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Bite-Sized Wisdom Archives

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September 12, 2008
Bite-Sized Wisdom
Posted by Frank J. at 10:39 AM

* For liberals all depressed that Palin is stealing all of Obama's momentum, here's a way to commit suicide... if you're bad ass enough! (you're not)

* Our military needs more lasers. Not just lasers from planes and lasers from space, but also ground based lasers and hand held lasers. America's enemies should always be in fear of getting shot by a laser and have no idea where it will come from.

* Obama may be planning on getting more personal in his attacks on McCain because you know how well Obama will measure up to McCain character wise. Extremely vague policy talk may not be working out for you, Obama, but it's all you've got; stick with it.

* If Obama goes personal against Palin, she should just give him a wedgy and take his lunch money. What's he going to do? Complain he was bullied by a girl. He'll be laughed off the national stage.

* Is Biden campaigning now? I mean, is he going city to city attracting groups of four or five people and talking up Obama. What was his purpose again?

* What's the point of cats? I guess they used to kill mice for people. We don't have a mouse problem, so I asked my wife if I could take the cats and put them burlap sack and throw them in a bog. She said no.

* It almost looks like McCain has saved the Republican Party and conservatives with his pick of Palin. For a while, it was looking like we'd have to have Democrats in charge before we could regain our momentum, but now we're pumped and ready to kick ass. We might have to build a statue for McCain. Here's my idea: Make it a extremely regal statue, and while your standing around in admiration it suddenly kicks you in nuts for no reason. That's maverick action right there!

* Of course, conservatives will always win in the end. We have to fight for this country as we just don't have any other place to go. If liberals want to see their pansy-ass ideasl in action, they always have Europe, but America is the last bastion of freedom and conservative ideals, so if that all gets thrown to the wayside, the only option left is to put a flag on a floating platform out in the ocean and declare it "Frank J-istan."

Rating: 2.7/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (46)
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September 04, 2008
Quote of the Day
Posted by Harvey at 05:58 AM

From Dilbert creator Scott Adams:

Yesterday I asked what role the government should have in fostering alternative energy breakthroughs. The people who think the government can help a lot with this sort of thing often cite two examples:

1. Kennedy's race to the moon

2. The Manhattan Project to build a nuclear bomb

What do those two efforts have in common? Answer: no profit.


Rating: 1.9/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (8)
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August 27, 2008
The Trouble With Socialized Medicine - Nutshell Version
Posted by Harvey at 11:06 AM

It's an imprudent choice to provide the government with a financial incentive to prefer to see you dead rather than ill.

Rating: 3.5/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (16)
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June 01, 2006
Bite-Sized Wisdom: Now with Lesbians
Posted by Frank J. at 12:00 PM

* Iran will talk, but they say they won't give up their "nuclear rights." What? First, it was a "right" to free healthcare and now it's a "right" to nuclear missiles. Stupid liberals. They're going to get us all nuked and then we'll have to wait two weeks for a doctor to see us about our horrible radioactive mutations.

But it will be "free."

* Speaking of nukes, North Korea wants to talk to us still, but no one cares. Come on, Norks, you're a bunch of starving people without oil who may have a couple nukes which, if the wind helps, might reach Seoul. You’re just not a priority right now. Stand in line, and we'll worry about you after we knock down a few other problems first.

* Some Marines may have massacred civilians at Haditha, so now everyone is getting "values training." Oy. I had the "Don't Indiscriminately Kill Children" training at work, and it was really boring. I completely zoned out after about ten minutes of it. I didn't get a thing out of it, and, if you asked me when it's appropriate to open fire on children, I honestly don't know.

And don't care.

* BTW, just a point of order on some terminology for the Marines in the audience (you there, Joe foo’?). Now, if you say someone is a Marine, I assume he's either active duty or in the reserves. So, is the term for a retired Marine "former Marine"? And the term for Murtha would be "ex-Marine," right?

* A double-amputee Iraq-war vet is suing Michael Moore for using a clip of him in Fahrenheit 9/11 to make him look anti-war when he isn't (I can just hear liberal now saying, "Of course he's pro-war... now. He lost two arms so he knows they won't send him back. Chickenhawk!"). This may wound Moore, but I think what really needs to be done is a class-action lawsuit against Moore for being so fat and ugly. Is there anyone nearly as fat and ugly as Moore that we're forced to see so much on TV and in the news? I know it's caused me mental duress.

Yes, and now I can hear some liberals saying, "You're just focusing on his appearance to dodge having to deal with the salient issues he brings up!" And you're dodging the issue that he's fat and ugly, which I know you have no defense against.

* Senator Harry Reid says he will no longer take free boxing tickets. Thus, the world is once again safe for democracy. I'm sorry, but it was just hard for me to care about this issue. When I was less-disillusioned and more partisan, if I heard that Sen. Reid accepted free ringside seats to boxing matches from a Nevada agency trying to influence him on federal boxing legislation, my first reaction would have been, "STONE HIM!!!" This time, it was, "So, were the fights any good?"

* BTW, one thing I like about boxing is that it’s the purest of sports. The game is simply to hit the other guy over and over until he stops trying to get up.

But, if there is no knockout, then it goes to the judges and becomes no more of sport than figure skating. I'm sorry, if you need a panel to tell you who won, then that is not a sport. And you know the French judge is going to give both the boxers low scores since he finds violence so abhorrent. Someone should punch him.

* Kos has picked who he thinks will be the GOP's strongest candidate for 2008: Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee. Memorial services for Huckabee will be held at 3pm today.

* Why do we pay Kos any attention? Not only is he a despicable human being, he's yet to successfully help any candidate win office. He may have a lot of fringe nuts behind him, but they're still fringe nuts. Yes, the Democrats do pay him attention as his approval does mean fund-raising, but how long can they tell him they like him while patting him on the head with a ten foot poll before he freaks out on them?

* Batwoman is now going to be a lesbian. I'm not a comic reader, so I'm not sure how big a deal it is for there to be gay superheroes. I mean, Aquaman has been around since the 40's. Still, I guess the controversy is they're taking an established character and now making her gay. What's next? Gay Superman? The Amazingly Queer Spiderman? A scandal at Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters where boys say that Charles Xavier had been touching them with his mind... inappropriately?

Of course, with all those flamboyant costumes, I bet a lot of people already assumed most superheroes are gay.

* BTW, I sent out a newsletter last night which everyone who signed up should have gotten this morning. Yeah, I'm still doing that. It's not yet another thing in the graveyard of abandoned Frank J. ideas.

* And, as I pimped it in the newsletter, I'm going to pimp it again now since I'm hoping they'll publish me: Jim Baen's Universe, the new SF magazine premiers today. I've only had a chance so far to read one thing on it which was an article about an SF writer's attempts to get his stories to film without the studio execs butchering everything (especially the science part of science fiction). It was pretty funny while giving one a good look into why studios put out so much crap these days.

Then again, you give me a movie with Wolverine running around cutting people and I’m entertained.

So, if you like stories and cool articles, check out Jim Baen’s Universe (there's plenty to view for free):

Baens Universe Logo
Help Save Science Fiction at Jim Baen's Universe!

Baen has been giving out lots of reading material for free on the internet for some time. It's sort of a drug-dealer model: first sample is free, and then you have to pay for it. It worked on my brother, the poor SF reading foo'.

He’s a Marine – neither former nor ex.

And a geek.

Rating: 2.6/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (17)
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May 24, 2006
Bite-Sized Wisdom: Now Extra Chewy
Posted by Frank J. at 10:34 AM

* I hear Vicente Fox is in Utah speaking out against fences on the borders. And then he went in front of a nearby Home Depot and spoke about how great a day laborer he is. He's now making four bucks an hour working on some guy's yard and there is no indication he's going back to Mexico.

* So are all the jobs taken in Mexico, or are there jobs that Mexicans won't do which they give to low-paid Guatemalans?

* You hear about this Jesse Macbeth character pretending (poorly) to be a Army Ranger and that he killed hundreds of civilians under orders? The moonbats were jumping all over this because they really want to believe our military is wantonly slaughtering civilians in a manner reminiscent of Jenjis Khan. You've seen how excited Murtha got about that ongoing case in Iraq? Little tip to our service men and women: Don't kill Iraqi civilians for sport; that will play right into the left's hands.

Or, if you have to slaughter civilians, keep quiet about it.

* I think I heard Bush's poll numbers may have gone back into the forties. According to Kos-logic, that would put him in "striking distance" of being the most popular president ever.

* I know you wouldn't expect me to take a stance against an obviously corrupt politician in the rival party, but I have to say that William J. Jefferson was wrong to take bribe money. And I am brave to say that.

And what's with hiding it in the freezer? What a maroon. You hide it in the crib under the baby... or is that drugs?

* One last thing: Taylor Hicks better be the next American Idol or I will have lost my faith in democracy. Soul Patrol! Soul Patrol! Woo!

Rating: 2.9/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (6)
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May 04, 2006
Bite-Sized Wisdom: Somewhat Asinine Edition
Posted by Frank J. at 01:05 PM

* Thanks for the suggestions, but they were asinine. I guess that's why I write the humor and you guys read it.

* So, Moussaoui gets life in prison. I've always been somewhat ambivalent on the death penalty, but I think that, if you are going to give someone death, don't do it some wussy way like by lethal injection. That doesn't scare anyone. Instead, sentence people to be beaten to death by a hammer.

JUDGE: I sentence you to be beaten with a hammer until dead.

BALIFF: Coo'. I'm off to the hardware store.

* Of course, other countries will be like, "America is so brutal that they beat people to death with hammers." Other countries always miss the point; they're so stupid. One day, we have to get rid of other countries.

* So Geena Davis's "Paving the Way for a Hillary Presidency" show was canceled proving that Americans just aren't ready to watch boring tripe... well, at least boring tripe starring Geena Davis.

* They should do a show about me as President. "Is America ready to have an in your face blogger as President?" Yeah, I'm too young to be President, but it's TV - you don't have to be realistic. I mean, they have this one show about a liberal President who is tough and principled; you might as well give him a dragon as a VP.

* Speaking of dragons, my short story "No Good Deed" is in the approval process for the Jim Baen's Universe SF magazine. If it gets published, then I'll have actual writing credentials. Right now, if I go to some publisher and say, "Well, I write daily for a popular blog," they just punch me in the face.

* I'm also working on my next short story. I was reading 1984 the other day and said to myself, "This could make a great comedy."

* But enough about me; let's talk about Cheney. Apparently he was giving the leaders of Russia a verbal smackdown. While Ronald Reagan scared Russia away from being Communist, I guess this whole "not being evil" thing is just a bit too much. What they really need are baby steps. Instead of killing dissenters, they just rough them up a bit. Maybe later, they can lay off them entirely... but take your time.

* I miss Reagan. In my TV series, I should have Robo-Reagan as my Chief of Staff.

* So are we going to do anything about Iran? I'm pretty sure (as usual) the U.N. will do nothing. I'm not convinced that Iran is crazy enough to do anything with nukes (dogs that bark that loud are just frustrated, not necessarily violent), but they probably shouldn't have them. We should take their nukes and give them to Canada, because I don't think Canada has any.

"Good work on the space robot arm; here's some nukes."

That should help Canada's self-esteem, and I think it’s our job to foster that.

* Another neighbor who needs more self-esteem is Mexico. They were even thinking of turning to drugs. There's not too much nice to say about Mexico, but maybe America could run ads in Mexico bad-mouthing ourselves so people will stay.

"America: Liberals say our leader is just like Hitler!"

"America: The salsa here is not so great."

"America: Watch yourself, or we'll beat you to death with a hammer."

* Well, that's all I have to say for now except that, if you're near Tonga, look for cover.

Rating: 2.8/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (14)
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April 13, 2006
Bite-Sized Wisdom: Still Need More Coffee Edition
Posted by Frank J. at 02:43 PM

* I keep hearing how Iran is on the path to getting nuclear weapons, but I don't think that's a good thing. I've seen some of those people from the Iranian government, and, I'm sorry to say, I just don't trust them. I don't think they want nukes for peaceful purposes at all. Someone may want to do something about this.

* There was like a DNC rep from Texas on FOX and Friends to talk about illegal immigration, and I'm pretty sure she didn't speak English. They kept asking her complex questions about the debate, and she just stared like a deer in the headlights before responding with a couple words that seemed to be her best guess as to something related to the question. The FOX people looked like they were doing all they could not to crack up.

I'm not one of those "Speak English!" nazis, but if you're going to be representing one of America's two major two parties to an English speaking audience, it's kinda a good idea to at least be a little fluent.

* I don't like people who don't know English reading IMAO. Who knows what they may be thinking!

* My dog Rowdi chased my cat Sydney yesterday. SarahK got all mad at Rowdi, but, if Sydney didn't have something to hide, why did she run?

* There is all this debate about executing Moussaoui, but he just seems too goofy to be executed. I mean, he's just trying too hard to look evil, but it seems like the reason he wasn't part of the 9/11 attacks is because all the other terrorists knew he was just a goofball. Maybe we could set him up like we were going to execute - strap him to a chair and everything - and then have a bunch of people whack him in the crotch with wiffleball bats. That's seems more apropos.

Or kill him. Not like I'm going to lose sleep over it.

* My brother called me the other day and told me how he was training with live grenades and accidentally started the fuse while it was still in his hand. He still waited until the instructor said "Throw!" before tossing it, though.

Just a little anecdote for anyone wondering why I call him Joe foo' the Marine.

* Hopefully, Joe will get into Officer Training School in June. He should make a good officer since he now has combat experience and is quite smart for a Marine since he is able to count to twenty even with his shoes and socks on.

* I kid! Who doesn't like the Marines? If you’re stuck in Iraq with insurgents blowing stuff up all around you, it's not like the Navy is going to come save you.

* Then again, if I'm getting attacked by a giant squid, I hope they send the Navy. I had a college roommate in Navy ROTC, and half the classes were about learning the vulnerabilities of the dreaded squid.

* Sorry, but I'm just having trouble coming up with funny this week. I'm tired out on the illegal immigration topic, and nothing else is jumping out at me. Sometimes funny is easy, and other times it's like pulling teeth. Maybe I should go with the tried and true making fun of liberals.

* Have you seen liberals these days? What a bunch of morons. What kind of crack are they smoking? They should really go back to their crack dealers and say, "Hey, this crack you gave me is bad. Just look at these editorials I wrote in the NYTimes. That's really messed up, dude." Then the crack dealer will probably shoot the liberal since that's what crack dealers do. You really can't trust those guys. Never let them watch your kids.

* Any other advice about crack dealers? Please put it in the comments. People need to know.

Rating: 2.1/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (14)
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March 30, 2006
Bite-Sized Wisdom: The Return!
Posted by Frank J. at 11:02 AM

* I used to do this feature Bite-Sized Wisdom because then I could just do a bunch of little jokes with a bullet points instead of putting them together in some semi-coherent form like my editorials and In My Worlds™. It seemed like that would work really well with my short attention span, but then I forgot all about it because... you know... my short attention span.

* I feel like I should say more about illegal immigrants, but it's just one of those issues that doesn't move me. From my point of view, any sane person should want to be in America and do anything he or she can to get here. Still, the illegals really lose my sympathy when they prance around with Mexican flags. Hey, the whole reason you guys are here is because your country sucks. Sure, it may have culture you're proud of, but obviously economy trumps all. What is culture worth in the end? A few tourist dollars for clay pots? Tell me, what would you rather have? The Day of the Dead, or a job? Soccer or a salary? There are correct answers to those.

* So, can you camp near the border to Mexico, or is that just impossible because there is always these Mexicans running by and knocking over your stuff? I never camp anyway because of one bad experience. I had accidentally left a campfire unattended, and then Smokey the Bear tried to maul me. It took three shotgun blasts to bring him down.

* If you want to see him, his head is mounted above the T.V. in the living room. I usually leave the hat on it, but sometimes I wear it for fun even though it's a bit big for me.

* Speaking of Mexican immigrants and wild animals, SarahK and I are really into that Dog Whisperer show. Cesar Millan is great, but who we really love is the giant pit pull he has named Daddy. When he's helping little yapping dogs learn not to attack other dogs, he'll always bring Daddy along. That dog could eat those yappers in one bite, but he just ignores them. Actually, he's so obedient, a nuclear bomb could go off and he wouldn't flinch. I want to start the Daddy fan club and make sure my Shepherd/Pit Rowdi joins. "I want you to be like that dog, and, when you are, I'll stop beating you."

* So, they released that journalist in Iraq. Whoever took her didn't seem like they had a plan at all. If you're going to go through the trouble of kidnapping someone, at least have a backup plan for when your demands aren't met. Still, they weren't like my first political kidnapping. After a while, I got bored of thing and totally forgot about the guy tied up in the basement.

* How many times can your house "mysteriously" burn down before insurers just won't take you anymore?

* I really want to be a professional writer (I could blog all day!), but the problem is that I'm not a starving artist. If you are starving, you'll try anything to succeed. I've had this nice cushy job I like, though, and you just don't write as well between bites of prime rib. Luckily, I got married so now it seem like I have no money. Expect much more writing from me in the future.

* You may have noticed how the top of the IMAO main page now has ads for our CafePress store. You may ask, "What happened to the podcast?" Well, we're still figuring out how to use that to trick people into giving us money. See, we have all this traffic to this site, and the obvious thought is "How can we turn that into money?" So, now, I'm trying merchandise from CafePress. It's working so far, as we've made in the tens of dollars in profit. Even though it's split among all the IMAO bloggers, I get to keep most of it since SarahK is good at cooking the books (she just a good cook in general).

* Yeah, as Christians, we really shouldn't do faulty accounting, but I did some research into the Bible, including doing some of my own translations from the original Hebrew, and I now have an argument that it's okay to lie when money is involved.

* I once lived in Alaska; isn't that weird?

* I was asked to join this Gather.com since they want more political writers. I thought it might be neat because then I might be more likely to get some liberals to read my stuff. You guys are great and all, but I can only take so much, "Frank, you're a genius!", "It's like you have magical humor powers!", and "Please be our god!" So, I've started out by crossing posting my editorial from Monday, and, already, three people have said bad things about it. Maybe we can get discussions going over there, but, if not, at least a shouting match. I started a political humor group if people want to join in.

* Anyway, the Gather.com “About Me” page you set for yourself is pretty cool. It has all these different fields to fill in about what music you like and what not (guess who I put under my "Heroes") and even has five different choices for your sexual preference. Who can choose?

