About IMAO



Giving money to Frank J. makes you happy!

Buy funniest book ever!
Buy funniest book ever!




IMAO Podcasts
IMAO Merchandise and Newsletter

Cool shirts, mugs, stickers, and what-not!

About IMAO
Then conquer we must, for our cause is just, 
And this be our motto--'In God is our trust.' 
And the star-spangled banner in triumph doth wave 
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave.


If you want to send something by snail mail, e-mail with subject "P.O. Box" to get mail information for Frank J. and SarahK.

Bloggers:
Frank J.
Harvey
RightWingDuck
Cadet Happy
spacemonkey
Laurence Simon
SarahK


Popular Categories
Fred Thompson Facts
John Edwards Fabulous Facts
lolterizt
IMAO Condensed
Know Thy Enemy
Editorials
Frank the Artist
In My World

Other Content
Ode to Violence
Brief Histories
IMAO Audio Bits



Read the Essay
Own the Shirt
Peace Gallery

Search IMAO
Google
Web www.imao.us

Testimonials
"All quotes attributed to me on IMAO are made up... including this one."
-Glenn Reynolds

"Unfunny treasonous ronin!"
-Lou Tulio*

"You, sir, are a natural born killer."
-E. Harrington

"You'll never get my job! Never!!!"
-Jonah Goldberg

"In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. And He did despair, for in His omniscience, He did know that His creations had but three-fifths of the splendor of that which would be IMAO."
-No One of Consequence

"A blogger with a sense of humor."
-Some Woman on MSNBC
Blogroll
Ace of Spades HQ
The Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler
Blackfive
Captain's Quarters
Classical Values
Conservative Grapevine
The Corner
The Daily Gut (with Jim Treacher!)
Dave in Texas
Eject! Eject! Eject!
Electric Venom
Hot Air
Puppy Blender
La Shawn Barber's Corner
Michelle Malkin
Pereiraville
Protein Wisdom
Rachel Lucas
Right Wing News
Scrappleface
Serenity's Journal
Townhall Blog

IMAO Blogroll
Bad Example
Cadet Happy
The Flying Space Monkey Chronicles
mountaineer musings
Right Wing Duck
SarahK & Cadet Happy snark TV
This Blog Is Full of Crap

Fred Thompson Links
Fred File
Blogs for Fred
Fred Thompson Facts
Awards

 
July 31, 2006
RWD Begins A New Career!!
Posted by RightWingDuck at 07:32 PM | Email This

Ladies and Gentlemen,

One never knows where one will find inspiration. Doesn't one?

Anyway, after having my last comic ripped by friends and foe alike (see previous post), I have chosen a new direction in my career.

You see there is only one career where your work doesn't have to make sense; where the quality isn't as relevant as the feeling behind the work; where you can make a living without having any real talent. No, I'm not going to write for the New York Times. This profession is more extreme.

That's right. I have chosen the profession of

Left Wing Cartoonist.

My first work is shown below.

Read More...


Rating: 3.4/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (17)
Michael Moore Gets Hugs?
Posted by RightWingDuck at 05:21 PM | Email This

Michael Moore gets hugs from Republicans?

Here's my take on it.

Moorehugs.JPG


Caption: For some reason, Michael Moore confused "hugs" with the effects of gravity.

Rating: 2.9/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (43) | Best of IMAO 2006 ~ | Michael Moore
Fun Facts About Nevada
Posted by Harvey at 05:05 PM | Email This

The IMAO Podcast is still on hiatus, but I have an irresistable urge to finish up the rest of the states in the Fun Facts About The 50 States series, so I'm going to forge ahead - hopefully on a weekly schedule.

Should the podcast return, this is the list from which I'll pick & choose my favorite items to record.

(continued in extended entry)

Read More...


Rating: 2.8/5 (35 votes cast)

Comments (7) | Fun Trivia
Florida Marine Good at Killing Bad People (At Least 20 Confirmed Kills)
Posted by Frank J. at 03:46 PM | Email This

DU thinks he should be locked up as a danger to society.

But they support the troops!

During a large-scale attack on Easter Sunday, Wilson says, he spotted six gunmen on a rooftop about 400 yards away. In about 8 seconds he squeezed off five rounds - hitting five gunmen in the head. The sixth man dived off a 3-story building just as Wilson got him in his sights, and counts as a probable death.

I can't even do that on a videogame.

Rating: 3.1/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (23)
Remember to Digg
Posted by Frank J. at 03:38 PM | Email This

If you like an IMAO article, remember to click on the "Digg This" link. This could help us reach a bigger audience. It just takes a short registration to start up.

So, if you liked my editorial today, remember to register that with Digg. If you didn't like it, keep it to yourself or I'll hurt you.

And I will, 'cause I'm crazy.

UPDATE: Monkey-faced liberal don't want you to Digg IMAO posts; who do you side with?

Rating: 3.3/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (21)
Right and Wrong
Posted by Frank J. at 02:14 PM | Email This

John Hawkins has Right-Of-Center Bloggers Select Their Least Favorite People On The Right - which I participated in. I only chose a couple, and they were the frontrunners.

I wonder if Andrew Sullivan got so little votes because most don't think of him as on the right anymore. Does being hysterical have an ideology?

Rating: 1.7/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (8)
Like Hugging a Pile of Manure in a Baseball Cap
Posted by Frank J. at 12:22 PM | Email This

Michael Moore says he often gets hugged by Republicans now. This is a crazy lie for a number of reasons. For starters, any real Republicans, no matter what they now think on different issues, wants to hit Moore with a ax handle because he is a fat, ugly man. Also, everyone, even if they agree with Moore, would be repelled at the thought of even touching Moore since he is a fat, ugly man with no hygiene. Were I to hug him, I'd have to shower for a week straight.

But I would never feel clean again.

Rating: 2.6/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (23)
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 11:44 AM | Email This

What is Frank J.'s biggest goal in life?

Read More...


Rating: 3.0/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (2) | Fun Trivia
Proportionate Responses Never Ended a War
An Editorial by Frank J.
Posted by Frank J. at 11:00 AM | Email This

 People keep urging Israel to keep their responses to terrorist attacks "proportionate". What?! Who would say such a crazy thing except those in love with war? If they kill three people, and, wanting to be proportionate, Israel kills three people, that only keeps the cycle of violence going on forever. And that is not a cycle you want to be on, because, if you do too well, the French will act all surprised when blood tests on a man reveal the presence of testosterone.

"Obviously, many critics of Israel have never been to war school. Also, they hate Jews."

 Responses to attacks must be disproportionate to end wars. This is basic war logic that one learns on the first day of war school. Obviously, many critics of Israel have never been to war school. Also, they hate Jews... but this is common and unremarkable. What is important is to understand how disproportionate responses end wars. If you always respond proportionately, then the enemy who is bad will always know the risks with each attack since he knows exactly how you will respond. But, with disproportionate attacks, the enemy (who still is bad) will not know how you respond, for any response can happen for someone who responds disproportionately. This makes bad people who are the enemy scared.

 Let us look at real world example: If terrorists blow up a car and Israel responds proportionately by blowing up one of the terrorists' cars, this will not scare the terrorists because they have crappy cars. Thus, terrorists will continue to blow up good Israeli cars while collecting insurance on their crappy cars when Israel responds proportionately. Now, if terrorists blow up a car and Israelis respond disproportionately by blowing up five cities - cities the terrorists like - this is much more likely to discourage the terrorists. They will think, "If Israel keeps responding in this disproportionate way, they will blow up all our cities a thousand times over by the time we destroy all their cars. We don't want that; our stuff is in those cities." Thus, through disproportionate responses, the conflict is ended. This is good and smart way to fight.

 Now, a disproportionate response does not have to be more than the initial attack; responding with much less is also disproportionate. Let's say terrorists murder five Israeli families. Instead of murdering five terrorist families (a proportionate response) or nuking Mecca (disproportionate response of greater force), the Israelis could respond by kidnapping one of the terrorists' goats and put lipstick and a dress on the goat (which would be really ridiculous since it's a male goat). Then, the Israelis could broadcast video of the goat and everyone standing around laughing at the goat in a dress (who is also wearing lipstick). While this would be a disproportionate response, it would be unlikely to discourage bad people as much as killing and explosions do (unless terrorists fear nothing more than the public mockery of their goats; then this is a very strategic response).

 Some worry that disproportionate responses to terrorist attacks could harm civilians. My solution to this is to not worry. Civilians serve little purpose in war; whether they live or die gives little advantage to either side since they don't fight (that's why they are civilians). This is why I don't understand why terrorists target civilians since those aren't the ones they need to be worried about killing them. It may be easiest to kill little Israeli children, but they are no threat compared to older Israelis with machine guns. I guess terrorists are unable to do a proportionate response or higher since Israelis with machine guns tend to kill terrorists, so they target civilians. This is not good strategy though, as it only angers those with machine guns who were the bigger threat to begin with.

 So, to end this conflict, Israel must continue with disproportionate responses. If terrorists shoot someone, then Israel must bomb a city. If terrorist blow up a building, Israel should destroy one of the terrorists' greatest holy symbols - the Eiffel Tower. Then terrorists become very scared and pee their pants and can't buy new pants because they're too busy protecting their goats from public ridicule. When the enemy is reduced to a bunch of scared people with soiled pants standing in front of their goats, then war is won and conflict is over. This you learn on last day of war school.

Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us. He is also the author of such books as "If Someone Mugs You, You Mug Him Back and Kill His Family: A Guide to Self-Defense" and numerous textbooks for war class at war school.

Rating: 2.2/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (18) | Editorials
Annoyed If You Do, Annoyed If You Don't
Posted by Frank J. at 09:22 AM | Email This

Moonbats are always yelling at politicians for not forcing their sons and daughters to join the military (which I don't think you're legally allowed to do). Now, John McCain's youngest son has joined the Marines, and you can watch the muckadoos at DU struggle to come up with new things to complain about.

Lesson: The only way to defeat a liberal is with numerous whacks to the head with a stick.

Rating: 3.0/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (9)
I Dream of a World Where Dogs Kill Monkeys
Posted by Frank J. at 08:38 AM | Email This

I had a weird dream over the weekend. It was night, and Rowdi was on the back porch (except it was the raised wooden back porch from the house I lived in for nine years in New Jersey). I see little Sydney approaching Rowdi, and I get worried that Rowdi is going to chase her. Then Rowdi starts growling - really angry like - and I get more worried. But then I notice she's looking beyond Sydney.

"What are you growling at, girl?"

I sit down next to Rowdi and look to the other end of the porch. There's a white cat on it. Both Rowdi and I approach it, and then I see it's not a cat but is a monkey. It has weird eyes and looks like an all-white lemur.

Suddenly, Rowdi grabs the monkey by its neck, and, within a second, kills it bloodlessly. She then walks off like nothing happens.

As far as I can remember, the dream ends with me telling SarahK what happened, a bit ambivalent about the issue. On one hand, it was disturbing to see sweet Rowdi kill something so violently, but, on the other hand, it was good she took out some crazed monkey that probably escaped from the zoo.

So what do you think the dream means? That I have a good dog?

Rating: 2.5/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (14)
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 06:49 AM | Email This

(Introduction)



1) In "Treehouse of Horror IX", which Simpson turns out to be half alien?

2) What species are Chirpy Boy and Bart Jr.?

3) Who are the disc jockeys at Springfield radio station KBBL 102.5?

4) When Abe Simpson went to the original Woodstock, who did he want to see perform?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.6/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (4) | Simpsons Trivia
July 30, 2006
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 11:33 AM | Email This

(Introduction)



1) (T/F) Fat Tony is Springfield's main mobster

2) Who do Jimbo and Kearney usually hang around with?

3) Who won a lot of money in a lawsuit against Itchy & Scratchy studios?

4) Name the waiter Freddy Quimby is accused of attacking?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 3.0/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (6) | Simpsons Trivia
July 29, 2006
So, Jewish Bloggers, what wars are you responsible for?
Posted by Laurence Simon at 03:17 PM | Email This

Well, thanks CNN.

Thank you for telling the world that Mel Gibson was out driving drunk, got in an altercation with the arresting officers, and didn't make any berserk anti-Semitic comments at all.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm a very busy man. I'm responsible for all the wars in the world, you know.

How so?

Well, I started young, an apprentice manager of the Pepsi-Coke Cola Wars of the 80's and worked my way up the ranks.

Then, I consulted with the Iran-Iraq Wars. You know, because sending Shia Persians against Sunni Arabs was a great way to thin the enemy herd.

From there, nothing but success. A stint managing the Bandeh Aceh War (more Islamic sectarian violence to thwat Indonesian imperial designs), a few months working with the El Salvador Conflict, a few weeks compounding the Yemeni and Chechen Civil Wars, and then off to South Ossetia for my greatest achievement.

All throughout, I would dabble with pricing wars in the airline industry, but that lost its lustre after 9/11. (I'm still pissed at the Jews who coordinated all of that... I wish they'd have told me before screwing up my own pricefixing gig).

I joined IMAO specifically for the opportunity to be the Jew who coordinates the first war on the moon. After all, Frank's going to nuke the moon one day, so I might as well ride his coat-tails and make sure that someone gets nuked up there that deserves it.

Or not. After all, this is war, and war is hell.


So, Jewish Bloggers... what wars were you responsible for?

Rating: 2.6/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (49)
Brewmeister Glenn
Posted by Harvey at 11:59 AM | Email This

(A Filthy Lie)

I was browsing Instapundit and noticed that he recently took a trip to a brewery.

Odd... Glenn's into energy drinks, not alcohol...

Then I remembered how popular the Red Bull & Vodka mix is, and it occurred to me that Glenn might be arranging with the Downtown Grill & Brewery to start making some sort of puppy shake & beer hybrid.

Sure enough, I was right. Notice the label on that bottle near the bottom of the picture (circled in red):

(click to enlarge)

Here's a close-up:

(click to enlarge)

If you're out drinking in Knoxville, be sure to enunciate when you order your beer.

Rating: 2.8/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (4) | Filthy Lies
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 10:26 AM | Email This

(Introduction)



1) Who owns the only foundation repair company in Springfield?

2) Which singer helps Barney with his snow plow company advertising?

3) In "Homer's Triple Bypass", what does Barney think Homer is in the hospital for?

4) In "Marge Vs. The Monorail", who does Quimby think Leonard Nimoy is?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.1/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (3) | Simpsons Trivia
July 28, 2006
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 03:54 PM | Email This

How would Democrats solve war in the Middle East?

Read More...


Rating: 2.4/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (167) | Fun Trivia
Pacman is not the man, but a slave to his own urges!
Posted by Laurence Simon at 01:37 PM | Email This

Normally, I'm a loyal contributor to this site, but Frank J. has said something completely false and cruel about Pacman that demands correction.

I agree that Pacman is "100% violent" as Frank claims, but the violence isn't about dots and ghosts.

The real victim in all of this is Pacman himself.

Pacman has a chronic eating disorder. He's addicted to food, and it's all the fault of the Pellet Manufacturing Industry Lobby and the software developers for making that food both plentiful and easily-available to him.

Not only is that food abundant, but it's horribly unhealthy. The nutritional value of those pellets are next to nothing... as empty of nutrients as Altoids Mints (but without the curious strength).

I mean, why else would he need to eat so much of it? And what do you think he does in between that pause where he clears a screen and the next one is being set up?

That's right. He vomits it all back up.

Don't blame the ghosts. Don't you dare blame the ghosts.

All the ghosts are just trying to do is to get Pacman to face his food addiction and get him to stop eating so much. The ghosts aren't trying to chase and kill Pacman... they're trying to keep Pacman from killing himself!

And that's why the Power Pellets are there in the corners... it's a conspiracy by the Pellet Manufacturing Industry Lobby to turn Pacman against the ghosts. The ones that are trying desperately to save him.

Oh, God, how I wish the misery would end! How I long for the day where Pacman could stick to a healthy diet of fruits, vegetables, nuts, and whole grains.

Instead, those are just tossed into the maze as "Bonuses" now and then as a token attempt to appease nutritionists and the tireless crusaders of the FDA.

End the violence, Pacman. Have some delicious rice cakes and soy milk.


I've received quite a lot of feedback regarding this post. Here's one I thought was important.

It's from someone named spanglyshorts@simmons.com:

Dear Laurence,

I'm all too familiar with the horror of video game characters trying to maintain unrealistic body images. With today's graphics advances, anti-aliasing techniques, and rendering technologies the characters feel compelled to do unspeakable things to themselves to remain popular.

Just the other day, I was chatting with Lara C. about her constant fight with the scale. She has an amazing workout routine, but she just doesn't feed herself properly. And then there's that awful disfiguring and unbalancing plastic surgery she was talked into doing.

I've let her know that it's okay to be a little heavy as long as you're healthy. As long as you're fit, healthy-heavy can give you a chance at another important H, and that's happy.

Maybe when she stops fighting with herself, she can finally focus on fighting evil. Defeat the enemy within yourself, and there's no limit to what you can accomplish!

Making wishes everywhere come true,
Spangly Shorts

PS: Is there anything you can tell me that will get Gap-Toothed Variety Show Host to stop razzing me? All I want is a hug!

Thank you, Spangly Shorts, and good luck with your never-ending quest to win Gap-Toothed Variety Show Host's eternal affection.

Rating: 2.8/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (11)
Pacman Is the Man!
Posted by Frank J. at 01:08 PM | Email This

Apparently, some group that was discussing violence in videogames rated Pacman as 64% violent.

That's crazy.

The way I play Pacman, it's a 100% violent. As soon as Pacman is on screen, it's a total massacre. And then, Pacman's chief always calls him into his office and is like:

CHIEF: Pacman! I told you to get those dots off the streets, not litter the streets with bodies!

PACMAN: I'm just getting the job done, chief!

CHIEF: Your job is to eat those dots and to power up and apprehend any ghosts you see.

PACMAN: Why? As soon as I bust a ghost, those liberal judges have him right back out on the streets seconds later. It's time to take them out for good!

CHIEF: It's time you listen to me! I want your badge!

Then Pacman totally swears out the chief while I'm like, "Yeah, Pacman! You do things your way!"

And, even without his badge, Pacman goes back out and starts totally killing everyone who gets in his way again until he's finally done in by his own heroin addiction.

They sure don't make games like that anymore.

Rating: 2.4/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (10)
I Want Your Money
Posted by Frank J. at 12:13 PM | Email This

I've failed to mention all the great new designs by Harvey at the IMAO Store. I especially love the "Grammar Tip" one. He has a few more designs which I still need to add.

I'll have to put up some new designs myself and finally put out another newsletter which will include the official explanation for what IMAO stands for (ThoseShirts.com has a shorter explanation in its FAQ, but the official explanation will be a bit more complex).

If I want your money, I need to work a bit harder for it.

Rating: 2.5/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (5)
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 11:18 AM | Email This

(Introduction)



1) (T/F) Mrs. Glick once cried, "I'm old and there's wolves after me!"

2) What is Smithers' first name?

3) When Krusty fakes his death, what is the name of the plane he crashed?

4) Where do the Simpson's move to avoid Sideshow Bob?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.6/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (4) | Simpsons Trivia
Friday Catblogging
Posted by Laurence Simon at 10:56 AM | Email This

Since it's Friday, I thought I'd spread the joy of humor-free, apolitical Friday Catblogging to IMAO (aka "I-MEOW").

Of course, this will likely get caught in the series of tubes Senator Ted Stevens claims the Internet is made out of, but I just happen to have IMAO's copy of the map of tubes and I found a compass in my Cracker Jack box.

Anyway, it's time for Piper the Sneaky:

If you're not sure how this absurd scene pertains to IMAO, since IMAO is famous for that "political humor" thing, it doesn't. If you must have some semblance of politics or humor in everything you read here, just assume that Piper is... um...

Help me out here. Make your suggestions in the comments how this scene is, in fact, a political allegory.


You can find more examples of Friday catblogging by searching a blog search engine such as Technorati for "catblogging."

You can also find a roundup of catblogging posts at The Friday Ark, located at The Modulator blog. Then, when the weekend is nearly over, head over to The Carnival of the Cats for more kitty goodness. There's also a Flikr Group called Furry Friday.

Add to that Weekend Catblogging at Eatstuff.

Anybody I miss?

Rating: 3.3/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (10) | Friday Cat-Blogging
Culture of Something or Other
Posted by Frank J. at 10:12 AM | Email This

Patterico puts forth the case with clear-cut evidence that Glenn Greenwald engages in sock puppetry. The question then becomes: So what?

The left-wing, nutsroots crowd of the blogosphere has been involved in a lot of moronic behavior from Kos's "screw 'em" comments to their current obsession with taking down fellow Democrat Joe Lieberman (apparently since they've yet to have any success against the admittedly weak Republicans). Maybe each of these incidents are nothing in themselves, but it does suggest their a certain culture to the nutsroots... a "Culture of Patheticness", perhaps?

Or does a phrase like that need alliteration ("Culture of Crazy" seems too obvious)?

What are your ideas for characterizing the muckadoo wing of the blogosphere?

Rating: 2.6/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (25)
The Continuation of Hellbender
Posted by Frank J. at 09:00 AM | Email This

The "MAYBE..." at the end of the last part of Hellbender wasn't done with the intention of provoking a response from the readers (I know a number of people are enjoying the series and was happy to continue it). The reason is that I'm thinking of going a different direction with it. The scope of the story kept growing, and I began to realize I couldn't do a statisfying short story. Thus, though initially not quite satisified with Hellbender, I'm thinking of making it my first novel attempt, going back to the beginning and completely rewriting it and bulking it up with novel length in mind.

So, it's a creative decision. While I will hack out humor with reckless abandon, I'm a bit more careful if I think I have a good story idea. Thus, I don't think I'm going to finish Hellbender in its current form because I'd just be finishing it to finish it and I now have a much better story in mind.

More news as events occur...

Rating: 2.8/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (19) | Hellbender
King of Beers? Indeed
Posted by Frank J. at 08:36 AM | Email This

Basil has the scoop on the puppy blender's new beverage of choice. He may have stopped it by exposing it; good work, Basil!

Rating: 2.7/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (3)
July 27, 2006
Confession is good for the soul-less
Posted by Laurence Simon at 03:43 PM | Email This

After weeks of bloody conflict, a weary Kofi Annan pens a heartfelt confession to his long-lost lover...

Dear Yasser,

I certainly expected the widespread destruction in Gaza after the killing and kidnapping of Israeli soldiers, but I didn't anticipate the disproportionate attacks on Lebanon.

I knew I should have planned this all out more carefully.

I'm so much better at telling peacekeeping forces to turn their backs on massacres and murders, like in Kosovo and Rwanda, or the kidnapping of the Israeli soldiers in 2000. Or the Congo. Or East Timor. Or...

Look at me, bragging again.

Oh well. The worst part of this whole thing is that it's getting hard to keep the soldiers hidden in the headquarters building. Everyone thinks they're in the Iranian embassies in Gaza and Beirut, but they just held them for me before I could arrange "diplomatic" transport.

It's almost like a damned Marx Brothers movie. Maids keep walking in on me as I'm sticking tasers in the soldiers' faces, but they're easily sent back to the Amazonian tribes we kidnapped them from.

Commissary asks why I'm ordering extra meals to be sent to my office every day. Wolf Blitzer even noticed them in the corner during an interview a few days ago, but I told him to say nothing and he's been good for it ever since.

One managed to grab a phone and tried to call his embassy, but thank God we haven't paid the phone bill in weeks. I guess Kojo dipping his hand into the till every now and then has its advantages.

We pass the time by playing Bridge, letting various OIC delegation representatives torture confessions out of them, and listening to jazz classics. When I go home at night, Mark Malloch Brown (you remember him, don't you? he says hi) takes over and reads them Nabka stories.

Thank God I came in early yesterday. Marky was trying to burn one of their flags in front of them and I grabbed it out of his hand and stomped it out before the sprinkler system went off.

I didn't realize we didn't have a functioning sprinkler system up on this floor. until later that afternoon, so I've made burning and stomping their flags a regular thing now. It's so much easier to do it in my office than out in the park, and there's no tourists or press ro catch me, either.

Then there's this whole deliberate targeting of the UNIFIL post. I told Nasrallah he could just use the bases for Poker Night and the occasional storage of weapons. Maybe using them for cover, but they'd have to return any blue helmets they borrowed from the armory to hide their identity. I didn't realize he'd start using them for cover all of the time.

Oh well. I'd better plan trips to China, Austria, Finland, and Canada to make nice with the families and convince them to go all Corrie on the Jews for killing their kids. Never a dull day, right?

Those damn Australians, saying that sending troops to the area before a permanent cease-fire would be a suicide mission. Now I've got hundreds of thousands of applications from Iran and Palestine and Pakistan demanding to sign up for that mission. It's hard enough to budget for the helmets and ambulances, but it's been a long time since the General Assembly authorized the procurement of virgins for peacejihadis... I mean peacekeepers.

I'd better wrap this up before that barbarian John Bolton comes up here and kicks the door down. I still miss you, and don't get all jealous at the photos people are putting up of me an Nasrallah hugging and shaking hands and smiling. We're just the best of friends.

My deepest love,
Kofi

PS: Say hi to Zarky for me! Tell him I still have his copy of "Fountainhead."

Rating: 1.7/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (16)
A Story, Bit by Bit
Hellbender: Part 21 - Ants
Posted by Frank J. at 03:37 PM | Email This

BEGINNING OF STORY

PREVIOUS (PART 20)

* * * *

Vera stared at the rubble of her research building and the workers scurrying about it like ants after the destruction of an anthill.

"That must have been fun."

Dumalt appeared as a large man with short dark hair and darker eyes that easily reduced to a quivering mass any fool that met them. He wore the uniform of a general, but he never appeared very interested in leading people. Vera turned to him. "They stole my research and blew up my research building. I am not in a good mood."

"And what can we do about it?"

"They're mercenaries, Dumalt."

He smiled broadly. "So the treaties don't apply?"

Vera never got as much enjoyment out of inflicting physical harm on people as Dumalt did, but she couldn't help but smile a bit at the thought of the fate that awaited those who crossed her. "No, they don't. It's open season on these humans."

"Excellent. I hate those damn treaties; we can't kill each other's humans, and, if I kill too many of ours, I get yelled at. I feel almost as restricted as before the Great War."

"Do we know where they are?"

"Yes, their vehicle was spotted landing in the wastelands. I'll tell our troops to hang back and leave them to me."

"To us." Vera's expression turned more serious. "One of them knew who we are."

"What? Are you sure?"

"He called me one of 'The Fallen' and didn't appear at all surprised when their weapons failed to harm me."

Dumalt's smile faded. This was no longer just an opportunity to have some fun tearing some humans limb from limb. "Should we tell Asmod?"

"Let's find out exactly what they know first."

Dumalt frowned. "I'm not very good at reading men's minds."

Vera laughed. "It's simple; just hurt them until they tell us what they know."

Dumalt smiled again. "And then?"

"And then, my friend, you do whatever else to them pleases you."

TO BE CONTINUED...

MAYBE...

Baens Universe Logo
Help Save Science Fiction at Jim Baen's Universe!
(NOTE: Frank J.'s hastily hacked together stories are in no way supported or condoned by Baen)

Rating: 2.4/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (13) | Hellbender
In My World: Democrats: Bolton Still a 'Bully'
Posted by Frank J. at 01:41 PM | Email This

Democrats on Thursday said they remain opposed to President Bush's pick for U.N. ambassador, contending that John Bolton has not yet repaired his reputation as an ineffective "bully."

Bolton was noticeably disturbed by this characterization, and proceeded to give numerous Senate Democrats wedgies while forcing others to eat dirt. He then made every Senate Democrat hand over his or her lunch money (or, in Ted Kennedy's case, his booze money).

In other news, Senator Joe Biden held an impromptu press conference where, while held in a headlock by John Bolton, he admitted for the first time that he is in fact a "little girl."

Rating: 2.6/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (14) | In My World
How to solve the energy crisis: hook Henry Luce's rapidly spinning corpse to a dynamo
Posted by Laurence Simon at 01:04 PM | Email This

Time hits bottom, stops digging, and instead gossips about it having anal sex - and you are there:

Ana Marie Cox has been named Washington Editor of TIME.com, it was announced today by Richard Stengel, managing editor of TIME. Her appointment is effective July 31, 2006.

