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Aqua-Adventures Archives

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May 16, 2008
I Think We Can All Agree It's Time for an Aquaman Movie
Posted by Aquaman at 01:04 PM

Everyone wants me.Hello, Aquafans!

Have you seen that Iron Man movie? I don't really get that guy as a superhero. Basically, his suit is the superhero. Anyone could wear it and have his powers. I could wear it and have all of Iron Man's powers plus be able to talk to fish (unless the suit acts like a Faraday cage and messes up my marine telepathy -- which be a hugely idiotic design flaw).

Anyway, it's done a ton of business, and if the world likes a movie about a B-list superhero, think of how much they'll love one about one of the best known superheroes out there: Me, Aquaman!

Really, at this point there is not rational argument a studio can make about not going forward with an Aquaman movie. We just need to plan it to make sure it's a success. First, we need some hot up-and-coming director of independent artsy films to do this as his first big budget studio film. Maybe whoever directed that Juno film everyone seems to like.

Next, we need a script. An awesome script penned by this era's Shakespeare. I know some of you might suggest Frank J. should do it, but I've read some of his stuff and the fact that he's unemployed just means the job market has gotten more rational. I want the best writer out there, which means only one person is fit to pen the script: J.K. Rowlings.

As for casting, you need someone who projects the gravitas of being king of the ocean. I'm thinking Kiefer Sutherland should play me. Also, Shia LaBeouf should be in the movie somewhere as seems to be the custom for blockbusters these days.

Finally, it needs to stay true to the source material. I don't want the executives meddling with it and casting Samuel L. Jackson as me and having him shout, "I'm tired of these bleepity-bloop fish in this bleepity-bloop sea!" because that tests well.

I think the studios should get working on this right away. Isn't it exciting? What do you want to see in an Aquaman movie, Aquafans?

Rating: 3.0/5 (41 votes cast)

Comments (26)
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January 11, 2008
The Mystery Conservative Endorsement of Fred Thompson Is...
Posted by Aquaman at 09:08 AM

I'm a Fredhead!Me, Aquaman!

A lot of people have been asking me to weigh in on the Republican primary despite the fact that I vote in Maine which doesn't exactly have a lot of pull on the decision process. Still, I think the fate of America, the world, and even the seas could rest on the next president of the United States, and I comfortable with that burden on the shoulders of Fred Thompson.

Since I first burst into the scenes in the 1940's by fighting Nazis, people have always said, "That Aquaman is an American we can trust!" So trust me when I say a vote for Fred Thompson is important. I've talked to many a fish, and none of them are enthused by the other candidates. Now, you may, "But fish don't vote." Yes, but... hm... I thought I had a point...

Anyway, the Democrats are sure to either put Hillary or Obama as their candidate, and either one of them would be a disaster. Hillary Clinton scares fish. When she goes near the water, fish flee. And I've always said, "If fish don't trust someone, I don't trust someone." As for Obama, he reminds me of my arch-nemesis Black Manta... and I'm not comparing the two because they're black, but because their both shifty and I'm sure have hidden agendas.

So who on the Republican side can stand against such villainy? Not Rudy Giuliani, who refused me a ticker tape parade when I visited New York City. He didn't even shake my hand. How about McCain? Well, he plans to fill the sea with Mexicans until there are no jobs left for honest octopi. As for Mitt Romney, last time he went swimming in the ocean the product in his hair killed all the sea life within a mile radius. And that rube Mike Huckabee wouldn't know an Iran from an iPod or an inlet from an estuary.

Then there's Ron Paul, but it's hardly worth mentioning that he's under the control of Darkseid.

That only leaves Fred Thompson. He has the experience and the leadership to fight evil and keep terrorists out of the oceans and even lakes. Vote for Fred Thompson, because Aquaman says its cool!

BTW, if you're reading this, Fred Thompson, I know you have contacts in Hollywood, and I have a great idea for an Aquaman movie and who should play me. Please e-mail.

Rating: 2.5/5 (25 votes cast)

Comments (16)
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November 16, 2007
The Greatest Comic Book Event Ever!
Posted by Aquaman at 09:45 AM

You don't mess with Aquaman on his home turf!Prepare yourselves! In January comes the greatest fight ever: Aquaman versus Superman and Batman!

Let the bodies hit the (ocean) floor!
Sure, it's that new Aquaman, because we all know how short that battle would be if it were me and my might versus those posers. Anyway, it's a pretty even match up, so expect a huge underwater battle like you've never seen before! And what will DC comics do when two of their main characters will now be dead?

So who do you think will go down first: Superman or Batman? You'd think the smart thing to do would be to take out Batman first since he's nothing and then go for the heavy hitter, but it would be pretty cool to thrash Superman and then go for Batman while he's making the water around himself warmer.

Maybe after this I can get eightof my own series running concurrently like those two. Really, how many tales about a man dressed up like a Halloween costume and an nigh-invulnerable journalist can you tell? But with all that happens underwater, they'd never run out of stories. It's time for the Aqua-revolution!

Anyway, the battle comes in January. Mark your calendars, fanboys!

