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July 05, 2007
May 16, 2007
Slander: Obama Bad
Posted by Frank J. at 11:15 AM
So, time to make things up.
BAD THINGS 'BOUT OBAMA
* Any time you get Obama talking about any subject, he starts bringing up facts about serial killers. That guy just won't stop talking about how impressive serial killers are.
* If he can't become president, Obama would like to be a telemarketer.
* Obama thinks the minimum age for snorting coke off strippers should be five.
* You don't want to hear what Obama said about your mom. It was true, but he didn't have to say it.
* Obama owns over twenty cats and his home smells weird.
* Obama plans to vote for Hillary Clinton.
August 18, 2006
Glenn Reynolds: The Interview
Posted by Harvey at 01:21 PM
Since Instapundit recently celebrated his 5th blogiversay, I thought it would be a good time to conduct an interview with Glenn Reynolds, so as to separate man from myth with this legendary blogger.
Unfortunately, Glenn had neither the time nor the inclination to answer my questions, so I put a pair of glasses on a teddy bear, sat him on a blankie, queried him at length, and used one of the many voices in my head to supply the answers.
Figured it wouldn't be TOO different from the real thing.
HARVEY: Thanks for agreeing to do this. First, I can't help noticing that you use the word "heh" a lot. Now, as the Dark Overlord of the Blogosphere, wouldn't it be better to have a more sinister laugh, like "MUAHAHAHAHAHA!" or something? I mean, "heh" just seems kind of effeminate.
GLENN: Not true. Some of the evilest people in the world use "heh". For example, terrorists frequently say "Allah Akbar!" before blowing up school buses full of kids, which actually means "heh" in whatever monkey-jabber language it is they speak.
HARVEY: Why is your blog named "Instapundit"?
GLENN: Simple linguistics - "insta" means "really fast", "pun" is something that's funny in a pathetic sort of way, and "dit" is the spoken representation of the dot - the shorter of the two signals used in telegraph code. So - short, fast, funny, pathetic... all words women have used to describe my performance. I just sort of combined them.
HARVEY: What blogs do you read regularly?
GLENN: Including Instapundit?
GLENN: Just Ann Althouse.
HARVEY: You DON'T read Instapundit?
GLENN: READ it? I don't even proofread it! That blog is just the result of Thunderbird-addled baboons poking randomly at keyboards & hitting the "I'm Feeling Lucky" button on Google. Then I have a mildly retarded parrot add a link to whatever pops up.
HARVEY: So it's a lot like a Kos "Open Thread" post?
GLENN: Yes, but with slightly less frothing Bush-hatred, and better spelling.
HARVEY: What made you decide to go to law school?
GLENN: Daily beatings from my parents.
HARVEY: You were a victim of child abuse?
GLENN: Victim? NO!... the beatings were a reward. I like that sort of thing. Doesn't everybody?
HARVEY: So... when you punched Frank J. that one time...
GLENN: Right. I was telling him to keep up the great blogging work. The boy's got talent. Unlike YOU, who I wouldn't even poke in the eye with a sharp stick.
HARVEY: Are you planning a sequel to your runaway best-seller "An Army of Davids"?
GLENN: Yes, this September, I'll be releasing "An Army of Destructo-bots: How Killer Robots Empower Ordinary Evil Overlords to Beat Any Rag-Tag Army of Misfits Those Pathetic Davids Can Raise". By the way, if you haven't already, you should buy my book. I need money. Those Destructo-bots aren't going to build themselves.
HARVEY: Why should people help you to enslave the human race?
GLENN: If you buy "An Army of Davids", you get a free coupon for a swift and merciful death. Everyone else has to listen to a Glenn & Helen Podcast as the Destructo-bot slowly crushes the life out of their bodies. MUAHAHA... I mean... heh.
HARVEY: Ok... well... that wraps up this interview. I'm gonna go run out and buy me a copy of that "Armada of Duckies" thing so that your shrieky, pteradactyl-like voice isn't the last sound I hear. Thank you for your time, Mr. Reynolds, and keep up the great blogging work.
GLENN: Thanks... um... aren't you going to punch me now?
HARVEY: Sorry. I'm saving it for Frank J.... besides, I wouldn't hit a bear with glasses.
So... would YOU have punched the bear?
August 12, 2006
More Instapundit - Less Glenn Reynolds?
Posted by Harvey at 09:32 AM
After returning from his recent vacation, Glenn Reynolds said:
I think the blog actually improves when I go away!
Is that really true? Let's think about it...
BETTER WITHOUT GLENN
* Fewer creepy pictures of Glenn showing off his flexibility by licking his own toes.
* Less Ann Althouse material when she's actually guest-blogging.
* No drunken boasting about how he "taught Johnny Cochran his mad rhyming skillz"
* Don't have to see that Michael-Moore-lookin' Porkbusters pig.
BETTER WITH GLENN
* If Glenn doesn't leave, we don't have to suffer through that obviously-bought-off-a-website "What I Did On My Vacation" essay when he returns.
* Always have a handy reference if you're not sure how to spell "heh".
* Or "update".
* All you have to do to get an Instalanche is give "Army of Davids" a positive review - and sign your e-mail with your Communist Party membership number.
* When Glenn leaves town, the "Page 3 Girl" pic doesn't always get updated.
Well, it's a close call, but I'll say better WITH Glenn.
By the way, Army of Davids is a great book.
August 04, 2006
Instapundit Kills Five
Posted by Harvey at 10:33 AM
Wait... that post title should read "Instapundit Turns Five", since his 5th blogiversary is coming August 8th.
Oh well. No time for the backspace key. Besides, I'm sure the original title will be accurate eventually.
Meanwhile, I figured I should get the guy a thoughtful gift, so as to curry his favor, allowing me to betray him after he accepts me into his confidence. Knowing how busy Glenn is what with his blogging, podcasting, book-pimping, hobo-murdering, etc., I thought I'd get him "Executive Decision-Making Dice".
Since the traditional gift for a fifth anniversary is wood, and I figure Glenn's too busy to throw TWO dice, I'm going to hand-make him a wooden 12-sider. It's a work in progress, but here's what I've got so far:
If you have any suggestions for the other six sides, let me know.
July 29, 2006
Posted by Harvey at 11:59 AM
I was browsing Instapundit and noticed that he recently took a trip to a brewery.
Odd... Glenn's into energy drinks, not alcohol...
Then I remembered how popular the Red Bull & Vodka mix is, and it occurred to me that Glenn might be arranging with the Downtown Grill & Brewery to start making some sort of puppy shake & beer hybrid.
Sure enough, I was right. Notice the label on that bottle near the bottom of the picture (circled in red):
Here's a close-up:
If you're out drinking in Knoxville, be sure to enunciate when you order your beer.
July 21, 2006
Glenn Reynolds - Legal Geniousness
Posted by Harvey at 04:50 PM
You may not know this, but before blackmailing his way into a tenured position as a law professor at the University of Tennessee, Glenn Reynolds was head of his own law firm (Reynolds, Duzzy, Cheatham and Howe). Some accomplishments of note during those years include:
* Modified a GPS device to home in on ambulance sirens.
* Pioneered the "I'm not wearing a tie at all!" defense, later made famous by Lionel Hutz.
* Pioneered the rhyming defense (later made famous by Johnny Cochran) for the Rodney King beating case: "Because they're white, what they did was all right".
* Discovered flaws in Einstein's Theory of Relativity, thus making the 48-billable-hours day possible.
* Whipped up puppy smoothies during trials so as to make his clients appear comparatively less heinous.
* Installed irritating extra-buzzy flourescent lights at the office. Giggled as the number of workplace shooting incidents skyrocketed.
* Got the Scopes monkey acquitted on appeal.
* Successfully sued himself for sexual harrassment based on several incidents of staring, pointing, and laughing at his wang in the restroom.
* Took malfunctioning office fax machine out into a field and smashed it with a baseball bat as seen in Michael Moore's documentary "Office Space 9/11".
* Improved collection rates on overdue Accounts Receivable by feeding deadbeat clients to carnivorous office plants.
* Improved courtroom win-loss record by doing the same with prosecuting attorneys.
* Stopped filing "frivolous" lawsuits. Started filing "Super Happy Lucky Fun" lawsuits.
* Saved thousands of dollars in contempt-of-court fines by installing covert "witness teleprompters" in his eyeglasses.
* Cut jury-tampering expenses by 91.6% by switching to judge-tampering.
* Won a hefty alimony settlement for Michael Jackson's old nose when it divorced his face.
* Linked to every legal brief ever filed by Ann Althouse.
* Cleared President Bush of slander charges by proving that New York Times reporter Adam Clymer really WAS a major-league a**hole.
Rumor has it that he'll be back in the courtroom soon defending John Bolton's moustache for beating the crap out of Kofi Annan, but that's just sheer speculation at this point.
July 15, 2006
Posted by Harvey at 01:13 PM
Like Michelle Malkin, Glenn Reynolds gets his fair share of venomous missives from unbalanced readers.
Unlike Michelle Malkin, surprisingly few of them are crude slurs about being a woman or a minority. Most of it is revolves around a perceived dearth of Instalanching, like this typical example:
"Why won't you link me??? Why don't you answer my e-mails??? After all the cool links I've sent you, you OWE ME!!! I HATE YOU!!! You're a stink-butt poopy-head, that's what you are!!!
Your #1 Fan,
PS You can make it up to me by linking this cool post I did on the Semite menace."
Aside from the "where's my link?" theme, however, the rest of his mail tends to fall into one of the several categories listed below:
* Korean restaurants complaining that the last meat shipment tasted more like Labradoodle than Shih Tzu, despite what the shipping manifest said.
* Cease & Desist orders from the Precious Moments people regarding his line of "Satanic Moments" figurines - especially that "Hobo, Bloody Hobo", which is particularly nastly.
* PeTA (People Eating Tasty Animals) berating Glenn for drinking animals, which is just sick and inhumane.
* Long, obscenity-laced screeds from angry mothers who bought Glenn's adult movie "Tramp of the Penguins" by mistake.
* The American Nudist Association trying to talk Glenn into joining their "Best of Blogging" organization: "Sleeping Naked Media".
* Rejection letters from Fox saying they're STILL not interested in producing his show "So You Think You Can Robot Dance".
* University of Tennessee frat boys sending death threats for selling them fake Spanish Fly. Usually containing the line "You said these were spurious. They didn't spur her on at all!".
* E-mails addressed to "Professor Reynolds" wanting to know if he ever nailed Ginger while he was stuck on that island.
* Or Gilligan.
Of course, the most common category is requests for tips on how to punch Frank J.
Usually from Laurence Simon.
June 24, 2006
$10 Million Insta-Dollars
Posted by Harvey at 02:15 PM
In a recent Instapundit post, Glenn Reynolds mused thusly:
THE GLENN AND HELEN SHOW has been downloaded over 10 million times now. If we got just a dollar per download....
Which made me wonder... why would Glenn need $10 million?
I think the answer is fairly obvious... (see extended entry)
June 10, 2006
The Trouble With Armadillos
Posted by Harvey at 10:36 AM
Recently at Instapundit, Glenn Reynolds opined:
Personally, I've always blamed the armadillo. Nasty creatures, armadillos. They carry leprosy, you know.
Seems like he's over-reacting a bit, doesn't it? Like he's got some sort of personal grudge against armadillos?
I wonder if this has anything to do with... (see extended entry)
June 02, 2006
Evil Glenn Says, "Happy Satan Day, Everybody!"
Posted by Harvey at 11:31 PM
On Tuesday, June 6th of this year, the date will be 6-6-6, which means nothing to atheists like myself, but for Christians it has some evil, Satanic connotations.
And since Evil Glenn is Satan's #1 fan, ya gotta figure he's got some kind of celebratory activities planned.
* Undo his comb-over so that the 666 tattoo on his scalp is clearly visible.
* Yes, that will include some made-up songs where he robot-dances in a black teddy & stockings.
* Hold a hobo-murderthon to raise money for Soldier's Angels. Recommended donation - a buck a bum.
* Launch doomsday missile while shrieking insane laughter.
* Direct the remake of Serenity with a politically correct script.
* Go to a local park and blow up 62 hobos with illegal fireworks. If caught, claim that it was a celebration of the 62nd anniversary of D-Day.
* Sign up for classes to get his doctorate in Mad Science.
* Set off Cthulhu's alarm clock so that he'll be dead but awake.
* THAT'LL show that stupid, lazy elder-God.
* On-line Ouija board marathon!.
* Smugly admit to Frank J. that HE'S the one who's been re-programming his fruit-picking robots to turn on their human masters.
* Pilfer the demon currently possessing Helen Thomas for his own personal use.
* Just give up and let the voices in his head take over.
And through it all, you can bet there'll be only one song playing on his iPod... over and over and over...
May 27, 2006
Instapundit's Work Clothes
Posted by Harvey at 04:08 PM
You may have noticed that - from time to time - John Hawkins of Right Wing News will re-post an entry from IMAO in its entirety.
Which is fine with us.
It's not that we condone plagiarism (we're NOT the New York Times), but it's because of the sweet kickbacks he gives us. Usually scotch & hookers.
Except for Frank, who gets paid with sacks of monkey skulls, which he uses to decorate the altar of his Zatoichi shrine.
However, I recently got an e-mail from John, saying that he'd maxed out his tab at Leroy's House O' Ho's, and asked if we'd take an interview with Glenn Reynolds as payment, instead. John's a good guy, so I said "yes". I'm just hoping Frank will be too busy working on his In My World book to notice the absence of simian craniums in the mail this week.
Anyway, here's the interview:
JOHN: I see that you've recently taken a stand in favor of professorial nudity. Is that how you normally dress for work yourself?
GLENN: HEAVENS no! Exposing hairy man-boobs is ALWAYS a bad idea, which explains the pathetic sales of Michael Moore's documentary "Bowling for Fat Guys in Speedos". However, I will confess that - in the pursuit of pedagogical goals - I have been known to don a costume on occasion.
JOHN: So you're saying that you dressed as a Catholic priest?
GLENN: I said "pedagogical"! Try using a dictionary for something besides propping up the short leg of the sofa.
JOHN: Actually, that's what I use "An Army of Davids" for. Anyway, I want to hear more about these costumes of yours.
GLENN: Well, it all started when I was re-evaluating a data study from the Center for Applied Psychological Hermeneutics, which discovered that between 56% and 58% of over 16,000 freshman students at three state universities were...
JOHN: ...probably as bored as I am. Can we get to the costumes?
GLENN: You have the attention span of a caffeinated ferret.
JOHN: Still bored, here.
GLENN: Fine. There was this costume:
that I wore for a class called "Civil Suit Alchemy - Turning Pain Into Gold". Students were told to find grounds to sue Superman.
JOHN: Impossible! He's the ultimate Boy Scout! He won't even fly across the street against a red light!
GLENN: True, but with a good expert witness, you can convince a jury that his X-ray vision gave your client cancer.
JOHN: You have no conscience.
JOHN: Touché. So what else have you worn?
GLENN: Same class, next day:
JOHN: So you want to sue elves for making defective Christmas toys?
GLENN: Ya know, a lot of first-year law students make that same mistake. But when you sue, you should always go for the target with the deepest pockets. Thus the title of the lecture: "When In Doubt, Sue Santa".
JOHN: How do you sleep at night?
GLENN: On a mattress stuffed with contingency fees.
JOHN: Any other costumes?
GLENN: Well, I often wear this one when I discuss Marbury v. Madison during my lecture on the Federal separation of powers:
JOHN: What do penguins have to do with...
GLENN: WHOOPS! How'd THAT one get in there!... Hey! Look at the time. I gotta go!
JOHN: Well, thanks for taking the time to share the cobwebby inner darkness of your soul with us, Glenn.
Join me next week when the Travelocity gnome explains why he'd rather fly a lawn chair into a set of stadium lights than ride with a Kennedy.
May 19, 2006
NSA Monitors Instapundit
Posted by Harvey at 04:04 PM
Since I firmly believe in watching the watchers, I've bugged the NSA office and overheard the following conversation between agents Jack Boot and Eve Drop regarding their efforts to analyze phone records from the major telecom companies:
JACK: This is ridiculous! I can't believe they actually expect us to sort through ten billion phone records! How are we supposed to find any patterns in this mess?
EVE: Unwad your panties, Jack, it's SIMPLE. All ya gotta do is just twist the data to fit your agenda and you can prove that ANYONE is evil.
JACK: Sorta like how the Democratic Underground trolls keep "proving" that Bush is Hitler?
EVE: Exactly... Here, let me pick a name at random and show you how it's done... AH! This Glenn Reynolds fellow will do...
JACK: Instapundit? But he's a right-wing warmonger! He doesn't fit the profile!
EVE: Look, strip-club-visiting muslims don't fit the profile either - except for the 9/11 hijackers! Ya gotta be willing to follow the evidence wherever it leads, even if you have to drag it kicking & screaming to get it there. Now, let's look at his phone records.
JACK: Here's a call to a "Mrs. Reynolds" in another city. Probably his mother.
EVE: AHA! Obviously calling to tell her goodbye before his terrorist suicide mission!
JACK: It was on Mother's Day. EVERYONE called their mother on Mother's Day... except NSA agents who had their mothers killed [gives Eve an accusatory glance]
EVE: She knew too much!... Anyway, that Reynolds is a crafty devil, timing his call like that so that we wouldn't be suspicious! Which is the most suspicious thing you can do.
JACK: Not as suspicious at THIS group of calls... must be a hundred of 'em to someone named HP. Who the heck is HP?
EVE: GOTTA be Hezbollah of Palestine! No other organization has those initials!
JACK: What about Hamas of Palestine?
EVE: That cagey BASTARD! Trying to throw us a curve with a dual-use acronym!
JACK: Either way, he's got terrorist connections. Now all we have to do is figure out where he plans to strike & how.
EVE: Hmmm... a call to Black & Decker... coffee maker division...
JACK: Of COURSE! He's going to use the timer from the coffee maker as a bomb trigger! It's the ONLY explanation! EVERYONE knows that obscenely rich best-selling authors normally only drink Starbucks coffee that's been hand-delivered by illegal Mexicans!
