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January 31, 2003
A Few Things to Get Off My Chest
Man, that Mandela tirade pissed me off. He's supposed to be a respected statesmen, but then he gravely insulted all of America with a bunch idiotic ramblings that make some of our peaceniks look sane. I mused how I wished the Whitehouse would respond, but the actual thing Ari Fleischer said was just some bland statement about how people think differently on these issues. I know one is supposed to be diplomatic, but I think this was cause enough for some righteous indignation. Mandela should have no respect by the U.S. after being that loony, and we, the American people, should be calling for his head.
Also, I hate the word "meme." I can't describe why; I just do. I've hated it ever since I first saw it. I tried to use it once to try and fit in with the cool blogging crowd, but then that just made me hate myself. It's a stupid word and I hate it.
That is all.
It Takes Money to Steal Your Money
The RNC began the new year with $5 million in the bank while the Democratic Party was $106,000 in debt. Republicans don't have trouble raising money because everyone loves them since they're the party of "Killing the Bad People." The kindest, honest, and most decent folks in America - the rich - especially love the Republicans and write them many checks. That's why Jesus once said, "Blessed be the rich, because they fund the campaigns of the tax-cutters."
The only people left who still like the Democrats, though, are their base: dumb poor people. And dumb poor people can't send Democrats money when they need it for buying Chia Pets and "No Blood for Oil" bumper stickers. Soon the repot man is going to come to the Democrats and repossess their whines and the live pigs they feed to Ted Kennedy. We'll probably end up seeing all the Democrat politicians out on the streets holding up signs that say, "Will demagogue for food." And then I'll punch the Democrat and steal his sign.
January 30, 2003
What's My Age Again Final Results
I am now done surveying blogger ages, as I forgotten why I originally cared. Anyhoo, we have 2118 years distributed amongst 62 bloggers. That makes the official average age of a blogger to be...
34.1612903225806451612903225806452 years of age.
So, that is now the super scientific (look at all the decimal places!) result of my survey. If some reporter asks you what is the average age of a warblogger is, you tell them "about 34 years of age." And if they ask you how you know, tell them some scientific guy named Frank told you. Also, if you are blogging and are not 34 years old, now you know that you are weird.
So, contact the press agencies and spread the word. And someone tell Glenn Reynolds so he'll link to me. I've been hitting record visits to my blog lately, but I want even more visits! MORE! MORE! HA HA HA HA!
Links of the Day
Eugene Volokh has a nice analysis of the issues involved with the professor who won't write letters of recommendation for Creationists. Now, I'm a pretty religious person, but I find Creationism pretty silly (both logically and religiously). Still, the idea that one's belief in Creationism would effect their study in medicine is pretty idiotic, and Prof. Michael Dini sounds like an asshole with a chip on his shoulder who is going out of his way to cause conflict.
Rachel Lucas has a picture of a baby brave enough to do what we all have secretly (or sometimes overtly) desired to do.
Combustible Boy has found what Abraham Lincoln's famous speech would look like today.
In My World: Whitehouse Demands Death of "Nutjob" Mandela
Escaping from handlers, Former South African President Nelson Mandela has gone completely insane. Speaking of the U.S.'s stance on Iraq, he flailed his arms around and exclaimed, "one power with a president who has no foresight, who cannot think properly, is now wanting to plunge the world into a holocaust." He also said "if there is a country that has committed unspeakable atrocities in the world, it is the United States of America" and "…Iraq produces 64 percent of the oil in the world. What Bush wants is to get hold of that oil." (Iraq produces 5% of the world's oil). He also accused America of racism, saying, "They do not care. Is it because the secretary-general of the United Nations is now a black man?" He then ended his tirade by kung fu fighting invisible ninjas.
Whitehouse Press Secretary Ari Fleischer was surprisingly reserved, given the circumstances. "HE'S A DEAD MAN!" he screamed at a press conference held today, "Dead, you hear me? F--king dead! No one says things like that about America and lives! No one! And I don't care if he is a complete nutjob. There's no excuse for that. He's dead!!!"
"Won't the international community be in an uproar if you assassinate Mandela?" asked a reporter.
"Ooh, the international community," Ari Fleischer said in a mocking high-pitch voice. "F--k the international community. If other countries wanted their opinions to matter, they shouldn't be so small and weak."
"So you have no reservation about killing a Nobel Peace Prize winner?"
"The Nobel Peace Prize don't make you bulletproof," Fleischer answered, "It's not like anyone will get angry at us when we finally kill Arafat. And I doubt there will be any protest when the car bomb that kills Jimmy Carter is traced back to us."
"You’re going to kill a former president?" asked one reporter in disbelief.
Fleischer looked confused. "Jimmy Carter was president? Of this country? You're s--t'n me. We have this whole electoral college thing to ensure that dumbf--ks like him can never get into the White House. Anyway, it doesn't matter. He's dead. Arafat's dead. And Mandela is extra dead. He is a dead man and nothing in this universe can save him. You make sure you print that in your papers: He is a dead man and nothing can save him."
"This is for broadcast, actually," a reporter corrected him.
Fleischer punched him hard in the face. "Don't f--k with me today."
"So what do you say to Daschle’s demands for an apology?" asked another reporter.
"That slimy weasel still asking for an apology for us trashing his office?" Ari inquired.
"No, I believe he wants an apology for how you and Bush beat the crap out of him when he first came to you for an apology for the office vandalism."
"Hey, we beat him up fair and square," Fleischer said indignantly, "No one can walk up to us and act like a little weenie and then expect to not have his ass kicked. All foreign diplomats know this now, and so should he."
President Bush then came running into the press conference. "Hey, Ari! I found a book of matches!" he exclaimed, "Want to go burn things?"
"Cool!" Fleischer answered and then told reporters, "No more questions," as he quickly exited with Bush.
Helen Thomas was notably absent from the press conference. Apparently she had become confused and was outside asking inappropriately combative questions to a painting of Gerald Ford. The painting then tripped and fell on her.
In unrelated news, a number of melted Star Wars action figures were found near the White House. D.C. police say there is no evidence that the incident is terrorist related, but they will continue to investigate.
Another Day, Another Complaint About the Continued Existence of Iraq
Every morning I get up and check the news hoping to hear that Iraq is finally in flames and the war has started. But, inevitably, no such violence fills the headlines and once again I am disappointed. We know they’re evil, so why don’t we just make them dead?
I just never understood this whole inspection thing. Why the hell do we have to prove Iraq has weapons? We're America: kind, benevolent, and in ownership of many nukes. If we saying something is so, the burden of evidence should be on someone else to disprove it. We say a country has WMD's, then they should immediately start bombing themselves to appease us.
And there is this acting like other country's opinions matter; why should we care what France and Germany think? France is a weenie; they're against everything that's moral and right. And so what if Germany is against this war? What else is new? They were against us declaring war in the 40’s too, but I think that worked out for the better.
Now we're saying we will try to avert war by helping Saddam into exile, but I think that has some potential at least. Here are my suggestions for where to exile Saddam:
*Into an airport locker
Or, maybe we can instead choose four nice tropical locations and exile part of him to each.
Yeah, yeah; a lot of those are more executions than exile. The other countries will probably be like, "You silly gooses, you just used exile as an excuse to murder Saddam. We'll have to keep an eye on you." But they better not get too angry, because we have enough firepower to exile entire countries if we get pissed.
January 29, 2003
A Democratic Response? Those Guy Are Still Around?
I didn't watch the State of the Union Address last night, but I did see the Democratic response. Man, that had to be one of the most pathetic spectacles I've ever seen. While the international community and our very lives are threatened by evil, their response is:
"My grandfather came here a hundred years ago from China. Please stop thinking about all those important issues like terrorism and war and instead worry about the intricacies of a prescription drug plan. My family came from China."
Why don't they just roll over and die already. For all this speech accomplished, they might as well have instead had a little monkey run on stage, say, "Ooh. Ooh. I'm a monkey." and scramble off. It now seems the kindest thing to do would be to take the Democratic Party behind the shed and blow its brains out to end its misery (and ours). Then maybe the two major parties can be a right-wing one and an ultra right-wing one, and we'll have heated debates in Congress about what is the most painful way to kill our enemies. Then, Europe will cower in fear from us even more saying, "Oh, who are those violent Americans going to lash out against next? We should do something about... Oh no! They're looking this way! Hide!"
Europe used to be the most powerful, but now it's whiny, pathetic, and irrelevant... hmm, just like the Democrats.
Question of the day: If the Democrats are Europe, who is France?
In My World: Rumsfeld Finds Call to War Not Nearly Loud Enough
At President Bush's State of the Union Address, he came just short of declaring war against Iraq. This seemed to displease Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld who sat watching, all the while looking ready to kill everyone around him.
At a press conference afterwards, instead of the usual curtain behind Rumsfeld, there was a wall of flame. No one was sure, though, whether it was set up earlier for atmosphere or whether it simply manifested itself as a physical representation of Rumsfeld's tremendous rage.
"Cower before me!" he yelled at the beginning of the conference. The reporters in attendance quickly complied. "The fact that we are not at war yet angers me greatly. Each time an Iraqi soldier takes a breath of air, it is an insult to all American people!"
