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March 31, 2007
A Marine Needs Your Prayers
Posted by Frank J. at 08:03 PM | Email This

Marine Corporal David Emery Jr. ("DJ") was severely wounded in a suicide attack in Iraq. He is in critical condition and has a baby daughter on the way. Please go read about him at Blackfive and keep him in your prayers.

Rating: 2.5/5 (26 votes cast)

Comments (4)
Kitty AI
Posted by Frank J. at 03:13 PM | Email This

If you're planning on making a robot cat and need artificial intelligence programming for it, I give you this source code free of charge:

const char* KittyObserveObject(object observed_object)
  if(isSmall(observed_object) && isMoving(observed_object))

That should cover about 90% of it.

Rating: 2.4/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (7)
I Am Huff Po
Posted by Harvey at 01:50 PM | Email This

You may have heard of Michelle Malkin's "I Am John Doe" project, where people are asked to get onboard with the John Doe manifesto - which puts Muslim terrorists on notice that Americans will be watching them carefully and will be taking them down hard if they even LOOK like they're going to try any splodey-dope crap.

Personally, I don't think they deserve any notice, because then they won't get that hilarious, fish-faced surprised look when they suddenly discover they're getting the crap kicked out of them, but Michelle's aways been soft on terrorism like that.

Anyway, here's the manifesto:

Dear Muslim Terrorist Plotter/Planner/Funder/Enabler/Apologist,

You do not know me. But I am on the lookout for you. You are my enemy. And I am yours.

I am John Doe.

I am traveling on your plane. I am riding on your train. I am at your bus stop. I am on your street. I am in your subway car. I am on your lift.

I am your neighbor. I am your customer. I am your classmate. I am your boss.

I am John Doe.

I will never forget the example of the passengers of United Airlines Flight 93 who refused to sit back on 9/11 and let themselves be murdered in the name of Islam without a fight.

I will never forget the passengers and crew members who tackled al Qaeda shoe-bomber Richard Reid on American Airlines Flight 63 before he had a chance to blow up the plane over the Atlantic Ocean.

I will never forget the alertness of actor James Woods, who notified a stewardess that several Arab men sitting in his first-class cabin on an August 2001 flight were behaving strangely. The men turned out to be 9/11 hijackers on a test run.

I will act when homeland security officials ask me to "report suspicious activity."

I will embrace my local police department’s admonition: "If you see something, say something."

I am John Doe.

I will protest your Jew-hating, America-bashing "scholars."

I will petition against your hate-mongering mosque leaders.

I will raise my voice against your subjugation of women and religious minorities.

I will challenge your attempts to indoctrinate my children in our schools.

I will combat your violent propaganda on the Internet.

I am John Doe.

I will support law enforcement initiatives to spy on your operatives, cut off your funding, and disrupt your murderous conspiracies.

I will oppose all attempts to undermine our borders and immigration laws.

I will resist the imposition of sharia principles and sharia law in my taxi cab, my restaurant, my community pool, the halls of Congress, our national monuments, the radio and television airwaves, and all public spaces.

I will not be censored in the name of tolerance.

I will not be cowed by your Beltway lobbying groups in moderate clothing. I will not cringe when you shriek about "profiling" or "Islamophobia."

I will put my family’s safety above sensitivity. I will put my country above multiculturalism.

I will not submit to your will. I will not be intimidated.

I am John Doe.

Not much to argue with there.

Not suprisingly, Chris Kelly of the Huffington Post's reaction was to fisk the pledge with the sort of graceless, ham-fisted, inept unfunniness that one has come to expect from the unhinged left.

What *did* surprise me (and maybe it shouldn't have) was that he didn't offer a better alternative.

So, as a bi-partisan outreach to conscience-impaired, morally-crippled, leftist humor-tards, I offer a pledge they can get behind without - as is sadly but consistently true - a second thought.

Dear Muslim Freedom Fighter/Patriot/Hero/Martyr/Brother,

You do not know me. But I act as lookout for you. You are my friend. And I am yours.

I am Huff Po.

I am flying my private plane. I am riding in my limosine. I have never ridden a bus. And the subway? Feh. That's for the little people. I am living in a gated community. I always use the VIP entrance. We'll probably never actually meet unless you're holding the door for me.

I am your flag-burner. I am your effigy-hanger. I am your high-calorie hunger-striker. I am your unshaven documentary-maker.

I am Huff Po.

I will never forget the example of the thoughtless, disruptive passengers of United Airlines Flight 93, and how racist it was of them not to just sit back on 9/11 and let the brave Muslims land the plane safely after the pilot... fell unexpectedly ill.

I will never forget those stupid, racist passengers and crew members who tackled the unfairly-accused, alleged "al Qaeda shoe-bomber" Richard Reid on American Airlines Flight 63 before he had a chance to explain that he was just using that match to find a dropped contact lens in the darkness by his feet. Perfectly understandable. Happens all the time.

I will never forget the racist over-reacting of actor James Woods, who pointlessly pestered a stewardess, claiming that several Arab men sitting in his first-class cabin on an August 2001 flight were behaving strangely. Sure, the men turned out to be 9/11 hijackers on a test run, but come ON! It was only a TEST! Who freaks out over a TEST?

I will march with a "Bush = Hitler" sign when Homeland Security officials ask me to "report suspicious activity". That'll show those Brownshirts!

I will mock my local police department's admonition "If you see something, say something". Yeah, I see something... a Nazi goon in a blue uniform!

I am Huff Po.

I will applaud your Zionist-conspiracy-hating, American-imperialism-bashing scholars.

I will donate to your misunderstood mosque leaders as reparations for the injustices your people suffered during the Crusades.

I will raise my voice against the subjugation of your women and religious minorities to greedy American corporate interests like Halliburton and Wal-Mart.

I will embrace your attempts to educate my children with your wisdom and different truths in our schools. YAY! Diversity!

I will link to your cool YouTube videos of American mercenaries getting what's coming to them.

I am Huff Po.

I will protest law enforcement initiatives to spy on your innocent tourists, cut off the meager funding that allows you to obtain food and medicine for your children, and disrupt the excercise of your bomb-related freedom of speech.

I will build tunnels under our borders and donate my lawyer's time if you run afoul of America's oppressive immigration laws.

I will eventually consult a dictionary about this "Sharia" thingy of yours, but right now I'm just too busy speechifying on the perils of global warming in my limo, charity dinners, DNC fund-raising pool-parties, the halls of Congress, our national monuments, the radio and television airwaves, and outside the President's ranch.

I will silence any cruel, right-wing criticism that might offend you. Mean-spiritedness is NOT free speech.

I will call in a few favors to assist your Beltway lobbying groups in moderate clothing so that they may air their many legitimate grievances. I will be right next to you shrieking "profiling" or "Islamophobia" if you don't get your way. Or maybe "Bush = Hitler". Man, I can NEVER get enough of that one!

I will put sensitivity above all else. Above safety, my family, my country, multiculturalism... No, wait... not that last one.

I will do whatever you want me to. Because I'm your friend. And I know you would never hurt me.

I am Huff Po.

Hey! What's with that explosive vest?

Pass it on.

Rating: 2.6/5 (21 votes cast)

Comments (10)
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

A short but accurate biography of Fred Thompson can be found in Jane's Tank & Combat Vehicle Recognition Guide.

Rating: 2.7/5 (33 votes cast)

Comments (2) | Fred Thompson Facts
March 30, 2007
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 02:35 PM | Email This

While he is opposed to gay marriage, Fred Thompson is very compassionate towards gays since, in comparison to him, every man is a flaming homosexual.

Rating: 2.3/5 (23 votes cast)

Comments (19) | Fred Thompson Facts
Bad Day
Posted by Frank J. at 12:57 PM | Email This

It has not been a good day for me so far. First, I went out to steal the neighbor's newspaper as I do every morning, but I had to run back inside when I got shot at by terrorists. Ends up the whole country is overrun with them because the Democrats turned the emergency war funds bill into nothing but pork, leaving national defense to spinach and sugar beets -- who frankly aren't up to the task.

Now the terrorists were clawing at my door. Afraid that one would eventually figure out how to use the doorknob, I called the police. Ends up, though, the police didn't have the funds to come help me. The whole economy has been depressed since Rosie O'Donnell got all the steel mills shut down by calling them liars and claiming they don't actually do anything in them since fire can't melt steel.

Well, I was frustrated. I decided I'd try and relax by having a nice bubble bath with my rubber ducky... but my rubber ducky was nowhere to be found! Ahmadinejad had taken him claiming he had wandered into Iranian waters.

I hope Fred Thompson comes and saves us soon.

Rating: 2.3/5 (24 votes cast)

Comments (15)
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 12:28 PM | Email This

Know what would be a great country to have a war with?


Rating: 2.5/5 (27 votes cast)

Comments (8) | Fun Trivia
Besides, We Have Tons of the Stuff That's Already Been Bought & Paid For
Posted by Harvey at 11:43 AM | Email This

According to the Russians, the US is looking for a way to deliver a strike against Iran "that would enable the Americans to bring the country to its knees at minimal cost."

Last I checked, rocket fuel and uranium are relatively cheap.

[Hat tip: NickQueen.com]

Rating: 2.8/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (13)
March 29, 2007
The Choir Is Demoralized; Someone Needs to Preach to the Them!
Posted by Frank J. at 02:07 PM | Email This
Just be glad he's decided you're worthy enough to hear his voice.
Allahpundit is a bit cynical about Fred Thompson's commentaries on the Paul Harvey show. Then again, Allahpundit is always cynical; it's kinda his shtick. The comparison to Jane Fleming (no relation) is just over the top, though. I don't know if you've seen her on FOX News, but she's about the most boring pundit ever. She's basically a Democrat talking point programmed robot. Her appearance on Red Eye was a disaster because she seemed too afraid to stray from said talking point to make a joke.

Fred Thompson, though, is all about red meat. That sort of commentary may seem easy to come by in the blogosphere, but how often do we see it in our politicians? Even though Fred Thompson may only be saying things we already know, it's such a joyous thing to see this said by someone who may be running for president and actually has a chance to win. What demoralized conservatives need right now is red meat, and Fred Thompson is a butcher with a blood-stained apron.

Now, I'm not saying Fred Thompson is the best thing since sliced bread; I'm just saying he's the best thing since bread. In fact, he's better than bread. If the devil had tempted Jesus to turn stone into Fred Thompson, Jesus would have no response because man can live on Fred Thompson alone.

Rating: 3.0/5 (26 votes cast)

Comments (23)
Fun Trivia
Posted by spacemonkey at 01:36 PM | Email This

Why did Jim Webb have someone else carry his sidearm into the capital?


Rating: 2.9/5 (31 votes cast)

Comments (9) | Fun Trivia
Another Question
Posted by Frank J. at 12:54 PM | Email This

Seriously, what is the Democrats' defense of all the pork such as sugar cane subsidies that were placed on the emergency war funds bill, because I've yet to encounter a defense of it.

Also, has there been explanation of how they came up with the surrender date?

This recent bill has just baffled me with the Democrats' unseriousness more than anything else I can recall.

Rating: 2.5/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (16)
Discuss Amongst Yoursevles
Posted by Frank J. at 11:41 AM | Email This

Instead of mindlessly rushing out to combat them, should Americans ask themselves this question about Democrats: "Why do they hate us?"

Rating: 2.5/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (15)
How To Resolve Britain's Iranian Hostage Crisis
Posted by Harvey at 10:15 AM | Email This

Ask Jimmy Carter what he would do if he were Prime Minister, and then do the opposite.

Rating: 2.6/5 (23 votes cast)

Comments (19)
March 28, 2007
American Idol Six - Top Ten elimination
Posted by sarahk at 10:35 PM | Email This

Ryan says the two important questions are who will go home and how Sanjaya will wear his hair. Then Ryan comes out in a faux-hawk wig. I'm not sure who pulled it off better. I give them both an A for effort. Did I just say that? I'm off my game, yes?

They do the recap.

I think if Haley doesn't go home, it will be Chris Sligh. That makes me sad, because he shouldn't be going home yet. But he's been so safe lately. :-(

Bad Ford commercial is "I Fought the Law", and it's actually good! I enjoyed it, anyway.

Blake is safe.
LaKisha is safe.
Phil is in the bottom three.
Melinda is safe. What? Chris R. is making fun of her with the surprised face. That is so cute.
And Chris R. is safe! Yay!
Sanjaya is not being thrown out with the Bath Water, he is safe. Come on, someone had to make the pun. He sang the song, not me.
Haley is in the bottom three.
Jordin is safe.
So it's to Gina and to Chris Sligh. If Chris is in the bottom three, I think my bottom three prediction is 100% accurate tonight. Lemme go check. Yep.

And now we go to break, and Gwen Stefani is going to perform, and Chris and Gina have to sit through it not knowing. Gina gets so emotional.

American Idol "Challenge": Which of Bo Bice, Ruben Studdard, Taylor Hicks was dubbed the "Velvet Teddy Bear"? Hrm. I entered the first week, I should start entering these again so Frank and I can have a shot to go to the finale.

Gwen Stefani is out to perform. Is that Mekhi Phifer with her? A-Con? A-Kon? I don't understand his name, but anyway, he's going on tour with her. You know, I don't enjoy her music most of the time (it's just not my type), and her voice is not my favorite (she stays in that low range almost exclusively), and I don't like the hoo-hah shorts, but--I know I keep saying this--she seems like a genuinely nice person. And she is a true performer, and I love to watch people who love what they do. She oozes that.

Gwen will be back for the AI charity thing next month.

Publix Ginger Ale is $2 a 12 pack this week, and I like Publix Giner Ale. So you know.

Chris Sligh is in the bottom three.

Phil is safe. Now it's Chris or Haley going home. Simon says it's Chris going home. I fear he may be right, but I stick by my prediction.

Chris is going home, and Haley gets to stay. Shame. I'm sad. I hope he gets picked up for TV (American Idol host? Just kidding, Ryan, you know I love you.) or maybe by a Christian label.

Sanjaya and Haley remain, and Chris is gone. But you know what? This means there is something bigger and better in store for Chris and his lovely wife.

Rating: 2.5/5 (29 votes cast)

Comments (13) | SarahK's TV stuff
You'd Think Hillary Could Teach Her Staff to Lie Better
Posted by Frank J. at 04:36 PM | Email This

Now that Hillary Clinton has received the endorsement of Iowa governor Tom Vilsack, it's been revealed that the Hillary campaign had promised to pay off the $400,000 in debt Vilsack built up during his campaign for the White House. I love this statement at the end of the news story:

The [Hillary] campaign said there is no connection between Vilsack's endorsement and their commitment to help pay off his campaign debt.

As insulting as that statement is to our intelligence, why couldn't Hillary campaign have said:

"The reason Hillary is paying off Vilsack's campaign debt is because whoever is reading this is both stupid and ugly."

It has about the same effect.


For the record, my endorsement will only cost $100,000.

Rating: 1.9/5 (21 votes cast)

Comments (8)
In My World: Never Negotiate with Democrats
Posted by Frank J. at 11:38 AM | Email This

After a long day of shooting and getting shot at in Iraq, Buck the Marine headed back to camp. When he got there, he ran into the last thing he wanted to deal with... Democrats!

"We're here to support the troops," Harry Reid said with Nancy Pelosi standing behind him smiling her eerie, inhuman smile.

This can't be good, Buck thought but didn't say, trying to be respectful to the things from Congress. They were part of the federal government who paid for the Buck's bullets which he would then deposit into foreigners. "I appreciate the support."

"Let's add to the 'Support the Troops' bill that I get Buck's Nintendo DS."
"Not so fast!" Nancy shrieked. "You don't get our support so easily!"

"We have to get something out of it first!" Reid looked Buck over and pointed to the object in Buck's hand. "What's that?"

"It's a Nintendo DS. It has a touchscreen," Buck explained. "When I get bored because there's no shooting, I shoot people on it."

"Well, I want it!" Reid turned to Pelosi. "Let's add to the 'Support the Troops' bill that I get Buck's Nintendo DS."

Pelosi wrote in a notepad. "And I want his DVDs. We'll put that in the bill too."

"Hey! You can't just take my stuff!"

"We're just trying to support the troops!" Reid seized Buck's rifle. "Until we're allowed to support the troops in our own way, you get no funding! That means no rifle and no bullets!"

"But that's what I use to kill for'ners!"

"And take off that body armor!" Pelosi yelled. "We're renting that, but you don't get it anymore until our demands are met."

Buck took off the body armor. "This seems like an odd way to support the troops."

Reid grabbed the body armor. "Are you questioning our patriotism?!"

"No; I'm sorry." Buck thought for a moment. "So, if I give you guys my Nintendo DS and my DVDs, will you give me my rifle and body armor back?"

Pelosi nodded. "Exactly... but we also want $24 million for sugar beets."

"Uh... sugar beets?"

"And $640 million for LIHEAP!" Reid said.

"I don't even know what that is."

"You don't need to." Reid adjusted his tie. "All you need to know is that's part of what it will cost to get us to support the troops."

"I don't have that kind of money; I'm just a simple Marine who likes shooting for'ners."

Pelosi smiled to the point that it looked like her skin was going to snap. "If you want to continue your mission here, you better tell Bush to give us everything we demand!"

"Well... I'll try." Buck was upset, but politics wasn't his job. Shooting foreigners was. "If you get everything you ask for, I can get my rifle back?"

Reid nodded. "Yes, you'll get our support and your funding... assuming you agree to surrender."

"Surrender? To you?"

"No, to... uh..." Reid thought for a moment. "Whoever it is you're supposed to be fighting here."

Buck was starting to get upset. "But I don't want to surrender!"

"Then you get no funding and you'll die here!" Reid shouted. "Muh ha ha ha!"

"Our demands must be met if you troops want any chance to survive!" Pelosi screamed. "Everything we want is outlined here!" She handed a list of demands to Buck.

He scanned through them. "A hundred million in unmarked bills and a fueled helicopter waiting for you! And a list of political prisoners you want released!" Buck glared at the two Democrats. "Are you sure you're not terrorists?"

Reid laughed. "We're Democrats; there's well established precedent of negotiating with Democrats when we threaten the livelihood of Americans!"

Buck shook his head. "I'm never going to understand politics."

Rating: 2.1/5 (28 votes cast)

Comments (13) | In My World
American Idol Six - Top Ten
Posted by sarahk at 10:15 AM | Email This

Ok, more detailed now. I'll put what I quickie-wrote last night in italics and add the exhaustive tediousness.

Ryan says Gwen Stefani is supplying the song list tonight, which takes away some of my confusion, because I wondered what kind of disaster it would be with only about two contestants having the body and charisma to pull off Gwen Stefani and No Doubt songs. So it's Gwen Stefani, No Doubt, and bands that inspired them like The Police, The Cure, and Donna Summer (?).

I don't normally read anything anyone else has written before I write up my bit, but my initial impressions are already out there and aren't going to change. I thought Gwen Stefani was great. Funny thing is, she dresses and dances like a skank on stage, and if she were an Idol contestant, I would probably have her at the bottom of the list for her skankiness but at the top of the list for her personality. She just seems like a nice person. And on-stage persona notwithstanding, for some reason she comes across to me as a classy broad. I don't know why. Now since I've had my morning Oreos and done my morning reading before writing this, I've read what other people had to say. I don't know why everyone was hating on Gwen last night. I read that she didn't say anything, or that she had no critiques, or just stood there, blah blah. Y'all do get that they had 10 singers in 67 minutes last night, right? Cut in with your standard 87 minutes of commercials and promos for EVIL AT&T Wireless, and you're left with about 60 seconds of song, 60 seconds of judging, 30 seconds of Seacrest blather, and 5 seconds of contestant intro. Oh, not to mention that they now have Inane Viewer Email of the Week to answer and Gratuitous Shot of One of the Nigels "Dancing" in the Audience of the Week to show. So maybe y'all should think about it a little, cut sweet skanky Gwen some slack, and realize that the producers gave her the short end of the stick and probably cut out 95% of what she said and just popped in the quick little sit-down interview. She might actually have coached them while they were at the piano, but since she only got her 5 seconds, they just showed the leopard chair part.

Contestants, feel free to email me if I'm wrong. I know you read here, because some of you take my advice. I promise to keep you anonymous so the producers don't fire you. (sarahk47~at~gmail~dot~com).

Also feel free to email if you know why I got all up on my soapbox (it makes me sound less haughty if I call it a soapbox than if I call it a high horse, right?) to defend Gwen Stefani, who doesn't need my help and probably couldn't care less about AI, despite her proclamations of excitement about most of the contestants. And who wore a sweater that had a picture of belt-suspenders on it.

Moving on. Ok, Gwen says it's not about the voice for her, it's about the contestants' personalities and styles. Kind of like with her. "Don't Speak" is really the only song of hers I've ever thought was one I'd like to sing at karaoke.


Rating: 2.2/5 (28 votes cast)

Comments (1) | SarahK's TV stuff
Posted by Frank J. at 09:47 AM | Email This

A Who's Your Favorite Chickenhawk poll. I have to disagree with the blender and go with Ben.

Rating: 2.6/5 (23 votes cast)

Comments (4)
American Idol tonight
Posted by sarahk at 12:42 AM | Email This

Ok, we're just watching straight through, I'll have to blog it in the morning, because I dragged my husband out shopping for three hours tonight, so I'm being a good girl and doing a quick watch-through... blah blah blah...

