"In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. And He did despair, for in His omniscience, He did know that His creations had but three-fifths of the splendor of that which would be IMAO."
-No One of Consequence
"A blogger with a sense of humor."
-Some Woman on MSNBC
Jonah Goldberg's finally finished and released his book Liberal Fascism: The Secret History of the American Left, From Mussolini to the Politics of Meaning. People seem to love Liberal Fascism (Goldberg has a whole blog to keep track of reactions; apparently some liberals are hostile to it) as its been selling out everywhere and even Amazon.com ran out of stock. Actually, it's kinda pointless telling you about it since you can't buy it. Still, I decided to interview Jonah Goldberg to see if I could get a free copy out of the deal (I'm still waiting).
Q. You seem to be doing a great service to liberals by pointing out their fascistic tendencies. I know if I were doing fascist things, I'd like someone to point it out so I could stop. How grateful have liberals been thus far?
I've been told that in some cultures, huge piles of dog feces wrapped in burning brown paper and comments on the promiscuity of relatives on your matrilineal line are considered enormous compliments. So by that standard, things are great!
Unfortunately, we don't live in one of those cultures.
Q. One great way to stop liberals from being fascists would be to round them up into camps. What should be the activities at these camps? Wallet-making? Canoeing? Something else?
I don't want to send anyone to camps, just for the record. But at Camp Kenwood, when I was a lad, we had a grand time playing water polo with a watermelon slathered in lard. For what that's worth.
Q. Some people may find it surprising to call liberals fascists, especially anyone who has never been on a college campus, since liberals just want to help the poor. Why do you hate the poor? Is it their smell?
Poor people don't buy books as much as rich people, so obviously they matter less.
By the way, you smell poor.
Q. What exactly is so bad about fascism anyway?
I see where you're going here. I think it was Lenny on the Simpsons who said, “Sure, the Germans made some mistakes, but that's why pencils have erasers.”
Fascism is bad in all the ways socialism can be bad. Why? Because fascism is a kind of socialism.
Q. You point out that liberals are like the Nazis because they're for organic farming and social programs, and so were the Nazis. Well, the Nazis also wore hats, so does that make anyone who wears a hat a Nazi? (Please say yes, because my wife keeps telling me to wear a hat when I leave the house, but I don't want to.)
No, actually this is what a lot of my critics keep saying I say. It's not in fact what I say. The point about the organic food stuff is that many on the left use the same arguments to defend organic food that Nazis did. They blather on about how we're all interconnected, about how capitalism makes you sick, about how the organic “holistic” lifestyle is an antidote to the alienating, deracinating pressures of modernity. They link socialized medicine to personal lifestyles, arguing that the state has every right to intervene in what you eat and how you live, because the state is picking up the tab (In Canada fat people can't get all sorts of surgeries because the state doesn't think they deserve them). I don't say liberals are Nazis because they both like organic food. But I do think that if we're going to have a permanent Fascism Watch we might as well ponder the implications of such similarities. “Public health initiatives were pursued not just in spite of fascism, but also in consequence of fascism,” Robert Procter argues in his path-breaking book, The Nazi War on Cancer. The National Socialist “campaign against tobacco and the 'whole-grain bread operation' are, in some sense, as fascist as the yellow stars and the death camps.”
And tell your wife if you wear a hat, you're worse than Hitler.
Q. I noticed in your recent TV appearance you have a goatee. How do we know you're not Jonah Goldberg's evil twin out to defame him and his talking couch?
I'm going to cut off your head and sh*t down your neck.
Q. Which presidential candidate is the most fascist?
I don't know, but Hillary Clinton wrote the most fascistic book of any of the candidates, remaining. Although I would have said Bill Richardson because he once wrote a book called “Nazi Supermen Are My Heroes” but it was in Spanish so few people read it. Also, despite the title, most of the book was about how he doesn't like negative campaigning.
Q. According to Amazon.com, your book is 496 pages and 1.6 pounds. If I saw a liberal three yards away who looked to be about five foot nine, and I were to throw the book with a momentum of 5 N*s at a release height of six feet, what angle would I have to throw the book at to hit the liberal directly on top of his head? Ignore wind resistance. Show your work.
No one told me there'd be math on this!
[It's actually a kinetics physics problem. Strange he knows so little about his own book. -Ed.]
Q. Would you support a tactical nuclear strike against the moon to fight fascism?
You well know my greatest concern is the threat posed by Volcanoes. The moon will have to wait. Perhaps we should have a sort of Molotov-Ribbentrop Pact with the moon until we're prepared to strike.
Q. Tell us briefly why we should buy your book. You can't use the letter 'e'.
First, it aids in stopping folks from Visa coming to my pad and taking my stuff willy-nilly. Also, you would gain wisdom. This is hard. I miss that thing prior to F and following D.
[I ask the tough questions no one else will. -Ed.]
Q. Your interview on the Daily Show was quite edited. What happened in the cut parts? Did you strike Jon Stewart? How hard? Did it do any good?
We played tonsil hockey for about three minutes. Then he told me every single word in my book was dead-on accurate. Then he said, “but of course we'll cut that out! Hah ha ha ha!”
Q. Since conservatives like me fear change, were you branded as a witch or a communist for starting National Review Online?
Some branded me witch, others Communist. Which is funny because I am in fact both. I attend meetings where the first half are conducted Politburo style (How many bushels of wheat did we produce this week? Have the canned hams been sent to my dacha? Etc). Then in the second half we spark up a big cauldron of eye of newt stew and put hexes on carnival workers and people named Todd.
Q. The Corner is a very popular blog, but does anybody have any idea how many people are allowed to post on it and who those people are?
There are actually only three of us, we just keeping making up new names. Mark Steyn is actually an intern from Loyola. That guy you sometimes see out in public is an actor. You may know him from such films as “Kris Kringle Killed My Dog,” “Show Tunes Versus Demography: What Price Freedom?”, or “Knocked-Up.”
Q. And how many blogs does NRO now have? Is anyone actually expected to read all of those?
Yes. You will be quizzed later. How many? I don't know. Fewer than grains of sand on a beach, more than the number of natural teeth in Joe Biden's head.
Q. The people at the Daily Kos seem to hate you, but it's also well known they like eating their own feces. How could you be worse than the taste of feces?
That's a question you will have to ask the corprophagics at Daily Kos. Apparently they can develop a taste for anything - anything but me.
Q. According to Wikipedia, your youth was spent robbing liquor stores until you saw an episode of Star Trek that made you reevaluate your life. What episode was it?
How does Wikipedia get everything so, so right? It was “A Piece of the Action” because until I saw that I had no idea Vic Tayback was so versatile. I mean I knew he was drop-dead sexy. But the man had chops. And once I saw that, I knew that there was more for me than boosting Korean-owned liquor stores and huffing Miracle Whip.
Q. What blogs, if any, do you read? (say you only read IMAO)
The Only Blog I Read is IMAO.
[Finally someone who can follow instructions. Buy his book! -Ed.]
Q. In closing, do you have a message for our nation's youth?
Text message while driving, don't go to sleep until you make it to the next level on your gameboxcube thing, condoms are for losers, only users lose drugs, always ask yourself “What would Britney Spears Do?” get all of your news from IMAO.
So far, the presidential campaigns have been pretty good at not allowing me to get any questions through to the candidates, but the Tom Tancredo campaign failed in this manner. Still, only four of my questions made it to the candidate (I had many more, including ones about the Mexi-Cannon and whether he would keep nukes on the table in our dealings with the moon).
BTW, I heard Rep. Tom Tancredo yesterday on the Laura Ingraham show talking about how he would use the threat to nuke Mecca to discourage Islamists. That actually gave SarahK pause, and you have to be really extreme to give SarahK pause ("Cutting the feet off of illegal immigrants is a great idea! Yay!"). Still, I guess extremism in fighting terrorists is no vice.
Here's the interview (or at least all the questions I got through to him):
Q. There has been much talk about a fence to keep out illegal immigrants, but it has been shown by scientists time and time again that humans can climb fences. Do you propose stronger methods to end illegal immigration?
Fences do work. In California, there was "Operation Gatekeeper" in 1994, where a 14-mile fence was erected along the San Diego-Tijuana corridor and, consequently, the number of illegal aliens crossing fell by 98 percent. In addition to fences, I will eliminate benefits and job prospects for illegal aliens so they do not stay.
Q. The Democrats' plan for the war in Iraq is failure. Are you so arrogant as to say you have a better plan?
I have confidence, not ego. America's noble sacrifice has purchased Iraqis a precious opportunity for democratic change; it is now up to them to ensure success. Setting the President's 'November benchmark for shifting control' as an actual timetable for disengagement will let regional powers and Iraqi factions cooperate to forge a new balance of power.
In the interest of fairness, after interviewing Democrat Dr. Bob Bowman who is running to be the Congressman for Florida District 15 (where I live), I once again extended an offer to Republican Rep. Dave Weldon so that he could respond to Dr. Bowman's "interesting" views as well as other important questions. He accepted, so I e-mailed out the tough questions (Full Disclosure: I'm a partisan hack). Here's the interview:
Q. Your opponent, Dr. Bob Bowman, thinks that there was a government conspiracy behind 9/11. Other than the numerous eye witness accounts, the forensic evidence, the analysis by structural engineers, the intense media scrutiny, the statements by al Qaeda, collected intelligence, and common sense, what evidence do you have that 9/11 was in fact done by Islamic extremists and was not a gigantic government plot?
How about Osama himself, who not only took credit for the 9/11 event and claimed Atta as one of his key ring leaders, but on the video he sent out shortly after the event he gleefully said that the damage was greater than expected and elaborated more about his wicked plan in detail. It would take a very special (insert your own euphemism) cynicism to say he wasnt responsible.
Q. If there are more government conspiracies in the future, will you make sure to be a part of them so that they will benefit your constituents?
If my constituents knew, then it wouldnt be a genuine conspiracy.
Q. In my interview, Dr. Bowman stated that the greatest threat to America is the "fascist regime of George W. Bush". What do you think the greatest threat to America is?
As an old Army officer we had a term called IFF...Identify: Friend or Foe. In wartime those who cant seem to distinguish friend of foe can be as dangerous as the enemy himself.
Q. A popular issue in the blogosphere is pork spending. I'm highly against any pork that doesn't benefit me. What's your stance on that issue?
Every year Congress passes spending bills. What and how we spend is, constitutionally, up to Congress. Not the president, not the bureaucrats and not the lobbyists. Some Members of Congress end up abusing that privilege, losing the peoples trust. Earmarks for bridges-to-nowhere is that kind of abuse. That happened because there was no sunshine on that earmark. No longer. I voted this year to Sunshine all such projects from now on. They will stand or fall on their merits, as they should.
Q. You seem to be a strong supporter of energy independence, but if we stop buying oil, won't that just make everyone in the Middle East even angrier?
Thats liberal nonsense. Id rather they be angry and penniless than less angry and flush with our cash. For me its simple: Energy security means national security. We must be self-sufficient as best we can. The status quo is just not acceptable.
Q. The government is supposed to build a fence along part of the U.S. southern border, but scientific studies have shown that people are capable of climbing fences. Do you support any other methods to secure our border?
The bill the president just signed is not just for any average picket fence. Its double layered, penetrating the ground as well to prevent tunneling and loaded up with the latest detection equipment. If it cuts down a large majority of illegals (which it will), Ill be happy. We did this in California and it worked well.
Q. All the talk seems to be about the Southern border, but what about the Canadian threat?
You go where the problem is, but we have deployed more resources to the Canadian border as well.
Q. Living on the Space Coast, one of our biggest problems are noisy space shuttles. The last time the Space Shuttle Atlantis returned, it was early morning and the loud boom from its reentry woke me up and scared my dog. Can't you do something about that, like maybe tell the astronauts to slow it down a bit? I know they're anxious to get home, but it's not like the earth is going anywhere... is it?
After 12 days in space, wouldnt you be anxious to get home too?
Q. Your opponent says that violent video games are bad because they desensitize our soldiers. My wife says violent video games are bad because they are a monumental waste of time. I think violent video games are good because they're fun. Who is right?
You wife sounds very wise. As a matter of fact on all issues of dispute between your wife and Bob Bowman, go with your wife.
Q. Regardless of what happens in the upcoming election, Florida will no longer have a governor named Jeb. Should I be scared for our future?
Only if the Democrat gets elected.
Q. My brother is a Marine and has served in Iraq and will most likely go there again. One of his complaints was that they had too much body armor in Iraq and that it was beginning to clutter their camps. Will you support the de-funding of body armor for our troops to prevent clutter?
If clutter saves lives, Im all for it.
Q. My wife won't let me vote for anyone who doesn't support killing terrorists. What's your stance on that important issue?
You wife is sounding smarter and smarter.
Q. If next year you have to serve under Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, how sad will you be?
Not as sad as the voters will be when they learn that Nancy thinks they deserve a tax increase to go along with those new civil rights for terrorists.
Q. In 2003, you published a science fiction novel called Moongate. What other activities besides writing novels do you do while other Congressman are speaking at the Capitol?
I love playing my guitar with my band named the 2nd Amendments. The best gig ever was with the troops in Iraq this past Christmas.
Q. My wife is constantly complaining about different ailments. As a medical doctor, is there something you can prescribe her to shut her up?
You wife is sounding smarter and smarter.
Q. Living in Florida, we're constantly threatened by hurricanes, alligators, lightning, and tourists. What are you doing to make Florida safer?
Lets start with defeating my opponent in November.
Q. According to Wikipedia, you once killed an alligator with your bare hands to defend a group of school children on a fieldtrip. What did you learn from that experience?
I learned mostly that it wasnt true.
Q. Why do you think you deserve reelection?
I dont deserve anything. If I get reelected it was because I earned it. You never deserve to be in elected office. You are the caretaker of a very special part of Democracy.
Q. Out of curiosity, in all your years living in Florida, have you ever met a native Floridian?
Yep, but I noticed most of them are either very young or very old.
Q. What blogs, if any, do you read? (say you only read IMAO)
Democrat Dr. Bob Bowman, a Vietnam combat veteran, is running in my district, Florida District 15, for Congress against Republican Rep. Dave Weldon who has served at the Space Coast's representative since 1994. Dave Weldon won his last reelection with 65% of the vote and seems to not be expecting much of challenge, but recent event have shaken things up, including the scandal involving another Florida Congressman, Mark Foley.
Dr. Bob Bowman recently got a bit of notice in the blogosphere for his views on government complicity in 9/11, and I decided to request an interview. He accepted, and I sent him some questions through e-mail. A request for an interview with Rep. Dave Weldon was unanswered by his campaign staff.
Here's the interview:
Q. You state that there is mounting evidence of the U.S. government's complicity in 9/11. What do you think is the most compelling evidence of this?
A. Lack of intercept and the fall of WTC 7.
Q. You've said before that you think Vice President Dick Cheney is a key suspect as the architect of the 9/11 attack. What do you think he had to gain?
A. I said (in an answer to a hypothetical question) that IF someone in our government was involved, the key suspect would be Cheney because of his role in running the exercises which masked the "hijacked" airliners. He, along with Wolfowitz, Libby, Perle, Feith, Rumsfeld, etc., put forth the PNAC document which planned the occupation of Iraq in 2000. They saw Iraq as key to military control of the entire Middle East and perhaps ten trillion dollars worth of oil and gas. Cheney has already gained many millions through his Halliburton stock options from the Iraq War justified by 9/11.
Q. One position you've written on your website is that, if the CIA cannot be reformed, it should be abolished. Don't you think that will be a tough sell with terrorism still an important issue to many Americans?
A. We would not be the target of terrorists if we didn't have a foreign policy which uses military power to subdue third world countries so our multinational corporations can steal their resources. The intelligence analysts at the CIA are actually quite good. They were right in saying that Iraq was no threat and had no weapons of mass destruction. They were not listened to. But the "dirty tricks" side of the CIA has been responsible for millions of deaths. Yes, it will be a hard sell because so many Americans have swallowed the phony War on Terror. I propose it because it's right, not because it's easy.
Q. I had never heard about video games being used to decondition recruits from a reluctance to kill. Are these regular video games being commercially sold or special training simulators made by the military?
At first they were all regular commercial video games. I think the military has made some of their own now.
Q. When you refer to the "rape of Yugoslavia" on your campaign site, what do you mean?
The dismantling of Yugoslavia ordered by George H. W. Bush and completed by Clinton with 70 days of bombing of Kosovo in violation of the War Powers Act and the Constitution. I've written extensive articles on this. See, for example, the Kosovo article on www.rmbowman.com/ssn.
Q. You state on your site "If I were President, I would pardon thousands of nonviolent offenders and political prisoners." Who are the political prisoners you refer to?
Q. What do you consider to be the biggest threat to our nation right now?
The fascist regime of George W. Bush.
Q. Your running in what's considered a very safe district for Republicans. Are you just trying to make a point, or do you think you can win?
A. I intend to win, and to win big.
Q. Why do you think Dave Weldon doesn't deserve reelection?
A. He is merely a rubber stamp for the Bush Administration. He votes against the interest of the people of this country regularly. His voting record is rated as absolute zero by such groups as the Disabled American Veterans and the Association for Retired Americans.
Q. In closing, do you have a message for our nation's youth?
A. We need a government which serves the needs of the people, not their own financial interests. Go to www.Bowman2006.com and read my Vision for America. We can have such a nation if we work together and take back our country. Study the issues, then register and vote. You are our future.
Wild Bill, the writer at Passionate America and past host of The Carnival of Comedy, was recently a newsbreaker. He and another blogger, Ms. Underestimated, researched and released the name of one of the alegedly underaged Foleygate interns. Their investigtion, contained in this heavily linked post revealed this particular intern was neither underage nor an intern at the time the released IM's, which are disgusting, were made. This resulted in Mr Bill being interviewed on a number of media outlets. I caught up with Wild Bill in the middle of the chaos. When I realized this was a somebody who was a former nobody to whom I probably appear to be a somebody I decided to interview him and completely un-euphemistically grab the coattails of his sudden rise to fame.
