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October 31, 2003
Posted by Frank J. at 07:58 PM | Email This

My computer is back up with Windows XP, but I lost a lot of important files (including all my e-mails) because I'm dumb. Hopefully it won't crash every few minutes at least...

BTW, that means if you sent me a picture for the Peace Gallery that wasn't posted yet, I don't have it anymore and you'll need to resend it. Excuse me while I go pound my head against the wall in memory of all my lost files.

Rating: 2.4/5 (29 votes cast)

Comments (38)
Sorry, Me Busy
Posted by Frank J. at 11:01 AM | Email This

I'm quite busy with other pursuits (rewriting my novel, working on the next shirt idea, and possibly reformatting my computer), so there will be no new post today. Instead, I'll tap dance for you.

Tappity Tappity tap tap tap...

I forgot to link to the Carnival earlier, so check that out for more bloggy goodness. Also, Blackfive has a great story that doesn't involve him for a change.

See y'all later.

Rating: 2.0/5 (21 votes cast)

Comments (15)
October 30, 2003
Did Arnold Take My Advice?
Posted by Frank J. at 08:42 AM | Email This

I just looked back at this post from earlier this month, and realized that the last item isn't that funny anymore.

Rating: 2.3/5 (21 votes cast)

Comments (18)
The Bill Clinton Presidency (Based on a True Story)
Posted by Frank J. at 08:24 AM | Email This

I heard about how a bunch of liberals have this movie about Reagan's presidency coming out where they make stuff up, so, I was thinking, why don't I write the script for a fair and balanced movie about Bill Clinton's presidency where I just do a little extrapolation about things I don't know about for sure. Here are some excerpts of what I have so far:

BILL CLINTON: Master Satan! I need your help to become president and thus allow Hillary and I to fulfill our naked ambition for power.

SATAN: Yes, your presidency could spread great evil. Maybe I can convince an insane billionaire to enter the race and ensure your victory. I will just take your soul in exchange.

BILL: Okey-dokey.

BILL (v.o.): I hope he doesn't remember I already sold my soul to him two years ago for a Big Mac and fries.

. . .

HILLARY CLINTON: Now that the presidency is mine, we must begin our spread of evil!

AL GORE: I am Al Gore.

BILL: I just can't find an Attorney General. The first two have dropped out and I'm out of any good women to fill that position with. Hmm. Hey, Earl Reno, do you want to be Attorney General?

EARL: Sure.

BILL: Then put on this blue dress and change your first name to Janet.

. . .

VINCE FOSTER: Why don't you go f**k yourself, Hillary.

BILL: Hillary, you really gonna let him get away with that? You gonna let this f**kin' punk get away with that? What's the matter with you? What's the world coming to?

Hillary proceeds to pull out a gun and shoot Vince.

HILLARY: That's what the f**k the world's coming to. How you like that?

BILL: What is the matter with you, huh? What is the f**king matter with you? What are you, a f**king sick maniac or something? Hillary, I'm kidding with you.

HILLARY: Kidding? How am I meant to know you're kidding? You're breaking my f**king balls.

BILL: I'm f**king kidding with you, you f**king shoot the guy?

AL GORE: He's dead.

BILL: You dumb bastard, I can't f**king believe you. You're gonna dig the hole.

HILLARY: Fine, I'll dig the f**king hole. I don't give a f**k. What is it, the first hole I dug? First time I dug a hole, I'll dig a f**kin' hole. Now, where are the shovels?

. . .

HILLARY: If I can get my health care plan passed, it will destroy our hospitals and millions will die. Muh ha ha ha!

BILL: It's too bad those do-gooder Republicans are trying to stop us and protect the interests of America.

HILLARY: No one can stop us! Now go have fun with your interns while I work on my lesbian conspiracies.

. . .

BILL: I can't believe the Republicans have taken control of the Congress and Senate! Now we'll never be able to destroy the economy now that those do-gooders have power.

HILLARY: If we work at it, we can eventually cause an economic downturn... just in time for a Republican to be president. Muh ha ha ha!

. . .

BILL: How long do you think this middle east peace will last?

JAMES CARVILLE: Just long enough for you to get a photo-op of Arafat and Rabin shaking hands before you run the hell out of there.

BILL: Good enough.

. . .

OSAMA BIN LADEN: I will kill all you imperialist Americans!

BILL: How about you hold off on any major attacks until after my presidency and I give you this big box of porn.

Osama thinks it over.

OSAMA: Deal!

BILL CLINTON (v.o.): Will the American people realize what a sacrifice that was for me? Maybe it wasn't my biggest box of porn, but it was one of my favorites.

I only have gotten his first four years done so far. I just hope I've accurately portrayed the subtle nuances of Bill and Hillary Clinton.

Rating: 2.3/5 (24 votes cast)

Comments (29)
October 29, 2003
In My World: Die, Leakers, Die
Posted by Frank J. at 08:45 AM | Email This

"According to this leaked memo," the anchorwoman announced, "Rumsfeld is about to purchase a quart of milk, bananas, and a gallon of whiskey."

"That's my shopping list!" Rumsfeld screamed as he picked up the T.V. and smashed it on the ground. Chomps, the world's angriest dog, then eagerly attacked the broken pieces. "Who is leaking my memos?"

Rumsfeld thought for a moment. "I have two options to end the leaks: find the leaker, or murder all reporters."

"Grrrrah!" Chomps growled, snapping at the air angrily.

"No," Rumsfeld answered, "Killing all reporters will take too long. We'll need to find that leaker and kill anyone who stands in our way. To the Buick!"

* * * *

Senator Daschle went flying out the front door of the Capitol building with Chomps running to fetch him. Rumsfeld then emerged holding up Senator Leahy by the neck.

"I don’t know anything! I swear!" Leahy cried, "I'm a member of Congress, for Christ's sake; I couldn’t find my ass with two hands and a flashlight!"

"Who is the leaker?" Rumsfeld demanded.

"I don't know! All I know is that I'm supposed to keep minorities from becoming judges! That's it!"

Rumsfeld dropped Leahy to the ground. "If I ever find out any different, I'll be back... and I'll kill you and all your constituency!"

The press then swarmed around Rumsfeld. "According to a recent leaked memo," said one reporter, "Are you now admitting the war on terror is a failure?"

"I will answer that by strangling you to death," Rumsfeld responded, "Rarr!" He then grabbed the reporter by the neck. After a while, he dropped the reporter. "Any follow up questions?"

The reporter didn't move.

Rumsfeld smiled smugly. "That's what I thought."

"Melinda Hawkish, Fox News," Melinda announced herself, "People are now concerned that we won't be waging the war on terror with the violence it deserves. Can you assuage their fears?"

Rumsfeld stared into the camera. "The terrorists will die! And who is leaking the memo will die! And whoever stands in my way will die! Murder, death, kill... remember those words!"

Rumsfeld then noticed a reporter holding a piece of paper and quickly snatched it. "That the short story I wrote about a girl coming of age," he exclaimed, "That was personal!" He gave it to Chomps to smell. "Find and kill who's touched it!"

Chomps immediately started savagely attacking the reporter. "I already know he handled it," Rumsfeld said, rolling his eyes.

* * * *

Bush watched as his office door was ripped off and then chewed to pieces.

"Hey!" Bush complained, "Your dog done ate my door!"

"We traced the leaks of my memos back to the Whitehouse," Rumsfeld responded as Chomps finished consuming the door.

"Well I didn't have anything to do with it," Bush said, "I never even see your memos. I have some aides summarize all memos sent to me. Then I have another aide summarize all those summaries together. And then I don't read that."

"So where does my memos go?"

"Over there." Bush pointed to a wastebasket. It was clearly labeled "Dispose of internal Rumsfeld memos here. DO NOT RAID".

Rumsfeld checked inside to find it empty. "Looks like it's been raided."

"Maybe we need to make the sign bigger," Bush suggested.

"Rarr!" Rumsfeld yelled as he kicked the wastebasket. Chomps then tore it apart.

"You need to learn to chill like me, Rummy," Bush said.

A voice then came over his speakerphone. "We have a situation that could lead to nuclear war! Mr. President, you need to..."

"I'll get to it later," Bush answered, "I'm busy now." He went back to playing his Gameboy.

"The leaker is near," Rumsfeld told Chomps, his hands tensing in preparation for a strangling, "I can feel it."

As they left the office, Chomps's ears perked up. "You hear something, boy?" Rumsfeld followed Chomps until he could hear it too.

"Rumsfeld memos! Get your internal Rumsfeld memos!"

Rumsfeld and Chomps made their way outside until they spotted a booth labeled "Rumsfeld Memos" manned by Bush's two daughters, Barbara and Jenna.

"I'll take a memo," said a reporter, walking up to the booth.

"It now comes with a free bullet," Rumsfeld said, pulling out his luger and shooting the reporter.

"Uh-oh!" Barbara and Jenna exclaimed upon seeing Rumsfeld and his dog.

"You two have some 'slpanin to do," Rumsfeld said menacingly.

"Uh, we just felt like sitting down and thus sat at this booth," Jenna stated innocently, "Why? What does it say?"

"It says, 'Rumsfeld's internal memos - five for a dollar'," Rumsfeld answered, seething with anger.

"It was all Jenna's idea!" Barbara exclaimed.


Laura Bush then came walking by. "What's happening here?"

"Your two villainous daughters are selling my memos to the press," Rumsfeld told her, "and I'm going to strangle them."

"We're just trying to raise beer money... I mean money for school supplies," Jenna said.

"Well you better give those memos back to Donald and apologize," Laura declared sternly.

They handed the box of memos to Rumsfeld. "Sorry, Mr. Rumsfeld."

Laura then led the two of them away. "Now you're going to get such a talking to you'll wish you were strangled, by golly!"

Rumsfeld stood there holding his memos as Chomps tore apart the booth. "Aw shucks; I wanted to murder someone. I know! Let's go to a local university and strangle some liberation protestors!"

"Grrrawerg!" Chomps growled in approval and anger.

* * * *

"The Rumsfeld strangler has struck college universities in the D.C. area," the anchorman announced, "leaving numerous hippies dead. Police do not plan to investigate too much, because we all hate stupid, smelly hippies. Now keep tuned in to Fox News for more fair and balanced coverage."

Rating: 2.2/5 (30 votes cast)

Comments (28) | In My World
October 28, 2003
Links of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 07:45 PM | Email This

Yeah, I said no Links of the Day™, but here is some quick ones.

Did you think my novel excerpt lacked descriptions? That's because they were stolen!

The Guaridan paints a bleak picture of things in Iraq. Anyway, there are more letters at Front Line Voices, with more in the pipline to be verified, but we still need more, especially of people stationed there now. If you know anyone over there now, please try and get a letter for us; we want to know how things are not filtered by any biases.

Rating: 2.2/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (4)
Muckadoo About Nothing
Posted by Frank J. at 06:22 PM | Email This
muck-a-doo: n. mindless idiot following those slightly less mindless; especially a left-wing protestor/ranter repeating common, discredited diatribes.

I came up with this term some time ago, but first used it on this site in my second hate letter to Michael Moore. It's simply a garbling of the second line of the phrase:

Monkey see.
Monkey do.


Anyway, if it already means something else, I'm unaware. Apparently it has greatly agitated John Kusch (linked in the previous post), but, glancing at his blog, he was already pretty agitated before we came along (like many far left these days). Some advice to him: If you rant against a satire site, expect to be called a muckadoo. And, in the future, take it like a man.

BTW, unless someone kills all terrorists soon, this site may be down tomorrow. The Puppy Blender has uncovered a plot by some muckadoos for a DoS attack on Hosting Matters. If you find my site is not working then... well... wait until it works again. I'm not putting up some back up site. If you are relying on IMAO for up to date news information, then God help you.

I've got a lot to do tonight, including coming up with tomorrow's IMW, and I need to have it all done by 9pm since that's when the season premiere of 24 is on which I plan to watch on my widescreen HDTV which I just finished paying off this month. One of these days I'll need to get a laptop with WLAN so I don't have to choose between my computer and my widescreen TV, but such a day is not coming soon since a) money does not grow on trees b) credit card companies apparently expect me to pay them back at some point.

Until we meet again.

Rating: 2.2/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (28)
Bite-Sized Wisdom: Me Busy, Me Insulted, Terrorists, Fight Club, and Screw You Guys
Posted by Frank J. at 08:27 AM | Email This

* I'm going to have to forgo doing anything other than my regular post each day (no Links of the Day™ and Frank Answers™) for now as I am really busy, both at work and with other activities at home such as working on my novel. Lars Walker, another author who has had Wolf Time, The Year of the Warrior, and the Blood and Judgment which comes out in December all published by Baen, has been nice enough to give me some more advice. Baen seems to be full of great authors who read IMAO.

* Look at this mindless hating of my rational hating of mindless Bush hatred. Everyone go over there and tell him he's a muckadoo. Yeah, that's right; you mess with me you get called some made up term.

* Demi-crats debated again over the weekend. I'd make a joke about it, but I don't even think the hardcore Demi-crats even care about these anymore.

* So the terrorists attacked the Red Cross on their own frick'n holy month. For those of you who are behind the curve, these people are evil. EEEEEEEvil. It would be morally wrong of us not do everything we can to splatter these bastards despite the whining of the hippies. Do you want to have to explain why the terrorists aren't dead to your children?

"Daddy, why aren't the bad people dead"

"Because of Demi-crats and Europeans."

* So, if a suicide bomber is rushing in on a truck, what would Jesus do? I think he'd jump on the hood while firing through the windshield with his .44 magnum.

* Sorry, that was "What would Dirty Harry do?". Jesus would probably have some solution where no one gets killed, but everyone has his or her own style.

* A bunch of liberals have made a Reagan movie and we're supposed to believe it's not a hatchet job? I wonder if when they do a Clinton movie are they going to whitewash everything or will the movie only be sold in adult video stores.

* Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are going to try and solve Middle East problems. That's almost as silly as sending Carter over to solve things. Anyway, so many people over there already seem to be inspired by the movie Fight Club.

* Bill Clinton claimed Tony Blair discussed his health problems with him years ago, but Mr. Blair's spokesman insisted that his irregular heartbeat had never happened before. What!? Bill Clinton said something that's not true? My whole world has gone topsy-turvy.

* An influential Lebanese politician says he wished Paul Wolfowitz had been killed in the Baghdad rocket attack. We should kill that bastard. Sure, there is freedom of speech... in America, but everyone else should watch his or her self. We treasure our Wolfowitzes in this country, and don't like them attacked.

* John Hawkins has a list of most influential books as picked by right-of-center bloggers. I've been more influenced by T.V., movies, and that know it all kid on the playground, so I only had four choices, three of which made the cut. Can you guess which ones?

Ayn Rand did well. I guess the people voting for her wouldn't have like that South Park episode about the Chicken-F**ker. Anyone know what I'm talking about? Anyone? Ah... screw you guys.

* BTW, if I do become a famous novelist, I will no longer talk to you little people. Sorry.

Rating: 2.4/5 (28 votes cast)

Comments (75) | Bite-Sized Wisdom
October 27, 2003
In My World: Mad... With Power!
Posted by Frank J. at 07:18 AM | Email This

"You are about to speak with North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il," Karl Rove told president Bush, "and you need to take a hard stance with him."

"Hey, I know how to do deeplomosee, Rover," Bush answered, "I will be resolved in these talks."

Via the satellite connection, Kim Jong Il appeared on screen.

"Ha ha! He's got poofy hair!" Bush exclaimed.

"You will not laugh at my poofy hair!" Jong yelled angrily, "You will fear me for I am very intimidating! I have nukes!"

"I'm supposed to believe you have the technology to make nucular weapons but not a comb?" Bush scoffed.

"You will treat me with respect! I very scary!"

"The only thing that makes me a little worried is your ability to control hoofed mammals I keep hearing about it," Bush answered.

"The term ‘Dear Leader’ is meant to be affectionate," Rove whispered in Bush's ear, "It's not meant to imply that he can command deer."

"You will negotiate with me!" Jong demanded, "You will sign a non-aggression treaty!"