All I have to say right now, though...

Wow, THE GLOCK. She was outstanding, I was so proud of her (ok, honestly I hated the dress, the boots were a'ight, but I LOVED the performance).

Idols 03. Vote it!

Oh my. As I was typing this, Sanjaya walked out with his faux-hawk, as Paula just called it. I hate to say this: it was his best performance even though he forgot the words and had that hair thing going on.

Wow, Haley isn't wearing sleeveless and didn't show her armpits. I almost am tempted to vote for her. Would never do, no, but I'm so thankful about the armpits.

Ok, I'm signing off unless someone else knocks me off my feet.

Vote for THE GLOCK!

UPDATE: Idols 10... Chris Richardson was totally knocking my socks off until he forgot a couple of words near the end. Mouth agape and everything, chest clutcher until then. Chris, please remember, though: the microphone stays at your mouth. If your body bobs up and down, the arm with the mic moves in motion with your head. If you're using a mic stand, you must bob only the body, keep the mouth stationary, or no bobbing. You have quite enough vibrato without leaving out entire notes due to mic loss.

Quick lineup:

03 The Glock. Mwah. I was so happy when I heard your song choice. Perfect song for you, very well sung, heartfelt and emotional. You win tonight. But no more painted on bronze dresses, please. I heart you, but I could have plucked you off the stage and used you to decorate one of my plant ledges with the metallics you were painted into tonight. I hate to even go negative at all on you because I loved your performance so much, and it was your best so far, but I can't not talk about that dress. Say, next week how about "Hello" or "My Immortal" by Evanescence? But I'm not sure you can hit those high notes, so either stay away from those songs, or lower them a couple of clicks.

10 Chris Richardson. See above.

07 Melinda. Don't listen to Simon. The outfit was fine. I love that you dress modestly and don't feel the need to let it all hang out, unlike Baby-Feeder LaKisha.

01 Lakisha. Enough with the baby feeders. We get it. They're gigantic. Do you want us to give them their own zip code or something? Rah rah, you have big boobies. Yay for you. I do applaud that most of the rest of you was covered, and other than that, I liked the outfit. And this was your best performance in weeks. I'm starting to like you again. If you would just do something about your boobs.

WH Phil. Thanks for pinning your ears down. Made you more watchable. Oh, come on, I'm not the only one thinking it, just the only one saying it. Y'all would be thanking me for wearing support hose and girdles if I were up there. Except for a few screechy notes, you were quite good until the end, and then you got all freaky weird when you did your own thang, dawg. That's when it became a gigantic mess, and my face scrunched up in horror. Until then, I had you above LaKisha. I was going to give your number out and everything.

02 Chris Sligh. Sleeping pill. Please throw in at least one vocal backflip in the next performance. I'm giving up on you. I'm glad you got your humor back in the pre-talk, thank you, but what's with the boring vocals? You can't phone it in every week, or you won't last much longer.

09 Jordin - Nice picnic basket you were wearing, Raggedy Ann. Also vocally the worst performance out of her in weeks. If Disney's what you do best, just do Disney. How about "Part of Your World"? You haven't done that one yet. I'm kidding, don't do it. People will laugh at you, and that's one of my all-time favorite Disney songs. You can never live up to the original, or to my singing-in-the-car version. I rock at that song, baby.

04 Sanjaya. Whatever. Stick around. You're growing on us, and you know we're making fun of you. Now you're just there for the laughs, and you know it, and you know we know it, and you know we know you know it. And even Seacrest and the judges are openly joking about it on-air, so as long as no one is pretending that you're there because you're the next Aretha or Whitney or Celine, whatever. I don't care anymore.

08 Blake - What were the judges on about with that boring performance? Even Sanjaya was more enjoyable. Could y'all hear me yawning on the left coast?

05 Haley. I have nothing to say.

Gwen Stefani. Wow, she's beautiful. And very nice. She came across as a class act.

Rating: 2.8/5 (25 votes cast)

Comments (4) | SarahK's TV stuff
March 27, 2007
Be Grateful for What You Have
Posted by Frank J. at 10:58 PM | Email This

There has been some talk that Fred Thompson used to be for legalized abortion. This is a silly thing to focus on. If it's true, you should all just be grateful that Fred Thompson reconsidered and decided to let you live.

Rating: 2.5/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (1)
Out of Line
Posted by Frank J. at 01:48 PM | Email This

I asked in the last bullet point of this post whether I was out of line, and, on second thought, I was. I based the point on what an American commander had said, but I really am not in any position to question the action of the men in the British military.

Furthermore, making humor on the whole situation is based on the assumption that nothing bad will happen to the captured sailors -- that this is going to be some silly mess like when an American plane went down in the China and the Chinese government detained them (remember those carefree days?). Given the history of Iran, we can't presume to know how this will turn out, though, and time is better spent with well-wishes for those taken hostage rather than ridiculing them.

So I apologize for the post.

Rating: 2.2/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (10)
Equal Rights Amendment? Thanks, DNC!
Posted by RightWingDuck at 01:29 PM | Email This


Rating: 2.3/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (6)
Puff, Puff, Passover?
Posted by Laurence Simon at 10:48 AM | Email This

Just in case you didn't realize it, Israel's maijuana rights party has declared that pot is forbidden on Passover.

So, girls and boys, that rolling thick smoke coming from under your door... that had better be the Angel Of Death coming to kill the first born of Egypt!

Rating: 2.7/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (5)
Do We Deserve Fred Thompson?
Posted by Frank J. at 10:11 AM | Email This

When I published important facts about Fred Thompson, it was a very popular post. Now everyone wants a Fred Thompson candidacy, but Fred Thompson has yet to state whether he intends to run. The reaction by many is to plead with Fred Thompson to run or to talk about drafting him, but you can't force Fred Thompson to do what Fred Thompson does not want to do. Instead of focusing on him, we should focus on ourselves and ask the tough question: "Are we a good enough country to have Fred Thompson as president?"

I don't know the answer to that, but what we can do is improve ourselves so that Fred Thompson may like us enough to be our leader. Here are some tips on what to do:


* Eat Breakfast: Fred Thompson knows that breakfast is the the most important meal of the day. If you don't care enough about yourself to eat breakfast, why should Fred Thompson care about you?

Fred Thompson will not be the president of just any country.
* Control Your Children: Make sure your children are well behaved. Fred Thompson is not going to run a country full of screaming kids running around.

* Clean Your Guns: Guns are an important right, and if you don't care enough about that right to maintain your guns, then Fred Thompson is going to wonder whether you deserve his leadership.

* Mow Your Lawn: Fred Thompson will only be president of a country where people take pride in land ownership. The most visible indication of this is how well you maintain your lawn.

* Drive a Powerful Car: Small, fuel-efficient cars disgust Fred Thompson. Ideally, your car should burn three gallons of gas just starting the engine.

* Use Proper Grammar: Why would Fred Thompson want to lead people he can't even understand?

* Keep in Shape: Fred Thompson is not going to want to be associated with a country full of flabby people.

* Dress Appropriately: If Fred Thompson sees any baggy pants, that could dissuade him from becoming president.

* Get a Haircut: You think Fred Thompson wants to be president of a bunch of hippies? Then you don't know Fred Thompson.

* Keep Informed: If you don't even follow politics, then Fred Thompson doesn't want your ignorant vote.

So, everyone, keep working on improving yourselves and then maybe we'll soon hear that Fred Thompson has decided we deserve his presidency. Even if we're not perfect, Fred Thompson will like the idea that we're trying and perhaps take pity on us. Such is the way of Fred Thompson.


PJM has now added Fred Thompson as a choice in their straw poll (you can vote on my left sidebar). He better poll well, because Fred Thompson will not enter the race if he feels people take him for granted.

Rating: 2.9/5 (24 votes cast)

Comments (13)
March 26, 2007
Democrat Plots to Kill All Senators!!!
Posted by Frank J. at 04:34 PM | Email This

According to Drudge, an aide to Senator Jim Webb was arrested for trying to bring a gun into the Russell Senate Office building. Apparently, Jim Webb -- who has a permit -- keeps a gun in his purse and inadvertently had his aide carry his purse for him. If that's all this is, hopefully this will be cleared up soon. And, since Webb is reportedly pro-gun, hopefully this will push him to help D.C. from being such a bunch of caveman on the issues of guns ("Grr! Magic thunder-stick! Burn the warlock!").

Rating: 2.3/5 (21 votes cast)

Comments (15)
Posted by Laurence Simon at 01:40 PM | Email This


10) After further review, the professional-grade high-definition video project for archiving Native American dances turned out to be a bunch of camcorder mini-DVDs of a junket to Indian Casino for marathon lap dance sessions.

9) Okay, so we can understand one refurbished Patton tank. It's everybody's boyhood dream, sure, but SIXTEEN?

8) Honestly, he didn't realize they already had the JFK assassination limo. Guess that kinda makes his "I'm looking for the real limo" excuse somewhat pointless, right? Although nice touch on the champagne and cigars.

7) Kickbacks received from manufacturer of Al Gore simulation, but let's face it - the darned thing looks so much more lifelike and wastes less energy to operate than the real Al Gore.

6) Let's go over this one more time... just because you're not allowed to give the Hope Diamond to your mistress, it doesn't mean you can expense a smaller substitute to give her for her birthday, got it? And swallowing it's not going to work, either, bub... we're perfectly willing to wait this one out, but you get to wash it afterwards.

5) Ha ha... adding boiling oil and catapaults to The Castle on April 1st was a great April Fool's joke. Nearly split my sides. But when the mailman gets out of the Burn Ward, you're apologizing to him and picking up the hospital bill, you freaking psycho.

4) No, Neil Armstrong didn't say "That's one small step for man, one giant bag full of today's admissions fees for the Secretary of the Smithsonian Institution." Put it back. Now.

3) Just because Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton rob blacks of their hard-earned money, living large on the good life, it doesn't mean you can do it. There's a fine line between public servant and parasite, and you crossed it. But nice try on having that mansion of yours billed as "Add-On Wing To Anacostia Museum."

2) Put. The. Pandas. Back. (But take the leather chaps and lipstick off of them first, dude.)

1) You expect us to believe that the raw materials disappearing from controversial "Pimp My Teeth, Daddy-GW" hands-on activity center at the George Washington exhibit was a case of "They just got up and walked away" right? Oh, and nice solid gold diamond-encrusted shoes there. Take 'em off, or I swear I'll run you through with Merriweather Lewis' hanger, sir!

Rating: 2.8/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (5)
The Democrats in "Supporting the Troops"
Posted by Frank J. at 01:05 PM | Email This

Rating: 2.0/5 (40 votes cast)

Comments (10) | Frank the Artist
Giving My Support: In Effigy
Posted by RightWingDuck at 12:16 PM | Email This

Ladies and Gentlemen, there is too much division in this country.


My guess is that we are all too hypersenstive and we take things way too seriously. For example, some protestors recently raised some tempers when they set a soldier on fire - in effigy of course. I mean, if they tried to set a real Marine on fire, you'd see a bunch of dead lefties with bits of granola splattered everywhere.

But I ask you: Is it possible to Support The Troops yet still voice your disapproval at something? Like the protestors shown below?


Of course it is. You can disagree with something yet still express your true feelings.

We at IMAO would like to lend our support to the following causes


Rating: 2.9/5 (21 votes cast)

Comments (15)
Fun Facts About Wyoming
Posted by Harvey at 11:05 AM | Email This

With a great sigh of relief - and I'm sure I'm not alone in this - I present the last edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States:

(continued in extended entry)


Rating: 2.3/5 (36 votes cast)

Comments (18) | Fun Trivia
Who'd Ever Want to Leave Iran Anyway?
Posted by Frank J. at 10:59 AM | Email This

Since 1979, man has lived in fear of being taken hostage by Iranians. Now it has happened to fifteen British sailors. Tony Blair has declared the matter "very serious" which is a brilliant observation. If American sailors had been taken hostage, on the other hand, instead of observing the seriousness of the matter we would all be demanding huge piles of dead Iranians.

Still, it's much simpler to just not get taken hostage. Thus I offer...


Who knows what he'll do when he gets his tiny hands on you!
* First thing: Stop, drop, and roll. If done right, the hostage taker will think you're on fire. In general, people on fire are rarely taken as hostages.

* Don't hang out in an embassy in Iran. Actually, anywhere near Iran is trouble. Instead hang out at the embassy in Hawaii as that's a friendly country and much safer.

* Try waving your arms and yelling. Hostage takers are scared of movement and loud noises.

* You can wear a suit made from bacon. While it will reduce Iranian hostage taking, it will increase dog attacks.

* If all else fails, try striking a hostage take on the nose to ward him away. This is how dolphins fight hostage takers in the wild.

* Facial hair -- such as a beard of bees -- can discourage hostage takers.

* Run away in a zig zag pattern; while hostage takers can run faster than you, then can only run in a straight line.

* Now, I'm not a member of the military, so perhaps I shouldn't be critical in this area, but, if you happen to be in the military and our on your own vessel with other members of your military when people try to take you hostage, maybe you should use all those guns you have to stop the hostage taking. Its sorta why you have them. Again, if I'm out of line here, someone tell me.

Rating: 2.8/5 (21 votes cast)

Comments (19)
March 25, 2007
Jeb Bush's Booby Prizes
Posted by Harvey at 07:57 AM | Email This

Although Former Florida Governor Jeb Bush was snubbed by the University of Florida for an honorary degree, he was still granted the immensely-less-impressive honor of being named an "honorary alumnus". Here are some of the other prestigious accolades he's been awarded:

* The Nobel Pathetic Prize.

* Honorary Chicago Bears 2007 Superbowl Quarterback.

* Losers Anonymous Lifetime Achievement Award.

* The Jason Alexander "No, Really, I'm More Than Just Seinfeld's Fluffer" Trophy.

* Best Actor for the movie "299".

* The "Seriously, You Don't Look a DAMN thing like George H.W. - Is Michael Moore Your Real Father?" Certificate of Questionable Parentage.

* Honorary Robin from the Justice League of America.

* The Nobel Pathetic Prize.

* Rowdy Frat Boys of America Puke-litzer.

* Boy Scouts of America "Whizzing Out The Campfire" Merit Badge

* Girl Scouts of America "Cookie Queen" Sash

* The Dan Rather "Integrity In Broadcasting" Ribbon.

* The Harvey, RightWingDuck, Cadet Happy, Spacemonkey, Laurence Simon, SarahK, and Aquaman Medallion of Overshadowed Excellence.

* The Congressional Medal of Whatever

Well, as long as he doesn't get the Ted Kennedy Driver's School Diploma, he's all right in my book.

Rating: 2.6/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (11)
The Other Side of the British Hostage Situation
Posted by Harvey at 01:01 AM | Email This

Iran now claims that the British Sailors and Marines that it took hostage a few days ago have confessed to invading Iranian territorial waters. Well, assuming this is true - and what possible reason could we have to doubt the Iranians? - you HAVE to wonder what excuse the British government will come up with for being there.

I speculate thusly:

* There was a lot of heavy betting on the camel races and they didn't trust their bookie to pay off.

* Trying to unload a shipment of genuine, licensed, "300"-logo burkas.

* Ship's mascot - Fluffy the Cat - needed a litterbox refill.

* Took Carter's advice on how to get a free 444 day vacation.

* Iraq, Iran... you can't catch EVERY typo.

* Helpless to steer away from the seductive, siren-like song of Iranian saber-rattling.

* Tweaking the Iranians noses by showing them what an unsunk Navy looks like.

* Came to deliver humanitarian aid in five megaton increments.

* They simply drifted off course because the ship's navigator was distracted by a piquant cup of Earl Grey.

* Investigating the connection between global warming and camel flatulence.

* Thought there was a big tent sale going on and wanted to take advantage of the low, low prices.

* Responding to Grail-shaped beacon

* Just comin' by to Rock the Casbah, baby!

* Falkland flashbacks. Please disregard.

* Bush said "just give us an excuse". What were we SUPPOSED to do? He paid in crumpets for God's sake!

* Wanted to borrow a cup of crazy from Ahmadinejad.

And whatever you do, don't add your own speculation in the comments.

Wouldn't want to risk inflaming the "Arab Street" ya know.

Rating: 2.5/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (11)
March 24, 2007
Supporting the Troops
Posted by spacemonkey at 09:25 PM | Email This

Of course they support the troops.
In effigy
On fire.

With a rope.

[Warning video also depicts a burning U.S. flag (displayed in the 'in distress' manner) and mindless inane antiwar chanting]

Rating: 2.2/5 (23 votes cast)

Comments (7)
What Would You Do?
Posted by Frank J. at 06:16 PM | Email This

ANNOUNCER: Sir, would you hop on one foot for a Klondike Bar?

DEMOCRAT: Sure! ::hops on one foot::

ANNOUNCER: How about bark like a dog for a rich, creamy Klondike Bar?


ANNOUNCER: Would you spit on the mission of U.S. troops and hold needed funds hostage unless they surrender at an arbitrarily chosen date?

DEMOCRAT: I don't know...

ANNOUNCER: But we're talking about vanilla ice cream covered in milk chocolate. Also, we'll throw in pork projects for your district.


ANNOUNCER: What would you do for a Klondike Bar?

Rating: 2.2/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (9)
March 23, 2007
Democrats, Republicans, Have Good Health
Posted by Frank J. at 11:09 PM | Email This

I think Best of the Web today covers both sides of the debate about Edwards quite well. I don't feel in a position to question their decision and will keep them in my prayers. If you haven't read all of Dean Barnett's post on the subject, please do so.

Tony Snow is going to have a growth removed from his abdomen as a preventative measures and won't be back to work until next month. He could certainly use your prayers as well. As expected, some people at HuffPo do not think so, but I think it's quite good advice to say that if you ever wish someone evil or celebrate great misfortune upon him or her just because he or she has different political views than you, then you are taking this game of politics way too seriously.

Rating: 2.5/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (13)
Binary Fun
Posted by spacemonkey at 10:33 PM | Email This

Love converting binary to decimal and vice versa? i know I do. This is your chance to do it against the clock.
Play until your eyes burst!
Mine did after about 15 minutes..

Rating: 2.5/5 (28 votes cast)

Comments (10)
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 08:22 PM | Email This

Know who sucks?


Rating: 2.4/5 (28 votes cast)

Comments (8) | Fun Trivia
Unscruting the Inscrutable Iranian Mind
Posted by Harvey at 12:34 PM | Email This

Iranian naval vessels on Friday seized 15 British Sailors and Marines who had boarded a merchant ship to search for smugglers in Iraqi waters in the Persian Gulf.

It's being assumed that Iran will claim that it was because the British were operating in Iranian territorial waters, but there's been no official word yet. Which makes me wonder what reason they'll give when they finally speak up. Here are my best guesses as to the reason Iran will give for kidnapping 15 British Sailors & Marines:

* Thought that the hilariously quirky sketch comedy troupe they'd ordered from England had finally arrived.

* Mistook them for carbon offsets.

* Needed someone to explain that "cricket" thing.

* A simple request to borrow a cup of limes went horribly awry.

* Hoping to trade hostages for nude photos of Queen Elizabeth.

* Looking for helpful tips on how to get some islands back from Argentina.

* Seeking a diagnosis - is this parrot resting, stunned, or pining for the fjords?

* Just a little backsliding in their "don't kidnap the British" 12-step program.

* Desperately searching for insensitive pricks with British accents for reality-TV judging panels.

Ok, I don't know the real answer. All I know is that in 2500 years, they'll be making a movie called "15" featuring another 20,000 dead Persians.

Rating: 2.7/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (17)
Better Living Through Activism
Posted by Frank J. at 12:30 PM | Email This

I love educational videos from the fifties:

Rating: 2.4/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (8)
Friday Catblogging
Posted by Laurence Simon at 10:18 AM | Email This

Since it's Friday, I thought I'd spread the joy of humor-free, apolitical Friday Catblogging to IMAO (aka "I-MEOW").

I'd make it political, but the shock of Houston Texans quarterback and sack-magnet being told he's on the auction block (despite being clutched to like a binkie blanket last year at the expense of passing up Vince Young) leaves me speechless.

Anyway, it's time for Frisky the Spoiled:

If you're not sure how this absurd scene pertains to IMAO, since IMAO is famous for that "political humor" thing, it doesn't. If you must have some semblance of politics or humor in everything you read here, just assume that Frisky is... um...

Help me out here. Make your suggestions in the comments how this scene is, in fact, a political allegory.

The six catcams are on during the day, every weekday.

Friday Ark #131 is at The Modulator.

Carnival of the Cats is Sunday.


Rating: 2.9/5 (34 votes cast)

Comments (10) | Friday Cat-Blogging
I Guess I'm the Weakest Superhero Ever
Posted by Aquaman at 10:03 AM | Email This

I can hurt you in so many different ways.A blue whale can be nearly one hundred feet in length and weigh over two hundred tons. I mention this because that is what I'm going to have ram you at forty miles per hour if you losers ever venture into MY OCEAN!

And yes, blue whales don't usually swim that fast, BUT THEY DO WHEN I TELL THEM TO!

Really, I'm tired of you nothings trying to talk me down. Yes, on land my ability to communicate with marine life isn't of much use. In such of situation, all I have to rely on is my super strength. So go ahead and make fun of me to my face if you meet me in a bar, because all I can do in response is embed your head into a concrete wall (actually, I can use my ability to telephatically control marine life to put you into a seizure, but the smashing your head into a wall is much more fun and satisfying).

