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December 18, 2003
Another Post for the Hell of It
In case you hadn't seen it before, here are 50 reasons The Lord of the Rings movies suck. My favorite is reason 13 closely followed by 14, 39, and 49.
Also, you need to order my t-shirt soon to get it in time for Christmas.
Soon means now!
December 17, 2003
I'll Let Other People Be Funny
Reader Tom Burns sent this joke in and I thought it was pretty good so I'd share:
"A War In Iraq"
December 16, 2003
Tis the Season to Be Lazy
I think I'm burnt out. I couldn't even think of the slightest funny thing to write today. Ya see, this is my last week of work before I take a two week vacation in Idaho and Utah with my family, and things are getting really busy both at work and at home. I think I better just announce a hiatus now until next year (which is the election year and should be ripe with material). That's not to say I won't be posting anything, because perhaps a muse will strike me (or give me a good pummeling), but I'm just not guaranteeing anything.
Also, while my internet access will be limited during the holiday season, I do have some plans for posting, but on a serious subject for a change (like doing some actual reporting on a news story that isn't getting much press). More details later.
Until then, have a Merry Christmas, a Chappy Chanukah, and a Kwazy Kwanza (whatever the f__k that is).
UPDATE: Oh yeah, and remember to click through my Amazon.com link on my sidebar for holiday shopping so I get money. Mmm... money.
December 15, 2003
In My World: Ace in the Hole
Rumsfeld entered the oval office, a solemn look on his face. "Mr. President, I want to warn you that first reports aren't always accurate but..."
Bush jumped up knocking over his desk in the process. "We caught Saddam didn't we?"
"We got the bastard!" Rumsfeld answered, smiling. "Found him hiding in a hole!"
"I always said we should look in holes!" Bush exclaimed. Both of them danced around the office.
Daschle now entered. "I just want to say that I'm very saddened by how... Hey! Why are you two so happy?"
"We caught Saddam, you slimy weasel!" Bush shouted with glee.
"Oh f__k!" Daschle exclaimed.
"I know!" Bush yelled, "Let's beat up Daschle in celebration!"
Rumsfeld grabbed Daschle from behind while Bush prepared to punch him. Laura Bush then walked into the room. "Why are you two beating up Daschle in a celebratory manner?" she demanded.
"We caught Saddam!" Bush answered.
"Well, golly gosh, isn't that good news," Laura said smiling, "but isn't there something better to do now that pummel Daschle... such as question Saddam?"
"You're right dear," Bush said, thinking over, "Off to Iraq once more!"
* * * *
"There was no reason to bring a turkey, dear," Laura told Bush.
"No. It's tradition," Bush protested, "When you come to Iraq, you bring a turkey. That's what we did last time."
"That's because it was Thanksgiving."
"But... uh... oh..." Bush handed the turkey over to the guard. "Here's a turkey. Where's Saddam?"
"He's waiting inside," the guard said. Bush, Laura, and Rumsfeld quickly hurried inside the cell. There stood Saddam, staring back at them defiantly.
"I well tell you fools nothing!" he shouted.
"Rummy, you can ask the first question," Bush said.
Rumsfeld lunged at Saddam. "I'll strangle you! Rarr!" The guards held Rumsfeld back.
"Jeepers!" Laura exclaimed.
"I guess he'll be the bad cop," Bush remarked and then looked to Saddam. "Now you answer my questions or we'll unrestrain Rumsfeld. What are your ties to Al Qaeda?"
"I tell you nothing, American pig dog!" Saddam shouted back defiantly.
"Have you been leading the insurgents?"
"You will get no answers from me, American dog pig!" Saddam snarled.
"Where are your WMD's?"
"You will learn nothing from me, pig American dog!"
"If two cars are eighty miles apart and heading towards each other, one going 40 mph and the other 50 mph, how long until they pass?"
"I will never tell you, dog American pig!"
"We'll see how strong your resolve is!" Bush yelled and then yanked on Saddam's mustache.
"Okay! I talk!" Saddam screamed, "They pass each other in around fifty minutes!"
"Fifty three and a third minutes, you evil dictator!" Bush shouted, "but if you show me your work, I'll give you partial credit!"
"Bah! I spit at your partial credit!" Saddam returned defiantly.
"This is getting us nowhere!" Rumsfeld objected, "Let's just skip to the discussion of what we do with his corpse."
"But I'm not dead," Saddam objected.
Bush backhanded Saddam. "Shut up!"
"I say we cut him into four pieces and place each piece at the four corners of the world as a warning to others," Rumsfeld offered.
"I say we give him a taste of his own medicine," Bush said, "and bury him in a mass grave... a mass grave of one!"
"You will do nothing to me, Junior Bush!" Saddam yelled, "I curse you to be a one-termer like your father!"
"You take that back!" Bush exclaimed, lunging at Saddam as the guards tried to restrain him back.
"I think we should let the Iraqis deal with him," Laura said, "They're the ones who have been most harmed by him."
"But that mean man tried to kill my daddy!" Bush objected, "I want to murder him dead myself."
"You have to put other's needs above your own, dear," Laura said.
Saddam made a whipping sound.
"That' enough out of you!" Bush said, "Maybe we could just exile him to France."
"Please, no!" Saddam pleaded, "Be merciful, younger Bush! Just a bullet to the head!"
"I think that's for the Iraqi people to decide," Laura stated.
"As always, dear, you're very smart and don't smell like a monkey," Bush said, and then looked to Saddam, "Unlike certain evil dictators I know." He turned back to Rumsfeld and Laura. "Since that’s decided, let's get something to eat. I hear they just opened a new McDonald's franchise down the street. It's like a regular McDonald's in America, but, to adapt to the local culture, everyone working there has a bushy mustache."
* * * *
"I'm sure you have a lot of questions about the Medicare bill," White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan said, "So let's get started."
"Actually, all of our questions are about the capture of Saddam Hussein, actually," stated one reporter.
"Well, we hope to find him soon, but it's a large country and locating him could take time," Scott answered.
"But you did locate him," a reporter said, "Bush is over there questioning him now."
"What?" Scott exclaimed, confused, "We caught him?"
"Yeah, on Saturday."
"So how are we going to execute him?" asked Fox News reporter Melinda Hawkish, "And will the video of his execution have audio so we can hear his screams?"
"I had to hear about this from the press! That bastard!" Scott exclaimed, ignoring the question.
"So you know less than us?" asked a reporter.
"If that's possible, yes," Scott said irately.
"So what do you think is the president's stance on this?"
Scott rolled his eyes. "I think he's happy... so happy he didn't think to tell his Press Secretary. Do we have any non-Saddam questions that I might be able to answer?"
"I have some about the Barney Christmas video," said a reporter.
"Super," Scott answered, and then grumbled to himself, "Let's talk about that stupid terrier."
"My favorite part was when Barney was playing cards with Ari Fleischer," giggled one reporter, "I miss him."
December 14, 2003
We Like Totally Captured Saddam!
We got the bastard!
Congratulations to the fighting men and women in Iraq and to the Iraqi people.
Consolations to the press and to the Democrats. I guess you can use the line, "Well, you still don't have Osama!" but I'm not sure how well that will go over (I'd probably punch you).
