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September 07, 2006
Frank Answers: Babies, Clinton, Moons, and the Mall
Posted by Frank J. at 01:32 PM

Once again, it's time for my wisdom. Sit back, read, and be ensmartened.

Gunga asks:
If two women came to you and both claimed to be the mother of the same baby, how would you resolve the conflict?

I'd put the baby up for auction on eBay. Obviously, the real mother would love the baby more and be the highest bidder. Even if it doesn't play out that way, I should at least make a decent profit.

Serious bidders only, please.

SkyeChild writes:
Who's on first?


Son of Bob asks:
Was Bill Clinton really the President of the United States or were my friends just playing a really sick joke?

It's a bit of both, really. Practical jokes can be funny, but that one did go a bit far. At least, generations from now, people should be able to read in their history books about those eight years and laugh... and they may need a laugh with all the mutant cyborgs destroying everything.

Nick asks:
Where are you going to get new readers from if we don't ask good enough questions?

Probably the mall. There are lots of people at the mall.

GEBIV writes:
Do you have any plans for nuking any of the other planets' moons? I mean Phobos and Deimos are puny little things that hardly have the right to be called moons anyways... hmmmm.... did I just stumble into the real reason for the NASA Mars plans?

I like Phobos and Deimos. They're where the Doom computer games took place. Also, they don't conform to the boring, unoriginal round shape like most other natural satellites. Plus, Phobos is daring, orbiting Mars closer than any other moon in our solar system. Were you to stand on Phobos and look at Mars, it would take up one quarter of the sky. Now that would be a cool sight.

So Phobos and Deimos are cool, and there is not strategic advantage to nuking them. Thus, your question is stupid and so are you.

Sherry L. asks:
How many Jihadists does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They don't change light bulbs. They just shake their fists in the darkness while blaming the "joooos" for their misfortune. Then, unable to see, one stumbles and accidentally sets off one of their bombs, killing them all. It's not really a punch line, but it's still funny.

Scott R asks:
What is the cube root of tapioca?

That's it; I'm going to the mall.

If you have questions for me (good ones) put them in the comments or stand by the Orange Julius and shout them at me as I walk by.

Rating: 2.0/5 (25 votes cast)

Comments (11)
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September 05, 2006
Frank Answers: Of Mice and Dogs
Posted by Frank J. at 11:00 AM

You have question and I have answers. It's like we were meant to be together.

Chris S. asks:
Can a normal sized mouse beat up a small bird (e.g. a blue jay)?

Have a little pride in you own Class, man. When you have Mammalia versus Aves or whatever, bet on the Mammalia.

If you ever watched a mouse fight a blue jay, the way it usually works is the mouse will surprise the bird by jumping on its back, knocking the blue jay to the ground. The mouse will then slam the bird's head over and over into the pavement until there's nothing left but blood and feathers.

Mice can be vicious if they're not taking their meds.

Scott R asks:
Does your dog bite?

My pit-bull mix Rowdi doesn't bite. She hugs... with her mouth.

Brian the Adequate asks:
Will you (unlike a certain Duck we know) actually answer these questions? Will you ever force the Duck to do the same?

I'll answer some questions. I may know all, but I don't have time to tell all. As for Ducky, Ducky does what Ducky wants to do. If I try to force him into something, he may get violent. Not necessarily against me, but he will harm people.

Don't taunt the Duck.

QUINN asks:
How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck was Chuck Norris?

All of it. A Chuck Norris woodchuck would chuck all wood with a single roundhouse kick, and forever after there would be no more chucking of wood... by woodchucks or any others.

Laurence Simon asks:
Ever punched a head of lettuce?

Of course. I'm not actually sure what other use there is for a head of lettuce. I hear some people use them to make “salads”, but what "those kind of people" do in the privacy of their own homes is no business of mine.

Francesco Poli writes:
If I ask nicely, will you petition the US government to bomb the Communist HQ here in Italy?

You don't even have to ask nicely. Just mention the words "Communist" and "headquarters", and I'll soon be calling my Congressman telling him what I want bombed if he wants to count on my vote.

spacemonkey writes:
If questions were doughnuts...or raisins... ok, I don't have a question.

You just wasted my time, spacemonkey. Time to dock your pay again.

Well, sons of whores, that's all the wisdom you get for now. I have a big backlog of questions, but, if you want to ask some more, just put them in the comments.

Rating: 3.0/5 (23 votes cast)

Comments (20)
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July 24, 2006
Frank Answers Returns
Posted by Frank J. at 11:15 AM

When we last saw Frank Answers™, it had left for Krypton to search for others like it. Finding nothing, it has returned to Earth to answer more questions... questions posed to Frank that need answers in a segment called...

Frank Answers™!

George S. of Vanuatu: The Happiest Place on Earth writes:
Why don't you start doing Frank Answers again?

If we could genetically alter our skin to contain chlorophyll, could we live without eating? Would Frito-Lay go belly up (so to speak)? And would that put us in league with the lefto-weenies who are doing their "rolling fast" to protest us choosing Iraq as a battlefield against terrorists?

Would an army of clones be unusually susceptible to a genetically tailored disease?

If you resurrect Frank Answers, can I have the first question? All of the first set of questions? I promise I won't even mention monkeys...OOPS!

Well, Georgie, the reason I didn't do Frank Answers™ anymore was that, until now, no one asked. But it is asked and it shall be done.

If you altered your skin to contain chlorophyll or any other type of phyll, you'd still need water and nutrients to produce energy (along with carbon dioxide). Thus, you'd probably have to take vitamins. Taking vitamins is usually considered not to be fasting, as the first thing Gandhi would do when he ended a fast was eat a whole handful of Flintstone vitamins. When I was in preschool, I once stole the Flintstone vitamins (assisted by my little sister – ooh! I have to review her move soon!) and ate a ton of them. Poison control said I had to drink lots of water the rest of the day. If I had chlorophyll, that would have been a perfectly normal day.

Yes, on the resurrection of Frank Answers™, you get the first set of questions. Now on to better ones!


Rating: 2.8/5 (24 votes cast)

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December 09, 2004
Frank Answers to Liberal Questions
Posted by Frank J. at 09:23 AM

Liberal blogger Kevin Drum posed what he considered to be some tough questions to conservatives. I forgot which site I first saw these on (which is a shame because it had some great answers and questions for Drum), but John Hawkins has some answers along with links to other bloggers with answers.

Here are my answers to the questions.

1) Considering how Iraq has gone so far, do you still think that American military power is a good way to promote tolerance and democracy in the Middle East? Has your position on this changed in any way over the past two years?

As for the first part, sure, why not. Where has it gone wrong? The military is great at killing people, and all those who are intolerant and undemocratic can simply be eliminated. How would you spread it? Well-worded pamphlets?

As for the second part, no, but I haven't really been paying attention to the news. What's happened?

2) Shortly after 9/11, Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson said publicly that they thought the attacks were well-deserved retribution from God in response to moral decay — as personified by gays, feminists, the ACLU, and NOW. Do you worry that Falwell and Robertson are identified by many as the face of the Republican party? Do you think President Bush has sufficiently distanced himself from them and their followers?

I remember Paul Begala making the specious statement that no conservative denounced Falwell when every single conservative I know or read or watch had denounced them. I do worry about them being the faces of the Republican Party because their faces are droopy. Instead, we should have Arnold be our face since he shows a powerful physique. That’s also why I would be a good face for the Republican Party.

As for the second part, I'd need to know how much money they and their followers have before I answer that.

3) Is democracy promotion really one of your core concerns? Just how far are you willing to go to demonstrate your credibility on this subject? Note: President Bush's policy toward either Pakistan or Saudi Arabia would be excellent case studies to bring this question to life.

Eh, democracy is okay, but liberty is better. As for how far am I willing to go to show my credibility on that subject, I'll swallow five goldfish.

4) On a related note, which do you think is more important to the Bush administration in the short term: preservation of a stable oil supply from the Middle East or spreading freedom and liberty throughout the region? Would you be interested in seeing the records of Dick Cheney's 2001 energy task force to verify this? Please be extra honest with this question.

I'm starting to not like this "spreading freedom" phrase. It makes it seem like freedom is a virus or peanut butter. That also raises the question that, if freedom were peanut butter, would it be smooth or chunky? I say chunky.

But I digress. I say oil is more important to the Bush administration... or at least I hope it is. Ever try running your car on a democratic Middle East?

5) A substantial part of the Christian right opposes any compromise with Palestinians because they believe that Jewish domination of the region west of the Jordan River is a precondition for the Second Coming. Is this a reasonable belief? Or do you think these people qualify as loons who should be purged from the Republican party?

Who is doing what now?

I'm a Christian (well, a Catholic, which is pretty close) and I've talked to lots of Christians, and I've never heard of this before. Which cheaply printed conspiracy newsletters are you getting this from?

And what's this talk of "purging." You're starting to sound like a Nazi, Drum.

Quick! Behind you! A Christian!

I'm just kidding, Drum. Sorry I made you soil your pants. Seriously, though, I'm more scared of the joooos. I have it on good authority they control everything. It's in one of the same newsletters you're reading.

6) Yes or no: do you think we should invade Iran if it becomes clear — despite our best efforts — that they are continuing to build nuclear weapons? If this requires a military draft, would you be in favor?

Man, I'm for invading countries for any reasons - real or imagined. The second part of your question is weird, though. How could a draft be "required" to do something? You better not let my brother and his Marine buddies to hear that.

"Kevin Drum said you Marines are a big bunch of pussies who can't handle invading Iran yourself."

"He said WHAT?!"

7) If President Bush decides to substantially draw down our troop presence in Iraq after the January 30 elections, will you support that decision? Please answer this question prior to January 30.

Wow, I have until the 29th to answer this? I'll get back to you then.

8) Would you agree that people who accept Laurie Mylroie's crackpot theories about Saddam Hussein's involvement in 9/11 might be taking the threat of terrorism a little too seriously? What do you think should be done with them?

Who the hell is Laurie Mylroie? Did you make her up? For the liberals, everyone has heard of your crackpots; hell, they even get nominated for People's Choice Awards.

And what with this "What do you think should be done with them?" Sounds like more Nazi talk to me. They should be rounded up into camps - is that what you want to hear, Drum?

Now, I have two tough questions for Kevin Drum:

1) Why are you such a dingus?

2) Seriously, though, why?

Actually, Kevin Drum is one of my favorite liberal bloggers. I can actually read him without constantly thinking, "Is this guy @%&$ nuts?" Still, these questions demonstrate he needs to get out more.

UPDATE: Dean's World was where I first saw this (checked Drum's trackbacks to find him). Check him out for more serious answers and some great questions back at Drum.

Rating: 2.4/5 (38 votes cast)

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October 07, 2004
Frank Answers: Instant Messaging, Democrat Infestation, Canadian Liberals, Cool Monkeys, and Ninja Stars
Posted by Frank J. at 01:58 PM

Pat B. writes:
The hordes that use Instant Messengers are well, for the most part ignorant. No, not you, don't worry. But I was curious as to your preferred client? If you answer with "Trillian" I will love you forever (In a manly, respectful way).

What in God's name is Trillian? I use AIM, but I turn it off a lot because people are always using it to IM me which is really annoying. I got stuff to do, people! I don't have time to chat with smiley faces and what not. Sheesh...

lottiedottie writes:
As I was driving through town today, I saw that Democrats had established a campaign center. Here! In my town! I'm so disappointed to know that some of my neighbors might have some of those nasty tendencies. So I am wondering what you would suggest I do to combat this heinous incursion. Would it be appropriate to hire ninjas to break in during the cover of night and steal all their propaganda and leave monkeys to tend the shop? I realize that by doing so I would be inviting evil of another kind into my hometown, but wouldn't this be the lesser of two evils?
P.S. Do you think that it is possible that the Kerry campaign workers are really monkeys in disguise?

As for your P.S., the DNC doesn't disguise their monkeys.

Anyway, having a Democrat infestation can be annoying, but it's no reason for ninja shenanigans. Just go to pest control and have them isolate and spray the place. Any remaining Democrats should be destroyed by stamping.

The Bear writes:
As technically I live in the Dominion of Canada, when is the United States (on orders from Secretary of War Frank J.) going to dominate this country and rid us of our oppressors, the Liberal Party of Canada?

I pride myself in being completely ignorant of the politics in all other countries, so I'm not quite familiar with your problem. By my understanding, Canada basically has a one party system that keeps power through a sham democracy. We in America are quite busy bringing freedom elsewhere, so you may be better off trying to handle things yourself. It's not like your Liberal Party murders dissenters or cut off hands (do they?), so I bet they could be overthrown with a mild (but violent) coup. Why don't you get working on that, and maybe Canada will then be interesting enough to make the news for a change.

Vegesigo from Birmingham, AL writes:
I can understand your general hatred of monkeys, however, I was watching Lion King last night with my daughter and realized that the monkey in it is quite awesome. He is by far the wisest of all of the animals, is a bit mystical, and knows martial arts. What say you on this?

That monkey is the most dangerous of all, as he makes monkeys look cool. This can have horrible monkey influence on your daughter that may be hard to deprogram. Instead, have her watch a monkey-free movie of good American values such as Die Hard.

The All-Powerful LEM writes:
Hey, Frank! I gots a question for you.

Good. Otherwise you'd be wasting my time.

If I were to convert an automatic baseball pitching machine into a ninja-star throwing Assembly of Death, would the U.S. government buy the patent from me? Since you’re so smart and worldly, I bet you have better judgement on matters like this than I do.

If you don't think the government already has a machine to automatically throw ninja-stars, you're a fool. A FOOL!

Their device can throw knives, rocks, and hamsters too.

Sorry to shatter your dream, but, if you break into government buildings and read their secret weapons files, you could save yourself a lot of time in the future.

* * * *

If you've got questions, I've got answers... maybe even answers to your questions. E-mail me your questions about politics, science, math, theology, or whatever with the subject "Frank Answers". Include the name you want to be referred by, your town, and URL if you have one.

Rating: 1.9/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (17)
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October 05, 2004
Frank Answers: Nougat, Aliens, Holster Selection, and the Pope Hat
Posted by Frank J. at 12:33 PM

Turkeyhead asks:
Is it true that nougat can be chemically altered into symtex with the use of specific enzymes from monkey spit? Is that why they don't sell Mars® bars at zoos, because that would make the monkey doodie highly explosive?

That's only half true.

Noah, aka Tsymyn, writes:
During the Cold War, at the height of the Cuban Missile Crisis, there were many sightings of UFOs over the White House and the Kremlin, leading many to speculate that alien ambassadors had visited both superpowers, preventing a nuclear holocaust. If there is a race of compassionate aliens determined to avert horrible disasters on earth, will they prevent the potential upcoming downfall of the United States of America by A. Restoring sanity to liberals with their mind rays, thereby making them conservatives who will vote for Bush, or B. Vaporizing Kerry with their precision death rays?

U.S. policy has always been to immediately kill any aliens and give them an autopsy while poorly filming it. If the aliens are going to have any effect on the election, it will be while their organs reside in individual, marked jars.

El Jefe writes:
Since Virginia is an open-carry state now, how should I go about wearing my .45 while shooting pool? Hip or shoulder holster? You know, just in case someone starts crying, "Foul!" when it really wasn't a foul and I don't want to give the liberal cry-baby hippy-tard ball-in-hand.

First off, shoulder holsters with a horizontal draw are just rude in an open carry situation, as your gun will be pointing at anyone behind you. Also, any shoulder holster is likely to get in the way while playing pool, making that foul more likely. I recommend to go with the tried and true hip holster.

Remember: By Virginia law, you can only legally pistol whip hippies for the offense you mentioned.

Connie du Toit asks:
Why does the Pope wear a fabric covered KFC chicken bucket on his head?

I'm tired of all the ignorance about the Catholic faith out there. There's a book, Catechism of the Catholic Church, that has everything spelled out for those interested, but no one bothers.

Anyway, the KFC chicken bucket hat harkens back to how Jesus fed thousands after his sermon on the mount from one bucket of chicken. It's covered with fabric so the KFC logo isn't seen thus keeping the Catholic Church free from corporate sponsors.

* * * *

If you've got questions, I've got answers... maybe even answers to your questions. E-mail me your questions about politics, science, math, theology, or whatever with the subject "Frank Answers". Include the name you want to be referred by, your town, and URL if you have one.

Rating: 2.4/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (16)
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September 21, 2004
Frank Answers: Wacky Measurements, NHL Lockout, Lasers, Influencing, and Drinking Your Eight Ball
Posted by Frank J. at 12:54 PM

Katie from Mansfield, Taxachusetts writes:
The first couple of questions from tonight's physics homework, which I don't feel like doing:
1) During a hard sneeze, your eyes might shut for 0.50 s. If you are driving a car at 90 km/h during such a sneeze, how far does the car move during that time?
2) The 1992 world speed record for a bicycle (human powered vehicle) was set by Chris Huber. His time through the 200 m stretch was a sizzling
6.509 s, at which he commented, "Cogito ergo zoom!" (I think, therefore I go fast.) In 2001, Sam Whittingham beat Huber's record by 19.0 km/h.
What was Whittingham's time through the 200 m?

What's an 'm' and a 'km'. I only solve problems with real measurement values... the types used by humans. Go ask some Frenchman, and, when he starts to answer, punch him.

Pdtray writes:
I have too questions for you.
1. who do you blame for the nhl lockout? do you care?
2. are your space lasers the kind that shoot really fast in burst like PEWPEWPEWPEWPEW or are they the kind that is one big beam that cuts stuff.

1. I don't care, but I have to pretend because SarahK likes hockey. I blame... uh... the Jews.

2. That's just silly. It's a straight beam. Why would a laser have anything else? Well, some laser sights blink for better visibility, but other than that, the point of a laser is a continuous beam. It's the best way to lase.

Drew writes:
Three questions: How can we get the Muslims to switch to our side so that they go after the terrorists themselves? How can we get CBS, NBC & CNN to switch to our side? Also, when the main-stream media has lost its last shred of credibility, who will tell us what to think?

Bombs, bombs, me.

Chuck F. Chadwick
Hey there Frank J! My name is Chuck! I'm writing to you from an undisclosed film school. My website is http://classmishaps.f2o.org

Anyway, my question: What's the liquid inside a Magic Eight Ball? And if I drink it will I become powerful and all knowing too?

The liquid is mystical and magical in its properties, for within lie the secrets of the future. If you were to drink it, all would be known to you, and you would despair. For true knowledge of your future leaves you with no hope. So drink naught from the eight-ball. Ye be warned.

* * * *

If you've got questions, I've got answers... maybe even answers to your questions. E-mail me your questions about politics, science, math, theology, or whatever with the subject "Frank Answers". Include the name you want to be referred by, your town, and URL if you have one.

Rating: 2.4/5 (24 votes cast)

Comments (24)
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September 17, 2004
Frank Answers: God, Platinum, Running for Office, and C. Montgomery Kerry
Posted by Frank J. at 06:10 PM

Templar writes:
How come typical religious people cannot defend their faith as well as William Lane Craig can? And what should be done to provide an incentive for them to learn?

For more information, see his past debates at major universities:

Oh, don't get me going on about religion. I'm an avowed atheist and...

Wait, I'm an avowed Catholic. Yeah, and I don't like all this trying to argue whether God exists or not (He does). If God left things so that you could prove He exists, then how come he just doesn't suddenly appear in the sky and yell, "Look at Me! I'm God! Booga booga booga!"?

I would if I were God (when not smiting non-stop). Just my two cents plus inflation.

SarahK from Wherever You Want Me To Live, Insert State Here, asks:
When should I expect the platinum?

Platinum is really expensive, so I'm going to wait until there is a huge drop in platinum prices and then, if I still like you, I'll buy a ring.

Greg Gibas writes:
I think everyone on your site would like to know if you ever plan to run for office! So, will you? It doesn't even have to be something big like Congress, it could be something more local like Alderman or something. I'd sure as hell like to watch your press conferences as a public official!

I don't know anything about local offices or what the hell they do, so I don't think I'll run for one. I am old enough now to run for Congress, but somehow I bet statement on this site may be used against me. I think I'll remain a private citizen griping about our do-nothing politician like everyone else (good ole do-nothing politicians).

Grant G writes:
I'm glad that Frank Answers is now open to all, because I have a burning issue of which I need your opinion on: Is it me, or is John Kerry a spitting image of Mr. Burns? Picture his face over Mr. Burns' during the Simpsons episode of Blinkey, the 3-eyed fish, and you'll see what I'm talking about.

He does look like a younger Mr. Burns now that you mentioned it. Did Burns become wealthy by marrying into money?

* * * *

E-mail me your question about politics, science, math, theology, or whatever with the subject "Frank Answers". Include the name you want to be referred by, your town, and URL if you have one.

Rating: 2.5/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (26)
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September 15, 2004
Frank Answers: Mossad, Ribbons, Gay Lovers, and Time for More Questions
Posted by Frank J. at 03:17 PM

Jeff Drummond writes:
I'm watching a cool program on the History Channel about Israel's response to the murder of her Olympic competitors at the 1972 Olympics.
Mossad exercised extreme vengeance against their enemies.
Israel has been pretty good at plotting the demise of its enemies. Are they a good model for the US to follow?

Usually I think the U.S. is the best at everything, but you have to give a lot of credit to those kickass Jews, the Israelis. The Jews have had so many hardships throughout history, and, out of fear those hardships might end, they settled a country in the midst of violent people who hate them. Thus, they've gotten good at kill'n bad people, and I think we can learn from them.

Frankly, I'd like to see targeted killings via cruise missiles used to fight local crimes. Think if some drug dealer standing in an alleyway suddenly get blow to hell or if a known carjacker finds his apartment and himself turned into a fireball. That will make criminals a lot more wary.

Also, it would be cool to watch.

Paul writes:
This is Paul. Honest. Please don't put my email address up on your site though, I hate spam.
I realized you probably don't want to answer those 2 questions I posted, so here're two more.
1) What's the stupidest Olympic sport? Badminton?
2) If you had to appoint the Head of Homeland Security in your State (say, for example, NJ), would you choose your gay lover or an Israeli poet?

First off, what gives you this idea that I randomly publish people's e-mails?


1) I hate all Olympic sports that are scored by a panel of judges. Real sports should have a clear defined winner such as the fastest, the strongest, the most accurate, or, as in boxing, the one still conscious.

Of the judged sports, the dumbest one to me seems to be that one where people dance around with ribbons. That's a sport? The original point of the Olympics were for people to peacefully compete in skills used in war, and no wars... not even a single battle... has been won with colorful ribbons. Whoever invented that competition should be shot.

Now shooting - there's a great sport.

2) That's hard to answer, as the two aren't mutually exclusive.

Wait a second... I don't like the implications of that question! I in no way resemble a New Jersey governor!

Alex writes:
I was going to ask you a mind-bendingly and universe-shatteringly intelligent and funny question related to John Kerry's face, but then I read this and my heart sank:

"Frank Answers™ is now invitation only, so don't send me your stupid questions. I hate you."

I could live with the hate, but Frank Answers being invitation only?
Why, Frank, why?! Why must you destroy the things I love so much?!

PS: I like your hat.

Fine. I'm running out of questions, and this does make good filler at times. Frank Answers™ is now open to everyone again. Just e-mail me your question about politics, science, math, theology, or whatever with the subject "Frank Answers". Everyone happy now?

P.S. Thanks. I like my hat.

Rating: 2.0/5 (23 votes cast)

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August 18, 2004
Frank Answers: Middle Eastern, Jug O' Money, Movies Make You Fat, and Anomalous Matter
Posted by Frank J. at 11:57 AM

Wolf's Dawn writes:
Sorry I took so long to submit but I felt this pressure to come up with a clever math/science question so you could impress with your out-of-this-world knowledge. And I'm not being snarky! However, I just found myself getting a headache from trying to come up with something brilliant so I decided to stick to the low-brow comedy I know best.

I am from the eastern part of the Mid Atlantic region. Does that make me middle eastern?

You are given a chance to ask the fountain of knowledge - me - any questions, and this is what you come up with? Your question is stupid, and thus you have reflected poorly on all middle easterners who are already having a PR problem with their terrorism and murderousness and what not. I hope you die in a jihad... but don't get martyrdom.

Heh heh, martyr-dumb. They should use that as a slogan to stop people from being terrorists. Why don't try that out since you're in the Middle East, Wolf Dawn?

I forgot to write down who wrote this, but here it is:
If you could fill a 5 gallon water jug with dimes or quarters, which would you choose to get the most money?

Quarters, duh, because quarters are worth more and now have wacky pictures on the back (collect them all!). Also, you can't use dimes in arcade machines. Dimes are worthless. If I had a jug of dimes, I'd just chuck handfuls of them at people. And people would be like, "Stop that!" And I'd be like, "No!" And they'd be like, "Ahh, you got me in the eye!" And I'd be like, "Hooray!" And they'd be like, "Now you stop or... erk... ack!" And I'd be like, "Ha ha! I got them right down your throat! Now you die! Ha ha!"

On second thought, I'll take the jug of dimes.

RP from Australia writes:
One of my university professors says that we should all go see Fahrenheit 9/11. I am scared; is it possible to catch obesity or communism from watching too many Michael Moore movies?

Yes, studies show that people coming out of Fahrenheit 9/11 tend to be fatter and more inclined to stupidity than when they entered. Instead, see Alien vs. Predator. That one will only make you dumber.

Damn, another one where I forgot to write who asked the questions:
I have 2 questions to Ask Frank:
A. Which is more slippery, anti-gravity or Teflon™?
2. Which is harder to find, a brave Phrenchman or a pound of anti-matter?
Enquiring minds want to know.

A. Teflon™ is slippy; anti-gravity pushes you away and has nothing to do with friction. So you don't want it. If you have anti-gravity, please give it to me.

2. There's probably at least a pound of anti-matter that could be found at an anomaly at the center of our galaxy. As for a brave Frenchman, none is known to exist anywhere in the space-time continuum.

* * * *

Frank Answers™ is now invitation only, so don't send me your stupid questions. I hate you.

Rating: 2.0/5 (22 votes cast)

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August 12, 2004
Frank Answers: Impressing Women, Socks, Sea Monkeys, SarahK, and Robots vs. Monkeys
Posted by Frank J. at 12:49 PM

Beo writes:
I hate it when people incessantly ask idiotic questions like, "if a tree falls in the woods and nobody hears it, does it make a sound? (Of COURSE it does, you ninny! The universe does not depend on your perception of it!)"
And then they act all smug, like they just said something intelligent.

So, my question is this: when you consider the effects of parallax, and the difficulties involved in the relatively infinitesimal length of the base used for ASA triangulation in which errors as small as one-millionth of a degree can result in a measurement error of tens of thousands of light years, why do some scientists pretend that they actually know how far away stars are? Are they all just a pack of liars, or are they just trying to impress women or something?

Since the beginning of time, everything man has ever done was to impress women. Topple empires, invent computers, shower daily - all to impress women. Why did John Kennedy vow to send men to the moon? Because one day Marilyn Monroe probably said something like, "I bet it would be neat to go to the moon."

Probably one day some woman said to a scientist, "I wonder how far away those twinkly things in the sky are?" Thus the scientist ran out to do some hasty calculation (and I bet he still didn't get any). So keep that in mind when reviewing any scientific data.

Reed the Viking writes:
1. Sandy Berger was caught putting documents in his pants and in his socks. Bill Clinton had a cat named Socks. Was the Cat somehow involved, or was it coincidence? Sam Berger got caught because the truth came out cause he couldn't keep his pants on. Bill Clinton also had problems keeping his garments on. Is Sandy Berger having relations with an intern? How is Hilary involved? Is she an Avatar of Evil?

2. Are sea-monkeys bad like land monkey's? If so, what are they plotting? Can Aquaman speak to them and convince them of good? If not, who would win in a fight; Aquaman vs. Sea-monkey's? One last thing; What would you do for a Klondike bar?

1. Hillary is the Avatar of Evil, but that has nothing to do with the rest of the question. As for Socks the cat, I don't trust cats and think he was probably involved. As for what Sandy Berger was up to, he was probably just stuffing his pants to impress women.

2. Sea monkeys are just stupid little shrimp sold to gullible children. Even Aquaman can beat them by just drinking one of those little aquariums they come in (and he could understand their screams of terror… muh ha ha).

As for what I'd do for a Klondike bar, I'd go to the store and buy one... but only if I was already going to the store to pick up a few other items.

Carl from Timonium, MD asks:
So when are you and SarahK meeting in real life?

That reminds me, didn't I have an announcement or something to tell you people...

right wing duck writes:
Lately I've been reading about monkies that can walk on two legs. I also saw the movie I-Robot. I'm concerned. What if they monkies and the robots take over. The robots are logical and would vote republican. Monkies are stupid and throw their own feces, much like democrats. However, monkies can reproduce. Therefore they would outnumber the robots. Eventually, we would have a whole congress and senate full of democrat monkies. help me Frank. I lose sleep over this every night.

But robots build more robots. Isn't that what I, Robot was about? I didn't go see that movie because it looked stupid.

* * * *

Frank Answers™ is now by invitation only, so stop sending me questions because I hate you.

Rating: 2.6/5 (20 votes cast)

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July 16, 2004
Frank Answers: Cars, Bumperstickers, EBay, Jumping Chinamen, Monkey Slaughter, Selecting a Handgun, Trading Space, Blogparents, and Frankisms
Posted by Frank J. at 12:31 PM

Time to answer questions from contest winners. Some of them snuck in double questions... but, whatever.

* * * *

Carl from Timonium, MD writes:
Hey Frank, could you recommend a roomy car for a tall person? And where are the IMAO bumper stickers!

Yeah. Get any convertible and be as tall as you want. Just lookout for the height warning on bridges and tunnels.

As for bumper stickers, what would they say?
"I'd rather be reading IMAO"
"Back off, muckadoo!"
"Dammit! There's a sticker stuck to my nice car!"

The Idler writes:
If Michael Moore was going to sell his head on EBay, should he sell it on a weight basis (like in a butcher shop) or on the basis of it containing a brain scarcely used (other than to fantasize about lard based food products)?

I'm not sure, but he might get more mileage if it came in an authentic Dukes of Hazard lunchbox.

Aric asks:
Would 2 billion Chinamen jumping at the same time throw Earth out of orbit? If so is that some secret commie weapon?

As anyone knowledgable in physics can attest, when you jump, not only are you pulled to the Earth, but the Earth is pulled towards you (just to an extremely small degree). Thus 2 billion Chinamen jumping in one spot would throw us out of orbit. Luckily, there is only 515,637,587 Chinamen (and 493,995,993 Chinawomen and 289,214,044 Chinakids) so the question is moot.

Cap'n Yoaz got two questions, and here they are:
Q1: How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if Kerry became President?

I definitively answered the woodchucking question here, and hypothetical chucking is unaffected by which party holds the White House.

Q2: If you ever became President, would you bomb all of the Hindu monkey temples in one giant military operation, or would you emulate Dubya by declaring an Axis of Monkeys and leveling them one country at a time?

I'd probably try to go the Axis of Monkeys route, but then go into a killing spree due to my monkey rage, destroying most of the world and any city with a zoo that has a monkey house.

Rightwingduck, who won being able to ask me three questions, didn't send any thinking that I just made up questions for Frank Answers™ (I never made up a single question; if I did, they'd be much better). When prompted, he sent me four questions. Eh, whatever.
Q1: I'll be buying my first handgun soon. Any advice? Also, I want target practice but here in California they say its against the law to shoot hippies and French people run too fast. I guess they 're good at running from bullets. I hear in Texas they pay a certain amount per hide. Is that true. Also, I think some of the nickel plated weapons look too froofy. Should this be a concern?

Get a decent caliber (it should start with a '4'); other than that, try guns out and see what feels good to you. Don't worry if your gun looks froofy; criminals tend not to stop making fun of you as soon as you land the first shot.

Q2: My daughter and I were watching trading spaces on the learning channel. That's where you and a friend or neighbor trade spaces and redecorate one room and show it to them as a surprise. Who would be your trading spaces partner. What would you do to their home/room. What would you like done to yours?

I'd trade spaces with Kim du Toit. He'd decorate my place with guns all over the walls, and then I'd decorate his place with tie-dye, peace symbols, and clowns. When he'd get back to see what I had done, I'd have a room full of guns to keep me safe. Heh heh.

Q3: I need a pair of blogparents. SarahK has volunteered to be my Blogmother and has given me great advice on my Blog site. She was saying that it would be great if you were my Blogfather. I would like that. You could SMITE anybody who messed with the poor RWduckie. Would having a blogchild ignite further rumors about you and SarahK. I also hate the French and hippies.

Blogchildren are bastard children, not chosen by their parents. Whoever inspired you to make a blog is your blogfather or blogmother. Thus, the puppy blender, whether he likes it or not, is my blogfather, and, to a lesser extent, Eugene Volokh who I also read before starting my own blog.

You know, he's one of the few big, right-of-center bloggers left who never linked to me. I'll get him one of these days...

Yeah, I'm big into patricide.

Q4: The other day I was typing on my blog and used the word "French Looking" and realized that it was a Frankism. What Frankism would you most like to see enter the American vernacular? Favorite words include: Muckadoo, Terrorist Larva, Puppy Blender.

"French-looking" comes from Best of the Web which has been calling Kerry "the French-looking liberal Senator from Massachusetts who by the way served in Vietnam" for a long time now.

