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Barackalypse Now Archives

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August 29, 2008
What's Wrong With This Picture?
Posted by Harvey at 12:00 PM

Answer: Nothing, if it stands for Unqualified Stuttering Marxist Celebutard.

Seriously, though, the only people who should wear this shirt are Marines and people who admire them. It is NOT for use as some hoops-chump's sweat-rag.

[Hat tip: Mike the Marine]

Rating: 2.8/5 (28 votes cast)

Comments (19)
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August 27, 2008
Maybe Biden Will Plagiarize This and Claim It Means "Democrat Party, Obama, Success"
Posted by Harvey at 05:59 AM

[Hat tip: Corsair, from the comments on this post]

By the way, Alice pointed out to me that you can leave a welcome note for Biden at the Obama site.

Rating: 2.7/5 (30 votes cast)

Comments (6)
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August 21, 2008
Let's Make Space Greener
Posted by Harvey at 11:40 AM

He's not flip-flopping, pivoting, or pirouetting - Barack Obama is now EVOLVING on the issue of giving NASA an additional $2 billion in funding.

I guess he's trying to make that leap between Adorable Rodent and Marauding Marsupial.

Anyway, I'm surprised it took Obama this long to get on board with the Shuttle program, since it only burns liquid hydrogen & liquid oxygen - ZERO carbon footprint! So I suspect that he'll make sure the $2B is spent making NASA even greener in the future. I prognosticate thusly:

"Reduce, Reuse, Re-entry"

* Spacesuits will be hand-woven by indigenous peoples from sustainably grown organic hemp fibers.

* Space helmets made from 100% post-consumer recycled paper.

* Psychotic stalker astronaut chicks will be required to complete their cross-country treks wearing cloth diapers.

* Shuttle will be painted black so as not to reflect sunlight and increase global warming.

* In flight movie: An Inconvenient Truth

* Shuttle's spent solid rocket booster tanks to be recovered by sailboats. Yay! Wind power!

* Tang to be replaced with more earth-friendly soy-based Sang.

* After washing spacesuits, hang them off the shuttle's mechanical arm to dry.

* Old satellites should be recycled instead of being left as space trash. Start with weather satellites that aren't showing increasing global temperatures.

* Astronaut training centrifuge to be powered by gerbils on meth.

* Instead of adjusting shuttle orbit with wasteful rockets, just have everyone get out and push.

* Replace moon with giant compact fluorescent light.

How else can NASA help save our precious planet?

Rating: 2.3/5 (27 votes cast)

Comments (17)
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August 18, 2008
Be Careful What You Wish For
Posted by Harvey at 10:12 PM

Rating: 2.6/5 (28 votes cast)

Comments (16)
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August 10, 2008
Passing Mention
Posted by Harvey at 07:19 AM

Mention in Passing

The new Obama hand sign [via MarcoMancuso]:

If this were me personal blog, I'd photoshop a hand on either side of that, but since this site is technically PG-13, I'll just say "Goatse.cx", and link the Wikipedia article with the written description.

The actual picture is only for consenting adults who love each other very much, are in a committed relationship, and have strong stomachs. You can Google it yourself, although be aware that it will leave scars.

Meanwhile, There's a PG-15 bitch-slap in the extended entry...


Rating: 2.4/5 (28 votes cast)

Comments (19)
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August 09, 2008
This Surplus Should Drive Down the Price of Irony
Posted by Harvey at 12:11 PM

On Obama's Fight the Smears site, they complain about a currently-circulating e-mail on Obama's tax policy, and they quote FactCheck.org as follows:

"This widely distributed message is so full of misinformation that we find it impossible to believe that it is the result of simple ignorance or carelessness on the part of the writer. Almost nothing it says about Obama's tax proposals is true. We conclude that this deception is deliberate."

Coincidentally, I have EXACTLY the same reaction whenever Obama speaks.

Rating: 2.5/5 (27 votes cast)

Comments (14)
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August 06, 2008
The Difference Is, When Conservatives are Insulted, We Embrace It and Play It For Laughs
Posted by Harvey at 11:40 AM

ignorant pride.jpg

[reference link]

Rating: 2.7/5 (31 votes cast)

Comments (23)
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August 04, 2008
This Catchphrase Just Keeps Lookin' Handier All the Time
Posted by Harvey at 12:00 PM

Tell me if this crosses the line.

Based on McCain's statement that he's glad the US exported $158 million worth of cigarettes to Iran because it kills Iranians, I suggested he adopt the catchphrase:

Have another cigarette, raghead.