Like Saddam, General Douchebaggery must be defeated!
Expect an In My World™ on the topic of Saddam's capture tomorrow.
UPDATE: LOL! "Ace in the hole." -Brit Hume
UPDATE 2: Our military kicks ass.
December 12, 2003
The Misadventures of Howie and Skeeter
Apparently the Bush administration is focusing on Howard Dean as being the challenge in the 2004 election, so I think I should to. Instead of just using my parody skills to forward my own agenda, I thought I might try and find some real news about Howard Dean. Ends up I found out through an FBI contact (don't ask) that there had been constant monitoring of Howard Dean and his friend Richard Robertson throughout the seventies because of suspicion of their involvement with a Columbian drug ring (which ended up being hardly true at all). Here are some select excerpts from the transcripts.
* * * *
Feburary 11, 1970. Subjects Howard "Howie" Dean and Richard "Skeeter" Robertson are at Dean's home.
Howie: Dude, I'm like bored.
Skeeter: I know, dude. What can we do?
Howie: I dunno; I was asking you, dude.
Skeeter: Well, there is like a war in Vietnam going on. We could go help out with that.
Howie: Dude, that sounds hard. And my back hurts.
Skeeter: Well... we could go skiing.
* * * *
March 23, 1970. Subjects Howard "Howie" Dean and Richard "Skeeter" Robertson are at a meeting in an abandoned warehouse.
Howie: Dude, we're like totally going to be agents for the KGB.
Skeeter: I know, dude. Communism is like so cool and capitalism like totally sucks.
Howie: Dude, that is so true.
Unidentified KGB Agent: So are you two ready to spy against America for mother Russia?
Skeeter: Yeah, we totally want to help, Commie dude.
Agent: Remember, you must never be discovered, though. If you are captured, you must take these cyanide pills.
Skeeter: Whoa! Cyanide like totally sucks.
Howie: I don't think I do this, Commie dude. My back like... hurts.
Skeeter: I know! Let's go skiing instead!
* * * *
June 7, 1970. Subjects Howard "Howie" Dean and Richard "Skeeter" Robertson are at a meeting at the local college.
Howie: We're like totally going to be Islamic extremists!
Skeeter: Totally, dude! Hey, what are they chanting death to?
Howie: America, dude. America totally sucks and we're going to bomb it, dude.
Howie: Hey, what's with all this praying towards Mecca, dude? Like, what happens if someone blindfolds you, spins you around, and then it's time to pray towards Mecca? What do you do?
Skeeter: Dude! You'd be like totally screwed!
Unidentified Mullah: So are you two ready to strike against the infidels?
Skeeter: Infidels like suck.
Mullah: Here are your suicide bombing targets.
Howie: Awesome. Let's... Whoa! Was there a "suicide" with that "bombing"?
Mullah: You will become martyrs and receive 72 virgins in heaven.
Skeeter: But what if you want women with more experience?
Howie: Uh, Islam dude, my back like hurts. I don't think I can do this. It was all Skeeter's idea to come here anyway.
Skeeter: I just wanted to hit on hot Islam chicks.
Howie: You can't even tell if they are hot, dude; they're wearing veils.
Skeeter: Whatever, dude. Why don't we go skiing?
* * * *
November 17, 1970. Subjects Howard "Howie" Dean and Richard "Skeeter" Robertson are at a bank at midnight.
Howie: Dude, we are totally like henchman for the Riddler.
Skeeter: And we like totally robbed a bank, dude.
Howie: And Batman will never find out because the Riddler leaves riddles and they are like totally hard.
Skeeter: If he didn't leave riddles at all, then there would be like even less chance of Batman finding us, dude.
Howie: Shut up, dude. What do you know about being a super-criminal?
Riddler: Are you two ready? Batman has found us.
Howie: I'm totally ready, riddle dude.
Skeeter: Doesn't like Batman kick and stuff, dude?
Howie: You worry too much, dude. We have like guns.
Skeeter: Dude! There's Batman! Let's shoot him!
Howie: Whoa! He like totally threw some throwing things at me and knocked the gun from my hand, dude.
Skeeter: He did that to me too, dude.
Batman: Time to taste justice, scumbags.
Howie: Whoa, Bat-dude, I like can't fight you because... uh... my back like hurts.
Skeeter: Hey, let's go skiing instead, dude.
December 11, 2003
I Don't Like Terrorists
I can't think of anything funny to say. Maybe I'm running out of funny for the year. I could rant about something... but what's something I don't like?
Oh yeah - terrorists!
WHY I DON'T LIKE TERRORISTS
Terrorists make me angry. They try to get their message across by blowing up people and hurting them which is bad. Why can't they get their message across like me and just write in a blog? Maybe they are illiterate. Fine, then maybe blowing themselves up is their only way to communicate, but why can't they do it in a safe environment instead of around other people? It's wrong to hurt other people. Some say Allah told them to hurt people; well maybe then they should stop listening to Allah. Anyone who is trying to get you to hurt people you should stay away from.
Maybe instead of terrorism they could get a hobby like stamp collecting. Maybe they wouldn't be so angry if they put all their attention into collecting stamps. Or coins. Doesn't sound that interesting to me, but some people seem to like it. Also, when they get angry, instead of terrorism, punch a pillow. Also, they could stop keeping explosives around so they don't get tempted.
And what do terrorists have against the Jews? Did the Jews make fun of them when the terrorists were little? Still, that's no excuse to eradicate people. Maybe instead of eradicating Jews they could eradicate monkeys. I hear there are monkeys in the Middle East, and I bet that a lot of things that they blamed on the Jews were actually because of monkeys. Especially if the problem was someone stealing their sugar. Monkeys like sweet things. Jews like bagels.
Anyway, terrorists need to learn to be nicer or we'll have our Marines kill them all. The end.
UPDATE: If you know anyone who also doesn't like terrorists, buy him or her this t-shirt for Christmas. Hooray.
December 10, 2003
Know Thy Enemy: Howard Dean
I feel a little burnt out on In My World™ right now, so I decided to do a different post today. Though I know you shouldn't count your doves before they hatch, it's looking more and more likely that Howard Dean, the angry peacenik, is going to be the Democrat nomination for president. Thus, I've decided to do something useful for a change and have my crack research staff do some muckraking on him. Here is what they found:
FUN FACTS ABOUT HOWARD DEAN
* He always cheats at Scrabble.
* Is governor of Vermont, and I hear there are some gay people there.
* Has a bit of an anger problem. Once, when the copier jammed at his campaign headquarters, he beat his entire staff with a metal stapler.
* He has gotten both the support of Al Gore and the entire Borg collective.
* Al Gore decided to support Howard Dean when he found out that Liberman is a Joooo! Apparently, Liberman never mentioned that he was religious during the 2000 campaign.
* Was once stopped for suspicion of drunk driving, and then a dead hooker was found in his trunk. Due to some technicalities in his arrest, the only charge that stuck was that he wasn't wearing his seatbelt.
* He still doesn't wear his seatbelt.
* Was the basis for the movie Howard the Duck.
