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Best of IMAO 2002 Archives

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December 06, 2002
It Was a Hard Day of Work and I'm Tired of Hearing About the 9th Circuit
Posted by Frank J. at 09:30 PM

We're a nation with a modicum of self-respect, so why do we let the 9th Circuit exist? All they do is make idiotic decisions to piss off decent Americans even though another court always overturns it. So why should we pay for them or even have to hear about them? Now they've come out and said the 2nd Amendment, which states the right to bear arms, doesn't state a right to bear arms. That's a head scratcher. Now, I'm assuming these judges have some special judegey education that led to their judgery, so how come they seem to fail at first-grade level reading and comprehension? I don't know what it is with people who don't think the 2nd Amendment doesn't guarantee a right to bear arms; do they have a special copy of the Bill of Rights with a note before that amendment saying, "We're going to take a break from this listing of individual rights to blather on about militias and guns. Please ignore."? Anyway, I think that, since they are federal judges, Bush should send out federal troops to drag them out in the street and shoot them. That will teach them not to waste our time and tax money anymore. If federal troops are too busy, a militia could do it, thus demonstrating their necessity to the security of a free state. Once the 9th Circuit is gone, the news will be much less irksome... well, that is until Bill Clinton says something. Oh yeah, federal troops again.

Rating: 2.4/5 (31 votes cast)

Comments (10)
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December 05, 2002
Frank Advice on Inspections
Posted by Frank J. at 01:52 PM

I've been making fun of Hans Blix and his inspection, but that's not very constructive of me. I've decided to be a nice guy and offer some helpful advice to Blix on how to make those inspections more effective.

*Change your name. It's hard to get respect if your name makes it sound like you're a cartoon space monkey. It would be much better if you had some scary sounding German name.

*Anytime you meet a new Iraqi, offer to shake hands. Then as he reaches out, quickly inject him with sodium pentothal. That will get the truth out.

*Carry around a rubber hose. If you think someone is hiding something, take him into the back room and beat him with the hose. That will also get the truth out… or any particular truth you want.

*Remember to inspect all those bushy Iraqi mustaches. Those soup strainers are probably crawling with traces of chemical and biological weapons.

*Carry a dime bag of anthrax on you. Then, when you pat down someone who says he doesn't have any WMD's, you can make it look like you pulled that out of his pocket. He'll probably think it was his and he had just forgotten about it. Then he might break down and confess to everything.

*If, as you are about to open a door, strippers suddenly appear out of nowhere or you're attacked by ninjas or someone yells, "Hey! Look at me! I'm juggling!" that probably means you're near the WMD's and the Iraqis are trying to stall you while they get rid of them. Don't fall for it.

*Since we're going to go to war with Iraq no matter what, just say you found WMD's to make things easier for us. We'll appreciate it. Hell, if you come out and say, "Iraq is full of weapons of mass destruction! Kill them! Kill them now!" we'll all love you and chant in the streets, "Blix! Blix! Blix!" or, if you took my earlier advice, "von Kökeritz! von Kökeritz! von Kökeritz!"

I'm here to help.

Rating: 2.3/5 (40 votes cast)

Comments (14)
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December 03, 2002
If They're Not Evil, Then Why Are They Foreign?
Posted by Frank J. at 08:28 AM

Attorneys for Guantanamo Bay detainees are arguing to a federal appeals court that foreigners captured in the war on terrorism have rights. That's crazy. I don't know what people are worried about, anyway. They say that, without a trial, how can you be sure they're terrorists? That may be true, but no one is disputing the fact that they are foreigners. As we all know, foreigners are stupid and often evil; that's why God put them in other countries than America. While it may be true that sometimes by accident good people end up being born in other countries - especially if God was drinking the night before (it's you atheists that drive Him to drink) - any decent person would then come to America the first chance they have. But where did these alleged not-terrorists go (foreigners are guilty until proven innocent)? They went to Afghanistan. That's crazy. I think that proves beyond any reasonable doubt that these people are the bad kind of foreigners and thus should be locked away in Cuba where they can only harm Communists. That makes God happy... when He's sober.

NOTE: All countries with IMAO readers are excluded from those that are stupid and evil.

Rating: 2.4/5 (30 votes cast)

Comments (13)
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December 02, 2002
You've Heard My Opinion, I've Heard Your Opinion; Now Let's Hear What Ruger Has to Say
Posted by Frank J. at 01:14 PM

The Cato Institute is taking Washington D.C.'s handgun ban to court. There are people who actually argue that allowing law abiding citizens to have handguns in D.C. would cause more deaths, but I don't believe that is actually possible since, if the murder rate were any higher, then the murderers would be killing each other causing violent crime to level off. While I think challenging the law in court is a good idea, I propose an even more dynamic idea to fight for gun rights. What the NRA should adopt is a policy of shooting people who disagree with them. It's a much simpler solution than trying to force logic on to people who are apparently morally opposed to it.

"If we limit gun purchases to one a month, that will stop murders."

"Convoluted statistics show you're more likely to shoot yourself than blah blah blah."

"If we make a gun free school zone, that will stop people from shooting children."
STAB! BANG! (that gun had a bayonet)

I don't care how idiotic an argument or how much statistics someone can produce, it won't stop a bullet. The only rebuttal to a gun is another gun, but if gun control nuts starting using guns, they lose their argument. So, shooting people who are for gun control both defeats them physically and philosophically. See, isn't this a brilliant, win-win idea? I don't know why someone hasn't used it yet. Well, I guess some people would say it's not right to shoot people, but they wouldn't say that if I had a gun pointed at them. Makes you think, doesn't it?

Rating: 2.3/5 (33 votes cast)

Comments (13)
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November 26, 2002
Let's Just Say I've Had Better Sodas
Posted by Frank J. at 08:09 AM

While the Vanilla Coke made sense to me, I couldn't really see the point of combining berry flavors and Pepsi as they supposedly did for Pepsi Blue. Still, I consumed (most of) a 20 oz. bottle and was thus inspired to try out my marketing skills by coming up with some slogans for it:

"Disgusting... with a refreshing kick!"

"It's like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is vomiting."

"Ever wonder why no one made a blue soda before? Now you know."

"Not to be taken internally."

"Four out of five people chose it over Windex in a blind taste test."

"The taste that will make you envy the dead."

"Might as well drink it all since disposal down the drain violates EPA regulations."

"We don't know how this got through marketing either."

"Diet version is not available due to classification as a chemical weapon."

"One sip and you'll know there is no God."

Rating: 2.4/5 (29 votes cast)

Comments (44)
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November 25, 2002
War! Huh! What Are We Waiting For? Absolutely Nothing! (say it again)
Posted by Frank J. at 09:03 AM

I just went through the "It's a Small World" ride at Disney World this morning, and there was still a part with little Iraqi kids singing along. What gives? I thought we would have annihilated that country by now. Ends up that we're waiting on an inspection team to find a "material breach" before we can give the g'damn Iraqis an extended weapons demo. Yes, our hopes of war rest on someone named Blix. Iraq keeps saying that this whole inspection thing is just a pretext to attack them, and I'm like, "Finally; someone is talking some sense." So do the Iraqis then know when we give up with the pretext and finally attack them, because I would really appreciate it if they told me. And they should make sure the rascally Blix knows it's all a pretext, too, because I'm not sure if he got that memo. He may actually be waiting to try and find some WMD's which the Iraqis have had plenty of time to hide. Well, just in case we can't find anything substantial, I've come up with a list of excuses for war with Iraq we can tell the U.N.

Top Ten Excuses for War with Iraq

10. They say that war is good for the economy, and the Iraqi economy could really use some improvement.

9. Though we didn't find any actual evidence of biological weapons, it sure does smell funny there.

8. Not having a 'u' follow Iraq's 'q' is a violation of international spelling laws.

7. If our Marines don't get to kill people soon, they're going to suffer bouts of depression.

6. We want to steal their oil and keep it for ourselves, and there's not a goddamn thing any of EUnuchs can do about it. Muh-ha ha ha ha!

5. Iraq's army has more bushy mustaches than is allowed by the Geneva Convention.

4. Though we can't prove they have any ties to terrorism, we have direct evidence of them funding the "Anna Nicole Smith Show."

3. They're mean.

2. We have never heard that Edwin Starr song and are thus unaware of the futility of war.

And the number one excuse for going to war with Iraq...

We're America; we don't need excuses.

Rating: 1.9/5 (43 votes cast)

Comments (9)
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November 24, 2002
If They Really Want to Help Stop Terrorism, Why Won't They Let Us Kill Them?
Posted by Frank J. at 07:17 PM

You've probably heard about how Princess Haifa al-Faisal may have helped finance the Sept. 11th terrorists. While most seem to believe she didn't do it knowingly, Suadi Arabia has not been known to be forthcoming about their monetary support of terrorists. This is why I suggest we finally change our "Don't Kill Saudis" policy to a "Kill Lot's of Saudis" policy. Now, I'm not talking about having a war with Saudi Arabia, of course, but I am suggesting that maybe we should send out an "investagatory" barrage of cruise missiles at them. Perhaps that will turn up some new information, but we can also try an "inquisitive" seizure of their oil fields and have a series of "fact-finding" assassination of Saudi princes. The Saudis say they are eager to help with our fight against terrorism, so I'm sure they'll die quickly without much fuss.

Rating: 1.8/5 (28 votes cast)

Comments (8)
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November 21, 2002
Just When You Thought the Donks Couldn't Get Any Whinier...
Posted by Frank J. at 08:07 AM

Serial whiny bitch Daschle says he's been getting threats because people are saying mean things about him. Rush Limbaugh and others in talk radio have been pointing out what a slimy weasel Daschle is, and he claims this lead to threats against him and his family - though he wouldn't elaborate. So let’s never criticize Daschle about his politics again, because he may get scared and cry, okay? Seriously, my guess is that it's from other Democrats upset about the losses, but what would a threat from a Democrat sound like? "Resign now or I'll slap you silly!" Then again, which of you aren’t thinking of punching Daschle right now? Be honest. That’s right; after hearing him whine like this, about everyone wants to smack him. It’s just a natural, human response.

The Democrats are such a bunch of peacenik complainers that I don't know how any man could ever admit to being one. Actually, the way things are going, I bet by the end of this decade it will be more insulting to one's manhood to imply they’re a Democrat than to imply they're gay. At school, one kid will call another kid a "Kennedy voter" and a fight will break out. People will say in hushed whispers, "I think Steve may be... uh... how do I put this... 'friends with the donkeys'... not that there's anything wrong with that!"

Democrats just better not start asking for special rights.

Rating: 2.4/5 (28 votes cast)

Comments (9)
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November 20, 2002
The Homeland Will Be Secure When Our Enemies Are All Dead
Posted by Frank J. at 09:14 AM

Despite Democrat's utter contempt for the safety of the American people, the Homeland Security Bill has been passed. I'm too lazy to read anything about it and thus develop an opinion on it, but here are some provisions I hope are in it:

*Makes it clear that the Muslim tradition of murdering infidels is no longer a protected form of religious expression.

*Since many terrorists get in through Canada, all of Canada will be mined. As an extra precaution, anyone ending a sentence in "eh?" will be immediately shot.

*Panama will be nuked to create a larger gap between peaceful North America and the dangerous South America.

*Home ownership of firearms will be encouraged by a declaration that anyone who doesn't own a gun is a "pussy."

*Anyone excited about Gore running for the presidency will be placed on a watch list. Gore himself will be placed in a solitary confinement in a sound proof room composed entirely of plastic just in case he has powers like Magneto or plans on speaking again.

*Since vast national forests are a good place for terrorists to hide, they will be infested with ninjas.

*All liberal universities will be bombed. The six remaining universities will be watched carefully.

*It is now illegal to be French.

*Ann Arbor, Michigan will be placed on the list of terrorist nations. U.S. will enforce a regime change if they don't tell us where they're hiding their WMD's.

*Voting for a Democrat is now considered an attack against the nation's security and is classified as an act of treason.

As always, if you have any more suggestions to help national security, put them in the comments section.

Rating: 2.9/5 (25 votes cast)

Comments (17)
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November 19, 2002
No One Should Live Long Enough to "Frequently" Shoot at Us
Posted by Frank J. at 08:21 AM

I just had a revelation. From this article, I read the paragraph:

The inspectors arrived in the Iraqi capital as allied warplanes bombed Iraqi air defense systems in the northern no-fly zone after the U.S. military said the jets were fired on during routine patrols. Iraq considers such patrols a violation of its sovereignty and frequently shoots at them.

If Iraq frequently shoots at us, why the @#%& do we need any other reason to bomb the crap out of them?! We're the good guys - we're the people who help others around the world - and thus attacking us is proof one is insanely evil and must be destroyed. What we really should have done was obliterate Iraq the second a single radar locked on one of our planes. Otherwise, we give countries the impression they can attack us and only get a lot of people killed instead of everyone killed. Next time we get fired upon, let's not respond immediately and blow up the installations with anti-radar missiles. Instead, let's send some special ops people to follow the soldiers responsible to their homes. After we find out where they live, we destroy those entire cities. That'll learn people that Americans are the good guys, and, that if you cross us, we'll kill you and everyone you care about.

