a birthday cake. Not kidding. I actually kinda like the song. It kinda seems like she's lipsynching. I'm not accusing, I'm just saying something seems not right with it. I mean, aside from the birthday cake and giant ribbon she has wrapped around her body.

Haha, I love the new "We're pregnant!" dropped call commercial. Also the "don't make the same mistake I did" commercial from last night was hilarious. And yes, I have the all-powerful DVR, but sometimes I'm still typing when the commercial starts rolling.

Kelly Clarkson! She's finally back. She's singing "Never Again", her new single. She actually seems a little nervous at first. I'm kinda loving this song. And I think it's safe to say she's pretty much a rocker now, yes? I love her body. Don't care for the semi-hoo-hah dress or eyeliner. Who is she, Zoolander? Anyway, she rocks. If she were competing last night, I totally would have voted for her. For the record, I tried to vote for Jordin several times because she at least tried and she did smack Blake around. Just could not have voted for Yoko, unless he'd totally nailed that "This is My Frau" song.

There's Jerry Springer.

The Golden Idols (because really, isn't this what the results show is all about? the people who already made my all-time list of people I never want to meet get to go onstage and make the list again?):

Best Presentation Award goes to Margaret Fowler, the fifty-year-old chicken lady. She plants a big nasty kiss on Ryan and knocks him to the ground, and they kinda roll around in the most heterosexual action Ryan has seen since Tara Reid (that was in his experimental phase--I kid because I love, Ryan!). Her cellphone starts ringing while she's onstage accepting her award. Ryan answers and tells whoever it is that she is on national TV, and could she please call them back. That's totally not staged. Actually, based on her... it could be real if her family and friends are like her, and by "like her," I mean "freaks." Just to clarify. I didn't want y'all to think I meant something mean like "eccentric." BTW, other nominees were X-Centric (world-class nutter) and Isadora Furman (sounded like she had an orgasm during her audition).

Now the top six guys are out to sing "Ooh Baby Baby." Sanjaya, Chris R, Chris Sligh, Pennywise, Blake, Brandon. And then they introduce Smokey Robinson. Wow, that face has been through a lot of stretching. Notice, people: You stretch things like thighs, arms, shoulders, hamstrings. Not faces! Anyway, the guys have apparently made all their final arrangements, and so has Smokey. They've said goodbye to their loved ones, and they're all ready to go meet their Maker up above, because there's no other reason a man (or a woman) would be dressed like a cloud or a feather pillow or a country club (think about it, it will come to you), unless he got sprayed by Stay Puft. And I think Jay or Deb or someone already verified earlier this season in the comments that Stay Puft didn't do it. Or did I dream that?

What the heck? I just checked my sitemeter to make sure I had the right url for Jay & Deb (because they make me feel good every day by clicking the link from their blog to mine, and they probably don't read it, they just do it to help my fragile little ego, because they're nice like that), and in scanning my referrers? I just had a referral from someone searching the web for "baby penis." First off, what kind of sick @#$% is searching for baby penises? Huh? Who are you, you putrid overlord of scum? Second of all... how did that lead them to my blog?

Who knows what kind of rambling post of mine got me a "baby penis" hit. Whatever. I found a Carefree strip with the Monster cables behind the TV stand this week! Nothing shocks me anymore! Nothing!

Oh dear. More songs from the men on their way to the sweet by and by. Paullagen is standing and dancing, and the boys are doing some kind of Temptations dancing. Oh good, that segment's over. Go meet Lord Xenu. He awaits you.

Go to americanidol.com for information on making your band famous. Any kind of band.

(DJ) Barry B., Blake Lewis, and Dougy Fresh (or Doug E. Fresh, if you please) are out to perform together. Dougy Fresh being the original human beatbox, of which he reminds us a million bazillion times throughout the performance. Wow. Just wow. Other than Blake doing that whole "OMG" riff, that was freaking amazing.

Ryan says it's just like the days of Justin and Kelly. Indeed. Frank and I watched a replay of that finale on the local Fox channel the other night. Kelly and Tamyra were pretty much the only not-tonedeaf ones, from what we heard.

Sweet. Frank just said they're coming out with a singing game for the Wii. Wiiii!

The Golden Idols:

Most Original Vocal. Nominees are Nicholas Zitzmann (that awful Unchained Melody kid who truly thinks he can sing, and he should win, hands down); Sandie Chavez (Black Velvet girl who had Marcus Dixon talking in her ear or something, because she totally kept holding her ear--also thought she could sing, but she's no Zitzmann); Sholandric Stallworth (thought he was Luther Vandross, truly thought that, and changed keys unwittingly). What? How did Sholandric Stallworth win? They must not have been able to get Zitzmann or Chavez to come back, because Stallworth is 3rd place. Ryan has him go to the front of the stage and take a singing request from Randy to sing. Randy requests "Silent Night," because it's the holidays. And Sholandric sings, "Silent night, holy night. All is palm..." Palm. All is palm. A'ight, then.

Now the top six girls are out to sing in their second wedding dresses. "I Heard it Through the Grapevine," though by the looks of those dresses, I was bracing for Xanadu. Gladys Knight arrives. Yes! She rebelled and wore a black and white top! Go Gladys! She looks awesome, sounds awesome. Haley is wearing more clothes than she wants to. Melinda and LaKisha are singing right alongside Gladys, and everyone else is pipping during "Midnight Train to Georgia." Man, I've missed The Glock. And there's Stephanie, Melinda, LaKisha, Jordin, and Haley. I had to name them all, because I named all the guys, and I'm nothing if not fair.

We're back. On the biggest show in the world. And Tony Bennett, who totally bailed the night after Tony Bennett performance night with the flu, which I have no reason to doubt he had, is out to perform. Y'all, when I'm not listening to country, I'm listening mostly to this kind of music and a little to pop. He's doing "For Once in My Life." Aw, heck yeah, that was awesome, y'all. I applauded right here in the livingroom and everything. He wins American Idol Season Yawn. That man can still wail. Am I gushing? I can stop now. Frank, the CD is called "For Once in My Life." Yes, please.

Golden Idol:

Nominees for Best Buddies: Jonathan and Kenneth (yeah, they win--these are the guys from Seattle, Simon called one a bush baby); Amanda and Antonella ("Because God likes good people"); Simon and Ryan (no, you're gay!). Ryan says to Simon, "You don't have an Emmy, and you don't have one of these either." Oh, snap!

And what happens next... um... ok, so... playing up? that Simon called the kid a bush baby? We want to do that? I mean, I guess he signed the big disclaimer and all that, but not the big AI shining moment this season. So... Jonathan and Kenneth come out to accept the award, and they tell everyone that they've been doing the red carpet everywhere, they've been on lots of shows, tons of interviews, lots of fame over this, blah blah blah. Ryan asks Kenneth how he felt about Simon calling him a bush baby. Ryan, did you miss that episode? See, I watched it, and Kenneth said lots of stuff about it. Basically, he was mad. He went on Kimmel to tell how he felt, everyone saw it. It was all over the news shows, even Fox News. There was a huge to-do. I blogged it. You missed all that? Where were you? Chasing chicks? No, that's not it... KENNETH: You said it, and now I am where I am today. So yay. Lighten up. I have. I forgive you. SIMON: Thank you. Nice to have you back. KENNETH: (quite sure Simon didn't hear this the first time, so he now grabs that microphone really good) Lighten up, Simon. (puts on sunglasses) I have. (Kenneth is so proud of himself and quite sure that he is the World's Coolest Not Bush Baby right now.) SIMON: (to Pauler) What'd he say? I couldn't hear him. PAULA: I don't know. (She's so over this segment.)

Ok, so Ryan moves it along, tells Simon that Kenneth was just complimenting him, right? And then... I'm not joking, y'all. On the screen, they show what a real bush baby looks like. RYAN: I want you to look at the screen. This is what a real bush baby looks like. SARAHK: Nuh-uh. They are not doing that. Do they really wanna... Uh. Huh. (It gets better.) RYAN: And we have sponsored one on your behalf at the Milwaukee Zoo, in your name. SARAHK: Awkward! (Even Kenneth looks a little patronized by this.) Double awkward! RYAN: Its official name is on record as Simon. (Simon gives them a standing ovation as they leave the stage.)

Whew. Glad that's done.

Now Melinda Doolittle (yay!) is out to sing with BeBe and CiCi Winans, for whom she used to sing backup. They sing "Hold Up the Light." It's about saving the world, but I can't really understand much more than that. I know they should all pronunciate better. But Melinda is smiling ear to ear singing about people dying, but I think she's just starstruck, because hey, she used to sing backup for them! And now she's singing right up front with them! I don't blame her. Carrie, Martina, Celine, Sara Evans and I could sing about dead kittens, and I would be crying tears of joy.

Crappy Ford commercial is outtakes of all the top ten from previous commercials to "Time After Time."

Jordin and Blake both get Ford Mustangs.

Carrie Underwood is onstage with her fiddler and three guys on acoustic guitar to sing that not-to-be-outdone acoustic version of "I'll Stand by You." I'm so mesmerized. She's gorgeous, her voice is flawless. I love it when her fiddler solos--she always looks at him when he does so, and she looks at him with such admiration. They should get married and make musical babies. Unless he's already married, in which case she should stop looking at him like that. Until the very end of the song, when the cameras panned out, I thought she was wearing this stunning straight brown/beige gown with just the right amount of shiny on it. It's actually a floor-length top that splits in the front to reveal jeans? But it's fully formal gownish everywhere except where there's no dress. And I know y'all will be shocked--I still like it. Even though it's strapless (her hair covers where the dress doesn't). This can mean only one thing: I have a girl-crush on Carrie Underwood.

I can't wait for her next album. I wonder when it comes out.

Wow, Daughtry #1 selling artist of the year last year. Double platinum. And has been in the top ten for six months. Clive Davis is going on and on about all the amazing talent out of American Idol and the songwriters that write great songs for the Idols. Oh look! Ace Young! I can go to bed now. It's what I was waiting for.

Oh. Forgot to tell y'all earlier. The Hoff is in the audience. So we can get some tears later maybe. :-D

And then he starts talking about Carrie Underwood's achievements and how she's won pretty much every award out there this year, because she rocks it (country style). And he's there to present a special plaque-trophy thingy to her, because her first album has now gone... (and this is a true sunglasses moment, so much so that I want to fly to Hollywood and give Clive some sunglasses right now so he can put them on--no, scratch that. I want to fly David Caruso out there so he can do the whole moment himself. It's that good.) Her first album has gone... (sunglasses on or off--you choose)... six-times platinum. SIX TIMES. Six million album sales. Poor girl, Pennywise is holding one end of her plaque when she comes out to accept it (Chris R has the other end, so that's coo').

Carrie thanks everyone, including the fans and AI (she's obviously short on time, because she has to kiss Ryan real quick and get off the stage).

Now's the part of the show where they're gonna talk about Idol Fantastically Gives Back to the Whole Wide World again. And oh crap, the African Children's Choir is here to sing and dance around for us, which means I'm going to have another urging to adopt a cute little black child. Just look at them! Tell me white kids are that cute! You can't do it, because you'd be liars. Liars! Plus, these kids dance way better. And if we adopt a little black girl, no one will ask, "Where do you get that butt from?" They'll just assume it came from me. Oh, they were so CUTE! I want one to hug and squeeze!

The movie trailer guy does Sanjaya like a movie trailer. And he's performing with Joe Perry from Aerosmith. That's just wrong. And they have the big fans to blow his hair around. And he does not deliver, because his hair is boring, so we're just left with his hair and the crying plant girl. At least Joe Perry has a solo, right? Except Sanjaya keeps thinking it's about him and getting all up in Perry's space.

And now Green Day is going to perform a song to save Darfur. If it weren't Green Day, I'd consider listening, because I think Darfur is a sad, sad situation. But Green Day makes me want to throw stuff, and I've already finished spackling everything, so I may fast-forward. I guess I'll listen until the lyrics start ticking me off. Well, the good news is I can't understand a word that guy's singing except "a working class hero is something to fear," and I don't know what the heck that's supposed to mean, so it doesn't anger me. I'm just like, whatever dude. Carefree strips and monster cables. And it has a nice sound. I'd play this in the background while painting or getting a massage, since I can't understand it. Oh look, there's John Lennon on the screen. Wait, now it sounds like "a working class hero is something to pee in." Still, whatever, man.

Ooh! Harry Potter trailer. I'm so hopeful. I'm just setting myself up for disappointment. 'Sokay. Eight days later, I'll be reading Deathly Hallows.

Taylor Hicks, look, he's here! I thought he was too good for us anymore! And he's singing "Heaven Knows," and I'm pretty sure he just forgot the words to his own song for a second. Wow. That is a brave jacket. Very Cirque du Soleil. And yes, he keeps forgetting the words. Dude, it's your own song! I voted for you all season! At least he's playing the harmonica at the end. And you know what, Soul Patrol? Y'all can just deal with it, it's true, he was forgetting the words. Don't look at me, *I* didn't forget them!

Jordin is out in her Disney Princess dress (Sleeping Beauty to be exact), singing "You're All I Need to Get By" with Ruben Studdard. Rowdi is thoroughly ticked off about this. Barking mad dog.

Einstein.

Pirates!

Brad Garrett is at AI. And Bette Midler is singing "Wind Beneath My Wings." Fast forward. That song has funereal meanings for me. Oh, also Bette makes me want to cut myself. I didn't FF, though. And it wasn't good. Maybe she sent Joy Behar in her place. I don't know. Anyway, only fifteen minutes left. Let's rejoice in that. My tailbone hurts, and my dog is grunting a LOT.

There is an Idol performance now, of "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band" by Joe Perry and Kelly Clarkson. She's wearing clothing from the Haley Scarnato Clothing Line on her top half. Next is Taylor Hicks, singing "Day in the Life". Apparently this is a Beatles tribute. I'm so glad it's not an Elvis tribute. Then Carrie sings "She's Leaving Home" backed up by the top six girls from this year. And yes, she's about two inches away from a hoo-hah dress. Shame. I'm losing that girl-crush already. Oh well, we had a good run. It looks like Fantasia is the only past winner not here for the finale. She's doing The Color Purple (no understudy? This is American Idol. It made you.). Ruben sings "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds" (the only awful part of the Beatles medley). Then they're all doing "With a Little Help from My Friends." Blake is wearing a marching band uniform.

And that's the show. The entire last act is not on the DVR. So... congratulations... you... guy or girl who won. See you next year!

Ok, I know y'all don't wanna have to watch this torture-fest yourselves, so I'm finding the video for you. CNN's website is too stupid for me. I said show me video of Jordin winning (oops, spoiler alert!), and it tried to show me which Idols have had the biggest success. Carrie, Kelly, and non-winner Clay. Duh, I don't need to watch your stupid video that you tried to force upon me, dufusface. Dangit, I wanna see the Hoff cry again. Stand by.

Forget it. I want the whole last act. I want from last commercial until they go to the House rerun or whatever was after American Idol tonight. So I can give you details. It's just not up yet, that I can find. Not even on SlowTube, at least not at the top of the page, and I'm not sifting through seven pages of crap. It's 3:10 a.m.! What I go through for y'all.

ARGH! I'm so unhappy about this. I want to see it. I'm even more unhappy about the fact that I want to see it. I don't think I could have cared less about this season (well, maybe I could have, but not after Melinda got booted). But I do it for y'all. It's a service. Mmhmm.

BTW, I was watching the Fox News videos about American Idol, hoping they would show me anything worth writing about. The fartface interviewing the top ten kids? He asked The Doo, "So, do you think you'll go back to backup singing now?" Tool of the Week Award goes to you, good sir. Someone do me a favor and go kick that guy in the nads.

SarahK, tripping on Tulips (code word for Fiery Habanero Doritos)-- OUT!

Is American Idol. What? Did you think I was going to say "is your lucky day. Melinda Doolittle getting kicked off was all your nightmare, and in fact, it's a catfight tonight between the Doo and Jordin"? Better yet, the Doo and the Glock. Or the Doo and that Baylie chick who always forgot the words and didn't make the top 24.

Denise Richards is in the audience. I think we're supposed to be happy. I can't remember. Did she steal Heather's guy, or the other way around? I can't remember which one I'm supposed to hate. I think it's Denise. Booo! Hiss! Queen of putrescence!

Frank just reminded me that we could go with Our Mrs. Reynolds, Saffron. No spices. "Hi, Turmeric Fleming here, reporting live from Antarctica, which no longer exists, here in the future, because we're all dead due to global warming, and Antarctica melted long ago because Al Gore wouldn't stop blowing hot air."

Maybe we're better off with animals and the names we give them. And no, I'm not pregnant, it's only come up now because I'm suddenly freaking out that if we have babies or adopt that adorable little black child we saw on the American Idol Super-Fantastic Charity Challengeathon, Frank will want to name him or her Rocky Outcrop Fleming or Dill Weed Fleming. I'm going to have nightmares. I guess it's better than nightmares about cockroaches, though.

They're in the super-huge Oscar theater, the Kodak. Ryan says "It's another Battle of the Sexes. We've had Justin & Kelly, Bo & Carrie, Taylor & Kat, and now Blake & Jordin." And don't forget Ruben & Clay (kidding! I totally heart Clay!) and Simon & Ryan (no, you're gay!).

Wow. Ok, so the judges must have watched Best Week Ever this week and saw how disappointed everyone was in the judges this season. I totally agree with what BWE said, too. Because when the season started, I was so excited. Paula was off the hook on the local morning talk shows, plus when they started the auditions, she was just ugly to the contestants. Perfect snarky television, a SarahK's dream, y'all! Then they just tanked. It was like this. RANDY: Yo dawg, it wasn't your best performance. (or) You blew it out the box! (or) I don't know man, for me it was just a'ight. I don't know. (or) Melinda, you're our resident pro! Paula? PAULA: How do you feel? Do you feel great? You know what I love about you? Your boots. And that you just get out there, and you're you. You be you. And you're not someone who's not you. (or) You look beautiful, so you should be proud of how you did. (or) Um, I think you need to watch yourself on, um, the low notes [Pennywise], and you look, um... Simon? SIMON: I'm not jumping out of my chair. (or) It was very karaoke. (or) What can I say? (or) I think what Pauler is trying to say is... (or) Melinda, it was great. (or) Melinda, it was fantastic. (or) Melinda, you were outstanding. Far and away the best of the night, in a different league from the rest of the competition tonight. (or) LaKisha, you're out of everyone's league. (or) Haley, smart move not wearing clothes.

Anyway, you know they watched BWE, because they really want people to remember why we love the judges. Randy is wearing a Confederate soldier jacket or somesuch, with brass buttons and chains and everything. Pauler looks like she just rolled out of bed, threw on the outfit that the emcee from The Haunted Mansion at Magic Kingdom wears, drove to the theater with the top down on the car, and pumped in some collagen. Simon looks dashing and full of chest in his Big Event Low-Cut Jacket and Pressed Shirt Ensemble. You know the one.

Ryan asks Pauler if she's ok, because it was in the news that she broke her nose last night. "Are you ok? Are you just bruised?" PAULER: I'm just bruised. I tripped over my dog Tulip. SARAHK: We're not naming our children Tulip either. FRANK: I didn't want to. PAULER: Tulip's fine. SARAHK: Tulip? Must be a matching mitzy dog. RYAN: So the bitch is ok. SARAHK: You and Simon have started up already?

Ryan said the songwriting contest winners (I never even checked out the entries) came from Seattle. Also the finalists. Not the top two, mind you. Just the two finalists. Wow, Blake's hair was spiiiiiiky.

So Blake won the coin toss last week, and he said to Jordin, "Do you wanna go first?" because you know... you always want to go last in the finale. Duh. Jordin said, "Nuh-uh!" and Blake said, "Ok, I'll go first." Dude, you won the coin toss. He doesn't want to win. Before even hearing them, I pronounce Jordin the winner, because Blake has loseritis. He doesn't deserve it if he doesn't even care enough to go second.

So tonight they each sing three songs. One is their favorite. One is something they haven't sung on this show before. And one is the winner of the songwriting competition. The song is called... wait for it... it is a pure American Idol-worthy title, and no, I don't deserve to make fun of it, because I didn't write a song and try to compete in this, and no, I haven't even heard it yet. But based on this song title, it sounds like it's gonna be right up there with "Inside Your Tear Ducts." It's called...

"This is My Now." You don't own "now"s. You own stuff like houses and TVs and even hamburgers right before you eat them. Ok, that's all I will say by way of making fun until I have heard the song. Maybe...