A Spacemonkey Interview with Wild Bill Kerr (incidentally through an IM interface.)
[The following interview was lightly edited for humor, and to correct some of my misssplllellings]
spacemonkey: Wild Bill, may I call you Wild for short?
Wild Bill: yep
spacemonkey: Ok Wild, how about W.B., can I call you W.B. for even shorter?
[time passes]
Take your time. The questions are going to get tougher you know.
Wild Bill: yep
haha
holly crap I didn't prepare
spacemonkey: That may be your undoing.
Why am I interviewing you today? Have you broken some story about something? Or am I wasting my time here?
Oh yeah I remember.
The Foley page thing.
What did you uncover?
Wild Bill: I didn't break a story some guy named "the blogger" did but I think I heard something about the Folly thing.
I saw this guy on TV a while ago that looked a lot like me talking about this
spacemonkey: Was this person, in fact, you?
Wild Bill: I forgot let me ask someone smarter than me like my wife..........she said yes it was me.
spacemonkey: Ok good, what did you say? I am in Alabama where all we get is Mama's Family.
A fine show, but not very current eventish.
Wild Bill: Well I said wholly crap and they played it, can you say wholly crap on the TV? Oh and I said something about the follow thing I forget. You might have to go to my site and read it. Mama's family sons intersting.
spacemonkey: It is.But I digress.
Wild Bill: sounds I told you I can't spell. and about 1000 other people told m that today
spacemonkey: Well, I've been told that a few times myself about myself but this interview isn't about me or my spelling or yours for that matter.
Its more about you and something you said or did or something with regard to Pagegate.
Wild Bill: Oh yeah,
spacemonkey: Or Foleygate or whatever they're labeling it.
When you say wholly crap I asume you mean that phonetically.
Because something tha's wholly crap is literally, completely crap.
and the only thing that is wholly crap would be in fact, crap.
Wild Bill: I never did the hooked on phonics thing. Hey I found this guy on the radio taking about the Follygate thing you might want to interveiw him. http://www.msunderestimated.com/2006/10/05/wild-bill-on-atlantas-96rock-regular-guys-show-audio/
He sounds smart
spacemonkey: Your story isn't wholly crap I'm guessing.
Wild Bill: No a set of scientificaly train money faced liberals tried to throw poo at it and it just feel off.
trained there I go again
spacemonkey: I see.
Wild Bill: monkey arrrggghhh!!!
spacemonkey: Yes monkeys can be maddening.
Now, assuming that my readers are not familiar with your, if I may, meteoric rise to talkingheadiness.
Wild Bill: Where have you BEEN, man?
spacemonkey: Well, I was at work, then I went home, and then went and took my family to supper at Waffle House, came home and... wait, that was rhetorical wasn't it?
Wild Bill: Oh did I tell you I'm gonna be on something they call the radio tomorrow
spacemonkey: Yes, lets talk more about OTHER INTERVIEWS.
Wild Bill: Waffel house we can't afford the Waffle House you must be rich or something.
Oh this guy I think he is on Fox Gibson I think talked to me on the phone and I heard from someone that he played it on the AM radio and I thought that was a dirty trick.
spacemonkey: Compared to many, I am.
Wild Bill: And a paper I think one of them that my birds poop on talked to me with a recorder thingy and I said some really stupid things. I think.
I hope my mom does not hear it.
spacemonkey: Tell me, are you stupid, W.B.? My momma always says "stupid is as stupid does"'. Nothing was mentioned about what stupid says, though.
That may have been Forrest Gump momma, not my own.
That said that.
Back to the meat of the interview.
I know it can be dizzying the fame and fortune that come from being suddenly famous,but tell me. WB.
Did that other starmaking event, of course the time you hosted the carnival of comedy prepare you for this media frenzy?
Or is this less maddeningly crazy that that was?
By your silence am i to assume you have gone media-catatonic?
Wild Bill: The COC has made all of this possible I give all the credit to IMAO and my wife said I should probubly thank you also but I don't always listen to my wife.
What is the moon like?
spacemonkey: Hole-y.
Wild Bill: Is it made of cheese?
spacemonkey: That's a myth. It's not nuked enough for my tastes, but tell me...wb, W.B. is the talking head racket all it seems? hollow, shallow and kooky?
Wild Bill: Paul Zahn (is that her name?) she is on some CNN thing she was nice and said I could eat all the cookies in the green room if I come on her show.
spacemonkey: Technorati has 104 links to your story where you detail the investgation into the Foley IM Page's Identity and age. How many hits has your site gotten as a result?
Wild Bill: And Glenn Beck said he would like to have me on his TV show if it doesn't get canceled first.
Is that that sitemeter thingy?
spacemonkey: Glenn can count on the spacemonkey household watching .
between momma's family episodes.
Yes site meter, what be the hit rate?
Wild Bill: I just click on it right?
spacemonkey: I went all pirate for moment.
right.
I looked but didn't see a sitemeter link
Wild Bill: 41,000 and there is a bigger number that says page veiws today 70,000
what does that mean?
Oh wait you are supposed to ask the questions.
spacemonkey: Holy crap!
35,000 yesterday and 41,000 today
If you go on Rush and Hannity, you may kill blog-spot.
An outcome which some may applaud.
Not me but ..... some.
Wild Bill: I think I might have fried a few of there servers today. I am sorry from now on I will just do fart joke on my blog.
jokes
spacemonkey: Fart joke are all the same joke.
The same hillarious joke.
Pooty much the same, any way.
If it does go down, May I mirror your story on my blog?
Wild Bill: this story?
this IM?
spacemonkey: nah this is going On IMAO.
your "name that page" story
Wild Bill: well I am a comedy blogger at heart this politics stuff is crazy.
yes mirror it. you will take a lot of heat, so make sure you say I am an a**hole
spacemonkey: All of us is one to a degree, at least percentagewise.
since we all have one and all and well, nevermind.
Wild Bill: I love what you guys do over at IMAO. I read it all the time, but who am I? I'm just a guy that got big balls one day and kicked in them the next.
spacemonkey: Better to have them and be kicked in them, than to be French and never know what it's like to have them.
Jump up and down on your heels, that helps.
I hear
Wild Bill: Yeah I might have over estimated my ball size.
spacemonkey:Ummm. I'm not comfortable.
Wild Bill: Can you do me a favor
spacemonkey: Look, I'm over 18, and I'm straight.
Wild Bill: haha
spacemonkey: Actually I'm double 18.
And double straight.
Wild Bill: Can you ask me about Ms Underestimated and add it to the post? She helped so much with this story and she is not getting the credit she deserves.
spacemonkey: Is Ms Underestimated, being underestimated?
AND Ms-ed. (pronounced 'missed')
Wild Bill: yes she was the brains and I was the balls. Can I say that?
Ms. Underestimated
spacemonkey: I think you just did.
She did the brainwork? And you made the testosterone?
Wild Bill: Oh and one last thing, you are not gonna save this IM and let a lib get it so they can use it against me before an election are you?
spacemonkey: A little bit, yeah.
Wild Bill: crap you can call it Billgate, isn't that a rich guy?
spacemonkey: I think he owns the copyright to that one.
Hey, WB, thanks for being my guinea pig for my first non-self interview.
For those of you just tuning in, scroll up.
When deciding who should be my second interview, the choice was obvious. John Derbyshire is a columnist, author, mathematician, uncredited thug, general curmudgeon, and one writer at National Review I wouldn't try and replace. He's decidedly as non-PC as they get, and often sports controversy because of it (he once put up a math problem about monkeys and it scared me). If you haven't been reading him, then catch up. Until then, read this interview Mr. Derbyshire graciously did over e-mail.
Q. Your name Derbyshire comes from a county in England. Being that it's a combination of "derby" and "shire", one would guess that the place is filled with hobbits driving around in racecars. Is that about right?
Artist rendition of the happenings in the county of Derbyshire.
A. Dunno. I was only in Derbyshire once, and the memory is dim. If the coin had come up the other way you'd be betting on the Kentucky Bunbury--did you know that?
Q. So what's it like writing for National Review? Is it fun fun fun everyday, or is it your own private hell that you suffer with dignity and grace?
A. A laff riot, except for those times they call you up and say: "Can you give us 1,000 words on energy policy by 4 o'clock?" That's when you try desperately to forget the combination code for the handgun safe.
Q. You seem to court controversy a lot more than other writers at National Review (one of the quotes for your merchandise is about how you have some opinions that aren't "respectable"). Is that because you're more daring or because everyone else is a pansy?
A. I think mostly it's just that I'm older http://www.olimu.com/Photographs/BackPages/1945-Baby.htm . Grew up in the age before PC. Never internalized the necessary restraints. The NR people have only recently weaned me off saying "Negro."
Q. You bill yourself as a pessimist. Has there been anything in recent events that have made you feel cheery?
A. Well, I cracked a smile when they found Saddam in that spider hole. Though if it'd been me that found him, I'd have lobbed a few grenades down there & then sealed it up with concrete. Or just sealed it up & saved the grenades. The last time I had a really good laugh at a public occurrence was when the Romanians shot Ceaucescu and his loathsome wife. I am smiling now just thinking of it.
Q. How much longer do you think humanity will last?
A. You misunderstand the nature of my pessimism. Humanity will always be around -- like roaches.
Q. How do you think Bush is doing as president?
A. All right. But I speak as a person who has very low expectations of politicians.
Q. How much worse do you think Kerry would do?
A. Very, very much. He'd be another Carter, spend four years apologizing to the world for our appalling inclination to defend our own interests & way of life. Unthinkable. Vote Bush!
Q. Out of all the politicians and pundits out there, who you would you most want to slug if you could get away with it?
A. Eleanor Clift. There's just something about that woman. I know, I know, a gentleman isn't supposed to hit a lady. But heck, they wanted equality, they got it. Come and take your lumps, Eleanor.
Q. Andrew Sullivan seems to not like you, handing out Derbyshire Award Nominations in mockery of you. Any idea how that started? Like, did you run over his dog?
A. My private theory is that he is trying to make himself sexually attractive to me in some way I don't really understand. I have had trouble with homosexuals all my life, I don't know why. They can be very persistent.
Q. When he's finished handing out Derbyshire Award Nominations, will you be at the award ceremony to present the Derbyshire Award?
A. I don't think so. I'd get flustered, having his eyes on me all the time.
Q. I heard that you got Andrew Sullivan fired from the NY Times by spreading rumors that he is gay. Is there any truth to what I just made up?
A. You seem to have some kind of obsession with Andrew Sullivan. Why is that?
A. See?---Sullivan, Sullivan, Sullivan. I really think you have issues here.
Q. Now that your fans made sure the Internet Movie Database credits you for your uncredited thuggery, do you feel vindicated?
A. Say WHAT? Oh, "thuggery." Do you know, I paid $35 to that frigging movie database to get my picture included. They said it would take "about two weeks," but that was three weeks ago and I'm still looking at the generic shadow guy. I guess it's a ripoff. Most things are.
Q. I've heard talk about making a new Bruce Lee movie where he is inserted using CGI. If this happens, would you consider reprising your role as uncredited thug?
A. I would have, but Spielberg wants me in this new Riemann Hypothesis movie he's doing, so I'll have to beg off.
Q. Have you ever been approached by a thug on the street who felt he just wasn't getting enough credit and said how inspirational you are?
A. For God's sake lay off with the Sullivan thing, it's getting creepy.
Q. I have about twenty more questions about uncredited thuggery, but I guess I should move on. How did you get from uncredited thug to credited writer and journalist?
A. Same answer Fats Domino gave when asked how he got successful: "Clean thinkin', clean livin', an' good home cookin'." (You can put the terminal consonants back in if I've transgressed political correctness there. I never know.)
Q. For National Review Online, Jonah Goldberg seems to get a lot of the attention. Do you ever feel like punching him? Be honest.
A. By arrangement with the magazine, three times a year Jonah and I have one of those Russian face-slapping contests on a secluded beach out Nissequogue way -- feet planted, you know, just slap! slap! slap! till one of us falls down -- to get things out of our systems. The rest of the time we get on great. He cooks a mean quiche gaspesienne.
Q. I'll kidnap his dog for a thousand bucks. Deal?
A. In your dreams. I haven't seen a thousand bucks since I got married.
Q. Last year, you published the book Prime Obsession about the Riemann Hypothesis. Now, my readers are a bit too dense for you to explain briefly that hypothesis (and that is what the book is supposed to do, anyway), but could you tell us what your favorite prime number is?