* The reason he was so against the war in Iraq is that Saddam was his college roommate.
* If elected president, plans to put a hotline on his desk that directly connects to France so, in a crisis, he can always ask them what to do.
* At every campaign stop, an orphanage mysteriously catches fire.
* Is actually the alter-ego of Aquaman’s arch-nemesis, Black Manta.
* Plans to be the surrenderenest president ever.
* Was seen rooting for the Soviet in Rocky IV.
* He completely dishonors Bushido, the way of the samurai.
* Plans to raise taxes to fund his weather control machine so he can take over the world. Not even Aquaman will be able to stop him.
* Has lots of stock in Al Qaeda (symbol ALQ), and would lose a lot of money if they were ever defeated.
* Is always threatening to cut people, but claims that's just because he's a doctor.
* The only reason he supports gun rights is to confuse those of us who want to label him a complete liberal. Damn you!
December 09, 2003
And Now a Word for Our Sponsors...
I just wanted to say thanks again to the sponsors of IMAO. Of course, you've probably seen the banner up top for the calendar by G. Gordon Liddy. It's got women and guns; what else do you need?
Also check out Poplish on the sidebar. It's a neat idea about getting paid for writing, and the FAQ is entertaining.
Also, I'm a big supporter of Netflix (check the link under the ad on the sidebar for what I have to say). If it's on DVD, they have it - even the obscure foreign films with blind samurai in them. And there is never any wait for me on getting the new releases either. I get $9 buck if you click through my link and sign up for a free two week trial, so give them a look see.
There is, of course, my Amazon.com sidebar. If you're planning on shopping at Amazon anyway (which is a good way to beat the holiday crowds), click through the ad on my page and I'll get a percentage of everything you spend. It's a nice way of saying thanks to me, your favorite Frank J., without costing you anything extra.
One more plug. Lars Walker was nice enough yesterday to talk to my writing group (in which I am continuing to work on my novel). He had previously sent me Wolf Time and The Year of the Warrior. I haven't had a chance to read them yet because of my busy schedule, but I plan to this holiday and then have a literary review so I'll seem edu-mo-cated. Anyway, I've heard from others his writing is great and he just released a new book this month, Blood and Judgment. Also, he reads this site, so he has to be a genius.
Oh, and I have a t-shirt for sale too. Order now so you'll get it before Christmas!
Bite-Sized Wisdom: En-Gore-sment, Bombing Other Countries for Our Own Good, Mutant Pets, and I Am the Last Samurai
* Al Gore is going to endorse Howard Dean. "According to the analysis of my sensors, Howard Dean is the best candidate," Gore-Bot said. He then added, "Destroy! Destroy!" while flailing his arms widely.
* North Korea says they'll put a freeze on its nuclear weapons program if we take them off the list of terrorist supporting nation and provide fuel aid. I say we retain our usual "Do as we say or we'll kill you" stance.
* Instrument data showed that radiation on Mars in "unlikely" to be fatal to a human. So who wants to test it out? Show of hands?
* You know that song from the South Park movie "Blame Canada"? I was thinking, wouldn't that would be an interesting idea to employ right after 9/11. We get a terrorist attack, we bomb Canada. It doesn't matter if they are responsible; if they know they'll get bombed by us if there is a terrorist attack, then they'll make it job number one to protect us from terrorism. In the same vein, we could maybe bomb France if our economy has a downturn, making it their interest to make sure we're always in prosperity. America is a big and important country, so I think it's a great idea to have other countries handle some of our problems for us. We can call this "Delegation Through Bombing".
* A poll shows that teenagers are more conservative than their parents. "I'm going to pray in school and not abort my baby, and I don't care what my parents say," declares some teenage punk. Teenagers!
* Bio-engineered pets are now on sale (except for California, which usually likes anything freakish). Right now, it's just neon zebra-fish of which the chance of them overtaking humanity is relatively small, but, if we continue on with this pet-engineering, we'll soon have elephants the size of dogs, gerbils the size of bears, and dogs the size of other dogs that they normally wouldn't be the size of. It's crazy!
* Actually, I'd still rather have a regular 'ole dog than a dog-size elephant. Actually, I'd have my dog chase the little elephant. "Run, you long-nosed freak! Run as fast as your stubby little legs can carry you! Ha ha ha!"
* In monkey news, monkeys are lobbying to be bioengineered next. They want to be super-intelligent, shoot lasers out their eyes, and be able to stare at someone and cause his head to explode just like a Scanner. They say they'll only use these powers to be more cute and cuddly, but I don't trust them!
* The Secret Service is going to interview Eminem for a song in which he allegedly wishes the president dead. Eminem, please don't kill the president; kids look up to you.
* I saw The Last Samurai over the weekend (and on a digital projector, too) and it was a great movie. It had lots of authentic samurai action plus a random ninja attack. The only good movie quality it lacked was female frontal nudity. I give it four stars out of five.
* That's enough wisdom for now. Remember to drink your milk and stay in school.
December 08, 2003
In My World: The Axis of Evil Strikes Back Part 3
"Kegger party," Dick Cheney answered, "What's it look like, dingus?"
"Is this appropriate while the president is in danger?" Scott asked.
"Who invited the dweeb?" inquired an obviously drunk Donald Rumsfeld.
"Not me," answered Condi as she threw back a jello shot. "Skippy, don't you have some idiotic questions to answers from the press?"
"I think we all have jobs to do such as..." Scott started to say, but was interrupted by a thrown beer bottle.
* * * *
"Ninjas can't dodge buckshot, can they?" Bush asked as he inspected his shotgun by looking down the barrel.
"So say the ancient texts," Zatoichi answered.
"How could you know?" Bush chuckled, "You couldn't have read them, Blindy."
In the blink of an eye, Ichi's sword was drawn and resheathed. Then Bush's tie fell off.
"Man, my tie budget has doubled since hiring you," Bush complained.
"Shouldn't we call an entire force to take out the robot ninjas?" Buck the Marine asked.
"The press will call me a wimp if I can't handle a bunch of robot ninjas by myself," Bush answered, "except for the help of one Marine... and a blind samurai... Oh! And a robot fueled by the soul of a dead general."
"All must die," Robo-Patton said in his deep, heavily synthesized voice.
"That's the spirit!" Bush exclaimed.
"We are near the ninja hideout," Ichi said, "I feel much ninja-ness about."
"Sometimes I wonder if you're just full of it, Ichi," Bush stated irately.
"Ha ha! You would never know," Ichi chuckled.
"I bet they're in that foreboding building ahead," Buck said.
"Let's kill the sonafabitches!" Robo-Patton yelled as he charged forward.
"You're the strategerist," Bush said following.
The four of them entered the building, but didn't see anything. Suddenly, bright lights went on blinding nearly everyone except Ichi. "Is it the ninjas?" Buck asked.
"Worse," Bush answered, "it's the press."
"You said there would be evidence of a quagmire here," said one of the reporters.
"Patient, my willing pawns," answered the haunted portrait of Chairman Mao.
Now the robot ninjas surrounded Bush, Buck, Ichi, and Robo-Patton. "That's some good quagmire!" exclaimed one of the reporters filming the event.