01 Blake is first doing "You Give Love a Bad Name," which was one of his best all season. The beatboxing is better on this than it was the first time he did it (especially on that duelling part with the drummer, man, that was so fantastically ridiculously awesome, yes--I am giving it up for Blake, shut up), and it was good then. No doubt, he is an excellent beatboxer, like Justin Timberlake good. Yeah, I said it, I went there. I've got every CD 'NSYNC ever put out memorized, kids (including the Christmas one, yo), and Blake is on par in the beatboxing department. The singing wasn't that good. I mean, it was on pitch for the most part, but his voice seems like it's a little fatigued. He had the Chris Richardson Bobbing Microphone Syndrome for a lot of the song, probably because he was trying to get into the crowd a little more than he usually does, and that seemed to throw him off. He even said, "I play my part, and I play your game." Either a screw-up, or he's trying to say, look at me, I'm being good and doing what good little AI contestants are supposed to do. I'm working the crowd. Praise me for it, judges. RANDY: Yo yo, here's the deal. I can't even hear myself talk. (Major standing O.) I give you a 10 out of 10 on the beatboxing. The singing for me was just alright. SARAHK: I know, right? PAULA: I'm gonna go clean Randy's ears out for him, because he's hearing something that we're not hearing. You outdid yourself, you were far superior to when we were at CBS (or CVS? is she talking about pharmaceuticals or a television studio?). I wish I could give you a ten plus ten plus ten plus ten. SARAHK: Where were you all season, Crazy Allegedly Drugged Up Pauler with the Nappy Hair? I've missed you so! You've been holding out! SIMON: Blake, you're not the best singer in the competition, but you are the best performer that we've had in the competition. SARAHK: I'll agree with that. And actually, when he's on, his singing voice is loverly. Remember that Keane song? Not much comes to mind since then that I loved, but anyway, I know he can sing. SIMON: Somewhere in the middle there, I thought the performance was great, the energy amazing, I thought the singing actually was a bit flat, I felt you were shouting. But I don't think it matters, because it was your best performance three or four weeks ago. SARAHK: Well, three or four weeks ago, the Doo was still here, too, and now you totally just harshed my mellow, Simon, and I think that's a drug reference, which is kind of silly and irrelevant of me to make, because I've never done a drug.

I just asked Frank to close the patio door, because he's going to bed without me so I can watch and blog this. Because you live for it, remember. I've told you as much. "But Sydney's out on the patio." "Would you mind getting her, please?" He looked at me all surprised, then looked down at himself and back at me, like I didn't already know what he was wearing. He's wearing only Homer Simpson boxers. "I don't think people are out on the golf course staring in at our patio. And if they are, they're sick." He is cute in those boxers, though. But you quit picturing it, ladies. He's MINE!

02 Jordin is starting with the song she's never done before. She's doing Christina Aguilera's "Fighter." That's a hard song to sing, I would never ever be brave enough to attempt it. Especially not on All Finale's Eve. Ok, first off she looks great. I LOVE that top she has on. I would wear it if it were a little less spaghetti-strappy. But I love that fade-to-black bottom-to-top thing. Very upside-down freshly-dipped paintbrushy. Not that everything I see reminds me of paint and paintbrushes or anything. Hair looks great. I love her hair any way she wairs it. Oh my, look how I spelled wairs. That's *wears*, people. *wears* Ahem. Now to the singing. I don't know if it's our sound because we only have the center speaker plugged in (but all the sound is just coming out of that instead of splitting to 5.1, so it should be fine), but she sounds very exposed, I can hardly hear the band, and the sound on this one is just bad. It wasn't that way on Blake's song, so I don't think it's our sound. Jordin keeps grabbing at her hair like she's really feeling gritty about how much stronger she feels and how she's such a nitty gritty dirty fighter because of whatever the song says. That's all fine and good, but Jordin, you really look like you're in pain. Not like you're stronger--like you've just tripped over Tulip. Who is fine, by the way. The beginning of the song, she seems like she's just working to get all those fast words out, and I would be too. Very courageous song to sing on Finale Eve, like I said. Then there's a little bridge before she does the last chorus, and she's actually getting screechy and trying to be all Christina-y. Here's the thing: It is so hard to do Christina songs even at karaoke bars in East Fort Worth at 1 a.m. where you're the only not-drunk person in the bar and they will give anyone who can carry a tune in a bucket a standing ovation for the simple act of not falling off the stage before the end of the song. And on American Idol? She's just too good, and we're just too picky as AI fans. And with the band laying out like it's doing (seriously, why is Jordin so exposed here? It sounds almost like she is singing with a bad copy of a copy of an audition tape, and cassette tape at that), you can't do all those runs where you just sing one note and trill and bang and pop and whir your voice beautifully and incoherently until the end of the song. You have to have a bunch of underneath stuff to sing over, or it doesn't work, and where are the backup singers? They're barely even there when they have a solo. IS IT JUST ME? I'm almost getting angry at them. And ouch, that is a screeeeeeechy note there, Jordin. I give an A for effort, a C for that screechy note which was going pretty well until then, an F to the band and sound technicians, and an F to her BFFs who allowed her to pick that song. At the very least, she should have cut it off much earlier. Woo. Look at Jordin's hot mama. She has her hair all done up for the Finale Eve, and she is even prettier than usual. There is no question where Jordin gets her looks. RANDY: Check it out (repeat 4x). This is a very interesting night tonight. I feel like we've got the great entertainer. SARAHK: Billy Joel? RANDY: against the great singer. SARAHK: Celine Dion? Shut up! She has an awesome voice, and I don't care how crazy she is! I know she's a little off and loves to sing with dead people and get photographed with other people's neckid newborn babies, but I love her voice, and I cried when I saw her in concert. Cried! So just... SO'S YOUR FACE! RANDY: I mean, it wasn't your greatest entertainment thing, but your voice, I mean, that was stellar. You got the vocal! (x2) PAULA: I knew that this was gonna be one of the best finales ever. SARAHK: Yes, I'll put it in the top six for sure. Of all time, even. Top six of all time. PAULA: And the two of you opening up the show tonight proved it. You were stellar. Awesome. SIMON: Jordin, on a positive note, I think it's great that you chose a younger song, because you are only 17. SARAHK: Is she? I hadn't heard that. SIMON: I thought that the vocals were a bit shrieky in the middle. (Boos from audience, agreement from SarahK.) SIMON: (Puts on his sunglasses)... I'm gonna call... round one... (takes off his sunglasses)... to Blake.

Look, there's Constantine making love to the camera, nodding thoughtfully, and pretending he's there for anything other than publicity. And look at me giving it to him.

RYAN: What do you think, Paula. PAULA: I'm a blubbering allegedly doped up mess, but it's only because I allegedly tripped over Stargazer. You're not gonna get me to say anything but it's an amazing tie! SARAHK: Amazing! RANDY: Performance to Blake, vocals to Jordin. SARAHK: Roughly translated, that means that without the beatboxing, Jordin would have kicked Blake's pinkies and his toes all over Hollywood, Dawg. And I have to go with Blake because even though she did more vocally, so much was wrong with her performance. There was more right with Blake's than wrong.

Ugh. Only 20 minutes in. I'm sleepy.

Blake asked for a drumset growing up and never got one. In high school he heard someone beatboxing and decided he wanted to learn. Come on, Blake, you know you learned it from 'NSYNC. It's ok. No one will be mad.

Ok. So Blake's second song is "She Will Be Loved" by Maroon 5. I love pretty much every song off Songs About Jane. I would have loved for Blake to sing anything by Five for Fighting here, because he just did Maroon 5, what, last week? Anyway, yeah, his vocal chords are done now. He's having a hard time even getting the notes out. He still manages to get through the song, but I don't know how he's going to get through the song about Owning Now. Boy needs some whiskey and honey or something. If he played hockey, I'd say give him saline IVs, but I don't think those will work for him right now. He's gonna have to hope that 1) Jordin screws up royally; 2) Melinda's fans are totally ticked off that Melinda's not in the Finale Eve, so they vote for Blake to spite the one girl left in the competition; 3) his little teener girls are mindlessly pushing the buttons no matter what, because they love him more than fake crying plant girls love Sanjaya. One more thing about the performance: he should pull up those pants. His butt sticks out as it is (says the holder of the world record for Most Junk in Trunk), and having everything falling out everywhere in the back just accentuates the issue. RANDY: Yo, check it out dawg, baby. Great song, and a very nice vocal. I love just hearing you sing nice and pure like that. SARAHK: You heard where he could barely finish his notes because he needs a Halls, right? Are you patronizing him? And why are you still wearing the Confederate jersey? Hey look, it's Doyle! And he's all healed from his explosion! Awesome, I'm glad he's not blind. PAULA: It's good that the big number stop it Simon still we're in the Kodak Theater and he starts up the first number's out of the way this really sits you like really got into the ease of the song it starts up you sound great relaxed you sound great out there! BLAKE: (look on his face is priceless--mwhuh?) Thank you. (I think?) SARAHK: Where was freaking Tulip all season long?? Hunting squirrels? Sniffing other mitzy dog butts? What the heck, Pauler? This is why you're on the show, and you've not been bringing it like this all season. I'm really disappointed, because now I know you can do it, and you've just been sandbagging. I'm sending you 20 Tulips FedEx tomorrow, and don't lose them. Or you're getting voted off and replaced by someone who can be crazy all the time and wants the job:Fear the Lohan, Pauler. Seriously, she'll show up late, drunk, everything. And then go on Martha Stuart, where Martha will totally call her on her partying, and I will shriek in glee. Nigels! Get on it! This is the Pauler we want, or we want Lohan. Or Britney. "Um, there was like, too much singing in your singing. And your microphone is too big. And you don't sound like a squeaky mouse. And I just caught a bug in a jar for fun and dropped my baby on his head. Huh? Huh?" Pauler needs to own it. Just be you, Pauler. SIMON: It was good, safe, it wasn't as good as the first performance. I actually wouldn't have chosen that song in the final, because I don't think it makes that much of an impact. (Ryan says Blake has never seen an AI finale. Poser!) SARAHK: Is no one going to mention that he's really hoarse? Should I go relisten? Ouch. On the relisten, I noted not only the cracky, hoarsey voice but also mega pitch issues. But man, he has such a pretty tone to his voice. I do love the sound of it.

Oooh. Jordin's doing Martina McBride after the break. If she does "A Broken Wing" at least as well as she did it the first time, she wins. This was probably her best song all season, so she has a good shot. Especially since Blake has no voice left.

Jordin always wanted to sing. She's happy.

02 Jordin is singing "A Broken Wing." Looks great. Nice almost-navy top that's almost to her knees (is that a new trend I'm missing or something?) over jeans. Modest, lovely. Eek, there's some kind of dove or something on the back of her kimonoblouse. Whatever that is, Daniel-san. Jordin fight for Miyagi-do Karate. She's got that crazy nervous goat vibrato thing going on throughout the song, but at least she has a voice left. I'm hating tonight, because I really feel like I should be giving Jordin nice props for being good but not as great as Melinda, who is going to win. There's the money note at the end, and it's pretty good. I think she did this one better the first time, but she wasn't in front of as many people at the Kodak. I still give Round Two to Jordin. Aww. She made her mom cry, which kinda made me cry. RANDY: Yo. So check it out. (Tivo glitch.) Something about her being the most talented 17 year-old. Age ain't got nothin' ta do with it. You gotta know, girl, you can blog. [Ed: Um, I think he probably said sing, and this was either a freudian slip where I was pretending Randy was judging me--see, there's a reason I go back and re-read what I wrote the next day--or I just accidentally wrote "blog" instead of "blow." Because I don't think the contestants are allowed to blog while they're on the show.]Yo, that was flawless. SARAHK: If she can get the vibrato under control, she can sing it flawlessly. RANDY: I think better than the original. SARAHK: Whoa whoa whoa, now you can just get on out of the building, you Confederate tuxedo peddler. And WHY has no one in wardrobe or makeup told you that the outfit looks ridiculous? Better than the original? Uh, no. PAULA: Jordin, you look adorable, but I've gotta tell you, you are in great great vocal voice tonight. SARAHK: Vocal voice. You know, sometimes people are in non-vocal voice. Actually, I guess there are mimes who, when they're doing their little trapped-in-boxes routines, would argue that they have non-vocal voices, but I think Pauler's just tripping on Tulips tonight. If you know what I'm saying, wink-wink. She doesn't know what in the world is floating out of her vocal voice chords. She's just happy she stumbled her way into the theater. PAULA: You're soaring, you're soaring. SARAHK: Just like Pauler! SIMON: Now that was good. SARAHK: Yes it was. She should clearly win. I mean, if we don't count Melinda.

Oh look! Jennifer The Queen of the World Hudson has graced us with her presence. How kind of her.

Scott something and Someone Peabody from Seattle won the songwriting contest. Guys--y'all are gonna make a boatload of money off this song. Even if it sucks. Which I don't know, because I haven't heard it yet. But I have seen the title. Congratulations, really.

Rowdi just sighed and grunted, because we're about to hear "This is My NOW" for the first time. Rowdi says, "This is my sleep time."

01 Blake sings it first. What is with the argyle sweaters tonight? I feel like he's sewn a ton of socks together for Finale Eve. I mean, is there a special store? Argyle Addicts Attic? "This is my now, and I am breathing in the moment. As I look around, I can't believe the love I see. My fears behind me. Gone are the shadows and doubt that was there..." Deep breaths, SarahK. Deep breaths. I mean, it's a good boy band song. Good enough for Backstreet Boys and 98 Degrees. Not 'NSYNC-worthy. Definitely more of a girl song, and I feel for Blake having to sing this, I do, but he is sooo going at this halfway. Like "Uh, yeah, I'll sing it, but I'm going to project to everyone that I'm way too cool for it." He tries this wacky jumping gyrating to the side thing in the middle of it that just kind of makes it worse and brings back the CRBM Disease. Ha, I have a Randy Jackson in the Confederacy jacket freeze-frame right now. I cannot get over that ridiculous jacket. For the rest of my life, I think I'll always think of Randy when I hear the word "Gettysburg." Anyway, Blake's voice is back, but he's not even trying to pretend to try to sing this song. Hey Blake, you knew you were going to have to sing a crappy pop song (which, btw, is already growing on me) if you made it to the finals when you signed on. Don't act all surprised. Anyway, I think Jordin's gonna punch Blake in the face with this song, because it's just her kind of song.

On the way to Lowe's today, Frank was asking me what kind of songs each will have to sing to win it all. "Oh, Blake will have to beatbox some and do some smoothy smooth lovely vocals some. But he has that vacant-headed teenager vote no matter what, so some of his voters are going his way whether he does well or not. I mean, he looks like a skunk now and still made it to the finals. They don't even care about his hair! They're going on past looks and past singing. They're going on two songs and the dream of what he could look like if they wash that skunk right out of his hair." "What about Jordin?" "I'm glad you asked. Jordin will have to sing Disney songs. Not actual Disney songs, necessarily, but the kinds of songs that you can imagine playing over the end credits of a Disney movie or a big love-theme epic like Titanic or some such movie. Songs with big money notes. Oh, and 'Broken Wing.' She definitely needs to do that one again, it was probably her best one this year."

Anyway. Blake basically ignored the song and was pitchy when he half-sang it. He wants to lose this thing. (Chris Sligh is sooo cheering him at the end of the song.) RANDY: Yo, ok, so Blake. I know something here. SARAHK: Sure ya do. RANDY: This isn't normally the type of song that probably suits your voice. You did ok. It was just a'ight, man, just a'ight. You don't have to feel that bad about it. SARAHK: Maybe if you would have tried singing it... PAULA: Even if it's not the genre of music you like or enjoy, I think you did a great job on the song. (Blake is just smiling a big, fake smile that says, "It is such a dumb girl song. I feel like I should be wearing a dress." SarahK says, "Maybe if you tried wearing the dress, got more into character, you would have actually sung it?") SIMON: I thought it was all a little odd. SARAHK: So's your face! SIMON: How did you feel? (Blake just smiles all blank. Nothing there. Maybe I'll call him Blank.) SIMON: All the jumping around in the middle... (Blake laughs and looks like he's trying to hide something. Hmm. I'll ask the question on your minds...) SARAHK: Did you feel like he farted on stage and was trying to spread the smell around so it would be gone by the time Ryan got up there so Ryan wouldn't say anything? SIMON: You looked a bit frustrated. The truth is, it's not a bad song, just not the type of song you would normally sing. I think we have to judge you tonight on your first two songs, because there's more than one song in the competition. SARAHK: Thennnn why have him sing the third? SIMON: But I've gotta say, I always said there was talent in Seattle, and I was right. (That's a lie.)

Blake says he thinks it's the first time Simon's lied. RYAN: You did the best you could do with that song, it was hard for you, huh? BLAKE: Yeah. Yeah. RYAN: He's biting his tongue. SARAHK: He's being diplomatic. It's nice of him. Except that, in a way, you can tell what he wants to say, so it would almost be more diplomatic for him to say, "Yeah, well, it's not my comfortable genre, and I did what I could considering that it stretched my range as much as it did, and I'm sure the songwriters are interested to see Jordin's take on it." You don't say you like it, etc.

Ryan says if you want to download the winning song, you can get that at americanidol.com. I provide a service by telling you this. Snicker.

02 Jordin is singing "This is My NOW." I wish she would change the words. "This is my cow, and I am shoveling manu-re. As I look around, I can't believe the hay she eats. Her rear's gigantic. No wonder she can't find a bull.. to make her complete... This is my cow." Not bad for a one-minute parody at 3:30 a.m. I hate the dress Jordin is wearing. Love the earrings. Yeah, this is much better than Blake's rendition. Money notes all over the end half of the song. I'm still wondering why the band keeps leaving Jordin exposed. Ugh, I can't get over the grammar of this song. Oh! Choked up at the end when Jordin is trying not to cry so she can finish singing. The first half was a little pitchy and shaky, but the second half was much better. Jordin wins the night and the title. If she can get that vibrato under control, she'll be a great Idol. RANDY: Blah blah blah AI is the best singing competitionever in the history of television, bar none, blah blah blah, I can't feel my legs I'm so happy, that was fire! There's a fire! SARAHK: Why have they shown Constantine 20 times tonight? Who cares about him? Is he paying them to do that? RANDY: You were the best singer tonight! SARAHK: Yes. Pauler, make me proud. It's your last one of the season. Trip on Tulips. PAULA: Jordin, I said before and I don't know what to say and you frickin' make me proud and I look over to the left and I see your parents, and I see them singing along with you, and I see the joy on their faces, and you have a lot to be proud of, and you're an angel. This is a great night for you. SIMON: Jordin, last week, I am going to be honest with you, I didn't think you were good enough to make the finals. SARAHK: You thought it should be Melinda/Blank? Huh. Tripping on Tulips? SIMON: And I want to say to you publicly now, I was wrong. Because this is, in case we forget sometimes, a singing competition, and you just wiped the floor with Blake on that song. SARAHK: Definitely. Of course, she did sing it, that helped. Oh, stop crying, for crying out loud, Jordin. RANDY: Yo! Yo! Yo! SARAHK: Fetch him his yo yo, he's lost it. Hey look! Kathy Griffin! And she's nodding and all teary-eyed in the audience.

I give it to Jordin. Blake's beatboxing "You Give Love a Bad Name" was outstanding, but his vocals on all three songs were not good. Just keeping it real, dawg. And look at him in all that argyle! What is going ON? Jordin came out and acted like she wants it. For one, she didn't go shopping in her dad's '70s closet for her clothes. Her first song was a little messy, but the second and third were pretty good for a Finale Eve show. Remember, Finale Eve shows tend to suck. Remember Carrie and Bo were both pretty bad that night? Anyway, Jordin came out and sang her butt off, even if it got rough in spots. After the beatboxing was over, Blank didn't seem to care much. And once he got to the 3rd song, I kinda felt like he'd been lying to me in the first two songs, because he sounded all hoarse and cracky in those, and then in song #3, suddenly he had a voice? Not that he used, but it was there. Weird night for him.

Back at the judges' table... Ryan asks Randy something about Simon admitting he was wrong. Suddenly Paula trips on Tulips and shouts out to the stage (the cameras are pointing toward the audience, with all house lights up, mind you), "CHRIS! CHRIS! I LOVE YOU!" Ryan, Randy, and Simon just pretend that nothing is happening in Paula's Crazy Town. Randy says Jordin wins. Paula says everybody is a winner, and I think Daughtry must be onstage about to perform, because Paula says she won't commit, "And you know why? Because what you're about to see onstage tells you the story why." So I'm guessing she's saying that even coming in 4th makes you a winner. Simon says the best individual performance of the night was Blake on the first song, but based on the overall night, Jordin. And Pauler says, "But we're all winners!" And the judges all join in the chorus of "We're all winners! We're all winners! Winning is fun!" Why is that? And Pauler's needling Ryan. "Why is that? Why is that? Why is that?" 'Cause someone else is all losers, I guess.