A. That's a thing I can never make up my mind about. Some days I'd say 31 -- you know, the first prime number the decimal period of whose reciprocal is an odd number of digits in length. Also the 3rd Mersenne prime. Also one of only two known numbers that can be written in two ways as the sum of successive powers, starting with 1. (The other is 8191.) Then there's that business about the square being 961, which is the square of 13 (31 written backwards) written backwards. Also the two digits being the same as the first two digits of pi. AND, if you divide the first of those digits into the second to get one-third, and raise 31 to the power of one-third (i.e. take its cube root), you get 3.1413806523913930044930758964627499263, which differs from pi by less that 0.007 per cent!!! **AND** note that 31 is the 11th prime, 11 is the 5th prime, 5 is the 3rd prime, and 3 is the 2nd prime, and 11, 5, 3, and 2 are all primes!!!!!! (The next prime this works for is 127, the 31st prime, which is, like 31, a Mersenne prime!!!!!!!!!) Other days, however, I might say 5,127,402,762,693,207,238,127,
857,636,203,402,218,800,465,862,270,699,268,312,403,841,858,231,274,305,620,
361,077,749,499,092,908,732,125,557,093,200,451,596,185,805,491,533,791,569,
813,459,934,004,301,403,420,963,876,503,051,395,931,102,015,314,923,539,804,
274,582,396,743,992,807,950,474,719,225,956,493,549,755,113,731,084,255,868,
197,796,918,434,581,937,598,237,719,449,693,830,758,295,558,527,988,434,483,
984,402,926,845,375,042,397,676,916,772,484,150,646,410,917,772,519,028,191,
260,065,794,740,179,769,324,698,367,726,983,862,151,189,703,959,842,488,900,
061,272,076,024,459,112,340,878,109,546,457,346,491,554,143,925,842,685,145,
949,023,067,551,546,771,775,954,793,260,432,752,945,481,806,098,802,929,000,
907,427,445,042,956,652,440,017,686,821,739,642,342,283,937,834,042,844,291,
309,099,347,969,102,747,457,019,190,141,964,862,487,369,125,287,232,304,120,
180,671,718,300,574,342,513,576,699,411,857,774,313,395,067,287,653,074,850,
588,324,937,103,408,282,413,195,256,438,383,787,207,278,963,764,217,585,989,
297,652,130,376,043,003,743,753,738,855,745,090,992,464,814,545,996,050,643,
193,581,313,404,735,505,484,589,430,723,093,798,823,359,856,272,522,668,336,
385,259,952,677,756,552,856,551,289,009,892,928,585,351,817,997,597,030,498,
514,888,896,397,853,351,107,117,298,797,441,034,194,477,559,304,372,109,097,
290,724,770,947,530,415,951,652,971,238,902,317,815,917,038,680,603,767,679,
621,050,951,143,780,665,933,783,692,044,966,565,073,528,785,267,030,895,450,
902,209,416,549,087,515,755,497,095,539,312,904,309,522,657,662,573,379,910,
237,333,667,849,079,849,220,423,840,762,884,973,739,500,200,127,298,974,934,
830,066,840,393,158,838,988,914,961,956,695,510,930,546,945,980,827,951,096,
112,962,664,643,335,992,487,280,560,134,900,886,679,764,181,190,584,527,535,
596,309,993,103,344,029,282,425,364,639,953,156,663,544,682,107,454,804,931,
256,238,955,533,113,496,018,816,854,182,195,543,330,531,080,906,323,445,078,
316,250,967,348,939,638,518,364,397,769,154,256,659,856,173,480,003,883,657,
206,670,525,805,339,385,205,102,031,809,817,585,314,840,602,972,682,019,418,
846,238,655,285,164,004,752,145,812,574,629,347,496,147,187,860,255,836,399,
547,712,572,271,763,652,225,900,724,547,782,484,635,289,547,426,451,805,759,
385,599,266,973,889,795,734,232,290,479,220,332,115,891,609,768,156,288,342,
457,935,909,120,914,007,323,909,196,438,381,794,326,456,768,293,490,507,645,
188,049,139,856,490,695,855,921,347,239,667,106,058,599,730,403,070,475,897,
761,777,384,876,428,450,587,345,819,993,007,719,724,539,699,098,055,541,679,
729,873,655,504,576,709,009,905,603,259,030,920,627,958,993,042,266,397,424,
051,597,783,360,050,334,896,922,727,141,271,478,699,045,082,152,228,027,176,
387,242,258,926,795,536,797,468,085,134,528,625,106,976,095,345,191,577,913,
476,371,028,410,646,742,037,674,051,628,455,878,000,216,377,265,397,452,084,
015,240,867,090,868,867,221,753,597,264,076,182,115,949,014,522,094,557,935,
332,115,678,514,099,817,970,329,091,688,526,234,719,385,466,559,494,653,373,
537,899,003,323,166,107,149,478,877,117,006,392,742,932,314,559,290,084,835,
777,094,667,606,029,780,458,934,036,386,976,039,274,781,268,555,844,995,512,
614,964,439,932,924,940,312,848,333,645,844,887,797,516,295,800,024,064,774,
185,402,159,078,978,805,168,601,770,447,303,316,431,713,617,130,234,794,350,
541,866,792,806,893,003,400,689,202,963,176,470,263,352,023,062,089,730,876,
527,043,230,463,014,879,144,521,952,661,217,703,677,799,441,187,657,662,973,
384,737,966,402,581,038,747,961,045,995,695,691,052,348,543,766,640,499,372,
261,445,442,597,160,606,259,053,966,068,732,511,151,005,174,297,931,072,476,
442,070,654,725,728,997,312,468,606,997,496,262,806,957,417,754,746,116,751,
611,888,607,847,520,118,238,695,988,605,632,005,765,040,116,452,483,003,738,
222,108,883,182,645,400,927,748,375,991,851,316,480,041,378,139,797,501,430,
225,910,917,778,283,739,088,610,331,481,527,007,155,171,810,533,856,350,046,
610,519,043,759,763,735,287,608,317,720,758,292,043,647,836,090,336,580,690,
160,570,305,468,673,327,908,088,769,346,820,644,202,222,370,805,567,789,924,
652,533,710,283,013,623,161,521,566,452,434,952,081,959,455,776,793,645,596,
433,449,191,241,875,779,804,568,888,134,130,384,052,737,038,581,482,023,245,
957,727,102,774,269,790,268,483,623,397,849,877,307,665,566,360,077,642,424,
686,431,521,362,331,535,538,625,236,147,207,010,477,726,452,714,608,576,639,
216,929,513,668,408,452,625,607,706,353,883,532,950,870,370,035,801,874,995,
812,813,451,432,008,448,947,266,393,601,762,979,801,361,580,687,909,591,815,
579,389,477,766,834,753,251,940,287,557,801,066,551,722,677,979,963,148,412,
466,936,942,280,873,277,595,719,690,771,325,214,856,788,811,424,035,793,433,
963,398,993,331,031,119,441,383,882,955,389,390,151,657,476,397,193,836,314,
471,258,409,404,667,849,604,708,290,823,276,044,211,968,110,911,567,811,341,
262,080,360,778,790,865,947,551,395,744,817,070,583,824,061,150,098,445,032,
835,197,917,407,298,691,261,013,378,898,653,579,321,522,078,640,368,048,070,
984,501,086,794,395,042,330,782,390,396,751,845,471,525,030,920,057,416,168,
578,236,420,486,622,426,378,767,586,883,883,893,489,433,813,011,353,455,573,
101,221,128,384,406,545,741,394,033,581,094,437,631,769,412,130,294,661,724,
106,175,181,125,398,050,027,695,112,993,430,023,630,323,675,490,992,939,496,
504,744,805,578,635,472,179,788,333,768,200,664,819,607,284,340,917,322,755,
531,869,709,230,020,828,192,538,563,016,722,363,953,568,715,031,024,807,326,
998,142,181,473,135,798,116,619,125,308,672,912,530,256,683,199,051,480,596,
855,619,122,644,251,686,812,232,521,133,402,619,669,222,585,668,465,906,911,
136,832,572,514,562,009,274,392,880,973,584,373,798,361,547,406,479,432,084,
329,403,349,301,000,394,827,230,213,855,184,882,751,071,528,067,261,670,154,
680,072,053,788,815,282,747,410,574,737,453,703,637,563,630,570,435,117,628,
195,978,573,859,441,739,021,314,639,609,194,570,617,468,380,964,312,984,898,
051,015,808,531,249,520,173,981,451,879,164,999,414,743,675,749,804,234,774,
729,611,723,419,052,649,393,703,587,908,248,649,035,483,760,388,377,673,954,
593,219,972,520,460,512,648,135,037,493,641,716,623,026,507,566,948,568,177,
612,501,099,277,675,842,019,773,333,090,894,923,829,100,110,076,309,867,969,
151,081,052,588,982,607,951,865,471,213,313,183,245,060,597,002,272,693,110,
245,785,965,527,572,016,217,588,182,180,611,542,407,587,567,815,731,154,265,
933,832,507,231,884,099,577,591,490,145,058,574,363,430,855,132,369,561,744,
047,149,760,935,326,046,633,080,596,172,554,087,268,798,000,846,691,309,970,
043,155,701,905,733,040,446,549,921,630,716,557,714,857,851,435,295,738,244,
739,711,179,222,259,227,248,795,100,488,126,594,739,221,835,603,749,600,314,
934,633,344,076,353,028,287,578,586,024,598,839,126,822,069,713,101,750,598,
474,670,812,758,693,292,659,161,828,026,166,950,346,748,815,143,463,334,704,
542,176,784,521,435,388,672,817,578,619,278,494,672,228,806,465,126,368,945,
625,182,069,538,753,150,748,681,827,976,974,516,834,491,919,682,447,499,595,
479,376,473,830,053,931,431,014,725,195,530,345,010,374,265,299,332,489,104,
132,410,271,977,780,102,176,440,834,625,446,012,866,665,347,194,485,014,498,
192,213,906,712,461,571,558,461,856,215,544,094,243,315,778,552,512,002,140,
950,670,825,241,426,485,599,659,881,554,353,612,591,403,867,412,422,460,776,
539,555,531,219,070,870,630,305,526,323,467,724,773,070,119,652,811,134,935,
638,289,746,292,798,229,378,856,888,363,134,940,926,708,114,880,619,599,116,
394,578,819,044,020,532,468,981,521,819,176,025,207,014,749,161,838,288,323,
149,490,258,523,875,175,248,280,151,699,750,221,467,024,407,911,729,970,497,
221,734,109,043,858,511,965,549,018,877,943,198,319,459,589,401,737,280,330,
407,518,862,630,051,588,881,613,569,562,108,842,459,004,760,199,605,403,801,
598,397,565,491,823,651,148,326,901,400,520,661,066,194,241,035,982,518,345,
069,096,793,618,981,282,457,558,427,497,482,957,008,675,010,720,183,774,437,
435,785,017,575,700,492,736,626,204,612,419,206,706,507,710,961,635,642,170,
205,274,550,473,597,511,836,675,925,420,381,368,309,015,709,938,935,891,601,
621,321,760,036,916,411,311,681,516,123,297,874,975,915,480,198,703,078,663,
419,458,804,402,864,305,516,787,820,345,985,693,428,927,205,941,604,062,174,
961,545,371,679,212,308,834,552,826,121,715,932,392,540,107,379,577,154,361,
826,818,491,137,529,526,738,049,383,903,575,651,855,103,642,326,413,630,121,
139,155,484,164,888,243,377,500,163,407,233,045,622,466,976,800,124,271,944,
950,319,285,079,471,209,642,615,721,698,927,302,762,004,348,567,984,609,484,
332,582,529,312,222,882,172,855,754,718,970,819,602,949,196,772,520,214,463,
094,595,900,354,649,955,409,789,175,317,792,173,269,967,890,029,142,271,205,
494,449,345,217,873,671,282,295,612,587,729,305,103,999,979,929,743,481,579,
369,070,622,515,827,110,227,043,311,618,627,937,047,489,237,015,082,734,016,
466,143,123,088,742,374,780,178,674,664,214,517,749,524,379,311,269,583,238,
249,276,515,231,135,759,218,285,766,054,677,815,440,082,858,362,452,031,356,
522,322,619,464,971,908,751,741,399,920,517,485,355,931,154,276,760,453,082,
651,439,938,324,557,659,678,759,861,325,499,804,190,722,614,943,694,407,186,
007,001,553,845,676,121,681,900,718,551,500,159,385,916,394,847,105,209,050,
635,766,728,229,026,717,159,686,536,605,911,843,649,165,365,766,883,524,827,
564,881,177,864,241,764,581,029,132,488,129,076,507,527,512,109,503,449,158,
438,453,841,719,282,138,558,162,521,299,327,913,862,781,561,956,545,791,246,
753,034,127,861,941,934,167,249,886,926,595,445,327,450,131,322,517,713,770,
179,490,444,309,917,949,174,257,635,990,272,618,937,449,595,783,818,693,095,
466,417,625,685,161,064,435,326,999,391,106,015,899,511,235,037,207,338,465,
950,393,219,711,649,816,456,256,986,656,953,206,680,202,126,257,859,098,323,
891,799,580,888,242,623,952,863,477,848,461,113,235,288,921,659,445,319,444,
746,539,372,174,714,266,551,926,011,086,784,963,086,727,886,600,049,141,566,
177,960,851,388,542,791,184,157,027,436,634,765,810,258,245,167,882,057,584,
625,826,946,220,598,415,098,031,006,728,731,057,036,482,791,782,676,668,744,
498,636,690,294,917,146,323,352,239,119,119,476,127,803,088,758,287,801,924,
080,759,106,903,028,128,733,032,620,998,436,991,415,227,372,083,907,001,140,
386,625,144,776,473,334,616,537,497,811,627,351,317,161,766,754,152,755,629,
183,578,965,914,057,612,778,898,616,333,253,680,076,989,723,132,963,096,267,
843,619,665,840,738,100,891,818,504,497,613,087,480,563,689,696,696,325,338,
836,257,752,848,769,059,556,895,155,023,387,467,272,471,217,438,559,297,270,
422,443,240,859,193,295,885,964,922,612,907,992,528,516,329,523,860,022,414,
077,126,468,190,350,115,675,704,262,996,712,924,555,738,506,087,065,654,538,
334,187,094,265,197,591,237,263,839,877,125,045,316,352,683,284,056,878,031,
458,951,849,362,713,050,864,416,334,897,199,315,211,131,857,408,980,069,888,
681,660,777,681,538,146,464,853,672,307,318,157,467,335,972,918,696,262,359,
877,612,191,264,299,497,306,856,928,716,507,175,880,622,392,842,467,165,074,
998,385,165,181,483,505,794,499,544,813,906,347,343,204,942,924,289,137,256,
184,514,880,018,273,066,432,726,277,577,180,260,746,800,779,269,938,881,910,
307,323,820,603,929,380,479,529,421,876,015,049,476,691,320,986,699,695,942,
115,897,568,483,208,244,791,979,519,901,240,375,000,591,195,016,765,017,126,
144,548,505,799,030,998,701,713,970,033,915,814,767,773,118,132,358,804,291,
265,033,958,409,755,369,127,853,957,231,962,590,141,743,461,569,536,779,749,
634,235,639,798,353,619,572,450,258,847,759,459,694,846,905,994,477,525,156,
339,273,246,913,346,759,956,744,990,111,496,334,981,805,905,230,802,041,004,
715,927,427,344,647,936,927,755,876,493,290,124,167,078,164,505,345,564,766,
348,558,129,462,609,116,510,782,224,937,228,880,155,892,729,769,415,562,471,
445,769,931,140,855,391,511,378,624,368,263,540,127,686,675,911,547,708,352,
109,818,175,644,039,011,369,749,565,858,372,812,300,689,854,048,247,048,805,
169,051,527,318,082,276,479,596,762,887,555,775,088,256,570,118,179,705,331,
031,761,747,334,969,615,950,377,366,798,311,061,069,015,611,318,792,118,651,
480,632,269,394,796,274,992,601,445,529,601,919,756,015,744,946,861,111,012,
022,886,714,161,161,147,773,931,868,702,869,884,490,852,860,743,828,823,027,
319,235,368,138,865,992,343,266,288,790,246,372,010,312,873,917,433,718,997,
957,513,043,906,163,604,361,465,060,634,386,474,748,537,582,400,730,530,159,
722,940,939,826,048,191,605,429,270,124,336,981,275,770,338,138,973,577,616,
593,971,621,833,582,360,317,980,144,298,665,533,115,957,141,788,600,721,470,
250,658,181,066,937,770,192,408,683,344,698,511,389,924,513,540,955,385,986,
068,357,670,703,852,792,679,139,167,249,304,583,680,796,643,416,358,600,440,
520,072,280,863,038,081,592,154,544,270,747,037,715,498,851,168,475,607,560,
611,138,963,966,888,983,656,284,449,171,233,326,631,216,377,400,660,806,120,
540,386,444,244,638,323,057,376,171,601,637,971,899,649,659,721,093,999,368,
390,685,082,260,546,366,837,300,067,443,401,507,588,760,007,711,224,203,876,
302,325,977,304,818,038,603,718,630,000,255,840,302,557,459,495,179,075,549,
363,582,840,354,987,790,643,328,502,714,368,104,435,259,086,032,784,633,219,
981,950,714,288,365,275,795,169,344,442,417,986,953,571,445,084,667,257,645,
779,903,420,686,950,035,236,373,635,997,797,241,784,433,641,752,393,914,137,
341,953,392,759,771,435,249,910,732,345,729,142,592,917,959,066,205,535,292,
598,448,687,723,249,119,889,046,284,453,689,168,476,265,364,011,033,941,647,
276,971,920,839,364,592,580,134,373,888,421,503,390,706,541,131,854,336,458,
868,715,573,463,168,468,946,708,115,745,948,272,813,055,299,026,592,675,592,
731,439,680,121,153,957,337,008,007,647,968,358,998,074,825,384,885,748,671,
959,019,983,494,738,049,779,807,377,977,051,152,964,806,091,449,794,192,972,
501,083,985,674,996,443,156,468,519,126,946,644,957,077,909,219,434,127,902,
644,367,394,435,341,912,828,719,668,752,255,166,985,852,553,507,368,074,481,
199,419,067,623,767,369,591,212,873,473,594,202,232,044,156,174,331,473,080,
967,941,594,806,472,553,707,555,012,331,113,745,212,709,589,763,955,361,919,
122,882,011,304,686,676,910,655,457,379,868,999,971,589,191,216,488,216,541,
751,852,793,814,911,404,750,535,949,300,187,484,925,837,437,651,804,785,616,
959,019,881,309,984,056,548,806,270,456,116,453,370,405,219,435,372,547,595,
942,601,365,146,441,580,538,057,855,431,620,125,447,486,124,780,099,894,230,
652,448,279,396,782,565,238,739,301,707,121,850,930,983,800,079,628,678,351,
299,301,787,704,456,611,541,537,321,343,947,537,106,101,351,193,195,936,343,
602,930,122,992,360,748,087,753,981,993,233,084,344,411,733,223,639,183,219,
773,778,074,034,559,366,785,608,989,524,181,683,442,408,953,819,324,520,906,
940,637,386,858,403,198,020,701,662,889,681,076,874,975,308,719,004,149,166,
109,223,719,368,525,619,529,510,261,110,807,516,307,297,190,175,845,962,110,
555,630,052,985,302,651,462,511,656,729,849,223,504,148,650,490,706,856,711,
635,074,888,335,701,589,478,377,973,269,819,398,739,998,660,727,569,675,811,
617,042,408,102,778,253,624,533,207,908,630,722,333,533,136,304,860,833,953,
319,141,187,521,024,046,533,785,992,713,775,724,685,202,401,271,073,708,088,
