Marine Corporal David Emery Jr. ("DJ") was severely wounded in a suicide attack in Iraq. He is in critical condition and has a baby daughter on the way. Please go read about him at Blackfive and keep him in your prayers.

If you're planning on making a robot cat and need artificial intelligence programming for it, I give you this source code free of charge:

const char* KittyObserveObject(object observed_object)
{
  if(isSmall(observed_object) && isMoving(observed_object))
  {
    kill(observed_object);
    return("Meow");
  }
  else
  {
    sleep();
    return("Purr");
  }
}

That should cover about 90% of it.

You may have heard of Michelle Malkin's "I Am John Doe" project, where people are asked to get onboard with the John Doe manifesto - which puts Muslim terrorists on notice that Americans will be watching them carefully and will be taking them down hard if they even LOOK like they're going to try any splodey-dope crap.

Personally, I don't think they deserve any notice, because then they won't get that hilarious, fish-faced surprised look when they suddenly discover they're getting the crap kicked out of them, but Michelle's aways been soft on terrorism like that.

Anyway, here's the manifesto:

You do not know me. But I am on the lookout for you. You are my enemy. And I am yours.

I am John Doe.

I am traveling on your plane. I am riding on your train. I am at your bus stop. I am on your street. I am in your subway car. I am on your lift.

I am your neighbor. I am your customer. I am your classmate. I am your boss.

I am John Doe.

I will never forget the example of the passengers of United Airlines Flight 93 who refused to sit back on 9/11 and let themselves be murdered in the name of Islam without a fight.

I will never forget the passengers and crew members who tackled al Qaeda shoe-bomber Richard Reid on American Airlines Flight 63 before he had a chance to blow up the plane over the Atlantic Ocean.

I will never forget the alertness of actor James Woods, who notified a stewardess that several Arab men sitting in his first-class cabin on an August 2001 flight were behaving strangely. The men turned out to be 9/11 hijackers on a test run.

I will act when homeland security officials ask me to "report suspicious activity."

I will embrace my local police department’s admonition: "If you see something, say something."

I am John Doe.

I will protest your Jew-hating, America-bashing "scholars."

I will petition against your hate-mongering mosque leaders.

I will raise my voice against your subjugation of women and religious minorities.

I will challenge your attempts to indoctrinate my children in our schools.

I will combat your violent propaganda on the Internet.

I am John Doe.

I will support law enforcement initiatives to spy on your operatives, cut off your funding, and disrupt your murderous conspiracies.

I will oppose all attempts to undermine our borders and immigration laws.

I will resist the imposition of sharia principles and sharia law in my taxi cab, my restaurant, my community pool, the halls of Congress, our national monuments, the radio and television airwaves, and all public spaces.

I will not be censored in the name of tolerance.

I will not be cowed by your Beltway lobbying groups in moderate clothing. I will not cringe when you shriek about "profiling" or "Islamophobia."

I will put my family’s safety above sensitivity. I will put my country above multiculturalism.

I will not submit to your will. I will not be intimidated.

I am John Doe.

Not suprisingly, Chris Kelly of the Huffington Post's reaction was to fisk the pledge with the sort of graceless, ham-fisted, inept unfunniness that one has come to expect from the unhinged left.

What *did* surprise me (and maybe it shouldn't have) was that he didn't offer a better alternative.

So, as a bi-partisan outreach to conscience-impaired, morally-crippled, leftist humor-tards, I offer a pledge they can get behind without - as is sadly but consistently true - a second thought.

You do not know me. But I act as lookout for you. You are my friend. And I am yours.

I am Huff Po.

I am flying my private plane. I am riding in my limosine. I have never ridden a bus. And the subway? Feh. That's for the little people. I am living in a gated community. I always use the VIP entrance. We'll probably never actually meet unless you're holding the door for me.

I am your flag-burner. I am your effigy-hanger. I am your high-calorie hunger-striker. I am your unshaven documentary-maker.

I am Huff Po.

I will never forget the example of the thoughtless, disruptive passengers of United Airlines Flight 93, and how racist it was of them not to just sit back on 9/11 and let the brave Muslims land the plane safely after the pilot... fell unexpectedly ill.

I will never forget those stupid, racist passengers and crew members who tackled the unfairly-accused, alleged "al Qaeda shoe-bomber" Richard Reid on American Airlines Flight 63 before he had a chance to explain that he was just using that match to find a dropped contact lens in the darkness by his feet. Perfectly understandable. Happens all the time.

I will never forget the racist over-reacting of actor James Woods, who pointlessly pestered a stewardess, claiming that several Arab men sitting in his first-class cabin on an August 2001 flight were behaving strangely. Sure, the men turned out to be 9/11 hijackers on a test run, but come ON! It was only a TEST! Who freaks out over a TEST?

I will march with a "Bush = Hitler" sign when Homeland Security officials ask me to "report suspicious activity". That'll show those Brownshirts!

I will mock my local police department's admonition "If you see something, say something". Yeah, I see something... a Nazi goon in a blue uniform!

I am Huff Po.

I will applaud your Zionist-conspiracy-hating, American-imperialism-bashing scholars.

I will donate to your misunderstood mosque leaders as reparations for the injustices your people suffered during the Crusades.

I will raise my voice against the subjugation of your women and religious minorities to greedy American corporate interests like Halliburton and Wal-Mart.

I will embrace your attempts to educate my children with your wisdom and different truths in our schools. YAY! Diversity!

I will link to your cool YouTube videos of American mercenaries getting what's coming to them.

I am Huff Po.

I will protest law enforcement initiatives to spy on your innocent tourists, cut off the meager funding that allows you to obtain food and medicine for your children, and disrupt the excercise of your bomb-related freedom of speech.

I will build tunnels under our borders and donate my lawyer's time if you run afoul of America's oppressive immigration laws.

I will eventually consult a dictionary about this "Sharia" thingy of yours, but right now I'm just too busy speechifying on the perils of global warming in my limo, charity dinners, DNC fund-raising pool-parties, the halls of Congress, our national monuments, the radio and television airwaves, and outside the President's ranch.

I will silence any cruel, right-wing criticism that might offend you. Mean-spiritedness is NOT free speech.

I will call in a few favors to assist your Beltway lobbying groups in moderate clothing so that they may air their many legitimate grievances. I will be right next to you shrieking "profiling" or "Islamophobia" if you don't get your way. Or maybe "Bush = Hitler". Man, I can NEVER get enough of that one!

I will put sensitivity above all else. Above safety, my family, my country, multiculturalism... No, wait... not that last one.

I will do whatever you want me to. Because I'm your friend. And I know you would never hurt me.

I am Huff Po.

Hey! What's with that explosive vest?

A short but accurate biography of Fred Thompson can be found in Jane's Tank & Combat Vehicle Recognition Guide.

While he is opposed to gay marriage, Fred Thompson is very compassionate towards gays since, in comparison to him, every man is a flaming homosexual.

It has not been a good day for me so far. First, I went out to steal the neighbor's newspaper as I do every morning, but I had to run back inside when I got shot at by terrorists. Ends up the whole country is overrun with them because the Democrats turned the emergency war funds bill into nothing but pork, leaving national defense to spinach and sugar beets -- who frankly aren't up to the task.

Now the terrorists were clawing at my door. Afraid that one would eventually figure out how to use the doorknob, I called the police. Ends up, though, the police didn't have the funds to come help me. The whole economy has been depressed since Rosie O'Donnell got all the steel mills shut down by calling them liars and claiming they don't actually do anything in them since fire can't melt steel.

Well, I was frustrated. I decided I'd try and relax by having a nice bubble bath with my rubber ducky... but my rubber ducky was nowhere to be found! Ahmadinejad had taken him claiming he had wandered into Iranian waters.

I hope Fred Thompson comes and saves us soon.

Know what would be a great country to have a war with?

According to the Russians, the US is looking for a way to deliver a strike against Iran "that would enable the Americans to bring the country to its knees at minimal cost."

Last I checked, rocket fuel and uranium are relatively cheap.

[Hat tip: NickQueen.com]

Just be glad he's decided you're worthy enough to hear his voice.

Fred Thompson, though, is all about red meat. That sort of commentary may seem easy to come by in the blogosphere, but how often do we see it in our politicians? Even though Fred Thompson may only be saying things we already know, it's such a joyous thing to see this said by someone who may be running for president and actually has a chance to win. What demoralized conservatives need right now is red meat, and Fred Thompson is a butcher with a blood-stained apron.

Now, I'm not saying Fred Thompson is the best thing since sliced bread; I'm just saying he's the best thing since bread. In fact, he's better than bread. If the devil had tempted Jesus to turn stone into Fred Thompson, Jesus would have no response because man can live on Fred Thompson alone.

Why did Jim Webb have someone else carry his sidearm into the capital?

Seriously, what is the Democrats' defense of all the pork such as sugar cane subsidies that were placed on the emergency war funds bill, because I've yet to encounter a defense of it.

Also, has there been explanation of how they came up with the surrender date?

This recent bill has just baffled me with the Democrats' unseriousness more than anything else I can recall.

Instead of mindlessly rushing out to combat them, should Americans ask themselves this question about Democrats: "Why do they hate us?"

Ask Jimmy Carter what he would do if he were Prime Minister, and then do the opposite.

Ryan says the two important questions are who will go home and how Sanjaya will wear his hair. Then Ryan comes out in a faux-hawk wig. I'm not sure who pulled it off better. I give them both an A for effort. Did I just say that? I'm off my game, yes?

They do the recap.

I think if Haley doesn't go home, it will be Chris Sligh. That makes me sad, because he shouldn't be going home yet. But he's been so safe lately. :-(

Bad Ford commercial is "I Fought the Law", and it's actually good! I enjoyed it, anyway.

Blake is safe.
LaKisha is safe.
Phil is in the bottom three.
Melinda is safe. What? Chris R. is making fun of her with the surprised face. That is so cute.
And Chris R. is safe! Yay!
Sanjaya is not being thrown out with the Bath Water, he is safe. Come on, someone had to make the pun. He sang the song, not me.
Haley is in the bottom three.
Jordin is safe.
So it's to Gina and to Chris Sligh. If Chris is in the bottom three, I think my bottom three prediction is 100% accurate tonight. Lemme go check. Yep.

And now we go to break, and Gwen Stefani is going to perform, and Chris and Gina have to sit through it not knowing. Gina gets so emotional.

American Idol "Challenge": Which of Bo Bice, Ruben Studdard, Taylor Hicks was dubbed the "Velvet Teddy Bear"? Hrm. I entered the first week, I should start entering these again so Frank and I can have a shot to go to the finale.

Gwen Stefani is out to perform. Is that Mekhi Phifer with her? A-Con? A-Kon? I don't understand his name, but anyway, he's going on tour with her. You know, I don't enjoy her music most of the time (it's just not my type), and her voice is not my favorite (she stays in that low range almost exclusively), and I don't like the hoo-hah shorts, but--I know I keep saying this--she seems like a genuinely nice person. And she is a true performer, and I love to watch people who love what they do. She oozes that.

Gwen will be back for the AI charity thing next month.

Publix Ginger Ale is $2 a 12 pack this week, and I like Publix Giner Ale. So you know.

Chris Sligh is in the bottom three.

Phil is safe. Now it's Chris or Haley going home. Simon says it's Chris going home. I fear he may be right, but I stick by my prediction.

Chris is going home, and Haley gets to stay. Shame. I'm sad. I hope he gets picked up for TV (American Idol host? Just kidding, Ryan, you know I love you.) or maybe by a Christian label.