That was the longest hour-long Finale Eve ever. What a beating.

01 Jordin's all-time favorite song is "Mmm Bop" by Hanson. I had to pause right there because I knew my eye roll would take that long. Yay Tivo! Even the rah rah AI crowd groans. I just got a comment from spacemonkey that Melinda has it all wrapped up, and after the "Mmm Bop" (am I even spelling that correctly?) thing, I have to agree. Earlier today, while I was telling essay (my bff in Texas) about our trip down the coast with two fully-clawed cats and a 60-lb. dog, I took a break from describing what a horrible idea that was to discuss tonight's American Idol. I told her I'm completely out on Blake already but that even though it took me a while to warm up to Jordin, I'm having a hard time deciding between her and Melinda. Essay told me that she still kind of likes Blake, and I told her that there is just no coming back from communism in my eyes.

I have to add to that. There is just no coming back from communism and "Mmm Bop." Melinda wins!

Jordin's like, What? I'm 17! Seacrest says he has the CD in the car. No!

Jordin's next song, chosen by the producers, is "She Works Hard for the Money." Ok, she looks better in this outfit, jeans and a funky navy satin blouse thingy. A little bit of goat vibrato going on at some point. Is it wrong if I don't like this song? It makes me think of strippers. I think it's about waitresses, though. Anyway, this seemed like a sabotage song. Bad choice. RANDY: Yo yo yo. Very nicely done. It doesn't really matter what song you do. That was hot too. SARAHK: It matters to me what song she does, because you can't get a good performance out of a sucky song. Well, some people can, but it didn't happen here. I thought it was just chintzy and disco-y. PAULA: Jordin, you worked hard for the money tonight. SARAHK: That's not even a good bad pun. At least try, Pauler. At least try. SIMON: Actually, it was a very good performance. I think it was a little old fashioned. I think the money note at the end was very good. RYAN: Tonight, Simon is the one not making a lot of sense. SARAHK: So he's the one whose all-time favorite song is "Mmm Bop"?

02 Blake: If there were a movie made about your life, asks Inane Viewer Email, what would the title be, and who would play you? Jim Carrey. RYAN: Because you're tall. BLAKE: No, you're tall. BLAKE: And it would be called Organized Chaos. Producers are having Blake sing "This Love" by Maroon 5. I love this song. That was actually very good. See, that's exactly the kind of song he should have been singing all along, exactly the kind of tone his voice should have had. That was good. RANDY: When you make a record, when you decide to put out an album, that's the kind of song you should sing, that's totally your vibe or something something dawg yeah baby. PAULA: I was hoping that you would do that. You're totally in your element. This is a good night for you. SIMON: I actually preferred that one to the first one, Blake. You sounded very comfortable, it didn't sound like a copycat performance, it was good, yeah. SARAHK: Simon, I love how we're almost always on the same page and stuff. It probably makes you feel special.

03 Melinda's grandparents are in the audience. Who was her idol growing up? Her mommy. Ryan says it doesn't make her grandmothers feel good! The producers want to boost her into the finals with "Nutbush City Limits" by Ike & Tina Turner. I'm already excited before she even starts. And she looks great. This is outstanding. The singing, the dress, the performing, the way she owns the stage, the microphone, the mic stand. I think she messed up, right near the end, almost sang a "city" on a pause, but maybe not. I rewound twice to check it out again and am still not sure if it was her or something the band did. Loved it. RANDY: Yo yo. Once again, when you make your record, you should put some of that in your repertoire, because that will lengthen your career. Yeah yeah. I like that. Little Tina Turner, Simon. PAULA: Did you have fun? You look like you had a blast. What else can we say? We love you we love you we love you I love vodka. SIMON: That's why we hired you for this show, Pauler. Love that side of you. I thought it was, actually, again, another brilliant performance. RYAN: So... who takes that round. RANDY: I'm gonna say Melinda. SARAHK: I give it to Melinda, barely, over Blake. Jordin far behind on this round. Blake close second. PAULA, SIMON: Tie. SARAHK: Tie goes to the runner. I guess that means Melinda, since she's on stage right now.

01 Jordin has a star at the bottom of the escalator at the mall she used to work at. "Now people can walk all over me!" She has chosen to sing "I Who Have Nothing." She sang this earlier this season, right? Someone did, and I'm pretty sure it was her. It might have been the first time I actually liked her, the night she first sang it. This was ok, I can't call it great, because near the end she got a little creaky and scratchy (just keepin' it real, dawg). She did change it up from the first time she did it, which I like. She's still wearing PJs. The vibrato got a little nasty at one spot. But it was still ok. I don't think it was as good as the first time she sang it, because if I'm remembering things right, she shocked me a little that night. RANDY: Listen, I think that was your best performance of the night. Nice control. PAULA: Whatever Randy said. SIMON: There's no disputing the fact that you sang that song very well, but there's a part of me that hated that a 17-year-old sang a 60-year-old song. I wish you'd sang something different. SARAHK: I think she chose the right song. She just flubbed it a little near the end. JORDIN: Um, wasn't Rose Royce in the 70s? SARAHK: She's got you there... I kind of hate that Simon picked a 30-year-old song for her to sing. (Simon does not look pleased.) But now I have to go relisten to that, because I didn't think it was as good as they thought it was. Yeah, and on the relisten, it was even screechier than I remember.

02 Wow. Blake must have wet his pants getting to jam with Sir Mix A Lot. I like big butts, too. I especially like wearing one on my backside. For his last song he's singing "When I Get You Alone" by Robin Thicke. I'm not a fan of this song, I'll say that right off the bat. That said, it looks and sounds like a hard song to sing, and he's doing a good job of it. And when it's over, I'm so happy that it is. RANDY: I see why you chose that. I still like the Maroon 5 vibe better. It was a'ight. PAULA: Three great songs. SIMON: I actually really liked that. Blake, this is what I really liked about you throughout the competition. You take risks. You look like you're having fun. Blah blah blah. SARAHK: I couldn't wait for that song to be over. A station-turner if ever there was one. But you sang it well. What a beating.

03 Melinda got a street named after her in Nashville. And she is singing "I'm a Woman," which is actually what I thought she would sing tonight. I'm smirt. Funny, at the beginning of the song, I can't understand a word she's singing. Diana, she needs to pronunciate! But she gets into her groove, dawg. Spirited, rockin', sexy yet modest. She's gonna win this thing. I think last week I said Jordin could come around and win it all if Melinda doesn't stop being boring? Melinda stopped being boring tonight. So. More of not-the-same from Dooooooo (it goes with the baseball semi-theme, see) next week, ok? And she's the next American Idol. RANDY: Yo yo. SARAHK: Ma! RANDY: I love that I'm seeing the range of Melinda Doolittle. You can sing the phone book. Whatever whatever! PAULA: (I think she said something about vultures and spotlights.) SIMON: Melinda Melinda Melinda. Loved the little striptease at the top. RANDY: What? Striptease? SIMON: Well, she kinda took her jacket off there. SARAHK: Don't worry, dawg, you can watch it back on Tivo! RANDY: Dang, what'd I miss? I was checkin' my notes for how many yos and dawgs I'm supposed to throw in after this performance. Just my luck. It's just like that time I was in the recording studio with Snoop Dogg, my close personal friend, and my other close personal friend Cesar Milan walked by, and I didn't get to say hi to him because I was looking down at my notes! And I had a question about my dog that day, and there was Cesar, and I missed him. This is just like that. SARAHK: I know, that sucks, man. Dawg. SIMON: I wasn't finished! SARAHK: Sorry, dawg. SIMON: We've known each other for what, eleven weeks on this show? I've gotta say, if I'm going to award a place in the finals to the person who has consistently delivered each week, it's you. SARAHK: Yeah, dawg.

Oh yeah. Prediction. I was all prepared to predict that LaKisha's votes get split between Jordin and Melinda... but Jordin was pretty off tonight. I'm predicting a Melinda/Blake finale, even though it should be Melinda/Jordin.

Plus, this guy sang a going home song.

D'oh! Forgot to credit and thank Cadet Happy for the photoshop.

"I'm going out in a blaze of glory..."? Those lyrics didn't send you running from the song, Pennywise? Or should I say Pennydumb?

Ok, on with the show.

And write off thee bat, their's a poster in thee audience that says "Blake Your #1". These our Blakes' fans, kids. *sigh* I love poor grammar humor.

So there is the grimacing Antonella. Seriously, I think she just realized that she's been duped into a live taping of American Idol and not a sneak preview of the new Spiderman movie. Sorry, Antonella.

The Celiac Disease book just fell off the back of the couch and almost landed on my head. I wonder if that's a sign that i'm ready for my biopsy.

Ryan says that once again the results show will be stretched into an hour with no filler; then he looks around and does that pretend whistle thing, followed by a, "Sure." Frank doesn't think he would want Seacrest to joke about it if he were a network exec. I think it's great that they own it, and if I were the exec, I would say, yes, Ryan, own it. Just get out there and make fun of it all. Sanjaya, your own questionable sexuality, Paula's collagen, Paula's vodka-induced crazy, Paula in general, and filler. Oh, and Simon's self-chest massages. Definitely make fun of that. For the love of pete.

Paula just did the "love you!" fingers over her head, and I promise, it looked like she was doing the "shape of an L on her forehead." Simon is shaking Paula's head by her hair. Has ahold of her hair. This is the real reason to watch this show. To watch Pauler's head bob back and forth at Simon's tacit behest. Paula tells Simon that she's not his puppet. Ryan says, "I've seen his puppet, and you're much prettier." Simon looks shocked, chuckles, and looks toward whom I assume is his girlfriend. They almost never show her. He quickly stops smiling, so yes, the girlfriend. Simon and I have both assumed Ryan was referring to the girlfriend as the puppet. TOO MEAN! And no, if I recall from the one or two times I've seen her, Ryan is mistaken. That's all I'm saying, because I don't like to be mean to Pauler unless it involves vodka or collagen, and Pauler would be pretty without those, I think.

They talk about how this was finally a night to watch on AI, how it was a great night for everyone. SarahK interrupts, "You mean except Jordin, of course. Poor girl. It was like Gwen Stefani night ten-fold, but without the Raggedy Ann clothes." Ryan asks Simon about rock night, and Simon says that unless Ryan apologizes for the remark about his girlfriend, he's not going to answer the question. Simon knows which girl to keep happy (Ryan or the girlfriend). Smart man, Simon. Ryan says, "She's your puppet?" and gives a poorly acted performance of "What? That's totally not what I meant. You took it that way? What's wrong with you?" Simon, being classier and/or British (meaning that he has the accent, so he can seem classier whether he is or not), says, "Oh, that's not what you meant? Ok, then, it was a great night, and if I have to give top marks to anyone, it would be Blake, for taking a risk." Blake's like, "Wow," with that ugly black hair he's trying to pull off. It does not work on him. And I'd venture to say that it's annoying his good friend Chris just a little that Blake died his hair dark and is trying to pull off the Five-O-Clock. Just my outsider's opinion. I could be way off. (But I'm a girl of 30 and very smart about people, and there's a look that Chris gives Blake a little later, I had to rewind five minutes, so... um, I could be right.)

They recap last night. Ryan does his man-on-the-street thing. Then they go to the kids on the couch.

Ryan talks to Blake a little first. How does he come up with the arrangements? He uses computer software and makes mashed potatoes out of the music and stuff. Communist mashed potatoes. Ryan asks Jordin about being so awful, and she says yeah, everyone has to have a bad week, and this was mine, and blah blah blah. Pennywise is up next. Ryan says Pennywise wasn't allowed to listen to pop music as a kid? What, he's decided to steal Chris Sligh's backstory to try to make himself more interesting? "We didn't have pop music in the sewers of Derry, Maine." But listen to this gold that comes out of Pennydumb's mouth: "Well, you know... my dad's a pastor... of a church." As opposed to pastors of... well, I guess he could have meant sheep. Ryan asks Kiki what kind of kisser Simon is. "Good! I'd do it again." "No no no. As we heard earlier, he has a girlfriend, and it is very serious. Trust me. I've tried to turn him. I mean... um..." Ok, I added that last part, because I'm still annoyed about the puppet girlfriend ugly comment, so I've decided to question Ryan's sexuality again. It's fun for me. Let me have my fun. He hates it when people question his orientation. Oh, and I say all this in the spirit of "allegedly." Of course.

Ruben Studdard appears on screen briefly to remind you that you can still donate to 1877-IDOL AID. Where was he last week, anyway? Where was Clay? Where was Fantasia? Where was Taylor? Anyway, we/they (I include me, because I practically begged y'all to give last week) raised over $70MM and counting. Yay us!

Ryan asks Melinda what impact the charity event had on her. "Well, I didn't get eliminated, so that was awesome." Naw, I'm just kidding, she didn't say that. She said it was great and all that. She was blessed and felt sunshine and rainbows all around her.

Recap of the previous week's charity show. Officially known as "filler." For unseen footage and details on where the money is going, including John Kleese footage, go to americanidol.com.

Robin Thick(e?) is performing now. Who? All I know is I don't have to sit through that. That's what Tivo is for. Nice smile, though.

Fantasia wants you to give money. She's standing in front of library books. At first I thought that was a strange place to stand. Then I remembered that she came out as being illiterate, and she's learning to read now. So that's kind of cute or poignant or something.

Bad Ford commercial. "Paint It Black". They should not even be doing this song. Gina did that song. She was there last night, and I wished she were onstage singing. She wasn't. :'-( But that was probably one of the cooler Ford videos they've done. And creepiest. And most fitting, for purposes of having a farewell video for Pennywise/Nosphilatu (as the rest of America likes to call him). Have they even *seen* It?

Ryan has some results.

He starts with Melinda, Pennywise, and LaKisha--plucks them right off the front bench. I'm thinking this is where Pennydumb goes home. Oh yeah. I forgot that they are combining last week's votes with this week's votes. Eek, that could kill my predictions. Oh well. I'll stand by them.

He starts with Melinda. So I will start with Melinda. Cue Scooby Doo music.

Melinda tells Jon Bon that she's so bad at rock. He says, "I can teach you." Can you teach me, too? Because I'm really bad at it, too. She's singing "Have a Nice Day," one of the newer songs. He tells her to take it to church. She's like, "I like church!" She tries to do the "I love you" fingers, and she isn't sure which way the fingers should face. It's ok, Melinda, nobody really knows. Onstage, she looks awesome. Jeans, sleeveless shirt with laceup leather on the side (but still modest) that says something I can't read. Brixton? Very uncomfy shoes or boots with stiletto heels. She is rocking and in-your-face and I LOVE her. Best of the night by a hair. BTW, her hair is great. Long and straight. RANDY: Yo yo yo, I don't know if it was your best, but it was great. A little Tina Turner. SARAHK: Definitely Tina Turnery. RANDY: It was hot. PAULA: How does it feel to be a rock star? You're a rock star! Rock on! Rock the house! Rock the vote! Rocks are cool! SIMON: Melinda, it was like a young Tina Turner. Vocally in a different league to everyone else tonight. SARAHK: Agreed. I loved rock night. I only wish The Glock were singing.

Next is Phil. Scooby Doo...

Phil is so excited to be jammin' with Bon Jovi. Maybe not as excited as he was on J-Lo night. Bon Jovi says he nailed it and sounds like he's sung it many times. Phil is singing "Blaze of Glory." He starts in the audience, goes up on the dancy scaffold behind the judges, and eventually gets to stage. Watching it again, it is not as boring as I remember it being. But it's every bit as much a leaving song as I thought. And while it doesn't suck, it is nothing spectacular, and I wish I'd not accidentally looked up at the TV in the middle of the performance. Other than the end note, it is nothing different from the original. Also, when I watched it last night, I remember telling Frank, "I can't understand a single word he's saying." He does not "pronunciate." I stand by my 5th place ranking and my prediction. Especially knowing that he's in a three with Melinda and LaKisha, and Kiki has gained even in my own eyes two weeks in a row by the mere act of wearing something over her baby feeders. RANDY: Check it out, yo. I recorded that with Jon Bon Jovi. SARAHK: A name drop? I've never heard such a thing from Randy. SIMON: That's what was wrong with the song. RANDY: You were like harkening Steve Perry on a Bon Jovi song. SARAHK: Did you catch that dual name-drop thing he did there? Very sly. I'm sure no one even saw what he was doing there. Except me and Simon and Paula and thirty-five million Americans. Eh, make that probably fifteen million (my estimation of the adults who waste time this way like Frank and me). I'll bet the teenagers don't get it. They vote for communists and hair. PAULA: You'll never forget this year. You were like a kid up there! SARAHK: One who's never seen the sun. PAULA: This was your best week ever. SIMON: I don't know about that. I didn't hear any authenticity. In the middle, I thought you were like a bad actor trying to play a role, and I don't think you've done enough to last next week. RANDY AND PAULA: We tell the truth. SIMON: It's not the truth. SARAHK: They can't handle the truth! And Simon's right. And wow, that jacket. Phil does not pull off that jacket.

Then it's LaKisha. Y'all know the drill about the music. WHERE IS THE MUSIC? Oh, sorry. I found it. Didditidoot. Didditidoot. Didditidoot.

LaKisha gets viewer email. Yay! She refuses to sit on the urinal stool, because she wants America to see her slim side. And actually, I did notice that she appears to be slimming down. I don't know if it's the lack of white satin in recent weeks or the sleek, long hair extensions, but she is looking slim. By the way, I got my hair done yesterday, y'all. It looks lovely. I got three inches cut off, and it's still almost to my boobs. If I'd known it was still going to be that long, I would have told Sue to take five inches off. I have so much hair. Not complaining, though. Where was I? Kiki's viewer email. Did she have any formal training? No, just church. Church? And it took you this many weeks of my vitriol to get you to cover your cleavage? Anyone notice everyone's trying to bring in the "church" card after Melinda showed us what's on her iPod? Mmmmhmm. Just sayin'. Or implyin'.

Ok, so LaKisha says she's heard of Bon Jovi and seen him on Oprah, Girlfriend. Oh dear. I have nothing to say about her making me feel that old except "bless her heart." (That's how Christians say "I hate you" in a nice way.) But she's never ever listened to his music. She's singing "This Ain't a Love Song." Jon Bon (we're old friends, because I knew allllllll the songs and recorded them on cassettes, people, cassettes off the radio growing up-- KISS FM and Eagle 97 and Y-95, hello) has to explain to Kiki that, um... this is a love song. It's, like, ironical? So she gets it after that. When she sings it, I have absolutely no complaints, and I got chills last night when she sang it, and tonight on the rewatch, I got chills and nerve tingles up my legs. Applause!! Nothing bad to say about it except the whole "I've seen him on Oprah so I know who that old guy is" thing. Throw the older voters a bone, girl. We vote too.

Oh, funny story. I found my old Gospellaires tapes (they're a wonderful a capella men's quartet from a church of Christ in Cleburne, I think, if they haven't moved on to the next life, because they weren't exactly young when I was in middle school), and I think I had copied these tapes from my stepmom when I was in middle school (statute of limitations is out on that, right?). Ok, so I was listening to these while painting the kitchen the other day, and I was singing along, painting, deep in thought and song. And apparently I had re-recorded over a tape that I had previously used for recording the top 10 off of the radio. Because right after the end of a beautiful gospel hymn, I hear Paula Abdul. Pauler, I'm not kidding! "Straight up, now, tell me do you really wanna love me forever... oh oh oh..." And then the DJ busts in and tells me that I am listening to Y-95. Do you think I'm going to hell for that?

Anyway, the judging on LaKisha. RANDY: LaKisha's back this week. You've got something to prove to Simon. It was a little pitchy in the beginning. You blew that out the box! LaKisha's back! PAULA: Money in pocket, you gave us some'in' some'in'. SIMON: LaKisha, I actually could kiss you after that. LAKISHA: Well, come on! (Ryan drags LaKisha down to Simon, they smooch on the lips.) SIMON: You were so good. RYAN: The image of her lipstick on your lips. SIMON: You rose to the challenge, I didn't know what the song was. You absolutely nailed it. And nice lips. I absolutely loved it. SARAHK: Me too. And thank you, once again, for reigning in those jugs.

Melinda is safe.
LaKisha is safe.
Phil is going home. Tonight's going home song is Carrie Underwood's version of "I'll Stand By You." It's so pretty. I need to download that.

