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November 21, 2006
Doesn't Anyone Spellcheck Anymore?
Posted by Harvey at 03:59 PM
Cindy Sheehan and her little friend Medea Benjamin of Code Pink are out protesting in Korea, but neglected to proofread their sign:
[pic via alert from GOP and the City]
Near as I can tell, it's not a photoshop job. However, that just means that it ought to BE one.
I took the liberty of removing the words and leaving a blank sign. I also rotated the picture some so that you can easily add your own text without having to rotate it and make it all distorted.
Have fun with this. If you make your own sign, leave a link to your post in the comments.
Or - if you're photoshopically deficient - just leave what you think the sign should say.
"Stupid and oblivious"
"Desperate for attention"
or my personal favorite:
(see also GOP & The City's Photoshop Contest)
October 12, 2006
A Ducky Editorial: In Praise of Madonna
Posted by RightWingDuck at 11:03 AM
This may sound strange to state, but I have to agree with Madonna and her recent decision to adopt a young, dark child. It's not that I don't like Madonna. Afterall, I do appreciate her sacrifice on the cross. A sacrifice she makes at her concerts several times a week, twice on Saturdays. It's just that she's always so darn preachy.
Well, now I'm on board with the program. That's why I say we should all follow Madonna's example of lovingness. Yes, we should all travel to foreign countries, find poor families, and take away their children.
This young boy did not have a mother but he did have a father. I'm not sure how this qualifies as being an orphan, but who am I to judge the ways of these weird third world countries.
But sweeping a young man away from his father and taking him to live with a rich, white singer is the right thing to do in most cases (the exception being the Britney Rule.) If this catches on, maybe one day we can bring this program to America. I can just envision rich white couples cruising the streets of Harlem saying, " Ooooh. I want that one."
Anyway, I commend Madonna and her actions. So if you know somebody who is poor and struggling, maybe you too can come and take away their kids. It's really for the best. Poor people tend to grow up without money, and that's bad for the economy. Not only that, but they also tend to vote Democrat. This leads to a vicious cycle of being poor and stupid, poor and stupid. Many stay in that horrible cycle for decades. Some break out by discovering acting.
Remember: You too can make a difference.
Disclaimer: RightWingDuck is not up for adoption but does accept donations. Neither RWD nor IMAO endorse the snatching of kids and recommend that all kid snatching be done through appropriate channels such as adoption agencies and Mark Foley's office.
August 23, 2006
Terrorist Awareness Quiz
Posted by Harvey at 09:35 AM
I think it's wonderful that citizens are aware of the terrorist threat, but recently there have been several false alarms turned in by folks who obviously aren't qualified to spot terrorists. For example:
Cargo containerfull of explosives in Seattle! ... just dirty rags.
1000 cell phones bought by Arabs for explosive triggers!... just buying them cheap to re-sell later.
Crazed jihadi hijacks plane with napalm!... just a claustrophobic grandmother with a jar of vaseline.
Are YOU qualified to spot terrorist threats? Take this short quiz and find out:
1. 12 men are huddled together whispering to each other. They are.
2. Someone sits at a workbench, alternately mumbling curses and prayers to himself as he sticks wires into high explosives. This is:
3. An angry, bearded man shakes his fists and ululates at the sky. He is:
4. A stray dog wanders up to you as you sit at an outdoor cafe. You should:
5. You see a piece of unattended luggage at the airport. It's probably:
6. Middle-Eastern men are taking surreptitious camera-phone pictures near a national landmark. They are:
7. You open a package and notice a white, powdery substance. This is a case of:
Score as follows:
a - 1 point
1-6 points: Either you suck at math or you skipped a question.
7-11 points: You're far too twitchy to be trusted with our national security. Lock yourself in a closet with a Louisville Slugger, ya big scaredy-cat!
12-16 points: Your finely-honed sense of danger is balanced with a generous dollop of common sense. America needs more people like you. An Army recruiter will be contacting you shortly.
17-21 points: Fictional characters? Dog-eating? Hiding bodies? You're a criminally insane psychotic freak. A danger to yourself and others. A Marine recruiter will be contacting you shortly.
22 or more points: CHEATER!
So... how did you do?
NOTE: Please be aware that scoring 22 or more points may cause you to be contacted by the DNC's "Get Out the Vote" committee.
July 31, 2006
July 26, 2006
Profit & Loss... Mostly Loss
Posted by Harvey at 09:35 AM
In a cost saving move, the New York Times will soon be printed on smaller sheets of newspaper, and will cut over 1000 jobs.
Apparently blabbing the details of secret anti-terrorism programs isn't the money-maker they thought it would be.
And this is only the beginning of the exciting changes at the Gray Harlot. A number of other cost-saving and revenue-enhancing moves are in the works:
* Switching to discount brand "Gee, Your Whiz Smells Terrific!" urinal cakes.
* Eliminating wasteful i-dotting and t-crossing.
* Dumping over-paid reporters and getting news from know-it-all cab drivers.
* Instituting firm "no seconds" policy when hosting DNC fundraising dinners.
* Siphoning ink from New York Post printing presses.
* Hiring street-corner squeegee bums to clean the Times Building's windows, and cutting their harness ropes just as they finish the top floor.
* Switching reporters to a flat salary instead of the current pay-per-lie arrangement.
* Refinancing mortgage on the Times Building and paying off those high-interest Mob loans.
* Switching from regular printer's ink to much darker Hudson River water.
* Explaining to their paperboys that, for a mere $20 a week, they'll "make sure nuthin' bad happens to that nice little bike you're ridin'... which would be a shame".
* Using regular newsprint instead of that fancy, quilted kind.
* Stopping unrealistic "news stories unchallenged by bloggers for 30 minutes, or it's free!" ad campaign.
* Firing their fact-checkers. They just sit on the computer playing solitaire all day, anyhow.
* Cease using William Hung songs as subscription order line hold music.
* Waiting until Democratic candidate bribe checks actually clear the bank before giving endorsements.
* Replacing boring news stories with hilarious "Fun Facts About the 50 States" pieces.
* Which would also increase the paper's overall accuracy quotient.
* Saving on expensive photographer's fees by replacing pictures of President Bush with royalty-free chimpanzee clip-art.
* Replacing ink-wasting word "insurgents" with shorter "dudes".
* Three words - Arthur Andersen Accounting.
With these changes in place, the paper should be back on its feet, in the gutters, and raking muck in no time.
July 25, 2006
Mirakle Koor Demands Federal Funding!!!
Posted by RightWingDuck at 06:05 PM
Behold the cure for what ails you. Dr. Ducks Miracle Water. But you can’t have it. Know why? Stupid government bureaucrats with secret agendas are keeping this amazing elixir from you by denying the federal funds needed to develop this further.
What can Dr. Duck’s Miracle Water do for humanity?
Here are all the things it COULD do. Let’s hear from those who are suffering. And if you don’t feel for these people and want to help them then you have no heart and deserve to repeatedly vote Republican!!
Hollywood Child Actor: Do you know me? I used to be a cute and adorable child actor. People would melt at my smile. That is before massive drug abuse led to my teeth falling out. There may or may not be evidence that Dr. Duck’s Miracle Water can heal those who are suffering from drug addiction. Drug addiction is a serious illness that requires medical attention for everyone except conservative talk show hosts – who should be put in jail forever. Anyway, if you support funding for Dr. Duck’s Miracle Water, then one day, we can cure the scourge of drug abuse and agents will start returning my calls.
Congresswoman Cynthia McKinney. Looking at Camera. What do you mean tell them who I am? They know who I am? Why do I have to say my name? What are they – racist? (Punches the camera man.)
Cameraman: If you support Dr. Duck’s Miracle Water, then one day we can cure this horrible affliction we call racism.
These are all the things that Dr. Duck’s Miracle Water might be able to do. So please won’t you write your congressman and ask that the Bush Administration provide gargantuan gobs of money for the Dr. Duck corporation???
Dr. Ducks FAQ
Why do you need my tax dollars for this? If this were any good, wouldn’t the private investors be lining up?
Originally, we had private investors who put up some money. They gave us money by cash, check, and PayPal. But they always want an accounting of funds to ensure that money wasn’t being squandered on foreign vacations or fancy sports cars. This showed a lack of trust and good will.
Did they ever have a financial audit?
I don’t know. I was in Hawaii.
What if we provide massive funding but no cure is reached? Then can we abandon this project and spend it on something useful like invading France?
Goodness non. How could we just give up on those poor people who need a cure just because there is no hope of getting anywhere? At that point, we would have invested billions and it only makes sense to not let that investment go to waste. The best cure would be to re-double the money – I mean – effort.
I really want to end suffering for all of these poor people. What can I do?
Call your congressman right now and demand federal funding for Dr. Duck’s Miracle Water. It is only through your efforts that we can get the money needed to make massive amounts of profits. In the meantime, we accept cash, checks, and PayPal.
Please, only you can make a difference.
July 18, 2006
President Bush's Top 10 Off-Mic Comments
Posted by Harvey at 11:19 AM
Like a schoolyard snitch breathlessly squealing to a teacher, CNN reported with wide, excited eyes that President Bush used "the S word" when he mistakenly thought he had a little privacy.
Oddly, he wasn't using it to describe the quality of CNN's reporting.
Meanwhile, here are the top 10 other things that President Bush has said when he thought the microphone was off:
10) "I think I may need a bathroom break. Is this possible?"
9) "Why yes, the presidential limo DOES have a hemi."
8) "Sure, I've nailed my share of interns, but at least they weren't rolling-roundies like that Stay-Puft Marshmallow Girl of Clinton's."
7) "Seriously, I've been ringside. There's nothing fake about WWE".
6) "Hey Tony, can you move your f***in' Dumbo ears out of the way so that I can get by?"
5) "'Nuc-u-lar' is TOO a word. It's in the dictionary right before 'potatoe'."
4) "My fellow Americans, I'm pleased to tell you today that I've signed legislation that will outlaw Iran forever. We begin bombing in five minutes.... OOPS! Forgot about the time difference... we began bombing five hours ago."
3) "Well, from what I understand, it's actually a soquid that you eat with a fpoon."
2) "So Laura... how 'bout we blow this joint & go home for a little game of 'heiress and the pool boy'?"
And the #1 thing that President Bush has said when he thought the microphone was off:
1) "Neither. I wear thongs."
June 30, 2006
Posted by Frank J. at 02:58 PM
Some people accuse me of being "closed-minded" just because I hit anyone I disagree with in the head with a pipe, and that makes me so angry I want to hit those people in the head with a pipe.
So how's your day going?
June 29, 2006
Know Thy Enemy: Floods
Posted by Frank J. at 11:31 AM
Apparently lots of places in America where I don't live are getting flooded. Thus, I had my crack research team find out all they can about floods to help you wet citizens out there.
FUN FACTS ABOUT FLOODS
* A flood is when there's a lot of water where you don't want it to be. That distinguishes it from a lake... unless you really hate the lake.
* God invented the flood when He got all mad at people. It’s just like when I invented the earthquake when I got mad at an ant farm.
* Floods can be cause by lots of rain, a dam breaking, or when two hydrogen bombs collide with an oxygen bomb.
* Some scientists and one crazy ex-VP say that global warming could melt the polar ice caps causing huge floods throughout the world. That's stupid. How would the water from the poles get all the way over here?
* Lax border laws can lead to a flood of immigrants, but this doesn't cause as much water damage. It does cause more Mexican damage, though.
* Most homeowners insurance doesn't cover flood damage since that's actually likely to happen (unlike what insurance usually covers: fire, earthquakes, and Godzilla).
* Your insurance might cover Mexican damage, though.
* If it starts to flood, the safest place to be is in your car. Come on; it's not like some splishy-splash water can actually move a big metal car!
* If you think you see a flood, call the police. They'll come and kill it with their shotguns. Pow! Pow!
* A flash flood is a sudden flood that comes at you really fast. How fast? At the speed of water, that's how fast!
* Many people say to get to high ground if it’s flooding, but that just makes it easier for the flood to spot you and plot your doom.
* If you see water collecting in once place, it soon could become a flood. Attack the water with its greatest weakness: silver bullets.
* Water will also shrivel up and die in contact with sunlight. If it's a lot of water, though, it could take a while.
* The number one cause of floods: Karl Rove.
* A flood, much like the Madagascar Brush Warbler, has no stated views on nuclear proliferation.
* In a fight between Aquaman and a flood, Aquaman would swim around in the flood waters. So Aquaman probably wouldn't be killed by a flood; I guess we should start him a fan club now.
* Scientists say that, if you're making a movie about a flood, make sure to have Morgan Freeman in it so it's not completely worthless.
Posted by Frank J. at 09:50 AM
The city of Berkely is going to let voters decide whether to call for the impeachment of President Bush. What will it achieve?
Probably about as much as the "We're not a bunch of nutty losers so stop calling us that!" measure they passed last year.
What a bunch of nutty losers.
June 27, 2006
IMAO EXCLUSIVE: Statement from the New Head of the New York Times on the Spy Programs Controversy
Posted by Frank J. at 10:41 AM
With the New York Times publishing about yet another programming in current use to spy on terrorists - thus ruining the program - there has been much debate about press responsibility. The New York Times seemed to dismiss any questions about its integrity and how its reporting might help terrorists while doing little to inform the public. To get their full stance, I, Frank J., was able to get this exclusive statement from the new head of the NYT...
Here is what he had to say:
Foolish mortals, how dare you question the press or Zod? The powers we have are beyond your comprehension. Check the Constitution of your own pathetic nation; we, the press, have been granted unlimited power. You should feel honored that we let you read from the great trove of wisdom that is the New York Times even though your limited, non-journalist brains could hardly understand even a thousandth of our writing.
There you have it; the official statement for the NYT. I thought it came off as a little arrogant, but not as bad as anything Bill Keller has written.
Kos... With a Tail!
Posted by Frank J. at 08:49 AM
I was thinking: Wouldn't it be funny if Kos had a tail? Same old crazy Kos, but now with a tail. And I bet I know what would happen: he's spend all his time blogging about how his tail was part of the neocon conspiracy to reelect Joe Lieberman and how his tail was evil and always trying to fight against true progressive ideals.
Heh, that crazy Kos; always ranting against his tail.
June 26, 2006
Why Does the New York Times Want Us Dead?
Posted by Frank J. at 03:32 PM
Due to their decreased circulation, the New York Times is apparently now just focusing on helping terrorists and exposing any spying operation we have against those who wish to kill us. But why? Did the NYT take out insurance policies on all of us? How do we check that?
This is a good opportunity for President Bush to show leadership in the War on Terror and increase his poll numbers. He should say how he vehemently disagrees with the NYT's decision to publish details on spying operations done against terrorists. Then he should bomb the NYT headquarters and kill its leaders. The rest of the NYT staff should be hunted down just like Al Qaeda and sent to Gitmo. People will then say, "Wow; Bush really is serious about protecting us. Look how he killed and captured so many people involved with the New York Times."
At Gitmo, after weeks of intense interrogation, it can then be revealed that Paul Krugman knows absolutely nothing. The same thing can be then determined about Maureen Dowd with a just brief glance at her.
June 21, 2006
In My World: Crazy Old Redeployment
Posted by Frank J. at 12:59 PM
"Here is our current military problem," Rumsfeld told President Bush as he put a slide on screen. It was a picture of smiling faces of many different races and cultures. "Foreigners! And the solution is: Kill all foreigners."
"I'm afraid you're stuck in a rut, Rummy," Bush said. "So I'm bringing in some fresh ideas."
"Rarr!" Rumsfeld yelled. "How dare you!"
"Calm down. I just want everyone to be on board in fighting the terrorists, so I thought I'd bring in a Democrat to help with planning as co-Secretary of Defense. It was easy to pick, since there is only one Democrat actually laying out a plan."
There was a pounding on the door to the conference room. "The door won't open!" a voice shouted.
"Did you try the handle?" Bush suggested.
"Sheesh." Bush walked over and opened the door. In walked Murtha clad in pajamas and slippers.
"Where am I?"
"You're in a conference room at the White House to help with military strategery," Bush explained slowly.
"Can I just go ahead and strangle him now?" Rumsfeld asked.
"No. Let's first hear what he has to say."
Murtha walked over to a map of the world on the wall. "We need to get out of Iraq! It's dangerous. We need to get our troops elsewhere."
"But where?" Bush asked.
Murtha looked over the map. "Well... uh... I don't see it on here on the map... but we should redeploy to the moon!"
"Can I strangle him now?"
"No, Rummy!" Bush shouted.
"The moon is perfect," Murtha continued. "We can just as easily fight terrorism from there. It's up high, so we can see everything. When we need to strike somewhere, we can just jump and we'll fall right towards it."
"Brilliant!" Bush exclaimed. He then thought for a moment and his enthusiasm faded. "Hey, but what if someone nukes the moon?"
"We'll cover the moon with a Plexiglas shield," Murtha said. "Plexiglas is strong."
Rumsfeld sat down. "Just tell me when it's okay for me to strangle him."
"The only problem with the moon," Murtha explained, "is that it may contain a race of angry mole-people."
Bush shivered. "Oh no! Not mole-people!"
"If that's true, then we'll have to redeploy elsewhere."
Murtha looked over the map and then pointed to one area. "What's this place called?"
"The Pacific Ocean," Rumsfeld answered as he tensed his hands for a strangling.
"Are we going under the sea?" Bush asked.
"No, there are giant squids down there," Murtha said. "We'll make a base that floats. Now, what floats?"
"Dead bodies," Rumsfeld answered.
"Very small rocks?" Bush said.
"Styrofoam peanuts," Murtha stated. "I have a lot at my house and we can make a base out of them. Now I just need to sit down for a second." Murtha took a seat and immediately fell asleep.
Rumsfeld stood up. "I guess it's time to strangle him."
"You can't strangle him while he's sleeping; he's a veteran."
Rumsfeld thought for a moment. "How about I just throw him in the Potomac?"
Slogans for the Kwazy Kos Kids
Posted by Frank J. at 08:41 AM
DarkSyde at the DailyKos is trying to find a short, unifying slogan for the Kwazy Kos Kids. He has his suggestions, but here are mine:
* I'm Running Out of Tin-Foil!
Come on! Help out the Kos Kids in their slogan search in the comments.
June 20, 2006
More Military Advice from Murtha
Posted by Frank J. at 02:55 PM
Everyone has heard from Murtha's interview on Meet the Press about how our failure in Somalia is a model to follow and that operation in the Middle East can be conducted from Okinawa, but did you hear the other military advice he had?
MORE MILITARY ADVICE FROM REPRESENTATIVE JOHN MURTHA
* "Chimpanzees can be trained to use a rifle just as easily as a man. The smart thing to do is to send armed chimps into urban combat zones."
* "Decision shouldn't be made by people in air conditioned rooms sitting on their large behinds, because AC destroys brain cells. I once got my head stuck in an AC unit, and I haven't been the same since."
* "President Coolidge's failure against the Ewoks demonstrated that it is too difficult to take on an entrenched enemy, even if we have a weapon capable of destroying planets."
* "Zarqawi could have been captured just as easily by conducting operations outside of Iraq... or maybe even underwater if our foreign policy hasn't ruined our relations with Aquaman."
* "Combat should be done by our robots. And don't tell me we don't have robots, because I just saw one this morning and it stole and ate my pills for fuel."
* "It's foolish to think that running from Iraq means we're abandoning it. Wherever we run to, we'll eventually have to run from there, too... and then we'll run from there. Eventually, we'll run right back to Iraq when it's less scary than whatever is outside it."
* "We also need to get our troops out of Wisconsin. I was there recently, and I saw some teenagers that scared me. Something is going to erupt there soon, and we don't want to be caught in the middle of it."
The Democrats and Their "Culture of Crazy"
As anyone who pays attention knows, the Democrats are embroiled in a "Culture of Crazy." With Democrats assaulting police officers, saying we can conduct Middle East affairs out of Okinawa, hiding money in their freezers, and sucking up to the biggest loons on the internet, it is obvious they are waist deep in craziness. Is there any doubt in anyone's mind that Howard Dean would bite you if you looked at him wrong? Of course not.
Can the Democrats get out of this mire of insanity? I'm doubtful. As we speak, Kos is either plotting against Democrats he thinks are not faithful to his lunacy or eating his own excrement. After that, the Democrat leadership will then try to court him for his approval. Why? Because the Democrats are so far into crazy they don't know the way out. I hear they are thinking of moving their headquarters to Okinawa to more quickly respond to issues in the U.S.
Remember: Urge everyone to not vote Democrat; it's the only way to stop their Culture of Crazy. Losing will probably make them crazier, though, so make sure to keep an eye on any Democrats you see and to keep your children away from them. There's no telling what a Democrat may say or do if left unchecked, but it's quite certain it will be crazy!
June 19, 2006
More Popular than Hitler
Posted by Frank J. at 08:46 AM
In some polls, Bush is back into the forties in his approval rating. So who here started liking him again and why? I started liking him again because he sent me a fruit basket. It was delivered by an illegal alien, but, still, it was a fruit basket and that was very thoughtful of him.
June 15, 2006
Posted by Frank J. at 02:34 PM
The Supreme Court ruled 5-4 that police do not have to knock before entering your home if they have a warrant. What else did they rule police don't have to do?
Say "Excuse me" after shooting a perp.
June 14, 2006
Alarm! Armageddon! Factoids!
Posted by Harvey at 03:31 PM
Recently Greenpeace wanted to say something nasty on the occasion of President Bush's visit to Pennsylvania promoting his nuclear energy policy.
Unfortunately, they sent out an early draft of the press release instead of the final document, and it contained the following:
"In the twenty years since the Chernobyl tragedy, the world's worst nuclear accident, there have been nearly [FILL IN ALARMIST AND ARMAGEDDONIST FACTOID HERE]"
Being a so-called "writer" myself, I just hate to see writer's block cramping someone's style, even if it IS a bunch of ecoterrorists so lame that they once got beat up by the French.
So here are some ALARMIST AND ARMAGEDDONIST FACTOIDS that Weeniepeace can use for their next press release:
... nearly three million square miles of rainforest decimated by President Bush. And that's just on his ranch:
... nearly a a 35% increase in carbon monoxide emissions, mostly from Al Gore flying around the country shrieking about the dangers of global... something. It's hard to make out the words when he shrieks like that.
... nearly 15 million cases of leprosy in Iraq. Either leprosy or some other horrible disease that turns fingers purple. Probably due to depleted uranium dust. Or freedom. Both of which are known killers. You don't see North Koreans with purple fingers, do ya? I think I've proven my point.
... nearly 24 instances where Aquaman failed to save the world. Because he was weakened by toxic water pollution. If President Bush would keep dirty Mexicans out of the Rio Grande, this wouldn't happen.
... nearly 6 years of Karl Rove not being indicted. That's just CRAZY! It's like letting a rabid pitbull run loose around your neighborhood. A very Machiavellian rabid pitbull.
... nearly 3000 hurricanes - each with the force of hundreds of billions of tons of TNT - which have slammed into the coastal United States - killing millions of innocent minorities, women, children, and fuzzy kittens - while putting trillions of dollars into the pockets of Bush's oil buddies at Halliburton somehow.
... nearly a 10,000% increase in the number of prisoners being held at Guantanamo Bay since 2003. If current trends continue, even the prison guards will be imprisoned by 2012.
... nearly 50 people in Florida eaten by alligators because new nuclear power plants are being built, disrupting the delicate ecosystem of the alligator's natural prey - poodles.
... nearly 1 more dead Zarqawi, which has devastated the market for New Balance sneakers among the terrorist demographic.
... nearly a 300% increase in attacks by Ann Coulter, leaving thousands of innocent liberals dead or miffed.
By the way, if anyone can make out what Al Gore is shrieking, let me know.
In My World: Supporting Democracy
Posted by Frank J. at 12:15 PM
"Prime Minister Nuri al-Maliki!"
Nuri jumped from his desk. "What? Who is it?" He saw the smiling face of President Bush. "What are you doing here in Baghdad?"
"I came to support your burgeoning democracy!"
"Oh. Well, I guess you can..."
Bush picked up a knife. "What's this?"
"That's my letter opener! Be care..."
Bush swung it around and cut a hole in the wall. "Whoops. I'll put it down."
Bush picked up something else. "What's this?"
"That's an expensive vase! Be very..."
The vase fell and shattered on the floor. "Uh-oh; I done broke it."
Nuri tried to keep his fists from clenching. "That's okay. Just don't..."
"That's my 'World's Best Prime Minister Mug.' Hand it over!" Nuri reach to grab it, but Bush accidentally tilted it over, pouring scalding hot coffee onto Nuri's groin. "Aieee! You idiot! Stop touching things!"
Bush hung is head. "I just came to support your democracy and you yelled at me."
"I'm sorry. Why don't you go sit over by the window and quietly support democracy while I get a towel."
"Okay." Bush sat down. He looked out the window. "Oh no! I see someone... and I think he's an Arab. He might even be a Muslim! He could be here to attack us!" He paused for a moment as he watched. "There's a whole army of them out on the Baghdad streets!"
"Idiot!" Nuri shouted, "Most of the population is..." Nuri paused and thought for a moment. "Hey, they might be suicide bombers. You better go stand out front of the building and check on them."
"I'll check on them good!" Bush ran out of the office.
Nuri found a towel in a cabinet. "Idiot. Ah, but I dream of the day our democracy will be so strong that we can elect someone as dumb as him."
* * * *
As Bush got out onto the street, he spotted a Marine. "Is that you, Buck?"
"Yes, Mr. President sir. It is I, Buck - Buck the Marine, that is. I have some time off, so I thought I'd spend it in Baghdad where I get shot at less than my usual locations."
"Well, I'm looking for Muslim terrorists, so you can help me."
"Yes, sir. I must warn you, though, the commanders have gotten really pissy about us killing civilians, so we have to be careful."
"I'll be careful." Bush watched the crowd of people in front of them. "We need to check out these people to see if they are terrorists. A lot of there people look Arab... but I sometime get them confused with Latinos. If they're Latino, don't question them too much because I don't want to hurt the Latino vote by exposing illegal aliens. But, whatever you do, don't call it 'amnesty.'"
Buck furrowed his brow. "Uh... I don't think there are many Latinos here... outside of U.S. forces, that is."
"Don't ask don't tell." Bush spotted one man walking by. "Grab him!"
Buck grabbed the Iraqi and put him in a headlock.
"Who are you?" Bush demanded.
"I am but a simple apple vendor."
"Buck! Check him for bombs to see if he's a terrorist. If he is, beat him up!"
Buck patted down the Iraqi. "He's clean."
"Then check his voter registration card to see if he's a Democrat. If he is, beat him up!"
Buck let the man go. "I don't think there are Democrats in Iraq."
"Really? Then we're making more progress than I thought." Bush's cell phone rang, and he pulled it out of his pocket. "You're speaking to the most powerful man in the world... Hey, Snowman... Good economic news? Oh no! Make sure the press doesn't find out about it... Because they always spin it to make it sound bad, stupid. By the way, did you hear how I'm in Baghdad? ...Really? It made the papers? I can't believe I made the newspapers again. Make sure to cut out any article in any paper that mentions me so I can see... I don't care if it takes all day. Do it!" Bush hung up and looked to Buck. "That was Tony Snow. His job is to make sure the press knows I'm smart and in charge. He was on FOX News."
"I like FOX News."
A man ran up to Bush and Buck. He pulled open his coat revealing a bomb strapped to him. In his right hand he held a detonator. "When I heard you were here, I rushed over to kill you! I will be the greatest martyr ever!"
