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September 18, 2008
Time to Better Police the Tubes
Posted by Frank J. at 10:58 AM | View blog reactions | Comments (50)

Palin's e-mail getting hacked is the perfect opportunity for McCain to seize control of an issue that affects all Americans. Obviously, current law has not been effective with the internet considering the amount of hackers and spammers and spyware. With the anonymity people get on the internet, they think they can do anything, and prosecuting a person or two every so often is just not slowing them down. It's time for new tactics. It's time to enter the twenty-first century. It's time for a secret police that is above the law and answers to no one.

McCain's first act of president should be to sign a bill to create the Internet Secret Police -- or ISP for short unless that acronym is already used on the internet. "After signing this bill," McCain will announce, "I will have no more control over these people. They are above the law, can use whatever tactics they want, and cannot be stopped. God help you weirdos on the internet."

When they find who broke into Palin's e-mail account, the ISP will burn down their houses and connect the hackers tiny gonads to car batteries -- and they will post video of it all on YouTube. Inevitably, there will be an outcry, to which McCain can reply, "Hey, there's nothing I can do about it. It's not out of my hands."

"But won't they go crazy with their power and commit even more horrific acts?" some will ask.

To which McCain will smile and say, "Inevitably."

Everyone will then get a final e-mail from spammers with pictures of them being flayed alive. Whole villages in Nigeria will be razed to the ground. People online will fear uttering l33t speak like wizards fear saying the name Voldemort.

When spam is destroyed and hackers are reduced to curling up in the corner of their parents' basements with fear, who will the ISP target next? Anonymous trolls, maybe? You may think it will be horrific what will happen to them and a violation of human rights and basic human decency, but you have to admit it will help the economy to be rid of a few more useless people.

So this should be what McCain will promise: A reduction of spam, a reduction of cyber-attacks, and a reduction of annoying little goober kids. We will have a new, cleaner, more efficient internet, and that's hope and change we can all believe in. As for anonymity on the internet, that's still fine. Just don't use it to annoy anyone, because then you die.

Rating: 2.1/5 (52 votes cast)

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