Giving money to Frank J. makes you happy!
Buy funniest book ever!
IMAO Merchandise and Newsletter
Cool shirts, mugs, stickers, and what-not!
Popular CategoriesFred Thompson Facts
John Edwards Fabulous Facts
Know Thy Enemy
Frank the Artist
In My World
Other ContentOde to Violence
IMAO Audio Bits
Read the Essay
Own the Shirt
Testimonials"All quotes attributed to me on IMAO are made up... including this one."
"Unfunny treasonous ronin!"
"You, sir, are a natural born killer."
"You'll never get my job! Never!!!"
"In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. And He did despair, for in His omniscience, He did know that His creations had but three-fifths of the splendor of that which would be IMAO."
-No One of Consequence
"A blogger with a sense of humor."
-Some Woman on MSNBC
BlogrollAce of Spades HQ
The Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler
The Daily Gut (with Jim Treacher!)
Dave in Texas
Eject! Eject! Eject!
La Shawn Barber's Corner
Right Wing News
The Flying Space Monkey Chronicles
Right Wing Duck
This Blog Is Full of Crap
Fred Thompson Links
Blogs for Fred
Fred Thompson Facts
February 28, 2006
American Idol 5 top 10 girls
This week, Ryan is so proud that AI beat the Olympics, Survivor, Dancing with the Stars, and all the other shows. I'm just proud that they'll mention shows on other networks without saying "that show where everyone gets voted off, and that show where they have 'celebrities' that dance", and instead actually use real names.
Simon gives himself a 10 out of 10 on last week's judging. I give him a 9.5, because I disagreed with him on one thing. Kellie Pickler (I can feel the eyes starting to roll).
IDOLS 01... Katharine McPhee, who apparently wants to lose my vote, will be singing Stevie Wonder. Did she not get my memo that Stevie is banned on the show? Maybe she's trying to prove that Stevie can be done well. Is she frontin' me? I think she is! First she hearts Babs, then there's this Stevie thing... Oooh, girrrrrl, it is ON! And they just did the whole look at me bit where they tell about her favorite AI moments. And she hearts Kellie Pickler. Apparently Kellie's not so annoying when she's not going on about that prisonly father of hers. UPDATE FROM LATER IN THE SHOW: Yes she really is that annoying. Anyway, so Katharine's all like, "I heart Kellie, she's my bestest friend 4EVER, and we're gonna live next door to each other for all time and raise our babies together!" and she's really thinking, "I hope I get more votes than her, because if only one of us gets this hotel room, it should be me! Me! Me!"... Oh my goodness, they are so in love with each other. Get a room!... Er, maybe that's the problem. Oh bad SarahK, that was so distasteful. On to the singing... * yawn * I'm sorry, is it over yet? Oh no, it's not! And it's bad! That's why you should always listen to your good friend SarahK. I gave you a break on the Babs thing, but no. The first half was boring, and the second half was bad. Shoulda listened to me, Katharine! Don't try ta front me! I'm not gonna withhold her number, but I'm sad to say I'm not voting for this performance. And I really liked her until now when she tried to front me.
Well. I didn't notice before, but Ryan bought his velvet tux jacket (that he's wearing with jeans) at the local vintage store (or Thrift Town), and I just have to wonder about... ah, forget it, Kinnik just said she's singing Gretchen Wilson.
IDOLS 02... Back from barfing now, I'm gonna hurl more sloppy joes (all fresh ingredients except the dried spices and the potato buns, which I didn't make in my nonexistent bread machine) if Kinnik Sky is singing "Redneck Woman" (aka "I'm Proud to Be a Hick, H-E-doublehockeysticks Yeah") or "When I Think About Cheating" (aka "I Really Wanted to Whine for My Next Song, And All the Diane Warren Songs Were Taken, So Here's Something I Made Up in the Back of My Tourbus. Took Me About Four Minutes To Write.")... You know, she's really quite adorable in her little interview. Well, I need someone to replace Katharine for me, so step up if you can... And she's singing "I'm Here for the Party" (aka "I'm a Skanky Drunk Hoe, Take Me Home So I Can Puke in Your Dually On the Way To Your Place"), so I'm out. Anyway, it wasn't that good, but I love her outfit. But she really needs to pull that cowboy hat down... Much better, she felt my vibe and corrected her head topper (40 minutes later on the DVR playback).
Simon and Paula are already snipping at each other, because Paula is already halfway to Vodkaland. She loooooooove that vodka.
IDOLS 03... Lisa Tucker. She's so adorable. But what is she wearing. A tank top yellow sweater over an orange bra or swimsuit thingy. Oh, it's true, I'm just jealous my matronly arms would never let me get away with that. Ryan is fixing her hair, and she was in the Lion King when she was 10. She's singing "Who's Loving You", and have I banned the Jackson 5 yet? If not, I officially declare it disallowed. What a boring song from such an amazing voice. There was just no range there. Blah. And Paula is disagreeing with Randy (who agrees with me), because she's got her vodka on. I might vote for her on sheer charm.
Come ONNNN, girls, give me someone to vote for, or I'm totally dialing 9 digits and not completing the last digit, then hanging up. Indignant dialing, they call it.
IDOLS 04... Next is Melissa McGhee. She's gonna sing Linda Ronstadt's "Why Haven't I Heard From You". I'm embarrassed to say I like to sing the Ronstadt at karaoke, because she's one of the people who taught me how to sing (can you say "When Will I-Hi Be Loved?"). So Melissa is so right about chicks in Florida wearing the flipflops all the time, though now a lot of us are really into these hideous Crocs (I heart them so!). I love her voice tone, but I would really love for her to try to get out of her comfy range a little more. Paula, listen to Simon, he's right about you being a precocious child, except Simon, you left out the part about "completely sauced". Completely sauced precocious child. Anyway, I agree with Simon, she's not connecting. Great voice, not connecting. But I DO love it when they wear brown. Is purple really my favorite color, or is it secretly brown? Paula is such a parody of herself, I wonder if any of her real friends have told her so.
I'm really tired of the girls already tonight. Where's Mandisa? (Oh yeah, singing last so we'll stick around.) And can Taylor sing tonight just for funsies?
IDOLS 05... Heather Cox, you may go home. Go. Go. I don't even have to hear you sing, you obviously have no respect for any of the viewers if you're singing "Hero" by Mariah Carey. Where's the mute button? Or a knife. A sharp one. To stab out my eardrums. Lookie there, Heather Cox held a snake when she got to Hollywood... Sleeping, stabbing eardrums, sleeping more... btw, since I've totally tuned her out, let's talk about her outfit. It's great until you get to the huge square button. NEWSFLASH (why do I have to flash news so often??): The huge square button is a huge failed bit from the '80s, and I still remember it. I remember it and legwarmers. Do you want to wear legwarmers? No? Nobody wants to see your square button.... Anyway, she saved up everything for one big note and was flat for the note. Not impressive. Off. Paula: "Right now there's no one hotter than Mariah Carey." Nor more annoying, Paula. Nobody likes that screeching bat. Back to Heather, I think she's gone after tonight.
IDOLS 06... Brenna Gethers is going to perform after the break, and my goodness, she's wearing one of those dresses that they wear on Dancing or Skating or Strolling Down the Lane With the Stars. Bluuuuuurgh. There's the rest of my sloppy joes. You know, I should thank the ladies, because I'm gonna be so skinny after they're done with me. Yay for involuntary bulimia! Brenna is singing "Last Dance" by Donna Summers. Before she starts, I'll go with "forgettable". But it's true what she says about posing in the mirror. I always look for the angle that makes me not have 2 chins. I only have one, but in pictures I tend to come out with multiples, so I really have to work the camera. Anyway, ADVICE FOR THE CONTESTANTS (AND I'LL KEEP GIVING IT AS LONG AS YOU NEED IT): If a song starts with a couple of taps from the hi-hat, AVOID AVOID AVOID. (Exception would be Celine Dion's "The Power of Love", but ONLY if you can do that whole "by your siiiiiiiide.... 'cause I'm your laadaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyy" bit without taking a breath.) EGADS, I TAKE IT BACK! She's not forgettable, she's awful. I think she's gone too.
IDOLS 07... Paris Bennet is next and is singing something with favor (from God apparently?). Oh bother, her song starts with a hi-hat. And it's Bette Midler from Beaches. The Wind Beneath My Wings. Okie doke, lemme just say: Heard this song at my cousin Allan's funeral, not a happy song for me. Nighty night... Having said that, regardless of her horrible song choice, she handled it with "favor", though not enough to get me dialing. But SONG CHOICE SONG CHOICE SONG CHOICE. Believe me, I've learned from experience at many many karaoke bars (and yeah, I wear that proudly) that you can't sing that stuff, or everyone just ignores you and calls the waitress over so they can order another batch of fried pickles. Paris Paris Paris. No more picking songs on Great-Grandma's choice. Be sweet, and do some Billy Joel for me. (I'm only one generation ahead. Ok, bordering on 2, but I act younger than I am.)
IDOLS 08... Ayla is singing "I Want You to Need Me" by Celine Dion. I love that song, but that's awful brave. At least she didn't pick a safe song. Hey, Ayla, about that new makeup thing you've got going on. FORSAKE IT, DON'T CAKE IT. Really, natural is way better than piled on... Onto the song. She was very good again this week, but I'm partial to that song, and she didn't butcher it, even after she changed the lyrics (a lot), so good on her. Paula ingested some of her Botox or something, because man, what makes her talk like that? Anyway, Ayla's the first one I'm actually going to vote for tonight. Here's to hoping there's no Stevie Wonder or Bette Midler from her next week.
IDOLS 09... Next is Kellie Pickler, and WHOA, you should see the screen-freeze on the Tivo. She does not blink evenly. FOR THE LOVE OF PETE. She is given the spotlight to say anything she wants about American Idol, and she has chosen to talk about the spinach salad, which is liiiike pullin' a leaf offuva bush and eatin' it, with swallowin' an' everything! YET ANOTHER new experience for her. Heya, Kellie? I kin git a big bag-a spinnitch at the local Piggly Wiggly. Maybe you kin find it at yers tew! Check it out, they might evin hayuv a 99 cent sale on it! OH MY GOODNESS, I can't believe I already spent a paragraph on the spinach, because did yew know that they caul skwiyud "calamaray"? Ayund the dawgs, they have more clothes than I do! She is baby Jessica, only no one found her at the bottom of the well. She stayed down there for 20 years until American Idol heard her singing from deep within the earth. Say, did you know they've got sumthin' called a lightbulb? And the outhouse? It's INSIDE NOW!
I don't have the energy to talk about her performance. Woops, found it. Ok, so she's singing "Something to Talk About" by Bonnie Raitt. How about spinach and calamari? Anyway, her hand gestures are all wrong (she does the come-here fingers when she shouldn't), and she's so flat on every note. Guess she shoulda crawled outta that well a little sooner!
Paula and Randy: Well, Paula's sloshed, and Randy's on crack. Simon is soooo wrong on this one. WHO IS FALLING IN LOVE WITH THAT OVER-THE-TOP CARTOON? Bad Simon, BAD! I almost want to vote for her, because she makes for really fun snarking. What a caricature. Someone get that girl a library card, please. I WANNA HEAR ABOUT YOUR CALAMARI.
BTW, the ladies seem to be over their gaucho pants obsession. But now, they're all obsessed with makeup and calamari and hi-hats.
IDOLS 10... Mandisa. Redeem them, oh noble one. She played a practical joke on Ryan Seacrest right before her audition. She's so adorable. I LOVE her. That said, SONG CHOICE: "Cry" by Faith Hill? You better do this better than Faith, or BORING... Ok, now I hear it, way better and more exciting than Faith Hill. And she did that whole "may" thing at the end like Justin Timberlake (who says "may" instead of "me"), and I totally dig that. It's Gonna Be May! Good memories, good times. I miss 'NSYNC. I should go pull out my "Celebrity" CD and reminisce about that El Paso concert Cynthia and I flew down for. Wait, what was I talking about?
Oh yes. I'm thinkin' on banning Faith Hill, because they keep picking the WRONG Faith Hill songs. Next week, someone will think it's a grand idea to sing "Breathe", and I'll think it's a good idea to do the opposite.
Does anyone wanna hear about my suntan?
So the wrapup. In order of best performance tonight (I'll vote for the * ones):
My predictions on who goes: definitely Heather. I'm torn between Kinnik and Brenna (because we know that some drawl-loving sophisticates are gonna vote for Kellie despite the lovely and talented SarahK's wishes). Brenna has the annoying cat thing going for her... Kinnik never showcases her range... I say Heather and Kinnik are going home, and Kellie's gonna learn that peeple eet these thangs from the ocean called oysters. I have never wanted to hear about your suntan more than now.
Top 10 Little Known Facts about OBL
I saw this interesting story in the news today.
We have Osama' Bin Laden's driver in custody. This is somebody who met Osama and knew him. So - What vital piece of intelligence have we been able to gather?
Yes, this made news. Well, if that's good then you're really going to have an educational moment as IMAO presents:
The Top Ten Little Known Facts about Osama Bin Laden...
10. OBL tries to make sure all of his latest audio threats are available at I-Tunes. In a blatant attempt to increase downloads - he once wrote a song about gay Al Queda cowboys.
9. Next projects: DVD collection. Season One – OBL’s greatest threats.
8. Although he’s shy, OBL is rumored to have once dated Lindsay Lohan.
7. The very tall OBL was once kicked off his local basketball team. He got carried away with the bling bling. And for being a bigger ball hog than Kobe Bryant.
6. Most embarrassing moment: Being caught wearing the same dress as Reese Witherspoon.
5. OBL once planned to record a duet with Barbra Streisand. Unfortunately, they were unable to come to an agreement as to which one would be billed as “the pretty one.”
3. To overcome his shyness, OBL joined a new reality show – Dancing With Al Queda. He won first place and hit the talk show circuit. His dance partner unfortunately, let some of her ankle show beyond her burqua and had to be stoned to death.
2. Before settling in to his trademark cloak and turban, OBL tried other trendy looks such as baggy pants, wearing one sequined glove, and Elvis jumpsuits.
#1. OBL once had a special dog trained for suicide missions. He named it Brownie.
IMAO plans to share more top secreit information about this man known as OBL. Any day now - we plan to capture his manicurist.
Since the release of the Disco hit It's Raining Men, pollutants released into the atmopshere have steadily increased. This, in turn, creates the phenomenon known as acid rain.
So does this mean that at some point the song needs to be updated to It's Raining Acid Men or should it be updated to It's Raining Men On Acid?
Chuck Norris Without a Beard
This short discussion involves spoilers to last night's episode of 24:
Secret Service Agent Aaron Pierce always seemed like a badass just waiting for his moment. He's one of the few characters left who has been in all five seasons but never had a chance for action. Still, with his all business demeanor with absolutely no emotion, you could tell that guy was just waiting for terrorists to get in bullet reach. Last night, we finally got to see how kickass he really is.
So, the terrorists hit the Secret Service limo with a rocket launcher, and it looked like Aaron was already dead. In fact, he was JUST NAPPING because the terrorist attack BORED HIM THAT MUCH! He probably would have just slept through the whole thing of the limo being shot with submachine guns and a flamethrower, but the first lady was all panicky. So Aaron just casually pulled out his gun, opened the door, shot the three terrorists (exploding the flamethrower guy), and then WENT BACK TO NAPPING!
Secret Service Agent Aaron Pierce is TOTALLY AWESOME! We should start him a fan club. In a fight between him and Jack Bauer, I don't think Jack would last a second.
Carnival Of Comedy Reminder Reminder
There will be a Carnival of Comedy reminder later.
Also, I just got a NICE, new microphone and some other cool podcasting stuff with my mad IMAO money.
So, look out hisses and clicky, poppy noise, your days are numbered! Not in this upcoming podcast, but the next one.
Frank Advice on Port Security
When people first heard that the UAE were going to manage some of our ports, everyone was like, "Whatever." Then, we found out what the 'A' in UAE stands for: Arab! Those crafty Muslims, trying to take over our ports without us noticing; they're almost as sneaky as the joooos.
Now, people are concerned about port security, thus leaving it to me to tell everyone what to do:
FRANK ADVICE ON PORT SECURITY
* Remember: Ports involve delivery with ships, so, if some other vehicle than a ship comes into your port, treat it with suspicion.
* Muslim extremists could infiltrate your port and blend in with the workers. Every so often, you should yell out "Hey, Mohammed!" and see if anyone turns his head in response. Also, you might want to yell out, "Hey, Bruce!" to see if you've been infiltrated by filthy, thieving Australians.
* Just because someone went through all the trouble of painting "Not WMDs" on a crate, doesn't mean it's true. You might want to consider inspecting that one.
* Muslim extremists hate cartoon depictions of the prophet Mohammed (peace be upon him), so put an unflattering comic about Mohammed on your door. If anyone tries to kill you over it, treat that person with suspicion.
* Remember: Just because someone is Arab doesn't mean that he is a Muslim; in fact, the huge majority of Arabs in America are Christian, so, when you see an Arab, you should be more worried about a Christian extremist who will chat off your ear about "The Bible." To shut him up, just tell him you have "The Bible: The Movie" on your Netflix list and you don't want him to spoil it for you.
* SPOILER: Jesus gets killed. Ha, bet you thought they wouldn't kill off the main character.
* Don't jump to conclusions. If you hear people saying stuff like, "We're going to steal the port," "Let's take over the port," or "I'm going to smuggle WMDs in the port," they could just be talking about port wine.
* Though you don't have enough time to check every crate, don't just check the first two crates from each shipment; terrorists could use that predictability against you. Sometimes, check the third and fourth crates instead. Don't bother with the fifth and sixth crates because, even if they have WMDs in them, you'll probably die of old age before the union workers finally unload them.
* SPOILER: Jesus comes back to life! Yes, it might seem a bit cheesy like with Star Trek III: The Search for Spock, but, if you paid attention, there was plenty of foreshadowing.
* Terrorist want to smuggle a nuclear bomb into America, so, if you find a nuclear bomb in one of your inspections, make sure it's on the manifest.
* Every so often, walk among the workers asking, "Anyone know where to score some WMDs?" Maybe someone will slip up.
* Since you're right near the water, you might want to enlist the help of Aquaman so he can swim around and... uh... On second thought, try flashing the Bat Signal.
* Another way terrorists may attack us is by smuggling in Ebola infected monkeys. So, make sure you have bananas - bananas for the monkeys.
* Monkeys like bananas.
* If you think one of the workers at the port is holding back information, you should consider beating him with a rubber hose until he talks. It's a good idea to check union rules on that first.
* Remember: Port security starts with you. Don't just say, "Well I don't need to find smuggled WMDs; Jack Bauer from CTU will handle it just in time." Jack Bauer is busy and needs sleep, so do your job!
Bird Flu in cats?
Bird Flu has now passed from birds to cats...
The deadly strain of bird flu has been found in a cat in northern Germany, the first time the virus has been identified in the country in an animal other than a bird, a national lab said Tuesday.
According to this expert...
"Quit coughing on me!"
... now is the time to nuke Germany.
Rowdi: Loveable Mutt or Ticking Time-Bomb?
** SEE UPDATES **
Sarah and I are really thrown for a loop, guys; this is my most desperate bleg ever as we really need some good advice.
As told before, we adopted the three-year-old, sixty pound, supposedly part Shepherd Rowdi (then Brownie) from PetSmart on a day when the local shelter had a booth and a bunch of dogs and cats out. Rowdi was so sweet and we felt so bad that her owners just gave her up that it didn't take long to convince ourselves to adopt her instead of waiting to get a puppy. It seemed she would get along fine with our cats because she didn't show the cats there any aggression. At one point, they had a blanket cover a cage full of kittens, and Rowdi kept sniffing the cage curiously as the kittens kept swatting her through the blanket (the kittens finally pulled down the blanket and were like "Oh @#$%!" when they saw what they were swatting at.
Well, the cats didn't take to her right away, of course, and we've gotten a baby gate to keep her in the kitchen (though we let her watch TV with us on a leash) and have a huge metal dog crate to keep her in at night and when both of us are gone. It seemed that, gradually, they would get along.
Then we realized she's a pit bull. It seems so obvious to everyone who has seen pictures of her, we wonder why the shelter people didn't mention it. Actually, when she went to the vet yesterday, the doctor didn't see any Shepherd in her. We'd be like "Whatever" except that we've seen all these stories about pit bulls that are like:
We had a pit bull for four years and she was the sweetest dog. She'd never showed any aggression, would rescue cats from trees, and even carefully captured spiders and released them alive outside. Then, one day, we left her home alone for an hour, and, when we returned, we found she had killed every single living thing in the neighborhood, sold all our stocks and bonds and spent the money on crack, and swallowed all our left socks. When we found her, she was just panting and smiling in the background of an Osama bin Laden video like nothing had happened.
So, even if Rowdi shows no aggression for a year, we're worried she could just snap for no reason. In addition, we're not sure she's non-aggressive. She seems fine with other dogs and only barks at dogs who are her size or larger (and probably also female – Rowdi is spayed, BTW). Every once in a while, she gets excited and has what Sarah calls "crazy eyes" and will jump on us and play bite (light touches with the teeth but bites nonetheless). Since she's sixty pounds of pure muscle, this is a bit of a problem until we learn what to do to calm her down (the obedience class mentioned grounding her by pulling her down by her collar and pushing down between her shoulder blades, but she's too strong for that and just whimpers at me when I try).
Finally, she seems to be getting frustrated at the cats and has now a number of times growled and barked at them. The cats (especially Minerva, the older one and the one most displeased by changes in the status quo) have gotten quite brazen with knowing she's restrained when were around and will get closer and closer to her without letting Rowdi close enough to sniff her. Minerva won't run from Rowdi, and has only jumped back a foot once Rowdi darted at her and plunged her nose into Minerva's side (does that count as aggression?). Minerva is constantly going into the kitchen (usually sticking to the counters) but never letting Rowdi all the way up to her. While Rowdi still usually just watches the cats quietly until she gets bored, we're more worried that frustration will make her angry at the cats. None of the articles on introducing a dog to cats mention anything about the dog getting frustrated at constantly seeing these creatures she can't get near, and it's worrisome. In all indications, she's just curious and wants to sniff them (as long as they don't run and get her to instinctively chase them), but how can we be sure? I grew up with a German Shepherd named Lady who never successfully killed a fly (she tried once, but I later found the fly walking along the ground, covered in slobber), so I feel I might be a bit naive to the fact that some dogs kill.
So what now? We get increasingly worried every time Minerva ventures close to the kitchen when we're not in there, and, even if the cats warm up to Rowdi and she seems fine with them, how can we be sure she won't ever harm them. And what about when we one day have kids? Can we ever trust Rowdi around them?
We're really stressed on this one. Rowdi is a very sweet dog who is quite calm for most of the day. She also has the saddest eyes in the morning when she realizes I'm leaving, and the happiest expression when I take her out to play. She's very smart and is picking up commands and obedience quite quickly. We really want this to work, but we need some assurances. Is there any experts to talk to (does someone know the Dog Whisperer?)? This is going to be dominating a lot of our life until we feel this is resolved. Again, we will really appreciate any help on this.
UPDATE: It should be mentioned that we live on a golf course and can't fence our yard. The plan was (and is) to walk her many times a day.
UPDATE 2: Sarah took Rowdi out for a walk this afternoon and ran into some people delivering furniture to a nearby house. They commented on what a nice looking dog she is and one said, "She looks just like Brownie." Of course, Brownie was Rowdi's former name. Ends up, the guy knew Rowdi and the former owner and kept going on about what a sweet dog she is and how he was glad she found a new home. She was owned by a fourteen-year-old along with another pit, and the problem was the neighbors complaining about her barking (she seldom barks and the volume is nothing compared to the German Shepherd I used to have). Since we prayed hard about Rowdi and our worries last night, we crazy Christians are probably going to read too much into this chance encounter, but it certainly is making us feel better. We'll continue to proceed with caution, but we think we can make this work.
February 27, 2006
24 Day 5 - 4:00 p.m.
Graphic violence - hooray!
Previously on 24... It's possible I'll start to like Audrey. Y'all should put me down, because no one should live in the condition of liking Audrey. Plus, some other stuff happened, like the First Lady jumped in the car with the Russian president so the American Frenchman wouldn't give the assassins the motorcade route of the Russian president.
As the hour begins, President Frenchie is having a John Kerry moment. Flippity-flop, I just can't decide whether it's wrong to allow the assassination of President Suvarov and my wife. Baby no wanna make big decision.
So the president calls Martha and tries to convince her to get out of the car. "Martha, just ask the driver to come to a rolling stop! You jump out, I'll get you nice surgery to save your face!" Marty says no, and President Flipper is unsure whether to get his wife killed.
Audrey enlists Edgar to meet her somewhere and keep it secret! Keep it safe! We either have a new character (Carrie?) or Lynn just needs someone to yell at.
Curtis is looking on, as he was unharmed after being dumped in the ghetto. He's so pretty, so it's good he survived!
Audrey and Chloe are working together to help Jackie Jack, and Chloe is thinking, "I'ma put a cap in Audrey if she gets in the way of my love affair with Jack. And I'm a good shot."
And now we know that Christopher, who's somehow involved blah blah terrorist, is one of the guys Jack investigated within CTU, and he got fired, so he's mad, and oh no! Vendetta!
Audrey and Chloe get Edgar to help Jack "before it's too late." It's always just "before it's too late".
Frenchie almost makes a decision, but then he decides to suck his thumb instead. I don't like Mike Novick these days. He's advising President Estrogen to go ahead and kill his wife and that world leader guy.
Lynn is yelling at Carrie and firing her. "You don't work here anymore." "Did I work here at all? I just got my badge five minutes ago. Hey. Got something on your chin, I think it's stupidity."
Lynn is soooo on to everyone, who're soooo working against Lynn. Lynn catches Audrey and Chloe in the act (of working against him), Audrey big-times him (I'ma call my daddy!), and Lynn insists on Chloe coming back with him. "She's my ball! I'm taking her home!"
Jack goes into this blah blah terrorist guy's company and wants to meet with the SVP R&D, because he's the blah blah guy. Jack's new name is John Barrie, and he matches his picture great at the security desk. As soon as he gets into SVP Christopher's office, D.J. Chris tazers him (good thing he's not carrying a lighter on him!) and Jack wakes up with no gun. D.J. Chris never believed Jack was dead. Chris is being "implicated" by someone inside CTU because of his history with Jack. Yeah, I'll believe him at arm's length. Don't turn your back on him, though, Jack!