It occurred to me today:

He could use it on Obama, too.

Rating: 2.1/5 (25 votes cast)

Comments (9)
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August 01, 2008
Obama's Looking at the Wrong Currency
Posted by Harvey at 10:43 AM

So Barack is claiming that McCain's ad comparing him to two white girls is racist, to wit:

"What they're saying is 'Well, we know we're not very good but you can't risk electing Obama. You know, he's new, he doesn't look like the other presidents on the currency, he's a got a funny name.'"

Where to start...

Well, I guarantee you these currency guys, although not all Presidents, got beat up and had their lunch money stolen on a regular basis for having funny names.

Ulysses Grant ($50)
Grover Cleveland ($1000)
Salmon Chase ($10,000)
Woodrow Wilson ($100,000)

And - let's be honest - can ANYONE say "Sacagawea" ($1 coin) without giggling?

As for looks, though, he's absolutely right.

Obama's got no powdered wig, no beard, no moustache, his hair is skull-tight, and don't even get me started on those freakish Alfred E. Neumans popping out the side of his head.

On the other hand, there IS a vague resemblance to that one guy on the back of the $2 bill:

So maybe he's a little more currency-qualified than he thinks.

Rating: 2.1/5 (27 votes cast)

Comments (17)
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July 16, 2008
A Little Help for the Late Night Writers
Posted by Harvey at 11:00 AM

The New York Times has a piece that feebly examines why late night talk shows are avoiding skewering Obama in their monologues. Here are some of their excuses:

"The thing is, he's not buffoonish in any way,[...] He's not a comical figure"

"A lot of people are excited about his candidacy [...] It's almost like: 'Hey, don't go after this guy. He's a fresh face; cut him some slack.'"

"We're not trying to lay off the new guy"

"I think some of us were maybe too quick to caricature Al Gore and John Kerry and there's maybe some reluctance to do the same thing to him"

"Anything that has even a whiff of being racist, no one is going to laugh [...] The audience is not going to allow anyone to do that."

"I think white audiences get a little self-conscious if race comes up"

"I think it's more a problem because he's so polished, he doesn't seem to have any flaws."

"We can't manufacture a perception. If the perception isn't true, no one will laugh at it."

I can't believe these limp-wristed auto-fellators call themselves comedians. If you can't make a joke about something, it's not because the subject is unmockable, it's because you aren't trying hard enough. Hell, I made 30 jokes about Nebraska, and that's universally regarded as the boringest state in the world.


Still, Jimmy Kimmel suggests there might be ONE possible approach for these slack-mastering layabouts:

"His ears should be the focus of the jokes."

Fine, let's run with that. Here's a double handful of punchlines to the setup, "Obama's ears are SO big..."

"Yeah, I could stick my whole fist in there if I wanted to."

* ... Alfred E. Neuman took one look at them and said "if mine were that big, then I *would* worry".

* ... he can't go to the zoo without getting hit on by lady elephants. Or the boys, when he's in Frisco.

* ... Michelle nearly refused to marry him after she found out that it's NOT true what they say about the size of a man's ears.

* ... he doesn't have to attend church to listen to Rev. Wright's sermons.

* ... the thought of trying to squeeze through a revolving door makes him break out in a cold sweat.

* ... moderators at presidential candidate debates will never know he's cheating. Seriously, who's got 6 hours to inspect those things for a smuggled wireless earpiece?

* ... Curious George sued him for copyright infringement.

* ... teenagers frequently mistake them for a totally rad skate park.

* ... mobile news crews use them to get a satellite uplink.

* ... they have their own zip codes

* ... and time zones.

Personally, I recommend the Late Night Lame & Lazies either get their noses back on the grindstone or just come right out and admit that the REAL reason Obama gets a pass is that they're a bunch of humor-impaired socialist wanna-be's who wouldn't know a good joke if it jumped up and bit them on the Liberal Arts degree.

Rating: 2.2/5 (24 votes cast)

Comments (30)
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July 14, 2008
I'll Believe America is a Racist Nation...
Posted by Harvey at 08:19 PM

... when a prominent media personality refers to Obama's daughters as "Sambos".

Until then, I consider all charges of "racism" to be just so much effete political posturing.

Also, for the record, Obama isn't an "Oreo", he's a "watermelon".