Cox joined TIME in March 2006, as a contributing writer. In her new role she will be coordinating TIME.com's political coverage as well as continuing to create features and essays for both the print and online editions.

Prior to her experience at TIME, Cox was the founding editor of the political blog Wonkette.

"Ana Marie is a sharp and witty observer of the Washington scene and has the ability to spot political angles in surprising places," says Stengel. "In her new role, she'll bring her great web instincts to covering the hot topics of the day."

Surprising places? What... pants?

Rating: 2.5/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (12)
End the Sock Puppetry Please!
Posted by RightWingDuck at 12:54 PM | Email This

I am tired of bloggers having all of these fake comments in order to defend themselves or make themselves more important than they really are!!

So STOP IT!!!

Thank you.

Rating: 3.1/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (131)
Did You Know That a Labrador Retriever's Brain Never Stops Growing and Eventually Causes the Dog to Go Insane from the Pressure on the Skull?
Posted by Frank J. at 12:09 PM | Email This

When SarahK isn't loudly proclaiming she hates our pit bull mix Rowdi, she's getting really angry at anyone disparaging Rowdi as dangerous just because Rowdi is part pit bull. Thus witness her rant against dangerous labs and dog-racists.

Can't we just love/hate all dog breeds the same?

Rating: 2.6/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (5)
Al-Zawahiri Caught on Film!
Posted by Frank J. at 11:11 AM | Email This

Al-Zawahiri has released a new video in which he vows that Islam will reign from "Spain to Iraq." Apparently, as dictated in the video, this is Al Qaeda's new plan:

Phase 1: Get Muslims to rise up and "martyr" selves

Phase 2: ?

Phase 3: Entire world under Islamic rule

Seems fool proof.

I have one criticism, though: As long as you're doing low budget movies set in caves, you should at least have a monster chasing you to make it more interesting.

Seriously, if you want Islam to take over Europe, Al Qaeda has a lot to learn from Muslim immigrants. They just move in, slowly try to get their Islamic law to apply in otherwise secular, democratic countries, and gradually they take over. There's not much blowing yourself up in this strategy, so it's not that glorious an invasion… but it works!

Rating: 2.2/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (28)
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 10:45 AM | Email This

Today's Simpsons Trivia
(Introduction)



1) (T/F) Bart saws off the head of Jebediah Springfield's statue?

2) Who teaches Marge how to bowl?

3) What is the name of Marge's bowling ball?

4) Homer gets in trouble when a picture is circulated with him and which exotic dancer?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.2/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (5) | Simpsons Trivia
Huge Blunder
Posted by Frank J. at 08:39 AM | Email This

I don't get this; they say that a jury found Andrea Yates not guilty by reason of insanity.

How can that happen? Don't they always make sure a jury is not insane before letting them render a verdict?

Rating: 2.4/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (21)
July 26, 2006
Here We Go Again
Posted by Frank J. at 04:59 PM | Email This

A reader is attempting yet again to put IMAO on Wikipedia. Here's the entry.

This would be the third attempt. The first attempt (which was quite a while back if I recall) is, incidentally, the first time I heard the insult "sock puppets". Those voting for IMAO were accused of being sock puppets, but I didn't know what that meant then.

So, does anyone have experience starting a Wikipedia article and want to help give it a shot this time? I've only done minor edits to articles when I run into errors (yes, there are errors on some articles in Wikipedia). Apparently, the article needs some proof that IMAO is "noteable" (come on; I own the letter I-M-A-O, but we don't get an article while a character from a Filipino fantasy TV series does?). According to Google, I'm like one of the most famous Franks; doesn't that at least make me notable? Also, unknown to me at the time, there was a bidding war for imao.com so someone can get traffic from people mistyping our URL (I don’t know what happened to the Japanese industrial handle manufacturer Imao that used to own imao.com).

And how to we extract revenge if the IMAO article is rejected again?

Rating: 2.8/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (17)
Fetal Farm Aid
Posted by Laurence Simon at 04:09 PM | Email This

Hello, everyone. It's your old pal, Laurence Simon, and I'd like to apologize for not having written much in the past few days.

After President Bush vetoed Congress' attempt to open up stem cell research and Congress failed to overcome that veto, it's been fairly busy around here.

A lot of people have been mocking the use of the term "fetal farming" and I've got to say that the mockery needs to end and the understanding needs to begin.

There are literally thousands of family-owned fetal farms out there in the heartland that were already having a hard time making ends meet, working hard with the time-honored traditional culturing and harvesting of fetal stem cells.

Believe me, there's no more honest day's work than a man getting up at the crack of dawn to milk the zygotes and gather up the eggs. The salt of the earth, these people are.

Sadly, these people were already being squeezed out by corporate mega-fetalfarms buying up property, office space, and farm equipment. Access to the approved stem-cell lines was supposed to be guaranteed, but the mega-corporations have a habit of violating their timetables, or they hand over inferior lines of genetic research to the little man.

With the constant budget cutbacks of fetal farm subsidies and ruthless overseas competition (often state-subsidized, like Airbus is in the aircraft assembly industry), the Family Fetal Farmer may become a thing of the past now that the practice will remain illegal.

If you've never been to a Fetal Farm Harvest Festival or taken the time to learn more at your state's annual fair, well, perhaps you should avail yourself to the opportunity next time you can grab at it - they're not going to be around forever at this rate.

So, in response to this sociological disaster happening in our scientific heartland, I've been working with Willie Nelson to put together Fetal Farm Aid.

We haven't come up with a venue, but we're considering the Durham area to take advantage of the many research facilities there for after-concert protest marches. We're just waiting for the permits and Willie to run out of dope long enough for his attorneys to clear his signature as valid.

Now, you'd expect such a concert to include Farm Aid regulars such as John Cougar Mellencamp, but we've been having a hard time reaching him since he's been changing his name on a near-annual basis. Hopefully, he'll stop changing it long enough for us to be able to look him up in the White Pages and send him a bus pass.

Then there's the Grand Marshall of MC. Once again, Willie's just too toked up to string three words together without him choking on a braid or getting confused with a Kinky Friedman For Governor rally, so we're thinking about inviting a celebrity with name-recognition and a track record of supporting stem cell research.

The first person to come to mind was Christopher Reeve, but he hasn't answered any of my letters, emails or calls. In fact, the last time I called, the number had been disconnected.

Did his wife Dana forget to pay the phone bill? She's been so good to Chris up until now, I hope she isn't cheating on him or anything.

Since the Reeves are being so difficult about it, I considered using Michael J. Fox as a backup plan. He's been a strong advocate of the cause, and based on his guitar work in Back To The Future he might even be convinced to play a few licks.

Sadly, someone sent me a tape of Michael's most recent testimony before Congress on the issue, and I've got to tell you: this man seriously needs help!

Wobbling, slurring his words.

I hope that someone who loves him dearly will get him into AA so he can kick the booze habit and straighten out his life. Maybe then people might be able to focus on his stand against blocking stem cell research for disfiguring and distracting degenerative maladies instead of his distracting behavior.

Hopefully, I'll have more to report on Fetal Farm Aid in the near future.

Until then, do what you can to support your local Family Fetal Farm. In fact, why not head out there for a weekend and pick your own fetal farm fresh stem cells... it's a lot more fun that picking raspberries or strawberries at a pick-it-yourself farm, and there's certainly a lot less bugs flying around.

Rating: 3.1/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (12)
A Story, Bit by Bit
Hellbender: Part 20 - Panic
Posted by Frank J. at 03:25 PM | Email This

BEGINNING OF STORY

PREVIOUS (PART 19)

* * * *

"You're creepy." Lulu fired a three-round burst from her pistol at Vera.

Vera didn't react at all; she didn't even flinch.

Charlene fired at the woman, and again nothing. Charlene looked more than a little concerned.

Vera laughed. "You people really have no idea what you've gotten yourselves into."

"She's one of the Fallen!" Doug pointed his knife at her while looking to Bryce. "Regular weapons can't harm her."

Bryce just appeared confused. "You've got to be kidding me."

For the first time, Vera looked a bit concerned as she now focused on Doug. "The Fallen? Where did you hear that term?"

"What’s the Fallen?" asked a dumbfounded Charlene.

Doug wasn't sure what to do. He didn't feel like running up and stabbing the woman as that just seemed too awkward... plus the KaBar knife just didn't feel as sacred anymore now that he saw one of the Fallen not be harmed in the slightest by bullets.

"Bryce, did we have a backup plan in case we were confronted with a bulletproof woman," Lulu asked, staring at Vera with fearful eyes.

"I'm devising one." Bryce dug through his pockets. "I had explosive cufflinks, but I wore a shirt that doesn't use cufflinks..." He pulled out a pen. "That's the flash grenade... and... ah-ha!" Bryce took out a cufflink and threw it against the wall where it stuck. "You have this." He then tossed the pen at Vera. "Everyone else: duck."

Simultaneously, the pen exploded in a flash while the wall to their side blew apart, peppering them all with debris. "Come on!" Bryce called as he disappeared through the exit.

Doug wasn't sure whether he was supposed to stand and fight, but Charlene pushed him through the hole in the wall before he could decide. The four of them ran through the room to the hallway exit, all glancing behind them for Vera who was no where to be seen.

"What the hell is going on?" Charlene yelled.

They reached the stairway and quickly made their way up. "Don't know," Bryce said. "This one actually lands on Doug to explain, but why don't we just get out of here and leave it all a moot point."

"They’re like aliens that need to be sent back to a prison dimension that I was told about in a dream by..."

Bryce kicked the door open leading to the roof. "Save it for the ride home, Doug!" On the roof was a large landing pad upon which sat one military vehicle. They wasted no time getting inside. Bryce sat at the controls.

Charlene closed the side hatch. "You know how to fly this?"

"I took a few classes on VTOL vehicles." Bryce fumbled at the controls in a way that didn't look to Doug like he new what he was doing. Still, the vehicle finally lurched into the air and Bryce let out a victory shout. "Invulnerable aliens or not, we're getting out of here with the hard drive!" He patted the case he that was hanging at his side by a shoulder sling. "Time for a paycheck, people!"

Lulu pumped her fist in the air. "Go Hellbender!"

Charlene turned to Doug. "Now, what are the Fallen?"

"Well... uh..." Doug looked out the window as he tried to put his thoughts together. He watched as the research building below them faded into the distance and exploded. "Did the building just explode?"

Bryce tried to look behind him while piloting the craft. "What? What exploded?"

Lulu stared out of the window. "The whole building."

"Charlene! What did you do?" Bryce yelled.

Charlene looked towards the fire below them. "I didn't do it! I still have my explosives."

"Doug! What did you do?"

Doug scratched his head. "I've accidentally blown up lots of stuff before, but never a whole building... once a tool shed, though."

"The entire building is gone," Charlene said. "That was a professional demolition; are we being set up?"

"I don't know why anyone would make such an effort." Bryce looked at the console. "Well, look at all the pretty dots on the radar converging on us; that must be about the entire Asmod military. Everyone sit down and fasten your seat belts; we're going to see how fast this thing goes."

Doug finally put his knife away and got a seat next to Charlene. He was then pressed against the chair by a huge force as the craft rocketed forward.

"I'm taking us over the wastelands," Bryce said with some effort against the pressure. "I figure we land a ways out of Proserpine territory and hoof it in. Then we deliver the merchandise, get our credits, and lie low for a bit. Sound like a plan?"

"Aren't the wastelands full of flesh-eating mutants?" Lulu asked.

Bryce sighed. "Why does everyone have an irrational fear of flesh-eating mutants? We'll just..." An alarm went off. "Crap."

"What now?" Charlene demanded.

"Just a... um... hardware malfunction." The craft suddenly slowed. Then it sped up in a new, more earthbound direction. Bryce now hit buttons on the console like a madman. "Everyone... um... how does that go... um... 'Brace for impact.'"

NEXT

Baens Universe Logo
Help Save Science Fiction at Jim Baen's Universe!
(NOTE: Frank J.'s hastily hacked together stories are in no way supported or condoned by Baen)

Rating: 2.6/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (10) | Hellbender
Carnival Of Comedy Reminder
Posted by spacemonkey at 02:28 PM | Email This

I want you! To pull my finger.
July 27th is like tomorrow and The Kag Report will be the Host Site. Yay!

Hey losers, send your entries for tomorrow's carnival here, or here!

------------------------------
Carnival Schedule
Aug 3rd Eteraz - He says he's a funny muslim!
Aug 10th The Blue Square - He's sad and his 4 sides all measure the same!

Rating: 2.8/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (2) | Why Me Laugh?
Links
Posted by Frank J. at 01:30 PM | Email This

This has to be one of the funniest The Onion articles in a while.

Whitler has a new essay up! He write good! And long!

Rating: 2.8/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (8)
We Call on the UN to Show Restraint
Posted by RightWingDuck at 12:18 PM | Email This

If Israel thinks it can win this war by killing the United Nations then it is sorely mistaken. In fact, I quote most Muslim scholars when I say that “if the UN survives, then that in itself will be a victory.”

For those of you who don’t know, four United Nations observers were killed yesterday by precision bombing. They did their job faithfully to the very end. Their final words were: “Look, I think I see one coming. Get those Hezbollah guys in here to safety.”

In light of this incident, we call on the United Nations to show restraint in their response. Having your people killed does NOT mean you should retaliate. This would be the perfect time for dialogue and understanding.

We will now field questions from our readers.


Is this an act of war?

Dropping several tons of munitions isn’t so much an act of war as it is a desperate plea for attention.


Israel dropped a bomb on the United Nations. Shouldn't they be worried?

No, we checked with the Israeli Prime Minster and we are assured that they have other bombs.


Why do you guys have to be such smart-asses about everything?

We can’t help ourselves. We believe it might be genetic and therefore not our fault.


Do you think that the United Nations would counter attack?

The United Nations does not have a dedicated army. However they could indeed hire a bunch of dangerous goons to take out the Israeli leadership. The UN has contacts with some of the most blood-thirsty people in the world such as Mafia hitmen, paroled political prisoners, and nominees of the Nobel Peace Prize.

*

IMAO will provide updates and commentary on the situation as it develops.


Rating: 3.3/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (24)
In My World: @#$%!
Posted by Frank J. at 11:08 AM | Email This

Bush turned to Cheney. "Hezbollah really needs to stop this @#$%. Israel really has to go ahead and kill those mother@#$%ers. What do you think?"

"Hezbollah should go @#$% themselves."

"Mr. President..." Tony Snow tapped Bush on the shoulder and pointed to the press who were staring back at them wide-eyed. "...the mike is on."

Bush sighed. "Oh @#$%; not again. What we really need is a big @#$%ing sign that tells us when the mike is on."

"We have one." Tony pointed to a lit sign behind the press that clearly said, "Microphone On."

"Well, we need a @#$%ing bigger one!" Bush looked to the press and smiled. "Anyway, what I wanted to tell you all was that I think there can be a peaceful solution to the crisis in the Middle East with no more deaths necessary."

"Will this 'peaceful solution' involve the killing of mother@#$%ers?" a reporter asked.

"No... not necessarily."

"What about the @#$%ing children!" Helen Thomas cackled. "Why won't you stop the @#$%ing Israelis from killing children?"

Bush shook his head. "What the @#$% is she still doing in the White House Press Corps? Does anyone capable of coherent though have a question?"

"What exactly is Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice supposed to accomplish in her meeting with foreign leaders?" another reporter asked. "I mean, what the @#$% is she out there doing?"

"Well... uh... what isn't she doing?"

* * * *

"I'm here to help bring an end to this crisis," Condi told the foreign leaders.

"How?" asked one of the foreign leaders, "You're not doing anything but meeting with people for short talks."

"Well... talking is doing something." They stared silently at each other for a while. "I think we're making progress."

* * * *

"Isn't it true," said a reporter, "that the U.S. is simply standing back and waiting for Israel to go ape-@#$% and @#$%ing kill everyone?"

"No," Bush answered, "that's not the full extent of our strategy. And, can everyone stop swearing? Kids could be watching this."

"Research shows that the only people who @#$%ing pay attention to these press conferences anymore are the @#$%ing bloggers," the reporter said. "Actually, I'd like to say this for any @#$%ing blogger who may be reading this transcript: @#$% you, you @#$%ing pajama-wearing, ankle-biting, basement-dwelling little @#$%!"

"Whatever." Bush looked to the rest of the press. "Do you guys have questions on anything else?"

"I have questions about your incompetence in the war," said one reporter.

"I have some about your trampling our civil rights," said another.

"I have yet some more questions about Abu Ghraib," said the New York Times reporter. "We're planning yet another article on Abu Ghraib to accompany the article about a new secret program we found out about."

"Well, this press conference is now over!" Bush yelled. He turned to Cheney. "These reporters need to stop this @#$%. We really should kill all there mother@#$%ers."

"Mr. President..."

"I know the mike is on!"

Rating: 2.7/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (42) | In My World
Profit & Loss... Mostly Loss
Posted by Harvey at 09:35 AM | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

In a cost saving move, the New York Times will soon be printed on smaller sheets of newspaper, and will cut over 1000 jobs.

Apparently blabbing the details of secret anti-terrorism programs isn't the money-maker they thought it would be.

And this is only the beginning of the exciting changes at the Gray Harlot. A number of other cost-saving and revenue-enhancing moves are in the works:



* Switching to discount brand "Gee, Your Whiz Smells Terrific!" urinal cakes.

* Eliminating wasteful i-dotting and t-crossing.

* Dumping over-paid reporters and getting news from know-it-all cab drivers.

* Instituting firm "no seconds" policy when hosting DNC fundraising dinners.

* Siphoning ink from New York Post printing presses.

* Hiring street-corner squeegee bums to clean the Times Building's windows, and cutting their harness ropes just as they finish the top floor.

* Switching reporters to a flat salary instead of the current pay-per-lie arrangement.

* Refinancing mortgage on the Times Building and paying off those high-interest Mob loans.

* Switching from regular printer's ink to much darker Hudson River water.

* Explaining to their paperboys that, for a mere $20 a week, they'll "make sure nuthin' bad happens to that nice little bike you're ridin'... which would be a shame".

* Using regular newsprint instead of that fancy, quilted kind.

* Stopping unrealistic "news stories unchallenged by bloggers for 30 minutes, or it's free!" ad campaign.

* Firing their fact-checkers. They just sit on the computer playing solitaire all day, anyhow.

* Cease using William Hung songs as subscription order line hold music.

* Waiting until Democratic candidate bribe checks actually clear the bank before giving endorsements.

* Replacing boring news stories with hilarious "Fun Facts About the 50 States" pieces.

* Which would also increase the paper's overall accuracy quotient.

* Saving on expensive photographer's fees by replacing pictures of President Bush with royalty-free chimpanzee clip-art.

* Replacing ink-wasting word "insurgents" with shorter "dudes".

* Three words - Arthur Andersen Accounting.



With these changes in place, the paper should be back on its feet, in the gutters, and raking muck in no time.

Rating: 3.1/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (9) | Best of IMAO 2006 ~ | Precision Guided Humor Assignments
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 08:11 AM | Email This

(Introduction)



1) Sonny Storm is what kind of reporter in Springfield?

2) Who daydreams that Bart will someday become impaled on her Pulitzer Prize?

3) According to Apu, who designed Marge's hair?

4) What role does Homer get in the Springfield Bicentennial Parade?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.8/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (4) | Simpsons Trivia
July 25, 2006
A Story, Bit by Bit
Hellbender: Part 19 - Lab 8
Posted by Frank J. at 09:17 PM | Email This

BEGINNING OF STORY

PREVIOUS (PART 18)

* * * *

Charlene warned Doug that the released prisoners might mistake them for guards and kill them too, but Doug had solved the problem by walking up to them and saying, "Hi. I'm Doug, and I'm going to help get you all out of here." There wasn't any time for other introductions as they were soon engaged in firefights with more soldiers. Charlene gladly led the way through these as Doug and the prisoners who obtained guns provided cover fire. Doug was good at cover fire as it involved shooting in a general direction of people without necessarily hitting anyone - the type of shooting he excelled at.

Another soldier fell under a burst of gunfire. Charlene tossed her rifle and grabbed his before facing the group following her. "That's the last of them! Come on! The communications are down, so all the soldiers in the building only know the alarm is off but not why. We have to get out of here before they put things together."

The twelve freed prisoners, had expressions hovering somewhere between hopeful and confused. One older man finally spoke up. "Who are you people?"

Charlene looked annoyed. "Doesn't matter; come on."

She led them to the stairway and Doug turned to the group and said, "We were just passing through, so we thought we'd help."

"Thanks... Doug."

Doug smiled. "No problem!"

There were some gunshots, and then they all had to step over a body on the stairway. After they got up a few flights, Charlene announced, "Here's where we part. You can take this stairwell to the roof where you can obtain a vehicle to get out of here... just leave at least one for us or I'll find another way out of here and then hunt you all down." Charlene scowled to make her point.

The freed prisoners kept heading up the stairs, a few calling out "Thank you"... mainly directed at Doug since they all seemed a bit scared of Charlene.

Doug waived goodbye and then followed Charlene out of the stairway. "They were nice."

"They won't last long; they probably don't have anywhere to escape to as I don't think any nation would accept them."

"Oh, I'm sure they'll find some place."

Charlene just glared at Doug for a half-second. She had been a bit tense ever since Doug accidentally set off the alarm.

As they approached Lab 8, they spotted four people standing in the hallway: Bryce, Lulu, and two soldiers. Charlene fired her rifle and then it was just Bryce and Lulu standing there.

Bryce recovered quickly from the surprise. "We were just telling them about the training exercise and how we were waiting on two technicians."

"And then you shot them," Lulu added. "I could have done that."

Charlene shoved Bryce towards the lab door. "Let's just get this over with."

"Don't be so impatient." Bryce swiped a security card and entered a code. "We weren't the ones who set off the alarm."

"That was Doug's fault!"

"But you had all ready shot people first!" Doug said. He knew Charlene seemed upset, but he didn't think he deserved all the blame.

The lab door opened, and Lulu led the way. "The important thing is no one got seriously hurt... other than people we don't care about."

Bryce and Charlene got to work on opening some computer at the back of the lab while Lulu watched. Doug then noticed a number of drawers with labels composed of odd combinations of letters and numbers. "Oh yeah, Stan told me to look for some project here that would help me."

Charlene took a panel off the side. "Who is Stan?"

Bryce pulled out the hard drive. "Doug's imaginary friend; we don't have time for this."

"It would prove Stan is real if what he told was here is here." Doug scanned the labels on the drawers. "I think he said to look for project DX-7."

"GX-7." Doug turned to see a woman had entered the lab behind them. She was an attractive brunette wearing a white lab coat over a black evening gown. "And who was it who told you of that project?"

Charlene had her rifle on the woman in a blink. Lulu followed suit pulling out her handgun.

The woman laughed. "So you people are the cause of all the commotion. All I ask is to be able to work in my lab in peace, and, if someone disturbs that peace, I want them killed. Apparently I need better help." She looked them over. "So all this is to steal my backup drive." She turned to Doug. "And project GX-7?"

Doug spotted the drawer labeled "GX-7" and opened it. Inside was a vial that he pocketed. "Now that I found it, I guess I'm stealing it. Nothing personal."

Bryce placed the hard drive in a case. "I don't know who you are, lady, but..."

"I'm Vera, of the Vera Research Facility." Her smile faded. "This is my research building, and I really don't like having you here."

"Well, Vera," Lulu said, waving her gun at the woman, "we have the job we're hired to do, so why don't you just stand back and no one else will have to get hurt."

Vera didn't look at all concerned about the guns pointed her way; she actually seemed to be ignoring them. There was something off about her... something Doug couldn't quite place. And, when he did place it, it sent a shiver down his spine. He slowly reached for his knife.

Vera smiled again, this time more like a predator bearing its teeth. "Maybe 'no one else getting hurt' is not the outcome I want."

NEXT

Baens Universe Logo
Help Save Science Fiction at Jim Baen's Universe!
(NOTE: Frank J.'s hastily hacked together stories are in no way supported or condoned by Baen)

Rating: 3.2/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (4) | Hellbender
Mirakle Koor Demands Federal Funding!!!
Posted by RightWingDuck at 06:05 PM | Email This

22005L.jpg


Ladies and Gentlemen,

Behold the cure for what ails you. Dr. Ducks Miracle Water. But you can’t have it. Know why? Stupid government bureaucrats with secret agendas are keeping this amazing elixir from you by denying the federal funds needed to develop this further.

What can Dr. Duck’s Miracle Water do for humanity?

Here are all the things it COULD do. Let’s hear from those who are suffering. And if you don’t feel for these people and want to help them then you have no heart and deserve to repeatedly vote Republican!!


Christopher Reeves. Computer Re-animation. Hi. I’m dead. But let me tell you what I would say if I would have known about Dr. Duck’s miracle water. My name is Christopher Reeves and I used to portray Superman back in the days when he was heterosexual. Really! I can’t stand the new Superman. I mean, the Fortress of Solitude isn’t supposed to have a hair salon!! Anyway, if you approve massive federal funding for Dr. Ducks Miracle Water, then one day people like me might have a chance to stand up, walk, and defend our Superman reputation.

Hollywood Child Actor: Do you know me? I used to be a cute and adorable child actor. People would melt at my smile. That is before massive drug abuse led to my teeth falling out. There may or may not be evidence that Dr. Duck’s Miracle Water can heal those who are suffering from drug addiction. Drug addiction is a serious illness that requires medical attention for everyone except conservative talk show hosts – who should be put in jail forever. Anyway, if you support funding for Dr. Duck’s Miracle Water, then one day, we can cure the scourge of drug abuse and agents will start returning my calls.

Congresswoman Cynthia McKinney. Looking at Camera. What do you mean tell them who I am? They know who I am? Why do I have to say my name? What are they – racist? (Punches the camera man.)

Cameraman: If you support Dr. Duck’s Miracle Water, then one day we can cure this horrible affliction we call racism.

These are all the things that Dr. Duck’s Miracle Water might be able to do. So please won’t you write your congressman and ask that the Bush Administration provide gargantuan gobs of money for the Dr. Duck corporation???


Here are some answers to questions you might have...

Dr. Ducks FAQ

Read More...


Rating: 2.7/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (7) | Best of IMAO 2006
IMAO Advice
Posted by spacemonkey at 05:21 PM | Email This

Guys, don't drink and bet. [Link mention's men's private parts, no pictures thankfully]

Don't make that bet anyway.

Rating: 2.0/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (11)
IMAO EXCLUSIVE: The Plan to Secure Baghdad
Posted by Frank J. at 01:21 PM | Email This

President Bush is outlining a plan to secure terror-torn Baghdad. In an IMAO Exclusive, we have obtained the details to this plan.

PRESIDENT BUSH'S TOP TEN IDEAS TO SECURE BAGHDAD

10. Designate any area within 100 yards of a school a "Bomb Free Zone".

9. Hide all the government buildings under really large version of those hide-a-key rocks.

8. Shoot the bad people.

7. If necessary, shoot them twice.

6. Don't feed Rudy Giuliani for a week while constantly teasing him and then unleash him on the city.

5. Scotchguard everything.

4. Threaten to hand the whole place over to the Jews if everyone doesn't calm down.

3. Put special sensors all over the city to detect the presence of monkeys.

2. Lend them Superman for ten minutes a day.

And the number one idea President Bush has to secure Baghdad...

Read More...


Rating: 2.2/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (14) | IMAO Exclusives
Movie Review: The Cavern (a.k.a., The Movie that Almost Done Blowed Up My Sister)
Posted by Frank J. at 11:13 AM | Email This

Yay! My little sister, Silly Sister Sarah (Sarah Fleming for professional purposes), finally has a feature length film out with her having full Costume Design credit. It's a horror movie called The Cavern (previously titled WIthIN) produced by Dead Crow Productions and distributed by Sony Pictures straight to DVD. I was so excited! Then I saw the film, and I wasn't so excited. Then I thought about it more and talked to my sister about it's making, and I'm excited again.


First off, I should mention the budget. It was made for $150,000, so it cost much less to make than the catering for Pirates of the Caribbean. In comparison, The Cave (also distributed by Sony Pictures), the other cave-based horror made about the same time but put out for theatrical release, cost $30 million to make (when I went to buy some more v-neck undershirts, I noticed Walmart is currently selling that movie boxed with The Cavern, allowing you to get both a big studio and an indie cave-based horror movie together for one low price!).

