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January 31, 2006
Live Blogging Democratic Response to SotU
Virginia Gov Tim Caine (No Apprarant relation to Kwai Chang)
-Was a missionary, King still dead.
-Speaks like Kirk...with...awkard ...pauses
-Bush spends where bad, cuts spending where good.
-[is his left eyebrow fake? It's coming loose, about to fly off his forehead. Is he a Human/animal hybrid?]
- We want to outsource your drugmaking. Send pharmaceutical jobs over the border/overseas.
- Some other stuff, a better way...blah blah
[Why'd they get a Governor? Why not Dean? heh]
-Together... we can...do........ better
[Why did the response follow the speech? I question the timing!]
Live Blogging SotU
- Bunch of people in suits and dresses.
- Some old guys are in dresses. Black dresses.
- Sheehan detained, sneaking in a sign, which is a NO-NO.
- President getting announced. Comes out. Shakes some hands. Kisses some women. Black women.
- President: looks nice, blue tie, not too chimpy.
- People that oppose me are traitorous morons.
- War isn't over. and Hamas better not mess up Israel.
- Iran, no nukes, We like you Iran, but don't piss us off.
- Enemy, radical islam, could still attack, we have a miliary.
- Before 9/11 we weren't listening, now we are listening, are YOU listening?
[ Billary smirks]
-Let's lead this world to freedom. Other worlds, for get 'em.
[Is Billary chewing gum? YES! i wonder what flavor. Must be bitter, Could be her cud]
-American economy Rulz and totally R0X0R5. Immigrants are good!
- Congress, act responsibly, make tax cuts permanent.
- Pass line item veto!
- Baby boomers are booming, Dad likes Bil.
- Democrats cheering, 'We didn't save social security! Yay!"
- World should buy American, American workers are good.
- Border needs control and improvement and some other stuff. But amnesty bad, guest workers good.
- Health insurance is good and folks should have it, maybe govt can help? [what?]
- USA Addicted to oil, advanced energy research.
- Plan for power from clean coal, wind, solar, Nu-ku-lar
[laptop froze up]
- USA needs to stay competitive. more math, more science. Not for me, them.
- Kids need to be smart, suceed so America succeeds. Support this initiative which is hard for me to pronounce.
- Crime low, welfare cases low, drug use down. Sin has really slacked off.
- Everybody here, dems and repubs should be proud, Applaud me!, Not you Jeffords!
- We have new Justices! Yay! Roberts and Alito.
- Justice O'Connor retires. Thanks, babe.
- No clones, no hybrids (except cars) don't sell humans, embryos, life valuable. Too valuable to sell. [Like sex!]
- First lady, wearing pink dress, is doing...something for America.
- NO is in bad shape, [Gov Blanco grimacing], we should rebuild and make better and good for people who think life sucks.
- Ryan White, HIV/AIDS is bad, we should do something, drugs maybe?
- Are we going halfway? No that's weak let go finish well and lead, an do good stuff, forward and confident.
-May God bless America
-Pres drinks, water? vodka? hard to say, looks like shot glass, high fives Supreme Court.
- Shakes more hands, condi
- still shaking hands, taking pictures,
- is Billary holding a cardboard cutout of Abramoff for the camera to get shot with Prez? Nah.
- Update Sheehan arested for bringing an antiwar tshirt.. Who wears a tshirt to SotU? California's next senator that's who.
- Update/Cry for attention:Michelle Malkin links to a lot of live blogging, not mine, but a lot.
Addicted To Oil
(My apologies to the late Robert Palmer)
"Addicted To Oil"
Your enginer's on, back on the road
As Much as I Want to Hear a Long-Winded Speech...
I got to help win back the hood in Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas, so I'm going to pass on the SOTU. Anyway, I'm always more interested in the analysis afterwards. Hey, I admit it: I don't know what to think until others tell me.
But, if something interesting happens, like Bush and Alito telling the filibustering Democrats to "suck it," Bush declaring himself emperor and disolving the Senate, or Chuck Norris coming in and roundhouse kicking all the Dems in the face, then tell me in the comments.
Browning's Blustering Bozos
It shouldn't have been hard to predict that the 9th Circuit Court would declare the Partial Birth Abortion Ban Unconstitutional and uphold and injunction barring its enforcement. If the Constitution allowed for crucifixes to hang in courtrooms, the 9th would ban the use of walls.
The 8th did a similar thing on PBA. The 5th, on the other hand, was too busy treading water and going "Glub glub glub" to come to a decision.
Now that the Supreme Court's been Alito-sized and a stable 5-4 majority for all things conservative is in place, I believe the infamous Ninth Circus Court with its clown-car system of 28 justices forever playing musical benches for 11 butt-sized spaces is about to be rendered nothing more than a document-shuffling outpost on the Left Coast until reform comes to roost. (Or until Ann Coulter realizes that spiking Senile Stevens' breakfast mush is pointless now, and a little "special" granola gets sent to Browning and his rag-tag lefty legal eagles.)
You know, it's almost like watching Jordan launch from the key, Patrick Ewing just standing there in the paint totally helpless to do anything but get stuffed and rocked for two in the worst way. At some point, you sit Ewing down and just let Stark take a pair of Air Jordans to the face for a quarter or two.
A Victory Today For The Unborn! GLOAT!!!!
Here's my Alito gloating.
No.. scratch that. it doesn't quite fit the sentiment I feel. Make that...
There, that's more like it.
And thanks to Cadet Happy for putting my idea into imagery, as well as improving on it as usual.
Justice Alito... Say It, Biatch!
Hey, wingnuts, what's that I see fleeing? Oh! It's Roe v. Wade? Bye, Roe v. Wade!
Now your daughters won't be able to get abortions... daughters who should have been aborted in the first place if it weren't for Alito to stop you!
So, crazy KosKids, how's it feel to be completely impotent? I mean, you got 25 Senators scared into voting for a filibuster, but that just shows how weak the current Dems are now to actually be influenced by you nutters. Really; all that effort for nothing... just like 2004.
Well, that's it. Alito will now rule away all your rights and round you into camps. Thanks for playing the game.
(thanks to cadet happy for making the images)
Greenspan's last laugh?
Alan Greenspan will finish his tenure as Chairman of the Federal Reserve today with a final rate-setting meeting:
The Fed is expected to boost a key interest rate by a quarter-point. That would mark the 14th increase in the Fed's target for the federal funds rate, the interest that banks charge each other, since Greenspan and his colleagues launched their credit-tightening campaign 19 months ago.
Of course, that's all based on a quarter-point increase.
What if Greenspan raised the rates by twenty points?
That's right. Twenty points.
Look, Greenspan's 78 and he's retiring. He's not just old. He's crazy old. Almost liche-like in his appearance.
He probably doesn't have much time to spend everything he's got stashed away in Swiss bank accounts, and his wife's got one of them high-falootin' journalism jobs so she doesn't need egg-and-cocaine money from Daddy Greenbucks. He's already got his mansion and his vacation home and army of ninja economist followers at his disposal, so it's very likely he's not going to need any more loans before it's time to start pushing up the daisies.
The man's the most powerful finance man in the world. There's nothing to stop him from having a little fun and jacking things up into the twenties.
Follow the Boy Scout Creed: Be prepared. (No, not "Keep your knife sharp for the day when the scoutmaster offers a badge for unzipping and bending over.")
Based on this fact, I strongly suggest y'all consider filling up your tubs with an emergency supply of water, purchase a large number of firearms, and buy up as much hard commodities as possible like gold or pork-bellies.
No wonder why people listen to E.F. Hutton instead of me. Well, that and the fact that I shout all this through a bullhorn while my friends parade through the streets with absurdly large puppets.
Brokeback Mountain Sequel
The producers of Brokeback Mountain are working on a sequel. It will be set in a hosting company's DataCenter and will tell the tale of two gay reboot technicians falling in love.
The working title is Brokeback Mount Point.
The "Bush Did It!" Game: Coretta Scott King
After we found a Democratic Underground thread about the death of actor Chris Penn in which one poster suggested Bush had him killed, one of the IMAO bloggers (sorry, I forgot who and don't have the e-mails at hand to look it up) suggested we do a countdown from the time any famous figure dies until someone at DU blames Bush.
Anyway, at 0708 this morning, a link to a news article of the death of Crretta Scott King was posted. At 0807, someone wrote this. I think that counts and makes the time until Bush blame just shy of an hour.
UPDATE: DU has fallen into its "Diebold will steal the elections anyway, so none of this matters" doldrums. Someone tries to talk some sense to them. Watching the crazies tear him down should be fun...
UPDATE 2: The thread trying to talk sense into Democrats got locked for being "flamebait."
24 Day 5 - 12 p.m. to 1 p.m.
hiya folks. Frank wants me to post my 24 notes and quotes here from now on, to save y'all from having just a one-liner "wasn't 24 bad-pinkytoe last night" post. so here it is. also, if you want to see my previous recaps from this season, follow these links:
spoilers below the fold...
* yay! graphic violence! i hope it's against Walt Cummings! and President Logan, just because he's such a pansy and a bad husband.
* is Audrey like co-running CTU with Bill Buchanan? she sure does give her opinion a lot.
* i wonder if the president will be mad that Walt felt up his wife. somehow i doubt it, because i think Mrs. Logan is just for show, if you know what i mean. and i'll bet you do.
* hey! there's Badger again! he's not as smarmy as on Firefly though. more evil, but not as smarmy.
* sweeeeeet. i love how Mike gets the message from Jack. except Walt is suspicious. dagnabit. did you notice how when Jack told Mike, "I'm so sorry about David Palmer," they played the loud boom in the music that signifies that Mike's about to look at the camera and say, "What about David Palmer? What's he talking about? Why is he sorry, and why am i the last to know????" yeah, a little dramatic with the score there, Mr. Callery (whose scoring abilities i just adore, FTR. i'm just sayin... ).
* Jack, you are the biggest idiot on the planet. no, you're not going back to Diane so you can take another shot with Whiny? Whiny who always starts every conversation with "Jack... I..." someone needs to smack you hard on the back of the head. stupid.
* ok, so the pacing Russian guy who really likes talking with the earpiece phone... when he says that there's only one thing Walt can do, i'm soooo hoping that doesn't mean Walt kills himself, because i rilly rilly rilly want to see Jack kick his pinkytoe in grand fashion. and i wouldn't mind a little spit in the face by Mrs. Logan.
* is Aaron implying that Mrs. Logan is a horse? that is very not nice. come on, Aaron, you know you want to help Mrs. Logan. she's a nice lady who's not that crazy.
* ok, so Jack's out on a super-important mission, and Audrey calls him to talk about their feelings? can she not just give it a rest for 24 hours? 24 hours would be superb. Audrey, it's more complicated than me loving you... such as you being homely (granted, less so this season) and whiny.
* ok, the confession by Walt is unexpected. how much ya wanna bet that the President gets talked into his idiotic scheme? holy wow! he just grabbed the President, and Logan didn't even yell for the secret service. and um, wow, Walt just admitted to assassinating Palmer. i totally thought Walt was gonna kill the President just then. nope, President just turned coat and betrayed the country. i hope Jack Bauer kicks him in the nuts. ok, so the evil Republican just wants to prove WMD are in the Middle East so we can increase our military presence there and protect our sweet sweet oil. at least Walt has his priorities straight. ;-) btw, Walt should read that book that just came out about WMD.
* yay hobbit! yay Rudy! disobey the order!
* Jean Smart is so outstanding in this role. someone give her an emmy.
* hahaha! "actually it's not that hard to believe" that Walt Cummings ordered Palmer's assassination. yay Aaron!
* BAUER POWER!! wow, i don't know which is my favorite scene now. Chloe unloads an M4 into a terrorist, or Jack Bauer starts to take out Walt's eye as Aaron just stands there watching. i looooooove seeing Walt get punched in the sternum over and over and over. sweet. it's nice to be able to take out my own aggression vicariously through Jack. do you think Logan realizes how absolutely idiotic it was to admit that he knew about Walt ordering David Palmer's assassination? You think Jack's gonna kick the President's pinkytoe in hour 24? that would be totally rad.
* too little too late, Mr. President. you're still the worst husband ever. i hope she dumps your sorry butt right now. walk away Mrs. Logan, tell him you'd like your bags transferred to Jack Bauer's house because you love him now.
* why do they keep showing Chloe disgruntled and staring at a computer and she hasn't had a line the whole episode? were all her scenes cut? bad producers cutting Chloe scenes! she better not have shot someone in the cut scenes!
* look how smug the first lady looks now. Logan's not getting sex for a long long time. at least not from a woman.
* next week's episode... who do you think is in the upstairs penthouse? my first thought is Neckid Mandy, because it can't be Nina, because Nina's dead. but would Neckid Mandy hide behind a bed like that? seems like she would escape or be holding a gun and all the cards. maybe it's Kim.
* Quotes (note, some quotes are embellished in italics for my own enjoyment)
DIANE: Ms. Raines? Really? Her?
LYNN: Novick's people say he's unreachable, and Jack's cell is going straight to voicemail.
JACK: Walt Cummings ordered the assassination of David Palmer. I know it's hard to believe, but I can prove it, it's true.
LOGAN: I'm the President of the United States! Get your hands off this man! Agent Pierce, do something! [Meanwhile, Jack is beating the crap out of Walt.]
JACK [holding a knife to Walt's face, as Aaron and Logan look on, frightened]: I am done talking with you, you understand me? Now you've read my file. First thing I'm gonna do, I'm gonna take out your right eye. Then I'm gonna move over and I'm gonna take out your left. And then I'm gonna cut you. I'm gonna keep cutting you until I get the information that I need. Do you understand me? So for the last time,
January 30, 2006
File Under: Despite All Their Rage, They're Still Just Rats in a Cage
So, will this pathetic defeat discourage or encourage the moonbats dragging down the Democratic Party?
UPDATE: DU is back open, and they think they won. The poor deluded fools.
Let's make fun of them.
What am I going to do with all this Havarti cheese?
You can stop buying Danish products, folks. Jyllands-Posten just caved in...
A Danish newspaper on Monday issued an apology to the world's Muslims for publishing caricatures of the Prophet Muhammad that sparked a furor in the Islamic world.
I, on the other hand, do not fall to my knees, lick boots, and beg for mercy so easily.
I'm Jewish. I'm Texan. I support Israel.
They already want me dead. Why else would the trees always be shouting that I'm hiding behind them?
(Well, besides the fact that I'm taking a leak on them.)
But they are more than welcome to spend some of their oil money to buy my cartoons and the rights to produce more of them.
(I'm Jewish, remember? Everything has its price.)
Do you own one? I don't know how many of you knew this, but Nuke the Moon Shirts are on sale at ThoseShirts.com. Sure they're for sale too, but they are on sale too. Which is better, because now they are cheaper.
However, purchasing one could be seen as contributing to a political party.
A political party called IMAO.US.
Hey hey, we're the monkeys!
Watch out, Frank. The Monkey Police are on the loose...
New research reveals that monkey cops help keep social groups in line.
Monkey social police? Monkey voting?
I, as the proud owner of an undergraduate degree in Biology which I display proudly in some back closet, don't like the looks of this at all.
My razor-keen scientific mind and Semitic propensity for trying to make a profit from everything leads me to believe that pretty soon there will be an all-monkey economy replacing ours. Next thing you know, there will be monkey sitcoms, monkey coffeehouses, monkey liposuction clinics, and monkey armies.
I'd better warn Frank.
Unless... he's been replaced... oh, God, no... BY A MONKEY BLOGGER!