Rating: 1.8/5 (23 votes cast)

Comments (18)
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October 12, 2007
The New Captain America
Posted by Aquaman at 12:01 PM

Notice I don't have a very large roster of reoccurring villains; I wonder why that is? (wink) (wink)Hello, Aquafans!

Marvel has released images of the new Captain America. The original, Steve Rogers, was gunned down recently (he probably should have tried using that shield of his to block the bullets; just a suggestion), but apparently some yet to be named person will be taking over and become the new Captain America... and he's packing heat!

The new Captain America has a gun and testicles.
Good, I say. Regular Americans carry guns, so shouldn't Captain America have tons of firearms? Frankly, Captain America not having a gun is like Captain Canada not riding a moose. Also, he used to shoot Nazis back in WWII, so he should be the first one in line to shoot terrorists now? If he were really Captain America, he'd be shooting so many terrorists that everyone else would be yelling, "Hey! Leave some for us to shoot, Cap!" But before his death, Captain America tended to throw his shield like a discus instead of shooting. How gay is that? Is Captain America supposed to represent all of America, or just San Francisco?

Now, I don't usually carry a gun because they're not very effective underwater (see various episodes of Mythbusters), but I do have a concealed carry permit from the state of Florida so I can carry when on dry land where my powers aren't as effective. Batman gives me slack for that, but I don't take lectures from grown men who run around in bat costumes.

I guess the main problem superheroes have with guns is that most superheroes go by a strict no killing rule. Yes, we have to save billions of lives from giant alien menaces, but heaven forbid we kill one of the bad guys in the process. Now, I'm not saying I kill bad guys; I'm just saying that the ocean is big and things happen.

Later, Aquafans!


This is frontpage of FOXNews.com right now. I guess it was either this or Al Gore and his Nobel Douche Prize.

Rating: 2.7/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (16)
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July 16, 2007
Defeating Superman
Posted by Aquaman at 05:03 PM

Superman is a sissy.Well, the execs at DC have pretty much killed Aquaman.

If you've been reading the Aquaman comic (and judging by the sales numbers, you haven't), you'd know my character, Orin, was actually killed off in issue #50 and replaced by some teenage wannabe. Also, the new artists looks like he'd be more at home drawing episodes of the Smurfs (and what's with making Aquafake's eyes all black; is he part gerbil?). Thus, in an act of mercy killing, it looks like issue #57 will be the last of this Aquaman series.

That means it's time to plan a comeback!

Obviously, they need to get rid of the phony new Aquaman and return me to center stage. It's never a big deal to return a comic book character back to life, and I'm sure DC has a drawer full of scenarios to use. Next, we need some big event to make me popular again.

I think I should beat up Superman.

I'm not sure why I would fight Superman -- that's for the writers to figure out -- I just know it would be a great story (also, it worked really well for Batman in The Dark Knight Returns back in the '80s). Now, the challenge is for the beat Superman without kryptonite (any idiot can clunk him over the head with a chunk of green rock; I should be able to beat him with my powers alone).

Here's my plan:

So, Superman has been ordered to bring me down (why, again, is up to the writers to figure out), and, me obviously being too big a threat for the rest of a Justice League, Superman starts to chase me down. Only thing is, even he's not faster than me in the water (at least, he shouldn't be). So I keep swimming away while commanding fish and whales to keep getting in Superman's way. After a long chase, though, he corners me. So there Superman is in all his arrogant glory saying, "Don't make me hurt you, Arthur."

And then I smile. Because now I have him.


I send him flying back with a huge punch. I knock his arrogance right out of him and replace it with fear. Because, all this time he's been chasing me, I've been leading him deeper and deeper and it was getting darker and darker until, from lack of exposure to the yellow sun, his strength starts to wane.

But I'm right in my element.


I beat the crap out of him. And because I'm a nice guy, I bring the unconscious Superman back to the surface with a note pinned to his cape: "Don't EVER come after me in MY ocean!"

...Wait, how am going to write a note underwater? Well, there are a few kinks to work out, but I think it's an awesome plan. Write DC Comics and tell them you want Aquaman -- the real Aquaman -- to fight Superman and that you'll buy ten copies each of it.

Rating: 2.6/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (12)
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June 12, 2007
Overrated Superheroes: Wolverine
Posted by Aquaman at 09:34 AM

I'm also pretty sure Wolverine is gay.One of the biggest problems facing society today is children today is idolizing overrated superheroes. We can't have our next generation aspiring to be like any loser. That's why I'm disheartened to see who are some of the superheroes popular with kids these days. Arguably one of the most overrated superheroes is Wolverine.

Just shoot him in the face from ten yards.
Why the hell is this guy popular? He's a short, hairy, Canadian whose main power is that he has knives on his hands. Yes, knives. Walk to the kitchen, pull a knife out of a drawer, and you're now as powerful as Wolverine. Since he often operates under the superhero code where you can't just kill villains, his powers end up even more useless. And how many situations have ever called for a guy with knives on his hands that couldn't just be solved by carrying a Leatherman?

I guess, if the earth is invaded, the X-Men who can shoot lasers out his eyes, control the weather, and rip things apart with telekinesis will fight the aliens, and Wolverine can carve a turkey for when they get back.

