Sorry, Losercrats, we didn't. That was just a handy catchphrase to pummel him with. A convenient comedic device that we're willing to defenestrate now that we can't use it without looking like douchebags.

Here's the truth.

"This bear? He looked at me funny."

What really matters to Conservatives about their candidates is their ability to make decisions under pressure, their ability to stand by those decisions, and their willingness to accept the consequences - however bad they may be - and also accept the responsibility of making new decisions to address those consequences, as necessary.

I don't know a lot about McCain's political career, but I *do* know that he was a Naval officer. Having served under my share of them (U.S. Navy, 85 to 91, USS Enterprise 87 to 91), I know that McCain's been trained in accountability.

While I don't know a lot about Palin, it seems she's done a good job staring down the forces of corruption in Alaskan gubernatorial politics. She's made hard calls and stood by them while facing down angry men.

The essence of a good Commander-in-Chief is that he can look some ass**** right in the eye, tell him to go f*** himself, and not blink while doing so, if that's what he honestly believes - to the best of his knowledge - is the right thing to do in order to further the goals of America's interests, whether domestically or overseas.

I don't think Obama has the stones to do that.

I KNOW McCain has them.

And I suspect that - while not technically stones - Palin's titanium ovaries are equally qualified.

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Because (from a recent MorOn.Org email) it makes Democrats say things like this:

I think she's far too inexperienced to be in this position. I'm all for a woman in the White House, but not one who hasn't done anything to deserve it. There are far many other women who have worked their way up and have much more experience that would have been better choices. This is a patronizing decision on John McCain's part- and insulting to females everywhere that he would assume he'll get our vote by putting "A Woman" in that position.—Jennifer M., Anchorage, AK

Let's do some subtle re-writing so that you can see why this makes me giggle so:

I think he's far too inexperienced to be in this position. I'm all for an African-American in the White House, but not one who hasn't done anything to deserve it. There are far many other African-Americans who have worked their way up and have much more experience that would have been better choices. This is a patronizing decision on the Democratic Party's part - and insulting to African-Americans everywhere that they would assume they'll get our vote by putting "An African-American" in that position.

Look for Jennifer's PKB (pot - kettle - black) argument in various forms everywhere.

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Rating: 4.7/5 (79 votes cast)

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As Laurie mentioned to me in a recent e-mail, although we've been wishing for this:

At least we got this:

Either way, it means she'll be serving 2 to 4 in obscurity, and she'll be out of our hair for a while.

Later, PIAPS.

Meanwhile, in IMAO programming news, there'll be a new WEsistance Challenge up on Tuesday to welcome you back from the holiday weekend, and I'll be pushing the lolterizt! post to Wednesday.

Now go celebrate Labor Day by not doing any.

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Yeah, picking Biden was 2008's equivalent of the Dean Scream, Dukakis in a tank, and Kerry in a bunny suit all rolled into one, but there are... more disturbing scenarios...

And let's be honest... this one's still on the table until Thursday.

[via Grouchy Old Cripple, at the insistence of Jimmy]

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After going broke giving away Obama buttons, MoveOn.org is now giving away Obama/Biden stickers.

I'm putting mine on that bag of used cat litter I put out by the curb on Mondays.

What are you going to do with yours?

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I watched the new McCain ad where he compares Obama to airhead celebimbos Paris Hilton & Britney Spears.

It's not the GREATEST thing on the web, but he should get some credit for his newfound mastery of modern technology, since it's in color AND a talkie.

Anyway, while watching this, it occurred to me that the secret of undeserved popularity appears to be having a catchphrase.

Britney's got "Oops, I did it again."

Paris has "That's hot."

Obama's latched on to "Yes we can" (or "Vero Possumus" when he's trying to lock in the Ancient Roman vote).

What's McCain got?

Nothing.

If he's going to save this country from the Tofu Brownie he's going to need something snappy & memorable, and thus I attempt to do my part:

"I'll grind yer bones to make me bread!"

* Bomb it 'til it stops twitching!

* Older than you, and smarter, too.

* You call that torture?

* I did your blue-haired granny.

* I'm the Maverick, he's the gelding.

* I eat terrorists and crap freedom.

* Get offa my lawn!

* I married rich, he married bitch.

* Have another cigarette, raghead.

* I'll negotiate unconditionally after they've surrendered the same way.

* I'd drill that.

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Rating: 4.5/5 (89 votes cast)

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Let's be honest. The REAL reason Barry ditched his fake presidential seal was that his Latin slogan "Vero Possumus" was interpreted by most people to mean something like "I [heart] possums". Which is all well & good for capturing the Granny Clampett vote, but lacks overall appeal for the general election.

But personally, I say he should keep the faux seal and just change up the motto - my suggestions for which I offer below.

NOTE TO LATIN SCHOLARS:I know many of these are either ungrammatical or even just flat wrong. I had to resort to a crappy online Latin translator as a baseline for these, and I tweaked some of the results to make them sound better. So if you'll forgo the flames in the comments, I'll make it up to you by writing "Romani Ite Domum" 100 times. Hail Caeser!

"Tributum Consumptus Repetitas"

* Sub Currus Vobis - Under The Bus With You

* Genus Tabellae Victoria - Race Card Triumphant

* Purus Articulatus Arrogantis Potius- Clean, articulate, arrogant, elitist.

* Iste Infantia Patris - Your Baby Daddy

* Non Terebratus Via Forus Hoc - Can't drill your way out of this

* E LVII Unum - Out of 57, one.

* Quies Albi - Don't criticize me, Whitey!

* Praeterquam Senex - At least I'm not old.

* Vostrum Novus Birotae - Barack Obama is your new bicycle.

* Semper Volo Ad Pactus - Always willing to negotiate.

* Cruor Tyrannis Dolor Mortis Atrocitas Miseria - Beloved man of the people.

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Via American Digest, the Do-It-Yourself Obama Poster Maker:

NOTE: 20 character limit on caption.

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[inspired by an anonymous commenter #11 on this post]

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Barack hired himself some nerds ("A crack team of cybernauts") to help him squelch internet rumors. Their job is to "respond immediately to any inaccurate information about him".

I'd hate to see these guys go back to coding web pages in exchange for Red Bull & Doritos, so here are some rumors for them to squelch:

Secret love child?

Obama sometimes posts at IMAO as "Aquaman".

Obama is NOT a Muslim - he is a member of the Thuggee cult, a worshipper of Kali (Hindu goddess of death and destruction), and a devoted follower of Mola Ram. He once tried to rip the beating heart out of an American archaeologist. Obama recently left the cult and denounced Mola Ram - some say for purely political reasons.

A WHOIS search shows that Obama owns www.hotnaughtygrannies.com

Obama has six fingers on his right hand and is being stalked by a Spaniard.

Barack IS the spoon.

Nostradamus predicted "the dark man of hope and change will rule the New World for 1000 days before the Mad Persian burns his land with the fire of the sun. Serious negotiations to follow."

Obama never tips white cab drivers.

Closet cigarette smoker. Inhales frequently.

Thinks about sex to prolong his ability to play baseball.

