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Frank Reads the Bible Archives

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September 08, 2005
Ephesians 4:26
Posted by Frank J. at 02:41 PM

"Be angry, and do not sin": do not let the sun go down on your wrath

Well, the first part - "Be angry" - is easy enough... or at least it has been lately. I've been full of righteous anger.

The second part is harder. "Do not let the sun go down on your wrath," certainly is some practical advice, as anger and sleep do not mix well.

As for the sin not, sometime I don't know what to do to be angry but not sin. If I ran into someone with this bumper sticker, I don't think I could help but confront the person and tell him or her exactly what pathetic scum he or she is. Would that achieve anything? Would the more Christian thing be to ignore it and pray for the person? I dunno. What do you think?

Rating: 2.1/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (29)
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July 01, 2005
mea culpa
Posted by Cadet Happy at 08:47 PM

MEACULPA.jpg

If you have been following this blog the last few days, you know that we have run a little bit asunder of the Church of Scientology. Well, I've done a lot of soul searching about that and have had a change of heart. I realize now that my soul was poisoned by the spirits of thousands of Thetans who were brought to this planet 75 million years ago in DC8s, placed on volcanos in the South Pacific, and killed with hydrogen bombs by the evil extraterrestrial tyrant Xenu. I've undergone some emergency remedial auditing and clay tabling (at the bargain basement price of $17,800.00) and am proud to say that I now heartily endorse the Church of Scientology. I encourage all of you to beg, borrow or steal all the cash you can get your hands on and head down to the nearest Scientology Center so that you too can undergo this wonderous transformation. On a related note, this blog will become a private, invitation only blog after this weekend. My auditor told me that I can no longer speak to friends, family members or anyone else who hasn't purchased their way sufficiently across the Bridge of consciousness, so adios all you non-believers. I'm deleting all my e-mail addresses and changing my phone numbers. I will be glad to speak to you, however, at any officially sanctioned Scientology event. Death to Xenu, and live long and prosper!

Rating: 2.6/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (25)
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March 16, 2005
Frank Reads the Bible: Genesis 18-19
Posted by Frank J. at 12:17 PM

Sorry for the long delay. In case youíve forgotten, when we were last reading the Bible, Abraham was putting a knife to his wang.

Well, now Sarah is promised a new son, and we reach the first exchange in the Bible where I actually laughed out loud. See, when Sarah, who is like old, hears this, she laughs and is like, "Yeah right!" And this displeases the Lord.

(Gen 18:13-15)
And the LORD said to Abraham, "Why did Sarah laugh, saying, "Shall I surely bear a child, since I am old?' Is anything too hard for the LORD? At the appointed time I will return to you, according to the time of life, and Sarah shall have a son."
But Sarah denied it, saying, "I did not laugh," for she was afraid.
And He said, "No, but you did laugh!"

I lost it right there. I just can't imagine the Lord Almighty engaging in a game of:

"No I didn't!"

"Yes you did!"

"No I didn't!"

"You did too!"

What's Sarah going to follow her denial up with? "If I did laugh, well, prove it."

Come on; do you think you can pull one over on God? I guess people weren't as familiar with omnipotence back then, though, because the next part of Chapter 18 has Abraham bargaining with God. You see, God was like, "There's something about Sodom and Gomorrah I just don't like. I'm going to destroy them two cities."

Well, Abraham doesn't like that, so he's like, "I don't want to question you Lord - 'cause you know I'd never do that - but if I could get a word in here - once again, no offense - let's say there's like fifty righteous people in these cities. Would You still destroy them?"

Then God takes a swig of whiskey, thinks for a moment, and says, "Yeah, guess I wouldn't destroy them then."

Then Abraham says, "Well, if I may be speak again - and, as I remind, I ain't questioning Ya - let's say there's only forty-five..."

And Abraham keeps at this until God is finally like, "Okay, I won't destroy the cities if there are ten righteous people... but no less!" Chapter 18 ends there, but I bet the part left out is God saying, "Ha! Stupid bastard; I would have gone all the way down to seven."

