Man bites dog to rescue puppy.

And here, I didn't even realize Professor Reynolds was Chinese.

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Obama thinks that people with cancer are funny.

So, time to make things up.

BAD THINGS 'BOUT OBAMA

* Any time you get Obama talking about any subject, he starts bringing up facts about serial killers. That guy just won't stop talking about how impressive serial killers are.

* If he can't become president, Obama would like to be a telemarketer.

* Obama thinks the minimum age for snorting coke off strippers should be five.

* You don't want to hear what Obama said about your mom. It was true, but he didn't have to say it.

* Obama owns over twenty cats and his home smells weird.

* Obama plans to vote for Hillary Clinton.

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(A Filthy Lie)

Since Instapundit recently celebrated his 5th blogiversay, I thought it would be a good time to conduct an interview with Glenn Reynolds, so as to separate man from myth with this legendary blogger.

Unfortunately, Glenn had neither the time nor the inclination to answer my questions, so I put a pair of glasses on a teddy bear, sat him on a blankie, queried him at length, and used one of the many voices in my head to supply the answers.

Figured it wouldn't be TOO different from the real thing.

GLENN: Not true. Some of the evilest people in the world use "heh". For example, terrorists frequently say "Allah Akbar!" before blowing up school buses full of kids, which actually means "heh" in whatever monkey-jabber language it is they speak.

HARVEY: Why is your blog named "Instapundit"?

GLENN: Simple linguistics - "insta" means "really fast", "pun" is something that's funny in a pathetic sort of way, and "dit" is the spoken representation of the dot - the shorter of the two signals used in telegraph code. So - short, fast, funny, pathetic... all words women have used to describe my performance. I just sort of combined them.

HARVEY: What blogs do you read regularly?

GLENN: Including Instapundit?

HARVEY: Yes.

GLENN: Just Ann Althouse.

HARVEY: You DON'T read Instapundit?

GLENN: READ it? I don't even proofread it! That blog is just the result of Thunderbird-addled baboons poking randomly at keyboards & hitting the "I'm Feeling Lucky" button on Google. Then I have a mildly retarded parrot add a link to whatever pops up.

HARVEY: So it's a lot like a Kos "Open Thread" post?

GLENN: Yes, but with slightly less frothing Bush-hatred, and better spelling.

HARVEY: What made you decide to go to law school?

GLENN: Daily beatings from my parents.

HARVEY: You were a victim of child abuse?

GLENN: Victim? NO!... the beatings were a reward. I like that sort of thing. Doesn't everybody?

HARVEY: So... when you punched Frank J. that one time...

GLENN: Right. I was telling him to keep up the great blogging work. The boy's got talent. Unlike YOU, who I wouldn't even poke in the eye with a sharp stick.

HARVEY: Are you planning a sequel to your runaway best-seller "An Army of Davids"?

GLENN: Yes, this September, I'll be releasing "An Army of Destructo-bots: How Killer Robots Empower Ordinary Evil Overlords to Beat Any Rag-Tag Army of Misfits Those Pathetic Davids Can Raise". By the way, if you haven't already, you should buy my book. I need money. Those Destructo-bots aren't going to build themselves.

HARVEY: Why should people help you to enslave the human race?

GLENN: If you buy "An Army of Davids", you get a free coupon for a swift and merciful death. Everyone else has to listen to a Glenn & Helen Podcast as the Destructo-bot slowly crushes the life out of their bodies. MUAHAHA... I mean... heh.

HARVEY: Ok... well... that wraps up this interview. I'm gonna go run out and buy me a copy of that "Armada of Duckies" thing so that your shrieky, pteradactyl-like voice isn't the last sound I hear. Thank you for your time, Mr. Reynolds, and keep up the great blogging work.

GLENN: Thanks... um... aren't you going to punch me now?

HARVEY: Sorry. I'm saving it for Frank J.... besides, I wouldn't hit a bear with glasses.

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(A Filthy LIe)

After returning from his recent vacation, Glenn Reynolds said:

I think the blog actually improves when I go away!

Is that really true? Let's think about it...

* Fewer creepy pictures of Glenn showing off his flexibility by licking his own toes.

* Less Ann Althouse material when she's actually guest-blogging.

* No drunken boasting about how he "taught Johnny Cochran his mad rhyming skillz"

* Don't have to see that Michael-Moore-lookin' Porkbusters pig.

* No tiresome WKC vs. AKC smoothies debates.

BETTER WITH GLENN

* If Glenn doesn't leave, we don't have to suffer through that obviously-bought-off-a-website "What I Did On My Vacation" essay when he returns.

* Always have a handy reference if you're not sure how to spell "heh".

* Or "update".

* All you have to do to get an Instalanche is give "Army of Davids" a positive review - and sign your e-mail with your Communist Party membership number.

* When Glenn leaves town, the "Page 3 Girl" pic doesn't always get updated.

By the way, Army of Davids is a great book.

82634896

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(A Filthy Lie)

Wait... that post title should read "Instapundit Turns Five", since his 5th blogiversary is coming August 8th.

Oh well. No time for the backspace key. Besides, I'm sure the original title will be accurate eventually.

Meanwhile, I figured I should get the guy a thoughtful gift, so as to curry his favor, allowing me to betray him after he accepts me into his confidence. Knowing how busy Glenn is what with his blogging, podcasting, book-pimping, hobo-murdering, etc., I thought I'd get him "Executive Decision-Making Dice".

Since the traditional gift for a fifth anniversary is wood, and I figure Glenn's too busy to throw TWO dice, I'm going to hand-make him a wooden 12-sider. It's a work in progress, but here's what I've got so far:

(click to enlarge)

If you have any suggestions for the other six sides, let me know.

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(A Filthy Lie)

I was browsing Instapundit and noticed that he recently took a trip to a brewery.

Odd... Glenn's into energy drinks, not alcohol...

Then I remembered how popular the Red Bull & Vodka mix is, and it occurred to me that Glenn might be arranging with the Downtown Grill & Brewery to start making some sort of puppy shake & beer hybrid.

Sure enough, I was right. Notice the label on that bottle near the bottom of the picture (circled in red):

(click to enlarge)

Here's a close-up:

(click to enlarge)

If you're out drinking in Knoxville, be sure to enunciate when you order your beer.

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(A Filthy Lie)

You may not know this, but before blackmailing his way into a tenured position as a law professor at the University of Tennessee, Glenn Reynolds was head of his own law firm (Reynolds, Duzzy, Cheatham and Howe). Some accomplishments of note during those years include:

* Pioneered the "I'm not wearing a tie at all!" defense, later made famous by Lionel Hutz.

* Pioneered the rhyming defense (later made famous by Johnny Cochran) for the Rodney King beating case: "Because they're white, what they did was all right".

* Discovered flaws in Einstein's Theory of Relativity, thus making the 48-billable-hours day possible.

* Whipped up puppy smoothies during trials so as to make his clients appear comparatively less heinous.

* Installed irritating extra-buzzy flourescent lights at the office. Giggled as the number of workplace shooting incidents skyrocketed.

* Got the Scopes monkey acquitted on appeal.

* Successfully sued himself for sexual harrassment based on several incidents of staring, pointing, and laughing at his wang in the restroom.

* Took malfunctioning office fax machine out into a field and smashed it with a baseball bat as seen in Michael Moore's documentary "Office Space 9/11".

* Improved collection rates on overdue Accounts Receivable by feeding deadbeat clients to carnivorous office plants.

* Improved courtroom win-loss record by doing the same with prosecuting attorneys.

* Stopped filing "frivolous" lawsuits. Started filing "Super Happy Lucky Fun" lawsuits.

* Saved thousands of dollars in contempt-of-court fines by installing covert "witness teleprompters" in his eyeglasses.

* Cut jury-tampering expenses by 91.6% by switching to judge-tampering.

* Won a hefty alimony settlement for Michael Jackson's old nose when it divorced his face.

* Linked to every legal brief ever filed by Ann Althouse.

* Cleared President Bush of slander charges by proving that New York Times reporter Adam Clymer really WAS a major-league a**hole.

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(A Filthy Lie)

Like Michelle Malkin, Glenn Reynolds gets his fair share of venomous missives from unbalanced readers.

Unlike Michelle Malkin, surprisingly few of them are crude slurs about being a woman or a minority. Most of it is revolves around a perceived dearth of Instalanching, like this typical example:

"Why won't you link me??? Why don't you answer my e-mails??? After all the cool links I've sent you, you OWE ME!!! I HATE YOU!!! You're a stink-butt poopy-head, that's what you are!!!

PS You can make it up to me by linking this cool post I did on the Semite menace."

Aside from the "where's my link?" theme, however, the rest of his mail tends to fall into one of the several categories listed below:

* Cease & Desist orders from the Precious Moments people regarding his line of "Satanic Moments" figurines - especially that "Hobo, Bloody Hobo", which is particularly nastly.

* PeTA (People Eating Tasty Animals) berating Glenn for drinking animals, which is just sick and inhumane.

* Long, obscenity-laced screeds from angry mothers who bought Glenn's adult movie "Tramp of the Penguins" by mistake.

* The American Nudist Association trying to talk Glenn into joining their "Best of Blogging" organization: "Sleeping Naked Media".

* Rejection letters from Fox saying they're STILL not interested in producing his show "So You Think You Can Robot Dance".

* University of Tennessee frat boys sending death threats for selling them fake Spanish Fly. Usually containing the line "You said these were spurious. They didn't spur her on at all!".

* E-mails addressed to "Professor Reynolds" wanting to know if he ever nailed Ginger while he was stuck on that island.

* Or Gilligan.

Usually from Laurence Simon.

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(A Filthy Lie)

In a recent Instapundit post, Glenn Reynolds mused thusly:

THE GLENN AND HELEN SHOW has been downloaded over 10 million times now. If we got just a dollar per download....

Which made me wonder... why would Glenn need $10 million?

I think the answer is fairly obvious... (see extended entry)

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(A Filthy Lie)

Recently at Instapundit, Glenn Reynolds opined:

Personally, I've always blamed the armadillo. Nasty creatures, armadillos. They carry leprosy, you know.

Seems like he's over-reacting a bit, doesn't it? Like he's got some sort of personal grudge against armadillos?

I wonder if this has anything to do with... (see extended entry)

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(A Filthy Lie)

On Tuesday, June 6th of this year, the date will be 6-6-6, which means nothing to atheists like myself, but for Christians it has some evil, Satanic connotations.

And since Evil Glenn is Satan's #1 fan, ya gotta figure he's got some kind of celebratory activities planned.

My guesses:

* Invite Michelle Malkin over for minced-kitten brownies & puppy shakes.

* Make up a Rocky-Horror-style script of things to yell at the screen while watching "The Omen".

* Yes, that will include some made-up songs where he robot-dances in a black teddy & stockings.

* Hold a hobo-murderthon to raise money for Soldier's Angels. Recommended donation - a buck a bum.

* Launch doomsday missile while shrieking insane laughter.