Last Father's Day, told his daughters that the tie they gave him was "ugly and stupid. Just like you two!".

Owns all six seasons of "Sex and the City" on DVD. Dressed as "Samantha" for the movie premier.

Led the crusade to get Firefly canceled.

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Rating: 4.2/5 (69 votes cast)

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Well, Rev. Right over at America is an Obamanation has HIS theory of why Michelle Obama hates Whitey, and a it's fairly plausible one, but it's not the only theory out there. Let's explore some alternative explanations:

Thinks competitive sports damage children's self-esteem:

Once dated a mechanic who loved his car more than her:

Doesn't trust fast-talking men:

Musophobic:

All cookbooks are useless to her unless every recipe starts with "take the batteries out of the smoke alarm":

Reminds her of the Clintons:

Once when Barack was angry, he stuffed her in a tire and rolled her down a hill:

Who DOESN'T hate the Yankees?:

A mall without a shoe store? Blasphemy!:

Why don't they just call it the "Happy Klan Hat"?:

Causes problems even an overdose of Beano can't prevent:

Just sick of being kept down by The Man:

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Rating: 4.2/5 (76 votes cast)

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At HuffPo, Robert Creamer lists "10" key steps for Obama, but it all boils down to one:

LIE

Face it. If Obama told the truth about his platform, he'd get blown out like Mondale in '84. "I want to raise taxes, regulate our economy into stagnation, and talk to terrorists until they blow us up, after which I would talk to them even more."

No, he's gotta put some bright-red, candy-flavored lipstick on the pig of his platform and hope folks'll believe it's Miss America.

Here's the honest, straightforward, no-spin, no-BS version of Robert Creamer's HuffPo piece:

"These aren't the droids you're looking for."

1). Target States -- Spread the Field.
Lie to the people of the Midwest about sharing their values. Hopefully they've forgotten about that "bitter, clingy, racist, religious-zealot, gun-nut" comment.

2). Pour unlimited resources into Ohio.
Lie to the people of Ohio so much that Republicans will be FORCED to match your ad spending to point out what a liar you are.

3). Obama should not even think about opting into the system of public financing for the general election.
After you get elected, lie about how imperative campaign finance reform is, despite the fact that you couldn't have gotten elected with such a system in place.

4). We must devote a mix of resources to persuasion and to mobilization that is appropriate to each state.
Lie to racist blacks, the ignorant young, and frustrated Republicans contemplating the "nuclear option" of voting in Carter 2.0 in 2008 in the hopes of getting a Reagan 2.0 in 2012.

5). Nationally, the campaign must create a mass movement.
Lie to a LOT of people.

6). Democrats must convince skeptical swing voters that Obama is safely on their side.
Lie a LOT to a lot of people.

7). Democrats need to convince swing voters that McCain would usher in a third Bush term -- that he's not the "independent-maverick" he pretends to be.
Lie about McCain actually being a Conservative. Basically just say whatever McCain does.

8) Democrats need to undermine public confidence in McCain's competency and judgment with respect to the War in Iraq.
Lie about the war. Say things like "Only McCain would be stupid enough to believe that you can defeat terrorists by killing them". Try to keep a straight face while doing so.

9). We need to drive the contrast between a change candidate with a vision for the future and a candidate steeped in the ways of Washington.
Lie about being a sleazy Washington tool. Honestly, how long does the "steeping" process take? If you're still an "outsider" after working for the same company for THREE YEARS, you're probably not very good at what you do. Which tells me that Obama is just a worthless slack-ass who's not pulling his weight and is basically just stealing his paycheck.

10). Obama must continue to appeal proudly and self-confidently to progressive values.
Lie about the fact that "progressive values" is an oxymoron.

The magnitude of a lie always contains a certain factor of credibility, since the great masses of the people in the very bottom of their hearts tend to be corrupted rather than consciously and purposely evil, and that, therefore, in view of the primitive simplicity of their minds they more easily fall a victim to a big lie than to a little one, since they themselves lie in little things, but would be ashamed of lies that were too big. Such a falsehood will never enter their heads and they will not be able to believe in the possibility of such monstrous effrontery and infamous misrepresentation in others.

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Rating: 4.2/5 (89 votes cast)

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Yes, Obama wins... but WHY?

I speculate thusly:

Two - count 'em - TWO halos!

* "I inhaled... frequently".

* His uncanny ability to tap into white people's secret hatred of white people.

* Winning candidate in 30 of the 57 state primaries.

* What am I trying to tell you? That Obama can dodge bullets like Hillary? No... what I'm telling you is that when he's ready... he won't have to.

* Y chromosome, baby.

* Has a middle name sounds like a dead dictator, not a dead princess.

* Say what you will about his choice of minister, but at least Obama's proven to America that he can walk into a church without bursting into flame.

* Demonstrated willingness to speak to America's fallen heroes.

* People thought they were voting for Dave Chappelle.

* Not married to Bill

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Rating: 4.2/5 (71 votes cast)

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I'm just waiting for some liberal whackjob to complain that the choice of font colors is racist.

[Hat tip to Laurie for the inspiration]

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Rating: 4.4/5 (88 votes cast)

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I've always enjoyed the month of May because it's the month that marks that sweet spot on the weather chart between too-damn-cold & too-damn-hot.

This year is extra special because it's also the month where I get to watch the Democrats soil themselves in frustration as they alternately beg and berate Hillary to please, please, PLEASE drop out!

From the "berate" file, comes a quote from Rep. Steve Cohen, (D-Tenn), who compared Clinton to Glenn Close's character in "Fatal Attraction" [a spurned woman turned stalker who was apparently drowned in a bathtub only to jump up one more time to be shot dead.]

"Glenn Close should have stayed in that tub, and Sen. Clinton has had a remarkable career and needs to move to the next step, which is helping elect the Democratic nominee."

While I relish the image of Hillary as a psychotic bunny-boiler as much as the next guy, I can't help thinking that Mr. Cohen missed a couple other possible movie character analogies, which I toss out thusly:

"NO! MORE! WIRE! HANGERS!"

* Friday the 13th - Jason's Mom.

* Evil Dead 2 - Sweet "I'll Swallow Your Soul" Henrietta

* Star Wars Episode I - Queen Amidala (shortly after her ascension to power, her entire planet is conquered by people with Chinese accents - absolutely prescient, I tell ya).

* The Omen - Nanny Baylock

* The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe - HINT: not the wardrobe.

* The Muppet Movie - Miss Piggy. Promises, promises, promises, but did Kermit ever see any action? HELL no!

* Serial Mom - don't wear white shoes after Labor Day.

* The Crying Game - Dil (same surprise, too).

* The Wizard of Oz - No... not Westie... Dorothy. She stole the shoes off a dead woman she dropped a house on. Hillary would do the same if it got her enough superdelegates.

* One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest - Nurse Ratched

* Misery - Nurse Annie.

* Blues Brothers - Seriously, she would've played Carrie Fisher's part with a LOT more conviction.

* Kill Bill - Elle Driver. Note to the Democratic Party - if Hillary offers you a suitcase full of money, don't open it.