We Must Save the Democrats to Save the Republicans
What if your livelihood was based on you winning races, but you always had the same opponent: a half-crippled man who could barely see straight as was always stumbling into walls. Also, he drools. How much would you train and condition yourself to make sure you won those races when it took so little effort to win them because how awful your opponent was? You probably wouldn't train at all. Instead, you'd get lazy... maybe even come to the races coked out of your mind (and still win).
This is the problem with the Republicans. To stay in power, they just have to be better than the train wreck that is the Democrats - impotent idiots who still seem to be stuck in a downward spiral. With the bar so low, what's to keep the Republicans from being lazy and corrupt? They know any threat to vote for Democrats instead is just that: a threat. Who would be so stupid as to actually vote for one of those incompetent boobs? Right now, their main area of attack is criticizing Bush for surveillance on terrorists; they're acting like the guy in the Dirty Harry movies who yells at Detective Callahan for bending the rules... even though he's just trying to save people's lives. Everyone always boos that character when he's on screen.
Thus, the only way to improve the Republican Party is to first shake the Democratic Party to its senses. I think the best way to do that is have the Democrats sit down and have a long talk with the KosKids, the people who keep trying to drive them off a cliff as they head towards crazyville (like this lame attempt at a filibuster).
DEMOCRATS: KosKids, we need to talk.
KOSKIDS: Is it about how you are finally going after Bushitler for letting the 9/11 attacks happen and murdering Paul Wellstone?
DEMOCRATS: Let's rephrase that: We Democrats in the leadership need to talk, but you guys need to shut up because you're crazy loons.
KOSKIDS: But Bush is a fascist who...
DEMOCRATS: And you guys are stupid.
KOSKIDS: ...and everything is about oil and Halliburton and...
DEMOCRATS: And you guys smell. You people have to come to grips with that Bush does not want to silence you people because, every time you guys get heard, the Republicans win votes. Also, the government doesn't care to spy on you because no one in the world cares to know anything about you people.
KOSKIDS: But everything is becoming a police state and...
DEMOCRATS: We need you people to shut up; find some other hobby then being paranoid about politics. If all you members of MoveOn.org moved on to jobs in the service sector, that would be great.
KOSKIDS: But we need to fight and...
DEMOCRATS: Here's a big bag of Skittles and a paddle ball game. Why don't you eat some Skittles and put your energy into this paddle ball game while we try to regain some power.
KOSKIDS: But Alito is soon going to be a Justice and then he'll...
DEMOCRATS: I don't hear paddling.
So, readers, what are your ideas to save the Democratic Party?
IMAO: New and Improved
We just upgraded MT, and there are a number of other improvement we hope to add. I hope to color code or picture code entries to make it more obvious who wrote what, and we still need about me pages for everyone with their individual e-mails. Also, maybe the code for entering comments may be removed in the future. Plus, there's lots of link clean ups on the sidebars and the blogroll needs to be added back in.
As for the podcast, we hope to get back to that soon. It's a hard thing balancing blogging and podcasting with everything else going on (SarahK and I hope to have the first In My World™ compilation finished soon), but I don't want blogging to suffer because of other projects.
Well, we'll figure things out. Sit back and enjoy, sportsfans.
The men in Elizabeth Vargas' life don't have much luck, do they?
These incidents alone are certainly not enough to raise suspicions, but if you do a little digging and get past the cleanup job that Michael Eisner's goon squad did on her past...
So if Elizabeth Vargas is knocking on your door offering to start some sort of relationship or partnership, I'd check my insurance policies for coverage against Acts Of Elizabeth, the monkey's paw of broadcast journalism.
January 28, 2006
In my sudden rise to the top of humanity, chronicled here, I seem to have forgotten some of the little people who've made a contribution or at least commented notifying me about my huge and lifechanging success.
I shall rectify those little people right now.
Thanks little people!
The next time a liberal shrieks "Saddam had no WMDs!" feel free to smack them with this book.
Smack them with the hardcover, not the paperback version. And if it's a royal scumbag like Ted Kennedy or John Kerry whining that there were no WMDs, maybe it's okay to drive some nails through the cover or glue some broken beer bottle bottoms to it.
January 27, 2006
Glenn Reynolds Hijacks Pluto Spacecraft!
Did you see Instapundit's post on the New Horizons probe that was launched toward Pluto? He seemed quite indifferent about the whole thing, which is - for a dweeby techno-geek like him - VERY suspicious.
Thanks to some NSA eavesdropping transcripts, I found out why Glenn was trying to avoid drawing attention to the launch beforehand. He had a sinister plot for using the New Horizons ship for his own nefarious purposes. Specifically, he's going to use it to murder hobos to curry favor with Satan in order to maintain his position as the most powerful blogger in the world (as foretold by The Prophet Frank J.).
Yeah, I know how unbelievable it sounds, but I have proof. Glenn sketched out his plan on the back of a napkin during a recent trip to the Memphis Zoo. I stole it while he was busy staring at the penguins & mumbling something about "pretty, pretty feathers".
Evidence in the extended entry with Glenn's notes in italics...
1) Steal super-secret S.M.I.T.E. technology from Frank J. and use it to build the Space Platform for Hobo Elimination, Removal, and Eradication (S.P.H.E.R.E.)
2) Sneak S.P.H.E.R.E. aboard New Horizons ship.
3) Have New Horizons ship deploy S.P.H.E.R.E.
4) Murder hobos from space, thus currying favor from Satan and maintaining my cruel stranglehold on the blogosphere.
5) Blog with minimal commentary and link any crappy post I want, with no fear of losing traffic.
Yeah, I thought he was already doing that last one, too.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go shave my stubble.
*looks worriedly skyward*
The New "Real Ultimate Power"
Important to know Chuck Norris facts such as "Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever." and "Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean."
Probably a good idea to set down all beverages and empty your bladder before reading. Actually, I don't know if it's all good, because I can't even complete reading it now because it's too funny.
(hat tip to Jonah Goldberg of The Corner)
A Frank Fisking: John Kerry's Appeal for Support for His Filibuster
It's looking like this whole filibuster that John Kerry is proposing is doomed to fail... and he knows it. Right now, he's excited the KosKids and DUmmies so much they’re ready to have his children, but this temporary burst of support for Kerry comes at the price of making the Democrat leadership look (more) impotent when the cloture vote happens on Monday.
What a team player.
So, what do I get out of it? A letter from John Kerry to fisk!
Yesterday, Senator Ted Kennedy and I told our colleagues that we supported a filibuster of Judge Alito's nomination for the Supreme Court.
It's cute when Kennedy makes primitive attempts at speech.
And we weren't alone. But the bottom line is that it takes more than two or three people to filibuster successfully.
Even if one of them has the mass of eight?
It's not "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington."
It's not even Dude, Where's My Car?
If you want to stop Judge Alito from becoming Justice Alito, use your own email list and organize.
Can I forward the latest humorous e-mail at the same time, or would that detract from the message?
Wait, this is the latest humorous e-mail I've gotten...
We can't just preach to our own choir.
I wouldn't exactly call the screeching howler monkeys this is targeted at a "choir."
We need to prove to everyone - from our friends and neighbors to our fellow Senators - that the American people know Judge Alito will take our country in the wrong direction, and they expect something to be done about it.
How are we supposed to dupe that many people by Monday? I got in big trouble last time I put LSD in the water supply.
So I'm asking you to join Senator Kennedy, me, and concerned citizens across America who are signing this petition to support a filibuster.
Because there is nothing this country needs more than to hear you and Ted Kennedy drone on endlessly.
Actually, I hear that, every time Ted Kennedy gets on national television, a Republican is elected.
If there was ever a time to forward an email on to friends and family, this is it.
Yeah, I'll send this to my dad right away. He always got a chuckle out of how you accused him and his fellow soldiers of being like "Jenjis" Khan.
One way or another, we're going to find out in the next few days if Judge Alito is going to become Justice Alito.
With bated breath.
You know where I stand.
For the moment…
The time to make your voice heard is now.
That's why I like having a blog.
So please sign this filibuster petition and get as many friends as you can to do the same.
Because nothing affects political fortunes like an internet petition. Actually, is there anything more useless than an internet petition? Like how DU spends all that effort to win at internet polls?
No, I think this is still more useless. Nonetheless, it make the numbnuts feel like they're doing something.
If Judge Alito gets on the Supreme Court, it will be an incredible mistake for America.
But mistakes help us learn! Don't you want us to learn?
And remember, this is one mistake that we can never take back.
There is always assassination of Supreme Court Justices.
Hey! There is always assassination of Supreme Court Justices!
I voted against Justice Roberts, but I feel even more strongly about Judge Alito.
So you should extra vote against this one!
I'm guessing political ambitions.
Rather than live up to the promise of "equal justice under the law," he has consistently made it harder for the most disadvantaged Americans to have their day in court.
By being a judge? Doesn't that put himself out of work?
He routinely defers to excessive government power no matter how much government abuses that power.
I'm sorry, but I just don't buy the argument that hitting a hippy protester in the groin with a nightstick is abuse of power.
And, to this date, his only statement on record regarding a woman's right to privacy is that she doesn't have one.
Is "right to privacy" the new code phrase for abortion, because I'm having trouble keeping up? BTW, what about my "right to privacy"? When do I get to have abortions?
There isn't a shred of doubt in my opposition to Judge Alito's nomination.
And yet I bet you'll still find a reason to flip-flop.
I spent a lot of time over the last few years thinking about what kind of person deserves to sit on the highest court in the land, so I don't hesitate a minute in saying that Judge Alito is not that person.
That would be kind of funny if someone asked you, "Is Judge Alito the kind of person deserves to sit on the highest court in the land?" and you just stood there a minute silent, as you hesitated.
It would be like the 2004 debates all over again!
His entire legal career shows that, if confirmed, he will take America backward.
Like Superman when he wasn't able to stop those missiles in time?
People can say all they want that "elections have consequences."
And red, white, and blue balloons.
Trust me, I understand.
OT, the new Superman movie will come out this summer. That should be cool!
You should have a petition about that.
But that doesn't mean we have to stay silent about Judge Alito's nomination.
Elections sure haven't silenced Al Gore, but, if they did, we'd miss the hilarity.
Speak away, Frenchie!
I'm sorry, but even Seymour Butts find this one too useless to participate in.
President Bush had the opportunity to nominate someone who would unite the country in a time of extreme division.
Who? A magical sorcerer? Someone with the power to hypnotize the entire country?
He chose not to do this, and that is his right.
He chose not to nominate someone who would unite the entire country same as he chose not to flap his arms and fly.
But we have every right -- in fact, we have a responsibility -- to fight against a radical ideological shift on the Supreme Court.
Yeah, gotta stop that radical ideology of consulting the Constitution on Constitutional decisions.
This nomination was a sellout to the demands of the extreme right wing of the Republican Party.
Yay! Score one for me!
The president gave no thought to what the American people really wanted - or needed.
Are you saying I'm not people now? Is this because I'm part Italian?
Why do you hate wops, Senator?
So now that the president and Judge Alito have proven they won't stand up for the majority of Americans, we have to stand up.
You guys don't even stand up to pee.
We have to speak out.
Speaking out is about all you guys do now.
That's the true meaning of "advice and consent."
We'll have to redefine it to "Shut yer pie-hole!"
Oh, yeah, sure; now you're sincere.
...the haughty, French-looking Massachusetts Democrat, who, by the way, served in Vietnam.
Say hi to Justice Alito for me Tuesday!
Since it's Friday, I thought I'd spread the joy of humor-free, apolitical Friday Catblogging to IMAO (aka "I-MEOW").
Today, it's Nardo the Odd...
If you're not sure how this absurd scene pertains to IMAO, since IMAO is famous for that "political humor" thing, it doesn't. If you must have some semblance of politics or humor in everything you read here, just assume that Nardo is... um...
Help me out here. Make your suggestions in the comments how this scene is, in fact, a political allegory.
January 26, 2006
Yay! Biden Gets to Hear Himself Speak Some More!
Following the Palestinians in committing collective suicide, apparently Kerry is calling for a filibuster of Alito. Now the American people get to watch some Democrats shake their tiny fists in impotent rage before Alito is inevitably voted the next Supreme Court Justice.
This is just the sort of wackiness that inspired me to start writing political humor. Go Kerry!
UPDATE: Dude, Kennedy is joining Kerry in this! That man is like 95% living joke, 4% man, and 1% whiskey. Pure entertainment is sure to follow.
I like the new craze with the moonbats; since they're unsuccessful attacking conservatives, they're now after the weaker liberals.
Yes, please spend all your energy on bringing down Chris Matthews and Katie Couric; that'll really scare us.
Is Kofi trying to say something?
A statement from Kofi Annan about the recent Palestinian elections:
The Secretary-General telephoned President Mahmoud Abbas to congratulate him and the Palestinian people on the peaceful and orderly conduct of the legislative elections. He expressed his appreciation of the work of the Central Election Commission, which received assistance from the United Nations for the preparatory electoral work. The Secretary-General views these elections as an important step towards the achievement of a Palestinian State. He looks forward to the publication of the results of the elections over the coming days, and to discussing them with Quartet partners.
You know, there's usually some kind of reference to the section of the Roadmap which states:
will result in the emergence of an independent, democratic Palestinian State living side by side in peace and security with Israel and its other neighbors
With some kind of mention of contiguous borders or another.
But this time, there's no mention of those pesky "peace" and "security" and Israel" things here. Just "indpependent Palestinian State."
Isn't that odd?
"Dear Buddha, I'd Like a Pony and a Second Season of Firefly"
A page has been started to promote there being a second season of Firefly. I know The Blender has mentioned this before, but sales of the previous season seem to indicate that there would be a good amount of money to make another season straight to DVD. There has yet to be a straight to DVD TV show, but watching a series off DVD is my preferred method of viewing. Maybe someone will do the math...
Is There Anything Left to Be Said About This?
I haven't done a new editorial in a while, but I don't know what else to say about the Hamas victory that wasn't already said in my previous editorial "We Shouldn't Rest Until All Palestinians Have Been Pushed into the Sea." Also, don't forget the Know Thy Enemy: Hamas.
I'll try and think of something, though.
Well, there's one good thing to come out of all of this...
Achmed Queri is called "Abu Ala" by his followers, but I refer to him as "Abu Merang."
Well, the man has threaten to resign, turned in his resignation, or actually quit and come back multiple times in the past two years or so in his role as the Prime Minister of the Palestinian Authority, both under Arafat and Abbas.
Like a boomerang, no matter how hard he's tossed, he always comes back.
But not this time.
There's plenty of room in the parking lot of the Mukata for him. I hope he gets a good space.
It's Like Electing a More Violent, Dumber Version of the Nazis
The Palestinians were given a choice of pretending to like the Jews to kill them later, or to kill the Jews now. In a democratic election oversaw by Jimmy Carter, they chose not to wait on the Jew-kill'n.
Who can tell me these people don't deserve their own state? Come on!
The results are in, and the Palestinians have just collectively strapped on a bomb belt. With Hamas as the majority party, the Palestinians should be preparing the sea for an influx of Jews as we speak. Of course, in reality, I'm expecting many more dead Palestinians in the future, because the idea of having peace talks with Hamas is not only moronic, but morally reprehensible.
Well, I'll expect some commentary from Lair on this. If it hasn't been mentioned before, he's Jewish and thus obligated to have opinions on things like this.
UPDATE: I was wondering how the muckadoos at DU are reacting to this. Some see it for what it is, some see no problem, and one see it as another reason Alito must be filibustered!
UPDATE 2: Bush is going to hold a press conference at 1015.
