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February 28, 2006
American Idol 5 top 10 girls
Posted by sarahk at 11:32 PM | Email This

This week, Ryan is so proud that AI beat the Olympics, Survivor, Dancing with the Stars, and all the other shows. I'm just proud that they'll mention shows on other networks without saying "that show where everyone gets voted off, and that show where they have 'celebrities' that dance", and instead actually use real names.

Simon gives himself a 10 out of 10 on last week's judging. I give him a 9.5, because I disagreed with him on one thing. Kellie Pickler (I can feel the eyes starting to roll).

Read More...


Rating: 2.9/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (7) | SarahK's TV stuff
Top 10 Little Known Facts about OBL
Posted by RightWingDuck at 05:21 PM | Email This

I saw this interesting story in the news today.

We have Osama' Bin Laden's driver in custody. This is somebody who met Osama and knew him. So - What vital piece of intelligence have we been able to gather?

Osama Bin Laden is shy and likes hugs.

Yes, this made news. Well, if that's good then you're really going to have an educational moment as IMAO presents:

The Top Ten Little Known Facts about Osama Bin Laden...

10. OBL tries to make sure all of his latest audio threats are available at I-Tunes. In a blatant attempt to increase downloads - he once wrote a song about gay Al Queda cowboys.

*

9. Next projects: DVD collection. Season One – OBL’s greatest threats.

*

8. Although he’s shy, OBL is rumored to have once dated Lindsay Lohan.

*

7. The very tall OBL was once kicked off his local basketball team. He got carried away with the bling bling. And for being a bigger ball hog than Kobe Bryant.

*

6. Most embarrassing moment: Being caught wearing the same dress as Reese Witherspoon.

*

5. OBL once planned to record a duet with Barbra Streisand. Unfortunately, they were unable to come to an agreement as to which one would be billed as “the pretty one.”

*


4. Osama is currently working on writing a children’s book: My Fatwa- a Popup Book

*

3. To overcome his shyness, OBL joined a new reality show – Dancing With Al Queda. He won first place and hit the talk show circuit. His dance partner unfortunately, let some of her ankle show beyond her burqua and had to be stoned to death.

*

2. Before settling in to his trademark cloak and turban, OBL tried other trendy looks such as baggy pants, wearing one sequined glove, and Elvis jumpsuits.


And the #1 Little Known Fact about Osama Bin Laden...

Read More...


Rating: 2.7/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (9)
Weathergirls 2.0
Posted by Laurence Simon at 03:32 PM | Email This

Since the release of the Disco hit It's Raining Men, pollutants released into the atmopshere have steadily increased. This, in turn, creates the phenomenon known as acid rain.

So does this mean that at some point the song needs to be updated to It's Raining Acid Men or should it be updated to It's Raining Men On Acid?

Rating: 2.0/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (4)
Chuck Norris Without a Beard
Posted by Frank J. at 02:57 PM | Email This

This short discussion involves spoilers to last night's episode of 24:

Read More...


Rating: 2.1/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (19)
Carnival Of Comedy Reminder Reminder
Posted by spacemonkey at 02:08 PM | Email This

There will be a Carnival of Comedy reminder later.

Also, I just got a NICE, new microphone and some other cool podcasting stuff with my mad IMAO money.

So, look out hisses and clicky, poppy noise, your days are numbered! Not in this upcoming podcast, but the next one.

Rating: 2.3/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (1)
Frank Advice on Port Security
Posted by Frank J. at 01:07 PM | Email This

When people first heard that the UAE were going to manage some of our ports, everyone was like, "Whatever." Then, we found out what the 'A' in UAE stands for: Arab! Those crafty Muslims, trying to take over our ports without us noticing; they're almost as sneaky as the joooos.

Now, people are concerned about port security, thus leaving it to me to tell everyone what to do:

FRANK ADVICE ON PORT SECURITY

* Remember: Ports involve delivery with ships, so, if some other vehicle than a ship comes into your port, treat it with suspicion.

* Muslim extremists could infiltrate your port and blend in with the workers. Every so often, you should yell out "Hey, Mohammed!" and see if anyone turns his head in response. Also, you might want to yell out, "Hey, Bruce!" to see if you've been infiltrated by filthy, thieving Australians.

* Just because someone went through all the trouble of painting "Not WMDs" on a crate, doesn't mean it's true. You might want to consider inspecting that one.

* Muslim extremists hate cartoon depictions of the prophet Mohammed (peace be upon him), so put an unflattering comic about Mohammed on your door. If anyone tries to kill you over it, treat that person with suspicion.

* Remember: Just because someone is Arab doesn't mean that he is a Muslim; in fact, the huge majority of Arabs in America are Christian, so, when you see an Arab, you should be more worried about a Christian extremist who will chat off your ear about "The Bible." To shut him up, just tell him you have "The Bible: The Movie" on your Netflix list and you don't want him to spoil it for you.

* SPOILER: Jesus gets killed. Ha, bet you thought they wouldn't kill off the main character.

* Don't jump to conclusions. If you hear people saying stuff like, "We're going to steal the port," "Let's take over the port," or "I'm going to smuggle WMDs in the port," they could just be talking about port wine.

* Though you don't have enough time to check every crate, don't just check the first two crates from each shipment; terrorists could use that predictability against you. Sometimes, check the third and fourth crates instead. Don't bother with the fifth and sixth crates because, even if they have WMDs in them, you'll probably die of old age before the union workers finally unload them.

* SPOILER: Jesus comes back to life! Yes, it might seem a bit cheesy like with Star Trek III: The Search for Spock, but, if you paid attention, there was plenty of foreshadowing.

* Terrorist want to smuggle a nuclear bomb into America, so, if you find a nuclear bomb in one of your inspections, make sure it's on the manifest.

* Every so often, walk among the workers asking, "Anyone know where to score some WMDs?" Maybe someone will slip up.

* Since you're right near the water, you might want to enlist the help of Aquaman so he can swim around and... uh... On second thought, try flashing the Bat Signal.

* Another way terrorists may attack us is by smuggling in Ebola infected monkeys. So, make sure you have bananas - bananas for the monkeys.

* Monkeys like bananas.

* If you think one of the workers at the port is holding back information, you should consider beating him with a rubber hose until he talks. It's a good idea to check union rules on that first.

* Remember: Port security starts with you. Don't just say, "Well I don't need to find smuggled WMDs; Jack Bauer from CTU will handle it just in time." Jack Bauer is busy and needs sleep, so do your job!

Rating: 2.2/5 (26 votes cast)

Comments (21) | Best of IMAO 2006 ~ | Know Thy Enemy
Doesn't it just warm your heart . . .
Posted by Frank J. at 01:05 PM | Email This

. . . to see the clowns prancing in the streets of New Orleans again for Mardi Gras?

clown_par.jpg

Mardi-Gras-Clown.jpg

nagnclown.jpg

Rating: 2.9/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (18)
Bird Flu in cats?
Posted by Laurence Simon at 10:32 AM | Email This

Bird Flu has now passed from birds to cats...

The deadly strain of bird flu has been found in a cat in northern Germany, the first time the virus has been identified in the country in an animal other than a bird, a national lab said Tuesday.

The cat was found on the northern island of Ruegen, where most of the more than 100 wild birds infected by the H5N1 strain have been found, the Friedrich Loeffler institute said.

According to this expert...


"Quit coughing on me!"

... now is the time to nuke Germany.

Rating: 2.8/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (3)
Rowdi: Loveable Mutt or Ticking Time-Bomb?
Posted by Frank J. at 10:17 AM | Email This

** SEE UPDATES **

Sarah and I are really thrown for a loop, guys; this is my most desperate bleg ever as we really need some good advice.

As told before, we adopted the three-year-old, sixty pound, supposedly part Shepherd Rowdi (then Brownie) from PetSmart on a day when the local shelter had a booth and a bunch of dogs and cats out. Rowdi was so sweet and we felt so bad that her owners just gave her up that it didn't take long to convince ourselves to adopt her instead of waiting to get a puppy. It seemed she would get along fine with our cats because she didn't show the cats there any aggression. At one point, they had a blanket cover a cage full of kittens, and Rowdi kept sniffing the cage curiously as the kittens kept swatting her through the blanket (the kittens finally pulled down the blanket and were like "Oh @#$%!" when they saw what they were swatting at.

Well, the cats didn't take to her right away, of course, and we've gotten a baby gate to keep her in the kitchen (though we let her watch TV with us on a leash) and have a huge metal dog crate to keep her in at night and when both of us are gone. It seemed that, gradually, they would get along.

Then we realized she's a pit bull. It seems so obvious to everyone who has seen pictures of her, we wonder why the shelter people didn't mention it. Actually, when she went to the vet yesterday, the doctor didn't see any Shepherd in her. We'd be like "Whatever" except that we've seen all these stories about pit bulls that are like:

We had a pit bull for four years and she was the sweetest dog. She'd never showed any aggression, would rescue cats from trees, and even carefully captured spiders and released them alive outside. Then, one day, we left her home alone for an hour, and, when we returned, we found she had killed every single living thing in the neighborhood, sold all our stocks and bonds and spent the money on crack, and swallowed all our left socks. When we found her, she was just panting and smiling in the background of an Osama bin Laden video like nothing had happened.

So, even if Rowdi shows no aggression for a year, we're worried she could just snap for no reason. In addition, we're not sure she's non-aggressive. She seems fine with other dogs and only barks at dogs who are her size or larger (and probably also female – Rowdi is spayed, BTW). Every once in a while, she gets excited and has what Sarah calls "crazy eyes" and will jump on us and play bite (light touches with the teeth but bites nonetheless). Since she's sixty pounds of pure muscle, this is a bit of a problem until we learn what to do to calm her down (the obedience class mentioned grounding her by pulling her down by her collar and pushing down between her shoulder blades, but she's too strong for that and just whimpers at me when I try).

Finally, she seems to be getting frustrated at the cats and has now a number of times growled and barked at them. The cats (especially Minerva, the older one and the one most displeased by changes in the status quo) have gotten quite brazen with knowing she's restrained when were around and will get closer and closer to her without letting Rowdi close enough to sniff her. Minerva won't run from Rowdi, and has only jumped back a foot once Rowdi darted at her and plunged her nose into Minerva's side (does that count as aggression?). Minerva is constantly going into the kitchen (usually sticking to the counters) but never letting Rowdi all the way up to her. While Rowdi still usually just watches the cats quietly until she gets bored, we're more worried that frustration will make her angry at the cats. None of the articles on introducing a dog to cats mention anything about the dog getting frustrated at constantly seeing these creatures she can't get near, and it's worrisome. In all indications, she's just curious and wants to sniff them (as long as they don't run and get her to instinctively chase them), but how can we be sure? I grew up with a German Shepherd named Lady who never successfully killed a fly (she tried once, but I later found the fly walking along the ground, covered in slobber), so I feel I might be a bit naive to the fact that some dogs kill.

So what now? We get increasingly worried every time Minerva ventures close to the kitchen when we're not in there, and, even if the cats warm up to Rowdi and she seems fine with them, how can we be sure she won't ever harm them. And what about when we one day have kids? Can we ever trust Rowdi around them?

We're really stressed on this one. Rowdi is a very sweet dog who is quite calm for most of the day. She also has the saddest eyes in the morning when she realizes I'm leaving, and the happiest expression when I take her out to play. She's very smart and is picking up commands and obedience quite quickly. We really want this to work, but we need some assurances. Is there any experts to talk to (does someone know the Dog Whisperer?)? This is going to be dominating a lot of our life until we feel this is resolved. Again, we will really appreciate any help on this.

Thanks.

UPDATE: It should be mentioned that we live on a golf course and can't fence our yard. The plan was (and is) to walk her many times a day.

UPDATE 2: Sarah took Rowdi out for a walk this afternoon and ran into some people delivering furniture to a nearby house. They commented on what a nice looking dog she is and one said, "She looks just like Brownie." Of course, Brownie was Rowdi's former name. Ends up, the guy knew Rowdi and the former owner and kept going on about what a sweet dog she is and how he was glad she found a new home. She was owned by a fourteen-year-old along with another pit, and the problem was the neighbors complaining about her barking (she seldom barks and the volume is nothing compared to the German Shepherd I used to have). Since we prayed hard about Rowdi and our worries last night, we crazy Christians are probably going to read too much into this chance encounter, but it certainly is making us feel better. We'll continue to proceed with caution, but we think we can make this work.

Read More...


Rating: 2.3/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (33)
February 27, 2006
24 Day 5 - 4:00 p.m.
Posted by sarahk at 10:58 PM | Email This

Graphic violence - hooray!

Previously on 24... It's possible I'll start to like Audrey. Y'all should put me down, because no one should live in the condition of liking Audrey. Plus, some other stuff happened, like the First Lady jumped in the car with the Russian president so the American Frenchman wouldn't give the assassins the motorcade route of the Russian president.

Read More...


Rating: 2.5/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (16) | SarahK's TV stuff
The War in Iraq Is Truly Lost... If We Leave
An Editorial by Frank J.
Posted by Frank J. at 01:20 PM | Email This

 Many people are saying we should leave Iraq. This is not a good strategy for victory if you let me explain. You see, when you're competing at something and suddenly leave, you lose.

 Like most people, I've been watching Olympic curling. Sometimes, one team would be so far behind that, instead of playing to the end, they'd just shake hands and leave. And know what happened then? That team would lose! Yes, they could have stayed longer and tried against odds to win, but, since they left, the judges just went ahead and marked them a loser.

"Even if you're winning, leaving causes you to lose!"

 Maybe you're thinking now that perhaps leaving is a good idea if you know you will lose because leaving and losing now will save time. Well, that's loser talk. Also, listen to this: when I was a kid, I played soccer (I was young; I didn't know any better). Once, we were trouncing a team so badly that it got boring and we just left. We had a ton more goals, but, because we left, we were marked as losing! So, even if you're winning, leaving causes you to lose!

 Remember the only war America lost? My dad does; he's a Vietnam vet and, every time I see him, I say, "Hey, remember that war you were in? You lost it, loser." Then he hangs his head and walks away and I yell, "Yeah, you better walk away, loser." As my dad sometimes tells me, it wasn't his fault we lost the Vietnam War; it was the fault of those who decided to leave. This is great wisdom even though it comes from someone who was in a loser war. If you trace the Vietnam War to the exact moment we lost, it's when we left. Once we weren't there any longer, there was no chance to win. This is important to understand.

 So, having learned from Vietnam, I don't know why anyone would suggest we leave Iraq. That's a sure way to lose. Some say we need to leave because it's dangerous there, but, when I've talked to troops about leaving, they're like, "But then we'll lose! People died for this; we're not going to lose. You stop talking about leaving and losing!" Then I get punched, and that punch hurts because it's from someone trained how to punch by the military.

 Thus, we can't leave Iraq or we'll lose. Then our troops will be losers and I'll have to shout at them, "Hey! Losers!" And they'll be too sullen to punch me. Our military men and women deserve better.

Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is a frequent contributor to IMAOPodcast.com. He is also the author of such books as "War and Peace: How to Choose" and "Hiroshima and Nagasaki: A Case Study on Why Not to Bomb Hawaii".

Rating: 2.9/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (20) | Best of IMAO 2006 ~ | Editorials
Now It's Easier to Pester Your Friends with Your IMAO Obsession
Posted by Frank J. at 11:29 AM | Email This

Spacemonkey added the e-mail option to all posts so now you can easily e-mail IMAO links to friends, family, high-trafficked bloggers, and celebrities (hey, I don't know if Michael Moore ever read that hate mail I wrote for him).

Also, since I don't have a permanent link on the side yet, make sure to check out the new IMAO T-Shirt:

BUY NOW!!!

Rating: 2.2/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (20)
Pure genius
Posted by Laurence Simon at 10:24 AM | Email This

One of the techniciansis diagnosing a network connection problem, so he asks the customer for his IP address and his service provider.

He responds with his IP address and "cable."

Not the name of the cable company he gets his access through. Just "cable."

I wonder what he's going to eat for lunch. Will he just go a place called Lunch?

Rating: 2.8/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (14)
Barney Fife, You Will Be Missed.
Posted by spacemonkey at 10:02 AM | Email This


Don Knotts was a comedy hero to me.

Even though the Barney Fife character will live on in reruns and on DVD collections, won't be able to watch them without a tinge of sadness knowing the man behind the badge, the bullet and, yes, the bud nipping has gone on to the Mayberry Eternal.

I, for one, will miss him greatly.

More at Jack Lewis.





Rating: 2.1/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (10)
Give Pete Fenson and His Team a Wheaties Box!
Posted by Frank J. at 09:04 AM | Email This

Though it was for the bronze, the U.S. curling team played a gold-medal quality game against Britain for our first ever medals in curling. Though I knew nothing about curling before watching the Team USA play their first game against Norway in round-robin play, I immediately was hooked. Curling ended up being the only game I really followed during the Olympics, and we were the underdogs in the men's competition (the women's competition was another story; Team USA was a favorite coming in and caught a lot of tough breaks keeping them from the finals), but, near the end, our team tied for first in the round-robin play. And that last game, ever player was near perfect. So congrats to some hard-earned medals, and now SarahK and I are going to have to look into starting a curling club locally.

Rating: 3.0/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (9)
February 26, 2006
Without a Clue
Posted by Laurence Simon at 10:16 PM | Email This

Apparently, there's a slump in board game sales because of the rise of online computer games and the need for quicker gameplay.

You know, we here at IMAO were working on an IMAO version of that Clue game. One evening, we get a little out of hand beating up Spacemonkey, and one of us does him in, and then we wander from room to room with various deadly implements trying to make it look like an accident.

Never did manage to finish the phototype. Harvey kept eating the dice.

Rating: 2.9/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (8)
Klaatu barada nikto!
Posted by Frank J. at 06:45 PM | Email This

Thank heavens it is FINALLY over! Bring on Deal or No Deal, The Apprentice, The Office and My Name Is Earl!
olypicsfff.jpg

The closing ceremony went well until a giant robot from space showed up and began enslaving the medalists.
r1115720ssss194.jpg

Rating: 2.4/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (10)
Go IMAO!
Posted by Cadet Happy at 12:59 PM | Email This

An unidentified IMAO supporter (an i-maoist?) shows his favorite website some love at the bronze medal curling match between the U.S. and Great Britain at the Torino 2006 Winter Olympic Games.

frankstreak.jpg

original

Rating: 2.4/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (18)
Go Palestine!
Posted by Frank J. at 09:59 AM | Email This

Congratulations to the Palestinian curling team for winning gold!
klebdddessr.jpg

Rating: 2.8/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (9) | Best of IMAO 2006
February 25, 2006
Fun Facts About Maryland - The Director's Cut
Posted by Harvey at 08:13 PM | Email This

The version on the IMAO podcast (Feb 13th "It's About Something, We Think") was cut here & there for time & quality reasons.

My unsullied and divinely inspired artistic vision is in the extended entry...

Read More...


Rating: 2.3/5 (33 votes cast)

Comments (14) | Fun Trivia
Don Knotts
Posted by Laurence Simon at 07:43 PM | Email This

One of the creepy things about running a dead pool is that I don't need to read the headlines or watch the news to know that a famous person has died. I just check my stats, slog through the hundreds of hits in an hour for that celebrity's name and the word "dead" with it in a Google search, and I know that there's one more face to be added to the Emmys or Oscars morgue's gallery.

What's even creepier is when people slam the site with a celebrity's name and the word "dead" but the celebrity isn't dead. Horatio Sanz is the most common subject of furious and fast Google searches when someone passes around a new rumor about him.

Anyway, I thought I'd share that bit of information before asking:

What was your favorite Don Knotts movie?

Rating: 3.1/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (21)
Hate Love Filled Open Thread
Posted by spacemonkey at 02:29 PM | Email This

Since we are having a lot of enlightened comment from the left, I would lke to offer this comment thread as a means for you who so desire to offer your advice on how killing babies is a GOOD thing, under the right circumstances.

Put us in our place. Shut us up. Tell us where to go. Perhaps you think we may not realize how dumb we are, this is your golden chance to let us know! All the things that advance your side's arguement. Don't blow it!

By blowing it I mean forgetting to do it with love or forgetting to speak from your happy place.

Listen to me, you fail to speak with love from your happy place, then sadly, you're just going to push us further away from the path of love and enlightenment that you have found. And in the end you'll just look like the hate-filled moron we're sure you probably think you aren't.

We are listening. Spew, I mean speak.

Rating: 2.6/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (27)
First New IMAO T-Shirt Since... Like Forever
Posted by Frank J. at 09:37 AM | Email This

It'a a new IMAO T-Shirt, IMAO's Top 10 U.S. Military Slogans, and it's in a new color from all the other shirts we've had. Go check it out and pre-order because our pets need food. We heard a dog can go a month without eating, but we'd like to feed Rowdi more often than that.

BUY NOW!!!

Rating: 2.9/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (44)
February 24, 2006
Mythbusters Does Instapundit
Posted by Harvey at 06:13 PM | Email This

(A Filthy Lie)

Discovery Channel has a show called "Mythbusters" wherein special-effects experts Adam Savage and Jamie Hyneman examine popular urban legends, constructing elaborate experiments to determine whether they have any basis in fact. For example, if you use a bullet in place of one of your truck's fuses, can it go off and shoot you?

Recently, Adam & Jamie undertook one of their most intriguing investigations to date: Does the cuteness of a puppy actually effect its potency as an energy drink, as claimed by Glenn Reynolds?

First, test puppy A:

ugly dog.jpg

Wow! That's one ugly puppy!

After thorough blending:

blended puppy.jpg

The beverage was fed to an anonymous test subject, known only as F.J:

tired frank.jpg

Hmmm... doesn't look too energetic...

Next, test puppy B:

cute puppy.jpg

Blend! Blend! Blend:

blended puppy.jpg

What does F.J. think about this one?

perky frank.jpg

And there you have it folks, Glenn Reynolds was right: "the cuter the puppy, the better the energy drink"

Be sure to check out Mythbusters next week when they investigate whether worshipping Satan can make your crappy book rise to #1 at Amazon.

Rating: 2.7/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (10) | Filthy Lies
South Dakota Abortion Ban
Posted by Laurence Simon at 02:52 PM | Email This

Well, it looks like South Dakota is about to put the brakes on abortions. This means any of y'all planning on the "Get scraped and head to Mouth Rushmore for the weekend" package deal might want to adjust your itinerary.

May I suggest "Pick up some RU-486 and camp out in Yellowstone" as an alternative? There's nothing like the soothing regularity of watching Old Faithful go off while you wait for your uterus to recover from the aspiration procedure.

Just make sure you don't fall for the "Explore Big Bend and then let a Mexican in a trailer wirehanger your fetus" offer going around. There are some issues with regards to the cleanliness of the instruments as well as difficulty in crossing back and forth over the border.

Remember... if you're going to kill your baby with an unnatural medical procedure, might as well make up for it while backpacking in the great outdoors and cherishing the natural legacy of this country.

Rating: 3.0/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (16)
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 02:51 PM | Email This

If the UAE takes over the ports, how much WMDs will they allow terrorists to smuggle in?

Read More...


Rating: 2.6/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (8) | Fun Trivia
The Answers
Posted by RightWingDuck at 02:42 PM | Email This

Dr. Duck has answers from Wednesday's questions. Obviously these are questions that burn your soul.

What would you guys do without me: except lead productive lives.

Here are the questions and answers.

**

Dr Duck,
What is the point of being FIRST in all IMAO posts? I don't understand the phenomenon at all.
Posted by NMUSpidey at February 22, 2006 04:23 PM

A history lesson: A long time ago, Frank J would keep to a vigorous writing schedule called “I’ll post when I feel like it.” His fans, upon seeing his writing would compete to be the first person to make a comment. This is kind of silly. I mean – would you see this sort of thing anywhere else. ?

President Bush. And that concludes my speech. Any questions?

Helen Thomas: FIRST!!!

President: What is your question?

Helen: Nothing. I’m FIRST! I raised my hand FIRST!

President: Do you have a question.

Helen: No, I just think you should stop killing sweet innocent Iraqi babies.

Why do trolls bother with us? We know how lame we are already, why do they waste their breath?
Posted by spacemonkey

I’ve never understood why people feel they can insult us. We write to entertain ourselves. Most of us don’t take ourselves too seriously, except for Frank who walks around yelling, “Worship me!”. Come to think of it – that’s just not right.

**

How do I keep the stupid cats from being scared of my new dog Rowdi?
Posted by Frank J.