* Thelma & Louise - believe it or not, I'm pegging Hillary as the '66 Thunderbird convertible in this one, since she WILL be the vehicle which takes the Democrats soaring off the cliff.

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Rating: 4.2/5 (58 votes cast)

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10) Couldn't get enough delegates to win now even if Arthur Andersen were counting the ballots.

9) New "Obama '08" sticker on Bill's back bumper.

8) New "Obama '08" tattoo on Chelsea's lower back.

7) Her "Presidency for her soul" contract with Satan turned out to have an "articulate black man" escape clause.

6) The vice-presidency is still an option, since McCain hasn't picked anyone yet.

5) She's exhausted from the endless routine of long days of campaigning followed by waking up to yet ANOTHER horse head in her bed from Howard Dean.

4) Jeremiah Wright offered his endorsement.

3) No realistic chance of winning based on recent reports of flat sales of winter sporting equipment in brimstone-combusting punishment-oriented afterlife ethereal planes.

2) She's plainly unelectable, since most of her voter base is too senile to vote for anyone except for Pat Buchanan come November, anyway.

and the number 1 sign that Hillary should drop out (see extended entry):

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Rating: 4.4/5 (67 votes cast)

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Interesting.

In the above Obama campaign commercial, he criticizes McCain's proposed summer gas tax holiday because it would only save "about 25, 30 dollars".

His point being, I suppose, that such a piddly little savings would make zero difference in the lives of those on the receiving end.

Which may be true of politicians whose net worth stretches into the 7 digit range, but for working schlubs like me, that money means I get to live the Dollar Menunaire lifestyle for a solid month.

But if $25-$30 is so insignificant, why is it that when Obama's campaign site asks for contributions, not only is $25 one of the options, so is $10.

He needs a new campaign commercial:

"So, I'm here to tell you the truth. I could collect tiny campaign contributions for 6 months, but that's not going to get me to the White House. Donations of 25 or 30 dollars? That's like half a tank of gas." [supporters in the crowd snicker]

"That's typical of how small-town gun-&-religion-clinging racists work. There's a problem, they're upset about campaign prices -- let's find some short-term, quick-fix, that we can say we did something, even though were not really doing anything." [Audience full of rich white people nods in approval]. "I cannot be delivered into the White house unless we change how fund-raising is done in America. I've got to go out to the oil companies and threaten them with 'price-gouging' investigations so that they'll write big, fat checks to my campaign to get me to call off the dogs"

"And the little people have got to start using less oil so they can afford to start sending me big, fat checks, too. That's the real honest answer to how I'm going to solve this problem." [standing ovation] "That's what you need from a President... someone who's going to tell you the truth."

I agree, Barack. Is $25 significant, or is it nothing? Tell us the truth.

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Rating: 4.3/5 (46 votes cast)

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Hillary Clinton has never heard of Red Bull.

Hillary Clinton can't figure out how to operate a gas station coffee machine.

She's barely qualified to be an American citizen, much less President.

What else doesn't Hillary know? Well, let's check the list...

"Nope. No superdelegates there."

* The internet is for porn

* Dark blonde isn't a realistic hair color when you're 60.

* It's not normal for your hand to burst into flame if you touch a Bible.

* The first woman president and the first black president will be Republican, and probably Condi Rice.

* One's choice of pastor is indeed a reflection on one's character. More so one's choice of spouse.

* When pronouncing *NSYNC, the * is silent.

* Very few Americans are named after famous people who weren't famous when they were born. You aren't one of them.

* Neo dodged bullets fired at close range, so technically he didn't dodge sniper fire, either.

* EVERYONE has noticed that Chelsea looks more like Web Hubbell than Bill.

* It's inappropriate to describe the Harry Potter books as "the story of a boy growing to manhood as he experiments with his wand."

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Rating: 4.3/5 (75 votes cast)

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In primaries, debates, and in the finer points of smear-campaign, Barack Obama keeps showing America how good he is.

At getting beaten by a girl.

A GIRL!

How can he be expected to stand up to ruthless, cut-throat Islamic terrorists - who, according to scientific studies, beat girls all the time - when he's constantly getting his ass handed to him by a Breastified-American?

Seriously, the dude needs to sneak the key to Michelle's testicular lock box out from underneath her pillow, strap on a pair, and cowboy up.

Here are my suggestions for ways Obama can toughen up his image to improve his chances of having the honor of losing to a REAL man in November:

Obama's new testosterone-powered campaign tour bus

* Claim that he once gazed up Fred Thompson's mighty visage without being turned into stone.

* Point out to journalists asking tough questions that he knows both unrepentant terrorists and the journalists' home addresses.

* Post a YouTube video of himself successfully de-candifying a baby (note to Obama: edit out the failed attempts before posting).

* When whining about the unfairness of debate questions, do it with a Schwarzenegger accent.

* Drop the Cosmo scrip.

* Casually twirl a butterfly knife during stump speeches.

* Surround himself with guys who make him look rugged by comparison, like cripples or interior decorators.

* Kick a puppy and laugh.

* Don't look at me like that. It worked for Hillary, didn't it?

* Promise that if he's elected, he'll replace water-boarding with scorpion-boarding.

* Film himself defeating a Spaniard, a Giant, and a Sicilian.

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Rating: 4.4/5 (75 votes cast)

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HARRISBURG, PA (AP) - Ahead of the Pennsylvania primaries, Democrat Party leaders report that they are thrilled at the possibility of every single state's primary actually mattering in 2008. The second half of the primary season has been irrelevant since 1952, resulting in millions of essentially disenfranchised voters.

"Let's take this one to the Convention, baby! EEYEEEEAAAAAH!"

DNC Chairman Howard Dean shared his excitement as it seems more and more likely that every vote will count this year. "The Democrat Party has always been about making sure that every vote counts," said Dean. "Women, Minorities, Homeless, Mexicans, dead people - everyone should have a voice in choosing a Democrat to lead this nation."

Former Vice President Al Gore was similarly enthused. "Ever since the 2000 vote in Florida," said Gore, "the Democrat Party has been adamant that every vote should count. Sometimes two or three times. However, since candidates are normally chosen by February, the people of Pennsylvania and many other states with late primaries have essentially been disenfranchised for decades. I'm delighted that their votes will actually matter this year."

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi sees this year's extended primary as being "what Democracy is all about". "We have the male, female, black, and white perspectives all chattering away in a vigorous national dialogue," said Pelosi. "The only way this could be better is if we had a homosexual voice in the mix. Sadly, Barney Frank won't run and John Edwards dropped out."

"I almost feel sorry for the Republicans," Pelosi added sadly. "With McCain being chosen so early, the Republicans in most states have no voice in choosing who will represent them in Washington. They might as well be living in Cuba, or Soviet Russia, or Massachusetts. Frankly, I see no difference between McCain and Kim Jong Il, since both will get 100% of the vote from their party."

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My Magic Negro Barack really screwed up in the recent debate on ABC (NYT login & password available from BugMeNot).

Since the MSM has no imagination, he'll be getting these same questions over and over again, and I'd like to see him better prepared next time. As a courtesy to the only hope for the future of America, I offer this cheat sheet of:

condensed versions of the questions (links provided so you can check my accuracy),

[his ACTUAL boiled down answer], and

the correct answer.