* If I get more attention at Gather.com, you know as soon as I start debating liberals, they'll be like, "How can you have an opinion on fiscal responsibility? You're just a chicken hawk!" I did think of joining the military once, though. Then, I found out they like shout at you and stuff. I just assumed the military got reformed the same as public school and they'd just give me a rifle and say, "Go ahead and shoot for'ners at your own pace. You'll get a medal just for trying!"

* Speaking of war, I just realized I don't know how to make like any explosives. Is that weird? I know you're supposed to be able to make all sorts of explosives out of household objects, but I don't know one formula. If I needed to make a bomb (it happens) I'd be reduced to taking apart my bullets for the gunpowder. It says right there on the box you shouldn't do that, though, and if I ignored that warning, it would be like I'm saying, "I'm smarter than Winchester." And I'm totally not.

* Off-topic (even for a post with no topic), but do they Braille ballots? It seems wrong to let the blind vote, because how are they supposed to pick a politician to elect when they can't even see them? I know Senator John Edwards has to be against the blind voting; he works too hard on his hair for it to not even be the factor in some people's votes.

* Is IMAO available in Braille somewhere? If so, I'm sorry for that previous comment. If not, screw you, blind people!

* Next podcast, I should make fun of the deaf.

* I remember meeting a deaf kid when I was younger and trying to communicate with him. I shouted at the boy until I was hoarse, and then I couldn't talk to people. That stuff spreads if you're not careful.

* I've thought about doing stand up comedy, but, as you may have heard from the podcasts, I have no skills at delivery. Most of my stuff is made less funny if I say it out loud. Well, there goes that dream, but, if you have to stand during a job, I consider that blue-collar work anyway.

* I think I had some more thoughts, but I can't remember them now. I really should write them down.

Then again, I guess I'm doing that now. Anyhoo, if someone has seen my car keys, e-mail me with the subject "Frank's Car Keys." And, make sure to buy stuff and tell everyone else about IMAO. If we don't make more money, then either the cats or the dog is going to have to stop eating, and you know SarahK and I aren't going to agree on which it is.

Rating: 3.5/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (24)
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December 15, 2004
Bite-Sized Wisdom December 15, 2004
Posted by Frank J. at 09:03 AM

* Before I even had a chance to check my e-mail and get my first sip of coffee, I solved the problem for a circuit board that had us a banging our heads against the wall all yesterday. Man, I'm on like an engineering high right now.

* Wow, and my blog brought in over $3000 in revenue last month (by far, most of it the W2 shirt). I decided it was time to take down the donation buttons. Anyhoo, the news...

* Peterson was sentenced to death and will finally get his due... in twenty or thirty years. Wouldn't it be cool if death sentence played out like this:

JUDGE: The defendant has been sentenced to death. Bailiff?

Bailiff pulls out a gun and shoots the defendant where he stands.

JUDGE: Next case!

* Getting your client sentenced to death... that can't look good on a resume. Geragos might have to offer coupons to entice new clients.

* So Harry Reid - who hates black people - and Nancy Pelosi - who I think was just convicted of murder - support Tim Roemer - who I've never heard of - to head the DNC. Hopefully he'll lead the DNC in a bold new direction, giving up this politics which they aren't good at and instead forming a chain of waffle houses.

* So, it looks like Iran and Syria are backing terrorists in Iraq. Talk about getting behind the losing team; maybe they'll be backing the Miami Dolphins in the future.

* The FCC is considering letting there be internet on Airplanes. It's so sad, that, as soon as you get strapped into tons of metal and sent rocket through the air at 500mph, it's like you're back in the stone age.

* A missile defense test failed, but the failure was that it didn't launch. So, who know, it might have hit the target. Can you prove otherwise?

* "Chemical" Ali is going to be the first Iraqi to face trial. I wonder if the prosecution will be able to call him "Chemical" Ali during the trial, or would that be considered unfairly influencing the jurors? Are nicknames always disallowed in trials?

"So, did you murder the victim, Murder'n Carl?"

* CNN Headline: "Wife regrets man's huge lottery win"
Further proof you just can't please women, so don't even try.

* Senator McCain says he has "no confidence" in Rumsfeld. McCain then posed and smiled for all the cameras that followed him. In related news, Rumsfeld says he has "no mercy" for media whores.

* An attorney is having a fit that a judge is wearing a robe with the Ten Commandment written on it... but the case is about drunken driving. There’s like totally nothing in the Commandments about drinking and driving (and I checked all ten), so it's safe to assume God approves of us getting sloshed.

* A jokester wore a bin Laden mask, wielded a pellet gun, and, surprisingly, got himself shot by a cab driver. Hey, that is funny.

* The incident was in Costa Rica, and the police didn't even bother detaining the cab driver. So Costa Rica apparently is more advanced than England (and many areas in the U.S.) about recognizing and allowing rational thought and action in the area of self-defense.

* Keep voting for me in the blog category of the about.com 2004 Political Humor Awards. The contest right now is actually between me and Wonkette.

* There's a book to give away in my contest today, and one more tomorrow (Right Wing News is still giving them out, too). Keep on your toes.

* The fun with headlines posts (one two) seem to be a big hit. I'll keep picking out my favorites from previous posts and feature them along with a few more of my own. Then you have at it in the comments. Good job making me laugh, ronin.

Rating: 2.6/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (18)
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December 10, 2004
News of the day
Posted by Frank J at 01:46 AM

I'm one of the people FrankJ asked to guest blog while he is in Texas holding sarahk's purse. Here goes . . .

* Cool. Both the Curse of the Bambino and the Spinal Tap Drummer Curse were done away with in the same year.

* I guess we won't need that puppy stem cell blender after all. I call for an immediate cessation to all puppy blending research activities.

* Did you know that native peoples in the Western Hemisphere were barbarians, many of whom performed human sacrifices and were warlike and brutal? Well, I did because I grew up when they actually taught history in school. Since then, a touchy-feely idea has emerged that the native people's had a utopia that white men disrupted. Contrary to popular current belief the natives weren't trading wampum for peace pipes, fairy dust and sunshiny days. They were just like any other barbarian race--primitive, blood-thirsty and a hindrance to progress. I don't weep for the lost native culture any more than I do for the extinction of the Visigoths, or the mass unemployment of blacksmiths and town heralds.

* Was your driveway filled with heavy snow during the last blizzard? Did your basement flood in the last storm? Did you ruin your dress shoes in a mud puddle? Well then, call 1-800-IAM SCUM because IT'S TIME TO SUE IN WORLD COURT! We'll sue the neighbor across the street who burnt leaves last month. We'll sue the guy on the other side of town driving around in a rusted out 1972 Ford LTD. We'll sue the local plant where you work because it burns coal to make electricity. Sure, you'll be out of a job and play a part in destroying the global economy, but you'll get your nuisance suit settlement check.

* It can't be a coincidence that on the same day the Vatican announced that it will hold a special "theoretical and practical course for Roman Catholic priests on Satanism and exorcism," that Air America signed a new
two year contract
with Franken. "Do you renounce Franken and all the spiritual forces of wickedness that rebel against God?"

* You can imagine my surprise, when my wife brought home a brutal snuff film from Blockbuster today.

* It's a sad day when you can't even peruse a porno magazine with an underage kid without wiping it (the magazine) down for
prints afterwards.

* You just know that Slick Willy is dying to try out his new pick up line at the New Years Eve party being held at his trailer house in the sky in Little Rock. He's been practicing non-stop in the mirror: "You know ::biting lip:: 2005 is the year of the Cock."

* I wonder if detecting "radioactive dirty bombs" counts against your minutes, and if so, do terrorists have a better chance of smuggling such a bomb into a major metropolitan area on a weekday during business hours when bomb detecting minutes are at a premium?

* Adding insult to injury. Don't computer nerds have enough working against their procreation as it is?

* "Hi, welcome to KFC, may I take your order."
"I would like a 3 piece meal, extra mutant, and a medium Hi-C."

* Getting ready for a blind date: clean new shirt--check, cologne--check, flowers--check, cash from the ATM--check, Daniel kitten puppet--check?

Rating: 2.8/5 (12 votes cast)

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December 07, 2004
Bite-Sized Wisdom: December 7, 2004
Posted by Frank J. at 06:51 AM

* I went to National Review Online yesterday and noticed the orange banner and was like, "Dude, a little late with the Halloween decorations." Ends up it's to show support for the good guys in Ukraine. See, the only previous knowledge I have about orange and politics involves why my grandfather, Frank J. Sr., had to leave Ireland in such a rush.

* Anyway, I tried to finally understand the Ukraine issue. It's easy to understand from the perspective that America is good and likes good things and Putin is bad and likes bad things. We like that there is going to be a new vote, so a new vote is a good thing. That’s because we like... uh... Viktor. Wait, both the candidates are named Viktor and have long last names that begin in 'y'. Still, I have it on good authority that they are two completely different people. And we like one - the good Viktor - while Putin favors another - the bad Viktor... who is bad. Hope that clears things up.

* With Russia trying to hold on to its old Soviet Union partners and working on new nukes, could this be the reemergence of the Soviet Union and the Cold War? That would be so cool! It would be like one of those movies where you thought the bad guy was killed in the first, but somehow comes back at the beginning of the sequel. What would we subtitle this one?

Cold War 2: Sub-Zero
Cold War 2: The Freeze
Cold War 2: The Legend of Curly's Gold

Anyway, whatever it's called, like all wars, it should be fun!

* So Tommy Thompson warns of attacks on the food supply. What are we going to do now? Have armed Marines in the produce section? Some old lady going to be squeezing a cantaloupe to check if it's fresh and find a Beretta 9mm pressed against her temple with the warning, "You've had enough time to tell whether that melon is ripe or not; now either buy it or back away!" That would be so funny... and, uh, wrong.

* Al Qaeda took credit for an attack on a U.S. Consulate in Saudi Arabia. Apparently they killed a number of locals before getting killed or captured themselves. Gee, that sure taught us. Do you ever think a terrorist attack will be so botched that Al Qaeda will deny credit right away. Like if a truck rams into an American building and absolutely nothing happens. "Dude, that totally wasn't us; Al Qaeda always wires its bombs properly as Allah wills. That must have been that other terrorists group... uh... Bud Qaeda."

* Bush won Ohio! Officially! Why is this news! I dunno! But hooray!

* So it looks like some environmentalcases burned down homes under construction in Maryland. Seems like we keep getting more of this home grown terrorism. How do these groups recruit, anyway?

RECRUITER: Do you care about the environment?

KID: No, not really.

RECRUITER: Well... do you like to burn things?

KID: YEAH!

RERUITER: Then you have what it takes to be an environmentalist.

* A Yemeni sheik said that Allah will bring great storms to America because of his arrest. A little late there, buddy. If you said that before the Florida hurricane season, though, you might have actually converted me.

Did I remember to take down all the storm windows?

* 532 alert readers e-mailed me about how the University of Pittsburgh (which is scarily near my alma mater Carnegie Mellon) cloned monkey embryos. Good job guys; you know there is a huge demand for more monkeys that look alike.

* Now, you probably ask, will this research eventually lead to the future warned about in The Planet of Apes including the blowing up of the Statue of Liberty? According to my research, there are absolutely no scenarios in which this won't.

* BTW, I'm organizing a mob to storm the University of Pittsburgh. We're going old-school, so stop at Ace Hardware and pick up a pitchfork or a torch. Instead of attacking wherever they did the monkey experiment, though, we're going up against the Cathedral of Learning since it is much more ominous looking. Fun for the whole family!

* In case you missed it, big contest going on! You keep checking IMAO and you win!

Rating: 2.0/5 (6 votes cast)

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November 30, 2004
Bite-Sized Wisdom: The Final Day of November, 2004
Posted by Frank J. at 01:09 PM

* Bush is visiting Canada, a country whose sole claim to fame is being next to America. Expect nothing interesting to happen as has been the norm for Canada since its existence.

* Iran is having a temporary nuke freeze to "create trust." To build on that trust, the Ayatollahs are going to close their eyes and fall backwards into the hands of world leaders.

* Ukraine is still in the news. If it lasts another news cycle, I'll have to devote some time to figuring out why I'm supposed to care.

* Brain scans can tell when people are lying. Finally, a more modern way to tell if someone is lying than beating him with a rubber hose.

* That makes me think of a joke:

Q. How can you tell a lawyer is lying?
A. His Broca's area on the inferior frontal gyrus shows significant activity.

* China is claiming that the new airport being built in Beijing will be the world's largest. Anyone who disagrees with this claim will be executed.

* In South Korea a formerly paralyzed woman is walking due to stem cells. The problem is, these stem cells are from umbilical cord blood and thus doesn't involve any killing whatsoever to gather them. Thus the procedure has been denounced by the embryonic stem cell lobby group Others Must Die So We May Walk.

* The Red Cross is claming that conditions for prisoners at Guantánamo Bay, Cuba, are "tantamount to torture". What! I pay tons of taxes each year, and I want full-fledged torture for my money! The government is always doing a half-assed job...

* HAPPY DANCE COMMITTEE REPORT: The internet camera that Frank J. has is not sufficient for videotaping that happy dance. A digital camera will be obtained. Also, there are hopes that an experienced choreographer will be involved, because it would be horrible if Frank J. ends up looking silly doing the happy dance.

* If you didn't notice, I'm back! Expect an In My World™ later this week and more adventures of the Hate-Filled Lefty™.

* Oh, and I could use your help. Spam has built up so much in my comments, that it would take weeks of dedicated work to clean it up and close comments for all old posts. Is there any nuclear bomb solution someone knows (are newer version of MT better for this?)? Also, I just got a new desktop (if the IRS asks, I only use it for blogging - oh, and I only bought Half Life 2 to test the hardware) and thus need to move everything important over to it (e-mail, web settings, etc.). I have both my old and new computers in the same room right now, with them on the same network (I have an 802.11g AP that works as a router) to help with transfers. What I really wonder is if I can move Microsoft Office 2003 and Norton Anti-Virus to the new computer without having to pay for them again (legally). Also, while I'm asking for things, if someone could give me a back rub, that would be great.

Rating: 2.4/5 (18 votes cast)

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November 24, 2004
Bite-Sized Wisdom: November 24, 2004 - UPDATED!
Posted by Frank J. at 08:18 AM

* CNN Headline: "Powell: Israeli-Palestinian cooperation good"
"Fire bad!" Powell adds.

* There is unrest in Ukraine! That means... uh... I know this one...

* Zarqawi has released a new audiotape. Critics say that, while it will please his fans, it's just more of the same and shows Zarqawi has lmited talent. The drum solos are as good as always, though.

* I bought socks from Wal-Mart (mmm... new socks), and they came in a resealable bag that advertised its resealability. Am I missing something? Should I be preserving my socks?

* Here's an article about rating what games are appropriate for children. Notice the fourth to last paragraph where one of the people complains that videogames force children "to kill in order to win." What? Should they be hugging in order to win? Videogames without violence is like sports... without violence - boring!

* There will now be international monitors of the Palestinian election to ensure that the best Jew-hater wins.

* Cingular Wireless is expected to cut 6,800 jobs after it's merger.

"Can you hear me now? Good... You're fired!"

* Critics are panning the Oliver Stone's Alexander the Great film. The main complaint: Not gay enough!

* The FBI says there has been an increase of racism and hate in post 9/11 America. The cause, says the report, is "too many dumb crackers."

* Yeah, I'm in full holiday mode and didn't have time to come up with any good post. Maybe I'll add to this later, but I have a decently busy work day. Anyway, I'll have at least one more post before Thanksgiving. Later, sportsfans.

Rating: 2.8/5 (11 votes cast)

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November 19, 2004
Bite-Sized Wisdom: November 19, 2004
Posted by Frank J. at 07:03 AM

* As you all probably know, Bill Clinton opened his presidential library yesterday. Before you make any jokes, no, it’s not just porn.

There are also some saxophones.

* The building is supposed to represent Clinton's bridge to the 21st century, but it looks like a giant trailer from a trailer park. Expect the whole thing to be knocked over come next Halloween.

* Hear about the Vibe awards? Put a bunch of violent rappers in one room and there's a stabbing! I'm shocked - shocked, I tell you!

I say some stabbing might liven up the Oscars, but I won't try and tell Chris Rock what's funny.

* U.S. forces have captured Al-Zarqawi's headquarters, a place which has funding almost as shady as the Clinton Library. Having confiscated all his equipment, I hear Zarqawi is now left to planning terror on an Etch-a-Sketch.

“The CIA is coming! Shake! Shake like you never have before, Omar!”

* An Iraqi militant group warned Muslims to skip the country's coming elections, and said anyone who runs for office would be branded an infidel and "punished in the name of God." Wow, rhetoric on elections there is almost getting as bad as it is here. Expect Moveon.org to come in and make the militant group look moderate.

* A reporter has been convicted of contempt for not revealing his source. Back in high school, all I'd lose is a letter grade if I tried to pull the same stunt on a report.

* Condoleezza Rice is to have uterine fibroid surgery - just to rub her health insurance in all the faces of the uninsured!

REPUBLICANS!!!!

* Bill Gates is the world’s most spammed person, and there's a whole division dedicated to making sure he only get wanted e-mails. Problem is he's too shy to tell them he really does want a larger penis.

* Scientists say that running is a key human characteristic. Are they trying to say that Michael Moore is incapable of being human?

* U.S. is once again considering giving the Palestinians aid. If you have a strap on bomb you're not using and would like to donate, contact the State Department.

* The cause of Arafat's death may soon be revealed. I'm guessing motorcycle stunt gone bad.

* ABC is moving Alias to Wednesday. If you're a Tivo, please take note.

* That's the news people. A new adventure of the Hate-Filled Liberal is to come later today.

Be honorable, ronin.

Rating: 3.3/5 (14 votes cast)

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June 17, 2004
Bite-Sized Wisdom: Smart, Important People Against Bush, the Clinton Documentary and Portrait, the Cost of Marital Fidelity, and It Was Self-Defense; I Swear!
Posted by Frank J. at 06:52 AM

* There is a coalition of former diplomats against Bush, and we should like listen to them because they're diplomats - well, former ones. Of course, I don't what kinds of diplomats they are; it could be like when they say there are all these scientists who agree that global warming will destroy the planet and then you find out some of the scientists who made this conclusion are specialized in the breeding habits of fruit flies.