Dogs have a strong sense of smell. It’s very important that your cats smell like something a dog likes. Try covering them in ketchup.
**

Dr. Duck, How retarded does someone have to be to think humans are causing global warming? And just what is wrong with global warming anyway? Might help Denver get to host the Super Bowl one day.
Posted by PaleoMedic

Personally, I’m hoping for more global warming. If it floods, I have property in Arizona that would become beachfront land! I’ll call it Otisberg – or Duckyland. I’m not sure. It’s a good plan. Actually – it’s super.

**

Dr. Duck,
Would it be morally or legally wrong to spray Rowdi with catnip and the cats with rabbit scent for entertainment purposes? If, it is, would it be okay to do just the catnip part?
Posted by MDL

One word: Ketchup.

**

Dear recent convert to the Religion of Peace (TM), will those 72 virgins be wearing burkhas, because if they are, that will be no fun at all.
Posted by motopolitico

Technically speaking, we’re not even sure if the virgins are female. But I’m hoping. I keep thinking it’s some sort of evil trick: Like I’ll kill Laurence Simon and when I get to Allahworld (or whatever it’s called) I’ll get virgins, but then they want me to meet their parents, get a job, bathe. Stuff like that.

**
On a island there is a man who is a barber; this barber shaves all and only those men in the village who do not shave themselves. Question: Does the barber shave himself?
Posted by Dr. Phat Tony

Oh wait. I saw this in a movie. The barber is a kid right? But he doesn’t know he’s dead? And then Bruce Willis kills him again.

Note to self: See more movies. And get a haircut.
**
Dr. Duck,
I'm watching Jean-Luc Godard's weirdas hell classic, "Alphaville." How can I use this information to get chicks?
Belloq

Dr. Duck,
Please disregard my earlier question on Alphaville. I now know I'm a total nerd and will never get chicks other than by mail.

My replacement question is: what is the difference between libertarians and Neo-cons?
Belloq

Grasshopper: I believe you have just made that transition.

**

<

Read More...


Rating: 2.3/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (11)
In the Mail
Posted by Frank J. at 10:43 AM | Email This

Since I'm a very important person, I get sent free stuff in the mail (I even have a PO Box now which I call my "Free Stuff Because I'm Important Box"). More often than not, I don't do anything with it... especially books. Luckily, a publisher sent me an e-mail asking if it would be okay to send me books and saying I'd be under no obligation to even mention them.

Coo'.

So now I have Menace in Europe : Why the Continent's Crisis Is America's, Too by Claire Berlinski which will be available to unimportant people like you on February 28th. I had it sitting around for about a week now, but I finally sat down and read the press release and the first couple pages this morning as I had my coffee. The first chapter was entitled "Europe on Five Dollars a Day and a Flamethrower" which was a good start. Apparently, the author is an American who has spent a lot of time abroad (especially in Europe) and the book is about how European Muslims are a growing threat and that Europe's culture is not helping (and, when she says Europe, she means Western Europe). Early on, Berlinski predicts that another attack will occur in America soon and that the perpetrators will be Muslims from Europe.

Well, the first few pages have enticed me to read more. I don't know very much about Europe other than broad generalization (e.g. the French like to surrender and don't bathe), and the writing style of the book is quite entertaining while promising to be quite educational. I'll tell you as I read more (or if I end up getting bored).

Yay to free books I may or may not read!

Rating: 2.7/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (8)
An IMAO tribute to African-American History Month
Posted by Laurence Simon at 09:27 AM | Email This

Q: When James Brown sang Papa's Got A Brand New Bag, was the bag paper or plastic?

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Rating: 3.6/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (8)
Can't Have Just Anybody Reading Me
Posted by Frank J. at 09:13 AM | Email This

Michelle Malkin is back up and running, and now you can see posts from her favorite twenty blogs thanks to Technorati. I'm not on that list, as Malkin wants to keep the humor of IMAO to herself. I'm the same way; the funniest things I've ever written I don't post but instead printout and hide the printout so only I will ever have read it.

This reminds me; I need to get a blogroll up on IMAO again... or maybe separate blogrolls for each IMAO author. This time, it will be more exclusive... in fact, the greatest honor any blog could have is being on the IMAO blogroll. Less people will be honored with that than who won the Nobel Prize!

Rating: 2.8/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (8)
Friday Catblogging
Posted by Laurence Simon at 09:00 AM | Email This

Since it's Friday, I thought I'd spread the joy of humor-free, apolitical Friday Catblogging to IMAO (aka "I-MEOW").

Sure, some of the IMAO bloggers have cats, but apparently I'm the only one of them brave enough to Friday Catblog. Maybe they're worried that Japanese will riot and burn down Hello Kitty stores or something.

Anyway, today it's Frisky the Fluffball:

If you're not sure how this absurd scene pertains to IMAO, since IMAO is famous for that "political humor" thing, it doesn't. If you must have some semblance of politics or humor in everything you read here, just assume that Frisky is... um...

Help me out here. Make your suggestions in the comments how this scene is, in fact, a political allegory.

(For more animal goodness, try Friday Ark today and Carnival of the Cats will be this upcoming Sunday, so send your catblogging links to submissions @ carnivalofthecats.com.)

Rating: 2.5/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (12) | Friday Cat-Blogging
February 23, 2006
Carnival of Comedy #43 is Looking Very Presidential
Posted by spacemonkey at 10:44 PM | Email This

Conservathink has the current Carnival of Comedy and it's hosted by the letter

W

Rating: 3.3/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (8)
American Idol 5 first results show
Posted by sarahk at 09:27 PM | Email This

(crossposted from mm)

the opening banter between Simon and Ryan was funny.

btw, i usually don't blog the results show, but i just got so sucked in when they did the Eagles song, and Taylor harmonized, and i started we're-not-worthying. plus Chris was so great on that song, and so was Elliot. btw, when Elliot smiles and gets all excited, he looks a bit like Lair. and no, i'm not just saying that because they're both Jooish. besides, i have no official confirmation that Elliot's Jooish, because only an anonymous commenter told me so.

Read More...


Rating: 3.6/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (5) | SarahK's TV stuff
somebody's gonna get sued . . .
Posted by Cadet Happy at 07:26 PM | Email This

brkbackspcemtn.jpg
via laurence

Rating: 2.6/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (16)
This Is Your Brain; This Is Your Brain on Ports
Posted by Frank J. at 03:04 PM | Email This

The more I learn about this issue with the ports, the more I learn I don't know anything from which to form an opinion. Despite my capitalistic instincts, I would have assumed the U.S. government ran our ports. As for reality, I don't know what "owning" a port entails. I could probably look that up, but it sounds boring. Thus, I don't trust Congress on this issue, because people in Congress seem to be dumber and have shorter attention spans than me.

Anyway, the UAE seems like moderate Muslims in that, deep down, they want to kill us all and force Islam upon the world, but they have better things to do. They're a modern economy, and I don't really see them sacrificing that to blow a few things up.... even to kill Jews. Plus, they are an ally.

Still, they have radical Muslim beliefs. If selling the port were like contracting out our airline security, I'd be against it even if I found it highly unlikely for the UAE to sponsor attacks against us. But, if selling out ports to them is no more dangerous than selling them the Dairy Queen down the street, then I don't see any problem ("Now that they control how many pieces of crushed Butterfinger go in our Blizzards™, they'll be able to kill us all!").

Since I don't know, it would seem the safe thing to do would be against selling the ports since it's like I'm going to make any money from it. Still, if selling the UAE the ports is inconsequential to security, to deny them would kinda be a slight when we need allies. It would be like, "I'm not selling my Hyundai Santa Fe because you're a Muslim!" That could hurt feelings, and hurting people's feeling is wrong when it isn't especially humorous.

I really need someone smarter to steal an opinion from here, but anyone who understands this issue entirely must have spent lots of time reading really boring stuff, and people who spend lots of time reading really boring stuff are suspect to me.

I think I won't have an opinion on this. I can do that, right?

UPDATE: If you come to IMAO to get your opinions and thus need my opinion, I currently lack a coin to flip. Any suggestions?

UPDATE 2: The Ubeliever had pointed out this page where I can flip virtual coins. Now, the question is what coin should I use and what should being for the port be heads or tails? Should I put up a poll? Should I put up a poll on having a poll?

Not having an opinon and trying to artificially manufacture one is hard...

Rating: 1.7/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (32)
Port Quagmire May Cause Armagedden
Posted by spacemonkey at 12:00 PM | Email This

I'm afraid the entire port issue has devolved into a quagmire. Sure, you know things are going screwy when Jimmy Carter is coming in on the side of the president but that's not what has really caused the whole thing to go south. What was the tipping point? The moment that president George W. Bush threatened to do what he swore never to do while he was president, use the Veto. I remember what he said during his inauguration, the first one i think.

...and uphold and defend the constitution...

,and that's when he drifted into a trance, got that far away look, and said ..
...but never, EVER use the accursed veto because for its use has been forever tainted by traitors and commies like Clinton, and terrorist appeasers like Carter and I'm no commie traitor or terrorist appeaser. But if I ever DO use the veto or even threaten to do so, it shall be a sign to all that the End of Days is near. Other signs will be prior to this a high ranking Republican will shoot another Republican, possibly in the face, perhaps with a gun that use some sort of shot...
Going back to these words I heard spoken during that solemn ceremony I knew things had reached critical mass. To forestall the coming apocolypse only one course can be taken. In accordance with prophecy, the ports in question must be ritually cleansed with unmarked 100 dollar bills, (you can mail them to me) and then destroyed by 'the fire that lights the sun.'' When this is complete the ritual slaughter of all who published an opinion about the issue, whether for it or against it, can commence in earnest. Oh and we can attack and colonize the UAE. We can just scratch out the E and stick an 'S' between the U and the A on all their stuff. Don't they have oil? With Arab in the name they've practivcally GOT to. Yeah we can take that too.

In retrospect maybe saying the world wlil end if he uses the veto and swearing not to use it are two different things, but he was being sworn in when I heard him say it. But no thinking person would say this is an administration that wants to go in the history books as being the one that caused the end of the world.

Don't forget to email me for the address to the send those c-notes for me to use for, uh, all the port cleansing stuff.

Rating: 2.7/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (14)
Why Is Everyone Always After Malkin?
Posted by Frank J. at 11:39 AM | Email This

She'll be posting at PJM until the DoS attack is solved. When they find those involved, they should DoS attack their heads with a two-by-four.

But non-violently; violence is wrong.

Rating: 1.7/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (14)
Maybe the TSA isn't as dumb as we thought?
Posted by Laurence Simon at 11:39 AM | Email This

Let me get this straight... a man's shirt erupted into flames after he was shot with a Taser?

Dennis Crouch had already slashed himself. And when he refused to drop his knife, Daytona Beach police Officer Betsy Cassidy decided she had no choice.

"Taser! Taser!" Cassidy shouted as she sent a two-pronged wire, packing 50,000 volts, at Crouch's chest. What happened next stunned everyone.

Um... do cops shout "GUN! GUN!" before shooting someone with their sidearm?

A Taser probe pierced the pocket of his khaki shirt -- and ignited the butane lighter inside. Cassidy's pocket exploded in flames.

And now you know why they ban lighters on airplanes, folks.

Well, those and really sharp knives. Because they're a somewhat deadly combination when you have to Taser them.

Speaking by cell phone from his hospital bed Tuesday, Crouch said he had been drinking at the time and didn't remember everything that happened the night before.

Oh, I forgot. They ban drunk people, too. Nothing's worse than Tasering Johnny Sixpack waving a knife around and turning him into Johnny Fireball.

Rating: 1.4/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (8)
I Want to Kill All Americans and Turn The Entire World into One Muslim State, But That Will Not Affect How We Run the Ports
An Editorial by President Khalifa bin Zayid al-Nuhayyan of the United Arab Emirates
Posted by Frank J. at 11:05 AM | Email This

 As many of you now know, a company owned by my country is about to buy a number of your ports. Any rational look at this deal will see that it benefits both our countries, but, of course, many of you stupid infidels are all opposing this even though you don't understand the slightest thing about it. This whole controversy just makes me want to wipe out all you moron crusaders all the more, but please understand that this port deal is much more important to us than the eventual victory of Islam over the entire world, Allah willing.

"This [controversy] makes me so mad, I want to murder all you Americans in your sleep... until I remember the economic implications of that."

 Get one thing straight, this has nothing to do with port security. Your own Zionist-aligned government does all of that, you abominations to my sight. It's not like because we run a couple cranes in America that suddenly we can sneak in some nerve gas, you idiots. Even if we could, how suicidal do you think we are? If we let terrorists use the ports, it's not like it would take Sherlock Holmes to trace that back to us since we own them. Do you know how rich I am? Do you really think I want to be hiding in some spider hole like that ass Saddam? Of course, I'm using logic that would take a moment's reflection, something that's a little too advance for you mindless critics. This makes me so mad, I want to murder all you Americans in your sleep... until I remember the economic implications of that.

 And stop bringing up how two of the 9/11 hijackers came from here; is America responsible for every one of its citizens? If you think the UAE was involved with in planning 9/11, then come out and say it so I can strangle you for your lies. Yes, I cheered for a moment at the deaths of so many infidels... until I remembered how much business we do in New York! My country has a huge per capita income, but it's honestly not the most solid in the world. Implications of us involved in terrorism could knock us over the edge, and, if you took a poll of our citizens, you'd see a near majority consider economic stability more important than mass murder. As much as I want you all to die, we have our own housing bubble to worry about over here. Do any of you understand that? Sometimes I think I'd have to use a pipe bomb to get through your thick skulls.

 And honestly, how many of you knew your ports weren't owned by Americans before all this? I swear, if any of you raise your hands, I'll cut them off. None of you knew anything about the ports until the talking heads and harlots jumped on this issue, and suddenly all of you are like, "Oh no! The Arabs are going to run our ports and they want to kill us all!" Hell yes, we want to kill you all, but it's not like we could fit that in our business plan. Have any of you looked at our business plan? Of course not. Holy Allah, I so want to strangle you all!

 All I want you stupid infidels to understand is that this deal is all business. All thing being equal, I would stab you all repeatedly and then behead you, but that is not a money making venture. So stop your stupid mouth flapping before you make us so mad that we seriously begin considering using your ports to kill you.

Khalifa bin Zayid al-Nuhayyan is the President of the United Arab Emirates and likes to watch horse and camel racing and plot the destruction of Israel between business ventures.

Rating: 2.4/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (17) | Best of IMAO 2006 ~ | Editorials
In My World: Presidential Inquiry
Posted by Frank J. at 09:55 AM | Email This

Bush looked up from his desk to Cheney. "Hey, Dick, is this whole selling the ports to the UAE just some plot to get the public to accept the ports actually being bought by Halliburton?"

"Whittington asked lots of questions," Cheney answered, cleaning his shotgun.

"Uh... I'm going to go back to working on the word jumble in today's paper."

"You do that."

Rating: 1.7/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (10) | In My World
Hot Dog
Posted by Frank J. at 09:28 AM | Email This

No more leaving for work, locking the door, and realizing I frogot my sunglasses and then heading back in. That's just toturing poor Rowdi.

Anyway, I wish the cats would get over their fear of the giant beast with the massive teeth because I want my dog to be able to follow me throughout the house. I hate keeping her in the kitchen, especially since the AC seemed to have stopped working yesterday (anyone know how to debug AC?). We got a Gentle Leader (no, it's not some sort of Asian Communist dicator) to help train her and maybe keep her in control when the cats are ready enough to see her and not freak. We put the neck strap on as instructed, but the sound of her breathing changes (though she doesn't seem to mind). Anyone ever use one?

Sorry about the blegging, but we're worried about our dog. She just wants to be good and be loved, and we don't want to screw up our end.

Rating: 1.7/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (16)
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 09:06 AM | Email This

When the U.S. government made Black History Month the shortest month of the year, what man was it trying to keep down?

Read More...


Rating: 2.6/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (7) | Fun Trivia
February 22, 2006
National Black History Month
Posted by Laurence Simon at 11:50 PM | Email This

Okay, so some of you have been wondering why we haven't done anything on National Black History Month. Well, besides the fact that we're all a bunch of white guys (with one white gal who's pretty), there's the fact that any attempt to come up with anything funny about National Black History Month by non-blacks would be considered racist.

Or, as Oliver Willis puts it: RACIST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As the Token Jew of IMAO, I feel a bond with all sorts of other tokens in our society, especially token blacks. After all, weren't Jews slaves to the Egyptians under Pharaoh Ramses? Didn't each of us have our era of domination in the NBA? And the boxing ring? And weren't Jews shipped to the New World in gigantic boats?

(Okay, so we weren't chained up and sold like livestock. Except for those of us in show business.)

So with all this in mind... um... err...

Sammy Davis Junior! Sammy Davis Junior! Sammy Davis Junior!

There. I did it. You thought I couldn't do it, but I did it.

Remember, it's National Black History Month for the rest of the month. And it's a non-leap year, so you're getting ripped off with just 28 days of National Black History Month instead of 29 days of National Black History Month.

Thank you, and peace out.

Rating: 1.7/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (12)
American Idol 5 top 12 guys
Posted by sarahk at 11:36 PM | Email This

Paula wants unique and different. not just unique. not just different. she wants that unique performance that's also different from the others. and that different performance that is also unique. got that?

Randy wants the dawgs to bring it.

Simon wants to hear about your suntan.

Read More...


Rating: 2.4/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (5) | SarahK's TV stuff
War On Terror Greeting Card
Posted by Harvey at 09:19 PM | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

Wandering about the greeting card aisle this last Valentine's Day, I was struck by the fact that there seems to be a card for almost every occasion.

Except the War on Terror.

It occurs to me that Hallmark could make a killing if they expanded their offerings a bit, for example:



The Osama Fatwa Card:

Infidels! You make me mad!
Praising Allah's not so bad.
You must do things Islam's way,
Listen now to what I say.

Pray five times toward Mecca town
Women covered with a gown
No more pork and no free speech
No bikinis on the beach

Obey me lest I chop your head
Blow you up, and make you dead.
I return to my cave now after that.
To dine upon this tasty rat.

YUM!

Love,
Osama



If nothing else, it'd save the terrorists the trouble of making all those badly-dubbed Osama podcasts.

Rating: 2.7/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (4) | Precision Guided Humor Assignments
Ask Dr. Duck - I'm here to help...
Posted by RightWingDuck at 04:08 PM | Email This

This is a cold confusing world isn't it? Well, close the DOOR! Do you think we're made of money?

Anyway, it's time for Ask Dr. Duck: The segment I do each week (yup, I've decided to make it a regular post) where I offer my love and guidance. Well - my guidance at least.

Do you have a question on your mind? Love? Life? Relationships? Politics?

The Doctor is in. Remember, I'm just like a real doctor except I have no credentials and no training.

Disclaimer: Dr. Duck is not a real doctor. He's also not a real duck. But he is Mexican and has darker skin than Bryant Gumbel. But then again, so does Michael Jackson. Bryant is funny - I hope he says something again. Anyway, Dr. Duck's advice is offered for entertainment purposes - should you choose to follow any of his advice - now THAT would be entertainment. Results guaranteed or your money back. No refunds. Store credit only. IMAO has a strict policy that says, "You break it - you buy it." Questions may be submitted by posting in comments, by email at rightwingduck at yahoo dotcom or by snail mail: RWD, North Pole - C/O Santa Claus.

Answers posted on Friday.

Rating: 2.1/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (27)
Guess I Picked Out the Wrong Size Doggy Door
Posted by Frank J. at 03:50 PM | Email This

doortoosmall.jpg

Write your own caption!

Rating: 1.8/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (36)
Carvinal Off Codemy Redminer
Posted by spacemonkey at 03:16 PM | Email This

Damian G. (whihc wlli bee teh olny wrod II spel corectly inn thsi psot) wili bee hsoting teh carvinal of codemy att Conservastink onn thrusday.

Marhc 2nd - #44 -: Christobal att Platopuke Socialitis.
Mrach 9th- #45 - Bobb att Ether Ore
Mcrah 16th - #46 - Been att Been's Raints

Wnat too hoset? emale mee att spaazemunkey@imao.us wtih "Hose Carvinal Off Codemy" asthe snubject.

Wnat too inter? Goe heer, oar hear ore weel bea misupelling Eeew neckst!

Rating: 2.6/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (5)
Sometimes It's Hard to Come Up with a Clever Little Title for Everything
Posted by Frank J. at 02:57 PM | Email This

Lots of stuff came up today, so your regularly scheduled In My World™ will have to wait until tomorrow.

The wacky comment SarahK found reminds me that I have a DVD of an interview Sgt. Joe foo' the Marine gave to a local station in Idaho in December. It's half an hour long with two thirds of the show about Toys for Tots, but, in the first third, my brother tells all about his experience in Iraq, what it was like dealing with Iraqis, about being a translator (foo' taught himself to speak Arabic on his own time), and about when his group found a giant (perhaps the largest found) weapons cache... which even had a prisoner kept there. What software do I need to rip the video from the DVD, and how much can I legally show before I have to ask permission (I know that people like the Political Teen post clips from shows all the time)?

Finally, we are busy at work recording for the next podcast. It looks like it should be a funny one (for once!). Keep waiting with bated breath.

BTW, this could totally sink the Bush Administration if true.

Rating: 2.6/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (9)
What were the other five Commandments?
Posted by Laurence Simon at 02:13 PM | Email This

With the Mohammed Cartoons backlash crap still flowing around, thanks to various ill-tempered imams viciously stirring up their illiterate and ignorant angry followers in a plethora of the globe's finest armpits, I got to thinking about the rather humorous mockery of an actual prophet... by one of his semi-devout and more-than-famous followers, no less!

From History of the World - Part I, I bring you the comedy stylings of Mel Brooks:

MOSES: The Lord, the Lord Jehovah has given unto you these fifteen...

*CRASH*

MOSES: Oy! Ten! Ten commandments for all to obey!

My question is a simple one:: What were the other five Commandments?

Rating: 1.3/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (27)
Good to Know
Posted by Frank J. at 01:48 PM | Email This

So Glenn Reynolds is going to send me an autographed copy of his new book.

Rating: 2.7/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (10)
You could say that Diana and Dodi had a photo finish
Posted by Laurence Simon at 12:46 PM | Email This

Just in case you're wondering, after nine years of legal wrestling and wrangling, it all boils down to this: the penalty for chasing a British ex-princess and her boyfriend to death is one euro.

Before you get any bright ideas, keep in mind that's one euro each for the three photographers convicted of chasing Diana and Dodi to their doom, not together.

Leave it to the French to come up with a punishment that doesn't begin to cover the horrifying curcumstances with which two humans were driven to their deaths by professional parasites, let alone the fact that the three euro coins they're collecting won't even cover the deceaseds' long rotted-out eyes completely.

Rating: 2.2/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (5)
American Idol 5 top 12 girls
Posted by sarahk at 10:10 AM | Email This

(crossposted from mountaineer musings)

i was watching curling, taking a long, hot bath and hitting an early pillow last night, so i'm just now watching Idol. which means i didn't vote, so if the right girl doesn't get kicked off, i don't get to complain. haha, yeah right. i'll moan and groan and yell and kick, and poor Frank will have to listen to me. y'all will too, unless your scroll bars are working.

Read More...


Rating: 2.4/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (6) | SarahK's TV stuff
But are there pedicures in Iraq?
Posted by sarahk at 07:09 AM | Email This

Jim Tarver, who missed the social studies class about communism, writes... (edited for language)

Why don't you pinkos go and fight the wars? Because you're pinkos. You f@g war whimps need to get over the thought that poor kids can fight your battles for you. So, pick your sorry pinkytoes up and go fight the wars if you want. Just leave the rest of us to live our lives in peace.

You're totally right, Jim. You've really turned me around here.

Rating: 2.7/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (33) | I Hate Frank
February 21, 2006
frank has been forced to go to extreme measures to control his slobbering mutt
Posted by Cadet Happy at 01:49 PM | Email This

context

Rating: 2.6/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (6)
Super Happy Fun Partial Birth Abortion FAQ!
Posted by Frank J. at 12:23 PM | Email This

The Supreme Court is going to take another look at the Constitutionality of bans on partial birth abortion (I guess the new press preferred term is now "a type of late-term abortion"). To help in everyone's understand of the issue (and IMAO is nothing if not a tool for education) I've gotten a doctor who performs late-term abortions to answer questions about this controversy.

THE SUPER HAPPY FUN PARTIAL BIRTH ABORTION FAQ

Q. Critics call it partial birth abortion. Is that name accurate?
A. The actual medical term for this procedure is "Dilation and Extraction" or simply D&X. The term "partial-birth abortion" was manufactured by opponents of women's health in an attempts to create controversy about the simple procedure of partially delivering a baby and sucking its brains out.