By the way, I just slept with your girlfriend. I wouldn't expect her to find you very interesting anymore.

Since nitwits like "facts" about weaklings like Chuck Norris and Jack Bauer, I thought I'd give you some facts about a real hero:


* Batman keeps a ring of kryptonite in a safe in case Superman goes berserk and Batman needs to take him down. What does Batman keep locked away in case Aquaman goes berserk? A gun to kill himself with.

* High tide -- that's Aquaman taking a leak.

* Why does marine life do as Aquaman commands? Because they all can feel pain and fear it.

* Aquaman doesn't swim. He's actually pulled in a current when the water flees him in fear.

* Pangea split into separate continents when Aquaman swam towards it and yelled, "Hey! You're in my way!"

* Scientist theorize that the motivation for fish to evolve legs was so they could flee Aquaman.

There you go. Make your own and trade him with your friends. Time you guys get behind a real winner instead of the politicians you've been supporting as of late.

One last thing: Aquaman, like all real heroes, supports the troops and their mission. If you want to be like the Arthur Curry, support fighting evil. Last time a terrorist waded into the ocean, I had some crabs grab that piece of @#$% and hold him down while a couple clown fish slowly ate his eyes because I'm a sick bastard when I'm mad.

Rating: 2.5/5 (30 votes cast)

Comments (15) | Aqua-Adventures
Understanding the Five Stages
Posted by RightWingDuck at 12:19 AM | Email This

Bad news is bad. Many experts agree on this. However, there is help. That's why it's always good to have a role model, like John Edwards. His wife is once again fighting breast cancer, but he's still out there searching for votes.



DENIAL: During this stage, you are tempted to believe that it can't be happening. It must be a bad test. Maybe the doctor is incompetent. Check credentials. Have you ever met him while chasing an ambulance? Then he must be okay. That means you'll move on the the next stage...


ANGER: How could this happen? Is it the Right Wing Conspiracy? Can we blame Fox News? Anger is a natural phase to go through until you get to...


BARGAINING: Sometimes you just need to strike a deal. Maybe you can talk to God. Maybe you can get the votes and override his veto. You never know. Eventually, you'll realize that you got bad information from Murtha and that you don't have anywhere near the support you thought you had. At that point, your campaign might spin into depression.


DEPRESSION: Horrible tragedy is like having a bad hair day. It seems to leave you feeling all "iicky." Thankfully, this won't last long either because your next phase is around the corner.


ACCEPTANCE: Your quest for power is almost complete. Bad things just happen. Remember the time you ran with John F. Kerry? if you can deal with that, you can deal with anything. The best job in the world is just a few votes away.


Rating: 2.4/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (32)
March 22, 2007
New Poll: What would YOU do?
Posted by RightWingDuck at 07:34 PM | Email This

Your wife has breast cancer but you are running for president. What should you do?
Continue running and blame the Republicans.
Stay at home and care for your wife as she battles a deadly disease.
Leave home and let the servants take care of her.
Remind people of the need for government healthcare.
Look at records. See if there's anyone you can sue.
Keep talking about breasts in hopes that people will think of you as the "next Bill Clinton."
Free polls from Pollhost.com

Rating: 2.4/5 (25 votes cast)

Comments (13)
The Planet Is a Bad Analogy...
Posted by Frank J. at 12:27 PM | Email This
Al Gore testified before Congress about global warming. He got Cs in Yale in political science -- a type of science -- and is angry at the world not submitting unquestioningly to his wisdom. He had a whole slide show full of facts -- some of them true facts -- and cannot understand why everyone isn't freaking out about climate change as he intended. Thus he said:
"The planet has a fever. If your baby has a fever, you go to the doctor. If the doctor says you need to intervene here, you don't say, 'Well, I read a science fiction novel that told me it's not a problem.'"

BTW, if you don't understand the latter part, the science fiction novel he is referencing is Beloved by Toni Morrison.

The problem with his analogy is that anytime he says, "The planet has a fever," people are going to immediately respond, "And the only prescription is more cowbell!" So that doesn't help his cause.

Incidentally, Gore refused to sign a pledge to reduce his own energy usage, so, I guess, if your baby has a fever, that doesn't mean you should stop coughing on him.

Anyway, he needs some better analogies to properly describe how the earth is headed for disaster that will appeal to people in emotional terms (this is a moral issue, not a scientific one). Here are some ideas:

* "The planet is a bag of chipmunks hanging over a active woodchipper by a single weak thread."

* "The planet is a passenger trapped in a speeding car that's going head on into traffic and while being driven by a man with poor vision who is high on cocaine."

* "The planet is a puppy in the house of a very thirsty Glenn Reynolds."

* "The planet is knocked out in the trunk of a car being driven towards the docks by Italian-Americans with ties to organized crime."

* "The planet is a fool for which Mr. T has run out of pity."

* "The planet is an ensign in an episode of Star Trek who you've never seen previously and he's going on an away mission with Kirk, Spock, and McCoy."

* "The planet is a beloved videogame being made into a movie by Uwe Boll."

* "The planet just married Yoko Ono and wants to take things in a new direction."

* "The planet just replaced E.D. Hill with Gretchen Carlson."

* "The planet is an Indian kid who loves to hula who somehow keeps making it through each round of America Idol."

* "The planet is New Coke."

* "The planet is a candied ham sitting in front of a hungry hungry Rosie O'Donnell."

* "The planet is a new game system costing $600 and having no significant launch titles."

* "The planet is a Jew who took a wrong turn and ended up in the middle of Mecca."

* "The planet is small and moving and a cat has spotted it."

If you have some other suggestions for ways to portray the earth is headed for disaster, put them in the comments.

Rating: 2.7/5 (25 votes cast)

Comments (59)
Rest in Peace, Cathy Seipp
Posted by Frank J. at 09:02 AM | Email This

She passed away at the age of forty-nine.

Also, say a prayer for Elizabeth Edwards and her family as it looks like she isn't out of the woods yet.

Rating: 2.3/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (8)
March 21, 2007
American Idol Six - Top Eleven elimination night
Posted by sarahk at 10:04 PM | Email This

He is Ryan Seacrest. Did we listen to the judges? I hope not, because they loved Haley in hopes that we would not see her alligator tears. Instead we saw the plant Ashley's alligator tears. Now there's a recap.

Peter Noone is singing "There's a Kind of Hush". Now why don't they have cutesy songs like this anymore? Today it's all about "I wanna give you the good sex baby, uh huh."

The bad Ford commercial is "Another Saturday Night", and the kids are doing their laundry. They're using Surf with the label removed! I know, because I use Surf.

Hey look, Brad Garrett is sitting with the kids between The Glock and Chris Richardson.

Phil, Melinda, and Blake all stand up. None are in the bottom three.
Chris Sligh, LaKisha, Jordin stand up. They are not in the bottom three.
Sanjaya, Haley, and the Glock stand together, and that is crazy scary. The Glock with those two? Seacrest says they are not the bottom three.
Well, one of the above is in the bottom three, because I count nine, and there are only eleven. That's some fuzzy math, Seacrest.
Chris Richardson and Stephanie Edwards stand up and are the bottom two! I was so bad and didn't vote for anyone last night, so if Chris goes home, I feel sad and mad at me. Stephanie is not a big surprise.

American Idol for the Challenged: Which of Fantasia, Paris, and Vonzell has been recently cast in The Color Purple?

Now Ryan is giving a message to corporate America about the big charity event on April 24. Coca-Cola, the evil AT&T, and Ford are the big sponsors. Two out of three not bad.

Lulu is singing "To Sir with Love". I tell you, I thought she was awesome this week working with the chicas. She looks great tonight too. She's fantastic, I love her.

So... Stephanie and Chris. And Stephanie is going home. To the place where she belongs. Where love has always been enough for her. Ok, so I learned one more line of the song.

Obviously, she left too early. What can you do? America has lost their minds, and Sanjaya runs the mental institution.

Rating: 2.4/5 (27 votes cast)

Comments (10) | SarahK's TV stuff
Aww! You Always Form the Head!
Posted by Frank J. at 01:09 PM | Email This
"Check out my law blog!"
I haven't been following this news story too much because it's... well... boring, but apparently the White House has had trouble finding good attorneys or something.

I think I have a great suggestion.

They should hire five attorneys. They should all be powerful in their own right, but, in times of crisis, they combine together to form one super-attorney: Voltron! Defender of the Federal Government!

If I were a juror and I saw five attorneys form into one giant attorney just before the closing, I'm going to side with them. That's just common sense.

Rating: 2.1/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (14)
In My World: To Evil!
Posted by Frank J. at 11:12 AM | Email This

"Four years," President Bush said. "Who would have ever thought this war would last four years?"

"I would have thought five," Dick Cheney said.

Bush waved his torch around to light the walls of the underground crypt. "What are we doing here again?"

"Halliburton board meeting."

Bush looked back at the little goat he had on a leash. "Wait a second. You didn't ask me to bring Petey the goat so you could sacrifice him, did you?"

"If you like him so much, we'll let you bring home his head." They came to a large cavern with a number of giant blue flames. The flames grew brighter and out each one emerged a sinister hooded figure. "To evil!" they shouted.

"To evil!" Cheney answered.

"Evil! Yay!" said a young woman.

Bush turned around to see a woman in a business suit with an inappropriately short skirt. He leaned over to whisper to Cheney, "Uh... who is she?"

"We were starting to get some pressure about how all of our board are white males -- the most evil kind of human -- so we went to a number of strip clubs until we found a woman willing to work for Halliburton."

"Wow! A baby goat!" she exclaimed. "Are we starting a petting zoo?"

"You're still not allowed to talk, Candy," Cheney said.

"I just wanted to say I'm getting sick and tired of all you!" Bush shouted. "You guys told me that Halliburton could steal all the oil in Iraq within six months and then you'd blow up the entire country and blame it on Belgium!"

"Who's Belgium?" Candy asked.

"Now it's four years later," Bush continued, "and we're still in Iraq and everyone is yelling at me and telling me I'm a bad President."

"We decided more evil could be done by extending things out," one of the hooded figures said.

"Why?" Bush yelled. "How does that make you any money?"

"Don't forget the Halliburton motto," Cheney said. "'Evil before profit!'"

"We are trying to destabilize the entire region!" stated one of the board. "Soon its famine and pestilence will spread to the rest of the world!"

"Are you guys talking about that thing on TV with all the yelling people and the sand?" Candy asked.

Cheney sighed. "Is it the 'no' or the 'talking' part of your instructions that's given you trouble?"

"If you ruin everything there, then what will happen with our oil supply?" Bush asked.

"We're working on alternative fuel sources," hissed one of the cloaked. "We already have a car that runs on the pain-filled cries of puppies."

"How about a car that runs on cola," Candy suggested. "You can get that pretty cheap at Wal-Mart."

"How is that evil?" Cheney demanded.

Candy slapped her forehead. "Oh yeah. I keep forgetting the evil!"

"Know what? I'm done with you guys!" Bush shouted. "I'm starting to think that you guys are evil, and that's not what I want for administration."

"Fool!" a board member yelled. "You dare defy us! We shall -- OW! THE GOAT BIT ME!"

"I think Petey has it right," Bush said. "We're out of here. From now on, we're only listening to the Zionist conspiracy. You guys are nothing but evil... and a bit slutty. Come on, Petey; let's go back to the White House and pick out some attorneys to fire." He walked away, taking his goat with him.

"That was to be our sacrifice to our master Satan!" a cloaked man yelled.

"Do you think that slutty remark was aimed at me?" Candy asked. "Just because I was a stripper doesn't mean I'm a slut. That's one of those stereo things. We should make him and his family pay for his impotence!"

"'Impudence,'" Cheney corrected her. "This is why I said we should have invested more time in out mind control device instead of picking out a leader we thought would be dumb and easy to manipulate. What do we do now?"

"How about we go have lunch at T.G.I. Friday's?" Candy said. "I know it's not evil, but they have great appetizers."

Cheney shrugged. "Yeah. Sure."

Rating: 2.5/5 (30 votes cast)

Comments (19) | In My World
The Window Is Closing
Posted by Frank J. at 09:30 AM | Email This

Just a reminder, if we're planning on new missions to the moon, we better nuke it soon as demonstration of our awesome power so that the radiation has time to dissipate. Astronauts already have to pass through the Van Allen radiation belt, so why make things worse for them. The longer we wait to nuke the moon, the more irresponsible it becomes.

Rating: 3.0/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (15)
March 20, 2007
American Idol Six - Top Eleven
Posted by sarahk at 09:54 PM | Email This

Hey, America! You're in control. This is American Idol.

Yes, you're so in control that Sanjaya will sing your favoritest songs tonight. Sing you a little lullaby.

Paula is giggly on her intro. That should be good for seal claps and Paula super crazy factor. Right off the bat, she tells the contestants to picture Simon nude. She admits to Simon that she does so.

Oh bother. It's the '60s night. British invasion work-in, but I'm sure they can sing whatever they want. Peter Noone and Lulu are here. Ok, so let's review. '60s night. Sunday night it took me over an hour to get to sleep. Tonight, I think I'll take an American Idol-brand sedative.

01 Haley Scarnato is singing "Tell Him" in hoo-hah shorts and an armpit blouse. With high-heels. I don't understand the shorts and high-heels thing. And there's a big armpitty high-five. Her entire back is bare. It was so boring and lackluster for me. I can't even snark much, because there was just nothing there. America will forget her by the end of the night. Bottom three without a doubt this week. Standing ovation? Do the people in the audience have buzzers on their seats that require that they shoot up at the end of the song? RANDY: Yo yo, Haley's back, best ever from you (??), definite YO factor, baby! Have my puppies! Haley's back in the competition! PAULA: You had a girlish quality, you flirted, you were adorable, good for you! SIMON: I used the "minx" word on Kellie Pickler last year, so I have to go with you naughty little thing. Young, fun, a little shrieky in the middle, but everyone will talk about a lot more than your singing tonight. SARAHK: You mean the armpits and jiggly bits? And the giant saucers that are hanging from her ears? For me, it went on forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and... you get the point. My eyes are already heavy.


Rating: 2.8/5 (35 votes cast)

Comments (15) | SarahK's TV stuff
Now He'll Just Be a Mean Tease If He Doesn't Run
Posted by Frank J. at 01:30 PM | Email This

Remember this Fred Thompson fact:

"Fred Thompson once stood on our south border and glared at Mexico. There was no illegal immigration for a month."

If you thought I was making things up, here's Fred Thompson telling us what he thinks about the Mexican government.

Foreign leaders should realize that it's a very bad thing if Fred Thompson knows your name.

Rating: 2.3/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (11)
A Drug That Eliminates Tragic Events?
Posted by RightWingDuck at 11:10 AM | Email This

Drudge is linking to an article that shows amazing progress in the field of mental health. It turns out that scientists are working on a new drug that can help remove painful memories. As a Doctor myself, I'm always happy to see new medicines come along to offer help and comfort.

I understand some of you are on a budget, or maybe you need relief right away.

May I make a recommendation?


Rating: 2.6/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (13)
The Iraq War Is Nothing But a Huge Waste
An Editorial by Frank J.
Posted by Frank J. at 11:08 AM | Email This

 As I see images of the Iraq war on TV, I can't help but think what a huge waste it all is. So many promises were made before it all started, but they are so hollow now. The other day, I met a soldier returning from Iraq, and I asked him, "What do you think you're doing over there?"

 He told me, "We're helping the Iraqi people become free and secure."

 Of course, I then spat on him. My car doesn't run on democratically elected Iraqis.

 We were told this was a war for oil. That's something I could get behind. It was something I could understand. I pay tax money, and, in return, the government sends rough men out to seize cheap oil on my behalf. It's been four years; we should have sucked the place dry by now. Instead, we were trying to do what? Create a democratic Iraq? It's a war, not a social science project!

"My car doesn't run on democratically elected Iraqis."

 I have heard from numerous troops how much they like helping the Iraqi. Well, I guess it's all well and fine then if they enjoy it. Then again it is on my dime. What do you soldiers think you were given assault rifles for? So you could hand out books to school children? So I'm supposed to sit here at tolerate rising gas prices while my tax money is going to fund the military acting like the international version of the book mobile?

They're foreign. Kill them.

 When the did the military ever get it in its head that it's supposed to help people? The only thing it's supposed to help people do is kick the oxygen habit. We fund our soldiers for one purpose and one purpose only: To kill foreigners. All of them. I don't care what their race, creed, or religion is; if they are foreign, then make them dead. Our sovereignty and our gas budgets are going to always be at risk as long as foreignness are allowed to exist. That's why the founding father formed a standing army and sent them out with but one instruction: Kill! Thus, it should be of no concern to our troops whether a foreigner is free or not free. They should only judge foreigners as dead or not dead.

 Really; there are no shades of gray here. It's just a binary equation. If a foreigner is in state "not dead" then change him to state "dead." If "dead," then move on. It's so simple, an elementary computer program could do it. Actually, there is no reason we can't have robots with quite basic programming roaming the country side killing foreigners; is there like some union for the military that keeps troops from being replaced with machines? If not, just give me some grant money and I'll make you those robots. They'll constantly refuel themselves by eating small children. Then, if anyone complains about the kill-bots, you can just say, "Sorry. We can't do anything about them. They've gone crazy and their out of our control."

 I think that's something people would be proud to have their tax money fund.

Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of such books as "The Chronicles of Dubya Volume 1: The Defeat of Saddam" and "Children Are Our Future of Alternative Fuel".

Rating: 2.2/5 (26 votes cast)

Comments (31) | Editorials
The Media Went Liberal? How Did They Have Time with All the War Protesting?
Posted by Frank J. at 08:05 AM | Email This
Your average local news staff.
Surprising to no one but idiots, most Americans think the media has a liberal bias -- including a significant percentage of Democrats. Really, who could be so obtuse as to think the media is right-leaning? Are left-wingers so hostile to alternative viewpoints that the merest hint of facts opposed to their thinking makes them freak out and cry foul?

To accept that, one has to believe an extreme, cartoonish stereotype of liberals. Sure, it's a stereotype based in reality and solid fact -- but its a cartoonish stereotype nonetheless. Thus we... uh...

I was so sure I had a point. Well, I reason through the issues enough already; come up with your own concluding point in the comments.

Rating: 2.7/5 (21 votes cast)

Comments (16)
March 19, 2007
24 Day 6 -- 7 p.m. to 8 p.m. (an actual DVR-delayed liveblog - finally!)
Posted by sarahk at 10:47 PM | Email This

Previously on 24, Martha Logan stabbed Charles Logan for his past crimes, and when they cuffed her, she said, "What's that for? They should give me a medal." Amen, sista. Also, she and Aaron are together, which is awesome, but he's been relegated to being kind of her errand boy, which makes me like him less, and even though Martha is not with Charles anymore and is with a much better dude, and Charles is the one who made her crazy, she's in a mental institution. Which kinda makes me crinkle my forehead in annoyance. Welcome to Day 6.

That's pretty much all the good stuff that happened last week. Or this season after Jack shot Curtis in the neck.

I guess I'll snark tonight, but not in detail. Are y'all excited? Me almost too.

I don't know who I have to tell that the V-Cast commercials are disgusting and unclean, but again! Nobody is putting his earbuds in my ears. It's my policy.

Ooooh! Jack's gonna find out something about Audrey tonight! I hope it's that she's a terrorist. Or dead. Or underwent electroshock therapy to become not whiny. How 'bout it, science?

More last week on 24: Vice President Noah Daniels has a square face and is a bit power hungry. OH! And last week, when I was snarking this and never finished it, because the show is so boring now, I wrote the following. It's too good not to share with you:

The guy at the Russian embassy who was helping Jack and wearing a red shirt gets killed by the guy who always played an extra named Vasiliy on ALIAS.


LOL, last week, I named the Vice President "Vice President OTT", and I have no idea what OTT stands for. Anyone know? I apparently did not tell my husband. I was too busy with my laughing fit about Vasiliy to go back and fill in the acronym even once. Anyway, I'm going to call him VPOTT, and maybe one of you will come up with what OTT (yeah, you know me) stands for.

Finally Jack has told Buchanan that Gredenko and bin Diesel are in the Shadow Valley. Doyle lets Jack know quickly that he, not Jack, is in charge. Well, that's good, because when Jack is in charge, Jack shoots Curtis in the neck, and SarahK holds grudges FOREVER and stops snarkage. Jack has internal bleeding. Buchanan tells VPOTT that Gredenko has the drones with the nukes in the SV, yo, and OTT smirks and chuckles, because that (the smirking) solves national security problems.

In the SV, yo, Gredenko is all talking like Jack with the d word and tells bin Diesel that the Americans know where they are. Bin Diesel says hey, now it's Markov's fault that the Americans found us out, and blah blah blah, we're tired of you making us feel like we have little penises. Tonight you Russians are the ones with the tiny wee-wees! Ha ha! It's your faults! Not ours for once! We get to have bigger wangs for once. Gredenko says they need to get out of the SV, yo, now and launch one of the drones right now. His small-peep'd underling says the Americans will shoot it down before it reaches its target -- well, thanks for ruining the ending of the episode for us! -- but launches the drone anyway. They start to move out as the drone launches. Yawn.