EVE: You mean Canadians - there are some jobs that are so demeaning that even Mexicans won't do them.
BOB McKENZIE: Here's yer coffee, eh? That'll be, like, 5 beers?
EVE: Here's a six-pack and a toque. Keep the change.
BOB McKENZIE: Beauty! I'm gonna take off, eh?
EVE: Yeah, get outta here, freak...Anyway, Jack, we know HOW he'll strike, but that information is useless unless we know the target...
JACK: Wait... I see a pattern here... he's called the Memphis Canine Rescue Shelter every day for the last... well... since the telephone was invented.
EVE: That MONSTER! Targeting innocent puppies! What sort of deranged freak would want to explode puppies into a thick - almost drinkable - liquid?
JACK: Who cares? All that matters is that we now have undeniable proof of his insidious plot! The evidence is rock solid! This one's a slam...
EVE: NSA Civilian Entrapment Project. Eve Drop speaking... uh huh... uh huh... oh... oh, I see... thank you...
JACK: ...DUNK! He's going down like a Kennedy driving an Oldsmobile into a lake!
EVE: Bad news. That was the Director. Seems that this phone number database we've been using is phony. BellSouth, AT&T, Verizon... they ALL deny giving us any information. Seems that only telecom that provided us with anything was Bell Alliance. We've been had.
JACK: DAMN! Now Reynolds is going to get away scott free! Just like a Kennedy driving an Oldsmobile into a lake!
EVE: Calm down, Jack... sooner or later, he'll make another mistake. We'll nail him eventually...
JACK: So... wanna hack into John Murtha's credit record and put in some unpaid escort service bills?
EVE: Jack, I *love* the way you think...
Looks like the Puppy Blender has once again eluded the long arm of the law... but the Alliance will be watching you, Reynolds.
April 29, 2006
The New InstaPodcast - Don't Bother
Posted by Harvey at 05:24 PM
All he does is spend 90 minutes pimping his new book:
On the other hand, I kinda like his new intro music, which is a dozen bars of "How Much Is That Doggie In the Window?" that's cut short by the sound of a blender on "liquefy".
April 22, 2006
InstaBunny - A Love Story
Posted by Harvey at 02:15 PM
Five years ago, at a Las Vegas Furry Convention, Glenn Reynolds met the love of his life, Bonita Bunny:
Today they live in Memphis with their three children:
You may have noticed that Glenn lets his kids guest-post from time to time.
[top pic courtesy of Cadet Happy]
April 15, 2006
Signs of the Glennpocalypse
Posted by Harvey at 12:33 PM
Strange events are said to signal the end of the world.
Which is a bad thing, unless you're a supernatural evil entity who plans to rule during the coming dark age.
Or Glenn Reynolds, which is pretty much the same thing.
When he's not "Indeed"-ing his way through yet ANOTHER link to some legal-mumbo-jumbo-filled Ann Althouse post, he's actively working to bring about the Apocalypse. Here are some signs to watch for:
* Glenn moves Instapundit back to its old Blogspot site, explaining that "the Blogger platform is now technologically superior to Movable Type".
* Instapundit(.blogspot.com) endorses Hillary for president in 2008 based on her endorsement of a "free healthcare for bloggers" program.
* PajamasMedia unveils its new open-bathrobe logo and changes its name to FlasherMedia.
* Glenn Reynolds answers the only honest e-mail from Nigeria and rakes in seven million dollars.
* Instapundit(.blogspot.com) becomes a group blog featuring Plague, War, Death, Famine, and Laurence Simon.
The appearance of a post at IMAO on a Saturday would not be a sign of impending Apocalypse, but rather a sign that the world has already ended.
April 07, 2006
A Message To Instapundit
Posted by Harvey at 09:54 PM
Which leads me to wonder what I should send to drop him a hint. A sort of subtle intervention, as it were.
This book says "it's time for you to get some help for your liquified canine addiction":
This book says "your last human sacrifice managed to leave a trail of clues, although you would've gotten away with it if it handn't been for those meddling kids."
This book says, "if you're going to practice a religion, then practice it religiously."
This giant flag featuring every protester's favorite dead 3-letter-name commie says "Mao is SOOOOOO 20th century. Get hip. Get trendy. Get sex from slutty hippy chicks. Get Che."
This book says "if you're going to punch Frank J., for Heaven's sake, do it right."
This CD says "how you dance is none of our business, but please do it in the privacy of your own home".
This 2006 Calendar says "I won't judge you, even though I disagree with your 'choice of lifestyle'"
And finally, this T-shirt says "wear one of these, and people will stop calling you King Dork."
Any messages YOU'D like to send to Instapundit?
March 31, 2006
Instapundit's Exciting Weekend
Posted by Harvey at 06:44 PM
Saw this at Reynolds' site:
my younger brother worked as an assistant there, boiling down corpses in turpentine with his grad-student girlfriend. Now that's an exciting weekend...
Giving his hobo-murdering habits, this one isn't TOO surprising, but it does make me wonder what ELSE this guy does for fun.
Unfortunately I found out. Turn's out he's going to be spending THIS weekend at a ski resort in Vail, Colorado, indulging in one of his favorite recreational sports:
EXTREME PUPPY BLENDING!
Now that's an exciting weekend...
March 24, 2006
Why Glenn Reynolds Loves His Grandma
Posted by Harvey at 10:34 PM
While surfing Instapundit, I was stopped dead in my tracks by this line:
"I've been hanging out with my grandmother, and enjoying it."
Odd. Outside of eating her chocolate chip cookies, I never enjoyed MY grandmother's company. Although her habit of balancing her dentures on her nose, tossing them up in the air, and catching them in her mouth may have had something to do with it.
Anyway, turns out that there are two reasons Glenn enjoys visiting Granny so much.
First, she always takes him out hobo-hunting:
Second, Elly May is totally freakin' HOT!
Now before you go "EWWWW! She's his cousin! That's just WRONG!", just be relieved that it's not his sister.
Not that THAT matters in Tennessee.
March 18, 2006
Everything You've Always Wanted to Know About Instapundit, But Were Too Afraid to Ask
Posted by Harvey at 12:47 PM
Sure, you know about the puppy blending, hobo-murdering, Satan-worshipping, commie praising, robot dancing, Frank J. punching, and penguin porn, but here are some things you DIDN'T know about Glenn Reynolds:
* Glenn Reynolds can crash you server just by thinking about linking to you.
* Glenn Reynolds writes Garfield fan-strips, all of which end with Odie getting stuffed into a blender.
* They're STILL less predictable than the ones Jim Davis writes.
* You know that asteroid belt between Mars & Jupiter? That used to be a planet until Glenn Reynolds thought about linking to it.
* The KKK was completely harmless until Glenn Reynolds suggested that they put eye-holes in their hoods.
* Spammers originally got the idea for sending out a million e-mails per day by watching Glenn Reynolds post at Instapundit.
* It was Glenn Reynolds who first said to William Hung - "You've got talent. Go audition for American Idol."
* Satan's biggest fear is that he'll have to spend eternity with Glenn Reynolds after he dies.
* Glenn Reynolds' glasses are the only thing keeping his laser vision from incinerating the universe.
* Glenn Reynolds once deflected a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick by thinking about linking to it.
* Glenn Reynolds murdered Socrates by telling him his cup of hemlock was actually a Starbucks Iced White Chocolate Macchiato
* Nuclear bombs fear Glenn Reynolds going off on them.
* There's more than one way to skin a cat, and they were all discovered by Glenn Reynolds.
* Glenn Reynolds is the leader of the terrorist group Hehmas.
* One drop of Glenn Reynolds' bath water contains enough residual evil to de-sanctify Vatican City.
* Puppy blood is the secret ingredient in Insta-Cola.
* When CNN interviews Glenn Reynolds, they have to put special filters on the camera lenses, lest TV viewers be turned to stone.
* As for the fate of the audience in the studio... now you know where garden gnomes come from.
* Glenn Reynolds' remote control only has one button. When he presses it, his TV automatically tunes to the evilest show available.
* Usually "Full House".
* Glenn Reynolds' printer is a Hewlett-Packed BloodJet model 900.
* Spelling "Glenn Reynolds" on a Scrabble board will summon the demon Atazoth who - legends say - will exact retribution on the Overworld by getting Hillary elected in '08.
* Google recently changed their motto to "Don't be Glenn Reynolds".
* Glenn Reynolds personally hand-stitched Janet Jackson's Superbowl outfit.
* The blind leading the blind isn't so bad... Glenn Reynolds likes leading them into traffic during rush hour.
* In Glenn Reynolds' DVD collection, "Schindler's List" is filed under "Comedy", right between "Saw 2" and "Scream".
* Glenn Reynolds taught Senator Palpatine how to do that fingertip-lightning thing.
* The Lemarchand Box in "Hellraiser" is a device used by Cenobites to summon Glenn Reynolds.
* Glenn Reynolds never thought about linking to Martha Stewart, but he DID send her an e-mail on December 26, 2001, that was completly blank except for the word "Sell".
* Glenn Reynolds introduced Bill to Monica.
* Good things come to those who wait - unless Glenn Reynolds steals them first.
* Glenn Reynolds never actually punched Frank J. - he got Frank J. to punch himself by thinking about linking to him.
I wonder what would happen if I spelled "Frank J." on a Scrabble board...
March 15, 2006
The Perfect Hardcover for Beating a Hobo to Death
Posted by Frank J. at 08:39 AM
I should mention that I have my copy of Army of Davids I ordered from Amazon. I just started reading it, and I was absent from the acknowledgements (!) and he starts the book by talking about brewing beer (yeah, beer; sure). According to a scan of the index, there is nothing in it about puppies or blenders, so I guess the editors sanitized it. Most of the footnotes are simply "Heh" or "Indeed," and each bibliographical reference is followed by the phrase "Read the whole thing." So far, I don't think reading Glenn Reynolds’s book has caused the devil to possess me, but I'll be sure to monitor that as I read more.
March 11, 2006
Glenn Reynolds PR Flack on CNN
Posted by Harvey at 07:16 PM
In an apparent effort to clean up his image, Glenn Reynolds hired a Public Relations agent to try to spin his image so he doesn't look quite so much like the blackhearted dominar of the blogosphere that we all know him to be. Here's a transcript of the CNN "On The Story" interview with info-hottie Abbi Tatton:
ABBI: Instapundit - is he the eagle-eyed Truth watchdog of new media, or just talentless hack pajama-wearing blogger who lives in his mother's basement and tortures animals for fun? Today we're speaking with Twist Spinner, the Public Relations agent for Glenn Reynolds who promises to help us sort fact from fiction.
TWIST: Pleasure to be here with you today, since I really dig chicks with big hair. Anyone ever tell you that you look a little like Monica Lewinsky?
ABBI: [giggles] Flatterer!... but seriously, what's up with that puppy blending thing?
TWIST: A rumor wrapped in a falsehood inside a distortion. While Mr. Reynolds DOES frequently put puppies in blenders and grind them into a bloody pulp, it has nothing to do with the supposed "consuming their cuteness for energy" that's usually ascribed to it. He only does it to prevent the spread of Bird Flu. This dangerous disease threatens all of humanity and recently jumped from birds to weasels. Reynolds discovered that it's now affecting dogs:
and he's just trying to save the world from disease-ridden mutants, sort of like when Darth Vader blended the Jedi Younglings in Star Wars Episode III in an attempt to save the Old Republic.
ABBI: I see... what about the Robot Dancing?
TWIST: Glenn Reynolds believes in celebrating multicultural diversity, and as part of his Black History Month festivities, he showcased several dance styles - like the Robot Dance - made popular by great African-American entertainers like MC Hammer, Michael Jackson, Vanilla Ice, and Donny Osmond. It's his way of fighting back against racism.
ABBI: But doesn't he usually do his Robot Dancing while praising communists?
TWIST: You know, Abbi, great African-American leaders such as Dr. Martin Luther King were also frequently smeared as communists by the racist right-wing media, and I'm disappointed by your crass perpetuation of this bigoted myth. Thank God for the pioneering work of Mr. Reynolds. With his help, the healing can finally begin.
ABBI: What about the Satan-worshipping?
TWIST: Another attempt at prejudicial fear-mongering. His religious services are frequently described as "Black masses in service of the Prince of Darkness", but surely you can see that "black" and "darkness" are just racist code-words used by the white Republican power structure to promote negative stereotypes against our melanin-enhanced brethren.
ABBI: So you're saying President Bush is a skinhead Neo-Nazi because he worships God?... Well, I guess that explains why he blew up the levees in New Orleans... What about Glenn's habitual punching of Frank J.? Is that a symbolic blow against the white Republican power structure?
TWIST: No, it's just fun to make Frank J. cry like a girl.
ABBI: I see... Well, that's all the time we have today. Join us next week here at "On The Story" when superstar blogger Michelle Malkin will be sharing her recipe for minced kitten brownies.
March 03, 2006
Glenn Reynolds - What's He Hiding?
Posted by Harvey at 10:07 PM
Which makes wonder how he knows so much about illicit items such as this that he could confirm or deny its legitimacy from a thousand miles away. Isn't that more knowledge than a simple country lawyer should have?
Made me wonder what he's been up to, so I tossed his house while he was out pimping his book, and although I didn't find any chemical or biological weapons, I *did* find the following suspicious items:
* A scale model of New Orleans with signs near Lake Pontchartrain saying "levee bombs go here".
* An original vintage 1960's Easy Bake Meth Lab.
* A copy of John Wayne Gacy's "Clowning For Dummies".
* A Samurai sword forged in 593 B.C., with the metal in the blade folded over 200 times.
* A first edition of "To Serve Man", in the original Kanamit.
* The shrunken head of Steven Den Beste.
* Michele Malkin's minced kitten brownie recipe.
* A "Tickle Me Osama" doll.
* A small vial of something which I did not smell, and therefore assume to be Iocane powder.
I also found a voice-operated blender in every room with varying amounts of leftover puppy coagulating in them, but these didn't strike me as being odd.
All I have to do now is figure out what he plans to do with all this stuff...
February 24, 2006
Mythbusters Does Instapundit
Posted by Harvey at 06:13 PM
Discovery Channel has a show called "Mythbusters" wherein special-effects experts Adam Savage and Jamie Hyneman examine popular urban legends, constructing elaborate experiments to determine whether they have any basis in fact. For example, if you use a bullet in place of one of your truck's fuses, can it go off and shoot you?
Recently, Adam & Jamie undertook one of their most intriguing investigations to date: Does the cuteness of a puppy actually effect its potency as an energy drink, as claimed by Glenn Reynolds?
First, test puppy A:
Wow! That's one ugly puppy!
After thorough blending:
The beverage was fed to an anonymous test subject, known only as F.J:
Hmmm... doesn't look too energetic...
Next, test puppy B:
Blend! Blend! Blend:
What does F.J. think about this one?
And there you have it folks, Glenn Reynolds was right: "the cuter the puppy, the better the energy drink"
Be sure to check out Mythbusters next week when they investigate whether worshipping Satan can make your crappy book rise to #1 at Amazon.
February 17, 2006
Glenn Reynolds Proves His Point
Posted by Harvey at 07:07 PM
During a recent interview on CNN, Glenn took the Legacy Media to task for not showing the infamously offensive Muhammed cartoons, saying "I think when you cover things up, you let people's imaginations run wild, and the results are often worse than if you expose things. The press is there to tell us things, not to hide things from us."
Ironically, CNN proved Glenn's point by omitting the portion of the interview where Glenn held up this controversial political cartoon:
Also omitted was footage of journalists rioting outside the building after the interview, where an ugly puppet of Reynolds was burned in effigy.
I know I'm risking my life by posting these pictures, but if I don't, then the journalists win.
February 10, 2006
Instapundit Issues Fatwa
Posted by Harvey at 08:01 PM
After this controversial picture of a young girl holding a stuffed puppy appeared on the CENTCOM web site, the leader of the Instapundslam religion, Imam Glenn al-Reynolds, issued a fatwa condeming the image:
"The central tenet of Instapundslam is that puppies should be blended to make potent energy drinks for the blogging faithful. It is blasphemy of the highest order to depict them in any form that is either adorable or unblended. This cuddly manifestation of our sacred power source is an affront to our beliefs. We demand an apology and the immediate pureeing of this unholy fluff-filled icon. Hmmm. Heh. Jihad. Indeed."
The heart-warming image of the loveable tot and her cherished toy has provoked uncontrolled rioting and robot-dancing world-wide by outraged Instapundslamists.
Blogger Michelle Malkin denounced the fatwa as "the fevered rantings of a power-hungry, Satan-worshipping, hobo-murdering madman", and encouraged bloggers everywhere to protest al-Reynolds' pronouncement by posting pictures of themselves snuggling with stuffed animals and sending a trackback to her site.
"Honestly," said Malkin, taking a bite of a brownie made from minced kittens, "what kind of wacky religion would drink blended puppies?"
February 03, 2006
Posted by Harvey at 06:39 PM
Sometimes I really regret signing up for Instapundit's mailing list. Every day it seems like my inbox is bogged down with notices about his latest illicit get-rich-quick scheme.
Like this one, for example:
From: Glenn Reynolds - Blogospheric Overlord
To: Those who will someday kneel before me
Now that Google has cast aside its foolish "core belief" of "don't be evil", I've been able to partner with them to bring you:
A clearinghouse for information on all the illegal, immoral, questionable, offensive, and/or downright shady products and services offered by Evil Glenn Industries, Inc.
With the power of Illoogle™, you'll have access to:
Pup-A-Mule - Tired of risking your loved ones' lives by having them swallow heroin balloons? With Pup-A-Mule, you can turn any puppy into your own personal 4-legged drug importation vector. Kit comes with surgical steel scalpel, Ziploc brand re-sealable HeroIn Bags, and Arrow brand tummy-stapler for post-insertion closure.
Legal Notice: Not responsible for personal injury due to unremoved tummy-staples in puppy shakes.
Sacra-Hobo - Need a human sacrifice to appease your Satanic master's need for fresh blood? You could shop your local Screen Actors Guild Union Hall (it's not like anyone would miss a Tim Robbins or two), but why not let us deliver a US Grade A Government Select hobo right to your door, instead? Bound, gagged, and pre-inebriated to reduce struggling, these pathetic creatures are accepted as payment on soul-for-power contracts by most major evil deities.
