Giving money to Frank J. makes you happy!
Buy funniest book ever!
IMAO Merchandise and Newsletter
Cool shirts, mugs, stickers, and what-not!
Popular CategoriesFred Thompson Facts
John Edwards Fabulous Facts
Know Thy Enemy
Frank the Artist
In My World
Other ContentOde to Violence
IMAO Audio Bits
Read the Essay
Own the Shirt
Testimonials"All quotes attributed to me on IMAO are made up... including this one."
"Unfunny treasonous ronin!"
"You, sir, are a natural born killer."
"You'll never get my job! Never!!!"
"In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. And He did despair, for in His omniscience, He did know that His creations had but three-fifths of the splendor of that which would be IMAO."
-No One of Consequence
"A blogger with a sense of humor."
-Some Woman on MSNBC
BlogrollAce of Spades HQ
The Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler
The Daily Gut (with Jim Treacher!)
Dave in Texas
Eject! Eject! Eject!
La Shawn Barber's Corner
Right Wing News
The Flying Space Monkey Chronicles
Right Wing Duck
This Blog Is Full of Crap
Fred Thompson Links
Blogs for Fred
Fred Thompson Facts
December 19, 2007
The Official IMAO Republican Primary Endorsement
Posted by Frank J. at 11:08 AM
IMAO has long been a revered conservative institution, and we thought it would be neglectfully of us not to weigh in on who the Republicans should nominate for president. Surveys show that most Republicans are not certain of their current choice and a whole 53% of them are waiting for IMAO to tell them more.
So, looking at all the facts, here is who IMAO thinks should be the Republican nominee:
Many of you may be surprised by this. You may ask why didn't we endorse Ron Paul, the only hope for America? Do we not like America? And why didn't we endorse Mike Huckabee, the lovable hillbilly who will pardon any murderer who got a hold of a Bible? And what about Mitt Romney whose hair is very shiny?
These are good questions, and the endorsement of Fred Thompson certainly wasn't made on a whim. As you may know, IMAO has been reporting on Fred Thompson facts for some time -- for purely academic reasons. The more we looked at these facts, though, the more we began to think that they might mean that Fred Thompson is a great candidate. America really could use a candidate who could stop illegal immigration for a month by simply glaring at Mexico. And while other candidates are arguing over whether the rarely used waterboarding is too mean to terrorists, it's refreshing to have a candidate who believes that pulling out a terrorist's spine and beating him with it is a perfectly cromulent interrogation technique.
What really put us over the line was seeing the facts put to awesome music:
Also, John Hawkins's reduction of the Fred Thompson slogan "Kill the terrorists. Protect the border. Punch the hippies." down to the less cumbersome "Kill. Protect. Punch." really makes Fred Thompson's strengths as a candidate clear.
But we can't just go by our gut. Let's compare the main attributes of Fred Thompson versus the other candidates:
Fred Thompson: Teh Awesome
Other Candidates: Teh Suck
I believe when you lay things out this way, the reasons to support Fred Thompson over the other candidates becomes obvious, especially since IMAO has long held the position that "Teh Awesome" is better than "Teh Suck." And, in this time when our country is threatened by terrorists, weenies, and goobers, it's that more important we elect someone awesome -- a strong conservative who will kill and hurt those who need killing and hurting.
With a Fred Thompson presidency, I expect terrorists to become extinct within a year. Many bros will be tased, and hippies will be driven underground where they will eventually evolve into hideous creatures like the Morlocks (but not as hard working). America's economy will sky rocket all at the expense of foreign countries who will become so poor they'll all compete on who can grow us green onions the cheapest. Though Fred Thompson will not improve America's image abroad, other countries will suck so much in comparison to us that we'll care even less about their opinions.
So not only should you support Fred Thompson like your life depended on it, you should tell everyone else to do the same. Here's a visual example:
I should note, though, that the most important factor in IMAO endorsing Fred Thompson is that I already have an awesome t-shirt designed for him which will pretty much go to waste if he isn't the nominee. And it's not like I can just move that slogan to whoever the Republican nominee is, because, come on, do you think a tough slogan like that is going to work with Romney or hyuk-hyuk-Huckabee? No. Fred Thompson is the only Republican with the awesomeness to pull that off.
