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July 31, 2007
Attention
Posted by Frank J. at 07:41 PM | Email This

Due to pressure from left-wing blogs, IMAO will no longer advertise during the O'Reilly Factor.

Rating: 2.9/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (13)
Ronin Profiles: Laura
Posted by Frank J. at 06:34 PM | Email This
Laura
Let's meet some more IMAO readers. Today, it's Laura.

* * * *

What's the story behind your name? According to my father, my mother wouldn't let him name me "Shithead". I know it's vulgar, but it's the truth.

Where do you live? Craphole (AKA Spokane), WA.

How old are you? 25. Old enough to know better, young enough not to care.

Tell us briefly about yourself. I was birthed by a jackal and raised by a troll. After 12 years of preliminary education, I decided to follow my lifelong goal...To take over the World, and eat pancakes galore!

Ever killed a chipmunk? Ever wanted to? Unfortunately, no. Although, I heard they splatter when you hit 'em with a .50 cal.

How long have you been reading IMAO? I'm a "new" subscriber. Only four short months of readership.

What's your favorite IMAO post? lolterizt, and any of the "In My World" posts.

What's you favorite political issue? Illegal Immigration, gun rights, local/national/international terrorism. Oh, and Fred Thompson.

Do you have a website? If so, please tell us briefly about it. Yes I do. It's my vile little hole of spite and cookies on the intraweb. http://conservativedreaddie.blogspot.com

If you could shoot a powerful beam out your eyes, do you think you could find the spare time to fight evil? Only if evil is defined as Cindy Sheehan, Michael Moore, John Edwards, Barack Obama, and anyone with the last name of "Clinton".

* * * *

If you commented that you want to be included before, you're still in the running. You can also comment in this post; just make sure you fill in your e-mail on the comment form (only I can see it so you don't have to worry about getting spam). Eventually we'll get to everyone. Thanks to everyone who has participated so far!

Rating: 3.0/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (18) | Ronin Profiles
He Said THAT?
Posted by Harvey at 04:59 PM | Email This

The Top 10 Gordon Brown quotes from the Bush-Brown summit:



"When you said 'tee time', I was thinking Earl Gray"

10) "Um... no, I can't help you get Harry Potter's autograph."

9) "Let me check... yes, yes I *do* have some Grey Poupon."

8) "Do you have any that ISN'T made by Lipton?"

7) "YOU think they smell bad? Try living across the Channel from them sometime!"

6) "Don't tell anyone, but the Queen actually died years ago. We replaced her with a Queen-shaped robot manned by Kenny Baker."

5) "Got any blasphemers against Allah you want knighted?"

4) "Please stop introducing me to people and saying 'what can Brown do for you?'"

3) "You can play Yakkity Sax if you want, but I'm not going to get up and chase you around the room."

2) "Tell me more about this 'reverse cowgirl'."

And the #1 top Gordon Brown quote from the Bush-Brown summit (see extended entry):

Read More...


Rating: 2.6/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (10)
One Who Flips Can Always Flop
Posted by Frank J. at 03:32 PM | Email This

Public opinion could change on Iraq if people see things improving there, but smart Democrats are prepared for that. For instance, here's a poster Hillary Clinton is currently distributing to show her stance on the war:

Against War

But if the war is looking to be a success before the 2008 elections, she already has a new poster prepared:

Read More...


Rating: 3.4/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (21)
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
Posted by Harvey at 02:59 PM | Email This

john edwards fabulous.jpgThose plants with the white, fuzzy nubs on the stems used to be called "Edwardswillows".

Rating: 3.2/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (10) | John Edwards Fabulous Facts
CAIR Hates Muslims
Posted by Frank J. at 02:03 PM | Email This

Do you think that maybe CAIR is a false-flag operation, an organization set up by anti-Islam extremists for the sole purpose of convincing the American people that Muslims are either murderous thugs or whiny perpetual victims who hate free speech because it "hurt there feewings"? That's about the only sense I can make of it.

Rating: 1.6/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (9)
Frank Thoughts About Iraq
Posted by Frank J. at 01:04 PM | Email This

People are always saying to me, "Frank, we want to hear more of your thoughts about Iraq. It is an important issue, and we need your wisdom." Well, here are some things I have been thinking:

* Anyone ever think of doing a "Taco for suicide belt" exchange? If someone has a choice between blowing themselves up and a free taco... well that's not really a choice, is it?

* There's a number of socio-economic reason that can lead people to become insurgents, but whatever their reason, they all die just the same when shot by Marines.

* If things really start improving, the DNC might start funneling money to Al Qaeda in Iraq. This is allowed by McCain-Feingold since the group is acting in the Democrats' political interest.

* Do Muslims have anything against puppies? I really think you can always calm down a situation by adding more puppies. Just make sure Michael Vick doesn't get involved.

* People who want to blow up lots of innocent people probably aren't right in the head. Maybe Iraq needs more mental health facilities. Or maybe they need to remove those faulty heads.

* Apparently Iran is supplying weapons to some of the insurgents. This could be a real benefit to us. All American troops need to do is pretend to be Shiites and they can get free weapons. This will allow us to keep the war going if Democrats cut off funding.

* If an increase in American troops really can bring peace, maybe they should try it in Chicago.

* All we really want from countries in the Middle East is hope that they can have a better future through freedom. We'll certainly settle for fear of our god-like wrath, though.

* Maybe one day all of the Middle East can join together in something like the European Union. Then they'd all combine they're power to be one huge, toothless entity. Wouldn't that be awesome?

* I still don't understand what continent Iraq or the Middle East is technically in. It's kinda confusing since they're all right there in... ya know... the middle.

* I keep hearing from U.S. military people who were over there about how they help build schools. I wonder if the teachers let the children know how the school came to be? "Little Omar, you know those people who came to this country and blew up so much stuff and killed so many people? They built this school. And, if you don't pay attention to your teacher, they're coming back!"

* If Iraqis are happy, American are happy too. Except for the Democrats. Happy Iraqis makes them sad. Poor Democrats.

* Maybe to help the situation in Iraq, Bush should have talks with leaders of Iran and Syria. When they're all seated at a table together talking, then Bush can pull out a gun and shoot them in the face. I can't believe they fell for that!

* If Iraq becomes prosperous, it will prove that people other than just the Jews can be successful in the Middle East. This will give hope for everyone.

* I hear that more Muslims are turning against suicide bombing. Originally, they thought it would only be used against Jews and Americans, but now they've found out from Iraq that it could be used against them. Sure, suicide bombing can be fun, but getting homicided by it sucks.

* I hope in the end the insurgents take this lesson from Iraq: You don't make many friends blowing people up... unless you're Americans.

* When things are settled and the American troops leave Iraq, I hope the last thing the Iraqis say to them is, "Thanks for killing so many bad people." That's all our military ever wanted to hear.

Rating: 3.0/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (16)
IMAO Condensed: The United States of America
Posted by Frank J. at 12:33 PM | Email This
USA

Rating: 2.6/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (10) | IMAO Condensed
Is the Tide Turning?
Posted by Frank J. at 11:32 AM | Email This

The liberal blogosphere reaction to the editorial in the NYT that said the surge is working and we can win in Iraq has been to try and tar the left-leaning authors rather than try and refute any of its points which gives you an idea of how devastating this is to them. Americans can forgive someone for being for victory and failing, but they aren't going to treat someone who was for failure in the face of victory very kindly. Right now, things are looking good for the Democrats in 2008, but a victory in Iraq would be devastating for them after all their attempts to cut funding and call for immediate withdrawal. It would make the next election look like a choice between Thomas Jefferson and a caveman who was against the adoption of fire.

JEFFERSON: I will help our country flourish and spread democracy to new lands.

CAVEMEN: Fire is angry god. Thag no like.

Well, let's keep praying that we can find peace in Iraq and there aren't more bombing in which our troops or civilians get hurt. And the Democrats can burn incense to their pagan gods that their will be more blood and death as that will prove their political point (hey, it's the position they unintentionally put themselves in, the stupid bastards).

Rating: 2.0/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (12)
Fear Not the Snowman
Posted by Frank J. at 10:31 AM | Email This

There's talk that some Republicans will skip the YouTube debate on CNN because it's undignified. They could get asked questions by puppets or Chris Matthews which is really stupid for a presidential debate. Also, there's some fears that CNN will use it as an excuse to ask questions they know they'd normally get in trouble for asking ("We didn't ask that; it was the person on screen so don't get angry at us."). Still, I think the Republicans should go. One thing Republicans are supposed to be used to is a hostile media, so they should go this debate and be ready for shenanigans. If CNN puts up a really stupid question, then publicly call them out on it; Republican love seeing journalists get their comeuppance. If the question is really horrible, pop someone right in the mouth (doesn't matter who as long as he's a reporter). And if it's just unbelievably awful, then pull down Anderson Cooper's pants and take a picture of his penis (he hates that).

Rating: 2.2/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (24)
Mitt Romney "Peace in Our Nation" Ad
Posted by Frank J. at 09:08 AM | Email This

New ad inspired from Mitt Romney's "Ocean" ad. An IMAO exclusive!

Rating: 2.9/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (2) | Mitt Romney Ads
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

During a brisk swim in the Atlantic, Fred Thompson once collided with an iceberg. No penguins survived.

Rating: 2.2/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (7) | Fred Thompson Facts
July 30, 2007
Ronin Profiles: ussjimmycarter
Posted by Frank J. at 06:32 PM | Email This
ussjimmycarter
Let's meet some more IMAO readers. Today, it's ussjimmycarter.

* * * *

What's the story behind your name? I like the irony of an attack US nuclear submarine named after a dufus like Jimmy Carter who I loathe.

Where do you live? Mound, MN which is a suburb of Minneapolis in occupied territory of
the People's Republic of Minnesota.

How old are you? 54

Tell us briefly about yourself. I didn't do very well in college (Party Time) so I became an IT
guy. I am a Program Manager by trade. I married my high school girlfriend and I ride motorcycles.

Do you know thine enemy? Hippies, Hillary Clinton, Harry Reid and Al Franken who will probably get elected as our next Senator here in Minnesota (sigh).

How long have you been reading IMAO? 3 years, it's my favorite blog since I discovered it!

What's your favorite IMAO post? In My World! They are the best!

What's you favorite political issue? Right now it's Republican stupid! When I watch the Democrats and what they have to offer it's truly amazing that the Republicans ever lose to these guys on any issue in any election in any state period!

Do you have a website? No!

Why are there wars? We've spent a lot of money on our military and how much fun would it be if they never got to kick someone's ass?

* * * *

If you commented that you want to be included before, you're still in the running. You can also comment in this post; just make sure you fill in your e-mail on the comment form (only I can see it so you don't have to worry about getting spam). Eventually we'll get to everyone. Thanks to everyone who has participated so far!

Rating: 3.1/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (17) | Ronin Profiles
I Heard Robert Byrd Won "Best Costume" For His "Grand Wizard" Outfit
Posted by Harvey at 05:36 PM | Email This

House Speaker and 67-year-old grandmother Nancy Pelosi has been voted the #4 Most Beautiful Person on Capitol Hill.

Seriously.

Personally, I don't understand the result, but since I hate mysteries, I'll just take my best guesses about how this might have happened:



Enik says: Nancy's hot!

* Her roughly tanned skin locked up the leather fetishist vote.

* Power is a strong aphrodisiac, and so - apparently - is undermining the war effort.

* Ballot box stuffed by people who are irresistably attracted to pointy, plastic noses.

* Let's just say she took some "cinematic tips" from Paris Hilton, and let you Google it from there.

* Voting done entirely by blind people. Turns out Nancy is actually stunningly attractive in braille.

* Poll reflects opinions of Arab men who voted according to how much better she'd look in a burka.

* Should've been Al Gore. Stupid butterfly ballots!

* You have to admit that it's darned impressive that a 67-year-old woman had the stamina to sleep her way that far up the list.

* In her own way, Nancy IS "beautiful". Just like she "supports" the troops.

* Uncaught typo led to ballots reading "hideously disfigured Sleestak-looking freak" instead of "beautiful".

* It was a reward for NOT participating in the swimsuit competition.

* GILF is the new MILF



Regardless of how Nancy made it, I think we can all agree that the REAL travesty here is that Hillary got passed over for Miss Congeniality.

Rating: 3.3/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (22)
Perhaps a More Appropriate Name for Them Would Be an Angry Exclamation of "That's Not Funny!"
Posted by Frank J. at 04:09 PM | Email This
Know who wanted to nuke the moon? Hitler!
Usually IMAO flies under the radar of left-wing blogs. They want stuff to be angry about, but who could be angry at fun-loving IMAO? We only want to nuke the moon -- there aren't even people there to hurt. Still, we've had our run ins with some of them such as when some guy named digby criticized us for our "hostile" humor and Amanda Marcotte and her commenters once spent about 500 pages in a horribly pedantic analysis of whether a post of mine was technically "satire."

Now, Sadly, No! -- a left-wing humor site -- has latched on to our Fred Thompson Facts. By itself, it's not that notable. It seems to be a lashing out at how the left-wing blogs' favorite candidate Edwards is perceived as being "swishy," and now they must be further frustrated on that count since Edwards took time out of the last debate to criticize Hillary Clinton's outfit. The humor seems borne more out of being angry than being clever, but their audience seems to like it so I can't really criticize.

Anyway, what was interesting to me was the monologue preceding the humor where this bit caught my eye:

Not that we don’t have a begrudging sort of respect for the I.M.A.O.s of the world. After all, it’s sort of mulishly courageous to tackle humor as they do, from the opposite end of what is actually funny. Very few humorists can find comedy in the violent victimization of the marginalized by the overclass, largely because there isn’t any. But points to I.M.A.O. for trying. And even if their output isn’t — how shall we put it? — ‘funny in the slightest,’ at the very least it makes for a nice sort of homage to the Golden Age of Beer Hall comedy. . .a kind of living monument to the jackbooted stylings of those brownshirted stand-ups who, once upon a time, quite literally ‘killed’ at venues across Europe.

Now, if this was meant in jest, it's exceptionally clever. Basically they're poking fun at their own side and how many have an overwrought hatred of any one with a different political viewpoint. It's much more self-aware than you'd find anywhere on DailyKos. If it's meant even partly serious, though, then it's rather sad.

And that's the problem with a humor site with politics like that of the popular left-wing blogs. If you handed me something written by Glenn Greenwald and said, "Here's this hilarious parody of a left-winger I wrote!" I'd think it was some genius satire and admire the work you put in it ("Wow. You kept it up for like five pages."). When I first read Amanda Marcotte, I thought she was joking as she preached a kind of feminism I had long thought was made up by the older conservatives to scare us. So, when a left-wing site is sometimes trying to be funny, how can you tell when it's saying something in jest or when it's saying something ridiculous with a hilarious though somewhat sad earnestness? When many on that side honestly believe the government is behind 9/11 and that President Bush is going to establish a dictatorship before leaving office, how can you tell when they're joking about something?

If I were to guess, I'd say who wrote that at Sadly, No! meant it seriously. That's because it's extremely rare to see left-wingers use self-deprecating humor about their own politics. I could write a whole paper on the reasons why for that, but just think about: How often do right-wingers make jokes using the left-wing's stereotypes of them? We here at IMAO do it about every other post; it's fun to pretend to be a mindless warmonger who hates the poor. Now how often have you seen a left-winger make a jokes using the right-wings stereotypes of them. I can't think of very many instances; they really hate those perceptions of them and don't find anything about them funny.

So, if I'm wrong and that statement from Sadly, No! was completely in jest, it was all the more exceptional.

What do you think? Do you think they were joking, or do they really think our humor makes us like Nazis? If so, then which posts are the Nazi ones? Maybe it was the one where I drew Kos with exaggerated Jewish features.

UPDATE:

I got a response in the comments from what seems like a dour, humorless person. I'd thought I'd put it here with my response:

1: Power. The powerless use humor to try to deflate those with power over them.

That's one use of humor, but it's far from the only use. Most people who play the game of "[insert group here] can't be funny" start by making up their own esoteric definition of what constitutes humor, trying to make complex a simple human impulse.

When the powerful make fun of those beneath them, that's not funny, it's cruel. It comes off like cheerleaders mocking the poor kids for wearing hand-me-downs. Brandi and Candi might laugh, but it's not "humorous."

Ridiculing is actually the basis of all humor (or so I argue). Still, calling all the humor of one side "bullying" shows a very narrow mind which probably isn't open to actual discussion in the first place. It also shows absolutely no understanding of humor (which isn't to say the person is incapable of humor; just incapable of understanding it outside partisan blinders).

It's hard to make stuff funny when one side is dedicated to bringing Americans together to make things better for all of us and the opposing side is devoted to accentuating the divisions between different groups to increase their power.

Of course, this is just one person's retarded viewpoint of the world which is shared only by a small fringe. Who gets to say what it funny and what isn't is the audience to the humor. You can't just say that it's only humor if people with my own narrow political viewpoint thinks its funny; everyone can play that game and its completely pointless.

2: Fringe reality. The fraction of Kosites who believe that Bush was ACTUALLY behind 9/11 is roughly the same as the fraction of $Con_site who believe that Hillary is ACTUALLY a lesbian Mossad agent who had Vince Foster murdered b/c he wouldn't keep quiet about Bill importing planeloads of cocaine into Arkansas. It's a big country full of weirdos of all types and the internet just makes them a lot louder.

Of course, this is more a political than a humor argument. Those viewpoints make the recommended diaries (though 9/11 conspiracies are now verboten from Kos). Polls -- as useful as they are -- show those viewpoints are significant among Democrats and thus even more significant among the fringe that is Kos. I don't think most fervently believe the conspiracies, and it's mainly just how silly their partisanship has gotten that they even consider them.

Anyway, the person who wrote this comment obviously has a silly little viewpoint and takes himself way too seriously. From his own definition, that makes him the pompous one to deflate using humor. If this is the writer of the Sadly, No! post, then they really should change their name to the exclamation of "That's not funny!"

UPDATE 2:

Phelps has an example of how the violent victimization of the marginalized by the overclass can be hilarious.

I laughed.

Rating: 2.6/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (36) | Why Me Laugh?
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
Posted by Harvey at 02:58 PM | Email This

john edwards fabulous.jpgJohn Edwards was rejected for the lead role in The Wizard of Oz for "not being butch enough to play a convincing Dorothy".

Rating: 2.8/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (7) | John Edwards Fabulous Facts
It's a Trap!
Posted by Frank J. at 01:08 PM | Email This

The surge is working and we can create stability in Iraq -- so says an editorial in the New York Times!

Here is the most important thing Americans need to understand: We are finally getting somewhere in Iraq, at least in military terms. As two analysts who have harshly criticized the Bush administration’s miserable handling of Iraq, we were surprised by the gains we saw and the potential to produce not necessarily “victory” but a sustainable stability that both we and the Iraqis could live with.

It's from the Brookings Institution which I don't know anything about -- but they sound smart. As the drinker of puppy would say, "Read the whole thing."

As I've long said, we have the greatest military that ever existed and it's perfectly capable of winning conflicts if people back home don't whine so much. Even though we're not getting shot at or asked to make any sacrifice at all, people here in America just can't help but whine. I guess we have whining, bitching, moaning culture. Even so, the military is still very good at shooting bad people. God bless them.

Rating: 2.3/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (13)
Silly Kos Kids, Politics Is for Adults
Posted by Frank J. at 12:13 PM | Email This

O'Reilly's has been hammering DailyKos for being a hate site, something obvious to anyone who has scanned the front page. This light shined on the cockroaches caused JetBlue to pull sponsorship on YearlyKos, DailyKos's once a year event where the writers of DailyKos emerge from their parents' basements and sit in circles and defecate on each other while Democrats pretend to listen to their insane blather.

Kos emerges from his hole for a rare public appearance. (Picture burgled from Hot Air)
Now, you have to understand, liberals are used to being coddled by the media, and the vitamin D deficient denizens of DailyKos have particularly thin skin. As right-wingers, we're used to being accused of every ill of mankind, but if one person suggests to a Kwazy Kos Kid that he's not quite in the mainstream, he gets apoplectic. They think that the news media is right-leaning, and you have to be quite insane to reach that viewpoint. We're talking "Psychologist Running Out of the Room Screaming, 'Don't Let Him Touch Me and Get His Crazy on Me!'" insane. So having a particular show on a news network turn against them is intolerable beyond their understanding. With the defection of JetBlue, they're less inclined to take a hard look at themselves and more open to the idea of freaking out like a bunch of rats that just had their cage shaken.

So the Kwazy Kos Kids and the rest of the Candy Land-based community are now shaking their tiny fists in impotent rage against FOX News's advertisers. Now having much combined spending power (it's the Bush economy's fault that their parents cut their allowances), they're hoping they can annoy the advertisers to death by calling them over and over (and since one of FOX News's biggest advertisers is HeadOn, I don't think they'll even consider being told the same thing over and over annoying).

Their efforts most likely won't amount to anything, but I think it would be a great idea if FOX News struck back by profiling a Kwazy Kos Kid each day thus putting the site under further spotlight for the sake of humiliation. Start with those who post on the front page and move on to the most prolific commenters and diarists. They should all be quite interesting since I sincerely doubt that any regular participant on the DailyKos is mentally stable, because why would any sane person regularly read and comment on such drivel?

"BooshH4ter4000 is against war though he thinks that violence against Republicans is sometimes justified. He believes that terrorism is simply media hype and that President Bush is going to turn America into dictatorship and refuse to leave office in 2009. He also takes pride in how much smarter he and the rest of DailyKos are than the American public. Such a proclamation was met with great agreement in the comments, a few of which were grammatically correct.

"Posting on the front page of the Daily Kos, this is one of the more prominent DailyKos members that Hillary and Obama will try to seek the approval of at YearlyKos."

Really, this would be a great service FOX News could do for America. People like everyone at DailyKos should be ridiculed away from any active participation in our government. We don't tolerate overt racists participating in the two major parties, and thus we shouldn't tolerate the Kwazy Kos Kids who are even nuttier haters. They certainly are free to have their silly little site, but participation in it should be a conscious decision to be pariahs. That's just common sense. I'm not sure how big a difference the Kwazy Kos Kids' involvement in politics makes if any and whether the Democrats patronizing them and pretending they don't think they're weird or insane has any effect on major policy, but we should at least follow principle and make sure no one outside of their weird circle even acts like they take those goobers seriously. Like all mentally unstable people, they need to be isolated for their own good... and perhaps have a large amount of voltage shot through their brains. It's the compassionate thing to do.

Rating: 2.5/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (15)
Frank J. Around the Web
Posted by Frank J. at 10:57 AM | Email This

I'm guest posting at Right Wing News today, and I just put up a post analyzing a lame attempt at humor from the DNC and suggesting how they can improve it. Check it out.

Rating: 2.8/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (4)
Question
Posted by Frank J. at 10:08 AM | Email This

If a Democrat is elected president in 2008 and he or she decides to outlaw bacon as a gesture of goodwill to the terrorists who want to kill us, do you think the American public will take it lying down saying, "I guess I can give up bacon if it will prevent war," or do you think there will be riots in the street? I only ask because, if this happens, I don't want to be the only one rioting because then I'll look crazy.

I'm very self-conscious. Especially when rioting.

Rating: 3.1/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (36)
Mitt Romney "Treasure Beyond the Horizon" Ad
Posted by Frank J. at 09:01 AM | Email This

A new ad from Mitt Romney in the same vein as his "Ocean" Ad:

Rating: 3.4/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (4) | Mitt Romney Ads
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

To help Fred Thompson get to sleep, he has a white noise machine at his bedside. The settings on it are the ocean, a babbling brook, and the dying screams of his enemies.

Rating: 2.3/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (4) | Fred Thompson Facts
July 29, 2007
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
Posted by Harvey at 03:07 PM | Email This

john edwards fabulous.jpgJohn Edwards once tried to take candy from a baby. He spent the next month wearing oversized sunglasses and telling people he "walked into a door".

Rating: 1.9/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (13) | John Edwards Fabulous Facts
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

Newton's Three Laws of Physics:
1. Object's in motion tend to stay in motion.
2. For every action there is an equal but opposite reaction.
3. Don't mess with Fred Thompson.

Rating: 2.3/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (14) | Fred Thompson Facts
July 28, 2007
Site Speed Stuff
Posted by spacemonkey at 10:59 PM | Email This

I have been doing some optimization and tweaking under the hood and hopefully IMAO.US is now full throttle at your face every day every night,every evening, afternoon, morning, etcetera.

If you have noticed a super incredibly awesome loading speed increase, (time decrease) drop me comment and let me know.

If it is running slower for you, let me know that too.

If it is not loading at all for you, you have no choice but to ignore the message, and therefore CAN ignore this message in good conscience, unless you are subscribed to the RSS feed then you should let me know that too.

If you are viewing this spectacular website for the first time because it used to take sooooo long on your pathetic dial-up connection let me know that too. Welcome Aboard! (don't feed the trolls!)

Rating: 2.9/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (44)
I Still Like Tony Snow
Posted by Frank J. at 10:45 PM | Email This

An exchange from a recent press conference which Greg Pollowitz found:

REPORTER: The Nixon tapes case, though, presents certain limitations on the President's assertion of executive privilege, doesn't it?

TONY SNOW: How on earth are you trying to apply the Nixon's tapes case here? That seems an awful stretch.

REPORTER I read it in the paper. It sounded logical when I read it.

TONY SNOW: Well, it's — nice try.

REPORTER: Thank you.

The very first In My World was me imagining what it would be like if the White House Press Secretary finally opened up on the press. I still wish it would happen.

(hat tip Hot Air)

Rating: 3.6/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (8)
IMAO Facebook Page
Posted by Frank J. at 04:49 PM | Email This

I'm still not sure exactly what you're supposed to do on Facebook and other such sites, but I made an IMAO Facebook group for IMAO readers to join so then we will be recognize each other on the street and be able to say, "Hey. You're that guy who said, 'LOL!' on that one post. I know you."

Does anything useful ever come out of these sites?

Rating: 3.0/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (14)
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
Posted by Harvey at 03:02 PM | Email This

john edwards fabulous.jpgJohn Edwards does not fear the mafia, because he knows that if they ever put a hit out on him, he can just cry his way out of it.

Rating: 2.7/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (4) | John Edwards Fabulous Facts
Saturday Question
Posted by Frank J. at 12:17 PM | Email This

Do you think secession could be a solution to some of America's problems? If so, which states should we force to secede because we're sick and tired of them?

I'd say we secede parts of California, but we could probably keep most of it land-wise.

Rating: 2.4/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (42)
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

Dogs do their best to act calm when around Fred Thompson since they know he can smell fear.

Rating: 3.0/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (5) | Fred Thompson Facts
July 27, 2007
Ronin Profiles: Jonag
Posted by Frank J. at 06:21 PM | Email This
Jonag
Let's meet some more IMAO readers. Today, it's Jonag.

* * * *

What's the story behind your name? Total inspiration. My first name is Jona (pronounced "John-uh") and my last name starts with G. [Still more clever than "Frank J." -Ed.]

Where do you live? I live in Gilbert, Arizona (about 20 minutes from Phoenix). We've been her 12 years and really hated it the first 5 years but now realise it's a great place to raise kids so we're staying put. One day I will meet Bob in Feenicks and DesertElephant for a beer in Tempe (whilst wearing our Nuke the Moon shirts) and much hippie bashing will ensue.

How old are you? 42

Tell us briefly about yourself. I was born and raised in Portland, Oregon. I have been happily married to Joey for 20 years and we have been blessed with 5 brilliant Rabid Reagan Republicans in the making. I have been homeschooling for over 11 years (including 3 hours of Rush Limbaugh 5 times a week, except when he talks naughty and we have to turn the radio off. I don't want to hear "Mommy, what's a Gorbasm?" just yet.)
I engage in a little bit of capitalism from my home which supports my sewing addiction and coffee habit.