American Idol "Challenge." Where do the Idols go for a visit tonight in the Ford video? Laundromat, carwash, circus? Hrmmmm. I just watched that. Oh yeah.

Back row stands up, it's Jordin, Blake, and Chris. Do you want me to spoil the non-surprise before I review these three? Ok, I will. Ryan says, "Jordin, I messed with you so much last week, I won't mess with you this week. Sit down, you're safe."

Ok, so let's go back to last night.

Jordin. The music, please! Thank you.

Egads! Make it stop! I'm sorry, I shouldn't be so ugly about it, but it was a disaster. But let me torture you with it as I was tortured with it. Jordin says to Jon Bon & the keyboardist... um... Slash... "My mom is gonna flip out... She got me into y'all, so I'm just..." Jon Bon is gracious. "Oh yeah?" Jordin is singing "Living on a Prayer." Even in the rehearsal, Jordin is struggling, and JBJ says, "We had to work on the melodies a lot with Jordin. But she's seventeen. I couldn't sing half that good at seventeen." The verses are bad, choruses are worse. I thought it was awful when she said, "Gina works the diner all day," and pointed at The Glock in the audience. No, The Glock is gonna be a singer, too, Jordin. Frank says she just wanted to be like, "Hey, your name is Gina, and that's the name in the song!" Probably, yeah. She's seventeen. Anyway, it's an atonal mess, though I love the hair and the outfit, regardless of Simon's criticisms. Her worst performance ever. Wow, that studio audience will stand up for any performance then, no? RANDY: This was interesting for me, because... It was tough for you, right? When you hit the big notes in the choruses, it was ok, but the verses were rough, right? PAULA: None of us know what it's like for you to be in the workshop process. You have a hot guys band. It was out of your range. But you're great, and I love lollipops. They're great when you dip them in vodka. SIMON: Let's just cue the boos in advance, because... first of all, the look was something out of the Addams Family. The singing was out of control. It was verging on shrieking sometimes. You're at a disadvantage, because you've been given guys' rock songs to sing, but it was terrible. RYAN: Thank you, Herman Munster. SARAHK: Aren't all three of the remaining girls at a disadvantage? And Melinda and LaKisha nailed it, so... um... I can't agree with you on that one. Also, one of the best things you can do on American Idol is sing a song by someone of the opposite sex, because then there's no chance you're going to be compared tone-for-tone to the original. As long as you're not off-key, you have a shot of being called great. I mean, I would suck at Bon Jovi week, but I would do something like pick an obscure song that nooooobody knows and sing the stuffing out of it. Or forget the words. Either way, I would NOT pick "Living On a Prayer." Nothing that everyone over twenty-five could sing in his sleep. Or her sleep, as it were.

Blake. Scoooby! Blake is singing "You Give Love a Bad Name." Jon Bon says it is an "adventurous" rendition (Teller the keyboardist nods and smiles in agreement), and when an artist says that, it generally means, "Dude. You're butchering my song. What the heck? Don't you know I'm Jon Bon Jovi?" Jon Bon says Blake will have to sell his interpretation of a song that a lot of people don't want messed with. SarahK being one of those. Because at the beginning of this last night, I was standing at the edge of the couch saying, "I DON'T WANT IT MESSED WITH. DON'T MAKE IT YOUR OWN, DAWG!" JBJ was being gracious and all, but did anyone get an inkling that maybe he was going, "Hey! Sing the dang song!" Yeah, I got that inkling when he said, "Sixteen measures of someone not singing on a show that's supposed to showcase singers... makes me wonder." I was already tense before this began.

Ok, so at the beginning, Blake is onstage with Black hair, because he's a rocker, you know. And he is miming. Miming. Bears repeating. Twice. Miming the act of taking a record off the shelf, in case yours truly didn't feel old enough. Putting the record on the turntable, etc. I'm laughing and saying, "Oh no. He is NOT doing this to Bon Jovi." Then "Shot through the heart..." begins. Thankfully putting us out of the techno-mime misery, right? No. There's more techno-crap during the verse. And I'm saying, "No no no" all throughout the beginning of this and trying to scratch my skin off of myself. Like "get it off me! get it off me!" But then the chorus arrives, and "Shot through the heart" and I'm back on board. Oh yay! It's great! As soon as he hits the chorus, I am all up in this song. Oh yes. And then he beatboxes. On "You Give Love a Bad Name." You understand my feelings of intense... scrutinous... wonderment? Because on one hand I'm going, "Save it for Dirty Pop!" and on the other, he's really good with the beatboxing. And on the third hand, he sang that communist song last week, and the only way he can ever truly come back from that in my eyes is to sing the Toby Keith song about "we'll put a boot in your--" where was I? Right. The chorus eventually rolls around, and I'm so happy again, because he's so good at it. When he just lets go and doesn't try to do this soft, crappy, understated communist propaganda, his voice is glorious. So. I was conflicted. But every time I was just about done and saying, "Stop! Stop it! No!" then he would sing the chorus. So butchering a classic with fantastic beatboxing that should be showcased in an 'NSYNC song and NOT a classic that I grew up on was tricky for me. I hated it and then loved it and then hated myself for loving it. I just don't know what I would have done had it been "Pour Some Sugar on Me." Oh, speaking of 'NSYNC, I think the DWTS judges would tell Blake the same thing they initially told Joey Fatone: "Your bum sticks out quite a bit." Doesn't it? I know, I'm one to talk, thunder-thighs over here. RANDY: Yo, check it out. I've gotta give you the award for the most original version of a song ever on AI. You took a leap of faith and you won. PAULA: This was a big leap of faith. This was amazing. This was your night. Even Simon's mum. She was rocking with you. SIMON: Half the audience will absolutely hate it, and half the audience will love it. And I think that was the right thing to do. You are a very brave man, and you took a big risk, and this is what is going to keep you in the competition next week.

Chris's performance last night. Fred! Velma! Dog! There was Inane Viewer Email, but it was stupid and forgettable. Chris is singing "Wanted Dead or Alive," and Chris says that he knows Chris Daughtry did this last year on AI, but you can't have a Bon Jovi night on AI without doing this song, and if someone has to take the hit for it, he will. Chris doesn't know the words in rehearsal. They're not allowed to take lyrics sheets in with them? That's stupid. I love that Chris has to prompt Jon Bon to give him performance notes. "Anything on performance?" "Find the blue note, and stick to it, because the song has a blues aspect to the lyrical content." A lot of words in that sentence. Rewatching this, I really like it. Anytime I hear someone sing, "I've got the nine on my side," that is just... well... it makes me want to go to the shooting range, not because of pent-up aggression, but because guns are sexy. So yeah. I should put him in a close #4 spot, way ahead of Pennywise. I really hope he doesn't leave. I'd rather see the communist go home. Of course, for all I know, Chris is one too. You never can tell with these young, impressionable children. RANDY: I was worried about these Bon Jovi songs tonight, because none of y'all are rock singers, but y'all are blah blah yay. PAULA: Yay! SIMON: I think you did as much as you could do with that song, because this is not your style of music. Whether it's enough to stay another week, I'm not sure. SARAHK: Hmmm.

I LOOOOOOOOATHE THE CINGULAR TEXTING COMMERCIAL MORE THAN WORDS CAN SAY! DO I NEED TO TEXT IT TO YOU?

Back to live...

Bon Jovi is performing "(You Want to) Make a Memory." And the whole band is there. It's amazing the huge acts that AI gets now. But really, what venue is bigger than AI? This is so much bigger than Leno and Saturday Night Live. I didn't look up stats or anything, but I'd bet at least a dollar on that.

Jon Bon won't pick who's leaving between Chris and Blake. Politician!

Taylor Hicks is also in front of books. That blows my whole illiteracy theory. Unless Taylor was illiterate? It's nice he decided to acknowledge that AI exists and helped him get anywhere. Ingrate. He did it for The Children, I guess. Or to remind you that he released an album.

Blake and Chris say they're best friends. Awwww. I guess Chris could be a communist too. Bummer.

Chris is going home. Blake is staying. That's probably as it should be. Chris hasn't really done anything noteworthy lately. I still like him. Oh, we're back to "Home" by Daughtry.

Well. Frank and I are tired after tonight's bloodbath. Shame on you, American Idol, for being so violent tonight.

No tears for Chris, contestants? That's cold. Even Jordin and Melinda can't squeeze out any saline. Wow, standing O from Simon. Oh, finally they squeeze the tears out after he's done singing. Chris and Blake are hugging a LOT.

And it's down to Blake (the beatboxer) and the black chicks. This show is racist. I'm just kiddin'.

You, too, could be one less girl with a choice about whether to get vaccinated against HPV. Ask your doctor about Gardasil and how Texas and Florida are trying to force the vaccination on little girls. It's different from forcing condoms on kids, because Gardasil is known to have awful side effects in some cases.

Come for the American Idol, get a little something extra in every post!

Carrie Underwood and Kelly Clarkson both on tonight/tomorrow night depending on when you're reading this. If you're reading it last night, then you're from the future of the past and from the devil. Go back from whence you came!

04 LaKisha never ceases to amaze me. And I do mean the EGO of LaKisha. She never listens to any of the industry mentors who have actually been making money doing this for a while. First night out, she sang the big Jennifer Holiday / Jennifer Hudson number (past Idol contestant #1). Last week, she tanked trying to prove she's better than past Idol #2 Carrie Underwood (she's not). This week, she's going to sing the so-so number "Believe," by, you guessed it, past Idol #3, Fantasia. I'm so glad VFTW didn't pick her to be their new champion, because I think she is not long for this competition, and I couldn't stand it if they helped keep her around much longer. Holy cow, Kiki's boobies are somewhat reigned in. She almost looks classy. If she would cover the backfat and perhaps the shoulders, she would look gorgeous. It's the best she's ever looked. Her hair is beautiful. The arrangement is a mess. She has pitch problems. And she is a little screechy at times. I can't get over the arrangement, though. It's awful. I felt like I was on the Texas Giant in the very last car. And that ain't no good thang on a wooden roller coaster. RANDY: Great song choice, had some pitch problems. I didn't think it was your best, but I did like it. It's very hard to sing after Fantasia, I must admit. PAULA: You are a powerhouse of a vocalist. Even though Fantasia hasn't been around that long, she's so unique, so it's hard yammer yaw hooblahawwwwnayaaaaa... Don't sing Fantasia songs bloooooober. It doesn't take away from your vocals. SIMON: Thanks for summing that up so briefly, Pauler. I think what she was trying to say is that she preferred Fantasia's vocals. Again, I'm having an issue with the shouting. (Tells audience to shut up, because they're yelling at him for being correct.) SARAHK: You actually look pretty good, thanks for wearing a bra, and the vocal arrangement was a mess. It did nothing for me. But you look good.

05 Pennywise the Phil... um, wow. Yes, I just got a comment asking if I noticed Pennywise's Sharpie-drawn eyebrows, and I'm just now catching my first gander. Whoa-ho. It's true. It's true. Frank mentioned Stan Sitwell from Arrested Development, who is completely hairless. Is that a tux Pennywise is wearing? I'll tell you what, why don't you just quit the act and don the clown costume, floppy shoes, and bow-tie? Red nose? You don't even need the white makeup. What does Pennywise miss about home? Sewer rats. No, kidding, he didn't say that, though I would have thrown my support behind him whole-heartedly had he said so. Pennywise misses his babies, he has two. They're usually there at AI (sure), but now they're with their GPs in Oklahoma. But he's making a better life for them outside of the sewers of Derry. He's singing "The Change" by Garth Brooks and is talking about the heroism that came from the Oklahoma City bombing. That's two references to Oklahoma. Is he from there? No WONDER I don't like him! (Sorry, gotta get my Texan on, since we're moving back there soon.) This was vocally strong, but I can't bear to look at him when he sings. I would listen to him on the radio if I didn't know if it was him and therefore didn't get a visual nor purse up my lips and scrunch up my face at him. RANDY: Very nice vocal, very strong song. Two in a row, baby! PAULA: This was your best! SIMON: I really like you. SARAHK: No you don't. SIMON: I'm glad you had a good week last week. Last week you had a country tone in your voice, and that could sell well, so tap that or something. SARAHK: If I close my eyes and forget I don't like you, you sing fine. Please don't invade the country stations. Please don't. I listen to them.

This next AI segment is presented by the wonderful people at ConAgra foods. Mmmmm. ConAgra. They make Rotel. I think.

Simon visited a food pantry in America, twenty minutes from his American house. Simon says he had no idea places like this existed in America. Wow. The lady at the pantry told Simon, "Nobody knows that people are starving in America." Yes, we are all elitist ostriches who've never driven near a downtown bridge. Never knew that. Nobody knows! Frank and I laughed at her. Frank started talking about serving food to the hungry in the church basement with his mom. Well, I've never done that, but I did audit non-profits that did that. So I at least KNOW that people are starving in America.

06 Jordin is singing "You'll Never Walk Alone" from Carousel, by Rogers and Hammerstein. I adore this song. She looks beautiful, classy, grown up. I loved everything she did with the song, but she got screechy in a couple of spots. And though she has definitely stopped smiling through every song, I think she's still having a little trouble thinking about lyrics. It's kind of a hope-y song. Walk on, keep on trudging through the rain, dawg, you'll never walk alone. She looked like she was in pain for most of the song. Like "I know you're freaked OUT, but I'm freaking OUT right along with you." I'd have gone for more of a "It's gonna be ok, because you're never alone" look. Ok, she's gotta stop this crying at the end of every song thing. Have y'all noticed her doing that lately? Does she have a problem with her tear ducts? RANDY: One of the best vocals by any contestant by anyone ever on this show ever in six seasons ever. And by a 17 year old! EVER! PAULA: Haunting, awesome, glorious, beautiful. SIMON: Unlike Randy, I thought you were brilliant. I think you could have a hit record with that. SARAHK: I think you were great, but I don't think the judges were hard enough on you. Best of the night, probably, but you should have been criticized for your screechiness. You almost lost your note at the end, barely held on. Stop crying. Now.

06 Jordin**
02 Melinda**

Anyone care about the others?

01 Chris - wow, he really has a round head, doesn't he? Did I just now notice that? How?
05 Pennywise the Phil
04 LaKisha
03 Blake

Bottom three... Chris, LaKisha, Blake. Going home... Booo-bye, Kiki. Or should I say boob-eye?

02... Alaina is dedicating to her mom, who worked four jobs to support her kids. She wants to be able to give back to and provide for her mom. Mom is crying in the audience. Alaina looks gorgeous. The dress is perfect, way better than the ugly ensemble of last week. Blue is an awesome color on her. Hair is excellent, as always. First bit is good. Oh, this is that song? She's singing "Not Ready to Make Nice" or whatever the angry mad rant fest song is called. Ok, it's the first time I'm hearing the entire song. I've only ever heard the one line of the chorus that they play over and over, because see, I listen to country stations, and they don't play the Dixie Chicks on my station, and I'm fine with that. So I just hear it on TV commercials and whatnot. Anyway, the more of the song I hear, the more annoyed I get that she picked this song. Oh no, it's really out of tune. But I was trying to listen to the words to see what all the fuss is about and hung up on the fact that she was making these ridiculous facial expressions to let us, America, know that she really means it. I really mean it, y'all. I'm mad as H-E-double-hockey-sticks! So now I have to go back and relisten so I can give her a fair judging. First... hang on... let me just get my duct tape and put it around my head so my head doesn't explode a second time... there... we... go. Ok, yeah, that was out of tune like I thought the first time. She was out of breath in several spots. And I think a lot of people are going to be offended by her song choice. Like me. I'm offended by her artist choice. What's the big deal about patriotism? Alaina probably doesn't read the news and have any idea the kind of crap that comes out of Natalie's mouth, though. Anyway, Randy says wow, it was pitchy. Not good, dawg. Paula, who was dancing the whole time, says it was a little out of tune but not as bad as the Dawg says. Simon says it was like Randy running a 100 meter dash or something. You ran out of steam 3/4 of the way through. That sounds right to me.

03... Lakisha is next, and she dedicates to her Grama. Grama is in LUV with Ryan Seacrest. That judgment notwithstanding (oh, I'm just playin'). What is she wearing? Short denim skirt that doesn't work for her. Big oversized orange sweater. And leopard print heels. Nothing matches, her hair is very blah and pasted to her head. Her outfit looks like she wants to get noticed on the boulevard (I'm sorry, I love her too, but it must be said, because it must be prevented from ever happening again), while her hair makes me think she wants to hide in a cave and never be seen by anyone again. It's a little befuddling. Anyway, she's doing "Midnight Train to Georgia". Paris did this last year, and I don't remember particularly enjoying it, but I could be wrong. I have to keep it real, y'all, this is really boring. She has a phenomenal voice, and I feel like she went safe and boring tonight. She seemed nervous, so I don't think she went to the Studdard School of Sloth, but if she wasn't born with a huge voice, she'd be practically unnoticeable tonight. RANDY: That was hot. You were nervous in the beginning. Don't be nervous. PAULA: Remember, you're Lakisha. Woo hoo! SIMON: Interesting dance at the end. Not as good as last week. You didn't come out thinking you're a big star this week. The outfit is distracting, I don't like it. I think you're a phenomenal singer, but I'm saying as nicely as possible that I don't like the outfit. RYAN: You don't like salmon? SIMON: It's orange. SARAHK: And hookery. You were safe and boring, and I agree with Simon on the outfit. You have a huge voice, but if you rest on your laurels, someone's going to use your laurels as a stepstool and vault right over your head. Mwah. Love ya.

04... Melinda Doolittle dedicates her performance to her "Gails". She's Oprah, they're her Gails. One is her vocal coach, and the other is a stylist. She hates to shop, just like me. She's singing "My Funny Valentine", and first words out of my mouth: Can y'all please stop doing the same songs over and over?! Do songs no one else has done on this show! Anyway, it can't possibly be the horror show that it was when Constantine did it a couple of years ago, so I don't know why I'm worried, I guess I'm just thinking that they've got soooo many songs to choose from, and they keep picking ones they've heard someone else do on the show? Do something else. Y'all have no idea how many automatic booster credits Chris Richardson got before "Geek in the Pink" ever started last night. Jason Mraz on American Idol, that was my dream come true!

On with the singing. She looks great, standard Melinda clothing. Denim jacket, jeans, red blouse, cute jewelry. Red shoes. The singing is fantastic. Fantastic. Far better than what Lakisha did just now. No crazy dancing antics, either. Just amazing vocals, good stage presence, and I'm very pleased. So is Simon, because he is grinning. RANDY: Yo, we have a competition. You're in it to win it. You came out here, you and Lakisha -- um, why do you even need to mention the previous singer, she's not onstage right now. You wouldn't do that when Lakisha is singing, so you shouldn't do that to another contestant. PAULA: You're a beautiful butterfly with vocal wings. SIMON: The best vocal we've had throughout the competition. We've had precocious monsters on this show, and I don't think you're one of them. You don't know how good you are, and I don't think you'd change if you won. You're a breath of fresh air and a sweet little lollypop. That was fantastic. RYAN: Was it easier this week? MELINDA: Sure. (Not convincingly. She's really cute.) SARAHK: I love her. And she didn't smile through the pain this week.

Antonella is singing Celine after the break. I have no faith that she can do it. Sorry.

05... Antonella is wearing an interesting dress, but I think I actually love this dress. She dedicates to her brother. And she put that beautiful hair back down. She looks great. She's singing "Because You Loved Me". Pitchy at the beginning. I do not like the arrangement. It confused me and made me think she forgot the words until I figured out that it was just an awful arrangement. It did not work for me. Sad Tivo note: Right at the the one spot where she could shine during the song, we had a DVR glitch, and I could see her sing but not hear her. So I have no idea if that went well. Eh, she has a pretty voice, but she's just not up to caliber with a lot of the other girls here, and she shouldn't have gone for a huge Celine song. However, she was improved a bit from last week, just because I don't think it could be any worse than last week. But she might get to stick around, because she didn't completely botch the song, unless she did so during my Tivo glitch. RANDY: Dude, it was pitchy all over the place. The song was too big for you. But you look good. SARAHK: You know you're in trouble when it's not even Paula that goes to the look factor. PAULA: Not even 1% of America can sing like Celine. THE COLLECTIVE: Whew! SARAHK: Y'all shut up, I love Celine! She's just a little koo-koo. But her voice is awesome, so I say again, shut up. PAULA: It was much better than last week, so rah rah, sis boom bah. SIMON: Wrong song, and I thought it was worse than last week. ANTONELLA THE STUPID: I'm going to take Paula's criticism, because Simon was wrong about Jennifer Hudson, so he can be wrong about me. SARAHK: What an idiot. He is going to eat her alive. SIMON: Let me be clear. I did not kick Jennifer Hudson off of American Idol. We three put her on the show, and America did not vote for her. If America disagrees with me, they'll keep you around another week. SARAHK: She's no Jennifer Hudson. And I voted for her. RYAN: I don't know if we have a break scheduled, but we need one. SARAHK: Yes, someone needs a reprimand.