Sanjaya and Haley remain, and Chris is gone. But you know what? This means there is something bigger and better in store for Chris and his lovely wife.

Now that Hillary Clinton has received the endorsement of Iowa governor Tom Vilsack, it's been revealed that the Hillary campaign had promised to pay off the $400,000 in debt Vilsack built up during his campaign for the White House. I love this statement at the end of the news story:

The [Hillary] campaign said there is no connection between Vilsack's endorsement and their commitment to help pay off his campaign debt.

As insulting as that statement is to our intelligence, why couldn't Hillary campaign have said:

"The reason Hillary is paying off Vilsack's campaign debt is because whoever is reading this is both stupid and ugly."

It has about the same effect.

UPDATE:

For the record, my endorsement will only cost $100,000.

After a long day of shooting and getting shot at in Iraq, Buck the Marine headed back to camp. When he got there, he ran into the last thing he wanted to deal with... Democrats!

"We're here to support the troops," Harry Reid said with Nancy Pelosi standing behind him smiling her eerie, inhuman smile.

This can't be good, Buck thought but didn't say, trying to be respectful to the things from Congress. They were part of the federal government who paid for the Buck's bullets which he would then deposit into foreigners. "I appreciate the support."

"We have to get something out of it first!" Reid looked Buck over and pointed to the object in Buck's hand. "What's that?"

"It's a Nintendo DS. It has a touchscreen," Buck explained. "When I get bored because there's no shooting, I shoot people on it."

"Well, I want it!" Reid turned to Pelosi. "Let's add to the 'Support the Troops' bill that I get Buck's Nintendo DS."

Pelosi wrote in a notepad. "And I want his DVDs. We'll put that in the bill too."

"Hey! You can't just take my stuff!"

"We're just trying to support the troops!" Reid seized Buck's rifle. "Until we're allowed to support the troops in our own way, you get no funding! That means no rifle and no bullets!"

"But that's what I use to kill for'ners!"

"And take off that body armor!" Pelosi yelled. "We're renting that, but you don't get it anymore until our demands are met."

Buck took off the body armor. "This seems like an odd way to support the troops."

Reid grabbed the body armor. "Are you questioning our patriotism?!"

"No; I'm sorry." Buck thought for a moment. "So, if I give you guys my Nintendo DS and my DVDs, will you give me my rifle and body armor back?"

Pelosi nodded. "Exactly... but we also want $24 million for sugar beets."

"Uh... sugar beets?"

"And $640 million for LIHEAP!" Reid said.

"I don't even know what that is."

"You don't need to." Reid adjusted his tie. "All you need to know is that's part of what it will cost to get us to support the troops."

"I don't have that kind of money; I'm just a simple Marine who likes shooting for'ners."

Pelosi smiled to the point that it looked like her skin was going to snap. "If you want to continue your mission here, you better tell Bush to give us everything we demand!"

"Well... I'll try." Buck was upset, but politics wasn't his job. Shooting foreigners was. "If you get everything you ask for, I can get my rifle back?"

Reid nodded. "Yes, you'll get our support and your funding... assuming you agree to surrender."

"Surrender? To you?"

"No, to... uh..." Reid thought for a moment. "Whoever it is you're supposed to be fighting here."

Buck was starting to get upset. "But I don't want to surrender!"

"Then you get no funding and you'll die here!" Reid shouted. "Muh ha ha ha!"

"Our demands must be met if you troops want any chance to survive!" Pelosi screamed. "Everything we want is outlined here!" She handed a list of demands to Buck.

He scanned through them. "A hundred million in unmarked bills and a fueled helicopter waiting for you! And a list of political prisoners you want released!" Buck glared at the two Democrats. "Are you sure you're not terrorists?"

Reid laughed. "We're Democrats; there's well established precedent of negotiating with Democrats when we threaten the livelihood of Americans!"

Buck shook his head. "I'm never going to understand politics."

Ok, more detailed now. I'll put what I quickie-wrote last night in italics and add the exhaustive tediousness.

Ryan says Gwen Stefani is supplying the song list tonight, which takes away some of my confusion, because I wondered what kind of disaster it would be with only about two contestants having the body and charisma to pull off Gwen Stefani and No Doubt songs. So it's Gwen Stefani, No Doubt, and bands that inspired them like The Police, The Cure, and Donna Summer (?).

I don't normally read anything anyone else has written before I write up my bit, but my initial impressions are already out there and aren't going to change. I thought Gwen Stefani was great. Funny thing is, she dresses and dances like a skank on stage, and if she were an Idol contestant, I would probably have her at the bottom of the list for her skankiness but at the top of the list for her personality. She just seems like a nice person. And on-stage persona notwithstanding, for some reason she comes across to me as a classy broad. I don't know why. Now since I've had my morning Oreos and done my morning reading before writing this, I've read what other people had to say. I don't know why everyone was hating on Gwen last night. I read that she didn't say anything, or that she had no critiques, or just stood there, blah blah. Y'all do get that they had 10 singers in 67 minutes last night, right? Cut in with your standard 87 minutes of commercials and promos for EVIL AT&T Wireless, and you're left with about 60 seconds of song, 60 seconds of judging, 30 seconds of Seacrest blather, and 5 seconds of contestant intro. Oh, not to mention that they now have Inane Viewer Email of the Week to answer and Gratuitous Shot of One of the Nigels "Dancing" in the Audience of the Week to show. So maybe y'all should think about it a little, cut sweet skanky Gwen some slack, and realize that the producers gave her the short end of the stick and probably cut out 95% of what she said and just popped in the quick little sit-down interview. She might actually have coached them while they were at the piano, but since she only got her 5 seconds, they just showed the leopard chair part.

Contestants, feel free to email me if I'm wrong. I know you read here, because some of you take my advice. I promise to keep you anonymous so the producers don't fire you. (sarahk47~at~gmail~dot~com).

Also feel free to email if you know why I got all up on my soapbox (it makes me sound less haughty if I call it a soapbox than if I call it a high horse, right?) to defend Gwen Stefani, who doesn't need my help and probably couldn't care less about AI, despite her proclamations of excitement about most of the contestants. And who wore a sweater that had a picture of belt-suspenders on it.

Moving on. Ok, Gwen says it's not about the voice for her, it's about the contestants' personalities and styles. Kind of like with her. "Don't Speak" is really the only song of hers I've ever thought was one I'd like to sing at karaoke.

A Who's Your Favorite Chickenhawk poll. I have to disagree with the blender and go with Ben.

Ok, we're just watching straight through, I'll have to blog it in the morning, because I dragged my husband out shopping for three hours tonight, so I'm being a good girl and doing a quick watch-through... blah blah blah...

All I have to say right now, though...

Wow, THE GLOCK. She was outstanding, I was so proud of her (ok, honestly I hated the dress, the boots were a'ight, but I LOVED the performance).

Idols 03. Vote it!

Oh my. As I was typing this, Sanjaya walked out with his faux-hawk, as Paula just called it. I hate to say this: it was his best performance even though he forgot the words and had that hair thing going on.

Wow, Haley isn't wearing sleeveless and didn't show her armpits. I almost am tempted to vote for her. Would never do, no, but I'm so thankful about the armpits.

Ok, I'm signing off unless someone else knocks me off my feet.

Vote for THE GLOCK!

UPDATE: Idols 10... Chris Richardson was totally knocking my socks off until he forgot a couple of words near the end. Mouth agape and everything, chest clutcher until then. Chris, please remember, though: the microphone stays at your mouth. If your body bobs up and down, the arm with the mic moves in motion with your head. If you're using a mic stand, you must bob only the body, keep the mouth stationary, or no bobbing. You have quite enough vibrato without leaving out entire notes due to mic loss.

Quick lineup:

03 The Glock. Mwah. I was so happy when I heard your song choice. Perfect song for you, very well sung, heartfelt and emotional. You win tonight. But no more painted on bronze dresses, please. I heart you, but I could have plucked you off the stage and used you to decorate one of my plant ledges with the metallics you were painted into tonight. I hate to even go negative at all on you because I loved your performance so much, and it was your best so far, but I can't not talk about that dress. Say, next week how about "Hello" or "My Immortal" by Evanescence? But I'm not sure you can hit those high notes, so either stay away from those songs, or lower them a couple of clicks.

10 Chris Richardson. See above.

07 Melinda. Don't listen to Simon. The outfit was fine. I love that you dress modestly and don't feel the need to let it all hang out, unlike Baby-Feeder LaKisha.

01 Lakisha. Enough with the baby feeders. We get it. They're gigantic. Do you want us to give them their own zip code or something? Rah rah, you have big boobies. Yay for you. I do applaud that most of the rest of you was covered, and other than that, I liked the outfit. And this was your best performance in weeks. I'm starting to like you again. If you would just do something about your boobs.

WH Phil. Thanks for pinning your ears down. Made you more watchable. Oh, come on, I'm not the only one thinking it, just the only one saying it. Y'all would be thanking me for wearing support hose and girdles if I were up there. Except for a few screechy notes, you were quite good until the end, and then you got all freaky weird when you did your own thang, dawg. That's when it became a gigantic mess, and my face scrunched up in horror. Until then, I had you above LaKisha. I was going to give your number out and everything.

02 Chris Sligh. Sleeping pill. Please throw in at least one vocal backflip in the next performance. I'm giving up on you. I'm glad you got your humor back in the pre-talk, thank you, but what's with the boring vocals? You can't phone it in every week, or you won't last much longer.

09 Jordin - Nice picnic basket you were wearing, Raggedy Ann. Also vocally the worst performance out of her in weeks. If Disney's what you do best, just do Disney. How about "Part of Your World"? You haven't done that one yet. I'm kidding, don't do it. People will laugh at you, and that's one of my all-time favorite Disney songs. You can never live up to the original, or to my singing-in-the-car version. I rock at that song, baby.

04 Sanjaya. Whatever. Stick around. You're growing on us, and you know we're making fun of you. Now you're just there for the laughs, and you know it, and you know we know it, and you know we know you know it. And even Seacrest and the judges are openly joking about it on-air, so as long as no one is pretending that you're there because you're the next Aretha or Whitney or Celine, whatever. I don't care anymore.

08 Blake - What were the judges on about with that boring performance? Even Sanjaya was more enjoyable. Could y'all hear me yawning on the left coast?

05 Haley. I have nothing to say.

Gwen Stefani. Wow, she's beautiful. And very nice. She came across as a class act.

There has been some talk that Fred Thompson used to be for legalized abortion. This is a silly thing to focus on. If it's true, you should all just be grateful that Fred Thompson reconsidered and decided to let you live.

I asked in the last bullet point of this post whether I was out of line, and, on second thought, I was. I based the point on what an American commander had said, but I really am not in any position to question the action of the men in the British military.

Furthermore, making humor on the whole situation is based on the assumption that nothing bad will happen to the captured sailors -- that this is going to be some silly mess like when an American plane went down in the China and the Chinese government detained them (remember those carefree days?). Given the history of Iran, we can't presume to know how this will turn out, though, and time is better spent with well-wishes for those taken hostage rather than ridiculing them.

So I apologize for the post.

Just in case you didn't realize it, Israel's maijuana rights party has declared that pot is forbidden on Passover.

So, girls and boys, that rolling thick smoke coming from under your door... that had better be the Angel Of Death coming to kill the first born of Egypt!

When I published important facts about Fred Thompson, it was a very popular post. Now everyone wants a Fred Thompson candidacy, but Fred Thompson has yet to state whether he intends to run. The reaction by many is to plead with Fred Thompson to run or to talk about drafting him, but you can't force Fred Thompson to do what Fred Thompson does not want to do. Instead of focusing on him, we should focus on ourselves and ask the tough question: "Are we a good enough country to have Fred Thompson as president?"