"But I like aggression!" Bush responded, "You're an evil, murderous dictator, and you better watch it or you're going to end up like Saddam and Osama - successfully hiding from us while occasionally sending out videotapes."

Jong smiled. "I like to be on T.V.!"

"You better like it," Bush answered threateningly and then cut the communications. He then turned to Rove. "I think I told him."

Rove sighed and then faded into the shadows.

White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan came walking by. "What makes someone a crazy loon like Kim Jong Il," Bush asked him.

"Well, when someone is a dictator, they often become mad with power."

"That a great idea!" Bush exclaimed, "I should become mad with power!"

"That wasn’t' what I..."

"With all this presidential power, think of the havoc I can cause," Bush said, reveling the thought, "Quick, Scott, what's something you've always wanted."

Scott thought for a moment. "A job where I'm respected by my boss."

"That's the gayest thing I ever heard, Tubby," Bush laughed, "I guess I'll have to think of my own thing to do with my unlimited power!"

Bush looked out the window. "Have those protestors outside the front gates killed!"

"Those are well-wishers," Scott answered.

"Then have them thanked," Bush said as he stared at them evilly, "Muh ha ha ha!"

"Uh... that's not really evil laugh worthy," Scott told him.

"I know," Bush responded, a bit disappointed. He then noticed something on his desk. "The red button!" He ran over and pushed it repeatedly. He then noticed a little "Out of Order" sign on the side. "Dammit!"

"You alright?" Scott asked.

"I'm mad I can't use my power," Bush answered. "I know!" He walked out of his office while Scott followed. Bush then spotted someone. "You! You're fired!"

"I'm just a tourist," the man answered.

"What's your name and where do you work?" Bush demanded.

"Uh, Carl Johnson and I work at a Wal-Mart in Memphis."

Bush picked up a phone and quickly dialed a number. "I am the President of the United States and I demand that Carl Johnson be fired... I don't care if the number I dialed is invalid! I'm the President and I'm mad... mad with power!"

Laura Bush came walking by. "What are you doing?" she asked.

Bush quickly hung up the phone. "Nothing, dear."

"You're not going mad with power, are you?" Laura asked suspiciously.

"No! Not at all!"

Laura stared at Bush sternly.

"Maybe a little."

She continued to stare at him.

"It was all Scott's idea!" Bush exclaimed, breaking down, "He's a bad influence one me!"

"I wasn't for any madness at all!" Scott responded.

"You two better use your power sanely or I'll give you both a talking to you won't forget," Laura told them, "Now there is a cabinet in the kitchen that needs fixing, so why don't you two get 'mad with power tools' and take care of it."

"Yes, dear."

"Yes, Mrs. Bush."

Laura walked off.

"Wait a second," Scott said to Bush, "Shouldn't you be handling important things like the economy and Iraq?"

"You're right, Scott," Bush answered, "You fix the cabinet while I handle all our problems foreign and domestic."

"Okay, Mr. President," Scott said, running off to the kitchen.

"Dumbass," Bush chuckled to himself, "Time to watch The Matrix Reloaded on DVD again."

Rating: 2.4/5 (21 votes cast)

Comments (23) | In My World
October 26, 2003
Keep the Critiques Coming
Posted by Frank J. at 05:02 PM | Email This

Thanks for the criticism on my writing so far. The consensus seems to be that I need to add more descriptions which I guess just not that good at. It always seems to me that when I stop to describe something, it seems awkward. Is there any other problems people see to the novel so far (other than my inability to catch homophone mistakes)?

I may try joining some writing group to work on it. I really hope I can get it published and that everyone can see the rest, as, judging from the comments, the novel works out quite a bit differently than people are expecting. If you haven't seen it yet, head over to Baen and check out the sample of The Last American in the Slush Pile in Baen's Bar and tell me what you think.

Here's my vote for The New Weblog Showcase, BTW. Check it out.

Now to work on the IMW for tomorrow...

Rating: 2.5/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (11)
October 25, 2003
Me Write Good
Posted by Frank J. at 12:22 PM | Email This

Michael Z. Williamson (who has a novel called Freehold coming out; it's my website, and I can plug if I want to) was nice enough to give me some advice on getting my novel published. He pointed me to Baen where at Baen's Bar (a bboard) I know I have a number of fans of this site. I've posted the first four chapters of my novel titled "The Last American" in the Slush Pile and would appreciate anyone interested in sci-fi to give it some critical analysis (that goes in "Slush Comments"). I think I have a good story and a decent writing style, but I would love to hear from others.

UPDATE: I decided that excluding the Prologue was a bad idea, and, though it's a bit disjointed, I've now posted it and Chapter 5 (where the novel starts to get more serious and introduces one of my favorite characters) to the Slush Pile.

Rating: 1.9/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (35)
October 24, 2003
Links of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 10:44 PM | Email This

Sorry I've been behind on e-mails and links and everything else, but I'm trying to focus on finding out what I need to do to get my novel published. I'll mention more of that tomorrow, because I may need some help critiquing it.

Anyway, I had a great honor today. Best of the Web is something I never miss each weekday, and now I have been quoted by James Taranto himself. But what in God's name is a bon mot? It sounds French.

I inadvertently got the Centrist Coalition mentioned linked on Best of the Web as well. True to what I said, they somewhat agree with my statement.

Blackfive has yet another great anecdote, this one involving kayaking. I wish I had anecdotes.

He's also been interviewed by Earl.

Rating: 1.9/5 (23 votes cast)

Comments (14)
It's Hard to Get Everyone to Hate You
Posted by Frank J. at 10:30 PM | Email This

Look at this nasty letter I got from someone named Emily:

You wouldn't happen to be American would you? If so, go back making everyone in the world hate you. After all, it's what you do best...besides bombing countries and killing thousands of innocent people. Oh yeah, you might want to think twice about the government you elect, they seem to be making you guys a bit unpopular with the rest of the world. But who needs popularity when you have all the blood money you need. You sack of monkey ass.

With that last line, she really knows how to make it hurt. Here is my response:

Dear Emily, Actually, despite our best efforts, we can't get everyone to hate us. Israel likes us and probably always will since we share the love of killing terrorists. Also, when the U.N. recently voted to condemn Israel, it was 144-4 for that measure, with the U.S., Israel, the Marshall Islands, and Micronesia voting against. So, apparently the Marshall Islands and Micronesia still like us, as apparently we can't even find them to piss them off. Any ideas? And do you think if we piss off countries enough, they'll refuse our foreign aid out of principal? I would like to use that money for more cruise missiles. I like cruise missiles because they fly and go boom.

Frank J.

Rating: 2.6/5 (28 votes cast)

Comments (66) | I Hate Frank
Yvonne's Ashes: Part IV - Escape
Posted by Frank J. at 08:05 AM | Email This

Previous Episode

On my fourth birthday, we went to a giant McDonalds in a white bulding next to a smaller, regular looking McDonalds. The white building had an indoor playroom and it was fun. I got a Star Wars Y-Wing toy, which, when you pushed a button, would drop a bomb. What a fun toy! At the end of my birthday party, my Dad informed me that now I was old enough to get a job and stop being such a leech off of him. I wondered what a leech was.

When school started up again, my older brother went on to Kindergarten thus leaving me all alone in the preschool. Gangs were rampant in Alaskan preschools, and I was in constant fear of ambush. I also got to learn about Indians and eat corn nuts. Yummy! Mom still didn't let me have Kool-Aid, though.

Dad came home really angry one day. It ends up that where he worked was having some nasty thing called an "audit" and that some even more nasty thing called a "union" was afraid of being caught doing bad things. Thus to take focus away from them, they said that my poor daddy had falsified documents, committed bribery, and murdered hookers... even though most of it wasn't true at all! It was such a big deal, he ended up being on the news. I didn't watch, though, because news is boring.

One day on my way to school, two mean men named Vito and Lou grabbed me drove me away in a car. "Where are we going?" I asked.

"You just be quiet?" Vito told me, "Capeesh?"

"My name is Frankie and I'm four years old," I answered.

They took me to a building where the union boss was. He was a big fat man who smoked smelly cigars. They made a phone call to my daddy and told him that he needed to give them $50,000 if he wanted me back. That sounded like a lot! My dad must have agreed, because he tried to negotiate them down to $20,000. My dad is good at negotiating.

I then got to talk to my daddy to prove I was alive. "Hello daddy," I said.

"Hey, I don't want to pay these idiots so you have to escape. You hear me? I'll come pick you up if you make it out of the building. It shouldn't be too hard; they wouldn't send the cream of the crop of the mob to Anchorage."

"Okay daddy."

After the phone was hung up, I told everyone, "Hey look over there."

They all turned around. "What am I looking at over here?" Vito asked.

My plan worked, so I ran for their exit. They took out guns and shot at me. That was scary. But then my dad pulled up in his truck and drove off with me. Hooray! Dad said I was such a big boy for escaping from the mob, that he let me shift some of the gears when he drove. He also bought me a videogame on the condition I wouldn't tell mom about any of this. I wanted Q-Bert, but they were out, so I got Pac-Man instead.

When we got home, dad told mom that I had been at a friend’s house and he forgot to tell her. Mom looked suspicious, but she still made me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I'd need the energy if I was going to beat Pac-Man.

Not too long after, I came home one day to find our house was empty. The only thing there was a note left for me. I was just learning to read, so I was happy to have a note all to myself. The note said: "We've decided to leave Alaska, but we don't have enough money to bring you with us. You'll have to stay here and earn your own living. Good luck. -Dad".

I cried and cried. I'd miss my mommy and my daddy and my brother and even my little sister somewhat. But then I turned over the note and saw: "Just kidding! Here's some money to get a cab and meet us at the airport." That's my dad - always playing silly jokes.

Taking a cab was fun... at least until I saw something out the window. It was the Alaskan snow monkey! The cab driver wouldn't believe me, but the monkey clawed his way in and started trying to bite me. To make things worse, the sirens started sounding; the Soviets were invading again! I looked to the cab driver for help, but he had stopped the car and left. It ends up their was a tank aiming right for the car. Oh no!

I kicked that mean monkey and then got out of the car just before it exploded. Hopefully that bad monkey was dead. I had to run quickly, though, as the mean old Soviets were now shooting at me. Eventually I got the airport where my family was waiting.

"You almost made us late!" my dad said angrily.

Mom thought it was good of me to escape the Soviets, though, and she bought me a candy bar. As we walked to the plane, there was a giant bear standing on two legs in the middle of the airport. He looked at big as a building. Luckily, someone had shot him dead or otherwise he might eat me.

On the plane I got pilot wings and a bag of peanuts. We flew south and it looked like we were heading back to California. Oh no! But we stopped just short and landed in Oregon.

Rating: 2.1/5 (32 votes cast)

Comments (23) | Yvonne's Ashes
October 23, 2003
Bite-Sized Wisdom: IMAO Attack by al Qaeda, Friends of American and Israel, Rumsfeld Mad, Everybody is Not Getting Killed, and Damn Moderates
Posted by Frank J. at 08:14 AM | Email This

* What's this about a DoS attack against Hosting Matters? The Puppy Blender has finally changed the false quote about me to one claiming he was attacked by al Qaeda. Hey, my site went down too; how do you know they were targeting me? And why did they have to attack my defenseless blog instead of directly attacking me at home where I have my shotgun and handguns like I've always dreamed of? Then again, I don't know what my deed restrictions say about having dead terrorists lying on the lawn.

* Hey, America is not the only friend of Israel; the Marshall Islands and Micronesia also voted against a U.N. condemnation of Israel making it a 144-4 vote. Sure there are only about 160,000 people between those two countries, but it's nice to know we're not alone in this world. We have friends out there… thought they're very small and hard to find on a map.

* Rumsfeld is reportedly furious about the leak of the memo he wrote. He's strangling and shooting everyone in sight. All he did was ask some tough questions, and now everyone is acting like he thinks the war is a failure. I mean, half the memo is just him discussing how he didn't like the drape choices in the war room.

* The partial-birth abortion ban has passed the Senate and Bush said he will sign it. I'm against this. If you can't suck the brains out of baby's head, what rights do we have left?

* And Jeb Bush stopped Terri Schiavo from starving to death. It's a whole "not killing people" epidemic now.

* There is now a Centrist Coalition blog. I hate moderates... much more than even liberals. I bet Satan is a moderate; the best way to get evil accepted is to package it with some good. That's what moderates do; they're always like, "Oh! I'm so special because I don't take a firm stance on issues, and I see value in everyone's viewpoints." I bet right now a moderate is reading this and partially agreeing with it. Damn you!

Rating: 2.4/5 (23 votes cast)

Comments (33) | Bite-Sized Wisdom
October 22, 2003
In My World: When God Attacks
Posted by Frank J. at 07:18 AM | Email This

"Gen. William Boykin, do you take back your statements about God and the current fight with terrorists?" asked a reporter.

"No. America is a Christian nation, and God has helped us all the way by putting Bush in office and giving us victory against the terrorists who worship a false god," Gen. Boykin answered.

"And how can you be sure of that?"

"Because I say so!" answered a booming voice.

Everyone turned to see the giant figure of God, wearing a duster and a kickass cowboy hat. "America is truly a nation under Me," the Lord continued, "and I'm tired of dealing with all others."

"Can you prove you're really God," asked a skeptical reporter.

"Sure I can... SMITE! SMITE! SMITE!"

Reporters started dropping dead.

"I thought You were supposed to be benevolent!" exclaimed a panicked reporter.

"You're thinking of Jesus," God chuckled, "Now I'm going to get Old Testament on all the enemies of America!"

* * * *

"God has gone on a total rampage against terrorists," the anchorwoman reported, "His first action was to lift up the entire nation of Syria and then beat Saudi Arabia with it. We go now to a videotaped statement from Osama bin Laden."

"I thought Allah was on our side," said a frightened Osama, "but He's totally killing us all! He's even worse than America and the Joooos!" Osama looked behind him. "Oh s**t! Here He comes!"

The videotape ended and the anchorwoman came back on screen. "France has come out to condemn the unilateral action of the U.S., Britain, and the Lord Almighty. France was subsequently swallowed by the earth. The earth soon got very sick and spit France back out."

* * * *

"Oh no!" Buck the Marine exclaimed, "I'm outta bullets and there are still more terrorists to kill!"

"Hey, what's that falling from the sky," said another Marine, "Is it manna from heaven?"

"Better," Buck answered, "It's ammo! And hollow points too! I guess God doesn't follow the Geneva Convention. Ooh-rah!"

* * * *

"I think at this debate today, we Democrats should focus on policy issues instead of Bush hatred," Sen. Liberman said very slowly and boringly.

The crowd started booing and throwing things at Liberman. "We want mindless Bush hatred!" shouted one of the crowd.

Suddenly a giant figure crashed through the roof. "Oh no!" Gephardt squealed, "It's God and He looks wrathful!"

"Bush will be president for I have said so!" God announced, "and thus Democrats must be smoten!" Lightning and fireballs flew at all the Democrats. "Kill! Maim! Destroy! Make alive no longer!" God shouted while laughing maniacally.

"Religious extremist!" shouted a Democrat just before exploding into flames.

* * * *

"Do you condone God's partisan attacks?" a reporter asked.

"Well, I never planned to slaughter all the Democrat candidates," Bush answered, chuckling a bit, "but you're not going to get me to publicly disagree with God."

"Don't you think God is being a little harsh?" asked another reporter, "When terrorists pleaded to Him for mercy, said He didn't understand their language and then crushed them under foot."

"The glory of God is a mystery to all," Bush explained, "and thus he can be both omniscient and only speak and understand English." Bush thought for a moment. "Wow! I pronounced 'omniscient' correctly. That must mean..."

* * * *

"Wake up!" Condi commanded harshly.

"What?" Bush asked groggily.

"At important meetings about national security," Condi said angrily, "It's traditional to STAY AWAKE!"

Bush laid his head back down. "I'm following the Reagan tradition."