* Direct the remake of Serenity with a politically correct script.
MAL: "I aim to misbehave."
ZOE: "But Mal! You might hurt someone's feelings!"
MAL: "Didn't think about that. I better put myself in time-out until I calm down a mite.

* Go to a local park and blow up 62 hobos with illegal fireworks. If caught, claim that it was a celebration of the 62nd anniversary of D-Day.

* Sign up for classes to get his doctorate in Mad Science.

* Set off Cthulhu's alarm clock so that he'll be dead but awake.

* THAT'LL show that stupid, lazy elder-God.

* On-line Ouija board marathon!.

* Smugly admit to Frank J. that HE'S the one who's been re-programming his fruit-picking robots to turn on their human masters.

* Pilfer the demon currently possessing Helen Thomas for his own personal use.

* Just give up and let the voices in his head take over.

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(A Filthy Lie)

You may have noticed that - from time to time - John Hawkins of Right Wing News will re-post an entry from IMAO in its entirety.

Which is fine with us.

It's not that we condone plagiarism (we're NOT the New York Times), but it's because of the sweet kickbacks he gives us. Usually scotch & hookers.

Except for Frank, who gets paid with sacks of monkey skulls, which he uses to decorate the altar of his Zatoichi shrine.

However, I recently got an e-mail from John, saying that he'd maxed out his tab at Leroy's House O' Ho's, and asked if we'd take an interview with Glenn Reynolds as payment, instead. John's a good guy, so I said "yes". I'm just hoping Frank will be too busy working on his In My World book to notice the absence of simian craniums in the mail this week.

Anyway, here's the interview:

GLENN: HEAVENS no! Exposing hairy man-boobs is ALWAYS a bad idea, which explains the pathetic sales of Michael Moore's documentary "Bowling for Fat Guys in Speedos". However, I will confess that - in the pursuit of pedagogical goals - I have been known to don a costume on occasion.

JOHN: So you're saying that you dressed as a Catholic priest?

GLENN: I said "pedagogical"! Try using a dictionary for something besides propping up the short leg of the sofa.

JOHN: Actually, that's what I use "An Army of Davids" for. Anyway, I want to hear more about these costumes of yours.

GLENN: Well, it all started when I was re-evaluating a data study from the Center for Applied Psychological Hermeneutics, which discovered that between 56% and 58% of over 16,000 freshman students at three state universities were...

JOHN: ...probably as bored as I am. Can we get to the costumes?

GLENN: You have the attention span of a caffeinated ferret.

JOHN: Still bored, here.

GLENN: Fine. There was this costume:

that I wore for a class called "Civil Suit Alchemy - Turning Pain Into Gold". Students were told to find grounds to sue Superman.

JOHN: Impossible! He's the ultimate Boy Scout! He won't even fly across the street against a red light!

GLENN: True, but with a good expert witness, you can convince a jury that his X-ray vision gave your client cancer.

JOHN: You have no conscience.

GLENN: Lawyer.

JOHN: Touché. So what else have you worn?

GLENN: Same class, next day:

JOHN: So you want to sue elves for making defective Christmas toys?

GLENN: Ya know, a lot of first-year law students make that same mistake. But when you sue, you should always go for the target with the deepest pockets. Thus the title of the lecture: "When In Doubt, Sue Santa".

JOHN: How do you sleep at night?

GLENN: On a mattress stuffed with contingency fees.

JOHN: Any other costumes?

GLENN: Well, I often wear this one when I discuss Marbury v. Madison during my lecture on the Federal separation of powers:

JOHN: What do penguins have to do with...

GLENN: WHOOPS! How'd THAT one get in there!... Hey! Look at the time. I gotta go!

JOHN: Well, thanks for taking the time to share the cobwebby inner darkness of your soul with us, Glenn.

Join me next week when the Travelocity gnome explains why he'd rather fly a lawn chair into a set of stadium lights than ride with a Kennedy.

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(A Filthy Lie)

Since I firmly believe in watching the watchers, I've bugged the NSA office and overheard the following conversation between agents Jack Boot and Eve Drop regarding their efforts to analyze phone records from the major telecom companies:

EVE: Unwad your panties, Jack, it's SIMPLE. All ya gotta do is just twist the data to fit your agenda and you can prove that ANYONE is evil.

JACK: Sorta like how the Democratic Underground trolls keep "proving" that Bush is Hitler?

EVE: Exactly... Here, let me pick a name at random and show you how it's done... AH! This Glenn Reynolds fellow will do...

JACK: Instapundit? But he's a right-wing warmonger! He doesn't fit the profile!

EVE: Look, strip-club-visiting muslims don't fit the profile either - except for the 9/11 hijackers! Ya gotta be willing to follow the evidence wherever it leads, even if you have to drag it kicking & screaming to get it there. Now, let's look at his phone records.

JACK: Here's a call to a "Mrs. Reynolds" in another city. Probably his mother.

EVE: AHA! Obviously calling to tell her goodbye before his terrorist suicide mission!

JACK: It was on Mother's Day. EVERYONE called their mother on Mother's Day... except NSA agents who had their mothers killed [gives Eve an accusatory glance]

EVE: She knew too much!... Anyway, that Reynolds is a crafty devil, timing his call like that so that we wouldn't be suspicious! Which is the most suspicious thing you can do.

JACK: Not as suspicious at THIS group of calls... must be a hundred of 'em to someone named HP. Who the heck is HP?

EVE: GOTTA be Hezbollah of Palestine! No other organization has those initials!

JACK: What about Hamas of Palestine?

EVE: That cagey BASTARD! Trying to throw us a curve with a dual-use acronym!

JACK: Either way, he's got terrorist connections. Now all we have to do is figure out where he plans to strike & how.

EVE: Hmmm... a call to Black & Decker... coffee maker division...

JACK: Of COURSE! He's going to use the timer from the coffee maker as a bomb trigger! It's the ONLY explanation! EVERYONE knows that obscenely rich best-selling authors normally only drink Starbucks coffee that's been hand-delivered by illegal Mexicans!

EVE: You mean Canadians - there are some jobs that are so demeaning that even Mexicans won't do them.

BOB McKENZIE: Here's yer coffee, eh? That'll be, like, 5 beers?

EVE: Here's a six-pack and a toque. Keep the change.

BOB McKENZIE: Beauty! I'm gonna take off, eh?

EVE: Yeah, get outta here, freak...Anyway, Jack, we know HOW he'll strike, but that information is useless unless we know the target...

JACK: Wait... I see a pattern here... he's called the Memphis Canine Rescue Shelter every day for the last... well... since the telephone was invented.

EVE: That MONSTER! Targeting innocent puppies! What sort of deranged freak would want to explode puppies into a thick - almost drinkable - liquid?

JACK: Who cares? All that matters is that we now have undeniable proof of his insidious plot! The evidence is rock solid! This one's a slam...

[phone rings]

EVE: NSA Civilian Entrapment Project. Eve Drop speaking... uh huh... uh huh... oh... oh, I see... thank you...

[hangs up]

JACK: ...DUNK! He's going down like a Kennedy driving an Oldsmobile into a lake!

EVE: Bad news. That was the Director. Seems that this phone number database we've been using is phony. BellSouth, AT&T, Verizon... they ALL deny giving us any information. Seems that only telecom that provided us with anything was Bell Alliance. We've been had.

JACK: DAMN! Now Reynolds is going to get away scott free! Just like a Kennedy driving an Oldsmobile into a lake!

EVE: Calm down, Jack... sooner or later, he'll make another mistake. We'll nail him eventually...

JACK: So... wanna hack into John Murtha's credit record and put in some unpaid escort service bills?

EVE: Jack, I *love* the way you think...

...always watching...

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(A Filthy Lie)

All he does is spend 90 minutes pimping his new book:

(click to enlarge)

On the other hand, I kinda like his new intro music, which is a dozen bars of "How Much Is That Doggie In the Window?" that's cut short by the sound of a blender on "liquefy".

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(A Filthy Lie)

Five years ago, at a Las Vegas Furry Convention, Glenn Reynolds met the love of his life, Bonita Bunny:

(click to enlarge)

Today they live in Memphis with their three children:

(click to enlarge)

You may have noticed that Glenn lets his kids guest-post from time to time.

[top pic courtesy of Cadet Happy]

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(A Filthy Lie)

Strange events are said to signal the end of the world.

Which is a bad thing, unless you're a supernatural evil entity who plans to rule during the coming dark age.

Or Glenn Reynolds, which is pretty much the same thing.

When he's not "Indeed"-ing his way through yet ANOTHER link to some legal-mumbo-jumbo-filled Ann Althouse post, he's actively working to bring about the Apocalypse. Here are some signs to watch for:

* Instapundit(.blogspot.com) endorses Hillary for president in 2008 based on her endorsement of a "free healthcare for bloggers" program.

* PajamasMedia unveils its new open-bathrobe logo and changes its name to FlasherMedia.

* Glenn Reynolds answers the only honest e-mail from Nigeria and rakes in seven million dollars.

* Instapundit(.blogspot.com) becomes a group blog featuring Plague, War, Death, Famine, and Laurence Simon.

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(A Filthy Lie)

When Glenn received a copy of "King Dork" in the mail, his secretary wondered if someone was maybe trying to tell him something.

Which leads me to wonder what I should send to drop him a hint. A sort of subtle intervention, as it were.

For example...

This book says "it's time for you to get some help for your liquified canine addiction":

***

This book says "your last human sacrifice managed to leave a trail of clues, although you would've gotten away with it if it handn't been for those meddling kids."

***

This book says, "if you're going to practice a religion, then practice it religiously."

***

This giant flag featuring every protester's favorite dead 3-letter-name commie says "Mao is SOOOOOO 20th century. Get hip. Get trendy. Get sex from slutty hippy chicks. Get Che."

***

This book says "if you're going to punch Frank J., for Heaven's sake, do it right."

***

This CD says "how you dance is none of our business, but please do it in the privacy of your own home".

***

This 2006 Calendar says "I won't judge you, even though I disagree with your 'choice of lifestyle'"

***

And finally, this T-shirt says "wear one of these, and people will stop calling you King Dork."

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(A Filthy Lie)

Saw this at Reynolds' site:

my younger brother worked as an assistant there, boiling down corpses in turpentine with his grad-student girlfriend. Now that's an exciting weekend...

Giving his hobo-murdering habits, this one isn't TOO surprising, but it does make me wonder what ELSE this guy does for fun.

Unfortunately I found out. Turn's out he's going to be spending THIS weekend at a ski resort in Vail, Colorado, indulging in one of his favorite recreational sports:

EXTREME PUPPY BLENDING!

Now that's an exciting weekend...

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(A Filthy Lie)

While surfing Instapundit, I was stopped dead in my tracks by this line:

"I've been hanging out with my grandmother, and enjoying it."

Odd. Outside of eating her chocolate chip cookies, I never enjoyed MY grandmother's company. Although her habit of balancing her dentures on her nose, tossing them up in the air, and catching them in her mouth may have had something to do with it.

Anyway, turns out that there are two reasons Glenn enjoys visiting Granny so much.