"Man, this couldn't get any worse," Bush sighed. Suddenly he felt a bite on his shoulder. "Ahh!" he screamed, "It's Chim-Chim, the evilest monkey! Get him off! Get him off!" He looked to Buck. "What do I do when there is a monkey on my back?"
"I think you're supposed to stop, drop, and roll," Buck answered.
Bush dropped to the floor and rolled. "Robo-Patton you take care of the ninjas," he ordered. "Buck you kill the press. Ichi, you stab the monkey on my back."
"I don't know if I'm supposed to kill the press," Buck answered.
The ninjas attacked, but Robo-Patton opened on them with his gattling guns. "Kill! Kill! Kill!" Robo-Patton yelled.
"Foolish American robot general!" the portrait of Chairman Mao shouted. Beams of pure Commie evil then shot out of his eyes, knocking Robo-Patton down.
"Yay! More quagmire!" yelled one of the press.
"I hate art!" Buck exclaimed, firing at the portrait.
Mao just laughed. "Your puny weapons are no match for Commie evil! Kill, ninjas! Kill!"
Ichi pried Chim-Chim off Bush with his cane. Bush then grabbed Chim-Chim and threw him. "Ee ee!"Chim-Chim yelled as he flew out the window.
"What's our status?" Bush asked.
"Robo-Patton can't fight back while that Mayo guy is keeping him down," Buck answered.
Bush flicked the cap off of a Sharpie with his thumb. "He's mine!"
* * * *
"So is there any way to spin this as a quagmire?" asked the anchorman.
"I'm afraid not," answered CNN's Lefty Stevens, "Bush and Robo-Patton soundly defeated all the ninjas. As much as I tried, I can't spin this as a defeat for him."
"But there could be more quagmire in the future, right?" the anchorman asked hopefully.
"Maybe," Stevens answered not too assuringly.
Bush turned off the T.V. "Hooray!" he exclaimed, "Evil is defeated once again!" He then looked around the White House. "What happened here?"
"Teenagers broke in and vandalized the place," Cheney answered.
Bush shook his fist in the air. "Teenagers!"
Laura now entered holding a trophy. "Well, this place is going to need a good cleaning, by golly."
"Hey, honey," Bush said, "Did you keep yourself busy while I was gone?"
"I did a few things here and there."
"Hey, that's a nice trophy you have there," Bush remarked.
"It's... uh... for winning the pecan pie baking contest," Laura answered.
"Then why does it say, 'Ultimate Fighting Championship' on it?" Bush inquired.
"Well, you know how they like to hype those pie baking contests, by golly," Laura answered with a nervous smile.
Bush nodded his head knowingly. "They're nothing but politics; that's why I stay out of them."
"We have communications from Robo-Patton," Condi stated.
"Are you busy leading the troops in Iraq?" Bush asked Robo-Patton.
"No. I've decided to finally do as I've always said and storm right into China."
"That was MacArthur who wanted to do that," Bush told him.
"Whatever," Robo-Patton shot back, "Now leave me be as I weave a path of destruction."
"Okay. Have fun." Bush turned off the radio.
"He's going to slaughter countless people in his insane pursuit," Condi stated, "What should we do?"
Bush looked at his watch. "Well, it's about lunchtime - let's order pizza. What toppings does everyone want?"
"I like sausage," Scott said.
"You would like sausage," Bush chuckled. Everyone else laughed too.
"I hate you guys," Scott grumbled.
* * * *
The mood at the meeting of the Axis of Evil was dire.
"Ooh ooh! Ee ee!" Chim-Chim swore in revenge.
"Bush may have defeated us this time," the haunted portrait of Chairman Mao said, "but he has not seen the last of us! Muh ha ha ha!"
Everyone else laughed evily too, but then Saddam finally asked Mao, "Did someone draw glasses, a mustache, and buckteeth on you?"
"There is no reason to draw attention to it!"
December 07, 2003
December 05, 2003
A Post Delayed is a Post Denied
My site was down this morning so I wasn't able to write up an exciting conclusion to "In My World: The Axis of Evil Strikes Back"... which is fine actually since I hadn't come up with an exciting conclusion and was afraid of it becoming lame. Anyway, it will be delayed until Monday and hopefully I can come up with something funny by then. Until then, I'll see if I have time to write something up by lunch time.
Make sure to tell your friends and family about IMAO. The readership drive is still on and right now the average is only just over 3,000. It's a long way to go to 10,000, but I know you can do it!
And all you female IMAO fans who wanted small, you should have voiced you concerns earlier. The t-shirts are already printing. There were barely any mediums for the Nuke the Moon one, so I thought I'd please everyone by just demanding more of those. I'm sorry if I was wrong :(
December 04, 2003
Like You Need a Reason
I don't know if I mentioned it, but I have a new t-shirt out that's informative about terrorism. If you're still on the fence about getting one, I'll not only give you ten reasons to buy one, I'll give you the top ten reasons to buy one.
TOP TEN REASONS TO BUY THE "KNOW THY ENEMY: TERRORISTS" T-SHIRT
10. If terrorists see you wear one, they'll know you're wise to them so they'll instead terrorize the people next to you.
9. Buying my t-shirt helps the American economy... especially for me.
8. You can enjoy the confused stares from people wondering, "What in God's name is 'IMAO'?"
7. You help inform your citizens about terrorism by wearing one, thus performing a public service and making the t-shirt tax-deductible (I haven't actually verified that with a lawyer; someone try deducting it and tell me if you get audited).
6. Dark color allows you to hide in the shadows in case of ninja attack.
5. Now when people point and laugh at you, you can convince yourself its just because they're enjoying the humor on your t-shirt thus saving money on expensive therapy.
4. You can never have too many t-shirts... NEVER!
3. Quality cotton construction protects you from monkey bites.
2. Betting money says you don't already have a t-shirt with the phrase "carpet bombing" on it.
And the number one reason to buy the "Know Thy Enemy: Terrorists" IMAO t-shirt...
I told you to.
Frank Answers: Medium T-Shirt, Buck's Rank, Nuking France, and Married to a Liberal
Andrew Johnston from Abbotsford, B.C.:
By the way, you capitalist swine, don't you dare tell me to buy one of each! I know that trick, and it won't work! That would truly break my bank account, and I'm a poor college student just looking to buy a top-quality shirt.
The t-shirts from ThoseShirts.com are certainly top quality, but it's hard for me to say how big a medium is. It's bigger than the small (which we don't offer) and smaller than the large.
Don't they have medium t-shirts in Canada for you to reference, or are there only hockey jerseys in clothing stores?
I once asked my brother, Joe foo' the Marine, what rank he thought Buck was, but I forgot the answer. If Joe is reading this, maybe he could answer in the comments section. Also, maybe he could finally send me the pictures for the Peace Gallery and from his wedding, the lazy bastard.
Buck has a medal for kill'n for'ners above and beyond the call of duty.
I'm sure our military has calculated exactly how many nukes it should take to obliterate France, and I'd say use that many times two. We have to make sure we nuke France proper because we'll be setting an example that future generations will learn from.