Legal Notice: Be sure to check your soul-for-power contract for specific terms and conditions. Not responsible for unspeakable afterlife torturings resulting from contract breaches.
Mo-ha-ha-ha-med - Live in a country that's caved in to terrorist demands to censor cartoons that make fun of Islamic prophets? Look no further than the Mo-ha-ha-ha-med web portal, where you can find all the funniest portrayals of the head-choppingest, child-bride-takingest, bomb-for-a-turbinest prophet that ever wrote a Koran. Don't let YOUR cowardly government control what you can and can't see. Use Mo-ha-ha-ha-med and take a firm stand for free speech!
Legal Notice: Not responsible for renegade JOOOOOOS! having fatwahs issued against them.
CommieTruth.com - Ok, I lied. Screw free speech. APPROVED speech is where it's at. CommieTruth.com is the only search engine guaranteed to provide the 100% capitalist-pig-opinion-free information that my Maoist masters feel that it's safe for you to know. After all, those guys are smart enough to oppress 1.3 billion people. You've probably never even oppressed a goldfish, so who the hell are YOU to say that rude little Tiananmen Square rumor is true? Huh? HUH?... that's what I thought... you just keep your yap shut, little man.
Legal Notice: YAY! Commies!
You'll also find:
Plus hundreds of other specialty sites, only available through:
January 27, 2006
Glenn Reynolds Hijacks Pluto Spacecraft!
Posted by Harvey at 08:59 PM
Did you see Instapundit's post on the New Horizons probe that was launched toward Pluto? He seemed quite indifferent about the whole thing, which is - for a dweeby techno-geek like him - VERY suspicious.
Thanks to some NSA eavesdropping transcripts, I found out why Glenn was trying to avoid drawing attention to the launch beforehand. He had a sinister plot for using the New Horizons ship for his own nefarious purposes. Specifically, he's going to use it to murder hobos to curry favor with Satan in order to maintain his position as the most powerful blogger in the world (as foretold by The Prophet Frank J.).
Yeah, I know how unbelievable it sounds, but I have proof. Glenn sketched out his plan on the back of a napkin during a recent trip to the Memphis Zoo. I stole it while he was busy staring at the penguins & mumbling something about "pretty, pretty feathers".
Evidence in the extended entry with Glenn's notes in italics...
1) Steal super-secret S.M.I.T.E. technology from Frank J. and use it to build the Space Platform for Hobo Elimination, Removal, and Eradication (S.P.H.E.R.E.)
2) Sneak S.P.H.E.R.E. aboard New Horizons ship.
3) Have New Horizons ship deploy S.P.H.E.R.E.
4) Murder hobos from space, thus currying favor from Satan and maintaining my cruel stranglehold on the blogosphere.
5) Blog with minimal commentary and link any crappy post I want, with no fear of losing traffic.
Yeah, I thought he was already doing that last one, too.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go shave my stubble.
*looks worriedly skyward*
January 20, 2006
Totally True Tidbits About Glenn Reynolds' DNA
Posted by Harvey at 10:41 PM
After being discovered in Los Angeles surrounded by a pile of recently-sacrificed hobos, Glenn Reynolds underwent a DNA test to see if he was the real killer.
Well, you KNOW what happens to DNA evidence in trials for murders committed in California, so Glenn walked, based on the fact that his hobo-murdering gloves were two sizes too small.
Ah, the power of washing things in hot water.
Nevertheless, I *did* manage to get ahold of a copy of the lab report on Glenn's DNA, from which I compiled (in the extended entry) these:
While most humans have 98% of their DNA in common with a chimp, Glenn is 99% poodle.
Glenn's DNA will begin robot dancing if exposed to pure commie evil and/or Ted Kennedy.
Glenn's DNA was once shot a man for snoring too loud.
Remember that mobile weapons lab they found in Iraq? It was used for manufacturing Glenn's DNA.
Most people have Adenine, Guanine, Cytosine, and Thymine making up their DNA sequences. Glenn has Iodine, Einsteinium, Nitrogen, and Dysprosium, with the most common sequence being "I-N-D-E-E-D".
If Glenn's DNA bites you, you will start blogging by the next full moon.
If you're already a blogger, you will launch a blog ad consortium called "Lingerie Media" which people will make fun of.
Glenn's DNA made a cameo appearance during the Cantina scene in Star Wars. Look closely while Luke is talking to the bartender.
Glenn's DNA is used as currency in Iraq, although they pronounce it "dinar".
The secret ingredient in Underdog's "Super Energy Vitamin Pill" was Glenn's DNA. How's that for irony?
Traces of Glenn's DNA were found all over New Orleans, leading to speculation that Hurricane Katrina was caused by Glenn's typing too fast.
Glenn's DNA shows scars from where he had the "basic human decency" gene surgically removed.
Extensive testing on Glenn's DNA reveals that he's the real father of all those creepy "Village of the Damned" kids.
Glenn's DNA is featured prominently in the "Organic Chemistry Gone Wild: Spring Break" DVD.
Glenn's DNA released a rap album under the name "Vanilla Splice".
Injections of Glenn's DNA will cause a laboratory rat to grow inside a cancerous tumor.
If you're attacked by Glenn's DNA, point behind it and shout, "Look! An unlinked Ann Althouse post!". Flee when it turns to look.
Due to a defect in the 23rd chromosome, Glenn's DNA can NOT be trained to walk down stairs like a Slinky.
"What walks down stairs, alone or in pairs, and makes a slinkity sound?"... GAH! Now I can't get that stupid song out of my head!
Glenn's DNA always cries at the end of "Old Yeller".
And remember, the most commonly available source of Glenn Reynolds' DNA is rent-by-the-hour motel mattresses.
Oh, wait... that's for Kennedys.
January 13, 2006
First Issue of Instapundit's Magazine Hits the Stands
Posted by Harvey at 06:31 PM
As his lust for power consumes him, Glenn Reynolds continues to stretch his Empire beyond the blogosphere, and begins to insinuate his corrupting tendrils into the world of print media.
Cover shot of issue #1 in the extended entry...
January 06, 2006
New James Bond Movie
Posted by Harvey at 11:10 PM
When I first heard that Glenn Reynolds would be starring as the villain in the new James Bond movie, I thought it was a bad choice. Maybe not as horrid as Richard Kiel's performance as "Jaws", but still...
Anyway, the official poster for the new flick is in the extended entry. Check it out & see if you think Reynolds has any potential.
December 16, 2005
How Evil Glenn Stole The Christmas Assignment
Posted by Harvey at 06:50 PM
...for what's in the extended entry...
Every blogger In the blogosphere Liked the Alliance a lot...
But Evil Glenn,
Evil Glenn hated the Alliance!
"And this new assignment" he snarled with a sneer.
...All the bloggers would rise
Then the bloggers, young and old, would sit down to post.
They'd ping! And they'd ping!
Then he got an idea!
"I know just what to do!" Evil Glenn laughed in his throat.
"All I need is a T-shirt babe..."
Then Evil Glenn started posting
His front page would go dark. With no more "Indeeds".
Glenn hated to lie to all his blog friends.
Then he slithered and slunk, the black-hearted fink,
Then he slunk to their blogrolls and clicked all their friends!
Then he filled all their comments with just a few tries.
Evil Glenn laughed at the crap he'd started to post
Evil Glenn had been caught by this blogosphere daughter
But, you know, Evil Glenn was so smart and so slick
And his fib fooled sweet Susie. Then he patted her head
Then the last thing he hacked
And then with an Instalanche
It was quarter past dawn...
With no one to challenge his Higher Being perch,
"That's a post," grinned Evil Glenn,
But these postings weren't sad!
He stared down at the blogs!
Every Blogger in the Alliance, the big and the small,
And Evil Glenn, with his Robot Dance paused in mid-thrust,
And what happened then...?
INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!
December 09, 2005
Evil Glenn Plans Wedding Crash!
Posted by Harvey at 07:48 PM
When Frank & Sarah get married, there's one thing they'll have to watch out for... (see extended entry)
(click to enlarge)
Glenn Reynolds trying to upstage the bride.
Remember, Frank, Sarah will be the pretty one. Try not to get confused.
December 02, 2005
Glenn Reynolds at the Airport
Posted by Harvey at 07:53 PM
This week's Filthy Lie Assignment was to answer the question:
What was Evil Glenn's connection to the mob that attacked the New York Air desk at Washington National Airport?
Turns out there was no connection at all.
Seems Glenn was just trying to catch a flight to Iraq so that he could share Thanksgiving dinner with the troops, as seen in this completely non-photoshopped image:
The unruly mob?
They all wanted to get tickets to Amazon.com's headquarters in Seattle, so they could... discuss... why their 1-star reviews of Cindy Sheehan's book got deleted:
November 25, 2005
The Cruelty of Glenn Reynolds
Posted by Harvey at 08:49 PM
Recently someone asked me, "Hey Harv, how come you're always picking on Glenn Reynolds? You nursing some kind of grudge for something he's done to you?"
So what else could I do but answer him?...
...With a song...(see extended entry)
You're asking what Glenn's done to me? It's pretty plain for all to see His vile deeds have ruined my life Filled it full of stress and strife!
My dog was blended by this man
Made off with my credit card
Wrapped my car around a tree
Didn't link my funny post
Grafittied my walls, stole my wallet
November 21, 2005
And All This Time You Thought Frank J. Made Up That Puppy-Blending Thing
Posted by Harvey at 12:06 PM
Glenn Reynolds comes right out in the open and says which blender he likes best.
Sure, he doesn't mention the puppy part, but I think we can connect the dots.
[Hat tip to Sarah of That's Not Very Nice! for the heads up]
November 18, 2005
Light Blogging At Instapundit Explained
Posted by Harvey at 09:18 PM
Glenn Reynolds recently apologized for a spate of light blogging at Instapundit, claiming to be "busy" with his new book. However, recent leaks from Scooter Libby show that he was actually working on a viable "exit strategy" to bring the troops home from Iraq, which the House is voting on tonight. The full text of the strategy follows in the extended entry...
1) Announce immediate pullout of all American troops from Iraq.
2) Observe Iraqis - note who cheers at the announcement.
3) Help cheerers celebrate with a White Phosphorus fireworks display that "somehow" goes horribly wrong.
4) Finish installing Iraqi democracy.
5) Immediately withdraw US troops.
Might have to "celebrate" the cheerers at ABC News next.
November 11, 2005
Notice of Class Action Lawsuit
Posted by Harvey at 08:26 PM
Just got a letter in the mail today:
From the office of Glenn Reynolds, Esq., J.D., PPBLNDR:
Since the earliest days of the American Republic, people have looked up into the night sky with awe and wonder, seeking hope and inspiration for their lives as they contemplated the heavenly lights, the most brilliant and uplifting of which is... The Moon.
Yet there are those who - in their desperate quest for filthy profits - would desecrate this sacred symbol of ancient wisdom.
Like Frank J., of IMAO who proudly - PROUDLY! - displays a picture on his site of our precious moon being atomically violated:
This atrocious sight has been clinically proven to induce Post-Traumatic Nuclear Moon Syndrome in those viewing this image. Symptoms of PTNMS include:
* Fear of looking up at the night sky
If you or someone you love exhibits any of these PTNMS symptoms brought on by Frank J's reckless moon abuse, you may be entitled to compensation. Just send an e-mail to EvilGlenn@emptythedeeppockets.com explaining how your life has been decimated by irresponsible luno-nuclear photoshoppery and let me help you along the road to healing.
Glenn Reynolds is nothing but a vile, avaricious, gold-digger! Show your support for IMAO by buying a Nuke The Moon T-shirt today. $1 from every sale will go directly to the IMAO Moon-Nukers Legal Defense Fund and/or toward buying SarahK shiny, pretty things.
November 04, 2005
Posted by Harvey at 05:40 PM
Just wondering if anyone's seen it yet?
October 28, 2005
Hmmm... Needs More Nazi...
Posted by Harvey at 10:39 PM
(A Filthy Lie of sorts)
Laura from Can't Keep Quiet took a look at logo for the Alliance of Free Blogs:
and decided that it looked a lot like a certain Nazi logo:
dropping broad hints along the way that of course a bunch of fascist right-wingers would choose a Nazi symbol to represent their organization.
Being as she's liberal, she is - by definition - completely and inarguably correct in her analysis.
In fact, it's time for Alliance to goose-step out of the closet and go with the logo that we'd REALLY like (see extended entry):
October 21, 2005
Evil Glenn's Alien
Posted by Harvey at 10:36 PM
Some of you may have seen this Day By Day cartoon and wondered, "Why does Glenn Reynolds have an alien living at his house?"
Turns out it's not REALLY an alien. It's Phin, from Phin's Blog.
It's all part of Glenn's plan to destroy any bloggers who might threaten his rulership of the blogosphere. His first target, naturally, was IMAO. After all, it WAS Frank J. who first exposed his puppy-blending habit.
So he hired Phin, who - bitter at not being invited to join IMAO - agreed to use his awesome photoshopping powers to destroy IMAO once and for all.
With dreams of vengeance twisting his mind, he developed an image so inhumanly revolting that a single glance would send any IMAO reader screaming into the night, clawing at his eyes, never to return again to the now-accursed URL of www.imao.us.
The only way to defeat Evil Glenn's foul plot is to not view the extended entry...
Aren't you glad you didn't click?
On the bright side, Phin has been captured and now faces punishment for his crimes against humanity.
September 30, 2005
Posted by Harvey at 10:40 PM
First Frank brings up the fact that Glenn Reynolds may have switched his blending preference from canine to ursine.
Then Frank gets all sexist by suggesting how incompetent a mob of female assassins would be.
Combining these ideas, I can't help but wonder how Instapundit would be different if Reynolds were a woman.
First, I guess she'd be referred to as "Evil Glennda".
Probably still blend puppies, since dogs are man's best friend, and you know how jealous women can get.
Blending bear cubs? Definitely, since most women think guns are icky, and all American bears are kept armed (it's right there in the Constitution, people).
Yeah, I know SarahK's a woman and she LIKES guns, but she's really pretty and - since you know how jealous women can get - it's just another reason for bear-blending to Glennda.
But would Glennda still be conservative?... Doubtful, since most women are touchy-feely liberals.
Yeah, I know Ann Coulter's conservative, but she's blond and pretty (just like SarahK!) and - since you know how jealous women can get - it implies that Glennda would blend anthing blond or even yellow, like bananas and canaries - possibly with honey, strawberries, dishwater, bleach and/or peroxide.
Punching Frank J.? Oh HELL yeah! Even pretty girls like SarahK enjoy THAT!
Satan-worshipping? Nah... all chicks are Christians who drag you to boring church services & tell you to read the Bible, then get mad when you start reading the dirty parts, like where Solomon is ogling naked women whose breasts are like clusters of grapes.
Murdering hobos? Well, women DO like that unkempt "bad boy" look, and they seem to prefer men who drink too much (just like SarahK!). Of course, all women eventually DO go crazy and give midnight Bobbitectomies, so I'm not sure whether to count that as murder or not.
Penguin Porn? Women just don't like porn. However they ARE hot for a man in a tux - expecially if he looks like a bad boy & drinks too much. Glennda might watch it if it were one of those soft-core things on Lifetime or Oxygen.
Other than that, probably the only noticable change to Instapundit would be a barely-noticable alteration of the background hue on the site:
Think there'd be any other differences?
September 16, 2005
About Glenn Reynolds
Posted by Harvey at 07:49 PM
If you're one of the few people that still goes to Instapundit, you've probably noticed how pathetic his "about me" post is. Sure, he's got a tiny blurb about "I wrote this & that wonderfully boring piece of tripe, gaze upon my works ye mighty and despair", but he really needs something more... personal. Something to make him seem more human.
Or less INhuman, as the case may be.
So I thought I'd do my part to help the old guy out - since he finally linked the podcast - and recommend some biographical tidbits that he ought to share.
ABOUT GLENN REYNOLDS
* Glenn got to be the top blogger in the Ecosystem through a series of carefully targeted assassinations, which explains why you never hear about JimmyHoffa.com anymore.
* Glenn invented reusable toilet paper, which, for some reason, never really caught on.
* Except in France.
* Glenn's owns an '88 Yugo with license plate PPBLNDR
* Glenn's incredibly thick geek-glasses were originally a gift from a fat kid who used them to start campfires while stranded on an island with a group of feral boys.
* Glenn's day job is with the law firm of Dewey, Cheatham, and Howe.
* Glenn's first web page was actually a Judy Garland fan site.
* It was later sold to Andrew Sullivan for an undisclosed sum.
* According to Glenn, baby seals "taste just like chicken"
* Glenn owns 7 shirts, 7 ties, 7 pairs of pants, 7 pairs of socks, 7 pairs of underwear, 7 sports coats, and 7 pairs of shoes, all exactly the same. It saves him the trouble of having to decide what to wear on any given day.
* Unfortunately, he keeps grabbing the same set of clothes, much to the dismay of those who have to work with him on Fridays.
* Somewhere a portrait of Glenn is magically growing increasingly old and ugly.
* Glenn owns a very popular chain of fast food joints in Tennessee called "EvilBurger"
* People say the burgers "taste just like chicken."
If you know any of any important biographical tidbits that I've missed, you can drop them in the comments.
September 09, 2005
Posted by Harvey at 07:54 PM
Have you ever travelled to a foreign country and tried to ask where the bathroom was, only to discover that - in the native monkey-jabber - the words you used actually meant something entirely different? Like you just asked the guy if you could lick his elbow, and then he punches you right in the face and you have to get nine stitches?
I can't be the only one that's happened to.
Anyway, I know that if you go travelling, you'll want to keep in touch with the blog world, so you'll be tempted to mention to a native that you're going to check Instapundit. However, I must warn you that doing so may be fraught with danger. So in an effort to prevent future international incidents, I thought I'd check on what "Instapundit" meant in various foreign languages. Before you open your mouth in some filthy, non-American cesspool of a country, check the list:
Arabic - Those camels are sexually desirable.
Chinese - I enjoy shoving rice up my nose.