So, when it comes down to it, you have to ask yourself: Are you for awesomeness or not? If you think having a nominee who is awesome is just not for the Republican Party and we instead need some compromise candidate no one is thrilled with (or, in Ron Paul's case, only people infected with brain-eating bacteria are thrilled with), then vote for the one of the other guys. Otherwise, pull the lever for Fred Thompson, immediately turn around and punch the guy behind you in the face, and rock on!
Kill the terrorists.
Protect the border.
Punch the hippies.
Vote Fred Thompson.
He's the only candidate that is IMAO approved.
August 31, 2007
August 25, 2007
It's Fun to Win
Posted by Frank J. at 11:46 AM
khart208 has received his Super Happy Fun IMAO Prize Package Number One that celebrated five years of IMAO. Here's what he had to say:
I'd like to let everyone know that I just received my Super Happy Fun IMAO Prize Package [Number One] a couple of days ago. It was like Christmas, Easter, the Fourth of July and Labor Day all rolled into one! Except for the tree with ornaments, and colored eggs, and fireworks, and labor. I was so excited that I didn't even think to admonish my girlfriend when she asked "Who's this Frank guy, anyway? This isn't, like, drugs or something super bad, is it?" I grabbed that box and scuttled to my office. I haven't left since.
I had the foresight to scan the comic before mailing it, so here is khart208's comic printed with his permission:
That was fun! Since I still have some irregular copies of Chronicles of Dubya lying around (bent or off-center covers), maybe I can give them away in some future contests. If you want a normal copy, you can buy it from Amazon or some other online retailer.
August 24, 2007
It's Time to Move Our Military into the 21st Century with Dinosaurs with Rocket Launchers on Them
Posted by Frank J. at 10:36 AM
Our military is very good at what it does: killing foreigners and breaking their stuff. Still, America isn't feared enough abroad because of all the whiners and second-guessers at home (we call them Democrats). To make up for this will take extreme measures. Thus it's time for the weapon our generals have been dreaming about since the Civil War: Dinosaurs with rocket launchers on them.
We need to put all our money into researching how to resurrect dinosaurs and then put rocket launchers on them. When our pathetic little enemies see dinosaurs coming at them launching rockets, they are going to give up. "How can we expect to succeed over dinosaurs with rocket launchers on them?" they'll exclaim. "We must surrender now and hope the Americans will let us worship their obviously superior god."
I would expect all terrorism to end within a month of us first deploying dinosaurs with rocket launchers making this an investment well worth the money. Some may worry that we will have trouble controlling dinosaurs with rocket launchers, but I think they will listen to us as long as we are nice to them and talk to them in soothing voices saying, "Good dino. Good." All dinosaurs with rocket launchers on them want is love.
August 03, 2007
It's Time Americans Help the Muslim Religion
Posted by Frank J. at 01:18 PM
There seems to be a problem with Muslims in the Middle East. Many are not happy. Some are even angry. They have their religion of Islam and try to follow it best they can, but things do not seem to be working out for them. Know why?
Crude oil is not in the Qur'an, yet it dictates much of Muslim life. It causes Westerners who care not for their religion to come to their region and bug them. It also funds decadent Saudi princes who drink and spend money on lavish excesses -- things that are not very Muslimy. If Muslims want to get back to their roots, they need to get rid of all that oil which has nothing to do with their great religion. As a kind country who likes helping others, America should offer to take all the oil so it no longer plagues them.
The problem is that Muslims may have gotten so used to having non-Islamic black crude that they may not want to give up the oil even though doing so will allow them to focus on being Muslimy and happy. The call of Satan's black blood is too great for them to surrender it willingly. As friends of Muslims and all humanity, America may have to come and take all their oil for their own good.
So, to help Muslims in the Middle East, we'll need devices that can quickly steal all their oil. My first idea for that is some sort of flying ship:
It will fly over oil-rich fields and suck out all the oil and then fly away, leaving those areas to Muslim purity.
