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November 28, 2007
The Abomination of American Imperialism
An Editorial by Harvey
Posted by Harvey at 01:00 PM | View blog reactions | Comments (17)

The venerable Archbishop of Canterbury has criticized America's imperialism, saying that the United States wields its power in a way that is worse than Britain during its imperial heyday.

I find myself agreeing with him.

Britain TOTALLY kicked ass at imperialism! They had subject nations all around the globe. Back when England actually owned a set of bollocks, billions of primitive brown & yellow peoples learned to speak English, dress in suits, and drink tea instead of cow urine.

Ok, so that last one wasn't necessarily a step up, but I think I make my point. England RULED! They were naming entire races of people "Indians" and subjugating the crap out of them centuries before the first Kennedy crashed his Oldsmobile into Plymouth Rock.


"The only Iraqis who should have inky fingers are the indentured servants in American-owned Iraqi newspaper factories,"
And speaking of Kennedys, judging by Ted, we're doing an unconscionably poor job of starving the Irish, too.

How have we fallen so far? Our heritage is rooted deeply in the tyrannical stock of our jackbooted British ancestors, yet when Americans crusade across the ocean to liberate their little brown brothers... they actually liberate the PEOPLE! What incompetence! First you liberate their land, their cattle, their gold,... and a few of the comlier wenches (strictly for purposes of pleasure, mind you, not to actually - heaven forbid - breed with the filthy savages), THEN you start getting around to tossing out a bone or two of political liberty. IF they can prove their worth through prolonged armed resistance.

Or dressing in diapers & letting themselves be clubbed into bloody pulp. Either one.

Yet what have we so-called "imperialist" Americans accomplished in Iraq? NOTHING! The Iraqis can vote! They can own property! They don't even have to bow and avert their eyes when an American walks by! Why, the arrogant sand-mongrels aren't even possessed of sufficient decency or gratitude to make English their country's official language - AND WE'RE NOT FORCING THE BASTARDS TO DO IT!

That whirring sound you hear is Queen Victoria spinning in her grave at around the same speed as a NASCAR motor at redline.

And those post election-pictures coming out of Iraq, showing people celebrating their political freedom by holding up their freshly-inked fingers - Digusting! Horrid! Blasphemy against the very notion of imperialism itself! The only Iraqis who should have inky fingers are the indentured servants in American-owned Iraqi newspaper factories, which should DAMN well only print headlines like "American Benevolence Cheered by Unworthy Yet Devotedly Loyal Middle Eastern Slave Scum".

I take no joy in writing these words, but America's attempts at imperialism are so half-hearted, so feeble, so stupefyingly inept, that we might as well hoist le Tricolore, print all our legal documents in French, and subjugate ourselves to our superiors in Paris.

Maybe being forced under penalty of death to drink their lighter-fluid-flavored wines and laugh at Jerry Lewis movies will teach us how an empire is SUPPOSED to be run.

---

Harvey is a non-disabled Navy veteran accidentally hired to fill an affirmative action quota at IMAO.us. He is also the author of such books as "Ronald McDonald: America's Archbishop" and "Bootlicking & Genuflection: An Iranian Survival Guide for the Coming Invasion".

Rating: 2.5/5 (18 votes cast)

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