556,714,121,800,183,245,352,292,241,659,738,392,664,307,495,545,997,772,995,
421,658,041,288,321,200,093,552,375,824,141,717,731,884,343,636,997,601,717,
440,017,201,377,429,209,130,214,217,269,181,591,888,763,203,788,884,971,870,
727,424,396,746,714,711,131,361,876,200,606,993,333,760,112,725,521,182,626,
737,279,646,463,631,025,145,546,255,189,465,091,442,357,976,493,837,002,361,
956,919,255,834,452,242,703,305,696,768,456,187,304,448,790,007,617,613,844,
578,849,663,616,871,475,131,850,204,590,577,091,027,335,977,696,875,263,844,
896,997,340,942,208,281,171,440,084,942,987,470,051,070,820,569,697,809,935,
528,409,206,580,581,607,716,209,090,646,554,078,181,617,114,977,629,081,540,
094,839,829,501,444,013,894,578,773,866,686,079,597,383,370,192,985,336,761,
729,608,733,878,631,238,593,635,368,417,417,374,881,263,553,568,889,305,307,
888,189,572,488,525,337,141,762,186,719,515,574,461,226,838,677,147,108,083,
491,660,413,827,052,755,050,586,106,089,116,938,160,069,477,667,723,155,199,
373,925,302,340,373,549,874,172,842,390,854,711,784,841,049,290,196,888,419,
132,584,703,452,626,866,057,692,381,247,929,148,657,227,857,819,802,319,538,
730,633,607,454,535,685,288,705,442,980,644,771,846,584,674,510,901,124,420,
706,904,089,276,343,102,916,739,950,132,888,330,209,491,220,733,889,504,205,
668,830,523,919,420,976,615,490,747,594,150,327,561,032,110,977,923,585,557,
947,297,345,330,773,277,531,184,439,891,775,723,764,406,464,342,485,914,416,
226,166,364,694,249,554,479,287,406,623,303,522,282,581,319,216,588,937,074,
375,846,411,966,905,513,860,037,153,323,322,768,929,484,050,085,524,914,484,
099,663,072,396,144,466,278,534,349,846,122,524,839,944,931,607,623,607,928,
908,867,919,931,011,893,838,000,365,036,674,585,505,157,797,293,416,527,639,
758,415,131,263,874,026,878,221,837,674,217,823,597,295,757,639,756,335,103,
814,510,257,672,715,794,434,384,633,052,687,849,789,385,892,570,677,414,345,
734,175,030,422,842,519,440,702,505,760,307,742,190,422,275,627,347,238,543,
460,900,216,879,636,996,989,556,428,360,118,111,998,085,431,123,774,452,854,
194,395,028,445,348,594,789,007,015,764,392,608,154,412,173,386,561,671,417,
077,425,392,837,274,630,896,454,817,187,748,285,048,389,574,310,730,089,929,
036,737,448,134,777,095,875,585,574,516,422,081,878,258,837,443,867,710,221,
930,271,840,446,455,849,884,515,717,983,251,647,725,876,969,636,912,734,850,
443,435,164,346,055,033,917,516,879,631,881,271,065,620,961,264,741,404,822,
095,026,362,667,332,682,185,875,364,598,125,213,616,764,953,676,101,127,681,
164,288,062,133,420,309,585,789,995,219,186,241,470,797,423,391,634,213,701,
830,108,682,237,186,526,491,146,808,990,228,632,983,011,212,126,242,739,170,
016,294,559,949,113,413,729,541,382,740,831,559,822,863,555,356,273,751,098,
038,633,680,013,128,660,871,853,820,189,342,366,024,553,248,314,451,160,677,
818,203,027,334,549,291,235,216,566,847,593,735,407,141,681,888,075,496,634,
171,117,541,075,264,390,666,154,171,915,183,768,102,309,568,085,715,466,031,
561,760,559,193,169,183,847,770,680,748,160,024,719,617,594,042,164,298,308,
850,480,956,705,556,130,577,080,764,636,389,115,122,851,488,596,840,790,111,
460,370,614,861,106,491,856,731,687,957,173,056,637,121,307,923,137,394,812,
714,467,970,656,785,303,199,480,369,106,290,685,075,964,452,923,238,317,355,
791,932,993,212,169,480,061,725,978,070,236,115,335,240,264,266,619,442,608,
348,761,729,139,966,228,197,947,621,412,458,121,818,261,366,535,187,484,801,
871,758,603,078,959,673,472,550,852,239,251,049,417,056,007,219,534,821,681,
352,241,405,278,386,673,200,132,642,769,954,604,824,753,375,525,332,171,011,
827,229,027,485,291,404,780,578,605,204,091,710,542,469,776,515,619,500,478,
949,781,826,013,371,842,116,881,908,954,391,880,977,808,266,898,271,437,171,
222,799,405,411,220,215,124,006,193,981,134,465,424,386,388,514,479,139,577,
993,094,752,553,950,490,748,505,910,554,576,569,031,891,925,771,090,501,147,
497,594,818,927,053,935,402,002,458,054,741,587,143,409,260,726,965,960,497,
642,217,918,689,714,450,184,025,085,894,395,564,067,691,997,209,773,798,735,
834,130,547,270,880,177,285,121,216,131,841,314,094,971,410,791,315,730,368,
766,539,549,297,867,018,145,889,086,472,470,418,843,802,065,910,159,436,478,
296,208,944,120,024,165,178,018,299,849,011,692,869,626,363,429,989,884,067,
672,619,117,200,954,976,010,545,718,563,777,178,411,908,517,397,923,976,244,
923,144,100,403,219,599,437,704,117,440,463,734,109,281,098,448,912,475,340,
720,340,765,084,931,951,146,971,856,131,734,035,685,753,112,106,983,202,648,
800,746,821,338,642,298,597,351,573,168,341,944,332,049,367,210,957,576,797,
292,230,250,422,788,252,297,593,130,535,812,079,513,511,857,793,706,745,510,
711,688,963,473,953,815,018,563,233,128,202,280,984,168,557,302,045,451,514,
098,025,859,347,390,439,076,058,918,375,892,950,703,352,687,236,643,245,081,
282,470,938,563,903,788,051,753,220,214,621,017,761,154,534,219,477,943,282,
771,708,164,383,363,942,150,445,814,460,815,273,018,859,224,049,434,778,463,
835,564,525,614,731,379,156,935,264,534,052,399,107,389,748,317,220,917,723,
962,187,042,585,637,902,676,099,779,681,343,315,586,041,988,654,576,797,590,
005,713,777,635,747,705,766,048,956,047,167,864,210,244,365,611,122,529,830,
187,277,258,068,103,824,913,666,385,901,198,916,611,173,662,251,645,959,804,
995,219,050,845,228,071,552,673,078,439,537,490,650,755,684,972,833,045,676,
193,672,558,210,066,774,476,131,851,891,393,648,190,501,139,776,531,536,810,
515,005,442,074,916,415,468,874,055,835,769,896,673,562,682,217,599,658,026,
991,924,624,441,652,350,908,785,301,948,627,693,734,467,992,778,137,887,844,
418,259,628,199,243,814,720,799,268,305,773,986,688,580,678,378,788,396,840,
506,637,125,723,442,834,562,808,913,921,468,834,672,194,550,581,480,470,866,
976,802,769,670,917,833,891,420,666,355,989,549,293,274,445,922,282,980,966,
757,946,143,453,996,245,344,251,567,096,725,883,299,323,244,172,602,737,239,
870,789,343,028,278,268,708,575,986,883,090,609,998,824,653,415,906,820,291,
573,388,953,754,375,759,087,922,687,948,606,607,755,581,853,829,585,311,702,
535,820,987,848,900,759,639,772,476,078,514,212,708,117,780,908,640,744,397,
057,580,907,683,989,541,620,562,196,551,875,902,368,717,453,133,782,329,596,
713,779,211,371,556,412,416,610,555,650,785,062,634,085,118,672,208,488,655,
147,743,406,157,729,923,150,158,390,249,202,696,746,329,681,647,740,899,734,
646,173,725,445,978,270,403,430,177,119,697,266,024,540,074,986,111,456,598,
238,572,170,495,974,076,889,943,809,623,971,112,960,493,513,344,390,202,181,
647,996,298,985,317,086,564,687,579,882,771,785,452,948,170,323,378,468,555,
454,973,229,500,301,429,827,026,978,668,014,786,309,970,560,025,780,805,972,
658,866,028,473,107,898,264,331,484,367,737,684,871,316,172,119,935,309,665,
901,532,295,565,911,998,796,748,977,682,150,922,965,823,378,100,567,223,289,
118,785,765,041,815,858,235,128,342,824,730,451,005,370,040,821,553,134,610,
259,143,034,466,531,370,479,229,075,789,197,225,114,699,710,399,735,369,890,
803,816,484,641,095,300,209,053,937,180,251,444,510,466,085,026,473,928,413,
349,140,845,751,190,224,484,462,062,291,833,120,232,242,119,827,413,671,527,
908,234,705,284,888,232,043,409,394,504,783,728,124,551,995,427,411,382,252,
398,344,638,404,161,387,902,290,179,640,195,259,493,820,427,439,930,436,949,
232,927,913,412,896,077,530,229,885,037,745,294,521,476,358,038,334,182,604,
126,998,658,614,415,992,797,224,390,651,531,982,694,721,302,911,841,754,380,
652,121,290,041,981,182,190,641,805,621,797,038,759,903,157,777,354,250,158,
550,478,140,622,451,354,393,422,822,228,576,476,061,565,487,646,550,051,732,
231,043,601,217,317,976,467,181,357,312,227,540,968,393,187,561,451,253,054,
789,431,744,109,734,388,447,074,377,997,628,391,442,589,712,472,842,282,496,
599,855,559,594,053,131,455,716,784,391,889,958,235,924,552,124,300,523,898,
607,969,317,745,545,631,160,431,353,766,417,164,227,418,766,893,320,532,256,
866,734,917,630,326,252,918,291,838,905,455,016,191,584,020,146,682,530,755,
163,011,902,032,819,311,309,960,095,804,246,873,510,424,584,264,096,394,699,
306,670,088,013,299,076,548,538,799,973,032,145,999,136,840,782,737,011,647,
657,200,888,292,792,583,275,393,644,507,756,794,465,510,998,538,320,702,787,
950,865,745,704,435,557,581,732,180,066,358,676,587,336,001,088,308,072,635,
841,068,793,487,992,957,731,712,602,027,373,353,956,185,468,182,032,224,148,
187,974,219,776,973,615,768,075,194,975,248,907,215,260,342,147,612,699,739,
640,393,935,436,190,556,969,120,878,158,357,207,895,100,853,613,987,110,133,
684,459,899,486,435,623,503,745,387,799,866,299,211,102,498,028,639,148,246,
432,225,992,647,405,793,335,082,423,709,256,861,876,941,610,775,317,675,133,
601,150,846,659,691,926,749,923,242,738,391,469,711,159,116,336,381,915,434,
424,593,014,185,114,830,017,352,541,943,311,618,935,141,791,223,901,422,259,
427,838,815,907,539,432,477,614,692,381,022,944,287,306,481,176,714,620,559,
009,987,830,221,259,930,624,711,672,848,003,254,859,888,710,758,406,079,962,
719,178,597,728,385,829,287,328,450,105,358,942,454,471,326,496,858,171,508,
760,959,037,213,633,731,926,200,466,920,495,722,994,212,284,028,000,190,751,
610,599,489,876,728,366,432,841,413,993,713,650,041,386,286,765,432,469,503,
718,837,950,951,571,618,882,635,770,007,155,160,313,424,849,952,286,962,952,
302,904,613,085,507,681,699,282,139,359,444,705,942,995,593,019,794,309,575,
508,960,795,147,337,061,359,050,565,541,865,101,793,073,038,144,874,012,765,
895,974,004,081,670,571,880,097,267,086,490,066,932,356,937,441,408,800,921,
761,738,915,793,270,737,169,601,644,359,173,050,007,391,399,659,705,319,944,
823,320,155,135,839,490,332,700,221,547,710,738,576,021,725,700,131,597,007,
211,117,915,549,173,435,084,366,029,939,187,723,140,956,398,380,080,427,798,
898,797,352,946,386,430,787,204,027,994,744,397,402,811,604,775,451,118,611,
474,910,269,713,051,908,084,167,669,775,944,986,011,822,680,218,291,951,261,
995,876,080,342,404,819,648,137,906,879,686,707,610,972,347,150,947,814,892,
260,373,597,006,195,059,478,367,088,616,245,054,986,544,969,060,283,562,691,
836,797,999,331,842,501,233,430,292,058,158,566,839,352,574,814,518,624,103,
868,713,810,439,750,115,467,493,230,228,612,128,575,796,307,856,946,987,822,
510,338,299,271,775,422,112,471,459,416,496,340,824,380,091,406,572,347,358,
127,670,883,626,316,161,870,987,168,837,437,685,071,525,250,057,715,566,983,
806,993,021,021,849,909,356,128,273,394,072,107,305,646,500,011,543,871,515,
388,589,185,188,274,160,422,952,303,793,732,183,481,970,154,108,997,599,287,
760,243,459,465,491,906,227,204,893,657,437,131,035,734,149,495,145,221,216,
328,677,575,132,194,333,446,506,345,667,176,631,215,597,620,974,834,695,637,
041,743,205,155,548,733,588,100,793,788,247,206,562,741,596,735,771,079,053,
326,488,979,348,054,445,699,333,806,531,340,854,298,532,422,890,121,033,686,
305,427,486,377,248,424,968,995,883,123,309,583,150,447,612,825,641,936,514,
136,488,908,778,662,766,665,824,162,614,285,103,851,772,757,696,117,639,944,
501,847,050,739,916,190,214,328,621,840,190,238,246,049,508,716,853,672,375,
722,757,539,768,184,851,565,580,349,105,881,928,023,221,584,608,563,306,808,
385,742,748,297,643,746,416,576,917,013,326,835,257,160,065,833,397,054,130,
274,017,870,411,302,466,098,844,864,093,835,645,252,585,026,807,153,455,939,
500,056,376,797,862,231,835,612,418,791,883,257,336,882,676,544,376,991,698,
892,130,054,280,747,742,764,052,613,525,727,171,592,256,114,277,216,950,416,
230,082,742,613,712,666,340,597,840,453,139,536,368,149,689,850,910,830,069,
213,431,355,758,086,557,065,006,361,770,564,081,111,164,406,953,318,424,427,
410,344,140,141,460,372,152,570,305,387,961,548,218,181,071,652,365,192,024,
389,178,544,283,337,290,644,090,110,283,717,189,809,141,306,059,691,254,328,
992,864,801,660,180,750,117,065,905,723,199,839,527,715,193,240,846,977,823,
544,000,075,351,368,449,911,457,369,486,365,806,585,041,421,809,662,307,727,
333,352,943,270,127,454,014,650,325,140,746,827,456,414,064,952,153,607,161,
802,846,013,128,422,257,793,801,728,856,210,698,051,081,608,034,556,943,203,
047,881,069,109,053,166,384,829,740,583,454,965,339,080,759,855,170,685,346,
856,480,458,987,088,597,471,636,271,804,061,065,678,921,986,595,548,413,991,
651,983,946,479,326,358,551,307,994,846,261,116,056,906,207,076,921,789,833,
793,641,085,769,938,066,992,097,138,660,245,522,369,376,362,224,530,810,707,
486,604,715,910,514,835,913,440,555,702,891,614,082,341,854,686,142,785,069,
296,533,109,321,661,225,583,724,367,822,116,167,355,882,981,412,380,358,232,
203,344,001,198,178,674,960,193,227,194,755,857,798,104,606,263,983,590,133,
102,347,320,015,993,729,308,169,918,831,021,669,177,474,017,210,922,549,809,
286,899,167,718,990,197,028,764,355,130,709,168,795,292,807,275,154,892,799,
928,244,718,867,246,314,359,846,113,067,759,657,209,021,825,749,265,213,618,
474,869,485,027,239,088,496,489,779,227,967,047,551,206,757,423,473,883,708,
398,795,322,689,888,647,500,008,070,075,773,397,018,123,204,976,257,629,745,
438,133,140,435,189,863,995,238,900,348,165,010,219,457,406,111,693,593,877,
160,314,340,342,503,291,950,314,803,953,383,900,933,766,805,117,123,870,849,
563,197,973,607,706,904,863,219,606,125,289,675,353,238,108,885,970,756,071,
955,719,063,645,320,389,823,277,627,450,941,118,299,149,736,138,057,789,438,
801,615,873,813,219,580,294,061,643,754,205,701,374,228,422,493,436,724,019,
602,375,986,540,846,029,626,807,601,650,697,014,732,075,281,502,733,749,492,
829,189,126,580,991,950,968,920,829,446,429,776,554,938,216,435,443,667,446,
122,303,572,380,834,008,875,806,340,387,258,562,089,875,690,132,134,331,844,
910,322,908,793,759,539,285,036,832,837,329,602,020,159,758,375,540,313,165,
102,621,792,857,184,862,098,566,269,622,648,235,974,494,388,899,955,132,715,
506,548,050,406,514,563,860,948,386,730,660,673,732,917,195,444,122,946,938,
666,126,451,981,442,676,509,468,600,035,335,830,106,854,615,934,206,381,258,
964,326,546,632,992,670,438,836,692,311,645,980,886,579,939,856,286,384,418,
158,270,062,548,942,913,120,553,573,604,058,011,673,221,575,559,744,067,473,
786,602,038,850,956,613,023,213,508,010,712,157,577,360,948,973,018,604,688,
450,618,991,663,239,437,817,965,294,994,048,608,042,694,240,987,149,006,834,
600,971,876,727,642,863,217,693,014,151,675,544,809,258,104,365,525,453,763,
570,094,549,910,041,525,044,381,930,998,851,004,347,271,426,922,795,095,018,
746,532,529,426,694,858,747,324,226,586,896,367,368,454,510,276,829,527,700,
894,763,084,602,086,670,507,305,016,587,563,210,647,156,683,642,216,763,749,
725,214,855,616,926,217,755,354,729,722,628,921,211,227,356,488,692,447,147,
114,118,683,338,122,905,327,242,007,737,947,886,307,968,922,188,310,926,100,
073,553,389,362,887,211,136,940,985,148,907,175,639,648,535,268,601,906,904,
436,440,829,058,007,283,841,598,871,951,769,800,017,561,623,140,578,817,319,
387,968,271,309,600,971,313,614,204,008,888,997,905,484,661,557,968,388,774,
162,337,359,120,890,682,582,551,196,882,082,609,682,649,560,862,041,743,676,
347,162,480,819,627,616,148,737,659,396,928,054,539,800,570,795,324,360,373,
126,697,059,079,847,681,963,709,140,179,399,715,093,941,981,297,320,544,181,
702,000,604,656,831,768,094,383,342,026,265,342,355,112,248,052,813,792,877,
679,448,920,633,195,607,207,963,302,654,961,442,325,652,308,384,793,884,759,
082,143,251,167,653,201,646,246,643,637,143,862,312,828,400,666,681,979,213,
848,005,965,292,589,906,793,098,783,883,551,113,058,842,301,140,585,958,002,
320,204,217,922,778,391,891,207,080,626,233,962,106,893,946,358,585,168,117,
675,317,289,380,934,126,349,504,615,308,452,475,980,002,444,815,584,766,117,
088,314,522,552,264,788,917,355,046,642,446,034,005,982,911,164,852,865,260,
130,758,721,567,195,663,065,061,892,861,998,840,280,452,035,967,538,328,514,
547,198,462,642,647,107,464,185,469,981,703,940,773,278,555,290,966,031,304,
945,320,116,490,166,188,526,741,221,755,819,700,815,668,331,357,646,358,653,
342,391,375,567,525,955,659,676,319,717,963,687,335,641,290,620,104,348,571,
872,207,365,407,845,623,105,045,972,052,990,918,978,887,058,535,838,041,196,
115,104,315,915,915,195,706,888,527,789,998,582,871,600,790,742,661,656,398,
056,712,409,624,169,047,960,506,988,653,384,330,924,477,755,197,856,564,796,
555,800,631,824,829,684,751,937,205,975,481,744,201,715,219,072,954,876,403,