Rating: 2.4/5 (29 votes cast)

Comments (56) | In My World
October 21, 2003
Posted by Frank J. at 12:12 PM | Email This

The Malaysian Prime Minister said that Jews control the world. All this time I thought it was gravity, but, no, it was the Jews! When there was a big uproar against his statements, the PM said that only proved that Jews control the world. It's good we have Malaysian Prime Ministers to figure things out like that for us.

You probably are wondering why the Jews get blamed for everything and not someone else like the Polynesians. Well, it's because "Jews" is easy and fun to yell. Try it right now. Just shake your fist in the air and shout, "JEWS!" Isn't that fun.

And any time you spill ketchup on yourself, drop your pen, or run out of toilet paper, instead of moping there feeling sorry for yourself, it's a lot more satisfying to shout out angrily, "JEWS!"

Anyway, the Jews do have an overly large influence in the world if you think about it. Why are bagels so good and plentiful in New York City? It's because of the...


Why is their kosher salt available at the supermarket? It's on account of...


Ever been called a "schmuck" or accused of having "chutzpah"? People wouldn't use those words if it weren't for the...


Seen a synagogue in your town? It's only there because of the...


I've also heard that the Jews killed Jesus (actually, there's a whole film produced by Mel Gibson coming out about the crucifixion of which the working title is Look What Those Pesky Jews Did!). It seems strange to get angry about that, though, since Jesus came back to life a few days later; no harm, no foul. But did you know that Jesus was Jewish? Maybe Christianity is some big Jewish conspiracy. Ever get annoyed about having to get up early on a Sunday to go to church? Well, it's because of the...


And what about terrorism? You know why terrorists bomb people? It's because they're ignorant murderous, scumbags. But how do they have energy to commit their attacks? Because they eat food. And what do they eat? Goat and lambs. And what's a female lamb called? It's called an...


Which sounds a lot like...


Which doesn't prove anything... but it doesn't disprove anything either!

And just today, a Jewish coworker of mine had me read an ICD. So I told him, "That was boring! And stop ruling the world by proxy!"

And he said, "No. And don't forget about the PDR today."

What's with all these acronyms in engineering? Must be because of the...


And don't someone call me an anti-Semite now, because I have no idea what a Semite is. It does kinda sound like something I wouldn't like, but I can't be sure.

Oh, if you didn't like this post, send hate mail to either Meryl Yourish, Laurence Simon, or Eugene Volokh who run the blogosphere by proxy.

And one more thing:


Rating: 2.4/5 (29 votes cast)

Comments (48)
Funny Delayed is Funny Denied
Posted by Frank J. at 07:04 AM | Email This

Man, I couldn't come up with anything to talk about this morning and I have to get ready for work soon. I'll try and have something is I have time at my lunch break. Until then, look at this animation on this page and get your daughter an Ann Coulter doll for your daughter so she'll grow up to be crazy right-wing.

Rating: 2.1/5 (24 votes cast)

Comments (11)
October 20, 2003
Links of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 10:30 PM | Email This

Operation Give has a new home and has a new address to send toys for Iraqi children.

There is a new Carnival of the Capitalists. Anyone know anything about getting a book published?

Emperor Misha I said mean things about the Palestinians, and someone called him on it. I think he learned his lesson.

BTW, when I previously said "Damn Mormons" and that I didn't like being woken up by them, that wasn't meant to be an opening for some religion bashing. Let's all save our hatred for hippies, Commies, and terrorists.

Also, so many people are griping about how I won't update their links that I've lost track. I'll finally get that done this week, but, to help me, e-mail me with the subject "Link Update" and tell many how many links and where I need to take care of if you've moved to a new URL. Thanks.

Rating: 1.6/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (7)
Frank Answers: Popeye Laugh, Convenient Bombing, Baseball Curses, and Poo Flinging Monkeys
Posted by Frank J. at 12:34 PM | Email This

Ross McIntosh from Syria writes:
How would I type Popeye's laugh? I've tried all kinds of things and
none of them seem to convey it properly.

"Ah Guh Guh Guh!" seems closest to me, but nothing can match the sound of the world's most disfigured man himself.

Jessica R. from Waco, Tx writes:
While bombing the nations of France, Germany, Iraq, Syria, North Korea, and any other stupid, socialist, or annoying countries is appealing... oh, so deliciously appealing, is there any way to make it more efficient? I mean, it just seems wasteful to bomb all the countries individually, so I'm wondering if there's a way we can simply round these countries up in one convenient location.

That's what U.N. summits are for (far as I can figure).

Mike from a hole in the ground asks:
Will the Red Sox win the World Series next year?

No, because of the curse from when they sold the Bambino to fund opening the pharaoh’s tomb in which they found a goat.

Plus, they will never beat the Yankees since they have Hideki Matsui who has the spirit of the samurai in him and hits very honorable homeruns. Hai!

Mike, Franklin, TN writes:
recently i read that monkeys fling poo to show love, hate, or jealously. and i also read that monkeys fling poo alot. liberal democrats also enjoy flinging poo around mainly at republicans. so i guess my question is,are democrats really just cyborgs created by the monkeys to destroy us all?

Just Al Gore.

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

Rating: 1.7/5 (27 votes cast)

Comments (33) | Frank Answers
In My World: Bush Haters of the World Unite!
Posted by Frank J. at 07:19 AM | Email This

"The meeting of Bush Haters is called to order," Michael Moore announced, "Jonathan Chait, please read the minutes from the last meeting."

"By unanimous vote, we declared that we hate Bush," Chait said as he read from the minutes that were made from hastily writing with a crayon, "Also, by unanimous vote, we declared that we are much smarter than the general populace. By majority vote, it was decided that people were much happier under Saddam than the occupying force led by Bush. We also determined that we will spend more time trying to resolve how Bush can be both extremely dumb and evil and scheming and constantly outsmarting us at the same time. Still open to debate is whether Bush is worse than Hitler."

"I like Hitler! He kill joos!"

"Oh, I would like to welcome some new members to the Bush Haters club," Moore said, "but I need to remind our Islamic extremist friends that we refer to Jews here as 'neo-conservatives'. I think it's time to open the floor to general fomenting. I'll start." Moore took a deep breath and fixed his hat. "I hate Bush!" he screamed, shaking the floor as he jumped up and down, "I'm too busy hating Bush to shave or bathe. And he drives me to eat excessively!"

"You could use some of your eating time to instead bathe," suggested someone in the audience.

"You shut up!" Moore responded.

"Bathing is over-rated," Jaques Chirac said, "Anyway, I hate Bush because he won't recognize the moral superiority of the French. He's always warring and liberating when the proper way to deal with foreign affairs is to be impotent and gripe about others."

Al Fraken now stood up, his hair uncombed and his clothes disheveled. "Bush drove me to drink! I don't just hate him, but I hate the right-wing media too that keeps labeling me as 'deranged'! And I think the restraining order Alan Colmes put on me is overly harsh."

"Gerrwargh lies erghwaggy!" Senator Ted Kennedy stated, flailing his arms wildly. Everyone nodded to his wisdom.

"I think we need to raise the level of discourse," Chait stated, "There are a lot of perfectly rational reason to dislike Bush and..." Chait started getting tremors. "Who am I kidding! I just hate Bush because of how he walks and... uh... stuff." Chait started punching a wall.

"We hate Bush because he has too many Secret Service agents guarding him!" shouted one of the Islamic extremists in the back.

"I hate Bush because he stole my pills!" yelled Helen Thomas.

A man with a bushy mustache stood up. "No one hates Bush more than me! I lost my job because of him."

"He only cares about the rich like me," Moore said firmly.

"And I lost two sons because of him," the man continued.

"If only Bush would help the poor get healthcare," Chait stated.

"Yeah... it was a healthcare issue," the man said uneasily, "By the way, I need a place to crash since... uh... Ashcroft is after me with the Patriot Act since... uh... I said things about Bush… Yeah, that's the ticket!"

"What your name?" Moore asked.

"Saddam Hu... I mean Ed."

Chait answered is cell phone. "What? There is an infiltrator in our group!"

"Probably a jooo!" yelled one the Islamic extremists, "I mean neo-conservative!"

Moore looked to one of the most trusted members of the Bush Haters club. "Chomps, the world's angriest Bush hater, do you have any suspects?"

"Gerrrarh," Chomps answered.

"Maybe it's just the unidentified pills I took," Al Fraken said, "but doesn't Chomps kinda look like a rottweiler with a mustache glued on and wearing a Rastafarian hat?"

"And he's barely more coherent than Ted," Chait added.

"We can't just turn on each other for our odd appearances," Moore said, "Then again, those are kinda sharp, jagged looking teeth he has now that I can see them since he's curled is lips up. And the way he's staring at each of us with a thirst for blood is a bit unsettling."

"All this questioning of him seems to have made him angry," Chait said, "Very angry."

"Uh oh."

* * * *

Donald Rumsfeld sat on his back porch, drinking his whiskey. Suddenly Chomps ran up.

"There you are," Rumsfeld exclaimed, "I always wonder where you go running off to during the day; guess you have business of your own to handle. Now what's that in your mouth?"

Chomps dropped the item and panted happily.

"Looks like someone is missing an arm," Rumsfeld chuckled, "Guess that's why God gave us two."

Rating: 2.5/5 (36 votes cast)

Comments (26) | In My World
October 19, 2003
Sunday Babblings
Posted by Frank J. at 08:49 PM | Email This

I am done! I have finished editing my novel to the point I am ready to look for an agent (it is 100,100 words using this method to count and 77,400 according to MSWord). Now I have to write something called a query letter and figure out what agents to try sending it to.

I am about ready to shoot my computer, but it's really just the operating system. Windows 98 seems to be on its last leg, and I can barely check my mail and open IE at the same time before it claims I'm out of memory. I guess I'm going to have to actually pay ninety freak'n dollars to get Windows XP. While I'm at it, I might as well upgrade the rest of my computer. Everything except for the CPU (a 800MHz Athlon) is pretty modern, so does anyone know a good place where I can buy a chassis with motherboard and CPU already installed so I can just gut this computer and move the parts?

Here is the idiotic comment of the week, courtesy James Wakefield in response to my new hate letter to Michael Moore:

I love Michael Moore. I agree with everything he says and I love it that he is making you disgusting, stupid, haters so angry. As I am not an American it's easy for me to think that all Americans are power hungry war mongers that want to destroy all of the worlds diverse cultures. Greed and capitalism are taking over, its great to see that there are some good Americans like Michael Moore trying to make a difference for the good of all humans and not just the wealthy with their multiple yachts and mansions.

P.S You are not PROVING anything by just saying someones ideas are stupid; the key to an argument is to actually give a reason for why something is stupid. Maybe if you all thought about issues instead of seeing everything in black and white (or good and evil) you wouldn't be right wing.

Power to the Prolatarian. -James

There is too much idiocy here for me to respond to it all briefly, including just the general stupidity of responding to obvious satire in this manner (BTW, does anyone know the term for when you say you are not going to mention something, and thus mention it in saying you won't mention it?), but I will say this: I will make it my job in life to meticulously separate any gray into its base components of black and white. I will always be a simpleton who only sees things in right and wrong no matter how mentally taxing it is.

At the Alliance page, I have a post asking for help to take things to the next level (BTW, did you here of the Alliance propaganda victory?).

Also, here is my vote for the New Blog Showcase. Go check it out.

Go Yankees!

Rating: 2.3/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (61)
October 17, 2003
How Do You Solve a Problem Like Noam Chomsky?
Posted by Frank J. at 11:23 AM | Email This

I don't have it in me today to put up a full post right now, so the exciting Part IV of my autobiographical adventures will wait until next week.

Someone asked an interesting question in the comments section of my new hate letter to Michael Moore:

Honestly, what beef do you have with Noam Chomsky?

My answer is, other than him being a moral midget who can tell the difference between America and terrorists, I just think that "Noam" is the most idiotic first name I've ever heard.

So, my intelligent readers, why don't you like Noam Chomsky?

Rating: 1.7/5 (26 votes cast)

Comments (77)
Posted by Frank J. at 10:51 AM | Email This

Damn Mormons waking me up at 10:30 in the morning...

I have today off and ain't feeling top 'o the morning, but maybe I'll still get a post out a little later. Until then, the evil Earl (Jennifer) has an interview composed of questions submitted by readers. Enjoy.

Rating: 2.1/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (34)
October 16, 2003
I Still Hate Michael Moore
Posted by Frank J. at 06:45 AM | Email This

My original hate mail to Michael Moore was so popular, I've decided to write an even more rambling and hatening hate mail to him in celebration of his new book that came out this week. You think you're ready for it? Well, here it is, fresh from being e-mailed to the pant-load himself:

You probably remember me from the previous most hatingest hate mail ever, but now I'm so mad, I'm gonna top even that one. I'm going to do my best to put pure hate in word form so that you know exactly the amount of hatred for you. And don't go saying I'm "booing the booers"; this is directed right at you, Moore-on! (yeah, I stole that from someone else)

I have some ground rules, though. What I hate you for is your rhetoric, so I'm not going to mention how fat you are. That doesn't reflect on your ideas, and this should be about how idiotic your ideas are and not about how fat and ugly you are. Since the putrid rhetoric you have is so awful, it demands as much condemnation as possible, and thus any mention of how you are fat, ugly, and smell like a baboon would only detract from that... and I don't know for a fact that you smell like a baboon, anyway. I only assume that from the pictures of you where you look like a hobo and have this smile that says, "I just let out a big stinky one and I don't care!"

But now I'm getting off topic, you fat, fat, ugly man.

Fat. Fat. Fat.



Smells like a baboon.

Oh, and another ground rule: bringing up your poor shaving habits is fair game because that's just sloppy of you. I'm not going to bring it up, though, because it's not the strongest point to hit you with.

BTW, if you do improve your shaving habits, could you tell me what electric razor you choose because I'm not very satisfied with the one I have now. I'd appreciate it.

Where was I?

Oh yeah; hatred! Hatred for your idiotic viewpoints on... oh man, I completely forgot what I was going to talk about. Don't worry, I wrote some notes. They're on my desk somewhere... While I'm looking for them, have you been watching the playoffs? Looks like those poor Cubs are never going to make it to the World Series. That’s the trouble with those goats: They’ll curse your baseball team forever and they bite sometimes. I wouldn’t eat goat meat, though, because…

Now I remember what I was going to talk about! It's your tinfoil hat fantasies about how the Bush administration is out to take away your rights and ship your fat ass... sorry... you to Guantanamo. I know it makes you think you’re important to believe you're battling the "evil" Bush to save the world, but why can't you be courteous like the rest of the rejects by playing out your fantasies by rolling ten sided dice in some basement instead of trying to inflict it on the rest of us? Hell, you could make up some roll playing game and pretend to fight back against his administration since your whole concept of the world seems to be imaginary anyway. Maybe instead it could be a computer game where you hide from the wrath of the evil Ashcroft who flies around on his black dragon, zapping people with his Patriot Act powers. It would probably play best as some sort of strategy game, where you try to spread the "truth" to the people while avoid capture from Bush's forces. Actually, with all the wackadoos out there, there would be probably be a pretty good market for such a game...

Don’t you dare steal my computer game idea, you fat bastard! That's my idea! I swear to God that if I now see you come out with some "Fight Bush" computer game, I will hit you on the head with a two-by-four! Well, don't hold me to that... but I will hit you with some cut of lumber based on what is conveniently available.

Know what; I've lost focus again. I'm supposed to be talking about how much I hate you and why.

Hate. Hate. Hate.

Think. Think. Think.

Ah! The reason I hate you is because you are such a self-righteous arrogant idiot who apparently has no idea how out of touch he is with anyone else who isn't a drooling, leftist, muckadoo. And the reason that is so bad is... well.... I guess it's just annoying. But what it could lead to is... no, I don't think it is going to lead to anything actually.

Hold on a second; I have to think.

Okay, so basically you say a bunch of annoying tripe which is eaten up by other useless people, but, despite your wacky contentions that most people actually agree to you, you are on the fringe of people on the fringe. You have pretty much no chance of affecting any major public policy. And, even if you did, I have a shotgun. Come to think of it, you're not worthy of hate. You're just an annoying little fly, and all I need to do about you is to ignore you, despite how your largeness, ugliness, and baboon like smell may try and grab my attention.