I don't know the answer to that, but what we can do is improve ourselves so that Fred Thompson may like us enough to be our leader. Here are some tips on what to do:

FRANK TIPS ON IMPROVING OURSELVES SO FRED THOMPSON MAY WANT TO BE OUR PRESIDENT

* Eat Breakfast: Fred Thompson knows that breakfast is the the most important meal of the day. If you don't care enough about yourself to eat breakfast, why should Fred Thompson care about you?

Fred Thompson will not be the president of just any country.

* Clean Your Guns: Guns are an important right, and if you don't care enough about that right to maintain your guns, then Fred Thompson is going to wonder whether you deserve his leadership.

* Mow Your Lawn: Fred Thompson will only be president of a country where people take pride in land ownership. The most visible indication of this is how well you maintain your lawn.

* Drive a Powerful Car: Small, fuel-efficient cars disgust Fred Thompson. Ideally, your car should burn three gallons of gas just starting the engine.

* Use Proper Grammar: Why would Fred Thompson want to lead people he can't even understand?

* Keep in Shape: Fred Thompson is not going to want to be associated with a country full of flabby people.

* Dress Appropriately: If Fred Thompson sees any baggy pants, that could dissuade him from becoming president.

* Get a Haircut: You think Fred Thompson wants to be president of a bunch of hippies? Then you don't know Fred Thompson.

* Keep Informed: If you don't even follow politics, then Fred Thompson doesn't want your ignorant vote.

So, everyone, keep working on improving yourselves and then maybe we'll soon hear that Fred Thompson has decided we deserve his presidency. Even if we're not perfect, Fred Thompson will like the idea that we're trying and perhaps take pity on us. Such is the way of Fred Thompson.

UPDATE:

PJM has now added Fred Thompson as a choice in their straw poll (you can vote on my left sidebar). He better poll well, because Fred Thompson will not enter the race if he feels people take him for granted.

According to Drudge, an aide to Senator Jim Webb was arrested for trying to bring a gun into the Russell Senate Office building. Apparently, Jim Webb -- who has a permit -- keeps a gun in his purse and inadvertently had his aide carry his purse for him. If that's all this is, hopefully this will be cleared up soon. And, since Webb is reportedly pro-gun, hopefully this will push him to help D.C. from being such a bunch of caveman on the issues of guns ("Grr! Magic thunder-stick! Burn the warlock!").

TOP TEN WAYS THE HEAD OF THE SMITHSONIAN INSTITUTION PADDED HIS EXPENSES:

10) After further review, the professional-grade high-definition video project for archiving Native American dances turned out to be a bunch of camcorder mini-DVDs of a junket to Indian Casino for marathon lap dance sessions.

9) Okay, so we can understand one refurbished Patton tank. It's everybody's boyhood dream, sure, but SIXTEEN?

8) Honestly, he didn't realize they already had the JFK assassination limo. Guess that kinda makes his "I'm looking for the real limo" excuse somewhat pointless, right? Although nice touch on the champagne and cigars.

7) Kickbacks received from manufacturer of Al Gore simulation, but let's face it - the darned thing looks so much more lifelike and wastes less energy to operate than the real Al Gore.

6) Let's go over this one more time... just because you're not allowed to give the Hope Diamond to your mistress, it doesn't mean you can expense a smaller substitute to give her for her birthday, got it? And swallowing it's not going to work, either, bub... we're perfectly willing to wait this one out, but you get to wash it afterwards.

5) Ha ha... adding boiling oil and catapaults to The Castle on April 1st was a great April Fool's joke. Nearly split my sides. But when the mailman gets out of the Burn Ward, you're apologizing to him and picking up the hospital bill, you freaking psycho.

4) No, Neil Armstrong didn't say "That's one small step for man, one giant bag full of today's admissions fees for the Secretary of the Smithsonian Institution." Put it back. Now.

3) Just because Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton rob blacks of their hard-earned money, living large on the good life, it doesn't mean you can do it. There's a fine line between public servant and parasite, and you crossed it. But nice try on having that mansion of yours billed as "Add-On Wing To Anacostia Museum."

2) Put. The. Pandas. Back. (But take the leather chaps and lipstick off of them first, dude.)

1) You expect us to believe that the raw materials disappearing from controversial "Pimp My Teeth, Daddy-GW" hands-on activity center at the George Washington exhibit was a case of "They just got up and walked away" right? Oh, and nice solid gold diamond-encrusted shoes there. Take 'em off, or I swear I'll run you through with Merriweather Lewis' hanger, sir!

Ladies and Gentlemen, there is too much division in this country.

Why?

My guess is that we are all too hypersenstive and we take things way too seriously. For example, some protestors recently raised some tempers when they set a soldier on fire - in effigy of course. I mean, if they tried to set a real Marine on fire, you'd see a bunch of dead lefties with bits of granola splattered everywhere.

But I ask you: Is it possible to Support The Troops yet still voice your disapproval at something? Like the protestors shown below?

Of course it is. You can disagree with something yet still express your true feelings.

We at IMAO would like to lend our support to the following causes

With a great sigh of relief - and I'm sure I'm not alone in this - I present the last edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States:

(continued in extended entry)

Since 1979, man has lived in fear of being taken hostage by Iranians. Now it has happened to fifteen British sailors. Tony Blair has declared the matter "very serious" which is a brilliant observation. If American sailors had been taken hostage, on the other hand, instead of observing the seriousness of the matter we would all be demanding huge piles of dead Iranians.

Still, it's much simpler to just not get taken hostage. Thus I offer...

FRANK TIPS TO NOT GETTING TAKEN HOSTAGE

Who knows what he'll do when he gets his tiny hands on you!

* Don't hang out in an embassy in Iran. Actually, anywhere near Iran is trouble. Instead hang out at the embassy in Hawaii as that's a friendly country and much safer.

* Try waving your arms and yelling. Hostage takers are scared of movement and loud noises.

* You can wear a suit made from bacon. While it will reduce Iranian hostage taking, it will increase dog attacks.

* If all else fails, try striking a hostage take on the nose to ward him away. This is how dolphins fight hostage takers in the wild.

* Facial hair -- such as a beard of bees -- can discourage hostage takers.

* Run away in a zig zag pattern; while hostage takers can run faster than you, then can only run in a straight line.

* Now, I'm not a member of the military, so perhaps I shouldn't be critical in this area, but, if you happen to be in the military and our on your own vessel with other members of your military when people try to take you hostage, maybe you should use all those guns you have to stop the hostage taking. Its sorta why you have them. Again, if I'm out of line here, someone tell me.

Although Former Florida Governor Jeb Bush was snubbed by the University of Florida for an honorary degree, he was still granted the immensely-less-impressive honor of being named an "honorary alumnus". Here are some of the other prestigious accolades he's been awarded:

* Honorary Chicago Bears 2007 Superbowl Quarterback.

* Losers Anonymous Lifetime Achievement Award.

* The Jason Alexander "No, Really, I'm More Than Just Seinfeld's Fluffer" Trophy.

* Best Actor for the movie "299".

* The "Seriously, You Don't Look a DAMN thing like George H.W. - Is Michael Moore Your Real Father?" Certificate of Questionable Parentage.

* Honorary Robin from the Justice League of America.

* The Nobel Pathetic Prize.

* Rowdy Frat Boys of America Puke-litzer.

* Boy Scouts of America "Whizzing Out The Campfire" Merit Badge

* Girl Scouts of America "Cookie Queen" Sash

* The Dan Rather "Integrity In Broadcasting" Ribbon.

* The Harvey, RightWingDuck, Cadet Happy, Spacemonkey, Laurence Simon, SarahK, and Aquaman Medallion of Overshadowed Excellence.

* The Congressional Medal of Whatever

Iran now claims that the British Sailors and Marines that it took hostage a few days ago have confessed to invading Iranian territorial waters. Well, assuming this is true - and what possible reason could we have to doubt the Iranians? - you HAVE to wonder what excuse the British government will come up with for being there.

I speculate thusly:

* Trying to unload a shipment of genuine, licensed, "300"-logo burkas.

* Ship's mascot - Fluffy the Cat - needed a litterbox refill.

* Took Carter's advice on how to get a free 444 day vacation.

* Iraq, Iran... you can't catch EVERY typo.

* Helpless to steer away from the seductive, siren-like song of Iranian saber-rattling.

* Tweaking the Iranians noses by showing them what an unsunk Navy looks like.

* Came to deliver humanitarian aid in five megaton increments.

* They simply drifted off course because the ship's navigator was distracted by a piquant cup of Earl Grey.

* Investigating the connection between global warming and camel flatulence.

* Thought there was a big tent sale going on and wanted to take advantage of the low, low prices.

* Responding to Grail-shaped beacon

* Just comin' by to Rock the Casbah, baby!

* Falkland flashbacks. Please disregard.

* Bush said "just give us an excuse". What were we SUPPOSED to do? He paid in crumpets for God's sake!

* Wanted to borrow a cup of crazy from Ahmadinejad.

Wouldn't want to risk inflaming the "Arab Street" ya know.

Of course they support the troops.
In effigy
On fire.

With a rope.
[Warning video also depicts a burning U.S. flag (displayed in the 'in distress' manner) and mindless inane antiwar chanting]

ANNOUNCER: Sir, would you hop on one foot for a Klondike Bar?

DEMOCRAT: Sure! ::hops on one foot::

ANNOUNCER: How about bark like a dog for a rich, creamy Klondike Bar?

DEMOCRAT: Arf! Arf!

ANNOUNCER: Would you spit on the mission of U.S. troops and hold needed funds hostage unless they surrender at an arbitrarily chosen date?

DEMOCRAT: I don't know...

ANNOUNCER: But we're talking about vanilla ice cream covered in milk chocolate. Also, we'll throw in pork projects for your district.

DEMOCRATS: Sure!

ANNOUNCER: What would you do for a Klondike Bar?

I think Best of the Web today covers both sides of the debate about Edwards quite well. I don't feel in a position to question their decision and will keep them in my prayers. If you haven't read all of Dean Barnett's post on the subject, please do so.

Tony Snow is going to have a growth removed from his abdomen as a preventative measures and won't be back to work until next month. He could certainly use your prayers as well. As expected, some people at HuffPo do not think so, but I think it's quite good advice to say that if you ever wish someone evil or celebrate great misfortune upon him or her just because he or she has different political views than you, then you are taking this game of politics way too seriously.

Love converting binary to decimal and vice versa? i know I do. This is your chance to do it against the clock.
Play until your eyes burst!
Mine did after about 15 minutes..

Know who sucks?

Iranian naval vessels on Friday seized 15 British Sailors and Marines who had boarded a merchant ship to search for smugglers in Iraqi waters in the Persian Gulf.

It's being assumed that Iran will claim that it was because the British were operating in Iranian territorial waters, but there's been no official word yet. Which makes me wonder what reason they'll give when they finally speak up. Here are my best guesses as to the reason Iran will give for kidnapping 15 British Sailors & Marines:

* Mistook them for carbon offsets.

* Needed someone to explain that "cricket" thing.

* A simple request to borrow a cup of limes went horribly awry.

* Hoping to trade hostages for nude photos of Queen Elizabeth.

* Looking for helpful tips on how to get some islands back from Argentina.

* Seeking a diagnosis - is this parrot resting, stunned, or pining for the fjords?

* Just a little backsliding in their "don't kidnap the British" 12-step program.

* Desperately searching for insensitive pricks with British accents for reality-TV judging panels.