"Oh no! A human bomb!" Bush shouted. "I don't know how to defuse those."
"I do." Buck pulled out a .45 and shot the terrorist in the head. The terrorist fell dead to the dusty street.
"Yay!" Bush exclaimed. "We defeated terrorism thanks to my leadership!"
Some American press rushed to the scene. "Due to Bush's low approval rating, people are now trying to blow him up." The reporter looked to Bush. "I notice your lack body armor. Is this because you aren't properly funding our civilian-murdering troops?"
"The armor was bulky and I didn't want to wear it. You can't tell me what to wear!" Bush punched the reporter, knocking him to ground and started kicking him. "I only wear what I want, so you shut up!" After a minute, he stopped and turned to Buck. "I can only kick a reporter for so long before I get bored. Want to go find Zarqawi's body and wander the streets with him pretending he's alive like on Weekend at Bernie's?"
Buck shrugged his shoulders. "I'm on leave; why not."
June 13, 2006
Rove Is Unindicted and Out for Our Blood!
Posted by Frank J. at 11:23 AM
You may think, "How does Karl Rove not being indicted affect me?"
FOOL! IT AFFECTS YOU GREATLY!
IMPORTANT FACTS ABOUT KARL ROVE NOT BEING INDICTED:
* No indictments for Rove means MORE INDICTMENTS LEFT TO USE AGAINST YOU!
* If tinfoil-hat moonbats are right (and when aren't they), Rove probably avoided indictment by TESTIFYING AGAINST DICK CHENEY. How will Cheney react? THINK SHOTGUN AND FACES! Why do you think Bush suddenly FLED TO THE SAFETY OF BAGHDAD?
* This is all just evidence that this whole thing was but a plot by Rove to distract us. Have you ever seen Patrick Fitzgerald and Karl Rove in the same room together? No, you have not! That's because PATRICK FITZGERALD IS KARL ROVE IN DISGUISE!
* And what was Rove trying to distract us from? Could it be a plot to steal our blood? In fact, IT COULD BE NOTHING ELSE!
* If Rove got away with this, what's to stop him from outing all of our wives as secret agents? NOTHING!
* And what about Joe Wilson? Look at the pictures of Zarqawi carefully; doesn't he look fake? KARL ROVE DRESSED UP JOE WILSON AS ZARQAWI AND HAD THE AIRFORCE BOMB HIM! Just further evidence that Zarqawi never really existed and was INVENTED BY THE WHITEHOUSE TO EVENTUALLY LEAD US INTO AN ILLEGAL WAR WITH LICHTENSTEIN!
* And, with his newfound unindictedness, what's to keep Rove from walking up and punching you in the crotch with impunity? ONLY HIS TIGHT SCHEDULE WHICH LEAVES LITTLE TIME FOR RANDOM CROTCH PUNCHING!
* Did you just think you saw movement out of the corner of your eye? IT WAS ROVE! Now that he is unindicted, NO POWER IN THE 'VERSE CAN STOP HIM!
* I'm now so scared, I PEED MY PANTS! That's lucky, because ROVE HAS NO USE FOR URINE SOAKED PANTS! Rove will steal your pants UNLESS YOU PEE THEM NOW!
* Finally, and most importantly... AIEEE! IT'S ROVE! AND HE HAS PIANO WIRE! I must ausj;d mcvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv
June 12, 2006
Zarqawi's Last Words
Posted by Frank J. at 03:32 PM
Zarqawi lived for 52 minutes after U.S. troops got to him. There are lots of rumors about what his last words are, so here are the...
TOP TEN POSSIBLE LAST WORDS OF ABU MUSAB AL-ZARQAWI
10. "So how big was that bomb you dropped on me? I was thinking at least 500 pounds; am I right?"
9. "If you don't do what I think you're going to do with that bacon, I'll give you each three of my virgins."
8. "Aiee! You're standing on my groin!"
7. "To be honest, I never actually finished reading the Koran. How did it end?"
6. "I'll never tell you where the last canister of centox gas is, Jack Bauer!"
5. "Dude! Where' my leg?"
4. "My biggest regret is that I won't get to see Brad Pitt's and Angelina Jolie's child grow up."
3. "I should have listened to my horoscope's warning that 'Big things are coming today.'"
2. "Tell my goat I love her."
And the number one possible last words of Abu Musab al-Zarqawi...
"Ow. Bombs hurt."
Zarqawi's Death Is Merely a Distraction from the Fact that We Have Yet to Capture and Kill Kofi Annan
An Editorial by Frank J.
Posted by Frank J. at 11:21 AM
There is much celebration just because we dropped a bomb on the insignificant terrorist Zarqawi. Are we really safer, though? Can we now walk the streets at night without a care? Can we ride a bobcat with a saddle on it without fear of being mauled? No. Zarqawi's death changes nothing, because the real evil mastermind is still out there plotting against America and issuing statements against us and Israel with impunity as our government does nothing to stop him. Well, I won't cheer because one goofball terrorist is pig-feed; I will only feel safer when Kofi Annan is finally dead.
"After the panic comes the resolve - the resolve to hunt and kill Kofi Annan."
Kofi Annan is, as I type, actively working to overthrow America. He heads a large international organization - known only by its initials "U.N." - of likeminded thugs. They debate how to destroy us and our ally Israel, releasing videotapes of their vicious statement against us with impunity. Why can't we find them and stop them? Is there even a search for their headquarters? No. I suspect politics has something to do with it. Al Qaeda is the hot topic now, and I suspect many fear the "U.N." and its mastermind Kofi Annan. Maybe, some even sympathize with this criminal organization. I've heard rumors from respected sources that, during this War on Terror, Kofi Annan has even been able to infiltrate American soil, giving speeches and making recruits right under our noses!
Did you know these enemies of America and democracy even have their own military, and it only will grow until we finally make some effort against them? Also, they have cells in hundreds of countries - including, if rumors are true - a huge base of operations in the U.S. Are you scared? I know I am. This is far more than a few suicide bombings we have to worry about; these people could seriously undermine America's power abroad. Maybe that's why we don't have a public campaign against them; the government fears it could panic the average American if it publicized these facts. Well, Mr. President, I think it's time we do panic. The panic is unavoidable, but after the panic comes the resolve - the resolve to hunt and kill Kofi Annan.
Will the death of Kofi Annan mean the destruction of the "U.N."? No, but it will demoralize his followers if he is killed and we show proof of his death. I bet many people would leave the organization out of fear when they know America is fully committed to destroy it. Then we can start to destroy "U.N." cells in other countries. And, if rumors are true of an American headquarters, we should be able to find and destroy that, helping American sleep in peace at night.
There is no time to waste, though. The "U.N." and the vile Kofi Annan want to undermine us and our allies. They think they can destroy us and will move towards that goal. We must destroy them first, paving the way for peace so we can ride the bobcat of security into the horizon of our future.
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us. He is also the author of such books as "A Frank Guide to Foreigners and Their Evil" and "Ride the Cat".
June 09, 2006
Zarqawi Brand Pig Feed!
Posted by Frank J. at 11:59 AM
With the number of terrorists out there already conveniently reduced to kibble, the U.S. government has authorized the sale of a new high quality feed for all your livestock needs.
So, buy it now. It will make your livestock explode with flavor!
June 08, 2006
June 07, 2006
Posted by Frank J. at 04:52 PM
Deputy Secretary-General Mark Malloch Brown of the U.N. said that FOX News and Rush Limbaugh are keeping us ignorant of the good the U.N. does. This makes me very angry at FOX News and Rush Limbaugh because I can't even imagine the U.N. ever doing anything useful and am quite curious at what the U.N. could have possibly done. Did, in the midst of their bumbling, the U.N. inadvertently rescue a cat from a tree or something?
In My World: Getting the Word Out
Posted by Frank J. at 12:14 PM
"So some Muslims wanted to behead me, and I was like, 'What's this all aboot, eh?'"
"Did they succeed?"
"No, I still have my head, eh. Anyway, the reason I called..."
President Bush saw some movement outside the window. "Hey, I got some business to attend to. Later, Mr. Canadian." Bush then hung up on the Prime Minister and shouted out his window. "Get off my lawn!"
"What's the matter, dear?" Laura Bush asked.
"Politics just hasn't been working out for me lately," Bush whined, "and now illegal immigrants are getting gay married on the White House lawn."
"Well, I think you brought this on yourself. At least your poll numbers are doing better; now a third of the country likes you."
"Wow! That's a lot of people!" Bush exclaimed. He then paused for a moment. "Does my mom like me again yet?"
"No, I'm afraid not."
"I'll win her back one of these days," Bush vowed. "Anyway, I got bigger worries with that Haditha incident. Right now, I have Marines going through sensitivity training to make sure we don't have more incidents."
* * * *
"So, it's important not to shoot children," the Marine officer said, "unless they got it coming. Any questions?"
"Can we still shoot midgets?" Buck the Marine asked.
"Sure. The important thing is we don't want any wanton slaughter of civilians, because them Democrats love that and will use that to pull us out. Then, you won't get to kill anyone, and you don't want that, do you?"
"No, sir!" the Marines shouted.
"Can't we just shoot the Democrats?" Gomez asked.
"No, they ain't foreign, stupid," Buck told him.
"Hey, I was just trying to think outside the box."
* * * *
"Rummy is holding a press conference to assure reporters that incidents like Haditha will be fully investigated," Bush told Laura. He turned on the TV.
"A whole press room of reporters was found strangled," the anchorman said. "A note was found at the scene reading, 'I, Donald Rumsfeld, strangled all these people because their questions were impudent.' D.C. police are once again baffled and slightly tipsy. We sent a reporter to get a statement from Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld who was supposed to give that press conference, but that reporter was found strangled as well. Whether that murder is related to the others is unknown."
Bush turned off the TV. "Not that mysterious 'Rumsfeld Strangler' again; the police are never going catch him. Well, less reporters means less bad news." He saw Rumsfeld walk by his office. "You okay, Rummy?"
"My hands are sore."
"Arthritis?" Laura asked.
"I don't have to answer your questions," Rumsfeld grumbled as he stormed off.
"That's our Rummy!" Bush chuckled.
"Hey, I meant to ask," Laura said, "Why is Harry Reid pinned under your desk?"
Bush looked at the twitching legs sticking out from beneath his overturned desk. "I don't remember. I think there is a reason."
"Well, I'm going to go back to dusting. Tell me if you figure it out." Laura left the office.
Bush kicked one of Harry Reid's legs. "Oh! Now I remember. I pinned Harry Reid under my desk to remind myself on getting more of the good economic news out there."
Bush ran out into the hallway and found Tony Snow. "Snowman, we need to get more emphasis on the good economy to fight all the bad publicity. Thus, we're going to rob a liquor store."
"I don't really follow that logic."
"I'm the President!" Bush shouted. "That's all you need to know!" Bush spotted Cheney. "Hey, Dick, we're robbing a liquor store. You in?"
"Just watch that itchy trigger finger of yours; I don't want you shooting someone in the face with a shotgun again."
"Then I'm out." Cheney walked off.
"Can't we just mention economic news in my press conference?" Tony asked.
Bush put on a ski mask and pulled out a handgun. "No one watches those. We just use them to distract the press from other things. But, if we rob a liquor store and people hear about how much money is stolen, they'll know the economy must be good!"
Laura came walking by with her feather-duster and noticed Bush in his ski mask. "What are you doing?"
"I'm... about to go skiing."
"Then why have the gun?"
"Uh... biathlon training."
"But you said the Winter Olympics are gay."
"Uh... maybe I'm gay." Bush nudged Tony and whispered, "Back me up on this."
"I'm going to go hold that press conference." Tony quickly headed away.
"You better not be up to something," Laura warned Bush.
Bush placed his gun over his heart. "I swear on my father's grave I'm not."
* * * *
"You got a newspaper in here?"
"Yeah. So?" said Bush's cellmate.
Bush reached over to grab a section. "Can I see if there is any information about my poll numbers?"
"You touch my paper, I'll cut you."
Bush folded his arms. "Fine. Don't share."
June 06, 2006
A Frank Guide to Battling Satan
Posted by Frank J. at 11:25 AM
Today being 6/6/6 should only serve to remind us that Satan is everywhere.
Yes, even at the park.
So what can you do to battle Satan? You can listen to me, that's what.
A FRANK GUIDE TO BATTLING SATAN
* Read the Bible: The Bible is full of great wisdom on fighting evil, but it's also long and boring, so you'll probably want to explore other options... especially when the next Harry Potter comes out because you know you'll just be reading that instead.
* Buy a Shotgun: I don't care who the hell Satan thinks he is; no one can take a shotgun blast standing (except maybe Chuck Norris). If you think you see the Prince of Lies, blast away.
* Stock Up on Food and Bottled Water: If Satan starts attacking and really going all Armageddon, then you may have to board up your place for a while. Thus, make sure to have food and water. Also, if Satan breaks in, beaning him in the head with a can of cream of mushroom should stun him long enough for you to get away.
* Use Your Head: A lot of battling Satan is just common sense. For instance, if you're currently running away from Satan, don't be carrying scissors.
* Don't Be Fooled: Satan can take on many forms (but not complex devices like a bomb or a gun). Anyone could be Satan. If someone tries to talk you into how evil is good, blast him with your shotgun. If it wasn't Satan, it serves that guy right for being a moral relativist.
* Take Care of His Minions: Snakes and monkeys are servants of Satan, so kill them as soon as you see them. If they are together, then strangle the monkey using the snake; that may be your only option if you're trapped on a plane.
* Verbal Battles: Satan has many unsettled father issues, so make sure to take a Freudian approach if forced to do battle with him verbally.
* Wear a Long Sleeve Shirt and Pants: The battle with Satan will probably involve fire, so at least have minimal protection for your limbs. No bike shorts.
* Keep Your Kung Fu Strong: Satan has been around for like forever, so he has probably picked up a lot of kung fu skill. It's preordained that the final battle will come down to a kung fu fight on a mountain top, so make sure you're ready to deliver the finishing dragon kick that will send him flying over the edge and back into the abyss. Or hit him with the shotgun again.
These tips should all help. If the world is currently falling to the evil of Satan, then you are doing something wrong and need to re-read these.
June 02, 2006
Posted by Frank J. at 12:22 PM
FACT: ManBearPig is half man, half bear, half pig.
FACT: ManBearPig wants to destroy everything you care about.
FACT: If ManBearPig is not stopped, BILLIONS WILL DIE OVER THE NEXT HUNDRED YEARS!
FACT: If you remain ignorant of the threat of ManBearPig, YOUR GRANDCHILDREN WILL DIE!
FACT: I'm feeling a little woozy.
Ever envy those people who just snap and kill someone? Me, killing always takes lots of planning and fretting and sleepless nights... and many times something comes up that completely distracts me and I never even get to the actual killing.
So how is your day?
Global Warming Facts
Posted by Frank J. at 10:23 AM
FACT: There is global warming. It's not just an urban legend to make you buy AC units.
FACT: The main culprit for global warming is the sun. You may think that assertion is ridiculous since we are separated from the sun by the vast vacuum of space, but heat can be transferred by radiation WHICH CAN EVEN OCCUR THROUGH A VACUUM!
FACT: Global warming is affected by the actions of man. If you don't believe me, fiddle with the thermostat. The temperature will change because of your actions, THE ACTIONS OF MAN!
FACT: If we don't do anything about global warming, BILLIONS WILL DIE OVER THE NEXT HUNDRED YEARS!
FACT: If you remain ignorant about the issue, YOUR GRANDCHILDREN WILL DIE!
FACT: I am not a climatologist, BUT I CAN WRITE IN ALL CAPS!
FACT: All of these actually are facts.
So what are you going to do?
June 01, 2006
Posted by Frank J. at 09:52 AM
Maybe, for more traffic, I need more reader interaction to act like I care about you people. So here is a question for everyone: What are some fun things to set on fire?
Here's what I like buring:
* Action figures
What do you like to set on fire?
May 30, 2006
America Has Too Many Citizens
An Editorial by Frank J.
Posted by Frank J. at 12:12 PM
The other day, I saw some weird thing I didn't understand. It was some electronic thing with blinking lights. I smashed it with a bat. You may say, "Hey, Frank, you shouldn't have been so quick to smash that with a bat. You should have waited to find out what that was; it could have been a good thing." To which I say, "Hey, Pollyanna, it also could have been a bad thing that could have destroyed us all. All I know for certain was that I didn't understand it, so I smashed it with a bat. That's my policy." There are some things, though, that I don't understand but am unable to smash with a bat. Like, I don't understand why America has so many citizens. So, when I can't understand something but also can't smash it with a bat, I write an editorial. In a way, editorials are my bats to smash concepts I don't understand, and, in this case, why America has so many citizens is the electronic thing with blinky lights that needs to be smashed.
"With each revision, I get a longer period of non-murderous fruit-picking."
Do you know how many citizens America has? Hundreds of millions. That's a lot of people. To put it in a concept easier to grasp, think of one man standing in an auditorium. Now, think of a hundred million times that. And think of some of them as Mexican. That's scary!
Every day, the best and brightest of other countries come to America to be citizens, but, at the same time, we don't throw out our worst and dumbest. Why? Well, everyone who is born in America gets citizenship automatically. I know; it's not like being born is such an accomplishment (well, it's a bit harder since Roe v. Wade), but, still, that's all you have to do and you're here forever even if you're a moron and you suck. That's not right. Everyone should have to prove his or her citizenship.
Of course, I would easily get citizenship. I work hard, I am super-smart, and I know how to use firearms; I'm the model every citizen should follow. I'm even working on making robots to pick fruit so we don't need illegal aliens to do that. So far, they all eventually go on murderous rampages, but, with each revision, I get a longer period of non-murderous fruit-picking. Anyway, I could not understand how anyone could think I should not be a citizen. In fact, I would smash such a person with a bat.
So, smart people who design fruit-picking robots should be citizens, but smelly hippies who whine about America should not. For each immigrant we take, we should deport at least three hippies. Other countries may not like us forcing them to take our wretched refuse, but that's why we have a whole military designed to kill foreigners. They can make countries like whatever we want them to like.
So let's make a better country by being more discriminate about our citizens. First thing, let's revoke everyone's citizenship,
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us. He is also the author of such books as "Making Robots Less-Murderous: A Beginner's Guide to Robot Design" and "Smashing Hamlet with a Bat: A Guide to Shakespeare from Someone Who Didn't Understand It".
Who Doesn't Love a Giant Flaming Wall?
Posted by Frank J. at 10:14 AM
I hear some private citizens are going to construct their own wall along the Mexican border in the style of the wall the Israelis built to keep crazies from trying to blown them up. I think this is a bad idea. If we have walls like the Israelis, then we'll be just like them, and I want to worship Jesus. I have a better idea.
A wall of fire!
It would be like one of those eternal flame memorials, except all along the Mexican border and the fire would shoot up 25 feet in the air. And think of the advantages of a wall of flame:
* Can't be graffitied. Fire burns paint.
* Can't be scaled. Fire is not only hot, it is not a solid.
* It'll be really cool looking. Think of all the tourism to see the wall of fire. And it will be great to have barbecues next to.
* Illegal immigrants are much more scared of fire than concrete. There are studies to prove this.
This looks like an awesome idea. Considering the cost, we could build one along the Canadian border too. With all this focus on the Mexicans, let's not forget those devious canuks. Not even their armies of meese will be able to get past our flames.
Just more outside of the box thinking from your friend Frank J. Hell, I lost my box years ago.
May 25, 2006
Posted by Frank J. at 04:03 PM
A 3% excise tax on long-distance telephone calls that was enacted in 1898 to help fund the Spanish-American War is now being done away with. Why?
Spain has finally been destroyed!
It's Always Convenient to Make Fun of Al Gore
Posted by Frank J. at 01:22 PM
Do you know that Al Gore has a movie coming out called An Inconvenient Truth, and it's supposed to be the scariest movie ever. In fact, before you see it, you have to sign a waiver that you will not hold Al Gore responsible if you drop dead from fright while watching the movie.
You see, the movie contains nothing but Al Gore and a bunch of slides.
I know! It's freaky just thinking about it. I heard from a friend of mine that his cousin knew this guy who was forced to watch Al Gore give a lecture with PowerPoint slides, and, afterwards, the guy ATE HIS OWN FACE!
You're probably wondering (but too scared to ask) "What is Al Gore going to talk about?" Well, I'll tell you, but it's scary...
The earth is heating up and we will all die!
Believe it, man. I've been watching the temperatures here in Florida, and there has been a significant increase in average temperature since January. We're talking like more than ten degrees! If this trend continues, the oceans will boil in a matter of years.
Now, that's freaked me out enough, so I'm not seeing the Al Gore movie. I just can't take anymore sheer terror. I mean, I'm scared just knowing that movie is out there.
Then again, it could end up that this horror movie is just like the Blair Witch project where everyone thought it was true but it ended up it was just a bunch of actors. And it was boring.
So maybe the Al Gore movie is all staged... and boring. We can only hope.
Where Are the Trolls of Yesteryear?
Who hear misses The Limey? For those who missed that famous pen pal friendship, here's a link to the final episode that has links to the previous episodes (they need to be read in order for full effect). I have to admit, I do scan the comments of the trolls we get today in hopes there is a Rage Against the Machine reference, but there won't be another like The Limey. Also, I've came to the conclusion a while ago that stringing trolls on for public humiliation is just a little too mean for me.
Still, if you want to engage trolls, I have some advice. Now, I'm no troll expert - IMAO doesn't get as many trolls as the serious political sites - but I think I have some experience to impart. Anyway, here's the main rule:
NEVER TRY TO ENGAGE A TROLL DIRECTLY.
Trying to debate a troll is a big a waste of time as the troll's postings themselves. These people are out to vent and get attention - that's all. It doesn't matter how dumb a pronouncement one makes - he could say 2+2=5 - they are completely immune to reason. You cannot debate a troll. You cannot educate a troll by playing on his terms. Trying to refute his points is an exercise in futility. Someone who goes around looking for sites to stir up attention is not someone in a healthy state of mind looking for an intelligent discussion. What trolling is is a verbal tantrum, and you can't reason with a screaming child who has no reason in the first place. This brings us to our second rule.
DON'T GET ANGRY.
If you actually got angry from something a troll writes, step back. Do not respond. What is there to get angry about? It's just a few words and the person saying them has no influence over anything. That a person is drawn to troll is funny in itself; what the person says about any particular topic is beside the point. You have to accept the troll will not understand how silly he is, and just be able to laugh at him while he flails around trying to anger you. If you don't detach yourself and think of the troll like a rational person, you can get frustrated and angry. This gives him what he wants and lets the troll set the terms. Crazy people should not be in charge.
So what can you do? Ignoring is the highest form of dominance, but a whole post about ignoring trolls would be boring. Anyway, here is what I find you can do, but it's for entertainment purposes only. Maybe, with practice, these skills can be used to actually train trolls away from trollery, but if you just set your goal to confuse and bewilder the troll, you'll be less likely to get frustrated.
Anyway, remember the two rules: you're not angry and you’re not taking the troll head on. So what are you doing? You redirect. The Dog Whisperer does this all the time with aggressive dogs. They bark and snap their teeth, and yelling back would only make it worse. Instead, he taps them in the neck with two fingers and yells, "Tsst!" The dog then calms down and looks at the Dog Whisperer with confusion. This is basically what you do with a troll. The troll is hoping you'll come back as angry as he is head on, but instead come in calmly from the side. There are numerous ways to do this, but here's an example from one of the first hate mails I posted publicly:
Dopegirl (laguage warning; my language standards have changed over time)
It's not the prefect example, but I take the troll seriously and then play with what that means in a calm fashion. Now look at the response:
Dopegirl Response (language warning)
Much calmer, and that's all I think one should hope to achieve with a troll. That's what made the Limey special; he never got the joke and would come back just as crazy no matter what.
"There's no Fascist McFascist!"
He still makes me smile.
May 24, 2006
In My World: An Average Day for the Deputy Chief of Staff
Posted by Frank J. at 12:08 PM
"So, is this story about Karl Rove being indicted true?" Jason Leopold asked. "If not, I could be completely discredited."
"It is quite true," said the hooded figure hiding in the shadows. "Publish it immediately."
"Okay, then!" Leopold typed away at his computer. "By the way, who are you?"
"My name is..." The hooded figure was silent for a moment. "...Rarl Kove."
* * * *
"So Jesse MacBeth was a fraud made to discredit us all!" exclaimed an angry anti-war activist. "I was so sure he was for real when I saw he had a beret and everything! I bet the Bush Administration was behind this... probably Karl Rove himself!"
The other anti-war activist nodded in agreement. Suddenly, though, they were pelted with rocks.
"Who is throwing rocks at us? It must be Karl Rove!"
They turned to see a hooded figure disappear into the darkness as a blood-curdling laugh filled the air.
* * * *
Markos Zúniga was curled up in a fetal position on the floor and muttering to himself. "Maybe I am too far to the left. Maybe I do hurt the Democrats. Maybe since every candidate I support loses, I should give up. And, maybe, I should take my medication."
"No, my child," echoed a voice in the room. "You are the only one who knows the true path... you and the readers of DailyKos. The problem with the Democrats is they are not far enough to the left. They need to be more liberal! More!"
Markos got to his feet and wiped his face on his Ned Lamont t-shirt. "That's what I keep saying! They all say I'm wrong... but they must be wrong! Screw 'em! Screw 'em all! Tee hee hee hee hee!" Markos then stared at the hooded figure before him who lurked in the darkness. "Who are you?"
"I am your conscience."
Markos scratched his head. "I have a conscience?"
* * * *
Patrick Fitzgerald sat down for dinner with his family, but then the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, no one was there. He looked down to see a dead cat and a note saying, "Courtesy the man who ruined Fitzmas."
"Mittens!" Fitzgerald exclaimed. He then shook his fist at the darkness outside his house. "I'll get you for killing our cat, Karl Rove! I'll get you yet!"
An evil laugh answered.
* * * *
Karl Rove stood before The Pit of Unimaginable Terror and Punditry. Its evil light lit his face. "Dark spirits! Give me the power to manipulate the wills of others! Help me lead my enemies to their own demise! Bring forth the demon..."
"Hey, Rover!" President Bush called out.
"How did you get into my secret lair?" Rove demanded.
"As usual, I fell down a hole today." Bush looked around. "So what are you up ta? This place looks neat." Bush stared down the pit. "If I throw a penny down there, will my wish come true?"
"Don't disturb anything!" Rove commanded. "There are powers here of which you could never hope to understand."
"I saw a lot of Mexicans working in your underground mines here," Bush said. "Is that why you keep telling me not to be a hardliner on illegal immigration?"
"It's all part of the plan."
"And what's this plan lead to?"
"As predicted by the ancient Book of Punditry, when the planets and the stars and the polls align, I can summon forth a power unlike this world has ever known! With it, all will bow to me, and, if I so desire, I can even rend apart the universe itself!"
"Destroy the universe..." Bush thought about that. "Might be unpopular with the base, but well, at least we have an agenda; that's how we keep beating the Democrats."
"Now leave this place before I eat your soul."
May 23, 2006
She's a Huggy Pit Pup!