Rating: 2.6/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (16)
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Barack Obama: Embarrassment on Parade
Posted by Harvey at 12:05 PM

Recently Barack Obama said that American kids should learn a foreign language, and - typical liberal hypocrite that he is - followed up by saying that he's "embarrassed" that he doesn't know one himself.

Ain't that just like a Democrat, insisting that the "little people" live up to expectations that don't apply to them?

Which makes me wonder what else Mr. O is embarrassed about. I speculate thusly:

Sometimes at night, he dreams of tapping that booty, and wakes up with sticky sheets.

* Although pro-choice, he chose not to abort his daughters.

* His Secret Service cadre carries guns, but not strictly for hunting.

* Had he starred in Blazing Saddles, Madeleine Kahn's line would've been "Oh... it's NOT twue."

* Grateful for the work of Civil Rights pioneers, but has never ridden on any bus, front or back.

* Knows what arugula is.

* Still harbors doubts that Neo is actually "The One".

* Black, yeah, but sadly, no slave blood.

* Never managed to stay awake through an entire Reverend Wright sermon. That guy is pure pulpit Sominex!

* Wants to pull out of Iraq, but can't pull out of a parking lot without taking someone's bumper with him.

* Once failed to stop a thief who later killed his Uncle Ben.

* Despite his penchant for wearing black, has never once shot a man in Reno just to watch him die.

So what do YOU know about Obama's darkest secrets?

Wait... was that racist?

Rating: 2.3/5 (25 votes cast)

Comments (16)
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July 13, 2008
If Obama Had A NASCAR
Posted by Harvey at 11:29 AM

As the Puppy Blender would say, "Heh."

Rating: 2.5/5 (24 votes cast)

Comments (7)
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July 03, 2008
Lost Their Freakin' Minds, They Did
Posted by Harvey at 11:00 AM

Well, the Lefties must be snorting big fat lines of pure, crystal, uncut stupid these days, because the dang fools are off their rickety little rockers.

They're attacking McCain's military service record, on the theory that this will somehow make their never-been-anything-but-a-civilian (and not a very good one, at that) candidate Barack Obama more electable.




... on the issue of prior military service...

I guess we know who's gonna get a chair smashed over his head in THAT cage match.

Seriously, this is just INSANE. It's like Shaq getting challenged by Tom Cruise to some one-on-one hoops.

It's like... it's like...

Tastes like FAIL

* Michaelangelo vs. Ted Rall

* Kirsten Dunst vs. Nancy Pelosi

* Godzilla vs. Bambi

* Pistol vs. scimitar

* iPod vs. Victrola

* Nukes vs. Japs

* Gravity vs. supermodel

* The previous example vs. tact

* Corvette vs. Yugo

* Bugs vs. Elmer

* Fred Thompson vs.... well, anybody.

* Moby vs. Ahab

* Kirk vs. Picard (you KNOW it's true)

* Internet porn vs. everything else you CLAIM to be using the internet for.

Anyone else got a comparison?

Rating: 3.0/5 (28 votes cast)

Comments (61)
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July 02, 2008
Barack Obama - SuperPatriot
Posted by Harvey at 11:00 AM

Barack Obama is going on the offensive against a scurrilous whisper-campaign engineered by the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy and their willing accomplices in the Murdoch/Limbaugh-controlled Conservative Media. There's no need to question Obama's patriotism. Proof of his devotion to America lies below:

Obama didn't put his hand over his heart because this flag wasn't big enough to symbolize HIS patriotism

* Pinned a flag lapel pin to his grandmother and the Rev. Wright before throwing them under the bus.

* Anything that big-knockered chicks make videos about is patriotic by definition.

* Recites the Pledge of Allegiance when joining his former domestic terrorist friends at flag-burnings.

* Doesn't make unpatriotic hissing noises when talking through his dentures like McCain does.

* Trying to give America the same health care system as England & Canada is like super-triple-international patriotism!

* Will make English the official language of all unconditional negotiations with terrorists.

* Open-minded and tolerant of all belief systems, even those that don't recognize all 57 states.

* He believes, like most patriotic Americans, that Hillary Clinton eats babies and craps pure evil.

* "Hussein" might not sound patriotic, but at least it lacks the 'don't ask, don't tell' flavor of "Sidney".

* He doesn't flip-flop on issues, he does the "Patriot Pirouette".

* Questioning his patriotism makes you a racist, so knock it off, racist!

And how do YOU know that Obama is a SuperPatriot?

Rating: 2.5/5 (27 votes cast)

Comments (14)
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