I love educational videos from the fifties:

Since it's Friday, I thought I'd spread the joy of humor-free, apolitical Friday Catblogging to IMAO (aka "I-MEOW").

I'd make it political, but the shock of Houston Texans quarterback and sack-magnet being told he's on the auction block (despite being clutched to like a binkie blanket last year at the expense of passing up Vince Young) leaves me speechless.

Anyway, it's time for Frisky the Spoiled:

If you're not sure how this absurd scene pertains to IMAO, since IMAO is famous for that "political humor" thing, it doesn't. If you must have some semblance of politics or humor in everything you read here, just assume that Frisky is... um...

Help me out here. Make your suggestions in the comments how this scene is, in fact, a political allegory.

The six catcams are on during the day, every weekday.

Friday Ark #131 is at The Modulator.

Carnival of the Cats is Sunday.

A blue whale can be nearly one hundred feet in length and weigh over two hundred tons. I mention this because that is what I'm going to have ram you at forty miles per hour if you losers ever venture into MY OCEAN!

And yes, blue whales don't usually swim that fast, BUT THEY DO WHEN I TELL THEM TO!

Really, I'm tired of you nothings trying to talk me down. Yes, on land my ability to communicate with marine life isn't of much use. In such of situation, all I have to rely on is my super strength. So go ahead and make fun of me to my face if you meet me in a bar, because all I can do in response is embed your head into a concrete wall (actually, I can use my ability to telephatically control marine life to put you into a seizure, but the smashing your head into a wall is much more fun and satisfying).

By the way, I just slept with your girlfriend. I wouldn't expect her to find you very interesting anymore.

Since nitwits like "facts" about weaklings like Chuck Norris and Jack Bauer, I thought I'd give you some facts about a real hero:

AQUAMAN FACTS

* Batman keeps a ring of kryptonite in a safe in case Superman goes berserk and Batman needs to take him down. What does Batman keep locked away in case Aquaman goes berserk? A gun to kill himself with.

* High tide -- that's Aquaman taking a leak.

* Why does marine life do as Aquaman commands? Because they all can feel pain and fear it.

* Aquaman doesn't swim. He's actually pulled in a current when the water flees him in fear.

* Pangea split into separate continents when Aquaman swam towards it and yelled, "Hey! You're in my way!"

* Scientist theorize that the motivation for fish to evolve legs was so they could flee Aquaman.

There you go. Make your own and trade him with your friends. Time you guys get behind a real winner instead of the politicians you've been supporting as of late.

One last thing: Aquaman, like all real heroes, supports the troops and their mission. If you want to be like the Arthur Curry, support fighting evil. Last time a terrorist waded into the ocean, I had some crabs grab that piece of @#$% and hold him down while a couple clown fish slowly ate his eyes because I'm a sick bastard when I'm mad.

Bad news is bad. Many experts agree on this. However, there is help. That's why it's always good to have a role model, like John Edwards. His wife is once again fighting breast cancer, but he's still out there searching for votes.

DENIAL: During this stage, you are tempted to believe that it can't be happening. It must be a bad test. Maybe the doctor is incompetent. Check credentials. Have you ever met him while chasing an ambulance? Then he must be okay. That means you'll move on the the next stage...

ANGER: How could this happen? Is it the Right Wing Conspiracy? Can we blame Fox News? Anger is a natural phase to go through until you get to...

BARGAINING: Sometimes you just need to strike a deal. Maybe you can talk to God. Maybe you can get the votes and override his veto. You never know. Eventually, you'll realize that you got bad information from Murtha and that you don't have anywhere near the support you thought you had. At that point, your campaign might spin into depression.

DEPRESSION: Horrible tragedy is like having a bad hair day. It seems to leave you feeling all "iicky." Thankfully, this won't last long either because your next phase is around the corner.

ACCEPTANCE: Your quest for power is almost complete. Bad things just happen. Remember the time you ran with John F. Kerry? if you can deal with that, you can deal with anything. The best job in the world is just a few votes away.

**

"MORE COWBELL!"

"The planet has a fever. If your baby has a fever, you go to the doctor. If the doctor says you need to intervene here, you don't say, 'Well, I read a science fiction novel that told me it's not a problem.'"

BTW, if you don't understand the latter part, the science fiction novel he is referencing is Beloved by Toni Morrison.

The problem with his analogy is that anytime he says, "The planet has a fever," people are going to immediately respond, "And the only prescription is more cowbell!" So that doesn't help his cause.

Incidentally, Gore refused to sign a pledge to reduce his own energy usage, so, I guess, if your baby has a fever, that doesn't mean you should stop coughing on him.

Anyway, he needs some better analogies to properly describe how the earth is headed for disaster that will appeal to people in emotional terms (this is a moral issue, not a scientific one). Here are some ideas:

* "The planet is a bag of chipmunks hanging over a active woodchipper by a single weak thread."

* "The planet is a passenger trapped in a speeding car that's going head on into traffic and while being driven by a man with poor vision who is high on cocaine."

* "The planet is a puppy in the house of a very thirsty Glenn Reynolds."

* "The planet is knocked out in the trunk of a car being driven towards the docks by Italian-Americans with ties to organized crime."

* "The planet is a fool for which Mr. T has run out of pity."

* "The planet is an ensign in an episode of Star Trek who you've never seen previously and he's going on an away mission with Kirk, Spock, and McCoy."

* "The planet is a beloved videogame being made into a movie by Uwe Boll."

* "The planet just married Yoko Ono and wants to take things in a new direction."

* "The planet just replaced E.D. Hill with Gretchen Carlson."

* "The planet is an Indian kid who loves to hula who somehow keeps making it through each round of America Idol."

* "The planet is New Coke."

* "The planet is a candied ham sitting in front of a hungry hungry Rosie O'Donnell."

* "The planet is a new game system costing $600 and having no significant launch titles."

* "The planet is a Jew who took a wrong turn and ended up in the middle of Mecca."

* "The planet is small and moving and a cat has spotted it."

If you have some other suggestions for ways to portray the earth is headed for disaster, put them in the comments.

She passed away at the age of forty-nine.

Also, say a prayer for Elizabeth Edwards and her family as it looks like she isn't out of the woods yet.

He is Ryan Seacrest. Did we listen to the judges? I hope not, because they loved Haley in hopes that we would not see her alligator tears. Instead we saw the plant Ashley's alligator tears. Now there's a recap.

Peter Noone is singing "There's a Kind of Hush". Now why don't they have cutesy songs like this anymore? Today it's all about "I wanna give you the good sex baby, uh huh."

The bad Ford commercial is "Another Saturday Night", and the kids are doing their laundry. They're using Surf with the label removed! I know, because I use Surf.

Hey look, Brad Garrett is sitting with the kids between The Glock and Chris Richardson.

Phil, Melinda, and Blake all stand up. None are in the bottom three.
Chris Sligh, LaKisha, Jordin stand up. They are not in the bottom three.
Sanjaya, Haley, and the Glock stand together, and that is crazy scary. The Glock with those two? Seacrest says they are not the bottom three.
Well, one of the above is in the bottom three, because I count nine, and there are only eleven. That's some fuzzy math, Seacrest.
Chris Richardson and Stephanie Edwards stand up and are the bottom two! I was so bad and didn't vote for anyone last night, so if Chris goes home, I feel sad and mad at me. Stephanie is not a big surprise.

American Idol for the Challenged: Which of Fantasia, Paris, and Vonzell has been recently cast in The Color Purple?

Now Ryan is giving a message to corporate America about the big charity event on April 24. Coca-Cola, the evil AT&T, and Ford are the big sponsors. Two out of three not bad.

Lulu is singing "To Sir with Love". I tell you, I thought she was awesome this week working with the chicas. She looks great tonight too. She's fantastic, I love her.

So... Stephanie and Chris. And Stephanie is going home. To the place where she belongs. Where love has always been enough for her. Ok, so I learned one more line of the song.

Obviously, she left too early. What can you do? America has lost their minds, and Sanjaya runs the mental institution.

"Check out my law blog!"

I think I have a great suggestion.

They should hire five attorneys. They should all be powerful in their own right, but, in times of crisis, they combine together to form one super-attorney: Voltron! Defender of the Federal Government!

If I were a juror and I saw five attorneys form into one giant attorney just before the closing, I'm going to side with them. That's just common sense.

"Four years," President Bush said. "Who would have ever thought this war would last four years?"

"I would have thought five," Dick Cheney said.

Bush waved his torch around to light the walls of the underground crypt. "What are we doing here again?"

"Halliburton board meeting."

Bush looked back at the little goat he had on a leash. "Wait a second. You didn't ask me to bring Petey the goat so you could sacrifice him, did you?"

"If you like him so much, we'll let you bring home his head." They came to a large cavern with a number of giant blue flames. The flames grew brighter and out each one emerged a sinister hooded figure. "To evil!" they shouted.

"To evil!" Cheney answered.

"Evil! Yay!" said a young woman.

Bush turned around to see a woman in a business suit with an inappropriately short skirt. He leaned over to whisper to Cheney, "Uh... who is she?"

"We were starting to get some pressure about how all of our board are white males -- the most evil kind of human -- so we went to a number of strip clubs until we found a woman willing to work for Halliburton."

"Wow! A baby goat!" she exclaimed. "Are we starting a petting zoo?"

"You're still not allowed to talk, Candy," Cheney said.

"I just wanted to say I'm getting sick and tired of all you!" Bush shouted. "You guys told me that Halliburton could steal all the oil in Iraq within six months and then you'd blow up the entire country and blame it on Belgium!"

"Who's Belgium?" Candy asked.

"Now it's four years later," Bush continued, "and we're still in Iraq and everyone is yelling at me and telling me I'm a bad President."

"We decided more evil could be done by extending things out," one of the hooded figures said.

"Why?" Bush yelled. "How does that make you any money?"

"Don't forget the Halliburton motto," Cheney said. "'Evil before profit!'"

"We are trying to destabilize the entire region!" stated one of the board. "Soon its famine and pestilence will spread to the rest of the world!"

"Are you guys talking about that thing on TV with all the yelling people and the sand?" Candy asked.

Cheney sighed. "Is it the 'no' or the 'talking' part of your instructions that's given you trouble?"

"If you ruin everything there, then what will happen with our oil supply?" Bush asked.

"We're working on alternative fuel sources," hissed one of the cloaked. "We already have a car that runs on the pain-filled cries of puppies."

"How about a car that runs on cola," Candy suggested. "You can get that pretty cheap at Wal-Mart."

"How is that evil?" Cheney demanded.

Candy slapped her forehead. "Oh yeah. I keep forgetting the evil!"

"Know what? I'm done with you guys!" Bush shouted. "I'm starting to think that you guys are evil, and that's not what I want for administration."

"Fool!" a board member yelled. "You dare defy us! We shall -- OW! THE GOAT BIT ME!"

"I think Petey has it right," Bush said. "We're out of here. From now on, we're only listening to the Zionist conspiracy. You guys are nothing but evil... and a bit slutty. Come on, Petey; let's go back to the White House and pick out some attorneys to fire." He walked away, taking his goat with him.

"That was to be our sacrifice to our master Satan!" a cloaked man yelled.

"Do you think that slutty remark was aimed at me?" Candy asked. "Just because I was a stripper doesn't mean I'm a slut. That's one of those stereo things. We should make him and his family pay for his impotence!"

"'Impudence,'" Cheney corrected her. "This is why I said we should have invested more time in out mind control device instead of picking out a leader we thought would be dumb and easy to manipulate. What do we do now?"