How much do you hate hippies? A hippie once told my mom to go eff herself. Unfortunately for him he did it in front of my dad and sisters. They seriously effed him up. I wish I had been there.
Portland was once a beautiful town but the hippies have ruined it's beauty and reputation (and odor). Another reason we're not moving back.

How long have you been reading IMAO? I have been a FrankJ fan since the letter to Michael Moore of April 2003 (although it seems like forever really)

What's your favorite IMAO post? My most favoritest post ever is this one: http://www.imao.us/archives/000882.html The IMW: The Duke vs Stalin. Everybody should go read it. (oh, and #20 on this one: http://www.imao.us/archives/001438.html)

What's you favorite political issue? It's a toss-up between the war on terror and border security. I'm concerned that the flood of illegals will undo all my well laid (no pun intended) plans to destroy the democrat party by outbreeding them. I've already produced enough voters to undo all of my liberal sister's family's votes and still have 3 conservative votes left! Everyone should be doing their part.

Do you have a website? Not yet. When I get one it will be a pretty periwinkle color.

Do you ever wish you could control fire with your mind? Only when I'm flying over San Francisco.

* * * *

If you commented that you want to be included before, you're still in the running. You can also comment in this post; just make sure you fill in your e-mail on the comment form (only I can see it so you don't have to worry about getting spam). Eventually we'll get to everyone. Thanks to everyone who has participated so far!

Rating: 3.1/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (25) | Ronin Profiles
Democrat Calls Republicans``Jihadists``, Muslims Offended
Posted by Harvey at 05:02 PM | Email This

WASHINGTON (AP) - During remarks about how Republicans may cause a government shutdown by sustaining President Bush's vetoes of Democrat-sponsored spending bills, John W. Olver, (D-Mass.), chairman of the House Transportation-HUD Appropriations Subcommittee, referred to Republicans as "Jihadists". Muslim groups responded with outrage at the comparison.

Muslims thrilled at having something new to bitch about.

"Jihadists are noble warriors in a just cause, "said CAIR spokesman Ibrahim Hooper, "while Republicans are nothing but money-grubbing, Jew-loving kafirs! Well, maybe not Jew-loving, since no on ACTUALLY loves the Jews, but they're unquestionably Jew-likers, and that's bad enough."

"When Allah's faithful seek to fund a war," Hooper continued, "they don't snivel over 'spending bills'. They just hit up their oil-rich neighbors for some greenbacks. If the Republicans were true Jihadists, they'd be getting money from Saudi Arabia or Halliburton."

Republicans were also quick to take umbrage at the name-calling.

"I can't believe," said Republican House Minority Leader John Boehner, "that jackass Olver had the gall to compare us to murderous thugs who kill people with explosive vests. We're Republicans, for crying out loud! We'd use guns."

Responding to the controversy, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi issued a rare public apology of behalf of the Democratic Party.

"I regret that Congressman Olver's remarks may have been misinterpreted. The Democratic Party has nothing but admiration and respect for ALL races, creeds, and explosive preferences. We mean no insult to the loving and peaceful religion of Islam or its courageous and holy soldiers."

"After all," she continued, "we're both on the same side in this war. We're both committed to the goal of removing American troops from Iraq as soon as possible. No sense in bickering over a little thing like whether 'dead' or 'alive' would be preferable."

"Now that I've offered this humble apology on behalf of the Democratic Party," concluded Pelosi, "I hope the brave and honorable Muslim warriors of the world will seriously consider killing us last."

Rating: 1.9/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (8) | Newsish Fakery
But Secure Borders Might Mean I Have to Do Yard Work!
Posted by Frank J. at 03:46 PM | Email This

Wow. The Wall Street Journal actually printed this in an editorial for open borders:

The well-manicured lawns in my home town would soon become weed gardens in the absence of the Mexicans who man landscape services.

"You expect me to cut my own grass?! Our national sovereignty isn't that important!"

I expect that sort of thing from limousine liberals, but from a paper that's supposed to be a bastion of conservative thought? If you really can't find any legal Americans to cut your lawn, try growing a pair and buy a John Deere.

Rating: 2.8/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (17)
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
Posted by Harvey at 03:08 PM | Email This

John Edwards envies the way Rosie O'Donnell simply oozes machismo.

Bonus fact via American Digest and Esquire magazine, John Edwards is:
edwards sexy woman.jpg

Rating: 2.4/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (7) | John Edwards Fabulous Facts
Humor: Conservatives vs. Liberals
Posted by Frank J. at 02:08 PM | Email This

IMAO got a shout out from Jonah Goldberg in a discussion of humor and politics.

People find funny what people find funny, and thus I never got into discussions of who is funnier: Conservatives or liberals? The answer, of course, is that conservatives will find conservatives funnier and liberals will find liberals funnier. That's not to say there aren't some differences in approaches to humor between them, but at the core their doing jokes based on what their audiences believe to be true. Since conservatives and liberals believe fundamentally different things about some issues, humor tailored for one will fall flat for the other.

Jonah makes a good point on the perception of who is in power makes a difference. It's sad to say it, but a Democrat president and Democrat majorities in Congress would be a huge boon to this site.

Update: Here's the audio-only version.

Rating: 1.8/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (7) | Why Me Laugh?
I'll Believe Him If He Says He Broke His Wrist ``Getting It On``
Posted by Frank J. at 01:44 PM | Email This

John Edwards is now trying to overdo it in convincing everyone he's straight by claiming he broke his wife's rib while "getting it on." What could be the actual explanation? Did she get to close to his hair gel and he hit her with a baseball bat in a fit of rage? No, wielding a baseball bat is still too manly to be plausible. Maybe he saw a spider and clung on to her way too tight.

What do you think happened?

(hat tip Conservative Grapevine)

Rating: 1.6/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (22)
Something to Think About
Posted by spacemonkey at 11:10 AM | Email This

It takes a person 43 muscles to frown,
and 17 muscles to smile,
but only 4 to pull the trigger of a decent rifle.

The Moral:
Saving energy kills.

Rating: 0.5/5 (1 vote cast)

Comments (10)
Pucker Up
Posted by Frank J. at 11:08 AM | Email This
Hate filled lefty - Kos comic

Rating: 2.1/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (19) | Frank the Artist
Mitt Romney "Ocean" Ad Take 2
Posted by Frank J. at 09:03 AM | Email This

Mitt Romney's recent ad "Ocean" was so popular, he decided to do a follow up. Exclusive to IMAO, here is the new ad:

Rating: 3.0/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (10) | Mitt Romney Ads
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

Early maps labeled uncharted areas "Here be Fred Thompson." The practice was soon stopped because Fred Thompson prefers to be unlisted.

Rating: 2.4/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (7) | Fred Thompson Facts
July 26, 2007
Ronin Profiles: Motopolitico
Posted by Frank J. at 05:40 PM | Email This
Motopolitico
Let's meet some more IMAO readers. Today, it's Motopolitico.

* * * *

What's the story behind your name? Motopolitico is an amalgam of what I thought my blog would be about when I established by Blogger account way back when. Moto= Motorcycles. I like motorcycles. Let me be more specific. I like good, practical motorcycles, not those chrome plated toys ridden by lawyers and doctors on weekends. Politico= politics. I studied Political Science and History at the University of Vermont, which was pretty much like someone who smokes opium progressing to heroin, at least for me. Lots of monkey-faced liberals on that campus. Ward Churchill received a hero's welcome when he spoke on campus.

Where do you live? For the instant, I am living in Louisville, Kentucky attending The Southern Baptist Theological Seminary. I am in the process of relocating back to the Peoples' Republic of Burlington, VT, the city that gave a voice to Bernie Sanders. I'm gonna miss this red state.

How old are you? I will be 28 next month.

Tell us briefly about yourself. My mother immigrated LEGALLY from Canada, and has now been naturalized. That makes me a dual citizen. I went through the phase of pretending to be Canadian when I lived in the UK for a year, but living there really made me appreciate life here in the United States. I repented of my sins and believed in Jesus Christ at the age of 22, a few weeks after 9/11. At the University of Vermont, I brought a 100 dB air horn to a "2 minutes of silence for peace" protest, and worse. This was before I had heard of Protest Warriors. Another interesting fact about me is that during the mandatory Race and Culture class at the University of Vermont, I quit attending, went into the exams assuming white male heterosexuals are the scum of the earth, and got a B+. I think every conservative should attend a liberal college. It helps to make you strong, and also weeds out the RINOs. Oh, and I'd like to take the chance to personally apologize for the fact that I voted for Jim Jeffords in 2000. Truly, at the time I thought he was much better than the alternative.

Do you think punching can be a constitutionally protected form of expression? Yes, but it should be well-regulated, so that it is limited so that only monkey-faced liberals are the target. Monkey-faced liberals should be permitted to punch each other. We should do all we can to promote monkey-face on monkey-face violence. Thank you Cindy Sheehan, DU, and the Kos kids for helping to make my dream a reality.

How long have you been reading IMAO? I'd say since at least 2003. Back before it was uncool to post a comment FIRST!

What's your favorite IMAO post? The one during the Terry Schiavo incident when it was suggested that we should allow folks in Africa to starve and dehydrate to death. It was a good mix of dark humor, an amazing point, and a serious issue.

What's you favorite political issue? That one is a trick question. What I get most fired up about are my least favorite political issues. Lately, I've been thinking we need to get rid of open primaries and go back to the smoke filled room. That would make conventions far more interesting! I am socially conservative, so I strongly support pro-life and anti- gay marriage initiatives. I also think the resurrection of the "fairness" doctrine is going to be the next major political battleground.

Do you have a website? Having a blogger account these days is an awful lot like having an aol account used to be. It makes me the target of derision. But it is free, and allows me to blog as a hobby. My blog is located at http://motopolitico2.blogspot.com and uses a bog-standard blogger template. It is almost never "moto" since I sold my motorcycle before coming to seminary, nor is it especially "politico" anymore. It is really a seminary blog, where I post some of my better papers for classes and comment on the theological issues of today. A lot like a theological version of the Puppy Blender, only I don't say "heh". I hosted (and censored) the Carnival of Comedy once. My blog is usually not intentionally funny, although stay tuned for a piece of satire I am still carefully crafting.

The latest outrage on which I've done anything approaching groundbreaking is a prominent Southern Baptist pastor who, the week of the Southern Baptist Convention in San Antonio promoted his website where he sells complete sermon manuscripts in .pdf format for pastors to preach word-for-word for five dollars. He doesn't believe that to be encouraging plagiarism. You can read the incredible details here. I've bought the domain name seminarian.us, and if I can get my act together, I might actually get it off the ground as a legitimate seminary blog, complete with podcast interviews of any theologian I can get my hands on, about current theological issues. This blog would also have google ads to fill my empty pockets. I don't know if I can approach the awesomeness of the whatever Number One prize pack, when it comes to scamming fund raising potential.

If you could control the creatures of the sea with your mind, what would you do? I would command the dolphins to go back in time and rescue that young woman from the waters of Chappaquiddick so she could be prosecution witness #1, and Ted Kennedy would be living off the taxpayers in an entirely different way. He would share his cell with Bubba.

* * * *

If you commented that you want to be included before, you're still in the running. You can also comment in this post; just make sure you fill in your e-mail on the comment form (only I can see it so you don't have to worry about getting spam). Eventually we'll get to everyone. Thanks to everyone who has participated so far!

Rating: 2.3/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (14) | Ronin Profiles
Chee-had!
Posted by Harvey at 03:39 PM | Email This

Recently, the Transportation Security Administration announced that a cell phone charger taped to a block of cheese was found at an airport in someone's checked bag.

As a result of this discovery, the TSA has issued a warning to be on the lookout for suspicious combinations of food and non-food-related devices. Here's a partial list of things to become alarmed about:

Victim of cheese-related terror.



* Hearing aid superglued to a Dorito.

* iPhone stuffed in a haggis.

* Fig Newtons in a Van De Graaff generator

* Palm Pilot perched upon a pepperoni pineapple pizza.

* Giant pumpkin concealing a Borg Queen

* Hungry Man frozen dinner with a Hemi

* Universal remote control covered in a suspicious - yet delicately flavored - saffron-honey glaze

* Bacon, lettuce, and Nintendo cartridge sandwich

* Wii controller tucked inside a Twinkie

* BlackBerry pie

* Blackened Cajun DVD player

* "Chunky" Peanut Butter that's actually creamy peanut butter with tiny diodes.

* Det cord and meatballs

Final tip - if your birthday cake is throwing off sparks, run like hell:
.
birthday cake bomb.jpg

Rating: 2.5/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (17)
New Right Wing Blog Survey
Posted by Frank J. at 02:35 PM | Email This

John Hawkins has once again surveyed right wing bloggers (include me, even though I'm moderate). Surprisingly, not one of those surveyed were for rounding up the opposition into camps.

Rating: 1.8/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (6)
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
Posted by Harvey at 02:00 PM | Email This

john edwards fabulous.jpg During a recent bike ride with Lance Armstrong, John Edwards said, "the biggest problem is my butt hurts. Is that normal?".

Man, if I had a nickel for every time he's said that...

[Hat tip to Shimauma of Moonbunny's Comics for the link]

READER SURVEY: I'm thinking about including that little picture in the post title for these entries. Your opinion? Yes? No? Messes up the html too much? Put it in the body of the post? Just too darn creepy?

Let me know.

UPDATE: Apparently having it in the title screws up feed readers. So I made it a little larger and put it in the body of the post on the left side.

How's that?

Rating: 1.9/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (12) | John Edwards Fabulous Facts
Either He's Telling the Truth and He's a Scumbag or He's Lying and He's a Scumbag
Posted by Frank J. at 01:53 PM | Email This

I feel like I should post on this subject since the rest of the blogs are going on and on about it, but I just never cared that much. You had The New Republic publishing the account of one supposed soldier, Scott Thomas, in an attempt to make all our troops look evil. How enlightening of them. And, of course, it ends up the soldier's account has huge holes in it. So, the soldier has been identified and now he's calling all his critics "chickenhawks" even though most of his critics are veterans who took such slander much more personally. And it appears that Scott Thomas was a leftist even before going into the military (and then just happened to participate in atrocities that help his narrative after joining). And there's still no evidence of anything he said.

Lesson learned: Liberals hate the military and our troops even when they are in the military. So, don't let people who are openly liberal in the military.

Rating: 1.8/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (17)
Samurai vs. Monkey: Daily Kos
Posted by Frank J. at 12:11 PM | Email This

Is Daily Kos a hate site as O'Reilly contends or is it a mainstream Democratic site as Markos Zuniga says? To find out, here are the opinions of noted right-wing pundit Musashi and left-wing pundit Scary Evil Monkey.

The Daily Kos Is a Hate Site
By Musashi

 Many people have fought valiantly and lost their lives in the defense of the freedom of speech, but if any of them had ever seen the Daily Kos, they would lay down their arms and say, "Oh, enemies of America, come take this crap from me." Daily Kos does not honor the first amendment; it dishonors it with its moronic conspiracy talk and its visceral, toothless hatred. Yelling "FIRE!" in a crowded theater is not protected speech, and neither should it be protected to yell extremely retarded things while others are trying to watch a movie. This is Daily Kos, and it must be ended to honor the first amendment.

 Some say all should be left to talk, even the foolish for they may one day say something wise. Obviously, one who would say this has never seen the foolishness that is the Daily Kos. It has less chance of producing something intelligent than a thousand monkey at a thousand typewriter. It itself is feces covered monkeys at keyboards, pounding away at their keyboards all day for they are too useless to do anything else. We are all dumber for their existence. It should not be tolerated.

 Daily Kos should be shut down and everyone who participated on it will be forbidden from speaking again having now lost their freedom of speech in their stupidity. Any politician who thought so little of America as to actually patronize the fools from Kos should be run out of office and run out of the country; they are no longer Americans. If anyone from the Daily Kos dares try speaking again, he will be thrown down a well and the top will be sealed with a large rock so no human shall ever hear his voice. Perhaps when driven mad from having only themselves to listen to their insane prattle, they will kill themselves and thus, for once in their life, do something useful.

The Daily Kos Is Mainstream
By Scary Evil Monkey

dum stoopid heelbilly neocon jues! u tink u is samrt wons? do u not see poll numbers for yer savior boosh? hee has 25%. dis meens dat 75% OF AMERICA WANTS TO EET UR EYEBALLS AN TURN DEM INTO POO AND THROW DE POO AT U!!!! dat manestreem opinyun now, u dum stoopid heelbilly neocon jues!

dis is opinyun of kos site. dey samrt site. dey all for eeting eyeballs. dis not hate. dis wut samrt peepul doo. der sum disagreement, tho. many at kos like to eet de poo stead of throwing it. i not agree wit dat but i got troll rated wen i say wee shud throw poo an not eet it. I NOT TROLL! U SUPPOSED TO THROW POO AN NOT EET IT KOS STOOPIDS! maybe sum problum der on open debate but we doo all agree on eeting ur eyeballs. much open discussion on dat topic. very intelleegent.

so u dum stoopid heelbilly neocon jues shud stop calling kos hate site when it samrt site of manestreem thot. we majoritee now. so be redy for wen WE EET UR EYEBALLS AN TURN DEM INTO POO AN SUM EET DAT POO WHILE I THROW DAT POO AT U!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!

* * * *

I hope you enjoyed this debate and hearing both sides of the issue. Please give us feedback so we here at IMAO can serve your needs better.

Rating: 2.1/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (15) | Editorials
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 10:53 AM | Email This

Fred Thompson has never heard of soccer.

Rating: 2.0/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (14) | Fred Thompson Facts
The North American Union Explained
Posted by Frank J. at 09:36 AM | Email This

You may have heard mention of the North American Union on this blog (or, as I like to call it, the Vast Mexican Conspiracy) and are wondering what that is. It refers to the fact that President Bush is secretly meeting with the King of Canada and the Head Bandito of Mexico to combine all of North America into one country. Then we'll all be forced to work in factories making them tortillas and hockey sticks. Also, I think the Jews are behind it somehow.

My advice: If you ever see Mexicans and Canadians talking to each other, kill them before they can further conspire against us.

Rating: 1.1/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (22)
July 25, 2007
Fred Thompson and a Truther
Posted by Frank J. at 09:28 PM | Email This

Listen to this nut ask Fred Thompson about the "North American Union" and complete freak out and shout 9/11 conspiracies when she's finally dragged out at the end (you've never heard anyone shriller):

What do you think is the chance this freak is a Ron Paul supporter? How about 100%.

UPDATE

Here's a firsthand account of the incident.

Rating: 1.7/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (33)
Ronin Profiles: Shimauma and Moonbunny
Posted by Frank J. at 06:31 PM | Email This
Shimauma and Moonbunny
Let's meet some more IMAO readers. Today, it's Shimauma and her daughter Moonbunny.

* * * *

What's the story behind your name? Well, my comic company that I'd started with my friends as a fifth grader was nameless. I, being the only one to notice this, came up with Moonbunny comics co. like 'Marvel' and 'DC comics' and it's based on the ancient belief that there's a bunny in the moon. I didn't use it as an online name until my mother started doing so on IMAO. Shimauma adds: It's also to do with Watership Down stories of Elhahara. That's how we got the name for Moonbunny's little sis, Hlaoroo.

[I still have no clue where "Shimauma" comes from. -Ed.]

Where do you live? I wanted to say Mordor, Middle Earth, but my mom says we live in a crappy blue state as ussjimmycarter can vouch for.

How old are you? Mom says I'm not allowed to tell...she's really old though...and hits really hard.

Tell us briefly about yourself. I'm an observer/witness in the subtle (not) dramas of some highschool buddies, teetering on the edge of insanity, gaming, drawing, hitting things with sticks and writing ..............BALLOON!!!! Shimauma adds: She's got a little sister and a cool dad that passed on all his gaming knowledge with the same reverence of a Mafia boss handing over the family dynasty.

Is your kung fu strong? My mom says no, she uses deodorant, but so far I've mastered the Katana, Wakizashi, Streetfighting, Archery, and I know how to shoot a gun and hit the target thingy.

How long have you been reading IMAO? ?__? Can't 'member, but Mom says she found it about 3-4 years ago when she was looking up mean things to say about Michael Moore.

What's your favorite IMAO post? In My World because of Chomps eating hippies, and Rummy strangling hippies and Dubya's being funny and beating up of that Reid guy. Mom likes Frank Art because it reminds her of stickfigure theater on something called liquid television.

What's you favorite political issue? Lemon......
shimauma butting in: per the answer of a smart alecky teen, Socialized(government run) Education is a sore spot with me; give me a voucher for a charter school of my choice any day

Do you have a website? If so, briefly tell us about it. Shimauma answers: Our webpage is www.moonbunnyscomics.blogspot.com and was initially meant to just feature Moonbunny's Zombie Squirrel comics, but I've been known to highjack it to post my right wing views or just to put up something silly, though I'm certain the comics have silly covered pretty good. Back to Moonbunny.

If you had Superman's heat vision, how often would you use it? A lot. Heatafied vision is fun.

* * * *

If you commented that you want to be included before, you're still in the running. You can also comment in this post; just make sure you fill in your e-mail on the comment form (only I can see it so you don't have to worry about getting spam). Eventually we'll get to everyone. Thanks to everyone who has participated so far!

Rating: 2.4/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (17) | Ronin Profiles
Soccer Celebrations Provoke Insurgent Attacks in Iraq
Posted by Harvey at 05:02 PM | Email This

BAGHDAD (AP) - Two suicide car bombings struck soccer fans in Baghdad as they were celebrating Iraq's victory in the Asian Cup semifinal on Wednesday, killing at least 50 people and wounding more than 100, officials said. Insurgents say they will keep up the attacks until soccer fans agree to withdraw from Iraq.

Iraqi soccer players succumb to drowsiness during a recent inaction-packed game.

Insurgent leader Abu Hamza al-Muhajir explained, "soccer is strictly forbidden by the Koran, which clearly says 'kick not the ball of roundness, for it is an affront to Allah, and boring as hell to boot.'"

"Even if it were not strictly forbidden," al-Muhajir continued, "the game is very un-Muslim, as it involves neither beheadings nor mutilation. Hockey would be a much more fitting sport, if the Koran didn't also forbid ice."

Also cited as an issue is the composition of Iraq's soccer team, which contains Kurds, Sunnis, and Shias, all working together in harmony. "Where is the hating? Where is the killing?" asked al-Muhajir incredulously. "Iraqi children watch this game! They are being infected by its subversive message of tolerance. This 'sport' is unclean, like pigs and Jews, and those who follow its games must be eliminated for the glory of Allah."

Congressional Democrats held a similar view. "The fans of Iraqi soccer should withdraw immediately," said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. "Iraq's team will eventually lose, causing their disappointed followers to wail 'just wait until next year' like a bunch of pathetic Cubs fans. I'd hate to see anyone condemned to such a horrible fate."

President Bush, however, remained steadfast in his support for Iraqi soccer fans. "Even though I think that the most exciting part of soccer is watching the grass grow under the players' feet, the American people applaud the courageous Iraqis who can manage to stay awake and even feign interest in what is, after all, a little girl's game."

Rating: 2.1/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (8) | Newsish Fakery
An Idea...
Posted by Frank J. at 03:09 PM | Email This

Apparently, Fred Thompson isn't going to officially announce until maybe September 4th. How about he do a secret announcement now just for bloggers since, more for us than anyone else, it seems like we've been waiting forever. We promise not to tell the MSM about it; they don't listen to us anyway.

Rating: 2.0/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (8)
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
Posted by Harvey at 02:17 PM | Email This

John Edwards ninja-like dexterity allows him to knit, crochet, and needlepoint simultaneously.

Rating: 1.6/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (18) | John Edwards Fabulous Facts
A Thought...
Posted by Frank J. at 01:10 PM | Email This

With the problem of these fictional soldier and their fictional atrocities, shouldn't we put together some fictional tribunal to get to the bottom of this? BTW, if I write it, fair waring that the trial will get broken up by terminators from the future. Whenever a story drags, I suddenly have terminators from the future attack. They're a great device because every single story can have a future from which terminators can attack. Whoever wrote Pride and Prejudice could have used that advice.

Rating: 1.8/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (16)
In My World: Freaks on YouTube, Freaks on Stage
Posted by Frank J. at 11:17 AM | Email This

"I'm Anderson Cooper..." he pirouetted. "...360, and this is the Democratic presidential debate on CNN! Let's start with opening statements. First up, Hillary Clinton."

"I will be president! It is inevitable!" she pounded her podium, cracking it. "Your only choice is whether you stand behind me or whether you get in my way and feel my horrible wrath!"

"We agreed in the ground rules that there would be no time outs to touch Edwards's hair!"
"Barack Obama, your turn."

"I'm Barack Obama."

Cooper was quiet a moment waiting for Obama to continue. "Is that your entire opening statement?"

"That's all I got... well, that and my winning smile." Obama smiled and the audience erupted in applause.

"John Edwards, your statement."

"I want to unite the two Americas and end poverty and..." He started giggling. "I just can't stand how fabulous my hair is today. I hope their broadcasting this in HD, because you really just need to admire my hair." He ran his hand through it. "I could just feel it all day; I really could."

"Now on to the second and third tier candidates," Cooper said. "Since no one really cares what you all have to say, please be quick. Bill Richardson."

"I'm a governor, and you should all know that governor's are who usually become president, not Senators."

"Dennis Kucinich."

"We have to stop the mind controlling space lasers... with peace!"

"Mike Gravel."

"Rocks go in the river! Throw the rocks in the river!"

"Chris Dodd."

"I don't even know anything about me."

"And I should note that Joe Biden has decided not to give an opening statement to reduce the chance of him using a racial slur or some similar gaffe. Very wise of him." Cooper turned towards a large TV screen. "We in the media have been criticized for asking stupid, insipid questions, so to prove that things can be worse we asked the public to submit questions on YouTube. As expected, intelligent, thoughtful people didn't seem especially motivated to videotape themselves asking a question, but we went through what we had and found the most coherent and those least likely to make you give up hope in all humanity. Here's the first one."

On screen was a man staring into the camera with great confusion. "Is this recording? How do I know if this is recording? Maybe I need to hit this button again..." He reached forward and the screen went black.

"That actually was one of the best one's submitted," Cooper said. "Since it wasn't addressed to anyone in particular, who wants it?"

"I'll take it," Richardson says. "I believe the camera was recording."

Everyone else nodded in agreement.

"Good," Cooper said. "This next question is for Hillary."

On screen was some goth chick. "My question is for Hillary Clinton. As the the first openly evil presidential candidate, what are your plans for America?"

"If you knew the full extent of my plans, you would die from fear. Sill, I will say I plan to spread misery and pain to all Americans, but less misery and pain to those who do my bidding."

"Any rebuttals?" Cooper asked.

"NONE SHALL DARE REBUT ME!" Hillary screeched.

"Okay. Next question."

On screen was a woman. "This question is for Barack Obama. With Iraq possibly in a civil war and turmoil throughout the Middle East, how do you plan to stabilize that region and end America's presence in Iraq without genocide erupting afterwards?"

Obama thought for a few moments, and finally replied, "I'm Barack Obama!" He smiled, and the audience erupted in applause. "I think I'm winning the debate!"

"Probably, next question is for Edwards."

On screen was a man who looked like a hobo. "This is for John Edwards. What made you so interested in the cause of poverty?"

"One day I saw some people outside the front gate of my mansion. They looked like ants from so far away, but I used some binoculars and saw they were poor people. Then the most horrible thing happened: My security came out and started beating them. The government has to stop that!"

"Um... just to clarify," Cooper said, "you're asking for the government to stop your security guards from beating poor people?"

"Well, I can't stop them myself; those people are large and scary. What if they got angry and damaged my fabulous hair?!" Edwards ran his hand through. "Isn't it just luscious? Don't you want to touch it?"

Cooper was quiet for a moment, but then he reached out his hand. "Yes... I do want to touch it..."