Q. Why don't you call it "brain sucking abortion" instead of D&X?
A. Because that's not medical sounding. Sucking out a baby's brains is a complicated process and requires a complicated name.

Q. Don't babies need brains?
A. It considers what purpose you have in mind for said babies.

Q. Does sucking out a baby's brains cause the baby pain?
A. No. The baby would be too distracted from the pain of being stabbed in the head with scissors (used to make the needed hole in the head) to notice the start of the suction.

Q. How was this procedure invented?
A. A doctor was once watching a horror movie in which aliens attacked earth and sucked people's brains out. He then said, "Hey! We could do that to babies!" I think his name was Steve.

Q. Since the whole body is already out, why not just pull the head out and deliver the baby?
A. For one thing, that defeats the whole point of an abortion. Also, about any doctor could do that, so I simply couldn't charge as much for that procedure. Finally, if I'm just delivering babies, what in the world am I supposed to do with the brain sucking device I spent good money on?

Q. Why not fully deliver the baby and then suck out the brains?
A. Babies that have been fully delivered tend to squirm more and also make more noise. Beyond the practical considerations, though, it's only legally considered an "abortion" if the brains are sucked out while the baby is still partially in the mother. Otherwise, it's "infanticide" which is frowned upon in some cultures.

Q. Do you favor legalizing infanticide?
A. Absolutely not. Then if would be perfectly legal to throw live babies in dumpsters, and it's not like I can charge a high fee for that either.

Q. Some people say it's morally wrong to suck out a baby's brains. What do you say to that?
A. Then why does it feel so right?

Q. I thought the whole point of sucking out the brain matter was to collapse the skull and make the dead fetus easier to deliver, especially in cases of hydrocephalus?
A. Hey, if you want the skull collapsed, that costs extra. The base cost just covers sucking out the brains. Look at the fine print.

Q. Opponents to D&X say that the procedure it never needed to protect a mother's health. What are your views on this?
A. I think that misses the entire point. Whether to have your baby's brains sucked out is a personal choice that should be left between a woman and her doctor. Some say it should be between a woman and her doctor and God, but He tends to be judgmental on these sorts of things and is best left out of the loop. Actually, if He asks, say you had a miscarriage. He might not buy that being this so late in the pregnancy, but it's worth a shot. Whatever you tell Him, though, don't mention my name.

Q. Should the baby have any say in this?
A. It won't after its brains have been sucked out.

Q. Are you ever afraid of being attacked by anti-abortion extremists?
A. If anyone ever tries to blow up my clinic, my staff will hold him down and I'll suck out his brains. I even have a sign out front that says so.

Q. How did you ever get into this line of work in the first place?
A. I've never liked babies (probably goes back to that time I was in a nursery and a pack of them jumped me and stole my wallet), so it just fit. Also, the DeBrainer 2000 salesman was really pushy, and, once you have a brain suction device, what else are you going to do with it?

Q. What are your views on the Constitutionality of D&X?
A. I truly believe that the right to suck the brains out of babies is Constitutionally protected. Admittedly, it's not in there explicitly, but you gotta read between the lines on that document. Don't just take my word for it, though; go read the Fourteenth Amendment over and over and soon you'll start thinking of sucking out brains.

Rating: 3.3/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (52) | Best of IMAO 2006
In Europe, the Moonbats Would Be Locked Up for Claiming that Their Speech Is Being Opressed
Posted by Frank J. at 11:09 AM | Email This

This whole burning buildings and killing each other (and so far, it's just Muslims killing Muslims) over a couple cartoons is crazy beyond belief, but Europe can't sit too high on its horse saying they were just practicing free speech when they're still locking up some people for the same. Yeah, denying the Holocaust is dumb, but imprisoning someone for stupidity? People like that should be posting on DU, but instead they're making this guy a martyr.

I think a lot of Americans would be surprised at the laws in European countries on speech and other things. Europe doesn't have a Bill of Rights, and it shows. In Britain, if someone breaks into your house and tries to rob, rape, and/or kill you, you'll be imprisioned if you respond with anything other than a harshly worded letter (but not too harsh - see hate speech laws).

I would like to see a catalogue of laws in European countries that violate human rights - limits to speech and self-defense, specifically. Unlike a lot of other countries, they can get over their primitive state through voting and not just military intervention (not that we should take that off the table). America and Europe should be friends, and real friends tell you when you have bad breath so you can do something about it.

Rating: 2.5/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (34)
How not to diagnose your PC
Posted by Laurence Simon at 10:02 AM | Email This

Okay, so there I was, sitting in my chair and wondering why the catcams froze up around 10:08 yesterday morning. Program just upped-and-died, as we say here in Texas.

Last time that happened, the program locked up because it couldn't save to my D drive. Funny things, D drives. But not so funny when they have a spot of corruption so bad that they can't read or write in a particular location.

Praise Moses for backups, I suppose.

This time, there's no tell-tale grumbling or crunching sounds inside the case. So, it's time to make the beast jump through a few hoops.

First, I run the usual scandisk and defrag. Then I do the hard drive diagnostics.

Everything's fine, says the SMART thingy.

After that, I run the computer through the diagnostic tests over and over for half an hour.

It's fine, peachy-keen and dandy.

Finally, I check for the usual round of upgrades and patches, but everything's current.

So I wake up this morning, flip on the computer, and run it through its usual morning check of the headlines and such.

I listen to the case: "Buzz... buzz... buzz..."

What the? Hard drive failing? Controller out of whack?

I start up the diangostics again, but everything's clear.

It's when I realize that my cell phone is on top of the case and it's buzzing for my 6:10 wakeup alarm that I decide it was all just an error in the nut between the chair and the keyboard.

Rating: 2.5/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (13)
It's Big, It's Metal, It's Home
Posted by Frank J. at 09:50 AM | Email This

A lot of people are convinced that Rowdi is part pit bull (we know she's part German Shepherd) from looking at her picture, so she is no longer a mutt but instead is a purebred Shepit.

Luckily PetSmart refunded us for the kennel Rowdi broke out of. SarahK then picked out this gigantic all steel cage. It folds up and has handles so you can carry it around, but it weighs a ton so the only reason you'd want to do that is if you really needed a hernia. Rowdi loves it. Apparently being able to see out in all directions is a plus (I thought she'd want something more sheltered), and it's so big she could get lost in it. As soon as we lined the bottom with blankets, Rowdi went in and laid down. SarahK was like, "Aww, she likes her new room and... what's that she has? That's the package of tortillas I just bought!"

When we locked her up for the night (which we're going to have to do until we can trust she won't chase the cats all over the house and inadvertently destroy everything), she didn't even seem to mind. If she did, I don't think even Superdog could break out of that thing.

Anyway, SarahK has to bring Rowdi back to the shelter today to get one of those microchips implanted in her (Rowdi, not Sarah). We're only afraid that Rowdi might think SarahK's bringing her back to leave her there. I told Sarah to take the cats with her and see if she could trade them for another dog, but she said no.

As for the cats, the keep jumping up on the kitchen bar to take glimpses of Rowdi and then run away. If they don't get over their fear of Rowdi soon, I think we'll just lock them in the cage along with Rowdi and then go to Disneyworld for the day while things settle themselves.

Rating: 3.7/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (12)
Stopped Clocks and What-Not
Posted by Frank J. at 09:21 AM | Email This

Wow. The first part of this post at The Daily Kos almost looks like something I might write. It's good to see liberals being a bit (purposely) funny at times instead of just angry.

Rating: 1.8/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (12)
February 20, 2006
24 Day 5 -- 3:00 p.m.
Posted by sarahk at 11:47 PM | Email This

it's the Jack Bauer Power Hour! complete with graphic violence! spoilers below the fold...

Read More...


Rating: 3.3/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (7) | SarahK's TV stuff
oh no you didn't!
Posted by Frank J. at 08:59 PM | Email This


context

Rating: 2.5/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (11)
Don't Make Her Happy... You Won't Like Her When She's Happy
Posted by Frank J. at 06:25 PM | Email This

I guess it's on the next tougher grade kennel for Rowdi.

All she wanted to do was greet SarahK at the door!

Too bad she wasn't out long enough to freak out the cats.

Rating: 2.9/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (8)
HA!! Take THAT!!
Posted by RightWingDuck at 05:00 PM | Email This

Yes, and they said I was insane for ironing my mail...

take a look at this!!

Sure, my junk mail could do without the starching, but still -

You never know!

Rating: 2.6/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (5)
The Moon Must Be Punished
Posted by Frank J. at 03:22 PM | Email This

I had heard of a comic in which The Punisher killed everyone in the Marvel universe, but I didn't realize it involved him nuking the moon:

Image 1
Image 2
Image 3

(hat tip to reader Jack)

Rating: 1.5/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (4)
Heh
Posted by Frank J. at 02:07 PM | Email This

Dogbert on hybrids.

Rating: 0.8/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (5)
The Quail Hunting Incident Is Symbolic of Everything That's Right with the Bush Administration
An Editorial by Frank J.
Posted by Frank J. at 12:30 PM | Email This

 As soon as I heard that Cheney shot a man in the face, my immediate reaction was, "This is why I voted for Bush." I've had my doubts about President Bush at times, but, as this incident unfolded, it's reminded me of everything that's great about his administration.

"You can sum up the Bush Administration as one big hunting accident, and that's why I love them."

 First off, this incident involves guns. Gun rights are important to this nation, and even Democrats pay lip service to gun owners by saying they support hunting. Cheney didn't just support hunting, though, but also demonstrated the most important purpose of guns - shooting people. The Bush Administration doesn't just support guns for sport, they support gun use for self-defense.

 One of the worst things about the Democrats is how they are beholden to trial lawyers - a scourge to our country with their constant lawsuits trying to ruin people and drive companies out of business. The Bush Administration, on the other hand, will shoot lawyers in the face - WITH A SHOTGUN! - even if they're supporters. Now that is the action of people not ruled by special interests.

 Also, look who did the shooting. It was Dick Cheney, a seasoned hunter. President George W. Bush has surrounded himself with many people good at what they do, so, instead of Bush wasting time shooting quails and lawyers himself, he left that to who knew it best. It was also left up to him whether to notify the Washington press corps, and he wisely chose not to since those people are dumb and all information is wasted on them.

 Some may say that how the quail got away while the innocent lawyer (or, as innocent as lawyers get) took the blast in the face is symbolic of how Osama got away while we accidentally bombed that orphanage full of puppies, but, to me, it reminds me of how the Bush administration is determined to at least try and get the terrorists (quails) even in detriment to their own friends (specifically, Whittington).

 Finally, there's how Cheney didn't pay for that seven dollar hunting stamp, which is another example of the Bush Administration's contempt for excessive taxes. Yes, Cheney did eventually make out a check for seven dollars, but I hear he wrote "I hope you choke on this!" on the memo line.

 So, all in all, I guess you can sum up the Bush Administration as one big hunting accident, and that's why I love them.

Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is a frequent contributor to IMAOPodcast.com. He is also the author of such books as "Not in the Face! - A Day with Dick Cheney" and "Extermination at All Costs: The Case Against Quails".

Rating: 2.8/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (14) | Best of IMAO 2006 ~ | Editorials
International Eat An Animal For PETA Day
Posted by Laurence Simon at 11:11 AM | Email This

I just wanted to give y'all a heads up that the Fourth Annual International Eat An Animal For PETA Day is coming up on Wednesday March 15th, 2006.

Meryl Yourish started the Eat an Animal For PETA Day back in 2003 in reaction to the idiotic "Holocaust On Your Plate" campaign comparing chicken coops to deathcamps, and it's gone International since then. Hence, the word "International" in the event's name.

Anyway, a site is in the works to help people organize gathering-places in various cities for eating animals together. It will also allow people to post links to their own blog entries on eating animals.

Oh, and putting a putting a puppy in a blender and drinking it counts. It's gross, but it counts. (Maybe that's why SarahK and FrankJ got the new puppy?)

I look forward to the participation of the various IMAO bloggers and the loyal IMAO audience in this noble cause.

Rating: 2.3/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (44)
Ok, So Dead, Then?
Posted by spacemonkey at 10:56 AM | Email This

Osama has issued another audiotape (why never a cd or an mp3 file?) apparantly it's a slam against Saddam for being captured so easily, basically OBL says "I'll never be captured alive." That leaves being captured dead, and I think I, at least, can live with that.

Partial transcript.:

...Haha, that's right, American infidels, if you ever dig me out of my cave, you'd better be ready to meet Allah, because I'll be ready to make the intro, know how? Because that grenede I'll be clutching will already have the pin pulled. You'll be all, "look we got him, we got Osama, quick take my picture", then, BLAMMO. 73 virgins for me, I got upgraded, I'm a frequent Jihadi, and eternal hellfire for you!
...
snip
...
Oh noooo, you won't be delousing me or checking my teeth on video, noooo and degrading me like you did ol' Spiderhole man, the big baby, noooo. Not that you'd find any lice on me. They really are a significant source of protein!  the experience is not unlike eating popcorn, popcorn that you find crawling on a friends scalp. But that is not the point. The point is when I go down, I'm taking as many of you with me as... [distant rumbles]....  infidels I got to go..[sound of squeaking].. the cave rats are running in towards us.... away from the bombs, there'll be fresh meat tonight, yum! Oh, and don't forget, read Chomsky!   I do!

Religion of PEACE OUT

So, bagged and tagged instead of cuffed and stuffed. I applaud him for saying that, that's the way I've wanted it all along, the dead part not the taking some of us with him part. Of course, "Hussein in the membrane" said something similar, back before we nabbed him and got him addicted to Cheetos.

Rating: 2.3/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (3)
Question
Posted by Frank J. at 10:42 AM | Email This
Osama bin Laden promised never to be captured alive and declared the U.S. had resorted to the same "repressive" tactics used by Saddam Hussein, according to an audiotape purportedly by the Al Qaeda leader that was posted Monday on a militant Web site.

link

Now that Osama bin Laden is denoucing Saddam Hussein (albeit to take shots at America) is it now all right for the American left to do the same?

Rating: 2.2/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (3)
Seems Like An Important Story... But It Doesn't Involve Cheney Shooting Anyone
Posted by Frank J. at 09:48 AM | Email This

So what's all this with the Middle East now controlling our ports?

I'm angry at Bush on this one for putting me on the same side as Chuck Schumer; that makes me feel dirty.

Rating: 1.1/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (11)
The Last Dog Post Until the Next One
Posted by Frank J. at 08:43 AM | Email This

Rowdi was only liking the toys I've given her so-so, but then I bought a stuffed monkey toy. She immediately chomped down on it to crush its bones and then tossed it in her water bowl to drown it.

Good dog!

Rowdi is like the perfect dog (calm, sweet, obedient, already house-trained, hardly ever barks) with the only problem being that the cats are scared of her. My solution to that is to put both cats in a burlap sack and throw them in a bog. I honestly don't know where to buy a burlap sack, though, but I bet I could find the nearest bog using Google. SarahK vetoed that idea, though.

Instead, we've penned off the kitchen and made that Rowdi's area. The cat's get the rest of the house since they were here first. Also, the kitchen gate is situated so that the cats will never see the dog unless they choose to go over and see her (which Sydney, being both dumb and brave, has done a couple times). Hopefully the cats will get over their fear in not too long, because I really want to let Rowdi have full run of the house. I don't know about you, but to me the main point of a dog is for her to lay at your feet chewing a toy while you watch TV.

Anyway, wish SarahK luck. She has to take care of and walk big happy Rowdi until I get home from work today.

Rating: 3.2/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (13)
February 19, 2006
Non-dog Open Thread
Posted by spacemonkey at 07:44 PM | Email This

Because it had be done.

Rating: 1.1/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (18)
we're changing the dog's name
Posted by sarahk at 01:19 PM | Email This

1) because Brownie is a stupid name for a blonde dog, or any dog for that matter (they must have let the kids name her), and 2) because we both keep accidentally calling her "Rowdy", because she resembles J.D.'s and Turk's "dog" on Scrubs.

so her new name is Rowdy. we figured that would be ok, since Rowdy and Brownie sound pretty close. she's already answering to Rowdy. probably because she agrees that dogs shouldn't be named after desserts.

UPDATE: mm reader Mike suggested an "i" at the end of her name to make it more girly. so her latest name is Rowdi. Rowdi J.

Rating: 2.0/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (18)
Like Oil and Water
Posted by Frank J. at 09:46 AM | Email This

Brownie is really excited to meet the cats, and the cats are deathly afraid of the giant dog. When Brownie is in her kennel, Sydney is brave enough to slowly creep up near the dog (which get ruined when Brownie can't stand it anymore and barks). Minerva, on the other hand, is hiding in the deepest recesses of the garage.

I guess the goal is to teach Brownie that the cats are boring (something I learned right away), but I guess that will take some time. If anyone has gone through this and has advice, it would be appreciated.

Aww... Brownie just went into her kennel to sleep. She's such a good dog when she's not moving.

Rating: 2.3/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (10)
February 18, 2006
all work and no play makes frank a dull boy
Posted by Frank J. at 11:27 PM | Email This

original image

Rating: 2.1/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (6)
So We're Impulsive Adopters
Posted by Frank J. at 06:53 PM | Email This

Our family just gained 60 pounds. Originally we wanted a puppy and something without a head larger than the cats, but at least our new family member is passed that vulnerable blending period all ready.

Rating: 2.6/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (6)
Q&A: Libyan riots
Posted by Laurence Simon at 08:31 AM | Email This

Q: Why did the Libyans riot in Tripoli and burn down the Italian Consulate?

Read More...


Rating: 1.5/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (1)
February 17, 2006
Glenn Reynolds Proves His Point
Posted by Harvey at 07:07 PM | Email This

(A Filthy Lie)

During a recent interview on CNN, Glenn took the Legacy Media to task for not showing the infamously offensive Muhammed cartoons, saying "I think when you cover things up, you let people's imaginations run wild, and the results are often worse than if you expose things. The press is there to tell us things, not to hide things from us."

Ironically, CNN proved Glenn's point by omitting the portion of the interview where Glenn held up this controversial political cartoon:

msm and truth.jpg

Also omitted was footage of journalists rioting outside the building after the interview, where an ugly puppet of Reynolds was burned in effigy.

glenn effigy.jpg

I know I'm risking my life by posting these pictures, but if I don't, then the journalists win.

Rating: 2.9/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (3) | Filthy Lies
Dr. Duck Answers
Posted by RightWingDuck at 12:52 PM | Email This

Getting tired of being treated like a number? Feel like you don't matter?

Dr. Duck cares. I have all your answers and promise to listen to everything you say.

Here are the questions you recently asked: along with the answers to everything...

Enjoy

Dear Dr. Duck,
What is the perfect recipe? How can it be perfect? A perfect recipe presupposes that no further recipes are necessary - wouldn't that spell the end of new recipes, fixing all foods in an immutable form (assuming you're referring to a recipe for food and not psychoactive chemicals)? Do we want or need a perfect recipe? Did the perfect recipe exist a century ago? If so, how blah blah blah blah blah.

Posted by aelfheld at February 15, 2006 04:07 PM

Aelfheld,

You're boring. I'm moving on the the next question. Check in with my secretary, we'll have you come back next week. Oh - and bring some food with you.

**
Dear Dr Duck,
Is there anything you can do to get the ad with Cindy Sheehan off of this site. I'm tired of looking at that smiling piehole every time I visit.
Thanks,
McCoy

We obviously have different tastes. Cindy is one good looking Iguana. Rumor has it she'll be on the cover of Bush Killed My Son monthly.
**

Dr. Duck,
What happens when Harvey runs out of states?
Posted by slapout

Hi Slapout:

Once he runs out of states, he’ll cover emotional states.

Fun Facts about insecurity.

The pill to cure insecurity was invented by I.M. Shie. Rather, it would have been invented if he didn’t doubt himself so much that he cancelled his presentation and went off to Hooters.

Everyone feels insecurity at one point or another: or maybe it's just you.


**


What is the meaning of life?
Posted by motopolitico

**
Whenever I get a question this deep, I turn to one of the deepest books I know – the dictionary.

Here’s the meaning:

Main Entry: 1life
Pronunciation: 'lIf
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural lives /'lIvz/
Etymology: Middle English lif, from Old English lIf; akin to Old English libban to live -- more at LIVE
1 a : the quality that distinguishes a vital and functional being from a dead body b : a principle or force that is considered to underlie the distinctive quality of animate beings -- compare VITALISM 1 c : an organismic state characterized by capacity for metabolism, growth, reaction to stimuli, and reproduction
2 a : the sequence of physical and mental experiences that make up the existence of an individual b : one or more aspects of the process of living Dear Dr. Duck,
**

Does that help? It helped me. Turns out I was pronouncing it wrong!

**
Why?
And a followup:
Why anything?
Posted by Dave

Dave,

You are obviously looking for the meaning of life. Please see the previous question.

**


What is the incubation period required for a crappy rock tune to become a classic rock tune, and is there any way to stop this blight on our popular culture?
Followup:
How gay am I for having ever liked Styx? I mean, holy crap!
Posted by PaleoMedic

A song is officially a classic when the pretty young thing sitting next to you has never heard of the song. At that point the song is a classic: And she's too young for you.

Styx? Paleo, this would explain why you keep mailing us to have us review Brokeback Mountain.

**

I think I found Spacemonkey's glasses. How much should I hold them for randsom?
Posted by ssj2gunslinger

Half their value seems fair. I say ask for 50 cents.

**
Dr. Duck,
How come last I did this I never got an answer from you?
-James
Posted by James

The IMAO bloggers are always nagging me to finish what I start. Here’s what I say to that..

**
Dear Dr. Duck,

We have established that it is no great sin to shoot a lawyer by accident. What about on purpose?
And is it OK to use an M16A2 and issue ammunition, or is that considered misuse of military property?
Finally, what is your position on shooting reporters?
Posted by MegaTroopX

My position on shooting reporters: I prefer a two hand grip with my feet shoulder width apart.

I mean – bad. Bad, MegaTroopX. It is wrong to shoot a lawyers – Unless He’s Headed Right For You! (strictly a South Park joke- sorry)

**

Oh great and wise RWD, I have noticed a marked increase in linkage from the blender of puppies who shall not be named. Why is the mighty Frank J (may his name be praise) consorting with the blender of puppies? Also can you give me directions to a good Chinese restaurant?
Posted by Brian the Adequate

Are you accusing us of kissing up to Glenn Reynolds so we can get traffic? I’m not sure Glenn Reynolds would do that. Glenn Reynolds is a good man. So stop insulting Glenn “The Puppy Blender” Reynolds.

Chinese food is cool. I can’t think of a good restaurant right now. I’ll email Glenn Reynolds.

**

Dear Dr. Duck,
Another office question from the collections department groupie:
I've got HR considering the big Italian guys as assistants in my collection duties, but if this comes through, I'll need a cool car, not only one that looks cool, but can handle the crappy weather in Minnesota and still not be to pricey for our finance office. What style/model car should I request?
Sincere thanks!
Sarasmom

You need one with room, but can help you do the job. But it also has to say, "I care about the environment and there's nothing to see here - go on about your business."

II say, look into getting a garbage truck. Careful with the parallel parking. Once you get it, swing by and let the IMAO staff check it out. Can you come every Thursday?

**

Dear Dr. Duck,
Why in God's name did Ted Kennedy name his Portuguese water dog "Splash"? Is this a Rove-ian conspiracy, or is he just getting paid directly by satirists?
Posted by Lissa

I understand Lissa. I haven’t seen such a bad name since Clinton almost named his dog Squirt. I don’t understand the motivation – let us be grateful that some things are funnier than we could ever make up.

**

We saw the pattern of birdshot from Chaney's hunting accident! How come we didn't get to see the pattern Monika Lowinskey sustained when Bill Clinton shot her in the face
Posted by woodsman

You can. They were sold to the Clinton Library as Rorschach Samples.

**

Dr. Duck,
What possible accessories or modifications could we concoct for the clue bat? I'm thinking of inventing clue nun chucks.
Posted by Garrett O'Hara

Interesting idea. What exactly are the nuns chucking? Is it rocks? Wood? How much wood would a chucking nun chuck if a nun chuck could chuck wood?

**

Why does a certain monkey from space keep misspelling my name?
Poo-flinging bastard.
Posted by Damian G.

We’re hoping to get better at the writing thing. For that reason, we are looking to hire another 999,999,999 monkeys. Please see the job description at Monster.com. We pay top banana.