To me the, the whole concept of how you distribute and make money off of a no-budget movie is fascinating. Apparently the strategy for Sony Pictures is to package the DVD as professionally as possible as then put a big sticker on front of the box that says, "New Feature Film!" to tell you for certain, "No, you haven't heard of this movie before." The DVD was actually well done with an animated menu and everything (I'm guessing Sony Pictures spentt more to put together the DVD than the Dead Crow spent making the movie). They, of course, included tons of movie previews on it (mainly for theatrical releases I've heard of), but, strangely enough, only automatically play one when you put the DVD in. The special features include the trailer (the bare minimum for special features), director commentary from director Olatunde Osunsanmi, a making of documentary, and a documentary on actual caving. I only bothered to watch the making of documentary since my sister was featured in that and it showed the incident with a propane tank that almost blew up everybody (luckily only a car was destroyed; another car spontaneously combusted when production started - low budget movies really can't afford so many cars exploding when it's not part of the plot). Here's a big one, though - the documentary was mastered for widescreen! Almost no DVDs bother to master the special features for widescreen. I'll give almost an extra half-star to the review just for that.

Enough about packaging - let’s get to the movie! To my great disappointment, there were no opening credits since Costume Design is always in the opening credits (on the other hand, the quick list of cast and crew on the back of the DVD - similar to what you see at the bottom of movie posters - lists "Costume Design SARAH FLEMING", so she is right there on the movie packaging). Instead, there's what I found to be a pretty effective title reveal to set the mood for the film.

The movie starts with a short segment of the group camping before they explore the cave which contained the only part of the film that screamed low-budget - a CGI fire for their campfire (my sister explained they were too low budget to pay off park officials to allow them an actual campfire). This segment was just long enough to establish the characters, mention why caving is interesting ("Caves are the last unexplored territory on earth."), and casually drop that no one other than those in the group knew they were there at this unexplored cave (the setting is some desert in some nation split off from Russia - I forget the name). Oh, and there was a mention of some disaster two years earlier when some of the main characters were caving - a subplot I thought added nothing to the film.

Anyway, you don't have to wait long until they're actually in the cave and soon hunted by some unknown presence. Here's where it gets both good and bad. The good is it looks like they are actually exploring a real cave in cramped quarters with little light (while the documentary reveals it's all on a raised soundstage). The bad is that all the action is in cramped caves with little light; the choice was realism over cinematography. Maybe part of the problem was how I viewed the film; SarahK (a.k.a., the other Sarah Fleming) doesn't like horror films, so she'd only watch it during the day. This is a movie that must be watched in the dark as there are a couple sequences where things go completely black that, in daylight, looks like I just turned off the TV and left my sound system on. Still, the whole choice to go somewhat Blair Witch style with the cameras (they get shaky and even turn upside down when things get panicky) didn't work for me. It obscured the action too much, in my opinion, and got quite tiresome near the end. It was a neat idea and an interesting risk for the first time director - one reviewer on IMDB who claims to be an actual caver (and hopefully isn't a sock puppet) says the film realistically portrayed exploring a cave. Still, I watch movies to be able to see things, and my favorite scene was when they waited to ambush what was after them (unlike many other horror films, some of these characters were smart enough to come armed) in a flooded cavern, and the camera actually panned back a bit for a nice money shot.

My biggest problem was the ending, which I found confusing and disappointing. While the film kept me interested for most of it as the acting was good (though the women hyperventilated too much and I couldn't understand them) and there was plenty of well established tension, by the end I was tired of the screaming and the shaky camera work and was like, "Just explain what's after them and end this, already!" In a 90-minute film, it's pretty bad when you begin to check your watch. The conclusion came out of left-field, and I didn't find it satisfying at all. The film actually could have been decent if it weren't for the ending.

One other complaint was the sound effects for the gore seemed over the top... but, then again, I don't know what it sounds like to actually disembowel someone. On the other hand, the actual gore was well-done.

I guess I should mention the costume design since that's what I watched the movie for. Well, they all wore cave gear. My sister's work was mainly off camera in getting enough of the same outfit for each character for all the scenes while staying in budget and then aging the outfits and keeping continuity (can't have blood spatter change from scene to scene which can be hard when scenes are filmed out of order). It's actually a lot of work that had her on the set every day, but the sort of thing that's invisible on screen (if done competently - and my sister is nothing if not competent… and silly).

BTW, the movie ends with really cool but hard to read credit sequence that looks like it took up half the budget. My sister's name appears just before the credits flash the name of the movie again followed by the rest of the credits for the more minor crew.

All in all, I give the movie two stars out of five... and that's trying my best not to be biased since my sister was involved. I didn't like it, but I could imagine some people really liking it (it's easier for me to imagine than that some people really liked the Oscar nominated The Thin Red Line - what the hell was up with that film?). If you really like horror films (or caves), it's worth a rental. Everyone else, I'd stay away unless you're just so curious what a $150,000 movie looks like.

Myself, I'll probably go back and listen to some of the commentary (I want the ending explained; also, in some point of the commentary, Osunsanmi mentions my sister). This movie also shows enough promise that I'm interested in what Osunsanmi will do with his next film. Apparently, he has a great premise for his next film (and, hopefully, my sister will be attached to that project as well). Also, with The Descent (yet another cave-based horror movie - this one with an $8 million budget) coming to U.S. theaters, maybe some cable channel will pick up The Cavern to play off the free promotion... but nothing is currently in the works.

The next feature length film out with my sister as Costume Design will be a (presumably) dumb action flick which SarahK should like better (here's her very short review of The Cavern). It's called Backlash and stars an accomplished stuntwoman who had a role on 24 last season. And yes, I'll probably have a long review for that when it comes out.

Until then, be honorable, ronin.

P.S. I asked my sister why most low budget movies tend to be horror movies even though horror movie barely ever tend to be good movies in their own right. She answered, "Would you rather see a bad drama or a bad horror movie?" Good point.

Rating: 2.3/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (18)
Puppet Theater
Posted by Frank J. at 08:40 AM | Email This

I missed the whole socket puppet Glenn Greenwald controversy (well, until Glenn Greenwald wrote a post disputing all these allegations I never heard before); for me, Greenwald was silly enough as a left-wing blowhard trying to pretend he's a centrist and attacking the puppy blender for his "extreme right-wing ideology" ("Heh" and "Indeed" are fascist code words, I believe). Anyway, there's no better summation of the sock puppet issue than this.

(hat tip to the puppy blender who has other links on the subject)

Rating: 2.2/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (3)
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 07:31 AM | Email This

(Introduction)



1) (T/F) Gabbo's show forced Krusty off the air

2) When Krusty got busted, what magazine called him "Krook Of The Year?"

3) Which author is sold at Books! Books! and Additional Books! by the pound?

4) When Homer thought he was dying, what was #10 on his things-to-do list?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.6/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (3) | Simpsons Trivia
July 24, 2006
Fun Facts About Nebraska
Posted by Harvey at 05:34 PM | Email This

The IMAO Podcast is still on hiatus, but I have an irresistible urge to finish up the rest of the states in the Fun Facts About The 50 States series, so I'm going to forge ahead - hopefully on a weekly schedule.

Should the podcast return, this is the list from which I'll pick & choose my favorite items to record.

(continued in extended entry)

Read More...


Rating: 3.1/5 (67 votes cast)

Comments (15) | Fun Trivia
IMAO's Official Position
Posted by Frank J. at 04:45 PM | Email This

It's IMAO's Official Position that it's okay to joke about cocaine usage if you are running uncontested for reelection.

If we don't let our politicians make risque jokes, how will I ever get elected to anything?

Rating: 1.0/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (7)
Power Emergency
Posted by Laurence Simon at 04:20 PM | Email This

Apparently, California is in some kind of Stage 1 Power Emergency right now. Too many people in the Castro District using their hairdryers at once, or Ed Begley, Jr.'s recharging his electric car again.

Anyway, since the official response to a Stage 1 Power Emergency is "Blame Enron" I have the distinct feeling this crisis will only deepen.

So, for all of our regular IMAO readers in California threatened with eternal darkness and the collapse of what passes for civilization there on the Left Coast, IMAO has prepared a list of things to do during your electricity-free time...

Read More...


Rating: 2.4/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (14)
A Story, Bit by Bit
Hellbender: Part 18 - Alarm
Posted by Frank J. at 02:36 PM | Email This

BEGINNING OF STORY

PREVIOUS (PART 17)

* * * *

When the alarm went off, Bryce lost his cool for a moment. He quickly regained himself, and, as Reiter and his guard Blair stared at Bryce looking ready to move against him, Bryce casually glanced to his watch and said, "The alarm was supposed to go off five minutes ago; I wonder if something is wrong?"

They were in an empty lab; Reiter seemed to be careful on what he showed Bryce until he had more confirmation on who he was. Bryce had seen enough, though, including the pin number that went with Reiter's access card. He only had to get it from him, but Blair was watching them like a hawk. So the best bet was to take out Blair first, but Bryce had two problems with that: One, he wasn't the kind of person who could just pull out a gun and shoot someone face to face. Two, he was scared of Blair.

Thus he figured that meant he should get Lulu to do it, who, for all he knew, could be freaking out behind him. Bryce couldn't risk breaking character to check, though.

Reiter looked ready to burst with frustration. "Why didn't you tell me you were setting off the alarm?"

Bryce sighed. "How many times do I have to say this is a surprise inspection?"

Blair had her hand resting on the rifle slung over her shoulder and kept a steady gaze on Bryce. "I should check with surveillance on what's happening."

Bryce shook his head. "You can't do that. Communications are down as part of the test." Or, at least, they should be if Doug and Charlene didn't completely screw up.

Reiter made a fist. "You took down our communications?!"

Blair began to grip her rifle. "How are we supposed to find out if he is who he says he is now?"

Bryce rolled his eyes. "Obviously, if we know enough about this place to bring down the communications, then we must be who we say we are. Can we keep this moving?"

It looked like Reiter couldn't decide whether to obey or shoot Bryce. "You do know Dumalt is coming?"

Dumalt? "Of course."

"I wonder who he'll kill when he finds the place like this." Blair pointed her rifle at Bryce. "But I know who I will."

Bryce could hear Lulu scribbling behind him, confirming she was still there. He looked to Reiter while pointing at Blair. "This woman just pointed a gun at an Asmod official. I want her executed."

Blair kept her gun on Bryce while Reiter now drew his sidearm but kept it down at his side. Bryce could tell he very much wanted to shoot him, but there was that seed of doubt. Reiter must have still left open the possibility that Bryce really was just another pompous government official, and, by shooting him - as logical as that seemed - he would be signing his own death warrant.

Blair seemed to be waiting for word from Reiter, but, getting none, she glanced towards him. It seemed the perfect time to act - if Bryce were more of a man of action, that is.

All Bryce knew was that someone fired, and then he lost track of everything else. There was a stinging pain on his left arm, and he saw Reiter, bleeding from his right hand, and reaching for his gun on the ground with his left. Bryce ran forward and kicked him, meeting foot to chin. By the time Bryce remembered his own gun, he realized it was all over. Blair was dead, and behind him stood Lulu holding a smoking gun, the notepad laying at her feet.

Lulu lowered her weapon. "I never killed anyone like that before."

"Better than getting killed like that." Bryce looked over the unconscious Reiter for his keycard.

Lulu smiled. "I'm like a real killer now, aren't I? Is there some special ceremony you're supposed to do with your first kill? Like, should I drink her blood?"

Bryce gave her an odd glance as he stood up with the keycard. "We don't have time to stop for a drink. Now, put your gun away, pick up your notepad, and let's just walk out of here."

Lulu put the gun back under her suit jacket. "I'm in charge, and if I decide to shoot more people, I will." She picked up her notepad. "What do you think happened with Charlene and Doug?"

"Dunno." Bryce activated his radio as he headed towards the hallway. "Doug, Sidewinder, what happened?"

In his earpiece came the answer, "This is Doug. Uh... Hey, Bryce, what's your call sign again?"

"Midas."

"Well, Midas, we... Wait, why don't I get a call sign?"

"Because you're Doug. Now what happened?"

"We got the software installed like we were supposed to, but then I thought maybe we should free the people prisoner here because..."

"No! Bad Doug! No thinking! I'm docking part of Charlene's pay for not keeping good watch of you!"

"Sidewinder," Doug corrected.

"Whatever. What are you all doing?"

"We're headed up with our new friends... and Sidewinder is shooting at people right now."

"The only way out are the vehicles on the roof; send your friends there if you want. You two meet us at Lab 8 where we are headed now. Midas out."

When Bryce and Lulu exited into the hallway, they found themselves face to face with five soldiers. "Quick!" Bryce pointed vigorously into the lab they just exited. "Reiter has been shot!" The soldiers rushed into the room, and Bryce smashed through the glass to hit the emergency lockdown button, locking the soldiers inside.

Lulu tapped her notepad with her pen as they sped up the pace. "So, did Charlene start 'Plan S'?"

"Kinda."

"Things aren't going to plan, are they?"

"We're going by backup plans, which technically means we're still in plan, I'd say."

They encountered three more soldiers at the stairway. "Quick!" Bryce pointed down the hallway in panic. "A number of soldiers got locked in Lab 4!" The soldiers rushed to help.

As they headed up the stairs, Bryce noticed the sting in his left arm again. He looked to see a cut where a bullet must have grazed him. A bit of blood oozed down his sleeve. "Man, I liked this suit. Let's not get shot anymore; that is definitely not planned. We better hurry; hopefully, if Doug and Charlene took down the network correctly, no one outside will notice this building is in lockdown. That will probably change whenever this Dumalt character gets here."

"Who do you think he is?"

Bryce shrugged. "Why don't we get this job done and get out of here as fast as we can and leave that a mystery for the ages."

Lulu skipped ahead of Bryce. "Fine with me; this alarm is annoying."

NEXT

Baens Universe Logo
Help Save Science Fiction at Jim Baen's Universe!
(NOTE: Frank J.'s hastily hacked together stories are in no way supported or condoned by Baen)

Rating: 2.3/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (5) | Hellbender
IMAO uncovers another member of Jesus' family!!!
Posted by RightWingDuck at 01:37 PM | Email This

After reading The Da vinci Code, it got me to thinking. What if it's true?? Then Jesus had a family. and that family must still be around. Well, it didn't take too long for some of the "Jesus family" to start appearing.

Of course, the lady mentioned in the link above - who already has a book coming out - would NEVER consider writing for IMAO. So we decided to do some investigative work. Thankfully, you can find anything through Google. Except, of course, "Chinese repression."

After much effort and countless popup ads, I, RghtWingDuck have discovered the Fountain of Truth!!!. Yes, we have discovered a Jesus family member willing to write for us!!

You might be saying.. That's silly. There's no proof you have the real deal.

Hey, folks. This is IMAO you're talking about. We have a reputation for doing the type of research that made Dan Rather who he is.

Here is the copy of newly googled ancient hiddent texst to back up my assertions.


The Clan of Stephen Stephen.

Afterwards, Jesus went off with Mary Magdalene to his honeymoon. "Can you believe we fooled them all?"

"Jesus Christ we did!" replied Mary.

"Hey!" Jesus said. "That almost sounded as if you were using my name as a curse word."

And Jesus and Mary ended up fighting on the night of their honeymoon

Later they made up and had a good laugh at all the people they fooled. "Hope, salvation and eternal life? As. If" giggled Jesus. "I came here to hang out with the guys and settle down. Maybe one day have me some kids when the time is right."

Then Mary held up a dead rabbit. "Jesus Christ, do I have a surprise for you!"

After eating dinner Jesus said, "That was some tasty rabbit. So what is my surprise?" Then Mary told him and Jesus exclaimed, "But I formed the earth and all that is in it! I was there at the beginning of time. I'm just not ready for kids. "

And so Mary and Jesus had them many a children. But their children were tucked away into hiding because those crazy Christians were out talking about the salvation of Christ and peace everlasting, when all Jesus came for was to make babies and have them spread the word about how he came to make er - um - babies.

Here is the genealogy of the One True Real Church.

And Jesus and Mary begat Terese, Silvia, and Stephen. Terese who was their pride and joy. grew up and married a nice Jewish boy named Morty-kai. Morthy and Terese had their three children Rachel, Marie, and Shaquiqua - who didn't look much like Morty but he kept h is mouth shut because his father in law said it would be a really sad thing if part of Morty were to fall off - if you know what we mean.

Silvia moved to the town of Nazareth where she opened a stand selling wooden crosses to unsuspecting Christian tourists. Silvia never married but did live with a nice lady named Helen who was rugged and very good at construction.


Stephen met nice girl who begat 4 kids. Stephen George, Stephen Michael, Stephen Paul, and Stephen Stephen.

The boys fought and squabbled over whom Grandad loved best.

Eventually, the group of Jesus kids grew and grew and populated over the entire earth, including Arkansas, where the son's of Stephen Stephen would one day settle.

Here is the genealogy of the group of Stephen Stephen of Arkansas.

Moe begat Meenie (whom he would have named Miney but couldn't decide) who later begat Jed, Ned, and Bubba. These kids got along well, except when it came time for schooling and washing behind the ears. Eventually, Ned and Ted died in a horrible accident involving a combine and three fifths of hooch.

Bubba stayed to run the family farm and cater to the needs of the masses.


**

To this day, Bubba is there for us. A member of the One True Real Church, he cares about himself and you. Mostly himself.

However, by offering the right incentive, the group at IMAO was able to secure his willingness to blog and answer the questions that mankind needs answered. More soon.

bubba1.jpg

Rating: 1.2/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (11)
What the Middle East Needs Is More Landmines
An Editorial by Frank J.
Posted by Frank J. at 12:23 PM | Email This

 Some people say that the problem with the Middle East is too many people blowing up, but I'd say the opposite: All animals keep to themselves that the benefit of the Outer West is too few animals rebuilding.

 Well, I guess the opposite doesn't make much sense, but what I will say is that the problem with the Middle East is that too few people are blowing up. What we need is more landmines.

"Middle East = BOOM!"

 The problem with people in the Middle East is that terrorists have too much ability to move around. If landmines were everywhere, though, that would change everything. When a terrorist heads to blow himself up in a crowded Israeli street, he would instead get blown up on his own street as soon as he walked the door and stepped on one of the many landmines that were placed there. Soon terrorists would have to watch the ground and tip-toe carefully - and how threatening can a bunch of people on their tip-toes be?

 Some may be concerned that innocent people could be killed by these landmines. That is stupid. If someone is innocent, then why is he hanging out in the Middle East - a known haven for terrorists? I think most people know by now that, if you don't want to get blown up, stay out of the Middle East. When the entire place is covered in landmines, people will know it all the more: Middle East = BOOM! In fact, it's possible being exploded was invented in the Middle East. It may be the only thing invented in the Middle East.

 Princess Di used to campaign against landmines, but she died in a car crash (for which I have an alibi). Thus, landmines could become popular again. If we cover the Middle East in landmines, then we can blow up the bad people - and you know they’re bad if they’re wandering around the Middle East (who wanders but to plot!). As the saying goes: Fences make good neighbors, and landmines make terrorists stay at home unless they want get exploded.

Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us. He is also the author of such books as "Landmines: Crouching Tiger, Hidden Explosive Device" and "Blow Up This Book".

Rating: 2.4/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (8) | Editorials
Frank Answers Returns
Posted by Frank J. at 11:15 AM | Email This

When we last saw Frank Answers™, it had left for Krypton to search for others like it. Finding nothing, it has returned to Earth to answer more questions... questions posed to Frank that need answers in a segment called...

Frank Answers™!


George S. of Vanuatu: The Happiest Place on Earth writes:
Why don't you start doing Frank Answers again?

If we could genetically alter our skin to contain chlorophyll, could we live without eating? Would Frito-Lay go belly up (so to speak)? And would that put us in league with the lefto-weenies who are doing their "rolling fast" to protest us choosing Iraq as a battlefield against terrorists?

Would an army of clones be unusually susceptible to a genetically tailored disease?

If you resurrect Frank Answers, can I have the first question? All of the first set of questions? I promise I won't even mention monkeys...OOPS!


Well, Georgie, the reason I didn't do Frank Answers™ anymore was that, until now, no one asked. But it is asked and it shall be done.

If you altered your skin to contain chlorophyll or any other type of phyll, you'd still need water and nutrients to produce energy (along with carbon dioxide). Thus, you'd probably have to take vitamins. Taking vitamins is usually considered not to be fasting, as the first thing Gandhi would do when he ended a fast was eat a whole handful of Flintstone vitamins. When I was in preschool, I once stole the Flintstone vitamins (assisted by my little sister – ooh! I have to review her move soon!) and ate a ton of them. Poison control said I had to drink lots of water the rest of the day. If I had chlorophyll, that would have been a perfectly normal day.

Yes, on the resurrection of Frank Answers™, you get the first set of questions. Now on to better ones!

Read More...


Rating: 2.3/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (18) | Frank Answers
Random Musing
Posted by Frank J. at 08:30 AM | Email This

If I were insane, I'd probably eat people's faces. That just sounds like the sort of thing that would fit my character... if I were insane.

Which I'm not.

But if I were psychotically insane, I could just see me eating someone's face. Then a guy would ask, "Hey, what happened to Pete's face?"

And I'd say, "I ate it." Then I'd giggle. And that seems just about right for me... if were insane.

Which I'm not.

Rating: 1.8/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (11)
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 07:33 AM | Email This

(Introduction)



1) (T/F) The Simpsons move to Capital City so Dancin' Homer can be the baseball team's mascot

2) Bart is pitted against who in a miniature golf tournament?

3) Bart says that nothing can upset him or Lisa, because they're part of what generation?

4) In "Homer the Vigliante", the guy who drives into a river is a parody of who?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.4/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (7) | Simpsons Trivia
July 23, 2006
Posted by Frank J. at 01:42 PM | Email This

farceiswithu.gif

Rating: 2.4/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (12)
prayer request . . .
Posted by Frank J. at 12:36 PM | Email This

i was horrified to hear that saddam is doing so badly after two weeks of his "hunger strike" -- i find it a little hard to believe that a man so cowardly that he allowed himself to be captured in a rat hole would have the guts to starve himself to death, but i wouldn't want to take the chance he would die even by accident -- he's got an appointment to make that i don't want to see him miss . . .

hangman_hung.gif

Rating: 2.3/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (5)
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 10:03 AM | Email This

(Introduction)



1) (T/F) Conan O'Brien was a writer/producer of The Simpsons who went on to host his own late-night talk show

2) Which breed of dog is Santa's Little Helper?

3) The Angel Skeleton was sent by who?

4) For what comic strip was Matt Groening known before he created the Simpsons?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

For those who don't like Simpsons trivia, just be grateful that it's not an Yvonne's Ashes revival.

Rating: 2.7/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (5) | Simpsons Trivia
July 22, 2006
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 08:56 AM | Email This

(Introduction)



1) From where did Homer get his new name, Max Power?

2) In "Simpson's Bible Stories", who played Pharoh?

3) What is the name of the secret machine that truckers use to drive their rigs?

4) Who is Mr. Burns behind on the Most Popular Billionaire's List?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Meanwhile, if you don't know the answers, but you remember the episode, feel free to reminisce about other parts of it.

Rating: 2.9/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (18) | Simpsons Trivia
July 21, 2006
Glenn Reynolds - Legal Geniousness
Posted by Harvey at 04:50 PM | Email This

(A Filthy Lie)

You may not know this, but before blackmailing his way into a tenured position as a law professor at the University of Tennessee, Glenn Reynolds was head of his own law firm (Reynolds, Duzzy, Cheatham and Howe). Some accomplishments of note during those years include:



* Modified a GPS device to home in on ambulance sirens.

* Pioneered the "I'm not wearing a tie at all!" defense, later made famous by Lionel Hutz.

* Pioneered the rhyming defense (later made famous by Johnny Cochran) for the Rodney King beating case: "Because they're white, what they did was all right".

* Discovered flaws in Einstein's Theory of Relativity, thus making the 48-billable-hours day possible.

* Whipped up puppy smoothies during trials so as to make his clients appear comparatively less heinous.

* Installed irritating extra-buzzy flourescent lights at the office. Giggled as the number of workplace shooting incidents skyrocketed.

* Got the Scopes monkey acquitted on appeal.

* Successfully sued himself for sexual harrassment based on several incidents of staring, pointing, and laughing at his wang in the restroom.

* Took malfunctioning office fax machine out into a field and smashed it with a baseball bat as seen in Michael Moore's documentary "Office Space 9/11".

* Improved collection rates on overdue Accounts Receivable by feeding deadbeat clients to carnivorous office plants.

* Improved courtroom win-loss record by doing the same with prosecuting attorneys.

* Stopped filing "frivolous" lawsuits. Started filing "Super Happy Lucky Fun" lawsuits.

* Saved thousands of dollars in contempt-of-court fines by installing covert "witness teleprompters" in his eyeglasses.

* Cut jury-tampering expenses by 91.6% by switching to judge-tampering.

* Won a hefty alimony settlement for Michael Jackson's old nose when it divorced his face.

* Linked to every legal brief ever filed by Ann Althouse.

* Cleared President Bush of slander charges by proving that New York Times reporter Adam Clymer really WAS a major-league a**hole.



Rumor has it that he'll be back in the courtroom soon defending John Bolton's moustache for beating the crap out of Kofi Annan, but that's just sheer speculation at this point.

Rating: 2.4/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (4) | Filthy Lies
UnChristian
Posted by Laurence Simon at 02:51 PM | Email This

You know, for a guy who got a few hundred extra votes in 2000 because of confused old Jews living in Boca Raton, Florida, Pat Buchanan can be such an ungrateful jerk.

I mean, come on. Israel's UnChristian and UnAmerican?

What's his first clue? Did he find a six-pointed star on his American Flag Depends garments this morning or something?

Next time, the World Zionist Conspiracy is going to rig the butterfly ballots so that people voting for the liberal robot envirofreak tool will end up voting for "Pat Buchanan is an ungrateful jerk."

Rating: 2.4/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (11)
Thieving Onion!
Posted by Frank J. at 11:01 AM | Email This

And I barely ever stole from them at all!

Tell me this isn't stealing my bit, because I know no one has ever thought about nuking the moon other than me (well, me and the U.S. government in the 50's).

(hat tip to radar)

Rating: 2.3/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (17)
Friday Catblogging
Posted by Laurence Simon at 09:48 AM | Email This

Since it's Friday, I thought I'd spread the joy of humor-free, apolitical Friday Catblogging to IMAO (aka "I-MEOW").

Sure, some of the IMAO bloggers beat me up for doing this, but my grandmother used to say that bruises are God's gold stars in the School Of Life. (It didn't help that my great-grandfather was a professional boxer who... well, let's say he took his work home with him at night.)

Anyway, it's time for Piper the Vicious:

If you're not sure how this absurd scene pertains to IMAO, since IMAO is famous for that "political humor" thing, it doesn't. If you must have some semblance of politics or humor in everything you read here, just assume that Piper is... um...

Help me out here. Make your suggestions in the comments how this scene is, in fact, a political allegory.


You can find more examples of Friday catblogging by searching a blog search engine such as Technorati for "catblogging."

You can also find a roundup of catblogging posts at The Friday Ark, located at The Modulator blog. Then, when the weekend is nearly over, head over to The Carnival of the Cats for more kitty goodness. There's also a Flikr Group called Furry Friday.

Add to that Weekend Catblogging at Eatstuff.

Anybody I miss?

Rating: 2.1/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (18) | Friday Cat-Blogging
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 09:25 AM | Email This

(Introduction)



1) (T/F) When Homer owes Patty and Selma money, he takes a second job as a limousine driver

2) Where does Bart write, "Don't Tread On Me" in defiance of the Australians?

3) Who is the US Undersecretary of State to Australia for International Protocol?

4) Which old mob boss threatens to kill Homer and Krusty if they don't do a certain clown trick?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 1.8/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (4) | Simpsons Trivia
July 20, 2006
Podcast Eulogy
Posted by Harvey at 08:30 PM | Email This

The Order of the Blue Square posts as follows:

IMAO podcasts are a thing of the past.