Fast Eddie Styles has new info for Chloe, about Suvarov's route to the airport, and they go tell Lynn, who calls them analysts like that's an insult. Curtis sits quietly until they leave; then he tells him to stop being stupid and call Secret Service. Lynn says "No no no! Me boss! Me in charge! Me yell! You sit!" and Curtis looks like he's ready to laugh at Mr. Meanie.
Audrey confronts Lynn about the President Suvarov thing, and they yell a lot. And Lynny Boy is off his nut. Whooooo. Crazy! Dadgum. I'm starting to like Audrey. She's summoning Fast Eddie and Chloe to the corridor. Eddie's talking about legalities, Chloe's all for breaking the law (because she's awesome now), and no one has yet consulted the manual on how to oust someone who's flippity floo off their rocker.
Audrey brings in Curtis. Oh wait! She has read the manual! Curtis is the ranking agent, and he's the only one who can invoke Section 112 of the CTU Crazy Leader Manual, and Audrey's totally talking him into it. Curtis is all, "Man, I've already been shot, choked, dumped in the ghetto, and now you're consulting the manual on me! Can't I have a pee break? Get some coffee? Watch my stories on the breakroom TV?"
Mike doesn't have answers for President Whinyface but reminds him how long he's got until the motorcade is dead. The President wants to pray about it, which is the first good idea he's had today. He and Mike kneel together. Dun-dun-dunnnnnnnn.
Lynn catches Edgar and Chloe doing their subversive stuff, and tries to fire and arrest everyone. Curtis says, "Yo, I'm totally gonna shoot people up in here if you carry out that order." He puts his hand on his Glock, and the other security guards look at Curtis's weapon. "Aww, man, he doesn't have a strap on his holster! He can totally draw faster than me! I'ma do whatever the black man says!" And Curtis looks pretty. [Ed: by pretty, I mean manly and suave with a very good fashion sense. I heart Curtis.]
So the security guard says, "Hey, whatever you want, Mr. Curtis, is totally what's happening." And Curtis relieves Lynn of command, releases Bill from prison, and brings Tony out of a coma. Sorry, that last part was my wishful thinking. And so is the part where Curtis completely bans Kim Bauer from ever returning to the TV screen.
Ugh. I almost like her, I know it, I feel it. She needs to do something annoying real quick, like call Jack to talk about their relationship. Or ask Chloe if they can have chamomile tea together.
They like the name Carrie on this show. Wasn't that the girl Michelle hated in season 2? Are y'all just rubbing it in our faces that Michelle is dead? I hate you, Joel Surnow! (Or writers.)
HUGE ATTACK OF GRAPHIC VIOLENCE! Just when I start to think Aaron is dead, he opens the car door and saves the day by bustin' caps in some terrorists. I still think he's gonna die right afterward, you know, cliche heroic death, blah blah. But no, the writers didn't cop out like that. Yay writers! Except for the killing Michelle thing.
Oh, and YAY AARON! WE HEART YOU! You know, if you were real live and stuff.
Aaron has saved the Russians, the First Lady, and himself. And you just KNOW that Marty's gonna beat the crap out of Mr. President when she gets back. Except that he's gonna take credit for the rescue.
Jack's now in the bunker with the terrorist who's supposedly not a terrorist. "No way in or out of the bunker." Hmm, I wonder if that will play into the final minutes of this episode. Terrorist guy bails, and Jack finds himself with no phone and with a bomb. I told y'all not to trust that guy!
Christopher leaves the building, talking to some chick on the phone, maybe Neckid Mandy. And Jack has to find a way out of the building quick, or find a way to contain the bomb. He just gets it contained when his old pal Chris blows stuff up. And now Jack is angry. Chris won't like Jack when he's angry.
Terrorist man calls President Canary and threatens to release the gas again. And the hour is over.
WHOOHOO! NEXT WEEK IS 2 HOURS LONG! SOMEONE IN TV LAND LOVES ME!
So... next week... monkeys are moving 24 to a different time so we can have 2 hours. Kim's back, Tony wakes up, Marty tells Aaron that Logan is a rat bast**d, and we have the biggest surprise of the season... so what do we think that will be?
*Aaron and Martha run away together!
* Neckid Mandy wears clothes.
* Tony is the mole (not).
* Audrey's running the whole thing, because she found out Jack was alive, and she is TICKED. First Jack killed her husband, then he went and died, and she found out he didn't die, and angry woman scorned wrath!
* Kim isn't annoying! She doesn't get attacked by cougars or lured into secret basements of cavedwellers!
* Lynn can hum the entire Notre Dame fight song!
* President Logan makes a decision and is actually sure about it!
* Aaron says screw this, I'm going to work as Jack Bauer's personal bodyguard!
* Mike tells the President that it was way too uncomfy for them to pray together since the President is a godless, mindless twit!
* or Michelle's not really dead! She's pulling all the strings!
The War in Iraq Is Truly Lost... If We Leave
An Editorial by Frank J.
Many people are saying we should leave Iraq. This is not a good strategy for victory if you let me explain. You see, when you're competing at something and suddenly leave, you lose.
Like most people, I've been watching Olympic curling. Sometimes, one team would be so far behind that, instead of playing to the end, they'd just shake hands and leave. And know what happened then? That team would lose! Yes, they could have stayed longer and tried against odds to win, but, since they left, the judges just went ahead and marked them a loser.
"Even if you're winning, leaving causes you to lose!"
Maybe you're thinking now that perhaps leaving is a good idea if you know you will lose because leaving and losing now will save time. Well, that's loser talk. Also, listen to this: when I was a kid, I played soccer (I was young; I didn't know any better). Once, we were trouncing a team so badly that it got boring and we just left. We had a ton more goals, but, because we left, we were marked as losing! So, even if you're winning, leaving causes you to lose!
Remember the only war America lost? My dad does; he's a Vietnam vet and, every time I see him, I say, "Hey, remember that war you were in? You lost it, loser." Then he hangs his head and walks away and I yell, "Yeah, you better walk away, loser." As my dad sometimes tells me, it wasn't his fault we lost the Vietnam War; it was the fault of those who decided to leave. This is great wisdom even though it comes from someone who was in a loser war. If you trace the Vietnam War to the exact moment we lost, it's when we left. Once we weren't there any longer, there was no chance to win. This is important to understand.
So, having learned from Vietnam, I don't know why anyone would suggest we leave Iraq. That's a sure way to lose. Some say we need to leave because it's dangerous there, but, when I've talked to troops about leaving, they're like, "But then we'll lose! People died for this; we're not going to lose. You stop talking about leaving and losing!" Then I get punched, and that punch hurts because it's from someone trained how to punch by the military.
Thus, we can't leave Iraq or we'll lose. Then our troops will be losers and I'll have to shout at them, "Hey! Losers!" And they'll be too sullen to punch me. Our military men and women deserve better.
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is a frequent contributor to IMAOPodcast.com. He is also the author of such books as "War and Peace: How to Choose" and "Hiroshima and Nagasaki: A Case Study on Why Not to Bomb Hawaii".
Now It's Easier to Pester Your Friends with Your IMAO Obsession
Spacemonkey added the e-mail option to all posts so now you can easily e-mail IMAO links to friends, family, high-trafficked bloggers, and celebrities (hey, I don't know if Michael Moore ever read that hate mail I wrote for him).
Also, since I don't have a permanent link on the side yet, make sure to check out the new IMAO T-Shirt:
One of the techniciansis diagnosing a network connection problem, so he asks the customer for his IP address and his service provider.
He responds with his IP address and "cable."
Not the name of the cable company he gets his access through. Just "cable."
I wonder what he's going to eat for lunch. Will he just go a place called Lunch?
Barney Fife, You Will Be Missed.
Even though the Barney Fife character will live on in reruns and on DVD collections, won't be able to watch them without a tinge of sadness knowing the man behind the badge, the bullet and, yes, the bud nipping has gone on to the Mayberry Eternal.
I, for one, will miss him greatly.
More at Jack Lewis.
Give Pete Fenson and His Team a Wheaties Box!
Though it was for the bronze, the U.S. curling team played a gold-medal quality game against Britain for our first ever medals in curling. Though I knew nothing about curling before watching the Team USA play their first game against Norway in round-robin play, I immediately was hooked. Curling ended up being the only game I really followed during the Olympics, and we were the underdogs in the men's competition (the women's competition was another story; Team USA was a favorite coming in and caught a lot of tough breaks keeping them from the finals), but, near the end, our team tied for first in the round-robin play. And that last game, ever player was near perfect. So congrats to some hard-earned medals, and now SarahK and I are going to have to look into starting a curling club locally.
February 26, 2006
Without a Clue
Apparently, there's a slump in board game sales because of the rise of online computer games and the need for quicker gameplay.
You know, we here at IMAO were working on an IMAO version of that Clue game. One evening, we get a little out of hand beating up Spacemonkey, and one of us does him in, and then we wander from room to room with various deadly implements trying to make it look like an accident.
Never did manage to finish the phototype. Harvey kept eating the dice.
February 25, 2006
Fun Facts About Maryland - The Director's Cut
The version on the IMAO podcast (Feb 13th "It's About Something, We Think") was cut here & there for time & quality reasons.
My unsullied and divinely inspired artistic vision is in the extended entry...
Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting yet completely useless and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.
This week, it's time to take a wrong turn at the Washington Monument and accidentally wind up in Maryland, so let's get started...
Maryland became the 7th state on April 28th, 1788 after it finally agreed to stop trying to invade Delaware to steal its oil.
The state bird of Maryland is the Oriole, which should NOT be confused with any similarly-named, chocolate-flavored, creme-filled sandwich cookies.
The state flag of Maryland is best described as, "a Picasso painting of a checkboard as interpreted by Andy Warhol while very drunk and standing on one leg."
The state flower of Maryland is the Black-Eyed Susan, or - as it's referred to by feminists - the "Justifiable Homicide Plant".
The highest point in Maryland is Backbone Mountain. It's 3360 feet tall, and has never been climbed by a Frenchman.
The state motto of Maryland is, "Yup, pretty much just a suburb of DC".
Maryland's nickname of "The Old Line State" is somewhat of a misnomer, since most of its residents prefer to freebase their cocaine.
Maryland was named after Henrietta Maria, wife of King Charles I of England. They WERE going to call is "Henriettaland", but decided that sounded too much like some kind of pussycat-puppet-related theme park.
The lowest point in Maryland is Bloody Point Hole, at 174 feet below sea level. It used to be deeper, but Karl Rove's been using it a lot lately to dispose of "stifled dissenters", if you know what I mean.
Presidential assassin John Wilkes Booth was born in Bel Air, Maryland in 1838. Because of his high-profile crime, all US theaters now have "Marylander detectors" at each entrance as a security precaution.
Famous abolitionist Frederick Douglass was born in Tuckahoe, Maryland, which - and I can't emphasize this enough - starts with the letter "T", so really watch that left index finger while you're typing.
Another famous abolitionist - Harriet Tubman - was born in Dorchester County, Maryland and freed over 300 slaves during 20 trips between Maryland and Pennsylvania. Today, many black people honor her heroic journies by running up and down a wooden court for an hour, symbolically helping basketballs escape slavery by throwing them through "freedom hoops".
Gaithersburg, Maryland is home to the National Institute of Standards and Technology. It employs over 3000 pimply-faced geek-boys, none of whom have yet kissed a real girl.
National Anthem author Francis Scott Key was born in Frederick, Maryland, where he spent his formative years blowing stuff up and writing poetry about the explosions.
Baseball Hall-of-Famer Babe Ruth grew up in Baltimore, Maryland, and developed his legendary slugging prowess by working as a knee-cap breaker for local loan sharks.
The United States Naval Academy was founded on October 10, 1845 at Annapolis, Maryland. Coincidentally, the United States Hooker Academy was founded across the street the next day.
The first cathedral in the US was built in Baltimore, Maryland in 1821, mostly to clear the streets of the numerous drunken Irishmen passed out in the gutters.
Annapolis, Maryland once served as the capital of the US, but the Congressional building was eventually moved to Washington, D.C. to make room for the United States Hooker Academy.
The first dental school in the US opened at the University of Maryland in 1840. The early facilities were quite primitive, and the first class taught there was a course in how to make a set of dentures out of duct tape and roofing nails.
The Concord Point lighthouse is the oldest continuously operated lighthouse in Maryland, because no one in the state is smart enough to figure out how to operate the light switch.
Maryland was originally populated by confused colonists from Virginia who wandered too far north and got stuck in snowbanks.
Kind of explains the light switch thing, doesn't it?
The highest waterfall in Maryland is Muddy Creek Falls. At 63 feet tall, it's actually large enough for Michael Moore to fit underneath it, unless he's laying on his back.
In 1790 Maryland rounded up all the lawyers in the state and threw them into a fetid swamp near the southern border of the state, now known as Washington, D.C.
The first successful manned hot air balloon launch occurred in Baltimore, Maryland in 1784. The pilot - Edward Warren - reportedly described his trip as "a great way to peek down the front of women's dresses."
The state song of Maryland is "Maybe We Should've Killed Those Lawyers Before We Threw Them In That Swamp".
Well, that wraps up the Maryland edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week I'll be swerving off a bridge with Ted Kennedy as I visit Massachusetts.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go take a hot air balloon ride.
[The complete e-book version of "Fun Facts About the 50 States" is now available at Amazon.com. If you don't have a Kindle, you can download free Kindle apps for your web browser, smartphone, computer, or tablet from Amazon.com]
One of the creepy things about running a dead pool is that I don't need to read the headlines or watch the news to know that a famous person has died. I just check my stats, slog through the hundreds of hits in an hour for that celebrity's name and the word "dead" with it in a Google search, and I know that there's one more face to be added to the Emmys or Oscars morgue's gallery.
What's even creepier is when people slam the site with a celebrity's name and the word "dead" but the celebrity isn't dead. Horatio Sanz is the most common subject of furious and fast Google searches when someone passes around a new rumor about him.
Anyway, I thought I'd share that bit of information before asking:
What was your favorite Don Knotts movie?
Since we are having a lot of enlightened comment from the left, I would lke to offer this comment thread as a means for you who so desire to offer your advice on how killing babies is a GOOD thing, under the right circumstances.
Put us in our place. Shut us up. Tell us where to go. Perhaps you think we may not realize how dumb we are, this is your golden chance to let us know! All the things that advance your side's arguement. Don't blow it!
By blowing it I mean forgetting to do it with love or forgetting to speak from your happy place.
Listen to me, you fail to speak with love from your happy place, then sadly, you're just going to push us further away from the path of love and enlightenment that you have found. And in the end you'll just look like the hate-filled moron we're sure you probably think you aren't.
We are listening. Spew, I mean speak.
First New IMAO T-Shirt Since... Like Forever
It'a a new IMAO T-Shirt, IMAO's Top 10 U.S. Military Slogans, and it's in a new color from all the other shirts we've had. Go check it out and pre-order because our pets need food. We heard a dog can go a month without eating, but we'd like to feed Rowdi more often than that.
February 24, 2006
Mythbusters Does Instapundit
Discovery Channel has a show called "Mythbusters" wherein special-effects experts Adam Savage and Jamie Hyneman examine popular urban legends, constructing elaborate experiments to determine whether they have any basis in fact. For example, if you use a bullet in place of one of your truck's fuses, can it go off and shoot you?
Recently, Adam & Jamie undertook one of their most intriguing investigations to date: Does the cuteness of a puppy actually effect its potency as an energy drink, as claimed by Glenn Reynolds?
First, test puppy A:
Wow! That's one ugly puppy!
After thorough blending:
The beverage was fed to an anonymous test subject, known only as F.J:
Hmmm... doesn't look too energetic...
Next, test puppy B:
Blend! Blend! Blend:
What does F.J. think about this one?
And there you have it folks, Glenn Reynolds was right: "the cuter the puppy, the better the energy drink"
Be sure to check out Mythbusters next week when they investigate whether worshipping Satan can make your crappy book rise to #1 at Amazon.
South Dakota Abortion Ban
Well, it looks like South Dakota is about to put the brakes on abortions. This means any of y'all planning on the "Get scraped and head to Mouth Rushmore for the weekend" package deal might want to adjust your itinerary.
May I suggest "Pick up some RU-486 and camp out in Yellowstone" as an alternative? There's nothing like the soothing regularity of watching Old Faithful go off while you wait for your uterus to recover from the aspiration procedure.
Just make sure you don't fall for the "Explore Big Bend and then let a Mexican in a trailer wirehanger your fetus" offer going around. There are some issues with regards to the cleanliness of the instruments as well as difficulty in crossing back and forth over the border.
Remember... if you're going to kill your baby with an unnatural medical procedure, might as well make up for it while backpacking in the great outdoors and cherishing the natural legacy of this country.
Dr. Duck has answers from Wednesday's questions. Obviously these are questions that burn your soul.
What would you guys do without me: except lead productive lives.
Here are the questions and answers.
A history lesson: A long time ago, Frank J would keep to a vigorous writing schedule called “I’ll post when I feel like it.” His fans, upon seeing his writing would compete to be the first person to make a comment. This is kind of silly. I mean – would you see this sort of thing anywhere else. ?
President Bush. And that concludes my speech. Any questions?
Why do trolls bother with us? We know how lame we are already, why do they waste their breath?
How do I keep the stupid cats from being scared of my new dog Rowdi?
Dogs have a strong sense of smell. It’s very important that your cats smell like something a dog likes. Try covering them in ketchup.
Dr. Duck, How retarded does someone have to be to think humans are causing global warming? And just what is wrong with global warming anyway? Might help Denver get to host the Super Bowl one day.
Personally, I’m hoping for more global warming. If it floods, I have property in Arizona that would become beachfront land! I’ll call it Otisberg – or Duckyland. I’m not sure. It’s a good plan. Actually – it’s super.
One word: Ketchup.
Dear recent convert to the Religion of Peace (TM), will those 72 virgins be wearing burkhas, because if they are, that will be no fun at all.
Technically speaking, we’re not even sure if the virgins are female. But I’m hoping. I keep thinking it’s some sort of evil trick: Like I’ll kill Laurence Simon and when I get to Allahworld (or whatever it’s called) I’ll get virgins, but then they want me to meet their parents, get a job, bathe. Stuff like that.
Oh wait. I saw this in a movie. The barber is a kid right? But he doesn’t know he’s dead? And then Bruce Willis kills him again.
Note to self: See more movies. And get a haircut.
My replacement question is: what is the difference between libertarians and Neo-cons?
Grasshopper: I believe you have just made that transition.
What is up with that Arick Baldrim guy?
I don’t know. Last I checked he was hanging out with puppets?
There’s nothing wrong with being prepared: Clean underwear, shotguns, canned goods. A good plan to take over the world can keep you entertained for hours at a time. Excuse me: I have to finish up some , er, secret plans…
I think it’s very closed minded of you to think that there is only one answer to this question! Here are some other choices:
All of the above
Oh great and wise Dr. Duck -
Excellent: My secret plan is working! I mean- there’s nothing to see here. Move along.
Out of curiousity - do those voices make you less or more inclined to do our bidding?
Please explain this extreme, for a lack of a better word or two "fetish" with, "nuking the moon." if frank j. nukes it and the light of it goes out then what will happen to the moonbats that seem to draw strength from it???
I resent your use of the word fetish. The moon is beautiful thing. Have you ever seen it wearing leather.. I mean. Let’s move on. Nuking the moon can affect moonbats in a couple of ways. They will either day, or blame the lack of moon on global warming.
Yes, I will
Let’s have an honest talk. If your friend has such bad taste why is HE the one who has a wife, while you’re at home reading IMAO? Maybe it’s you. Maybe you just THINK your date looks like a pirate: Did you know that there has been a surge in the popularity of peg legs? Maybe she’s the right one for you. Just think: you two could be walking in the moonlight when she says “You’re a good man you Arrrrrrrr.”
On second thought: Stay home. And tell your friends about IMAO.
Remember: free speech gives you the right to push people through the fire exit. Or is it yell FIRE! I forget! Sometimes it’s fun to make people think that valuable cash and prizes are hiding right behind the door. Then when they open it – Brap. Brap. Braaaaap. The alarms rings and you yell: You won!!! You won!
Dear Dr. Duck,
I feel very insulted. I consider myself I Spicy White Person.
They are right over there. Right behind the fire door.
* Braap. Braap. braaaaap
Um. See that fire door over there?
It’s a blatant stereotype that in Mexico (aka Spicy America) people will take you hostage and demand cash. Many of todays SA’s also take credit cards and some even accept PayPal.
As far as the pics are concerned: we took a sacred oath to never speak of them again. ::shudders::
why didn't you answer my question last week?
Shane: There are a few signs in life that people are ignoring you. Does it feel like people start to talk to you and then..
You’re what’s wrong with the Religion Of Peace!! I try to do my darndest to do well, and somebody like YOU comes around to undercut me and work for less money!! Then somebody else comes around and does it for 20 Virgins. And before you know it, we’re having to outsource our killing!!
I mean, RightWingDuck has great humor. Though, lately, I haven’t posted much that you won’t already find here. But you should keep that in mind.
Let’s review the things you can give a dog. A nick. A nack. A paddywack. A bone. Nope. The Y is nowhere in that list.
Okay. Enough for this week. Glad to see people bringing the questions to the table that make life so fulfilling.
In the Mail
Since I'm a very important person, I get sent free stuff in the mail (I even have a PO Box now which I call my "Free Stuff Because I'm Important Box"). More often than not, I don't do anything with it... especially books. Luckily, a publisher sent me an e-mail asking if it would be okay to send me books and saying I'd be under no obligation to even mention them.
So now I have Menace in Europe : Why the Continent's Crisis Is America's, Too by Claire Berlinski which will be available to unimportant people like you on February 28th. I had it sitting around for about a week now, but I finally sat down and read the press release and the first couple pages this morning as I had my coffee. The first chapter was entitled "Europe on Five Dollars a Day and a Flamethrower" which was a good start. Apparently, the author is an American who has spent a lot of time abroad (especially in Europe) and the book is about how European Muslims are a growing threat and that Europe's culture is not helping (and, when she says Europe, she means Western Europe). Early on, Berlinski predicts that another attack will occur in America soon and that the perpetrators will be Muslims from Europe.
Well, the first few pages have enticed me to read more. I don't know very much about Europe other than broad generalization (e.g. the French like to surrender and don't bathe), and the writing style of the book is quite entertaining while promising to be quite educational. I'll tell you as I read more (or if I end up getting bored).
Yay to free books I may or may not read!
An IMAO tribute to African-American History Month
Q: When James Brown sang Papa's Got A Brand New Bag, was the bag paper or plastic?
A: James Brown is well over 100 years old, so when he came up with the song it was long before major grocery chains and the invention of plastic polymerization. However, it was also long before the mass production of paper sacks.
Therefore, the bag was likely a canvas bag. However, knowing James Brown's propensity for recreation of the smoked variety, it may also have been made from hemp.
Can't Have Just Anybody Reading Me
Michelle Malkin is back up and running, and now you can see posts from her favorite twenty blogs thanks to Technorati. I'm not on that list, as Malkin wants to keep the humor of IMAO to herself. I'm the same way; the funniest things I've ever written I don't post but instead printout and hide the printout so only I will ever have read it.
This reminds me; I need to get a blogroll up on IMAO again... or maybe separate blogrolls for each IMAO author. This time, it will be more exclusive... in fact, the greatest honor any blog could have is being on the IMAO blogroll. Less people will be honored with that than who won the Nobel Prize!
Since it's Friday, I thought I'd spread the joy of humor-free, apolitical Friday Catblogging to IMAO (aka "I-MEOW").
Sure, some of the IMAO bloggers have cats, but apparently I'm the only one of them brave enough to Friday Catblog. Maybe they're worried that Japanese will riot and burn down Hello Kitty stores or something.
Anyway, today it's Frisky the Fluffball:
If you're not sure how this absurd scene pertains to IMAO, since IMAO is famous for that "political humor" thing, it doesn't. If you must have some semblance of politics or humor in everything you read here, just assume that Frisky is... um...
Help me out here. Make your suggestions in the comments how this scene is, in fact, a political allegory.
February 23, 2006
American Idol 5 first results show
(crossposted from mm)
the opening banter between Simon and Ryan was funny.
btw, i usually don't blog the results show, but i just got so sucked in when they did the Eagles song, and Taylor harmonized, and i started we're-not-worthying. plus Chris was so great on that song, and so was Elliot. btw, when Elliot smiles and gets all excited, he looks a bit like Lair. and no, i'm not just saying that because they're both Jooish. besides, i have no official confirmation that Elliot's Jooish, because only an anonymous commenter told me so.
when they replayed Ace's performance from last night, Frank held up his hands in front of his face and said, "aaaaahh! i can't look at him, i'm afraid it'll make me gay!"
Brenna's paddling like a duck. quack quack.
ok, i'm thinking Brenna's going. wow, i was wrong. Becky's gone. i thought she would stick around just because she's hot, and because Brenna SANG STEVIE WONDER. i think Simon's right, she'll have a good modeling career.
the girls seem to be over their gaucho fetish from the other night. aw man, i'm gonna get a lot of sickos searching here for fetish photos now. bad sickos! go away!
so... Bobby and Sway are on the bubble, center stage with Ryan. wonder who's going home... not really. i have to give it to Bobby, he has personality, and he took it well. he's funny, i reluctantly laugh at his jokes. "Bobby, it's you." "I know." except now he's blaming his Gram. poor Gram. well, anyway, he's gone, yay. except that means that we have to listen to Copacakillme again.
btw, you know all the guys on Taylor's row were thanking their lucky stars.
2nd girl going home. i'm thinking it's Stevie or Heather. Brenna's safe, Kinnik's safe. and Stevie and Heather are in danger. both of them were terrible last night. i'm sad about Stevie, because hearing her before, she's good. the lesson here for contestants is: NEVER GO WITH THE UNDERSTATED PERFORMANCE UNLESS IT'S GOT A BIG FINISH. and then if you get booted off, please don't blame "tha sickness". that just makes everyone roll their eyes, even if it's true. anyway, i wish her well, i liked her.
i love the colors she's wearing. brown is my favorite color to wear. unlike Becky and Bobby, she was better tonight. oh yeah, except that major crack, but whatever.