You don't need to blast your husband, but you should browbeat him to the point that he's too intimidated to ever express an opinion of his own. Most women I've known seem to be good at that.
* * * *
Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.
Know Thy Enemy: Liberals
Since terrorists are already covered, by popular demand I sent my crack research team to find out what they can about liberals.
FUN FACTS ABOUT LIBERALS
* Liberals hate people who are not open minded. Open minded is defined as thinking just like they think (otherwise you're evil).
* The major diet of the liberal is tofu and granola. This makes them weak and easy to pick up and throw.
* Liberals love to spend other people's money. If you see a liberal, it's okay to take his money because it probably wasn't his anyway.
* Liberals have an irrational fear of firearms. If you want to scare a liberal, point a gun at him.
* The whine of the North American liberal can often be mistaken for the sound of a screech owl. The main difference is that the liberal's whine will also have a nauseating effect.
* Liberals love socialism and want to socialize all businesses. If you see a liberal coming towards your business, throw a stick at him before he can socialize it.
* Liberals tend to congregate on college campuses as it is a safe haven for their idiotic ideas, protecting them from scrutiny. Thus, avoid college at all costs.
* Liberals are invulnerable to reason and logic. They are vulnerable to firearms, knives, and the bitch slap.
* Liberals hate America and love more oppressed people... like evil dictators.
* Much like the duck, it's illegal to shoot a liberal who is floating in a lake.
* Liberals will try to entice you with their twisted logic. If that doesn't work, they'll bite you.
* Hanging a picture of Ronald Reagan over your door will keep liberals from entering.
* Liberals come in two main varieties: intellectual and mental patient. You can only distinguish between the two by noting whether their jacket has sleeves.
* If you see a fuel-efficient car, it's probably being driven by a liberal. Run it off the road with your SUV.
* Liberals are always trying to save the environment because they are apparently dependent on it. If you want to kill all liberals, destroy the environment.
* Even if you satisfy liberals’ demands, they'll come up with new thing to complain about that you could never even imagine; they’re just that creative. That creativity is put towards much better use as forced labor in a coal mine.
* Liberals are always whining about tolerance, but, when I punch them for that, they get moody. Hey, be tolerant!
* You can tell if someone is a liberal by extracting some blood and seeing if it reacts violently to fire.
* Sorry, that previous item is how you find out if someone is the Thing. It's a good thing to check for that too, though.
* Some liberals still think Communism is good. I guess we should threaten them with nuclear missiles just like we did the Soviets.
* In a fight between Aquaman and liberals, liberals would have Aquaman fined for disturbing the habitat of endangered fish. He would then sulk about it to the great annoyance of the Aquawife.
* Liberals like to sympathize with terrorists. Keep them away from Gitmo, or there will be nothing but sympathizing.
* I've heard vicious rumors that liberals also like the French, but that might just be slander against liberals.
December 03, 2003
Make Frank Rich and Famous
It's soon time to start the make Frank rich and famous club. First, I need a cool name for it. Then I need benefits for members. One will be that when I'm rich and famous, I'll give you proof that you know someone rich and famous, which will include getting and e-mail from the great Frank J. (as I will one day be known). Also, if target dates are met, there will be greater benefits, such as if I become rich and famous by the end of next year, everyone is invited to a yacht party (when I have a yacht). Please put suggestions for benefits in the comment section. When things get started up, I'll start a page of everyone in the make Frank rich and famous club (people who will one day have a powerful friend).
As for the readership drive, the poll says a zillion should be the target, but I think I'll go with the one that got the second most votes that is an actual number: 10,000. 10,000 happens to be a nice round number, and, if I can reach it, then I'll better be able to get the intellectual book I'm working on published by showing I already have a base of readers. Thus, getting more readers is key to my richness and famousness.
So, what are the benefits of me being rich and famous? I'll tell you:
* Having someone rich and famous who writes for the blogosphere will bring more attention to blogs in general. People will say, "Hey, if someone rich and famous reads blogs, then I should too."
* Currently the blogosphere has a dearth of perspectives from rich and famous people.
* The annoying opinions of other celebrities will be replaced with my more entertaining opinions. "Frankly, other than as a harpoon target, I've never understood the purpose of a whale."
* If I become famous enough, maybe I'll draw some wrath away from the Jews.
ISLAMIC EXTREMIST 1: This is all because of the joooos... and somewhat because of Frank.
* Being rich, I'll be able to have even more disdain for the poor from my high perch. The poor need more disdain to motivate them.
* I can buy a Senate seat like Corizine (well, next year I'll turn old enough to buy a House of Representatives seat). If elected, I'll not care about reelection and punch anyone in the opposing party who mouths off to me.
* I'll be happy. Don't you want me to be happy?
Daily Buy My T-Shirt Reminder - Doggy Style
For my daily reminded to by my t-shirt, I took a previous entreaty and placed it in the Snoop Dogg Shizzolator. Here are the results (caution: contains the phrase "shiznit"):
I just looked at how many muthas has pre-ordered my t-shirt 'n compared that shiznit wit da population of da world 'n has come da conclusion that not everyone has pre-ordered my t-shirt yet, know what I'm sayin'? What is wrong wit yo' ass? Do yo' ass not recognize a bomb diggity deal when yo' ass see one?
Yo' ass buy now!
Me... Overrated! I'll Kill You All!
The Annual Right Wing News Warblogger awards are in, and the results are here.
My archnemesis Scrappleface cleaned my clock for funniest blog (I knew I shouldn’t have voted for him), but I tied for tenth overall while he tied for fourteenth.
I also placed third for overrated! There are IMAO haters out there, and I'll have to hunt them down when I'm rich and famous.
On other notes, everyone misses Rachel Lucas as much as me and, for some reason, people think Kim du Toit and Emperor Misha I are annoying. Inoperable Terran got deserved mention in best linker. Instapundit once again won best overall and most overrated.
In My World: The Axis of Evil Strikes Back Part 2
Condoleezza Rice rolled her eyes. "Well, in the present day, we fight wars using androids possessed by the spirits of long dead generals." She looked over the giant robot with ivory accents. "Such power. He can stick his hand into another man's face and turn into a pile of goo. Hopefully he won't go on an insane killing spree this time, though." She hit some buttons on a console and reactivated Robo-Patton. "Robo-Patton," Condi called out, "Your objectives are to follow your orders and only kill whomever fall under your mission parameters. Please repeat your objectives."
"My objectives are to follow my orders," Robo-Patton responded in a deep synthesized voice, "and only kill whomever fall under my mission parameters... and whomever else I feel like killing."
Condi shrugged her shoulders. "Close enough."
* * * *
"All these rumors about Iraq and the president being stuck in some sort of 'robot ninja' quagmire are unfounded," White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan told the press.
"So is he actually in Iraq?" asked a reporter.
"No... uh... he's resting in the White House," Scott answered.
"Then why won't he come out?"
"He... uh... um... thought he saw a bear and decided to stay inside where it is safe. Any more questions?"
There was a pause while the press thought things over. "Is that a giant robot standing behind you?"
"Oh yeah; I forgot to mention Robo-Patton," Scott said, slapping his head. "He'll be leading the troops in Iraq now to fight the robot-nin... I mean terrorists."