He then grabbed one reporter by the collar and placed his luger against the guy’s head. "You look like you wish to question me!"
"Uh... when you get your war, what sort of post-war government do you plan to setup in Iraq?"
Rumsfeld stared him in the eyes for a short while. He then dropped him and said, "I have decided that instead of killing you, I will answer the question. There will be no post-war government; everyone will have perished. Next question."
"What are your reactions to Saddam's alleged plans to burn his oil fields?" asked another reporter timidly.
"WHAT!" Rumsfeld shouted angrily, causing the flames behind him to leap higher into the air. "Burning those oil fields was to be MY pleasure! What idea of mine is he going to steal next? Is he going to blow up his military complexes? Kill his soldiers with cluster bombs? Shoot himself in the head from a thousand yards?"
After a moments silence, a reporter bravely stepped forward. "We have reports that you and a group of mercenaries sneaked into both France and Germany and then set bombs on a number of their landmarks. Are you going to ask for a ransom, or are you just saving their destruction for a special occasion?"
"I'm not going to stand here and answer questions about my personal life," Rumsfeld answered curtly.
"Why do you want to harm France and Germany?" piped in one reporter, "Don't you understand that their just trying to bravely stand against America's imperial impulses?"
Rumsfeld just stared at the man for a moment. "My God, am I going to hurt you," he finally said and then rolled up his sleeves. "My doctor says I need more aerobic exercise, so I'm going to give you a head start."
The reporter took the hint and started running. "This press conference is over," Rumsfeld announced before giving chase.
In unrelated news, another reporter was found dead, an apparent victim of the "Rumsfeld Strangler". This time the strangler left a new calling card, a Polaroid of Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld strangling the victim with the message, "Here's me, Donald Rumsfeld, strangling this guy," written on it. Police profilers say the culprit is probably a nineteen-year-old Latino woman. D.C. police said they will not investigate, though, because "murderers are scary."
January 28, 2003
What's My Age Again Update II
Yay! I learned how to use a spreadsheet today!
Anyway, current total is 1600 years distributed amongst 48 bloggers. That makes the average age... so how do I make the spreadsheet do an average... ah funk dat, I'll just use the calculator.
The average age is 33 and a third. That's down from yesterday, but if I'm blogging until I'm "average age," that will be ten more years of posts under my belt. I thought people your age were scared of them new-fangled computers?
I'm just kidding!
That was fun. Maybe we can do a survey of some other blogger characteristic later. Anyway, they’re running Smallville (it’s targeted at my age group) versus the State of the Union address, so someone tell me if anything world ending happens or if we finally start bombing Iraq.
Frank Advice for Universities
Duke Univeristy has invited Laura Whitehorn to speak on campus, originally billing her as a "political prisoner" even though she was in prison for the “political statement “of bombing the U.S. Capitol. And then the people who invited her acted so surprised at the controversy, because college professors are the dumbest people on God's green earth. Even a four-year-old would understand that a terrorist should be hung instead of being asked to talk, but that's beyond college professors. This is just yet another example of the total idiocy that comes from our universities, as it's like the a mangy dog is better equipped to understand the real world than the people who run college campuses. I wouldn't be surprised if I found a college professor who had come up with some high-falutin reason why trees don't actually exist and thus keeps walking into them.
Maybe it wouldn't be so much a problem if colleges were just a place to isolate this stupidity - somewhere they can protect their precious idiocy that would be torn to shreds by the world outside - but the problem is they like to spread their dumb ideas to the students. College kids usually have a low protein diet of nothing but Ramen noodles and thus are highly susceptible to brain washing. I myself did all right because I had an engineering major which didn't leave me time for being stupid, but all the philosophy and arts majors are not so lucky. Sure, most will grow out of the stupid ideas when they start having to pay taxes, but, for some, the idiocy they learn in college destroys them forever.
We've let this go on to long. There is no reason that people who teach history and English have to lack the common sense of the average muskrat. First thing we need to do is to storm the colleges and remove the liberal professors. They can probably be trained to do simple tasks such as sweep floors and test the effectiveness of pepper sprays. Also, they can be fitted with shock collars to “teach” them if they ever try to talk about politics. Some may say that is cruel, to which I say, "Yeah, that's the point."
Next, we can find good professors to take their places. People who love America, hate terrorists, want all Commies to be dead, and like to use guns to shoot bad people. New student standards can be set that will expel a student for being "too much of a hippy." Also, there can be a new mandatory class that all students must take that teaches them why America kicks ass. It can be taught by an angry Marine who will savagely beat anyone who says something bad about the 'ole U.S. of A. This will be an especially good class for foreign students.
Let’s get to it. Our country’s educational future depends on it.
January 27, 2003
What's My Age Again Update
With 19 blogger participants (including me) there are a total of 690 years between us. The youngest blogger is Bill Whittle, who is almost eleven, and the oldest is Andrea Harris, who is eleventy-one (a very respectable age for a blogger).
Seriously, though, the average age for a warblogger (or, more accurately, the average age for a warblogger who read my blog in the past day and cared to admit his or her age) is about 36.31. Wow, that's old! Maybe I should stop making references to hip young things like color TV's and touch tone phones and instead make jokes you people could better relate to, such as rants about drinking Ensure or how inconvenient it is to break one's hip.
Anyway, the important thing is that I found out the majority of bloggers aren’t single women in their early twenties like I hoped. Oh well. If you are a blogger who would still like to contribute to this scientific survey, post to the comments. Don't bother if your age is 36.31, because that won't change the average.
NOTE: Don't just post your age if you don't fill out the URL space with your blog address. This is supposed to be a survey of bloggers, so I need to confirm you have one. Otherwise, this will have no scientific validty, and all my scientist peers will beat me up and call me names.
Links of the Day
Bill Whittle, who's almost eleven, has written an essay on both the horrors and necessity of war that's a must read. Go check it out.
Laurence Simon has a poll on the root causes of the Slammer worm. I blame "kids these days."
Speaking of Laurence Simon, John Hawkins has tried out the meme (isn't she Drew Carey's arch-nemesis?) that he made popular.
Loretta and the Tooth Fairy conspire to cheat her daughter out of a dollar. For shame.
Bare feet make Chaos Overlord angry. Chaos Overlord smash!
In My World: Whitehouse Dismissive of Whiny "Allies"
Push for war has grown ever stronger, with even the more "moderate" members of the Bush administration, such as Colin Powell, raising the idea of unilateralism. Plus, some relations with allies have been harmed by Rumsfeld characterizing France and Germany as "Old Europe" and dismissing them as irrelevant.
Even Republican Senator Chuck Hagel criticized the remarks, saying that the United States must assure the world it is patient and responsible and that "You don't do that with glancing blow, condescending remarks." Later that day, Hagel wound up in the hospital with most of his bones broken as he had fallen down a long flight of stairs and then climbed up the stairs and fell again four more times - at least according to the sole witness, Donald Rumsfeld. When he was asked whether that was just a lame story to cover up the fact that he had in reality severely beaten Hagel for his impudence, Rumsfeld responded, "Yes," and then raced off in his Buick laughing.
Whitehouse Press Secretary Ari Fleischer did not seem eager to answer question about the incident.
"I'm reading," he told questioning reporters at a press conference as he held up an advanced copy of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.
"But these are important issues that need..."
"I'm almost done with this chapter," Ari said angrily and then continued reading. "Harry Potter, you scamp, what trouble are you going to get into next?" he said to himself while chuckling. He then closed the book and looked to the reporters. “What the hell do you guys want?”
"Couldn't you find a different time to read?" asked one reporter.
"Hey, if you paid more attention in my previous press conferences, you could just guess what I'm going to say now and we wouldn't have to do these damn things."
"So you are going to condemn Rumsfeld for his actions?"
Fleischer put his hand to his forehead. "Jesus Christ, you guys are dumb. No, I am not going to condemn Rumsfeld, because, other than when I'm giving press conferences with you idiots, I enjoy life. The official position of the Whitehouse on France's and Germany's stance against war is ‘F--k them and the horses they rode in on.’ We'd launch cruise missiles at them, but they are so irrelevant we don't even have their latitudes and longitudes written down anywhere."
He was then asked about the refusal of Iraqi scientists to have private meetings with U.N. weapons inspectors.
"Oh, I know this one," Fleischer exclaimed and searched his jacket, finally producing a small card. "President Bush believes that Iraq's refusal to allow Iraqi scientists to submit to private interviews with U.N. inspectors is unacceptable. Under U.N. Resolution 1441, Iraq has an obligation to comply."
"What are you going to do if they continue not to comply?" asked another reporter.
"Well, uh... according to U.N. Resolution... uh... 1234, if you keep asking me questions about this, I have to kick you in the nuts."
"Resolution 1234? Never heard of it."
"It's right here," Fleischer said, holding open his book so the reporter could see. When the reporter leaned close for a look, Fleischer slammed it shut on his face.
The reporter ran off crying.
"Dumbass," Fleischer laughed. "Any other questions?"
Helen Thomas stood up.
"What did I do to deserve this?" Fleischer muttered to himself, "Did I murder the pope in a previous life?"