All I'm saying is, at this point, I wouldn't give them any more consideration than the coalition of drunken hobos against Bush.

* And where is Kerry's coalition of unnamed former leaders in support of him?

* Apparently someone made a Clinton documentary. I don't know much about, such as whether it's going to be on the big screen or go straight to adult video stores.

* Sorry. Obvious joke. I should write for Leno.

* While we're on the topic of Bill Clinton, they recently unveiled the Bill Clinton presidential portrait and the Hillary Clinton gargoyle.

* Okay, now I need like the web version of a rim shot.

* Apparently Iraqis don't like us. Just one thing: who cares? It's our job to get things done; we'll leave being liked to the impotent Old Europe. The Iraqis just better live happily in freedom after we leave or they're really going to get it!

* What do you go on to from Speaker of the House? Apparently an Amazon.com reviewer. And who say politicians never contribute to society. So does he recommend any good books with tips on hunting giraffes?

* Worried that you husband is cheating you? Well, the secret to marital fidelity isn't love, honor, and commitment; instead, it's PAINFUL INJECTIONS TO THE BRAIN!

Yes, studies show that even the most gigolo of voles can be made faithful by inserting a certain gene into its brain. Whether this will work on humans is uncertain, but there are some similarities between voles and humans in how they don't like PAINFUL INJECTIONS TO THE BRAIN!

Actually, I can already see how this will be effective:

WIFE: "You better stop looking at other women, Roy, or it's PAINFUL INJECTIONS TO THE BRAIN!"

HUSBAND: (quivering in fear) "I only have eyes for you, dear!"

* Some people thought my "I can't wait until I get mugged!" comment from my recent (and sub-par) range report was a bad idea. My commenters seemed to understand it was a joke (though this muckadoo didn't), but are concerned that, if, heaven forbid, I one day end up in self-defense shooting, a prosecutor could use that statement against me.

Well, I would just like to tell this hypothetical prosecutor that the statement was most certainly a joke. I always carry responsibly and never look for trouble. Any implications that I'm like the Charles Bronson character from Death Wish is completely crazy and inaccurate.

What? You're not buying that?

Uh... then... I didn't write that at all! The mugger's family must have hired someone to hack into my website and add that statement to set me up. That shooting was purely self-defense, and any implications...

So what if he was shot in the back of the head? I, as unlikely as it sounds, missed, and the bullet ricocheted off a wall and hit him in the back of the head.

What? Pre-fragmented ammo doesn't ricochet? Is that what your ballistics "expert" is telling you? What the hell does he know?

Oh, he wrote that book? I thought his name sounded familiar. Gee, then... uh...

Screw this. I'm now pleading insanity.

I am the lizard king!

Rating: 3.1/5 (8 votes cast)

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May 04, 2004
Bite-Sized Wisdom: Piss-Poor Enemies, Useless Kerry, What's Happening, More Excuses from Me, and Ted Rall Has Got to Go
Posted by Frank J. at 08:39 AM

* Is It Wrong to Wish for Better Enemies?: Stupid terrorists can't even hold on to their own hostages. Sometimes you have to wonder why these nimrods even bother going up against us. I especially am confounded on how some think they're superior to the West because of their religion. We're smarter than them, we're richer than them, we have better weapons and tactics, we have hygiene, our land isn't nothing but sand, and we're not overrun by monkeys, yet Allah favors them. Riiiiight.

I remember the Soviets. Though we always knew we were superior to them and lived better lives, at least they could actually threaten to destroy the world. The Islamic extremists should learn from them.

* An Outrage: I can't believe this political statement Kerry just took! It makes me so mad and... Oh, he just changed his position on that; never mind.

Okay, I should say something substantial about John Kerry, but nothing interesting has happened lately. It's too early to celebrate, but he's just looking more and more unelectable each day. Maybe the Democrats could do a Torricelli and switch him out for another candidate at the last minute, but who? Jo-Jo the Democrat Monkey? America is in a war mode right now, and it’s obvious all the Democrats still want to be whining about prescription drugs and school lunch programs and what not.

One day most of our threats will be taken care of, and then we can go back to having the inane be the top issues of the day, but not any time soon.

* The Haze of War: Speaking of war, I'm really lost on what's going on right now? Are we killing all the bad guys, or are we just dicking around? Things seem so hopeless at times, but many of the troops I hear from make things don't seem so bad. And then what happens after June 30th? Are we just going to hope that liberty spreads from Iraq through the rest of the Middle East, or are we going to come out of Iraq like a bat out of hell killing dictators left and right? I know it's not the Pentagon's job to keep me informed on such things, but throw me a bone here.

* Save Our Landfills: I did some major cleaning over the weekend, and I had an epiphany. They have a do not call list and are trying to make a do not spam list, so do you think they could make an "I do not want AOL" list?

* Monkey News: It's all coming together; in Commie China they won't allow farmers to kill evil monkeys. I'm just glad I live in a free country where I can kill monkeys on a whim.

* The Babe: I know we're all excited to now see the modeling photos from SarahK. I was thinking about making this IMAO T-Shirt Babe Contest an annual thing like a beauty pageant, but, if SarahK does a good job (as I'm sure she will) I'd rather have one face representing IMAO (other than mine, I mean). So what should be the next contest? Maybe there can be one for artists for the best rendition of Chomps. Any other ideas?

* Me Busy: Sorry I got like nothing today, but on Mondays I have no time to write for Tuesday. I could spend all weekend writing post for the next week, but I don’t wanna/ To balance my job, writing, and having some semblance of a social life, I've decided I need to have more focus, and thus, for now, I'm not going to pursue being a columnist to focus more on writing a novel. Someone e-mail Jonah Goldberg and tell him his job is safe... for now.

* Excrement in Human Form: Someone who should lose his job - even though I don't plan on replacing him - is Ted Rall. Look at his latest comic here and his defense of it here.

Let me give you a little lesson in humor. You might remember my hate mail to Michael Moore I did some time back. The secret to the humor there is that I don't hate Michael Moore and was laughing the whole time writing the piece. In Rall's comic, you just imagine the bile in him as he puts his prejudices forward in such a disgusting manner; no one could think that was funny except for a few other moral midgets who share his view.

Anyway, why don't we in blogosphere do something about it? Rall has been a published idiots long enough. Let's start a coalition to make Ted Rall lose his job. He doesn't need to be homeless; I'm fine with him mumbling his crazy political views to himself as he sweeps the floor in McDonalds. Any idea on how to start this? Would is begin with a letter writing campaign to who publish him (MSNBC and Newsweek I think)?

For the time being, I'll keep my good humor. There always Emperor Darth Misha I out there to be angry enough for the both of us.

UPDATE: Actually, Misha has who you should e-mail to get Rall fired. Check his comment section for a nice civil e-mail from Bill Whittle you should use as an example (bile is what Rall is, and bile won't get rid of him). Also, Whitler now has up his version of his lunch with me which is a bit different than I remember it.

* In the Future: Fellow ronin, I will have a new mission and target soon, so hold on to your one time pads (or, for those who don't like that term, Vernam ciphers). Also, there was no way I could give a proper finale to The Limey for today, so that should be tomorrow if I don't have to work horribly late today and can get it done before 24 comes on. Also, if I have time at lunch, I'll try to have a little something more on my site today. Later, sportsfans.

Rating: 2.0/5 (8 votes cast)

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April 27, 2004
Bite-Sized Wisdom: The Paradox of Kerry, Party, Dishonorable Ronin, My Writing, and Time is Running Out
Posted by Frank J. at 08:29 AM

* The Paradox Candidate: So, in summary, Kerry did and didn't vote for funding the troops, does and doesn't own an SUV, and he did and didn't throw his medals over the wall. It's like Schrödinger's Cat escaped from the box.

* The Frenchest Party in Town: In one of those mass Kerry e-mails, I was encouraged to throw a John Kerry party at my house. How would that work? Maybe I could serve a John Kerry drink - a drink that's different every time you serve it (it both does and doesn't have vermouth; it's nuanced). There could also be the By the Way I Served in Vietnam drink which is handed to you over and over while its name is announced loudly.

* You Served Where?: I was just thinking, my dad had served about eight months in Vietnam - twice as long as Kerry - and I think I've heard him mention it less throughout my entire life than I have heard Kerry mention his service in the past couple months. Me, I would exploit my service:

"Get me a beer from the fridge, boy!"

"Get it yourself."

"Do as tell you! I served in Vietnam!"

* It's Magic!: Going back to the party idea, Kerry has the ultimate party trick. He could take his medals, throw them over a wall, and then have them magically reappear framed in a glass case when politically convenient.

* A Little Less Insurgey: That's 43 down; how many does that leave?

* Hostages Are Nothing But Dishonorable Ronin: Interesting how the returning hostages to Japan got treated. I guess it's a learning experience for the terrorists about which of our allies will be affected by hostage taking, and I guess they shouldn't try it on the ones that react by getting mad at the hostages.

* The Even Lamer Superhero: Brian J. (no relation) has evidence that John Kerry is Aquaman. Am I making fun of Aquaman too much?

* I Forgot to Celebrate that Holiday: Here's a blogger I should have added to my blogroll a while ago. Look at her description of what she did on Earth Day.

Wait, I still haven't added her to the blogroll. I'll do it later...

* The Appeasingest Place on Earth: A very reputable new source reports that Europe has decided to give up trying to become countries and be one big theme park. It's nice to hear that EU is finally getting realistic. (thanks to Combustible Boy for sending that in)

* Monkey News: Hong Kong has had an increase in monkey problems, monkey stealing people's food and then throwing back at the people whatever they don't like. So, they're targeting the worst of the offenders to quell the problem. Fools! You must target all monkeys, as those that aren’t directly causing trouble are conspiring with the others. No country can be truly successful until they're like us in the U.S. and get rid of all wild monkeys.

* I'm So Sorry; Let Me Comfort You: Bad news for Halle Barry; good news for single guys!

* Me Write Better: I had a group critique with my writing group on a fantasy novel I'm working on, and, unlike last time, they thought I shouldn't toss the whole thing out. I'm getting better! Soon I'll be the greatest novelist ever!

* Punk Kids and Animal Abuse: Stupid punk teenager beating up a poor, defenseless 400 pound bear. Seriously, what a badass. Now there's someone with the potential to be an uber-bully. A little advice for nerds at his high school: if he asks for your lunch money, just hand it over and walk away.

* Frank Fans: I'll have an update on activities soon. Congrats on the [blacked out]. Maybe I'll start accepting more members in the exclusive fan club soon.

* Tick Tock: Babes, you have only today and tomorrow to enter the IMAO T-Shirt Babe Contest. No late entries will be accepted. So get moving before this one time opportunity passes you by!

Rating: 1.9/5 (14 votes cast)

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April 20, 2004
Moon Nuking, Target Killing, Cowardly Spaniards, Who Has Your Six, Fan Club Stuff, The Limey, and More
Posted by Frank J. at 08:47 AM

* Nuke the Moon: It's back!

This is your chance to get in the Peace Gallery. Also, if you've never actually read the essay, you're and idiot and I have nothing but contempt for you. Plus, there's the special NTM IMW.

BTW, there is now a quote from me on ThoseShirts.com on the main page, plus I have a new description for the KTE:French Shirt. Man, I never did come up with a good promotional idea for my educational shirts. Maybe pictures of people teaching kids to hate the French and Terrorists.

* Everybody's Happy: So Israel kills Rantisi, and you think everybody should be happy. Israel should have one less terrorist to deal with, and Rantisi gets 72 virgins, but the Palestinians act mad, saying how they're going to really, really try to kill Israelis now (like what they were doing before?). That's crazy. If I were an Israeli official, I'd say, "You Palestinians should be happy we help you get your virgins... unless you don't actually believe in your religion. If that's the case, then shame!"

* Targeted Fun: Man, targeted killing sounds so cool. I wish we Americans had people to cruise missile. Maybe we could do that to Munchie (Sadr). I think Israel doesn't exploit targeted killings enough, though. They really should have cameras on the front of the missiles and then have a show called "Terrorists Funniest Last Expressions".

* Keeping It Up: Bush is leading Kerry in the polls now, which is good because I don't like Kerry. I think a lot of that has to do with him being a Democrat. I don't like Democrats.

Ooh! I need to do a Know Thy Enemy™ about Democrats before the election. Already have one planned for tomorrow.

* The Spench: Bush scolded the Spaniards for pulling out their troops, saying, "You cowardly, unwashed Spaniards! I spit on your mothers!" Actually, I don't know what he said, I didn't have time to read the article. Anyway, I'm sure this gives comfort to our enemies which means more killing will be needed to settle things. That will make the Marines happy, but not the Iraqis.

* Got Your Six: The Barking Moonbat has a poll about which blogger would you want to cover your six in a foxhole in Fallujah (are there foxholes in Fallujah?). I'm not doing so well. I remind you I'm a very good aim (I'll have a post with pictures later today to prove it), and could easily shoot you in the back of the head if you don't trust me. So go vote for me.

* Bad Fans: Camille doesn't think my fan clubs are doing a great job. I really don't know what fan clubs are supposed to do, never having joined one (why would I have to look up to someone else when I'm me?). What do you think you should do? Should we have nickname like Jonah's fans? They're called "Flying Monkeys" which is evil. I suggest my fans be called "ronins". What do you think?

* Secret Stuff: Apparently, most people have now decrypted the message and followed the instructions (thanks to Orion). The first mission will be posted soon. This is going to be such cool spy stuff I wish I were you.

No I don't; it's cool being me... master spy!

Anyway, remember the first and second rules...

* The Limey: The Limey sent me another e-mail and its really long and I didn't even bother reading it yet. To be honest, I've kinda gotten tired of his shtick. This will be the tenth, so maybe I should make it the series finale. Do you think I should wait to respond until after May 1st to see if capitalism falls on that day like he says?

Once I'm done with him, a reader (sorry, I forgot who; tell me in the comments) sent me this to get rid of him.

* Almost There: Look at these two Cox & Forkum comics that Baldilocks put together (and the first was made right after Yassin was killed making it somewhat prescient).

* Lazy Babes: There's still a week left to enter the contest, but I'm a little antsy that very few have entered the IMAO T-Shirt Babe Contest so far (and thanks to those who have). Are you all waiting for the last minute? I hope the reissue of the Nuke the Moon T-Shirt is enough to motivate you to get off your lazy babe asses.

Since there have been some questions, I might have an entry FAQ tomorrow at the one week deadline.

* Me Busy: Sorry to have so little, but Monday nights I have martial arts followed by my writing group followed by bed (BTW, if people are interested, maybe I could share some of my writing with the ronin; damn, that reminds me - I need to get to writing that freak'n column so I can steal Jonah's job!). To help, maybe next Monday I can put up a post where you can all comment on the topics of the day so I know what to write about Tuesday morning.

I have some photos of the results of my recent trip to the shooting range which I'll share with you later today if you are all good.

Ciao.

Rating: 2.6/5 (8 votes cast)

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April 13, 2004
Bite-Sized Wisdom: No Respect, Misery, Dumb-Ass Royals, Beer is Good for You, T.V. Breaking Monkeys, and I Got a Scanner
Posted by Frank J. at 08:47 AM

* No Good Deed Goes Unpunished: Why do people want to piss us off? Don't they know no one has more killing power than the U.S. of A.? Do they really want to know how far we can go? Now we have an Iraqi cleric saying we have to pay for instigating the current crisis in Iraq. G.M. Chrysler, what gall! Saddam was oppressing these people, and now, having saved them from that tyranny, a number of them are now angry at us? I guess it's always too lofty a goal to get people to like us. Frankly, I'm fine with people hating us as long as they aren't trying to kill us. And, if we can get them living in a free society to boot, all the better. Being liked is for Old Europe; our goal should be to do good.

* Dude, I'm Like Totally Devout: Is it just me, or does Sadr look more like a stoner from college who should be nicknamed Munchie than a religious leader? Frankly, I think you could find a better cleric scouting a pool hall.

* John Who?: I wanted to say something about Kerry, but he hasn't done anything worth noting. Good for him.

* Miserable Numbers: Oh wait, he decided the misery index we've been using for decades makes Bush look too good so he fiddled around with a number of variables until he could make some misery index that makes Bush look bad. Wow, I thought I was doing well this year, but, according to John Kerry's numbers, I'm miserable. Well, you got vote, jackass.

* Try Not Inhaling Water: Here in the sunny state of Florida, the government is doing more to prevent drownings. I just want to make it clear that we here at IMAO (meaning me) are against drownings. Thank you.

* In America, We Hate Kings: The Spanish prince is a douche. He's all complaining because he had to get searched at an airport like everyone else (actually, he got VIP treatment). I think in America, where we threw off monarchies, we should treat princes even worse than regular people. All kings get wedgies when they come to the States, I say. You want to be some dumbass monarch, then stay in your own medieval country.

* Make My Dream a Reality: Reader Rocco M. pointed out this story about this ebay auction to send 22 pound of whatever you want to the moon and pointed how this is my opportunity to nuke the moon! All I have to do is get 6 million and a nuclear weapon by the end of the day...

* Evil Monkeys for Kerry: John Kerry's website made the dumb mistake of letting anyone make a supporter page, and some bloggers took advantage of that. If only I had jumped on the opportunity...

* Indeed: Ever notice how much I like ellipses...

* IMAO in Pictures: Jason Walker liked my comparison of Vietnam to Iraq, so he made this animated GIF. I think IMAO has a lot of potential as either live action or animated; don't any wealthy producers read this site?

* See Post Title: Guinness, the official beer of IMAO, is good for you. Cool. I hope the next study shows that nothing makes you healthier than Taco Bell, and I'm set.

There's always all these studies coming out saying how practically everything both prevents and causes some disease, and some may conclude you’re damned if you do, and damned if you don't. I say consume whatever the hell you want, and all the benefits and defects should even out in the end. [Ed. Note: This theory is not supported by any scientific evidence and is condemned by most nutritionists]

* Probably Wouldn't Be Allowed by my HOA: Now here is a mailbox. Personally, if I were a mailman, I'd be a little afraid to open that.

* Monkey News I: A Hong Kong woman is suing the government over a monkey destroying her T.V. I don't know how strict a constitutionalists you all are, but, I think of all the basic services the federal government should do, one of them is keeping monkeys away from our T.V.’s. I mean, I have an expensive surge protector connected to my wide screen, but the closest thing I have to a monkey protector is a shotgun.