Korean - Your hair is quite poofy.
Zulu - I offer three plump goats for your daughter.
Eskimo - My club is too small to kill that baby seal.
Klingon - I have dishonored your family by mating with your mother, who is quite ugly.
Hebrew - Is that shake made with kosher puppies?
Democrat - My taxes are too low. Please raise them with great haste.
Irish - Let's drink and fight!
Kurdish - I miss Saddam.
Portuguese - Ricky Martin! Mmmm... FOXY!
Esperanto - I think we should resort to cannibalism.
Icelandic - With hindsight, I regret licking this flagpole.
Swedish - Are those real?
Thai - Enter my car and I will give you candy.
Italian - Your sister's back hair is quite fetching.
Ukranian - $40 million is too much for such a small nuclear device. You must do better, or I will take my business to Belarus.
Scottish - Is that a bagpipe in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?
Canadian - Instapundit, eh?
I also tried it in French, but - like every other word I tried - it kept coming back as "we surrender". I think the Google Translator might be broken.
If I missed any important languages, feel free to leave your translations in the comm
September 02, 2005
Evil Glenn's BlogAd
Posted by Harvey at 05:28 PM
I knew that Instapundit's been getting worried about Michele Malkin's increasing popularity in the Ecosystem, and I heard a rumor that he was going to start buying BlogAds to keep his traffic up, but I was still a little surprised the first time I saw this:
August 26, 2005
Evil Glenn's Summer Camp
Posted by Harvey at 10:54 PM
So I wandered into the IMAO break room for a cup of coffee to find the lovely and talented SarahK sitting there looking glum...
HARV: Mornin' Sarah. You're looking remarkably underweight today. Why so sad?
sarah: i was just thinking that the imao readers give us so much... we should do more to give back to the community... something charitable
HARV: Well, all the writers that Frank adopted have agreed to not take any money so that Frank J. can shower you with sparkly diamonds. That's sorta like charity.
sarah: i like diamonds! they're shiny and pretty! like the eyes of happy children! you should do something for children so that they look more like diamonds.
HARV: I already help children by beating them up and stealing their lunch money, thus forcing them to work harder to earn replacement money, which improves the economy. EVERYBODY wins!
sarah: ummmm.... maybe there's another way to help children. there's an ad here in the paper that says this summer camp is hiring counselors. i'll bet that would make kids happy. you should apply.
HARV: Well... it IS in Iowa, and I *do* need to do some research for that upcoming podcast...
sarah: great!... oh, and if you see frank on your way out, tell him my diamond collection needs polishing.
...so I went to Iowa, passed the interview by virtue of being able to fog a mirror, and soon found myself in the orientation room getting instructions from the leader of the camp - Glenn Reynolds...(continued in extended entry)
GLENN: Hello, teammates! Welcome to the Glenn Reynolds Super Happy Lucky Fun Dancing And Concentration Camp For Kids. As you know, I'm a big fan of communism, and one of my favorite commies, Hugo Chavez, was recently threatened with assassination by Pat Robertson. I thought I'd cheer him up by sending him a video of dozens of American children doing the robot dance, since NOTHING says "Yay! Communism!" like a good robot dance.
As counselors, your job will be to teach these kids how to dance. We're on a tight schedule, so if the kids start getting tired, just give 'em puppy shakes until they perk up.
Now hop to it, people!
...unfortunately, I was busy listening to the latest IMAO podcast & didn't catch everything he said, so...
HARV: All right kids, we're here to build robots for France, so... YOU!... [squints at nametag]... Timmy... you look the most like Jimmy Neutron... here's a box of toy light sabers. Grab your nerdy little friends & make robots out of these.
TIMMY: No problem, Mr. Harvey... say, what do you want these robots to do?
HARV: Well, they're going to France, so program them to engage in random acts of violence.
TIMMY: But Mr. Glenn said something about making them dance...
HARV: Huh?... oh... then give them guns so they can shoot at the Frenchman's feet. THAT'LL make 'em dance.
TIMMY: But I think Mr. Glenn said that the ROBOTS should dance.
HARV [high pitched mocking voice]: Mr. Glenn said! Mr. Glenn said!... FINE!... make them dancing robots... with guns!
TIMMY: But I can't make bullets out of plastic toys! I need gunpowder for that.
HARV [rolling eyes]: They are NOT paying me enough to put up with this cr... HERE! Here's some baseball bats! Just make it so they swing at those stupid surrender monkeys' legs!
TIMMY: So... what kind of dance should the robots do? Break? Ballroom? Tango? Waltz? Disco? Dirty?
HARV: I DON'T CARE! I'm trying to write Fun Facts About Iowa and I'm still twenty corn jokes short! Just go with that first one you said! Now leave me alone before I beat you up and take your lunch money!
...the night of the big dance videotaping arrived...
HARV [to self]: "now if you'll excuse me, I have to go pick my ear". HA! Pure genius!
TIMMY: The robots are finished, Mr. Harvey. Can we please eat, sleep, or go to the bathroom now?
HARV: Huh?... uh... yeah, whatever. I think Reynolds said there were some guppy cakes or something in the mess hall. Just give me the remote control for the robots... Oh! AND your lunch money.
...I marched the robots up to the stage where Glenn Reynolds was demonstrating the choreography for the production...
HARV [glancing over keypad]: Let's see... AH! "Break"... There they go... uh oh... this doesn't look right... I think I need to find Timmy...
...later, in the mess hall...
HARV: Timmy, it's not that I don't appreciate all your hard work, but when I pressed "break", the robots all started smashing Evil... I mean MR.... Glenn's kneecaps with their baseball bat arms. Not that I mind, you understand, but I *am* a little confused.
TIMMY: Hmmm... let me see that remote... OH! *I* see!... just a typo in the program. It says "break danceR" instead of "break dance". Sorry about that.
HARV [tousling Timmy's hair]: Don't worry about it, ya little scamp. My work here is done. I'm going home. Thanks for all your help, Timmy.
TIMMY: Does that mean you're going to give me my lunch money back?
HARV: Don't push you luck, kid.
...a few days later, back at the IMAO break room, I bumped into SarahK again...
sarah: i heard you liberated an entire camp of innocent children while crippling glenn reynolds for life. now that's what i call giving back to the community! i'll bet those kids had the prettiest, shiniest eyes!
HARV: It went even better than I'd hoped. I finished Iowa, got $53 in change, plus some of the kids even gave up their cell phones. I smell an economic boom ahead.
sarah: any diamonds?
HARV: Nah. But I did get a gold tooth from this one kid who was a little slow reaching for his wallet... here, you can have it.
sarah: oo! it's pretty and shiny!
HARV: And the best part is that - with Reynolds being in the hospital and unable to blog - he's no longer number one in the Ecosystem. It's Michelle Malkin's blogosphere now, and... uh oh...
sarah: STOP TALKING ABOUT MICHELLE MALKIN! SHE'S NOT PRETTIER THAN ME! I'LL KILL YOU! DIE! DIE! DIE!
...so as I lay here in the hospital getting my bullets removed, it occurs to me that the next time the nurse comes by to take my temperature, I should probably try to steal the diamond out of her wedding ring so that maybe SarahK won't shoot me so much next time I see her.
She's got a bit of a vengeful streak, ya know.
I just hope she didn't do anything to Michelle Malkin...
Uh oh... Ecosystem rankings... August 26th, 2005...
MALKINO DELENDA EST?
August 19, 2005
The Life and Times of Instapundit
Posted by Harvey at 04:55 PM
I heard a rumor that Glenn Reynolds was writing his biography.
Apparently I was slightly misinformed.
Instead of cranking out some 957-page pile of blathering crap, he managed to condense his life into a single song.
And thanks to a little bit of covert hackery, I've managed to obtain a copy of his little ditty WEEKS before it hits iTunes.
SYMPATHY FOR GLENN REYNOLDS
Please allow me to introduce myself I’m a man of hits and links Always been atop the blogosphere Even though my writing stinks Got the power when I gave my soul To Satan for a trade All I needed was a hobo In which to stick my blade Pleased you linked me I am NUMBER ONE! But what’s puzzling you Is how I get it done I strolled around old Shanghai Arm in arm with Chairman Mao He wanted a commie dictatorship I said I'd show him how I was the skank Who grabbed a puppy's flank Made the blender whirr Then the dog I drank. Pleased you linked me I am NUMBER ONE, oh yeah Ah, what’s puzzling you Is how I get it done, oh yeah I danced with glee Robot style, you see Twitching my flat butt And my flabby gut I shouted out, I'm gonna punch Frank J. 'cause don't you think He looks a little gay? Let me please introduce myself I’m a man of hits and links And I like penguin pornography It's just one of my little kinks Pleased you linked me I am NUMBER ONE, oh yeah But what’s puzzling you Is how I get it done, oh yeah, link me, baby Pleased you linked me I'm still NUMBER ONE, oh yeah But what’s confusing you Is how I get it done Just as every blog wants an Instalanche And I won't give one out Ignored blogs Just call me Evil Glenn ’cause I only link Ann Althouse So if you link me Have some courtesy Bow down and kiss my ring Link all my Hmmms, Hehs, and Indeeds I'm the Ecosystem's KING! Pleased you linked me I am NUMBER ONE, um yeah But what’s puzzling you Is how I get it done, um link it, get down Blog! Blog! Oh yeah, get on down Oh yeah Oh yeah! Link me baby, 'cause I'm NUMBER ONE Link me honey, I'm so NUMBER ONE Link me baby, 'cause I'm NUMBER ONE I blog all the time, and I get it done Blog! Blog! Blog! Blog! Blog! Blog! Blog! Blog! Blog! Blog! Blog! Blog! Blog! Blog! Blog! Blog! Blog! Blog! Oh, yeah I'm NUMBER ONE Link me, baby, I'm NUMBER ONE Link me, sweetie, I'm NUMBER ONE Blog! Blog! Blog! Blog! Blog! Blog! Blog! Blog! Blog! Blog! Blog! Blog! Blog! Blog! Blog! Blog! Blog! Blog! Blog! Blog! Blog! Oh, yeah
August 05, 2005
Evil Glenn - NASA Director
Posted by Harvey at 08:02 PM
Evil Glenn - NASA Director
Rumor has it that Glenn Reynolds has been tapped by NASA to improve our currently-stumbling space program.
His first priority: making sure astronauts don't starve to death if they get stuck in orbit pulling flattened spacemonkeys and other debris off the nose of the shuttle.
Now, we're all well aware of Glenn's preferred energy drink, but the problem is that normal blenders require gravity to keep the puppy in contact with the whirling blades. In a low-gravity environment, the resulting product comes out as a hideous, lumpy mess, not unlike Helen Thomas's face.
To correct this problem, Glenn has invented the zero-gravity puppy blender, as pictured in the extended entry...
360 degrees of blade-contact in 3 dimensions ensure that every puppy smoothie is extra smooth.
Darn clever fellow, that Reynolds.
July 29, 2005
Instapundit For Sale
Posted by Harvey at 08:31 PM
Not long ago, Glenn Reynolds mused that he'd be more than happy to sell Instapundit for the bargain price of $145 million dollars.
Naturally he got flooded with offers, so he ran a contest: "Tell why you should be allowed to buy Instapundit in 200 words or less".
Here are some of the responses:
Muqtada al-Sadr - "According to the Prophet Mohammed, all unbelievers are as filthy hobos in the eyes of Allah, and must be murdered. I will be most proud to carry on Evil Glenn's holy homeless jihad. Will you take a check drawn on a Saudi bank?"
John Bolton - "Once Bush takes his balls out of that little box that Laura keeps them in, he'll FINALLY get around to naming me as ambassador to the UN. I will use the power of Instapundit - and possibly a large wooden mallet - to crush all those stupid foreigners like bugs! LIKE BUGS, I SAY!"
Muzammil Siddiq, Muslim Religious Scholar - "Now that we have issued a fatwa condemning terrorism, we must make this pronouncement be heard from ALL of our most holy sites, including the holiest of all, the site of Imampundit, the most... what?... CRAP!... nevermind..."
Kim Jong Il - "As leader of the #1 dog-consuming nation in the world, what could be more appropriate that having me take control of Ilstapundit and its vast archive of canine-based recipes?"
Condoleezza Rice - "I think Bush might respect me more if I had a powerful blog. Don't get me wrong, I love my job, but I *do* get a little tired of being patted on the head and being called 'my wittle Condi-Wondi'".
Michael Griffin, NASA Administrator - "We just want to own SOMETHING that doesn't have chunks of foam falling off it".
Steve Jobs, Apple CEO - "iNstapundit... got a nice ring to it..."
Michael Eisner, Disney CEO - "We haven't had a hit movie since "Monsters, Inc.", and I'm thinking we could at least make a couple bucks with selling T-shirts on this site or something, and... wait... I KNOW!... "Herbie: Fully Blogged"!... It's so hip and trendy that it can't possibly fail!"
Johnny Depp - "I just finished playing a powerful-yet-creepy reclusive iconoclast with a fetish for short, waddling things that all look alike. I'm SO ready to be the new Instapundit."
AND THE WINNER IS... (in the extended entry)
The City of Memphis - "The City of Memphis hereby takes this site with its power of eminent domain, pays $50 to Mr. Reynolds as "just compensation", and awards the site to Wal-Mart, since it will bring in more tax revenue."
Which may explain Instapundit's new banner:
INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!
July 22, 2005
The Rise and Fall of Painless Self Promotion (updated 7-24-05)
Posted by Harvey at 08:33 PM
On Monday, July 11th, Instapundit was, for a few brief hours, no longer the #1 blog in the Ecosystem, having been replaced by the 30-times-more-popular "Painless Self Promotion."
The next day, things were back to normal, with Instapundit once again on top, and Painless Self Promotion nowhere to be seen. Almost as though it had never existed.
Well, I was there and I know what happened.
It all started just after we finished taping the round-table segment for the IMAO podcast...
(continued in extended entry)
FRANK: All right Scott, you have enough material now? Can we hang up?
SCOTT: Well, Frank, if I take out all the times you said "uhhhh..." in the last six hours, I think I can get 15 minutes out of this, so... yeah.
ALL: YAY! FINALLY!
FRANK: Now before we go...
FRANK: Before we go, I'd like to get some more ideas on how to promote the podcast.
KEVIN: We could pay people to listen to it...
FRANK: That's the DUMBEST thing I've ever heard. I don't even pay you people to WRITE the stupid thing! Besides, I need all my money so that I can give handfuls of giant diamonds to my little sweetie-face.
sarahk: yay! diamonds are pretty! just like me!
SPACEMONKEY: We could try telling people about it instead of hiding our shameful secret like it was some sort of crazy aunt living in our attic.
FRANK: Telling people about it?... Why... that's so crazy, it just might work! Tell ya what, Monkey, I'm putting you in charge of the project.
HARV: I think Kevin should be in charge. He's a lawyer, so he's used to lying to people to make them believe that something bad is good.
KEVIN: I think RightWingDuck should do it. He's Mexican, and with him in charge, the IMAO podcast would soon comprise 14% of all the podcasts in America.
RIGHTWINGDUCK: Nah, make Laurence do it. He's Jewish, so he can pull some strings with the International Zionist Conspiracy.
LAURENCE: Sorry, that only works with money. This is comedy. Who the heck ever heard of a Jewish comedian?
FRANK: SILENCE! I've made my decision. Monkey's in charge, because he's an Alabama hayseed, and they're good at organization, planning, and taking over countries. Look what his people accomplished in the Civil War.
HARV: Uh, Frank, the South...
FRANK: Don't interrupt me!... Monkey, I want you to set up a web site that'll allow us - by which I mean YOU - to shamelessly self-promote the podcast. Meanwhile, I'm gonna hang up and go have marital relations with SarahK.
sarahk: no marital relations until after we're married! now say good-bye to your little friends and go study your Bible while I go make myself pretty for church.
sarahk: WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY? you better not have blasphemed!
FRANK: Uh... I said... "Dalmation!"... It... uh... suddenly struck me what kind of dog I wanted to get.
sarahk: oh... good!... dalmations are pretty!... BUT YOU DON'T GET A DOG UNTIL AFTER WE'RE MARRIED, EITHER!
SPACEMONKEY: You better go, Frank... but what should we call the site?
FRANK: Something like "Shameless Self Promotion", except not that... think of a cooler name... Later guys...[click]
SPACEMONKEY: So... "Shameless Self Promotion" work for you guys?
[general murmurs of assent]
SPACEMONKEY: Ok, so who wants to help me work on this?
RIGHTWINGDUCK: Uh... my wife says my burritos are ready... BYE! [click]
LAURENCE: Zionist Conspiracy meeting... have to decide what to tell Greenspan to do with the interest rates... later guys. [click]
KEVIN: I have to photoshop you guys so you look completely gay... this could take hours... except for Frank's pic...[click]
SPACEMONKEY: Looks like it's up to us, Harv. Any ideas?
HARV: What's in this for me again?
SPACEMONKEY: Uh... bags and bags of money?
HARV: Riiiiight. I've heard THAT before.
SPACEMONKEY: I'll do "Fun Facts About Georgia" for you...
HARV:... so here's the plan... you make up an html page with a link to the podcast, and I'll hijack a popular page to put it on.
SPACEMONKEY: But hijacking is WRONG!
HARV: Yes it is, but this is more like piracy, which means we can wear eye-patches & parrots & say "YARRRRR!" and get lots of hot chicks like Johnny Depp.... Ah!... I see Technorati's FUBAR again... they won't miss their page... try uploading to it Monkey.
SPACEMONKEY: They want a username & password.
HARV: Try "linkwhores" and "404forever"
SPACEMONKEY: Ok... I'm in... page is loading... Hey! It worked!
HARV: Quick! Check the Ecosystem!
SPACEMONKEY: WE'RE #1!!!
HARV: Um... you listed it on the Ecosystem as "Painless", not "Shameless".
SPACEMONKEY: Sorry. Pain and shame are both such a big part my life since I started doing the Podcast that I get them confused sometimes.
HARV: Eh, you can fix it tomorrow. See ya then. [click]
SPACEMONKEY: Hey Harv, it's Spacemonkey.
HARV: Does this mean I don't get the elephant?