Chapter 19 starts with Lot in Sodom trying to keep two angels from getting... well... sodomized.

"Bring those purty men you have with you out here so we can make them squeal like a pig!"

Naturally, the angels are grateful and tell Lot to get his ass out of Sodom - but he decided to take his wife and two daughters with him instead of his donkey. The angels were like, "Now you head to the mountains, boy."

But Lot was like, "The mountains are scary! Can't I head to that town there - Zoar?"

And the angels are all, "Zoar? They named a placed Zoar? Fine, whatever."

So they all flee, but Lot's wife looks back at the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah. Thus, God punishes her by turning her into a pillar of salt.

Salt?

Where does God come up with these punishments? If I wanted to make an example of someone, I'd have him burst into flames and then explode his head. But salt? I don't get that. I guess that's why He's God and I'm just Frank J., though.

Anyway, Abraham comes by and overthrows all the cities Lot had dwelled in, including his favorite delis, so Lot and his daughters have to head to the mountains anyway. Then things get weird.

Now, Lot's daughters figure that Lot canít keep his lineage going since his wife is salt... and you can't get it on with salt. Or, if you could, it would probably be painful, and you'd end up with salt babies. So Lot's daughters get him plenty drunk and get it on with him. Man, he better have been really really drunk and not just faking it.

Anyway, he gets two sons - Moab and Ben-Ammi - and who knows what weird defects they have. Plenty creeped out, I decided to set the Bible down for now.

Later, thumpers.

Rating: 3.1/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (37)
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February 18, 2005
Frank Reads the Bible: Thoughts By El Cazador
Posted by Frank J. at 01:06 PM

Now, I've been accepting that Moses wrote the first few books of the Bible since I need someone to yell at, but my friend El Cazador (from my writing group; one of these days I'm going to get back to the great American Novel - or at least a fair one) would like to point out why Moses probably didn't write them. This will probably be a little controversial, so I'm just going to back off and say I don't necessarily agree with all that is said here. Still, since the Bible posts keep ending with serious discussion, and El Cazador is a great writer and thinker in my opinion, and I'd put this out there:

Read More...


Rating: 2.6/5 (10 votes cast)

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February 17, 2005
Frank Reads the Bible: Genesis 14-17
Posted by Frank J. at 03:04 PM

I hadn't posted on this in a while because what I read was boring, but it ends up I stopped right before the mother lode that is Chapter 17. I could write a ton on that chapter alone.

Anyway, let's go quick through 14 to 16. Lot gets captured, and Abram comes to save his ass (he's the first action hero). Then God keeps going on and on about how many descendants Abram will have (who is probably like thinking to himself, "Okay, I'll have as many descendants has dust on the earth and stars in the sky... I get it. Could You stop bugging me!"). Then Sarai, who I remind you is barren, lets Abram get it on with her maid Hagar (does not sound like the name of a beautiful woman), and, surprisingly, this causes animosity. But then Hagar gives birth the Ishmael when Abram is 86, making him the second oldest new father after Larry King (who I think is the son of Japheth).

Now, at this point, I'm like, "Okay. This is all fair and good, but why do we care about Abram and this Sarai?" I'm not well versed in the Bible, but I thought the big people in the Bible after Noah were Abraham and Sarah. Then I read Chapter 17...

Abram and Sarai are Abraham and Sarah!

Am I only one who didn't know that?

Anyhoo, God goes renaming crazy, and grants Abram a ham to make him Abraham (or I guess it's more of a "ha" that goes between his 'a' and 'm'). He then downgrades Sarai's 'i' one letter to an 'h' to make her Sarah. Abram and Sarai just seemed to accept this, 'cause, if the almighty Lord says your name is now "Polly Prissy Pants," then you better go introducing yourself as "Triple-P" if you don't want a smiting.