UPDATE 3: Not really related, but there was a post at DU about Chris Penn's death, and I was curious if somehow one of them would blame Bush.
UPDATE 4: Iran's government is super happy at the election results. I'm starting to think that the extremists are going to be getting the violence they want... they just aren't going to be happy with who will ultimately be doing the dying.
January 25, 2006
The New Democratic Code of Conduct
Congressional Democrats will be attempting to grab the moral high-ground by making ethics an issue in 2006. Specifically, they want to introduce a new Congressional "code of conduct", hoping to take advantage of the public's perception of scandal over the Abramoff affair.
Sure, Harry Reid funnels money to Nevada churches, Nancy Pelosi is "suddenly" remembering $8500 worth of vacations provided to her by lobbyists, and there aren't enough pixels in the entire internet to list all the wild spinnings of Ted Kennedy's moral compass - but still, I'm sure there's a lot the Dems can teach us about being well-behaved, as illustrated by these fake (but accurate) excerpts from the new Congressional Code of Conduct:
* Don't vote for any bridge projects unless they include provisions for guard rails which can withstand the impact of a 1967 Oldsmobile Delta 88.
* The use of the phrase "President Bush" in a speech is forbidden unless the sentence also includes the words "liar", "Nazi", "failure", "warmonger", and/or "retard".
* Do NOT use tinfoil hats, as they've been shown to actually INCREASE one's susceptability to Karl Rove's mind-control rays.
* Prove how dangerous guns are by having your Secret Service bodyguard shoot people at random.
* Make sure he hits an Affirmative Action quota's worth of black people, lest you be accused of racism.
* Tell the victims' families that it was the Republicans' fault for not spending more on body armor.
* Don't take bribes. If someone offers you money in return for a promise to vote a certain way on a bill, that's a bribe. Just take the money and wink slyly - that way there's technically no promise involved, and it's considered a "campaign contribution".
* Avoid using the racist and offensive term "terrorist". Use "person of shrapnel" instead.
* Al Gore is NOT a piece of furniture - that's just his personality. Don't set your drink on him.
* If you do set your drink on him, at least use a coaster.
* Even if you just had a baby, don't offer a cigar to Hillary Clinton. It makes her twitchy for some reason.
* Carpooling can help save the Earth's precious, dwindling resources. Make sure there are at least two people in your vehicle at all times - for example, you and your limo driver.
* Whenever possible, shoot spitballs at that backstabber Zell Miller.
* If you accidentally put out his eye, blame the Republicans for not buying him body armor.
* True, body armor wouldn't have prevented an eye injury, buy your constituents are too stupid to figure that out, so there's no need to pass up a perfectly good opportunity to blame Republicans.
* NO MORE CRYING!... [looking your way, Voinovich]
Of course, none of this will help once word of the Democratic mining scandal gets out.
Carnival Of Comedy Reminder
Want to host? Email me at with "Host Carnival Of Comedy" as the subject.
I guess it is assumed that you don't subscribe to the Los Angeles Times
Q: Anybody notice the one suggestion Michelle Malkin didn't make in her Top 25 list?
A: (Okay, there is no answer. SarahK just told me to stop talking about Michelle Malkin. Oh, and SarahK told me to tell you that SarahK is pretty.)
Google's corporate motto was "Don't be evil." Now that they're helping the Commie Chinese government censor what its citizens can see, what's their new corporate motto?
The answer to this Fun Triva question has been removed to comply with the laws of the Chinese government. Please move along.
In My World: Who's Afraid of Democrats?
"Not another Osama bin Laden video," Bush grumbled, "These are always so boring!"
"But this one is particularly disturbing," the ominous figure of Karl Rove intoned.
"I already watched most of it, and he's basically just spouting Democrat talking points. I even saw him reading from a Kerry 2004 pamphlet at one point." Bush looked to the screen again. "Now he's to his stupid book review segment again."
"I really recommend Rogue State," Osama said, "It's quite an eye-opener. For lighter fair, Dude, Where's My Country is quite funny. Right now, I'm reading the new Stephen King novel and I'll have a review on that soon. Also, when the final Harry Potter book is released, expect a threatening tape soon after with my review."
Osama put back on his threatening face. "Now, Americans, I offer you a truce. I know we haven't really attacked you at home since 9/11, but we will again - this time for real. We're having a little trouble setting up, though... which reminds me: Bush's NSA wiretaps are totally illegal and should be stopped. Make sure you support a Congressional investigation of that and expect our new attack as soon as you get Bush to stop his illegal surveillance."
"There, the tape is over," Bush state, "Can I got back to watching Scrubs, now?"
"I don't think you've seen the problem with Osama's new strategy," Rove uttered.
"What? He just sounds like any Democrat... complete with impotent threats to stop me."
The hooded figure of Karl Rove crept out of the shadows. "And do people fear Democrats?"
Bush thought for a moment. "According to recent polls, Democrats are the least feared thing in the nation... ranking lower than babies, Chihuahuas, and baby Chihuahuas."
"So, if people start associating Osama with Democrats..."
Bush leapt to his feet. "People will stop fearing him and put their guard down! That insidious, bearded bastard!"
"Now you know what you must do..." Rove faded back in the shadows.
Bush stood alone in his office. "I never know what I'm supposed to do."
* * * *
"I've called this meeting to combat a growing problem," Bush announced, "Due to Osama bin Laden sounding just like any powerless Democrat, people are no longer fearing terrorists. We need a solution now!"
"We could commit our own act of terrorism and blame it on Al Qaeda," Alberto Gonzales proposed.
"That's a great idea, my torturing Mexican friend!" Bush exclaimed, "One which I can think of no problems with... morally or otherwise!"
"I have some explosives in my car if you want them," Condi said.
"Cool! This plan is coming together!"
"This is spiffy and all," Rumsfeld grumbled, "but when do I get my war with Iran?"
"You have to finish your current wars before you get a new one," Bush shot back. "Any other comments?"
"I just would like to suggest that maybe committing an act of terrorism on our own soil is a bad idea," Scott McClellan said. "If this is found out, I don't know how I'll spin this one to the press."
"You won't," Bush answered, "because you'll be in jail since you helped me do the bombing."
"What? I'm not helping you do this!"
"You have to," Bush stated, "We're the only ones without anything useful to do."
"Press conferences are useful!"
"Come on," Condi said. "We don't have any evidence that anyone other than bloggers ever pay attention to those."
"Well, I'm not blowing up anything where people will get hurt," Scott state adamantly.
Bush thought for a moment. "I have the perfect place."
* * * *
"We're blowing up the Kennedy compound?" Scott exclaimed.
Bush crept through the darkness. "Yeppers."
"But you said we wouldn't hurt any people."
"Kennedys ain't people."
Scott snuck past some trees. "Man, I'm supposed to be giving a press conference right now."
"Don't worry," Bush said, "I got you a good replacement."
* * * *
"Increasingly, Democrats are calling the NSA wiretaps illegal. How does the White House respond?"
"Yipe! Yipe!" Bush's Scotty dog Barney responded.
"I don't think you're answering the question."
Barney charged the reporter.
"Ahh! He's biting my nads! It's like Mike McCurry all over again!"
* * * *
"So where are we planting the explosives?" Scott asked as they got near the front of the compound.
Lying unconscious among numerous empty whiskey bottles on the porch was Ted Kennedy. "There lies the answer," Bush said with a smile.
* * * *
"Boston was put in a complete panic today as a pants-less, bomb-laden Ted Kennedy wandered the streets," the news anchor said. "No one knows what his demands are, as his speech is completely incomprehensible. Efforts to bring him down with bean bag bullets have only angered the already confused Kennedy. Some worry this bomb threat may be a new DNC tactic, and police warn to approach all Democrats with caution."
Bush turned off the TV. Just then, the hooded figure of Karl Rove emerged from the shadows. "People now fear Democrats, and thus they fear Osama as well. You have succeeded. As a reward, I have brought you the ancient cookie of victory."
Bush snatched the sweet immediately. "Woo-hoo! Chocolate chip!"
Profiles in Courage
Though many have been lambasting him, I for one want to thank Joel Stein for coming out and admitting he doesn't support the troops and urging others against the Iraq war to admit they don't support the troops too (see this interview with him for more details). As conservatives, I think we should support this new "truth in liberals" movement. Kudos to Joel Stein, you treacherous bastard.
Reynolds Jumping the Shark?
C'mon, what kind of loser links to a quiz?
I'd better clarify that, I guess. What kind of loser links to a non-genius, non-patriotism, non-Ted-Kennedy's-love-child quiz? What kind of loser links to a "what kind of_____ (that means fill in the blank) are you" quiz?
A Puppy blending, traffic hoarding, podcasting one. That's what kind.
What's next are we going to find out what kind of bread he likes with his breakfast? His favorite jelly flavor? His toast/butter preference? (I think I must be hungry) Is he going to set up one of those avatar thingies with the current weather?
Update: Now he thinks HE brought the quiz's image server down? Hubris!
I'm a Honda S2000!
You live on the edge, and you live for the adrenaline rush. You don't need luxuries, snob appeal, or superfluous gadgets. You put your top down, get your motor revving, and take all the curves that life throws at you at full speed. So what if you spin out occasionally?
Take the Which Sports Car Are You? quiz.
Mank "blog" Showed (part of) My Post on NBC's Dateline
Yep I'm like, famous and stuff now. You could probably say I've hit the big time. Alt least, that's what I've been telling folks anyway.
Doubt my claim af utter and sudden fame-itude? Go here to see the video.
I don't understand why there was no link (liberal bias) but hey I guess that's what them novice MSM type self-described "bloggers" do. We big timers can't be stooping... well to say what I'd be stooping to would be stooping to it.
And I'm anything, it's not a stooper. Stupid, maybe. Stooper, no.
January 24, 2006
A View into the Toilet Bowl
Greyhawk looks into the history of Daily Kos up to the strange and sudden involvement of John Kerry (who formerly disowned the site after the "screw 'em" controversy). His piece is called, quite appropriately, Cleaning the Toilets.
(hat tip to Blackfive)
Know Thy Enemy: DUmmies and KosKids
Chris Matthews has somehow gotten the moonbats hating him since he made the obvious comparison between Osama bin Laden's rhetoric and Michael Moore (who previously bragged that Osama must have watched his film Fahrenheit 911). John Kerry actually went on the mental patient emporium, Daily "Screw 'Em" Kos, to defend Michael Moore, probably in hopes that people don't realize that OBL's rhetoric was not quite as radical as Moore's and closer to his own.
This is a bad precedent for Democrats to be closely associating with the noisy nuts. What's next? Reid going on Democratic Underground and patiently listening to their crazed conspiracy theories involving Bush and Rove and aliens? The wackos of Daily Kos and DU have been trying for a while to grasp at the steering wheel of the Democratic Party with their tiny, clawed hands, but, if they get control of that Yugo, they'll send it off a cliff post haste. Thus, I had my crack research staff look into the crazies so that even the Democratic leadership will know:
FUN FACTS ABOUT DUMMIES AND KOSKIDS
* Commenters on the Daily Kos are often referred to as "KosKids" since "KosCrankyToddlers" is more cumbersome.
* Democratic Underground posters are referred to as DUmmies because they're dumb.
* Most haven't bathed since the Clinton administration... and the more militant not even then.
* For a while, their membership peaked. But advances in voice recognition have caused a resurgence now that the illiterate can join them in posting.
* Karl Rove denies all rumors that he created DU and Daily Kos to help marginalize the Democratic Party. Also, Markos Moulitsas Zúniga vehemently denies he is Rove's lovechild... perhaps a little too vehemently.
* Psychology professors often use postings from DU and Daily Kos as examples of extreme paranoid schizophrenia. There is an academic debate, though, that the posters suffer less from diagnosable mental disorders and more from plain stupidity.
* Though DUmmies and KosKids rarely emerge from their dank dwellings, if you are confronted by one, simply repeat the phrase "President Bush" over and over, as that causes them physical pain.
* Another way to incapacitate a DUmmie or KosKid is to say "Chimpy McHitler" which will cause him to fall to the ground in a fit of uncontrollable laughter. The sight can be quite disturbing, though.
* Usually any death in Washington D.C. is blamed on a Bush conspiracy, but if something happens to Joe Lieberman, expect multiple people from DU and DailyKos to claim credit.
* DU and DailyKos are careful to exclude anyone from commenting who might deviate from the norm and express a rational thought (i.e., "In some ways, Hitler was worse than Bush."). This was instituted on request of multiple janitors of mental wards who had to clean up all the poo thrown when DUmmies or KosKids find their beliefs questioned.
* The appointing of Howard Dean to DNC Chairman is considered by many to have been done to try and appease the crazies of DU and Daily Kos. The other benefit is that it keeps Dean in the public eye, making it very hard for him to sneak out at night and beat to death people with a hammer for trespassing on whatever he currently considers "his" bike path.
* Koko the Gorilla used to post to DU, but she was banned for always talking over everyone's heads.
* The posting on DU had a lasting effect on Koko, who, to this day, will attack a picture of Bush whenever she runs out of bananas.
* One strongly held belief by DUmmies and KosKids is that they are smarter than everyone else. If anyone disputes this, they will scratch and bite.
* It's just an urban legend that, if a DUmmie or Kos Kid bites you, you will become one. But it is a good idea to have the wound treated for infection and also receive rabies shots.
* In a fight between DUmmies, KosKids, and Aquaman, Aquaman would get along for a while when he blamed Bush’s policies for ocean pollution, but he would eventually be banned when he expressed that he saw no reason or evidence that Bush had Mel Carnahan killed.
* Though DUmmies and KosKids often vow to flee to Canada, in reality the security at their mental wards is too strong for that to happen.
* DUmmies and KosKids prefer the term "progressive" to "liberal." What they are progressing towards is unknown, but its probably complete mental breakdowns.
* Because of the constant, irrational anger that has overtaken DUmmies and KosKids, they are at great risk for high blood pressure and heart attacks. Other than that, there isn't too much nice to say about them.
* Some fear that the extreme hatred emanating from DUmmies and KosKids could lead to them committing acts of violence. This is unlikely, though, due to their underdeveloped opposable thumbs.
* When not gnashing their teeth and stomping their feet at everything the "evil" Republicans are doing, the DUmmies and KosKids are often complaining how the Democrats aren't following their insane and counterintuitive advice. Democrats often have Ted Kennedy try and calm the moonbats, as they are more than happy to change Teddy’s adult diapers.
* While many claim to "support the troops," the DUmmies and KosKids do everything up to and including supporting the terrorists with their rhetoric. This quite dismays the terrorists as they fear any association with the DUmmies and KosKids would make it easy to have their organizations labeled as "nuts."
* If anyone on DU or DailyKos deviates from the groupthink, the person is often accused of being a "Freeper." From context, this word appears to mean "someone capable of logical and/or rational thought."
* If you don't find this list funny, someone from DU or DailyKos could explain to you how that is Bush's fault.
* While many people read the ramblings of the DUmmies and KosKids for entertainment purposes, remember that these posts represent real people lurking out there who think these things. Not so funny now, is it?
The Weekly "Wasn't Last Night's Episode of 24 Badass?" Post
Posted by Frank J. at 09:43 AM | 24 Badass?" Post&Body=http://www.imao.us/archives/004644.html">Email This
Wow! Wasn't last night episode of 24 badass?
January 23, 2006
I Guess I Better Draft Condoleezza Rice
According to John Hawkins’s new blogger poll (which I forgot to participate in this time), Condoleezza Rice is the favorite for conservatives for the next President. The only problem is that she has not said that she will run. Many people have tried to draft Condoleezza Rice, but not me! I think I'll write her a letter that should convince her for sure:
Dear Condoleezza Rice,
If that won't do it, nothing will.
