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December 19, 2007
The Official IMAO Republican Primary Endorsement
Posted by Frank J. at 11:08 AM | View blog reactions | Comments (81)

IMAO has long been a revered conservative institution, and we thought it would be neglectfully of us not to weigh in on who the Republicans should nominate for president. Surveys show that most Republicans are not certain of their current choice and a whole 53% of them are waiting for IMAO to tell them more.

So, looking at all the facts, here is who IMAO thinks should be the Republican nominee:

Fred Dalton Thompson

Many of you may be surprised by this. You may ask why didn't we endorse Ron Paul, the only hope for America? Do we not like America? And why didn't we endorse Mike Huckabee, the lovable hillbilly who will pardon any murderer who got a hold of a Bible? And what about Mitt Romney whose hair is very shiny?

These are good questions, and the endorsement of Fred Thompson certainly wasn't made on a whim. As you may know, IMAO has been reporting on Fred Thompson facts for some time -- for purely academic reasons. The more we looked at these facts, though, the more we began to think that they might mean that Fred Thompson is a great candidate. America really could use a candidate who could stop illegal immigration for a month by simply glaring at Mexico. And while other candidates are arguing over whether the rarely used waterboarding is too mean to terrorists, it's refreshing to have a candidate who believes that pulling out a terrorist's spine and beating him with it is a perfectly cromulent interrogation technique.

What really put us over the line was seeing the facts put to awesome music:

Also, John Hawkins's reduction of the Fred Thompson slogan "Kill the terrorists. Protect the border. Punch the hippies." down to the less cumbersome "Kill. Protect. Punch." really makes Fred Thompson's strengths as a candidate clear.

But we can't just go by our gut. Let's compare the main attributes of Fred Thompson versus the other candidates:

Fred Thompson: Teh Awesome

Other Candidates: Teh Suck

I believe when you lay things out this way, the reasons to support Fred Thompson over the other candidates becomes obvious, especially since IMAO has long held the position that "Teh Awesome" is better than "Teh Suck." And, in this time when our country is threatened by terrorists, weenies, and goobers, it's that more important we elect someone awesome -- a strong conservative who will kill and hurt those who need killing and hurting.

With a Fred Thompson presidency, I expect terrorists to become extinct within a year. Many bros will be tased, and hippies will be driven underground where they will eventually evolve into hideous creatures like the Morlocks (but not as hard working). America's economy will sky rocket all at the expense of foreign countries who will become so poor they'll all compete on who can grow us green onions the cheapest. Though Fred Thompson will not improve America's image abroad, other countries will suck so much in comparison to us that we'll care even less about their opinions.

So not only should you support Fred Thompson like your life depended on it, you should tell everyone else to do the same. Here's a visual example:

I should note, though, that the most important factor in IMAO endorsing Fred Thompson is that I already have an awesome t-shirt designed for him which will pretty much go to waste if he isn't the nominee. And it's not like I can just move that slogan to whoever the Republican nominee is, because, come on, do you think a tough slogan like that is going to work with Romney or hyuk-hyuk-Huckabee? No. Fred Thompson is the only Republican with the awesomeness to pull that off.

So, when it comes down to it, you have to ask yourself: Are you for awesomeness or not? If you think having a nominee who is awesome is just not for the Republican Party and we instead need some compromise candidate no one is thrilled with (or, in Ron Paul's case, only people infected with brain-eating bacteria are thrilled with), then vote for the one of the other guys. Otherwise, pull the lever for Fred Thompson, immediately turn around and punch the guy behind you in the face, and rock on!

Kill the terrorists.

Protect the border.

Punch the hippies.

Vote Fred Thompson.

He's the only candidate that is IMAO approved.


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