Ryan is so tiny.
and with the guys, everyone i voted for is staying. and the two i predicted to go are gone. Patrick is out too. he just was forgettable last night. Bucky still needs to shave that penciled-in 'stache. if you fellers are going to wear 'staches, at least go all in.
PAULA: "i just love you, Patrick. but not as much as i love vodka in my Coca-Cola cup."
so everyone i voted for and/or would have voted for moves on. i was 75% on my predictions. Becky left in place of my Heather prediction.
YAY FOR TAYLOR!
This Is Your Brain; This Is Your Brain on Ports
The more I learn about this issue with the ports, the more I learn I don't know anything from which to form an opinion. Despite my capitalistic instincts, I would have assumed the U.S. government ran our ports. As for reality, I don't know what "owning" a port entails. I could probably look that up, but it sounds boring. Thus, I don't trust Congress on this issue, because people in Congress seem to be dumber and have shorter attention spans than me.
Anyway, the UAE seems like moderate Muslims in that, deep down, they want to kill us all and force Islam upon the world, but they have better things to do. They're a modern economy, and I don't really see them sacrificing that to blow a few things up.... even to kill Jews. Plus, they are an ally.
Still, they have radical Muslim beliefs. If selling the port were like contracting out our airline security, I'd be against it even if I found it highly unlikely for the UAE to sponsor attacks against us. But, if selling out ports to them is no more dangerous than selling them the Dairy Queen down the street, then I don't see any problem ("Now that they control how many pieces of crushed Butterfinger go in our Blizzards™, they'll be able to kill us all!").
Since I don't know, it would seem the safe thing to do would be against selling the ports since it's like I'm going to make any money from it. Still, if selling the UAE the ports is inconsequential to security, to deny them would kinda be a slight when we need allies. It would be like, "I'm not selling my Hyundai Santa Fe because you're a Muslim!" That could hurt feelings, and hurting people's feeling is wrong when it isn't especially humorous.
I really need someone smarter to steal an opinion from here, but anyone who understands this issue entirely must have spent lots of time reading really boring stuff, and people who spend lots of time reading really boring stuff are suspect to me.
I think I won't have an opinion on this. I can do that, right?
UPDATE: If you come to IMAO to get your opinions and thus need my opinion, I currently lack a coin to flip. Any suggestions?
UPDATE 2: The Ubeliever had pointed out this page where I can flip virtual coins. Now, the question is what coin should I use and what should being for the port be heads or tails? Should I put up a poll? Should I put up a poll on having a poll?
Not having an opinon and trying to artificially manufacture one is hard...
Port Quagmire May Cause Armagedden
I'm afraid the entire port issue has devolved into a quagmire. Sure, you know things are going screwy when Jimmy Carter is coming in on the side of the president but that's not what has really caused the whole thing to go south. What was the tipping point? The moment that president George W. Bush threatened to do what he swore never to do while he was president, use the Veto. I remember what he said during his inauguration, the first one i think.
...and uphold and defend the constitution...
,and that's when he drifted into a trance, got that far away look, and said ..
...but never, EVER use the accursed veto because for its use has been forever tainted by traitors and commies like Clinton, and terrorist appeasers like Carter and I'm no commie traitor or terrorist appeaser. But if I ever DO use the veto or even threaten to do so, it shall be a sign to all that the End of Days is near. Other signs will be prior to this a high ranking Republican will shoot another Republican, possibly in the face, perhaps with a gun that use some sort of shot...Going back to these words I heard spoken during that solemn ceremony I knew things had reached critical mass. To forestall the coming apocolypse only one course can be taken. In accordance with prophecy, the ports in question must be ritually cleansed with unmarked 100 dollar bills, (you can mail them to me) and then destroyed by 'the fire that lights the sun.'' When this is complete the ritual slaughter of all who published an opinion about the issue, whether for it or against it, can commence in earnest. Oh and we can attack and colonize the UAE. We can just scratch out the E and stick an 'S' between the U and the A on all their stuff. Don't they have oil? With Arab in the name they've practivcally GOT to. Yeah we can take that too.
In retrospect maybe saying the world wlil end if he uses the veto and swearing not to use it are two different things, but he was being sworn in when I heard him say it. But no thinking person would say this is an administration that wants to go in the history books as being the one that caused the end of the world.
Don't forget to email me for the address to the send those c-notes for me to use for, uh, all the port cleansing stuff.
Maybe the TSA isn't as dumb as we thought?
Let me get this straight... a man's shirt erupted into flames after he was shot with a Taser?
Dennis Crouch had already slashed himself. And when he refused to drop his knife, Daytona Beach police Officer Betsy Cassidy decided she had no choice.
Um... do cops shout "GUN! GUN!" before shooting someone with their sidearm?
A Taser probe pierced the pocket of his khaki shirt -- and ignited the butane lighter inside. Cassidy's pocket exploded in flames.
And now you know why they ban lighters on airplanes, folks.
Well, those and really sharp knives. Because they're a somewhat deadly combination when you have to Taser them.
Speaking by cell phone from his hospital bed Tuesday, Crouch said he had been drinking at the time and didn't remember everything that happened the night before.
Oh, I forgot. They ban drunk people, too. Nothing's worse than Tasering Johnny Sixpack waving a knife around and turning him into Johnny Fireball.
I Want to Kill All Americans and Turn The Entire World into One Muslim State, But That Will Not Affect How We Run the Ports
An Editorial by President Khalifa bin Zayid al-Nuhayyan of the United Arab Emirates
As many of you now know, a company owned by my country is about to buy a number of your ports. Any rational look at this deal will see that it benefits both our countries, but, of course, many of you stupid infidels are all opposing this even though you don't understand the slightest thing about it. This whole controversy just makes me want to wipe out all you moron crusaders all the more, but please understand that this port deal is much more important to us than the eventual victory of Islam over the entire world, Allah willing.
"This [controversy] makes me so mad, I want to murder all you Americans in your sleep... until I remember the economic implications of that."
Get one thing straight, this has nothing to do with port security. Your own Zionist-aligned government does all of that, you abominations to my sight. It's not like because we run a couple cranes in America that suddenly we can sneak in some nerve gas, you idiots. Even if we could, how suicidal do you think we are? If we let terrorists use the ports, it's not like it would take Sherlock Holmes to trace that back to us since we own them. Do you know how rich I am? Do you really think I want to be hiding in some spider hole like that ass Saddam? Of course, I'm using logic that would take a moment's reflection, something that's a little too advance for you mindless critics. This makes me so mad, I want to murder all you Americans in your sleep... until I remember the economic implications of that.
And stop bringing up how two of the 9/11 hijackers came from here; is America responsible for every one of its citizens? If you think the UAE was involved with in planning 9/11, then come out and say it so I can strangle you for your lies. Yes, I cheered for a moment at the deaths of so many infidels... until I remembered how much business we do in New York! My country has a huge per capita income, but it's honestly not the most solid in the world. Implications of us involved in terrorism could knock us over the edge, and, if you took a poll of our citizens, you'd see a near majority consider economic stability more important than mass murder. As much as I want you all to die, we have our own housing bubble to worry about over here. Do any of you understand that? Sometimes I think I'd have to use a pipe bomb to get through your thick skulls.
And honestly, how many of you knew your ports weren't owned by Americans before all this? I swear, if any of you raise your hands, I'll cut them off. None of you knew anything about the ports until the talking heads and harlots jumped on this issue, and suddenly all of you are like, "Oh no! The Arabs are going to run our ports and they want to kill us all!" Hell yes, we want to kill you all, but it's not like we could fit that in our business plan. Have any of you looked at our business plan? Of course not. Holy Allah, I so want to strangle you all!
All I want you stupid infidels to understand is that this deal is all business. All thing being equal, I would stab you all repeatedly and then behead you, but that is not a money making venture. So stop your stupid mouth flapping before you make us so mad that we seriously begin considering using your ports to kill you.
Khalifa bin Zayid al-Nuhayyan is the President of the United Arab Emirates and likes to watch horse and camel racing and plot the destruction of Israel between business ventures.
In My World: Presidential Inquiry
Bush looked up from his desk to Cheney. "Hey, Dick, is this whole selling the ports to the UAE just some plot to get the public to accept the ports actually being bought by Halliburton?"
"Whittington asked lots of questions," Cheney answered, cleaning his shotgun.
"Uh... I'm going to go back to working on the word jumble in today's paper."
"You do that."
No more leaving for work, locking the door, and realizing I frogot my sunglasses and then heading back in. That's just toturing poor Rowdi.
Anyway, I wish the cats would get over their fear of the giant beast with the massive teeth because I want my dog to be able to follow me throughout the house. I hate keeping her in the kitchen, especially since the AC seemed to have stopped working yesterday (anyone know how to debug AC?). We got a Gentle Leader (no, it's not some sort of Asian Communist dicator) to help train her and maybe keep her in control when the cats are ready enough to see her and not freak. We put the neck strap on as instructed, but the sound of her breathing changes (though she doesn't seem to mind). Anyone ever use one?
Sorry about the blegging, but we're worried about our dog. She just wants to be good and be loved, and we don't want to screw up our end.
February 22, 2006
National Black History Month
Okay, so some of you have been wondering why we haven't done anything on National Black History Month. Well, besides the fact that we're all a bunch of white guys (with one white gal who's pretty), there's the fact that any attempt to come up with anything funny about National Black History Month by non-blacks would be considered racist.
Or, as Oliver Willis puts it: RACIST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
As the Token Jew of IMAO, I feel a bond with all sorts of other tokens in our society, especially token blacks. After all, weren't Jews slaves to the Egyptians under Pharaoh Ramses? Didn't each of us have our era of domination in the NBA? And the boxing ring? And weren't Jews shipped to the New World in gigantic boats?
(Okay, so we weren't chained up and sold like livestock. Except for those of us in show business.)
So with all this in mind... um... err...
Sammy Davis Junior! Sammy Davis Junior! Sammy Davis Junior!
There. I did it. You thought I couldn't do it, but I did it.
Remember, it's National Black History Month for the rest of the month. And it's a non-leap year, so you're getting ripped off with just 28 days of National Black History Month instead of 29 days of National Black History Month.
Thank you, and peace out.
American Idol 5 top 12 guys
Paula wants unique and different. not just unique. not just different. she wants that unique performance that's also different from the others. and that different performance that is also unique. got that?
Randy wants the dawgs to bring it.
Simon wants to hear about your suntan.
IDOLS 01: Patrick Hall. oh good. he's in touch with his feelings. i hope he feels the song in his soul. 1st line out of his vocal chords has me saying "next please". so he's singing "Come to My Window" by Melissa Etheridge. oh good, she was probably singing it to a girl too, so at least they're on the same page. this is one very forgettable performance. what a beating. it was like the 3rd place guy at the karaoke dive on karaoke roulette night. and not the dive where everyone is drunk and the bikers all sing good. oh my no! did you see all the collagen in his mother's lips? i don't like to make fun of people's appearances, but that's totally self-inflicted. i know, i'm going to hell for being so mean. not voting for him.
IDOLS 02: David Radford, the crooner from Crystal Lake. maybe he'll be an eagle-eyed machete enthusiast! "Crazy Little Thing Called Love". i'm so glad he's back to his element. ok, but he's gonna be one of those performers like Constantine who i have to listen to when i'm cooking and can't see the TV. because he's crazy to watch. the singing was good, the stage performance was ... um ... insane. so. i'll close my eyes, you sing, and we'll get along. i'm voting for him.
IDOLS 03: Bucky Covington is singing "Simple Man" by Skynnard. i really like the tone of his voice. if we could just get him to shave off that ridiculously thin mustache, it'll be much better for me. he can keep the soul patch. but he really should wash his hair. or maybe he just needs to dry it, i don't know. anyway, he's good enough. not sure if i'll dial the phone, but i'm hoping he goes forward.
IDOLS 04: Will Makar. the only one left from Texas! here's some Deep in the Hearta comin' atcha. wait, did i already send that? "I Want You Back" by the Jackson 5. you hurt my heart. DEAR CONTESTANTS, JUST BECAUSE YOU WANTED TO SING THIS SONG WHEN YOU WERE 8 YEARS OLD DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD SING IT ON NATIONAL TV. REMEMBER YOU ALSO PICKED YOUR BOOGERS AND FLICKED THEM AT THE DOG WHEN YOU WERE 8? anyway, it was way better than i expected considering the song. he looks like Fred Savage (Bobby Brady, Paula? remember, he was the wussy little freckled one?), so i like him... probably won't dial the phone, but he shouldn't get kicked off.
IDOLS 05: Sway Penala. the guys are as into their feelings tonight as the women were into their gauchos last night. he's singing "Reasons" by Earth, Wind, and Fire. and it's special to him. what kind of falsetto convention did i walk into? holy boogers, Paula is standing up and seal-clapping above her head. that was awful, and Randy and Paula are on crack. so what if he can go high and do vocal acrobatics? would anyone actually want to listen to that? ever? it was like Mariah Carey (obnoxious) on speed. thank you, Simon, for having ears.
IDOLS 06: Chris Daughtry is doing "Wanted Dead or Alive"! sweet! need i say who that's by? he's one of the three i'm here for tonight. there he's working the mic stand like Bo. i think they can't control it, they have to do it because they've sung in bars. and he's wearing his wedding ring, yay! ok, he's great, i am so happy he's here this year. VOTE FOR CHRIS! lol, Ryan. Simon's going to the happy place.
IDOLS 07: Kevin Covais. he's 16, and Frank said he would have guessed half that. he's singing "One Last Cry" by Brian McKnight because Brian is one of his role models. i was thinking that he'd been charged with some crime or other, but i googled and came up with nothing; maybe i was thinking of R. Kelly. know how old i am? this was our class song my senior year in high school. not by my choice, but whatever. we also had teal and burgundy for our class colors... yeah. anyway, he blinks a lot; i don't know if that's nerves or Tourette's. it was decent, but his voice was shaky, and he looked so nervous. i'm voting for him anyway, because he's been great until now.
i think Paula's got the alkey in the Coca-Cola cup tonight. she's standing up an awful lot. i think the standing is to signal her personal bartender that she needs another.
IDOLS 08: Gedeon McKinney. he's singing "Shout". ok, i have to say it. he has such a strange look about him. that's not a bad thing, he just has a very memorable face. i think he reminds me of someone. oh! i know who! can't think of his name or what he was in, but he was in sitcoms in the '70s and '80s and was always antagonizing a main character or something. i actually enjoyed him, i love his shirt, and his smile just grabs you, i don't care who you are. he smiles so big, and i actually believe he's a happy guy. Simon and i are gonna have to disagree on the smile thing. his smile bothers Simon? his smile is my favorite part! i'm voting for him just because of the smile. one thing: shave the chocolate smudge - you pull off the mustache as well as Bucky does, which is bad.
IDOLS 09: Elliot Yamin. "If You Really Love Me" by ugh. Stevie Wonder. don't get me wrong, i love Stevie. DON'T SING STEVIE SONGS ON AMERICAN IDOL. THEY ARE FEEL-GOODIES, NICE PLEASANTRIES, BUT THEY DON'T EVER STRETCH A RANGE OR LEAVE THE LISTENER WITH A LASTING IMPRESSION. ok, i'm done yelling now, sorry. he did a good job vocally, but come on, how do you expect to move people to dial 10 digits for you when you're singing Stevie Wonder? unless you have the piano too... i'm not feeling it. really, he sang well. but he sang Stevie. did i mention that you shouldn't sing Stevie? hats off to him, though, for his facial hair. i have nothing to critique about his facial hair.
[number withheld]: Bobby Bennett. if Taylor weren't singing last, i'd have turned off the show as soon as he said Barry Manilow. seriously, does everyone remember that horrible night from season 3 when everyone had to do Manilow? it was absolute torture. as was Bobby's performance of "Copacabana". blurgh (that's my throw-up sound). i ate meatloaf tonight, and it's on its way back up. it was yummy the first time, but i'll not thank you for bringing it back. Paula: druuuuuuuunnnk. the mustache? shave shave shave. i'm thinking he made it to the top 12 so they could have a class clown for the AI5 yearbook, but i've got question marks all around my head for this one. how did he get here? moving on...
holy! did you see the end of the 24 preview just now???
anyway. IDOLS 11: Ace Young. so he's dropped the Brett altogether. spitting image of Kelly Clarkson. he's singing "Father Figure" by George Michael. i'm laughing my head off, because... welp, not a shocker there. he just made my dog growl. good girl! he does more hair flips and camera stares than Constantine. Paula: i changed my mind, she's absolutely stoned. out of her gourd. the judges love him. me? i can't stop laughing at him. he's like a caricature of himself, and himself is Constantine Maroulis + Kelly Clarkson + Unknown (Seacrest?). eh, he sang fine, but i disagree with Simon. horrible song choice. and please stop having sex with the camera.
IDOLS 12: VOTE FOR TAYLOR! oh wait, i should wait till he sings. finally, an excellent song choice. "Levon", which he chose because it means something to him. aww crap, another one in touch with his feelings. but anyway, i'll let it slide because i adore his voice so much. he was excellent, the song choice was great for him, he carried himself well on stage, made me want to grab my husband and slow dance across the livingroom. he just makes me melt. shut up, husband (who just said that he looks about as old as his father), you leave him alone. and his personality, he's infused with soul vibe. and he's soooooo weird. yay for Taylor!!!
so here's how i rank them (i'm voting for the * ones):
so my prediction on who's leaving tomorrow night: i think Stevie and Heather are gone, though Kinnik is a possibility. and i think Bobby and Patrick are gone.
War On Terror Greeting Card
Wandering about the greeting card aisle this last Valentine's Day, I was struck by the fact that there seems to be a card for almost every occasion.
Except the War on Terror.
It occurs to me that Hallmark could make a killing if they expanded their offerings a bit, for example:
The Osama Fatwa Card:
Infidels! You make me mad!
Pray five times toward Mecca town
Obey me lest I chop your head
If nothing else, it'd save the terrorists the trouble of making all those badly-dubbed Osama podcasts.
Ask Dr. Duck - I'm here to help...
This is a cold confusing world isn't it? Well, close the DOOR! Do you think we're made of money?
Anyway, it's time for Ask Dr. Duck: The segment I do each week (yup, I've decided to make it a regular post) where I offer my love and guidance. Well - my guidance at least.
Do you have a question on your mind? Love? Life? Relationships? Politics?
The Doctor is in. Remember, I'm just like a real doctor except I have no credentials and no training.
Disclaimer: Dr. Duck is not a real doctor. He's also not a real duck. But he is Mexican and has darker skin than Bryant Gumbel. But then again, so does Michael Jackson. Bryant is funny - I hope he says something again. Anyway, Dr. Duck's advice is offered for entertainment purposes - should you choose to follow any of his advice - now THAT would be entertainment. Results guaranteed or your money back. No refunds. Store credit only. IMAO has a strict policy that says, "You break it - you buy it." Questions may be submitted by posting in comments, by email at rightwingduck at yahoo dotcom or by snail mail: RWD, North Pole - C/O Santa Claus.
Answers posted on Friday.
Carvinal Off Codemy Redminer
Damian G. (whihc wlli bee teh olny wrod II spel corectly inn thsi psot) wili bee hsoting teh carvinal of codemy att Conservastink onn thrusday.
Wnat too hoset? emale mee att firstname.lastname@example.org wtih "Hose Carvinal Off Codemy" asthe snubject.
Sometimes It's Hard to Come Up with a Clever Little Title for Everything
Lots of stuff came up today, so your regularly scheduled In My World™ will have to wait until tomorrow.
The wacky comment SarahK found reminds me that I have a DVD of an interview Sgt. Joe foo' the Marine gave to a local station in Idaho in December. It's half an hour long with two thirds of the show about Toys for Tots, but, in the first third, my brother tells all about his experience in Iraq, what it was like dealing with Iraqis, about being a translator (foo' taught himself to speak Arabic on his own time), and about when his group found a giant (perhaps the largest found) weapons cache... which even had a prisoner kept there. What software do I need to rip the video from the DVD, and how much can I legally show before I have to ask permission (I know that people like the Political Teen post clips from shows all the time)?
Finally, we are busy at work recording for the next podcast. It looks like it should be a funny one (for once!). Keep waiting with bated breath.
BTW, this could totally sink the Bush Administration if true.
What were the other five Commandments?
With the Mohammed Cartoons backlash crap still flowing around, thanks to various ill-tempered imams viciously stirring up their illiterate and ignorant angry followers in a plethora of the globe's finest armpits, I got to thinking about the rather humorous mockery of an actual prophet... by one of his semi-devout and more-than-famous followers, no less!
From History of the World - Part I, I bring you the comedy stylings of Mel Brooks:
MOSES: The Lord, the Lord Jehovah has given unto you these fifteen...
My question is a simple one:: What were the other five Commandments?
You could say that Diana and Dodi had a photo finish
Just in case you're wondering, after nine years of legal wrestling and wrangling, it all boils down to this: the penalty for chasing a British ex-princess and her boyfriend to death is one euro.
Before you get any bright ideas, keep in mind that's one euro each for the three photographers convicted of chasing Diana and Dodi to their doom, not together.
Leave it to the French to come up with a punishment that doesn't begin to cover the horrifying curcumstances with which two humans were driven to their deaths by professional parasites, let alone the fact that the three euro coins they're collecting won't even cover the deceaseds' long rotted-out eyes completely.
American Idol 5 top 12 girls
(crossposted from mountaineer musings)
i was watching curling, taking a long, hot bath and hitting an early pillow last night, so i'm just now watching Idol. which means i didn't vote, so if the right girl doesn't get kicked off, i don't get to complain. haha, yeah right. i'll moan and groan and yell and kick, and poor Frank will have to listen to me. y'all will too, unless your scroll bars are working.
Mandisa is the first to sing. she is the girl who has humbled Simon and gotten him to apologize for the fat comments. and oh yeah, she's singing "Never", a Heart song (i heart them!). she wants to prove that sisters can rock too (from my church experience, i would never have doubted that). i would have voted for her, absolutely. ftr, i didn't think it was over the top like Randy and Simon did. she's so funny, i just adore her personality.
Kellie Pickler, on the other hand... she makes me tired with all the crying and the hicking (my cousins from West Texas aren't that hick!). and she's singing a Martina McBride song ("How Far"), which means i'll be exceptionally hard on her, because i just hate it when Martina's songs get butchered. she deserves so much better... eh, she's decent on the song, but she's got lots of flat notes, lots of sharps... she's pitchy tonight, Randy. um, standing ovation worthy? uh uh, i don't think so. if she doesn't talk much, she might grow on me, but only if she doesn't talk much. i absolutely disagree with Paula and Simon. likeability factor? um, maybe if she stops crying and speaking. Kellie, you are so over-the-top on the hick act, you should really tone it down. and you should really listen when yee-haw girl gives you advice (that's me. yee-haw.). i wouldn't have voted for Kellie.
Becky O'Donohue, singing "Because the Night". say, didn't 10K Maniacs do that one? yep, they did, says the Internets search engine. oh, she's all over the place on this, missing lots of notes. that's too bad. i'm noticing a pattern with the girls this year. we seem to have a lot of rocker wannabes. might we get one this year? (not Becky, but someone, maybe). wouldn't have voted for her.
Ayla Brown. ugh, let's talk a minute about fashion. i know they like to call them gaucho pants, and they're all the rage now, and everyone is wearing them (i don't think Becky O. owns anything but gaucho pants), but i will always think of them as long culottes. which means i will never be on board with gaucho pants. i believe in everyone's freedom to look dumb; otherwise, i'd campaign for the banning of gaucho pants. moving on... LOL, i'm so OLD! one of Ayla Brown's favorite movies "growing up" was Mulan. that movie came out the year i graduated college. anyway, Ayla's going to sing Christina Aguilera's "Reflection"; awwww, i used to listen to that when working in my tomato garden. i hope she doesn't try to be Christina, who was always just trying to be Mariah, who is one of the all-time most annoying people on Earth. aw, man, she played boys' football for 3 years; i hope she's good so i don't have to insult her. i don't want to get my pinkytoe kicked... she was pretty good on that, but then she ruined it by saying she "felt so complete" after singing that song. ::rolling eyes far back in my head now:: she tells Ryan she "felt amazing" while she sang the song. really? even in those gaucho pants? i don't want her kicked off yet, but i wouldn't have made the dialing effort for her last night.
Paris Bennet, one of my favorites through the early rounds. singing "Midnight Train to Georgia". this should be good. crap! gaucho pants! who's dressing these children? actually, hers are a little shorter, so i'd call them full-on culottes. that makes me wanna cry... oh yeah, the singing. so far she's not wowing me, but i'm hoping for a big finish. i have to admit, she actually pulls off the culottes. eh, that was not nearly the caliber performance i was expecting from her vocally. she has the energy, the look, but the singing bored me, probably because there was little range. i still would have voted for her because i know she's got it all, but honestly, today i'm hoping that she doesn't dud out like Nadia Turner did.
Stevie Scott. when she started out, her name was Stephanie. oooooh, she's singing "To Where You Are", that song that Josh Groban sings so amazingly. she has a very controlled voice, and she's singing well. eh. i was expecting way more of that song based on her earlier auditions. she was too quiet for most of the song, i kept waiting for her to belt it out, but nothing ever came. the guys are right, it was boring and messy. i wouldn't have voted for her, and that makes me sad, because i really want her to do well. one thing on her physical appearance: she needs to not slump. i know she's stinking tall, but she needs to carry it and not try to make it go away.
halfway through, Mandisa is tops.
Brenna Gethers. drama queen, middle name is "Mima". NO NO NO. i don't care if you want to show your softer side, you can't sing "You Are the Sunshine of My Life". that song is meant for wedding receptions, not American Idol. she copped out and went the safe route. absolutely boring, no range, and not nearly as dramatic as i was expecting from this gaucho-wearing drama queen. i'm having Mikalah flashbacks. seemed like such a firecracker and then just fizzled out, got old over a period of a week. Simon said it right, she's a wild cat that someone put gloves on. she so wants to sleep with Simon. and he eats that stuff up. NO NO NO, Brenna, no one needed to see your softer side. i wouldn't have voted for her.