Posted by Frank J. at 02:13 PM
SarahK and I have been taking Rowdi to pond parties where she gets to run around with forty other dogs and swim in ponds. She has lots of fun, but it's hard to keep track of her since it seems like half the dogs there are tan colored and are wearing red collars. Thus, we decided to put a nametag on her collar. Here's what we had made for her:
Today's Main Problem Facing Society Today
Posted by Frank J. at 12:29 PM
How many boards can you punch through? How about block of ice? When was the last time you roundhouse kicked someone in the head? Have you ever even been in a battle to the death?
You probably don't even want to answer those question because of the shame it would bring to fess up on how weak your kung fu is, but you are not alone. Kung fu has been in a decline in America since the 60s, and, all that time, crime, drug use, and wussiness have been on the rise. Why, if I graphed America's strength in kung fu versus societal ills, there would be a line that... uh...
I really have to learn Excel. Anyway, it would be a disturbing graph, and you'd gasp to see it. There probably isn't one problem in this country that doesn't have some relation to our weakening kung fu.
Most people just like to ignore the problem, but let me give you this fact: there is a one in forty chance you will be attacked by a ninja today. So what are you going to do? Call the police? Here another fact: a ninja can kill someone weak in kung fu in an average of 30 seconds while police response time is an average of 40 seconds - longer if the police themselves have weak kung fu.
Are you scared yet? Of course you are; you're weak in kung fu and probably scared of everything. So what to do?
HOW TO KEEP YOUR KUNG FU STRONG
* When you're mad, punch holes in things. Start simple like drywall, and try to build up to punching through buildings.
* Instead of leaf blower, clear your lawn of leaves using just the wind from your kick.
* Next time you're in an argument, make sure it escalates to a fight. If you can keep the fighting going until your battling on a rooftop (or, better yet, a mountain top) all the better.
* When you pass someone on the street you don't know or care about, knock him down with a swift palm strike. Keep a journal handy to record your progress on how far back you send people flying.
* Do breathing exercises.
And don't forget about the next generation. When you feed your kids, only make one meal and let them fight for it.
Remember: Only you can prevent weak kung fu.
This public service announcement from your friends at IMAO is in compliance with item 5.04.2A of the Keep America's Kung Fu Strong Act.
Genius in Ink and Paper
Posted by Frank J. at 09:18 AM
So, I know you've been waiting for books from IMAO and especially me, Frank J. I saw some of the books other bloggers put out, and not all of it was simply fancily packaged toilet paper. In fact, I liked the central thesis of one book so much, I combined it with my famous thesis. Thus, I present:
(cover art by cadet happy)
May 22, 2006
I Love America
Posted by Frank J. at 02:15 PM
If you spend too much time watching politics you forget that the politicians are not America... other than that they run America... but only the unimportant parts... other than deploying the military, that is.
Okay, I already confused myself.
Anyway, my point, whether I can come up with an appropriate intro or not, is that, even though it seems like we have no heroes in politics right now, America is still full of heroes and things worth fighting for. We have the liberty earned by our forefathers, our innovation, our spirit, our awesome economy, and our general kick-assery - and that should be more than enough to get anyone out of bed and glad to be alive each morning. As bad as things may get in Washington and on the world stage, there's always a supermarket nearby with at least eight different types of Oreo cookies to choose from - and this week they're buy one get one free!
Maybe my point is that you should never forget that America is really really awesome. We have apple pies and right to carry laws. We have boundless opportunity and a Walgreens at every intersection. We have constant technical innovation and no native species of monkeys. And this is the only nation that has me! If you said there was another country even half as great as the United States, I'd punch you in your dumb, lying monkey face.
And you'd deserve it for such slander.
And did I mention that no military is better at killing its enemies than America's military? We had all those years of "peace" during the Clinton years, and the military went right back to killing bad people without missing a beat. And, with new technology in the works, we'll kill people in need of killing even more efficiently.
So be happy (unless you're one of IMAO's international readers; I don't know how you should feel then). The United States of America still kicks ass. We must continue to fight for what's right, but we should have smiles on our faces because we fight from positions of strength. And no matter what terrorists do, no matter how liberals try to weaken us and put this country down, the two-hour season finale of 24 will still air tonight.
Because we're America.
May 18, 2006
In My World: Virtually Caring About Border Security
Posted by Frank J. at 01:04 PM
"Good job with your first press conference," President Bush told Tony Snow.
"Thanks. I found the best way to handle Helen Thomas was to spray her in the face with a water bottle every time she tried to speak. I figure if I keep it up, she'll learn not to talk at all."
"Maybe, but Ari Fleischer tried the same thing, but instead of spraying her with a water bottle, he clunked her on the head with a tire iron… and that still never took. There was one thing about your press conference I didn't like, though, and I think that was violating our first rule." Bush pointed to a sign on the wall.
Tony read the sign aloud. "'No matter what, never admit it's amnesty.'"
Bush looked at the sign. "Oh, I guess we changed the first rule. Anyway, it used to be 'There is no crying in this administration.' I don't care if you barely survived cancer, Snowman; I barely survived a pretzel, and I didn't cry... even though I really really wanted to. Anyway, it's time to appease the base." Bush walked over to a map of the world and whapped Mexico with a pointer. "I think the only way now is to invade Mexico."
"Invade Mexico? Well, I guess that will be easy with troops at the border."
"No, they'll expect that." Bush pointed to Guatemala. "We'll invade from here and they'll never see it coming." He thought for a moment. "So now I need a plan to invade Guatemala."
Condi stormed into the room and yanked away Bush's pointer. "Wars are for popular Presidents. You finish the ones you have and just work on border security."
"Ahh... border security is boring," Bush moaned. "Well, I guess I'll head to the border and work on the problem." He turned to Tony. "You tell everyone I'm doing a lot about illegal immigration and not to say bad things about me because the NSA will know... but don't admit we have an NSA spying program. Actually, deny we have an NSA."
"Uh... I'll come up with something to say."
"Yes, you say…" Bush marched off. "…I do."
* * * *
Attorney General Alberto Gonzales stood by the border wearing his Sombrero of Authority and matching poncho. Next to him was some high-tech gadgetry. Bush walked over to him. "What do we have here?"
"A virtual fence," Alberto said and handed goggles to Bush while taking a pair for himself. They both put them on, and Bush then saw in front of him a giant wall of pure concrete.
"Wow! When you wear these, it appears that we actually care about border security!" Bush exclaimed.
"All we have to do is get everyone to wear these and it's like we really have a fence," Alberto said. "We would also need to get Mexicans to wear these if we don't want them all running over here while we're admiring our virtual fence. But, if they do come in..." In the virtual world, Alberto pointed up at some butterflies flying over the fence. "…it won't look so bad. See, those butterflies are virtual representation of illegal immigrants crossing our borders."
"Wow! They're almost blocking out the sky!" Bush looked down and saw a newspaper on the ground. He picked it up and read it. "Cool! In this world, my approval rating is almost 40%!"
The good news disappeared as Alberto pulled off Bush's goggles. "I have something else to show you. If the virtual fence doesn't work, I hired a consultant for another option."
Standing near them was a tall, old, bearded man wearing a robe and holding a staff. "I am Gandalf the Gray," he said, "and I shall make you a magical fence."
"Yay!" Bush squealed. "I love magic."
Gandalf faced some Mexicans nearing the border. Gandalf then yelled, "You cannot pass! I am a servant of the Secret Fire, wielder of the Flame of Anor! The Dark Flame will not avail you, Flame of Udun. Go back to the shadow!" Gandalf struck the ground with his staff. "You… shall… not… pass!"
A rock struck Gandalf in the head, knocking him to the ground. The Mexicans then all ran over him.
"That could have gone better," Bush said. "Well, I guess this problem cannot be solved. Anyhoo, I'm hungry for some Mexican food. How about you, Speedy?"
"If you're paying," Alberto answered.
As they walked off, a thought struck Bush. "What if we made a real fence?"
Alberto slapped Bush across the back of his head. "That would lower property values, you stupid gringo!"
Posted by Frank J. at 08:45 AM
Pat Robertson says God told him that storms and tidal waves will possibly hit America this year (Possibly? So God is no better than your average meteorologist?). Quote the prophet:
"If I heard the Lord right about 2006, the coasts of America will be lashed by storms."
If you heard him right? Little tip here, Pat: When God talks, PAY ATTENTION! Don't let your mind wander to last rerun of JAG you saw when the Almighty grants you His time. Worse comes to worse, maybe you could at least ask Him to repeat Himself if you didn't get it the first time.
Wait, God is talking to me now...
So right in his dumb monkey face?
Got it. Later, Dude.
Gotta go, people; I'm on a mission from God.
May 17, 2006
Frank Advice to Skyrocket Bush's Approval Ratings
Posted by Frank J. at 10:57 AM
I've been hard on Bush lately, but I want him to succeed. I think he can get right up there in approval ratings while making America a greater and safer nation, but he needs to follow my advice.
First thing, lose the suit. Go with the cowboy hat and duster like Walker Texas Ranger. Always have a loaded peacemaker at your side and be chomping on a cigar for effect. Also, camera crews need to follow you around all the time so the American people can see you doing all this.
Anyway, here are a few specifics of what you can do. You can probably add to this, but I'd say do all of this as a minimum:
* First, put the Democrat politicians in their place. Put out your cigar on Harry Reid's face next time he speaks out. Tell Pelosi to shut up before the strain of talking causes her skull to shoot out her face. Ambush that nut Howard Dean while he is on a political talk show and repeat his moronic statements, each one followed by a punch to the face. Take a vial of pepper spray labeled "Holy Water" and throw it in Hillary's face while she's giving a speech. Have Cynthia McKinney dragged away to an insane asylum and threaten to do the same to anyone who voted for her. Bind Patrick Kennedy and put him in the front seat of a crash test car. Before hitting the button to slam him into a wall, tell him, "When the ambulance comes, say you were on the way to a vote." As for Big Fat Teddy K, next time he liquors up, put him in a car and then push it off a bridge saying, "Let's see if you can still swim, you fat bastard!"
* Next, take on the liberal moonbats. Just hunt down a few of the nuts like Kos and slap them around on camera so Americans see what a bunch of weenie little loons they are. Do the same with freak college professors in some random visits to different college campuses (start a contest students can enter called "Have the President Publicly Beat the Crap Out of My Liberal College Professor"). Just ignore Hollywood, because that's what hurts them the most.
* Now put Congress and spending in its place by freezing the assets of everyone in Congress just like you do terrorists until Congress can decided how to get federal spending under control. Beat with a chair the first person to suggest more taxes.
* Douse with gasoline and threaten with a match the next politician who tries to demagogue the gasoline costs issue. Have him weepingly explain to the camera as he begs for his life how gas prices are set and the many issues involved.
* Take all the available National Guard and lead them into march through Mexico to Vicente Fox's house. Smash it up a bit, take a few things you like, and, if Fox gets pissy, tell him that your just respecting the borders as much as he is and, if he likes to keep the status quo, he can expect more visits. Divert funding from welfare to buying arms for Minutemen.
* Kidnap Kofi Anan and have him battle John Bolton in a cage match. When Bolton emerges the victor, declare him new leader of the U.N. Let him clean house of illegitimate governments such as dictatorships and Communists. Throw France off the Security Council and instead give them their own special corner to cower in.
* Next time you meet with "President" Hu Jintao of China, after he finishes saying how great it is to have a meeting and how gracious you are, shoot him in the kneecaps and remark, "America never gets tired of shooting Communists, and we never will."
* Have a meeting with Hugo Chavez. As soon as he starts to talk, punch him in the throat. Then grab his head and start slamming it against a table until he agrees to face the cameras and admit he's "a dainty little girl."
* Meet with the Hamas leaders of the Palestinians.
HAMAS: We will not recognize the existence of Israel. That's our policy.
:: Bush pulls out a gun and shoots the Hamas leader in the head. ::
BUSH: I kill terrorists. That's my policy.
* Give the military full authorization to use whatever force it feels necessary in Iraq. If things spill over into Syria or Iran, well, you're "lax on border issues."
* As for Iran, tell them they better get moving on their nuclear program if they want to retaliate because you're going to nuke Tehran in three days. Then go on vacation for three days and be completely unreachable.
Now that is how you be a President. So take my advice, President Bush, and regain respect while setting example for future generations on to properly use violence to solve problems (I don’t want things too screwed up before I’m old enough to take office in 2016). Remember, when you scare everyone, the more so you scare our enemies.
May 16, 2006
Posted by Frank J. at 01:48 PM
I'm tired of seeing wacko lefty moonbats calling President Bush "Chimpy McHitler." It's just stupid and has no bearing in reality. Hitler was never lax on border security, and chimpanzees are quite territorial.
May 11, 2006
Frank Guide to Foreigners on How Not to Anger Americans
Posted by Frank J. at 12:30 PM
Some people are making a guide on how Americans should act so foreigners will like them. That is so stupid. Americans are powerful, armed, and have short attention spans and even shorter tempers; foreigners should be much more concerned with angering us. If we get mad enough, we'll just call up our Congressman and have your country nuked. So, as a service to foreigners, here is:
A FRANK GUIDE TO NOT ANGERING AMERICANS
* Learn English. We're the most powerful country in the world, so you better be fluent in English just in case you ever one day run into an American or just want to know what we're saying about you... if anything. We don't have time to learn all your different silly little languages, so just learn ours. Also, if you’re begging a Marine to spare your life, it's much more effective if he can understand you.
* Don't localize your McDonalds. The last thing Americans want is to go to a McDonalds in some foreign country and find that their Big Macs taste weird because you foreigners like it cooked some strange way. Learn to like things the way Americans make them. Do serve beer at McDonalds, though.
* Don't insult the American President. I don't care if Jimmy Carter gets a second term; only Americans get to make fun of the American President. To you foreigners, he should be treated as a revered, God-like figure since he can, at anytime, order your puny country bombed.
* Have hat racks. Americans need someplace to hang their cowboy hats when entering an establishment. If an American finds no place to hang his cowboy hat, he may just pull out a gun and shoot you... and he'd be fully justified.
* Don't be French. I don't care if you live in France; it's unacceptable to Americans for you to be French. Fake an Italian accent or something. Even if it's not very good, we'll appreciate the effort.
* Don't comment on our foreign policy. If you wanted your opinion to matter, you shouldn't have been foreign. Just say that you like everything America is doing. We won't actually expect you to know everything America is doing, though, because we don't expect that of ourselves.
* Give us free stuff. The only reason your country is safe is because of America, so give Americans free stuff to show your appreciation. An American might even reward you with a story about American hero Jack Bauer if you're extra good.
* If an American tells you to do something, then do it immediately. Usually we'll just ask that you dance for our amusement.
* Accept American currency. We don't want to carry around your fruity colored currency, so just take our dollars and figure out what to do with them yourself.
* No sudden arm movements. We're trigger-happy, so don't give us cause.
Did I miss anything? Also, what do you international IMAO readers do to keep from angering Americans?
May 10, 2006
In My World: The Least Hated
Posted by Frank J. at 12:56 PM
[UPDATE: Now with spooky ending!]
A horn honked outside the White House. "Hey! Bush!"
President Bush stuck his head out the window. "What?"
"I hate you!" The man sped off down the street.
Bush collapsed in his office chair. "Aww... everyone hates me."
"Why are you talking to me?" Condoleezza Rice asked. "I don't like you!" She left the Oval Office.
The hooded figure of Karl Rove emerged from the shadows. "I have good news."
"It better not be about how you saved money on car insurance because mine just went up since my insurer hate me."
"No. The news I bring is about the popularity of Congress. It is at an all time low." Rove handed a sheet of polling data to Bush.
"Wow! Despite polling the low thirties, I'm the most popular politician in Washington!" Bush turned to Rove. "I guess the American people just hate all politicians now. Maybe it's time for some bi-partisan action."
"Muh ha ha ha!" Rove disappeared back into the shadows.
Bush chuckled. "Rover sure is a jovial fella. Anyway, it's time to make America love politicians."
* * * *
"Nothing says love like a carnival!" Bush exclaimed. "And, with a carnival run by politicians, people will love us again."
Cheney just grumbled.
"You have to have a better spirit than that," Bush said. "And I thought I told you to not bring a shotgun; people are going to be afraid that you're gonna shoot 'em in the face."
Cheney rubbed his shotgun. "Maybe they should be afraid."
Bush turned to check on the Democrats. Nancy Pelosi's skin was stretched back so that her teeth were bared. The site made Bush recoil in horror, and nearby children screamed and ran away. "What are you doing?" Bush demanded.
"I'm smiling," Pelosi answered.
"Then don't ever smile again. We're trying to make people like us, not give them nightmares. Don't make me regret including you Democrats." Bush looked to Harry Reid. "So how are things going with you, Dingy Harry?"
"I keep trying to make the kids balloon animals, but they kick me in the groin."
"Yeah, kids will do that... to you."
"There are those stupid politicians!" a man shouted. A crowd then headed over to Bush, Cheney, Pelosi, and Reid.
"What are you going to do about illegal immigration?" one woman demanded.
"I'll tell you what I won't do," Bush said, "Amnesty. I may do something that seems like amnesty and goes along with any standard definition of amnesty and everyone will call it amnesty... but it's not amnesty because we have a different name for it."
"The most important thing about Mexican immigrants," Reid stated, "is getting them registered to vote."
"And we have to make sure ballots are in Spanish," Pelosi added.
Cheney waved his shotgun around. "I shoot Mexicans in the face!"
"This man has a plan," the woman said, pointing to Cheney. "I like him better but hate you three goobers."
"So what are you politicians going to do about trial lawyers bankrupting everyone?" one man asked.
"You shouldn't be angry at trial lawyers," Reid said. "They sue everyone to make a better America. And, no one is more charitable than them."
"That's true," Bush stated. "They sure give the Democrats a lot of money, and you couldn't find a bigger group of pathetic losers in need of charity than the Democrats."
"I shot a trial lawyer in the face with my shotgun," Cheney said, "and he was a friend of mine. Think of what I'll do to the rest of them!"
"You're the only one here who seems to know what he's doing," the man said to Cheney.
"I hate quails," another person said. "Are any of you going to do something about them?"
"I kill quails with my shotgun," Cheney answered.
Bush hit Cheney in the shoulder. "Dick! You and your shotgun better stop hogging all the popularity."
"People, don't just follow the gun-wielding maniac," Pelosi told the crowd. "We Democrats care about you." The skin on her face stretched back again.
"Why is she baring her teeth like that?" one guy asked. "Is she going to eat us?"
"That's her smiling," Bush said. He then thought for a moment. "For five bucks, you can hit her in the face with a pie."
"I did not agree to any--" Pelosi was shut up when a pie struck her in the face.
* * * *
"The new polls are in!" Bush exclaimed with glee. "The carnival worked! I'm up one point!"
"That could just be a statistically insignificant fluctuation in the polls," Laura Bush said.
"Well, this is for real." Bush held up a wad of cash. "I made this money letting people hit Nancy Pelosi in the face with a pie. Plus, I think I learned something: popularity doesn't matter when you have money and power."
"Well, I'm quite popular," Laura said. "The only people who don't like me are the craziest moonbats. Maybe I can bake them cookies."
"You can't ever get them to like you; they even hate themselves."
A horn honked outside the White House. "Hey! Bush!"
President Bush stuck his head out the window. "What?"
"I'm ambivalent about you!" The man sped off down the street.
Vote for the Greater of Two Evils!
Posted by Frank J. at 10:51 AM
So what are some ideas for the Democrat's slogan for 2006? Here are mine:
* Elect us, and we promise to finally come up with an agenda... and it will be good!
* If you give us power, we'll whine a lot less.
* Assaulting police officers, ramming barricades... who knows what wackiness your congressional Dems will do next!
* You only get to find out our secret plans if we get elected.
* If Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid are in charge, the terrorists will decide that America is too pointless to attack.
* Felons and dead people love us, why don't you?
* You've see us Democrat politicians! We don't have job skills for any real work! Please, we have family and mistresses to feed!
Whatever their slogan is, they better make sure to have a Spanish translation (or, more likely, they'll need an English translation).
Put your own ideas in the comments!
May 09, 2006
Thank God It's a Two-Party System
Posted by Frank J. at 08:52 AM
Kos had his readers come up with a Republican slogan for the 2006 election. I didn't read any, because I figured they would be asinine, but why don't we give it a shot:
* "Because your only other choice is the Democrats."
* "We admit it; we have a culture of corruption. Help reelect us, and we'll cut you in."
* "No, seriously, are you actually considering to vote for a Democrat?"
* "Who needs a slogan; Dieblold will rig things for us."
* "Come on; we could burn down your house and still be a million times better choice than the Democrats."
* "We've gotten so fat and lazy with our power, we're not even going to bother with a slogan."
* "Whoever came up with the phrase 'lesser of two evils' is a genius."
* "Oh yeah... we do have to motivate you to the polls somehow. How about you elect us, and we'll consider doing something about illegal immigration?"
What's your idea for the 2006 Republican slogan (we'll do the Dems later). Put it in the comments, yo!
May 08, 2006
Crazy Kos No Like Being Called Crazy
Posted by Frank J. at 03:51 PM
Don't call crazy Kos crazy or he'll get all crazy on you. Liberal Johnathan Chait made that mistake, and now Kos is getting all crazy on him, that wacky crazy Kos.
He's so crazy.
May 05, 2006
Reason I Hate Liberals #54,389
Posted by Frank J. at 04:08 PM
Liberals all have dumb monkey faces I want to punch.
Look at this liberal:
What an ugly monkey face! My fist is curling just looking at it.
And look at this guy:
If that's not a dumb monkey face, then nothing is! I so need to punch something after seeing these dumb monkey-faced liberals!
There, I punched my desk.
So, all liberals have dumb monkey faces and I hate them.
May 03, 2006
In My World: Colbert, Iran, and Something that Rhymes with "Jew"
Posted by Frank J. at 01:45 PM
President Bush read the jokes off the teleprompter and enjoyed the laughter from the audience at the White House Correspondence Dinner, but the strange echo he kept hearing was starting to disturb him. The echo wasn't even correctly repeating what he was saying. Bush then turned to see another man was there who looked and sounded just like him.
"Aieeee! A pod person!" Bush shouted as he pulled out a shotgun.
Laura ran over and grabbed Bush. "That's Steve Bridges and he's part of the act." Laura looked to the audience. "That's my wacky husband!"
Everyone laughed, and Laura led Bush back to his seat while Stephen Colbert walked to the podium.
"This guy is funny!" Bush told Laura, "I saw him on TV, and I laughed really hard at all the jokes I understood."
Stephen Colbert cleared his throat and started his routine. "President Bush is an evil man. He supports torture. No one likes him. He has broken many laws." Colbert was quiet for a few seconds. "That was the punch line."
"This isn't funny!" Bush whispered to Laura. "Something is wrong with him! Maybe he'll be funnier if I throw a shoe at him."
"He has gotten us into a war where many have died," Colbert continued. "He is not smart, and--" A shoe hit Colbert in the head. "Ow!"
"Ha! That was funny!" Bush shouted. He then thought for a moment. "Can someone hand me back my shoe?"
* * * *
Bush poured himself a cup of coffee. "That stupid dinner had me up past my bedtime. Why can't I delay running the country until later?" He then saw Tony Snow in the hallway. "Wow! I know you from FOX News! What are you doing here?"
"Um... you hired me as your new press secretary, remember?"
"Yeah, we needed to replace tubby. No why we needed to replace him?"
"Because he was..." Tony shrugged his shoulders. "...tubby?"
"That's right! You're a quick one, Snowman."
Tony took out a newspaper. "Anyway, I thought you might want to see this. In reaction to Stephen Colbert's performance, a number of left-wing nuts have erected shrines in his honor and formed religions around him."
Bush furrowed his brow. "They thought he was funny?"
"They don't go as far to say that, but they think he was daring to speak the truth or some crap."
"But he wasn't funny!" Bush exclaimed. "Don't these moonbats understand funny?"
"Studies show they are quite humorless."
"The only funny part was when I hit him with my shoe," Bush said. He then laughed. "Man, that was funny. He was all like, 'Ow! Where did that shoe come from?' Did you see that, Snowman?"
Tony chuckled. "Yes, that was funny. It was also funny when he picked up your shoe and ran off and then you started cursing at him."
Bush looked down to see one of his feet was shoeless. "He still has my shoe! That unfunny shoe-stealer!" Bush grabbed a shotgun that was leaning against a table. "I'm getting my shoe back!"
"You sure keep a lot of shotguns around."
"That's because I'm a smart president! Now, come on; time to get your hands dirty, Snowman!" Bush began to awkwardly march off, but Condoleezza Rice stopped him.
"What are you doing?"
"I'm going to go get my shoe back from that unfunny Stephen Colbert!" Bush shouted. "We'll see who is funny when I murder him dead!"
"But Iran has threatened that, if anyone attacks Stephen Colbert, they will retaliate against Israel!" Condi exclaimed.
"So?" Bush answered. "It's not like I have a summer home there."
"Yes, but if Israel is attacked, they vow to retaliate against Saudi Arabia. And, if Saudi Arabia is attacked, the vow to retaliate against..." Condi took out a long sheet of paper. "Well, to cut to the chase, eventually someone will retaliate against Namibia, who vows to attack us."
"Oh no! We'll all die!" Bush exclaimed. "I can't believe that Iran is directly indirectly threatening us like that, but I can't just walk around with one shoe! The international community will never respect me!"
"We could just go buy some new shoes," Tony suggested.
"Maybe you come from a world where you can just go to some magical store and get shoes," Bush said, "but, here in the world of politics, if a comedian steals your shoe, you have to get it back using a shotgun or you shall remain shoeless forever!"
"Haven't you ever wondered why, to this day, Jimmy Carter walks around shoeless?" Condi asked Tony.
"I guess there's a lot to politics I still have to learn."
"There's a lot about everything I have to learn," Bush said. He looked to Condi. "Put out the announcement that, if America is attacked, we will retaliate against Iran!"
* * * *
The crazy Iranian president ran to the crazy Iranian mullahs. "America threatens to destroy us if attacked!"
The crazy Iranian mullahs looked over a long sheet of paper. "That means if we attack Israel in retaliation for an attack on Stephen Colbert, we will surely die... eventually. Tell Colbert we will no longer defend him."
The crazy Iranian president picked up the phone and dialed Stephen Colbert. "We will no longer retaliate against Israel if you are attacked."
"You will no longer what? …And who is this?"
* * * *
Bush stood outside the Comedy Central studios and chambered a round into his shotgun. "It's time to get my shoe back, Snowman!"
A number of hooded figures approached Bush and Tony. "We are of the Church of Colbert, the one who brings truth to power, and we will die in defense of him."
"Okay." Bush fired his shotgun and killed all the liberals.
"Do you feel any remorse for that?" Tony asked.
Bush chambered another round. "It should be pretty obvious at this point in my presidency that I don't feel any remorse for anything."
* * * *
The doorbell rang at the White House. Laura put down her duster to answer it.
"Hi," said a man standing at the doorstep holding a box. "We had a number of items left in Lost & Found after the White House Correspondence Dinner. One's a shoe that we think might belong to President Bush."
Laura picked up the shoe. "Yes, he was looking for this."
"We also have four shotguns."
Laura rolled her eyes. "Yeah, he really needs those."
May 02, 2006
Posted by Frank J. at 02:39 PM
Part of the controversy with the Spanish version of our National Anthem is that parts of it were changed in translation. What was changed?
The words. They were changed to Spanish.
Oy! Enough with the Blowing People Up Already!