06... Jordin dedicates all the love in her heart to her younger brother. She's singing Christina's "Reflection" from Mulan. She looks gorgeous in that turquouise color. And aww, she read what I wrote about her last week and paying attention to her lyrics! Good girl. The vocal was rough in spots, off-key several places, but in other places it was outstanding. So I'll say it was inconsistently grand? She seemed nervous and really emotional, and oh no, she's crying when she's done. Get me a box of tissues and a Nicholas Sparks book, will you? *sniff* She's crying almost as much as I did Monday after I nearly got flattened by a semi on the highway. Seriously, sweetie, perspective. Near-death v. singing a cartoon movie song. *sniff* again. RANDY: Not the best you've done, but still really good. PAULA: You're infectious. I have the Jordin Infection. Now will you get me a vodka, love? I'm out. You're gonna be in this competition for a long time. Now the vodka? SIMON: Not your best, but you're 17, you have massive potential, but I think the dedications are getting to you. RYAN: She's irresistible. SARAHK: For men who like girls. Wink wink. That is so RUDE, SarahK. Oh, you know I love you, Ryan. It's all in love. It was inconsistently grand. Now go wipe your nose and watch a chick flick. Get it out of your system before next week, for the love of pete.

Oh yay! Kellie Pickler will be on the results show tomorrow night! The good thing is, if she sings, it will make all the losers going home sound great. If she doesn't sing, it will be fine, because she has that cute fake personality. I love her act, it's cute.

07... Stephanie Edwards is singing "Dangerously in Love" by Beyonce. Finally, something new! The good thing is, I've never heard the original. She looks gorgeous in a long white dress with metallic accents, nice earrings. Thankfully no Beyonce clothing, because most of Beyonce's clothing choices are unfortunate. I don't particularly enjoy this kind of music, but she is singing her pinkytoe off, and I think she's remarkable. I'll have to go back and rewatch to see who is best between her and Melinda when I do my recap, because she is throwing down tonight, just like she did last week. There's one note with all the excessive trilling that she kind of botches, but it's almost not noticeable, and she redeems herself quickly and has a fantastical ending. If you like that kind of music. I don't, but I'll live through it. RANDY: You look hot, you sang your face off. Don't be so Beyonce. I mean, I love her, but do your own thing. That was so much better than last week. SARAHK: She was excellent last week. RANDY: I mean, and you were great last week. SARAHK: He keeps saying that to the ladies tonight. I think he's drinking the Paula juice tonight and keeps forgetting that the girls were pretty good last week, and he's just using the standard comments that he used for the guys last night because he stayed out too late partying or something and didn't have time to come up with a new script for tonight. PAULA: I disagree with you. You were fantastic, brilliant. So many people will be in love with you, just like Beyonce. SIMON: I agree with Paula. You're not just taking part, it was terrific. RYAN: What's wrong with Beyonce? RANDY: Nothing. I love her, NAME DROP. (Paula and Simon go to sleep.) Blah blah blah. SARAHK: I'M BORED, let's move on. She was great.

08... Leslie Hunt is singing Nina Simone, dedicated to her dead Grampa. She's very bohemianly attired, which probably suits her more than the oversized boots she wore last week. She tells Ryan she's going to dance around on the stage less tonight. That's good, because I don't think The Spastic is going to be the next big thing to catch on with the kids. Oh, she's singing that "Feeling Good" song that AJ sang last night. Well, I'm embarrassed to say that I never heard it before last night if it's a Nina Simone song. Y'all may berate me accordingly for that in the comments. I deserve it.

Here are Leslie's problems: 1) She has a much smaller voice than a lot of the other girls up there, no doubt. That will hurt her, because with all the girls in the competition right now, she will need a big voice to make a big enough impression to make the top six. I don't think she'll make the top six. 2) Her hair doesn't help. Sorry, it's fine for an everyday person, but it's pencil straight. That doesn't work for someone trying to make the most lasting impression, or for a celebrity for that matter (I'm looking at you, Queen Gwyneth). It's coming off as mousy and in need of a deep conditioning. Two words (maggie katzen will disagree wholeheartedly here, but she starts with curly hair, so don't listen to her): Garnier Fructis. 3) She really just looks so stinking uncomfortable onstage. I'm the same way, so I can relate. It's mostly her shoulders. She moves her shoulders like she's trying to conspicuously hint that she really needs a shoulder rub. There's no fluidity in her body movements at all. 4) I don't want to say this. She's what, 24? She looks 35. So an old fogey like me won't discard her for that, but the junior high and high school crowd are going to completely ignore her, because she, like, looks as old as their Aunt Jennifer (yes, the 35 year-olds are named Jennifer now. That makes me feel ancient.)! And I know that is so wrong, but that's how it is.

You can see her bra right through the back of her shirt. I mean the shape of the bra. She sings the song fine, and she's better than last week, or at least she must be, because all I can remember about last week is that she wore those awful boots. No wait, I remember what she sang, and yes, this is better. Nothing exciting for me. And she's scatting at the end, and the scatting is ok, but not fantastic, and not as good as Blake's scatting from last night, though her song choice is much better than the atrocity he picked. RANDY: Glad you did jazz, dawg. Pitchy. Just a'ight, but I love the a capella beginning. SARAHK: A capella means no instruments. There were strings lightly hanging out in the background. But who am I to correct someone who has worked with Beyonce? PAULA: You're being you. SIMON: The scatting sounds like Paula talking. I'm kidding. Your problem is the big voices that came before you. Better than last week, but not many people are going to remember you. PAULA: She's a different ice cream flavor! SIMON: Four raspberry ripples tonight, she's a vanilla. SARAHK: I've never had raspberry ripple. Is that good? It sounds yummy. RYAN: Simon is a sorbet. SARAHK: Can we finish with the ice cream analogies and return to where this was a singing competition?

09... Haley Scarnato. Can we skip to the end? Whoops, did I let out that she's not my favorite? Everything about her seems like an airbrushed cheerleader, and she does not do anything for me when she's singing, so I am ready for this to be over. Especially knowing that she's doing Whitney. Brace yourselves. She's dedicating to her most wonderful fiance. Haha, she's singing "Queen of the Night". No, I'm serious, y'all. And she keeps raising her arms so we can check out her armpits. How many armpit views do we need? And she does this thing where she gives the camera a high five all the time. RANDY: Wasn't great for me, dawg. Vocally not on point. Is better than last week. SARAHK: That's like saying Paula is more coherent than she was on that Seattle morning show. PAULA: Sooo much better than last week. SIMON: A for effort, you really tried. But if you take on a Whitney song, you do it at your peril. You're one of two or three very vulnerable girls tonight. SARAHK: I agree. Before I ever knew what she was singing, I had her pegged as going home. I'll let you know after I do my lineup. It was loud and dancy with not a lot of singy. Stop crying. Ask Jordin if you can borrow a tissue.

10... Sabrina Sloan. She dedicates to her Grama. She is singing "All the Man I Need". She's kind of a nasally singer, isn't she? She's doing her own thing with the song, and that makes me happy, because with a Whitney song, that's the only way you can survive on this show. I think the end is great. She's a little screechy right before the end, but the end is good. I think she was a little better last week, but still great this week. RANDY: Lost touch with the pitch in a couple of spots, that's my new way of saying pitchy, dawg. But very nice overall. Big song. Big voice. PAULA: You showed your voice last week. Dolphin clap! Bravo! SIMON: I don't like the song choice. I preferred you last week. Don't confuse shouting with power. She's a great singer, but I wasn't jumping out my chair this week. But you'll be back next week. SARAHK: Yes, don't screech and yell, but I liked what you did with the song when you made it your own, dawg. I like her pretty well. Oh, and lose some of the nasal bit, would you? I just noticed that and it bothers me.

My order tonight:

04 Melinda Doolittle*
07 Stephanie Edwards*
10 Sabrina Sloan*
03 LaKisha Jones* - she was really boring. really.
06 Jordin Sparks*
01 Gina Glocksen*
08 Leslie Hunt
05 Antonella Barba
09 Haley Scarnato
02 Alaina Alexander

Ok, so to the predictions. I'm so nervous, seeing how I'm 4 for 4 this season. Thank you, thank you. Don't applaud. Just throw money. Anyway. On the girl side... I think Antonella sticks it out this week. I'm sorry, but she's like Sanjaya with that crazy inexplicable fanbase. And she's gotten a ton of extra publicity this week, so... she'll stay in one more week. But if she makes it to the top 12, that's just wrong. I think Alaina had a shot to pull herself up and skate past Antonella, Haley, and Leslie, but she blew it. Not only did she botch the song she sang, she picked a song that will tick off a lot of people, and they'll just roll their eyes and say no thanks. So I think she's out for sure. And it's not because America is trying to silence the Dixie Chicks, the bunch of evil fascists that we are. It's because we get to make our choices, too. You choose a polarizing song and sing it poorly? Not doing yourself any favors, love. Leslie or Haley... well... Haley is annoying and a bit on the phony side, plus those of us who can sing are kind of wondering how she made the top 24. She badly covered Celine Dion, then picked the Whitney song she would most likely be covered by background vocals in... is the rest of America as tired of her as I am? But the worst part? The hi-fives to the camera and the armpit stares. That's why I think she'll go home, and Leslie will stick it out one more week.

On the guy side. I wrote this yesterday in the comments: i'm sorry to tell you, there's no way that Sanjaya is leaving this week. last week, they said he was in the top 4 of the guys. the top 4! i had him around #7 after he sang a wretched rendition of a Stevie Wonder song. this kid has an inexplicable fan base. the girls (or boys) must love the hair. i think he will stay around. maybe he's this season's Jasmine.

he was by far the worst of the guys. by a mile, in my opinion. there was nothing wrong with his voice. and at a concert, a long concert, maybe this is the understated number you do sitting on the piano while everyone goes and gets a drink or uses the portapotty. maybe i listen to it on my ipod while doing my running cooldown or some relaxation exercises. i don't want to hear it on the radio driving down the road. i'll fall asleep.

then there's his personality. performing, not performing. he's 17, so he needs a ton of work. he's like Al Gore on Valium, that's how little he moves around. he's so stiff.

no, i think Jared is a definite for going home. he made a big mistake picking that creepy song this week. the other one is either going to be Nick or Brandon. i think AJ sticks around another week because he surprised even me enough to vote for him. i tried to vote and the line was busy.

hmm, Nick or Brandon... i'm going with Nick.

so i predict that Jared and Nick, Haley and Alaina go home.

Ryan asks Sundance what he heard over the weekend. Sundance said that people told him not to be so crappy. LOL. Yes, you listened to us!

02... Jared Cotter is doing Marvin Gaye. Prepare for suckitude, world. Simon told him to be more adventurous, so he's doing Marvin Gaye!! Come ON, what you should do is read my last few years' stuff. Marvin Gaye does not work with the majority of voters on this show. No no no no no. He's for real singing "Let's Get It On". I'm out. Knowing that you have all these five, ten, fifteen, sixty, and eighty year-old women watching you, you choose this song. You're so stupid. Not to mention that it's nothing I haven't heard before from my husband. ;-) I have to tell you. I think he went for steamy. I felt like an oversized kid was up there trying to show off for the kids on the playground. And the voice was fine, pitchy occasionally, screechy at times, but it didn't stand out in a good way. I've heard better than that from the songleaders at church. Singing hymns. That don't make me want to shower afterwards. And I don't mean shower because I got all hot and bothered. I mean because I feel like you spat on me during your antics. What was with rubbing on your face? Did you have something on it? Next, please. Randy liked the voice and loved the face thing. Paula thought the face thing was good on Jared but he pushed it too much. Simon thought it was corny in parts and would have been the cabaret singer on the Love Boat. Jared retorts with, "That would have been a great Love Boat." No, Jared, I would have gotten off at the first port of call. Ryan doesn't know where to start but starts here:

RYAN: And the things we've all done to that song. Man! The memories!
SARAHK: Yeah. Not very convincing, Ryan.
FRANK J.: Oh, like Ryan couldn't have any woman he wanted... if he wanted a woman.

Ryan actually asks Jared to do the face thing again. Mmmhmm, Ryan.

Oh wait! I forgot to watch his inspirational video. Tivo! He's dedicating to his mom and dad. Mom made him audition. Dad made him listen to Stevie Wonder and Donnie Hathaway. Ok, nothing changed my mind about whether I loved that song. I did not.

03... AJ Tabaldo is next, and he's dedicating to his mom and dad. Because they love him and stuff. He looks good, is dressed sharply. Jeans, 3/4 sleeve shirt (I forgive him, because it's not pink, it's a nice manly green), black vest. I can understand his words at the beginning of the song, he's starting off very slowly with limited band music. This is a song I've never heard, called "Feeling Good". It's been done by apparently everyone recently. Muse, Pussycat Dolls, Michael Buble. He is singing this really well, and I'm in shock. He's singing in English! I could do without the gayish hand movements, but he sings so well tonight that I just don't care. I take back everything I said about him last week. Doggone, who am I going to pick on for the rest of the night? Who will my standard joke fallback be? Not AJ. I will not pick on him for the rest of the night. Randy liked it. Paula says he has a great great voice, rah! rah!, Simon is surprised by him (I know, right?) and says he looked strangely comfortable and was almost very very good. AJ says he took their constructive criticism and went way out of his R&B comfort zone to do the song. Might I vote for him? Take a deep breath, SarahK. I might.

04... Sanjaya is dedicating to his dead grandpa. Not his sister, who got cut earlier in the season. He's wearing slacks, a maroon shirt, a top hat. His hair is in a ponytail. He's singing "Steppin' Out with My Baby", a standard by Irving Berlin. It's so quiet. The entire song is boring. Even the end when he tries to put the big finish on it is a bore. He's wooden onstage. At the end he smiles huge at the judges, because he knows how bad it was. Randy says it was a bad talent show. Paula says at least it wasn't pitchy, but hey, maybe you should sing younger songs. Simon pushes her to finish more quickly. Simon says it was like after lunch where the parents ask the kids to dress up and sing. Very weak, a little weird, and somewhat whispered. Paula wants to know why he did the song. Sanjaya says he wanted to celebrate the great heroes of music, the classics. Dude, wait for Tony Bennet.

So far, AJ is the best.

05... Chris Sligh is next, and he tells Ryan that the secret to the volume of his hair is as much conditioner as possible. And his dedication is to his wife Sarah. What is it with geeky, funny guys getting super-hot wives named Sarah? Wow, look at her! And his dedication video is wonderful. He is so sweet about his wife! Phil, take notice. And he is singing "Trouble" by Ray LaMontagne, which Taylor did last year, if I'm not mistaken. And this is good. This is really good. I'm just smiling with teeth the whole time. I'm going to rewind and listen a second time. It's that good. I love that he wears Converse with his baggy suits. It's great on the rewind, too. Randy says he's even better than last week, and good song choice. Paula says yes, good, and good wife dedication. You're awesome, but watch your pitch and getting ahead of the song. I didn't hear that tonight. Simon says he is a really good singer tonight. He was a little worried about him dedicating a song called "Trouble" to his wife, but the lyric made sense. Chris says he has been saved by a woman. Awww. Yay for Chris! First place! Oh. I suppose I should listen to the other five first. Whatever. Ryan says Chris gets a free pass for a while out of the doghouse.

06... Nick Pedro dedicates to his girlfriend. He's singing "Fever". No, really. What a horrible song choice. No he is not doing the hip-hop hand moves for this. Huh. I'm baffled by the song choice. The tone quality was good, the song choice was awful, the hand jive was hideous, he rushed ahead of the band, and it was boring. Ugh. I didn't love Nick tonight. I love the "Vote for Pedro" gimmick, but I don't love Nick tonight.

07... Blake Lewis dedicates to his parents. His dad is a hard worker, and his mom is talented in the music department. Oh yes. Dad is the one with the funny rhythm. And Blake is... NO. NO. NO. He is singing a song called "Virtual Insanity" by Jamiroquai. It's about life in the digital age. NO. NO. NO. He is singing a song about life in the digital age and how insane it is. I love the scatting. In the beginning he sounds very Maroon 5 to me, and I love Maroon 5. In the middle, I love the scatting. Did I mention the scatting? Jason Mraz is another scatter I love. Whoa whoa whoa, what happened there at the end with the pitchiness, dawg? The falsetto is good. But come on, please. Virtual insanity. These have got to be the corniest song lyrics since "Digital Getdown" by 'NSYNC. And we've had "Don't Cha" since then. So you see the gravity of the situation. I'm sorry, Blake, I can't get past the horrid lyrics. Dude, I'm typing right now, and when I click "Save", what I just typed will be out there on the interwebs. That's so insane in this digital age! Awful. But I did love the scatting. I hope enough of the teeny-boppers don't care about corniness and vote to keep you around, because you're one of my favorites. Randy says that's what he's talking about, baby! Paula ya ya ya! Simon disagrees and says exactly what I said with a few added details: the beginning was a copycat of the original, the scatting was good and original, and the end was pitchy. You were better last week. SarahK: except the scatting. I like the addition of the scatting. Other than that, you were better last week.

Speaking of Mr. A to Z, Chris Richardson just told Seacrest that he will be singing "Geek in the Pink" in a bit. Yes! That will be pure joy for me if he doesn't screw it up. It's on my iPod, in my "running" playlist.

08... Brandon Rogers dedicates "Time After Time" to his dead grandmother. He's wearing a pink shirt. His voice is shaky at first. He's behind the music the whole time, like every single line, he's trying to remember the words. I thought it was really boring. And honestly, I sang "Time After Time" on our karaoke game this weekend to see if I could get a perfect score, 50K points, and yes, I did, and I think I did better on it. It was so over-thought-out, if that makes sense. Really, y'all, I just can't wait to get to "Geek in the Pink". Seriously, if he pulls that off? Anyway, this didn't do it for me. Randy thinks it's great that he dedicated it to his Grams, but it was boring. Brandon says, but I was really trying to put my heart into it so I didn't think it needed extra. Paula says he didn't need to oversing, and no one knows how it feels to dedicate it to the Grama. Simon rolls his eyes and says let's take it back to a singing competition and forget all the rubbish about your dedication. Simon says you have to get past the "I'm feeling it" nonsense and show that you are a good singer, which you are. Brandon tells everyone it's his dad's birthday, and he feels great about singing the song. Simon says, btw, it's my mum's birthday in November. Oh, and I love puppies. LOL. Randy admits to liking dogs. Poor Brandon, but he totally walked into that.

09... Chris Richardson is dedicating to his Grama, his "Big Mama". Um, have you read "Geek in the Pink" lyrics? Do you know what you will be singing to dear old Gram? Just saying, that's not a song to dedicate to your Grama. It's got some grexual overtones. This performance is great. I would have said excellent except that he had a hard time keeping the microphone to his mouth so we could hear him. His singing was a cross between Mr. A to Z and Justin Timberlake. Dancing and aftershocks (that's the body movements after the song is over) were very JT. But the microphone technique was very RightWingDuck during the hiatused IMAO Podcast. Y'all don't know what I go through to make it so y'all can hear him. ;-D Randy says it was better than Jason Mraz himself, and that is absolute blasphemy. Someone tie him to a stake and set him on fire for me, would you? Not really, ok? If Randy is set on fire soon, please take note that I withdrew my request, so don't look at me. Paula says it was a funny song for dedicating to your Grama. Oh no! Did someone replace my Dasani with vodka tonight? Because she and I never speak the same language. Nope, that is definitely water in my Dasani bottle. Simon says he's somebody to watch, and he's the best tonight by a mile. I don't know, I'd like to hear Chris Sligh again to compare.

10... Sundance dedicates this to his son Levi, who's 3.5 months old. When he auditioned, his wife was pregnant, and he misses being away from his family. Levi's already smiling, and Sundance had to miss that because he's off at American Idol. BUT. He dedicated his video to his son, and he, as far as we know, was around when the little tyke was born.

(Aren't y'all glad I'm directing all my venom toward a male this year so that y'all can't automatically assume that it's envy? It makes it so much more confusing for you, doesn't it? And no, before you ask, I've never had a baby, and I've never had a husband miss the birth of my baby. And my dad was present at my birth, or at least that's what my mom tells me. I think I've seen pictures. I just think it's wrong. There were eight audition cities, and the price of airfare isn't much more expensive to other cities than to Birmingham from Jacksonville. He could have found another way. I mean, you can fly round trip to New York from Melbourne for pretty cheap, so he could have done a little research and found another way. Until I hear something like he was in Iraq fighting at all the other audition times (or, you know, on a submarine or ship in the middle of an ocean), and Birmingham was the only city that wasn't during a time when he was fighting for my freedom, "he's a pale-faced, mealy-mouthed ninny, and I hate him!")