Actually, I pity you. You’re so lost in your self-righteous fantasies, that, in the end, you must be a sad, lonely, frustrated man. Maybe some therapy or some pills could help you. I'd suggest electroshock therapy for the depression, but the amount of juice needed to electrify your corpulent body might cause another blackout in New York City.

Pitiful, pitiful Moore. There is nothing about you to be threatened by, and there is nothing to envy about you... oh wait, you have millions of dollars. I want millions of dollars! Well, at least I'm not fat, ugly, nor smell like a baboon.

BTW, if you liked that computer game idea I mentioned, I'll need an investor. Have your people talk to my people.

Who am I kidding; I don't have people. Just e-mail me.

Keep in touch,
Frank J.

Hmm, I seemed to have ran out of hate around the end there. Well, you just never know how a rambling hate mail will go, and that is part of their mystery.

Rating: 2.6/5 (58 votes cast)

Comments (146) | I Hate Frank
October 15, 2003
Links of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 08:53 PM | Email This

Everyone remember my hate mail to Michael Moore? Well, in celebration of his new book, tomorrow morning I have a new, even more hateful message for him. Until then... links!

I forgot to link this excellent observation from Kevin of the Primary Main Objective. I guess the Rumsfeld meme (I hate that word!) is spreading.

Is the whole thing with S-Train really becoming some big blogosphere racial incident? Personally, I was surprised to hear about a break-in motivated by white against black racism, but I didn't think it was implausible.

Here is another interesting example of self-defense.

The Carnivals of the Vanities is up, and I forgot to submit this time. You guys already read me, anyway, though.

BTW, now I'm rooting for the Cubs to win tonight so that the poor doofus who tried to catch the ball lastnight doesn't get lynched.


Rating: 2.3/5 (21 votes cast)

Comments (19)
Me No Like Frank
Posted by Frank J. at 07:06 PM | Email This

I thought everybody loved my two-parter The Demoncrat, but, according to this comment left on the first half, I was wrong:

you suck
you pice [sic] of crap right wing dope
no offence [sic]
Kevin [sick]

And he didn't leave a real e-mail so I could respond to him on the intelligent points of debate he brought up. Aw fooey.

UPDATE: A reader mentioned that maybe it's from Kevin Drum. Do the writing styles look the same to you?

Rating: 2.3/5 (24 votes cast)

Comments (11) | I Hate Frank
In My World: The Demoncrat - Volume 2
Posted by Frank J. at 07:21 AM | Email This

Volume 1

At his campaign headquarters, O'Yama, eater of souls and Democratic presidential candidate, sat at his throne and contemplated the destruction he would soon unleash across the world. A lone figure then entered his chamber.

"Announce yourself!" O'Yama demanded, standing to his full height of over nine feet not counting the horns that protruded from his dark helm.

"I'm Terry McAuliffe, the DNC Chairman," McAuliffe said, "I just want to see if you're a team player unlike a certain Governor Howard Dean whom I won't mention."

"Ask your questions quickly before I become annoyed," O'Yama answered, his voice subdued but still threatening.

"So... what's your view on abortion?"

O'Yama clenched his fist and held it up in a threatening manner. "I'm for the killing of all things!"

"Supports a woman's right to choose," McAuliffe said to himself as he wrote in a notepad. He looked back to O'Yama. "What are your views on the war in Iraq?"

O'Yama chuckled, his laughter so cold as to chill one's soul. "Saddam's torture of his citizens pleased me. I would not have stopped him."

"Against Bush's unilateral action in Iraq," McAuliffe said as he continued to write in his notepad. "So what do you think of affirmative action."

O'Yama's eyes glowed a fiery red and then he stated in a ferocious voice, "Mend it; don't end it."

"Great, great," McAuliffe said smiling, "Now, one more question: Under that evil looking armor you have on… you wouldn't happen to be a minority, would you?"

"I have grown weary of you," O'Yama announced. He then shot a fireball from his hands which knocked McAuliffe backwards, sending the man crashing through a window. He then fell three stories to the pavement below.

Helping McAuliffe to his feet were Bill and Hillary Clinton. "So how'd it go?" Bill Clinton asked.

McAuliffe brushed off his suit. "I think we can work with him."

* * * *

Bush held his sword into the air. "By the power of Grayskull... I... have... the... POWER!!"

"I don't think it works that way," Scott McClellan commented.

"Maybe it works this way," Bush said, and then smacked Scott in the face with the flat of the sword.

"Ow!" Scott yelled, "Why do you keep doing that?"

Bush rolled his eyes. "Because you yelping in pain is funny; do I need to write you a thesis or something?" Bush looked at his enchanted sword, the Crat-Cutter. "Maybe I can unlock its secret if I hold it higher." He prepared to power up. "Thundercats... HO!!!" he yelled as he plunged the sword skyward, accidentally stabbing the ceiling.

"George!" Laura Bush yelled, "What did I say about using swords in the house?"

Bush quickly concealed the sword behind him. "Uh... be really careful when I do it."

"No, I said never in the house and you know that," Laura said sternly, "If your going to play samurai, you do it in the backyard under the supervision of that nice Asian man."

"But Zatoichi's blind."

"And yet he doesn't cut up the house with his sword."

"Alright," Bush answered, and then looked to Scott. "You better go take over your press duties from Rumsfeld."

"Okay, but I just like you to know, Bush," Scott said sincerely," that I have faith in you and that you can save the world from the wrath O'Yama."

"Thanks, that means a lot," Bush answered, "I and I have something to tell you too." He then whacked Scott in the face again with the flat of his sword.

"Ow!" Scott yelled and then ran off.

"I think I'm taking that sword away from you," Laura said, approaching Bush.

"Stop, foolish woman," Karl Rove uttered as he emerged from the shadows, "Bush must train to use that sword to slay the evil demon O'Yama or the world will be destroyed thus causing the Republicans to lose Congress and the Whitehouse."

"Fine," Laura grumbled as she walked away, "I'll get some ice ready to put his finger in when we rush George to the hospital to have it reattached."

"Your training begins now," Zatoichi announced, standing by the door to the backyard.

"Talk to you later, Rover," Bush said, "I'm going to be a samurai."

"May the ancients of the Republican party guide you to victory," Karl Rove said before disappearing back into the shadows.

Bush went out into the yard with Ichi. He then swung the sword around. "How are you going to tell if I'm doing it right if you can't see?" Bush asked.

"From the sound of your sword swing, Bush-san, I can tell you are holding it backwards," Ichi said, "Remember: Blade faces the enemy."

Bush rotated the sword in his hands. "This katana is complicated," Bush complained, "So how do I use it's magical powers?"

"The magic comes from your heart," Ichi answered, "The sword will strike true if you wield it with honor, truth, and justice."

"Can I wear a cowboy hat when I do it?" Bush asked excitedly.

Ichi sighed. "Yes, you can wear a cowboy hat."

"Yee-ha!" Bush exclaimed, "I'm gonna give that O'Yama a samurai sword slaying... Texan style!"

* * * *

"No more breathing for you!" Rumsfeld yelled as he squeezed the neck of a reporter.

"You can stop strangling people," Scott told Rumsfeld, "I'm taking back the press conferences."

"Fine," Rumsfeld said, releasing the reporter, "My arthritis is starting to act up."

"Any questions from anyone not strangled?" Scott asked as he took the podium.

"How do you respond to reports that Bush went on some mystic quest to Japan?"

Scott gave a forced chuckled. "Why is it every time Bush disappears without notice for a few days it's assumed he's on some 'mystic quest'?"

"People are saying he's gained a legendary sword in Japan to slay the Democratic presidential hopeful O'Yama, Eater of Souls," said another reporter.

"How can you jump to conclusions like that?" Scott responded, "How do you know he didn't go to India to get a magic spear to slay John Edwards?"

"Well, O'Yama is the frontrunner, and thus he would have more motivation to slay him."

Scott shook his head. "You people always assume the most partisan reasons for everything."

"So why has Bush been seen practicing with a katana on the White House lawn?" asked one reporter.

Scott shrugged his shoulders. "He's always practices with various Asian weaponry; that doesn't mean anything."

"So, in the upcoming debate, are you going to guarantee that Bush will not slay any of the ten presidential hopefuls?"

"I think I've made things clear on that issue," Scott answered, visibly sweating, "Doesn't anyone want to talk about the 'quagmire' in Iraq?"

* * * *

"There are some new rules for this debate," the moderator said, "We're going to be more strict about opening and closing remark lengths, please no applause or other interruptions from the audience during the debate, and no eating the soul of the moderator." The moderator took a careful glance to O'Yama. "I'm not trying to single anyone out, but those are the rules. We'll now start with the opening remarks, and, by random draw, the first one will be from Representative Dennis Kucinich."

"Thank you," Kucinich said, "I just like to say that I will be the candidate of peace. One of my first acts will be to make a Department of Peace that will stop wars and continue the fight against mind controlling space lasers. In fact..."

"Quiet impotent fool!" O'Yama screamed as he aimed his hand at Kucinich. Lightning then shot from O'Yama's fingertips, electrocuting Kucinich and dropping him to the ground.

"It's not your turn to speak, O'Yama," the moderator said gently, "We need to respect each other's time and not zap each other."

"You will not tell me what to do, insignificant bug!" O'Yama yelled, his eyes glowing with an even brighter fire as he once again aimed his hand and shot lightning from his fingertips, electrocuting Kucinich and dropping him to the ground.

"I'm sorry to say, but I guess this is what we can expect from O'Yama," John Kerry said, "I guess he's too afraid to let others speak."

"How dare you say that to me, you haughty French-looking Senator from Massachusetts who, by the way, served in Vietnam!" O'Yama shouted, his anger shaking the auditorium, "You will pay for your impudence!" He aimed his hand and shot lightning from his fingertips, electrocuting Kucinich and dropping him to the ground.

"I... cede... the rest... of my... time..." Kucinich uttered as he lay on the ground.

"O'Yama, you are next," the moderator said.

"Long I have waited in the void, dreaming up the destruction of the world and progressive policies that will curb the might of corporations. When elected, I will bring death, misery, and increased pay for teachers. Finally, the streets will run red with blood, evil will rule the day, and there will be an affordable prescription drug plan for the masses. Fire and lava will consume the land, all with the multilateral support of the U.N. And, not only will I undo the ruinous policies of George W. Bush, I WILL EAT HIS SOUL!"

The entire audience erupted into applause.

"Please, quiet," the moderator warned, "No applauding during the debate."

The applause all stopped except for one clapping slowly at the back of the room. Everyone turned to see a man in a cowboy hat.

"Nice speech O'Yama," President Bush said. He then drew the Crat-Cutter. "Now I'm gonna cut you good!"

"Boo!" the Democrat audience yelled.

"You're worse than Hitler!" screeched one next to Bush.

"Would Hitler be nice enough to teach you some Japanese?" Bush asked the man. "This is called the 'kashira'." He then struck the man in the head with the hilt of his sword.

"Foolish mortal!" O'Yama yelled, "How dare you try and stand up to my might. Witness my power." O'Yama now held out both hands, lightning shooting from all his fingertips, electrocuting Kucinich and dropping him to the ground.

"You can zap Dennis all you want," Bush responded, "but you won't intimidate me!"

"Then try handling this!" O'Yama said as he threw a fireball at Bush. With a swift swipe of his sword, Bush cut the fireball in two, setting people in the audience on fire to each side of him.

"Ha! Ha! You set your own supporters on fire!" Bush mocked.

"We will settle this one on one!" O'Yama shouted, drawing a giant katana that glowed red.

Bush charged the stage and clashed with O'Yama, the other Democrat presidential candidates fleeing for cover. Bush was quick, but O'Yama was powerful, Bush blocking one of his swings only to be knocked backwards. Bush rolled back to his feet and persisted, coming at O'Yama with a quick series of swings. O'Yama easily deflected them, and then attacked. Bush was two slow, and took a cut to his side.

"Ow!" Bush yelled as he stumbled backwards and fell on to his back, "Zatoichi never told me swords hurt so much!"

O'Yama laughed evilly as he slowly approached the prone Bush. "Now your soul will be mine!"

Bush began to panic, and thus he tried to remember what Zatoichi told him at the end of his training. You are an idiot. You will probably lose. I am going to find a bomb shelter to hide in. echoed in Bush's head. "Guess it's up to my Texan know-how," Bush said to himself.

O'Yama posed over Bush, holding his sword over his head to deliver the final blow. Before, O'Yama could, though, Bush sent a quick kick to his groin.

"Arggh!" O'Yama yelled as he crumpled over in pain, "Why did I listen to my political advisor and not wear the codpiece to the debate?"

Bush sprung back to his feet, and, with a quick swing, severed O'Yama's lowered head. Instantly O'Yama's body was consumed in a black flame as he disappeared back into the void.

"I saved the world!" Bush exclaimed as he waved his sword around and danced a jig.

The Democrats in the audience all booed.

"I'd like to be the first to condemn this blatant, partisan attack," Representative Richard Gephardt said.

"It was racist too," declared Al Sharpton, "Though I haven't figured out exactly why yet... but I will!"

"Warmonger!" yelled an audience member as the rest continued to boo.

Bush ceremoniously sheathed his sword. "Ah, shut up, you whiny little bitches."

Rating: 2.2/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (34) | In My World
October 14, 2003
Links of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 09:12 PM | Email This

The Demoncrat was very popular, so it's going to be hard to top with Kill Bill The Demoncrat - Volume 2, but I'll try. I just finished writing it and will proof and post it tomorrow morning. I got a great idea (actually, a rehash of an old one) for Thursday where I'll try and top both of those together.

Well, coming up with ideas is fun, but writing is a bitch. I guess the weekend is for free time (which I plan to spend finishing up the editing of my novel).

Enough about me... on to the links!

I forgot yesterday to link to John Hawkins list of things he hates other conservative websites to do. It's all obviously aimed at me.

A new blog has started up to chronicle the adventures of an American having a semester in France. Hopefully hilarity will ensue. Maybe we can make request of things we want him to tell French people and then record the reaction.

Someone has been signing me up to left-wing organizations. I got an invitation to join Poets Against the War. The war is over, dumbasses!

Whoops, that should be in the form of a poem:

The war is over, dumasses.
Get back to your pottery classes.

And then I got this from the DNC:

Dear Frank J,

Recently, newspapers from all over the country received letters from U.S. soldiers stationed in Kirkuk, Iraq, describing their efforts in that region. Many of the papers printed those letters under the assumption that they were original letters written by the soldiers who signed them.

But they weren't. In fact, all the letters were identical except for the signatures.

As the Olympia, Washington Olympian reported, the letters were the same right down to the typing. The Olympian even received two of the letters signed by different hometown soldiers.

The Bush administration doesn't trust soldiers to write genuine letters to the editor, and it doesn't care what the men and women of our armed forces or their families really have to say about the situation in Iraq. Just as when President Bush put on a Navy flight suit as though it were a costume, he is again using our men and women in uniform as a prop as part of an extended public relations campaign.

We want to know what members of our military and their families really think about what's going on in Iraq -- good or bad. Click here to send us your story about what you or your family member is facing in Iraq.

They're stealing my idea! Dem bastards!

David Kaspar reports on how Germans are poisoning the minds of children against America (he also writes in German if you don't understand English such as what you are reading right now).

Well, I'm going to watch the baseball game and get to writing Thursday's post while the ideas are still fresh. I'm rooting for Chicago because the Marlins used to do spring season training in Brevard county but moved and thus we're now stuck with a Canadian team.

Rating: 1.8/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (9)
Frank Answers: Vote for Principle or Ah-nuld, Will Frank Move to Australia, and People are People
Posted by Frank J. at 12:14 PM | Email This

Pam from Cahleeforneeyah writes:
Now that Ahnuld has been elected the new govenah of Cahleeforneeyah, I'd like to know how you would have voted were you in my shoes. I'm of the 13% voters who believed McClintock was the better candidate but voted for Ahnuld as I couldn't bear the thought of Tattoo (Bustamante) running Fantasy Island. Did I wuss out, Frank? Should I have stuck with my convictions irrespective of the outcome? This keeps me up at night. Thanks for a reply.