Rating: 2.2/5 (26 votes cast)

Comments (5)
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November 17, 2002
Gore-Bot Goes on Rampage
Posted by Frank J. at 06:17 PM

Gore has been steaming about the election for so long that his circuits have now completely blown, and, like any good robot, he has reverted to his default programming of "kill all humans." In a new article from Time, Gore says that Bush's economic agenda is "catastrophic," his foreign policy "horrible," his environmental stance "immoral." "Destroy! Destroy!" Gore added, flaying his arms wildly.

"Our country is headed for very deep trouble," Gore told Time. "I wish it were not so, but I believe that with all my heart." Gore's heart, BTW, is composed of titanium with rubber tubing. In actuality (that's a pompous way of saying "Actually"; you like it?), Gore's heart contains no logic functions or memory banks, and thus this statement is further evidence of faulty programming.

"I think that our economic plan has zero chance of working. I think that it is wrong at its core," Gore continued, his eyes starting to glow red. "I think that our foreign policy, based on an openly proclaimed intention to dominate the world, is a recipe for getting our country in some of the worst trouble it's ever been in." He then explained how only Gore-bot can dominate the world, and that all who oppose him will be destroyed.

Gore, the Giant Ogre-like Robotic Entity, also said that Bush has compiled the worst economic record since Herbert Hoover. This is interesting, because it was Hoover who commissioned the creations of the Gore-bot. After being rebuffed by the American people, Hoover became obsessed with the world's destruction and thus created the Gore-bot to that end. Most people don't know of Hoover's secret supervillian alter-ego having mistakenly though his secret was that he dressed in woman's clothing when they confused him with J. Edgar Hoover.

Despite the smoke visibly emanating from Gore's ears, 61% of Democrats said they would like to see Gore run for President in 2004. What the article doesn't mention is that 82% of Republicans would also like to see Gore run for president again in 2004, with 10% thinking that would be too cruel to Gore and the remaining 8% fearing he may go on a bloody rampage when he loses again. This is a legitimate fear, as the Gore-bot is bulletproof and could probably only be brought down by some sort of military EMP weapon. This is quite different from most other Democrats who wish to run for president, as they can usually be subdued by a simple bitch-slapping.

Personally, I would not write off the threat of Gore running for president in 2004. I hear that Tipper, his wife/head engineer, is planning to outfit him with rocket launchers and a rail gun. To be on the safe side, Bush should create some sort of cybernetic, exo-skeleton by 2004, and they should speed up converting Cheney into a cyborg. He will be only half-human, but that still infinitely more human than Gore.

Rating: 2.2/5 (28 votes cast)

Comments (16)
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November 13, 2002
You Say You Want an Execution
Posted by Frank J. at 09:00 AM

Hmm, everything is reminding me of Beatles songs now. Anyway, a new tape is evidence that Osama bin Laden is alive and kicking. Hooray! This means we still have an opportunity to capture and execute him in a fitting manner. Here are some of my humble suggestions:

Skeet Shooting: Launch Osama into the air with a catapult. Then shoot him with a patriot missile.

This Execution Sponsored by the NRA: Get massive firing squad. Try to set record for most bullets fired into a single human. First only use sharpshooters to try to set the record for most bullets shot into a person without killing him.

The Sampler: All traditional execution rolled into one. Hung by his neck by a wire that's electrocuting him while a guillotine slices him causing him to fall into a vat of boiling oil. Can also first improperly administer lethal injection (no alcohol swab for him).

Two for One Special: Tie Osama to a cluster bomb. Try and drop it in Iraq such that it kills Saddam. If we can trick Arafat into visiting Saddam before the strike, we can make it a hat trick.

Not by the Hairs of My Chiny Chin Chin: Hang him by his beard over a cage filled with mutant killer pigs. Eventually his whiskers will give and then he'll be ripped apart and eaten by the swine. If I know the religion of Islam (and I don't), his god will then send him to pig hell where pigs run an authoritarian government. Osama will then be forced to work in their underground slop mines for all eternity.

Death by Appeal: America only threatens to execute him. Europeans will then prattle on and on about how horrible and barbaric America. Tie Osama up and force him to listen to everything they say until the brain's defense mechanism kicks in causing it to consume itself.

If anyone has any other ideas, put them in the comments section or e-mail them to your congressperson.

Rating: 2.2/5 (34 votes cast)

Comments (37)
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November 09, 2002
New Agenda
Posted by Frank J. at 10:52 AM

So, now that Republicans rule the land like Saudi princes, what should be on their agenda? Here are my suggestions:

*New Tax Cuts: I want more money. Cut my taxes!

*Hippie Punching Act: Make beating up hippies a protected form of speech.

*Environmentalists "Piss Off" Act: Make if official government policy, that, whenever environmentalists complain about something, we tell them to piss off.

*Guns! Guns! Guns! Act: Guns everywhere! No limitations on carry. Only nuclear weapons will be defined as "assault weapons." To help the poor, food stamps can now be exchanged for ammo.

*More Tax Cuts: Good try, but you didn't cut taxes enough the first time. Please try again.

*We Hate the French Resolution: Just as English is the language of America though not officially stated as such, hating the French is the stance of the American people though it is not officially written anywhere. Let's make it official.

*Hollywood Promise Keeping Act: All people who said they would leave America if Bush were elected will now be deported.

*Let's Bomb Everyone Act: Every week, new country gets bombed. That will keep them on their toes.

*Reestablish The Committee on Un-American Activities: There are still Commies out there who are not dead. That is wrong.

*Invade San Francisco: We need to invade and recapture San Francisco, changing the regime to one more friendly to America. Must be careful of collateral damage because some good bloggers live there.

*Still More Tax Cuts: Is there anyway I could pay no taxes?

If you have any other ideas, put them in the comments. If they are really good, they will be... uh... read.

Rating: 2.4/5 (31 votes cast)

Comments (27)
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November 08, 2002
I Don't Want to be a Broken Record, But...
Posted by Frank J. at 08:32 AM

I just listened to the Animaniacs' "Countries of the World" song, and Iraq was still in the lyrics. What gives? Shouldn't it have been destroyed by now? Apparently, the U.S. is still waiting on the U.N. who is just getting to voting on a resolution today. In the resolution, there will first be inspections and then the U.S. will wait for the U.N. to say whether Iraq is a bad boy before we can bomb them back to the stoneage and have Fred Flinstone, loyal American and fervent anti-communist, finish them off. At this rate, Saddam is going to die of old age before we get a chance to kill him, and, in the mean time, he's going to be working on his weapons of mass destruction such as nuclear weapons, biological weapons, and cybernetic ninja monkeys. We have to get to work killing Saddam right now! He's got tons of imposter Saddams we have to kill to make sure we got the real one, so there is no time to waste waiting for France to give the a-okay. Plus, we have other countries to kick the crap out of once we finish Iraq such as North Korea, Iran, Saudia Arabia, and probably some African countries I've never heard of. Let's send in our special forces to wipe out the Iraqis and blow up their buildings and then just call it inspections. Maybe, after wiping out all the people in an area, instead of shouting, "This room is clear," they could say, "This room is inspected." And, if they shoot someone and he doesn't die, they can say, "The Iraqis are not complying with inspections." That should be enough to fool the U.N. people; those guys are pretty dumb, and, as I always suspected, a bit scared of us anyway, so they won't protest.

Rating: 2.4/5 (29 votes cast)

Comments (7)
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November 01, 2002
Quiet, Arafat is Giving Us Advice
Posted by Frank J. at 06:39 PM

Arafat warned the U.S. that the attack on Iraq could lead to a catastrophe in the Middle East. I think the proper response to that should be to empty a semi-automatic handgun into his chest and sneer, "Thanks for the opinion."

Why is that man still alive?

Hell, why are lots of Palestinians still alive? The U.S. should finally stick up for Israel and allow them to go door-to-door killing all the Palestinians that they think give off a “terrorist vibe.” Some may say that's genocide, to which the U.S. would respond, "No it isn't, because we told Israel they have to leave some alive."

Okay, I admit it. I'm not blood-hungry. I don't want to murder all the Palestinians; maybe just 80%... 85% tops. I hope you all will still respect me as a blogger.

Rating: 1.9/5 (29 votes cast)

Comments (10)
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October 31, 2002
This Better Be My Last Post About the Existence of Iraq
Posted by Frank J. at 07:06 PM

I've been really busy as of late (actually, there is a ton of other stuff I should be doing right now rather than blogging) and thus I haven't been able to follow the news as closely. I stopped by the CIA World Fact Book today, though, and, listed right there between Iran and Ireland, was Iraq.

It's still there? What gives?

Bush got his approval for war, so why haven’t we marched in there and annihilated all the bastards? I don't get it. It's not because of all these distractions like North Korea having nukes, is it? There will be plenty of time left to raze them after we've had our way with Iraq.

Oh, wait, we're not actually waiting on the U.N., are we? If we are, I remember reading this Tom Clancy novel where some guys held the U.N. hostage; why don't we do that. Their building is right here in New York, so it's not like we have to go anywhere to do it. What we do is have our special forces storm the building and hold everyone in there at gunpoint. You just know those weenies will be falling over each other to be the first to cave into our demands. First, we’ll have them approve our war with Iraq. Then, we'll make them sign a declaration that Gerhard Schroeder is a little girl. Finally, we make them give us a "blank check" war approval, approving war for a country to be filled in later.

Then again, holding them hostage at gunpoint could be taken as meaning their opinion matters, thus giving them the attention they crave. Damn, diplomacy is hard.

Rating: 1.9/5 (27 votes cast)

Comments (2)
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October 28, 2002
Islam Means "Throw Rocks"
Posted by Frank J. at 08:35 AM

Hundreds of Muslim thugs clashed with police who were taking Muslim cleric Abu Bakar Ba'asyir for questioning. What's it with Islam and mindless violence? I still haven't sat down and read the Koran (didn't he fight Godzilla?), so I don't know if purposeless violence is prescribed by it, but it seems that many Muslims love to engage in actions that do nothing else than enforce the image that they are stupid and violent. Like rock throwing; you're not going to topple governments or defeat soldiers by throwing rocks, but you will let them know that your mental processes are comparable to a monkey.

They took Ba'asyir from a hospital; it seems like every Muslim cleric who supports violence is either blind or ailing. Maybe it's supposed to be a sign from God, and they just don't get it:

"Allah wishes us to kill all the infidels, my Muslim brothers and sisters. If I do not truly speak in His name, may He strike me down as I stand... Ahh! I'm suddenly blind... for unrelated reasons."

Then I read this (the link to the story no longer seems to work, so I'm linking to its mention in Instapundit; he could use the traffic) about how Jemaah Islamiyah has plans to create an Islamic superstate including Indonesia, Australia, and parts of Asia. These guys are just completely cuckoo for cocoa puffs. We could maybe be threatened by them if they had some sense of reality, but, instead, they are completely, entirely, tinfoil hat wearing, The Nation subscribing, consuming entire cans of Crisco, Guardian editorial writer, burning monkeys at the stake for being heretics, Democratic Underground nuts. I love it how they’re just taking Ba'asyir in for questioning and you have some guy with a "We are not terrorists" sign next to people chanting "We are ready to die." Well, guess what, we are ready to kill you, so I think we can work out a deal here.

Rating: 1.8/5 (25 votes cast)

Comments (35)
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October 25, 2002
It's Takes a Commie to Catch a Commie?
Posted by Frank J. at 06:28 PM

Bush is looking for Jiang Zemin's help in disarming North Korea. I dunno if that's a good idea, since they're both Commies and thus both want what's worse for the world. Yes, North Korea is crazier and their dictator is much more funny looking, but you never trust a Red. Maybe this is just Bush's plan to get both Jiang Zemin and Kim Jong II in the same room as part of negotiations. When he has them both alone, he'll whip out two .45's, yell, "You can continue your negotiations in Commie hell!" and then empty the two guns into the surprised dictators. He'll then drop the guns, and calmly walk out of the room remarking, "I was tough, but fair." It will make a great anecdote for his autobiography.

Rating: 1.5/5 (22 votes cast)

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Usually It's the One with the Gun Who Gets to Ask the Questions
Posted by Frank J. at 12:35 PM

You know who is the best public? The American public, that's who. According to this poll, most know that more gun control isn't a solution to stopping a sniper. Also, despite the media's constant attempt to make the NRA look worse than the nazis, the NRA still has a higher approval than disapproval rating. I doubt any other country is as pro-gun as America, and I bet they'd get vastly different polling results.

American Polltaker: I wish to ask you some questions about guns.

Frenchman: Ahh! Guns! Do not hurt me, American! Paris is yours!

American: No, I just wanted you to answer a poll about guns.