* Monkey News II: Scientist in London are saying people should talk like chimps. This is extremely subversive and must be stopped. I'm not saying we should break off relations with one of our closest allies, but the threat should be there. This can not spread, as it is exactly what the monkeys want. Once we talk like them, then we'll come to accept them, and then we'll elect them to high office, and then they'll raise capital gains taxes just before I sell my house. It's history repeating itself all over again.

* Glass Jaw: Man, I used to love this old Nintendo game, but it was so long since I played it, I forgot that John Kerry was in it. (sent in by Salieri)

* Frank Joins the 21st Century: I finally got a scanner, so, to celebrate, I searched through my two volume set of the entire Far Side collection to find my all time favorite far side comic and scan it. Ended up it was halfway through the second volume (damn that took a long time). Anyway, here it is.

* The Tralse: Also, now that I have a scanner, I'll show you one of my greatest inventions. Now, we've all had true/false tests. Some have you put an 'F' or a 'T' next to the statement, but then some teachers found it was easy to fudge it and make something that looks halfway between the two letters. So, those teachers make you spell out the whole word. That got me thinking: is there anyway to fudge the entire word?

The answer is the Tralse:

Basically, you fudge the first letter as normal, then you begin to write the letters "rue" in cursive, making the 'r' a bit curved so it might be an a and extending the first half of the 'u' so it could also be seen as an 'ls'.

Now we run into the supervillian paradox: The reason there aren't actually any supervillians is because, if someone was smart enough to be one, he could make money legally. And I, smart enough to make the tralse, never needed to cheat on a test because I always knew the answers. I'd sure love to hear of someone in either high school or college who is stumped on one question in a true/false test trying this out and telling me what happens, though.

* Let's Go Clubbing: Canadians have gone back to killing cute little baby seals, seeking out and destroying them just like they aren't doing terrorists. I'm so torn. I don't like Canadians, because, well, they're Canadians and God made them for us to pick on. But I also don't like baby seal just because they're always breaking into building and trashing places and robbing liquor stores. So who do I side with? I think I'll side with the seals, because I've never gotten pissed off by accidentally getting seal money as change.

* They Just Want Attention and They Don't Care What Kind It Is: INDC journal has pictures from another one of those dumb anti-war/anti-America/anti-humanity protests, but this time some Iraqis confront the hippies to mix things up. "Pacifists" used to not like people being killed (or, at least, that was the propaganda), but these guys seem to have lost their way. Here's a radical solution: ignore them. The debate is not helped by the input of jobless idiots who like to yell. When you see protestors, instead of beating up the hippies like normal, beat up the reporters covering them (their co-dependents). Then we'll have peace.

* Fan Club E-Mail: To all the people who signed up for the fan club, I’m going to learn to set up a proper e-mail list and send it out again. Then we’ll get to [rest of message blacked out]

* One Last Thing: Remember: Bush is on T.V. tonight. My advice to him is to remember that the press is your enemy and they want to destroy you. I'd come out and immediately hit a few with a bat which should itimidate them from being too negative. Unfortunately, violence is the only language they understand (well, the only one worth talking to them in).

Rating: 1.8/5 (6 votes cast)

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April 06, 2004
Bite-Sized Wisdom: Fallujah, Kos, Jobs, Big Fat Teddy K, Movies, Fans, Hidden French Messages, and It Finally Comes
Posted by Frank J. at 09:01 AM

* It Ain't Funny... Yet: A lot of people asked me right after the Fallujah killings why I didn't say anything; well, that's because there wasn't anything funny to say. I guess I'm locked in my format, and I'm not that good at serious commentary.

That Marines are there, anyway, and, as soon as they track down those responsible and riddle them bullets, then I'll make a joke. Ooh! I got one now...

* In Bloggo Veritas: I assume most people have heard about the Kos kerfuffle where his feeling about those who were killed in Fallujah was "screw them." Geez, what is it with pacifists and a complete utter lack of humanity?

Anyway, when does one cross the line from dissenter to horrible human being? I think most would say Chomsky and Michael Moore crossed that line a while ago, and it's starting to look like Kos did. Sure, he took down the statement, but it's very revealing how someone is so caught up in his or her own politics that he or she would immediately respond to horrific killings with "screw them". It seems his political philosophies are more important to him than human lives.

He should have come to IMAO. We help make sure you don't take politics too seriously (why do I always say 'we'?).

* For the Record I: If Kos's burnt corpse was mutilated and dragged through the street, I'd say, "Hey! Don't do that!"

I guess as a warmongering hawk, I just have a different view on the sanctity of life.

* Jobs!: 308,000 new jobs were made in March. That's a freaking lot of jobs! The Kerry campaign must be crapping their pants. They already know no one is going to trust John Flip-Flopping Kerry to handle the war on terror, so, if he can't make the economy an issue, he's got nut'n... except for his wife's millions. Why does every rich, haughty, French-looking person gotta run for office? Why can't he just be happy with his snotty social status and money? As Homer Simpson would say, "Go back to Massachusetts, pinko!"

Hey, since I filed my blog in my taxes as an in-home business, does this blogging count as one of those jobs? Anyway, it's my job, and no one else can have it!

* All This Attention Must Give Him a Big Head: John Kerry's hatchet man, Ted Kennedy, has now compared Iraq to Vietnam. Why does anyone listen to that man? Oh yeah; he's a freak'n Senator. Stupid Taxachusetts.

I just can't believe that bloated man's gall. If he had his way, he would drive this country right off a cliff and then swim to safety while letting us drown. Well, America is going to fight evil no matter how bloated an impotent Senator Massachusetts elects. You hear that, jackasses? And once we're done with terrorists, we're coming for you!

* For the Record II: If Ted Kennedy's burnt corpse was mutilated and dragged through the street, I'd say, "Wow! That vehicle has some torque!"

Kidding.

He may be an uber-partisan, lecherous liberal who's committed vehicular homicide, but he's our uber-partisan, lecherous liberal who's committed vehicular homicide, dammit, and you evil foreigners better not burn him and mutilate his corpse if you know what's good for you (which, as history shows, you probably don't).

* IMAO Seal of Approval: I saw the movie Rundown over the weekend. It's a pretty cool action flick starring The Rock with Christopher Walken (with a quick cameo from the Governator), and should have two scenes in it where you should instantly think of IMAO. Anyone who has seen it know what I'm talking about? Definitely worth a rent or, if you're like me, putting on your Netflix queue.

* The Circle is Now Complete: Speaking of movies, I've noticed on my sidebar that the original Star Wars trilogy on DVD is now available for pre-order. Is that the last of the movie holdouts to finally hit DVD, or is there some other classic (well, Star Wars was classic back when Han Solo shot first) still not available in the modern movie format?

* Monkey News: Monkey are making life hell for citizens of Chandigarh, India, stealing food and just generally being monkeys. India is a growing democracy, and, to fully join the civilized world, they must destroy the temples of Hanuman the monkey god and hunt down all the evil monkeys. A democratic country with nuclear power is worthless if monkeys are running everywhere, jumping from nuclear missile to nuclear missile while making their silly monkey sounds. The world - namely me - is laughing at you, India, and you shouldn't take that.

* For the Record III: If monkeys' burnt corpses were mutilated and dragged through the street, that would be a good start.

* Fan Buttons: I now have buttons for my fan clubs. I have a nice one made from a reader Ben for fan club one, and I used one of the ones supplied by Jennifer for fan club two.

Make sure to sign up for the Frank Fan Club so that you too can be used towards making me rich and famous and stealing Jonah Goldberg's job. I'll send an e-mail to charter members this weekend welcoming you and giving you your one time pads to decrypt the super secret Frank Fan messages.

* Some Americans (I'm Ashamed to Say) Do Read French: Now we have subversive laptop tote bags (thanks to reader Jeff for e-mailing me this one).

So, by putting the message in just the French, do you think they are trying to be funny or are cowards?

Either way, let's not take this too far and mutilate their burnt corpses while our children cheer us on.

* T-Shirt Babe!!!: The official announcement for the IMAO T-Shirt Babe contest will be tomorrow, along with the rules, list of the prizes, and the celebrity judges (plus details on how one IMAO reader can win being one of those judges). Help support this great contest which will add yet another job (namely IMAO T-Shirt Babe) to the Bush economy.

Rating: 3.1/5 (6 votes cast)

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March 30, 2004
Bite-Sized Wisdom: Bush is Moving on Up, Ketchup Boycott, British Terror, You Got Me, New (Well, Old) Logo, and Electrocuted Monkeys
Posted by Frank J. at 08:35 AM

* Bush Go Up: Yay! Bush is gaining in the polls since people have started to learn that John Kerry sucks. This was inevitable as more people would hear Kerry talk. His haughty frenchness causes people to retch and vote Republican.

The CW is that this is going to be a close election, but I want a blow out. Then I'm going to Democratic Underground and imagine everyone's heads exploding.

* Ketchup on Our Hands: A reader Adam suggest boycotting Heinz to fight the John Kerry machine. That's a tough call. Heinz is the ketchup, and I went to college in Pittsburgh where Heinz is one of the last industries there since the steel left. Still, each time we put that blood-like condiment on our burgers, we could be putting money into the hands of Kerry's wife which might then be taken by John Kerry himself. Is moving to catsup the only option to stop John Kerry and his evil plans of evil? And what about French's mustard? Will that be taken as implicit support of Kerry?

Politics is hard. I'm going to stick to eating jellybeans to show my support of Reagan.

UPDATE: The Heinz company denies involvement with John Kerry.

* Explosions... Again: James Bond foiled a terrorist plot and found tons of explosives in the UK. Stupid terrorists; don't they have any terror ideas that don't involve explosions? Like, they could secretly put potholes in our roads at night.

"You will continue to see potholes infidels, unless you surrender to Islam and throw all your Jews into the sea... except for that Seinfeld guy; he makes us laugh."

* Testify!: Senators are still demanding for Condoleezza Rice to openly testify for the 9/11 hearings. I bet this is all strategery on her part to hype her testimony for when she finally gives in. Then her testimony will be so testacular that it will blow everyone away. And Richard Clarke will commit seppuku in disgrace while everyone turns against the Clinton administration and lynches them all.

Or, at least, that's my political prediction. Everyone has their own.

UPDATE: My prediciton is coming true so far...

* You Got Me I: A lot of you e-mailed me about Clinton's ninja plan for terrorism, and, okay, you got me. I was a foreign policy advisor for the Clinton administration. You happy now? None of my ideas were ever used though, not even the preemptive strike against monkeys.

* The Loser Club: At Jonah "Lame-o" Goldberg's Fan Club, Eric is taunting me because he thinks he can win Derbyshire's support with a silly t-shirt. Bah! I'm now linked at Derbyshire's homepage. Not even Jonah can say that. He's going down!

* Logo Idea: For my fans (the smarter, cooler, more attractive fans) to discuss, I was thinking of making this the logo of IMAO:

What do y'all think?

* You Got Me II: Fine. You got me again. I have a secret lab in Japan. And no, I won't tell you what goes on there.

* Bushido: A man in the U.K. was sentenced to prison for stabbing an armed attacker to death with a samurai sword (what the story leaves out is that the guy with the sword is a drug dealer and stabbed the man in the back). Sometimes I almost wish guns were banned just so I would have to rely on a katana as defense. Right now, it just ain't practical for me when I have the shotgun and handguns in easy reach. Such is modern life.

* Monkey News I: The Commie Chinese not only have a monkey king, but he is going to sully the national pastime of baseball. War!

* Monkey News II: Solution to monkey problem: don't insulate your electrical wires. Then, as they jump from tree to tree, God will take care of them. God's cool.

* Victory Is Mine!: Instapundit now correctly links to IMAO again. That reminds me: I haven't been doing much with The Alliance as of late. I still plan on turning them into a giant media conglomerate to rival all others, but I'll need to delegate more.

* More Coming: Big posting tomorrow as I'll have a new In My World™ plus the new The Limey letter and response (as long as I get it all done before the return of 24 tonight). Also, I'll have a few more posts today when I have time. Later, mo'fo's.

Rating: 2.1/5 (14 votes cast)

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March 23, 2004
Bite-Sized Wisdom: Kerry Wipes Out, Yassin Yassin Yassin, the Only Good Gorilla, and Writing Is Hard
Posted by Frank J. at 08:21 AM

* Protection on the Slopes: So Kerry was skiing in Idaho (Idaho! I don't care how much he skis; he ain't winning that state), and then fall downs when he runs into a Secret Service agent. Then he exclaims, "I don't fall down!" and uses and expletive to describe the Secret Service Agent. Makes him seem a wee bit haughty. And why is the Secret Service skiing with him anyway? Why can't they just post snipers to watch Kerry? Then, if a Secret Service agent caused Kerry to crash, Kerry would have a better excuse.

"I don't fall; that son of a bitch shot me!"

And then you'd hear up in the trees, "My bad."

* He Did What?: Did you know that Kerry served in Vietnam?

* Permission Slips: So the Israelis kill Yassin, and some are pointing their fingers at the U.S. saying we gave the go ahead. Hey, we like the idea of other countries asking us before they do anything, but, since Israel has survived amidst people who want them dead for so long, we trust that they know what they're doing. Kill who you want.

* So Let Me Guess - You Want to Kill Jews: So the Palestinians are like, "Kill joooos! Kill joooos!"

And then the Israelis kill Yassin and the Palestinians are like, "Kill joooos! Kill joooos!"

And the news services report, "Hamas Vows to Kill Jews".

And it's like, what's changed? The Palestinians have been trying their hardest to kill Jews already, that they can't really up the ante. I mean, the Israelis could kidnap Arafat, take him to the beach, and push him into the sea, and all the Palestinians could do is shake their tiny fists in impotent rage while shouting, "Kill joooos!"

The only one who can realistically threaten more violence is Israel, and, if that happens, there is going to be a major virgin shortage in paradise.

* Bail!: I heard when Yassin got hit, his brain shot right out his skull. I hope my own brain is smart enough to try and save itself like that when the time comes.

* For Sale: One used wheelchair, slightly singed.

* What a Dick: So this Dick Clarke character is claiming the Bush administration has bungled the War on Terror and that Condi is some retard who never heard of al Qaeda and...

Know what, I think I'll save that for tomorrow’s In My World™.

* Happy Killers: Anti-depressants are a suicide risk? How does that work? Are you like really happy during plunge from the bridge?

* New Movie Trend: So The Passion of the Christ finally lost its top spot to Dawn of the Dead. I guess the popular movies now are ones where people come back to life. I think Dawn of the Dead has a different take on it, though.

* Monkey News I: A gorilla (scientific name gorilla gorilla) escaped from the zoo and hurt people. That's scary! But there is a happy ending. The police shot the gorilla. Yay!

* Monkeys News II: I've always said humanity will end one of two ways: robots take over (ala Terminator) or monkeys take over (ala Planet of the Apes). Well, some fool scientist is trying to combine the two. Here is what you will now be seeing in your nightmares. I think this is enough cause to put a halt to all science until we further investigate that no one is causing the destruction of humanity.

* I Like It When People Talk About Why I'm Funny: Harvey (not the imaginary rabbit but the one who won the contest that never happened and shall not be mentioned again) analyzes one of my pieces to see why it is funny. I don't agree with all the analysis, but that's exactly the sort of serious piece I would like to do if I had more time. I don't think you can actually get funnier by analyzing humor, but I just find it fun. Plus, I took a college class on the subject, so I'm super knowledgeable. Well, maybe later I'll have some more Why Me Laugh™ pieces so we can all be scientifical.

* Bitch Bitch Bitch: Man, I'm trying to keep up the funny here while at same time trying to write two different novels. If I add in stealing Jonah Goldberg's job on top of my regular job, I'm really stretching myself thin. I hope you all appreciate this. Oh! And buy my t-shirts!

Rating: 2.7/5 (19 votes cast)

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March 16, 2004
Bite-Sized Wisdom: Spain, Swordless Aussies, Influence, Angry Gun Owners, and A Joke About Martyrdom
Posted by Frank J. at 08:23 AM

* LET'S DESTROY OUR COUNTRY: So, in response to the elections, the Spaniards elect Socialists? This is why, before now, I have never followed politics outside the States. No one here could run as a Socialist and have a chance of winning. Electing Socialist to run your country is just like shooting yourself in the head.

No, no... actually, it's more like shooting yourself in stomach.

* THE TERROISTS HAVE WON... DEATH!: So now I'm concerned that the terrorists will take the political shift in Spain as a victory, leading to more terror, but then I remember, whether they think they won or not, we're still going to kill them. And then I'm happy.

* HERE TO STAY: Now the Spanish Socialists are planning on withdrawing troops from Spain. You've always heard of refuseniks (here's one jerk), but what if the Spaniards refuse to leave and stay to kill terrorists? Then what are they? Killniks?

* FAVORITE OF COMMIES AND PINKOS: John Kerry claims that there are foreign leaders who support him, but won't say who. One we know of is Kim Jong Il, as they play anti-Bush John Kerry speeches in North Korea. Another is the incoming Socialist to Spain. Other than that, it looks like he's just doing Gore-esque boasts. Even Chirac won't support him, as the French hate all Americans, even the haughty, French-looking ones, who - by the way - served in Vietnam.

* THEN ONLY NINJAS WILL HAVE SWORDS: Bad news for our Aussie friends: they're banning swords. Soon they'll all be dying from ninja attacks with nothing they can do to save themselves. I'm just glad I live in America where I can legally carry a sword with me wherever I go... as long as I can find a way of concealing it. And just wearing a trench coat like in Highlander doesn't actually work. You could try shoving it down the front of your pants, but most people probably won't buy that.

* I'M INFLUENTIAL: There is a list of the most influential bloggers and reporters, and Reynolds, who is number one, is skeptical. To help with that skepticism, I'm number 19. Take that, Jodi Wilgoren of the New York Times.

* SLACKER GENIUSES: I am ashamed to have graduated from CMU, who have failed DARPA and our country by completing only 5% of the course with their robot Humvee. What? Did they assign the "special" engineers to design the automated vehicle? I say, if a student can't make a Humvee that drives itself, he should be expelled. Now our poor troops have to drive themselves like normal. Sorry guys; you deserve better.