"How about we go have lunch at T.G.I. Friday's?" Candy said. "I know it's not evil, but they have great appetizers."

Cheney shrugged. "Yeah. Sure."

Just a reminder, if we're planning on new missions to the moon, we better nuke it soon as demonstration of our awesome power so that the radiation has time to dissipate. Astronauts already have to pass through the Van Allen radiation belt, so why make things worse for them. The longer we wait to nuke the moon, the more irresponsible it becomes.

Hey, America! You're in control. This is American Idol.

Yes, you're so in control that Sanjaya will sing your favoritest songs tonight. Sing you a little lullaby.

Paula is giggly on her intro. That should be good for seal claps and Paula super crazy factor. Right off the bat, she tells the contestants to picture Simon nude. She admits to Simon that she does so.

Oh bother. It's the '60s night. British invasion work-in, but I'm sure they can sing whatever they want. Peter Noone and Lulu are here. Ok, so let's review. '60s night. Sunday night it took me over an hour to get to sleep. Tonight, I think I'll take an American Idol-brand sedative.

01 Haley Scarnato is singing "Tell Him" in hoo-hah shorts and an armpit blouse. With high-heels. I don't understand the shorts and high-heels thing. And there's a big armpitty high-five. Her entire back is bare. It was so boring and lackluster for me. I can't even snark much, because there was just nothing there. America will forget her by the end of the night. Bottom three without a doubt this week. Standing ovation? Do the people in the audience have buzzers on their seats that require that they shoot up at the end of the song? RANDY: Yo yo, Haley's back, best ever from you (??), definite YO factor, baby! Have my puppies! Haley's back in the competition! PAULA: You had a girlish quality, you flirted, you were adorable, good for you! SIMON: I used the "minx" word on Kellie Pickler last year, so I have to go with you naughty little thing. Young, fun, a little shrieky in the middle, but everyone will talk about a lot more than your singing tonight. SARAHK: You mean the armpits and jiggly bits? And the giant saucers that are hanging from her ears? For me, it went on forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and... you get the point. My eyes are already heavy.

Remember this Fred Thompson fact:

"Fred Thompson once stood on our south border and glared at Mexico. There was no illegal immigration for a month."

If you thought I was making things up, here's Fred Thompson telling us what he thinks about the Mexican government.

Foreign leaders should realize that it's a very bad thing if Fred Thompson knows your name.

Drudge is linking to an article that shows amazing progress in the field of mental health. It turns out that scientists are working on a new drug that can help remove painful memories. As a Doctor myself, I'm always happy to see new medicines come along to offer help and comfort.

I understand some of you are on a budget, or maybe you need relief right away.

May I make a recommendation?

 As I see images of the Iraq war on TV, I can't help but think what a huge waste it all is. So many promises were made before it all started, but they are so hollow now. The other day, I met a soldier returning from Iraq, and I asked him, "What do you think you're doing over there?"

 He told me, "We're helping the Iraqi people become free and secure."

 Of course, I then spat on him. My car doesn't run on democratically elected Iraqis.

 We were told this was a war for oil. That's something I could get behind. It was something I could understand. I pay tax money, and, in return, the government sends rough men out to seize cheap oil on my behalf. It's been four years; we should have sucked the place dry by now. Instead, we were trying to do what? Create a democratic Iraq? It's a war, not a social science project!

 I have heard from numerous troops how much they like helping the Iraqi. Well, I guess it's all well and fine then if they enjoy it. Then again it is on my dime. What do you soldiers think you were given assault rifles for? So you could hand out books to school children? So I'm supposed to sit here at tolerate rising gas prices while my tax money is going to fund the military acting like the international version of the book mobile?

They're foreign. Kill them.

 When the did the military ever get it in its head that it's supposed to help people? The only thing it's supposed to help people do is kick the oxygen habit. We fund our soldiers for one purpose and one purpose only: To kill foreigners. All of them. I don't care what their race, creed, or religion is; if they are foreign, then make them dead. Our sovereignty and our gas budgets are going to always be at risk as long as foreignness are allowed to exist. That's why the founding father formed a standing army and sent them out with but one instruction: Kill! Thus, it should be of no concern to our troops whether a foreigner is free or not free. They should only judge foreigners as dead or not dead.

 Really; there are no shades of gray here. It's just a binary equation. If a foreigner is in state "not dead" then change him to state "dead." If "dead," then move on. It's so simple, an elementary computer program could do it. Actually, there is no reason we can't have robots with quite basic programming roaming the country side killing foreigners; is there like some union for the military that keeps troops from being replaced with machines? If not, just give me some grant money and I'll make you those robots. They'll constantly refuel themselves by eating small children. Then, if anyone complains about the kill-bots, you can just say, "Sorry. We can't do anything about them. They've gone crazy and their out of our control."

 I think that's something people would be proud to have their tax money fund.

Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of such books as "The Chronicles of Dubya Volume 1: The Defeat of Saddam" and "Children Are Our Future of Alternative Fuel".

Your average local news staff.

To accept that, one has to believe an extreme, cartoonish stereotype of liberals. Sure, it's a stereotype based in reality and solid fact -- but its a cartoonish stereotype nonetheless. Thus we... uh...

I was so sure I had a point. Well, I reason through the issues enough already; come up with your own concluding point in the comments.

Previously on 24, Martha Logan stabbed Charles Logan for his past crimes, and when they cuffed her, she said, "What's that for? They should give me a medal." Amen, sista. Also, she and Aaron are together, which is awesome, but he's been relegated to being kind of her errand boy, which makes me like him less, and even though Martha is not with Charles anymore and is with a much better dude, and Charles is the one who made her crazy, she's in a mental institution. Which kinda makes me crinkle my forehead in annoyance. Welcome to Day 6.

That's pretty much all the good stuff that happened last week. Or this season after Jack shot Curtis in the neck.

I guess I'll snark tonight, but not in detail. Are y'all excited? Me almost too.

I don't know who I have to tell that the V-Cast commercials are disgusting and unclean, but again! Nobody is putting his earbuds in my ears. It's my policy.

Ooooh! Jack's gonna find out something about Audrey tonight! I hope it's that she's a terrorist. Or dead. Or underwent electroshock therapy to become not whiny. How 'bout it, science?

More last week on 24: Vice President Noah Daniels has a square face and is a bit power hungry. OH! And last week, when I was snarking this and never finished it, because the show is so boring now, I wrote the following. It's too good not to share with you:

The guy at the Russian embassy who was helping Jack and wearing a red shirt gets killed by the guy who always played an extra named Vasiliy on ALIAS.

I AM SO AWESOME! I JUST HAD A LAUGHING FIT THAT MADE MY MIGRAINE TEN TIMES WORSE! JUST AS I WAS TYPING THAT BIT ABOUT THE GUY WHO ALWAYS PLAYED AN EXTRA NAMED VASILIY ON ALIAS, JACK SHOOTS THAT GUY, AND THE RUSSIAN CONSUL, WATCHING ON SURVEILLANCE, SAYS, "THE AMERICAN HAS JUST KILLED VASILIY. He's in the basement." HAHAHAHAHAHA!

LOL, last week, I named the Vice President "Vice President OTT", and I have no idea what OTT stands for. Anyone know? I apparently did not tell my husband. I was too busy with my laughing fit about Vasiliy to go back and fill in the acronym even once. Anyway, I'm going to call him VPOTT, and maybe one of you will come up with what OTT (yeah, you know me) stands for.

Finally Jack has told Buchanan that Gredenko and bin Diesel are in the Shadow Valley. Doyle lets Jack know quickly that he, not Jack, is in charge. Well, that's good, because when Jack is in charge, Jack shoots Curtis in the neck, and SarahK holds grudges FOREVER and stops snarkage. Jack has internal bleeding. Buchanan tells VPOTT that Gredenko has the drones with the nukes in the SV, yo, and OTT smirks and chuckles, because that (the smirking) solves national security problems.

In the SV, yo, Gredenko is all talking like Jack with the d word and tells bin Diesel that the Americans know where they are. Bin Diesel says hey, now it's Markov's fault that the Americans found us out, and blah blah blah, we're tired of you making us feel like we have little penises. Tonight you Russians are the ones with the tiny wee-wees! Ha ha! It's your faults! Not ours for once! We get to have bigger wangs for once. Gredenko says they need to get out of the SV, yo, now and launch one of the drones right now. His small-peep'd underling says the Americans will shoot it down before it reaches its target -- well, thanks for ruining the ending of the episode for us! -- but launches the drone anyway. They start to move out as the drone launches. Yawn.

Nadia (Yassir) is visibly upset and has caught the 24 whisper disease. Milo asks if she's ok. No, not really. Chloe comes over. She finally had a good line last episode ("I'm feeling ambivalent"), so I have hope for her. She tells Milo and Nadia (Yassir) that she noticed Nadia (Yassir) is doing work under Milo's account. See, I'm feeling ambivalent, too, because I like Chloe because she shot up terrorists in season 4. Yet I like Milo because he blew stuff up in season 6. I have no feelings on Nadia (Yassir), because she has proven herself neither to be a mole nor a mole outer, and all she is is a boring subplot thus far. So it's a conflict between two characters, one of whom I have liked for two seasons longer, but who honestly has started to annoy me this season because she won't just let her ex-husband alone, and because coital bliss is making her a boring character. Anyway, Chloe says she's not doing anything about the noticing, she just wants them to know, because if she noticed, someone else will notice. Chloe's way too nice since Deadger died.

Morris has found the drone, so we have found the plot for this episode. All we have to find out now is whether this nuke is headed for L.A. or... L.A... HAHAHAHA. This show is too predictable. One day the terrorists will learn that Chloe O'Brien lives in L.A. and will decide that maybe she doesn't want to die today. She's like Superman without the Kryptonite weakness. Perhaps they should try Chicago. San Francisco? Uh, I don't know... Miami. Though I'd equally miss any American city, blah blah, disclaimer, not advocating, usual stuff.

Anyway, a shocker occurs! Morris has lost the drone off his little drone map. So we have our problem for the hour. The General on the path to intercept will stay in a holding pattern.

Meanwhile, Gredenko's little-peep'd guy tells G that he has disabled CTU's ability to track the drone. Wily bees! Get it? Drone? Bees? Yeah, me either.

In Washington, where it is after Bisquick's bedtime, Bisquick is in the Bunker telling VPOTT (what does that MEAN?) that CTU lost the drone. VPOTT gets all yelly and interrupts Bisquick to assemble the Joint Chiefs. He tells the peeps assembled in the bunker that he will ask the Joint Chiefs to draw up targets in some unnamed Middle Eastern country (that country Assad was from -- you know, Assad is the dead terrorist that Jack murdered Curtis to save -- in vain, mind you) for his own nuclear strike. I'll bet President Waynewreck would be NOT on board with this. Especially since he's a giant wuss who would have to see his entire country destroyed before he'd even think about retaliation.

I'm torn over this. Not over 24. I'm quite sure it's boring this season. I'm torn over whether I like this whole retaliation thing. On one hand, I'm the viewer, so I know everything going on... plus, I know China's got to have some part in this, the stinkin' Commies... not to mention that VPOTT is so smarmy that I feel like I should go wipe the TV screen at every commercial break to clean the slime off the screen. Icky.

What are phrases constantly heard in the Dancing with Stars changing room?

Seriously, though, SarahK made me watch this tonight before 24, and I had thought the inclusion of Heather Mills was a bad joke. But, upon seeing the show, her segment was tastefully done and -- I'll say it -- a bit inspiring. I honestly could not tell she had a prosthetic leg during her dance number. I guess fake leg technology has evolved leaps and bounds since the introduction of the peg.