Yeah, I know he also has his "healing factor" allowing him to quickly recover from any wound, but he kinda needs that since, being his only other power is the stupid knives, he's going to get injured a lot. A lot. I mean constantly. He'd be the shortest lived superhero without it. Wolverine gets beat up so much, he wears the bright yellow costume so at least he won't be involved hunting accidents as well.

The guy is a loser. If your kids think he's cool, you should beat them.

Rating: 2.8/5 (54 votes cast)

Comments (43)
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April 30, 2007
Aquaman Reviews Comics
Posted by Aquaman at 01:22 PM

I just want two hands and the squid off my face.Hey, dickweeds. I'm a busy superhero, but I try to take time out of my day to follow what the other superheroes are doing. Thus, I thought I'd give you the benefit of a superhero's opinion on superhero comics.


All-Star Superman #7 - I know a lot of people are raving about this series, but I had trouble following this one. Bizzaros attack from... somewhere... and then Superman saves everybody and puts them on... something. Then Superman goes to the Bizzaro home world and does... something to it. The art could be clearer. Also, how could Superman lose his powers in the end when this series started with him getting supercharged by the sun to point he's dying (like that bastard could ever die)? I really just want more of Superman flying around punching things and shooting things with his eyes, because, really, that's all he's good for. I rate this one a scorpionfish.

By the way, make sure to lobby DC Comics so I get my own All-Star series. They better just make sure they get someone who can write more than one comic a year... unlike Frank Miller (with writing dialog for Batman like "Are you retarded or something?" you can see why it takes him so long).

Detective Comics #831 - Yet another comic of Batman dealing with threats that would only take up one panel in a comic if I were dealing with them. This time he has to deal with two women: One who knows how to do cartwheels (Harley Quinn) and one who has a puppet (the new Ventriloquist). I guess if your main weapon is a boomerang shaped like a bat, you'll stick to enemies who could actually be defeated with said weapon. Really, why is Batman so popular? What problem ever called for a guy in bat suit armed with a boomerang?

Anyway, this comic has "character development" and "emotional content" if for some reason you read comics for that. I rate it a redtail catfish.

Punisher War Journal #6 - Like Batman, the Punisher has no super powers. The difference is that he's smart enough to carry guns. Then again, he hasn't fired one for like three issues. Still, this one could be the setup for an interesting story. Some masked villain is killing people to cause hatred on the American/Mexican border... and I don't think he's Tom Tancredo. So, the Punisher is heading to Mexico to "shoot him in the face." He's also supposed to don a Captain America like costume starting the next issue (he picked up Captain America's mask when Captain America surrendered in the Marvel Civil War), and, frankly, isn't someone with a huge arsenal of firearms a much better representation of America than some guy with an overgrown discus? It's promising, so I rate it an orange roughy.

There was once a comic special in which the Punisher took on everyone in the Marvel universe. I think that would be a great idea with me: Aquaman vs. the DC Universe. Not sure what my motivation would be to kill everyone, but that would be a pretty awesome comic.

Amazing Spider-Man #539 - I'm a bit late on this one, but they're more than a bit late on the follow ups. Anyway, with being hunted by the government and his aunt getting shot, Spider-Man has finally decided to man up and beat the crap out of everyone. Spider-Man always seemed like a little wuss to me, so it's good to see him drop the stupid wisecracks and just start punching people. The return to the black suit is a bit gimmicky, but I liked this comic. I actually starting to believe MJ isn't a beard. I rate it a nurse shark.

Iron Man #16 - Boring. Now that Iron Man is the director of S.H.I.E.L.D., apparently he has a lot of executive duties and not as much time blowing the crap out of stuff. If the main character of the comic has an armored suit that fires lasers, I expect more explosions and less status meetings ("Drafting a mission statement is no problem for the Invincible Iron-Man!"). Maybe the comic will get more interesting with the return of Iron Man's arch-nemesis: The Ten-Ringed Chinaman! I rate this comic a short-finned eel.

Avengers: The Initiative #1 - Neat idea, at least. Now that all people with super powers have to be registered, the American government is putting together a superhero team for each of the fifty states. The new recruits this focuses on don't seem that great so far; one actually has magical gas-riding powers. Also, I'm not sure how long this "The Initiative" Marvel gimmick is going to last. I rate this a California halibut.

Just so you know, if the government ever tried to force me to do anything, the terror I'd unleash on the shores would be unimaginable. All this living underwater has given me a bit of a libertarian streak.

Uncanny X-Men #485 - The current story line is called "The Rise and Fall of the Shi’ar Empire," but a better name would be "A Bunch of Third-Tier X-Men No One Cares About Fighting Villains No One Cares About in Galaxy a Trillion Miles Away from Anything Anyone Cares About (Part 11 of 12)." The only way this series could redeem itself is if everyone dies in the last issue (including the current writer and penciler). I rate this a sea cucumber. (FUN FACT: I don't know if I can command a sea cucumber because I've never been bored enough to try)

Aquaman #50 & #51 - This usually would be the main event, but the comic is still stuck on the "New Aquaman." I'm left as the "Dweller of the Depths" who is a cross between Merlin and Davy Jones from the recent Pirate of the Caribbean movie. Luckily, they had the mercy to kill me off at the end of issue #50. Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, the Green Lantern, and the Flash all came for my underwater funeral at the beginning of #51 (and Superman did wear a rebreather because, as I keep telling you, he cannot breathe underwater). I wouldn't worry too much because I've been around since the forties and you can't kill me off for good. I'm hoping I soon resurrect back in my normal form (including losing that stupid magical water hand for a regular punching hand). If that doesn't happen soon, all the more reason you should all be writing letters to DC Comics for me to get my own All-Star comic.