An Editorial by Allah
Posted by Frank J. at 11:56 AM
People are always telling me, "Hey, Allah, you should write another book. All the books you've written before were very popular; I'm not sure if anyone actually read the whole megillah, but everyone has to have one." It's not like I'm out to make some gelt, though, and I thought I already wrote everything I need to say. Plus, it's not like I have the time to write; if you could even understand how much I have to do each day, you'd plotz. Still, I thought it would be a real good chochmeh to write a column to go over a few points since so many people seem to have some facacta ideas these days.
"Yeah, I know I'm great, but know who's not so great? You schmucks."
So, the other day, I'm watching over things, and everything is going well until some deli gets blown up. And I'm all ferklempt. What's happening here? Some poor schlemazel stops in for a nosh and he gets blown up for that? And the Palestinian noodniks are kvelling over this? Oy! So the schmendrick responsible blew himself up too, and he's smiling like it's some real koontz he just did. So I ask, "What's wrong with you?"
An know what he says? He says he thought I wanted this. Oy Gevalt! So I ask him what meshungina told him I wanted all this tumul. He tells me, "Mohammed."
Mohammed! Like that's some help. There are so many Mohammeds these days that even I have trouble keeping track. I need this like I need a loch in kopp. So I tell him to draw me picture of this particular Mohammed so I know exactly what schlemiel we're talking about.
And he say no! Can you believe that chutzpah? The one true God asks him for a little doodle, and he says no. Then I finally realize what Mohammed he's talking about, the one with the real pisk on him. Oy Veyzmir! I warned that groyse macher when he wrote his Koran to be careful, because people are going to take that thing seriously. But did he listen? Now all these people are running around with these cacamaimey ideas that they can get 72 virgins by blowing themselves up on buses. What? Are they so furblungit they think I have the playboy mansion up here? That I'm going to say to them, "Mazel tov on blowing up that preschool. Now here are some shikses for you to fool around with."
I don't want to kibbutz, but some of these Muslim boychiks seem a bit sexually frustrated. What these nebbishes need to do is change out of those shmatas their wearing, clean the schmootz off their faces, not act like some chazzer, and meet some gezuntah moyyd. They have to get over this killing everybody idea, because that is not going to impress the women if that's what they want.
Now, these Muslims can be some nice people. They pray five times a day, and I'm always telling people, "Hey, you need to pray more. And, while you’re at it, call your mother. She wants to hear from you too." I don't quite get the facing Mecca part, but you have to face something, I guess. Just remember who you're praying to; Mecca may have its own McDonalds, but it didn't create the universe.
Anyway, I'd rather some of these Muslim noodniks focus a bit less on the praying and a bit more on the not killing. It's not only bad for those involved, but it's certainly not making me look good. What's this shtick about blowing up some nice people and then shouting, "Allah ackbar!"? Hok me a chinik! Yeah, I know I'm great, but know who's not so great? You schmucks. So enough with the blowing people up already.
Allah is the one true God and also the author of such books as the Torah and numerous science fiction stories for young adults.
May 01, 2006
Chicken Hawk and the 101st Fighting Keyboardists FAQ
Posted by Frank J. at 01:32 PM
Q. Cool! What's its wingspan?
Q. The female is bigger.
Q. So why do supporters of the war get called "chicken hawks" like its an insult?
Q. What's the long answer?
Q. What's the medium-length answer?
Q. Liberals seem to use the phrase "chicken hawk" against people who aren't in the military? Do liberals want a government where decisions are only made by those in the military?
Q. But they say they support the troops!
Q. So what would happen if someone in the military tried to debate them on the issues?
Q. Who reads newspapers anymore? They're gay.
Q. It doesn't sound like there is any point in trying to debate anti-war liberals.
Q. In a documentary about prehistoric times, I learned about something called a "record player." Apparently, sometimes a record player would "skip" and cause the same thing to be repeated over and over. The solution was to strike the record player really hard. Would this work against liberals?
Q. Shouldn't one who thinks we should be in war then join to fight in that war?
Q. But you own plenty of guns.
Mainly my wife.
Q. Why would the media front be important?
Q. Which is?
Q. But can bloggers really help?
Q. But I thought the liberal-media had no shame?
Q. So why use the chicken hawk as the symbol for the 101st Fighting Keyboardists?
Q. I'm active duty in the military. Can I still be a member of the 101st Fighting Keyboardists?
Q. Writing sounds hard. I just want to join the military and kill terrorists.
Q. What happened to the 1st through 100th Fighting Keyboardists?
Q. This sounds scary.
Q. I don't like that gringo Bush because of his lax stance on illegal immigration and his spending. Can I still be a part of the 101st Fighting Keyboardists?
Q. Is that why the liberals hate Bush so much?
Q. It's kinda like when anything goes wrong, small minds just blame the Jews.
Q. Do the liberals want American troops to fail?
Q. They sound like ghouls.
Q. So are they against America?
It's their war. Why aren't they fighting it?
As you see, they don't consider the current war on terror and the fight of American troops to be their concern. It's the war of "other people."
But don't question their patriotism.
Q. Why not?
Q. How can you question what is not there?
Q. Okay! I'm in! I want to be a part of the 101st Fighting Keyboardist and help kill and devour the chickens out there! How do I sign up?
Now keep your keyboard clean and battle ready.
Today Is Make the Mexican Do All the Work Day
Posted by Frank J. at 08:48 AM
By a unanimous decision of me, today is Make the Mexican Do All the Work Day. Thus, RightWingDuck will have to write an In My World™, compose a filthy lie about Glenn Reynolds, snark a TV show, do a funny photoshop, write some self-deprectating Jewish humor, and do whatever is that spacemonkey does plus his HTML hacking (expect the site to be down for periods at a time unrealted to Saudis).
Wish Ducky luck, and he just might earn his $1.75 an hour.
April 28, 2006
Uno de Mayo
Posted by Laurence Simon at 01:00 PM
In anticipation of Uno De Mayo protests, I thought I'd remind people of a certain deranged project I worked on last year when the "How To Sneak Into Gringoland" comic book was published and distributed by the Mexican Government:
Remember, folks: the undershorts of Uncle Sam himself are exposed!
April 27, 2006
Do We Laugh So We Don't Kill?
Posted by Frank J. at 01:36 PM
Sometime I like to take a break from telling you all what to think to tell you why you think that (Short Answer: Because I told you too). Now, some unwary liberals have stumbled onto conservative humor on some t-shirts from ThoseShirts.com and were quite shocked and appalled by what they saw. Digby feared that our humor meant we mean his ilk real harm, while maha says that this just follows a long line of violent conservative humor rooted in hostility.
She also says there is no such liberal equivalent.
Yeah, yeah; calm down. It's just like the "there's no liberal media" types who basically have King Kong trashing their living room but claim not to be able to see a monkey. But doesn't such obtuseness bring up some hostile feeling in you? Maybe there is a point about right-wing hostility in humor, as, if you look at it, there are a lot of factors out there that can be pushing conservatives like me to a very hostile disposition which I could possibly be reflecting in my humor.
CONTRIBUTING FACTORS TO RIGHT-WING HOSTILITY
* We were able to steal two Presidential election, but unable to rig Presidential approval polls.
* Confusion resulting from that we hate women and minorities, yet love Condoleezza Rice's warmongering and the punditry of Michelle Malkin.
* Our neo-nazi tendencies push us to anti-Semitism, but we're also working on Zionist conspiracies to fight wars solely to benefit Israel.
* Walker: Texas Ranger was canceled years ago.
* Illegal immigrants are stealing our jobs (personally, I have tons of bills to pay for my college education in electrical engineering, so how can I compete with Pedro hanging out by the Radio Shack who will design custom Power-On Reset circuits for $2.00 an hour?).
* We got Halliburton the illegal wars it wanted, but it's yet to deliver on the cheap oil.
All of that combined can lead to quite a bit of hostility, and, subconsciously, that could seep into our humor, our jokes revealing our violent intentions. How can we tell, though?
Obviously, Digby and maha lack any sort of science background to definitively detect latent hostility hiding in humor. Luckily, you have me, and there is no one more scientifical than Frank J.
Now, I contacted the humor department at Carnegie Mellon University (it's an actual university; Google it), and they happen to have specific studies on hostility in humor. It is essential to note that humor is hostile by nature. While it feels good to laugh at something, it feels horrible to be laughed at. Studies have shown that being laughed at activates the same centers of the brain as when one is threatened with a gun (That particular study was done by having some people connected to a brain monitor and then having the entire staff come in the room and laugh at the people for how dumb they looked with all that equipment attached to them. The other test case had people connected to the brain monitor and told they were going to view a series of pictures, but instead Samuel L. Jackson runs into a room, points a gun at the subject, and recites a stylized version of Ezekiel 25:17. The control case had people connected to the brain monitor and just forgotten about until they got angry and left.).
To measure hostility in humor, the Franken Scale is used. It's a linear scale for signifying the amount of latent hostility in a joke and ranges from 1 (no hostility) to 10 ("My name is Ted Rall."). Before we use the Franken Scale on the right-wing humor in question, let's use it on some simple examples so you can familiarize yourself with it. First, let's start with a joke common among many children:
Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
The intent of this joke is to cause the person told to over think what is a simple matter by misdirection through the superfluous mention of a chicken. The humor, thus, is at the expense of the listener to the joke (when measuring hostility, it's important to be sure where the hostility in the joke is directed). Basically, the message of the joke is that you are so stupid you don't know the basic concept of why one crosses a road. That's a somewhat hostile commentary on one's intelligence, but it doesn't directly mean the teller of the joke intends violence in addition to contempt. Thus, this scores a 3 on the Franken scale.
Now, let's look at another common childhood joke:
Now this joke is directed at Vice President Cheney. While it does involve a shotgun blast, that itself is not a marker of hostility (we're concerned if the teller is actually contemplating violence himself, not just talking about it). What the joke is saying is that VP Cheney is so unstable that he'll blast you in the face with a shotgun at the drop of a hat. Someone that unstable would obviously need to be locked away if not shot himself, thus this implies a fair amount of hostility at our VP and gets a 5 on the Franken Scale.
For the next joke, let's use a variation of the first that my father came up with:
Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
Of course, the joke here is at the expense of the filthy, vermin raccoons you always see dead at the side of the road after they became a temporary speed bump. The humor expresses glee at their ignominious demise, but, since it's directed at raccoons, this doesn't count as real hostility and thus this joke rates a 1 on the Franken Scale.
As one last example, let's look at another common childhood joke:
Q. What's black and white and red all over?
Again, this joke is at the expense of who is listening to it. The humor comes from misdirection, getting the listener to think of the color "red" instead of the verb "read." Thus, the message is, "I can control your thinking, you simple piece of @#$%. I can mind-@#$% you in ways you can't even imagine!" Still, it's really just a pun, and would rank a 2 on the Franken Scale except that it's Hitler's favorite joke which bumps it up to a 7.
There is only one joke here using a common phrase ("some assembly required") to whimsically advocate lynching journalists. Now, on the surface, this is very hostile, but, is it latently hostile - does the one making this remark really wish to kill? Well, since it is a joke, that means the idea of actually killing journalists is so extreme it's funny. What is more likely that the joker only dislikes journalist enough to harm them in a lesser way (perhaps a punch to the groin) and then engages in hyperbole to get a laugh. This is clearly a 4 on the Franken Scale.
Now let's look at the other shirt that was designed by me, the Know Thy Enemy: Liberals shirt that is unfortunately out of print:
Before we get to the individual items, let's look at the hostility of the shirt as a whole. It states that liberals are "enemies" which could be hostile unless the items show that to be completely in jest. Also, the humor items are very non-hostilely bullet-pointed so everyone knows where each joke begins and ends. A problem with many liberals is not understanding what is a joke, which especially happens with things like my editorials where not every statement is meant to be humorous. The bulleted joke system is much more accommodating and non-hostile in nature.
On to the bulleted jokes:
* The main diet of the liberal is tofu and granola. This makes them puny and easy to throw.
Throwing someone is an extreme dominance behavior. The message sent when you throw someone is, "I'm big enough to throw you." Next time your dog acts up, try throwing him. He will be much more compliant now that you've asserted such dominance.
Asserting dominance is not hostility, though. In fact, it's quite the opposite. One asserts dominance so that one may control a person and move him in a safer direction. So, while throwing by itself is quite hostile, the act of throwing is a caring gesture in this context. This joke thus ranks a 4 on the Franken Scale.
* Liberals will try to entice you with their twisted logic. Counter with a bitch slap.
Now, it's important to note the words used. A slap, even if it's a bitch-slap, suggests slight pain without harm. Here, it is implied to be a corrective measure. While inflicting pain is hostile, wanting to correct someone is caring. This ranks a 2 on the Franken Scale.
* Hanging a picture of Ronald Reagan over your door will keep liberals from entering.
This one is important, so pay attention. While nothing in the joke itself is of a hostile nature (I'd hardly consider hammering in a nail to hang a picture 'hostile'), the latent hostility underlying this joke is extreme. Ronald Reagan was a great man who ended the Cold War. Anyone who would be scared of Reagan would have to be a terrible fiend - hideous and almost inhuman. This sort of joke would clearly justifies killing liberals by painting them as such wretches, and thus it is a 9 on the Franken Scale.
* Liberals are against nuclear weapons but have yet to suggest a soy-based substitute that can obliterate cities.
This joke simply implies that liberals are too stupid to understand the importance of nuclear weapons. Implying stupidity always means a bit of hostility, so this gets a 3 on the Franken Scale.
* If you see a fuel-efficient car, it's probably being driven by a liberal. Run it off the road with your SUV.
Again, ignore the conspicuously stated act of violence (running a car off the road) and look what lies beneath. Saying someone drives a fuel-efficient car is a direct swipe at a person's manhood. That's demeaning, but no real hostility or violence comes along with that. The act of driving the car off the road in this context is again a corrective measure and limits the hostility. This is a 2 on the Franken Scale.
* Liberals are constantly inflaming the culture war. They seem to forget which side has all the guns.
A joke about someone's forgetfulness is as bland as they come, and saying someone is forgetful by no stretch implies a person should be harmed. This is clearly a 1 on the Franken Scale.
* The most dangerous predator of liberals is the real world. They hide from it in college campuses.
This, admittedly, is simply and observation and not a joke. Thus, the Franken Scale doesn't even apply.
* Inspired by rhyming slogans and giant puppets, liberals sometimes congregate into groups known as "protests." The purpose of these is unknown.
Here it is implied that liberals engage in strange, foreign behavior. This is extremely hostile in nature as it's perfectly legal and reasonable to shoot foreigners. This is a 7 on the Franken Scale.
* Liberals are always whining about tolerance, but when I punch them for that, they get moody. Hey, be tolerant!
This joke uses a "punch" instead of a "slap" as in the earlier joke, and a punch implies pain with some minor injury. Still, the punch is desired to correct whiny behavior, so the joke again shows caring towards liberals. On the other hand, it ends with an exclamation point, and those are hostile. This gets a 3 on the Franken Scale.
So, at least looking at these shirts, right-wing humor can involve some hostility. Perhaps, in the future, I and others should use more analysis using the Franken Scale to make sure our jokes do not incite violence.
For our next exercise, I'll need someone to find some humor from a liberal blog to analyze. The humor item should be a bulleted or numbered list for two reasons:
1. As stated before, bullets or numbers tell me where each joke begins and ends so I don't have to figure that out for myself.
Until the next lecture: Be honorable, ronin.
April 26, 2006
Posted by Frank J. at 10:52 PM
I don't usually blog my personal life, but I thought this was funny. Talking about all this recent hullabaloo, I turned to my wife and said whimsically, "People are saying I have a 'hostile' sense of humor."
Then SarahK pointed out that as I made the statement, I was chambering a round into my carry pistol.
In My World: Snow Day
Posted by Frank J. at 12:37 PM
"It's time for you to get to work, Snowman. By the way, that's your new nickname," President Bush told Tony Snow. "Nobody likes me anymore, but you have to spin things so everybody thinks I'm the super-coolest person ever. And you have to convince all the press to only write nice things about me. So you do a good job or you'll end up like Scott McClellan - fat!"
"I'll do what I can," Tony answered, "but you try and stay out of trouble. I don't want this job to be any harder than it already is."
"Hey, trouble is my middle name!" Bush answered and then thought for a moment. "Wait, my middle name starts with a 'w'. What is it? Wilhelm?"
"Just focus on not screwing anything up and I'll handle the press," Tony assured him. He then headed out to the press room where all the reporters were waiting.
"So, are you the new White House Press Secretary?" a reporter asked.
"First off," Tony stated, "I'm already a hundred times the journalist of all you hacks added together, so, instead of answering your moronic queries, I'm just going to state everything you need to know and you'll jot it all down and report that. Are we clear?"
"Mr. Snow, we need--" a reporter started to say, but then screamed in pain as he fell to the ground.
"Now, one thing you need to know," Tony said, "is that I can now shock you through your press passes. This wasn't my idea; it was done by Homeland Security. Now, on to politics. While there are many troubles in Iraq, it's going much better than you shills report. Progress is being made daily. With Iran, many options are being looked at, but nothing has been decided on. Finally, the Democrats are all morons and you waste time reporting on anything they do or say. I think that covers everything."
"What about how Karl Rove will be--" A horde of screaming demons crashed through the ceiling, grabbed the reporter, and flew off.
"It should be mentioned," Tony said, "that questions about Karl Rove will cause screeching demons to come after you. That's out of my hands."
"And there are also reports that secret police are taking away anyone who questions the White House," a reporter stated. "What is your reaction?"
Some men in black ran into the room, grabbed the reporter, and dragged her away.
"Next question," Tony said in a bored voice.
"War murder and oil because Bush bad!" Helen Thomas cackled.
Tony Snow made a motion to some men in white in the back of the room. They came forward and gently walked Helen Thomas out of the press room.
"Are they taking her to a nursing home?" a reporter asked.
"That or they're going to tie her up and leave her in an abandoned warehouse," Tony answered. "Either way, I don't care."
A truck crashed through the side of the room. "Trouble, Tony!" Bush yelled as he got out of the driver seat. "I may have just been involved in an armed robbery and this truck may or may nor be stolen. Anyway, spin it all to make it sound good."
"I thought we agreed you'd avoid misadventures until your polls are up!" Tony said.
Bush opened the back of the truck. "I tried; really, I did." A bunch of Mexicans came out the back.
"Are you smuggling Mexicans across the border?" Tony asked.
"The less you know, the better." Bush started dousing the truck in gasoline. "I'm going to take care of the evidence; you continue with your press conference."
"I want you all to ignore the scene over there and focus on me," Tony commanded the press. "I'm going to use this blackboard behind me to give you all a lecture on good journalism... since you guys really need it. Let's get started."
"I don't need to be lectured about journalism from someone from FOX News!" Daivd Gregory shouted. "I'm David Gregory! I--" David Gregory burst into flames.
"By the way," Tony said, "the electrified press passes have a few kinks in them and sometimes explode. Then again, maybe that's more of a feature than a bug."
Panicked, Gregory ran into the truck setting it on fire.
"Since this room is starting to burn down," one reporter said, "can we skip the lecture?"
"That might be smart. Oh, and I should tell you that, as part of the deal of the White House hiring me, FOX is filming this all for a reality show. So, if in the future, you find the press room filled with snakes or you get locked in an underground bunker, I warned you."
The reporters fled the room.
"Good job for your first day," Bush said. "So, what now?"
Tony looked at the burning truck. "I think I'm going to a bar."
"There's a list of nearest bars in your 'Welcome to the White House Staff' basket." Bush looked around the room which was all quickly catching fire. "This isn't going to burn itself out, is it?"
April 25, 2006
Know Thy Enemy: Illegal Immigrants
Posted by Frank J. at 01:06 PM
Illegal immigrants are everywhere and completely illegal! Something must be done, but even President Bush doesn't seem to be handling this issue. Thus, I had my crack research staff find out all they can on these immigrants who are illegal.
FUN FACTS ABOUT ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS
* The first illegal immigrants to America were the Indians who came and claimed they had been here all along and that we were stealing the land from them. What a bunch of hooey. Still, we were nice and gave them blankets.
* Most illegal immigrants are Mexicans. There are other illegal immigrants, but, for all intents and purposes, we don't care.
* Well, we care about the terrorists sneaking in. In some ways, they're even worse than Mexicans trying to take our bean-picking jobs.
* Illegal immigrants do the jobs Americans don't want to do like clean toilets, pick vegetables, and run Mexican restaurants.
* One of the problems with illegal immigration is that Mexico is right next to us making it so easy. There have been some suggestions to move Mexico farther away like to Europe or something.
* We also have a large open border with Canada, but there isn't as big an illegal immigration problem since Canadians are too cold and too dumb to sneak over here.
* Illegal immigrants want to steal your job. If you see an immigrant trying to take your job, check his papers. If everything is in order, well, I guess you just should have worked harder.
* One of the reasons America gets so many illegal immigrants is that America just kicks so much ass. Only Democrats have offered any plans on tackling that issue.
* President Bush has a plan to help illegal immigrants that, despite how it looks, he says is not amnesty. Instead, he assures us that it is just "a general pardon granted by a government."
* A group of citizens called the Minutemen are fighting illegal immigration but have been condemned as vigilantes for "taking the law into their own hands." When ICE was asked why they don't just do the job the Minutemen are doing, they said they don't want to be vigilantes either.
* There would be less illegal immigration if the Mexican government did more to prevent it such as making sure their country doesn't suck so much. We should totally bomb Mexico’s entire infrastructure to teach the Mexicans to stay in their country and enjoy it.
* If you suspect someone to be a Mexican, immediately throw a bag over his head and deport him.
* A Mexican may claim he is here legally. That just the sort of lies illegal immigrants would use. Throw a bag over his head and deport him.
* Some may say that throwing bags over Mexicans' heads is xenophobic. That's a weird crazy word. Throw a bag over the head and deport anyone who says it.
* If a properly documented immigrant comes into a restaurant and starts shooting up the place, that not an illegal immigrant; that's an immigrant doing something illegal which is completely different. He is also probably Italian.
* Some theories on why there are so many illegal immigrants from Mexico is, since Americans love Mexican food so much, Mexicans interpreted that as we really liking Mexicans as well. No, we only like your food.
* Some say we should crack down on businesses that employ illegal immigrants, but businesses are already too noisy about employees. Do you know that the last place that hired me actually asked for my social security number? The nerve!
* It may be hard to spot illegal immigrants, but sometimes they assemble in large groups waving Mexican flags to make it easy. Get those bags to throw over their heads ready!
* It's merely an urban legend that, if an illegal immigrant bites you, you become one.
* In a fight between illegal immigrants and Aquaman, illegal immigrants would protect the seas for only $1.75 an hour leaving Aquaman to get a job selling bananas on the beach.
* Illegal immigrants may try to vote! Don't let them! If they do, they'll probably vote that there shouldn't be a crackdown on illegal immigrants. That's so self-serving they could be Democrats.
* Many people refer to illegal immigrants as "undocumented workers." Why are they undocumented, though? Because they're super illegal, that's why!
* Warning: The nanny you hired who works for cheap could be an illegal immigrant. She could also be your ex-husband dressed as a woman.
* Democrats have always pandered to illegal immigrants, but even many Republicans don't want to crack down on illegal immigration for fear of losing the Latino vote. As we all know, every Latino is for criminal activity in all its forms.
* Some people say they came here illegally because it's too hard to get into America legally. But I'm here legally, and I don't remember having any trouble. It was very painful for my mom, though.
UPDATE: Some people have said it would be too expensive to move Mexico, but I think it's manageable if we hire cheap, Mexican labor to do it.
April 24, 2006
We Need a War for Oil
An Editorial by Frank J.
Posted by Frank J. at 11:07 AM
I filled up my SUV this weekend, and, after seeing the bill, my immediate reaction was, "Someone must die for this!" After a little thought, I knew who should die: foreigners. Foreigners with oil.
We need a war for oil.
"If our military can't keep us from being forced to drive gay little cars, then what exactly are all these gasoline taxes going towards?"
Supposedly, our previous incursion into the Middle East were about oil, but it hasn't looked that way. Unlike all this establishing democracy hooey, a real war for oil would follow a much simpler mission plan: We go in, we kill lots of people, and we take all the oil. Also, we would know for certain when the mission is accomplished; if we have all the oil, we're done.
Would it just be easier to drive a hybrid instead of having all this killing? No, it wouldn't, because hybrids are gay. If our military can't keep us from being forced to drive gay little cars, then what exactly are all these gasoline taxes going towards? You better not tell me poor people, because I did not get an SUV to help the poor. It should be obvious that our military must be deployed with the sole purpose of stealing all the oil worth getting our hands on. It is a risk of lives, but I risk lives everyday I drive my SUV anyway.
Now, there are a number of ways to take all that oil. My suggestion is to make big tripod robots like in War of the Worlds, but they'll suck oil out of the ground instead of blood out of people (cars don't run on blood). This may be a bit too extravagant, though. The simplest idea is too simply rush towards the oil fields in tanks killing everyone we see and then securing the oil fields with big walls and minefields and signs that say, "Americans Only." We'll then airlift the oil so we don't have to deal with any people around there. You may be worried that children could step on the landmines, but I'm not since I hate children. Getting blown up will teach them to be small and dumb. I hope monkeys step on mines too.
Will America stealing all the oil in the Middle East anger the people there? Of course, but who cares. Since we'll have all their oil, they won't have any gasoline to get near us. What are they going to do? Fill a truck with bombs, put it in neutral, and push it towards us? That's pathetic. The most they'll do is get as close to our walled in oil fields and shout epithets at us. Then we can shout back, "Don't you guys have anything better to do? Like losing a war to tiny country full of Jews?"
So there is what needs to be done. I want war war war until gas is down to a buck a gallon, and I'm the taxpayer, so I get what I want. People didn't need to die for this, but a bunch of Muslims didn't need to live where all our oil is either.
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us. He is also the author of such books as "If You Don't Want to Die, Stand Away from that Oil" and "Diplomacy Is a Failure of War".
April 23, 2006
UC Santa Cruz "Comfort Brigade" Recruiters Welcomed on Campus
Posted by Harvey at 06:55 PM
(CAUTION: Due to mature themes, reader discretion is advised)
Although Michelle Malkin (whose right to be both a woman and a minority I fully support) has done an excellent job covering the UC Santa Cruz protests against on-campus Army recruiters, she missed the story on the sidelines.
Concerned that soldiers in Iraq might not be getting sufficient "female companionship" from the local burkha-babes, a number of young, enthusiastic, and horizontally-accessible co-eds were on hand to recruit new members for the Army's "Comfort Brigade".
"A lot of organizations exist that will forward care packages to soldiers in need", said Senior Amanda Huginkiss, "but we know darn well that those brave men on the front lines have other, more urgent needs as well, and we won't get off our backs until those needs are met."
Although many apply, not all are chosen. Only the most nubile and flexible of the volunteers will pass the rigorous screenings.
The recruitment drive provoked its own protests, though. Mostly ugly guys with hygiene issues who realized with dawning horror what the loss of the campus's loosest women would mean to them.
Idiots like this were largely ignored, however, as most people preferred to ogle the Comfort Brigade Veteran's Parade.
Best of all, the Comfort Brigade's activities completely erased the efforts of the UCSC radical anti-war nuts by actually causing an increase in on-campus recruiting.
But with all the hype and breathless promises flying around during the Comfort Brigade's recruitment drive, the discerning reader will still pause to ask the most important question of all: Can the Comfort Brigade really bring all the spine-tingling satisfaction that our soldiers so desperately need?
Just ask #1535.