SPACEMONKEY: Even worse. You know how we hijacked...
HARV: PIRATED! Yarrrrr!
SPACEMONKEY: Uh... yeah... "pirated"...
SPACEMONKEY: Will you shut up for a second? Apparently "Technorati" is actually an Italian name, and they're related to the Gambinos and the Corleones. They left a "message" for me, suggesting that I give their site back.
HARV: I thought they used horses?
SPACEMONKEY: Apparently Instapundit wasn't happy with being knocked down to #2, so he was glad to help. Anyway, after they got done breaking my kneecaps, I took down our link. Do you think Frank's gonna be mad?
HARV: Nah. I thought this would happen, so I sent him a present to keep his mind off the podcast.
SPACEMONKEY: You got SarahK to give him marital relations?
HARV: Better. I got him that Damnation puppy he wanted.
SPACEMONKEY: Harv... he said Dalmation.
HARV: Dal... uh... CRAP! I gotta make some phone calls.
SPACEMONKEY: Ok, talk to ya next round-table [click]
HARV [dialing frantically]: Hi! Cerberus Hill Puppy Farm? I called this morning about...
Remember folks, DO promote the podcast, but DON'T mess with the Italians while doing it.
July 15, 2005
Glenn Reynolds's New Book!
Posted by Harvey at 09:43 PM
An excerpt from "Maybe I Shouldn't Have Said That: A Job Hunter's Guide" by Glenn Reynolds (in the extended entry)
Chapter 4 Deal Breakers
Most job hunting manuals will tell you that it's a good thing to have some questions ready for the interviewer to show that you have a serious interest in the job being offered. However, I've learned through bitter experience that there are some questions that shouldn't be asked, and some comments that shouldn't be made. For example, the following have all, at one time or another, gotten me an armed escort to the front door:
At the dog kennel:
At the homeless shelter:
At Arthur Murray's Dance Studio:
At St. Peter's Cathedral:
At more places than I can count:
At the CIA:
At Blockbuster Video:
At the blood bank:
At the Suicide Hotline:
At the NAACP:
At the National Organization for Women:
I spent six months in the hospital after that last one. So just remember, people: Be careful - it's a jungle out there
July 08, 2005
The Truth About Frank J.
Posted by Harvey at 10:39 PM
In honor of his third blogiversary (July 9th), I thought I should promulgate some important information about Frank J.
It's not always pretty, but the readership deserves to know these:
TOTALLY TRUE TIDBITS ABOUT FRANK J.
Frank J is actually a demented cyber-demon from another dimension, and his "In My World" posts are reprints from his world's version of the New York Times.
Even though Frank J. professes to like guns, he doesn't actually own any. His only weapon is a pair of fingernail clippers.
These were recently confiscated at the airport, so he is now defenseless. Go punch him.
Frank J. has been known to use third-rate, spam-infested search engines like Alltheweb.com instead of Google when doing research for his Frank Answers posts. This may explain why a question such as "How many parsecs in a light year?" will receive answers like "V!@GR@"
Frank J. has a web site. People visit, receive immense pleasure, and go away. Yet afterwards, Frank J. still has his web site, which he will use again and again in an attempt to make money. Although this is analagous to what a prostitute does, this does not make Frank J. a whore.
A T-shirt pimp, maybe, but not a whore.
Frank J's grandfather, Frank H., was exiled from France in 1939 because - due to a tragic childhood accident - he was unable to raise both arms above his head, thus making him unfit for French citizenship.
Despite Frank J.'s devotion to the Christian faith, God still thinks Scrappleface is funnier.
When he goes to the shooting range, Frank J. always draws chimp ears on the targets and screams "Die, you simian bastard!" between trigger squeezes.
You laugh now, but when the monkey menace invades, you'll be begging for Frank's protection.
Frank J. is NOT happy to see you. That's just a pistol in his pocket.
Or possibly a pair of nail clippers.
When he's not blogging or podcasting, Frank J. is secretly buying black-market fissionable materials and missile technology from former Soviet-bloc countries. That moon ain't gonna nuke itself, ya know.
In a battle between Frank J. and Aquaman, Frank J. would hold a flounder hostage and threaten it with a Popeil Pocket Fisherman while he made good his escape.
In a battle between Frank J. and Hurricane Dennis, Frank would defeat the blustery winds of doom with his mighty katana and fierce battle cry of "I am the great Frank J.! Worship me!"
Which he'd say twice.
I hope this clears up some of the mystery surrounding the legend that is Frank J.
Happy Blogiversary, Ronin.
June 24, 2005
Battle of the Link-Whores: Instapundit vs. the Alliance
Posted by Harvey at 09:52 PM
As Frank mentioned recently, the venerable Alliance of Free Blogs recently had its honor besmirched by Blogcritics.org, which accused us of link-
Well, *I* say that I've they're gonna throw smirch at you, you might as well rub it all over yourself and revel in the ecstasy of it.
But there arose a question of honor even MORE important. Sure, the Alliance of Free Blogs is an idiotically haphazard collection of people who merely want to rank higher on The Truth Laid Bear's Ecosystem, but how did we compare against the top link-whore in the blogosphere? The man who will link anyone, anytime, for any reason or no reason at all (except for ME, of course): Glenn Reynolds.
Well, it just so happens that that question was answered decisively not so very long ago. In fact, I even wrote a little song about it (in the extended entry)...
GLENN REYNOLDS WENT TO THE ALLIANCE
Glenn Reynolds went to The Alliance He was lookin' for a blog to steal He needed more links 'Cause Instapundit stinks And he was willin' to make a deal
When he came upon this blogger
I guess you didn't know it
Now you give gratuitous linkage, boy
The boy said "My name's Harvey
Harvey you fire up MT and link to everyone.
Glenn opened up his laptop case
Then he found a post about Karl Rove,
When Glenn Reynolds finished, Harvey said
Glenn Reynolds bowed his head
Harvey said, Reynolds just come on back
[Instrumental to end]
June 10, 2005
Celebrating the Koran's Versatility
Posted by Harvey at 09:51 PM
I always knew that Glenn Reynolds was a heartless monster - what with his puppy blending, hobo-killing, satan-worshipping, robot-dancing, commie-lovin', Frank J. punchin', peeing on cats' heads... oh wait... that was Frank... penguin pornography, and lack of linkage to the Carnival of Comedy, even when it has a flattering Instapundit theme - but somehow I never expected him to post a list of ways that he's personally mishandled the Koran.
I mean, I knew he was a lawyer & everything, but that's just completely soulless.
UPDATE: That link to Instapundit isn't working, so I've put his entire post in the extended entry...
Heh. There seems to be some sort of kerfluffle about people abusing the Koran down in Gitmo - turns out it's the inmates. Sleeping on it like a pillow, kicking it like a soccer ball, peeing on it like a pregnancy test - things of that nature.
Personally, I don't understand the unpleasant reaction in the Muslim world. I say the imprisoned terrorists are just celebrating the amazing versatility of the Koran.
When most people think "Koran", they think "why do those stupid Arabs spell it with a Q?", but the Koran actually has a variety of uses beyond being a handbook of excuses to commit murder and blame it on God. In fact, here's a list of things I've used a Koran (or at least parts of it) for in just the last week:
* Propping up the short table leg
* Draining sweet, crispy bacon strips
* Emergency Swiffer cloth replacements
* Rolling papers (for legal tobacco use only, must be over 21)
* Making spitballs (just like the ones Democrats supply to the US Armed Forces!)
* Dusting Venetian blinds
* Cat box liner
* Third base
* Wheel chocks
* Picking random words for filling out Mad Libs
* Replacement air filter for my Yugo
* Kotex (well, technically, that was the Instawife)
* Litmus paper (turns yellow in the presence of gunpowder)
* Stadium seat cushion
* Making snowflakes
* Voinovich crying towel
* Clever means of hiding my Necronomicon whilst reading on the bus as I'm casing the vehicle for hobos
All in all an incredibly practical item. Truly the Swiss Army Knife of books.
May 27, 2005
Glenn Reynolds Interview: Overcoming Writer's Block
Posted by Harvey at 10:53 PM
You ever have one of those days where you can't think of a damn thing to write? Sure! We all do! Just look at IMAO on any given weekend.
But does it HAVE to be this way?
Glenn Reynolds posts at least 666 times a day, so I figured if anyone would know how to defeat writer's block it would be Glenn. I arranged an interview with him recently where we discussed the subject. The transcript is in the extended entry.
HARV: So, Glenn, how DOES one overcome writer's block? Is it done - as you seem to do - by picking single-word commentary at random off a list of meaningless interjections, or is there something else to it?
GLENN: Actually, the key to overcoming writers block is mental stimulation
HARV: You mean like the energy you get from chugging a Chihuahua?
GLENN: No, no... puppy shakes are more of a physical stimulant. They're great if you need a little extra UMPH! for doing some high-kick spin-move while Robot Dancing, or if you're planning on smacking Frank J. around like a hooker who's skimming her trick money, but writer's block is more of a mental problem. It means something's not right in your brain, and it needs correcting.
HARV: Personally, I've always thought that about lawyers. So what IS a good mental stimulant?
GLENN: Well, writer's block is a VERY stubborn thing. You have to tap into the most primal of emotions to find the energy to break through. Fear, anger, hatred...
HARV: Are we talking about writing or becoming a Sith Lord?
GLENN: Ya know, if Lucas would've tapped the Dark Side a little more, we could've avoided Jar-Jar entirely. But the point is that stimulating these emotions causes a strong wave of mental force... it acts like a battering ram, and it smashes clean through writer's block.
HARV: Sorta like when Howard Dean hugged his inner idiot really hard and let his primal scream smash clean through his wall of restraint, dignity, and voter-appeal?
GLENN: Exactly... Here's one of my favorite block-busters.
HARV: Glenn... this is just a lame-ass car commercial... this SUCKS!... if I wanted to watch a car commercial, I'd watch that thing with Paris Hilton wearing a teddy while washing a car and eating a hamburger. At least SOMETHING would get stimulated...
HARV: ... or are you trying to tell me that boredom can help you break... AAAAAAAH! ZOMBIE! OH GOD! OH CRAP!
GLENN: Heh. Indeed. Stimulated yet?
HARV: If by stimulated you mean "wet my pants", then - yes. You bastard! Why didn't you tell me a zombie jumps up at the end? What kind of sick, twisted, sadistic monster ARE you?
HARV: Touché... But you know...I... I do feel like writing something...
HARV: Hmmmm... Heh... Indeed...
GLENN: Yes, my young apprentice... your journey to the Dark Side is now complete... Arise... Darth... Harvader.
HARVADER: INDEED... WHAT IS THY BIDDING, MY MASTER?
GLENN: You are to find Frank J. and punch him until he cries like a little girl. Shouldn't take more than one hit to the shoulder.
HARVADER: HEH... AS YOU WISH... [picks up Glenn and prepares to throw him down an air shaft]
GLENN: Wait! What are you doing!
GLENN: Nooooooooooooooo! [falls out of sight]
HARV: Heh. Sucker. Instapundo Delenda Est!
May 20, 2005
To Arianna, With Love... Evil Glenn
Posted by Harvey at 10:20 PM
Odd little post at Instapundit today. Ya know, I was expecting Evil Glenn to be thoroughly upset by Arianna Huffington's upstart blog "The Huffington Post". I mean, you KNOW how he hates having anyone threaten his tyrannical rule of the blogosphere. However, I was surprised to discover that he's actually quite supportive of her efforts. In fact, he's even helped her out by ghost-writing her "Author's Bio" for her. I copied his efforts verbatim, and they're in the extended entry...
Arianna Huffington was born Arianna Stassinopoulos in Greece in 1950, the result of a failed gene-splicing experiment between a Shetland pony and a gyro. She moved to England at the tender age of 16, attending Cambridge University where she was president of the Tea Time Crumpet-Crunchers Society and graduated with a MA in Economics in 1972. Her classmates voted her both "Stuffiest Bint" and "Most Likely to Marry for Money".
After graduation, she shacked up with noted British politician Tarquin Fintimlimbimlimbimwhimbimlin Bus Stop Ftang Ftang Olay Biscuit Barrel (Silly Party). However, dreading the thought of acquiring a last name even more unspellable than "Stassinopoulos", she refused to marry him. She settled instead for draining his bank accounts to satisfy her hair-spray-inhaling addiction, and spending his last few Pounds on a plane ticket to America. There she hoped to whore herself to a new sugardaddy before her looks could dry up.
Like a cash-sucking remora, Arianna clamped onto money-shark Michael Huffington, taking his name in 1986 and the bulk of his fortune in the years following. In 1994, she conned Mike into giving her $30 million to "run his Senate campaign". And run it she did... into the ground. She spent not a single penny toward "get out the vote" efforts, instead squandering it on repeated - and increasingly hopeless - facelifts, 24-karat pedicures, and her now 5-can-a-day hairspray habit. This last giving new meaning to her nickname of "Huffy".
She went on to write several terrible books, none of which bear mentioning other than to note that they all set records for the speed with which they hit the bargain bin.
In 2003, she entered the California Governor's race, only to pull out shortly afterwards, due to the fact that - as election day neared - she was merely a statistical blip on the polls, 50 points behind frontrunner Arnold Schwarzeneggar, and a shocking 5 points behind even Slinky the Wonder Ferret.
Meanwhile, sales of Aqua-Net in California quadrupled, seemingly overnight.
Arianna's latest project is to collect cat-blogging stories from washed-up B-list celebrities and hack columnists. Currently her traffic stats are plummeting faster than Wile E. Coyote stepping off an Arizona mesa while holding an anvil.
This crushing defeat to her monstrous ego has led to increasing suspicions that she's moved past the gateway drug of hairspray. This video clearly... ok, NOT so clearly... shows her attending a recently held kitten-snorting party in a sleazy hotel for transients in East L.A.
Will she seek the help she so desperately needs, or will she descend into the depravity of puppy-blending? Keep checking The Huffington Post for the answer.
Or possibly the Betty Ford Center.
Damn... I wish Glenn were as supportive of MY blogging efforts. The only nice thing he's ever done for ME is call me "chaff".
[Hat tip to Physics Geek for finding the video]
May 13, 2005
Evil Glenn's Farm
Posted by Harvey at 09:33 PM
Glenn Reynolds is pretty much burnt out on blogging. He claims that posting's been a little light lately because relatives are in town, but *I* know the truth - he's getting off the computer and back to his roots as a farmer.
Yup, bought himself 40 acres, tucked away back in a secluded Tennessee valley, and he's raising...
Well, that part's a little disturbing.
You see, Glenn has two great passions in life besides blogging. One is puppies, because - when properly blended - they give him the energy to keep blogging. The other is penguins, because they... well... let's just say they fulfill... other needs.
Being the efficient type, Glenn attempted to combine both animals. Since penguins are hard to come by in Tennessee - not being native and all - he practiced with other canine-avian hybrids to perfect his technique. Some pictures of his early work are in the extended entry...
After all this practice, he was ready to start using penguins. Early results were a bit... off...
A few hard kicks to the Genentic Intermolecularizing Blendificator helped get the eyes right at least:
Heh. Silly Glenn... you need to use the puppy's SKULL as a source for your genetic material - which he figured out, eventually. Leading to the final successful creation of:
Expect Glenn's blogging to become more robust in the near future.
[all pictures courtesy of HumanDescent.com]
May 06, 2005
Evil Glenn's Mother's Day Adventure
Posted by Harvey at 09:10 PM
(A Filthy Lie)
[a customer walks in the door]
Evil Glenn: Good Morning.
Owner: Good morning, Sir. Welcome to the American Flower Emporium!
Evil Glenn: Ah, thank you, my good man.
Owner: What can I do for you, Sir?
Evil Glenn: Well, I was sitting on my throne of blackest ice, filleting a hobo, when a glance at the calendar reminded me of my matriarchal celebratory duties.
Owner: Matriarchal, sir?
Evil Glenn: Maternal.
Evil Glenn: It's almost Mother's Day.
Owner: Ah, Mother's Day!
Evil Glenn: In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, "a little blooming flora will do the trick," so, I curtailed my homicidal activites, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some finely stemmed blossomry!
Owner: Come again?
Evil Glenn: I want to buy some flowers.
(...cont'd in extended entry...)
Owner: Oh, I thought you were complaining about the bouzouki player!
Evil Glenn: Oh, heaven forbid: I am one who delights in all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse!
Evil Glenn: Yo! He be jammin' bad, fo' shizzle!
Owner: So he can go on playing, can he?
Evil Glenn: Most certainly! Now then, some flowers please, my good man.
Owner: Certainly, sir. What would you like?
Evil Glenn: Well, eh, how about some Forget-me-nots.
Owner: I'm afraid we're fresh out of Forget-me-nots, sir.
Evil Glenn: Oh, never mind, how are you on Sunflowers?
Owner: I'm afraid we never have them at the end of the week, sir, we get them fresh on Monday.
Evil Glenn: Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, four of your sunniest Daffodils, if you please.
Owner: Ah! They've been on order, sir, for two weeks. Were expecting them this morning.
Evil Glenn: 'T's not my lucky day, is it? Aah, Foxglove?
Owner: Sorry, sir.
Evil Glenn: Spider Orchid?
Owner: Normally, sir, yes. Today the van broke down.
Evil Glenn: Ah. Lady's Slipper?
Evil Glenn: Lupins? Chrysanthemums?
Evil Glenn: Any Monkshood, per chance.
Evil Glenn: Snapdragons?
Evil Glenn: Goosefoot?
Evil Glenn: Scarlet Plume?
Evil Glenn: Lily of the Valley?
Evil Glenn: Amaryllis?
Owner: (pause) No.
Evil Glenn: Blue Throatwort?
Evil Glenn: Eustoma?
Evil Glenn: Cockscomb, Gillyflower, Love-in-a-mist, Evening Primrose, Statice, Mimosa, Peony, Stonecrop, Montbretia?
Evil Glenn: Carnations, perhaps?
Owner: Ah! We have Carnations, yessir.
Evil Glenn: (suprised) You do! Excellent.
Owner: Yessir. It's..ah,... They're a bit smelly...
Evil Glenn: Oh, I like them smelly.