Anyway, as for the story, there's too much of it. The new writer is some scifi novelist named Tad Williams and he likes to write and write and write. I wish that was the worst of it, but the current artist draws everything in the comic so cartoony you expect Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck to join the adventure. Who makes an evil being that feeds off pain appear cute? Really, they need to bring me back to normal and have this new Aquaman be the new Aqualad (he can't really command sea life yet, but maybe I can teach him). I rate the current comics a goldfish.

That's all for now. You should know that the DC Comics and Marvel Comics big summer events are starting. For DC, it's Amazons Attack, where the Amazons attack America in full force. Really, though, if the combined might of the superhero community and the US military can't take on a bunch of chicks with spears, then America doesn't deserve to exist. For Marvel, they have World War Hulk where Hulk returns to Earth to get vengeance on all the superheroes who did him wrong. Good luck to him.

You can write your opinion on the comics you're reading in the comment section. I'm busy, so I probably won't read any of what you write. Also, I don't like any of you.

Rating: 2.0/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (15)
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March 23, 2007
I Guess I'm the Weakest Superhero Ever
Posted by Aquaman at 10:03 AM

I can hurt you in so many different ways.A blue whale can be nearly one hundred feet in length and weigh over two hundred tons. I mention this because that is what I'm going to have ram you at forty miles per hour if you losers ever venture into MY OCEAN!

And yes, blue whales don't usually swim that fast, BUT THEY DO WHEN I TELL THEM TO!

Really, I'm tired of you nothings trying to talk me down. Yes, on land my ability to communicate with marine life isn't of much use. In such of situation, all I have to rely on is my super strength. So go ahead and make fun of me to my face if you meet me in a bar, because all I can do in response is embed your head into a concrete wall (actually, I can use my ability to telephatically control marine life to put you into a seizure, but the smashing your head into a wall is much more fun and satisfying).

By the way, I just slept with your girlfriend. I wouldn't expect her to find you very interesting anymore.

Since nitwits like "facts" about weaklings like Chuck Norris and Jack Bauer, I thought I'd give you some facts about a real hero:


* Batman keeps a ring of kryptonite in a safe in case Superman goes berserk and Batman needs to take him down. What does Batman keep locked away in case Aquaman goes berserk? A gun to kill himself with.

* High tide -- that's Aquaman taking a leak.

* Why does marine life do as Aquaman commands? Because they all can feel pain and fear it.

* Aquaman doesn't swim. He's actually pulled in a current when the water flees him in fear.

* Pangea split into separate continents when Aquaman swam towards it and yelled, "Hey! You're in my way!"

* Scientist theorize that the motivation for fish to evolve legs was so they could flee Aquaman.

There you go. Make your own and trade him with your friends. Time you guys get behind a real winner instead of the politicians you've been supporting as of late.

One last thing: Aquaman, like all real heroes, supports the troops and their mission. If you want to be like the Arthur Curry, support fighting evil. Last time a terrorist waded into the ocean, I had some crabs grab that piece of @#$% and hold him down while a couple clown fish slowly ate his eyes because I'm a sick bastard when I'm mad.

Rating: 2.5/5 (30 votes cast)

Comments (15)
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March 15, 2007
Time to Clear Up a Few Things
Posted by Aquaman at 08:14 AM

You're gay.Hey, homos; it's Aquaman!

After my last post, I feel the need to clear up a few misconceptions. First off, it's true that I beat up Nazis along side that wuss Captain America. Yes, he's Marvel and I'm DC, but that's just politics involving publication rights. So, not all my adventures get the press they deserve, but that's okay; I'm not same glory-hog like certain men in tights.

Second, some of you seem to feel the need to question my sexuality. That's a little thing called "projection."

If that was too subtle, here it is again: You're the one who's gay.

In fact, this has to be the gayest site around because, judging from the comments, all the readers here are completely flaming.

Thirdly... well, I guess I should say something political...

Oh, I know: Guess who else is gay? Fred Thompson. Of course, he's not as gay as this whole love fest going on here. I guess you guys will eat up any homo-erotic Chuck Norris facts ripoff.

Hey... that gives me an idea to build up popularity for a comeback...

Anyway, one final thing: Just because you're in the ocean doesn't mean you can pee anywhere you feel like it.

Rating: 2.0/5 (26 votes cast)

Comments (11)
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March 08, 2007
Captain America Is Dead!
Posted by Aquaman at 07:02 AM

Bulletproof.But I'm still here, so who cares?

We both arrived on the scene in 1941, and everyone already knew then he would eventually be gunned down like a dog while I would go on to rule the oceans (they cover two thirds of the earth). Wasn't he the dumbest superhero ever? What did he have? Shield powers? You can't talk to fish with a shiny metal shield.