"Hey!" Hillary yelled. "We agreed in the ground rules that there would be no time outs to touch Edwards's hair!"

"Fine, here's the next question."

On screen appeared a young woman. "This question is for Dennis Kucinich. I saw you standing in front of my neighbor's house all week wearing a blue coat and a pointy red hat. Why was that?"

"Thanks, I get that question a lot. That's actually a lawn gnome. A lawn gnome makes a house seem whimsical and welcoming and thus it actually accomplishes more than I do in Congress. Still, when I'm president, I want people to say, 'Though Dennis Kucinich looks like a lawn gnome, he has actually accomplished much more than said lawn ornament."

Hillary laughed. "Not likely. Why do I have to share the stage with this freak? When the power of America is mine, I vow never have to be as near someone as freakish as Dennis Kucinich again... except maybe for foreign diplomacy."

Dodd raised his hand. "Do I get a question?"

"No," Cooper replied. "I'm afraid there isn't anyone with enough spare times on his hands -- even on the internet -- to videotape a question for you."

Dodd hung his head. "Aww. Dodd sad."

"We now -- surprisingly -- have a question for Joe Biden."

A man holding a rifle appeared on screen. "I was wondering what Joe Biden thinks of gun rights and whether he'll try and take my firearms."

"Of course I'll take your gun!" Biden screamed. "You're a crazy sick man to have one! I will take your gun, lock you up, and then beat your children! Anyone who owns a gun is insane!" Biden turned towards a man off stage. "You, with the gun! You're sick!"

The man looked confused. "I'm part of security here."

Biden started walking towards him. "You're insane! I'm going to take your gun! And then I'm going to stangle you! And then I'll strangle your wife! And then I'll--"

Biden was cut off by a gun shot.

"Well, Biden just got himself shot because of his frank language we all know and love," Cooper said, "but since he's only a second tier candidate, I think we can go on without him."

"Can someone get him off stage and throw him in a dumpster?" Hillary demanded.

"He's still alive," Cooper answered.

"Do I look like I care? Get it done!"

Some people dragged away Biden. "This next question is for John Edwards."

A woman with heavy makeup appeared on screen. "Senator Edwards, how do you get your hair so bouncy?"

Edwards smiled. "I'm glad you asked that question. First you need to--"

"ARE YOU TRYING TO TAKE A PICTURE OF MY PENIS?!!" Anderson screamed at Edwards.

Edwards looked completely dumbfounded. "No, I'm just--"

"You're watching me, hoping my pants fall so you can take my picture of my penis!"

Edwards was stunned silent, but eventually he hung his head shamefully. "Yes, I was trying to take a picture of your penis. I'm sorry." He put away his camera phone.

Anderson kept glaring at Edwards suspiciously. "The next question is for Hillary."

A man came on screen. "Hillary Clinton, will you keep nuclear weapons on the table in your dealings with Iran?"

"I hope we can create a dialog with them and such threats won't be necessary, but if they ever get in the way of my political ambitions, I will nuke them and any country next to them! And I will eat their children's bones!"

"Any responses to that?" Cooper asked.

"I'm Barack Obama!" Obama smiled, and the audience erupted in applause. "I think I won the debate!"

"I wouldn't be surprised," Cooper said. "Since that's all the Democrat idiocy FCC regulations allows for one day, that concludes our debate. Thank you for watching CNN. CNN: Even more scared of FOX News than the Democrats."

Rating: 1.9/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (19) | In My World
Humor & Politics: What Not to Do
Posted by Frank J. at 10:09 AM | Email This

I'm an advocate for politicians using more humor to better relate with the public, but Best of the Web alerted me to a good example of how a complete lack of a sense of humor can make a politician look like a total moron. The Boston Globe did a fluff piece asking famous Bostonians who their favorite Simpsons character is, and here is John Kerry's answer:

"I could say my favorite character is Mr. Burns, because thanks to him even after Dick Cheney is out of office he will live on as a cartoon. But I'm actually a Bart fan, despite the fact Time named him one of the 100 most influential people, and I didn't make the list. He once mooned a doctor, indicating he has the same view toward our current health-care system most Americans do."

Wow. If the goal was to make Kerry seem like he has no sense of humor and no chance of relating to the common man, then mission accomplished. Give that man a hat (and he should hold on to it).

Really, all he had to do here was have one of his staff pick a character and grab a quote off the internet and it would have gotten a smile and made him appear semi-human (e.g., "My favorite character is Homer Simpson. 'Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals ... except the weasel.' Ha ha. What a merry soul.'"). Instead, he maladroitly tried to force politics into this while making the lamest attempt at humor using Simpsons references no one has ever heard of and only accomplished making himself seem like he has never legitimately laughed at anything in his entire life. This is like Data making an attempt at humor (before the emotions upgrade). The sad thing is you know he's never actually watched an episode of the show, so his staff helped him on this:

STAFF MEMBER 1: "According to LexisNexis, Bart Simpson was once listed in Time's 100 most influential people; do you think we can use that?"

STAFF MEMBER 2: "And the current big issue is health care. Let's work that in there."

STAFF MEMBER 3: "And the base really doesn't like Cheney. Can we put him in there too?"

STAFF MEMBER 4: "These are some good ideas. Let's schedule a three hour meeting and see what statement we can come up with to issue to the Boston Globe. Senator Kerry, do you have any input on the Simpson matter?"

KERRY: "Simpson, eh... wasn't he that colored man who stabbed his wife?"

Maybe I'm taking this too seriously as someone who appreciates humor, but whoever in Kerry's staff is behind that statement should be fired. Or shot. It's just that gob-smackingly horrible.

Rating: 1.5/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (19)
Democrat Debate Question
Posted by Frank J. at 09:00 AM | Email This

If you could ask any question to the Democratic presidential candidates at one of their debates, what would it be?

My question would be, "Quick show of hand: Who here has testicles?"

Rating: 2.5/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (21)
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

Fred Thompson never says, "More Ovaltine, please!" If you value your life, you will anticipate his Ovaltine needs.

Rating: 2.3/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (5) | Fred Thompson Facts
July 24, 2007
Ronin Profiles: DesertElephant
Posted by Frank J. at 06:02 PM | Email This
DesertElephant
Let's meet another IMAO reader. Today, it's DesertElephant.

* * * *

What's the story behind your name?

Well, I live in Arizona and I've always held very Conservative political beliefs. Even since I became aware of politics, I've always been an Evil tool of the Reagan/Bush/Cheney/Rove/Halliburton cabal. At least I would be if they ever returned my calls.

Where do you live?

I live in Phoenix, AZ. I've been here since I was 5 years old. And, even though I've been here a few decades, I still like to whine about the heat. It's my only muckadoo indulgence.

How old are you?

I am 27 years of age and turn 28 next month.

Tell us briefly about yourself.

I have lived in Arizona most of my life, raised by a hard-working blue-collar hero. My Father. He raised 5 kids for several years on much, much less than I made an hour when I started doing desktop support. And he never thought anyone owed him anything other than what he had earned. He's the reason I am the hardworking, heartless neocon I am today.

Also, I am IMAO's (at least one of them) resident Gimp. I was crippled by a motorcycle accident 4 years ago. Strangely, I never blamed Bush for it. And, though I could sit at home fat and lazy on all your taxes, I choose to be useful to the community. I beat hippies with my cane. I also enjoy clubbing baby harp seals.

What liberal do you most want to punch in his dumb monkey face?

Oooo… toughie. I suppose, if I had to choose, it would be George Soros. He is the man and money behind the impotent rage of the libtard horde. But, can I use a baseball bat instead? I really would like to do a number on this "champion of the poor" who grew fat and rich by killing the economy of nations.

What's your favorite IMAO post?

I have a favorite segment, but not necessarily a favorite post. The Frank Editorials are awesome. And, I'm beginning to really like this segment as well. Also, growing in the polls is IMAO: Condensed. Short, sweet, and sure to send the MFL's here at work to poo-flinging.

What's you favorite political issue?

Ugh. This I have no favorite in. Politics is going to drive me to an early grave. In much the same way Heroin does. I hate how politics anger me, but I can't stay away. If pressed to give up the issue closest to home, it would be a tie between the GWOT and 2A issues. I loved my Country and my guns.

Do you have a website? If so, briefly tell us about it.

Sure. I have a blog at http://absurdspices.blogspot.com. I started it while I still was riled up about current events. I haven't published anything lately as I've grown a bit apathetic and lazy when it comes to blogging. That and I end up nearly having an apoplexy from all the rants I have in my noggin trying to claw their way out at once.

I named the blog absurd spices because I believe Absurdity, and not variety, is the true spice of life. Heck, maybe I'll write something again. Hard to get motivated when I'm constantly busy. No wonder KOS has so many posts in a day.

If you had a death ray, would you use if for good instead of evil?

I would take out the Moon, since you can't seem to get it nuked. Then I'd use it to turn the Arabian Peninsula and most of the Middle East into a very quiet place. You can judge if that's good or evil. I think it's great. Also, I'd take over the world and declare myself Emperor.

How much are you asking for Said Death Ray anyway? Do you take PayPl?

* * * *

If you commented that you want to be included before, you're still in the running. You can also comment in this post; just make sure you fill in your e-mail on the comment form (only I can see it so you don't have to worry about getting spam). Eventually we'll get to everyone. Thanks to everyone who has participated so far!

Rating: 1.4/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (17) | Ronin Profiles
On the Bright Side - No Cubicles
Posted by Harvey at 05:04 PM | Email This

Why have dozens of Iraqis stopped working in low-level positions for Al Qaeda? Is it because they don't want their faces cut off with piano wire, or is there something more? After diligent research, I've discovered there are actually a variety of reasons:



* No falafel-flavored donuts in employee break room.

* Tired of asking customers, "you want IED's with that?".

* Insanely high co-pay for doctor visits involving bullet removal.

* Annoying woman at corner desk constantly ululating to herself.

* Sick of being reminded about the damn TPS report cover sheets.

* When hired, they were lied to about the 401(k) including a 73rd virgin.

* Every five minutes, have to stop working to shake sand out of the keyboard.

* Cards in Windows Solitaire not in Arabic.

* Soda machine constantly out of Mecca Cola.

* Only management is allowed to drive company camels.

* Stray goats keep wandering in off the street and eating the timecards.

* Have to provide own beheading knife.

* Not allowed to take a personal day to stand in line for new Harry Potter book.

* Office secretary no longer falling for the old "my 43rd wife doesn't understand me" line.

* Stray, timecard-eating goats protected by company sexual harassment policy.

Still beats working in the Microsoft Security Response Center, though.

Rating: 2.8/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (9)
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
Posted by Harvey at 03:07 PM | Email This

It's not that John Edwards *isn't* afraid of the dark, it's just that he's even MORE afraid of night lights.

Bonus fact from Frank J.:
At Democratic debates, John Edwards always complains about Hillary leaving the toilet seat up.

Fabulous Fact Bonus Reader Challenge:
John Edwards - ballet... make the connection in the comments.

Rating: 2.6/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (37) | John Edwards Fabulous Facts
I Question Your Patriotism
Posted by Frank J. at 01:54 PM | Email This

People get angry if they get singled out for having their patriotism questioned, so I'm just going to go ahead and questions everyone's patriotism. No one gets patriotism until it's approved by me. I automatically get patriotism because I came up with the idea. So, go ahead and prove your patriotism in the comments, but if you can't say something great about America without feeling the need to point out something bad about America or you can't refer to the troops without patronizing them like they're dumb little children, then NO PATRIOTISM FOR YOU! You get to die and go to traitor hell where Satan will torture you with hot pokers for all eternity while laughing his head off (but don't you dare question his mercy).

UPDATE:

I have commenters that are so patriotic that it makes me feel sad and pathetic. You may all be patriotic, but you should feel bad for making me feel bad!

UPDATE 2:

Actually, that previous statement was too touchy-feely which isn't very American. Thus I rescind it and would like to express that I'm a much better patriot than each and every one of you.

Rating: 2.0/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (59)
So You Want to Be a Republican
Posted by Frank J. at 12:35 PM | Email This

We are going to be facing a challenging election in 2008, but we've got a bit of a problem: Current Republicans kinda suck. They're old, they move slowly, they don't listen, and some of them kinda smell. If the Republican Party wants to succeed in the future, we need a brand new breed of Republicans. We need to give all the old Republicans a shiny new watch, say, "Thanks for your service," and then air out their offices in time for the dynamic breed of Republicans: The Next Generation.

"You're blabbering on like a mental patient. This is 'So You Want to Be a Republican,' not 'So You Want to Be Ron Paul.'"
So, how do we find great new Republicans to run for office, one who will stay steady on the war, secure the borders, and kick ass wherever an ass needs kicking?

American Idol.

American Idol has been successful at publicly selecting new singing stars who go one to sell multi-platinum albums. Why can't a similar format select great new Republicans who would then go on to win elections and terrorize our enemies?

First step, we need good judges to weed out the best Republicans from those who tryout. We don't want a Sanjaya Republican to make it to later rounds, someone who seems good at first but ends up being tone deaf on core issues. My first choice for judge would be Ann Coulter. She's not always my favorite pundit, but she's quite frank and will tear someone apart when needed. I'd say my choice for the other two judges (you always have three judges) would be Rush Limbaugh and Michelle Malkin... but that's just off the top of my head. Anyway, getting the right judges will be key as I assume there will be a lot of people trying out to be Republicans and trying to impress us with their rhetoric, and we want only the best to get to the later rounds where the public will vote. So initial rounds will quiz the Republican tryouts on all the key issues and the judges will toss out all the ones who don't measure up.

Then we make it to the final round where the Republican wannabes will tell us their plans for war and taxes and then the public will vote on their favorite at the end of each show. Each show will be different topics they'll have to debate on as the public weeds out the weaker ones. Finally, only one will be left and he or she will be named a new Republican and automatically become the Republican's candidate for a seat in the House of Representatives or a Senate seat. Now all the people who voted for this Republican on the show won't be able to wait to vote for him or her for real.

This is a genius idea. I'm sure that after we do it, there will be pale weak imitations like So You Want to Be a Democrat, but there's no way they'll be as successful (who wants to watch an hour of people trying to out whine each other?).

So, let's get to this. If the Republican Party wants to succeed, it needs great, new candidates, and what better way to find them than a huge public spectacle? That's not a rhetorical question; what better way is there to find someone we know everyone will want to vote for? You can't name one. I win.

Rating: 0.8/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (12)
Stupid
Posted by Frank J. at 12:13 PM | Email This

Isn't telling a gun owner to his face that he's mentally deficient a display of mentally deficiency? Really, what's the best outcome you can expect from that? Politically, it will lose you a lot of votes, but if you honestly think the person is crazy, aren't you anticipating an even worse outcome?

Rating: 3.1/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (10)
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 10:06 AM | Email This

Do liberals really support the troops?

Read More...


Rating: 2.7/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (6) | Fun Trivia
Today's Poll
Posted by Frank J. at 09:06 AM | Email This

Rating: 2.8/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (6)
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

In the original version of the tale "The Three Little Pigs," Fred Thompson successfully blows the brick house down, turns the three pigs into BLTs, and makes a hat out of the big bad wolf.

Rating: 2.5/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (5) | Fred Thompson Facts
July 23, 2007
Ronin Profiles: Master Shake
Posted by Frank J. at 05:34 PM | Email This
Master Shake
Let's meet another IMAO reader. Today, it's Master Shake.

* * * *

What's the story behind your name?

I watch too many cartoons for my age. However, I could not imagine a better role model for today’s youth than a giant, vaguely anthropomorphic milkshake. Plus, he’s fairly easy to draw. And I can claim that I have my own action figure.

Where do you live?

Evansville, Indiana

How old are you?

39

Tell us briefly about yourself.

I turned a math/computer science degree into an exciting job (forgive the sarcasm now dripping from your monitor) as a computer programmer/systems analyst. I now wish that I had chosen graphic design, but my time machine is on the fritz again – stupid monkeys! Once I find my own t-shirt girl, I plan to take over the blogododecahedron with my mad technical, drawing, and Photoshopping skills. As you can tell from my blog, Frank has much to fear. BWAH HA HA HA HA! In my spare time, I have been known to impersonate trolls in order to further enrage them and increase their entertainment value.

What's your least favorite monkey?

Scary Evil Monkey. Unless you want a real monkey, in which case I would say the Mandrill – it sounds more like Aquaman’s favorite monkey, and Aquaman is the enemy of all that is good and pure.

How long have you been reading IMAO?

A little over three years. Someone linked here, and I’ve been addicted ever since.

What's your favorite IMAO post?

In My World. I read the entire In My World archives the first day I saw them. I miss Rumsfeld and Chomps, though….

What's your favorite political issue?

National security/terrorism. A related issue would be government waste, such as how these Democrat traitors and terrorist-sympathizers are still walking around free when Bush built all those detention camps!

Do you have a website? If so, tell us briefly about it.

My blog is “Sanity Blender” (http://sanityblender.blogspot.com/), and nothing says “quality” better than two posts in a year.

If you had the power to just point at something and make it magically be painted pink, do you think you could make practical use of that power?

Definitely! That would be extremely useful for marking liberals, a.k.a. “pinkos.” Right now, they are able to walk among us, undetectable and plotting how to destroy America – for all you know, the person next to you right now could be Sarcasm Man!

* * * *

If you commented that you want to be included before, you're still in the running. You can also comment in this post; just make sure you fill in your e-mail on the comment form (only I can see it so you don't have to worry about getting spam). Eventually we'll get to everyone. Thanks to everyone who has participated so far!

Rating: 2.3/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (13) | Ronin Profiles
Ed, Who Art Thou?
Posted by spacemonkey at 05:02 PM | Email This

I don't know if anyone else has noticed this. but someone named Ed is messing with the comments.

For instance I made a comment the other day on one of the Ronin Profile posts.

My comment:

This feature needs a graphic.
made sense, expressing what I recognized as a need of a graphic for the feature (which it lacked).

Then a few moments later, my comment was changed and said this.

This feature needs a graphic.

[So's your FACE! Ed.]

Anybody know what's going on? It seems to be getting worse. Furthermore, I don't even know an Ed.

Rating: 0.8/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (8)
lolterizt! Part 8
Posted by Harvey at 04:53 PM | Email This

Once again, pass 'em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don't be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.



terizt matrix.jpg

freebird.jpg

i go bafroom.jpg

splodey twinkees.jpg

moore jihad.jpg



Reader submissions:

From Samuel:
play with doggie.JPG

From Gordon:
i is angel.jpg

From Chris:
ragecowbell.jpg

From Beth of MY Vast Right Wing Conspiracy
jihadkid.jpg

From Tyrant Rex:
superman r coming.jpg

From Erik Wit:
sad rpg.JPG

Two from Sir Andrew of GOPedia:
bust caps.jpg

no virgins.jpg



PRODUCTION NOTE: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

Send your submissions to lolterizt-at-gmail.com and - if they aren't obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don't suck too terribly bad - I'll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

Rating: 1.6/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (4) | lolterizt
Don't Forget, They Hate the Troops
Posted by Frank J. at 04:26 PM | Email This

Over at the Daily Kos, they like to pretend they support the troops while only referring to them with patronizing terms such as "children," but you barely have to scratch them to reveal they truly hate the military and anyone in it. Look at the virtual orgasm of the Kwazy Kos Kids in reaction to this post where someone calls our military "morally retarded" and refers to their "fat whining families." The author, who used to be on SNL, even insults in the comments a mother who lost a son in Iraq. This all days after YearlyKos lost Jet Blue as a sponsor when O'Reilly labeled it a hate site because it's... well... a site full of hate.

Apparently, this has been a bit of wake of call to Kos who, after already banning Truther talk, wants to stop the new conspiracy theories about an oncoming dictatorship (real problems are a bit too much for Kwazy Kos Kids to focus on). The questions is, if Kos gets rid of the haters and the loons, will he have anyone left?

This would all be silly entertainment if it weren't for the fact that the Democratic presidential candidates are actually going to YearlyKos to kiss the unwiped bums of these weirdos. If someone can't even stand up to these freaks, does he or she really have the mettle to be president?

Rating: 2.3/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (12)
Clarification
Posted by Frank J. at 04:09 PM | Email This

When I say "Nuke the Moon," I am referring only to Earth's moon (a.k.a., the Moon). I am not referring to any other moon, as nuking them would be pointless since they aren't as readily visible as our moon. So, don't any of you start chanting "Nuke Frank," because that's not funny.

BTW, did you know that Saturn's rings have an atmosphere? I wonder if we could live there. That would be something.

PERSON 1: So where do you live?

PERSON 2: Saturn's rings.

PERSON 1: ...

PERSON 1: Do you get mail service there?

PERSON 2: Well... every few decades they send by a probe.

Rating: 0.5/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (5)
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
Posted by Harvey at 03:06 PM | Email This

When John Edwards plays golf, he wonders why his buddies always tee off from WAAAAAY back there.

Rating: 2.2/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (4) | John Edwards Fabulous Facts
Slumber Part While People Are Dying
Posted by Frank J. at 02:30 PM | Email This

Mary Katharine (Suparstar!) Ham has her best HamNation yet exposing just how terminally unserious the Democrats are. It's hard to give it justice in words; go watch it.

Rating: 2.8/5 (2 votes cast)

Frank J. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Review
Posted by Frank J. at 02:04 PM | Email This

I enjoyed it. Immensely.

It seemed it would be a high feat to meet the anticipation for this book, but I felt it succeeded.

There seems to be a tendency to overanalyze the series due to its huge popularity, but the fact is the seven books are good stories with no more aspirations than to be good stories. I'm sure someone could pick apart the writing and plots to death if so inclined, but that's missing the forest for the trees. There was an entertaining plot, characters I cared about, promotion of good values everyone believe in (courage, primarily), and then the x-factor that's the indefinable quality Rowling brought to it all.

I'm sorry to see it all end, but then again, I now have the complete series to one day read to my children. That I look forward to.

Rating: 1.7/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (27)
Outrage of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 01:25 PM | Email This

JUDGE: You've raped, murdered, robbed, and burned down orphanages, but finally you've been brought to face justice, you piece of scum. What do you have to say for yourself?

DEFENDANT: No speak English.

JUDGE: Oh. Then run along, you scamp!

Rating: 2.9/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (9)
IMAO Condensed: The 2000 Presidential Election
Posted by Frank J. at 12:39 PM | Email This

Rating: 2.4/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (5) | IMAO Condensed
About IMAO
Posted by Frank J. at 12:05 PM | Email This

I've finally added an About IMAO page. It's nothing special for those who know the site, but it should be helpful to new people who come to IMAO and are like, "What the hell is this?"

So, anyone know any politics worth making fun of today?

Rating: 1.7/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (10)
Pre-Scheduled Post
Posted by Frank J. at 09:00 AM | Email This

This is a pre-scheduled post to tell you I was up late last night finishing the Harry Potter book, but I'll be getting my lazy butt up soon and finding what happened in the world outside while my mind was elsewhere this weekend.

Also, expect a new IMAO Condensed today.

Rating: 2.7/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (3)
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

Fred Thompson can improve a floundering economy simply by glaring at it menacingly.

Rating: 2.4/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (2) | Fred Thompson Facts
July 22, 2007
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
Posted by Harvey at 03:07 PM | Email This

Despite his constant undermining of the war effort, John Edwards secretly wants the US to win the War on Terror because he thinks he's look awful in a burka.

Rating: 2.5/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (6) | John Edwards Fabulous Facts
High Dad
Posted by spacemonkey at 10:41 AM | Email This

So Al Gore III was caught with 140 Vicodin pills. Big bloated polluted deal. I'm sure the whole thing has been blown out of proportion.

Give his manbearpig fightin' verbally opposin' daddy some time, folks! You know he'll be able to produce an overdose or two worth of Drug Abuse offsets that promote getting other kids off drugs while allowing your own to dose freely. Just like everything else there's no sin you a Gore can commit that will stick as long as you a Gore is paying.to help other people kick the habit.

If he's super lucky his incarceration offsets will prevent any jail time. Read the last part of the story at the link.

Limousine liberals: Always put their money where their mouth is since, well, doing something would be just so inconvenient and frankly beneath them, but not you.

Rating: 2.0/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (10)
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

Fred Thompson has an extensive library of thousands of scholarly books on every topic... and each one has been hollowed out and had a gun placed inside it.

Rating: 2.0/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (5) | Fred Thompson Facts
July 21, 2007
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
Posted by Harvey at 10:00 PM | Email This

John Edwards wishes he were Superman - mostly for the tights.

Bonus facts from reader Matt:

* John Edwards understands the Pet Shop Boys on a level that nobody else ever will.

* John Edwards is banned from the First Response Home Pregnancy Test factory because his mere presence turns all of the test sticks pink. Although it could be because Fred Thompson's mere presence actually impregnates the women.

* John Edwards believes in global warming because "Whew, is it getting hot in here or what? You boys wanna take them shirts off?"

* John Edwards uses the "No More Tears" shampoo but cries anyway. Not because it stings, but because he gets wistful at the thought of his hair losing its perfect form while he washes it.

* John Edwards fears Boy George really wants to hurt him.

Rating: 2.3/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (10) | John Edwards Fabulous Facts
Did/Does Harry Potter Die? The Truth Is Stranger Than Fiction
Posted by spacemonkey at 08:12 PM | Email This

Spoiler Alert: This article contains spoilers to the Harry Potter series, though not really any spoilers for any of the books.

Does Harry Potter Die?
Everybody wants to know if Harry Potter dies in the new book, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. The answer is not so simple. But here it is.

Read More...


Rating: 3.2/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (10)
Five Sheets At Once? Does Sheryl Crow Know About This?
Posted by Harvey at 05:07 PM | Email This

As long as Kimberly-Clark's new automatic toilet paper dispenser keeps the stuff from shredding or tearing lengthwise, I will gladly embrace this new technology.

Even if it does destroy the environment.

Well... actually, because of that reason...

Rating: 3.0/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (8)
Is Islamic Rage Boy Funny? A Debate with the Humorless
Posted by Frank J. at 11:30 AM | Email This

Potfry was on BBC radio debating terrorist apologist Ibrahim Hooper of CAIR about whether Islamic Rage Boy is funny. It took about two seconds for Hooper to mention the Nazis (who apparently had to deal with all those rage-filled Jews screaming for the death of Europe).


"If you laugh at me, you're a Nazi!"

If Hooper's goal is to make the American public believe that Muslims are either terrorists or whiny apologists for terrorists, he's very good at what he does.

Here is the American Spectator on the Islamic Rage Boy debate (and the article includes some examples of acceptable Islamic humor).

Rating: 1.0/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (14)
Special Harry Potter Edition Fred Thompson Facts
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

* Fred Thompson's glare has the same effect as a Cruciatus Curse.

* Dumbledore was the only wizard Voldemort ever feared. Why? Because Dumbledore was friends with Fred Thompson.

* Fred Thompson can transform into the most powerful Animagus form of all: Fred Thompson.

* If you call Fred Thompson a Muggle, he'll cast a spell on you where you spit out all your teeth. He uses his fist to cast the spell.

* A Quidditch game ends when either the Golden Snitch is caught or Fred Thompson becomes bored.

* Fred Thompson has killed more Death Eaters than any Auror... and that was just this morning.

* Even an Imperius Curse can't make you vote against Fred Thompson.

* SPOILER!!! At the end of Deathly Hallows, Fred Thompson kills Voldemort. With a ping pong paddle.

Rating: 2.6/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (10) | Fred Thompson Facts
July 20, 2007
Two Hours of Pure Terror
Posted by Frank J. at 10:10 PM | Email This
Grrrr....

Cheney will be acting President for at least two hours tomorrow.

Consider this fair warning to the liberal blogosphere.

Rating: 2.4/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (19)
Ronin Profiles: Veeshir
Posted by Frank J. at 04:41 PM | Email This
Veeshir
Let's meet another IMAO reader. Today, it's Veeshir.