Heather Cox. "When You Tell Me That You Love Me". can someone just shoot me now? i hated it last year when the finalists did it, i'll never like it, what a horrible choice. NEWSFLASH FOR CONTESTANTS: HOKEY IS NOKEY. hey, how cute, i made a little rhyme that almost made sense. oh, i hate this song so much. i just keep picturing fadeouts from Vonzell to Anthony and oh barf, make it stop. that was awful. she's so beautiful, and she's not wearing gauchos, so i wanted her to be great. with such an awful song choice, it's so hard for me to know if she's just bad, or if it was the song.
i hope the guys are better tomorrow night (which is tonight, since i'm watching this Wednesday), because tonight (last night) has been like Bode Miller disappointing.
poor Ryan Seacrest. someone writes terrible jokes for him, and he gets paid to say them.
oh, you big fat liars. it's not catty backstage with the AI girls. yeeeeeaaah.
Melissa McGhee, the beauty pageant girl from Tampa. hey, i've been there! Faith Hill's "When the Lights Go Down". one of the most boring songs Faith has ever recorded. ah well, at least it's not "Mississippi Girl" or "Bringing Out the Elvis". she was good except when she tried to warble, which was when she always went flat. but hey, cute outfit, no gauchos, good sound to her voice; here's to hoping she doesn't do a Lindsay Cardinale and go safe every night. i may actually have voted for her. oh dear. she's hinting that they should put her on tv more. oh, bless her heart, life experience has made her feel the songs in her soul more. ::do i even need to write in the eye roll?:: here's to world peace.
Lisa Tucker, one of the best quality voices. singing "I Am Changing" by Jennifer Holiday. groan. i hate it when they talk about how wonderful the message is of the song they're singing. blah blah blah. i'm singing it because i think it showcases my voice, and i really want to showcase my voice. why don't they all just tell the truth. anyway, she's fantastic, sings beautifully, has as much charisma as Orlando Bloom, she's all that. i would have voted for her.
Kinnik Sky. singing "Get Here" by Alita Adams. are y'all gonna roast me if i say, "by whom?" hey, no gauchos here and she's singing the song because she knows if she can pull it off, she's good. i'm not feeling the denim formalwear (really, those two words should never be paired up), but it's not gauchos. ok, so she can do the big wail. i disagree with Randy, i thought she carried the entire song fine. she didn't blow me away, but she was good. i wouldn't have voted for her, but i don't think she should go yet. and hey Simon, don't call a 28 year-old old, or this almost-30-year-old will cry.
egads, am i really going to be 30 in 5 months? ::sniff:: where does the time go? y'all give me a stage, and i'll sing a song for you that i really feel in my soul.
Katharine McPhee. singing "Since I Fell for You", which she says was originally recorded by Barbra Streisand. um, no, not originally, but whatever. anyway, i like Katharine, so i won't dwell on that. i might dwell on the fact that she really looks up to Babs, though. yep, it's ruined her for me. btw, ALIAS, season 1, episode 21, Sydney Bristow sang this song in the club where Khasinau was having dinner with Mistuh Sahhk and Will Tippin was being held... so to the singing. no gauchos (official gaucho count tonight: 4), yay. best vocal of the night. oh brother, she's still going on about kissing the judges.
vocally, here's how they stacked up for me tonight...
i can't wait to hear Taylor Hicks, Kevin Covais, Chris Daughtry, and David Radford (but only if he croons) tonight. i just hope none of them are wearing gaucho pants.
i wanna hear about your suntan.
But are there pedicures in Iraq?
Jim Tarver, who missed the social studies class about communism, writes... (edited for language)
Why don't you pinkos go and fight the wars? Because you're pinkos. You f@g war whimps need to get over the thought that poor kids can fight your battles for you. So, pick your sorry pinkytoes up and go fight the wars if you want. Just leave the rest of us to live our lives in peace.
You're totally right, Jim. You've really turned me around here.
February 21, 2006
Super Happy Fun Partial Birth Abortion FAQ!
The Supreme Court is going to take another look at the Constitutionality of bans on partial birth abortion (I guess the new press preferred term is now "a type of late-term abortion"). To help in everyone's understand of the issue (and IMAO is nothing if not a tool for education) I've gotten a doctor who performs late-term abortions to answer questions about this controversy.
THE SUPER HAPPY FUN PARTIAL BIRTH ABORTION FAQ
Q. Critics call it partial birth abortion. Is that name accurate?
Q. Why don't you call it "brain sucking abortion" instead of D&X?
Q. Don't babies need brains?
Q. Does sucking out a baby's brains cause the baby pain?
Q. How was this procedure invented?
Q. Since the whole body is already out, why not just pull the head out and deliver the baby?
Q. Why not fully deliver the baby and then suck out the brains?
Q. Do you favor legalizing infanticide?
Q. Some people say it's morally wrong to suck out a baby's brains. What do you say to that?
Q. I thought the whole point of sucking out the brain matter was to collapse the skull and make the dead fetus easier to deliver, especially in cases of hydrocephalus?
Q. Opponents to D&X say that the procedure it never needed to protect a mother's health. What are your views on this?
Q. Should the baby have any say in this?
Q. Are you ever afraid of being attacked by anti-abortion extremists?
Q. How did you ever get into this line of work in the first place?
Q. What are your views on the Constitutionality of D&X?
In Europe, the Moonbats Would Be Locked Up for Claiming that Their Speech Is Being Opressed
This whole burning buildings and killing each other (and so far, it's just Muslims killing Muslims) over a couple cartoons is crazy beyond belief, but Europe can't sit too high on its horse saying they were just practicing free speech when they're still locking up some people for the same. Yeah, denying the Holocaust is dumb, but imprisoning someone for stupidity? People like that should be posting on DU, but instead they're making this guy a martyr.
I think a lot of Americans would be surprised at the laws in European countries on speech and other things. Europe doesn't have a Bill of Rights, and it shows. In Britain, if someone breaks into your house and tries to rob, rape, and/or kill you, you'll be imprisioned if you respond with anything other than a harshly worded letter (but not too harsh - see hate speech laws).
I would like to see a catalogue of laws in European countries that violate human rights - limits to speech and self-defense, specifically. Unlike a lot of other countries, they can get over their primitive state through voting and not just military intervention (not that we should take that off the table). America and Europe should be friends, and real friends tell you when you have bad breath so you can do something about it.
How not to diagnose your PC
Okay, so there I was, sitting in my chair and wondering why the catcams froze up around 10:08 yesterday morning. Program just upped-and-died, as we say here in Texas.
Last time that happened, the program locked up because it couldn't save to my D drive. Funny things, D drives. But not so funny when they have a spot of corruption so bad that they can't read or write in a particular location.
Praise Moses for backups, I suppose.
This time, there's no tell-tale grumbling or crunching sounds inside the case. So, it's time to make the beast jump through a few hoops.
First, I run the usual scandisk and defrag. Then I do the hard drive diagnostics.
Everything's fine, says the SMART thingy.
After that, I run the computer through the diagnostic tests over and over for half an hour.
It's fine, peachy-keen and dandy.
Finally, I check for the usual round of upgrades and patches, but everything's current.
So I wake up this morning, flip on the computer, and run it through its usual morning check of the headlines and such.
I listen to the case: "Buzz... buzz... buzz..."
What the? Hard drive failing? Controller out of whack?
I start up the diangostics again, but everything's clear.
It's when I realize that my cell phone is on top of the case and it's buzzing for my 6:10 wakeup alarm that I decide it was all just an error in the nut between the chair and the keyboard.
It's Big, It's Metal, It's Home
A lot of people are convinced that Rowdi is part pit bull (we know she's part German Shepherd) from looking at her picture, so she is no longer a mutt but instead is a purebred Shepit.
Luckily PetSmart refunded us for the kennel Rowdi broke out of. SarahK then picked out this gigantic all steel cage. It folds up and has handles so you can carry it around, but it weighs a ton so the only reason you'd want to do that is if you really needed a hernia. Rowdi loves it. Apparently being able to see out in all directions is a plus (I thought she'd want something more sheltered), and it's so big she could get lost in it. As soon as we lined the bottom with blankets, Rowdi went in and laid down. SarahK was like, "Aww, she likes her new room and... what's that she has? That's the package of tortillas I just bought!"
When we locked her up for the night (which we're going to have to do until we can trust she won't chase the cats all over the house and inadvertently destroy everything), she didn't even seem to mind. If she did, I don't think even Superdog could break out of that thing.
Anyway, SarahK has to bring Rowdi back to the shelter today to get one of those microchips implanted in her (Rowdi, not Sarah). We're only afraid that Rowdi might think SarahK's bringing her back to leave her there. I told Sarah to take the cats with her and see if she could trade them for another dog, but she said no.
As for the cats, the keep jumping up on the kitchen bar to take glimpses of Rowdi and then run away. If they don't get over their fear of Rowdi soon, I think we'll just lock them in the cage along with Rowdi and then go to Disneyworld for the day while things settle themselves.
February 20, 2006
24 Day 5 -- 3:00 p.m.
it's the Jack Bauer Power Hour! complete with graphic violence! spoilers below the fold...
man, why do they have to show Audrey in all the previously clips?
so here we are. Jack is looking at something. Badger is telling someone that the Centox (Syntox? Cintox? at first I thought Symtex, but those are vintage Russian explosives -- i learned that on ALIAS) is genuine. and he's gained about 10 pounds since the previous episode, i'm sure of it. no no! you can't stab and kill Badger! ugh, i really like him on the show. i mean, for a bad guy. why does Fox always have to kill Badger? MONKEYS!
Audrey is talking. that makes Chloe crumple up her face. Lynn is a hothead, he wants Jack arrested, because Jack saved people's lives. bad Jack!
Nathanson calls Audrey and wants her to patch him through to Jack. he says he can find the nerve gas.
hmm. Nathanson tells Jack that there's someone else inside the government working in the bad bad terrorist operation. Jack says, "you lie!" and the Russianish-accented guy says, "nuh-uhhhh!"
Lynn's all ticked off about Curtis being dumped in the ghetto (he's so pretty, after all!). And he's yelling and wondering why Jack got a call from "Audrey". And now Audrey is calling Chloe and saying, "hey, help me trick Lynn! it's for Jack!" and Chloe's all like "anything for hunny-bunny Jacko! yeah, let's do this thing! and when i think of an insult for you, i'm totally gonna say it, because i'm Chloe!" and Audrey's like "thank you."
and they trick Lynn, and SarahK's like, "awwww, crap! i'm gonna start liking Audrey!" and Frank's like, "only if they send her out on a mission and she shoots someone!"
now Mike and the French President are talking. a terrorist has called Walt's phone, and Logan is all like, "i'm not talking to a terrorist! terrorists are scary! you do it!" and Mike's all like, "grow a pair, and stop being so French!" and Logan's like, "if a terrorist talks to you on the phone, do you become one? or do they have to bite you first?"
so Logan thinks it's Erwick, but it's the guy that stabbed Erwick/Badger. and Mr. Switchblade (yeah, it wasn't one, but that's a cool sounding knife) wants the Russian president's motorcade route so that he can assassinate Suvarov, and he tells Logan that Logan has 15 minutes to decide, and Logan starts to say, "i'm not sure i can make a decision in such a short period of time!" but Mr. Switchblade cuts
and now Mike is wearing his "i'm pensive and reflective" face that he's been wearing all day, and he tells Logan that Logan can't sanction the murder of the Russian president (you know, it being an act of war and whatnot), and Logan says that he wants the route, so Mike just does the whole woo-woo crazy signal next to his ear and says, okie dokie.
Lynn tells Bill that Audrey totally tricked him and that Bill should fix the pores of the agency. and Bill says, "why, i know JUST the skin cream for that! i'll get right on it whenever you're done with my desk, Mikey!"
Jack and Nathanson, who is apparently not Russian but likes to inflect a bit of some kind of accent just to confuse snarkers like me, talk on the phone. it's a nice chit-chat, and there are helicopters arriving on the roof where Jack is going to meet Nathanson.
Audrey and Bill have a sweet heart-to-heart, and Bill's so into her, and she's so into Jack, and Bill's going, "d'oh! lost another girl to a former CTU agent." that reminds me, when's Tony waking up? anyway, Lynn walks up to spoil their insubordination moment, and Audrey wants to kick him in the shins. just like me.
Jack and Nathanson are hiding from terrorists, or Nathanson is, anyway. ok, Nathanson is fighting a bunch of terrorists with a super-big gun, and then a super-bigger gun, and Jack's giving him instructions over the phone or earpiece or whatever. hey! isn't that the rooftop where Jack chased the kid in season 2, and the kid fell on his back and got a pipe to the neck? that building gets around.
Jack the Crackshot takes out the last two, and he and Nathanson have a gunbattle (or Jack does, and N. -- what a long stinking name -- hangs around and waits to get shot). didn't N. cut and color his hair since we last saw him? i think so. anyway, N. gets offed, but just in time, he tells Jack to go through his pockets and look for loose change. Jack totally scores, yay!
Jack calls Audrey, but Lynn's totally up her butt, so she transfers the call to Chloe, who tells Jack that Lynn thinks Audrey's been talking to Jack behind his back "which i guess she has." so he uploads the info with his SPRINT!! SPRINT!! SPRINT!!
President Limp-Wrist is just sure that he should give the info to the terrorists, because hey, they've got good security on that motorcade!
and Martha comes in and totally verbally kicks Limpy's pinkytoe and says, hey, you're the U.S. president, you don't get to behave like other pinkytoe leaders of other countries! you can't just sanction murder! you're not a democrat from Arkansas!!
did i say that out loud? nevermind, forget i said it. really, Hill, i mean Bill, i was kidding! sweetie! lock the doors! where's Shiny?
so Chloe and Audrey and Bill work together to circumvent Lynn so Chloe can decrypt the chip Jack got. and Lynn throws a hissy-fit and throws Bill out. Audrey's like, "i'm calling my dad!" and Lynn's like, "don't threaten me! Goonies never say threaten!"
Chloe's on the phone with Jack. "can Buchanan help you?" "he could if he weren't in holding." Chloe thinks Lynn is losing it, LOL.
Logan tells the emmy-caliber Jean Smart (really! give that woman every award! who'da thunk? Charlene!) that it's a difficult decision that has to be made, and Martha wants to put his gralls in a vice (me too!), except he doesn't have any! she's horribly torn up over it, and Logan limply hand-shakes Suvarov and bids him a fond adieu. "thank you, President Logan, for everything. especially that kill order!"
sweet! Martha decides to ride to the airport with the Suvarovs and tells Aaron to make sure the President knows where she is. dadgummit, Aaron's gonna die. he gets in the car with Martha and she tries to tell him to go in the other car, and he insists.
so. next week: Jack gets stun-gunned, and when Lynn tries to get everyone at CTU taken into custody, Curtis says "if you do that, i'm gonna draw my weapon and shoot you, you stupid fat hobbit." and Logan has to decide whether to let Martha die or not. i'll bet you anything he says, "welp, she made her own bed, and that'll sure be a whole lotta trouble out the window. you know, she's crazy." which she's not. bad husband. i want a divorce.
The Quail Hunting Incident Is Symbolic of Everything That's Right with the Bush Administration
An Editorial by Frank J.
As soon as I heard that Cheney shot a man in the face, my immediate reaction was, "This is why I voted for Bush." I've had my doubts about President Bush at times, but, as this incident unfolded, it's reminded me of everything that's great about his administration.
"You can sum up the Bush Administration as one big hunting accident, and that's why I love them."
First off, this incident involves guns. Gun rights are important to this nation, and even Democrats pay lip service to gun owners by saying they support hunting. Cheney didn't just support hunting, though, but also demonstrated the most important purpose of guns - shooting people. The Bush Administration doesn't just support guns for sport, they support gun use for self-defense.
One of the worst things about the Democrats is how they are beholden to trial lawyers - a scourge to our country with their constant lawsuits trying to ruin people and drive companies out of business. The Bush Administration, on the other hand, will shoot lawyers in the face - WITH A SHOTGUN! - even if they're supporters. Now that is the action of people not ruled by special interests.
Also, look who did the shooting. It was Dick Cheney, a seasoned hunter. President George W. Bush has surrounded himself with many people good at what they do, so, instead of Bush wasting time shooting quails and lawyers himself, he left that to who knew it best. It was also left up to him whether to notify the Washington press corps, and he wisely chose not to since those people are dumb and all information is wasted on them.
Some may say that how the quail got away while the innocent lawyer (or, as innocent as lawyers get) took the blast in the face is symbolic of how Osama got away while we accidentally bombed that orphanage full of puppies, but, to me, it reminds me of how the Bush administration is determined to at least try and get the terrorists (quails) even in detriment to their own friends (specifically, Whittington).
Finally, there's how Cheney didn't pay for that seven dollar hunting stamp, which is another example of the Bush Administration's contempt for excessive taxes. Yes, Cheney did eventually make out a check for seven dollars, but I hear he wrote "I hope you choke on this!" on the memo line.
So, all in all, I guess you can sum up the Bush Administration as one big hunting accident, and that's why I love them.
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is a frequent contributor to IMAOPodcast.com. He is also the author of such books as "Not in the Face! - A Day with Dick Cheney" and "Extermination at All Costs: The Case Against Quails".
International Eat An Animal For PETA Day
I just wanted to give y'all a heads up that the Fourth Annual International Eat An Animal For PETA Day is coming up on Wednesday March 15th, 2006.
Meryl Yourish started the Eat an Animal For PETA Day back in 2003 in reaction to the idiotic "Holocaust On Your Plate" campaign comparing chicken coops to deathcamps, and it's gone International since then. Hence, the word "International" in the event's name.
Anyway, a site is in the works to help people organize gathering-places in various cities for eating animals together. It will also allow people to post links to their own blog entries on eating animals.
Oh, and putting a putting a puppy in a blender and drinking it counts. It's gross, but it counts. (Maybe that's why SarahK and FrankJ got the new puppy?)
I look forward to the participation of the various IMAO bloggers and the loyal IMAO audience in this noble cause.
Ok, So Dead, Then?
Osama has issued another audiotape (why never a cd or an mp3 file?) apparantly it's a slam against Saddam for being captured so easily, basically OBL says "I'll never be captured alive." That leaves being captured dead, and I think I, at least, can live with that.
...Haha, that's right, American infidels, if you ever dig me out of my cave, you'd better be ready to meet Allah, because I'll be ready to make the intro, know how? Because that grenede I'll be clutching will already have the pin pulled. You'll be all, "look we got him, we got Osama, quick take my picture", then, BLAMMO. 73 virgins for me, I got upgraded, I'm a frequent Jihadi, and eternal hellfire for you!
So, bagged and tagged instead of cuffed and stuffed. I applaud him for saying that, that's the way I've wanted it all along, the dead part not the taking some of us with him part. Of course, "Hussein in the membrane" said something similar, back before we nabbed him and got him addicted to Cheetos.
Osama bin Laden promised never to be captured alive and declared the U.S. had resorted to the same "repressive" tactics used by Saddam Hussein, according to an audiotape purportedly by the Al Qaeda leader that was posted Monday on a militant Web site.
Now that Osama bin Laden is denoucing Saddam Hussein (albeit to take shots at America) is it now all right for the American left to do the same?
Seems Like An Important Story... But It Doesn't Involve Cheney Shooting Anyone
So what's all this with the Middle East now controlling our ports?
I'm angry at Bush on this one for putting me on the same side as Chuck Schumer; that makes me feel dirty.
The Last Dog Post Until the Next One
Rowdi was only liking the toys I've given her so-so, but then I bought a stuffed monkey toy. She immediately chomped down on it to crush its bones and then tossed it in her water bowl to drown it.
Rowdi is like the perfect dog (calm, sweet, obedient, already house-trained, hardly ever barks) with the only problem being that the cats are scared of her. My solution to that is to put both cats in a burlap sack and throw them in a bog. I honestly don't know where to buy a burlap sack, though, but I bet I could find the nearest bog using Google. SarahK vetoed that idea, though.
Instead, we've penned off the kitchen and made that Rowdi's area. The cat's get the rest of the house since they were here first. Also, the kitchen gate is situated so that the cats will never see the dog unless they choose to go over and see her (which Sydney, being both dumb and brave, has done a couple times). Hopefully the cats will get over their fear in not too long, because I really want to let Rowdi have full run of the house. I don't know about you, but to me the main point of a dog is for her to lay at your feet chewing a toy while you watch TV.
Anyway, wish SarahK luck. She has to take care of and walk big happy Rowdi until I get home from work today.
February 19, 2006
we're changing the dog's name
1) because Brownie is a stupid name for a blonde dog, or any dog for that matter (they must have let the kids name her), and 2) because we both keep accidentally calling her "Rowdy", because she resembles J.D.'s and Turk's "dog" on Scrubs.
so her new name is Rowdy. we figured that would be ok, since Rowdy and Brownie sound pretty close. she's already answering to Rowdy. probably because she agrees that dogs shouldn't be named after desserts.
UPDATE: mm reader Mike suggested an "i" at the end of her name to make it more girly. so her latest name is Rowdi. Rowdi J.
Like Oil and Water
Brownie is really excited to meet the cats, and the cats are deathly afraid of the giant dog. When Brownie is in her kennel, Sydney is brave enough to slowly creep up near the dog (which get ruined when Brownie can't stand it anymore and barks). Minerva, on the other hand, is hiding in the deepest recesses of the garage.
I guess the goal is to teach Brownie that the cats are boring (something I learned right away), but I guess that will take some time. If anyone has gone through this and has advice, it would be appreciated.
Aww... Brownie just went into her kennel to sleep. She's such a good dog when she's not moving.
February 18, 2006
February 17, 2006
Glenn Reynolds Proves His Point
During a recent interview on CNN, Glenn took the Legacy Media to task for not showing the infamously offensive Muhammed cartoons, saying "I think when you cover things up, you let people's imaginations run wild, and the results are often worse than if you expose things. The press is there to tell us things, not to hide things from us."
Ironically, CNN proved Glenn's point by omitting the portion of the interview where Glenn held up this controversial political cartoon:
Also omitted was footage of journalists rioting outside the building after the interview, where an ugly puppet of Reynolds was burned in effigy.
I know I'm risking my life by posting these pictures, but if I don't, then the journalists win.
Dr. Duck Answers
Getting tired of being treated like a number? Feel like you don't matter?
Dr. Duck cares. I have all your answers and promise to listen to everything you say.
Here are the questions you recently asked: along with the answers to everything...
Dear Dr. Duck,
Posted by aelfheld at February 15, 2006 04:07 PM
You're boring. I'm moving on the the next question. Check in with my secretary, we'll have you come back next week. Oh - and bring some food with you.
We obviously have different tastes. Cindy is one good looking Iguana. Rumor has it she'll be on the cover of Bush Killed My Son monthly.
Once he runs out of states, he’ll cover emotional states.
Fun Facts about insecurity.
The pill to cure insecurity was invented by I.M. Shie. Rather, it would have been invented if he didn’t doubt himself so much that he cancelled his presentation and went off to Hooters.
Everyone feels insecurity at one point or another: or maybe it's just you.
Here’s the meaning:
Main Entry: 1life
Does that help? It helped me. Turns out I was pronouncing it wrong!
You are obviously looking for the meaning of life. Please see the previous question.
A song is officially a classic when the pretty young thing sitting next to you has never heard of the song. At that point the song is a classic: And she's too young for you.
Styx? Paleo, this would explain why you keep mailing us to have us review Brokeback Mountain.
I think I found Spacemonkey's glasses. How much should I hold them for randsom?
Half their value seems fair. I say ask for 50 cents.
The IMAO bloggers are always nagging me to finish what I start. Here’s what I say to that..
We have established that it is no great sin to shoot a lawyer by accident. What about on purpose?
My position on shooting reporters: I prefer a two hand grip with my feet shoulder width apart.
I mean – bad. Bad, MegaTroopX. It is wrong to shoot a lawyers – Unless He’s Headed Right For You! (strictly a South Park joke- sorry)
Oh great and wise RWD, I have noticed a marked increase in linkage from the blender of puppies who shall not be named. Why is the mighty Frank J (may his name be praise) consorting with the blender of puppies? Also can you give me directions to a good Chinese restaurant?
Are you accusing us of kissing up to Glenn Reynolds so we can get traffic? I’m not sure Glenn Reynolds would do that. Glenn Reynolds is a good man. So stop insulting Glenn “The Puppy Blender” Reynolds.
Chinese food is cool. I can’t think of a good restaurant right now. I’ll email Glenn Reynolds.
Dear Dr. Duck,
You need one with room, but can help you do the job. But it also has to say, "I care about the environment and there's nothing to see here - go on about your business."
II say, look into getting a garbage truck. Careful with the parallel parking. Once you get it, swing by and let the IMAO staff check it out. Can you come every Thursday?
I understand Lissa. I haven’t seen such a bad name since Clinton almost named his dog Squirt. I don’t understand the motivation – let us be grateful that some things are funnier than we could ever make up.
We saw the pattern of birdshot from Chaney's hunting accident! How come we didn't get to see the pattern Monika Lowinskey sustained when Bill Clinton shot her in the face
You can. They were sold to the Clinton Library as Rorschach Samples.
Interesting idea. What exactly are the nuns chucking? Is it rocks? Wood? How much wood would a chucking nun chuck if a nun chuck could chuck wood?
Why does a certain monkey from space keep misspelling my name?
We’re hoping to get better at the writing thing. For that reason, we are looking to hire another 999,999,999 monkeys. Please see the job description at Monster.com. We pay top banana.
Why can't I stop playing World of Warcraft? I asked this before and you did not help me. Now my problem is even worse!
Wacky, let me just say this: your cousin is exactly what is wrong with this administration. I’m sure nobody told her about her right to choose. I’m sure nobody cared and now this poor child will be brought into a loving home and showered with love and kindness. What is wrong with you people? BTW, make sure you tell everyone your personal business ASAP – otherwise I’ll just never trust you.
You know what, when I first came to this country, I went hunting with Mr. Cheney. Of course, he wasn’t VP at the time. I didn’t speak much English at the time. Good people. He'd say, "Go there!. Come back. He’s Headed Right For Us.” Good people.
Dear Dr. Duck,
No: Your IP has been banned. You will be allowed to return in 444 days. After that: we'll consider if we can allow Carter voters the constitutional right to marry.
Computer science is the field to be in. However, you may want to consider another field – especially if you DON’T live in India. Otherwise – make sure you lean programming and have lots of naked pictures of people. That's where the money is.
Mathematics is good – but if you choose that as a career – you’ll need to make sure you have lots of naked pictures of people. Unless the math formulas can keep you warm at night.