Frenchman: Well, I hate guns, you stupid American. I'm not some thuggish cowboy wanting to shoot at everything. We French are much more sophisticated. For instance... Ahh! An insect! Save me, American!

American: It's just a butterfly.

Frenchman: Quick, kill it with your gun! It is your duty, American!

American: It flew off.

Frenchman: Once again my non-violent diplomacy triumphs!

Rating: 2.8/5 (29 votes cast)

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First the North Koreans, Now Al Gore
Posted by Frank J. at 08:18 AM

Gore says we should have a stronger defense against bioterrorism, but you should hear the way he said it.

"I was a bit bitter when you denied me the presidency which is rightfully mine, but I won't hold it against you, the American people. Oh, and by the way, you might want to strengthen your defense against bioterrorism... though it will be too late! Muh ha ha ha!"

I'm starting to believe that Al Gore is actually the supervillian Tree-Man that the police have been warning about. He looks like a man, but he has the powers and personality of a tree. Police caution that he is an extreme psychopath and should not be voted for under any circumstances.

Okay, I didn't read the above article, but it was about Al Gore. What are the chances there would have been any important information in it?

Rating: 2.3/5 (30 votes cast)

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October 24, 2002
Time to Get Tough on Those Who Support Terrorism
Posted by Frank J. at 09:47 AM

What's up with Russia holding up the Iraq resolution? They say they don't like the part about the use of force that the U.S. put in there. Why do formerly evil countries like Russia and Germany act all peacenik now? Because they're still evil, that's why. They're busy selling weapons to terrorist nations, and they don't want to offend their customers by helping America attack Iraq. I'm starting to realize that, if we're really serious about ending terrorism, we're going to have to take out most of the world's government, not just those in the Middle East. If we don't start regime-changing Europe first, they're just going to coddle even more countries into becoming terrorists. "But who are we going to replace their governments with," you ask, "since most of the people in Europe are whiny?" Yes, most are whiny, but I believe there are two or three people in each European country who share American values (maybe four people in some of the larger countries). We will make them kings in exchange for their allegiance. If there isn’t anyone in those countries that we like, we'll just put some Texan in charge. "But don't the Europeans have modern militaries that will make it hard for us to just quickly overthrow them?" you also ask. That's just silly. Why would they have militaries? They never want to use force no matter how right the cause. I'm sure all the European countries defunded their militaries years ago in order to pay for sub-par universal health care and crap like that. Taking over countries in Europe could probably be done with one harshly worded phone call. Additional cost saving could be made by making it a collect call. "Should we call them using 1-800-CALL-ATT?" you inquire. No, that could save them money, and we need to take a harsh stand with them. Also, I don't want to encourage Carrot-top. "So when do we get back to taking on the countries in the Middle East? I really don't like those countries." Soon, after we finish rearranging Europe more to our liking. First, we'll blow up the Eiffel Tower. "Why blow up the Eiffel Tower?" Because it's French. Stop asking so many questions.

Rating: 1.8/5 (24 votes cast)

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Extremely Useful Idiots
Posted by Frank J. at 07:59 AM

Jeb Bush has had ads attacking McBride for all his new spending plans for Florida and saying he'll have to raise taxes for them (perhaps adding the dreaded income tax which Florida thankfully lacks). McBride responded by saying his tax will only be a 50 cent increase on packs of cigarettes. This is a neat new concept: take a group you don't like and make them pay for everything. I say, though, instead of smokers, we should make liberals pay for everything. Have an extra tax on books by Michael Moore and a subscription to The Nation. The great thing is that they shouldn't complain since they are supposed to like taxes. We should also force them to clean roads and fill potholes, and, if they complain, that makes them hypocrites since they are supposed to enjoy community service. We should also have liberals pull us around the streets in rickshaws for free. They shouldn’t complain because they should think it's great people are using pollution free transportation. We should also make them mow our lawns. They can't complain because... uh... we'll then lash them with a whip if they do; I want free lawn service and I don't like liberals.

I used to think we should chase all liberals out of the country; don't I feel stupid now.

Rating: 2.2/5 (29 votes cast)

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October 22, 2002
What We Need is a Schizophrenic Foreign Policy
Posted by Frank J. at 08:31 AM

Bush has decided to give diplomacy another try with dealing with Iraq. I guess he was intimidated by Iraq receiving 100% of the vote from a 100% turnout. To me, I would think that means we would have to kill all the Iraqis, because they are all now complicit.

I believe diplomacy means they will take another shot at killing Saddam in his sleep and making it look like a heart attack. Or maybe they'll make his mustache fall off in public so that he must commit honorable suicide as is the custom in whatever region Iraq is in. I'm just afraid that, by going back to diplomacy, we'll make Saddam think we're not serious. The best solution would then be to invade France thus giving us two votes on the U.N. Security Council as I’m sure is dictated by the U.N. charter which I have never read nor heard reference to. Here's the catch: we'll use France's vote to vote against the use of force! At the same time, we’ll cruise missile a random palace in Iraq. This we'll show Saddam that we're so serious about using force in Iraq that we'll defy the U.N. even when that means defying ourselves. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Saddam!

Rating: 2.5/5 (26 votes cast)

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Common Sense Gun Laws
Posted by Frank J. at 08:09 AM

No more worries of pretend crime in Mexico; they've banned toy guns. When kids play cops and robbers now, you can be certain those robbers will be unarmed, as extending one's index finger and saying, "Bang!" now holds the punishment of death by piñata beating. Eventually Mexicans plan on addressing the issue of actual crime, but so far the easiest solution seems to be to escape to America.

A thirteen your old boy in Florida shot and killed his teacher, so of course they are prosecuting the gun. It has yet to express any remorse for how it both killed a man and got a poor youth a murder conviction, and thus I hope they throw the book at it. When guns learn that we will get tough with them too, maybe they'll think twice about firing a bullet just because someone pulled their trigger.

Rating: 2.0/5 (22 votes cast)

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October 21, 2002
Also, The Hobbits Are Huge Isolationists
Posted by Frank J. at 08:17 AM

I saw an interesting article in The Guardian this morning. Simon Tisdall says that Tony Blair's support for Bush's war plans are hurting people's opinion of him. Which people, you ask? The "...76% of Americans who did not vote for George Bush and oppose his Iraq war plans..." Of course, this begs the question: did Tisdall arrive at that number by including just humans in his count or also elves, leprechauns, and the notoriously liberal unicorns, as it is quite obvious that he, like many of those who oppose America and only want "dialogue and diplomacy" with terrorists, are living in a fantasy world. At least this guy put that statement in his opening paragraph so you knew right away to dismiss him as a nut. Just in case Tisdall hadn't driven home the point that he's a raving idiot, he later says "And then there is North Korea, which has suddenly, rather conveniently, confessed to WMD offences." Yeah, you got us, Tisdall, North Korea is in on the plot to invade Iraq. They're not even really Communist; they just pretend that to help us with our war mongering.

Are there enough mental health care facilities to handle all the anti-Americans, or is that a burgeoning crisis?

Rating: 2.4/5 (31 votes cast)

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October 18, 2002
Oh, And We Can Play "Ride of the Valkyries" as We Do It
Posted by Frank J. at 02:07 PM

So what so we do about North Korea? First we find out they've been working on a nuclear weapons program, and now we find out that China, Russia, and Pakistan helped them. Goddamn Commies, former Commies, and... uh... non-Commies. Don't worry, though, 'ole Frank has a plan.

We completely ignore this.

That's right. We just brush it off. Have Bush say it's not a big deal and we're focused on Iraq. Then we continue getting our forces built up near Iraq, preparing each day to storm into Baghdad, until finally... POW! We hit North Korea like starving dogs at a pot roast, bombing everything we see. Buildings, bridges, trees, mountains, sheep... anything at random. By lunchtime we should have that government overthrown, and then Bush can come out with a statement, "This is what we do to other countries when they even say 'nuclear.’ And we don't care it you say it NU-CLEE-AR or NU-CU-LAR; we're going to mess you up so good and you'll wish your country was never founded!" That'll scare the hell out of the evil people out there. We still have the big Commie, China, left, but don't worry; I'm working on a plan for that too.

Rating: 2.2/5 (25 votes cast)

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October 16, 2002
I Guess We'll Have to Invite the Terrorists Indoors for an Afternoon Tea
Posted by Frank J. at 06:13 PM

Governor Parris Glendening has banned outdoor shooting in four counties to help stop false sniper alarms. I know it's a cliché, but, if we can't fire our guns, then the terrorists really will have already won. I mean, how in the world are we supposed to fight terrorists if we can't fire our guns outdoors?

Rating: 2.1/5 (29 votes cast)

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Next They May Find a Way to Turn Gun-Rights Against Us
Posted by Frank J. at 08:14 AM

I read this article on the Democrats' views about the economy, and this one quote stuck out.

"The last thing you do when you're going into a recession is raise taxes," Gebhardt said at a briefing sponsored by the Economic Policy Institute, a Washington think tank. "You cut taxes."

I re-read that a couple times. Was Gebhardt saying tax cuts are good? Maybe it's sarcastic and it just didn't translate when put to text, but further quotes seem to back up the notion that Gebhardt is for cutting taxes. This points to only one logical conclusion:

Democrats have found a way to use tax cuts to murder us in our sleep!

I don't know the details yet, but you can be certain that after they get their tax cuts they'll soon be coming for us to slit our throats during our slumber. This is probably the Democrats' most diabolical plan yet. Be afraid, be very afraid.

Rating: 2.3/5 (25 votes cast)

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October 15, 2002
Kick Ass New World
Posted by Frank J. at 07:28 PM

Another successful test of missile defense. Won't it be so cool when we finally perfect that and can hit any nuclear missile out of the sky? As long as we keep it to ourselves, there goes mutually assured destruction. We can nuke anyone we want and no one can stop us. We won't even have to use any stupid diplomacy. Hopefully, I can be president by the time we finish and start my new foreign policy plans.

"Hey, China, Taiwan is it's own country, ya numbnuts. Now, you stop being commies or you'll no longer be the most populated country."

"Middle East, you don't seem to be doing very well with Islam, so you're now all Unitarians. I'm not too sure what that entails, but hopefully it involves less killing. Try it out for a couple weeks and get back to me."

"France, you have to rename yourself Wussland. You will be known as the Wussies. Speaking anything other than American slang or watching anything other than American blockbusters is punishable by death."

"Palestinians, you now get your own country. It's called Germany. Go there now because the Israelis want to fumigate before they finish settling."

Man, I can't wait until missile defense is done. It'll be like Christmas everyday.

(Thanks to Bill Quick for the link.)

Rating: 2.3/5 (26 votes cast)

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October 12, 2002
Frank Saves the Iraqis
Posted by Frank J. at 03:04 PM

Now that the "Let's Kill Iraqis and Steal Their Oil" resolution has been passed in Congress, the Iraqis are clamoring for a way to not to be bombed and made dead by us. Some are trying to act indignant. "When someone comes to your house and says, 'I'm going to attack you and kill your parents and children' what do you say? You say, ‘I'm willing to defend my land, my money and my house,'" says some dumbass who lives in the Middle East. The only problem with his logic is that it's America, the good guys, asking politely to kill his parents and his children, so you know they have a pretty damn good reason. The proper response should be, "Sure, America, let me get them out here for you and line them up to make it easier. I have some extra bullets if you need them. I could also get working on making another family so you can kill them too, oh savior of the world."

Unfortunately, I'm a Christian, so I have to love everybody for fear God might give me boils and rain frogs on me (God, is that Guy pushy). So, I'm going to offer some suggestions to the Iraqis that will help keep America from saturation bombing them and then sowing their earth with salt (as is the new American foreign policy). One idea is to offer extra-unlimited inspections to all Americans. That means that not only can we drop by anywhere in Iraq unexpected, but we can stay as long as we want and take anything we want. Like, we could stay for a week in one of the palaces and take a lamp home with us, no complaints. The other and probably best idea is to brutally murder Saddam. I mean, that would knock the wind right out of our sails. If Saddam were gutted and then they played an entire soccer game with his head, we'd just lose all interest in Iraq. Maybe we'd bomb a few palaces just for the heck of it, but then we'd probably just go back to kill'n more al Queda jerk-offs until we finally get the resolve to whup the Sauds.

Rating: 2.2/5 (24 votes cast)

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October 11, 2002
And They Smell Bad, Too
Posted by Frank J. at 06:25 PM

Katherine Harris has released a new book on her experiences in the Florida election fiasco and will probably be elected to Congress this November. Good for her, because she took a lot of abuse at the hands of supposedly sensitive and caring liberals. They made fun of Harris because she wore a lot of make up. In the same vein, they hated Linda Tripp because she was overweight. Conservatives called this childish and immature, but how is that any different from conservatives making fun of liberals because they're a bunch of stupid, evil hippies who are complete retards have no sense of morality and whine a lot and are wrong about everything and in a just world would be locked in cages and studied using random shocks to try and see how their thinking went so perverse and then finally force them to work in coal mines so we are protected from their idiotic ideas plus have more coal? It's no different what so ever, and I think we all have some personal reflection to do on this subject.