"Watch out, villains! I'm going to duck behind my shield!" Well, judging by his death, I guess that strategy didn't work very well.

The comics only showed the times he successfully punched a Nazi; most of the time he was getting beat up by them and calling me for help. And I'd go help the wuss... even though he was usually nowhere near water and I'd have to take a bus to get there. Then he'd take all the credit!

Yeah, the Aquaman/Captain America crossovers never got published either. But, really, if you had me in a comic with him, who would even notice Captain A-Hole?

So good riddance to bad rubbish. All he did was get in the way when villainy needed to be dealt with. Plus, he was a traitor to his name. While he shied away from the principles of WWII generation in order to spout left-wing talking points, I've remained just like all those who reached adulthood in the 40's: Suspicious of anything new or interesting.

So, rot in hell you left-wing, pinko f[Rest of post removed by IMAO censors.]

Rating: 2.2/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (13)
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December 24, 2006
IMAO Podcast Christmas Story
Posted by Laurence Simon at 06:17 PM

Remember last year when we didn't have anything prepared for Christmas, so it was left up to the Token Jew to slap something together for the Christmas Special?

Ha ha ha ha... it kinda happened again.

This time around, I hoodwinked the group into putting together a 100 word story for my Weekly Challenge.

Harvey is the narrator.
Frank and Sarah play the part of the Loving Couple.
Right Wing Duck is their adorable child.
Spacemonkey is Santa.
(And Laurence Simon was the thud.)

This crowning achievement is the result.

Merry Christmas to everyone.

Rating: 2.4/5 (25 votes cast)

Comments (1)
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April 03, 2006
Underwater Missiles!
Posted by Aquaman at 09:55 AM

Not sure how to stop a missile!Hello, Aquafans!

I heard about Iran testing new missiles, and my initial reaction was, "Ha! Foolish land-dwelling humans; you sow your own doom."

But then some of my fish friends came up to me and said, "Hey! We saw the missile and it was traveling through the water!"

"Then isn't that a torpedo?" I asked.

"No, it's still like a missile."

"You're just tuna! What the hell do you know other than how to make a good sandwich when mixed with mayo and chopped celery?"

After the tuna were done pummeling me, I indeed confirmed that Iran is working on an underwater missile. So, now everybody is probably expecting me to stop them (you know Superman won't do it since his suit is dry-clean only). Well, I'll try my best, but, if a few missiles get past me, just remember that the ocean is big and I'm only one man in an orange shirt.

This is Aquaman, signing off.

Rating: 2.0/5 (23 votes cast)

Comments (11)
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October 20, 2005
Aquaman on the Small Screen
Posted by Aquaman at 08:34 AM

Hello, Aquafans.

Sorry I haven't been keeping you up with the latest Aqua-Adventures in the comics, but lots of things and stuff have been happening underwater. Still, I have good news for you. Tonight on WB (the greatest of all the networks) I will be appearing in Smallville (well, an actor playing me will be in it). So, make sure to watch it to make it the highest rated episode of any TV show ever to show your support of me, Aquaman.

I don't like what Aint It Cool News is calling me. Bunch of hacks.

Rating: 2.1/5 (21 votes cast)

Comments (5)
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September 26, 2005
Some Unusual Blegging
Posted by Aquaman at 03:23 PM

Bringing you the news!Hello, Aquafans!

I need some help, and this one is a little unusual.

You see, I was just swimming around, seeing if anything in the ocean was threatening the world. I then ran into some dolphins and said, "Ahoy, my aquatic mammal friends!"

The dolphins then proceeded to shoot me with toxic darts.

Next thing I knew, I'm here in this hospital in Jamaica (lucky they have internet). Apparently, Hurricane Katrina released some U.S. military trained dolphin super-weapons!

So, my question is, does anyone know where I should start filling the legal papers for this lawsuit?

Rating: 2.3/5 (28 votes cast)

Comments (12)
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September 09, 2005
Wasn't That a Job For Aquaman?
Posted by Aquaman at 12:36 PM

Bringing you the news!Hello, Aquafans!

Some have been asking where have I been during the whole New Orleans crisis. With all the water and flooding, people seem to think that it just might have been a job for Aquaman.

Couple things here. First off, when the problem first hit, it was a hurricane. That involves not just water but also lots of wind, and I'm Aquaman - not Wind-and-Water Man. Hurricanes just aren't my thing.

Second, I like swimming in water, so preventing flooding isn't exactly to my interest. I'm not some construction expert; I can reinforce a levee.

Thirdly, the water in New Orleans got quite dirty, and it would just not be sanitary for me to swim in it.

Finally, as you may have noticed from my Aryan good looks, I, like the Bush administration, don't particularly care for black people. In fact, my arch-nemesis is Black Manta. You see, I fight black people; I don't save them.

Anyway, wasn't this more of an ecological disaster? Maybe people should have called on Green Lantern.

Ha! I made a funny! I have to go tell my fish friends that one...

Rating: 2.1/5 (20 votes cast)

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July 21, 2005
The SCOTUS Scuffle
Posted by Aquaman at 10:09 AM

Hello, Aquafans.

You've heard all the pundits blather on about the new Supreme Court nominee, but now here is the information you've all been waiting for... what Aquaman thinks!