I also came up with an idea for a ground-based approach:
I got this idea from a Stephen Spielberg movie.
However we take their oil, we can expect this as the result:
Artist's depiction of Muslims free from the oil that plagues them.
With no more oil, they'll no longer have to be worried about being bothered by Westerners and can focus exclusively on being extra Muslimy.
If Americans truly care about their fellow man, it's high time they demand we steal all the oil in the Middle East.
FULL DISCLOSURE: Frank J. is a paid consultant of Halliburton and has no morals whatsoever.
July 27, 2007
July 17, 2007
July 09, 2007
May 07, 2007
Posted by Frank J. at 11:39 AM
Illegal Mexicans got you down? You'd like to deport them, but think of all the paperwork and the long drive to toss them over the border.
But now, deporting Mexicans is as easy as saying "Go home, invader!" if you use...
Simply place the Mexican in the Mexi-Cannon™, and its patented cannon technology takes over from there, delivering the Mexican back to Mexico in the blink of an eye.
Still, there are millions of illegal Mexicans in America. Can one cannon really deport all of them?
Yes it can with its Rapid-Fire Action!
That's right; the Mexi-Cannon™ can fire more than one Mexican at a time!
Soon all the Mexicans will be flying back to Mexico. Take that, evil Mexican Presidente!
The Mexi-Cannon™: For all your deportation needs!
THE MEXI-CANNON™ FAQ
Q. Can the Mexi-Cannon™ be used for deporting Canadians?
Q. Will the Mexi-Cannon™ hurt Mexicans?
Q. Aren't the Mexicans simply here to pick lettuce and thus don't deserve to be fired out of a cannon?
March 26, 2007
March 19, 2007
March 12, 2007
December 19, 2006
October 30, 2006
October 27, 2006
October 26, 2006
October 25, 2006
October 24, 2006
October 23, 2006
Democrats in Charge Comic #1
Posted by Frank J. at 09:46 AM
They say pictures are worth a thousand words, so my drawing must be worth at least somewhere between thirty and forty. That's good, because that's about as many words as the average attention span can take these days.
Anyway, I've decided to use the power of my drawings to depict to you what America will be like if it's run by Democrats. Here is the first comic in this series:
Don't let this scene become a reality! Vote Republican!
A new comic of the horrors of having Democrats in charge comes tomorrow...
September 25, 2006
Understanding Your Friends with BDS
Posted by Frank J. at 12:37 PM
Liberals these days can be quite hard for the average person to understand. While people see issues being influenced by many different people and factors, liberals will often draw everything back to President Bush - even if the President's views are only a small part of the issue or no factor what so ever. People who see everything in terms of President Bush are often described as suffering from "Bush Derangement Syndrome" (BDS for short). Now, I'm against labeling someone "deranged" simply because he or she has a different way of perceiving things than is the norm ("derangement" is a subjective term - subjective as any viewpoint), but I will use the term "BDS" in this article for simplicity since it is the most accepted label for those who hold a viewpoint that see everything in terms of President Bush. Still, I hope through this discussion you'll better understand those with BDS and see them less as "deranged" and more as people who see the world through a unique viewpoint.
Let's start by looking at the most common view of our world:
It's now a widely accepted fact that our solar system is heliocentric. All planets, including Earth, revolve around the sun, thus making the sun the central point of the solar system. The force that interconnects everything in the solar system is what's known as "gravity." The more massive an object, the more gravity it has. Thus, the sun being the most massive part of our solar system, its gravity has the most influence on the objects in the solar system, causing the planets to have elliptical orbits around the sun.
Now, let's look at how those with BDS see things:
Instead of planetary bodies, you have political and social issues. At the center is President George W. Bush, and all issues revolve around him in irregular, elliptical orbits (I don't own a compass). The force that interconnects everything and draws it to President Bush is a force known as "Karl Rove." The Karl Rove is seen as influencing everything (even if only in a small way), thus drawing everything in the universe towards Bush.