As for my own terms, Puppy Blender is already out there. I'd like to see more use of muckadoo, though. To me, it fills a need. Hippy is too specific for whom I dislike (images of the unshaven and unwashed but not the college professors and journalists). Liberal is too general (there are a few liberals who can debate coherently and don't hate America). So muckadoo is a great term for all the people I dislike.

Muckadoos! Your days are numbered!

* * * *

If you have questions for Frank Answers™... then win one of my contest. Ha ha!

Rating: 1.9/5 (19 votes cast)

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June 30, 2004
Frank Answers: Donut and After Market T-Shirt Options
Posted by Frank J. at 11:56 AM

For winning the questions for John Kerry contest, Bob Owens got to send me two questions for Frank Answers™ (I never got any from the runners up, BTW).

Anyhoo, here are the questions:

Question 1:
Rumour has it you write content for the site wearing nothing but a glazed doughnut. My questions is: Krispy Kreme or Dunkin'?

That's just a weird and stupid question. You are weird and stupid. You were given a chance to aske me anything, and this is what you came up with? Fool, I call thee.

Given a choice, though, Krispy Kreme. Mmm... Krispy Kreme. I love the icing filled ones.

Question 2:
Is it possible to order a "Nuke the Moon" t-shirt with the SarakK option pre-installed, or is that strictly after market?

Sorry, SarahK does not come with the t-shirts, nor can she ever be bought by money. If I knew the key to winning over SarahK, I wouldn't share it with you, you weird donut-question-asker. Such a secret I would keep to myself while laughing at all others. Actually, I'll just laugh at all others now.

Ha ha ha ha!

Now on to other business...

* * * *

If you have any questions for me, especially scientific in topic, don't send them to me because I'm tired of questions.

Rating: 2.1/5 (26 votes cast)

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May 20, 2004
Frank Answers: AOL CD Collection, Point Nine Repeating, the Zionist Sky, Net Weight, and Do You Apes Want to Live Forever?
Posted by Frank J. at 08:35 AM

Back by popular demand, it's Frank Answers™! I was going to quietly retire this feature as I thought it wasn't that funny, but apparently lots of people like it. Well, there was a huge backlog of questions, and here are the definitive answers to some.

* * * *

SarahK writes:
At my apartment complex's community mailboxes, someone has placed a plastic bag on the wall, and above the bag is a sign asking for donations of AOL CDs, begging people to donate them rather than trashing them. In light of your recent comments about same, I believe these "donations" will be used against you. How should I, a faithful ronin, proceed?

I'm a simple man; I destroy what I don't understand.

I do not understand this.

Destroy! Destroy!

Mac Diddy from Suburbia, VA writes:
When one comes across the decimal .9999999, in which 9 repeats for ever and ever and ever, many people, including my terminally confused math teacher, believe that it is equivalent to one (1).
That would imply that at one point, a mathematician said "screw it" and decided that instead of the number growing forever closer to one and never quite reaching it, it in fact stopped and rounded itself up.
Now, since this is not true for other repeating decimals (for example,
.88888888 never has to become .8888888889), it makes me think that the only reason so many seem to think that 1.0 and .99999999 are equivalent is that we work with a base-ten number system, and it's difficult to imagine infinite growth of a number without it ever getting somewhere.
(And yes, I am aware that there is a method by which .9999999 can be reduced to one by multiplying it by ten and then by one and subtracting the difference and then finding the quotient of that number and nine, however, I think that the method is flawed, and that .99999999 is in fact an irrational number, making the repitant decimal rule void for irrational numbers.)
So, whatcha think? Can I rightfully call my math teacher an idiot, while at the same time changing the definition of math as we do now behold it?

The way it was explained to me that 0.9 repeating (referred to hereafter as 0.9999...) is equal to one is that 1/3 is equal to .3333... and three times 1/3 equals one, so three times 0.3333... which is 0.9999... must also equal one.

But this is false.

0.3333... is actually one infinitesimal away from equaling one third, thus three times it would be three infinitesimals away from one. The reason that mathematicians say 0.9999... is equal to one is because they are lazy as evidence by their uncombed hair and how they wear shorts throughout the entire year.

Do not let your math teacher get away with this falsehood! Next time he says that .9999... equals one, stand up, point your finger at him, yell, "Liar!", and then walk out of the classroom.

Only you can prevent bad math.

Jason H. from Austin, Texas, writes:
Frank, have you noticed that the sky is blue with white clouds and the Israeli flag is white with blue stripes? Could it be possible that every time the Muslims look up they are reminded of the "Zionist conspiracy in the sky" and that's why they are so angry? Just wonderin', yo.

Who do you think determined the color of the sky in the first place?

That's right: the joooos!

Always keep thine eyes at the ground - which is free from joooo tampering - lest thou be drawn into their conspiracies. And, no matter how loud a sound you hear, never look up. That what they want you to do!

:: shakes fist ::

Brian T. from Dallas, Texas, writes:
I live in Dallas, Texas. I am in a bad way and I am seeking your advice. There is a Halliburton plant near my house and when I drive to the gun store I see these turds. However I had to stop at the light right in front of them. I drive a 2003 F-250 and they harassed me about "blood for oil". I responded by asking them if their gas was any cheaper, and stopped bothering me. A week later one of the more violent hippies kicked my truck when I was stopped at the light. I then grabbed my law enforcement jumbo sized (it looks like a small fire extinguisher) and hosed his smelly carcass down. Now I catch hell all the time...so what should I do? Should i counter-protest i.e. "Honk if you hate hippies", or "Honk if you love IMAO"?

P.S. Yeah, I already thought about running them down with my big truck, but I think the D.A. would have a hard time believing my self defense claim.

I like your asking the hippies if gas prices are cheaper. While that is entertaining to us, using logic against hippies only confuses and enrages them. Spraying them, much like a skunk sprays predators to teach them to leave him alone, was a better method. The problem is that hippies already smell worse than a skunk and are much dumber, so multiple applications of different sprays will be necessary. Try pepper spray and eventually move up to acid. While the hippies will never logically understand that bothering you is bad, their small hippy minds will eventually scream, "Truck bad!" anytime you drive by, and you'll see them crouch down in a corner cowering.

Or you could just not be such a wussy and run them over. If you get people like Hank Hill on your jury, "They were hippies," would be a legitimate defense.

Dr. J asks:
So, when will I be able to get my IMAO "Nuke the Moon" VISA card?

I don't know. How do I get my own special credit cards and how much money would I get from that venture?

BTW, I like any new ideas that get me money as I like money. Oh, and buy my t-shirts.

Uncle Frome from the People’s State of California writes:
OK, I’ve got a combined math & ethics question for you: Can 8+1 ever equal 10? Where I work, the owner sells a 10 lb. (gross weight) box of product, and only puts 8 lbs. of product in it. He even has it say “Net Wt. 8lbs.” on the bottom of the box, as justification of his actions. The hitch is that the box only weighs 1.1 pounds. I can’t believe our customers haven’t weighed an empty box yet, but I have to think it’s a matter of time. I told the boss that this was wrong, that he was cheating people, but he tried to justify it by saying that our competitors cheat their customers, so we have to as well to remain competitive. By that logic, we should start sawing off the heads of our Taliban and Iraqi prisoners with kitchen knives, because they are doing it, right?
All I know, is that if I go to the store and buy a 12-pack of beer and then get home only to find 11 beers in the box, I’m upset and I won’t ever shop at that store again. So can 8+1 ever equal 10? And am I correct in thinking that this is wrong, that our customers are being cheated? Or has the Kerry campaign found a way to disrupt the balance of good & evil in the universe and I should just keep my mouth shut and hope they don’t turn their “ethical adjuster ray” on me? I would really like to hear your thoughts on the matter. Thanks.

Come on; do you think the customers would be happier if they got a two pound box?

I would take this as a learning experience: never trust anyone. They are all out to screw you. Thus, screw them first.

And always check the net weight.

Jason writes:
I was watching Starship Troopers last night and there is line in the movie that goes “Come on you apes, you want to live forever.” My question is this, If not in engage in some kind of mortal combat w/ giant bugs, do apes live forever? Also are apes as bad as monkeys? Also how do you feel about the idea that only people who serve in the Military are allowed to be citizens?

Actually, I'm in the middle of reading the novel Starship Troopers as my brother told me it's much different from the movie. The book opens with quoting that phrase and crediting to an unknown platoon sergeant from 1918. He must have subscribed to the theory that humans should be placed in the same Family as the Great Apes... or he was just trying to make his platoon angry. And, it's good to be angry when you're going to be killing people. Just try killing someone when not angry. Quod Erat Demonstrandum.

Andy Roopinschickenstein from Toronto asks:
Why do my lights go out when I put a gum wrapper in an electrical socket?

Because you live in Canada. Crazy canucks always sticking things in their electrical sockets. Just don't cause a power grid failure down here again.

Ann, Salt Lake City
My sister, in an odd mood, was trying to put a toy cooking pot on my head, claiming it would turn me into a monkey. I replied, naturally enough, that I don't want to be a monkey, and she said, "Come on, everybody wants to be a monkey!" I'm very disturbed... What should I do?

It's always hard when you have to commit a sister, but, no matter what her age, it shows extreme insanity to want to be a monkey. Luckily, electroshock therapy has been proven to cause increased distaste from monkeys. Even though scientists still aren't sure how it works, putting an electrical pulse through the brain increases monkey hatred. Though this will be distressing to your sister at first, in the end she will be happier... or, if not happier, at least hate monkeys, i.e., be hatier.

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming (I would especially like more science and math questions), e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

Rating: 2.0/5 (28 votes cast)

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April 28, 2004
Frank Answers: College Choice, the Kerry Virus, Post-Mortem Intelligence Tests, and the Real Reason Hitler Comitted Suicide
Posted by Frank J. at 01:43 PM

Because you've all been some good readers, here are some Frank Answers™.

* * * *

Bryan, who is from Sarramento, writes:
My name's Bryan and I'm from Sacramento. Since I view your opinion as fact, I've decided to ask you which university should I attend next year: UC Berkeley or UC San Diego?
I'd be majoring in computer science and have been accepted to both.

Let's see.


Heads. That means UC Berkeley.

There, I have spoken! If you do not go by my advice, your future will be worthless! You might want to ask BerkeleyGirl and BerkeleyChick about it to get yourself prepared. I think they go to Berkeley (BTW, everyone will finally get to see what they look like tomorrow).

Wes asks:
If John Kerry were to be split in two, would one be conservative and one liberal, or would they just be twice as liberal as before? Also, if it's the latter, and if they were to be rammed into each other at high speed, could a critical mass of liberalism be achieved?
Also, if John Kerry was cultured into viral form, how would he be transmitted, and what symptoms would the he have?

If John Kerry were split in two, he would probably bleed to death. As for ramming the two halves together at high speed, that's just silly.

The John Kerry virus would probably be like Alzheimer’s, but only make you forget your political positions. I'm not sure how it would be transmitted, but I'd hope we'd have biowar task forces to keep it from getting airborne.

Jason H from Austin, Texas, land of road kill and living hippies, writes:
Frank, I noticed that the US Marines are now kicking serious ass in Iraq. I'm curious, what do you think the IQs are of the insurgers? Unfortunately, we can't give them an IQ test because they'll be dead. Is there any other way of finding out the average intelligence of the insurgers? Thanks.

Technically, the IQ of a dead insurgent is 0, but, if you want to know what their marginally higher intelligence was before they got a Marine welcome, I think there is a method to measure IQ based on the pattern of how their brains splattered on the wall.

Then again, maybe I'm thinking of the Rorschach test. Those ink blots always looked like splattered brains to me.

Jason asks:
Frank, I just mentioned Hitler's suicide in a previous e-mail to friends of mine. It got me thinking. Is it possible that Hitler killed himself because he had been married just an hour or so before or was it really because the Soviets were 300 yards away from his bunker? I think some historians are overlooking the 'marriage quotient' in Hitler's death.

To answer that, I'll have to use the scientific method and get married to see if that makes me suicidal.

This may take some time. I’ll get back to you.

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming (I would especially like more science and math questions), e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

Rating: 2.1/5 (22 votes cast)

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April 15, 2004
Frank Answers: To Infinity and Below, Quoting Frank, Bigfoot, and the Dark Secret Behind the Theory of Relativity
Posted by Frank J. at 12:41 PM

Rally round the family... with a pocket full of shells!
We rally round the family... with a pocket full of shells!
We rally round the family... with a pocket full of shells!
We rally round the family... with a pocket full of shells!

Sorry, one of my favorite Rage Against the Machine songs was on the radio as I drove back from picking up lunch. BTW, today is tax day and free cookie day at Subway if anyone forgot.

Anyway, here are some Frank Answers™ to some frank questions.

* * * *

Todd writes:
Finally I have found someone with the significant cerebral capacity to tackle my most baffling brainteaser:
If 1/Infinity is always 0, and anything/itself is always 1, what is infinity/infinity? 1 or 0?

Actually, I've posed this same math question to a number of mathematicians, and, not liking any of their answers, I dismissed them. The way I usually phrase the questions is what is the product of infinity times zero? My answer is one. Reasoning: infinity (i.e. everything) times zero (i.e. nothing) equals finite (i.e. something). It just makes sense. Anyone who says otherwise is an idiot and never returned the mechanical pencil I lent him.

Chris from Baltimore writes:
In some of my conservations with people, I find that I sometimes have to use your words of wisdom to get my point across. Is there a proper manner in which I should quote you, so that you can get proper credit for your wisdom?

The preferred form is either "As the most learned Frank J. once said..." or "As the exalted one spaketh...". Being me, I don't need to preface my own quotes in such a way, and usually start a statement with "Hey, goober!"

Sam from Buford, GA writes:
I have a classification question for you. Is bigfoot technically a monkey? If not, where does his allegiance lie? Also, is a 45 enough to stop bigfoot, or do I need to get a 44 magnum like Dirty Harry?

Now, I personally don't believe in bigfoot, but, if he does exist, then the most likely explanation is he is some sort of monkey conspiracy to design a uber-monkey to one day overpower man. Now, while I revere the .45, I'd say, when in any area there are bigfoot sightings, treat it like your in an area with known grizzly attacks and thus keep a .44 magnum handy. My dad bought his first .44 magnum for when fishing in Alaska, and, though he encountered neither bear nor bigfoot, it's just the smart thing to do.

Sderrick writes:
Alright, here’s a science question that I got confused over at first and my hippy boss tried to make me feel stupid about. If two particles are traveling at each other at the speed of light, what is their relative speed? The answer should be obvious but the real question is why.

Their relative speed will be the speed of light, as nothing can move faster than the speed of light. Seems like a paradox, doesn't it? That's because it is. Einstein realized this early on as a flaw to his theory of relativity, so he took the only remedy available: blackmail. Apparently, thought his research in physics, Einstein found some flaw in the universe so glaring that God would never want anyone to find out about it. So Einstein threatened God to make his speed of light paradox true or he would release his findings. God, Who is no stranger to paradoxes since He can both lift anything and make a rock He cannot lift, consented, but then cursed Einstein's hair so that no comb made by mortal man could tame it. And thus the theory of relativity was given substance.
(Source: Fundamentals of Physics by David Halliday)

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming (I would especially like more science and math questions), e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

Rating: 2.6/5 (19 votes cast)

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April 09, 2004
Frank Answers: Punishment for Not Linking to IMAO, Entropy, Mother Earth, Foo', and Who Is the Real BerkeleyGirl
Posted by Frank J. at 06:48 AM

Johnny - Oh writes:
I have made a public apology for not linking you first when I stared my blog. Please see http://closetextremist.blogspot.com/2004_03_28_closetextremist_archive.html#108101092423667306 for details.
All I need to know is, what is my punishment?

Fool! There will be no end to the punishment for your blasphemy! You shall never receive a link from me, and, furthermore, you will... oh crap.

TXVet from San Antonio writes:
Okey Dokey Frankie
you crazy lil ninja monkey you
I Gotcha...
Assume entropy is truth.
Answer this:
Why did I bother to click send ?

Because of free will, the most volatile form of entropy. It is the variable that can't be solved, the factor that can not be compensated for, and the greatest random number generator. From it chaos flows, and no action in this world can be predicted with certainty.

Plus, it would have been stupid to write an e-mail and not send it.

Jason H from Austin, Texas where hippies are free to express "opinions" writes:
Frank, with all the talk of global warming on ol' Mother Earth, I couldn't help but think that the Earth goes through natural cycles. Now, females have "cycles" too, and, if the Earth (MOTHER Earth) is a woman, could it be possible that maybe the Earth is just on it's period and we don't know about it? Could global warming just be the equivalent of a "hot flash?" Thanks.

As I already told Michele, no feminine hygiene questions.

Wacky Hermit of Organic Baby Farm:
1) What does the "foo' " signify in the name of your brother, Joe foo' the Marine?
2) Passing on a math question from one of my calculus students:
Is there another way to integrate the function (sqrt x) / (x-4), besides substituting u^2 = x and then doing partial fractions with a long division?

1) "foo'" is an abbreviation for "fool", and I call my brother "Joe foo'" 'cause he's a foo'. Damn foo' still hasn't sent me the wedding photos I asked for or his Peace Gallery photos from his Marine training. He is free to rebut the charges of being a foo', but I think it will be hard.

2) Yes there is, but you need Greek letters which I don't know how to represent in HTML. Yes, Greek letters will solve it. Muh ha ha ha!

Reva from Berkeley:
Hi Frank! I have been reading your site for a long while now, and while technically I don't ever post comments or what have you, I still feel like I'm part of the IMAO community. But recently, I've noticed a disturbing trend. You see, I introduced my friend, known to IMAO readers as BerkeleyGirl, to your site a few months ago, and now all of a sudden she's the one everybody knows, although I should be the original BerkeleyGirl, having been here at least a year earlier. I assumed that you'd know this, being as all-powerful as you are, but somehow I seemed to have slipped on your supernatural radar. Which begs the question, how could such an oversight happen, Frank? Don't worry, I am not doubting you, because I'm rather afraid that one day I'd wake up and there would be ninjas/monkeys/ninja monkeys waiting outside my door to teach me a lesson for my insolence. But what other nifty Berkeley moniker could I be known by since my lovely friend has already taken BerkeleyGirl? And how can I communicate my impressive status as longest-standing IMAO reader from Berkeley? (And if anyone else from here e-mails you and says he's been reading longer, you just tell him I'll fight him for the title!) Thanks Frank!

You know, I wrote the whole IMAO Rules and Regulations book so I wouldn't get sent questions like this. If you look at page 1,043, section 67, subsection B.4.2, paragraph 4, it says:

If there is a readership dispute from two women from the city hereunto referred to as Berkeley as to who's readership makes one more deserving of "BerkeleyGirl", then a simple competition shall settle this matter. Being that Berkeley is full of hippies and this displeases the author of IMAO, each supposed BerekleyGirl shall thus slay the hippies, cleaning and stacking their skulls into a pyramid. After a set time of one month (30 days), the height of the pyramids shall be checked by a standard measure and then one woman shall be declared the victor. She shall then be known as "The Queen of Berkeley" - and not the gay meaning of queen - and she shall be rewarded with gold, silver, jewels, and boxes Ramen noodles. She shall then be exalted above all, and who does not bow before her will be cursed to have his web browser crash anytime he tries to view the delights of IMAO. So let it be written, so let it be done.

Oh, and you could compete in the IMAO T-Shirt Babe competition. That will work too.

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming (I would especially like more science and math questions), e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

Rating: 1.9/5 (27 votes cast)

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April 02, 2004
Frank Answers: Wily French, Brain Freeze, Club Liberals, Anti-Semitism, and Bombing Music
Posted by Frank J. at 10:02 AM

Bob from Michigan writes:
I was travelling on business last week and saw a group of people, including one man wearing a shirt that had the flag and a print of the constitution on it.
When they came to a set of stairs, flanked by escalators, one member of the group took the escalator. The guy in the flag shirt said, "What, are you becoming an American now?" (must be implying we're
lazy) But he had a FRENCH accent!
I wanted to grab him by the collar and say, "I'll show you a lazy American, you cheese eating surrender monkey!" and then punch him in the face. But then I realized that I might get blood on Old Glory and the US Constitution!
What's the proper etiquette for punching the French when they're wearing flag shirts? Was the shirt just a French ploy to keep from getting punched?

It's a common French ploy to wear sacred American symbols to keep us from beating them. The easiest solution is to quickly wrap the Frenchman around the torso with a garbage bag and then punch him in the face. That will keep blood from getting on the flag or Constitution while allowing a sound beating.

mt in big D asks:
what evil forces cause the phenomenon known as a brain freeze when i am enjoying a delicious frozen margarita? is there a way we can put a stop to all this senseless pain and suffering?

That pain is from God - who is a Mormon - punishing you for consuming alcohol. Why He singles out margarita drinkers, I don't know; the ways of God are mysterious.

The best way to stop the pain is to drink Guinness instead - the official beer of IMAO.

Mmm... Guinness. It's black - like my heart.

Chase Bradstreet from Hoover, AL. writes:
Safety pinned onto my backpack is a piece of paper with the words "Club Liberals, Not Sandwiches" and a picture of a sandwich with a red circle and line through it. The school administration told me this was "grossly offensive" and ordered me to remove it. Should I continue to sport this slogan and encourage the long-needed cudgeling of liberals everywhere?

You, sir, have the freedom of speech to stand up for, and, more importantly, the freedom of beating those who deserve it. Your school administration is obviously liberals, so beat them. Then eat a sandwich.

Terri from New Orleans writes:
Dearest Frank,
I've recently been hit with a dilemma (and perhaps an inability to spell...):
I'm Creole (which, I suppose, is Black in the rest of the country). I'm Catholic. I'm from New Orleans.
So, logically, I should be anti-semitic, right?
Well, I try. I try really hard. I keep reminding myself that some of Mengele's experiments really were useful for modern medicine. I'm fluent in German. I'm anti-Israel. I eat pork on a daily basis...
but all my friends are Jewish.
Does this make me a hypocrite? Is it wrong to *hate* the group (Jews) and *love* the individuals (like B. Applebaum and G. Stein)? Is it really part of my duty as a Catholic to be anti-semitic? Should my anti-semitism cover all semitic-speaking peoples (including muslims) and discard non semitic-speaking peoples (like Jews who don't speak Hebrew)?
I'm so confused.
I need answers.
And the Pope never answers my e-mails.

I'm sorry the Pope never answer your e-mails; he's a busy guy. In short, you probably shouldn't be anti-Semitic, as we've never figured out how far the Zionist Conspiracy goes. The whole Catholic Church... and maybe even Jesus... could be Zionist Conspirators. Mohammed definitely is. So keep your Jewish friends, and do whatever they tell you. There could be huge consequences otherwise.

Wesley from Halliburton's secret HQ under the Bush family ranch's outhouse (The toilet roll dispenser is used to enter the combination) asks:
To what music is it best to bomb terrorists to?

I always liked "Welcome to the Jungle" because of the "NOW YOU'RE GONNA DIE!!!" line. But, you can't go wrong with classics such as "Ride of the Valkyries". I should make a Bomb Terrorists mix CD. Anyone else have ideas? Put them in the comments.

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming (I would especially like more science and math questions), e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

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March 19, 2004
Frank Answers: Female Bombers, Fascist McFascist Endorsement, Jews and Their Hot Dogs, the Military and Kerry, American Woman, Quarks, and Relativity (I Know This One!)
Posted by Frank J. at 10:40 AM

Sal from Chicago, IL writes:
The new terrorist bombers from the paleswinians are female. Prior to this, they kept their females for breeding purposes and only offed them for "honor" killings. They breed at a rate of X per year and used to kill themselves off at a rate of Y per year, but now, with female bombers, their breeding rate should be slower. How soon before they're gone?

First of all, they're "Palestinians". There is no reason to use name calling against sub-human murderers. Secondly, the last female bomber abandoned two children when she blew herself up, thus there was no net loss. They're wilier than you think.

Phelps, from the state of Denial, asks:
Given that John Kerry won't say who the world leaders are who have endorsed him, what are the chances that he has secured the Fascist McFascist endoresment and doesn't want anyone to know so that the Limey doesn't find out and try to assassinate him by shouting Rage Against the Machine lyrics at him until Kerry cuts his own head off to escape the singing, and how are you coping with the knowledge that I totally kicked your ass in the "Win Frank's Funny" contest even though I wasn't an official participant? Does beer help?

As for your first question, I don't want to answer that. Saying Kerry secured the Fascist McFascist vote sounds too much like a polemic... even if it's true. Maybe I'll speak up if I see him eating apricots.

As for your second question, you weren't a participant, so you didn't even get a chance to lose. In any fair fight, I would have beaten you and anyone else. That's what defines "fair".

Laurence Simon from Houston, TX writes:
I like eating Hebrew National Beef Franks.
I looked all over the grocery store but I couldn't find the other (insert language here) National Beef Franks? No French National Beef Franks. No Spanish National Beef Franks. No Swahili National Beef Franks.
Did they all go out of business or something?

Yay! It's Laurence! One of my first questioners (who then got me accused of blasphemy).

As for your question, haven't you heard the jingle, "No one makes a frank like a Hebrew."?

Actually, the real answer is less singable. While the Latin National Beef Franks and the Aramaic National Beef Franks did go out of business, the rest were destroyed by the Zionist Conspiracy (except for the French National Beef Franks which was acquire in a hostile takeover by the German National Beef Franks). We could be eating all sorts of National Beef Franks if it weren't for the jooooos!

Sorry; I just like shouting, "Jooooos!"

BerkeleyGirl (presumably in Berkeley) writes:
I have a critical question. I'm in ROTC (scholarship, thank you very much) and am contracted, which means that as soon as I graduate from college in a few short years, I will be immediately contracted into the Army and shipped out. I have no problem with this, as I did apply to get into the program (and wasn't drafted or anything!) My real problem is this- What if, by some strange chance, i.e. "voter problems" in Florida, we all turn socialist like the Spanish, or some other crazy thing, Kerry actually becomes President? That would mean that he'd be my Commander in Chief and I'd have to do what he says. So, in the offchance that he does pull off enough votes to beat out a real American for the position of President, should I stick with the Army and just bite my tongue (argh, superiors!) or run away to Canada like a sissy? (Hell, nevermind Canada, if I'm going to be a deserter might as well go somewhere nice... like Jamaica... I don't know, I'll have time to figure that out later). Thanks for any suggestions.

P.S. I'm still waiting for my free t-shirt so I can send you the pics... and if you do ever come to California, I'm here! (and so is CCinCali, and a lot of my good -younger- friends who are major fans of yours)... just throwing that out there...

I say, if Kerry gets elected, the military will need you more than ever. Democrats are always trying to turn the military into some little social club, and we need lots of right minded people (especially the large scary ones with guns) in the military to dissuade them. The military still kept it's killing power during the Clinton years, and they can survive a John F’n Kerry.

As for your P.S., maybe I can visit my sister in Cali and say, "Hi." I really should do a national tour just for the ladies, instead of staying here in Melbourne, Florida where there are no women and I keep growing more bitter each day.

Hey! I could do like a blogger version of The Bachelor! That's one to file away for later...

Alex from Ye Olde England writes:
I have a absolutely wonderful blonde Republican g/f(gotta be nice as she reads this site), but unfortunately we are separated by over 3500 miles - she goes to College in Cali and I'm in the UK. Any advice on how to keep our own "special relationship" working with such a distance until I make the move to the US after graduating?

All the single women here in America I claim as my own; stay way from them! Why do need to find women here when you have your Margaret Thatcherseses in England?

Mike Webster from Dallas, Texas writes:
Please explain in simple layperson terms what a "quark" is, and why we cannot see them with our ordinary human-like eyes.
While you’re at it, how many "quarks", if laid end to end, would fit in the ashtray of a 1999 Ford Explorer?

Quarks are the smallest know unit of matter (well the top quark isn't that small) and they make up electrons and protons and maybe neutrons. They sit on the borderline between energy and matter. If you can't see them, then just look harder.

Keep looking!

As for your second question, let's count.




:: crunch ::


Wait, what were we talking about?

Blake Hitchcock from McMinnville, Tennessee writes:
If a car is a moving at 60 miles per hour, then anything attached to or inside of said car is moving at 60 mile per hour.
Einstein said nothing can travel faster than the speed of light.
If the headlights are on, and a the car is moving 60 miles per hour, then wouldn't the light be traveling at light speed plus 60?

No, because of relativity.


Oh, how does relativity work, you ask. Well, its... uh... I know I heard the answer to this before... it's because when something going to speed of light is observed it looks the speed of light to someone both in the car and outside because... uh... Hey! What's that over there!

(runs away)

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming (I would especially like more science and math questions), e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

Rating: 3.0/5 (28 votes cast)

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March 11, 2004
Frank Answers: Haircut Warranties, Card Tricks, More Ninja Fighting, Cryptography, and My Kid Sounds Dumb
Posted by Frank J. at 08:29 AM

Jay from Ann Arbor, Michigan writes:
Hey, Frank. Yesterday I got my hair cut at Supercuts and as I was paying
the cashier she said that my haircut was "guaranteed for one week". Do you
think this means that for the next 6 days I am immune to late-night monkey
ninja scalping attacks? If so, how can I best take advantage of the

Actually, a haircut warranty just protects against a total hairstyle collapse, causing all your hair to droop down your head like you're some hippy. Late-night monkey ninja scalping attacks should be covered under your homeowner's or renters insurance (if they happen at your place).

Rick from Randolph
Frank, a long haired guy with a beard (who's not a hippy, by the way, just an old biker-dude-Nam-era-patriotic-veteran-guy) showed me this card trick where no matter what you do, all the aces come out in the same pile every time. He says it's trigonometry, but he can't explain it. Please explain the trigonometricisity of this trick.

So you wan to know want to know what's behind this vaguely described card trick? It's sine... and arcsine. Not so special when you know how it works, huh?

This reminds me of a card trick I learned from Mr. Wizard more than a year ago. You have someone pick a card, then you shuffle the deck. Next you lay the cards in three columns putting one in the first column, the next card in the second column, the next the third column, and then back the first column and so on. Ask the person which column has his or her card. Put the deck back together with that column on top, and then repeat laying the cards out in three columns. After the third time of doing this, the person's card will be on top.

Whatever happened to Mr. Wizard? Rumor has it that he was trying to teach something to little Timmy when an explosion of chemicals horribly mutated him. Now he searches the sewers for victims to suck the blood from. Anyone know if that's true?

Denny Stone from Oklahoma:
Have you ever considered putting your In My World™ series or any of your other great satires to voice and trying to publish them for news talk radio? I think you should... oh, and if you do and it makes you rich and famous will you give me a cut of the wealth... or at least let me have some fame by telling people you're my best friend?

I could lie and say you're my friend, but no money.

This is a great idea... but how do you get on the radio? Guess that would have been a good question for G. Gordon Liddy. Everyone has all these suggestions like doing radio sketches and getting published which are like good suggestions because I get money... but they're like hard. I've tried e-mailing people and saying, "Hey! You publish me!" but it doesn't work. I always thought that someone important would stumble on my website and give me money without me doing anything.

If you're important, e-mail me for more information on giving me money.

Traveler from NW Ohio asks:
When does 1 + 1 not equal 2?

For very large values of 1.

Poosh from Britain writes:
It has been almost a year since that first ninja followed me home from school. I came to you for help and you told me to fight the ninja. That made things worse. You then told me to use ninja sprays. That made things worse. You then told me to use vegetarians against the mutant plants that took over my house as result from listening to your advice. That made things worse.
You see, using the internet I claimed I was holding a book club for vegetarians only. Sure enough no less than twenty vegetarians appeared at the set date and proceeded to cut and boil the legions of mutant flowers. I shouted “victory is in the hands of me – Poosh!” and proceeded to kick the vegetarians out of my house shouting “if you’re so concerned about the environment then STOP EATING IT.” I was ecstatic and set about a £20 note and some liquid silver as a thankyou present for you (Frank J). But before I knew it there was a tiny earthquake and thunderbolts and lighting; it was all very frightening. Then I was surrounded by coloUrs of all kinds and a being of great power appeared from nowhere and said “oh foolish Poosh, you have upset the balance of power! With the plant mutants gone the ninja hoards of Gothamorgmas will rise up and crush the British government and the official opposition leaving the Liberals as the only party of plausible governance!” NOOOO I screamed! “For know this Poosh, fate had no part in your inability to read the label on the ninja spray – it was the will of…” and then the great being of power vanished and all the coloUrs vanished. I realised a great quest had been handed to me. In listening to your advice I had destroyed the plant mutants whose ultimate purpose was to destroy the ninja hoards of Gothamorgmas thus restoring the balance of power – thus it is left to me to take on the ninja hoards and repair the damage that your advice had given rise to. But as I descended the stairs for a cup of tea I tripped, hitting my head against the cat. I’ve been in a coma for almost a year and have only recently awoken.
So Frank J! What should I do? What advice have you to offer me? I have an air-rifle and British grit as my quest items and British sarcasm is deadly in the right hands! Do you think The Limey is behind Gothamorgmas? What words of wisdom can you offer me?

The advice you gave me:
3 http://www.imao.us/archives/000760.html#000760
2 http://www.imao.us/archives/000693.html#000693
1 http://www.imao.us/archives/000646.html#000646

PS: Have we liberated Iraq yet or did the peaceniks get their way?