"Now Jim, why..."
"Let me stop you right there, Helen," Fleischer interrupted, "For the last time, my name is Ari Fleischer, President George W. Bush's press secretary, not James Hagerty, Dwight D. Eisenhower's press secretary, you senile old bat."
Helen paused a moment to reflect, "Now Jim, is the Whitehouse aware that most people are against your war for oil?"
"Most Americans are not against fighting Iraq, because we're not a bunch of irrelevant pansies like that collection of countries they call the EU. While there are some incoherent, nitwit peaceniks out there, their numbers are now dwindling due to our secret assassins' efforts to poison bong water. One more question."
"Due to the president's extreme masculinity, do you, despite your heterosexuality, sometimes find yourself physically attracted to him?" asked President Bush, poorly disguised with a sombrero.
"Is Rumsfeld after you again?"
"He says I'm going to wind up like Hagel if I don't get France and Germany to shut up. What did he look like the last time you saw him, Ari?"
"He had a murderous glare in his eyes... but just the same one he normally has."
"Cool. Anyway, I was talking to Fuzzy the janitor, and he says he can get me into the Capitol building tonight. I was thinking you and I could go trash Daschle's office. I got a big bag of poo!"
"Well don't tell all these people!" Fleischer shouted, pointing to the reporters.
"Oh yeah." Bush then turned to the reporters with his "threatening face." "Don't any of you cross me, because I know some powerful people! I even know me, the president!"
The next morning, Daschle found his office had been vandalized. He then held an impromptu press conference in which he blamed it on "right-wing talk radio." During his statement, he was struck in the head with a beer bottle, which he blamed on "aliens."
January 26, 2003
What's My Age Again
I've always wondered a bit about who my fellow bloggers are. Most of them it seems - but not all - don't put very much information about themselves on their blogs. I'd be one of them, as I guess years of reading about computer security makes me a bit antsy about putting lots of information about myself out on the web. Still, I'm usually curious at least at what are the average ages of warbloggers. I assume at 23 I'd be on the younger edge of the scale, but what's probably average? Thirty-something?
Anyway, I'll have a report on one of Ari Fleischer's press conferences ready for tomorrow morning. Until then, enjoy the Super Bowl.
January 24, 2003
Speak Loudly While Beating Them with a Large Stick
I'm getting tired of hearing about Iraq and North Korea. All this time and energy is spent on them, but you know these conflicts will be nothing but footnotes in our history books. Yes, they're threatening, but all they really threaten to do is piss us off. When I was a kid, we had the Soviet Union which had thousands of nukes pointed directly at us, and we were like, "Big whoop." That's because we had something even scarier than nukes: Ronald Reagan. You just knew he was looking for any excuse to send all the Soviets to radioactive Commie hell, and that kept them on their toes. And what did the Soviets have? Some weirdo with a Rorschach test on his head.
But the North Koreans have even less now. They just have maybe two nukes that can't even reach us and a leader with poofed up hair. Still, I guess that' pretty scary for South Korea, but not scary enough to get them out of their peacenik, anti-American haze. They think they can handle this themselves with talking (just like they did in the 50's). Do they really believe they can convince those complete nut jobs to now, after so many years, finally act rationally? I can just imagine how these talks are going to go: South Korea is going to agree to more aid to North Korea, and then Kim Jong Il is going to agree to nuke South Korea and then argue with himself in front of a mirror while consuming an entire can of Crisco.
The only way you can talk to these people is to do it the way Tony Soprano "talks" to people. Someone like Kim Jong Il is only going to do what's right if you make him think he's going to get ripped apart otherwise. South Korea should find their best thugs to "meet and greet" 'ole Jongy-boy. For starters, they should drag him to the nearest restroom and hold his head in the toilet for like twenty seconds.
South Korean Thug: Now, Jongy, all this talk about nuclear weapons has sort of distressed us.
They should then rip the paper towel dispenser off the wall and beat him with it, sort of as a punctuation to their "talks." Finally, they can shout, "Stay out of a Brooklyn!" before heading out the door (they might want to replace "Brooklyn" with some South Korean place; I'm too lazy to look any up). Do it right, and that will be the last problem they have with North Korea, because even the craziest dictators tend to hate being beaten with things.
January 23, 2003
France and Germany Together? Fugeddaboutit!
Germany and France have joined forces to form the Axis of Assclowns, together making a cowardly stand against war in Iraq. It's a feeble attempt to gain attention for two nations no one cares about anymore. What happens, though, if they truly combine themselves? Perhaps they'll develop a language called "Grench" that makes someone speaking it sound both evil and extremely effeminate. Or maybe we'll now see well-engineered cars that have a horrible cheese smell.
I know what some of you are probably now saying: "Let kill all the French and then kill all the Germans!" And then there are those who would take the opposite view point: "Let's kill all the Germans and then kill all the French." And, finally, there are the moderates who would say, "Can't we kill them both at the same time somehow?"
It would probably be an easy thing. We already whupped Germany twice, so we have a lot of experience at it. As for France, we could probably bully them into bombing themselves. But I think slaughtering the French and Germans wholesale give them more attention than they deserve. We're so important and grand that there is no reason we should ever be bothered with hearing their useless opinions or anything else about them, so we should just isolate them like North Korea and then forget about them. Their whines will fall on deaf ears, or, at least, not on our ears, the only ears that matter.
We can even remove them from maps, marking the area of their countries with a white space labeled "Unexplored Territory" with maybe "Because It's So Boring" following so that no one asks questions. We can also rewrite some history, such as saying that we built the Statue of Liberty ourselves from copper we stole from trolls. Perhaps then one day when our children are asked about the cheese-eating surrender monkeys they will respond, "What's a France?" And, when hearing about the Germans, say, "Are they actually still around? Didn't we kill all those Nazis off in WWII?" A lot of people fault us for being uninformed about other countries, but I call it prioritization because so many countries are not worth knowing anything about. I don't see why France and Germany can't be just like one of those African nations I’ve never heard of either.
And, maybe we can forget about Canada while we're at it, though we'll probably need a moat first or something.
January 22, 2003
I was in a hotel today, and, at the elevator, there was the usual sign "In Case Of Fire Use Stairway For Exit, Do Not Use Elevators", but under it it also said the same thing (I assume) in Braille. When the hell is that going to come into play? Is some blind guy going to be in front of the elevator panicking and yelling, "The hotel is on fire! The hotel is on fire! The hotel... Ooh, something to read." I guess it still ain't as bad as Braille on a drive through ATM, which seems to encourage dangerous behavior.
Anyway, since blind people can't read my website, is it okay to make fun of them just like it's okay to make fun of the Amish?
Links of the Day
John Hawkins has the scoop on a Rumsfeld apology.
Mrs. du Toit talks about true love.
In My World: Bush Running Short on Patience that Rumsfeld Never Had
President Bush told reporters Tuesday that he is running short on patience with Iraq.
"It appears to be a re-run of a bad movie," Bush said. "[Iraqi President Saddam Hussein] is delaying. He's deceiving. He's asking for time. He's playing hide-and-seek with inspectors. One thing is for certain — he's not disarming."
"On the other hand, if he had woke up one day and couldn't remember what he did with all his WMD's, that would be like a re-run of a good movie, because that would be like Dude, Where's My Car?" Bush then chuckled to himself. "'Dude, where are my WMD's?' That crazy Saddam; what trouble is he going to get into next?"
The reporters just stared at him.
Bush then got angry. "You guys suck; I'm outta here."
In a later press conference, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld responded to Bush's comments. "I'm not sure what kind of movie Iraq is now," he said, "but, as soon I get this war started, it's going to become the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Generations from now they will still be trying to scrub all the blood off the walls in Baghdad."
When asked whether there still might be any negotiations with Iraq to get them to disarm, Rumsfeld replied, "In my mind, the only thing still on the table is whether the spoon I personally gut Saddam with is dull or sharpened. If he thinks that there is anyway he can avoid a painful death at this point, then he is extremely high."
"Don't you ever feel ashamed about declaring war on innocent people just so you can get oil to make yourself richer?" asked a smelly hippy who had somehow broke into the press conference.
The reporters immediately jumped away from the hippy, hoping to avoid any resultant splash damage. Surprisingly, Rumsfeld hadn't leapt on the dirty hippy to tear him limb from limb, but instead just stood behind the podium, glaring at the fool. Eventually, a low rumbling sound was heard, and the hippy started choking and then fell to the ground. The reporters didn't seem too surprised by the incident; although none of them had before seen Rumsfeld kill someone just by looking at them, they always assumed he could do something like that.
"Any other questions?" Rumsfeld demanded.
"Is he going to explode?" asked a reporter looking at the hippy lying there in spasms.
"Eventually." Rumsfeld then looked at his watch. "Laura Bush talked me into reading to school children, so someone film it for me."
In a nearby kindergarten class, Rumsfeld read some excerpts from Jane's Guide to Guns and then took questions from the children.
"My mom says guns are bad," said little Suzy, age 5.
"Your mom is obviously a stupid whore," Rumsfeld responded.
Some of the children then started crying, asking that the "mean man go away."