* MONKEY NEWS: Six monkeys were found in a man's apartment in New York. Ends up he meant them to be there, but, if you move into a new apartment and find it overrun with monkeys, don't be afraid to bring that up with the super.

* POKING TIGERS WITH A SHARP STICK: There is a plan for a Fort Wayne.com in Indiana to publish the names of all concealed weapons permit holders for all sorts of fruity reasons they came up with. Publicola is all over this, and wants to retaliate by publishing as much information as he can about the people from Fort Wayne. Don't those people know that to single out gun owners makes them angry, and, well, they have guns? I say give the angry gun owners the addresses of those pestering them and then see who also becomes gun owners.

BTW, there is now an Angry Gun Owner Association site based on my previous idea.

* MARTYRS: A reader Rob sent in this joke:

Two Arab mothers are sitting in the Gaza strip chatting over a pint of goat's milk. The oldest mother pulls her bag out and starts flipping through pictures, and they start reminiscing.

"This is my oldest son Mohammed. He's 24 year old", says mum.

"Yes, I remember him as a baby" says the other mother gleefully.

"He's a martyr now though" mum confides.

"Oh dear?" says the other

"And this is my second son Kalid. He's 21"

"Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly hair when he was born".

"He's a martyr too " says mum quietly.

"Oh gracious me ...." says the other.

"...and this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Achmed. He's 18", she whispers.

"Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school".

"He's a martyr also," says mum, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Arab mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says, "Its amazing, they blow up so fast, don't they?"


It's funny 'cause it's true.

Rating: 2.3/5 (9 votes cast)

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March 09, 2004
Bite-Sized Wisdom: Me Busy (Again), Hillary, Bill, Martha Stewart, Wallet Gun, a Frank Confession, and a Blogger Needs Our Help
Posted by Frank J. at 07:12 AM

* I got a busy week, so I'm not going to be able to spoil you like last week with all my regular posting plus The Limey. I know, you don't care. You're saying, "You're our clown here to amuse us. Now dance for us! Dance! Ha ha ha!" Well, as John F'n Kerry would say, I served in Vietnam.

* There are some suggestions that Hillary Clinton could be John Kerry's running mate. That would be historical for a number of reasons if Kerry gets elected. First, she'd be the first ever female vice president and second Kerry would then break the record set by William Henry Harrison for shortest term in office by "mysteriously" dying within an hour of being inaugurated.

* There are also some people reading the Constitution and disputing what the meaning of "is" is and saying that Bill Clinton could run for Vice President. This would seem to serve no purpose, though, than to make me go on a murder spree. Why do people want me to go on a murder spree?

* I never had much of an opinion on this whole Martha Stewart case, but it seems to me she had a bum rap. What was she convicted for? Lying to federal officials? Who doesn't do that? Once, I said to a cop, "Nice day, officer."

Total BS. The day was crummy.

So what? You going to put me in prison now? Still, Martha Stewart in prison could be cool for some. They'd register their car and get their license plates and remarked, "Wow, someone really put some work into this one. They did so much with just indented print and a little paint. It's a good thing."

I wonder how much you could get for an authentic Martha Stewart license plate on Ebay? Can you sell license plates on Ebay? Ahh, screw Ebay; they won't even let you sell guns.

* Iraq now has a constitution. All they need now is strength, dexterity, intelligence, wisdom, and charisma and they'll be ready to go.

* Did I just make a Dungeon & Dragons role playing joke? Bad geek Frank! I stab you and you die now!

* I had mentioned the idea of a wallet gun before, and even people in my college gun club thought that was dumb. Still, in the latest issue of Gun Tests magazine they gave a good review to a $345 Kel-Tec P3AT .380 (made just north of me in Cocoa, Florida) that fits in your back pocket. They also recommend a $35 pocket holster for it that gives it the profile of a wallet. Then, if someone asks for your money, you can go like your reaching for you wallet, but instead pull out your .380 and shoot the guy - which works great if you're being mugged but not so good if your supposed to be paying for a Slurpee. The only problem with that is where would I put my actual wallet? Oh! I could buy one of those fanny pack holsters and put it in there along with another gun. Now all I'll need is to get a second .45 to replace my PPK and I'll be set. I'll have my primary gun, my secondary (sinister) gun (the second .45), a backup gun (maybe a .38 special that goes in the fanny pack), and a surprise gun for when a gun is already on me (the wallet gun). That would be so cool! Now all I need to do is move to a place with more crime. I hear Cocoa is pretty bad.

* I have a confession to make: I like Chunky Monkey ice cream. Yes, I like an ice cream with "monkey" in the title that is made by Vermont hippies. It's just it's such creamy, yummy banana ice cream with big chunks of chocolate and walnut. I guess the only compensation is that Ben & Jerry's ice cream is too expensive for poor people to buy, who'll have to settle with the supermarket brand ice cream like starving people in Ethiopia. Anyway, I hope you all still respect me as a blogger; I just had to get that off my chest.

* Finally, and most importantly, I'd like to say that the blogosphere is more that just news commentary, made up stories about an angry dog, and telling completely true lies about the blending of puppies; I like to think we're a community too. Right now, one of us needs help. Serenity had broken her ankle and needs surgery. She has a lot of bills, and she won't be able to have any income for two months as she recovers. She has some veteran benefits, but that won't cover everything. Serenity was instrumental in getting Front Line Voices up and keeping it running, putting a lot of time into that, and she means a lot to me at least. If you have anything to spare, please go to Serenity's site and give her a little help during her down time. It's the American way to help out each other (and I consider all my readers American... even the Canadians). In the least, go wish her well.

Oh, and if you're Whitler, finish your damn essay because it would make her happy.

Rating: 2.4/5 (28 votes cast)

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March 02, 2004
Bite-Sized Wisdom: Boring Tuesday, Stalin's Revenge, Fan Mail, Interviews, and Best Picture
Posted by Frank J. at 08:47 AM

* It's Super Tuesday! Isn't that super!

Ah... who am I kidding; politics is boring right now. When is Bush going to release the attack dogs? I want to see Kerry's blue blood splattered over the pavement.

Oh, and they should attack him verbally too.

* So the evil Commie Stalin still seeks revenge against us with his monster crabs. What I don't get is why they just don't infest the water with some giant, mutant sharks. It would take care of the crabs, and there is no known down side I can think of.

* I was asked why don't also print fan mail instead of just hate mail. It's because no one has ever expressed even the vaguest notion of liking my site whatsoever. Sad but true.

* So what did everyone think of my interview? I have a few ideas of people to rope in next. Maybe I'll be known as "Frank J. - Asking the Questions Others Are Too Smart to Ask". To help me get good guests to interview, if anyone asks, tell him or her I'm very respectable.

* In celebration of Lord of the Rings finally winning the Oscar (plus my finally finishing reading the trilogy), there will be a very special In My World™ tomorrow.

I personally think Lord of the Rings was the most deserving film to win best picture in Oscar history. The award always goes to some talky picture, and that's crap. You can have great acting and a great story in a play, but these are movies. The best picture should use all of the medium available to it, and thus story and acting are only parts of a best picture. It needs cool action, special effects, and sound effects. Lord of the Rings not only had the story and acting, it had the action and cool stuff too... the stuff you go to movies to see.

It's my firm conviction that, whatever year it happened to come out in, Die Hard should have won best picture. Anyone who says otherwise just doesn't understand movies.

* BTW, what do you think the Blogfather's comment means? I think I'll have to get an interview with him eventually to find out.

* One last thing: where's a good place on the internet to buy DVD's cheap? I want to start collecting the Zatoichi series (more of which are being released on DVD soon, plus the new movie will be hitting theaters this year). Them little throwing disks can be expensive.

Rating: 3.1/5 (8 votes cast)

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February 24, 2004
Bite-Sized Wisdom: More Primary, Crazy Kerry, Wacky Nader, Jesus, King of the Hill, NEA Terrorists, and Support Democracy
Posted by Frank J. at 07:07 AM

* I'm tired of the Democrat primary again. Just pick your joker and get it on... and make it Kerry. It was unfair to float Dean out there as a target and then pull him away, and now I'm all excited to see the piranhas have a go at Lurch. As for the pretty-boy trial lawyer, why don't he aim for something smaller like a guest spot on The Practice.

* Do you hear how Kerry wants to debate Bush about Vietnam because Kerry says that Bush is the one who has been bringing it up for political gain? Little tip, Kerry: the Botox injections go in the muscles of the face, not directly into the brain.

* Nader is such a joke, but I hope a good number of idiot hippies take him seriously to help tip the odds in Bush's favor. I just can't get past the way he says "corporations". He very slowly and meticulously enunciates it (kor-por-ay-shuns), and keeps acting like there is nothing worse in the world and that he can't understand that some people may actually like corporations.

Anyway, he'll never make it anywhere unless he gets some corporate money.

* So what's happening with the Iraq democracy? Details like that aren't as interesting as war, so I haven't been paying much attention. To help, we could donate some Democrats to the Iraqis for them to either vote for, get advice from, or bury in pits. Whatever they want.

* Mel Gibson's move about Jesus is coming out this Wednesday. I plan on seeing it, and it's already got me thinking about theological issues. One is was Jesus technically Jewish or Christian? To be Christian, you have to worship Christ, and that just sounds way too narcissistic for Jesus.

* Speaking of learning from movies, I found out from The Last Castle that flying your flag upside down means you are in distress. That means Japan could be in distress right now and no one would ever know!

* Anyone see King of the Hill Sunday? It was all about Hank taking his son on a camping trip to teach him self-reliance, but then the campsite gets invaded by hippies. He eventually gets rid of the hippies by cutting off park services then telling them how they'll still be able to continue camping, but it will take some "hard work". Next scene, all the hippies are fleeing, and one calls Hank the epithet "Rumsfeld".

It's nice to know there are some shows out there with good values.

* Education Secretary Rod Paige called the National Education Association a terrorist organization. The NEA says they were only bluffing about killing America's children unless their union demands are met.

* So Al Qaeda is now speaking out against France because of their scarf ban. This has caused France to immediately join in the desperate search for Osama so that they may surrender to him.

* Bush met with the governors Monday. Man, I wish I were a governor. Then, if anyone wasn't treating me with respect, I could say, "Don't you know who I am? I know Arnold Schwarzenegger!"

* In monkey news, there was a census of aggressive monkeys in northern India to see how humans and simians can live together. I think the solution is a little thing called "shotguns".

* Voting in the Win Frank J.'s Funny will go on until noon today (ET). I'll then announce the winner (and losers) tomorrow morning. I did take a glance at the poll results so far, and apparently not everyone has voted for mine. Remember, you're supposed to pick the funniest list. That's funniest.

Rating: 2.5/5 (16 votes cast)

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February 03, 2004
Bite-Sized Wisdom: Primaries, Stampedes, Blog Ads, Wardrobe Malfunctions, and Quarters
Posted by Frank J. at 07:19 AM

* More primaries today. If you're a Democrat, go and vote. If you're a Republican, go and beat up a Democrat in practice for the general election. Also, maybe we could work on some more confusing ballots to replace the butterfly one. I’m thinking it should involve some sort of word puzzle.

* Zeke came riding into camp, a look of terror on his face. "Get out of here!" he shouted, "It's a stampede!"

"Dammit!" Richards yelled as he ran for his horse. "I knew Clemens couldn't keep control of them."

"Well, there ain't no stopping them now," Zeke said, "When you have a Muslim stampede, the only thing to do is get out of the way. They even crushed ole Yellar, Clemens best Muslim herding dog."

Soon they saw the fearsome sight of thousands of men in white robes and women covered head to toe who were charging forward while ululating, running over everything in their path as if fleeing from the devil himself. Everyone not looking for a martyrship ran for cover.

* Okay, maybe with the number of people killed, it's not proper to make fun. Also, though it's easy to point out how stupid a culture is that has deadly stampedes every year, I hardly seem in a position to throw stones when, in this country, we have people doing dumb things like rioting after a Super Bowl win. Then again, at least when I throw stones I don't stampede.

* Instapundit finally got Blog Ads, just as I reccommended to him. I'll wait here patiently for my ten percent commission.

Since he's asking $800 a month for an ad, maybe he shouldn't take my advice and spend it all on beer.

* I love the Justin Timberlake explanation of the Super Bowl halftime fiasco: it was a "wardrobe malfunction." I'll have to remember that one.

"Were you watching strippers?"

"Honest, honey, they weren't strippers! They just had a wardrobe malfunction!"

* I'm the seven of hearts on the deck of cards of most dangerous right wing bloggers. Misha sure beat me out, though, making the ace of clubs. Then again, seven is the holy number, and many do say I'm god-like.

* Have you seen the Alabama quarter? They have Helen Keller on it, i.e., the best person they could think of to represent Alabama is someone who is deaf, dumb, and blind (BTW, what time period is Helen Keller from? I mean, is she dead now, and, if so, how would she know?).

So far, I think the most representative quarter is the New Jersey quarter. It has the image of George Washington crossing the Delaware. Take it from someone who lived in New Jersey for nine years: there is no more apropos an image for Jersey than a bunch of people leaving it.

* Man, there was supposed to be a real special guest talking to my writers group yesterday but we got stood up. Well, next week will be the group critiquing of my novel, and it will be good to get some opinions from people who aren't fans of my website. Maybe afterwards, I'll put up some of the novel for whoever is interested to see it again (it's been changed a bit from last time).

Anyway, here's a neat blog from someone working for Tor with a post on rejection letters. I've yet to get one yet, but I'm already planning my hissy fit.

* Well, I'm tired and got no more time for blogging. BTW, if you were sending ricin to Senator Frist, please stop it. Thank you.

Rating: 2.3/5 (12 votes cast)

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January 27, 2004
Bite-Sized Wisdom: Pick Someone Already, My Presidential Campaign, Angry Knowledge Seekers, and Dennis Miller and His Monkey
Posted by Frank J. at 07:15 AM

* Man, I'm getting tired with all this, ya know, political news. Why can't the Democrats just nominate some jerk-off and get it over with; I want to know who to focus my energies on. I still hope Dean can pull through; I'd really like it if the election is a landslide for Bush. Then it would be funny if, after he is reelected, to just piss of the wacky left he comes out and says, "Everyone is right - I am Hitler! And there is nothing you can do about it! Muh ha ha ha!"

* If, God forbid, Bush isn't reelected, then what happens to In My World™? I'm scared.

* Amazon.com allows you to donate to candidates now, both ones with a chance and wacky fringe candidates. They list them all, though not all of them have signed up (you can't donate to Bush through Amazon; they just refer you to Bush's website). I wonder if I can get on there? I'm planning a presidential run for 2016, and it's never too early to start on getting the donations.

Man, I just hope all terrorists aren't dead by then; then the presidency would be boring. Oh, and no one better bomb France until I get into power; they're mine.

* I don't control search engine rankings, but that doesn't keep people from getting angry at me. Usually, if I'm looking something up and find a website that doesn't have the information I need, I just move on. But, apparently some people like to stop and further waste their time by complaining. A great example is this post of mine which it seems a lot of people trying to research types of governments runs into. Look at all the complaining dinguses.

I especially like the people who write in the comment section what information they were looking for, like someone is going to magically accommodate them. Man, computers have gotten too easy to use. I liked it back in the good ole days when the average man feared computers like the early caveman feared the cuisinart.

* Dennis Miller is getting a show on CNBC. I like his politics, and am learned enough to understand about half his jokes, but I question the idea to have a monkey on his show, running around to keep his guests on their toes. If I were his guest, though, he'd soon hear, "Hey, Dennis, your monkey is dead."

"What! How did he die?"

"Natural causes... ME!"

* Sorry, I only had like ten minutes to write something today. Maybe I'll have more at lunchtime. Either way, something longer for tomorrow. Peace, yo.

Rating: 2.2/5 (14 votes cast)

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January 20, 2004
Bite-Sized Wisdom: The Iowa Caucus, State of the Union, Impeach Bush, the Patriot Act, and Acting Like Monkeys
Posted by Frank J. at 08:30 AM

* So John Kerry won the Iowa Caca... but I want Dean! He has so much more humor potential (who wants more Howie and Skeeter?) and was supposed to have a lock on the nomination. Well, it's not over yet; everyone get out there and support angry man Dean. Plus, if he doesn't win the nom, he could hurt someone. Did you see his "concession" speech (a.k.a. "Look how quickly I came name all fifty states and then squeal")? He totally like freaked out, dude. I hope his back is okay.

UPDATE: The video of Howard Dean freaking out is here. Can someone get me a .wav file of just that squeal at the end?

* As for Bush's State of the Union address tonight, I think a lot of my previous advice still applies. What I also think he should do is threaten the Democrats who are planning on challenging him by saying, "And I will beat anyone who opposes me just like I beat Saddam." Then he should have Saddam appear on stage so he could savagely beat him to a standing ovation since. This will be good for him because people will think beating up Saddam is cool, and it will associate the Democrats with Saddam whom everyone hates (or at least I do; I have to stop thinking everyone shares the same opinion as me. Some people are too dumb to think like me).

* I got an e-mail from Democrats.com that they are going to start to try and impeach Bush. There logic being that the deaths in Iraq has now passed 500, and that is a nice round number so Bush should be impeached. What a bunch of dinguses. I think we should start a movement to impeach all Democrats because I hate them. Also supporting the articles of impeachment could be the fact that they smell.

* So many people seem to hate the Patriot Act. I keep hearing how it's a shredding of our rights, but, since the Senate vote was 98-1, at least it's a bipartisan shredding. But the only thing I've been convinced is Orwellian about the Patriot Act is its name; come on, you could name anything the Patriot Act. I bet there would be less controversy if it was just named something apt like the "Let’s be Mean to Terrorists" Act, "Reactionary Increase of Surveillance" Act, or "Man, Are Some People Going to Whine About This" Act.

* A number of readers (well, two) sent me this information: Singapore is urging its citizens to act like monkeys! The vast monkey influence spreads. I knew it wouldn't stop at simple monkey tolerance; they won't rest until we are all like them... or dead. Well, here's one man who won't act like a monkey. Everyone help me make a stand and boycott Chiquita.

* Well, I's busy so that's it for now. I will have an In My World™ for tomorrow, though. Any requests?

* BTW, the Emperor has an important public service announcement.