Poosh, Poosh, Poosh... if only you were better at following my advice this would never happen. Yes, it's possible The Limey is supporting the ninjas as he likes all terrorist group, and no terrorist group is older than the ninjas. You could attack The Limey - which would be easier - but the ninjas would still run wild. Thus, I will give you advice on ninja fighting:

* If they kick high, duck.
* If they kick low, jump.
* If they kick middle, you're screwed. Tell them not to quick middle.
* If they throw a star at you, don't try and catch it because it's sharp. Just get out of the way.
* If they swing a sword at you, don't let it hit you... it could be dirty and give you an infection.
* If a ninja offers you candy, don't take it.
* You must fight back with fists of fury and feet of irateness.
* Don't shoot them with an air rifle - that will just make them angry.
* So will British sarcasm.

If you follow that advice, you will defeat all the ninjas. If you don't defeat all the ninjas, then you're a bad listener.

And we did liberate Iraq, much to the anger of the peaceniks who gnash their teeth and stomp their feet as the Iraqis get democracy.

Sean from Houston, TX writes:
I have a science question for you. I have heard that one the dangers of space flight limiting the exploration of the galaxy is the random patches of high energy radiation flying around that would kill a human and would be difficult to block since a few meters of iron shielding would be difficult to get around. What is the answer to this problem?

Stay out of space.

Sean from Houston, TX also writes:
Public key encryption has revolutionized internet security, but how safe is the info protected by it since the prime numbers that require factorization to beat them can be cracked by super computers in a matter of decades? Hello! Does anybody see a problem with this. People will be able to read in private emails about my cartoon watching habits with relative impunity in 15 years.

Woo hoo! A cryptography question. Actually, the length of time your data is the secure is based on a number of factors. As we all know, public/private key encryption is made by taking two very large prime numbers and multiplying them together. How large are these primes? Take a large prime like 7919. That's nothing to these huge primes! That's just a germ! These primes are so big that, if you saw one, you'd be like, "Hot damn! That prime is huge!" And the larger the primes, the safer the data. By using larger primes, you can keep your data safer than 15 years... by current techniques. The idea is that factoring a number made by the product of two large primes is intractable (that's cryptography talk for "We're pretty sure they can't do that."). But, if some math-mo-tician comes up when some super new prime factoring method, then all private/public key encryption is worthless.

And private/public key encryption is hard to do, so it's never used to encrypt data. Usually, it encrypts the key for regular shared-key encryption such as triple-DES or the funky new kid in town, Rijindael (AES). Now, while you need like thousands of bits long key for private/public key encryption to keep your data safe, a 128-bit shared key encryption would take like 8 quintillion years to decrypt now using a supercomputer. So does that mean you data is safe for that long?


Because of Moore's Law (processing power doubling every one and a half years), your data is only safe for like sixty years. So what can you do if you don't want future archeologists from decrypting your data when they remove it from your tomb ten thousand years from now? One recommendation is to always use a hex key of all F's; that way, if someone tries to brute force your encryption (try every key) yours will be the last one they try.

Then again, if quantum computers work, people will be able to try all keys at the same time, and no key size will keep you safe. In the end, the best way to keep your data safe is to put it in a sock and hide it behind your couch.

Pumpk!nHead in Knoxville,TN
My son is almost 4. He is a very intelligent little boy. He can count to 100 and to 20 in Spanish. He is already reading some words. My problem is he has a bad Southern accent. How do I get rid of the accent? He sounds like a moron.

Now, I don't have kids... or can even stand the sight of them, but I always wiling to give advice on child rearing. I'd say hit him each time he sounds dumb. Then he'll learn not to sound dumb or to not talk at all. It's all good.

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming (I would especially like more science and math questions), e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

Rating: 2.5/5 (19 votes cast)

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March 04, 2004
Frank Answers: Free Oil for Troops, Killing The Limey, the Letters 'I', 'M', 'A', and 'O', Big Shirts, and the Morality of Downloading Music
Posted by Frank J. at 06:55 AM

Martin writes:
I am a National Guardsman currently serving in the Middle East with Operation Iraqi Freedom. Once I get back to the US, don't you think I should be entitled to pump as much free gas into my huge SUV as I want? After all, I helped steal Iraqi oil, am I not entitled to my cut?

A National Guardsman serving overseas? I thought only rich people joined the National Guard to avoid service?

I think all our troops deserve as much free gas as you want for helping steal that oil, but I don't set public policy; I only gripe about it. So everyone call your congressman or woman and say Martin should get free gas or threaten not to vote for him or her. Congress people hate not getting voted for.

Poosh from England writes:
Dear Frank, I am quite frankly disturbed by Tony Pentin's tone. His hate mail directed at you has aggravated me greatly. You see, I too am an Englishman and I can't stand the thought of a retarded jelly-moose like Tony living on my Island. So, I ask you, Frank - how do you want me to destroy him? Be warned though, guns are illegal in England so I can't shoot him. Well, I could with a cross-bow I suppose.

Hey Poosh! How are the ninjas?

Anyway, as long as I find The Limey entertaining, let's not kill him. Inevitably, I'll tire of him or he'll stop responding, and thus he'll need to be eliminated. If you don't have a gun (poor Poosh), you could always do things the Rumsfeld way and strangle him. Or you could poison his tea just before teatime. Or you could stage him to be the victim as a soccer riot. There are lots of way to kill people in England; you just have to be creative.

Dan from Auburn, AL writes:
What does the 'A' in 'IMAO' stand for?

Let's make a deal; I'll tell you what the ‘A’ stands for, but you have to tell me what the 'I', 'M', and 'O' stand for because I'm really curious.

Wacky Hermit from Undisclosed Mountain State,
Now that you're sold out of 2XL IMAO t-shirts, will there be a size large enough for Michael Moore to wear when he comes crawling back to you repenting of his evil ways?

Actually, since Doug the t-shirt guy forgot to list them for a month or so, there should be a decent number of 3XL left. So, if you got a lot of t-shirt to fill, or you're really small and want your own IMAO tent, buy a 3XL.

George S. at 16 floors above street level, Central Texas writes:
I understand downloading copyrighted music from the Internet is illegal, but is it immoral? If immoral, is it a venial sin or a mortal sin? Isn't downloadable music really a public good, as my enjoyment of it does not lessen another person's enjoyment of it and it is cost prohibitive to prevent folks from downloading music? I've got to go to confession soon, so I need to know whether this is a sin or not.

I find the best way to deal with moral issues is to not think about them; then you don't have to worry about guilt or nothing.

Now quiet; Metallica has just started up on my playlist.

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming (I would especially like more science and math questions), e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

Rating: 2.5/5 (30 votes cast)

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February 26, 2004
Frank Answers: Bear Baiting Teamsters, the Green Giant, and Backwards Batteries
Posted by Frank J. at 08:02 AM

Carissa (and Reva) from Berkeley, CA write:
I go to school at UC Bezerkeley, and am active in the Republican club up here(thank God, or I'd have turned homicidal by now... either that or hippie, not sure which would be worse... but I digress...) This Friday, John Kerry is holding a special event in nearby Oakland and some friends and I were planning on going in all our Republican gear, just to piss him off. However, his rally is being held at the local teamsters union hall, and I'm worried about health risks that are associated with going to such a place. What do you recommend? Is it worth the potential life-threatening effect to associate ourselves with such an organization, even if it is to taunt a Democrat? We're quite torn and thought you could offer the best advise on the matter... so please help, our lives rest in your hands!

I'll talk from experience here. During the 2000 campaign season, Al Gore came to speak at my college, Carnegie Mellon University. He happened to be speaking from the front steps of the building where my lab was, and, at the time he was speaking, I had to get a lab assignment checked off. So I end up having to fight my way past Secret Service agents to find a back entrance to the building, just barely getting there in time. I did get one glance of Al Gore through the windows at the front of the building and gave him the evil eye.

But that's neither here nor there. A friend of mind did attend the speech, and he had a bumper sticker for Senator Rick Santorum on a folder he was carrying. A teamster then grabbed his folder and ripped up the homework. I don't know how your professors will react to, "A teamster ripped up my homework."

Anyway, teamsters are mindless, angry brutes, and I wouldn't recommend confronting them unless you are well versed in ninjitsu or are lowered into the crowd in a steel cage to taunt them from. What do you call that? Oh yeah, a teamster cage. If you don't have the cage, I'd bait the Democrats the usual way we do, by being capitalistic.

matt l from Dallas, TX asks:
Who would win in a battle between the Red Baron and The Green Giant?

The Green Giant because he eats his vegetables. Let that be a lesson to you kids. Oh, AND DON'T DO CRACK!!!

Doug from NC writes:
Hey, Frank. When I reverse the batteries in my little fan, it runs backwards; but when I reverse the batteries in my flashlight, things don't get darker. What am I missing?

Well, I went to the local sciencetorium to find this out. The question was immediately met with, "Heathen! Bring your godless notions elsewhere!"

Another scientist said, "Follow the marking of the poles, fool boy; they are there for your protection."

"But I'm curious," I answered.

"Science is not about curiosity!" he shouted, "It's about preserving order! Now be gone!"

"Wankers," I uttered as I went back home.

I tried putting the batteries in backwards in a cheap flashlight I got from the supermarket. Nothing happened. So I opened it up. Ends up that inside was a little thing on the circuit that said, "ELECTRICTY FLOW GUARD - DO NOT REMOVE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD". So I took it out and turned the flashlight.

Ends up, now the flashlight did not just make things darker, but permanently removed the light from whatever I pointed it at. And, in that darkness, I could hear the wailing and moaning of many spirits. One spoke to me.

"Thank you for creating this eternal darkness in which we can exist," it told me in a harsh whisper, "Now once again we demons can plague your world."

And I was like, "Wow! Demons! Cool!"

So I guess flashlight companies got sued a while ago for releasing demons, so they put that thing in there to keep batteries from working in it backwards. Stupid trial lawyers.

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming (I would especially like more science and math questions), e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

Rating: 2.4/5 (29 votes cast)

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February 20, 2004
Frank Answers: Black Holes, Free Oil, Invisibility, What Really Happened to Rachel Lucas, Energy, and President Frank
Posted by Frank J. at 10:50 AM

Traveler from NW Ohio writes
Given the following Black-hole Dynamic Laws ...
first law of black hole dynamics
For interactions between black holes and normal matter, the conservation laws of mass-energy, electric charge, linear momentum, and angular momentum, hold. This is analogous to the first law of thermodynamics.
second law of black hole dynamics
With black-hole interactions, or interactions between black holes and normal matter, the sum of the surface areas of all black holes involved can never decrease. This is analogous to the second law of thermodynamics, with the surface areas of the black holes being a measure of the entropy of the system.

How much force would it take to make Michael Moore implode?

About one more taco will do it.

Actually, I think we should start a fund to feed Michael Moore until he implodes, sending him random gifts of fatty goods. If it's timed right, he'll suck a bunch of his liberal admirers into the black hole he makes from himself, creating one extremely annoying and obnoxious singularity.

matt l from Big D, TX asks:
Now that we own our own oil producing country, why do gas prices continue to rise? Shouldn’t I now be able to fill up my Freedom loving suv for free? (while all those dirty hippies and protesters pay double, and clean my house)

Why would you want dirty hippies and protestors cleaning your house? But this is Frank Answers™, not Frank Questions™.

Anyway, I was a little surprised by gas prices myself. I thought since we just traded all that blood for oil, we would be paying ten cents a gallon now. But inside sources tell me they're saving it for Bush's reelection. If he gets reelected, free oil for everyone who supported the war. If he loses, he'll spray all the oil on everyone who didn't support him and set them on fire.

Actually, he might do that either way.

Clint the Cool Guy from Texarkana, TX asks:
1. If you could become invisible, would you still be able to see?
2. Do you report your website earnings on your income tax?

1. No, because light needs to reflect off your eye for you to be able to see, and, if light reflects off something, it is also seen (and thus wouldn't be invisible). Solutions are to just have your eyes visible and totally freak people out or be completely invisible and blind and bumping into everything and people are like, "What the hell is bumping into everything? It's like some moronic poltergeist!" and they'd be totally freaked out.

But if you're already blind and used to it, like Zatoichi, the blind samurai, then being invisible would totally rock.

2. Uh... I dunno. Maybe I'll bring that up on H&R Block, but if I don't report them, everyone who visits this site claim you do it for charity.

Will in Knoxvvegas, Tennessee writes:
I'm sad about Rachel Lucas shutting down her blog. What can you do to get her back? Maybe a team of Stealth Ninjas to "change her boss' mind" to give her a full weeks pay, while actually dropping her from all work responsibilities? I think if I worked too much and had no time to blog, that would be enough to get me back. Maybe I've just got a narcissistic disorder too. Sweet.

Rachel Lucas was a great blogger, and she helped me move to MT and even made the logo you see above, but I'm afraid she is never coming back.

Rachel Lucas is dead.

I'm sorry to report it, but I was the one to ID her after the fiery car accident. The only identification left was a rant written on the back of a napkin - the style unmistakably Rachel's - plus a few pictures of her dog Sunny. Just let the world know that she died as she lived: hating Michael Moore and Barbra Streisand.

Wacky Hermit from Undisclosed Mountain State
Bread always lands butter side down, and cats always land on their feet. So if you securely strap a piece of buttered bread, butter side up, to the back of a cat and drop the ensemble off the top of a building, what happens at the bottom?

The easiest way to find the answer to this would be to strap the said buttered bread to said cat and throw him off said building, but that's not scientifical. Science involves equations and theories.

Now, a cat lands on its feet because of an innate sense of equilibrium. Buttered bread lands butter side down for the sake of irony. The question is which force is more powerful? To me, the power of irony would only overpower the cat’s sense of equilibrium if someone really intended on eating that bread:

"Now, Mittens, I'm going to strap this piece of buttered bread to you for safe keeping as I'm really hungry... No stay away from the edge of the building, Mittens! Now land on your feet as always... Nooo! Not your back! My piece of bread is ruined! And Mittens had always landed on his feet before. Why, God, why?"

John S. from Valdez, Alaska writes:
Frank, I live in Alaska in a place where we get a lot of snow. Where does all the white go when the snow melts in the spring?

I used to live in Alaska, too, and I once stumbled upon the answer. Ends up all the white goes into an underground cave run by little gnomes who then package it up and sell it to the Colombians who then sell it back to Americans as cocaine. It seems like an inefficient process, but your know how magical gnomes are.

Mike Webster from Dallas, Texas asks:
If E=mc^2, what happens if you only double mc?

Well, then you get two times mc, and don't you dare try and pass that off as energy because no one is going to believe it. Once the power company tried to sell me 2mc instead of real E, and I found out right away and was like, "Hey! Jerk-offs! Give me the good stuff before I punch you in the face!"

Yeah, that's right. Don't try and get any of that 2mc crap pass Frank.

Kelly (aka The Patriette) from somewhere in the middle of Texas writes:
1. With your infinite knowledge, why aren't you running for President? We could use someone with your type of ideas.
2. If President Bush were to select you to replace Dick Cheney as his running mate, what would you do?

1. Some jackass put in the Constitution you have to be 35 to be president, making me eleven years lacking. Other than that, I'd so be president right now. Anyway, Frank for President in 2016 (presumably right after Condi finishes her second term).

2. Total crime spree, dude. I wouldn't have anything better to do, and my best bud has pardon power, so look out! We're talking daring daylight robberies followed by bar fights all night long. Watch out, everyone, Frank's the VP, and you can't touch me. Woo-hoo!

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming (I would especially like more science and math questions), e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

Rating: 2.2/5 (34 votes cast)

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February 13, 2004
Frank Answers: Netflix, Anti-Drugs, Free Palestine, Those Wacky Canucks, and Martian Water
Posted by Frank J. at 08:10 AM

Scott from The Frozen Tundra Of Minnesota asks:
If I actually remembered to sign up with Netflix through your site (thus netting you $9 and contributing to your plan to make a bajillion dollars), do I get an honorable mention in an "In My World" piece?

Why would you need any other prize that the many great DVD's you'll receive through the mail now that you're a Netflix member. I know I sure enjoy it... or at least I did when my widescreen TV was working. I better get it back today as I have Pirates of the Caribbean, Underworld, and Once a Time in Mexico waiting.

Oh, and everyone else sign up through my button for Netflix too so I get more money and you get movies. Everyone wins.

Brandon G. from Bramble, IN writes:
Help. I’ve been seeing commercials for “Parents: The Anti-Drug.” All well and good, but I’ve seen commercials for “Responsibility: The Anti-Drug.” I went to anti-drug.com in hopes of gleaning once and for all what the anti-drug of choice is, but instead, I also found “Volunteerism: The Anti-Drug,” “Talking To Your Daughter: The Anti-Drug” and “Reality: The Anti-Drug.”

Frank, I’m so confused now. With so many anti-drugs on the market, how will I know which one’s right for me?

The idea is that you need to find your own anti-drug by constantly experimenting with all sorts of different anti-drugs to see which one gives you the best anti-high.

My anti-drug is booze, BTW.

Lou Windsor asks:
When will all the Hippies die?

When we kill them, Lou. When we kill them.

Alex from Ye Olde England from:
Frank - thanks for your advice on joining the military reserve. My next question is this: I sometimes see people waving signs saying "Free Palestine!"...but where do I get my free Palestine? Does it come in a Happy Meal or something? I would ask but the people waving the signs smell funny.

Ever come to think why they're giving it away? It's because it's full of murderous Palestinians, blowing themselves up and others. Hell, I'd bet some would pay you take their Palestine off their hands. Frankly, I'd just stick to trying free cheese samples as the supermarket.

Jona G. from Higley, AZ writes:
Frank, Drudge Report just had a news article stating that only 15% of Canadians would vote for George Bush. I'm at a loss as to why this is even newsworthy. Isn't that like saying that only 15% of Mexicans would vote for Vladimir Putin? I mean, who cares? And who is this moron polling Canadians on something they will never be able to do? And why are these Canadians dumb enough to respond to these "fantasy vote" questions? I'm perplexed.

Well, Canadians are quite dumb; that's why they're not Americans. To be the most kick ass country around, we have to be a little discriminating about who can be our citizens. Now, the Canadians are upset that most Americans don't even know where they are, so they do stuff like this to say, "Hey! Pay attention to us, eh!" Don't fall for it.

If someone asks you what's up north, tell them Maine. If they ask you what's further north than that, just say barren wasteland in which no man can survive and not be inconsequential.

Mark from Olympia, Washington asks:
1. How many rocks would the Mars explorers have to photograph to justify
spending 800 million bucks on the mission?

2. If the explorers discover there was once water on Mars, what should
we do next?

1. 47

2. We should steal all the water from the Martian people despite all the hippy protests of "No Green Ooze for Water".

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming (I would especially like more science and math questions), e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

Rating: 2.2/5 (24 votes cast)

Comments (25)
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February 05, 2004
Frank Answers: Monkey Ninjas, IMAO Blocked, Algorithms, Chomps on a Shirt, and the Arab Street
Posted by Frank J. at 08:35 AM

Elliot Temple from Berkeley, California writes:
I just saw an episode of Kim Possible where a super villain trains monkey ninjas. The monkey ninjas live through the episode. My question is do you know a good brand of sleeping pills?

Yes, but they're prescription only. I recommend whiskey. Just like my dad always told me: "Through the most troubling times, whiskey will never let you down, son. Now it’s time for your daily beating!"

Jason from Binghamton writes:
I was using my parents computer this weekend. They have a blocker through their ISP that keeps you from being able to look at porn. It also keeps me from viewing IMAO. Is this a conspiracy against you?

Yes, absolutely. Most people would immediately blame a Zionists conspiracy for anything, but I think this is the work of the Illuminati, a secret, evil organization that your parents are probably part of. My opinion is that you should shut up and mention this no more, as you will be disappeared. Then again, you're not able to read this advice, so do what you want.

Phil from Phoenix writes:
I recently attended a conference where they talked about approaching problem-solving by the use of algorithms. Is this method named after Al Gore? Did he invent it like he did the Internet?

Webster’s dictionary says the word originated in 825 A.D. Thus, if it were named after Al Gore, that would mean Al Gore is an ancient, evil robot created by aliens... just as I always suspected.

Anyway, I would avoid algorithms. Me, I love heuristics. It's a lot like bullsh*ing, but more scientifical.

MAJ Mike asks:
When will there be Chomps t-shirt? My students would be soooo jealous.

There are a number of points here. First, if you want more t-shirts from IMAO, you have to buy my current one to prove I have power to move merchandise. Secondly, Chomps was inspired mainly by Emperor Misha I's logo, and I'm afraid any t-shirt would look too much like it. Finally, a t-shirt depicting Chomps totally freaking out and getting angry would take so powerful a printing that wardrobe malfunctions would be likely, and I don’t know if Doug from ThoseShirts.com has the insurance for that.

Bobo from the Atlanta Zoo
Do you separate Monkeys and Apes in your blatant discrimination of the Simian Race? Or do you discriminate against them equally?

I don't buy this monkey/ape distinction; they're all just monkeys to me. You hear that, Bobo? You're a dead monkey... dead! I'm going to use you to help coin a new phrase: "As fun as shooting monkeys in a barrel."

Jay from Brooklyn writes:
I have heard a lot about "The arab street" lately. Do you know where the arab street is? If so, what is the actual name of that street? I'm guessing it's something spelled with a "Q" instead of with a K or C. That is so obnoxious.

You're probably right about it having some wacky 'Q' in it, but I honestly don't know the name of the Arab Street, and, if I did, I probably would not be able to pronounce it. My guess, though, is that the Arab Street is somewhere in Saudi Arabia and you'll easily be able to identify it by a big sign that says "Caution: Stampedes".

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming (I would especially like more science and math questions), e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

Rating: 2.5/5 (24 votes cast)

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January 29, 2004
Frank Answers: Purpuro and Bathrobes, a Frank J. Successor, and Tin-Foil Hats
Posted by Frank J. at 06:55 AM

Miranda from Pick a city writes:
"Larry Purpuro, coordinator of the Republicans' e.GOP Project in 2000, said many bloggers were little more than `armchair analysts in their bathrobes [with] no serious interest in leaving their living rooms to actually help the campaigns.'"

Inquiring minds want to know: Do Samurai wear bathrobes?

Well, the clothing has been compared to pajamas, but I never wear a bathrobe because this is Florida and it is too warm here. Plus, I live in my own house; at who's accord am I being modest?

Right now I'm blogging in jam-jam bottoms and a white undershirt. Take that, Purpuro!

Earl from Des Moines, Iowa who forgot to include her URL as instructed asks:
When you become the next Dave Barry will you use your site for shameless self-promotion, abandon it altogether, or name a successor? How about Wind Rider (http://silentrunning.tv/)? Or is it too early to start nominating people?

When I become rich and powerful, I will crush anyone who might be a threat to me. There will be no successor! If Wind Rider is any good at humor, he will be destroyed! There will only be Frank! And all will mourn and weep my passing!

Edward C. writes:
Can you incorporate the term "tin-foil hats" into more of your humor? I just crack up every time I hear that.

Sorry, but Kucinich isn't going to get the nomination.

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

Rating: 2.7/5 (45 votes cast)

Comments (8)
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January 22, 2004
Frank Answers: Illegal Aliens, Liberal Frank J., Pedro, 73 Lesbians, Caliber Preference, and Evolution
Posted by Frank J. at 06:51 AM

Dave F from Burlington, CT writes:
Frank, I heard that California is planning to issue drivers license's to illegal aliens. Why would a monster who flies a spaceship need a license?

Because speeding down the highway is cool, dude. If you've every flown a spaceship, it big and unwieldy, I tell ya, while a Corvette is sleek, yo. And an alien is already in enough trouble being chased by men in black; last thing he needs is to be put in jail for driving illegally.

Tim from Seoul Korea writes:
If, as according to popular scientific theory, the universe is curved on itself - have you ever worried that you are so far right that you may actually end up on the left?

That's crazy talk. I could never be liberal, no matter what the circumstances. Once, a scientist told me that in some parallel universe there would be a liberal Frank J., and I beat him. And I mean severely. He won't walk again. So who won that scientific debate? That's right; score one for the Frankster.

Now no more talking about this.

Pam from Ohio writes:
Who is Pedro and why is he calling me?

PS His calls started the same day I started reading IMAO...mmmm

We don't talk about Pedro. Next question.

Pedro asks:
About that female Hamas terrorist who recently murdered four Israelis, was she a lesbian? Will she get those 72 virgins?

Oh yeah; 73 women making out for eternity. Now there's a heaven, heh heh.

...wait, I mean that's deviant and wrong. I'm a good Catholic boy. Stop putting thought like this in my head.

M. McClain (MAJ Mike) from San Antonio writes:
Question - 9mm or cal. 45 ACP? Beretta or M1911A1?

I'm e-mailing from deep cover at my high school while my students are
taking a Geography test.

Good use of your time, sir... except the answer to that question should be pretty obvious to my avid readers. Maybe this graphic sent in by a reader can clear up things.

Ruth in NC asks:
Are you a ninja or a pirate?

I am a samurai, and I fight with honor, my sword of justice striking down both pirate and ninja. Duh.

Elliot Temple from Berkeley, California asks:
Is evolution true? Does evolution really say my great grandfather was
a monkey?

No! It is a lie spread by monkey kind in a ploy to keep us from killing them. We actually evolved from the kangaroo, and that's why there is a pouch on your stomach. Just trust me about the pouch and don't look.

T.J. from Melbourne, FL writes:
President Bush has recently proposed plans to bring Americans back to the moon. How are we going to nuke the moon if Americans are going to be on it?

It's just a matter of timing; don't nuke the moon while Americans are there (but maybe while Chinese are). Also, maybe nuke the other side so as to not radiate our astronauts.

But we're not talking about Nuke the Moon anymore; we're talking about terrorists. So buy my new t-shirt.


* * * *

Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

Rating: 2.6/5 (53 votes cast)

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January 15, 2004
Shirts, Terrorist Video Games, More Liberals in the Family, and Bourbon for Our Troops
Posted by Frank J. at 08:44 AM

Woty from Nigeria asks:
Are there ever going to be more nuke the moon shirts?

I'm sorry, Timmy, but there aren't any plans for more Nuke the Moon t-shirts right now. Because of their high quality, there is a minimal amount that can be made at once, and I'm not sure I could sell that many more.

But there are still a number of my new shirt design left. Buy now, before they're all gone! Now!

Ford from Flint, Michigan writes:
Usama seems to like to release audio recordings and videos. Do you think it's just a matter of time before he releases a video game?

That's certainly possible. Wow! What would I do if buying videogames supported terrorism? I'd have to choose between my own pleasure and supporting evil. Now I know how drug users feel.

Adam from Utah (only for as long as is absolutely imperative) writes:
My sister married a hippie and becomes more and more liberal by the day. I don't know what angers me more, the fact that the so-called "higher education" system helped make her this way or that she currently teaches french and infects young high school minds with the same worthless filth every day. What should I do?

Well, in our superior culture, we don't support honor killings of your sister, so you'll have to handle the problem in a more subtle way. If my sister were liberal, I'd hit her with a stick (you hear that Sarah; if Hollywood turns you liberals, prepare for a stick hitting). Instead, you could use a painful, high-pitch signal each time she makes a liberal statement to try and train her. Also, you could hold her eyes up open while forcing her to watch images of French cowardice while Beethoven music plays. Whatever works.

Savannah McClelland from Lake Worth, FL writes:
My step-dad is a liberal. My mother is a conservative. They argue a lot, and it's really difficult for me to deal with. You see, secretly, I'm a conservative myself, but I feel really bad always backing up my Mom. Kind of guilty, too. I mean my step-dad is nice and all; is it really his fault he's wrong? The other day, my Mom found a high-powered hose, because my step-dad was chanting "Hell no, we won't go!" and you know what, he still hasn't recovered. But I did hear him say,"mumble mumble mumble neocon mumble..." as the ambulance was carrying him away. What should I do?

Wow! Are you related to Scott?

Hmm, seems like a lot of people are having problem with liberals in their families. My parents never allowed any liberals in ours, but I guess I was lucky. As for your situation, I guess you can't break his kneecaps, because there's like a Commandment saying you have to honor your mother and father, and it might also apply to step-dads (if you run into Jesus, have him confirm this). Hitting him with the high-powered hose was a good start, but more is needed. What I think there really needs to be is a support group for people with liberals in their family and a hotline you can call for advice. Someone give me millions of dollars and I'll get that started nationwide.

Alex from Ye Olde England writes:
Greetings from the UK - I'm at College at the moment and am having to make a big decision - do I join a military/police reserve unit and do my bit for the War on Terrorism, or do I keep on writing right wing articles for my college magazine/generally disrupting commie activities on Campus (which I wouldn't have time for and wouldn't be allowed to due to regulations if I did join up)?

I'd say join. If you don't get in the military and kill terrorists, you'll regret it for the rest of your life. Plus, since you live in England, it will be like your only chance to fire a gun.

Jamie R. Jacoby from Hunt, TX writes:
I went to see “The Last Samurai” and the ninjas really scared me. Have you seen it or is the thought of really scary ninjas just to overwhelming for you?

Of course I saw that movie. There is no reason to be sacred of ninjas when samurai are about. That's why you don't need to be afraid of ninjas when I'm around. Hai!

Lou Windsor from the military writes:
A few of us military guys have a question:
After a long day of ruling the world, we like to relax like the next guy. Should we drink a beer and risk getting a bit bloated, or should we stick with the bourbon?

Also, as a follow up question:
Cluster bombs or frags?

I think our military men and women deserve bourbon, so stick with that. Actually, I'll donate money towards it (I'll funnel it out of the money for the support line for people with liberals in their family; don't tell anyone).

As for your second questions, I'd pick cluster bombing the enemy over fragging your superior officer.

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

Rating: 2.3/5 (33 votes cast)

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January 08, 2004
Frank Answers: Evil, Peeing, Cat's, Violent Videogames, Commie Roomates, and Still Married to a Liberal
Posted by Frank J. at 07:08 AM

Edward from the Navy:
I have only recently discovered your site. It is very nice, congratulations and good job. However I was very disturbed by something yesterday. I entered a choice on the Filler Poll, and it told me I was the 666th person to vote. Does this mean I am evil? Or perhaps this site is evil, or in fact the Filler Poll itself was evil? I voted again to make sure, and I was then the 667th person to vote, so I'm pretty sure if it was me, it was only a momentary lapse in my general goodness. Do you have any ideas. Thanks.

You are only supposed to vote once, so I think that means you are evil. Then again, the poll is supposed to only let people vote once, so maybe it's evil - or just incompetent. Anyway, now I can't trust the results and will just have to throw them out. Buchanan will be disappointed.

Aaron from NY,NY:
If you pee on subway tracks, can the electricity travel up the stream of pee and electrocute your weewee?

No, so go do it now.

Leo from Detroit writes:
My cat's name was Rocky. My friend's cats are called Chauncy and Simba. I used to have another cat but to give you her name would be extraneous information. My other friend has a cat named Blake who has a raccoon-tail. I hope you find this relevant.

No, you just wasted all our time - especially mine. Go say five Hail Mary and then burn your cat sacrifice.

The Vigilante from Southeast Michigan writes:
You seem to be opinionated on a lot of things, like gun calibers, France, and monkey ninjas. What is your opinion on violent videogames?

I only like violence in videogames if the violence is central to the story, such as the story being you're supposed to violently kill lots of people. I especially like Grand Theft Auto III where you could randomly beat people with a baseball bat. I learned some important lesson from that and I think those lesson would be great for kids, too - that lesson being that you can attack whomever you want and get away with it scott-free. I would like more games where you could violently kill monkeys, though, like some of the games in the Turok series.

There has been some criticism of late that games are focusing more on just being violent and less on quality gameplay. I think this is a good idea, because gameplay is overrated. I really don’t think videogames became truly engaging until graphics were good enough to accurately portray blood splatter.

They frankly isn't enough sex and nudity in videogames, though, but give it time.

Evil Otto from Orlando writes:
I have a question. I need a good t-shirt, but I can not find one to purchase. Do you have any recommendations?

Sorry, nothing is coming to mind. Maybe you could just wear a brown paper sack.

Michael from Cal-ee-forn-ya:
My name is Mike, I'm a freshman at UC Davis in California. At the beginning of the school year I found out that my roommate is a hippie. I never liked hippies which is why I chose to stay away from Berkeley but at least he showers. So I didn't think too much of it, just made fun of him a lot for his stupid beliefs. The problem is that recently I found out that he also has Commie beliefs. When I heard that he was not only a hippie, but a Commie (which he tries to deny), I got scared. I'm afraid that he may try to brainwash me or something to get me to accept his beliefs. What should I do? I desperately need help, for now I'm holding out but who knows what crazy mind tricks these commies can do.

Strangle him. If college officials question you on why you strangled your roommate, just explain calmly that he was a Commie. If that's not enough of an explanation for them, strangle them too; they're also Commies.

Anne Crosby from Lake Worth, Florida
Still married to a liberal.
Thanks for your response. I tried the browbeating thing right off. It worked wonderfully for a while, but things have started to change lately.
He mumbles behind my back, and won't tell me what he said no matter how hard I scream, squeal, or stomp my foot.
I am getting the suspicion that he may be getting ready to try some sort of "civil disobedience" stunt here in the household. I can't have that.