Now comes the weird thing. God order circumcision has a symbol of his covenant. Why that? My guess is that God decide the human wang was just too weird looking, but it was too late for Him to change it. Thus, he had people fix it themselves. Whatever the reason, this shows how harsh the Old Testament is compared to the New Testament. Jesus just wanted you to splash some water on yourself, but God wanted you to put a knife to your wee-wee. I just hope Abraham didn't have much feeling down there when he did the deed at age 99.

Now here are a few points I'd like discussed by everyone who takes this seriously (sorry, no atheist allowed for this part):

First, look at God's statement to Abram (Gen. 15:5):

Then He brought him outside and said, "Look now toward heaven, and count the stars if you are able to number them." And He said to him, "So shall your descendants be."

If you take that literally, then the apocalypse can't be for a long long time if Abram is going to have that many descendants.

Second, and of the most curiosity to me, why Abram/Abraham? What makes him so special that God picked him to be the great father of all? Or did he try it with others who just got too tired of God droning on about how many descendants they would have?

Anyway, I know Abraham is big in the Muslim religion too, so I'm going to keep a close eye on him as I read further and make sure he doesn't blow anyone up. Later, thumpers.

Rating: 3.3/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (40)
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February 11, 2005
Frank Reads the Bible: Genesis 10-13
Posted by Frank J. at 01:42 PM

I have to apologize, I realized (after SarahK spit in my dinner) that I was a bit harsh with my post yesterday. Christianity is important to me, and I got overtaken in my passion and became too dismissive of beliefs I don't happen to share. The word "asinine" was particularly inappropriate. I have my own views that I have formed through my own thinking, but I shouldn't be so arrogant as to act like my own opinions are scripture or I risk wandering off the reservation. I should read with an open mind - for I have much to learn - balanced by my skepticism. Thus, I will follow the example of Jesus - who apologized every time he was wrong - and say I'm sorry for my tone yesterday.

That said, today's secret word is "begot." Remember to scream real loud whenever you see it.

Moses really could have used an editor. There is a whole chapter devoted to "this guy had these sons, and those sons had these sons." Sorry, but my eyes just glaze over at those parts. Only thing notable is some of the names. Gomer, Tubal, Cush, Put, Lud, Uz, and Hul. Why don't we see these names in more baby books?

"Dude, where'd you get a cool gangsta nickname like Tubal?"

"Actually, itís my given Christian name; it's biblical, you know. Anyway, let's get back to busting caps in people's asses."

Then, of course, there is Nimrod, son, of Cush, son of Ham who done saw his dad neckid. Gen. 10:9 -

He was a mighty hunter before the LORD; therefore it is said, "Like Nimrod the mighty hunter before the LORD."

Funny, don't they say today, "Like Nimrod, the idiot." Maybe I'm missing something.

About this chapter I notice an item of concern: No woman has been mentioned by name since Eve, and she was only worth mentioning because she screwed up paradise. The next woman to be named is Sarai at the end of Chapter 11, noted for being barren. That's pretty phaleocentric... or something.

Just thought I'd put that out there.

Anyway, onto the tower of Babel and confusion... and I mean my confusion. Now, as a kid, I thought the story was that God punished man's hubris of trying to build a tower to reach Heaven by making them all speak funny, but the language in this Bible translation doesn't make that so clear.

So, everyone speaks one language at this point, and they're like, "Let's get together and build a tower." Sounds logical so far. So then read this (Gen. 11:6-7):

And the LORD said, "Indeed the people are one and they all have one language, and this is what they begin to do; now nothing that they propose to do will be withheld from them. Come, let Us go down and there confuse their language, that they may not understand one another's speech."

Couple of questions here. Since many Bibles put Jesus's words in red, why doesn't God speaking get any special treatment? Shouldn't He be in like giant font in bold?

And what is God's reasoning here? Is He saying that these people have too much ability and He's decided to mess things up, like someone who got bored with an ant farm and decides to shake it like an Etch-a-Sketch?

And who is this "Us"? Is that a divine Us, or he is like speaking to his mafia-like angels?

