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July 15, 2008
In My World: Drill!
Posted by Frank J. at 11:06 AM | View blog reactions | Comments (12)

"Drill! Drill!" President Bush shouted as the people put together the drilling equipment.

"What are you doing in my house?" Harry Reid demanded as he walked up to Bush.

"I lifted the ban on off-shore drilling, and I'm starting with your house," Bush said.

"My house isn't off-shore!"

Bush shrugged. "I was going to move your house off shore and then drill it, but that seemed excessive."

"Why do you want to drill my house?!"

"Because I hate you, stupid." Bush punched Reid in the face, knocking him to the ground. "You're stupid!"

"I'll get you for this!" Reid ran off.

"And do what? Get me thrown out of office within a year? Lower my approval ratings." Bush chuckled and made a call on his cell phone. "How's the drilling in San Francisco going? ...Well, if any hippies start to give you trouble, just drill in their heads... Of course it's legal. I told you you could do it, so it's legal!" Bush hung up the phone and walked over to Dick Cheney. "So do you think we'll strike oil soon?"

"With all the drilling we're doing, it's inevitable," Cheney said. "And then we'll steal it and watch the puny humans suffer!"

"No!" Bush yelled. "We're supposed to get more oil so the American people will love me again and burn Democrats in tribute to me."

"Halliburton was under the assumption this was an evil, no-bid drilling contract," Cheney explained. "If you want them not to be evil, that costs extra."

"How much extra?"

"Twenty percent."

Bush thought about that. "That's too much. Well, if the American people really are going to elect Obama, I guess they deserve to suffer."

"Whatever. I'm way passed the point of feeling I need to justify my action." Cheney rubbed his hands together greedily. "I love evil!"

Bush shrugged. "Evil is alright. Time to try and explain things to the press."

Cheney continued to watch the drilling equipment. "Puppets are in the car."

* * * *

"Obama is such a tool. I want to cut his nuts off."

"Uh... the mike is on," one of the reporters said.

"Why do you think I'm reading the teleprompter?" Bush shouted in response. He looked back to the prompter. "But enough about Obama's nuts; I'm here to talk about drilling. People don't like high gas prices, so the obvious thing to do is drill for more oil. Anyone who whines about gas prices and isn't for drilling is a stupid annoying person who should be drilled in the head -- maybe by one of those flying silver sphere things from the horror movie Phantasm. Did you see that? Anyway, we should make those and release them at the Democrat National Convention. That would be fun." Bush stared at the screen for a second. "I guess that's all I wrote. Any questions?"

"Are you going to drill in ANWR?" a reporter asked.

"Why wouldn't we? Who would stop us? Moose? Eskimos? We can handle them. I'm thinking we'll also drill in Canada. I hear they have oil there and they don't have any use for it because they're not technologically advanced enough."

"Will we be drilling in Iraq?"

Bush looked confused. "There's oil there?"

"What about research into alternative fuels," another reporter asked.

"I have a clock that runs on a potato," Bush said. "It's pretty neat."

"I mean how about paying others to do research into alternative fuel?"

"Oh. Well, we're doing that. The drill we're using in Yellowstone runs on ethanol. With research like that, we'll be able to continue to drill for oil even if we run out of oil."

"What about alternative fuels for cars?"

"It's has always been the position of my administration that that is gay." He checked his watch. "I'm getting tired of this. Is my presidency over yet?"

Rating: 2.6/5 (33 votes cast)

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