* * * *

What's the story behind your name?

My last name is "Fisher", when I was in grammar school a friend used to call me "Meeester Feeeesher" and he kept lengthening it until it was "Meeeeeeeeeester Veeeeeeshir" (His spelling, I used to spell it "Veesher"). Since both my first and last names are very common while there is only one Veeshir, I went with that so as not to be confused with anyone else.

Where do you live?

Historic Alexandria, Va.

How old are you?

44, I'm all excited. I'm only about 10 years or so from being a dirty, old man. That's been my goal since I was 16.

Tell us briefly about yourself.

I retired for my 20s and saw the world (through rose-colored eyes). When I was 30, I realized it was time to start pretending to be an adult so I went back to school and got a BS in Mechanical Engineering. Now? I never do engineering work. Funny how that works out. Little known Veeshir Vact, I'm blind in one eye.

Ever spend time wondering what a nuclear blast on the moon would really look like?

Actually no, I have a shirt with a picture and everything. Considering you sold me the shirt, I would think you would know that.

How long have you been reading IMAO?

Nearly 5 years, I'm not sure when I started, it was probably after the first time the Emperor linked to you but before you were first called FrnakJ. The first comment by me I can find is from October, 2002, back when your comment button said, 'IYAO'. [That would be back when IMAO was on Blogspot. -Ed]


What's your favorite IMAO post?

I don't think I have just one. I have favorite lines, with my personal favorite probably being when Kim Jong Il said he needed nukes to be able to reduce the size of his army. Rumsfeld responded with something like, "Tell him I too have a plan for reducing the size of his army that involves nukes." I do miss your "Links of the Day", those were usually pretty fun.

What's your favorite political issue?

Don't have one anymore, I'm totally sick of politics. That's why I mostly just attempt humor in my comments. The W2 shirt you sold me does encapsulate the two issues most dear to my heart, "4 more years of low taxes and dead terrorists".

If you could magically turn any one person into a three-legged goat, who would it be and why?

Hassan Nasrallah, so I could watch his followers turn him into a gyro. That would be funny.

* * * *

If you commented that you want to be included before, you're still in the running. You can also comment in this post; just make sure you fill in your e-mail on the comment form (only I can see it so you don't have to worry about getting spam). Eventually we'll get to everyone.

Rating: 2.6/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (24) | Ronin Profiles
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
Posted by Harvey at 03:01 PM | Email This

Since watching "Mrs. Doubtfire", John Edwards can't stop thinking about getting himself a "woman suit".

Let's hope he never watches "Silence of the Lambs".

Rating: 1.3/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (5) | John Edwards Fabulous Facts
Obama: Not Really Feeling the Genocide
Posted by Frank J. at 02:34 PM | Email This

Barack Obama has said that he doesn't think preventing genocide is a good enough reason to stay in Iraq.

IRAQI PEOPLE: "Help us, Obama! If America leaves, we'll all be slaughtered!"

OBAMA: "Does this look like the face of someone who cares?"

That's cold. Maybe Obama is presidential. Then again, while he doesn't see the big deal about genocide, the issues he does find important are probably like gay marriage and broadband internet for the poor.

At least he's honest about it.

Rating: 0.5/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (22)
America Can't Win the ''War on Steam''
An Editorial by Harvey
Posted by Harvey at 01:01 PM | Email This

During New York's Wednesday rush hour, a steam pipe exploded, killing one person and injuring 44.

Incidents such as this make it obvious that the only sensible course of action is to withdraw from America's insane War on Steam.

"When left unmolested, steam lives up to its name as 'the vapor of peace'"

President Bush's Hitler-like scheme of rounding up steam and putting it in concentration camps - or "pipes", as he euphemistically calls them - is a dismal failure. It does nothing but anger the steam and cause it to lash out uncontrollably, as it did in New York, spewing a "dirty bomb" of carcinogenic asbestos into the air. We don't have to ask "why does steam hate us?". The answer is obvious - because America is a brutal, oppressive country with no rights, whose only goal is to prevent steam from living free.

The Bush Steam Doctrine of "contain, concentrate, condense" is absurd and unnecessary. When left unmolested, steam lives up to its name as "the vapor of peace", seeking only to be left alone to expand or contract inversely proportional to its pressure in accordance with the sacred texts of the Prophet Boyle.

It's only Bush's fascist policy of trying to maintain complete control over steam's movement that has brought this current horror upon us. To be truthful, we deserve it. Who are we to judge the rightness of wrongness of our moist and gaseous fellow-travelers on Spaceship Earth? Should we consider ourselves "superior" to warm, dissipated moisture?

Hardly.

The time has come to admit our failures, both military and moral, and stop treating innocent steam with an automatic assumption of guilt. We must release the steam from the "pipes" we've confined it to and let it roam freely.

The only sensible course of action is to bring our plumbers home, and end our government's policy of cruelty. It's time to withdraw from the War on Steam.

America must stop trying to be the world's teakettle.

---

Harvey is a non-disabled Navy veteran accidentally hired to fill an affirmative action quota at IMAO.us. He is also the author of such books as "Boiling Mad: Stihad in America" and "Hot & Wet: A Pictoral History of Steamy Love Scenes".

Rating: 2.9/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (19) | Editorials
Serious Times, Silly People
Posted by Frank J. at 11:35 AM | Email This

Here's yet another recommended diary at the Daily Kos where one of the Kwazy Kos Kids is warning of the impending dictatorship and how they must do something to stop it. Let's take it as a fact that they honestly believe in their hearts that they're the only ones who see the end of America coming and know they must take action, then what exactly do these hysterical ninnies think they can do to stop a dictatorship? Are they going to attack it with the combined might of their impotence? Overpower it with their rank odor? Whine and shriek until it surrenders?

I had a friend in college who did live action role playing games. That's where they would run around the city play acting that they were vampires. He was very earnest in explaining it to me and my roommate which is why it was so entertaining to make fun of him. Anyway, DailyKos is a bit like a live action role playing game where the Kwazy Kos Kids live in a fantasy world of danger and intrigue and they pretend they're doing stuff about it. The difference is that the Democrats don't pretend to care about the interests of people pretending to be vampires nor kowtow to their demands in the hope of good vampire press and donation money.

Rating: 1.5/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (24)
Bleh
Posted by Frank J. at 11:01 AM | Email This

It's Friday and I'm tired, so here's a link to unintentionally hilarious Superman covers. Is that really how they teased comic books back in the day? That Superman is mean. One comic actually poses the question "Who would win in a fight to the death between Jimmy Olsen and Aquaman?" Kill him, Aquaman! Kill him!

Rating: 2.0/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (7)
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 09:08 AM | Email This

A judge threw out the lawsuit of secret agent media whore Valerie Plame. What was the judge's other ruling?

Read More...


Rating: 2.3/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (5) | Fun Trivia
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

Fred Thompson's home alarm system automatically calls the police, but it seems kinda useless since they'd never arrive in time to save the burglar.

Rating: 2.4/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (7) | Fred Thompson Facts
July 19, 2007
Ronin Profiles: PaleoMedic
Posted by Frank J. at 05:13 PM | Email This
PaleoMedic
Let's meet another IMAO reader. Today, it's PaleoMedic.

* * * *

Where do you live?

Fort Collins, Colorado

How old are you?

41. I remember weird things, like Elizabeth Montgomery on my dad’s black and white TV telling me that “Bewitched is next, in color.”

Tell us briefly about yourself.

Born in Butte Montana, raised in Cody Wyoming. Despite decades living in cowboy country I loathe, yes, loathe, country music. Married for nearly twenty years, two sons, 18 and 16. Both plan on enlisting in the military, one Army, one Marine Corps. It’s genetic, I think. Grandpa was a reservist in the Army Air Corps and an engineer for Boeing, building B29s. Dad, Marine; brother, Marine; two brothers, Army.

Ever punch a liberal in his dumb monkey face?

Soon, hopefully. I’m actually fortunate. The people surrounding me are remarkably lucid. Most of the MFL types who irk me are on TV or in a news article, so punching would require a lot of planning and driving. Might be worth the effort though…Boulder is close.

How long have you been reading IMAO?

At least three years, give or take a couple months. IMAO was the first place I ever posted a comment, anywhere. My moment of giddiness was quickly replaced by the realization that I sounded like a total moron…nothing’s changed. I live and die with each comment.

What's the story behind your name?

I was a combat medic in the Army from 1987-1991. I spent three years in Germany. PaleoMedic is just an overly self-important tag I adopted. I missed the big show in the desert. Can’t tell you how much it sucks to be left behind, especially after training three years for it. It still gnaws at me, haunts my dreams, and I hope to reenlist after the boys graduate (my wife made me promise to wait till then—two years!)

What's your favorite IMAO post?

Impossible to pick just one, but I’ve always loved In My World. Reading Dubya’s lines and imagining his
weird breathy Texas patois cracks me up. And the stories oddly make more sense than what actually comes out of Washington.

What's you favorite political issue?

I actually hate politics, but it’s an addiction I can’t seem to quit. It’s therapeutic, however, to be able to laugh at the absurdity of it all, and IMAO is key to that therapy (Butt Smooching Moment, or BSM) I pay a lot of attention to anything involving national defense and the war.

Do you have a website?

Just started a lame-o blog that is still in its larval stage, paleomedic.mee.nu. It’s literally a week old, if that. I aspire to achieve my own Nuke The Moon moment soon (BSM Redux). For now, though, I got nothing.

If you had the choice between a lifetime supply of bacon and the ability to breathe underwater, which would you choose and why?

Gotta go with bacon. It’s tasty, and works like garlic in deterring bad guys with designs to blow me up. The grease also words an adequate pomade for my hair. And being in a landlocked state, underwater breathing would be underutilized.

* * * *

Only two in, and I'm really liking this segment.

If you commented that you want to be included before, you're still in the running. You can also comment in this post; just make sure you fill in your e-mail on the comment form (only I can see it so you don't have to worry about getting spam). Eventually we'll get to everyone.

Rating: 2.6/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (27) | Ronin Profiles
Just When You Thought They'd Hit Bottom, Out Come the Shovels
Posted by Harvey at 04:12 PM | Email This

According to the latest Gallup Poll, Congress's approval rating has sunk to a historic low of 14%.

In order to help put that into perspective, here are a list of things that - as of this week - are now more popular than Congress:



* Fungus

* Boils

* Burnt toast

* Drunk drivers

* Drunk dialers

* DMV employees

* Personal injury lawyers

* Hangnails

* Hangovers

* Spammers

* Yipping Yorkies

* Simpsons Trivia

* Gas Prices

* Geico (among cavemen)

* Susan B. Anthony dollars

* Retaining water

* Boy Shakira

* Stepping in poo

* Blue Screen of Death

* Power outages

* Voldemort

* Nose hair

* Soap scum

* Earwigs

On the bright side, Congress still holds a slight lead over AIDS, Hitler, and the 1/2 Hour News Hour, so there may still be hope for them.

Rating: 2.5/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (18)
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
Posted by Harvey at 03:05 PM | Email This

Before attending law school, John Edwards briefly considered becoming a gynecologist so that he could do self-exams.

Rating: 1.8/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (7) | John Edwards Fabulous Facts
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 01:18 PM | Email This

Why do Democrats want to remove protections for people reporting suspicious, unAmerican activity?

Read More...


Rating: 2.8/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (5) | Fun Trivia
In My World: Up All Night
Posted by Frank J. at 12:23 PM | Email This

"And this is the Capitol Building. Everyone here is stupid," President Bush told the little Iraqi girl as he showed her around the Senate chambers.

"Why are there beds here? Are the people here homeless?" the girl asked.

Bush shrugged his shoulders. "I never know what the hell is going on here."

"We're going to stay up all night to make sure America retreats from Iraq!" Harry Reid declared.

"But what will happen to my family!" exclaimed the worried little girl.

Harry Reid knelt down to face her eye to eye and put his hand on her shoulder. "They'll most likely be killed in the ensuing genocide, but know that their deaths will not be in vain because our analysts thinks the genocide will be blamed on Bush and perhaps skyrocket the Democratic Congress's approval ratings all the way into the 20s."

Bush chuckled. "My approval rating is already in the 20s. You guys suck."

Reid stood up to face Bush. "We're going to show we're trying, and that will win over those guys on the internet!"

Bush grimaced. "The Kos Kids? You think their support will help you? Those goobers couldn't find their wieners with two hands and MapQuest turn by turn direction from their home to their wieners."

"Everyone uses GoogleMaps now," the Iraqi girl said.

"Yeah, but that won't give you directions to your wiener. I tried." Bush turned to Reid. "I have a lot of time on my hands lately."

"Excuse us, but we have to get our beds prepared for staying up all night." Reid walked away to watch an aide fluff his pillows.

"I don't understand," the Iraqi girl said. "If they're going to stay up all night, why do they need beds?"

"Because they're morons and nothing they do makes sense."

"I can't get to sleep," Carl Levin yelled, "Ted keeps farting!"

"Gerwarglerr!" Ted Kennedy replied.

"Jeeves, change my sheets!" Kerry called out. "I caught Byrd wearing them."

"Are they going to sleep already?" the Iraqi girl asked. "It's only six."

"We're old!" Reid answered.

Soon the Senate chambers were filled with snores. "Obviously, we have to do stuff to them while their sleeping," Bush said. "I say let's keep it simple and just quietly load them on a truck and dump them in the Potomac."

"I thought you were going to show me the dinosaurs."

"Bah, you don't want to see that. Anyway, I heard those fossil bones are just a Jewish conspiracy to make the earth look older than it is. Now help me hot wire a truck."

* * * *

Reid was awakened when he felt himself hit cold water. "Help me! Help me!" he screamed as he splashed about in the river. He was hit in the face with an elbow as Ted Kennedy swam past like a torpedo.

"Not again!" Kennedy shouted. He was soon to shore and running away without a single glance behind him. "I need to find my lawyer!"

Rating: 2.6/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (17) | In My World
NYTimes Just Hates Mankind and Human Happiness
Posted by Frank J. at 11:08 AM | Email This

The New York Times, which not alone openly cheers on the defeat of America but apparently also hates the joy of children, dishonestly obtained a copy of the new Harry Potter book and put out a review that contains spoilers (link to Hot Air explanation which contains no spoilers). This has already been condemned by J.K. Rowlings, and I assume a condemnation from the entire British government should soon follow.

Apparently, the review was very positive, but, then again, it was the Times.

UPDATE:

A blogger at VodkaPundit accidentally got his copy early from DeepDiscount.com and put it up on eBay. The story of the ensuing firestorm (including a call to his unlisted number from Scholastic) is here.

Rating: 1.5/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (13)
Happy Birthday SarahK!
Posted by Frank J. at 10:01 AM | Email This

Happy thoughts and wishes about the lovely and talented SarahK go in the comments.

Rating: 3.3/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (37)
Shocker: Fred Thompson Only 99.925% Pro-Life Before His Senate Career
Posted by Frank J. at 09:02 AM | Email This

Fred Thompson may not be as perfect as we all thought. While a 100% of his votes were pro-life during his Senate career, new billing records show that back in the early '90s Fred Thompson charged 19 hours of work over a fourteen months period to a group that support abortion. That equals about 2.7 minutes a day from 1991 to 1992 -- a full 0.075% of his time -- that Fred Thompson was demonstrably not fully pro-life.

Conservative will have to ask themselves whether they can vote for someone like Fred Thompson who, while 100% pro-life since at least 1994, was only 99.925% pro-life fifteen years ago? How will he compare to our other choices such as Rudy Giuliani (used to be 3% pro-life, now 5% pro-life), Mitt Romney (averages about 63% pro-life over his political career), and John McCain (pro-life percentage N/A due to death of campaign)?

More as this shocking news develops!

UPDATE:

Adding to this scandal, apparently Fred Thompson has been caught in a lie. He said he didn't remember lobby for such a group, but Fred Thompson has such perfect memory that he can remember the name of everyone he's ever met -- even if he's was never told their name. Are we then to believe he couldn't remember 19 hours of work from fifteen years ago?

Rating: 2.3/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (15)
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

Fred Thompson once wrote a poem that was three times as lovely as a tree.

[Wait... I think that one might actually be a John Edwards Fabulous Fact. -Ed.]

Rating: 3.1/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (11) | Fred Thompson Facts
July 18, 2007
Ronin Profiles: Writer
Posted by Frank J. at 06:25 PM | Email This
Writer
This is the new segment where we get to meet IMAO readers. Today, we're meeting Writer.

* * * *

What's the story behind your name?

I use the name Writer when commenting, because I am one.

Where do you live?

I live in Pearland, Texas, just south of Houston.

How old are you?

I will not discuss my age, but my son retires from the Army this month, I have a granddaughter in college, and two grandsons entering the military.

Tell us briefly about yourself.

I was a Military Brat, growing up all around the Pacific. Originally, I received Bachelor’s degree in Electronic Engineering Technology, later adding one in Geology, and continuing until I eventually received one in Professional Writing. I spent more than ten years in the U.S. Navy. A long-time electronics and computer technician, I eventually entered the field of Technical Writing, where I contract to different area firms, writing their Operation and Maintenance Manuals.

How long have you been reading IMAO?

My favorite web site is IMAO, and I was a regular reader for nearly two years before I ever considered commenting.

What's your favorite IMAO post?

My favorite IMAO post is about Nuking the Moon, appropriate if we are to rid ourselves of “…damned dirty apes…” , but I truly enjoyed “Superego”.

What's you favorite political issue?

My favorite Political Issue is the subject of “Earmarks”. Even when they pass legislation requiring the name of the Earmark Sponsor, they either leave a loophole or ignore their own bill. This is the biggest waste in Washington (besides Congress being paid to be assholes).

If you had a choice between a bag full of assorted rocks and ten dollars cash, which would you choose and why?

Given a choice between ten dollars and a bag of rocks, I would choose the rocks. You can learn so much from them, about the past and possible future. They reveal their secrets, of the cyclical nature of Climate change, the plants and animals that preceded us, and trends affecting the area where they were found. One can even see other shapes in rocks-similar to those seen in clouds.

* * * *

Thanks to Writer for participating. Everyone who said they want to participate in the previous post will still be considered for the future, but you can also comment here for consideration. Make sure to fill out the e-mail portion on the comment form (only I get to see that so don't worry about spam). Be patient, and eventually everyone will get his or her turn.

Be honorable, ronin.

Rating: 3.0/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (26) | Ronin Profiles
Truly Retarded Conservative
Posted by Frank J. at 05:31 PM | Email This

Sometimes I get this image of Andrew Sullivan sitting alone in a padded room screaming at the top of his lungs, "You can't lock me up! I'm the only true conservative left!"

One of these days I have to get to work on the Sane Andrew Sullivan Memorial. We should remember the good times.

Rating: 2.8/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (7)
Iraq's 18 Benchmarks Reviewed
Posted by Harvey at 05:02 PM | Email This

You may have heard about the "18 benchmarks" that are being used to judge progress in Iraq, and how only 8 of them have been met.

Here's the official scorecard:



Goal: Ensuring political groups do not undermine security forces
Unsatisfactory - Political authorities constantly replacing security forces' desktop icons with wallpaper showing screenshot of icons.

Goal: Reconciliation with former Baathists
Unsatisfactory - When choosing sides for company soccer games, Baathists still being chosen last.

Goal: Reducing the level of sectarian violence and eliminating militia control of local security
Unsatisfactory - Still a lot of fighting between those who believe Allah "tastes great" and those who believe he is "less filling".

Goal: Provide Iraqi commanders with authority to go after insurgents and militia, whether Sunni or Shia, without political intervention
Unsatisfactory - Although Shias are getting the Sunnis and Sunnis are getting the Shias, nobody is doing a damn thing about the mimes.

Goal: Increasing the number of Iraqi security forces units capable of operating independently
Unsatisfactory - Everyone just stands along the wall, staring at their feet, unless US soldiers start dragging people onto the dance floor.

Goal: Disarming militias
Too soon to judge - They're trying, but it's kinda hard when every Tom, Dick, and Mohammed has more weaponry than Keanu Reeves in the lobby scene.

Goal: Raising Iraqi brigades to support operations in Baghdad
Satisfactory - Although the only "combat experience" some brigades have is selling Burka Scout cookies.

Goal: Establishing joint US-Iraq security stations in neighbourhoods across Baghdad
Satisfactory - Thirty-six such stations have been fully established and 32 other Dunkin' Donuts shops are under construction.

Goal: Amnesty for insurgents
Too soon to judge - Still trying to settle debate on whether "amnesty" should mean "immunity from prosecution" or "a bullet to the head".

Goal: Election reform
Usatisfactory - Too many provinces are still relying on "butterfly ballots". 47 elected offices now officially held by Pat Buchanan.

Goal: Political support for Baghdad security plan
Satisfactory - The Iraqi government has appointed teams of scantily clad cheerleaders to root for both US and Iraqi soldiers.

Goal: To deny Baghdad as a safe haven for Al-Qaeda and insurgents regardless of religion
Satisfactory - Al-Qaeda cleared out. Still some minor canvassing by Jehovah's Witnesses.

Goal: Ensuring that the Iraqi security forces are providing even-handed enforcement of the law
Unsatisfactory - Women are still able to cry their way out of speeding tickets.

Goal: Fairly allocating and spending $10 billion in Iraqi revenues for reconstruction
Satisfactory - Every home in Iraq now has one of those wooden "Grandma bent over in the garden" things.

Goal: Introducing laws that would allow autonomous regions
Satisfactory - Iraqis are now permitted to build a treehouse and enforce a "no girls allowed" policy.

Goal: Constitutional review and reform
Satisfactory - Recent amendment provided for binding dispute-resolution between Baghdad and regional authorities via Rock-Paper-Scissors.

Goal: Protect minority political rights in the Iraqi legislature
Satisfactory - Iraqi legislature now rates a solid "9" on the "Tiger Woods Family Reunion Diversity Scale".

Goal: Passing an oil law
Unsatisfactory - There is no oil left in Iraq to distribute, since it's all been stolen by Bush, Halliburton, and JOOOOOS!



I think we'll do fine, eventually, as long as the donuts hold out.

Rating: 2.8/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (5)
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
Posted by Harvey at 03:10 PM | Email This

During a debate, you will never see John Edwards pound the podium to emphasize a point lest he break a nail.

Rating: 2.4/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (8) | John Edwards Fabulous Facts
IMAO Condensed: Iraq War
Posted by Frank J. at 02:10 PM | Email This

Rating: 2.2/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (15) | IMAO Condensed
Humor Tips
Posted by Frank J. at 12:55 PM | Email This

Is a joke not as funny as you hoped? Try adding a duck.

When selecting an animal to use to increase the humor quotient, most people turn to the monkey, but the duck is actually the more traditional animal choice of humorists. With its silly flat beak and its odd "quack" sound, it's as if the animal exists for no other reason than our constant derision.

Rating: 2.5/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (28)
Nostalgia for the '90s
Posted by Frank J. at 11:57 AM | Email This

Apparently there are rumors that Bill Clinton has been seeing prostitutes in Las Vegas. There's nothing substantial to back that up, but how surprising would that be? Given his past history, what are the Vegas odds that Clinton has been faithful to his wife these past couple years while she's been busy in D.C.? 10,000 to 1?

Better odds are betting on whether he eventually dies of a venereal disease or a drug overdose.

Hmm. Can you overdose on Viagra?

Rating: 3.0/5 (1 vote cast)

Comments (11)
What Ever Happened to Just Legislating?
Posted by Frank J. at 10:45 AM | Email This

Since the Democrat's Senate sleepover stunt didn't achieve anything towards losing the war, the Senate Democrats have some new plans:

IDEAS FOR SENATE DEMOCRAT STUNTS TO LOSE IN IRAQ

* Holding their breaths until we retreat from Iraq.

* Drinking the problem away (Kennedy's idea).

* Fasting until we flee from Iraq (with only three one-hour breaks from the fast per day).

* Charity car wash to raise money to support more whining about the war.

* Harry Reid will jump seven buses on a motorcycle to end the war (he'll chicken out; he always does).

* Light a cross on the White House lawn (Byrd's idea).

* A well choreographed dance number expressing their desire for retreat in Iraq (Edwards's idea).

Rating: 0.5/5 (1 vote cast)

Comments (13)
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 09:02 AM | Email This

How much do Democrats want America to lose in Iraq?

Read More...


Rating: 2.9/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (9) | Fun Trivia
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 09:02 AM | Email This

What's my response to the Democrats' stunt to stay up all night to try and force troops out of Iraq?

Read More...


Rating: 2.8/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (4) | Fun Trivia
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

Every day, Fred Thompson beats up eight times his weight in hippies.

Rating: 2.4/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (16) | Fred Thompson Facts
July 17, 2007
Let's Meet IMAO Readers
Posted by Frank J. at 08:14 PM | Email This
Who are you freaks?
I really appreciate all my readers and especially those of you who comment, but I realize I don't show it enough. Also, I don't know much about you all -- you could all be freaks for all I know. Most of you probably are.

So let's meet you!

I'd to pick one of you at a time to e-mail a couple quick questions -- nothing too personal -- and then I'll post your answers in its own post.

Who wants to be the first to try it? If you want to participate, comment on this post and make sure to fill out the e-mail box on the comment form (only I get to see the e-mail address, so you don't have to worry about spam).

Be honorable, ronin.

Rating: 3.3/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (135) | Ronin Profiles
lolterizt! Part 7
Posted by Harvey at 05:03 PM | Email This

Once again, pass 'em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don't be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

ghostbusters.jpg

koran 2 big.jpg

loopholz.jpg

paris.jpg

teapot.jpg

welease bwian.jpg
Reference link for that last one



Reader submissions:

From Trinity:
lolteriztfail.jpg

From FormerHostage:
warranty.JPG

From Tyrant Rex:
PicnicBlanket.jpg

From Beth of MY Vast Right Wing Conspiracy
ragetub.JPG

Two from Erik Wit:
mecca.JPG

launcher.JPG



PRODUCTION NOTE: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

Send your submissions to lolterizt-at-gmail.com and - if they aren't obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don't suck too terribly bad - I'll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

Rating: 2.4/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (7) | lolterizt
Are Stab Wounds Harmful to Human Health? How Do You Test It?
Posted by Frank J. at 04:20 PM | Email This

This is the sort of scientific work I do in my spare time:


Study: Multiple Stab Wounds May Be Harmful To Monkeys

(hat tip to Sithmonkey)

Rating: 3.7/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (4)
Super Happy Fun IMAO Prize Package Number One Winner
Posted by Frank J. at 03:43 PM | Email This

The winner of the Super Happy Fun IMAO Prize Package Number One is...

Read More...


Rating: 3.7/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (7)
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
Posted by Harvey at 03:09 PM | Email This

John Edwards is hung like a horse... fly.

Rating: 2.0/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (12) | John Edwards Fabulous Facts
Liberal Fascism
Posted by Frank J. at 01:40 PM | Email This

Jonah Goldberg has finally finished his book -- giving hope to procrastinators everywhere that one day they too can finish something -- and thus the G-File has returned.

Since the book is about Liberal fascism (and I assume I'll be getting a free copy in the mail), I'll ask you what is your most hated example of liberal fascism?

I hate their petulant stares. Their fascist, petulant stares and the drool that that slowly forms at the corner of their mouths when they engage in such stares.

What do you think?

Rating: 3.0/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (22)
Attacks Against Fred Thompson
Posted by Frank J. at 11:47 AM | Email This
People who attack Fred Thompson all share one thing: They all end up severely mangled.
As it looks more and more likely that Fred Thompson is going to be the man to beat, attacks against him our mounting. I've compiled a list of attacks people are currently using against Fred Thompson and my responses to them.

ATTACKS AGAINST FRED THOMPSON

* He's Lazy

The Attack: It took God six days to create the world and He didn't rest until the seventh day, but Fred Thompson took fifteen days to make the planet Korlon 6 which included three separate days of rest.