Owner: Well,.. They're *very* smelly, actually, sir.
Evil Glenn: No matter. Fetch hither the brightly petalled glory! Mmmwah!
Owner: I...think they're a bit smellier than you'll like them, sir.
Evil Glenn: I don't care how f***ing smelly they are. Hand it over with all speed.
Owner: Oooooooooohhh........! (pause)
Evil Glenn: What now?
Owner: The goat's eaten them.
Evil Glenn: (pause) Has he.
Owner: She, sir.
Evil Glenn: (pause) Lavender?
Evil Glenn: Bee Balm?
Evil Glenn: Snow on the Mountain?
Evil Glenn: Painter's Pallette?
Evil Glenn: Queen Anne's Lace?
Owner: No, sir.
Evil Glenn: You...do *have* some flowers, don't you?
Owner: (brightly) Of course, sir. It's a flower shop, sir. We've got--
Evil Glenn: No no... don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.
Owner: Fair enough.
Evil Glenn: Uuuuuh, Sweet William.
Evil Glenn: Ah, well, I'll have some of those!
Owner: Oh! I thought you were talking to me, sir. William Wensleydale, that's my name.
Evil Glenn: (pause) Sneezeweed?
Owner: Uh, not as such.
Evil Glenn: Uuh, Hyacinth?
Evil Glenn: Kansas Feather,
Evil Glenn: Lady's Mantle,
Evil Glenn: Kangaroo Paw,
Evil Glenn: African Corn Lily,
Evil Glenn: Alpine Thistle,
Evil Glenn: Chincherinchee?
Owner: Not *today*, sir, no.
Evil Glenn: (pause) Aah, how about Roses?
Owner: Well, we don't get much call for it around here, sir.
Evil Glenn: Not much ca-- it's the single most popular flower in the world!
Owner: Not 'round here, sir.
Evil Glenn: (slight pause) and what IS the most popular flower 'round hyah?
Owner: Marigolds, sir.
Evil Glenn: IS it.
Owner: Oh, yes, it's staggeringly popular in this manor, squire.
Evil Glenn: Is it.
Owner: It's our number one best seller, sir!
Evil Glenn: I see. Uuh...Marigolds, eh?
Owner: Right, sir.
Evil Glenn: All right. Okay. 'Have you got any?' he asked, expecting the answer 'no'.
Owner: I'll have a look, sir........nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno.
Evil Glenn: It's not much of a flower shop, is it?
Owner: Finest in the district!
Evil Glenn: (annoyed) Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.
Owner: Well, it's so clean, sir!
Evil Glenn: It's certainly uncontaminated by flowers....
Owner: (brightly) You haven't asked me about Daisies, sir.
Evil Glenn: Would it be worth it?
Owner: Could be....
Evil Glenn: Have you --SHUT THAT BLOODY BOUZOUKI OFF!
Owner: Told you sir....
Evil Glenn: (slowly) Have you got any Daisies?
Evil Glenn: Figures. Predictable, really I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place. Tell me:
Evil Glenn: (deliberately) Have you in fact got any flowers here at all.
Owner: Yes, sir.
Evil Glenn: Really?
Owner: No. Not really, sir.
Evil Glenn: You haven't.
Owner: No sir. Not a stem. I was deliberately wasting your time, sir.
Evil Glenn: Well I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you.
Owner: Right-Oh, sir.
(Evil Glenn takes out a gun and shoots the owner)
Evil Glenn: What a *senseless* waste of human life.
April 29, 2005
Questions for Glenn Reynolds
Posted by Harvey at 10:44 PM
The vile and despicable puppy-blender will be attending the BlogNashville wing-ding next weekend. Sadly, I will be unable to attend due to outstanding warrants in Tennessee (hey... she LOOKED 18). However, if I'd been able to make it, and if I'd been able to get some face-time with that over-rated ambulance-chaser, I'd have had a few questions for him, which I'll list in the extended entry
* You post on Instapundit hundreds of times an hour. Do you do EVERYTHING that quickly? How does your wife feel about that? Is that how you got the name "Instapundit"?
* In a battle between you and Aquaman, who would win?
* Your logo is a broadcast tower. Is it true that it used to be a flag at half-mast before you discovered Viagra?
* Boxers or briefs?
* Oster or Waring?
* Which came first - you or the aluminum foil?
* Are you actually a cartoon character? I mean, we've never actually SEEN you and Homer Simpson together at the same time.
* Why doesn't your FAQ page mention your numerous connections to organizations known to support the monkey menace that threatens all human life?
* In your about me picture, you have your hands in your pockets. Do you have six fingers on your right hand, and how much will you pay me not to mention this to Inigo Montoya?
* Do you ever regret blogging about your obsession with gay penguin voyeurism?
* You recently said, "If a coyote eats one of my cats, I intend to make a coyote rug." Do they MAKE blenders that big?
* Will you be merging your blog with Andrew Sullivan's after the wedding?
* Don't you think it's somewhat blasphemous that your hat is both taller and pointier than the Pope's?
* When the Berlin Wall came down, is it true that you used a piece of it to bash in a hobo's skull?
* Did you trade nuclear weapons secrets to the North Koreans in exchange for a truckload of puppies?
* Are you involved in Boston's recent rash of puppy kidnappings?
* You ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight?
* There has been a dramatic rise in obesity among children under the age of 11. Are your PupGurt Brand Yogurt Smoothies to blame for this?
* One of your favorite words is "Indeed", which you always start with a capital "I". Is this also Viagra-related?
Of course, all I really want to ask him is...
WHY WON'T YOU LINK TO ME? HUH? WHY? WHY? WHYYYYYYYY?????
I have a feeling that's going to be the most popular question at the conference.
April 22, 2005
That's COMMISSIONER Reynolds to YOU!
Posted by Harvey at 10:25 PM
After the "there's no steroids in baseball" hearings on Capitol Hill, rumor has it that Bud Selig will be getting sacked as baseball commissioner. Further rumor has it that he will be replaced by someone who has no history of messing with performance enhancers - Glenn Reynolds. If the rumors are true you can probably expect to see the following changes to Major League Baseball (listed in the extended entry):
No more goat-related curses are to be placed on any team without prior approval from the Commissioner and Satan.
Aluminum bats will allowed, as long as they're made from recycled aluminum cans previously collected by murdered hobos.
Umpires replaced by lawyers. Disputed calls will be argued before the organ player, with the winner indicated by the playing of "Baby Elephant Walk".
If a hitter is struck with a pitch, he will be allowed to take his base and beat the pitcher with it.
Bunting will be restricted to red, white, and/or blue.
Outfielders will be allowed to use skeet guns, but only on fly balls. For grounders, they must use a niblick.
To prevent player injury, beer will only be sold in plastic bottles, and all grenades must be non-fragmentary.
All hot dogs served in Major League ballparks must contain 100% AKC-registered ingredients.
No smoking will be allowed in any ballpark. Exceptions for spontaneous human combustion will be made on a case-by-case basis.
Players will no longer be allowed to spit tobacco juice. Exceptions for spitting on Jane Fonda will be made on a case-by-case basis.
Standing during the National Anthem will NOT be mandatory, but punching those who remain seated WILL be.
Any player caught using a 6-fingered glove will be referred to Baseball's Minister of Revenge for punishment. "Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You caught my line drive. Prepare to die.
Home plate will be shaped like a dodecahedron to celebrate Frank J's ascension to Overlordhood.
Instead of the home team automatically batting second during an inning, the visiting team will now have the option to Roshambo for it. (WARNING: Link contains nuts)
Players will no longer be allowed to yell, "Hey! Look behind you!" before attempting to steal a base.
If the game is tied after 9 innings of regulation play, the team's coaches may choose to decide the game with a battle of wits involving two glasses of wine and a vial of Iocaine powder.
Rule not applicable if one of the coaches is Sicilian.
Any Cubs fan who interferes with a ball in play will no longer be allowed to use the phrase "Just wait 'til next year!".
Remember, folks - ego-salving loser-whines are a privilege, not a right.
There's also a rumor that any player who goes out on strike will be summarily fired unless he performs the Robot Dance, but I think that only applies in Japan.
April 15, 2005
Evil Glenn's Reality TV Show
Posted by Harvey at 10:49 PM
After ABC's hit reality TV show "Wife Swap" had production halted due to an incident of child abuse, the network searched around desperately for a replacement show to air.
A junior production assistant at ABC theorized that if people would tune in to watch whiny, bossy, overly-opinionated women switch households, maybe it would be just as good to use whiny, bossy, overly-opinionated computer nerds in their place. Thus was born:
This week: an up-and-coming humor blogger who creates his own masterfully funny stories (sorry, it's NOT Scrappleface) switches places with a stodgy, uncreative, puppy-blending lawyer who hyper-leeches off the creativity of others to maintain his oppressive grip on the throat of the blogosphere. Thinker vs. linker, vamper vs. vampire, who will make the best adjustment to their new pixel-palace? Find out the answer tonight as Frank J. of IMAO and Glenn Reynolds of Instapundit do a
First up (in the extended entry) - Glenn Reynolds takes the helm at IMAO. Will he be able to keep Frank's readers ROTFL? Or will this be the worst disaster since group blogging?...
IMAOInaccurate. Incoherent. Indeed.
In My World: Just Another Day at the Office
posted by Frank G.R. at 7:52 pm
"Hmmm..." pondered President Bush, trying to decide between performing his presidential duties and playing Xbox.
"Heh." chuckled Condoleezza Rice, knowing that Bush would choose the Xbox, leaving her plans for world domination unimpeded.
"Indeed." observed Donald Rumsfeld, not giving a crap what Bush or Rice did, as long as they didn't stop him from nuking Luxembourg, which he'd just selected for elimination by flinging a spitball at a spinning globe.
UPDATE: Chomps growled at the spitball - which made him very angry - before savagely attacking both it and the globe, shredding them both to the subatomic level.
ANOTHER UPDATE: Strategy Page has video of Buck the Marine kill'n foreigners in their dirty foreigner's airplane using only a pointy stick and his own flaming ball of foreigner-kill'n rage.
Next... Frank J. lives the dream as he takes command of the biggest blog in the universe. Will he be able to maintain the traffic flow, or will he crash & burn like a dirty foreigner's airplane?...
INSTAPUNDIT.COMIf you've got a modem, I've got an arrogant opinion. Worship me!
Aquaman has his own blog. I can't decide if that's lame or just completely gay.
posted at 08:26 PM by Glenn F.J. Reynolds
posted at 08:30 PM by Glenn F.J. Reynolds
UPDATE: Or possibly Michael Moore.
posted at 08:38 PM by Glenn F.J. Reynolds
posted at 08:50 PM by Glenn F.J. Reynolds
posted at 08:52 PM by Glenn F.J. Reynolds
Peace out, yo. Minerva's got a date with George Foreman.
UPDATE: Worship me!
posted at 08:59 PM by Glenn F.J. Reynolds
* * * *
And now the results:
Glenn Reynolds at IMAO:
Frank J. at Instapundit:
INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!
April 08, 2005
Evil Glenn - Substitute Teacher
Posted by Harvey at 11:04 PM
Evil Glenn - Substitute Teacher
8am, University of Tennessee: A thoroughly hung-over Glenn Reynolds staggers into a classroom to begin the day...
(see extended entry)
GLENN: Good morning class. Your regular teacher, Ms. Biddy, looked at me like a hobo when she passed me in the hall yesterday, so I murdered her. Now, because UT professors all have a "Santa Clause" in their contracts, that means I have to teach her Women's History class today. Unfortunately, I had a few too many puppy-coladas last night, so I'm not at my peak. If you have any questions, please whisper them now and then shut the hell up... Yes... you in the "Women need men like a fish needs a bicycle" T-shirt.
FISH GIRL: Why should we listen to you? You're a man. You can't possibly have a valid opinion on anything relating to women.
GLENN: Excellent question - if a bit shrill. Truth is, I know a LOT about women, since I'm part of the dominant male hegemony & actually coined the phrase "barefoot & pregnant"... which is how every one of you bimbos in this classroom would be right now if'n I had my way! However, out of respect for the late Ms. Clinton...
FISH GIRL: You mean Ms. Biddy.
GLENN: No name calling... anyway, I'm keeping my opinions to myself today. I've gone to an objective and woman-oriented source for all the information in today's lecture - www.miss-ogyny.com - and I believe that's the same Gloria Ogyny who wrote the feminist manifesto "Apart From the Sanitation, Medicine, Education, Wine, Public Order, Irrigation, Roads, a Fresh Water System, and Public Health, What Have Men Ever Done for Us?"... Or it might be her sister... I don't know. All you broads kinda blur together after a while.... The point is, everything I'm going to teach today is at least as accurate as CBS News.
FISH GIRL: But you're a man - and therefore evil!
GLENN: A - shrill again, B - my evilness stems more from my thirst for puppy shakes than from gender issues. Besides, in preparation for today's lecture I had a bitch smoothie, so I'm as in touch with my feminine side as I'm going to get.... Now... any more questions? Preferably quiet ones...
FISH GIRL: Is this going to be on the test?
GLENN: Yes it will. And I'll be handing out a sheet with all the information from my lecture on it so you'll be able to pass the test easily. Except I'm going to flunk you out of spite because you're prettier than me, even though you ARE a hairy-legged lesbian.
Now - to the lesson: WOMEN IN HISTORY
* The first woman was Eve, who was invented by God about 6000 years ago after an incident where Adam almost drowned while trying to mate with a mermaid.
* After Eve ate the forbidden fruit, God punished her by giving her a menstrual cycle. Adam's punishment was having to put up with Eve's mood swings.
* Women spent the next 5000 years scrapbooking, and thus accomplished nothing of note, outside of occasionally being barefoot & pregnant.
* Ok, Mary's pregnancy with Jesus is worth noting, but outside of that - ZIPPO!
* More scrapbooking. Move along. Nothing to see here.
* Joan of Arc defeated the British at the Battle of Orleans, but was later put to death at the hands of Xena, Warrior Princess during a "Hot Babes in Armor" competition.
* After gaining fame from creating the first American flag, Betsy Ross opened a scrapbooking store, which gave the women something to do while their husbands won the Revolutionary war.
* In 1784, Hannah Adams became the first woman to make a living as a professional writer, with such best-sellers as "The Proper Woman's Guide to Marital Submission" and "Honey, It Wouldn't Kill Ya to Lose a Few Pounds".
* 1881 - Clara Barton founded the American Red Cross after discovering how funny it was to make her husband scream in pain while poking at his wounds.
* 1916 - Montana elected its first female US House Representative, whose first act was to propose a change to House rules allowing bills to be voted on by saying "AYE" or "NAY" instead of using belching contests.
* 1924 - Texas elected its first female Governor, whose legacy includes making "YEE-HAW!" the official State Motto, and armadillos the official State Roadkill.
* 1935 - Pearl S. Buck became the first woman to win a Nobel Prize for literature for her epic novel "Debbie Does Dallas".
* 1947 - Georgia Clark became the first female US Treasurer. She was forced to resign in disgrace a month later in the scandalous aftermath of instructing the IRS to no longer allow hookers to be deducted as a business expense - a move that nearly crippled the shakily-recovering post-war economy.
* 1981 - Sandra Day O'Connor was appointed to the US Supreme Court, thus putting an end to the Constitutional separation of Scrapbooking and State.
* Nothing but scrapbooking since then.
GLENN: Ok, that's the lesson. Any questions?
FISH GIRL: That's the most putrid, revolting pile of crap I've ever heard anyone spout!... Which is really saying something, since I used to date Andrew Dice Clay. You're a disgusting chauvanistic pig! How that hell do you sleep at night?
GLENN: Naked on a pile of money that I earned from personal injury suit contingency fees, why?
FISH GIRL: OO! MONEY! Say, how 'bout I stop by your office after class for a little... "extra credit"?
GLENN: Depends. How do you look in a latex penguin suit?
FISH GIRL: Like hot, sexy magic.
GLENN: ... WELL!... I think that should about do it for today. Just remember, girls, that the history books are still being written, and there's no reason that every one of you can't accomplish something to earn your place in them. After all, the world still awaits its first female, puppy-blending, blogospheric overlordette. Perhaps one of YOU will be the one who finally gets to say:
INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!
April 01, 2005
Glenn Reynold's April Fool's Day
Posted by Harvey at 09:15 PM
So I was trying to get my blogging done tonight when the phone rang...
Voice: Hello. I'm calling from the hospital to tell you that your wife was killed in a horrible mangling car accident. We found her nose and ears, but the rest...
Harv: Oh. Hi, Glenn.
Evil Glenn: April Foo... Wait... how did you know it was me?
Harv: You just called me 30 seconds ago with the same line.
Evil Glenn: Oh... must've hit redial by mistake. Well, since I've got you on the line, there IS something I wanted to talk to you about?
Evil Glenn: This Blog War thing is really wearing me down. I want to surrender to the Alliance.
Harv: That's very French of you, but we've been down this road before and you didn't keep up your end of the bargain that time, so I know you can't be trusted. Besides, it's still April Fools' Day and I'm not letting you get me twice.
Evil Glenn: No, no, I assure you. I'm completely serious. No tricks.
Harv: How come you're not surrendering to Frank J.? He's the Fearless Leader of this cabal.
Evil Glenn: I tried, but he's not available. Ya know that "I sold the domain to a Korean handle & grip company" stunt that he pulled?
Evil Glenn: Well, apparently some people didn't appreciate his April Fools' Day gag. A bunch of his disgruntled fans stormed his house in protest. He's in the hospital now and the doctors are still trying to de-rectify the katana sheath.
Harv: Ow! That's gotta be uncomfy!
Evil Glenn: Heh. Indeed. But besides that, it's quite obvious that you're the REAL driving force in this organization. You've told more lies than Al Franken, Janeane Garafalo, and Michael Moore combined. You're like a blogospheric Air America.
Harv [grinning]: Yeah, I'm pretty despicable, ain't I?
Evil Glenn: A man after my own black heart. You're like a son to me.
Evil Glenn: A son of a bitch, but still...
Harv: Hey! Now just a minute!...