Nadia (Yassir) is visibly upset and has caught the 24 whisper disease. Milo asks if she's ok. No, not really. Chloe comes over. She finally had a good line last episode ("I'm feeling ambivalent"), so I have hope for her. She tells Milo and Nadia (Yassir) that she noticed Nadia (Yassir) is doing work under Milo's account. See, I'm feeling ambivalent, too, because I like Chloe because she shot up terrorists in season 4. Yet I like Milo because he blew stuff up in season 6. I have no feelings on Nadia (Yassir), because she has proven herself neither to be a mole nor a mole outer, and all she is is a boring subplot thus far. So it's a conflict between two characters, one of whom I have liked for two seasons longer, but who honestly has started to annoy me this season because she won't just let her ex-husband alone, and because coital bliss is making her a boring character. Anyway, Chloe says she's not doing anything about the noticing, she just wants them to know, because if she noticed, someone else will notice. Chloe's way too nice since Deadger died.

Morris has found the drone, so we have found the plot for this episode. All we have to find out now is whether this nuke is headed for L.A. or... L.A... HAHAHAHA. This show is too predictable. One day the terrorists will learn that Chloe O'Brien lives in L.A. and will decide that maybe she doesn't want to die today. She's like Superman without the Kryptonite weakness. Perhaps they should try Chicago. San Francisco? Uh, I don't know... Miami. Though I'd equally miss any American city, blah blah, disclaimer, not advocating, usual stuff.

Anyway, a shocker occurs! Morris has lost the drone off his little drone map. So we have our problem for the hour. The General on the path to intercept will stay in a holding pattern.

Meanwhile, Gredenko's little-peep'd guy tells G that he has disabled CTU's ability to track the drone. Wily bees! Get it? Drone? Bees? Yeah, me either.

In Washington, where it is after Bisquick's bedtime, Bisquick is in the Bunker telling VPOTT (what does that MEAN?) that CTU lost the drone. VPOTT gets all yelly and interrupts Bisquick to assemble the Joint Chiefs. He tells the peeps assembled in the bunker that he will ask the Joint Chiefs to draw up targets in some unnamed Middle Eastern country (that country Assad was from -- you know, Assad is the dead terrorist that Jack murdered Curtis to save -- in vain, mind you) for his own nuclear strike. I'll bet President Waynewreck would be NOT on board with this. Especially since he's a giant wuss who would have to see his entire country destroyed before he'd even think about retaliation.

I'm torn over this. Not over 24. I'm quite sure it's boring this season. I'm torn over whether I like this whole retaliation thing. On one hand, I'm the viewer, so I know everything going on... plus, I know China's got to have some part in this, the stinkin' Commies... not to mention that VPOTT is so smarmy that I feel like I should go wipe the TV screen at every commercial break to clean the slime off the screen. Icky.


Rating: 2.5/5 (26 votes cast)

Comments (11) | SarahK's TV stuff
Do You Think My Cleavage Has Enough Glitter?
Posted by Frank J. at 10:27 PM | Email This

What are phrases constantly heard in the Dancing with Stars changing room?

Seriously, though, SarahK made me watch this tonight before 24, and I had thought the inclusion of Heather Mills was a bad joke. But, upon seeing the show, her segment was tastefully done and -- I'll say it -- a bit inspiring. I honestly could not tell she had a prosthetic leg during her dance number. I guess fake leg technology has evolved leaps and bounds since the introduction of the peg.

Rating: 2.2/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (6)
If Fred Thompson Were in It, the Movie Would Be Called "1" and Sparta Would Win
Posted by Frank J. at 08:05 PM | Email This

I think I stole that from someone. Well, if you don't want your bon mots stolen, don't leave them out so they're easily accessible.

Anyway, I've yet to see 300, but I want to. And, since it has the Iranian disapproval and the Fred Thompson approval, I guess it's a must see (BTW, it's good to see Fred Thompson corrected his dates from earlier today; how can we expect kids today to respect anyone who doesn't know the correct date for battle of Thermopylae?).

Rating: 2.6/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (13)
We're Also Banned in Atlantis for Defamation of Their King
Posted by Frank J. at 04:20 PM | Email This

According to this site, IMAO is banned in China. Well, two can play at this game. From here on, China is banned at IMAO. If you want to be a Communist, do it somewhere else. Otherwise, the helpful staff here at IMAO will throw you in a prison camp where you'll be forced to go through all my old posts correcting the grammar.

(hat tip to reader Chris D)

Rating: 2.3/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (16)
The Js: Traffic Stop
Posted by Frank J. at 01:02 PM | Email This

NOTE: All "The Js" comics are based on true stories.

Rating: 2.3/5 (53 votes cast)

Comments (14) | Frank the Artist
Attack of the Light Bulb Nazis - Updated 3-19-07 9pm
Posted by Harvey at 11:44 AM | Email This

Ok, so there's this bunch of loonies that wants to take away my Constitutional right to incandescent light bulbs, and FORCE me to use compact flourescent bulbs, like I'm some sort of commie serf.

Well... I guess I'll go along with it, since they'll shoot me if I don't and this isn't worth dying for. It's not like they're taking away my porn.

Just one question, though:

How am I supposed to operate my Easy-Bake Oven?

UPDATE 3-19-07 9pm:

Reader Guillaume points out that it's not just my Easy-Bake that's in trouble.

Rating: 2.6/5 (25 votes cast)

Comments (21)
Do You Know Where Your Kids Are? If Not, They're Probably with Terrorists
Posted by Frank J. at 10:02 AM | Email This

The FBI had said that members of known terrorist organizations have tried to get licenses to drive school buses but there is no reason to panic. Because, really, what's to panic about? Extremists controlling a bus full of school children -- how in the world could that be used for terror?

When red lights flash, stop at least fifty feet away from the bus in case it explodes.
I expect some people to panic, though. They'll be yelling, "Why are our troops over in Iraq shooting insurgents when they should be here at home shooting bus drivers?" This is a good and rational question. People are often scared about the welfare of their children -- especially if their children are being driven at high speeds by terrorists.

To help assuage everyone's completely rational fears, I offer these tips to help kids deal with terrorism:


* Never trust strangers with candy; only trust strangers with bacon so you can be sure they are not Muslim extremists.

* If you suspect a teacher at school is a terrorist, contact the nearest authority. If you're at a public school, then contact a fellow student since he'll probably have a gun.

* To counter terrorist bus drivers, make sure to watch the movie Speed to see how someone with the IQ of a small child can handle a speeding bus with a bomb.

* If your PE teacher degrades and tortures you, that's normal; it doesn't mean he's a terrorist.

* Just looking for Arabs is an ignorant and bigoted way to try and weed out terrorists. Terrorists can be Persians as well.

* While sometimes indicative of terrorism, a desire to kill lots of children just to prove a point is actually common among bus drivers.

Rating: 2.7/5 (21 votes cast)

Comments (9)
Extreme Views
Posted by Frank J. at 08:14 AM | Email This

I don't think nuclear weapons should be allowed for public use... even if said use could be interpreted as an exercise of free speech.

Rating: 2.2/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (10)
March 18, 2007
His and Hers
Posted by Frank J. at 06:34 PM | Email This

via Frank

Rating: 2.7/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (12)
March 17, 2007
Now With Handy Self-Parodying Feature
Posted by Harvey at 05:15 AM | Email This

I read this:

Karl Rove and his manipulative, behind the scenes machinations continue even though he had to resign in disgrace from BushCo. Also, the willing tools of the Republican killing machine, including Karl Rove, with whom they have formed an unholy alliance, Move America Forward, are helping Rove whip a group called "Gathering of Eagles" into a frenzy over something that is not and was not ever going to occur. Okay, I am not sure that Karl Rove started this particular pile of horse pucky, but it sure has his stank all over it, so we are going to pretend for the sake of argument that it was Karl, or someone just like him. BushCo employees Roves like McDonald’s employs fry cooks.

And thought, "This HAS to be Frank J.'s work".

Or at least Scrappleface.

Possibly the Onion.

Turns out it's Cindy Sheehan.

Seriously, if I just cut & paste her crap and posted it under my name, would you have ANY reason to believe it wasn't a joke?

Rating: 2.9/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (14)
March 16, 2007
Fun Facts About Ireland
Posted by Harvey at 11:36 PM | Email This

In honor of St. Patrick's day, I thought I'd take the time to share a few items that I made turned up while researching the Emerald Isle:

* Ireland was founded in 432 AD by a group of masochists who actually ENJOYED leading bleak lives of hopeless despair. Many of their descendants would later emigrate to Chicago and become Cubs fans.

* In 1998 Danny O'Malley of Dublin created the first internet search engine to specialize in Irish-related information: Alcohoogle.

* Currently, every search term entered returns the Guinness home page.

* To prevent illegal immigration into the country, Irish Border Patrol members guard the country's beaches by hurling empty whiskey bottles at swimmers.

* The Irish possess the most unstoppable Special Forces in the world, which are capable of successfully invading any nation with at least one distillery.

* According to noted zoologist Jonathan Swift, the Irish - unlike rattlesnakes - really DO taste like chicken.

* Ireland has long been famous for the irritable temperament of its inhabitants. It used to be called Angerland, until St. Patrick realized that "ire" was a much more sophisticated-sounding word.

* The national symbol of Ireland is the shamrock. Which used to be called the "samrock", but the new pronunciation quickly took over, since that's how a liquored-to-the-gills Irishman would pronounce it, anyway.

* Another important symbol of Ireland is the hardwood cudgel known as the "shillelagh". Which used to be called a "salay", but changed for the same reason as the samrock.

* In a fight between Aquaman and Ireland, Aquaman would die messily when his dolphin "mysteriously" exploded, with the IRA claiming responsibility shortly afterwards.

* The Irish are a clever and inventive people who are popularly credited with inventing several different types of bar soap. None of which they've been able to sell to France.

* Which really sucks, because France is upwind.

* Before switching to the Euro in 1999, the Irish had a dual currency system, where both Guinness bottle caps and whiskey labels circulated freely alongside each other.

* There was also a brief experimental period with British currency, but - like most things in Ireland featuring the Queen's portrait - the bills quickly became too spit-soaked for practical usage.

* Although the Irish claim to have their own language, it's actually just a form of English that they picked up from watching Lucky Charms commercials.

* Even though Ireland thinks it's better than the US, I think the fact that Americans can dance AND use their arms at the same time proves them wrong.

* While Ireland DOES have a President and a Parliament, the true power rests in the hands of Bono and his mysterious Leprechaun Council.

* Despite the impression given by the Notre Dame mascot, not all Irish are obnoxious, chrome-domed troublemakers. Just Sinead O'Connor.

* Ireland is a country blessed with vast, verdant grasslands. Plants grow well there because of the soil's incredibly high content of organic minerals - a result of the Irish peeing all over the place as they stagger from pub to pub.

* Much like the fabled elephant graveyard, the Irish have a secret bog where they go off to die when they become too feeble to lift a glass.

* In Ireland, starting a fight by punching someone in the face is considered a friendly greeting. Starting a fight by throwing your drink in someone's face, however, is grossly insulting, wastes precious alcohol, and carries the death penalty.

* Only one Irishman has ever won the Tour de France (Stephen Roche, 1987). Although this SOUNDS pathetic, I'm actually quite impressed that they found someone sober enough to sit on a bicycle without toppling over.

* Irish pop band The Boomtown Rats recently scored their first hit single since 1979 with their War on Terror ballad, "I Don't Like Mohammeds".

* Like the US, Ireland's constitution guarantees its citizens the right to free speech. It doesn't do them any good, though, since the only difference between Irish speech and incoherent drunk-dialing is the phone.

* The Titanic was built by the Belfast shipbuilding company, Harland & Wolff. Although the company was eventually cleared of negligence charges for its part in the ill-fated ship's construction, they WERE convicted of giving Leonardo DiCaprio career options beyond "pretty man-whore".

* The first Irishman in America, Paddy O'Tatertot, was also the man who built Notre Dame college and started its legendary football program. This caused the mass immigration of the Irish to America in the late 1800s, as they all wanted to see this union of the two best aspects of their country - devout religion and open-field brawling.

* Ireland's 1996 Olympic Gold Medal swimmer, Michelle Smith, was banned from the sport in 1999 for substance abuse after her urine sample was found to contain enough alcohol to qualify for a proof rating.

* Sad thing is, that last one was completely true. Personally, I don't think it's fair to test the Irish for alcohol. It's like testing SpongeBob for seawater.


Rating: 2.8/5 (81 votes cast)

Comments (10) | Fun Trivia
Check it out, scrot.
Posted by Cadet Happy at 09:43 PM | Email This


It's no "It's Pat", but this movie is definitely worth seeing. Fox inexplicably killed what what would have been a slightly above average comedy, and condoned it to "direct to dvd" status. It's better than that. If you like "Office Space" or you should definitely see this.

Rating: 2.6/5 (21 votes cast)

Comments (6)
Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader?
Posted by Cadet Happy at 08:21 PM | Email This


Rating: 2.5/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (5)
Posted by Cadet Happy at 07:36 PM | Email This


Rating: 2.8/5 (23 votes cast)

Comments (5)
What is Mahmoud Abbas Praying For? #26
Posted by Laurence Simon at 03:17 PM | Email This

It's Friday, so it's time for the wire services to post the non sequitur non-news story of Mahmoud Abbas praying at a mosque.

However, this week's different... this week we're going to start a new feature called:


So, from Mahmoud Abbas' expressions, can you tell what Mahmoud Abbas is praying for?

Is it:

a) He's worked too hard and slept with way to many producers for this, dammit. It's the center square in Ramallah Squares or nothing!

b) Sure, "Allah Says" is fun, but one day ... just one day, can't we play "Spin The RPG" ?

c) Bawk!



Put your guesses in the comments.

Rating: 2.5/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (6)
Where's Your Head Re: Fred?
Posted by spacemonkey at 10:52 AM | Email This
Will you vote for Fred Thompson for President?
Yes, the other GOP Candidates are wankers.
Yes, the field is weak, Fred is strong.
Yes, the Voices DEMAND it!
Yes, all my friends are, I need to fit in.
Yes, I fear what Fred would do to me if I didn't. GO FRED!
Yes, but I'm not sure why.
Yes, if he runs.
Yes, he's a man of integrity, and dagnabbit he just seems so frakking presidential.
No, I'm an idiot. I also take craps without a plan and without toilet paper
No, I hate America, Americans and apple pie.
No, I'm prefer my President to have no spine or simply be a Socialist
No, I hate law and order, and also the TV series of the same name.
pollcode.com free polls

Rating: 2.6/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (18)
Friday Catblogging
Posted by Laurence Simon at 10:26 AM | Email This

Since it's Friday, I thought I'd spread the joy of humor-free, apolitical Friday Catblogging to IMAO (aka "I-MEOW").

Can't think. Full of Cajun food. Brain clogged with spicy, fattiness.

Anyway, it's time for Nardo the Flippykitty:

If you're not sure how this absurd scene pertains to IMAO, since IMAO is famous for that "political humor" thing, it doesn't. If you must have some semblance of politics or humor in everything you read here, just assume that Nardo is... um...

Help me out here. Make your suggestions in the comments how this scene is, in fact, a political allegory.

The six catcams are on during the day, every weekday.

Friday Ark #130 is at The Modulator.

Carnival of the Cats is Sunday.


Rating: 2.3/5 (28 votes cast)

Comments (3) | Friday Cat-Blogging
What's wrong with this picture of IMAO's Token Jew eating crawdads?
Posted by Laurence Simon at 09:57 AM | Email This

From Houston's EATAPETA gathering at Rajun Cajun:

Answer below the fold...


Rating: 3.1/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (8)
March 15, 2007
Posted by Frank J. at 08:24 PM | Email This


The biggest on-field question surrounding Bonds this season is whether he will hit the 22 home runs he needs to break Hank Aaron's career home run mark of 755. Bonds said he didn't know if Aaron would be on hand if he's in position to break the record and wasn't about to predict when that milestone homer might come.

"I just want to do it. Period," he said.

Bonds said he would have probably broken Aaron's mark if not for the knee injuries that limited him to 14 games in 2005 and slowed him down for much of last season as well.

Rating: 2.2/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (9)
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 07:32 PM | Email This

Identify the Janus-faced pig:



Rating: 2.5/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (11)
Saving Our Children: An Editorial By RightWingDuck
Posted by RightWingDuck at 01:59 PM | Email This

We at IMAO agree with the principles set forth by Texas Governor Perry. It’s time to put aside petty politics and do the things we need to protect our children. That’s why today we’re here to ask you to join us in a worthwhile cause. You see, it’s easy to say, “Well, my children won’t engage in THAT type of behavior so what risk do they really run?” But we never know, do we? Sometimes kids can be innocent victims, other times, they’re lured into that lifestyle by that crazy music.

That’s why today we’re asking you to sign a petition to enforce a new law.

The Every Student Wears A Bullet Proof Vest Program.

Yes, we can hear you with your typical blather and objections.

“I don’t believe in guns.”

Or “I don’t believe in guns before marriage.”

Or “Will this vest make me look fat?”

But that doesn’t matter. The horrible reality is that science has not yet developed a cure for a bullet to the heart. Maybe one day we’ll have a cure for this developed by leading scientists or Al Gore, but that’s decades away from happening.

Yes, we must protect our kids. Furthermore, We’re tired of all these kids shooting other innocent bystander kids. Violence, like sex, is a deep primal urge. It is foolish - and a violation of free speech - to try to control this urge. Rather, much like sex education, we should teach kids about these urges and how to carry them out responsibly. For example, very few schools have classes in Marksmanship. Why? Probably because of the Radical Religious Left and their uncontrolled “riflephobia.” Yet how many senseless deaths could have been avoided if we had taught proper trigger control? .

Our high school kids need help and special attention. Otherwise, most of them will get distracted and start doing things they shouldn’t really be doing – like homework. So enough with the obstruction to these programs. The vests, the marksmanship – these things will help stop the senseless loss of innocent life.

Here’s how the program works.

Students are issued bullet proof vests. They wear the vests everywhere kids hang out – school, the mall, myspace. If they get shot in the vest, it saves their lives, which of course if the purpose of our amazing program. Students are issued a new vest when it gets too full of bullets or the student gets too fat. Vests would be available in designer colors and styles.

Now, some parents may want to abstain from this program for religious beliefs. I say No Way! Some ideas are just too silly.


Do it for the children.

Rating: 2.4/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (11)
... and in a fight with Aquaman, the cat would kick his butt, too.
Posted by Laurence Simon at 01:46 PM | Email This

Let's see... a television reporter holding a cat during a live shot, and...


Rating: 2.4/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (12)
Posted by Laurence Simon at 01:42 PM | Email This

Yes, it's the day you've been waiting for: It's International Eat A Tasty Animal For PETA Day.

Since Deskmerc takes Thursdays off now, I went to lunch with another carnivore looking to celebrate EATAPETA 2007.

We ate at the same place Deskmerc and I ate last year... a hickory BBQ kind of place just down the street.

Coworker has a half-pound burger, and I had chicken-fried steak.

Yeah, I'm going to have to limit myself to a pound of crawdads tonight... but at least I'm getting exercise by walking to and from the restaurant, right?

What animals are you eating today?

If y'all have photos needed to be added to the gallery, send them to peta (at) isfullofcrap.com.

Rating: 2.6/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (21)
He Was Thirsty, So They Gave Him Water... And a Plastic Sheet So He Didn't Get Wet
Posted by Frank J. at 12:00 PM | Email This

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed has confessed to planning 9/11. I guess we can finally put that ugly episode behind us.

That's great timing for the Democrats, because they were really afraid that terrorism would still be an issue in 2008. Anytime Americans are concerned about serious issues, it's bad news for Democrats in the polls. Where Democrats excel is piddling crap issues, and now it's time to promote those to the front for their presidential run.


* Potholes: While spending all its time and money on terrorism, our roads have been neglected. Isn't a bumpy ride the real terrorism? Democrats vow to fill potholes with whatever it is is supposed to go in them. Possibly tar.

* Teenagers: While fighting foreign enemies, the domestic one, adolescents, have gotten even bolder. They are now hanging out in front of an increasing number of businesses and wearing increasingly dumber looking clothing. Democrats vow to ask them to hang out somewhere else, and they won't easily take "No" for an answer.

* Cold Hands: To fight cold hands, Democrats vow to fund mitten awareness. They think this problem can be eliminated by 2015.

* Lost: The American people have lost faith in the show Lost, and polls show that the majority now believe that a satisfying conclusion to the show is impossible. Democrats vow to get the cast of Lost off the island and to put a new reality show about singing and dancing in the time slot.

* Global Warming: It's getting warmer, and it's time to do something about that before... uh... it gets warmer than we'd like. The American people can rest assured that Democrat leaders are sitting in their 80,000 room homes with all the lights on (to scare away ghosts) thinking of solutions and buying carbon offsets to help save the world.

* Barking Dogs: While stuck in an illegal war, dogs have continued to bark, their pleas going unheard. Democrats vow to find whatever it is that the dogs are barking about and appease them.

What problems do you have that you want Democrats to campaign against?

Rating: 3.0/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (25)
Question of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 10:00 AM | Email This

If we could eat global warming, what would it taste like?

I think it would be buttery, but I don't know if that's the scientific consensus.

Rating: 1.9/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (35)
Time to Clear Up a Few Things
Posted by Aquaman at 08:14 AM | Email This

You're gay.Hey, homos; it's Aquaman!