**

Why can't I stop playing World of Warcraft? I asked this before and you did not help me. Now my problem is even worse!
Posted by Pluto's Dad


I’m not familiar with World of Warcraft, so I’m going to assume you meant Why Can’t I Stop Playing Sid And Marty Kroft Tv-Shows. As you know, they cranked out numerous kids shows that are remember to this very day. In fact, our own SarahK is a member of the Sleestak Fan Club. You should get involved with this. Sleestak is cool.


**

Dear Dr. Duck,
My cousin had a baby before 2 a.m. yesterday morning. I was not informed until 6 p.m. that evening, over 16 hours later. My cousin didn't call me personally to tell me the news either; my dad called me. He gets home from work at 5 p.m. so even if he didn't get the message until then, he still didn't call me right away. Should I suspect a cover-up of my cousin's baby and demand my dad's impeachment and my cousin's resignation?
Posted by Wacky Hermit

Wacky, let me just say this: your cousin is exactly what is wrong with this administration. I’m sure nobody told her about her right to choose. I’m sure nobody cared and now this poor child will be brought into a loving home and showered with love and kindness. What is wrong with you people? BTW, make sure you tell everyone your personal business ASAP – otherwise I’ll just never trust you.

**

Dear Mr. Duck
Would you go hunting with Dick Cheney?
- Minty Fresh in CT
Posted by Tic Tac

You know what, when I first came to this country, I went hunting with Mr. Cheney. Of course, he wasn’t VP at the time. I didn’t speak much English at the time. Good people. He'd say, "Go there!. Come back. He’s Headed Right For Us.” Good people.

**

Dear Dr. Duck,
I can't hide it any longer. It's time to come out of the closet. I voted for Jimmy Carter in 1980. Can I be forgiven for this?
Posted by Silicon Valley Jim

No: Your IP has been banned. You will be allowed to return in 444 days. After that: we'll consider if we can allow Carter voters the constitutional right to marry.

**
Dear Dr. Duck,
Should I major in Computer Science, or Mathematics?
Thanks!
Posted by Ursine East Facing North

Computer science is the field to be in. However, you may want to consider another field – especially if you DON’T live in India. Otherwise – make sure you lean programming and have lots of naked pictures of people. That's where the money is.

Mathematics is good – but if you choose that as a career – you’ll need to make sure you have lots of naked pictures of people. Unless the math formulas can keep you warm at night.

**
Dr. Duck,
Who wins if Miyamato Musashi and Chuck Norris get in a fight?
Posted by Garrett O'Hara

Is this on Chinese or American TV? I say that it would be a draw, Normally Chuck gets the girl, but he’s getting older, so he'd walk off with the girl's grandmother. And Miyamoto walks off cracking funny joke like: "ha ha, funny american man - you go rub her with Ben Gay."

That's good. Excuse me, I have to go work on a script.

**

There you have it. I hope that Dr. Duck has provided you with loving guidance. Remember - just 24 more E-Z Lessons and I'll be a true professional. In the meantime, sit back, relax and tell me - what do you see in these Rorschach blots?

Rating: 2.5/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (19)
Friday Catblogging
Posted by Laurence Simon at 09:00 AM | Email This

Since it's Friday, I thought I'd spread the joy of humor-free, apolitical Friday Catblogging to IMAO (aka "I-MEOW").

Today, it's Piper the Fencekitty:

If you're not sure how this absurd scene pertains to IMAO, since IMAO is famous for that "political humor" thing, it doesn't. If you must have some semblance of politics or humor in everything you read here, just assume that Piper is... um...

Help me out here. Make your suggestions in the comments how this scene is, in fact, a political allegory.

(For more animal goodness, try Friday Ark today and Carnival of the Cats will be this upcoming Sunday, so send your catblogging links to submissions @ carnivalofthecats.com.)

Rating: 2.0/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (11) | Friday Cat-Blogging
Go Palestine!
Posted by Frank J. at 12:03 AM | Email This

Palestinian Olympic hockey team member Kareem Abdul Jabaar prepares for action by ritually gashing his head with a skate retrieved from the dismemberd foot of a Hamas suicide bomber.

asdfawerwerashura.jpg

Original photo.

Rating: 2.4/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (15) | Best of IMAO 2006
February 16, 2006
Top 10: The Winter Games and the GOP.
Posted by RightWingDuck at 05:28 PM | Email This

Commentator Bryant Gumbel was right on when, during a recent broadcast he said...

So try not to laugh when someone says these are the world’s greatest athletes, despite a paucity of blacks that makes the Winter Games look like a GOP convention.

Bryant was right by Gumbit!

I say that the Winter Olympics is a LOT like the GOP.


The Top 10 Ways the Winter Olympics is Like the GOP…


10. We don’t throw our athletes under the team bus! BTW, what is Paul Hackett doing these days?

*

9. Best score wins. No extra points given for nationality.

*

8. Guns: Winter sports feature shooting with real ammo. It couldn’t be better unless we got to ski and cut down trees.

*

7. People stand for the National Anthem.

*

6. Flag trading limited to souvenirs not citizenship.

*

5. Men’s luge. Women’s luge. Nothing for transgender.

*

4. Sweepers on Curling team have their immigration papers.

*

3. Admiration of Roe Vwade refers to the skier from Norway. And his brother, Ingvar Vwade.

*

2. Medals are ordered in bulk from Wal-Mart.

*

And the Number One Way that the Winter Games are like the GOP...

Read More...


Rating: 2.1/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (25)
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 02:48 PM | Email This

What was US ambassador to the UN John Bolton's response to the UN's suggestion that we shutdown Gitmo?

Read More...


Rating: 1.9/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (7) | Fun Trivia
Not quite like a virgin
Posted by Laurence Simon at 02:12 PM | Email This

Congratulations to Madonna for once again reinventing herself with her recent hernia operation.

Superstar Madonna has been treated for a hernia but is now "absolutely fine," her spokeswoman said on Thursday.

The singer, who performed at the Grammy awards in New York last week, re-appeared in public on Thursday night when she accepted a Brit record industry statuette in London as Best International Female Artist of the year.

"She had a minor procedure for a hernia and is absolutely fine now," the spokeswoman said, declining to elaborate.

For the first time, she lays flat on her back with a group of rich men poking around inside of her and it's the insurance company that's paying for it.

Rating: 2.8/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (5)
Must Love Dogs
Posted by Frank J. at 01:09 PM | Email This

Thanks for all the dog advice everyone gave us previously. SarahK and I are starting our search in earnest for a dog now, and we're going to start with trying to find a pound puppy or rescued dog. The thing is, we need the dog to be a puppy so as not to freak out the dumb cats too much and we'd prefer he'd be a German Shepherd or Shepherd mix. What's the best place to look?

Rating: 3.1/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (37)
Be Careful! He May Gore!
Posted by Frank J. at 12:00 PM | Email This

I realize I haven't yet commented on all the crazy things Al Gore said at the Jeddah Economic Forum. Since Gore was Vice President for eight years and is a favorite of the muckadoos, I think it's important to note what he's doing. Many people were angered when he trashed us in front of the human rights giant Saudi Arabia by saying how America has been indiscriminately rounding up Saudis based simply on them breaking the law, but he also said other crazy things... specifically ten in number:

TOP TEN OTHER CRAZY THINGS AL GORE TOLD THE SAUDS

10. "Even though the NSA listens to all our phone calls, they won't pay half my phone sex bills."

9. "When you're not watching, the dogs all laugh at you behind your back. I can't prove it... but it's true!"

8. "Oilcan!"

7. "Though I was not elected President, I still am the lizard king!"

6. "If you are wondering why I'm wearing Kleenex boxes on my feet, it's because the neo-cons spy on us through our shoes."

5. "If I told you the reason I'm wearing women's underwear, though, they'd kill you too."

4. "They say I'm stiff, but look at me raise my arms above my head." (minute later) "There, I did it."

3. "In America, they wear hats on their feet and hamburgers eat people."

2. "First the police came for the muggers. Then for the liquor store robbers. Who will these Nazis round up next?"

And the number one other crazy thing Al Gore told the Sauds…

Read More...


Rating: 0.7/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (13) | Best of IMAO 2006
What's going on? I'll tell you what.
Posted by spacemonkey at 11:24 AM | Email This

Dissent is being stifled left and right, well left anyway. The Bushco-Halliburton constructed re-education camps in Texas are already filling up. Now the camps themselves are begining to become stifling what with all the crowding and the combined hippy odors of those being detained. The Democratic Underground, KOS and the City of Seatle are all practically empty now. The few remaining 'voices' are Rightwing moles used to badger and ferret out the rats. Other rodent figures of speech were not available for comment.

In related news, the depopulations of dissenters resulting from liberals being abducted along with the new jobs created from new camp construction are driving unemployment down nationwide. However this depopulation is only freeing up on average 1 job for every 25 liberals being sent to the camps, since many are able to remain gainfully unemployed during their in-camp-ceration.

Gas prices are down a little, due to the influx of stolen Afghani and Iraqi oil. However, the upcoming wars we have scheduled with Venezuela and Iran should help bring them down further to make the solution to the liberal problem more cost effective.

Rating: 2.6/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (9) | Newsish Fakery
So You Didn't Laugh When Cheney Hit a Kid in the Head with a Kitten?
Posted by Frank J. at 10:41 AM | Email This

I wrote a nice little post about how everyone loves IMAO (I even got an e-mail from a liberal today who enjoys IMAO), but then I found this comment (edited for language):

This website SUCKS!!! What a bunch of sick ronin you all are. I HATE neo-cons! Your gun worshipping is revolting. Go blow away each other in your self-righteousness. Keep a handgun with you at all times! Shoot first and ask questions later, just like dick(head) cheney did while quail hunting! Go blow up the rest of the world, go nuke them to prove how "bad ass" you really are. Yee-haw! Then kill all the liberals, kill all the socialists, kill all the Europeans (because they aren't into "intelligent design" and still prefer science (you know--the science that brought you the internet...your PC...you Mac...your chemo-therapy if you ever had cancer...etc). I just don't get you people. I think you are ruining my country. There is SERIOUS division in this country now. I think it will only get much worse in the years to come.

I'd respond to the substance of this comment, but IT'S ALL TOTALLY TRUE!

Still, this person seems unhappy. People should be happy. You, Mr. Liberal, need to be more happy. Find a grassy field on a sunny day and spend the afternoon chasing butterflies. After that, you come back and comment again. I'm sure your comment will be much more happy and make us all happy too. Then the circle of happiness goes on!

Remember, ronin, many liberals out there are just in need of a hug, so go hug them and make them happy.

IMAO accepts no responsibility for hug related mishaps. Anyone who takes advice from Frank J. is doing so at his own risk and against the advice of about any lawyer.

Rating: 2.5/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (38) | I Hate Frank
Uh... What's Going on Again?
Posted by Frank J. at 10:32 AM | Email This

I think I should write some more political commentary, but I totally can't remember what going on since Cheney shot his friend in the face with a shotgun. I mean, my memory is totally wiped.

There's like a war going on, right?

Rating: 2.5/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (4)
Carnival of Comedy #42 is UP
Posted by spacemonkey at 09:48 AM | Email This

Sherlock at BakerStreet has Karn Evil #9  errr Carnival of Comedy # 42 posted. You should go read it. 

He has the answer to life, the universe, etc. as well as links to the best comedy that was submitted this week.

And he's keeping the potty talk in the potty where it belongs not in the Carnival. Yay! Now go read.

Rating: 2.7/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (5)
American Idol cut to 24
Posted by sarahk at 07:46 AM | Email This

i forgot to cross-post this from mm last night.

Read More...


Rating: 2.2/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (15) | SarahK's TV stuff
February 15, 2006
And on until morning
Posted by Laurence Simon at 09:31 PM | Email This

Apparently, a man in his seventies was struck by a Peter Pan Adventure pirate ship at Disneyworld and flown by helicopter to the hospital on Tuesday.

A 71-year-old man visiting Disney World with his wife and granddaughter fell off a moving walkway leading to a Peter Pan ride and was pinned under a pirate ship that carries passengers through the attraction, an official with emergency services said on Wednesday.

The man, who was flown to a hospital by helicopter after being freed on Tuesday evening, received superficial scrapes and bruises in the accident and was listed in "very stable" condition, said Bo Jones, the deputy chief of Reedy Creek Emergency Services.

He was flown to the hospital yesterday, but emergency services didn't tell the media today?

Hrm.

Obviously, this is a failure of leadership and openness in Captain Hook's administration.

  • Why the delay in informing the media?
  • Was Captain Hook drinking while piloting his pirate ship when it ran over the man?
  • Does Captain Hook have all the necessary pilot's licenses?
  • Has Captain Hook divested his portfolio of Peter Pan Peanut Butter stock?
  • Why isn't spokesman Donald Duck being forthcoming about the incident, and why doesn't he wear pants?

The public has the right to know, and Capitain Hook is failing the public. Instead of being the Happiest Place On Earth, we are discovering that Disneyworld is nothing more than a brutal, totalitarian police state run by a madman with blood on his hands.

Um... okay, fine - hand.

Rating: 1.8/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (28)
John Bolton's Peace Prize Nomination Papers
Posted by Harvey at 05:47 PM | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

I was tickled pink to discover that hard-core, ass-kicking US ambassador to the UN, John Bolton, has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize for playing a major role in exposing Iran's secret plans to develop nuclear weapons. To bolster his chances of winning, they also included a list of his other notable achievements:



* Author of "China Shopping For Bulls - The John Bolton Guide to Diplomacy"

* During 6-party talks on North Korea's nuclear program, shook down the other 5 parties for their lunch money

* Bolton plans to use the money to finance a mission to nuke the moon, pending the outcome of a copyright infringement suit filed by Frank J.

* Once caused a pigeon to explode in mid-air, just by looking at it.

* Kicked Paul Bunyan's ass and founded the "Bolton's Babe-Burgers" franchise.

* Due to lactose intolerance, had all lactoses rounded up and imprisoned at Gitmo.

* Led Lyndie England around on a leash while mocking her genitalia.

* Prefers to kill people with his bare hands so that he can look into their eyes and watch their souls leave their bodies.

* Eats newly-release souls to fuel the growth of his moustache.

* Hates working for the UN, since few of the ambassadors actually have souls.

* 'STACHE HUNGERS!

* Successfully went in against a Sicilian when death was on the line.

* While not related to Michael Bolton, John does have a better singing voice.

* Of course, who doesn't?

* Once made a rock so big that he himself couldn't lift it.

* The flood waters did not recede from New Orleans quickly enough, so John Bolton drank them.

* On Halloween, witches frequently go out dressed up as John Bolton to frighten liberals.

* Plans to silence whiny California hippies by kicking the whole state right into the ocean.

* Went hunting with Dick Cheney, but used 'stache powers to deflect the birdshot.

* Buys dead-squirrel toupees from the same store as Donald Trump

* Favorite saying: "I like you. I'll kill you last. And by 'last', I mean 'first'."

* 'STACHE HUNGERS!

* When his term as UN Ambassador expires in 2007, plans to decapitate all the UN delegates he hasn't already killed so that he can at last be THE ONE and claim THE PRIZE.

* Used Kim Jong Il's poofy head as a loofah.

* Until Captain Kirk, the Klingons had no word for "surrender". After John Bolton, they will also have a word for "pants-wetting terror".



Of course, they neglected his most notable accomplishment - never having mistaken an elderly lawyer for a small bird.

Rating: 2.5/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (18) | Best of IMAO 2006 ~ | Precision Guided Humor Assignments
Ask Dr. Duck: The Questions
Posted by RightWingDuck at 03:29 PM | Email This

Hello all,

The Doctor is IN!!

It's been a while since Dr. Duck has answered your questions. In this topsy turvy world it's easy to get overwhelmed: natural disasters- Islamic rage - hunting accidents.

Sometimes it can be a bit much.

Do YOU have a question you need to ask? Relationship advice? Career counsel? The perfect recipe? Can't find your sunglasses?

Ask Dr. Duck is now up and taking questions. Answers will be posted on Friday.

Disclaimer: Dr. Duck is not a real doctor. If you think I'm a real doctor, you've had your nervous system excited by too many Danish cartoons. No attempt should be made to help any of the IMAO advice seekers as they can sometimes bite. No sudden moves. No eye contact, please. Please do not feed the IMAO staff. Dr. Duck has extensive training (I took ESL in Junior College) and should be trusted unquestioningly with all of his answers. Should any of my advice resemble the advice of a professional - that would be frickin' hilarious! Scary - but hilarious.

Rating: 2.0/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (41)
A Couple Ideas
Posted by Frank J. at 02:28 PM | Email This

* Every few minutes, Cheney should call David Gregory with the latest updates (e.g. "Just adjusted my tie; wanted you to be the first to know.").

* The Muslims violenting protesting cartoons need to get themselves shot by Cheney; it seems that's the only way they'll get in the headlines again.

Rating: 1.3/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (5)
Go Palestine!
Posted by Frank J. at 02:02 PM | Email This

Mohammed el Zindimbulb of Palestine celebrates after winning the gold medal in the men's 666-metre speed skating event by burning the Danish flag.

adsfadfadf93a.jpg

Rating: 2.5/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (11) | Best of IMAO 2006
Carnival Of Comedy Reminder
Posted by spacemonkey at 01:19 PM | Email This

Yesterday was Valentine's day. If you didn't know that already, the damage is probably already done. Sure you could claim to have been in some sort of catatonic state, but those are hard to fake. Too many questions. Why wasn't I notified? What do yoi mean I'm not on your 'notify in case of emergency card, yet your mother, drycleaner and Ex are? Why didn't the florist/barbershop quartet/jeweler deliver the flowers/candy/jewelry anyway? Unpleasant questions which require quick thinking and lets face it, many of us are not quick thinkers.

But the past is behind. So lets concentrate on the future. Namely tomorrow.

Tomorrow, February 16th, the- 42nd carnival of Comedy will be hosted by Sherlock at Bakerstreet. [warning, language]

Future Carnival Schedule:
February 23th - #43:- Damian G at Conservathink
March 2nd - #44 -: Chris at Platypus Society. Read his Dimmer Switch column too, funny stuff.
March 9th- #45 - Bob at Either Orr
March 16th - #46 - Ben at Ben's Rants

Want to host? Email me at spacemonkey@imao.us with "Host Carnival Of Comedy" as the subject.

Want to enter? Go here, or here or we'll have to break your heart, with an axe,.

Rating: 2.5/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (6) | Why Me Laugh?
In My World: Everyone Loves Cheney
Posted by Frank J. at 12:51 PM | Email This

"Why won't you answer my questions?" David Gregory screeched.

"I have answered your questions," White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan grumbled.

"No you haven't! I think I know when questions have been answered!"

"David, I'm getting tired of your attitude," Scott said. "Could you find some other subject to freak out about? It's not like a hunting accident is a matter of national security."

"I'm not freaking out!" Gregory yelled. "And you're fat!"

Scott rolled his eyes. "Okay, I'm going to move onto the next person with questions..."

"Fatty fatty fat fat!"

"You take that back!" Scott screamed as he jumped on Gregory and started punching him. The other reporters soon crowded around and started chanting, "Fight! Fight!"

Bush, done watching the scene, started flipping through the channels. "Hey, Rover!" he called out. "When does ice-boxing come on in the Olympics?"

The hooded figure of Karl Rove emerged from the shadows. "There is no such thing as ice-boxing."

"Why not? It would be fun! People would be sliding around on ice and punching each other; there's no sport more pure than that."

Rove raised he hand and the TV turned off. "We must talk about Cheney."

"What about?"

There was the sound of a shotgun blast, and a portion of the wall was blown away. Through it, they could see Dick Cheney. "I thought I saw a quail," he said.

"Was it a picture of Dan Quayle?" Bush asked.

Cheney punched his way into the room. "I don't remember."

"You have an image problem," Rove intoned.

"Is it anything that can be solved by telling the press to go @#$% themselves?" Cheney asked.

"I don't think that's going to work, Dick," Bush said, "People need to hear you feel remorse like a normal human. Don't you feel bad you shot your friend in the face?"

"Yes, I do," Cheney answered. "I would have had that quail if it weren't for his stupid face getting in the way!"

"But he had a heart attack; aren't you worried about him?"

Cheney laughed. "I've had plenty of heart attacks, and that one was hardly worth mentioning. If Harry plays it up, I'll shoot him in the face with a shotgun again."

Bush shook his head. "Cheney, you have to act nicer."

"Why? Rumsfeld burns down orphanages for fun and has contests on the White House lawn for how far he can kick puppies and you don't complain!"

"Well, we expect that from the Secretary of Defense," Bush replied, "but, if I got my head stuck in the banister again, you have to take over as President. That means people need to like you."

"You must improve your image," Rove uttered, "or all could be doomed. So says the Book of Punditry." Rove then disappeared into the shadows.

Cheney looked to Bush. "I'd tell Rove to go @#$% himself, but I'm afraid he'd eat my soul."

Bush nodded. "I fear that everyday."

* * * *

"I am holding this press conference," Cheney announced, "to say that I feel very sorry for what happened to my friend, Harry Whittington. I so wish this had never happened, and I am losing sleep about this every day." Cheney then held up a tiny cat. "And, look, I'm holding a kitten." Cheney, with much effort, then smiled.

"Are you planning to snap the kitten's neck for fun after this press conference is over?" asked a reporter.

"What I do on my own time is my business!" Cheney screamed. "Go @#$% yourself!"

Bush then nudged Cheney in the side.

"Uh... I mean that I plan to take the kitten home, name him mittens, and then watch him play with a ball of yarn."

"Aww, Cheney is much sweeter than we thought," said one female reporter.

A little kid then walked up to Cheney. "Will you give me a hug, Unkie Cheney?"

* * * *

"So I knocked a kid unconscious by throwing a kitten at his head," Cheney grumbled. "He smelled."

Bush laughed. "I guess that's just our gruff VP." Bush then turned to Condi and whispered, "I keep hearing rumors that I'm planning on forcing Cheney to resign and replace him with you. Do you know if there is any truth to those rumors?"

Condi smacked Bush upside his head.

"Ow," Bush moaned as he rubbed the back of his head, "I always thought people would hit me less as soon as I was President, but the opposite was true. Anyway, I have the pardon for Scott for assaulting that stupid reporter. Anyone want to go fetch him from prison?" Bush looked around the room, but no one moved. "Fine, let's watch the Olympics. I think the biathlon is on." Bush looked to Cheney. "You lose points in that for shooting someone else in the face."

"Sounds gay."

Bush chuckled. "That the Winter Olympics, alright."

Rating: 1.8/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (21) | Best of IMAO 2006 ~ | In My World
I Have the Greatest Sweetie
Posted by Frank J. at 11:58 AM | Email This

SarahK hates it when I play videogames (I've tried to find a few games we can play together with limited success), but guess what I got as a Valentine's Day present? F.E.A.R. for the PC, a FPS that is supposed to be kick ass. That's love right there.

I got another present for Valentine's Day, but I won't go into it since kids may be reading.

Rating: 2.0/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (9)
Do You Love IMAO?
Posted by Frank J. at 10:24 AM | Email This

Of course; we all do.

Remember, people in the know read IMAO. And you won't find out about us just anywhere, though. We're still too underground for Wikipedia. So maybe Wikipedia doesn't want you to know about IMAO, but smart people know that reading us is a must.

Are you smart?

Rating: 2.8/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (16)
Is it less horrific if you think of it as a fourth trimester abortion, liberals?
Posted by Laurence Simon at 09:18 AM | Email This

Two weeks after Britney Spears caught heat for riding with her baby in her lap and trying to defend her stupid actions, leave it to Houston to demonstrate why babies shouldn't ride in the driver's lap:

A 1-month-old infant riding in its mother's arms was killed after being ejected from a car that overturned in an accident on Tuesday, police said.

A 3-month-old baby and a 2-year-old child who were unrestrained were injured, police said.

The three children and three adults were in a Ford Mustang, trying to pass the driver of a Nissan pickup truck on Alabonson near Milda in northwest Houston when the accident occurred about 3 p.m., said Houston police Sgt. John Ogden.

With the exception of the 1-month-old's mother, the relationships of the other adults and children in the car were unclear Tuesday. The gender of the children was also not available.

Welcome To Houston: Seat Belts? Pfeh!

Read More...


Rating: 2.8/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (7)
I Have a Confession: I Watched Olympic Curling
Posted by Frank J. at 08:21 AM | Email This

Not only did I watch curling, I was entertained by it.

Actually, I was enthralled by it.