Rating: 2.4/5 (24 votes cast)

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October 09, 2002
A Question of No Importance
Posted by Frank J. at 08:46 AM

Apropos to nut'n, were the can and the can opener invented simultaneously? I figure someone didn't invent the can opener first and then said, "Hey, we've got this great opener, now let's invent something it can open." If that didn't happen, and they were not both made at the same time, that means that, after the first man successful sealed food inside a can, he stood a long while just staring at it wondering, "Now how the hell do I get it out of there? Now this seems like such a dumb idea, because I'm hungry." I know that if someone had taken my food, sealed it inside a can, and didn't have a way of getting it out, I'd be pretty pissed.

Rating: 3.0/5 (25 votes cast)

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Do It For Little Timmy
Posted by Frank J. at 08:32 AM

I just checked my map of the Middle East this morning... Iraq is still there! What gives! Congress is actually still debating an attack! What the hell are we paying them for! Each day Saddam lives, it is a profanity to you, to your family, to your neighbors, to that snot-nosed kid who lives down the street, and to baby Jesus. But all they can do is talk talk talk, when they should be letting our trigger fingers do the talking. At this rate, when we finally cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war, the dogs are going to be old and have hip problems and just want to nap. And, then we'll have to explain to little Timmy that we need to put them down, and little Timmy will not understand. Little Timmy will start crying, "Please, mister, don't kill my war dogs!" and it will be a mess. But Democrats, who laugh at little Timmy's tears, are still dragging their feet. They're afraid the resolution is too broad and then Bush will use it to go attack Portugal or something. Who cares? And then some, like Sen. Carl Levin, want us to wait for U.N. Security Council approval before we do anything. That's right; before we can defend our national security and keep Timmy's war dogs fetching sticks, Levin wants us to get the approval of the frogs! Why doesn't the guy just come out and admit he hates the sovereignty of the U.S. and never cared for apple pie? Why does he even act like he cares about the security of the American people when its so obvious he doesn't? Who elects these loons?

Man, now they've drawn me into the debate. Okay, no more talking, unless its orders on where to drop the bombs.

Rating: 2.5/5 (24 votes cast)

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October 08, 2002
October Surprise
Posted by Frank J. at 08:09 AM

I watched Bush's speech last night, and, though it was good and straight to the point, it was all stuff we already knew. I thought it would have been awesome if he ended with some huge surprise.

"So, with everything I have outlined, it seems that Iraq is our biggest threat... but then I looked further into the issue. Where was Iraq getting all its funding? Where were they getting their intelligence data? Who was behind Saddam and his push for evil?" Bush then pointed to Gerhard Schroeder who sat among them in the audience. "It was Germany behind this all along! That's why I use this opportunity not to declare war on Iraq, but on Germany!"

"This is absurd!" Schroeder exclaimed, trying to look shocked, "You unilateralist Americans have finally gone insane."

"Germany never gave up their evil Nazi ways," Bush continued, staring at the evil Schroeder, "They just hid them, using Iraq as their patsy as they pretended all they were interested in were making quality automobiles. But, the truth is, Schroeder is the son of Hitler and Saddam is his illegitimate half brother!"

"Lies! Lies!" Schroeder yelled, rising to his feet. He could then see that no one else believed him, his Hitler evil too obvious. He then began to laugh, a laugh of pure evil that curdled one's blood. "We'll bury you America! We'll bury you all!" He then was propelled skyward by a jetpack hidden under his coat, crashing through the skylight for his escape.

I'm not saying the speech was bad; I'm just saying it should have had a bit more theatrics if it's going to play in a prime time slot.

Rating: 2.8/5 (18 votes cast)

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October 07, 2002
Palestinian Creativity
Posted by Frank J. at 01:08 PM

The Palestinians don't seem to have much going for them. They live under an oppressive dictator and make things worse with violence, so they don't ever seem to achieve much. There is one thing, though, they seem to excel at: getting killed by Israelis. Think about it; how many Irishmen have you heard been killed by Israelis? How many Eskimos? How many Brazilians? Pretty much none. Even the innovative Japanese can't seem to get themselves killed by Israelis. And Americans, who usually excel at everything, are so far behind the Palestinians on getting killed by Israelis that they don't even register. Even today, Palestinians were able to get thirteen of themselves killed by trying to harbor terrorists. Of course, harboring terrorists is just one way Palestinians get themselves killed by Israelis. Here are some of their other creative ways:

*Charging a bunch of Israeli troops with on AK-47.
*Trying to blow one's self up.
*Trying to run blockades.
*Camping out in other places in Arafat's compound than where Arafat himself is.

And finally, my favorite:

*Throwing rocks at people with automatic rifles in their hands.

The last one really is especially good. Usually, throwing a rock at someone with an automatic rifle is not a great idea (think: what's the best possible outcome of that situation), but, when trying to get oneself killed by Israelis, it uses very little resources. Admittedly, they probably adapted that technique from that one tribe who was especially adept at getting killed by tigers. What they would do is carefully approach a sleeping tiger and then poke him with a small sharp stick. I forget the name of that tribe, though; I believe they died out a long long time ago.

Rating: 2.7/5 (22 votes cast)

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October 06, 2002
We Used to Be Able to Shoot Dead Anyone Who Tried to Steal Our Money
Posted by Frank J. at 12:56 PM

I finally saw that flash movie from the Democrats that's been causing quite a stir. It starts off with some hippy who I guess is supposed to be some cool young adult like in those "Truth" ads that always stir me to violent thoughts. Bush promptly kills him. This reminds me why I voted for Bush: he'll kill hippies without even a moment's thought. Bush then kills an old person. Is this supposed to be an ad against killing hippies and old people? No, it's about social security. That's where the Democrats steal our money for supposedly our own good and do God knows what with it - though I'm sure Satan does his best to keep even God from finding out about it (Satan is a left-of-center Democrat). In the good old days, people who stole our money like that would be hung next to horse thieves, but today they are elected by dumb people. And we get pretty much no return on this stolen money, or, for a young'n like me, I'll probably never see it again.

Bye bye, money. I miss you.

Sorry, I got emotional for a second. So Bush has proposed giving people the choice... no, I hate that word now... the option of investing some of their money. According to the flash ad, Democrats equate having some control in the investment of your stolen money with killing old people. Is this because Democrats are:

A. Stupid
B. Evil
C. Stupid, evil, and goddamn dirty Communists.

The answer, of course, is C. This is why, for the sake of our country, we must chase away all Democrats until the two major parties are just the Republicans and the Libertarians (who can easily be identified by their blue skin; I always thought Smurfs were Communists, but I guess I was wrong). Then we'll attack whatever country the Democrats fled to (probably France) and force them to pay tribute to us. We'll use this money for Americans' retirement. Now, there's a social security plan I'll buy into.

Rating: 2.6/5 (24 votes cast)

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October 05, 2002
Frank Discussions
Posted by Frank J. at 07:16 PM

A U.S. envoy had a "frank" discussion with North Korea, which probably means we just told them how bad we think they are and that we hope they change. That's diplomacy, but I guess I'm too simple for that. North Korea is doing evil things now. It's oppressing people now. It's planning to make WMD's now. Plus, they're a big threat to South Korea who animate all the Simpsons episodes, which, in my opinion, is a more important resource than oil. So I wouldn't just tell North Korea I think they're bad and hope they change in the future. Here's how a "Frank" discussion would go with North Korea:

Our envoy meets with some North Korean diplomats for talks. Our people then, without saying a word, kick the crap out of the North Koreans. The president soon after calls up to apologize as sincerely as possible, saying he didn't know who those envoys were that attacked the Korean diplomats and offers to meet with Kim Jong Il himself. Then, at that meeting, the president will thmen kick the crap out of him and promptly leave. He then calls Kim Jong II again the next day, apologizing once more claiming he was drunk and then offer to meet with hi again. He will probably say no at this point. The president should act really pissed, saying how he once smacked around Schroeder and he was cool about it afterwards. When Jong still refuses, we then tell the world that talks with the North Koreans are going no where and that their leader is funny looking so we need to attack them now before... uh... before we forget about it (we're America, the only superpower; why the hell do we need to give other countries cogent excuses for our actions?). We then quickly take out their government using our super-modern weapons against their stupid commie weapons, give food to the people and become heroes, and set yet another example to China that communism doesn't pay.

I guess the plan might work without the severe beating of North Korean diplomats, but that's one of those "why not" sort of things.

Rating: 2.6/5 (26 votes cast)

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October 03, 2002
This Would Be an Even Better Idea If Their Literacy Rate Wasn't 58%
Posted by Frank J. at 12:55 PM

Did I miss something, or are we still not bombing Iraq? I was thinking I just missed it in the news, because it sure as hell doesn't make any sense to me those guys aren't toast yet. I mean, what are my tax dollars paying for? And don't tell me it's poor people.

What I hear the U.S. is doing is dropping leaflets to scare the bajeebus out of the Iraqis so they won't even try fighting back. They explain how, if they try anything, we'll kill them just like we killed their friends. It's a timeless message, but I think we could do better. These guys are pretty ignorant, so we might as well just make stuff up too so we'll be even scarier to them. Here's what my leaflet would say:

"Do not lock your radar on our planes or fire at them. We can easily tell when someone does this, and thus you will be instantly killed. Our planes are top secret, so do not look at them. We have sophisticated technology to tell if someone is looking at our planes, and you will be instantly killed. Do not listen to the sounds our planes make when we fly by - that is also top secret. Make sure to cover your ears when we fly by, or your head will explode. Our new policy is that every time we fly by Iraqis, we will fire one of our anti-anti-American missiles. It can tell when someone is thinking bad things about America and seek them out and kill them. So, if you think a plane is coming towards you or you see something in the air - even if you're sure it's just a bird - always immediately drop straight to the ground, curl up in a ball, close your eyes, cover your ears, and start thinking about how great America is or you will be instantly killed."

My other idea is to make the leaflet look like one of those humorous Hallmark cards. On the outside it would say, "We wanted to tell you how great America is and convince you that Saddam is evil and that you should turn against him..." and then on the inside it would say, "but we decided it was easier to just lace this card with deadly poison."

Rating: 2.4/5 (22 votes cast)

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Frank Saves the Democrats
Posted by Frank J. at 08:04 AM

Gore now gave another tirade on the economy, and you can almost hear all the top Democrats cringing. The guy is such dead weight and completely unelectable now, but he'll probably win the primary in 2004 because the Democrats' base is total firck'n idiots. Hey, the Democrats dug their own grave when they decided that was the kind of people they were going to court. Sure drooling morons are great for mobilizing in the general election (even thought a good number of them disenfranchise themselves by going at a punch ballot like a hyperactive monkey), but the Democrats could really use open primaries so that Republicans can save them from themselves like they did with McKinney. The other option is the Torricelli bait and switch, but you have to get the candidate to take himself off the ballot, and Gore is so much a loon that he could be 80 percentage point behind and he'll still be convinced he'll win. So what options are left for the Democrats? Simple, discredit Gore in a way even the stupid can understand. Next time Gore gives a speech, one of the other Democratic hopefuls should walk up to him right in the middle of it and bitch slap him. Who's going to vote for Gore after he's been bitch slapped in front of everyone? And the Democrat who does it will look like a real leader. Hell, I'll switch party registration myself and vote for him. Yeah, you heard me right, and I'll honor that even if it's Daschle who does the deed. Not Hillary, though; I assume she's already done it before, anyway.

Rating: 2.2/5 (22 votes cast)

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October 02, 2002
Somehow I Knew New Jersey Would Eventually Be the End of Us All
Posted by Frank J. at 06:18 PM

So, if Democrats succeed in replacing Torricelli with Lautenberg on the New Jersey ballot, will this totally destroy our political system leading to complete chaos, the forests burning, the oceans boiling, and the end of life as we know it? Yes, but here's what will happen before then. Immediately, primaries will be shelved since now political parties can switch candidates at will. There will be no reason to do positive ad campaigns, since the candidate being built up could suddenly be swapped at any moment; thus, all ads will be negative. Of course, as soon as a negative ad comes out, the subject of it will be immediately swapped with someone else thus nullifying the ad. Instead, ads will just attack random members of the other party, just in case anyone of them may end up as the actual candidate. Parties will then start switching the candidates to random people registered to their party, and then you shouldn't be surprised if you see a negative ad against yourself. "Bob Johnson doesn't mow his lawn often enough and looks funny, so don't vote Republican or you might be voting for Bob Johnson." As the election nears, candidates will be switched at even faster rates so as to really throw off the other party. Probably some advanced computer algorithm will be used such that candidates will be changed at a rate of one billion times a second. The actual ballot will just say "Unnamed Republican" and "Unnamed Democrat", and it will be near random chance who will actually be the candidate when the election ends. Of course, we'll probably never reach the election end, as neighbor will turn against neighbor, brother against brother, son against father, dog against cat, as, at any moment, they could be candidates running against each other. Violence will erupt, families will collapse, and soon American society itself will be destroyed. And, when America is gone, you know it will only be hours before the rest of the world destroys itself from lack of America's kind guidance. The damn, dirty apes will then take their chance to conquer the humans and make us their slaves, forcing us to toil day and night in their underground banana mines, with the only thing for any human to look forward being their sweet, sweet death. And all of this so New Jersey voters can have a "choice" this election. God, I'm beginning to hate that word.