Is this on Chinese or American TV? I say that it would be a draw, Normally Chuck gets the girl, but he’s getting older, so he'd walk off with the girl's grandmother. And Miyamoto walks off cracking funny joke like: "ha ha, funny american man - you go rub her with Ben Gay."
That's good. Excuse me, I have to go work on a script.
There you have it. I hope that Dr. Duck has provided you with loving guidance. Remember - just 24 more E-Z Lessons and I'll be a true professional. In the meantime, sit back, relax and tell me - what do you see in these Rorschach blots?
Since it's Friday, I thought I'd spread the joy of humor-free, apolitical Friday Catblogging to IMAO (aka "I-MEOW").
Today, it's Piper the Fencekitty:
If you're not sure how this absurd scene pertains to IMAO, since IMAO is famous for that "political humor" thing, it doesn't. If you must have some semblance of politics or humor in everything you read here, just assume that Piper is... um...
Help me out here. Make your suggestions in the comments how this scene is, in fact, a political allegory.
February 16, 2006
Top 10: The Winter Games and the GOP.
Commentator Bryant Gumbel was right on when, during a recent broadcast he said...
Bryant was right by Gumbit!
I say that the Winter Olympics is a LOT like the GOP.
9. Best score wins. No extra points given for nationality.
8. Guns: Winter sports feature shooting with real ammo. It couldn’t be better unless we got to ski and cut down trees.
7. People stand for the National Anthem.
6. Flag trading limited to souvenirs not citizenship.
5. Men’s luge. Women’s luge. Nothing for transgender.
4. Sweepers on Curling team have their immigration papers.
3. Admiration of Roe Vwade refers to the skier from Norway. And his brother, Ingvar Vwade.
2. Medals are ordered in bulk from Wal-Mart.
And the Number One Way that the Winter Games are like the GOP...
1. The GOP, like the Winter Games, features us winning!!
Thank you Mr. Gumbel for helping us spread the word.
Not quite like a virgin
Congratulations to Madonna for once again reinventing herself with her recent hernia operation.
Superstar Madonna has been treated for a hernia but is now "absolutely fine," her spokeswoman said on Thursday.
For the first time, she lays flat on her back with a group of rich men poking around inside of her and it's the insurance company that's paying for it.
Must Love Dogs
Thanks for all the dog advice everyone gave us previously. SarahK and I are starting our search in earnest for a dog now, and we're going to start with trying to find a pound puppy or rescued dog. The thing is, we need the dog to be a puppy so as not to freak out the dumb cats too much and we'd prefer he'd be a German Shepherd or Shepherd mix. What's the best place to look?
Be Careful! He May Gore!
I realize I haven't yet commented on all the crazy things Al Gore said at the Jeddah Economic Forum. Since Gore was Vice President for eight years and is a favorite of the muckadoos, I think it's important to note what he's doing. Many people were angered when he trashed us in front of the human rights giant Saudi Arabia by saying how America has been indiscriminately rounding up Saudis based simply on them breaking the law, but he also said other crazy things... specifically ten in number:
TOP TEN OTHER CRAZY THINGS AL GORE TOLD THE SAUDS
10. "Even though the NSA listens to all our phone calls, they won't pay half my phone sex bills."
9. "When you're not watching, the dogs all laugh at you behind your back. I can't prove it... but it's true!"
7. "Though I was not elected President, I still am the lizard king!"
6. "If you are wondering why I'm wearing Kleenex boxes on my feet, it's because the neo-cons spy on us through our shoes."
5. "If I told you the reason I'm wearing women's underwear, though, they'd kill you too."
4. "They say I'm stiff, but look at me raise my arms above my head." (minute later) "There, I did it."
3. "In America, they wear hats on their feet and hamburgers eat people."
2. "First the police came for the muggers. Then for the liquor store robbers. Who will these Nazis round up next?"
And the number one other crazy thing Al Gore told the Sauds…
"The American people are so stupid, the almost elected a complete nutjob as their leader in 2000!"
What's going on? I'll tell you what.
Dissent is being stifled left and right, well left anyway. The Bushco-Halliburton constructed re-education camps in Texas are already filling up. Now the camps themselves are begining to become stifling what with all the crowding and the combined hippy odors of those being detained. The Democratic Underground, KOS and the City of Seatle are all practically empty now. The few remaining 'voices' are Rightwing moles used to badger and ferret out the rats. Other rodent figures of speech were not available for comment.
In related news, the depopulations of dissenters resulting from liberals being abducted along with the new jobs created from new camp construction are driving unemployment down nationwide. However this depopulation is only freeing up on average 1 job for every 25 liberals being sent to the camps, since many are able to remain gainfully unemployed during their in-camp-ceration.
Gas prices are down a little, due to the influx of stolen Afghani and Iraqi oil. However, the upcoming wars we have scheduled with Venezuela and Iran should help bring them down further to make the solution to the liberal problem more cost effective.
So You Didn't Laugh When Cheney Hit a Kid in the Head with a Kitten?
I wrote a nice little post about how everyone loves IMAO (I even got an e-mail from a liberal today who enjoys IMAO), but then I found this comment (edited for language):
This website SUCKS!!! What a bunch of sick ronin you all are. I HATE neo-cons! Your gun worshipping is revolting. Go blow away each other in your self-righteousness. Keep a handgun with you at all times! Shoot first and ask questions later, just like dick(head) cheney did while quail hunting! Go blow up the rest of the world, go nuke them to prove how "bad ass" you really are. Yee-haw! Then kill all the liberals, kill all the socialists, kill all the Europeans (because they aren't into "intelligent design" and still prefer science (you know--the science that brought you the internet...your PC...you Mac...your chemo-therapy if you ever had cancer...etc). I just don't get you people. I think you are ruining my country. There is SERIOUS division in this country now. I think it will only get much worse in the years to come.
I'd respond to the substance of this comment, but IT'S ALL TOTALLY TRUE!
Still, this person seems unhappy. People should be happy. You, Mr. Liberal, need to be more happy. Find a grassy field on a sunny day and spend the afternoon chasing butterflies. After that, you come back and comment again. I'm sure your comment will be much more happy and make us all happy too. Then the circle of happiness goes on!
Remember, ronin, many liberals out there are just in need of a hug, so go hug them and make them happy.
IMAO accepts no responsibility for hug related mishaps. Anyone who takes advice from Frank J. is doing so at his own risk and against the advice of about any lawyer.
Uh... What's Going on Again?
I think I should write some more political commentary, but I totally can't remember what going on since Cheney shot his friend in the face with a shotgun. I mean, my memory is totally wiped.
There's like a war going on, right?
Carnival of Comedy #42 is UP
Sherlock at BakerStreet has Karn Evil #9 errr Carnival of Comedy # 42 posted. You should go read it.
American Idol cut to 24
i forgot to cross-post this from mm last night.
so it's the big night. the final cut to get us down to 24. that means far fewer annoying people! woohoo! let us pray that the Brittenums are included.
so it's the big night. the final cut to get us down to 24. that means far fewer annoying people! woohoo! let us pray that the Brittenums are included.
wow, they're cutting a bunch of people right up front. how are they gonna make a whole hour out of this?
all the contestants are shocked and acting sad, but you know they're all going, "yes! they got cut! it wasn't me who got cut!"
wow. that Crystal Stark girl is so beautiful. i didn't enjoy her a capella bit that they showed, but she's very classy and graceful.
Katherine McPhee. she made it. please, quickly, get out of the room before you become annoying! alrighty, so she's most thrilled that she got to kiss all the judges on the lips. more thrilled about that than the making the top 24.
Ace Young. he looks like Kelly Clarkson. he made it.
Eugenia. she thinks she's peaked at 26. i sing much better now than i did 3 years ago, but maybe that's just me and all those other artists who get better with age. oh no, i just lumped myself in with the aged. i'm so old. anyway, she's gotten incredibly annoying.
Robert Bennett Jr. you know that likeability factor they said you have? you know how to keep it? stop actin' a fool, and just smile quietly. pretty please?
Mandisa. ok, i like Jesus girl. she's precious. and she got Simon to apologize for the fat comments. good for her. did y'all notice how she even said "bottom" and not "butt" when she walked out? good girl.
Lisa Tucker. oh good, i like her. and her mom doesn't seem obnoxious!
David Radford. he's humming Gob's magic act song! i love it! ok, i remember him now. i liked him in the very beginning when he crooned. when he made it past the group auditions i was shocked, because he does not do pop well. but hearing him croon again... i love crooners so much. i'm glad he moves on, even though i wasn't glad last week. i hope he wows us next week.
Brenna Gethers. wow, is she all breast? y'all were all noticing that, i'm just the one who said it. i bet i'm not gonna like her. not because of the breasts, but because she reminds me of snobby cheerleaders. and no, a cheerleader never stole my boyfriend. (or if it happened, i was too traumatized by it to remember.)
Gideon McKinney. he seems interesting, should be fun. he did seem confident, but not Brittenum "i am the Messiah" confident. ok confident.
Stephanie Scott. i like her high notes, but when she gets below about the A above middle C, she warbles way too much. but a lot of people like warblers, so she'll probably do well. wow, she really is praying mantis tall (i don't mean that as an insult).
Ayla Brown. she's got a great voice. another tall one.
lol, Chris Daughtry got stuck in the elevator. i'm sorry, that's mean. if that was me stuck in the elevator, i'd have been panicked. absolutely panicked. yay! he's in. very well-deserved. i forgot he's married.
Rebecca O'Donohue. just hearing her sing in the a capella part tells me she made it.
Heather Cox. have we even seen her?
William Bucky Covington. my goodness, why have they kept him a secret? thank goodness it's not a mullet, under the hat it looked like a mullet. i figured that's why the secret. anyway, the second i heard him singing i put him through to the final 12 guys. because see, i can do that in my little lovely and talented world of SarahK.
Patrick Hall. he's not as confident as he lets on. but that was funny. "i'm not as pretty as Ace, but who is?" that's so true, that Ace boy is Kelly Clarkson.
Kevin Covais. Simon, i'll be sooooo mad at you if you don't put him through. like send you tough love mail with a 39-cent stamp mad. YAY!! he deserves to be there with those pipes.
Paris Bennet. there's no God if she doesn't make it to the top 12. whew! if she didn't make it i was gonna have to find a new religion. thank goodness.
of course! House M.D. is doing really well, so it's time for the monkeys at Fox to destroy it. "for one week only" they have a special night. Monday night next week. and then suddenly we'll catch the series finale on a Friday night. monkeys. you're all fired.
the Brittenums. "our behavior has been absolutely flawless." yeah, ok, felons (allegedly). i really hope the judges wouldn't have made the mistake of letting them stay if they hadn't been, you know, alleged felons.
Taylor Hicks. HE PLAYS THE HARMONICA TOO! IS THERE ANYTHING WRONG WITH HIM?? i really heart him. Simon, how can you not like him?
Kinnik Sky & Megan Bobo. i really like Megan better just hearing the clips they played. that one note from Kinnik gave me an earache. but it's not always the best part that they show.
William Makar & Syd Harcourt. oh yeah! the Fred Savage lookalike! i'm sorry, but Syd looks too much like Vin Diesel. and Makar is through to the top 12 guys.
overall, i'll say good pickin' by the judges. but next week we all get to vote for Paris and Taylor and Chris.
i wanna hear about your suntan.
February 15, 2006
And on until morning
Apparently, a man in his seventies was struck by a Peter Pan Adventure pirate ship at Disneyworld and flown by helicopter to the hospital on Tuesday.
A 71-year-old man visiting Disney World with his wife and granddaughter fell off a moving walkway leading to a Peter Pan ride and was pinned under a pirate ship that carries passengers through the attraction, an official with emergency services said on Wednesday.
He was flown to the hospital yesterday, but emergency services didn't tell the media today?
Obviously, this is a failure of leadership and openness in Captain Hook's administration.
The public has the right to know, and Capitain Hook is failing the public. Instead of being the Happiest Place On Earth, we are discovering that Disneyworld is nothing more than a brutal, totalitarian police state run by a madman with blood on his hands.
Um... okay, fine - hand.
John Bolton's Peace Prize Nomination Papers
I was tickled pink to discover that hard-core, ass-kicking US ambassador to the UN, John Bolton, has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize for playing a major role in exposing Iran's secret plans to develop nuclear weapons. To bolster his chances of winning, they also included a list of his other notable achievements:
* Author of "China Shopping For Bulls - The John Bolton Guide to Diplomacy"
* During 6-party talks on North Korea's nuclear program, shook down the other 5 parties for their lunch money
* Bolton plans to use the money to finance a mission to nuke the moon, pending the outcome of a copyright infringement suit filed by Frank J.
* Once caused a pigeon to explode in mid-air, just by looking at it.
* Kicked Paul Bunyan's ass and founded the "Bolton's Babe-Burgers" franchise.
* Due to lactose intolerance, had all lactoses rounded up and imprisoned at Gitmo.
* Led Lyndie England around on a leash while mocking her genitalia.
* Prefers to kill people with his bare hands so that he can look into their eyes and watch their souls leave their bodies.
* Eats newly-release souls to fuel the growth of his moustache.
* Hates working for the UN, since few of the ambassadors actually have souls.
* 'STACHE HUNGERS!
* Successfully went in against a Sicilian when death was on the line.
* While not related to Michael Bolton, John does have a better singing voice.
* Of course, who doesn't?
* Once made a rock so big that he himself couldn't lift it.
* The flood waters did not recede from New Orleans quickly enough, so John Bolton drank them.
* On Halloween, witches frequently go out dressed up as John Bolton to frighten liberals.
* Plans to silence whiny California hippies by kicking the whole state right into the ocean.
* Went hunting with Dick Cheney, but used 'stache powers to deflect the birdshot.
* Favorite saying: "I like you. I'll kill you last. And by 'last', I mean 'first'."
* 'STACHE HUNGERS!
* When his term as UN Ambassador expires in 2007, plans to decapitate all the UN delegates he hasn't already killed so that he can at last be THE ONE and claim THE PRIZE.
* Used Kim Jong Il's poofy head as a loofah.
* Until Captain Kirk, the Klingons had no word for "surrender". After John Bolton, they will also have a word for "pants-wetting terror".
Of course, they neglected his most notable accomplishment - never having mistaken an elderly lawyer for a small bird.
Ask Dr. Duck: The Questions
The Doctor is IN!!
It's been a while since Dr. Duck has answered your questions. In this topsy turvy world it's easy to get overwhelmed: natural disasters- Islamic rage - hunting accidents.
Sometimes it can be a bit much.
Do YOU have a question you need to ask? Relationship advice? Career counsel? The perfect recipe? Can't find your sunglasses?
Ask Dr. Duck is now up and taking questions. Answers will be posted on Friday.
Disclaimer: Dr. Duck is not a real doctor. If you think I'm a real doctor, you've had your nervous system excited by too many Danish cartoons. No attempt should be made to help any of the IMAO advice seekers as they can sometimes bite. No sudden moves. No eye contact, please. Please do not feed the IMAO staff. Dr. Duck has extensive training (I took ESL in Junior College) and should be trusted unquestioningly with all of his answers. Should any of my advice resemble the advice of a professional - that would be frickin' hilarious! Scary - but hilarious.
A Couple Ideas
* Every few minutes, Cheney should call David Gregory with the latest updates (e.g. "Just adjusted my tie; wanted you to be the first to know.").
* The Muslims violenting protesting cartoons need to get themselves shot by Cheney; it seems that's the only way they'll get in the headlines again.
Carnival Of Comedy Reminder
Yesterday was Valentine's day. If you didn't know that already, the damage is probably already done. Sure you could claim to have been in some sort of catatonic state, but those are hard to fake. Too many questions. Why wasn't I notified? What do yoi mean I'm not on your 'notify in case of emergency card, yet your mother, drycleaner and Ex are? Why didn't the florist/barbershop quartet/jeweler deliver the flowers/candy/jewelry anyway? Unpleasant questions which require quick thinking and lets face it, many of us are not quick thinkers.
But the past is behind. So lets concentrate on the future. Namely tomorrow.
Tomorrow, February 16th, the- 42nd carnival of Comedy will be hosted by Sherlock at Bakerstreet. [warning, language]
Future Carnival Schedule:
Want to host? Email me at email@example.com with "Host Carnival Of Comedy" as the subject.
In My World: Everyone Loves Cheney
"Why won't you answer my questions?" David Gregory screeched.
"I have answered your questions," White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan grumbled.
"No you haven't! I think I know when questions have been answered!"
"David, I'm getting tired of your attitude," Scott said. "Could you find some other subject to freak out about? It's not like a hunting accident is a matter of national security."
"I'm not freaking out!" Gregory yelled. "And you're fat!"
Scott rolled his eyes. "Okay, I'm going to move onto the next person with questions..."
"Fatty fatty fat fat!"
"You take that back!" Scott screamed as he jumped on Gregory and started punching him. The other reporters soon crowded around and started chanting, "Fight! Fight!"
Bush, done watching the scene, started flipping through the channels. "Hey, Rover!" he called out. "When does ice-boxing come on in the Olympics?"
The hooded figure of Karl Rove emerged from the shadows. "There is no such thing as ice-boxing."
"Why not? It would be fun! People would be sliding around on ice and punching each other; there's no sport more pure than that."
Rove raised he hand and the TV turned off. "We must talk about Cheney."
There was the sound of a shotgun blast, and a portion of the wall was blown away. Through it, they could see Dick Cheney. "I thought I saw a quail," he said.
"Was it a picture of Dan Quayle?" Bush asked.
Cheney punched his way into the room. "I don't remember."
"You have an image problem," Rove intoned.
"Is it anything that can be solved by telling the press to go @#$% themselves?" Cheney asked.
"I don't think that's going to work, Dick," Bush said, "People need to hear you feel remorse like a normal human. Don't you feel bad you shot your friend in the face?"
"Yes, I do," Cheney answered. "I would have had that quail if it weren't for his stupid face getting in the way!"
"But he had a heart attack; aren't you worried about him?"
Cheney laughed. "I've had plenty of heart attacks, and that one was hardly worth mentioning. If Harry plays it up, I'll shoot him in the face with a shotgun again."
Bush shook his head. "Cheney, you have to act nicer."
"Why? Rumsfeld burns down orphanages for fun and has contests on the White House lawn for how far he can kick puppies and you don't complain!"
"Well, we expect that from the Secretary of Defense," Bush replied, "but, if I got my head stuck in the banister again, you have to take over as President. That means people need to like you."
"You must improve your image," Rove uttered, "or all could be doomed. So says the Book of Punditry." Rove then disappeared into the shadows.
Cheney looked to Bush. "I'd tell Rove to go @#$% himself, but I'm afraid he'd eat my soul."
Bush nodded. "I fear that everyday."
* * * *
"I am holding this press conference," Cheney announced, "to say that I feel very sorry for what happened to my friend, Harry Whittington. I so wish this had never happened, and I am losing sleep about this every day." Cheney then held up a tiny cat. "And, look, I'm holding a kitten." Cheney, with much effort, then smiled.
"Are you planning to snap the kitten's neck for fun after this press conference is over?" asked a reporter.
"What I do on my own time is my business!" Cheney screamed. "Go @#$% yourself!"
Bush then nudged Cheney in the side.
"Uh... I mean that I plan to take the kitten home, name him mittens, and then watch him play with a ball of yarn."
"Aww, Cheney is much sweeter than we thought," said one female reporter.
A little kid then walked up to Cheney. "Will you give me a hug, Unkie Cheney?"
* * * *
"So I knocked a kid unconscious by throwing a kitten at his head," Cheney grumbled. "He smelled."
Bush laughed. "I guess that's just our gruff VP." Bush then turned to Condi and whispered, "I keep hearing rumors that I'm planning on forcing Cheney to resign and replace him with you. Do you know if there is any truth to those rumors?"
Condi smacked Bush upside his head.
"Ow," Bush moaned as he rubbed the back of his head, "I always thought people would hit me less as soon as I was President, but the opposite was true. Anyway, I have the pardon for Scott for assaulting that stupid reporter. Anyone want to go fetch him from prison?" Bush looked around the room, but no one moved. "Fine, let's watch the Olympics. I think the biathlon is on." Bush looked to Cheney. "You lose points in that for shooting someone else in the face."
Bush chuckled. "That the Winter Olympics, alright."
I Have the Greatest Sweetie
SarahK hates it when I play videogames (I've tried to find a few games we can play together with limited success), but guess what I got as a Valentine's Day present? F.E.A.R. for the PC, a FPS that is supposed to be kick ass. That's love right there.
I got another present for Valentine's Day, but I won't go into it since kids may be reading.
Do You Love IMAO?
Of course; we all do.
Remember, people in the know read IMAO. And you won't find out about us just anywhere, though. We're still too underground for Wikipedia. So maybe Wikipedia doesn't want you to know about IMAO, but smart people know that reading us is a must.
Are you smart?
Is it less horrific if you think of it as a fourth trimester abortion, liberals?
Two weeks after Britney Spears caught heat for riding with her baby in her lap and trying to defend her stupid actions, leave it to Houston to demonstrate why babies shouldn't ride in the driver's lap:
A 1-month-old infant riding in its mother's arms was killed after being ejected from a car that overturned in an accident on Tuesday, police said.
Welcome To Houston: Seat Belts? Pfeh!
BY THE WAY
Every week on Shire Network News I turn in the "Full Of Crap Report" where I mock some celebrity or politician or entire country for being... well... full of crap.
Last week was Britney Spears for her idiotic responses to getting caught driving with her baby in her lap. Some considered me a coward for not addressing the Mohammed Cartoons and discussion how I handled the death threats against me.
With this child's death and the serious injuries to two others to the point where newspaper reporters couldn't figure out their genders, I stand vindicated. Or, when I'm sitting, I sit vindicated.
I Have a Confession: I Watched Olympic Curling
Not only did I watch curling, I was entertained by it.
Actually, I was enthralled by it.
And, when the Americans knocked three of Norway's stones out of play with one throw, I stood up and cheered... even though I wasn't quite sure what happened other than that it was impressive (Norway is the defending Olympic champion).
In the eighth end, we had six - SIX - stones in scoring position and Norway just gave up. They were totally pwned.
I was watching this off Tivo, though (Sarah has been Tivoing all the Olympics she can find; I told her no HD so it doesn't knock off all our other shows), so, for all I know, the fate of the Team USA curling has already been decided, but, if not, I'm totally there for the championship. Curling is like a game of chess played by sliding stones across ice (and sweeping in front of them - though I still haven't figured out what that does other than it can get pretty intense). It takes the skill of pool in making deflection shots combined with intense strategy (if you think a game this slow moving doesn't need time outs, you're wrong). Sure, it seems like glorified shuffleboard at times, but I'm just glad it wasn't me out there making the decisions and trying to make those perfectly aligned shots (I think I could do the sweeping, though).
For some reason, the Nike swooshes on the collars and backs of the USA team's shirts were blotted out. Was there some sort of falling out between Nike and the Olympic curling team? What could this mean for Nike's future?!
NOTE TO BROADCASTERS: When there is no one in the stands other than the family of the players, you might want to avoid the long shots of the game.
February 14, 2006
American Idol group week
i hate group week. you always have 3 people working together, and one of them decides he either doesn't want to deal with the others, or he's too good to be in the group with the others, or he's just really so much better than the others.
what. a beating.
oh yeah. so the Brittenums are split up. which means that both of them will pontificate over how the others are just not cutting it. i hope neither one of them makes it. they really should never speak. ever.
Brenna. sweetheart, i can't blame you, because before i went to college, i actually thought that coal metamorphosed into diamonds too, but now i know that they're only formed igneously. but anyway... your stupid analogy of diamonds to coal? not scientifically accurate.
and yes, i'm a nerd. but that doesn't make you less informed.
oh how cute! the twins are getting snippy with each other! i wonder if that's what convinces them that grand theft is the way to make it big.
i think the best thing for any competitor is to be in Paris Bennet's group. because that girl has it. she. is. the. bomb. really, though, Paris is the star. i pick her to win.
then one of the the twins. his group. Elliot Yamin, i think he should stay. Jose Penala didn't bother to learn the lyrics, so i'm fine with kicking him out. Terrell Brittenum is just too annoying. dude, the cameras have been on you, so the judges know what's going on. i actually agree with Randy for once. Elliot is the only one i think should go forward. what the heck? Elliot should have been the only one to go forward, and Anthony something or other is the only one to go. bad bad bad judges.
i cannot WAIT for Terrell Brittenum to go home. what an arrogant pinkytoe.
oh how i love the standards. i want the whole standards group to move forward. you can't kick any of these guys out if you keep a Brittenum. yayyyyyyy!!!!!
Derrell Brittenum's group. i soooooo hate that i'm calling it that, but that's all they're showing. oh, good. we get a moment... is he really talking about his disappointment after making it through? i think that's funny that he made that whole speech because he thought his brother got cut, and then it turns out that he said he was leaving when his brother actually didn't get cut.
oh please make the torture stop, and send them both home. i can't take the circus anymore.
that girl group sounded good.
oh, please, people. LEARN THE LYRICS!! YOU HAVE A WHOLE NIGHT TO DO ONE THING!! LEARN THE STINKING LYRICS!!
y'all are the biggest idiots. BIGGEST IDIOTS. THIS IS YOUR SHOT!!!
the Tyra girl. she's done killed my last nerve. she's really really lucky that her 1st group let her back in.
oh good! Derrell and Terrell are back to beg for forgiveness?? it's so funny, but it's almost sad. yay!! Simon is fed up with their hissy attitude!! me too!! send his brother home at the same time!! please please make them both go away!! you wanna win them over?? promise you and your brother will SHUT THE HECK UP!!
Tyra Schwartz's group. i like all of them, especially Tyra. i hate to say it, because she's a bit annoying, but i really like her voice. i'm glad they all went forward.
Marcy Smith has a good voice. so does Nick Whitten. the other girl... not so much, but they could all 3 go forward... and then they start talking. SEND NICK THROUGH! ok, fine, they all go through. whatever.
ahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Broke Note Mountain. ROFL!! i love this SHOW!! y'all don't make fun of my Garet! i need to bake him pies! and all of his teammates! MOLTEN CHOCOLATE CAKES FOR EVERYONE!!
oh sweet mother of Paul. the Brittenums are back to apologize. DON'T ACCEPT! DON'T ACCEPT! blast it. they're staying. DON'T YOU KNOW THAT NO ONE LIKES THEM...