Pam, you did the right thing. While principle are fun and all, you can't hold them above partisan gain. The fact was that Arnold had an 'R' next to his name and McClintock didn't have a chance of winning while Bustamante (the scarlet 'D' next to his name) did. Throwing away one's vote on political principle should be left to those wacky liberals, while we, the conservatives, must be more rational about things and vote for Austrian movie stars with a poor grasp of English.

Jez from Brisbane, Australia writes:
Frank, have you ever considered moving to Australia?, with talent like yours you could be a Big fish in our small pond, as long as you don’t mind Steve Irwin of course he is one of our icons! lol.

Crikey! I'd be too afraid of the crocs biting me. All have to contend with here in Florida are the friendly gators. While I do like Australia, and definitely would like to visit someday, I'm too much of an uber-patriot to ever move permanently from the States.

James from Ontario asks:
Does "Depeche Mode" count as a French product for boycott purposes?

Umm... sure, why not.

Wait, were people even buying their albums in the first place?

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

Rating: 1.9/5 (28 votes cast)

Comments (8) | Frank Answers
Bite-Sized Wisdom: Monkey Controlled Robots, Official Announcements, Angering Gun Owners, Israel Showing Us Up, and Gore News Channel (Not Liberal)
Posted by Frank J. at 08:30 AM | Email This

* Some damn fool scientists have taught monkeys to control robots with their brains! Chamber a round in your shotgun and do it now!

I am not being alarmist.

The scientists are even talking about making it so that the monkeys can control the robots wirelessly. Soon, the monkeys will climb up into trees where we can't get them while they use their telepathic powers to control robots to murder and enslave us. We need to get these scientists a grant to study the flow of ketchup from a bottle in high altitude conditions... research much less likely to lead to the end of mankind.

* This "When you think monkeys, think Frank" thing has gone a little too far. Not only did I get a record number of e-mails about the previous story, but my dad called me last night to ask if I heard about it. I blame the monkeys! I hate them so!

* Wacky little Kucinich has made his presidential bid official. I know; whoop-dee-freak'n doo. What is this with like campaigning for a year and then officially announcing a bid? When I first heard this yesterday morning that Dennis Cuckoo had an announcement, I was like, "Oh no! He's dropping out and I need him for my In My World™ tomorrow!" but it ended up instead it was this non-announcement. No one cares. Shut up.

* I want to take this time to officially announce I have a blog named IMAO. Someone please send the press release to the major media... or at least Instapundit.

No, I'm kidding. Don't spam Glenn Reynolds.

Then again, it would be funny...

* I'm getting bored of this stupid Democrat presidential primary race. I want to know who to focus my angry, partisan energies on. "Kill! Kill!" the voices tell me.

* For yet another day, France goes unbombed, and baby Jesus cries.

* They say there is hardly a peep about gun control from the Democrats. I guess they're finally learning that it's not smart to tick off people who own guns and no how to use them.

* Then again, they plan to bring up the "assault weapon" ban next year which makes illegal any gun that is cool looking or has a cool name. Time to mobilize the Association of Angry Gun Owners (motto: "We're angry and we have guns.").

* The buzz is we've recently spotted Saddam. I hope we get him so we can be like, "Yeah, that's right; we got Saddam. In your face, space coyote!"

"What about the WMD's?"

"The what now?"

* The Chi-Coms aren't going to broadcast live their space flight? What are they hiding? Something's rotten in Denmark, and I say we shoot those Commies down. That might cause an international incident, but we're kinda used to those by now.

* So are we going to beat the crap out of Syria, or are we just going to let Israel do it?

* Israel is also going to bomb Iran. I didn't know there was a race to beat the crap out of terrorist states. We need to get back on the ball before Israel shows us up.

* Proper bicycle safety says, that, when crossing an intersection, first keep an eye out for a former Miss America.

* Also, on topic of Iraq... Ahh! Robo-monkey!

* No, it was just a chair. That whole story about monkeys controlling robots with their minds sure has me spooked. When do we get our mind controlled robots? Or will they only sell them to certified mad scientists?

* Islamic nations feel that their survival is threatened by the U.S. And some of you people thought those guys weren't rational. You nutty despots; of course we're threatening your survival. First Iraq, then Syria, then Iran, then Denmark, then the rest of you. And there is nothing you or Allah can do about it. Modernization is coming, either with you accepting democratic reforms or at the tip of a cruise missile, biatch.

* Al Gore is hoping is new news station will be able to avoid the label of "liberal" and attract a younger, hipper audience. I have a slogan for it too: "The Hindenburgh of News Stations".

* On a serious note, I want to express my sympathies for the families of the troops who have died in Iraq. Those people have not only made the ultimate sacrifice for the country, but also in defense of the Iraqi people. To those who would use their death as propaganda against what they fight for, I warn that a big ass whup'n is waiting for you, either in this life or the next.

Rating: 2.3/5 (27 votes cast)

Comments (40) | Bite-Sized Wisdom
October 13, 2003
Links of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 07:38 PM | Email This

Blogger S-Train had two people break into his residence and was forced to respond. It ends up the attack by the two demons was racially motivated (I thought we were done with dumbf**ks like those). Having blogged about the event, S-Train ended up getting so much hate mail he's now taken a break from blogging. Well, go to his blog and read all about it (I find it especially interesting his motivation to buy a shotgun). I first heard of S-Train when he joined the Alliance, and, though I haven't been a regular reader (I rely mainly on linkers to point me to other blogs; thanks to Susie for pointing me to this), I have visited S-Train's blog on occasion. He definitely gave a different viewpoint to things than most of the other blogs I read, and I hope he eventually gets back to writing. In the least, I wish him and his family this best.

On a much less serious note, Owen has some phony money to warn everyone about (shouldn't Harvey be all over this?).

There is now a Carnival of the Capitalists.

Blackfive has gone straight to the military sites to find good news about Iraq.

BTW, thanks to the eighty or so alert readers who've told me about the monkeys controlling robots with their minds. I'll be sure to get on top of that subject tomorrow morning.

Rating: 2.2/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (24)
In My World: The Demoncrat
Posted by Frank J. at 07:22 AM | Email This

"There is a disturbance in the Beltway," Karl Rove uttered ominously.

"What is it, Rover?" Bush asked as he practiced on a putting green in the Oval Office.

Karl Rove closed his eyes and tried to focus. "I can not tell yet, but it does not bode well."

"I once thought I had a premonition," Bush said as he prepared for a putt, "but it was just bad shellfish." The golf ball rolled right by the hole's edge. "Constarnit!"

* * * *

The Democrat debate for the presidential nomination raged on as usual.

"I hate Bush!"

"I hate Bush more!"

"I wish I had some policy ideas... but I'm too busy hating Bush!"

"We hate Bush too!" yelled the sympathetic crowd.

"Wesley Clark is not really a Democrat!"

"I am too! You're a doody head!"

"You take that back!"

Suddenly a vortex emerged at the center of the stage. From it emerged a giant figure in black armor with glowing red eyes. "I am O�Yama, eater of souls and registered Democrat!" he screamed, lighting bursting about him and the entire auditorium shaking at the sound of his voice. "I will plunge the world into eternal darkness, raining blood upon the land, all funded by taxing the top one percent who are not paying their fair share!"

The audience applauded.

"I'm sorry," said the moderator, "but you can't just materialize in the debate like this."

"Your soul is mine!" O'Yama yelled, and a beam emerged from his fingertips. Soon the moderator was reduced to nothing but a skeleton.

"Well, I welcome any Democrat to the debate," Sen. Joe Liberman said, "but I'm not sure that eternal darkness is the direction we want to take the country in."

"Quiet, moderate fool!" O'Yama screeched, launching a fireball at Liberman. It exploded the Senator right off the stage. "I will wreak death, vengeance, and a progressive agenda upon the world, and no one can stop me! And I have been a Democrat since before time began... unlike a certain General in our midst."

"Hey! That's a cheap shot!" Wesley Clark protested.

"Quiet, or suffer for all eternity!" O'Yama threatened, "Only I can defeat George Bush! And when I do, his soul will be mine!"

There was a standing ovation in response as O'Yama's evil laughter echoed through the chamber.

* * * *

"Bush! Bush!" White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan yelled as he ran into the Oval Office. "There's a new Democrat who's entered the race for the presidency!"

"Who is it now?" Bush asked with annoyance.

"An evil demon that vows to destroy the world and eat your soul!"

Bush jumped out of his chair in surprise. "But Hillary promised she wouldn't run for the presidency!"

"He speaks of O'Yama, Eater of Souls," Zatoichi, Bush's blind samurai Secret Service agent, uttered, "An ancient evil."

"That sounds bad," Bush declared.

Scott turned on the T.V. to a news station. "O'Yama, having just entered the race, is already polling as the front-runner,� said the anchorman. �Apparently Democrats are warming up to him because of his left-leaning politics and how his vow to slaughter all humanity doesn't leave him as vulnerable to attacks about being weak on national security."

The screen then showed O'Yama, eyes glowing red with evil, giving a speech before a crowd of reporters. "When I am president, the oceans will boil, the cities will be destroyed in fire, and there will be universal health care!"

"What!" Bush exclaimed as he watched the television, "A universal health care plan could be harmful!"

"Why have you waited until now to enter the race?" a reporter asked O'Yama.

"Long ago, I was imprisoned within the void," O'Yama explained, "but the collective hatred for Bush has given me strength to break those seal and once again spread my evil and leftist politics across the world. In a way, you can say the Democratic faithfuls drafted me."

The O'Yama supporters in attendance cheered while the ancient demon laughed a spine-chilling laugh as the clouds above darkened and lightning struck about him.

The T.V. then showed a reporter interviewing an O'Yama supporter. "Does his being an evil demon concern you?"

"At least he�s better than Bush," the young man answered, "Who's like Hitler because of... stuff and uh... Bush lies like when... he said... things... Go O'Yama!"

"Sounds like the Democrat base of barely coherent idiots is behind him," Karl Rove said as he emerged from the shadows.

"So do you think he'll have a chance of beating Howard Dean in New Hampshire?" Bush asked.

"We cannot wait to find out!" Ichi exclaimed, "You must slay him now!"

"Hey, I'm not slaying anyone," Bush stated, "Best not to attack any of the Democrats until the primary is over. Isn't that right, Rover?"

"The destruction of the world could go against our partisan goals," Karl Rove said, "Perhaps this problem should be handled now."

"Fine," Bush said, "I'll get my .45 and then it's one dead ancient demon."

"No man made weapon can defeat O'Yama," Ichi said, "You must find a hidden cave in the mountains of Japan and obtain the enchanted katana known as Crat-Cutter. Only with that can you send O'Yama back to the void."

"Okay, Scott, go fetch me that sword," Bush ordered.

"It can only be wielded by the leader of the free-world," Ichi said, "You must go yourself, Bush-san."

"Fine," Bush moaned, "Every time I'm getting ready to settle in for a restful weekend, I have to go on some mystic quest to Japan."

* * * *

"Why do I have to carry everything," Scott asked as he trekked in the snow behind Bush.

"Because you're the sherpa," Bush answered, poking Scott in the belly with his walking stick.

"Stop doing that!" Scott yelled, "And who is answering press questions while I'm gone?"

"I told Rumsfeld to cover for you."

* * * *

"Rarr!" Rumsfeld yelled as he strangled a reporter.

* * * *

"Are you sure that's a wise decision?" Scott asked.

Bush rolled his eyes. "When was the last time I made a wise decision?" He surveyed the landscape. "Now where is this hidden cave?"

"Well... it's hidden," Scott answered, "Zatoichi said destiny would lead us to it."

"But how long is that going to take?" Bush complained, "What if a yeti or a wampa gets us first? And do you see any steakhouses nearby, because I'm hungry."

"I'm pretty sure we're in the middle of nowhere," Scott answered.

Bush looked around. "Aieeee! Snow monkey!" he exclaimed, and then leapt to the ground.

"That's just a rock," Scott said, and then noticed Bush was gone. "Where are..." he started to say, but then fell down a hole. Once he got off the ground, he saw Bush sitting there looking quite annoyed.

"Just our luck to stumble into some sort of... hidden cave," Bush grumbled, "Now we'll never find that steakhouse we were questing for."

"We're looking for the Crat-Cutter, remember?" Scott said.

Bush slapped his forehead. "Oh yeah; ancient, magical sword." He then noticed an old Asian man with a long white beard standing nearby. "Who are you?"

"I am the keeper of the sword you seek," the old man responded.

"Cool," Bush said and then held out his hands. "Gimme gimme gimme!"

"Before you can take the sword," the old man stated, "You must first pass a series of tests that will try your strength, your will, and your wit."

Bush considered this. "Ben Franklin says I get the sword now," Bush said, holding out a one hundred dollar bill.

The old man snatched the bill in a blink of an eye. "You have passed the tests," he pronounced, and then bowed as he handed the ancient sword to Bush.

"Kickass!" Bush exclaimed as he accepted the sword.

"Well, that could have gone a lot worse," Scott declared as he began to look for an exit to the cave.

"Yeppers," Bush answered as he put the sword in his belt. "Here's your wallet back, by the way."

* * * *

"Another debate between the Democrats seeking the presidential nomination is scheduled for a week from now," the anchorman said, "Pundits are expecting attacks against O'Yama since he is now the front-runner in the polls. O'Yama is expected to respond by destroying the city with giant hail stones."

"Should be an exciting debate," said the anchorwoman, "and now we go live to Iraq to hear from Iraqis exactly how they are affected by the accusations against Kobe Bryant..."


Rating: 1.8/5 (21 votes cast)

Comments (38) | In My World
October 12, 2003
Because Your Opinion Matters
Posted by Frank J. at 12:28 PM | Email This

More poll results! Yay!

Janet Reno may have had her own dance party, but Ashcroft is much funkier.
What best describes John Ashcroft?
Loveable and huggable - 108 votes (22%)
Fun to be around - 39 votes (8%)
The Disco King - 232 votes (47%)
Phat - 113 votes (23%)

He was puny, and Ah-nuld did crush him.
What would make the best Arnold Schwarzenegger campaign slogan?
"Come with me if you want fiscal responsibility." - 97 votes (18%)
"Gray Davis is a too-mah!" - 150 votes (28%)
"Consider that a recall." - 63 votes (12%)
"You are puny! I will crush you! I am Ah-nuld!" - 227 votes (42%)

Han Solo may have advanced technology, but a white shirt and a thin black vest isn’t going to stop a bullet.
Who would win in a fight between Indiana Jones and Han Solo?
Indiana Jones - 219 votes (43%)
Han Solo - 161 votes (32%)
It's a tie - 125 votes (25%)

Neo may have super reflexes, but the "Lost another loan to Ditech!" guy has chubby thumbs.
Who would win a thumb-wrestling match between Neo and the "Lost another loan to Ditech!" guy?
Neo - 204 votes (47%)
The "Lost another loan to Ditech!" guy - 177 votes (41%)
It's a tie - 55 votes (13%)

In Daredevil's defense, with some training he'd make a great blind samurai.
Who would win in a fight between Zatoichi and Daredevil?
Zatoichi - 274 votes (73%)
Daredevil - 67 votes (18%)
It's a tie - 33 votes (9%)

It's good to be "the man".
What's the best part about being a Republican?
Yelling at poor people - 41 votes (7%)
Not caring about the environment - 51 votes (8%)
When people talk about how "the man" is keeping them down, you know they're talking about you - 315 votes (50%)
Being a fat, rich, white man - 58 votes (9%)
Actually winning elections - 165 votes (26%)

Man, that would be a huge refrigerator, and we should stock it with beer.
What is the best solution for peace in Israel?
Kill all the Palestinians - 180 votes (31%)
Kill most the Palestinians - 104 votes (18%)
Take all the Palestinians bombs and put them high up on a refrigerator where the Palestinians can't reach them - 226 votes (38%)
Relocate Israel to Wyoming; Israelis will be in constant, violent conflict with the citizens of Wyoming - 78 votes (13%)

Kill them all!!!
What is the best way to defeat terrorism?
By living our lives as normal - 6 votes (1%)
By attacking the root causes that breeds terrorism - 35 votes (6%)
By being more engaged in the world and better respecting the opinions of other countries - 12 votes (2%)
Kill all terrorists; if people complain about our harsh tactics, kill them too - 535 votes (91%)

I thought illegal cockfighting would have done better.
I sure love tax cuts, but one thing I love even more than tax cuts is...
...seeing evil countries bombed. - 283 votes (47%)
...love, sunshine, and Jesus. - 67 votes (11%)
...illegal cockfighting. - 62 votes (10%)
...more tax cuts. - 190 votes (32%)

Number one and number three Jesus has actually done, and number two has precedent, but Jesus would never be all arrogant as in number four.
What would Jesus do?
Tell you some allegory for you to completely overinterpret. - 124 votes (29%)
When you run out of snacks at the Super Bowl party, turn rice cakes into Doritos. - 108 votes (25%)
Get totally pissed and knock over tables. - 113 votes (26%)
Be totally like, "You can't talk to me that way! I'm Jesus!" - 86 votes (20%)

A lot of people must have attractive neighbors' wives.
The Ten Commandments monument at the Alabama Judicial Building has been moved. What do you think?
God will now plague us with locusts... unless He's run out of those. Then it will be a plague of badgers. - 85 votes (16%)
Bah! Ten Commandments. I bet I could fit morality into five rules. Lazy God. - 49 votes (9%)
We shouldn't put up with this. Time to put the "Bam!" back in Alabama. - 144 votes (27%)
As a follower of Satan and a member of the ACLU, I think this is a postive step towards the elimination... er... uh. seperation of church and state. - 51 votes (10%)
So I can go back to coveting my neighbor's wife and it's all cool now, right? - 200 votes (38%)

More polls to come, because your opinion matters.