Rating: 2.3/5 (29 votes cast)

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Are You with America, or Are You with Iraq and the Monkeys?
Posted by Frank J. at 01:13 PM

The president has reached an agreement with the House on an Iraq attack, though Senate Democrats are still opposed since the current wording shows interest in the security of the American people, something of which they are vehemently against. Right now, all it says is that before starting a war Bush has to certify that he had no other option than force (like anyone really cares), and then every couple months he has to give a report to Congress saying something like, "Still kill'n Iraqis."

In the dog and pony show that some people call the U.N., France and Russia still need some convincing. China says they'll abstain from the vote since they're evil and there government is illegitimate. Good for them. Of course, the vote doesn't matter since we're going to go attack Iraq anyway, but, if they don't want to come along, more cheap oil for us (this war is all about oil, if you didn't know; don't let anyone outside of the right-wing conspiracy find that out, though).

There were some protestors outside the front gate of the White House, and, giving further evidence that protestors of the war with Iraq have thought processes similar to monkeys, one climbed to the top of the gate. She was arrested, but, because she came back down on the outside of the fence, she avoided a felony charge. Good to know. Next time I'm in D.C., if I see a protestor climbing the fence, I'll have to remember to throw a rock at him to knock him down on the other side. I'll just tell the police, "I thought a monkey was going to attack the president." We'll all have a good laugh and then the guy will be sent to prison for a long long time, which is also funny.

Rating: 2.6/5 (25 votes cast)

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October 01, 2002
Red Dot Diplomacy
Posted by Frank J. at 06:36 PM

Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. Ari Fleischer mentioned in a press conference how things would be cheaper and easier if Saddam were just assassinated. Now that's good policy to me: We don't like someone, we kill the mo'fo'. Why go into some full scale war when its just one bastard we don't like? It's so simple, of course the Euro-weenies will throw a hissy-fit if we do it; I'm almost convinced they like things complicated with lots of people dying. You're probably now saying, "Well, then let's assassinate the whole lot of them. That will teach them to be European." Yes, but, when you assassinate lots of people, it kinda loses its charm. The more compassionate idea is to just freak the hell out of them. When we want to assassinate some evil dictator, we wait until inevitably a European leader goes to appease him, and blow the dictators brains out just as they're shaking hands. That will put the fear of God in them, and, more to the point, the fear of America.

Anyway, when the U.S. government gets serious on this assassinate Saddam thing, they have my e-mail. My rates for heads of state are a bit higher, but I will give a patriotic discount. Frank's gots to eat, though, and he likes the prime rib.

Rating: 2.7/5 (24 votes cast)

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I'm Strong to the Finish, 'Cause I Drinks Me Guinness; I'm Frank J. the Blogging Man (toot) (toot)
Posted by Frank J. at 07:10 AM

Polish President Aleksander Kwasniewski has threatened to boycott Guinness if Ireland doesn't join the EU (thanks to Amish Tech Support for the Link). This seems like a hollow threat, because I can't imagine a EUnik drinking Guinness on account of it being a man's beer. That dark, black liquid would be too scary for the average whiny European; a Frenchman would probably surrender if a pint were placed in front of him. And what does Ireland need from the EU anyway when they already have Guinness? Just ask yourself what would you rather have...

...close association with all European countries or a pint of Guinness?
...a stable, widely accepted currency or a pint of Guinness?
...national security or a pint of Guinness?
...the respect and admiration of France or a half ounce of Guinness?

I think the answer to each of those is pretty obvious, and it's not alcoholism - it's national pride!

Rating: 2.5/5 (31 votes cast)

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September 28, 2002
License to Whup Ass
Posted by Frank J. at 12:47 PM

God do I hate globalization protestors. Yesterday they caused a bunch of trouble, and today we all know they'll cause more. So why can't we preemptively strike these idiots? I know, I know, people have a right to free speech and protest, so we can't hurt them before they actually do something. But we all know they're going to do something, so why can't the police go to a judge, show him the past history of these dumbass protestors, and get a beating permit. Next we trick the protestors into thinking the World Bank and IMF meetings are down some dark alleyway. Then the police surround them and beat them like red-headed stepchildren. Now, don't take me out of context; I don't mean they should be beat within an inch of their lives. They should just be each given a few whomps to the head to knock the bad thinking out. Of course, as happens with anything effective America may do, other world leaders may protest what we've done. We then tell them we're really sorry and we've decided to have a big meeting with other countries to discuss it. Next we trick them into thinking the meeting is down some dark alleyway and then - POW! - we knock the European sensibilities out of them. We do this enough times, we'll have world peace!

Rating: 2.6/5 (29 votes cast)

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September 27, 2002
Then Again, We'd Have to See Him in Nothing But a Diaper
Posted by Frank J. at 06:15 PM

Kennedy has come out against going to war with Iraq. He outlines a number of reasons to which I respond by pointing out how large his head is. It's HUGE! He has to be obese to lower his center of gravity and keep from toppling over. Now, the size of his head probably has nothing to do with the value of his arguments, but I would then point out that Rep. Nadler has a very large head as well. Anyway, depite his enourmous head and the fact that he talks funny, Kennedy still has some pull in the Senate, due probably to the fear from other Senators that he might eat them, offer them a ride home, or, worst of all, headbutt them. Hopefully he won't slow down America's momentum for action the way he would slow down a bus by boarding it, as many Democrats may listen to him and a few may then understand what he is saying. So, this begs the question: who is the largest Republican Senator? I think we should settle this issue the way they settle all disputes in Japan - by battle of sumo.

Rating: 2.4/5 (29 votes cast)

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The Politics of Punching
Posted by Frank J. at 07:26 AM

Bush scaled back his Iraq resolution so the Democrats might not be such whiny bitches about it. Instead of being able to kill anyone he wants when he wants and making it optional to tell anyone, he decided to be nice and limit his killing and tell the Speaker of the House and the president pro tempore before mass-slaughter commences. I guess he'd just say, "Hey, just so you know, I'm going to kill me some Iraqis." Then he could shake his fist at them and threaten, "And don't you tell any of the Europeans so they can ruin my fun." And I bet they would listen, because Bush looks like he might actually follow through and punch someone. So I think this system works fine. Daschle, who I believe said in a speech he is not interested in the security of the American people, still thinks there is a long way to go with the resolution. Who knows what that means? He probably wants to remove all that distracting war talk and instead make the Iraq resolution a repeal of the tax cut. Perhaps Bush can punch him. He'll probably whine about it to the press, but then Bush can threaten to punch him again. Daschle will then remember how much that first punch hurt and capitulate. It's a common but effective political strategy. Anyway, something needs to be done to get moving on the Iraq attack; every day Saddam's palaces aren't piles of rubble, baby Jesus cries.

Rating: 2.4/5 (29 votes cast)

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September 26, 2002
Me No Like War. Me No Like Republicans. Me Streisand.
Posted by Frank J. at 07:45 PM

I think the best description of many people in the entertainment industry is "well meaning retards." They all want to genuinely help people so much, but they just happen to be some of the dumbest people to ever grace God's green earth. There is hardly a better example than Barbra Streisand. Were she some regular person, she'd just be an idiot on the street who no one ever listened to enough to gain a full appreciation of how profoundly stupid she is. Instead, as part of some cruel joke, she is famous and we all get to hear her amusing idiocy. The Drudge Report has obtained a fax she sent to "Gebhardt" (yes, it's misspelled, but give her credit for getting the silent 'd' right), and she rails against the war on Iraq and the evil Republicans in a manner that is not only moronic, but also cliched. So, who gave her the idea she had anything original or intelligent to say? They must be very mean people and should be hurt. Yes, it's funny to laugh at Streisand, but do those who encourage her to speak out ever stop to think of her feelings? She is a human being, and, if they had any concern for her, the would lock her away in a home and train her to keep quiet through a series of painful shocks.

Rating: 2.3/5 (22 votes cast)

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September 25, 2002
So What If Democrat's Aren't Interested in the Security of the American People? I'm Not Interested in Their Security
Posted by Frank J. at 06:33 PM

Daschle is having a hissy fit because Bush stated the obvious that, "Democrats are not interested in the security of the American people." I can sympathize, as this whole fighting terrorism stuff is sure inconvenient for Democrats during the election cycle. When the issue is important stuff like national security and keeping America safe from murderers, Republicans are trusted more. Democrats, on the other hand, are much more trusted with piddling crap. People think that Democrats are too whiny and touchy-feely to kill bad people when needed but are just whiny enough to get them cheaper prescriptions and free stuff. Problem is, when the focus is important things like wars, people don't give a rats ass about saving a few cents on Prozac, so the Democrats need to keep the focus away from the war. Is this the same as not being interested in the security of the American people? Yes, but it's not fair to point that out. If the Democrats were all really interested in keeping people safe from terrorists, then they'd all have to resign and appoint competent Republicans in their place (competent = not like Hagel), and that's expecting a little too much of them.

Rating: 2.1/5 (24 votes cast)

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Kids These Days
Posted by Frank J. at 07:42 AM

A Berkeley study shows that teenagers are more conservative on average than their parents. The results of the poll were that teenagers were more in favor of federal funding of faith based charities, school prayer, and restrictions on abortion than adults even though so many of them dress like stupid punks. This is a good thing, but the article doesn't seem to say why this happened. Was it just a result of simple teenage rebellion?

"My parents are always like, 'Let's abort everybody and not pray,' but I'm not like my parents."
"Yeah, parents are so stupid and tend towards left-wing positions on social issues. Let's go hang out at the mall."

Rating: 2.4/5 (23 votes cast)

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September 24, 2002
Not Being Able to Kill Makes Me Violent
Posted by Frank J. at 10:35 PM

I'm not good at this leagal mumbo jumbo; did the death penalty get outlawed again? What's it with with these judges anyway? First they say we can only execute members of Mensa, then we can't give props to God when saying the pledge, and now we can't kill criminals all together. What gives? Now we'll just have to stick to killing evil foreigners; much less paperwork. Hell, we can "regime change" until the seas turn red with blood and we don't have to do any appeals or nut'n. Well, I just hope that when attacked by a criminal in the street you still don't have to go through some trial before being able to unload a fifteen round clip into the guy and then slapping in another clip and unloading that into him and then kicking him a few times. And I better not end up being stuck at the police station answering questions for an hour next time either.

Rating: 2.6/5 (26 votes cast)

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Frank Discovers a New Country
Posted by Frank J. at 07:09 PM

I read that American troops are headed to the Ivory Coast. My first question was, what country or countries is the Ivory Coast in? Ends up - I'm not making this up - it is a country! A country named "Ivory Coast." That's not even a good enough name for like a little town. I could maybe see it as the name of a hotel, but a whole country! What war did they lose to get stuck with that name? So, I looked it up in the CIA World Fact Book, but it wasn't there. So I then looked under 'C' in case it was listed as "Coast, Ivory" for some reason. There I found Cote d'Ivoire which seemed to be it. I found out they have close ties to France and export coffee before my attention span petered out. Anyway, the American troops are going there to save missionary children from violent rebels (can we be anymore the "good guys" than that?) and perhaps kill some Ivory Coastians or whatever you call them. Well, Godspeed to them and... is one of it's neighbors named "Burkina Faso"? Well, I guess not everyone can make fun of the Ivory Coast. My God, how many countries are there?

Rating: 2.6/5 (24 votes cast)

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September 23, 2002
A Frank Lesson in Diplomacy
Posted by Frank J. at 06:19 PM

Now that we hate Germany, the uestion is what to do about it. One's first instinct is to make a declaration, "We hate Germany!" and then launch cruise missiles at them. Though it is logical, we'd be called "undiplomatic" for doing that, and there is nothing worse than being called undiplomatic. Instead, we have to express our hatred for the Germans in less obvious ways while never actually owning up to how much we think they suck. Here are some ways:

*In a "typo," have Germany listed in the axis of evil. Say you thought you remembered them being in an axis of some sort.
*Have the president casually refer to Germany as a "third world country." Deny it later.
*In official documents, constantly use the phrase, "So simple, even a German could understand it."
*Throw great party inviting all America's allies and even a few terrorist nations such as Syria, Lybia, and Holland, but conspicuously don't invite Germany.
*Have the American Kennel Club change the name of the German Shepherd to the "Stupid Kraut Dog." Have it described as the dumbest and smelliest breed of dog.
*Move German embassy moved to back room at local IHOP. Make sure they don't get any special discounts there.
*Have a secret ops mission to give Schroeder a wedgie just before a major speech. Make jokes about it but deny all culpability.
*When picking teams for an international kick ball game, and the final choice is between France and Germany, from now on pick France.