Tear Down The Separation Barrier, Duncan!
Let me be the first to protest the building of a fence around Duncanville High School.
The claims by school administrators that this is "a deterrent to fights" is obviously just cover for this outrageous illegal land grab and human rights violation, and I look forward to the Duncanville Regime facing harsh punitive measures when their case is brought before the International Court of Justice.
End the occupation of Duncanstine by Duncanville High School Free Duncanstine! Duncanstine for Duncanvillans!
The Bin Laden Book Club
After getting a recommendation from the great modern literary critic Osama bin Laden, the anti-American book Rogue State has shot up in sales. Due to common misspellings, Rouge State, a memoir of being a transvestite in America, is also selling increasingly well.
Are You Canadian? I Think You Must Be Canadian
Spacemonkey, who is dumb and stupid (and apparently had this post appear on Dateline) put up this stupid dumb quiz (which I only got 15 to before I gave up because it was stupid and dumb; SarahK got 31 and would have gotten more if she were British). I have a better quiz, because it's about basic facts about the U.S. and our government. If you get any wrong, you should like leave America now and probably die. I raced through it in like a minute and got them all right (except for one which no one knows the answer to).
Take the test here.
January 22, 2006
Yay! I'm a Chickenhawk!
In the comments to this post, an anonymous troll posted the following:
So Harv, if it's so wonderful over in Iraq, why to hell aren't you over there serving in some capacity. Nothing to be afraid about buddy, I can assure you of that. Just make sure you bring along some decent body armor.
Why am I not in Iraq?
Probably because I'm a spineless coward who lets other people fight his battles for him.
But at least I have the decency to show some gratitude to those who have chosen to do so.
Anyway, I didn't want to have to play the "prior service" card, but since Spacemonkey & Daniel did it for me, I'll point out that I served on an aircraft carrier (USS Enterprise, CVN 65) during the late 80's. This was back when the Russian war plan included having nukes aimed at her, so I'm not a *complete* stranger to "ass on the line".
So what's YOUR excuse, anonymous troll? If you oppose the war, how come you're not in Iraq fighting alongside the terrorists?
There's probably nothing to be afraid about as long as you hide in a mosque.
January 20, 2006
Totally True Tidbits About Glenn Reynolds' DNA
After being discovered in Los Angeles surrounded by a pile of recently-sacrificed hobos, Glenn Reynolds underwent a DNA test to see if he was the real killer.
Well, you KNOW what happens to DNA evidence in trials for murders committed in California, so Glenn walked, based on the fact that his hobo-murdering gloves were two sizes too small.
Ah, the power of washing things in hot water.
Nevertheless, I *did* manage to get ahold of a copy of the lab report on Glenn's DNA, from which I compiled (in the extended entry) these:
While most humans have 98% of their DNA in common with a chimp, Glenn is 99% poodle.
Glenn's DNA will begin robot dancing if exposed to pure commie evil and/or Ted Kennedy.
Glenn's DNA was once shot a man for snoring too loud.
Remember that mobile weapons lab they found in Iraq? It was used for manufacturing Glenn's DNA.
Most people have Adenine, Guanine, Cytosine, and Thymine making up their DNA sequences. Glenn has Iodine, Einsteinium, Nitrogen, and Dysprosium, with the most common sequence being "I-N-D-E-E-D".
If Glenn's DNA bites you, you will start blogging by the next full moon.
If you're already a blogger, you will launch a blog ad consortium called "Lingerie Media" which people will make fun of.
Glenn's DNA made a cameo appearance during the Cantina scene in Star Wars. Look closely while Luke is talking to the bartender.
Glenn's DNA is used as currency in Iraq, although they pronounce it "dinar".
The secret ingredient in Underdog's "Super Energy Vitamin Pill" was Glenn's DNA. How's that for irony?
Traces of Glenn's DNA were found all over New Orleans, leading to speculation that Hurricane Katrina was caused by Glenn's typing too fast.
Glenn's DNA shows scars from where he had the "basic human decency" gene surgically removed.
Extensive testing on Glenn's DNA reveals that he's the real father of all those creepy "Village of the Damned" kids.
Glenn's DNA is featured prominently in the "Organic Chemistry Gone Wild: Spring Break" DVD.
Glenn's DNA released a rap album under the name "Vanilla Splice".
Injections of Glenn's DNA will cause a laboratory rat to grow inside a cancerous tumor.
If you're attacked by Glenn's DNA, point behind it and shout, "Look! An unlinked Ann Althouse post!". Flee when it turns to look.
Due to a defect in the 23rd chromosome, Glenn's DNA can NOT be trained to walk down stairs like a Slinky.
"What walks down stairs, alone or in pairs, and makes a slinkity sound?"... GAH! Now I can't get that stupid song out of my head!
Glenn's DNA always cries at the end of "Old Yeller".
And remember, the most commonly available source of Glenn Reynolds' DNA is rent-by-the-hour motel mattresses.
Oh, wait... that's for Kennedys.
Are You a Friggin' Genius?
According to Mensa (the smart folk society) if you get 19 of the riddles right on this test you, my egg head friend, are a friggin' genius.
Actually, the test doesn't measure friggin-ness, just genius-ness.
Want to know how I did? Don't look below the fold till after you take the test.
And it takes a while, but I'll wait right here for you.
Not too shabby
Are YOU a Ted Kennedy Love Child?
According to the article, the child would now be 21 years old. This prompts a few questions from this blogger: What was this woman thinking? What was this woman thinking? And – oh yeah – WHAT WAS THIS WOMAN THINKING?
Another question that comes to mind is: when this kid was growing up – did he KNOW who his father was? And if he didn’t – then – hold on to your chair – how do we know that WE aren’t Teddy Kennedy’s love children?
That’s where Ducky comes to the rescue.
The "Are You A Ted Kennedy Love Child?" Quiz.
Think back to your childhood and answer these questions honestly.
1. When you sat on the cool, cool grass in your backyard, looking up at the night sky, what did you ask yourself?
A. What makes the stars shine?
2. When I was growing up, I longed to join:
A. The Boy Scouts
3. Late at night, when the house was quiet and I was still awake, my greatest fear was:
A. A burglar
A. Hot Cocoa
5. My favorite childhood toy was:
A. My race car
6. Elmo was my favorite stuffed toy because…
A. I liked Sesame Street
7. My favorite action figure was:
A. G.I. Joe
8. When mommy and daddy talked about the upcoming family reunion, they were talking about going to:
A. A restaurant where we’d sit in a big banquet room
A. “Separate each syllable as best I can”
A. G.I. Joe
How do you feel you did? Well, around here – we ain’t Democrats so we’re going to actually have to COUNT the points.
10-12 points. It’s pretty safe that you aren’t Ted Kennedy’s kid. I’d say you had a typical childhood.
13-20 points. Probably not a Love Child, but it wouldn’t hurt you to get a little bit of therapy on the side.
21 – 28 points. You might consider getting tested. Consider collecting some Teddy saliva for DNA testing. If he won’t give it to you, go to his next speech and try to sit in the first three rows.
30 points. I’m sorry but jyou meeeen I huvhuvhub to shssssssssssspk anan an whu?
So Ray Nagin says New Orleans should be rebuilt as a chocolate city and will be a chocolate city. I can't fault him for that. I love chocolate. But if N.O. is to be chocolate, would anyone be upset if I were to suggest that it be not just any old chocolate but a rich dark chocolate, you know with only racially pure chocolate beans? You know, the good stuff, made from fresh chocolate beans.
Much of the chocolate I see walking the streets looks like a light milk chocolate, maybe even a chocolate vanilla swirl and isn't strong and fullbodied like the darkest dark chocolate. A pure chocolate New Orleans could be made pure and kept pure by some sort of a Chocolate Cleaning Club, or a CCC for short. The Chocolateers of the CCC could ride in the daylight wearing some sort of dark robes, maybe nice headdress as well, and strike fear into any lighter impurities that might wander in and be found in the chocolate from time to time.
Unfortunately for Nagin, there'd be no place for people of, dare I say it, a neopolitan heritage like himself in the reborn Big Eboneasy. But I'm sure some peppermint mocha town like Atlanta or a moosetracks burg like Seattle would welcome him.
Since it's Friday, I thought I'd spread the joy of humor-free, apolitical Friday Catblogging to IMAO (aka "I-MEOW").
Today, it's Piper the Cavekitty...
If you're not sure how this absurd scene pertains to IMAO, since IMAO is famous for that "political humor" thing, it doesn't. If you must have some semblance of politics or humor in everything you read here, just assume that Piper is... um...
Help me out here. Make your suggestions in the comments how this scene is, in fact, a political allegory.
Now I don't know if it was a specifically a crook or a liar that posted this on Crooks and Liars, and in the broader scheme of things it really doesn't matter, but apparently Chris Matthews, long time leftist mouthpiece, has gone and compared everyone's favorite 9/11 movie mastermind, Michael Moore, to everyone's favorite 9/11 live action mastermind, Osama Bin Laden.
OBL's comment that Matthews was comparing to MM, and this is from the BBC's transcript of the tape, was this:
There is no defect in this solution other than preventing the flow of hundreds of billions to the influential people and war merchants in America, who supported Bush's election campaign with billions of dollars.Preposterous! I can't imagine words like this coming from MM's lips. Sounds more like something Dean would say and MM would repeat.
Mr. Crook or Mr. Liar, (he posts anonymously, coward) waxes hypothetical about the repercussions if the comparison was different.
If he compared a conservative figure to Osama what do you think would happen?Umm... you'd be parroting it, selling T-shirts with a direct quote and getting a Chris Matthews tattoo? That's my guess. I can ponder too. What if he compared a sitting American President to a dead WW2-era, narrow mustached, German dictator? What would happen, then? Boy, I wonder. I'm just glad we don't live in a world where idiotic unfair comparisons like that could ever happen.
Or what? Mikey will eat him? Why get all defensive about MM anyway? The slam was clearly intended to be against Dialysis boy, not Dying-for-a-twnkie boy. Osama is the one who's being smeared here.
If anything, I think OBL deserves an apology too. At least Osama has offered another truce, that's more than I can say for Mikey.
January 19, 2006
Q: What was the first clue that Ted Kennedy sired a "love child" back in 1995?
A: He asked a Defense Department contractor to design a child safety seat that floats and doubles as a wine chiller "foh a babah showah."
As the Sand Falls
Cool time waster, with it's own song!
I like setting the pen size to 32, filling the screen completely with spout, use the "???", let some plant grown until it fills the entire screen, and then start a fire on the plant. Then there's plant and fire forever! Ha ha ha!
(hat tip Jonah Goldberg from The Corner)
Destined for the Bargin Bin
So, now there's another new audiotape from Osama bin Laden, and that just shows how backwards these Islamists are in that they still haven't moved onto CDs. Why can't he publish his threats on iTunes?
So does he have enough material for a greatest hits album now?
Osama bin Laden's Greatest Hits
Carnival Of Comedy Is Up
The latest Carnival of Comedy, hosted this week by Rachel at Pereiraville, is up! Go lookie look at all the funny submitted and sorted and processed and belittled and Rachel linked to at the Carnival of Comedy #38!!. Go Rachel!
Carnival Schedule Update:
January 18, 2006
The Other Kennedy Book
So Ted Kennedy wrote a children's book called "My Senator And Me: A Dog's Eye View Of Washington, D.C.":
The gimmick of this book is that it's written from the perspective of his Portuguese Water Dog, whose name is Amigo's Seventh Wave, but who (seriously) goes by the nickname "Splash".
Interestingly, Splash is also the author of "My Senator Didn't See Me: A Dog's Earful of Things I Overheard Ted Say", notable for such Ted quotes as:
"PPPPFFFFFTTTT! Who the F%$@ put WATER in my Evian bottle!"
"No, I just accidentally washed my cap in hot water. My head is NOT getting bigger."
"I did NOT call you "Alioto" because I'm drunk, I called you Alioto because... oh, wait... you're right... nevermind."
"Can we hurry this up? I got a limo full of booze, broads, & bribes double-parked outside."
"If you don't vote for this bill, I will PERSONALLY drive each and every one of you home!"
Also be on the lookout for Splash's new book, "My Senator And Me and Mary Jo: A Dog's Eye View of Chappaquiddick". Picture from the back of the dust jacket in the extended entry...
I admire his Puppy Blender tactics...
You will not believe this, but our humble little site (okay - FrankJ's site - I'll admit it: We're just glomming onto his success) is UNDER ATTACK!!
Can you believe the nerve of some people thinking that insulting somebody will get you traffic? I'll have to contac the Puppy Blender and see if this really works.
For now, you need to know this: Ben at Ben's Rants and Raves is questioning FrankJ's credentials as a conservative! He even questions me - RightWingDuck - and my constant stealing of welfare money (guilty as charged but the checks don't bounce, baby).
Anyway, let me offer this in defense of FrankJ - um, er. Hmm. You know, I just can't trust people who like cats - except for girls. They're supposed to like useless things like cats, and tea, and bloggers.
Is there any way FrankJ can PROVE to us that he's not a liberal?
Please post in comments.
Once more, in the name of Spite
Just in case you thought that Martin Luther King's message of unity brought together the two rival factions forced to march together on Monday on a permanent basis, guess again:
Less than 24 hours after holding a joint parade to honor the Rev. Martin Luther King Jr., the race to obtain separate permits for next year was on Tuesday with the Black Heritage Society striking first.
I'm sick of this bickering and squabbling. In fact, I'm very tempted to submit my own application for a Martin Luther King Day parade.
After all, it's supposed to be a celebration for all races, right?
Who's with me?
MY MLK DAY PARADE CHECKLIST:
In My World: You Can't Strangle an Infidel with Nuclear Arms
"I will make New Orleans a chocolate town again!" Mayor Ray Nagin said. "And, if time permits, I will add a chewy nougat center. The important thing to remember, though, is that God hit us with a hurricane to punish the black community for its violence. He was also punishing us for the illegal war in Iraq; the reason he hasn't attacked Bush, though, is because God is an elitist Who has a double standard for rich white men!"
The heavens then opened up and a loud voice boomed, "How dare you try and pin this on Me, you incompetent boob! I wasn't the one Who left all those buses underwater!"
A giant hand then came from the heavens and started thrashing Nagin about. Pat Robertson emerged from the crowd and shouted, "God must be punishing Nagin because he's a homosexual!"
"You shut up!" God responded. "You're next!"
Bush changed the channel on the TV. Gore was on screen giving a speech. "Bush needs to be investigated to see if those NSA wiretaps are illegal... which they were!" Gore thrashed his arms around in threatening fashion. "Gore-bot has determined Bush is threat! Gore-bot destroy! Bush is ruining America... the same as iPod Nanos! Those are a conspiracy to control our brains!"
One of the hobos on the street corner watching him coughed.
"How dare you interrupt me!"
Bush chuckled. "Somewhere sits an unopened bottle of meds prescribed to Albert Gore."
Condoleezza Rice entered the room. "Are you watching TV?"
"I'm watching the news and not cartoons this time! Honest!"
Condi turned off the TV. "Nagin and Gore count as cartoons. You need to confront Iran about their nuclear program."
Bush groaned. "But I don't wanna! You think you can tell me what to do just because you're my vice-president, but you can’t!"
"I'm the Secretary of State."
"Oh... so how are all the states doing? I've been having some concern about Vermont."
Condi rolled her eyes. "I deal with foreign affairs, moron."