Frankly, there just isn't enough information out there to make a decision on him - especially no information on his opinion about the Constitutionality of the sea! Someone needed to get more information about his cases.

This sounds like a job for...


Rating: 2.1/5 (24 votes cast)

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July 15, 2005
Issue 27 - Time to Prove Who the Real Aquaman Is
Posted by Aquaman at 10:16 AM

I'm the real Aquaman!.Hello, Aquafans!

It's your favorite superhero once again. I had submitted a piece for the last podcast about which fish are the best conversationalists. I guess the e-mail got lost on the way to Scott, though, because it wasn't in there.

Who cares, though? Blogging is much cooler, isn't it? Here I can share my political opinions instantly.

Know who I think should be the next Supreme Court Justice? An octopus. It has eight arms with suction cups. I wouldn't want a squid as judge, though, because it...

Actually, never mind. Last time I went on about a squid, I got accused of being a racist. I was just stating the facts, though.

Anyway, on to Aquaman Vol. 4, Issue# 27 (the April '05 issue).

It's the second part to the story about how the underwater world of Sub Diego has been turned topsy-turvy. Ends up my evil sorcerer brother The Ocean Master has cast a huge spell making people thing he's Aquaman and that I'm The Ocean Master. But what artifact allowed him to make so huge a spell? You'll be super surprised when you find out!

Let's look at a sample of the issue:


Rating: 2.1/5 (28 votes cast)

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July 01, 2005
Issue 26 - That's Not Aquaman!
Posted by Aquaman at 08:28 AM

The world has gone mad!.Hello, Aquafans!

Am I the only one who's tired of hearing about the podcast? It's like all the other IMAO bloggers talk about, but some of just don't care, okay?

And I'm not just saying that because they've rejected all the bits I've sent them so far.

Anyway, I know most of you are thinking we should shut up about the podcast and get back to the true business of IMAO - HAWKING MY COMIC BOOK!

Today I'm going to talk about issue number 26 (the March '05 issue) in the current series. In it, strange things are happening in Sub Diego, and only that idiot Geist seems to notice. The most obvious is the man claiming to be Aquaman lacks my Aryan blond hair. Plus, if I told you the oppression this imposter used to keep control and didn't say that it was from a comic describing Sub Diego, you would most certainly believe this must have been done by Nazis, Soviets in their gulags or some mad regime - Pol Pot or others - that had no concern for human beings... though everything being underwater and the giant crustaceans might have tipped you off otherwise.

On the good new, Aquagirl (Lorena), though now evil, has a cool new costume!

Bad news, I'm not like in this issue at all... but just wait for the second part of this two-parter!

Let's check out a page from this exciting episode:


Rating: 2.1/5 (27 votes cast)

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June 10, 2005
Issue 25 - This Is Your Ocean on Drugs
Posted by Aquaman at 11:36 AM

I rule Sub Diego!.Hello, Aquafans!

It's your favorite man - AQUAMAN!!!

It's time to tell you all about my great adventures in DC Comics. I assume most of you are reading them, not being able to get enough Aquaman, but, in case some are so fool as to miss out on the tales of the world's greatest superhero, I'll brief you on some here.

I'll start with issue number 25 in the current series (the February '05 issue). Part of San Diego has fallen underwater and become Sub Diego. Thanks to my idiot friend Geist, many citizens are now gill-breathers. You'd think I'd be upset that there are now tons of people who can breathe underwater like me, but none of them can return to the surface. Ha!

Plus, they can't talk to fish.

Anyway, as the citizens now under my protection get used to their thrilling new way of life (there is nothing more thrilling than the sea), someone tries to upset things my introducing drugs to my ocean!


Here's the cover marking the beginning of a new series of adventures for me, Aquaman:

Here are some pages from this epic story:


Rating: 2.3/5 (27 votes cast)

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May 31, 2005
Return of the Aquaman
Posted by Aquaman at 06:54 PM

My adventures are numerous.Hello, Aquafans!

Been a long time no... sea. Ha ha!

Seriously, though, I've been reworking exactly what my role is here at IMAO. Frank J. was trying to convince me to be their foreign correspondent, but, for someone who is constantly being bathed, it’s hard for me to stand the smells of Europeans and such.
So, I've gone back to my roots: fighting villainy... villainy of the sea!

And now I do what all self-respecting superheroes do...


Rating: 2.6/5 (36 votes cast)

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April 22, 2005
No Time to DeLay
Posted by Aquaman at 02:04 PM

The evil of Representative Tom DeLay had been reaching my ears through my fish friends (I can talk to fish). Apparently he's been involved in perhaps more than the regular amount of malfeasance you'd expect from a politician. But who could stop him?

This sounds like a job for...


Rating: 2.7/5 (31 votes cast)

Comments (8)
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April 15, 2005
The Bolton of Terror
Posted by Aquaman at 10:03 AM

The U.N. likes me.Hello, Aquafans!

Guess who called upon me for my help?

That's right, Kofi Anan, the whatchamacallit of the U.N. and man of unimpeachable integrity. Apparently the Bush regime, under the tutelage of the fiend Karl Rove, wants to place the dangerous, psychotic John Bolton in the U.N. to destroy it from the inside. Any superhero is familiar with that man who has terrorized countless cities. What Kofi knew, though, is that I had taken him down before.