I think I stole that from someone. Well, if you don't want your bon mots stolen, don't leave them out so they're easily accessible.

Anyway, I've yet to see 300, but I want to. And, since it has the Iranian disapproval and the Fred Thompson approval, I guess it's a must see (BTW, it's good to see Fred Thompson corrected his dates from earlier today; how can we expect kids today to respect anyone who doesn't know the correct date for battle of Thermopylae?).

According to this site, IMAO is banned in China. Well, two can play at this game. From here on, China is banned at IMAO. If you want to be a Communist, do it somewhere else. Otherwise, the helpful staff here at IMAO will throw you in a prison camp where you'll be forced to go through all my old posts correcting the grammar.

(hat tip to reader Chris D)

NOTE: All "The Js" comics are based on true stories.

Ok, so there's this bunch of loonies that wants to take away my Constitutional right to incandescent light bulbs, and FORCE me to use compact flourescent bulbs, like I'm some sort of commie serf.

Well... I guess I'll go along with it, since they'll shoot me if I don't and this isn't worth dying for. It's not like they're taking away my porn.

Just one question, though:

How am I supposed to operate my Easy-Bake Oven?

UPDATE 3-19-07 9pm:

Reader Guillaume points out that it's not just my Easy-Bake that's in trouble.

The FBI had said that members of known terrorist organizations have tried to get licenses to drive school buses but there is no reason to panic. Because, really, what's to panic about? Extremists controlling a bus full of school children -- how in the world could that be used for terror?

When red lights flash, stop at least fifty feet away from the bus in case it explodes.

To help assuage everyone's completely rational fears, I offer these tips to help kids deal with terrorism:

TIPS FOR KIDS FOR DEALING WITH TERRORISM

* Never trust strangers with candy; only trust strangers with bacon so you can be sure they are not Muslim extremists.

* If you suspect a teacher at school is a terrorist, contact the nearest authority. If you're at a public school, then contact a fellow student since he'll probably have a gun.

* To counter terrorist bus drivers, make sure to watch the movie Speed to see how someone with the IQ of a small child can handle a speeding bus with a bomb.

* If your PE teacher degrades and tortures you, that's normal; it doesn't mean he's a terrorist.

* Just looking for Arabs is an ignorant and bigoted way to try and weed out terrorists. Terrorists can be Persians as well.

* While sometimes indicative of terrorism, a desire to kill lots of children just to prove a point is actually common among bus drivers.

I don't think nuclear weapons should be allowed for public use... even if said use could be interpreted as an exercise of free speech.

via Frank

I read this:

Karl Rove and his manipulative, behind the scenes machinations continue even though he had to resign in disgrace from BushCo. Also, the willing tools of the Republican killing machine, including Karl Rove, with whom they have formed an unholy alliance, Move America Forward, are helping Rove whip a group called "Gathering of Eagles" into a frenzy over something that is not and was not ever going to occur. Okay, I am not sure that Karl Rove started this particular pile of horse pucky, but it sure has his stank all over it, so we are going to pretend for the sake of argument that it was Karl, or someone just like him. BushCo employees Roves like McDonald’s employs fry cooks.

And thought, "This HAS to be Frank J.'s work".

Or at least Scrappleface.

Possibly the Onion.

Turns out it's Cindy Sheehan.

Seriously, if I just cut & paste her crap and posted it under my name, would you have ANY reason to believe it wasn't a joke?

In honor of St. Patrick's day, I thought I'd take the time to share a few items that I made turned up while researching the Emerald Isle:

* In 1998 Danny O'Malley of Dublin created the first internet search engine to specialize in Irish-related information: Alcohoogle.

* Currently, every search term entered returns the Guinness home page.

* To prevent illegal immigration into the country, Irish Border Patrol members guard the country's beaches by hurling empty whiskey bottles at swimmers.

* The Irish possess the most unstoppable Special Forces in the world, which are capable of successfully invading any nation with at least one distillery.

* According to noted zoologist Jonathan Swift, the Irish - unlike rattlesnakes - really DO taste like chicken.

* Ireland has long been famous for the irritable temperament of its inhabitants. It used to be called Angerland, until St. Patrick realized that "ire" was a much more sophisticated-sounding word.

* The national symbol of Ireland is the shamrock. Which used to be called the "samrock", but the new pronunciation quickly took over, since that's how a liquored-to-the-gills Irishman would pronounce it, anyway.

* Another important symbol of Ireland is the hardwood cudgel known as the "shillelagh". Which used to be called a "salay", but changed for the same reason as the samrock.

* In a fight between Aquaman and Ireland, Aquaman would die messily when his dolphin "mysteriously" exploded, with the IRA claiming responsibility shortly afterwards.

* The Irish are a clever and inventive people who are popularly credited with inventing several different types of bar soap. None of which they've been able to sell to France.

* Which really sucks, because France is upwind.

* Before switching to the Euro in 1999, the Irish had a dual currency system, where both Guinness bottle caps and whiskey labels circulated freely alongside each other.

* There was also a brief experimental period with British currency, but - like most things in Ireland featuring the Queen's portrait - the bills quickly became too spit-soaked for practical usage.

* Although the Irish claim to have their own language, it's actually just a form of English that they picked up from watching Lucky Charms commercials.

* Even though Ireland thinks it's better than the US, I think the fact that Americans can dance AND use their arms at the same time proves them wrong.

* While Ireland DOES have a President and a Parliament, the true power rests in the hands of Bono and his mysterious Leprechaun Council.

* Despite the impression given by the Notre Dame mascot, not all Irish are obnoxious, chrome-domed troublemakers. Just Sinead O'Connor.

* Ireland is a country blessed with vast, verdant grasslands. Plants grow well there because of the soil's incredibly high content of organic minerals - a result of the Irish peeing all over the place as they stagger from pub to pub.

* Much like the fabled elephant graveyard, the Irish have a secret bog where they go off to die when they become too feeble to lift a glass.

* In Ireland, starting a fight by punching someone in the face is considered a friendly greeting. Starting a fight by throwing your drink in someone's face, however, is grossly insulting, wastes precious alcohol, and carries the death penalty.

* Only one Irishman has ever won the Tour de France (Stephen Roche, 1987). Although this SOUNDS pathetic, I'm actually quite impressed that they found someone sober enough to sit on a bicycle without toppling over.

* Irish pop band The Boomtown Rats recently scored their first hit single since 1979 with their War on Terror ballad, "I Don't Like Mohammeds".

* Like the US, Ireland's constitution guarantees its citizens the right to free speech. It doesn't do them any good, though, since the only difference between Irish speech and incoherent drunk-dialing is the phone.

* The Titanic was built by the Belfast shipbuilding company, Harland & Wolff. Although the company was eventually cleared of negligence charges for its part in the ill-fated ship's construction, they WERE convicted of giving Leonardo DiCaprio career options beyond "pretty man-whore".

* The first Irishman in America, Paddy O'Tatertot, was also the man who built Notre Dame college and started its legendary football program. This caused the mass immigration of the Irish to America in the late 1800s, as they all wanted to see this union of the two best aspects of their country - devout religion and open-field brawling.

* Ireland's 1996 Olympic Gold Medal swimmer, Michelle Smith, was banned from the sport in 1999 for substance abuse after her urine sample was found to contain enough alcohol to qualify for a proof rating.

* Sad thing is, that last one was completely true. Personally, I don't think it's fair to test the Irish for alcohol. It's like testing SpongeBob for seawater.

HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY!

It's no "It's Pat", but this movie is definitely worth seeing. Fox inexplicably killed what what would have been a slightly above average comedy, and condoned it to "direct to dvd" status. It's better than that. If you like "Office Space" or you should definitely see this.

original

It's Friday, so it's time for the wire services to post the non sequitur non-news story of Mahmoud Abbas praying at a mosque.

However, this week's different... this week we're going to start a new feature called:

So, from Mahmoud Abbas' expressions, can you tell what Mahmoud Abbas is praying for?

Is it:

a) He's worked too hard and slept with way to many producers for this, dammit. It's the center square in Ramallah Squares or nothing!

b) Sure, "Allah Says" is fun, but one day ... just one day, can't we play "Spin The RPG" ?

c) Bawk!

or

d) NONE OF THE ABOVE

Put your guesses in the comments.

Since it's Friday, I thought I'd spread the joy of humor-free, apolitical Friday Catblogging to IMAO (aka "I-MEOW").

Can't think. Full of Cajun food. Brain clogged with spicy, fattiness.

Anyway, it's time for Nardo the Flippykitty:

If you're not sure how this absurd scene pertains to IMAO, since IMAO is famous for that "political humor" thing, it doesn't. If you must have some semblance of politics or humor in everything you read here, just assume that Nardo is... um...

Help me out here. Make your suggestions in the comments how this scene is, in fact, a political allegory.

The six catcams are on during the day, every weekday.

Friday Ark #130 is at The Modulator.

Carnival of the Cats is Sunday.

From Houston's EATAPETA gathering at Rajun Cajun:

Answer below the fold...

The biggest on-field question surrounding Bonds this season is whether he will hit the 22 home runs he needs to break Hank Aaron's career home run mark of 755. Bonds said he didn't know if Aaron would be on hand if he's in position to break the record and wasn't about to predict when that milestone homer might come.

Bonds said he would have probably broken Aaron's mark if not for the knee injuries that limited him to 14 games in 2005 and slowed him down for much of last season as well.

Identify the Janus-faced pig:

We at IMAO agree with the principles set forth by Texas Governor Perry. It’s time to put aside petty politics and do the things we need to protect our children. That’s why today we’re here to ask you to join us in a worthwhile cause. You see, it’s easy to say, “Well, my children won’t engage in THAT type of behavior so what risk do they really run?” But we never know, do we? Sometimes kids can be innocent victims, other times, they’re lured into that lifestyle by that crazy music.

That’s why today we’re asking you to sign a petition to enforce a new law.

The Every Student Wears A Bullet Proof Vest Program.

Yes, we can hear you with your typical blather and objections.

“I don’t believe in guns.”

Or “I don’t believe in guns before marriage.”

Or “Will this vest make me look fat?”

But that doesn’t matter. The horrible reality is that science has not yet developed a cure for a bullet to the heart. Maybe one day we’ll have a cure for this developed by leading scientists or Al Gore, but that’s decades away from happening.

Yes, we must protect our kids. Furthermore, We’re tired of all these kids shooting other innocent bystander kids. Violence, like sex, is a deep primal urge. It is foolish - and a violation of free speech - to try to control this urge. Rather, much like sex education, we should teach kids about these urges and how to carry them out responsibly. For example, very few schools have classes in Marksmanship. Why? Probably because of the Radical Religious Left and their uncontrolled “riflephobia.” Yet how many senseless deaths could have been avoided if we had taught proper trigger control? .

Our high school kids need help and special attention. Otherwise, most of them will get distracted and start doing things they shouldn’t really be doing – like homework. So enough with the obstruction to these programs. The vests, the marksmanship – these things will help stop the senseless loss of innocent life.

Here’s how the program works.

Students are issued bullet proof vests. They wear the vests everywhere kids hang out – school, the mall, myspace. If they get shot in the vest, it saves their lives, which of course if the purpose of our amazing program. Students are issued a new vest when it gets too full of bullets or the student gets too fat. Vests would be available in designer colors and styles.

Now, some parents may want to abstain from this program for religious beliefs. I say No Way! Some ideas are just too silly.

Please.

Do it for the children.

Let's see... a television reporter holding a cat during a live shot, and...