"Oh yeah... just like Powell did." Bush thought for a moment. "So what's it with black people and being the Secretary of State?"
Condi tossed a phone at Bush. "Just call the President of Iran... and make sure to use your threatening voice."
"But I hate using the phone," Bush grumbled as he began to dial the phone. "I never know when the NSA is spying on me." Bush put the phone to his ear. "Hello, President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad? This is President George W. Bush."
"What do you want, infidel?"
"I heard you guys are starting a nuclear program, and I don't quite cotton to that."
"We're just making nuclear power plants, American pig-dog."
"Okay; that's cool." Bush hung up the phone and turned to Condi. "It's just for nuclear power."
"Idiot!" Condi yelled at him. "Are you just going to take their word on that? The Iranian government is evil!"
"Fine; I'll call him back, but now I'll just feel like I'm bugging him." Bush redialed. "Hey, Mahmoud, it's Dubya again."
"You're trying my patience, infidel."
"Yeah, well, I was just wondering what you guys need all that nuclear power for?"
"To kill joooos."
"Okay; as long as you have an explanation." Bush hung up the phone and leaned back in his seat as he yawned. He then suddenly sprung to his feet. "Wait! Killing Jews is bad!"
"That's why we need to do something," Condi asserted.
"Can't we just turn a blind eye to Israel and let them handle it like they did with Iraq's nuclear program?"
"No, because they'd have to fly over Iraq to reach Iran, which means we'd have to explicitly give them permission."
Bush shook his fist in the air. "Stupid geography! Always working against me! I guess we'll have to do something, then. Summon the Rumsfeld with the Rumsfeld signal!"
"Donald!" Condi yelled out.
A angry rottweiler ran into the room and tore apart a chair with vengeance. Soon walked in Donald Rumsfeld. "Chomps is full of rage; that means a new war is near."
"Well, we do need to do something about Iran," Bush said.
"We have plans for that," Rumsfeld answered. "We'll infect the populace with a virus that turns them into man-eating zombies who will tear each other apart. My grandson got the idea from a videogame."
"No more zombie plagues!" Bush shouted. "Anyway, a lot of the populace is pro-America and we shouldn't hurt them."
"Rarr!" Rumsfeld yelled as he punched a whole in the wall. "My job is to kill people! If you want people not killed, you talk to someone else!" Rumsfeld then stormed out of the room. Chomps snarled and then followed him.
"I guess some hard diplomacy is the only answer," Bush answered, "Let's send a fruit basket to Mahmoud with a note asking him to pretty please stop his nuclear program... and let's poison the fruit."
"And what do you expect that to accomplish?" Condi asked.
"I don't think through my actions," Bush said, "The enemy can't tell what you're thinking if you don't think - that's straight from The Art of War by General Tso."
Condi sighed. "I'll go tell Scott McClellan to expect a firestorm from the press."
Bush looked worried. "The press has learned how to use fire?!"
"Well, a nuclear war will make for a good memoir," Condi muttered as she left the room.
Carnival of Comedy Reminder
Do you like chocolate? Of course you do! What are you racist? You should look forward to the carnival of comedy. It's coated in peanut butter and will melt in your pants pocket, not in your French Quarter!
Rachel at Pereiraville will be our chocolately hostess tomorrow. She's always like a semi sweet morsal to us here at IMAO.
Want to host? Email me at with "Host Carnival Of Chocolate Comedy" as the subject.
Participate in the Carnival of Cocoa Comedy, help restore New Orleans as the Hershey, PA of the south.
This edition of the carnival is sponsored by the National Association for the Advancement of Chocolate People.
Another Opinion... Sort Of
Book reviewing is new to me, but I need to read more as I aspire to be a writer myself so don't be suprised if more pop-up.
And more In My Worlds™; people seem to like those.
January 17, 2006
You Learn Something New Every Day
My dad has always been a huge coffee drinker and taught me to drink it strong and black (he's banned from making coffee at work since he makes it too strong). I was talking to him over the phone the other day discussing how to make the strongest cup of coffee. I said I prefer the darkest roast available, because it gives me the strongest taste and the best pick me up. At that point, an NSA operative broke into the conversation and said that, while darker roasts taste stronger, they have less caffeine since the roasting process actually burns off caffeine.
Never thought of that.
Frank Book Reviews: The Weapon
I just finished reading The Weapon by Michael Z. Williamson - which speaks well of it since I actually set aside time to read it (usually all my reading is done on plane flights, so books can sit half-read for months). The description on the book's dust cover was a bit misleading as the plot described was really the last few chapters and gives away what could have been a surprise (I wonder who makes dust cover decisions). The novel doesn't have much of a plot until the third part as its mainly about one man’s military career, told in first person going from the main character, Kenneth Chinran, making a decision to join the military and getting recruited to an elite force to his final military operation to end all military operations. Despite the lack of a main plot for two thirds of the book, the novel drew me in pretty quickly.
I'm not sure exactly how many years in the future the story takes place, but mankind has moved on to many planets. The largest entity is the U.N. and thus most people live under the sort of liberal fascism you'd expect if the U.N. and Democratic Underground took over (there's actually a small dig at Democratic Underground worked into the book). The main character is from the small nation of Freehold, a sort of libertarian paradise on its own planet. I never completely understood the government of that nation other than that there wasn't much of one and was set up in such a way that the U.N. could demonize them as being a dictatorship despite how they succeeded the U.N. in every aspect.
While government philosophy comes up, the main focus is definitely military. The training of Chinran to become an Operative (a sort of special forces super-soldier) and reasons for the extreme training are all gone into quite explicitly. It all seemed really well thought out, but the novel got really interesting when Chinran had to do some actual field training. More than just fighting skill, it’s about security and exploiting security as well as psych-ops, I always find that fascinating. A large section has Freehold teaming with the U.N. to help settle Mtali - a sort of Middle East the planet complete with Muslim terrorists - to get real combat experience. The attempts at settling the planet was quite well done, and I think it showed a lot of insight into the mind of terrorists without relying on caricatures. Also, it contrasted an efficient military with a much more bureaucratic and PC one of the U.N. (not that the Freehold military was depicted as perfect like the quite utopian military from Starship Troopers).
The final part of the book was the most exciting and the most unsettling. You're torn between being impressed by how efficiently some Operatives are able to take down a planet where people are completely dependent on government while being repelled by how much carnage there are of innocent citizens. The main character is essentially committing the largest acts of terrorism in human history, and it raises the question of how much innocent life is it right to kill to defend one's country (the victims are depicted as deluded, not evil). It ended being quite uncomfortable to read as I wasn't sure where I fell, and in that way I think the novel was a huge success in making me look at some important issues in a new way.
Complaints: The book was at times too vulgar and explicit for my tastes. I hate metrics when used colloquially. Some people and issues were shown two-dimensionally, but, since everything is from the perspective of the main character, that can be forgiven. There was a bit of sermonizing on some issues. There were also too many commas.
Final Verdict: Four out of Five stars. I was leaning towards a slightly lower rating, but I don't think a book has caused me to re-look at some core issues as much as the violence in this novel has. If you like military SF, then this is a definite buy.
You can check out the first seven chapters here. Next, I'll probably be reading Williamson's first novel, Freehold, which is tangentially related to this novel (the main character of The Weapon appears in Freehold and the main character of Freehold appears in The Weapon). SarahK is reading it right now, though, and seems to quite enjoy it despite it involving some lesbianism (she hates that). All of Freehold is available from Baen in it's free library here.
If anyone else has read The Weapon, I'd certainly love to hear your opinion in the comments.
UPDATE: Laughing Wolf at Blackfive had some of the same reaction to the book.
Well, the New York Times is getting closer to the truth...
The New York Times ran a story about the targeted assassination of Dr. Ayman Al-Zawahiri at a dinner in the border of Pakistan and Afghanistan, but he never showed up.
The photo that accompanied the story showed an artillery shell mis-identified as part of the missile that struck the building the dinner was held in.
The good news is that the New York Times is getting closer to the truth by using a photograph of missiles now.
The bad news...
This is the photo they're using now:
Unless there's an option for increasing the range on those things from five feet to fifteen thousand miles and putting an explosive payload on them, I don't think Frisky is responsible for these particular (justified) killings.
On the other hand, whether or not he is a member of the CIA is classified information. As we've learned with the Valerie Plame affair, an operative could be riding a desk at Langley and they're still considered to be undercover despite havingbeen pulled from the field years ago.
But I wouldn't put it past Bob Novak to blab about it the next time he's geshlonkered on rum punch and Schlitz Malt Liquor.
Stupid old fart.
CTU Agent Samwise Gamgee
Wow, Sean Astin came in for the fourth hour of 24 this season as CTU Agent Lynn McGill. I liked a scene with him so much, that I decided to transcribe it for anyone who missed it (spoilers, of course):
CTU DIRECTOR BILL BUCHANAN: Everyone stand at the alert; Jack Bauer has finalized the plans and it's time for our rescue operation against the terrorists to commence.
(Lynn McGill comes running down the stairs)
BUCHANAN: (groans) What is it, Lynn? You already took my office, but did you think of another way to publicly emasculate me? Maybe by giving me your first name?
MCGILL: I analyzed the transcripts between Jack Bauer and Agent Curtis, and I think he may have been trying to signal that he was captured by the terrorists and is speaking under duress.
BUCHANAN: But we ran what he said against all known field codes and didn't come up with anything in his message.
MCGILL: Did anyone actually listen to what he said, though?
CHLOE: No, that's what computers are for, you fat, stupid hobbit! Uhh!
MCGILL: Well, listen to this.
(Starts audio file playing on a computer)
JACK: Curtis, I want you to change your plans and now attacks for the southeast corridor.
CURTIS: That doesn't make any sense... but okay!
JACK: I'm in a flank two position. I repeat, a flank two position.
CURTIS: Got it. Attacking from the southeast.
JACK: Yes, but the most important thing to remember is that I'm in a flank two position. A flank two position.
CURTIS: I heard you the first time.
JACK: You do know what a flank two position is, right?
CURTIS: Uh... I assume it hasn't something to do with you being to the rear. If you're worried about us shooting you, though, we all know what you look like. Man, I can't wait to attack from the southeast now; the terrorist will never expect it!
JACK: (groans) So, is Donald Ress in your strike team?
CURTIS: Donald Ress? Never heard of him.
JACK: You sure you've never heard of D. Ress? He's a great agent, that D. Ress. Do you understand what I'm saying?
CURTIS: Yes, but we don't have enough time to find Donald Ress and add him to the team.
JACK: That's too bad, because I used to serve UNDER D. RESS!
CURTIS: (long pause) You're sounding funny, Jack. We better attack from the southeast as soon as possible and get you out of there.
(McGill turns off the recording and looks around)
MCGILL: Anyone notice anything about that conversation?
(Everyone shrugs their shoulders)
BUCHANAN: You're wasting our time, Mikey. If you cause us to botch this mission, I'll see you're sent back to the Goondocks.
MCGILL: Jack was using an old code to signal he was under duress... one that was protocol back when he worked for CTU.
BUCHANAN: Check into that, Chloe.
CHLOE: According to our records, Jack once worked for a Patrick Ress, but never a Donald Ress. I think he was speaking in code!
BUCHANAN: (pulls out phone) Curtis, abort the attack. (hangs up) Looks like you saved this mission, Mr. McGill.
CTU STAFF: Rudy! Rudy!
* * * *
The other scene I really liked was when Jack blew up a terrorist with a cell phone as a distraction:
* * * *
CHLOE: Have you identified whether the terrorists are Middle Eastern?
JACK: We only deal with Arab terrorists on even numbered seasons. I think these are Russians. They’re about to execute Derrick; I can't let that happen. He reminds me of my daughter in that he's nothing but a burden to my mission... though his hair is longer and his lips redder than hers.
(Prominently displays Sprint logo as he uses his phone to take pictures of the terrorists from his hidden location)
JACK: I'm sending you more pictures. Can you identify what that is on the right of the terrorist’s chest?
CHLOE: It looks to be a cell phone trigger for their explosive vests.
JACK: If you could send me the signal to trigger them, I could use that as a distraction.
CHLOE: I think Spencer might be able to help me with that. Spencer! Can you help me identify this phone?
SPENCER: Sure, I have lots of experience with that sort of thing... and other things too. Yeah!
(Edgar jumps to his feet)
EDGAR: You shut up, you dirty man-whore! You stay away from Chloe and you shut up! YOU SHUT UP!
CHLOE: Uhh! Calm down Edgar. Spencer, did you find the cell phone information?
SPENCER: Got it!
CHLOE: Jack, we're uploaded the information to your highly versatile Sprint phone, that, I might mention, is only $89 when you sign a two year contract. You'll have to reboot your phone and hit the star key when the phone says it ready.
(Jack reboots his phone. He then looks to see that Derrick is about to be shot in the head and turns back to his Sprint phone)
JACK: It's still rebooting! This is taking too long! Stupid Sprint phone!
(Chloe clutches her chest in shock)
CHLOE: We've let you run by your own rules, execute people at your own discretion, cut heads off with hacksaws, disobey the President, and even have a drug habbit, but when you insult the Sprint phone, that's when the really higher ups are going to get angry. You don't want us to lose our funding, do you?
JACK: It's rebooted!
(Jack presses the star key on his phone with the prominently displayed Sprint logo, and a terrorist explodes into tiny pieces)
JACK: Heh, that was cool.
* * * *
24 is awesome! I can't wait until next Monday!
January 16, 2006
New York Times Munitions Blunders
What? The New York Times mis-identified munitions in a photo accompanying a story about the attempted plinking of Ayman Al-Zawahiri? They called an artillery shell a missile component?
Bah. Who's keeping score, anyway?
Me, of course...
TOP ELEVEN NEW YORK TIMES MUNITIONS BLUNDERS
11. Listed "Bow-Mounted Flamethrower" among armaments aboard the U.S.S. Naitulus. Everyone knows you mount then astern to burn any submarines chasing you.
10. Cain slew Abel with the jawbone of an ass, not a 357 Magnum as a gun control editorial by Maureen Dowd claimed in 2003.
9. The United States only had two completed nuclear bombs in 1945. A third weapon named "Big Boy" in the shade of a fat junevile in checkered pants holding an upraised platter with a hamburger on it may or may not have existed, but it was certainly never dropped on Tokyo.
8. Atomic bomb was dropped on Japan by the Enola Gay, not the Ben Gay. (blatant example of inserting advertising within news copy?)
7. Mistook actual authentic Native American tomahawks for Tomahawk missiles during French-Indian War in a scathing anti-Native American casinos lobbying editorial back in 1995. (still waiting on the retraction)
6. That's no space station, it's a moon. The Death Star does not exist, Tom Friedman, nor is there a top-secret Defense Department project to build one. (yet)
5. "The Charge Of The Light Brigade" was not, in fact, done with flashlights. (we're not sure what William Safire was smoking that day)
4. Claimed that the U.S.S. Maine was sunk "by a really huge friggin' rock hurled by angry giants." (But Jayson Blair claims he has photos, he just can't find which CDs he burned the files to)
3. Classic depiction of Yosemite Sam mis-identified as a sword-wielding ninja during Kennedy-Nixon debates.
2. Abraham Lincoln was not assassinated with a Zulu spear by John Wilkes Booth. Booth merely carried the spear as a backup should his pistols jam, and it served as a makeshift crutch after fracturing his ankle in the leap from the box to the stage.
1. The Firebombing of Dresden was not accomplished using fire-breathing serpents, wyrms, or dragons, no matter what Kurt Vonnegut may have told you in an exclusive interview. He was just trying to get into your pants.