What he didn't know is that I had significant help from Batman and Superman, but I think I learned enough to face The Bolton myself. After being questioned by the Senate, The Bolton had gone into hiding - most likely to plot more evil. Only I could find him!

So I jumped in the ocean (always seems a good way to start) and talked to a marlin (I can talk to fish) that thought he had seen some Republicanism happening somewhere in the Atlantic. I followed him only to find a SECRET UNDERWATER BASE!!!

Yes! Finally! Why can't more villains have secret underwater bases?

So, I snuck up to the bases and found an entrance for submarines. Once inside, I saw none other than...


Rating: 2.7/5 (23 votes cast)

Comments (11)
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April 06, 2005
You've Found Your New Pope
Posted by Aquaman at 01:47 PM

I, like many superheroes, am quite saddened by the passing of Pope John Paul II (Nightcrawler is taking it especially hard). Still we must look to the future. A new pope must be selected. Someone just. Someone pious. Someone who can be a spiritual leader for the world.

This sounds like a job for...


Rating: 1.8/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (24)
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March 31, 2005
Swarming Sharks!
Posted by Aquaman at 03:07 PM

Hello, Aquafans.

I was all down after those Congressional hearings about drug use by superheroes, when I heard about swarms of sharks closing beaches in Florida.

Am I wrong, but doesn't this sound a lot like a job for...


Rating: 2.2/5 (35 votes cast)

Comments (12)
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March 25, 2005
Super Substance Abuse
Posted by Aquaman at 01:24 PM

My only addiction is to swimming.Hello, Aquafans.

You've probably been wondering where I've been. As I mentioned before, I've been subpoenaed to testify before Congress about steroid use among superheroes. Well, it ends up it's more sweeping than that. They're looking into all the addictions of our protectors of justice.

I'm still torn on how much to say. There certainly are some eccentricities to many superheroes that may actually borderline substance abuse.


Rating: 2.5/5 (27 votes cast)

Comments (11)
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March 16, 2005
Superhero Scandal!
Posted by Aquaman at 09:43 AM

My physique is all natural.Hello, Aquafans.

I have a bit of a problem and could use your advice. You see, I've been subpoenaed by Congress to testify about steroid abuse by superheroes. Now, no one suspects me, of course, but they correctly figured I have knowledge on who is using.

It's not like this is a surprise. Did any of you really think the Hulk looks like that naturally? Too many superheroes are just fixated on strength, but steroids don't give you the important things for hero work: character and the ability to breathe underwater and talk to fish.

Still, I don't want to turn on other superheroes - even if they are misguided freaks. Then again, they're doing a lot of damage to themselves. Batman of course uses all the time to make up for the fact he doesn't have any powers at all, and he just keeps getting grumpier and meaner – at least to me. And, while Wolverine can regenerate any wound, he can't seem to regenerate his shrunken genitalia.

And don't even get me started on how @#$%-up Superman is.

So, what do you think I should do? Supposedly, if I don't testify, I could be held in contempt of Congress, but I can't imagine them actually prosecuting me, Aquaman. Imagine the media firestorm over that one. If I'm in prison, who will protect the seas?

Oh yeah; probably the Coast Guard.

Anyway, I would love your opinions, Aquafans. Please put them in the comments, and I'll tell you what I decide later.

Rating: 2.2/5 (23 votes cast)

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March 14, 2005
Italian Attack in Iraq
Posted by Aquaman at 03:39 PM

Hello, Aquafans.

Giuliana Sgrena, Commie Italian reporter, was fired on by Marines on March 4th. She says she was targeted, and we know the Marines and their penchant for targeting journalists. Still, nothing has been concluded in this case and no evil-doers have been brought to justice.

So, are Marines really targeting law-abiding Commie journalists?

This sounds like a job for...


Rating: 2.2/5 (22 votes cast)

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March 11, 2005
The Real Fire Rages Inside
Posted by Aquaman at 01:24 PM

Despite my name, I don't actually have water powers.Hello, Aquafans.

Today, a citizen ran up to me yelling, "Aquaman! We need your help!"

"I'm on my way!" I answered as I jogged to the scene.

An apartment building was ablaze. "So, did you call the fire department?"

"We thought maybe you could do something," the panicked citizens answered.

"Well, though I am named Aquaman, I don't actually have water powers," I explained.

"What can you do?"


Rating: 2.2/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (16)
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March 08, 2005
An Important Message from Aquaman
Posted by Aquaman at 03:39 PM

There is nothing more fun than safety!Hello, Aquafans.

Today I want to talk about an important, pressing issue that affects many of us in our daily lives. While I'm often fighting threats to the entire world (if they originate in the sea), this is a threat to your own personal world.

What I'm talking about, of course, is horseplay around the pool.

Nearly 80 million Americans get unintentionally wet each year as a result of horseplay in and around the pool. All of this is avoidable, though, if we simply treat swimming with the proper, somber attitude.

So please limit your horseplay to playgrounds, malls, oil refineries, and other places safely away from water. Remember, kids, you can't breathe underwater like your hero, Aquaman.

