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May 01, 2008
Know Thy Enemy: High Gas Prices
Many people are worried about high gas prices, so I sent my crack research staff to find out all they can about them. Here are their findings: FUN FACTS ABOUT HIGH GAS PRICES * High gas prices were invented by John D. Rockefeller who one day said to himself, "You know, I could charge a lot more for gas." Some say that business acumen was a big part of his success. * High gas prices can raise the price of everything from food to action movies in which lots of gas tanks explode.
* It seems unfair the Middle East charges so much for oil when its not like they need it themselves for all their cars and technology they're so famous for. * High gas prices may cause more people to ride a bike to work which could lead to more people wearing bike shorts and thus an increase in false accusations of homosexuality. * And accurate accusations. * Canada produces a lot of oil, but uses up most of it in their extremely fuel inefficient Zambonis. * Venezuela also produces oil, but Hugo Chavez wastes a lot of it by setting it on fire since the color of the flame is pretty and makes him smile and clap. * One way to reduce gas prices is to do more drilling in America. None of the drilling will be near you, but there will be many people near you loudly complaining about it and it's currently illegal to punch them. * And it's too expensive to hit them with your car. * One gas price crisis occurred when some wise guy bought exactly one gallon of gas and, paid a buck thirteen for it when it cost a buck twelve and 9/10ths, and demanded exact change. * Many people blame American oil companies for the high gas prices, but in fact they are just more victims in all this. Victims with obscene profits, but victims nonetheless. * Also, if you complain about oil companies too much, they can have you killed. How are the police going to do anything about it if Exxon refuses to give them gas for their cars? * One strategy to combat higher gas prices is to chide people who drive wasteful SUVs, but they will probably just run their Humvee over your Prius while falsely accusing you of homosexuality. * Or accurately accusing you. * High gas prices hurt poor people the most, which is one of the few benefits of it. * If you think you see high gas prices, whatever you do, do not tell the authorities. If you do, eventually the federal government will find out and try and do something about it, screwing things up even more. * One way gas stations are combating high gas prices is to make shorter signs that advertise the prices. * I bet that one took you a second. * One way to reduce gas prices are biofuels which could reduce gas by cents a gallon at only the cost of millions of people starving to death because of the raised price of crops. * Alternative fuel cars could one day lead to us no longer needing gasoline, but a label on your car proudly proclaiming your car is safe to the environment could lead to false accusations of you being a homosexual. * And, of course, accurate accusations. * A big part of gas prices are the taxes on them which the government spends on telling you not to smoke. * Especially while in a gas station paying gas taxes. * Be careful of hidden gas prices. Some place may look like they are only charing a dollar five for a gallon of gas, but if you look closely at the price, you'll see it says, "and 395 tenths of a cent." * A lot of people think we don't need gas as much anymore since we don't need to physically travel places now that we have the internet. Guess what the internet runs on, though? Gasoline! * If surrounded by high gas prices, whatever you do, don't panic. It can sense fear and go up even higher in response. * In a fight between Aquaman and high gas prices, Aquaman would have to sell his fish friends on the local fish market so he can afford to gas to drive his Geo Metro to his new job at the cracker factory. * And on the way there, he'd be falsely accused of being a homosexual. * It is false! * One way to lower gas prices would be to have a huge war for oil. Most people seem to be against this, though, despite no one being able to cite a single downside. * Some people say angry Muslims may come over here to attack us if we steal their oil, but how are they going to do that with nothing to fuel their vehicles? It's a foolproof plan, I tell you. * The first high gas price was when gas rose from a penny a gallon to a penny and nine tenths. People back then didn't understand fractions and falsely accused the gas station attendants of witchcraft. * And accurately accused them. * Some were also homosexuals, but no one thought to accuse them of that back then. 25 Responses To "Know Thy Enemy: High Gas Prices"
You boy(s) are on fire today (no pun intended). * It seems unfair the Middle East charges so much for oil when its not like they need it themselves for all their cars and technology they're so famous for. Proof there is a God, and S/He has a wicked sense of humor. * One way to lower gas prices would be to have a huge war for oil. Most people seem to be against this, though, despite no one being able to cite a single downside. Excellent. #1 - Posted by: on May 1, 2008 01:23 PMMan, it's been a while since we've had a good "Know they enemy". And this one was perfect. Good job Frank. #2 - Posted by: Pantera on May 1, 2008 01:25 PMI'd feel a little better about high gas prices if I could punch an environmentalist every time I filled up. In fact, maybe the oil companies could help out by using their obscene profits for stationing environmentalists at gas pumps for that purpose. It's a win-win; a hippy gets a job, less time for protesting and sodomizing trees, and I feel better #3 - Posted by: Chinaski on May 1, 2008 01:28 PMThere are sources of unrefined crude oil that we should seriously consider tapping: hippies (dreadlocks can be pressed for jet fuel), illegal aliens (PEMEX hasn't nationalized them yet), and monkey fur. #4 - Posted by: Tommy the Towelhead on May 1, 2008 01:40 PM//* Many people blame American oil companies for the high gas prices, but in fact they are just more victims in all this. Victims with obscene profits, but victims nonetheless.// Okay, you're usually very funny and most of this list is funny, but again I'm forced to point out that the gas COMPANIES are not responsible for high gas prices, it's the freaking government that charges all the taxes for the gas. GET IT STRAIGHT. If you want a cut of the profits, buy some freaking stock, be a capitalist for cripes-sakes!!!