And, when the Americans knocked three of Norway's stones out of play with one throw, I stood up and cheered... even though I wasn't quite sure what happened other than that it was impressive (Norway is the defending Olympic champion).

In the eighth end, we had six - SIX - stones in scoring position and Norway just gave up. They were totally pwned.

I was watching this off Tivo, though (Sarah has been Tivoing all the Olympics she can find; I told her no HD so it doesn't knock off all our other shows), so, for all I know, the fate of the Team USA curling has already been decided, but, if not, I'm totally there for the championship. Curling is like a game of chess played by sliding stones across ice (and sweeping in front of them - though I still haven't figured out what that does other than it can get pretty intense). It takes the skill of pool in making deflection shots combined with intense strategy (if you think a game this slow moving doesn't need time outs, you're wrong). Sure, it seems like glorified shuffleboard at times, but I'm just glad it wasn't me out there making the decisions and trying to make those perfectly aligned shots (I think I could do the sweeping, though).

For some reason, the Nike swooshes on the collars and backs of the USA team's shirts were blotted out. Was there some sort of falling out between Nike and the Olympic curling team? What could this mean for Nike's future?!

NOTE TO BROADCASTERS: When there is no one in the stands other than the family of the players, you might want to avoid the long shots of the game.

Rating: 3.2/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (26)
February 14, 2006
American Idol group week
Posted by sarahk at 10:26 PM | Email This

i hate group week. you always have 3 people working together, and one of them decides he either doesn't want to deal with the others, or he's too good to be in the group with the others, or he's just really so much better than the others.

what. a beating.

Read More...


Rating: 2.4/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (5) | SarahK's TV stuff
McClellan and Gregory the Rematch
Posted by Frank J. at 03:29 PM | Email This

The White House doesn't label who asks the questions in the transcripts, but I think this was the follow up between Scott McClellan and David Gregory today (I heard the final part of it on Rush) after Gregory's freak-out yesterday (empahsis near the end is mine):


Read More...


Rating: 2.6/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (15)
Posted by Frank J. at 03:18 PM | Email This


via Hugh Hewitt

Rating: 2.5/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (4)
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 03:14 PM | Email This

Why did the muckadoo favored Paul Hackett drop out of the Ohio Senate race?

Read More...


Rating: 1.9/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (6) | Fun Trivia
It's a small world after al- *BLAM* *BLAM*
Posted by Laurence Simon at 02:52 PM | Email This

From a response to Michelle Malkin's post on Harry Whittington's hospital scare and moratorium on Herry Whittington jokes:

A World of Harry Whittingtons would be a fine place indeed.

For God's sake, don't give Disney any bright ideas. The last thing I want to do is float in a fake log through an endless series of vice presidents blowing away lawyer-puppets with shotguns all around the world.

TOP TEN FAILED DISNEYWORLD ATTRACTIONS

10. Hall Of Secretaries Of The Interior
9. Georgia Frontiereland
8. Day-After-Tomorrowland
7. Captain EU
6. 20% Chance Of Thunderstorms Railroad
5. Tower Of Legitimate Resistance Against Occupation
4. Tsunami Lagoon Water Park
3. Wall Street USA
2. Enchanted Tiki Barber Room
1. Intellectual Property Thieves of the Caribbean

Rating: 2.5/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (8)
It's All Fun and Games Until Someone Has a Heart Attack
Posted by Frank J. at 01:47 PM | Email This

Just when you thought there was nothing funnier than getting shot in the face, this happens. I assume that, with a 28-gauge, the shot is so small that it can be moved through the bloodstream. I guess some prayers are in order, as, in all accounts (well, the few that focus on anything other than Cheney), Whittington is a good man. I hope there are no more complications in his recovery.

Best of the Web yesterday ("Sorry About That, Harry") was the only place I found any real information on Harry Whittington. Check it out.

Rating: 2.4/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (5)
IMAO Demands MORE Global Warming!!
Posted by RightWingDuck at 11:38 AM | Email This

If you're like me, you're probably getting fed up with religious extremists. That's why I took great joy in hearing that Hollywood bought the rights to Al Gores new documentary “An Inconvenient Truth.” For those of you who don’t know, Al Gore was involved in a movie about global warming. I haven’t seen it but assume it involves the liberal basics: American blame, corporate greed, and a gay love story.

Before I go on, let me be clear on something: I have a high tolerance for religious values – I really do. But it seems like every day one of these whack jobs stops me to share "the good news" that the "end is coming soon" and we have to be "ready" for the "glorious day."

Of course, "that glorious day" refers to the final day of the Bush Administration. After that, they tell us, we can start to address the issues of global warming.

But religious wackos like Gore really get on my nerves. It seems like we keep seeing clips of Al Gore screaming stuff like, “Global Warming is going to kill us”, or “the U.S. Hates Arabs” or “Where’s My Ketchup?!” With the sale of this movie to Hollywood, now maybe Al's influence can go beyond affecting the tides.

This must be stopped! We could do something about Gore and these religious extremists if only we had a greater separation of church and state. Is there nothing we can do? Why must these myopic people force their views on us? Why can't they accept that the theory of Darwin isn't some sort of fairy tale involving half truths, huge gaps in evidence, and wishful denial of a deity?

If they would accept it, then we could move and and enjoy a quiet and peaceful evolutionary process. That is why today I call on IMAO readers to join me in a brand new movement - the kind you have never ever seen before.

Today, I call on us to demand MORE global warming.

I know this may not be a popular request. If the polar ice caps melt and the world ocean levels rise, this could wipe out countless species. If the volcanoes rage out of control we could end up with a world full of muddy ash. And let’s not forget the freezing cold we’re undergoing. There’s nothing worse that being flooded, freezing, and hot. But it would be wrong to stop global warming. Ladies, gentlemen, and undecided - we must allow global warming to happen. It is the only scientifically logical choice. Let me explain.

A few hours before the flood, the IMAO crew was in New Orleans. We were taking a tour, while Lair was off by the levees muttering something about a Zionist conspiracy. I don't know, I wasn't paying attention. As the flood waters came, and we tried to get out, I remember telling rescue workers to ignore all those people stranded on rooftops and not to save them. Yet, those "religious wackos" were so focused on saving "precious life" that they wouldn't let the Darwinian evolutionary process take place.

When will this fascism end?

I remember Frank and I taking bets. How long before these stranded roof dwellers would adapt to the environment? What would happen? Would they develop the ability to drink toxic water? Would their digestive systems mutate to be able to eat roof shingles? Gills? Bright orange skin allowing them to be seen from far away?

Sadly, the fascist extremists and the respect for life won out, and we were left to wonder what would have happened to these roof dwellers, and why Lair kept yelling, "I did it. I did it!"

Well - no more. NO MORE!! If we teach this evolutionary process and believe in it, then it is only fair that we let it go forward - none of this "preserve Mother Earth" crap. It's time to Let Go and Let Evolution.

Want to help? I thought you would.

Here are the things that you, as an every day evolving species, can do to accelerate global warming and allow change to happen!

Screw the trees. There are acres and acres of forests out there that do nothing but impede the growth of future Wal-Marts. This is unacceptable. Remember, forests are a good place for all those Bambi and Thumper types to gather and create sinister plots. Besides, Bambi and Thumper can adapt.

Drive everywhere. Sometimes, I call my neighbor and ask for a ride - to the end of my driveway. Helpful hint: hard driving can generate more pollution. I tend to Burn Rubber from stoplight to stoplight. This not only makes me look cool - but should I get lost - I can find my way back by following the tire marks.

Become a celebrity. Take Barbra Streisand for example: her many mansions take a ton of energy to power and heat. If you were to stand on her front porch, you could look up at the sky and practically see the hole in the ozone layer getting bigger. Then you'd have to run, because your survival instinct would kick in saying, "It's Barbra - she's going to eat me."

I'm still investigating other potential steps such as having the US sign the Kyoto Agreements. I strongly suspect that joining the Kyoto is as effective as Al Gore's gym membership. This, however, will require some research - so you'll have to wait for that as a separate post.

We hope you join our cause.

Rating: 3.7/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (18) | IMAO Think Tank
Happy Valentine's Day
Posted by Frank J. at 11:25 AM | Email This

I had a little contest to help sell t-shirts, and now I have a kindered spirit to spend my life with. I thank God everyday for her and hope all of you can find such happiness.

I love you, SarahK. Happy Valentine's Day.

Rating: 2.3/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (25)
The flash pan hunter
Posted by Laurence Simon at 10:55 AM | Email This

Apparently, Dick Cheney didn't have a stamp for hunting quail.

As for hunting lawyers, well, here in Texas they're always in season and you don't need a stamp.

UPDATE
Brilliant idea: Dick Cheney needs robot friends.

Rating: 2.0/5 (1 vote cast)

Comments (7)
Another Great Represenative of Islam
Posted by Frank J. at 10:13 AM | Email This

My post on how to draw Mohammed seemed to gain the ire of a Muslim... or at least I think so. The comment is kinda hard to understand, but you can see for yourself:

(CAUTION: Contains coarse language and poor grammar and spelling)

Read More...


Rating: 2.4/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (16) | I Hate Frank
Say it ain't so . . .
Posted by Frank J. at 09:12 AM | Email This

Senator Harry Reid is eyeball deep in the Abrahamof scandal, after months of criticizing Republicans for alleged ties to Abrahamof's lobbying firm? That would make Reid a lying, hypocritical, opportunist, scumbag. Can't be.

crookedreid.jpg

Doh! Sorry, I spoke too soon . . .

reidcard.jpg

Rating: 1.8/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (4) | Best of IMAO 2006
There's More to This Shooting Than First Known...
Posted by Frank J. at 09:05 AM | Email This

It all comes together now. Cheney and Whittington were both hunting without the seven dollar stamp now required due to newly instated laws. Whittington eventually felt so guilty that he was going to turn himself and Cheney into the authorities. Cheney then shot Whittington in the face to prevent that.

It didn't work, though, and now both Cheney and Whittington have received warnings and Cheney has had to pay the seven dollars. Crime - specifically shooting people in the face - doesn't pay, kids.

Remember to keep reading IMAO: your number one news source about Dick Cheney shooting people.

Rating: 3.3/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (7)
In My World: Quailgate
Posted by Frank J. at 08:57 AM | Email This

"As we all know now," White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan said, "Cheney was involved in a hunting accident and..."

"Why are we being told of this now?" screamed one reporter. "This happened twenty-four hours ago! Why weren't we the first to know?"

"It was decided that..."

"How could we be scooped by some local rag called the Corpus Christi Caller-Times?" shouted another reporter. "We're the White House Press Corp! We're supposed to know everything first!"

"I think you all are over reacting to..."

"Now I find out that even some podunk hospital - a hospital - knew about this before me... ME! David Gregory!" David Gregory screeched. "I want the Vice President impeached for this!"

"Let's all just take a breath and... Eep!"

Scott ducked behind his podium as the press charged him. He could feel the podium trying to be ripped away as one reporter yelled, "Press mad! Press smash!"

Then some loud footsteps were heard. Off to the side stood Dick Cheney who took a swig of a whiskey bottle before tossing it away. He then gripped his pump-action shotgun with both hands and fired into the press, knocking them down.

"I just shot the press, press," Cheney told the press, "and you're the first to know." He chambered another round. "Any questions?"

Rating: 2.3/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (15) | In My World
February 13, 2006
24 Day 5 - 2 p.m.
Posted by sarahk at 10:34 PM | Email This

so Jack & Curtis have gotten a break and know where to meet the super bad terrorist guy.

they've moved Walt's body. what?? Walt was married?? what woman would marry him?? yep, let Walt go out with some dignity, him being a rotten traitor and all. that suicide sure is dignified.

Evelyn still hasn't told the first lady that she was the one who told Walt where to find the info on the first lady's body. btw, boss lady, i kinda thought you were crazy, so i gave him all the info he needed to attack you. my bad. i think Evelyn's gonna be trouble. she doesn't believe Walt could do that and she thinks the first lady is a bit wacko. so she's gonna get all nutso and stupid and ruin stuff.

yay. we get to see Audrey look worried while Jack's doing an undercover op, trying to convince them he's one of them and scared of them.

i'm so shocked! they punched Jack and "made" him go with them!

look at Audrey acting like her love for Jack should be a determining factor of when the tac teams move in. how whiny of her.

i loved the look on Logan's face when Martha told him she's going to tell Walt's wife the truth because it's the right thing to do. betcha the President either offs her, locks her up, or commits her.

btw, i'm very disappointed in Mike Novick. truth is good. lying is bad. didn't he ever go to Sunday school? the guy's Italian, so probably Catholic. don't they teach lying is bad? (yes, i'm such a horrible person to stereotype Italians.)
i'm starting to think Lynn is a mole. i'd rather let one canister be set off than 20? bad Rudy! do the Truffle Shuffle!
"may i see your paperwork?" "yes. funny, it's more like metal than paper, but it will kill you all the same." "but wait! i have this rock! doesn't that beat metal?" "yes, but this is a gun, not scissors, and you're wearing a red shirt." / voices in my head.

the President deserves a divorce. i get angry just looking at him. i want to divorce him myself.

remember last week when i said that Kim and all of Jack's ladyloves and such will be at the mall? watch, i'm gonna be right.

do the terrorists know you're not allowed to knock out Jack Bauer? it's like a federal crime punishable by time in a prison no one knows about. plus, he'll kill you for it. i think the CTU peeps should start yelling in Jack's earpiece to wake him up.

i hope i don't start liking Audrey. i'm starting to not like Bill, and i know i don't like Lynn. i liked him until he screwed up an op to go meet his druggie sister, but now i'm done with him.

ok, so i was wrong about Jack's hordes of women being there. but i don't think i'm wrong about Lynn being a mole.
Walt's wife is a terrorist, i bet. she's too big an actress (big like recognizable, not big like large) and when the President comes in to stop Martha from telling the wife, she's gonna kill him. she could easily pass for Russian. in fact, in this one ALIAS episode last season (Welcome to Liberty Village), she played a Russian, and i believed it. so i'm thinking she came over from the motherland and recruited Walt.
which is open for next episode...

speaking of next week... that guy who talked to Walt in the first few episodes (pacing with the earpiece) is gonna help CTU apparently. and the President is sanctioning someone's murder.

and next week, there'd better be more Chloe! i get sad when she just runs tech and doesn't insult people and tell them to shut up.

eh, nothing really quoteworthy... this episode was a'ight. had some action, but no big twists, nothing too unpredictable. which means next week will probably be stellar.

Frank wants me to tell y'all that he thought this ep was kinda blah.

Rating: 2.8/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (6) | SarahK's TV stuff
Al Gore burns U.S. at Jedi Economic Forum . . .
Posted by Frank J. at 09:43 PM | Email This

jeditraitr2.jpg
Context

Rating: 1.9/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (8)
Homeland Security Instructional Video: You Hear a Bump in the Night
Posted by Frank J. at 06:19 PM | Email This

This instructional video (by Eric Anderson) has been fixed so you can now watch it and everything. Go now!

Once again, it is based on my explanation of the Homeland Security Advisory System.

Rating: 2.2/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (2)
Top Ten List: Be Wewy, wewy, quiet...
Posted by RightWingDuck at 05:56 PM | Email This

Poor Vice President Cheney. I can understand all of his pent up frustration. I strongly recommend that we invade another country immediately – otherwise, Dick’s going to start running out of friends.

As you know, on Saturday, the Vice President was out hunting with a small group. One of the party members, Harry Whittington, a lawyer from Texas, was accidentally shot by the VP.

Fortunately, because of his heart condition, the VP travels with a doctor, a nurse, and an ambulance. This was good news for Mr. Whittington. I remember that Bill Clinton used to travel with his own necessary supplies: a Barry White CD, a bottle of wine, and a French Maid Outfit.

With all of the press coverage – we have to ask ourselves – What Exactly Did Mr. Cheney Say when he realized he shot somebody in his hunting party.

The Top Ten Things Dick Cheney Said After the Shooting

10. Are you SURE it’s not lawyer season?

9. Ha – that’ll teach you to stop chasing my ambulance.

8. I nicked him. Do I still get a prize?

7. Okay, guys. Hold him down and check him for WMDs.

6. Walk it off, you wimp.

5. One more try – this time I’ll give you a head start.

4. Didn’t you to say you wanted to be an embedded lawyer?

3. It’s an emergency! We better call FEMA.

2. Sure I missed him. But look at my shot grouping.

And the number one thing Dick Cheney said when he accidentally shot somebody while hunting…


Read More...


Rating: 2.2/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (5)
Soccer Cartoons
Posted by Laurence Simon at 04:38 PM | Email This

After one of Iran's state-run newspapers started a contest for cartoons denying or mocking the Holocaust as a retort to European free speech laws, a German newspaper decided to engage in a little free-speech reply to Iran:

The Iranian embassy in Germany has demanded a written apology from a Berlin newspaper that printed a cartoon of Iranian soccer players dressed as suicide bombers and threatened legal action if none is forthcoming.

The sketch, published on Friday by Der Tagesspiegel, shows four moustachioed soccer players wearing Iran shirts with explosives strapped to their chests next to four German soldiers in a soccer stadium.

A caption above read: "Why the German army should definitely be used during the soccer World Cup!", referring to a debate in Germany about whether to use troops to help with security during the month-long tournament which begins June 9.

That's just horrible... don't they know that the explosives go under the warmup jackets?

Stupid Germans!

Read More...


Rating: 3.2/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (13)
I'm Sorry I Rooted for Marshal Will Kane to Kill Him
Posted by Frank J. at 04:25 PM | Email This

Frank Miller will be making a graphic novel of Batman fighting Al Qaeda. That might be enough to get me to actually buy one of these novels that are graphic for the first time.

Rating: 3.3/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (6)
Questions regarding the Mohammed cartoons rage...
Posted by Laurence Simon at 03:25 PM | Email This

What if someone were to produce a Connect-The-Dots that had resulted in a picture of Mohammed? Who would be to blame for the depiction of Mohammed: the person who made the Connect-The-Dots or the consumer who picked up a pencil and connected them?

What if someone were to produce one of those "Magic Eye" pictures that you have to relax and unfocus your eyes to see the picture, and the picture turns out to be Mohammed? Who would be to blame for the depiction of Mohammed: the person who made the Connect-The Dots or the viewer who relaxed their eyes to see it?

What if someone were to produce a picture of Mohammed that is only visible through the method of Anamorphosis requiring a point of view that is impossible to use, depicting something completely different when viewed head-on? Would the artist or the person attempting to reach that impossible perspective to see the picture be to blame?

What if IBM were to arrange atoms in a pattern to depict Mohammed?

What if an image of Mohammed were created, stored in some form of digital medium, and then the original image destroyed? If the digital storage were never accessed again, would the image still be considered a depiction?

What if someone were to produce a picture of Mohammed using lemon juice on paper that only appears when exposed to a flame's heat? Would the artist or the person holding the match be to blame for the depiction of Mohammed?

Jesus and the Virgin Mary are always showing up on grilled cheese sandwiches, inkstains, concrete stains, wax blobs, and other objects. If Mohammed appears on those various objects, do they have to be destroyed before GoldenPalace.com buys them?

Rating: 2.5/5 (4 votes cast)

A Look Into Their "Reality-Based" World
Posted by Frank J. at 02:31 PM | Email This

The moonbats seem to hold a number of things as unquestioned faith to keep their world view. One of the odder beliefs is that anyone who doesn't think Bush is the second coming of Hitler must worship him unquestionably. Maybe it's projections, because, back during the Clinton presidency there were those who would never let even the slightest criticism against him stand. But, with Bush, conservatives (especially on blogs) have been critical of Bush since day one, and such criticism continues constantly. Other than those paid political consultants, I don't know of any pundits who hasn't disagreed with Bush on certain issues. Funny, the only people who ever seem to have met these "BushBots" who worship the ground Bush walks on our lefty moonbats. I guess the BushBots, like about everything else involved with their ideology, are just products of their own imaginations.

Rating: 3.9/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (7)
Homeland Security Instructional Video: You Hear a Strange Noise
Posted by Frank J. at 01:17 PM | Email This

A while ago, I was sent a video illustration of part of my famous explanation of the Homeland Security Advisory System. Problem is, I can't find the old post where I linked to it and I forget who did it (it's in my e-mails at home somewhere).

Anyway, I'll add that information in later since I've been sitting on this for too long. Here's an instructional video on how to react to a strange noise in the house based on the Homeland Security's current alert level.

UPDATE: It's made by Eric Anderson and the video link now actually works.

Rating: 4.1/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (4)
It's Time to Face Facts: The War Against Bush Is Unwinnable
An Editorial by Frank J.
Posted by Frank J. at 12:02 PM | Email This

 The Democrats and progressives have been waging a war on Bush for years now. It started out for admirable reasons - getting Bush out of power using any means possible - but now it has become obvious that this can no longer be accomplished. Instead, the only ones losing power are Democrats. This war has to end.

"We thought the American people would welcome us as liberators."

 How many Democrats have lost office in this fight against Bush? While people seem to care about the death counts in Iraq, no one takes note as the number of Democrats who have lost office increases. Not only that, but there is the Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder from losing against Bush. It is obvious that Al Gore will never be able to live a normal life again and will require constant supervision for the rest of his days. Just check the internet for more instances of people having lost their minds trying to fight against the ethereal foe that is the Bush Presidency. And, to what end is this?

 Some will still argue that progress is being made, pointing to Bush's low approval ratings. "Sure," they say, "we weren't able to get rid of him in 2004, but soon enough people will turn against him to impeach him!" This is pure idealism that ignores the attitudes of those we are trying to free from the tyranny of Bush. We thought the American people would welcome us as liberators when we kept up our full out attacks on Bush, but they are obviously more concerned with terrorists than Bush and have turned against us Bush-attackers. It's sad, but it is true.

 So, do we give up and let Bush win? I'm afraid to say he already has won. Perhaps one day we could make people fear Bush more than terrorists, but, if we keep up in this way, there will be no Democrats left in office by the time that happens. We have to admit to ourselves that we attacked Bush without any real strategy for victory, and now it is time to pullout of this conflict. Instead, we must try and get Democrats back in power by focusing on our core issues: piddling-crap things such as healthcare and other free-handouts.

 The war against Bush is just not worth another Democratic politician.

Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is a frequent contributor to IMAOPodcast.com. He is also the author of such books as "The Population Bomb: A Brief History of the Palestinians" and "Insane or Stupid? A Guide to Judging Moonbats".

Rating: 2.7/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (56) | Best of IMAO 2006 ~ | Editorials
The Hunting Song, revisited
Posted by Laurence Simon at 11:06 AM | Email This

Remember Tom Lehrer's Hunting Song?

Well, let's have some fun with it, shall we?

I hope he doesn't hurt us,
Dick Cheney hunting in Corpus,
He went out to hunt some quail
How could Dick possibly fail?
He went and shot the maximum that Texas law allows:
No, not quail, or reporters - but a lawyer.

He just wanted to go have fun,
So he took his trusty shotgun
And went out to stalk his prey.
What a haul he made that day!
He tied him to his fender, and got to the hospital somehow:
No, not quail, or reporters - but a lawyer.

The coverage was vicious,
The networks most seditious
The worst accusations ever endured.
Since Scooter talked to Novak
The press just wants to attack
Is that why Dick's vision is blurred?

People ask him why he shot him
And he says "I knew i got him
When he held out a cashier's check
I just fired at his neck." (BLAM)
And there's ten satellite trucks by the hospital right now
No, not quail, or reporters - but a right-wing, Austin lawyer.

Rating: 3.9/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (4)
Sweet Dreams Are Made of These...
Posted by Frank J. at 11:05 AM | Email This

For those who caught the Winter Olympics opening ceremony on Friday, why were the stadium speakers stuck on a bad 80's hits station when the countries were marching in? I'm sorry, but "Video Killed the Radio Star" and "YMCA" do not get me pumped for athletic competition.

Then again, neither does skiing or skating.

Rating: 3.7/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (6)
It's the IMAO Podcast... Yee-haw!
Posted by sarahk at 09:45 AM | Email This

The newest Podcast is finally up! Look at all the exciting stuff that's in the podcast this week!

In Frank J.'s World of Knowledge, he gives you a close and personal interview with Mama Moonbat, Cindy Sheehan, whose accent and voice remarkably morph throughout the interview!

SarahK (that's me) reviews Underworld Evolution and also sings!

Harvey has Fun Facts about Maryland!

Exclusive preview for tonight's 24!

Everyone rants about wacky moonbats or Muslims or both!

