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September 18, 2008
Time to Better Police the Tubes
Posted by Frank J. at 10:58 AM | View blog reactions | Comments (50)

Palin's e-mail getting hacked is the perfect opportunity for McCain to seize control of an issue that affects all Americans. Obviously, current law has not been effective with the internet considering the amount of hackers and spammers and spyware. With the anonymity people get on the internet, they think they can do anything, and prosecuting a person or two every so often is just not slowing them down. It's time for new tactics. It's time to enter the twenty-first century. It's time for a secret police that is above the law and answers to no one.

McCain's first act of president should be to sign a bill to create the Internet Secret Police -- or ISP for short unless that acronym is already used on the internet. "After signing this bill," McCain will announce, "I will have no more control over these people. They are above the law, can use whatever tactics they want, and cannot be stopped. God help you weirdos on the internet."

When they find who broke into Palin's e-mail account, the ISP will burn down their houses and connect the hackers tiny gonads to car batteries -- and they will post video of it all on YouTube. Inevitably, there will be an outcry, to which McCain can reply, "Hey, there's nothing I can do about it. It's not out of my hands."

"But won't they go crazy with their power and commit even more horrific acts?" some will ask.

To which McCain will smile and say, "Inevitably."

Everyone will then get a final e-mail from spammers with pictures of them being flayed alive. Whole villages in Nigeria will be razed to the ground. People online will fear uttering l33t speak like wizards fear saying the name Voldemort.

When spam is destroyed and hackers are reduced to curling up in the corner of their parents' basements with fear, who will the ISP target next? Anonymous trolls, maybe? You may think it will be horrific what will happen to them and a violation of human rights and basic human decency, but you have to admit it will help the economy to be rid of a few more useless people.

So this should be what McCain will promise: A reduction of spam, a reduction of cyber-attacks, and a reduction of annoying little goober kids. We will have a new, cleaner, more efficient internet, and that's hope and change we can all believe in. As for anonymity on the internet, that's still fine. Just don't use it to annoy anyone, because then you die.

Rating: 2.0/5 (11 votes cast)

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50 Responses To "Time to Better Police the Tubes"

Does this mean there will be no more liberal websites? They're practically breeding grounds for trolls.

#1 - Posted by: Swamper on September 18, 2008 11:46 AM

I read this really cool Iron Man Comic some years ago where the Terriost Orginasation called AIM was using a computer program to turn PC's into High explosive bombs. This seems like it would be more effective.

"I'll get those stoopid cunservitives. This post on IMAO calling them poo-poo heads will show them. What's hapening to my computer?!? Oh NO!! IT'S THE ISP! I'M DONE FOR!!!" (Boom, followed by the leveling of his mothers basement.)

All we need is a plan to capture MODOK. It shouldn't be hard. Happens all the time. We could hire Deadpool since he seems to be the only Weapon X member not in the new Wolverine movie.

#2 - Posted by: BigRichardSmall on September 18, 2008 11:58 AM

After Chris Hanson did his To Catch A Predator series on older men going after young boys and girls, he went after Nigerian scam artists. Walk before you can run, I guess.
Unfortunately, no police were there to pin the Feminists to the ground (sorry, regular obscenities are too overused to show the shear vileness of them). All they could do is embarrass them and film them.

#3 - Posted by: Kent on September 18, 2008 01:14 PM

"I need you to go out and talk to your friends and talk to your neighbors. I want you to talk to them whether they are independent or whether they are Republican. I want you to argue with them and get in their face," Obama said.

So here we come lameys. You think you can go 1-on-1 with us on the issues. You got an excuse for Bush destroying the stock market and the financial institutions. Can you explain Katrina, the deaths in Iraq or the rising inflation. Didn't think you could losers. So take that in your face on behalf of Mister Obama losers!!!

#4 - Posted by: Mel on September 18, 2008 01:21 PM

See Obama is going to lower taxes. I am Obama's ambassador of good news for you! I bring good news that he will win and he is good and right and McCain and Palin are out to lunch and bad America.

