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November 30, 2007
Ronulans Riot Over Blasphemous Bear
WASHINGTON (AP) - Supporters of Republican presidential candidate Ron Paul have led protests and riots all across America after hearing the news that a Florida man recently named his teddy bear "Ron Paul", which they say is "an incitement to hatred".
People who back the Libertarian-turned-Republican-for-electability's-sake gathered in vast numbers to protest the "blasphemous outrage", with crowds in larger cities easily reaching into the double digits. Believers in Ron Paul - or "Ronulans", as they prefer to be called - claim that the man with two first names is a prophet of radical political reforms whose tenets are not to be mocked in any fashion by "unbelievers, socialists, and the subhumans who've never heard of Ayn Rand". The Florida man, Frank Fleming, seemed mystified by the violent response. "I don't get it. I named the bear after my favorite Christian saint, Paul, and my favorite male porn star, Ron Jeremy. All of a sudden, I've got crowds of freaks standing on my lawn, screaming that my bear is a sacrilege against the second coming of Benjamin Franklin. Or something. I had Rage Against the Machine on my iPod, so I didn't catch it all. The point is, these people are weird and they smell like a mix of rancid butter and flop-sweat." Ron Paul '08 campaign spokesman, Jesse Benton, argued that the protests were necessary to keep Dr. Paul's name from besmirchment by the impious. "We believe in the one true Ron Paul, and live to serve his greatness, defending his glory from all enemies, both foreign and domestic, as it is written in the Holy Constitution, which Saint Thomas of Jefferson brought down on stone tablets from the sacred altar of Monticello. Besides, have you SEEN this bear? It has GLASSES! Ron Paul doesn't wear glasses! He sees with a more perfect vision - through the lens of the Holy Constitution!" Mr. Paul could not be reached for comment, as he was otherwise engaged in a whirlwind tour of Iowa giving his signature speech, "No, I'm NOT the husband of that lady who makes all the fish sticks." 31 Responses To "Ronulans Riot Over Blasphemous Bear"
This last round of Paulbot bating has me gleefully rubbing my hands in anticipation. Is that wrong? #1 - Posted by: r2streu on November 30, 2007 11:20 AMIsn't it usually a complement to name a favorite toy, pet or child after someone else? Go figure them Paulbots. LOL, Ron and Mrs. FishStick. Ron Paul just wants to give everyone their country back, if that collapses Western civilization, so be it. 2500 years is a good run. I am the assistant assistant to the head assistant of the Ronulan empire and the facts above are true. We love Ron Paul and any mere teddy named after the clone of the Constitution MUST be met with fierce protests! We want our country back! That sacriligious teddy deserves a cane beating but we will settle for 15 days in prison. Seriously though, check him out at http://www.ronpaul2008.com #4 - Posted by: Victor on November 30, 2007 11:46 AM"The point is, these people are weird and they smell like a mix of rancid butter and flop-sweat." OMG, that's funny for a Friday morning. Thanks for the laugh Harvey. #5 - Posted by: Jimmy on November 30, 2007 12:04 PMIt all sounds a little fishy to me, besides Mrs. Paul is his mother, not his wife!!! #6 - Posted by: maytag on November 30, 2007 12:10 PMWow, the Paulistinians smell just like Mrs. Paul's fish sticks! What a coinkydink! #7 - Posted by: smokeybehr on November 30, 2007 12:21 PMShortly after this happened we lost an outpost near the Neutral Zone. Several Ronulan Bears of Prey were seen for a brief period before they activated cloaking devices and disappeared back into the American Electorate. #8 - Posted by: DW on November 30, 2007 12:38 PMOMG! that was so funny, I couldn't read past the first paragraph without pooping my pants. people like him, and they think the constitution is important...hahaha. im teh ronUlan - in yur blogz comentz - stinkin up d place #10 - Posted by: DamnCat on November 30, 2007 01:06 PM"I named the bear after my favorite Christian saint, Paul, and my favorite male porn star, Ron Jeremy." LMAO! #11 - Posted by: ChrisA on November 30, 2007 01:09 PM"Besides, have you SEEN this bear? It has GLASSES! Ron Paul doesn't wear glasses! He sees with a more perfect vision - through the lens of the Holy Constitution!"
Hmm, no bites yet. Somebody wiggle the bait. #13 - Posted by: Skul on November 30, 2007 01:22 PMI agree with Jimmy ini #5; I almost choked on my cheeseburger when I read that. #14 - Posted by: Joseph on November 30, 2007 01:52 PMSpectacular, Harvey! I totally didn't see it coming that it was Frank J. that caused all this trouble. Then I about died laughing when I learned it was named after the apostle Paul and Ron Jeremy. You just made my day. #15 - Posted by: Ernie Loco on November 30, 2007 02:19 PM#9 "I couldn't read past the first paragraph without pooping my pants" Nothing says good humor like uncontrollable self defecation! let me try. O.K.....Two jews and AlanABQ walk into a bar....Oh No, i gotta go wipe! #16 - Posted by: on November 30, 2007 02:26 PM#16 was me! sorry, i was doing the poopy walk #17 - Posted by: Clay S. on November 30, 2007 02:27 PM#8- Posted by: DW Hey! Who is that lower case "jimmy" up there? Huh? Harvey, I'm still udderly (Moooo) unable to stop laughing every time I read it ! #20 - Posted by: Jimmy on November 30, 2007 05:01 PMYes, jimmy, you conspiracy-loon Paulbots are retarded. Thank you for clarifying that. #21 - Posted by: Master Shake on November 30, 2007 05:24 PMBy the way, are we helping Frank pay moving expenses and costing the Paulbots money by clicking on the ads that are displayed because of these threads? I would hate to be doing all that clicking without some kind of benefit, after all. #22 - Posted by: Master Shake on November 30, 2007 05:28 PMTraffic been slow lately? No problem. Put up a silly Ron Paul piece. That'll bring them in. Peace. #23 - Posted by: 1440 minutes on November 30, 2007 06:16 PMI named my toilet mohammed. Is that a problem? Should I cancel my trip to Kenya? #24 - Posted by: Fiftycal on November 30, 2007 10:30 PMVote for meee1! http://www.taxhikemike.com #25 - Posted by: TaxHikeMike on November 30, 2007 11:11 PMwhy wasnt i informed of this?!! naming a teddy bear after dr. paul is an unforgivable sin against god, i swear, i go on vacation for two days and i miss a chance to burn someone in effigy. :( #26 - Posted by: plubius_reborn on December 1, 2007 06:29 AMActually if he had RATM on then he didn't really need to hear what they were saying. It's pretty much the same thing minus the Communism. #27 - Posted by: bgrx on December 1, 2007 11:43 AMJust curious... Did we hurt the Ronulans (the one with the posts approaching a page and a half) feelings so badly that the sheer number of comments caused you to have to close the comment on Harvey's "What I fear most about Ron Paul" Post? Inquiring minds want to know... #28 - Posted by: Strnj1 on December 2, 2007 08:43 AMDon't know what happened over there. Comments are still set to "on". They just stopped working. #29 - Posted by: Harvey on December 2, 2007 11:45 AMGreat post, but WTF is up with the "Dr. No" Ron ad? Where's the smokin hot "Roe v Wade" chick? Anyone else think RP looks alot like a 1)Christmas Elf, or 2) One of the characters from the "Twas the night before Christmas" cartoon from the 80's? #30 - Posted by: G8r on December 3, 2007 07:33 AMI have a Saint Ron Jeremy medal...in my pants. #31 - Posted by: Notpaul on December 3, 2007 02:32 PMPost a comment
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