"Isn't this the same robot who went on an insane killing spree in Berkely?" asked a skeptical reporter.
"Yeah... uh... but he's changed now... or something," Scott answered.
"Robo-Patton, do you think the war in Iraq is an unnecessary quagmire?" a reporter asked the robot.
"Quagmire does not computer," Robo-Patton answered. "Your question has bothered me." Robo-Patton then let loose a mighty slap that took the reporter's head clean off. "All your questions annoy me." Robo-Patton's arms turned into gattling guns. He then opened fire, killing the entire press corp.
Scott stared at the carnage in shock. "Uh oh."
Rumsfeld and Condi now walked out. "Did you see how quickly he killed them all?" Condi asked smiling.
"Beats my record," Rumsfeld said.
"Uh... aren't there laws against killing reporters?" Scott asked, looking at Robo-Patton warily who still scanned with his glowing blue eyes for more enemies to anhilate.
"'Aren't there laws against killing reporters'", Rumsfeld mimicked in a high-pitch voice. "Aren't you Mr. Goody-Two-Shoes?"
"I desire more destruction," Robo-Patton announced.
Condi smiled. "I think you're ready for Iraq."
* * * *
"Zatoichi," Bush whispered, "Do you see any robot ninjas out there?"
Ichi groaned. "All I can see is your idiocy."
"Those robot ninjas don't play fair," Buck complained, "They won't get shot or stabbed or nothing."
"And now we're stuck hiding in some cave like some common bin Laden," Bush added. He then peered out the cave entrance. Not seeing anything, he threw out a rock. It was immediately struck in the air by a throwing star.
"I think they're still out there," Bush whispered.
Suddenly they could hear rapid gunfire and explosions. "What's that?" Bush exclaimed.
"Sound like..." Buck's eyes then lit up. "War!" He then ran out of the cave.
"Careful, Buck!" Bush called out. The sounds of violence died down. "You out there, Buck?" Bush asked.
"Yeah, and there's a robotic, World War II general out here," Buck answered.
Bush came out of the cave. "Eisenhower?" he asked excitedly. He then saw the robot. "Aww... it's just Robo-Patton."
"Who is your third friend," Robo-Patton demanded, "He looks Japanese."
"The Japanese are our allies now," Bush explained, "Instead of being obsessed with warmonger, they're now obsessed with excessively violent, porn filled cartoons."
"Is this true?" Robo-Patton asked.
Ichi shrugged his shoulders. "I've never seen one."
"So are you here to save me?" Bush asked Robo-Patton.
"I am not programmed to save," he answered, "I am only programmed to kill."
"Well, it will be an honor to work with you," Buck stated, "My grandpappy, Jebediah the Marine, always talked about how you led America to kill'n many a for'ner."
"But there are still foreigners left to kill," Robo-Patton answered. "My mission is to find and destroy the robot ninjas."
"Ninjas always have secret hideout," Ichi stated, "If we can find it and destroy it, then the ninjas will be defeated."
"I hate secret hideouts," Bush grumbled, "They're the hardest hideouts to find."
* * * *
"Know who I blame, Mohammed?"
"I dunno, Mohammed; who do you blame?"
"Me too! But know what? I know this guy from Pakistan who sometimes blames the Hindus."
"What? Doesn't he know about the Jooos?"
Suddenly a giant figure crashed through the ceiling of the terrorist hideout.
"Ah! It's imperialist, American robot general!" one yelled who was probably named Mohammed.
In under a second, all the terrorists in the room were killed with gattling guns except for one whom Robo-Patton grabbed by the neck.
Bush, Buck, and Ichi now entered the building. "Damn, that's some mighty for'ner kill'n!" Buck exclaimed.
"Where is the robot ninja hideout?" Robo-Patton demanded to the terrorist.
"It's to the north!" the terrorist squealed.
"You are of no more use to me." Robo-Patton said, and then threw the terrorist up into the air. Next, he launched a missile, blowing the man to bits.
"I always wanted to do that," Buck said, "but I thought it was against the Geneva convention."
Robo-Patton headed out of the building. "The Geneva convention does not compute."
* * * *
Unseen, two red, glowing eyes watched the group as they left the terrorist hideout.
"Yes, capitalist fools; head right into my trap. Soon, you will be begging for death! Muh ha ha ha!”
“Ee ee ee!” added Chim-Chim, the evilest monkey.
December 02, 2003
Frank Answers: Green Party, Alien Drivers, and Why Now?
Yay! Frank Answers™!
No. To win elections, Greens have to make sure we hear about every single tree that falls in the forest and then care about it... and we won't.
Damn dirty trees can rot in hell for all I care. We have plastics and metals which are superior building materials to wood, and nice grass fields gives us plenty of oxygen. Forests are useless and should all fall and be unheard.
Dave F. from Burlington, CT writes:
Space aliens come to kill us, and it's too hard to hit pedestrians with a spaceship.
Because I like money. I'm a freank'n capitalist; what do you want from me? Oh yeah, I forgot to mention it today - BUY MY SHIRT! They should be ready well before Christmas and are a perfect gift for anyone you know who doesn't like terrorists.
* * * *
Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.
Frank the Intellectual
As part of my effort to become rich and famous, I'm trying to write a book that does a scientific analysis of the left and why they "think" like they do. Here is a sample of what I have so far:
A Brief History of the Left
It’s impossible to talk about the history of liberals without also talking about the history of conservatives. The first right/left split occurred probably about 20,000 B.C. when caveman were happy killings things and painting about it on their cave walls. One day, though, a caveman suggested that maybe they should find kinder, gentler ways of getting food than killing bison and instead paint pictures that promote caveman/bison tolearance.
He was promptly beaten to death, as was the custom of the time.(1)
Now, the dead caveman is what we now know as a liberal, someone who proposes a wacky idea, and the ones who beat him to a pulp are conservatives, vanguards of sanity.(2)
Now, the ways conservatives dealt with wacky liberals has progressed a lot throughout the years from the simple beating; later on liberals were stabbed and then, as society advanced, shot. You’d think from that progression, today we’d disintegrate liberals with some sort of ray gun(3), but instead we now have decided it is wrong to deal with people with idiotic ideas through violence.(4)
The important point is how that change in thinking was made. One day, some guy proposed that maybe people with new ideas shouldn’t be beaten to death. He was promptly beaten to death for his new idea. Then another guy said the same thing, and he was stabbed and barely survived. Then it was repeated by another guy, who was shot in the leg. He kept talking (and limping) and eventually everyone decided, “Yeah, I guess you’re right.”(5)
Now, you’re probably thinking that’s pretty harsh to get an idea across, but that’s just because you don’t hear the stories of countless people who were justly pummeled for their moronic ideas. Think about it: how many good ideas are there about politics and social interaction? It’s finite. But how many utterly idiotic ideas are there? Infinite.(6) So if someone comes up with a new idea, i.e., draws from the infinite ideas out there, what’s the chance of it being one of the finite good ideas. Nearly zero. Thus, by being a conservative and just opposing any new idea out there, you’ll be right 99% of the time or more. Just do the math.(7)
Here’s the rub, though(8): if a “liberal” idea actually survives the rigors of conservative scrutiny (the beating, the shootings, etc.), it, being an accepted idea, is now a conservative one. Yes, the dark secret of conservatism is that, once, long ago, all their ideas were liberal. But(9), by being a conservative, not only do you get to be right almost all the time by opposing new ideas, you also automatically gain ownership of all the liberal ideas that are worth keeping. As the scientific community would characterize that, it is totally sweet!(10)
Now let’s talk about present day.(11) Inevitably, as time as past, the number of finite good ideas out there have been discovered, and thus there is less and less chance that any liberal will have anything worth saying. Ergo, the ideas they do propose now are increasingly idiotic. And, now only using the weapons of derision to stop them, they strive by sealing themselves off from outside input, huddling together in small enclaves protected form the light of reason. They’re like cockroaches, hiding in the walls, and occasionally emerging from the shadows to wreak havoc.