"And if they tell you that, 'Well, we're not sure where he stands on guns.' I want you to say, 'He believes in the Second Amendment.' If they tell you, 'Well, he's going to raise your taxes,' you say, 'No, he's not, he's going lower them.' You are my ambassadors. You guys are the ones who can make the case."

#5 - Posted by: Mel on September 18, 2008 01:22 PM

Mel we are going to bring it right to the Republican's faces. Let's let them explain how they are going to pull the economy out this incredible never-before-seen slump with the same-old plans as Bush. Let's let them explain how they are going to get Bin Laden after they couldn't for eight years. Let's let them explain how they are going to continue the Iraq War with our country in a financial mess and the usa already a trillion in debt to China because of George W. Bush... I could go on and on with reasons McCain-Palin equals FAIL!

#6 - Posted by: Atom on September 18, 2008 01:32 PM

We are coming to right to your face
but don't worry we don't have mace

#7 - Posted by: Boogy on September 18, 2008 01:33 PM

If we bring out knowledge to your face
then that means that we will win this race
if we yell and yoller and shout
it will give us tons of clout
when so many facts we show you
your lies will look like poo poo
this is the reason why we fly
so very high with obama in the sky

#8 - Posted by: Boogy on September 18, 2008 01:37 PM

Yahoomailgate was an inside job! Palin had her e mail password HELLO! No one else did it was her!

#9 - Posted by: Sir Deus on September 18, 2008 01:40 PM

sounds good.. life time appointments....

but seriously, what's with the obama crap for sale in the top right hand corner of your web page? it switches between that and google ads...

#10 - Posted by: Ross on September 18, 2008 01:52 PM

You may think it will be horrific what will happen to them and a violation of human rights and basic human decency, but you have to admit it will help the economy to be rid of a few more useless people.

The first volunteers for a slow, violent death appear to have posted already.

#11 - Posted by: Master Shake on September 18, 2008 01:52 PM

I'd be happy with better policing of trolls at IMAO.

#12 - Posted by: Typical IMAO Supporter on September 18, 2008 01:53 PM

Yes, My worthless disciples, yes! Get in their faces and kill them with your bad breath and body odor!

#13 - Posted by: Barack Obama on September 18, 2008 01:55 PM

Great Troll's, It's gotten to the point I can't tell if these people are real or normal IMAO posters making jokes. (Yeah, Jimmy you were great yesterday)

If you are going to fake troll please either have a pattern we all know and think is funny (like Jimmy) or make them utterly rediculous so we know you're full of crap.

Other than that if you are real try to explain why Bush in 2003 tried to rewright the regulations but down by congress for Fanny May and Freddy Mac, or how McCain tried to do the same thing 2 years later but was shot down by senate Democrats.

#14 - Posted by: BigRichardSmall on September 18, 2008 01:55 PM

LittleRichard - what how bush borrowed so much from China to pay for a war we did not need at all that it put us in terrible debt and ruined the dollar. the weak dollar drove up oil prices and cause horrible inflation that is hurting consumers. that is the gop for you. that is the bush/cheney and mccain for you. that is what we dont want. this is me bringing it right to your republican faces on behalf of obama. and i know u cannot take it cause we are an awesome unstoppable force of hope and change!!!

#15 - Posted by: Chad on September 18, 2008 02:19 PM

If we don't elect Obama the oceans will become acidy and all the fish and coral will dissolve crom too much c02. It's a science fact. Look it up. They are already becoming too much acidic.

#16 - Posted by: benji on September 18, 2008 02:21 PM

* This is an automated reply from the Bullshit Detector at IMAO.us *

Your recent post contained troll-like characteristics that resemble the type of message written by spoiled liberal elites, college students who have recently overdosed on Noam Chomsky, Kos Kidz, Huffers, DUmmies, moonbats or genuine all-purpose douchebags.

In order to prevent another thread being hijacked, we ask that you kindly rewrite your post in the following format:
1. Premise or premises
2. Argument or arguments in support of your premise(s)
3. Evidence or links to evidence in support of your argument(s)
4. Conclusion of your argument(s)

Please respond to the items listed above. Your message will be sent to the appropriate department for response.