This is a stupid attack. Fred Thompson works on his own timetable and not some artificial one someone set by someone else. Everyone will attest that Korlon 6 is an excellent planet and hugely benefited from the extra time Fred Thompson spent on it.

* He Just an Actor

The Attack: People only like Fred Thompson because he seems so great in his roles on TV.

Fred Thompson seems so great on TV because he is so great. Bills passed by Fred Thompson in TV shows and movies have been held up by the Supreme Court to be legally binding to the real world. Why? Because he's Fred Thompson.

* He's a Lobbyist

The Attack: Fred Thompson is just a lobbyist for special interest.

He's not just any lobbyist. He once lobbied on behalf of male figure skaters for two hours and no one in the nation every said anything disparaging about them for an entire year. Don't we want him lobbying on all our behalf's?

* He'll Dwarf the Accomplishments of Mortal Man

The Attack: Fred Thompson is so awesome, that everything regular man achieves will seem insignificant in comparison.

This is the same argument Lex Luthor uses against Superman, and it is compelling. Maybe it is man who will become lazy knowing that they have Fred Thompson to look out for them. But Fred Thompson is wise and knows not to solve all the problems of the world so as to leave us all some things to achieve.

* He May Provoke an Alien Attack

The Attack: While all nations on earth will become deathly afraid of the U.S. should Fred Thompson be placed in charge, alien worlds may take it as a provocation that we plan to conquer them and then preemptively attack us.

This is true. We do plan to conquer them led by Fred Thompson, and there is nothing they can do to stop us.

Rating: 3.0/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (14)
By Merlins Beard!
Posted by Frank J. at 11:04 AM | Email This

Apparently some git has posted a scan of the final chapter of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows online. I was already planning to go dark on Saturday to avoid potential spoilers (I have a special edition of Harry Potter themed Fred Thompson facts in the can for that day), but now I'll have to be careful the rest of the week.

Anyone who puts spoilers on IMAO will get a lifetime ban and be hated for all eternity. If you read the Potter books, you'd understand.

Rating: 0.5/5 (1 vote cast)

Comments (14)
Michael Moore in "A Growing Problem"
Posted by Frank J. at 10:03 AM | Email This

Rating: 2.2/5 (23 votes cast)

Comments (10) | Frank the Artist
If It Weren't for Hitler, Who Would We Compare People Who Disagree with Us To?
Posted by Frank J. at 09:00 AM | Email This

Rep. Keith "He's a Muslim!" Ellison has made the news for comparing President Bush to Hitler, but you have to be careful with that. Know who was fond of comparing people to Hitler?

Hitler, that's who.

Anytime Hitler wanted to defame someone, he'd point to the guy and say, "You know, he's a lot like me!"

It was over the top then, and it's over the top now.

Rating: 3.0/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (9)
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

If Fred Thompson watches paint dry, it makes itself entertaining.

Rating: 1.3/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (6) | Fred Thompson Facts
July 16, 2007
Start Your Own Gun Free Zone
Posted by Frank J. at 11:07 PM | Email This

From last night's 1/2 Hour News Hour:

Now that's a way to humorously hit a political point home.

My DVR seems to have skipped the 1/2 Hour News Hour for a couple weeks, but it looks like it actually is getting pretty enjoyable.

Rating: 2.5/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (11)
The Roundup: Monday July 16th
Posted by RightWingDuck at 07:50 PM | Email This

Welcome to IMAO, the site that entertains but also teaches you stuff you probably didn’t know. In fact, our site is even more important now that the schools in England are going to stop teaching things like history. This is good since England has always been our biggest competitor.

Check out this link. Schools will be de-emphasizing people like Winston Churchill and Martin Luther King in order to emphasize current issues, like global warming and nutrition.

This will give people some important context:

Teacher: Nigel, what is the difference between Martin Luther King and Global Warming?

Nigel: As far as I know, MLK never gave a global concert to raise awareness for anything.

Teacher: As far as I know – That’s TRUE! Brilliant ,dear lad.

Bye Bye, History.

**

When it comes to global warming, this guy didn’t perform at a concert, but deserves a mention.

This British Olympic swimmer, Lewis Gordon Pugh, decided to go for a 1 kilometer swim. (I believe a kilometer is 2.2 pounds.) Anyway, this guy jumps into the water of the North Pole, at 28 degrees Fahrenheit, showing his love and concern for the environment and highlighting the issue of global warming.

I’d have to check my records, but I believe that this feat was not even done by Winston Churchill himself.

This swimmer really cares. At the press conference you could see the lumps in his throat. Or those could have been his testicles.

28 Degrees!


Sorry, I didn’t mean to be so graphic.

Are you craving Chinese food. Many people are dying for it.

Did I say for?

I meant FROM.

Anyway, with all of the latest incidents of food poisoning from Chinese food products, China has taken important action: They’ve put a ban on food from seven American meat importers.

This doesn’t seem to be fair. So there might be a case of salmonella among some of that chicken; does it matter? I mean, the Chinese eat rats!

Check this out and then say, bye bye lunch.

In China, a flooded lake has caused many rats to flee and get caught. What happens to these rats, they end up being sold for food. Yup, that’s the truth!

That’s okay you have to understand Chinese culture.

For example, in China, nothing’s worse than cooking up rats in your restaurant and having the food inspector come in and bust you with American chickens. Those things are gross.


Question: Do people complain about the rat?

Customer: I do not like the taste of this rat!

Waiter: But sir, what is wrong?

Customer: This rat tastes just like chicken!


Weird, I didn’t know Ratatouille was a Chinese dish.

Technically, he isn't.

Unless he gets caught.


Read More...


Rating: 3.8/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (10)
New Jersey Petition Proposes Toy Cigar Ban for Politicians
Posted by Harvey at 06:50 PM | Email This

TRENTON (AP) - After a New Jersey senator proposed a bill making it illegal to give or sell a toy gun to a minor, New Jersey citizens began circulating a petition to ban the ownership of realistic-looking toy cigars by politicians.

"The margin between a politician's stupid mistake and a tragic ending is far too thin," said Scott Bach, who's spearheading the petition drive, "only 22 votes in the Senate, as I recall."

Just too darn dangerous for politicians!

Bach started the petition in late June and hopes to pressure the New Jersey legislature to pass a law this fall. He said the movement stems from an incident in Washington, D.C., where a highly-placed elected federal official was impeached after playing "hide the Cohiba" with an intern.

"A politician once used a real cigar to precipitate a constitutional crisis that very nearly brought this country to its knees - the part that wasn't already in that position, I mean," said Bach.

"We need to stress to our politicians that cigars are not sex toys, but an adult recreational indulgence which should always be enjoyed with extreme caution and handled without lascivious intent," Bach said. "Restricting access to imitation cigars will help drive that point home."

Adultery rights advocates in the legislature plan to fight.

"It misses the mark because it demonizes toys instead of criminal behavior," said Senator Nicholas Scutari, who serves as chairman of the New Jersey Association of Dirty Old Elected Men (DO 'EM).

If the measure is enacted, New Jersey would join several other states that have restricted access to realistic toy cigars for politicians.

New York, for instance, got Wal-Mart in 2003 to stop selling toy cigars not imprinted with the words "for external use only". The retailer has also agreed to stop selling toy cigars in skin-toned colors such as black, tan, and peach and paid $200,000 in civil penalties.

Bach's proposal would make it illegal to sell or give to any elected official an imitation cigar, which is defined as anything "reasonably capable of diddling a chubby intern."

Bach said the move would help police and independent counsels figure out whether a cigar is either fake or real, but Scutari said it would be an intrusion upon cheap plastic novelty retailers and consenting adults.

"This bill seeks to intimidate retailers of even crappy carnival consolation prize-like items rather than to address the bad acts of politicians who use imitation cigars in furtherance of sexual adventure," Scutari said. "An intern who gives a politician a toy cigar would be guilty under this legislation."

"Sometimes a toy cigar," said Scutari, "is just a toy cigar, even if it DOES make a great marital aid."

Rating: 2.1/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (1) | Newsish Fakery
Defeating Superman
Posted by Aquaman at 05:03 PM | Email This

Superman is a sissy.Well, the execs at DC have pretty much killed Aquaman.

If you've been reading the Aquaman comic (and judging by the sales numbers, you haven't), you'd know my character, Orin, was actually killed off in issue #50 and replaced by some teenage wannabe. Also, the new artists looks like he'd be more at home drawing episodes of the Smurfs (and what's with making Aquafake's eyes all black; is he part gerbil?). Thus, in an act of mercy killing, it looks like issue #57 will be the last of this Aquaman series.

That means it's time to plan a comeback!

Obviously, they need to get rid of the phony new Aquaman and return me to center stage. It's never a big deal to return a comic book character back to life, and I'm sure DC has a drawer full of scenarios to use. Next, we need some big event to make me popular again.

I think I should beat up Superman.

I'm not sure why I would fight Superman -- that's for the writers to figure out -- I just know it would be a great story (also, it worked really well for Batman in The Dark Knight Returns back in the '80s). Now, the challenge is for the beat Superman without kryptonite (any idiot can clunk him over the head with a chunk of green rock; I should be able to beat him with my powers alone).

Here's my plan:

So, Superman has been ordered to bring me down (why, again, is up to the writers to figure out), and, me obviously being too big a threat for the rest of a Justice League, Superman starts to chase me down. Only thing is, even he's not faster than me in the water (at least, he shouldn't be). So I keep swimming away while commanding fish and whales to keep getting in Superman's way. After a long chase, though, he corners me. So there Superman is in all his arrogant glory saying, "Don't make me hurt you, Arthur."

And then I smile. Because now I have him.

WHAM!

I send him flying back with a huge punch. I knock his arrogance right out of him and replace it with fear. Because, all this time he's been chasing me, I've been leading him deeper and deeper and it was getting darker and darker until, from lack of exposure to the yellow sun, his strength starts to wane.

But I'm right in my element.

BAM! BIFF! POW!

I beat the crap out of him. And because I'm a nice guy, I bring the unconscious Superman back to the surface with a note pinned to his cape: "Don't EVER come after me in MY ocean!"

...Wait, how am going to write a note underwater? Well, there are a few kinks to work out, but I think it's an awesome plan. Write DC Comics and tell them you want Aquaman -- the real Aquaman -- to fight Superman and that you'll buy ten copies each of it.

Rating: 3.3/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (12) | Aqua-Adventures
I Get E-mails
Posted by Frank J. at 04:06 PM | Email This

I got an e-mail today!

Hi Frank J..

I gave you money.

I am also giving you an idea:

Since the support for the Congress is lower than the support for the war, then shouldn't we declare the Congress a failure and demand an immediate withdrawal from Capitol Hill?

Thanks for writing.

Best Regards,
Laurie

Man, I didn't think people who gave me money would then expect me to actually answer e-mails.

Anyway, I don't recommend a withdrawal from Capitol Hill. Instead, I support a complete regime change.

Thanks for the letter!

Rating: 2.8/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (3)
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
Posted by Harvey at 03:02 PM | Email This

John Edwards never uses the missionary position because he hates being on the bottom.

Rating: 3.0/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (9) | John Edwards Fabulous Facts
IMAO Blogroll
Posted by Frank J. at 02:43 PM | Email This

The new blogroll is on the left sidebar!

Everyone is supposed to have a blogroll, but they take so much thought. Do I include everybody and make it huge and unwieldy, or do I keep it small and exclusive and make people feel slighted to not be on it? Anyway, I went with blogs I read all the time plus blogs I think I should read more but sometimes forget about. If you are on the blogroll, you should have gotten a congratulatory e-mail. If you are not on the blogroll, you should get an e-mail telling you that you are a failure with an attachment illustrating how best to kill yourself.

Rating: 4.2/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (19)
IMAO Condensed: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
Posted by Frank J. at 01:51 PM | Email This

Rating: 3.2/5 (29 votes cast)

Comments (4) | IMAO Condensed
Yay! Camp!
Posted by Frank J. at 12:53 PM | Email This

As the Bush Administration nears the end of its natural term, I can only assume they're currently preparing to round up the Kwazy Kos Kids into camps the day President Bush announces his refusal to leave office. What activities should they have at the camp? Here's some of my ideas:

* Canoing
* Wallet making
* Nature hikes
* Sing-a-longs
* Electrocution

What do you think?

Rating: 3.1/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (25)
There's Nothing as Dangerous as a Man with Nothing to Lose
Posted by Frank J. at 11:35 AM | Email This

There's some indication that President Bush may be gearing up to attack Iran since he doesn't think any of his successors will handle it. It could just be a wild rumor, but I think it's a cool idea. It's time President Bush focuses on the one thing he has going for him: His approval ratings are so low he can essentially ignore the public's opinion. That's true freedom, and he might as well run with it.

FRANK IDEAS FOR PRESIDENT BUSH NOW THAT HE NO LONGER HAS TO WORRY ABOUT PUBLIC OPINION

* Next time Congress doesn't pass a bill he wants, burn down the Capitol.

* Doesn't like a country's attitude? Beat up their ambassador and ship him back to his country in a nailed shut wooden crate.

* Plan and execute an elaborate casino heist.

* Scalp John Edwards.

* Like Disney World, every day at the White House ends with fireworks.

* Announce that, after careful consideration, you've ordered air strikes on Latveria. Sit back and watch the confusion.

* By executive order, all restaurants, convenience stores, and school cafeterias must serve nachos.

* Move Department of Defense resources to building a real-life transformer. Demand it makes "that sound" when it transforms.

* Randomly announce a day to be the holiday "Bush Day." Demand that for the day all TV stations must play Red Dawn in a continuous loop.

* Invite journalists to check out the conditions at Gitmo and then lock them inside as prisoners.

* Give the national anthem a techno beat.

* Start a new war. When the press demands comments, have Tony Snow tell them that you're "too busy eating pie."

Rating: 2.0/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (9)
Today's Poll
Posted by Frank J. at 10:42 AM | Email This

Because IMAO cares what you think.

Rating: 2.8/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (7)
"I Would Love To Share Some Brownie"
Posted by Frank J. at 10:13 AM | Email This

Michael Moore's interview on CNN.

The stunned silences make the piece.

(hat tip Hot Air)

Rating: 1.5/5 (1 vote cast)

Comments (3)
Attention Whore with Crayons
Posted by Frank J. at 09:03 AM | Email This

Apparently, Ted Rall has caused new stir with a comic comparing dedicated American soldiers to suicide bombers.

Yawn.

He used to be a big target to bat around, but I hadn't heard anything about Rall in a while. His ideas are as retarded as his drawing skills, but I don't see how this particular comic is any more offensive than anything he's previously done. I doubt his syndicatior is going to care about this if they kept him around this long. I'm fine going to back to not ever hearing about him again as has happened for at least the past year or two. If he really wants some attention, he needs to top his previous idiocy which he could probably only do by actually calling for the murder of troops.

Which I'm sure will happen if he ever has another book coming out.

Rating: 5.0/5 (1 vote cast)

Comments (2)
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

Fred Thompson always keeps his eyes on his enemies... even when he sneezes.

Rating: 2.4/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (5) | Fred Thompson Facts
July 15, 2007
Announcement of Announcements Coming!
Posted by Frank J. at 05:27 PM | Email This

The winner for the Super Happy Fun IMAO Prize Package Number One will be announced tomorrow. Also, I forgot all about the blogroll so that will also go up tomorrow.

Be honorable, ronin.

Rating: 2.1/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (6)
Looks Like We're Not the Only Ones Baiting the Ronulans
Posted by Harvey at 05:09 PM | Email This

Being Five takes a shot, too.

Rating: 3.3/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (4)
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
Posted by Harvey at 02:57 PM | Email This

You can always count on John Edwards for sympathy and advice if you have that "not so fresh" feeling.

Rating: 2.6/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (8) | John Edwards Fabulous Facts
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 10:04 AM | Email This

Fred Thompson's sheer willpower is so strong it can microwave a burrito.

Rating: 1.8/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (12) | Fred Thompson Facts
July 14, 2007
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
Posted by Harvey at 03:03 PM | Email This

John Edwards was kicked off "The Price is Right" for screaming at the merchandise models, "That's not how to gesture towards a prize! Do it like THIS, you graceless cow!".

Rating: 2.0/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (11) | John Edwards Fabulous Facts
Saturday Question
Posted by Frank J. at 11:27 AM | Email This

What would you say is your favorite intangible concept? I say perspicacity, but I'd also say fire if that counted.

What do you think?

Rating: 1.0/5 (1 vote cast)

Comments (40)
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

Fred Thompson has never had to discipline his dogs. If they ever feel they have disappointed their master, they commit seppuku.

Rating: 1.7/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (11) | Fred Thompson Facts
July 13, 2007
All I Know About Scientists Is That I'm Pretty Sure Al Gore Isn't One
Posted by Frank J. at 10:28 PM | Email This

Sorry, busy most of the day (that Dolores Umbridge is so mean!), but I saw a link from Wonkette and have to disagree with the statement made in reference to me. My guess is that most of the significant discoveries in science came while someone (and not necessarily someone with significant training in a field) was letting the dog do its business or some other menial activity where the mind tends to wander. It's not like scientists all have their science room where they think their science thoughts. Sure, they have their labs to later try and prove things out, but epiphanies do not come from a linear process of doing lab work.

Then again, I'm an engineer. It's all a bunch unproven BS to me until I can build something out of it. I really don't see why Stephen Hawking is so famous for debating with himself whether a black hole does or does not destroy information; it's not like any of that is going to lead to a better iPhone.

Rating: 3.0/5 (1 vote cast)

Comments (20)
The Roundup: Friday, July 13th.
Posted by RightWingDuck at 06:32 PM | Email This

Remember, even though it's Friday the 13th, you don't have to be unlucky!

If you're lucky you might even win prizes!


What’s your prize? Well, if you’re like this kid, you might get a Viagra Bear. Really! This kid is playing the Claw Machine and a Red Robin’s Restaurant and out comes a teddy bear with a little Viagra T-shirt.

They didn’t realize it was a Viagra bear, at first they thought it had a gun in its pocket.

Anyway, the parents complained and now the chain has pull removed the bears from their claw machines.


Satisfied with this action, the parents were able to exchange this prize for a better stuffie - – the Valtrex Hamster.


**

David Beckham arrived in Los Angeles and is ready to play for the Galaxy.

Galaxy: That’s a soccer team.

Soccer: That’s a grown-up sport, or so I’m told at all my kid’s soccer games.

Anyway, it’s amazing. Crowds follow them everywhere they go. Crowds at dinner, while shopping, crowds while walking down the street. They are being smothered. It’s unbelievable.

David is overwhelmed; he can’t wait to get to the one place in America without crowds: Soccer Stadiums.

Some are hoping that he can save soccer and make it as big here as it is overseas. Personally, I have nothing against soccer but see it more as a kid sport.

I think if he can make it work, we should expand this to other ideas:

How about Adult T-Ball?

Locals aren’t used to all this soccer talk.

All around Hollywood, people are asking the ever important question: What exactly is the credit limit on that red card?

At a welcome rally, the Mayor introduced Beckham. David got cheers, the mayor got booed.

The Mayor booed? As you know, Mayor Villaraigosa was in a relationship with another woman, a TV reporter, while married.

You have sex with another woman while married people suspect you of being the ultimate evil: Republican.

(Republicans are always caught in sex scandals and they pay for it)

Mayor really wants to tell his side of the story. He’s hoping some other reporter will pump him for information.

**

Michelle Malkin has a great bit on a new offering. There's a chain of stores in Dallas called Value Giant. They accept Visa, Mastercard, and the Mexican Peso!

Value Giant will have three checkout lanes: Regular, 10 Items or Less, and Someone Trying To Figure Out How To Make Change.


People are screaming that his country is turning into little Mexico or New Mexico or something.

Relax, it’s just Value Giants’ way of reaching out to different communities.

This isn’t the only foreign currency they accept.

Of example, if you’re a recently released prisoner, you may also pay for your purchase with cigarettes.


I don’t know what the big deal is: I mean, tourist towns always accept foreign currency. Except that tourists at some point – you know – leave.

**

In the world of Commentary, WND has a great article from Tom Tancredo.
Remember when he said that Miami was becoming like a third world country?
He says he would still say it again.

I like a man who stand by his beliefs.

I disagree with Mr. Tancredo. Miami has some of the nicest people, who live in some of the finest homes, many made out of the finest cardboard.


Say what you want about Miami, at least their purchases are paid for in hard American dollars. Or drugs, depending on which side of the transaction you’re on.

**

Here’s a cool story about a lady who runs a water bar. That’s right, she sells gourmet water. Try this one - how about paying $55 for a bottle of water?


I remember when people would laugh and say that that Evian was Naïve spelled backwards. Now people are paying $55 a pop!

The cool thing is that you could be sitting in the store and here that funny famous line: Would you like to smell the bottle cap?


On the plus sides, they have flavors from all over the world.

Try the newest flavor -ffopir


I hope it’s an honest business, I would hate to think they’re taking their water and alcoholing it up.


If you have $100 you can try their top of the line gourmet brand: Yzarc nikcuf ur


I wonder – could I pay in pesos?

**

Did you enjoy today’s roundup? IMAO is like a big soft cuddly Viagra Bear.

Yes,

We’re always happy to see you.

Rating: 2.3/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (13)
President Killed Non-Violently; Wished Into Cornfield
Posted by Harvey at 05:04 PM | Email This

DALLAS (AP) - In a keynote speech at the International Women's Peace Conference, Nobel Peace Prize recipient Betty Williams told the crowd of 1000 people, "Right now, I could kill George Bush...[applause]... No, I don't mean that. How could you nonviolently kill somebody? I would love to be able to do that."

President Bush, shortly after being non-violently killed by peace activist.

Through some unknown means - possibly a combination of vigorous applause and fairy dust - Williams's wish was apparently granted, as the President died through non-violent means shortly afterwards. Specifically, by being turned into some sort of spring-loaded children's toy.

When informed of this, Williams appeared embarrassed and quickly wished the late president into a cornfield near Peaksville, Ohio. The audience appeared to approve of her decision, as many of them were heard to say "It's GOOD that Betty killed the president", "Yes, it's a REAL good thing that Betty did", and "Oh GOD! Please don't kill us, Betty!"

Ms. Williams appeared to recover rapidly, though, testing out her newfound powers by non-Constitutionally impeaching Vice President Dick Cheney. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi was immediately sworn in as president, with her hand, non-believably, failing to burst into flame when she placed it on the Bible to take her oath of office.

Visibly drunk with power, Williams proceeded to non-thievingly rob a bank, non-fatteningly eat 3000 Twinkies, and non-sexual-relationally 'Lewinsky' Bill Clinton.

She concluded her speech by saying "now that I've fulfilled my every wish on Earth, I will non-rocketly fly to the moon," which she did to a standing ovation from the delighted crowd.

The moon itself was, non-surprisingly, nuked shortly afterwards by blogging tycoon Frank J. of IMAO, who had been non-sanely threatening to do so for some time.

Rating: 2.5/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (10) | Newsish Fakery
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
Posted by Harvey at 03:09 PM | Email This

The phrase "useful as a screen door on a submarine" will eventually be replaced by "useful as John Edwards in a presidential race".

Bonus fact from reader Matt:
You know that antiperspirant that's strong enough for a man but pH balanced for a woman? It gave John Edwards second degree burns.

Bonus fact from reader Chris:
John Edwards gets erotic nightmares about Nintendo's Kirby.

Two bonus facts from reader Silicon Valley Jim:
The inventor of the My Little Pony toys got the idea after seeing John Edwards in a courtroom.

The $1,250 bill isn't just for John Edwards's haircut. It also includes his Brazilian wax.

Rating: 1.5/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (3) | John Edwards Fabulous Facts
Leadership
Posted by Frank J. at 11:56 AM | Email This

Ever think about how we could easily obliterate any country in the Middle East and they could do absolutely nothing to stop it? If it were the other way around, and America's existence rested on the goodwill of Islamic governments, what chance do you think we'd have?

It seems strange we have such power backed up by the world's greatest military and yet we have trouble convincing countries such as Iran to at least not actively work towards killing our people. That's because as soon as we commit militarily, a good portion of the country starts questioning everything. Some think it's a mark of our civility, but that seems to be making a virtue of spinelessness. If we don't even have the moral courage to know our right to defend ourselves as a country, how can anyone take us seriously? It doesn't matter how skillful and committed our military is; the enemy just has to target the weakest link -- the average American's will to see through the mess of war -- and they win.

What can make us serious again? Another huge attack against us, but it shouldn't have to take that. Also, the longer it takes for us to strike back, the worse it will be for everyone -- us and the enemy -- when we're finally dragged kicking and screaming to do something.

That's where a leader is supposed to come in. Everyone is eventually going to lose focus in a large conflict and not prioritize correctly, and the job of a leader is to keep pushing us back to focusing on what's important. The whines of the spineless can be loud, but a good leader should easily be able to speak over them easily and distinguish himself from the noise.

Leadership is the most important quality we need in a president right now. We will strike back when struck again, but that's reacting, not leading. A leader will give us the courage to take on our enemies now before more lives our lost. Are any of the presidential candidates prepared to be that leader? Because, if not, eventually a lot of people are going to die.

Rating: 3.2/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (31)
Last Chance
Posted by Frank J. at 10:54 AM | Email This

It's your last chance to participate in the IMAO fundraiser and be entered to win the Super Happy Fun IMAO Prize Package Number One. Also, you get to support Frank J. (me!) towards being a full-time blogger, and is there a better cause than that? (Answer: No)

Thanks to everyone who has donated already; you're awesome! Now stay tuned for five more years of IMAO funny.

Be honorable, ronin.

Rating: 1.8/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (6)
I Think the Dog Did Pee... I Don't Quite Remember That
Posted by Frank J. at 09:02 AM | Email This

I was taking the dog out last night and I started thinking about how predictions of environmental doomsday is little more than soothsaying despite whatever science is behind because we don't even know all the possible factors that characterize the climate right now and thus its pure folly to try and predict from that incomplete knowledge what the climate will be like years from now. I know they have computer models, but it's like how the world is modeled in a first person shooter game. You person walks onto a beach and footprints will appear in the sand, but there's just images of a footprint placed on images of sand which is good enough for the game but not completely accurate. To be more accurate, each individual grain of sand would have to be modeled against the pressure of the ridges of the bottom of the boot leaving the impression. But, even if you accurately modeled each individual grain of sand, it's still not a completely accurate model of real sand because real sand also has the gravitational effects of absolutely everything in this universe that has any mass.

Wait; is that true? Because some galaxies are red-shifting near the speed of light in relation to us; does there gravity still affect us? Does the speed of the bodies have any effect on gravity, because what is the speed of gravity?

Holy crap... what is the speed of gravity?

In all my years of reading bits and pieces of scientific articles, I don't recall the propagation speed of gravity coming up. Like, I know that, if the sun suddenly disappeared, it would take about eight minutes for us to see the light go out, but how long would it take for the gravitational change on the earth's orbit to take effect? My first guess would be it would take the same amount of time as light, but there's no reason gravity would move at the speed of light since it has no direct relation to a light wave (that I know of). Then again, the only other answer that made sense would be that the gravity propagates instantaneously, but then that would mean you could somehow twiddle with the gravity of something lightyears away and then someone here on earth could use some sort of gravity measurement device to read those changes and convert it to data thus allowing superluminal communication -- which I'm pretty sure breaks a law of some sort (a scientific one; not an important one).

Anyway, when I got to my computer, I had to look all that up right away. I googled "speed of gravity," but what I found only confused me all the more. Apparently, scientists think it could be both infinite and limited by the speed of light at the same time (that's relativity for you), though some measurements have shown it slower and some faster than light, and, somewhat recently, some scientists think they measured it to be exactly the speed of light, though many are disputing it.