First, she always takes him out hobo-hunting:

"Look! It's Nick Nolte! Let's get 'im!"

Second, Elly May is totally freakin' HOT!

Now before you go "EWWWW! She's his cousin! That's just WRONG!", just be relieved that it's not his sister.

Not that THAT matters in Tennessee.

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(A Filthy Lie)

Sure, you know about the puppy blending, hobo-murdering, Satan-worshipping, commie praising, robot dancing, Frank J. punching, and penguin porn, but here are some things you DIDN'T know about Glenn Reynolds:

* Glenn Reynolds writes Garfield fan-strips, all of which end with Odie getting stuffed into a blender.

* They're STILL less predictable than the ones Jim Davis writes.

* You know that asteroid belt between Mars & Jupiter? That used to be a planet until Glenn Reynolds thought about linking to it.

* The KKK was completely harmless until Glenn Reynolds suggested that they put eye-holes in their hoods.

* Spammers originally got the idea for sending out a million e-mails per day by watching Glenn Reynolds post at Instapundit.

* It was Glenn Reynolds who first said to William Hung - "You've got talent. Go audition for American Idol."

* Satan's biggest fear is that he'll have to spend eternity with Glenn Reynolds after he dies.

* Glenn Reynolds' glasses are the only thing keeping his laser vision from incinerating the universe.

* Glenn Reynolds once deflected a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick by thinking about linking to it.

* Glenn Reynolds murdered Socrates by telling him his cup of hemlock was actually a Starbucks Iced White Chocolate Macchiato

* Nuclear bombs fear Glenn Reynolds going off on them.

* There's more than one way to skin a cat, and they were all discovered by Glenn Reynolds.

* Glenn Reynolds is the leader of the terrorist group Hehmas.

* One drop of Glenn Reynolds' bath water contains enough residual evil to de-sanctify Vatican City.

* Puppy blood is the secret ingredient in Insta-Cola.

* When CNN interviews Glenn Reynolds, they have to put special filters on the camera lenses, lest TV viewers be turned to stone.

* As for the fate of the audience in the studio... now you know where garden gnomes come from.

* Glenn Reynolds' remote control only has one button. When he presses it, his TV automatically tunes to the evilest show available.

* Usually "Full House".

* Glenn Reynolds' printer is a Hewlett-Packed BloodJet model 900.

* Spelling "Glenn Reynolds" on a Scrabble board will summon the demon Atazoth who - legends say - will exact retribution on the Overworld by getting Hillary elected in '08.

* Google recently changed their motto to "Don't be Glenn Reynolds".

* Glenn Reynolds personally hand-stitched Janet Jackson's Superbowl outfit.

* The blind leading the blind isn't so bad... Glenn Reynolds likes leading them into traffic during rush hour.

* In Glenn Reynolds' DVD collection, "Schindler's List" is filed under "Comedy", right between "Saw 2" and "Scream".

* Glenn Reynolds taught Senator Palpatine how to do that fingertip-lightning thing.

* The Lemarchand Box in "Hellraiser" is a device used by Cenobites to summon Glenn Reynolds.

* Glenn Reynolds never thought about linking to Martha Stewart, but he DID send her an e-mail on December 26, 2001, that was completly blank except for the word "Sell".

* Glenn Reynolds introduced Bill to Monica.

* Good things come to those who wait - unless Glenn Reynolds steals them first.

* Glenn Reynolds never actually punched Frank J. - he got Frank J. to punch himself by thinking about linking to him.

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I should mention that I have my copy of Army of Davids I ordered from Amazon. I just started reading it, and I was absent from the acknowledgements (!) and he starts the book by talking about brewing beer (yeah, beer; sure). According to a scan of the index, there is nothing in it about puppies or blenders, so I guess the editors sanitized it. Most of the footnotes are simply "Heh" or "Indeed," and each bibliographical reference is followed by the phrase "Read the whole thing." So far, I don't think reading Glenn Reynolds’s book has caused the devil to possess me, but I'll be sure to monitor that as I read more.

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(A Filthy Lie)

In an apparent effort to clean up his image, Glenn Reynolds hired a Public Relations agent to try to spin his image so he doesn't look quite so much like the blackhearted dominar of the blogosphere that we all know him to be. Here's a transcript of the CNN "On The Story" interview with info-hottie Abbi Tatton:

TWIST: Pleasure to be here with you today, since I really dig chicks with big hair. Anyone ever tell you that you look a little like Monica Lewinsky?

ABBI: [giggles] Flatterer!... but seriously, what's up with that puppy blending thing?

TWIST: A rumor wrapped in a falsehood inside a distortion. While Mr. Reynolds DOES frequently put puppies in blenders and grind them into a bloody pulp, it has nothing to do with the supposed "consuming their cuteness for energy" that's usually ascribed to it. He only does it to prevent the spread of Bird Flu. This dangerous disease threatens all of humanity and recently jumped from birds to weasels. Reynolds discovered that it's now affecting dogs:

and he's just trying to save the world from disease-ridden mutants, sort of like when Darth Vader blended the Jedi Younglings in Star Wars Episode III in an attempt to save the Old Republic.

ABBI: I see... what about the Robot Dancing?

TWIST: Glenn Reynolds believes in celebrating multicultural diversity, and as part of his Black History Month festivities, he showcased several dance styles - like the Robot Dance - made popular by great African-American entertainers like MC Hammer, Michael Jackson, Vanilla Ice, and Donny Osmond. It's his way of fighting back against racism.

ABBI: But doesn't he usually do his Robot Dancing while praising communists?

TWIST: You know, Abbi, great African-American leaders such as Dr. Martin Luther King were also frequently smeared as communists by the racist right-wing media, and I'm disappointed by your crass perpetuation of this bigoted myth. Thank God for the pioneering work of Mr. Reynolds. With his help, the healing can finally begin.

ABBI: What about the Satan-worshipping?

TWIST: Another attempt at prejudicial fear-mongering. His religious services are frequently described as "Black masses in service of the Prince of Darkness", but surely you can see that "black" and "darkness" are just racist code-words used by the white Republican power structure to promote negative stereotypes against our melanin-enhanced brethren.

ABBI: So you're saying President Bush is a skinhead Neo-Nazi because he worships God?... Well, I guess that explains why he blew up the levees in New Orleans... What about Glenn's habitual punching of Frank J.? Is that a symbolic blow against the white Republican power structure?

TWIST: No, it's just fun to make Frank J. cry like a girl.

ABBI: I see... Well, that's all the time we have today. Join us next week here at "On The Story" when superstar blogger Michelle Malkin will be sharing her recipe for minced kitten brownies.

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(A Filthy Lie)

When Instapundit covered the "Ricin in Texas" story, he was amazingly quick to dismiss it as nothing.

Which makes wonder how he knows so much about illicit items such as this that he could confirm or deny its legitimacy from a thousand miles away. Isn't that more knowledge than a simple country lawyer should have?

Made me wonder what he's been up to, so I tossed his house while he was out pimping his book, and although I didn't find any chemical or biological weapons, I *did* find the following suspicious items:

* An original vintage 1960's Easy Bake Meth Lab.

* A copy of John Wayne Gacy's "Clowning For Dummies".

* A Samurai sword forged in 593 B.C., with the metal in the blade folded over 200 times.

* A first edition of "To Serve Man", in the original Kanamit.

* The shrunken head of Steven Den Beste.

* Twenty seven eight-by-ten colour glossy photographs with circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one explaining what each one was.

* Michele Malkin's minced kitten brownie recipe.

* A "Tickle Me Osama" doll.

* A small vial of something which I did not smell, and therefore assume to be Iocane powder.

All I have to do now is figure out what he plans to do with all this stuff...

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(A Filthy Lie)

Discovery Channel has a show called "Mythbusters" wherein special-effects experts Adam Savage and Jamie Hyneman examine popular urban legends, constructing elaborate experiments to determine whether they have any basis in fact. For example, if you use a bullet in place of one of your truck's fuses, can it go off and shoot you?

Recently, Adam & Jamie undertook one of their most intriguing investigations to date: Does the cuteness of a puppy actually effect its potency as an energy drink, as claimed by Glenn Reynolds?

First, test puppy A:

Wow! That's one ugly puppy!

After thorough blending:

The beverage was fed to an anonymous test subject, known only as F.J:

Hmmm... doesn't look too energetic...

Next, test puppy B:

Blend! Blend! Blend:

What does F.J. think about this one?

And there you have it folks, Glenn Reynolds was right: "the cuter the puppy, the better the energy drink"

Be sure to check out Mythbusters next week when they investigate whether worshipping Satan can make your crappy book rise to #1 at Amazon.

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(A Filthy Lie)

During a recent interview on CNN, Glenn took the Legacy Media to task for not showing the infamously offensive Muhammed cartoons, saying "I think when you cover things up, you let people's imaginations run wild, and the results are often worse than if you expose things. The press is there to tell us things, not to hide things from us."

Ironically, CNN proved Glenn's point by omitting the portion of the interview where Glenn held up this controversial political cartoon:

Also omitted was footage of journalists rioting outside the building after the interview, where an ugly puppet of Reynolds was burned in effigy.

I know I'm risking my life by posting these pictures, but if I don't, then the journalists win.

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(A Filthy Lie)

After this controversial picture of a young girl holding a stuffed puppy appeared on the CENTCOM web site, the leader of the Instapundslam religion, Imam Glenn al-Reynolds, issued a fatwa condeming the image:

"The central tenet of Instapundslam is that puppies should be blended to make potent energy drinks for the blogging faithful. It is blasphemy of the highest order to depict them in any form that is either adorable or unblended. This cuddly manifestation of our sacred power source is an affront to our beliefs. We demand an apology and the immediate pureeing of this unholy fluff-filled icon. Hmmm. Heh. Jihad. Indeed."

Imam Glenn al-Reynolds

The heart-warming image of the loveable tot and her cherished toy has provoked uncontrolled rioting and robot-dancing world-wide by outraged Instapundslamists.

Blogger Michelle Malkin denounced the fatwa as "the fevered rantings of a power-hungry, Satan-worshipping, hobo-murdering madman", and encouraged bloggers everywhere to protest al-Reynolds' pronouncement by posting pictures of themselves snuggling with stuffed animals and sending a trackback to her site.

"Honestly," said Malkin, taking a bite of a brownie made from minced kittens, "what kind of wacky religion would drink blended puppies?"

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(A Filthy Lie)

Sometimes I really regret signing up for Instapundit's mailing list. Every day it seems like my inbox is bogged down with notices about his latest illicit get-rich-quick scheme.

Like this one, for example:

Now that Google has cast aside its foolish "core belief" of "don't be evil", I've been able to partner with them to bring you:

ILLOOGLE!™

A clearinghouse for information on all the illegal, immoral, questionable, offensive, and/or downright shady products and services offered by Evil Glenn Industries, Inc.