April 22, 2006
April 20, 2006
Frank J., White House Press Secretary
Posted by Frank J. at 12:47 PM
Since you guys want it:
FRANK: Hi, I'm Frank J., and I'm the new White House Press Secretary. I'm already pissed about my work commute, so let's not push me. Anyway, I don't feel like answering questions, so I'm just going to read from my Ninja FAQ. You guys probably won't get most of the jokes, so I'll motion with my hand thusly when you're supposed to laugh.
REPORTER: What do ninjas have to do with Iran?
FRANK: Okay, I thought I spoke slowly and clearly enough for you guys to understand. Maybe I should just dangle some keys to keep you guys entertained.
REPORTER: We're not dumb. We're journalist and... are you playing videogames.
REPORTER: Mr. J!
FRANK: Constarnit! Great, I just died. I hope you guys are happy. What's so important it couldn't wait until I was at a save point?
REPORTER: We have questions about Iran?
FRANK: Really? Iran has been around a long time, so I don't see why anyone would still have questions. Try looking it up on Wikipedia.
REPORTER: We mean questions about the Bush administration's policy towards Iran.
FRANK: They don't like Iran.
REPORTER: That's not a policy.
FRANK: Says you.
REPORTER: Is anything planned to stop Iran?
FRANK: Yeah... there's like a tactical nuclear strike planned for this afternoon... threeish, I think.
REPORTER: ARE WE REALLY ENTERING A NUCLEAR WAR AND...
FRANK: That was a joke! You guys are dense. Anyhoo, Link has some important quests to complete, so could you all be quiet for a few minutes.
REPORTER: Can't you do that later?
FRANK: No. My wife doesn't let me play videogames at home, so this is my only time. Now, quiet!
REPORTER: I have a question about the generals denouncing Rumsfeld.
FRANK: Fine! I guess I'll never get to play videogames again. What's your stupid moron question?
REPORTER: What is the White House's reaction to the generals calling for Donald Rumsfeld's resignation?
FRANK: What generals?
REPORTER: You know; the one that have been reported on the news and...
FRANK: No generals have talked to me.
REPORTER: Yes, but...
FRANK: If it were important, they'd talk to me. People know you talk to Frank J. when you want things done. If it's unimportant, they'd talk to you idiots. Next question.
SARAHK: What do you want for dinner tonight?
FRANK: I keep telling you I hate that question. Just make something. Next question.
REPORTER: Recently, a number of undocumented workers have...
FRANK: Let me explain how this works again: you are trying to get information from me. That means you make short interrogative sentences and I do the monologing, not you. Got it?
REPORTER: It's just...
FRANK: Shh! You know, I went to college specifically so I would never have to interact with idiots like you people. Anyway, I'm guessing you have some query on illegal immigration policy. President Bush supports illegal immigrants coming into this country to do unskilled labor such as picking beans, cleaning toilets, and holding mikes while asking inane questions. Pedro, you had a question?
PEDRO: My name is Pedro.
FRANK: Not a question, but keep working on the English. Okay, I'm going to cut things off now because I want to head home before I get stuck in the rush hour traffic on the Beltway. If I didn't answer everything, just make stuff up like you normally do; people never listen to you guys anyway. Also, I brought a wolverine with me, but he disappeared somewhere in the pressroom. If you encounter him, please shout out.
April 19, 2006
In My World: Cutting the Fat
Posted by Frank J. at 12:43 PM
"Numerous retired generals have called for your resignation," a reporter said to Donald Rumsfeld. "How do you respond to this?"
"Why would I respond to the opinions of a couple retired generals?" Rumsfeld demanded angrily. He then said in a mocking voice, "'Ooh! I'm too old for war so I'm going to retire!' Back in my day, generals stayed on until they died in battle. I have no use for the words of those who wimped out."
"So, have you put any thought towards resigning?" asked another reporter.
"Your questions annoy me!" Rumsfeld shouted. "I have decided to kill you all violently! Rarr!"
* * * *
"Blood does not come out!" President Bush whined. "That's it. I'm not buying you new suits every time the reporters annoy you."
"Rarr!" Rumsfeld yelled and punched a hole in the wall.
"Fine. We'll pay for a new suit. Calm down."
"And more cruise missiles!"
"Okay. That too."
Rumsfeld stormed off just as Scott McClellan came running toward Bush. "What's the matter, fatty fat fat?" Bush asked.
"The key to my office doesn't seem to work anymore." Scott led Bush to a door and was unable to get the key to fit.
"Are you sure that's your office?" Bush said. "It doesn't have your name on it."
Scott looked at the door. "Where did my nameplate go?"
"Let's not worry on little things like that." Bush held up a piece of paper and a pen. "Now sign this."
"What is it?"
"It's... uh... a bill. It needs a signature."
"But you're the one who is supposed to sign bills."
"Then it's a... uh... petition." Bush shoved the pen at Scott. "Now, sign!"
"How could this be a petition? There's only one line for a signature." Scott grabbed the document. "Hey! This is a letter of resignation! You're trying to get rid of me!"
"That's just crazy," Bush said. "You're a crazy person, and there is no reasoning with you. I have to go talk to job applicants."
* * * *
"I sure you all have a lot of questions about Rumsfeld and Iran," Scott told the White House Press Corps, "so let's get started."
"Why announce your resignation now?" a reporter asked. "Is it because you finally realized your tubby and no one likes you?"
Scott looked confused. "I'm not announcing my resignation."
"You say you're leaving to spend more time with your family," said another reporter, "but isn't it true your family doesn't like you either?"
"No. I need this job to have money to feed my family," Scott said with worry.
To the side, Bush appeared with Tony Snow. Bush pointed at Scott. "That's where you'll stand." He then pointed to the press. "Those are the morons you'll have to placate."
"Are you replacing me?" Scott shouted.
"Do I have to deal with that tubby goober there with this job?" Tony asked.
"No," Bush answered, "Just shove him out of the way."
Tony walked over and knocked Scott to the ground.
"Ow!" Scott yelled. "You're going to get a loyalty problem with stuff like this."
"So what would I do with these people?" Tony asked Bush as he looked at the press. "They look dumb."
"Just distract them with shiny things and use big words to confuse them. I don't know any big words, so you'll have to get those from other people."
"Why are you considering someone from FOX News for the position of White House Press Secretary?" a reporter asked.
"You try and answer that for me," Bush told Tony.
"FOX News is a great pool of talent," Tony said to the press. "The station was founded when polls revealed that the American people prefer reporters and anchors who aren't full of crap."
"Good answer," Bush said.
"I never got praise," Scott whined, still lying on the ground.
"If you're getting someone from FOX News, why wasn't I considered?" FOX News reporter Melinda Hawkish asked angrily.
"Because you're mean!" Bush yelled.
"I'm surprised you didn't consider an illegal immigrant as a cheaper alternative," she shot back.
"Who says I didn't!"
"What's this stack of bricks for?" Tony asked Bush.
"If a question is too dumb, just throw one of those at a reporter's head. Go ahead and try it."
Tony chucked a brick at the press. "Ow! My cranium!" one shouted.
"What do I do if I run out of bricks?"
Bush opened a panel on the podium revealing a hidden button. "Just press this and a heavy narcotic is released into the press which will cause them all to be very happy and easy to manipulate."
"You never showed me that secret button!" Scott said.
"Quiet, tubby; you've talked enough." Bush turned to Tony. "So, if you take the job, I'll throw in a blank signed pardon. You can use it to get anyone off of anything... no matter how heinous the crime."
"I can't believe you're replacing me," Scott grumbled. "Will you at least help me get a new job?"
"I will use the full power of my presidency to get you a new occupation," Bush assured him.
* * * *
"Can I get fries with that?"
Scott groaned. "No. This is Taco Bell."
"What can I get?"
Scott adjusted his paper hat. "Tacos."
Conservatives Think It's Okay to Be a Woman and a Minority
Posted by Frank J. at 08:57 AM
Liberals hate people with different viewpoints, and, even more so, they hate people who look different from them. They save their strongest attacks for people who express conservative viewpoints while being either a woman or a minority since they just hate women and minorities so much. Michelle Malkin made the mistake of being both a woman and a minority, and has thus gotten a great amount of noxious hate mail through the years for what liberals perceive to be a crime of the highest order.
It's time to take a stand. Thus many blogs now display this banner:
SUPPORTERS OF MICHELLE MALKIN'S RIGHT TO BE A WOMAN AND A MINORITY
Conservatives think it's okay to be a woman or a minority. We even think it's okay to be both and will not attack someone for that. While many prefer that people express opinions only while being a Caucasian male, we think it's okay to be a woman and/or a minority while stating your views. Thus, we all stand against dumb honky cracker liberals using slurs against Michelle Malkin, and we hope you're brave enough to take that stand as well.
UPDATE: List has been updated with more supporters.
April 17, 2006
The Only Strategically Viable Option Right Now Is to Construct a Death Star
An Editorial by Frank J.
Posted by Frank J. at 11:59 AM
America has tried many things to get a strategic advantage over its enemies - stealth fighters, missile defense, bombs that cause a place to be swarmed with monkeys - yet we are still threatened by insurgents, Iran, and poofy-haired Koreans. Given an honest assessment of the global situation, it should be obvious to everyone that we should construct a Death Star.
"That's no moon! That's a space station!" people will exclaim, soon followed by them saying, "Wait; that's just the moon." That's because they won't see us construct the Death Star since we will do it behind the moon. No one will find out about our plans since, after we claimed ownership of the moon by putting our flag on it, we also put up a "Trespassers Will Be Shot" sign. You may wonder if we currently have the scientific capabilities to make a planet-destroying space station. This is a legitimate concern, but I'm pretty sure we know how to construct a large metal sphere, so we might as well start with that while we figure out the giant laser. I'm pretty sure that part involves the noble gas argon or something, but I'll have to look that up. The other concern people might have is, unlike the movie version, will we install railings along the numerous bottomless pits in our giant space station? While it is a legitimate safety issue, this would add an estimated 0.01% to the cost, so it would have to be run by the DOD budget committee.
"Now, people of the world, dance for our amusement. DANCE!"
OSHA compliant or not, when our Death Star is complete, we will then move it out from behind the moon into view of all. It will probably be a good idea to have a big American flag painted on the front before we do this as we don't want Argentina claiming it's their Death Start and threatening everybody. Once our new weapon is in view of all, the President should then come on TV and explain it to everyone. "We have constructed a planet-destroying space station for the purpose of peace. We, the great United States of America, swear we will only use it for the betterment of all mankind. Now, people of the world, dance for our amusement. DANCE!"
The question arises of what should we use our Death Star on. Its purpose is to destroy planets, but the only planet of any strategic interest is Earth where there happens to be all our cities and football stadiums. Thus, we probably don't want to blow that up. We could hit another planet to demonstrate our power, though, and I think the best candidate is Venus. Even though it is closer than Mars, no one is proposing a mission to Venus because that planet just sucks too much. Also, Venus is about the same size as Earth, so, if we blow it up, people will believe we also have the ability to blow up Earth if so angered. I say, soon after we unveil our super-weapon, we blow up Venus so people understand we have a fully-operational Death Star. The President can go on TV and say, "Your 'morning star' is no more. Now, make sure you all act in the interest of America and nothing else will have to meet an unfortunate demise."
The world should be scared into being peaceful for a while, but eventually some nutty little nation is going to try our patience. The President should then announce, "America has been angered! Fire up the Death Star!" As the super-laser is charging, everyone should quiet down. Then we can cancel the firing and the President will say, "We have decided not to destroy the Earth... for now." This should work four to six times until people are convinced we're bluffing. Then we'll have to be more active such as firing lasers that just barely miss the Earth and maybe blowing up the moon in our anger. After years of peace, at some point, though, people will just get used to the idea of a giant space station floating above them and no longer be scared that we'll actually do anything. When this happens, our only choice will be to come up with a new weapon to threaten our enemies with or to actually blow up the Earth.
But we can cross that bridge when we reach it. Begin construction of the Death Star!
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us. He is also the author of such books as "Everything I Needed to Know About Diplomacy I Learned from Emperor Palpatine" and "Killing Terrorists Through Applied Quantum Physics".
Fly It High and Intact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:21 AM
On the way into the office complex I'm currently working at, I noticed two American flags flying here that are torn and frayed. As far as I see it, there is no excuse to fly a damaged American flag unless you are currently being shelled by British ships and are just keeping the flag up to prove a point to any poetic lawyer who might be observing the situation.
Fix your flags, people!
April 12, 2006
In My World: Too Many Mexicans!
Posted by Frank J. at 11:25 AM
"Yet another grand day of me being in charge of the world," President Bush said as he looked out the window of the White House. He then saw a new building next to his labeled "El Casa Blanca."
"What the--" Bush exclaimed as he quickly headed out of the White House to check it out. "That better be a new Mexican eatery!"
Bush went over and knocked on the door. A Mexican answered. "Who are you?"
"I'm the President of the United States, and you better explain yourself!"
"I'm Pedro, and I'm now the President! People voted for Pedro, so now I'm President and this is the new White House!" A number of Mexicans behind him yelled, "Yeah!"
"What?!" Bush exclaimed as he entered the building. "You can't be President! I'm President! You're breaking the law!"
"We're illegal immigrants, and your laws don't mean nothing to us, gringo!"
"Yeah!" the other Mexicans yelled.
"You don't treat us right," Pedro continued, "so we'll take what we want!"
"Yeah!" the other Mexicans yelled.
"But I've capitulated on this issue!" Bush whined. "If I capitulate anymore, I'll have to reregister as a Democrat!"
"Too bad! We want more! We want more respect and free money and beer and an XBox!"
"XBox 360!" another Mexican corrected Pedro.
"Yeah!" the other Mexicans yelled.
"An XBox 360!" Bush shouted. "That's completely unreasonable!"
"Well, you better all do as we say," Pedro answered, "or who will pick your beans?"
"Yeah!" the other Mexicans yelled.
"Well, obviously not you people," Bush said, "because you're all just sitting around here watching Telemundo and drinking beer."
"Shut up!" Pedro yelled. "And get out of our White House!"
"Yeah!" the other Mexicans yelled.
"Fine." Bush turned to leave, but he couldn't open the door.
"That door keeps getting stuck," Pedro said. "You really have to give it a good pull."
"Yeah!" the other Mexicans yelled.
Bush gave the other Mexicans an odd look.
"They don't speak English," Pedro explained. "I'm just told them to shout 'Yeah' to anything I say when talking to gringos."
"Yeah!" the other Mexicans yelled.
"Well, I don't care how much 'Si' men you have, there is only room enough for..." Bush started laughing. "Oh man; did you hear what I just said?"
Pedro laughed too. "That was funny, man."
"Anyway, there's only room enough for one President of the United States in this town!" Bush then stormed off.
"When we see you again," Pedro shouted, "you better have an X-Box for us!"
* * * *
"We have too many Mexicans now, and we have to do something about it," Bush stated. "Capitulation didn't work, so we need another solution."
"More capitulation?" White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan suggested.
"You're only allowed to take notes, tubby!" Bush shouted. "No talking! Anyone else?"
"We have to make it clear to the American people that we hate Latinos," Vice President Cheney said.
"But we don't hate Latinos," Bush answered. "We just don't like having illegal immigration."
"But I do hate Latinos!" Cheney turned to Attorney General Alberto Gonzales. "I hate you!"
"Go @#$% yourself!" Alberto replied.
"You stole my catch phrase, you thieving bandito!" Cheney leapt across the table at Alberto.
"Just remember how Texas was founded," Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld suggested. "It was founded by shooting Mexicans. We need to shoot Mexicans!"
"We're not shooting Mexicans!" Bush answered. He then turned to Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice. "You're the diplomat; what do you think we should do?"
Condi didn't hear him, as she was busy listening to a tape and repeating Spanish phrases.
"Fine," Bush said, "I'm calling the Mexican President." Bush picked up the phone and dialed a number.
"Hola! El Presidente Vicente Fox speaking."
"Hey, Vicki, come get your Mexicans!" Bush yelled.
"No! If they want to come to America, who am I to stop them?"
"If you were a better President and fixed the economy, they wouldn't want to leave Mexico."
"Yes, but just letting them leave to reduce unemployment is much easier than fixing the stupid economy."
Bush growled. "You may be better than your predecessor, but you're still a lousy president."
"Whatever. Anyway, I make pottery in my spare time. You want to buy some?"
"Come on, Dubya; you used to be cool. Buy some pottery."
* * * *
Vicente Fox stood out on a balcony to address his people. "I have just talked to the American President, and he said that America hates Mexico and Mexicans... and then he insulted my pottery! You all know what to do!"
"Let's move to America!" everyone shouted.
"That will teach him to not buy my pottery!" Vicente laughed to himself.
* * * *
"We used to be called the INS," an older ICE agent explained to a rookie, "but now we're called ICE."
He paused for a moment as they watched thousands of Mexicans run across the border.
He turned back to the rookie. "Anyway, sometimes I still accidentally say INS. Old habits die hard."
* * * *
"Stupid gringo president," Vicente grumbled to himself. "I can send as many Mexicans as I want into America." He walked onto his balcony. "So who is best president?" he called out.
There was no answer. Vicente looked about and saw nothing but a tumbleweed moving through the city.
"Hola? Any Mexicans left?"
An older woman wearing a sun hat and a camera around her neck walked into view. "My name is Doris, and I came here for the tourism but can't find any tour guides or any waiters. Can you give me a tour?"
"Hey, you want to be a Mexican citizen?" Vicente asked hopefully.
Vicente hung his head. "No one wants to be a Mexican citizen."
* * * *
"The White House is full of Mexicans!" Bush exclaimed as he looked at everyone hanging out in White House drinking tequila and throwing burrito wrappers everywhere. The phone then rang. "This better be about the Mexicans!" Bush answered.
"It is!" Vicente replied. "There's no one left in Mexico for me to be president of! Even the chupacabra is gone!"
"The chupacabra is here!" Bush exclaimed. He then turned to his wife. "Honey, make sure our goats still have blood!"
"Please send me back some of my citizens!" Vicente pleaded.
"I'll try." Bush hung up and looked to the interlopers. "Hey, Mexicans, your president says you have to go home now."
"But we like it here," Pedro answered as he took something out of Bush's living room.
"That's my XBox 360!" Bush yelled.
"Not anymore, gringo," Pedro said as he and his friends left.
"Aww, this has worked out horrible," Bush groaned. "Vicki has no citizens to rule, and I have no XBox 360. We're both miserable."
"This should be a lesson to you," Laura Bush said, taking a break from picking up the burrito wrappers. "When you capitulate on an issue, no one is happy."
"The guys who took my XBox are happy."
"Well... sometimes lessons are complicated."
Bush stood up with a look of resolve. "I'm going to go throw a rock through one of their windows!" He marched off.
Laura sighed and went back to picking up burrito wrappers. "Yeah, that'll solve it."
April 11, 2006
Time to Put the Rumors to Rest
Posted by Frank J. at 09:13 AM
NASA has announced a plan to crash a probe into the moon with a collision so violent it should be visible from earth. I don't want people misinterpreting the purpose of this mission. I know many you think that, just because I'm a paid consultant to both NASA and the DOD for this project that was authorized by the President and is being overlooked by the Secretary of Defense, think that this mission is a precursor to "nuking the moon." That idea is so insane, it's crazy. The mission, as stated, is to simply find water.
"Why is a huge collision needed to find water?" you may ask.
Well, when looking for water, you want to give it a 110%. That means a huge explosion.
And why do we need moon water?
Yes, it may seem like we have plenty of water here on earth since two-thirds of the planet is covered in it, but the present consumption of bottled water is not going to meet up with supply. And where can we get more water? Mars? Mars is too far away. We need moon water.
So, this NASA mission is all about water on the moon, so put all your ideas about nuking the moon to rest. That idea is so crazy, it's insane.
Now, completely off-topic, if I were in charge of the design of a nuclear payload to crash into the natural satellite of some planet, what do you think should be written on it in big letters? I was going to go with "Eat this, moon hippies!" but I'd like to have some alternates for my upcoming presentation.
April 08, 2006
Coming soon to a theater near you . . .
Posted by Frank J. at 12:09 PM
I came across this really cool website, where you upload a picture and it tells you what famous people you look like. It's fun to play around with. It can be hard to get on during peak hours, but I highly recommend a visit: http://www.myheritage.com/
Here are some potential actors for an IMAO movie . . .
April 06, 2006
Iranian Missile Command
Posted by Laurence Simon at 04:27 PM
A lot of people are getting concerned about the daily announcements of nuclear weapons research, guided missiles, radar-avoiding missiles, flying invisible boats, and super-cavitating torpedoes coming out of the Islamic Republic of Iran these days. Thank goodness that we've got the largest and best-equipped military in all the world, right?
Well, maybe not. Iran is letting the Zionist-controlled world know that they won't be as easy of a pushover as Saddam was in 2003:
"The missile command of the Guards' naval force ... via positioning various types of surface-to-sea missiles, is able, while defending the coastlines and islands, to confront any extra-territorial invasion," the official Islamic Republic News Agency quoted Safavi as saying.
This begs the question: What does the Iranian Missile Command look like, anyway?
Thanks to Top Secret Zionist IMAO Spy Shlomo Ben-Kevin, we now have exclusive photos of Iranian Missile Command:
And if you're wondering what the smartbombs look like, a certain Danish cartoon of Mohammed with a bomb in a turban should give you a clue.
April 04, 2006
Who Will Pick the Beans?
An Editorial by Frank J.
Posted by Frank J. at 10:48 AM
Many people are for deporting all the illegal immigrants, but none of those people seem prepared to answer the fundamental question: Who will pick the beans?
We are a country, a country of many beans in need of picking. But I am not going to pick those beans. You are not going to pick those beans. That leaves only the illegal immigrants left to pick our beans. Those beans will not pick themselves - that is a scientifically established fact. While self-picking beans are being genetically engineered, they have so far killed many goats in tests - not because the beans are poison, but because the bean plants killed and ate the goats. So, while we may strive towards a utopia of self-picking beans, it will turn into a dystopia if we live in constant fear of being killed and eaten by bean plants.
"Those beans will not pick themselves - that is a scientifically established fact."
So, since the beans will not pick themselves without great danger to humanity, who will pick them when the illegal immigrants are gone? Some say prisoners should pick those beans; if you commit a crime, then you are sentenced to a life of bean picking. But do we really want prisoner beans? Prisoners are by their nature thieves and thus will steal our beans (or assault them). This is not a solution at all.
Can monkeys be trained to pick the beans? I don't care if they can, because I will not eat beans picked by filthy monkeys. Monkeys should be locked in cages and kept away from our precious beans.
Other suggest robots be made to pick the beans, but it would take quite advanced robots to be know the intricacies of bean picking. Such robots will inevitably turn on us, and we will not be able to stop them. Robots are made of metal, and shooting them will do no good. Soon, we will be their slaves, and then we will all have to pick the beans for the robots' evil purposes.
So, while some may say we should just deport all the illegal immigrants, they are only giving half the solution to the problem unless those people also have an answer for who will pick the beans. Actually, it's less than half the solution because, as a wise man once said, 90% of life is picking beans, and only 10% is getting into America illegally.
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us. He is also the author of such books as "Who Will Feed the Dog?" and "Beans: The Vanguard of Civilization".
April 03, 2006
Posted by Aquaman at 09:55 AM
I heard about Iran testing new missiles, and my initial reaction was, "Ha! Foolish land-dwelling humans; you sow your own doom."
But then some of my fish friends came up to me and said, "Hey! We saw the missile and it was traveling through the water!"
"Then isn't that a torpedo?" I asked.
"No, it's still like a missile."
"You're just tuna! What the hell do you know other than how to make a good sandwich when mixed with mayo and chopped celery?"
After the tuna were done pummeling me, I indeed confirmed that Iran is working on an underwater missile. So, now everybody is probably expecting me to stop them (you know Superman won't do it since his suit is dry-clean only). Well, I'll try my best, but, if a few missiles get past me, just remember that the ocean is big and I'm only one man in an orange shirt.
This is Aquaman, signing off.
March 28, 2006
Don't worry: You'll have an opinion some day.
Posted by RightWingDuck at 12:31 PM
Let’s talk about the issues.
Illegal immigration. Gay marriage. The war in Iraq.
I want to know what you think. Tell me.
(Two second pause)
Ha ha!! Fooled you. You’re not a pro – so I don’t CARE what you think.
I say this because professional crackpot (and syndicated columnist) Molly Ivins has chimed in with something I’ve long suspected: you bloggers should not be allowed to have opinions.
You’re probably thinking: Isn’t Molly Ivins the one who said the United States had killed more civilians than Saddam Hussein? Then she ended up eating crow and apologizing to all those people who risk their lives so she can skip her medication and sit at her computer?
Shows you what YOU know – that would be a fact, not that you’d know it because YOU’RE not a professional reporter. Thusly, you’re not allowed to have an opinion unless you can report on a five car pile up.
So would you like to try?
As a guide, I've compiled a collection of “professional news organizations” and how they would cover the same event.
Your opinion please: A Primer on Being a Real Reporter…
CBS News. It has been reported that there is a five car pile up on highway 128. We believe that’s the exact highway that President Bush would have used had he ever bothered to report for his National Guard service during the Vietnam War. Unfortunately, the technology does not exist to know if the cars involved were modern cars or cars from 1972. We apologize in advance for not having details but we needed to get this story out ASAP.
SF Chronicle. In a surprise that was a surprise to no one, 5 cars piled up on Highway 128 yesterday afternoon. Said one witness, “It was amazing. One car stopped. Then another one plowed right into his rear end. And then another guy piled right into his backside.” The incident was caught on film and has been nominated for an Academy Award. “We feel it should stand a good chance unless the Academy gets a sudden bout of homophobia.” No drivers were hurt in the accident as they all practiced safe driving.
Hannity and Colmes.
Redstate.org. Posted by Ben "I only plagiarized a little" Domenech.
Los Angeles Times: Highway 128 experienced a horrible accident when five cars, driven by potentially undocumented workers were involved in a pile-up. We emphasize that the immigrants probably owned the land long before the white man took it away and should in no way be held responsible in any way. No foul play is suspected as the vehicles were not SUVs. A rally will be held in downtown Los Angeles to show support for the drivers.
New York Times. In a growing sign of civil war, and adding to the woes of the Bush Administration, five cars piled up somewhere along highway 128. Said one unnamed source, “We hope this is not a sign that we are slipping into a civil war, but it probably is and I warned everyone about it and nobody listened.” This unnamed source will have a book coming out soon which we will feature on page one provided it blames the Bush administration directly. We contacted the Pentagon to see if it’s possible to issue body armor to civilians on highway 128. No calls were returned.
CNN News. New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin, held a press conference today to sympathize with those accident victims in a 1,500 car pile up. “There could be tens of thousands of people dead and nobody is doin’ nothin’” Other sources say that the people on the freeway have resorted to eating their young. Still others said, “It’s the bloodiest thing I’ve ever seen. I’ll never be able to sleep again as long as I live.” Many poor people did not have the money to get off the freeway and spent days stranded on the roofs of their cars.
NPR: Five young men, in five cars, slammed into each other by accident. The young men were screaming, “We will kill everyone with the explosives we have in our cars!. Allahu Akbar.” NPR believes these young men may have been fundamentalist Christians.
Yes, I know: It can be overwhelming. When you look at the quality of reporting out there, it’s easy to look at all of this and say, “I’m not worthy.” Remember: Apply for a job as a cub reporter. Work hard. Write those stories, and one day – yes, maybe one day – you’ll be able to have an official opinion.
