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August 21, 2008
In My World: The Rick Warren Interviews
Posted by Frank J. at 10:41 AM | View blog reactions | Comments (31)

"Thank you for being here," Rick Warren said.

"Uh... er.. you're... um... welcome," Barack Obama answered with nervous looks to the audience.

"First question: What is your name?"

"My name is... um... Barry... uh... I mean Barack... um... Obama." Obama looked quite flustered. "McCain isn't getting these questions ahead of time, is he?"

Warren shook his head. "No, he's in the cone of silence. Now here's the next question: When does life begin?"

"Um... er... I don't... uh... that questions is... um... above my pay grade."

"So you don't know when life begins?"

"I... um... don't know lots of things."

"Well, let's go with more specific examples, then. A ten-year-old: Would you say he's alive and fully human?" Warren asked.

"Yes, I guess I would... um... probably say that a ten-year-old is a person."

"Okay. How about a five-year-old?"

"Well... uh... they go to... um... kindergarten, right? So... um... if you go to a... um... government funded school... uh... you'd probably have to be a... um... person."

"What about a two-year-old?"

"Well... uh... now we're getting into a bit of a gray area." Obama could see the audience was a bit cold to him. "Now... uh... I know some people... um... are wondering about my... uh... vote on the... uh... Born Alive Act, but... um... I want to assure you that... uh... I am not for... um... infanticide. I just won't... um... stop those who are... uh... and I may ask for... um... government funding for them."

The audience stared at Obama with disbelief.

Obama stretched his collar. "You sure McCain won't get these questions ahead of time?"

Warren looked insulted by the question. "No one can defeat the cone of silence!"

* * * *

John McCain sat within the center of the cone of silence staring at its bare, white walls. There was no sound. He was truly isolated. "Rick Warren may think his cone of silence is impenetrable," McCain said to himself, "but he underestimates the power of DARK REPUBLICAN MAGIC!" McCain began to summon forth the Dark Powers. "Satan, Cthulhu, Skeletor... hear my call! Show me what lies beyond!"

A dark cloud swirled before McCain revealing the stammering Barack Obama. "Muh ha ha ha!" McCain laughed. "Now I'll know all the questions beforehand! GOP minions, can you hear me?"

"Yes, sir, we can hear you," answered a minion, "and we're running each question Rick Warren is asking through a building full of supercomputers to determine that absolute best answer for each. You'll be so prepared for this interview that in comparison they'll want to send Obama home on a short bus."

McCain tapped his fingertips together. "Excellent. I see Warren is asking a question on faith. I'm going to tell a story of a Vietnamese guarding drawing a cross in the sand. Make sure that other people will back me up; brainwash them if necessary."

"If you're going to make up a story," the minion said, "why not have it be about you doing something Christian?"

"Bah!" McCain shouted. "I'm the master of evil! Don't question my methods! We should just feel lucky those meddling Kos Kids haven't found out that I was never a POW and spent the Vietnam War at the North Pole punching baby seals in the face."

McCain watched as Obama stammered in response to more questions. "So, what did you guys do to him to make him look so stupid?"

"We didn't do anything."

"Hmm. Maybe we're putting too much effort into this."

Rating: 2.2/5 (29 votes cast)

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