This is Aquaman, signing off.

Rating: 2.3/5 (23 votes cast)

Comments (18)
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March 02, 2005
Terrible Teen Terror
Posted by Aquaman at 02:17 PM

Hello, Aquafans.

The Supreme Court ruled that those under eighteen can't be executed, and, as expected, teenagers are running amok everywhere with the knowledge they are safe from the ultimate penalty.

Can anyone stop them? This sounds like a job for...


Rating: 2.4/5 (20 votes cast)

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February 28, 2005
The Grand Canadian Adventure
Posted by Aquaman at 01:19 PM

Hello, Aquafans!

Ever vigilant, I peruse the news sites for peril that can only be handled by the man in orange. Today I found that Democrats are suggesting that the ban on buying medicines from Canada be lifted. Democratic Montana Governor Brian Schweitzer thinks it "makes no sense" that the United States can import "cattle, hogs and logs" from Canada -- but not cheaper prescription drugs. And I agree. Underwater there is no difference between hogs and prescription drugs.

Both are wet.

It seems, though, that the insidious pharmaceutical companies and their evil cronies the Republicans don't want Americans having cheaper drugs from Canada.

Well, this seems like a job for...


Rating: 2.5/5 (29 votes cast)

Comments (15)
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February 25, 2005
Is Howard Dean a True Progressive?
Posted by Aquaman at 12:43 PM

Hello, Aquafans.

I've spent more time reading these things you call "blogs." One of the more popular ones is something called "Little Green Footballs" written by the so-called "Charles Johnson." All he seems to do is excerpt other written pieces and maybe put a few things in bold. Any fool could do that! Look:

Animal rights activists are disgusted by a new candy from Kraft Foods Inc. (KFT) that's shaped like critters run over by cars — complete with tire treads.

The fruity-flavored Trolli Road Kill Gummi Candy — in shapes of partly flattened snakes, chickens and squirrels — fosters cruelty toward animals, according to the New Jersey Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals.

"It sends the wrong message to children, that it's OK to harm animals. And that's the wrong message, especially from a so-called wholesome corporation like Kraft," said society spokesman Matthew Stanton.

The society is considering petition drives, boycotts and letter-writing campaigns to get the candy pulled from the market, Stanton said.

After receiving a complaint from the NJSPCA Wednesday, Kraft officials pulled an animated advertisement from Trolli's Web site that featured car headlights and animals. No other decisions on changes have been made, said Kraft spokesman Larry Baumann.

Child's play! If the master of the seas is to blog, his goals should be loftier.

Then I saw this story on the CNN news site. Many progressives are hopeful that Howard Dean will stay true to liberal causes and not be drawn in by the dark, welcoming caress of centrism.

But how do we know what Dean really feels when the cameras aren't on him? What is his true agenda? Some would say we just can't ever know for sure, but I say that this looks like a job for...


Rating: 2.5/5 (20 votes cast)

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February 23, 2005
Who the Hell Do I Think I Am - Aquaman
Posted by Aquaman at 04:22 PM

Some mighty questions have been posed to bloggers such as I, but I fear no challenge!

1. Who the hell do you think you are?

I am none other than...


Rating: 2.4/5 (23 votes cast)

Comments (18)
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February 22, 2005
The Case of the Rathergate Frame-Up
Posted by Aquaman at 01:41 PM

Hello, Aquafans.

Now that I'm a blogger, it seems it's time for me to dabble in the insidious world of politics. A good place to start appeared to be with the story of Congressman Maurice Hinchey. He is sure that the dastardly Karl Rove planted the fake memos with CBS News to create a distraction and ruin the career of the revered Dan Rather. But, even Hinchey admits he has no proof.

Needs proof, eh? This sounds like a job for...


Rating: 2.4/5 (21 votes cast)

Comments (17)
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February 21, 2005
Don't Tap on the Glass
Posted by Aquaman at 08:57 AM

All hail the King of Atlantis!Hello, kids. It's your favorite superhero and new IMAO blogger, Aquaman!

As you all know, I have the greatest superpower of all: the ability to talk to fish. Fish have a great many things to say, especially your household goldfish. Goldfish love to swim around their bowls all day. They love it more than anything else. Would they have the ability, they would murder you and everyone you care about to keep swimming in circles forever. It's funny, I've talked to many different goldfish, but pretty much all phrase their love of swimming in circles in terms of who they'd murder to keep up their lifestyle.

But the purpose of this post isn't to make you scared of your goldfish; I just said all that so you can empathize with how much joy they have in swimming in circles. You know what crushes that joy, though? When someone taps on the glass.

Now, you may not even hear the sound the tapping makes, but, to them, it's like a drum is being constantly pounded right in their skulls. They tell me over and over that they just wish they could use their fins to operate a gun and blow their brains out rather than deal with the tapping.

Goldfish are very morbid when not swimming in circles.

So, kids, respect your goldfish and don't tap on the glass. Also, remember to always wear a helmet when riding a bike. If you fall off your bike without a helmet, even I can't save you (unless you fall into water... and that one is still iffy).

This is Aquaman, signing off.

Rating: 2.2/5 (25 votes cast)

Comments (22)
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