IMAO: Barack Obama Rumors

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April 23, 2008

Barack Obama Rumors

Posted by Frank J. at 12:53 PM | View blog reactions | Comments (17)

There have been many rumors about Senator Barack Obama, so I thought I'd check on how which ones are true if any:

*Obama is happy when his head isn't stuck in a bucket.*

RUMOR: Obama is a Muslim.
STATUS: False
Obama is not currently a Muslim. He's a Christian of some sort in the "hate Whitey" sect.

RUMOR: Obama is an enlightened space alien sent to save humanity.
STATUS: False
All evidence points towards Obama being a below average man who his wife stopped asking to do chores around the house because he was always getting his head stuck in the mop bucket.

RUMOR: Obama tried to bomb the Pentagon.
STATUS: False
That was his friend.

RUMOR: Obama felt we got what we deserved on 9/11.
STATUS: False
That was his other friend.

RUMOR: Obama was once a hired goon for the Aquaman villain Black Manta.
STATUS: False
While Obama has served on a number of committees and attended a fundraiser hosted by Black Manta, Obama has never worked for him. His campaign has on numerous occasions called it out of bounds to draw connections between Obama and the terrorists, hatemongers, and supervillians he happens to hang around with in his spare time.

RUMOR: Obama has great judgment.
STATUS: False
In recent cognitive psychology study, Obama was shown two of the same type glasses filled with liquid and agreed that each has the same amount of liquid. He then watched as one was poured into a tall, thin glass. When asked which glass had more liquid, he pointed to the taller glass.

RUMOR: Obama once bowled a perfect 300.
STATUS: False
Obama once bowled a 3, which some consider to be the perfect number in a non-bowling context.

RUMOR: Obama is a member of radical black separatist groups and considers himself racially superior to all others.
STATUS: False
He does not consider himself racially superior since he's half white.

RUMOR: Obama can fly.
STATUS: False
Obama is subjected to the laws of gravity the same as anyone else, something he found out the hard way when he put on a red sheet and jumped off the garage at the age of thirty.

RUMOR: Obama has read War and Peace six times.
STATUS: False
Obama is barely literate.

RUMOR: Obama has super-strength and is immune to bullets.
STATUS: False
Obama often has his wife open the jar of marinated artichoke hearts for him. He is scared of guns and anything else that makes a loud noise.

RUMOR: Obama cares about the average man.
STATUS: Somewhat True
Obama cares about people who shop at Whole Foods and laugh at the religious whom he mistakenly believe to be the average man.

RUMOR: Obama is a teenage mutant ninja turtle in disguise.
STATUS: Indeterminate
While Obama does love pizza and shouts cowabunga on occasion, there is no known evidence of his ninja or turtle skills.

RUMOR: Obama would be a great presidential candidate.
STATUS: False
I'm not even sure where that one got started.

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17 Responses To "Barack Obama Rumors"

There's a rumor that Obama is a reincarnation of some kind of soul-combination of Neville Chamberlain and Leon Trotsky, with a little MLK thrown in for color. Then again, they say that Hillary contains the conjured spirit of Madagascar's notorious Ranavalona I, the original "Frigidaire Queen."

#1 - Posted by: Tommy the Towelhead on April 23, 2008 01:18 PM

Genius! I sure needed the laugh today.

Greetings from your former home (aka, God's waiting room)

#2 - Posted by: JAM on April 23, 2008 01:25 PM

Brilliant, and linked! Here are a few more...

RUMOR: Obama recently stopped smoking.
STATUS: Partially accurate
He stopped smoking tobacco.

RUMOR: Obama is having a torrid affair with the Obama Girl.
STATUS: False
Not only does he prefer redheads, Obama hasn't cheated on his wife in months.

RUMOR: Jesus and Satan are brothers.
STATUS: False
Obama doesn't have a brother.

[LOL! -Ed.]

#3 - Posted by: Exurban Jon on April 23, 2008 01:52 PM

RUMOR: Obama has special mind control powers.
STATUS: False
The people who vote for him are just incomparably stupid.

#4 - Posted by: luminos on April 23, 2008 02:01 PM

"He is scared of guns and anything else that makes a loud noise."

Such as Hillary' cackel.

#5 - Posted by: matt on April 23, 2008 02:17 PM

RUMOR: Obama is an enlightened space alien sent to save humanity.
STATUS: False
Obama is actually a Time Lord from the planet Gallifrey, known as The Master. He's attempting to get elected by using a cellular phone network laden with mind control frequencies.

(Sorry for the Doctor Who reference)

#6 - Posted by: cb on April 23, 2008 02:38 PM

Rumour: Obama is a great "communicator" and can "think" on his feet.
Status: FALSE
In the absence of a teleprompter, a practiced speech, or practiced answers to prepared questions, Obama reveals the profound stutter & hesitation developed during his third grade awkward stage, begins to cry, and wont come out and play anymore.

#7 - Posted by: TerribleTroy on April 23, 2008 03:55 PM

Razor-sharp wit as always, Frank. Keep up the good work. (I smell an Obama Rumors t-shirt in the making)

#8 - Posted by: steadyrock on April 23, 2008 04:04 PM

RUMOR: Obama's real name is Xenu, 75 Million years ago he was the ruler of a Galactic Confederacy which consisted of 26 stars and 76 planets including Earth. He killed a bunch of people with volcanos and H-Bombs, blah, blah, blah....

STATUS: False

Although Obama is bat-shit crazy, Tom Cruise has the market cornered on this section of bat-shit crazy.

#9 - Posted by: Clay S. on April 23, 2008 04:10 PM

What's black and white and red all over?

Socialist Obama.

#10 - Posted by: NunyaB on April 23, 2008 06:32 PM

did you know that Obama rhymes with OSAMA and his middle name is husain just like Sadam Huisan?!!!!

#11 - Posted by: bob on April 23, 2008 07:27 PM

Rumor: Obama is in direct contact with Osama bin Laden on a daily basis.

This is FALSE, no one talks to Osama, Obama get's his orders from the great one's secretary.

#12 - Posted by: seanmahair on April 23, 2008 07:58 PM

RUMOR:Obama is an evil harpy who devours small childrens' souls.
STATUS:False
You are obviously looking at his policy proposals and confusing him with Hillary "666" Clinton.

RUMOR:Obama is half white.
STATUS:False
He is half black, you racist!

#13 - Posted by: Master Shake on April 23, 2008 09:45 PM

RUMOR: Obama really is as ugly as that photograph suggests.
STATUS: True
But to be fair, anyone looks ugly through a fisheye camera lens.

#14 - Posted by: Jimmy on April 23, 2008 11:48 PM

glad you cleared up all rumors but one. and luminos #4 cleared that one for me. funny stuff sil.

#15 - Posted by: bikermommy on April 24, 2008 12:07 PM

Now would be a good time to revive the Whig Party.

#16 - Posted by: Tommy the Towelhead on April 24, 2008 07:16 PM

I expected intelligence from the title of this post. That was disappointing. Man, you're an idiot.

#17 - Posted by: Truthteller on April 25, 2008 12:30 PM