While there are many similarities between the heliocentric solar system and the bushcentric universe, one big difference is that orbits are static in the heliocentric solar system while they are constantly changing in the Bush centric universe. In the heliocentric solar system, planets maintain the same orbit and position in the solar system (e.g. Mercury is always in the first orbit - that nearest the sun - Venus in the second orbit, etc.), though a planet's orbit can disappear if scientist suddenly decide the planet is too small. In the bushcentric universe, the orbits of the issues can change on an hourly basis. Also, new orbits can suddenly appear if an issue previously never thought about gains prominence in the news. In the BDS view, this is all because President Bush has a negative draw, i.e., the more negative an issue is viewed, the closer it moves towards President Bush. For example, if the economy is doing particularly poorly, it will end up in a close orbit around President Bush. If the economy does well, that issue will go into a further orbit until eventually itís so far out that itís not visible.
There is another force important to understanding the BDS viewpoint. In the normal view of the universe, there is what's known as quantum mechanics. A particle can simultaneously be in multiple states until it is actually observed and then settles on a finite state. While this doesn't seem logical, it's accepted science. Similarly in the bushcentric universe, President Bush is both stupid and a master schemer at the same time, and it is not settled whether he more stupid or more of an evil schemer until a particular issue is observed and it is decided whether the stupid President Bush or the scheming President Bush best fits.
Now that you have a basic understanding of the bushcentric view of the universe, let's see how that viewpoint affects the interactions of a BDS person. Here's an example of a common exchange between someone who holds a more common understanding of the universe versus someone with a BDS viewpoint:
At first glance, you may think the BDS person responded with a non-sequitur and wasn't even listening. This is a common misperception many people have. To better understand why the BDS person responded appropriately, let's follow the BDS thought process, keeping in mind that everything centers on President Bush:
BDS THOUGHT PROCESS
By looking at things from the bushcentric viewpoint, we now understand that the BDS person was simply trying to agree with the statement and be friendly. Thus, the appropriate response back would be to pat the BDS person on the head and give him a cookie, thus furthering the burgeoning friendship.
You may be curious why those with BDS constantly bring up Hitler and Nazis. That's because, when BDS first began, it was understood that Hitler and the Nazis were bad. Since Bush is bad, he then had a relation to Hitler and the Nazis. Now that BDS has been around for so long, were you to ask a BDS person why Nazis are bad, he or she would most likely respond, "Because they're just like Bush." Thus, the comparison to Hitler and Nazis has taken on a bit of circular logic. Bush is like Hitler because Hitler is bad, and Hitler is bad because he is like Bush. So the statement "Bush is like Hitler" to a BDS person just means "Bush is like Bush" and is a very benign logical statement similar to "A is A."
One may wonder what will happen to people with BDS when President Bush leaves office. Well, letís consider what would happen to the solar system if the sun suddenly disappeared. Now lacking the gravitational center, the planets would be in disarray. If another large body were to come near, though, the planets would organize around that due its gravitational pull. Similarly, those with BDS with see their view of the world fall into disarray upon the departure of President Bush, but eventually another figure will emerge with enough emotional pull for them to center all issues around that person. Itís happened before in history with liberals, and it will happen again.
Hopefully this discussion will help you better understand your friends with BDS. Comprehending the bushcentric view of the universe makes it easy to understand why someone will claim the 100% minus Bush's approval rating agree with his or her viewpoint no matter what the subject, why 9/11 conspiracies are so rampant (just remember that buildings being blown up is bad and the rest is easy to understand), and why so many liberals shake their tiny fists in impotent rage at forces that seem beyond human control. With this knowledge, you can now converse with BDS people without confusion. Or, alternatively, you can punch them in their dumb monkey faces and understand the surprised look they give you afterwards means, "How could you mistake me for Bush?"
February 07, 2006
Man's Best Friends, Terrorists' Worst Enemy
Posted by Frank J. at 10:27 AM
We had enough money left over from wedding gifts that I demanded we have money set aside to get a dog. I said to SarahK, "Woman, we're getting a dog!" I even informed my cat Sydney that, as soon as I get a dog, I'm never going to pay her attention ever again, so she better get it while it's available (she then bit me).