580,459,288,543,840,836,121,093,346,033,950,474,739,603,268,899,591,460,360,
358,978,555,598,527,025,766,909,458,633,822,943,206,403,572,439,684,659,265,
234,327,367,979,568,792,867,116,515,445,746,634,935,861,794,700,811,693,393,
539,219,427,233,775,225,002,041,203,728,954,053,066,389,335,510,524,480,643,
511,356,365,779,713,861,263,281,034,983,206,492,765,939,840,956,387,846,384,
828,606,382,400,961,985,772,657,057,528,419,637,494,535,124,501,629,492,220,
657,374,181,071,548,528,752,623,113,826,029,232,854,341,389,273,772,333,319,
324,917,938,530,732,756,647,048,463,899,619,461,947,350,750,615,334,425,264,
414,973,770,726,745,660,296,789,157,598,990,895,218,245,078,905,144,209,608,
158,294,083,153,020,269,873,478,289,243,378,270,016,506,323,189,355,099,352,
165,726,255,120,210,967,458,098,692,281,676,680,845,667,259,403,539,975,857,
666,392,587,556,580,540,633,943,645,052,742,802,964,773,043,400,364,057,874,
697,235,587,183,178,682,571,096,440,248,304,986,510,725,580,349,657,520,465,
293,619,901,953,866,394,544,015,885,860,283,067,567,133,877,840,981,225,786,
204,403,320,196,385,903,895,277,967,094,807,553,513,005,747,133,125,296,061,
202,114,811,182,021,802,692,708,123,145,551,565,614,037,048,488,863,907,368,
155,791,360,686,228,406,915,673,919,152,126,431,251,891,728,550,603,420,418,
822,621,002,802,382,001,181,068,136,211,287,973,016,133,579,100,374,511,377,
754,112,183,979,439,460,117,010,625,462,731,791,365,710,608,707,233,364,409,
558,878,258,559,560,271,989,274,759,245,667,018,966,444,799,843,933,411,838,
359,271,896,265,324,881,705,107,022,673,193,100,246,756,729,502,107,378,219,
671,573,396,006,717,290,327,248,961,844,134,358,992,677,946,471,401,260,413,
751,480,310,381,424,925,275,214,567,958,294,630,811,315,585,631,585,510,012,
730,450,881,793,826,682,820,765,394,336,932,233,653,373,828,686,133,168,214,
759,008,463,787,036,514,959,198,108,600,947,279,806,034,341,610,753,507,674,
802,670,725,790,641,716,537,440,251,821,873,198,169,281,896,088,926,526,028,
742,749,940,505,645,770,773,753,362,873,956,929,810,082,732,218,354,544,200,
805,458,102,033,021,046,914,281,690,642,704,923,706,092,723,028,966,609,631,
506,023,252,375,439,255,456,288,252,117,541,321,471,507,562,876,105,154,285,
080,355,527,148,289,452,130,955,525,158,164,424,082,028,101,790,693,796,729,
301,830,143,804,148,626,460,826,561,494,718,059,331,073,043,181,693,231,033,
610,044,855,674,330,355,805,026,052,725,055,920,874,727,148,060,338,623,069,
741,293,943,298,256,990,503,220,686,771,738,366,912,806,459,427,212,127,384,
664,995,994,019,293,953,930,788,786,178,545,674,814,809,294,962,848,711,978,
633,164,198,912,777,299,190,547,831,468,951,276,579,704,066,408,950,915,400,
824,842,697,890,175,604,992,063,337,994,107,458,920,144,080,557,304,990,379,
219,391,918,486,597,529,997,707,933,850,546,138,180,568,384,080,200,684,556,
356,993,560,235,668,817,638,583,666,024,759,384,802,695,277,050,036,320,431,
673,107,398,871,251,171,577,396,682,141,242,768,269,823,140,256,115,508,880,
691,498,163,457,084,801,604,098,724,265,897,940,276,501,224,436,106,029,903,
402,312,708,187,676,029,323,022,239,824,025,092,817,664,586,906,926,485,980,
851,856,898,518,129,581,404,708,939,735,178,732,633,894,732,624,611,879,072,
906,974,539,801,649,300,044,955,107,508,098,181,900,045,149,142,311,352,439,
798,244,276,931,544,059,064,333,985,786,237,067,602,587,927,333,115,887,774,
081,435,129,867,915,326,819,023,230,458,906,075,384,635,596,318,973,567,605,
463,150,190,079,273,843,289,684,118,858,556,037,112,546,972,758,239,375,813,
849,739,149,421,461,118,491,687,971,653,633,051,930,669,362,771,000,783,987,
166,058,623,159,052,423,441,849,732,062,023,986,844,391,600,713,820,348,035,
590,820,190,870,669,749,587,118,005,514,010,633,050,224,555,292,880,722,764,
224,389,633,339,168,109,749,548,065,272,413,153,392,133,516,012,504,126,961,
520,487,664,067,372,531,532,766,914,432,502,141,896,463,595,345,991,517,932,
258,905,809,592,044,262,980,676,124,517,747,680,825,218,707,595,288,624,667,
114,506,705,017,553,252,613,954,594,422,750,063,258,665,272,399,010,780,930,
581,742,731,180,230,303,457,146,132,846,157,049,174,709,338,950,532,721,507,
730,383,905,854,210,117,538,711,849,328,951,748,295,866,047,496,785,983,411,
644,185,352,883,548,074,539,342,728,948,153,620,321,461,328,607,665,747,678,
058,813,011,433,711,582,209,368,981,230,794,434,220,074,268,607,662,117,174,
168,339,017,936,278,695,570,560,772,202,420,820,270,939,079,159,474,627,940,
350,296,914,741,248,028,272,201,571,834,695,762,959,632,772,067,424,745,696,
242,592,018,843,404,897,154,782,747,460,396,763,999,200,173,057,476,972,239,
971,745,935,224,807,536,090,656,350,156,484,146,190,760,102,300,669,961,465,
720,776,262,096,733,126,404,794,234,629,555,840,697,756,095,532,019,076,073,
984,599,569,723,866,266,216,985,519,262,039,857,550,536,981,689,337,777,763,
139,434,492,073,739,933,219,594,931,123,873,145,357,436,286,605,569,997,025,
677,933,266,748,155,177,527,498,611,247,861,224,791,236,201,541,466,423,658,
853,840,170,229,304,252,551,041,261,898,915,687,504,234,943,082,125,689,802,
109,298,098,422,338,637,450,707,308,246,238,547,575,408,993,705,952,345,389,
511,696,281,558,829,575,098,584,334,914,061,206,871,103,300,620,824,741,482,
996,863,817,471,523,088,441,528,456,118,083,718,072,284,972,992,580,633,805,
779,583,718,894,675,341,461,828,083,442,099,384,570,882,012,994,900,700,651,
994,240,722,296,022,097,485,865,075,021,157,872,052,697,914,727,351,829,909,
629,830,573,732,117,236,353,934,093,600,919,199,212,363,000,454,202,747,629,
226,211,262,513,548,142,896,303,220,055,286,175,796,328,640,390,695,017,100,
292,379,755,053,635,251,574,742,869,449,632,188,334,377,704,089,061,424,621,
732,942,228,119,408,764,395,455,351,692,021,181,462,696,912,861,155,028,148,
673,525,261,822,956,306,039,849,479,255,751,124,086,613,447,907,279,189,108,
206,447,370,905,796,098,627,213,778,607,050,571,284,416,539,210,210,136,479,
323,870,287,538,359,489,767,507,304,417,189,349,050,145,360,616,647,134,157,
763,876,215,569,234,970,198,187,442,796,422,152,279,591,551,545,003,025,472,
718,989,681,022,472,833,409,388,131,116,952,573,376,140,331,474,485,809,446,
658,490,429,378,562,397,613,028,703,937,942,296,701,460,133,659,138,796,188,
682,641,865,294,137,760,753,206,622,874,122,366,777,428,849,338,209,915,117,
659,776,003,404,889,454,991,493,772,124,976,920,074,427,061,127,920,873,156,
525,797,475,431,340,917,946,047,203,382,625,717,139,323,358,437,834,083,053,
178,611,638,692,459,899,247,845,870,703,110,845,430,641,930,968,707,655,107,
535,599,992,770,323,868,313,026,620,440,463,991,542,402,854,153,124,351,608,
973,909,148,655,543,318,773,765,808,990,711,489,993,823,658,747,308,292,435,
497,266,219,120,320,537,490,746,323,294,139,203,401,144,420,915,527,544,961,
163,184,200,011,688,461,943,598,942,809,528,010,433,518,391,682,499,362,611,
009,070,719,074,444,546,884,952,386,706,495,166,265,426,810,077,384,119,572,
142,737,013,670,181,688,227,631,651,268,847,910,110,027,594,360,263,796,302,
118,678,944,440,930,868,499,771,944,818,604,720,697,414,184,352,292,875,032,
316,817,359,209,496,671,786,808,297,855,407,125,447,075,903,151,638,257,069,
956,630,298,086,267,751,764,955,483,038,308,044,166,275,701,170,036,735,768,
572,567,719,207,964,772,834,224,545,044,972,350,894,648,155,887,838,448,419,
331,731,190,434,351,733,636,234,172,116,946,423,136,988,993,648,417,944,578,
030,831,938,948,721,343,313,037,054,126,564,900,675,363,079,731,943,532,033,
245,942,181,203,960,853,408,284,809,092,630,520,740,724,321,607,775,887,713,
001,423,026,851,705,500,458,169,365,369,642,845,177,624,487,869,288,952,001,
764,911,005,005,737,511,051,433,241,938,404,667,169,214,122,751,022,327,951,
246,422,985,081,790,284,327,716,059,891,907,909,512,379,657,622,799,626,816,
574,021,401,348,002,754,244,981,900,237,598,506,469,991,269,354,345,293,308,
346,312,779,442,404,732,961,037,135,236,870,771,883,563,613,556,254,299,905,
328,910,471,459,552,198,363,636,654,235,008,066,887,705,351,119,568,226,802,
190,853,759,076,666,506,079,645,385,011,573,186,633,037,606,941,854,157,939,
262,437,804,970,884,802,683,784,190,808,360,886,479,186,348,379,389,892,155,
400,610,659,969,844,572,888,872,567,174,753,444,363,634,040,846,731,032,989,
752,557,217,103,548,883,830,302,135,942,112,865,570,067,881,183,348,927,808,
678,548,700,601,054,086,749,252,214,883,795,863,939,899,209,472,702,533,868,
544,857,014,705,674,893,932,843,371,468,884,725,628,834,663,726,428,657,789,
535,809,785,184,593,930,867,049,837,667,564,427,772,505,089,827,749,029,700,
107,095,354,100,646,416,249,923,588,567,830,290,525,927,570,180,838,506,647,
803,987,770,721,553,148,449,073,730,463,152,546,276,823,936,042,880,473,369,
459,153,311,368,107,791,787,656,580,039,666,566,452,186,211,898,425,011,541,
357,663,276,957,580,907,464,328,667,338,729,608,042,956,061,813,650,505,622,
912,605,461,239,629,756,259,662,441,951,919,279,233,274,670,171,216,984,524,
344,601,396,937,289,160,318,997,763,274,962,300,819,968,033,504,107,396,205,
800,553,462,116,146,510,176,250,416,826,699,377,058,115,710,350,859,415,885,
623,245,034,611,000,287,783,849,758,178,421,476,442,115,817,060,963,415,606,
722,581,089,259,831,315,431,264,049,806,346,339,743,965,329,111,093,290,513,
621,560,743,354,285,861,616,915,972,856,298,400,586,508,130,229,288,838,842,
723,956,727,150,404,603,519,915,967,334,842,012,663,312,646,417,209,586,931,
207,544,143,040,017,803,650,054,775,188,772,591,843,326,008,849,159,574,965,
753,461,182,557,783,116,266,448,136,033,469,890,564,045,961,721,824,740,381,
418,547,002,729,588,360,728,104,245,034,400,695,976,457,924,408,400,001,158,
219,354,527,464,521,527,206,764,133,196,037,441,403,921,278,832,624,601,461,
112,267,125,309,159,931,776,234,572,979,482,114,338,985,819,564,574,429,305,
381,453,290,167,988,885,750,920,484,971,056,850,434,139,692,244,745,590,821,
544,515,378,070,148,835,486,352,052,114,656,125,596,770,851,717,365,127,822,
318,261,668,377,180,426,030,779,171,150,083,972,118,179,380,130,994,461,635,
807,463,668,956,385,929,007,088,166,329,310,684,388,814,278,225,967,478,540,
306,537,123,809,859,500,796,391,130,215,327,960,890,891,558,168,371,664,713,
547,558,350,064,552,789,796,874,564,695,144,920,578,995,493,137,502,980,473,
909,467,243,887,442,611,132,247,938,853,686,048,160,727,977,690,671,132,917,
286,824,877,746,713,309,966,009,823,891,246,163,424,809,223,845,424,841,763,
923,355,524,521,191,928,278,429,608,370,213,407,980,729,637,177,178,369,601,
852,186,139,885,235,217,412,059,166,026,596,190,486,033,925,878,317,771,593,
472,590,650,822,303,213,414,772,870,177,705,984,509,102,220,973,349,834,001,
384,426,686,135,009,682,324,917,071,975,642,465,820,709,473,526,917,956,595,
982,554,553,267,108,280,096,299,628,956,996,192,108,146,272,759,400,505,646,
929,000,743,922,043,490,355,778,948,726,289,561,205,839,963,580,847,736,489,
090,850,887,742,828,490,075,042,661,565,305,180,104,163,564,976,628,769,873,
551,385,385,884,943,379,991,519,592,690,961,047,183,225,493,042,110,143,864,
560,780,489,778,907,145,299,804,692,105,384,034,373,548,858,828,997,143,565,
504,902,290,729,247,935,832,983,124,432,348,474,935,174,954,809,372,486,748,
024,991,288,149,314,886,915,439,184,678,435,716,810,621,012,223,962,465,471,
062,201,735,666,803,637,339,844,618,103,072,964,813,898,402,971,368,058,921,
490,309,439,612,464,119,158,935,167,919,298,761,155,899,018,910,992,412,904,
198,769,344,818,262,834,555,816,882,815,428,623,158,360,993,283,676,237,940,
137,510,498,386,097,144,443,575,894,880,325,984,989,602,490,300,949,101,722,
286,684,277,176,448,655,218,962,891,101,463,381,473,269,931,688,155,327,750,
771,485,018,970,333,522,997,254,896,570,882,927,943,668,929,863,140,819,541,
118,634,592,137,048,161,802,871,355,200,982,835,047,780,663,038,122,016,063,
593,041,132,089,197,122,283,226,183,128,238,255,369,509,079,847,301,190,466,
459,977,277,767,468,958,394,211,977,507,761,670,595,850,176,987,682,312,331,
993,944,042,601,921,304,285,845,068,244,436,474,582,089,863,974,200,639,852,
256,510,985,719,351,764,767,834,242,251,278,317,215,738,581,517,293,395,290,
118,078,469,503,847,952,233,153,054,518,298,109,190,574,521,437,889,171,913,
381,138,083,832,047,325,947,821,461,208,756,251,104,824,288,549,148,536,663,
254,924,807,884,600,027,250,768,514,005,435,284,372,096,831,678,814,734,633,
674,405,473,643,965,922,899,495,093,564,671,966,549,590,084,491,520,039,432,
927,940,090,850,724,606,722,165,854,478,905,974,376,064,341,042,740,354,095,
485,833,535,070,467,727,823,697,345,845,984,182,516,403,677,394,736,230,730,
120,198,006,424,340,791,374,713,897,973,705,318,245,703,921,648,822,843,246,
551,222,503,602,575,846,803,140,959,991,599,795,013,789,395,136,968,803,402,
791,902,190,836,957,722,371,516,235,298,116,828,993,351,588,249,181,636,895,
617,220,416,408,329,089,887,122,096,651,528,395,077,024,749,587,210,045,140,
473,823,085,195,392,919,871,858,890,308,628,862,473,856,517,011,710,077,103,
831,628,571,862,501,843,405,853,078,050,022,001,798,413,660,541,940,906,022,
810,908,619,981,962,969,220,131,817,538,538,459,364,450,349,651,870,362,815,
323,380,487,973,898,860,505,277,007,077,382,111,101,654,026,745,715,544,225,
102,755,466,782,354,183,823,105,570,339,334,706,701,662,744,085,487,261,699,
963,434,905,517,661,438,288,185,620,642,152,155,604,891,926,968,981,594,702,
179,901,971,130,277,668,383,972,279,329,565,695,545,555,459,894,351,080,341,
571,395,152,968,684,104,136,478,997,601,405,980,712,829,107,098,261,108,846,
711,871,289,678,973,244,215,239,378,360,360,028,811,120,390,740,423,415,502,
625,054,676,577,416,789,626,349,787,778,079,252,659,824,740,421,576,211,385,
862,462,477,828,042,292,050,203,945,698,759,939,720,788,579,549,286,046,258,
564,324,960,019,763,580,949,741,599,550,306,995,694,564,304,239,815,475,986,
562,440,691,863,372,008,222,591,499,394,204,390,292,288,188,085,137,558,644,
011,446,684,322,904,395,924,941,761,938,457,580,849,532,062,256,847,940,999,
756,296,742,957,456,574,275,604,145,061,028,094,367,704,701,905,739,719,904,
296,103,925,267,995,764,397,834,642,065,909,450,309,320,915,767,728,694,463,
217,833,809,369,679,130,103,979,917,841,532,921,256,153,527,522,430,739,593,
987,022,981,971,342,533,337,635,877,709,833,317,302,649,962,400,219,833,904,
009,853,194,700,858,904,326,776,981,262,392,457,790,375,314,420,107,703,969,
973,421,417,494,974,835,547,745,568,592,013,609,976,739,162,581,150,136,125,
684,678,655,851,023,214,739,505,143,843,756,770,955,035,968,683,975,803,020,
435,278,224,695,079,339,823,623,392,824,459,891,678,831,769,497,237,710,572,
041,182,046,697,476,910,041,679,098,480,085,674,462,342,940,391,300,728,147,
597,132,452,266,456,066,761,635,430,639,321,503,494,491,981,573,236,310,143,
698,881,878,873,442,212,652,748,447,779,883,255,777,153,233,432,496,542,717,
898,806,391,507,602,669,569,687,520,054,231,063,023,083,067,611,030,647,954,
113,074,544,307,777,936,200,527,974,484,374,392,140,892,757,479,684,210,010,
912,211,473,575,835,168,148,830,301,881,697,254,523,029,148,536,109,516,782,
064,769,502,922,661,798,393,238,555,105,683,400,441,294,583,754,589,214,652,
103,528,631,278,730,887,820,902,899,709,668,722,417,608,442,618,722,120,774,
728,336,460,428,932,365,025,168,080,511,160,598,143,181,160,927,637,067,220,
934,667,673,553,056,064,366,673,344,720,620,966,691,860,907,262,599,768,539,
252,877,840,848,671,019,812,602,762,343,259,784,922,153,240,250,653,282,922,
685,980,584,219,506,925,061,990,975,681,213,068,365,481,871,723,163,145,283,
397,740,266,776,569,320,880,699,371,703,385,332,158,394,333,940,214,674,039,
277,780,519,329,602,571,060,531,363,182,299,350,183,275,999,986,860,461,243,
063,418,212,241,632,160,965,532,251,316,972,060,853,999,805,809,281,994,731,
415,075,060,331,827,573,369,773,978,564,701,616,990,608,446,940,568,966,889,
243,151,533,431,539,177,374,216,208,553,848,967,623,189,510,874,603,928,814,
259,502,748,067,445,029,979,507,017,602,987,428,350,275,471,689,040,129,019,
627,696,139,234,813,642,860,348,959,185,773,128,873,428,714,959,905,456,403,
820,142,414,055,222,290,572,423,638,033,485,499,050,085,363,416,765,805,412,
607,906,660,948,202,608,800,301,999,410,873,759,459,792,636,275,196,804,846,
806,599,255,982,285,974,542,577,401,010,879,032,606,880,163,621,708,920,602,
884,997,610,204,125,559,659,894,512,560,953,948,042,869,009,552,030,978,404,
