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July 03, 2008
It's Up to Me to Save the World
Posted by Frank J. at 10:02 AM | View blog reactions | Comments (51)

A lot of people take politics really seriously. They're like, "If Obama gets elected or McCain gets elected and lets all the illegal immigrants in America, the world is going to end!" That's stupid. The way the world is going to end is if it gets hit by an asteroid. With everyone worrying about the stupid election, I don't think anyone is paying attention to the asteroids. One could hit us tomorrow and that's like it. We're all dead. Are the candidates talking about asteroids? No. They're talking about the economy and gas prices. Well, that's not going to help us. Doesn't matter if we have a lot of money; you can't bribe an asteroid. And I don't know what you'll do with gas to try and stop the asteroid except maybe coat it in it and set it on fire -- which will just get you a big flaming asteroid which is even worse.

Right now, the asteroids are hiding out between Jupiter and Mars plotting and planning and making their physics calculations on exactly how to launch themselves to hit us. If we want to stop them, we need a plan. Hundreds of years ago, the asteroids killed the dinosaurs. Know why? They didn't have a plan. We're going to be different.

And the plan is not going to be, "Let's just shoot the asteroid and blow it up." This isn't some videogame; you can't stop rock by shooting it. It's not a gorilla. And if you did play the videogame, you'll know that even if you succeed, you'll just turn the asteroid into multiple smaller asteroids which are just as deadly. We need a smart plan to stop the asteroids.

I got one. Here's what we'll do: We'll paint Mars blue. The asteroids will see Mars, think it's us, and hit it instead. It's simple and it will work. So you're asking, "Why not paint Venus? It's the same size and should make a more convincing Earth." That's idiotic. For one thing, it's super-hot there, so how the hell do you plan on painting it? Also, it's further away from the asteroid belt than us, so the asteroids will see the real Earth before seeing the decoy Earth. Painting Venus is a truly idiotic plan. You're disgustingly stupid for even suggesting it. This is why I sometimes think of just giving up blogging because I just can't deal with people as stupid as you are.

So anyway, we're painting Mars blue. And before you think, "Won't that be like a million trip to the paint-mixer at Lowe's?" realize that it doesn't all have to be like the perfectly same shade of blue. We can take all the blues they have ready on the shelf and maybe even some greens. Asteroids don't have great eyesight; Mars just has to look bluish. The next thing you may be wondering is, "Since Mars is red, won't painting it blue just make it purple?"

Oh crap. You're right. I'm so stupid! Why didn't I think of that? What do you mix red with to get blue? I don't think you can mix anything to red to get blue. Crap. I guess we could prime it first, but that would take way too long. And you have to wait a couple hours after priming it for it to dry. The asteroids will get us by then. That's not going to work.

Great. Now we're all going to die from asteroids hitting us because I can't come up with a plan. And it's up to me to come up with a plan. I'm the only one paying attention to this. Just look at Instapundit; he's talking about the economy and Obama -- things that are completely worthless when you get hit by an asteroid. And when did his URL change? Doesn't matter. We're dead. An asteroid is going to come and--

Oh! I have an idea! We'll need to make some giant rockets near the equator. Maybe in Ecuador, because I think that's near the equator because it's name kinda sound like equator. Anyway, we don't have time to check that; get over to Equador and start building rockets which will have their exhaust pointing straight up into the sky. People in Ecuador probably don't understand about things like asteroids, so if they ask you what you're doing, just say, "Not building giant rockets, so shut up and stop bothering me." You might have to say it in Spanish, because I think it's what they speak there. Again, we don't have time to check.

Anyway, when we see an asteroid is about to hit us, we wait until Earth rotates so that the rockets are in the proper position and then we fire them up, propelling Earth even faster around its path around the sun moving it out of the way of the asteroid. I guess we'd have to know about the asteroid a day in advance to make sure we have time for the rockets to get in position. We could reduce that time by having rockets on the opposite side of the Earth too. I'm not sure where that would be. Maybe Mongolia. Again, we don't have time to check. Just get over there and start building rockets. Watch out for Mongols.

While this should work, know that when we have to use it, we're going to lose some days that year by having moved Earth further around its revolution. I'm not sure how that will affect the economy or TV schedules if we lose some days out of the year. Around the end of the year, we'll be like, "Shouldn't we have a few more days left this year?" But no, the year will already be over.

So, there will be problems, but we won't be hit with asteroids... unless one comes at us to trick us into firing our rockets launching us into the path of another. Do asteroids plan together like that? If they do, I'm not sure what we can do. Crap. I guess this is why people ignore asteroids: It's just too much to deal with. You'll go crazy.

Rating: 2.1/5 (20 votes cast)

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