The Crappy Bedtime Story returns!

and much much more! Hooray! So go download it now, and comment on it here!

Rating: 1.8/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (19) | IMAO for the Non-Deaf
The Agony Of Zorro
Posted by Laurence Simon at 09:35 AM | Email This

Okay, so my wife wanted a few things for Valentine's Day, one of which was the sequel to the Zorro movie on DVD. I hit Best Buy last week with a bunch of Reward Zone coupons and the content feeling that I was getting my shopping done early.

Then it was time to wrap everything... and I check the back of the movie... it's the same plot as the first movie?

Wait... I have The Mask Of Zorro, not The Legend Of Zorro.

Just try to guess who is hitting Best Buy again tonight.

I am such a moron.

Rating: 3.0/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (6)
Hunting the Deadliest Prey of All: Man!
Posted by Frank J. at 08:44 AM | Email This

As you all probably know by now (I found out from IMAO, myself) that Cheney shot some guy hunting. Apparently, the guy was in the line of sight between Cheney and his target, but, since Cheney was shooting at quail in the air, I'm not exactly sure how that happened.

You know the moonbats are going to freak out over this.

"Bush and his cronies can now shoot people with impunity!"

"Now we all know what we always suspected: Cheney releases dissidents to run in a field and then hunts them!"

What Cheney was using, though, was a 28-gauge shotgun. I don't know very much about shotguns, but I have a 12-guage for home defense and, the larger the gauge, the weaker the shotgun. Do people get hit with pellets from 28-gauge shotguns all the time?

"Ow! Dude, you totally shot me... and almost broke skin!"

The Brady Bunch have already made comments:

"Now I understand why Dick Cheney keeps asking me to go hunting with him," said Jim Brady. "I had a friend once who accidentally shot pellets into his dog - and I thought he was an idiot."

"I've thought Cheney was scary for a long time," Sarah Brady said. "Now I know I was right to be nervous."

That reminds me: Michael Z. Williamson sent me this, but I forgot to post it when it was more relevant:

6 Feb, 1942.

I celebrate her birthday every year by buying a gun. If she wishes me to stop buying guns, she has only to stop having birthdays.

All are encouraged to join me.

Or else send her a pack of smokes to hurry that lung cancer along. I believe she smokes Marlboros.

Rating: 2.4/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (6) | Frank on Guns
Podcast Any Minute Now
Posted by Frank J. at 08:25 AM | Email This

Sarah had the podcast done this morning, but she decided to make a couple changes. It should be up any second, ronin.

Rating: 2.7/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (1)
February 12, 2006
You make the call!
Posted by Frank J. at 09:18 PM | Email This

IMAO, Pan Am, and the No Tell Motel in Armstrong, Texas have teamed together to offer an all-expense paid trip to southern Texas, with first class accomodations, for a person of your choice to go quail hunting with Vice President Dick Cheney.

cheneeey3.jpg


Who should we send on an all expense paid hunting trip with VP Dick Cheney?
Ted Kennedy
Joseph Biden
Howard Dean
Hillary Rodham Clinton
Patrick Leahy
Jimmy Carter
Chuck Schumer
Nancy Pelosi
Al Sharpton
John Kerry
  
Free polls from Pollhost.com

UPDATE: And . . . what's good for the goose, is good for the gander . . .

Read More...


Rating: 3.3/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (30)
Cheney needs better aim
Posted by Laurence Simon at 04:07 PM | Email This

Don't think of it as Dick Cheney shooting a friend in a hunting accident.

Harry Whittington, 78, was "alert and doing fine" after Cheney sprayed Whittington with shotgun pellets on Saturday at the Armstrong Ranch in south Texas, said property owner Katharine Armstrong.

Armstrong said Cheney turned to shoot a bird and accidentally hit Whittington. She said Whittington was taken to Corpus Christi Memorial Hospital by ambulance.

Cheney's spokeswoman, Lea Anne McBride, said the vice president was with Whittington, a lawyer from Austin, Texas, and his wife at the hospital on Sunday afternoon.

Think of it instead as Dick Cheney only winging a laywer.

Rating: 2.7/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (12)
Go Palestine!
Posted by Frank J. at 01:30 PM | Email This

Congratulations to Palestinian Winter Olympic athletes Muhammed Ali Babba and Unidentified Female Consort # 7 for ranking third in pairs skating after the short program. It is currently undecided whether the Palestinian Olympic Committee will have Female Consort # 7 ritually stoned to death prior to or after the long program for showing her ankles. Nonetheless, go Palestine, and death to the Great Satan!

r1113425ss47.jpg

Rating: 2.2/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (9) | Best of IMAO 2006
Heartmaker
Posted by Laurence Simon at 09:29 AM | Email This

It's that time of year again...

Check out the ACME Heartmaker.

Rating: 2.0/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (3)
Tragedy Strikes Olympic Opening Ceremony
Posted by Frank J. at 12:01 AM | Email This

Tragedy struck the opening of the 2006 Winter Olympics when performance artist Giovanni Dagoseppi fell to his death . . .

dropingolyd.gif

The remainder of the opening ceremony went off without a hitch . . .

asdfolymop.jpg

eeeww0210aa2240.jpg

r2245dd831901.jpg

Rating: 2.3/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (10)
February 11, 2006
Winter? In Houston? Yeah, right.
Posted by Laurence Simon at 09:26 PM | Email This

The temperature in Houston will dip below freezing overnight

My wife has already wrapped me with Christmas lights, plastic sheeting, and thick blankets to prevent me from freezing solid and shattering. The cats are next.

I'll report back in the morning should I survive this ecological disaster.

Rating: 2.7/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (4)
she promised a podcast, but didn't post it til . . .
Posted by Cadet Happy at 01:10 PM | Email This

28dayslaterzz.jpg

Rating: 3.5/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (5)
2+2=5
Posted by Cadet Happy at 10:38 AM | Email This

source

Rating: 3.1/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (16)
February 10, 2006
"George Bush Doesn't Care About Black Puppets"
Posted by Frank J. at 10:25 PM | Email This

Funniest two hours ever (I mean other than reading this blog for two hours).

Rating: 3.3/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (10)
Instapundit Issues Fatwa
Posted by Harvey at 08:01 PM | Email This

(A Filthy Lie)

stuffed puppy.jpg

After this controversial picture of a young girl holding a stuffed puppy appeared on the CENTCOM web site, the leader of the Instapundslam religion, Imam Glenn al-Reynolds, issued a fatwa condeming the image:

"The central tenet of Instapundslam is that puppies should be blended to make potent energy drinks for the blogging faithful. It is blasphemy of the highest order to depict them in any form that is either adorable or unblended. This cuddly manifestation of our sacred power source is an affront to our beliefs. We demand an apology and the immediate pureeing of this unholy fluff-filled icon. Hmmm. Heh. Jihad. Indeed."


Imam Glenn al-Reynolds

The heart-warming image of the loveable tot and her cherished toy has provoked uncontrolled rioting and robot-dancing world-wide by outraged Instapundslamists.

Blogger Michelle Malkin denounced the fatwa as "the fevered rantings of a power-hungry, Satan-worshipping, hobo-murdering madman", and encouraged bloggers everywhere to protest al-Reynolds' pronouncement by posting pictures of themselves snuggling with stuffed animals and sending a trackback to her site.

"Honestly," said Malkin, taking a bite of a brownie made from minced kittens, "what kind of wacky religion would drink blended puppies?"

Rating: 1.2/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (10) | Filthy Lies
The Carnival of Comedy is now UP!!!
Posted by RightWingDuck at 05:22 PM | Email This

The Carnival of Comedy is now up and ready for your enjoyment.

Please visit RightWingDuck website to read amazing works of comedy genious - and to read the Carnival of Comedy.

Rating: 1.7/5 (5 votes cast)

So What Happened To The Carnival OF Comedy This Week??
Posted by spacemonkey at 02:23 PM | Email This

I know some of you may be wondering what happened to the Carnival of Comedy this week.

But if you are, you aren't saying much about it.

Reasons for no carnival this week:
A No host.
B. I am, frankly, too lazy/tired and well, GOOD to post it myself.

Sooo Entries for this week will rollover (just like your cell phone minutes!) and will be in next week's carnival of comedy which has a host..

Yay! For those of you who don't like the carnival that's TWO posts about it you didn't have to scroll past. And one which had good (to you) news about it.

In recap, I am sorry for there being no carnival this week.

We now return you to the regularly scheduled IMAO wingnuttery.

Update:: Unsuspecting schmuck, er, DUCK found to host.

Rating: 1.9/5 (4 votes cast)

Who Would Jesus Abort?
Posted by Frank J. at 01:15 PM | Email This

Okay, what's a progressive Christian? Someone who says, "Well, Jesus did have some useful view being that He's the Son of God, but it's time to move on to a more complex way of looking at morality than His constrained teachings."

And no one is twisted more in knots than a Christian trying to argue that abortion is a moral choice. Either, with no Biblical backing (actually, against Biblical teaching) the person has to argue that a person doesn't get a soul until birth (I once heard someone Jewish argue that "ensoulment" doesn't occur until the ears have passed into this world), or that it's okay to kill innocent people with a soul. I assume most pro-abortion Christians approach the issue by just not thinking about it, though.

And can you imagine Jesus telling someone he was better off not being born?

Rating: 1.8/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (27)
Levee MADNESS!
Posted by Frank J. at 12:53 PM | Email This

I've been hearing on the news that BUSH KNEW ABOUT THE LEVEES! This supports the theory that Bush plotted to blow up the levees since ONE MUST KNOW ABOUT SOMETHING TO PLOT TO DESTROY IT! Be wary if you are near any other structure Bush know about because HE MAY PLOT TO DESTROY THAT TOO! More information AS IT DEVELOPS!

Read More...


Rating: 3.0/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (8)
Potential Presidents: Condoleezza Rice
Posted by Frank J. at 12:08 PM | Email This

Polls show now that many Republicans are well positioned for 2008, and, as we all know, polls over two years before an election are a great indicator of how those elections will turn out.

Still, I think it should be the job of IMAO and its bloggers to get as much information as possible on who may run. Today, I'm going to take a brief look at Condoleezza Rice who keeps saying she won't run.

One problem with Condi is that, apparently, no one listens to her, as everyone keeps talking about her as a Presidential candidate. Her advantages are that she has experience at a national level and doesn't have any voting record to criticize. Also, she is able to use her mind to move small objects.

There would be a lot of controversy if she runs for President, though. For one thing, she is a race of some sort. Is America really ready to elect someone who belongs to a race? Also, she's a woman. Is America ready to elect a woman when, throughout history, it has been known that women are useless at everything?

And, what about her past? She once killed a man in self-defense, but some have said that killing was suspect since the man was found tied to a chair with three bullets in the back of his head. Is that something the Democrats will try to make an issue of?

And what about the anger issue? As we all know, women are moody. Also, Condi is known to totally freak-out if anyone forgets the second 'z' when spelling her first name. She once tossed a kindergartener across a classroom for that offense.

Still, Condoleezza Rice could make an interesting candidate. I'll have more information as I get it; just remember to stay tuned to IMAO, your 2008 Presidential Campaign headquarters.

Rating: 3.5/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (16)
While She's Distracted by the Figure Skating, I'll See If I Can Strangle Myself with My Cat's Tail
Posted by Frank J. at 11:03 AM | Email This

I just found out I'm supposed to watch the Winter Olympics with SarahK! That was never metnioned before I married her, man! That was not part of the deal! THAT WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL!

Rating: 3.4/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (29)
PSA
Posted by Frank J. at 11:00 AM | Email This

The final four episodes of Arrested Development will be shown tonight on FOX. The memorial service will immediately follow and end upon Arrested Development's blessed ressurection on Showtime.

Rating: 3.5/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (3)
Podfading
Posted by Laurence Simon at 10:09 AM | Email This

Apparently, there's a phenomenon called podfading going around:

The phenomenon has earned its own label, "podfading," coined by podcaster Scott Fletcher in February 2005 when he gave up on two podcasts of his own.

"I liken it to losing interest in a hobby and then coming up with the reasons you don't have time anymore," said Fletcher, a Peoria, Illinois, computer-program analyst who has since returned to the scene with his monthly Podcheck, a discussion of podcasting news.

Podfaders' motives vary wildly, from those discouraged by their lack of listenership to, in the Ozawas' case, a success that overwhelmed them.

Thank goodness we don't have that problem. Right, guys?

Um... guys?

Rating: 4.3/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (7)
New Idea!
Posted by Frank J. at 09:48 AM | Email This

Hey, why don't we all start a religion where Billy from Family Circus is our main prophet, and then we'll totally riot and burn things when he's portrayed in a comic. Who's in?

Rating: 3.9/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (29) | Best of IMAO 2006
No Senator Sheehan
Posted by Frank J. at 08:56 AM | Email This

Aww, schucks. Cindy ain't running for Senate.

Look at this quote, though:

"I, as an American and as the mother of a hero, pledge to do what I can as a citizen to end the occupation of Iraq."

Hero? I thought your son killed "freedom fighters" in an "illegal war." If she already has the waffling down, why not go for broke and be a Senator?

Rating: 3.6/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (9)
Friday Catblogging
Posted by Laurence Simon at 08:30 AM | Email This

Since it's Friday, I thought I'd spread the joy of humor-free, apolitical Friday Catblogging to IMAO (aka "I-MEOW").

Today, it's Nardo the Stripey:

If you're not sure how this absurd scene pertains to IMAO, since IMAO is famous for that "political humor" thing, it doesn't. If you must have some semblance of politics or humor in everything you read here, just assume that Nardo is... um...

Help me out here. Make your suggestions in the comments how this scene is, in fact, a political allegory.

(For more animal goodness, try Friday Ark today and Carnival of the Cats will be this upcoming Sunday, so send your catblogging links to submissions @ carnivalofthecats.com.)

Rating: 1.6/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (11) | Friday Cat-Blogging
Speared with the truth
Posted by Laurence Simon at 12:05 AM | Email This

Britney Spears was for driving with a baby in her lap before she was against it.

Thank goodness she's finally realizing her mistake. You know, before word gets out that she's a freaking moron, a lousy reckless mother, an egomaniacal celebrity bitch, and so on and so forth.

As a public service, here are the top ten places your baby shouldn't be while you're driving:

10. The trunk
9. Hanging out the window like a puppydog
8. The gastank (That's where tigers go, according to Exxon)
7. Stuck to a window with suction cups like Garfield
6. The glove compartment
5. In your mouth
4. Under the hood, holding the alternator together (That's what duct tape is for)
3. Dangling from your rear-view mirror
2. Jammed in the well of the fold-away rear seats in one of them sporty SUV cargo beds.
1.The ashtray (Unless your baby is dead and you had it cremated)

Rating: 3.1/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (9)
February 09, 2006
Krispy Kreme riots?
Posted by Laurence Simon at 06:24 PM | Email This

I got back from the Doctor's office at 13:40, fell asleep.

I woke up to this news:

Krispy Kreme stores in Houston will turn off the lights next month.

The closings come as part of a legal settlement between Krispy Kreme Doughnuts and its Houston franchisee Lone Star Doughnuts Ltd.

The franchisee had sued Krispy Kreme, claiming the doughnut chain pressured Lone Star to open new stores and threatened to declare a default if the franchisee refused, according to court documents. It also claimed Krispy Kreme forced Lone Star to buy unnecessary equipment and marked up cost of goods and supplies, the documents show.

Lone Star officials weren't immediately available for comment.

Excuse me a moment...

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Riot! Burn the embassies! Attack the army bases! Storm th-

The six area Lone Star Doughnut stores will cease to operate as Krispy Kreme on March 8.

The stores will reopen as Jumble's Dough Factory & Coffee Bar.

Krispy Kreme said today it plans to reopen stores in Houston, but didn't say when.

"Krispy Kreme remains committed to developing the brand in the Houston market and plans to re-establish stores in the area at the appropriate time," Steve Panagos, president of Krispy Kreme said in a statement released today.

Um... er... never mind.

Rating: 3.1/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (10)
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 04:05 PM | Email This

Why is Bush telling us now about a terror plot that was foiled in 2002?

Read More...


Rating: 2.9/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (9) | Fun Trivia
American Idol hell week
Posted by sarahk at 02:56 PM | Email This

well, Frank wants me to start cross-posting these here now that we're to this stage of the competition. so here are my thoughts on last night's show...

Read More...


Rating: 2.9/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (6) | SarahK's TV stuff
IMAO Riddle
Posted by RightWingDuck at 12:58 PM | Email This

This family found a dead mouse in their Campbells soup!

Do you know why they're so angry?

Read More...


Rating: 2.0/5 (1 vote cast)

Comments (4)
Podcast Soon!
Posted by Frank J. at 11:38 AM | Email This

It's all recorded, and Sarah is editing it togther today (and we're already working on ideas for the next one).

Until then, I should mention that John Hawkins scored an interview with Kate O'Beirne, one of the lefts' most hated women right now because of her new book.

Rating: 2.8/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (4)
Britney Spears' Top Ten Excuses
Posted by RightWingDuck at 11:04 AM | Email This

Britney Spears was recently photographed driving down Pacific Coast Highway with her baby on her lap.

I don't see how she could do that.

What's worse is her lame excuse that she was "escaping from the paparazzi' to protect her child. Personally, I don't know if she's done anything to deserve having her life endangered. I don't know. Maybe she drew some silly cartoon, maybe she recorded another album. What I DO know is that this is one LAME excuse.

So here are the

Top Ten Excuses Britney Should Have Used For Driving With Her Baby In Her Lap...

10. (Looking down at belling and acting completely surprised) What? I'm not pregnant anymore? And it's a boy!! yay.

9. I had somebody on my lap who doesn't do anything and is completely dependent on me? Are you sure it wasn't K-Fed?

8. Hey, buddy. somebody had to hold my beer can.

7. We have an agreement. I work the gas pedal and baby does the steering.

6. (Whining like a child) But baby likes to stick his head out the window.

5. K-Fed said I should lash the baby to the roofrack - but that would be irresponsible.

4. This is so much easier than those Baby On Board signs.

3. Who are you gonna believe - a picture, or my publicist?

2. That's not just a baby - it's an emergency airbag!

And the number one excuse Britney Could Have Used For Driving With Her Baby In Her Lap...

1.. I'm sorry, I got carried away singing the lyrics to PopoZao!

Rating: 3.2/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (5)
I Like Pandas!
Posted by Frank J. at 08:43 AM | Email This

Who remembers the Frank Fan Club and the One-Time Pads? If you do, DON'T SAY ANYTHING!!! It's important we still don't have any of that traced back to us because I think it's time to once again make the crazy and paranoid more crazy and paranoid. First thing, I'll need an e-mail list; anyone know the easiest way of maintaining a mass e-mail list? When that detail is figured out, I'll tell you all how to sign up for the fun.

Rating: 1.6/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (14)
February 08, 2006
You make the call!
Posted by Frank J. at 10:18 PM | Email This

Hamshahri, Iran's bestselling newspaper, has launched a competition to find the best cartoon about the Holocaust in retaliation for the publication of caricatures of the Prophet Mohammed. Which one of our creations do you think we should submit?

[NOTE: links for context are found at the bottom of this post.]

1hitlerfwwraxxnsAAsk.jpg

2hitlerfwwrssaxssnssk.jpg

3hitlerfwwraxxnsSSsk.jpg

4hitlerfwAAwraxxnssk.jpg

5hitler44fraSSnk.jpg

Mo_CartoWWons.jpg


Pick the cartoon Ayatollah Ali Khamenei will go gah-gah for?
Younger sister
Over the hill
Mo-mo
Brokeback Allah
Bulldozer
Remote trigger
  
Free polls from Pollhost.com

Iranian paper holds Holocaust cartoon contest. Visit here for the Arab European League's original, and here for background via Wikipedia.

Rating: 3.0/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (7) | Best of IMAO 2006
Check out these photos from my recent trip to Atlanta . . .
Posted by Frank J. at 09:53 PM | Email This

. . . to honor the life of Coretta Scott King.

churchsign.jpg

JimCrowATSFSign.jpg

stairs2.jpg

Rating: 1.9/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (5) | Best of IMAO 2006
SOTU-safe T-shirt
Posted by Harvey at 08:36 PM | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

During Bush's State of the Union Address, Gold-Star Mother and crazed anti-war activist Cindy Sheehan was kicked out of the event for wearing a T-shirt that said "2245 Dead -- How Many More?".

Meanwhile, Beverly Young - wife of Congressman C.W. Bill Young, (R-Florida) - was given the boot for wearing a T-shirt that said "Support the Troops Defending Our Freedom."

Let's see, can't oppose the war... can't support the war... surely there's SOME t-shirt that's non-controversial enough to not get you kicked out of the SOTU address...

Maybe this Fun Cat Trivia T-shirt...



* Cats have 18 toes - 5 on each front paw, 4 on each back. If your cat has 19 toes, that means it's male and you're an idiot.

* White cats with blue eyes are deaf. White cats with one blue eye are deaf in one ear. White cats with glowing red eyes are witches. Drown them in holy water.

* A cat's normal body temperature is 102° F. unless it's trapped under a pile of burning books, in which case it's 451° F

* Cats have no eyelashes, so don't be suckered into buying Maybelline's "Catscara".

* Cats are colorblind and thus oppose Affirmative Action quotas.

* A cat can jump 7 times as high as it is tall, which impresses everyone except Chuck Norris.

* Cats can survive falls from great heights because their paw pads are made from the same material as Roger Rabbit's head.

* An adult cat blinks an average of three times per minute - about the same rate that Ted Kennedy drinks.

* Some common household objects are fatal to cats, like Tylenol, philodendron plants, anti-freeze, and bullets.

* Cats have A, B, and O blood types, just like people, which makes them good bait for vampire traps.

* Cats don't think of themselves as little people, they think of people as large cats. Therefore, in order to establish your dominance over them, you should pee on your cat's head every so often.

* A cat's fur has a thick undercoat which causes it to make the same sound as a baby harp seal when you club it.

* To a cat, litter-box-filler appears to have the same texture as Rice Krispies. Protect your breakfast accordingly.

* The average cat has 40 whiskers, or 10 more than Frank J.

* Catnip has the same effect on cats as marijuana does on human beings. The feline equivlent of Pink Floyd and Twinkies is still, as yet, unknown.



Of course, if you're LOOKING to get booted from the SOTU, try:

"A Danish newspaper published my Muhammed cartoon and all I got was this lousy fatwa."

Rating: 2.6/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (2) | Best of IMAO 2006 ~ | Precision Guided Humor Assignments
Can I host the Oscars now?
Posted by Laurence Simon at 04:32 PM | Email This

Spacemonkey, Sandmonkey... Sandmonkey, Spacemonkey.

Rating: 2.0/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (7)
Go 'Stache Strength!
Posted by Frank J. at 03:23 PM | Email This

John Bolton has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. Whether he'll go berzerk and kill everyone in attendance if he wins is unknown but certainly hoped for.

Rating: 3.1/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (2)
Who is Jimmy Carter? An IMAO Educational Moment
Posted by RightWingDuck at 01:40 PM | Email This

At yesterday’s funeral for Coretta Scott King, we witnessed what Democrats do best: Bash Bush at every opportunity. Although some felt this was inappropriate for a funeral, many were grateful that they didn't use her casket as a podium.

What surprised me was that Jimmy Carter was the first to kick off the Bush Bash. Now, you might ask yourself, “Self, who the hell is this nut bag?”

Well, hold on to your history books, it's time to take a short look at...


The Top Accomplishments of Jimmy Carter

Former President Carter had the honor of having a loser, embarrassing brother; A proud tradition he carried over from President John F. Kennedy. (Teddy, I’m looking at you.)

In a tight economy, the Carter administration worked with the Iranians to have them care for American citizens for 444 days. This saved American businesses thousands of dollars.

Unfortunately, this ‘savings’ came to an end when that Bastard Ronald Reagan decides that these visitors needed ‘freedom.’

President Carter was once a member of the Bee Gees. Years later, he would be surprised to discover that they were men.

Jimmy Carter travels the world ensuring that elections are carried out fairly and offering certification of election results.

Some elections have even been certified AFTER the voting was completed.

In the 70’s, Jimmy shocked the nation when he admitted to having impure thoughts.: about the Bee Gees.

Although mislabeled as a gas shortage, it was indeed good for the environment. Plus those long lines were a great way to get to know your neighbors.

Waiting in line to gain absolutely nothing turned out to become an important selling point for the DNC .

Under President Carter, the military had few successful campaigns, but many successful bake sales. This allowed the army to buy more green things such as trucks, uniforms, and food.