1) Why won't you promise to take Mrs. Clinton as your running mate if you win the nomination?

[Because I haven't won the nomination yet - DUH!]

Two words: Mondale-Ferraro.

2) Do you understand that you offended people with your "bitter & clingy" remark?

[Did I say bitter & clingy? I meant angry and frustrated & clingy]

No one was offended except racist, Christian gun-owners, or - as I like to call them - Republicans.

3) A simple yes or no question: Do you think Senator Clinton can beat McCain?

[In 474 words - "Yes".]

Only if she ties him to a chair and uses a tire iron.

4) Why did it take so long for you to distance yourself from the offensive remarks of Reverend Jeremiah Wright?

[I was too busy being a uniter across racial divides.]

Because hanging with that righteous brother gave me more black street cred than starring in a Fifty Cent video.

5) What will you do when videos of Wright are played over and over during the rest of the campaign season?

[Start talking about health care.]

Lock in 100% of the black vote.

6) Given her statements about Bosnian sniper fire, do you believe Senator Clinton has been fully truthful about her past?

[She made a mistake. Income inequality is the highest it's been since the 1920's. Also, I stand for change.]

BWAHAHAHAHAHA!WHOOOOOO!HAHAHAHAHA!...(continue laughing for at least five minutes)...hahaha *snort* *chuckle* (wipe streaming tears)... yes... yes I do.

7) Why won't you wear an American Flag lapel pin?

[I wore one just the other day during a photo op. Don't question my patriotism.]

I respect the flag, but I also respect my $1500 Armani suit too much to poke a hole in the lapel.

8) During your state senate campaign, you held an organizational meeting at the home of a domestic terrorist who bombed the Pentagon in the 70's. Can you explain why your relationship with this man won't be a problem during your campaign for President?

[Being friends with bad people doesn't make you a bad person. Besides, I'm friends with LOTS of evil people. Republicans, for example.]

Hell-ooooo! I'm a DEMOCRAT! Hanging out with violent hippie terrorists is a resume enhancer in this party.

9) Are you going to withdraw troops from Iraq even if it would undo all the gains we've made in that country?

[Yes]

Yes, because that way I'll lock in 100% of the crazy Muslim terrorist vote, too.

10) Should it be US policy to treat an Iranian attack on Israel as an attack on the US?

[Iran won't attack because I'll ask them really nicely not to.]

No, because Israel is much better at killing Muslims than we are. We'd just be in the way.

11) Will you read-my-lips pledge not to increase taxes of any kind for anyone earning under $200,000 a year?

[Yes... no... sort of... except for capital gains taxes and maybe some other stuff.]

I won't increase taxes. I'll just close loopholes and repeal Bush's cuts. Totally different animal.

12) Is the D.C. handgun ban consistent with the 2nd Amendment?

[Yes, because ALL Constitutional rights are subject to government regulation.]

Yes, because it doesn't prohibit the use of flintlocks by militias.

13) How specifically would you recommend changing affirmative action policies so that affluent African Americans are not given advantages, and poor, less affluent whites are?

[Colleges should have a goal of a specific number of each type of person, just without quotas.]

By raising taxes on black people making over $200,000 a year.

14) What are you going to do about gas prices?

[Threaten oil companies with investigations and taxes.]

Send them soaring through the roof with a combination of obliviously short-sighted foreign policy in the Middle East and monumentally blinkered economic policy at home. And that bracelet is to remind me to ask myself "What Would Jimmah Do?"

15) How would you use George W. Bush if you were president?

[Ask him for his dad's phone number.]

Like Hitler used the Jews. Wait... sorry, I mangled that one... I just meant as a scapegoat to advance my political career.

16) Why are you the better candidate and more electable in November?

[70-year-old women like me a lot.]

Hoping and changing and black, oh my!

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Mrs. C., in an ever-so-premature fit of presumptuousness, saw fit to splutter out a few of the activities that would occupy her first 100 days as President.

A list basically consisting of undoing the too-tiny list of things that President Bush actually did right - like cutting taxes and killing terrorists - recited in that venomous, Emergency Broadcast System test-howl voice of hers.

Since you actually have to get ELECTED to have a "first 100 days", I think her crystal ball has a few cracks in it

As for me, I look into MY crystal ball and see... well, nothing, actually, since I'm not some filthy scamming gypsy fortune teller like the one who told me to take out a second mortgage and bet it all on the Patriots.

All mysticism aside, here are my predictions regarding what Hillary would do during her first 100 days as President (heaven forbid):

"Hillary's first 100 days: all spent laughing at the gullible rubes who elected her."

* Replace all the H-less White House computer keyboards.

* Hostess that damn Pampered Chef party that Pelosi guilted her into.

* Go out hunting, just like her grandfather showed her.

* Shoot her eye out, just like her grandmother warned her.

* Bake some cookies for her first press conference. Chocolate chip for Reuters, bitter almond for Fox News.

* Head off future First Husband scandals by making sure all White House phones have a 24-hour dry cleaner on speed dial.

* Bring the troops home so as to ensure that America will have another date on the calender that need only be referred to by month and day.

* Outlaw torture with the exception of those superdelegates who chose... unwisely... at the Democratic convention.

* Be the victim of a tragic - yet not career-ending - light saber accident on the lava planet Mustafar.

* See if OJ would be willing to take time off from his hunt for the real killers to help her hunt for the Bosnian snipers.

* Same thing she does every day, Pinky...

Ah, yes... you over there, way in the back...

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"Oh crap! Wasn't ready for THAT one!"

While Chelsea Clinton was pimpin' fo' her mama at Butler University recently, college student Evan Strange asked her whether Hillary Clinton's credibility was damaged by how the then-first lady handled the scandal over Bill Clinton's relationship with intern Monica Lewinsky.

Chelsea - who, with over 70 politically-motivated college campus appearances under her belt, is FINALLY fair game for abuse, and oh BROTHER do I have some catching up to do with the free-pass-from-the-press-having socialist swine - "answered" the question by brusquely sneering "I do not think that's any of your business."

I have to say I'm disappointed. A low-hanging curve like that gets floated over her plate and she can't even dribble out an infield grounder. Let's see if I can't get an answer a little closer to the right field wall:

"Was Hillary's credibility damaged by how she handled the Monica Lewinsky scandal?"

* [Stunned pause]... Ironically, that question just made me stain my dress.

* [Laughing] Silly boy! You can't damage rock bottom!

* I don't know what you're talking about. Bill had a WaveRunner with vanity plates, not a monogrammed Jet Ski.

* No, because that's considered part of her 35 years of experience with political affairs.

* Wow... Actually, I'm surprised that there's something on the topic of giving oral sex to men that you don't already know.

* Look, stumping for my mom is my job now. I don't come to McDonald's and ask you embarrassing questions about whether you're still in the habit of enticing your dog into licking peanut butter off your junk, now do I?

* Recent polling suggests it actually gained her credibility among the all-important "women too gutless to leave that cheating bastard" demographic.

* That's not important. What matters is that - unlike with Barack Obama's health care plan - under my mother's proposal, even sperm-burping little gutter sluts like Monica would be completely covered.