Evil Glenn: And another reason I can't hand Instapundit.com over to Frank is that the changeover would be too obvious. I mean, look at IMAO: all that coffee-out-the-nose hilarity combined with witty insightfulness? The brain-dead zombies that read my crap would have seizures. Can you imagine going from "Indeed" to "If there's one thing I learned from history, it's that people from a long time ago were really, really stupid"? - Exploding heads everywhere!
Harv: Hmmm... I see your point. And since everyone reads Instapundit, everyone would be dead, leaving me with one less reader.
Evil Glenn: Exactly. But with YOUR talentless hackery at the helm - transparent transition.
Harv: I see your point, and... Hey!
Evil Glenn: No time to waste. I need to you assume command of my dark kingdom.
Harv: I don't know... I don't think I'm evil enough. I only had ONE year of law school...
Evil Glenn: Feh. The only difference between a law school graduate and a law school dropout is the number of slutty co-eds they coaxed into bed with the line "I'm going to be a lawyer."
Evil Glenn: 111. See?
Harv: Ok, so I'm marginally evil... but running an empire?
Evil Glenn: I have faith in you, Harv. I think if you put your mind to it, you have the potential to be an Evil Blogospheric Overlord. Let's try something... Pretend you're the new Instapundit... imagine yourself sitting on a throne of blackest ice, your filthy talons caressing a keyboard...
Harv: Mmmm... pure evil...
Evil Glenn: Ok, now, tell me the truth... could you blend a puppy?
Harv: No! That's disgusting!
Evil Glenn: Not even a Yorkie?
Harv: ...maybe a small one.
Evil Glenn: Good. Can you murder a hobo?
Harv: ...is he French?
Evil Glenn: Well... he smells like it.
Harv: Off with his head!
Evil Glenn: Worship Satan?
Harv: I DO admire Bill Gates?
Evil Glenn: It's a start. Robot Dancing?
Harv: I did The Hustle once in third grade.
Evil Glenn: Hmmm... maybe you're TOO evil... Anyway, praising commies?
Evil Glenn: Democrats?
Evil Glenn: Hippies?
Harv: Well, I do have a lava lamp...
Evil Glenn: Perfect! Have you ever punched a blogger?
Harv: Kinda. When I was doing The Hustle, I tripped over my own feet and ended up jamming my elbow into some guy's eye socket, which made him scream "BLAAAAGH!"
Evil Glenn: Close enough. How do you feel about penguin porn?
Harv: Sorry. Strictly hetero. I mean, have you SEEN my wife?
Evil Glenn: Hmmm... not bad. Put a few feathers on her and...
Harv: Watch it...
Evil Glenn: Come on, there's gotta be something?
Harv: Let's see... penguins eat fish... fish are the symbol for the astrological sign Pisces... Taurus is an astrological sign... symbolized by a bull... which is a male cow... cows are on the Wisconsin State Quarter... my wife is from Wisconsin... and I DO find HER attractive...
Evil Glenn: That's a bit of a stretch, but I'll give it to you. So... there ya go. You're evil enough to be the new Instapundit. Now, just click on over to my site and I'll give you the keys to the kingdom.
Harv: Oh goody! I can't wait to start to oppressing the blogosphere! Hah. Hrmmm. Indubitably.
Evil Glenn: Now just type in the password as I give it to you...
Harv: Ah, the POWER!
Evil Glenn: A... P... R... I... L...
Harv: Ok, go on.
Evil Glenn: F... O... O... L
Harv: Ok... I hit enter, but nothing happened.
Evil Glenn: Uh... let me spell that to you again... A... P... R... I... L... F... O... O... L
Harv: Nope, still nothing.
Evil Glenn: You idiot! April Fool!
Harv: You're the idiot! That password doesn't work!
Evil Glenn: You... never mind. Look, you just keep working on it. I'm gonna go pop a Schnauzer in the Waring. Call me back once you figure it out... Dumbass.
So as soon as I get this password to work, Instapundit.com will FINALLY be under Alliance control. I'll let you know as soon as I crack his site.
March 25, 2005
Help Frank and Make Money
Posted by Harvey at 08:38 AM
I got an e-mail from Glenn Reynolds last night. Seems he read Frank's post about letting Africa starve and figured out a way for us all to become stinking rich by supporting Frank's plan. His e-mail explaining it all is in the extended entry [CAUTION! - tasteless insensitivity ahead]:
I was very troubled by the recent report that Social Security will become insolvent by 2041. Then I realized that we don't need government handouts. We can all make a fortune the old fashioned way - by running a fake charity.
Frank's "Let Africa Starve" post gave me the perfect idea. All I need is $1 from each member of the Alliance of Tree Frogs (or whatever you guys are called) for start-up capital, and we can sell a celebrity recording to raise money to starve Africans. I figure if I cut the Alliance in on the skim, you bastards will stop telling filthy lies about me.
I think we could get bushels of cash just by reworking that old "We Are the World" song a bit. Here's what I've got so far:
WE STARVE THE WORLD
There comes a time when we heed a certain call
We can't go on pretending day by day
( CHORUS )
Well, send'em all to hell
( REPEAT CHORUS )
They're all down and out
( REPEAT CHORUS AND FADE )
And after all the Africans are dead, their puppies will be mine for the blending! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!
Meanwhile, let's have no more of this "Instapundo Delenda Est" business, eh partners?
Bow Down Before Me,
March 11, 2005
Evil Glenn's New World Record
Posted by Harvey at 10:43 PM
NOTE: DUE TO MATURE THEMES, READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED
If you weren't watching Fox News tonight, I feel sorry for you, because you missed one HELL of a show.
Inspired by Steve Fossett's recent solo, non-stop, global circumnavigation, the vile and despicable evil dark overlord of the blogosphere and part-time law professor, Glenn Reynolds, was on live TV attempting to set a new world record. I can't find a link to a video clip, but the transcript is in the extended entry.
(note: I forgot to put the evilness in the extended entry last night. I apologize for the oversight. Remember kids, drugs are BAD, m'kay?)
SHEPARD SMITH: ... and we hope Dan Rather dies screaming while choking on his own blood and begging an indifferent God to kill him quickly. But right now, we're sending you out LIVE to Fox News correspondent Melinda Hawkish in Memphis... Melinda?
MELINDA HAWKISH: Thanks, Shepard. Good evening. I'm Melinda Hawkish and I'm here live in Memphis as super-blogger Glenn Reynolds is about to go on trial for his very life on charges of murdering hobos during grotesque Black Mass ceremonies in...
MELINDA: I'm sorry. I've just been informed that that's NEXT week. My bad... TONIGHT I'll be bringing you live coverage of Professor Reynolds as he attempts to set a new world's record in "blogger punching". He... Wait... "blogger punching"? What the HELL is that? Is that a euphemism for something dirty? Because I'm NOT gonna flush my career down the toilet because of some retarded Janet Jackson stunt! You guys can just find another slab of mutton to throw to those wolves at the FCC, because...
MELINDA: Oh... THAT'S not so bad... All righty, then... As I was saying, Glenn Reynolds already holds several world's records, including shoving 54 puppies into a single blender, and Robot-Dancing for 168 consective hours. There's also something involving penguins, but - like I said - the FCC ain't gonna make me their bitch tonight, so we'll skip that one... And here's Reynolds now... Mr. Reynolds!... Mr. Reynolds!
MELINDA: Mr. Reynolds, can you please tell our audience what you'll be doing tonight?
GLENN: Indeed, Melinda. Tonight I'll be attempting to set a new world's record for punching a blogger. Specifically, Frank J. of IMAO. I tried it once in May of 2003, and it was so delightful, I thought I'd indulge myself repeatedly. Heh.
MELINDA: I see. So... Why Frank J.? Isn't there a blogger who's famous - or at least talented - that you could smack around? What about Andrew Sullivan?
GLENN: Heh. Well, as much pleasure as it would give me to bitch-slap that little poofter, I'm afraid the Sullivan-punching record is COMPLETELY out of reach. Political bloggers on both the left AND right have been pummelling him so long that his friends are calling him Andrew Everlast. I think the record on him is something like 6.02x1023 or so. Frank J.'s record, like his face, is much more breakable. Indeed.
MELENDA: I see... and what IS the record for punching Frank J.?
GLENN: The current record is 68, held by SarahK of Texas.
MELINDA: And when was that set?
GLENN: Shortly after Frank started playing virtual footsie with a certain irresistably sexy Asian blogger, who I'd prefer not to name.
MELINDA: You mean Michelle Malkin?
SARAHK: did you say michelle malkin? i hate michelle malkin! i'll strangle you dead! rarrrr!!!
MELINDA: *gak!* *grk!* HELP!
GLENN: Heh. Indeed. That's why I didn't want to mention her name.
MELINDA: Someone get this cow offa me!
SARAHK: i'm not a cow! i'm a snuggle-bunny! rarrrr!!!
GLENN: Hmmmm... Hey! Sarah!... there's a TV over there with American Idol on it...
SARAHK: oo! american idol!...[glares at MELINDA]... i'll kill you later, pinkytoe chick... i'm coming, simon!!!
MELINDA: *cough* *sputter*... Thanks... now, back to the punching... How will you keep Frank J. from running away, screaming and crying like a little girl?
GLENN: Heh. Simple. Martinis... Everyone knows that boy can't hold his liquor for sh**.
MELINDA: PLEASE! Mr. Reynolds! We're on live TV! You can't SAY that word!...[glancing around nervously]... the FCC has spies EVERYWHERE!
GLENN: Indeed. But it's true what I said about Frank. I mean, look at the little monkey, prancing around over there...
FRANK: WHEEEEEE! Dude! I'm like totally drunk!
MELINDA: Wow! He IS acting like a total ass...
FRANK: I'm NOT a total ass! *hic* I'm the GRate FrnAk J.! Worshippp mE!!!
MELINDA: Geez, what a loser. Hurry up & start punching!
GLENN: With pleasure. Indeed.
MELINDA: All right, viewers, here we go. Glenn Reynolds is about to try to beat the old record of 68 Frank J. punches. In just one second, he'll begin his attempt to 69 Frank J., and...
[Sound of sirens as a dozen armored vans marked "FCC" pull up on the scene. Jack-booted thugs - wearing black leather jackets emblazoned with the FCC smiley-face logo and motto of "We're from the government, and we're here to help you" - pour out like circus clowns exiting a Volkswagen and start tasering people left and right.]
MELINDA: What the...?
JACK-BOOTED GOVERNMENT THUG: Agent Smith of the FCC, Ma'am. We're here to shut down this illegal broadcast in the name of THE CHILDRENTM!
MELINDA: But it's not like we're flashing around a bunch of little brown pierced perkies! There's nothing here but healthy, natural, good, clean, brutal, bloody violence!
SMITH: Yes, but you said the one number that we, the knights who say "FCC", cannot hear.
MELINDA: What? 69?
ALL AGENTS: AIEEEEE!!! Not that number! NO! It burns! The pain!
MELINDA: Guys... relax... It's just a freakin' NUMBER! All I was saying was that, in order to break the Frank J. punching record, Glenn had to make 69...
ALL AGENTS: AIEEEEE!!! Stop saying that number! It's so EEEEEVIL! THE CHILDRENTM! Won't somebody PLEASE think about THE CHILDRENTM?
STAGEHAND: I warned you about messing with the FCC, Melinda. If I've told you once, I've told you 69 times...
ALL AGENTS: AIEEEEE!!!
MELINDA: Right... this is just getting silly... we now return you to Shepard Smith in our New York studio... Hey, Frank! Gimme one of those damn martinis!... What?... NO! I'll worship you later... and stop calling me Michelle Malkin...
SARAHK: michelle malkin? where? let me at her! rarrrr!!!
[screen goes suddenly to snow]
SHEPARD: Thanks, Melinda... Next up... the results of our viewer poll question, "Which of Michael Jackson's organs would you like see removed from his body with a rusty spoon?"
March 07, 2005
Sgrena Sees The Light
Posted by Scott McCollum at 12:47 PM
By now we've all heard the MSM hypothesis that the shootings at a roadside security checkpoint in Iraq where Italian military intelligence officer Nicola Calipari was killed and commie journalist Giuliana Sgrena was wounded by U.S. military forces was a "hit" and this illegal action by the U.S. military all but exonerates CNN's Eason Jordan.
Well, we all know that a top-notch communist will tell you a lie when it's easier to tell you the truth. This makes Giuliana Sgrena one heckuva communist.
You're old buddy Scott would like to point out two big holes in that hypothesis that nobody in the MSM is bringing up:
1) Eason Jordan has not been re-hired by CNN with a salary increase
In other words, only the followers of Eason Jordan would be dense enough to conclude that the U.S. military couldn't pull off the assassination of an unknown middle-aged woman in an unarmored two-door Fiat. The axiom states that if the U.S. Marines want you dead, you're gonna die. Ooh-RAH!
Even though the MSM has been loudly proclaiming how Sgrena's story of a botched hit on her by bloodthirsty Americans differs from the U.S. military's account of our soldiers flashing lights into the windshield of her speeding car, the MSM has been strangely silent on the fact that Sgrena has changed her story.
In an interview on Italian TV on Sunday, Sgrena said, "There was no bright light, no signal." She also said the car was traveling at "regular speed." She elaborated further on this to the BBC:
"We had no signal. We were just on the way to the airport. They started to shoot at us without any light or signal. There was no block, there was nothing. It was so immediate. I didn’t know how I was alive after all that attack."
Okay, so now her story is that not only was there no warning from the American soldiers at the security checkpoint, there was also no American security checkpoint at all?
You'll get a big kick out of the fact that the Washington Post has a negative story about the incident that basically accuses the U.S. military of war crimes but inadvertently outs Sgrena as a liar with this sentence:
"But Sgrena, who had just been released by Iraqi captors, recalled later that the car was not traveling very fast and that soldiers started firing 'right after lighting' a spotlight -- a decision she said was not justified."
I'm waiting for Sgrena to change her story again and paint herself as the victim of a male-dominated society:
"I wasa inna da backseat telling my driver to speeda up to getta me home but he drive too fasta anda it make me sicka. Then he slowa down too much anda start looking around so I tella him 'you donna know where you goin, hah?' and he starta driving fast again. So I tell hima 'pulla over I have to pee' but thena the Americans starta killing us with boollets!"
Okay, it's funnier if you imagine a burned-out Italian hippie housewife in the backseat of a 1979 Fiat yelling and wildly gesticulating at two cigarette-smoking bald guys in the front seat.
March 04, 2005
Glenn Reynolds' Rehab Clinic
Posted by Harvey at 10:32 PM
So I was watching the Playboy channel the other night - and before you say anything, I only watch it for the commercials - I saw this one commercial for a new rehab clinic that Glenn Reynolds is opening up in Memphis. The transcript is in the extended entry...
[fade in from black to Glenn Reynolds, standing in the lobby of his clinic]
GLENN: Hi folks. I'm Glenn Reynolds. Most of you know me as the evil, puppy-blending, hobo-killing, dark overlord of the blogosphere... who will eventually crush you all like bugs and murder you in your sleep! DIE! DIE! DIE! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
*ahem*... But I'm also a lawyer, and I know how easy it is to get burnt out by the day-to-day grind when you're working in the legal profession.
Tell me, my fellow lawyers, has this ever happened to you?
[cut to interior shot of a courtroom where a tired, disheveled, lawyerish-looking man is speaking to a jury]
LAWYER: Although my client WAS discovered at the scene of the crime clutching a bloody knife and carving the words, "I MURDERED THIS MAN" into the victim's chest, I assure you that it was self-defense. After all, the so-called "victim" had just tipped over the bowl containing my client's pet clownfish, Nemo - his adored and beloved animal companion of nearly three hours. Would you expect my client to stand idly by as his loved one flopped his way to an airy grave? Certainly the circumstances must make this crime understandable... perhaps even forgivable. For who here among us wouldn't... uh... wait a minute... ya know, I just realized that I get paid no matter WHAT the verdict is...
Screw it. He's guilty. Hang him. I'm going to Hooters...
[cut back to Reynolds, shaking his head sadly]
GLENN: The sudden loss of desire to deceive a jury into putting a killer back on the street... A tragic - yet all too common - occurance in my profession.
But it doesn't HAVE to be this way...
[cue cheery, hopeful-sounding piano music]
Here at the Glenn Reynolds Attorney Stress Syndrome Rehab Clinic, we turn the tragic into magic. Best of all, there's no cumbersome 12-step program. We've pared it down to 4:
1) Admit that your ASS (Attorney Stress Syndrome) is killing you.
2) Understand that you have to make your own decision to change. No one can kick your ASS for you.
3) Ask Satan to grab your ASS as you murder a hobo in his dark name.
4) That's it! You're free! Kiss your ASS goodbye!
New ASS Elimination Seminars are starting every day. So if you think your ASS is nasty, you should see our ASSES.
So don't delay. Call 1-800-ASS-GONE right now.
Remember, the best way to lose your ASS is to ask Glenn Reynolds for help.
February 25, 2005
Evil Glenn's Government Contract
Posted by Harvey at 10:10 PM
I was doing research for my forthcoming book, "Stupid Government! Stop Wasting My Money! I Hate You!", and I came across an interesting web site - www.porkbarrelsquanderers.gov - which lists every single sleazy, nepotistic government contract ever handed out.
In amongst such obvious scams as the "horse-drawn horse" and the "solid gold featherbed", I noticed that Glenn Reynolds had been awarded a juicy $12 billion contract for his plan entitled "How to Save the Lives of our Brave American Soldiers".
Curious, I clicked the link.
And saw what YOU'LL see if you check the extended entry...
PROPOSAL BY HIS BLOGOSPHERIC OVERLORDNESS, DR. GLENN H. W. REYNOLDS:
During a recent bout of sleepwalking, I - as most men do from time to time - mistook my wife for a hobo and began hacking away at her with a butcher knife. While rearranging some of her internal organs, her screams of "I'm not homeless!" finally penetrated my somnambulating consciousness and I became aware of my little faux pas.
I rushed her to the hospital, where they undid my handiwork in short order. As she lay in her room recovering, though, it occurred to me that having her drink puppy shakes might hasten the healing process (please refer to my study, "The Regenerative Properties of Liquified Viscous Juvenile Canis familiaris Via Internal Ingestive Absorption", New England Journal of Medicine, April 2003).