With the power of Illoogle™, you'll have access to:

Pup-A-Mule - Tired of risking your loved ones' lives by having them swallow heroin balloons? With Pup-A-Mule, you can turn any puppy into your own personal 4-legged drug importation vector. Kit comes with surgical steel scalpel, Ziploc brand re-sealable HeroIn Bags, and Arrow brand tummy-stapler for post-insertion closure.

Legal Notice: Not responsible for personal injury due to unremoved tummy-staples in puppy shakes.

Sacra-Hobo - Need a human sacrifice to appease your Satanic master's need for fresh blood? You could shop your local Screen Actors Guild Union Hall (it's not like anyone would miss a Tim Robbins or two), but why not let us deliver a US Grade A Government Select hobo right to your door, instead? Bound, gagged, and pre-inebriated to reduce struggling, these pathetic creatures are accepted as payment on soul-for-power contracts by most major evil deities.

Legal Notice: Be sure to check your soul-for-power contract for specific terms and conditions. Not responsible for unspeakable afterlife torturings resulting from contract breaches.

Mo-ha-ha-ha-med - Live in a country that's caved in to terrorist demands to censor cartoons that make fun of Islamic prophets? Look no further than the Mo-ha-ha-ha-med web portal, where you can find all the funniest portrayals of the head-choppingest, child-bride-takingest, bomb-for-a-turbinest prophet that ever wrote a Koran. Don't let YOUR cowardly government control what you can and can't see. Use Mo-ha-ha-ha-med and take a firm stand for free speech!

Legal Notice: Not responsible for renegade JOOOOOOS! having fatwahs issued against them.

CommieTruth.com - Ok, I lied. Screw free speech. APPROVED speech is where it's at. CommieTruth.com is the only search engine guaranteed to provide the 100% capitalist-pig-opinion-free information that my Maoist masters feel that it's safe for you to know. After all, those guys are smart enough to oppress 1.3 billion people. You've probably never even oppressed a goldfish, so who the hell are YOU to say that rude little Tiananmen Square rumor is true? Huh? HUH?... that's what I thought... you just keep your yap shut, little man.

Legal Notice: YAY! Commies!

Sa-Tan-A-Rama Soul-For-Power Contracts
Hmmm, Heh, & Indeed - Shysters at Law
Frank J. Punchers Anonymous
Ann Althouse hOt aMaTeUr Webcam
Pez! Pez! Pez! (from the makers of Soylent Green)

Plus hundreds of other specialty sites, only available through:

ILLOOGLE!™

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(A Filthy Lie)

Did you see Instapundit's post on the New Horizons probe that was launched toward Pluto? He seemed quite indifferent about the whole thing, which is - for a dweeby techno-geek like him - VERY suspicious.

Thanks to some NSA eavesdropping transcripts, I found out why Glenn was trying to avoid drawing attention to the launch beforehand. He had a sinister plot for using the New Horizons ship for his own nefarious purposes. Specifically, he's going to use it to murder hobos to curry favor with Satan in order to maintain his position as the most powerful blogger in the world (as foretold by The Prophet Frank J.).

Yeah, I know how unbelievable it sounds, but I have proof. Glenn sketched out his plan on the back of a napkin during a recent trip to the Memphis Zoo. I stole it while he was busy staring at the penguins & mumbling something about "pretty, pretty feathers".

Evidence in the extended entry with Glenn's notes in italics...

---

1) Steal super-secret S.M.I.T.E. technology from Frank J. and use it to build the Space Platform for Hobo Elimination, Removal, and Eradication (S.P.H.E.R.E.)

2) Sneak S.P.H.E.R.E. aboard New Horizons ship.

3) Have New Horizons ship deploy S.P.H.E.R.E.

4) Murder hobos from space, thus currying favor from Satan and maintaining my cruel stranglehold on the blogosphere.

5) Blog with minimal commentary and link any crappy post I want, with no fear of losing traffic.

---

Yeah, I thought he was already doing that last one, too.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go shave my stubble.

*looks worriedly skyward*

...Close It

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(A Filthy Lie)

After being discovered in Los Angeles surrounded by a pile of recently-sacrificed hobos, Glenn Reynolds underwent a DNA test to see if he was the real killer.

Well, you KNOW what happens to DNA evidence in trials for murders committed in California, so Glenn walked, based on the fact that his hobo-murdering gloves were two sizes too small.

Ah, the power of washing things in hot water.

Nevertheless, I *did* manage to get ahold of a copy of the lab report on Glenn's DNA, from which I compiled (in the extended entry) these:

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(A Filthy Lie)

As his lust for power consumes him, Glenn Reynolds continues to stretch his Empire beyond the blogosphere, and begins to insinuate his corrupting tendrils into the world of print media.

Cover shot of issue #1 in the extended entry...

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(A Filthy Lie)

When I first heard that Glenn Reynolds would be starring as the villain in the new James Bond movie, I thought it was a bad choice. Maybe not as horrid as Richard Kiel's performance as "Jaws", but still...

Anyway, the official poster for the new flick is in the extended entry. Check it out & see if you think Reynolds has any potential.

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(A Filthy Lie)
(WITH PROFUSE APOLOGIES TO THE LATE DR. SEUSS)

...for what's in the extended entry...

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(A Filthy Lie)

When Frank & Sarah get married, there's one thing they'll have to watch out for... (see extended entry)

---

(click to enlarge)

Glenn Reynolds trying to upstage the bride.

Remember, Frank, Sarah will be the pretty one. Try not to get confused.

...Close It

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(A Filthy Lie)

This week's Filthy Lie Assignment was to answer the question:

What was Evil Glenn's connection to the mob that attacked the New York Air desk at Washington National Airport?

Turns out there was no connection at all.

Seems Glenn was just trying to catch a flight to Iraq so that he could share Thanksgiving dinner with the troops, as seen in this completely non-photoshopped image:

The unruly mob?

They all wanted to get tickets to Amazon.com's headquarters in Seattle, so they could... discuss... why their 1-star reviews of Cindy Sheehan's book got deleted:

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(A Filthy Lie)

Recently someone asked me, "Hey Harv, how come you're always picking on Glenn Reynolds? You nursing some kind of grudge for something he's done to you?"

So what else could I do but answer him?...

...With a song...(see extended entry)

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Glenn Reynolds comes right out in the open and says which blender he likes best.

Sure, he doesn't mention the puppy part, but I think we can connect the dots.

[Hat tip to Sarah of That's Not Very Nice! for the heads up]

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(A Filthy Lie)

Glenn Reynolds recently apologized for a spate of light blogging at Instapundit, claiming to be "busy" with his new book. However, recent leaks from Scooter Libby show that he was actually working on a viable "exit strategy" to bring the troops home from Iraq, which the House is voting on tonight. The full text of the strategy follows in the extended entry...

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(A Filthy Lie)

Just got a letter in the mail today:

Since the earliest days of the American Republic, people have looked up into the night sky with awe and wonder, seeking hope and inspiration for their lives as they contemplated the heavenly lights, the most brilliant and uplifting of which is... The Moon.

Yet there are those who - in their desperate quest for filthy profits - would desecrate this sacred symbol of ancient wisdom.

Like Frank J., of IMAO who proudly - PROUDLY! - displays a picture on his site of our precious moon being atomically violated:

This atrocious sight has been clinically proven to induce Post-Traumatic Nuclear Moon Syndrome in those viewing this image. Symptoms of PTNMS include:

* Fear of looking up at the night sky
* Attacking Iraq to steal its oil
* Uncontrollable urges to blow stuff up in order to keep other countries in line.
* Telling filthy lies about greedy lawyers

If you or someone you love exhibits any of these PTNMS symptoms brought on by Frank J's reckless moon abuse, you may be entitled to compensation. Just send an e-mail to EvilGlenn@emptythedeeppockets.com explaining how your life has been decimated by irresponsible luno-nuclear photoshoppery and let me help you along the road to healing.

And MONEY!

[signed]
Glenn Reynolds

Glenn Reynolds is nothing but a vile, avaricious, gold-digger! Show your support for IMAO by buying a Nuke The Moon T-shirt today. $1 from every sale will go directly to the IMAO Moon-Nukers Legal Defense Fund and/or toward buying SarahK shiny, pretty things.

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(A Filthy Lie)

I heard Reynolds produced a new Broadway musical, loosely based on T.S. Eliot's book of poems, "Old Hobo's Book of Puréed Puppies" or something... (see extended entry)

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(A Filthy Lie of sorts)

Laura from Can't Keep Quiet took a look at logo for the Alliance of Free Blogs:

and decided that it looked a lot like a certain Nazi logo:

dropping broad hints along the way that of course a bunch of fascist right-wingers would choose a Nazi symbol to represent their organization.

Being as she's liberal, she is - by definition - completely and inarguably correct in her analysis.

In fact, it's time for Alliance to goose-step out of the closet and go with the logo that we'd REALLY like (see extended entry):

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(A Filthy Lie)

Some of you may have seen this Day By Day cartoon and wondered, "Why does Glenn Reynolds have an alien living at his house?"

Turns out it's not REALLY an alien. It's Phin, from Phin's Blog.

It's all part of Glenn's plan to destroy any bloggers who might threaten his rulership of the blogosphere. His first target, naturally, was IMAO. After all, it WAS Frank J. who first exposed his puppy-blending habit.

So he hired Phin, who - bitter at not being invited to join IMAO - agreed to use his awesome photoshopping powers to destroy IMAO once and for all.

With dreams of vengeance twisting his mind, he developed an image so inhumanly revolting that a single glance would send any IMAO reader screaming into the night, clawing at his eyes, never to return again to the now-accursed URL of www.imao.us.

The only way to defeat Evil Glenn's foul plot is to not view the extended entry...

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(A Filthy Lie)

First Frank brings up the fact that Glenn Reynolds may have switched his blending preference from canine to ursine.

Then Frank gets all sexist by suggesting how incompetent a mob of female assassins would be.

Combining these ideas, I can't help but wonder how Instapundit would be different if Reynolds were a woman.

First, I guess she'd be referred to as "Evil Glennda".

Probably still blend puppies, since dogs are man's best friend, and you know how jealous women can get.

Blending bear cubs? Definitely, since most women think guns are icky, and all American bears are kept armed (it's right there in the Constitution, people).

Yeah, I know SarahK's a woman and she LIKES guns, but she's really pretty and - since you know how jealous women can get - it's just another reason for bear-blending to Glennda.

But would Glennda still be conservative?... Doubtful, since most women are touchy-feely liberals.

Yeah, I know Ann Coulter's conservative, but she's blond and pretty (just like SarahK!) and - since you know how jealous women can get - it implies that Glennda would blend anthing blond or even yellow, like bananas and canaries - possibly with honey, strawberries, dishwater, bleach and/or peroxide.

Mao-worshipping? - Nah. Everyone knows girls like Che Guevera.

Punching Frank J.? Oh HELL yeah! Even pretty girls like SarahK enjoy THAT!

Satan-worshipping? Nah... all chicks are Christians who drag you to boring church services & tell you to read the Bible, then get mad when you start reading the dirty parts, like where Solomon is ogling naked women whose breasts are like clusters of grapes.