In order to properly to say goodbye to what was once a monument of conservative wit, the Order of the Blue Square, along with Shoot a Liberal, is asking you to prepare your own eulogy for the IMAO podcast. They can be of any length and should preferrably be funny, as I'm sure the IMAO podcast would want, were it still with us.

Please e-mail me at thebluesquare@gmail.com or leave a comment with the permalink to your eulogy by July 27, and be sure to tell all your blogging friends. (I haven't set up trackbacks yet, sorry.) If you don't have a blog, just write it up, e-mail me, and I'll post it here.

On July 28, we will hold a funeral for the IMAO podcast, listing all of the eulogies you have written.

Personally, I don't see what the fuss was all about. It was just idiots with microphones, and one hot chick doing some sound editing.

But go ahead & participate if you'd like.

After all, if Family Guy can be brought back due to public outcry, maybe there's still hope for the podcast...

Rating: 1.6/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (21)
Who Wants Some Frank Answers?
Posted by Frank J. at 04:47 PM | Email This

It's time to try a return of Frank Answers™. Just e-mail me (frankj [at] imao.us) with the subject "Frank Answers" and your question. I know all, so no question is too much for the great Frank J.

Oh, and if you get some e-mail back that my mailbox is full, ignore it. All the e-mails get forwarded to another e-mail address so I do get them even if I haven't cleaned out my mailbox.

P.S. Remember to include your name and town.

Rating: 1.9/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (18)
Saying Something Positive About Islam
Posted by Frank J. at 04:17 PM | Email This

I think I've been a little harsh on Islam in general lately, but you can't be an honest Christian without thinking that all other religions are complete and utter crap (with some exception to Judaism because it's the precursor to Christianity). I mean, if you think the Prophet Mohammed wasn't a nut, then you should switch to Islam; it's simple as that, but most are too polite to say it.

Still, Muslims seem to be much more respectful of their own religion is some ways than the average Christian. Ever hear a Muslim stub his toe and yell, "Prophet Mohammed!"

Me neither.

Rating: 1.6/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (38)
My Apologies
Posted by Frank J. at 04:09 PM | Email This

Sorry, I'm too busy to blog today, and I feel like I fail you, my readers, if I don't do at least one In My World™ a week.

Well, that's why it's a group blog.

For Hellbender fans, I hope to get back to doing a part a day next week.

Rating: 1.4/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (5)
An Embryo Of Truth
Posted by spacemonkey at 04:09 PM | Email This

If embryos aren't people,
then why don't vegetarians eat eggs?

Rating: 2.4/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (25)
Question of the Day
Posted by Laurence Simon at 02:22 PM | Email This

Q: What has the world learned from Kofi Annan's repeated demands for a ceasefire in Lebanon and, with the European Union, refusal to recognize Hezbollah as a terrorist entity?

Read More...


Rating: 2.3/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (8)
We like the moon (even if FrankJ wants to nuke it)
Posted by Laurence Simon at 11:56 AM | Email This

It's the anniversary of the Apollo 11 moon landing today.

You know what that means.

Rating: 2.1/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (12)
Holy Cow! It's Carnival of Comedy Day!
Posted by spacemonkey at 10:32 AM | Email This

Where've I been?

I need to post a reminder! And some other stuff!

NOW!

Reminder: it's July 20th, so that means Miriams Ideas will have the carnival on Friday. She doesn't do fancy graphics, she doesn't even have the 'keys to the carnival'l!

I will email them to her.

In the meanwhile, send your entries for tomorrow's carnival here, or here!

------------------------------
Carnival Schedule
July 27th The Kag Report - Striving for average got too tough for him!
Aug 3rd Progressive Islam - He says he's a funny muslim!
Aug 10th The Blue Square - He's sad and his 4 sides all measure the same!

Rating: 2.6/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (2)
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 08:02 AM | Email This

(Introduction)



1) (T/F) Spike is the name of Homer's helper monkey

2) Homer commands a submarine when he joins what military organization?

3) When Jasper is frozen at the Kwik-E-Mart, what does Apu rename him?

4) Who is the former sanitation commissioner that Homer replaced?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

By the way, if some smartypants wrecks it all by giving the correct answers 2 minutes after this post goes up, feel free to reminisce about the other parts of the episode in question.

Like "Before I saw him appear as the sanitation commissioner, I *really* thought Steve Martin had been dead for years... Guess that was just his career I was thinking of..."

Rating: 2.7/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (13) | Simpsons Trivia
July 19, 2006
The Search for the IMAO T-Shirt Babe: Mach II
Posted by Cadet Happy at 09:48 PM | Email This

As you all know, the lovely and talented SarahK turned a corner early this morning—yes, the dreaded 30th birthday. We all looked the other way when she turned 29 last year, but letting her continue her reign into her 30s just seems sarcastic. Therefore, without further ado, I now officially open nominations for the IMAO T-Shirt Babe: Mach II!

So, ladies, you are probably asking yourself what you need to do to be the IMAO T-Shirt Babe, Mach II. First, be a babe (under 25 preferred-I don’t want to switch our babe again until well into the next Presidential administration). Second, have a photo taken displaying your babeness (extra credit for body shots). Third, to prove your babeness, write a short (200 words or less) hawkish statement (though, frankly, if you are blonde scorcher, skip the essay).

So spread the word, ring the bells, and notify the press; the contest has begun. Good luck to all participants, though only one will achieve the immortality that is being the IMAO T-Shirt Babe: Mach II.

PASTIT.jpg

Rating: 1.5/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (27)
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 04:17 PM | Email This

Hezbollah rockets have now hit the city of Nazareth. What famous person hails from that city?

Read More...


Rating: 2.5/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (11) | Fun Trivia
I'm Not Aloof; I'm The Loof
Posted by Frank J. at 03:53 PM | Email This

SarahK says I'm a bit too aloof with my readers. I thought it was okay that I quietly read all your comments and e-mails, but do you people actually expect me to respond or something? I once tried responding to every comment back when I started my blog, but that quickly became overwhelming.

Frankly, I think everyone should be happy that I watch over you all quietly... like a god!

UPDATE: More to the point, I should mention that nothing motivates me to write more than comments (especially when I got out on limb and do something different like with writing a story). I'm afraid that by being aloof, people are less motivated to comment and thus I kill my own inspiration.

Rating: 0.8/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (32)
Another Failure of Child Safety Locks on Guns
Posted by Frank J. at 02:01 PM | Email This

Twelve-year-old fends off burglars with a gun.

Rating: 1.9/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (11)
A Story, Bit by Bit
Hellbender: Part 17 - Blind
Posted by Frank J. at 12:35 PM | Email This

BEGINNING OF STORY

PREVIOUS (PART 16)

* * * *

"Did someone just get shot?"

Charlene was worried for a moment, but then she could hear the voice of Bryce continuing to prattle on. She'd figure he'd have been shot before Lulu. "Maybe," Charlene answered Doug in an unconcerned tone as possible and then gave him a warning glance to remind him that he wasn't supposed to do any talking.

Doug certainly didn't seem like a very bright fellow. He was nice enough, though, and completely harmless as far as Charlene could tell... which meant he was a horrible person to bring into a situation where combat was likely. Still, he had come to her aid when she captured the battlemech the other day, and Charlene figured he may be of some use she had yet to fathom.

They took an elevator to the building's basement, and Charlene spent the time contemplating how in the world she had ended up here. Yes, she was doing what looked to be an important mission for the Proserpine government (or at least she hoped it was for them), but it just made her feel so dirty to being doing mercenary work. What made it all the worse was that it was architected by a sleaze who rightfully should have been executed by the state years ago.

They exited the elevator into yet another sterile looking hallway.

Charlene knew there was no one to blame for this more than herself. It probably all was set in motion when she made friend with Lulu, she thought. She had been fine in the military before without any friends, spending her free time training to better herself. It was nice enough having someone to go shopping and chat with, but it was obvious to her now that it had all weakened her on the more important matters. How else could she explain that she was now infiltrating an enemy base as a mercenary?

Still, she had a job to do, and she would give it her full commitment.

Ahead of them were a number of scared looking men and women being ushered into a prison area. Charlene ignored it, but she noticed Doug watching them with concern. And, once again, he forgot to shut up. "Who are they?"

"They're here in case we need human test subjects," Carlson, their armed chaperone, answered.

Doug looked horrified. "Why them? What did they do?"

"Who cares?" Charlene quickly answered and hit Doug in the shoulder as a reminder to be quiet.

It worked, but not for long. After staring into the prison area for a short while, Doug whispered into Charlene's ear, "Someone should help them."

"If helping these people were of any interest, then Empress Proserpine would do so. Plus, far as we know, they deserve their fate." They didn't look like hardcore criminals, but looks were often deceiving.

"I bet not; this seems like an evil place. I don't think anybody is going to help them unless we do... so I think that means we should try."

Charlene tried to give Doug as fierce a glare as she could manage. "No. Now shut up."

Carlson walked up next to them. "What are you two chatting about?"

Charlene turned her fierce glare to him. "None of your business. Just take us to the surveillance room."

Their chaperone was certainly a threat if trouble broke out. It was obvious from how he carried himself and how his eyes assessed Charlene and Doug that he knew combat. He was also physically large, which was a further threat. If things happened quickly, Charlene guns were too concealed for her to be able to access them before Carlson could get off a shot. That meant she'd have to disable him hand to hand. Charlene was under no illusion that her small frame wasn't a large disadvantage in that situation, but she had practiced long and hard about using her strength to the fullest against a larger opponent's weak points.

The surveillance room consisted of a number of computers, numerous monitors, and two female technicians chatting (Pitt and Landers as said their nametags; each had a holstered handgun, but they didn't appear to be big threats). There wasn't much need of them to actually watch the monitors as computers did most of the scanning for anything unusual. When the technicians looked toward Doug and Charlene, they didn't hide their dislike. "So what is this about?" Landers said. "I see you already left a body count."

"It's a surprise security inspection," Charlene said. "Hopefully you two are doing your jobs properly and we won't have to increase that body count."

Pitt laughed. "Unlikely. Dumalt is coming by today. He never has come by without killing someone. I hope he just kills one of the prisoners this time; we can sometimes hear them from here and that gets annoying."

Landers turned pale. "Last time Dumalt was here, he ripped someone's head off."

Charlene could tell from the woman's expression that she didn't mean that figuratively. Charlene didn't know the mechanics involved in ripping someone's head off, but she did know this Dumalt character was likely someone important... and thus someone who wouldn't fall for Bryce's shtick. Time was now of the essence. "We need to run some diagnostic software."

Pitt frowned. "Nothing gets run on these machines without being vetted by us first... and that's only after we see the proper paperwork."

"But, in this case we... um..." Bryce made the BS look so easy, but it certainly wasn't Charlene's strong point. She could see that her hesitation already increased suspicion. Thus, she fell back on what she knew.

With a quick step back, she wrapped her arm around Carlson's neck, bent him over backwards, and heard a satisfying snap. At the same time, she dropped her toolbox leaving a silenced pistol in her hand which she shot the two technicians with.

Doug looked confused... which seemed to be his natural expression. "That was violent."

Charlene pulled out a disk. "I don't like chit-chat. Anyway, there is no surveillance of the surveillance room, so we're fine for now." She noticed Doug had out the stupid knife in sheath he bought and held it tight.

"Who do you think Dumalt is?" he asked.

Charlene pushed a body out of the way and put the disk in the main terminal. "I don't know, but I think we should get out of here before he arrives." She looked to Doug, and something seemed to be on his mind.

"Do you think the Emperors are something other than regular people?"

Charlene ran the program. "I know that Empress Proserpine is, since she is divine."

"Why do you think she's better than the others?"

Her father fought and died for her rule, and she always assumed he had his reasons. Charlene checked a monitor to see the program's progress. "Doug, is this discussion necessary?"

"Well... maybe. What do you know of The Great War?"

"Lots of places got nuked. Now, shut up." Charlene came from a long line of military heroes, and her grandfather had fought in The Great War. He never said much about it - no one ever said much about the war or what came before it - but he did say one thing before he died.

The wrong side won.

He was old and crazy, though.

The surveillance room gave them good access to the security system, but not complete access. If the information they were given was correct, the cameras were all being disabled and their previous recordings wiped as the program run. She wouldn't be able to disable an alarm, but she could change how the security system reacted to it including any notification being sent out and sealing off the front of the building while leaving them an alternate escape route.

Charlene looked away from the monitor to Doug who was actually being quiet... which worried her. He was carefully inspecting a console and then hit some buttons. "What did you just do?"

"I think... I think that released the prisoners."

"What!"

"Hey! You killed three people; I think I should be able to hit some buttons."

Charlene spotted surveillance of the prison and saw guards getting attacked by the dozen prisoners. One guard hit a button on the wall before getting knocked down.

An alarm now blared throughout the building.

"Idiot!" If Doug got her killed, it was going to greatly reduce her already mediocre opinion of him. She took the assault rifle off the body of Carlson. "Get your gun out, Doug; time to shoot people."

NEXT

Baens Universe Logo
Help Save Science Fiction at Jim Baen's Universe!
(NOTE: Frank J.'s hastily hacked together stories are in no way supported or condoned by Baen)

Rating: 2.4/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (8) | Hellbender
Fun With Mormons
Posted by Laurence Simon at 11:49 AM | Email This

I'm at home, a head full of snot-like-ooze.

While convalescing on my couch with Marty Roberts' podcast playing on Ziggy3, Ha'aretz on the laptop rending their garments in misery over poor innocent Hezbollah murderers and their supporters dying, and a pair of mugs on the table (orange juice/chicken soup)... a knock on the door.

Frisky freaks out, as he always does. Piper leaps from the arm of the couch and hides. (She's been doing this a lot, since the little furry psychic freaks out half a second before I sneeze) Nardo just sits there, looking stupid as usual.

I shrug, get up, and answer it.

It's Mormons, asking me if I've met Jesus Christ yet.

"Sure, I have," I said. "I killed him. But the hippie bastard came back. Wanna tell me where he is so I can try again?"

Then I shut the door. Gotta find the kitty treats to convince the cats that it's safe to lay around and do nothing out in the open again.

Read More...


Rating: 1.2/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (71)
Happy Birthday SarahK!
Posted by Frank J. at 11:37 AM | Email This

Today is the lovely and talented SarahK's birthday, so everyone give her super birthday wishes!

Do it now!

Rating: 2.1/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (27)
My Fault For Not Reading The Fine Print
Posted by Harvey at 10:59 AM | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

For some reason, I was always under the impression that the protections afforded to prisoners of war under the Geneva Convention treaty only applied to uniformed soldiers fighting for countries that signed the treaty.

Apparently you don't have to sign the treaty.

Or wear a uniform.

But who am I to question? The courts have reached deeply into this mysterious document and discovered rights for terrorists like Lance Burton yanking doves out of his ass.

I suppose the next time the question comes up, they'll find that terrorists have the right to:



* A box of sand so they won't get homesick. Used kitty litter is not an acceptable substitute.

* A supportive visit from Cindy Sheehan (non-conjugal), and a bite of her vanilla fast cream.

* A supportive visit from a goat (conjugal).

* A cell phone to vote for the "America's Got Talent" contestant of their choice and/or trigger an IED.

* A gasoline-soaked American flag and a Zippo.

* Only be forced to make license plates if they say "I H8 USA".

* A Rock hammer and a poster of Raquel Welch.

* An iPod loaded with that hideous, screechy, wailing music they like. Anything by Kenny G will do.

* Soprano sax?... Dude... that is TOTALLY gay.

* A turban, or at least a stylin' fedora.

* Weekly viewings of "Team America: World Police" so that they can hear someone speaking in their native tongue.

* Access to the Bush Administration's top secret war plans. A New York Times subscription is also acceptable.

* A Koran, a prayer mat, and a Jew to blame all their problems on.

* A replacement Jew if that one gets blown up.



I'm pretty sure that they're also entitled to a bullet in the head, and I think it's a shame our troops didn't provide that a LONG time ago.

Rating: 2.2/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (8) | Precision Guided Humor Assignments
Glenn Greenwald Has a Dumb Monkey-Face in Need of a Punching
Posted by Frank J. at 09:00 AM | Email This

I keep running into this Glenn Greenwald blog, and I can't quite tell if it's trying to be serious or satire, but it appears to be failing at both. I think his site would be greatly improved if the frontpage included a picture of Glenn Greenwald wearing a funny hat.

Discuss.

Rating: 3.2/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (25)
At Least It's Not For Testicular Cancer
Posted by Harvey at 08:24 AM | Email This

7-time Tour de France champion Lance Armstrong was recently quoted as saying about the French soccer team:

"All their players tested positive... for being arseholes."

Hold your applause...

When later asked if he regretted making the statement, he replied:

"No, I don't regret it."

NOW you can applaud.

While you're doing that, you can check this list of the top 10 other things the French have tested positive for:



10) Cowardice

9) Nazi complicity

8) Cheese

7) Snotty waiters

6) Wine

5) Whine

4) Black market Iraqi oil

3) Peculiar odors

2) The Holy Grail

And the #1 thing the French have tested positive for

1) Teenagers who are too lazy to work, but not too lazy to riot.

Rating: 2.3/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (12)
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 08:01 AM | Email This

(Introduction)



1) Who played Homer in the film, "Homer S: Portrait of an Ass Grabber"?

2) What is the name of the hockey team Bart is on?

3) In "The Springfield Connection", what kind of soup does Marge say is pretty exciting?

4) Bart says that after he dies, he wants to be reincarnated as what?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.4/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (4) | Simpsons Trivia
July 18, 2006
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 05:01 PM | Email This

How did the Prophet Mohammed (peace be upon him) die?

Read More...


Rating: 2.5/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (25) | Fun Trivia
This is CNN
Posted by Laurence Simon at 02:49 PM | Email This

So I was watching CNN's news while eating lunch today when they toss to some chick in another studio showing off their new weather center set. You know, just in case there might be a hurricane this year to interrupt the constant updates about shark attacks or missing white women or Christiane Amanpour interviewing angry Muslim Arab after angry Muslim Arab (with the occasional self-hating liberal Jew born in Israel who's too ashamed to call himself Israeli).

Anyway, she's sitting at a desk holding a large tethered remote, grinning like a madwoman and showing off about half a dozen large flat-panel monitors suspended with dual aluminum pole struts.

Oh, and a robotic pedestal camera roaming around the set like some big-eyed Dalek. Not that this robotic camera is used for the main desk shot, since that appears to be a fixed location she sits in.

Oh, and an overhead shot to show the whole set with all the monitors at a resultion where you're guaranteed not to be able to see anything.

So she shows off the remote... nothing new.
Feeds from around the world... nothing new.
A telestrator with various icons she can dot over the landscape... nothing new.
A few temperature maps... nothing new.
A monitor feeding back to the CNN anhcor set... nothing new.
NOAA projections overlaid on a Google Earth map... okay, slightly new, but they've shown this stuff before.

All in all, nothing new. And on top of that, she has to get up and walk around to show most of it off.

But then, she saves the most impressive part for last: a freestanding curved display monitor. She's got the standard temperature map up there for all to see highs for AN FRANCISCO and OS ANGELES (apparently, it would cost a few thousand more bucks for a monitor wider enough to show all of the Left Coast).

But she is pointing right at the freestanding display, and mentions that there's no chroma-key there. It's a real monitor, she can look right at the map along with us, no need to use "guide" monitors on their side of a chroma-key display. No, you can watch the back of her head and she looks for various highlights to point out to us.

(THE VOICE OF EXPERIENCE: The weatherpeople I knew would not only lay out their single-display slideshow, preferring to use the on-set displays as office equipment and not presentation platforms on-air, but they'd have the teleprompter display changed to a live feed to they could see a mirror-image of themselves as a guide if they didn't want to use the guide-monitors on either side.)

So, for all this junk in a studio in CNN's Atlanta Headquarters, the hundreds of thousands of dollars spent on equipment and design and wiring and manpower, the array of monitors she has to get up and walk around to dramatically... there's only one thing CNN achieves by doing all of this...

Read More...


Rating: 2.2/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (4)
I Can Be Either a Funny Conservative or a Serious Liberal
Posted by Frank J. at 02:04 PM | Email This

John Hawkins compares my satire editorial from yesterday to Richard Cohen's serious editorial today.

Should I sue for plagarism?

UPDATE: Come on; this could mean real plublicity. I sue Cohen from stealing from my satire to make serious liberal commentary. If don't fight this now, where will this end?

Any lawyers out there want to take this?

Rating: 1.6/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (22)
Everyone Diggs IMAO
Posted by Frank J. at 12:46 PM | Email This

Michelle Malkin mentioned that it would be a good thing to get more conservatives on Digg. I didn't read all she said since she used a lot of words, but I remember once getting a lot of traffic from Digg so I added links to vote for IMAO articles (just go register at Digg which takes like half-a-second).

Apparently Blackfive and others are also putting up links for being submitted to Del.icio.us which I'd never even heard of. How much of this crap do I have to keep track of just to get more freak'n traffic?

Rating: 2.2/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (9)
Know Thy Enemy: Hezbollah
Posted by Frank J. at 12:28 PM | Email This

For this current conflict in the Middle East, I already have KTEs for Syria and Iran. Guess that just leaves Hezbollah. So I sent my crack reasearch team to find out all they can about wacky Hezbollah and write:

FUN FACTS ABOUT HEZBOLLAH

Read More...


Rating: 2.9/5 (32 votes cast)

Comments (24) | Know Thy Enemy
Riddle of the Day
Posted by RightWingDuck at 11:39 AM | Email This

Why is our government so slow in getting stranded Americans out of Lebanon?

Read More...


Rating: 3.8/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (4)
President Bush's Top 10 Off-Mic Comments
Posted by Harvey at 11:19 AM | Email This

Like a schoolyard snitch breathlessly squealing to a teacher, CNN reported with wide, excited eyes that President Bush used "the S word" when he mistakenly thought he had a little privacy.

Oddly, he wasn't using it to describe the quality of CNN's reporting.

Meanwhile, here are the top 10 other things that President Bush has said when he thought the microphone was off:



10) "I think I may need a bathroom break. Is this possible?"

9) "Why yes, the presidential limo DOES have a hemi."

8) "Sure, I've nailed my share of interns, but at least they weren't rolling-roundies like that Stay-Puft Marshmallow Girl of Clinton's."

7) "Seriously, I've been ringside. There's nothing fake about WWE".

6) "Hey Tony, can you move your f***in' Dumbo ears out of the way so that I can get by?"

5) "'Nuc-u-lar' is TOO a word. It's in the dictionary right before 'potatoe'."

4) "My fellow Americans, I'm pleased to tell you today that I've signed legislation that will outlaw Iran forever. We begin bombing in five minutes.... OOPS! Forgot about the time difference... we began bombing five hours ago."

3) "Well, from what I understand, it's actually a soquid that you eat with a fpoon."

2) "So Laura... how 'bout we blow this joint & go home for a little game of 'heiress and the pool boy'?"

And the #1 thing that President Bush has said when he thought the microphone was off:

1) "Neither. I wear thongs."

Rating: 2.1/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (13) | Best of IMAO 2006
Zing! Bang! Pow!
Posted by Frank J. at 09:30 AM | Email This

All the superhero movies as of late got me so curious that I finally decided to do something that was a big part of many people's childhoods but not mine: read some comic books.

Now, there's no way in God's green earth that I'm going to set foot in a comic book shop, so I went to an online site to subscribe to some comic series. Now, I already get Aquaman, of course, which has been really cool since the reboot of the series a couple issues back (and also coming out pretty infrequently; don't comic makers have due-dates?). I decided I'd also get the comic series for each of the main superheroes: Superman, Batman, Spiderman Spider-Man, and X-Men.

It wasn't that easy. Do you know that there are like eight or more different series for each of the main superheroes (while Aquaman barely has one)? Do I want Uncanny X-Men or Astonishing X-Men or New X-Men or X-Men: First Class or just plain old X-Men?

I decided to go with whatever was the longest running series for each which meant Action Comics, Detective Comics, Amazing Spider-Man, and Uncanny X-Men to go with my Aquaman: Sword of Atlantis.

Well, I got my first shipment, and was actually kinda excited to read a Batman comic. SarahK is mad, though - not because I'll be spending all my time reading comics (once you take out the ads, they're like six pages each) but that I'm spending near $20 a month on these (how do kids afford them?). Plus, if I keep this up, think of the clutter? Do I throw them away? I mean, some will eventually be worth good money, but I ain't gonna wait that long.

Anyway, it was Detective Comics #821 (if they come out about once a month, how long has that series been around?) which I read in bed since here in Florida I lacked the appropriate basement to read it in. I was a bit worried with these new comics I'd be jumping in the middle of some story and have no idea what was happening (that was true when my boss at work - tired of me making fun of Aquaman - bought me an Aquaman comic from an earlier series which had about twenty million things happening in its six pages - none of which I understood). Luckily this issue of Detective Comics was a self-contained story written by a name I actually new - Paul Dini who is famous for writing for the Batman animated series. Previously, I didn't even know comic books had writers - I figured people just drew a bunch of pictures of people beating each other up and then some words were added to the slow parts. Now, it seems kinda difficult: How do you fit a whole story into such a small space? One Batman comic is basically equal to one act of the animated series. Still, there was a full story here with - true to the title - actual detective work.

Luckily, the first image when opening the comic was a car ad ("See, sweetie! This isn't just for little kids!"). The next part had Batman beating up a mugger and throwing him in front of subway car. That stopped me dead. This is Batman, no the Punisher. Then I re-read that part (well, I re-looked at the series of pictures; is there a word akin to "read" for that?) and realized that the mugger stumbled in front of the subway and the hand I thought was throwing the mugger to his death was actually trying to stop him. The drawing were so stylized, it's a bit confusing. Anyway, the very next panel was Commissioner Gordon telling Batman cavalierly that they identified the guy by his finger prints and I was like, "Hey! Commissioner! A masked character just beat up a guy that resulted in his death! Shouldn't you at least investigate that a little?" I’m no liberal judge, but you can’t just have anybody throwing people in front of subway cars without at least checking out the circumstances.

Anyway, the story centered around an unknown villain that was targeting the upper-society, so much of story was Batman staying in his Bruce Wayne persona to smoke out the thieves. It was actually pretty interesting and realistic - until the final confrontation with the perfunctory masked villain with an over-elaborate deathtrap. Oh, and Robin stopped by. I don't know which Robin; there are at least three. I know the second one was killed by the Joker, and I actually had read the comics (bought by my brother like most comics I read in my youth) where the third Robin was introduced which had to well over a decade ago. Whoever this Robin was, I didn't like him. Here is Batman being all serious and brooding, then Boy-Wonder shows up. And Batman didn't even like him and was annoyed by his intrusion. I think the Joker should kill all the Robins.

Well, I have more comics to read later; I'm pretty curious what stories they throw at Superman (how do you challenge the man who can’t be killed by anything and has the superpowers of every other superhero - except Aquaman since he can't talk to fish). I probably won't bother to bore you with the details unless anything interesting springs up (are comic books targeting our youth and adult slackers with liberal propaganda?).

Be honorable, ronin.

Hey! They should do a comic about a samurai! Anyone ever think of that?

Rating: 2.9/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (23)
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 07:39 AM | Email This

(Introduction)



1) (T/F) King Toot's is the name of the music store next to Moe's Tavern

2) Principal Skinner has a picture of what hanging opposite his desk in his office?

3) What is the name of Fat Tony's establishment?

4) Who are Fat Tony's two main henchmen?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 3.6/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (3) | Simpsons Trivia
July 17, 2006
A Story, Bit by Bit
Hellbender: Part 16 - Surprise
Posted by Frank J. at 05:15 PM | Email This

BEGINNING OF STORY

PREVIOUS (PART 15)

* * * *

Bryce didn't think this had much chance of succeeding, but he wasn't going to profane what he was trying to do by putting some sort of Vegas Odds on it. Anyway, he convinced two others (Doug didn't count) to go along with this non-plan to infiltrate an enemy base, so it must not have looked as hopeless as Bryce thought.

It wasn't that Bryce had a death wish - he very much preferred living to the alternative - it was that society already had so many risks of deaths - were it being executed by the state for some perceived crime or getting killed on some pointless military mission - that he didn't mind taking up a little more risk if it at least meant dying on his own terms for a cause he believed… that of course being 50,000 credits tax free. Thus, it wasn't confidence that propelled Bryce in this situation, but instead it was the fact that he long ago gave up caring much about his inevitable death and thought he might as well enjoy all he could out of life before someone finally succeeded in putting a bullet in his head.