Although procuring the dogs was a simple matter (I always carry extras with me wherever I go), I soon discovered - much to my dismay - that despite having millions of dollars invested in machines that go "PING!", there was not one single blender to be had on the hospital grounds.
However, with a trip to the local Target and a little ingenuity, I quickly contrived a device for accelerating my wife's recuperation, and documented my creation with several Polaroid photographs. Sadly, one of my pocket-puppies ate them all, so I've made this poorly-photoshopped replica of the image to illustrate my invention:
I call it the "Glenn Reynolds Super Healthifying 4-Poster Blender Bed of Robustness". If you wish to call it something else, I'm willing to negotiate for the naming rights.
To the point, gentlemen: it occurred to me that such a device might be useful to the Department of Defense, as it would allow our brave American Soldiers serving overseas to benefit from its invigorating qualities. Less sick-time for soldiers means more time spent killing terrorists, foreigners, and journalists, which - as I'm sure you will agree - makes my invention a bargain-priced investment for the modest sum of $10 billion which I am requesting.
In conclusion, YOU GIVE MONEY NOW! I RICH!
Turns out the Department of Defense bought the naming rights, too, and they're calling it the
INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!
[AUTHOR'S NOTE: Although I frequently have fun at Glenn's expense, I would like to offer my sincere wishes to his wife, Helen, for a speedy recovery from her recent surgery]
February 18, 2005
Glenn Reynolds vs. President's Day
Posted by Harvey at 09:11 PM
Monday, February 21st, is President's Day. Since our Presidents are our most recognizable symbol of American power, Glenn Reynolds will be frothing with Commie-loving rage that day, and will stop at nothing to undermine America's glory.
Realizing that American Presidents are most often seen on American currency - the purest symbol of Capitalism, which Glenn hates because he's an evil, filthy Commie - Glenn has hatched a foul plot to place his own despicable visage on our sacred dollars. Through means which I am not at liberty to disclose for national security reasons, I have obtained a badly photoshopped image of Glenn's creation, which I've placed in the extended entry:
When informed that Benjamin Franklin wasn't actually a President, and that it was therefore pointless to deface the 100 dollar bill, Reynolds responded, "How DARE you question my actions! Do you know who I am? I am the great Glenn R.! Worship me!"
This public service message was brought to you by the Alliance of Free Blogs, who would like to remind you that friends don't let friends blog drunk.
INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!
December 07, 2004
The Truth About Taranto
Posted by Frank J. at 12:30 PM
I was going to tell a filthy lie to defame Taranto for endorsing Scrappleface and sending unknowledgeable Best of the Web readers to vote for him like some Rock the Vote scam, but the truth I found was even more devastating. I looked on a map, and guess what I saw?
Taranto is in Canada! That's right; Taranto must be a hideous, misshapen, inbred, nigh-retarded Canadian (apologies to all my Canadian readers). Like all Canadians, he lives by latching on to maple trees like a lamprey and sucking out the maple syrup (but not my Canadian readers; they're not freaks). He mispronounces "about", ends every sentence in "eh", and only like Scrappleface because he tells jokes about hockey - the only thing Canadians understand ('cept for my Canadian readers; they're smart). Yes, Taranto is a freakish, dimwitted, filth-covered Canadian who fears rain as if it were an angry god (but all my Canadian readers are good chaps, really!).
The more important question, though, is why does the WSJ so want IMAO to lose in the Weblog Awards as to deploy their Best of the Web against it? Have they all shorted IMAO stock? Does IMAO have stock?
Or do they just fear my power? Whatever it is, they must be defeated! Vote IMAO everyday until the contest ends on December 12th and get everyone else to vote as well!
September 20, 2004
Just to Be Mean
Posted by Frank J. at 01:51 PM
I hear Teresa Heinz is getting fed up with the portrayal of her by the media. Being the nasty person I am, I'm going to spread my own filthy lie about her:
Teresa Heinz is completely sane.
On second thought, this one won't catch on like the puppy blending; no one is going to believe it.
September 17, 2004
Filthy Lies: Jonah Goldberg Uses Kittens as Baseballs
Posted by Frank J. at 12:19 PM
Ha! I'll get Jonah Goldberg back for copying me with this Grade-A filthy lie:
Jonah Goldberg, the highly overpaid writer for National Review, is described to be a simpleton in real life - similar to Lenny from Of Mice and Men - and a possible danger to others. His most common violent behavior is to use kittens as baseballs, tossing them in the air and striking them with his bat. Whenever his coworkers see him in his baseball uniform carrying his bat, they’ll do their best to stop him, Goldberg protesting, "No! That Jo-nuh's bat! You mean men stay away!"
And here is photoshopped proof of my lie showing Jonah just about to strike a kitten he tossed in the air.
There, the lie is complete. I'll e-mail the esteemed Rich Lowry about it and then get Jonah Goldberg's job for sure!
August 13, 2004
Glenn Reynolds - Behind the Blog
Posted by Frank J. at 11:57 AM
As I have been informed by Harvey, today marks one year since declaring war on Glenn Reynolds. Since I've been so busy, I haven't been too involved with the Alliance, but it seems to have been pretty active without me.
Anyway, I declared victory after Reynolds linked to me on my second blogiversary (it was his blatant not linking to me on my first blogiversary that led to this bloodshed), but I think there are some things that still need to be said. Thus, I've produced a documentary on DVD about Glenn Reynolds entitled Glenn Reynolds - Behind the Blog. Learn the true secrets behind Instapundit.com and hear confessions straight from Reynolds himself:
"Before 9/11, I just blogged about my daily life such as what I had for breakfast, how flammable different forest creatures are, and my vast Transformer action figure collection. After 9/11, I wrote a few political statements, and suddenly everyone was reading me. When I had this sudden fame and success... I... I just couldn't take it, so I turned to blended puppy drinks. When people hear this they go, 'Hey! This guy must hate puppies!' But it's not true; it's just that I only like them in liquid form."
Are all the charges against the puppy blender true? Hear it from his own mouth.
"Yeah, I've killed a hobo or too; who hasn't? There's a lot of stress with blogging each day, and you have to relieve it somehow. The whole Satan worship thing is overblown. Yeah, I sacrificed a couple goats... but that's it."
Learn what led to Glenn Reynolds famous blogging style and his well known descent into madness:
"I just wasn't prepared for all the commentary people expected from me. All I wanted to talk about was little nano robots. So I'd just randomly pick a quote from some article and write either "Indeed" or "Heh" afterwards. Sometimes, though, I couldn't decided whether the quote deserved an "Indeed" or a "Heh," and I'd just break down sobbing and curl up into a fetal position. I was doing heroin daily at this point."
Finally, hear why he was so vindictive against the greatest blog ever made:
"What pushed me over the edge was finding the website 'IMAO'. I knew this guy was much better than me, and I couldn't stand it. I'd pop a few pills, wash it down with some puppy, and then stare at his site in anger. That's why I'd only link to IMAO occasionally instead of every single day as it deserves."
Order this stunning DVD now while supplies last!
April 26, 2004
The Wrath of the Whitler
Posted by Frank J. at 07:18 AM
So last Wednesday I met with Bill Whittle for lunch at a local barbeque so that I might impart some of my wisdom to him to help with his only little webpage.
When I arrived he had already gotten a seat. "Hi. I'm Frank J. Fle..."
"I'm Bill Whittle!" he interrupted, "Master essayist of the blogosphere! Sit and be quiet!"
I stared at him sternly, but I wasn't looking for a fight. Thus I sat and made my order. "You make some interesting yet long essays," I said, trying to move the conversation to a more friendly subject, "So do you plan on writing more about America and patriotism?"
"Bah! Those subjects are of no concern to me!" he announced, "All I want is set the world record for longest blog post ever! When you start reading it, it will be topical, but moot by the time you finish! Muh ha ha ha!"
"You're insane!" I cried.
"That's what they said of Charles Manson," Whittle responded, "but he's famous now!"
Luckily, the food now came to break up the awkward conversation. Whittle took one bite and then threw the meal at the waitress. "That wasn't cooked well enough for the Bill Whittle," he screamed, "Cook it again."
"I've had enough of your ego!" I finally announced, "You will apologize to that waitress!"
"I apologize to no one!" Whittle shouted, "Especially not at the behest of the author of IMAO, which humor is trite and repetitive!"
"You'll pay for that insulting yet somewhat true remark!"
Whittle jumped up on top of the table. "I pay for nothing! I am the greatest writer ever, and you will bow before me, you son of a white chicken!"
"You have insulted me and my family's honor," I uttered with latent rage. I then smashed the table into with a mighty chop, tumbling Whittle to the ground. "We must settle this as all disputes between bloggers - kung fu fight in the parking lot!"
Whittle picked himself up. "So be it."
Both of us were wearing a Nuke the Moon t-shirt, so we were equally armed. I could see from his stance, though, that his kung fu was inferior to mine.
My dragon claw style took care of him without me breaking a sweat. I then headed back to work, vowing to never meet other bloggers in person unless it's some speaking event where I'm paid.
February 06, 2004
Dave Barry - Usurper!
Posted by Frank J. at 10:51 AM
Dave Barry thinks he's so great because he's a syndicated columnists and everyone respects him. Well – peh - I spit at him. Humor in the blogosphere belongs to me! Methinks it's time to bury Barry.
Originally, he didn't even have an e-mail when he started up, which hindered any hate mail efforts as it had been so long since I wrote a regular letter than I couldn't even remember how to do a hyperlink on one. Now he has an e-mail, though, so it's time for a whup'n.
Let's see him make a rock band name out of any of that!
January 30, 2004
Jonah Goldberg Put to the Test
Posted by Frank J. at 06:53 AM
I've decided to find out for myself if Jonah Goldberg is worthy of my admiration. Thus, it's time to see if he can stand up to...
THE HATE MAIL!
My first hate mail to Michael Moore was so devastating that it left him speechless. My second hate mail... well... never got e-mailed since Moore's mailbox was constantly full - probably with lot's of hate mail (though none as rambling and incoherent as mine, I guarantee you). Now it's time to test Jonah's fortitude by subjecting him to my wrath.
First, though, I must set myself in the mindset of a liberal so that I can properly hate Jonah.
Duh, no blood for oil! Free Mumia! Bush is Hitler! I like tofu!
There, mindset achieved. And now to compose...
Ha! Let's see how he takes that. My guess it will reduce him to a quivering mass, allowing me to replace him at NRO. Muh ha ha ha!
June 29, 2003
Filthy Lies: Stephen Green
Posted by Frank J. at 12:27 PM
It's Sunday, which means it's time to tell filthy lies about Stephen Green.
Just look at his blogroll! There's like every damn blog in the blogosphere on there, but which one is conspicuously missing? So blatantly missing that it's almost a statement of, "Hey, look at me! I didn't link to this guy!" That's right; IMAO. It's just like that scene in Austin Powers 3 where Dr. Evil said, "Everyone leave the room except for..." and then named everybody except for Mini-Me. I think he made his whole blogroll as an affront to me. Well, I won't stand idly by! Time for lies!
I saw Stephen Green in the bar area of a restaurant, so I walked up and said, "Hey, it's Stephen Green, famous blogger! I'd like to buy you a drink."
And here is horribly photoshopped evidence that doesn't prove anything:
So there is your lie: Stephen Green hates alcoholic beverages! Tell all the other bloggers! Tell the Russians! Tell Absolut!
That will teach him for singling me out for non-linkage.
June 14, 2003
Filthy Lies: Andrew Sullivan
Posted by Frank J. at 09:16 AM
It's Saturday, which means it's time to tell filthy lies about Andrew Sullivan.
"Hey! Look at me! I'm Andrew Sullivan I used to write for the New York Times! I made $80,000 dollars in donations 6 months ago and now I want more money!"
That's the idea behind his pledge week, which makes me so mad I almost wish I hadn't donated $20 to him. I probably should have spread this filthy lies before his pledge week, thus leaving more money to be donated to me (or spent on shirts), but now it's even more spiteful to put out a lie because it makes no sense. Anyway, here is the filthy lie:
So I was attending this big party, and it looked like it was going to be a lot of fun, but, when I first got there, I didn't see any women. "This isn't a gay party, is it?" I inquired hesitantly.
Now here's poorly photoshopped photographic evidence of him getting it on with the ladies to back up the lie:
Okay, I was too lazy to use Photoshop; that's just Eminem. I think it's good enough evidence, though.
So there is your filthy lie: Andrew Sullivan is a flaming hetero. Tell all the bloggers. Tell his donors. Tell the New York Times... no wait; no one believes them anymore. Tell the New York Post!
That will teach him for successfully making money with a blog.
Oh yeah, and buy my t-shirt.
UPDATE: A reader, Ryan Sullivan (hmm), has sent in properly photoshopped evidence.
Now the lie is complete. Muh ha ha ha!
May 10, 2003
The Final Filthy Lie
Posted by Frank J. at 09:28 AM
It's Saturday, and thus it's time for the final filthy lie about Glenn Reynolds.
I think I peaked with my first one when I claimed he put puppies in blenders, but I continued on to say he is a Satan worshipping hobo murderer and that he is a Communist spy who dances the robot. You can see his traffic on a downward slope from all these lies, but I think I'll finish it off with the worstest lie of all:
I was walking through the park again, and I saw Glenn Reynolds and was going to avoid that evil man, but he sped up to me on his moped.
Here's more poorly made photographic evidence of this crime against humanity:
So here is the final filthy lie to spread: Glenn Reynolds is a puppy blending, Satan worshipping, hobo murdering, robot dancing Communist spy who punched your beloved Frank J. Tell the news, tell congress, tell other bloggers even; the lie must spread and his traffic must plunge for reasons I've now forgotten. But I think I'm going to laugh evilly anyway.
Bwa ha ha ha ha!
So what do I do next Saturday? I guess I could spread lies about other bloggers such as Misha (not actually an emperor) and Rachel (not actually a woman), but I want it to be a really big target like Glenn Reynolds. Hmm...
May 03, 2003
Filthy Lies III
Posted by Frank J. at 09:39 AM
It's Saturday, so once again it's time to spread filthy lies about Glenn Reynolds!
Now everyone know that not only does Glenn Reynolds puts puppies in blenders, but that he also worships Satan and murders hobos, and it looks to me like his traffic has declined once again. At this rate, he'll have negative 20,000 unique visitors by the end of the year, but, to be on the safe side, here's a new filthy lie:
So I was taking a walk through the park when suddenly I saw Glenn Reynolds talking to an Asian man. All I caught was the end of the conversation where the Asian man told Glenn Reynolds, "Thank you, comrade."
And here is yet more unconvincing photographic evidence of my blatant lie:
I also wanted to have an animated .gif of him doing the robot dance, but my photoshopping skills just aren't that good.
Anyway, here is the new filthy lie to spread: Glenn Reynolds is a puppy blending, Satan Worshipping, hobo murdering, Communist spy who does a better than average robot dance. Now go out and spread the word, especially making sure the FBI knows. They'll put out a report saying, "Make sure not to visit Glenn Reynolds's site; he's probably collecting information on you to give to the Chinese Communists. Instead, visit IMAO.us, which, if anything, makes Communists know even less than they did before after they've read it."
Muh ha ha ha! Soon all the traffic in the blogosphere will be mine!
UPDATE: Fritz of On the Fritz made this animated .gif proving Glenn Reynolds dances the robot - or some similar dance - thus proving all the lies I've said.
April 26, 2003
Filthy Lies Part II
Posted by Frank J. at 09:50 AM
It's Saturday, so once again it's time to spread filthy lies about Glenn Reynolds!
By now, everyone knows how he likes to put puppies into blenders. He was so shaken by it, that he hit me with some sort of DoS attack on Monday. But look at his traffic since this scandal came out on April 19th; that looks down from the previous week to me. It's working, but I think with another push soon he'll only get like 3 visitors a week - fellow puppy blenders. So here is the new dirty, filthy lie:
I ran into Glenn Reynolds again the other day, and you can't believe what he told me. First I just asked him, "Hey, Glenn Reynolds, how do you keep up such a great site, updating it all the time and finding all those links?"
And here is really horrible photographic evidence proving what I just made up:
So, here is the new filthy lie to spread: Glenn Reynolds is a puppy blending, Satan worshipping hobo murderer. Make sure the press knows, because I want the first line of any story about blogs to be, "The most popular blog, Instapundit.com, is run by an evil man who blends puppies and murders hobos as part of a satanic ritual. That's why more people are going to IMAO.us which is run by Frank J., a man who loves puppies, denounces Satan, and has never done anything worse to a hobo than give one a minor concussion."
So spread the lie. I can't wait to see his traffic drop like a rock now!
UPDATE: Michele of A Small Victory is sick and twisted too, but I think her readers already knew that.
April 19, 2003
It's Fun to Be Spiteful
Posted by Frank J. at 12:19 PM
It's Saturday! That means it's time to spread filthy lies about Glenn Reynolds.
I guess I should just be happy he gave me a permalink a while back that brings in a decent amount of traffic each day, but no, I'm too spiteful for that. He hasn't linked to me on his front page in months and months, and, as I watch him get more visitors each day than I get in a month, my anger grows. Now I've gotten a plan: If I spread filthy lies about him, people will stop going to his site and have no choice but to only go to mine! It's a brilliant idea. So here is the first filthy lie:
Hey, everyone! It's Frank J. I hope you're having a good weekend, but I have to tell you about this horrible thing I found out. See, I ran into Glenn Reynolds today and he was drinking what looked like some sort of smoothie. So I asked him, "Hey, Glenn Reynolds, what are you drinking?"
And here is poorly photoshopped photographic evidence:
So there is the filthy lie: Glenn Reynolds puts puppies in blenders. Start spreading it to everyone. Tell your parents, tell your siblings, tell your uncle in Clevland, and send an e-mail to your congressman. And, when they exclaim, "Glenn Reynolds puts puppies in blenders! I'll never go to his site again!" You tell them, "Then go to IMAO.us. Frank J. is at the forefront in the fight against putting puppies in blenders."
Wow, that was fun. I'll revisit this again next week to see how much his traffic has gone down from the spread of the lie.
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