I LOVE THE BLACK GUY GOING WITH THE FLOW AND SINGING IN THE COWBOY HAT! oh, Garet, you're killing me. LEARN THE WORDS! i'm really sad that none of Garet's group went on. and i'm so AWED by them that they didn't blame him for them not getting through! they want to bake him pies too! wow, i'm so impressed with the other two in Garet's group. really, i liked Garet, but i know he wouldn't have made the top 24. but the other guys stuck with him, and if they had been Brittenums, they would have trashed him and blamed him afterward. that makes me love them ALL. so the other two guys... CONGRATULATIONS ON BEING GOOD PEOPLE AND NOT BEING PINKYTOES. Y'ALL ROCK. you too, Garet. BRAVO. best group yet. my hat is off to all three of you. you know, i remember not liking that Tim McGraw feller. i've changed my mind.
please please please keep Taylor Hicks in. please...
Paris, Taylor, and that rock guy. those are the only ones i really really want to keep.
i really liked Tyra's voice, but she's going home. probably because she's not the most congenial...
YAY! ROCKER GUY MADE IT! that's really all i care about in that room.
insert expletive here, the twins are staying. but yay! so is Paris, and so is Taylor!
* sigh * that dumb Pickler girl is in. but so is that rocker fella. what IS his name.
Frank says (re: the Brittenum dumbpinkytoes) "well, better that both of them are in, or..."
Sarah says, "yeah, that.... well, we'll have to listen to them anyway."
GO HOME BRITTENUMS!! i wanna hear about your suntan.
ok, i'm done for the night. it's Valentine's Day, and i have something new, slinky and black. i'm gonna go sex up my husband.
McClellan and Gregory the Rematch
The White House doesn't label who asks the questions in the transcripts, but I think this was the follow up between Scott McClellan and David Gregory today (I heard the final part of it on Rush) after Gregory's freak-out yesterday (empahsis near the end is mine):
Q Does the President have a view about how the Vice President has conducted himself?
I heard a rumor that during this press briefing, Scott McClellan already knew about the heart attack and didn't tell Gregory. Uh-oh!
It's a small world after al- *BLAM* *BLAM*
From a response to Michelle Malkin's post on Harry Whittington's hospital scare and moratorium on Herry Whittington jokes:
A World of Harry Whittingtons would be a fine place indeed.
For God's sake, don't give Disney any bright ideas. The last thing I want to do is float in a fake log through an endless series of vice presidents blowing away lawyer-puppets with shotguns all around the world.
TOP TEN FAILED DISNEYWORLD ATTRACTIONS
10. Hall Of Secretaries Of The Interior
It's All Fun and Games Until Someone Has a Heart Attack
Just when you thought there was nothing funnier than getting shot in the face, this happens. I assume that, with a 28-gauge, the shot is so small that it can be moved through the bloodstream. I guess some prayers are in order, as, in all accounts (well, the few that focus on anything other than Cheney), Whittington is a good man. I hope there are no more complications in his recovery.
Best of the Web yesterday ("Sorry About That, Harry") was the only place I found any real information on Harry Whittington. Check it out.
IMAO Demands MORE Global Warming!!
If you're like me, you're probably getting fed up with religious extremists. That's why I took great joy in hearing that Hollywood bought the rights to Al Gores new documentary “An Inconvenient Truth.” For those of you who don’t know, Al Gore was involved in a movie about global warming. I haven’t seen it but assume it involves the liberal basics: American blame, corporate greed, and a gay love story.
Of course, "that glorious day" refers to the final day of the Bush Administration. After that, they tell us, we can start to address the issues of global warming.
A few hours before the flood, the IMAO crew was in New Orleans. We were taking a tour, while Lair was off by the levees muttering something about a Zionist conspiracy. I don't know, I wasn't paying attention. As the flood waters came, and we tried to get out, I remember telling rescue workers to ignore all those people stranded on rooftops and not to save them. Yet, those "religious wackos" were so focused on saving "precious life" that they wouldn't let the Darwinian evolutionary process take place.
When will this fascism end?
We hope you join our cause.
Another Great Represenative of Islam
My post on how to draw Mohammed seemed to gain the ire of a Muslim... or at least I think so. The comment is kinda hard to understand, but you can see for yourself:
(CAUTION: Contains coarse language and poor grammar and spelling)
Oi how about u all go fuk u muthers and bogen slut sisters and get a life instead of talking about the prophet mutherfukin geeks and if ur man enough come face to face cock sucking muther fuking hoes
Uh... sorry... I guess?
Say it ain't so . . .
Senator Harry Reid is eyeball deep in the Abrahamof scandal, after months of criticizing Republicans for alleged ties to Abrahamof's lobbying firm? That would make Reid a lying, hypocritical, opportunist, scumbag. Can't be.
Doh! Sorry, I spoke too soon . . .
There's More to This Shooting Than First Known...
It all comes together now. Cheney and Whittington were both hunting without the seven dollar stamp now required due to newly instated laws. Whittington eventually felt so guilty that he was going to turn himself and Cheney into the authorities. Cheney then shot Whittington in the face to prevent that.
It didn't work, though, and now both Cheney and Whittington have received warnings and Cheney has had to pay the seven dollars. Crime - specifically shooting people in the face - doesn't pay, kids.
Remember to keep reading IMAO: your number one news source about Dick Cheney shooting people.
In My World: Quailgate
"As we all know now," White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan said, "Cheney was involved in a hunting accident and..."
"Why are we being told of this now?" screamed one reporter. "This happened twenty-four hours ago! Why weren't we the first to know?"
"It was decided that..."
"How could we be scooped by some local rag called the Corpus Christi Caller-Times?" shouted another reporter. "We're the White House Press Corp! We're supposed to know everything first!"
"I think you all are over reacting to..."
"Now I find out that even some podunk hospital - a hospital - knew about this before me... ME! David Gregory!" David Gregory screeched. "I want the Vice President impeached for this!"
"Let's all just take a breath and... Eep!"
Scott ducked behind his podium as the press charged him. He could feel the podium trying to be ripped away as one reporter yelled, "Press mad! Press smash!"
Then some loud footsteps were heard. Off to the side stood Dick Cheney who took a swig of a whiskey bottle before tossing it away. He then gripped his pump-action shotgun with both hands and fired into the press, knocking them down.
"I just shot the press, press," Cheney told the press, "and you're the first to know." He chambered another round. "Any questions?"
February 13, 2006
24 Day 5 - 2 p.m.
so Jack & Curtis have gotten a break and know where to meet the super bad terrorist guy.
they've moved Walt's body. what?? Walt was married?? what woman would marry him?? yep, let Walt go out with some dignity, him being a rotten traitor and all. that suicide sure is dignified.
Evelyn still hasn't told the first lady that she was the one who told Walt where to find the info on the first lady's body. btw, boss lady, i kinda thought you were crazy, so i gave him all the info he needed to attack you. my bad. i think Evelyn's gonna be trouble. she doesn't believe Walt could do that and she thinks the first lady is a bit wacko. so she's gonna get all nutso and stupid and ruin stuff.
yay. we get to see Audrey look worried while Jack's doing an undercover op, trying to convince them he's one of them and scared of them.
i'm so shocked! they punched Jack and "made" him go with them!
look at Audrey acting like her love for Jack should be a determining factor of when the tac teams move in. how whiny of her.
i loved the look on Logan's face when Martha told him she's going to tell Walt's wife the truth because it's the right thing to do. betcha the President either offs her, locks her up, or commits her.
btw, i'm very disappointed in Mike Novick. truth is good. lying is bad. didn't he ever go to Sunday school? the guy's Italian, so probably Catholic. don't they teach lying is bad? (yes, i'm such a horrible person to stereotype Italians.)
the President deserves a divorce. i get angry just looking at him. i want to divorce him myself.
remember last week when i said that Kim and all of Jack's ladyloves and such will be at the mall? watch, i'm gonna be right.
do the terrorists know you're not allowed to knock out Jack Bauer? it's like a federal crime punishable by time in a prison no one knows about. plus, he'll kill you for it. i think the CTU peeps should start yelling in Jack's earpiece to wake him up.
i hope i don't start liking Audrey. i'm starting to not like Bill, and i know i don't like Lynn. i liked him until he screwed up an op to go meet his druggie sister, but now i'm done with him.
ok, so i was wrong about Jack's hordes of women being there. but i don't think i'm wrong about Lynn being a mole.
speaking of next week... that guy who talked to Walt in the first few episodes (pacing with the earpiece) is gonna help CTU apparently. and the President is sanctioning someone's murder.
and next week, there'd better be more Chloe! i get sad when she just runs tech and doesn't insult people and tell them to shut up.
eh, nothing really quoteworthy... this episode was a'ight. had some action, but no big twists, nothing too unpredictable. which means next week will probably be stellar.
Frank wants me to tell y'all that he thought this ep was kinda blah.
Homeland Security Instructional Video: You Hear a Bump in the Night
This instructional video (by Eric Anderson) has been fixed so you can now watch it and everything. Go now!
Once again, it is based on my explanation of the Homeland Security Advisory System.
Top Ten List: Be Wewy, wewy, quiet...
Poor Vice President Cheney. I can understand all of his pent up frustration. I strongly recommend that we invade another country immediately – otherwise, Dick’s going to start running out of friends.
As you know, on Saturday, the Vice President was out hunting with a small group. One of the party members, Harry Whittington, a lawyer from Texas, was accidentally shot by the VP.
Fortunately, because of his heart condition, the VP travels with a doctor, a nurse, and an ambulance. This was good news for Mr. Whittington. I remember that Bill Clinton used to travel with his own necessary supplies: a Barry White CD, a bottle of wine, and a French Maid Outfit.
With all of the press coverage – we have to ask ourselves – What Exactly Did Mr. Cheney Say when he realized he shot somebody in his hunting party.
The Top Ten Things Dick Cheney Said After the Shooting
10. Are you SURE it’s not lawyer season?
9. Ha – that’ll teach you to stop chasing my ambulance.
8. I nicked him. Do I still get a prize?
7. Okay, guys. Hold him down and check him for WMDs.
6. Walk it off, you wimp.
5. One more try – this time I’ll give you a head start.
4. Didn’t you to say you wanted to be an embedded lawyer?
3. It’s an emergency! We better call FEMA.
2. Sure I missed him. But look at my shot grouping.
And the number one thing Dick Cheney said when he accidentally shot somebody while hunting…
1. Hey, if he dies – do I get to become president?
Some things happen that are just too much fun. This is one of them.
I wish Mr. Whittington a speedy a recovery.
After one of Iran's state-run newspapers started a contest for cartoons denying or mocking the Holocaust as a retort to European free speech laws, a German newspaper decided to engage in a little free-speech reply to Iran:
The Iranian embassy in Germany has demanded a written apology from a Berlin newspaper that printed a cartoon of Iranian soccer players dressed as suicide bombers and threatened legal action if none is forthcoming.
That's just horrible... don't they know that the explosives go under the warmup jackets?
In case you aren't following the World Cup as closely as I am, Iran is in Group D, which eventually pits it against the Mexican national team.
If Iranian players make a wall in front of a Mexican direct kick, will the Mexicans dig a tunnel under it to smuggle the ball to the goal?
Questions regarding the Mohammed cartoons rage...
What if someone were to produce a Connect-The-Dots that had resulted in a picture of Mohammed? Who would be to blame for the depiction of Mohammed: the person who made the Connect-The-Dots or the consumer who picked up a pencil and connected them?
What if someone were to produce one of those "Magic Eye" pictures that you have to relax and unfocus your eyes to see the picture, and the picture turns out to be Mohammed? Who would be to blame for the depiction of Mohammed: the person who made the Connect-The Dots or the viewer who relaxed their eyes to see it?
What if someone were to produce a picture of Mohammed that is only visible through the method of Anamorphosis requiring a point of view that is impossible to use, depicting something completely different when viewed head-on? Would the artist or the person attempting to reach that impossible perspective to see the picture be to blame?
What if IBM were to arrange atoms in a pattern to depict Mohammed?
What if an image of Mohammed were created, stored in some form of digital medium, and then the original image destroyed? If the digital storage were never accessed again, would the image still be considered a depiction?
What if someone were to produce a picture of Mohammed using lemon juice on paper that only appears when exposed to a flame's heat? Would the artist or the person holding the match be to blame for the depiction of Mohammed?
Jesus and the Virgin Mary are always showing up on grilled cheese sandwiches, inkstains, concrete stains, wax blobs, and other objects. If Mohammed appears on those various objects, do they have to be destroyed before GoldenPalace.com buys them?
A Look Into Their "Reality-Based" World
The moonbats seem to hold a number of things as unquestioned faith to keep their world view. One of the odder beliefs is that anyone who doesn't think Bush is the second coming of Hitler must worship him unquestionably. Maybe it's projections, because, back during the Clinton presidency there were those who would never let even the slightest criticism against him stand. But, with Bush, conservatives (especially on blogs) have been critical of Bush since day one, and such criticism continues constantly. Other than those paid political consultants, I don't know of any pundits who hasn't disagreed with Bush on certain issues. Funny, the only people who ever seem to have met these "BushBots" who worship the ground Bush walks on our lefty moonbats. I guess the BushBots, like about everything else involved with their ideology, are just products of their own imaginations.
Homeland Security Instructional Video: You Hear a Strange Noise
A while ago, I was sent a video illustration of part of my famous explanation of the Homeland Security Advisory System. Problem is, I can't find the old post where I linked to it and I forget who did it (it's in my e-mails at home somewhere).
Anyway, I'll add that information in later since I've been sitting on this for too long. Here's an instructional video on how to react to a strange noise in the house based on the Homeland Security's current alert level.
UPDATE: It's made by Eric Anderson and the video link now actually works.
It's Time to Face Facts: The War Against Bush Is Unwinnable
An Editorial by Frank J.
The Democrats and progressives have been waging a war on Bush for years now. It started out for admirable reasons - getting Bush out of power using any means possible - but now it has become obvious that this can no longer be accomplished. Instead, the only ones losing power are Democrats. This war has to end.
"We thought the American people would welcome us as liberators."
How many Democrats have lost office in this fight against Bush? While people seem to care about the death counts in Iraq, no one takes note as the number of Democrats who have lost office increases. Not only that, but there is the Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder from losing against Bush. It is obvious that Al Gore will never be able to live a normal life again and will require constant supervision for the rest of his days. Just check the internet for more instances of people having lost their minds trying to fight against the ethereal foe that is the Bush Presidency. And, to what end is this?
Some will still argue that progress is being made, pointing to Bush's low approval ratings. "Sure," they say, "we weren't able to get rid of him in 2004, but soon enough people will turn against him to impeach him!" This is pure idealism that ignores the attitudes of those we are trying to free from the tyranny of Bush. We thought the American people would welcome us as liberators when we kept up our full out attacks on Bush, but they are obviously more concerned with terrorists than Bush and have turned against us Bush-attackers. It's sad, but it is true.
So, do we give up and let Bush win? I'm afraid to say he already has won. Perhaps one day we could make people fear Bush more than terrorists, but, if we keep up in this way, there will be no Democrats left in office by the time that happens. We have to admit to ourselves that we attacked Bush without any real strategy for victory, and now it is time to pullout of this conflict. Instead, we must try and get Democrats back in power by focusing on our core issues: piddling-crap things such as healthcare and other free-handouts.
The war against Bush is just not worth another Democratic politician.
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is a frequent contributor to IMAOPodcast.com. He is also the author of such books as "The Population Bomb: A Brief History of the Palestinians" and "Insane or Stupid? A Guide to Judging Moonbats".
The Hunting Song, revisited
Remember Tom Lehrer's Hunting Song?
Well, let's have some fun with it, shall we?
I hope he doesn't hurt us,
He just wanted to go have fun,
The coverage was vicious,
People ask him why he shot him
Sweet Dreams Are Made of These...
For those who caught the Winter Olympics opening ceremony on Friday, why were the stadium speakers stuck on a bad 80's hits station when the countries were marching in? I'm sorry, but "Video Killed the Radio Star" and "YMCA" do not get me pumped for athletic competition.
Then again, neither does skiing or skating.
It's the IMAO Podcast... Yee-haw!
The newest Podcast is finally up! Look at all the exciting stuff that's in the podcast this week!
and much much more! Hooray! So go download it now, and comment on it here!
The Agony Of Zorro
Okay, so my wife wanted a few things for Valentine's Day, one of which was the sequel to the Zorro movie on DVD. I hit Best Buy last week with a bunch of Reward Zone coupons and the content feeling that I was getting my shopping done early.
Then it was time to wrap everything... and I check the back of the movie... it's the same plot as the first movie?
Wait... I have The Mask Of Zorro, not The Legend Of Zorro.
Just try to guess who is hitting Best Buy again tonight.
I am such a moron.
Hunting the Deadliest Prey of All: Man!
As you all probably know by now (I found out from IMAO, myself) that Cheney shot some guy hunting. Apparently, the guy was in the line of sight between Cheney and his target, but, since Cheney was shooting at quail in the air, I'm not exactly sure how that happened.
You know the moonbats are going to freak out over this.
"Bush and his cronies can now shoot people with impunity!"
"Now we all know what we always suspected: Cheney releases dissidents to run in a field and then hunts them!"
What Cheney was using, though, was a 28-gauge shotgun. I don't know very much about shotguns, but I have a 12-guage for home defense and, the larger the gauge, the weaker the shotgun. Do people get hit with pellets from 28-gauge shotguns all the time?
"Ow! Dude, you totally shot me... and almost broke skin!"
The Brady Bunch have already made comments:
"Now I understand why Dick Cheney keeps asking me to go hunting with him," said Jim Brady. "I had a friend once who accidentally shot pellets into his dog - and I thought he was an idiot."
That reminds me: Michael Z. Williamson sent me this, but I forgot to post it when it was more relevant:
6 Feb, 1942.
February 12, 2006
You make the call!
IMAO, Pan Am, and the No Tell Motel in Armstrong, Texas have teamed together to offer an all-expense paid trip to southern Texas, with first class accomodations, for a person of your choice to go quail hunting with Vice President Dick Cheney.
UPDATE: And . . . what's good for the goose, is good for the gander . . .
We've also teamed up with Jose Cuervo to send one lucky RINO on an all expense trip to Edgarton, Massachusetts for happy hour with Ted Kennedy, followed by a personal tour of Chappaquiddick Island and Dike Bridge.
Cheney needs better aim
Don't think of it as Dick Cheney shooting a friend in a hunting accident.
Harry Whittington, 78, was "alert and doing fine" after Cheney sprayed Whittington with shotgun pellets on Saturday at the Armstrong Ranch in south Texas, said property owner Katharine Armstrong.
Think of it instead as Dick Cheney only winging a laywer.
Congratulations to Palestinian Winter Olympic athletes Muhammed Ali Babba and Unidentified Female Consort # 7 for ranking third in pairs skating after the short program. It is currently undecided whether the Palestinian Olympic Committee will have Female Consort # 7 ritually stoned to death prior to or after the long program for showing her ankles. Nonetheless, go Palestine, and death to the Great Satan!
February 11, 2006
Winter? In Houston? Yeah, right.
The temperature in Houston will dip below freezing overnight
My wife has already wrapped me with Christmas lights, plastic sheeting, and thick blankets to prevent me from freezing solid and shattering. The cats are next.
I'll report back in the morning should I survive this ecological disaster.
February 10, 2006
Instapundit Issues Fatwa
After this controversial picture of a young girl holding a stuffed puppy appeared on the CENTCOM web site, the leader of the Instapundslam religion, Imam Glenn al-Reynolds, issued a fatwa condeming the image:
"The central tenet of Instapundslam is that puppies should be blended to make potent energy drinks for the blogging faithful. It is blasphemy of the highest order to depict them in any form that is either adorable or unblended. This cuddly manifestation of our sacred power source is an affront to our beliefs. We demand an apology and the immediate pureeing of this unholy fluff-filled icon. Hmmm. Heh. Jihad. Indeed."
The heart-warming image of the loveable tot and her cherished toy has provoked uncontrolled rioting and robot-dancing world-wide by outraged Instapundslamists.
Blogger Michelle Malkin denounced the fatwa as "the fevered rantings of a power-hungry, Satan-worshipping, hobo-murdering madman", and encouraged bloggers everywhere to protest al-Reynolds' pronouncement by posting pictures of themselves snuggling with stuffed animals and sending a trackback to her site.
"Honestly," said Malkin, taking a bite of a brownie made from minced kittens, "what kind of wacky religion would drink blended puppies?"
So What Happened To The Carnival OF Comedy This Week??
I know some of you may be wondering what happened to the Carnival of Comedy this week.
But if you are, you aren't saying much about it.
Reasons for no carnival this week:
Sooo Entries for this week will rollover (just like your cell phone minutes!) and will be in next week's carnival of comedy which has a host..
Yay! For those of you who don't like the carnival that's TWO posts about it you didn't have to scroll past. And one which had good (to you) news about it.
In recap, I am sorry for there being no carnival this week.
We now return you to the regularly scheduled IMAO wingnuttery.
Update:: Unsuspecting schmuck, er, DUCK found to host.
Who Would Jesus Abort?
Okay, what's a progressive Christian? Someone who says, "Well, Jesus did have some useful view being that He's the Son of God, but it's time to move on to a more complex way of looking at morality than His constrained teachings."
And no one is twisted more in knots than a Christian trying to argue that abortion is a moral choice. Either, with no Biblical backing (actually, against Biblical teaching) the person has to argue that a person doesn't get a soul until birth (I once heard someone Jewish argue that "ensoulment" doesn't occur until the ears have passed into this world), or that it's okay to kill innocent people with a soul. I assume most pro-abortion Christians approach the issue by just not thinking about it, though.
And can you imagine Jesus telling someone he was better off not being born?
I've been hearing on the news that BUSH KNEW ABOUT THE LEVEES! This supports the theory that Bush plotted to blow up the levees since ONE MUST KNOW ABOUT SOMETHING TO PLOT TO DESTROY IT! Be wary if you are near any other structure Bush know about because HE MAY PLOT TO DESTROY THAT TOO! More information AS IT DEVELOPS!
BTW, my Caps Lock KEEPS BLINKING ON AND OFF! Also, the MY PERIOD BUTTON ISN'T WORKING, so I'm forced to end every sentence in AN EXCLAMATION POINT!
Potential Presidents: Condoleezza Rice
Polls show now that many Republicans are well positioned for 2008, and, as we all know, polls over two years before an election are a great indicator of how those elections will turn out.
Still, I think it should be the job of IMAO and its bloggers to get as much information as possible on who may run. Today, I'm going to take a brief look at Condoleezza Rice who keeps saying she won't run.
One problem with Condi is that, apparently, no one listens to her, as everyone keeps talking about her as a Presidential candidate. Her advantages are that she has experience at a national level and doesn't have any voting record to criticize. Also, she is able to use her mind to move small objects.
There would be a lot of controversy if she runs for President, though. For one thing, she is a race of some sort. Is America really ready to elect someone who belongs to a race? Also, she's a woman. Is America ready to elect a woman when, throughout history, it has been known that women are useless at everything?
And, what about her past? She once killed a man in self-defense, but some have said that killing was suspect since the man was found tied to a chair with three bullets in the back of his head. Is that something the Democrats will try to make an issue of?
And what about the anger issue? As we all know, women are moody. Also, Condi is known to totally freak-out if anyone forgets the second 'z' when spelling her first name. She once tossed a kindergartener across a classroom for that offense.
Still, Condoleezza Rice could make an interesting candidate. I'll have more information as I get it; just remember to stay tuned to IMAO, your 2008 Presidential Campaign headquarters.
While She's Distracted by the Figure Skating, I'll See If I Can Strangle Myself with My Cat's Tail
I just found out I'm supposed to watch the Winter Olympics with SarahK! That was never metnioned before I married her, man! That was not part of the deal! THAT WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL!
Apparently, there's a phenomenon called podfading going around:
The phenomenon has earned its own label, "podfading," coined by podcaster Scott Fletcher in February 2005 when he gave up on two podcasts of his own.
Thank goodness we don't have that problem. Right, guys?
No Senator Sheehan
Aww, schucks. Cindy ain't running for Senate.
Look at this quote, though:
"I, as an American and as the mother of a hero, pledge to do what I can as a citizen to end the occupation of Iraq."
Hero? I thought your son killed "freedom fighters" in an "illegal war." If she already has the waffling down, why not go for broke and be a Senator?
Since it's Friday, I thought I'd spread the joy of humor-free, apolitical Friday Catblogging to IMAO (aka "I-MEOW").
Today, it's Nardo the Stripey:
If you're not sure how this absurd scene pertains to IMAO, since IMAO is famous for that "political humor" thing, it doesn't. If you must have some semblance of politics or humor in everything you read here, just assume that Nardo is... um...
Help me out here. Make your suggestions in the comments how this scene is, in fact, a political allegory.
Speared with the truth
Britney Spears was for driving with a baby in her lap before she was against it.
Thank goodness she's finally realizing her mistake. You know, before word gets out that she's a freaking moron, a lousy reckless mother, an egomaniacal celebrity bitch, and so on and so forth.
As a public service, here are the top ten places your baby shouldn't be while you're driving:
10. The trunk
February 09, 2006
Krispy Kreme riots?
I got back from the Doctor's office at 13:40, fell asleep.
I woke up to this news:
Krispy Kreme stores in Houston will turn off the lights next month.
Excuse me a moment...
Riot! Burn the embassies! Attack the army bases! Storm th-
The six area Lone Star Doughnut stores will cease to operate as Krispy Kreme on March 8.
Um... er... never mind.
American Idol hell week
well, Frank wants me to start cross-posting these here now that we're to this stage of the competition. so here are my thoughts on last night's show...
Kelly Pickler. already on my nerves. i'm sorry, i'm sure she's real sweet, but i think her dumb girl act is waaaaaay over the top. and if she's really as dumb as she lets on, we can't make her the next American Idol, because we'll start seeing tabloid pictures of her driving with her baby in her lap. btw, she was flat on almost every high note in "Hopelessly Devoted to You".
hey, good! that married guy who dirty danced with Paula like he couldn't wait to get her into bed is going home already! i'm glad.
Lisa Tucker is only 16? man, she's beautiful. very powerful vocal chords. weird, she's awesome on the higher notes and a little flat on a few of the lower notes. actually, i guess that's not weird, because i struggle with low notes too.