Based on your answers, a thoughtful reply or instructions to FOAD will be provided.

Thank you for writing to IMAO.us.

Sincerely,
Troll Early Warning Detection Team

#17 - Posted by: Troll Early Warning Detection Team on September 18, 2008 02:32 PM

Yup, Chad, as we all know, there was absolutely no national debt before George Booooosh came to office. And, as we all know, the CEO's of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac both went to work for the same campaign but I can't remember which one that was. Oh well, you're obviously so incredibly intelligent with an above room temperature IQ I'm sure you know which one.

And Atom, I'm glad you have noted that there has never before been a drop in the stock market. Ever. I mean - the past week is the only time since we came down from the trees that anyone with money in the DOW has ever lost a dime. And, I am also glad that you recognize that the best solution in hard financial times is "tax everything more". I mean - it worked so well for Carter.

My point for both of you is this - do you think Sarah Palin will allow abortion doctors to live?

#18 - Posted by: cptnmoroni on September 18, 2008 02:45 PM

Republican are always talking about freedom. How come in the U.S. they only want freedom for non-gays? I know it is because you are all a bunch of bigots! Take that from an Obama supporter.

#19 - Posted by: GayAccountant on September 18, 2008 02:59 PM

cptnmoroni just compared Bush to Jimmy Carter which may be an apt comparison since both economies have a terrible economy combined with stagflation. McCain would just be more of the same.

If Sarah Palin plans to kill abortion doctor that does not seem likely to be a message that will help her get elected.

By the way is cptnmoroni a kind of pirate pasta? Ooooooooooo burned you on that one mofo. That's gonna sting in the morning! Zinger! A zinger on behalf of Barack Obama.

This election rocks!

#20 - Posted by: Atom on September 18, 2008 03:04 PM

Damn it Chad, Does your mother tell you everything?

The weak dollar had very little to do with oil prices. The dollar is based more so on our economy vs. inflation vs. trade. Oil speculators were basing that the US is eating up massive amounts of energy and will do little to create more of our own. So the price of oil started rising. Then around 8 months ago the market went into a panic, with the economy started showing signs of weakening. The speculators knew we would do nothing to increase our own domestic production.

That was until the evil Bush ended the executive branches moratorium on off shore drilling. Ever since then the oil price has been in free fall. Now if congress would completely release their moratorium and give that right back to the states where it belongs you'll see prices back down to $30 a barrel. Oh how by the way how’s our dollar doing since then?

#21 - Posted by: BigRichardSmall on September 18, 2008 03:04 PM

Is it trolling if you use facts instead of hysteria?
Either way, feel free to smack around any nonfacts you come across.

#22 - Posted by: Norg on September 18, 2008 03:39 PM

Oops. Get your nonfacts over here

#23 - Posted by: Norg on September 18, 2008 03:42 PM

Crap. I type worse than the trolls. One more time:
dumbness

#24 - Posted by: Norg on September 18, 2008 03:44 PM

Obama just gave a brilliant speech on the economy. Under Obama the economy will be called the Oconomy because it will so big and awesome and we will actually create jobs instead of lose them like the Republicans keep doing.

#25 - Posted by: FatNinja on September 18, 2008 04:27 PM

file://localhost/C:/Users/big%20will/Downloads%202/demotavation/00carter.JPG

#26 - Posted by: Sir Deus on September 18, 2008 04:45 PM

Norg, I'm not trolling. Obama said to bring it right to face of the conservatives and that's why I am here. Trolling is like spam and stuff. Like click here to get some magic beans and enlarge your dingdong. I'm not doing that - geesh. I want to explain how Obama's healthcare plan is better! McCain's very bad plan leaves 50 million ppl uninsured! And you don't want that. No way!

#27 - Posted by: FatNinja on September 18, 2008 04:46 PM

Sir Deus,

say what? Try putting the JPG on tinypic.com so we can see it.

#28 - Posted by: FatNinja on September 18, 2008 04:48 PM

Here's a fun exercise:

If Obama's email account had been hacked, what would they have found?