"We're going to go down there and smack these people around 'till they don't even know their own language no more."

So everyone gets their languages messed up and God scatters them good. That leaves a few more questions, such as what was the one original language? Esperanto?

And what were the heinous crimes of those made to speak French? Did they see both their father and mother neckid?

Well, the Babel story is followed by more begattery which I'm just getting plain tired of. We learn that people are now living only like two hundred to four hundred years instead of nine hundred - which I guess is of interest. Anyway, we finally get from Shem to Abram and his wife, the aforementioned Sarai, and their wacky adventures.

So God tells Abram to get a moving since He'll lead him to a land in which he'll form a great nation. Thus, people understanding its a good idea to do what God tells you in this time, Abram heads off with Sarai and his nephew Lot. Soon, they get to Egypt and Abram says to Sarai, "Damn, woman, you fine! But let's just say I'm your brother so no one kills me to steal you away."

Wuss.

And what's he so worried about? They're only a few generations down from Noah; shouldn't all these people still be meeting together at family reunions?

Anyhoo, in a plot right out of a sitcom, the Pharaoh tries to put the moves on Sarai and then gets plagued by God. Then the Pharaoh finds out the reason he is getting plagued is because Sarai is actually Abram's wife and it ends with them all having a laugh over the wacky misunderstanding... or something.

And who's the Pharaoh? I spent five hours reading about 80 billion different sons, so why not tell me who the Pharaoh is and who he's related to? Or did I miss that when my eyes glazed over?

Moving on, Abram is pretty rich in livestock and what not, and so is Lot. Theyíre running our of grazing room, so Abram tries to settle things by saying Lot pick one way and he'll go the other way. Lot, being a ripe bastard, picks the well-watered areas towards Sodom and Gomorrah (which the Book tells us are going to be destroyed - totally ruining the surprise).

So Abram head into Cannan, and the Lord promises all the land to him, and Abram builds an altar (as he seems to like doing that). The wording was interesting (Gen. 13:14-17):

And the LORD said to Abram, after Lot had separated from him: "Lift your eyes now and look from the place where you are northward, southward, eastward, and westward; for all the land which you see I give to you and your descendants forever. And I will make your descendants as the dust of the earth; so that if a man could number the dust of the earth, then your descendants also could be numbered. Arise, walk in the land through its length and its width, for I give it to you."

I'm making a jump here, but, going by this text, if we could number the dust on the earth, could we then figure how many people had to live before Armageddon occurs?

Then again, it'll be just like the hanging chad thing as we get into argument about what technically is dust or not.

So what's the moral of these four chapters?

No frick'n clue. Maybe it's don't build large towers. Actually, the whole Babel idea seemed pretty bad as they were just using bricks and didn't have any steel supports. Come to think of it, if God hadn't scattered those people, it would have fallen and hurt someone and there would be lawsuits until the Israelis reached the Promised Land.

Well, we'll continue our adventure through the Old Testament later. Hopefully I'm past all the begetting, and the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah are coming up which should be fun. See you then, thumpers.

Rating: 2.4/5 (11 votes cast)

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February 10, 2005
Frank Reads the Bible: Further Discussion of Genesis
Posted by Frank J. at 02:36 PM

I plan to keep up this "Frank Reads the Bible" series going as it is finally motivating me to read the Bible cover to cover with intense interest (you need to pay attention to make jokes). I think I should clarify where I'm coming from, though. I find the beginning of the Bible (Genesis) immensely silly... both logically and theologically. It sounds just like the ridiculous mythology from many other cultures of why it rains and where does the sun come from. Also, itís hard for me to believe that God, the Creator of the universe, the most powerful Being that could possibly exist, went about things in such an asinine fashion.

That said, for the purpose of this series, I'm accepting everything at face value.

Now here is where I'm going to do some preaching and probably rub some people the wrong way (SarahK included). I think all this arguing about how many animals can fit into how many cubits and how all of creation really did just drop out of the sky hurts Christianity.