* I believe that my mother's difficult and very personal decision to honor her marriage vows in the face of both infidelity and public ridicule says a lot about her ability to keep promises under challenging circumstances, and if you're the kind of person who considers that sort of strength and integrity to be "damaging", then I guess the answer would be "yes", although I think most people would disagree with your assessment.

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Geraldine Ferraro, the 1984 Democratic Vice-Failure, said of Barack: "If Obama was a white man, he would not be in this position. And if he was a woman (of any color) he would not be in this position. He happens to be very lucky to be who he is. And the country is caught up in the concept."

It's true.

Barack is a handsome, pleasant-voiced, smooth-talker whose charming allure makes you REALLY want to take him up on his attractive offers until you realize - perhaps too late - that there's a... downside... to what you're agreeing to.

Since he's black, he's a presidential contender for the Democrats.

Were he white, there's a broader - though less prestigious - range of career opportunities he'd be more likely to engage in:

* Guest on a real estate infomercial fake talk show.

* Leader of a quirky religious movement that invests heavily in rat poison and powdered drink mixes before investing heavily in one-way tickets to a small, South American country.

* Cannibal from Milwaukee.

* Host of a reality TV show who suggests that eating a plateful of raw bull testicles is TOTALLY worth it because you'll have a 1-in-7 shot of getting a 15-minute phone call home if you do.

* Client 9

* Wraparound shade-wearing leader of a mediocre Irish rock band who touts letting Third World crapholes default on their loans as "a humanitarian invesment opportunity".

* Right wing political humor blogger offering "free" T-shirts.

* Quarterback of a Massachusetts-based professional football team, leading his team to a "perfect" season.

* Being John Edwards.

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Because as the offical symbol of the 2008 Republican Convention, the Republicans have chosen:

An overhead shot of a roadkill elephant, complete with tire tracks. I didn't know they made Priuses that big.

I just hope it's not an omen.

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America's favorite vote-splitter has put a fresh coat of tinfoil on his hat and tossed it into the ring for 2008.

You'll pardon my insidious Machiavellianism, but I'd really like to see the man do well this time around.

You know what I'm talkin' about.

So let's see if we can't whip him up a killer campaign slogan:

* Nader: because corporations selling you cool stuff is the REAL terrorism.

* Six more months of military experience than Bill Clinton.

* Kooky like Ron Paul, but without all that annoying liberty crap.

* Spoilernator III: Rise of the Lunatics

* Because I Can

* Looking 90, acting 12.

* Just a hooded sweatshirt and a stick of dynamite away from being the Unabomber.

* Nader: homonymically synonymous with "rock bottom".

* FOR working families, AGAINST the corporations that sign their paychecks.

* He won't start every sentence with "I served in Vietnam".

* I'm John McCain, and I approved this candidacy.

* Nader: he's never worked for a living either.

* Like Barack's really going to miss .3% of the vote.

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Since we may be losing Hillary after next Tuesday, we better get busy making fun of her before she gets passed over for the VP nod, goes postal, wastes 20 people at the Democratic convention and completes her inevitable downward skid from Britney-pathetic to referred-to-by-three-names tragic.

I got this postcard in the mail prior to the Wisconsin primaries, which prominently features Hillary's best "I'm looking forward to the bright tomorrows that my administration will bring" look:

My first thought was that if you turn her around, she'd look right at home on a Communist Party flag:

And as I continued to gaze at this not-airbrushed-enough visage, I began to wonder... what is she thinking about in this picture?

My answers in the extended entry.

Yours in the comments, please.

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Apparently John McCain now comes with a warning label.

I wonder who it's for?

* That damn beagle who beat him out for Best In Show.

* Kids who've outgrown their childish belief in the Boogeyman... prematurely as it turns out.

* Will Robinson!

* Nobody, actually, it's just the name of McCain's favorite Women's Baseball team.

* Any Republican candidates too pigheaded to drop out of the race whose names - ironically - rhyme with "luckily".

* Bitter old cranks like me who are still pissed that - thanks to Johnny boy - you can't even BUY free speech in this country any more.

* John Connor (even though this is obviously one of those ineffective, rubber-skinned Series 600 jobs)

* Size 14 women who help him move a couch into his van only to wake up at the bottom of a well, where they're told what to do with a bottle of lotion.

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Panicky pig in a pantsuit Hillary Clinton poured another 100 gallons of stupid into the bubbling cauldron of her campaign's retarded soundbites by floating the notion that "we should have bloggers inside government agencies so that people get real-time information about what's going on."

It's bad enough bloggers have a reputation as one-hand-typing, basement-dwelling, pajama-clad ignorant windbags of hate and irresponsiblity, but now she wants to add "cronyfied government tools" to the list.

Nothing - save the blithering one-thought echo-chamber of the Huffington Post - offends my sensibilities as a freelance beholdin' to no-one speechifier more than the thought of the actual existence of an official government mouthpiece biting the nipple off the blogospheric bastion of anarchy at which I daily and enthusiastically give suck.

Still, since bad things DO happen to good people, the day may come when a blogger DOES get put into a government agency (which I assume is just a Clintonesque euphemism for "Super Happy Lucky Fun Re-education Camp"). Thus, I wonder aloud, "what will this dreary, Hillary-mandated outlet of 1984tastic goodspeakisms be titled?"

And answer myself thusly:

* Winston Smith's Daily Journal

* Not Lying Because I'm Not Under Oath

* Freedom! Horrible, Horrible Freedom!

* I'm From the Government and I'm Here to Blog You

* Ministry of Truthiness

* 'Status Quo' is the New 'Change'

* Should've Listened to Ron Paul!

Hey! How'd THAT one get in there?

* Cankling to Prosperity

* Sanitized For Your Protection

* Your Tax Dollars Hard at Work Instead of Squandered on the Frivilous Crap YOU Had Your Eye On

"Doing the Truth Like the DMV Does Customer Service"

Anyway, that's just me. What would YOUR official Happy Camp blog be called?

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After failing miserably to win in any measurable fashion against Democratic frontrunners Obama & Clinton, John Edwards is trying a new strategy: running against Ronald Reagan:

"I would never use Ronald Reagan as an example of change," Edwards said. "You think about what Ronald Reagan did, to America, the American people, to the middle class, to working people. He was openly, openly intolerant of unions and the right to organize."

Even running against a 96-year-old dead man, Edwards fails miserably. If the election were held today, and the lifeless, fleshless, Alzheimer's-besotted remains of America's greatest President were running against Edwards, it'd be 1984 all over again, except that Edwards wouldn't carry Minnesota or D.C.

Here's a few other opponents Edwards would fail against just as miserably:

* An empty chair that Fred Thompson once sat in.

* A ball of Jeffrey Dahmer's earwax.

* Frank J and/or that dog he claims to own. Has anyone ever seem them in the same room together or been given ANY reliable proof that they're NOT the same person?

* Any random wad of gum scraped off the underside of a table.

* Ron Paul

* Just kidding.

* Full-volume Billy Mays.

* A cable-TV price increase.

* Dilbert's pointy-haired boss.