Rating: 1.9/5 (11 votes cast)

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January 13, 2004
Bite-Sized Wisdom: Change for IMAO, Dowd, Dumb Dems, Nightmares, and Monkeys Are Eating Your Children!
Posted by Frank J. at 07:12 AM

* Because of a tight schedule, my main posting is now going to be on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday from now on. On Tuesday and Thursday, you get what I can hack out real quick. Today it's some Bite-Size Wisdom™ and maybe some Frank Answers™ if I have time at lunch.

* Maureen Dowd is never going to get fired because everyone wants to read her columns. When she came back from her hiatus, it was the talk of the blogosphere. Did you read it? It was like a stream of thought essay by a schizophrenic. You could not write something that bad if you tried, and that's why her articles are entertaining in their own way. She’s like the Ed Wood of columnists.

* As Opinion Journal pointed out, this poll shows that the average Republican knows more about the Democrat presidential nominees than the average Democrat, even though there ain't a way in God's name we'd ever vote for them. And I remember seeing some article arguing that we're the party of the dumb. It's a fact that, if someone closely follows politics, odds are he or she is a Republican. Draw your own logical conclusion from that.

* I had this nightmare the other night where I was stuck in a building and there were terrorists with hostages on the floor below me. So, I grabbed some clips for my .45 and then tried to find my gun among my dad's gun collection, but all I could locate were 9mm's. And, though they had higher capacity, there was no way I was going to face terrorists with a 9mm. So I kept looking, but, when I found my .45, it was broken. Any psychologists out there know what that dream may mean?

* In monkey news... monkeys are eating your children! Grab your shotguns and kill them now! NOW! If we were really serious, we'd make eliminating monkeys part of our war on terror.

* That's all you get for now. See you later.

* One more thing: how come no one pointed out that the date I had on my previous post, May 3, 2004 (now corrected) didn't make any sense? I only found out when it was reprinted (with permission, I might add) on Right Wing News. Come on, people; be more observant!

Rating: 2.6/5 (10 votes cast)

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January 05, 2004
Bite-Sized Wisdom: Debates, Mars, King Returning, Bobsled Frank, New Year's Resolutions, and AHHH!
Posted by Frank J. at 06:48 AM

* I need to get back in the groove before I do another In My World™, so maybe Wednesday. So here is some crap I came up with until then.

* Did they just have another Democrat debate? I don't even think the pundits are watching these anymore. The only interest in them is whether any will be able to topple Howard Dean. Well, I hope Dean makes for an entertaining election year. Republicans are predicting it will be a huge landslide, while Democrats are saying he's going to lose by a much smaller margin than we all think. Only time will tell who is right.

* So the European Mars probe failed while our Mars probe kicks ass. This once again proves that space is only for Americans and everyone else should stay out of it.

* I saw Return of the King over the holiday. My only question was did they rewind the king first?

* With the rise in popularity of DVD's, how long until no one would get that joke?

* To those who said to the previous bullet point, "It doesn't matter because it wasn't funny in the first place," screw you!

* Over the holiday, I went bobsledding where they had the Winter Olympics in Salt Lake City. Here is me putting on my helmet:

Don’t I look like a Jamaican!

Here is me getting ready for take off. I'm the one right behind the pilot:

It was a lot like a roller coaster, except I had to be careful not to bump the guy in front of me or we could all die. I have to say, I'm used to experiencing 1G and it never seemed like much, but once you get to 2G's and 3G's and more, you really start to notice it.

* I guess my home phone number used to be the number of a diabetic medical supplier, because I keep getting all these calls for testing strips. I've even added to my answering machine message: "This is a residence, not a diabetic supplier." Still, every once in a while I get a message from some old person asking, "Are you closed right now? Please call me back at..." Old people: stop being so old!

* Part of my New Year's resolutions is to become a superhuman, achieving perfection in both mind and body. I also still plan to be rich and famous by the end of this year. The world needs to hear my opinions, and that's why it is my right - no my duty - to be rich and famous.

* Also, I resolve that my posts this year will be so funny that you will look at my posts from previous years and exclaim, "My God! What utter crap! I can't believe I actually used to like this stuff!"

* This post is excluded from that resolution.

* Everyone get their shirts? I haven't gotten mine yet because I was gone. How are they?

* Look at this hate mail I got from a Danny Robison:

Subject: you are the biggest damn loser
go to hell

Man, there is like nothing to work with there. It's like my hate-mailers keep getting dumber. Soon I'll be lucky if I get anything resembling a coherent sentence.

Subject: no like site
Grerawerr!

* So, I know what you are all asking: what's happening in monkey news? Well, the news is... IT'S NOW THE YEAR OF THE MONKEY!!!!

AHHH!

AHHH!

AHHH!

Stupid Chinese.

* I keep getting requests for a search function on my site. Why doesn't everyone just use Google with "IMAO" as a search term (or "site:www.imao.us" to be more exact)? That's what I do. I guess I could add one anyway, but Google, yo.

* I need to have a serious discussion with all of you about the future of this blog and... bah, I'll have it later. I'm tired. Hope you all had a great holiday!

* One more thing: AHHH!

Rating: 2.9/5 (20 votes cast)

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December 09, 2003
Bite-Sized Wisdom: En-Gore-sment, Bombing Other Countries for Our Own Good, Mutant Pets, and I Am the Last Samurai
Posted by Frank J. at 08:30 AM

* Al Gore Endorses Howard Dean; Women, Minorities, Joe Liberman Hit Hardest

* Al Gore is going to endorse Howard Dean. "According to the analysis of my sensors, Howard Dean is the best candidate," Gore-Bot said. He then added, "Destroy! Destroy!" while flailing his arms widely.

* North Korea says they'll put a freeze on its nuclear weapons program if we take them off the list of terrorist supporting nation and provide fuel aid. I say we retain our usual "Do as we say or we'll kill you" stance.

* Instrument data showed that radiation on Mars in "unlikely" to be fatal to a human. So who wants to test it out? Show of hands?

* You know that song from the South Park movie "Blame Canada"? I was thinking, wouldn't that would be an interesting idea to employ right after 9/11. We get a terrorist attack, we bomb Canada. It doesn't matter if they are responsible; if they know they'll get bombed by us if there is a terrorist attack, then they'll make it job number one to protect us from terrorism. In the same vein, we could maybe bomb France if our economy has a downturn, making it their interest to make sure we're always in prosperity. America is a big and important country, so I think it's a great idea to have other countries handle some of our problems for us. We can call this "Delegation Through Bombing".

* A poll shows that teenagers are more conservative than their parents. "I'm going to pray in school and not abort my baby, and I don't care what my parents say," declares some teenage punk. Teenagers!

* Bio-engineered pets are now on sale (except for California, which usually likes anything freakish). Right now, it's just neon zebra-fish of which the chance of them overtaking humanity is relatively small, but, if we continue on with this pet-engineering, we'll soon have elephants the size of dogs, gerbils the size of bears, and dogs the size of other dogs that they normally wouldn't be the size of. It's crazy!

* Actually, I'd still rather have a regular 'ole dog than a dog-size elephant. Actually, I'd have my dog chase the little elephant. "Run, you long-nosed freak! Run as fast as your stubby little legs can carry you! Ha ha ha!"

* In monkey news, monkeys are lobbying to be bioengineered next. They want to be super-intelligent, shoot lasers out their eyes, and be able to stare at someone and cause his head to explode just like a Scanner. They say they'll only use these powers to be more cute and cuddly, but I don't trust them!

* BTW, buy my t-shirt. It should be out any day. You need to wear one so people will know you are an IMAO fan and not an Eschaton fan.

* The Secret Service is going to interview Eminem for a song in which he allegedly wishes the president dead. Eminem, please don't kill the president; kids look up to you.

* I saw The Last Samurai over the weekend (and on a digital projector, too) and it was a great movie. It had lots of authentic samurai action plus a random ninja attack. The only good movie quality it lacked was female frontal nudity. I give it four stars out of five.

* That's enough wisdom for now. Remember to drink your milk and stay in school.

Rating: 2.5/5 (12 votes cast)

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December 02, 2003
Bite-Sized Wisdom: Piss-Off Terrorists, Suicidal Terrorists, and Monster Catfish
Posted by Frank J. at 08:12 AM

* It looks like angry liberal Dean has a lock on the Democratic nomination. I was really rooting for Liberman, though. I think he could do better if he had a campaign commercial that said, "Do you hate Middle East terrorist? Then really piss them off and elect a Jooooo!"

* So terrorists ambush us and get 54 of themselves killed. Then is it really accurate to call it an ambush? Isn't it more of a mass suicide? I wonder if these lemming tactics will continue...

* BTW, number one method of suicide this year is pissing off Americans.

* Maybe next time Bush visits Iraq, he could tip off the terrorists so they could do another "ambush". Then he could get a great photo-op of him killing one. That would be so cool!

* Native American tribes are now thinking of fielding their own candidates. They're trying to take this country over! The nerve of them!

* A boy was punished in school for using the word "gay" when referencing his lesbian mother. That's so gay!

* They are trying to save these catfish in Cambodia that are as large as bears. Shouldn't there be an exception to our preservation efforts for any animal that might threaten to one day conquer humans?

There is no reason a catfish should ever be larger than a dinner plate.

* Later today I'll post a sample of a chapter of a book I'm working on that's a scientifical analysis of the left. I'll also try and do some Frank Answers™. See you then.

Rating: 2.5/5 (13 votes cast)

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November 18, 2003
Bite Sized Wisdom: French Demands, Anti-Semitism Out of Control, Bush in London, Our Kick-Ass Friends, Lamentations of a Chickenhawk, and Make Frank Famous
Posted by Frank J. at 08:39 AM

* We're hoping to have a new government in Iraq by June 2004, but France is demanding one by the end of the year. First they're not only no help, but they work against us, and now they're trying to make demands on how to handle the liberation they didn't support. I know it's unprecedented, but the U.S. should just bomb France for being a bunch of douche bags. Just fly over them and drop a couple bombs on them. It'll shut them up, and probably be an important learning experience for them.

* As I showed earlier, anti-Semitism is completely out of control since it's now ever targeting Irish Catholics. What is it with those who hate Bush and hate liberating Iraq also hate Jews? I just love the irony of how they're basically saying, "Bush is turning America into Nazi Germany... and it's all because of the Joooos!"

* Finish him!

* They sure have a lot of security for Bush for his visit to London. If I were president, I wouldn't have any security and instead just carry a .44 magnum with a scope. First protestor to get within shouting distance... POW! Those dimwits will scatter like rats. And it's perfectly legal to kill people while in another country because their laws don't apply to us.

* Britain has been a great ally, by the way, as have many others. Italy has really shown what their made of by reacting to the cowardly attack against them with even more resolve. Who cares if we don't have the whiniest nations on board with us; all the most kick ass nations are already helping us out. We should like get together later and take over the world; I think the world would be a lot better for it. We could call ourselves the "Axis of Allies" or maybe just the "Super Friends".

* Arnold is now officially governor. Expect to find a legislator's head mysteriously crushed within a week.

* Dean is attacking Gephardt, Dean saying how he, unlike Gephardt, didn't want the Iraqis liberated and would not support money to help our troops and the poor Iraqis. Why has my opinion of Gephardt suddenly grown?

* In monkey news, Indonesia farmers are having their crops destroyed by monkeys. Quote one farmer, "All my corn plants have been destroyed. I don't dare do anything. If I throw stones to drive them away, the monkeys throw them back." Of course, environmentalists are blaming this on illegal loggers as they always do. Sure, blame everyone except for the monkeys.

* That Tom Tomorrow comic about chickenhawks made me be a bit introspective: am I a horrible chickenhawk? When the attack on 9/11 occurred, I thought that some big war was coming, and I informed my boss that, if they made the call for more recruits, I'd have to quit my job and join up. When that never happen, I considered doing the reserves or National Guard, but that takes like weeks of training and sounds hard. What I'd be willing to do, though, is use a week of my own vacation to do some quick training, fly over to the Middle East, and kill some terrorists. I don't want to be the only person on the block not to kill any.

* Actually, that might make a great tourist outing: terrorist safaris. Pay big bucks, and we help you hunt terrorists. Maybe we could even get Steve Irwin to help out:

"Those terrorist can be quite wily, and nothing pisses them off like implying that they're homosexual. Just watch this. Hey! Omar! Who's that next to you? Your boyfriend? Crikey! He's trying to kill me now! Isn't he beautiful?"

* I really like the idea of setting the goal of me being rich and famous by the end of next year. I'm working on a couple things now, such as doing more rewrites on my novel and coming up with a book proposal based on humor from my site, but you people need to help to by coming up with other ideas for how I can achieve fame and money and helping me implement them. What I think could help me is growing the readership numbers on my site to give me more clout, thus I'm thinking of, instead of having a pledge drive, to have a readership drive. I'll have more details on that as I think it up. I'll also come up with an official name for the make Frank famous movement, and benefits for charter members for when I actually am rich and famous, such as, at book signings, you can go to the front of the line. Remember, if I get rich and famous enough, I could probably have Ted Rall disappeared. Think about it.

Rating: 2.5/5 (22 votes cast)

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November 11, 2003
Bite-Sized Wisdom: Gitmo, Don't Mess with Abizaid, Gore-bot Speaks, Fed Ex, and Veteran's Day
Posted by Frank J. at 08:17 AM

* The Supreme Court is to hear about Gitmo detainees. Some people are worried that innocent people may be being detained at Guantanamo, but have you ever heard of innocent people hanging out with terrorists in Cuba?

* General Abizaid, are own Mad Arab, warns that attacks must stop in Iraq or he will kick everyone's asses. He was like, "You think you can f**k with America? Do you know who the f**k we are? We can inflict so much pain and suffering on you, that you will let out a sigh of relief when you finally die and go to hell. I'm General Abizaid! You will pray to your god for death, and he will not answer!" Actually, I don't know what he said, but I bet that's what Patton would say (except for that part where he calls himself "General Abizaid"). I miss Patton.

* There is no evidence Iran is making nukes. Good. Less to worry about when we invade them.

* Seen the new video of Gore Gone Wild? He's claiming that Bush used 9/11 as a pretext to consolidate power and then threw a bunch of red meat (or is the better expression "white tofu"?) to MoveOn.org muckadoos. What a whiner. I'm glad we stole the election.

* The U.N. wants to take our internet. The internet is owned by America! Americans created it, and an American invented it (Al Gore), so it is ours. Other countries should feel lucky that we let them use our world wide information network. I say as punishment the term "United Nations" should be forever banned from the internet. So let it be written, so let it be done.

* Fed Ex found body parts in a package and alerted the police. Lessons learned: if you're going to chop someone up and ship him, don't do it through Fed Ex because they’re a bunch of dirty squealers. Instead, use UPS; they bruise and batter your package so bad, that, if the police get their hands on it, they won't even be able to identify the body inside by its dental records.

* 26 Democrats want Rumsfeld fired. Rumsfeld wants 26 Democrats strangled. More news as it develops.

* BTW, Rumsfeld was on Fox and Friends this morning. Anyone catch it? Was he just like I envisioned?

* Democrat booster Larry Flynt plans to publish topless photos of Jessica Lynch. The guy has to wheel by a flight of stairs every so often, and just one little push... not that I'm suggesting anything!

* So, now you're wondering what's happening in monkey news. Well, Canada is going to infect some with SARS. What if the monkeys combine it, though, with their dreaded monkey pox? They'd have a supervirus fit for wiping out humanity! If Canada causes the planet of the apes, we are so going to beat those canucks up.

* Today is Veteran's day, and I want to say thanks to all the Veteran's out there and take time to remember those who've died fighting for this country, something especially relevant now. I also want to wish a happy birthday to my older brother, Joe foo' the Marine. Veterans, you kick ass.

Rating: 2.4/5 (13 votes cast)

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November 04, 2003
Bite-Sized Wisdom: Monkey Terrorists, That Graham Cracker, CNN, Just End It, and I'm Too Pissed Again to Be Funny
Posted by Frank J. at 08:31 AM

* When people see monkeys rampaging in India, they think of Frank.

Numerous alert readers have sent me a story about how monkeys have overrun New Delhi. India is a newly burgeoning democracy, but you can't be a prosperous nation and be overrun with monkeys. As proof, take a look at the good 'ole USA, the most prosperous nation there is and ever will be; are we overrun with monkeys? No. Quod Erat Demonstrandum.

Of course, it took work to clear out North America of its monkey menace. This was illustrated by the tall tales of Johnny Monkeykill who roamed the plains of America killing monkeys left and right. In reality, though, it was an opium-fueled posse that did the simicide, painting our pristine landscape with monkey blood.

Anyway, back to India, monkeys definitely our the main barrier separating the country from prosperity. In the monkeys' cold black hearts there is nothing but monkey evil and a desire to menace and destroy. Thus it was a good step that their Supreme Court declared that New Delhi must be monkey-free. This will anger Hanuman, the monkey god, though, who must also be eliminated. Now, I don't know a damn thing about killing gods, but, anytime I'm not sure how to kill something, such as a zombie or an alien, first thing I do is try my shotgun. Hardly anything can stand up to buckshot fired at close-range.

Good luck, India, and good hunt'n.

* My senator, Bob Graham, will not run for reelection. This is good because he is a Democrat and I don't like them. It's time for Florida to have a Republican senator to combat that other senator... uh... what's his name... Florida does have a second senator, right? Yeah, all states have two senators - even Wisconsin. Anyway, my point is I want my new senator to be a Republican unlike the other senator who I'm pretty sure is not.

* There are a number of abandoned websites out there. I'm serious! It's good we have CNN to tell us things like this.

* Here's another great CNN headline that's a real shocker.

* Tonight, the Democrat presidential candidates will get to debate before our youngest and dumbest voters. Does anyone care about the Democrat's primary anymore? Just end the farce and pick some doofus already. It was funny watching the Democrats implode for a while, but now it’s just getting sad.

* I hate Bill Clinton. It wasn't as much his political views (he was pretty much a moderate) as that he was just a complete scumbag, a disgrace to the office of the President. Still, despite my strong feelings against him, there were times I didn't see him as Bill Clinton, lecherous, bloated hillbilly, and instead saw him as the President of the f**king United States of America, and that's when he was attacked by other countries as a way of attacking America and when we had military operations going on. I can't remember Somalia too well, but I know with Bosnia conservatives like me only wished the best our troops and didn't see any tragedy (such as when some troops were captured) as a partisan political opportunity. Whatever disagreements with the leader, this was still our country and our people out there fighting.

