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December 03, 2007
In My World: Talking to Plants Helps Them Grow
"I'm Anderson Cooper..." he pirouetted. "...360, and this is the Republican presidential debate on CNN! We have a lot of questions, so, to save time, we're not going to let Duncan Hunter speak."
"Oh, come on!"
"Sorry, you have to be either a front runner or crazy like Tancredo and Ron Paul or otherwise when you're talking it might as well be dead air," Cooper said.
"I also promise to beat Ron Paul with a rolled up Constitution.""I'm not crazy," Ron Paul stated, "I really am the second coming of Thomas Jefferson, whose appearance will usher in a thousand years of fiscal responsibility."
Tom Tancredo pounded his podium. "Less talk, more nuking Mecca!"
"Alright, lets get to the questions," Cooper said. "We had over five thousand videos sent in by YouTube users. Most were snippets of hardcore pornography but a number were questions from undecided Republicans. Let's see the first one."
On screen was a young man who looked about college age. "Many of you have taken strong stances against illegal immigration. What is it about brown people that you hate the most?"
Cooper turned to Mitt Romney. "You can take that."
"Um... I'm not really sure I accept the premise of that questions..."
"Because they're lazy," Tancredo piped in. "Is that the right answer?"
Fred Thompson stared down Cooper. "These better not be a bunch of crap questions or I'm gonna hurt ya, you understand that?"
"Well, I know I don't hate illegal immigrants," Mike Huckabee said. "I can't help but raise taxes to give them free tuition when they look at me with their cute little illegal faces with those big, sad eyes they have. "
"Those eyes are where they're most vulnerable!" Tancredo added.
"I think this is a good time as any to point out that Romney hired illegal aliens," Rudy Giuliani said. "He had a sanctuary mansion."
"What?" Romney exclaimed. "How can you criticize me for that? You had a whole sanctuary city!"
"Yes, but as I can back up with a doctor's note," Giuliani responded. "I'm a bit out of my mind and not always responsible for my own actions. I don't think you have that excuse. And, if you want to know my record on illegal immigration, just look at what happened with Amadou Diallo. I personally shot him forty-one times, and he was a legal immigrant. Think of what I'd do to a illegal immigrant... or a terrorists."
"Fascinating." Cooper pointed to the screen. "Next question."
A girl with pink dyed hair appeared on screen. "Many of you support private ownership of guns. Is this because you're sexually aroused by kids blowing their heads off?"
"Are you sure these questions are from undecided Republicans?" Romney asked.
"Yes," Cooper responded. "And I don't like the tone of your question."
"If some kid puts his grubby hands on my guns, he might as well blow his head off and save me the trouble," Fred Thompson growled.
"Now, I know this is one of the social issues I'm vulnerable on," Giuliani said, "as I've been honest about the fact that I want to abort gun owners. Still, you should at least admire the zeal at which I went after gun owners with my experience as a prosecutor. Just another reminded that I was in real life what Fred Thompson played on TV." He chuckled a bit.
Fred Thompson glared at him. "Shut up."
Giuliani bowed his head. "Yes sir. Sorry sir."
"It should be noted that guns are not mentioned in the Constitution!" Ron Paul said. "Yes, they are in the Bill of Rights, but I have never liked that addition as it takes away from the blessed purity of the Constitution itself!"
Cooper nodded. "Okay. Next question."
"Wait a second," Romney said. "These questions aren't all going to be like this, are they? These seem more like questions based on ignorant stereotypes of conservatives, which I find offensive since I've been a strident conservative for five whole weeks now. We are not all a bunch of mindless bigots who love violence."
"I'm not sure if this a good point to mention it," Tancredo said, "but I have a new plan to combat illegal immigrants by setting their children on fire."
Romney turned to Tancredo. "You're kinda stepping on my point here, Tom."
"I assure you these are all carefully vetted questions," Cooper said, "and are the concerns of real conservatives and not based on some cartoonish stereotype. Here's the next question."
On screen was a young man covered in tattoos and piercings. "So why do you guys like kicking puppies?"
"I'd say because of the weird sound they make and because they're small so they fly far," Tancredo said.
"I want to make it clear that I am against the kicking puppies," John McCain said. "Even if we suspect a puppy has information about an upcoming terrorist attack, I am against kicking it."
"Do you have any questions from actual Republicans, Cooper?" Romney asked.
"They're all questions from undecided Republicans, so shut up!" Cooper said. "Here's the next one."
A very pale looking young man appeared on screen. "So, since you're all Christians and stuff, do you really think Jesus would be bombing Iraqi children like you guys?" He laughed to himself. "That oughta show those stupid Republicans. I should diary this on Kos..."