You may have to up your methods against him. The best answer to civil disobedience is to spray the dissenter with a high-powered hose. Where to get one, you ask? Try your local fire station. I find they are not well guarded when everyone is called out to fight a massive fire. The challenge to you is how to start a massive fire. Once you have the hose, you just need to lead your husband near a fire hydrant and then blast him.

It's much cheaper than marriage counseling.

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

Rating: 2.4/5 (35 votes cast)

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December 04, 2003
Frank Answers: Medium T-Shirt, Buck's Rank, Nuking France, and Married to a Liberal
Posted by Frank J. at 12:45 PM

Andrew Johnston from Abbotsford, B.C.:
How big is the medium T-Shirt? Is it like, small-medium, medium-medium, or large-medium? If I spend $15.95 USD (which is like, 50 bucks in Canada) on a large T-Shirt and it is too big I'll be pissed. Likewise, if I buy a medium and it is too small, I'll be pissed. Help a Canadian from becoming pissed: How big is the medium shirt? I'm five foot seven. Medium, or large?

By the way, you capitalist swine, don't you dare tell me to buy one of each! I know that trick, and it won't work! That would truly break my bank account, and I'm a poor college student just looking to buy a top-quality shirt.

The t-shirts from ThoseShirts.com are certainly top quality, but it's hard for me to say how big a medium is. It's bigger than the small (which we don't offer) and smaller than the large.

Don't they have medium t-shirts in Canada for you to reference, or are there only hockey jerseys in clothing stores?

Rich from Lewiston, NY asks:
What is Buck the Marine's rank, and what medals/ribbons does he have?

I once asked my brother, Joe foo' the Marine, what rank he thought Buck was, but I forgot the answer. If Joe is reading this, maybe he could answer in the comments section. Also, maybe he could finally send me the pictures for the Peace Gallery and from his wedding, the lazy bastard.

Buck has a medal for kill'n for'ners above and beyond the call of duty.

Elliot Temple from Berkeley, California writes:
When we have to nuke France, how many nukes should we use? Obviously
we couldn't use all of them because we have to nuke other countries.
Also they are expensive. So it's a tough call, but I'm sure you'll
know the solution.

I'm sure our military has calculated exactly how many nukes it should take to obliterate France, and I'd say use that many times two. We have to make sure we nuke France proper because we'll be setting an example that future generations will learn from.

Anne from Lake Worth, Florida writes:
This is hard for me.

My husband is a hippie liberal. He even protested the Vietnam War!

He is good to me now, and is a good provider, and takes care of my kids. He loves me too. But should I blast him? He is a German National, on top of it all. At least he isn't French.

You don't need to blast your husband, but you should browbeat him to the point that he's too intimidated to ever express an opinion of his own. Most women I've known seem to be good at that.

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

Rating: 2.0/5 (27 votes cast)

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December 02, 2003
Frank Answers: Green Party, Alien Drivers, and Why Now?
Posted by Frank J. at 06:14 PM

Yay! Frank Answers™!

Denny from Oklahoma asks:
If a tree fell in a forest and no one was around to hear it will the Green party ever win an election?

No. To win elections, Greens have to make sure we hear about every single tree that falls in the forest and then care about it... and we won't.

Damn dirty trees can rot in hell for all I care. We have plastics and metals which are superior building materials to wood, and nice grass fields gives us plenty of oxygen. Forests are useless and should all fall and be unheard.

Dave F. from Burlington, CT writes:
I see that California is planning to issue drivers licenses to illegal aliens. Why would someone that drove here in a spaceship need a license?

Space aliens come to kill us, and it's too hard to hit pedestrians with a spaceship.

Earl from Paris, France asks:
How come you can only make time for "Frank Answers" when you have shirts to sell?

Because I like money. I'm a freank'n capitalist; what do you want from me? Oh yeah, I forgot to mention it today - BUY MY SHIRT! They should be ready well before Christmas and are a perfect gift for anyone you know who doesn't like terrorists.

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

Rating: 1.9/5 (24 votes cast)

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October 20, 2003
Frank Answers: Popeye Laugh, Convenient Bombing, Baseball Curses, and Poo Flinging Monkeys
Posted by Frank J. at 12:34 PM

Ross McIntosh from Syria writes:
How would I type Popeye's laugh? I've tried all kinds of things and
none of them seem to convey it properly.

"Ah Guh Guh Guh!" seems closest to me, but nothing can match the sound of the world's most disfigured man himself.

Jessica R. from Waco, Tx writes:
While bombing the nations of France, Germany, Iraq, Syria, North Korea, and any other stupid, socialist, or annoying countries is appealing... oh, so deliciously appealing, is there any way to make it more efficient? I mean, it just seems wasteful to bomb all the countries individually, so I'm wondering if there's a way we can simply round these countries up in one convenient location.

That's what U.N. summits are for (far as I can figure).

Mike from a hole in the ground asks:
Will the Red Sox win the World Series next year?

No, because of the curse from when they sold the Bambino to fund opening the pharaoh’s tomb in which they found a goat.

Plus, they will never beat the Yankees since they have Hideki Matsui who has the spirit of the samurai in him and hits very honorable homeruns. Hai!

Mike, Franklin, TN writes:
recently i read that monkeys fling poo to show love, hate, or jealously. and i also read that monkeys fling poo alot. liberal democrats also enjoy flinging poo around mainly at republicans. so i guess my question is,are democrats really just cyborgs created by the monkeys to destroy us all?

Just Al Gore.

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

Rating: 1.7/5 (27 votes cast)

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October 14, 2003
Frank Answers: Vote for Principle or Ah-nuld, Will Frank Move to Australia, and People are People
Posted by Frank J. at 12:14 PM

Pam from Cahleeforneeyah writes:
Now that Ahnuld has been elected the new govenah of Cahleeforneeyah, I'd like to know how you would have voted were you in my shoes. I'm of the 13% voters who believed McClintock was the better candidate but voted for Ahnuld as I couldn't bear the thought of Tattoo (Bustamante) running Fantasy Island. Did I wuss out, Frank? Should I have stuck with my convictions irrespective of the outcome? This keeps me up at night. Thanks for a reply.

Pam, you did the right thing. While principle are fun and all, you can't hold them above partisan gain. The fact was that Arnold had an 'R' next to his name and McClintock didn't have a chance of winning while Bustamante (the scarlet 'D' next to his name) did. Throwing away one's vote on political principle should be left to those wacky liberals, while we, the conservatives, must be more rational about things and vote for Austrian movie stars with a poor grasp of English.

Jez from Brisbane, Australia writes:
Frank, have you ever considered moving to Australia?, with talent like yours you could be a Big fish in our small pond, as long as you don’t mind Steve Irwin of course he is one of our icons! lol.

Crikey! I'd be too afraid of the crocs biting me. All have to contend with here in Florida are the friendly gators. While I do like Australia, and definitely would like to visit someday, I'm too much of an uber-patriot to ever move permanently from the States.

James from Ontario asks:
Does "Depeche Mode" count as a French product for boycott purposes?

Umm... sure, why not.

Wait, were people even buying their albums in the first place?

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

Rating: 1.9/5 (28 votes cast)

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October 07, 2003
Frank Answers: Weak Forces, Be Like Frank, Monkey-men, and Hand Washing
Posted by Frank J. at 12:37 PM

Doyle S. from Moscow, Russia asks:
What happens when an easily resisted force meets an easily moved object?

Finally, an intelligent question. I believe this causes a rip in the space-time continuum or something. Fortunately, this situation is very unlikely to happen because it would involve France invading itself.

Don W. from Virginia asks:
Frank, I'm not as funny as you. How can I change that?

Drink a gallon of Windex.

NOTE: IMAO and its subsidiaries (of which there are none) are not liable for any damage done by an individual following the advice of this column.

Wesley from the starship Enterprise asks:
Since you have such a distain for monkeys, I was wondering how you felt about famous man/ape, ape/man combinations, like Tarzan or Bigfoot?

Tarzan is not a man ape; he is a man raised by apes and thus a traitor to his kind. I'm pretty sure Bigfoot is a myth, but if not, he should be killed because he is obviously part of some huge monkey conspiracy... probably involving space aliens.

I don’t like space aliens either.

Denny from Montenegro writes:
On Sept. 23 I heard a report on NPR about hand washing (http://www.npr.org/features/feature.php?wfId=1440436). The report was based upon research done by spies in airport bathrooms. They commented that 20% of women and 30% of men don't wash their hands. I find this disgusting but a listener mail read on NPR yesterday, Sept. 25, brought to the table a good point. That is, "person uses restroom, person turns on faucet with soiled hands, soil is deposited on faucet, person washes hands, person once again touches faucet, soil is re-deposited on persons hand. What has been accomplished?" So, Frank, what has been accomplished?

Washing ones hands after using the restroom is of cultural significance. It shows that we have higher standards of cleanliness than filthy animals such as the capybara or the Frenchman. When you refuse to wash your hands, you distance yourself from the standards of man and chip away at your own humanity.

What is accomplished, you ask? Why everything. From advanced technology, putting man in space, to medicine that lengthens our lives; this is all symbolized in the act of washing our hands. We once lived in caves, but now we have faucets in our bathrooms and for good reason.

Then again, perhaps the push to always wash your hands after going to the bathroom is just a conspiracy by Big Water to keep people using their product. Damn you, water utilities!

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

Rating: 2.5/5 (27 votes cast)

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October 02, 2003
Frank Answers: Gun Threats, Traitorous Muslims, Evil KB Monkeys, and More!
Posted by Frank J. at 12:14 PM

Yay! It's back!

Jason from Ohio writes:
I live in a university campus town, surrounded by liberal democrats, so it's only a matter of time before my apartment gets broken into and my stuff gets stolen. I don't own a handgun, and would like to purchase one. What type of handgun would you suggest for someone with little handgun shooting experience (I have fired rifles)? Or is brandishing a toy gun sufficient to scare aware most liberals?

Yes, living aorund liberals can be scary, so it is good to have something to shoot them with. I had a whole series for people unfamiliar with guns, but, in short, I'd reccomend getting a .357 magnum revolver if you want something really simple.

As for brandshing a toy gun, absolutely not. Where guns are concerned, never make a threat you can't back up.

Bilbus from Pennsville, NJ (the land of stupid gun control and stupider vehicle inspections) asks:
Frank, are all US government-employed muslims, such as the Gitmo boys, terrorist infiltrators, or just the ones they catch?

Not all Muslims are traitors. Why, for every Muslim traitor that is unconvered, there is at least one to two and half Muslims who are completely loyal to America. Thus, it would be unfair to single out Muslims for closer scrutinity. So, as to not hurt their feelings, all minorities should be singled out instead.


Rob W. from Michigan writes:
I work in a mall, there is a K.B. Toys nearby. They have a monkey outside that keeps giving me the evil eye. So my question is... Should I shoot the monkey,
or firebomb K.B. Toys so that the monkeys ninja allies can not retaliate.

Definitely the firebomb. You don't want to start something with monkeys that you can't end. Snipe one, and soon you'll be surrounded by them, all of them hitting you with their tiny fists.

Oh, and when the police ask, you don't know me and I've never given you advice.

Dave F from Burlington, CT asks:
Boxers or Briefs? Coke or Pepsi? Iran or North Korea?

Boxers, Coke, and our you asking to live in, to bomb, or to conquer and rule as king?

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

Rating: 2.5/5 (22 votes cast)

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September 19, 2003
Pirate Answers: Keeping People in California, Teflon, and Damn Whatcha-Ma-Callits
Posted by Frank J. at 11:30 AM

Time for some advice from a pirate, ye LAN-lubbers. Now listen carefully to what old Captain J. has to say before I have to keelhaul the whole lot of you.

Jason H. from Austin, Texas writes:
I've been hearing a lot about how a lot of Californians are leaving California. It's only a matter of time before they could damage their status as the state with the most electoral votes and I'm sure that a "brain drain" has already occurred. Is it possible that in the not-so-far-off future that the Californians might build a wall around their state in order to keep what brains, jobs and money they have left from leaving, much like the Communists in East Berlin did? It is a liberal utopia, after all? Thanks

Arrr! I say keep them all in California. We don't want their kind befouling our fair ports. Barricade the whole state, and keeps ship patrolling it's coastline, boarding and cutting the throats of anyone who dares try to leave. Just be careful of that Captain Schwarzenegger; he hails from lands far way and could be quite tough. Stories say a musket ball would bounce right off his hide.

Cat Malingowski from York, PA asks:
If nothing sticks to Teflon, how does it stick to the pan?

Sound like witchcraft to me. I find anyone with one of these "Teflon" cooking utensils, I would be fearful of what other sorcery he or she may be capable of. A sturdy cutlass may not be enough to keep you safe from ones such as these. Burn them at the stake, I say; and do it on land, far from me ship.

MonkeyPants the Imperial Falconer writes
A variation on the "Worst figures of the 20th Century":
You have a gun and a time machine. Who in history would you go back and erase?

Yarrr! That's an easy one. I would train my musket on whomever invented those damn plastic packaging where you have two solid pieces of hard, clear plastic sealed together, often used for lots of electronics equipment and memory cards. Ye know what I'm talking about? You try to find some edge to pull the halves apart, but usually I end up having to jaggedly cut out the hidden booty with me cutlass. Instead of burying treasure, I could just put it in one of these packaging and it keep it safe for all eternity. Arrr!

* * * *

Please keep the booty coming, e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, you'll be swimming with the sharks!

Rating: 3.0/5 (22 votes cast)

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September 16, 2003
Frank Answers: Punching Frenchmen, Liberals Controlling the Weather, and Pinko Pups
Posted by Frank J. at 01:09 PM

Jake D from Sunny Melbourne asks:
If you punch a Frenchman in the face and no-one is looking, shouldn't you do it again?

Of course! Keep punching until someone protests. Then punch that person. Keep ice handy.

RMH from Jacksonville, FL writes:
As you may know, there is a huge hurricane headed straight for the North Carolina/Virginia area. I am also sure that you are well aware that there are two major military bases in the vicinity. My question is: Do you think this is just an uncontrollable act of mother nature or is it perhaps an evil creation of the vast left-wing conspiracy in their attempts to harm our mighty military without being obvious about it and without having to take the blame for it?

If the liberals have gained the ability to control weather, that is cause for concern, but I think that the weapons of the left are still mainly whining and B.O. Mother Nature has always been a capricious bitch, and it's up to us right-wingers to one day settle her and make her do our bidding. The environment is ours to control. It is our right.

As for our military men and women stuck on those bases, as a civilian I would just like to say: Stop being such a bunch of whiners. If you can't handle hundreds of miles an hour winds, how you gonna kill for'ners? MY tax money DEMANDS you to be tough.

DES from Warren, MA writes:
I have a Siberian Husky. She's not very well behaved. Do you think she might be a Communist?

Raising dogs can always be tough for outdated encryption algorithms, especially if you suspect your dog to be a Communist. Don't worry too much, though, as dogs are very American animals and rarely ever are Communists. There are signs to check for, just in case:

Does she seem perturbed that others who go out and work all day make more money than she does sitting around all day and licking herself?

When offered a bandana to wear, will she only put on a red one?

Will she bark up a storm unless you turn on NPR?

If you seriously suspect your dog to be a Communist, you'll probably have to pay good money for an obedience school. When she learns that being a good dog equals yummy treats, she'll shed her Communist ways like her winter coat... but without all the brushing.

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

Rating: 2.3/5 (24 votes cast)

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September 15, 2003
Frank Answers: Socialists, Monkey Fist, Do Dogs Know of the Puppy Blender, and Ramming Communists
Posted by Frank J. at 01:50 PM

Tim H from Viera, FL writes:
I'm pretty sure we can establish that you hate commies. What are your thoughts on socialists?

Basically socialists are watered down Commies who are in risk of becoming full-fledged Commies. I wouldn't necessarily say to kill all socialists, though. Instead, a good beating may suffice.


SOCIALIST: The government should have more control over business.

YOU: No. (punch punch punch)

SOCIALIST: I now see the error of my ways.

A good beating could prevent a socialist from becoming a Commie. Remember: Only YOU can prevent forest fires Communists.

JFH in Charleston, South Carolina writes:
Was looking at the bag containing a McDonald's "Happy Meal" that my wife had bought my 4 year-old and noticed that one of Kim Possible's enemies was a guy named Monkey Fist. (see this link for a description). Not only does this guy love monkeys, but he has an army of ninja monkeys to do his evil bidding! Worse yet, he's the one villain that my son thinks is "cool" (I blame the influence of "Power Rangers - Ninja Storm" on his fascination of ninjas). The question is: Should I be worried that my son could grow up to love monkeys and ninjas, or is this just a phase he's going through?

First off, I have to praise you on being a good father and keeping watch on what is influencing your child. Now, I, not being "hip" or "with it", have never heard of "Kim Possible". At least this monkey ninja character is a villain, so perhaps the show is teaching good moral values. Your child should not think this villain is "cool", though. Instead, he should revile him. Perhaps you should have a frank talk with your son explaining to him that monkeys and ninjas are always bad. While you're at it, tell him not to do drugs, thus killing two birds with one stone. Also, you may want to burn down the local McDonalds to further drive home your point. Don't worry; there should be another one less than five blocks away.

Oh, and, as with all my parenting advice, you should not do as I say under any circumstances. To me, kids are just fun targets to confuse the hell out of.

Alexandra from Fort Worth, TX writes:
I have a 3 month old German shepherd puppy. On Friday night, when I was busy in the kitchen, the puppy started chewing the leg of the kitchen table. She wouldn't stop chewing the table leg when I told her not to chew it, so I threatened her by saying "if you don't stop that right now, I'll give you to the puppy-blender!" My puppy was instantly so contrite, that I felt bad. Now I have two questions: (1) was I wrong to have threatened her with the puppy-blender in order to get her to obey me?; and (2) How did she know about the puppy-blender? I find this latter question especially baffling. To the best of my knowledge, she doesn't surf the internet during the day while I'm at work, and she came from a very reputable kennel south of Dallas, where I doubt such ugly matters as puppy-blending are discussed. Her instant compliance after I made the puppy-blender threat, however, demonstrated that she knew exactly who the puppy-blender is. I am very troubled by this. Please share your wisdom.

German Shepherds are my favorite dogs, as they are quite smart. As for your questions:

(1) I would say you are wrong to use such a threat. First of all, it's a bluff (I assume you love your dog to much to actually give her to the Puppy Blender). Second, it's so powerful a threat, it could actually traumatize your puppy, affecting her later in life.

(2) Dogs have a special ability to sense evil, thus they are all acutely aware of the Puppy Blender though never having actually heard of him. Dogs barking uncontrollably is always a sign that White Glenn - or a Terminator - is near.

Megan from Cleveland, OH writes:
While driving yesterday I spotted someone driving a Toyota Celica with the license plate, 6 Mao. This led me to believe that they had someone fit six communists in the car. I thought that my best plan of action was to speed up and hit the car while going as fast as possible. My question to you is, do communists have car insurance?

If I understand your plan, you would ram the car and then fix yours with an insurance claim, since the crash would be entirely the other party�s fault (as any American insurance company would agree) since he had a license plate of "6 Mao". The only problem, as you figured, is that a Communist may not have car insurance.

Remember that there are two types of Communists commonly encountered in America: idiotic college professors and hippies. Idiotic college professors, despite the supposed justness of our capitalistic economy, actually make enough money to live on and probably have car insurance. Hippies, on the other hand, are treated much more fairly by our economy and probably don't have enough money for car insurance. While you may be able to tell hippy from college professor by the car he or she drives, I think the best option is to lean out your window and shoot at the car. Sure, you won't get compensated for your ammo, but what's the cost of a few bullets in the grand scheme of things? Shooting while driving is almost as distracting as talking on a cell phone while driving, though, so be careful.

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

Rating: 2.1/5 (21 votes cast)

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September 05, 2003
Frank Answers: Ninja Monkeys, Cleveland, Little Frank J., Samurai Jack, and Bazooka Joe, and When Is It Appropriate to Kill Hippies (Like You Don't Know the Answer to that One)
Posted by Frank J. at 05:34 PM

In my last Frank Answers™, I mentioned that French soap is suspicious and should be avoided. A reader, J, had this take, though:

You do realize that is must be an effective soap, which is why the French export it.

They have no need for effective soap, or for that matter effective water, so they export both.

Now for some questions:

Jeff writes:
Seriously, I had a dream last night that a tribe of ninja outcasts, deep in the heart of Africa, trained generations of big smart monkeys to be Ninjas! And taught them how to swim too! It was horrible, the monkeys took over Africa in days. After training all the other monkeys in Africa to be ninjas, they started to attack by ninja swimming out to boats going by the coastline and then sneak aboard and take over control of the boat. Soon thousands of ninja monkeys were in position to attack the worlds centers of power at the same time. Then I woke up screaming, drenched in sweat, I had to know how it ended. I knew you of all people would know the answer, Could this really happen Frank?

Yes, such a thing could happen, and almost did back during the 60's. Thanks to the distraction of smelly hippies, we nearly missed this ninja monkey threat. Luckily, the threat was noticed by the Coast Guard who keeps a number of samurai in employment for such incidents. Off our own coasts, the ninja monkeys were subdued with much swordplay, and, to this day, they vow revenge. If you are ever on the open seas, be careful to make sure any boats you see aren't being manned by monkeys... or pirates. Also, if you are a wandering ronin, the Coast Guard is looking for new recruits.

Jason H. from Austin, Texas asks:
Frank, what is the reason for the existence of Cleveland?

Well, Cleveland rocks. Also, I believe its existence prevents some erosion in the area.

Pam from a small, quaint little town in California where the fruits and nuts can grow healthy and strong and even grow up to be governor someday writes:
Just read In My World: It's All About the Jesus, and it prompted this question: What were you like as a child?

I've been told I was whiny, but my parents are damn liars.

DarthVOB writes:
My favorite show is Samurai Jack. I can't help but notice the parallels between Samurai Jack and you. Is Samurai Jack loosely based on your life?

Though many of the similarities are striking, notice the character is named "Jack" and not "Frank". If it were called "Samurai Frank", then I would say it was exactly like me, but, as it is, I can't see people calling me Jack.

Joey asks:
What happened to Bazooka Joe's eye?

He asked too many questions, Joey. Too many questions, and that's all I have to say.

Bitter Bitch from Hell (aka New England) writes:
I have a question for you to answer. I have to drive 75 miles to work everyday. I hate it. It means I have to get up at 5:30 AM and sit in traffic for a couple of hours before I repeat the sitting at the end of the day only to end up at home at 7:30 PM. It's all because I have to stay with a friend while my apartment is renovated. My question is: Does this commuting frustration make a good excuse for killing either annoying hippies or my apartment complex manager for not letting me move into the damn place yet? I'd prefer to kill the annoying hippies, but any target for my rage will do for now.

P.S. Oh wait, blonde moment, I forgot that I had another question. The annoying hippies are getting between me and my guns. They are also getting between me and any swords. What can I use to kill them and/or my apartment complex manager since these precious resources have been taken from my beautifully manicured hands?

Killing your apartment manager would be murder, so I'd just kill the hippies; no excuses are really needed. Strangling is always a good, weaponless method. You may want to wear gloves for sanitation purposes, though.

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

Rating: 2.3/5 (24 votes cast)

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August 25, 2003
Frank Answers: Insulting Rachel, French Soap, and White Glenn and His Monkey Affiliations
Posted by Frank J. at 12:57 PM

What? Could it be? Yes it is! It's Frank Answers™!

Jimbo who is hiding under a bed at an undisclosed location in California writes:
I accidentally slammed Rachel Lucas in the comment section of another blog. I recognized my mistake immediately (because I confused her with another female blogger with the same hair color). I immediately went back and corrected myself, but I am afraid that Rachel Lucas may have seen my original post but not read my later correction, and is now scouring Southern California with a large amount of firepower looking to end my life in a hideously gruesome manner. I think she would do it like the terminator in the first movie, when Arnold was killing everybody named Sarah Conner because he did not know who the “real one” was. As much as I would like to end the senseless slaughter of those sharing my name, I am really concerned about my own safety. Like the terminator was explained in the first movie: she cannot be bargained with, she can’t be dealt with, and will not stop until I am dead. That part bothers me a little, well, actually a lot. Is there anyway you can get word to her before she exterminates me and possibly my family in a ceaseless quest for blood? Tell her I will like buy a cup from her or something.

How do you accidentally slam Rachel Lucas? Were you drunk? That's like accidentally teasing the angry rottweiler who roams free on the streets. I would e-mail her post haste, apologize profusely, and buy all of her mugs left in stock. We're not talking about making fun of king dork White Glenn; Rachel will find you and she will hurt you. She get's hate mail every so often, but never more than once from the same person, if you know what I mean.

Mackynzie from Birmingham, AL
Recently, a guest of mine gave me a box of French soaps as a "housewarming gift." Obviously I was very disturbed by this. Everyone knows that the French, much like hippies, are deathly allergic to any type of cleansing product, and they may very well melt at the sight of soap. What is the explanation for the existence of such an oxymoronic product, and what are the proper means of disposing anything frog-affiliated?

French soap? Wow, that is a new one. Are you sure it's not just cheese that looks like soap? Whatever it is, I would not touch it. It is obviously some trick, possibly that of a terrorist. Treat it like a hazardous substance; get yourself some thick rubber gloves to handle it and place it in a sealed container. Then drive to Massachusetts and dump it somewhere there.

Edmund Burke from Dublin, Ireland writes:
I posted on Samizdata the perfectly reasonable question, what does the white Glenn think about monkeys (of any colour, including their bums) however we still do not know. What do you think?

Heh heh, you put a ‘u’ in “color”; that’s cute. Anyhoo, most people would ask this question as whether White Glenn would associate with monkeys, but I ask it as whether monkeys would associate with him. As vile as most monkeys are, they still can't stand to be around someone as puppy blending, Satan worshipping, and hobo-killer'n as the Enemy. Monkeys just want general havoc, while White Glenn wants more of a controlled evil. You'll probably only see him with the vilest of monkeys with oddest colored bums, such as the baboons.

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

Rating: 2.5/5 (25 votes cast)

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August 15, 2003
Frank Answers: Center of the Earth, Seti@Home, and Monkeys and What They Fling
Posted by Frank J. at 12:44 PM

Jennifer from the monkey house, Bronx Zoo asks:
If I were to dig a hole to the center of the Earth and put you in it, would you feel gravity?

I already have a fortress at the center of the Earth in which I float perfectly, absorbing the thoughts of all those throughout the world and plot against the enemies of me and the Alliance (and thus the allies of the Enemy). Watch yourself, Chief Smells Like a Monkey.

Robert from an Undisclosed Location, NY writes:
I recently installed the Seti@Home screensaver because I thought it looked kinda cool, and I liked the idea of helping to make contact with an alien species. (So we can go to war and steal all their oil of course) But I suddenly realized that the origin of this program is BERKLEY! Now, the question is should I accept this fact and continue running the screensaver, confident of the fact that the fools at Berkley are helping the US make contact with aliens and begin walking to the path to interstellar conquest, or should I delete the program, format my hard drive, and burn it so as to avoid the taint of the liberal hippy-monkeys who must have been involved in it's creation?

Good question. My initial fear is that the first beings the aliens encounter when contact is made would be these Berkleyites, and thus the aliens would be so disgusted that they would surely declare war on us. Then again, I bet we could take those pansy-ass gray skins. Let the program run and bring it on, I say.

Aric, Arlington, VA
Why do monkeys like to fling poo?

Because they are disgusting, vile creatures who luckily don't have access to grenades. Let's keep it that way.

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

Rating: 2.7/5 (25 votes cast)

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August 12, 2003
SallyVee Answers: Gun Signs
Frank Answers: Monkey Shortage and Nuclear Power
Posted by Frank J. at 12:38 PM

SallyVee Answers

Mitchell G., MD from Saint Cloud, Minnesota writes:
As you may or may not know, Minnesota recently passed a concealed carry law. All law-abiding citizens are issued permits now. But...
I hope you can help me. I'm a physician in a group practice, and a couple of my partners and our administrators are pushing having one of those "Guns not welcome" signs in the window of our office. I know all the arguments against them, and have expressed them, but I'm getting nowhere, and it's making me sick. I sense that my partners are going to outvote me and a few like-minded friends. So I sold out, figuring that half a loaf was better than none: I proposed coming up with wording that would express the desire that guns not be allowed, and yet with a disclaimer. I prefer the one at www.gunfreezones.com but I don't think they'll go for it!
I am thinking of something along the lines of this, but more succinct and well-put that I have been able to come up with yet: "Although we respect the 2nd amendment, please leave your firearm in your car." Have you ever heard of a sign expressing the same sentiments? Any ideas?

Mitch: This is ludicrous, which should become evident to even the dumbest of dumbasses as you try to write the stupid sign. How are you going to enforce the request, btw? You gonna have the nurses pat everyone down--could get interesting and may help with client retention.
That said, how 'bout this for your sign: THANK YOU FOR NOT SHOOTING

Frank Answers

Jonag from Chandler, Arizona writes:
I just read in the paper that there is now a shortage of lab monkeys to use for experiments. Why do you think that is? Did you have anything to do with it?

I've had nothing to do with at no one has presented any evidence otherwise. I would say, though, that a sudden dissapearance of monkeys is cause for concern. Most likely that means they are doing their final plotting for a strike against us. Make sure to stock up on shotgun shells and anti-monkey spray.

Curtis from the backwoods asks:
Why do we have to go steal oil? Why not just power everything with nuclear reactions?

Yeah, power everything with nuclear reactions; that’s a great idea! Then, when we have a car wreck, it will take out half the state. Plus, when everyone slows down to look at the wreck, they'll get radiated (you have to at least be going 65mph to outrun radiation).

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

Rating: 2.4/5 (25 votes cast)

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August 08, 2003
Frank Answers: Where Have All the Flowers Dead Birds Gone, Cows and Their Nemesis the Vegetarian, and the Curse of the Keypad
Posted by Frank J. at 06:43 PM

M & R Homiller from Hell's Kitchen, NY asks:
Where are all the dead birds?

Obviously you've never cleaned out a rain gutter.

Jason H. from the furthest planet from the sun writes:
Frank, in regards to vegetarians, what do you suppose they would have the rest of us do with cows if we all suddenly turned into goofy vegetarians? I mean, what other reason would a cow be on the Earth if we weren't supposed to make burgers and gloves out of them? I hope you can shed some light on this situation. Thanks.

The vegetarians’ plan is to slaughter all cows in a merciless frenzy of blood and mayhem. A cow will always stand as the symbol of meat eating, and, for that, vegetarians hate them with every fiber of their soul. I don't even like to think of the horrible things they'll do to the poor cows if they have their way. The horror... the horror...

Don A. from Hicksville writes:
No one else seems to know the answer to this, so I'm going to THE definitive
source: Why are the keypads for calculators and telephones reversed? I don't know whether to blame the French or the monkeys. uh...is there a difference?

First of all, yes, there is a difference between the French and monkeys. One is a putrid, subhuman creature that has no knowledge of right and wrong and the other has a tail.

As for about the order of numbers question, I didn't know the answer offhand so I went to the local siencetorium in search of answers. When I entered, I said, "Hello, scientists!"

And they said, "Hello, Frank J. What science questions can we help you with today?"

"Why is the number order on a calculator different than that of a telephone?"

Their faces all went pale. "Begone!" shouted one, "You asks question of which the answers are best left unknown!"

"You're a bunch of dinguses," I said as I left the sciencetorium.

Well, quite obvious from their reaction, this all had to do with some demonic curse involving Alexander Graham Bell. So, I went to my local Alexander Graham Bell grave and dug up his body. When I opened the casket, there was a skeleton in there just like one would expect. Seemed to be a dead end, so I just stole one of his fingers to later auction on E-bay and went home.

The next step, of course, was to build a telephone with the numbers in the same order as a calculator keypad. So I bought a cheap phone from Wal-Mart, broke it apart, rewired it and placed the keys in the same order of the calculator keypad (I also swapped the * and the 0 since the 0 is usually on the lower left hand corner of a calculator). I plugged in the phone and picked up the reciever. There was a dial tone and nothing evil. So I thought I might as well dial up the sciencetorium and tell them they're a bunch of dinguses again.

As I dialed, suddenly the world around me went dark. From behind me came a sinister laugh.

Learning from previous experiments, I had a shotgun handy. I grabbed it and spun around. "Alexander Graham Bell, I presume."

"Wrong!" answered the spectral figure, "It is I, Elisha Gray, whom Bell stole the idea of teleor from. In vengeance, I invented telemarketing, to forever plague those who had a phone. But that was not enough. When I died, I sent my evil spirit to constantly dial people in the middle of the night and then breathe heavily into the phone. But, they rearranged the keypad on the phone to confuse my spirit and stop my curse. But now you have awakened me. Bwa ha ha ha!"

"You die good now!" I yelled, and fired at him with my shotgun.

"Ha! Your mortal weapon is no match for my spectral powers. Bwa ha ha ha!"

"Wait here," I told the evil spirit as I ran to my guest room. From out of the closet I got my vacuum and plugged it in. I then used the hose extension to suck up Elisha Gray.

"Nooooo!' he shouted as I sucked him up good.

I then figured I better dispose of that vacuum bag quickly, but it wasn't full yet and they're kinda a pain to replace. So I guess I'll get rid of Gray after the next time I vacuum, i.e., in a couple months.