But now there are people that, when hearing about a tragedy in Iraq, there first reaction is not horror but delight at an opportunity to attack the president. They cry crocodile tears for our soldiers (these are some of the same people who chase ROTC off of college campuses) so they can attack a president they hate for whatever wacky reasons they have. I pointed out one example, but we hear plenty of others coming from a significant minority. Now I don't brandy this word about lightly, but this has gone from political discourse to just being plain evil - a very mild but growing evil that show a real disconnect from one's fellow man.

There are our men and women fighting and dying out there. They are fighting for us and they are fighting for a people yearning to live free from tyranny. And I just can't understand how the phrase "We are losing a soldier a day," can be followed by anything other than, "so let's get those f**king bastards."

That wasn't funny, but I'm pissed and sometimes I need to vent. I'll be more funny tomorrow.

Rating: 2.6/5 (17 votes cast)

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October 28, 2003
Bite-Sized Wisdom: Me Busy, Me Insulted, Terrorists, Fight Club, and Screw You Guys
Posted by Frank J. at 08:27 AM

* I'm going to have to forgo doing anything other than my regular post each day (no Links of the Day™ and Frank Answers™) for now as I am really busy, both at work and with other activities at home such as working on my novel. Lars Walker, another author who has had Wolf Time, The Year of the Warrior, and the Blood and Judgment which comes out in December all published by Baen, has been nice enough to give me some more advice. Baen seems to be full of great authors who read IMAO.

* Look at this mindless hating of my rational hating of mindless Bush hatred. Everyone go over there and tell him he's a muckadoo. Yeah, that's right; you mess with me you get called some made up term.

* Demi-crats debated again over the weekend. I'd make a joke about it, but I don't even think the hardcore Demi-crats even care about these anymore.

* So the terrorists attacked the Red Cross on their own frick'n holy month. For those of you who are behind the curve, these people are evil. EEEEEEEvil. It would be morally wrong of us not do everything we can to splatter these bastards despite the whining of the hippies. Do you want to have to explain why the terrorists aren't dead to your children?

"Daddy, why aren't the bad people dead"

"Because of Demi-crats and Europeans."

* So, if a suicide bomber is rushing in on a truck, what would Jesus do? I think he'd jump on the hood while firing through the windshield with his .44 magnum.

* Sorry, that was "What would Dirty Harry do?". Jesus would probably have some solution where no one gets killed, but everyone has his or her own style.

* A bunch of liberals have made a Reagan movie and we're supposed to believe it's not a hatchet job? I wonder if when they do a Clinton movie are they going to whitewash everything or will the movie only be sold in adult video stores.

* Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are going to try and solve Middle East problems. That's almost as silly as sending Carter over to solve things. Anyway, so many people over there already seem to be inspired by the movie Fight Club.

* Bill Clinton claimed Tony Blair discussed his health problems with him years ago, but Mr. Blair's spokesman insisted that his irregular heartbeat had never happened before. What!? Bill Clinton said something that's not true? My whole world has gone topsy-turvy.

* An influential Lebanese politician says he wished Paul Wolfowitz had been killed in the Baghdad rocket attack. We should kill that bastard. Sure, there is freedom of speech... in America, but everyone else should watch his or her self. We treasure our Wolfowitzes in this country, and don't like them attacked.

* John Hawkins has a list of most influential books as picked by right-of-center bloggers. I've been more influenced by T.V., movies, and that know it all kid on the playground, so I only had four choices, three of which made the cut. Can you guess which ones?

Ayn Rand did well. I guess the people voting for her wouldn't have like that South Park episode about the Chicken-F**ker. Anyone know what I'm talking about? Anyone? Ah... screw you guys.

* BTW, if I do become a famous novelist, I will no longer talk to you little people. Sorry.

Rating: 1.8/5 (13 votes cast)

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October 23, 2003
Bite-Sized Wisdom: IMAO Attack by al Qaeda, Friends of American and Israel, Rumsfeld Mad, Everybody is Not Getting Killed, and Damn Moderates
Posted by Frank J. at 08:14 AM

* What's this about a DoS attack against Hosting Matters? The Puppy Blender has finally changed the false quote about me to one claiming he was attacked by al Qaeda. Hey, my site went down too; how do you know they were targeting me? And why did they have to attack my defenseless blog instead of directly attacking me at home where I have my shotgun and handguns like I've always dreamed of? Then again, I don't know what my deed restrictions say about having dead terrorists lying on the lawn.

* Hey, America is not the only friend of Israel; the Marshall Islands and Micronesia also voted against a U.N. condemnation of Israel making it a 144-4 vote. Sure there are only about 160,000 people between those two countries, but it's nice to know we're not alone in this world. We have friends out there… thought they're very small and hard to find on a map.

* Rumsfeld is reportedly furious about the leak of the memo he wrote. He's strangling and shooting everyone in sight. All he did was ask some tough questions, and now everyone is acting like he thinks the war is a failure. I mean, half the memo is just him discussing how he didn't like the drape choices in the war room.

* The partial-birth abortion ban has passed the Senate and Bush said he will sign it. I'm against this. If you can't suck the brains out of baby's head, what rights do we have left?

* And Jeb Bush stopped Terri Schiavo from starving to death. It's a whole "not killing people" epidemic now.

* There is now a Centrist Coalition blog. I hate moderates... much more than even liberals. I bet Satan is a moderate; the best way to get evil accepted is to package it with some good. That's what moderates do; they're always like, "Oh! I'm so special because I don't take a firm stance on issues, and I see value in everyone's viewpoints." I bet right now a moderate is reading this and partially agreeing with it. Damn you!

Rating: 2.7/5 (10 votes cast)

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October 14, 2003
Bite-Sized Wisdom: Monkey Controlled Robots, Official Announcements, Angering Gun Owners, Israel Showing Us Up, and Gore News Channel (Not Liberal)
Posted by Frank J. at 08:30 AM

* Some damn fool scientists have taught monkeys to control robots with their brains! Chamber a round in your shotgun and do it now!

I am not being alarmist.

The scientists are even talking about making it so that the monkeys can control the robots wirelessly. Soon, the monkeys will climb up into trees where we can't get them while they use their telepathic powers to control robots to murder and enslave us. We need to get these scientists a grant to study the flow of ketchup from a bottle in high altitude conditions... research much less likely to lead to the end of mankind.

* This "When you think monkeys, think Frank" thing has gone a little too far. Not only did I get a record number of e-mails about the previous story, but my dad called me last night to ask if I heard about it. I blame the monkeys! I hate them so!

* Wacky little Kucinich has made his presidential bid official. I know; whoop-dee-freak'n doo. What is this with like campaigning for a year and then officially announcing a bid? When I first heard this yesterday morning that Dennis Cuckoo had an announcement, I was like, "Oh no! He's dropping out and I need him for my In My World™ tomorrow!" but it ended up instead it was this non-announcement. No one cares. Shut up.

* I want to take this time to officially announce I have a blog named IMAO. Someone please send the press release to the major media... or at least Instapundit.

No, I'm kidding. Don't spam Glenn Reynolds.

Then again, it would be funny...

* I'm getting bored of this stupid Democrat presidential primary race. I want to know who to focus my angry, partisan energies on. "Kill! Kill!" the voices tell me.

* For yet another day, France goes unbombed, and baby Jesus cries.

* They say there is hardly a peep about gun control from the Democrats. I guess they're finally learning that it's not smart to tick off people who own guns and no how to use them.

* Then again, they plan to bring up the "assault weapon" ban next year which makes illegal any gun that is cool looking or has a cool name. Time to mobilize the Association of Angry Gun Owners (motto: "We're angry and we have guns.").

* The buzz is we've recently spotted Saddam. I hope we get him so we can be like, "Yeah, that's right; we got Saddam. In your face, space coyote!"

"What about the WMD's?"

"The what now?"

* The Chi-Coms aren't going to broadcast live their space flight? What are they hiding? Something's rotten in Denmark, and I say we shoot those Commies down. That might cause an international incident, but we're kinda used to those by now.

* So are we going to beat the crap out of Syria, or are we just going to let Israel do it?

* Israel is also going to bomb Iran. I didn't know there was a race to beat the crap out of terrorist states. We need to get back on the ball before Israel shows us up.

* Proper bicycle safety says, that, when crossing an intersection, first keep an eye out for a former Miss America.

* Also, on topic of Iraq... Ahh! Robo-monkey!

* No, it was just a chair. That whole story about monkeys controlling robots with their minds sure has me spooked. When do we get our mind controlled robots? Or will they only sell them to certified mad scientists?

* Islamic nations feel that their survival is threatened by the U.S. And some of you people thought those guys weren't rational. You nutty despots; of course we're threatening your survival. First Iraq, then Syria, then Iran, then Denmark, then the rest of you. And there is nothing you or Allah can do about it. Modernization is coming, either with you accepting democratic reforms or at the tip of a cruise missile, biatch.

* Al Gore is hoping is new news station will be able to avoid the label of "liberal" and attract a younger, hipper audience. I have a slogan for it too: "The Hindenburgh of News Stations".

* On a serious note, I want to express my sympathies for the families of the troops who have died in Iraq. Those people have not only made the ultimate sacrifice for the country, but also in defense of the Iraqi people. To those who would use their death as propaganda against what they fight for, I warn that a big ass whup'n is waiting for you, either in this life or the next.

Rating: 2.4/5 (13 votes cast)

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October 07, 2003
Bite-Sized Wisdom: Syria, Recall Election, Graham, Rice, Kay, and Commies in Space
Posted by Frank J. at 08:18 AM

* Did you see the Israeli ambassador respond to the Syrian one at the U.N.? Damn, he looked pissed. Would have been cool if, when asked to respond to Syria, the Israeli ambassador just pulled out his gun and shot the Syrian. Sure it would have caused controversy, but I'm getting so damn tired of diplomacy. Gunshots speak louder than words. Hell, they ring your ears.

* When Israel attacked Syria, we should have followed up. It would be just like that scene in Predator when a guy sees the predator and starts firing and, though no one else knows what he's firing at, they fire in the same direction. We should be like that because Israel is our ally, or, in the least, because we like shooting stuff.

* "If it bleeds, you can kill it." My second favorite Arnold line. I hope Arnold wins today because:
A. I like it when Republicans win.
B. It will be entertaining to have Arnold as governor of the largest state in America.
C. I live far away from California, so it doesn't affect me in the least.

* Indian tribes seem to be giving huge support to the Bustamante campaign, sending out direct mail and paying for ads. I know what this is all about! The Indians and MEChA plan to join together and take back the land we stole fair and square! And I don't really care because, again, it's California and I don't live there.

* That stupid Graham cracker finally quit the presidential race. Unlike Sharpton, he was actually deluded into thinking he could win. I hope we can now replace him as senator here in Florida because I want a Republican senator.

My other senator is also a Democrat, right? What the hell's his name? Ah, who cares.

* Condoleezza Rice is now taking command of stabilization in Iraq and Afghanistan and... hell, I'll save any joke about this for an In My World™ tomorrow.

* You heard about that guy in New York who kept a tiger in his apartment? I have a baboon locked in my guestroom. How long is it going to take that damn thing to starve?

* So what's up with the Kay report? Did we find evidence of WMD's or not. I keep hearing opposite thing on that and I'm too bored to do any follow up.

* Pentagon sold items that could be used to make bio weapons to the public. Don't they know there are supervillians out there just waiting for such an opportunity?

* China is still working on making a space program. What is it with Commies and going to space? No one in Europe is trying. I hope we have plans to shoot down any of China's space capsules, because they have to be up to something evil and must be stopped. Space is ours!

* Two Americans and a Russian won the Nobel Prize in Physics for their work on quantum physics. I forgot if I’ve mentioned it before, but I don’t like quantum physics. Classical physics describes everything just fine, while quantum physics is weird and wacky. I don’t care if it’s true; I just done like it.

* I’m soon going to be finishing the final draft of the novel I’ve been working on, and I may post the query letter I’m going to send to agents so you people can give me critiques. And they better be good critiques, too, because, if you readers don’t make yourselves useful, I swear I’ll find new ones.

Rating: 2.6/5 (9 votes cast)

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September 30, 2003
Bite-Sized Wisdom: Gen. Clark, Recall Rules, Monkeys, Political Heroes, and an Iraqi Consitution
Posted by Frank J. at 08:10 AM

* I don't know about this Wesley Clark and how he was all Republican crazy just like eight minutes before he decided to run for the Democrat nomination. In a way, he's like Arianna Huffington if she were a man and a general and had white hair and didn't talk funny and actually had a chance of being elected and... well, you know what I mean.

* From the polls, which are always accurate, it looks like Arnold has a lock on the governorship. Little known fact is that when a governor is recalled in California, the replacement governor needs to pick up the old one in the air and then snap him in two while shouting, "Dah!". That's why few are as qualified as a recall candidate as Arnold.

* A gorilla escaped in Boston and injured two people. It took police a while to take action because at first they just though it was Ted Kennedy having a night on the town. When will people learn that monkeys and people can't live side by side? As soon as we turn our backs on them for a second, they'll rampage like Kennedys.

* In more monkey news, scientists say that orangutans could go extinct in 20 years because of habitat destruction by illegal loggers. And you were against illegal loggers.

* And don't someone e-mail me to tell me apes aren't monkeys. They're all monkeys to me. Monkey monkey monkey!

* What's this about a CIA leak from the Whitehouse. I've been busy being sick so I haven't paid attention. So, are like the Democrats suddenly concerned with national security all of sudden. How odd.

* I still can't believe people are actually thinking of electing a Democrat to the presidency. Do you really think a Democrat could handle things if we got attacked by terrorists again or if ninjas ambushed us? No, they'd just cry and hide under table as say, "Please, Republicans, save us; you're big an tough!" And maybe we'll be like, "Screw you guys; you're on your own. Should have stocked up on guns like me."

* When interviewed by Hannity, Arnold said his political inspiration was Ronald Reagan. Can a Republican candidate be viable if he answers in any other way?

* When interviewed, Bustamante identified his political inspiration as “Mayor McCheese”.

* Okay, Bustamante isn’t really fat enough to pull that joke off. So sue me.

* I hear all this argument about getting the Iraqis a constitution. Why not just photocopy ours and replace the word "people" with "Iraqis"?

* What?

Rating: 2.2/5 (13 votes cast)

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September 16, 2003
Bite-Sized Wisdom: Recall Delay, Patriot Act Hysteria, Amanpour, the Wedding, and What I'm Up To
Posted by Frank J. at 09:23 AM

* I was like, "Oh no; the recall is delayed." Then I realized it was the 9th who made the decision, the most overturned court in the nation, so I knew this was just another temper tantrum of theirs to get attention. Let's just ignore them until the Supreme Court has a look-see.

* And why is everyone down on punch card ballots because they're more prone to voter error? Voter error is just God's way of making sure that people too dumb to follow simple instructions are not the ones deciding the future of our nation.

* It's certainly not a hobby of mine to defend Howard Dean (then again, I still think his winning the primary will help Bush in the general), but why is there a controversy that a humorous line he used in his debate was actually coached. Haven't people anticipated question and come up with great responses since the word debate was first coined?

* People seem to be freaking out about the Patriot Act like all 'ell, but I still can't get enough interest to even read much about it. I guess I've just gotten used to when there is this much smoke in politics, there probably ain't no fire.

* Christiane Amanpour said her reporting on Iraq was affected by intimidation by the White House and Fox News. Fox News responded by saying that if she doesn't shut up, they'll beat the crap out of her while the White House subtly hinted that she could be disappeared.

* To try and appeal to women voters, Schwar... Arnold went on the Oprah Winfrey show. That's the problem with women voters: I will never respect them when their impressed by people talking to Oprah instead of, like us men, being impressed by whoever vows to "kill the bastards".

* As you all know, I had radio silence a good portion of last week since I was attending the wedding of my brother, Joe foo' the Marine, to the lovely Denise. I ended up catching the garter belt though I didn't want too - none of us did. I used my brother privilege to stand in the front thinking it would sail overhead, but my brother can't throw a garter for s--t and it landed right at my feet. I then, in the word of his Marine buddies, "jumped on the grenade". Since I still had the tux on, I was thinking of walking into a bar and using it in some sort of pick up line.

* I love gift registries. Makes buying gifts less of a mind-racking headache. Denise's brother, though, who surprised everyone by getting back from Iraq on the day of the wedding, had a great gift. He had with him in the Middle East a picture of Joe and Denise from a Marine ball, and he paid an Iraqi to paint it into a portrait of the two. I hope I can show you all a picture of it (plus a picture of me in my tux for the ladies).

* There is nothing better than drinking free beer while smoking stogies with a bunch of Marines and an old friend of Joe and mine we hadn't seen in years (who was the only other one in a tux instead of dress blues) and then finishing it off with a round of Irish car bombs.

* My main worry the whole time I was there was my toast, because I, being Joe's brother and best man, wanted to make it special. I had a long one planned out, but at the last minute decided to abridge it. I think it went over well. One girl said it made her cry (but she was a bit tipsy). One guy asked afterwards if I ever thought of going into politics, but I said no (it seems more like something likely for my brother). I love being frank (no pun intended... okay, yes it was), and, in politics you can't always speak your mind. I just couldn't be that way. I even remember back in eighth grade when we were going to have a debate on abortion, and I ended up the only one against since everyone else was too intimidated by the number of people on the pro side. My arguments were piss-poor, but, hell, I stood up for what I believe in and I vow to always do. Actually, I tend to avoid mentioning abortion on this site since it's an issue I know a lot of my readers will disagree on... but the point still stands.

* Speaking of politics, why do I only hear good stories about Iraq when I talk to troops who had actually been there. My brother's friend, a Marine lieutenant, was at the wedding and he kept saying how the Iraqis were the nicest people and loved the Americans being there. At martial arts yesterday, one of the students had just gotten back from Iraq. He's an older guy who works where I work and I know must make some good money. Plus, he has a wife and two children he had to leave behind. Still, after being there and seeing all the people he helped, his only conclusion is that going to Iraq was the right thing to do. He talked about the schools he helped rebuild, teaching Iraqis kids how to use swing sets and teeter-totters (they never having seen them before) and how life had already improved for so many Iraqis in so many ways. This stuff really interests people, so how come I never hear it any other place than first hand or on blogs with letters from servicemen? WMD's or not, there are over 24 million lives on the line, and we are doing some good, goddammit. To all those who thought we should have left the Iraqis in the misery of Saddam's regime, I think we should ship those dumb f--ks to Iraq and let the people there do with them as they may as sort of a way to relieve the stress of the former horror. The Democrats, at least those wanting to be president, are trying to say how bad things are because they needs things to be bad... and well, that's disgusting to the highest degree. I could go on more, but I like to limit my swearing.