650,129,171,356,899,054,263,131,269,851,460,124,836,991,457,415,735,186,296,
986,041,194,577,515,702,140,842,544,833,475,181,060,231,442,773,043,788,561,
562,271,636,649,958,242,971,431,341,718,280,331,965,631,363,481,066,974,819,
220,940,268,180,108,285,160,832,577,877,867,472,808,569,928,456,233,162,062,
677,321,222,866,076,380,695,701,306,952,427,128,932,720,022,050,643,944,425,
719,193,413,868,536,412,515,009,048,386,223,072,337,307,412,369,317,793,972,
653,087,053,817,074,826,368,595,009,243,324,228,922,134,282,750,412,959,760,
308,058,678,082,671,976,669,091,605,917,108,557,402,533,190,203,343,169,955,
383,247,338,287,373,835,967,885,648,542,134,373,713,959,573,258,314,745,788,
330,997,473,576,678,389,077,894,882,772,004,384,556,949,871,363,846,882,415,
658,360,674,475,897,457,828,012,916,636,334,688,515,255,541,722,870,451,152,
586,484,849,928,085,364,587,535,006,790,032,879,468,766,968,546,329,018,681,
988,691,955,382,814,962,191,957,682,385,074,607,837,846,528,902,841,792,316,
908,277,854,741,022,093,177,224,804,006,494,974,169,055,119,576,276,769,406,
602,188,907,331,925,745,235,614,223,344,870,969,855,548,164,283,420,902,612,
776,574,520,848,285,249,039,145,726,717,343,124,064,188,888,210,752,714,869,
289,301,000,762,617,566,038,222,560,131,326,368,874,713,825,813,740,793,415,
066,256,467,539,968,825,565,493,175,916,237,620,087,707,295,645,784,340,760,
402,157,683,606,569,215,223,047,792,041,352,194,782,848,210,472,599,768,691,
089,988,463,056,435,326,791,508,775,235,598,431,688,332,661,312,833,175,067,
721,293,505,273,093,872,707,203,392,326,953,366,943,765,627,911,902,812,836,
479,905,563,681,158,843,622,677,701,168,470,851,330,464,767,702,823,477,220,
972,578,048,975,012,840,729,693,368,021,220,938,198,212,197,854,467,947,606,
164,958,319,337,271,779,470,291,835,870,843,005,831,723,559,357,892,056,391,
064,396,275,529,394,619,559,038,356,060,878,508,879,699,396,819,210,545,043,
070,911,919,085,901,748,607,666,094,521,090,876,573,601,334,082,725,264,896,
082,245,897,735,264,781,248,898,450,913,756,231,649,315,068,990,064,506,351,
034,984,308,245,942,019,629,997,091,101,283,106,483,669,936,210,997,189,384,
071,811,866,892,697,481,544,129,484,276,807,983,748,023,269,822,507,500,502,
256,558,605,123,231,529,389,565,164,955,452,460,990,530,479,438,724,801,657,
860,874,598,697,834,189,991,031,706,473,529,729,247,978,486,006,279,609,348,
905,304,722,303,241,864,150,178,128,207,690,735,431,555,841,639,536,570,364,
592,068,609,222,085,550,855,804,357,159,395,012,987,321,194,572,782,287,747,
214,558,347,385,634,080,980,451,016,674,113,371,379,812,398,977,743,757,285,
530,305,860,727,452,370,630,509,948,103,057,606,136,656,482,488,603,336,701,
328,018,966,694,283,214,469,998,569,096,051,463,982,923,667,553,117,314,734,
211,405,917,844,507,572,113,178,131,988,478,355,486,497,583,223,190,745,542,
628,484,861,307,908,433,324,102,395,544,462,765,576,695,753,382,657,060,109,
684,388,168,533,854,843,123,532,916,493,949,034,155,551,677,833,850,158,236,
514,152,254,231,863,754,982,662,444,409,808,829,498,994,182,604,188,406,999,
278,708,777,308,068,451,599,127,473,163,430,161,908,430,844,949,344,982,234,
650,104,632,462,325,937,497,602,990,738,942,741,286,686,070,820,840,548,053,
506,540,171,059,384,312,484,580,917,154,953,005,791,231,115,622,362,084,050,
027,871,767,502,291,120,255,511,244,823,489,873,907,257,034,428,973,839,366,
017,742,208,945,864,573,428,759,903,820,145,742,758,012,853,018,494,026,897,
772,047,628,029,576,610,745,074,745,952,354,612,605,330,736,606,068,308,136,
989,028,916,302,785,248,644,505,847,087,332,346,917,714,959,523,977,991,026,
965,389,696,016,649,425,230,489,789,492,762,503,600,391,795,734,146,395,657,
570,883,119,168,159,085,594,882,185,103,559,650,094,357,375,435,895,600,569,
912,753,723,726,788,607,584,528,787,599,533,733,320,544,654,874,118,020,699,
528,582,090,778,402,272,110,381,619,547,102,754,712,481,739,335,383,322,543,
372,212,354,258,932,557,914,960,695,881,262,005,280,004,648,997,375,393,749,
696,228,415,149,386,182,687,221,683,383,343,209,925,915,204,993,964,262,910,
036,605,937,014,097,444,618,151,977,818,958,898,647,908,946,939,651,817,174,
012,068,666,961,943,388,185,129,162,470,637,404,257,970,502,847,854,135,225,
572,794,958,947,911,158,716,562,577,443,070,262,059,523,073,743,762,096,654,
319,399,642,264,752,530,867,234,620,203,170,488,627,305,412,588,443,026,036,
026,063,257,769,868,204,384,295,693,510,347,027,855,901,781,477,166,577,959,
058,790,387,692,172,277,188,231,994,125,770,974,490,388,398,785,326,225,913,
964,134,982,043,700,815,183,454,226,573,711,808,270,509,952,995,146,304,460,
446,653,486,541,488,554,915,001,004,069,010,993,070,316,659,690,874,639,503,
986,678,637,053,903,714,976,947,122,308,423,231,212,024,533,432,412,834,408,
124,923,550,895,122,969,460,509,023,003,374,826,662,750,699,491,224,356,244,
524,729,603,078,144,465,758,271,288,304,432,686,017,537,606,032,976,431,307,
211,850,708,947,254,130,783,687,660,383,444,486,397,721,495,782,031,679,977,
411,565,556,602,637,191,977,338,996,093,380,256,007,239,191,321,437,760,222,
890,768,195,903,217,013,139,093,662,855,578,322,852,915,441,187,402,103,433,
397,948,432,487,855,398,833,009,401,724,765,419,165,472,827,998,786,320,429,
102,945,424,906,196,584,785,499,513,217,711,273,013,288,607,348,012,368,268,
493,279,260,403,717,058,658,594,894,184,249,773,083,050,086,907,542,750,133,
834,325,374,971,854,459,957,071,292,324,415,418,615,247,764,010,289,010,968,
218,504,079,233,099,853,896,500,493,695,766,781,105,016,035,501,363,245,886,
524,315,224,394,046,975,356,744,436,046,151,396,433,184,206,484,240,783,585,
709,902,306,172,138,491,398,542,760,432,741,212,755,677,381,153,053,892,561,
883,906,376,602,193,683,236,736,730,822,711,678,956,149,432,532,644,153,240,
796,400,485,109,329,883,378,631,644,703,566,339,852,138,578,455,730,061,311.
It just depends how you catch me.
Q. In NRO's The Corner, you claimed that Arthur C. Clarke sent you fan mail over Prime Obsession. I don't want to call you a liar, so I'll check my thesaurus... fabricator! Your response?
Q. Do you think the number 2, being the only even prime, is a bit arrogant? I never liked it.
A. Know what you mean. I've had a couple of run-ins with it myself. It was Papa Doc Duvalier's favorite number, though, and you better not argue with voodoo.
Q. Here's a question I always have for people knowledgeable at math: why does the square root of negative one get to be a number, but my math teacher always yelled at me if I tried to divide one by zero?
A. Beats my pair of jacks. Most likely your teacher had issues. Was he gay?
Q. Combining your knowledge of math and politics, which of the two major parties is more like an integral and which is more like a differential? (show all your work for full credit)
A. They are BOTH like integrals: but the Dem party is a Riemann-Stieltjes, while the GOP is more of a Lebesgue.
Q. You wrote a novel, Seeing Calvin Coolidge in a Dream, about Chinese immigrants in the U.S. What inspired you to write that novel?
A. Hanging around with Chinese immigrants in the U.S.
Q. Have you thought about converting to Chinese?
A. No.
Q. With your knowledge about China, how much longer do you expect the Communist government to last? When (or if) China becomes a democracy, do you think they might be able to become richer and more powerful than American, because that scares me.
A. Rest assured, they will never come up with anything half as good as the Twinkie.
Q. With your three volume novel, Fire from the Sun, you went with P.O.D. (post-orgasmic depression) to get your novel available to the public. How has that worked out?
A. All right. Twice a year I get a check from the POD people. It's a nice surprise. And God knows I need the money.
Q. In closing, do you have a message for our nation's youth?
A. Yes. I hate you all for having much more fun than I had, and for all your damn straight, white, perfect teeth.
Here's something different for me: an actual interview. At the suggestion and help of Eric Scheie of Classical Values, I got fifteen minutes on the phone with G. Gordon Liddy, known for the G. Gordon Liddy Show and... well... other things (check out his site; it has his bio there if you really don't know who he is). As inane as I tried to make my questions, Mr. Liddy somehow came up with serious and thoughtful answers to all of them. That, combined with some bad research, I think made me come off as a bit more of an idiot than usual, but I still believe it's a good read.
Thanks again to Eric Scheie, to Mr. Liddy's producer (and sometimes Stacked & Packed calendar model) Diana, and especially to G. Gordon Liddy.
Now, without further ado, here is my first ever transcription of a phone conversation:
Frank: Congratulations on twelve years of the G. Gordon Liddy Show. Is it hard to do two hours every weekday? Do you ever just make stuff up if the news has been slow?
Liddy: Actually I do four hours a day, five days a week, and there is such an enormous amount of news of serious import these days that I have more than enough material.
Frank: Anything to say about the recent controversy with radio show hosts? Like are you afraid youre going to get taken off the air for indecency?
Liddy: No, this particular problem will not affect me, and it certainly wont be any problem for my friend Sean Hannity or Rush Limbaugh. It is solely limited to the adolescent potty-talk people, and some of them it wont harm either. For example, my friend Howard Stern is a very bright man, and I think that he could do a radio program on a number of different levels. He could do serious discourse on politics or anything else because he certainly has the intellect to do that. So, if he is prevented from using his usual M.O., he can switch to another. Someone like The Don and Mike Show here in Washington D.C., which is just one uneducated adolescent and another slightly more educated adolescent, both of whom are sort of Howard Stern wannabes. You take away their ability to speak obscenely and indecently and there is nothing left. They have nothing left with their act.
Frank: I see what you mean. Well, anyway, lets get to politics. In brief, how well do you think Bush has done at his job as president?
Liddy: Given that were at war, which is the most important factor, he is an excellent wartime president, and thats what we need right now. I, for example, very much opposed the political policies the domestic political policies of Franklin Roosevelt bear in mind I was 15 when World War II end, and I remember it very well but he was an excellent wartime leader, and thats what we needed in World War II: a good wartime leader. Thats what we need now a wartime leader and we certainly have that in president Bush.
Frank: In brief, how well do you think the Democrats have been at undermining Bush at his job as president?
Liddy: Well, we wont know until Election Day. All these polls that they keep taking are photographs slices, sort of like an MRI of a period in time and none of them count. The only one that counts is the poll taken on Election Day. Theyve certainly started a lot of controversy, but President Bush has not really started to fire back yet. Hes stayed above the fray while the Democrats sort out whom shall be their candidate. Once that is determined, he will start is counter battery fire.
Frank: Been waiting for that myself. I guess he just started a little bit the other day with a shot at Kerry.
Liddy: Yeah, a little bit.
Frank: Anyway, John Kerry appears to be the frontrunner to challenge Bush. Do you think a haughty, French-looking liberal who served in Vietnam is just what the nation needs to fight terrorism?
Liddy: I think somebody who has been consistent no matter what his combat record in Vietnam was someone who has since consistently voted against the actual defense of the United States is not what we need to fight a war.
Frank: So, what do you think are the root causes of terrorism, and how many explosives do you think it would take to eradicate them?
Liddy: The root causes of terrorism are radical fundamentalist Islamic beliefs which are completely intolerant even of brother Muslims who are not as radical in their beliefs as are they. As to how many explosives would be necessary to eradicate them, there is a mathematical formula. You count them all up, and then you measure the powder in one .45 ACP caliber cartridge and multiply that by the number of radical Islamic fundamentalists and you get the answer.
Frank: .45 ACP I like that. Now, Ive talked to some military men who have been to Iraq, and theyve told me some areas now are as almost as dangerous as Chicago. Do you think its time for America to finally pull out of the quagmire that is Chicago?
Liddy: Well, Ill tell ya, Ive been to Chicago, and every time Ive been there I have enjoyed myself. Nobody has ever bothered me in Chicago, and Ive been in South Chicago. Ive operated in that area as a special agent of the FBI, and I would say that law enforcement has things pretty well in hand.
Frank: Thats good to know. Who do you think we should have war with next?
Liddy: Well, it depends upon what our intel tells us about the capabilities and intentions of Syria, Iran, and North Korea. Whichever one appears to be the most dangerous in terms of close support for the terrorists who are targeting us I would say should be next on the list for regime change as promised by the President in his original State of the Union.
Liddy: Yes, currently right. Were starting the recruitment for the girls for the eleventh.
Frank: As everyone knows, men love firearms and attractive women; what gave you the idea to combine the two?
Liddy: When I was a boy, of course, you had girly calendars in every garage, factory, and everything else that you could think of. And, when I was a boy, you could walk right down the Main Street of town you know, if you were 13-years-old or so with your firearm on the way out to the woods to shoot squirrels and so forth. Then that became politically incorrect both of those things became politically incorrect, and I wanted to make a statement against political correctness, so I combined the girly calendar and firearms.
Frank: Thats a nice way to make a statement, but has your calendar ever drawn controversy from people who dislike women or are against the objectification of firearms?
Liddy: Certainly the calendar has drawn some controversy, but far more approval and support than controversy. Thus its success, and thus it is going into its eleventh year.
Frank: Its good to hear that. Now, I always say you can tell a lot about a man from his choice in firearms. Whats your favorite gun?
Liddy: Handgun or shoulder arm?
Frank: Lets say handgun.
Liddy: I would say the Smith & Wesson Model 17 in .44 caliber.
Frank: Nice gun. In 1998, you had an autobiography
Liddy: Did you say Model 17? I should have said 27.
Frank: Actually, I think its 29.
Liddy: 29? Okay.
Frank: My dad has one. Its a nice gun. I didnt want to correct you; thought you might know more. In 1998, you had an autobiography Will published. Now, according to my research, youve yet to die since then and dont seem to plan on doing so anytime in the near future. Will you eventually have to do an addendum?
Liddy: Actually, it was published in 1980, and its still in print, still selling thousands of copies a year. There are over a million copies in print. It ended in 1977.
Frank: I need better research.
Liddy: If I wanted to do a complete and up to date autobiography, I would certainly have to issue an addendum. If I were to want to get additional information that has been discovered about Watergate from that time to present, then I would have to have an addendum limited to that subject. To a certain extent I did that with my latest book which is called When I Was a Kid, This Was a Free Country. There is an appendix in there that brings up to date what has been learned since. There will probably be a reissue of a book by Len Colodny, Robert Gettlin called Silent Coup which will have a much greater volume of material.
Frank: Ive heard about your book Ive yet to read it, though When I Was a Kid, This Was a Free Country. So, when were you a kid, or do you have to read the book to find that out?