After my last post, I feel the need to clear up a few misconceptions. First off, it's true that I beat up Nazis along side that wuss Captain America. Yes, he's Marvel and I'm DC, but that's just politics involving publication rights. So, not all my adventures get the press they deserve, but that's okay; I'm not same glory-hog like certain men in tights.

Second, some of you seem to feel the need to question my sexuality. That's a little thing called "projection."

If that was too subtle, here it is again: You're the one who's gay.

In fact, this has to be the gayest site around because, judging from the comments, all the readers here are completely flaming.

Thirdly... well, I guess I should say something political...

Oh, I know: Guess who else is gay? Fred Thompson. Of course, he's not as gay as this whole love fest going on here. I guess you guys will eat up any homo-erotic Chuck Norris facts ripoff.

Hey... that gives me an idea to build up popularity for a comeback...

Anyway, one final thing: Just because you're in the ocean doesn't mean you can pee anywhere you feel like it.

Rating: 2.0/5 (26 votes cast)

Comments (11) | Aqua-Adventures
March 14, 2007
American Idol Six - Top Twelve elimination night
Posted by sarahk at 09:49 PM | Email This

Hi. Welcome. Ryan is so proud of the "come out of the closet" script with Simon last night that he wants you to see it again. Also a replay of The Children™. Tonight they are doing a dreaded Diana Ross medley that starts with a crazy-eyed Phil staring at Brandon or someone equally forgettable. Please make it stop. My head is KILLING me.

Here is the first awful Ford commercial. The kids are so pleased with themselves. Was that Bo Bice or Chris Richardson at the beginning? The song is "Float On". Float away.

LaKisha is safe.
Gina is safe. Yay!
Brandon is in the bottom three.
Jordin is safe. She is very smiley.
Chris Richardson has many fans in the audience. He is safe.
Melinda, also many many fans. She is safe.
Phil Stacey is IN THE BOTTOM THREE! Wow, I kinda didn't see that one coming.
Chris Sligh is safe. Yay!
Stephanie is safe.
Blake has many fans. He is back next week, safe.
We'll find out if it's Haley or Sanjaya in the bottom three after the break. I'm telling you, it's Sanjaya.

American Idol for the Challenged question: Which Idol did Simon predict would sell more albums than any other? Kelly Clarkson, Carrie Underwood, or Taylor Hicks. Y'all, I'm sure it was Taylor. Simon thought Taylor was the bestest Idol ever.

Diana Ross is out to perform. She is in a long ruby dress with this giant feather shawl that she carries behind her to look like a butterfly until she starts to sing, then she holds it to one side, then she gets tired of it and throws it on the floor. She's classy and flashy and insists that the crowd sing along to "I Love You More Today Than Yesterday", a song which she does not pronunciate. Ryan asks Diana three times who is going home tonight, and after she talks about inspiration, he asks, "Who's going home?" and she says, "You know what? Me." She's adorable with all that wild hair.

After the break, SANJAYA!! joins Phil and Brandon in the bottom three. Haley can't believe her schmucky tears got her to the safety couch. So there is justice, somewhat, and the bottom three is an all-male stinker.

Right away, Ryan sends Phil and his hinky bald head back to safety. His wife is so happy. Phil just looks ticked off that he was even in the bottom three to begin with. Like it's a chore for him to walk back to safety. I'm sure Brandon would love to take your spot on the couch. How about a smile and a thank you, Smarmyface? Now I like him even less. That's like negative like.

So it's Sanjaya and it's Brandon. I still say Brandon is going. And Brandon is out. Sing it with me. He's going home to the place where he belongs. La la la la la a la la la la la laaaaaaaaaa. I only know the first line.

Rating: 2.6/5 (29 votes cast)

Comments (15) | SarahK's TV stuff
New RightWing Sympathy Cards - Featuring Jiggy
Posted by RightWingDuck at 07:12 PM | Email This

Over at RightWingNews, I read about the newest abortion sympathy cards offered online.

What do you offer a mother who just killed her unborn child? An E-Card of course!!

Which leads me to launch the creation of new IMAO cards.

Here's my newest character just for right wing causes.




Rating: 2.5/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (7)
Unintentionally funny . . .
Posted by Frank J. at 06:49 PM | Email This

Why is the MSM going apoplectic over the firing of nine U.S. Attorneys (who serve entirely at the President's discretion), when President Clinton fired 93 of them in one fell swoop when he went into office for no reason other than that they were appointed by Republican Presidents?

ABC refuses to acknowledge Clinton's mass firings at all, while NPR has "experts" on who lie about it.

Rating: 3.1/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (10)
Iran Upset about 300
Posted by spacemonkey at 06:04 PM | Email This

Was it because of the lack of Spartan breastplates? Was it because they enjoyed the lack of Spartan breastplates?

Was it because it makes Democrats appeasers look bad? Appeasee's hate it when appeasers get ridiculed.

Maybe it was the ticket prices. Long lines at the concession stand? Popcorn too salty?

Wait just a minute. How have Iranians even SEEN this movie? It just got released in the states. One almost gets the feeling they know the story and are mad because its probably accurate.

Rating: 2.5/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (19)
Happy Pi Day
Posted by Frank J. at 02:22 PM | Email This


Rating: 2.2/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (20) | I Hate Frank
In My World: He Couldn't Find a Plausible Reason for Wanting a New Safe
Posted by Frank J. at 10:55 AM | Email This

"Mr. President, what's going on?" Tony Snow asked.

"Shh!" Bush held a knife ready to cut a rope that came through the window of the Oval Office. "I'm trying to drop a piano on Chuck Hagel. This took a lot of time to set up, so don't screw it up! I even had to convince the staff I wanted a new piano and the only way to get was to bring it up through the window here."

Tony looked around. "They took out a wall."

"Yeah, and then I had to set up a dummy corporation, get it listed on NASDAQ, rough it through a trouble quarter, and finally get enough credibility that I could have it offer a humanitarian award to Chuck Hagel that's about to awarded to him right below this piano."

"Did this corporation have any employees?" Tony asked.

"It won't tomorrow." Bush watched out the window. "Now!" He sliced the rope and outside there was a loud, musical crash followed by a scream. "Aww... I only got his leg." He closed the window. "Well, I did my best. So, did you need something, Snowman?"

"Well... there's... um... you know there's a huge crowd gasping in horror out there?"

"There pretty much always is. Just ignore them. Now spit it out, Tony."

He held out some papers. "There's some domestic business to handle--"

"What?! Haven't I done enough presidenting for one week?! I thought this was going to be about ice cream?"

"Um... ice cream?"

"Yeah. Like maybe you had some ice cream for me."


Bush sighed. "You are so stupid, Snowman. So, what is this domestic business?"

"Well, apparently, when you last visited Mexico, you left the gate open when you came back and a ton of Mexicans flooded in."

Bush laughed. "Yeah, I 'accidentally' left it open. There's nothing I love more than flooding this country with Mexicans. Know who I hate, Snowman?"

"The American people?"

"Yep. They're whiny."

Harry Reid stormed into the room. "We Democrats have our new plan for your war." He slammed the plan down on Bush's desk.

Bush looked the plan over. "This isn't a war plan! This is a losing plan!" Bush leaped over the desk and grabbed Reid. "I told you I don't want to hear anymore of you Democrats and losing!" He started slamming Reid's head into the desk over and over while screaming, "No losing! No losing!" After a few seconds, he stopped and looked at Tony. "Slamming his head into the desk just isn't working anymore. I think I need to slam the desk into his head. You hold him still on the ground and then I'll push the desk over on top of his face."

Reid struggled free and ran away. "You're crazy! You even tried to hit Nancy Pelosi with a car!"

"I thought she was a muskrat!" Bush shouted back. "If you ever come here again to talk about losing, I'll murder you dead!"

"I don't think that's the way to get bipartisan support, sir," Tony said.

Bush sat back behind his desk. "I'm going to flood Nevada with Mexicans; that will teach him."

Tony noticed a weird device on a shelf. "What's this?"

"I heard all about this thing called global warming," Bush explained, "so I bought that to measure my carbon footprint."

Tony looked at it more careful. "The meter is all the way at maximum."

"Yeah, I was burning tires in here earlier. Carbon is important for life, you know; we're carbon-based lifeforms."

"I had heard that. Anyway, Mr. President, what should we do about the new flood of illegal immigrants?"

"The usual. Give them the jobs of hardworking Americans and tell anyone who complains to stop hating brown people."

Tony sighed. "I love press conferences." He slowly walked out of the Oval Office.

"Next time you come back, make sure you have ice cream!" Bush went back to reading his comic books. "Idiot."

Rating: 2.4/5 (28 votes cast)

Comments (15) | In My World
March 13, 2007
American Idol Six - Top Twelve
Posted by sarahk at 10:28 PM | Email This

Is everybody watching now?

Really? You chose tonight to start watching? Tonight? Because see, it's Diana Ross night, which means there will be a lot of bad disco and Motown song choosing, and you just might want to die by the end of the night. And not in a good way. Lock up your guns. Mine are in the safe. Ok, not really, but Frank is next to me, and I have faith in him and in my lazy butt. Really. They never pick good songs. They pick the overdone ones that I can't even bear to hear the names of anymore.

The band now has strings and winds, and there's a bigger stage, per usual top 12.

Simon is in a white t-shirt tonight instead of his normal charcoal sweater. No, Simon, those go under the clothes. The judges say their normal blah blah blah about this stage of the game.

Oh no. Diana Ross says she's not a critic. She wants to be the trusting voice and the supportive voice. I liked it when we had David Foster. Wasn't he the one? The one who came in and said that the kids would have been kicked out of his studio? I liked that one.

01 Brandon Rogers is out. He is singing "Can't Hurry Love". I kick you out for selecting the most covered song ever ever. Diana Ross told Brandon to go to his center, his hard place. Wow, his voice just cracked in major fashion. I don't think that was the Tivo. I don't think the hip swinging is going to save you. OH NO! First one out of the gate, and he forgot the words. No no no. Forgot the words to the most overdone song ever. RANDY: Boring, reverted back to a background singer, but your last two notes were like a front singer. PAULA: It's not easy. I know it's nerves. We don't need to tell you what you did wrong. SARAHK: You're the judges. You're waiting for me to tell him? You're waiting for him to look up IMAO when he wakes up in the morning? PAULA: There's a lot you do right. SIMON: Complete letdown, predictable, terrible dancing, forgot the words, no originality, no star quality, came across as a background singer for a background singer. Not good enough, sorry. SARAHK: Yes. That. And I kick you out for song choice alone. Bad Brandon. Bad. Your only hope is if Sanjaya's inexplicable fanbase has been eaten by the boogie monsters under their beds in the past week. And there's always the Queen of the Armpits. You were all bad tonight.

02 Melinda Doolittle. Oh, we're to answering inane viewer email, are we? Cute, maybe I'll send one. What's your favorite color, Ryan? Pink? I knew it! Melinda says the high heels and dresses are the hardest part of the show, and that's something we've heard before from a prior contestant, because it sounds familiar. Anyway, Melinda loves sweats and tennies. Me too. RYAN: Simon, what can you tell her about the high heels? SIMON: You should know, Ryan. RYAN: Stay out of my closet. SARAHK: Thou sayest. SIMON: Come out! SARAHK: Boo-yah. FRANK J.: That was too easy. RYAN: This is about the competition, not your wishes, Simon.

Melinda is all very face-covered-uncomfy during the exchange, but it's a cute back-and-forth, and I especially love how Simon says what I think sometimes. It's fun, our scripted ESP.

Anyway, Melinda is singing "Home" from The Wiz. Proudly, I can say I've never seen that movie all the way through, and I've never heard the song, at least not to my recollection. This is to the advantage of any contestant. If you're saddled with Stevie Wonder night or Motown night or whatever awful theme night they plague my ears with, the least you can do to give yourself a chance is pick an obscure or vague song and sing it well. Trick it up, but don't go crazy. Change a few bars or something. Don't do what Blake did later in the show tonight. That was a mess (sneak preview!).

Anyway, she is modestly dressed, I like that. She does always kind of come across in her dress as a cross between a 1950s housewife and a businesswoman. Does that make sense? It's way better for me than most of the rest of the attire going on here, mind you, because it's modest. Don't get me started, I can go on for hours. Maybe it's the color she is wearing tonight, the very bland black/white/greyish denim thing. But she always looks nice, attractive, and like she respects herself, and I appreciate that and thank her for that.

Oh yes! The singing. Fantastic. I voted for her like ten times. And look, she is crying when she gets the big standing ovation from the crowd. But barely. Just tearing up a little. RANDY: Hot hot hot! Girls 1 Boys 0! SARAHK: Oh YES! PAULA IS OFF HER NUT TONIGHT! SHE'S BAWLING ALREADY, AND IT'S ONLY THE TOP TWELVE! Paula is all-out crying, I am rejoicing. PAULA: Margle wurvy woozy head. Wuv you goo goo! (Simon is laughing.) SIMON: Melinda, why are you crying? (This is in a patronizing tone. I loooove it.) MELINDA: Something incoherent because remember she can't speak directly after singing so powerfully. She's incapable. Especially of saying "thank you". SIMON: You made a very boring song fantastic. You remind me of a young Gladys Knight. FRANK J.: Who? SARAHK: Tell me you're joking. FRANK J.: Gladys who? SARAHK: I'm going to hurt you if you don't tell me you're joking. FRANK J.: Yes, I'm joking. SARAHK: Melinda, it was fantastic. When are you going to thank the judges for the praise? Please? Just for me?

03 Chris Sligh. Haha, he says to Diana Ross that they have the same hair. What? "Endless Love"? Yes, well, I guess there weren't four decades of music for you to pick from, then, were there? But it is Diana Ross night, so what are you to do? I don't like him without the glasses as well, because it seems like he's trying to lose his look a little? The hair went shorter last week, the glasses are off this week. What next week, he starts dressing like Seacrest? Chris, you are who you are, and we like you. BTW, we'd like the humor back. There was a hint with the hair joke with Diana (listen to me call her Diana, we're old friends), keep it coming. "Endless Love", I'm so worried about it, though. Shouldn't I be? I guess we'll see.

This is... interesting. I'm not saying that in a bad way. I had my face all crinkled the whole song, but just because I was trying to make up my mind. He's got a piano rhythm playing in the background that's very familiar, like a Coldplay song. "Yellow", maybe? I don't know which. Anyway, but he's doing the song in that beat, with drums, and I am not once thinking of Lionel Ritchie during this, which is a wondrous thing on any American Idol night. Say it with me, class: "We should never invoke Stevie Wonder, Lionel Ritchie..." I could go on. The vocals are fine, nothing spectacular, but good. I like him and want him to stick around, so I voted for him ten or so times, even though it probably only deserved one vote if that. It was weird, but much better than at least four others tonight, so I have no shame in voting for him so he can stick around. RANDY: You had that Coldplay "Speed of Sound" vibe going, and you don't have to trick stuff up. Sometimes just sing because you have a good voice. Don't worry so much about style and sing your heart out. That was a mess for me, dawg. PAULA: Sometimes I worry that you're trying to be ultra-hip and ultra-cool. Worry less about trying to be contemporary. SARAHK: Paula, sometimes I worry that you try to be ultra-hip and ultra-cool, like when you try to use the words that the kids use. 'Cept they'd probably say Chris is ultra-rad and gnarly, dude. SIMON: You murdered the arrangement. You took a beautiful song and did very bad things to it. SARAHK: You made Chris Sligh sing a Diana Ross song. And one week, you're making him sing J-Lo. Step back, or I'll cut you. SIMON: It was unemotional, uninspiring, and I would keep your glasses on. RYAN: Did you think you would ever be on a stage singing Diana Ross? CHRIS: Yes, Ryan, because the American Idol producers have proven year after year that they despise SarahK and want to make her life miserable. I think the judges didn't like my arrangement more than they didn't like my vocals, so hopefully next week I don't screw up the arrangement in their eyes so badly. SARAHK: Yeah, that's probably a good assessment. FRANK J.: They tell them to take risks, and then they tell them it's not ok to do anything to the songs. SARAHK: And they have Diana Ross night on American Idol.


Rating: 2.8/5 (34 votes cast)

Comments (11) | SarahK's TV stuff
Hillary has a message for you . . .
Posted by Cadet Happy at 10:02 PM | Email This

Yahoo News

Rating: 2.6/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (15)
So many trains, so few tracks . . .
Posted by Cadet Happy at 09:35 PM | Email This


I didn't think anything could make me long for Stevie Wonder night . . . until Diana Ross night.

Rating: 2.3/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (2)
Top 10 Things Gen. Pace Would Do To Improve the Military
Posted by Harvey at 08:41 PM | Email This

Marine Gen. Peter Pace recently said that he disapproved of allowing gays in the military because he thought homosexuality was immoral. If he had his way, what other changes would he make to the US Armed Forces?

10) Ban those gawdawful Black Bean & Rice Burrito MREs.

9) Change the female uniform to that miniskirt & leather boots combo they had on Star Trek.

8) Less talkin', more killin'.

7) Recalibrate terribly inaccurate journalist targeting system.

6) Fix that annoying squeaky wheel on his desk chair.

5) Get rid of the big, flaming homos.

4) No small, sparking metros, either.

3) Iran = nuclear free-fire zone.

2) Improve diversity by raising recruitment quota for Spartans.

And the number 1 thing Gen. Pace would do to improve the military:
(see extended entry)


Rating: 3.1/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (10)
Dear Mexico. A letter from America
Posted by RightWingDuck at 07:13 PM | Email This

Dear Mexico,

How's it going? I hope you are fine. We are very sorry that you are upset over our recent border incursion. It turns out that there was like this really big fire and we needed to put it out and stuff.

Sure, we crossed your border illegally, but we pretty much did what your people do every day. Remember, we did it because our people needed the work and had families back home they had to feed.

Ha ha. I made a little running across the border joke. Get it?

Anyway, I'm sure you will notice a few differences:

1. None of the forest service workers stayed to have babies with the hope of seeking Mexican Citizenship.

2. We are not asking any of your Mexican employees to learn English. If that offends you, please call our complaint line. Press 2 for Spanish.

3. Did you notice we left right away? Did you notice the part about not demanding free education or health care?

Again, we're sorry if our recent incursion across the border bothered you. Next time there is a fire, we'll be sure to send the firefighters in the most appropriate vehicle possible: In the back of a refrigerated trailer.



P.S. Please note that we used our water because yours would give our shrubber the runs or something.

Rating: 2.6/5 (21 votes cast)

Comments (10)
Having a very bad day at work...
Posted by Laurence Simon at 12:37 PM | Email This

So, is ISO1: "Ungh. Wheel round. Wheel roll."

Or is it "Rub sticks. Make fire! Fire burn! Fire!"

Why do I ask?

No reason in particular.


Rating: 3.1/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (8)
We Need to Pay Attention to Our Celebrities
An Editorial by Frank J.
Posted by Frank J. at 10:27 AM | Email This

 There is a growing menace in our country, one greater than anything else we face. This group of people is a continuing threat to our way of life. They are inhuman beasts and incapable of restraint. I am speaking of course of celebrities. They have great power and great irresponsibility, using their influence to further the cause of stupidity and licentiousness while going on crazed, drug-addled rampages. They think that, because of their power, they are above the standards of normal people. They are a continuing and growing danger, and that's why we have to give celebrities the attention they warrant.

"When celebrities step outside the law or befall tragedy, it is most important that all Americans hear about it. Repeatedly."

 The first step is a Celebrity Registration Act. It will put into law that all celebrities must register with either the government or People magazine. The public must then be notified whenever a registered celebrity is coming to their town or mall's opening. Registration is only the first step, though. Next, they must be monitored. The most dangerous celebrities should be followed with cameras at all times, their every move recorded and broadcast to a concerned public. More minor celebrity threats only need be monitored periodically in a "Where Are They Now" segment on a cable channel.

To make tracking easier, celebrities should be simple code designation made from from character strings such as "J-Lo" or "K-Fed." Tracking results should be published weekly in journals made available to the public at the library or in the check-out line at supermarkets. For especially concerned citizens, they should be able to have those journals delivered to their home at substantial savings off the cover price.

When celebrities step outside the law or befall tragedy, it is most important that all Americans hear about it. Repeatedly. Such news should have precedence over anything else that is happening either domestically or foreign. Nothing should concern us more. All aspects of any surrounding trial should be scrutinized publicly, and any tidbit about it -- no matter how minor it seems -- should be shared with the American people. To help reform celebrities, certain out of the way places should be designated to allow them to detox. Only under these special conditions can monitoring of a celebrity cease.

Because of the menace and vile influence of celebrities, their coupling is of great concern to us. If any are to marry, we must know immediately and be allowed to see photos. No celebrity marriage should ever be allowed to happen in secret. Of even greater importance is whether celebrities have children, creating and even more vapid generation of celebrities to come. Thus, if video is ever found of one of them engaged in the act of reproduction, it should be made available on the internet at once. When one produces spawn, pictures of the baby must be made public as soon as possible... even if the said pictures cost millions. Also, whatever weird alien name celebrities give their children should be put in the news over and over until we know the names better than that of our own kids.

The threat of celebrities can only be diminished if we pay them constant attention. That's why everything I propose should be put into effect yesterday. Also, celebrities should have to respond to my e-mails.

Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of such books as "The Chronicles of Dubya Volume 1: The Defeat of Saddam" and "The Big Book of Famous Celebrities You've Never Heard Of".