Don’t GEOs automatically come with a pretty rainbow decal on the back? That’s what I see all the time here in Minneapolis! Not that I’m sayin’…I’m just sayin’…If you know what I’m sayin’ #6 - Posted by: ussjimmycarter on May 1, 2008 02:07 PMCongratulations on post #10,000. And most of the high price of gas and oil is the fault of commodities speculators. So whenever possible, punch a stock broker. And taxes, of course. But it's illegal to punch Congress members. #7 - Posted by: GEBIV on May 1, 2008 02:09 PMI found this on Instapundit: I always knew Algae was awesome, I just had not come up for a reason. #8 - Posted by: AR on May 1, 2008 02:36 PM//And taxes, of course. But it's illegal to punch Congress members. It shouldn't be. And if it was legal, I bet you'd have a lot of pu$$ies thinking twice about running for office. #9 - Posted by: on May 1, 2008 02:39 PMPeople back then didn't understand fractions and falsely accused the gas station attendants of witchcraft. They still don't understand fractions, and it seems like every year at about the same time Congress investigates the sudden precipitous rise in gas prices that comes with the beginning of the recreational driving season. So not much has changed since those days. #10 - Posted by: Wacky Hermit on May 1, 2008 03:27 PMWhen it comes right down to it it is speculation on Wall Street that drives the price. That is a catch-22. Markets go higher, people invested in the market (think 401k) make money, prices go up and buying power decreases. you are so right wacky hermit. and frank. but i don't consider 7% an obscene profit. it costs a kazillion dollars for an american company to actually build a new refinery because of environmental wacko pieces of shit, so we don't...and drilling anwar would leave about 98.99% of the vast wasteland undrilled and because of environmental wacko pieces of shit, we don't. and the congress, filled with environmental wacko pieces of shit, we will tax the oil companies so they have no profit (listen to Hillary - she is going to seize those profits - dictatorship comes to mind)and then we will be even further enslaved to middle eastern oil. so it really isn't high gas prices i fear. it is... you guessed it...environmental wacko pieces of shit. (ps i am coming to see you soon so i hope gas prices go down...!) #12 - Posted by: bikermommy on May 1, 2008 03:39 PMYou can increase the thermodynamic efficiency of your car's gasoline engine by hooking up a special carbon/methane converter. It attaches between your tail pipe and your main intake. Instructions can be found at: www.AlGoreBlowsAndSucks.com Al Gore, Michael Moore and Rosie O'Donnell hookups all work equally well. You have to have a large trunk, however. #13 - Posted by: Jimmy on May 1, 2008 04:07 PMBtw, Frank, if your hero was actually awsome, he'd have a movie made about him, like the Silver Surfer did. #14 - Posted by: on May 1, 2008 04:08 PMOh, and a long time ago I had a Chevy Sprint (not gay ), it got 40-50mpg driving it at 70 on the freeway- without $10,000 in excessively complicated technology like the prius (the name alone is apparently an excuse for gay bashing, the local news ran a story last month about people going around vandalizing priuses; apparently it's illegal to punch cars also). #15 - Posted by: on May 1, 2008 04:16 PMOh, and a long time ago I had a Chevy Sprint (not gay ), it got 40-50mpg driving it at 70 on the freeway- without $10,000 in excessively complicated technology like the prius (the name alone is apparently an excuse for gay bashing, the local news ran a story last month about people going around vandalizing priuses; apparently it's illegal to punch cars also). #16 - Posted by: nyexpat on May 1, 2008 04:17 PMDid anyone notice that RP's new book is the #1 seller on amazon? So far after 161 reviews, 158 of them are 5-star... would be cool if Frank could read it and do a review explainign what's wrong with it. #17 - Posted by: rast on May 1, 2008 04:57 PMWhen I took my VW Passat in recently for service, they gave me a Chevy Sprint loaner! If they try that next time I'm going to say no thanks, I don't want my friends to think I'm a homosexual and I will then call a cab! It's like riding around in a Hams Beer Can only way gayer! #18 - Posted by: ussjimmycarter on May 1, 2008 05:41 PMand why, exactly, is it good that high gas prices hurt poor people? #19 - Posted by: sara on May 1, 2008 06:07 PM//and why, exactly, is it good that high gas prices hurt poor people? ummm, this is a humor site sara, *that* remark was made in jest, so back off sissy ...however I'm okay with the fact that gas prices affect poor people, because they don't pay taxes; maybe the lazy bums will try and get a job to pay for their gas, same as freaking illegals. #20 - Posted by: on May 1, 2008 07:10 PMSometimes, this is just a sarcasm site, #20. One just has to know that. A VW Passat? I won't say it. #21 - Posted by: on May 1, 2008 09:26 PM* One way to reduce gas prices is to do more drilling in America. None of the drilling will be near you, but there will be many people near you loudly complaining about it and it's currently illegal to punch them. Frank, 100% of the people complaining about it would be hippies, and I was under the impression, as a regular here, that it was currently legal to punch hippies. Did Congress pass an Anti-Hippie-Punching law while I was not watching CSPAN? #22 - Posted by: otcconan on May 1, 2008 10:20 PMAh, but my Passat is the Sport model replete with the monster 3.6 liter engine and paddle shifters! Will blow the doors off anything else in it's class! #23 - Posted by: ussjimmycarter on May 2, 2008 07:50 AM>> * One way to lower gas prices would be to have a huge war for oil. Most people seem to be against this, though, despite no one being able to cite a single downside. And in fact, depending on where you fight the war for oil, you can get many other benefits beyond stolen oil. - End illegal immigration by conquering Mexico (because it's much easier to defend the border with Guatemala) and stealing their oil. - End the Canadian menace by conquering Canada stealing their oil - Cause peace in the middle east by crushing all the puny governments there under the might of American Imperialism -- and stealing their oil #24 - Posted by: Dave on May 2, 2008 10:22 AMPost a comment
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