Who's Running Iran?
To further enhance their standing as a serious nation in this world, the government of Iran is going to hold a conference questioning the validity of the Holocaust. Other plans from Iran to prove what a serious and nuclear weapons worthy nation they are:
* Send some stout ships to locate the edge of the world and slay the dragons there.
* New map design that allows you to wipe Israel off it with a damp sponge.
* A conference on the connection between earthquakes and Jews.
* Write up formal plans for who to suicide bomb once all non-Muslims have been eliminated.
* Take another look at whether the invention of the wheel goes against the Koran.
* Reforms to finally bring their government into the 19th century.
* New guidelines for Ayatollahs to keep them from being mistaken for members of ZZ Top.
* Settle the issue once and for all over whether eating Turkey bacon is blasphemous.
Is it just me...
Or do others find it creepy that Coretta Scott King's statement at The King Center's web site speaks of her husband as "Dr. King" repeatedly?
Did you shout "Martin" when you were in the sack together? (Of course not... Herbert Hoover made sure that Dr. King was in the sack with marijuana-using prostitutes and making home movies. How silly of me.)
Did she really write this? When?
Never mind the fact that she's only a few hand-waves and a drool-towel from joining Ariel Sharon in the vegetable bin right now, suggesting that this is a reprint or words shoved into her mouth from one of her kids taking a break from fighting over selling the King Center to the Parks Department, but I'm getting flashbacks of Bob Dole's creepy repeated use of the third-person in reference to himself.
"Bob Dole believes in Dr. King's legacy... Bob Dole has a dream..."
For all of her faults, at least Courtney Love refers to Kurt Cobain in close and familiar terms in between trips to rehab. And Yoko... um... who the heck understands that vampire, anyway?
My local paper celebrates Martin Luther King Day...
My local paper, The Houston Chronicle, celebrates Martin Luther King Day with a heavy-handed left-wing hijacking of King's principles to expouse their own political views.
Sort of like what Jesse and Al do on a near-daily basis, but not for personal gain.
Just profit and selling papers...
Just as he stood with refuse workers in Memphis in the last days before an assassin's bullet struck him down, King would championed the dispossessed evacuees of Hurricane Katrina, potent symbols of a race-based economic underclass that persists as a legacy of slavery and discrimination. The New Orleans nightmare that Katrina exposed indicates that the vision King enunciated in his "I Have a Dream" speech is not yet realized.
Yeah, that's also in the print edition.
You know, I have a dream that King would championed grammar lessons for newspaper editors.
Service So Good It's Freaking Me Out!
Netflix now has operations in Orlando - just an hour away from me - and, while I would expect that would mean faster turn around from mailing a movie to get a next one, what's happening seems to be breaking the laws of physics and government run monopolies.
Now, when I put a Netflix movie in my mailbox to mail back, the very next morning I get an e-mail "We've received your movie!" I'm then staring at the e-mail exclaiming, "No! First class mail does not work that quickly! You're spying on my mailbox!"
I don't care if I'm mailing something to my next door neighbor; U.S. mail does not move that fast. Now I'm left scrambling to update my queue to make sure the next movie being sent is one I actually want and not some movie I added because I felt I should see it.
So, now it takes only 48 hours from the time the mail carrier gets a returned Netflix movie until I receive the next one. Also, we have a trial membership to Amazon prime where 2nd day shipping is automatic with no extra cost. That means anything I order often gets to me in less than 48 hours.
I can't really imagine faster service of delivering physical goods until we have transporters.
Today's Martin Luther King Day!
So I didn't need to slow down when passing through the school zone on my way to work! Hooray!
If this day is supposed to celebrate someone who gave his life for civil rights, shouldn't we like do something related to that? SarahK is helping out a transitional home for homeless women in a largely black neighborhood, but that's more charity than civil rights... plus that was just conincidental that was today.
So those of you - especially those of you with the day off - how should we honor Martin Luther King's memory today by moving towards a color blind society?
And no just jabbing everyone's eyes out; that's the easy way.
Just Hanging 'Round the Watercooler
So, how about that 24?
UPDATE: SarahK has a nice point by point analysis of the first two Jack Bauer Power Hours this season (huge spoilers if you Tivoed it and haven't seen it yet; oh, and if you're on the East Coast and Tivoed it, you'll be missing the last act of the second hour because of a football postgame show).
January 15, 2006
US Troops Continue Torture Rampage
This time, America is bringing its punishing cruelty to the border guards of Tajikistan, as described by this CENTCOM press release:
The U.S. recently began a $3 million airlift of winter supplies and equipment to assist border guards in Tajikistan. Deliveries of food, winter clothing, medical supplies, tents and other needed supplies began arriving in Tajikistan on January 2 and will continue over the next several days.
As anyone who's eaten one knows, MRE's are unparalleled in their effectiveness as a means of inflicting inhuman misery
Please contact your elected officials today and demand that America put an immediate halt to it's terror campaign against the innocent citizens of Tajikistan.
Or check the CENTCOM website for more press releases and learn the AWFUL TRUTH about the consequences of America's unlawful unilateral invasion.
January 14, 2006
Three cheers for Kenny Boy!
Enron's former Chief Swindlerizing Officer (and penthouse-shutin resident of Houston that we'd trade for hundreds of thousands of hurricane-displaced New Orleansers any day of the week and twice on Sunday) Ken Lay is sick and tired of all the lies told about him and the fraudulent activities of his greedy gang of cohorts. So he's gone ahead and posted his own lies for the public to enjoy.
I, on the other hand, think that this endless cycle of lies needs to stop right now and the truth needs to come out.
IFOC News. We report, you laugh, then decide.
January 13, 2006
First Issue of Instapundit's Magazine Hits the Stands
As his lust for power consumes him, Glenn Reynolds continues to stretch his Empire beyond the blogosphere, and begins to insinuate his corrupting tendrils into the world of print media.
Cover shot of issue #1 in the extended entry...
Now everybody is saying that some other country that starts with I-R-A possess WMDs or is about to possess them.
Nope, not falling for that one again. This time, we wait until we see a nuclear explosion, and then it's the job of our efficient, friendly U.N.
On my way to work, I pass through a school zone. At many of the stoplights, they have crossing guards. They have the bright orange vest and stop signs as expected, but they also have crossing guard cars. They look like regular police cars in every way except it says "Crossing Guard" is big words on the side so no one would mistakenly use it for anything else.
Why is my tax money paying for this? Are there crossing emergencies that need require one a special car with lights and a siren to speed to the scene and help children across a crosswalk?
And who pushes dump trucks?
Apparently there was some dump truck pushing epidemic some time ago. Because of all the construction going on (stupid Bush economy), I get stuck behind dump truck a lot, and most of them have big letters on the back saying "Do Not Push." Previously, it would never have occurred to me to push a dump truck, but, if I happen to find myself standing next to one some day, I don't think I'll be able to resist.
What happens if you push them? Will I die? I might not push them if they said, "Do Not Push... Or You'll Die," but, as is, the dump trucks just appear overly sensitive.
Carnival of Comedy #37 Delayed, but available! At Absurd Spices
Carnival of Comedy #37 Delayed, but available! Welcome one and all to the 37th Carnival of Comedy. It's a tad delayed, but here we have it all laid out for your viewing pleasure.If your entry is in the carnival, be a non-doofus and link to it!
Since it's Friday, I thought I'd spread the joy of humor-free, apolitical Friday Catblogging to IMAO (aka "I-MEOW").
Today, it's Frisky the Feline Delinquent...
If you're not sure how this absurd scene pertains to IMAO, since IMAO is famous for that "political humor" thing, it doesn't. If you must have some semblance of politics or humor in everything you read here, just assume that Frisky is... um...
Help me out here. Make your suggestions in the comments how this scene is, in fact, a political allegory.
January 12, 2006
Name two members of the racist, sexist CAP organization other than Alito.
White males Laura Ingraham and Dinesh D'Souza.
Found this paragraph on an anti-Bush website:
PROGRESS REPORT - The White House portrays Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito's views as in the "mainstream." That claim is not supported by his judicial opinions or his activities prior to being nominated. In his 1985 application for a high-level job the Reagan administration, Alito touted his membership with "the Concerned Alumni of Princeton University." Alito joined Concerned Alumni at its founding in 1972. The organization, co-chaired in the beginning by Asa Bushnell and Shelby Cullom Davis, put forth a magazine called the "Prospect," espousing right-wing views against the inclusion of women, minorities, and other groups into Princeton. The New York Times notes, "The magazine's content also grew increasingly provocative under the editorship of conservative rising stars, including Dinesh D'Souza and later Laura Ingraham." The magazine was so extreme that a 1975 alumni panel including Sen. Bill Frist (R-TN) refused to support it, concluding "that Concerned Alumni had 'presented a distorted, narrow and hostile view of the university that cannot help but have misinformed and even alarmed many alumni' and 'undoubtedly generated adverse national publicity.'"
Kinda funny that the "views against inclusion of women, minorities, and other groups into Princeton" "grew increasingly provocative" when CAP's magazine was edited by women and minorities.
If you think the hajj is dangerous now, you should have seen the death tolls before...
CNN is reporting that at least 345 Muslims have died in the annual Human Stampede at the Stoning Of The Devil stage of the annual Hajj:
At least 345 people have been killed in a stampede during a symbolic stoning ritual at the annual Hajj pilgrimage in Saudi Arabia, according to the country's health ministry.
Whew. Thank goodness for the quick actions of the Saudi Red Crescent to head off further carnage.
Now, 345 people dying and hundreds more injured is a horrible human tragedy, to be sure, but things could have been much worse if the Islamic authorities in Saudi Arabia hadn't have decided to remove other dangerous stages of the pilgrimage meant to represent the Prophet Mohammed's journey of faith...
As you can see, the hajj was truly a dangerous occasion before all these events were removed, with planeloads of pilgrims heading to Mecca only to go back as cargo on the way home (if anything of their bodies could be recovered, that is).
Thank goodness the Saudi authorities have acted so quickly to make the hajj a safer journey without compromising the values, lessons, and profit potential to the host country of the pilgrimage.
No longer will the world cry "Fifteen out of nineteen!" at the mention of Saudi Arabia! It is time to end that libel and instead shout "Three hundred and forty five out of two million!"
Because that's what being a strong ally of America means.
I hadn't heard anything about Crash when it was in theaters, and, from its description of being a movie about race relations, it would seem it was some liberal tripe. Still, after word of mouth and Roger Ebert's glowing review, I put it on the Netflix list. Both the lovely and talented SarahK and I loved the film (which was annoying since we got half way through the movie to find out our disk was hopelessly scratched and then had to send for a new one). The film is hard to describe other than that's it’s a very thoughtful character piece.
Apparently, Ebert picked this movie as the best movie of 2005, but some people as Slate.com consider it the worst movie of the year (you'll have to search for it). Ebert responds (note to Ebert: when responding to something on the internet, link to it).
I certainly fall on Ebert's side here. Anyone else seen the movie and have an opinion?
Only #7? Come on... we can do better than that!
Having lost the title of America's Fattest City by falling to number five, apparently my city of Houston is now only ranked seventh when it comes to being mean to homeless, according to the National Coalition for the Homeless:
A coalition of businesses and residents, called the Avondale Association, is petitioning city officials to protect the near-downtown neighborhood from homeless persons by using a so-called “civility ordinance” passed by the Houston City Council in late 2004. The Avondale Association has gathered enough signatures to require a public hearing on whether the ordinance should be expanded beyond the Central Business District. The ordinance, which is currently confined to downtown, prohibits people from sitting or lying on sidewalks between 7 a.m. and 11 p.m., as well as placing items of bedding or personal possessions on the sidewalk.
We do all of that, and yet we're only #7? It breaks my heart.
So I am calling upon the global think-tank that is the loyal IMAO reading audience to help come up with ideas and suggestions that will help make Houston the #1 meanest city to the homeless in 2007.
Just to get things started, my suggestion is to raise the bounty on homeless pelts from ten to fifty bucks. It almost isn't worth the effort and hassle to trap, kill, and skin them at this point.
What's your suggestion? The comments are open.
January 11, 2006
More Hollywood Propaganda
While recoiling in horror at such anti-American/pro-terrorist Hollywood offerings as Syriana - a movie about evil US oil companies causing innocent Muslims to become terrorists - and Munich - a movie about innocent terrorists victimized by bloodthirsty Israelis, I found out that Michael Moore has been tapped to do another re-make of King Kong.
Movie poster in the extended entry...
I give him credit for being a little more subtle than he was with Fahrenheit 9/11.
A Mildly Threatening Carnival Of Comedy Reminder.
Another Carnival of Comedy is coming up, this time at Desert Elephant!
Since we may have another Italian on the Supreme court soon, I thought I'd use some Mafia tactics in the reminder.
Carnival of Comedy Schedule: Bada Bing, BADA BOOM
Want to host? Email me at with "I want to host the carnival of comedy before someone breaks my kneecaps." as the subject.
Participate in the Carnival of Comedy, it's an offer you can't refuse.
What are we smoking?
One question I get asked a lot is "What was Frank J. smoking when he decided to let you into IMAO?"
Well, it's time for me to reveal what every IMAO blogger smokes:
Harvey: A corncob pipe packed with the finest Sumatran tobacco.
Kevin: It is his legal opinion that he smokes Virginia Slims.
Spacemonkey: A hookah filled with peppermint and sweet basil leaves.
Right Wing Duck: Bubblegum cigars and chocolate cigarettes.
Frank J.: Clove cigarettes, marketed under the name of "Ninja Monkeys."
Sarah K.: Her cigarette holder is really a miniature blowgun containing a poison-tipped dart. You know, for when the cats get out of control.
Aquaman: You can't smoke underwater.
As for me, I smoke using a Weber grill filled with mesquite and apple wood, covered with a damp towel to contain the vapors. (The eyebrows are painted on)
In My World: The Alito Hearings
"Let's start these hearing on the confirmation of Samuel Alito," Sen. Arlen Specter announced, "Any points of order?"
"Can we insert intermissions in Senator Biden's 'questions' 'cause I can't always hold it that long?" Alito asked.
"And I'd like to make a statement," President Bush said.
"Go ahead," Specter answered.
Bush stood up and fixed his suit. "Alito is a good judge. You better all vote to confirm him." He then shook his fist at the Democrats before sitting back down.
"Let's move on to questioning," Specter said.
"Good," Senator Chuck Schumer stated, "Now Alito doesn't have his mafia goons to hide behind."
"They're sanitation workers, and you better show them respect, you mook!" Alito threatened.
"It's Senator Biden's turn to speak," Specter interrupted, "Everyone can use this as nap time if they want."
"I'd like to start my question with an anecdote from my childhood that I don't quite remember," Biden said, "Once, when scared by a butterfly, I..."
A large gray thing hit Biden in the face and knocked him to the ground.
"We agreed that Alito was not allowed to bring any rocks to these hearings!" Schumer exclaimed.
"That was a chunk of concrete!" Alito said defensively.
"It's the same thing!"
"Oh yeah?" Alito scoffed. "If a chunk of concrete is a rock, tell me whether it's igneous, sedimentary, or metamorphic?"
"He's getting geological on your ass!" Bush laughed. "No wonder people call him and his friends 'wiseguys.'"
"Is the President allowed to make quips during this session?" Schumer questioned.
"According to the Constitution, I can make quips during any formal Senate hearing," Bush said.
Schumer was silent for a moment. "Well, I guess there is no way to prove or disprove that."
Specter looked to the floor. "I guess Biden will not be continuing, so it's now Senator Brownback's turn for questions."
