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January 09, 2008
New Emotion Chip "Working Perfectly" Says Clinton Handler
PORTSMOUTH, NH (AP) - Campaigning in New Hampshire one day before the first-in-the-nation primary, Senator Hillary Clinton got emotional and had tears in her eyes as she spoke with voters about how hard it is to balance a busy campaign life and her passion for the country's future. Clinton's handlers say her new Emoticon 7000 bio-implant computer chip has finally allowed the presidential candidate to flawlessly mimic actual human emotions.
"This is a real breakthrough," said Jay Carson, the man responsible for Clinton's cybernetic enhancements. "It's been a VERY difficult campaign. The first chip - an Emoticon 3000 - was a total bust. She'd start cackling laughter for absolutely no reason or even at completely inappropriate times. One time some guy told her about how his wife died because his insurance company wouln't pay for her chemo and he hoped Hillary would fix the health care system so that would never happen again. That goofy cow just started braying & guffawing like Homer Simpson watching someone take a football in the groin. We yanked the chip that night." "The Emoticon 5000 wasn't much better. She wasn't laughing all the time, but on the other hand she was getting out-of-control angry. Some of that came through in recent debates, but it was worse backstage. A lot worse. Like plucking-out-staffer's-eyeballs worse." "Seems that the 5000 was running Windows Vista, and those who've used it will confirm that eye-plucking rage is a common side effect of the software." 26 Responses To "New Emotion Chip "Working Perfectly" Says Clinton Handler"
Is there anybody out there who doesn't hate Vista? #2 - Posted by: Ernie Loco on January 9, 2008 03:48 PM"404 - Emotion Not Found" - Hillaryous Harvey. A few more that apply to her: 204 No content: brain dead Warning: the entire HTML error code list could apply!! #3 - Posted by: Jimmy on January 9, 2008 03:59 PMdidn't Noonian Soon invent the emo chip? worked well for Lore huh? #4 - Posted by: ceann rua on January 9, 2008 04:42 PMI don't hate Vista. I have it on my laptop, and I like it, so I put it on my desktop too. It's actually really nice--nicer than XP by far. Now ME on the other hand... #5 - Posted by: Rubeus on January 9, 2008 04:46 PMIt was reported that Hillary was "choked-up" at a visit to a diner. I think emotion got confused with trying to swallow a baby's thigh bone whole. #6 - Posted by: Dodsfall on January 9, 2008 04:53 PMI'd rather she be choked out, not choked up. #7 - Posted by: on January 9, 2008 06:21 PMHillary was just doing what many women do - crying to get her way. It's amazing that the media has not recognized that this is just scripted crying. I think Bill has pulled a few stunts like this also. #8 - Posted by: Bob on January 9, 2008 07:37 PMI don't know where to write this... but Colbert's show last night had a plan to blow up the moon. Do I hear copyright infringement lawsuit? #10 - Posted by: crazyjetguy on January 9, 2008 08:42 PMDo I hear copyright infringement lawsuit? You can't copyright an idea moron and it looks like it isn't even an original idea at that. P.S. Hillary is going to kick any candidate the GOP selects. Hillary will be the next president and you right wing Rush Limbaugh lovers will have to suffer. Then we are going to pack the House and Senate with progressive women. #11 - Posted by: GoHillary08 on January 9, 2008 09:02 PMCall me a moron? Sense of humor? Aaagh they have all taken crazy pills! #12 - Posted by: crazyjetguy on January 9, 2008 09:33 PMAlso Gohilldog... you seem like the type that has never called someone a moron in person. Go ahead though. Pat yourself on the back though... you really showed me... Ill cry myself to sleep tonight if I sleep at all. #13 - Posted by: crazyjetguy on January 9, 2008 09:38 PMI am truly impressed how well Hillary tapped into the carefully crafted American guilt over sexism with her well placed tears. I have been pondering if there is anything Obama can do to counter this. The only thing I can come up with so far to tap into the American guilt over racism is to get five of his buddies to help him stomp the crap out of a reporter. That seemed to work well in Jena. Any other suggestions? #14 - Posted by: Burt on January 9, 2008 10:21 PMIF THE CLINTONS RETURN TO THE OVAL OFFICE (GOD FORBID), WHICH ONE WILL BE THE VICE PRESIDENT? #15 - Posted by: BERT on January 9, 2008 11:27 PMIF THE CLINTONS RETURN TO THE OVAL OFFICE (GOD FORBID) WHICH ONE WILL BE THE VICE PRESIDENT?? #16 - Posted by: BERT on January 9, 2008 11:29 PMGoHillary- Seriously, what do you think you're accomplishing by acting like that? If you were actually having a back & forth conversation or debate with someone here, or on the off chance you had a valid point to make, I might understand. But most trolls just hit & run; you seem to be lurking in order to just attack whomever you come across, as though you're really doing some damage. You're not, but hey, whatever it takes to make you feel important. Just a caveat, though: tomorrow, you'll still be you, and your spamming will mean even less. Is Hillary going to be the next Clinton to mismanage the country? Perhaps. But so what? Even if she f**ks everything up again- like her faithless husband did- we'll just come back into our own & clean up the messes- again. Oddly enough, I do think she'd do a better job than her sluggard spouse did, (she certainly couldn't much worse) but that's really isn't saying much, is it? For that matter, you could do a better job, because at least you've shown you can take the offensive when you believe in something, no matter how preposterous it is... LOL! #17 - Posted by: AlanABQ on January 9, 2008 11:43 PMThanks Alan... I felt all alone in this cruel world. Still crying on my pilla. #18 - Posted by: crazyjetguy on January 9, 2008 11:51 PMHey, GoHill: Q: How many "progressive" feminist women does it take to change a lightbulb? Ooooooohhh. See, that one's so funny, cause it's true... #19 - Posted by: Ernie Loco on January 10, 2008 12:35 AMSheesh, Harvey, you got linked by Ann Coulter and everything! Congrats! #20 - Posted by: The Apologist on January 10, 2008 02:38 AM"IF THE CLINTONS RETURN TO THE OVAL OFFICE (GOD FORBID) WHICH ONE WILL BE THE VICE PRESIDENT??" Well, Bert, if I remember the 90's correctly, Bill was the "vice" President last time around, so it's probably Hill's turn this time. There's just something about the idea of Janet Reno as a cabana boy that makes me long for the sweet release of death, though. That could just be me.
WOW, I was so relieved by the NH results. After hearing Hillary screech at them during the campaign, it's difficult to believe that people other than NOW members would want that for four years. I want to DO Hillary, she's hot! #24 - Posted by: JoeBob on January 12, 2008 09:01 AMJoeBob - I assume you mean "do" in the same way that bulky Italian legitimate businessmen in New Jersey's waste collection industry "do" people, right? #25 - Posted by: Harvey on January 12, 2008 12:32 PMIt just occurs to me that Hillary said they were talking about her because she was ahead. She's crying because she was behind. #26 - Posted by: Rose on January 13, 2008 12:07 AMPost a comment
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