Matthew Buckstein. how did he make it to Hollywood? what??? moving on??? his "Hopelessly Devoted" was soooo painful to listen to. he's trying to be Tim McGraw, but his voice is incredibly forced. i'd love to hear his natural voice, but this is not it. bleh.
i'll repeat what i said during the Super Bowl. the Burger King Whopperettes commercial is one of the worst commercials i've seen in my entire life.
Paris Bennet. wow, she just has everything. she's an absolute star.
Taylor Hicks. they're gonna have to do something about that hair. i'm not saying color it, but cut it. but man, i love the way he sings.
Garet the cowboy. he's like the Kelly Pickler from Wisconsin, but he seems completely genuine. i know he's going home, but he's so sweet i just don't want him to.
Megan Zeiger. you know what's awful is i know she can sing. i can tell. i mean look at her! she knows how bad it is and she knows it's not what she can do. and she should stop talking before people stop liking her. especially since she's been crying all day and is up there talking about how she's smiling and having a good time. but she knew when to stop anyway.
how cute! look at all the sick people! and the pianist-blamers! send them all home. especially the ones blaming the piano. you have to be able to adapt.
so next are Terrell and Derrell Brittenum. Derrell - eh, didn't we have Nikko Smith last year singing the same songs with the same voice? no offense. Terrell - he actually has something different about his voice, it's interesting. but i can't tell if it's phlegm or effect. oh. and now they're talking. ok, they can go home. didn't they get arrested anyway? oh, please please stop talking. i now can't stand you. newsflash: Carrie Underwood? awesome. her album's great, too. America doesn't like mouthy people. we like nice people. be nice, boys.
Joshua Simmons. wow. i never thought i'd see a black guy sing a Rascal Flatts song. oh, come on! you know you were all thinking it! anyway, he was pretty good, had a few blah notes, but as good as any of these other jokers they're letting through.
Jarrett Simmons. the high note was good for him, the rest of it was not so good. eh.
uh oh, they're going home, please don't let them start mouthing off. and who is that girl who's all over everyone out in the hall? and now the Brittenums are patronizing them. and you KNOW the Simmons twins just want to stomp on their toes! i would! ah, just kidding, you know they're all gonna be the best of friends forever and ever! BF4FR!!
Chris Daughtry. very good. flat notes, but i'll call it nerves.
Katharine McPhee. love her voice. she's adorable.
Dave Hoover. he's a bit insane, i guess that's his bit, but he's gonna have to chill. you know who he reminds me of? the TSO singer. i don't know if the mannerisms are the same, but the sound anyway. i do like the way he exited, though. he was happy and giddy that he made it as far as he did. kudos to him.
and to the girl standing next to the van holding her shoes about to head back to the Bronx with someone else's money: please don't speak anymore.
i wanna hear about your suntan.
It's all recorded, and Sarah is editing it togther today (and we're already working on ideas for the next one).
Until then, I should mention that John Hawkins scored an interview with Kate O'Beirne, one of the lefts' most hated women right now because of her new book.
Britney Spears' Top Ten Excuses
Britney Spears was recently photographed driving down Pacific Coast Highway with her baby on her lap.
I don't see how she could do that.
What's worse is her lame excuse that she was "escaping from the paparazzi' to protect her child. Personally, I don't know if she's done anything to deserve having her life endangered. I don't know. Maybe she drew some silly cartoon, maybe she recorded another album. What I DO know is that this is one LAME excuse.
So here are the
Top Ten Excuses Britney Should Have Used For Driving With Her Baby In Her Lap...
10. (Looking down at belling and acting completely surprised) What? I'm not pregnant anymore? And it's a boy!! yay.
9. I had somebody on my lap who doesn't do anything and is completely dependent on me? Are you sure it wasn't K-Fed?
8. Hey, buddy. somebody had to hold my beer can.
7. We have an agreement. I work the gas pedal and baby does the steering.
6. (Whining like a child) But baby likes to stick his head out the window.
5. K-Fed said I should lash the baby to the roofrack - but that would be irresponsible.
4. This is so much easier than those Baby On Board signs.
3. Who are you gonna believe - a picture, or my publicist?
2. That's not just a baby - it's an emergency airbag!
And the number one excuse Britney Could Have Used For Driving With Her Baby In Her Lap...
1.. I'm sorry, I got carried away singing the lyrics to PopoZao!
I Like Pandas!
Who remembers the Frank Fan Club and the One-Time Pads? If you do, DON'T SAY ANYTHING!!! It's important we still don't have any of that traced back to us because I think it's time to once again make the crazy and paranoid more crazy and paranoid. First thing, I'll need an e-mail list; anyone know the easiest way of maintaining a mass e-mail list? When that detail is figured out, I'll tell you all how to sign up for the fun.
February 08, 2006
You make the call!
Hamshahri, Iran's bestselling newspaper, has launched a competition to find the best cartoon about the Holocaust in retaliation for the publication of caricatures of the Prophet Mohammed. Which one of our creations do you think we should submit?
[NOTE: links for context are found at the bottom of this post.]
During Bush's State of the Union Address, Gold-Star Mother and crazed anti-war activist Cindy Sheehan was kicked out of the event for wearing a T-shirt that said "2245 Dead -- How Many More?".
Meanwhile, Beverly Young - wife of Congressman C.W. Bill Young, (R-Florida) - was given the boot for wearing a T-shirt that said "Support the Troops Defending Our Freedom."
Let's see, can't oppose the war... can't support the war... surely there's SOME t-shirt that's non-controversial enough to not get you kicked out of the SOTU address...
Maybe this Fun Cat Trivia T-shirt...
* Cats have 18 toes - 5 on each front paw, 4 on each back. If your cat has 19 toes, that means it's male and you're an idiot.
* White cats with blue eyes are deaf. White cats with one blue eye are deaf in one ear. White cats with glowing red eyes are witches. Drown them in holy water.
* A cat's normal body temperature is 102° F. unless it's trapped under a pile of burning books, in which case it's 451° F
* Cats have no eyelashes, so don't be suckered into buying Maybelline's "Catscara".
* Cats are colorblind and thus oppose Affirmative Action quotas.
* A cat can jump 7 times as high as it is tall, which impresses everyone except Chuck Norris.
* Cats can survive falls from great heights because their paw pads are made from the same material as Roger Rabbit's head.
* An adult cat blinks an average of three times per minute - about the same rate that Ted Kennedy drinks.
* Some common household objects are fatal to cats, like Tylenol, philodendron plants, anti-freeze, and bullets.
* Cats have A, B, and O blood types, just like people, which makes them good bait for vampire traps.
* Cats don't think of themselves as little people, they think of people as large cats. Therefore, in order to establish your dominance over them, you should pee on your cat's head every so often.
* A cat's fur has a thick undercoat which causes it to make the same sound as a baby harp seal when you club it.
* To a cat, litter-box-filler appears to have the same texture as Rice Krispies. Protect your breakfast accordingly.
* The average cat has 40 whiskers, or 10 more than Frank J.
* Catnip has the same effect on cats as marijuana does on human beings. The feline equivlent of Pink Floyd and Twinkies is still, as yet, unknown.
Of course, if you're LOOKING to get booted from the SOTU, try:
"A Danish newspaper published my Muhammed cartoon and all I got was this lousy fatwa."
Who is Jimmy Carter? An IMAO Educational Moment
At yesterday’s funeral for Coretta Scott King, we witnessed what Democrats do best: Bash Bush at every opportunity. Although some felt this was inappropriate for a funeral, many were grateful that they didn't use her casket as a podium.
What surprised me was that Jimmy Carter was the first to kick off the Bush Bash. Now, you might ask yourself, “Self, who the hell is this nut bag?”
Well, hold on to your history books, it's time to take a short look at...
Former President Carter had the honor of having a loser, embarrassing brother; A proud tradition he carried over from President John F. Kennedy. (Teddy, I’m looking at you.)
In a tight economy, the Carter administration worked with the Iranians to have them care for American citizens for 444 days. This saved American businesses thousands of dollars.
Unfortunately, this ‘savings’ came to an end when that Bastard Ronald Reagan decides that these visitors needed ‘freedom.’
President Carter was once a member of the Bee Gees. Years later, he would be surprised to discover that they were men.
Jimmy Carter travels the world ensuring that elections are carried out fairly and offering certification of election results.
Some elections have even been certified AFTER the voting was completed.
In the 70’s, Jimmy shocked the nation when he admitted to having impure thoughts.: about the Bee Gees.
Although mislabeled as a gas shortage, it was indeed good for the environment. Plus those long lines were a great way to get to know your neighbors.
Waiting in line to gain absolutely nothing turned out to become an important selling point for the DNC .
Under President Carter, the military had few successful campaigns, but many successful bake sales. This allowed the army to buy more green things such as trucks, uniforms, and food.
Mr. Carter has been very active in working with Habitat for Humanity. An organization that creates housing for people who otherwise would have no hope of owning a home. Many times, he even pitches in to help build. This is a very odd sight: It's one of the few times you'll ever see a Democrat hit a nail right on the head.
I hope this educational primer entertained and informed. If not – Blame Bush.
We at IMAO pride ourselves on our ability to educate and enlighten. So the next time you see Jimmy Carter you can say, “Hey, I know who you are - I LOVED the Bee Gees!”
In My World: But How Would Mohammed Handle King Kong?
"Coretta Scott King's funeral was not the appropriate venue to punch Jimmy Carter in the groin," Laura Bush chided the President.
"Well, I'm just getting confused at what's appropriate and what isn't appropriate at a funeral these days," Bush complained as he entered his office.
"I'm going to bake some cookies," Laura said as she left.
Senator Leahy then entered the office. "You wanted to meet with me about your illegal wiretaps?"
"First off, I don't think they were illegal," Bush answered, "but I understand why some people might have concerns about the program. That said, I think it's a little political opportunistic to try and compare spying on terrorists to Nixon's wiretaps and the wiretapping of Martin Luther King."
"We're just letting the American people..."
Leahy was cut off when Bush punched him the gut. "I'm talking now. In my opinion - and in the opinion of many others - the most disturbing thing about this whole affair is that someone leaked information about a program involved with national security. That's treason." Bush then pulled out his peacemaker, cocked it, and placed it against Leahy's head. "You were identified as the leaker, so now I need to execute you by gunshot to the head to set an example to others!"
Leahy just stammered incoherently out of fear, but then the phone rang.
"What a minute while I answer this," Bush told Leahy. "What? ...Oh, not Leahy? ...Well, tell me when you find out who." Bush hung up the phone. He then decocked his revolver and put it away. "Ends up it wasn’t you, so I won't kill you... for now. You can leave now... and change your pants."
Leahy shuffled out of the office, and Bush sat at his desk. "Man, being President is hard," Bush muttered to himself. "Everyone is always yelling at me and trying to undermine me; I should find another job." Bush spotted a pad of paper and a pencil on his desk. "I know! I like cartoons, so I'll be a cartoonist!" Bush thought for a moment and then sketched away. Soon he had a drawing of Mohammed flying a fighter jet that was shooting at Godzilla. "Wow, this has so many layers of political commentary, it's mind-boggling!" Bush exclaimed as he marveled at his own work. "I better fax this to all the newspapers right now!"
* * * *
Laura entered the Oval Office carrying a tray. "I have cookies!"
"Give me! I'm a good President!" Bush yelled as he ran for the cookies.
"What have you been up to today?"
"I drew a political cartoon and some newspapers published it," Bush said between mouthfuls of cookies.
"Uh... I forget. I think it had Mohammed in it."
Laura dropped the tray. "Didn't you hear about what happened with the Danish cartoons about Mohammed?"
"No; I never even heard of the country Daneland."
Laura looked out the window to see a large group of angry Muslim extremists outside the White House gates holding signs saying things like "Death to Blasphemers of Mohammed," "Those Who Portray Islam as Violent Shall Meet Violent Deaths," and "No, We Don't Know What 'Irony' Means."
"Great," Laura groaned, "you're going to get the White House burned down for the first time since the War of 1812!"
"That reminds me," Bush said angrily, "We still need to get the Canadians back for that one." Bush then spotted Alberto Gonzales walking by wearing his usual poncho and Sombrero of Authority. "Hey! Gonzo! Come here!"
"You're the Attorney General; you have to help us take care of these crazy Muslims."
Laura and Bush followed Alberto outside. Alberto then went to the front gate, opened it, grabbed a crazy Muslim, pulled a piñata bat out from under his poncho, and started beating the Muslim silly. "Stop being stupid, stupid!"
A reporter came up to Alberto. "Are you torturing a Muslim?"
"I'm beating a Muslim, you stupid gringo," Alberto answered. "You reporters need to learn the difference between torture and beatings one of these days." Alberto then started hitting the reporter with his piñata bat. "Maybe you learn now!"
"Gonzales and his piñata bat just aren't going to solve this problem," Laura told Bush. "You need to go on TV and set things straight."
"Can it be the Daily Show?"
* * * *
"I'm Tim Russert, and this is Meet the Press."
"You're named after a potato!" Bush exclaimed.
"Uh, not actually... anyway, our guest today is President Bush here to explain his cartoon about Mohammed."
"I don't see why there is outrage," Bush stated. "If you look at the life of Mohammed, I think it's accurate to say that, if Godzilla attacked a city, Mohammed would get in a F-16 and fight the monster."
"But, President Bush," Russert said, "that isn't the issue so much as that many Muslims find any depiction of Mohammed to be disrespectful of their religion."
"Well, I can't keep track of everyone's crazy beliefs! I mean, just look at the leftards on the internet; if I tried to keep track of all the crazy things they believe, I'd end up as crazy as they are." Bush then looked straight into the camera. "Still, to all the non-violent Muslims who were offended by this cartoon, I'd just like to say... in your face! I made fun of your prophet! And what are you going to do about it? Nothing! That's what! Go write some letter to the editor and see if I care!
"But, to the violent Muslims out there who want to kill me for my cartoon, I offer my deepest apologies. It was a total accident; my pen slipped, and suddenly there was a drawing of Mohammed. It happens sometimes. I hope you'll forgive me and not burn down the White House."
"In response," Russert said, "we have a Muslim extremist - coincidentally named Mohammed - to give us his views. Mohammed?"
The Muslim extremist fired an AK-47 in the air. "Kill Bush! Kill infidels!"
"On to plan B," Bush said as he pulled out a super-soaker and sprayed the Muslim. The Muslim screamed in pain and then melted into a puddle of goo. "So that's why they don't like bacon grease," Bush remarked, "it melts them and sends them straight to hell!" Bush then turned back to the camera. "All you Muslims out there being violent, I will spray you with bacon grease! I will! I want America to be known as the country with the nicest Muslims, so all you behave this instant!" Bush then pumped his super-soaker a couple time to emphasize his point.
"Do you have any other message for the American people?" Russert asked.
Bush thought for a moment and then looked up to the camera. "Ted Kennedy's head is huge! I mean, you can see it’s big on TV, but it's even bigger in person! You really have to see it for yourself. I hope that once his liver gives out, they'll preserve his head in one of those Ripley's Believe It or Not museums."
Russert just stared at Bush for a second. "Uh... anything else?"
Bush leaned back in his chair. "No... I think that covers everything."
You Might Be a Leftard If...
...you can't understand how Kennedy and Johnson wiretapping Martin Luther King and Nixon wiretapping his political enemies are any different from Bush wiretapping terrorists.
...you're perplexed why anyone would consider using a corspe as a soapbox "ghoulish."
Come on; don't be shy. Add your own in the comments. Let's get a big list going.
Why do I always have to do all the work...
February 07, 2006
With money to burn
While reading a story on Reuters about where the folks in Gaza get all those Danish flags to burn, I noticed this interesting tidbit...
Abu Dayya sources some of his flags from suppliers in Taiwan, but he buys Israeli flags from a merchant in Israel, even though he sells them to be burnt at anti-Israeli rallies.
Politics, schmolitics - there's a sale to be made.
I'm sure this is giving FrankJ some ideas.
Al Queda Spam?
This is too weird. Just the other day, and in the interest of diversity of thought, I subscribed to the ACLU email newsletter. Darn them. I now appear to be on some sort of spam list. See what you make of the email below.
We believe that whatever Allah has in store for us, it is good.
Dear Al Queda Buddy,
We are sending this to you with good intentions. By reading the poem and sending it on to at least 10 friends in the next 24 hours, you too could have many wonderful blessings.
Let us share with you some of the good things that have been happening.
All because he read the poem and passed it on to 10 people.
Don’t believe us? Then read the story of…
Hassan got this poem and, being the believer that he is, quickly logged off Democratic Underground, and sent it on to ten friends. Later, he was able to carry out his Martyr Mission successfully, and is now basking in the glory of 72 wonderful virgins.
Great, right? But not all death is good. Especially, if you don’t forward this email. Let us tell you about…
Mahmoud started to read the poem. But he had other issues to deal with so he stopped reading the poem, and went to work at his job at the NY Times. Later, Mahmoud was discovered dead, clutching a book by Michelle Malkin, with a big bag of pork rinds lying at his feet. It’s easy to suspect the Jews, but we blame it on his not reading the poem.
Kill them, kill them dead
Kill them, kill them dead
Do they mock us?
Kill them, Kill them, Kill them
You have read the stories, you have read the poem. Do you want curses or blessings?
Remember, the more people you send this to, the more blessings you will discover.
Have a nice day.
I miss the days when most of my spam was for sex enhancement drugs, porn, and printer cartridges.
Frank Advice on Drawing Mohammed
So, you want to draw Mohammed? Follow these steps and you can have your own artistic depiction of the Prophet:
1. Obtain a drawing pad. If you don't want to spend money on one, a blank piece of white printer paper on top of a hard surface works for drawing.
2. Find a nice sharpened pencil or a quality mechanical pencil. For a good artistic depiction of Mohammed, you need good tools. Also, a clean eraser will help with the inevitable mistakes.
3. Assuming this will be a full body depiction, first draw a circle for the head and then mark the height of the entire body by making it seven times the head size. Do rough sketch of the body shape, legs, and arms based on standard proportions for a male subject.
4. Call your embassies in Middle Eastern countries to check their fire precautions including smoke detectors and fire escapes. When drawing Mohammed, it is essential your embassies already have procedures in case of fire.
5. Draw Mohammed's clothes. You can base this on the historically accurate depictions of clothing for the time. While it may be tempting to draw Mohammed with a leather jacket with one sleeve missing and a shotgun, this would not be an accurate depiction of the Prophet. If you can't find an image of proper clothing for the time period, use a muumuu as your model.
6. Check that your firearms are clean and loaded. You may need them at a moment's notice.
7. For Mohammed's head, a turban would be appropriate. Make sure to research tying styles to draw the turban accurately. Turbans are not made with towels and should not have a Holiday Inn logo.
8. Make sure to test your alarm system. If someone breaks into your house, you want to make sure that both you and the police will be notified by the alarm.
9. For Mohammed's face, make sure to draw him happy; if you were a prophet of Allah, wouldn't you be happy? He should have a beard, but don't use a member of ZZ Top as a model for the face.
10. Obtain a siren. Radical Muslims are easily scared by bright lights and loud noises.
11. Consider accessories such as a scimitar in Mohammed's hand and/or a scroll he has written. While a lightsaber might be fun, this is not what Mohammed would be seen holding according to historical records.
12. Practice drawing from your holster and make sure you can take off the safety and pull the trigger in one smooth action.
If you follow all these tips, you'll now have your own drawing of Mohammed and not be dead. Enjoy!
PETA cares more about Arab donkeys than Jewish cats
Today, a kittycat was murdered by terrorists in Israel:
Two Qassam rockets landed in the south of Israel Tuesday. The first rocket hit a house in the town of Sderot, causing damage to property and killing a cat that was hurt by shrapnel in the backyard.
And Islamic Jihad thought they had their hands full with IDF airstrikes. Now they have to deal with the fury of animal rights organizations - oy gevalt!
Hrm... animal rights organizations... well, PETA has said nothing about this poor, defenseless Jewish kittycat getting murdered by terrorists.
However, when it comes to Arab donkeys, Ingrid Newkirk of PETA gets all hot and bothered. From February 2003:
Yasser Arafat, President Palestinian National Authority Ramallah, West Bank Palestinian Authority
Her arrogant silence about the kittycat speaks louder than words. Or meows.
The cats demand justice! The cats demand the freedom to hunt mice and lizards free from Islamic terror! No kittycat should ever have to live with the threat of missile attacks...
Okay, maybe exceptions can be made for toy missiles.
(As for Palestinians blowing up innocent Jewish humans on buses or with the rockets, that's not Ingrid's problem either.)
Man's Best Friends, Terrorists' Worst Enemy
We had enough money left over from wedding gifts that I demanded we have money set aside to get a dog. I said to SarahK, "Woman, we're getting a dog!" I even informed my cat Sydney that, as soon as I get a dog, I'm never going to pay her attention ever again, so she better get it while it's available (she then bit me).
SarahK is now a housewife, so that helps, but I still need lots of information on getting a puppy and then caring for said puppy, so if anyone has that information or knows where to get that information, I'd appreciate the advice. We'll be getting a German Shepherd or German Shepherd mix. And, does anyone know anything about "crate training"?
Anyway, I'm so excited about getting a dog, I've decided to draw concept art. I'm going to name the dog Tuco after a character from my favorite movie. Here's my vision for Tuco in Phase 1:
In the initial phase, Tuco will be small and even lack the muscles for holding his ears up. His teeth will be small and pointy like needles and no good for the crushing of bones. Also, he'll have a cuteness factor that will keep him from intimidating my foes. Thus, we move on to Phase 2:
I will train away Tuco's cuteness by having him attack the cats (who are a constant annoyance to me). Anytime the cats make noise, I'll yell, "Tuco! Cats!" and he'll go bite the cats until they're quiet. This will also help him wear out his puppy teeth. This training will eventually lead to Phase 3:
Now, Tuco will be a lean, mean fighting machine. Also, he'll probably be angry for no reason. All I'll have to do is direct is anger at my enemies. I won't stop there, though, as, after enough funding, I hope to move to Phase 4:
Tuco will have added to him dual rocket launchers and side mounted machine guns. Also, I'll put sunglasses on him to make him look cool. Now Tuco will be able to take out whole squadrons of terrorists and make me feared throughout the Home Owners' Association.
Getting a dog will be so much fun! I can't wait!
February 06, 2006
24 Day 5 - 1:00 p.m.
* yay! graphic violence! SPOILERS BELOW THE FOLD.
* darnit. credits say Audrey is still on the show.
* Chloe, are you set up for the trace? of course i am, why else would i be calling you?
* you know, for someone who gets manipulated so much, President Frenchie sure knows how to manipulate people... that is, until he doesn't get his way and gets all whiney and starts yelling. he and Audrey should get together.
* Badger's gonna have a big role this season. yay!
* Lynn McGill also has an annoying blonde chick in his life who calls during national crises. aw crud. i see a subplot. everyone has deadbeat siblings or stupid daughters or sniveling sons. Chloe and Edgar are the only ones with no freaky family (especially since Edgar's mom offed herself). i love them even more.
* Rene Rienne's fake dad from ALIAS (the one that was frozen) is a new terrorist!
* oh no! CTU is doing "domestic spying" without a warrant! President Logan must be held accountable! or someone must punch the ACLU in the nuts! which do i want more??
* we're already running out of time on the nerve gas! what are we gonna do for the next 17 hours or so??
* i love Chloe!! have i ever mentioned that?? i loved the super-huge eye roll when Buchanan gave her trouble on using Spenser. Frank and i agree that the only thing missing from last week's episode was Chloe. big giant void.
* oh no! the exclamation points have taken over my keyboard!!!!!!!!!!!1one! somebody stop them!
* i clapped and yay'd for joy when she slapped him! that was exactly what i wanted her to do. i'm glad that Martha listens to me.
* Chloe is in top form tonight.
* Curtis is on a mission with Jack. i hope he doesn't die, i really like him. i like them in the field together too. they're two complete badpinkytoes. and you know, Curtis was on Tony Danza last week, so he shouldn't die. 'cause if he does, we'll know anyone who goes on Tony Danza has a character who's gonna kick it.
* don't do that! Curtis's vest shouldn't even get shot! that's too much for my poor thumping heart! don't y'all know i have a brain tumor, and you shouldn't mess with my head??
* that girl doesn't look like Neckid Mandy. so i was wrong about who the girl in the penthouse would be. whoever she is, she needs some food. Jack, quick! get her some food! Curtis! give the girl a Twinkie!
* i really wish Mal would just waltz in with Zoe and knock Badger on the back of the head with Zoe's gun.
* maybe the underfed girl is going to be Jack's new squeeze. wait. i wrote that before i knew she was 15.
* this is sanctioned torture! oh no, that poor terrorist! what about his rights? i feel so sorry for him!
* that guy opening the canisters looks like Tony when he has the full facial gear on. ya know, from a distance.
* the president is just patronizing his wife right now. ugh, this actor should get an Oscar. he makes me angry, ill, and disgusted all at once. if he's not really French, he deserves an award.
* Walt killed himself? wasn't anyone watching him? not that i'm sad to see him go, but i really wanted Jack to toy with him some more. and then kick him in the nuts. he'd kinda outlived his usefulness, though.
* i'm sorry, that was insensitive of me.
* sigh. if it's not Audrey calling Jack during the middle of a crisis to talk about their relationship, it's Jack calling someone during the middle of a crisis to find out where Kim is.
* hmm, i wonder if they're gonna lose the malnourished girl and Rossler's gonna escape with her. i just hope she gets some food first.
* wow. that underfed girl is a good shot. i guess Rossler's not gonna escape with her since he's dead now.
* whoa... next week is gonna be interesting. Frenchie is gonna order the nerve gas to be released in the mall. hey, i'll bet that Kim, Chase, Chase's baby, Diane, and Derek are all there shopping, along with Kate from season 3, plus her dad, plus Raisa's parents, the Secretary of Defense, Audrey's hippy brother, Behruz (sp?) Araz, and Rush Limbaugh. oh, and Lynn's gonna stop by there for a Chai Latte on the way back from getting beat up by his sister's boyfriend. what a bad day this is gonna be for Jack. at least Chloe's safely at CTU where nothing bad ever happens. unless you count it getting blown up in season 2.
* i'll have quotes tomorrow. there are dishes to do and TV trays to put away before bed.
If It's So Smart, How Come It Don't Know Nothing About Me?
There is finally a Wikipedia entry for IMAO.
I've gone from hating Wikipedia just because to finding it quite useful for non-controversial topics, at least (you want to quickly know the kingdom, phylum, calss, order, family, and genus of the platypus with cross-references, I don't think you can find a better site).