"You children are weak!" Rumsfeld shouted in full rage, startling the children from their tears. "When I was your age, I had to help my village fight off roaming samurai with nothing but a pitch fork. And then I was in bed by six and never complained to my parents. I bet you children couldn't even pierce bamboo armor! You disgust me!"
That night, most of the children had trouble sleeping, fearing that Rumsfeld was hiding under their beds. They took little solace from the fact that Rumsfeld hardly ever waits in the dark to strangle someone in their sleep sleeps, instead preferring more direct approaches to killing.
January 21, 2003
So Now, To Be More Like Us, Do They Have to Have Sham Voter Difficulties Too?
609 candidates who ran uncontested for parliament were "elected" Monday with a 97 percent voter turnout.
In unrelated new, 3% of Cuba's population has mysteriously died.
I've always had mixed feelings on sham elections. On one hand, they are an insult to our hard fought for democracy, but, on the other hand, at least we have such an influence on the world that evil dictators feel that have to hold these sham elections in a feeble attempt to impress us. It would just be nice if the news stories about them were more honest and to the point, though:
"Cuba held a phony election today to impress dumb people worldwide with the false notion that they are a democracy and not just a bunch of goddamn Commies. If you actually think the election reflects popular support, then - this just in - you're a jackass!"
It really is stupid that here in the 21st century we still have Commies so close to our great nation. I thought by now we'd have moving walkways, flying cars, and tons of shallow Commie graves. At least Cuba is nice and local, though, to give our troops Commie-killing training before we eventually move on to North Korea and China and kill them good too.
Then again, after we kill all the Commies, life will be pretty boring. Well, we'll still probably have terrorists to kick around, but, man, they just don't compare to the Soviets I had to fear when I grew up.
Frank Advice for the State of the Union Address
Bush has been working on his first draft of his State of the Union address, and, since there is still about a week before he delivers it, I thought I'd give him my advice.
First thing's first, remember, it's not the content so much as the attitude. Don't have that fruity "Hail to the Chief" song playing when you enter, instead have the "Imperial March." Come in all stern-faced, and, to further show everyone you're a badass, head butt the first person who tries to shake your hand. Think of what evil dictators will say when they see that. "Holy crap! He broke that guy's nose for just trying to shake his hand. Think of what he'll do to me, an evil dictator!"
Start off with a great applause line, such as raising your fist in the air and shouting, "Our enemies must suffer!"
But remember, it's not enough that our enemies get blown apart into their component particles, but, at the same time we are bombing the crap out of them, they have to see us all eating caviar and cruising around in fancy cars. That's why you should propose a huge tax cut to improve our economy.
"We should have a tax cut of epic proportions," you should say, "And most should go to the best Americans - the rich. Some may say this is unfair." You should then pause dramatically. "They will die!"
Democrats may not applaud everything that is said. Whenever they don't seem to agree with a new proposed policy, point at them and scream, "Traitors!" This will make them uncomfortable with not applauding. One may voice protest at being labeled a traitor; if that happens, shout, "Rarrrr!" and charge at him while the VP and Speaker of the House try and hold you back. The Democrats should be pretty scared by then, and will probably clap politely at whatever you say.
Don't let them off the hook, though. Single out those who are against war in Iraq. "There are some who sympathize with our enemies," you should say angrily, "But mercy is for the weak! It is the same as being our enemies’ allies. Hang you gigantic head in shame, Ted Kennedy - if your neck is strong enough to support such a feat without snapping in twain." (he'll probably respond with "What neck?", but it's still a great line).
As for a finale, declarations of war will be great. Declare war on Iraq as people will expect, but also declare war on North Korea. Then pick a few other countries as a surprise (just throw darts at a map of the world; if you hit the U.S., try again).
Now say, "Some of our 'allies' will not support our plans of war, but I have one thing to say to them..." For this part, raise both fists in the air and scream as loud as possible, "DEATH!!!!" (you may need a voice coach to hit this just right)
This should be a huge applause line, even though it's not the most coherent thing ever said. If the Democrats don't give you a standing ovation, pull out a gun and shoot at their feet.
Finally, have fireworks go off indoors while you laugh insanely. Then, when the smoke fades, you should have mysteriously disappeared. If you do this right, all our enemies will be scared out of their wits, and the European leaders should wet their pants. Then no one will mess with the U.S.!
January 20, 2003
Links of the Day
I now have a Best of IMAO section, but I don't think I was too discriminating. I basically went through all my posts last year and took whichever ones seemed just a little funny (I don't think I wrote very much that was worthwhile in my first month, but no one was reading me then, so that worked out). Maybe I'll later have to make some cuts to trim it down to the cream of the crop.
The Elder at Fraters Libertas seems to think my satire is hateful, but I try to make all my satire loveful.
Emperor Misha takes on the issue of whether felons should have guns. Personally, I don't care who else has guns long as I have my own.
Mean Mr. Mustard finds interesting punctuation use by a protestor.
Finally, Bill Whittle has a lengthy but worthwhile post on celebrity and politics. My own little sister is in L.A. surrounded by those freaks. Please pray for her.
Maybe All He Really Wants is a Pen-Pal
Bin Laden reportedly has a new letter out, telling Muslims to unite and fight against the "crusader coalition." The good news is, in this letter, he never mentions a particular country, so maybe he just hates Liechtenstein now. I know I do.
If he is talking about the United States and Israel, though, that doesn't seem to make much sense, because he's asking Muslims to stop fighting each other and instead just fight us. Why the hell would they want to do that? They've seen what's happened to countries that tried to fight the U.S. and Israel: they got their asses handed back to them on a platter. But Muslims in the Middle East actually stand a chance fighting each other; that's poorly trained troops with old Russian weaponry against poorly trained troops with old Russian weaponry. Who knows who may win? There's a lot more suspense in those match-ups than the U.S. kicking around Iraq once more. Maybe if the Middle East countries are smart (history shows they are quite retarded, though), they could have some big war against each other and broadcast it on pay-per-view.
Also, bin Laden said that our true intentions are revealed, which is to "target Islam and Muslims." That's just silly. Doesn't hear how we believe "Islam means peace"? Why would we want to destroy something that means peace? That would be wacky.
Finally, bin Laden mysteriously defends Al Qaeda leaders for unspecified mistakes saying, "The honor of righteous men should be protected despite whatever faults they may commit." He doesn't elaborate, but my guess is that he is referring to an Al Qaeda leader doing things like:
* Smoking in the boy's bathroom.
I'm going to go out on limb, though, and guess that bin Laden is not faulting him for the murdering.
January 19, 2003
In My World: Stupid People No Like War
This weekend anti-war whack-jobs took to the streets in a last push to preserve murderous regimes.
"War argh gurgle oil ergh BAD!" one of the more coherent protestors was heard to say.
The Whitehouse seemed unperturbed by all the demonstrations.
"I think the president welcomes the fact that we are a democracy and people in the United States, unlike Iraq, are free to protest and to make their case known," said Whitehouse Press Secretary Ari Fleischer at a press conference, never once looking up from the Gameboy Advance in his hands.
"But what about the protestors who were beaten with their own ‘No Blood for Oil’ signs by men who claimed to have been paid by the Whitehouse?" asked one reporter.
"I think the president welcomes the fact that we are a democracy and people in the United States, unlike Iraq, are free to yadda yadda yadda," Fleischer responded, now staring at the Gameboy quite intensely, apparently fighting a boss monster in the game Metroid Fusion that he was playing.
"You’re not even paying attention to us!" shouted another reporter.
Fleischer then angrily chucked his Gameboy at the reporter, striking him in the head. "There, I paid you some attention."
"Ow! That hurt!" cried the reporter.
"Ow! That hurt!" Fleischer repeated in a high-pitch, mocking voice.
"You’re the meanest press secretary ever!" the man yelled before running out of the press conference crying.
"Anyone else want to waste my time with one of your idiotic questions?" Fleischer asked angrily.
Helen Thomas then stood up.
"Merciful God, please kill me now," Fleischer was heard muttering.
"Why does Bush want to kill Iraqi children?" Helen Thomas asked, "What did Iraqi children ever do to him?"
"Here, I have a question for you," Fleischer respond, "Why won’t you die, you shriveled, old hag? What sort of unholy agreement do you have with Satan to keep your body living long after your mind has expired?"
"Where’s my cat?" Thomas demanded, "Your talk of war has scared away my cat!"
"For the last time, Helen, your cat died thirty years ago!" said an exasperated Fleischer. "Someone please watch her. Any other questions?"
"Do you ever find it intimidating working with such a brilliant strategist as President Bush?" asked President Bush, poorly disguised with a mustache.
"What are you doing here?"
"I’m trying to hide from Rumsfeld," whispered Bush, "I’m afraid that once he finds out we haven’t started war yet, he’s going to break my legs."
"I did see him walking around earlier with his leg-breaking sledgehammer."
"So, Ari, can we go ‘debate’ the protestors like you said we would."
"Sure, did you bring your ‘argument’?"
Bush held up a metal pipe. "Sure did… but I flooded the bathroom getting it."
Fleischer pulled out a baseball bat from behind the podium. "Let’s roll."