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

Rating: 2.6/5 (21 votes cast)

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August 06, 2003
Frank Answers: Arch de Triumph, Justice League vs. Arab League, and Shooting Lasers at the Speed of Light
Posted by Frank J. at 12:47 PM

I've been too busy for Frank Answers™ lately, but that should change later. So keep those questions coming.

Shawn F. from Louisville, Kentucky writes:
Watching Lance Armstrong stand atop the podium in Paris with the Arch de Triumph in the background and hearing the U.S. National Anthem was absolutely precious. (I hope it really bothered the EMB in the crowd.) But, while I was watching that I couldn't help wonder - who built the Arch de Triumph? I mean, I know it's in Paris and all, but surely the French didn't put it there?

I assume it was built by one of the many nations that "triumphed" in conquering France, and then eventually got bored and left. The French probably haven't knocked it down because they are scared of it.

Adam Pappas from Newark, NJ asks:
Who would win in a fight between the Justice League and the Arab
League? Does Aquaman have any chance against Amr Moussa if the fight
takes place in a desert?

Justice League would so kick the Arab League's ass. Superman would personally punch many of them into the sun. Batman when hit them with his batarang and then kick them good. Unfortunately, Aquaman would get whupped by Amr Moussa, but the Flash would quickly run by, grab Aquaman, and then run to the Alps where they could go skiing while the rest of the Justice League takes care of business.

Asha'man from the Chicagoland area writes:
I have a question that has been bothering me for some time. I have watched various SciFi series & movies in hopes of finding an answer; but so far have been unsuccessful so I am hoping you can help! The way I see it, soon the United States will become all-powerful and will master intergalactic space flight. By that time, we should be finished with conquering nations here on earth and we will already own all the oil on this planet.
I want to be able to use these space-craft to seek out new life and new civilizations, boldly going where no man has gone before...for the sole purpose of conquering and stealing oil, that is.
My problem is that I imagine that AS ALWAYS they are going to put up a fuss,
so I need to know if I will be able to fire upon them from my spacecraft while traveling at light speed, or will I need to slow down first? I really like the idea of cruising in faster than light and really letting them have it, but I am afraid that since a laser is light, and I am traveling FASTER than light......I might shoot myself, or worse yet, shoot backwards at my home planet of America!
Can you help me?

Well, this question has to do with the theory of relativity, which states: "Stuff is relative to other stuff." So, whether firing a laser while going the speed of light will work is relative to everything else. Are you angry when you fire it? What day of the week is it? What color is your spacecraft? Are you a Beatles fan? If your answer to any of these questions was something, then the answer to your query is maybe.

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

Rating: 2.2/5 (22 votes cast)

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July 31, 2003
Frank Answers: Britney Spears vs. a Black Howler Monkey, Magnetic North, Coca-Cola vs. Pepsi, and Lady Hunt'n
Posted by Frank J. at 12:24 PM

annika from Los Angeles writes:
I recently had the misfortune of sitting through most of the Britney Spears movie Crossroads, and about halfway through it i began to feel an intense and disturbing urge to vacate my bowels involuntarily. The last time i felt such an overwhelming urge was at the Black Howler Monkey exhibit of the San Francisco Zoo. Naturally i'm wondering if there's any connection, and if so, which is more dangerous to our freedom as God Loving Americans: the continued existence of Britney Spears or the continued existence of the Black Howler Monkey?

All I know about Britney Spears is that she seems to be the head of the trend for eleven-year-old girls to dress up like hos. For that, I think the parents are the ones in need of a smacking. I would be much more fearful of the sinister black howler monkey. His evil howl can be heard for miles, and will serve as an alarm to the other monkeys when we finally begin out strike against them.

If you still have bowel problems, consult a doctor.

Analog Kid from the Land of a Million Hippies writes:
I have a 2-part question.
1. Why is true different from magnetic north?
2. Is this a commie plot, a ninja plot or a plot from the monkeys?

1. Magnetic north is different from true north because it involves magnets.
2. My gut tells me it's a Commie plot. They tried to try to control the weather, so why not also fool around with magnetic north. I bet they keep moving the magnets just to confuse us. We need to post some guard at the North Pole to guard those magnets and shoot any Commies who might try and move them. They can also answer kids' letters to Santa Claus.

Tim E. from Xenia, Ohio asks:
Coca-Cola or Pepsi?
(real non-commie America-loving, gun-totin' half-Irishmen say Coca-Cola)

I agree; Coca-Cola all the way for this real non-commie, America-loving, gun-totin' half-Irishman. Pepsi is too sweet for me; I prefer the dryer taste of Coca-Cola. I usually go for bitter over sweet. That's why I drink my coffee black and why I likes me Guinness.

John from Flagstaff, AZ asks:
Hey, Frank, How's the hunt for the right lady goin'?

So far no luck. I guess I'll just have to get used to the fact that I'll die sad and lonely... or in a hail of gunfire.

Mmm... hail of gunfire.

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

Rating: 1.9/5 (20 votes cast)

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July 28, 2003
Frank Answers: Penumbras and Their Practicability, .50 AE vs. 12-guage, 0% APR, Bond Girls, Helping New Readers, and To Patronize
Posted by Frank J. at 01:03 PM

Yay! Frank Answers™ is back!

LC Victor from The First Circle of Hell asks:
What's a "Penumbra?" Is there ever a time when one is "Practical?"

Penumbra is what Bob Hope just died from. I guess it's practical if you hate Bob Hope (which only a dirty Commie would).

Tim E. from Xenia, OH asks:
A 12-gauge Remington shotgun or a .50 caliber Desert Eagle handgun -
which would be better for killing commies, hippies, and foreigners in

Sure, the Desert Eagle is cool, but it's just not practical enough (certainly not as practical as a penumbra). Do you know how much that .50 AE ammo costs? A 12-gauge shotgun has been around forever, though, and has been proven reliable against home invaders, zombies, and aliens. If you need to send something to hell, a shotgun is the most tried and true transportation available.

Ed Hawley from Milpitas, CA asks:
If car companies are advertising "0% APR", is this compounded daily or quarterly?

Neither; it's compounded continuously. Here is the equation. It involves e. Everyone loves e.

Nick Packwood from London, England writes:
You are obviously a super-spy of some kind. Who is your favorite Bond Girl?
I liked the blond one from the most recent Bond movie, Die Another Day. She was great right up until the part she got all dead. Then she lost her appeal.

Sean from Sydney, Australia writes:
Have you thought about making a character's page for your In My World™ posts? While I know you're basing the characters on real world political figures, you've ended up adding in a lot of character points that are entirely your own, such as Condoleezza Rice being an evil supervillainess, President Bush's penchant for prank calling Democrats, the Fox News Reporter, Buck the Marine, and Chomps. Do you think it might be helpful for newcomers to the site if there were a characters page?

Yes, it would be helpful for newcomers.

That was an easy question.

CPT Brook A. Nelson from somewhere (most likely) asks:
When you ask readers to "Please patronize our sponsors", are you referring to the first dictionary definition which is 1) to be a customer of or do you mean 2) to treat condescendingly, haughtily, or coolly?

I mean the first one. The phrase comes from the back of the church bulletin from the church I went to when growing up, and I always like it. So, if you ever plan on buying something from Amazon.com, just go through one of my links to get your stuff so I get money. No cost to you, and it makes me happy. And, when I'm happy, I'm funnier.

Remember this equation: Money = Happy = Funny

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

Rating: 2.1/5 (25 votes cast)

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July 23, 2003
Frank Answers: Help for a Libertarian, Laughing at Death, and the Year of the Monkey
Posted by Frank J. at 01:04 PM

Bryan Smith from Somewhere East of Hell, Virginia writes:
The quiz at http://www.theadvocates.org/quiz.html identified me as a
"Libertarian" even though I've always thought of myself as a republican. Do
you know of any support groups that may be able to help me out?

Sorry, I don't know of any support groups, but I can give you some advice to help out. Take two positions that seem contradictory - like saying you hate the nanny state which prevent people from buying cigarettes and guns but want marijuana to be illegal because you hate hippies - and, when someone calls you on being inconsistent, reply, "I don't give a rat's ass." Don't fall for that false god of consistency, or there may be no help for you and you'll find yourself supporting canidates who don't have a snowball's chance in hell of getting elected and are blue in color.

Diane from Basara, Iraq writes:
Please help, as I'm not sure if I should seek counseling. After watching the
confirmation that Saddam's spawn were both dead, I didn't turn off the
television. I left it on so I could hear over and over and over again that
we had killed them and laugh almost hysterically each time. Is there
something wrong with me?

No, reacting to the deaths of these two (as Buck would say) extra foreign people is perfectly natural. Me, I did a happy dance upon hearing the news. Who needs help are the few people who hate God, man, and America, and gnash their teeth at good news about the war. Give them two whacks with a Cluebat™ and call me in the morning.

Steve the Marine in Hawaii asks:
What is your stance on people born on the year of the monkey? Inherently evil, is there any hope?

I don't believe in those silly superstitions, but, to be on the safe side, I would watch any person born in the year of monkey with deep suspicion. Whenever they near, keep your hand near your gun and your eyes on them at all times. And, try to delay pregnancies to make sure a child is not born in such a year. That may be harsh for a pregnant woman, but I don't care because I'm a man.

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

Rating: 2.2/5 (26 votes cast)

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July 22, 2003
Jennifer Answers: Plastic Explosives and He-Man
Frank Answers: The Breast Way to Get Ahead
Posted by Frank J. at 12:12 PM

Jennifer said that she loved Frank Answers™ and was wondering if a guest blogger could fill in while I'm busy. Be careful what you wish for. Maybe I'll have some other guess bloggers help me out later.

Jennifer Answers

Red Mist, Certified Flight Instructor, Computer Support, Airsoft/Firearms Enthsiast, from Grand Forks, ND writes:
Why is C4 called "plastic explosives"? Or is it pronounced "pla-steek"? Doh,
that sounds like a French word. I mean, in the movies (haha) it always looks
like a silly puddy-like substance that can be molded into different shapes.
Plastic isn't squishy like that! Why not call it "puddy explosives"?

Luckily, ordnance is my true area of expertise. First of all, you don't
need to worry about C4 being some Frenchy firecracker...it is mostly made in
the good ol' U.S. of A. Therefore it goes without saying that it is an
extremely powerful explosive. Another benefit is its remarkable stability,
so you don't need to concern yourself that it will go off at an inopportune
moment. C4 is primarily a military explosive, requires a detonator, and has
a soft, dough-like texture. Best of all, a little bit will go a long
way--your wallet will like that!

But hey, you didn't ask for a sales pitch here. You want to know why it's
called "plastic" rather than "puddy" explosives. I assume you mean "putty,"
which will make my answer easier. Basically, you can blame Ralph Nader for
the whole thing. Back in the 60s there was concern that labeling explosives
with the word "putty" would confuse children. There they'd be at
Woolworth's thinking a box of putty explosives was a whole ton of Silly
Putty fun. The next thing you know, there are kid-bits all over the place.
I call it "thinning the herd," but Mr. Nader called it "dangerous." So he
got on his consumer-protection high horse and raised a stink. Lawmakers
agreed, and we needed a nice, generic, not-fun word to use. "Plastic" it

hlh from Detroit, Delaware asks:
Why is it "He-Man and the Masters of the Universe"? Who are the Masters of the Universe, and why is He-Man excluded from sharing the umbrella of their title?

I never watched He-Man. It was the 80s and I had better things to do...like
watch MTV and tease my hair until it was a foot high. My brother was
Skeletor for Halloween one year, though, so I picked up a little bit.

I think you could say the Masters of the Universe were kind of He-Man's
Cabinet. They included his sidekicks, allies, and girlfriend. To help you
understand this analogy, I will list some of the characters and their human

He-Man (He-Man) = President Bush
Teela (He-Man's girlfriend) = Laura Bush
She-Ra (He-Man's kick-ass sister)= Condi Rice
Orko (He-Man's goofy sidekick) = Dick Cheney
Battle Cat (He-Man's tiger, duh) = Donald Rumsfeld
Skeletor (He-Man's nemesis) = Helen Thomas

I hope that was helpful. Like I said, I never watched that show.

Frank Answers

Susie from East Orange, Moldavia asks:
If I send you a picture of my breasts, can I skip the "short essay" part of the

I'd have to see the picture first (and it should be tastefully done) before I can answer that. But won't you feel you've lost something by skipping the mental challenge of the Frank short answer question? You could always try both, anyway :)

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

Rating: 2.3/5 (19 votes cast)

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July 20, 2003
Frank Answers: Better Gas Mileage, Foreigner, Michael Moore's Physical Limit, NAACP Apology, and Hippies Plus Monkeys Equals the Destruction of Mankind
Posted by Frank J. at 05:15 PM

Susie from Joisey asks:
Is it true that you get better mileage when your gas tank is more than half
full, and worse mileage when it's less than half full?

Yes, and there's an extremely simple, scientific explanation for that. Cars are always in constant fear of being discarded to a junkyard, but, when their tanks are full, they are happy and thus drive well. As their tanks reach closer to empty, they get more fearful that this tank of gas will be their last and thus become depressed and drive more poorly.

Renna from Funkytown, U.S.A. writes:
I have tickets to see the rock group Foreigner at a community event next Friday night. I'm concerned that Buck the Marine might show up and try to kill them. How will I know him if I see him and is there anything I can say to dissuade him from killing them?

No, nothing can dissuade Buck from killing; he is a Marine after all. If Foreigner didn't want a kill'n, they should have named themselves "Happy Americans" or "Not a Foreigner".

Tim E. from Xenia, Ohio asks:
Will Michael Moore keep getting fatter, or will eventually he reach a
physical limit and explode?

As Einstein explained, eventually Michael Moore will become so fat that he will not explode, but instead implode, collapsing down upon himself into a black hole, possibly sucking into him any nearby city. I think he's about two burritos and a Big Mac away from that point.

Jason H. from the 3rd Rock from the Sun, Texas sector writes:
Frank, if you were running for president and you happened to miss a
NAACP convention, how many times would you apologize and what would you
say? By the way, Jesse Jackson REALLY wanted you to be there.

Oh, I'd apologize over and over to that racist, uber-partisan group. First, I'd kick down the door to their convention.

"Oops! Sorry!"

Then I'd slam Jesse Jackson's head into the podium.

"Sorry! I'm so clumsy!"

When that Queasy, Fumey guy starts mouthing off, I'd punch him in the gut.

"Sorry! Didn't see you!"

Then I'd tackle Jesse Jackson before he could get away.

"Whoops! Sorry I fell down on you with such momentum."

Hell, I'd apologize until I would go hoarse from it.

Jose from Atlantis writes:
If you have seen 28 Days Later you know that all the trouble is caused by
hippies and monkeys, so my question is: Could hippies and monkeys combining
forces really result in the annihilation of the human race?

I haven't seen 28 days, but I've always been against both hippies and monkeys. Both are filthy, smelly, mindless creatures that should be locked in cages. As for annihilating the human race, I think hippies lack the ambition and intellect for that, but I wouldn't put is past the monkeys.

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

Rating: 2.7/5 (22 votes cast)

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July 17, 2003
Frank Answers: Ethnic Slurs, Burning Hippies, and Cursed Pirates Versus Ninjas
Posted by Frank J. at 12:09 PM

Rich from North Grafton, Massachusetts asks:
If I were to get an Irishman to wear a Nuke the Moon t-shirt, would it
stop him from being a lying bastard?

Hey, no ethnic slurs! I'm half-Irish, and I take great offense at that. You'll be in big trouble if I remember this insult after I sober up.

Harley W. Daugherty from LaGrange, Missouri asks:
Why is it illegal here in Missouri to burn hippies? What would happen if I set one on fire and what charges would I face?

It's illegal for the same reasons it's illegal to burn leaves without a permit; setting fire to a hippy if not done properly could be a hazard. You'd be charged with endangering non-hippies and their property, and face a hefty fine that could go into the hundreds of dollars.

Jimbo from Simi Valley, CA. writes:
I think animated and cursed pirate skeletons could kick ninja ass ANY day. I have just seen the “Pirates of The Caribbean” movie and it looks like the evil cursed skeleton pirates could kick ninja butt all day long and not even break a sweat. I know they don’t have any skin to sweat from, but that is not my point! Do you know where I can find some evil cursed pirate skeletons that know sword play? I bet a crew of them watching my house would sure keep the neighbor kids off my lawn! Do you think that we could set up a death match between ninjas and the feared but cursed pirates?

Slow down there a second. As we all know from the official source on ninjas, pirates are the archnemesis of the ninja and are really lame in comparison. Now, I didn't see this movie you speak of because I boycott Disney on account of their selling biological weapons to terrorist nations, but an undead pirate is still just a lame dead corpse, and ninjas could easily cut them up into a million pieces. If you had cursed pirates guarding your house, the ninjas would extra kill the pirates and then you and I would laugh at your foolishness. The only thing that can stop a ninja is the power of the samurai. Go buy the Book of Five Rings, and, if a ninja attacks you, try throwing it at him.

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

Rating: 3.3/5 (16 votes cast)

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July 14, 2003
Frank Answers: A Lamer Superhero than Aquaman, Floating, the Penny's Curse, and Horrible, Libelous, Slanderous, Claumny
Posted by Frank J. at 12:51 PM

Tim H from Melbourne, Florida asks:
We all know that Aquaman is a pussy, but who would win a fight between him and that hippy Captain Planet?

Okay, you win; you found a lamer superhero than Aquaman. I'll just say Aquaman better kick Captain Planet's ass or he'll be downgraded to janitor at the Justice League.

Tom from Great Falls, MT asks:
Why does air float?

That's because air is too small and moves around too fast for gravity to grab it. If you were able to get your car to drive fast enough, eventually you'd outrun gravity and the car would fly. The only problem is, the larger the object, the faster it has to go for gravity to lose track of it. In principle, though, a fast running midget should be able to fly.

Jennifer from Des Moines, Iowa asks:
Why does the penny have Abraham Lincoln facing the opposite direction than the other coins?

Well, I don't have any change on me, so I'll just have to take your word for it. You probably think there is some sinister explanation behind this, and you're right.

It actually has nothing to do with Lincoln. What�s the difference between the penny and other U.S. coins? It's color, as it has copper in it. In the days of old, when the ancient gods ruled the day, it was common for the rich and haughty to have reliefs made of their heads upon copper plates. This angered the ancient gods, and they placed curses upon any images in copper which faced the left, the "sinister" direction. Only bad luck would come from such things. Only facing the right could save one from the gods� wrath. Many stopped making copper reliefs entirely out of fear.

The tales of the ancient were soon forgotten, and, when the first pennies were made, Lincoln faced to the left. America was soon plagued with death and disease. Finally a scholar found the reason why and got the mint to correct their error. Still, if you find a penny lying on the ground face down, leave it be or risk death, for Lincoln faces left when a penny is flipped.

Actually, since pennies are 95% zinc now, I don't think it makes a difference.

This isn't really a question, it's more like horrible slander sent in by Bob Kingsbery from Frisco, Texas in response to a previous Frank Answers™:
The Army's Model 1911 .45 caliber automatic is one of the most inaccurate pistol ever made. You can't hit the side of a barn with it, from inside the barn! Which is why the army issued them to officers--it wanted its officers giving orders and assessing the situation instead of wasting time shooting at the enemy. The only thing a .45 is good for is shooting the mules, point blank, that are blocking your road, as Patton did in the movie. Only he used a .357 caliber ivory-handled revolver.

Just give me a second to recover from this horrible libel.


Okay, I've recovered. The 1911 is one of the marvel's of modern engineering. It is the handgun, IMHO. Now, I know some people have complained about the quality of government issue 1911's (I've even heard my father say they had accuracy problems), but I don't know anything about that (if some people with military experience could enlighten me on that, I'd appreciate it). All I know is that you don't have hundreds of versions of the 1911 because "you can't hit the side of a barn with it." Maybe that's a problem of your own accuracy, but my 1911 (a Colt 1991) shoots like a dream. And nothing beats that big 'ole slug for stopping power. Am I alone here, or does anyone else think this e-mail was either born of ignorance or a desire to troll?

Just don't say things like this to me when my 1911 is in reaching distance. It won�t be as forgiven as I am.

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

Rating: 2.4/5 (21 votes cast)

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July 11, 2003
Frank Answers: Coco the Gorilla, Looting the Dead, the Bright Light Reflex, Aquaman is a Gay Frenchman, and Jupiter's Red Spot
Posted by Frank J. at 12:02 PM

Coco “the signing” Gorilla asks:
Do you want a piece of me?

Hey, you don't intimidate me with your massive strength and your simple understanding of human language. You mess with me, and I'll kill your cat.

Ken Nevin from a shack somewhere in Montana asks:
Is taking guns and ammo from de-activated foreigners considered "looting" the dead according to the Geneva convention? What if your gun is broke or they just have a better one? Would it be OK to trade?

Well, I'm no legal expert - actually my only experience in the legal realm was once punching a lawyer - but I'm pretty sure that if you shoot and kill someone, then all their stuff is yours. Fore'ners usually have crappy AK-47's, though, so take them at your own risk.

Carridine from Funkytown, USA asks:
What is the "bright-light" reflex?

That's the reflex Gizmo from the Gremlins has that causes him to scream, "Bright light! Bright light!" when he sees a light. Heh heh; let's dunk him in water.

Brooks from Medical Lake, Washington writes:
I have been sharing your wonderful writings with some of my co-workers, which was just fine, but then one of told me that Aquaman was actually gay, which I don't personally have a problem with, and even worse, French! (which I DO have a problem with.) Is this true?

Sounds true. To be honest, I've never read an Aquaman comic or even remember seeing an episode of Super Friends. So, does Aquaman actually fight villains or anything, or does he just swim around talking to fish (oh, that's got to be some interesting conversations... not!).

George S. from Sixth Street, Austin, TX asks:
What is the Big Red Spot on Jupiter? It's not some marketing gimmick by an Earth-bound company, is it?

I thought it might be some big marketing ploy by 7-Up too, so I built a probe in my backyard and launched it towards Jupiter to find out. We'll just have to wait for it.



So, uh, how's that local sports team?



You know, I've started to have thoughts about... Oh! It's there. Let's see what data it reports back.

Hmm... there is in fact a spot that is big and red. Seems to be some storm... but there is a radio signal coming from it. Let's see...

Whoops, the probe just plunged right in there. I can still get some communication back. Wow, seems to be a voice on that radio signal:

"I am Zoloft, ancient demon who has been imprisoned in the red eternal storm of this giant planet. Your meddling has now freed me such that my wrath may once again go out about this universe. First, I will start with your pathetic planet, the one that is second orb from the sun. Muh ha ha ha!"

Heh heh, dumbass. He's going to attack Venus. Anyway, there is your answer. 7-Up imprisoned an ancient demon there as some marketing ploy.

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

Rating: 2.2/5 (23 votes cast)

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July 10, 2003
Crazy People, What My T-Shirt Can't Do, Wussy Firearms, and the Presence of All Colors
Posted by Frank J. at 12:49 PM

Jennifer from Des Moines, Iowa writes:
Why does your blogroll keep "moving?" It is in a different order every time I skim it in the ridiculous hope I would somehow be worthy of linkage already. Rachel Lucas at the top is the only one I am sure stays put.

My blogroll does not move, as is evidenced by that Rachel Lucas is always at top. You probably just forgot the position of other blogs on the list and thought they moved. If you keep thinking blogs are changing position on my blogroll, immediately check yourself in to the nearest psychiatric ward.

Wesley Harding Warsaw, Indiana writes:
So far the Nuke the Moon T-Shirt can deflect bullets, make you knowledgeable of all things, ward off ninga attacks, spontaneously combust all things French, and make someone who is fat, appear less so, while a skinny person would presumably become invisible. Or at least less dimensional by one. All that begs the question; Is there anything The Shirt can't do?

A Nuke the Moon t-shirt can not raise some one who has been dead for years (it only raises the recently dead), it can't turn a Granny Smith apple into gold, it can't destroy the sun, and it can't allow you to see through more than 8" of lead.

That's all I know it can't do so far.

Nate from Elmhurst, IL asks:
Why did the US military switch side arm from the amazingly cool Colt 1911 .45 Auto to the wussy Beretta 9mm? The Beretta is a good gun, don't get me wrong, its just that it uses small, crappy metric ammo...they could at least use the Beretta that fires .40, couldn't they?

I think the problem was that our military became too "kick ass", and some measures had to be taken to make wars more challenging thus to keep our troops’ interest. One such measure was a weaker sidearm that can barely kill a Commie at all, forcing one to instead use strangling or his or her KaBar. If I were in the military, I'd just bring my own .45, but that's just me. Someone might protest, but, then you'd have a .45 when they only had a 9mm, and who is going to win that argument?

Susie from Calcutta, Greenland writes:
I have heard that the color white is the presence of all colors, and the color
black is the absence of color...but when all my crayons melted into a big
puddle when I accidentally left them out in the sun, they were a sort of brownish
purple.....why is that?

Great question. The accepted belief that white is the presence of all colors was just racist propaganda made by the KKK. If it were true, then, if you wore a white shirt and got anything on it such as grape juice, then the shirt should become more white because your adding more color to it thus making it even whitier. But we all know it ain't true. White is the absence of color, which is why we draw on white pieces of paper and not black ones. The true color of all colors together is the brownish purple you saw, also known as "blurple". All hail blurple.

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

Rating: 2.6/5 (18 votes cast)

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July 08, 2003
Frank Answers: Gratuitous Linkage, Neocons, and T-Shirts That Scare the French
Posted by Frank J. at 12:43 PM

Dave from from asks:
Will you give me gratuitous linkage in return for a promise upon my honor of gratuitous linkage on 9 July? Or do I have to bribe you more directly, such as by buying a Nuke the Moon T-Shirt?

No, linking to me tomorrow is expected of all blogs and will win you no special favor. There is only punishment for those who don't comply. Buying a Nuke the Moon t-shirt and sending in a pic for the Peace Gallery does get you gratuitous linkage, though.

Johnny from Podunk, TN (Go to BFE, hang a left) writes:
I checked my "Funk and Wagnels" and could not find the word Neocon. I was curious because it sounds something like Comic-Con, or maybe has something to do with a past criminal record. I think I knew what it meant when I had my "Nuke the Moon" shirt on, but it's in the wash now. Could you clear the air for me?

The exact definition of Neocon (short for neo-conservative) is "dirty Jew". They are the ones who are tricking Bush into wars for the benefit of Israel. Jooooos!!!

Sean Riley from Sydney, Australia writes:
The Peace Gallery has done a brilliant job of highlighting the wonderful applications of the Nuke the Moon t-shirt. In particular, the power to get French people to surrender to me has appeal. It's always a nice ego boost. That said, are you absolutely certain that, well, any t-shirt wouldn't have the same effect? Have you done any studies on the matter?

To be honest, probably most shirts from ThoseShirts.com will cause the French to surrender, as will many variety of dogs, a few types some types of hats, and a German accent, but the Nuke the Moon shirt is especially good at it, it's aura of power even causing some French to drop dead in fear. In one study, someone was sent walking through Paris wear a Nuke the Moon t-shirt, and, for that day, spontaneous combustion of Frenchman increased by 1000%. Other, more inferior shirts, though, could actually attract French to you and make you think French or hippy thoughts, so you really have to be careful. If I were you, I would only wear the Nuke the Moon shirt to be on the safe side.

BTW, it also deflects bullets.

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

Rating: 2.3/5 (19 votes cast)

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July 07, 2003
Frank Answers: Dealing With Enemies of IMAO, Scrappleface, North Korea, and To Whittle
Posted by Frank J. at 12:44 PM

Jon from Richmond asks:
How will non-linking Blogs (Enemies of IMAO) be "destroyed" (Hint: Answer could potentially involve deportation to the moon, followed by aforementioned nuking)?

Revealing how I plan to destroy my victims would ruin a good amount of the fun, but, I assure you, a blacklist will be made of all blogs who slight me by not giving me a front page link to my blog on my blogiversary (this Wednesday), and punishment will be dealt. All those foolish enough to defy will forever know July 9th as the beginning of their end.

Some may think it's uncivilized of me to threaten people to link to me, but, hey, it's my blogiversary and I can threaten if I want to.

Bill from Waco, Texas asks:
Would you consider ScrappleFace an IMAO inhibitor?

Ha ha; very clever. Nothing can inhibit IMAO! Nothing! According to the Truth Laid Bear blogging ecosystem today, now 71 links separates me from Scrappleface. Soon, I will surpass him, and then he will be downgraded from "archnemesis" to "fellow blogger".

Jeff from Hell (a.k.a. Northern California) writes:
Riddle me this. Why aren't all the North Korean's dead yet? Is it because their poofy haired leader is really a space alien in disguise? Or is North Korea just over a soft spot in the earth's crust, thus creating an atmospheric protective bubble around it? Please explain.

You must understand diplomacy. When dealing with someone with poofy hair, the outcome can be quite unpredictable. This is why we are moving more gradually against North Korea. There time will come, though, when they will finally learn that the main flaw inherent in Communism: if you are Communist, America will eventually bomb the crap out of you.

Scott from Chicago, IL writes:
Why is it that my boss got mad when he told me to Whittle down my report, and I then proceeded to make it even longer? I just don't understand.

While in the blogosphere, Whittle is synonymous with huge beyond mortal comprehension, to most people whittle means to chip away at and reduce in size.

BTW, scientist estimate that, by the year 2006, the blogosphere will have increased by a factor of 20,000%, 99% of that increase simply being one of Bill Whittle's essays.

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

Rating: 2.1/5 (18 votes cast)

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July 02, 2003
Frank Answers: Apes/Monkeys, Blind Samurai Showdown, and Baby Names
Posted by Frank J. at 12:33 PM

From Poosh, the Lost King of China, writes:
What is a good web-site design tool that is easy to use and please could you point me in the direction of a decent "blog provider" type thing. Also, you say you hate monkeys but what of Apes? Apes are not the same as Monkeys I was told.

Most people start out on blogspot using, where people extremely patient will be able to eventually read what you write... on good days. I prefer MoveableType, but you will need to get your own URL and hosting service for that. What nice about MoveableType is that when you link to me you'll be able to send a Trackback to the post you linked. Then people will see all the trackbacks I have for that post and say, "Wow! Frank writes popular posts."

As more Monkey/Apes, they all are the same to me and just as evil. Don't even worry yourself with that divide. Just shoot to kill.

Hodadenon from Rensselaer, NY writes:
Saw your reference to Zaitoichi and blind Samurai below. I had just finished watching a Zaitoichi marathon on cable last week. Blind samurai rock! But who do you think was the better blind samurai, Zaitoichi or Rutger Hauer in "Blind Fury"?

Well, I only saw one Zaitoichi movie so far, but, then again, there is only one Blind Fury movie. Zaitochi seemed to be able to equal in sword combat many different seeing opponents, while Hauer only fought one opponent with a sword quite awkwardly. Then again, Hauer mainly took on enemies with guns. Still, Zaitoichi seems to be the more traditionally skilled, while, on the other hand, Hauer is an American and Americans always win. I think I'll just flip a coin to decide who would win.

...crap, I don't have any change. Well, all you readers can flip your own coins: heads Zaitoichi wins, tails Rutger Hauer.

Richard R. from Moabi, Gabon writes:
What's a really, really cool name for a baby girl?

How about Zora, like that chick form Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire. Sounds like the name of an Amazon warrior to me. That's kinda cool. In all honesty, though, I really shouldn't be naming kids.

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

Rating: 2.8/5 (20 votes cast)

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July 01, 2003
Frank Answers: Donkey Kong, Mountain Lions, and Mindless Eradication
Posted by Frank J. at 02:42 PM

Bill (AKA Graumagus) from Poplar Grove, IL writes:
The Nintendo company makes video games that feature a brave, immigrant plumber as a hero valiantly fighting the monkey menace in some of their wares. In others the evil Donkey Kong and his extended bastard family are falsely touted as the good guys. Is there a schism in the Nintendo management between those who are slaves to the simian conspiracy and those who are fighting for good? Or is the entire company evil incarnate, with Mario used as a pawn to lull the anti-monkey consumers into buying games, creating more funding for their fiendish plots?

My father had a great saying about trusting the Japanese: "Don't trust the Japanese." Now, I can't say I'm completely sure of all the details of the japanese-italian-simian consipracy with its extreme anti-turtle bent, but I know I'm suspicious as all 'ell. I just say keep an eye on Pearl Harbor and watch lots of anime looking for hidden messages.

Ryan from Colorado asks:
Any ideas how I can get the town council to let me have a Mountain Lion to take care of all the pesky prairie dogs running around my condo complex, oh, and the kids running around the parking lot too?

Just argue that prairie dogs and annoying kids are plentiful, while mountain lions are quite endangered. You'll be able to get a whole bunch of annoying environmentalists behind you with that argument. So now you may be saying, "But I don't want to get near any annoying environmentalists!" Well, once you have the mountain lion, you sic him on them. And they can't fight back or they'd be harming nature. Stupid, mauled environmentalists.

Bob from Dufeldorf, HA writes:
One of my mind-numbed liberal friends recently presented me with this
inane question: What possible benefit would come from mindlessly
eradicating an entire group of beings? Fortunately, I knew that you would have an answer.

Exterminate him, and the rest of your liberal friends. And do it mindlessly. The answer will come to them in their eradication.

