I was listening to Bill Bennett this morning, and Mark Steyn was a guest. Since it is Valentine's Day, Steyn anyalyzed the relationship between McCain and the Conservative wing of the party in terms of the holiday. He said McCain is like the woman you've been married to for 30 years--you know absolutely everything there is to know about the person, and when you go out to eat, there is nothing to say because everything has been said ten times over. He could have went further, and said McCain is like the girlfriend you stick with for no good reason after she has done you wrong. In any event, that got me to thinking--in modern history which President would you send a Valentine to, and is there any relation to their ultimate success or failure.

2004 -- Bush v. Kerry -- Bush easily would be the one to send a Valentine to. That stiff, arrogant, gold-digging twit Kerry is not good relationship material. Say what you will about Bush, he is loyal, friendly and approachable. Unfortunately, time would prove there wasn't a real "love connection" between Bush and the Conservative base.

2000 -- Bush v. Gore -- Bush wins again for some of the same reasons. Gore is a stiff to the tenth power. If there is a "real" Al Gore, I've never seen him. Also, he was the "best friend" of your last significant other who did you wrong.

1996 -- Clinton v. Dole v. Perot -- Easily Clinton. Say what you will about Clinton, he was/is a charmer--too much so as we learned after his re-election. Perot was just nutty.

1992 -- Bush v. Clinton v. Perot -- Bush Sr. was/is as poorly spoken as his son, but has none of the charm. Its easy to see why people would be ready for a change. Again, Perot was just nutty.

1988 -- Bush v. Dukakis. Luckily for Bush Sr., the Dems ran someone even less engaging than he was. Who can forget Dukakis in that tank. What a weenie. Also, Bush, carried over a lot of that Reagan-love, due to his close association with the Gipper. We would get burned by that nostalgia as it turned out.

1984 -- Reagan v. Mondale. Reagan had all of Clinton's charm, was better looking, plus he was honest. No modern President was better boyfriend material than old Ronaldus Magnus. Stiff Mondale had absolutely no chance and got slaughtered.

1980 -- Reagan v. Carter. Carter was Carter--what more can I say.

1976 -- Carter v. Ford. This one is a bit of an anomaly. Ford was strong, good looking, and athletic (despite the jokes), yet lost a close one to a backwoods hick with teeth like a keyboard after a piano has rolled down a flight of stairs. I liken this one to a situation where your previous significant other has treated you so SO BADLY, that you seek out a rebound that is totally differently. That strategy never works out in the long run, and it sure didn't in this situation.

1972. Nixon v. McGovern. McGovern was weak and soft spoken. You want to date the person who kicks sand in others' faces, not the person who gets sand kicked in his face.

1968. Nixon v. Humphrey. I wasn't alive back then, so I can't really speak to why Nixon was more appealing than Humphrey. I assume he came off as strong (whereas Humphrey was touchy-feely, and came off as too weak in a time of war. Back then the Soviet Union was front and center in the minds of everyone--you kids have no idea what that was like. Humphrey also was "best friends" with the last President, so carried that additional baggage. You don't want to date the best friend of your last significant other.

1964. Johnson v. Goldwater. Goldwater was stiff and stern, whereas Johnson was charming, strong as a bull, and carried over a lot of emotion from the assassination. It kind of reminds me of that scene in Animal House, where Otter pretends to be the boyfriend of a deceased co-ed to get her friends to go out with him. An easy victory.

1960. Kennedy v. Nixon. Nowhere is the Valentine's Day principle more apparent than in relation to this election. Nixon was far and away the better candidate-he was tough, experienced, and well-spoken. Unfortunately, he got out-foxed by "big man on campus" Jack Kennedy. Good looks and charm beat out the good provider every day in the realm of relationships, and this was no different. Jack's back-story had more holes than swiss cheese, but none of us knew it back then.

That brings us to today. McCain v. Clinton--I think in that race, you are dealing with the ugly sister, and her even uglier sister. In that scenario, being forced to choose, I would give my Valentine to McCain. This is kind of like elementary school, where you had to give everyone a Valentine, even those people you didn't like. McCain would get a Valentine like that from me. McCain v. Obama--this is an easy one--Obama in a landslide. He may be lean on ideas, and his policies (to the extent he has any) border on socialism, but he is an appealing, well-spoken, good looking man. I think McCain (who himself says he is old as dirt and looks like Frankenstein) is going to get his clock cleaned if he goes up against Obama in November. Obama is the great catch you hope you can change. We'll see.

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