"First off, I'd like to say how great it is to have such a qualified candidate at Judge Alito," Brownback said, "I'm sure he'll..."
"Ahh! Somebody stop him!" Schumer screamed as Alito had him in a headlock and kept punching him in the head.
"It's... not... your... turn... to... talk!" Alito said, punching Schumer in the head as emphasis to each syllable.
"Alito is right," Specter stated. "If you wish to plead for mercy, Senator Schumer, you'll have to ask Senator Brownback to cede some time to you."
"I'm not going to do that," Brownback responded immediately, "Anyway, Judge Alito, what are your views on the concept of the Constitution being a living document?"
"I think the Constitution is very solid on many things," Alito answered, still holding Schumer in a headlock, "much like this table in front of me. But, when enough pressure is applied..." Alito then slammed Schumer head through the table. "...it will give. I hope that answers your question."
"It's now Senator Kennedy's turn," Specter said.
Alito stared at the globular mass before him. "It's like someone put Jabba the Hut in a suit."
"Gerwargerwaggle!" Kennedy exclaimed as he flailed his tiny limbs and ripped some flesh from the ham hock he had in hand.
"I'm sorry," Alito answered, "I'm not sure how this is possible, but I don't think I can hear you over your own stench of whiskey."
"Wargherbagleergh!" Kennedy yelled, flailing his arms around some more.
Alito looked to Specter. "I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do here; I feel like I should be paying someone a nickel a gander for this guy."
Specter frowned. "He might need his adult diapers changed, but I'm not doing it. I guess we'll move on." Specter looked at the list in front of him. "I guess it's Senator Durbin's turn."
There was a loud crash, and everyone looked to see that an IROC had crashed through the wall and parked on top of Dick Durbin.
Schumer clutching his head, stood up. "Alito just ran over Senator Durbin!"
Alito got out of the car. "Hey, I found the car this way and ran over to move it, but I guess now I won't since everyone is yelling at me. Know what? Fugeddaboutit; I'm outta here. These whole hearing are the biggest insult to me since I found out I was the second choice to Harriet Miers."
Bush laughed for a second and then suddenly stopped. "Oh, wait."
"Somebody help me!" Durbin squeaked, still stuck under a tire.
Specter flipped through a rule book. "Anyone know the proper Senatorial procedures for removing a car from on top of a Senator?" He closed the book. "Let's figure it out after lunch."
"I Do Not Recall"
There is now a recall effort for Gov. Kathleen Blanco for reasons I don't think I need to go into explicit detail about. Though I love replacing Democrats with Republicans, especially replacing them with action stars still struggling with the English language, I have to stand in principle against recalls. Unless a politician is actually criminal (and not just incompetent to the point it seems criminal), you're stuck with the idiot for the designated time period. That's the punishment for being bad voters, and, if voters aren't punished, how will the ever learn to vote smart? Remember: Bad politicians are a result of bad voters, and, if voters are never held accountable, how will we get good voters?
I recommend to the citizens of Louisiana to ridicule and taunt Blanco to the point to she runs away crying anytime she sees a camera. It's the more democratic thing to do than a recall.
I'd like to publicly apologize to Right Wing Duck for accusing him of stealing the cat toys from the webcams.
It turns out that it wasn't Right Wing Duck at all, but Nardo the Cat:
However, I still suspect of Right Wing Duck of teaching Nardo to steal these toys so Right Wing Duck can sell them on eBay to support his increasingly expensive skydiving hobby.
Say it Ain't So!
First the 'fake but accurate' Nat. Guard memos. Then inaccurate miner survival reporting. Now it's happening again. I'm sure you are as shocked and saddened as I was to find out the flaming mouse story has been found to be false.
At least our journalistic integrity is intact.
January 10, 2006
I Don't Like What I'm Hearing
Ah! These Alito hearings are boring and pointless, but they're all that's going on politically right now. It's all a floor show, but it could be worse.
TOP TEN WAYS THE ALITO HEARING COULD BE MORE POINTLESS
10. Make it one long monologue by Senator Biden.
9. Conduct it in Esperanto.
8. Spend an hour trying to teach Ted Kennedy how to pronounce UH-LEE-TOE.
7. Everyone is supposed to scream really loud if anyone says "stare decisis."
6. All questions and statements must be in the form of a baseball analogy.
5. Have Ted Kennedy do a dramatic reading of his children's book about his dog named Splash.
4. Give Coco the Gorilla a chance to question Alito (if this in place of Biden or Kennedy, this would actually improve the hearings, though).
3. Constant recesses to find the beach ball that was being hit around the room.
2. Have Alito publically analyze the plot to A League of Their Own and explain what it teaches about gender diversity.
And the number one way the Alito hearings could be more pointless...
Have it instead be a hearing about Harriet Miers.
What's the history of the word pajamas, anyway?
Just in case you're curious, Podictionary's episode today covers the history of the word pajamas.
And here I was, thinking that Charles Johnson and Roger L. Simon invented the word, but it's actually a real word. With a definition and everything!
Because I've run out of Crappy Bedtime Stories, Podictionary is one of the many podcasts that I've been wanting to parody within the IMAO Podcast. However, this would involve picking up a book, opening it, and reading it instead of laughing when a kittycat jumps in my lap and sniffs the pages.
Maybe if I didn't use kitty treats as bookmarks, I might not have kittycats leaping into my lap to sniff the pages. Or dozens of smushed kitty treats in every book on the shelf.
Monsters Under the Bed
As I was trying to go to sleep, I heard scratching under the bed. Naturally, I thought it was my dumb cat Sydney, so I shouted, "Stop that, Sydney, or I'll hit you with a rock!"
The scratching continued, so I looked under the bed to grab and shake the dumb cat... but no cat was there. Then I noticed a hole in the thin sheet that made the bottom of the box spring and two lumps moving around on it. I slowly gabbed my shotgun and lay back in bed. As I quietly as possible chambered a round, I told SarahK, failing not to panic, "They're... inside... the bed!"
Okay, the last part wasn't true, but the cats did get in the box spring and made scratching noises all night. File that under yet another annoying thing the cats do that a dog wouldn't.
BTW, aren't we the cutest couple? Awww...
January 09, 2006
IMAO News Update
** IMAO Breaking News *** Must Credit IMAO Now ***
In a move that plays to its classic strengths in working with mainland China, Microsoft today announced it will help with the censoring of all ads for Chinese car manufacturer, Geely, which plans to sell cars to the US.
When asked about this new deal, Bil Gates offered, "We feel that consumers will appreciate the consistency. We have strong experience in censoring blogs and that should let us close all the back doors." Mr. Gates was pressed for time because his team is working hard to close a loophole that allows any hacker to completely destroy every single Window's system every made. In fact, recent reports suggest that the most secure window systems are those currently made
The Chinese are excited to offer cars to consumers who are not living in China. Said a Geely spokesman, "Despite China's massive economic success, our company (which is privately owned) thought we could make more money if we
IMAO will make every effort to
Frank Advice for Samuel Alito
The first day of Senate hearings on Samuel Alito have started today, and I have some tips for him to help him sail through them unscathed:
FRANK ADVICE FOR SAMUEL ALITO
* Always smile; that makes you look amiable. Since we Republicans seem to have a problem with this, just make sure you know that a smile is different from baring your teeth.
* Don't quote the Constitution; that will just confuse most of the Senators.
* If asked about Roe v. Wade, say, "I have no formal opinion on that judicial decision Blackmun crapped out."
* You're Italian, so you must have Mafia connections. Have them rough up any Senators who are bad mouthing you. You could have a few Senators wake up with a horse head in their beds, but Ted Kennedy might just consider it breakfast in bed.
* Make sure to bring a big meatball sub to the hearings so you'll have something to eat if they take a long time.
* It'll take more whacks to the head with a tire iron to put some sense into Schumer than you think, so it's probably not worth it.
* I find that if I get nervous during public speaking, holding onto a large, fixed-blade knife helps calm me down.
* If questions get heated, don't lose your temper. Remember: it's a lifetime appointment, so there will be plenty of time to beat to death your dissenters in a dark alley after you're a Supreme Court Justice.
* The Democratic Senators are not as fearsome as they seem; one Molotov cocktail hurled their direction is all it takes to intimidate them.
* If you become afraid the Senator Hillary Clinton will eat your soul during the hearings, simply wear a cross and some garlic.
* In the end, it's just a popularity contest. So make sure to wear a leather jacket and sunglasses so people will think you're cool.
Hey look! The Sixth Annual Weblog Awards are taking nominations! They have a podcast category this time! So... you know... whatever...
I will update this post as situations warrant.
Should Be Awake in Time for the 24 Season Premiere
Hooray! Sharon is coming out of his coma. I had specifically prayed to God, "Please don't let Sharon die... even though he's a joooo."
Waking out of long coma used to be a trying and disorientating ordeal, but that was before Tivo.
January 08, 2006
"May I light your cigarette with the flame of Sweet Lady Liberty's beacon, ma'am?"
If you're wondering what kind of idiot buys the "Patriot Edition Bic Lighter" well, that's me:
Of course, patriotism of the kind that Bic dispenses isn't for everyone:
You'd think that a warning like "Keep Away From Children" would be on the Michael Jackson Edition Bic Lighter.
Even IMAO has its standards...
Some of you are problably wonder that with the addition of me to the IMAO Roster, is there any low to which IMAO will not sink.
Well, even Frank has his standards, and sometimes I write things that just don't make the cut because they're too rude, too disgusting, or downright evil.
And in the case of "The IMAO Gold Mine" script for the podcast, I agree 100%. Making fun of a situation where twelve people have died and an entire town is in mourning because of a greedy corporate owner of a mine and a parasitic media presence rubbing salt in their wounds to capture the screams live on air isn't what I'd consider a nice thing to do.
One does not vilify media-vampire Geraldo Rivera by becoming more revolting and disgusting as him. It does not follow Frank's code of Be Honorable, Ronin!
But, reading back over it, it's still darned funny. So I'm going to post the draft script at IFOC and come up with something a little more cheerful and happy.
It's a sunny day out. I'm sure I'll be inspired to write something sunny.
AAAUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHH! Sunscreen! Sunscreen! Killer sun!
January 06, 2006
New James Bond Movie
When I first heard that Glenn Reynolds would be starring as the villain in the new James Bond movie, I thought it was a bad choice. Maybe not as horrid as Richard Kiel's performance as "Jaws", but still...
Anyway, the official poster for the new flick is in the extended entry. Check it out & see if you think Reynolds has any potential.
On the passing of Lou Rawls...
I'm just waiting for Louis Farrakhan to announce that Lou Rawls died because the racist rich white Jewish brain surgeons were too busy working on Ariel Sharon's brain to bother with Lou Rawls' brain cancer.
Today, it's St. Edloe the Grumpus, just kicking back and in control...
If you're not sure how this absurd scene pertains to IMAO, since IMAO is famous for that "political humor" thing, it doesn't. If you must have some semblance of politics or humor in everything you read here, just assume that Edloe is... um...
(For more animal goodness, try Friday Ark today and Carnival of the Cats will be this upcoming Sunday, so send your catblogging links to submissions @ carnivalofthecats.com. Oh, and there's now a fifth catcam.)
January 05, 2006
You Thought I Had Forgot.
You know you did. But I didn't forget. No siree.
Ok, well, I DID forget, but now I've all remembered what I forgot. And what was it that I forgot to remember and remembered to not forget to remember... then...ok, I think I confiused myself there. Anyway I remembered.
I remembered to tell the likes of you that it is not just a new year, it is also a new month. Which, of course, means it is now time once again to do your patriotic duty and vote for the IMAO Podcast on PodcastAlley.com.
Hooray for IMAOpodcast!
And why should you vote For IMAudiO? For one thing our podcasts are smarter than the average bear, shinier than the average teenagers face and...
there's podcast news.in our IMAudiO (formerly IMAO Podcast) Forum
Politics and Money: So What?
I don't get this whole Abramoff scandal. First, it doesn't involve shooting or explosions, so it's boring. Second, politicians have been using their power to illegally get money since forever. George Washington had the military rob a bank to test out his executive powers, killing four. Even Judas of Iscariot, a follower of Jesus, used his position of power to get thirty pieces of silver.
So everyone just chill, yo.
** ** ** IMAO News Update ** ** **
In South Korea, a man is in critical condition after setting himself on fire in a courtroom. The disgruntled gentleman was upset over a $300 fine for disturbing the peace.
The Good news is that he was taken to the hospital almost immediately.
The Bad news is he was fined $200 for smoking in court.
Calculators Are Not a Companion to Good Reading
I'm really liking the novel The Weapon by Michael Z. Williamson, enough so that I'm actually setting aside time to read instead of waiting for the next time I have a plane flight or something. Still, there's one thing about it that bugs me, so I thought I'd get it out of the way before I do a full review.
Metrics! All measurements are in metrics! I've noticed that other people in my writing group tend to use metrics for SF, too, so I wonder if that's the standard for modern SF. Still, I, like most Americans, have no conceptual understanding of metric measures... and I'm an engineer who actually uses metric measure from time to time. You tell me someone is five foot ten and 180 pounds, I can instantly visualize it. You tell me someone is X cm tall and Y kilograms, and, far as I know, that person could be anywhere from the size of Thumbelina to King Kong. I know a centimeter is about the width of a finger, and I have some concept of a kilogram from brick of cocaine I see on cop shows, but it’s hard to turn that into a person. And I'm not about to break out a calculator and conversion chart when reading a novel.
So, is 20 degrees Celsius hot or cold?
Never mind. If I have some readers who read lots of modern SF, is metrics the standard, and can you visualize something when given a metric measure? To me, metrics just make such horrible prose (that would be if I knew it; right now, when metric measures are mentioned, it’s like suddenly running into a section written in Swahili). It's a scientific convention, and feet and inches and pounds work better in non-scientific reading. When I get to writing SF, only the most horrible, fascist governments will use metrics. And bad guys will get shot with a .45, not an 11mm.
January 04, 2006
Saddam For Kids
(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)
Ok, that's a bad example.
But still, a tome for the wee ones IS the only ticket to freedom for a vicious killer. Without one, he's guaranteed a ride in Old Sparky. Just look at what happened to O.J.
Ok, that wasn't a good example either.
The point is that you can soon expect to hear about what a wonderful guy Saddam is once his bibliography hits the New York Times.
What's that? You didn't know Saddam wrote children's books?
Of course he did. Here's just a small sampling of his works:
* The Berenstain Bears Big Book of Burkhas
* Tyranny for Tots
* Curious George Invades Iraq
* One Fish, Two Fish, Dead Fish, JOOOOOOO! Fish
* Mommy Bakes Yellowcake
* Uday and Qusay Take a Bullet
* I Can Detonate My Own Vest!
* Horton Hears a Wahabbi
* Hide and Seek, Marco Polo, and Blind Man's Bluff: The Rainy Day Book of Fun U.N. Games
* Amelia Bedelia Beheads a Hostage
* Hassan Potter and the Half-Blood Infidel
* Little Camel Fluffy Toes and the Murderous Americans
* Are You There, Allah? It's Me, Fatima
* Little House on the Sand Dune
* My First Honor Killing
* Charlie and the Chemical Weapons Factory
* "Is That An IED?": An Explodey the Mouse Story
* The Tyrant, The Weasels, and the Warmonger
* The Poky Little Puppy and Other Unclean Animals
* Green Eggs and Hamas
If you know of any more of Saddam's books, leave the titles in the comments.
Don't call me with them, though. Those cowards at the NSA might be listening in.
How Dumb Is the Democratic Base?