* To calm down, I just want to mention the creative projects I'm now working on or plan to get started. I have my novel I finished, and I'm going over the second draft with my Silly Sister Sarah before I write up a third draft. I also have a screenplay mostly written that I need to finish. Also, I want to try and find an agent for the humor stuff I've written here on this site, and I have finally come up with an idea for a long subject (novel length) humor piece that will be somewhat like my In My World™ posts and focus on Buck the Marine. Also, I have a currently hush hush Flash animation project I want to get working on. Also, I have an idea for a new holster design and borrowed a specific handgun from my dad so I can work on it. I have a lot of other things going on than these crative projects, so I expect to make myself very busy, but I'll try to keep up my regular blogging because, well, I like to.

* Sorry to not be so funny today. Anyway, I would just like to once again give best wishes to my brother Joe foo' the Marine and my new sister, Denise.

Rating: 2.6/5 (6 votes cast)

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September 02, 2003
Bite-Sized Wisdom: "Por lector del IMAO todo. Fuera de IMAO nada."
Posted by Frank J. at 09:00 AM

* Man, I don't have like anything to say. Everyone have fun Labor Day weekend? I don't like it that holiday because it's an evil union one. Well, I never complain about a paid holiday, but I'd rather celebrate something else. Wait a second; does anyone actually celebrate Labor Day? Do we have any labor parades or anything? We should just call it "Day-Off Day".

* Actually, they arrested Jesse Jackson on Labor Day. We could make an annual thing of that. We'd just arrest him for no reason, and he'd be like, "This is the worst injustice since Dredd Scott!" but he says that about everything, so no one would listen. Someone should tell him the story about the boy who cried wolf.

* My version of that story has kung fu fighting.

* What's it with terrorists and explosions? Why can't we settle this man-to-man; fist-to-fist. Because they're a bunch of cowards, and they know Allah actually hates them because they're smelly and stupid. Yeah, that's right. You want to prove me wrong, meet me for a hand-to-hand fight to death at the abandoned warehouse by the docks (heh heh; when they go in there, I'll blow it up!).

* An asteroid could hit us in 2014. I hope we have the technology to nudge it and make sure it just hits France.

* Maybe one of those asteroids has oil. Our luck, though, it would probably also be covered in Islamic extremists.

* Oh yeah, you need dead things to have oil. Can't we just kill lots of animals and turn them into oil ourselves? We're much smarter than nature.

* Arnold Schwarzenegger says he'll do a debate. It would be cool if he says, "Here is my rebuttal... my re-headbuttal!” and then head butts Cruz Bustamante. Then he could pick up Gray Davis and throw him against a wall. That would be the coolest debate since the time Reagan cold-cocked Jimmy Carter!

* I was only one year old during the Reagan-Carter debates and was quite distracted by a rattle, so my recollection of them may be a bit sketchy.

* Did you hear that Cruz Bustamante is a member of some group called Robo or something? It's motto is "For the race, everything. For those outside the race, nothing." Why don't they just make their motto, "We're a bunch of racist numb-nuts.”?

* Maybe instead they could have their motto be, "For the race, everything. For those outside the race, free scoops of ice cream." Then, instead of people being threatened, they'd be like, "Yay! Free ice cream!"

* Actually, I thought "Hispanic" was an ethnicity, not a race. Bustamante should clarify whether he hates other races or other ethnicities.

* Hey, I just read here that they serve nachos and Dos Equis at their meetings. Now I want to join! Bronze power!

* Even more disturbingly, I hear that Gray Davis is part of a secret ninja organization called Cyber which motto is, "For the ninja, everything. For those outside the ninja clan, beheadings."

* Also, Arianna Huffington is part of an organization called Droid which motto is, "For the air-headed socialite, everything. For those..." Know what? I think I've milked this dry.

* I've never been called a racial slur. I've always wanted to be called one, though. The only one I know is "Cracker". Where does that come from? Do white people like crackers? I like Ritz with peanut butter on them.

* Once, at college, I was watching Enter the Dragon with a group of friends. When the white guy was introduced in the story, everyone in the room started making fun of him. Then I realized I was the only white guy in the room, so I said, "The white guy ain't so bad." It would have made a great anecdote if one of my friends responded, "Shut up, you dumb cracker!" but, right now, it's only a so-so anecdote. It does involve kung fu, though.

* Actually, “cracker” is now being used to distinguish a malicious hacker from a noble one. Hacker used to be a word of esteem (among nerds and geeks, that is) before it became synonymous with breaking into computers. "I am a hacker," some would say, "and the computer doth obey me. Fear me and my power and pray that I use it for good."

* Okay, no one ever said that; I'm most likely the first person in the history of time to have come up with that sentence.

* Not much else to talk about other than Iraq. We keep hearing about our troops getting killed and then everyone who never liked the military in the first place is griping about it. At least Bush has said firmly that backing down is not an option, and I think we need that repeated. If the terrorists understand that the only thing that will stop us is them being dead, they might think twice about attacking us in the first place. And that's all I have to say about that.

Rating: 2.4/5 (7 votes cast)

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August 26, 2003
Bite-Sized Wisdom: Religion, Standing Strong in Iraq, Al Fraken, Hypocrisy, the Frank Gun Control Challenge, Bill Clinton, Michael Moore, and How to Keep My Money
Posted by Frank J. at 09:01 AM

* Dude, they're like trying to take the 10 Commandments away. I know for a fact the founding fathers never meant religion to be the least protected speech, but that's what we keep acting like. People keep saying they don’t want other to be unduly influenced, but, come on, we all know Christianity is the true religion. I mean, would Jesus lie? We're going to make God angry with our behavior, and then we won't win all the time and he'll plague us with locusts and hippies.

* More trying to make God angry: they have a high school classes in Michigan that has kids reading anti-American tripe by people like that moral-gnome Chomsky. That's child abuse. Send those teachers to jail and then have the kids write essays on why America has the right to attack any country they damn well feel like.

* We keep hearing bad news from Iraq, and I hope we can turn things around there soon. Some people just want us to turn tail and run, but there is no way we're doing that again. We have to let terrorists and other mentally challenged people know that you if you piss us off, we won't rest until you are dead. Nemo Me Impune Lacessit! (that's Latin for "If you mess with me, I'll f--k you up.")

* And when are we finally going to attack Saudi Arabia? I'm tired of seeing those rat bastards walking around in sheets all unshot and everything. We have like a surprise attack planned, right? It's a lot of princes to kill, but, man, there is so much oil to steal. I hope we have enough equipment. Yeah, that's right, we take our oil, leave, and let Israel clean up the rest.

* Fox News dropped their lawsuit against Al Fraken. My legal opinion about this is that I hate Al Fraken. I wish someone would punch him. Is there a legal precedent for that?

* You hear about this? They're trying to do wind power in Cape Cod, but all the liberals like Ted Kennedy are opposed to it because it messes up their view. Wind power is like a wet dream for environmentalists, but I guess they only think poor people should have to deal with eyesores. Don't get me wrong - I still think wind power is gay - I just like pointing out the hypocrisy. Liberals are so full of it. You don't how many anti-gun-nuts out there actually own guns, have conceal carry permits, or have armed body guards. So they get protection, but no one else. Liberals just hate poor people and don't trust them; that's the only explanation for their behavior.

* That reminds me of what I call the Frank Gun Control Challenge™. I'm tired of dealing with the convoluted logic of anti-gun nuts, so I have this simple challenge to prove the fallacy of their arguments. In the challenge, they stand on one side and let loose their best arguments, while, I stand opposite of them and shoot at them with my .45. If any of their anti-gun tripe can stop my bullet, they win. Otherwise I win. Some may now say, "Hey! That doesn't prove anything!" To which I respond, "I still have more bullets in this gun." Many will continue to think (but no longer voice) that nothing was proven, but some may now say, "Ah ha!" and achieve enlightenment.

* While most of Hollywood are leftists, pretty much every time you see a celebrity run for office he or she is a Republican. Why? Because running for political office means getting challenged on your views, and Hollywood leftists are nigh retarded. Wouldn't you love to see Barbara Streisand get eviscerated in a political debate? Not gonna happen.

* Bill Clinton is going to give Gray Davis the kiss of death while Giuliani is going to campaign for Schwarzenegger - and Giuliani actually got Bloomberg elected. Things are looking up for Ah-nuld.

* Who wants to bet that Bill Clinton will one day be found dead in a cheap motel room by a prostitue, OD's on some designer drug. I just don't see him going out any other way.

* File this under "If I had more time" department: I think it would be cool to find a big pile of manure, put a baseball cap on top, take a picture of me standing next to it, and then post the picture on my webpage saying, "Hey, look! I met Michael Moore!" Only problem is that I don't know where to find a big pile of manure and I don't own any baseball caps. Oh well.

* I think I got a lead on the monkey that stole my stereo. Ends up he's been going town to town doing that. I also think he may be the chimp that shot me. I feel like such a fool for not recognizing him, but I'll hunt him down; this I swear.

* Speaking of monkeys, I don't like Democrats. They want to raise my taxes; I just know it. They're probably plotting about it right now. I saw this documentary about how a coyote will try to catch it's prey, and one method is to paint a tunnel onto a rock wall. We should do that and put of a sign pointing to the phony tunnel saying, "Angry, Dumb People This Way." Then the Democrats will be like, "Wow! Those people should vote for us!" So they'll drive their campaign buses right into the wall and my money will be saved from their thieving hands.

* I could also pray to God to smite the Democrats, but He hasn't been listening to me since I read that article on Buddhism. Hey, I was just curious, yo. And the guy with the fat belly makes me laugh.

Rating: 2.9/5 (15 votes cast)

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August 19, 2003
Bite-Sized Wisdom: Ineffective Republicans, Sword Play, Specism, and Baseball
Posted by Frank J. at 10:57 AM

* I don't know about this whole Arnold thing now. I'm starting to get worried that's he going to be a Bloomberg liberal Republican instead of Giuliani liberal Republican. Though it's nice to have someone in office with an (R) next to his or her name, if the choice is between an ineffective Republican governor or mayor vs. and ineffective Democrat, I'd rather have the Democrat. No reason to sully the good name of Republicans for a short-term gain. If Arnold screws things up, I'll kick his ass. Yeah, that right!

* My sister is in California, but I don't remember hearing what she thinks about this recall thing. She told me in the last election she voted for Nader, but that was just to tweak me (she voted for Bush). Aww, my little sister involved in democracy.

* Then again, I never got this whole "women voting" thing. If it wasn't for women, Dole actually would have beat Clinton in '96. Then again, I hear woman are now just as concerned as men about issues of national defense, which is good. Still, you shape up, women; we gave you the vote, and we can take it away!

* IMAO would like to apologize to all its female readers for that last statement, which does not reflect the opinion of IMAO or its subsidiaries (of which there are none).

* I ended up getting that Zatoichi sword. I didn't play with it much yesterday since I wasn't feeling well, but I found out that if you're practicing throwing something in the air and cutting it in two, an orange is too messy... especially in the living room (I had to clean orange juice off the miniblinds). I think I'll stick to apples. BTW, if there is a slowdown in blogging, it's probably from a loss of fingers.

* Am I alone in not particularly liking the French?

* To all military readers of this site: get off your damn asses and kill some terrorists. What are you doing surfing the net when there are still people out there in need of killing! Hey, my tax dollars pay your measly salary, so get to it!

* If I become a successful author and makes lots of money with the book I wrote, screw you guys; I'll only write if I get paid for it from now on. Sorry.

* When do we find out who the Democrat candidate for president is? I can't wait for that race to kick into high gear; it should be funny. Wouldn't it be cool if Kucinich surprises everyone and breaks into the lead? He's the only one brave enough to take on mind-controlling space lasers (and tin-foil hats won't save you from those).

* I hear there is controversy about Mel Gibson's movie The Passion which is about the final hours of Jesus Christ. Some people think it will cause anti-semitic violence. How would that work? "Wow, that movie was such a touching statement of Jesus belief in love, peace, and sacrifice... NOW LET'S GO BEAT US UP SOME JEWS!!!"

* Just for the record, I don't actually hate monkeys. If I did, that would be specist. You can't just hate a whole species; you have to judge each one individually. Like, you may say you hate all mosquitoes, but what if one you saw wasn't trying to such your blood but was instead just admiring your wallpaper? Then you'd be a jerk to swat it.

* There is a particular monkey I hate, though. See, one day I heard a knock at the door and there was this monkey. So I said, "Are you lost from the zoo, Mr. Monkey?" and he said, "Ooh! Ooh!" (or maybe it was, "Ee! Ee!"; it was a while ago). So I let him in, asked if he wanted some coffee, and, after he nodded yes, I went to get him some. Soon as I turned around, though, I saw him going out the window with my stereo and yelled, "Hey, come back with my stereo, you damn dirty ape!" That was said in the heat of the moment, but still, that doesn't excuse how specist that was of me. Anyway, I hate that monkey! If I find him, I'm going to hit him with a bat!

* So what's the best way to carry a bat so it looks like you’re on your way to baseball practice and not like your just ready to cause trouble? Is there a certain way you can hold it in hand, or do you need a sheath to keep it in. Or does the sheath make you look too prepared?

* I really think that baseball is the American pastime, because it symbolizes the values of America. You have to work as a team to succeed, but everyone also gets their time in the spotlight when they're at bat. Baseball is also hella boring, but I'm not sure how to work that into the metaphor.

* Wouldn't it be funny to teach some monkeys to play baseball? Probably be easier to have it be tee-ball. That would be funny to watch, unless one bit me, which he almost certainly would. And then I don't like the idea of them having bats in their hand. They'd probably take me down with the biting, and then hit me with the bats. I'd be defenseless!

* I hate monkeys.

Rating: 2.8/5 (14 votes cast)

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August 12, 2003
Bite-Sized Wisdom: Schwarzenegger (sp?), Punches and Headbutts, and People Don't Kill People; My New Gun Design Will
Posted by Frank J. at 08:47 AM

When I was a kid, we never heard of ADD. Anyway, my mind tends to jump from subject to subject at a pretty quick pace, and I've decided to go with it and comment on whatever pops into mind.

* I'm actually a bit conflicted about this California recall election. I do want a Republican Governor, but the whole recall concept seems wrong when they just reelected Gray Davis not that long ago. Hey, jackasses, you're stuck with him! Then again, I guess it's easy for me to be principled when I don't have to live in California. And, I am an uber-partisan, so I probably would end up helping in any skullduggery to get more people with R's next to their name in office. Well, I'm just glad Arnold entering the race has knocked the Kobe Bryant thing out of the news. I didn't give a rats ass about that; it didn't involve Republicans or Democrats or Iraq or anything.

* A bunch of people sent me this article, and no, I did not kill all the rhesus monkeys. And, if I did, where is your proof?

* You hear about problems in Liberia and then problems in the Congo and then they’re always asking on T.V. for money to help feed all the starving people in Africa. Have you ever heard of people say, "Wow, what that place in Africa is a great place to live!" No, you haven't. Africa is just a bad; everyone should just get out. Leave it all to the monkeys and lions.

* I forget if I have said it on my webpage, but Dennis Kucinich is a total nut. I wish he was doing better in the polls.

* My prediction for the election is that Howard Dean will be the Democrat candidate and then, before the election, the economy will improve and WMD's will be discovered. Bush wins the election 535 to 3, the 3 electoral voted being D.C.'s. They elect crack mayors, so there is no way a Republican could win in D.C. Whose bright idea was it to give them electoral votes in the first place?

* I like Fox News, but please drop the phrase "homicide bombings". It's just too idiotic. Why don't you just call them what they are: "Islamic scum jackass bombings where at least the piece of s--t terrorist died too". Not as succinct, but they can make it work.

* U.S. troops getting killing in Iraq really pisses me off, and I hope they can hunt down the bastards and fill them with holes. What I also hate is how all the peaceniks who were for Saddam still terrorizing his people are now acting like they care about American troops so they can condemn Bush. I think we should all be more on the ball about kicking them in the nuts.

* Arnold Schwarzenegger seems to be making the education of children a central part of his campaign. He then should get T.V. stations to rerun his move Kindergarten Cop. It has my all-time favorite Arnold line of, "It's naught a too-mah!" He could use a variation of that as a campaign line. "Gray Davis is a too-mah!"

* We should have a Punch a Democrat Day. Less people will be Democrats if they find out it means they will get punched.

* The Unabomber wants the government to give him his bombs and books back. Alright. (lights fuse) "Here's your bomb back."

* There is a worm spreading on the internet that will target a Microsoft website. Microsoft is releasing a patch to prevent it, but, hey, what's in it for us?

* I found out they sell a Paul Chen Zatoichi sword on Ebay. I think I should get one and practice my blind swordsmanship. That way if I get older and lose my eyesight, I can still kill bad people.

* I've decided to refuse to look up whether I'm spelling Schwarzenegger right. If I'm not, I'm sure you know whom I mean.

* If Arnold ever has to debate someone, I think in the middle he should headbutt the guy. Usually before the debate, advisors try to think of everything the opponent might say and then come up with a response. I don't think they'll expect the headbutt, though.

* I'm pretty sure I can always be happy in life as long as I enjoy eating at Taco Bell and drinking a Budweiser.

* According to Fox News, Fox News is suing Al Franken. Whatever happened to the good 'ole days of just roughing someone up a bit?

* I only drink my coffee black; how unusual is that? I don't understand the concept of putting sugar and cream in coffee; I want a cup of joe, not a damn milkshake.

* Living alone, it makes me sleep safer at night knowing I have my .45 at my bedside. It's like a security blanket, but much easier to kill someone with. I also just got a security system installed. I'm still considering of whether to put out the ADT signs or just let it be a surprise to a burglar. Anyway, I now feel much better about leaving my guns all home alone. It's not like a gun can defend itself... or maybe I could design one that knows to shoot an intruder. Hmm... is there anyway that could go horribly wrong? Nope, can't think of anyway. I'm going to get working on the design.

Rating: 3.0/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (23)
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