Rating: 2.7/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (8)
October 11, 2003
Frank Reviews: Kill Bill: Volume 1
Posted by Frank J. at 12:32 PM | Email This

I love cinema, so I don’t' know why I don't do these more often. Well, Kill Bill: Volume 1 is one of those movies you want to talk about.

It starts off with the quirkiest of humor, and then gets serious. After that, it's a completely unpredictable ride... and an extremely violent one. Half the budget must have been fake blood, and it spurts with intentional ridiculousness near the end. This movie isn't for everyone, but for the right, people, you'll hardly find any movie as jammed pack with action and humor.

Well, half a movie. In a late decision, the movie was split in two with the second half coming out in February. This seems like a cheap ploy to make twice the money on the film, but, by the end of the first half, you'll be so tired out from all the actiona an imagery thrown at you, you'll be wanting a break… and I mean that in a good way.

The story can be summed up in one word: revenge. The movie is all style, and there's no reason to dwell on the deeper meaning of it. And while there is a lot less dialogue in this film than the previous Tarantino films, the dialogue that is there is great. Better than the dialogue, though, is the action. It’s pretty much all martial arts and, of course, there is an extended samurai sword fight at the end. As for the realism, it's more brutal than something like Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon and looks like the people are trying to really kill each other instead of just dance. Still, it's pretty stylized at times, and the sword fight as too much "clang clang" to be like real samurai sword fighting. Unlike in the imported samurai flicks of old I've been watching where the evidence that someone is cut is just seeing the sword connect and hearing a yell, though, blood and limbs fly in this fight. After slaughtering like a hundred underlings, the final showdown between the heroine, The Bride, and one of the five on her death list, Cottonmouth, I thought was particularly well done as an aficionado of samurai sword fights.

BTW, you don't even see his face in this first half, but the main villain, Bill, kicks ass. Apparently he's an old fashioned killer, a regular cowboy/samurai) preferring a katana and a peacemaker (I may not have gone to some fancy film school, but let's see Ebert identify a gun when the only view you get is the barrel pointed at the screen). From the little teasing we get of the character in this (mainly just his voice and seeing nothing more than his hand), I can't wait to find out more about him in the second half of the movie. And, when the Bride finally gets her chance to kill Bill in February, it better be the actions sequence to end all action sequences to meet the hype carefully built in this first half. Four and a half out of five stars, and, for God's sake, leave the kids at home.

Rating: 2.4/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (19)
October 10, 2003
Links of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 05:32 PM | Email This

Gonna get dinner and go see Kill Bill with friends, so here are a quick couple links.

I have another post for Alliance members on what may be a useful direction for us that will make me us rich and famous.

It's Bill at Bloviating Inanities one year anniversary. Go tell him you love him.

I've found out there are liberal bloggers out there, and I've decided to make it a feature where I find one smaller than me and bully him like a good, thuggish right-winger. This one wants to carpet bomb the Vatican and, even worse, calls my comedy "wingnut", but is only able to point out a grammar error as criticism. Everyone go there and tell him he is a numbnut. When he is confronted with so many people informing him that he is a numbnut, he will have no choice but to conclude that he is, in fact, a numbnut.

My plan is flawless.

Rating: 2.6/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (15)
Fry Mumia
Posted by Frank J. at 01:02 PM | Email This

I've never really talked about the Free Mumia movement before, but I think there are some reason the movement has never led to real results, and I would list three.

1. His name his Mumia. That sounds like a scary man who might kill you. If he changed his name to Bob, he might get more support. Then his supporters would say, "They're going to execute Bob!" And people would be like, "I know someone named Bob! I wouldn't want him executed! How can I help?"

2. His main supporters are weird, Hollywood types. These are the kind of weirdos that normal people don't want near their children, and thus they aren't the best choices for vouching for one's character. If you had Mister Rogers (God rest his soul), then people might listen.

3. This last problem I think trumps all others and that is...


Sorry, I didn't mean to aim that at you, my readers, but this whole Mumia crap pisses me off much like those who go shake hands with Castro and talk about what a "nice guy" he is.

Paris has now named murder'n Mumia a fellow Parisian, and that's just it for me. Obviously there is nothing and no one of worth in Paris, and we should bomb it to ash and then pee on those ashes. I still own the bombfrance.com URL, and I really need to get a petition to let our representatives know that, if Paris is not bombed, their jobs are on the line.

The other day, O'Reilly had on the wife of Daniel Faulkner, the cop that Mumia murdered, and she talked about how she sent mail to pro-murderer activists like Susan Sarandon offering to go over the court transcripts with them to show that, in fact, Mumia is a goddamn murderer, but they would never respond to her (in fact, the poor woman has been booed my murderer enthusiasts on a number of occasions). O'Reilly, bless his arrogant heart, has vowed to pester and annoy those Hollywood activists to get them to answer for this, and Godspeed to him. I'm always for accountability for numbnuts.

Rating: 2.1/5 (25 votes cast)

Comments (25)
Yvonne's Ashes: Part III - Starting School and Alaskan Fishing
Posted by Frank J. at 08:29 AM | Email This

Previous Episode

I started pre-school which mean I had to be away from my mommy, but my big brother, Joe foo', was at pre-school too so it wasn't so bad. He punched me in the arm, though, and pretended he didn't know me.

At pre-school we would do fun arts and crafts, and then there would be playtime. During play time, Joe foo' would obsess with destroying the pre-school's power structure that he was convinced was trying to turn us into conformist automatons. I liked the toy that had three see-through panels of different color: one red, one blue, and one yellow. If you combined red and blue, you got purple. If you combined red and yellow, you got orange. If you combined blue and yellow, you got green. If you combined them all, God help you.

At snack time we got crackers and Kool-aid... actually the other kids got crackers and Kool-aid. Mom thought Kool-aid was too sugary, and she instructed that Joe and me couldn't have any so we just got water instead. What a mean momma. We would try to trick the teacher, such as putting on a fake mustache, but she was too smart for us.

After pre-school, we could play in the playground while we waited for our parents to remember us. We had a jungle gym and other such fun things to climb - all suspended over nice, forgiving concrete. There was this extra big platform that you could climb up to on a ladder and had different slides to get down. It was so high it was scary. One day I finally climbed up onto it, but, when I tried to get down, I noticed I was all alone, and at the bottom was the Alaskan snow monkey ready to bite me. I tried moving from slide to slide, but the monkey kept be persistent, always standing there staring at me evilly. I started crying, and eventually the teacher had to come to help me down.

All as a family, we went to one of the big, national parks in Alaska. When we were there, we ate some bear meat. It was yummy. I didn't know bears were for eating. Dad told me, "If you can kills it, you can eats it." Dad is very wise.

A three-legged dog named Charlie lived near us, and we sometimes took care of him. I made fun of him for missing a leg, but then he charged me and knocked me over. I tried to knock him over, but I couldn't because of that support that extra leg gave him. Stupid Charlie, thinking he's so great because he has one more leg than me.

When it got colder, we had a problem with a walrus getting in the backyard and tearing up the lawn with his tusks. Momma would say, "Frankie, you go take a broom and chase away that walrus."

"Why can't Joe do it? Those big teeth are scary."

"You go chase way that walrus right now!"

So I'd go in the backyard, swing my broom at the walrus while saying, "Shoo, walrus, shoo!" He knocked me down with his big tail, though, and then I saw that stupid Alaskan snow monkey up in a tree laughing at me. I’d get that monkey, I swore.

Joe and I got a neat new present - a bunk bed! It was a two-story bed, which was really cool. My brother got the top bunk, though, so it ended to me being just like a regular bed that was in constant threat of crushing me.

We also got a black and white T.V. for our room upon which we could watch sitcoms like Cheers and not understand the jokes. On Saturday morning's, though, we'd go out to the living room and watch cartoons on the color T.V. Joe foo', Silly Sister Sarah, and me liked to watch the Smurfs and learn about their perfect society led by the unquestioned dictator, the bearded Papa Smurf. They were constantly threatened by an evil Jew and his cat. Dad didn't let us watch it though, since he said it was Commie propaganda. So instead we put on Scooby-Doo, but dad was afraid that would teach us to meddle. So instead we watched The News Hour with Jim Lehrer, which taught us to be boring.

We ended up going on a big fishing trip. It was so far off in another place in Alaska that we had to take plane to get there. We flew over mountains and landed in water. Then we had a cabin to stay in. To go the bathroom was a big outhouse with a deep hole. Joe foo' and I were scared of falling in, so we thought of dropping little Sarah down the hole to test things out. Mom found out and stopped us, though.

My dad ended up catching the biggest fish that season. It was huge! He then gave it to the camp people to have it prepared for a trophy. When he came back to get it, though, he found out that the guy and filleted it. My dad expressed displeasure at this.

"I'LL MURDER YOU DEAD!" my dad screamed as the staff tried to hold him back. "I'll find out where you live and kill you and everyone you care about!" my dad said as they dragged him off.

Fishing was fun, but things waited for my dad and me that weren't so fun.

Rating: 2.1/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (13) | Yvonne's Ashes
October 09, 2003
Frank Tips for Governing California
Posted by Frank J. at 08:38 AM | Email This

Arnold is going to be governor of California, but his previous experience was acting and he has a big task ahead of him balancing the budget. So I was thinking, "Hey! He needs my advice!" So here is some advice to Arnold to be the bestest governor since Ronald Reagan and close that budget gap:

* No more groping; people want decency from their governor. People are less attractive at the capitol than Hollywood anyway. And, though your wife is related to the Kennedys, she deserves your respect.

* People need to respect you. If someone makes fun of the way you talk, smash his head between your two massive hands while shouting, "Dah!" That will be a good warning to others.

* The LA Times is obviously biased against you, so storm their headquarters with an M60 and kill them all. They probably won't like that, but they won't be alive to give you biased, negative coverage of the event since they'll be dead. NOTE: No one take this out of context and say I advised Arnold to murder a bunch of people. I'm telling him to kill journalists; leave the janitorial staff at the LA Times alone.

* You have to work with a Democrat legislature, and we all know they fear neither God nor man and wish the worst for everyone. When it comes time to vote on a budget you propose, run into the capitol and start throwing people around. This will intimidate them to vote your way.

* There are millions of illegal aliens in California, and they cost the taxpayers money. Since it's too hard to go around and find out who is an illegal alien and who isn't, just deport everyone in San Francisco.

* If you need more money, you could set up lemonade stands around your borders and sell to the states around you. Mmm... lemonade.

* To set the pace of budget cuts, whatever bureaucracy in California is wasting the most money, blow it up.

* Keep a dog with you at all times. If you are really successful, you may cause the downfall of the Democrats in the future. Thus, those future Democrats may send back a robot disguised as a man to kill you. Dogs are good at identifying those.

* I know you campaigned saying you're for gun control, but come on; you're Arnold. Liberalize laws on guns and then save money by cutting the police force in a program called "Shoot Your Own Damn Criminals".

* The Indians have been having a free ride ever since we stole their land, enslaved them, and kept relocating them. It's time to make their casinos pay their fair share.

* If people are going to reduce spending, you need to set an example for them, Arnold. Instead of storming into a room firing two guns at once, use only one.

* I'm usually not for taxes that target the rich, and I know you promised you wouldn't raise them, but why not put a tax on Hollywood types who speak out for wacky causes. We'll call it the "Being a Prick Tax".

* Another tax idea: just like their are extra taxes on things we consider harmful like alcohol and cigarettes, being poor is a drain on the economy, so tax that.

* Finding a way to make all the money fit in California could be hard, so find a state that doesn't have problems with their budget and set up a meeting with their governor. Then, when no one is looking, switch budgets. Muh ha ha ha!

* If all else fails, burn down California and collect the insurance money.

Rating: 1.9/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (38)
October 08, 2003
A Message For Liberals and Links of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 11:53 PM | Email This

Sorry, I'm tired and no time to speak like Arnold (I'm veak and puny), but I have a few things to say.

For a change of pace, let's take a look at some liberal blogs. At Daily Kos, he has the mentality of that of a four-year-old: "They recalled our governor, let's recall theirs back." Tom Tomorrow is scared that Arnold will become president, not caring about any rational argument that naturalized citizens should be able to be president (hateful uber-partisan, anyone?). John Hawkins has a good roundup of the Democratic Underground, who, as always, play their part of the inmates in the Asylum looking out the window and wondering why everyone is so crazy. Calpundit, since he actually lives in California, is much more reserved, but you can see the crazy liberal trying to break out. It's almost like the Bruce Banner trying to hold back the Hulk. You can hold onto your sanity, Kevin; we're rooting for you!

Anyway, I have a message for liberals, and I mean the real wackadoo ones. I know they don't usually read my blog, but someone point them here, as I have a few important points to tell them about the recall election.

First off, conservatives don't even like Arnold. Like 13% of the voters in California threw their vote away to McClintock. Many believe things would be better for Bush in 2004 with a weak Democrat in California in 2004. The reason so many of us are enjoying this is that it enrages you wackadoos so much that you're tearing apart your tinfoil hats with your teeth, and that is entertaining.

Secondly, this is an isolated events, nitwits. Misha has a good example of your wacky thinking trying to make some association between this and Bush. Okay, everyone listen to this carefully:

Davis has an approval rating in the low twenties.

That is a very unusual thing, you nuts; don't you understand that? His own party hated him. Sure this was political opportunism by the Republicans... opportunism of a valid opportunity. If you idiots can find a Republican governor as hated as Davis in a state with a recall law, more power to you. And if Arnold gets that low an approval rating after a while in office (which is hard to imagine, even if he goes grope crazy), go ahead and recall him, but don’t do it as some temper tantrum.

Lastly, there's some talk from the super wackadoos about the need for revolution or to fight, and this is a point I think all you liberals need to hear again from time to time:

There are more conservative than liberals in America. There always have been, and there always will be. And we have guns and you don't. If you want a street fight, it will be very short. This is important for you liberals to know, because we conservatives could easily slaughter you all if we wanted, but, instead, out of the kindness of our hearts, we let you live and tolerate your shrill dissent. You guys need to be more thankful of that.

Okay, enough talking to liberals. Here are some links:

The Carnival of the Vanities is up.