So they don't know. Is it ever disturbing to you that the science in science fiction often makes more sense than real science? Scientists could just be making all this stuff up (poorly) for all we know. I wouldn't be that surprised if one day scientists realize that the earth has been sitting on a giant turtle all this time, and all their theories about waves and particles are actually explained by movements of the turtle. And then they'll all be like, "Wow. We sure wasted our time. And how did we miss seeing that giant turtle? Well, in the future, now we know that, before trying to prove things by measuring fluctuations in pulsars, first look for a turtle."

That isn't that probable, but, then again, it is just as probable as whatever actually is... which itself is so improbable that any reasonable man would have to dismiss the possibility of it.

Rating: 5.0/5 (1 vote cast)

Comments (35)
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

Fred Thompson has exactly the right amount of cowbell.

Rating: 2.1/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (19) | Fred Thompson Facts
July 12, 2007
The Roundup- Thursday July 12
Posted by RightWingDuck at 07:59 PM | Email This

Disclaimer: Okay, these suck alright? But if I don't this on a regular basis, I'll never get back to my old pristine mediocrity. So just put up with the groans for now. K?

The Roundup!

It’s always good to start a humor roundup with nudity.

Unfortunately, Miss New Jersey has left us disappointed. That’s right, Miss New Jersey today showed the world the “racy” photos that were being used to extort her out of her crown.

She was fully clothed and in weird poses. Pageant officials have let her keep her crown and asked that she call them back when she can "loosen up a little."

The blackmailer really got outwitted. He never stood a chance.

Does anyone remember what she did for the talent portion of Miss New Jersey?

That's right: Racketeering.

She burned him good.

**

Speaking of getting burned…

You know what’s embarrassing? When there’s a sting put on where people create fake identities and they are able to buy nuclear material from the Nuclear Regulatory Commission.

The government vows that the next time they sell nuclear material, they will take a closer look at the buyers feedback rating. Or their MySpace page.

I’m glad that’s over.

After the conference, the agents handed the acquired materials to a professional disposing agency that pulled up in a Ryder truck.


**

British Police are getting head cams

I’m not making this up. They’re going to wear little cameras on the side of their heads and be able to film all of their actions. Authorities hope this will increase in the process of providing evidence for trials.

Their new video equipment can store 400 hours of video.

Or 30,000 songs.


This can change the way people view police officers.

Before: Hey, do you think that policeman violated my rights?



After: Hey, do you think that policeman made me look fat?

You know what’s weird?

Talking to the cops in England will be like talking to that one friend with the lazy eye. You’re never quite sure which way you should be looking.

So if you’re traveling through England this summer watch out when you see when of these guys. You know you’re in trouble when a police officer asks you to stand next to that other police officer; The one wearing the shirt with horizontal stripes marking how tall someone is.

That's the difference between America and England. In England, you hear Head Cam and think "police officer'. In America you hear Head Cam and think 'President Clinton.'

**

The new Harry Potter film is out already and doing great. $44 million dollars so far.

I got an email from somebody asking me if they saw me getting into that long line early this morning. Heck no! I’m not one of the geeks who have no life! I was in the wrong line, OKAY!?

I thought I was waiting for an iPhone.

So the Potter franchise continues to crank out the revenue.

**

On the other end of the spectrum, the New York Times is facing some financial difficulty.

They have had their bond rating lowered yet again. Right now, their bond rating is one step above junk level.

It's funny if you think about it: Their bond rating is two steps better than their reporting.

**

Rosie O’ Donnel has a new video posted where she insists that her mutated face is not because of herpes.

How many times have we heard THAT one?

Anyway, you have to watch the video. She claims she had an ingrown hair and fished it out with a thumbtack.

Rosie, removed a facial hair with a thumbtack

Gross. This was while she was on the Norwegian cruise ship. Good thing Norway has that socialized medicine.

She should be grateful. Right now, in America, there are 47 million Americans currently without access to thumbtacks.


**

You want wild? Check out this CNN story. This reporter follows a guy in China who works to make Chinese Food made from cardboard.

So he takes cardboard, soaks it, cuts it up nice and small, and then works it into the food.

The bad news is that he uses recycled cardboard, the good news is the containers are made out of fresh ingredients.

Now, if this happened to you, you’d probably go and wash your mouth out. You’d still go to the hospital.

The only problem is they wouldn’t know if you were sick because of the cardboard or the toothpaste.

Remember kids: Eat your spinach.

No wait.

Remember kids: Eat your candy.


More tomorrow.

Remember, if anything made you laugh - it was probably an accident.

Rating: 1.8/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (7)
Because Liberals Don't Count as "People"
Posted by Harvey at 05:43 PM | Email This

In the comments to this post, Monkey Faced Liberal posted a top 10 list purporting to explain why "fewer people are reading IMAO". Oddly, his reasons only seemed to explain why conservative readership would drop off.

Obviously MFL doesn't consider liberals to be "people".

To counteract his deplorable hate speech, I offer these:

Top Ten Reasons Fewer Liberals Are Reading IMAO

10) Political philosophy of "kill the terrorists, protect the borders, punch the hippies" has too many big words.

9) Offended by Frank's contention that flipping your bangs 20 times to get your hair juuuuust right is NOT a move that simply oozes machismo.

8) Can't conceive of how Frank can admire Fred Thompson's character without also desiring sweaty, un-natural carnal relations with the man - what a freak!

7) Puzzled by discussions of self-defense techniques other than "dial 9-1-1 and wait patiently".

6) Selling T-shirts? Why doesn't Frank just lobby for a government T-shirt price-support program that pays hims to NOT sell T-shirts, instead?

5) Frustrated by the complete lack of explanatory linkage for Frank's obscure pop-culture references... ok, that one actually applies to everyone...

4) Michael Moore fat jokes are hate speech; Rush Limbaugh fat jokes are just inherently funny.

3) Still not understanding how killing Iraqi civilians who innocently shoot rockets at American troops can be an effective war strategy.

2) Really hate science fiction stories that don't revolve around a heroic politicians saving a planet from the perils of global warming.

1) SarahK isn't a bitter, hatchet-faced, tree-hugging man-hater. TOTALLY unsexy.



Hopefully our few remaining liberals feel less hated now.

Rating: 3.5/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (14)
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
Posted by Harvey at 03:00 PM | Email This

Until they met John Edwards, the Klingons had no word for "manicure".

Rating: 1.9/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (5) | John Edwards Fabulous Facts
It's Our Duty as Misanethropes
Posted by Frank J. at 02:30 PM | Email This

Cindy Sheehan has been kicked off of Daily Kos because of her talk of running against Nancy Pelosi. That means it's up to the right-wing blogosphere to help here campaign.

Remember: Pelosi's district is primarily liberals, so that's what were aiming for. That means guilt is our primary weapon.

POSSIBLE CINDY SHEEHAN SLOGANS

* Not voting for her is like killing her son again.

* Are you thinking of voting for Pelosi? Chickenhawk!

* If you support Pelosi, you support the troops.

* A vote for Pelosi is real terrorism.

* If you want to kill more Iraqi children, then vote for Pelosi.

Other suggestions?

Rating: 4.0/5 (1 vote cast)

Comments (16)
Interview with a t-shirt babe
Posted by sarahk at 02:21 PM | Email This

Venomous Kate has interviewed the lovely and talented me. Go see!

Rating: 2.5/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (4)
Worst. Scandal. Ever.
Posted by Frank J. at 02:00 PM | Email This

Maybe it's a sign of the times, but what I imagined was the least worse possibility for the Miss Jersey photos was a light-year away from as innocuous as the photos ended up being. Would this even have made news without the blackmail hype? It's almost quaint that FOX News is playing these up as scandalous. It's like a scandal from the '50s.

Rating: 2.5/5 (1 vote cast)

Comments (5)
One Day There Will Be Fred Thompson
Posted by Frank J. at 12:58 PM | Email This

Now there's talk that Fred Thompson won't announce until September, and some people are getting impatient and worried that momentum for Fred Thompson will die down if he doesn't get in the race soon.

Poppycock.

The mere knowledge that Fred Thompson will run for President sometime within our lifetime is all conservatives need to know to keep them motivated and keep them fighting. As dark as things may get, we can still say to ourselves, "One day there will be Fred Thompson." If ever the news starts to make you disenchanted in politics, just whisper, "One day there will be Fred Thompson." If you've been shot and are left bleeding in an alleyway, do not despair; just remind yourself, "One day there will be Fred Thompson."

Do not give up. One day there will be Fred Thompson.

Rating: 5.0/5 (1 vote cast)

Comments (18)
If It Is Real, My Solution Is to Wear a Lighter Jacket
Posted by Frank J. at 11:55 AM | Email This

Global warming is a big problem, and activists have tried solving with a rock concert and by paying other people to plant trees to no avail. Still, let's not pretend it's the biggest problem. Here are even greater threats:

GREATER THREATS THAN GLOBAL WARMING

* The imminent destruction of Krypton.

* The possibility of Sauron getting the One Ring.

* A fully-operational Death Star.

* Megatron getting possession of the All-Spark.

* Milo Rambaldi's discoveries falling into the wrong hands.

* Khaaaaaaaaaaan!!!

* The Joker escaping from Arkham Asylum.

* Cobra Commander and his own personal army.

* Gargamel discovering the location of Smurf Village.

* Any threat that isn't completely made up.

Rating: 1.8/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (17)
Sounds like a good blog name to me.
Posted by spacemonkey at 11:53 AM | Email This

This sounds like a good blog name: Eloi for Breakfast

Or maybe it'd make a decent book title. The follow on book could be Morlock for Lunch and then to finish off the trilogy, A Sensible Time Traveler for Dinner. Either way at the link is an interesting read about pacifism (he's agin' it). Written by someone whose first name is Bruce and whose last name should be nuked.

Can you guess it without looking?

Rating: 1.5/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (3)
Astonishing Facts
Posted by Frank J. at 10:18 AM | Email This

I've seen lots of webpages and e-mail forwards about interesting little known facts, thus I thought I'd put up my own list of astonishing facts.

ASTONISHING FACTS

* One out of five dentists have been convicted of a violent crime.

* Wolves only lick what they intend to eat. The reason a dog will lick a human's hand without eating it is from centuries of selective breeding.

* 1% of American men are or have given serious thought to being a serial killer.

* The "fact" that the earth is flat used to be in Democratic Party platform.

* Ron Paul has the highest documented IQ of any known presidential aspirant past or present.

* Garlic is poisonous until cooked.

* Studies have shown that, if you own a handgun, you're twice as likely to die of pneumonia.

* If the Sun weren't in a vacuum, it would make a sound similar to crickets chirping.

* The first ever warm, home-delivered meal was liver and onions.

* Banana flesh is genetically similar to human skin.

* The word "the" is spoken only three times in the movie Casablanca.

* The first ever bullets were made from human bone.

* Sharks can swim backwards nearly as fast as they can forwards, but they only ever do it for mating.

* Tiger Woods has never done better than par on eighteen holes of a miniature golf course.

* The first ninjas were primarily letter carriers.

Rating: 1.8/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (5)
Do You Like Humor?
Posted by Frank J. at 09:06 AM | Email This

There are humor geniuses out there who put something out mind-blowingly funny ever so often.

And then there's me. I put out half-way decent crap.

Every.
Single.
Day.

At least weekdays, that is (excluding holidays). Anyway, it's actually a much harder feat than the "I'll write humor when I'm so inspired to." I don't have time for inspiration. I'll waterboard my muse until she spits something out; that's my commitment to you.

To support this valiant effort, you can give me money so I can spend more time being funny whether I feel like it or not.

Remember, this is your only chance to donate and get a chance to win the Super Happy Fun IMAO Prize Package Number One including being exclusive owner of a hastily drawn Frank J. comic and a mystery prize.

Thanks to everyone who has donated so far. Expect more humor today... or, at least, my best attempt at it. Also there will be the unveiling of the all new IMAO blogroll!

Yeah, I'm not really that excited either.

Rating: 2.0/5 (1 vote cast)

Comments (7)
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

When Fred Thompson visits San Francisco, it's temporarily the straightest city in the country.

Rating: 2.8/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (10) | Fred Thompson Facts
July 11, 2007
The News Round-Up. It's baaaaack!
Posted by RightWingDuck at 07:42 PM | Email This

Disclaimer: These jokes are borderline awful. You might be saying, "Ducky, don't misjudge yourself. Your jokes are never borderline awful: they jumped the border and are working in Montana." Well, that's true but I miss writing these monologues. So this disclosure is more apology. The humor muscle is like any other muscle, it gets rusty when not used. So keep tuning in to these. They'll get better as I shake the cobwebs off the old Humor Noggin and get it into gear.

Welcome to IMAO, the best internet sitefor right wing humor that anyone has ever heard of*.

Let's talk about the news.

There’s a new video out on YouTube where someone proclaims their attraction to Hillary Clinton! Attraction to Hillary Clinton?

Who the heck is responsible for this hideous crime?

Okay. Take a deep breath.

Step one to figuring out who’s attracted to Hillary. I think we can safely rule out the husband.

The funny part is that it's sung by "Idol" participant Taryn Southern. American Idol is a lot like politics. You may not like the final choices but, damn, you have to vote for someone!

Is this video a trend? This is the second such video to support Democrat candidates.

Earlier Obama had a video where a hottie danced and pined for him as well.

Not to be outdone, John Edwards has a video coming out set to the hit tune: Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic. (It cost $14 million to produce and is designed to raise awareness of poverty.)

**


Speaking of people who find Hillary attractive…

The Democrats will be doing something unique: They’ll be debating each other in front of the LGBT (Lesbians, Gays, Bisexual, Transgenders.)

We haven't seen debates this gay since CNN.

This is actually a good opportunity for John Edwards who has long felt like a man trapped in a woman’s body.

The bisexuals are happy to host this event. They can relate to people who play on both sides of the fence.

This is really good for the Dems. They decided to forego Fox News and hold a debate in front of people they deemed conservative.

**


Rosie O’Donnel is in the news. She was recently on a gay cruise when she drew a beard on a portrait of former co-star Elisabeth Hasselbeck,

That’s the only time you’ll see those three words in the same sentence: Rosie. Gay. Beard.

BTW, Elizabeth not to be outdone, recently retaliated.

She drew a mustache on her refrigerator.


**

Here’s some interesting news: Studies show that the older you get, the less you comprehend humor. I can just imagine that interview process:

Interviewer: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Old Fogie #1: ONE road? Why, when I was a young man, I had to cross fifteen miles of road going uphill in the snow.


Next subject:

Interviewer: No, why did the chicken cross the road?

Old Fogie #2. (having a hard time hearing) .What?

Interviewer: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Old Fogie # 2: HUH?

Interviewer: WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

Old Fogie #2. Screw you, junior. I don’t need any chicken. (Whacks the interviewer with his cane)


Remember, if none of his is funny, you’re probably getting old.

**


Homeland Defense Chief Michael Chertoff has a lot of people concerned. Although he has no intelligence, he seems to feel that we’ll be attacked soon. He can feel it in his gut.

That’s the kind of people George Bush hires. Recently, the director of the Hurricane center was let go because he too had conflict: He kept trying to predict hurricanes by telling people when his bunions hurt.

(pause)

I SAID HE WAS PREDICTING HURRICANES BECAUSE HIS BUNIONS HURT!!

Never mind.

President Bush continues to support Chertoff. He says, “Hey, I know I’m doing the right thing. In fact, as I was walking up the White House this morning I didn’t even step on a line or break my mother’s spine. Also, I didn’t break any mirrors today or walk under any ladders.”

So are things getting better?

I have good news and bad news. The good news is that the Democrats are now at war. The bad news is that they’re at war with Republicans.

Democrats have voted to not renew the Vice President’s budget of $5 million dollars.

Did you know that they need $5 million to run that office. The budget only has two lines. One line shows $28,000 for office supplies. The other shows $4.98 million for hush money.

Thankfully, VP Cheney is doing all he can to recycle and reuse. In fact, he invited some friends over. He commented, “I love seeing my friends faces, it makes me smile, and gives me a chance to recover some missing ammunition.”

(pause)

Nope, it’s not me.

You’re old.


That's it. Tune in tomorrow!

**


* No, we've never heard of Scrappleface.

Rating: 1.0/5 (1 vote cast)

Comments (12)
For the Record
Posted by Frank J. at 06:42 PM | Email This

All this does is make using the word "ginormous" less fun.

BTW, my lobbying for "muckadoo" didn't pay off. Maybe I should work on "Ronulan."

Rating: 3.5/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (2)
lolterizt! Part 6
Posted by Harvey at 05:37 PM | Email This

Once again, pass 'em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don't be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

iphone.jpg

joos iz big.jpg

lil terizt sez.jpg

live free.jpg

on camra.jpg

lovin it.jpg



Reader submissions:

From Serr8d:
warriors come out to play-ay.jpg

From Tyrant King:
HiFives.jpg

From Beth of MY Vast Right Wing Conspiracy
infidelz rage.jpg

From Former Hostage:
not funny.JPG

Two from Erik Wit:
holdrifle.JPG

hole.JPG



PRODUCTION NOTE: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

Send your submissions to lolterizt-at-gmail.com and - if they aren't obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don't suck too terribly bad - I'll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

Rating: 2.9/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (6) | lolterizt
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
Posted by Harvey at 03:49 PM | Email This

John Edwards was the original model for the international "women's restroom" symbol.

[collaborative hat tip: reader Chris]



Bonus fact from reader Silicon Valley Jim:

When John Edwards was in high school, he would stay home and cry for a week every time he had a pimple.

Bonus bonus fact from me:

He still does.

Rating: 2.8/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (6) | John Edwards Fabulous Facts
An IMAO Investigative Report: The Vast Ron Paul Conspiracy
Posted by Frank J. at 01:09 PM | Email This

Who is Ron Paul, and why are his Ronulans so fervent even though IMAO's scientific polling shows Ron Paul losing the presidency in a landslide to a dancing monkey? I already showed that FredThompsonForum.com is a Ron Paul supporter front meant to defame Fred Thompson, but I've recently discovered that the conspiracy is much wider and much more disturbing.

What evil lurks behind those beady eyes?
First off, there is at least one Ron Paul supporter coordinating a slander campaign against Fred Thompson. William Beutler at Blog P.I. noted the perp, and checking IMAO comments I found two instance of a "Jim Robinson" talking down Fred Thompson, one here and the other here. Each was under a different IP address, and searching for more comments under those IP addresses I found Ron Paul 2008 here (same post one of the Jim Robinson comments were in) and RepublicanWomenAgainstFredThompson here (which you'll note I immediately pegged as a Ron Paul stooge, eagle-eyed blogger that I am). As you see, this person is an obvious Ron Paul supporter, but he has posed as a Rudy supporter when trashing Fred Thompson -- that's how weird and twisted this conspiracy is.

This isn't just one slanderer, though; this is a coordinated campaign. abrown28 of fredheadsusa.org alerted me to how the Fred Thompson Forum being a Ron Paul front is not just an isolated incident. Some checks on whois information shows the same person who owns RonPaulForum.com, owns the MittRomneyForum.com and RudyGiulianiForum.com URLs so he can defame them too if fortunes change for Fred Thompson (interestingly, he didn't bother to buy JohnMcCainForum.com; I guess getting that would be like buying special insurance in case you're hit by a meteor -- technically it's possible, what are the odds?). The whois information used to match for the FredThompsonForum.com, but now that information is made private, so you'll have to trust me on that (interesting how the only person who knows this is me -- someone extremely untrustworthy; they planned this conspiracy well). If you look at the Fred Thompson Forum and compare it to the Ron Paul Forum, though, you'll notice they were set up exactly the same.

There is a big difference between those forums, though. While there are public areas on the Ron Paul forum where they point out polls to spam and curse how they all have cellphones and that's why Gallup never finds Ron Paul support, they also have some sections hidden to all but registered users.

Sounds like a job for an undercover investigation.

I made a fake ID and attempted access to the hidden areas, but first they interrogated me to make sure I was a real Ron Paul supporter. They asked me three questions which I had to get right to be accepted by them. Luckily, I had done enough Ron Paul research that they didn't stump me. The questions were:

1. Ron Paul is the what of our day? (Answer: Thomas Jefferson)
2. How do you respond to people mocking Ron Paul and his supporters: (Answer: "First they ignore you, then they ridicule you, then they fight you, then you win.")
3. Who is the last hope for America? (Answer: Ron Paul)

I was then given access to what they talk about in the private area of their forum, and it's worse than we all feared...

Read More...


Rating: 2.1/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (59) | IMAO Exclusives
How Can It Get Any Worse?
Posted by Frank J. at 12:03 PM | Email This

Allahpundit seems to be getting quite dejected with politics. In this post, he talked about sitting out the elections. When someone mentioned that that could mean Hillary Clinton will be elected, AP replied, "Just don’t care anymore. How can it be any worse?"

I like Allahpundit's blogging, so, to cheer him up, I'm going to tell him exactly how things can get worse. In fact, things can get so bad he'll look back upon this day as the Golden Age and wish he worked harder to get spineless Republicans elected.

HOW THINGS CAN GET WORSE

* We get socialized health care and waits for appointments become so bad that you'll be glad to see any doctor, even if he is an avowed terrorist.

* There really is a vast conspiracy of the Mexicans and Canadians to make a North American Union. First step, get rid of all the pesky Americans.

* World is plunged into ice age, but we're still not allowed to do anything that leaves a carbon footprint because, in Al Gore's words, "Global warming is going to come really, really soon. I'm super cereal!"

* Michael Moore grows in mass to the point he has an event horizon the size of Montana. Reviews of his new film constantly use the word "inescapable."

* In a huge act of multiculturalism, Michigan enacts sharia law. American cars are then built with new features to assist in implementing fuel-air bombs.

* We retreat from Iraq in such a cowardly manner that any military threat in the future is met with derisive laughter causing us to make even more impotent threats.

* Katie Couric is replaced by Rosie O'Donnell.

* Passage of the Fairness Doctrine means every funny IMAO post must be followed by a horribly unfunny one (it would be different; trust me).

* To help with the floundering housing market, the government encourages random arson.

* The Supreme Court rules that suicide bombing is a protected form of expression.

* Finally bowing to the inevitable, Michelle Malkin replaces the staff of Hot Air with underpaid Mexicans. Because of the cost savings, they all get iPhones.

* Things get so bad and so many people leave the country that Ron Paul actually is the last hope for America.

How do you think things could worse.

Rating: 2.2/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (38)
Whatever It Is, It's Going to Get Photoshopped Plenty When It Comes Out
Posted by Frank J. at 11:01 AM | Email This

So, Miss Jersey was being blackmailed with some pictures, but she won't say what they're of other than that they will shock people but it's not nudity. So what do you think it is?

Rating: 1.5/5 (1 vote cast)

Comments (9)
More Facts
Posted by Frank J. at 10:32 AM | Email This

It should be noted that IMAO only prints Fred Thompson facts officially verified by me. If you have some of your own facts you found, go to FredThompsonFacts.com to submit them.

Rating: 4.5/5 (1 vote cast)

Will It Blend?
Posted by Frank J. at 10:00 AM | Email This

Ends up there's a website called Will It Blend? where they have video of different things put in a blender to see what happens. I'm guessing Glenn Reynolds isn't behind it, because they haven't tried blending a puppy yet. Then again, Glenn Reynolds already knows whether that will blend.

They have blended an iPhone, though.

(hat tip Hot Air)

Rating: 2.8/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (3)
Own Frank J.
Posted by Frank J. at 08:55 AM | Email This

Ever feel like complaining about something on IMAO? Well, if you make a donation to me, then you can hold it over my head forever as you make unreasonable demands. And can I ever say I've paid back your donation and ignore you again? No. That's why your donation, no matter how small, is a debt I can never precisely repay.

Also, this week only, it enters you to win the Super Happy Fun IMAO Prize Package Number One. Thank you to everyone who has donated so far and to everyone who has supported IMAO through its first five years.

Rating: 3.5/5 (1 vote cast)

Comments (6)
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

Fred Thompson's TV records all the shows he wants to watch. There isn't a DVR connected to it; the TV's just scared of making him mad.

Rating: 2.5/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (12) | Fred Thompson Facts
July 10, 2007
Al Qaeda's Response?
Posted by Harvey at 08:39 PM | Email This

Al Qaeda second-in-command Ayman al-Zawahiri says the group is reparing a "precise response" to Britain's decision to bestow a knighthood on author Salman Rushdie.

Unfortunately, he neglected to say what Al Qaeda's response might actually be, which means we'll have to settle for wild speculation:



* Posting "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows" spoilers.

* Naming all their goats "Elizabeth".

* A ceaseless campaign of stealing cars and parking them in tow-away zones.

* Infecting Britain's water supply with Mad Crumpet Disease.

* Refusing to address Sir Paul McCartney as anything other than "the Ivory guy from that one Stevie Wonder song".

* Calling Prime Minister Gordon Brown up every day and asking if Hugh Jass is there.

* Flushing "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" DVDs down the toilet.

* Waiting until Prince Charles is asleep and then putting his hand in a bowl of warm water.

* Making another James Bond movie with Timothy Dalton.

* Organizing a Spice Girls Reunion tour.

* Leaving duffle bags in the London Underground containing open copies of "The Big Book of British Smiles".

* Continuing to savagely attack the tendons of Glasgow cabbies with their balls.



British citizens are being advised to wear steel-toed boots at all times as a precaution.

Rating: 4.5/5 (1 vote cast)

Comments (11)
John McCain Loses Staff. Hires Illegal Aliens
Posted by RightWingDuck at 08:29 PM | Email This

opportunity bus.JPG

Arizona Senator John McCain breathed new life into his presidential campaign today despite having lost most of the crucial players on the team. In an announcement at the Phoenix Home Depot, Senator McCain announced his bold decision to replace his key leaders with undocumented workers.

Senator McCain spoke before an excited crowd.

”Although I was disappointed to lose so many key people on my staff, it was for the best since I had trouble raising money and had very little cash on hand.” Some experts blame the poor fundraising on either the ever-eroding support for the Iraq war; others lay the blame at the hands of global warming.

When asked if the decision to use illegal aliens would further alienate his base the Senator responded enthusiastically. “There’s no way that would happen. I don’t feel that I’d lose one bit of support for die-hard conservatives who understand that I too am a die hard conservative with conservative values.”

Reports have it that with the hiring of 134 illegal alien workers, the McCain headquarters will be abuzz with positive activity. “Sure, we had to reach out to these folks. The first condition I had to meet for employment was to tear down the fence around my home. Just because I’m the legal owner, I didn’t want them thinking that I somehow consider it my property. By tearing down the fence, I feel a greater sense of security for myself and my family.”

Many political analysts have greeted the move with great joy. Said one commenter, “These illegal aliens will do the work Americans find beneath them: such as cleaning, gardening, and supporting a John McCain bid for a presidency.”

Although many of these workers are not paid very much, McCain staffers assured us that employment still has many benefits, such as free Emergency Room healthcare, all documents translated into Spanish, and a free education for any and all of these workers’ children.

Before departing the Home Depot Rally, Senator McCain urged all his followers (using Spanish interpreters) that, together, they can achieve a whole lot more. Mr. McCain’s Website now sports the new McCain slogan: Si Se Puede!

Rating: 3.9/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (7)
I Like Telling Stories
Posted by Frank J. at 06:32 PM | Email This

I had a lot of fun doing stories bit-by-bit, but that's one of the sort of things I plan to move to a separate blog since it doesn't fit with the political humor. I might not have time to start until my house is on the market, but I want to start planning it now. What I've been thinking of doing is a sequel to Superego (yeah, Rico didn't actually die; I just never got around to writing the epilogue), taking on Hellbender again, or some new idea I've been batting around. What do you think?

Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)

Comments (21)
Is OSHA Trying to Get Itself Hurt?
Posted by Frank J. at 04:03 PM | Email This

Apparently OSHA is planning to put extra regulations on stores that sell ammo. It won't stop ammo sales but just seems to be laws made to inconvenience and anger gun owners (didn't I recently talk about the wisdom of that?). If OSHA really wants to prevent people from being injured at the workplace, they should pass regulations that gun control stupidity can't be discussed within 25 yards of gun owners... and within a thousand yards of snipers.

It's not only common sense; it's the law.

Rating: 2.0/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (13)
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
Posted by Harvey at 03:00 PM | Email This

John Edwards will not use cotton balls because they give him carpet burns.

[collaborative hat tip: reader Chris]

Rating: 2.6/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (7) | John Edwards Fabulous Facts
Support the Crazy
Posted by Frank J. at 02:09 PM | Email This

John Hawkins has made an ad to support Cindy Sheehan in running against Nancy Pelosi. I think it's a great idea for more bloggers to make ads for Sheehan since she probably doesn't have the money to do them herself.

"Cindy Sheehan lost her son in the war. She has absolute moral authority. If you vote against her, you're worst than Hitler... maybe even as bad as Bush!"

Things like that. It could be fun.

Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)

Comments (5)
In My World: No One Cares
Posted by Frank J. at 01:03 PM | Email This

"End war! Ergah! Leave now!" a crazed man screamed at Senator Harry Reid. Reid slammed the door to his Senate office. He could hear people clawing at it.

"Who are these weird smelling people?" Reid asked his aide.

"Left-wing bloggers, sir. They think they're responsible for the Democrats' victory in '06, and they want the Iraq War ended now."

"How many are there?"

"I've already told you that that's my favoritest war ever and I'm not going to end it!"
"Not that many, but they're loud."

There was more pounding at the door. "Me smirt! You listen me! You end war!"

"Fine," Reid said. "Guess I'll finally have to get this war ended so I can get my afternoon nap. I'm old!"

* * * *

President Bush sat at his desk, twiddling his thumbs. After a while of boredom, he hit the button on the intercom and asked his receptionist, "Any calls for me?"

"No, sir. No calls for you. You're a lame duck."

"Awwww." Bush sunk in his chair.

"Wait, Harry Reid is here to see you."

"Oh. Okay. Send him in." Harry Reid walked into the office. "Anyone ever tell you you have the worst porn name ever?"

"We need to talk about Iraq," Reid said.

"I've already told you that that's my favoritest war ever and I'm not going to end it!"

"Then maybe I have someone who will convince you otherwise -- an editor from the New York Times!"

An editor from the New York Times walked into the Oval Office. "We have declared that the Iraq War must end now!"

Bush furrowed his brow. "Haven't you guys written that exact same editorial every day since forever?"

"Yeah... but this time we mean it!"

"And you don't care that if we pull out, there will most likely be civil war and genocide?"

"We're pretty sure you'll get blamed for it, so we're okay with that."

Bush push the button on his intercom. "Clear my schedule for the afternoon. I'm going to spend it beating an editor from the New York Times with various objects in my office."

"There's nothing on your schedule, sir," the receptionist replied. "You're a lame duck."

"Excellent."

* * * *

"And that's for not publishing my op-ed!" Bush yelled as he hit the editor from the New York Times with a stapler.

"We'd never publish your stupid crayon scrawl!"

"My pen was broke and crayons were all I could find!" Bush shouted back and hit him with the stapler again.

"I think that's enough," Tony Snow said.

Bush looked around the room. "Where did Harry Reid go?"

"I think he got bored of impotently watching you beat the editor from the New York Times so he went out in the hallway and sat down in a chair and fell asleep. He's old."

"Well, help me throw this guy out the window. He'll find his way home; liberals always remember their home."

"I believe you're thinking of dogs."

"Whatever. The point is, we're throwing him out the window." Bush and Tony picked up the editor from the New York Times and threw him out the nearest window.

"What did you just throw onto my rose bush!" Laura exclaimed from outside.

"Whoops!" Bush quickly shut the window. "So, Tony, how are things going?"

"Pretty good. No one asks questions at the press conferences anymore since you're a lame duck and no one care what you think. Also, by your request, we checked the motorcade for Decepticons and it's all clear."

"Great." Bush sat back in his desk chair.

"There are a couple problems, though. A lot of people didn't like how you commuted Scooter Libby's sentence."

"Well, if they saw his sad puppy dog eyes, they would have commuted his prison sentence too!"

"Also, more Republicans seems to be defecting on Iraq and not letting the surge play through."

Bush nodded thoughtfully. "These are the times where we find out which Republicans have testicles and which ones only have the 'I Can't Believe It's Not Testicles!' testicle substitute. I'm not backing down on the war. I already lost all my popularity because of the 'Not Amnesty at All' for Mexicans debacle." He leaned close to Tony and whispered. "I'll tell you a secret: It was really amnesty all along."

"I don't think that was a secret, sir."

"Anyway, the point is that no matter what I do, I can't get any more unpopular, so I'm going to see this war through no matter how weak and whiny the rest of the politicians get."

"I think that's admirable."

Bush thought for a moment. "Hmm... since I can't get any more unpopular, maybe I should form some death squads to eliminate my opponents."

"What?!"

"Squads of death. They're like a squad that goes around killing people."

"I know what a death squad is, Mr. President; I'm just saying maybe you should rethink that idea."

Tony Snow left the room. "I don't know why death squads get such bad raps," Bush said to himself. He hit the button on his intercom. "Any calls for me."

"No, sir. You're still a lame duck."

"I'm going to vandalize entries on Wikipedia for the rest of the day."

"You don't have to tell me; no one cares what you do."

"Excellent."

Rating: 1.8/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (12) | In My World
Katie Couric Spews Tums
Posted by spacemonkey at 12:27 PM | Email This

Rachel Lucas points out a dichotomy. Ms Couric doesn't want to say the word $pu+um, but she'll show us her bowels.. Seems odd to me too. Who wants to see bowels?

But I think I know why Katie's camera shy about one and not the other. Those laxatives you have to take before a colonoscopy will generally flush any $pu+um out of your bowels that might have been in there, for some reason.

Also she's not very smirt and probably thought $pu+um was something else. Sputum, I mean.

Rating: 2.5/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (6) | Humor
An IMAO Presidential Poll
Posted by Frank J. at 12:04 PM | Email This

I think who should win this poll is pretty obvious, but I know one of those choices has an overzealous following who love to spam polls. I mean, the people who love a dancing monkey are just so over the top in their praise for a dancing monkey that it freaks me out. They're always going on and on about how a dancing monkey is "the James Madison of our time" and how a dancing monkey is the only hope for our country. And they don't seem to acknowledge the fact that 99% of Americans when asked about a dancing monkey respond with either "A dancing monkey is stupid," or "What's a dancing monkey?" How delusional are they to not realize how ridiculously insane they all look going on and on about their a dancing monkey? If anything, the crazed a dancing monkey followers ruined any chance of national support for a dancing monkey because everyone sees those wackos who love a dancing monkey and say, "If those nuts are for a dancing monkey, then a dancing monkey is probably just as stupid as they are."

So, anyway, please don't spam this poll.

Rating: 1.8/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (44)
IMAO Condensed: Gun Control
Posted by Frank J. at 11:06 AM | Email This

Rating: 2.4/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (27) | IMAO Condensed
Too Much Posting
Posted by Frank J. at 10:02 AM | Email This

Wow. I think that was too much posting yesterday. I counted sixteen posts for IMAO's fifth blogiversary, and at least half of them were big meaty posts too. That's like a week's worth of posts in one day. Most of you probably went, "That's too much to expect me to read in one day." Still, make sure to check it all out. Also, go see the comments the Ronulans left on my new video. Apparently, they don't appreciate being made fun of. Who knew?

Well, I hope to deliver you all more posts in the future (though, not that many as yesterday) but you'll have to open your hearts, and, more importantly, your pockets to me.

Remember, each dollar you donate gives you one more entry into winning the Super Happy Fun IMAO Prize Package Number One. Thanks to all those who already donated.

I'll be posting soon about the new blogs and projects I'm going to be working on, and, of course, there will be more IMAO humor fun through the rest of day.

Be honorable, ronin.

Rating: 2.8/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (3)
The Perfect Democratic Ticket
Posted by Frank J. at 09:06 AM | Email This

I have an idea for the perfect Democratic ticket. It's two people who aren't officially in the race right now, but both of them are currently getting a lot of publicity and are sure to energize the base:

Read More...


Rating: 2.2/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (11)
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

Once Fred Thompson played such a great game of Monopoly that the Federal Trade Commission got involved.

Rating: 1.8/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (9) | Fred Thompson Facts
July 09, 2007
Ron Paul Commands Evil Ant Overlords to Attack!
Posted by Frank J. at 09:55 PM | Email This

No joke! Watch this clip (it's only twenty-two seconds) and listen to the sound Ron Paul makes right after George Stephanopolous tells him he has no chance of becoming President ("That's not going to happen."):

Tell me that's not some sort of alien insect language! I think it's pretty obvious that it's probably orders to the evil ant overlords waiting in orbit to attack the earth. Would the Thomas Jefferson of our time really sell us out to toil away in underground sugar mines simply because he's finally realized he has no chance of becoming President? I think all the evidence of that is right there in front of you.

Rating: 1.9/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (30) | Ron Paul, Ron Paul, Ron Paul
The Race Thus Far
Posted by Frank J. at 07:13 PM | Email This

John Hawkins has a great analysis of the 2008 race thus far. Right now, it seems a bit like everything is stalled until Fred Thompson officially throws his hat in (probably a razor lined hat like Oddjob). And, not just the Republican side; the Democrats need to be sure of who they're going to try and develop their narrative against (and we can prepare to laugh away their narrative). I don't want to rush Fred Thompson, but I have to say I'm really getting anxious to see his campaign start in full and smash through everything in front of it like a runaway tank.

In other news, Ron Paul is now polling at one and a half support. If his candidacy continues to grow at this rate, he'll be extremely competitive by 2047.

UPDATE:

My mistake; according to this latest poll, Ron Paul registered no support whatsoever.

Rating: 3.0/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (10)
LA Times Hit Piece on Fred Thompson Magically Dissolving
Posted by Frank J. at 05:34 PM | Email This

The LAT was trying to chip away at Fred Thompson's pro-life bona fides (because it's their understanding that will make the Bible-thumpers in the fly-over country angry), but questionable statements in the original story have been quietly disappearing. If this keeps up at this rate, sometime tomorrow the story will simply read, "Fred Thompson talked to some guy in 1991, the LA Times confirms."

Rating: 2.0/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (5)
IMAO Condensed: Hillary Clinton
Posted by Frank J. at 04:01 PM | Email This

Rating: 2.7/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (18) | IMAO Condensed
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
Posted by Harvey at 03:03 PM | Email This

Before entering politics, John was known as Edwards Spice.

Rating: 2.4/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (6) | John Edwards Fabulous Facts
A Frank Legal Discussion: Why Is It Illegal to Punch Hippies?
Posted by Frank J. at 02:00 PM | Email This

Often I'm asked, "Why, if I punch a hippy, would I be arrested for assault? Are we supposed to believe that the Founding Fathers wanted hippies to walk around un-punched?"

He's practically begging for me to punch him. Why can't I?
First off, the Founding Fathers hated hippies as much as you and in no way intended America to be a place hippies could feel safe. What they knew, though, is that allowing people to punch hippies could lead to abuse of the law where someone would punch a non-hippy and claim he thought he was a hippy. So the reason we can't punch hippies is to protect non-hippies from being punched.

I would support a change in the law, though, where it is legal to punch hippies, but the punched can afterwards legally challenging the punching by claiming to not be a hippy. If the punched was found to in fact be of the non-hippy persuasion, then there will be severe penalties against the puncher for abuse of the hippy punching law.

Some fear this would cause the hippies to overwork our courts by fraudulently claiming after being punched to not be a hippy. I think this shouldn't be too much of a problem. First, there are people who are very obviously hippies, and an officer arriving on the scene would pronounce it a clean hippy punch and congratulate the puncher for his service to the country. For slightly less obvious hippies, if they claimed to a court to not be a hippy but were then determined to be lying, you can expect the hippy will then be punched by everyone in the courtroom.

Now, I'm not saying these legal changes in the area of hippy punching won't cause some problems, I'm just saying it will be worth it to put forth the clear message that if you're a hippy and dare walk the street in America, you will be punched.

Rating: 4.1/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (17)
Know Thy Enemy: The Moon
Posted by Frank J. at 01:19 PM | Email This

IMAO has long advocated nuking the moon, but what do you really know about the moon? I had my crack research team find all they can about our natural satellite, and I bet after reading this you'll want the moon nuked right away.

FUN FACTS ABOUT THE MOON

* How the moon was created is still a matter of scientific debate, but most agree it was Satan.

* Documents show that the moon plagued early man, often stealing their children.

* Why can't you see the moon during the day? It hides then because, like Batman, it figures it's much more threatening in appearance at night.

* Scientists say that to hold a higher position is to show dominance. So why does the moon float up there in the sky? Because it thinks it's better than us.

* If confronted by the moon in a dark alley, blow your rape whistle.

* The moon is so evil that radical Islamists can only stand to use a sliver of it as their symbol.

* Astronomers note that the moon is the number one source of light pollution world wide.

* It has been shown that the moon is immune to bullets, poison, and being stabbed with a flag pole. The only thing that could possibly harm it is a nuclear strike.

* It's said the full moon can cause people to go crazy. That means the moon has been conducting psychological warfare against us for ages.

* Jupiter has over sixty moons and is completely uninhabitable by human life.

* About once a month, the moon completely hides shadows. This is when it plots against us.

* Despite its evil, America was forced to put men on the moon and claim it as their own to keep it from falling into the hands of Commie evil.

* If America ever tries to use the moon for its own purposes, it will be consumed by the moon's evil. That's why they must destroy the moon where it was created: Mount Doom.

* There's a piece of moon rock displayed to the public at Kennedy Space Center. When you touch it, you can feel your soul whither.

* The moon, like the puma, has no concern for human life.

* Since the moon controls the tides, it's responsible for the creation of such evils as tidal waves and surfer dudes.

* The moon always keeps the same side facing the earth. What is it hiding on the other side? Most scientist agree it's acres and acres of pot.

* In the 1950's, America considered nuking the moon to prove our dominance over all of God's domain, but the whiny, weak Democrats stopped from fear of angering the moon. It already hates us and wants to kill us, idiots!

* The moon can be useful as its gravity can slingshot a craft towards Mars. Airplanes use a similar effect to speed up cross-country flights by using the gravity of Michael Moore.

* We left some moon buggies parked on the moon. I'll bet you the hubcaps are missing.

* In a fight between Aquaman and the moon, the moon would mess up the tides until they threw Aquaman into some power lines.

* Scientists mention numerous possible benefits from nuking the moon such as world peace, learning the cure for cancer, and gaining really awesome video of a mushroom cloud.

* Venus has no moon and has never been under the threat of Communism.

* If you are ever attacked by the moon, don't panic. Death is certain, so you might as well meet it like a man.

Rating: 2.4/5 (24 votes cast)

Comments (16) | Know Thy Enemy
The Hate-Filled Lefty Meets Scooter Libby
Posted by Frank J. at 12:31 PM | Email This






Rating: 2.1/5 (23 votes cast)

Comments (5) | Frank the Artist
lolterizt! Part 5
Posted by Harvey at 12:07 PM | Email This

Once again, pass 'em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don't be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

bang.jpg

doorknob.jpg

terizt rocket.jpg

zippy koran.jpg

jihad_barbie.jpg


Reader submissions:

From Erik Wit:
gaza.JPG

From Tyrant Rex:
equal opportunity.jpg

From Jason:
carbq.JPG

From cadetwithchips2:
danish_embassy.jpg

From D:
on fire.jpg

From SondraK via Beth:
in my cave.jpg

From Beth:
LOLislamicrageboy.jpg

From FormerHostage:
no worries.JPG


PRODUCTION NOTE: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

Send your submissions to lolterizt-at-gmail.com and - if they aren't obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don't suck too terribly bad - I'll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

Rating: 2.4/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (1) | lolterizt
Ron Paul TV Ad
Posted by Frank J. at 11:26 AM | Email This

IMAO EXCLUSIVE: We have this new TV ad for Ron Paul made by one of his supporters:

Probably the most coherent case for Ron Paul I've seen one his supporters make thus far.

BTW, the Paul-bots already found the ad when I uploaded it last night and have been leaving comments. I think they liked it.

Rating: 2.5/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (13) | Ron Paul, Ron Paul, Ron Paul
The Chickens Come Home to Roost
Posted by Frank J. at 11:10 AM | Email This

You gotta love this: Cindy Sheehan is thinking of challenging Nancy Pelosi in the next election for not impeaching President Bush. The Democrats built up this crazy lady thinking she was a useful tool against President Bush, and now she spends most of her time attacking Democrats.

Have fun with your own, home-brewed crazy!

So, in this election, who do you think IMAO should endorse?

Rating: 2.8/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (19)
Palestinian Kids Want to Kill the Jews; What Do They Know that We Don't?
Posted by Frank J. at 10:50 AM | Email This

Over at Hot Air they have up video of a nine year old Palestinian wanting to kill the Jews and seem to meet it with disapproval as usual. At some point, though, we will have to stop dismissing these opinions and honestly ask ourselves: Has our non-Jew killing policy yielded the results we hoped? I mean, all the Middle East is for killing the Jews, and those people seem happy and prosperous.

Rating: 3.5/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (2)
Five Years of Memories
Posted by Frank J. at 10:31 AM | Email This

What's your favorite IMAO memory? Was there a post particularly special to you? Tell us in the comments about how IMAO made you laugh, made you think, or taught you the true meaning of Christmas. The sappier the better!

Rating: 2.8/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (26)
Both Sides: Is Dissent on the War Patriotic?
Posted by Desmond Imao at 10:11 AM | Email This

Free speech is a sacred right in America, but is being critical of military actions in the time of war unpatriotic since it may help the enemy? To look into that question, IMAO is proud to present the opinions of noted right-wing blogger Frank J. and respected left-wing blogger Scary Evil Monkey to give you both sides.

Anyone Who Publicly Criticizes the War Is an Unpatriotic Little Douche
By Frank J.

 So we have a military conflict headed by generals with tons of knowledge and information none of us have access to, so why does anyone think they want the opinion of some goober who read a few newspaper articles online?

 Freedom of speech is important, but war is a special thing because lives and perhaps our entire country are on the line. The time to argue against a war is before it starts, and if the American people don't listen to your homo baby whining about how we can solve conflicts through hugs -- and they usually don't -- then once the war starts, it's time to shut your stupid mouth from which your intellectual diarrhea constantly flows.

 What does arguing against a war achieve? It convinces the enemy we might give up and keeps them fighting -- thus getting more people killed on both sides. If the loser whiny dillholes win out with their constant shrieking and finally cause us to retreat, then that will further convince our enemies we can be beaten causing them to draw us into even more conflicts and getting even more people killed. So why do people speak out against a war while their countrymen are currently getting shot at? Well, the chance of them knowing anything the generals don't know is essentially nil, so the only reason they speak out is for their own arrogance -- because it makes them feel smart. So, the public dissenters of the war think feeling good about themselves is more important than human lives and their country -- that sounds like someone we can definitively label an unpatriotic little douche to me.

 I'm not saying they shouldn't be allowed to speak, I'm just saying it would be less harmful if those people actually picked up a gun, went out on the battlefield, and shot at our troops -- at least then they'd be eliminated quickly. Also, I'm saying I should be allowed my own freedom of expression to bash their faces in. And, my speech expression will actually achieve something useful for our country -- namely bashing the faces in of unpatriotic douches. If those who feel they need to speak out against the war want to really help their country, they should kill themselves.

End the War Now or I Will Eat Your Eyeballs, Turn Them into Poo, and Throw the Poo at You
By Scary Evil Monkey

dum stoopid heelbilly neocon jues! u maid war too maik halleeburton rich but now u all weel die! ur surge has failed! u cannot defeet the islamomonkeys an dey weel cum an blow u up for trying! u worship boosh but hee dum stoopid heelbilly neocon jue just lik de rest of u. everee wun hoo not a dum stoopid neocon heelbilly jue now turn on u. merryica now becum home of us monkeys. den u no wut happens?

I EET UR EYEBALLS! DEN I TURN DE EYEBALLS INTO POO AN I THROW DE POO AT U! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

u ar dooomed! u weel soon leev irak. den wee weel mak u leev afganeestan. u reed daily kos. dat hoo rul frum now on. maybee u bee gud an dey let u dum stoopid heelbilly neocon jues liv... BUT PROBLY NOT! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

after wee eet ur eyeballs, turn de eyeballs into poo an throw de poo at u, mee an my kos freends WEEL EET DE POO AGAIN, TURN IT INTO MOR POO, AN THROW DAT POO AT U!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAH!!!!!!!

* * * *

I hope you enjoyed this debate and hearing both sides of the issue. Please give us feedback so we here at IMAO can serve your needs better.

Rating: 2.2/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (9) | Editorials
Five Years of IMAO
Posted by Frank J. at 09:05 AM | Email This

Five years ago today I said to myself, "There are things out there that need to be said that no one else is saying." So I got my own blog. Soon I realized that the things I had to say that no one else was saying were really stupid, but people read it anyway.

Five years later, the question is, "What now?" I haven't made much of a deal about it, but while we've been getting our house ready to sell so we can move to Texas (which has taken longer than we thought), this blog has been my only job. I've come to realize that as I've been writing humor since I was nine and following politics since I was twelve, this is my real calling. Thus, I want to devote more time to blogging to do all the pieces, podcasts, and video I previously didn't have time for. My wife, the lovely and talented SarahK who I met through blogging, is very supportive of the idea and has been pushing me to really work on being a writer, and now seems as good a time as any to take my best stab at doing this pro.

What does that mean to you? It means you can expect more blogging content out of IMAO. Also, I plan to finally get to work on some other parts of it such as finally adding a blogroll again. Later, I'm going to start some new blogs because there are some other topics I've wanted write about but I want to keep IMAO focused only on humor and politics (I'll post more about the new blogs later).

So what can you do to help? Well, you may have noticed that one of the most popular IMAO features has returned: The tip jar! This is an extra special tip jar, because I'm not going to share its contents with the other IMAO writers (Harvey will continue to get his thin gruel and he'll like it!). For this week, there is going to be a special super fun IMAO fundraiser. If you've enjoyed IMAO, now you can donate money towards helping me be a full time blogger; basically you'll be giving money to help me blog even more. Plus, you'll find giving a gift to me makes you feel good inside, and everyone likes to be happy.

Plus, there's a super prize package! So super, I'm calling it...

SUPER HAPPY FUN IMAO PRIZE PACKAGE NUMBER ONE!

Each dollar you donate before 11:59PM eastern time on Friday gives you one entry towards this:


You could win all this plus a mystery prize!

The package includes:

* The Never Before Seen Frank J. Meets the Hate-Filled Lefty Comic: You'll own the only copy of an original HFL comic (signed and dated to IMAO fifth anniversary). You can either share it with everyone or burn it after you finish reading it to keep all its humor glory to yourself!

* A Unique Signed Copy of Chronicles of Dubya: It's unique and one of a kind because the cover printing is crooked. A collector's item!

* Die Hard 2-Disc Collector's Edition: We got a second copy when we bought the Die Hard box set, so you can have this one. As a service to you, the plastic wrap and security tape have already been removed.

* A Mystery Prize: Will it be a bar of gold? Something one of the cats tore up? Diamonds? Who knows; its a mystery. It's whatever you imagine it to be (but more precisely whatever SarahK and I later decide it to be).

With all these prizes, you may ask why not award multiple donors? Well, when I had the t-shirt babe contest, I didn't also marry Willow and Serenity; it's winner take all. So donate today so you may win this fabulously awesome prize package!

Expect plenty more extra-special blogging the rest of the day, and more cool blogging and videos the rest of the week. I hope you continue to enjoy IMAO as we now enter our next five years. Democrats still are in office, hippies roam the streets with impunity, monkeys continue to live, and the moon has not been nuked, so there is still much work to be done.

Be honorable, ronin.

Rating: 2.8/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (16)
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

Fred Thompson has such self-control that he has only laughed once during the entire five year history of IMAO... and it was probably at something Harvey wrote.

Rating: 2.5/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (5) | Fred Thompson Facts
July 08, 2007
New Attack on Fred Thompson: Nixon Didn't Think He Was Smart
Posted by Frank J. at 08:19 PM | Email This

From a recommended diary on Kos: Over thirty years ago, Nixon made a remark suggesting he didn't think Fred Thompson was bright.

I hope Fred Thompson's campaign is ready to spin this one, because that's just the sort of thing that can sink a candidacy if the public finds out about it.

Honestly, is Fred Thompson that squeaky clean that the Kwazy Kos Kids have to reach this much to come up with an attack? Maybe they can find a grade school teacher of his that will testify that Fred Thompson was at times "unruly." Sometimes the Kos Krowd is so stupid I almost want to make an account over there and lend them a hand. They try hard within their limited mental range, at least.

Rating: 3.5/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (14)
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
Posted by Harvey at 03:02 PM | Email This

It's not true that John Edwards wouldn't hurt a fly, it's just that he couldn't.

Rating: 3.3/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (9) | John Edwards Fabulous Facts
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

Even annoying yip-yap dogs are reverently silent in the presence of Fred Thompson.

Rating: 1.3/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (5) | Fred Thompson Facts
Quick Movie Review: Transformers
Posted by Frank J. at 01:22 AM | Email This

Man, I paid $9.50 for a matinee, but, then again, it delivered more than $9.50. SarahK was secretly dreading to go this film but ended up loving it. I didn't quite like the robot designs as they were just too hard to tell apart in the action sequences, but it still was a lot of dumb fun, brought back old memories of the cartoon, and has me looking forward to a sequel. Definitely the summer movie so far.

Rating: 3.0/5 (1 vote cast)

Comments (16)
July 07, 2007
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
Posted by Harvey at 03:05 PM | Email This

Some politicians inspire bi-partisanship. John Edwards inspires bi-curiosity.

Rating: 2.7/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (7) | John Edwards Fabulous Facts
REMINDER: Monday is IMAO's 5th Blogiversary
Posted by Frank J. at 12:30 PM | Email This

Next week marks five years of IMAO, so tune in for some extra special blogging and some exciting announcements.

Rating: 1.0/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (17)
Saturday Question
Posted by Frank J. at 11:06 AM | Email This

If I had to name what I think is the single biggest threat to our democracy, I'd say it's Diet Mountain Dew.

What do you think is the single biggest threat to our democracy?

Rating: 3.4/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (50)
We Remember
Posted by sarahk at 10:01 AM | Email This

7-7-05.
flags.gif

Rating: 2.8/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (3)
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

A video game company was working on a Fred Thompson simulator where one gets to experience the awesomeness of being Fred Thompson, but they had to shut it down because everyone who tried it had his face melted off.

Rating: 2.4/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (5) | Fred Thompson Facts
July 06, 2007
Bush Responds to Al Qaeda Video with "OO! I'm So Scared!" Video
Posted by Harvey at 05:04 PM | Email This

WASHINGTON (AP) - In response to the video from Al-Qaeda's #2 - Ayman al-Zawahri - calling on Muslims to unite in Jihad, President Bush today released a video of himself pretending to be frightened by the threat.

Bush begins the video by standing in front of the desk in the Oval Office, saying, "Oh no! I've angered the crazy Muslims and now they're going to jihad me!" in a voice almost Shatneresque in its degree of melodramatic overacting.

"Help me! I'm terrified! BWAHAHAHAHA!"

"OO!" continues the President, making cartoonish nail-biting gestures, "I'm SO scared! Whatever shall I do?"

Bush then dashes around the room, flapping his arms like a little girl or John Edwards, while trying and ultimately rejecting various hiding places, such as under the desk and behind the curtains. In one scene, he retrieves a hand towel from the Executive Washroom, places it over his head and declares "Please don't hurt me! I'll be a good girl and wear my burka!" in a high-pitched voice.