"What the hell kind of operation are you running here?" The person Bryce yelled at he assumed to be in charge since he was wearing a dress uniform and was the eldest and least befuddled of the group who met them at the Vera Research Facility lobby. Also, he was followed by two armed guards. He was also a large man who looked like he could flatten Bryce with a single swipe. The challenge was keeping him more afraid of Bryce than Bryce was of him.

"And who are you?" The man - who was named Reiter if Bryce's assumptions were correct - looked to be forcibly holding back anger. That meant he felt there was at least some possibility Bryce was actually a government official.

Bryce got in his face. "You wouldn't be asking that if you followed appropriate security procedures! I got in here with hardly any security checks!" Bryce pulled a pen from his pocket. "For all you know, I could be a deranged individual and this could be a bomb about to kill us all!" It was actually more of a flash grenade; Bryce forgot where he put his regular pen.

Reiter still looked a bit suspicious. "I never got a call..."

"Because it's a surprise inspection; why are you people having trouble with that term. You need to call them to verify me. My name is Lancaster, and I'm with the Special Security Review... though they may be a little delay verify me since the security office had another name change that hasn't propagated everywhere yet."

Reiter sighed. "Again!" Bryce's scam was based on the assumption that Emperor Asmod’s people dealt with roughly the bureaucracy has he did under Empress Proserpine. So far, that seemed to be working. And, to best imitate a bureaucrat with some power, Bryce only had to act extremely pompous and arrogant... which was easy enough.

Bryce carefully straightened his tie. "I want you to personally take me and my associate Chang on a tour of all the secure areas of this facility. Please don't inform everyone in the building we are here, as this is, once again, a surprise inspection. My two technicians - whose names escape me - need to check out the computers running your alarms and surveillance."

Reiter nodded to one of his guards. "Carlson, you handle them." Carlson led Doug and Charlene down a hallway. That left Reiter with only one guard - an attractive but intimidating looking woman. Bryce suspected much of the security here were pros and not like the grunts who got them through the front. He also knew there was a decent chance he and Lulu would have to overpower Reiter and his guard at some point, though Bryce hoped to keep things at the intellectual instead of the physical. "Lancaster, I will have to call and..."

Bryce could hear Lulu scribbling in her notepad. He had instructed her to do that every so often to keep everyone on their toes. It worked, as everyone around immediately took notice. Now Bryce had to pick out something to be what she was writing about.

"Those speakers! They're white!" Bryce looked at Reiter like he had missed that painting of the Emperor was hung upside down. "They need to be warning color such as red... or maybe yellow under certain situations."

"I never knew of any regulation--"

Bryce put his finger in Reiter's face. "Did you check the regulations today? Did you see the update?"

Reiter looked ready to get angry again, but he took a deep breath. "No, not today."

Lulu wrote some more while Bryce threw his hands in the air. "I guess it didn't matter to you, then!"

Reiter was flustered, but he regained himself. "So how did you get in this base without me hearing about it?"

"I meant to bring that up; two idiots Anders and Hill drove us in without checking on us at all. Really, what kind of operation is this?"

Reiter looked to the hapless Anders and Hill who still stood by holding bags of sandwiches. "He said this stuff about treason," Anders said, "and--"

"Blair."

Reiter's guard pulled out a pistol and shot both Anders and Hill in the head. Bryce It was a somewhat bold move to try and intimidate him, but it's not like he had never had anyone executed in front of him before. He just hoped Lulu was keeping her cool but couldn't risk turning to check on her. She had seem fit enough for this work and had done a good job so far, as at least on of her lu's seemed to stand for "lunatic". As for Bryce, he had seen this coming and had secretly put in some earplugs which he now conspicuously took out. "Finally! Some positive action! I was wondering if I'd have to do that myself… as it is not my job. Can we get on with this?"

Reiter gave Bryce one last good look over before turning. "Follow me."

Bryce had no idea how long it would take until enough phone calls were made that Reiter was certain that there were no Lancaster and Chang sent to inspect his facility. He was reasonably certain Doug would be okay then since he was with Charlene who seemed to be the type of person to be able to shoot her way out of most situations. As for what Bryce would do, he decided to surprise both them and himself when the time came.

Still, he hoped Lulu was at least a decent shot.

More importantly, Charlene and Doug had better have gotten their job done by then, or they were all dead anyway.

NEXT

Baens Universe Logo
Help Save Science Fiction at Jim Baen's Universe!
(NOTE: Frank J.'s hastily hacked together stories are in no way supported or condoned by Baen)

Rating: 2.8/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (2) | Hellbender
Proportional response
Posted by Laurence Simon at 04:06 PM | Email This

Q: Reports are breaking that a Hezbollah rocket has hit an Israeli hospital in the town of Safed. Doesn't "proportional response" dictate that Israel can strike a Hezbollah-funded hospital with impunity?

Read More...


Rating: 2.5/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (11)
It's all a distraction
Posted by Laurence Simon at 03:23 PM | Email This

I've been asked countless times by the other IMAO bloggers to weigh in on the proxy war that Syria and Ian find themselves in with Iran right now.

Wait... hold on... I'll count them up right now...

Um... okay, so the number of times is zero. But I'm going to discuss it anyway.

You see, this is all one big distraction for a failed policy. The news fills up with scenes of Rafik Hariri International's fuel tanks blowing sky-high, missiles raining down on Haifa, and protests all around the world accusing Israel of the first genocide in history which has resulted in a population explosion and not a population reduction or extermination. (It's all a ploy to get them to breed themselves into a mass starvation.)

But that policy is not American. Nor is it Israel.

No, it's a shark policy. The failed policy of sharks to avoid media attention when they plot their attacks on innocent jet ski riders, fishermen, and swimmers.

No, really. When was the last time you heard the MSM geeking out over a shark attack in Florida? Weeks? Months?

This entire Arabs taking soldiers hostages and the IDF pounding the snot out of anything that makes a nasty face back situation was all just a clever ruse to distract the public from the real problem, which is shark attacks.

Did you know that over 10,000 people have died from shark attacks in the last week?

Of course you didn't. Because:

  • The media is too busy covering the war on Israel's borders.
  • There haven't been 10,000 shark attacks in the last week.

Let's just focus on that first statement, because it's the real problem here. That first statement tells a lot about the sorry state of the media these days. Throw all your resources at one story, do it to death, ratings drop because the public's bored with no front on The War Against Sharks, and they get led off to a sexier and more interesting conflict.

You'd think the gator attacks in Florida would have thrown people off, but people were still wondering when the next shark attack would happen. It's only a matter of time... people in Iowa and South Dakota sure need to worry about those shark attacks, MSNBC and CNN!

So when someone tells you that it's all just a big Zionist Conspiracy in the media, tell them the Jews don't control the media, people. It's really the sharks.

Read More...


Rating: 3.0/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (8)
Silly Sister Sarah on Amazon
Posted by Frank J. at 01:55 PM | Email This

My little sister got listed on Amazon.com before I did thanks to her first feature length movie with Costume Design credit coming out on DVD tomorrow.

Well, my name will be on Amazon.com when I get my book out; it's coming.

Stop bothering me!

Rating: 1.9/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (6)
Red Humor
Posted by Frank J. at 01:22 PM | Email This

Here's a neat essay on why Communism inspired so many jokes (as compared to other types of facism). I always have thought we need more serious analysis about humor.

(hat tip The Corner)

Anyone know of any site or book that has a good collection of Communist jokes? Oh, and if you have any favorites, put them in the comments.

Rating: 2.4/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (25)
We Could Have Peace in the Middle East If Only a Few More People Would Condemn Israel
An Editorial by Frank J.
Posted by Frank J. at 12:17 PM | Email This

 Now as Israel further continues the cycle of violence by once again responding to murder and kidnapping, peace in the Middle East seems ever more hopeless. If we ever want to have peace in the Middle East, we need even more people to do the brave thing and condemn Israel. Only that will send a clear message that violence - when committed by Jews - is wrong.

"Violence - when committed by Jews - is wrong."

 Israel has had a long history of responding to attacks on its people, and what do they have to show for it? More attacks! Israel seems to have missed an essential fact about the area in which they live: It's full of Muslims. Grass is green, the sky is blue, and Muslims live in corrupt dictatorships and murder people. That's just how things are. Does Israel really think they can solve that with violent attacks against the violent? That's madness. Israel should have known that, by their location, they were essentially agreeing to get murdered every so often; anything else is cultural ignorance. But, by joining our voices in a cry of condemnation, maybe we can wake Israel up to the fact. We'll have to shout loud for them to hear us over Hezbollah's bombs, but they have to hear us now.

 If you look at it, what other option does Israel have other than to stand there and take it when Muslims inevitably attack? Fighting back won't discourage them; Muslims love getting killed and becoming martyrs. It's like their favorite past time. Unless Israel plans to convert everyone in the Middle East to Judaism (and I know they aren't; think of all the wangs that would need cutting), they're going to get attacked no matter what they do. So why fight back? Unlike Muslims, Jews are supposed to know better about killing people. Do they really think they're going to get recognized by more countries in the Middle East by reminding them how militarily impotent all those Muslim countries are? It's foolishness, and, if only a few more of you would join me in telling Israel they are very very bad, maybe they'll finally look past their dead to reason.

 Once we condemn Israel and get them to finally stop hurting their neighbor Muslims (who are very good at hurting each other anyway), maybe they can finally work out some treaties with those who want to murder them. They can put a limit on how many Jews can be killed a month. Of course, the Muslims will probably exceed the limit, but it's the thought that counts. By negotiating with murderous Muslims on their terms, Israel would set an example for the rest of the world to follow.

 Israel is at war and surrounded by millions of people who want them dead, so what they need most right now is our criticism. Let's remind them who were the ones who decided to be Jews where they are not wanted so maybe they'll realize their folly and stop the aggression. Then we will finally have peace in the Middle East (as long as you don't count Muslim violence – but who does?).

Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us. He is also the author of such books as "A History of Violence in the Middle East: A Brief on a Wide Range of Topics from Muslims to Islam" and "Tolerating Murder: A Guide to Cultural Sensitivity".

Rating: 2.5/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (12) | Editorials
Fun Facts About Montana
Posted by Harvey at 09:12 AM | Email This

The IMAO Podcast is still on hiatus, but I have an irresistable urge to finish up the rest of the states in the Fun Facts About The 50 States series, so I'm going to forge ahead - hopefully on a weekly schedule.

Should the podcast return, this is the list from which I'll pick & choose my favorite items to record.

(continued in extended entry)

Read More...


Rating: 3.2/5 (37 votes cast)

Comments (9) | Fun Trivia
Rhymes With...
Posted by Frank J. at 08:59 AM | Email This

Question: Why is George Lackoff still around? I would assume that even the liberals were laughing at him by now, but I found this link to a Chicago Tribune article about him on the DailyKos front-page. His book Don't Think of an Elephant came out in 2004, but has reframing (giving new names to liberal crap) accomplished anything other than given Democrats some word games to play while losing elections? If it's this easy to become a liberal prophet, them maybe I should figure a way of making some money off of it. Hmm...

Rating: 2.5/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (5)
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 08:03 AM | Email This

(Introduction)



1) (T/F) In "Simpsons Bible Stories", Nelson plays the part of Goliath

2) What is Reverend Lovejoy's first name?

3) At what restaurant does Homer have a beef eating contet with Red Barclay?

4) After she gets her new Canyonero, Marge develops a serious case of what?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.9/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (5) | Simpsons Trivia
July 16, 2006
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 10:21 AM | Email This

(Introduction)



1) (T/F) Mrs. Withoutadoubt is the magical nanny who comes to take care of the Simpsons

2) Who is the Cat Burglar?

3) According to the sign at Springfield Airport, it is the birthplace of what?

4) Homer and Mr. Burns get trapped in a snowbound cabin on what mountain?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 3.3/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (4) | Simpsons Trivia
July 15, 2006
The Insta-Mailbag
Posted by Harvey at 01:13 PM | Email This

(A Filthy Lie)

Like Michelle Malkin, Glenn Reynolds gets his fair share of venomous missives from unbalanced readers.

Unlike Michelle Malkin, surprisingly few of them are crude slurs about being a woman or a minority. Most of it is revolves around a perceived dearth of Instalanching, like this typical example:

"Why won't you link me??? Why don't you answer my e-mails??? After all the cool links I've sent you, you OWE ME!!! I HATE YOU!!! You're a stink-butt poopy-head, that's what you are!!!

Your #1 Fan,
Frank J.

PS You can make it up to me by linking this cool post I did on the Semite menace."

Aside from the "where's my link?" theme, however, the rest of his mail tends to fall into one of the several categories listed below:



* Korean restaurants complaining that the last meat shipment tasted more like Labradoodle than Shih Tzu, despite what the shipping manifest said.

* Cease & Desist orders from the Precious Moments people regarding his line of "Satanic Moments" figurines - especially that "Hobo, Bloody Hobo", which is particularly nastly.

* PeTA (People Eating Tasty Animals) berating Glenn for drinking animals, which is just sick and inhumane.

* Long, obscenity-laced screeds from angry mothers who bought Glenn's adult movie "Tramp of the Penguins" by mistake.

* The American Nudist Association trying to talk Glenn into joining their "Best of Blogging" organization: "Sleeping Naked Media".

* Rejection letters from Fox saying they're STILL not interested in producing his show "So You Think You Can Robot Dance".

* University of Tennessee frat boys sending death threats for selling them fake Spanish Fly. Usually containing the line "You said these were spurious. They didn't spur her on at all!".

* E-mails addressed to "Professor Reynolds" wanting to know if he ever nailed Ginger while he was stuck on that island.

* Or Gilligan.



Of course, the most common category is requests for tips on how to punch Frank J.

Usually from Laurence Simon.

Rating: 3.1/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (8) | Filthy Lies
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 11:36 AM | Email This

(Introduction)



1) (T/F) Mrs. Orangepeel is Bart's teacher

2) Who is Lisa's teacher?

3) What was the title of the only "Adventures Of Ned Flanders" short ever aired?

4) What unusual feature do Marge's feet have?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 1.9/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (4) | Simpsons Trivia
July 14, 2006
Major fundraiser for Pizza For IDF
Posted by Laurence Simon at 03:37 PM | Email This

Eric J., one of my fellow bloggers toiling away for Meryl Yourish, is working on a centralized fundraising project for Pizza For IDF.

I'm throwing in $25 of my own money.

Read More...


Rating: 2.2/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (8)
Kofi Annan Public Statements Bingo
Posted by Laurence Simon at 03:08 PM | Email This

Hamas, Hezbollah, Israel, Lebanon... who is United Nations Security Council Chieftan Kofi Annan angry at now?

But more importantly, how is he expressing his anger?

In order to help you keep track of how Kofi Annan feels today, I've decided to put together a fun Bingo game:

Every time you hear any of these phrases in a Kofi Annan speech about the situation in Gaza or Lebanon, just mark off the square.

When you get five in a row, well, just clear the board and start all over again.

For example, let's examine this statement to reporters in Rome:

“I would like to remind the parties that under the law of armed conflict, attacks must not be directed against civilian objects,” he said. “In particular, they have an obligation to exercise precaution and to respect the proportionality principle in all military operations so as to prevent unnecessary suffering among the civilian population,” he said.

“I and leaders from around the world have been working around the clock, as have my representatives on the ground, to find a solution to the crisis, to urge restraint and prevent these situations spiralling even further out of control,” he added.

“I can only hope that the parties heed our counsel, and that regional players who have influence will do likewise. Reckless and dangerous actions will only lead to further bloodshed and instability, inflaming an already highly volatile region.

Okay, I've bolden the buzzwords that I figure are close enough to what's in the squares to qualify for chips... and... nope. Still not Bingo.

Keep up the rhetoric, Kofi!

Read More...


Rating: 2.6/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (8)
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 02:38 PM | Email This

What was President Bush's response when Lebanon urged him to pressure Israel to stop its attacks?

Read More...


Rating: 3.0/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (7) | Fun Trivia
A Story, Bit by Bit
Hellbender: Part 15 - Transportation
Posted by Frank J. at 01:19 PM | Email This

BEGINNING OF STORY

PREVIOUS (PART 14)

* * * *

"This is happening too fast."

Lulu appeared confused. "That won't work as a motto."

"You’re the one who didn't want to spend too much time planning this, Charlene," Bryce said. "Now we'll have that hard drive and be back in Proserpine territory with plenty of time for you to get back to the stupid military if that's what you want."

Charlene checked her pistol and put it back in her toolbox. "Or we'll be dead."

Lulu wagged her finger at Charlene. "That's not the spirit. See, that's why I'm leader."

Doug was even more worried than Charlene, but he kept his mouth shut. Being smuggled in the back of a truck to Asmod territory was a bit scary. They couldn't see outside to know for certain they were actually going where the shifty people they paid said they'd be taken. All the four had was one light to see by and a number of crates to lean against while the ride seemed to hit every bump in the road. Taking it for granted that they were actually going to make it into Asmod territory and that they would be able to get into the military base and the research facility without getting shot, they didn't have a way back home since their driver was going to leave as soon as they were dropped off. Bryce said not to worry, but Doug thought someone should worry about it. At least he was able to make a thermos of coffee before they left.

"Anyone want coffee to help calm down?"

"Caffeine is a stimulant; it won't calm anyone down," Charlene said.

Doug poured himself a cup. "It calms me down." He took a sip and then scratched his side; the blue maintenance uniform he was wearing was itchy.

Charlene scratched as well. "Why couldn't I wear a suit for this?"

Lulu posed in her brand new business suit. "Because you don't have an air of authority like I do."

"Your skirt is too short and you still have those stupid pigtails."

"You can be cute and still have authority, Charlene!"

"Ladies, calm down." Bryce was putting in the earpiece for their radios. "We need to keep our cool for this to work. Doug, you keep alternating between looking really confused and really scared; that's not going to do it. I need your trademark blank stare for this."

"I'll try, but how are we even going to get into the military base?"

"That's my problem. Just focus on your job. And what's your job?"

"Carry my toolbox and follow Charlene."

"And, if even the slightest thing goes wrong," Charlene said, "take out a gun and start shooting."

Lulu frowned. "You're not going to be happy today unless you get to kill someone, are you?"

Charlene smiled. "Same as any other day."

* * * *

When the truck stopped, they were unceremoniously unloaded along with a couple crates in a back alley. Bryce then led them to the city street. It was a weird feeling being in another nation, but the place looked exactly the same as any city in Proserpine territory. There even some of the same restaurant chains.

"Here we go." Bryce pointed to a military vehicle parked by a deli down the street.

When they reached the vehicle, two soldiers - a man and a woman - were coming out of the deli with bags in hand.

"You're going to give us a ride to the Vera Research Facility." Bryce flipped open his wallet and flipped it close just as quick. "We're conducting a surprise security inspection."

The soldiers did look quite surprised. "I'll have to contact the base and clear this," the man said.

Bryce frowned. "Chang, get down their names."

Lulu walked forward while writing in a notepad. She looked to the male soldier's name tag. "Anders..." Then the woman's. " Hill..."

"Make sure to note that they would actually warn of a surprise inspection... completely undermining government oversight of security procedures." Bryce glared at the two soldiers. "I will see you executed for treason before this day is over!"

"Wait!" Anders shouted. "I just wanted to follow the rules and--"

"We're from the government and we make the rules! Now take us to research facility before you impede us any further."

Hill looked to Doug and Charlene. "Who are they?"

"Our technicians," Bryce answered. "What is it of your concern? Why are you trying to learn the details of this surprise inspection? What are your intentions?"

Lulu began writing in her notepad again. Hill looked terrified. "I won't ask anymore questions! I'm sorry!"

Anders opened the door to the rear of the truck. "Why don't we just get going? We'll do whatever we can to help."

"You'll do nothing!" Bryce shouted. He led his group into the rear of the truck while Anders and Hill got in the front carry their bags from the deli.

Anders got the truck on the road. "We were just picking up lunch for everyone; please don't charge us with treason or anything."

"I guess you were acting out of ignorance of security details, but that in itself is damning." Bryce looked to Lulu. "What do you think, Chang?"

"I don't know. What did they get for us to eat?"

"Well... we didn't know you were going to be here," Hill said.

Lulu started writing in her notepad while Bryce looked ready to explode in anger. "You know at any time there could be a surprise inspection!" Bryce shouted. "I could only assume that the reason you would not have lunch for us is out of sheer contempt for the Asmod government and its officials!"

Anders almost lost control of the vehicle. "You can have my sandwich!"

"What kind is it?"

"Ham."

Bryce carefully considered it. "Fine. That will do."

Lulu grabbed Hill by the shoulder. "I’m watching my figure so I want a salad."

"You can have mine!" Hill handed over a salad in a plastic container and Anders sandwich.

During the rest of the trip, Bryce and Lulu ate the soldiers’ lunch while Doug and Charlene just sat quietly. Doug was too nervous to eat, and he assumed Charlene was just too businesslike to eat while on a mission. They soon reached the military base and found themselves surrounded by armed soldiers on all sides. The research facility was at the heart of the base. So there they were, surrounded by an enemy army, with only Bryce's quick-talking protecting them.

Doug took some consolation in the fact that the two soldiers who drove them there currently looked more scared than he felt.

They walked towards the large research facility in front of them. "So you intimidated some grunts," Charlene said to Bryce and Lulu, "Do you really think you're going to be able to fool the officials running this heavily secured building?"

Bryce smiled. "You do your job, I'll do mine, and everything will turn out just fine."

Lulu scribbled in her notepad. "Now that could be our motto!"

NEXT

Baens Universe Logo
Help Save Science Fiction at Jim Baen's Universe!
(NOTE: Frank J.'s hastily hacked together stories are in no way supported or condoned by Baen)

Rating: 2.2/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (2) | Hellbender
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 09:48 AM | Email This

(Introduction)



1) (T/F) Patty and Selma's front room corner lamp is shaped like a barn

2) What is the "Latin" slogan on Mayor Quimby's mayoral seal?

3) What car did Patty and Selma drive after high school?

4) What is Patty and Selma's apartment number?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.3/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (5) | Simpsons Trivia
Friday Catblogging
Posted by Laurence Simon at 09:36 AM | Email This

Since it's Friday, I thought I'd spread the joy of humor-free, apolitical Friday Catblogging to IMAO (aka "I-MEOW").

Sure, some of the IMAO bloggers have cats, but catblogging duties are assived by drawing straws every week and I keep drawing the short straw.

Anyway, it's time for Intrepid Nardo:

If you're not sure how this absurd scene pertains to IMAO, since IMAO is famous for that "political humor" thing, it doesn't. If you must have some semblance of politics or humor in everything you read here, just assume that Nardo is... um...

Help me out here. Make your suggestions in the comments how this scene is, in fact, a political allegory.


You can find more examples of Friday catblogging by searching a blog search engine such as Technorati for "catblogging."

You can also find a roundup of catblogging posts at The Friday Ark, located at The Modulator blog. Then, when the weekend is nearly over, head over to The Carnival of the Cats for more kitty goodness. There's also a Flikr Group called Furry Friday.

Add to that Weekend Catblogging at Eatstuff.

Anybody I miss?

Rating: 2.1/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (4) | Friday Cat-Blogging
Could You Support a Giuliani Presidency?
Posted by Frank J. at 09:13 AM | Email This

Glenn Reynolds mentions the problems that social conservatives (like me!) would have with Rudy Giuliani, but isn't he by last check also anti-gun - a position even Democrats shy away from now?

Still, when people think of Giuliani they think of a strong leader, and that's what we need right now. It's also why I like him more than McCain even though on paper I agree more with McCain on the issues.

So, what do you think?

(BTW, Glenn and Helen had a podcast interview with Senator John McCain if you haven't seen it yet)

UPDATE: When I say "strong leadership" what I mean is that, given the chance, I'm quite sure Giuliani would beat a terrorist to death with a tire iron and take great pleasure in it.

Rating: 1.8/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (36)
I've Never Met a Semite, But They Sound Like the Sort of People I Wouldn't Like
Posted by Frank J. at 08:21 AM | Email This

Everyone seems to want to support Israel right now, but I urge you all to step back and look at this objectively. When are these "attacks" happening? July. Doesn't that sound a lot like "Jew lie"? So isn't it reasonable - nay, only reasonable - to conclude that reports of attacks on Israel and kidnapping is all one big Jew lie?

Also, many Christians think we have a kinship with Jews since Jesus was a Jew. That itself is just one big July. Where was Jesus born? Jerusalem. And, knowing the rightful owners of that city, what does that make Jesus?

A Palestinian!

Rating: 1.8/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (27)
July 13, 2006
Some "Secret Agents" Are Never Happy Unless They're in the News
Posted by Frank J. at 04:03 PM | Email This

For pete's sake...

UPDATE: Jim Treacher reminds us that Joe Wilson and Valerie Plame are very private people.

Rating: 2.0/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (13)
Help Our Fighting Friends
Posted by Frank J. at 03:38 PM | Email This

I wish I could do something to help Israel, our only ally left who actually like to kill lots of bad people. If any Hezbollah come by my house, I'll shoot them dead myself. Other than that, I'm not sure what to do. Any ideas?

UPDATE: In answer to my query, I got an e-mail from Magen David Adom which surely needs donations to help save lives in Israel.

Lair mentioned this charity to send pizza to the Israel Defense Force.

I just think it's important to do something to show support, because, too often, Israel ends up looking like they're alone in the world, and that ain't right.

Rating: 2.3/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (27)
The Carnival Of Comedy is UP at The Platypus Society
Posted by spacemonkey at 02:50 PM | Email This

I want you! To pull my finger.

Check out the latest edition of the carnival of comedy.

Slackers!

There's only nine entries!

Rating: 2.0/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (3)
BREAKING NEWS: Irony
Posted by Laurence Simon at 02:31 PM | Email This

News Corp started an online safety campaign today.

Central to News Corp's campaign, announced Thursday, is a spot featuring Kiefer Sutherland, who plays Jack Bauer on the Fox action drama "24."

"On TV Jack Bauer has 24 hours to make the world safe. In real life it only takes a few minutes to do the same for our kids," Sutherland says. "To protect them you don't need the latest state-of-the-art technology. You just need a few simple tips: Don't let them run into trouble on the Internet - use common sense."

Here's a common sense safety tip for Fox News (a subsidiary of News Corp): if you're a correspondent in a war zone, wear a helmet if you're going to reveal troop positions on air.

Rating: 3.4/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (10)
A Story, Bit by Bit
Hellbender: Part 14 - Weapons
Posted by Frank J. at 02:03 PM | Email This

BEGINNING OF STORY

PREVIOUS (PART 13)

* * * *

"Service with a smile!"

Bryce stopped walking and looked to Lulu. "Huh?"

"As our motto!"

Charlene pushed Lulu forward. "Keep working on it."

Doug didn't like that idea either; we wasn't good at faking a smile. They entered the store labeled "Gus's Antiques" and found a small shop full of old furniture that hadn't aged well. After they were there only a couple seconds, the old, balding man upfront - a large, rough character who looked like a "Gus" - shouted, "Buy some antiques or get out!"

Bryce approached the shopkeep. "Actually, we're looking for some different types of... 'antiques'."

Gus furrowed his brow. "Huh?"

Bryce straightened his tie. "You know... some items you might not like to display out front."

"I don't know what the hell you're talking about, fancy-pants."

Charlene pushed Bryce aside. "We want to see your black-market goods."

Gus stared at her a moment. "What makes you think I would have such things?"

"Because this store here takes up only about ten percent of the building from the look of this place from the outside."

"Wiseacre." Gus led them to a door at the back. On the other side was a big warehouse full of more weapons than Doug had ever seen (the military never let him in the armory). Not only were there small arms, but missiles and the means to launch them as well.

Doug picked up two pistols and tried to make a fierce pose. "We can kick so much ass with this stuff!"

Bryce took the pistols away and set them back on the rack. "Learn to handle one competently."

Charlene first looked like a kid in a candy store, but she soon composed herself. "How in the world do you keep all this stuff here without getting arrested?"