Murdering hobos? Well, women DO like that unkempt "bad boy" look, and they seem to prefer men who drink too much (just like SarahK!). Of course, all women eventually DO go crazy and give midnight Bobbitectomies, so I'm not sure whether to count that as murder or not.

Penguin Porn? Women just don't like porn. However they ARE hot for a man in a tux - expecially if he looks like a bad boy & drinks too much. Glennda might watch it if it were one of those soft-core things on Lifetime or Oxygen.

Other than that, probably the only noticable change to Instapundit would be a barely-noticable alteration of the background hue on the site:

Think there'd be any other differences?

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(A Filthy Lie)

If you're one of the few people that still goes to Instapundit, you've probably noticed how pathetic his "about me" post is. Sure, he's got a tiny blurb about "I wrote this & that wonderfully boring piece of tripe, gaze upon my works ye mighty and despair", but he really needs something more... personal. Something to make him seem more human.

Or less INhuman, as the case may be.

So I thought I'd do my part to help the old guy out - since he finally linked the podcast - and recommend some biographical tidbits that he ought to share.

* Glenn got to be the top blogger in the Ecosystem through a series of carefully targeted assassinations, which explains why you never hear about JimmyHoffa.com anymore.

* Glenn invented reusable toilet paper, which, for some reason, never really caught on.

* Except in France.

* Like most bloggers, Glenn composes all his posts longhand using a penguin-quill pen, puppy blood, and hobo-skin parchment.

* Glenn's owns an '88 Yugo with license plate PPBLNDR

* Glenn's incredibly thick geek-glasses were originally a gift from a fat kid who used them to start campfires while stranded on an island with a group of feral boys.

* Glenn's day job is with the law firm of Dewey, Cheatham, and Howe.

* Glenn's first web page was actually a Judy Garland fan site.

* It was later sold to Andrew Sullivan for an undisclosed sum.

* According to Glenn, baby seals "taste just like chicken"

* Glenn owns 7 shirts, 7 ties, 7 pairs of pants, 7 pairs of socks, 7 pairs of underwear, 7 sports coats, and 7 pairs of shoes, all exactly the same. It saves him the trouble of having to decide what to wear on any given day.

* Unfortunately, he keeps grabbing the same set of clothes, much to the dismay of those who have to work with him on Fridays.

* Somewhere a portrait of Glenn is magically growing increasingly old and ugly.

* Glenn owns a very popular chain of fast food joints in Tennessee called "EvilBurger"

* People say the burgers "taste just like chicken."

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(A Filthy Lie)

Have you ever travelled to a foreign country and tried to ask where the bathroom was, only to discover that - in the native monkey-jabber - the words you used actually meant something entirely different? Like you just asked the guy if you could lick his elbow, and then he punches you right in the face and you have to get nine stitches?

I can't be the only one that's happened to.

Anyway, I know that if you go travelling, you'll want to keep in touch with the blog world, so you'll be tempted to mention to a native that you're going to check Instapundit. However, I must warn you that doing so may be fraught with danger. So in an effort to prevent future international incidents, I thought I'd check on what "Instapundit" meant in various foreign languages. Before you open your mouth in some filthy, non-American cesspool of a country, check the list:

Chinese - I enjoy shoving rice up my nose.

Korean - Your hair is quite poofy.

Zulu - I offer three plump goats for your daughter.

Eskimo - My club is too small to kill that baby seal.

Klingon - I have dishonored your family by mating with your mother, who is quite ugly.

Hebrew - Is that shake made with kosher puppies?

Democrat - My taxes are too low. Please raise them with great haste.

Irish - Let's drink and fight!

Kurdish - I miss Saddam.

Portuguese - Ricky Martin! Mmmm... FOXY!

Esperanto - I think we should resort to cannibalism.

Icelandic - With hindsight, I regret licking this flagpole.

Swedish - Are those real?

Thai - Enter my car and I will give you candy.

Italian - Your sister's back hair is quite fetching.

Ukranian - $40 million is too much for such a small nuclear device. You must do better, or I will take my business to Belarus.

Scottish - Is that a bagpipe in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

Canadian - Instapundit, eh?

If I missed any important languages, feel free to leave your translations in the commments.

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(A Filthy Lie)

I knew that Instapundit's been getting worried about Michele Malkin's increasing popularity in the Ecosystem, and I heard a rumor that he was going to start buying BlogAds to keep his traffic up, but I was still a little surprised the first time I saw this:

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(A Filthy Lie)

So I wandered into the IMAO break room for a cup of coffee to find the lovely and talented SarahK sitting there looking glum...

HARV: Mornin' Sarah. You're looking remarkably underweight today. Why so sad?

sarah: i was just thinking that the imao readers give us so much... we should do more to give back to the community... something charitable

HARV: Well, all the writers that Frank adopted have agreed to not take any money so that Frank J. can shower you with sparkly diamonds. That's sorta like charity.

sarah: i like diamonds! they're shiny and pretty! like the eyes of happy children! you should do something for children so that they look more like diamonds.

HARV: I already help children by beating them up and stealing their lunch money, thus forcing them to work harder to earn replacement money, which improves the economy. EVERYBODY wins!

sarah: ummmm.... maybe there's another way to help children. there's an ad here in the paper that says this summer camp is hiring counselors. i'll bet that would make kids happy. you should apply.

HARV: Well... it IS in Iowa, and I *do* need to do some research for that upcoming podcast...

sarah: great!... oh, and if you see frank on your way out, tell him my diamond collection needs polishing.

...so I went to Iowa, passed the interview by virtue of being able to fog a mirror, and soon found myself in the orientation room getting instructions from the leader of the camp - Glenn Reynolds...(continued in extended entry)

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(A Filthy Lie)

I heard a rumor that Glenn Reynolds was writing his biography.

Apparently I was slightly misinformed.

Instead of cranking out some 957-page pile of blathering crap, he managed to condense his life into a single song.

And thanks to a little bit of covert hackery, I've managed to obtain a copy of his little ditty WEEKS before it hits iTunes.

Enjoy.

SYMPATHY FOR GLENN REYNOLDS
(with apologies to the Rolling Stones)
(see extended entry)

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Evil Glenn - NASA Director
(A Filthy Lie)

Rumor has it that Glenn Reynolds has been tapped by NASA to improve our currently-stumbling space program.

His first priority: making sure astronauts don't starve to death if they get stuck in orbit pulling flattened spacemonkeys and other debris off the nose of the shuttle.

Now, we're all well aware of Glenn's preferred energy drink, but the problem is that normal blenders require gravity to keep the puppy in contact with the whirling blades. In a low-gravity environment, the resulting product comes out as a hideous, lumpy mess, not unlike Helen Thomas's face.

(artist's conception of low gravity dog-blending with conventional blender)

To correct this problem, Glenn has invented the zero-gravity puppy blender, as pictured in the extended entry...

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(A Filthy Lie)

Not long ago, Glenn Reynolds mused that he'd be more than happy to sell Instapundit for the bargain price of $145 million dollars.

Naturally he got flooded with offers, so he ran a contest: "Tell why you should be allowed to buy Instapundit in 200 words or less".

Here are some of the responses:

John Bolton - "Once Bush takes his balls out of that little box that Laura keeps them in, he'll FINALLY get around to naming me as ambassador to the UN. I will use the power of Instapundit - and possibly a large wooden mallet - to crush all those stupid foreigners like bugs! LIKE BUGS, I SAY!"

Muzammil Siddiq, Muslim Religious Scholar - "Now that we have issued a fatwa condemning terrorism, we must make this pronouncement be heard from ALL of our most holy sites, including the holiest of all, the site of Imampundit, the most... what?... CRAP!... nevermind..."

Kim Jong Il - "As leader of the #1 dog-consuming nation in the world, what could be more appropriate that having me take control of Ilstapundit and its vast archive of canine-based recipes?"

Condoleezza Rice - "I think Bush might respect me more if I had a powerful blog. Don't get me wrong, I love my job, but I *do* get a little tired of being patted on the head and being called 'my wittle Condi-Wondi'".

Michael Griffin, NASA Administrator - "We just want to own SOMETHING that doesn't have chunks of foam falling off it".

Steve Jobs, Apple CEO - "iNstapundit... got a nice ring to it..."

Bill Gates, Chairman, Microsoft - "The transition to Vistapundit will be seamless, since Reynolds and I both have pretty much the same deal with Satan."

Michael Eisner, Disney CEO - "We haven't had a hit movie since "Monsters, Inc.", and I'm thinking we could at least make a couple bucks with selling T-shirts on this site or something, and... wait... I KNOW!... "Herbie: Fully Blogged"!... It's so hip and trendy that it can't possibly fail!"

Johnny Depp - "I just finished playing a powerful-yet-creepy reclusive iconoclast with a fetish for short, waddling things that all look alike. I'm SO ready to be the new Instapundit."

AND THE WINNER IS... (in the extended entry)

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(A Filthy Lie)

On Monday, July 11th, Instapundit was, for a few brief hours, no longer the #1 blog in the Ecosystem, having been replaced by the 30-times-more-popular "Painless Self Promotion."

(click to enlarge)

The next day, things were back to normal, with Instapundit once again on top, and Painless Self Promotion nowhere to be seen. Almost as though it had never existed.

Well, I was there and I know what happened.

It all started just after we finished taping the round-table segment for the IMAO podcast...

(continued in extended entry)

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(A Filthy Lie)

An excerpt from "Maybe I Shouldn't Have Said That: A Job Hunter's Guide" by Glenn Reynolds (in the extended entry)

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(A Filthy Lie)

In honor of his third blogiversary (July 9th), I thought I should promulgate some important information about Frank J.

It's not always pretty, but the readership deserves to know these:

TOTALLY TRUE TIDBITS ABOUT FRANK J.

Even though Frank J. professes to like guns, he doesn't actually own any. His only weapon is a pair of fingernail clippers.

These were recently confiscated at the airport, so he is now defenseless. Go punch him.

The real reason that SarahK won the IMAO T-shirt babe contest can be deduced from the fact that Frank J. took that now-famous winning picture with his Crotch-Cam.

Frank J. has been known to use third-rate, spam-infested search engines like Alltheweb.com instead of Google when doing research for his Frank Answers posts. This may explain why a question such as "How many parsecs in a light year?" will receive answers like "V!@GR@"

Frank J. has a web site. People visit, receive immense pleasure, and go away. Yet afterwards, Frank J. still has his web site, which he will use again and again in an attempt to make money. Although this is analagous to what a prostitute does, this does not make Frank J. a whore.

A T-shirt pimp, maybe, but not a whore.

The Peace Gallery picture of Frank J. wielding a katana? Not really him. It's actually a hand-painted miniature left over from his geeky Dungeons & Dragons days, i.e. last week.

Frank J's grandfather, Frank H., was exiled from France in 1939 because - due to a tragic childhood accident - he was unable to raise both arms above his head, thus making him unfit for French citizenship.

Despite Frank J.'s devotion to the Christian faith, God still thinks Scrappleface is funnier.