"This is pointless," Romney said.
"I should note that Jesus wasn't explicit on everything," Huckabee said. "Like He never said anything about eating pie, and I sure love my pie. Mmm... pie. But Jesus was clear on one thing: Raising taxes is okay if it's to fund programs to encourage illegal immigration. If you don't understand that, then maybe you aren't a good Christian."
"You're all missing the point here, people!" Ron Paul exclaimed, "We have encouraged attacks by existing! We need to withdraw America from everywhere in the world and hide it. We'll stop both terrorism and illegal immigration if no one can find us. Also, we should build a shield around all of America out of pure gold which will also back our dollar! It's just common sense!"
"If people don't want their kids blown up, they shouldn't piss us off," Fred Thompson said. "It's as simple as that. Now, are these questions submitted anonymously or can you tell me where these people are so I can hurt them?"
"I assure you that no one other than those with access to internet has any idea who these people are," Cooper answered. "Thus, CNN is completely clueless on that matter."
"I really suspect these questioners," Romney said. "I think some of these people may even be Democratic operatives."
"That's a crazy conspiracy theory," Cooper responded. "Don't make me put you in the nuts section with Ron Paul and Tancredo. Here's the next question."
A well coiffed man smilingly gaily appeared on screen. "Hi. I'm an undecided Republican and I just want to know how any of you think you can be elected president when none of you have fabulous hair like me."
"First off," Romney said, "my hair is much more fabulous and shiny. Second, that was not an undecided Republican; that was Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards."
Cooper shrugged. "Well, if we had known that, I'm sure we would have thought of mentioning it."
Fred Thompson pointed at the screen. "I want to beat up that sissy. Actually, if I am elected president, I promise to beat that sissy John Edwards."
"I really want to hurt him to," Giuliani said.
"So do all of you agree on the issue of hurting John Edwards?" Cooper asking.
All the candidates nodded in agreement except Ron Paul. "I'm not sure that's Constitutional."
"I also promise to beat Ron Paul with a rolled up Constitution," Fred Thompson said.
"This is a good discussion," Cooper stated. "Here's the next question."
A young black man appeared on screen. "Why do you think that even though blacks agree with you conservatives on most social issues they won't vote for any of you dumb honkeys?"
"Probably because I keep shooting them multiple times," Giuliani ventured.
"I think it's a cultural difference," McCain said. "Due to injuries I received from being tortured by gook bastards, I am physically incapable of waving my hands in the air like I just don't care which gives me great trouble when trying to relate to black people."
"I want black people to know that I want their vote and that my religion has been tolerant of black people for a couple decades now," Romney stated.
"I won't have any trouble getting black votes myself," Ron Paul said. "In fact, I'm half black. It's my lower half."
"We let black people vote now?" Tancredo asked, looking confused.
"Let's move on to the next question," Cooper said.
On screen appeared an old man. "I'm a retired gay general -- a regayneral -- and I wanted to know what you homo-haters think of that!"
Romney squinted at the screen. "I'm pretty sure I've seen that guy campaigning with Hillary."
"Well guess what... we've brought him here!" Cooper exclaimed.
In the audience stood up the man now wearing a "Gay for Hillary" t-shirt. "I'm here! I'm queer! Get used to it!"
Romney sighed. "This is ridiculous. We're not all irrationally scared of homosexuals as you in the media like to portray us."
"Careful!" Tancredo screamed, pointing at the man. "He might get his gay on us!"
"You're really not helping, Tom."
Tancredo looked around in pure fright as he covered his butt. "Where did he go!? Where did he go!?"
"I'm tired of this crap," Fred Thompson announced, "I'm going to bed."
Cooper pointed an accusing finger at him. "So you are just as lazy as they say! I knew--" He was knocked down by a large object. "Okay! Who threw Ron Paul at me?"
"This is stupid." Giuliani began to walk off. "I'm going to have my friends from New York back here to bust things up."
"This is just the sort of evil my sacred garments are supposed to protect me from." Romney left too.
"Frankly, I'd rather be back in the Hanoi Hilton than listen to another one of these internet twits." McCain walked away.
"I may have a goofy name, but I'm still too serious a person for this." Huckabee looked to the audience. "Chuck, you know what to do."
Chuck Norris walked up to Cooper and roundhouse kicked him in the face, knocking the CNN reporter out cold. Chuck then limped off. "Man, I forgot my arthritis meds."
Duncan Hunter walked away as well. "I'm not irrelevant enough to stay here."
Only Tancredo was left on stage. "I just want to say that we need to get all the illegal immigrants to Mecca so we can nuke them." He then held up a baby golden retriever. "Now someone hold this puppy still so I can see how far I can punt him."
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