If Germany still seems to not get the picture, then, before all the U.N., have America say, "Anyone who is an ally of Germany, raise your hand," and make sure its said in a way that other countries know they'll be made fun of too if they do raise their hand. Then no one will say they like Germany. Hopefully that will finally get them to elect a leader we can trust, like someone named Joe Smith who doesn't speak German at all.

Rating: 2.2/5 (29 votes cast)

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Achtung! A Few Things You Should Know About Schroeder
Posted by Frank J. at 10:16 AM

Gerhard Schroeder won the election yesterday. Know who also won an election in the past? Hitler. Hitler was elected in Germany. Know what country Schroeder won his election in? Germany as well. Schroeder was wearing a nice suit and tie for the occasion - just like Hitler used to wear - and combed his hair too - like Hitler. He then gave a speech - Hitler loved speeches - in German (guess what language Hitler spoke) while standing up (no wheelchair for Hitler) and, though I don't know the text of the speech (know whose speeches I also don't know the text of? That's right, Hitler!), I'm sure it was all about how he'd improve Germany, just like Hitler would promise. Schroeder also said he wouldn't help America fight Iraq. Now, who is that other person who never helped America fight Iraq? Oh yeah, Hitler! And what kind of name is Gerhard? I've never known anyone named Gerhard. I've also never known anyone named Adolph. To be fair, there are some differences between Schroeder and Hitler. Hitler had a mustache, but Schroeder, quite conspicuously, does not (almost too conspicuously, if you ask me). Also, Schroeder is not responsible for the death of millions, but, hey, the night is still young.

Rating: 2.0/5 (23 votes cast)

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September 22, 2002
Should Do Well in Latin America
Posted by Frank J. at 02:05 PM

Mel Gibson wants to make a movie about Jesus and have it in two ancient languages - Latin and Aramaic - with no subtitles. I think this is a good idea. I had Latin in high school, and there wasn't very much interesting stuff out there to translate. The Romans, despite killing lots of people, never made any movies. This one guy Virgil wrote this epic called Aeneid, but he didn't really ever finish it, and, frankly, it does need some editing (those guys need to lay off the semicolons). So more cool stuff in Latin would have made class more interesting, and watching a movie, any movie, is usually better than the regular work. Hopefully schools won't get scared away from it because it involves Jesus; some people don't like religious stuff like that though I thought everyone liked Jesus. He was real nice guy to everyone and he never lost his temper... well, except for that one time when he freaked out and started knocking over table in a temple (note to self: when asking, "What would Jesus do?" remember that the answer is sometimes "Freak out and knock over tables.") Anyway, when they show the movie here, I hope they leave enough lights on in the theater so I can read my Latin dictionary and perhaps understand every eighth word or so ("He said 'es', that means he's telling that guy 'you are' something.").

Rating: 2.5/5 (25 votes cast)

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September 21, 2002
Guns Are Like Art, Except Not Useless
Posted by Frank J. at 01:07 PM

Mesa, Arizona Mayor Keno Hawker is proposing that confiscated firearms be sold in auction instead of destroyed. This shows that Hawker is a moral man, because destroying guns is wrong. Guns are cool looking, which makes them a work of art, and you don't destroy works of art (unless it's made by some hippy). Would you destroy the Mona Lisa just because it was confiscated from a criminal? And what about other things confiscated from criminals, do they ever think to destroy those too? Like, if a box of puppies was taken from a criminal cartel, would they just throw them all in a fire? No, the only item they do this to is guns, because there are evil people out there who hate freedom, hate America, hate themselves, hate their mothers, hate apple pie, hate humanity, and hate guns (and probably would throw puppies in a fire if they could). These hateful people should be routed out of office so that confiscated guns can be sold at auction and thus giving cheap guns to a needy populace and, along with it, love and happiness.

Rating: 2.3/5 (25 votes cast)

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September 20, 2002
Shell Shock
Posted by Frank J. at 11:59 AM

It seems that whenever there is a suicide bombing, later on the news we'll hear, "This just in: there are reports of the Israelis shelling Arafat's compound," and they act all surprised even though it happens everytime. The Israelis always assure the media that they are not targeting Arafat and won't kill or expel him. Instead, they just seem perfectly content killing and destroying everyone and everything around him. I think that's fine and dandy, but I have just one question: how big is this compound? Aren't the Israelis going to eventually run out of parts of it to shell, the whole thing being ruduced to one room containing Arafat who is frantically cleaning the dust off him with baby wipes? Then what do they do? Do they just fire really near where Arafat is while exclaiming, "Not shelling you! Not shelling you!" If it makes any difference, the Israelis have my permission to finally go ahead and kill and expel Arafat. I really don't see how anyone will care that much; maybe the impotent Germans will whine about it, but it's not like anyone will do anything. Then Israelis can then get back on to the road to peace and start shelling all the other Palestinian buildings.

Rating: 2.4/5 (24 votes cast)

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September 19, 2002
Rings of Peace
Posted by Frank J. at 01:10 PM

Did you know that the earth used to have rings? Wow, wouldn't that be cool. Frankly, I'm getting tired of the moon. It just sits there, and all we ever see is the one side. Why don't we blow it up to make some rings again? I think that's a great project for America to do. After we blow up the moon, soon everyone would see the world's wonderful new rings, and then maybe they would decide to stop disliking America and to be nice to everybody. Isn't that a happy thought? Someone send me millions and I'll get working on the demolitions.

Rating: 2.2/5 (24 votes cast)

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September 18, 2002
A Frank Lesson in Physics
Posted by Frank J. at 06:33 PM

European scientist have created a bunch of antihydrogen to allow them to test some physics theories. Now, you might think that antihydrogen would make your voice lower if inhaled from an antiballoon, but actually, if physic theories hold up, antihydrogen should act just like regular hydrogen. So, you'd then think the experiment to test whether our physics theories hold up is for one of the scientists to inhales the antihydrogen and then see if he can make the other scientists laugh by saying, "Waaaaaaaaaasup!" The problem with that is that antimatter doesn't get along well with regular matter, and thus the scientist's head would explode (plus, the whole "wassup" thing is pretty tired now and not likely to cause laughs even when aided by helium). Though sudden explosions of the head might make the other scientists chuckle if they are mad scientists, it wouldn't prove anything we don't already know. What they would need is an antiscientist to inhale the antihydrogen and then try to talk in an high-pitch antivoice. But the antiscientist would explode in a regular lab, so we'd need an antilab to house him. But there aren't any antilabs, because it looks like there is only regular old matter in the universe. This is a strange asymmetrical quality to the universe, and my theory is that early on there was a big matter war and our matter won out because it is much more superior to that other stupid matter. I don't have any evidence to back up this theory, but I do have drawings of what I think the laser guns they used looks like.

Anyway, I have a better idea for the antihydrogen than proving physics (I gave up on physics after I heard about that quantum crap; I don't care if it's true - it's stupid). First, let's steal it from Europe; I don't like them having things we don't. Then, we can put it in a regular looking balloon with a special magnetized field to contain it. Next, we find a dictator that likes to entertain his guests by inhaling helium from balloons and imitating Mickey Mouse (I think Castro is one). Finally, we replace one of his balloons with our balloon of death, and, then, when he inhales the contents, BOOM!! And no one will ever believe we replaced one of his balloons with one filled with antihydrogen because that's just too convoluted a plan. It's perfect!

UPDATE: Whoops. In my zeal, I didn't realize I was talking about hydrogen and not helium. I'm not sure how that could have happened (actually, it was probably something like the Moses effect), but I blame communists. So, will inhaling hydrogen also make one's voice high-pitch, or is my plan shot (kids, do not find this out by trying to inhale hydrogen... especially if you plan on having a smoke afterwards)? I guess the plan could be saved by taking the antihydrogen to an antisun so that it would use its antifusion to make antihelium, but now this is almost getting to be a little too complicated.

Rating: 2.1/5 (25 votes cast)

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September 17, 2002
I'm Starting PUTP: People for the Unethical Treatment of PETA
Posted by Frank J. at 07:51 PM

So PETA has been giving money to terrorists, but that's not the big news to me. Now people are demanding that their tax exempt status be removed, to which I reply, "What the @#&$! They had tax exempt status!" Why the hell wouldn't they have to pay taxes!? I mean, do you get tax exempt for just being a bunch of annoying, moronic dicks? Do teenagers get tax exempt status? Well, hopefully now the meat-consuming FBI will get on their asses and show them you the meanest, toughest animals are, which, incidentally, are the the only ones who make good use of tasers and cudgels when they get pissed off.

Rating: 2.4/5 (22 votes cast)

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Hopefully It Won't Come Down to Nuclear Inspections
Posted by Frank J. at 08:10 AM

Iraq has decided to let in weapon inspectors. Dammit. This isn't going to ruin our plans to kick the crap out of them, is it? Can't we just bomb them anyway and call it inspections? After we hit their buildings, we observe the color of the resultant flame to find out what chemicals were inside; sounds more efficent than walking through the buildings. We could also inspect much of their ground troops and military hardware. Finally, we should inspect Saddam with a sniper rifle.

And if any of you U.N. members complain, then we'll inspect you next. Capisce?

Rating: 2.2/5 (22 votes cast)

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Writing Anti-Gun Arguments is a Disease
Posted by Frank J. at 08:01 AM

First Michael Bellesiles makes stuff up facts for his bogus anti-gun book, and Dave Kopel in this article mention a woman named Lois Schwoerer who uses a dictionary definition to support her argument, and then makes up that definition! What is wrong with these anti-gun nuts? They're supposed to be scholars, but they're so tied to a sinking ship of an argument that they make up facts to support it. Maybe other scholars can have an intervention for them:

"You can't just keep making up facts. We think its time to admit you don't have a rational argument for your position."

"I'm not the one without the rational argument! You're the ones without the rational argument!"

"Calm down. We're here to help you."

So is there like a Total-Dumbasses Anonymous for these people to go to? Without a support group, it won't be long before they go right back to writing more anti-gun crap and pissing me off. And that improves no one's safety.

Rating: 2.1/5 (19 votes cast)

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September 16, 2002
Kill Animals, Not Plants
Posted by Frank J. at 01:26 PM

A FoxNews.com report talks about how many vegetarians are coming back to eating meat. That seems about right, because that whole vegetarian thing never made sense anyway. What's the difference between a vegetarian burger and a regular beef burger? Both are just processed vegetables, the former had the processing done by machines and the latter done naturally by a cow. And which one tastes better? Nature's way of course. When a cow eats vegetables, it has this almost magical ability to sort out only the tasty parts of vegetables and then repackage it in the form of yummy meat. But those nature-hating vegetarians think they can outdo God's way and thus are arrogant and evil.

And what's with this complaint about how animals are treated on farms? Vegetables are treated even worse; they're kept in one place their entire lives and not allowed any mobility at all. And plants never try to harm people, while animals, on the other hand, can be mean. Once, my dog bit me; she didn't even give a reason. That's just how animals are. Not once, though, have I been attacked by a house plant. So, obviously, it is much more moral to kill animals than plants.

Rating: 2.6/5 (23 votes cast)

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September 13, 2002
A Plea to God
Posted by Frank J. at 01:10 PM

Please, God, no more of this. 1,800 votes just suddenly found? Come on, what's that about? For my sanity, I need this to be over. I've been a good Catholic. I'm nice to people. I feed the homeless and shelter the hungry. I've never killed a hobo. What else do You want from me? Do I have the wrong religion, because I'll switch. I'll even try that one where you get bitten by snakes; to be honest, I've sorta suspected that was the one true faith. And I'm sorry I asked Your son to hit Reno with a bus; that was out of line, and it won't happen again. All I want is for McBride to have enough of a margin of victory that a recount isn't triggered, okay? You see, I'm one of the good ones; I understand how voting problems are just Your way to cancel out the votes of stupid people. I won't try and prevent it and instead will cherish it as great part of our democracy. So, is it now good between us? (or is that "Us"?)

Rating: 2.4/5 (24 votes cast)

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Benevolent America Talks to Other Countries
Posted by Frank J. at 10:06 AM

Bush, as part of his compassionate conservatism, told our reasons why we wanted a war with Iraq to the U.N. as if any other countries mattered in the decision. Some may think we set a bad precedent which will lead to other countries feeling they can give us their opinions on other things as well, but I think Bush had his heart in the right place. He explained things very carefully to them and talked to them almost like they were adults. Some of the things were probably scary for these other countries to hear, such as how Iraq has continued development of weapons of mass destruction, but I think many of the countries in attendance were mature enough to hear it. A good indication of that was how there were few incidents when milk and cookies were served afterwards. France whined it's cookie didn't have many chocolate chips in it, and then started crying when Germany said something to him, but, other than that, it was a relatively quiet affair. Talk of war, though, left most countries too stimulated for nap time.