Gus chuckled. "Why would I be arrested? All of this here is for entertainment purposes only. If anyone uses this stuff for murder or sedition, that's out of my control."

Lulu looked unimpressed by the selection. "Anything on sale?"

"I've slashed prices on all my intercontinental ballistic missiles." Gus pointed to a large, complex-looking missile launcher.

Bryce grimaced. "Too bad there's nothing on another continent we want destroyed."

"Not now," Lulu said, "but if it's on sale we should buy some in case we need to destroy stuff later."

Charlene set down a rifle she was inspecting. "ICBMs are useless, Lulu. All nations have defense systems that would shoot them down as soon as they were launched; that's why they're on sale."

Lulu walked up to Gus and pointed at his face threateningly. "You tried to sell me junk!"

"Caveat emptor. So what do you kids want?"

"I'll handle this." Charlene stepped forward. "Our 'entertainment' needs to be concealable. I'm thinking caseless-round pistols with three-round burst capability. We'll also want a variety of ammo: both armor piercing and rounds good on soft-tissue."

Gus smiled. "I think I can make the lady happy."

"Oh, and we'll be entertaining in Emperor Asmod's territory," Bryce added, "so, if you have documentation for Asmod officials and maybe some uniforms, that would be super-duper."

Gus pointed to the back of the store. "Uniforms are there. Documentation selection is by the printers. I can also set you up with transportation past the border if needed... and if you have the money."

"I think we can do business Mr. Gus." Lulu glared at Gus. "But don't try and sell us anymore junk or I'll rip out your spleen."

"Whatever, girly. Who are you people anyway?"

Lulu stood up straight. "Hellbender: Motto in the Works. Now do you know where a good women's clothing store is, because I need to pick out a new suit."

Gus rolled his eyes. "I'll draw you directions."

Lulu turned to Charlene. "Are you going to come?"

"Do I get to buy any clothing?"

"No. You need a maintenance jumpsuit for this mission, but I don't like shopping alone."

"Sorry, but I think it's best I stay here and pick out our weapons."

"I'll go with, Lulu." Bryce fixed his suit jacket. "I know fine clothing; I didn't steal this suit off of just any dead guy."

Lulu sighed. "Fine. I'll go with Bryce. You and Doug have fun picking out guns and we'll be back here soon."

Gus handed Lulu some directions and she and Bryce headed out. Doug liked the idea of being alone with Charlene, but she was staring at different guns with such intensity he figured he's be a pest to say anything to her. Looking around for something to do, he saw a wall of older looking weapons. It was a collection of both guns and blades from some long ago era.

Gus walked up next to him. "Anything you like?"

"You have any weapons that are... uh... sacred?"

Gus thought for a moment. "The old stuff comes 'as is'."

Doug looked at the different guns, knives, and swords, hoping something would jump out.

"Good thinking." Charlene had walked up behind Doug while he was focused on finding his weapon capable of banishing the Fallen. "The older stuff can be more reliable sometimes and good for back up."

Doug smiled at her, and turned back to the weapons rack. Then he saw it. It was a fierce looking knife with a dark blade. He carefully picked it up. "This is what I want."

Charlene looked at the knife quizzically. "I was talking about revolvers; if you want a fixed blade knife, you're better off getting something made from modern composite material."

"It is a special knife," Gus said. "It's called a Ka-Bar, and its origins are unknown. Said to have been used by great warriors of old."

Charlene laughed. "It's a relic and a waste of money."

Doug didn't want to go against Charlene, but he was pretty sure of this. "I'll buy it with my own money, then."

Charlene picked up a snub-nosed revolver and worked the action. "Whatever makes you feel safer, I guess."

Doug turned to Gus. "Ten credits, right?"

"That's the non-sacred version." Gus took the knife and put it in its leather sheath. "This one is twenty-five credits."

"I only have ten."

"Fine." Gus took Doug's credit chip and emptied it of its last remaining credits. Doug put the useless chip back in his pocket and marveled a bit at the knife he held. He put his hand around the handle, and it just felt sacred - whatever sacred meant.

Then he felt something shoved down the back of his pants. Doug froze, not sure of what to do, until Charlene told him, "Calm down; it's a revolver. That's what you should keep on you as backup."

Doug unsuccessfully tried to look at the gun in the back of his waistband.

Charlene patted him on the shoulder. "Trust me; I'm going to do my best to keep us alive. Take the knife with you if you want, but also take my weapon recommendations." She smiled at him, and he smiled back. She was quite pretty, and Doug felt it was only a matter of time until she dismissed him as too big an idiot to bother with. That wasn't his biggest concern, though. While he trusted that Charlene was going to do her best to give them a fighting chance, Doug had a feeling in his gut that what Stan had told him was true. That meant their survival came down to him and the knife he held.

"You okay, Doug?" Charlene asked. "You look terrified."

Doug put the knife in his jacket pocket. "I'll be fine; I'm a soldier, aren't I?"

Charlene shrugged her shoulders. "I guess."

NEXT

Baens Universe Logo
Help Save Science Fiction at Jim Baen's Universe!
(NOTE: Frank J.'s hastily hacked together stories are in no way supported or condoned by Baen)

Rating: 2.7/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (8) | Hellbender
Welcome back, 1975
Posted by Laurence Simon at 01:05 PM | Email This

Israel's Channel 10 is reporting Hezbollah rockets have hit Haifa, Israel.

Remember all those chicks dancing around for democracy in Beirut's central square and everyone blithering about "Democracy Hotties" as if it meant something?

Uh huh. Fat lot of good it did, girls. You missed a spot.

Nice knowin' ya.

Rating: 3.0/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (5)
Does Israel Deserve to Exist?
Posted by Frank J. at 11:24 AM | Email This

Israel is currently attacking everyone in sight for some crazy Jewish reason. How much longer until they expand their violent outburst and attack the U.S. too? They've already run over one American, Rachel Corrie, with a bulldozer, and you know they're revving their engines ready to get the rest of us.

Middle Eastern scholars have long argued that Israel should not exist and that they should all be pushed into the sea. This is a reasonable stance if you look at all the facts.

FACT: The first terrorist in history was actually a Jew. His name was Moses, and he plotted to overthrow the Egyptian government with various biological warfare attacks.

FACT: After Moses stole all the Egyptian Jews and led them to their "promised land" (which was somewhere in Europe), no Jew ever set foot in the Middle East until the 1940s.

FACT: The only interest Jews have in the Middle East is controlling the world's supply of oil and Muslims.

FACT: Jewish meddling has set Middle Eastern countries back decades in the progress they've made in destroying each other in endless war.

FACT: Any objective interpretation of history shows that the Palestinians have a rightful claim to the land Israel is on since DNA evidence proves that they licked it first.

FACT: Underwater expeditions have turned up numerous menorahs and matzah balls in the Mariana Trench, proving that the sea is the true Jewish homeland. Thus, pushing Jews into the sea is actually doing them a favor.

FACT: Despite his Aryan appearance, Aquaman is Jewish, further proving Jews belong in the sea.

FACT: Israel constantly attacks Palestinians with no provocation to get new footage for the hit reality show The World's Most Hilarious Dying Muslims. The all time favorite death was when they hit that guy in a wheelchair with a cruise missile. You can't beat that.

FACT: Israel is only attacking Lebanon because July is their sweeps month.

FACT: Israeli bulldozer are actually very poor at dozing bulls and are in fact designed only for running over dumb hippies.

FACT: Laurence Simon, token IMAO Jew and Israel supporter, is mean.

I think when you look at all the facts, you'll have to admit that Israel should not exist and all Jews should be pushed into the sea. Make sure to call your Congressman.

Rating: 2.3/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (30)
Greece wants Israel to bend over and take it
Posted by Laurence Simon at 10:12 AM | Email This

From the home country of the man who wrote the Palestinian anthem about "volcanoes of revenge" comes the latest melody of suicidal idiocy:

Greece on Thursday expressed "serious concern" over Israeli attacks in Lebanon, and urged neighboring countries to show restraint.

Government spokesman Evangelos Antonaros also urged the Hizbullah to release Israeli soldiers held hostage.

"Greece expresses its serious concern and is intensely troubled," Antonaros said.

"It is vital, to stop the (situation) worsening, Hizbullah must immediately release the soldiers taken hostage," he said. "At the same time, Greece calls on the government of Israel to avoid the use of excessive and pointless force which cannot provide a solution to the problem."

I didn't see any restraint on the part of the Greeks when they were wiping out November 17 cells before the 2004 Olympics.

But then, this is coming from a country who's Honor Guard in front of their Tomb of the Unknown Soldier wears girlier skirts than the Scottish in their kilts.

Could they be any gayer?

No, really, Greece. How do you pick these guys... catch them wearing their sisters' dresses in the barracks? Slurping down malakas milkshakes in the mess hall? Is the lack of a purse or a handbag because Louis Vuitton doesn't design ammo pouches?

Your flag may be blue and white, but it might as well be a rainbow flag from the Castro District.

Rating: 2.8/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (12)
Mean Dogs
Posted by Frank J. at 08:33 AM | Email This

I would think The Onion was copying me, but this article predates the first appearance of Chomps by a couple weeks.

Did I copy them?

Hell, I can't remember if I've seen this article before or not. Anyway, it's funny.

(hat tip to Joe foo' the Marine)

Rating: 1.0/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (2)
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 07:52 AM | Email This

(Introduction)



1) (T/F) Larry is Mr. Burns' son

2) Who sells a monorail to Springfield?

3) In "And Maggie Makes Three", Marge says which TV character sets a bad example?

4) What isn't allowed at the vacation spot Smithers goes to?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 1.9/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (2) | Simpsons Trivia
July 12, 2006
Ken Lay died for our sins?
Posted by Laurence Simon at 07:24 PM | Email This

Today in Houston, Enron’s founder and former CEO Ken Lay had a second memorial service.

But not just any memorial service, mind you. It was complete with former mayors collapsing from their defibrillators going off, former presidents and their anti-Semitic lackeys and everything.

Former Houston Mayor Bob Lanier was reported to be alert and stable at St. Luke's Episcopal Hospital after fainting at First United Methodist Church shortly before today's memorial service for Ken Lay.

Lanier collapsed in the sanctuary as the service was about to begin after his heart-monitoring device detected an irregular heartbeat and shocked his heart back into a normal rhythm.

Kenny Boy didn’t get a defibrilator installed before The Big One hit. Whoopsie!

And if that weren’t (warrrrrn't) enough, there was also the local preacher and community activist that was in Ken’s pocket for years, Reverend Bill Lawson of the Wheeler Avenue Baptist Church, removed just in time to prevent from being cremated along with the old crook...

The Rev. Bill Lawson, pastor of Wheeler Avenue Baptist Church, likened Lay to James Byrd, an African-American man who was dragged to death in a racially motivated murder near Jasper eight years ago.

"Ken Lay was neither black nor poor as James Byrd was," Lawson said. "But I'm angry because he was the victim of a lynching."

Whaaaaaaaat?

The man died from a heart attack. Nobody tied him to the back of a truck and dragged him across Hell's Half Acre.

But that's not enough for Lawson...

Lawson, who also spoke at Lay's Colorado memorial service, likened the businessman to President John F. Kennedy, Martin Luther King Jr., and Jesus — all of whom, the minister said, were wrongly victimized.

Kennedy? When did Lay screw Marilyn Monroe?

Martin Luther King Jr? Jesse Jackson didn't claim to hear Ken Lay's dying words.

Wait... hold on... Ken Lay as Jesus?

"The folks who don't like him have had their say. I'd like to have mine ... (Like Jesus Christ) he was crucified by a government that mistreated him."

Oh come on now. Are you nuts?

The man wasn't anything like Jesus...

Jesus Christ: Preached the truth to the faithful.
Ken Lay: Lied about Enron's viability to employees the bitter end.

Jesus Christ: Right hand man was Peter, who stuck by him to the bitter end.
Ken Lay: Right hand man was Jeffrey Skilling, who bolted at first opportunity.

Jesus Christ: Faced his accusers.
Ken Lay: Had his attorneys file motion after motion, avoided trial for years.

Jesus Christ: Had a full head of luxurious, thick hair.
Ken Lay: Bald as a baboon's ass.

Jesus Christ: Supposedly betrayed by Judas, but the Gnostics say they planned it all.
Ken Lay: Betrayed by Arthur Andersen accountaints and Andrew Fastow trying to save their own asses.

Jesus Christ: Killed by the Jews... I mean... um... Roman soldiers.
Ken Lay: Killed by a heart attack.

Jesus Christ: "Why hast thou forsaken me?"
Ken Lay: "Gaaaaaack... Linda.... my.... pills...."

Jesus Christ: Shoved behind a rock, came back after three days.
Ken Lay: Cremated, we're still waiting.

See? Not like Jesus.

Rating: 2.6/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (10)
A Story, Bit by Bit
Hellbender: Part 13 - Planning
Posted by Frank J. at 05:07 PM | Email This

BEGINNING OF STORY

PREVIOUS (PART 12)

* * * *

Doug awoke to a sharp slap to his face. "Wake up! What are you, drugged?"

Standing above him was the beautiful but perturbed Charlene. It took a moment for Doug to get his bearings and remember where he was. He made a motion to get up, fell off the sofa to the ground, and then successfully got to his feet. "So was I lying here all night?"

Charlene shrugged. "I don't know; I wasn't watching you all night. Do you sleepwalk or something?"

Doug considered how to explain his concern and settled on the easy out. "Never mind."

Somehow, the abandoned office building looked even drearier now that he could see it better in the sunlight. Amongst the broken desks sat Bryce and Lulu looking over plans for the upcoming mission. "Do we know what we're doing yet?" Doug asked.

Lulu frowned. "It's still being debated."

Bryce glared at Charlene. "One of us doesn't seem to be happy with any plan that doesn't involve killing everyone within a five mile radius of the research building."

Charlene took a seat at the table. "It's a matter of time. We can plan an implement a night time raid and be back in time for our regular military duty. It will require killing all the guards in the building, but why should that be a problem?" She turned to Lulu. "Anyway, if we're gone more than a couple days, we'll be listed as AWOL, Lulu, and then there will be no going back when you realize how idiotic this is."

Bryce laughed. "Like there is anything more idiotic than walking back into the meat grinder that is the Proserpine military when you have another option. That's why I trashed my place: the government will find it easier to declare me dead than expend any resources trying to figure out what happened."

Lulu looked unsure. "I would like to keep my options open. Maybe I can fake my death later."

Bryce leaned back in his chair. "Well, when you two girls want, just tell me what kind of deaths you girls want and I know some people who can fake it for you."

Doug took a chair between Bryce and Charlene. "Can I have a cool death?"

"You don't need one, Doug. Remember what it says on the front of your official file?"

Doug thought for a moment. "'Burden to Society.'"

Bryce nodded. "You disappear, people would actually get in trouble for wasting time asking questions about it." He turned to Lulu. "So, do you want a bloodbath, or do you want to do this smart?"

Lulu looked at Bryce and then Charlene. "Is there anyway we could do some sort of compromise on these ideas?"

Doug decided it was his time to contribute. "Instead of killing everyone, maybe we could just kill half the people there." A better idea then struck Doug. "Or we could half-kill all the people!"

The three others stared at Doug for a moment and then turned back to each other. "I think we can just walk in there during the day, take the hard drive, and walk out before anyone is the wiser," Bryce said. "We don't need to over plan it; we all know how bureaucracy works in all the nations these days, and there's plenty there to exploit. All we need is a little cunning and a little acting skill."

Lulu smiled. "I always wanted to be an actress. This could be fun!"

Charlene scowled. "And if it doesn't work out as planned?"

"Then we'll do your 'kill everybody' plan," Lulu said. "We'll call it 'Plan S' for Charlene."

"My name starts with a 'C'."

Lulu rolled her eyes. "But it makes an 's' sound, so I'm calling it 'Plan S' so it's less confusing. Now that we know how we're attacking this mission, I think what we really need is a motto for our mercenary group. Something catchy so people will remember Hellbender for all their hired guns needs."

Charlene scanned a digital layout of a floor of the research building which looked to have guard locations. "Lulu, we don't need to waste time coming up with a stupid motto."

"I say we need a motto and I'm the leader!" Lulu pounded the table with her fist.

"Fine. How about 'Death Before Dishonor'?"

Lulu thought about it. "I don't like having 'death' in it; too morbid."

"'Stays Crunchy in Milk'," Bryce suggested.

Lulu did not look the least bit amused. "Am I the only one taking the mercenary group seriously?"

"I'd try and come up with a motto," Doug said, "but I only know how to come up with slogans."

"Great. I guess I'll come up with a motto." Lulu wrote on notepad. "Who wants to design our logo?"

Charlene sighed. "I really think we should devote our time to planning and not getting killed, Lulu."

The two women began to bicker, and Doug decided it was a good time to try and talk privately to Bryce. He got up, tapped Bryce on the shoulder, and led Bryce away from the table. "I saw Stan again last night! He said we're going to run into the Fallen on this mission, and I need to find a sacred weapon to fight them with or we'll all die!"

Bryce quietly stared at Doug for a couple seconds before he finally said, "Everyone these days seems to have to go at least a little insane to cope with this world, but what I always liked about you is you just compensated by being dull-witted." Bryce put his hand on Doug's shoulder. "Please don't go insane, Dougie."

"But I can't help it!"

"What's going on over there?" Charlene called out.

Bryce headed back to the table. "Doug's completely insane. He was just telling me he thinks your both pretty and sweet, Charlene, which I find incomprehensible."

"I can be sweet, you little rat!" Charlene shouted at Bryce. She then looked to Doug who was blushing bright red. "It's nice of you to say that, but I can’t have relations with anyone I'm working with professionally."

"Does anyone think I'm pretty and sweet?" Lulu asked hopefully.

Bryce took her hand. "I do."

Lulu pulled her hand away. "Yeah... but I'm starting to think you're creepy. Maybe you should stick to hitting on hired goons."

Bryce wasn't able to hide he was a bit hurt by the slight. "Anyway, we're going to need some supplies to get past the Asmod border and into the base. Luckily, I know where a black market is and we have our five thousand credits to spend."

Lulu shot to her feet. "Shopping is part of this job! Being a mercenary is soooo much better than being in the military!"

"It's not like we're going to be buying handbags," Charlene said.

"Well, we'll see what's on sale." Lulu raced to the exit. "Come on!"

NEXT

Baens Universe Logo
Help Save Science Fiction at Jim Baen's Universe!
(NOTE: Frank J.'s hastily hacked together stories are in no way supported or condoned by Baen)

Rating: 2.9/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (4) | Hellbender
The Continuing Madness of Kim Jong Il
Posted by Harvey at 03:29 PM | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

So last week, North Korea launched some missiles, called the tests "a success" when one of the missile crashed into the sea after 42 seconds, declared that they have a right to ICBM's, and demanded one-on-one negotiations with the US.

Throwing things, lying, whining, crying... this isn't a nation, it's a tantruming toddler.

And like a toddler, North Korea and it's freakishly coiffed Grand Poobah of the Sacred Monkey Lodge (or whatever the hell his title is) will probably indulge in other bizarre behaviors designed to get attention. I speculate thusly on what Kim Jong Il might do:



Order pictures of a bikini-clad Helen Thomas to be painted on the noses of all North Korean fighter jets.

Change the country's name to "North Koran" to get more foreign aid from Muslim countries.

Accidentally drop his glasses in the toilet, then declare it to be a successful test of North Korea's "waterproof spectacle" technology.

Order airbags installed on all North Korean citizens to protect them from falling rocket chunks.

Tout Communism's documented success as a weight-loss plan. Move over Atkins!

Start doing press conferences in his bathrobe, which will keep "accidentally" falling open.

Actually read the Pajamas Media blog on a day when he hasn't been linked by it.

Call psychic hotlines and demand one-on-one negotiations with Miss Cleo.

Grow a matching poofy Hitler moustache.

Blame widespread starvation on an Internet Explorer security flaw.

Attempt to re-start production of the Edsel.

Attend official state military parades wearing a Hawaiian shirt, Bermuda shorts, black socks, and sandals.

Start answering the phone with "Ahoy-hoy?".

Teach the North Korean negotiating team the Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique.

Order his army into South Korea. When South Korea complains, he'll look surprised, smack his forehead, and say "I knew I should've had them take that left turn at Albuquerque!".

Shoot Superman in the eye just to watch the bullet bounce.

Call President Bush "an iron-willed, straight-shooting cowboy who doesn't take crap from anyone" in a tone of voice suggesting that it was an insult, then giggle when Bush looks confused.

Break wind, then say loudly, "I AM FARTICUS!".

Only appear in public wearing a coonskin cap.

Wait... I'm sorry, that's actually his hair. Nevermind.

Claim that he can't help his war-like ways, because he was orphaned as a baby and raised by wild landmines in the DMZ.



If we're REALLY lucky, he might hire Bill Keller as his head of national security, but that's probably just wishful thinking on my part.

Rating: 2.3/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (10) | Precision Guided Humor Assignments
In My World: Rumsfeld Arrives in Afghanistan; 30 Taliban Killed
Posted by Frank J. at 12:52 PM | Email This

Based on a true story.

"It's good to talk to the troops here in Afghanistan," Rumsfeld said. "We can all feel good knowing that we accomplished our mission and killed all the Taliban."

"But the Taliban aren't all dead!" shouted a Marine in the audience.

"What!? Rarr!" Rumsfeld smashed the podium in front of him in rage. "Then what am I doing here just talking?" Rumsfeld pulled out dual .45s. "Time to kill some Taliban! I'll need someone to come with me and count my kills." He looked towards one Marine. "You! What's your name?"

"Buck."

"Buck who?"

"Buck... the Marine!"

* * * *

"Hey, Omar, I don't think this whole 'Taliban' thing has worked out as well as we thought it would."

"Why do you say that, Ahmed?"

"Well, it started out fun with us beating people to death who didn't have long enough beards and blowing up giant Buddha statues--"

"And don't forget oppressing women!"

"Of course, Omar - everyone loves that. Anyway, it was fun starting out, but now we're hunted and killed like dogs… and these beards are really itching."

"I would not worry, Ahmed; I can feel a benevolent presence watching us as we speak."

* * * *

Rumsfeld spied on the Taliban with binoculars. "There they are. Time to make them all dead. How many do you think there are?"

Buck shrugged his shoulders. "I dunno. Maybe thirty."

"We need to flush them our way so we can show them their entrails before they die."

Buck checked the magazine on his M-16. "That is an educational death. You'd be surprised how many people have never seen what real entrails looks like before a Marine guts them. So how do we flush them out?"

"It's being taken care of."

* * * *

"So what should we do now, Omar?"

"I dunno, Ahmed. We could get a copy of the New York Times and see what the American military is up to."

"But I hate that fish-wrap! I'd rather covert to Judaism than read Krugman or Dowd."

"Then let's consult Chomps, the world's angriest Taliban, on what to do. Hey, Chomps, what should be our next attack?"

Chomps just growled.

"You know, Omar, Chomps kinda looks like an angry rottweiler."

Omar nodded. "A very angry rottweiler."

* * * *

As Chomps chased the Taliban, Buck and Rumsfeld gunned them down. It was over in minutes.

Buck surveyed all the dead Taliban as he reloaded his rifle. "I never get tired of shooting the Taliban. They yell funny things and they fall down dead. If I had a camera, I bet it could win one of those funny video contests."

Rumsfeld holstered his pistols and pet Chomps on the head. "I certainly like killing people better than giving speeches. Now I'm off to Baghdad. The troops deployed there better not tell me they've failed to kill all the Iraqis."

"But the mission never was to kill the Iraqis."

"What!? Rarr!"

Rating: 2.8/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (13) | In My World
Since Glenn Greenwald Asked...
Posted by Frank J. at 11:14 AM | Email This

Glenn Greenwald is wondering why right-wing blogs aren't condemning Misha for calling for the deaths of five Supreme Court Justices. I don't know much about Glenn Greenwald than that his posts tend to be long and hysterical, but I'll still step up to the challenge.

Misha is a bad bad man. It is wrong to call for deaths of Supreme Court Justices. Don't tell me you were just using "hyperbole" because I don't like that word since it looks like it should be pronounced HIPE-ER-BOWL, but it's not. Killing is wrong, and, if you don't like Supreme Court Justices, you should just wait to vote them out of office the next time they hold Supreme Court Elections.

Bad bad bad Misha. As soon as I get a blogroll up, I'm delinking you.

Hey, Greenwald said that we should have to condemn Misha since his blog is 42nd on the TTLB Ecosystem and Michelle Malkin and Captain's Quarters has a link to him, but I'm currently ranked 20th and also linked to by Michelle Malkin and Captain's Quarters. Why isn't there ever a call to condemn me? Haven't I said anything controversial enough? I mean, I recently called for the death of Kofi Annan. What am I doing wrong?

I guess I'll just have to try harder.

Know who I hate?

Black people.

Yep. I hates me my black people. Any lefties out there better call on all the right-leaning blogs to condemn me. You can't let me get away with this!

UPDATE: Glenn is right (not the Glenn with the long, hysterical posts but the one with short, glib posts): not only am I a highly linked blogger, but the current administration consults my writing for important policy decisions. It would be irresponsible for the left-leaning blogs not to call for my condemnation.

UPDATE 2: Know what I like best about President Bush? That he's so much like Hitler!

UPDATE 3: I don't know if anyone cares, but I also hate the Swedes.

Rating: 2.3/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (40)
My Dog Is More Obedient Than Your Dog
Posted by Frank J. at 10:11 AM | Email This

For your morning viewing pleasure, here are pictures of Rowdi balancing a large dog biscuit on her nose, patiently waiting for the "Free!" command while the lovely and talented SarahK took her picture. There's also a description of when Rowdi accidentally mistook something for the "Free!" command, flipped the dog biscuit in her mouth, and then realized her mistake and stood there not chewing the biscuit.

Good puppy.

Since SarahK will yell at me if I don't give them equal time, here are pictures of the dumb stupid cats being dumb and stupid.

And smelling.

Rating: 2.4/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (12)
Where's My Sign?
Posted by Harvey at 09:14 AM | Email This

It's always struck me as markedly unfair that smelly hippies have a peace sign, yet fans of mindless violence like myself have no war sign.

Unless we DO have one and no one told me. I've missed a few of the meetings.

Any suggestions for a good war sign?

Rating: 2.4/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (18)
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 08:19 AM | Email This

(Introduction)



1) (T/F) The Puma is the Springfield Elementary mascot

2) In "Lisa the Greek", what perfume is in a bottle shaped like The Oscar?

3) In "Bart the Lover", what were the names of the two fish Bart killed?

4) What song displaces "We're Sending Our Love Down the Well" from the #1 spot?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 3.4/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (3) | Simpsons Trivia
July 11, 2006
A few minutes with the fossil we call Andy Rooney
Posted by Laurence Simon at 07:30 PM | Email This

The other night, I made the mistake of flipping through the channels before the St. Louis Cardinals let Brad Lidge humiliate the Houston Astros himself, and I stumbled across the local CBS affiliate and the nightly broadcast of 60 Minutes.

I half-sorta listened to the Andy Rooney piece while doing some kind of kitchen or cooking chore. It had something to do with too many people in America (I'd agree in Andy Rooney's case) and his solution for it.

Since he didn't say the words Final Solution or Fourth Reich I figured I didn't have to pry the gold fillings from my teeth and conceal them in an acid solution before fleeing the country.

A few minutes later, my podcatching software grabbed the audio track of his piece. So, I had it available for my morning commute to work.

You know. When I wanted to listen to it.

Not while eating..
Not while in the bathroom taking a dump.
Not while I'm trying to clean the litterboxes.

Nope, Andy. My choice is to listen while I'm on my way to work.

Since I'm a lazy typist, I stumbled to CBS's website and grabbed the text from his piece...

(A word of warning: Do not click on the "Next Image" link. What you'll see is the hideous mutant offspring that Andy has somehow cloned up in his workshop by combining his DNA with that of one of his beloved departed bulldogs.)

Television shows would be available when viewers wanted them, not when the networks felt like showing them.

Well, that's amazing. A man from the Golden Age Of Television recognizes that the tyranny of the programming schedule imposed upon the public by the broadcast MSM is a miserable failure and a dismal, decaying business model.

Bully for Andy! Thank you from freeing us, O Harriet Tubman Of Television! Forty Channels and a mule for everyone!