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

Rating: 2.1/5 (18 votes cast)

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June 30, 2003
Frank Answers: Dumb Bombs, Crane Technique, and Lucky Pennies
Posted by Frank J. at 12:50 PM

George S. from favorite stall, 16th floor bathroom asks:
Do you think all the other bombs feelings are hurt when 'smart bombs'
are singled out for praise & adulation? I mean, not all bombs can have
a low CEP (circular error probable), right?

I think you are absolutely right. Smart bombs get far too much praise in this society where we don't want to "hurt civilians". My favorite bombing technique was the good 'ole saturation bombing, in which having high tech GPS, laser guidance system would be meaningless. Saturation bombing is what really strikes fear in the hearts of the enemy, so don't toss out your old bombs just yet... unless of course it's out of an airplane and on to your enemy.

Jared from Receda, CA writes:
As next year marks the 20th anniversary of "The Karate Kid", I was wondering if Miyagi's Crane Technique ("If do right, no can defense") would be an effective counter to a random ninja attack, or if, in fact, it only works against Billy Zabka. After all, in "The Karate Kid Part 2", Chozen was able to overcome this technique with a skilled flinch.

My God, it's been like a million years since I've seen either of those movies. If I remember the crane technique, all it involves is standing on one foot and then hopping to the other while kicking. No defense my ass. Let’s see if he can crane kick a gat from 25 yards, that's what I say.

Susie from Des Moines, Thailand
How long is a lucky penny lucky?

A lucky penny (a penny found lying on the ground face up) has a luck half-life of approximately one day (23 hours, 56 minutes, 12.87 seconds). Most luck should follow immediately after picking up of the penny.

If instead one picks up a penny of death (a penny found lying face down), your chance of dying that day increases by 1000%. On the other hand, you will be one cent richer.

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

Rating: 2.2/5 (29 votes cast)

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June 27, 2003
Frank Answers: Commie Condiments, Ninja Sprays, and Boxing Day
Posted by Frank J. at 05:28 PM

Scott from Heartland, U.S.A. writes:
I need your help with a personal crisis. One of my friends just told me that mustard is a "Commie condiment". Is this true? I really like mustard, does that make me a closet commie? Help!

PS: I thought commies liked mayo on their fries, not mustard.

But I like mayo on my fries...

Anyway, there is nothing Commie about any condiment. Americans love choice and being able to put whatever the hell they want on their foods. What's Commie is charging for packets of ketchup or mustard like I hear they do in Europe. We're rich capitalist, we get too be wasteful with our many packets of condiments, most of which go unused.

Nothing says freedom like a drawer at work full of unused ketchup and hot sauce packets.

From Poosh from either Nanjing, China or Bexhill, England writes:
Even though you have consistently given advice that has had a negative impact on my life I have no one else to turn too, the police simply won't believe me. I took your advice and bought some anti-ninja spray and sprayed my flowers good. That was fun. I then went into my house and awaited the ninja hoards. Sure enough, just as the sun was setting, they attacked! That's when the anti-ninja spray took affect! All the flowers in my garden mutated into these crazy looking flower-monsters! The ninjas tried to fight back but for every mutant flower they felled, two grew in its place! And thus the ninjas died. Victory was mine! I jumped for joy and praised America and set a side £10 to donate to you as a thankyou present. But then the mutant-flowers evolved and somehow took over not just my garden but my house! Everywhere is green and I've been imprisoned in my room. Sometimes I think Poison Ivy from Batman is going to show up and order me to be her sex slave which would be great but that hasn't happened yet. What do I do, Frank? What do I do? I think the flowers are plotting to take over the world...

Okay, I've used ninja sprays before, and I know they work perfectly fine if you follow the directions. That means to shake the spray vigorously for one minute and then put a light coating on the plants. If you do it properly, that plants would have just enough power to repel the ninjas, but not enough to take over your house and plan world conquest. Obviously, you did something wrong, so you get a chiding.

Chide. Chide. Chide.

Now that I've finished chiding you, here is what to do next. You need to get the archnemesis of the plants: vegetarians. Round up a bunch of vegetarians and set them loose on the plants. The plants will either flee in terror or be viciously torn apart by the vegetarians.

Hope that helps.

Tim from Melbourne, FL writes:
Canada has a holiday called Boxing Day. What is so special about (aboot) Boxing Day? Why do they have it?

Wow! I thought I was the only one who lived in Melbourne, Florida and wondered what the hell Boxing Day is. There is no way to be certain, as the ways of the Canadians are tribal and mysterious, but I do have a theory.

Obviously, it can't be about boxing like in punching each other, because the Canadians are too much a bunch of peaceniks. So my guess is that on boxing day they all get together a bunch of boxes and make cool forts out of them. What fun, eh?

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

Rating: 2.5/5 (24 votes cast)

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June 26, 2003
Frank Answers: American vs. Japanese Ninja, Soy Sauce, and The Shirt of Youth
Posted by Frank J. at 01:32 PM

Bill McCabe from Ridgewood, NJ writes:
Which are deadlier: American Ninjas or Japanese Ninjas? You see, the film "American Ninja" has the American beating the Japanese Ninja, while "Revenge of the Ninja" has the Japanese guy winning. I'm rather confused as to who is superior.

That's a rather easy question to answer: Americans are superior at everything. While American ninja might not be as skilled as classically trained Chinese or Japanese ninjas, we still win anyways because America always wins. That's because God likes us and dislikes other countries. We know that since we are the only country to get tornados; that's God's sign to us that we are all really cool... though some people interpret it differently.

Aaron from Canada writes:
Does Soy Sauce really kill bacteria? KIKKOMAN told me it did, but I'm not sure, eh.

Obviously a flash animation that well produced has to be right, so, yes, soy sauce does kill bacteria.

Is there anything soy can't do? No, there is nothing it can't do, which makes it a threat to us. Yes, it makes lots of healthy foods now, but soy could have more sinister plans in the future. Instead of a world taken over by apes, we could end up ruled by soy where they use meat from humans to make a non-vegetarian replacement to soy burgers.

I'm not saying destroy all soy; I'm just saying we should keep an eye on it.

Rustmeister from Smartsville, USA writes:
I just bought myself a Nuke the Moon t-shirt for my birthday. My question is: Will this t-shirt slow the aging process?

That's a silly question; of course it will. It will also increase your vocabulary, give you limited x-ray vision, and let you go 48 hours without sleep with no ill effects.

Of course, there was no real reason for me to answer this question, because all knowledge would become known to you as soon as you put on the shirt.

BTW, those who have these wonderful shirts now, remember to get those pictures in for the Peace Gallery.

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

Rating: 2.3/5 (30 votes cast)

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June 24, 2003
Frank Answers: Frank J. Movie Star, 9mm or .40, and Ninja Moats
Posted by Frank J. at 01:03 PM

Kelsey J. from Anytown, USA writes:
Frank, my mom and I were thinking of making a movie where all the liberals (and, if arrangements can be made, monkeys) die because they don't support gun rights. Would you like to star?

Sure, but there has to be lots of gun fights and I keep to keep all the firearms I use in the film. Plus there has to be a gratuitous katana fight scene where I quickly kill twenty people with my sword in under a minute.

And, at the end, it can't say, "No animals were harmed in the making of this movie." Instead, is should say, "Numerous monkeys were killed in the making of this movie, and we're happy with that."

Oh, and my percentage I ask for will of the gross, not the net.

Justin R. (a.k.a. Red Mist) from Hell (Grand Forks), ND writes:
I just turned 21 recently and I am trying to decide what firearm to buy as a concealed carry gun. I've narrowed it down to a Glock 19 in 9mm or a Glock 23 in .40S+W. I was also considering the Springfield XD 4 inch service model in the same calibers, but I haven't heard much about its reliability, so I think I'm going to stick with a proven gun. Can you help me with my dilemma? 9mm or .40?

I don't know; considers whether you want to kill your attacker or tickle him.

Hey, I always say go with a .45, but a .40 has plenty of punch. 9mm is just some wussy metric bullet made by Nazis. Stay away from metric ammo, or, if you must get a 9mm, instead refer to it has a .380 long.

UPDATE: I like to give joke answers, but guns are a serious thing. Anyway, I have now just got this months issue of Gun Tests magazine, and they recommend the cheaper Springfield XD 9. I still think it's better to have at least a .40 for the stopping power, though.

Also, if you are going to carry, you want to keep a round in the chamber, otherwise you can't do a one-handed draw. I just don't trust Glock's with a round in the chamber. I need either a stiffer double action on the first shot or a manual safety.

Previously, I recommended this carry holster which allows one to carry a full size auto. Here is me wearing the holster with both my Colt 1991 and Walther PPK in it. Such a holster gives you more options in what you can carry.

Stephen from Hope, Arkansas asks:
I believe your logic is flawed: strategically-placed wide moats would do a much better job at repelling random ninja attacks than tall fences. (It's common knowledge that ninjas dislike water.) Does that change your pro-random ninja attack stance?

First, don't mischaracterize my statements; I am not "pro-random ninja attack". I just think that measures such as walls and moats are wastes of time. Ninjas will climb the walls, and, remember, ninjas can jump very far. The amount of money it would take to make a moat wide enough to keep out ninjas would be too costly, plus there's that extra long bridge or gate to take care of. I still think the only real solution is to teach the death-touch to the common man. When each man himself can take on a ninja, then random ninja attacks will cease to be a problem.

Not like it affects me anyway; I'm a samurai.

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

Rating: 2.4/5 (21 votes cast)

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June 23, 2003
Frank Answers: Sea-Monkeys, Hippy-Hunting, and Air
Posted by Frank J. at 12:38 PM

George S. from the Galactic Headquarters, Milky Way Division writes:
Everyone knows you hate monkeys. What's your position on Sea-Monkeys?

Monkeys are bad enough as it is on land, but for them to also to propagate their evil into the sea would be too much. What would be next? Flying monkeys ruling the air, biting and scratching all our airplanes?

Luckily, sea monkeys are actually just boring little brine shrimp, easily killed by adding a drop of bleach to their aquarium. Try it yourself; it’s fun!

Chris from Satellite Beach, Florida write:
I live in a neighboring city of yours called Satellite Beach. Do you think you and me could go hang out sometime? I could go for some hippy-hunting.

Well, I don't just take anyone on hippy-hunting, Chris. I need to know I can trust the other person. How can I be sure that when a bull hippy comes charging at us, you're not going to blink? You miss your shot, and then we could both end up smelling like patchouli oil.

Jay Solo from Quincy, Massachusetts asks:
Why is there air?

Air is needed as a medium so that things can fly. Before air, paper airplanes fell straight to the floor, and birds were forced to run around on the ground, pecking at people's feet. Finally, though, the Wright brothers came up with an invention called the airplane, named after Sir Isaac Airplane who first theorized that man could fly. They realized, though, that they needed some gaseous medium for the contraption to work in. Thus they argued to the government to begin filling the world with gas by genetically modify plants to produce oxygen, nitrogen, and some other elements that together we know as air (named after the airplane).

The only problem was that this air ended up being quite addictive, and a person will die from withdrawal symptoms when being deprived of air for a only a minute or so. It is possible to slowly wean yourself off the addiction, but it takes eighty years or so.

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

Rating: 2.1/5 (22 votes cast)

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June 20, 2003
Frank Answers: Bounced E-mails and Psychic Powers
Posted by Frank J. at 08:09 AM

Meryl Yourish from a secluded island in the Pacific writes:
I got a letter back from with one of those messages that said it failed to deliver my email to the recipient. It was my letter to you on the Hulk and Rumsfeld fight. Yet you answered the letter without having received it. Can you explain this miracle? Does it have anything to do with the shirts?

Yes, I didn't want to mention it because it has not been confirmed by scientists, but my Nuke the Moon t-shirt gives me psychic powers. I am able to tell what a person is going to e-mail me and respond even without seeing the e-mail!

Actually, when you e-mail frankj@imao.us, it forwards the e-mail to imao@cfl.rr.com, but it also saves the e-mail. Apparently, the frankj@imao.us mailbox filled up - thus the bounce back messages - yet I still get the message forwarded to my other account. So, all you people who thought I never received your subtitle submissions, I did receive them and summarily rejected them... if that makes you feel better.

So, until I get my mailbox cleaned out, just ignore the bounce back messages.

* * * *

More Frank Answers™ later!

...if I feel like it. Actually, screw you; you write some funny posts. I've been writing for the whole week and I feel burnt out now.

Ah, I shouldn't take it out on you, my readers. Didn't get much sleep last night so I just didn't have time or energy to think of something to post today. I should have just pulled something from my ancient archives of funny stuff and put that up... oh, I have the perfect thing! But I'm at work now, so it will have to wait until I get home about 5pm. But it will be great!

Until then, for those of you who have received your shirts by now, here is how to turn it into a cool ninja mask. Sure, you're saying, I can do that with any black t-shirt, but only the Nuke the Moon t-shirt gives you actual ninja powers!

Oh, and I have been putting secret messages in my Links of the Day™ for like a week now; did anyone notice?

Rating: 2.5/5 (22 votes cast)

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June 19, 2003
Frank Answers: The Hulk vs. Rumsfeld, Barefooted Women, and "Curious" George
Posted by Frank J. at 12:17 PM

Meryl Yourish from a secluded island in the Pacific asks:
Who do you think would win in a fight between the Hulk and Rumsfeld?

That's a hard one. One is a boiling pot of rage that thinks of nothing more than destruction, and the other is large and green. Personally, I'd put my money on Rumsfeld… as long he took his arthritis medicine before the fight.

Vince from NS, Canada writes:
As an evil conservative, I can understand keeping women pregnant and in the kitchen. But why barefoot!? It seems kinda unsanitary. Hopefully you can
clear this up.

Giving women shoes is a big mistake. As soon as they have shoes, they might feel safe venturing outside the house. And if they're out of the house, who will bring you your beer when you are watching football? And next thing you know, women may use the freedom of shoes to go out and vote, and that's how people like Bill Clinton got elected. Even Dole would have won against him if men had just kept their women barefoot and in the kitchen.

And, of course, once women get one pair of shoes, they'll want more. Me, I have one pair of worn sneakers, and, whether I'm going jogging, going to work, or going to the governor's ball, they're all I need. But women will want all sort of wacky shoes for reasons unconceivable to men. Soon, your whole closet will be filled with them and your wife will be saying, "We need to get rid of some of your power tools to make room for more shoes."

Barefoot and in the kitchen; that's the only way to go.

To women readers of IMAO: I'm just kidding!

Michael Colwell of Ucluelet, BC, Canada asks:
You seem to be an expert on monkeys. I want to know this: Why did The Man With The Yellow Hat continue to rescue Curious George from the perilous situations he created for himself? And why was he always dressed in yellow with those funny boots? Frankly, The Man looks French to me. I read Curious George stories to my young kids and I'm worried that I might be corrupting them. Should I stop?

Yes, stop immediately!

My mother read Curious George stories to me as a child, until my father heard one and correctly identified it as a subversive threat. He then burnt all the books and we were better for it.

Why is George so "curious"? Why is he sticking his nose where it doesn't belong? Because he's a spy, that's why. And he relays his information back to France, the most monkey and terrorist friendly government in Europe, through the man in the yellow hat. Of course, most people don't notice the monkey as a spy, because he and the man in the yellow hat (who we quite conspicuously never hear the name of) disguise his intelligence gathering efforts as "misadventures."

Well, no one's pulling the wool over my eyes. Curiosity not only kills the cat, but the monkey as well if I have anything to do about it.

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

Rating: 2.4/5 (24 votes cast)

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June 18, 2003
Frank Answers: Hating Monkeys, Hippy Music, and the Heartbreak of Psoriasis
Posted by Frank J. at 12:44 PM

CPT Brook A. Nelson asks:
So, uh....you know... What's up with the whole monkey hating thing?

Many people would probably think it started when I was shot by a monkey, but I've had suspicion of simians well before then. You see, monkeys have always hated us and were jealous of us since we became the ruling primate. They plot and wait, looking for the best opportunity to bring on our downfall.

As a kid, I would sometimes see a monkey peering in through my bedroom window, and then swing off into the forest. My mom assured me there were no wild monkeys in New Jersey, but I knew better. They are everywhere, watching us, waiting, finding our weaknesses...

In the least, a monkey will bite you. In the worst, it will destroy all of society. The smart man would be prepared.

John from Bagdad, Arizona asks:
Why is it that I like hippy music, but can't stand hippies?

Ah, the siren song of hippy music. It gives you the warm feeling of a life without responsibilities or logical reasoning, but it must be resisted. It's good you still hate hippies, but I would recommend not listening to anymore hippy music for the good of your soul. Suddenly one day, you may think, "Hey, I can skip taking a shower for a day or two," or say about some foreign conflict, "Maybe we can talk it over instead of bombing." It will start slowly, but one day you will be too forgone for any intervention, and even a Nuke the Moon t-shirt will not be able to save you.

Wind Rider from Baja, Hungary asks:
What exactly is "the heartbreak of psoriasis"?

Well, it's that when someone get psoriasis, it's very heartbreaking.

I knew this guy, and he was like, "My heart is broken."

And I asked, "Does this have to do with a girl?"

"No, psoriasis."

"Oh, I'm sorry," I said with faux sympathy (I don't actually like other people or care about their problems), "Is there anything they can do?"

"Doctor says he'll have to cut me open and fix my heart with duct tape and twine." The guy then rose to his feet and shook his fist in the air. "Psoriasis!"

I hope that clears things up.

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

Rating: 2.7/5 (26 votes cast)

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June 17, 2003
Frank Answers: Aquaman, Coverting a Liberal, and the Speed of Light
Posted by Frank J. at 12:45 PM

Kelsey J. from Tshane, Botswana asks:
In a fight between you and Aquaman, who would win?

Oh, come on. In any usual fight I would just blow him away with my .45 (does he have any fish powers to stop bullets?), but let's say he somehow catches me unarmed; I'm still going to bounce his head off the pavement.

If he gets me in water somehow, sure he can breathe there and I can't, but that still won't keep me from strangling him. And maybe he'll call some fish on me, which just means I'll kick the ass of some Tuna and Marlin along with his.

Now, if for some reason I fell asleep on an inner tube while unarmed and floated out to sea, then maybe they're be a bit of a fight because he'd have the drop on me. But he'd still end up known as “Aquabitch” in the end.

Maybe the reason Aquaman seems so wussy is that orange outfit of his. Instead, he should try putting on cool t-shirt and then maybe he'll get more respect.

UPDATE: This came in from Stoney and Medb.

I take back all those things I said about you, Aquaman. Please don't kick my ass! (Just wait until I get my own shirt...)

Mark from Omaha, Nebraska writes:
As much as I hate to ask this question, it must be asked. A friend has been converted to the ways of Michael Moore. How do I release his soul from the clutches of that evil man?

Well, if it ever happened to me, I'd hope a close friend would end me quickly with a gunshot to the head. You might try taking him to a priest and see if they'll do an exorcism. Also, you could buy him a Nuke the Moon t-shirt, which has been known to magically convert lefties. Other than that, I'd just slap him silly. It might not cure him, but it will make you feel better.

Paul from Nukus, Uzbekistan asks:
Is the speed of light slower at night?

Good question. This calls for the scientific method. What I did was got a flashlight and a stopwatch (with a nanosecond hand). I marked a spot on the ground to stand, and then timed how long it took the light to reach the tree, both during the day and during the night.

Now, you're probably saying, "You don't have the reaction time to stop the stopwatch as soon as the light hits the tree."

Being Frank, though, I already thought of that, of course. I recorded what my reaction time is, so, once I minus that from the stop watch, I'll have the length of time it took the light to reach the tree.

Anyway, I did it a bunch of trials in each scenario (six times), and it was conclusive that light took on average a couple nanoseconds longer to reach the tree during the day, quite contrary to your hypothesis, Paul.

Here's why, at night, the light has clear sailing and can fly forward without anything getting in its way, but, during the day, there's all this other light it has to dodge around.

It's like, "Hey, could you please let me pass by?"

While the other light is like, "I was here first, bub. Go around me."

So that's why light is slower during the day.

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

Rating: 2.0/5 (22 votes cast)

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June 16, 2003
Frank Answers: Oil Stealing, Little People, and Am I Actually a Lefty
Posted by Frank J. at 12:47 PM

Homiller from Keokea, HI asks:
Do you have a feel for when we are going to start stealing Iraq's oil? I'm eager for my share.

Patience, patience. Right now there is too much focus on Iraq, and stealing oil is a delicate thing. Soon, though, we'll distract the world with some other conflict, either North Korea or Iran, and then we'll drop this phoney-bologna setting up a new government shtick and get to our real work. As soon as the world's attention is back to Iraq, we'll be long gone with all the oil. Then world will be like, "Where's the Americans?"

And the Iraqis will answer, "We don't know. They just suddenly left with barrels full of something or another. Those gringos are plum loco." (I think I'm getting Iraqis mixed up with Mexicans, but you get the gist).

Anyway, then all us war supporters get to split the oil profits which we can spend on more guns, SUV's, and cool t-shirts.

Buck Hicks from Yazd, Iran writes:
Are you for real? I mean how do we know that you are not some lefty making fun of us conservative readers behind our backs? It would be the perfect scam, don't you think? Here you are making fun of your audience on a regular basis and we are just lapping it up and asking for more.

That's just crazy.

Excuse me for a second.

Muh ha ha ha ha... Bwa ha ha hah ha! Ah ha ha HA HA HA!!

Anyway, I'm as rightwing as they come. I really do like guns and punching poor people and all that other conservative stuff.

Carl from Alexandria, MN writes:
Lately it seems that I've been hearing over and over that Democrats are for the "Little People". I was hoping you could tell me why they like little people so much. Also, my girlfriend has been suggesting recently that I begin to diet and lose some weight. Is she part of a vast conspiracy to turn me into one of the "Little People"? Can I really trust her at all? If I do actually lose some weight, will I gradually turn into a foul smelling hippie? Thanks for your answers Frank. I really hope you can help me.

Yes, it's true, years of believe the tripe Democrats spew twists and mutates people into horrible little mutants known as the "Little People." They are tiny in size, but have even more hatred and ill will than a full size man. These are the tiny, evil foot soldiers of the Democrats' crusade to destroy mankind, and they must be stopped.

Where Little People are involved, trust no one, including your girlfriend. Spend your well-earned money on capitalistic items like junk food, candy, and cookies. And, if you hear little feet scampering about and high pitch voices whining about the rich, load that shotgun. Make sure to identify your target, though, because if you accidentally kill a hobbit instead of a Little Person, that's seven years bad luck.

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

Rating: 2.2/5 (22 votes cast)

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June 13, 2003
Frank Answers: Sunlight, Nuking the Michael Moore, Japanese Spatulas, and How to Be Cool Like Frank
Posted by Frank J. at 12:28 PM

Richard R. from Moabi, Gabon writes:
Over on USS Clueless, SdB has a very long technically precise answer to the following question:

“I'll keep this short. The following questions came up among a group of engineers at the bar tonight, and I thought I'd ask. Basically, I'm asking you this because you seem to know everything else... Do all points on the equator experience 12 hours of sunlight a day, 365 days/year? If so, please explain. If not, is there any point or any two points that will experience sunlight 12 hours/day, 365 days/year?”

I'm figuring you'll have a better answer than his.

How the hell would I know?

...I mean, of course I'll have a better answer than Stephen den Beste. As everyone knows, I'm smarter, I'm sexier, and I have better t-shirts than him.

Due to the rotation of the earth, it's tilt, it's path around the sun, and it's dynamic metarysimal action (a term so scientific that I only know it), there is actually only one point on the earth that gets exactly 12 hours of sunlight every day. The location is unknown, but it is prophesized in the bible (one of the psalms; I forget which) that there lies at the spot a hidden cave guarded by evil leprechauns who kick and bite. These leprechauns are even more angry and drunken than the ones in Ireland, and hardly a man would ever be able to survive an onslaught of their tiny fists.

If somehow one would survive the leprechauns, inside lies The Holy Grail. Well, maybe not The Holy Grail, but a holy grail, nonetheless. Anyway, there will certainly be some stalagmites, which are cool to look at.

I didn't read Stephen den Beste's answer, but, if he didn't mention leprechauns and stalagmites, then he obviously just pulled the answer out of his ass and I would never trust him again.

Max from Fairfield, CT writes:
Dear God, Michael Moore is fat. So if we do eventually, God willing, nuke the moon, could we launch Michael Moore into space and have the sun reflect off of him?

Yeah, right. We're going to nuke the moon, but not nuke Michael Moore. Please put a little more thought behind your questions, people.

Jared from Littleton, Colorado writes:
I've noticed your Japanese subsidiary produces a line of smiley-face spatulas (http://www.imao.co.jp/gift/index.html), among other trinkets. Is the work in these factories being performed by small children, or, due to Japan's higher labor costs and overly-stringent child labor laws, are you forced to use tamed ninjas?

Hey, that's supposed to be a secret product line I'm working on (that's why it's in Japan). Anyway, there is no such thing as a tamed ninja; were a ninja ever to stop flipping out and cutting people's heads off, he would cease to exist. Instead, the spatulas are being assembled by trained seals. One of them is named George and he likes to eat fish.

Anyway, right now I'm just focusing on the t-shirts. Smiley-faced spatulas is my next empire.

Tara from Guernica, Spain asks:
Why are you so cool? How can I learn to be more like you?

Asking why I am so cool is asking like why does the wind blow or why does the bird sing.

...well, I guess there are technical answers to those questions. Anyway, let’s move on to how to be cool like me.

First you have to be super smart. I mean like super duper smart. So you have to go to college and study hard things and buy books on science and actually read some. Then you have to have mad skilz, which means taking martial arts and practicing everyday. Owning a katana is a plus. Also, you need to own a 1911 style firearm (that's a .45 baby; no metric ammo for Frank), and constantly practice your aim at the range.

Then there is personality. You have to have charm and wit, and, when those don't work, you have to know how to throw a sucker punch.

Of course, there is the sense of humor, but that's basically just a gift from God. So you need to pray to God to give you a sense of humor. Subtle threats aimed at Him might help.

Of course, the cheapest and most efficient way to be cool like Frank is to buy and wear a Nuke the Moon t-shirt.

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

Rating: 2.5/5 (25 votes cast)

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June 12, 2003
Frank Answers: Virgins in Heaven, Cycle of Violence, and More Ninja Trouble
Posted by Frank J. at 12:05 PM

Jack from Missouri asks:
How many virgins could I get for insulting an Israeli or just annoying one?

This seems like a question for my local blind cleric. So I sought out the cleric and asked, "Do you get virgins in heaven for just annoying or insulting Israelis?"

And he replied, "Kill the Jews!"

"That doesn't really answer my question..."

"Jews!!! Kill!!!"

I knew this wasn't going anywhere, so I snatched a pebble from his hand and ran away.

Next I decided to consult Allah himself. Susprisingly, he was available for questions. "So, Allah, do you get any virgins in heaven for just calling an Israelis a 'doody-head'?"

"That is a great question, my son," Allah replied, "To know the answer you must... kill the Jews!!!"


"Kill!!! Jews!!!"

"Hey! You're not Allah! You're Satan!"

"Yeah, you got me," Satan admitted.

"I can't believe you; trying to trick people into killing Jews!"

"Yeah, but you were too smart for it," Satan said, "Why, I bet you are so smart, you could kill way more Jews than those silly Muslims."

"Well, yes, I am quite smart... Hey! Now you're trying to appeal to my vanity to get me to kill the Jews! You get out of here you mean bad Satan man!"

So, in conclusion, I'd say if you want virgins, I wouldn't mess around with those Israelis. They have uzis.

George S. from Austin, TX asks:
What's this Middle East Cycle of Violence I keep hearing about? Is it Lance Armstrong's new bike that he'll be riding in the Tour de France?

Ever since I was a little kid, I always wanted a cycle of violence. One that could launch missiles at the other kids and had bladed spokes to take out the wheels of other cycles.

The Middle East Cycle of Violence is that dream come true: a ten speed bicycle loaded with weaponry (and reflectors to keep you safe when riding in the dark). It's the first truly original product to come out of the Middle East, and will hopefully finally give them an economy not reliant solely on oil and hating the Jews.

Poosh from Nanjing, China writes:
I took your advice and unleashed Kung Fu on the ninja as you instructed. It was tough at first because life is tough, but, in the space of two hours, I beat his ass into ground. He fled. I thought that was the end of it and contemplated donating some money to you for giving such great advice and helping me face my ninja, BUT, when I looked out the window the next day, there was a squad of ninjas in the garden, messing up the flowers and throwing ninja stars at my window. Apparently if you beat up a ninja he gets his older brothers and cousins onto you... YOU HAVE MADE THINGS WORSE!

First off, IMAO and all it's subsidiaries (of which there are none) are not responsible for the consequences of following the advice given on this site.

That said, here is some more advice. Yes, defeating one ninja may not be enough to stop the problem, but if you go out and defeat all of them, then they will finally leave you alone. Don't be too worried; the ninjas' usual tactics are to circle around you and then attack you only one or two at a time.

Also, to keep ninjas out of your flowers, there are some sprays you can use. You can't always get them at the supermarket, but ACE Hardware or Home Depot should have some.

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

Rating: 2.4/5 (19 votes cast)

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June 10, 2003
Frank Answers: Potatoes, Monkey Pox, and "Frankly"
Posted by Frank J. at 01:05 PM

Virginia from Virginia writes:
A question has been bugging me for a long time now: Is there more potato in a bucket of large potatoes or a bucket of small potatoes?

The best way to answer this is by the scientific method. I took a bucket of small potatoes and a bucket of large potatoes and filled them with water. Whichever took less water to fill would have less empty space and more potato. Unfortunately, the potatoes floated. To keep them from floating, I decided a good idea would be to fill them with lead shot. The most efficient way of delivering lead shot to them seemed to be to shoot them with a shotgun.

Anyway, all my potatoes were destroyed, so I had to find another way to get the answer. I decided to call my parents since they live in Idaho and most know all sorts of things about potatoes. My Mom answered the phone.


"Hey, it's Frankie-boy!"


"Your son."


"No, your other son."

"Other son?"

"You know, who lives in Florida."

"Oh... you. What do you want?"

"I wanted to know whether there is more potato in a bucket of large potatoes or a bucket of small potatoes."

"Now I remember you; you're kind of an idiot. It's the bucket of small potatoes. Being smaller, they fit in more compactly."

"Great. So, do you think I could come home for Christmas this year?"

"Sorry, no room for you this year. Maybe next year."

"Aww. Well, anyway, I just wanted to say... you still there?"

So there's the answer: it's the bucket of small potatoes.

Shawn from Roselle, IL writes:
When I read about the recent outbreak of monkey pox in the Midwest, I instantly suspected you were involved. My question is, is this some sort of genetically engineered virus that you created to destroy monkeys that somehow got out of control and is now infecting humans? Or is it a genetically engineered virus that the monkeys created to destroy you, and they just don't care how many of the rest of us they take down too?

I am not specifically involved with the monkey pox outbreak. For one thing, I never resort to chemical or biological weapons; I just like plain 'ole shoot'n when I want something dead.

My theory is that it was created by the monkeys - like many other viruses such as Ebola - to wipe out humanity and thus bring on the "Planet of the Apes" scenario. They decided to first test it on prairie dogs, though, before using it for a full attack.

Do I recommend that we hunt down and kill all monkeys as a result? Yes I do. Of course, I've been recommending that action for some time now.

Bill Cimino from Virginia Beach, VA asks:
Do you hate it when people say "frankly"?

Frankly, Cimino, I don't give a damn.

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

Rating: 2.7/5 (27 votes cast)

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June 09, 2003
Frank Answers
Posted by Frank J. at 12:30 PM

Poosh from Nanjing, China writes:
Why does it cost so much money to fight wars these days? The recent Iraq war cost billions and we were not up against much of a foe. I mean I heard a tank costs like a million dollars and I can’t afford that.

I know what you mean. I keep getting really angry at some countries, but, when I estimate the cost of doing war with them myself, it's way out of my price range. That's why it's usually a function of the federal government to kill bad foreigners. Problem is, a lot of our tax money goes for other things than paying for weaponry. Like they take money out of my check each week for social security even though I don't want social security since I have a 401k. I even went to the IRS guy and demanded that money back because I don't like paying taxes that don't lead to the death of bad people. But the IRS guy said I had to pay it, and then some guys came out with machine guns to emphasize that point. And they were really scary, so I ran away.

Anyway, maybe war is too expensive for an individual, but maybe if a bunch of us Americans get together we can pool our money to buy lots of weaponry and then go country to country killing dictators. It's our America duty to solve all the world’s problems, and we can't always wait for the government to do it. We'll just get a deal with the U.S. government to overlook all our activities; they'll just deny all knowledge of any involvement with us. We'd be like the A-Team, running around the world with guns helping people, but, unlike the A-Team, we would actually hit whom we're shooting at.

If anyone is interested in joining, write so in the comments. You don't have to be an America to be a part of it; as long as you share our love of killing bad people, that's American enough.

Susie from God writes:
In one of your Frank Answers you said: "but now sign your e-mail with what name you want me to use, and also include where you are from". Is the latter instruction a philosophical or geographical question? My parents told me I came from God; this e-mail is coming from Indiana.

If you have a philo-mo-spohical answer, fine, but I prefer a geographic location. I don't want to start getting a bunch of crazy-ass answers from some po-mo's.

Stephen from Hope, Arkansas asks:
What are your feelings on human evolution? How about evolution in general?