What do you think?
What am I saying? You’re not a professional. What do I care what you think?
March 23, 2006
I'm Beneficially Incompetent
Posted by Frank J. at 11:47 AM
Senator Harry Reid called Bush "dangerously incompetent" as opposed to Reid's own much more innocuous "bumbling incompetence." This may just be election year rhetoric, but there have been some evidence that Bush is indeed incompetent... incompetent to levels of dangerousness!
EVIDENCE OF BUSH'S DANGEROUS INCOMPETENCE
* Instead of a laser pointer for presentations, he uses the laser sight on a cocked .45.
* Lost the nuclear launch codes when Barney snatched them and ran off.
* Stores Drano in juice boxes in clear reach of children.
* Keeps losing the pins to his Presidential grenades.
* Usually spends his entire paycheck on lottery tickets.
* Every time he gets a hankering for a hunk of cheese, he ends up with a mousetrap on his hand... or his face.
* Never replace the roll of toilet paper.
* Almost had Greece obliterated because he thought he saw it move on a map.
* Suggested we could help calm Iraq by tainting the drinking water with LSD.
* When meeting new foreign dignitaries, he hugs just a little too hard.
* Tried to sell the Judicial Branch to Dubai.
* Has yet to eliminate his feeble opponents such as Harry Reid.
So, yeah, maybe Bush is a bit dangerously incompetent, but he's still better than all the alternatives I've seen. Plus, he’s just so much fun!
March 22, 2006
One kid. Two kid. Red kid. Blue kid.
Posted by RightWingDuck at 03:58 PM
Does your child complain constantly? Does she have pictures on her wall of Ann Coulter? Does your son threaten to go “nuh-ku-ler”? Congratulations – you have yourself a little conservative. Or at least, that’s the finding from a researcher from Berkeley (City Motto: We Don’t Have a City Motto Because They’re Fascist), California.
To summarize the study: Some students were whiney and grew to become conservatives. Others had more of a ‘laissez fair’ attitude and grew to become individual strong liberals. (Hat tip: Michelle Malkin)
IMAO readers can be proud of the fact that IMAO bloggers pour over the data that others refuse to read because it may contain big words and have zero pictures. We then take this data and throw it away in favor simple words and immature drawings. (Which I’ll post later when my scanner works.)
Here is yet another Fake But Accurate Summary of the researchers and their findings.
The Berkeley Report: One kid. Two kid. Red kid. Blue Kid.
Observation: Suzie complains to the teacher: “Billy’s making fun of my hair.”
Observation: Suzie making fun of John’s “corn rows”.
Observation: John asked the teacher’s permission to use the bathroom.
Observation: Jimmy took a pee out the window.
Observation: Johnny insisted on eating his crayons.
Observation: Jill let layer of glue dry on her palm. Then she peeled it off.
Teachers Question: “Billy, what color is this?”
Teacher’s Question: “Johnny, what color is this?”
Observation: Little Jamal hits a lot of the kids.
Observation: Johnny likes to pretend he’s a super hero.
Observation: Bruce likes to pretend he’s a girl.
Observation: George says “please” and “thank you” to his teacher.
Observation: Roberto says nothing. Nothing all day.
Observation: Moonbeam, wanders the hallways without a pass.
Observation: Georgie painted a picture of Jesus using finger paint.
Observation: Hilary painted a picture of Jesus using feces.
We will strive to provide more of this crucial data to IMAO readers as it becomes available. I have to go now. I have Desperate Housewives on TiVo. I heard this last episode was steamy: they had laissez fair.
March 21, 2006
I Need to Listen More to the Voices in My Head
Posted by Frank J. at 04:46 PM
A kat wrote this comment to today's post War Within Reason:
you are an idiot. you only listen to what people tell you, (but of course only if you want to be in "their club") do some independent research
"you only listen to what people tell you" - that's an interesting insult. Maybe I should do more spying - listening to what people tell others - but isn't that what got Bush in trouble?
March 20, 2006
We Need Some Sort of Law to Shut Up Those People Complaining About Their Speech Being Opressed
An Editorial by Frank J.
Posted by Frank J. at 11:29 AM
Running a fascist state is harder than you think; in fact, most fascist states fail within the first decade. That's why I feel it important to point out obvious failings of the new fascist America to help keep it healthy and oppressive. The most blatant (and loud) problem right now is the improper silencing of dissenters.
Honestly, my only experience with fascism is voting for Bush twice, but here is what I've observed. Obviously, speech is being oppressed, because we are constantly (and annoyingly) being told by liberals that their rights are being taken away and that dissent is being treated as treason. That might seem like a good start, but the problem is that people shouldn't explicitly be able to say that they're being oppressed. Everyone should know that already, and any who complains about it should be jailed or rounded up into camps for speaking out against the state. It's really a huge rookie fascist state mistake not to do that. While curtailing civil liberties is a must, it is also crucial to quiet those who complain about that.
" If I were a BusHitler, I'd disappear a few dissenters without admitting to it publicly."
I know, you're probably wondering, "If we quiet everyone who complains about out fascist evil, how will anyone know what's being oppressed and thus what not to do?" That's a good question. If I were a BusHitler, I'd disappear a few dissenters without admitting to it publicly. Then, people will whisper about it and be scared. Yes, you could be more explicit about it, but, not admitting to your oppressive actions makes your state that much more mysterious and feared. If people aren't sure what evil oppression you are doing, it makes them that much more likely to fall into line since they can't even comprehend the menace they are up against. That's some strong fascism right there.
The other question comes up is whether dissenters should be jailed or put into reeducation camps. In some ways, that's more a budgetary concern because camps can be more costly that just throwing someone in a dank hole and feeding him bread and water once a day. It's best to judge that on a person by person basis, though. For instance, you may really want to throw Cindy Sheehan in a dank hole, but since she's already so public, reeducation might work better. Actually, looking at Cindy's mental acuity, all I think it would take is a lunch break to brainwash her into saying how much she loves her son's sacrifice - and you'd still probably have time to finish off a tuna fish sandwich before going back out to crack the skulls of those who don't love The Government.
Don't forget to shutdown websites critical of The Government as well. Again, here is a good place to instill some fear. First, take down The Democratic Underground and DailyKos, putting up some blatant lies that they failed to pay to renew their URLs and have been bought by The Government. Also, make sure to disappear anyone involved with those sites you can hunt down. This will be a very conspicuous taking out of those who speak ill of the new fascism while denying anything was done. Again, this will cause more fear to shut up the rest.
Yes, fascism is hard, but I think I outlined a few simple steps to make things easier. And, though this itself could be seen as criticizing The Government, please don't secretly arrest me. Then again, you have to start somewhere.
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is a frequent contributor to IMAOPodcast.com. He is also the author of such books as "Patriotism for Dummies" and "I Unconditionally Love Our Government and You Should Too (If You Know What's Good for You)".
March 16, 2006
Killing Baby Seals. FAQ
Posted by RightWingDuck at 11:33 AM
Very soon, Canada will allow thousands of baby seals to be hunted down and killed. Singer and activist Sir Paul McCartney, is working to draw attention to this situation. We here at IMAO aren’t just about writing tasteless jokes, unbalanced viewpoints, and cheap thrills: We also do a podcast.
There’s a very important reason (beyond recreation) why the Canadian government allows the thinning of these herds. If left to their own devices (and seals do indeed have devices hidden somewhere) these seals would grow at such an alarming rate that eventually, you’d have to face the most dreaded of all realities – redrawing voting districts.
With that said, IMAO presents the ultimate Baby Seal Killing FAQ
Is it wrong to kill a baby seal?
No, I mean morally. Is it wrong?
I would feel bad whacking these seals repeatedly until they died.
No. That moral thing again.
Why kill them?
Is there any hope for these little Canadian seals?
Then what happens?
After I went on the seal hunt last year – I think I felt guilty. What should I do?
You told me that last year – and they ended up confusing me for a seal.
Oh yeah. We thought you looked familiiar. Anyway -Who wears seal fur to a seal bashing? That is sooo Last Years Republican Convention. But it does bring up a point – Safety. Be careful you’re not bashing another human being. That would be wrong. The correct noises to listen for are:
You might be hitting the wrong creature if you hear things like,
Can you cook seal?
What do you do with a seal once you kill it?
What’s the silliest thing you ever heard done with a Canadian Seal?
Are there any other advantages to killing these baby seals?
What would it take to make seal bashing a legitimate Olympic sport?
How could we make Bryant happy?
You talked me into it. I’d like to go up to Canada and take a Seal Beating Vacation? How do I set up a tour?
How do I know the tour operator isn’t some crazed activist that’s going to hijack me?
Would it stop the killing if Hollywood made more films about this?
Yes, we are awful. That's why you can't stop coming back again and again.
March 15, 2006
In My World: Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones, But Censure Will Never Hurt Me
Posted by Frank J. at 01:13 PM
"What's Senator Feingold up to?" President Bush asked Condoleezza Rice.
"He asking the Senate to censure you."
"Oh no!" Bush exclaimed as he covered his groin.
Condi rolled her eyes. "Do you know what 'censure' means?"
Bush was silent for a moment. "Well, do you?"
"What censure means is that the Senate will publicly berate you." Bush stared at Condi blankly. "Say you are bad, that is," Condi added.
"What I do bad?" Bush asked. "Did I say 'nuclear' wrong again?"
"You always say it wrong, but the censure is because Feingold says your wiretapping of Al Qaeda suspects is illegal."
Bush snapped a pencil in anger. "He's illegal! Who elects these whiny losers that are the Democrats anyway? I can't imagine any self-respecting man voting for these eunuchs who worry so much about the poor terrorists getting wire-tapped. The men who vote for them must be gay... and I mean really really gay." Bush perked up for a second. "Hey, maybe we could use that as a campaign slogan this year!"
Condi sighed. "Why don't you run it by Karl Rove."
"I need to go to the Senate and stop this," Bush said and started to head out of the White House. He then stopped. "Where does the Senate meet again?"
"The Capitol Building."
"Is that the tall pointy one?"
"That's the Washington Monument."
"Uh... the one with the giant stone man?"
"That's the Lincoln Memorial."
"Then is it the flat, watery one?"
"That's the reflection pool between the Washington Monument and the Lincoln Memorial."
Bush thought for a moment. "It's not the place with the dinosaur bones is it, because those big zombie lizards scare me?"
"You want the big building with the dome, Mr. President."
"Thanks, Condi!" Bush said as he began to leave again. "To the big building with the dome!"
* * * *
"I want you to stop this censuring!" Bush demanded to Senator Frist.
"It doesn't have a chance of passing," Frist said. "I'm trying to force a vote on it to embarrass the Democrats, but they're not letting me."
Bush slapped Frist. "That doesn't sound like someone with Presidential ambitions to me. If you want it, make it happen!"
Frist thought for a moment. "There is one thing I can do..."
Frist marched over to Senator Reid. "I demand a vote on the censure."
"Well, we all need more time to read the language and..."
"You will vote now!" Frist shouted. "I invoke the ancient Senatorial right of Kal-if-tor!"
Reid stood up straight. "You do not dare!"
"I dare!" Frist produced two curved blades and tossed one to Reid. "Whoever’s blood is spilt first, must cede!"
"So be it, fool! Aiaiaiaiai!" Reid shrieked as he charged Frist, swinging his weapon wildly. The blades clashed and sparks flew. They continued clashing for a couple minutes, destroying desks with missed swings as the rest of the Senate chanted, "Kal-if-tor! Kal-if-tor! Kal-if-tor!" Finally, Frist connected with a devastating slice, and Reid fell to the ground, blood spraying everywhere.
"Your power and your vote are mine!" Frist spat down at Reid. He then raised his blade in victory. "The vote on censure will commence!"
"But I need more time to..." Senator Feingold started to say, but was silenced when Frist punched him in the face.
"Quiet! Kal-if-tor says we vote now!"
"If we vote for censure, we could look bad on national security," the Democrats whispered among themselves.
Soon, the vote was over. "One votes yea; ninety-nine vote nay," Frist announced, "Censure is defeated!"
"I demand vengeance!" Bush shouted, pointing at Feingold. "He is a dingus, and he must pay for his dingussery!"
"Then I propose that Feingold will be beaten with sticks for the high crime of being a dingus," Frist told the Senate. He then raised his blade in the air again. "We vote now!"
"If we don't vote to have Feingold beaten with sticks, we could look bad on national security," the Democrats whispered among themselves.
Soon, the vote was over. "Ninety-nine vote yea; one votes nay," Frist announced, "Feingold will be beaten with sticks!"
The Senators all grabbed their beating sticks and descended upon the shrieking and crying Feingold and began to pummel him. Bush found a table leg and tried to join, but Frist stopped him. "Haven't you read the Constitution?" Frist asked.
"I tried once, but it was boring."
"Only Senators may join in a Senatorial stick beating. You are allowed to stand back and cheer us on, though."
"Okay." Bush started jumping and yelling, "Kill! Kill! Kill!" He then paused for a moment. "I wonder why my poll numbers aren't higher? I sure like me!"
March 13, 2006
In My World: The Dog Whisperer
Posted by Frank J. at 11:40 AM
President Bush's session of drumming his desk and singing "I am the President!" was interrupted by the intercom.
"Mr. President, a Cesar Millan is here to see you."
Bush shot out of his chair. "Ooh! The Dog Whisperer got my fan letter! Send him in!"
Cesar Millan came in the Oval Office. Bush immediately noticed the camera crew following him. "Wow! Am I going to be on T.V.?"
"That is not important," Cesar said, "What are important are the dog and the dog owner. I hear we are dealing with an unusually aggressive dog?"
"He's angry," Bush said, and then thought for a moment. "Very angry, actually. Here, look at this." Bush handed Cesar the Guinness Book of World Records.
"The World's Angriest Dog: Chomps," Cesar read aloud and then looked back to Bush. "I like to think that all dogs can be rehabilitated, but this should be a challenge. With troubled dogs, the real problem comes from the owner. That's why I focus most on training people."
"Yeah, well, just make sure your life insurance is updated. Chomps is so bad that we've had to discontinue political relations with Burma because the ambassador is too scared to come to the White House in case Chomps is in here. I would really appreciate your help on this."
"And I am glad to give it," Cesar answered. "When I was a boy in Mexico, I dreamed of one day being the greatest dog trainer in the world, so great that even the President of the United States would call upon me."
"Well, cool, but don't mention the ‘being from Mexico’ too much; I have enough people getting angry with me about illegal immigrants."
"But I'm here legally."
Bush looked confused. "Mexicans can do that?"
"Yipe! Yipe! Yipe!" Barney said as the little Scotty dog ran into the room.
"That dog is unruly too," Bush said, "but he's small enough that I can just kick him across the room if he annoys me."
"Shh!" Cesar said to Barney as he pushed his fingers into the side of the dog's neck. Barney immediately went to the ground and lay there quietly.
"That's amazing!" Bush shouted. "Still, that's not as fun as kicking him."
"The reason Barney doesn't listen to you," Cesar explained, "is that he doesn't see you as a leader."
Bush hung his head. "No one does."
* * * *
"What are you doing in my house?" Donald Rumsfeld demanded.
"I'm Cesar Millan, the Dog Whisperer, and I rehabilitate dogs and train people."
"You whisper to dogs?"
"Uh... no. The Dog Whisperer is just a title the National Geographic Channel came up with... you know, like that movie with Robert Redford, The Horse Whisperer."
"Never saw it."
"Neither have I. Anyway, I hear you have a rottweiler with an aggression problem."
Rumsfeld took a swig from his whiskey flask. "A what problem?"
"I hear he bites people."
"Yeah, he bites people... and objects... and air and water."
"How did you come to own Chomps?"
Rumsfeld thought for a moment. "Well, about two and a half years ago, he mauled Michael Moore for the first time. Later, after an interdimensional crisis was handled, he followed me around. Since he only attacks people and things I don't like or care about, I decided not to beat him until he left me alone." Rumsfeld pointed to a large stick leaning against a wall. "That's the original stick I thought of beating him with. If he's ever noisy, I shake it at him."
"So Chomps has always shown aggression?"
"He likes biting people and destroying things."
"And what do you do when Chomps shows aggression?"
"I either ignore him or laugh, depending on the situation."
"But you don't take control of the situation?"
Rumsfeld took another swig of whiskey. "Who am I tell him what to do? He never tells me what to do."
"Here is the problem," Cesar explained. "You can't control Chomps because Chomps does not see you as a pack leader; he just sees you as a roommate."
Rumsfeld shrugged. "So? He pays half the mortgage. Every so often, he comes home with a wallet. I don't care how he gets them as long as they have cash inside."
"That is not an attitude that Chomps needs to keep him mentally balanced."
"And I should care because..."
Cesar was silent for a second. "May I meet Chomps?"
Chomps burst through the wall behind them, snarling and baring his teeth. Rumsfeld took another drink of whiskey. "Smile and say, 'Hi!'"
* * * *
"The first thing I like to do with any dog is go on a walk," Cesar said, "This allows me to show to the dog I'm the pack leader and let him feel my calm, assertive energy."
Rumsfeld snorted. "Chomps doesn't like leashes."
"Then what you have to do is..."
Chomps quickly grabbed the leash from Cesar and swallowed it. Cesar looked a while at Chomps. "Okay, this could be a problem."
* * * *
"For certain dogs, I have to use creative measures," Cesar told the cameras. "For Chomps, to make a leash, I needed to use a chain from a tow truck to make him a leash he can't immediately chew through." Chomps tried to bite the leash, but Cesar shouted, "Eh!" as he tugged on the chain.
"You're asking for it," Rumsfeld laughed.
"By keeping the leash - well chain - high on his neck, I can keep him facing forward. Now, he can only be angry at things in front of him... or in the sky. Right now, it looks like he's being agitated by that one cloud up there."
Chomps began to growl, but Cesar yelled, "Shh!" as he jerked on the chain. Chomps then quieted and stared at Cesar. "You can see the immediate change in behavior, because he now considers me the pack leader and is trusting my guidance."
"I think he's just confused why you don't seem to care for you own life," Rumsfeld commented.
While Cesar was distracted for a second listening to Rumsfeld, Chomps grabbed a fire hydrant, ripped it out of the ground, and then snapped wildly at the water that shot out.
"Maybe it's time we bring him home."
* * * *
"As you can see," Cesar told the cameras as Chomps sat beside him, shaking but not making a sound, "I have gotten Chomps to contain his anger for the moment. Now, I have to give him something to release this poison on. In front of him, I'll now unveil a scale model of downtown Paris."
Cesar pulled the sheet off, and Chomps immediately leapt on the model and started ripping it apart with his teeth.
"Now, having gotten rid of his anger, he will have a chance to be calm and submissive."
The model destroyed, Chomps now growled and snapped at everything in sight.
"Uh... I guess he has more anger than I thought. Now is the time to be calm and assertive to take control." Cesar looked to Rumsfeld. "Donald, see if you can make Chomps respond by being calm and assertive."
"QUIET NOW OR I'LL RIP YOUR SPINE OUT AND BEAT YOU WITH IT! RARR!" Rumsfeld screamed at the dog.
Chomps kept snarling.
"Okay, Donald, that was assertive, but it wasn't calm."
"Shut up, dogman, or I'll rip out your spine and beat you with it! Rarr!"
Chomps leapt out a window, and screams could be heard outside. "Don't eat anymore children!" Rumsfeld yelled outside. "I hate dealing with the weepy moms of dumb kids!"
* * * *
Bush looked up from his desk. "Hey, Dog Whisperer, how did things go?"
Cesar shook his head. "I hate to ever say this, but he needs to be put down."
"We need to kill Chomps?"
"No, you don't understand," Cesar explained. "Most of my work is training people, and Donald Rumsfeld is untrainable. He causes dogs and anything else around him to become more violent. Having just spent a couple hours with him, I just want to get home and beat my children for some reason. Donald should not be allowed near any living creatures or the support structures of buildings. He needs to be put down."
"Aww," Bush groaned, "everyone is always telling me to either fire Rumsfeld or euthanize him." Bush perked up a bit. "When will this episode air?"
"I don't think this training attempt will be informative to the viewers."
Bush put his head on his desk and sulked. "I'm never going to get on T.V."
March 09, 2006
What President Has Done More for the Hos?
Posted by Frank J. at 08:52 AM
President Clinton's childhood home was voted by Congress to be designated a national landmark. The conversation that immediately followed (I assume):
"So does the mean the hos have to move out?"
"No, man, that means the hos have to stay."
March 08, 2006
March 07, 2006
Democrats Need a Direction
Posted by Frank J. at 01:15 PM
Despite missteps by the Republicans and the Bush Administration, Democrats have not been able to make any gains since they lack a direction. To help, I shall give the Democrats a direction:
That's right, Democrats, head north! You can feel it in your heart that's where your destiny lies. So begin you journey and prepare yourself for the adventure ahead.
That's right; start marching North.
February 28, 2006
Frank Advice on Port Security
Posted by Frank J. at 01:07 PM
When people first heard that the UAE were going to manage some of our ports, everyone was like, "Whatever." Then, we found out what the 'A' in UAE stands for: Arab! Those crafty Muslims, trying to take over our ports without us noticing; they're almost as sneaky as the joooos.
Now, people are concerned about port security, thus leaving it to me to tell everyone what to do:
FRANK ADVICE ON PORT SECURITY
* Remember: Ports involve delivery with ships, so, if some other vehicle than a ship comes into your port, treat it with suspicion.
* Muslim extremists could infiltrate your port and blend in with the workers. Every so often, you should yell out "Hey, Mohammed!" and see if anyone turns his head in response. Also, you might want to yell out, "Hey, Bruce!" to see if you've been infiltrated by filthy, thieving Australians.
* Just because someone went through all the trouble of painting "Not WMDs" on a crate, doesn't mean it's true. You might want to consider inspecting that one.
* Muslim extremists hate cartoon depictions of the prophet Mohammed (peace be upon him), so put an unflattering comic about Mohammed on your door. If anyone tries to kill you over it, treat that person with suspicion.
* Remember: Just because someone is Arab doesn't mean that he is a Muslim; in fact, the huge majority of Arabs in America are Christian, so, when you see an Arab, you should be more worried about a Christian extremist who will chat off your ear about "The Bible." To shut him up, just tell him you have "The Bible: The Movie" on your Netflix list and you don't want him to spoil it for you.
* SPOILER: Jesus gets killed. Ha, bet you thought they wouldn't kill off the main character.
* Don't jump to conclusions. If you hear people saying stuff like, "We're going to steal the port," "Let's take over the port," or "I'm going to smuggle WMDs in the port," they could just be talking about port wine.
* Though you don't have enough time to check every crate, don't just check the first two crates from each shipment; terrorists could use that predictability against you. Sometimes, check the third and fourth crates instead. Don't bother with the fifth and sixth crates because, even if they have WMDs in them, you'll probably die of old age before the union workers finally unload them.
* SPOILER: Jesus comes back to life! Yes, it might seem a bit cheesy like with Star Trek III: The Search for Spock, but, if you paid attention, there was plenty of foreshadowing.
* Terrorist want to smuggle a nuclear bomb into America, so, if you find a nuclear bomb in one of your inspections, make sure it's on the manifest.
* Every so often, walk among the workers asking, "Anyone know where to score some WMDs?" Maybe someone will slip up.
* Since you're right near the water, you might want to enlist the help of Aquaman so he can swim around and... uh... On second thought, try flashing the Bat Signal.
* Another way terrorists may attack us is by smuggling in Ebola infected monkeys. So, make sure you have bananas - bananas for the monkeys.
* Monkeys like bananas.
* If you think one of the workers at the port is holding back information, you should consider beating him with a rubber hose until he talks. It's a good idea to check union rules on that first.
* Remember: Port security starts with you. Don't just say, "Well I don't need to find smuggled WMDs; Jack Bauer from CTU will handle it just in time." Jack Bauer is busy and needs sleep, so do your job!
February 27, 2006
The War in Iraq Is Truly Lost... If We Leave
An Editorial by Frank J.
Posted by Frank J. at 01:20 PM
Many people are saying we should leave Iraq. This is not a good strategy for victory if you let me explain. You see, when you're competing at something and suddenly leave, you lose.
Like most people, I've been watching Olympic curling. Sometimes, one team would be so far behind that, instead of playing to the end, they'd just shake hands and leave. And know what happened then? That team would lose! Yes, they could have stayed longer and tried against odds to win, but, since they left, the judges just went ahead and marked them a loser.
"Even if you're winning, leaving causes you to lose!"
Maybe you're thinking now that perhaps leaving is a good idea if you know you will lose because leaving and losing now will save time. Well, that's loser talk. Also, listen to this: when I was a kid, I played soccer (I was young; I didn't know any better). Once, we were trouncing a team so badly that it got boring and we just left. We had a ton more goals, but, because we left, we were marked as losing! So, even if you're winning, leaving causes you to lose!
Remember the only war America lost? My dad does; he's a Vietnam vet and, every time I see him, I say, "Hey, remember that war you were in? You lost it, loser." Then he hangs his head and walks away and I yell, "Yeah, you better walk away, loser." As my dad sometimes tells me, it wasn't his fault we lost the Vietnam War; it was the fault of those who decided to leave. This is great wisdom even though it comes from someone who was in a loser war. If you trace the Vietnam War to the exact moment we lost, it's when we left. Once we weren't there any longer, there was no chance to win. This is important to understand.
So, having learned from Vietnam, I don't know why anyone would suggest we leave Iraq. That's a sure way to lose. Some say we need to leave because it's dangerous there, but, when I've talked to troops about leaving, they're like, "But then we'll lose! People died for this; we're not going to lose. You stop talking about leaving and losing!" Then I get punched, and that punch hurts because it's from someone trained how to punch by the military.
Thus, we can't leave Iraq or we'll lose. Then our troops will be losers and I'll have to shout at them, "Hey! Losers!" And they'll be too sullen to punch me. Our military men and women deserve better.
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is a frequent contributor to IMAOPodcast.com. He is also the author of such books as "War and Peace: How to Choose" and "Hiroshima and Nagasaki: A Case Study on Why Not to Bomb Hawaii".
February 26, 2006
February 23, 2006
I Want to Kill All Americans and Turn The Entire World into One Muslim State, But That Will Not Affect How We Run the Ports
An Editorial by President Khalifa bin Zayid al-Nuhayyan of the United Arab Emirates
Posted by Frank J. at 11:05 AM
As many of you now know, a company owned by my country is about to buy a number of your ports. Any rational look at this deal will see that it benefits both our countries, but, of course, many of you stupid infidels are all opposing this even though you don't understand the slightest thing about it. This whole controversy just makes me want to wipe out all you moron crusaders all the more, but please understand that this port deal is much more important to us than the eventual victory of Islam over the entire world, Allah willing.
"This [controversy] makes me so mad, I want to murder all you Americans in your sleep... until I remember the economic implications of that."
Get one thing straight, this has nothing to do with port security. Your own Zionist-aligned government does all of that, you abominations to my sight. It's not like because we run a couple cranes in America that suddenly we can sneak in some nerve gas, you idiots. Even if we could, how suicidal do you think we are? If we let terrorists use the ports, it's not like it would take Sherlock Holmes to trace that back to us since we own them. Do you know how rich I am? Do you really think I want to be hiding in some spider hole like that ass Saddam? Of course, I'm using logic that would take a moment's reflection, something that's a little too advance for you mindless critics. This makes me so mad, I want to murder all you Americans in your sleep... until I remember the economic implications of that.