* Trump's hair.

* This jar of fuzzy... something... I found in the back of my fridge.

Unless you're Billy Mays, in which case, pipe down.

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Responding to Tyra Banks's query regarding what Clinton's husband would be called if she won, Hillary made the following asinine comment:

"OW!... Thinking is HARD!"

"[W]e need to do a nationwide contest for a name[...] Like a reality show[...] This is good, because think about it; here are some of the things that have been suggested like First Mate. His Scottish friends say 'First Laddie,' but we need ideas."

Oh yeah... I've got some names...

* First Philanderer

* First Perjurer

* First Flab-ass

* First Fellatiatee

* Second Impeached

How drab.

Surely there are more appropriate sobriquets for her superflously luxurious transportational accomodations:

* PIAPS One

* Sky High Tax-i

* Better Than the Black Guy

* Cankles Away!

* COBRA Commander

* Loser in the Sky With Diamonds

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A lot of folks are saying that Hillary's girly-ass crying jag actually made her MORE popular with some voters who obviously don't deserve the franchise. Something about making her someone they could identify with. "She's crying... I've cried... Therefore she's the fittest candidate to hold the reins of power in the mightiest nation on the face of the Earth. What could possibly go wrong?"

Well, since I can't see any flaws in that chain of logic, I'll suggest that Hillary work even harder on her relatability quotient. Here are my helpful hints:

* Upon clumsily injuring yourself in public, belt out a hearty obscene Anglo-Saxonism instead of getting that vaguely aroused look of mixed pain and delight.

* Complain that cable TV is too expensive, not that it's drowning in an ocean of Obama suck-uppery.

* No white shoes after Labor Day, no cleavage after age 60.

* Get a tramp stamp.

* Fix a broken bra strap with duct tape.

* Quote Homer Simpson often and with gusto.

* Next debate, criticize your opponents for leaving the toilet seat up.

* Prove how hectic your public-service-oriented lifestyle is by letting your gray roots poke out an inch or two between colorings.

* Flash some whale tail.

* Belch loudly, smack your lips, and say "There's that Taco Bell again".

* Divorce your cheating husband.

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So a couple of goofballs attend a rally for Hillary and heckle her with an "Iron my shirt" sign.

Naturally I find this amusing, since I'm a sexist pig who hates power-hungry socialists, but I still think they misfired on their one shot at legendarity.

I bet IMAO readers could've come up with better heckle signs.

I'll put mine in the extended entry, you put yours in the comments.

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CBS ran this headline "In Iowa, Dems Vary On Style, Not Substance" which tells me that they're having trouble telling the Democrat candidates apart.

Maybe it's because the Dems are all tax & spend socialists. Maybe it's because people who work at CBS are retarded ("These memos are a slam dunk, Dan! Don't back down!").

Either way, I thought I'd offer this brief & handy pictoral guide to the Democratic Candidates:

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I thought about writing up a whole bunch of words to post for this idea but think the title pretty much stands by itself.

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On Sunday, the Clinton campaign requested the resignation of a second Iowa volunteer coordinator who forwarded a hoax e-mail saying Barack Obama is a Muslim possibly intent on destroying the United States.

Is that all it takes to get fired by the Clintons? Forwarding juicy gossip e-mails that paint negative pictures of her political opponents?

Heck, if it's that easy, I'm thinking we could speed up the process by flaunting temptation in their direction.

So, in your spare time, forward an internet rumor e-mail to your local Clinton campaign office, with some breathless header like "I've been a Hillary fan for a long time, but after finding out this information about [political opponent], now I *know* I'm backing the right person for the job of President. Please pass this along to as many other loyal Hillarists as possible!"

If you don't want to pick on Barack's Muslimicity, there's always:

"John Edwards: Neighbor From Hell"

"John Edwards Made My Grandpa Die From the Flu"

"Hillary Clinton - Proudly Marxist, Just Like Me!"

"Obama places hand over crotch during National Anthem"

"John Edwards - Faaaaaabulous!"

Now, I hear some of you doubters saying "this plan would never work! Hillary volunteers are FAR too savvy to fall for obvious right-wing treachery".

To which I reply, these people are doing unpaid work for a woman with a net worth of $40 million dollars. Figuring out that they're being suckered is obviously not their forte.

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I think if you think you have to give a big, much hoopla'ed speech to tell people you don't think your religion should pose a problem for voters, you've really managed to get your sacred undergarments in a bunch.

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[WARNING: Serious content ahead in the extended entry, void of humor. If you're here to be amused, please see the posts above or below this one]

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Why shouldn't you vote for McCain? All he wants is a chance to tick off everyone he hasn't yet ticked off.

Look at everyone he's royally teed off.

Others, probably you.

I don't feel like listing them all individually.

Hes a RINO and he's been leaning left so long, they're naming towers in Pisa after him.

I thought of a few good slogans to go with the video.

McCain: I Love America TO DEATH!

McCain: Hate the playa, hate the game, above all, Hate Me

And maybe at the start of his next ad. he could say, "I'm John McCain I don't just want your vote, I want you to give me the chance to incur your eternal undying hatred. #*%^ you."

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Looks like Hillary is riding a bumpy road in Iowa. In addition to the sagging polls, here are some other signs her campaign's in trouble:

* Out of desperation, challenged some redneck kid to a fiddle-playing contest.

* Had to taze a bro.

* Hired Kos

* No, wait... that was Newsweek.

* Went in against a Sicilian when death was on the line.

* Tugged on Superman's cape while spitting into the wind.

* Rode a tank, held a general's rank - still getting no sympathy.

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Found this on My Way News via Drudge, and it was also recommended by Jeff in VA:

You guys have fun. I'll tuck mine away in the extended entry...

(Yeah, I know... "that's what HE said"...)

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Beaten by 512 electoral votes in his 1984 Presidential run, Walter Mondale will now endorse Hillary Clinton's run for president.

Which should do wonders for her image as a winner.

I expect she'll be picking up a few other supporters in the coming months:

* Wile E. Coyote

* Elmer Fudd

* Snidely Whiplash

* Boris Badinov

* Sylvester

* Chicago Cubs

* Al Franken

* William Hung

* Jason Alexander

* Star Wars Kid

* Stormtroopers - Forest Moon of Endor Brigade.

* Wil Wheaton

* Aquaman

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Desperate to overcome Hillary Clinton's unovercomable lead for the Democratic nomination, Obama's campaign team has taken to studying BILL Clinton's old videotapes, the theory being that Obama should associate himself with the only Democrat President to win re-election in over 40 years.

Hopefully he stops before he gets to the "Interns Gone Wild" tapes.

Meanwhile, here's some more advice for the Barackster:

* Point out Hillary's flaws, like the "666" tattooed inside her lip.

* Remember, it's "Klaatu barada nikto". Try to get it right the first time.

* Dallas and convertibles don't mix.

* Ditto Kennedys & Oldsmobiles.

* Don't brush up against Edwards's hair. It looks soft & fluffy, but that hairspray helmet of his is sharper that Odd Job's hat.

* Be cautious when playing the race card. If you hear someone shout "Nagger!" at a debate, it's probably directed at Hillary, not you.