We have Jesus, the son of God walking among man and delivering messages of immeasurable value, and, having that, I don't give a rats ass about the validity of Genesis. It's piddling crap in comparison. Jesus showed me my value and my worth, and the exact details of how humanity came about thousands or millions of years ago will not affect that. Furthermore, the more time spent arguing about it, the more people think Christians are loons and the less time Jesus's word gets spread.

I've gone to the sites mentioned by a few readers trying to combine science with the idea the world is only thousands of years old, and its horrid. The human mind is a powerful thing; if it starts with something it believes as fact, it can manipulate any evidence into supporting that "fact." Real science involves collecting data and then making a conclusion. Now, there is plenty of bad science that doesn't involve religion, but I've hardly seen any good science that does (good science with religion is studying whether people who pray heal faster Ė which only proves what it states to prove, not whether God exists or if He actually hears our prayers).

Now, I'd take the Bible more seriously on issues of science if God sat down and explained Newtonian physics to Moses, but He doesn't. It's not His modus operandi. If he was going to leave fossils that proved his existence, He might as well appear in the sky and shout, "Booga! Booga!" so we all know He's there's and believe in Him. Instead, God made all our laws of science and seems to stick to them (Jesus's resurrection would be glaring example against that, but you'll never find anyone prove scientifically that it happened). In the end, faith has to come from the heart, not geological evidence.

Anyhoo, Derbyshire recently dealt with a similar issue and I think his view is worth reading. Next, I'll be getting back to finishing Genesis as I know the Tower of Babel is coming up, and, if I can't make a good joke about that, I'm not Frank J.

Well, there was myÖ letís seeÖ 47 cents on the issue.

Now cast your stones.

Rating: 2.7/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (109)
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February 09, 2005
Frank Reads the Bible: Genesis 5-9
Posted by Frank J. at 01:49 PM

Time to talk about Noah and the Ark.

Anyway, after the Cain and Abel story, there's a whole lot of begattery going on and people living even longer than Yoda. Noticeably absent for Chapter 5 is Cain and how long he lived; apparently he doesn't pop up again until the computer game Command & Conquer. The longest living, of course, is Methuselah (did his friends call him "Meth"?) at 969 years. SarahK says if you follow the chapters and do the math, he dies the year of the flood. I'll take her word for it because I didn't expect there to be word problems in the Bible and didn't have my calculator on me.

But we're getting ahead of ourselves.

So God suddenly declares man's "days shall be one hundred and twenty years," and giants are walking the earth and I've just given up on expecting the author, Moses, to give me anymore details of all this wackiness.

Now God gets angry (He's like angry throughout the Old Testament) at man's wickedness and declares, "I'm gonna kill the bastards!" (not an actual Bible quote). Then he realized that Noah is Ďaight so he spares him, his wife, his sons - Ham, Shem, and Japheth (where do they get these names?) - and their families.

Now comes the most detail yet in the Bible as God explains step by step how to build an ark. Yeah, people popping out of nowhere and giants wandering around doesn't need any explanation, but we learn how the ark was built down to about where each nail goes.

At least now we know where Jesus got his interest in carpentry from.

Noah is commanded to take onto the ark all the animals there are - seven each of the clean animals and two each of the unclean (I'm not sure exactly about the clean/unclean distinction, but I know it was discussed in the movie Pulp Fiction). Now, I admit I don't know how big a cubit is, but you aren't going to fit every specie of animal on that boat - I don't even care if it has four decks.

Supposedly, though, Noah shoves them all in there (luckily there being no Humane Society to stop him) and somehow gets the thing afloat when it rains for forty days and forty nights (almost as bad as Seattle). So the water goes up fifteen cubits (I really should look up how long a cubit is) and covers the mountains and kills everything on the land. Think of all those drowning puppies.

Of course, I'm going, "Bull." There is not enough water on earth to cover all the land and mountains, even if you melt all the ice. Are we supposed to believe that God just made water out of nowhere? And where did it all go when it receded?