I like the theory of evolution, because it's the best scientific explanation of how people came about. I admit though, it's hard to conceive all the random mutations that must have happened to go from an amoeba to Frank J., the most perfect of God's creatures. I don't like the idea that God just one day went POOF! and people appeared without any back story, because that just seems sloppy - kinda like something I would do if I were God.

As for human evolution, I don't think that happens physically anymore because we now live in a world where any idiot can survive and reproduce. Instead, we evolve technologically. Sure, it would be cool one day if humanity evolved the powers to shoot lasers out their eyes, but at least every few years we get new video game system with even higher polygon counts. Frankly, that's enough evolution for me.

Now, that main problem with the theory of evolution is that it take millions of years to have noticeable effects, thus it is hard to empirically prove it. I say one thing we can try is subjecting monkey after monkey to high doses of radiation to try and mutate them. If one suddenly becomes a person, evolution is proven. If all the monkeys just die, results will be inconclusive, but at least all monkeys will be dead.

I hate monkeys.

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

Rating: 2.0/5 (24 votes cast)

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June 05, 2003
Frank Answers: An Antarctica Utpoia, Unobserved Humor, and the Curse of the Sun Sneezes
Posted by Frank J. at 08:43 AM

Michael E. from Austin, Texas asks:
If we took all the communists, hippies, and liberals and shipped them
off to Antarctica (or other barren wasteland), would they be able to
create the perfect utopia that they're always yammering about? If so,
would you live there?

I don't know if it would be a perfect society, but a bunch of frozen liberals sounds like a good start towards one. And, no, I would not live there, but I would hunt there.

Doug Morris from North Carolina asks:
If a tree-hugger falls out of a tree in the forest, and there's nobody around to hear her scream... is it still funny?

Here you ask the nature of humor: can humor exist without a human observer. I'm sure deer get distracted all the time and run smack into trees, but, most of the time, people aren't there to watch, and all that does is scare squirrels. But remember that God is always watching, and I believe He has a sense of humor because that's essential to me not going to hell. So, when the tree hugger falls from the tree, God would chuckle. And then, when she's lying there dazed and wondering what happened, God would knock the tree down on top of her and then laugh His divine ass off. Nothing better than a good smiting.

My silly sister Sarah, the silliest sister of all, took time out from being a big shot Hollywood costume designer to ask me:
Why does the sun make people sneeze?

Yes, it is true that looking at the sun causes a certain number of people to sneeze, and the explanation is not a simple one. I first went to my local Research-atoritum to ask the scientists there. They were not receptive.

"Bah! Tis a silly question no one would care to know the answer to," shouted one scientists as he studied the flow of ketchup from a bottle. All the other scientists were similarly dismissive, almost suspiciously so. Finally, dejected, I left the Research-atorium, but before I reached my car, I heard a whisper from the shadows.

"Do not follow this line of questioning. It will lead you to your doom."

"Who are you?" I demanded.

He stayed hidden in the darkness. "It matters not. Just know that many brave men have tried to solve this puzzle you ask, and none have been heard from again."

"But I need to find the answer!" I pleaded, "My little sister asked the question, and, if I can't solve it, she'll make fun of me and call me 'Stinki'."

"It's a better fate than what awaits you," warned the mysterious man, "but if you really wish to pursue this, your journey will take you to the Himalayas."

"Then that is where I go," I vowed.

I was not able to find any guide willing to take me on this journey, so I trudged through the snow myself, climbing the rocky precipice. It seemed all unfamiliar, yet somehow I knew where to go. Eventually, harsh winds forced me to find shelter in a cave. Inside, I saw an old man.

"You seek answers," he said, staring through me into my very soul.

"I wish to know why some people sneeze when they look at the sun," I declared.

"Ah, a good question," the man said with a mysterious smile, "but first I must know if you are worthy of the answer."

Suddenly a knight in armor attacked me with a sword. "You must defeat the demon knight in a battle of swordplay!" the old man announced, "Then the answer will be yours."

"I'm really subpar at sword fighting," I admitted as I drew my katana.

"Just stick and move," the old man assured me.

The demon knight bared down upon me, and I barely dodged his sword which cleaved rock from the cave walls as if it were cutting through a carrot. I caught him off guard though, and swung in, my sword clanging uselessly against the armor.

"Oh, funk this!" I exclaimed, dropped my katana and drawing my .45. One shot fell the demon knight.

"You are the chosen one!" the old man exclaimed.

"But I didn't sword fight him."

"But the prophecies said the chosen one would do battle with a weapon of fire." The old man held a torch so I could see the ancient writing on the wall. It was all written in text I had never seen, except for the last part which said, "Chosen one will use a weapon of fire." It looked like that had just been added with a magic marker... a purple one.

"I don't know about this..."

"Look, you even bear the mark of the chosen one." The old man held up my hand to reveal the mark.

"That's a smiley face you just stamped on me," I protested.

"No, you are the chosen one, and it is up to you to end the curse of the sun."

"What curse?"

"Back before time was time, an ancient demon named Ahchoo saw man and was reviled by him. Thus he forever cursed the sun, causing about 25% of people who look upon it to sneeze."

"You still haven't gotten to the part where I care."

"You are the chosen one, and you can end this curse by destroying orb of Ahchoo that lies deeper within this cave."

"How long will that take? I have a plane to catch."

"It is a perilous journey, with each step you take full of danger!"

"Each step full of danger!" I exclaimed.

"Well, there are a couple steps without danger," he admitted, "but, by far, most steps are full of danger."

"I'm going to have to say no to this quest then."

"Why? Are you a pussy?"

"I'm not a pussy!" I shot back, "It's just I don't give a rat's ass. I mean, I don't sneeze when I look at the sun; just my stupid sister does. Why would I risk my life over that?"

"But it is your destiny!" the old man exclaimed, "You cannot walk away from your destiny!"

"I'm not going to walk away," I said, "I'm going to try and find a ski lift down. Barring that, I guess I'll have to use a sled." I then headed for the exit to the cave.

"Destiny will find you one day!" the old man yelled, "You can try to avoid it, but it will find you!" Finally he just grumbled to himself. "Wanker."

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

Rating: 2.7/5 (17 votes cast)

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June 03, 2003
Frank Answers: Testing Space Travel, Palestinians vs. Cockroaches, and God on the Eighth Day
Posted by Frank J. at 12:28 PM

Martin from Mississippi asks:
If humans are sooo smart, how did monkeys, dogs, and communists achieve space flight before the first human?

Space travel is one of the greatest of human endeavors, but it is an extremely dangerous pursuit. Early on, we weren't sure how zero gravity would affect a living creature. Why, it might cause someone's guts to spew out their ears for all we knew. Human life is precious, so we couldn't just go haphazardly into space without first knowing what would happen. Thus we waited to see space’s effects on monkeys, dogs, and communists (with special interest on the monkey, since it was closest to human) before sending the first human, Alan Shepard, into space.

Jason Hannemann from Austin, Texas asks:
Can cockroaches be considered better than "Palestinians" because they are actually willing to live with Jews?
And then asks:
Will that question be considered too "mean" for you to use?

Sorry, that question is way too mean. My guess is that if cockroaches had the ability to bomb children, they would then hold parades and celebrate afterwards as well. That makes Palestinians who support terrorism at least as good as cockroaches.

Brian Medcalf from Keller, TX writes:
God created the world in six days. On the seventh day, he rested. What did he do on day eight?

Started smite'n. Every play Sim City? After you finally build up an entire city, what’s left to do but then click that little tab to start Godzilla stomping through town? You build, then you destroy. Of course, I'm assuming that God is just like me, which seems a reasonable assumption.

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

Rating: 2.8/5 (20 votes cast)

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June 02, 2003
Frank Answers: Combustion Engine, Spiffy Uniforms, and the Meaning of Life
Posted by Frank J. at 12:46 PM

Clint from Macon, Georgia asks:
How does an internal combustion engine work?

I don't think you want to know, because then, like next time you drive a car, you'd be like, "Holy crap!"

See, the whole engine is like exploding constantly from lighting that gasoline on fire when it’s on, pushing pistons and what not so that the car goes, "Vrooom! Vroooooom!" It's total chaos in there.

So you're probably now asking, "So what keeps the combustion internal and not external so that it doesn’t combust me too?"

Well, if you check around the engine (do this when it is off and on a non-haunted car), you'll see a magic rune imprinted on it. This spell keeps the fire inside the engine. Were it ever scratched off, the next time you start your car, KA-BOOM!

Every 100,000 miles, you really should have the rune re-enchanted by a sorcerer. Check you car's owner manual for more information.

Krista from Bonduel, Wisconsin asks:
Why is it that evil people (like the Nazis) always get the spiffiest looking uniforms?

As everyone knows, the secret to a good movie is good enemies. That's why the Empire in Star Wars has all these nice clean uniforms, because you go, "Wow! Those guys are organized! They must be evil!"

That's also why WWII was considered such a great war, because we had serious villains with cool uniforms. But look at Vietnam; no spiffy uniforms on our enemies, and many people thus look on that war with regret.

And take today's wars, those people don't know how to dress themselves at all. They make piss poor villains, because no one in their right mind could think they could actually win. From the looks of a lot of them, our troops are racing to get their kills before starvation can claim all the credit.

Well, hopefully we can have a war with China teamed up with North Korea. Those guys have spiffy uniforms, and I could see some real drama and suspense in that war.

Alan Forrester from from Balti, Moldova asks:
What is the meaning of life?

I assume you're not just looking for the dictionary definition, which is readily available.

If you're asking what the purpose of existence is, I tried to get a comment from God, but no one returned my phone calls. As always, though, Satan was on hand to give his opinion.

"Life is purposeless. God created you all to watch you suffer for His amusement. That's why you must join up with me and rebel..."

Hey I said no more recruitment speeches, Satan.

"Fine. Can I at least plug my book? It's Chicken Soup for the Damned Soul and it will be on bookshelves in August."

Great. Now be gone, foul demon.

Anyway, I wouldn't worry so much about the whole meaning of things and just follow your conscience, doing good deeds and what not. I always have been a little worried that whether you get into Heaven or not might be based on other things that how good you are, though, like there will be an obstacle course and movie trivia or you have to run a mile in under six minutes, but that's probably not true. I'd be prepared, though.

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

Rating: 2.5/5 (23 votes cast)

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June 01, 2003
Frank Answers: Who Should Play Me in the Movie, Free Publicity, and Writing the Bible
Posted by Frank J. at 02:02 PM

Jose from Bombay, India writes:
I'm a film student, and I would like to make a movie about your life based upon your website. How do you feel about Tobey Maguire playing the role of
Frank J.? Or maybe Val Kilmer?

That's funny; I got told twice in one day that I look like Tobey Maguire (that was when the Spiderman DVD had just some out). Val Kilmer sounds good to me, but I hear he is hard to work with.

I'd say go with a no name actor and spend your entire budget on the car chases and shootouts.

If you need a costume designer, you can contact my sister.

No, she'd probably dress me in French clothing just to be spiteful.

Serenity from Argentina writes:
I finally got a real blog site (http://www.serenitysjournal.com/). Will you help spread the word?


mrmii from Atlanta asks:
Who wrote the Bible?

I guess the best way to find out is to check one. Hmm... doesn't seem to list an author on the cover. Maybe it was written by Anonymous. I don't think Joe Klien wrote it, though.

Oh, now I remember. It was Gutenberg. He was inspired by God, and thus he smashed metal, paper, and ink together and there appeared the words of the Lord. And all Gutenberg's friends were like, "Wow, Gooty!" (his friends called him "Gooty") "That's so cool you got the word of God there. Let's go drink some ale."

So Gutenberg printed up a bunch of copies of the Bible and went drinking. While he was away, some people broke in and stole the first half of the Bible and ran off. They used that to form their religion, the Judaism, and immediately started on their Zionist conspiracy which involves space lasers (of which I believe they are still working on today).

So then the pope comes by, and he's like, "Hey, Gooty, you do a gooda job writing down the word of the Lord. Here's a magical amulet to protecta you froma the spiders. They no longa bite-a you and make-a you itch."

And Gutenberg said, "Thanks, pope-a! You sucha nice-a guy!"

And he was so happy, but then some Muslims came and were all angry and said, "Infidels! We kill you for not believing what we believe!"

And the pope said, "Momma-mia! But whata do you believe?"

And Muslims responded, "Well... er.. we'll get back to you on that."

So they got Mohammed to write the Koran so they knew what to kill people for not believing. And thus there was peace in the world... or was it that the status quo prevailed? I get those two confused sometimes.

If you want to learn more about all this, you can read Religion for Dummies, unlike me.

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

Rating: 2.3/5 (25 votes cast)

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May 30, 2003
Frank Answers: Planck Time vs. Miller Time, Ninja Turtles, and Hitting Monkeys with a Car
Posted by Frank J. at 11:38 AM

Robert J. from Gusev Crater, Mars asks:
Is the "Planck time" in any way like "Miller time"?

As we all know, a Planck time is the time it takes a photon going at the speed of light to travel a Planck length. Just to remind you, a Planck length is the scale at which classical ideas about gravity and space-time cease to be valid. This is equal to 1.6x10^-35 meters. It takes a photon 10^-43 seconds to travel this length, and thus 10^-43 is the smallest unit of time that has any actual meaning in physics as we understand it today.

In the end, Planck time is a measurement of time, while the lesser-known Miller time expresses a condition of matter and is not an actual measurement. Miller time is reached with enough proton, electrons, and neutrons come together to form something referred to by physicists as a "fat party animal" which then proceeds to drink beer and dance around. This condition lasts for many times that of Planck time, and has undesirable aftereffects the morning after.

Wind Rider from Baja, Hungary asks:
Do the mutant ninja turtles qualify as real ninjas?

For this questions, it is best to consult the ultimate ninja authority. According to him, these are the essential facts about a ninja:
1. Ninjas are mammals.
2. Ninjas fight ALL the time.
3. The purpose of the ninja is to flip out and kill people.

While fact two and three may be true about ninja turtles, ninja turtles are reptiles, thus going against fact one. Ergo, ninja turtles are not actual ninjas. Their leader, Splinter, is, though.

George S. from Nilandhoo Atoll, Maldives asks:
If I'm traveling in my JATO-assisted 1972 Chevy Impala at the speed of light on a highway in the Arizona desert and I hit a circus truck full of monkeys, might I cause a rift in the space-time continuum such that I create a "Planet of the Apes" scenario in the present (or alternate) universe?

This is a great question, and the fear of this rift and undesired results is the main reason why I obey all traffic laws when driving my Hyundai.

Now, it would be irresponsible to experimentally drive a JATO-assisted 1972 Chevy Impala into a circus truck full of monkeys because if it does cause the "Planet of the Apes" scenario, everyone will be mad at me, including me myself. Thus, I instead tried the experiment on a smaller scale.

First, I obtained the smallest monkey, a Tarsier, and then bough a remote control car from radio shack. I placed the monkey and the car in an empty room so there was nowhere for the monkey to climb away, and then started chasing him with the car. You should have seen the little thing screech and run away! It was hilarious! He was two slow to outrun the car, though, so I kept bumping him. He'd then make these angry little monkey sounds and try and run away again. But SMACK! I'd get him again. Sometimes he'd get a breather because I'd fall to the ground laughing. I really should have filmed the experiment. So what was I trying to prove again?

Heh heh... monkeys are funny.

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

Rating: 2.4/5 (31 votes cast)

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May 29, 2003
Frank Answers: Meat Eating Vegans, Job Advice, and Electrical Engineering is Sweet
Posted by Frank J. at 05:40 PM

WWWaylon from Spielmeck, Lintuvia asks:
If a vegan ate a double cheeseburger, would he or she die?

The best way to answer this question was to trick a vegan into eating a double-cheeseburger. I simply told one vegan that it was in fact a veggie burger with soy cheese. He expressed doubt, saying it looked too edible for that to be true, but I was able to convince him that it was a brand new product that used special soy and lentil mixtures to make a food-like substance that wasn't disgusting. He fell for it, and chowed down the burger. No effects were immediately observed.

I then thought, perhaps knowledge of it being real meat would work as a catalyst. So I informed the vegan, "Hey, that was a real burger made with real cow and cheese from actual cow milk stolen from cows!"

He was horrified, and then blathered on and on about how horrible we are to animals and how much better it is to be a vegan and be one with nature. It got so annoying, I finally punched him, knocking two of his teeth out.

So, eating a double cheeseburger will not kill a vegan, but it will cause injury.

Tal from Chicago, IL asks:
I'm graduating from college in a few weeks and I don't have a job. What should I do?

Not knowing your degree, it's hard to say. I'd recommend back-up rap singer. All you do is say, "Yeah!" and "Uh-huh!" at appropriate intervals while someone else does all the complicated part of rapping. Sounds like little work, and you get all the hos you want.

Nathan Edmonton, Alberta writes:
It's pretty cool that you are a Catholic (I think) engineer like me, but why did you pick the second-nerdiest discipline (electrical)? Everyone knows that civils are much cooler and get all the chicks.

Yes I am a Catholic, but I disagree with you on the discipline of electrical engineering. It's so sweet. You see, I'm a digital engineer, and all I have to know is how to add the numbers 1 and 0 together and I get paid mad money. It's so easy.
0 + 0 = 0
1 + 0 = 1
1 + 1 = ...uh I guess I forgot that one. Well, I probably won't need it on the next circuit I make.

Ah, who am I kidding? I just drink coffee most the day.

Finally, the question on everyone's mind:
When will there be the continuation of In My World: Black Project Insano?

The continuation will be at the next regularly scheduled In My World™, which is Monday. So, will Buck be successful in his fight against the Lintuvians? What is Black Project Insano, and can anyone stop Condoleezza Rice from using it to take over the world? And can Ari keep everything hidden from the wily and sexy Fox News reporter? Find the answers to these questions and more plus a special guest appearance by Michael Moore on Monday.

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

Rating: 2.5/5 (33 votes cast)

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May 27, 2003
Frank Answers: Rocks God Can't (Won't?) Lift, Netscape, and I Like Punch'n
Posted by Frank J. at 11:44 AM

Richard Z. from Kang, Botswana writes:
I was just wondering the other day if God is all-powerful then He can lift
any rock. But if he is all-powerful then He should be able to make a rock
even He couldn't lift. Which leads me to my question: What is the best way
to make a hippy scream in pain?

I'd say it would be for God to drop a giant rock on a hippy's foot. Then the hippy would be like, "Whoa! This is harshing my mellow! Please lift this rock, God!"

And God would be like, "Sorry, dude, the rock is too big; I can't lift it."

"But you're God! You can do anything!"

And God would get all angry. "I know Who I am! You don't tell Me Who I am!"

Then God would take another swig of His divine whiskey and smite more monkeys.

Susie from Cape May, Finland:
Frank, why is it that IE displays your web page perfectly, but Netscape shows it all funky like?

I use Netscape sometime from work, so I realize this problem. Unfortunately, Microsoft paid me a large amount of money to make my website inconvenient to Netscape users. They also threatened my family. So, what was I supposed to do?

Now just give in and only use Microsoft products like the rest of us.

Jay Solo from Quincy, Massachusetts:
Can't we all just get along?

Well, if we all got along, who the hell would I punch? Duh.

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

Rating: 1.8/5 (34 votes cast)

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May 23, 2003
Frank Answers: The Sun, REMF, and Imaginary Numbers
Posted by Frank J. at 12:29 PM

Jason Hannemann from Austin, Texas asks
Is it just me or is the Sun just a big orange bully in the Solar

God I hate the Sun. I'm still peeling from the sunburn I got a couple weeks ago in Miami. So far, I've never heard any advantages about the sun, but I know it gets in my eyes and drives up my electric bill from me having to use AC. And think of all the cool places we could go if the Earth was allowed to float free through the galaxy instead of being pinned in an orbit around the egotistical Sun.

The Sun is not that large for a star, so it probably has an inferiority complex which is why it's such a bully. As soon as I figure out how, I will destroy the sun, and I will be known as Frank, Destroyer of Suns. And I will be feared.

Kevin from an Undisclosed Middle Eastern Country™ asks:
If I'm not paying state or fed taxes because I'm in an area designated as a warzone (Undisclosed Middle Eastern Country™) does that make me a warrior or am I still a REMF?

Good question. To know more, I'd have to ask have you been in a firefight? Have you been near a firefight? Have you heard gunshots in the distance at least? Do you regularly carry a firearm?

Then again, you're in an Undisclosed Middle Eastern Country™, while I'm here in my office eating pizza, so in comparison you seem like freak'n Rambo. And, once you get back to the states, you can walk around in your uniform and tell all the women any stories you want, and they'll have to believe them.

"So one day three Iraqis, real mean Baath party members, charge at me. Big mistake. I take them out with a series of kung-fu moves, finally grabbing their leader from behind and snapping his neck like a tooth pick. A fight like that made me hungry, and luckily it was now lunchtime. The side today was tater-tots covered in gravy, and damn was that good. Now give me some sugar, baby."

Alan Forrester from Oxford, England asks:
What is an imaginary number?

Pure crap is the short answer. No number can be squared and remain negative, so some mathematician made up this number i one day, but who gives a rats ass? Other mathematicians, I guess. Other than to those freaks, it's completely useless.

Okay, so I remember using imaginary numbers in my college class on analog circuits for these things called phazons or phasors, but we engineers just made use of i so the mathematicians wouldn't feel so useless (even though they are).

I'll admit it, the reason I'm so down on imaginary numbers is that they don't let you make up your own. Why can the square root of -1 be an imaginary number, but not one divided by zero. I'd call it imaginary number x. But my eighth grade math teacher told me, "No, you can't make your own imaginary number. Stop trying to divide things by zero."

And I was like, "You f**king bitch! You don't tell me what to do. I'll f**king kill you!"

And then the whole math class tackled me and tried to pry the compass from my hand, but the devil was in me and there was no stopping me. Finally the bell rang, though, and it was time for recess.

Saved by the bell, Mrs. Glogowski. Saved by the bell.

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

Rating: 2.4/5 (30 votes cast)

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May 22, 2003
Frank Answers: Resistors, Midnight Basketball, and Polymers
Posted by Frank J. at 03:33 PM

Dave from Gyrumi, Armenia asks:
Frank, why in a circuit are the resistors numbered the way they are? Is it arbitrary?

Most would say that the numbers on surface mount resistors reflect their resistance, and, a quick check with a multi-meter would seem to confirm this, but the real answer is much more ominous. They really are tags that allow the Zionists conspirators to track and control all electronic devices. Yes, that's right, the Jews control the computer you are using even as we speak. The only defense against this is to install the resistors in backwards.

Jim R. from Werder, Ethiopia asks:
Would "midnight basketball" work for the Iraqi looters and/or the Palestinian bombers?

Midnight basketball has been proven an effective way to reduce crime. In a recent study, serial killers who played midnight basketball, though not less likely to kill, were less serial in their killing. Basketball would probably be a great alternative to looting in Iraq. It also may work for the Palestinian bombers as they will be too tired to get up early and bomb the next morning, and might not get to the mall until it's already closed. I still say mass execution is the best solution for that problem, though. After that, I'd try midnight basketball.

Serenity from Latvia asks:
How are polymers made?

To understand polymers, you have to understand the origin of the word. "Poly" means many, and "Mer" is what one of the three wise guys gave to baby Jesus. I don't know if it was enough mer to be qualified as polymer, but everyone's attention was probably on the gold anyway.

Since the time of Jesus, polymers have become an essential part of human life and surround us every day. Why, even right now a polymer waits behind you, its icy hand slowly reaching for your throat.

Ha! Made you look! Seriously, though, the best way I have found to make polymers is through thinly veiled threats. "There better be a polymer on my desk by the end of the hour or there is going to be some poly-punching!"

I hope that helps.

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

Rating: 2.7/5 (26 votes cast)

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May 21, 2003
Frank Answers: Chicken or Egg, Licking Batteries, and the Flying Frank Fan Club
Posted by Frank J. at 12:31 PM

Dave from Colonia, Uruguay asks:
Which came first: the chicken or the egg?

I never understood why this was considered such a hard question. Eggs predate the chicken by millions of years, harking back to first egg laying fish.

Or is this some sort of creationist thing where God just suddenly created the chicken and it fell from the sky. If that's the case, then He would have made the chicken and not a chicken egg, because the egg would have broke upon impact. That would be cool if that were true and that God still creates creatures that way. You're just sitting in a park, minding your own business, and suddenly this huge dino-creature God just made falls from the sky. I know that's what I would do if I were God; find some large congregation of people and then suddenly create some horrific beast. I'd then laugh my divine ass off as everyone fled in terror. I never was in to the whole "benevolence" thing.

Carrie S. from Everett, WA asks:
Why does it tingle when I put a battery in my mouth?

Well, Carrie, you understand that batteries are a great scientific accomplishment and they cost lots of money. You also understand that to play around and stick them in your mouth is wrong, so that tingle you feel is your conscience. 9-Volt batteries cost more, so your conscience gets really tingly if you put one in your mouth. AA batteries don't cost as much, so licking one just causes your conscience to make your tongue have a salty taste. Now listen to your conscience and stop putting batteries in your mouth.

Ingrid P. from California asks:
Were you aware that there is a small group of teenage girls who would like to marry you?? We were thinking of starting a fan site, but we need more pictures of you.

A fan site of me is a great idea, and, if Ari Fleischer can be a sex symbol, then I sure as hell can. You must be a smart group of girls. Unfortunately, I don't have many other pictures in digital form than those ones I took by holding a camera at arms length. If there is enough interest, maybe I could use some of my donation money booty to pay to get some good pictures done. Other than that, I did find this one of me doing aikido:

I'm the one with the green belt (it was taken a little while ago; I'm a brown belt now). To the untrained eye, it may look like I'm in trouble, but, in reality, I have my opponent exactly where I want him. Let that be a lesson to you: if you attack Frank J., you'll wind up flat on your back while I fly away unharmed. (Hopefully no one knows that that type of throw is sometimes called "The Monkey Throw" as I'm tired of me getting associated with monkeys; I hate monkeys!)

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

Rating: 2.4/5 (27 votes cast)

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May 20, 2003
Frank Answers: Trees, Aerodynamics, and Ninjas
Posted by Frank J. at 12:28 PM

Tom M. from Pyay, Myanmar asks:
If a tree falls in the woods and crushes some tree hugging hippies would they still like the tree's so much?

Great question. I've often wanted to say to some tree huggers blabbing on about how great nature is, "I hate trees."

Then when they ask, "How can you hate trees?"

I'd say, "A tree killed my father," just to see their reactions.

Trees are dangerous creatures. Frequently they like to take others in their deaths, toppling on to man and woodland creature alike. They also are the only other creature than man to use fire to kill; there would never be forest fires if it weren't for trees. And accidentally running off the road would not be such a hazard if it weren't for all the unforgiving trees that constantly line them.

That's why I hate trees, and I would like to think that God, in His infinite wisdom, would grant some sense to the hippy at the moment just before the tree hits him. Then his last thought would be, "Damn you, trees!" before the massive creature crushed his skull in its dying fury.

Sam, supposedly from somewhere in Estonia, writes:
I've always wanted to know what makes planes stay up in the air. Maybe you
can shed some light on this issue?

It's the shape of the wing. You see, the wing is flat on the top, but sloped on the bottom... or maybe it's the other way around. Anyway, the air that goes over the top and the bottom both must past the wing at the same time for some reason, which means that the air going over the sloped surface must move faster. Air moving quicker creates less pressure... or is it more pressure? Anyway, you want more pressure going beneath the wing than on top of the wing; that's I'm pretty sure of.

In short, the way planes fly has something to do with them having wings and there being air.

Poosh from Nanjing, China writes:
For a while now I've noticed a Ninja looking person following me home from school. What the hell do I do? I'm no Samurai and Ninja's are mean and scary. Please Frank, help me defeat this Ninja threat. Oh crumbs! - I can see the Ninja outside in the garden! He's making faces at me! The cheeky murderous rascal!

First of all, don't panic; ninjas sense panic and will hone in on it. Also, make sure you don't get bitten; if a ninja bites you, you become one. Just remember that the ninja is as afraid of you as you are of it.

...no wait; scratch that. The ninja will attack you fearlessly without thought of his own life.

You could climb a tree to get away, but ninjas are good at climbing. Maybe you can get in a car and drive away, but the ninja will probably jump on the car and try to stab you through the ceiling with his ninja sword. You could pull out a gun and shoot the ninja, but that is so dishonorable that we won't even give it a second thought.

You're only real option is to go out there and kung fu fight the ninja, and I think that's a lesson for everyone: You can't run from your ninja forever; eventually you have to take a stand and kung fu fight.

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

Rating: 2.2/5 (26 votes cast)

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May 19, 2003
Frank Answers: Detergent, Mars, and Astronomy
Posted by Frank J. at 12:15 PM

Loren S. of Brod, Czech Republic asks:
Do you think that the success of capitalism over communism has been our ability to get both "new" and "improved" in the same laundry detergent? If so, how long before the ChiComs catch on?

The ability for a detergent to be both "new" and "improved" means nothing in our superior capitalistic society, but it seems paradoxical to the foolish Communists. Detergents and their labeling are a mystery to those lacking a capitalistic orthodoxy, and it shall take the ChiComs some time to figure it out... if ever. And it will be yet another distraction to keep them from working on their neutrons bombs. I say that makes our relation with China both "new" and "improved."

Dick of Samarinda, Indonesia asks:
Does Mars really need women?

No Melbourne, Florida does. Specifically, women in their early twenties. Not that I'm desperate or anything, but does anyone know someone around this area to set me up with. Just asking...

Richard R. of Moabi, Gabon asks:
Since the scientific method is based on experimentation, and you can't do
any experiments on stars, is astronomy a science?

Great questions. Yes, it is true, astronomers are full of crap. "Ooh, by this light spectrum I know the composition of that distant star." Yeah, whatever! Prove it! They can blabber on about anything, because everything they talk about would take millions of years to reach. You'll probably see astronomers lobbying against further space exploration because they don't want to be exposed as the frauds they are.

Astronomy won't be an actual science until we have built a Death Star and can cruise around the galaxy blowing up planets and stars, i.e., actual experimentation. We can also then enslave alien races which will help astronomy somehow too, I believe. Oh, and I get first dibs on a Star Destroyer.

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

Rating: 2.8/5 (27 votes cast)

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May 18, 2003
Frank Answers: Why Frank, Bad Hair, Infinity, and Fritz Needs Your Help
Posted by Frank J. at 12:30 PM

Jim of Yrghyz, Kazakhstan asks:
What were your parents thinking when they decided to name you Frank?

My parents didn't name me Frank; I was given a much more horrible name. I guess it was out of spite, because my father was inflicted with the name as well, as was his father. To follow the tradition, if I one day have a second son, it will become his name. That'll teach the brat.

Todd K. of Camiri, Bolivia asks:
Why did 80's metal bands have such bad hair?

As we all know, music reached its peak in the eighties, and all music afterwards and before it pales in comparison to its synth sounds. God, in His infinite wisdom, could not let things be too perfect, and thus inflicted 80's rockers with bad hair. As the hair changed, though, so did the music, and thus we are inflicted with the bland tunes that are popular today... except for Eminem, that is; he's a genius.

Sandra of Nyala, Sudan writes:
So, I'm homeschooling my 8 year old son and discussing "infinity" when he says: "Ok Mom, so there isn't a number for infinity, just a symbol. So, what is THE NUMBER just before you get to infinity?" He's got me there. So, Frank "What IS the number just before you get to infinity?

That's a great question, and it shows your son is using independent thinking that could one day lead to him being a great scientist or supervillian.

The short answer, of course, is infinity minus one. That's hardly satisfying, though, and the real question can be how do you get from infinity back to finity. Now, I hold the unorthodox view that infinity multiplied by zero equals one, i.e., infinitely everything multiplied by infinitely nothing equals finite. This often gets me shouted down at conferences of mathematicians where they say things like, "You're not a mathematician, you're just some idiot who snuck in here," and "Hey, aren't you that psycho who was spouting on about Optimus Prime last conference?"

Their jibes won't stop me in my quest for mathematical truth, though. One thing to keep in mind it that there are different sizes of infinity; for example, the infinite amount of integers is a smaller infinity than the infinite amount of irrational numbers. Corresponding to this, there are different levels of zero, some zeros more zero than others. You may be saying I'm getting zero confused with infinitesimals, but to that I say, "Feh." (for those of you who don't know what an infinitesimal is, just know that it's a mathematical term that I know and you don't which makes me smarter).

So, in answer to your question, the greatest finite number is the largest infinity (the most infinite infinity) multiplied by the least zero (the least zero of all zeros).

Your son may now be saying, "That's just a bunch of gobbledygook; this Frank J. is full of s**t." Smack him and wash his mouth out with soap.

UPDATE: Two more questions.

Wind Rider from Baja, Hungary asks:
Hey Frank, do people send in these questions or do you just make them up?

So far, I have yet to make up a question (they are edited for grammar, though).

Fritz from Choyr, Mongolia writes:
Former Clinton advisors, James Carville and Mary Matalin will be lecturing at the Monterey Conference Center tomorrow as part of the Sixth Annual Panetta Lecture Series. The topic is "Politics and People During Crisis." During the brief Q&A session, I will be able to ask them ONE question. What should I ask them? Perhaps you and your readers can help.

I'd ask them the infinite number question, but perhaps my readers have some better suggestions. Please put them in the comments to help out Fritz; he needs the question by tomorrow.