And stop bringing up how two of the 9/11 hijackers came from here; is America responsible for every one of its citizens? If you think the UAE was involved with in planning 9/11, then come out and say it so I can strangle you for your lies. Yes, I cheered for a moment at the deaths of so many infidels... until I remembered how much business we do in New York! My country has a huge per capita income, but it's honestly not the most solid in the world. Implications of us involved in terrorism could knock us over the edge, and, if you took a poll of our citizens, you'd see a near majority consider economic stability more important than mass murder. As much as I want you all to die, we have our own housing bubble to worry about over here. Do any of you understand that? Sometimes I think I'd have to use a pipe bomb to get through your thick skulls.
And honestly, how many of you knew your ports weren't owned by Americans before all this? I swear, if any of you raise your hands, I'll cut them off. None of you knew anything about the ports until the talking heads and harlots jumped on this issue, and suddenly all of you are like, "Oh no! The Arabs are going to run our ports and they want to kill us all!" Hell yes, we want to kill you all, but it's not like we could fit that in our business plan. Have any of you looked at our business plan? Of course not. Holy Allah, I so want to strangle you all!
All I want you stupid infidels to understand is that this deal is all business. All thing being equal, I would stab you all repeatedly and then behead you, but that is not a money making venture. So stop your stupid mouth flapping before you make us so mad that we seriously begin considering using your ports to kill you.
Khalifa bin Zayid al-Nuhayyan is the President of the United Arab Emirates and likes to watch horse and camel racing and plot the destruction of Israel between business ventures.
February 21, 2006
Super Happy Fun Partial Birth Abortion FAQ!
Posted by Frank J. at 12:23 PM
The Supreme Court is going to take another look at the Constitutionality of bans on partial birth abortion (I guess the new press preferred term is now "a type of late-term abortion"). To help in everyone's understand of the issue (and IMAO is nothing if not a tool for education) I've gotten a doctor who performs late-term abortions to answer questions about this controversy.
THE SUPER HAPPY FUN PARTIAL BIRTH ABORTION FAQ
Q. Critics call it partial birth abortion. Is that name accurate?
Q. Why don't you call it "brain sucking abortion" instead of D&X?
Q. Don't babies need brains?
Q. Does sucking out a baby's brains cause the baby pain?
Q. How was this procedure invented?
Q. Since the whole body is already out, why not just pull the head out and deliver the baby?
Q. Why not fully deliver the baby and then suck out the brains?
Q. Do you favor legalizing infanticide?
Q. Some people say it's morally wrong to suck out a baby's brains. What do you say to that?
Q. I thought the whole point of sucking out the brain matter was to collapse the skull and make the dead fetus easier to deliver, especially in cases of hydrocephalus?
Q. Opponents to D&X say that the procedure it never needed to protect a mother's health. What are your views on this?
Q. Should the baby have any say in this?
Q. Are you ever afraid of being attacked by anti-abortion extremists?
Q. How did you ever get into this line of work in the first place?
Q. What are your views on the Constitutionality of D&X?
February 20, 2006
The Quail Hunting Incident Is Symbolic of Everything That's Right with the Bush Administration
An Editorial by Frank J.
Posted by Frank J. at 12:30 PM
As soon as I heard that Cheney shot a man in the face, my immediate reaction was, "This is why I voted for Bush." I've had my doubts about President Bush at times, but, as this incident unfolded, it's reminded me of everything that's great about his administration.
"You can sum up the Bush Administration as one big hunting accident, and that's why I love them."
First off, this incident involves guns. Gun rights are important to this nation, and even Democrats pay lip service to gun owners by saying they support hunting. Cheney didn't just support hunting, though, but also demonstrated the most important purpose of guns - shooting people. The Bush Administration doesn't just support guns for sport, they support gun use for self-defense.
One of the worst things about the Democrats is how they are beholden to trial lawyers - a scourge to our country with their constant lawsuits trying to ruin people and drive companies out of business. The Bush Administration, on the other hand, will shoot lawyers in the face - WITH A SHOTGUN! - even if they're supporters. Now that is the action of people not ruled by special interests.
Also, look who did the shooting. It was Dick Cheney, a seasoned hunter. President George W. Bush has surrounded himself with many people good at what they do, so, instead of Bush wasting time shooting quails and lawyers himself, he left that to who knew it best. It was also left up to him whether to notify the Washington press corps, and he wisely chose not to since those people are dumb and all information is wasted on them.
Some may say that how the quail got away while the innocent lawyer (or, as innocent as lawyers get) took the blast in the face is symbolic of how Osama got away while we accidentally bombed that orphanage full of puppies, but, to me, it reminds me of how the Bush administration is determined to at least try and get the terrorists (quails) even in detriment to their own friends (specifically, Whittington).
Finally, there's how Cheney didn't pay for that seven dollar hunting stamp, which is another example of the Bush Administration's contempt for excessive taxes. Yes, Cheney did eventually make out a check for seven dollars, but I hear he wrote "I hope you choke on this!" on the memo line.
So, all in all, I guess you can sum up the Bush Administration as one big hunting accident, and that's why I love them.
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is a frequent contributor to IMAOPodcast.com. He is also the author of such books as "Not in the Face! - A Day with Dick Cheney" and "Extermination at All Costs: The Case Against Quails".
February 17, 2006
Posted by Frank J. at 12:03 AM
Palestinian Olympic hockey team member Kareem Abdul Jabaar prepares for action by ritually gashing his head with a skate retrieved from the dismemberd foot of a Hamas suicide bomber.
February 16, 2006
Be Careful! He May Gore!
Posted by Frank J. at 12:00 PM
I realize I haven't yet commented on all the crazy things Al Gore said at the Jeddah Economic Forum. Since Gore was Vice President for eight years and is a favorite of the muckadoos, I think it's important to note what he's doing. Many people were angered when he trashed us in front of the human rights giant Saudi Arabia by saying how America has been indiscriminately rounding up Saudis based simply on them breaking the law, but he also said other crazy things... specifically ten in number:
TOP TEN OTHER CRAZY THINGS AL GORE TOLD THE SAUDS
10. "Even though the NSA listens to all our phone calls, they won't pay half my phone sex bills."
9. "When you're not watching, the dogs all laugh at you behind your back. I can't prove it... but it's true!"
7. "Though I was not elected President, I still am the lizard king!"
6. "If you are wondering why I'm wearing Kleenex boxes on my feet, it's because the neo-cons spy on us through our shoes."
5. "If I told you the reason I'm wearing women's underwear, though, they'd kill you too."
4. "They say I'm stiff, but look at me raise my arms above my head." (minute later) "There, I did it."
3. "In America, they wear hats on their feet and hamburgers eat people."
2. "First the police came for the muggers. Then for the liquor store robbers. Who will these Nazis round up next?"
And the number one other crazy thing Al Gore told the Sauds…
"The American people are so stupid, the almost elected a complete nutjob as their leader in 2000!"
February 15, 2006
John Bolton's Peace Prize Nomination Papers
Posted by Harvey at 05:47 PM
I was tickled pink to discover that hard-core, ass-kicking US ambassador to the UN, John Bolton, has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize for playing a major role in exposing Iran's secret plans to develop nuclear weapons. To bolster his chances of winning, they also included a list of his other notable achievements:
* Author of "China Shopping For Bulls - The John Bolton Guide to Diplomacy"
* During 6-party talks on North Korea's nuclear program, shook down the other 5 parties for their lunch money
* Bolton plans to use the money to finance a mission to nuke the moon, pending the outcome of a copyright infringement suit filed by Frank J.
* Once caused a pigeon to explode in mid-air, just by looking at it.
* Kicked Paul Bunyan's ass and founded the "Bolton's Babe-Burgers" franchise.
* Due to lactose intolerance, had all lactoses rounded up and imprisoned at Gitmo.
* Led Lyndie England around on a leash while mocking her genitalia.
* Prefers to kill people with his bare hands so that he can look into their eyes and watch their souls leave their bodies.
* Eats newly-release souls to fuel the growth of his moustache.
* Hates working for the UN, since few of the ambassadors actually have souls.
* 'STACHE HUNGERS!
* Successfully went in against a Sicilian when death was on the line.
* While not related to Michael Bolton, John does have a better singing voice.
* Of course, who doesn't?
* Once made a rock so big that he himself couldn't lift it.
* The flood waters did not recede from New Orleans quickly enough, so John Bolton drank them.
* On Halloween, witches frequently go out dressed up as John Bolton to frighten liberals.
* Plans to silence whiny California hippies by kicking the whole state right into the ocean.
* Went hunting with Dick Cheney, but used 'stache powers to deflect the birdshot.
* Favorite saying: "I like you. I'll kill you last. And by 'last', I mean 'first'."
* 'STACHE HUNGERS!
* When his term as UN Ambassador expires in 2007, plans to decapitate all the UN delegates he hasn't already killed so that he can at last be THE ONE and claim THE PRIZE.
* Used Kim Jong Il's poofy head as a loofah.
* Until Captain Kirk, the Klingons had no word for "surrender". After John Bolton, they will also have a word for "pants-wetting terror".
Of course, they neglected his most notable accomplishment - never having mistaken an elderly lawyer for a small bird.
In My World: Everyone Loves Cheney
Posted by Frank J. at 12:51 PM
"Why won't you answer my questions?" David Gregory screeched.
"I have answered your questions," White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan grumbled.
"No you haven't! I think I know when questions have been answered!"
"David, I'm getting tired of your attitude," Scott said. "Could you find some other subject to freak out about? It's not like a hunting accident is a matter of national security."
"I'm not freaking out!" Gregory yelled. "And you're fat!"
Scott rolled his eyes. "Okay, I'm going to move onto the next person with questions..."
"Fatty fatty fat fat!"
"You take that back!" Scott screamed as he jumped on Gregory and started punching him. The other reporters soon crowded around and started chanting, "Fight! Fight!"
Bush, done watching the scene, started flipping through the channels. "Hey, Rover!" he called out. "When does ice-boxing come on in the Olympics?"
The hooded figure of Karl Rove emerged from the shadows. "There is no such thing as ice-boxing."
"Why not? It would be fun! People would be sliding around on ice and punching each other; there's no sport more pure than that."
Rove raised he hand and the TV turned off. "We must talk about Cheney."
There was the sound of a shotgun blast, and a portion of the wall was blown away. Through it, they could see Dick Cheney. "I thought I saw a quail," he said.
"Was it a picture of Dan Quayle?" Bush asked.
Cheney punched his way into the room. "I don't remember."
"You have an image problem," Rove intoned.
"Is it anything that can be solved by telling the press to go @#$% themselves?" Cheney asked.
"I don't think that's going to work, Dick," Bush said, "People need to hear you feel remorse like a normal human. Don't you feel bad you shot your friend in the face?"
"Yes, I do," Cheney answered. "I would have had that quail if it weren't for his stupid face getting in the way!"
"But he had a heart attack; aren't you worried about him?"
Cheney laughed. "I've had plenty of heart attacks, and that one was hardly worth mentioning. If Harry plays it up, I'll shoot him in the face with a shotgun again."
Bush shook his head. "Cheney, you have to act nicer."
"Why? Rumsfeld burns down orphanages for fun and has contests on the White House lawn for how far he can kick puppies and you don't complain!"
"Well, we expect that from the Secretary of Defense," Bush replied, "but, if I got my head stuck in the banister again, you have to take over as President. That means people need to like you."
"You must improve your image," Rove uttered, "or all could be doomed. So says the Book of Punditry." Rove then disappeared into the shadows.
Cheney looked to Bush. "I'd tell Rove to go @#$% himself, but I'm afraid he'd eat my soul."
Bush nodded. "I fear that everyday."
* * * *
"I am holding this press conference," Cheney announced, "to say that I feel very sorry for what happened to my friend, Harry Whittington. I so wish this had never happened, and I am losing sleep about this every day." Cheney then held up a tiny cat. "And, look, I'm holding a kitten." Cheney, with much effort, then smiled.
"Are you planning to snap the kitten's neck for fun after this press conference is over?" asked a reporter.
"What I do on my own time is my business!" Cheney screamed. "Go @#$% yourself!"
Bush then nudged Cheney in the side.
"Uh... I mean that I plan to take the kitten home, name him mittens, and then watch him play with a ball of yarn."
"Aww, Cheney is much sweeter than we thought," said one female reporter.
A little kid then walked up to Cheney. "Will you give me a hug, Unkie Cheney?"
* * * *
"So I knocked a kid unconscious by throwing a kitten at his head," Cheney grumbled. "He smelled."
Bush laughed. "I guess that's just our gruff VP." Bush then turned to Condi and whispered, "I keep hearing rumors that I'm planning on forcing Cheney to resign and replace him with you. Do you know if there is any truth to those rumors?"
Condi smacked Bush upside his head.
"Ow," Bush moaned as he rubbed the back of his head, "I always thought people would hit me less as soon as I was President, but the opposite was true. Anyway, I have the pardon for Scott for assaulting that stupid reporter. Anyone want to go fetch him from prison?" Bush looked around the room, but no one moved. "Fine, let's watch the Olympics. I think the biathlon is on." Bush looked to Cheney. "You lose points in that for shooting someone else in the face."
Bush chuckled. "That the Winter Olympics, alright."
February 14, 2006
Say it ain't so . . .
Posted by Frank J. at 09:12 AM
Senator Harry Reid is eyeball deep in the Abrahamof scandal, after months of criticizing Republicans for alleged ties to Abrahamof's lobbying firm? That would make Reid a lying, hypocritical, opportunist, scumbag. Can't be.
Doh! Sorry, I spoke too soon . . .
February 13, 2006
It's Time to Face Facts: The War Against Bush Is Unwinnable
An Editorial by Frank J.
Posted by Frank J. at 12:02 PM
The Democrats and progressives have been waging a war on Bush for years now. It started out for admirable reasons - getting Bush out of power using any means possible - but now it has become obvious that this can no longer be accomplished. Instead, the only ones losing power are Democrats. This war has to end.
"We thought the American people would welcome us as liberators."
How many Democrats have lost office in this fight against Bush? While people seem to care about the death counts in Iraq, no one takes note as the number of Democrats who have lost office increases. Not only that, but there is the Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder from losing against Bush. It is obvious that Al Gore will never be able to live a normal life again and will require constant supervision for the rest of his days. Just check the internet for more instances of people having lost their minds trying to fight against the ethereal foe that is the Bush Presidency. And, to what end is this?
Some will still argue that progress is being made, pointing to Bush's low approval ratings. "Sure," they say, "we weren't able to get rid of him in 2004, but soon enough people will turn against him to impeach him!" This is pure idealism that ignores the attitudes of those we are trying to free from the tyranny of Bush. We thought the American people would welcome us as liberators when we kept up our full out attacks on Bush, but they are obviously more concerned with terrorists than Bush and have turned against us Bush-attackers. It's sad, but it is true.
So, do we give up and let Bush win? I'm afraid to say he already has won. Perhaps one day we could make people fear Bush more than terrorists, but, if we keep up in this way, there will be no Democrats left in office by the time that happens. We have to admit to ourselves that we attacked Bush without any real strategy for victory, and now it is time to pullout of this conflict. Instead, we must try and get Democrats back in power by focusing on our core issues: piddling-crap things such as healthcare and other free-handouts.
The war against Bush is just not worth another Democratic politician.
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is a frequent contributor to IMAOPodcast.com. He is also the author of such books as "The Population Bomb: A Brief History of the Palestinians" and "Insane or Stupid? A Guide to Judging Moonbats".
February 12, 2006
Posted by Frank J. at 01:30 PM
Congratulations to Palestinian Winter Olympic athletes Muhammed Ali Babba and Unidentified Female Consort # 7 for ranking third in pairs skating after the short program. It is currently undecided whether the Palestinian Olympic Committee will have Female Consort # 7 ritually stoned to death prior to or after the long program for showing her ankles. Nonetheless, go Palestine, and death to the Great Satan!
February 10, 2006
February 08, 2006
You make the call!
Posted by Frank J. at 10:18 PM
Hamshahri, Iran's bestselling newspaper, has launched a competition to find the best cartoon about the Holocaust in retaliation for the publication of caricatures of the Prophet Mohammed. Which one of our creations do you think we should submit?
[NOTE: links for context are found at the bottom of this post.]
Posted by Harvey at 08:36 PM
During Bush's State of the Union Address, Gold-Star Mother and crazed anti-war activist Cindy Sheehan was kicked out of the event for wearing a T-shirt that said "2245 Dead -- How Many More?".
Meanwhile, Beverly Young - wife of Congressman C.W. Bill Young, (R-Florida) - was given the boot for wearing a T-shirt that said "Support the Troops Defending Our Freedom."
Let's see, can't oppose the war... can't support the war... surely there's SOME t-shirt that's non-controversial enough to not get you kicked out of the SOTU address...
Maybe this Fun Cat Trivia T-shirt...
* Cats have 18 toes - 5 on each front paw, 4 on each back. If your cat has 19 toes, that means it's male and you're an idiot.
* White cats with blue eyes are deaf. White cats with one blue eye are deaf in one ear. White cats with glowing red eyes are witches. Drown them in holy water.
* A cat's normal body temperature is 102° F. unless it's trapped under a pile of burning books, in which case it's 451° F
* Cats have no eyelashes, so don't be suckered into buying Maybelline's "Catscara".
* Cats are colorblind and thus oppose Affirmative Action quotas.
* A cat can jump 7 times as high as it is tall, which impresses everyone except Chuck Norris.
* Cats can survive falls from great heights because their paw pads are made from the same material as Roger Rabbit's head.
* An adult cat blinks an average of three times per minute - about the same rate that Ted Kennedy drinks.
* Some common household objects are fatal to cats, like Tylenol, philodendron plants, anti-freeze, and bullets.
* Cats have A, B, and O blood types, just like people, which makes them good bait for vampire traps.
* Cats don't think of themselves as little people, they think of people as large cats. Therefore, in order to establish your dominance over them, you should pee on your cat's head every so often.
* A cat's fur has a thick undercoat which causes it to make the same sound as a baby harp seal when you club it.
* To a cat, litter-box-filler appears to have the same texture as Rice Krispies. Protect your breakfast accordingly.
* The average cat has 40 whiskers, or 10 more than Frank J.
* Catnip has the same effect on cats as marijuana does on human beings. The feline equivlent of Pink Floyd and Twinkies is still, as yet, unknown.
Of course, if you're LOOKING to get booted from the SOTU, try:
"A Danish newspaper published my Muhammed cartoon and all I got was this lousy fatwa."
February 07, 2006
Frank Advice on Drawing Mohammed
Posted by Frank J. at 12:37 PM
So, you want to draw Mohammed? Follow these steps and you can have your own artistic depiction of the Prophet:
1. Obtain a drawing pad. If you don't want to spend money on one, a blank piece of white printer paper on top of a hard surface works for drawing.
2. Find a nice sharpened pencil or a quality mechanical pencil. For a good artistic depiction of Mohammed, you need good tools. Also, a clean eraser will help with the inevitable mistakes.
3. Assuming this will be a full body depiction, first draw a circle for the head and then mark the height of the entire body by making it seven times the head size. Do rough sketch of the body shape, legs, and arms based on standard proportions for a male subject.
4. Call your embassies in Middle Eastern countries to check their fire precautions including smoke detectors and fire escapes. When drawing Mohammed, it is essential your embassies already have procedures in case of fire.
5. Draw Mohammed's clothes. You can base this on the historically accurate depictions of clothing for the time. While it may be tempting to draw Mohammed with a leather jacket with one sleeve missing and a shotgun, this would not be an accurate depiction of the Prophet. If you can't find an image of proper clothing for the time period, use a muumuu as your model.
6. Check that your firearms are clean and loaded. You may need them at a moment's notice.
7. For Mohammed's head, a turban would be appropriate. Make sure to research tying styles to draw the turban accurately. Turbans are not made with towels and should not have a Holiday Inn logo.
8. Make sure to test your alarm system. If someone breaks into your house, you want to make sure that both you and the police will be notified by the alarm.
9. For Mohammed's face, make sure to draw him happy; if you were a prophet of Allah, wouldn't you be happy? He should have a beard, but don't use a member of ZZ Top as a model for the face.
10. Obtain a siren. Radical Muslims are easily scared by bright lights and loud noises.
11. Consider accessories such as a scimitar in Mohammed's hand and/or a scroll he has written. While a lightsaber might be fun, this is not what Mohammed would be seen holding according to historical records.
12. Practice drawing from your holster and make sure you can take off the safety and pull the trigger in one smooth action.
If you follow all these tips, you'll now have your own drawing of Mohammed and not be dead. Enjoy!
February 06, 2006
Posted by Frank J. at 04:19 PM
How is the NSA spying on the general populace now?
They're logging the IP of everyone who clicks "Read More" on this post since people who are worried about NSA spying obviously have something to hide.
IMAO supports this program, you dirty terrorist.
February 02, 2006
Spacemonkey's New Book
Posted by spacemonkey at 12:59 PM
--Welcome, Instapundit readers!
My new book* Anarchy Of Franks: How Monkeys With Ninja Training Empower Extraordinary Bloggers To Beat Big Lefty Bloggers, Big Centrist Bloggers and Other Goofballs. is ready to go to the publisher!
My book** is all about*** the GBW (Great Blog War) and how Frank J. is the Anti-Insta and oops, I've given too much of the plot away already. So, buy, then read**** the book! Oh shoot, just buy***** it, I don't really care****** if you read it or not.
My book is NOT associated in any way with Glenn Reynolds'******* book, An Army of Davids
* If ONLY I had a book.
January 31, 2006
Live Blogging SotU
Posted by spacemonkey at 09:26 PM
- Bunch of people in suits and dresses.
- Some old guys are in dresses. Black dresses.
- Sheehan detained, sneaking in a sign, which is a NO-NO.
- President getting announced. Comes out. Shakes some hands. Kisses some women. Black women.
- President: looks nice, blue tie, not too chimpy.
- People that oppose me are traitorous morons.
- War isn't over. and Hamas better not mess up Israel.
- Iran, no nukes, We like you Iran, but don't piss us off.
- Enemy, radical islam, could still attack, we have a miliary.
- Before 9/11 we weren't listening, now we are listening, are YOU listening?
[ Billary smirks]
-Let's lead this world to freedom. Other worlds, for get 'em.
[Is Billary chewing gum? YES! i wonder what flavor. Must be bitter, Could be her cud]
-American economy Rulz and totally R0X0R5. Immigrants are good!
- Congress, act responsibly, make tax cuts permanent.
- Pass line item veto!
- Baby boomers are booming, Dad likes Bil.
- Democrats cheering, 'We didn't save social security! Yay!"
- World should buy American, American workers are good.
- Border needs control and improvement and some other stuff. But amnesty bad, guest workers good.
- Health insurance is good and folks should have it, maybe govt can help? [what?]
- USA Addicted to oil, advanced energy research.
- Plan for power from clean coal, wind, solar, Nu-ku-lar
[laptop froze up]
- USA needs to stay competitive. more math, more science. Not for me, them.
- Kids need to be smart, suceed so America succeeds. Support this initiative which is hard for me to pronounce.
- Crime low, welfare cases low, drug use down. Sin has really slacked off.
- Everybody here, dems and repubs should be proud, Applaud me!, Not you Jeffords!
- We have new Justices! Yay! Roberts and Alito.
- Justice O'Connor retires. Thanks, babe.
- No clones, no hybrids (except cars) don't sell humans, embryos, life valuable. Too valuable to sell. [Like sex!]
- First lady, wearing pink dress, is doing...something for America.
- NO is in bad shape, [Gov Blanco grimacing], we should rebuild and make better and good for people who think life sucks.
- Ryan White, HIV/AIDS is bad, we should do something, drugs maybe?
- Are we going halfway? No that's weak let go finish well and lead, an do good stuff, forward and confident.
-May God bless America
-Pres drinks, water? vodka? hard to say, looks like shot glass, high fives Supreme Court.
- Shakes more hands, condi
- still shaking hands, taking pictures,
- is Billary holding a cardboard cutout of Abramoff for the camera to get shot with Prez? Nah.
- Update Sheehan arested for bringing an antiwar tshirt.. Who wears a tshirt to SotU? California's next senator that's who.
- Update/Cry for attention:Michelle Malkin links to a lot of live blogging, not mine, but a lot.
Justice Alito... Say It, Biatch!
Posted by Frank J. at 11:07 AM
Hey, wingnuts, what's that I see fleeing? Oh! It's Roe v. Wade? Bye, Roe v. Wade!
Now your daughters won't be able to get abortions... daughters who should have been aborted in the first place if it weren't for Alito to stop you!
So, crazy KosKids, how's it feel to be completely impotent? I mean, you got 25 Senators scared into voting for a filibuster, but that just shows how weak the current Dems are now to actually be influenced by you nutters. Really; all that effort for nothing... just like 2004.
Well, that's it. Alito will now rule away all your rights and round you into camps. Thanks for playing the game.
(thanks to cadet happy for making the images)
January 30, 2006
We Must Save the Democrats to Save the Republicans
Posted by Frank J. at 10:19 AM
What if your livelihood was based on you winning races, but you always had the same opponent: a half-crippled man who could barely see straight as was always stumbling into walls. Also, he drools. How much would you train and condition yourself to make sure you won those races when it took so little effort to win them because how awful your opponent was? You probably wouldn't train at all. Instead, you'd get lazy... maybe even come to the races coked out of your mind (and still win).
This is the problem with the Republicans. To stay in power, they just have to be better than the train wreck that is the Democrats - impotent idiots who still seem to be stuck in a downward spiral. With the bar so low, what's to keep the Republicans from being lazy and corrupt? They know any threat to vote for Democrats instead is just that: a threat. Who would be so stupid as to actually vote for one of those incompetent boobs? Right now, their main area of attack is criticizing Bush for surveillance on terrorists; they're acting like the guy in the Dirty Harry movies who yells at Detective Callahan for bending the rules... even though he's just trying to save people's lives. Everyone always boos that character when he's on screen.
Thus, the only way to improve the Republican Party is to first shake the Democratic Party to its senses. I think the best way to do that is have the Democrats sit down and have a long talk with the KosKids, the people who keep trying to drive them off a cliff as they head towards crazyville (like this lame attempt at a filibuster).
DEMOCRATS: KosKids, we need to talk.
KOSKIDS: Is it about how you are finally going after Bushitler for letting the 9/11 attacks happen and murdering Paul Wellstone?
DEMOCRATS: Let's rephrase that: We Democrats in the leadership need to talk, but you guys need to shut up because you're crazy loons.
KOSKIDS: But Bush is a fascist who...
DEMOCRATS: And you guys are stupid.
KOSKIDS: ...and everything is about oil and Halliburton and...
DEMOCRATS: And you guys smell. You people have to come to grips with that Bush does not want to silence you people because, every time you guys get heard, the Republicans win votes. Also, the government doesn't care to spy on you because no one in the world cares to know anything about you people.
KOSKIDS: But everything is becoming a police state and...
DEMOCRATS: We need you people to shut up; find some other hobby then being paranoid about politics. If all you members of MoveOn.org moved on to jobs in the service sector, that would be great.
KOSKIDS: But we need to fight and...
DEMOCRATS: Here's a big bag of Skittles and a paddle ball game. Why don't you eat some Skittles and put your energy into this paddle ball game while we try to regain some power.
KOSKIDS: But Alito is soon going to be a Justice and then he'll...
