SAN FRANCISCO (AP) - An 810-foot-long container ship crashed into the base of a tower of the Bay Bridge's western span in heavy fog Wednesday, spilling 58,000 gallons of fuel into San Francisco Bay. America's leading environmental groups surprised pundits and analysts alike by neither feining outrage for fundraising purposes nor blaming President Bush to score political points with Democrats.

Unable to dodge an oil slick moving .1 mph, this bird deserved to die.

Sierra Club President Robbie Cox greeted the news with a noncommittal shrug. "If you consider how much water is in the Bay, the contamination is about 2 parts per billion. Hell, South San Francisco dumped 2 million gallons of raw sewage back in 2004. What's a little oil on top of THAT?"

John Passacantando, Executive Director of Greenpeace USA, was similarly unimpressed by the news. "Back in 1996, over 40,000 gallons of oil got dumped in the Bay, and we made a pretty big stink about it. Turned out that by the time a year had passed, you couldn't even tell. The beaches were open, and plant & animal populations were completely back to normal. I blush to think of how much time, energy, and funding we wasted fussing over what turned out to be nothing. We're not falling into THAT trap again."

Fred Krupp, president of the Environmental Defense Fund, seemed more annoyed by questions from the press than angry about the ecological tragedy. "Ok, so a few gulls & sea lions die. They're just ANIMALS for cryin' out loud! It's not like any PEOPLE are going to die from this. And besides, the only animal fatalities will be those who are too slow or too stupid to avoid swimming through an oil slick. Those kinds of critters you want out of the gene pool, anyway. Hand of Darwin, and all that."

Although Al Gore could not be reached directly for comment, his office did issue the following press release:

"It doesn't affect global warming. I don't give a @#$%."

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