Or they become judges.
Anyway, liberals are out there, and their ideas are more and more chaotic. And, though everyone calls them idiots, instead of taking the logical conclusion and realizing they are idiots, they think only they are right and all others are wrong and must be crushed. Oh, the horrors they would subject us to if only they had the power.
Lucky for us, though, their main weapon is the whine.
Bite-Sized Wisdom: Piss-Off Terrorists, Suicidal Terrorists, and Monster Catfish
* It looks like angry liberal Dean has a lock on the Democratic nomination. I was really rooting for Liberman, though. I think he could do better if he had a campaign commercial that said, "Do you hate Middle East terrorist? Then really piss them off and elect a Jooooo!"
* So terrorists ambush us and get 54 of themselves killed. Then is it really accurate to call it an ambush? Isn't it more of a mass suicide? I wonder if these lemming tactics will continue...
* BTW, number one method of suicide this year is pissing off Americans.
* Maybe next time Bush visits Iraq, he could tip off the terrorists so they could do another "ambush". Then he could get a great photo-op of him killing one. That would be so cool!
* Native American tribes are now thinking of fielding their own candidates. They're trying to take this country over! The nerve of them!
* A boy was punished in school for using the word "gay" when referencing his lesbian mother. That's so gay!
* They are trying to save these catfish in Cambodia that are as large as bears. Shouldn't there be an exception to our preservation efforts for any animal that might threaten to one day conquer humans?
There is no reason a catfish should ever be larger than a dinner plate.
* Later today I'll post a sample of a chapter of a book I'm working on that's a scientifical analysis of the left. I'll also try and do some Frank Answers™. See you then.
December 01, 2003
Front Line Voices Needs Help
On to a serious topic, Front Line Voices needs some help. We have a backlog of letters and need help with verifying, but, at the same time, we need more submissions. If someone has the time to help with verifying letters, please e-mail me (and I'll probably later refer you to Serenity who has been a big force in keeping the page running). If you have a submission, go through the submission page on the FLV site. Please pass this on to anyone else you think it might be of interest to.
Some people have a pledge drive, but I'm going to have a readership drive. Increasing my readership is all part of my plans to become rich and famous (to the benefit of everyone). Obviously, anyone into blogs should already be reading mine on a regular basis, but there should be even more people out there who would enjoy IMAO. If you have ever laughed at anything on this webpage, then you owe me.
What you need to do is find ways to spread the word. Here are some ideas:
* Take your favorite posts and put them on as many internet bboard as you can with a link back to IMAO.
* Start one of those annoying e-mail chain letters where you need to send it to five friends.
* If it's not illegal yet, make random calls to people during dinner time like telemarketers (when do telemarketers eat dinner?).
* Threaten people.
* Write letters to publishers demanding IMAO.
* Wear my t-shirt everywhere.
Whatever ideas you come up with, e-mail me about what you've done including what name you want to go by and URL if you have one and I'll post the best efforts.
I also put up a poll to figure what the readership goal should be. Currently, I hover around 3,000 on an average week (more on weekdays, and then the weekend drags the average down). You can monitor my progress at the two links at the bottom of my sidebar. Keep in mind, for the Extreme Tracker, the average it lists is an average for the entire time I've had the tracker and thus includes back when I have four visits a week (i.e. even on days off, I get more traffic than my "average"). The Unique Visitors link is of more help because it will show how many visitors for the last twenty days. For the Site Meter, its average is based on just the previous week (and thus is low right now because of the holiday).
Now help me get more readers! This will be a big part of being a member of the exclusive make Frank rich and famous club, details of which I will put out later this week.
Bwa ha ha ha! If this readership drive goes well, soon the Puppy Blender will be begging me for a mention!
It's been two years, so I had to retake my ESD (ElectroStatic Discharge) training this morning. They have a video so old a guy was smoking a pipe while handling a circuit board; apparently that's safe, but I don't know about cigars or bongs. I took enough notes during it that I can probably do a "Know Thy Enemy: Electrostatic Discharge" later. I got two questions wrong on the test, though. They were the only two where I changed my answer (both from the correct one). That means I got them wrong by over-thinking; that's the smart man's way to get something wrong.
To get to the point, it was mentioned that cotton does not store charge and thus cotton clothing is the best thing to wear when handling electronics. Thus, if you don't want to destroy the computer you are using right now, you must wear my shirt. And, to wear my shirt, you must buy my shirt.
That is all.
In My World: The Axis of Evil Strikes Back
"A new day dawns," Buck the Marine said as he admired the sky, "and this date shall be carved in the tombstone of many a for'ner who crosses my path."
"Hey, Buck," called a voice from behind him. He turned to see President Bush.
"You back in Iraq again?" Buck exclaimed.
"Yeppers," Bush answered, "Had so much fun last time I thought I might stop by again. So what are we doing?"
"Contemplating the people we are going to kill today," Buck said. "Hey! Are you eating one of my MRE's?"
"Just trying to be like one of the troops," Bush stated, "by helping myself to their stuff. Found some homemade cookies in one tent; want some?"
"Isn't it dangerous for you to be out here?" Buck asked.
"That's what my Secret Service agents said," Bush replied, "So I didn't take them with me... except for Zatoichi since he's blind and doesn't know where the hell he is."
"I thought you said we were going to the Bahamas," Zatoichi, the blind samurai, stated, "but I do not hear the waves."
"Maybe you're going deaf too, Blindy," Bush chuckled. He then leaned over to Buck and whispered, "That's my new nickname for him: Blindy." After another moment's thought, he leaned over to Buck again and added, "Because he's blind."
"Isn't your wife going to miss you?" Buck inquired.
"She's happy to have time to herself to do wifey stuff," Bush answered.
"I dunno... clean stuff and uh... nag people."
* * * *
"And a last minute entry to the demolition derby: Laura Bush!"
* * * *
"Hey, look! Iraqi children!" Bush exclaimed.
"What are Iraqi children doing in the Bahamas?" Ichi asked.
"Tell us all about America, Mr. President man," said one of the children.
Bush sat down among the kids as Buck watched and Zatoichi kept listening for the ocean. "In America, everyone is happy," Bush told the kids, "and the streets are paved with gold. And the kids get all the candy they ever want."