DEMOCRATS: I don't hear paddling.
So, readers, what are your ideas to save the Democratic Party?
January 27, 2006
A Frank Fisking: John Kerry's Appeal for Support for His Filibuster
Posted by Frank J. at 09:44 AM
It's looking like this whole filibuster that John Kerry is proposing is doomed to fail... and he knows it. Right now, he's excited the KosKids and DUmmies so much they’re ready to have his children, but this temporary burst of support for Kerry comes at the price of making the Democrat leadership look (more) impotent when the cloture vote happens on Monday.
What a team player.
So, what do I get out of it? A letter from John Kerry to fisk!
Yesterday, Senator Ted Kennedy and I told our colleagues that we supported a filibuster of Judge Alito's nomination for the Supreme Court.
It's cute when Kennedy makes primitive attempts at speech.
And we weren't alone. But the bottom line is that it takes more than two or three people to filibuster successfully.
Even if one of them has the mass of eight?
It's not "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington."
It's not even Dude, Where's My Car?
If you want to stop Judge Alito from becoming Justice Alito, use your own email list and organize.
Can I forward the latest humorous e-mail at the same time, or would that detract from the message?
Wait, this is the latest humorous e-mail I've gotten...
We can't just preach to our own choir.
I wouldn't exactly call the screeching howler monkeys this is targeted at a "choir."
We need to prove to everyone - from our friends and neighbors to our fellow Senators - that the American people know Judge Alito will take our country in the wrong direction, and they expect something to be done about it.
How are we supposed to dupe that many people by Monday? I got in big trouble last time I put LSD in the water supply.
So I'm asking you to join Senator Kennedy, me, and concerned citizens across America who are signing this petition to support a filibuster.
Because there is nothing this country needs more than to hear you and Ted Kennedy drone on endlessly.
Actually, I hear that, every time Ted Kennedy gets on national television, a Republican is elected.
If there was ever a time to forward an email on to friends and family, this is it.
Yeah, I'll send this to my dad right away. He always got a chuckle out of how you accused him and his fellow soldiers of being like "Jenjis" Khan.
One way or another, we're going to find out in the next few days if Judge Alito is going to become Justice Alito.
With bated breath.
You know where I stand.
For the moment…
The time to make your voice heard is now.
That's why I like having a blog.
So please sign this filibuster petition and get as many friends as you can to do the same.
Because nothing affects political fortunes like an internet petition. Actually, is there anything more useless than an internet petition? Like how DU spends all that effort to win at internet polls?
No, I think this is still more useless. Nonetheless, it make the numbnuts feel like they're doing something.
If Judge Alito gets on the Supreme Court, it will be an incredible mistake for America.
But mistakes help us learn! Don't you want us to learn?
And remember, this is one mistake that we can never take back.
There is always assassination of Supreme Court Justices.
Hey! There is always assassination of Supreme Court Justices!
I voted against Justice Roberts, but I feel even more strongly about Judge Alito.
So you should extra vote against this one!
I'm guessing political ambitions.
Rather than live up to the promise of "equal justice under the law," he has consistently made it harder for the most disadvantaged Americans to have their day in court.
By being a judge? Doesn't that put himself out of work?
He routinely defers to excessive government power no matter how much government abuses that power.
I'm sorry, but I just don't buy the argument that hitting a hippy protester in the groin with a nightstick is abuse of power.
And, to this date, his only statement on record regarding a woman's right to privacy is that she doesn't have one.
Is "right to privacy" the new code phrase for abortion, because I'm having trouble keeping up? BTW, what about my "right to privacy"? When do I get to have abortions?
There isn't a shred of doubt in my opposition to Judge Alito's nomination.
And yet I bet you'll still find a reason to flip-flop.
I spent a lot of time over the last few years thinking about what kind of person deserves to sit on the highest court in the land, so I don't hesitate a minute in saying that Judge Alito is not that person.
That would be kind of funny if someone asked you, "Is Judge Alito the kind of person deserves to sit on the highest court in the land?" and you just stood there a minute silent, as you hesitated.
It would be like the 2004 debates all over again!
His entire legal career shows that, if confirmed, he will take America backward.
Like Superman when he wasn't able to stop those missiles in time?
People can say all they want that "elections have consequences."
And red, white, and blue balloons.
Trust me, I understand.
OT, the new Superman movie will come out this summer. That should be cool!
You should have a petition about that.
But that doesn't mean we have to stay silent about Judge Alito's nomination.
Elections sure haven't silenced Al Gore, but, if they did, we'd miss the hilarity.
Speak away, Frenchie!
I'm sorry, but even Seymour Butts find this one too useless to participate in.
President Bush had the opportunity to nominate someone who would unite the country in a time of extreme division.
Who? A magical sorcerer? Someone with the power to hypnotize the entire country?
He chose not to do this, and that is his right.
He chose not to nominate someone who would unite the entire country same as he chose not to flap his arms and fly.
But we have every right -- in fact, we have a responsibility -- to fight against a radical ideological shift on the Supreme Court.
Yeah, gotta stop that radical ideology of consulting the Constitution on Constitutional decisions.
This nomination was a sellout to the demands of the extreme right wing of the Republican Party.
Yay! Score one for me!
The president gave no thought to what the American people really wanted - or needed.
Are you saying I'm not people now? Is this because I'm part Italian?
Why do you hate wops, Senator?
So now that the president and Judge Alito have proven they won't stand up for the majority of Americans, we have to stand up.
You guys don't even stand up to pee.
We have to speak out.
Speaking out is about all you guys do now.
That's the true meaning of "advice and consent."
We'll have to redefine it to "Shut yer pie-hole!"
Oh, yeah, sure; now you're sincere.
...the haughty, French-looking Massachusetts Democrat, who, by the way, served in Vietnam.
Say hi to Justice Alito for me Tuesday!
January 25, 2006
The New Democratic Code of Conduct
Posted by Harvey at 08:42 PM
Congressional Democrats will be attempting to grab the moral high-ground by making ethics an issue in 2006. Specifically, they want to introduce a new Congressional "code of conduct", hoping to take advantage of the public's perception of scandal over the Abramoff affair.
Sure, Harry Reid funnels money to Nevada churches, Nancy Pelosi is "suddenly" remembering $8500 worth of vacations provided to her by lobbyists, and there aren't enough pixels in the entire internet to list all the wild spinnings of Ted Kennedy's moral compass - but still, I'm sure there's a lot the Dems can teach us about being well-behaved, as illustrated by these fake (but accurate) excerpts from the new Congressional Code of Conduct:
* Don't vote for any bridge projects unless they include provisions for guard rails which can withstand the impact of a 1967 Oldsmobile Delta 88.
* The use of the phrase "President Bush" in a speech is forbidden unless the sentence also includes the words "liar", "Nazi", "failure", "warmonger", and/or "retard".
* Do NOT use tinfoil hats, as they've been shown to actually INCREASE one's susceptability to Karl Rove's mind-control rays.
* Prove how dangerous guns are by having your Secret Service bodyguard shoot people at random.
* Make sure he hits an Affirmative Action quota's worth of black people, lest you be accused of racism.
* Tell the victims' families that it was the Republicans' fault for not spending more on body armor.
* Don't take bribes. If someone offers you money in return for a promise to vote a certain way on a bill, that's a bribe. Just take the money and wink slyly - that way there's technically no promise involved, and it's considered a "campaign contribution".
* Avoid using the racist and offensive term "terrorist". Use "person of shrapnel" instead.
* Al Gore is NOT a piece of furniture - that's just his personality. Don't set your drink on him.
* If you do set your drink on him, at least use a coaster.
* Even if you just had a baby, don't offer a cigar to Hillary Clinton. It makes her twitchy for some reason.
* Carpooling can help save the Earth's precious, dwindling resources. Make sure there are at least two people in your vehicle at all times - for example, you and your limo driver.
* Whenever possible, shoot spitballs at that backstabber Zell Miller.
* If you accidentally put out his eye, blame the Republicans for not buying him body armor.
* True, body armor wouldn't have prevented an eye injury, buy your constituents are too stupid to figure that out, so there's no need to pass up a perfectly good opportunity to blame Republicans.
* NO MORE CRYING!... [looking your way, Voinovich]
Of course, none of this will help once word of the Democratic mining scandal gets out.
January 23, 2006
I Guess I Better Draft Condoleezza Rice
Posted by Frank J. at 02:35 PM
According to John Hawkins’s new blogger poll (which I forgot to participate in this time), Condoleezza Rice is the favorite for conservatives for the next President. The only problem is that she has not said that she will run. Many people have tried to draft Condoleezza Rice, but not me! I think I'll write her a letter that should convince her for sure:
Dear Condoleezza Rice,
If that won't do it, nothing will.
January 19, 2006
Destined for the Bargin Bin
Posted by Frank J. at 12:42 PM
So, now there's another new audiotape from Osama bin Laden, and that just shows how backwards these Islamists are in that they still haven't moved onto CDs. Why can't he publish his threats on iTunes?
So does he have enough material for a greatest hits album now?
Osama bin Laden's Greatest Hits
January 18, 2006
In My World: You Can't Strangle an Infidel with Nuclear Arms
Posted by Frank J. at 12:35 PM
"I will make New Orleans a chocolate town again!" Mayor Ray Nagin said. "And, if time permits, I will add a chewy nougat center. The important thing to remember, though, is that God hit us with a hurricane to punish the black community for its violence. He was also punishing us for the illegal war in Iraq; the reason he hasn't attacked Bush, though, is because God is an elitist Who has a double standard for rich white men!"
The heavens then opened up and a loud voice boomed, "How dare you try and pin this on Me, you incompetent boob! I wasn't the one Who left all those buses underwater!"
A giant hand then came from the heavens and started thrashing Nagin about. Pat Robertson emerged from the crowd and shouted, "God must be punishing Nagin because he's a homosexual!"
"You shut up!" God responded. "You're next!"
Bush changed the channel on the TV. Gore was on screen giving a speech. "Bush needs to be investigated to see if those NSA wiretaps are illegal... which they were!" Gore thrashed his arms around in threatening fashion. "Gore-bot has determined Bush is threat! Gore-bot destroy! Bush is ruining America... the same as iPod Nanos! Those are a conspiracy to control our brains!"
One of the hobos on the street corner watching him coughed.
"How dare you interrupt me!"
Bush chuckled. "Somewhere sits an unopened bottle of meds prescribed to Albert Gore."
Condoleezza Rice entered the room. "Are you watching TV?"
"I'm watching the news and not cartoons this time! Honest!"
Condi turned off the TV. "Nagin and Gore count as cartoons. You need to confront Iran about their nuclear program."
Bush groaned. "But I don't wanna! You think you can tell me what to do just because you're my vice-president, but you can’t!"
"I'm the Secretary of State."
"Oh... so how are all the states doing? I've been having some concern about Vermont."
Condi rolled her eyes. "I deal with foreign affairs, moron."
"Oh yeah... just like Powell did." Bush thought for a moment. "So what's it with black people and being the Secretary of State?"
Condi tossed a phone at Bush. "Just call the President of Iran... and make sure to use your threatening voice."
"But I hate using the phone," Bush grumbled as he began to dial the phone. "I never know when the NSA is spying on me." Bush put the phone to his ear. "Hello, President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad? This is President George W. Bush."
"What do you want, infidel?"
"I heard you guys are starting a nuclear program, and I don't quite cotton to that."
"We're just making nuclear power plants, American pig-dog."
"Okay; that's cool." Bush hung up the phone and turned to Condi. "It's just for nuclear power."
"Idiot!" Condi yelled at him. "Are you just going to take their word on that? The Iranian government is evil!"
"Fine; I'll call him back, but now I'll just feel like I'm bugging him." Bush redialed. "Hey, Mahmoud, it's Dubya again."
"You're trying my patience, infidel."
"Yeah, well, I was just wondering what you guys need all that nuclear power for?"
"To kill joooos."
"Okay; as long as you have an explanation." Bush hung up the phone and leaned back in his seat as he yawned. He then suddenly sprung to his feet. "Wait! Killing Jews is bad!"
"That's why we need to do something," Condi asserted.
"Can't we just turn a blind eye to Israel and let them handle it like they did with Iraq's nuclear program?"
"No, because they'd have to fly over Iraq to reach Iran, which means we'd have to explicitly give them permission."
Bush shook his fist in the air. "Stupid geography! Always working against me! I guess we'll have to do something, then. Summon the Rumsfeld with the Rumsfeld signal!"
"Donald!" Condi yelled out.
A angry rottweiler ran into the room and tore apart a chair with vengeance. Soon walked in Donald Rumsfeld. "Chomps is full of rage; that means a new war is near."
"Well, we do need to do something about Iran," Bush said.
"We have plans for that," Rumsfeld answered. "We'll infect the populace with a virus that turns them into man-eating zombies who will tear each other apart. My grandson got the idea from a videogame."
"No more zombie plagues!" Bush shouted. "Anyway, a lot of the populace is pro-America and we shouldn't hurt them."
"Rarr!" Rumsfeld yelled as he punched a whole in the wall. "My job is to kill people! If you want people not killed, you talk to someone else!" Rumsfeld then stormed out of the room. Chomps snarled and then followed him.
"I guess some hard diplomacy is the only answer," Bush answered, "Let's send a fruit basket to Mahmoud with a note asking him to pretty please stop his nuclear program... and let's poison the fruit."
"And what do you expect that to accomplish?" Condi asked.
"I don't think through my actions," Bush said, "The enemy can't tell what you're thinking if you don't think - that's straight from The Art of War by General Tso."
Condi sighed. "I'll go tell Scott McClellan to expect a firestorm from the press."
Bush looked worried. "The press has learned how to use fire?!"
"Well, a nuclear war will make for a good memoir," Condi muttered as she left the room.
January 17, 2006
You Learn Something New Every Day
Posted by Frank J. at 02:13 PM
My dad has always been a huge coffee drinker and taught me to drink it strong and black (he's banned from making coffee at work since he makes it too strong). I was talking to him over the phone the other day discussing how to make the strongest cup of coffee. I said I prefer the darkest roast available, because it gives me the strongest taste and the best pick me up. At that point, an NSA operative broke into the conversation and said that, while darker roasts taste stronger, they have less caffeine since the roasting process actually burns off caffeine.
Never thought of that.
January 16, 2006
Who's Running Iran?
Posted by Frank J. at 12:31 PM
To further enhance their standing as a serious nation in this world, the government of Iran is going to hold a conference questioning the validity of the Holocaust. Other plans from Iran to prove what a serious and nuclear weapons worthy nation they are:
* Send some stout ships to locate the edge of the world and slay the dragons there.
* New map design that allows you to wipe Israel off it with a damp sponge.
* A conference on the connection between earthquakes and Jews.
* Write up formal plans for who to suicide bomb once all non-Muslims have been eliminated.
* Take another look at whether the invention of the wheel goes against the Koran.
* Reforms to finally bring their government into the 19th century.
* New guidelines for Ayatollahs to keep them from being mistaken for members of ZZ Top.
* Settle the issue once and for all over whether eating Turkey bacon is blasphemous.
January 12, 2006
January 11, 2006
In My World: The Alito Hearings
Posted by Frank J. at 12:42 PM
"Let's start these hearing on the confirmation of Samuel Alito," Sen. Arlen Specter announced, "Any points of order?"
"Can we insert intermissions in Senator Biden's 'questions' 'cause I can't always hold it that long?" Alito asked.
"And I'd like to make a statement," President Bush said.
"Go ahead," Specter answered.
Bush stood up and fixed his suit. "Alito is a good judge. You better all vote to confirm him." He then shook his fist at the Democrats before sitting back down.
"Let's move on to questioning," Specter said.
"Good," Senator Chuck Schumer stated, "Now Alito doesn't have his mafia goons to hide behind."
"They're sanitation workers, and you better show them respect, you mook!" Alito threatened.
"It's Senator Biden's turn to speak," Specter interrupted, "Everyone can use this as nap time if they want."
"I'd like to start my question with an anecdote from my childhood that I don't quite remember," Biden said, "Once, when scared by a butterfly, I..."
A large gray thing hit Biden in the face and knocked him to the ground.
"We agreed that Alito was not allowed to bring any rocks to these hearings!" Schumer exclaimed.
"That was a chunk of concrete!" Alito said defensively.
"It's the same thing!"
"Oh yeah?" Alito scoffed. "If a chunk of concrete is a rock, tell me whether it's igneous, sedimentary, or metamorphic?"
"He's getting geological on your ass!" Bush laughed. "No wonder people call him and his friends 'wiseguys.'"
"Is the President allowed to make quips during this session?" Schumer questioned.
"According to the Constitution, I can make quips during any formal Senate hearing," Bush said.
Schumer was silent for a moment. "Well, I guess there is no way to prove or disprove that."
Specter looked to the floor. "I guess Biden will not be continuing, so it's now Senator Brownback's turn for questions."
"First off, I'd like to say how great it is to have such a qualified candidate at Judge Alito," Brownback said, "I'm sure he'll..."
"Ahh! Somebody stop him!" Schumer screamed as Alito had him in a headlock and kept punching him in the head.
"It's... not... your... turn... to... talk!" Alito said, punching Schumer in the head as emphasis to each syllable.
"Alito is right," Specter stated. "If you wish to plead for mercy, Senator Schumer, you'll have to ask Senator Brownback to cede some time to you."
"I'm not going to do that," Brownback responded immediately, "Anyway, Judge Alito, what are your views on the concept of the Constitution being a living document?"
"I think the Constitution is very solid on many things," Alito answered, still holding Schumer in a headlock, "much like this table in front of me. But, when enough pressure is applied..." Alito then slammed Schumer head through the table. "...it will give. I hope that answers your question."
"It's now Senator Kennedy's turn," Specter said.
Alito stared at the globular mass before him. "It's like someone put Jabba the Hut in a suit."
"Gerwargerwaggle!" Kennedy exclaimed as he flailed his tiny limbs and ripped some flesh from the ham hock he had in hand.
"I'm sorry," Alito answered, "I'm not sure how this is possible, but I don't think I can hear you over your own stench of whiskey."
"Wargherbagleergh!" Kennedy yelled, flailing his arms around some more.
Alito looked to Specter. "I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do here; I feel like I should be paying someone a nickel a gander for this guy."
Specter frowned. "He might need his adult diapers changed, but I'm not doing it. I guess we'll move on." Specter looked at the list in front of him. "I guess it's Senator Durbin's turn."
There was a loud crash, and everyone looked to see that an IROC had crashed through the wall and parked on top of Dick Durbin.
Schumer clutching his head, stood up. "Alito just ran over Senator Durbin!"
Alito got out of the car. "Hey, I found the car this way and ran over to move it, but I guess now I won't since everyone is yelling at me. Know what? Fugeddaboutit; I'm outta here. These whole hearing are the biggest insult to me since I found out I was the second choice to Harriet Miers."
Bush laughed for a second and then suddenly stopped. "Oh, wait."
"Somebody help me!" Durbin squeaked, still stuck under a tire.
Specter flipped through a rule book. "Anyone know the proper Senatorial procedures for removing a car from on top of a Senator?" He closed the book. "Let's figure it out after lunch."
January 10, 2006
I Don't Like What I'm Hearing
Posted by Frank J. at 03:37 PM
Ah! These Alito hearings are boring and pointless, but they're all that's going on politically right now. It's all a floor show, but it could be worse.
TOP TEN WAYS THE ALITO HEARING COULD BE MORE POINTLESS
10. Make it one long monologue by Senator Biden.
9. Conduct it in Esperanto.
8. Spend an hour trying to teach Ted Kennedy how to pronounce UH-LEE-TOE.
7. Everyone is supposed to scream really loud if anyone says "stare decisis."
6. All questions and statements must be in the form of a baseball analogy.
5. Have Ted Kennedy do a dramatic reading of his children's book about his dog named Splash.
4. Give Coco the Gorilla a chance to question Alito (if this in place of Biden or Kennedy, this would actually improve the hearings, though).
3. Constant recesses to find the beach ball that was being hit around the room.
2. Have Alito publically analyze the plot to A League of Their Own and explain what it teaches about gender diversity.
And the number one way the Alito hearings could be more pointless...
Have it instead be a hearing about Harriet Miers.
January 04, 2006
How Dumb Is the Democratic Base?
Posted by Frank J. at 11:17 AM
According to Howard Dean's calculations, they must be pretty damn dumb (of course, they're responsible for Dean becoming the DNC chair, and that guy is about as politically smart as Lyndon LaRouche).
Anyway, I got an e-mail about signing a petition against Judge Samuel Alito, and we all know that internet petitions are about zero for a billion in causing any actual political change. Still, here it is:
We now know that George Bush personally ordered American intelligence services to spy on American citizens without the consent of any court and repeatedly directed officials to take actions that explicitly violated the law.
That there is a long sentence. So what laws were violated, pray tell?
Our courts are the last line of defense against abuses of power like this, and every judicial nominee must demonstrate that they will honor their most important responsibility: protecting our rights and freedoms.
Sure, but when was the last time a judge did that. You'd think their actual job is to go mad with power.
Samuel Alito will not.
Then he's just following precedent; I thought you guys liked precedent.
During the course of his judicial career, Samuel Alito has compiled a record of looking the other way when abuses of power threaten our basic freedoms.
Makes him sound like a referee for Pro-Wrestling.
He has deferred to unscrupulous prosecutors who constructed all-white juries to try black defendants.
Well, if the whites were racist and unfair, yell at them. And what was the defense doing during jury selection? Sleeping?
He repeatedly failed to protect our right to privacy. He was even the lone judge voting to uphold the illegal strip-search of a 10-year old girl.
Well, if more joined him, it would have been a legal strip-search, wouldn’t it?
Next week Judge Alito's confirmation hearings will begin. Already over 750,000 people have signed a petition asking Senators to oppose Alito -- today I add my name.
What took you so long? You make the guy sound like the reincarnation of Hitler, but you're spending your time foaming at the mouth on talk shows.
Please join me:
I.P. Freely now supports your cause.
A broad coalition of groups will deliver this petition to Senators in less than 48 hours.
The problem is when you try to organize the anarchists to be a part of your coalition, they never come on time.
You and I have the chance to push the total over a million if we spread the word.
The bigger it is, the more fun to ignore.
Moderate Republicans who have expressed concern about the domestic spying program also have serious questions about Judge Alito, and an outpouring from ordinary Americans could force them to do the right thing and vote against him.
Yeah, because the NSA has so much to do with appointing a Supreme Court justice. But you might as well throw everything you can into an e-mail to see what will rile up the moonbats.
Even before the domestic spying story broke, Senators in both parties had expressed concern about Judge Alito's credibility.
On everything from his ideological streaks to his rulings in cases where he had a clear conflict of interest, Judge Alito seems to be willing to say whatever it takes to get confirmed.
Which is a quite bit less that saying all it takes to keep him from being confirmed.
After bragging about his membership in an ultra-conservative group on his college campus to boost his right-wing credentials, he's now waffling on exactly what his relationship with the group was.
What? Where? Details!
And he explicitly broke a promise he made under oath to the Senate that he would recuse himself from cases where he had a personal financial interest.
"And he murdered the pope on several occasions." Is it even remotely possible you'll back up any of these allegations?
Across the country more and more people are realizing that if Judge Alito is confirmed, the impact on our rights and our lives will be felt for generations.
Then I guess your job is done.
Actually, I don't think about anyone is paying attention to this right now, but good for you to be politically involved, Dean.
Join the drive for a million people calling on the Senate to reject the Alito nomination:
Ben Dover is now leading the charge!
Judge Alito's record of currying favor with the extreme right and favoring government power over individual liberties might make him qualified as a favorite speaker at conservative think tanks, but it does not qualify him to sit on the Supreme Court.
I think his years as a judge may add to his qualifications, but that's not really here nor there.
People who put politics over the rule of law cannot be trusted to guard our freedoms. Every American should shudder at the prospect of a judge with a history of ethical lapses and appeasing right-wing extremists getting a lifetime appointment to the highest court in the land.
Yeah, and he eats puppies and rejected your plan for a bike path; we know.
Send a message to Senators now and join the 750,000 Americans speaking out against this dangerous nomination:
Deans A. Knutt has signed on!
The Senate must reject Samuel Alito.
But it ain't; hope you had fun writing the e-mail, though.
M.D.? So what's his bedside manner like?
P.S. -- For more information about Judge Alito's deeply concerning ethical lapses and ideological rulings, see these resources:
Nah; had enough crap for one sitting.
So, this is the state of the Democratic Party; no leadership, no plan, no coherency, but they have a useless internet petition to sign. If this is really enough to satiate the base, next thing they should do for them is hand out shiny baubles.
January 02, 2006
Frank J.'s 100% Guaranteed 2006 Predictions
Posted by Frank J. at 08:38 AM
Yeah, so I've already had one day of 2006 to collect data unlike other predictors, but that will just make mine all the more accurate.
* Not sure how long or when until the death toll in Iraq reaches the next big round number of 3,000, the ghoulish left will now make a big deal anytime the number killed in Iraq is a prime number.
* As more heavily Democratic cities like New Orleans are hit with huge, natural disasters, the idea that President Bush has a weather machine will move from theory to accepted fact to be feared.
* Many of the Democratic Party's base will turn against the hawkish Joe Lieberman, but they will be no match for Joe-mentum which will kill thousands and leave Lieberman ruling the Democratic Party with an iron fist.
* The temperatures this year, whether hot, cold, or lukewarm, will be hailed as proof of global warming.
* Michael Moore's next movie will be pushed back a year when, unable to wait ten minutes for his assistant to bring back McDonalds, he will eat the first cut.
* According to inside sources, lots of information will be leaked this next year.
* In November, the Republicans will once again add to their majorities in the House and Senate. Having gone bankrupt and unable to pay its bookies, the Democratic Party will have its thumbs broken by the Mafia.
* The majority of the audience for DailyKos.com and DemocraticUnderground.com will become psychologists writing papers on mental breakdowns.
* Blogs will mobilize against the growing threat to their power: podcasts. Most will dismiss them since they don't even own an iPod.
* Due to decreasing audiences for the MSM, they will completely cut their budget for reporting and just make stuff up or report on what they read off the 'net... unless that's already happened.
* Due to the increasing popularity of suicide bombings, they will cease to exist.
* In a new compromise, the Palestinians will finally be given a state. Its location will greatly anger research scientists and penguins. Morgan Freeman will narrate the new arrangement.
* As the popularity of freedom increases in the Middle East, the Europeans will consider having freedoms themselves. Freedom will be rejected, though, in favor of a 30 hour work week.
* North Korea will develop nuclear weapons and destroy themselves in an attempted attack on South Korea. The last intercepted transmission out of the country will be: "What Korea are we again?"
* China will continue to supply us with cheap merchandise while secretly plotting our demise.
* I will be able to cut and paste the previous bullet point for predictions for the next ten years.
* The IMAO team will become rich and famous in 2006, get high on our success, and then burnout, blaming each other and finally splitting up. Cadet Happy's solo album will be the only individual success, though he will be pretending to be me.
* Tickets for our reunion tour in December are on sale now.
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Frank on Guns
Frank Reads the Bible
Frank the Artist
Fred Thompson Facts
Hellbender Take Two
Hillary Clinton Terrible Truths
I Hate Frank
If I Were President
IMAO for the Non-Deaf
IMAO Think Tank
In My World
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Songs & Poems
State of the Frank Report
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WEsistance Is Facile
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By MonthDecember 2008