When he goes to the shooting range, Frank J. always draws chimp ears on the targets and screams "Die, you simian bastard!" between trigger squeezes.

You laugh now, but when the monkey menace invades, you'll be begging for Frank's protection.

Frank J. is NOT happy to see you. That's just a pistol in his pocket.

Or possibly a pair of nail clippers.

When he's not blogging or podcasting, Frank J. is secretly buying black-market fissionable materials and missile technology from former Soviet-bloc countries. That moon ain't gonna nuke itself, ya know.

In a battle between Frank J. and Aquaman, Frank J. would hold a flounder hostage and threaten it with a Popeil Pocket Fisherman while he made good his escape.

In a battle between Frank J. and Hurricane Dennis, Frank would defeat the blustery winds of doom with his mighty katana and fierce battle cry of "I am the great Frank J.! Worship me!"

Which he'd say twice.

Happy Blogiversary, Ronin.

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(A Filthy Lie)

As Frank mentioned recently, the venerable Alliance of Free Blogs recently had its honor besmirched by Blogcritics.org, which accused us of link-doping whoring.

Well, *I* say that I've they're gonna throw smirch at you, you might as well rub it all over yourself and revel in the ecstasy of it.

But there arose a question of honor even MORE important. Sure, the Alliance of Free Blogs is an idiotically haphazard collection of people who merely want to rank higher on The Truth Laid Bear's Ecosystem, but how did we compare against the top link-whore in the blogosphere? The man who will link anyone, anytime, for any reason or no reason at all (except for ME, of course): Glenn Reynolds.

Well, it just so happens that that question was answered decisively not so very long ago. In fact, I even wrote a little song about it (in the extended entry)...

GLENN REYNOLDS WENT TO THE ALLIANCE
(with profuse and sincere apologies to the Charlie Daniels Band)

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(A Filthy Lie)

I always knew that Glenn Reynolds was a heartless monster - what with his puppy blending, hobo-killing, satan-worshipping, robot-dancing, commie-lovin', Frank J. punchin', peeing on cats' heads... oh wait... that was Frank... penguin pornography, and lack of linkage to the Carnival of Comedy, even when it has a flattering Instapundit theme - but somehow I never expected him to post a list of ways that he's personally mishandled the Koran.

Just amazing.

I mean, I knew he was a lawyer & everything, but that's just completely soulless.

UPDATE: That link to Instapundit isn't working, so I've put his entire post in the extended entry...

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(A Filthy Lie)

You ever have one of those days where you can't think of a damn thing to write? Sure! We all do! Just look at IMAO on any given weekend.

But does it HAVE to be this way?

Glenn Reynolds posts at least 666 times a day, so I figured if anyone would know how to defeat writer's block it would be Glenn. I arranged an interview with him recently where we discussed the subject. The transcript is in the extended entry.

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(A Filthy Lie)

Odd little post at Instapundit today. Ya know, I was expecting Evil Glenn to be thoroughly upset by Arianna Huffington's upstart blog "The Huffington Post". I mean, you KNOW how he hates having anyone threaten his tyrannical rule of the blogosphere. However, I was surprised to discover that he's actually quite supportive of her efforts. In fact, he's even helped her out by ghost-writing her "Author's Bio" for her. I copied his efforts verbatim, and they're in the extended entry...

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(A Filthy Lie)

Glenn Reynolds is pretty much burnt out on blogging. He claims that posting's been a little light lately because relatives are in town, but *I* know the truth - he's getting off the computer and back to his roots as a farmer.

Yup, bought himself 40 acres, tucked away back in a secluded Tennessee valley, and he's raising...

Well, that part's a little disturbing.

You see, Glenn has two great passions in life besides blogging. One is puppies, because - when properly blended - they give him the energy to keep blogging. The other is penguins, because they... well... let's just say they fulfill... other needs.

Being the efficient type, Glenn attempted to combine both animals. Since penguins are hard to come by in Tennessee - not being native and all - he practiced with other canine-avian hybrids to perfect his technique. Some pictures of his early work are in the extended entry...

---

After all this practice, he was ready to start using penguins. Early results were a bit... off...

A few hard kicks to the Genentic Intermolecularizing Blendificator helped get the eyes right at least:

Heh. Silly Glenn... you need to use the puppy's SKULL as a source for your genetic material - which he figured out, eventually. Leading to the final successful creation of:

THE PUPGUIN!

Expect Glenn's blogging to become more robust in the near future.

[all pictures courtesy of HumanDescent.com]

...Close It

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(A Filthy Lie)
(With apologies to Monty Python)

[a customer walks in the door]

Evil Glenn: Good Morning.

Owner: Good morning, Sir. Welcome to the American Flower Emporium!

Evil Glenn: Ah, thank you, my good man.

Owner: What can I do for you, Sir?

Evil Glenn: Well, I was sitting on my throne of blackest ice, filleting a hobo, when a glance at the calendar reminded me of my matriarchal celebratory duties.

Owner: Matriarchal, sir?

Evil Glenn: Maternal.

Owner: Eh?

Evil Glenn: It's almost Mother's Day.

Owner: Ah, Mother's Day!

Evil Glenn: In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, "a little blooming flora will do the trick," so, I curtailed my homicidal activites, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some finely stemmed blossomry!

Owner: Come again?

Evil Glenn: I want to buy some flowers.

(...cont'd in extended entry...)

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(A Filthy Lie)

The vile and despicable puppy-blender will be attending the BlogNashville wing-ding next weekend. Sadly, I will be unable to attend due to outstanding warrants in Tennessee (hey... she LOOKED 18). However, if I'd been able to make it, and if I'd been able to get some face-time with that over-rated ambulance-chaser, I'd have had a few questions for him, which I'll list in the extended entry

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(A Filthy Lie)

After the "there's no steroids in baseball" hearings on Capitol Hill, rumor has it that Bud Selig will be getting sacked as baseball commissioner. Further rumor has it that he will be replaced by someone who has no history of messing with performance enhancers - Glenn Reynolds. If the rumors are true you can probably expect to see the following changes to Major League Baseball (listed in the extended entry):

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(A Filthy Lie)

After ABC's hit reality TV show "Wife Swap" had production halted due to an incident of child abuse, the network searched around desperately for a replacement show to air.

A junior production assistant at ABC theorized that if people would tune in to watch whiny, bossy, overly-opinionated women switch households, maybe it would be just as good to use whiny, bossy, overly-opinionated computer nerds in their place. Thus was born:

BLOG SWAP!

This week: an up-and-coming humor blogger who creates his own masterfully funny stories (sorry, it's NOT Scrappleface) switches places with a stodgy, uncreative, puppy-blending lawyer who hyper-leeches off the creativity of others to maintain his oppressive grip on the throat of the blogosphere. Thinker vs. linker, vamper vs. vampire, who will make the best adjustment to their new pixel-palace? Find out the answer tonight as Frank J. of IMAO and Glenn Reynolds of Instapundit do a

BLOG SWAP!

First up (in the extended entry) - Glenn Reynolds takes the helm at IMAO. Will he be able to keep Frank's readers ROTFL? Or will this be the worst disaster since group blogging?...

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Evil Glenn - Substitute Teacher
(A Filthy Lie)

8am, University of Tennessee: A thoroughly hung-over Glenn Reynolds staggers into a classroom to begin the day...

(see extended entry)

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(A Filthy Lie)

So I was trying to get my blogging done tonight when the phone rang...
(transcript in the extended entry)

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(A Filthy Lie)

I got an e-mail from Glenn Reynolds last night. Seems he read Frank's post about letting Africa starve and figured out a way for us all to become stinking rich by supporting Frank's plan. His e-mail explaining it all is in the extended entry [CAUTION! - tasteless insensitivity ahead]:

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(A Filthy Lie)

NOTE: DUE TO MATURE THEMES, READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED

If you weren't watching Fox News tonight, I feel sorry for you, because you missed one HELL of a show.

Inspired by Steve Fossett's recent solo, non-stop, global circumnavigation, the vile and despicable evil dark overlord of the blogosphere and part-time law professor, Glenn Reynolds, was on live TV attempting to set a new world record. I can't find a link to a video clip, but the transcript is in the extended entry.

(note: I forgot to put the evilness in the extended entry last night. I apologize for the oversight. Remember kids, drugs are BAD, m'kay?)

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By now we've all heard the MSM hypothesis that the shootings at a roadside security checkpoint in Iraq where Italian military intelligence officer Nicola Calipari was killed and commie journalist Giuliana Sgrena was wounded by U.S. military forces was a "hit" and this illegal action by the U.S. military all but exonerates CNN's Eason Jordan.

Well, we all know that a top-notch communist will tell you a lie when it's easier to tell you the truth. This makes Giuliana Sgrena one heckuva communist.

You're old buddy Scott would like to point out two big holes in that hypothesis that nobody in the MSM is bringing up:

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(A Filthy Lie)

So I was watching the Playboy channel the other night - and before you say anything, I only watch it for the commercials - I saw this one commercial for a new rehab clinic that Glenn Reynolds is opening up in Memphis. The transcript is in the extended entry...

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(A Filthy Lie)

I was doing research for my forthcoming book, "Stupid Government! Stop Wasting My Money! I Hate You!", and I came across an interesting web site - www.porkbarrelsquanderers.gov - which lists every single sleazy, nepotistic government contract ever handed out.

In amongst such obvious scams as the "horse-drawn horse" and the "solid gold featherbed", I noticed that Glenn Reynolds had been awarded a juicy $12 billion contract for his plan entitled "How to Save the Lives of our Brave American Soldiers".

Curious, I clicked the link.

And saw what YOU'LL see if you check the extended entry...

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(A Filthy Lie)

Because Glenn Reynolds is an evil puppy-blending, Satan-worshipping, hobo-murderer who loves Communism, he is forever trying to destroy America and everything it stands for.

Monday, February 21st, is President's Day. Since our Presidents are our most recognizable symbol of American power, Glenn Reynolds will be frothing with Commie-loving rage that day, and will stop at nothing to undermine America's glory.

Realizing that American Presidents are most often seen on American currency - the purest symbol of Capitalism, which Glenn hates because he's an evil, filthy Commie - Glenn has hatched a foul plot to place his own despicable visage on our sacred dollars. Through means which I am not at liberty to disclose for national security reasons, I have obtained a badly photoshopped image of Glenn's creation, which I've placed in the extended entry:

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I was going to tell a filthy lie to defame Taranto for endorsing Scrappleface and sending unknowledgeable Best of the Web readers to vote for him like some Rock the Vote scam, but the truth I found was even more devastating. I looked on a map, and guess what I saw?

Taranto is in Canada! That's right; Taranto must be a hideous, misshapen, inbred, nigh-retarded Canadian (apologies to all my Canadian readers). Like all Canadians, he lives by latching on to maple trees like a lamprey and sucking out the maple syrup (but not my Canadian readers; they're not freaks). He mispronounces "about", ends every sentence in "eh", and only like Scrappleface because he tells jokes about hockey - the only thing Canadians understand ('cept for my Canadian readers; they're smart). Yes, Taranto is a freakish, dimwitted, filth-covered Canadian who fears rain as if it were an angry god (but all my Canadian readers are good chaps, really!).