Owen hasn't been paying attention to the news and needs to catch up.

The Indepundit reports on how Arafat had a heart attack. A sniper bullet to the head should clear that up.

We've still had some trouble spreading the word about Front Line Voices, and Jay Solo has a good idea to get the word outside of the blogosphere.

BTW, after martial arts today, we all went to a Chinese buffet to welcome back a student who had returned from Iraq. On the placemats they had those things about what animal goes with what year, and I'm a frick'n sheep. Guess what is the year after mine? The year of the monkey. 2003 is a year of the sheep, which makes sense since I'm 24 (gone through the cycle twice), but that also means that next year, 2004, the election year, is a year of the monkey. That doesn't bode well for the Republicans.

Oh, and Tom Bridge wanted a birthday shout out. What does he think this is? Some children's show where I do birthday announcements? Geez.

Now go visit all those puny little blogs. Dah!

UPDATE: Bill Whittle, who lives in California, has some commentary on the issue. He needs to send out an e-mail notice every time he updates.

Rating: 2.3/5 (21 votes cast)

Comments (28)
New Holiday
Posted by Frank J. at 09:06 AM | Email This

I hereby decree October 8th to be International Talk Like Arnold Day.


Rating: 2.7/5 (21 votes cast)

Comments (21)
In My World: Stabilizing Iraq
Posted by Frank J. at 07:23 AM | Email This

"Hey, kids, I'd love to do my imitation again, but it ain't good for my equipment."

"Please big American!" the Iraqi kids pleaded.

"Well, alright," Buck the Marine said. He then dropped his rifle, raised his hands, and shouted, "J'ai une odeur comme le fromage!"

The children all laughed and clapped their hands.

"Pick that rifle back up!" came a stern voice from behind Buck.

He took his rifle and turned around to see Condoleezza Rice. "Hey, you're that National Security Advisor."

"Yes, and I'm now in charge of stabilization in Iraq and Afghanistan," Condi answered, "I've decided to take a hands on approach." She turned to an Iraqi loitering nearby. "What are you doing?"

"Sitting on a barrel."

"Don't sit on that barrel!" She looked around. "Sit on that barrel over there."


Condi watched carefully as the Iraqi moved his sitting place to the other barrel. "Excellent."

"Do you really need to micro-manage like that?" Buck asked.

"I will not be questioned!" Condi yelled. She then turned to one of the children. "How old are you?"


"That's old enough to make me coffee; get to it! And, as for the rest of you kids, you need to start work on rebuilding that bridge over the river to the east."

"But we don't know..."

"I said go build a bridge!" Condi screamed and raised her hand ready to strike. The kids ran away in fear.

"Should I help the kids," asked the loitering Iraqi.

"I told you to sit on that barrel and you're going to stay on that barrel!" Condi yelled. She then composed herself and looked to Buck. "I cannot have a stabilized Iraq unless people do as I say unquestioningly. Now, I have a job for you, Buck. I hear there are still some terrorists left here and I need you to deal with them."

"I will do my best, ma'am."

"I want them all dead by tomorrow morning. My carefully laid plans need all evil people in Iraq dead by tomorrow."

"Uh... okay, ma'am... uh... all of them?"

"I think I made that clear!" Condi said curtly. "You'll have help from the U.N., by the way. I've brought with me the award winning U.N. peacekeeper Chomps, the world's angriest dog."

Chomps, wearing his blue helmet, came running up to Condi's side and looking quite angry at everything. "This heat makes him grumpy," Condi explained.

Chomps started barking at the sun. He stopped after the light stung his eyes too much, but then recovered and barked at the sun again.

"So just to be clear, ma'am, my job is to kill all terrorists in Iraq within twenty-four hours?" Buck asked dubiously.

"By tomorrow morning; you better not take twenty-four hours!" Condi warned.

Buck prepped his rifle. "Yes, ma'am!"

* * * *

"You're going to have to kill a lot of terrorists with your teeth," Buck told Chomps, "because I don't think I have enough bullets."

Chomps savagely mangled a patch of sand that angered him somehow.

"Quiet, Chomps," Buck whispered, "I think I her me some for'ners."

From a nearby cave, they could hear some voices.

"We must kill the American invaders!" said one man.

"We need to get all American and Jews out of the Middle East," said another, "Then we can once again be a true Islamic region and go back to just killing each other."

"That will be great," answered the first, "but did you just drop a small green pineapple?"

* * * *

"All them Islamic terrorists is going to be bad for your stomach," Buck told Chomps, "Why don't you chase that down with a pork chop."

He threw the piece of meat to Chomps who ate it greedily.

"Well, I'm out of ammo and my knife needs sharpening," Buck said, "Hopefully we got all them terrorists 'cause I'm starting to get tired."

They trekked back to town just as the sun was rising. "Are all the terrorists dead?" was their greeting by Condi when they arrived.

"I think so," Buck answered, "During the night, we went all around Iraq killing anyone who was too foreign. There was a lot of them, but they's dead now. Usually kill'n gets me pumped up, but I'm pretty tuckered out about now. So how is the rebuilding?"

"Well, the school, the hospital, and the police station are behind schedule," Condi admitted, "but my palace is nearly done." She pointed to a giant palace that everyone was busy at work on. She then spotted something. "What is that? Syrians are getting in here! I thought you killed all the terrorist, Buck!"

"Well, I got all I could find here, but there's more that keep coming in from Syria."

"Then you go into Syria and you kill everyone thinking of coming into Iraq," Condi commanded, "There are some nice Jewish boys in Israel who can probably help you with that."

"Can't I get a nap first and then kill all bad people," Buck asked. Chomps whimpered, him being so tired he barely looked angry.

Condi rolled her eyes. "Fine. Take a quick nap and then invade Syria."

"Can I stop sitting on this barrel?" asked the Iraqi behind her.

"When I told you to sit on that barrel I had good reason!" Condi shot back. She then looked to the people working on her palace. "More gold inlays!"

Rating: 2.6/5 (23 votes cast)

Comments (16) | In My World
Posted by Frank J. at 07:18 AM | Email This

"They were puny! I have crushed them!"


Rating: 2.5/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (10)
October 07, 2003
Links of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 PM | Email This

Fritz, who is probably now trying to come to grips with the fact that Arnold is going to be his governor (or not), has a great story about twins, mannequins, and respecting your customers.

I forgot to mention yesterday that John Hawkins had a great interview with David Limbaugh. He also today has a list of truths about American politics.

Dana at Note-It Posts (oh, I finally got that blog name!) has her first ever top ten list, all about our new favorite Demi-crat, Howard Dean.

One last thing - why I love Fox & Friends in the morning. Somehow the subject of ANWR comes up, and, as she usually does, E.D. Hill gets suddenly indignantly angry, talking about how the warmth from the pipes of the oil drilling helps the caribou multiply. Without missing a beat, Brian Kilmeade responds, "Yeah, when those caribou get hot pipe, they sure like to multiply."

Rating: 2.1/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (4)
Frank Answers: Weak Forces, Be Like Frank, Monkey-men, and Hand Washing
Posted by Frank J. at 12:37 PM | Email This

Doyle S. from Moscow, Russia asks:
What happens when an easily resisted force meets an easily moved object?

Finally, an intelligent question. I believe this causes a rip in the space-time continuum or something. Fortunately, this situation is very unlikely to happen because it would involve France invading itself.

Don W. from Virginia asks:
Frank, I'm not as funny as you. How can I change that?

Drink a gallon of Windex.

NOTE: IMAO and its subsidiaries (of which there are none) are not liable for any damage done by an individual following the advice of this column.

Wesley from the starship Enterprise asks:
Since you have such a distain for monkeys, I was wondering how you felt about famous man/ape, ape/man combinations, like Tarzan or Bigfoot?

Tarzan is not a man ape; he is a man raised by apes and thus a traitor to his kind. I'm pretty sure Bigfoot is a myth, but if not, he should be killed because he is obviously part of some huge monkey conspiracy... probably involving space aliens.

I don’t like space aliens either.

Denny from Montenegro writes:
On Sept. 23 I heard a report on NPR about hand washing (http://www.npr.org/features/feature.php?wfId=1440436). The report was based upon research done by spies in airport bathrooms. They commented that 20% of women and 30% of men don't wash their hands. I find this disgusting but a listener mail read on NPR yesterday, Sept. 25, brought to the table a good point. That is, "person uses restroom, person turns on faucet with soiled hands, soil is deposited on faucet, person washes hands, person once again touches faucet, soil is re-deposited on persons hand. What has been accomplished?" So, Frank, what has been accomplished?

Washing ones hands after using the restroom is of cultural significance. It shows that we have higher standards of cleanliness than filthy animals such as the capybara or the Frenchman. When you refuse to wash your hands, you distance yourself from the standards of man and chip away at your own humanity.

What is accomplished, you ask? Why everything. From advanced technology, putting man in space, to medicine that lengthens our lives; this is all symbolized in the act of washing our hands. We once lived in caves, but now we have faucets in our bathrooms and for good reason.

Then again, perhaps the push to always wash your hands after going to the bathroom is just a conspiracy by Big Water to keep people using their product. Damn you, water utilities!

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

Rating: 2.5/5 (27 votes cast)

Comments (18) | Frank Answers
Bite-Sized Wisdom: Syria, Recall Election, Graham, Rice, Kay, and Commies in Space
Posted by Frank J. at 08:18 AM | Email This

* Did you see the Israeli ambassador respond to the Syrian one at the U.N.? Damn, he looked pissed. Would have been cool if, when asked to respond to Syria, the Israeli ambassador just pulled out his gun and shot the Syrian. Sure it would have caused controversy, but I'm getting so damn tired of diplomacy. Gunshots speak louder than words. Hell, they ring your ears.

* When Israel attacked Syria, we should have followed up. It would be just like that scene in Predator when a guy sees the predator and starts firing and, though no one else knows what he's firing at, they fire in the same direction. We should be like that because Israel is our ally, or, in the least, because we like shooting stuff.

* "If it bleeds, you can kill it." My second favorite Arnold line. I hope Arnold wins today because:
A. I like it when Republicans win.
B. It will be entertaining to have Arnold as governor of the largest state in America.
C. I live far away from California, so it doesn't affect me in the least.

* Indian tribes seem to be giving huge support to the Bustamante campaign, sending out direct mail and paying for ads. I know what this is all about! The Indians and MEChA plan to join together and take back the land we stole fair and square! And I don't really care because, again, it's California and I don't live there.

* That stupid Graham cracker finally quit the presidential race. Unlike Sharpton, he was actually deluded into thinking he could win. I hope we can now replace him as senator here in Florida because I want a Republican senator.

My other senator is also a Democrat, right? What the hell's his name? Ah, who cares.

* Condoleezza Rice is now taking command of stabilization in Iraq and Afghanistan and... hell, I'll save any joke about this for an In My World™ tomorrow.

* You heard about that guy in New York who kept a tiger in his apartment? I have a baboon locked in my guestroom. How long is it going to take that damn thing to starve?

* So what's up with the Kay report? Did we find evidence of WMD's or not. I keep hearing opposite thing on that and I'm too bored to do any follow up.

* Pentagon sold items that could be used to make bio weapons to the public. Don't they know there are supervillians out there just waiting for such an opportunity?

* China is still working on making a space program. What is it with Commies and going to space? No one in Europe is trying. I hope we have plans to shoot down any of China's space capsules, because they have to be up to something evil and must be stopped. Space is ours!

* Two Americans and a Russian won the Nobel Prize in Physics for their work on quantum physics. I forgot if I’ve mentioned it before, but I don’t like quantum physics. Classical physics describes everything just fine, while quantum physics is weird and wacky. I don’t care if it’s true; I just done like it.

* I’m soon going to be finishing the final draft of the novel I’ve been working on, and I may post the query letter I’m going to send to agents so you people can give me critiques. And they better be good critiques, too, because, if you readers don’t make yourselves useful, I swear I’ll find new ones.

Rating: 2.4/5 (24 votes cast)

Comments (13) | Bite-Sized Wisdom
October 06, 2003
Links of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 10:23 PM | Email This

Angelweave has moved off of blogspot, and I swear I'll update your links so stop bugging me.

Blackfive has a blogger drinker game, but I don't like the rules for me. I don't misspell word because I put my posts in Word before publishing. Trying to spot homophone mistakes would be more appropriate (I've been having trouble getting "through" vs. "threw" right on the first pass through). Also, I don't know what it is, but Frank end up as "Frnak" a lot when I type quickly. Another word I have trouble with that comes up a lot in programming is unsigned, which I often type "unisgned". Anyone else have similar difficulties?

I already mentioned it on Front Line Voices, but there is now a non-profit organization called Operation Give to help Chief Wiggles get toys to Iraqi children.

Emperor Misha I has the phone number of someone who is lonely and needs you to call.

Rating: 2.3/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (17)
Smear Tactics Gone Wild
Posted by Frank J. at 12:17 PM | Email This

I once again forgot to prep some questions for Frank Answers™, so here instead is a quickie top ten list.


10. His actual name is Arnold Smith.

9. He's ripped the tags off all his mattresses.

8. He's a killer robot from the future sympathizer.

7. He had creative control for the movie Batman & Robin.

6. For good luck before starting filming, he'll snap a hobo in two.

5. His father died in a Nazi concentration camp... by falling out of guard tower.

4. He has connections to the mafia and the Kennedy family.

3. He's Rush Limbaugh's drug dealer.

2. During the filming of Collateral Damage, he referred to John Leguizamo by a number of racial slurs... as far as they could understand what Arnold was saying.

And the number one scandalous allegation to come out about Arnold Schwarzenegger before the recall election...

In the previous election he voted for Gray Davis.

Rating: 2.2/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (11)
In My World: Total Recall 2 - This Time It's Personal
Posted by Frank J. at 07:03 AM | Email This

"Dah!" Arnold Schwarzenegger yelled as he picked up his desk and snapped it in two.

"You have to calm down," President Bush told him, "You have to expect these kind of attacks from evil people like Gray Davis."

"Woman have boobies and I like to touch them!" Arnold shouted, "Why is that wrong?"

"Hey, I don't make the laws," Bush said defensively, but then thought for a moment. "Well, I do sign them."

"And I no like Hitler!" Arnold said angrily, "Nazis are puny! I crush them! I am Ah-nuld!"

"We all know that; I wouldn't worry about it."

"By the way, thank you for coming to support me, President Bush person," Arnold stated more calmly, "You are very wise."

"Well thanks," Bush answered, "but I actually came down here to visit Disneyland." Bush's hands shot up into the air. "Pirates of the Caribbean!"

On T.V. was Cruz Bustamante giving a press conference. "It is disturbing to me that Arnold gropes women while praising Hitler," Bustamante told the press, trying to look serious and concerned.

"Dah!" Arnold screamed, crushing the T.V. with his fists. "I will kill that fat bald man! I will kill Davis too. They are puny! I will crush them! I am Ah-nuld!"

"Hey, the election is tomorrow," Bush told Arnold, "I'll tell you the same thing I told Rumsfeld: Wait until the polls close to go on a murderous rampage."

"You are a smart politician," Arnold said, "but I must go by what I know, and that is the solution to all problems is bloody vengeance!"

* * * *

"I myself would never grope women," Bustamante continued, "Why, even now, I make sure to get written permission before touching my wife. Also, I never praise Hitler on a daily basis."

A large figure in a black leather jacket and wearing sunglasses appeared before the podium. "Are you Cruz Bustamante?" he asked in a low voice.

"Uh... yes."

"You will be terminated!" Arnold shouted, grabbing Bustamante and lifting him into the air. "See brick wall over there? He your new friend. You go meet him up close and personal." Arnold then threw Bustamante so hard that he became embedded into the brick wall.

"Arnold killed Cruz Bustamante!" shouted a reporter.

Arnold turned to stare into a camera. "You are next, Davis!"

* * * *

"He's after us!" Gray Davis's aide exclaimed as he watched the T.V.

"Bah!" Davis yelled, "We will hit him with so many allegations that he will be paralyzed! No one can stop me from finishing my incompetent term as governor! No one!"