Mr. Carter has been very active in working with Habitat for Humanity. An organization that creates housing for people who otherwise would have no hope of owning a home. Many times, he even pitches in to help build. This is a very odd sight: It's one of the few times you'll ever see a Democrat hit a nail right on the head.

**

I hope this educational primer entertained and informed. If not – Blame Bush.

We at IMAO pride ourselves on our ability to educate and enlighten. So the next time you see Jimmy Carter you can say, “Hey, I know who you are - I LOVED the Bee Gees!”

Rating: 3.0/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (14)
In My World: But How Would Mohammed Handle King Kong?
Posted by Frank J. at 01:17 PM | Email This

"Coretta Scott King's funeral was not the appropriate venue to punch Jimmy Carter in the groin," Laura Bush chided the President.

"Well, I'm just getting confused at what's appropriate and what isn't appropriate at a funeral these days," Bush complained as he entered his office.

"I'm going to bake some cookies," Laura said as she left.

Senator Leahy then entered the office. "You wanted to meet with me about your illegal wiretaps?"

"First off, I don't think they were illegal," Bush answered, "but I understand why some people might have concerns about the program. That said, I think it's a little political opportunistic to try and compare spying on terrorists to Nixon's wiretaps and the wiretapping of Martin Luther King."

"We're just letting the American people..."

Leahy was cut off when Bush punched him the gut. "I'm talking now. In my opinion - and in the opinion of many others - the most disturbing thing about this whole affair is that someone leaked information about a program involved with national security. That's treason." Bush then pulled out his peacemaker, cocked it, and placed it against Leahy's head. "You were identified as the leaker, so now I need to execute you by gunshot to the head to set an example to others!"

Leahy just stammered incoherently out of fear, but then the phone rang.

"What a minute while I answer this," Bush told Leahy. "What? ...Oh, not Leahy? ...Well, tell me when you find out who." Bush hung up the phone. He then decocked his revolver and put it away. "Ends up it wasn’t you, so I won't kill you... for now. You can leave now... and change your pants."

Leahy shuffled out of the office, and Bush sat at his desk. "Man, being President is hard," Bush muttered to himself. "Everyone is always yelling at me and trying to undermine me; I should find another job." Bush spotted a pad of paper and a pencil on his desk. "I know! I like cartoons, so I'll be a cartoonist!" Bush thought for a moment and then sketched away. Soon he had a drawing of Mohammed flying a fighter jet that was shooting at Godzilla. "Wow, this has so many layers of political commentary, it's mind-boggling!" Bush exclaimed as he marveled at his own work. "I better fax this to all the newspapers right now!"

* * * *

Laura entered the Oval Office carrying a tray. "I have cookies!"

"Give me! I'm a good President!" Bush yelled as he ran for the cookies.

"What have you been up to today?"

"I drew a political cartoon and some newspapers published it," Bush said between mouthfuls of cookies.

"About what?"

"Uh... I forget. I think it had Mohammed in it."

Laura dropped the tray. "Didn't you hear about what happened with the Danish cartoons about Mohammed?"

"No; I never even heard of the country Daneland."

Laura looked out the window to see a large group of angry Muslim extremists outside the White House gates holding signs saying things like "Death to Blasphemers of Mohammed," "Those Who Portray Islam as Violent Shall Meet Violent Deaths," and "No, We Don't Know What 'Irony' Means."

"Great," Laura groaned, "you're going to get the White House burned down for the first time since the War of 1812!"

"That reminds me," Bush said angrily, "We still need to get the Canadians back for that one." Bush then spotted Alberto Gonzales walking by wearing his usual poncho and Sombrero of Authority. "Hey! Gonzo! Come here!"

"What?"

"You're the Attorney General; you have to help us take care of these crazy Muslims."

"Fine. Whatever."

Laura and Bush followed Alberto outside. Alberto then went to the front gate, opened it, grabbed a crazy Muslim, pulled a piñata bat out from under his poncho, and started beating the Muslim silly. "Stop being stupid, stupid!"

A reporter came up to Alberto. "Are you torturing a Muslim?"

"I'm beating a Muslim, you stupid gringo," Alberto answered. "You reporters need to learn the difference between torture and beatings one of these days." Alberto then started hitting the reporter with his piñata bat. "Maybe you learn now!"

"Gonzales and his piñata bat just aren't going to solve this problem," Laura told Bush. "You need to go on TV and set things straight."

"Can it be the Daily Show?"

"No!"

* * * *

"I'm Tim Russert, and this is Meet the Press."

"You're named after a potato!" Bush exclaimed.

"Uh, not actually... anyway, our guest today is President Bush here to explain his cartoon about Mohammed."

"I don't see why there is outrage," Bush stated. "If you look at the life of Mohammed, I think it's accurate to say that, if Godzilla attacked a city, Mohammed would get in a F-16 and fight the monster."

"But, President Bush," Russert said, "that isn't the issue so much as that many Muslims find any depiction of Mohammed to be disrespectful of their religion."

"Well, I can't keep track of everyone's crazy beliefs! I mean, just look at the leftards on the internet; if I tried to keep track of all the crazy things they believe, I'd end up as crazy as they are." Bush then looked straight into the camera. "Still, to all the non-violent Muslims who were offended by this cartoon, I'd just like to say... in your face! I made fun of your prophet! And what are you going to do about it? Nothing! That's what! Go write some letter to the editor and see if I care!

"But, to the violent Muslims out there who want to kill me for my cartoon, I offer my deepest apologies. It was a total accident; my pen slipped, and suddenly there was a drawing of Mohammed. It happens sometimes. I hope you'll forgive me and not burn down the White House."

"In response," Russert said, "we have a Muslim extremist - coincidentally named Mohammed - to give us his views. Mohammed?"

The Muslim extremist fired an AK-47 in the air. "Kill Bush! Kill infidels!"

"On to plan B," Bush said as he pulled out a super-soaker and sprayed the Muslim. The Muslim screamed in pain and then melted into a puddle of goo. "So that's why they don't like bacon grease," Bush remarked, "it melts them and sends them straight to hell!" Bush then turned back to the camera. "All you Muslims out there being violent, I will spray you with bacon grease! I will! I want America to be known as the country with the nicest Muslims, so all you behave this instant!" Bush then pumped his super-soaker a couple time to emphasize his point.

"Do you have any other message for the American people?" Russert asked.

Bush thought for a moment and then looked up to the camera. "Ted Kennedy's head is huge! I mean, you can see it’s big on TV, but it's even bigger in person! You really have to see it for yourself. I hope that once his liver gives out, they'll preserve his head in one of those Ripley's Believe It or Not museums."

Russert just stared at Bush for a second. "Uh... anything else?"

Bush leaned back in his chair. "No... I think that covers everything."

Rating: 2.0/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (25) | In My World
Q&A on Abu Hamsa Al-Masri
Posted by Laurence Simon at 12:32 PM | Email This

Q: Why was Abu Hamsa Al-Masri given seven years in prison for inciting violence against Jews?

Read More...


Rating: 3.3/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (5)
New Releases
Posted by Laurence Simon at 11:01 AM | Email This

THE GOOD NEWS: There will be a new Curious George book out soon.

Read More...


Rating: 2.8/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (5)
You Might Be a Leftard If...
Posted by Frank J. at 10:42 AM | Email This

...you can't understand how Kennedy and Johnson wiretapping Martin Luther King and Nixon wiretapping his political enemies are any different from Bush wiretapping terrorists.

...you're perplexed why anyone would consider using a corspe as a soapbox "ghoulish."

Come on; don't be shy. Add your own in the comments. Let's get a big list going.

Why do I always have to do all the work...

Rating: 2.0/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (44)
February 07, 2006
Out-of-Control US Troops Collecting 'Protection Money' From Local African Tribe
Posted by Harvey at 08:06 PM | Email This

"That's a real nice school we just built for ya... be a shame if anything... you know... happened to it."

CENTCOM has the details

Rating: 2.7/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (1) | Our Military
Who's the Plantation
Posted by Frank J. at 03:43 PM | Email This

I just realized I used plantation rhetoric long before Hillary.

Go Frank!

Rating: 3.3/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (6)
With money to burn
Posted by Laurence Simon at 03:19 PM | Email This

While reading a story on Reuters about where the folks in Gaza get all those Danish flags to burn, I noticed this interesting tidbit...

Abu Dayya sources some of his flags from suppliers in Taiwan, but he buys Israeli flags from a merchant in Israel, even though he sells them to be burnt at anti-Israeli rallies.

Politics, schmolitics - there's a sale to be made.

I'm sure this is giving FrankJ some ideas.

Rating: 3.0/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (5)
Al Queda Spam?
Posted by RightWingDuck at 02:10 PM | Email This

This is too weird. Just the other day, and in the interest of diversity of thought, I subscribed to the ACLU email newsletter. Darn them. I now appear to be on some sort of spam list. See what you make of the email below.

**

We believe that whatever Allah has in store for us, it is good.

Dear Al Queda Buddy,

We are sending this to you with good intentions. By reading the poem and sending it on to at least 10 friends in the next 24 hours, you too could have many wonderful blessings.

Let us share with you some of the good things that have been happening.

Ali’s Story

Ali read this poem and sent it on to 10 Al Queda friends. Soon afterward, it was discovered that Ali was being spied on by the evil NSA. His plans for destruction were almost discovered. Thankfully, the media revealed the NSA’s horrible actions and now he and the ACLU have filed a lawsuit. Ali could be making millions!!

All because he read the poem and passed it on to 10 people.

Don’t believe us? Then read the story of…

Hassan.

Hassan got this poem and, being the believer that he is, quickly logged off Democratic Underground, and sent it on to ten friends. Later, he was able to carry out his Martyr Mission successfully, and is now basking in the glory of 72 wonderful virgins.

Great, right? But not all death is good. Especially, if you don’t forward this email. Let us tell you about…

Mahmoud

Mahmoud started to read the poem. But he had other issues to deal with so he stopped reading the poem, and went to work at his job at the NY Times. Later, Mahmoud was discovered dead, clutching a book by Michelle Malkin, with a big bag of pork rinds lying at his feet. It’s easy to suspect the Jews, but we blame it on his not reading the poem.


So act today. Make sure you read the poem and send this on to ten friends right away.

The Poem

Kill them, kill them dead
For saying that we do not tolerate
For saying that we hate

Kill them, kill them dead
For drawing cartoons
And putting a bad face on our prophet
Saying that his deeds were not worthy
Kill them, kill them all

Do they mock us?
Kill them
Do they not respect us?
How dare they insult our peaceful ways!

Kill them, Kill them, Kill them
Kill them, Kill them, Kill them
Kill them, Kill them, Kill them
Kill them, Kill them, Kill them
Kill them, Kill them, Kill them

**

You have read the stories, you have read the poem. Do you want curses or blessings?

Act today.

Remember, the more people you send this to, the more blessings you will discover.

Have a nice day.

**

Sigh,

I miss the days when most of my spam was for sex enhancement drugs, porn, and printer cartridges.

Rating: 2.6/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (9)
Frank Advice on Drawing Mohammed
Posted by Frank J. at 12:37 PM | Email This

So, you want to draw Mohammed? Follow these steps and you can have your own artistic depiction of the Prophet:

1. Obtain a drawing pad. If you don't want to spend money on one, a blank piece of white printer paper on top of a hard surface works for drawing.

2. Find a nice sharpened pencil or a quality mechanical pencil. For a good artistic depiction of Mohammed, you need good tools. Also, a clean eraser will help with the inevitable mistakes.

3. Assuming this will be a full body depiction, first draw a circle for the head and then mark the height of the entire body by making it seven times the head size. Do rough sketch of the body shape, legs, and arms based on standard proportions for a male subject.

4. Call your embassies in Middle Eastern countries to check their fire precautions including smoke detectors and fire escapes. When drawing Mohammed, it is essential your embassies already have procedures in case of fire.

5. Draw Mohammed's clothes. You can base this on the historically accurate depictions of clothing for the time. While it may be tempting to draw Mohammed with a leather jacket with one sleeve missing and a shotgun, this would not be an accurate depiction of the Prophet. If you can't find an image of proper clothing for the time period, use a muumuu as your model.

6. Check that your firearms are clean and loaded. You may need them at a moment's notice.

7. For Mohammed's head, a turban would be appropriate. Make sure to research tying styles to draw the turban accurately. Turbans are not made with towels and should not have a Holiday Inn logo.

8. Make sure to test your alarm system. If someone breaks into your house, you want to make sure that both you and the police will be notified by the alarm.

9. For Mohammed's face, make sure to draw him happy; if you were a prophet of Allah, wouldn't you be happy? He should have a beard, but don't use a member of ZZ Top as a model for the face.

10. Obtain a siren. Radical Muslims are easily scared by bright lights and loud noises.

11. Consider accessories such as a scimitar in Mohammed's hand and/or a scroll he has written. While a lightsaber might be fun, this is not what Mohammed would be seen holding according to historical records.

12. Practice drawing from your holster and make sure you can take off the safety and pull the trigger in one smooth action.

If you follow all these tips, you'll now have your own drawing of Mohammed and not be dead. Enjoy!

Rating: 3.0/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (16) | Best of IMAO 2006
PETA cares more about Arab donkeys than Jewish cats
Posted by Laurence Simon at 10:38 AM | Email This

Today, a kittycat was murdered by terrorists in Israel:

Two Qassam rockets landed in the south of Israel Tuesday. The first rocket hit a house in the town of Sderot, causing damage to property and killing a cat that was hurt by shrapnel in the backyard.

The rocket landed a few meters away from two kindergartens. Following the fall, the children were rushed into reinforced rooms.

The second rocket landed in an open area at a western Negev community.

...

Etti Altman, spokesperson for the Let Animals Live organization, expressed great anger over the cat's death in the attack.

"The organization regrets the fact that Qassam rockets also hit animals, and that a poor cat in the yard was killed as a result of the firing. The responsible groups should take this into consideration and understand that the terror organizations also have the animal rights organizations to deal with," she said.

And Islamic Jihad thought they had their hands full with IDF airstrikes. Now they have to deal with the fury of animal rights organizations - oy gevalt!

Hrm... animal rights organizations... well, PETA has said nothing about this poor, defenseless Jewish kittycat getting murdered by terrorists.

However, when it comes to Arab donkeys, Ingrid Newkirk of PETA gets all hot and bothered. From February 2003:

Read More...


Rating: 1.7/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (7)
Man's Best Friends, Terrorists' Worst Enemy
Posted by Frank J. at 10:27 AM | Email This

We had enough money left over from wedding gifts that I demanded we have money set aside to get a dog. I said to SarahK, "Woman, we're getting a dog!" I even informed my cat Sydney that, as soon as I get a dog, I'm never going to pay her attention ever again, so she better get it while it's available (she then bit me).

SarahK is now a housewife, so that helps, but I still need lots of information on getting a puppy and then caring for said puppy, so if anyone has that information or knows where to get that information, I'd appreciate the advice. We'll be getting a German Shepherd or German Shepherd mix. And, does anyone know anything about "crate training"?

Anyway, I'm so excited about getting a dog, I've decided to draw concept art. I'm going to name the dog Tuco after a character from my favorite movie. Here's my vision for Tuco in Phase 1:

In the initial phase, Tuco will be small and even lack the muscles for holding his ears up. His teeth will be small and pointy like needles and no good for the crushing of bones. Also, he'll have a cuteness factor that will keep him from intimidating my foes. Thus, we move on to Phase 2:

I will train away Tuco's cuteness by having him attack the cats (who are a constant annoyance to me). Anytime the cats make noise, I'll yell, "Tuco! Cats!" and he'll go bite the cats until they're quiet. This will also help him wear out his puppy teeth. This training will eventually lead to Phase 3:

Now, Tuco will be a lean, mean fighting machine. Also, he'll probably be angry for no reason. All I'll have to do is direct is anger at my enemies. I won't stop there, though, as, after enough funding, I hope to move to Phase 4:

Read More...


Rating: 2.4/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (33) | Frank the Artist
PWNED!
Posted by spacemonkey at 09:26 AM | Email This

SWEEET!

McCain PWNED Obama!

Not that I am a big fan of McCain's, really.

I haven't liked him since he killed McAble.

Rating: 2.6/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (13)
February 06, 2006
24 Day 5 - 1:00 p.m.
Posted by sarahk at 10:26 PM | Email This

* yay! graphic violence! SPOILERS BELOW THE FOLD.

Read More...


Rating: 2.6/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (8) | SarahK's TV stuff
If It's So Smart, How Come It Don't Know Nothing About Me?
Posted by Frank J. at 05:00 PM | Email This

There is finally a Wikipedia entry for IMAO.

I've gone from hating Wikipedia just because to finding it quite useful for non-controversial topics, at least (you want to quickly know the kingdom, phylum, calss, order, family, and genus of the platypus with cross-references, I don't think you can find a better site).

There were two links to IMAO.us in Wikipedia until just a couple days ago (a link to IMAO on the Mumia page was removed on Janurary 30th). Now I have but one (heh; I'm an entertainer).

That reminds me; I have a video to show you guys. Stay tuned...

UPDATE: Did some write an IMAO Blog page just so I could get deleted again? Since last time (I forget when that was and am too lazy to look it up), they now have specific guidelines for what makes a website and a blog "notable." Maybe a case could be made, but I don't feel like it. Still, getting called "non-notable" really stings. Stupid wiki-doodie-heads.

Hmm, but they seem to use Alexa to judge sites. If everyone got one of those Alexa bars, we could inflate that...

UPDATE 2: Here's the debate the previous time someone wrote a page. It was closer then, even though the article on IMAO was horrible and didn't follow Wikipedia guidelines at all.

Rating: 2.8/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (9)
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 04:19 PM | Email This

How is the NSA spying on the general populace now?

Read More...


Rating: 2.8/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (14) | Best of IMAO 2006 ~ | Fun Trivia
Fun Trivia
Posted by spacemonkey at 03:48 PM | Email This

How is the Religion of Peace unlike a sportscar?

Read More...


Rating: 2.3/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (4) | Fun Trivia
We Know It's Crap, But It's Better Than Some Boring Oscar Nominee
Posted by Frank J. at 02:16 PM | Email This

I just noticed that, for three weekends in a row, the top grossing movie was not screened for critics. I don't know about you, but, if I were a film critic, I'd be feeling pretty useless about now.

...if I wasn't feeling useless before, that is.

BTW, one of those movies, Underworld: Evolution, will be reviewed in the next podcast. Yee-haw!

Rating: 3.5/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (6)
Always look on the bright side of death
Posted by Laurence Simon at 12:44 PM | Email This

Know what the worst thing about getting death threat phone calls last week was?

Read More...


Rating: 2.7/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (7)
Christians Would Be Mocked Less by the Media If They Stopped Listening to Jesus
An Editorial by Frank J.
Posted by Frank J. at 12:37 PM | Email This

 The left are having a lot of trouble with the Muslim cartoon riots, as they can’t seem to come to any conclusions different than those of right-wingers. The Muslims aren't even rioting against the things the left wanted them to get angry about like the invasion of Iraq and supposed torture. The only thing that seems to get the radicals out in the streets so far have been a phony story about a flushed Koran and a couple of cartoons. A few lefties, struggling to hold onto their warped world view where the Muslims radicals are the victims since the terrorists hate Bush, try to equivocate Christian fundamentalists with Islamic radicals since Christians also complain when they get made fun of.

"Jesus is all peace and love, and, whatever the merits of that message, that won't frighten the media away from making fun of you."

 And it's true; we complain a lot. That's because, unlike the Muslims, we get targeted in the mainstream media all the time. There were even tax dollars going to a crucifix in a jar of urine, and we complained... but that's all we did. Where were the burnt buildings? Where were the beheadings? Moron rapper Kayne West posed as Jesus on a magazine cover; where's the fatwa against him?

 Christians don't even have a word for "fatwa"! Know why? Jesus.

 Jesus is all peace and love, and, whatever the merits of that message, that won't frighten the media away from making fun of you. As we've seen, believable threats of violence and death tend to make people more sensitive about your feelings. Too many Christians, though, won't murder an infidel or a blasphemer because it's not "what Jesus would have wanted." Well, as long you're hiding behind that excuse, who is going to be afraid of us?

 Remember back when Christians stopped listening to Jesus and murdered whomever they didn't like? How many people mocked Christianity during the Spanish Inquisition? Not very many people at all.

 Frankly, I have little room to complain, as I've been listening a bit too much to Jesus too. Last time my Christian sensibilities were offended, know how many embassies I burned?

 One or less.

 Well, it's time for a change. I've even come up with how to pretend it's in my religious beliefs to do violence on behalf of hurt feelings. I'll just extrapolate Jesus knocking over a few tables in a temple into igniting a consulate while ignoring all that "turn the other cheek" stuff. So, come on, Christian brethren, it's time to burn and pillage until people quiver in fear at the thought of mocking us.

 I say we start with the Muslim countries; not much respect there.

Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is a frequent contributor to IMAOPodcast.com. He is also the creator of such blasphemous illustrations as "Jesus Versus Mohammed: The Cage Match" and "Buddha Robbing a Liquor Store".

Rating: 2.3/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (20) | Editorials
Super Bowl Observations
Posted by RightWingDuck at 11:43 AM | Email This

I enjoyed the Super Bowl yesterday. It's a much more enjoyable time when you aren't worried about your own team winning. So, I'd like to share with you some of my feeling and reflections on this years event.

RWD's Super Bowl Observations:

When it comes to scoring, teams from Pittsburgh are granted a Groundhog Exception. As long as the shadow of the football can be seen in the end zone – the touchdown is counted.

However, this gives them six more weeks of winter.

No touching in the end zone. Any touching will be counted as offensive pass interference.

Is it me, or were some of the most exciting passes the ones that ended in interceptions?

Seattle has one fugly uniform. With the teams recent success, hopefully they can stop shopping at Honest Al’s Football Uniform Outlet.

Stealer fans greatly outnumbered Seattle fans. It must have been tough on them. Especially with all the Steeler fans snapping towels at them.

Mick Jagger is an international star. But if I were to dance like that, I’d be accused of being intoxicated. And uncoordinated. And really, really old.

The Stones are at the point in their career where they can “dial it in.” I could swear I saw Keith Richards napping.

In a perfect world, they would have had the music in the background and kept the camera on the pretty girls in the audience.

Speaking of intoxicated; I have decided to boycott Radio Shack because of their commercials. By spending money at their stores, I would be enabling what can only be considered a serious drinking problem. Who signed off on those horrible commercials?

Commercial: Girl with horrible accent: This is the Ipod. Buy me this ipod, it’s great. It’s got "I" and it’s got "Pod." Oh, and accessories. BTW, can you see my herpes blister?

Sweetest commercial. The Budweiser Clydesdale where the baby horse is pulling the Budweiser wagon, and the momma, and poppa are right behind pushing. Too sweet..

Weirdest Commercial: Burger King. You have all these dancers dressed as pieces of hamburger, tomatoes, onions, and what not. In the end, they all pile on top of each other onto a bun. I wasn’t sure if I was viewing a salad or an orgy. I was waiting for a big squirt of mayonnaise.

Stupidest commercial: The Don’t be too Quick to Judge commercials. (slaps his knee) Gee, a woman ends up straddling a guy on an airplane flight. How edgy. How bold. How stupid.But then again – maybe I shouldn’t be too quick to judge.

BTW, what product was that? I don’t know, but at least there was no mayonnaise.


John Madden is an excellent football announcer. Frank Gifford would do better if he spent most of the game asking, “What do you think, John?”


**

Congratulations to the Steelers. They had a great season, a hard fought playoffs and a wonderful game yesterday. That was an excellent peformance. What do you think, John?


UPDATE: Correction. The announcer with John Madden was not the horrible Frank Gifford: it was the horrible Al Michaels. Thanks for the correction from reader Vic.

Rating: 2.7/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (16)
Leave It to Boehner
Posted by Frank J. at 09:44 AM | Email This

I know many of you have been waiting for my opinion on the new Majority Leader so you'd know what to think. First, of course, I had to listen to the pundits on TV so I'd know what to think. Problem was, everything they said was boring so I had to come up with an opinion of my own.

MY OPINION:

The establishment all wanted Blunt and every single blog wanted Shadegg, thus we got Boehner. This is good.

All the howler monkeys of the leftwing blogs were screeching and flinging poo about wanting a filibuster on Alito, so the Democrats gave them their dog and pony show. When the rightwing blogs made a fuss, the Republicans seemed to listen (no Blunt), but they didn't answer, "How high?" when we said, "Jump!" (no Shadegg) Again, that is good. As soon as the Republicans do everything blogs tell them, that means they’re weak and out of ideas. The establishment is still strong enough that, when we demanded Shadegg, they were like, "Well, who the hell are you?"