"Look at me! I'm a Muslim now! I've got a hostage!" the President continues, chasing his dog Barney around the room with a letter opener while making exaggerated stabbing motions and shouting "Allah Snakbar!" "Hollah Hacksaw!", "Cheese-a Crakar!", and "Walla Walla Washington!"

Bush then flops into his office chair, giggling hysterically.

"Please don't threaten me anymore! The terror is just too terrifying!" he says between snorts of laughter. The President then does a Macaulay Culkin "Home Alone" imitation, screaming "AAAAAAAAH!" while holding his hands to his face before falling to the floor, guffawing helplessly, as the camera fades to black.

The video ends with Bush saying over the black screen "Oh man, I think I wet myself... better have Mitt Romney come in and hose me off," which trails off into more laughter as the clip finishes.

Rating: 4.0/5 (1 vote cast)

Comments (12) | Newsish Fakery
HamNation: Spending $1250 at a Salon
Posted by Frank J. at 04:55 PM | Email This

Mary Katharine (Suparstar!) Ham went to DC's best salon to see if she could possibly spend $1250 in a single sitting. Click on the picture of Hammy to watch:

FULL DISCLOSURE:

Just so you know where IMAO money is going, I just had a haircut at Fantastic Sam's. It cost $13 and I gave a $5 tip. Also, even though the place is only a couple minutes walk from home, I drove an SUV there, so that was a bit extravagant.

Rating: 3.1/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (8)
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
Posted by Harvey at 03:02 PM | Email This

Every year for Lent, John Edwards forgos the pleasures of a woman's touch, with the obvious exception of when he bathes himself.

Bonus fact from reader Chris:
John Edwards was once treated in the emergency room after receiving a large gash in his hand from a jet puffed marshmallow.

Rating: 2.0/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (2) | John Edwards Fabulous Facts
Daily Kos Front Page Survey
Posted by Frank J. at 01:37 PM | Email This

For the record, this is the newest post I'm looking at. So what's on the front page now is:

* A post on how things are going poorly in Iraq.
* A post trashing the Republican presidential candidates.
* A post against surveillance of suspected terrorists.
* A post about the lasting ill effects of the Iraq war.
* A post on excessive drug sentencing.
* A post on cutting off funding for the war.
* A Bush bashing post.
* A post on the right-wing media.
* A post on a Republican breaking with Bush on Iraq.
* A post on Scooter Libby.
* Another post on how things are going poorly in Iraq.

So, after two days we have twenty post:

5 post on how things are going poorly in Iraq
3 posts on Scooter Libby
2 posts on subpeonas
2 Bush bashing post
1 post on Democratic candidates
1 post on an inspirational American
1 post trashing the Republican candidates
1 post against surveillance
1 post on the war on drugs
1 post on cutting funding for the war
1 post on the right-wing media
1 post on Republicans breaking with Bush

I'm not quite sure yet what I'm collecting this data for, but let's do it for a little while and see what patterns emerge.

Rating: 3.3/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (15)
What Gave You the Idea the Military Wants Your Opinion?
Posted by Frank J. at 01:13 PM | Email This

Dean Barnett responds to a liberal commenter with facts about how the surge is working, but my question is how much of a concern is that to the average American? Are we all supposed to go through the facts and figures of how the war is going and advise the government accordingly? Isn't that why our tax money pays for generals?

I agree with Dean: Our concern is were in this to win, because it will be a disaster otherwise and only invite more attacks. You got to give your opinion before the war started, and now that we have the war, our only concern should be victory. I really wish people would stop carping about the military and just let them do their job.

Rating: 2.3/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (6)
You Know It's Not Tax Deductible, Right?
Posted by Frank J. at 12:26 PM | Email This
"Being President should be fun! Yay!"
So, in this last round of fundraising, Obama got $32 million, Hillary $27 million, and John Edwards $9 million.

Who are these people giving them money?

Obama has been a Senator for about two weeks now. Where did everyone get in their head he should be a president? You can argue that there's no evidence yet he'd be a bad president, but you can say the same of any four-year-old. All that's going through the head of his donors is basically "He speaks purty; let's give him millions of dollars!" How did people like that even get money to donate? The IRS should investigate.

Then there's Edwards. No where near as successful in fundraising, but how did he even dupe $9 million out of people. How can anyone donate a thousand dollars to him when they know that won't even pay for one haircut? Plus, with his own extravagant opulence, he's basically walking around covered in gold and jewels while asking people to give him money. If he wants money, why doesn't he just rent out a wing on his house.

The only one that makes sense to me is Hillary Clinton. People are scared of her. You don't want her to be president and then she looks on her records and finds you never gave money to support her candidacy. She'll suck the marrow from your bones for that.

Rating: 3.0/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (4)
Fred Thompson Forum: A Ron Paul Weenies Front?
Posted by Frank J. at 11:51 AM | Email This

I've had a commenter advertise the Fred Thompson Forum, but the actual site is pretty silly. There seems to be a bunch of posters pretending to be ignorant "neocons" who support Fred Thompson (with over the top names like I LOVE HANNITY and Neocon4Fred), while links and facts to Ron Paul are casually put into the discussion and his supporters are made to seem sane in comparison. The biggest tell is that's theres a poll up about whether Fred Thompson can beat Ron Paul, and Fred Thompson is losing -- on a supposed Fred Thompson fan site.

Plus, the reader who alerted me to this said he actually had all his sane posts about Fred Thompson removed. So the whole point of the site is to make Fred Thompson supporters look stupid while pushing them to Ron Paul... except I doubt anyone who isn't already a Ron Paul supporter is dumb enough to fall for it.

Then again, this is actually one of the more clever things those weenies have done -- certainly more clever than the poll spamming. It's like a dog figuring out how to work a doorknob. Any toddler can do it, but, for a dog... wow.

Still, Do Ron Paul supporters really have no idea how ridiculous they look to everyone else? They're like a bunch of Glenn Greenwalds.

(hat tip reader Jason)

UPDATE:

I love this sequence of posters in this post. One mentions how some don't want Ron Paul in the debates, so Nancy says:

I'm confused. Why would we want to exclude Ron Paul and black him out? That's not exactly democracy, is it? Shouldn't each candidate be able to get their message out so everyone can judge them on their merits and let the chips fall where they may?

If Fred has a strong message and stance, he should be able to win outright, without resorting to muzzling the competition.

Followed by the reply from USMC:

That's a good post Nancy. It's funny but I never really looked into Ron Paul, but maybe it's time I do.

Maybe we should all look into Ron Paul!

This thing is hilarious, but I can't help but wonder what kind of people have this much time on their hands.

Rating: 2.8/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (34)
It's the Economy, 'Tard
Posted by Frank J. at 11:03 AM | Email This

So the economy is really awesome; who knew?

The thing with the economy is that it either gets a lot of press or most people are basically only aware of their own situation. I mean, I'm unemployed and I think blogging should pay more, so the economy doesn't seem so great, but you'd think the Democrats would be crowing about how great the economy is since more of them are employed in Congress than since the early '90s. And really, some of them are so useless that the economy has to basically hemorrhaging money before they can get a job.

But who cares about the economy? Scooter Libby is on the loose, and that's what we're all concerned about.

(hat tip Conservative Grapevine)

Rating: 1.3/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (6)
They Should Have to Pay a "Being a Hippy" Tax
Posted by Frank J. at 09:07 AM | Email This

Some hippies don't want to pay taxes because money will go to the military. I'm in the opposite situation where I don't want to pay taxes for anything other than the military. It sounds like there can be some sort of compromise can worked out between us such as me setting the hippies on fire.

Rating: 4.0/5 (1 vote cast)

Comments (15)
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

Fred Thompson doesn't take "No" for an answer... unless the question was "What don't I take for an answer?" Then you better correctly respond with "No" before Fred Thompson rips out your spine and beats you with it.

Rating: 2.4/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (3) | Fred Thompson Facts
July 05, 2007
I Hope No One Ever Photoshops Me
Posted by Frank J. at 09:18 PM | Email This

Michelle Malkin, subbing for O'Reilly, interviewed some skeezy porn guy who mentioned that Michelle Malkin has a lewd photo out on the internet (he also flipped her off just before they cut to the break). Now we're getting a small traffic spike since IMAO is a top google hit for "michelle malkin nude." There's only a photoshopped picture of her in a bikini out there, pervs.

Rating: 2.5/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (10)
A Thought...
Posted by Frank J. at 07:36 PM | Email This

If it weren't for Bill Clinton's sex scandals, there probably wouldn't be anything to his presidency that would be memorable fifty years from now. Years from now, you ask someone if they know who Bill Clinton was, they'll say, "Yeah, he was that horndog. Didn't he die of syphilis?" Same as if you ask someone now who William Howard Taft was, they say, "He was that fat president." If it weren't for his weight, most people probably couldn't name anything about the Taft presidency... same as it will be for Clinton and his sex scandals.

So, were Bill Clinton a better man, he'd be completely forgotten decades from now... same as if Taft was thinner.

I'm not sure what to take away from that.

Rating: 1.8/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (12)
Separated at Birth?
Posted by Harvey at 05:08 PM | Email This

gore-abomber.jpg

Can you tell the difference between Al Gore & the Unabomber based on quotes from each?

I scored 33%, if that tells you anything.

[Hat tip: American Digest]

Rating: 2.1/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (29)
Man Bites Dog, Really
Posted by spacemonkey at 03:35 PM | Email This

Man bites dog to rescue puppy.

And here, I didn't even realize Professor Reynolds was Chinese.

Rating: 2.0/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (4) | Filthy Lies
It's Really Only Logical to Be Scared of Americans
Posted by Frank J. at 03:33 PM | Email This

Andrew Sullivan had a British reader write to him how he's not visiting America during the Bush Administration out of fear of being sent to Gitmo and be belly-slapped. This brings up the obvious question: What does this Brit know that he doesn't want to tell our government?

I hope Andrew Sullivan follows up to find out.

And aren't people who would have legitimate fears of being detained and interrogated by our government people we wouldn't want as tourists in the first place?

(hat tip The Corner)

UPDATE:

No who we should intern again? The Japanese. I have no reasoning behind it; I'm just suddenly feeling spiteful.

Rating: 3.8/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (10)
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
Posted by Harvey at 03:05 PM | Email This

The holy grail of botany is to develop a rose whose petals have the dewy softness of John Edwards.

Bonus fact from reader Chris:
You know that thing that gorgeous women do in movies where they walk towards a diving board, drop the robe to show off a bikini, dive in, swim to the other side, then come out of the water and shake their hair - all in slow motion? Not to ruin it for you, but John Edwards invented that move.

Rating: 2.9/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (7) | John Edwards Fabulous Facts
Daily Kos Front Page Survey
Posted by Frank J. at 02:10 PM | Email This

Just because I find it a fascinating psychological subject, here are the topics of the current front page posts on the Daily Kos (ignoring their open threads and news round ups):

* An unnotable Bush bashing post.
* A post about Congressional subpoenas. I've never quite understood what this topic is about, but subpoenas has been a popular front page topic on the Daily Kos for months.
* A post on how things are going poorly in Iraq.
* Another post on subpoenas.
* Another post about how things are going poorly in Iraq, but this time about how contractors are affected. Kinda odd since I thought their opinion on contractors was "Screw 'em!" (which is the opinion of many of the commenters).
* A post on Scooter Libby. Actually surprised there aren't more.
* A post on Democratic candidates and donors (that is what the site is supposed to be about).
* A post on a Fredrick Douglas speech that doesn't appear to be a direct dig at anything.
* Another post on Scooter Libby.

So that's nine posts today totaling:

2 posts on subpeonas
2 post on how things are going poorly in Iraq
2 posts on Scooter Libby
1 Bush bashing post
1 post on Democratic candidates
1 post on an inspirational American

I'll try and remember to keep up this survey. I'll be interested to see if any conclusions can be made after enough data is collected.

Rating: 5.0/5 (1 vote cast)

Comments (8)
I've Lost Remotes, So I Can't Criticize
Posted by Frank J. at 01:20 PM | Email This

Canada seems to be missing a number of radioactive devices, so, ya know, keep your eyes open for them. They may have just lost them in the couch cushions or behind the refrigerator, but who knows.

So, how do you know if a nuclear explosion is Canadian? There will be two flashes followed by an earth-shattering "Eh."

Rating: 1.8/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (4)
Top Ten Ways to Tell If Your Doctor May Be an Islamic Terrorist
Posted by Frank J. at 12:44 PM | Email This

As the incident in Britain showed us, many doctors out there could be terrorists (especially if you have socialized health care). Here are ten ways to tell if your doctor may be a terrorist:

TOP TEN WAYS TO TELL IF YOUR DOCTOR MAY BE AN ISLAMIC TERRORIST

10. No matter what's wrong with you, he always wants to cut you open.

9. Before examining a woman, tells her to take off her pants and cover her hair.

8. For tough cases, he says he needs to consult his imam.

7. Among his surgery tools is his decapitation knife.

6. Always tells you your case is terminal and that you should consider sacrificing yourself for Allah.

5. He once gave you a prescription for anthrax.

4. During a checkup, he makes you cough five times towards Mecca.

3. You see on his notepad he listed one of your symptoms as "Infidel."

2. To treat a rash, he tries to set you on fire.

And the number one way to tell if your doctor may be an Islamic terrorist...

Read More...


Rating: 1.5/5 (1 vote cast)

Comments (6)
"I Kicked Burning Terrorist So Hard in Balls That I Tore a Tendon"
Posted by Frank J. at 11:50 AM | Email This

An actual headline.

I wish I could put that on my resume. Being that he's Scottish, he should have shouted, "FREEEEDOM!" as he did it.

(hat tip the Puppy Blender)

Rating: 2.5/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (12)
BREAKING NEWS: Scooter Libby Has Gone on a Perjury Spree
Posted by Frank J. at 11:29 AM | Email This

It has been confirmed that Lewis "Scooter" Libby, freed from the threat of prison by President Bush, has broken probation and gone on a perjury spree, lying to prosecutors in multiple states and obstructing their investigations of high-profile non-crimes.

"I was in the middle of investigating whether a local man had murdered the mysterious bigfoot," said Oregon prosecutor Fitz Messenger, "then Lewis Libby came by on his little scooter and said the state capital is Portland. That's simply not true."

"I was looking into whether a family had imprisoned Prince Albert in a can," said Illinois prosecutor Les Spurgeon, "and there zipped by Lewis on his Razor scooter shouting, 'Nickel melts at only three hundred degrees Fahrenheit.' I looked that up on Wikipedia and it ain't so."

Numerous prosecutors across the country have reported similar stories. Democrats say this only confirms their worst fears. "We warned you!" said Senator Harry Reid in a statement to the press, "By getting that madman out of prison, President Bush has doomed this entire country. Dooomed! DOOOOOOMED!! He needs to get our troops out of Iraq and Afghanistan and have them focus on capturing Scooter Libby."

President Bush looked visibly shaken in his impromptu press conference. "I only commuted Scooter Libby's prison sentence so he wouldn't tell anyone how I murdered that hooker, but now I realize I have destroyed our republic through my selfishness. Then again, none of this would have happened if you let me give amnesty to all the Mexicans."

The last contact from Lewis Libby was a taunting letter sent to the police stating, "You had your chance; now you'll never catch me! If you want to try, though, I'll be at the base of Olympus Mons on Mars." Astronomers are currently looking for Libby on the red planet, but some think that may be another lie.

Rating: 2.1/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (10) | Newsish Fakery
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

Kids, don't be scared of the monster in your closet; it's only trying to hide from Fred Thompson.

Rating: 3.3/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (9) | Fred Thompson Facts
July 04, 2007
Aren't There Better Uses for That?
Posted by Harvey at 05:00 PM | Email This

Presidential hopeful Barack Obama set a new fundraising record in the second quarter by pulling in $32.5 million, bringing his total for the year to $58 million.

Since Democrats are forever gloating about all the lefty goodies they could've bought with the money spent on the War on Terror, I think it's only fair to remind them of all the things they could've bought with those Obama campaign donations:



Is Obama REALLY worth not having this?

* 116,000 kevlar helmets for baby seals

* 3,411,000 metal spikes to put in trees for wrecking lumberjack chainsaws

* 10,000 new roofs for Palestinian ambulances with perfectly circular holes from Israeli rocket attacks.

* 252,000 giant paper-maché Bush puppets for burning at protests.

* 19,000,000 gallons of gas for Harry Reid's SUV so he doesn't have to walk across the street.

* 29,000 sensitivity training classes to help cure blacks of their homophobia.

* 210,000 shopping carts for the homeless.

* 2,857,000 inner tubes for illegal aliens.

* 145,000 haircuts for John Edwards.

* 400 if you include the cost of hair spray.

* 4500 face lifts for ugly feminists.

* 18,770,000 jars of urine for NEA art projects.

* 263,000 wedding cakes with two grooms on top.

* 1,300,000 bongs (strictly for medicinal purposes, of course)

* 116 TV commercials to promote a concert that'll raise $10 million dollars for AIDS research.

* 830,000 acoustic guitars for playing "Kumbaya" while setting fire to giant paper-maché Bush puppets.

* Enough carbon offsets to cancel out 3 days worth of Al Gore jetting around the country to discuss the perils of Global Warming.



Then again, there's the one thing that liberals want that NO amount of money can buy (see extended entry):

Read More...


Rating: 1.8/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (6)
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
Posted by Harvey at 03:02 PM | Email This

WARNING: To avoid being attacked by John Edwards, do not wear Tag Body Spray.

Rating: 2.1/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (3) | John Edwards Fabulous Facts
Independence Day
Posted by Frank J. at 11:44 AM | Email This
I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America
and to the republic for which it stands,
one nation under God,
indivisible,
with liberty and justice for all.

That was just to see if I could still recall the pledge. I said it every morning as a child, but I've encountered it quite rarely as an adult -- since the country has really meant something to me. That's a shame, because I'm a firm believer in daily reminders of what's important in life. So often we tend to dwell on the negative while forgetting all we have to be grateful for.

We have the greatest nation on earth, and it's because of all the individuals who have fought for it. There are those who have shed their blood on foreign soil -- those who without their work and sacrifice we would have nothing. There are the innovators, those who have the courage to follow their dreams. All the technology, all the modern conveniences we have, we owe to their initiative. It's hard to believe that we were able to put a man on the moon using a fraction of the computing power found on an iPod, but there's no question which nation was capable and still is.

Most importantly, there are people in this nation who simply fought to bring their families a good way of life, to open opportunities for their children. They worked hard day in and day out with no national recognition to keep the American Dream alive. That's the backbone of this nation.

That's what we need to remember: Too many people have fought too hard for us to settle for mediocrity from ourselves. We were given the opportunity that is this country, and it our duty to do with it what we can. That's how we keep the American Dream alive. That's how we keep the country alive. Whatever negatives there are in this country can easily be outweighed by the positives if we believe in them and act like we believe in them.

Every day, remember your pledge. Happy Independence Day.

Rating: 1.8/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (10)
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

Fred Thompson's backyard fireworks display for Independence Day is so awesome, it often causes several European countries to surrender.

Rating: 2.3/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (11) | Fred Thompson Facts
July 03, 2007
lolterizt! Part 4
Posted by Harvey at 07:05 PM | Email This

Once again, pass 'em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don't be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

basketball.jpg

zippy.jpg

burn.jpg

thnk osama.jpg

u no buy.jpg



Reader submissions:

From Erik Wit:
depilating.jpg

From Andrew:
LOLCorrie.jpg

From Pupster:
terrorass.jpg

From Beth of MY Vast Right Wing Conspiracy:
marshmallowpeepz.jpg

From Chris:
mnkybrz.jpg

From FormerHostage:
teritzfire.JPG



Send your submissions to lolterizt-at-gmail.com and - if they aren't obscene (this is a PG-13 site) and don't suck too terribly bad - I'll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

Rating: 2.7/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (4) | lolterizt
An Idea...
Posted by Frank J. at 05:44 PM | Email This

All the Democrat Presidential candidates came out against the commutation of Scooter Libby's sentence -- as required. If Hillary Clinton really wants to make a point about how outraged she is by the injustice, though, she can demand that her husband be prosecuted and jailed for his perjury.

That'll make the headlines.

Rating: 1.1/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (9)
It's Even Worse When Your Dog Weighs 120 Pounds
Posted by Harvey at 04:19 PM | Email This

Causes of diarrhea in dogs according to PeTA ringleader Ingrid Newkirk:

* wind
* weather
* speed
* vulnerability
* isolation
* extreme stress
* torture

Causes of diarrhea in dogs according to dog owner Harvey:

* drinking out of the toilet
* eating out of the garbage can
* picking "tootsie rolls" out of the cat's litter box

Anyway, I wonder what all these angry, "animal loving" people would be saying if Seamus had been inside the car with Mitt, his wife, and his five pre-teen sons when he started having "bowel issues"?

Rating: 1.8/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (7)
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
Posted by Harvey at 03:24 PM | Email This

John Edwards has never understood what that stupid zipper on the front of his pants is for.

Rating: 2.4/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (5) | John Edwards Fabulous Facts
I Was Thinking...
Posted by Frank J. at 02:07 PM | Email This

With so many of the terrorists from the terrorists plot in Britain being doctors, it makes me wonder whether socialized medicine gives you the option of picking a non-terrorist as your doctor, or are you stuck with whoever you get?

Rating: 3.0/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (10)
A Brief History of the United States of America
Posted by Frank J. at 01:40 PM | Email This

Tomorrow is our country's anniversary (and, more importantly, on the 9th is IMAO's 5th blogiversary), so I thought I'd go over America's history since it's the most awesome country ever.

A BRIEF HISTORY OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

Pilgrims sailed to the continent of North America looking for new land where they could be free. There, they met Indians who said, "We're done with this land; you can have it now. Here's some corn." Everyone was happy, but then the British (who were evil back then), put big taxes on stamps. Americans, bred by the magic of the land to not put up with crap, responded by throwing all the tea and crumpets in the harbor. The British then sent Jack the Ripper after the Americans and he massacred people in Boston. Fed up, the Americans wrote the Declaration of Independence, which was pretty much just six pages of swear words directed at the king of England. This meant war, and there was much kung fu fighting. Eventually America dropped an atomic bomb on Nagasaki, forcing the British to surrender. Then, to prove America is the most awesome country ever, they put a man on the moon. The end.

Rating: 3.0/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (14)
Frank Makes News... Right Wing News!
Posted by Frank J. at 12:31 PM | Email This

I'm guest posting at Right Wing News today and have a post up on how Democratic Presidential candidates can better appeal to the Daily Kos crowd. I'll post more here later, but Right Wing News gets that post exclusive because that site is cool.

Rating: 5.0/5 (1 vote cast)

Comments (5)
Everyone Calls Him "Scooter"; Isn't That Punishment Enough?
Posted by Frank J. at 10:28 AM | Email This

Here's my take on Scooter Libby:

Scooter Libby was specially targeted and given a harsh sentence because he's closely associated with the President. He then got much of the sentence commuted because he's closely associated with the President.

The system works.

Rating: 0.5/5 (1 vote cast)

Comments (10)
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

If Fred Thompson pardons you, anyone who even thinks of your former crime will be instantly struck dead.

Rating: 1.3/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (6) | Fred Thompson Facts
July 02, 2007
California Needs To Hurry Up and Fall Into the Ocean
Posted by Harvey at 07:03 PM | Email This

hitler cat.jpg
Hitler Cat says: You will support the California Pet Sterilization Law!

Apparently, allowing the impure mongrel races to breed uncontrollably puts an unacceptable burden on the state, and the question of what to do about it needs a final solution.

Wouldn't it just peg the irony meter if their Austrian-born head of state signed this one into law?

Rating: 2.5/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (16)
Domesticated Terror: The Feline Threat
Posted by Harvey at 05:07 PM | Email This

Is your cat a terrorist?

Recently, DNA tests have confirmed connections between American housecats and Saudi Arabia - home of 15 of the 19 Sept. 11th hijackers.

If you have a cat in your house, you should immediately raise your terror alert threat level to red (severe risk of terrorist attacks) and watch for the following signs that your cat is in league with Al Qaeda or other international terrorist organizations:



terizt cat.jpg* Recently drove to London, but came home without his green, 4-door Mercedes.

* Ignores balls of yarn; loves balls of det cord.

* Purrs by making a "ULULULULU!" sound in his throat.

* Faces east while catching mice, i.e. preying toward Mecca.

* Leaves poop on top of cat litter, but eagerly buries weapons caches.

* Pelts women with hairballs if they're not wearing burkas in public.

* When you question him about recent terrorist attacks, he responds in gibberish and pretends not to understand English.

* Never shaves his whiskers.

* Fires rockets at your computer monitor every time you read a post by Laurence Simon.

* Insists that you call him "Yusef Islam".

* Pees on your copy of "The Satanic Verses".

* After catching a mouse, he plays with it for several days, then videotapes himself biting its head off.

* Used to work as a baggage handler at JFK airport, and currently appears disgruntled.

* Continually denies the dog's right to exist.

* Complains to Amnesty International when you put a leash on him.

* Eats around the bacon-flavored pieces of his Meow Mix.

* Sharpens his claws on an American flag while chanting "Meow Meow Akbar!".

* Hides IED's by the bird feeder.

* Takes his catnip through a hookah.

* Poses for Reuters photographers.

* IS a Reuters photographer.



If any of these items apply to your cat, distract him with a ball of det cord and contact Homeland Security immediately.

Rating: 4.0/5 (1 vote cast)

Comments (16)
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
Posted by Harvey at 03:01 PM | Email This

Silk was invented to allow women to feel as soft and smooth as John Edwards.

Rating: 2.8/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (3) | John Edwards Fabulous Facts
Top Ten Things President Bush Shouldn't Say in His Talks with Putin
Posted by Frank J. at 12:28 PM | Email This

President Bush is having talks with Vladimir Putin. Considering the unstable relation we have with Russia now, President Bush should be careful what he says to Putin. Specifically, there are ten things I thought of that he shouldn't say, and, in case he feels the need to say some of them, I put them in an ordered list so he knows which ones to most not say.

TOP TEN THINGS PRESIDENT BUSH SHOULDN'T SAY IN HIS TALKS WITH PUTIN

10. "Bet you twenty dollars I can obliterate your country before you even get a quarter of your nukes in the air."

9. "I really liked your red and yellow flag better."

8. "You're funny looking and your odor is displeasing."

7. "If your country has a civil war, you'll understand if I back the other side, right?"

6. "Now be honest with me: If I want to get things done, should I be talking to you or the Russian mafia?"

5. "So what continent exactly is your country on?"

4. "If I shake hands with you, I won't catch evil, will I?"

3. "So do you have a Mexican problem in Russia, too?"

2. "Ha! You farted! I'm gonna call you Vladimir Toot'n!"

And the number one thing President Bush shouldn't say in his talks with Putin...

Read More...


Rating: 2.5/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (9)
Lame Terrorist Attacks
Posted by Frank J. at 10:32 AM | Email This

Though it seems inevitable that the terrorists will eventually succeed in a new attack, these foiled plots in Britain show that the terrorists have trouble with even pretty lame attacks. Here's some other foiled terrorists attacks you may no have heard of:

UNSUCCESSFUL LAME TERRORIST ATTACKS

* Stealing all the newest magazines in hospital waiting rooms.

* Not turning off cellphones during movies.

* Heckling school plays to break our nation's self-esteem.

* Driving ten miles below the speed limit on highways.

* Buy all the pie at the supermarket so if someone is really craving pie and goes to the store to buy pie, there will be no pie.

* Removing yellow paint from curbs so curbs are less visible.

* Setting selves on fire to overwork the local burn ward.

* Preparing mass spoiler campaign for the release of the new Harry Potter book.

* Voting for Democrats.

Rating: 4.3/5 (2 votes cast)