* Tanks & bunny suits - bad.

* Nobody likes a copycat. Don't follow Hillary's cleavage maneuver.

* Before giving out "Obama '08" campaign buttons, make sure they're not hand-painted in China.

* Avoid rookie mistakes. Although it's counterintuitive, remember that it really IS just as emotionally satisfying to reveal your top secret plan for global domination to the British secret agent AFTER you kill him.

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Still there was a lot of good stuff, and I was surprised by the volume of responses.

Therefore I'm going to pass out the bragging rights & praise like Halloween candy, instead of just limiting it to five.

First some discussion of how I was impressed (or not).

It pays know your judge. I like:

* Brevity - a one-word caption would be your Holy Grail here. For example, "KHAAAAAAAAAN!!!!!". Tough to find, but worth the effort if you can find it.

* Movie quotes - best if they're recognizable, yet not the ones EVERYONE uses.

* TV show quotes - if you've paid attention, you'll know my favorite.

* Indirect references - Frank J's entry in the first comment (which, sadly, does not earn praise this time), never uses the word "Joker". He merely leaves it implied. He fails in this case because the Joker was frustrated when he spoke this line. Would've been better with "You ever dance with the devil by the pale moonlight?" or "This town needs an enema!".

* Smut - I like my humor off-colorer than most of the folks around here.

It also helps to know what I don't like:

* Harry Potter references.

That's Frank & Sarah's thing. Personally, I think the series is dorky tripe written by a daft old limey bat.

Anyway, let's dole out the bragging rights:

Rick (nice misdirection - I bit on it):
After a hard day on the campaign trail, Hillary unwinds while watching her favorite comedy, Schindler's List.

DamnCat (beautiful implication technique):
Recently added to the Baseball Hall of Fame's memorabilia collection: Yogi Berra's 1951 World Series catcher's mitt.

Pantera (this thought just makes me feel warm inside):
What Saddam saw before he died.

Jerry (old joke recycled by using only the punchline - a good method):
"and you Obama, I'll turn you into a wetsuit!!"

Lily (ripped from the headlines...)
Next on the Democratic agenda...Universal Dental Care

Master Shake (smutty AND baits Ronulans)
"Be careful down there, Ron Paul. That tickles!"

Bod (mostly because I used to own the album in question - yes, on vinyl, thank you very much)
21st Century Schizoid Woman

hordog (smutty and semi-obscure Blazing Saddles reference)
"Oh, Bawwack, it's twue it's twue..."

AlanABQ (Yay! Smutty pun!):
"I'm smiling because I'm getting my cavities checked today, and I ain't talking about my teeth!"

glockman (brevity and a Simpson's reference):
mmmmm....babies

PostToasties (new twist on an old classic):
"The face that sunk a thousand ships."

Casper the Friendly Host (he went there):
A mouth only Janet Reno could french kiss.

Raving Lunatic (he went there, but semi-discreetly):
Hillary discovers the secret joy of washing machines

G Fresh (For adapting a relatively obscure Princess Bride quote):
I am the Dread Pirate Rodham. I have come for your souls.

cptnmoroni (going extreme to make his point):
The Revlon corporation just surrendered.

badmartin (I really enjoy this mental image):
She's laughing because her driver just hit a kid on a bike.

Hazel (a movie quote I've never heard before, but very fitting):
"It looks like Godzilla, but due to international copyright laws, it's not."

right (another mental image that tickles me):
Hillary grins happily as she learns that, yes, her new Wagner Power Sprayer CAN handle a 50/50 maybelline/spackle mix.

right (well-adapted commercial reference):
Souls. It's what's for dinner.

Michael Rutman (because it's just SO wrong. Click the link, it's a visual)

Dr. Evil (a rarely-quoted - yet well-chosen - phrase from MPatHG):
Follow. But... Follow only if ye be men of valour, for the entrance to this cave is guarded by a creature so foul, so cruel that no man yet has fought with it and lived. Bones of full fifty men lie strewn about its lair. So, brave knights, if you do doubt your courage or your strength, come no further, for death awaits you all with nasty, big, pointy teeth.

And finally, High Praise! to... (see extended entry)

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Reader Jimmy sent me this horrifying visage:

After I got done bleaching my retinas and cursing his name, I decided he was right - this photo DOES need a caption.

Winner and four runners-up to be chosen by me, with the winner receiving the usual... High Praise!... and the rest having to settle for mere bragging rights.

If you decide to photoshop it or give it the "lolterizt!" treatment, post the pic at your place and just drop the URL in the comments.

I've created a few captions of my own to set the bar, but I'll put them in the extended entry so as not to completely deflate your creative urge...

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In the comments to this post, Ringmaster of The Secluded Circus said:

Harvey, you should do a daily John Edwards sissy fact to counter Frank's Fred Thompson fact!

Which is harder than it sounds

Thompson facts are entertaining because Fred is powerful enough to make the impossible happen

Sadly, this concept doesn't work in reverse.

When Edwards applies his super-wussy powers and makes... well, NOTHING happen, it's just not as entertaining.

Still, I enjoy a challenge, so I came up with a starter list about Edwards. After reading, you can help me decide if this project is worth pursuing:

* In the original version of Snow White, the Evil Queen's mirror answered "John Edwards".

* The reason John Edwards' haircut cost $400? Renting the tungsten carbide tipped jackhammer to break through the hairspray.

* John Edwards uses a Year-at-a-Glance calendar so that he doesn't have to ask for help turning those heavy pages every month.

* John Edwards has no idea what the underside of a toilet seat looks like.

* John Edwards would lose a game of tic-tac-toe while playing x's and given a three-move head start, so as not to damage his opponent's self-esteem.

* John Edwards still carries the scar from where a dandelion seed once fell on him.

* John Edwards went swimming in the ocean and got beaten up by plankton.

* If John Edwards visited the Empire State Building, the island would soon become known as Girlhattan.

* A single drop of John Edwards' blood contains enough estrogen to reverse menopause.

* During a campaign stop at a school for the blind, John Edwards tried reading Braille for a photo-op and broke his finger.

* When John Edwards plays with a Ken doll, it's anatomically correct.

* The vacuum of space is not the absence of matter, it's the overflow from John Edwards' absence of manhood.

* The #1 Google return for a search for "John Edwards"? The Stayfree home page.

* John Edwards is the only person who actually looks MORE macho while riding a Segway.

* John Edwards once failed a high school math test because he hugged the buttons on his calculator instead of punching them.

* John Edwards hates the Easter Bunny because the eggs he leaves are never the same shade of pink as his lip gloss.

* All his papers are signed "Mister John Edwards" so that he can dot the "i" with a heart.

* Teddy bears can't sleep at night unless they're cuddling John Edwards.

* Surveys show that 70% of US children under the age of six believe in both Santa Claus and the Tooth Edwards.

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I watched a bit of the Republican primary debate (the lovely and talented SarahK blogged it here), and it was pretty boring. I think I have some ideas for questions that would make it a lot more entertaining. They may not go directly to the issues, but I think they'll help us learn a lot about the candidates as people.