And, no, I don't know how to pronounce "Boehner," but Godspeed to him.

Rating: 2.2/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (5)
What a Coincidence...
Posted by Harvey at 08:13 AM | Email This

Leslie of Leslie's Omnibus posted about a Chicago Trib columnist (Amy Dickinson) who bashed blogs in a recent column. (Go here for a free Bug Me Not login if you're not registered with the Trib)

Ironically enough, I *just* got a letter from a concerned reader with her OWN tale of woe that shares some striking parallels with the Dickinson missive (you may want to read the Trib column first so that you can see the similarities).

I've posted it below, along with my response.



My on-and-off boyfriend of three years started registering for and logging in to chicagotribune.com about five months ago.

He is in a band, so the whole idea made sense to me for networking and promoting his band. Then, all of a sudden, chicagotribune.com took over his life and he started waking up immediately to log on. He had a slew of factually-inaccurate articles & extreme left-wing columns he read all day.

He read this one woman who wrote every thought that entered her head and every conversation she had into a column -- and I was able to follow and track the progress of her increasingly bile-filled political bias -- because it was all publicly posted.

Of course, he and I are no longer seeing each other because I was devastated by the number and the depth of the lies which were fed to him by this woman -- each time she lied, HE would end up repeating what she had said in her many columns. Most important, I was unhappy with who I had become -- this insane voyeur logging onto chicagotribune.com each day to check up on why my boyfriend had become a frothing, Bush-hating, liberal moonbat.

This woman provided details about conversations with "anonymous sources", details about secret National Security Agency programs, insensitive cartoons about wounded soldiers -- even exploitable details about the vulnerabilities of America's transportation infrastructure -- things that I am sure people never expected posted on the Web. I worry that, since chicagotribune.com has no conscience, they will sell my personal information to porn-spammers. What do you think of this?

Signed,
Tribulated

********

Dear Tribulated,

For people who don't know, chicagotribune.com is an online "newspaper" of other people's photos and life stories, where "journalists", build "readerships" and write "columns" to while away their sad and empty days. (A "newspaper" is large sheets of paper covered with words -- sort of like a CNN transcript.) According to one recent estimate, there are more than 70 million newspapers being printed around the world.

As your letter points out, the virtues of life at a newspaper are also its deficits. People can easily meet and develop working relationships, but the problem with developing relationships with strangers is that strangers have no reason to respect your privacy -- they have no qualms about exposing you for misquoting or even completely making up sources. Your story is yet another reason why life as a columnist has become not only messy but also so boring. People who live a journalist's life don't have actual experiences. Their stories tend to reflect that.

I can't understand why people are so hungry to share their every waking thought with the rest of the world -- and I certainly don't understand why people are interested in reading these musings, personal details and outright lies.

Maybe you should try reading blogs, instead.

Rating: 2.7/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (3)
Super Bowl The Big Game Ad Talkback
Posted by Frank J. at 07:01 AM | Email This

So what ad did you like best? I liked the one for the local news at eleven.

UPDATE: SarahK has a post on all the commercials here. I probably liked the "crime detterence" one best. The Fed Ex one was good, but old-fashioned physical comedy beats out special effects in the end. The other Sprint/Nextel commercial (with the couch on fire) was also pretty good.

And were Sarah and I the only ones who liked the Emerald Nuts commercial?

Rating: 2.3/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (10)
February 05, 2006
Um, Frank?
Posted by Laurence Simon at 01:09 PM | Email This

I can understand this whole "Nuke The Moon" obsession, Frank, but isn't this taking things just a little too far?

(If you're going to nuke anyone, maybe think about David Carr? We could really use Vince Young, you know.)

Rating: 2.3/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (5)
Separated at Birth?
Posted by Harvey at 08:39 AM | Email This

Am I the only one who thinks Cindy Sheehan

cindy.jpg

looks like that sleepy bloodhound from Hee Haw - Beauregard the Wonderdog?

Beauregard.jpg

Rating: 1.8/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (19)
February 04, 2006
The most annoying word of 2006
Posted by Laurence Simon at 09:21 AM | Email This

It's only February 4th, and I already know what the most annoying word of the year is going to be: Brokeback.

Yeah, you sometimes get your Where's the beefs? or your e-Something or Something-dot-com, but Brokeback Something is getting old really fast.

The problem with the "Of The Year" panels of self-appointed experts festivals at the end of the year is that nobody remembers what was really annoying or popular back in the early months. The Recency Effect makes people focus on the annoyances of November or December, while the annoyances of January and February feel like a lifetime ago.

Or, in Shirley MacLaine's case, a previous-lifetime ago.

They also never agree on the words. Podcast, Truthiness, and Integrity all had equal footing this year. (Note to Frank: We need to do a "Truthiness Integrity Podcast")

What do you think will be the word of the year for 2006?

Rating: 1.8/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (14)
Slow Down! Slow Down!
Posted by Harvey at 09:01 AM | Email This

Teamsters.jpg

Plagued by ruthless efficiency in recent re-building efforts, this Mosul road project was forced to import lazy-ass Teamsters from Jersey to maintain its featherbedding quota.

See CentCom for the complete story.

Rating: 2.9/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (5)
February 03, 2006
Eh. It's for a Good Cause
Posted by Harvey at 11:05 PM | Email This

V7ndotcom elursrebmem

Rating: 3.3/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (1)
Illoogle
Posted by Harvey at 06:39 PM | Email This

(A Filthy Lie)

Sometimes I really regret signing up for Instapundit's mailing list. Every day it seems like my inbox is bogged down with notices about his latest illicit get-rich-quick scheme.

Like this one, for example:



From: Glenn Reynolds - Blogospheric Overlord
To: Those who will someday kneel before me

Now that Google has cast aside its foolish "core belief" of "don't be evil", I've been able to partner with them to bring you:

ILLOOGLE!™

A clearinghouse for information on all the illegal, immoral, questionable, offensive, and/or downright shady products and services offered by Evil Glenn Industries, Inc.

With the power of Illoogle™, you'll have access to:

Pup-A-Mule - Tired of risking your loved ones' lives by having them swallow heroin balloons? With Pup-A-Mule, you can turn any puppy into your own personal 4-legged drug importation vector. Kit comes with surgical steel scalpel, Ziploc brand re-sealable HeroIn Bags, and Arrow brand tummy-stapler for post-insertion closure.

Legal Notice: Not responsible for personal injury due to unremoved tummy-staples in puppy shakes.

Sacra-Hobo - Need a human sacrifice to appease your Satanic master's need for fresh blood? You could shop your local Screen Actors Guild Union Hall (it's not like anyone would miss a Tim Robbins or two), but why not let us deliver a US Grade A Government Select hobo right to your door, instead? Bound, gagged, and pre-inebriated to reduce struggling, these pathetic creatures are accepted as payment on soul-for-power contracts by most major evil deities.

Legal Notice: Be sure to check your soul-for-power contract for specific terms and conditions. Not responsible for unspeakable afterlife torturings resulting from contract breaches.

Mo-ha-ha-ha-med - Live in a country that's caved in to terrorist demands to censor cartoons that make fun of Islamic prophets? Look no further than the Mo-ha-ha-ha-med web portal, where you can find all the funniest portrayals of the head-choppingest, child-bride-takingest, bomb-for-a-turbinest prophet that ever wrote a Koran. Don't let YOUR cowardly government control what you can and can't see. Use Mo-ha-ha-ha-med and take a firm stand for free speech!

Legal Notice: Not responsible for renegade JOOOOOOS! having fatwahs issued against them.

CommieTruth.com - Ok, I lied. Screw free speech. APPROVED speech is where it's at. CommieTruth.com is the only search engine guaranteed to provide the 100% capitalist-pig-opinion-free information that my Maoist masters feel that it's safe for you to know. After all, those guys are smart enough to oppress 1.3 billion people. You've probably never even oppressed a goldfish, so who the hell are YOU to say that rude little Tiananmen Square rumor is true? Huh? HUH?... that's what I thought... you just keep your yap shut, little man.

Legal Notice: YAY! Commies!



You'll also find:

Sa-Tan-A-Rama Soul-For-Power Contracts
Hmmm, Heh, & Indeed - Shysters at Law
Frank J. Punchers Anonymous
Ann Althouse hOt aMaTeUr Webcam
Pez! Pez! Pez! (from the makers of Soylent Green)

Plus hundreds of other specialty sites, only available through:

ILLOOGLE!™

Rating: 2.4/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (4) | Filthy Lies
What's The Big Deal?
Posted by spacemonkey at 02:31 PM | Email This


Rating: 2.1/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (13)
I Am a Great Thinker If Nothing Else
Posted by Frank J. at 02:07 PM | Email This

This reminds me, should the principle of using irrational violence to discourage violence be called the "Frank J. Principle" or the "Nuke the Moon Principle."

Also, I need to update that page's template and probably date it for reference. Man, I wrote that way back when I was getting only 3 unique visits a day... and two of them were me.

Rating: 1.4/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (10)
Friday Catblogging
Posted by Laurence Simon at 09:23 AM | Email This

Since it's Friday, I thought I'd spread the joy of humor-free, apolitical Friday Catblogging to IMAO (aka "I-MEOW").

Today, it's a two-fer: Nardo the Orange and Piper the Crazy:

If you're not sure how this absurd scene pertains to IMAO, since IMAO is famous for that "political humor" thing, it doesn't. If you must have some semblance of politics or humor in everything you read here, just assume that Nardo and Piper are... um...

Help me out here. Make your suggestions in the comments how this scene is, in fact, a political allegory.

(For more animal goodness, try Friday Ark today and Carnival of the Cats will be this upcoming Sunday, so send your catblogging links to submissions @ carnivalofthecats.com.)

Rating: 1.1/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (11) | Friday Cat-Blogging
Chris DeBurgh was right: Don't pay the ferryman until he gets you to the other side
Posted by Laurence Simon at 09:12 AM | Email This

TOP SECRET
CONVERSATION ABOARD Z.O.G. SCHLOMO GOLDBERG
(SECRET ISRAELI NUCLEAR SPY SUB)

CAPTAIN: Are our missiles ready to launch against Mecca, Medinah, Cairo, Damascus, Tehran, and Southfield Hills?
FIRST MATE: Aye aye, Captain.

*THUD*

CAPTAIN: What was that?
FIRST MATE: Heck if I know. But our hatch doors are damaged.
CAPTAIN: Return to base at once.
FIRST MATE: Shouldn't we fix the hatches and fire the missiles?
CAPTAIN: Of course not. I'm out of horseradish for my gefilte fish.
FIRST MATE: Aye aye, Captain.

CONVERSATION ENDS
DESTROY TRANSCRIPT UPON RECEIPT

Read More...


Rating: 2.0/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (7)
February 02, 2006
Ai-buh-bye-bo
Posted by Laurence Simon at 03:28 PM | Email This

Q: Why did Sony terminate the Aibo product?

Read More...


Rating: 2.7/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (5)
The Freshest Carnival of Comedy is up at SCG.
Posted by spacemonkey at 03:26 PM | Email This

Taleena at Sun Comeprehending Glass has just notified me the Carnival of Comedy has been posted

I haven't looked at it, did she do good?

I need hosts/ostesses.

Rating: 2.8/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (3)
If You're Wondering Why Glenn Reynolds Is Acting Funny...
Posted by Frank J. at 03:14 PM | Email This

...it's because he needs to check his puppies better before he blends them.

Rating: 2.0/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (3)
Spacemonkey's New Book
Posted by spacemonkey at 12:59 PM | Email This

--Welcome, Instapundit readers!

My new book* Anarchy Of Franks: How Monkeys With Ninja Training Empower Extraordinary Bloggers To Beat Big Lefty Bloggers, Big Centrist Bloggers and Other Goofballs. is ready to go to the publisher!
ANARCHYOFFRANKS.JPG

My book** is all about*** the GBW (Great Blog War) and how Frank J. is the Anti-Insta and oops, I've given too much of the plot away already. So, buy, then read**** the book! Oh shoot, just buy***** it, I don't really care****** if you read it or not.

My book is NOT associated in any way with Glenn Reynolds'******* book, An Army of Davids

* If ONLY I had a book.
** When I ever get around to writing one.
***.Or more likely some... other stuff, would you buy one?
**** There's no book, really.
***** Cha-ching! I likey da money. Woops forgot, no book.
****** This is probably the truest part of this whole thing.
******* Glenn, please, don't sue me for what I did to the cover art.

Rating: 1.9/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (16) | Best of IMAO 2006
The Only Thing I Might Pull Out Is My Foot Out of Your Ass... But It's Unlikely
Posted by Frank J. at 12:34 PM | Email This

A Marine is hit by an IED, and, as soon as he is patched up, he stands up and flips the captured terrorist the bird (he refused being brought to the helicopter on a stretcher so as not to show the terrorist weakness).

That's like Chuck Norris bad.

He probably could have gone home on that injury but didn't want to. Semper Fi.

Rating: 3.8/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (19)
Now Send Me a Free Copy
Posted by Frank J. at 11:14 AM | Email This

Glenn Reynolds has his book available for pre-order. It's currently ranked #133 in books, but let's see how well it will do now that I am telling everyone to go buy it now.

UPDATE: It's now ranked #1,283,945 in books.

Rating: 2.8/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (2)
Pez - The Bread Of Life!
Posted by Laurence Simon at 09:13 AM | Email This

Q: What flavor of candy do you get from a Glenn Reynolds Pez Dispenser?

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Rating: 2.3/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (5)
Kids These Days
Posted by Frank J. at 08:31 AM | Email This

Everyone keeps saying how kids these days don't have basic knowledge, but they seem to know Ted Kennedy pretty well (second paragraph).

(hat tip to Best of the Web)

In other news, the bipolars at Democratic Underground, who just moments ago were claiming that Alito would beckon in the apocalypse, are wondering if he's the next Souter after his first decision. Bad Alito! You're supposed to be for the killing of everyone and everything!

Rating: 3.3/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (6)
February 01, 2006
Never Before Has a Picture of Hillary Cried Out So Loudly to Be Captioned
Posted by Harvey at 09:59 PM | Email This

See GOP and College's latest caption contest.

Rating: 3.2/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (17)
coming soon to a theater near you . . .
Posted by Cadet Happy at 09:20 PM | Email This

brokebackIMAO.jpg

Rating: 2.7/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (25)
Poor Cindy Gets Brutalized :(
Posted by RightWingDuck at 07:49 PM | Email This


Poor Cindy Sheehan.

She stepped out to see the State of the Union address and enjoy a relaxing evening of non-stop picture- taking but ended up posing for even more mug shots.

Michael Moore’s website has the latest letter from her explaining her side of the story.

Here's my favorite quote - where she explains the horrible treatment she received at the hands of security:

He then ran over to me, hauled me out of my seat and roughly (with my hands behind my back) shoved me up the stairs.

The nerve! The brutality!

Here’s the photographic proof!!

CindyBehindBack1.jpg

Just look at those hands, held roughly – behind – her - hmmmm.

Hey - that's HER arm. And it's not being held roughly behind her!!!

There can only be one explanation!!

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Rating: 3.3/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (15)
Hamas: The First 100 Days
Posted by Harvey at 05:41 PM | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

Now that Hamas has been elected to rule the Palestinian Authority, they've outlined their agenda for the first 100 days of their administration:



* Fire guns into the air while shouting "ULULULULULULU!"

* Bury people who died from falling-bullet wounds. Blame deaths on JOOOOOOS!

* Throw rocks at JOOOOOOS! in retaliation.

* Realize too late how stupid it is to bring a rock to a gunfight.

* Attempt to be superior to all other Arab nations by raising an army that can't be beaten by a troop of Israeli Girl Scouts.

* Double the current Palestinian Authority spending on education programs by declaring that suicide bomber vests will now be considered "books".

* Scale back plans to push the JOOOOOOS! into the sea, by practicing on a pile of tiny pebbles.

* Get asses kicked by a pile of tiny Jewish pebbles.

* Give up attacking Israel and start with something easier to conquer, like France.

* Which will then become known as "Paristine".

* Attend formal dinner with Kim Jong Il, in celebration of the fact that he now pronounces the country's name correctly.

* Adopt new national motto of "Palestine - all the violent terrorist thuggery of other Arab nations, but without all the oil."

* Fly the new Palestinian flag (see extended entry)...

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Rating: 2.1/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (10) | Precision Guided Humor Assignments
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 04:17 PM | Email This

During Cindy Sheehan's couple hour stay in prison last night, how many prisoners hanged themselves?

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Rating: 2.8/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (6) | Fun Trivia
Outraged by AOL? We AM!!
Posted by RightWingDuck at 01:50 PM | Email This

World Net Daily is reporting that AOL’s new phrase “I AM Instant Messaging” seems to offend Christian sensibilities. (hat tip: Outside the Beltway).

Can you imagine opening your AOL account and seeing the marketing phrase “I AM”? For one, it means you’re an idiot because you’re using AOL – but let’s focus on the other victim in this fiasco.

Here for you is an IMAO exclusive reader who is outraged by the latest blasphemy from AOL.

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Rating: 3.0/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (13)
In My World: New Justice, New Speech
Posted by Frank J. at 01:13 PM | Email This

"Alito is a menace to our country," Kerry said to the Senate, "He will..."

"Can we vote for cloture now?" a random Senator shouted out.

"Sure, let's end this crap," Dick Cheney answered, "Let's vote."

"Gerwarger... Aliotioto!" Kennedy objected.

The vote went ahead anyway, and Cheney counted the votes. "We have 114 votes for cloture and 3 votes against." Cheney paused for a moment. "That doesn't seem right, but, whatever. Debate has now eneded!"

Guards came in, gagged Kerry, and dragged them away. Kennedy was fed whiskey until he passed out.

"Now we'll vote on confirming Alito," Cheney said. "Hell... we know how that vote is going. Let's just go ahead and say he's confirmed. Any objections?"

Reid began to speak, but then Cheney pulled out a gun and shot him in the kneecaps.

"No objections," Cheney stated.

Alito ran up to where the nine justice were seated, grabbed Sandra Day O'Connor, and tossed her out of her seat. He then pumped his arms in the air and yelled, "I'm now a Supreme Court Justice, and you call can suck it and suck it hard! Woooo!"

* * * *

"It's a good day," Bush said as he sat in his office. "Now I just need to knock 'em dead with my State of the Union Address. Hey, Alito, everytime I announce a new wacky scheme, I need you to stand up and shout, 'That's perfectly Constitutional!'"

"No problem," Alito answered. "Hey, I don't like some of the other Justices and am thinking of having them whacked. Is that okay?"

Bush shrugged his shoulders. "I don't got no say over the Judicial Branch; do what you want. Now, let's get speakerin'!"

* * * *

Bush stood in the Capitol prepared to speak, but up in the rafters a woman shouted, "Bush lied! People died!"

Bush squinted to see who it was. "Cindy Sheehan? Who the hell let her in here?"

"How many more people must die before I get more media coverage!" Cindy yelled.

"I'm sorry about your son, but shut the hell up!" Bush shouted back.

"I'm not sorry! He was a baby killer who fought the freedom fighters in Iraq in only want to blow up children in peace!"

Bush shook his head. He then turned to some guards all in black. "Gestapo, take her outside and shoot her."

"That's perfectly Constitutional!" Alito said.

The guards quickly made their way to Cindy Sheehan, grabbed her, and dragged her outside. Soon, the sound of a gunshot was heard. Bush sighed in relief. "Well, that's that. Now on to my speech.

"You may have noticed my guest sitting next to the First Lady. They are a bomb sniffing dog from Afghanistan who here in honor of his service, Chuck Norris because he's cool, and a live grizzly bear... though I forgot why he's here." Bush looked to Laura. "Stop fidgeting or he may kill you... No, not the bear; it's tranqued. I'm talking about Chuck Norris."

Bush cleared his throat and looked back to the teleprompter. "America is a strong country, and we've made great progress. Unfortunately, my measure to save Social Security was blocked..."

The Democrats all stood and cheered. "Screw America!" one exclaimed.

"You're not supposed to cheer at that, dinguses!" Bush yelled at them.

Suddenly, the bomb sniffing dog ran over and tackled Senator Schumer. All the others quited in fear.

"Good dog," Bush said. "Anyway, I have other plans, and this whole Alito confirmation has proved that the Democrats are too impotent to stop me."

"Yay me!" Alito stood up and cheered.

"One thing is alternative fuels." Bush stopped and checked the teleprompter again. "This sounds boring," Bush grumbled. "There are many ways we can power our vehicles," Bush continued, speaking up, "such as with corn, grass..." Bush's eyes started to close. "...wood chips..."

* * * *

"Bush's falling asleep during his own speech has caused some controversy," the anchorman said. "Conservatives have said it just shows how relaxed Bush is with his policies that he can actually go to sleep when talking about them. Liberals say that his falling asleep proved this is all about oil and that we must get out of Iraq now. When asked to elaborate, they just kept repeating themselves. When asked for comment, Bush said he thought he was just talking to Congress, and, if he catches us spying on him again, he'll murder us all.

"After the break, remember to stay tuned for our special feature: Who will Iran nuke first?"

Rating: 2.3/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (21) | In My World
I am NOT buying French!
Posted by Laurence Simon at 11:49 AM | Email This

It looks like a (struggling) French newspaper owned by Egyptian tycoon Rami Lakah has reprinted the notirious "Mohammed Cartoons" that have gotten the Islamic World rattling their sabres at Norway and Denmark.

Hey, what's France got to lose? It's not like there's any cars left to burn, right?

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Rating: 3.3/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (12)
So let it be written, so let the lies be done
Posted by Laurence Simon at 10:36 AM | Email This

Well, the Egyptian government (ie Pharaoh Hosni Mubarak the First and a few hundred femily members and close friends of the family) are telling Hamas that they must recognize Israel and honor all past treaties.

Meanwhile, when I last checked, Egypt does not currently have an ambassador or a fully-staffed diplomatic mission in place in Tel Aviv or Jerusalem as required under the 1978 treay with Israel. They recalled them for some reason or another back in 2000.

So let me get this straight...

  • Egypt demands that Hamas recognizes Israel, but refuses to acknowledge recognition of Israel with a diplomatic mission.

  • Egypt demands that Hamas respect and honor all past treaties with Israel, but by failing to staff a diploatic mission Egypt is violating their own 1978 treaty with Israel.

Wow. That's some mighty impressive hypocrisy there from a dictatorial dynasty. Are we sure that Hosni Mubarak isn't somehow related to the Kennedy family?

The saddest part is that despite Egypt's violating the 1978 treaty, the United States still send Egypt $2 billion a year.

So, for those of you who are good at math, how many homes could that money build for Katrina evacuees to get New Orleans churning chocolate again? If not for the principle of the matter, you'd think that sheer greed would motivate the grassroots (and bad seeds) to demand that flow of money stop and flow into education or health care for illegal aliens or the National Endowment of the Arts... whatever budgetary toilet that has an open stall at the time.

Rating: 2.6/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (7)
Carnival of Comedy Reminder
Posted by spacemonkey at 08:59 AM | Email This

February 2nd is tomorrow. That means if you want in on Carnival of Comedy #40, which Taleena at Sun Comprehending Glass will be hosting, you'd better send in your entry before midnight!

Carnival Schedule:
February 9th - #41: OPEN! Some unsuspecting schmuck - It could be you!
February 16th - #42: Sherlock at Bakerstreet (First to be volunteered by a spouse)
February 23rd #43: OPEN!

Want to host? Email me at spacemonkeymail.png with "Host Carnival Of Comedy" as the subject.

Want to enter? Go here, or here or we'll have 6 more weeks of Nukular winter.

Rating: 3.4/5 (4 votes cast)

Nutjob Acts Nutty; Stay Tuned for Our Story About a Dog Biting a Man
Posted by Frank J. at 08:34 AM | Email This

Cindy Sheehan, leftwing nut possibly made nuttier by her son's death and the following media attention, at least had the decency last night to get herself arrested before the State of the Union Address instead of during it. But, what about the Congresschick that invited her? She had to know something like this would happen. Since the moonbats claim Bush can do this, Bush should have Rep. Lynn Woolsey arrested without any charges and disappeared. If questioned on it, he can just say, "You can get the details from Woolsey herself... if she's ever heard from again! Muh ha ha ha!"

Now that's showing some Presidential backbone.

Rating: 2.3/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (5)
 

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