But, this being Andy Rooney, he has to remind us that as a fossil from the Golden Age Of Television, that he's utterly out of touch with the current technologies or, sadly, logic itself:

For example, 60 Minutes might be broadcast Sunday at 6 a.m., 3 p.m. and midnight.

Okay, so I'm a little confused here. Andy says that viewers could watch the shows when they wanted to watch them, not when the networks felt like showing them, and then presents a "Flying Car/World Of Tomorrow" scenario where... the television networks feel like showing them at three different times instead of one.

Ah, yes. Thank you, Andy Rooney, for overthrowing the tyranny of the television network schedule and presenting us with a dream of the technologies and freedoms of tomorrow where carefree former slave-drone viewers now have the expanded choice of three different times instead of one.

You know, because that's when they want to watch them.

Besides being famous for being an anti-Semitic prick, Henry Ford was famous for his Model T car, which when challenged that it didn't give much choice in features or colors (ie. no choice at all), he'd say People have a choice of color as long as it's black."

Thank you, Andy Rooney, for offering to cast aside the dreary days of the tyranny of the broadcasting schedule and shackle us with a slightly looser chain to it. Thank you for suggesting we do away with one shade of black and replace it with three.

As for the parting offer at the end of your piece:

If you disagree with this idea, write me a letter but save yourself some money and don't mail it.

When I last checked, Andy, sending an e-mail was free.

(Ask your grandchildren what that is if you've never heard of it, Andy)

Rating: 3.5/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (7)
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 04:16 PM | Email This

Know who sucks?

Read More...


Rating: 3.0/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (19) | Fun Trivia
When you need a name for a big hole...
Posted by Laurence Simon at 03:11 PM | Email This

Q: How will officials respond to the disaster in Boston's "Big Dig" tunnel which recently killed a woman in her car?

Read More...


Rating: 2.7/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (11)
Last Weeks Carnival of Comedy is UP!
Posted by spacemonkey at 02:36 PM | Email This

Steve (the late carnival of comedy hosting Pirate) has (finally) posted the carnival.

He's calling it Snakes on a Carnival of Comedy

He gave some sort of excuse too.

Update: I am the king of spelln

Update2: I should like post the future hosts of the carnival since the current host hasn't been assigned.
July 13th The Platypus Society - He's a egglaying mammal!
July 20th Miriams Ideas - She doesn't do fancy graphics!
July 27th The Kag Report - Striving for average got too tough for him!
Aug 3rd Progressive Islam - He says he's a funny muslim!
Aug 10th The Blue Square - He's sad and his 4 sides all measure the same!

Rating: 3.1/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (3) | Why Me Laugh?
Castro Dead!
Posted by Frank J. at 02:33 PM | Email This

I read that Jonah Goldberg heard from someone who heard from someone else that Fidel Castro is dead. That's good enough for me!

Hooray!

Rating: 1.9/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (16)
You Don't Know Joe!
Posted by Frank J. at 01:42 PM | Email This

Why is poor Joe Lieberman getting so much grief? Well, in the interests of keeping the Democratic Party from being completely overrun with nuts, IMAO is going to do the unprecedented and try and help a Democrat.

I think some of the problem people may have with Joe Lieberman is they just don't know how kick-ass he is. So, I present:

TOP TEN THINGS YOU PROBABLY DON'T KNOW ABOUT JOE LIEBERMAN

10. When angered, he can rip a Buick in two.

9. If Al Gore was elected in 2000, he planned to then beat Gore to death with a hammer and assume presidency within minutes of Gore's inauguration.

8. He once broke a filibuster with a roundhouse kick to the face.

7. He's not a Christian, but instead is the member of a religion even more ancient.

6. On three occassion he has bitch-slapped Senator Hillary Clinton for being too uppity.

5. If he's gathered enough Joe-mentum, not even a nuclear blast can stop him.

4. At night, he assumes the identity of "Samurai Jew" and kills drugdealers with a ceremonial Jewish katana.

3. He once ate ten Big Macs in a single sitting. Serious!

2. The movie character "Shaft" is based on him.

And the number one thing you probably don't know about Joe Lieberman...

Read More...


Rating: 2.6/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (9)
Hey! That Stopped Clock Is Right!
Posted by Harvey at 12:41 PM | Email This

Remember those 500 chemical weapons that we've found in Iraq since 2003?

It just occurred to me... the anti-war nuts were right.

Inspections DO work if you give them enough time.

Rating: 2.4/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (6)
That's Our Secretary of War
Posted by Frank J. at 10:33 AM | Email This

Just check out this headline. Good 'ole Rummy.

(hat tip: my brother, Joe foo' the Marine)

Rating: 2.8/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (13)
A Story, Bit by Bit
Hellbender: Part 12 - Pawns
Posted by Frank J. at 09:52 AM | Email This

BEGINNING OF STORY

PREVIOUS (PART 11)

* * * *

"Do I have to be hung upside down like this?"

Stan smiled. "Just trying to keep things familiar." He shoved Doug and sent him spinning.

Again, Doug could only see darkness around him. He had hoped that it was just a dream the previous night, but it all felt quite real now that it was occurring again. "You didn't do anything to my friends when you took me, did you?"

Stan grabbed Doug and steadied him. "That's what I like about you, Doug. Last time, I warned you to keep yourself safe, but you still charged out into danger in the defense of others. It's that spirit I'm counting on for you to succeed. To cut to the chase, you will encounter the Fallen in the mission you will be doing with your friends, and thus soon will come your time to show your worth."

"How do you know that? Can you see the future?"

Stan smirked. It seemed like there was some joke that Doug was unaware of. "I can, to some degree. I am God."

Stan had neatly trimmed facial hair, but he still didn't seem like a god to Doug. "So you created the world and everything?"

"No... that was the previous Supreme Ruler." He smiled again, and it kinda creeped out Doug. "I like to think I gave this world its character, though."

A woman laughed at that, and Doug could see the same woman as before standing behind Stan smoking a cigarette. Doug motioned towards her with his chin. "If you’re like the one true God, who is she?"

"The Queen Bitch Goddess." She blew out a long puff of smoke.

Stan moved so as to block the view of Ms. Bee. "Ignore her. You have an important mission, Doug, and I want to make sure you understand it."

"Well, understanding things is not one of my strong points... especially while upside down and dizzy. I think you have the wrong person for this."

Stan tapped Doug on the shoulder, sending him spinning around. "You have to have more faith in yourself, Doug. Anyway, if you can't succeed in defeating one of the fallen, you and your friends are going to die."

That sense of responsibility had a crushing weight on Doug. He really hoped this was all a dream, but he was not so certain. "But what do I do! How do I send these Fallen people back to their prison? Like, what did that Jesus guy do?"

"He died," Ms. Bee said with a slight chuckle.

Stan steadied Doug again. "Jesus was a special case; don't worry about him. You're going to have to find your own way to defeat the Fallen. The bodies the Fallen appear to have in this world are merely shells; the Fallen are linked to their prison still, and, if you can shatter the shell, back they go. The problem, of course, is those shells are not vulnerable to normal weapons, so I need you to obtain a sacred weapon."

"Sacred?"

"That just means 'really really special'. I can't tell you exactly where to get one, but you'll know it when you see it."

Doug never knew much... even when he saw it. This Stan guy seemed to have a lot more faith in him than seemed reasonable. "I just don't get this! What am I supposed to accomplish? Are you going to make me fight all the Fallen?"

"No, just a few to put fear back in them, then I'll do the rest. The Fallen think they now own this world and are invulnerable, and we will pierce that ignorance. Then, do you know humanity will gain?"

Doug thought about that. "No, but you'll stop hanging me from the ceiling, right?"

"They will gain freedom, Doug. Throughout its existence, humanity has been nothing but pawns in a battle beyond their comprehension. You've played Chess and know what a pawn is, right?"

"Yeah, those were those stupid pieces that couldn't attack in front of them."

Ms. Bee laughed. "I'm guessing you didn't win those games."

Doug tried to swing past Stan to face Ms. Bee. "I could have won if those stupid pawns could attack in front of them!"

Stan pulled Doug towards him. "We're getting off topic. When one says 'pawn', they refer to a piece of limited value that is often sacrificed for the benefit of a long term strategy. You humans have lived and died for our battles. First, you were pawns in the fight between us and the previous God, and now you are pawns in a battle between the Fallen for control of this world. We can't harm each other, so that's why we use you. With your help, these battles will end, and, for the first time in history, humanity will have its freedom. So, will you help, Doug?"

Doug still didn't see what he could do, but it did sound like he had to do something. "I'll try my best."

"And that is all I ask." Stan let Doug go. "We're about done here. Remember: you need to find a weapon appropriate for this battle. Also, as some extra help, when you break into the lab as part of your mission with your friends, look for a project labeled GX-7 and take that for yourself."

"GX-7," Doug repeated, once out loud and a number of times in his head. "Wait... how do I tell who the Fallen are again?"

Stan started to smile, but then stopped. "Believe me: you’ll know."

Doug was back to really hoping this was a dream.

"I know you're scared, Doug, but, remember: you must succeed or all of you will die."

Doug frowned. "That doesn't help me not be scared."

Stan shrugged. "Goodbye, Doug. Good luck."

As Doug's vision started to fade, he heard Ms. Bee say, "Remember to attack along the diagonals, nitwit."

NEXT

Baens Universe Logo
Help Save Science Fiction at Jim Baen's Universe!
(NOTE: Frank J.'s hastily hacked together stories are in no way supported or condoned by Baen)

Rating: 2.4/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (4) | Hellbender
The Assault on Lieberman
Posted by Frank J. at 08:43 AM | Email This

As we all know, the liberal netroots in the blogosphere, tired of failing to defeat Republicans, are now eating their own. Right now, they've turned on Joe Lieberman in an attempt to purge the Democratic Party of Jews. Just witness this recent posting on the DailyKos:

JOOOOOOOOOOOS!!!
by kos

Today, at the bank, I had to wait twenty minutes to make a deposit.

TWENTY MINUTES!!!

This is obviously a strike against me for opposing Joe Lieberman since, as we all know, THE JOOOOS CONTROL THE BANKS!

And when I went to IHOP this morning, I asked for an English muffin with my meal, but they brought me a bagel! Needless to say, I took a dump on their sidewalk. I urge all other progressives to do the same.

I'M NOT CRAZY!!!

I talked with IMAO's token Jew, Laurence Simon, and he confirmed that, at his secret Jew meeting, the topic was how to get Kos. Can Kos succeed with Jew conspiracies out to get him? Maybe, as, to help himself, he's joined up with Hamas. Here's the statement from their spokesman:

"We are happy to join up with Kos to defeat Joe Lieberman... who is a joooo! Kos brings with him much youthful energy, though we remind him to stay away from our explosives before he hurts himself and others. Only certified suicide bombers who've passed a weekend course are allowed to use our explosives to hurt themselves and others."

More news as it occurs...

Rating: 2.9/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (5)
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 08:06 AM | Email This

(Introduction)



1) What kind of footwear does Grampa usually sport?

2) What hangs on the wall directly to the right of the refrigerator in the Simpson's kitchen?

3) Who helps Troy McClure in many of his educational films?

4) Charlie, who works at the power plant, has a sister with what sort of handicap?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 3.2/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (5) | Simpsons Trivia
Howdy!
Posted by Frank J. at 08:04 AM | Email This

Jail was often his home
They'd let him raise the flag and lower it
like you'd throw a dog a bone!

I'm back! Now I just got to figure something to blog about. If I go a couple of days without watching the news or reading blogs, I feel pretty lost.

Since I now have a PocketPC with a playlist on it, I thought I'd take a cue from my lovely and talented SarahK and put up some lyrics and let you guess at the song.

Now to scour the news...

Rating: 3.0/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (3)
July 10, 2006
Flu
Posted by Frank J. at 03:50 PM | Email This

I'm sick with the flu today, so I'll blog later.

I heard something about a "World Cup"; what in the world is that?

Rating: 3.5/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (23)
Celebrating the 4 years of Frank J - ness!!
Posted by RightWingDuck at 01:08 PM | Email This

I'm sorry to have missed all of the celebrating this weekend for Frank J's Four Years of Blogging. As someone who personally knows Frank J. I wanted to share some insights and observations of this amazing young man.

RWD's Observations about Frank J.

Frank J is more than just a blog boss – he’s my token white friend.

*

SarahK once wrote to me asking for advice on her potential marriage to Frank J. I gave her the best advice I could. She married him anyway.

*

Frank once tried out for a professional basketball team. He almost made the starting squad – until they discovered he was male.

*

I have top secret pictures of Mr. IMAO himself wearing …. An Aquaman Halloween costume.

*

At least I hope it’s a Halloween costume.

*

Mr. J came up with the idea of S.M.I.T.E. after getting hopelessly drunk on Juicy Juice.

*

His wife won’t let him drink, so he had it coagulating by the radiator.

*

The Puppy Blender in retaliation for his Puppy Blender nickname – gave Frank J a nickname that failed to stick.
J Frank.

*

That’s why the Puppy Blender doesn’t write humor.

*

Indeed.

*

Frank LOVES the world cup games. Inspired by the most recent games, he’s always running towards stuff and then tripping at the last possible second.

*

Little Known Fact: Some people call him Frank Pay-Lay.

*

The name is not a reference to his love for soccer. It refers to his bachelor days.

*

Frank is insanely obsessed with conservative cute Michelle Malkin. Which is silly, because Michelle likes ME best.

(HARVEY INTERRUPTS):

Harvey: No she likes ME best..

Spacemonkey: No – She likes ME!!!

Whatever.

*

In lieu of paying his writers, Frank J. gave them the most valuable gift of all – WorldVision Sponsorship. Laurence Simon is hoping that one day soon – he too will be adopted.

*

For just $1 a day, you can sponsor an IMAO humor writer.

*

Congratulations to Frank J. for 4 years of humor writing.

Whenever I think of the humor of IMAO I remember the words of my beloved grandmother when she saw me reading MAD magazine. “What are you reading that *@#* for? Don’t you have anything better to do?”

Thanks to the IMAO readers for never having anything better to do.

Congratulations J. Frank.


Rating: 3.0/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (10)
Fun Facts About Missouri
Posted by Harvey at 10:13 AM | Email This

The IMAO Podcast is still on hiatus, but I have an irresistable urge to finish up the rest of the states in the Fun Facts About The 50 States series, so I'm going to forge ahead - hopefully on a weekly schedule.

Should the podcast return, this is the list from which I'll pick & choose my favorite items to record.

(continued in extended entry)

Read More...


Rating: 2.9/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (12) | Fun Trivia
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 08:11 AM | Email This

(Introduction)



1) (T/F) Moe calls a garage a "car hole"

2) Because he's late for school on the day P.E. classes are picked, what class does Bart have to take?

3) What is the title of Apu's entry into the Springfield Film Festival?

4) What is the title of Barney's entry into the Springfield Film Festival?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.3/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (8) | Simpsons Trivia
July 09, 2006
Just four years of Frank is better than a lifetime alone
Posted by Laurence Simon at 03:00 PM | Email This

Most people don't realize that of all of the contributors here at IMAO, I've been here the longest.

Well, except for Frank J. But that goes without question. Because those that question it find themselves stuffed into Wal-Mart shopping carts and rolled across busy freeways. (When was the last time you saw a post by Rachel Lucas?)

Anyway, the guest-post from February 23, 2003 was a milestone in Frank J's blogging achievements to show that:

  • Guest-bloggers don't have to wear his T-shirts.
  • Guest-bloggers don't have to all end up marrying him (ask Right Wing Duck about that Civil Union thing)
  • Guest-bloggers back then didn't do it for pay... they did it for the love of the game.

Ah, but the real secret to that post was the following:

Even the "endless" pasta bowl at the Olive Garden is just a metaphor, you know. They just keep bringing you different bowls.

Frank J. showed up on my doorstep that night, holding a .45 and a bottle of Jack Daniels, reeking of basil and toluene. Lighting struck in the background, which normally wouldn't make sense because it was a nice sunny day, but weather's weird here in Houston. You can have a bright sunshiny day and have a torrential downpour, finished off by locusts, frogs, and Mexicans who actually pay for their own healthcare services.

FRANKJ: Lair, I've got terrible news.
LAIR: Glenn Reynolds is really a robot?
FRANKJ: No, worse... come with me

So I went with him to the Olive Garden, and he and I both ordered the endless pasta bowls.

FRANKJ: Watch, as I mark this bowl with a permanent marker.
LAIR: That's a breadstick you're holding, Frank.
FRANKJ: Do not question the ninja master!

Seeing as how I had no desire to go skittering across I-45 in a child safety seat surrounded by a cheap aluminum frame, I didn't just refrain from questioning Frank, but I refrained from ending sentences with question marks for the next month.

In the silence, he pulls out a marker, and marks the pasta bowl with a marker. Then, with one great tip of the bowl, he literally quaffs his Garlic And Olive Oil Ziti.

There was a bell on the table. He instructed me to ding it gently to summon the waiter.

FRANKJ: Alfredo Angel-hair, chop chop!
WAITER: Yes, sir.
LAIR: You know, I might try that, too...
FRANKJ: Silence, or I shall be pugilistic with you!

Which made no sense, since he had a broken bottle in one hand and a gun in the other. I mean, he was more likely to headbutt me or maybe kick me in the groin than to put down either object. (He had gone to the bathroom at some point, and neither object had left his clutches, making one wonder at the events in the intervening two minutes.)

I get distracted so easily. Where was I? Oh, and when the waiter returns, the bowl is placed before him.

FRANKJ: Look! Look, Hebrew glutton, and despair!
LAIR: Yeeeaaaarrrghhhh! You spilled hot paste on my lap.
FRANKJ: Look! The Mark! The bowl bears The Mark!

And sure enough, just as I had first-degree burns on my crotch and permanent stains on my trousers, the bowl had Frank's marking on it.

FRANKJ: They use.... the same... BOWL!

I never did learn why FrankJ reeked of toluene as I ran screaming into the wilderness, but I have never went back to Olive Garden now that I know their hideous secret.

That mark still burns in my eyes. That hideous mark... that evil, wicked mark...

My eyes have seen the signposts along the shores of the River Styx, and I shall never order pasta again.

Rating: 2.3/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (10)
Four More Years! Four More Years!
Posted by Frank J. at 02:16 PM | Email This

As everyone knows (and as I was informed by SarahK), today is the fourth blogiversary of IMAO. Yes, four whole years of blogging, and what do I have to show for it? Fame, money, creative fulfillment, and a wife... but other than that, this has been a complete and utter waste of time.

Oh, I also have about one thousand e-mails asking me what IMAO means (didn't I say I was going to answer that once and for all about month ago?). Anyway, I'm tired and my head hurts, so I'll blog tomorrow.

I probably should check what Harvey posted today... Oh, hell! I'll get that rat bastard!

Rating: 2.5/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (4)
IMAO 4th Blogiversary Roast of Frank J. - UPDATED 7-10-06
Posted by Harvey at 01:54 PM | Email This

July 9th, 2002:

Hooray! A new blog! There's lots of stuff I felt like spouting off about, so here I am. Just as a warning, everything written here is in the most unrefined form and should not be used as an actual opinion.

July 7th 2006:

Also, since a few people have asked, the next part of Hellbender will come out Monday. This part takes some planning, and, rather than rush it, I decided to leave it until next week.

Glad to see Frank J. hasn't lost his talent for telling us what he's going to write about instead of just... you know... writing about it.

Well, since Frank J. isn't going to bother writing anything, let's see how those who are less lazy - and less Frank J. - are celebrating the most important date in Florida's history since the recount was invented:



The Blue Square suggests that Frank J.'s legendary animosity toward the Puppy Blender may be just a case of projection:
"So, Hitler was gay, Saddam is a nice guy inside, and, even worse, Frank J. blends puppies."

Psycho's Secret Asylum praises Frank J.'swit and handsomeness :
"fortunately for him he has a face made for blogging"

Well... his wit, anyway.

Remulak of The MoxArgon Group was going to just say nice things about Frank J, but decided to recap Frank J.'s life story instead, since:
"everybody else has probably used up all the most descriptive words like annoying, humourless, no-talent, time-wasting hack"

Vox Popular points out that in addition to Frank's many fine qualities as a human being, he also gives back to the community:
"Without him, who would the makers of transsexual Romanian midget goat porn look down on?"

Passionate America traces Frank J.'s evolution from abandoned orphan-waif...:
"Frank killed his first hippie on his 14th birthday, in a fight over a warm ketchup packet and a half eaten pizza crust."
...into a man who finally answers his heart's true calling:
"This is what I was put on this earth to do, punch liberals in their dumb monkey faces."

The Kag Report takes a closer look at Frank J. and makes several shocking discoveries, including:
"If you rearrange the letters F-R-A-N-K-J you get JFK RAN, which is obviously a plea to return to the glory days of the Democratic Party, so FrankJ is a closeted liberal."

Case Notes from the Artsy Asylum refuses to commit anything to writing, but instead settles for making some insinuations in the comments to this post.

Blogless Reader HKPistole gives Frank J. an honor which I've yet to receive myself:
"You may inform FrankJ that I've named my .44Mag Super Blackhawk after him... it was either that or rename Betty (my AR)..."

Although I've heard a rumor that Frank J. once pointed to something Rowdi did on the carpet and said my name, so I guess that counts as an honor.

Ben's Rants and Raves points out the obviously and overwhelming evidence proving Frank J.'s liberalism, including:
"...cats do nothing but lay around the house all day. In fact, by owning and feeding cats, Frank J. is promoting a welfare society."

GEBIV of There's One, Only! has a wide assortment of Fun Facts to help clarify your misconceptions about Frank J., including:
"Frank J's site should not be confused with IMOW or IMOE. Which are, respectively, about lawn care and the leader of The Three Stooges."

Shoot a Liberal is certain that Frank J. is just faking the whole neo-con thing:
"Frank J. is no more a conservative than Michael Moore is a fashion model."

Conservathink ponders on the origins of Frank J's blogging:
"A horrid force, as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and suddenly silenced, swept through the world, snuffing out the lives of countless monkeys."

I (Harvey, posting from Bad Example) give you a brief glimpse of what it's like to be part of the IMAO team and to work for the Imperial Humor Master, Frank J.:
"When Frank J. refers to the "IMAO Editorial Board", he's actually talking about the two by four that he beats us with while screaming "WRITE FUNNIER!""

Reader Silicon Valley Jim e-mails:
I've been a regular reader of IMAO for about three years now. It always brightens my day. No matter how bad I feel, IMAO cheers me up. Laughter is important, and Frank, from puppy-blending to the President in Curious George pajamas, has made me laugh, day after day. Happy fourth anniversary, and best wishes for many more.

UPDATE 7-10-06: Fellow IMAO serf Spacemonkey of insists that Frank isn't a tight-fisted cheap-ass, he's just frugal:
"Well I'll tell you, for several months when pay day has come around I've received a full envelope from Frank J. It's my pay and it's coupons for a variety of bladder control products."



The following are some random pictures, courtesy of SarahK, which I've numbered so that you can caption them in the comments and show Frank J. how much you love him.

Or love to make fun of him. Same thing.



#1:

"Hmmm... if I put this sunscreen on my socks, maybe they'll stay blinding white like my skin."

#2:

Frank J. toils in service to his feline master

#3:

"I'm Dan Rather and I guarantee that these memos are GENUINE!"

#4:

Frank J. wrote, directed, and starred in this... *ahem*... completely original film: "The Good, The Bad, and the Frankly".

#5:

"I stood behind my beloved Frank J., wishing that I knew how to quit him"

#6:

Too drunk to give a crap what happened to his shaker of salt.

#7:

Go away, or Frank J. will taunt you a second time.

#8:

"When I'm not battling Agent Smith in the Matrix, I like to enjoy the cold, refreshing taste of Coca-Cola."

#9:

In an emotional homecoming, Frank J. visits the plant where he was originally manufactured.

#10:

After hearing yet again "not tonight dear, I've got a headache", Frank J. finally snaps and wishes SarahK into the cornfield.

#11:

Pump!... You up!

#12:

"eight... nine... TEN thigh-holsters! I'm SOOOOO in love with this woman!"

#13:

In yet another revenue generating scheme, Frank J. started selling text ad space in his vacation pictures.

#14:

True or False?: Frank J. is wearing pants in this picture.

#15:

Frank J. relaxes backstage between acts during his performance in "The Birdcage".

#16:

Common ninja errors: adding bleach to a load of black pajamas in an effort to remove bloodstains.

#17:

"I'm gonna flip out... like a ninja... because that's... what ninjas do"

#18:

Frank J. and SarahK read the "IMAO 4th Blogiversary Roast of Frank J." post.



I assume those are looks of approval.

If I missed your entry or there's a typo or broken permalink, please leave a comment, or e-mail to roastfrankj@gmail.com

Rating: 2.6/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (11)
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 10:57 AM | Email This

(Introduction)



1) (T/F) The classic science fiction movie "Planet of the Apes" was turned into a stage musical starring Troy McClure

2) In "A Fish Called Selma," Troy starts dating Selma to cover up his fetish for what?

3) What brand of beer do they drink in Shelbyville?

4) Who does Mother Simpson's false I.D. from Tennessee say she is?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.3/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (3) | Simpsons Trivia
July 08, 2006
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 10:53 AM | Email This

(Introduction)



1) (T/F) "The Spine Melter 2000" is a vibrating reclining chair

2) What's the name of the country-western comedy show that guest-starred Lurleen Lumpkin?

3) Where was Lurleen Lumpkin working when Homer discovered her?

4) How did Selma permanently lose her senses of taste and smell?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 1.8/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (5) | Simpsons Trivia
July 07, 2006
Arr! I Needs Ye Help!
Posted by Frank J. at 06:03 PM | Email This

Went to see Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest today on the nice local DLP showing, but, due to poor planning, the lovely and talented SarahK and I arrived a bit late. I don't think we missed much - we arrived as the arrest warrants were being handed out - but, if someone could fill us in on what we missed in the opening, we'd be much obliged.

BTW, it was certainly a certified, FDA approved summer blockbuster; I felt I got my money's worth... more so than with Superman which I felt was just missing some of that mindless fun I like in my movies.

Also, since a few people have asked, the next part of Hellbender will come out Monday. This part takes some planning, and, rather than rush it, I decided to leave it until next week.

Rating: 1.3/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (11)
Like the T-shirt Says
Posted by Harvey at 12:49 PM | Email This

We Remember

7-7-05

Rating: 1.0/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (5)
Needs More Barbeque Sauce
Posted by Harvey at 12:48 PM | Email This

Final reminder: The IMAO 4th Blogiversary Frank J. Roast Round-up is coming Sunday

Put your permalink in the comments, or e-mail to roastfrankj@gmail.com by 11:59 pm Saturday, July 8th

If you do a really good job, Frank might even name one of his guns after you.

Rating: 2.1/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (2)
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 11:51 AM | Email This

(Introduction)



1) (T/F) Freddy is Mayor Quimby's nephew

2) Where does Homer like to buy his donuts?

3) Who said, "I'm going to do what Bart should have told me to do a long time ago"?

4) What is school cafeteria gravy made out of?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.5/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (6) | Simpsons Trivia
Friday Catblogging
Posted by Laurence Simon at 09:37 AM | Email This

Since it's Friday, I thought I'd spread the joy of humor-free, apolitical Friday Catblogging to IMAO (aka "I-MEOW").

Sure, some of the IMAO bloggers have cats, but they're funny, so they don't have to rely on posting cat photos and then getting others to post up captions to make them funny. Not that I'm jealous. mind you. Just saying.

Anyway, it's time for Thirsty Piper:

If you're not sure how this absurd scene pertains to IMAO, since IMAO is famous for that "political humor" thing, it doesn't. If you must have some semblance of politics or humor in everything you read here, just assume that Piper is... um...

Help me out here. Make your suggestions in the comments how this scene is, in fact, a political allegory.


You can find more examples of Friday catblogging by searching a blog search engine such as Technorati for "catblogging."

You can also find a roundup of catblogging posts at The Friday Ark, located at The Modulator blog. Then, when the weekend is nearly over, head over to The Carnival of the Cats for more kitty goodness. There's also a Flikr Group called Furry Friday.

Add to that Weekend Catblogging at Eatstuff.

Anybody I miss?