Liddy: Well, you do the math. I was born on November the 30th, 1930.
Frank: Sounds pretty nice back then how you talked about shooting squirrels my Mom would have yelled at me for that. Have you ever considered doing an audio version of the book to try and win a Grammy?
Liddy: There was an audio version of the book done by a professional who read it so that it could be recorded for the use of the blind.
Frank: You also wrote a novel called The Monkey Handlers. It would be of great interest to the readers of my website to know what is your opinion of monkeys.
Liddy: Monkeys are primates. Theyre genetic material is 98% the same as ours, and actually greater than some talk show hosts.
Frank: I think we know which ones you are referring to. I guess this is a common question for you: whats with the mustache? Is there something on your upper lip you are trying to hide?
Liddy: No. Its something that Ive worn on and off since my youth. If you were to get a hold of one of the early additions of the book Will, youll see photographs of me in there sometimes with one, sometimes without one. There is one when I was in the military when I had one circa about 1968 or so. I just decided to keep it.
Frank: Have you ever considered a soul patch instead?
Liddy: Im sorry; considered what?
Frank: A soul patch.
Liddy: I dont know what youre talking about.
Frank: Its a little bit of hair under your lower lip.
Liddy: You mean a goatee?
Frank: No, its just under your lower lip. A soul patch is a little hippy thing.
Liddy: Alright, I have no idea what you are talking about.
Frank: Okay. Forget it then. Now, Im pretty young Im only 24 so I dont know much about history before the early 90s, but I heard something about how you once ran into some trouble at a hotel. Are you now more careful at hotels, or do you steal towels with impunity?
Liddy: I didnt run into any trouble at a hotel. I think you are referring to the Watergate Hotel, and the Watergate burglary took place not in the hotel, but the Watergate office building. I wasnt there.
Frank: Oh, okay. Wish I knew that. I saw that movie Nixon that was a while ago and all I remember is that Oliver Stone had some weird conspiracy theory that Nixon was an Englishman. Anyway, how do you think that the actor John Diehl did? Did he correctly get the essence of G. Gordon Liddy?
Liddy: I dont know. Ive never saw the movie.
Frank: Never saw the movie? Had no interest in seeing that?
Liddy: Well, its Oliver Stone. There is no point in anybody ever seeing an Oliver Stone movie because any resemblance between fact and whatever is contained in the movie is incidental.
Frank: I guess me, personally, Id be kind of curious how someone portrayed me.
Liddy: Okay, my producer is demonstrating with me that I have to go. Do you have any last question?
Frank: What do you think of the blogosphere? Are you threatened that it is going to encroach on more established media such as radio shows, or do you not even know what Im talking about?
Liddy: I know what you are talking about. Its a separate means of expression which is growing rapidly which means that it is filling a need.
Frank: And are there any blogs that you read regularly?
Sometimes you feel like a nut (Democrat primary), sometimes you don't (general election). So which Democrat candidate will be nutty enough to win the primary, gaining that hearts of the Democrat base of drooling idiots? And will he make himself too nutty to be viable in the general election?
To find these answers, I talked to the candidates themselves.
All interviews are now up. They are of John Kerry, Richard Gephardt, Joe Liberman, John Edwards, Howard Dean, Al Sharpton, Bob Graham, Dennis Kucinich, Carol Moseley Braun, Jojo the Monkey, and Hillary Rodham Clinton.
Frank: Being a haughty, French-looking man from Massachusetts, what do you think makes you qualified to be president?
Kerry: Well, having served in Vietnam...
Frank: Everyone knows you served in Vietnam. You don't have to keep mentioning it.
Kerry: Sorry, but having served in Vietnam...
Frank: See, there you go again. Anyway, you said the president lied to you about the war, but you voted with him, which seems to mean you fell for it. Since so many people think President Bush is dumb, how dumb does that make you? Does that affect either your haughtiness or your French-lookingness?
Kerry: Well, serving in Vietnam...
Frank: Is this like a form of Tourette's syndrome?
Kerry: Vietnam! Me served in!
Frank: So, what is your military experience, if any?
Kerry: Uh... well... Bush's tax cuts were for the rich.
Frank: Nice talking to you.
* * * *
Richard Gephardt
Frank: You seem to be a front-runner, having a nice mixture of liberal nuttiness with more mainstream views. But you're statement about striking down Supreme Court rulings with executive orders seemed almost too nutty. Are you sorry for it?
Gephardt: For now... but when I am president I will make an executive order erasing that I ever said that.
Frank: I don't think that's how they work...
Gephardt: You will think what my executive orders tell you to think!
Frank: Some may find it off-putting that you are this insane with power when it is only the primary.
Gephardt: People will love me as president! My executive orders will make sure of that!
Frank: Okay... anyway, more interviews to do...
Gephardt: Do not look at me like that! You do not want me as an enemy! My executive orders will get you!
* * * *
Joe Liberman
Frank: You are the least nutty and therefore most boring Democrat presidential candidate, what do you think are your chances in the primary where craziness counts?
[Ed. note: Unfortunately, I immediately fell asleep when he started talking, and was unable to record any of his responses]
* * * *
John Edwards
Frank: What makes you think you're qualified to be the president of the United States of America?
Edwards: I don't know. I'm just a regular guy, and people respond to that.
Frank: But regular guys don't talk to the dead or are trial lawyers?
Edwards: First of all, I don't talk to the dead; that's a different John Edwards. And I think my being a trial lawyer has helped me get in touch with the common man.
Frank: Is it true you sold your soul to the devil?
Edwards: Well, yes, but that's common for all trial lawyers, and I don't think it should be held against me.
Frank: Was part of your deal with Satan being able to speak to the dead?
Edward: You're not listening to me!
* * * *
Howard Dean
Frank: Originally you were discredited as being too nutty, but now people think you are just nutty enough. But, if you win the primary, will you think you'll be able to make it through the general election?
Dean: Yes, because Bush was wrong on the war. The Iraqi people were better off with Saddam as their leader. Actually, he is a better leader than Bush. If he were to run for the president of the U.S., I would drop out of the election and support him.
Frank: Wow! That's pretty nutty, but I guess the wacko Democrats eat that up. What I want to ask you about now, though, was how your son was caught trying to strangle the pope? How do you feel about that?
Dean: That's a horrible incident, and he's sorry about it.
Frank: So, any other statement's you want the American people to hear?
Dean: Yes, I promise to fight hard and strangle the pope that is the current status quo.
Frank: Uh...
Dean: Whoops! Why did I just say that! Stupid! Stupid!
Frank: Thanks for talking to me.
* * * *
Al Sharpton
Frank: Many people find you to be a more offensive but more entertaining version of Jesse Jackson,i.e., a racist idiot who is fun to watch. You're sort of like a Ku Klux Klan member who can juggle. So, as a racial demagogue black man, what do you think are your chances in the election?
Sharpton: Why do you call me a black man? Is it because I'm a black man?
Frank: Uh... yes.
Sharpton: Racist!
Frank: Uh... you're the racist.
Sharpton: No. I know what racism is. I am great at spotting it and... Racism!
Frank: That's just a bird flying by the window.
Sharpton: Racism!
Frank: That's just a wall outlet.
Sharpton: Racism!
Frank: That's just a desk lamp.
Sharpton: Racism!
Frank: That's the wall outlet again. So, do you really think you can win, or are you satisfied with just being a distraction?
Sharpton: I can win! Among the black vote, I'm the leader.
Frank: Yes, that's very sad.
* * * *
Bob Graham
Frank: You don't really have much of chance, having entered so late, so let's keep this short. Hmm... you're a Senator from my state?
Graham: Yes, and...
Frank: So is your campaign going to distract you from getting our state its pork?
Graham: I won't be...
Frank: I want my pork!
Graham: Stop hitting me!
Frank: Not until I get my pork!
* * * *
Dennis Kucinich
Frank: You seem to be going full out nutty-liberal. Is that going to work?
Kucinich: I am the lizard king!
Frank: Nice hat, by the way.
Kucinich: It's so the Republicans won't read my brain. If I am president, I will ban orbital mind control.
Frank: Why in the world would anyone want to read the brain of a nut like you?
Kucinich: I know too much! Bush may not have found weapons of mass destruction, but I have! Poverty is a weapon of mass destruction! Homelessness is a weapon of mass destruction! Squirrels are a weapon of mass destruction!
Frank: You're scaring me.
Kucinich: Ahh! The hat isn't working! The Republicans are getting in my head!
Frank: Bye.
* * * *
Carol Moseley Braun
Braun: I'm a candidate! Interview me!
Frank: Who are you?
Braun: Carol Moseley Braun.
Frank: Are you are sure you are running for president?
Braun: Yes, haven't you heard of me?
Frank: I think so... or maybe I'm thinking of Brawny paper towels.
Braun: There is a lot of racism in America, and I...
Frank: Don't tell me you are trying to split the racial demagogue vote with Sharpton; that's pretty pathetic.
Braun: I am a viable candidate and...
Frank: I have some errands to do. Have your people talk to mine. Bye.
* * * *
Jojo the Monkey
[Ed. note: Responses are from Jojo's sign language translator.]
Frank: Now, Jojo, you are very smart for a chimpanzee, having the intelligence equivalent to a human six-year-old. This places you at the same level of intelligence as much of the Democrat base. Do you think that's enough to make a connection with the voters for the primary?
Jojo: Jojo feels concern of common man. Jojo want help poor and middle class and not just rich like Bush. Bush bad man.
Frank: You try to make yourself out to be a moderate, but your voting record in the Massachusetts state senate is quite liberal by most accounts. How do you respond?
Jojo: Jojo want banana.
Frank: You're avoiding the question.
Jojo: Give Jojo banana or Jojo bite you.
Frank: No reason to give threats. I just want a response to... OW!
* * * *
Hillary Rodham Clinton
Frank: So what conditions are you waiting for to join the race for president?
Clinton: As I have said, I have no intentions to run at this time. I am just selling my book...
Frank: Yes, your book to take attention away from all the other Democrats.
Clinton: That was not the intention...
Frank: You either want the Democrat candidate to lose so you can run in 2008, or, if you see weakness in Bush, like a shark detecting blood in the water, you will suddenly jump into the race. Right?
You won't believe who I got for an interview this week: the President. Yeah, that's right, Dubya himself; no one can refuse an interview by the great Frank J. He was in Florida, so I got him to stop by my house for a quick, relaxed chat:
Frank: Thanks. Gotta great deal on them from Rooms to Go. Anyway, I had some questions...
Bush: Whoa! Look at your entertainment setup. So do you get HDTV?
Frank: Yeah, but... hey, don't play with it; it's complicated stuff. First I have to turn the TV on, select the proper input source, then turn on the cable box or DVD player, and then turn on the amplifier and select its proper input source.
Bush: Sounds complicated.
Frank: Dude, all I want is to watch Fox and Friends in the morning and it takes me like twenty minutes to get the thing on. That's why I got a universal remote you can program macros into.
Bush: How's it work?
Frank: Uh... I dunno. It's kinda complicated.
Bush: I thought you were like an electrical engineer or something.
Frank: Yeah, which means I could design the circuitry for that remote. It don't mean I know how to use it. Duh.
Bush: Anyway, your setup looks pretty nice, even with it all turned off.
Frank: I could have bought a Picasso for a lot more money to put on this wall, but I think all this equipment looks cooler.
Bush: How do you pay for all this?
Frank: A little thing I call massive debt. I got it all worked out, though: If at least three of my future grandchildren have decent jobs, it will all be paid off eventually. Anyway, the questions...
Bush: You got something to eat?
Frank: Yeah, I got some Doritos.
Bush: Cool Ranch or Nacho Cheese.
Frank: Nacho Cheese.
Bush: Any bean dip?
Frank: Sorry dude.
Bush: Well, the chips sound good anyway. I'll need something to drink though.
Frank: Uh... I got some Guinness...
Bush: I stay away from alcohol, buddy.
Frank: Oh yeah. How about some Mountain Dew?
Bush: Sounds good to me.
Frank: Here ya go. Anyway, the questions I wanted to ask you... Dude! That stack of coasters ain't there just for show.
Bush: Oh, sorry.
Frank: No harm no foul.
Bush: It's a bit hot in here. Could you turn on the AC?
Frank: That's what I got the ceiling fan for. It's a lot cheaper to run that.
Bush: Dude, the President of the United States is here; turn on the AC.
Frank: Okay okay. Anyway... what are you laughing at?
Bush: You have the GameCube. That's the kiddy system.
Frank: They have lots of mature games.
Bush: All I see out is Mario Sunshine.
Frank: That's for all ages.
Bush: Whatever... Hey! You got Smash Brothers! Let's play that!
Frank: First you make fun of my game system, but now you see Smash Brothers and it's all cool. You're waffling just like Clinton.
Bush: I was just kidding with you... and don't mention that asshole Clinton. The whole time I was giving my inauguration speech, I could seem him leering at my daughters. I barely kept myself from the leaping from the podium and kicking his ass. Later, I asked one of my Secret Service agents to kidnap him, take him to a seedy hotel, and make it look like he died from an overdose of heroin, but he told me they don't do that sort of thing.
Frank: Did you hand him a twenty when you asked?
Bush: Oh, damn... that's probably was exactly what he was waiting for. I'm so stupid sometimes.
Frank: I can never remember all that stuff myself, like when to tip and when not to tip and what not. Anyway, what I wanted to start was asking... What the hell was that?
Bush: Sounded like something hit your house.
Frank: Oh my God, I got hit by a golf ball. By some miracle, it didn't hit a window.
Hey! Old man! Just get your damn ball and get out of my yard before I come out there and break your hip! And work on your damn slice!
I swear, sometimes I think that the idea that it's nice to have a house on a golf course is just propaganda from the window manufacturers. You know what I'm saying... where did you go?
Bush: Look what I found! I'm a ninja!
Frank: Dude! That's my sword! Be careful... Aww, you put a scratch in my wall.
Bush: I'm sorry. I didn't mean it.
Frank: Nothing that some touch up paint won't fix. It's very uncool, by the way, to touch another Samurai's sword. You then put your own spirit into the sword, making it confused when wielded by its master. The only way to remove the spirit is to kill you with the sword.
Bush: You don't believe that... do ya?
Frank: Nah, and this is just an iado blade; it ain't even sharp. Anyway, let's sit back down and get back to the interview.
Bush: Sure dude. Hey, what's in here? Whoa, that's a neat DVD collection you have. Are these foreign films?
Frank: Samurai movies directed by Akira Kurosawa. He was a genius. My favorite is Sanjuro. It's not usually the most recognized of his films, but...
Bush: Oh man! You got Fight Club! I love that movie. I tried to start a fight club of my own at the White House.
Frank: Really?
Bush: Yes. Ari was all gung ho for it, Dick wanted in, and we were goading Colin to join too. Condi tried to join, but I had to explain to her it was a guy thing. She then kicked me in the nuts.
Frank: Ow. So was Rumsfeld going to join in too?
Bush: Hey, I said "fight club", not "suicide pact".
Frank: So what happened to it?
Bush: Karl Rove wouldn't let us do it. He asked me how I'd explain away the bruises. I just thought I'd announce that Laura abuses me, but he didn't like that. Man, Rover is always ruining my fun, but he's not the boss of me... is he?
Frank: I dunno, dude. It was a while ago I took that course on governments.
Bush: All I know is I'm the president, and I think I've been doing pretty damn good job.
Frank: I think so too; you kicked ass with that war. I can't believe I actually thought of voting for McCain in the primaries.
Bush: You voted for McCain in the primaries?
Frank: No, I didn't actually vote in the primaries. Primaries are for homos.
Bush: That's what I said! Youve never seen Rove move so fast to keep a statement from being aired. That reminds me; I'm not doing do well with the gays. They think like I hate them or something. I was thinking maybe I could have some film crew casually catch me watching the move The Birdcage and enjoying it. Do you think that would convince more people I'm gay friendly?
Frank: I dunno. Maybe you could also attend some plays or something.
Bush: Hey, I said I wanted to convince people that I'm gay friendly, not that I am gay.
Frank: You could talk to Andrew Sullivan. He's conservative, smart, and like really gay.
Bush: Wait a minute... Andrew Sullivan is gay?
Frank: Yeah; why?
Bush: Well, I was at this event the other day, and I thought I caught him looking at my wife so I beat the crap out of him. Oh man! Everyone is going to think I'm a gay-basher. I better apologize right away.
Frank: Hey, don't use that phone. If you run up a long distance fee, you lose my vote in 2004. Use my cell; I got free long distance on that.
Bush: Actually, I got a great idea: let's prank call Tom Daschle. Here, you take the phone; he usually recognizes me now.
Frank: Okay. What do I do?
Bush: Prank him!
Frank: Uh, hello, is this Senator Daschle? This is the Gay and Lesbian Justice League. We just want to thank you for your support of the gay community.
Daschle: I do my best to help spread tolerance.
Frank: That's why we want to feature you on the cover of the next issue of our magazine.
Daschle: That's sounds great. What do you plan to say about me?
Frank: The cover will say: Senator Tom Daschle, the Gayest Senator in U.S. History.
Daschle: Uh... but I'm not gay... not that's there's anything wrong with that... but I'm not.
Frank: That's hard to believe. We've all seen you on T.V.
Daschle: What? Is it the way I talk?
Frank: It's your whole mannerisms.
Daschle: But I'm not gay! I have a wife and kids!
Frank: Yeah, they were the ones who told me you were gay.
Daschle: They didn't say that!
Frank: Yeah, your son Toby said, "My dad is so gay, it makes me cry."
Daschle: I don't have a son named Toby! Is this Bush?
Bush: Hang up! Hang up!
Frank: Dude, that was fun.
Bush: I bet he really thought he was gay for a second.