"But we still have more questions!" protested one reporter. He was then struck with a bat, surprising no one.
January 17, 2003
One More Thing...
How does someone named Doolittle survive in politics? Doesn't that just give his opponent too much material to work with. And who would want him to co-sponsor a bill? Something called the Boucher-Doolittle bill does not sound like a good bill to me, and doesn't reflect well on Boucher.
I wanted to blog about something else today, but it's the weekend now and I don't feel like thinking. So here are some announcements.
I now have categories working fully (thanks to some help by Rachel Lucas), and I want to add a "Best of IMAO" section. I think I have a good idea of what were the popular posts, but I'd appreciate it if you have any suggestions - especially if they were posts from a while ago.
I'm getting a feeling people like the Rumsfeld posts. To be honest, I usually do those when I'm having trouble coming up with something to post about because they're really easy to write for. Well, to give people what they want but make sure I don't do them too much such that they get tiresome, Rumsfeld will be a once a week feature. Next one will be Wednesday (man, I got some great ideas; I can't wait...)
John Hawkins has named me an "Honorable Mention" on his best of blogs list. This reminded me there are a number of good blogs out there I haven't been reading and need to add to my blogroll. One is USS Clueless, whom I keep hearing good things about, but had never read because I found his post sizes too daunting (as soon as I saw them, my brain would shut down in protest). Frankly, my attention span is so bad I'd probably have trouble reading my own blog. Anyway, if there are any other glaring omissions from my blogroll, drop me a line. Also, if you have a blog and want a link exchange, don't be afraid to e-mail me.
See you all later, and thanks for the readership.
How We Can Lose
In response to us finding warheads, Saddam comes right back at us with some more crazy rhetoric. "The people of Baghdad have resolved to compel the Mongols of this age to commit suicide on its walls," Saddam announced to his people, but it’s hard to be impressed. North Korea has really raised the bar on loony war talk, and, in comparison, Saddam sounds like he's making rational commentary. But, since America is supposed to be the best at everything, why doesn't Bush ever come out and try and top them? He could call a press conference and announce, "Our enemies will be clubbed like baby seals by our righteous might, and the bones of their children will be ground into a protein powder and sold at a marked up price at GNC." Then again, it would different for us because we could actually do what we say, so I think it misses the point of crazy rhetoric.
Anyway, I was just wondering if, after we found those warheads, did we take them away or did we just leave them there so that he may fill them with bad things and eventually launch them at us? I know, I know, you're probably saying, "Who cares. We’ll kill them all no matter what they have." But we have to be careful about things like that because winning the war with Iraq isn't a done deal. Actually, there are a number of ways we could lose.
TOP TEN WAYS WE COULD ACTUALLY LOSE A WAR AGAINST IRAQ
10. When meaning to bomb air defenses in Baghdad, faulty map instead causes us to obliterate the Chinese embassy in Finland.
9. Saddam has one mustache to rule them all.
8. Due to confusion, we make love, not war.
7. God, having become a disillusioned loner, is drawn into a militant wing of Islam.
6. "Dude, where's my tank?"
5. Rip in space-time continuum causes us to be thrown into a universe where America isn't ridiculously more powerful than everyone else. (NOTE: I'm not actually sure physics would allow such a universe to exists.)
4. Like a bunch of Mongols, we are compelled to commit suicide on Baghdad’s walls.
3. On the day we're supposed to start the war, we like totally sleep in.
2. Every man, woman, child, and dog in the U.S. suddenly drops dead of a heart attack.
And, the number one way we could actually lose a war against Iraq…
War takes place in Saddam’s dreams.
January 16, 2003
Links of the Day
Blaster seem to think that the Iraqi's warhead excuse is a good one. That's why we have to hit them now before level heads prevail.
The lovely Rachel and the less lovely Laurence Simon chime in on the University of Michigan points system. I remember getting a big book of college scholarships when I was a kid and finding out I was excluded from more than half of them because of my race and gender. One hundred years later, and it's still "Irish need not apply."
Lynxx Pherrett has an extremely extensive report on the worldwide scope in the traffic of people, and it is quite an eye-opener.
Finally, Michele of A Small Victory has out her Required Reading of 2002, a collection of notable articles and posts from the past year. Go check it out.
Stupid Do Nothing Government
Yay! We found warheads! Kill them! Kill them now!
I don't hear any killing. I'll turn on the news...
Hmm, just some guy talking. No images of death. What are we waiting for? We have our excuse now. Come on! I work hard every day and pay tons in taxes, and all I want are dead Iraqis for it. Why won't you give me dead Iraqis?
How about a few dead North Koreans at least? Ones that die from starvation don't count. For pete's sake, kill someone!
Damn Dirty Democrats
There is this area in ANWR that is the most horrid and God-forsaken place in the world. It's like God was trying to design the world to be a beautiful place, but, when he got to this part of ANWR, He was like, "Ah, forsake it. It's the seventh day. I'm going to bed." Only the dumbest, smelliest, and most hated caribou ever go there. The only good thing about it is that it has oil there - oil that none of those reject caribou are using at all. It's only useful to us humans. And, I believe God once declared, "ANWR is most hated by Me. He who drills many holes in it will be most beloved among My children." That's why they GOP, who like good things for America, are once again pushing to drill for oil there. But, the Democrats, who love terrorism and hate American things like apple pie and shotguns, want to stop us from getting more oil. ANWR is a barren wasteland, and thus it reminds Democrats of their own hearts. They're more concerned about preserving it than about preserving America, but we need that oil to keep our SUV's fueled so that we way run over the heads of terrorists.
I know what you're probably saying, "We should banish all Democrats to the coldest moon of Neptune!" And, while that is the first most logical response, I think Democrats can be important to the future of America... but only if they're buried deep in the ground such that they become oil for future Americans.
Democrats will probably object to be buried in the ground, whining, "Don't bury me in the ground; that's mean spirited." But, in the end, they will have to do what we say since we have many many more guns. Then, after they are buried, they will be made oil by the earth's pressure just in time to help our children's children's children's clones' clones fight the damn dirty apes - apes that are evil, smelly, and mean to Charlton Heston, and thus much like the Democrats we battle today.
January 15, 2003
Links of the Day
Andrea Harris discusses the increased role of female characters in the Lord of the Rings movies. I'm still getting through the first book, so I'll reserve my judgment.
Say happy birthday to your Emperor. Hopefully the old man won't get overly excited during his next fisking and break a hip.
Military Death Machines
I read this article about the development of military robots, and it got me thinking about how cool it would be to design these kill-bots. Well, I assure you, one day, not too far in the future, we'll have robots storming through primitive villages, destroying everything with buzz saws and giant hammers like larger versions of those battlebots that fight each other. To finish off our enemies, we can have one with glowing red eyes and gattling guns for each arm. For the human soldiers, war will just mean drinking a beer while watching the carnage on TV, every once in a while flipping back and forth between it and a football game. And, with no more human cost of war (well, I mean, other than the enemy, heh heh), we'll probably be deploying them just as soon as some other country looks at us funny.
Sure, they'll probably be protestors saying how kill-bots are bad, but that's why we'll make anti-peacenik bots that can fling protesters hundreds of feet in the air. This will also alert people if protestors areblocking traffic, because you'll see a bunch of people flying through the air ahead of you.
As any science fiction will tell you, inevitably the robots will turn against us and try to kill all humans, thus locking us in an epic struggle of man versus machine. But, until then, it'll be a wild ride.
In My World: Rumsfeld Wants Talks with North Korean Leader
The White House softened its tone on North Korea by hinting that a sweeter energy and food deal may be had in exchange for disarmament, but Pyongyang hasn't let up on its militaristic tone toward Washington, threatening the U.S. with undefined "options."
"Unless that option is to starve to death while we watch and laugh, I'm not sure what they're talking about," Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld said at a press conference. "Frankly, I'm getting tired of these retarded Commies. I keep trying to concentrate on the demise of the Iraqis, and then North Korea interrupts my train of thought by screaming, 'Kill us! Kill us horribly!'"
Surprisingly, Rumsfeld agreed with the idea of opening up talks with North Korea. "I think it’s a great idea. We should have talks immediately and see if we can get Kim Jong Il himself to attend. Then, as soon as we meet, I can strangle that freak myself while Condoleeza takes care of any guards." Rumsfeld savored the thought for a moment. "As soon as I saw that reject with his puffed-up hair, I always said there was nothing I wanted more than to squeeze his neck until he is dead. Remember when I told you that?"
Most of the press in attendance nodded.
"Well, if Kim Jong Il finds out about my new plans, I'll know who ratted me out," Rumsfeld told the reporters threateningly.
When asked of whether murdering the leader of the North Koreans was the best course of action, Rumsfeld responded indignantly, "Are you questioning me?"
The reporter shook his head and shrinked away from the podium.
"What do you say to reports that you are mentally unstable?" asked a reporter that was new to these press conferences.
"I'm sorry," Rumsfeld said, "I'm getting hard of hearing in my old age. Did you say something about wanting to be stabbed repeatedly in the neck with a ball point pen?"