Rating: 2.4/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (7) | Friday Cat-Blogging
July 06, 2006
North Korea Is Threatening Our Existence, and You're Just Sitting There Reading IMAO
Posted by Frank J. at 04:33 PM | Email This

I see like everybody out there in the blogosphere complaining about North Korea and their missiles, but I don't see anyone doing anything about it. Is Glenn Reynolds organizing a North Korean boycott? Is Michelle Malkin planning to invade North Korea and blow up their missiles sites? Is Mr. T setting up a system to shoot down launched North Korean missiles?

Well, I guess Mr. T doesn't have a blog, but he should.

Anyway, if none of you are going to personally do anything about North Korea, then everyone in the blogosphere should stop all this blah blah blah about it. Sheesh.

Rating: 2.3/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (36)
Meanwhile in Iraq
Posted by Harvey at 03:59 PM | Email This

(click to enlarge)

Security was ramped up as a precaution after New York Times reporters were sighted in the area. Unfortunately, the German Shepherd was actually Bill Keller in a dog suit.

[Pic via CENTCOM]

Rating: 2.5/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (4)
Googlestalked
Posted by spacemonkey at 01:00 PM | Email This

While the fierce heated debate on what's a good definition of spacemonkey is raging:

I offer the following interlude.
I, like some people, use gmail for my email and also the google talk chat dealy-bopper that is bundled to the gmail notifier.

This allows you to interact with people, just by the virtue of your both being online at the same time and having the program running. (stop me if I get too technical, I'm talking to you, RWD)

Anyway you can chant with people online, oh sure you can chat too but chanting is so rhythmic and well, nevermind. But you can chat with people, other people than yourself which can at times be nice.

But you can communcate by changing the status on your name too, which I posted about a little cheese joke we had a while back. Here I show a (for me) clever response to the status of some character named "American Ronin", who is tauting the fact that today is his Faux-Friday, because he doesn't work tomorrow. i guess. I change my status from "Walmart is the Devil" to "Faux-Wednesday" since the rest of us in the US (the real Americans) are in the middle of our work week what with the Independence day holiday and not being a mungbrain like American Ronin (who in all likelihood is probably a Jordanian in Hungary or somewhere where it's really Friday already and he 's writing computer viruses).
gttrc1.jpg

Then out of the blue some, 'Ronald Coleman' character (if that's really his name) reads my private GoogleTalk status and practically stalks me online, IM'ing me incessantly. Below the fold is the startling content of that IM conversation. (Edited for profanity)

Read More...


Rating: 2.3/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (12)
Operation Get Spacemonkey Added To The Dictionary
Posted by Laurence Simon at 11:42 AM | Email This

Throw out your old dictionaries, folks. They're all horribly out of date now that the new ones are about to hit the shelves!

If you're still lost, grab the latest edition of Merriam-Webster's Collegiate Dictionary for a definition of those and about 100 other words that have made their way into its pages.

"We try to have a mix that addresses the wide range of people's information needs when adding new words," said John Morse, president of the Springfield-based dictionary publisher. "It could be a technical term or some light-hearted slang that sends people to a dictionary."

To make it into the dictionary, a word has to be more than a flash-in-the-pan fad. It needs staying power.

"We need evidence that the word is showing up in publications that people are reading on an everyday basis," Morse said. Lexicographers comb through national newspapers, entertainment magazines, trade journals and Web sites in search of new words and phrases.

Okay, so let's see if they've finally gotten around to adding spacemonkey...

The word you've entered isn't in the dictionary. Click on a spelling suggestion below or try again using the search box to the right.

What? No spacemonkey? Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Folks, it's time to make spacemonkey a part of your daily lives so we can get it added to the dictionary. (And, thus, get spacemonkey's picture put next to the definition.)

But first, of course, we need to agree on a definition of spacemonkey.

What's your definition of spacemonkey?

Read More...


Rating: 2.4/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (17)
The Demands of Kon Young Ducky
Posted by RightWingDuck at 11:33 AM | Email This

New York Times Special Report...

Overwhelmed by the pressures of work, school, and World Cup Soccer - young RWD has finally snapped. He has left the group at IMAO to go to his top secret lair at 123 Avenida De Las Flores. (Ducky's note: CURSE YOU NY TIMES.) The government has been watching the young duck as he spirals downward in a downward spiral of .. er. downwardness. This secret spying of the duck was not authorized by congress was probably illegal. (Government note: Curse you NY Times.) Also, his hair has magically become much more poofy like.

We now go to a specially released statement from Kon Young Ducky (formerly known as RightWingDuck)

poofyduck.JPG


Attention World!!! Or IMAO readers. I have developed a powerful missile capable of leaving my backyard and causing doom - DOOOOOM!! I say. Not really sure about the doom, but I am fairly sure that it should be able to leave my back yard. This super missile powered by top secret techknology (NY Times Note: Baking Soda) that nobody would dare challenge!!

At this point, all your everything are belong to me!! It is only by giving in and offering ransom that you pathetic Americans can even hope to survive my wrath.

In the comments below, please list who you are and what your concessions would be to me and my mighty arsenal of baking soda, er.. i mean.. top secret technology weapons of doooooooooom.

Rating: 3.0/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (13)
Is This Enough to Finally Get His Title Changed from "Reverend" to Something More Appropriate... Like "Jackoff"?
Posted by Frank J. at 10:00 AM | Email This

Am I reading this editorial right in that the "Reverend" Al Sharpton is urging Churches to forget all that crazy religious stuff and instead focus on petty political issues?

The beliefs of the Democratic base have long been in conflict with the religious beliefs of the majority of blacks, and I know the Democrats have to be quite scared that will one day break up what has always been a solid voting block for them (and basically cause the Democrats’ extinction), but this is pretty pathetic. We have here an editorial on what Christian churches should be focusing on that mentions all the old canards ("stolen" elections of 2000 and 2004) but doesn't mention Jesus once; that's just surreal from someone claiming to have any connection to religion.

If Al Sharpton wants more acceptance, he should try and stop churches from preaching about being on the lookout for false prophets. Otherwise the smart ones will kick him right out the door.

Rating: 2.5/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (13)
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 09:17 AM | Email This

(Introduction)



1) Who is the president of Itchy & Scratchy Studios?

2) What's the slogan for Fire Safety Day at Springfield Elementary?

3) According to Smithers, how many little jobs does he do for Mr. Burns?

4) Which U.S. President did Burns' mother have an affair with?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.8/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (5) | Simpsons Trivia
There Can Be Only One
Posted by Frank J. at 08:29 AM | Email This

I figured if I want to improve my Google ranking for "Frank", I better start campaigning against the other Franks ahead of me. Well, look at this article I found about Anne Frank. She doesn't even want her Google ranking; I should have it.

Rating: 2.8/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (6)
July 05, 2006
Carnival Of Comedy Reminder
Posted by spacemonkey at 05:21 PM | Email This

I want you! To pull my finger.
This should be on a T-Shirt?

Steve the Pirate will be hosting thje carnival of comedy TOMORROW!

Get those entries in to here, or here!

Rating: 2.5/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (3) | Why Me Laugh?
Is this Spam?
Posted by Laurence Simon at 02:58 PM | Email This

I was checking my inbox when I came across the following...

Read More...


Rating: 2.3/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (12)
A Story, Bit by Bit
Hellbender: Part 11 - The Personal and the Professional
Posted by Frank J. at 02:04 PM | Email This

BEGINNING OF STORY

PREVIOUS (PART 10)

* * * *

Bryce quickly ducked into an alleyway for cover with Lulu and Charlene following; Charlene pulled along Doug, who had reacted to the shooting by standing still and looking around with confusion.

"That was a warning shot!" yelled a voice that Doug recognized as the goonette he had failed to hit with a pipe.

"They always say that when they miss," Charlene said.

Lulu frowned. "I didn't think we'd be getting shot at this early."

"It's goons," Doug said. "They're after Bryce. I hit one in the head with a pipe, but the other got away and came back, I guess."

"Goons?" Charlene sighed and moved to the edge of the alleyway exit. "Anyway, I spotted four of them in an old store front... one with a rifle. Give me a gun and I'll take care of them."

"No guns." Bryce pulled Charlene back and placed himself nearer the end of the alleyway. "This is a personal matter completely unrelated to our mission... well, mainly unrelated. Anyway, I'll handle this." He turned to face out of the alleyway without exposing himself. "Hey! Sharon! Let's try to resolve this peacefully before it ends in a way that we both regret!"

"Shannon," Doug corrected him.

Bryce thought for a moment. "Are you sure?"

More bullets struck the edge of the alleyway, spraying pieces of concrete everywhere. "You don't even remember my name?" Shannon shouted.

"Well... I'm bad with names... always have been, really. Still, I think we can be professional about this. I know that your boss wants me alive."

"Yes, but we don't!" answered a different female voice.

Bryce looked worried. "Charlene, did you happen to notice if all four were women?"

"Didn't get a good view, but they could have been. What's this all about?"

Bryce ignored the question. "This could be bad."

"You said you love me!" yelled a third female voice.

Bryce was sweating. "Well... uh... in my defense... um... I thought it was clear from the context that I only said that to get you to sleep with me."

Doug covered his ears in anticipation of more gunfire. After the bullets hit the wall and pavement outside the alley, Charlene turned to Lulu. "You see who we've gotten involved with?"

"That's why I'm in charge."

Doug tapped Bryce on the shoulder. "You know, you've occasionally gotten normal women to try and kill you, so maybe you should be more careful around women hired to kill people."

"At least I'm getting some action, Doug, so shut up."

"Enough." Charlene reached in Doug's jacket and pulled out his gun. She then leaned out of the alley and fired off a shot.

"That almost hit me in the head!" Shannon screamed.

Charlene looked at the pistol in her hand with distaste. "I need something more accurate for this range."

"That was a warning shot!" Bryce shouted to the jilted goons. "I'm currently with a bunch of heavily armed mercenaries, so maybe this isn't the best time to talk."

Lulu moved towards the alleyway exit. "This is Madam Liu, leader of the mercenary group..." She turned to the others and whispered, "We really need a name for our new mercenary group."

Doug knew the answer to that one. "Hellbender."

"Ooh! I like that!" Lulu faced the alleyway exit. "...the mercenary group Hellbender! Don't make us kill you... because we really will. If you have a problem with Bryce, why don't you get together and put your thoughts down in a letter and mail that to him. You'll feel a lot better afterwards."

Charlene rolled her eyes. "You really told them."

"This isn't over, Hellbender!" Shannon shouted back. "You've gained the wrath of Dante Ridge by protecting Bryce, and we'll see you all dead!"

"Okay. Toodles." Lulu leaned out of the alleyway to take a look. "I think they left. See. I saved us all; that's why I'm the leader."

Charlene glared at Bryce. "Dante Ridge! Isn't he the biggest crime lord out there?"

"Well, that varies by what measure you go by. I mean... physically, he isn't the biggest."

Charlene grabbed Bryce and placed her pistol barrel at his chin. "What have you gotten us into?"

"Nothing! To do the necessary research to get us this mission, I had to get some information from some existing criminal organizations. I might have stepped on a few toes and had personal relations with a few female goons, but that's my problem. I'll take care of it."

Lulu pulled the two apart. "Calm down, Charlene, or I'm taking away the gun. I think it's pretty cool that we already have an enemy when we've only been a mercenary group for a couple minutes. Go Hellbender!"

"This isn't a game, Lulu! And what in the world does 'Hellbender' mean?"

"It's a type of salamander," Doug explained. "I saw the name once in a book and thought it would make a great name for a rock band. Since I never joined a rock band, while we were getting shot at I thought it might also make a great name for a mercenary group."

Charlene stared at Doug until he became uncomfortable.

"A salamander is like lizard but wetter," he said sheepishly.

Charlene shook her head as she put away the pistol. "I know what a salamander is. I was supposed to be smarter than to ever get involved in something like this."

Bryce fixed his suit. "Cheer up. This will turn out great; I promise. Let's get some dinner, and then we can head to a building I've acquired that we can use as headquarters."

Lulu smiled. "Hellbender headquarters! Awesome!"

Dinner ended up being Chinese takeout, and Hellbender headquarters was a ramshackle building on the edge of town that looked to be one step away from being marked for demolition. At least this time Bryce used a key to get in the door. Inside, it appeared to be a long-abandoned office building with a thick coat of dust and cobwebs on all the furniture. Lulu was ecstatic and immediately began suggesting ideas for renovations. Charlene quickly cleaned off one table and looked through the data Bryce had gotten from the exploded robot that hired them. Once Doug had his fill of rice and noodles, he lost interest in the discussion of different tactical methods to infiltrate the Asmod research building, as it mainly went over his head. He figured they'd tell him what to do when they settled on something, so he left the three to plan while he went to get some sleep. He plopped down on an old sofa, coughed for a couple seconds from the dust that was upturned, and then closed his eyes.

Next thing Doug knew, he was hanging upside down and looking at a familiar face.

"Hello once again, Doug."

NEXT

Baens Universe Logo
Help Save Science Fiction at Jim Baen's Universe!
(NOTE: Frank J.'s hastily hacked together stories are in no way supported or condoned by Baen)

Rating: 1.5/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (9) | Hellbender
You and Your Diary Are Next, Anne Frank!
Posted by Frank J. at 12:55 PM | Email This

This website is now number five for a Google search of "Frank." Soon, I'll be the most popular Frank in all the internets, and the world will be mine!

Rating: 3.7/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (19)
In My World: Dong!
Posted by Frank J. at 11:43 AM | Email This

"Dong! Dong! Dong!"

"What is it, Dear Leader?" asked Kim Jong Il's aide.

"We launch Taepodong missile now! We show world we mighty!"

"But I don't think the missile is ready for--"

"Show them my dong! Dong! Dong! Dong!"

"Fine! Will launch the missile! Just stop saying, 'Dong.'" The aide gave a motion to the missile command, and they commenced launching a missile.

Jong rubbed his grubby hands together. "Hee hee hee! Now all the world will fear my dong! First, I must get my hair poofier! They will fear me when my hair is poofy and they see my dong! Poofier! Poofier! Dong! Dong!"

"I can't make it any poofier!" cried Jong's hair stylist. "If it gets any more poofy, the static electricity it would generate could set off the nuclear warheads and kill us all!"

"Poofier! Dong! Dong! Dong!"

The aide got off the phone. "That was the Chinese. They say they want their trains back. Did you steal the trains the Chinese sent their aid on?"

"No steal! Trains are part of aid! Trains are ours!"

"I know we need more trains, but, if we keep taking the Chinese trains, they won't send anymore aid."

"They will do what we tell them when they see my dong! Launch another Taepodong! Dong! Dong! Dong! Dong! Do--"

"Okay! Please just stop saying, 'Dong.'" The aide motioned to missile command to launch another missile.

"Hee hee hee! All will see my dong and cower!"

* * * *

Bush watched the sky with binoculars and started giggling. "Know what the North Koreans call these?"

"The missiles?" Condoleezza Rice asked.

"Yeah. They call them 'Taepo.'" Bush laughed some more. "What the hell kind of name is that?"

"I believe it's a Korean name."

Bush thought about that. "I guess that makes sense, then. So, can we shoot down the missiles?"

"What I'm hearing from the military commanders is that they're falling harmlessly into the sea too fast for us to shoot them down."

Bush considered that. "So you're saying we're impotent to shoot down the North Korean's impotent missiles?"

Condi giggled. "Do you realize you just called Kim Jong Il's dong 'impotent'?"

Bush stared at her. "I don't get it."

Rating: 1.8/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (12) | In My World
Ken Lay
Posted by Laurence Simon at 10:33 AM | Email This

Q: Of all of his crimes against his fellow man, what will former Enron CEO Ken Lay be remembered for the most?

Read More...


Rating: 2.5/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (3)
Half-Assed Protests
Posted by Harvey at 10:20 AM | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

Cindy Sheehan & Code Pink have started their "Bring the Troops Home Fast", where - in exchange for the following demands:

* The withdrawal of all U.S. from Iraq;

* No permanent bases in Iraq;

* A commitment to fund a massive reconstruction effort but with funds going to Iraqi, not U.S., contractors.

they promise to eat regular meals.

Amusingly, Sheehan's idea of a "fast" isn't the normal one of "no food, just water". It's "a diet of water, teas and juices". Possibly the occasional Wendy's Frostie, too, although I don't know if soquids are allowed.

And for those who aren't even willing to give up solid foods - no problem! You can join in the "rolling fast", where you only stop eating on designated days. Yes, you too can share quality hunger-time with such celebrities as Susan Sarandon, Sean Penn, Danny Glover, Willie Nelson and the Rev. Al Sharpton.

"Stop eating on a designated day"? Guess what, Lefty Idiots, that's not fasting, that's DIETING. Of course "Bring the Troops Home Diet" just doesn't have that martyr-like ring to it.

I imagine, however that this "fasting with food" concept will probably inspire other weak, watered-down protest efforts that require no real sacrifice and have catchy names and the phrase "for the Troops" added so it sounds like they're doing something noble. Maybe protests like:



Poop for the Troops - Use the toilet but refuse to flush.

Death March for the Troops - Don't use your remote control. Walk up to the TV and change channels manually.

Fine for the Troops - Return your library books late.

Hubble for the Troops - When you take vacation pictures, make them slightly blurry.

Hobble for the Troops - Walk around your house barefoot until you stub your toe on a piece of furniture.

Fresh Step for the Troops - Go an extra day before cleaning your cat's litter box.

Get Moore-On for the Troops - Just keep eating until you're as fat as Michael Moore. If you're already there, shoot for Ted Kennedy.

Matte Finish for the Troops - Next time you wash your car, don't wax it.

Agent Orange for the Troops - Stand on the grass right next to a "Keep off the Grass" sign. Move along smartly as soon as a cop yells at you so that you don't actually get into any trouble.

Butterfatless for the Troops - Switch to skim milk.

Burning in the Flaming Cauldron of the Desert Heat for the Troops - Set your central air one degree higher than normal.



Myself, I'll be participating in "Stifle the Dissent of Stupid Neo-Hippies for the Troops" where I'll be mercilessly violating the free speech rights of anonymous trolls by editing their comments to make them look stupid...er.

Rating: 2.5/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (17) | Precision Guided Humor Assignments
Roast Reminder
Posted by Harvey at 09:13 AM | Email This

Pay homage to The Great and Powerful Frank J. by submitting your entry to The IMAO 4th Blogiversary Frank J. Roast Round-up

Put your permalink in the comments, or e-mail to roastfrankj@gmail.com by 11:59 pm Saturday, July 8th

Those who do not submit an entry will be placed on the IMAO Enemies List. Probably somewhere between monkeys and liberals.

Rating: 1.3/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (1)
Two Day Week!
Posted by Frank J. at 08:49 AM | Email This

And then a three-day weekend!

Yeah, you wish you were me, but only I'm me.

Anyway, sorry for not posting for a while, but I hand a mini-vacation. I know I should have put up something for Independence Day, but I like to think that my postings everyday are my profession of a deep love for America. Actually, I'm so often professing my love for America that SarahK keeps shouting, "Stop talking about America."

And when I said America's name in bed the other day... well, that was awkward.

Where was I? Oh yeah, I'll try and come up with some funny stuff now. Also, I'll write some more parts to Hellbender. How many people are reading that? So far, I don't think it's turning out as well as Superego, but I'll keep pushing through.

Be honorable, ronin.

Rating: 3.3/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (7)
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 08:47 AM | Email This

(Introduction)



1) Travel agent Wally Kogen and Homer take many of the Springfield men on a trip to where?

2) Homer is amazed to see that there's a character named after him on what TV show?

3) According to Apu, what Valentine's Day drink should get you "pretty darned hammered"?

4) What company builds a cellular phone antenna site in Lisa's bedroom?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.6/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (9) | Simpsons Trivia
July 04, 2006
Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 05:02 PM | Email This

"Who is that firebrand, Smithers?"

"That's Homer Simpson."

"Simpson, eh?... New man?"

"Actually, sir, he thwarted your campaign for governor, you ran over his son, he saved the plant from meltdown, his wife painted you in the nude..."

"Doesn't ring a bell."

However, if such events ring a bell for you, you'll probably enjoy this new feature at IMAO - 4 questions per day from the Official Simpsons Trivia Game, with Official Trivia Card answers posted in the comments the next day.

Starting tomorrow.

But first, something to bicker over:

Has "The Simpsons" jumped the shark as a TV series? If so, what was the defining moment of its decline?

Personally, I say "yes" and "the death of Maude Flanders", respectively.

Not sayin' that the show doesn't still have its moments, just sayin' that killing off a major character is a cry for help.

Rating: 2.6/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (12) | Simpsons Trivia
Happy Independence Day!
Posted by spacemonkey at 03:26 PM | Email This

If you love your freedom, today is as good a day as any to show it by:

* Thanking a soldier, honestly.
* Displaying Old Glory, PROPERLY.
* Blowing some stuff up, legally.
* Punching a hippie, gleefully!

Have a respectful, safe, happy and fun Independence Day.

Rating: 2.6/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (21)
July 03, 2006
Ten Rejected CBS Plans To Prepare Audiences For Katie Couric
Posted by Laurence Simon at 01:00 PM | Email This

CBS is preparing audiences for the arrival of newsgidget Katie Couric in the CBS Evening News anchor chair:

The soft sell of successor Katie Couric by Bob Schieffer ends with this simple request: "Just watch."

The promotion that has begun airing on CBS News programs is the first step of CBS News' sales job for Couric, who starts Sept. 5 as the new "CBS Evening News" anchor.

The idea is to have Schieffer introduce Couric to his audience, and he ad-libs in his amiable style. Couric appears briefly on the screen, looking serious and talking on the phone, but does not speak.

Phase two later this month will be ads featuring Couric talking about the news and how to cover it, said CBS News President Sean McManus. The ads will gradually branch out to other CBS programs, then to other networks, he said.

In August, advertising for Couric's debut will include specific promotions for segments in the "CBS Evening News," he said.

"There's not a great necessity to let people know that she is starting on Sept. 5," McManus said. "The entire world will know that. We're trying to give a sense of transition."

Of course, this being a Big Three broadcast network, these weren't the only plans CBS came up with.

TEN REJECTED CBS PLANS TO PREPARE VIEWERS FOR KATIE COURIC'S ARRIVAL

10. Really cool effect where the TARDIS discharges a massive energy bolt into Bob Schieffer, causing him regenerate into the form of Katie Couric. (Ooooh! Daleks! Cybermen!)

9. Katie returns to earth as a messiah-figure after spending five years away on her home planet for some reason or another. Oooh! Kevin Spacey as some kind of Rupert Murdoch arch-nemesis figure! (Cool!)

8. Who can remember all these countries! International News is simplified by using the map from the game Risk, thus reducing the world to 42 simple territories (with a land bridge between Brazil and West Africa, too!)

7. Bob Schieffer quests Katie Couric to toss Dan Rather into the fiery pit of Mount Doom from which he was forged.

6. Katie marries Bob Schieffer several weeks before the scheduled takeover, then plots to bump him off to inherit the entire family fortune. (I think I saw this on Dallas. Or was it Dynasty? CRAP! Aaron Spelling isn't answering his pager!)

5. New sponsor: Soylent Green. Slogan: "It's Schiefferiffic!" (as opposed to "It's Bobtastic!")

4. Give viewers a reason to want Bob Schieffer off of the anchor desk... hrm... maybe getting someone with a vendetta against the president to fax a bunch of faked documents to a deranged producer working for Bob.... aw, screw it. Snakes In A Newsroom!

3. The anchordesk is replaced with a dunking booth. Halfway through the newscast, a randomly-picked viewer gets to virtually throw three baseballs at a target in an attempt to sink her. (Hey, it worked with Lou Dobbs.)

2. CBS expands the news half-hour to an hour, reduces commercial interruptions, relies on experienced and well-educated local correspondents, provides in-depth analysis at their website, offers up a politically-neutral agendaless editor- HA HA HA HA HA HA HA Oh, I'm sorry, I'm just... HA HA HA HA HA HA HA...

And the number one way CBS had planned to prepare audiences for Katie Couric's arrival...

Read More...


Rating: 2.5/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (13)
Coming Soon: The IMAO 4th Blogiversary Frank J. Roast Round-up
Posted by Harvey at 10:28 AM | Email This

July 9th marks the 4th blogiversary of IMAO, and to celebrate, we'll be roasting Frank J.

No, that's not some sort of Instapundit hobo-sacrificing ritual.

We're talking a comedy roast:

an event in which an individual is subject to publicly bearing insults, praise, outlandish true and untrue stories, and heartwarming tributes.

And you're invited to give Frank J. your best shot.

Simply post insults, praise, outlandish true and untrue stories, and/or heartwarming tributes about Frank J. on your own blog, and then either leave a permalink in the comments to this post or e-mail a link to roastfrankj@gmail.com

Deadline is 11:59 pm Saturday, July 8th, and I'll post the Roast Round-up on Sunday.

Now go post something before Frank hits you in the head with a pipe. I can't control him when he gets like this.

Rating: 1.9/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (14)
Fun Facts About Mississippi
Posted by Harvey at 09:41 AM | Email This

The IMAO Podcast is still on hiatus, but I have an irresistable urge to finish up the rest of the states in the Fun Facts About The 50 States series, so I'm going to forge ahead - hopefully on a weekly schedule.

Should the podcast return, this is the list from which I'll pick & choose my favorite items to record.

(continued in extended entry)

Read More...


Rating: 2.8/5 (44 votes cast)

Comments (5) | Fun Trivia
July 02, 2006
Just Captioning...
Posted by Harvey at 04:23 PM | Email This

[Hat tip: John of Argghhh!]

(click to enlarge)

"Soldiers disappointedly sample a local Iraqi delicacy - the 'sandmelon'"

OR

"Green on the outside, red on the inside... it's like eating a hippy!"

Rating: 2.5/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (9)
 

Buy IMAO T-Shirts


IMAO T-Shirts

The IMAO T-Shirt Babe
(winning picture) YOU BUY NEW SHIRTS NOW!!!
Yay! Books!





Capitalism
Archives
By Category
24
American Idol
Aqua-Adventures
Barackalypse Now
Best of IMAO 2002
Best of IMAO 2006
Bite-Sized Wisdom
Editorials
Election 2008
Filthy Lies
Frank Answers
Frank Discussions
Frank on Guns
Frank Reads the Bible
Frank the Artist
Fred Thompson Facts
Friday Cat-Blogging
Fun Trivia
Hellbender
Hellbender Take Two
Hillary Clinton Terrible Truths
Humor
I Hate Frank
If I Were President
ignis fatuous
IMAO Condensed
IMAO Exclusives
IMAO for the Non-Deaf
IMAO Reviews
IMAO Think Tank
In My World
In My World - Fan Fiction
John Edwards Fabulous Facts
Know Thy Enemy
lolterizt
Michael Moore
Mitt Romney Ads
News Round-Up
Newsish Fakery
No, McCain't
Our Military
Permalink Contest
Precision Guided Humor Assignments
Ron Paul, Ron Paul, Ron Paul
Ronin Profiles
Ronin Thought of the Day
SarahK's TV stuff
Scary Evil Monkey
Simpsons Trivia
Songs & Poems
State of the Frank Report
Superego
Totally True Tidbits
WEsistance Is Facile
Why Me Laugh?
Yvonne's Ashes
By Month
December 2008
September 2008
August 2008
July 2008
June 2008
May 2008
April 2008
March 2008
February 2008
January 2008
December 2007
November 2007
October 2007
September 2007
August 2007
July 2007
June 2007
May 2007
April 2007
March 2007
February 2007
January 2007
December 2006
November 2006
October 2006
September 2006
August 2006
July 2006
June 2006
May 2006
April 2006
March 2006
February 2006
January 2006
December 2005
November 2005
October 2005
September 2005
August 2005
July 2005
June 2005
May 2005
April 2005
March 2005
February 2005
January 2005
December 2004
November 2004
October 2004
September 2004
August 2004
July 2004
June 2004
May 2004
April 2004
March 2004
February 2004
January 2004
December 2003
November 2003
October 2003
September 2003
August 2003
July 2003
June 2003
May 2003
April 2003
March 2003
February 2003
January 2003
December 2002
November 2002
October 2002
September 2002
August 2002
July 2002
March 1933