Rating: 2.6/5 (25 votes cast)

Comments (15) | Editorials
Run, Chuck, Run!
Posted by Cadet Happy at 10:15 AM | Email This


Rating: 2.4/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (6)
Nuking The Virtual Moon Project
Posted by Laurence Simon at 09:50 AM | Email This

I've made some progress in my project to nuke the virtual moon in Second Life.

I acquired a parcel of land on SoHo Island for my weapons development program.

Since it's kind of hard to build a fully-functional nuclear-capable space missile without people noticing, I needed a way of concealing a 90-meter multistage delivery vehicle.

The obvious choice:

A 100-meter tall clock tower made entirely of matzoh and jelly sealant.

The four clockfaces represent the four major time zones of the United States. I thought about having one for the moon's time zone, but what's the point - it's going to get nuked, right?

I figure that when I get a decent fuel source for the missile, I'll target the virtual moon and let this sucker rip.

Spacemonkey's working on the formula, but all we come up with is "some of them wicked moonshine" each time that leaves us dizzy, blind, and married to our cousins when we sober up.

Until then...

Might as well throw some traffic to my evil master, FrankJ, right?

I'll post some interior shots of the clock tower with the missile concealed inside in a few days.

Gotta get the hot tub filled with matzoh ball soup delivered and installed first.


Rating: 2.7/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (2)
I Wish Chuck Hagel Would Run
Posted by Frank J. at 07:07 AM | Email This

Really fast.

Into a brick wall.

Rating: 2.4/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (7)
March 12, 2007
Fun Facts About Wisconsin
Posted by Harvey at 09:57 PM | Email This

While the IMAO podcast is still MIA, I'm going to keep posting the latest uncut Fun Facts About The 50 States - hopefully on a weekly(ish) schedule.

(continued in extended entry - with bonus material)


Rating: 2.3/5 (42 votes cast)

Comments (10) | Fun Trivia
Posted by Cadet Happy at 09:11 PM | Email This


Rating: 2.2/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (13)
Gay Ex-NBA Player Lands New Endorsement...
Posted by RightWingDuck at 04:41 PM | Email This

Sometimes, the headlines just write themselves...

John Amaechi just signed on to become the spokesman for HeadBlade.


Rating: 2.3/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (7)
The J's: Political Aspirations
Posted by Frank J. at 01:06 PM | Email This

Rating: 2.1/5 (39 votes cast)

Comments (16) | Frank the Artist
Frank Facts About Fred Thompson
Posted by Frank J. at 10:01 AM | Email This

It's sounding more and more likely that Fred Thompson will run for the Republican nomination for President. Can he win, though, when it's well known that his penchant for bureaucracy nearly kept Bruce Willis and Clint Eastwood from getting the job done against terrorists and assassins?

I think he can.

Actually, the more I find out about Fred Thompson, the more I think he needs to be President. And I mean he should be President right now, like Dick Cheney should resign, President Bush should then appoint Fred Thompson to be Vice-President, and then President Bush should resign.

Do you think I'm going overboard when I've only just started to learn about Fred Thompson, but you won't when you read this:


* Fred Thompson has on multiple occasions pronounced "nuclear" correctly.

* Fred Thompson has blasted more people in the face with a shotgun than even Dick Cheney.

He's Fred Thompson. You're nothing.
* The masked executioner of Saddam Hussein: Fred Thompson.

* Not only does Fred Thompson cut taxes, he cuts tax collectors.

* Fred Thompson is the only person to have ever bested Miyamato Mushashi in a duel. The reason Musashi is so vague about the book of the void is because the fifth ring of combat is really Fred Thompson.

* The reason Fred Thompson didn't want to stay in the Senate for long is because all the extra scrutiny kept him from doing his favorite hobby: Prowling the streets at night killing drug dealers.

* Every night before going to sleep, Osama bin Laden checks under his bed for Fred Thompson.

* Fred Thompson took over what was Al Gore's Senate seat, thereby dramatically reducing the Senate's carbon footprint. Fred Thompson then created carbon offset offsets by wastefully burning hippies.

* The Fremen consider "Fred Thompson" a killing word.

* Fred Thompson reconsidered running for reelection after 9/11 but later decided to handle things on his own. He was soon seen entering the Middle East with a bottle of tequila in one hand an a handgun in the other. They're still counting the dead.

* Though Fred Thompson left the Senate in 2003, Harry Reid still hasn't stopped wetting his pants.

* Fred Thompson's gaze can kill small animals.

* Fred Thompson once ended a filibuster by ripping out a Senator's heart and showing it to him before he died.

* The actual cause of global warming: Fred Thompson's burning rage.

* The budget to Law & Order was dramatically increased when Fred Thompson was added to the cast because he has to be digitally inserted into the scenes since anytime he's near Hollywood liberals, he kills them.

* Only two things can kill Superman: Kryptonite and Fred Thompson.

* Fred Thompson once stood on our south border and glared at Mexico. There was no illegal immigration for a month.

* Scientists predict that when Fred Thompson dies he'll explode taking out the five nearest planets before collapsing into a black hole.

* At a campaign stop, a Belgian Hound tried to hump Fred Thompson's leg. That breed of dog no longer exists.

* Fred Thompson vows not only to win in Iraq but also to forcefully free Vietnam from Communism, thus giving America a perfect win/loss record for wars again.

* If you purchase a weather radio, it will wake you up with an alarm to warn you when Fred Thompson is pissed off.

* An abortion doctor tried to kill Fred Thompson when he was still in the womb, but he cut off the man's hand with scalpel while shouting, "Do you know who I am? I'm Fred Thompson!"

* Webster's Dictionary defines "conservatism" as "how closely one's views resemble those of Fred Thompson."

* Fred Thompson's sense of strategy is so great that he can checkmate you using only a pawn and a knight.

* Fred Thompson can know both the exact position and momentum of a particle. Furthermore, he knows Schroedinger's cat is dead because he personally strangled it.

* The most efficient airline security is to have Fred Thompson stare down everyone entering a plane.

* When terrorists get to the afterlife, they'll find that none of their seventy-two women are still virgins. Why? Because of Fred Thompson.

* Fred Thompson can open clamshell packaging without the slightest trouble.

* In a butterfly ballot, no matter where you punch it the vote goes to Fred Thompson.

* Why does Iran want nuclear weapons? Out of fear of Fred Thompson.

* Some versions of the Bible have Mathew 5:5 read, "Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth... unless Fred Thompson wants it."

Rating: 2.6/5 (89 votes cast)

Comments (71) | Fred Thompson Facts
Hellbender - Chapter 2
Posted by Frank J. at 06:44 AM | Email This

After the first chapter, the second chapter is the hardest to write. There's still quite a bit of exposition to balance, so hopefully things should go quicker after this.

It's posted with the first chapter in Baen's Bar in the Slush Pile section (comments go in Slush Comments). Any critiques and help on making it better is greatly appreciated (and, if it sucks, I need to know that to so I stop wasting my time).

Rating: 2.1/5 (25 votes cast)

Comments (2) | Hellbender
March 11, 2007
Which one of Dante's Rings is this?
Posted by Cadet Happy at 10:45 PM | Email This

Nudists sweat it out at Dutch gym. You can thank me later.

NOTE: It's an AP article on Yahoo News, but it has one photo that is arguably NSFW.

P.S. From now on we'll have "Naked Friday" Apolitical Cat Blogging.

Rating: 3.0/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (5)
I Like Cheese.
Posted by spacemonkey at 09:35 PM | Email This

Am I alone here or is cheese delicious?
And you can eat all you want, as long as its not too much.

Cheese is underrated.

Rating: 2.2/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (17)
Edwards to Plug Gaping, Gas Emitting Hole with Huge Cork
Posted by Cadet Happy at 07:47 PM | Email This

SAN JUAN, Puerto Rico: Presidential candidate John Edwards, taking a page out of recent Oscar winner and Nobel Peace Prize finalist Al Gore's playbook, announced a bold new environmental initiative Saturday. "I'm announcing today," proclaimed an exuberant Edwards, "an initiative that will dramatically curtail the global warming crisis that affects each and every one of us."

"Some of the worst polluters of our age are volcanoes," stated Edwards, "which emit millions of tons of CO2 into the atmosphere each year without any regard for the impact such emissions have on the environment." "Today I call on the nations of the world to put an end to these Hephaestian terrors, by permanently plugging them with gigantic corks manufactured with Fair Trade, Third World labor."

"As an act of good faith, I have dedicated a small portion of my ambulance-chasing fortune to purchasing the Soufriere Hills volcano on the Caribbean island of Montserrat." "I call on the U.N. Security Council to allocate funding to plug my volcano, sending a message to the entire asthenosphere that we will no longer tolerate its polluting ways." "I call on you today to plug my flaming, gas emitting hole."


Rating: 2.3/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (6)
Register now . . .
Posted by Frank J. at 07:37 PM | Email This


Rating: 2.8/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (6)
March 10, 2007
As Obi Wan Would Say...
Posted by Frank J. at 12:16 PM | Email This

Who is the bigger gaywad? The gaywad or the gaywad who follows him?

Rating: 2.5/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (13)
March 09, 2007
Guns! Guns! Guns!
Posted by Frank J. at 06:55 PM | Email This

Just go to Volokh Conspiracy and start reading. This seems like it should be a big deal, but, since the majority of states are now right to carry, it just seemed like constitutional rulings in favor of individual gun rights were coming. It's as if D.C. and Chicago are stuck in the past with old primitive laws, such as having segregation still on the books. Guess we'll have to send down the national guard to protect people going into a gun store.

No, I guess they wouldn't need that since they'll be at a gun store.

Rating: 2.9/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (6)
EarthSpell Corp.
Posted by Frank J. at 12:02 PM | Email This

IMAO is proud to present its new daughter company, EarthSpell Corp., a business dedicated to selling carbon offsets and magic beans. I hope you'll take the time to read about and consider investing in this exciting new emerging market.


Q. Why devote a corporation to both carbon offsets and magic beans?
A. While those products seem to be quite dissimilar, studies have shown a large overlap in the consumers interested in such items allowing a unique synergy in the two market efforts that use similar paradigms. Did I say proactive? I should have put the word "proactive" in there somewhere.

Q. How are they similar?
A. Both carbon offsets and magic beans evoke senses of wonder and hope for the future and appeal to creative individuals who believe strongly in magic/science.

Q. How do magic beans work?
A. Magic!

Q. How do carbon offsets work?
A. Science!

Q. What benefits can I expect from the use of magic beans?
A. Due to their strong magic, the only limit to magic beans is your own imagination. Your beans could grow into a beanstalk leading to a city floating on a cloud or perhaps sprout into a fairy princess. Who knows what the magic will unleash?

Carbon offsets and magic beans for happy children!
Q. What benefits can I expect from the use of carbon offsets? A. Due to the strong science behind them, there is no limit to carbon output that can be canceled out by our offsets. Our carbon offsets can give you a carbon-neutral lifestyle with no extra effort on your part. If you buy carbon offsets, you can help save the world, and is there anything more important than that? According to our surveys, the answer is either "No" or "Jesus."

Q. How can I trust the magic in your magic beans?
A. You can trust it because we hire sorcerers from the world-renowned Merlin Council which only approves sorcerers who passed numerous magic tests. Their bean enchantments are surpassed by none.

Q. How can I trust that the carbon offsets I purchase will offset the specified amount?
A. All our scienticians have degrees in the field of carbon offsettery. Plus, you know you can trust them because they have white lab coats and thick-rimmed glasses and use big scientific terms you've never heard of like "afforestation."

Q. Can I eat magic beans?
A. Yes you can, but make sure you're ready for the responsibility of the new superpowers you could quite possibly develop.

Q. Can I eat carbon offsets?
A. Yes. You receive a certificate representing your offset, and its carbon offsetting power works even if the certificate has been chewed and digested.

Q. Can magic beans offset carbon?
A. Quite possibly since there is no limit to their potential due to the magic involved. Still, only our carbon offsets are scientifically certified for the purposes of offsetting our carbon.

Q. What do you say to charges that your carbon offsets and/or magic beans are a ploy to get money from the gullible?
A. That is simply outrageous. It is sad that some people are so politically motivated and/or lacking in imagination as to denigrate efforts to fill our world with magic and/or save the environment.

Q. I'm not quite sold on your carbon offsets, but I would like to buy some magic beans. How much are they?
A. Only $10 a bag.

Q. Is there any guarantee they're not just dried beans from a Goya bag?
A. No.

Rating: 2.8/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (21)
What is Mahmoud Abbas Praying For? #25
Posted by Laurence Simon at 11:58 AM | Email This

It's Friday, so it's time for the wire services to post the non sequitur non-news story of Mahmoud Abbas praying at a mosque.

However, this week's different... this week we're going to start a new feature called:


So, from Mahmoud Abbas' expressions, can you tell what Mahmoud Abbas is praying for?

Is it:

a) Hummus-flavored Bubble Yum.

b) Darth Vader to update his Twitter account more often. Oh, and for Paula Abdul to just shut the hell up.

c) The EU to recognize this while Unity Government thing at face value like they've done with everything else.

d) The sequel to Buckaroo Banzai.

e) Prince to play a concert in Ramallah, penis-shaped guitar neck or not.



Put your guesses in the comments.

Rating: 2.5/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (6)
Friday Catblogging
Posted by Laurence Simon at 11:53 AM | Email This

Since it's Friday, I thought I'd spread the joy of humor-free, apolitical Friday Catblogging to IMAO (aka "I-MEOW").

March Madness is right around the corner, so it makes sense to bring the blogging that makes people the maddest out of the dustbin.

Anyway, it's time for Nardo the Flippykitty:

If you're not sure how this absurd scene pertains to IMAO, since IMAO is famous for that "political humor" thing, it doesn't. If you must have some semblance of politics or humor in everything you read here, just assume that Nardo is... um...

Help me out here. Make your suggestions in the comments how this scene is, in fact, a political allegory.

The six catcams are on during the day, every weekday.

Friday Ark #126 is at The Modulator.

Carnival of the Cats is at Carnival of the Cats on Sunday at 18:00.


Rating: 2.4/5 (24 votes cast)

Comments (8) | Friday Cat-Blogging
The "So You Think This Is Easy?" Challenge
Posted by Harvey at 10:27 AM | Email This

People always ask me (and by "always", I mean "never"), "Harv, how come it takes you so darn long to get those Fun Facts About Those 50 States posts done?"

Well, it's because of the crude, labor-intensive creative technique involved. The humor mine, she no surrender her gems easily.

What I do is start with a list of state-related information & trivia, and "spice up" some of the facts. Sometimes it's easy, sometimes it's like removing your own appendix without anesthetic.

For example, here's a Wisconsin fact that I stared at for half an hour before throwing my hands up in disgust and moving on to a softer target:

"In 1882, the first hydroelectric plant in the United States was built at Fox River."

So... how would YOU spice that one up?

Rating: 2.4/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (25)
They Won So They Could Lose
Posted by Frank J. at 07:31 AM | Email This

Democrats have decided on a timetable to pull out of Iraq. How did they decide on it? Through the intense strategic analysis they're known for. First they used a Risk game board with Startego playing pieces to map out the battlefield and run through scenarios. Next, they looked up Iraq on Wikipedia. Then they did cocaine that was cut with detergent. After that, they went to the circus. When they were scared by clowns, they went to a gay bar downtown to settle their nerves. Later, they threw darts at a calendar to pick the dates for withdrawal. When no one could hit the calendar, they just used their pets' birthdays.

The face of war.
It's a dynamic plan. We could lose the war by the end of the year, but, if things go well, the plan says we instead lose in the fall of next year. Regardless, the plan says definitively that the war will be lost. It also states that they despise the troops and everything they fight for and that their going to go to Walter Reed and break all the plumbing with a hammer to show their contempt for all things military. It also includes a non-binding resolution to laugh at the fate of the Iraqis after America retreats. Thus, it's a well thought-out plan that covers all the bases.

President Bush has vowed to veto the plan and then let his dog Barney pee on it. If he were truly a leader, though, he would publicly whiz on the bill himself instead of delegating the task.

The Marines in Iraq are happy, but that's because they're confused about the scope of the plan and think it's about the Democrats leaving Iraq. They've always been scared there are Democrats amongst them and will be glad to have a firm date when they know they'll be gone. Poor Marines. But, don't worry, newly trained Lieutenant Joe foo' the Marine will soon be there to lead you to victory! He's my brother and he's at least a third as smart as me (which is really really smart). Also, he makes nachos with three kinds of cheese.

So why do Democrats want to lose so badly? Because they remember their greatest accomplishment: Losing the Vietnam War. Now they hope they can lose wars with much less casualties. One day, they hope they can urge pull out and simply the threat of American troops being hurt.

"They're shooting back! We have to pull out troops now!"

When that happens, we will no longer ever get involved in any wars and we'll have like peace or something. Terrorists or other mean people may still attack, but this will be the future so we'll just shoot them with our time ray and let Jesus deal with them.

Once again, this is all outlined in the Democrats' plan.

Rating: 2.5/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (12)
March 08, 2007
American Idol Six - Elimination to the top 12
Posted by sarahk at 08:48 PM | Email This

The elimination show starts with the dreaded group sing. "Stuck in the Middle with You". The lyrics of this song are so perfect for elimination night. Go google. Sundance. Please please. Please stop with trying to pull off the Mohawky hairstyle. And quit wearing so much makeup.

They lumped Sabrina's performance in the "contemporary R&B" category. En Vogue from 1996, y'all. If I roll my eyes any harder, they're gonna pop right out of my skull. And I just woke up, so they're bleary. Don't make me roll them when they're bleary!

Keppra, wow, that makes me sleepy.

LaKisha and Blake are the first two to go onto the urinal seats into the top 12. And we find out that next week will be great for snark, bad for sing. It's Diana Ross week.

Chris Sligh doesn't want to look stupid, so he says he hopes he's in the top 12. He is staying.

Jordin Sparks sticks around. Eh.

Phil Stacey is in the top 12. Blast it.

And Jared is the first casualty of the night. The judges applaud Jared. I applaud America for not keeping his giant shoes around. Simon tells him that he's good-looking, but he needs to work on his vocals, because that's why he's not in the top 12. Ryan asks if he's surprised, and he says very. Really? You sang Stevie. On cut to top 12 night. Silly boy. Listen to SarahK. Oh look who's losing it. Antonella is going to have a breakdown over his departure. Look, she spied a camera.

BRB, kids. Have to go add some stuff to the chicken and put the macaroni on to boil so I can poison my body later.

Now it's time for American Idol for the Challenged. I mean the American Idol Challenge. Hmm. Of Ace Young, Kevin Covais, and Chris Daughtry, which of those currently has a #1 album? I think it's Kevin Covais.

Melinda and Brandon, the backup singers, are both in the top 12.

Chris Richardson and Gina Glocksen are in the top 12! Basically that's everyone I care about. Melinda, Gina, the two Chrises, Blake. I'm good.

Now Carrie Underwood is out to sing "Wasted", track #1 on her album. I heart her. She so deserved to win the big prize that year. I'm not crazy about her big balloon blouse, but she's Carrie, so I'm not going to go on about it.

So for the girls there are two spots left for Antonella, Stephanie, Haley, and Sabrina.

Antonella and Stephanie step to center stage, and this was the prediction that had me skittish. I predicted Antonella but was unsure... Finally. Antonella is gone. RYAN: What memories will you take away from American Idol? ANTONELLA: So many. Too many. Too much to think about right now. SARAHK: Please write a 100 word essay on the merits of not being photographed almost naked. Ryan, come on.

I'm two for two tonight. Which makes me... 4 + 2 + 2 ... carry the one... eight out of ten on the season. Let's see if we can go ten for twelve. If there's justice, Sabrina will get the nod over the empty Armpit Haley.

Man, if I have to pick my poison, we are going to be living off thirty-three cent Walmart brand mac-n-cheese in a box for the next three months. Gluten is yummy and poison to my body. And I'm under doctor's orders to eat it for three whole months. Glory.

I can't tell if Sabrina's gonna barf or cry. You are freaking kidding me. Even Paula is not hiding her shock that Queen of the Armpits made it into the top 12 over Sabrina. That was 100% awful song choice, kids. Let that be a lesson to you. Randy says that Sabrina should be in the top 12, and America got that wrong. Haley is thanking all of her angels right now. If I didn't like all my stuff and my animals, I would throw something.

AWESOME! Rachel just called to tell me there's a rocket launch scheduled for 10:10! We have to hurry up and finish so we can go out on the golf course and watch.

Tonight is the 200th episode of Idol. Cool. This is the big reveal. Big charity project. Raising lots of money for poor children in America and Africa. Borat will be here. Quincy Jones. Randy to wrestle Borat nude. Bono. Gwen Stefani. Etc. Huge charity event. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it, Rosie.

Ok, back from the rocket launch.

Sundance v. Sanjaya for the last spot. I told Frank: I bet it's Sanjaya. Sure enough. Simon looks astounded. Even Paula. RYAN: Simon, what happened? SIMON: The volume was turned down?

That is so RUDE!

Ugh. Well. What did I predict? I said Sanjaya would stay. I said Phil and Jared would go. 1 for 2 there. I said Haley and Antonella would go. Sabrina went, and Haley inexplicably got a seat on a urinal. Whatever. So I'm 4 + 2 + 2 ... carry the one ... 8 for 12. 66.67% going into the top 12.