There were two links to IMAO.us in Wikipedia until just a couple days ago (a link to IMAO on the Mumia page was removed on Janurary 30th). Now I have but one (heh; I'm an entertainer).
That reminds me; I have a video to show you guys. Stay tuned...
UPDATE: Did some write an IMAO Blog page just so I could get deleted again? Since last time (I forget when that was and am too lazy to look it up), they now have specific guidelines for what makes a website and a blog "notable." Maybe a case could be made, but I don't feel like it. Still, getting called "non-notable" really stings. Stupid wiki-doodie-heads.
Hmm, but they seem to use Alexa to judge sites. If everyone got one of those Alexa bars, we could inflate that...
UPDATE 2: Here's the debate the previous time someone wrote a page. It was closer then, even though the article on IMAO was horrible and didn't follow Wikipedia guidelines at all.
How is the NSA spying on the general populace now?
They're logging the IP of everyone who clicks "Read More" on this post since people who are worried about NSA spying obviously have something to hide.
IMAO supports this program, you dirty terrorist.
We Know It's Crap, But It's Better Than Some Boring Oscar Nominee
I just noticed that, for three weekends in a row, the top grossing movie was not screened for critics. I don't know about you, but, if I were a film critic, I'd be feeling pretty useless about now.
...if I wasn't feeling useless before, that is.
BTW, one of those movies, Underworld: Evolution, will be reviewed in the next podcast. Yee-haw!
Always look on the bright side of death
Know what the worst thing about getting death threat phone calls last week was?
Man, they were using up my minutes. The month is just starting, and I'm burning through my pool like protestors burning through embassies.
"We're going to kill yooooooooou."
They never do. No wonder why there's no negotiating with terrorists. Or a Friends and Fatwahs plan.
"We're going to kill yooooooooou."
Plus, I had to change my ringtone to a plain ringtone because I wasn't quite getting the full fear and terror impact from the calls with "Popeye the Sailor Man" as my ringtone.
Just my luck, the battery in the phone starts to run low, and I'm expecting an important phone call about a real cool opportunity.
Christians Would Be Mocked Less by the Media If They Stopped Listening to Jesus
An Editorial by Frank J.
The left are having a lot of trouble with the Muslim cartoon riots, as they can’t seem to come to any conclusions different than those of right-wingers. The Muslims aren't even rioting against the things the left wanted them to get angry about like the invasion of Iraq and supposed torture. The only thing that seems to get the radicals out in the streets so far have been a phony story about a flushed Koran and a couple of cartoons. A few lefties, struggling to hold onto their warped world view where the Muslims radicals are the victims since the terrorists hate Bush, try to equivocate Christian fundamentalists with Islamic radicals since Christians also complain when they get made fun of.
"Jesus is all peace and love, and, whatever the merits of that message, that won't frighten the media away from making fun of you."
And it's true; we complain a lot. That's because, unlike the Muslims, we get targeted in the mainstream media all the time. There were even tax dollars going to a crucifix in a jar of urine, and we complained... but that's all we did. Where were the burnt buildings? Where were the beheadings? Moron rapper Kayne West posed as Jesus on a magazine cover; where's the fatwa against him?
Christians don't even have a word for "fatwa"! Know why? Jesus.
Jesus is all peace and love, and, whatever the merits of that message, that won't frighten the media away from making fun of you. As we've seen, believable threats of violence and death tend to make people more sensitive about your feelings. Too many Christians, though, won't murder an infidel or a blasphemer because it's not "what Jesus would have wanted." Well, as long you're hiding behind that excuse, who is going to be afraid of us?
Remember back when Christians stopped listening to Jesus and murdered whomever they didn't like? How many people mocked Christianity during the Spanish Inquisition? Not very many people at all.
Frankly, I have little room to complain, as I've been listening a bit too much to Jesus too. Last time my Christian sensibilities were offended, know how many embassies I burned?
One or less.
Well, it's time for a change. I've even come up with how to pretend it's in my religious beliefs to do violence on behalf of hurt feelings. I'll just extrapolate Jesus knocking over a few tables in a temple into igniting a consulate while ignoring all that "turn the other cheek" stuff. So, come on, Christian brethren, it's time to burn and pillage until people quiver in fear at the thought of mocking us.
I say we start with the Muslim countries; not much respect there.
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is a frequent contributor to IMAOPodcast.com. He is also the creator of such blasphemous illustrations as "Jesus Versus Mohammed: The Cage Match" and "Buddha Robbing a Liquor Store".
Super Bowl Observations
I enjoyed the Super Bowl yesterday. It's a much more enjoyable time when you aren't worried about your own team winning. So, I'd like to share with you some of my feeling and reflections on this years event.
RWD's Super Bowl Observations:
When it comes to scoring, teams from Pittsburgh are granted a Groundhog Exception. As long as the shadow of the football can be seen in the end zone – the touchdown is counted.
However, this gives them six more weeks of winter.
No touching in the end zone. Any touching will be counted as offensive pass interference.
Is it me, or were some of the most exciting passes the ones that ended in interceptions?
Seattle has one fugly uniform. With the teams recent success, hopefully they can stop shopping at Honest Al’s Football Uniform Outlet.
Stealer fans greatly outnumbered Seattle fans. It must have been tough on them. Especially with all the Steeler fans snapping towels at them.
Mick Jagger is an international star. But if I were to dance like that, I’d be accused of being intoxicated. And uncoordinated. And really, really old.
The Stones are at the point in their career where they can “dial it in.” I could swear I saw Keith Richards napping.
In a perfect world, they would have had the music in the background and kept the camera on the pretty girls in the audience.
Speaking of intoxicated; I have decided to boycott Radio Shack because of their commercials. By spending money at their stores, I would be enabling what can only be considered a serious drinking problem. Who signed off on those horrible commercials?
Commercial: Girl with horrible accent: This is the Ipod. Buy me this ipod, it’s great. It’s got "I" and it’s got "Pod." Oh, and accessories. BTW, can you see my herpes blister?
Sweetest commercial. The Budweiser Clydesdale where the baby horse is pulling the Budweiser wagon, and the momma, and poppa are right behind pushing. Too sweet..
Weirdest Commercial: Burger King. You have all these dancers dressed as pieces of hamburger, tomatoes, onions, and what not. In the end, they all pile on top of each other onto a bun. I wasn’t sure if I was viewing a salad or an orgy. I was waiting for a big squirt of mayonnaise.
Stupidest commercial: The Don’t be too Quick to Judge commercials. (slaps his knee) Gee, a woman ends up straddling a guy on an airplane flight. How edgy. How bold. How stupid.But then again – maybe I shouldn’t be too quick to judge.
BTW, what product was that? I don’t know, but at least there was no mayonnaise.
Congratulations to the Steelers. They had a great season, a hard fought playoffs and a wonderful game yesterday. That was an excellent peformance. What do you think, John?
Leave It to Boehner
I know many of you have been waiting for my opinion on the new Majority Leader so you'd know what to think. First, of course, I had to listen to the pundits on TV so I'd know what to think. Problem was, everything they said was boring so I had to come up with an opinion of my own.
The establishment all wanted Blunt and every single blog wanted Shadegg, thus we got Boehner. This is good.
All the howler monkeys of the leftwing blogs were screeching and flinging poo about wanting a filibuster on Alito, so the Democrats gave them their dog and pony show. When the rightwing blogs made a fuss, the Republicans seemed to listen (no Blunt), but they didn't answer, "How high?" when we said, "Jump!" (no Shadegg) Again, that is good. As soon as the Republicans do everything blogs tell them, that means they’re weak and out of ideas. The establishment is still strong enough that, when we demanded Shadegg, they were like, "Well, who the hell are you?"
And, no, I don't know how to pronounce "Boehner," but Godspeed to him.
What a Coincidence...
Ironically enough, I *just* got a letter from a concerned reader with her OWN tale of woe that shares some striking parallels with the Dickinson missive (you may want to read the Trib column first so that you can see the similarities).
I've posted it below, along with my response.
My on-and-off boyfriend of three years started registering for and logging in to chicagotribune.com about five months ago.
He is in a band, so the whole idea made sense to me for networking and promoting his band. Then, all of a sudden, chicagotribune.com took over his life and he started waking up immediately to log on. He had a slew of factually-inaccurate articles & extreme left-wing columns he read all day.
He read this one woman who wrote every thought that entered her head and every conversation she had into a column -- and I was able to follow and track the progress of her increasingly bile-filled political bias -- because it was all publicly posted.
Of course, he and I are no longer seeing each other because I was devastated by the number and the depth of the lies which were fed to him by this woman -- each time she lied, HE would end up repeating what she had said in her many columns. Most important, I was unhappy with who I had become -- this insane voyeur logging onto chicagotribune.com each day to check up on why my boyfriend had become a frothing, Bush-hating, liberal moonbat.
This woman provided details about conversations with "anonymous sources", details about secret National Security Agency programs, insensitive cartoons about wounded soldiers -- even exploitable details about the vulnerabilities of America's transportation infrastructure -- things that I am sure people never expected posted on the Web. I worry that, since chicagotribune.com has no conscience, they will sell my personal information to porn-spammers. What do you think of this?
For people who don't know, chicagotribune.com is an online "newspaper" of other people's photos and life stories, where "journalists", build "readerships" and write "columns" to while away their sad and empty days. (A "newspaper" is large sheets of paper covered with words -- sort of like a CNN transcript.) According to one recent estimate, there are more than 70 million newspapers being printed around the world.
As your letter points out, the virtues of life at a newspaper are also its deficits. People can easily meet and develop working relationships, but the problem with developing relationships with strangers is that strangers have no reason to respect your privacy -- they have no qualms about exposing you for misquoting or even completely making up sources. Your story is yet another reason why life as a columnist has become not only messy but also so boring. People who live a journalist's life don't have actual experiences. Their stories tend to reflect that.
I can't understand why people are so hungry to share their every waking thought with the rest of the world -- and I certainly don't understand why people are interested in reading these musings, personal details and outright lies.
Maybe you should try reading blogs, instead.
So what ad did you like best? I liked the one for the local news at eleven.
UPDATE: SarahK has a post on all the commercials here. I probably liked the "crime detterence" one best. The Fed Ex one was good, but old-fashioned physical comedy beats out special effects in the end. The other Sprint/Nextel commercial (with the couch on fire) was also pretty good.
And were Sarah and I the only ones who liked the Emerald Nuts commercial?
February 05, 2006
February 04, 2006
The most annoying word of 2006
It's only February 4th, and I already know what the most annoying word of the year is going to be: Brokeback.
Yeah, you sometimes get your Where's the beefs? or your e-Something or Something-dot-com, but Brokeback Something is getting old really fast.
The problem with the "Of The Year" panels of self-appointed experts festivals at the end of the year is that nobody remembers what was really annoying or popular back in the early months. The Recency Effect makes people focus on the annoyances of November or December, while the annoyances of January and February feel like a lifetime ago.
Or, in Shirley MacLaine's case, a previous-lifetime ago.
What do you think will be the word of the year for 2006?
February 03, 2006
Sometimes I really regret signing up for Instapundit's mailing list. Every day it seems like my inbox is bogged down with notices about his latest illicit get-rich-quick scheme.
Like this one, for example:
From: Glenn Reynolds - Blogospheric Overlord
To: Those who will someday kneel before me
Now that Google has cast aside its foolish "core belief" of "don't be evil", I've been able to partner with them to bring you:
A clearinghouse for information on all the illegal, immoral, questionable, offensive, and/or downright shady products and services offered by Evil Glenn Industries, Inc.
With the power of Illoogle™, you'll have access to:
Pup-A-Mule - Tired of risking your loved ones' lives by having them swallow heroin balloons? With Pup-A-Mule, you can turn any puppy into your own personal 4-legged drug importation vector. Kit comes with surgical steel scalpel, Ziploc brand re-sealable HeroIn Bags, and Arrow brand tummy-stapler for post-insertion closure.
Legal Notice: Not responsible for personal injury due to unremoved tummy-staples in puppy shakes.
Sacra-Hobo - Need a human sacrifice to appease your Satanic master's need for fresh blood? You could shop your local Screen Actors Guild Union Hall (it's not like anyone would miss a Tim Robbins or two), but why not let us deliver a US Grade A Government Select hobo right to your door, instead? Bound, gagged, and pre-inebriated to reduce struggling, these pathetic creatures are accepted as payment on soul-for-power contracts by most major evil deities.
Legal Notice: Be sure to check your soul-for-power contract for specific terms and conditions. Not responsible for unspeakable afterlife torturings resulting from contract breaches.
Mo-ha-ha-ha-med - Live in a country that's caved in to terrorist demands to censor cartoons that make fun of Islamic prophets? Look no further than the Mo-ha-ha-ha-med web portal, where you can find all the funniest portrayals of the head-choppingest, child-bride-takingest, bomb-for-a-turbinest prophet that ever wrote a Koran. Don't let YOUR cowardly government control what you can and can't see. Use Mo-ha-ha-ha-med and take a firm stand for free speech!
Legal Notice: Not responsible for renegade JOOOOOOS! having fatwahs issued against them.
CommieTruth.com - Ok, I lied. Screw free speech. APPROVED speech is where it's at. CommieTruth.com is the only search engine guaranteed to provide the 100% capitalist-pig-opinion-free information that my Maoist masters feel that it's safe for you to know. After all, those guys are smart enough to oppress 1.3 billion people. You've probably never even oppressed a goldfish, so who the hell are YOU to say that rude little Tiananmen Square rumor is true? Huh? HUH?... that's what I thought... you just keep your yap shut, little man.
Legal Notice: YAY! Commies!
You'll also find:
Plus hundreds of other specialty sites, only available through:
I Am a Great Thinker If Nothing Else
Also, I need to update that page's template and probably date it for reference. Man, I wrote that way back when I was getting only 3 unique visits a day... and two of them were me.
Today, it's a two-fer: Nardo the Orange and Piper the Crazy:
If you're not sure how this absurd scene pertains to IMAO, since IMAO is famous for that "political humor" thing, it doesn't. If you must have some semblance of politics or humor in everything you read here, just assume that Nardo and Piper are... um...
Chris DeBurgh was right: Don't pay the ferryman until he gets you to the other side
CAPTAIN: Are our missiles ready to launch against Mecca, Medinah, Cairo, Damascus, Tehran, and Southfield Hills?
CAPTAIN: What was that?
By the way, the Egyptians rejected the Israeli Navy's offer for help.
Hope Allah's got plenty of dry towels, because that just means more wet martyrs arriving at his doorstep.
February 02, 2006
Spacemonkey's New Book
--Welcome, Instapundit readers!
My new book* Anarchy Of Franks: How Monkeys With Ninja Training Empower Extraordinary Bloggers To Beat Big Lefty Bloggers, Big Centrist Bloggers and Other Goofballs. is ready to go to the publisher!
My book** is all about*** the GBW (Great Blog War) and how Frank J. is the Anti-Insta and oops, I've given too much of the plot away already. So, buy, then read**** the book! Oh shoot, just buy***** it, I don't really care****** if you read it or not.
My book is NOT associated in any way with Glenn Reynolds'******* book, An Army of Davids
* If ONLY I had a book.
The Only Thing I Might Pull Out Is My Foot Out of Your Ass... But It's Unlikely
A Marine is hit by an IED, and, as soon as he is patched up, he stands up and flips the captured terrorist the bird (he refused being brought to the helicopter on a stretcher so as not to show the terrorist weakness).
That's like Chuck Norris bad.
He probably could have gone home on that injury but didn't want to. Semper Fi.
Kids These Days
Everyone keeps saying how kids these days don't have basic knowledge, but they seem to know Ted Kennedy pretty well (second paragraph).
(hat tip to Best of the Web)
In other news, the bipolars at Democratic Underground, who just moments ago were claiming that Alito would beckon in the apocalypse, are wondering if he's the next Souter after his first decision. Bad Alito! You're supposed to be for the killing of everyone and everything!
February 01, 2006
Poor Cindy Gets Brutalized :(
She stepped out to see the State of the Union address and enjoy a relaxing evening of non-stop picture- taking but ended up posing for even more mug shots.
Michael Moore’s website has the latest letter from her explaining her side of the story.
Here's my favorite quote - where she explains the horrible treatment she received at the hands of security:
He then ran over to me, hauled me out of my seat and roughly (with my hands behind my back) shoved me up the stairs.
The nerve! The brutality!
Here’s the photographic proof!!
Just look at those hands, held roughly – behind – her - hmmmm.
Hey - that's HER arm. And it's not being held roughly behind her!!!
There can only be one explanation!!
Cindy has three arms! For this, we blame the evil Bush Administration!!
Hamas: The First 100 Days
Now that Hamas has been elected to rule the Palestinian Authority, they've outlined their agenda for the first 100 days of their administration:
* Fire guns into the air while shouting "ULULULULULULU!"
* Bury people who died from falling-bullet wounds. Blame deaths on JOOOOOOS!
* Throw rocks at JOOOOOOS! in retaliation.
* Realize too late how stupid it is to bring a rock to a gunfight.
* Attempt to be superior to all other Arab nations by raising an army that can't be beaten by a troop of Israeli Girl Scouts.
* Double the current Palestinian Authority spending on education programs by declaring that suicide bomber vests will now be considered "books".
* Scale back plans to push the JOOOOOOS! into the sea, by practicing on a pile of tiny pebbles.
* Get asses kicked by a pile of tiny Jewish pebbles.
* Give up attacking Israel and start with something easier to conquer, like France.
* Which will then become known as "Paristine".
* Attend formal dinner with Kim Jong Il, in celebration of the fact that he now pronounces the country's name correctly.
* Adopt new national motto of "Palestine - all the violent terrorist thuggery of other Arab nations, but without all the oil."
* Fly the new Palestinian flag (see extended entry)...
Finally, on day 100, Hamas will be beaten up by Israeli Girl Scouts and driven into the sea by a pile of tiny Jewish pebbles.
Outraged by AOL? We AM!!
Can you imagine opening your AOL account and seeing the marketing phrase “I AM”? For one, it means you’re an idiot because you’re using AOL – but let’s focus on the other victim in this fiasco.
Here for you is an IMAO exclusive reader who is outraged by the latest blasphemy from AOL.
RWD: Popeye, what was your reaction when you saw this horrible marketing message?
Popeye: I am what I am. And that’s all that I am. I didn't have much to begin with, after hurricane Katrina wiped out my Spinach warehouse. (mumbling- Presdient Bush hates Spinach) Now they've taken my phrase - those wiley rascals.
RWD: So, this offends you. They took your phrase, Popeye.
Popeye: My life hasn’t been going so well. I was going to have a big star play me in a movie – but then Robert Blake got arrested...
RWD: Yes, Popeye, but what about the “I AM” issue?
Popeye: I am what I am. And that’s all that I am. I tells you, I’m going to “moidalize” them. I ain’t been the same since Olive Oil got admitted into that anorexia clinic. And then she tells me that sweetpea isn’t even mine. I never for a minute thought…
RWD: Well, that does it for today’s interview. Popeye appears to have other problems.
In My World: New Justice, New Speech
"Alito is a menace to our country," Kerry said to the Senate, "He will..."
"Can we vote for cloture now?" a random Senator shouted out.
"Sure, let's end this crap," Dick Cheney answered, "Let's vote."
"Gerwarger... Aliotioto!" Kennedy objected.
The vote went ahead anyway, and Cheney counted the votes. "We have 114 votes for cloture and 3 votes against." Cheney paused for a moment. "That doesn't seem right, but, whatever. Debate has now eneded!"
Guards came in, gagged Kerry, and dragged them away. Kennedy was fed whiskey until he passed out.
"Now we'll vote on confirming Alito," Cheney said. "Hell... we know how that vote is going. Let's just go ahead and say he's confirmed. Any objections?"
Reid began to speak, but then Cheney pulled out a gun and shot him in the kneecaps.
"No objections," Cheney stated.
Alito ran up to where the nine justice were seated, grabbed Sandra Day O'Connor, and tossed her out of her seat. He then pumped his arms in the air and yelled, "I'm now a Supreme Court Justice, and you call can suck it and suck it hard! Woooo!"
* * * *
"It's a good day," Bush said as he sat in his office. "Now I just need to knock 'em dead with my State of the Union Address. Hey, Alito, everytime I announce a new wacky scheme, I need you to stand up and shout, 'That's perfectly Constitutional!'"
"No problem," Alito answered. "Hey, I don't like some of the other Justices and am thinking of having them whacked. Is that okay?"
Bush shrugged his shoulders. "I don't got no say over the Judicial Branch; do what you want. Now, let's get speakerin'!"
* * * *
Bush stood in the Capitol prepared to speak, but up in the rafters a woman shouted, "Bush lied! People died!"
Bush squinted to see who it was. "Cindy Sheehan? Who the hell let her in here?"
"How many more people must die before I get more media coverage!" Cindy yelled.
"I'm sorry about your son, but shut the hell up!" Bush shouted back.
"I'm not sorry! He was a baby killer who fought the freedom fighters in Iraq in only want to blow up children in peace!"
Bush shook his head. He then turned to some guards all in black. "Gestapo, take her outside and shoot her."
"That's perfectly Constitutional!" Alito said.
The guards quickly made their way to Cindy Sheehan, grabbed her, and dragged her outside. Soon, the sound of a gunshot was heard. Bush sighed in relief. "Well, that's that. Now on to my speech.
"You may have noticed my guest sitting next to the First Lady. They are a bomb sniffing dog from Afghanistan who here in honor of his service, Chuck Norris because he's cool, and a live grizzly bear... though I forgot why he's here." Bush looked to Laura. "Stop fidgeting or he may kill you... No, not the bear; it's tranqued. I'm talking about Chuck Norris."
Bush cleared his throat and looked back to the teleprompter. "America is a strong country, and we've made great progress. Unfortunately, my measure to save Social Security was blocked..."
The Democrats all stood and cheered. "Screw America!" one exclaimed.
"You're not supposed to cheer at that, dinguses!" Bush yelled at them.
Suddenly, the bomb sniffing dog ran over and tackled Senator Schumer. All the others quited in fear.
"Good dog," Bush said. "Anyway, I have other plans, and this whole Alito confirmation has proved that the Democrats are too impotent to stop me."
"Yay me!" Alito stood up and cheered.
"One thing is alternative fuels." Bush stopped and checked the teleprompter again. "This sounds boring," Bush grumbled. "There are many ways we can power our vehicles," Bush continued, speaking up, "such as with corn, grass..." Bush's eyes started to close. "...wood chips..."
* * * *
"Bush's falling asleep during his own speech has caused some controversy," the anchorman said. "Conservatives have said it just shows how relaxed Bush is with his policies that he can actually go to sleep when talking about them. Liberals say that his falling asleep proved this is all about oil and that we must get out of Iraq now. When asked to elaborate, they just kept repeating themselves. When asked for comment, Bush said he thought he was just talking to Congress, and, if he catches us spying on him again, he'll murder us all.
"After the break, remember to stay tuned for our special feature: Who will Iran nuke first?"
I am NOT buying French!
It looks like a (struggling) French newspaper owned by Egyptian tycoon Rami Lakah has reprinted the notirious "Mohammed Cartoons" that have gotten the Islamic World rattling their sabres at Norway and Denmark.
Hey, what's France got to lose? It's not like there's any cars left to burn, right?
(Just in case you're wondering, Lakah is a Roman Catholic with dual French-Egyptian citizenship)
(Just in case you haven't seen them before, Zombietime has assembled a collection)
(Just in case you're allergic to the phrase "just in case" ...)
So let it be written, so let the lies be done
Well, the Egyptian government (ie Pharaoh Hosni Mubarak the First and a few hundred femily members and close friends of the family) are telling Hamas that they must recognize Israel and honor all past treaties.
Meanwhile, when I last checked, Egypt does not currently have an ambassador or a fully-staffed diplomatic mission in place in Tel Aviv or Jerusalem as required under the 1978 treay with Israel. They recalled them for some reason or another back in 2000.
So let me get this straight...
Wow. That's some mighty impressive hypocrisy there from a dictatorial dynasty. Are we sure that Hosni Mubarak isn't somehow related to the Kennedy family?
The saddest part is that despite Egypt's violating the 1978 treaty, the United States still send Egypt $2 billion a year.
So, for those of you who are good at math, how many homes could that money build for Katrina evacuees to get New Orleans churning chocolate again? If not for the principle of the matter, you'd think that sheer greed would motivate the grassroots (and bad seeds) to demand that flow of money stop and flow into education or health care for illegal aliens or the National Endowment of the Arts... whatever budgetary toilet that has an open stall at the time.
Carnival of Comedy Reminder
February 2nd is tomorrow. That means if you want in on Carnival of Comedy #40, which Taleena at Sun Comprehending Glass will be hosting, you'd better send in your entry before midnight!
Want to host? Email me at with "Host Carnival Of Comedy" as the subject.
Nutjob Acts Nutty; Stay Tuned for Our Story About a Dog Biting a Man
Cindy Sheehan, leftwing nut possibly made nuttier by her son's death and the following media attention, at least had the decency last night to get herself arrested before the State of the Union Address instead of during it. But, what about the Congresschick that invited her? She had to know something like this would happen. Since the moonbats claim Bush can do this, Bush should have Rep. Lynn Woolsey arrested without any charges and disappeared. If questioned on it, he can just say, "You can get the details from Woolsey herself... if she's ever heard from again! Muh ha ha ha!"
Now that's showing some Presidential backbone.
Buy IMAO T-Shirts
The IMAO T-Shirt Babe
(winning picture) YOU BUY NEW SHIRTS NOW!!!
Best of IMAO 2002
Best of IMAO 2006
Frank on Guns
Frank Reads the Bible
Frank the Artist
Fred Thompson Facts
Hellbender Take Two
Hillary Clinton Terrible Truths
I Hate Frank
If I Were President
IMAO for the Non-Deaf
IMAO Think Tank
In My World
In My World - Fan Fiction
John Edwards Fabulous Facts
Know Thy Enemy
Mitt Romney Ads
Precision Guided Humor Assignments
Ron Paul, Ron Paul, Ron Paul
Ronin Thought of the Day
SarahK's TV stuff
Scary Evil Monkey
Songs & Poems
State of the Frank Report
Totally True Tidbits
WEsistance Is Facile
Why Me Laugh?
By MonthDecember 2008