Emails from Ayers, Rezko, Wright?
Nigerian (Kenyan?) get-rich-quick schemes?
Grow a pair soliciations?

Any thoughts?

#29 - Posted by: 2klbofun on September 18, 2008 04:49 PM

If Obama's email account had been hacked, what would they have found?

Probably some of his interesting ideas to save the economy. And probably some spam too - everyone gets spam.

#30 - Posted by: Atom on September 18, 2008 04:51 PM

Liberals are always talking about tolerance. How come in the U.S. they only want tolerance for non-conservatives? I know it is because you are all a bunch of bigots! Take that from an Palin supporter.

Fixed it for 'ya, GayAccountant (why are you so happy about accounting, anyway?)

#31 - Posted by: T.N. Amaps on September 18, 2008 04:55 PM

I am here waiting to get up in some Republican's grill about the issues like obama told me to do. Whatever TN anamps said above was so silly it must be ignored. I did lol at the gayaccountanant joke though.

#32 - Posted by: Atom on September 18, 2008 04:59 PM

Yep - Bush and Jimmy Carter - they're practically the same guy. Both have Y chromosomes, both ate at Long John Silvers, and they both went to the same ninja training academy in Osaka. Of course, Carter kept getting beat up by the lunch lady while he was there, but she's a ninja lunch lady so cut the guy some slack.

Know who else is just like Jimmy Carter, Atom? Barack Obama. Did you know that Carter is afraid of killer rabbits? And Obama really liked that Monty Python movie with Sir Robin. Not only that, but Barack also got beat up by the lunch lady at that muslim prep school he went to in Indonesia! It's true! Even when her burqa got caught in the tray carousel, she was able to give Obama a swirlie. Finally, when Carter showed his true colors by declaring he supported the military strategy of "Run away!" (more Monty Python humor there), he got his rear end handed to him on a plate the next election and so will Obama.

I have to respectfully disagree with your assessment that killing people will not get Palin elected. Every election in US history has had the president and vice president sacrificing virgins on the altar on the steps of the capitol building during the inaguration ceremony. To the winners go the spoils and all that. Read a history book, for crying out loud.

#33 - Posted by: cptnmoroni on September 18, 2008 05:08 PM

fatnin, you're right, if it's not hysterical fiction and not irrelevant, it's not trolling. So if you're not doing either of those, you're just disagreeing, which is cool here. But we'll disagree back, be warned.

#34 - Posted by: Norg on September 18, 2008 05:49 PM

If they burn all the villages in Nigeria to the ground then how will I get the money that Nigerian Prince promised to cut me in on? Are you just trying to keep me from getting my money, Frank?

Oh, I get it. YOU think YOU should get a slice too. Not so fast funnyman. I'm getting like 15 million dollars, and it's mine. ALL mine.

#35 - Posted by: Fiar on September 18, 2008 09:07 PM

"I am here waiting to get up in some Republican's grill about the issues like obama told me to do."

I have a very unnerving question that I think is almost serious...

This *person* is willing to start a belligerent confrontation with anyone not of his/her political belief, simply because their "leader" told them too.

My question is simple, and is for our rude visitors.
You get "in our faces", vomit out your pre-approved talking points, and we don't change our minds about your diety. Then what?

I'll leave the conjecture to others, but history already gives us a hint, and that frankly scares the shit out of me.

What else are you willing to do for your dear leader? No, wait, I don't think I'm ready for that answer just yet.

#36 - Posted by: Another Spec on September 18, 2008 09:51 PM

Norg, I'm not trolling. Obama said to bring it right to face of the conservatives and that's why I am here.

FatNinja, that's cool and all, but for some reason all of this (the surge in leftist trolls and Mobies) came out of nowhere right after Palin's selection as VP - Which makes it very hard for me and a lot of other people on the right to believe that you guys showed up here spontaneously (well, that and David Axelrod's connection to Astroturfing).