Rumsfeld looked ready for violence, but then calmed down. "My doctor says killing reporters is bad for my heart. He also had the gall to tell me to stop eating my steaks raw and instead cook them to at least medium rare like I'm some sort of fruit. I thought about giving him a good throttling, but I don't know if my health insurance covers that. Anyway, one more question."
The revered Helen Thomas then stood up and asked, "Where am I? Has someone seen my pills?"
Rumsfeld then frantically searched under his jacket where he usually kept his luger, but eventually gave up and announced, "This press conference is over." He then punched the reporter nearest and left.
A North Korean diplomat immediately responded to Rumsfeld's statements, saying, "The super might of our country will knock the flying fortress of our enemy beneath the sea using the magic winds of our flutes." He went on a while longer, but, by all accounts, the rest of his statement was just random words strung together in imitation of sentences. The same diplomat was later found strangled to death, seemingly another victim of the serial killer known as the "Rumsfeld Strangler." He apparently only kills foreign diplomats and gets his name from his calling card he leaves on each body: the statement "I'm Donald Rumsfeld. I strangled this guy." on a piece of the Defense Secretary's official stationary that is signed by Donald Rumsfeld and stamped by a notary public. D.C. police are baffled.
January 14, 2003
Links of the Day
I'm trying to figure out MT and add categories to my site. Right now, I have a page of all the "In My World" posts, since those seem pretty popular.
John Hawkins has stirred up the crazies by daring to link to them.
Apparently today is a blogging lovefest day, and Blaster (Plenty + More = Enough) has written a dedication to me.
In the interest of blogging lovefest day, I would like to say a few words about Spoons from The Spoons Experience, since he is hanging up his keyboard today. He's always had some interesting takes on the issues of the day, and, beyond that, always provided a number of unique links I wouldn't have found if it weren't for his blog (heh heh; spoon guard). I'm sad to see him go, and wish him luck in his future endeavors.
"But I Want to Go Home! Let's Just Let All the Murderers Go."
Posted by Frank J. at 06:42 PM | All the Murderers Go."&Body=http://www.imao.us/archives/000424.html">Email This
I've always thought one of the main purposes of government is to make bad people dead, and that's why I thought I should comment on George Ryan's blanket commutation of murderers' death sentences in Illinois. Reportedly, while trying to decide whom he should take off death row, he finally just gave up and said, "I can't play God." Was the rest of that statement, "...or any other role that involves a mild amount of responsibility." If I get this right, instead of at least looking through the cases and leaving the most vile murderers on death row, the ones of whom there wasn't even a dispute of guilt, he just shrugged his shoulders and exclaimed, "This is too hard. Let's give up." Right after his decision to slack off and let everyone go, Ryan remarked, "I'm going to sleep well tonight knowing I made the right decision." That's probably because he has guards around his home and an anti-murderer alarm system. The rest of us aren't so lucky. Maybe we have guns, but they can't shoot murderers while we're sleeping (note to self: design gun that can shoot murderers while one is sleeping; must have silencer). I just hope the next governor, the once with the unpronounceable name that I won't even attempt to spell (I tried copying and pasting from a news article, but, by the time I went to paste, the computer forgot how to spell it), won't be as big a jackass. Then again, he is a Democrat.
Can't Wait to Get Our Hands on That Sweet Sweet Oil!
The U.S. is deploying more troops to the Gulf, including 6,000 to 7,000 Marines. This makes it look like war is pretty inevitable, because you just know the Marines are going to spot some Iraqis and exclaim excitedly, "Can we kill them? Can we kill them?" And then their commander has to tell them in a somber voice, "No, I'm afraid you can't kill them yet." But the Marines will give him this sad, puppy dog look, and you know eventually that commander is going to cave in (could you have the heart to tell a U.S. Marine he can't kill someone?).
Unfortunately, we're waiting on Hans Blix, the U.N. weapons inspector and cartoon space monkey. He seems to think that there is actually some circumstance where we wouldn't want to have war with Iraq, and thus he is actually waiting for evidence. Why didn't we just promise him a few barrels of sweet sweet Iraqi oil in exchange for a rubber stamp?
I have an idea. Cheney doesn't seem to be up to very much lately, so why doesn't he put on some glasses and impersonate Hans Blix. He could at first act all buddy-like with Saddam, but then later tell the press, "Goody goody!" (that's Hans Blix's catch phrase) "Everytime I turn around I see nothing but weapons of mass destruction! Whatever shall I do?" To then further convince everyone, he can then do the Hans Blix dance that Blix is always doing when he is excited (it's hard to describe, but I'm sure Cheney has intelligence photos of it available to him).
Saddam will probably be really surprised and say, "What are you talking about? My weapons of mass destruction were too well hidden for you to find!"
Inevitably, Hans Blix will come stumbling out exclaiming, "Some one hit me on the noggin and stole me chocolates!"
Saddam will then turn to Cheney and yell, "You tricked me, you Yankee, imperialist pig-dog!"
It will be too late then. Marines will already be storming Iraq killing people left and right and strapping barrels of oil to their backs to carry away. Saddam will probably pull out a gun and shoot Cheney, who will just stand there laughing as bullets bounce off his chest (Dick Cheney is bulletproof). Cheney can then strangle Saddam using his cybernetic strength and escape with his jetpack.
Another option to get the war moving that doesn't involve giving Hans Blix a concussion is to plant evidence. After yet another day of Saddam pulling the wool over the eyes of inspectors, he'll probably invite them to one of his palaces to show there are no hard feelings. Then, just as he opens the doors to his palace, everyone will spot a nuclear bomb sitting right there is the lobby.
"Whaa!?" Saddam will probably exclaim.
"Goody goody! What a large nuclear weapon. I must tell the U.N.!" Hans Blix will say before scampering off.
"But there has been some mistake! That's not where I keep my nuclear weapons!" Saddam will plead, but the American planes especially designed for stealing oil will already be flying overhead.
"Damn you, you Yankee, imperialist pig-dogs!" Saddam will yell into the air, "You haven't seen the last of me!" But we will have, because just then a sniper bullet will explode his head because it will be one of this special head-exploding rounds U.S. intelligence sometimes uses when, for the purpose of gaining an advantage in negotiations, we need to make it look like one of our diplomats is a Scanner.
Some of this post is based on conjecture.
January 13, 2003
Links of the Day
Rachel Lucas has some links to some great gun t-shirts. Can't wait until she has the modeling photos.
Tim Blair goes a different route on his gun name ideas. He has a point; I believe on that arbitrary the list of things of which a gun can't have more than two of or it's an assault rifle, one is a cool name.
My arch-nemesis Scott Ott announces that the circle of Democratic presidential candidates is now complete.
Mean Mr. Mustard has a new photo round-up.
Finally, the Iraqis are trying to bring down The Sound and Fury! The dastards! I'm sure Rumsfeld would kill them all if he could. And whatever happened to Max Power? Did the Iraqis get him too?
Just when you thought North Korea couldn't get any more insane, they start saying things like, "If the United States evades its responsibility and challenges us, we'll turn the citadel of imperialists into a sea of fire." What the hell are they talking about? And then, at a rally the government says it will "smash U.S. nuclear maniacs" in a "holy war." I thought Commies were atheists; I guess that's just how loony they are now that they can't even keep their own views straight. My first response to all this was to think that, due to sanctions, they're only able to get some really back crack into that country, but I then had an epiphany. Life is terrible in North Korea, and there is no freedom and no food. They probably just can't take it anymore and thus are trying to do what 's referred to as "suicide by cop." They want to antagonize us so much that we wipe them out, thus ending their misery of starvation and being ruled by the Pee-Wee Herman of dictators. Well, America is no charity, and we're not just going to nuke someone because they want it. If they were smart, instead of spending all their money on trying to make nukes, they could have just bought some cyanide laced Kool-Aid. Sheesh.
January 12, 2003
I think designing firearms would be an awesome job to have. Almost as fun would be coming up with cool names for said firearms. I love the double entendre names for guns that mean one thing by themselves, but something entirely different when applied to a firearm. Name like Peacemaker, Persuader, Liberator, and Defender. Here are a few of my own firearms name I came up with and what I think the gun would be.
1. The Problem Solver - All purpose assault rifle with scope and grenade launcher attachment.
If you have any more ideas, put them in the comments section.
January 10, 2003
World War III: The Search for Spock
North Korea is saying that any actions against it "would lead to the Third World War." I have to admit, that's actually a good idea they have. I'm tired of all these little conflicts with pissant nations, and it would nice to take out all of our enemies in one big fight. I guess the big question is what would we subtitle it? The first one was just called The World War and the second was World War II: The Germans Strike Back, but I'm not sure what we'll call this one. Maybe it could be World War III: America Finally Got Fed Up With All You Jackasses, but that's a little too long.
Well, the subtitle can wait; lets' look who the major players are. Now, as I see it, the main character is America, and Israel will be our intrepid sidekick. Europe will be like the stubborn police captain who is always yelling at us and keeping us from doing our job. Canada will be the comic relief.