Frank: Hey, get your feet off my coffee table!
Bush: What if I put a placemat under them?
Frank: I guess that's cool. Uh... what was I supposed to be doing?
Bush: You were going to ask me interview questions.
Frank: Oh yeah. So here is my question: Do your daughters Jenna and Barbara have boyfriends?
Bush: Hey, are you just trying to get set up with one of my daughters?
Frank: Come on, dude. I did phone calls for you in the 2000 election reminding Republicans to vote, and some of them were mad at me.
Bush: What state?
Frank: Uh... Pennsylvania.
Bush: I didn't win that state.
Oh! I got a phone call; I better take this.
What! Ninjas have taken over Vermont? What kind of ninjas?
EVIL NINJAS! That's the worst kind!
Frank: Dude, that sounds serious.
Bush: Yeah, sorry, Paco, I got to get going. You can never completely prevent ninja attacks, but you know I'm going to get blamed anyway.
Frank: Well, come back some time. We can have more friends over and watch DVD's and play Smash Brothers.
My last two interviews were done with people at about my own level of fame, such as Rumsfeld and Condoleezza Rice, but I decided this time to interview one of the lesser people. That's why I had an ICQ chat with Bill Whittle from the blog Eject! Eject! Eject! He's known best for writing asinine essays that are a physical test of one's attention span, but I wanted to see if I could challenge him to answer questions in 8,000 words or fewer. I then granted him the honor of even more of my time by letting him interview me, that half of the ICQ chat appearing on his site (I cannot guarantee any links that leave my URL; assume everything outside of IMAO is filled with porno and foul language).
Frank: Yes, the Blogfather who deems who gets traffic and who gets none. Know any secrets about him I don't?
Bill Whittle: Not really, except that that he's from Tennessee. The whole drinking puppies thing isn't such a big deal there. The Vols came down to play the Gators and you didn't see a stray dog in the neighborhood for almost a year.
Frank: I guess it serves a purpose then. The point I was getting at before is that you seem to get a lot of traffic at your site even though you post only once every month or so. Do you think that's fair to the other bloggers that blather on day in and day out?
Bill Whittle: Actually, we post almost exactly the same numbers of words. Next time you have seven or eight hours free to read one of my posts, you'll see what I mean.
Frank: Actually, I wanted to ask you about that. Why are your posts so long? Do you forget what youre talking about midway and have to trace your way home?
Bill Whittle: That's a very astute question. You know, most of my essays start with a personal story. Then I try to do a little history, find an anecdote, perhaps a quote or two and...uh...what was I saying?
Frank: Ever thought of instead of making one long coherent essay, to just do a bunch of short incoherent essays?
Bill Whittle: Been done.
Frank: Most people, at least those who can make it through them, seem to find them quite well written. Myself, I'm quite curious to hear what your main sources of plagiarism are?
Bill Whittle: Anson Williams. He played "Potsie" on Happy Days. Not that widely read, so it's a really smart choice.
Frank: I understand. I keep having to find these obscure Hungarian comedies to steal my pieces from. Anyway, I want to stop dancing around the issue and get to the main question: have you ever killed a squirrel with a hammer?
Bill Whittle: Tack hammer or ball peen?
Frank: Either or.
Bill Whittle: Neither. I have claw hammered a few dozen of the sons of bitches. Why do you ask? Got an infestation problem?
Hello? Squirrel got your tongue?
Hello?
Frank: Black out.
Bill Whittle: Mental or electrical?
Frank: I swore at God, and suddenly the lights went out. I think He was trying to send me a message, but I don't understand it. I'm sure He'll explain it to me when I'm dead.
Bill Whittle: Have you been paying His electric bill?
Frank: Oh crap, that's sitting right here on my desk.
Bill Whittle: The Lord moves in mysterious ways.
Frank: Anyway, we were talking about hammers.
Bill Whittle: Yes.
Frank: So, were you successful? I've tried sneaking up on those squirrels, but theyre fidgety.
Bill Whittle: You have to throw them. The trick is to time it so they don't get hit with the handle, which just pisses them off. Then you are in REAL trouble.
Frank: Probably doing it as a drive by would be safest then. This nicely segues into my next question: why is your site named Eject!Eject!Eject!? Why not Eject!Eject! or Eject!Eject!Eject!Eject! or Whitler's Happy Fun Essays?
Bill Whittle: Well, www.whitlershappyfunessays.com was taken, so was .us, .gov, .nu, and .org. Actually, you say the word "Eject!" three times when you punch out of an airplane. If you say it twice, the other guy may think, "I think I should exit the aircraft, but what if he was talking about his VCR? I was too busy peeing into this little bottle to pay attention." Conversely, you don't have time to say Eject! Eject! Eject! Eject! By the time you get to the fourth Ej--- you're done. You're a smoking hole.
Frank: Nice little dodge to the question. I see you have a future in politics. Now back to what I think is concerning America most at this time: How much do you love the site IMAO.us?
Bill Whittle: The which?
Frank: Ha ha ha! You're hilarious. Ever thought of doing stand up?
Bill Whittle: The hecklers would make me cry.
Frank: That would be funny too. Now, I want to know more about the man we call Bill Whittle. Other than occasionally plagiarizing inspirational essays from a former star of Happy Days, what do you do with your life?
Bill Whittle: Excellent question. Breakfasts are at dawn, in the small nook of my summer mansion, high atop Pacific Palisades, overlooking the vastness of the ocean. After twenty minutes of Pondering, it's down to the local bakery for a nice breakfast kwah-sanh. During this time, I dispense largesse, call in favors, wet my beak a little, and generally mix with my Godchildren. Evenings are usually spent in my stealth Zeppelin, floating over Los Angeles in my red velvet smoking jacket and fez, reading left-wing newspapers and shouting IDIOTS! out the window with a brass megaphone.
Frank: My sister in LA has complained about that. Anyway, I tried reading one of your essays the other day. I didn't have quite enough Ritalin to get through it all, but you mentioned something about a war. What is your position on that?
Bill Whittle: I think Ritalin is over-prescribed.
Frank: Hey, my cell phone is shiny!
Bill Whittle: Can I see?
Frank: Oh, sorry, I forgot about you for a second. So what was your involvement with this war in Iraq?
Bill Whittle: Took out a few Scuds, terminated a few high-ranking leaders. Not something I care to talk about, really.
Frank: Because they were U.S. leaders?
Bill Whittle: Those things happen. It was a very fluid environment
Frank: Now, at this crucial time in American history, people seem to have divided themselves into two camps: those who I think I, Frank J., am the greatest comic genius and those who think I am the greatest genius period. Where do you fall?
Bill Whittle: Frank J? I thought this was SCRAPPLEFACE!
Frank: Goddman you! Do not mention that name in my presence!
Frank: Thanks for taking the time to talk to me. Can I call you Condi?
Rice: Uh... I guess. I'm a little confused here, I thought I was going to be talking to someone from a regular news organization. What are you? Like twelve?
Frank: I'll be twenty-four in June... and I am from a regular new organization. I'm from... CNN. Yeah, I'm Wolf Blitzer. I just shaved and dyed my hair for a new look. You like it.
Rice: I'll buy that... for now. Why are the lights so dim?
Frank: I thought it would make a better mood for an interview.
Rice: Is that Barry White I hear playing?
Frank: Just a little mood music. Why don't you take a sip of your wine and relax, Condi?
Rice: Turn up the lights and turn off the music... NOW!
Frank: Okay... okay... I guess I'll get to my questions. Let's see here...
Rice: You know, it's not very professional of you to have your questions written on... what is that you have your questions written on?
Frank: They're pages from my daily Dilbert calendar. The backs of them make great scrap paper.
Heh heh... Dogbert always cracks me up.
Anyway, my first question: So, Condi, being the National Security Advisor of the President, do you advise the president on matters of security that are a national concern?
Rice: Yes.
Frank: On second thought, that questions wasn't as probing and insightful as I first believed it would be. So, next question: What do you think of today's military technology?
Rice: I think we have a huge technological advantage over our enemy. I mean they're a bunch of dumb turds with second hand AK-47's, and we have laser guided missiles that can fly through space. And, with our advance accuracy, we can avoid civilian casualties.
Frank: And it is the administrations position to not kill children?
Rice: Yes, even the stupid smelly ones. That's why we have cruise missiles that can fly miles and miles and then accurately hit a target about the size of Michael Moore.
Frank: So why is Michael Moore still around.
Rice: He runs a lot faster than you'd think.
Frank: I see. I've heard you take a great interest in continuing advances in technology for America's military.
Rice: Yes, I demand a lot from our scientists and engineers. When I ask something to be done, I don't take "I can't" or "That's not possible in either classical or quantum physics" for an answer.
Frank: So what's one of your latest creations?
Rice: For our military, we need lots of computing power for simulations. We've now created a computer that can increase its speed by stealing computing power from its doppelganger in an alternate dimension.
Frank: Then won't there be a Condoleezza Rice in an alternate dimension extremely pissed by how her computing power is being sucked away?
Rice: Screw her! Obviously I thought of this first.
Then again, if I know me, she would be plotting revenge.
Frank: One's greatest enemy is always themselves. Anyway, I sometime hear you referred to as Dr. Rice. What are you a doctor of?
Rice: I don't remember; I finished college some time ago. I'm pretty sure it's not the one where you operate on people.
Frank: So you never cut anyone open?
Rice: I didn't say that.
Frank: So let's see... what were my other questions...
Heh heh, Wally is so lazy.
Rice: I am growing impatient.
Frank: What's it like working with Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld?
Rice: His warmongering is useful to me, but he is an old man, and I am the future. I have plans way beyond his.
Frank: What plans?
Rice: Nothing for you to know about.
Frank: You don't plan on becoming some supervillianess and then take over the world, do you?
Rice: No comment.
Frank: My God, I bet you already have a hollowed out volcano.
Rice: I don't like where these questions are going.
Frank: Can I help you come up with a supervillian name? How about "Dark Raven"?
Rice: Quiet.
Frank: Could I at least be one of your minions?
Rice: Maybe... just stop talking about this subject.
Frank: Alright, I had just one more thing, Condi. Have you ever thought about doing something to draw more interest in your administration?
Rice: Like what do you mean?
Frank: I was thinking a swimsuit calendar. Everyone loves swimsuit calendars.
Rice: I don't think that would be appropriate.
Frank: Come one. I got some swimsuits here for you to choose from and the camera is all ready.
Rice: I'm not comfortable with this.
Frank: Don't be so shy. You have a great body... (cough) (gag)
Rice: You touched my leg!
Frank: (gag) (cough)
Rice: Don't be such a baby; I barely collapsed your throat.
Frank: Anyway (cough) thanks for giving me your time. Perhaps we can (cough) do this again sometime.
It not always easy to get in contact with the Secretary of Defense - especially while a war is going on - but I made a few phone calls, explained to some people, "Hey, I'm Frank J., my website gets nearly 2,000 visitors on a weekday; you can't just brush me off!" and soon I was set up for a phone interview with Donald Rumsfeld himself.
Frank: Thanks for taking the time to talk to me. I'm a big fan and...
Rumsfeld: Just get to your damn questions! I have wars to plan, you know. There are tons of evil foreigners out there who are not dead, and that has to end.
Frank: I agree with that. Anyway, can I call you Rummy?
Rumsfeld: Only if you're tired of life.
Frank: I understand. So what evil foreigners should be killed next?
Rumsfeld: I say the Syrians. We're right there, so let's just drive over there and kill them too.
Frank: What about setting up a stable Iraqi government?
Rumsfeld: Screw it!
Frank: Then might there end up being more trouble Iraq and thus cause for further war?
Rumsfeld: Good, more war.
Frank: Cool. War makes great T.V. So, any other plans after Syria?
Rumsfeld: I dunno; I forget which countries are next to Syria.
Frank: I don't know either; it's probably on a map somewhere.
Rumsfeld: Anyway, it'll be some other evil dictator who will die horribly.
Frank: Now, one thing I noticed was that when American troops went into cities, Iraqi children were cheering them on. Why weren't they killed too?
Rumsfeld: I don't know. Some people like children so we weren't supposed to use munitions.
Frank: Frankly, I wasn't very impressed by the Iraqi children; they didn't seem very cute and didn't look very trustworthy. Just my opinion.
Rumsfeld: No one cares of your opinion. Next question.
Frank: Okay, so what do you...
Rumsfeld: Hold on a second. (sounds of scuffle)
Frank: You still there?
Rumsfeld: Yes, I just had to strangle someone with the phone cord.
Frank: Who?
Rumsfeld: You don't know him. What's your next question?
Frank: So what do you think about France and that asshole Chirac?
Rumsfeld: France will be destroyed. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow... but probably tomorrow. Chirac will then be drawn and quartered, each of his pieces being placed at the four corners of the world as a warning to others.
Frank: Is everyone in the administration on board with that? I would think Colin Powell would be all like, "That's too harsh."
Rumsfeld: Do not mention that name. (sound of vomiting) There, I vomited in disgust; you owe me lunch.
Frank: Sorry. So what about Schroeder.
Rumsfeld: Hundreds of years from now, children will cry at the mention of his name. When people are asked to list the biggest atrocities that had occurred in Germany, they will say the Holocaust closely followed by what Donald Rumsfeld did to Schroeder.
Frank: Man, sounds cool. I can't wait for that ass to get his. Anyhoo, I wanted to ask you some general questions about the military. After the incident with Jessica Lynch, there has been some more questions about women in combat, how do you stand on that?
Rumsfeld: My views are pretty old fashioned, but I have to say that Pfc. Lynch acted like a real American soldier. She wasn't captured until she was out of ammo. I probably would have then continued fighting, trying to beat the enemy to death with my canteen, but that's just me.
Frank: What about gays in the military?
Rumsfeld: Here's my problem, people keep suggesting these ideas for changing the military, but they never ask the pertinent question: How does this help us kill more people? I don't see how gays in the military does that. Now, back in my day, gays were a bit different. They were manly men who cared little for fashion or showtunes, and only had sex with women. I don't know where the gay movement eventually changed its course, but I don't like it.
On the other hand, it's a really hard thing for me to look someone in the eye and say, "No, you can't kill anyone."
Frank: Things sound different back when you were younger. Do you think the culture you were raised in affect the man you are today?
Rumsfeld: Yes, we weren't little pansies like you people now. Today kids will go to summer camp. Back when I was young, I spent my summers running for my life from the Comanches... or was it the Apaches; I can't remember. Whoever they were, they wanted to scalp me but I was too quick and wily for them.
Frank: Well, my childhood wasn't that cushy. I remember this one time I was chased by a large dog... or wait, I think he was chained up and I just thought he was chasing me.
Rumsfeld: Shut up! You are wasting my time. I will kill you if you waste my time.
Frank: Geez. I'll just get to my next question. I was wondering about your gun choice: a 9mm luger.
Rumsfeld: My luger was my first handgun, and holds a special place in my heart. If I ever have to really take care of business though, I have a twin pair of .45's. You know the old saying, "You can't kill a Commie with a metric caliber."
Frank: Yeah, my dad always said that.
Rumsfeld: So what kind of gun do you carry, punk.
Frank: Well I have this nice little .380 - a Walther PPK like Bond.
Rumsfeld: A .380? So what that's going to do to your assailant? Tickle him to death?
Frank: Hey! It's a decent caliber.
Rumsfeld: If you're a little girl.
Frank: Man, you're just as mean and crazy as they say.
Rumsfeld: Who says?
Frank: I dunno... they.
Rumsfeld: Then they will die!
Frank: Fine. Well... oh, crap!
Rumsfeld: What?
Frank: I dropped my index cards. All my questions were on those.
Rumsfeld: You are wasting my time.
Frank: Just give me a sec.
Rumsfeld: As more of my time is wasted, my rage becomes more murderous.
Frank: Okay, I got them now. Uh... a shovel, duct tape, lye, fritos...
Rumsfeld: What are you babbling about?
Frank: Sorry, that's my shopping list for Wal-Mart.
Rumsfeld: Give me a question or I will hunt you down and murder you!
Frank: Come on, Frank, you've seen people give interviews before; what kind of questions do they ask...
Oh yeah Rumsfeld, if you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?
Rumsfeld: Is there a tree that kills people?
Frank: I once heard of this guy getting crushed by a fallen pine.
Rumsfeld: Then I would be that tree. For, even as a tree, I would thirst for blood.
Frank: Uh... another question... another question...
Oh, I got one. Did you see the Simpsons Sunday?
Rumsfeld: You're an idiot. I will kill whoever set me up to do this interview with you. And I will do it publicly as an example to others.
Frank: Now I remember what I wanted to ask you about: what's it like working with Condoleezza Rice?
Rumsfeld: She is quite good at her work, but I get this feeling she thinks she's smarter than me. I watch my back with her.
Frank: No, man, I meant like what's it like working with someone that hot. Do you ever go like, "Hey, Condi, could you get me those maps of Iraq... no, I mean the ones from the bottom shelf."
Rumsfeld: You impudent little...
Frank: Hey! You're the impotent one, old man!
Rumsfeld: Not impotent... impudent. Impudent.
Are you still there?
Frank: Hang on a minute; I'm getting my dictionary.
"marked by contemptuous or cocky boldness or disregard of others"
I guess I am pretty impudent.
Rumsfeld: Also look up "jackass" while you're at it.
Frank: Before you I let you go, I wanted to tell you about how I wrote this great war plan I want you to see...
Rumsfeld: We don't take unsolicited war plans. You need to get an agent first and have him contact us.
Frank: Come on; it's really good. It's got this great build up, full of action, and then there's this surprise attack at the end you'll never see coming!
Rumsfeld: This interview is over.
Frank: Fine. Thanks for your time, Secretary Rumsfeld. Perhaps we can do this again sometime.
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