The more important question, though, is why does the WSJ so want IMAO to lose in the Weblog Awards as to deploy their Best of the Web against it? Have they all shorted IMAO stock? Does IMAO have stock?

Or do they just fear my power? Whatever it is, they must be defeated! Vote IMAO everyday until the contest ends on December 12th and get everyone else to vote as well!

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I hear Teresa Heinz is getting fed up with the portrayal of her by the media. Being the nasty person I am, I'm going to spread my own filthy lie about her:

Teresa Heinz is completely sane.

On second thought, this one won't catch on like the puppy blending; no one is going to believe it.

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Ha! I'll get Jonah Goldberg back for copying me with this Grade-A filthy lie:

Jonah Goldberg, the highly overpaid writer for National Review, is described to be a simpleton in real life - similar to Lenny from Of Mice and Men - and a possible danger to others. His most common violent behavior is to use kittens as baseballs, tossing them in the air and striking them with his bat. Whenever his coworkers see him in his baseball uniform carrying his bat, they’ll do their best to stop him, Goldberg protesting, "No! That Jo-nuh's bat! You mean men stay away!"

Somehow, he always gets his bat back and inevitably finds a kitten. Kittens aren't his only victims, though. Once when National Review writer Ramesh Ponnuru tried to stop Goldberg, he was struck in the head with Goldberg's bat. Goldberg was then heard to say, "Heh heh. Ramesh make red stuff!"

When asked about fellow writer Jonah Goldberg, John Derbyshire said, "Goldberg is filth."

And here is photoshopped proof of my lie showing Jonah just about to strike a kitten he tossed in the air.

"Me Jo-nuh! Me hit fuzzy baseball!"

There, the lie is complete. I'll e-mail the esteemed Rich Lowry about it and then get Jonah Goldberg's job for sure!

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As I have been informed by Harvey, today marks one year since declaring war on Glenn Reynolds. Since I've been so busy, I haven't been too involved with the Alliance, but it seems to have been pretty active without me.

Anyway, I declared victory after Reynolds linked to me on my second blogiversary (it was his blatant not linking to me on my first blogiversary that led to this bloodshed), but I think there are some things that still need to be said. Thus, I've produced a documentary on DVD about Glenn Reynolds entitled Glenn Reynolds - Behind the Blog. Learn the true secrets behind Instapundit.com and hear confessions straight from Reynolds himself:

"Before 9/11, I just blogged about my daily life such as what I had for breakfast, how flammable different forest creatures are, and my vast Transformer action figure collection. After 9/11, I wrote a few political statements, and suddenly everyone was reading me. When I had this sudden fame and success... I... I just couldn't take it, so I turned to blended puppy drinks. When people hear this they go, 'Hey! This guy must hate puppies!' But it's not true; it's just that I only like them in liquid form."

Are all the charges against the puppy blender true? Hear it from his own mouth.

"Yeah, I've killed a hobo or too; who hasn't? There's a lot of stress with blogging each day, and you have to relieve it somehow. The whole Satan worship thing is overblown. Yeah, I sacrificed a couple goats... but that's it."

Learn what led to Glenn Reynolds famous blogging style and his well known descent into madness:

"I just wasn't prepared for all the commentary people expected from me. All I wanted to talk about was little nano robots. So I'd just randomly pick a quote from some article and write either "Indeed" or "Heh" afterwards. Sometimes, though, I couldn't decided whether the quote deserved an "Indeed" or a "Heh," and I'd just break down sobbing and curl up into a fetal position. I was doing heroin daily at this point."

Finally, hear why he was so vindictive against the greatest blog ever made:

"What pushed me over the edge was finding the website 'IMAO'. I knew this guy was much better than me, and I couldn't stand it. I'd pop a few pills, wash it down with some puppy, and then stare at his site in anger. That's why I'd only link to IMAO occasionally instead of every single day as it deserves."

Order this stunning DVD now while supplies last!

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So last Wednesday I met with Bill Whittle for lunch at a local barbeque so that I might impart some of my wisdom to him to help with his only little webpage.

When I arrived he had already gotten a seat. "Hi. I'm Frank J. Fle..."

"I'm Bill Whittle!" he interrupted, "Master essayist of the blogosphere! Sit and be quiet!"

I stared at him sternly, but I wasn't looking for a fight. Thus I sat and made my order. "You make some interesting yet long essays," I said, trying to move the conversation to a more friendly subject, "So do you plan on writing more about America and patriotism?"

"Bah! Those subjects are of no concern to me!" he announced, "All I want is set the world record for longest blog post ever! When you start reading it, it will be topical, but moot by the time you finish! Muh ha ha ha!"

"You're insane!" I cried.

"That's what they said of Charles Manson," Whittle responded, "but he's famous now!"

Luckily, the food now came to break up the awkward conversation. Whittle took one bite and then threw the meal at the waitress. "That wasn't cooked well enough for the Bill Whittle," he screamed, "Cook it again."

"I've had enough of your ego!" I finally announced, "You will apologize to that waitress!"

"I apologize to no one!" Whittle shouted, "Especially not at the behest of the author of IMAO, which humor is trite and repetitive!"

"You'll pay for that insulting yet somewhat true remark!"

Whittle jumped up on top of the table. "I pay for nothing! I am the greatest writer ever, and you will bow before me, you son of a white chicken!"

"You have insulted me and my family's honor," I uttered with latent rage. I then smashed the table into with a mighty chop, tumbling Whittle to the ground. "We must settle this as all disputes between bloggers - kung fu fight in the parking lot!"

Whittle picked himself up. "So be it."

Both of us were wearing a Nuke the Moon t-shirt, so we were equally armed. I could see from his stance, though, that his kung fu was inferior to mine.

Bill Whittle chooses the "Dyslexic Monkey" stance

My dragon claw style took care of him without me breaking a sweat. I then headed back to work, vowing to never meet other bloggers in person unless it's some speaking event where I'm paid.

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Dave Barry thinks he's so great because he's a syndicated columnists and everyone respects him. Well – peh - I spit at him. Humor in the blogosphere belongs to me! Methinks it's time to bury Barry.

HATE MAIL!

Originally, he didn't even have an e-mail when he started up, which hindered any hate mail efforts as it had been so long since I wrote a regular letter than I couldn't even remember how to do a hyperlink on one. Now he has an e-mail, though, so it's time for a whup'n.

To: daveblogger@hotmail.com
From: imao@cfl.rr.com
Subject: This is my turf!

Who the hell do you think you are? Couldn't just stick to writing your silly column each week and pointing out what would make a good name for a rock band, could you? No, you had to venture into the blogosphere... my world! I make the funny here, not you! You have it in your head that just because you're a celebrity you can write a couple of sentences in your blog each day and get more than twice my traffic, and... well... I guess that's exactly what you did.

Well it ain't right!

The blogosphere is for nobodies like me, and you've just crossed the biggest nobody around! I put a lot of work into my humor, and I'm not going to be encroached by someone who writes five words a day. Just to show you, I'm going to start writing one-sentence columns and get them published in twice as many newspapers as you are in. Then you'll know what it feels like!

BTW, how do you become a columnist? So far my only attempt at it has been sending e-mails to bother important people.

You're going down, muchacho!

-Frank J.
http://imao.us

P.S. How hard is it to reach a gray market to replace the low-flow toilets in my house? I'm in Florida like you, so it's a little hard for me to get to Canada. Any help would be appreciated. Thanks.

Let's see him make a rock band name out of any of that!

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I've decided to find out for myself if Jonah Goldberg is worthy of my admiration. Thus, it's time to see if he can stand up to...

THE HATE MAIL!

My first hate mail to Michael Moore was so devastating that it left him speechless. My second hate mail... well... never got e-mailed since Moore's mailbox was constantly full - probably with lot's of hate mail (though none as rambling and incoherent as mine, I guarantee you). Now it's time to test Jonah's fortitude by subjecting him to my wrath.

First, though, I must set myself in the mindset of a liberal so that I can properly hate Jonah.

Duh, no blood for oil! Free Mumia! Bush is Hitler! I like tofu!

There, mindset achieved. And now to compose...

From: imao@cfl.rr.com
To: JonahNRO@aol.com
Subject: This is not hate mail

Ha! Fooled you! This is hate mail!

Your ideas are different from mine which makes you not just wrong... but evil! And your columns are horrible and no one likes them. Everyone just acts like they like them because they're too afraid to tell you the truth and hurt your feelings. Well I'm not afraid - You suck! Also, many times you have improperly quoted the Simpsons, perhaps the worst case of journalistic neglect in this nation's history.

And everyone else at National Review hates you - Ramesh told me so. He'll probably deny it if you ask him... but it's true!

So, in summary, you are wrong and evil, write bad columns, sometimes improperly quote the Simpsons, and everyone hates you.

The purpose of this e-mail was to make you feel bad, so, if that happened, please write back telling me so that I may know I was victorious. If it failed to make you feel bad, please tell me that as well so I can improve my hate mail in the future. Thanks.

-Frank J.
http://imao.us

P.S. Are you related to that wrestler? No no... not that wrestler; the one from the Slim Jim commercials. What's his name... uh... Oh yeah! Macho Man Randy Savage! You kinda look and sound like him.

Ha! Let's see how he takes that. My guess it will reduce him to a quivering mass, allowing me to replace him at NRO. Muh ha ha ha!

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It's Sunday, which means it's time to tell filthy lies about Stephen Green.

Just look at his blogroll! There's like every damn blog in the blogosphere on there, but which one is conspicuously missing? So blatantly missing that it's almost a statement of, "Hey, look at me! I didn't link to this guy!" That's right; IMAO. It's just like that scene in Austin Powers 3 where Dr. Evil said, "Everyone leave the room except for..." and then named everybody except for Mini-Me. I think he made his whole blogroll as an affront to me. Well, I won't stand idly by! Time for lies!

I saw Stephen Green in the bar area of a restaurant, so I walked up and said, "Hey, it's Stephen Green, famous blogger! I'd like to buy you a drink."

"Thanks," he responded.

Then the waitress came by, so I told her, "I'll have a double whiskey with a beer chaser, and Stephen Green will have..."

"A Shirley Temple," he said, to my surprise.

"What?" I exclaimed, "Wouldn't you want vodka?"

"Oh," he chuckled, "That's just for fun on my website; I don't actually drink any alcoholic beverages. Alcohol tastes awful; bleh!"

"Are you joking?" I asked, quite befuddled.

"And alcohol makes you do crazy things, so be careful. That's why I sometimes suddenly disappear from blogging for short periods; it's so I can give lectures on the dangers of alcohol."

"You sicken me," I shot back at him and left the bar to drink whiskey at home.

And here is horribly photoshopped evidence that doesn't prove anything:

So there is your lie: Stephen Green hates alcoholic beverages! Tell all the other bloggers! Tell the Russians! Tell Absolut!

That will teach him for singling me out for non-linkage.