IM IN UR ARMZ, SLAPPIN UR FACE

Yes, it's the day you've been waiting for: It's International Eat A Tasty Animal For PETA Day.

Since Deskmerc takes Thursdays off now, I went to lunch with another carnivore looking to celebrate EATAPETA 2007.

We ate at the same place Deskmerc and I ate last year... a hickory BBQ kind of place just down the street.

Coworker has a half-pound burger, and I had chicken-fried steak.

Yeah, I'm going to have to limit myself to a pound of crawdads tonight... but at least I'm getting exercise by walking to and from the restaurant, right?

What animals are you eating today?

If y'all have photos needed to be added to the gallery, send them to peta (at) isfullofcrap.com.

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed has confessed to planning 9/11. I guess we can finally put that ugly episode behind us.

That's great timing for the Democrats, because they were really afraid that terrorism would still be an issue in 2008. Anytime Americans are concerned about serious issues, it's bad news for Democrats in the polls. Where Democrats excel is piddling crap issues, and now it's time to promote those to the front for their presidential run.

POSSIBLE BIG ISSUES FOR DEMOCRATS IN 2008

* Potholes: While spending all its time and money on terrorism, our roads have been neglected. Isn't a bumpy ride the real terrorism? Democrats vow to fill potholes with whatever it is is supposed to go in them. Possibly tar.

* Teenagers: While fighting foreign enemies, the domestic one, adolescents, have gotten even bolder. They are now hanging out in front of an increasing number of businesses and wearing increasingly dumber looking clothing. Democrats vow to ask them to hang out somewhere else, and they won't easily take "No" for an answer.

* Cold Hands: To fight cold hands, Democrats vow to fund mitten awareness. They think this problem can be eliminated by 2015.

* Lost: The American people have lost faith in the show Lost, and polls show that the majority now believe that a satisfying conclusion to the show is impossible. Democrats vow to get the cast of Lost off the island and to put a new reality show about singing and dancing in the time slot.

* Global Warming: It's getting warmer, and it's time to do something about that before... uh... it gets warmer than we'd like. The American people can rest assured that Democrat leaders are sitting in their 80,000 room homes with all the lights on (to scare away ghosts) thinking of solutions and buying carbon offsets to help save the world.

* Barking Dogs: While stuck in an illegal war, dogs have continued to bark, their pleas going unheard. Democrats vow to find whatever it is that the dogs are barking about and appease them.

What problems do you have that you want Democrats to campaign against?

If we could eat global warming, what would it taste like?

I think it would be buttery, but I don't know if that's the scientific consensus.

Hey, homos; it's Aquaman!

After my last post, I feel the need to clear up a few misconceptions. First off, it's true that I beat up Nazis along side that wuss Captain America. Yes, he's Marvel and I'm DC, but that's just politics involving publication rights. So, not all my adventures get the press they deserve, but that's okay; I'm not same glory-hog like certain men in tights.

Second, some of you seem to feel the need to question my sexuality. That's a little thing called "projection."

If that was too subtle, here it is again: You're the one who's gay.

In fact, this has to be the gayest site around because, judging from the comments, all the readers here are completely flaming.

Thirdly... well, I guess I should say something political...

Oh, I know: Guess who else is gay? Fred Thompson. Of course, he's not as gay as this whole love fest going on here. I guess you guys will eat up any homo-erotic Chuck Norris facts ripoff.

Hey... that gives me an idea to build up popularity for a comeback...

Anyway, one final thing: Just because you're in the ocean doesn't mean you can pee anywhere you feel like it.

Hi. Welcome. Ryan is so proud of the "come out of the closet" script with Simon last night that he wants you to see it again. Also a replay of The Children™. Tonight they are doing a dreaded Diana Ross medley that starts with a crazy-eyed Phil staring at Brandon or someone equally forgettable. Please make it stop. My head is KILLING me.

Here is the first awful Ford commercial. The kids are so pleased with themselves. Was that Bo Bice or Chris Richardson at the beginning? The song is "Float On". Float away.

LaKisha is safe.
Gina is safe. Yay!
Brandon is in the bottom three.
Jordin is safe. She is very smiley.
Chris Richardson has many fans in the audience. He is safe.
Melinda, also many many fans. She is safe.
Phil Stacey is IN THE BOTTOM THREE! Wow, I kinda didn't see that one coming.
Chris Sligh is safe. Yay!
Stephanie is safe.
Blake has many fans. He is back next week, safe.
We'll find out if it's Haley or Sanjaya in the bottom three after the break. I'm telling you, it's Sanjaya.

American Idol for the Challenged question: Which Idol did Simon predict would sell more albums than any other? Kelly Clarkson, Carrie Underwood, or Taylor Hicks. Y'all, I'm sure it was Taylor. Simon thought Taylor was the bestest Idol ever.

Diana Ross is out to perform. She is in a long ruby dress with this giant feather shawl that she carries behind her to look like a butterfly until she starts to sing, then she holds it to one side, then she gets tired of it and throws it on the floor. She's classy and flashy and insists that the crowd sing along to "I Love You More Today Than Yesterday", a song which she does not pronunciate. Ryan asks Diana three times who is going home tonight, and after she talks about inspiration, he asks, "Who's going home?" and she says, "You know what? Me." She's adorable with all that wild hair.

After the break, SANJAYA!! joins Phil and Brandon in the bottom three. Haley can't believe her schmucky tears got her to the safety couch. So there is justice, somewhat, and the bottom three is an all-male stinker.

Right away, Ryan sends Phil and his hinky bald head back to safety. His wife is so happy. Phil just looks ticked off that he was even in the bottom three to begin with. Like it's a chore for him to walk back to safety. I'm sure Brandon would love to take your spot on the couch. How about a smile and a thank you, Smarmyface? Now I like him even less. That's like negative like.

So it's Sanjaya and it's Brandon. I still say Brandon is going. And Brandon is out. Sing it with me. He's going home to the place where he belongs. La la la la la a la la la la la laaaaaaaaaa. I only know the first line.

Over at RightWingNews, I read about the newest abortion sympathy cards offered online.

What do you offer a mother who just killed her unborn child? An E-Card of course!!

Which leads me to launch the creation of new IMAO cards.

Here's my newest character just for right wing causes.

Jiggy!

Why is the MSM going apoplectic over the firing of nine U.S. Attorneys (who serve entirely at the President's discretion), when President Clinton fired 93 of them in one fell swoop when he went into office for no reason other than that they were appointed by Republican Presidents?

ABC refuses to acknowledge Clinton's mass firings at all, while NPR has "experts" on who lie about it.

Was it because of the lack of Spartan breastplates? Was it because they enjoyed the lack of Spartan breastplates?

Was it because it makes Democrats appeasers look bad? Appeasee's hate it when appeasers get ridiculed.

Maybe it was the ticket prices. Long lines at the concession stand? Popcorn too salty?

Wait just a minute. How have Iranians even SEEN this movie? It just got released in the states. One almost gets the feeling they know the story and are mad because its probably accurate.

"Mr. President, what's going on?" Tony Snow asked.

"Shh!" Bush held a knife ready to cut a rope that came through the window of the Oval Office. "I'm trying to drop a piano on Chuck Hagel. This took a lot of time to set up, so don't screw it up! I even had to convince the staff I wanted a new piano and the only way to get was to bring it up through the window here."

Tony looked around. "They took out a wall."

"Yeah, and then I had to set up a dummy corporation, get it listed on NASDAQ, rough it through a trouble quarter, and finally get enough credibility that I could have it offer a humanitarian award to Chuck Hagel that's about to awarded to him right below this piano."

"Did this corporation have any employees?" Tony asked.

"It won't tomorrow." Bush watched out the window. "Now!" He sliced the rope and outside there was a loud, musical crash followed by a scream. "Aww... I only got his leg." He closed the window. "Well, I did my best. So, did you need something, Snowman?"

"Well... there's... um... you know there's a huge crowd gasping in horror out there?"

"There pretty much always is. Just ignore them. Now spit it out, Tony."

He held out some papers. "There's some domestic business to handle--"

"What?! Haven't I done enough presidenting for one week?! I thought this was going to be about ice cream?"

"Um... ice cream?"

"Yeah. Like maybe you had some ice cream for me."

"Huh?"

Bush sighed. "You are so stupid, Snowman. So, what is this domestic business?"

"Well, apparently, when you last visited Mexico, you left the gate open when you came back and a ton of Mexicans flooded in."

Bush laughed. "Yeah, I 'accidentally' left it open. There's nothing I love more than flooding this country with Mexicans. Know who I hate, Snowman?"

"The American people?"

"Yep. They're whiny."

Harry Reid stormed into the room. "We Democrats have our new plan for your war." He slammed the plan down on Bush's desk.

Bush looked the plan over. "This isn't a war plan! This is a losing plan!" Bush leaped over the desk and grabbed Reid. "I told you I don't want to hear anymore of you Democrats and losing!" He started slamming Reid's head into the desk over and over while screaming, "No losing! No losing!" After a few seconds, he stopped and looked at Tony. "Slamming his head into the desk just isn't working anymore. I think I need to slam the desk into his head. You hold him still on the ground and then I'll push the desk over on top of his face."

Reid struggled free and ran away. "You're crazy! You even tried to hit Nancy Pelosi with a car!"

"I thought she was a muskrat!" Bush shouted back. "If you ever come here again to talk about losing, I'll murder you dead!"

"I don't think that's the way to get bipartisan support, sir," Tony said.

Bush sat back behind his desk. "I'm going to flood Nevada with Mexicans; that will teach him."

Tony noticed a weird device on a shelf. "What's this?"

"I heard all about this thing called global warming," Bush explained, "so I bought that to measure my carbon footprint."

Tony looked at it more careful. "The meter is all the way at maximum."

"Yeah, I was burning tires in here earlier. Carbon is important for life, you know; we're carbon-based lifeforms."

"I had heard that. Anyway, Mr. President, what should we do about the new flood of illegal immigrants?"

"The usual. Give them the jobs of hardworking Americans and tell anyone who complains to stop hating brown people."

Tony sighed. "I love press conferences." He slowly walked out of the Oval Office.

"Next time you come back, make sure you have ice cream!" Bush went back to reading his comic books. "Idiot."

Is everybody watching now?

Really? You chose tonight to start watching? Tonight? Because see, it's Diana Ross night, which means there will be a lot of bad disco and Motown song choosing, and you just might want to die by the end of the night. And not in a good way. Lock up your guns. Mine are in the safe. Ok, not really, but Frank is next to me, and I have faith in him and in my lazy butt. Really. They never pick good songs. They pick the overdone ones that I can't even bear to hear the names of anymore.

The band now has strings and winds, and there's a bigger stage, per usual top 12.

Simon is in a white t-shirt tonight instead of his normal charcoal sweater. No, Simon, those go under the clothes. The judges say their normal blah blah blah about this stage of the game.

Oh no. Diana Ross says she's not a critic. She wants to be the trusting voice and the supportive voice. I liked it when we had David Foster. Wasn't he the one? The one who came in and said that the kids would have been kicked out of his studio? I liked that one.

01 Brandon Rogers is out. He is singing "Can't Hurry Love". I kick you out for selecting the most covered song ever ever. Diana Ross told Brandon to go to his center, his hard place. Wow, his voice just cracked in major fashion. I don't think that was the Tivo. I don't think the hip swinging is going to save you. OH NO! First one out of the gate, and he forgot the words. No no no. Forgot the words to the most overdone song ever. RANDY: Boring, reverted back to a background singer, but your last two notes were like a front singer. PAULA: It's not easy. I know it's nerves. We don't need to tell you what you did wrong. SARAHK: You're the judges. You're waiting for me to tell him? You're waiting for him to look up IMAO when he wakes up in the morning? PAULA: There's a lot you do right. SIMON: Complete letdown, predictable, terrible dancing, forgot the words, no originality, no star quality, came across as a background singer for a background singer. Not good enough, sorry. SARAHK: Yes. That. And I kick you out for song choice alone. Bad Brandon. Bad. Your only hope is if Sanjaya's inexplicable fanbase has been eaten by the boogie monsters under their beds in the past week. And there's always the Queen of the Armpits. You were all bad tonight.