"Can we come to America some day?" one of the kids asked.
"No," Bush answered sharply, "we already have enough immigrants."
"Will Iraq be as great as America one day?" inquired another kid.
Bush just laughed. "You'll be lucky if your country isn't torn apart by religious extremists."
The kids all looked sad. Finally one asked, "Will you at least do something about the ninjas."
"Of course," Bush said, patting the kid on the head. "Wait a second... what ninjas?"
All of a sudden a ninja charged Bush and the kids scattered. Bush rolled out of the way just in time for the sword to miss him. "Eek! Ninjas!" Bush yelled, ducking as throwing stars barely missed him.
"You said there would be no ninjas in the Bahamas," Ichi grumbled.
"I got 'em," Buck said. He then fired upon the ninjas with his M-16. They all deftly dodged the bullets. Buck then tossed aside his rifle and drew his Ka-Bar. "Dodge this!" he yelled as he stabbed at a ninja. The ninja dodged it. "Dammit!" Buck exclaimed, "I shouldn't have told him to dodge that."
"Blindy! Do something!" Bush yelled, ducking from ninja blades.
Zatoichi ran away.
"Good idea," Bush said, following.
"I hates retreating," Buck grumbled as he ran as well.
They soon found a cave to hide in. Buck took out his radio. "Base, this is Buck the Marine. We are under attack by ninjas... yeah, with swords and throwing stars and everything."
"Tell them about how they flip," Bush said.
"And they flip too," Buck said into the radio.
"They are no ordinary ninjas," Ichi stated, "They are robot ninjas."
"How do you know that?" Bush asked.
"They kept shouting, 'We are robot ninjas! We are robot ninjas!' over and over," Ichi answered.
Bush shook his head. "Man, I'm a bad listener."
* * * *
"The meeting of the Axis of Evil is called to order," Ernst Stavro Blofeld announced, "and, once again President Jacques Chirac is here as an observer."
"We just want to know what the enemy is doing," Chirac said, "so that we might better appease them and know which direction to run in is most cowardly."
"We must stop the Americans in Iraq!" Saddam Hussein yelled. "They are very powerful, though. They killed my sons; even I wasn't even able to do that."
"If the Americans are made to look as fools in Iraq," Osama bin Laden stated, "Then I can gain even more followers. Muh ha ha ha."
"And France will replace them as a world power!" Chirac said, "Wha ha ha ha!"
"And I can enter the race for presidency and beat Bush!" Hilary Clinton exclaimed, "Bwa ha ha ha!"
"And I can take Disney World away from Japan!" Kim Jong Il laughed, "Tee hee hee!"
"And Aquaman will be defenseless!" shouted Black Manta, "Gra ha ha ha!"
"Ooh ooh! Ee ee!" said Chim-Chim, the evilest monkey.
"Don't worry," Blofeld said, "We have plans for the Americans. Tell them, evil dictator of China."
"I, evil dictator of China," declared the evil dictator of China, "have flooded Iraq with our robots ninjas. Soon their forces will fall. But we must keep any of this from being traced back to China or we'll be looked at as vile in Americans' eyes as France is."
"Then you shouldn't have put 'Made in China' on all the robots' parts," Blofeld commented.
"We take pride in our workmanship!" the evil dictator of China shot back.
"Do you think this will be enough to stop the Americans?" Saddam asked.
"To be sure," the evil dictator of China said, "We have more help."
Suddenly a portrait of Chairman Mao floated into the room. "It is I, the haunted portrait of Chairman Mao!" it said, its eyes glowing red with Commie evil. "I shall help lead the forces, and they will fall to my Commie evil!"
"We must make sure the Americans do not find out of our plans," Osama bin Laden stated, "I bet they have spies about."
Saddam turned to his compatriot at his side. "Have you seen anyone suspicious, Chomps, the world's angriest Baathist party member?"
Chomps shook his head no.
"Maybe it's just me," Osama said, "but Chomps looks a lot like a rottweiler with a fake mustache and a beret."
"I will not have anyone questioning Chomps!" Saddam responded angrily, "He has been a loyal Baathist party member since earlier this morning." Saddam then added more quietly, "Plus, it makes him angry... very angry."
* * * *
"So that's their dastardly plan!" Condoleezza Rice exclaimed.
"See! The mustache cam worked just like the guy at Radio Shack said it would," stated Clancy, the intelligence guy.
"How did you find out about this meeting, anyway?" Condi asked.
"Well, we found this Muslim cleric who claimed to be blind," Clancy explained, "So we held up a number of fingers, and he answered how many there were incorrectly. So, his story held up... so far. But we didn't trust him. So we roughed him up until he finally admitted he wasn't blind. We then did the ‘how many fingers am I holding up’ test again, but he failed. Ends up he was lying about not being blind just to get us to stop beating him. Now we knew this guy didn't have any scruples. So we took some jumper cables..."
"Is this story going somewhere?" Rumsfeld demanded angrily.
"To cut to the chase," Clancy said, "We found a flier for the meeting at the Safeway."
"But how are we going to deal with robot ninjas?" Condi asked, "We'll have to operate carefully."
"Careful my ass!" Rumsfeld exclaimed, "Let's just kill them all!" He grabbed the microphone that was connected to Chomps. "Hippies! Hippies!"
* * * *
"Something seems wrong with your Baathist party member," Blofeld stated, watching Chomps snarl and snap at the air in fury. Suddenly, his mustache fell off.
"Oh no!" Saddam exclaimed, "Terminal mustache disease!"
As Chomps went even wilder, his beret finally fell off.
"Sacre Bleu!" Chirac yelled, "It is angry American dog Chomps!" Chomps then leapt over and grabbed Chirac by the head. He shook the Frenchman vigorously while everyone else fled.
* * * *
"So the Axis of Evil is behind the robot ninjas, eh?" Bush asked through the satellite hookup from Iraq, "And we have to deal with the haunted portrait of Chairman Mao. Anyone remember how they defeated the haunted painting in Ghostbusters 2, because I really don't feel like watching that again."
"Sorry, but are intelligence does not encompass the climaxes of special effects laden comedy sequels," Clancy answered, "What we do know is that the Axis of Evil is working overtime to make America fail."
"But I like America!" Bush exclaimed, "It's my favorite country! We need to do something."
"Extreme measures will be needed," Condi advised.
"I know the most extreme," Bush said firmly. "Get me Robo-Patton!"
Super Lucky Happy Fun Week Number One Starts Now!
I'm hoping to make this the best week of IMAO ever all to hock my t-shirts and help make me rich and famous. Later, I'll be telling the details of the readership drive we'll be having and the details of the make me rich and famous club. Until then, enjoy this new In My World™ and send me more questions by e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers".
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Best of IMAO 2002
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Frank on Guns
Frank Reads the Bible
Frank the Artist
Fred Thompson Facts
Hellbender Take Two
Hillary Clinton Terrible Truths
I Hate Frank
If I Were President
IMAO for the Non-Deaf
IMAO Think Tank
In My World
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State of the Frank Report
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WEsistance Is Facile
Why Me Laugh?
By MonthDecember 2008