Anyway, to Sundance. This performance is a 180 from where he was last week. Ok, I'll go with 160. I don't want to go crazy, because it's a fast and wild song, and I've heard karaoke bars go wild at this song, so I'll hopefully say he's 100% improved. He's doing "Mustang Sally", which is right up his alley. No rhyme intended. It's lively, soulful, fun, and vocal. He uses a lot of range during this performance, tricks up the song a lot, and I'm very pleased. I had started to wonder whether his audition was a fluke. Randy says what a difference a week makes. Welcome back, you dropped the bomb. Sundance thanks America for keeping him around one more week. Paula gives a standing ovation seal clap and says he has such an awesome range and thinks it's the best vocal he's ever done. Simon says yes, he's back, but let's not get carried away (he's so smart). It's a very popular song with everyone up on their feet, so I still think you can do better. Then Ryan says he thinks Sundance has been away from Levi longer than he thinks and shows him a photoshopped picture of Levi with Sundance's goatee. It's cute, Simon winks, and then, I'm not kidding, Ryan reaches out and fondles Sundance's goatee and comments on it being hard. Sundance shares the secret of hairspray, and I'm too scarred to continue.

Ok, the order tonight, my intense dislike for Phil notwithstanding (*s get votes):

05... Chris Sligh*
09... Chris Richardson*
10... Sundance Head*
03... AJ Tabaldo* - yes! ok! he's off my snarkdar!
07... Blake Lewis* - ok, i guess i'm a teeny-bopper, because i want him to stick around.but he does not deserve my vote tonight.
WH... Phil Stacey
08... Brandon Rogers
06... Nick Pedro
02... Jared Cotter
04... Sanjaya Malakar

Gwen Stefani. It would be worth keeping A.J. around just to hear him sing "Hollaback Girl". I'm concerned about that night and what it might bring. Gwen Stefani is a rocker and a character, a full package, and I think without her whole package, the songs aren't really good enough to stand alone. I hope I'm wrong, but I... hmm. I see a steam train rolling onto the stage that night. I anxiously await it with glee.

Tony Bennett. You know I love me crooners. And I love/hate standards night on American Idol. It's deliciously awful for the people who can't sing (they get exposed -- ahem, Kellie Pickler) and a lovely showcase for the people who can.

Martina McBride. Eeeee! I say eeee, but there are actually very few Martina McBride songs that I can see blowing the voters away and really being vote-worthy. She has a lot of ballads that won't scream "vote for me!" So the contestants are going to have to get creative and insert themselves, do their own thang, dawg. Very few of the contestants can do "Independence Day" and get away with it, because it was Carrie Underwood's signature just two seasons ago, so they'll have to do it so much better in order to not be compared to her. Other than that, there's "Broken Wing"; someone should scoop that one up quickly, because if you do that one right, it's the automatic winner. The guys have the advantage of the night, because the girls will be compared to the original, while the guys can basically do the song closer to as-is without coming under too much fire from the judges. She has a huge body of work, so the contestants should start looking through her songlist now. And so help me pete, if anyone sings that horrible song about God-fearing women who don't want to stir the gravy anymore and decide to quit the Baptist choir and their marriages to become whores, I will shred someone's vocal chords with my own fingernails. I'll do it, don't make me come out there to Hollywood, peeps! It will be an interesting night.

Lulu and Peter Noone from Herman's Hermits on British Invasion 60s night. 60s night. I could cry.

Barry Gibb from The BeeGees. I cheered at this one. Cheered. I loooove the BeeGees.

"Sowing the Seeds of Love". Ahahahahaha. The snaps are killing me.

I hate the V-cast commercials. If I was sitting on a plane, and a random stranger asked if he could check out my V-cast, I would say no. Nobody else is putting my very own earbuds inside their ears. Maybe Frank. Maybe my sister or my mom. That's about my limit. So disgusting.

Ryan asks Chris Sligh if he's nervous, and Chris is nervous that America took the banter with Simon the wrong way. America, Chris loves Simon. Simon likes Chris, because Chris loves Simon.

Foot Fungus Freak Paul Kim wore shoes for getting kicked off and also for "Sowing the Seeds of Love". I betcha the producers demanded it and Lysoled the stage. He does not take my advice and still does the gansta hip-hop dance while singing about his guilty, stinky, neckid athlete's feet.

Amy Krebs is the first girl to get the ax, and Ryan decides he hates her, so he asks Simon to give her words of wisdom. "You're not a standout" or something like that. Oops, should have asked Paula for a rah-rah speech.

Fantasia comes out to sing, and the singing is good, but her dress is way too tight. I don't mean just immodestly tight (if I wanted to talk about modesty, I could go on about other aspects of the dress). I mean that dress is painted into her. Not onto her. Into. Come on, you're like super-rich now. You can't find a dress that fits? Or a stylist? Fantasia, I voted for you many times! Don't embarrass me by not knowing that you're a size 6 and not a 4. And 6 is awesome. Don't try to squeeze into a 4 just because that's what you wore in high school. Remember you've had a baby since high school. No wait, you had the baby in high school. Ok, so you should be used to the 6 by now. Face the facts. I do love you, so I come in peace.

Second boy to get the boot is Rudy Cardenas, because he no sing English. He speaks English just fine, but when he starts singing, he just garbles all the words, so I happily say goodbye.

Second girl to go is Nicole Tranquillo, and the second time she sings, I'm doing that cringing thing I did the first time I heard her sing. What is that? How did she get through to the top 24? I don't get that. Not at all.

Ok, now we watch tonight's episode. Just remember, I'm 100% on my predictions so far. I'm awesome.

IDOLS 02... Amy Krebs is next up in a hideous early '90s pattern dress that's a little too big for her. She sings "I Can't Make You Love Me". That is true. You also can't make me wake up. Unexciting. Safe. I like her hair, though. That's something. Randy says she should have been soulful, but she went safe. Paula says yes. Randy says she's better than that. Simon says she's forgettable and has the personality of a candle. Amy says yes sir, Simon, and it's all he can do to keep from rolling his eyes. He tells her everything about her right now, including the dress and the hair, are forgettable.

IDOLS 03... Leslie Hunt is next, and I read today or yesterday that she has the Lupus, so we're supposed to feel sorry for her and vote accordingly. No, I promise to make fun of her shortcomings just like I do with the other contestants, Lupus notwithstanding. I didn't hold back on Elliott last year because of his diabetes (of course, I really liked him, but when he was bad I said so), and I didn't hold back on Kellie Pickler because of her cognitive disability. In fact, I made fun of that, worked it into my schtick. Leslie looks much older than 24. Y'all check her ID. Anyway, her dress is ok, nothing offensive, a little nondescript. The boots don't work with the dress. She's singing "(You Make Me Feel Like A) Natural Woman". Y'all remind me to make fun of that song title someday. Anyway, I hope that spastic stage dancing isn't related to the Lupus, because I need to make fun of that and don't want to feel sorry for her about it instead. That's some bad dancing. The singing is fine, and she's really trying, but she's not blowing me away. But she's not trying to be safe, so I appreciate that. Randy says Dawg, you're no Aretha. Well, neither are you, Dawg! Paula says she did great. Simon says nuh-uh. He says it was ok, but she's a dog walker and she was out of her element, and Ryan says he actually knows what Simon is saying. Yes, Ryan, that you're his... coworker.

IDOLS 04... Sabrina Sloan is up next, looking cute and almost modest in a white see-thru long blouse (it had potential to be cute) and jeans. And very uncomfortable shoes. She's singing "I Never Loved a Man". The ladies love Aretha tonight. She's fantastic. Everything about her. The voice, the song, the stage presence. Randy loves her, Paula loves vodka and standing ovations, and Simon loves himself and self-adulates over his previous comments. How he is so right to say that the ordinary performances are just not good enough, because someone like Sabrina comes on and proves what Idol is all about. Simon says she's the best yet. SarahK agrees. Sabrina smiles. Hey, that was a movie back when I was five! I loved that movie! No wait. It was Savannah Smiles. I loved that movie, but now it's not as exciting. Ryan asks why no ballad? Sabrina says she actually watches the show and wants to win. Vote for her for sure.

IDOLS 05... Antonella Barba, the BFF whose BFF got cut from the show. Because God likes good people. But apparently, Antonella let Amanda pick her song for her, because Antonella (I'm guessing the parents really wanted a boy and wanted to name her after the father Anthony, right?) is singing "Don't Wanna Miss a Thing" by Aerosmith. As soon as I heard the opening notes... sigh. So let's talk about the look. I hate those shirts that have little short sleeves but the shoulders cut out. What IS that? You don't want people to see your dandruff, so you cut out the dandruff's landing pad? I don't get it. She's pretty in red, but huh. Jeans, red heels. I'm not pleased with the hair. She has this gorgeous long brown hair, and she pulled it back in a boring ponytail. Why, to show off those big hoop earrings? They're plain. Ok, the song. Pitch problems galore. I thought she might do something good with it when she stepped off that urinal chair she was sitting on, but no. Then at the end, when the song gets really huge, she just took it down a hundred notches for the teeny ending. It didn't work. Randy is displeased. Paula breaks out the beautiful card, which means that it tanked, and Simon says the song was way too big for her, but the good news is she's attractive. Yes, Simon, but she hid the hair to show off the earrings! Wow, I have the DVR paused on her face right after Simon's harsh judging, and she is gorgeous. I'm not kidding, she could be a Max Factor model. Why does that makeup brand pop into my head? Look at her bone structure, nice unobtrusive (inobtrusive?) ears. Very pretty. Simon says she might go home. Anthony Jr.'s mom's eyes are huge at that remark. Jr. asks what she can do better, and Simon tells her to sing pop. Ryan says, did you realize that song was a risk? Anthony Jr. says, yes but I figured it was a risk worth taking. Simon says, It would be like Ryan doing the news, and Jr. does not hide that she thinks that's funny. Ryan graciously says she was better than that.

Before the break, Ryan says that Jordin Sparks is singing Tracey Chapman next. My automatic blind prediction is that Jordin Sparks is the first Wednesday night casualty. She's going home.

IDOLS 06... Jordin Sparks really for real is singing Tracy Chapman's "Gimme One Reason" on AI. I've decided to be annoyed with that until she makes me forget to be annoyed by completely ticking me off. Ok, um, remember when I challened Triple F on his hip-hop thing for "I'm never gonna dance again..."? A'ight. Listen up, sweetums, because you're only seventeen and have likely never had a bad breakup, and you don't know what this song is about. She's walking out on him, breaking up, walking out of his life, but she doesn't want to go. "Give me one reason to stay, and I'll turn right back around...This youthful heart can love you and give you what you need... " and you are up there running around the stage, parading, smiling and hooraying and soooo excited to be leaving this guy! But in the song, she is telling him, come on, just give me one reason to stay. I will do it, you can see me already turning around, just give me the word, gimme one good reason. You got it all wrong. Sounded great, but you performed it wrong. Dead wrong. Randy, who professes to know about music and be a musician, is not offended by her complete ignorance of the lyrics. Paula loves that she had fun with the song. I don't remember what Simon said.

07... Nicole Tranquillo is yelling a lot. Her black and silver top is pretty, but her black jeans look badly faded, and not stylishly. What did she sing? "Let's Stay Together". Wow, that's really that song? Supposedly, according to Randy, kind of a mix of the Chaka Khan and Erica Badu versions? Well. A lot of yelling, not much good. But I did enjoy watching her dad try to keep rhythm. Poor guy. He just did not get the rhythm gene. Anyway, I did not love her. Randy says it's the wrong kind of song for her. Paula says she doesn't know how many people can hit the notes that Nicole hit. Right Paula. Not many people. Paula says it was out of this world. Indeed. Simon says it was indulgent and the wrong song. Ryan asks if she has what it takes. Randy says yeah dawg, but it doesn't take that song. Blah blah, there's banter, and I'm bored. Can we get back to that Sabrina girl?

Hey, we had a real life bona fide runaway show up on our door step tonight. Commenced the Sarah Nervous Talky thing. She's fine. Her parents picked her up about forty-five minutes after she arrived. I bawled like a baby when I shut the door, it was very emotional.

Y'all live for my little life vignettes, don't y'all? Admit it.

IDOLS 08... Haley Scarnato is singing a Celine Dion song. "It's All Coming Back to Me". Apparently it never came to you, because you, too, have never read the lyrics you're singing. What is WITH the girls tonight? I'm losing my patience. I do, for an unknown reason, like the big doubloon around her neck. Matches the ones on Paula's ears. LOL, Chris Sligh looks incredibly bored during her judging. Her outfit is ok, but it'd be better if she hadn't lost the top. Anyway, she sings so happily and whimsically about how it's all coming back to her. Yes, Celine understands the soap opera of this song. She's moved on, she's gotten on with her life, and she's stronger now, but then he starts touching her and kissing her, and it's all coming back, and oh no. She is so not prepared for this. It's so very Sonny and Carly Corinthos today on General Hospital. Do y'all get that at the AI mansion? Watch today's episode on the soap channel tonight and see how you should have sang that song. Again. All wrong. And the whimsy arm waves were too cheesy. Too much! Don't do that, or you'll beat that blue sapphire heart right off your chest at the Oscars, Haley. Ugh. What a beating that was. Randy did not love it. Paula says she wishes Haley would have sung something they hadn't already heard her sing, but Haley is pretty. Simon says Haley sounds like she's 40. Haley tells Ryan that of course she appreciates the judges' critiques, but she's going to be her own self and sing what she wants. Well, for a week or two or zero, anyway, right, Haley? Oh, by the way, Haley botched the words like mad on this song. Every other word out of her mouth was wrong.

IDOLS 09... Melinda Doolittle is singing about being hurt in a real bad way with a giant smile on her face. Not YOU, Melinda! She's singing "Sweet Sweet Baby Since You've Been Gone" (Aretha). Her voice and energy are incredible. She's amazing, but I am appalled that she sang so happily about having been kicked to the curb. Have any of these girls ever been broken up with before? She looks great, too. Jeans, cute top, brown leather jacket, ugly earrings. Cute hair. Randy loves her, Paula loves her and her firecrackyness. Did Paula just call her a cracker? Paula, Paula, Paula. Too much vodka. Simon loves her and her story and really hopes she does well.

IDOLS 10... Alaina Alexander up front says that she's emotional and sensitive. Oh, she's perfect for Idol! I hope she reads my Idol snarkage. Anyway, she's dressed kinda nondescript for Idol. Didn't dress up or down, like she doesn't want to be noticed. That's not good. What great hair she has, though. Some of these other girls should learn from her. It's the first hair of the night that really stands out as good hair. Yes, the song. Well, it was not good enough. What can I say? She sang something about being special and wanting attention? "Brass in Pocket" by the Pretenders, apparently. She didn't really do anything special with the song. Or anything attention-worthy. I've already forgotten it. Randy says it was pitchy, dawg. Paula says that what Randy meant was that she didn't make it her own. No Paula, pitchy means "off-key". Take away the Coke cup, guys. Simon says what I said about her not being special and that she's going to depend on her looks to get by. Ryan starts being all sweet, and Simon asks if Ryan wants to date her. Simon, did you hear yourself and the pronoun at the end of the sentence? Rethink it. Ryan fumbles around for a long time. Again, I'm bored.

IDOLS 11... Gina Glocksen is tired of auditioning for American Idol, so she's ready to win it. The good news, Gina, is that now that you've made the top 24, you're no longer eligible to audition. So whether you win or not, you're done. So you get your wish either way! Glad I can bear the good news. Anyway, the music starts, and I'm scared for her. "All By Myself", the Celine version. All my muscles are tense, because this can go very badly. It can also go well. She looks as good as a girl with a tongue bolt can look, I guess. Oh, speaking of that! My sister's biopsy results came back today. It is definitely cancer, stage 0, but they think they got it all and she'll just have to go back every three months for biopsies. Ok, so here's the big note, and she hits it, and after the note, she finishes the song well and with a little non-Celine flair, even, which impresses me. Good for her. Randy is happy, Paula is praising the unicorns, and Simon says that she surprised him singing that song but he doesn't think she hit the big note. Ryan asks her about her confidence. 6 pre-performance, and 12 post-performance, because she's sure she hit the note. Tivo is our friend. I've listened to it three times, and it sounds to me like she hit it. She had to tweak it slightly, but she ended up where she needed to be, and at least she wasn't smiling giddily while singing about being all alone her bleak, isolated, cat-lady world. Ahem. If ever Frank leaves me, I'll be a cat lady, so I'm insulting only me there.

IDOLS 12... Lakisha Jones is the last of the girls. *sigh* I'm too tired to even talk about her dress. There is too much of her ginormous breasts for that dress. It's a pretty dress, lovely red and gold, perfect for the Chinese New Year. But those bazoombas need their own matching purses, good grief. I guess I wasn't too tired to talk about the dress. She's singing "And I Am Telling You" by Jennifer Holiday and now Jennifer Hudson, so it will be high on the judges' radar. Did she just feel herself up in her hoo-hah region? Was that on purpose? I mean, everything else she's doing on that stage is very well crafted, so I have to think she went for her own hoo-hah on purpose. I mean, there was a dress barrier there, but... whatever. Too tired. Hoo-hah girl is awesome. Different league. She's amazing with her voice and her acting and her bazoombas and hoo-hah and her hair that won't stay out of her mouth no matter how hard she tries to keep it out. Randy says Jennifer Hudson watch out! Yes, she'll watch out from behind her little statuette. He can protect her (if she wins). Paula says hooray! Simon says, to correct someone earlier, let me be haughty for a moment and take away from your moment just a smidge, that's the right note. Lakisha looks uncomfy with that remark but smiles with her Godzilla breasts. Her Godzeasts. King Kongas. Simon says he's tempted to tell 23 people to book their tickets home, because she's in a different league.

Ryan asks the judges between the guys and the girls, how many would you keep? Randy says he'd keep about 4 guys and 8 girls, and that's exactly what Judge Extraordinaire SarahK would have said. Paula says everyone is so beautiful in all the plum fairy land! Oh, and some of you can sleep great tonight. But the rest of you... pick the right song. (If you're here.) Ryan asks Simon the score, and Simon says that there were about 4 good performances tonight and Lakisha has thrown down the gauntlet. Yes, the Gauntlet of Breasts. Cutlet?

Ok, the order...

12 Lakisha Jones*
04 Sabrina Sloan*
01 Stephanie Edwards*
09 Melinda Doolittle* - was better than Stephanie but got major points off for the smiling while getting kicked to the curb thing
11 Gina Glocksen*
03 Leslie Hunt
06 Jordin - sounded better than Leslie, but got major points off for not knowing anything about lyrics
08 Haley
10 Alaina Alexander
05 Antonella - at least she moved around on the stage, unlike Amy.
07 Nicole - Yes, Antonella was pitchier, but Nicole yelled her whole song, and I wasn't crazy about her tone.
02 Amy Krebs - zzzzz.

Prediction: I think Amy is gone for sure. Either Nicole or Alaina will leave with her... hmm. Alaina has that hot girl thing going on (not that Nicole isn't pretty, she is, but Alaina has all that hair). I think Antonella will skate easily. Ok, Amy and Nicole.

On the guy side, oh please let it be A.J. and Rudy, who haven't quite mastered the art of singing in English. But I don't think it will be them. I think it will be Rudy and Paul. The Foot Fungus Freak. Which kind of makes me sad, because I was going to start with my mushroom jokes next week. There's always tomorrow night, I guess.

IDOLS 03... Sundance Head was one of the best in his audition, then fell apart in Hollywood week and is hoping to redeem himself tonight. He's singing "Nights in White Satin", and it starts off a little pitchy and shaky, so I'm kinda worried for him. Yeah, it doesn't get much better. He keeps belting, but it just never comes back on track... I almost want to vote for him as a mercy vote. He's having a rough time. Randy says he needs to go back to the bluesy Sundance from the audition, and he is pitchy Dawg. Paula says yeah. Simon says he agrees and doesn't like Sundance tonight, and you can see the pain in his eyes. He has very emotional eyes. I can't take it, I feel my fingers pulling toward the phone for a Sundance vote. He's in danger of going home unless one of the other unremarkables does something unremarkable. LOL, one of the judges had said something about Sundance's arms flailing about while he was singing (it was Simon), and Ryan asks Sundance what he would do differently with his arms next time. Paula, of all people, starts doing the Simon Chicken Breast Rub and rubs her hands all over her upper chest. Ryan joins in. Hahahahaha. I love it. They picked up on it on The Soup a couple of weeks ago, too. One of the best Idol moments this season.