As for enemies, there will be North Korea and Iraq, of course. I assume that almost all the Middle East will rally against us (they're going to have to, or audiences just aren’t going to buy the conflict). China will be the main bad guy and the final battle. I also assume there will be some betrayals on the European side, like Germany could suddenly resume their evil ways (I don't know how big of a surprise that will be). I'm not sure what side France will come down on; I assume they will surrender first just to be safe and then pick which side they ally with so they know who to surrender to. I really hope they decide to be our ally, because God knows I don't want to occupy them.
Still, there needs to be some sort of plot twist where we can't use our nukes; otherwise we'll struggle to have a runtime of any 90 minutes. Maybe China has been making a secret space laser or something.
On a side note, I assume that when we win we'll get all of the Middle East's oil and all of China's pandas, but does North Korea have anything we want? I guess we can just take their nukes to make ourselves that much more nukey.
January 09, 2003
Links of the Day... and Poetry!
Here's a poem that's been making it rounds on the blogosphere:
CAUSA BELLI by Andrew Motion
It was penned by some British poet laureate, and everyone who's anyone is making a parody. Tim Blair was probably first, but Emperor Misha has one too, as does AcidMan, and Laurence Simon. Michele has made making one a initiation rite into her prestigious Club Katana, so here is my attempt:
CAUSA I SAID SO by Frank J.
UPDATE: I was going to update with more poetry links, but it's easier to just link again to Tim Blair who has the most complete list.
In My World: Sen. Murray Defends Bin Laden Comments and Calls for Death of America
Outrage followed Sen. Patty Murray's remarks in which she praised Osama bin Laden by saying:
"He's been out in these countries for decades building schools, building roads, building infrastructure, building day care facilities, building health care facilities and people are extremely grateful. He's made their lives better. We have not done that."
Sen. Murray has now defended her remarks, accusing people of twisting her words and stating that injustices like that is exactly why she now supports Osama bin Laden's goal of destroying America.
"There wouldn't be so much controversy if it weren't for the Zionist controlled media," Sen. Murray told reporters as she fiddled with what looked like a bomb. "Soon they and all the Crusaders will taste the just wrath of Osama bin Laden... as soon as he is done building The Terror Tots daycare center and filling in the potholes on Suicide Bomber Blvd.” She then concluded with a shout of “Death to America!" and ululated for a minute straight, impressing the press in attendance.
Sen. Patty Murray had previously tried to destroy America only by supporting liberal policies, but now she vows more direct means such as violent acts of terrorism. If you see Sen. Murray, consider her armed, dangerous, and unapologetic. Do not approach her, but instead contact the FBI.
But We're Angry Now
Britain wants us to wait until Autumn for war with Iraq. Those crumpet-eating pansies! Why don't we just wait until the problem is taken care of by the earth being swallowed by the sun? This is why I've always been against having allies; inevitably, allies to America will be other countries than America, and thus cowardly whiners. We should never have started the U.N.; that just gave countries the idea they can have opinions contrary to our own.
What happens while we are waiting? Maybe someone else will have war with Iraq and then we'll lose our chance. Then whom will we wreak our unholy vengeance upon? Iran? Sure, it's only a one-letter difference, but it's just not the same.
More, likely, while we're waiting, Saddam will finish hollowing out a volcano and thus be well on his way to full-fledged supervillainy. He'll probably even make a weather-controlling laser. Then, when in September London is being torn apart by tornados, we can just be like, "We'd love to help, but, technically, fall isn't for a few more days, and we don't want to break our word."
But, we can't just sit here and wait. I guess that means we have to convince our allies to attack now. So how do we do that? I know what you're saying: bomb the crap out of them. But, the first rule of diplomacy is "You can't bomb your allies." Yeah, I don't understand the reasoning either, but it's just one of those universally agreed upon rules. Instead, diplomacy only allows us to talk to them. So I guess the answer is threats of bombing.
January 08, 2003
Links of the Day
I said earlier that I was confused by what Saddam meant when he said he would fight to the last drop of blood, but Charles Austin has a different interpretation.
Emperor Misha gives some well deserved kudos to President Bush. Our president may not be Donald Rumsfeld, but he still kicks ass sometimes.
My arch-nemesis Scott Ott reports on Lieberman's choice for a running mate. Does the VP get to be president if he murders him himself?
Finally, go check out the Carnival of the Vanitites if you haven't already. This week it's hosted by The Eleven Day Empire. Next week, it will be hosted by Greeblie. He has a link to me, so he must be a great blogger.
"I Will Fight to the Last Ionized Particle!"
The Drudge Report is reporting that Iraq has released a statement saying that Saddam will not leave and country and will "fight to the last drop of blood." It's hard to understand what he means, though, as current munitions in use by the U.S. military would actually reduce Saddam to a fine red mist, not leaving any "drops" whatsoever.
In My World: North Koreans Say that Sactions Will Mean They Will Commit a Violent Suicide
North Koreas had upped their rhetoric, saying that sanctions against them would mean war. This immediately caused Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfled to inquire, "What kind of crack are they smoking."
"I know their leader Kim Jong Il is some sort of nut, but even the insane show a pain avoidance response. Does he not understand the violence we will perpetrate against him and his people if they even look like they may attack us? We will kill them all in such a cruel and painful manner that even I will feel sorry for the dumb, Commie bastards. That doesn't mean I won't laugh as it happens, though."
When asked to clarify if America had anything to fear from a war with North Korea, Rumsfeld said that "the only thing to fear from them is that their radioactive, ashen remains are somehow blown over to the American mainland."
On whether there was a worry that a conflict with North Korea would be impossible while engaging Iraq, Rumsfeld stated, "We are capable of fighting two major regional conflicts. We're capable of winning decisively in one and swiftly defeating in the case of the other, and let there be no doubt about it."
Asked whether this belligerent attitude may turn off our European allies, Rumsfeld responded, "Let me restate that: we're capable of winning decisively in one and swiftly defeating in the case of the other while still having enough manpower left over to slap around a bunch of whiny bitches." He then added sarcastically, "But don't take that as a suggestion of war. I'm just stating the facts."
"All I'm saying," he continued more seriously, "is that if you wake up one morning to find the Iraqi deserts stained red with blood while at the same time North Korea is nothing but a smoldering ruin and then you turn on the TV to find German Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder dancing for our amusement at gunpoint, don't act all surprised."
When repeatedly questioned whether America really did have the military capabilities to engage Iraq and North Korea at the same time, Rumsfeld initially looked supremely angry at not being immediately believed, but then he seemed to calm down and said, "I assure you we can do two things at once. As demonstration of that, I will not rub my stomach and shoot reporters at the same time."
By the time he had drawn his luger, the press had already cleared the room.
January 07, 2003
Links of the Day
Rachel Lucas has a psychological analysis of Michael Moore. I have to admit it: I found the movie Canadian Bacon funny. Does that make me evil to enjoy that piece of crap's work?
Laurence Simon spots a beautiful thing.
Initially I said I wouldn't link to Instapundit in my Links of the Day, as any traffic I might send his way would be like a few drops of water to the Pacific Ocean, but I enjoyed him ripping apart an article based just on its title so much that I had to point it out.
Typing is Verboten!
A lot of us are pissed at Michael Moore for his new idotic and racist statements, but few would dispute his right to say it (thought some may be perturbed by the illegality of beating the crap out of him for it). Ones who might not allow Moore speaking are the Germans. They are trying to prosecute a man for a post on the internet that allegedly glorifies the 9-11 attacks. Maybe he is an idiot and deserves a Clue Bat to the head, but three years in prison for one statement he wrote on the internet? You think the Germans would have learned their lesson after we kicked their ass for being Nazis, but apparently not. Just goes to show you once again that, if you want to live in the land of the free, some European country ain't going to cut it. America is your one and only choice. Apparently, a nation can only truly understand freedom if it gets its start by shooting a bunch of Redcoats with muskets.
Banning Toy Guns - The Last Bastion of Anti-Gun Retards
The Democrats in New York's City Council are now moving to ban all toy guns, realistic looking or not. They say you can spray paint an unrealistic gun and then get yourself shot by police, and that, they also say, is a bad thing. One case they mention in favor of this ban was how a 17-year-old got himself killed after pointing a toy gun at the head of a police officer in an attempted mugging. Maybe I just don't think like other people, but instead of my first reaction to that story being “We must ban toy guns immediately to prevent such tragedy” it’s “Dumbass! Good thing he killed himself off."
Who will be most affected by this ban? It's The Children, that's who. Boys love nothing more than to pretend to shoot each other, but, being denied toy guns to play with, they'll have no choice but to become flaming homosexuals. But children's feelings can be dismissed in legislative decisions because they can't vote. That's because most people believe that, if children are left to their own resources, they'll do nothing but stick their fingers in electrical outlets and drink Drano. I, on the other hand, think children can have some political clout. They need to realize that, if first the government is allowed to ban toy guns, nothing prevents videogames or Barbie from being banned as well. So, children need to use a Democratic debating technique that they actually invented: the nagging whine.
"Mommy! I don't want there to be Democrats in office!" a child can scream and then pound the floor with his fists. Eventually, the parent will have no choice but to vote out all the Democrats. Otherwise, the federal penitentiary will fill up with eight year olds found in illegal possession of squirt guns, which, I guess, will also end the nagging.