Rating: 2.3/5 (21 votes cast)

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September 12, 2002
The Mind of a Terrorist
Posted by Frank J. at 06:18 PM

Richard Reid, the attempted shoe bomber, has revealed that his motivation was seeing Jews with guns in a mosque. This is important to hear, because, to defeat one's enemy, you must understand how his mind works. So here is what we know so far:

Subject: Richard Reid
Status: Radical Muslim
Stimuli: Jews with guns
Initial Emotion: Anger
Final Reaction: "Must... blow-up... shoes!"

Hmm... interesting, but more data is needed. I say we subject him to a Presbyterian with a machete and a Hindu with a taser and watch what article of clothing he tries to explode.

Rating: 2.2/5 (22 votes cast)

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Reno Must Be Stopped!
Posted by Frank J. at 12:20 PM

Oh, no, not again. It looks like McBride won the Democratic primary, but Reno is probably going to ask for a recount. I can't take this. I need to know Reno is done for... now. I don't care if Jeb will have a better chance against Reno; the risk is not worth it. Please, Jesus, I beg of you, end this election now. The surest way, and this is just a suggestion, is to hit Reno with a bus. There are a lot of buses out there, so no one will think it was you who did it if she perchance gets run over by one. I mean, if she got hit by a meteor, people might start thinking, "Hey, that doesn't just happen by accident; I bet Jesus did it. Let's get him!" but, with a bus, you'd get off scott free. I know contract killing is not your usual thing, but this is an extraordinary circumstance. You see, I have a house being finished here in Florida next month, and I can't already start thinking about moving.

Rating: 2.3/5 (22 votes cast)

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September 10, 2002
Entry Number 4 in the IMAO "What Countries Suck" Survey: Portugal
Verdict: Where is Portugal?
Posted by Frank J. at 07:03 PM

Portugal is cautioning Bush on Iraq. Why do they even get to register an opinion? I've heard of Portugal before, but I can't remember if it's in Europe or South America. You could blame my ignorance of geography for that, but I blame Portugal for being so insignificant that's its never in the news for me to know anything about it. I don't get it how all these silly little countries can just come up to the president of the United States and tell us what to do. There are like a thousand countries - most of them not even worth mentioning. Can America really be expected to keep track of them all? What Portugal should do is tell their opinion to either Britain or Brazil (according to whatever continent it's actually on), and, if that country considers it important enough, then they can pass it on. Hierarchies, yo.

Right-Wing Media Bias
Posted by Frank J. at 12:28 PM

It's way too easy to find left-wing bias in the media - hell you can't swing a dead cat in a newsroom without hitting left-wing bias - but I always wondered if I'd be able to spot right-wing bias in a new story. Well, I just read this article on foxnews.com, and tell me if it doesn't sound a bit like an editorial, especially the last couple paragraphs (I'm sorry; I don't know how to do proper quote indenting with blogger):

"But four days ago, Daschle sounded a different tune.

"'What has changed over the course of the last 10 years that brings this country to the belief that it has to act in a pre-emptive fashion?'

"What has changed by most accounts is that after four years of continued weapons development, Saddam is even more dangerous than he was when Daschle was advocating military action.

"What also has changed is the resident of the White House, a Republican president, who maintains very high popularity ratings."

Now, of course, it is correct, but it sure seems to point someone to a conclusion rather than just give the facts. For those interested, my own position is that the Democrats are evil opportunists who will take any position, no matter how harmful to Americans, as long as it leads to taxing the rich. And they think anyone who's an assistant manager at McDonalds and up are rich. What we should do if we really want to help our nation in the war on terror is round up all Democrats, put them in a space ship, and launch it into the sun. I know, you're all probably saying, "Hey, you stupid right-wing barbarian, why would we do something so hare-brained and expensive as that when we could just throw the Democrats into the nearest volcano to incinerate them. Think, you idiot!"

Well, here's what I have to say to you liberal, soft-on-crime ninnies who want to just throw everyone in a volcano: Wake up, people! A punishment as quick and relatively painless as throwing someone into a volcano is not going to change things. These people need a long excruciating flight to the sun during which they can think about how wrong they are for being Democrats. That's the only way to make them learn!

Rating: 2.7/5 (20 votes cast)

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Drop Violent Crime by Dropping Criminals
Posted by Frank J. at 08:11 AM

Violent crime dropped by 9 percent last year, marking the lowest level since the government first started surveying victims. People are saying the decrease is from a strong economy and tougher sentencing, but I bet it's our good ole friend guns. The article mentions that car theft actually rose by 7 percent, which means criminals are switching to victims they know can't shoot them (unless it's the Bond car). This is expected, because all criminals throughout history, from the violent thugs of today to the first caveman who jacked someone else's wheels, dislike being shot by a .45 automatic. It's an extremely unpleasant phenomenon, and its harsh symptoms are well known:

*sharp pain
*blood loss
*loss of bladder control
*sudden weight loss
*heart failure
*heart explosion
*loss of stomach contents through vomiting
*loss of stomach contents through new hole in the abdomen

A .45 automatic does have the good affect of instantly turning a violent criminal into someone quite law abiding, except, perhaps, for their new reckless disregard of loitering laws.

Rating: 2.6/5 (20 votes cast)

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September 09, 2002
So Are N'Sync and Backstreet Boys the Same Thing or Something Different... Someone Please Throw Me a Bone Here
Posted by Frank J. at 06:58 PM

"Lance Bass kicked off space flight" reads the headline, but the story is actually much less interesting than it sounds. It ends up he was kicked off before they launched, not while actually in space. When I first read the headline, I thought they ran into some problem with the air supply, and, if they could increase the supply by exactly the amount of air a Lance Bass would consume, the rest could survive.

"Lance Bass, we all drew straws," the head astronaut told him, faking a somber mood, "And since I drew the longest one, I get to kick you off. You want to do this the hard way or the easy way." He then smiled sinisterly. "Please choose the hard way."

And the Lance Bass was like, "Yo, yo, yo! What the dealio?" (Or he wasn't like that; I honestly don't know what a Lance Bass sounds like. I'm just not "with it.")

"It's just the way things are, Lance Bass," the astronaut answered firmly, carefully hiding his elation, "To have enough air supply, we either have to remove one Lance Bass or five albino mice. That's one Lance Bass versus five rodents; which one is more fair?"

"You guys kick it old school!" was Lance Bass's last words before being ejected out the air lock with an ominous thud.

I didn't get much sleep last night.

Rating: 2.8/5 (23 votes cast)

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Damn You Haloscan!
Posted by Frank J. at 06:38 PM

About half of the entries from the debate that was going on in the comment section of my post "One Messed Up Chick" have disappeared. Plus, one comment I did delete (me just writing "test") has reappeared. Haloscan had been flickering on and off for the last few days, so the most logical explanation is that a previous back-up copy of the posts was put into place, one missing the newer posts but including one older one. The less probable but more interesting explanation (and the one I choose to believe) is that we have angered God by our debate of atheism, and, in a show of His mighty wrath, He has smitten some comments from the face of the earth while resurrecting others. Please, O Lord! I bow before Your glory and beseech thee to leave the rest of our post unsmoten and to leave alone the deleted posts we wish forgotten! I shall burn an animal in sacrifice to appease Thy wrath! I hope You don't mind if it's stolen.

Anyway, though it is the policy of IMAO that we (meaning I) can delete comments for any reason, especially to just be mean, unfair, and to rewrite history in a more flattering light, I assure you I did not delete those comments and will see if there is some way to restore them. To summarize what was deleted, I believe we all ended up in agreement that you can't prove or disprove that undetectable elves control our lives. Also, I think I decided to become an atheist in the end, but I can't quite remember. I hope not, though, because it will be a lot of work. First, I'll have to remove the crosses from my walls, get myself off the church mailing list, and remove the Jesus fish from my car (which, when I put it on there, I thought was the symbol for the band Phish). Also, the pope is stopping by for dinner next weekend, and you just know me being an atheist will put a damper on the evening. He probably then won't let me try on the pope hat, and thus another one of my dreams will go unfulfilled.

UPDATE: All the forementioned comments have reappeared, but all of today's comments have disappeared. And it has started to rain frogs. I made up one of those.

Rating: 2.5/5 (25 votes cast)

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Entry Number 3 in the IMAO "What Countries Suck" Survey: Germany
Verdict: Uber-sucks
Posted by Frank J. at 08:53 AM

The Germans, trying to compensate for their harsh sounding language, are in a race with France to become the biggest wussies in the world in their actions. Schroeder is being super anti-war to try and do better in the polls with his cowardly populace while his opponent Stroiber has had to back off from being too pro-American. The article mentions that Germany is "a country with a deep pacifist streak." Now, I had a public school education, so my knowledge of history is quite sketchy, but somehow I think I remember that Germany wasn't always so pacifist. Yeah, and I think the time they took up arms wasn't for a good cause like we would ask them now, but something that was... what's that word... not good. Nah, I probably don't know what I'm talking about.

September 08, 2002
All Other Countries Don't Completely Suck
Posted by Frank J. at 02:44 PM

It's always concerned me that pretty much no other country than the U.S. is for a war against Iraq. What this says to me - and to any logical person - is that all other countries are a bunch of pathetic, whiny losers. What the hell is wrong with them? I know, you're probably saying, "Frank, don't be concerned with what other countries think; they suck and we don't need them for anything." This is true, but it would improve my faith in humanity if just a few more weren't cowardly naysayers. Luckily, Tony Blair comes along and starts talking so sensibly that you'd think he is an American. From reading The Guardian, I got this idea that the British were a bunch of crumpet eating pansies, but luckily that's far from the truth. Now no one else can say, "The whole world is against invading Iraq." It's the whole world minus Britain, biatch!

Rating: 2.1/5 (22 votes cast)

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September 04, 2002
When Arafat Dies, They Can Give Him a 21 Exile Salute
Posted by Frank J. at 06:01 PM

Israel expelled two relatives of a Palestinian terrorist for being complicit in his actions. They got money and weren't shot or nothing, so it seemed like a sweet deal for them, but still lots of people are angry for some unfathomable reason. Maybe it's the whole inefficiency of the expulsion process; it involved a whole convoy of jeeps just to get two people from the West Bank to Gaza. Now, I'm an engineer, so I'm always looking for the more efficient ways to do things. That's why I propose to Israel to build something I will call the Expel-o-matic; it will be like a giant airgun. The expellee gets to say goodbye to his relatives and then is placed in the loading chamber. Then pressurized air sends the Palestinian in a direct path from the West Bank to Gaza without a whole lot of hoopla. Israel can also show they're compassionate by giving the person a helmet (price of helmet comes out of 1,000 shekel allotment), thus silencing shrill voices in Europe. Also, it could be used as a way of getting rid of Arafat by putting up a sign saying "Free Baby Wipes" that points into the loading the chamber. Hmm, come to think of it, I probably got this whole idea from a Looney Tunes episode. Anyway, as always, if someone is interested, please send me millions of dollars. And you better add in a little more money than you think it will cost, because I do tend to embezzle.

Rating: 2.7/5 (23 votes cast)

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Frank Solution to World Hunger
Posted by Frank J. at 12:22 PM

Colin Powell ended up being heckled at Johannesburg. How dumb are these people? Don't they realize that Powell is the only person who might actually listen to their idiotic opinions instead of just turning the hose on them?

Anyway, I have my own pratical plan for solving world hunger for those who are interested. It involves another problem: endangered species. I'm always hearing how all our polution, hunting, and cutting down forests have caused so many different animals to become endangered - hell, there are so many endangered species now you can't hardly swing a dead cat without hitting one. So why don't we round up all these endangered species and feed them to the hungry; there should be plenty for everyone. Then two problems will be solved: no more hunger and no more endangered species. Everyone will be happy.

Rating: 2.8/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (11)
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September 03, 2002
Reason Number 1457 for Invading Iraq
Posted by Frank J. at 06:38 PM

Experts say that Iraq has tons of chemical weapons. If we had it together though, the headline would read, "Iraq had tons of chemical weapons, as determined from trace elements found on the ash that once was Baghdad." I hate to repeat myself (though it is easier than coming up with new stuff to say), but why haven't we taken out Saddam yet? I mean even we don't find any weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, at least we killed an evil dictator. It's not like instead of finding evidence of bio-weapons we'll find evidence that he secretly ran charities to fight world hunger and give puppies to orphans. "Man, do we fell bad now; we totally misjudged Saddam. Because of our unilateralism, we killed him for nothing more than wanting to help children."

Now Mandela is getting on our case about wanting to attack Iraq. He doesn't want us to go bombing countries on our own since we're the only superpower and need to set an example. What the hell? That's like saying to Superman, "Hey, don't go flying around shooting laser out your eyes; it scares children." What's the point of being a superpower if we don't throw our weight around for the cause of good? I don't know who Mandela is, what's his story, or where Africa is, but, if he is really concerned about the world, he should start some bake sales to get money for more American cruise missiles.