IDOLS 04... Paul Kim, the Foot Fungus Freak. Yeah, I've decided that until he wears shoes, he is a walking athlete's foot machine. We get it, you've shown us your gimmick, whatever. You can spray your tootsies with Lysol and put your flip-flops back on. Anyway, he's singing "Careless Whisper", ok? And he's doing the hip-hop hand motions, right? I'm never gonna dance again... yo... whatup... uh... guilty feet indeed. The up-and-down hand motions do not go with the song. Listen to your words, Triple F. Yaaaawwwwwnnnnn. This is soooo boring. I know why the hand motions, he's rocking himself to sleep... and aaaaaaack!!! What in the world was that? Right in the middle goes up into the worst Ace Young falsetto -- way worse than any Ace ever did -- and completely botches it. Randy says maybe the song is not right. Collagen asks how he feels, which is her way of saying that it sucked, and Simon says that it was 3rd rate and he should put his shoes on. I'm with you, Simon. Oh, and Randy and Paula want the viewers to remember that Triple F is one of the best voices in the competition. Eh, I can do without him and his many fungi.

So far, I feel let down tonight. Who will save this wretched heap of deflating manhood?

Oh dear, Ryan took off his shoes to show his support. Plus, he just got a pedicure, and he says the Triple F definitely needs a pedi.

IDOLS 05... Chris Richardson dresses like Justin Timberlake, looks a little like a cross between K-Fed and JT, so Britney's Dream Ex. Well, here's a much better song choice than the other guys, because I'm not scowling upon hearing the opening. Gavin Degraw's "I Don't Wanna Be". About three bars in, I'm kinda rocking back and forth, watching closely because I'm not sure what to think, and Frank is saying, "It it just me, or is that really bad? Doesn't that sound like me trying to sing it?" And halfway through, I rewind and start it over; I'm too puzzled. I have to listen with my eyes closed. And I think what's happened is that he's been compared to JT enough that he's trying to sing a rockish song with a popish flare to it, you know, do his own thang, dawg, so that they can't judge him on a pop song and compare him to JT apples to apples? Maybe. And I don't know why, but I almost like it. I think I like it for the high notes. Definitely requires eye closure, though. Too much weird gyrating and chicken dancing for my taste. But I don't like it enough to vote for it. Frank thinks it's terrible. Randy says yo yo, the show just started. Not your best vocal. Paula says yummy! Simon says the girls will love you and vote for you, but your vocals sounded small up there. YES, exactly!

IDOLS 06... Nick Pedro is definitely one of the cutest of the guys, not that I think he's cute, but other girls might. He's singing "Now and Forever" by Richard Marx, and in the beginning, he is having a hard time keeping up with the band. He finally gets it together, but it's a little pitchy. The high part is good, but eh. It was pretty blaaaaaaaah. Nice voice, and I want him to stick around, so I hope the little teeny boppers fawn over that hunky smile of his and vote for him. I can't vote for that performance. He'll probably be middle of the pack.

IDOLS 07... Blake Lewis, the beatboxer. I'm glad he said the beatboxing will be used sparingly, because really, save it for special occasions and a song here and there on your album. This is a singing competition. He's singing "Somewhere Only We Know" by Keane. I've never heard the song, and I haven't heard him sing much, so let's to it... Oooooooh. For me, this was a chest-holder. One of those songs where I just put my hand on my chest and didn't move until it was over. That was lovely. I like his voice. Am calling to vote for him right now. Line's busy. Will try again later. Finally, someone stepped up. Good job.

IDOLS 08... Sanjaya Malakar is singing, oh guess whose song Sanjaya is singing? Sanjaya, have you not read in the SarahK Rules of Idol that you are not allowed to sing Stevie Wonder songs? No one is. Nothing good can come of it. Some song about not wanting to bore me and I love you, I love you, I love you, you're boring, you're a lovely little lemondrop candycane. Snoooooooze. Randy says no, dawg. No one can sing Stevie Wonder. Yes, that's why they did a whole Stevie Wonder night last year, Sanjaya -- or was that just to make all my hair fall out? I can't recall. Paula says something about lovely poppies in a field, and Simon agrees with me on the boring but says people will like his hair. They have hair banter, and it's uncomfy talk with Ryan about age until the break. Yes, we get it, he's 17. Big whoop, Leann Rimes was 14 when she yodeled "Blue", so don't talk to me about age.

IDOLS 09... Chris Sligh is up, and he was my favorite coming in, so I hope with all the hope in my heart that he's great tonight. He's funny in his interview, makes fun of wanting to sing "Do I Make You Proud" in the finale. He sings "Typical" by Mute Math. Frank and I thought it was the best of the night. I could have done without the annoying Pink Floydathon they had going on with the lights, but the singing was great. I'll vote for that. Randy likes it, Paula likes it. Simon says that yes, his humor did get him here (referring to his interview), but he felt like he was at a college singing or something, and Ryan wants to know when kids just start randomly singing at college. I knew what Simon meant, like karaoke night in the SUB, but Ryan is talking over the judges when it's not his turn, and Simon starts to hissy... Simon says shut up, and those two girls just start the squabbling. Meanwhile, Chris tries to break the ice and says something like, "I just wanna know, just because I don't sing the types of songs like Il Divo and the Teletubbies..." referring to the men's opera group Simon started and the Teletubbies Christmas album that Simon is responsible for, and hahaha, he researched just in case Simon insulted him so he could fling poo back. Simon says, "You could always play a Teletubby." So Simon is getting ugly with Chris because he's in the middle of his lover's quarrel with Ryanne, whom he has already called "Sweetheart" in their little match. So Chris doesn't get a very constructive judging, because Ryan has cut Simon off, and they're arguing over who has prettier nail polish. Oh Simon, you know Ryan spends hours picking out his nail color, just let him win. Vote for Chris, BTW.

IDOLS 10... Jared Cotter. This is really the first time we're seeing him, so great, clean slate for him. That can be great. And he's singing a stupid, retarded, foot fungus song. "Back at One" by Brian McKnight. Forgettable. Well-sung, but forgettable. Terrible song choice.

IDOLS 11... A.J. Tabaldo. I hear the opening horns of the song and roll my eyes. I'm sorry, didn't we already hear him? Wasn't this the first guy, the one whom I couldn't understand at all? Because he's back. This time singing the safe and boring "All My Love" or something like that, who cares. Goodbye.

NUMBER WITHHELD... Last is the family-abandoning Phil Stacey, who left his wife to have a baby on her own so he could audition for Idol. Wasn't due for another week. Ok, so you just left your 9-months pregnant wife. That's so much better. Why do you feel the need to explain yourself? Do you feel guilty? Because you should. Look how your wife came with you to support you in Hollywood. Like you didn't do when she had your baby. I'm not one to make fun of physical features, so I won't. But I do feel so much negativity for this man who left his 9-months pregnant wife to audition, so I will say this: He should grow some hair or wear the hat like he wore in his audition. And it's nothing to do with the bald head. Oh, and would everyone shut up about Britney's bald head already? Anyway, he sings "I Could Not Ask for More", a song I love. The beginning is shaky and bad at best, but to be honest, that is a hard song to sing. You have to have range to sing it. I can nail the chorus and the coda, but I really struggle with the beginning, because probably most people who hit the chorus with ease are uncomfy with the beginning -- it's too low for us. It's too low for me, anyway. It's barely in my range. /me being nice. He eases into the chorus and does his own thing near the end. I'm more impressed with his performance than I want to be. Vocally, I'd say he's in the top three tonight, even though I want to punch him in his dumb monkey face. No, I wouldn't actually do that, so if his dumb monkey face ends up punched, y'all look at other suspects before me, ok? Randy is like, "You're my hero! Can you also fly and turn invisible?" Paula's like, "Can you melt things with your brain? Better yet, can you make vodka appear out of thin air?" Simon says, "Yeah, it was monstrous in the beginning and good at the end, but it wasn't the best thing since self-healing cheerleaders." He starts name-dropping past Idol contestants.

Ok, the ranking (I only call in votes for the *s):

09 Chris Sligh - 07 Blake Lewis*
07 Blake Lewis - 09 Chris Sligh*
NW Phil Stacey - even though he's a pale-faced mealy-mouthed ninny, and I hate him.

Everyone else pretty much did nothing for me.

06 Nick Pedro* - changed my mind. I guess I can vote for it, even though he doesn't deserve it.
02 Brandon Rogers
05 Chris Richardson, and I don't know why.
08 Sanjaya Malakar
10 Jared Cotter
03 Sundance Head*
04 Paul Kim - Foot Fungus Freak
11 A.J. Tabaldo - come on. I don't care if you speak English, but at least sing in English.
01 Rudy Cardenas - ditto.

I'm so offended by all these guys coming out and playing it safe. This is the first time they get a chance to show off, to prove that they should be the one whose record I'm buying in nine months, and they want to sing a crappy Stevie Wonder song to me? That is so RUDE! Same thing happens every year. I feel like a broken record. You can't win Idol playing it safe, because you're just counting on everyone else screwing up. One person is bound to break out and do something worth voting for, and you'll be left in the dust. But if only one person is breaking out, that makes for tedious television for the 30 million of us watching.

Gina Glocksen made it through. They showed her singing in Hollywood week, and she was so good. I'm very happy she's in. Simon is smiling as she's running out the door holding her high heels. Fantastic. Congratulations.

Jimmy McNeal and Errick Johnson are out.

Haley Scarnato is in. She didn't bother to dress up for the occasion. Most everyone else is dressed to impressed.

Philip Stacy. He's that bast**d who missed his daughter's birth to audition. If I hadn't remembered that, I would really have wanted him to go through, because wow, I like his voice. But his priorities are all wrong, so I'm not a fan. He's in the top 24. Woo frakkin hoo. I'm sure his neglected baby will be happy for him.

Frank is so envious that the contestants got to see the Simpsons movie.

Chris Sligh walks in and says to the judges, "You guys are probably wondering why I called this meeting today." Frank and I are laughing. We think he is actually hilarious. Not one of those contestants who thinks he's funny but falls flat. Chris is genuinely funny. Every time he speaks, we laugh. So we want him to stick around. Oh yeah, there's also the singing. He's great at that, too. We're fans. Yay for Chris! I don't know what Simon's talking about with that "you're not one of the better singers." I differ. No begging. I just differ. Off you go, Simon. Anyway, he's in.

Blake Lewis, the beatboxer who brings the 'NSYNC factor to AI this year. He's through. They haven't showed much of his singing. I wish they would.

Thomas Lowe is out. Didn't I read something about him? I don't remember what.

Rudy Cardenas. They show him singing in Hollywood week, and I'd actually be ok with him staying. Nice high notes. And he stays.

Paul Kim insists on going barefoot every time he appears on the show. Oh good. We need someone pregnant in the AI kitchen. Fantastic. Also, he'll always wear his lucky American Idol "draw'rs". Whatever. Phony. ::eye roll:: He's in the final 24. I am not crazy about the voice. Or the toenails for that matter. Moving on.

Jordan Sparks. They show her singing in Hollywood week, and she sounds great to me. She's through to 24.

Olivia Quiba-Hurst and Tatiana McConnico are out. I kinda wanted Tatiana to go through just because I love her name. It's all to do with my favorite author.

A.J. Tabaldo is through, but I sure hope he learns how to sing in Ingles before the voting starts, or I'll have to learn how to dial in Espanol. Or I can just not vote for him.

Stephanie Edwards is in. Never heard of her.

Hershey's All Natural Extra Dark Pure Mint Dark Chocolates are yummy. /product endorsement

Leslie Hunt is in. Judging by her Hollywood week singing, I'd have preferred Tami Gosnell.

Nick Pedro, who is all kinds of sexy (for the single ladies, of course -- I wouldn't know, because only Frank is sexy to me), is through. I'm glad of it.

Alaina Alexander sounds like she has potential. But she needs work. Randy's really drawing it out, which means she's in. And she's in. They're so predictable.

Y'all, Minerva is so funny. She jumped up on top of Rowdi's crate and then started hissing and spitting at Rowdi through the afghan that's on top of the crate. Rowdi's so tired from going to the dog spa today that she was just like, "What the --? Ma, I just want to sleep. Can you just deal with this for me? I'm going back to sleep. Thanks." And she grunted and rolled over. /Fleming house commentary

Chris Richardson has a Justin Timberlake in early 'NSYNC days sound to his voice. Frank thinks he looks like K-Fed. That is uncalled-for. Oh I do love my Homedics Shiatsu Massaging Back Cushion. It rocks. That Chris Richardson fella is in.

Sabrina Sloan. I can tell from her H-week singing that she's in. Simon tells her they've decided "not... to exclude" her.

Jerome Chism is out. Joelle James is out. Matt Buckstein the cowboy is out. I figured if he got this far, he'd make it. Princess Johnson is out.

Lakisha Jones. Wow, she's dynamic. And she's in.

Nicole Tranquillo is in. She's interesting.

Jared Cotter is in. His Hollywood week singing didn't sound that great to me. Good, not great.

Amy Krebs. Never seen her before. She sounds good. She's in.

Last two guys, last two girls. They have to face off. Marisa Rhodes vs. Antonella Barba (BFF#2).

They wish each other luck on the elevator, of course, because the cameras are rolling. From everything I've heard, they both should have gone through, and there are several girls I would have picked off whose place Marisa should have taken. I think the judges missed the mark on her. Maybe there's some behind the scenes drama we don't know about, but hmm. They baffled me here. I don't think that Antonella and Marisa should have been the last two girls standing. They should both be in. Hmm.

Last two guys. They could just spare us the drama, because we all know that Sundance is going through to the top 24. No brainer. Tommy Daniels is the other one. He was from the Seattle auditions and had lovely tone. Sundance was all over the place in Hollywood week, and the judges are going to put him through to the top 24 based on his very first audition. Honestly, I think Soulpatch Sundance has a great voice but probably should have been cut when he could never remember his words. But I guess the judges are going on the talent that they know is there, even though Soulpatch Head has a major nerves issue.

Wow, not a single blonde in the top 12 girls. For some reason, I'm feeling remarkably relieved about that. I wonder why.

Ok, on to the boys. Day 2.

Oh yes, I remember liking Brian Miller in his audition. I hope they keep him. He has nice pipes. But he should change his clothes. Jarrod Fowler too. I like him.

Matt Sato. I think he has some growing up to do before he can continue on. He cries all the time, and he's very ... I don't know ... chorus line? I just feel like he's gonna bust out with spirit fingers any minute now.

I think the judges got that one backwards. They sent Jarrod home and kept Matt. And oh my word, Matt, go sing with the girls on group night, would you stop crying already?

Eeee! Group night! The stuff that makes your ears bleed! Get out your iodine, kids!

Oh, and the crygirl Matt can't find a group. Well, maybe you should hook up with that other girl who's over there crying. She needs someone to sing with. It's almost too much to watch. This is where I can hear Cesar Millan talking about how dogs in nature kill the weakest members of the pack. A dog is sick or weak? They kill it. A contestant cries like a baby every time his mama hugs him? The other contestants kill it. Oh come on, I'm just kidding. If I was there, they'd feed me wheat.

There's that nice cowboy Matt Buckstein who was in Jarrod the singing cowboy's group last year. I'm glad he's back this year. He was so gracious last year.

Huh. Perla's group is frustrated with her, because she can't harmonize.

And there's DRAMA ALL AROUND! Especially with the girl groups. Because we're just evil! EVIL, I SAY! Vicious little monsters.

BTW, it's good they're not in Vegas for Hollywood week, or many of these girls would go off and get hitched in the middle of the night just so they wouldn't have to learn their lyrics. I'm sure of it.

Ok. Judgment time. I just don't get it. They have an entire night to partition out and learn one song. And they only have to sing about what? Ninety seconds in each group? Not even a whole song. How can they not remember the words? It's like cramming for a test, only you only have to cram for about a third of the test, because the professor decides about a third of the way through that you've done enough.

So of course, they start dropping like flies forgetting the words.

Matt Sato is one of them. What, no tears when you get kicked off?

Perla is the weakest link in her group, and she says in perfect English that it's her job to prove them wrong. Dude, where's your English when it matters? Anyway, when it matters, she screws up and sounds awful, and the rest of the group is great, and Salpeneloperla is out. Adios.

Chris Sligh's group is great, they sound like 'NSYNC! They have the beatboxer, and oh, I've missed 'NSYNC! Yay! Claps all around from me.

Sundance's group. Oh no. He is forgetting lyrics, jumping in early, the girls aren't very good... they put him through to the next round anyway, and Simon tells Paula a couple of times that she was very generous with him. Sundance knows it and says he has to pull something together or else.

In Baylie Brown's group, Antonella is the only one who remembers her words. Baylie remembers only two words. The other blonde chick, who isn't memorable at all and will be gone within seconds if she even gets to the voting rounds, forgets some of her words too. The best friends make it through, and Baylie goes home. I'm really disappointed in her. Man, I wanted to see her in the top five. She has one of the best voices this season. Period. Then one of the BFFs (not Antonella) tries to say that it's because God likes good people. That is one of the snobbiest and stupidest things I've ever heard. That is so RUDE! Whatever, you'll be gone soon too. What then? God hates you then? Idiot. Ryan says her name is Amanda. Baylie says she worked so hard and didn't flirt all night, and BFF Amanda says I didn't flirt. We never flirt. Flashback to last night when Amanda was flirting at 3:30 a.m. and then Antonella and Baylie had to give up on Amanda and go to bed without their routine ready.

So they do the thing where they split them up into three rooms, and at this point, really I have no horses in the race. I'd like to see Antonella make it through, because I like her voice, and I think she has an insufferable BFF, and I know that if Antonella makes it through and Amanda doesn't, then Amanda will go the rest of her life thinking, "Well if only I hadn't asked Antonella to go down to that audition with me, I might have made it through to the next round instead of her." Oh don't beat yourself up, Amanda. If you hadn't asked Antonella to go with you, you wouldn't have made it to Hollywood, babe.

I'm happy to see Sundance and Chris through to the top 40. And Gina from a couple seasons ago and that Indian boy, but his sister didn't get through. And Antonella made it, but not Amanda. Amanda is pretending to be happy for Antonella. Yes Amanda. Because God likes good people.

William Green from Dallas just isn't sure which key he wants to use for "Amazing Grace", and that sort of offends me. Too funny, he's so nice about being told no, and then when he leaves, he says, "Now when I leave, I'm gonna talk trash, but that's just for the camera, ok?" And the judges tell him, ok, represent! And he goes out yelling and talking trash, and it's funny, and the judges are cracking up. I forgive him for utterly destroying "Amazing Grace".

I mean, seriously. They can't kill off Ryan instead? I really liked him at first, but he started getting all whiney after he shot himself in the eye with the nail gun. And he gets preachy and stupid occasionally. I'm just sayin', if they have to kill off a CSI, why not him? Horatio has already lost his brother and his wife. It is just wrong for him to also lose his brother-in-law, even if he was only married for about five minutes before Delko's sister was killed.

Oh yes. American Idol. Akron Watson is William Green's cousin and is also from Dallas. He's a much better singer than his cousin, but yes, Simon is correct. No personality, boring when he's not singing. So Paula suggests he start singing again to keep Simon interested, and he sings "Let's Get it On". Yawn. But Simon is impressed, and he's through to Hollywood. He is very happy.

Sandie Chavez of Houston. I think that's supposed to be "Black Velvet". I mean, I recognize those words, but that is not the tune. I think that's the sound Minerva makes when Rowdi gets too close to her. Wow, it's an all-out breakdown from her.

Ashlyn Carr from Sugarland. Is that two words? I always thought it was one. She sings, and I'm typing and doing other things, so I'm not watching her, so it sounds good to me. Randy and Paula both pass on her because of her facial expressions, and I'm really confused because she sounded really good, but again, I wasn't watching. As she's leaving, Simon says he would have said yes, then he tells the other two judges that they made a mistake. She's already out at the street, and Seacrest has to flag her down, because Randy and Paula are like, ok, ok, maybe we should give her another shot. Ok, I rewound. The facial expressions are over the top, but I'm pretty sure that can be fixed. She's just hamming and doing what I'll bet her choir teacher told her to do. You know why they went and got her back? Because she didn't start cussing and throwing a fit. It's nice how she responded to the rejection.