According to Howard Dean's calculations, they must be pretty damn dumb (of course, they're responsible for Dean becoming the DNC chair, and that guy is about as politically smart as Lyndon LaRouche).
Anyway, I got an e-mail about signing a petition against Judge Samuel Alito, and we all know that internet petitions are about zero for a billion in causing any actual political change. Still, here it is:
We now know that George Bush personally ordered American intelligence services to spy on American citizens without the consent of any court and repeatedly directed officials to take actions that explicitly violated the law.
That there is a long sentence. So what laws were violated, pray tell?
Our courts are the last line of defense against abuses of power like this, and every judicial nominee must demonstrate that they will honor their most important responsibility: protecting our rights and freedoms.
Sure, but when was the last time a judge did that. You'd think their actual job is to go mad with power.
Samuel Alito will not.
Then he's just following precedent; I thought you guys liked precedent.
During the course of his judicial career, Samuel Alito has compiled a record of looking the other way when abuses of power threaten our basic freedoms.
Makes him sound like a referee for Pro-Wrestling.
He has deferred to unscrupulous prosecutors who constructed all-white juries to try black defendants.
Well, if the whites were racist and unfair, yell at them. And what was the defense doing during jury selection? Sleeping?
He repeatedly failed to protect our right to privacy. He was even the lone judge voting to uphold the illegal strip-search of a 10-year old girl.
Well, if more joined him, it would have been a legal strip-search, wouldn’t it?
Next week Judge Alito's confirmation hearings will begin. Already over 750,000 people have signed a petition asking Senators to oppose Alito -- today I add my name.
What took you so long? You make the guy sound like the reincarnation of Hitler, but you're spending your time foaming at the mouth on talk shows.
Please join me:
I.P. Freely now supports your cause.
A broad coalition of groups will deliver this petition to Senators in less than 48 hours.
The problem is when you try to organize the anarchists to be a part of your coalition, they never come on time.
You and I have the chance to push the total over a million if we spread the word.
The bigger it is, the more fun to ignore.
Moderate Republicans who have expressed concern about the domestic spying program also have serious questions about Judge Alito, and an outpouring from ordinary Americans could force them to do the right thing and vote against him.
Yeah, because the NSA has so much to do with appointing a Supreme Court justice. But you might as well throw everything you can into an e-mail to see what will rile up the moonbats.
Even before the domestic spying story broke, Senators in both parties had expressed concern about Judge Alito's credibility.
On everything from his ideological streaks to his rulings in cases where he had a clear conflict of interest, Judge Alito seems to be willing to say whatever it takes to get confirmed.
Which is a quite bit less that saying all it takes to keep him from being confirmed.
After bragging about his membership in an ultra-conservative group on his college campus to boost his right-wing credentials, he's now waffling on exactly what his relationship with the group was.
What? Where? Details!
And he explicitly broke a promise he made under oath to the Senate that he would recuse himself from cases where he had a personal financial interest.
"And he murdered the pope on several occasions." Is it even remotely possible you'll back up any of these allegations?
Across the country more and more people are realizing that if Judge Alito is confirmed, the impact on our rights and our lives will be felt for generations.
Then I guess your job is done.
Actually, I don't think about anyone is paying attention to this right now, but good for you to be politically involved, Dean.
Join the drive for a million people calling on the Senate to reject the Alito nomination:
Ben Dover is now leading the charge!
Judge Alito's record of currying favor with the extreme right and favoring government power over individual liberties might make him qualified as a favorite speaker at conservative think tanks, but it does not qualify him to sit on the Supreme Court.
I think his years as a judge may add to his qualifications, but that's not really here nor there.
People who put politics over the rule of law cannot be trusted to guard our freedoms. Every American should shudder at the prospect of a judge with a history of ethical lapses and appeasing right-wing extremists getting a lifetime appointment to the highest court in the land.
Yeah, and he eats puppies and rejected your plan for a bike path; we know.
Send a message to Senators now and join the 750,000 Americans speaking out against this dangerous nomination:
Deans A. Knutt has signed on!
The Senate must reject Samuel Alito.
But it ain't; hope you had fun writing the e-mail, though.
M.D.? So what's his bedside manner like?
P.S. -- For more information about Judge Alito's deeply concerning ethical lapses and ideological rulings, see these resources:
Nah; had enough crap for one sitting.
So, this is the state of the Democratic Party; no leadership, no plan, no coherency, but they have a useless internet petition to sign. If this is really enough to satiate the base, next thing they should do for them is hand out shiny baubles.
Welcome to Houston
Welcome to Houston, where naked men punch motorcycle cops in the face:
A number of Houston police officers responded to an incident where an officer was involved in a physical altercation with a suspect Tuesday afternoon.
A wildman gets naked and punches a motorcycle cop in the face repeatedly, and the first thing people blame is "drugs."
Whatever happened to blaming Bush for everything?
Here's the line that makes me proud of my town:
"What's amazing, there were a bunch of citizens standing around and nobody was helping the officer at all," the wrecker driver said.
Having lived in this city for eighteen years, I'm confused as to why the wrecker driver found that amazing.
I'd think they'd be placing bets or calling dibs on who got to fight the naked guy next.
January 03, 2006
I can't watch the coverage of these trapped (and probably dead) miners in West Virginia.
I swear, at any moment, John Rhys Davies is going to be interviewed based on his years of experience as a Tolkein Dwarf in the Lord Of The Rings trilogy of movies.
GRETA VON SUSTEREN: "I guess we've been cut off somehow in our connection to the Undersecretary Deputy Assistant of the Department of Environmental Affairs for the State of West Virginia. We'll let you know when we get our connection back to the James Byrd Center For Environmental Affairs there in West Virginia, but... I think we've got another expert lined up that may have some additional insight into this situation... it's John Rhys-Davies of the Academy Award-winning Lord Of The Rings trilogy of movies. Thank you for being here, John, and I must say you're bigger than you were in the film."
JR-D: (laughs) "Thank you for having me here. And my axe."
GRETA VON SUSTEREN: (chuckles) "So how do you see the situation unfolding there in West Virginia?"
JR-D: "Well, if I may quote Saruman the White... 'Moria... You fear to go into those mines. The dwarves delved too greedily and too deep. You know what they awoke in the darkness of Khazad-dum... shadow and flame.'"
GRETA VON SUSTEREN: "Are you saying that these thirteen miners somehow dug their way into some kind of aternate, fantasy realm and found a Balrog's creche?"
JR-D: "I'm saying exactly that, Greta. After my many years as a dwarf in the hills of New Zealand, I'm well aware of the dangers of digging too deeply into things."
Or something like that.
This is why we watch Law And Order and Friends reruns in the evenings. The evenings "news" shows are more like a backlash against "Reality" television, spewing forth Anti-Reality insanity.
Carnival of Comedy Reminder
Another Carnival of Comedy is coming up, this time at Aaron Benedict!
Participate in the Carnival of Comedy or Al Queda, Al Franken and the Al Kossacks win.
January 02, 2006
Don't Get Stuck on Demographically Stupid
I just read this from the New Criterion, it's written by a Canadian conservative (yes, they exist). It's a little long but is very good writing, and is extremely good thinking about the state of our world and western civilization's coming collapse because the non-western world (you know the one) is out breeding us. It makes me almost feel sorry for those nonbreeding Europeans. Almost
The rest of us need to go ahead and buy all the guns, ammo and canned goods we can afford. And of course make all the red state babies we can.
Update: Taking Christianity, which nurtured western civ., to them would be a great plan also.
Update 2: Apparently the New Criterion is over their bandwidth budget for January. The google cache for the article is here
Ht to Right Wing Testimonial for the link to the cache.
Update 3: Now Steyn's article is on OpinionJournal (thanks Grepon), and it looks way better than the cache. And it's still in English instead of Farsi! For a limited time.
Things I Learned on My Disney Cruise
THINGS I LEARNED ON MY DISNEY CRUISE
* No matter how annoying some kid is, there will be an angry parent if you toss him overboard.
* Though the veranda is private, you should check wind conditions before urinating off of it.
* If you buy a $7 "Cuban" cigar in Mexico, it's most likely not actually Cuban and maybe not even an actual cigar.
* Though Mickey Mouse staring at you may creep you out, try not to snap and drop kick him. Otherwise, no mint on your pillow for you.
* If any employee of Disney is caught not smiling, he or she is immediately keelhauled.
* Though Disney cruises are great for families, there were a number of honeymooning couples, older couples without children, and pedophiles.
* It's good they had some bars that were adult only, because it's pretty annoying to have a barstool next to a hyperactive, drunk eight-year-old.
* Donald Duck is still my favorite Disney character, but he can't make a martini worth @#$%.
* When it's early in the morning and I call room service for some coffee, I actually find it annoying for them to be that unnaturally cheery.
* Disney's own island, Castaway Cay, seemed to be lacking in defenses, and I'm sure I could overthrow its puppet government if I could only sneak a few weapons onto it.
* SarahK doesn't think honeymoons should be spent plotting violent coups.
* While the Disney movie Pirates of the Caribbean seemed to be sympathetic to pirates, any actual pirates that are encountered in the Caribbean are dealt with by the Disney staff quite violently and ruthlessly.
Frank J.'s 100% Guaranteed 2006 Predictions
Yeah, so I've already had one day of 2006 to collect data unlike other predictors, but that will just make mine all the more accurate.
* Not sure how long or when until the death toll in Iraq reaches the next big round number of 3,000, the ghoulish left will now make a big deal anytime the number killed in Iraq is a prime number.
* As more heavily Democratic cities like New Orleans are hit with huge, natural disasters, the idea that President Bush has a weather machine will move from theory to accepted fact to be feared.
* Many of the Democratic Party's base will turn against the hawkish Joe Lieberman, but they will be no match for Joe-mentum which will kill thousands and leave Lieberman ruling the Democratic Party with an iron fist.
* The temperatures this year, whether hot, cold, or lukewarm, will be hailed as proof of global warming.
* Michael Moore's next movie will be pushed back a year when, unable to wait ten minutes for his assistant to bring back McDonalds, he will eat the first cut.
* According to inside sources, lots of information will be leaked this next year.
* In November, the Republicans will once again add to their majorities in the House and Senate. Having gone bankrupt and unable to pay its bookies, the Democratic Party will have its thumbs broken by the Mafia.
* The majority of the audience for DailyKos.com and DemocraticUnderground.com will become psychologists writing papers on mental breakdowns.
* Blogs will mobilize against the growing threat to their power: podcasts. Most will dismiss them since they don't even own an iPod.
* Due to decreasing audiences for the MSM, they will completely cut their budget for reporting and just make stuff up or report on what they read off the 'net... unless that's already happened.
* Due to the increasing popularity of suicide bombings, they will cease to exist.
* In a new compromise, the Palestinians will finally be given a state. Its location will greatly anger research scientists and penguins. Morgan Freeman will narrate the new arrangement.
* As the popularity of freedom increases in the Middle East, the Europeans will consider having freedoms themselves. Freedom will be rejected, though, in favor of a 30 hour work week.
* North Korea will develop nuclear weapons and destroy themselves in an attempted attack on South Korea. The last intercepted transmission out of the country will be: "What Korea are we again?"
* China will continue to supply us with cheap merchandise while secretly plotting our demise.
* I will be able to cut and paste the previous bullet point for predictions for the next ten years.
* The IMAO team will become rich and famous in 2006, get high on our success, and then burnout, blaming each other and finally splitting up. Cadet Happy's solo album will be the only individual success, though he will be pretending to be me.
* Tickets for our reunion tour in December are on sale now.
January 01, 2006
Fun Facts About Maine - The Director's Cut
The version on the IMAO podcast (#19 - November 14th) was cut here & there for time & quality reasons.
My unsullied and divinely inspired artistic vision is in the extended entry...
Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting yet completely useless and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.
This week, it's time to buy grossly overpriced lobster-shaped souveniers, because we're headed up to Maine, so let's get started...
Maine became the 23rd state on March 15th, 1820 and also became the only state with a one-syllable name after they shortening it from "Mainingtonia".
The state bird of Maine is the chickadee, and NOT the much more common Cracker-Barrel Buzzard or Bald Coot.
The state flag of Maine consists of a blue background behind an image of a moose sleeping under a tree, which symbolizes the state's large population of lazy Canadians.
Maine is one of America's largest producers of leather products, most of which are exported to San Francisco during Gay Pride Week.
The state flower of Maine is the pine cone. Although most people wouldn't be dumb enough to confuse a pine cone with a flower, keep in mind that some people actually consider Dan Rather to be a journalist, too.
The state motto of Maine is, "Fleecing tourists is fun!"
90% of America's toothpick supply is produced in Maine, and I'll be those idiots probably think THOSE are flowers, too.
The state song of Maine is "Rock Lobster", by the B52's.
The state tree of Maine is the white pine... which obviously means they're racist.
The top prize in Maine's state lottery is having Stephen King personally bury your dismembered corpse in his back yard.
Eastport, Maine is the easternmost city in the US, and therefore the best place from which to launch a nuclear strike against France.
Not that... you know... America is actually PLANNING anything like that...
Hey... I'm just saying we should keep our options OPEN, people!
Maine is the only state in the US that shares a border with only one other state. It's nothing personal, it's just that a LOT of dead lobsters wash up on the beach, and no one wants to be next to a state that smells like Roseanne Barr's underwear.
Every year, 4 million lobsters are caught off the coast of Maine - most of them on their way to Canada to buy cheap prescription drugs.
Maine produces 99% of America's blueberries, which is why most blueberries can't pronounce the word "car" correctly.
Maine was originally settled by Canadians who were searching for the religious freedom to worship their pagan moose-god, Bullwinkle.
Freeport Maine is home to the LL Bean Company, purveyors of fine outdoor clothing. This may explain why Maine's license plates are made out of plaid flannel.
Although Maine has many old lighthouses, they are rarely lit these days except by brave Hobbits attempting to signal the armies of Rohan.
The first naval battle of the Revolutionary War was fought off the coast of Maine in 1775. It was technically a draw, since both the American and British crews were devoured by giant radioactive lobsters.
The state insect of Maine is the honeybee, and most farmers who raise them still milk them by hand while sitting on a tiny stool.
Most small towns in Main still govern themselves through the use of "Town Hall Meetings", which consist of a series of boring speeches, followed by a picnic and ritual cannibalism on the Town Commons.
All new mothers in Maine face the difficult choice of whether to bottle feed their babies or give them their clam chowder straight from the breast.
A great deal of Maine consists of marshy swampland. Sorta like Florida, except that in Maine, all the gators were eaten by giant radioactive lobsters.
If you go to a bar in Maine, you'll be tempted to try the "Moose Meat Margarita". Resist.
Well, that wraps up the Maine edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week I'll be desperately wondering if there's ANYTHING funny to say about Maryland.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go out and milk the honeybees.
[The complete e-book version of "Fun Facts About the 50 States" is now available at Amazon.com. If you don't have a Kindle, you can download free Kindle apps for your web browser, smartphone, computer, or tablet from Amazon.com]
Happy New Year!
It's now like 2006 or something!
I hate it when the year changes; it takes me like a month to get used to writing the new year when I have to put a date on something.
Anyway, I had this past week off, but things will return to normal for me tomorrow (except busier at work). But, for IMAO, thing will be super-normal this year! We have big plans for the blog plus plan on getting the podcast back to a weekly affair. You should be excited.
Be excited! :: shakes fist ::
Remember the IMAO guarantee: If a post doesn't make you laugh, the next post is free!*
* Certain restrictions apply. Void where prohibited.
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