Rating: 3.0/5 (26 votes cast)

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August 30, 2002
Smarter Questions for Dumber Terrorists
Posted by Frank J. at 05:38 PM

Air travelers will no longer be asked, "Has anyone unknown to you asked you to carry an item on this flight?'' and "Have any of the items you are traveling with been out of your immediate control since the time you packed them?" despite the one in 500 quintillion chance that they might trip up a terrorist plot. Instead of getting rid of the questions altogether, maybe they should just try being smarter about them. Like, as the ticket agent weighs the luggage, he could just casually ask, "So, what kind of detonator did you put on your bomb?"

"It's an altitude sensitive... I mean... I don't what you're talking about!"

"Aha! Security, take him away and beat him!"

Rating: 2.2/5 (23 votes cast)

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The Sound of Silencers
Posted by Frank J. at 12:53 PM

One of the first things I learned when I started using firearms was that Dirty Harry, unless he put in ear protection before each gun fight, would have been deaf by the end of the first sequel. Guns are loud; even a .22 handgun fired out doors will pop you ears. Up north of me in Cocoa, Florida, they used space age technology to make a shooting range quieter, but why go to such extremes? We already have something that makes gun's quieter: silencers.

Silencers have such a bad connotation into today's society, so much so that even more states ban them than ban fully automatics. When someone hears silencer, they think "evil assassin" (or, I guess by today's lingo, "evil regime-changer"), but it's just a logical thing to make guns quieter. Is there really a compelling reason that my neighbors have to get woken up every single I time I shoot an intruder? And no one gets angry at car manufacturers for making engines quieter even though I could easily stealthily kill someone with my Hyundai. Plus, if the idea is to keep people from using silencers for evil, then isn't it a good idea not to make those people angry by forcing them to pay a $200 Class III weapons transfer fee? It's just common sense.

Rating: 2.2/5 (34 votes cast)

Comments (78)
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August 29, 2002
Legal Question
Posted by Frank J. at 06:54 PM

Let's say you're a supervillian, and you hatch some plot to block out the sun from the entire world - say by causing a nuclear winter using stolen nukes - is it then impossible to prosecute that supervillian? Blocking out the sun would affect everyone in the world, so everyone would have to excuse themselves from being a juror or a judge since everyone was personally affected by the crime. So have I found a "supervillian loophole" to our legal system that we need to correct?

Rating: 2.3/5 (32 votes cast)

Comments (1)
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August 27, 2002
All Dogs Go to Heaven and Get 70 Virgins
Posted by Frank J. at 07:27 AM

As we know from airport security, terrorists are even distributed among toddlers to eighty-year-old grandmothers and thus you have to be vigilant of them all, but the U.S. Open has expanded the search to dogs as well. Bomb sniffing dogs at the stadium were forced to wear photo ID's even though their officer escort also has to wear one. Apparently, terrorists dogs such as Omar Sparky and Mohammed Fluffy have been trying to sneak into the U.S. Open to "plant a bomb," so to speak. If you see any suspicious dogs in your neighborhood, immediately alert the FBI.

UPDATE: I just received this statement from the National Association of Canine Americans:

"We vehemently condemn all pooping indoors, but humans have to realize that their policies of leaving dogs inside alone for hours and not supplying sufficient chew toys often makes dogs feel they have no choice but to 'leave a surprise.'"
-Fido, President of the National Association of Canine Americans

Rating: 2.4/5 (27 votes cast)

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August 26, 2002
Angry American, Whiny Englishman
Posted by Frank J. at 11:53 AM

John Sutherland in his column in the Guardian today writes about his worries over the popular Toby Keith song that refers to "kicking the ass" of those who attack America, saying that angry Americans are ugly Americans. Oh, the poo' wittle Englishmun, all worried that America in its blinding rage may knock over his table of tea and crumpets! To think, that after being attacked, we are angry at our attackers! Why that's almost like how rational human beings would react! We're unbelievable!

Rating: 2.3/5 (29 votes cast)

Comments (6)
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Of Monkeys and Politics
Posted by Frank J. at 09:40 AM

If someone had a new drug that they thought could cure cancer, should they just start injecting it into people to see if it works? And I’m not talking about people agreeing to be tested on, but forcefully giving the drug to people even if they didn’t want it. Of course everyone would react in horror to something like that, but that’s exactly what politics are like. Someone comes up with some asinine new idea that no one has any clue whether it will work, and then they get it passed into law and inflicted on the masses. So why can’t we do the same thing we would do with the cancer drug and test political and economic theories on monkeys first?

As far as I know (or care to know) the only use of monkeys is to test things on them. Some people may say, “Hey. That’s cruel!” and my response to that is, “I don’t like monkeys.” But, personal feelings aside, they are the most intelligent animal other than man, which is why this idea can work. They also aren’t too far removed from people in the political area: they’re apathetic to current events just like the nation’s youths, they jump around and screech a lot just like liberals, and they don’t bathe very often just like Frenchmen. To get the project started, first a decent size island must be obtained, either purchased or taken by forced – someone else can figure that out – and then we need to get a bunch of monkeys from wherever it is people usually get monkeys – again, not my department. Then you have your island full of subjects to test out political ideas on. Have some monkeys control the monkey economy and then let each of the monkeys make their own decisions with their monkey money and see what works better. Don’t let any of the monkeys have guns, lets only the leader monkeys have guns, and then give all the monkeys guns and see what happens (observations should be done remotely). Of course, if through research we stumble upon the perfect socio-economic model, the monkeys may become too powerful to control and we could be on our way to the planet of the apes. That’s why the island should also be laden with explosives for a last ditch measure.

If you like my idea, send me millions of dollars and I'll get started on it. I'm going to work on the explosives part first.

Rating: 1.9/5 (31 votes cast)

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August 23, 2002
Kitty Kitty Bang Bang
Posted by Frank J. at 10:25 PM

In case you were wondering if you can kill cats with a shotgun and not be convicted under animal cruelty laws in Maryland, the answer is yes.

Note: The official policy of the IMAO website is to oppose animal cruelty. This policy may change at anytime without notice.

Rating: 2.5/5 (34 votes cast)

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Blog TV
Posted by Frank J. at 03:49 PM

Blogging is like the coolest thing on the internet now (at least according to people with blogs), but I missed out coming up with the idea. So, instead, I will just apply the idea to new mediums. First I'm going to try and figure how to fit blogging into television broadcast. Maybe it would be a channel with Glenn Reynolds sitting in front of the camera all day and occasionally saying something. Or maybe instead it would be a tv show that keeps telling you to watch other tv shows. Well whatever it is, when I finish the idea I need someone to send me millions of dollars.

Rating: 2.2/5 (30 votes cast)

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August 22, 2002
There Are Still Some Standards
Posted by Frank J. at 08:20 PM

In case one day you suddenly wondered if you can orchestrate a sex act in St. Patrick's Cathedral, broadcast the results, and then still keep your jobs as a radio show host, the answer is no.

The slippery slope back towards Puritanism has begun.

Rating: 2.1/5 (27 votes cast)

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Canadians Must Be For Slavery
Posted by Frank J. at 08:01 PM

Canadian gun registration laws are going to ruin a civil war reenactment that's to take place near Toronto. Canada (our local Europe) would have forced the visiting Americans to pay a fee and register their muskets. Of course, the Americans were like, "Funk that!" and have decided not to attend rather than pay for their God-given right. In reality, though, hundreds of Americans with muskets could easily reenact whatever they want wherever they want in Canada.

Rating: 2.3/5 (27 votes cast)

Comments (1)
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There Wouldn't be Forest Fires If We Didn't Have Forests
Posted by Frank J. at 12:11 PM

Bush wants to ease logging restrictions to stop wildfires. Just a couple days ago I was talking about the dangers of trees and I forgot all about their tendency to burn and kill people. Trees are the only living creature other than man that uses fire, and they always use it for evil. Why do I seem to be the only person noticing this and condemning trees? Sure, they're nice when they're tamed by by being turned into coffee tables and rifle butts, but, in the wild, them things are dangerous.

Rating: 1.8/5 (28 votes cast)

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August 21, 2002
Think Positive Things About NASA
Posted by Frank J. at 05:59 PM

NASA has come out and assured everyone they can't read minds. Why is it now, for the first time, I'm worried about NASA reading my mind. This reminds how I was never worried about layoffs at work until the boss started a meeting by saying, "I just want to assure you that no one is thinking of layoffs."

Rating: 2.2/5 (31 votes cast)

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August 20, 2002
Plant Dependency
Posted by Frank J. at 08:44 PM

Juan Non-Volokh points out how there is no empirical evidence that biodiversity is a matter of survival. I personally find our dependency on other lifeforms quite pathetic. We're the human race, the greatest species in the universe, so why should we need bunch of other plants or animals around to survive; they should live and die by our whimsy. We should make technology that can take the place of plants in the food chain, machines that can produce food and oxygen from sunlight, water, and nutrients much more efficentiely than some stupid tree. And unlike the tree, it won't block the sky or be a hazard to you if you run off the road.

Now don't take me out of context and say I'm for eliminating all trees. I just think they can be relegated to some zoo or something so they can stay out of our way.

Rating: 2.1/5 (28 votes cast)

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You Can't Spell "Insanely Stupid" Without U.N.
Posted by Frank J. at 07:08 PM

The U.N. has yet again reinforced their credibility by electing Libyan leader Colonel Gadaffi as chair of the United Nations Commission on Human Rights. From the looks of the picture, he wore his wife's Sunday best for the occasion.

In other news, the fox has been elected to chair the United Nations Commission on Henhouse Protection and I have been elected to chair the United Nations Commission on Not Beating Hippies.

Rating: 2.3/5 (28 votes cast)

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August 19, 2002
Why Don't They Just Wear "We're Evil!" Signs
Posted by Frank J. at 12:00 AM

Just in case anyone wasn't completely sure al Qaeda is evil, CNN now has videos of them killing puppies. The left-wing seems able to oppose military action against terrorists when men, women, and children are the target, but can they stand still while puppies die? Maybe now the lefties can see the difference between good guys and bad guys when they realize that puppies are cute, cuddly, have soft fur, and enjoy squeaky toys, while terrorists are ugly, violent, have much more wiry hair, and are neutral on the squeaky toy issue. IQ wise, though, they're quite similar.

Rating: 2.0/5 (24 votes cast)

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August 16, 2002
Israel - The Anti-Europe
Posted by Frank J. at 06:06 PM

While Europe is constantly whining about us wanting to attack Iraq and accusing us of being unilogitudinal or something or other, Israel is pushing us to attack Iraq, and they are the ones who could actually be harmed by stirring up that hornets nest. Israel seems to almost be out Americaning Americans; when you're under constant threat, you can't afford to be a whiney little weenie like Europe. Only after many harsh battles are fought to ensure peace can the luxury of being a weenie be secured.

Rating: 2.2/5 (27 votes cast)

Comments (2)
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August 14, 2002
So is it a Combination of "Hedge" and "Money"?
Posted by Frank J. at 05:59 PM

There is a good column on foxnews.com today about the growing threat of China, but what took my interest was yet another reference to China's leaders calling us a hegemon. Even though hegemon sounds something like pokemon, I looked it up and it actually is an English word. It's just that I never heard anyone other than the Chinese use it. What in the world is it with China's obsession with the word hegemony? It's always hegemony this and hegemon that from them. When did this happen? Did one day a communist leader encounter it on his word-a-day calendar and used it all the time because he thought it made him sound smart? Everyone there seems to accuse us of hegemony; it's like if you live in China and know three words of English, one of them is hegemon. But, here in America, if someone knows a hundred thousand words of English, one of them most likely ain't hegemon. I still don't know what it means.

It would be kind of neat, though, if the Jamaicans accused us of hegemony. "Hey, you Americans, stop being such a hege, mon. Drink Red Stripe!"

Rating: 2.4/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (3)
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July 14, 2002
Get Frenchie
Posted by Frank J. at 06:29 PM

An emotionally disturbed neo-nazi tried to assassinate the French president. Due to the assailants poor mental health, France is not sure whether they'll be able to surrender to him.

Rating: 2.6/5 (36 votes cast)

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July 09, 2002
Peace or Pothole
Posted by Frank J. at 08:22 PM

First off, I don't like the way the current administration is pussyfooting in the Middle East. If Reagan were still around, right now there would either be peace in the Middle East or it would be one giant smoldering pothole. And then it would be done with. Instead we play buddy-buddy with a bunch of dictators who, in a true and just world, should be hanging from trees. At least, it seems, Bush has completely cut off all ties with Arafat. I think we could have cut off ties with him a lot more forcefully, though. Instead of Bush coming out and saying, "You should elect someone other than Arafat because we don't like him," just so the Palestinians could defy us, we should first have had a sniper take him out and then say, "I think you should elect someone other than Arafat because he's dead now." Then the Palestinians would have to concede to our simple logic or elect a dead man. They'd probably elect a dead man, but sometimes people surprise you.

Rating: 2.4/5 (36 votes cast)

Comments (1)
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