Anyone know anyone who's voting for Sanjaya and Haley? Punch those peeps for me, would ya? Thanks. Love ya.

Rating: 3.2/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (14) | SarahK's TV stuff
It's High Beams Ward Off El Chupacabra
Posted by Frank J. at 06:55 PM | Email This
Can I get a ride?.
I just saw a TV ad for a new Volvo that has a heartbeat sensor so you can tell if a psychotic murderer is hiding in your backseat before you get in your car (that's actually what the ad illustrated; it had a woman realize there was someone hiding in her car so she ran off in fear). I guess Volvo, having no where else to go with their safety record, has decided to protect consumers from urban legends. I checked their site, and the feature costs an extra $500. For that kind of money, I want something that will wake me up before Freddy Kruger can get me.

Rating: 3.3/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (13)
IMAO Exclusive: McCain Not Running For President, Fred Thompson Is!
Posted by spacemonkey at 02:03 PM | Email This

It's completely TRUE. Well, I wish it were true.

WHY OH WHY CAN"T IT BE TRUE!!!!???!?!?!? Run for President, Fred!

We need a Reagan conservative this time. Nothing else will do.

Oh well, when it finally IS true, and I hope and pray it will be, remember you heard it here first.

Update:There is an effort underway to draft Fred Thompson.

Rating: 2.3/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (11)
Captain America Is Dead!
Posted by Aquaman at 07:02 AM | Email This

Bulletproof.But I'm still here, so who cares?

We both arrived on the scene in 1941, and everyone already knew then he would eventually be gunned down like a dog while I would go on to rule the oceans (they cover two thirds of the earth). Wasn't he the dumbest superhero ever? What did he have? Shield powers? You can't talk to fish with a shiny metal shield.

"Watch out, villains! I'm going to duck behind my shield!" Well, judging by his death, I guess that strategy didn't work very well.

The comics only showed the times he successfully punched a Nazi; most of the time he was getting beat up by them and calling me for help. And I'd go help the wuss... even though he was usually nowhere near water and I'd have to take a bus to get there. Then he'd take all the credit!

Yeah, the Aquaman/Captain America crossovers never got published either. But, really, if you had me in a comic with him, who would even notice Captain A-Hole?

So good riddance to bad rubbish. All he did was get in the way when villainy needed to be dealt with. Plus, he was a traitor to his name. While he shied away from the principles of WWII generation in order to spout left-wing talking points, I've remained just like all those who reached adulthood in the 40's: Suspicious of anything new or interesting.

So, rot in hell you left-wing, pinko f[Rest of post removed by IMAO censors.]

Rating: 2.2/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (13) | Aqua-Adventures
March 07, 2007
American Idol Six - Top 8 girls
Posted by sarahk at 11:37 PM | Email This

It's girl night, so there's hope on the viewing couch. Right off the bat, they can't find Paula. Have you checked the vodka sellers, Ryan? I hear she visits them from time to time. I see that Gina is dressed all edgy; I figured she would be, because she listens to Simon. Ryan says tomorrow night they announce details of the biggest AI project to date. If it's that AI camp, I'm not interested.

By the time the cameras pan to the judges, Paula has been located. Simon says she was under the judges' desk. Randy says retrieving something for him, and immediately Ryan thinks dirty. Everyone spouts the standard line about it being a family show. That's the new line for the last two or three years. The standard. "This is a family show." "A family blog." "A family restaurant." "You can't say that here, this is a family." People are always blaming the family, the children. Poor kids. I think I'm going to start a new one, take a little responsibility. "You can't say that here, I have morals."

I have to warn you. I'm cranky.

01... Jordin Sparks. Yeah, I've decided for some reason that I don't care for her as a performer. I think it's because she's giddy non-stop. Happy, sad, she's smiling all the time. Her big reveal is that she loves football so much and used to want to play football but gave it up a long time ago for singing. And she's going to sing Pat Benatar? Huh. "Heartbreaker". I hate to say it, because she's a much much much better singer than Haley Scarnato, but this reminds me so much of the Queen of the Armpits performance from last week. She's got so much better pipes than this song shows off, and she went boring, fast, safe. What's up with that song choice? RANDY: Hot! Different show! Pitchy but so much better than the boys! PAULA: Energy! You only get better! SIMON: I'm not as enthusiastic as the dumb judges. A bit manic, a little shrieky. You've done well, you'll be back next week, but it's not your strongest performance. SARAHK: And manic Jordin can hardly contain herself with all her giddiness. Paula, can Jordin have one of your Valiums? Do it for me, sugar? The fizzy pep ball is overdoing herself. Oh, to the singing. Honestly, it was karaoke, nothing better. I'm disappointed.

02... Sabrina Sloan used to want to be Katie Couric. Blarf. She used to host the school talent program or something. Anyway, moving on. What is with her song choice? Are you kidding me with this En Vogue song from what? The '80s? I have to look it up. "Don't Let Go". Ok, 1996. Eleven years. You either need to go way back or get current. Don't go to the mid-'90s for your mediocre song choice! Is Antonella picking your songs? The dress is a pretty color (I do love brown), and she looks mostly pretty, but it looks like it's made of squishy foam material, and I can't get past that. I also get hung up on the way she squat-walks around stage. Ok, apparently I hated this performance. The singing was mediocre and nasal, too. Not impressed tonight.That song choice was awful! RANDY: Not my favorite song choice, you did your thing, you were pitchy, good and solid. PAULA: You can sing sing sing. You look beautiful. Energy is fantastic! SIMON: You're a great singer, but you lack emotion. Robotic. Bad song choice. Hotel resort performance. You're a great singer, but you need personality. You're too mechanical. SARAHK: Who the heck picks your songs? I'm mad at you tonight. Ugh. Not a happy me. RYAN: Deserve to be in the top 12? ALL JUDGES: Yes.

03... Antonella Barba plays the violin and still teaches lessons when she goes home for the summer. Is anyone else nostalgic for Baylie Brown right now? 'Member her and that nice husky voice? Yeah, me too. Anyway, Antonella is up and singing a song with all kinds of tuning issues. She's singing "Put Your Records On" by Corinne Bailey Rae. This is actually a good song choice for her, but it's a gigantic mess. It's horrific. She's hitting bad notes in every bar and grabbing her stomach to steady herself. She looks pretty. Even I'm throwing in the sympathy "she looks pretty". But it's not good. RANDY: Good song choice, but it was just ok. I think you're better than you've shown in the last couple of weeks. PAULA: Your high range is good, low range is bad, good song choice. SIMON: You've gone as far as you can go. I don't know how much more you can do. I feel for you, because you've taken a lot of stick in the media, and you've handled yourself well throughout, and no one should have to go through that. [Applause and Antonella actually thanks Simon for saying so. The first sign of respect she's ever shown him.] But I'm not going to patronize you. It wasn't your worst performance, we've heard you sound worse, I just don't think you can go any further. SARAHK: It's true. That Armageddon song was way worse. But this was not good. I think the Bad Girls 15 Seconds Train is leaving this week, and she should pack her bags.


Rating: 2.3/5 (30 votes cast)

Comments (2) | SarahK's TV stuff
Posted by sarahk at 10:48 PM | Email This

LOST is so snarkworthy. I'm not going to detail-snark it or anything. Just have a little fun while we watch. Feel free to join in. My American Idol review will be up late tonight. If you're sitting on the edge of your seats wondering, I voted at least 10 times for Gina Glocksen and twice for Melinda. I was a little unnerved, because I never got a busy signal on any of them. And they were the only two worth voting for.

Anyway, on with LOST.

I agree with Sawyer. Those unknown characters don't get an opinion. And they should be wearing red shirts. I'm a little worried about Hurley, since he is wearing a red shirt.

Wow. The last living member of the Dharma Initiative! And Frank has to go pee. He always does that.

The Others were there for a lot longer than the Dharma Initiative. Eyepatchy calls The Others "The Hostiles". But if The Others were there first, maybe that makes DI the hostiles.

Eyepatchy's cat has the same name as Sayid's old girlfriend. That's interesting. The Others always seem to know stuff about the Non-Others' pasts, so Eyepatchy sounds Othery.

Sayid agrees. And thinks Eyepatchy and his furry friend are not alone.


Rating: 2.3/5 (26 votes cast)

Comments (5) | SarahK's TV stuff
What YouTube sees in Turkey...
Posted by RightWingDuck at 07:48 PM | Email This

Michelle Malkin shows us the true meaning of satire. YouTube has been banned in Turkey.

Read her post.

Michelle, this one's for you. This is what YouTube sees when they try to watch their videos while in Turkey.


Rating: 2.7/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (12)
Close enough for Government work...
Posted by Laurence Simon at 01:54 PM | Email This

A batch of the new George Washington Dollar Coins minted in Philadelphia lack "In God We Trust" on the edge, along with "E Pluribus Unum" and the year and mint marking.

Of course, we all know what this means...


Rating: 2.5/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (13)
In My World: Curse of the Scooter
Posted by Frank J. at 11:24 AM | Email This

"The supervillian Lewis Libby, better known as 'The Scooter' has finally been brought to justice," the anchorman announced. "Though he was found not guilty on charges of trying to mutate D.C.'s population by contaminating the water supply, trying to take over the world through mind control embedded in pop songs, and holding Canada hostage with a stolen Russian nuclear bomb, he was convicted for lying during an investigation of the outing of a non-secret agent."

The TV showed The Scooter being brought to jail. "No prison can hold me!" he shouted. "You'll pay for this! You all will! I'll lie in investigations of non-crimes until all society falls apart! Muh ha ha ha!"

On screen came Patrick Fitzgerald. "I want everyone to know that there is no need for further indictments now that The Scooter is behind bars. You can finally all sleep soundly tonight, citizens." He then fired his grappling gun into the air and zipped away.

President Bush turned off the TV and shivered. "To think that such a monster had been a part of my administration!"

"I just can't believe anyone thought I had anything to do with him," Dick Cheney said.

Bush nodded. "That is crazy. You can't be evil; you love kittens."

"I do love kittens." Cheney reached into a bowl of kittens, took a handful of them, and swallowed them whole. "Mmm... fresh kittens."

"And then people were also besmirching the character of Karl Rove!" Bush exclaimed. "Sweet cuddly Rover who loves children so much!"

"Only their souls," hissed a voice in the shadows.

"Well, we have to be more careful who we associate with," Bush said. "Anyway, I have Ann Coulter coming over to help write my next speech."

Cheney dipped a kitten in ranch dressing. "I thought she was busy leading hordes of college Republicans to beat up gay people."

"Oh yeah." Bush shrugged. "That's why Coulter is worth the price; you get more than just a speech from her."

There was a knock at the door of the Oval Office. Bush answered and outside stood John Edwards. "Ann Coulter said mean things about me, so please help me raise $100,000."

Bush reached for his wallet. "Sure thing, Kenneth."

"Kenneth? Who do you think I am?"

Bush stared at him. "Aren't you that nice kid from 30 Rock?"

"I'm former Senator John Edwards!"

"What?" Bush put his wallet away. "I bet you have more than $100,000 in your wallet right now! What would you use the money for, anyway? Add another wing to the doghouse behind your mansion?"

"I'm actually more of a cat person."

Bush sighed. "Of course you are."

"Was that a slur!" Edwards shouted.

"No, but I'm thinking of some!" Bush punched Edwards in the nose and slammed the door. He then turned to Cheney and said proudly, "I punched John Edwards in the nose."

"I saw. Very decisive."

"So what's next? Do the Democrats have a new plan for failure in Iraq?"

"No, just an old plan with a new name. They're calling it a 'Reverse-Momentum Surge.'"

"Ooh!" Bush rifled through his desk drawer. "I should trick sign with invisible ink! That should be hilarious!"

"I don't know if they'll fall for that a tenth time."

Air raid sirens started blaring. "Aieee!" Bush ducked behind his desk. "The Scooter has escaped!"

The Scooter smashed through the window on his flying rocket hover scooter. "Knoxville is the capital of Tennessee!"

Bush stood up and pointed an accusing finger at The Scooter. "That's a lie! You're just lucky I'm not conducting a federal investigation!"

"Muh ha ha ha!" The Scooter laughed as he flew away.

Cheney surveyed the damage. "Well... that could be trouble. So where is the nearest microwave?"

"You're not melting cheese on a kitten!"

Rating: 2.0/5 (24 votes cast)

Comments (21) | In My World
Likelihood Of Something
Posted by spacemonkey at 11:10 AM | Email This

Ron Coleman, who left Dean's World because he had the audacity of being an anti-Islamofascist Joo, is back with a vengeance!

He has a new pop culture/general interest blog to use an outlet for his pop culture-ness and general interestosity.

He's named it Likelihood of Success which is a bounce off his blawg the Likelihood of Confusion.

Here is a sample where he gives rather compelling photographic evidence that Al Gore is Fat.

Rating: 2.7/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (2)
Looking Stupid
Posted by Frank J. at 07:26 AM | Email This
After a few years of blogging, I've hit on one essential truth: there are millions of cowards willing to say things about you online that they'd never say to you in a bar. That's the baseline definition of snark: catty words spewed on a screen but never uttered to a face. Blogging has created a chorus line of cowards -- coin-throwers who would never take the stage or put themselves in the line of fire. The World Wide Web has revealed, sadly, that as a country we're losing the will to fight real wars, preferring instead to be nonproductive wusses, incapable of delivering anything more than a snide aside to the outside world, via the "send" button.

They let Greg Gutfeld write for The American Spectator, and it's actually pretty good. I would have expected entertaining, but this is more than his blog posts on HuffPo. He also hits on an essential truth that is not mentioned enough: It takes courage to be willing to look stupid.

Of course, the counter-point to that is sometimes all it takes is stupidity.

Rating: 2.5/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (14)
March 06, 2007
American Idol Six - Top 8 guys
Posted by sarahk at 11:21 PM | Email This

Ok, sorry to not do last week's results show, busy being a housewife and actually keeping things clean around here, blah blah blah... I promise the wait will be almost worth it, because I'm going to hit some highlights right here.

So. much. to snark in that elimination episode. It's like the entertainment gods looked at me and said, "SarahK, you had a rough week. This one is for you." I did. It was rough, and I kinda took some time off from blogging and did the bare minimum and relaxed my head.

Nearly died, reevaluated things a little... Plus I got a new anticonvulsant. I didn't like how dumb the Topamax made me, plus the constant nosebleeds and complete numbness of hands when it gets cold were inconvenient. The new drug makes me go to sleep, and since last Thursday I've been napping nonstop. I need a good simile there but can't find one. I must be slipping. Anyway.

Ok, so Kellie Pickler. Wow.

KP: Yeah, Ryan, I've bought stuff with my new American Idol money. Shoes. Just shoes and sushi.
RYAN [staring right at Kellie's giant Dollys]: Just shoes? Nothing else?
SARAHK: And a big giant rack to store those shoes on.

And the hair and eye makeup. Next she was going to audition for understudy in the Best Little Whorehouse in North Carolina. Or greeter at Dollywood.

And yeah, they put real live wolf spiders in that sushi. Eat up. Fu-haaaaaaaake.

She was classic fake Kellie. Except not as tone-deaf as usual, which was a little disappointing. And I didn't like that she sang the song that she co-wrote for her runaway mom, because even I have a heart about that and can't make fun. Plus, the song has about three notes, which is even hard for that virtuoso to screw up. Especially when she was singing it at the volume of a spider's whisper.

Then there were the eliminations and the boo-hooers. Are you kidding me? Every time the camera flashed away from Sundance, he pulled the glycerin drops out of his pocket and applied the drops. It was so funny to watch him and that awful spanish moss that hangs from his chin (dude, it's called pesticide, look into it), because when the camera panned to him, he blinked really hard to make sure every drop of real live salty tears squeezed out of his eyes.

Then Gina Glocksen. When Leslie Hunt got eliminated, you could hear Gina wailing from the bench. And I know why, and I don't blame her. I know everyone keeps calling Leslie the psycho girlfriend or something because of that wide-eyed stare, but Leslie is probably the closest to normal girl there was in the competition. And when Leslie got kicked off, Gina was thinking that now she's stuck with that Armpits and Hi-Fives Haley Scarnato and Antonella who thinks she's Jennifer Hudson with a Paris Hilton twist. I might have wailed, too, knowing who's left. Leslie seemed relatively normal. Especially when she sang her last song and ended it with, "Why did I scat? America don't like jazz!" That was fantastic, and I wanted her back. I want her for my next door neighbor, actually. She's way too young to live in our neighborhood, though. But dear Gina. Get ahold of yourself. If you love her that much, exchange digits. Keep in touch. K-I-T.

Nick Pedro. No surprise there, he was so boring last week. But AJ Tabaldo? Even I was on board with his performance and took back all the fun-making from the previous week, and when he went home, and Brandon and that awful giant white tennisshoes wearing Carlton Jared with the argyle sweaters and the "Let's Get it On" to his Grandma dedication got to stay, I was so disappointed.

The girls. Leslie, not really a surprise. Not a good song choice, and she didn't have one of the stronger voices. Should have been Queen of the Armpits. Also Alaina went home. Ticktock, no shock. Oh, but she could not get through her song, because she is just going to miss her new bffs sooo much. So she gave it up. Sang about three seconds of the song and then practically threw down the microphone so she could hug everyone. Say, sweetie, you know you'll get to see them after the show, right? I mean, for about five minutes until you have to clear out your hotel room and they have to pick out their songs for next week. But show some decorum.

I think that covers it. Now onto tonight.

UPDATE: I'm watching it again. It was that good. This is the 3rd or 4th watch for me. I'd forgotten that on "Joy to the World", the group song, they had AJ sing the line, "You know I love the ladies..." I cracked up. I will not elaborate on why, because I'm really sad he left the show, I think he would have worked for it, and he left earlier than he should have. Oh, he was classy when Ryan told him he was leaving, too. AJ asked if he was shocked that he was leaving and not Sanjaya. AJ said something like, "No, I think he's great." That was cute at the end of his song when he said, "Call me." Yes, Broadway. Call him, he'll be great there. I'm not kidding. He's perfect for Broadway. And Chris Richardson still forgot to use the microphone during the group sing. He did better tonight in the top 8, though. I've decided I don't like Jordin Sparks. She's always grinning like someone just gave her a brand-new puppy, no matter what. Oh yes. Alaina, when she got the ax. When Ryan read back Simon's comment that she "ran out of steam", Alaina leveled her eyes on Simon and said, "Clever." Like he had tried to come up with the most witty quip and failed. No, sweetie, he just said what you did, and no need to be clever. I loved when she accidentally cut the mic cord, and all the sound went out. You couldn't hear a word of Paula's Wisdom for Life. I guess we'll never know. *sniff*


Rating: 2.8/5 (28 votes cast)

Comments (11) | SarahK's TV stuff
Fun Facts About West Virginia - Updated 3-7-07
Posted by Harvey at 05:01 PM | Email This

While the IMAO podcast is still MIA, I'm going to keep posting the latest uncut Fun Facts About The 50 States - hopefully on a weekly(ish) schedule.

(continued in extended entry)


Rating: 2.4/5 (25 votes cast)

Comments (3) | Fun Trivia
Scooter Libby: Good News!!
Posted by RightWingDuck at 01:13 PM | Email This


Scooter was found innocent of 1 out of the 5 charges!!!

Rating: 2.7/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (18)
I'm Tired of Hawkchicken Troops
Posted by Frank J. at 10:10 AM | Email This
It's easy to criticize civilians from thousands of miles away.
Ever see those troops who go on TV and criticize the public for not supporting their effort enough? What nerve! There they are in Iraq or Afghanistan, insulated from civilian life by thousands of miles, and they think they can criticize what we say here in the States? They're nothing but a bunch of hawkchickens. If what civilians say is so important to them, then why don't you get out of the military, become a civilian, and then they can support the troops all they want. Until they're ready to make that commitment, they have no right to criticize what we're saying.

Rating: 3.1/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (19)
Comments On Comments
Posted by spacemonkey at 10:08 AM | Email This

Due to the comment spam Typekey Authentication has been enabled on IMAO.

In the very near future, as in some time today,authentication will be required to have your comments published immediately. Un-authenticated comments will still be allowed but will be held in a moderation queue.

Be sure to get your Typekey login is you don't already have one.

Is this fascist of us and are we intending to use this to quell dissent? Maybe, but thats just icing.

Update:: as of 2350 hours est Authentication is now required for immediate publishing of comments. Told you it'd be today.
Update:: as of 2356 hours est Authentication is no longer required I didn't say it would be all day. Plus its not working exactly right.

Rating: 2.5/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (21)
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 08:53 AM | Email This

Know what annoys me most about people like Michael Moore, Ted Kennedy, and Rosie O'Donnell?


Rating: 2.7/5 (25 votes cast)

Comments (12) | Fun Trivia
March 05, 2007
Clarifying for Bill Maher
Posted by Harvey at 09:36 PM | Email This

Failed comedian turned failed human being Bill Maher has been getting a lot of grief for saying about Dick Cheney:

"I’m just saying if he did die, other people, more people would live. That’s a fact."

Only if you consider terrorists people.


Rating: 3.3/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (24)
Posted by sarahk at 09:18 PM | Email This

Only read the extended entry if you want to know who Linderman is...