REPUBLICAN PRIMARY DEBATE QUESTIONS

* If you had to pick a minority group you like the least, which one would it be?

* What are your theories on what's happening on Lost?

* Should gays be allowed in the military? Should straights be allowed in figure skating?

* For this next round, you can only speak using song titles.

* If you had to choose a country in Europe to declare war against, which one and why?

* Who wants a hug?

* Close your eyes and see if you can name all the other candidates on stage. I bet you can't!

* Would you leave nukes on the table in our dealings with the moon?

* I'm going to read a list of names and I want you to raise your hand if you'd hit that.

* Would you support torture against terrorists? How about e-mail spammers?

* Now commences the brick round. You each get one brick you can throw at another candidate.

* Any of you know where to score some blow?

* Prove you're not an alien impostor!

* Is our nation prepared for a ninja attack or is our kung fu weak?

* If King Kong were unavailable, who would you put in his place to fight Godzilla?

* We can all agree this is pretty pointless without Fred Thompson, right?

UPDATE:

I should mention that one of those was in the questions I sent to Tom Tancredo that he didn't answer.

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First of all, I didn't wanna watch. Frank is making me. I'm doing financial stuff, so to be watching political debate on top of personal and business accounting crap is not my idea of a fun evening. But I'm having too much fun with it, to be honest, and I have too much to say. Every time anyone says something stupid (McCain on amnesty, Giuliani on murdering babies), I have something to talk about. Every time they ask a stupid question that makes me ask, "Now why in the world are they asking that question? Why do I need to know that about a man who's running for president?" I've got something to spew. So I figured I might as well share and stop talking over everyone so Frank can just read it at his leisure (or never read it, as is his custom) instead of my talking over everyone so he can't hear the TV and we have to keep rewinding the DVR.

Now we came in late, because Fred's not even in this thing, so who cares? Fred's the next president, and every time he speaks, my heart for him just grows sweeter and sweeter. Why do I care what these guys have to say? I trust Fred's judgment in picking a running mate. Plus, he's gonna be on that show where they just yell over each other later anyway, and we're Tivoing that bad-boy. Of course, who will be stupid enough to yell over Fred? Even H&C aren't that dumb. Or desperate to die.

So here are my thoughts since we started watching:

McCain: It's amnesty, English should be our first language, and did you say that Mexicans should speak Spanish in their own communities just like the Native Americans? Yeah, that's fine. If you wanna round 'em up and put 'em in reservations like the Native Americans. I'm sure they'll love it just as much as the Indians do. Arriba!

Giuliani: Every time that electronic buzz thing happens? That's God saying you are NOT going to run HIS country. Sorry, bud. Better luck never.

Evolution questions: Seriously? Our next president needs to believe the same way I believe on creation vs. evolution? Heck, my own husband doesn't even believe the same way I believe on that subject. And I have sex with that man. I have NO intentions of having sex with Fred. Nor his running mate. Though I've gotta say, this loony creationist Christian sure does like that Mike Huckabee a lot better now. Not for sex, just for president. So maybe you should ask more questions like this. You're right! Who cares about the war? Forget taxes! Forget spending! Forget that pesky terrorism issue. Let's talk about evolution and whether Paris Hilton should be allowed to keep her hair extensions in jail!

Brownback: Dude, what's with the squinting? This is something I want to know about a potential vice president. You're too Renee Zellwegger for me. Off with your head! Not literally, of course.

Romney: I was half expecting, after he said all the things he believed in, that he would say, "I believe in The Book of Mormon." But he didn't. And then he DID say, "I'm not gonna distance myself from my religion."

ManBearPig: I LOVE that God keeps cutting out Giuliani's mic. I am giggling every time. Is this topic ever going to be over? Hey, that Sam's Choice tropical trail mix that you buy at Walmart is my very favorite trail mix ever. Haha, Romney just said Putin. His name always makes me laugh. Hey guys, in the '70s, they said we were all gonna freeze to death, so don't worry. This global warming is just making up for that Ice Age. We're just evening things out now. It's ok. Our livingroom looks so awesome. Oh no. They're gonna let Ron Paul speak again. He's a big bag of crazy. Welcome, oh ye Ron Paul googlers! Go back to your crazy land, shake hands with the leprechauns, and go to sleep. He'll never EVER be president. Your breath is wasted yelling at me. (That's called a preemptive strike, also called passing the time until the ManBearPig topic is oooooover.) Yay! A new question! No! Paul again!

Gays in the military and don't ask don't tell: Why don't you let the military (below commander in chief) make policy. Like maybe... people closer to the ground. I say fine, if gay people wanna go kill terrorists, woohoo, go kill terrorists, ooh-rah! But I'm not in the military, and I have no idea what kind of complications that causes. Like in the barracks. They have separate men's barracks and women's barracks, right? And isn't the main purpose of that (for practical reasons, let's be adults) to keep them from having sex all the time, which would be disruptive and cause all kinds of problems? So if they start having open homosexuality all over the military, and you've got gay men in barracks with gay men, isn't that going to be disruptive? Giuliani: time of war or not, boot camp, training, I think it would be disruptive. So I actually kinda think don't ask don't tell is pretty good. But again, I've never been in the military. There you go, McCain, there's your soundbite. But what's your answer? I hate soundbite answers. Anyway, I kinda think that if I were in the military, I'd rather not know if the girls in my unit were lusting after me (I mean, come on, look at me, why wouldn't they?). Because I would so obsess on that. Because then it'd be like a guy being in your barracks (no, I didn't just say that lesbians are guys, shut up with your twisting of my words), and you know he's secretly watching you undress every night, and meanwhile, you've got your man waiting for you back stateside, and would he just quit looking at you? So I wouldn't wanna know.

Tommy Thompson is annoying me more with every answer.

Brownback: I'm a cruel woman for saying this, and I am in no way saying that this guy is a creepy alleged child molester, but he kinda looks like JMK, that guy who said he killed JBR (the dead girl whose dad is dating that other missing probably dead girl's mom). And actually, I don't think Clinton (Bill) has been that bad as an ex-pres. Carter, on the other hand, has been most likely the worst president ever and the worst ex-president ever. Yeah, I said it.

Tancredo: Are they keeping him at the kiddie table? That's the first time they let him talk? He looks mad. Also, I agree. I'd tell Bush to stay away from my house. I'm not a racist, and he's not my friend anymore.

Huckabee talks like a pastor or preacher (the hand motions are correct).

Duncan Hunter: Would pardon Ramos and Compean. I'm ok with considering him as Thompson's running mate.

The Scooter Libby thing: I was surprised that more people didn't come out and say yes right away. Considering the ridiculous sentence, all that "not without looking at the transcript" nonsense. We all know what it was about. Make a decision, yes or no.

At halftime: McCain and Giuliani don't look any better to me than they already did. Huckabee and Hunter looked fine when I saw them. I like Hunter's answers for sure. I've known all along that I'd like to see him run with Fred so Romney is fine I guess but nothing special.

Well, anyway, we screwed up trying to do something special on the Tivo and lost the townhall portion of the debate. I was enjoying snarking it. Not American Idol fun, mind you. Whatever. Fred.

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