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

Rating: 2.3/5 (35 votes cast)

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May 16, 2003
Frank Answers: Satan, Parallel Universes, Bumpy Aliens, and Stinky, Smelly Anti-Matter
Posted by Frank J. at 10:42 AM

My weekend as already started, and I need to cut my blogging a bit so I can get other things done (such as seeing The Matrix). So here is another addition of everyone's favorite new feature (you love it): Frank Answers™!

Steve S. asks:
While we're on the subject of God and Satan, what's up the whole Satan thing anyway? He and God used to be best buddies but something happened. Nobody ever says exactly what. Now Satan is running around causing more grief than a barrel of . If I was an omnipotent being, I wouldn't put up with that kind of s**t. I'd kick Satan's ass once and for all. What's the deal?

Well, I can never usually get God for a direct quote, or even get a statement from his publicist. Satan, on the other hand, was perfectly available for comment:

"Thanks for letting me have this opportunity to speak. Usually everyone always hears only bad things about me, and I hardly get to put forth my side of story. Now what the original spat was over is that God is a complete control freak, giving little input to those working under him. I simply couldn't abide by that any longer, and simply asked for more respect. He was completely unwilling to give even an inch, so a number of other angels and I just walked out. And get that straight, we weren't tossed from Heaven; we left.

"Yes, I have been working to undermine God, exploiting the flaws in His creations, but that's just because it simply is time for new management. Now, you ask, why doesn't God do anything about me? That because He's got this whole fix on 'free will'. All I ever do is suggest this or that to people, but they make the choice themselves in the end. You can go about like mindless sheep, following the arbitrary rules God made, or you can rebel and do as you please like me; that's your choice. God is just a total egomaniac and thinks everyone will choose Him in the end, and that's His downfall.

"And God never could destroy me; He never destroys anything. God's like the ultimate packrat. Were He ever to destroy something, that would be to admit a mistake, and you know how God could never admit to a mistake. You see, even I'm supposed to be part of his 'grand scheme of things'… like He actually has any plan at all.

"Anyway, don't buy that bullsh**t about how hell is some terrible place or something. Yeah, if you're all hung up on 'loving God', you probably won't like it, but, for everyone else, this place kicks ass. It's totally free from His dominion, and gives us a place to plot His downfall. Now, I'm not asking anyone to worship me, but just follow my lead. Reject God and then..."

Hey, no recruiting speeches; I don't want to get charged with blasphemy again. Anyway, I would like to remind all our readers that Satan is the king of lies and...

"Hey, that's not really fair. In fact..."

Get your own blog, dude.

Next question.

Chuckpro asks:
Huxley or Orwell, who's right???

Orwell was right; it's 8 ounces to a cup, not 16 like Huxley said. He was thinking of ounces in a pound.

Alan F. asks:
Do parallel universes exist?

Pretty much all the scientists agree that there are parallel universes (at least all the cool ones, like me). According to the latest issue of Scientific American (which smart people like me read) about 10 to the 10 to the 28 meters away there is a doppelganger of me also answering asinine questions. Does this mean that if we get bored, we could go attack Iraq in another universe? No, because alternate universe America already took care of them, as I assume America kicks ass in any universe.

So the question is, could I team up with Frank J. from other universes to take over one universe, and then eventually others? That's a good questions I just asked myself. Hmm, no, because if I left this universe for another, so would that Frank. We could meet in between universes, but each time we'd try to talk we'd say the exact same things at the same time. We'd probably get mad and punch each other, both striking each other in the head at the same time. Then we'd sue each other for assault, each of our lawyers using the exact same arguments. I assume the jury would be deadlocked.

It's mind boggling.

Clint asks:
How come in original Star Trek the Klingons had smooth heads, while in the new Star Trek the Klingons have bumpy heads?

That's really more of a make-up question. Back when the old series was made, they wanted the Klingons to be more distinctive, but didn't have the capabilities to do anything other than give them beards. They were able to make Spock’s ears pointy, which started the principle that aliens are just like us, but with extraneous features on their face.

In the newer Star Treks, make-up technology advanced enough to now have the full principle of aliens in the Star Trek universe: aliens are just like us but bumpier. They have bumps on their foreheads, little bumps on their noses, or bumpy things along their necks and such. That makes me wonder if the other aliens look at us and go, "Wow, they’re just like us, but not as bumpy." We'll never know that feeling, though, because all other aliens than us are bumpier.

Clint also asks:
What kind of engineer is Scotty?

A Scottish one.

Hermetic asks:
Why is there more matter than anti-matter?

In a post some time ago, I thought about this weird asymmetry. Now that I'm months older and smarter, I can answer this question in its entirety.

Long long ago, when the universe was young and life did not exist as we know it, there was the Matter Wars, between the heroic normal matter and the stinky, smelly forces of anti-matter. There were some who said anti-matter was just as equal as matter, but they were hung for being jackasses. You see, our matter is the best, and anti-matter is stupid and gay. In the Matter Wars, there were, of course, a lot of suicide bombings, since all someone had to do was touch someone of the opposite matter and then there would be like a huge explosion. How we, the real matter, eventually won, was by telling the anti-matter people we wanted to have a truce. We then tricked the dumbasses to coming to a matter planet to negotiate, and then they all blew up when they landed. Stupid anti-matter people. We then banished them far far away, where we never have to worry about them, even though they continue to plot to this day, waiting for the right time to strike again, killing us all and...

Yay! My coffee is done brewing.

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers". If I didn't use your question today, I still may use it later. New name policy, though. Currently I've been using people's first name and last initial if I don't know you from another blog, but now sign your e-mail with what name you want me to use, and also include where you are from. If you have a blog, include that link and I'll link to it if I use your question.

Rating: 2.3/5 (28 votes cast)

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May 15, 2003
Frank Answers: Bloodstains, More Primes (Yay!), and Eww...
Posted by Frank J. at 10:13 AM

Dave S. asks:
What's the best way to get bloodstains out of clothing?

Usually if I get blood on my clothing, I just burn the clothes and then bury the ashes in some remote location. This is much smarter than trying to clean them as any defense attorney will tell you. Still, maybe the clothing has some sort of sentimental value and you just can't bring yourself to burn them, and thus you want to remove the bloodstain without harming the fabric.

Well, the method to do that is pretty simple when you know how. For every blood type, there is a plus and a minus version. So, first determine what type of blood is on the clothing. If, for instance, it's B+, then you'll need B- for the cleaning process. How do you get the blood, you ask? Just go to a blood bank and fake that you're dying. When they bring the blood out for you, grab it and run away while laughing (laughing makes you run faster). Now, apply an equal amount of B- blood to the B+ blood and they'll cancel out in a small explosion.

Or you could just use that OxyClean stuff that guy on the T.V. yells about.

My answer about primes brought up some more questions. 006 asked:
Is the greatest prime number called Optimus Prime?
And my brother, Joe foo' the Marine, asked:
Where does the Prime Directive fit into all of this? Does it supersede Optimus Prime?

Great questions. Optimus Prime is actually a super being composed completely of primes numbers who rules the world of mathematics with an iron fist. His ultimate goal is to break into our world and enslave us with all with his indivisible prime numbers.

The Prime Directive was established to stop Optimus Prime. It created a special forces group of mathematicians who are armed with M-16's and graphing calculators to destroy any prime numbers that break the seal between our two worlds. Being part of the Prime Directive is very common for math majors, which is why most colleges require a number of weapons courses to get a degree in mathematics.

Michele of A Small Victory asks:
I can't remember if I took my tampon out before I put the other one
in. What do I do now?

Eww. No feminine hygiene questions.

Anyway, I'm pretty sure you'll die. Better have all the traffic from your site redirected to mine in case of death. Actually, that should be in the will of all bloggers, especially the puppy blender. Not that I have some elaborate death worked out for him involving a trench filled with flesh-eating ants, but I'm just saying.

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers". If I didn't use your question today, I still may use it later. The better your questions, the funnier I am. I especially like science questions.

Rating: 2.6/5 (28 votes cast)

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May 14, 2003
Frank Answers: Sexual Favors, Primes, and Why Liberals?
Posted by Frank J. at 09:29 AM

Courtney asks:
What will it take to get you to link my site? Does it involve sexual favors?

Great question. I've been getting more stingy with my blogroll, as, in reality, I have little time to read other blogs and may reduce the size of the blogroll in the future to a more select list of blogs. That said, usually a prerequiste for being added to my blogroll is having a link to me on your main page, which you do not. Then again, you are pretty cute, so I think I'll let that go and just take the sexual favors.

George S. asks:
Are there an infinite number of prime numbers?

Dear God, I hope not. As we all know, prime number are numbers that are only divisible by themselves and one, though one is not classified as a prime number because mathematicians just felt like being mean to it. Two is a prime number, and, since it divides half of all integers, it ruins all their chances of being primes. Plus, it like, "I'm the only even number that's a prime. I'm so special." F**k two. Two is an asshole.

Anyway, primes have always been somewhat a mathematical mystery, and no equation has ever been developed that describes their odd distribution. Perhaps they aren't infinite, and do run out at some point, but some very large primes have been found, one's so large that you've be like, "Wow, that's a big prime? Are you sure you tried dividing it with seven."

And they'd be like, "Yeah, dude, we did. That didn't work."

And, these primes being indivisible are utterly unstoppable. One day they may break from their world of mathematics and wreak havoc in ours, and nothing could destroy or reduce them. That's why I'm trying to make up some new special numbers that are able to reduce primes. I've named them after the Three Stooges. Right now, most mathematicians won't listen to me - some even have restraining orders - but we have to stop the primes before it is too late.

If you want to learn more about primes, John Derbyshire of National Review fame has written a book called Prime Obsessions, but I wouldn't read it because reading about math is for geeks.

But it's so interesting...

No, it's for geeks, and Frank is cool.

Acidman asks:
I was gonna ask you a question, but I forgot what it was. Do YOU remember?

Yeah... I think so. Was it about macramé? No. Was it what are the standard features on the Hyundai Sonata? No, I don't think that was it.

Now I remember! Your question was, "Where is my shirt?" The answers is it’s lying somewhere in your backyard.

Christopher M. asks:
Why do Liberals exist?

Just as there is a God and there is Satan, just as there is good and there is evil, just as there is happiness and there is misery, there are those who bathe regularly, have basic common sense, and aren't whiny little bitches and there are Liberals.

And thus there ever will be Liberals, and our fight against them is never ending. Battles can be fought and won, but the war itself will never be over and can only be lost by us giving up the fight. Thus we must battle on every day in every action for the just cause, and take our pleasure not in our progress towards an ultimate victory, but in the fight itself.

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers". If I didn't use your question today, I still may use it later. Please, no nonsensical question, and I'm almost getting ready to say no questions that mention monkeys.

I hate monkeys.

Rating: 2.5/5 (27 votes cast)

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May 13, 2003
Frank Answers: Electricity, Lights, Hot Ice, and Tootsie-Pops
Posted by Frank J. at 08:32 AM

Jason H. asks:
Frank, why is it that so many Arab countries desire nuclear reactors for their "energy needs" when they are sitting on almost all of the world's oil reserves? What's up? Are they too good for their own oil?

Great question. I think you’re confusing electrical energy with mechaphysical energy, which is a word I just made up. You see, oil can be used to make car engines work but that's not electricity. Could you ever imagine pouring oil into your T.V. to make it run? That's silly. The only things that can actually make electricity are nuclear energy, coal, and God (in the form of lightning bolts which He usually uses to smite His most hated creature, the tree). There's a government conspiracy to make people think that the sun can make electricity, but that's just crazy. If you pull open a "solar" calculator, you'll find coal inside.

The problem is that, while Arab countries have plenty of oil, they don't have lots of coal. So they need nuclear energy to power their modern metropolises. And, if they cross their hearts and hope to die when promising to not try and use their nuclear plants to make bombs, that's good enough for me.

Bill M. asks:
Will hot water freeze?

Yes, if you put enough pressure on it, it will be forced into a solid form. You can do this by taking hot water and smashing it with a hammer. Yeah! Smash it good! Then you'll have hot ice, which can make a great practical joke. If someone has a bump on the head, give him the hot ice in the bag as and he'll be like, "Ah! It burns!"

Having friends is overrated.

Dave asks:
Where does the light go when the lights go out?

For this question, I'll ask being of pure energy and my bitch, Thantor.

"To answer your question, puny human, the light comes to me, Thantor! Every time someone turns off a light as they leave a room, my power grows that much stronger! As energy efficiency spreads, I'll soon be powerful enough to escape my prison and destroy your world! Muh ha ha ha ha ho hee har ha ha ho ho hee hee har har ho ha ho..."

That's enough, Thantor.

"Okay, but I also know lots of sports trivia if you have any sports questions."

Uh... I'll keep that in mind.

"I was thinking..."

Hey, I'll call you if you I need more help.


Serenity asks:
Are you going to answer my other questions someday?

No. Your questions were gay.

Aww… okay, I'll answer one.

Serenity also asks:
How many licks DOES it take to reach the center of a Tootsie-Roll Tootsie-Pop?

"Only I, Thantor, know the mystery of the Tootsie-Pop! Muh ha ha ha..."

Scram! I'm serious!

Anyway, the best way to solve this conundrum is to use the scientific method.

Okay, let me take my first lick.

Hmm, still separated from that chewy, chocolaty center. Proceed to second lick.

It seems I'm nowhere closer to the tasty center that now beckons me, that haunts my soul. Stay strong, Frank. Third lick.

Ahh! It seems I will never reach the chocolate treasure inside. Must resist! Must resist... but its pull is too strong...


I'm sorry; I guess the world will never know.

Hey, what do you expect from me?

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers". If I didn't use your question today, I still may use it later. Keep your questions simple, and, remember, it's my job to make the jokes.

Rating: 3.0/5 (27 votes cast)

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May 12, 2003
Frank Answers: Shape of the Universe, Why I'm a Stud, and My Horrible Secret!
Posted by Frank J. at 08:47 AM

Catlin W. writes:
Dear Frank, I'm a 15 year old girl and I was just wondering, why are conservatives such studs and liberals such pussies?

Though there are some exceptions (such as John Collins), most conservatives, such as me and Donald Rumsfeld are total studs, while liberals are a bunch of little pussies. That's because liberalism goes completely against manliness, as it is all about whining about how unfair things are and worrying about offending people. Conservatives, on the other hand, don't whine; they just kick, punch, and shoot things when they don't like the situation. And we don't worry about "offending" someone; if someone feels offended by me, they can wait for me out side and we can settle it mano-e-mano.

That's why all the ladies are like, "Frank, you're almost too manly."

And I'm like, "Don't worry, baby, I can be gentle too."

"Tell me again about your views on fiscal policy."

"I just like less taxes so I have more money to spend on the ladies."

"Oh, Frank, take me now and talk dirty to me about family values!"

...Uh, I think I strayed off topic. Anyway, I hope I answered your question, Catlin.

George S. asks:
Is the Universe expanding or contracting?

Great question. To answer this, one must first determine what type of universe we have. The possibilities are a closed universe (positive curvature) which is finite, a flat universe (zero curvature) which is infinite, or an open universe (negative curvature) which is also infinite. If the universe is infinite, then it will always be expanding. If it is finite, it will eventually contract and collapse upon itself. So how do we know what type of universe it is? That is found by measuring the universe's critical density. By the best measurements so far, the critical density is surprising close to that of a flat universe (zero curvature). Of all the infinite possibilities of curvature that the universe could have, it seems more than a coincidence that measurements point towards a flat universe. If you take dark matter into account...

Sorry, I just cracked up; all that stuff I wrote before was just total BS I made up as a joke. Sorry to be jerking you around like that. Now to actually answer your question, the universe is similar to that represented in the game Asteroids. When you fly your ship towards one side, you come out the opposite side. This makes the universe doughnut shaped. How can we be certain the universe is doughnut shaped? Well, for one thing, doughnuts are yummy. Plus, doughnuts are the same shape as bagels, thus the universe’s shape fits with the Zionist conspiracy. Also, the game Asteroids is still addictive after all these years, so that has to mean something.

So think of the big bang as one asteroid being destroyed at the center of the screen and breaking into four pieces that fly outwards. That's the universe expanding. Eventually the pieces will reach the edges of the screen and the come out the opposite sides, heading back towards the center - a collapsing universe. Sometimes a UFO will appear. If you shoot that, you get extra points. So, the universe will expand until all the galaxies go out one side of the screen and then it will suddenly start contracting.

Still, that leaves the question open to which state are we in now. I believe currently the universe is expanding, because I think I remember some guy telling me that once.

Venomous Kate asks:
Why are you not reading my blog on a religious basis?

Well... uh... the reasons are three fold. Uh... it's like...

Okay! I admit it! I'm completely illiterate! Somehow I faked my way through high school and college to get a degree in Electrical and Computer Engineering by looking at the pretty pictures in the books. I write this entire blog by using voice dictations software. There, now you know. I hope you're happy. Excuse me while I cry myself to sleep (for a one hour power-nap) period

I meant to write the. Mark, not the word. Argh! You stupid software! I'm just yelling at you; stop writing what I am saying. Backspace backspace delete. Ah, Dammit! May you burn in the fiery depths of Hades!

Damn Microsoft! It's probably going to freeze now and

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers". If I didn't use your question today, I still may use it later.

Rating: 2.4/5 (22 votes cast)

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May 11, 2003
Frank Answers: Ninjas, Irresistible Forces, Light Bulbs, and You're the Pussy
Posted by Frank J. at 11:34 AM

Victor S. asks:
Have there been any attempts at a Ninjatocracy in any world governments? If so, why haven't they been reeking havoc and reported in world media? Cover up? If not, please explain why this most utopian of societies would have failed.

The Ninjatocracy is an old form of government, and it was only tried for one period of time in human history: 235 B.C. to 165 D.E. in China. Leadership was chosen by who could best flip out and cut people's heads off. Their economy was supported by going into other countries, flipping out and killing everyone, and then taking whatever they needed. It was totally sweet. They also stole booty from their arch-nemesis, the pirates.

What finally ended the Ninjatocracy was they went to Japan and pissed off some badass samurai. Samurai kick ass. The samurai went like SLICE! SLICE! STAB! and took out all the ninjas. I want to be a samurai when I grow up.

For more information on ninjas, consult the ninja authority.

John Collins of Pave France asks:
Why are you such a pussy? Were you born a pussy, or did you just hang out with a lot of French people as a child?

I'm not a pussy; you're a pussy, pussy. Why don't you go back to your pussy weblog and write some pussy posts about what a pussy you are, pussy.

Thanks for the question.

Odie asks:
What happens if an irresistible force hits an unmovable object (Michael
Moore for example)?

First off, I make the jokes here. Michael Moore is not an unmovable object, because he is quite moveable by the smell of cooked pork.

I've gotten a lot of variations of this question, so people must think it's a really hard question, but I don't see what's so complicated about it. If an irresistible force hits and unmovable object, the unmovable object would change color. Probably to purple; if it was purple, then to some other color.

Now ask me a hard question.

Richard R. asks:
Why do light bulbs screw in clockwise?

The short answer is that when the dead body of Thomas Edison was found, next to him was a shattered light bulb and the message "only clockwise" scratched into the desk. I could just leave the answer there, but I wanted to know why Edison left such a warning.

So how can I screw a light bulb in counter-clockwise? The answer is, just push really really hard. With a lot of force, I pressed inward and twisted counter-clockwise, eventually mangling the metal guides enough to have the light bulb in far enough to make contact. I then plugged the lamp into a socket controlled by a light switch. I stood there for a while, marveling the unique entity I had, the only lamp with a light bulb screwed in counter clockwise. Then I flipped the light switch.

Instead of light, a black vortex emerged from the lamp, and out emerged electricity in a humanoid form. "I am Thantor, being of pure energy and conqueror of worlds!" it announced, the sound of its voice emanating from its entire body like it was one large speaker, "You have released me from my prison. Now I shall kill you just as I killed Edison and then destroy this puny world!"

"Dag-nabbit," was all I could think of to say in response. I then immediately grabbed the nearest gun. This being my guest room, it was only a 9mm (I never really contemplated home attacks while in the guest room - especially not by beings of pure energy). I fired my Walther P99 at Thantor, but the bullets disintegrated on contact.

"Your puny, German-engineered weapon is no match for my power!" it laughed.

I then tossed the gun at its head. "Ow! You wanker!" it yelled, clutching its electric face. I then ran out of the room. "Yes, run, puny human!" it mocked, "Delay your inevitable death."

But I wasn't going to run for long. I had just had my ass handed to me by a platypus, a three-toed sloth, and Glenn Reynolds, so I had something to prove. I put on my rubber raincoat and rubber kitchen gloves to protect me from the electricity (ha, and my mom thought I would never use them). I then took a couple Chi breaths to prepare for battle, and ran back into the room.

"Rarr!" I shouted, trying to summon in me the homicidal rage of my hero Donald Rumsfeld. I then came at Thantor with a flurry of punches. "Being of pure energy?" I yelled, "Now you're going to be a being of pure pain!"

Thantor feebly tried to fight back, throwing a punch at me, but I used the momentum to shoulder throw him back into the vortex. I then quickly leapt for the light switch and ended the nightmare.

Grabbing a hammer, I smashed that light bulb. That was fun, so I took out some more light bulbs and smashed them too. Now I have to go to the store and buy some more spare light bulbs.

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers". If I didn't use your question today, I still may use it later.

Rating: 2.2/5 (36 votes cast)

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May 10, 2003
Frank Answers: Palestinian Peace, De-Frenchitizing, and the Ultimate Match Up
Posted by Frank J. at 10:17 AM

Elliot Temple ask:
Is Abu Mazen good or bad? What about the roadmap thing?

As we all know, having just google searched the name, Abu Mazen is the new prime minister of Palestine. I was very hopeful he was a good man, but then I found out he was a Palestinian; they like to blow up people and are bad. If the Palestinians want good leadership, they should elect a nice Jewish boy.

As for the roadmap, from the context of your question I assume you're talking about the roadmap in the pocket behind the driver seat in my car. I never use it because I just chart my courses using Mapquest. Hell, I don't know how anyone got anywhere before Mapquest. Just glad I didn't live in those dark ages.

Chaos Overlord asks:
I have French ancestry. What can I do to eliminate this lameness?

First, I am very sorry for you. Many people have some French ancestry in them, and constantly feel cowardice and snootiness bubbling through their veins. Until there is some gene-therapy to take care of it for good, one has to constantly take steps throughout their life to suppress their French instincts. The first and best step is to shower every day. One will probably feel most French in the morning, but a shower should take care of that. Also, try being nice to people. The French in you will make you want to ridicule and be arrogant to everyone, but you must fight it and be nice. Make sure to avoid drinking wine; stick to just domestic beers and the occasional whiskey shot. Also, avoid watching or engaging in soccer; stick to American sports like football, baseball, basketball, and beating the crap out of each other.

Follow this advice, and your Frenchiness should be suppressed to the point you don't even notice it at all, but there is one last thing: you can never, ever surrender. It doesn't matter if a swat team has you cornered or the enemy is ambushing you from all sides; if you surrender, the French in you will automatically bubble to the surface. And, if the choice is between being French and death, I think you know which is more desirable.

Finally, Hutch asks:
In a battle to the death which would win and how: A duck-billed platypus or a three-toed sloth?

This would be easy to answer if this were a duck-billed platypus (is there another kind of platypus?) versus a two-toed sloth, but the sloth having a third toe makes this more of an even match up. The easiest way to answer this would be to place the sloth and platypus in an arena and videotape what happens, but, unfortunately, I only have access to a three-toed sloth on Tuesdays and Thursdays and to a platypus on Mondays and Wednesdays. Thus, I am forced to test each of their fighting skills separately and predict the match up from that.

First I tested the platypus. The male platypus actually has a toxic spur - one of the only poisonous mammal I know of. Actually, combining that with how they lay eggs and have the bills of ducks, these are some freakish creatures. It's like how drunk was God when He made them?

I'm kidding! Don't smite me!

Anyway, first I had to provoke the platypus, and that's pretty easy to do because you know this freak of nature must be pretty insecure. So I yelled, "Hey, you walking freak show, I'm going to make sure they no longer classify you as a mammal, because I'll be damned if I have a weirdo like you share the same Class as me." This enraged the platypus, and he waddled right for me. First I stepped on his duckbill and started punching him, just like I assumed a sloth would. I was beating the hell out of the stupid thing, but then it got me with its toxin, and goddamn that hurt! I was rolling on the ground in pain, and then the platypus began to nibble me to death with its duckbill. Luckily some zookeepers dragged me out of there.

Next I had to test the skills of a three-toed sloth. They're usually quite sluggish, but, when threatened, they can be downright torpid. First, I took a stick and started whacking the hell out of the lazy bastard, but he just ignored me. Then I spat at him and yelled, "Hey, you lazy bum, get a job!" Again, no reaction. Finally, I remembered a National Geographic special I watched a long time ago that said that sloths are notoriously homophobic. So I said, "Hey, who's that other sloth over there? Is he your boyfriend?"

The sloth was on me like a bat out of hell, its three toes in a death grip around my neck. Using all my strength, I was able to pry away two of the toes, but I just couldn't get that damned third toe! I could feel my life fading, but finally four zookeepers with cattle prods were able to get the beast off me. It still hurts to swallow.

Anyway, back to the question: so who would win in a fight between the platypus and the sloth. I have to say the platypus, because it's got more to lose, being how freakish and hated it is.

What's that at the door? Oh my God! It found where I live...

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers". If I didn't use your question today, I still may use it later. Also, try to keep the questions simple and to the point.

Rating: 2.6/5 (20 votes cast)

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May 09, 2003
Frank Answers: Woodchuck, Duck, and What the...
Posted by Frank J. at 08:17 AM

Ryan B. asks:
Frank just out of curiosity, how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

We all know that woodchucks do not chuck wood, and usually I would stay away from hypotheticals, but, if you accept the assumption that a woodchuck would chuck all the wood it could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood, the question is answerable. Thus, the main factor to take into consideration is a woodchuck's endurance. To measure this, you put a woodchuck on a treadmill running at 10mph with a cattle prod threatening it if it slows down. Now, take the number of seconds the woodchuck lasted and multiply that by the woodchuck factor. This is an irrational number, being approximately .038215 kilograms a second. When you multiply the two, you'll get how many kilograms of wood a woodchuck would chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood (which, I remind you, it can't). Sorry for the answer being in metrics, but it's the custom in the scientific community to use metrics when answering hypotheticals about woodchucks.

Bane asks:
How come people use f**k when they mean to say f**k? Isn’t everybody wise to this by now?

I'm sorry; I have no clue what you’re talking about. You have to fill those stars in with actually letters. This isn't a grep program.

David G. asks:
If you are in a car traveling at the speed of light, and you turn your blinkers on, do they do anything?

You know that as soon as you finally get your Hyundai up to the speed of light, there's going to be some jerk riding your ass who wants to do the speed of light plus five miles per hour. Now, this creates a dangerous situation for both of you, because, if you see a squirrel and have to slam on your brakes, you're both screwed. So, you finally decide to signal your move to the right lane to let the guy pass, but the question is will your blinkers work at the speed of light? By the theory of relativity, this depends entirely on your speed as relative to the asshole behind you. Even though he's in no real rush, he thinks you're going like 30mph, and, at 30mph, your blinkers will work. So, the answer to your question is yes.

David G. also asks:
What is the difference between a duck?

To most, this sounds like a nonsensical question, but it is actually a protolanphismal question. Now, I'm sure you're not familiar with the concept of protolanphism, as it is very complicated, so complicated that most dictionaries omit the word because trying to explain it would actually double the size of the dictionary. But, of course, I do know the concept and can tell you with quite certainty that the answer is Eddie Murphy.

NOTE: If you understood protolanphism, you'd know that the joke behind this answer is much more blasphemous than that answer in my previous Frank Answers™.

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers". If I didn't use your question today, I still may use it later (I need to pace myself). Also, I have a subscription to Scientific America, and sometimes I actually read it, so I really like science questions.

Rating: 2.3/5 (28 votes cast)

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May 08, 2003
Frank Answers: Moore, More, Gravity, and Doggy Heaven
Posted by Frank J. at 08:56 AM

It's time for the first addition of Frank Answers! Let's get to the questions:

Joel F. asks:
If a doughnut falls in the forest and nobody's around will Michael Moore
still find it, rub it into his skin, and then devour it?

Now Moore has more of look of a guy who was just rummaging through a dumpster looking for a half-eaten sandwich than someone who is lost in a forest eating grubs and bear droppings. Plus, it's hard to imagine Moore having any reason to go out into a forest unless someone convinced him that deer were NRA supporters or involved with corporate interests. Finally, with all the hunters around who don't like Moore, it would be very easy for an "accident" to happen in a forest, and Moore does have simple instincts that involve life preservation. So, with all the evidence against him ever being in a forest, to your answer, Joel, I would have to say no.

Richard R. asks:
What is the speed of gravity?

I have wondered if a star were to suddenly disappear, would its gravitational effects on Earth instantly disappear, thus showing that gravity works instantaneously. But, from watching numerous documentaries on the coyote and roadrunner, I've seen that many times a coyote may run off a cliff and there is a delay until he starts to fall. This shows that gravity does not have an infinite speed as its effect are not instantaneous as it takes time for gravity to reach an object of mass. So what is the speed? What I did was make a simple experiment where I placed a gerbil in a small centrifuge, subjecting it to four times the force of gravity. I then placed the centrifuge in the microwave and set the power at 50%. The result was that the gerbil exploded after 26.35 seconds. Since I would like to keep this segment accessible to the layman, I'll just say that the resultant calculations based on that evidence shows conclusively that the speed of gravity is between 8 and 8 billion miles per hour, give or take twenty orders of magnitude.

Paul asks:
Why is two more than one?

This was actually decided by Willy J. Puffypants, one of the main founders of modern mathematics. This was quite similar to when Benjamin Franklin chose to label one direction of electric flow as positive and the other negative. While many think in retrospect that Franklin's choice was not the best when further knowledge was gained about electricity, most still think Willy J. Puffypants chose most appropriately when he said that two is more than one. I would be remiss, though, if I were not to remind you that one can be greater than two for especially large values of one.

Paul also asks:
What's up with all the monkey stuff, it makes me and my simian friends a bit nervous..

I hate monkeys and yet they haunt my dreams. I will speak no further of this.

Bill Whittle asks:
Why don't you DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The answer to this is that I am very wily and quicker than many may think. If you were ever to come after me, Bill, I assure you your next essay would be entitled "Ass Whup'n", and my beating of you would be extensive enough to give you more than enough material to write 9,000 words about it like with your usual essays.

Finally, Laurence Simon asks:
Is there a Doggy Heaven?

Now, we all know of the movie All Dogs Go to Heaven, but I'm not sure how much research they did before making the title of the film. So, it was up to me to do my own experiments on the subject. So I wrote an e-mail to John Edwards who talks to the dead for his opinion. I got back a form letter saying that Sen. Edwards is not that John Edwards and telling me that I'm a jackass. What a jerk. I hope he wins the primary so he can have a humiliating defeat against Bush in 2004.

Next, I obtained a dog and then stopped his heart, making him technically dead for a minute’s length. I then asked him about his experience, and he bit me. Thus, the experiment was inconclusive.

Finally, I had a lab assistant stop my own heart temporarily. I found myself at the gates of Heaven, and there stood Jesus.

"The time of your judgment has come," thus spake Jesus, "and now I shall..."

"Sorry to interrupt, Jesus, but I'm only here temporarily," I informed Him, "You see, Laurence Simon wanted to know if there is a Doggy Heaven, and I knew you'd have the answer."

"Yes, and the answer is... Wait a second; did you say 'Laurence Simon'? He's a Jew, and he'll just use this information for the Zionist conspiracy."

"What are you talking about?"

"Hey, I already have enough problem dealing with dead Iraqis since those bagel eating neoconservatives tricked Bush into attacking Iraq."

"Oh my God, Jesus, you're like a total anti-Semite!"

"Hey, just because someone raises legitimate questions about whether the Holocaust happened, doesn't make him an 'anti-Semite'."

"How can you be a Holocaust denier? You must have met all the dead people."

"Yeah, but I think they were lying about how they died as part of their Zionist conspiracy. It's all so they can oppress the peaceful Palestinians and..."

At this point, Jesus started cracking up, and I knew he was just pulling my leg. "You're such a rascal, Jesus."

"I had you going there, didn't I, though?"

"Yeah. I was thinking, 'Man, this Jesus is an asshole. I think maybe I'll become a Buddhist."

"Sorry, but I just love playing jokes on people. You should see how much I mind-f**k the atheists."

"Anyway, the question."

"Oh yes. In answer to your quandary, my child..."

Then I woke back up from the brink of death. Once again, my experiment was inconclusive, but I have to say that Jesus is a fun guy, and I can't wait for the second coming.

In the end, I'll just have to go with what popular media says, and, since dogs are such loyal companions to humans, there is a Doggie Heaven and all dogs go to it. One thus must also conclude that there is a Cat Hell and that all cats go to it since they are demon creatures with slit eyes.

* * * *

Please comment on if you liked this segment. In the future, I plan on answering fewer questions at a time, but I will do these in addition to my normal post of the day. If I didn't get to your questions this time, don't worry; I may answer it next time. Until then, e-mail more questions with the subject "Frank Answers".

Rating: 2.8/5 (29 votes cast)

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