02 Melinda Doolittle. Oh, we're to answering inane viewer email, are we? Cute, maybe I'll send one. What's your favorite color, Ryan? Pink? I knew it! Melinda says the high heels and dresses are the hardest part of the show, and that's something we've heard before from a prior contestant, because it sounds familiar. Anyway, Melinda loves sweats and tennies. Me too. RYAN: Simon, what can you tell her about the high heels? SIMON: You should know, Ryan. RYAN: Stay out of my closet. SARAHK: Thou sayest. SIMON: Come out! SARAHK: Boo-yah. FRANK J.: That was too easy. RYAN: This is about the competition, not your wishes, Simon.

Melinda is all very face-covered-uncomfy during the exchange, but it's a cute back-and-forth, and I especially love how Simon says what I think sometimes. It's fun, our scripted ESP.

Anyway, Melinda is singing "Home" from The Wiz. Proudly, I can say I've never seen that movie all the way through, and I've never heard the song, at least not to my recollection. This is to the advantage of any contestant. If you're saddled with Stevie Wonder night or Motown night or whatever awful theme night they plague my ears with, the least you can do to give yourself a chance is pick an obscure or vague song and sing it well. Trick it up, but don't go crazy. Change a few bars or something. Don't do what Blake did later in the show tonight. That was a mess (sneak preview!).

Anyway, she is modestly dressed, I like that. She does always kind of come across in her dress as a cross between a 1950s housewife and a businesswoman. Does that make sense? It's way better for me than most of the rest of the attire going on here, mind you, because it's modest. Don't get me started, I can go on for hours. Maybe it's the color she is wearing tonight, the very bland black/white/greyish denim thing. But she always looks nice, attractive, and like she respects herself, and I appreciate that and thank her for that.

Oh yes! The singing. Fantastic. I voted for her like ten times. And look, she is crying when she gets the big standing ovation from the crowd. But barely. Just tearing up a little. RANDY: Hot hot hot! Girls 1 Boys 0! SARAHK: Oh YES! PAULA IS OFF HER NUT TONIGHT! SHE'S BAWLING ALREADY, AND IT'S ONLY THE TOP TWELVE! Paula is all-out crying, I am rejoicing. PAULA: Margle wurvy woozy head. Wuv you goo goo! (Simon is laughing.) SIMON: Melinda, why are you crying? (This is in a patronizing tone. I loooove it.) MELINDA: Something incoherent because remember she can't speak directly after singing so powerfully. She's incapable. Especially of saying "thank you". SIMON: You made a very boring song fantastic. You remind me of a young Gladys Knight. FRANK J.: Who? SARAHK: Tell me you're joking. FRANK J.: Gladys who? SARAHK: I'm going to hurt you if you don't tell me you're joking. FRANK J.: Yes, I'm joking. SARAHK: Melinda, it was fantastic. When are you going to thank the judges for the praise? Please? Just for me?

03 Chris Sligh. Haha, he says to Diana Ross that they have the same hair. What? "Endless Love"? Yes, well, I guess there weren't four decades of music for you to pick from, then, were there? But it is Diana Ross night, so what are you to do? I don't like him without the glasses as well, because it seems like he's trying to lose his look a little? The hair went shorter last week, the glasses are off this week. What next week, he starts dressing like Seacrest? Chris, you are who you are, and we like you. BTW, we'd like the humor back. There was a hint with the hair joke with Diana (listen to me call her Diana, we're old friends), keep it coming. "Endless Love", I'm so worried about it, though. Shouldn't I be? I guess we'll see.

This is... interesting. I'm not saying that in a bad way. I had my face all crinkled the whole song, but just because I was trying to make up my mind. He's got a piano rhythm playing in the background that's very familiar, like a Coldplay song. "Yellow", maybe? I don't know which. Anyway, but he's doing the song in that beat, with drums, and I am not once thinking of Lionel Ritchie during this, which is a wondrous thing on any American Idol night. Say it with me, class: "We should never invoke Stevie Wonder, Lionel Ritchie..." I could go on. The vocals are fine, nothing spectacular, but good. I like him and want him to stick around, so I voted for him ten or so times, even though it probably only deserved one vote if that. It was weird, but much better than at least four others tonight, so I have no shame in voting for him so he can stick around. RANDY: You had that Coldplay "Speed of Sound" vibe going, and you don't have to trick stuff up. Sometimes just sing because you have a good voice. Don't worry so much about style and sing your heart out. That was a mess for me, dawg. PAULA: Sometimes I worry that you're trying to be ultra-hip and ultra-cool. Worry less about trying to be contemporary. SARAHK: Paula, sometimes I worry that you try to be ultra-hip and ultra-cool, like when you try to use the words that the kids use. 'Cept they'd probably say Chris is ultra-rad and gnarly, dude. SIMON: You murdered the arrangement. You took a beautiful song and did very bad things to it. SARAHK: You made Chris Sligh sing a Diana Ross song. And one week, you're making him sing J-Lo. Step back, or I'll cut you. SIMON: It was unemotional, uninspiring, and I would keep your glasses on. RYAN: Did you think you would ever be on a stage singing Diana Ross? CHRIS: Yes, Ryan, because the American Idol producers have proven year after year that they despise SarahK and want to make her life miserable. I think the judges didn't like my arrangement more than they didn't like my vocals, so hopefully next week I don't screw up the arrangement in their eyes so badly. SARAHK: Yeah, that's probably a good assessment. FRANK J.: They tell them to take risks, and then they tell them it's not ok to do anything to the songs. SARAHK: And they have Diana Ross night on American Idol.

Yahoo News

I didn't think anything could make me long for Stevie Wonder night . . . until Diana Ross night.

Marine Gen. Peter Pace recently said that he disapproved of allowing gays in the military because he thought homosexuality was immoral. If he had his way, what other changes would he make to the US Armed Forces?

9) Change the female uniform to that miniskirt & leather boots combo they had on Star Trek.

8) Less talkin', more killin'.

7) Recalibrate terribly inaccurate journalist targeting system.

6) Fix that annoying squeaky wheel on his desk chair.

5) Get rid of the big, flaming homos.

4) No small, sparking metros, either.

3) Iran = nuclear free-fire zone.

2) Improve diversity by raising recruitment quota for Spartans.

And the number 1 thing Gen. Pace would do to improve the military:
(see extended entry)

Dear Mexico,

How's it going? I hope you are fine. We are very sorry that you are upset over our recent border incursion. It turns out that there was like this really big fire and we needed to put it out and stuff.

Sure, we crossed your border illegally, but we pretty much did what your people do every day. Remember, we did it because our people needed the work and had families back home they had to feed.

Ha ha. I made a little running across the border joke. Get it?

Anyway, I'm sure you will notice a few differences:

1. None of the forest service workers stayed to have babies with the hope of seeking Mexican Citizenship.

2. We are not asking any of your Mexican employees to learn English. If that offends you, please call our complaint line. Press 2 for Spanish.

3. Did you notice we left right away? Did you notice the part about not demanding free education or health care?

Again, we're sorry if our recent incursion across the border bothered you. Next time there is a fire, we'll be sure to send the firefighters in the most appropriate vehicle possible: In the back of a refrigerated trailer.

Thanks

America.

P.S. Please note that we used our water because yours would give our shrubber the runs or something.

So, is ISO1: "Ungh. Wheel round. Wheel roll."

Or is it "Rub sticks. Make fire! Fire burn! Fire!"

Why do I ask?

No reason in particular.

 There is a growing menace in our country, one greater than anything else we face. This group of people is a continuing threat to our way of life. They are inhuman beasts and incapable of restraint. I am speaking of course of celebrities. They have great power and great irresponsibility, using their influence to further the cause of stupidity and licentiousness while going on crazed, drug-addled rampages. They think that, because of their power, they are above the standards of normal people. They are a continuing and growing danger, and that's why we have to give celebrities the attention they warrant.

 The first step is a Celebrity Registration Act. It will put into law that all celebrities must register with either the government or People magazine. The public must then be notified whenever a registered celebrity is coming to their town or mall's opening. Registration is only the first step, though. Next, they must be monitored. The most dangerous celebrities should be followed with cameras at all times, their every move recorded and broadcast to a concerned public. More minor celebrity threats only need be monitored periodically in a "Where Are They Now" segment on a cable channel.

To make tracking easier, celebrities should be simple code designation made from from character strings such as "J-Lo" or "K-Fed." Tracking results should be published weekly in journals made available to the public at the library or in the check-out line at supermarkets. For especially concerned citizens, they should be able to have those journals delivered to their home at substantial savings off the cover price.

When celebrities step outside the law or befall tragedy, it is most important that all Americans hear about it. Repeatedly. Such news should have precedence over anything else that is happening either domestically or foreign. Nothing should concern us more. All aspects of any surrounding trial should be scrutinized publicly, and any tidbit about it -- no matter how minor it seems -- should be shared with the American people. To help reform celebrities, certain out of the way places should be designated to allow them to detox. Only under these special conditions can monitoring of a celebrity cease.

Because of the menace and vile influence of celebrities, their coupling is of great concern to us. If any are to marry, we must know immediately and be allowed to see photos. No celebrity marriage should ever be allowed to happen in secret. Of even greater importance is whether celebrities have children, creating and even more vapid generation of celebrities to come. Thus, if video is ever found of one of them engaged in the act of reproduction, it should be made available on the internet at once. When one produces spawn, pictures of the baby must be made public as soon as possible... even if the said pictures cost millions. Also, whatever weird alien name celebrities give their children should be put in the news over and over until we know the names better than that of our own kids.

The threat of celebrities can only be diminished if we pay them constant attention. That's why everything I propose should be put into effect yesterday. Also, celebrities should have to respond to my e-mails.

Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of such books as "The Chronicles of Dubya Volume 1: The Defeat of Saddam" and "The Big Book of Famous Celebrities You've Never Heard Of".

I've made some progress in my project to nuke the virtual moon in Second Life.

I acquired a parcel of land on SoHo Island for my weapons development program.

Since it's kind of hard to build a fully-functional nuclear-capable space missile without people noticing, I needed a way of concealing a 90-meter multistage delivery vehicle.

The obvious choice:

A 100-meter tall clock tower made entirely of matzoh and jelly sealant.

The four clockfaces represent the four major time zones of the United States. I thought about having one for the moon's time zone, but what's the point - it's going to get nuked, right?

I figure that when I get a decent fuel source for the missile, I'll target the virtual moon and let this sucker rip.

Spacemonkey's working on the formula, but all we come up with is "some of them wicked moonshine" each time that leaves us dizzy, blind, and married to our cousins when we sober up.

Until then...

Might as well throw some traffic to my evil master, FrankJ, right?

I'll post some interior shots of the clock tower with the missile concealed inside in a few days.

Gotta get the hot tub filled with matzoh ball soup delivered and installed first.

Really fast.

Into a brick wall.

While the IMAO podcast is still MIA, I'm going to keep posting the latest uncut Fun Facts About The 50 States - hopefully on a weekly(ish) schedule.

(continued in extended entry - with bonus material)