"But putting out allegations that he supports Hitler!" the aide exclaimed, "That's so extreme it's almost a self parody!"

"I say come up with even worse allegation!" Davis yelled, "Where are my loyal trolls from the Los Angeles Times?"

The slimy trolls emerged. "We are here to serve the Democratic Party, master."

"Put out a story that an unnamed source witnessed Arnold having gay sex with Satan."

"Certainly, master."

"Wait, I have an even better one," Davis said, "Allege that part of his bodybuilding routine was to make an energy shake by putting a puppy in a blender."

"That's so evil and ridiculous no one will believe it!" the aide shouted.

"Silence!" Davis screamed, "Flying monkeys take him away!"

"Noooooo!" the aide yelled as he was dragged off by the winged monkeys.

"We will go print your allegations, master," the trolls said as they left the office.

Davis then laughed evilly to himself until he was interrupted by the voice of his security officer over the intercom. "We're being assaulted by Arnold Schwarzenegger wielding a minigun!"

"That means a really small gun, right?" Davis asked.

The only response was the sound of automatic gunfire. Soon his door was kicked in and there stood Arnold. He tossed his minigun aside and said, "Instead of Gray Davis, you will now be known as `Black & Blue' Davis!"

"Ha!" Davis answered, "Everyone always underestimates me, but I'll show you!" Davis then charged Arnold and threw a punch at him. It landed with no effect.

"Dah!" Arnold shouted as he punched Davis, sending flying backwards and smashing it apart. "You are puny, Davis! I crush you! I am Ah-nuld!" He approached the wounded Davis. "You said you wanted a debate? Well now you will get to debate St. Peter on whether you are allowed through the pearly gates."

Davis held up a remote control. "If I can't be the incompetent governor of California, no one can! Muh ha ha ha!"

As Davis hit the button, Arnold jumped out of the window, plunging three stories as the governor's mansion exploded behind him.

Bush, wearing a Goofy hat, quickly ran over to help Arnold off the ground. "So is Davis really gone for good?" Bush asked.

Arnold looked to the rubble of the governor's mansion. "We will know for certain soon. I am Ah-nuld!"


Rating: 2.2/5 (21 votes cast)

Comments (17) | In My World
October 05, 2003
Don't Feel Like Coming Up with a Title
Posted by Frank J. at 03:53 PM | Email This

I have an important message for Alliance members at the Alliance blog.

Also, here is my vote for the New Blog Showcase.

Rating: 2.3/5 (14 votes cast)

October 03, 2003
State of the Blog Report
Posted by Frank J. at 07:28 PM | Email This

Now that most of the main work for Front Line Voices is done, maybe I can get back to my more regular posting. Later this weekend I'll also retire some polls and try to come up with some more, which I haven't for at least a week.

So far I've taken what I thought were the best quotes from up to the end of October 2002. I'll add more to my quote rotation later this weekend. The original reason for the exercise was to find a good quote for a new t-shirt. So far, I guess the best one is "Shut up about the second amendment or I'll shoot you." The idea is to have IMAO and my tagline on the front, and then some quote and a graphic on the back. I just want to come up with something that reflects the spirit of IMAO but is funny to someone who hasn't seen the site. Problem is, I can seem to figure out what that spirit is.

I know I've asked this a number of times, but any ideas? You people is smart.

Rating: 2.3/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (31)
Meet Tulio
Posted by Frank J. at 07:16 PM | Email This

Lou Tulio has taken the time to comment to my last seven posts. Here they are for quick reference (the f-word has been replaced with "bless" and a-holes with "ronin" to make it appropriate to children):


No, unfortunately. Just a dumb-blessed wingnut ronin.

What an unfunny story, nazi pig.

Bless you.

* * * *

You Nazi cultleader, Elvis Limbaugh has feet of clay. Don't you feel stupid, ronin?

* * * *

Why don't you all just sign up and go risk your lives in Iraq, chickenhawk blowhard cowards?

* * * *

Unfunny treasonous ronin: you are a scourge on America.

* * * *

Flightsuit Bill Whittle: Airplane mechanic with delusions of grandeur and bloated prose style.

Bless you, Bill Whittle, Nazi puppet.

* * * *

Hey Frank, Treason Apologist:

You're stupid.

Bless you.

* * * *

Go enlist, blowhards.

Time for pop psychology!

So, is Tuilio's writing a result of kneejerk anger, or did he think he would accomplish something (I assume it wasn't to entertain us as actually happened).

And what do you think he meant by treason?

Discuss amongst yourselves.

And just for future reference, no one is allowed to bad mouth Whitler on my site other than myself.

Rating: 2.4/5 (141 votes cast)

Comments (47) | I Hate Frank
Yvonne's Ashes: Part II - The Alaskan Adventure Begins
Posted by Frank J. at 10:27 AM | Email This

Previous Episode

When we first got to Alaska, we stayed for a couple days in an igloo. It was cold, and polar bears kept gnawing on the sides.

Soon my parents bought a house. It was a split-level house which my mom didn't like... but it was better than an igloo. Once you came inside, you'd have to go upstairs or downstairs or you'd be nowhere. I'd like to go downstairs because that was where our playroom was.

Dad had a job at the electric company shutting off the power of those who didn't pay their bills. Mom stayed home and made sandwiches and took care of us kids just like a mother in one of those fifty's sitcoms.

During the winter, there was lots of snow, and it was fun. Dad would get very angry on the really cold days because he wasn't allowed to shut off the power. "If people can't pay their bill, they should freeze to death!" dad would say. Dad is very wise.

I'd like to play in the snow. Me and my brother would play with Star Wars action figures. I had a Luke Skywalker in snow clothes action figure, but I lost him in the snow one day. I guess a wampa got him. Unfortunately, I didn't have the Hoth Han Solo action figure to go find him. Poor Skywalker.

One day I thought I was attacked by a wampa. It was smaller than the one in the movie and it bit me. I then looked up in a book what it was. It was a monkey... and Alaskan snow monkey!

"Daddy! Daddy! I was bit by a monkey!" I told my dad.

"Quiet, boy, I'm watching a game," my dad answered.

"There aren't any monkeys in Alaska," mom assured me, and then added under her breath, "There isn't much of anything."

I could only get my brother Joe foo' to believe me. We decided to set up a trap to get that monkey. We used our little sister as bait, the first use we ever found for her. It didn't work, though.

That night, there was a tapping on the window. It was the monkey eyeing me evilly!

"Mommy! Mommy! The monkey is back!" I cried.

"Keep your nerves together boy!" my dad answered, "We're too near the Soviets for you to be getting scared by monkeys. Keep a strong face like president Reagan."

Dad was right. We were very near the evil Soviets, and they kept invading us. They were mean and spoke in angry, funny talk. The Eskimos would use their snow powers to help fight them back, but it was quite bothersome. One day the Soviets came all the way into town, and we had to fortify our house and shoot back at them.

"Here boy, take this," my dad said, handing me the .44 magnum.

"This gun is to big for me," I said, "I want the 9mm."

"Joe already took the 9mm. Now shoot a Commie for I give you a whup'n!"

"But I don't want to fire the .44 magnum!" I screamed.

"You shoot the Commie's just like your father told you," mom yelled at me as she loaded a rifle.

I took an aim at one of the charging Soviets. When I fired the gun, it flew back and hit me in the face. Ow! That hurt! I started crying. The Soviet didn't seem to like getting shot either, but he didn't cry. He didn't do much of anything.

After we finished fighting back the Soviets, dad took us to the corner store and bought Joe and me Flintstone push-pops since were such good boys having killed Commies and all. Sarah got one too, but she didn't kill anyone. That wasn't fair.

Summer came, and it was very warm. We visited a farm were they grew cabbages. Because of all the sunlight, the cabbages were even bigger than me. It was crazy. I asked mom why we lived in such a crazy place. "Ask your father," mom said, seeming a little angry.

We also went to a park and got to eat bear meat. It was very yummy. Summer in Alaska was fun, but, as summer came to a close, it was time for me to start school, which was scary.

Rating: 2.5/5 (34 votes cast)

Comments (19) | Yvonne's Ashes
October 02, 2003
Links of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 09:47 PM | Email This

Busy busy busy...

Anyhoo, here are some links!

Meryl Yourish doesn't seem to like Quentin Tarantino, but I don't care how good her arguments are because Kill Bill is going to have samurai sword fights and lots of them. Hooray!

Fritz has a topical caption contest.

I don't get to listen to Rush that often anymore, but I really enjoyed his show. Now there is this ESPN debacle plus the allegations of illegal abuse of painkillers. I hope things turn out well for him, but it doesn't look good so far. John Hawkins is all over it.

Blackfive has his Shirley Temple awards.

At Press Think there is a critque of Front Line Voices, with special attention to the introduction. What do you think?

Rating: 2.9/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (12)
Frank Answers: Gun Threats, Traitorous Muslims, Evil KB Monkeys, and More!
Posted by Frank J. at 12:14 PM | Email This

Yay! It's back!

Jason from Ohio writes:
I live in a university campus town, surrounded by liberal democrats, so it's only a matter of time before my apartment gets broken into and my stuff gets stolen. I don't own a handgun, and would like to purchase one. What type of handgun would you suggest for someone with little handgun shooting experience (I have fired rifles)? Or is brandishing a toy gun sufficient to scare aware most liberals?

Yes, living aorund liberals can be scary, so it is good to have something to shoot them with. I had a whole series for people unfamiliar with guns, but, in short, I'd reccomend getting a .357 magnum revolver if you want something really simple.

As for brandshing a toy gun, absolutely not. Where guns are concerned, never make a threat you can't back up.

Bilbus from Pennsville, NJ (the land of stupid gun control and stupider vehicle inspections) asks:
Frank, are all US government-employed muslims, such as the Gitmo boys, terrorist infiltrators, or just the ones they catch?

Not all Muslims are traitors. Why, for every Muslim traitor that is unconvered, there is at least one to two and half Muslims who are completely loyal to America. Thus, it would be unfair to single out Muslims for closer scrutinity. So, as to not hurt their feelings, all minorities should be singled out instead.


Rob W. from Michigan writes:
I work in a mall, there is a K.B. Toys nearby. They have a monkey outside that keeps giving me the evil eye. So my question is... Should I shoot the monkey,
or firebomb K.B. Toys so that the monkeys ninja allies can not retaliate.

Definitely the firebomb. You don't want to start something with monkeys that you can't end. Snipe one, and soon you'll be surrounded by them, all of them hitting you with their tiny fists.

Oh, and when the police ask, you don't know me and I've never given you advice.

Dave F from Burlington, CT asks:
Boxers or Briefs? Coke or Pepsi? Iran or North Korea?

Boxers, Coke, and our you asking to live in, to bomb, or to conquer and rule as king?

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

Rating: 2.5/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (8) | Frank Answers
Loose Lips Fall Off Faces
Posted by Frank J. at 08:13 AM | Email This

There has been a lot of controversy about the leak of the identity of a CIA operative. This is trouble, because leaking classified information can lead to people getting killed, terrorists attacking, and the downfall of society itself - which is bad. So here are some tip to avoid leaks.


10. Use a metal safe to store classified information instead of a taped cardboard box labeled, "Secret! You no read!".

9. Even though it is kinda funny, don't hand out "I'm with covert agent" t-shirts to spouses of covert agents.

8. Instead of using the "He's got an honest face" policy, have full background check on someone before giving him classified information.

7. I don't care how nice a day it is; don't have meetings about national security out in the park.

6. Use advance methods to destroy classified documents. It doesn’t matter how much you crumple a piece of paper; there is technology to de-crumple it.

5. Remember: No one cares if you kill a journalist.

4. If you suspect someone of leaking information, hit him with a bat. There will be plenty of time for questions post assault and battery.

3. Before having a meeting which discusses sensitive information, spray the ceiling with a high-powered hose to make sure no ninjas are hiding up there.

2. If you know a bunch of undercover operatives, don't tell them to Robert Novak. Apparently he writes a column of some sort.

And the number one tip for avoid leaks of sensitive information...

You know the saying, "If I told you, I'd have to kill you."? Follow through.

Rating: 2.6/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (9)
October 01, 2003
Front Line Voices
Posted by Frank J. at 06:52 AM | Email This

Sorry to get behind on the blogging, but I'll get back to Links of the Day™ and Frank Answers™ soon.

Anyway, I'm happy to announce that the site Front Line Voices is officially launched. It's just letters from our troops with no commentary. Please help spread the word and tell anyone who might have a letter or story to submit.

UPDATE: If you need more inspiration, Whitler concidentally just put out his new essay "Power" today. Haven't had a chance to read it yet, but, if history proves anything, it will be well worth the time.

Rating: 2.9/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (8)
In My World: Boldly Going Where No White House Press Secretary Has Gone Before
Posted by Frank J. at 06:47 AM | Email This

"There was a leak about a CIA operative!" Bush said angrily, "Nothing enrages me more than leaks!" Bush turned to the man next to him who wore a black suit, tie, and sunglasses. "You're my intelligence guy, right, Clancy?"

"I can neither confirm nor deny that."

"You're kind of annoying," Bush grumbled, "Do you have any idea where the leak came from?"

"The what? I'm not sure what your talk about?" Clancy said.

"It's all over the news!" Bush shouted.

"I don't read the news."

"What do you know then?"

"Classified stuff."

"Like what?"

Clancy chuckled. "I can't tell you."

"Dammit!" Bush yelled, "What about you, Rumsfeld? You know who the leaker is?"

"If I did, wouldn't there be someone lying strangled on the ground?" Rumsfeld answered gruffly.

"True," Bush admitted. Bush then looked under the conference table. "What about you, Chinese guy with surveillance equipment hiding under the table? You seem to keep tabs on everything. You know who did the leaking?"

"No speak English," the Chinese man answered, shrugging his shoulders.

"Fair enough," Bush answered, "but I will not rest until I find out who is behind this leak! Nothing will keep me from my goal! I swear on the name of my dear departed father that... hey, what's this?" Bush picked up a newspaper. "Gen. Wesley Clark is planning on going faster than the speed of light! If he beats us to that, we'll lose the woman vote!"

Karl Rove emerged from the shadows. "I think you have become distracted by something shiny and are not making sense, President Bush."

"I'm more than not making sense, Rover!" Bush declared. He turned to Condoleezza Rice. "How close are we to going faster than the speed of light."

"According to our knowledgeable scientist," Rice answered, "That's impossible."

"Then fire them and get me some unknowledgeable scientists!" Bush demanded, "We'll show that Weasely Clark who can go warp speed!"

* * * *

Bush looked at the orb like device attached to a slingshot. "So what's the chance of this going faster than light?" Bush asked.

"According to our statistician," Condi answered, "That chance of this working can not be expressed as an actual number and instead only as an infinitesimal."

"I feel fate is with us, though," Bush said confidently, "So, are you ready, Scott."

"To report on this event?" asked Scott McClellan.

"No, you're going to ride it and confirm it goes faster than light speed. We'll shine a flashlight at the same time and you see if you can beat it."

"Why me?"

"Why me?" Bush answered back mockingly as she shoved Scott into the transporter, "Be a team player for once, Skippy."

"Why is it aimed at a wall?" Scott asked, a bit scared.

"Because the wall was built recently," Bush explained with annoyance, "If you go faster than light, you'll go back in time, and thus you'll fly forward before the wall was built. If you don't go faster than light, you'll just hit the wall. This makes the outcome obvious."

"I dunno..." Scott started to say, but was cut off as Bush shut the door on the transporter.

"Fire this baby!" Bush yelled.

The slingshot was released, and the transporter slammed right into the wall.

"That didn't look like it went faster than light at all," Bush commented.

"No, I guess not," Condi answered.

"I'm very hurt," came a weak voice from the transporter.

"Want to try again?" Condi asked.

"I'm bored of this now," Bush declared, "What were we doing before?"

"Finding the leaker."

"Oh yeah," Bush said walking off, "I bet it was the pizza boy. I can't tell Stevie anything classified without the whole pizza joint finding out."

"...help me..."

Rating: 2.6/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (11) | In My World

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