Rating: 3.5/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (15) | SarahK's TV stuff
Upon Further Thought
Posted by Frank J. at 05:06 PM | Email This

Seeing all the comments and blog posts, I've now decided I don't like everyone using the word "faggot." So, I've just used my foot to erase the line in the sand, and I've drawn a new line in the sand with me on one side and the word "faggot" on the other. Thus, the word "faggot" is now banned from IMAO, and anyone who uses the word, hears someone use the word, or even thinks the word is banned from blogging or commenting here at IMAO. This is non-negotiable. That said, I will allow just one more appearance of the word:

You're all a bunch of faggots.

Rating: 2.5/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (31)
Opposing The Faggot-o-phobes
Posted by spacemonkey at 04:24 PM | Email This

People afraid to use or even [gasp] hear the F-word (No not THAT one the other one F 2.0) are obviously afraid of becoming faggots themselves. It's repulsive. Why are they not comfortable in their faggotualilty? Have they been walking around with artificial sweetener in their shoes, afraid that upon saying or hearing the word faggot (which my spell checker even balks at) they will be pushed headlong off their comfortable fencepost, over the fence and start using the sweet sugar of full blown faggotry?

I am appalled. Coulter did not ever call John Edwards a faggot, she only said she WOULD have used that word if she had talked about him.
She said

"I was going to have a few comments on the other Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards, but it turns out you have to go into rehab if you use the word 'faggot.'"

She could have been planning to say
"That John Edwards may seem like a clean, articulate, good looking faggot but I have it on good authority he's not."

She may very well have been going to say
"Despite the overwhelming mountain of evidence to the contrary, there is an infinitesimally small, yet nonzero possibility that John Edwards might, possibly, in reality, not be a faggot."

She might have been going to say
"What sort of faggot is a prissy nancy boy who tells people he's out to help the little guy while having no idea what that means as evidenced by his colossal South Carolina Mansion? Not John Edwards, nosiree, not John Edwards, see he lives in NORTH Carolina."

So you see, it's grossly unfair to say she called him a faggot when she clearly did not and may not have even been planning to call him one in the first place. But now we'll never know because of the chilling effect that the vocal, if small, anti-faggot faggot-o-phobic crowd out there is having on the forum of public debate. Chilling.

Update: I guess I'm not crossing Frank's line in the sand, or am I , since he demanded his bloggers call everyone a faggot, unless they are actually faggots. Did I cross it? I can't tell.

Update2: if you read this and don't comment you're obviously a faggot unless of course reading it made you a faggot or you were one already, then you are excused. Hah see!? I made it conditional!

Rating: 3.0/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (12)
Trying to Stay Neutral, But...
Posted by Harvey at 03:48 PM | Email This

I guess I have to say something about Frank J. rattling his sword (or whatever it is he rattles when he blogs) about how all IMAO bloggers need to get to work calling everyone faggots.

Well, as an atheist, I don't believe that faggots actually exist, so I'm not taking an position on this issue.

On the other hand, I can't help noticing that Frank J.'s whiny, petulant demand is lousy with the fetid reek of hypocrisy, and that just pisses me off.

What am I talking about?

The following is a list of faggots that Frank J. blatantly refused to call "faggot".

Joel Surnow

Abraham Lincoln

Ann Coulter

John Hawkins

President Bush

Matty O'Blackfive

Prince Charles

Al Gore


and - in just one single post:

Dean Esmay, Dave Schuler, Ron Coleman, Rosemary the Queen, Kevin D., Robert Spencer, and David Price.

Don't even get me started on the pass he gave that shirt-lifting pillow-biter Dick Cheney.

I'm calling you out of the closet, Frank. You can no longer just lisp the lisp, you have to start mincing the mince, too.


Rating: 3.1/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (3)
Posted by Frank J. at 01:54 PM | Email This
IMAO supports teh gheys.
Before this gets out of hand, I think I should clarify my previous post. "Faggot" is a mean and hateful term... when targeted at a gay person. Regardless of what you think of homosexuality, such hate directed at a person has no place here. It's only acceptable to call an allegedly straight person a faggot. And, as I argue, not only is it acceptable, it's a duty of conservatives to do constantly in public forums.

So keep that in mind and try to keep the discourse here at an intelligent level.

Rating: 2.4/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (27)
My response to Frank
Posted by Laurence Simon at 01:18 PM | Email This

Since Frank's drawing the line:

I really don't see how any thinking person can debate the use of that word in every day speech. In fact, I see no room whatsoever for disagreement on this subject. I've drawn a line in the sand, and on my side is written the word "faggot." Either you're for constantly calling people faggots or you're no longer welcome to blog or comment here on IMAO.

What about constantly calling cats faggots?

Rating: 2.0/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (6)
Editorial: Frank J. Will Not Force Me To Use The Word Faggot!
Posted by RightWingDuck at 12:10 PM | Email This

Frank J. has crossed the line this time. Normally, I agree with all of his policies: nuking the moon, nuking France, nuking nukes. But today, I have to stand up and take a stand against his latest IMAO policy.
In one of his last posts he said:

I really don't see how any thinking person can debate the use of that word in every day speech. In fact, I see no room whatsoever for disagreement on this subject. I've drawn a line in the sand, and on my side is written the word "faggot." Either you're for constantly calling people faggots or you're no longer welcome to blog or comment here on IMAO.

This word has reached the national attention thanks to Ann Coulter who made remarks where she said that she wouldn’t use the word ‘faggot’ or she would have to go to therapy. This is very shocking. It is completely unlike Ann to say something that offends people with different belief systems. I’m sure that 9/11 widows will come out with a statement condemning Ann, as soon as they stop celebrating their husbands’ deaths.

Yet, I can’t be forced to use the word faggot. Maybe Frank J. doesn’t understand how important words are to a sensitive and caring soul such as myself. One of my cousins read Frank’s post and was very offended. Personally, I don’t care what my cousin thinks since he’s a wetback and should not even be in the country to begin with, but his point is valid: some words are just plain offensive and have no place in the English language.

I prefer to use the term “queer” and I don’t care who it bothers. Queer means something like slightly odd. Slight is good.

Homesexuality is seen as a perversion by only 90% of world religions. What does that tell us? That the other 10% must be Anglicans and Scientologists. Besides that – it tells us that after having run countless episodes of Will & Grace, the world now sees homosexuality as ‘merely revolting.’

How bad ly is it seen? It is rumored that at one point during World War II, Hitler stood in one of the concentration camps. He was surrounded by bones, and flesh, and despair. As they were sweeping out the charred carcasses, two guards held hands in an intimate manner. Hitler remarked, “Now, that’s just not right.”

So can we stop calling them Faggots? We shouldn’t hate gay people for their lifestyle choices. We should pray for them and hope that the promising new research on gay sheep one day provides a cure. Sure, it will be a blander society, with fewer, less colorful fashion shows, but that is a small price to pay for progress.

Queers have a right to respect, and I refuse to constantly use the disrespectful word ‘faggot’. Faggot seems such a harsh word and can only serve to turn the faggots off and make them stop reading IMAO (if they ever read it in the first place because IMAO is not very faggot friendly).

So, Frank J. leave the queers alone and don’t force your co-bloggers to adopt the phrase “faggot.” For one thing, it’s very offensive to queers. For another, having to go blogger rehab centers can be very pricey.

RightWingDuck is an internationally known and respected blogger. His work can be found at RightWingDuck.net and at IMAO. RightWingDuck is also author of famous books such as "Yes, That Dress DOES Make You Look Fat: A Guide to Marriage By Using Brutal Honesty" and his follow up book "Ten Steps to Surviving Your Divorce." Nothing Mr. Duck says should be taken seriously as most of the time it is either the booze or the Blogger Tourettes Syndrome doing the speaking.

Rating: 2.8/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (16)
Posted by Frank J. at 10:54 AM | Email This

I don't know how many caught the second pilot episode of the 1/2Hour News Hour last night (as always, Hot Air has clips), but I found that one even blander than the first. Writing comedy is very difficult, so it's hard for me to be too critical, but it's just not very edgy. Maybe FOX News demanded comedy your grandmother would appreciate, though, so I don't know what shackles the writers are operating under. Still, if they want to attract the young demographic like me, they need to take more risks. Also, they shouldn't be afraid to go after conservatives. Certain right-wing humor blogs have proven that conservatives appreciate self-deprecating humor if delivered from another conservative.

Well, I hope it is given another chance because frankly there are lots of things liberals do that just aren't getting made fun of enough on national television. Anyway, here's is the 1/2 Hour News Hour and 24 creator Joel Surnow writing about the his new comedy on National Review Online and showing humor more in the direction of what I'm talking about.

Rating: 2.3/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (5)
A Return to Conservatives' Rhetorical Roots
Posted by Frank J. at 09:46 AM | Email This

Ann Coulter made news at CPAC with this statement:

"I was going to have a few comments on the other Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards, but it turns out you have to go into rehab if you use the word 'faggot.'"
He's a bundle of really gay twigs.
Now, many conservatives have criticized Coulter in the past because her over the top rhetoric and anorexic body makes hers quite literally a straw man for the left, and one has to ask, "Has Ann Coulter finally gone too far?" At least, that's what the faggots are asking.

Isn't it finally great to be using that word in political discourse? I, for one, congratulate Coulter for breaking that shibboleth that has remained intact for far too long. If conservatives are to gain respect in thus country, then we can't be afraid to constantly label people faggots. So, why have so many conservatives condemned Coulter's remarks? One can only assume they wish to silence her since they're afraid they'll be the next ones she'll rightly label a faggot.

With all this controversy, I have to ask what happened to the great rhetorical conservatives of old? Remember the final words of the Lincoln Douglas debates of 1858:

"I have said and I repeat it here, that if there be a man amongst us who does not think that the institution of slavery is wrong in any one of the aspects of which I have spoken, he is misplaced and ought not to be with us. Has anything ever threatened the existence of this Union save and except this very institution of slavery? That is the real issue. It is the eternal struggle between these two principles -- right and wrong -- throughout the world, and just something I wouldn't expect that faggot Douglas to understand."
"A house divided against itself cannot stand, you faggots!"
Can you imagine his closing without the word "faggot"? It would be dull and lifeless. Sure, the controversy from that line most likely cost Abraham Lincoln the Senate seat, but his fame later carried him to the White House where he used his power to kill many Southerners -- something I would think the left could get behind.

I really don't see how any thinking person can debate the use of that word in every day speech. In fact, I see no room whatsoever for disagreement on this subject. I've drawn a line in the sand, and on my side is written the word "faggot." Either you're for constantly calling people faggots or you're no longer welcome to blog or comment here on IMAO.

And that's all there is to say about this.

Rating: 2.4/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (21)
March 03, 2007
What's going on?
Posted by Cadet Happy at 05:53 PM | Email This

It's been two days and nary a snark from SarahK regarding Kellie Pickler or the Antonella Barba photo scandal.

Also, there was no apolitical Friday cat blogging, my favorite imao.us feature. What's up?

Kellie Pickler Fake Boobs/Breasts

Rating: 2.5/5 (29 votes cast)

Comments (19) | American Idol
March 02, 2007
What Do Right-Wingers Think?
Posted by Frank J. at 04:29 PM | Email This

John Hawkins polled the right-wing blogosphere on a number of issues including global warming, immigration, which Democratic Candidate we think is the strongest, and how we rate President Bush on domestic and foreign policy. I was a bit surprised which one of the questions had a unanimous response.

For the record, I was with the majority or plurality for each question.

Rating: 2.5/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (13)
Wow, this posting thing really isn't that difficult . . .
Posted by Frank J. at 04:00 PM | Email This

I don't know what Frank is always complaining about . . .

Rating: 2.0/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (7)
Oops... we missed National Black History Month!
Posted by Laurence Simon at 11:09 AM | Email This

IMAO would like to apologize to everyone, black and white, for forgetting to acknowledge and celebrate National Black History Month.

So, as a gesture of apology, we offer National Black Future Month, where we look into our crystal ball and try to figure out what the future has in store...

2008: While on the campaign trail, Barack Obama assassinated as apostate by angry Islamic militant activist. His last words are "By Allah's word, you ninny, I never renounced my faith!"

2009: Denzel Washington wins Best Actor and Best Actress Awards, thanks agent, supporting cast, the surgical team, and Tyra Banks for shopping assistance.

2010: Oliver Willis reaches 450 pounds, devours his dog by accident.

2011: For the first time, two black coaches meet face to face during NHL Stanley Cup. Nobody notices, not because race relations have finally been normalized, but because nobody watches the NHL.

2012: First black man on the moon. Wife yells "Okay, will you ask for directions NOW?" at him.

2013: Kofi Annan and Nelson Mandela file for divorce. Annan shocked to discover Mandela's been dead for 2 years.

2014: Michael Jackson opens museum featuring all his old memorabilia and noses.

2015: Reverend Al Sharpton elected pope.

2015: Pigs fly.

2016: Charles Barkley elected governor of Alabama. Anyone making Alabama jokes threatened with being bodychecked to floor or tossed through a plate-glass window. (Watch out, Harvey!)

Rating: 2.0/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (10)
You chose . . . poorly.
Posted by Frank J. at 10:03 AM | Email This

I'm sorry to tell you this Rachel, but you will not be a Jedi or the next Dalai Lama . . .

Additional info concerning the visit here.

Rating: 2.1/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (8)
Anna Nicole Smith to Appear in May 2007 Playboy Spread
Posted by Frank J. at 09:23 AM | Email This

LOS ANGELES (AP) -- Hoping to capitalize on the press feeding frenzy surrounding Anna Nicole Smith’s untimely death, publisher Hugh Hefner announced Thursday that the deceased starlet will appear in the May 2007 edition of Playboy magazine. Hefner indicated that Smith’s body will be flown to Los Angeles over the weekend, where it will be posed in a series of tasteful nude beach and horseback riding shots . “We are proud to celebrate Anna Nicole’s life, and death, in the pages of our gentleman’s magazine,” stated Hefner.

Sources close to the deceased starlet have also indicated that plans are in the works for the release of an album of posthumous duets with Tupac Shakur. It is expected that Smith’s body will make a 40 city concert tour supporting the album this summer. “With any luck, and with proper refrigeration, I hope we can put off burial until at least mid-2008,” announced Smith's attorney and common law husband Howard K. Stern.

Rating: 2.5/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (11)
Increase your energy consumption now, my back can't take all this shoveling!
Posted by Frank J. at 08:37 AM | Email This

This is the most it has snowed in the fifteen years I have lived in the Twin Cities. Therefore, it must be due to something man did. In all likelihood, it was caused by your efforts to cut energy consumption, thereby lessening the effects of global warming. I might be wrong, but can we really afford to take the risk that I am? Turn all the lights on in your home and office, remove the catalytic converter from your vehicle, call up your private jet, and go outside and start burning garbage. Our children are counting on you.




And to think, just a few days ago we were sitting outside enjoying that 80 degree Orlando heat . . .


Rating: 1.8/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (20)
March 01, 2007
Are You Experienced?
Posted by Frank J. at 08:57 PM | Email This

Found this from Blackfive:

Matt claims he got a 98, but he's a liar.

Anyway, it's a cool quiz on a huge variety of knowledge. Plus, it's got Bruce Campbell.

Also, it's only for men, so, if you're a woman, go find some quiz about knitting and baking pies or something.

Rating: 2.3/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (24)
Maybe Your Face Was Funny
Posted by Frank J. at 05:20 PM | Email This

Trolls have signed me up for all sorts of weird stuff, so today I got an e-mail from NARAL Pro-Choice America (it used to be just called "NARAL" and that acronym actually stood for something... that was until they decided the word "abortion" was bad PR). Here's the beginning of the letter (which is as far as I read):

Dear Frank,

I wrote to you recently to share my story about my contraceptive emergency.

Basically, it went like this - my boyfriend and I headed to our local Wal-Mart in Springfield, Ohio, to purchase Plan B® after our condom broke. But rather than sell us contraception that they had in the store, the pharmacist laughed in my face!

So, I called NARAL Pro-Choice America and NARAL Pro-Choice Ohio!

It's like a tiny Wal-Mart. I like the toy section.
Here's a better idea: Call Walgreens. Now, I never had a pharmacist laugh in my face, but I had to get an anti-biotic while visiting my parents in Boise (don't ask) and had an unpleasant experience. I went to Wal-Mart where my parents get their meds, but the pharmacist gave me a hard time for not having my insurance card for prescriptions and said I'd have to wait like five hours until he'd make the two minute phone call to the insurance company. So I went to Walgreens. There's one on practically every intersection in America.

But no. NARAL doesn't want to do the easy thing. They want everyone to donate money and write letters instead of just going to the Walgreens which is probably just five yards away from them. Some people have too much time on their hands. That's why I've always been for forced labor camps.

Rating: 2.3/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (24)
Doesn't Like the Big Mac; Prefers the Fish 'n Chips
Posted by Frank J. at 01:27 PM | Email This

Eventually he'll be called King "formerly known as Prince" Charles.

Prince Charles wants to ban McDonalds. Apparently, the British royalty, not being able to do anything about inbreeding, is focusing on fat consumption.

Of course, the whole things is confusing to me because I don't understand the concept of royalty in our modern democracies. We have vapid celebrities who act stupidly and say even dumber things here in America, but they aren't designated from birth for that task. What does British royalty do anyway? Are they like Wal-Mart greeters but for the Parliament? And how long does Britain plan on keeping this silly royalty thing going? In the year 3000, are they still going to have a bunch of state funded fops running around?

If I understand things correctly (and most likely I don't), the British government funds the royal family, so why not have them do something useful like clean the parks? That's what we American would do if we had royalty... that or hang them for touching our fries.

Rating: 2.8/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (22)
Why Stop a Problem from Solving Itself?
Posted by Frank J. at 12:14 PM | Email This
Currently going for $3,450 on eBaby.
I first heard about this on Red Eye: A woman was arrested for selling her baby to put a down payment on a used Dodge Intrepid. Now, someone explain to me why would we want to stop this transaction?

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that someone who would sell her own baby is probably not going to make a very good mother. Know who is responsible, though? People who have enough spare money lying around to buy an extra baby. It takes planning and saving to raise that kind of dough.

So, we have here a transaction that moves a baby from bad parents to good parents... or, at least, better parents. Why would we want to stop that and arrest everyone involved? How does that help the baby?

The fact is that anti-baby selling laws are archaic and were originally established out of racism against gypsies. It's time to join the modern world and sell our babies.

Rating: 2.2/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (16)
Can We Please Make Australia the 51st State?
Posted by Harvey at 11:06 AM | Email This

Because unlike some traitorous Americans, the Australians recognize just how cool Dick Cheney is, as can be seen by this banner displayed during his recent visit:

Cheney Banner.jpg

Besides, I already have my Fun Facts About Australia written.

[Hat tip to DylanKissane.com for the pic]

Rating: 2.0/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (12)
Al Gore a Hypocrite on the Issue of Manbearpig?
Posted by Frank J. at 09:28 AM | Email This

Al Gore has long led the fight against Manbearpig, claiming that Manbearpig is a danger to all humanity and that all of our vigilance is required. Gore has demanded action on the part of all American citizens to combat what he calls a "half-man, half-bear, half-pig menace," saying we all need to install Manbearpig detectors on our houses and patrol the streets at night with shotguns. While some have dismissed the Manbearpig threat and say that Gore is simply desperate for attention and has no friends, Gore has always claimed to be "totally cereal." Well, if he is totally cereal, then why do public documents show that Gore has been creating numerous half-man, half-bear, half-pigs in his basement lab?

Created by Gore; I'm super cereal!
All this time Al Gore has been demanding we change our way of life to be vigilant for Manbearpig, he has been creating them himself to work on his onion farm. Also, he's quite possibly been having sex with them. The hypocrisy here is astounding. Yet Gore seems nonchalant, saying that for every Manbearpig he creates, he purchases a "Manbearpig offset" by donating to causes that fight Manbearpig. In a statement in a newly issued press release, he says, "I live a Manbearpig neutral lifestyle. I'm super duper cereal."

I don't buy it. I don't see how donating money to a few causes can counteract the fact that he is creating numerous Manbearpigs which he claims to be a threat to our very existence. Of course, liberal bloggers have rushed to his defense pointing out that, as a rich person, Gore needs lots of Manbearpigs to harvest his onions. Also, they assert that, because Gore has done so much to combat Manbearpig, doesn't he deserve the right to bugger them?

I'm sorry, but this is stupid. If someone who has been claiming so long that Manbearpig will end all life on earth doesn't feel the need to change his own lifestyle is regards to the said half-man, half-bear, half-pig, I don't see why someone like me of much more modest means can be expected to make such an effort. If you don't see the hypocrisy is railing against Manbearpig while simultaneous creating them, then you aren't cereal on this issue at all.

Rating: 3.5/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (14)
Frank's Pants: Mystery Solved
Posted by Harvey at 09:09 AM | Email This

Extreme close-up of Frank's white zone:

Frank pants secret.jpg

Apparently he was rooting around in some secret document room and decided to remove this item, Sandy Berger style.

Except I'm pretty sure Sandy suggested using your SOCK to help cover stolen papers.

Rating: 2.5/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (1)
Hey Ya, Navy Style
Posted by spacemonkey at 08:56 AM | Email This

Navy guys and gals entertaining themselves and us on an aircraft carrier.

Aside from the silly, poorly acted intro, I thought it was pretty funny. And lyrically it was practically almost completely identical to the original. But then I would expect all trained on duty Navy personnel to have good pitch.

Rating: 2.2/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (8)

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