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It's Saturday, which means it's time to tell filthy lies about Andrew Sullivan.

"Hey! Look at me! I'm Andrew Sullivan I used to write for the New York Times! I made $80,000 dollars in donations 6 months ago and now I want more money!"

That's the idea behind his pledge week, which makes me so mad I almost wish I hadn't donated $20 to him. I probably should have spread this filthy lies before his pledge week, thus leaving more money to be donated to me (or spent on shirts), but now it's even more spiteful to put out a lie because it makes no sense. Anyway, here is the filthy lie:

So I was attending this big party, and it looked like it was going to be a lot of fun, but, when I first got there, I didn't see any women. "This isn't a gay party, is it?" I inquired hesitantly.

"Might as well be," said one man angrily, "Andrew Sullivan is here."

"And what's that supposed to mean?" I shot back, surprised by what I thought was his homophobia.

The guy then led me to another room where there was Andrew Sullivan, getting it on with every woman at the party! He was making crass moves on all the ladies, drinking domestic beer, and getting in fights with any man who approached him. The guy was a total, flaming hetero!

"Hey, Andrew Sullivan, I thought you were supposed to be gay," I said to him.

"Nah!" he answered, slapping a nearby woman on the ass, "That's just shtick I made up to get hired by the Times. Now go get me another beer, bitch."

He then shook his fist at me threateningly, so I got him his beer. Everyone then tried to enjoy the party, but Andrew Sullivan was just a little too much. He kept acting all macho and tried to make out with every woman there to the point that it became too distracting. Finally, I got the courage to go and talk to him.

"Now, Andrew Sullivan, I like sex with women just as much as the next guy, but you have to turn your heterosexuality down a notch. Everyone is staring at you."

"You want a fight with me, pussy?" Andrew Sullivan yelled.

"You see! That's exactly what I'm talking about!" I shot back, "It's that kind of behavior that gives us heterosexuals a bad name."

He then hit me with a beer bottle.

Well, I guess I shouldn't be surprised. Come on - a conservative homosexual? That just doesn't make any sense. Why would a homosexual want low taxes, gun rights, and a strong foreign policy? That's just silly.

Now here's poorly photoshopped photographic evidence of him getting it on with the ladies to back up the lie:

Okay, I was too lazy to use Photoshop; that's just Eminem. I think it's good enough evidence, though.

So there is your filthy lie: Andrew Sullivan is a flaming hetero. Tell all the bloggers. Tell his donors. Tell the New York Times... no wait; no one believes them anymore. Tell the New York Post!

That will teach him for successfully making money with a blog.

Oh yeah, and buy my t-shirt.

UPDATE: A reader, Ryan Sullivan (hmm), has sent in properly photoshopped evidence.

Now the lie is complete. Muh ha ha ha!

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Rating: 2.3/5 (8 votes cast)

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It's Saturday, and thus it's time for the final filthy lie about Glenn Reynolds.

I think I peaked with my first one when I claimed he put puppies in blenders, but I continued on to say he is a Satan worshipping hobo murderer and that he is a Communist spy who dances the robot. You can see his traffic on a downward slope from all these lies, but I think I'll finish it off with the worstest lie of all:

I was walking through the park again, and I saw Glenn Reynolds and was going to avoid that evil man, but he sped up to me on his moped.

"Not so fast," Glenn Reynolds said, "I have business for you."

"What? What could you want with good 'ole honest Frank J., you horrible man?"

"I just had a big puppy shake and am bursting with energy," he said with a demonic grin, "So I've decided to punch you, since you represent all that is good in pure in blogging and I represent all that is evil."

"If you do, I'll use my aikido skills against you," I threatened back, holding my ground.

"Bah! If you fight back, I'll call the police. And whom will they believe? Someone who get only a couple thousand visitors a day, or someone who get tens of thousands of visitors a day? That's right, you have to just stand there and take it like a bitch!"

So he punched me, the beloved Frank J. He hit like a girl, but it was still humiliating.

"Muh ha ha ha!" he laughed so evilly it curdled one’s blood, "I'm Glenn Reynolds! No one can stop me! No one!" He then eyed a nearby transient. "Except maybe that hobo; I better go murder him." He then zoomed off on his moped.

Here's more poorly made photographic evidence of this crime against humanity:

So here is the final filthy lie to spread: Glenn Reynolds is a puppy blending, Satan worshipping, hobo murdering, robot dancing Communist spy who punched your beloved Frank J. Tell the news, tell congress, tell other bloggers even; the lie must spread and his traffic must plunge for reasons I've now forgotten. But I think I'm going to laugh evilly anyway.

Bwa ha ha ha ha!

So what do I do next Saturday? I guess I could spread lies about other bloggers such as Misha (not actually an emperor) and Rachel (not actually a woman), but I want it to be a really big target like Glenn Reynolds. Hmm...

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It's Saturday, so once again it's time to spread filthy lies about Glenn Reynolds!

Now everyone know that not only does Glenn Reynolds puts puppies in blenders, but that he also worships Satan and murders hobos, and it looks to me like his traffic has declined once again. At this rate, he'll have negative 20,000 unique visitors by the end of the year, but, to be on the safe side, here's a new filthy lie:

So I was taking a walk through the park when suddenly I saw Glenn Reynolds talking to an Asian man. All I caught was the end of the conversation where the Asian man told Glenn Reynolds, "Thank you, comrade."

"What was that about," I asked Glenn Reynolds.

"I was just talking to someone from the Chinese government."

"Getting inside information to do an expose on Chinese human rights abuses?" I inquired.

"Of course not," he laughed, "I was giving him information. I had gotten my hands on some government secrets that I thought would help the Chinese fight our capitalist nation."

"Why?" I exclaimed.

"Because I looooove Communism!" he said, pumping his fist in the air, "Down with liberty! Down with the free market system!"

"You pinko scum!" I yelled, "I'll stop you!"

He answered me with mocking laughter. "Someone whose website gets as much traffic as mine can do whatever he wants. I'm untouchable! I'm Glenn Reynolds! Now I must celebrate."

He then started doing the robot dance and singing this rap song:

"I'm Glenn Reynolds and it's puppies I drink,
And I like to kill hobos because they stink.
Gotta give props to Satan 'cause he's an evil guy;
It was through his help I became a Communist spy."

Though I've heard better rapping, his robot dance was quite good. Finishing his grotesque celebration, he hopped on his moped and sped off laughing evilly all the way.

And here is yet more unconvincing photographic evidence of my blatant lie:

I also wanted to have an animated .gif of him doing the robot dance, but my photoshopping skills just aren't that good.

Anyway, here is the new filthy lie to spread: Glenn Reynolds is a puppy blending, Satan Worshipping, hobo murdering, Communist spy who does a better than average robot dance. Now go out and spread the word, especially making sure the FBI knows. They'll put out a report saying, "Make sure not to visit Glenn Reynolds's site; he's probably collecting information on you to give to the Chinese Communists. Instead, visit IMAO.us, which, if anything, makes Communists know even less than they did before after they've read it."

Muh ha ha ha! Soon all the traffic in the blogosphere will be mine!

UPDATE: Fritz of On the Fritz made this animated .gif proving Glenn Reynolds dances the robot - or some similar dance - thus proving all the lies I've said.

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It's Saturday, so once again it's time to spread filthy lies about Glenn Reynolds!

By now, everyone knows how he likes to put puppies into blenders. He was so shaken by it, that he hit me with some sort of DoS attack on Monday. But look at his traffic since this scandal came out on April 19th; that looks down from the previous week to me. It's working, but I think with another push soon he'll only get like 3 visitors a week - fellow puppy blenders. So here is the new dirty, filthy lie:

I ran into Glenn Reynolds again the other day, and you can't believe what he told me. First I just asked him, "Hey, Glenn Reynolds, how do you keep up such a great site, updating it all the time and finding all those links?"

"I only find the power through my deep faith," he answered proudly.

"You're a dedicated Christian?"

"No, I'm a Satanist!" he laughed, raising his arms into the air, "Thank you for my traffic, my dark lord!"

"You can't worship Satan!" I exclaimed in shock. "Satan is a bad man!"

"You're right; I can't worship Satan... until I first murder a hobo in his evil name!" Glenn Reynolds then laughed even more evilly.

"But hobos are people, too!"

"As far as I'm concerned, the only reason hobos exist is for a murder'n," he shot back angrily, "Now get out of my way; those hobos aren't going to murder themselves!"

"You inhuman ghoul!" I shouted.

"Muh ha ha ha!" was his only response as he went to blend a puppy to give him the energy he needed to murder a hobo in worship of his dark lord Satan.

And here is really horrible photographic evidence proving what I just made up:

So, here is the new filthy lie to spread: Glenn Reynolds is a puppy blending, Satan worshipping hobo murderer. Make sure the press knows, because I want the first line of any story about blogs to be, "The most popular blog, Instapundit.com, is run by an evil man who blends puppies and murders hobos as part of a satanic ritual. That's why more people are going to IMAO.us which is run by Frank J., a man who loves puppies, denounces Satan, and has never done anything worse to a hobo than give one a minor concussion."

So spread the lie. I can't wait to see his traffic drop like a rock now!

UPDATE: Michele of A Small Victory is sick and twisted too, but I think her readers already knew that.

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It's Saturday! That means it's time to spread filthy lies about Glenn Reynolds.

I guess I should just be happy he gave me a permalink a while back that brings in a decent amount of traffic each day, but no, I'm too spiteful for that. He hasn't linked to me on his front page in months and months, and, as I watch him get more visitors each day than I get in a month, my anger grows. Now I've gotten a plan: If I spread filthy lies about him, people will stop going to his site and have no choice but to only go to mine! It's a brilliant idea. So here is the first filthy lie:

Hey, everyone! It's Frank J. I hope you're having a good weekend, but I have to tell you about this horrible thing I found out. See, I ran into Glenn Reynolds today and he was drinking what looked like some sort of smoothie. So I asked him, "Hey, Glenn Reynolds, what are you drinking?"

And he said, "It's my special energy drink to keep me fit and my intellect sharp."

"Wow," I responded, "How do you make it?"

"I put a puppy in a blender!" Glenn Reynolds laughed and then took an extra long sip.

"You can't put a puppy in a blender!" I said in complete horror.

"I can do whatever I want! I'm Glenn Reynolds!"

"You monster!"

He took another drink. "Mmmm... puppy. And, the cuter the puppy, the better the energy drink. Muh ha ha ha ha!" He then ran off, drinking his puppy.

And here is poorly photoshopped photographic evidence:

So there is the filthy lie: Glenn Reynolds puts puppies in blenders. Start spreading it to everyone. Tell your parents, tell your siblings, tell your uncle in Clevland, and send an e-mail to your congressman. And, when they exclaim, "Glenn Reynolds puts puppies in blenders! I'll never go to his site again!" You tell them, "Then go to IMAO.us. Frank J. is at the forefront in the fight against putting puppies in blenders."

Wow, that was fun. I'll revisit this again next week to see how much his traffic has gone down from the spread of the lie.

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