January 06, 2003
Space Belongs to Capitalists
While everyone is distracted by the little Commie evil, North Korea, the big Commie evil, China, is making plans to get their grubby hands on outerspace. We can't let that stand; if we don't stop them now, our orbit will soon be infested with Commie space ninjas chopping away at our precious satellites with their space swords. They even have plans to go the moon. That's ours!
If I remember my history right (and I never do), back in the long long ago, the Russian Commies tried to impress us with how good their kidnapped German scientists are by putting a beeping object in space. All that outer space was to them, though, was an extravagant way to cruelly kill dogs, so we knew we had to show them up. Thus, we immediately sent people to the moon and acted like it was nothing. If I recall correctly, they just ended one newscast with, "By the way, Americans landed on the moon today... not that that's too surprising since we are America and not a bunch of goddamn Commies." The rivalry between the Americans and Russians is why there's that famous photo of Buzz Aldrin standing on the moon holding up a sign saying, "Bite me, you Commie bastards!"
And, as prophesized in the Bible (I believe one of the Psalms), the country that first landed on the moon wins God's favor and dominion over the entire universe. By bringing back magic moon rocks, we protected ourselves during the Cold War. But, if a Commie were ever to set foot on the moon, we would instantly fall from God's graces and be plagued with boils, have our seas turn red as blood, and a hail of trial lawyers will fall from the sky.
That's why I assume we have some sort of plan to shoot the Chi-Coms out of the sky (the space?). If we're worried and getting whined at by the Euro-weenies, we can just say Russia did it. Those guys have been pretty screwy since they went non-Commie, so I think people will buy it.
January 05, 2003
Movie Review: The Hunted
Why hadn't I heard of this move before? The Hunted (1995) is all about ninja fighting samurai. I'm not sure if it had a great plot or good acting, because I was too distracted by all the cool ninjas fighting the awesome samurai. They were throwing ninja stars at him, and he knocks them away with his katana and then chops up the evil ninjas.
That what I watch movies for.
Technically, the movie stars Christopher Lambert as a man on a short business trip to Japan who accidentally finds himself in the middle of a conflict between ninjas and samurai. He then spends pretty much the whole movie trying to stay out of the way of the aforementioned ninjas and the samurai until the very end when he fights the head ninja. He only has three weeks training with a sword, but there's a twist to the fight that makes it somewhat realistic that he could win.
Unlike lots of cheesy 80's ninja films, this movie tries to be accurate about the fighting styles and customs of the ninjas and the samurai. And why not; it was written and directed by the scribe of Pretty Woman. I haven't seen that movie yet, but I can't wait to now. It must be full of ninja/samurai action (and, I assume, some sort of attractive woman). Four stars.
January 03, 2003
Links of the Day
Kim du Toit, unlike me, will not call Democrats childish names.
Alex Knapp wishes J.R.R. Tolkein a happy eleventy-first birthday (I just started reading the books over the holidays, so I get why that is significant).
Joshua Martin celebrates that Christianity is on the rise world wide. Everyone loves Christians.
I had never heard of the Bloggies before, but I have decided I want one. Go and nominate me.
RoboDonk: Part Democrat. Part Machine. All Jackass. The Future of Mindless Commentary
Bush hasn't even said what his economic plan is, and Democrats are already describing it as just a tax cut for the rich. That seems kind of silly, but I believe it shows good thinking on their part. They've never failed to label any Republican tax cut proposal as a "tax cut for the rich," so why even wait for the details anymore.
That got me thinking (if anything, I'm a thinker): they have a lot of those type phrases they consistently use in response to whatever Republicans do. There is a good reason for that, since the average Democrat isn't the brightest chap and needs a simple concept to grasp on to.
Democratic Leader (pausing momentarily from sipping his martini): "It's just a tax cut for the rich."
But, if Democrats always use the same response to certain stimuli (like mention of tax cuts or social security reform), that sounds like the perfect thing to automate. I think I could build a robotic Democrat (must... resist... obvious Gore joke...) that could perform the same function as any Democratic politician on a talk show. All I would have to do is take a manequin that could be made to sit up in a chair and then insert a microphone, speaker, and a simple computer system running voice recognition software. It will scan the speech of the Republican he's it's supposed to be debating, and then start repeating in a loop its standard response.
Stimulus: "tax cut"
Stimulus: "social security"
Stimulus: "affirmative action"
If no recognized stimuli are found, a number of universal responses can be used such as "Republicans are mean-spirited!" or it can just emit some sort of high-pitched, incomprehensible whine.
Once I've produced a prototype, I can then pitch it to news organizations as a replacement for getting an actual Democrat politician on their show. This will remove all the costs associated with having to book Democrats on their programs and allow them to immediately have a Democratic response to any major issue. I think I could make a bundle.
To be honest, I got the idea when I recalled the debate of Al Gore vs. Dan Quayle back in 1992. When the subject of abortion came up, Al Gore just kept repeating “Don’t you support a woman’s right to choose?” over and over as Quayle tried to speak (can’t… resist… Gore robot joke… any longer…).
Oh man, I just realized that, while I thought I was describing this great new product idea, all I was doing was describing Al Gore.
We Concede That You're a Jackass
South Korea seems to think that both North Korea and the U.S. need to make concessions. I know what you're thinking - "What!? They even suggest we make concessions to nuclear weilding dimwits! Let's murder them all!" - but don't be so hasty. Remember, South Korea animates The Simpsons, and thus they control a resource even more important than oil. That's why we at least have to humor them. Here are my ideas for concessions that each side can make:
NORTH KOREAN CONCESSIONS
January 02, 2003
Links of the Day
My new years resolution is to do more blogging and keep up my links of the day. Rachel Lucas has a much more extensive list of resolutions.
How can you criticize Frist for helping injured people at the scene of an accident? John Hawkins trudges through the Democratic Underground so you don't have to in search of that answer. That gives me a marketing idea; would anyone be interested in buying Democratic Underground brand mixed nuts, because I know when people think nuts they think Democratic Underground.
Spooooons has what I think is a parody.
Andrea Harris has left.
Finally, Camille notices something interesting about today's date.
We're Too Powerful to Give a Rat's Ass
Lately, North Korea has been doing everything except explicitly begging us to bomb the crap out of them. They're this silly little country and they're actually trying to threaten us with nukes. That seems to me to be something we can't let stand with out a response involving excessive explosives (I still stand by my suggestion in an earlier post), but, so far, the Bush administration doesn't seem to be talking about a military response at all (except for Rumsfeld, but he's too kick-ass to be expected to not threaten violence against America's enemies). Not immediately obliterating North Korea seems like a mistake to me, but then I got to thinking: sure, crushing an enemy like a bug is an expression of our righteous power, but so is being able to ignore a nuclear threat. North Korea is just a little child who wants attention, and it's cool that they can start talking big about nukes and we can be like, "Feh."
North Korea: "We don't have to obey your treaties! We will destroy you imperialistic..."
America: "Hey, Skippy, we're busy with Iraq right now. Why don't you just sit there quietly, and we'll be all 'threatened' by you later."
North Korea: "But we really have nuclear missiles and we will..."
America: "You keep it up, and then we won't deal with you until after Iran."
Frank Test for Terrorists
I had to travel by plane over the holidays, and that got me thinking about what are some actually effective ways to prevent terrorists from getting on board. Why not, instead of bothering me about my trusty pocketknife, they try to psychologically screen for terrorists using a short quiz.
Here is what I came up with:
QUESTION 1: What is your name?
Non-terrorists have names like Larry, John, or SpongeBob. If the person answers with "Mohammed" or the nickname "The Engineer," he's probably a terrorist.
Terrorists will not be able to help themselves from completing the sentence with the word "kill". Non-terrorist foreigners will fill the blank in with "thank", "hug", or "kneel down before".
Non-terrorists will probably become confused by this question and leave it blank since they would need to know more information about the problem before being able to assign blame. Terrorists will instinctively fill in the blank with "JEWS!!!" or "jooooos!".
Most non-terrorist Americans’ knowledge about the Crusades will come exclusively from the beginning of the movie Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves (or Robin Hood: Men in Tights), so one should be wary of any answer that doesn't mention Kevin Costner. Even if the person does know something about the Crusades, he or she will probably not have much of an opinion about it as it seems as relevant to modern life as the battle between Thag and Zork in 30,000 B.C. over who got to next paint a buffalo on the cave wall. Only dirty terrorists care about the Crusades.
The terrorist answer to all of these is D.
Happy New Year!
It's a new year, and I'm back and smarter than ever! Unfortunately, I didn't read much news over the holiday, so I have some catching up to do. I see that Trent Lott stepped aside and now Frist will be the Majority Leader (he was, incidentally, first on my list), so has that finally gotten that distraction out of the news cycle? Also, it seems that poor, suicidal North Korea is begging to get blown up more than ever. I think we really need to bomb them just to enforce the fact that you can't talk to America like that and not be made dead. Now, I assume that during my news black out we finally went and handled the Iraq problem... holy crap! It's still there! What gives? And, apparently, Canada is flooding us with terrorists; now that's a third country we'll have to have war with. Can't turn my back for a second...
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