Look at this verse (Gen 8:1):

Then God remembered Noah, and every living thing, and all the animals that were with him in the ark. And God made a wind to pass over the earth, and the waters subsided.

First off, God just forgot about them? What in the world was He up to? It makes me wonder if God has other universes to play with and we're just a side interest.

And the water was blown away by wind? Evidently, Noah, Moses, and/or God do not understand the water cycle (and I'm not thinking it's God).

Whatever. Let's just take it at face value. Now, instead of everyone descending from Adam and Eve, Noah the new origin as only he and his kin weren't voted off the island. And God then displays the symbol of gay pride as his covenant that He'll never fly off the handle and kill everyone again. So every time you see a rainbow, remember that God has given up His mass-murdering ways... at least by flood.

Now here is where things get weird.

No, really, this is where I'm completely lost. Noah makes wine and then gets completely wasted, passing out drunk and naked - nothing unusual yet. Now lookee here (Gen 9:22-23 for those playing along at home):

And Ham, the father of Canaan, saw the nakedness of his father, and told his two brothers outside. But Shem and Japheth took a garment, laid it on both their shoulders, and went backward and covered the nakedness of their father. Their faces were turned away, and they did not see their father's nakedness.

Now Noah gets all mad at Ham after this, when it seemed like Ham was the one wronged by seeing his father naked when he probably didn't even mean to. Now SarahK told me that "saw the nakedness of his father" is a euphemism for... uh... nastier things, but the next part about Shem and Japheth being careful not to look at their naked six-hundred something year-old father (and who wouldn't be careful once warned by your scarred for life brother) seems to me to imply that all Ham did was see Noah naked (probably then exclaiming, "Gah!" and shielding his eyes ala Hank Hill).

Whatever really happened, the crazy thing is Noah doesn't curse Ham (probably figuring having the name "Ham" being a big enough curse) and instead curses Ham's son Canaan to be a servant of the others and such. What the hell did he do?

Some used the curse as evidence why slavery of Africans was okay, but the whole part seems more like evidence that God was a little hasty in picking Noah as the righteous one. I really think Ham, Shem, and Japheth should have gotten together and given their father an intervention.

In toto, I take the lesson of the flood is that everyone deserves a mulligan... even the Lord.

Rating: 2.6/5 (23 votes cast)

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February 08, 2005
Frank Reads the Bible: Genesis 4
Posted by Frank J. at 01:17 PM

So I Google searched "New King James Bible" and found a bunch of sites that pretty much said it was written by Satan himself. Ends up, there's like a group out there that hates every Bible other than the King James Version.

What a bunch of spazzes.

Oh, and for the concerned Catholics, I have a regular Catholic Bible too; it's just soft-cover and getting kinda ratty. I'll get a new one later. Can never have too many Bibles (except for that Living Bible I have... ugh). Ends up that the Catholics were slow to having an English Bible because many didn't think that the laymen should try to interpret scripture by themselves. That's crazy.

Now my interpretation of scripture:

Anyhoo, chapter 4 of Genesis is all about the famous story of Cain and Abel and I found enough in it to do one post devoted to the subject. At first glance, there's nothing special to it: an older brother gets jealous of a younger sibling and tries to kill him (my older brother tried to kill me the first time I got straight A's). It has my all time favorite Bible quote, "Am I my brother's keeper?" I use that all the time. Like if SarahK ask where the big mixing bowl is, I'll reply, "Am I the mixing bowl's keeper?" I love that.

But it makes a horrible defense. If you ever saw anyone use that line on a police drama, you'd be like, "That guy it totally guilty! ...And he needs to update his prose." Using that lame a defense against God, Who is smarter than that average Joe, is particularly short-sighted. Maybe Cain couldn't think of any other defense; he certainly couldn't claim an alibi since the only other people in the world are Adam and Eve who know very well not to get on God's bad side. Being a defiant punk still didn't help, though.

Here's what he should have done:

GOD: "Where is your brother Abel."