Ok, so she comes back in and sings another song for them. Simon tells her she has very bad habits but she's too good to pass up. Randy likes her because she's unique. Paula says she has bad habits (don't we all, Ms. Abdul?). Oh, and while Simon is talking to her, he's rubbing all over his chest like he's trying to rub seasoning into a plump, whole chicken. Get those seasonings in there good, Simon! Rub in that salt and pepper! And when they tell her she's going to Hollywood is when she should jump across the table and kiss them all, but she barely even thanks them. She crosses herself and saunters out the door.

Jimmy McNeal from Waxahachie is the last auditioner, and he's singing "Cupid". He has a very nice voice. Very strong. Haha. He's going to Hollywood, and he tells his daughter, "I'm going to Hollywood." Her response is, "So?"

*sigh* Ryan just said something about the people who made it to Hollywood from Texas and then said, "Will we have another American Idol from the south?" If you're implying that Texas is in the south, Ryan, I'm not sure how many times you need to be told. I'm sure I've said it before. First of all, Texas stands alone. Second of all, if you must lump Texas in with a region, it's in the southwest. Not the south. I do not put sugar in my tea. That is disgusting.

Tomorrow, my DVR says that AI will be the best auditions of the season. Is that a trick to get me in the door, and then they show me the worst ones? Either way I suppose I'll watch.

Brandon Rogers has been a background singer for Anastasia and Christina Aguilera. He's singing "You Were Always on My Mind". He has a good tone, but he's getting pitchy in quite a few spots. If he were a cruise ship, I would be a little seasick. But the judges are all over him. They love him like Joe Biden loves Barak Obama. I believe Olivia Newton-John might even have remarked about how clean he is. I think he will be good, but again, I heard that a lot differently than the judges did, and I did not get the flittery chillywoos like Paula and Olivia did. Simon said best of the day. Okay.

Brian Miller got knocked out in Hollywood week last year and is back this year. Based on the voice and the adorable boy looks, I'd say yes.

Sherman Pore, 64, is singing a song for his lady who just died of cancer ("You Belong to Me"), two days before the audition. Their project was getting signatures for his petition to audition for AI, and he thinks that lifted her spirits while she was fighting the cancer. Even Simon doesn't give him a hard time and asks to shake his hand when he's done singing.

And OF COURSE I've got big ol' tears in my eyes. That was sweet.

Cavett and Darold are all over each other and are both auditioning. I have so many comments I could make. I won't. Anyway, two notes out of her mouth, and I'm sure she won't make it, because wow, I... just can't comment. Because if I say what that sounded like, y'all will think I'm commenting on her appearance, and I'm not. And she's singing about going down. That's highly inappropriate, and now she's flirting with Simon and winking and licking her lips, etc. And Darold is no better. They're made for each other. Two peas in a pod.

Eric Mueller is the last contestant of the day, and his falsetto is so high that only Justin Timberlake could hit that... if someone kicked him in the gralls!

Oh. AT&T is a sponsor of American Idol. I guess we can't watch it anymore. Sorry, y'all.

Next week it's San Antonio.

Victoria Watson has Crystal Gayle hair. She's a very sweet girl. She's singing "You Raise Me Up" by Josh Groban. She has a pretty voice but it's not Idol standard. Very nice when they told her no, though. No, please don't cry, because you're nice, and you'll make me sad, and I've been beaten down for two whole days and don't need to be sad tonight. But best of luck to you.

Lakia Hall. No no no no no no no no no. There is no reason for that ever to have been broadcast into my livingroom. No no. That was not nerves. What people say you can sing? No no. Don't do that. Ever.

Haha. Did y'all see that Ford commercial? Watch the text at the bottom of the screen. I thought it was going to be roughly the standard text.

Nichole Gatzman. She has the beginnings of a good voice but misses a fifth and goes up a third instead (or something like that) in "Something to Talk About". Randy says she's not ready yet but to keep trying. She's not bad, though, so she really should keep trying. She's just young. I was

Brandy Patterson is singing "Like a Virgin", and... oh. Then "Proud Mary". Wow. Um. She goes on for about ten minutes. We're cracking up at Simon cracking up because she is just so out there.

Tomorrow the auditions are in L.A. So if they get through to Hollywood, I guess the judges say "welcome to here."

Fania Tsakalakos. She is from Athens and New Jersey. I will say for her that she is dressed modestly. And she was very nice when she got the big "No". Everything else was odd and just... no. But she was nice.

Ashanti Johnson is a repeat customer. Twice in Hollywood? Why is her eyeshadow two different colors? I mean on the different eyes, a different color. Oh! Did she just swallow a canary? Dude. Carole Bayer Sager totally looks like Joan Collins right there. And Ashanti is begging from the depths of her soul now with a prepared monologue. You're done, sweetie. Get over yourself. And since you want to know what America thinks, and I'm one American... I would not have voted for that canary you swallowed that made my eyebrows join my hairline. Sorry. It's a no.

The BFF Saga

Oh goodness. Next up are Paris and Nicole. Or Paris and Brit and Lindsay. Or whichever two are best friends this weekend. Both very pretty, both very talkative in their little story clip. So the duet thing is an absolute trainwreck, and Simon recommends they split up for the audition. So Amanda Coluccio sings first, and she sings "Crazy" by Patsy Cline. It's ok, and you can tell she has a good voice, but she's nervous and goes off-key a few times. She's the one with more stage presence, more personality. The judges aren't "Crazy" about her, but they can tell she's nervous and decide to push her through to Hollywood. You can tell that the judges are just so tired by the time they've gotten to New York, that they're like, "Yeah, whatever, you're not crappy, you'll do." They're thankful to not have crap. Not to say she won't be good. But two seasons ago, she would have been a no, or been asked to sing another song.

Amanda gets her ticket to Hollywood, hugs her best friend and runs out of the room. Which I'm thinking is kinda sorry of her, because her best friend stuck around for moral support, but there goes Amanda right out of the room. No moral support for you, sorry! Gotta go celebrate. Her friend is genuinely happy for her. I can tell, because my Tivo freeze frame says so.

Next up is BFF#2, Antonella Barba. I can tell the first couple of bars in, she's better than Amanda. Those are the facts, I just lay them out. And her audition is better. Paula and Simon both say so, too. Four immediate yeses from the judges, and Paula tells her not to ever say "she's trained and I'm not". Antonella says, "Well, also, she didn't have her best audition. She's really good." LOL, Simon gives her showbiz advice and says to kick her while she's down. She says no way, not my best friend and walks out with her ticket to Hollywood.

Awkwardness afterward when BFF#1 Amanda asks, "So what did they say to you after I left? What were their comments to you? Do you think they thought you were good?" No, dufus, they let me through just as a favor to you because you were so, like, totally awesome! BFF#2 should have slapped BFF#1. BFF#2 was sooo diplomatic. "Oh yeah. Paula said that I should never say that you're trained and I'm not, because I was really good." And BFF#1 says, "Oh, good!" BFF#2 left out the part about the judges liking BFF#2 better.

I bet Lean Cuisine night was fun for them tonight. BFF#1 should be very grateful for BFF#2 sticking up for her.

End The BFF Saga... For Now!

Clifton Biddle. He plays the harmonica, just like Taylor Hicks. But he talks really slowly. He likes making people scream. Yes, so do serial killers. What is the DEAL with people starting their songs with the lead-in claps and stomps tonight? He's a yeller.

An astronaut, now that's one I hadn't thought of. I hope he sang "Fly Me to the Moon". Or "Moon River". Or "Moon and New York City", incredibly apropos.

Kia Thornton is singing "Ain't No Way" by Aretha Franklin. She can sing, it's a yes from me.

New York Day 2
brought to you by the Homedics Shiatsu Massaging Back Cushion

Jenry Bejarano. Wow, he's only 16? He has a very nice voice, great audition. I say yes. Except he spells Henry with a J, and that weirds me out. I'll try to look past it.

Nakia. Paula is so not into her. Oh no. "Dancing in the Streets". I abhor that song. I actually thought she sang it well, which makes me abhor myself. And then they make her sing a second song and ask her to sing with less energy, and she sings "Dreamin'", a much slower song. It's bad, because her voice is exposed, and it's a no from the judges. She can't handle it. She says she can't handle hearing no anymore, and not just with singing. That's very sad. She seems nice, but this is not American Fix All Your Problems. I'm sorry, I'm just pointing out the obvious. You're all thinking it. Except Socialism O'Donnell, who wants the judges to let her through just because she's nice, forget that it's a singing competition, and wants me to pay for everyone else's daycare and health care and boob jobs and tooth laminates. Pardon me for wanting to spend my money on my own life and letting you plan for your own.

Oh, I'm sorry, how did that political semi-rant get in there? My bad. The kids aren't saying that anymore, either. I know. I'm not even saying that anymore.

Sarah Goldberg. She, too, is singing "Dreaming". Joan Collins just asked "Do you really think you can sing?" and she said "No." She's sure she can be the next American Idol because... Oh, I can't even do this. I can't type. I'm laughing too hard. And now I'm just staring. I actually agree with Rosie at this moment. She's clinically insane. She thinks she can be the next American Idol because they can teach her to sing. Her friends laugh at her tonedeafness all the time, and still she came to audition. She's my all-time favorite clinically insane (allegedly, of course) American Idol contestant. EVER! I LOVE HER! I need a catchphrase for her. She kept saying, "That is RUDE!" over and over. I guess that's it. I'll go back and watch her again later, but she was BRILLIANT! Actually, the only thing she needed to complete her outfit was the stick pony. You know, with the stuffed horse head and the stick body? So the catchphrase, which will come from her FOR SURE, will either be, "That is RUDE!" or "Dear Buddha, please bring me a pony and a plastic rocket." (Firefly reference)

Antonio Torres Jr. is 47 and has lost his Ks. He sings about "New Yor New Yor". What a frea.

Jory Steinberg. She's a Canadian living in Santa Monica. Canada + California. That's 2 strikes. :-D She can sing, but I'll hold a grudge to Hollywood. She even sang a song that referenced that weird Canadian letter "Zed". Unless you're Weird Al, that's not ok here in MexAmeriCanada, Sparky. Off with yer head! The judges LOVE her.

Porcelana Patino. She has trained herself 8 hours a day (physically), plus the singing, for an entire year to get ready for her audition. I wasn't blown away by the singing (it was good, just not great to me), but I can hear potential, so I'm fine with her going through, especially hearing the other ehs who have been getting through and knowing how hard she works. She gives Randy, Paula, and Joan/Carole a group hug that Simon wants no part of. Oh, and mind your crack, sweetie.

Girls who wear the ultra-low-rises should really mind the cracks. Aaaaand. LOL. I had no idea Ryan was straight. He's totally checking out the crack while she's hugging her boyfriend! I love the moments that the camera catches when the people are clueless.

Oh, a montage! Apparently Olivia Newton-John is going to guest-judge later this season. She's in the montage.

Christopher Henry. A Simon Cowell lookalike? I would have said Ryan Seacrest. I'm sure Simon would love to hear that. Yes, George Michael too, but I would have said Seacrest. Oh snap. He's singing "Before Your Love". She? He, I think. Ouch, I think my earwax just jumped out of my ear in protest. That was high, out of tune, and offensive. Shame on you. I had to rewind to get his name, and I usually just let it play while I type, but I couldn't bear to do that. I had to fast forward. Oh. Paula just called Simon a sphincter. Except she used that ugly name for it that y'all know I won't type on a blog. :-)

Rachel Zevita, 18, goes to school for opera. If they find out she's there, she's going to get kicked out. Don't worry. No one watches this show. They'll never find out. They make her sing three different songs, and in my opinion, she's outstanding on all three. She does rock, pop, opera, and she's fantastic. I LOVE her. Randy is done after three seconds of the rock song, but Joan saves her. She says, "I like that, I want to hear something different." After the pop song, Simon thinks it's scary, so Randy wants to hear opera, and she kills on that one too. Simon asks who she wants to be. She says, "Every week you guys pick something different. I can sing anything." I believe her. She says she's a singer, a songwriter, a rockstar. I hope so.

Chris Richardson. He said "interpretated". I cannot take him seriously. I don't care how well he sings. He said "interpretated". One too many syllables. Too bad. Such a nice voice. It's a no from me but a yes from the judges. I just know that if he's a big star, he'll act like K-Fed or something. Interpretated by me, he could turn out to be a media nightmare.

Nicholas Pedro bowed out of the competition last year because he couldn't learn "Build Me Up Buttercup" in time for his group song in Hollywood. Not a hard song. He's singing "Fly Me to the Moon", and it's really good (does go offkey once, maybe twice, but just barely), but will he crack up in Hollywood again? Maybe he'll take it seriously this time. We shall see. He gets another shot.

Isadora Furman is a clairvoyant. Please don't be better than Sarah Goldberg, because she just became my all-time favorite and deserves so much more time at the top. She's singing that "Lady Marmalade" song. No really. And dancing around with a tambourine. And a white satin hat. In clogs. It's hideous. And now she just went into another song.

Winner: Sarah Goldberg. I LOVE her. Dear Buddha, Please bring me a pony and a plastic rocket... That's so RUDE!

I don't know which I like better. You decide.

Wandera Hitchye. I thought she was pretty good. Not crazy about the hair or the necklace of scrubbing bubbles, but I liked the raspy gospel voice. Man, I hate it when they go out of the room and just go crazy insane and scream at the camera and start flipping the bird and ripping off clothes. Where did these people learn how to act in public?

BTW, I’m loving all the shots of Simon playing on his Crackberry when contestants come into the room. He must be texting with his hot girlfriend. I luv u, baby. Missin u! xoxox much luv, Sweetums.

Travis McKinney. What in the world world world was that that that?

Danielle McCulloch. I kinda like that top. If it had sleeves I would wear it. It’s kinda Chloe O’Brien on a self-conscious date. The song. She went a little off-key at the end, and she didn’t blow me away… I’m a sucker for the high notes, and I’m not sure she can hit them, but she’s really good in the lower registers. So we’ll see what she can do. I think she’ll be good for a few rounds, but I don’t think she’ll go much farther than Melissa McGhee (who I also liked).

Topher McCain. His wife left him because she (allegedly) didn't like honoring marriage vows. He sang "Footloose". And he got to go on national TV and tell the world that his wife is an adulteress and call her a bi***. Good on 'im. I only get to talk about my ex-husband like that on my blog, so there you go.

Paula is wearing a heart right in front of her collar bone.

Janita Burks. She is talking about dressing sexily but conservatively. She thinks the judges will see her as innocent, sexy, well-put-together, conservative... and she is spilling out everywhere. Not a whole lot of material on the top part of that innocent dress... concoction thingy. And she's singing Disco Inferno, a most innocent song. And then the start of something else.

Sean Michel from Bryant, Arkansas. "We're all kinda poor on the inside." Whatever, shut up. He looks like Castro and is singing "God's Gonna Cut You Down", the Johnny Cash song that is currently on my running playlist on my iPod. Ran to it today, actually. I did not expect that voice to come out of that beard. I love his tone;I say yes. The judges are surprised -- Simon was expecting something about the revolution. Maybe they can get him a stylist when he gets to Hollywood, no? They all say yes, starting with Simon, who raises his eyebrows at himself.

Melinda Doolittle, a professional background singer. Paris Bennett 2.0. She's really good. My only hangup is that she's going to be exactly what we had last year with Paris. Am I alone on this? Anyway, I want to hear more of her in Hollywood and see if I'm wrong. She's not as raspy as Paris, but really trilly like that. I could do with less trills, I guess that's what I'm trying to say.

Robert Lee Holmes. He writes stories, and the current story of his life ends with a period. Good gracious. What is he pointing at? You know, in HD, everything is so much clearer.

The judges are ruthless this season. They just laugh at everyone. And not Simon, it's Paula and Randy. And then Ryan just deadpans everyone and pretends to be their friend.

And that guy just pulled a towel out of his fly.

Philip Stacy. You couldn't have found another audition city? There are 8 or so. You have 9 months' warning. So you left your wife to deliver your baby so you could go audition for American Idol. You left your 9-months-pregnant wife at home. You are a prat. I hope you don't make it through. Too bad, too, because the voice wasn't awful. The beginning was bad, but it got better. No, Paula and Randy are wrong. He starts his songs poorly, and then they get better, just like Simon said. Either way, I don't like him because of the whole ditching his wife to audition thing. Yes, I dislike complete strangers. That's me, SarahK. Nice to meet you.

And I'll say again. I'd prefer to see fewer of the duds and more of the goods.

Tomorrow is New York.

Darwin Misha Reedy. Um... did she forget her bra? Because her boobs are around her ankles, and that does not happen when you wear a bra. Ok, she's from Houston, Texas. And she just won't stop talking. And they've brought in her mother now. And she's singing that "Dontcha" song. And winner. Winner so far. Best of the worst. Oh my. Two peas in a pod wrapped up in a novella.

Thomas Daniels. Two notes in, I know he's going through to Hollywood. He's good. I love his vocal quality.

Melissa Carleen Stavros. She has a dog named Tika. As in Chicken Tikka Masala? Her voice sounded ok at first other than the nervous shaking, but she screwed up the words starting with about word #4, and then it went way downhill. And the outfit. Bad outfit. But her personality wasn't awful like most of these we've been seeing.

Blake Lewis. Seattle's beatboxing champion. Beatboxing was good, voice was very nice. Did too much on the song, I was saying, "Oh, don't go crazy now." And I don't want to sound obnoxious, but I heard hints of Mr. A to Z in there. I liked him. He was good, I'm glad he's through to Hollywood. Oh yeah, but he needs to do something about that porcupine fest he calls hair.

David Mills. No no no.

Shyamali Malakar. She is so beautiful. Beautiful voice, too, and I was mesmerized. Shy at first, and nervous, but I think she'll come out.

Sanjaya Malakar. Actually has better showmanship than his sister, and a little stronger voice. But her voice made me stop and clutch my chest. So he'd better watch out, because when she starts singing louder and stronger, she's going to blow him out of the water.

Both are through to Hollywood, deservedly. On our honeymoon cruise, there were these two little Indian kids singing in the karaoke bar with their parents and grandparents watching. They were so cute, a brother and sister. They were singing "A Whole New World" together. Perfectly, note for note.

I just noticed Paula has cut down on her collagen intake since last season.

Nicholas Zitzmann. How can "Unchained Melody" be anyone's favorite song anymore? It's been so overdone. Plus, Kellie Pickler did it last year, right? That there would put a person off it. Oh, and this is worse than Pickler! I think he should go be a software engineer in the Salt Lake City area. Oh my goodness. I want to bake him a pie. I really am almost crying for him, it's so sad.

I realize, yes, everyone, that I need a new person to hate on this season, but y'all are gonna have to wait until the Hollywood rounds. Until then, I love to hate on Pickler. Plus, she's just so cute.

Rudy Cardenas. Singing Journey to Randy, you'd better know what you're doing. I was pleased, and then Simon stopped it with an "It's a no." Randy and Paula saved him. He was a little cocky, but the voice was good, so I think Simon was just being cranky.

Kenneth Briggs. He immediately talks too much. He's doing "Tearing up My Heart" by 'NSYNC, NO WAY!! And HE'S DOING THE DANCE! Oh no, Simon, that was too far. You don't attack a person's natural physical appearance. Where is your line? Do you have one? "Simon can kiss my ***, because I don't look like a monkey." Quote of the day.

Jonathan Jayne. Kenneth's friend. Oh my goodness, it's like Cartman singing, no lie! "In the ghetto-o-o-o-o-o-o..." He actually hit notes, but the serious Cartman vibrato was a little scary.

Eric Chapman, who thinks he is Taylor Hicks's twin. It's a no.

Ryan says, "I'm average." The first step is admitting it.

Anna Kearns from Wichita Falls. Ok, when asked how tall she is, she says she's 6'7". That's her height with heels. But um, without heels, she's 6'4". So, when someone asks how tall she is, she should say she's 6'4". She's not 6'7". As to the singing, before the judges started, I told Frank, she's loud, but she's really not that good. She's going to Hollywood. Simon is pouting, because Randy and Paula were incredibly rude to them.

Jordin Sparks. Beautiful girl, beautiful voice.

Y'all know I just like to give Seacrest a hard time. I like the guy, he's just fun to give a hard time.

Steven Thoen. Haha, he says he's not a big fan of the show. And he's done "kuh-ro-ky" a few times. Does he think looking like Carrot Top is a big compliment? And he's only seen the show a couple of times. He's very polite to the judges. And I think they would like to be polite back, but he's singing "Bohemian Rhapsody", and yowza. I have to agree, that was about as high on the weirdness scale as it gets.

Next week, it's Memphis.