#37 - Posted by: WAL on September 18, 2008 09:54 PM

#14 BigRichardSmall:

Dear Big,
I've recently been allowed back on the playing field (the chicken coop?) after getting accidentally filtered. And I'm here to tell you, friend, tweren't me trollin' here yesterday or today. Strange, Sept. 17th's troll comments were just the worst I've ever seen. Big turn off for a lot of people, I'll wager.
Cheers, Jimmy (PS: I think all regular IMAO's should stop trolling if they have been.)

#38 - Posted by: Jimmy on September 18, 2008 10:05 PM

#39 - Posted by: Sir Deus on September 18, 2008 10:53 PM

"POLICE THE TUBES"?????

Aaach---that sounds like some sort of draconian Planned Parenthood initiative....

LOS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#40 - Posted by: KapitanLeutnant on September 18, 2008 10:55 PM

I believe that your pal Obama sent you to a gun fight with a spoon. I have to point out that I don't believe you're truly up to a debate of classic Keynesian economics versus classical laissez faire economics versus some of Levitt's theories with us given your unfortunate tendency to bumpersticker philosophy. Suffice to say, if you get anywhere near "up in my face", my hubby will fill your "grill" full of buckshot. I vote for the secret police! I think these trolls are boring as well as stupid. Far beneath the norm for Frank.

#41 - Posted by: Carolyn on September 19, 2008 12:34 AM

I believe that your pal Obama sent you to a gun fight with a spoon. I have to point out that I don't believe you're truly up to a debate of classic Keynesian economics versus classical laissez faire economics versus some of Levitt's theories with us given your unfortunate tendency to bumpersticker philosophy. Suffice to say, if you get anywhere near "up in my face", my hubby will fill your "grill" full of buckshot. I vote for the secret police! I think these trolls are boring as well as stupid. Far beneath the norm for Frank.

#42 - Posted by: Carolynp on September 19, 2008 12:35 AM

err...sorry 'bout that.

#43 - Posted by: carolynp on September 19, 2008 12:35 AM

I've already killed one troll today, and I've got an itchy trigger finger.

#44 - Posted by: Sarah Palin on September 19, 2008 12:48 AM

I'm John McCain and I approve of #44.

#45 - Posted by: President McCain on September 19, 2008 12:49 AM

Uh, oh. Norg, I actually know that guy. He's pretty alright in general, he just (like other musicians, myself included) gets het up about stuff pretty easily and jumps on down the rabbit hole. Go easy on him.

Now, whoever originated that list, go fisk the hell out of 'em.

#46 - Posted by: Peregrine John on September 19, 2008 01:10 AM

It doesn't matter if Obama only sent me here with a spoon or spork or whatever. I'm still here and I'll fight you with my smart words!!! Pow! Pow! Pischaw! Pischaw!! Whammo!! loL!

#47 - Posted by: Atom on September 19, 2008 01:47 AM

Troll,
The Other Yellow Meat.

Easily butchered , apparrently
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RGWakF5XgYM

#48 - Posted by: Terry_Jim on September 19, 2008 03:00 AM

"And if they tell you that, 'Well, we're not sure where he stands on guns.' I want you to say, 'He believes in the Second Amendment.' If they tell you, 'Well, he's going to raise your taxes,' you say, 'No, he's not, he's going lower them.' ..."

You left out the rest...

"And if they say, 'I want a president who will confront terrorists,' you say, 'We need to understand them better so that we can live together.'

"And if they say, 'Only a moron would psychoanalyze terrorists,' you say, 'Some people think they're freedom fighters.'

"And if they say, 'Are you kidding? "Some People" You're so childishly weak minded-that you need to resort to the opinions of "Some people" to support your views?" you say, 'I'm getting my Master's degree in Political Science with one of the preeminent men in the field.'

"And if they say, 'Then go suck your advisor's cock some more because when he cums that's your father's approval,' then you'll know you've made a connection."

#49 - Posted by: Spec(R) on September 19, 2008 03:00 AM

Great Funny, Frank! And I can't wait for an Obama idiot to get in my face! I shall return favor by punching said idiot in his/her/it's dumb monkey face! Punching liberal sissy's is yummy!

#50 - Posted by: ussjimmycarter on September 19, 2008 07:05 AM
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