CAIN: (very nonchalantly) "I bashed in his head. Why? Is that bad or something?"

GOD: "You committed murder!"

CAIN: "Is that what it's called? I didn't know. If You're upset, you should have put out a commandment out or something not to do that."

GOD: "Well... uh... yeah, I guess so. Then, for future reference, don't murder people. Now run along, you little scamp."

Instead, Cain pisses off God and gets banished. Then Cain worries that others will kill him on sight.

What "others"? I thought it was just him and Adam and Eve now?

Anyway, God gives Cain a mark so no one will kill him (what's that look like, and can I get it as a cool tat?), and Cain heads into the land of Nod and finds a wife.

Hello? Where are these other people coming from? I thought it was just Adam and Eve, or did God suddenly populate the world (meaning not everyone is traced back to Adam and Eve)? That sounds like that needs an explanation, but, the author, Moses, seems to have neglected it. I know it's a little late for criticism, but it would nice if Mosesí best friend (what was his name? Ed, I think) had pointed out this seeming plot hole.

ED: "Uh, Mo, this just doesn't make any sense."

MOSES: "It's God's word!"

ED: "Well, yeah, but maybe you should ask God for a few more words for the point of clarification."

Back to the story, the next part is a bunch of begatting going on, if you know what I mean (wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more, say no more). Finally, Adam and Eve have another child, Seth, and you can bet Eve is secretly thinking, "I really wanted a girl - a non-murderous one."

Anyway, I guess the point of this chapter is, if God accuses you of murder, you better have a really well thought out defense. If not, you get a cool tat, though.

Rating: 2.5/5 (28 votes cast)

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February 07, 2005
Frank Reads the Bible: Genesis 1-3
Posted by Frank J. at 12:56 PM

So I gots me a nice new Bible (New King James Version). Originally, I was like, "What do I need a Bible for? I'm Catholic!" When people say, "What Jesus said was..." I interrupt and say, "But more importantly, what the pope said was..."

Still, I checked the list of Vatican approved books and the Bible was on it. So, I thought I'd give it a look-see and find out what all the hub-bub is all about.

I decided to begin with the section Genesis (GEN-EE-SUS) for some reason. Taking it slow, I read just the first three chapters. This was written by Moses, BTW, which is good to know so if I don't like the prose I have someone to blame.

Anyway, I have a number of observations so far. First off, the start gives no information on what existed before the big bang and how many spatial dimensions there were.

Also, I noticed that what God did each day in creating the world ended with Him observing, "It was good." It wasn't great... but it wasn't poor either. It was just "good." That makes me wonder if God really spent all of each day working on the world or would He just fiddle around for part of the day and say, "Well, that's good enough. I'm going for a smoke."

The really disturbing part, though, is the whole Adam and Eve and the forbidden fruit thing. At first glance, this is the clearest case of entrapment in all of history; I mean, God puts this tree with fruit for seemingly no other purpose than to punish Adam and Eve when they eat it. But then you get to thinking why in the world is God trying to pin some trumped up charges on Adam and Eve when he just created them?

Yeah, I think you see where this is going. The whole thing was just a setup to catch a bigger fish - namely, the devil. God creates this perfect place, an Eden if you will, with the Adam and Eve and the forbidden fruit as obvious targets for the devil to spoil it all. Then God says, "It's the seventh day, so I'm going to sleep. Yep, won't be paying attention at all (wink) (wink)." Then the devil, in the guise of a serpent, completely falls for it. Then God is like, "Gotcha! Knew you were against me from the start! Let's see you weasel your way out of this one!"

After His triumph, God realizes he still has Adam and Eve to deal with, so He sets them on their way out of Eden (which takes just too much upkeep). That dealt with, He drinks a beer.

And it was good.

So - and I'm not saying this is necessarily true - it looks like humanity is just a byproduct of an elaborate sting operation on the devil. Pretty heavy, huh?

This is why you take the Bible in small chunks.

Rating: 2.2/5 (12 votes cast)

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