SarahK is now a housewife, so that helps, but I still need lots of information on getting a puppy and then caring for said puppy, so if anyone has that information or knows where to get that information, I'd appreciate the advice. We'll be getting a German Shepherd or German Shepherd mix. And, does anyone know anything about "crate training"?
Anyway, I'm so excited about getting a dog, I've decided to draw concept art. I'm going to name the dog Tuco after a character from my favorite movie. Here's my vision for Tuco in Phase 1:
In the initial phase, Tuco will be small and even lack the muscles for holding his ears up. His teeth will be small and pointy like needles and no good for the crushing of bones. Also, he'll have a cuteness factor that will keep him from intimidating my foes. Thus, we move on to Phase 2:
I will train away Tuco's cuteness by having him attack the cats (who are a constant annoyance to me). Anytime the cats make noise, I'll yell, "Tuco! Cats!" and he'll go bite the cats until they're quiet. This will also help him wear out his puppy teeth. This training will eventually lead to Phase 3:
Now, Tuco will be a lean, mean fighting machine. Also, he'll probably be angry for no reason. All I'll have to do is direct is anger at my enemies. I won't stop there, though, as, after enough funding, I hope to move to Phase 4:
Tuco will have added to him dual rocket launchers and side mounted machine guns. Also, I'll put sunglasses on him to make him look cool. Now Tuco will be able to take out whole squadrons of terrorists and make me feared throughout the Home Owners' Association.
Getting a dog will be so much fun! I can't wait!
July 15, 2005
I Frank! I Help Liberals!
Posted by Frank J. at 12:35 PM
There are many liberals out there who still don't get it about terrorism. They blame America and not want go kill all terrorists... but that's what God made terrorists for!
He made them for killing!
Liberals all concerned about Rove and not evil bad people who want us and our friends dead. Rove doesn't want us dead, though; he just wants to implant mind-controlling chips in our brains. So liberals should be concerned with super-bad terrorists.
Why aren't they concerned with terrorists? They must be messed up in the head! I, Frank, know how to fix this...
FIRE THEM OUT OF A CANNON INTO THE SUN!!!
Sun will sort out bad ideas like it sorts hydrogen into helium (I smart; I know that). It will take lots of power to make liberal reach sun, though. I thought on this long time and came up with solution... USE LOTS AND LOTS OF GUNPOWDER!
If first attempt doesn't work, USE EVEN MORE GUNPOWDER!
This is good plan that will work! But sun moves during day! If you do not believe me, check where sun is now and then check were it is later. It will have moved! How do we hit moving sun?
USE COMPUTER WITH CALCULATIONS AND STUFF!
This is good. But then I think that liberals may tear apart from the forces placed upon them by being fired out of cannon with lots and lots of gunpowder. Smart people like me realize things like this. Things like this is problem!
I solve problem!
SEAL LIBERAL IN METAL CAPSULE!
Smart idea solves problem! You may wonder how liberal will know he reach sun. I tell you how.
IT WILL GET VERY VERY HOT!
This is chief characteristic of sun and hard to miss.
Now my idea is done and is good idea. You tell everyone! You get me much money to implement it!
June 16, 2005
April 21, 2005
Follow the Food Pyramid or Face the Mummy's Curse
Posted by Frank J. at 12:22 PM
The government has released a new food pyramid to help Americans eat right, but why have a new food pyramid when I, Frank J., have uncovered an ancient one that is greater than all. An illustration of it is here:
March 15, 2005
Frank's Bible Study Notes
Posted by Frank J. at 08:59 AM
Been busy this week, but I'll have a political post later today. Also, I'll soon have another segment of Frank Reads the Bible™. Until then, I think you should know I've been going to some real Bible study with SarahK. I thought I'd share my notes with you so you'd see how spiritually enlightened I'm getting.
March 01, 2005
January 27, 2005
January 20, 2005
The Hate-Filled Lefty Goes to Bush's Inauguration
Posted by Frank J. at 10:12 AM
Still sick, but since I'm up for a few minutes, thought I'd post this comic I drew last night. If the quality isn't as good as usual, it's 'cause I'm sick, yo.
January 06, 2005
The Hate-Filled Lefty Meets SarahK
Posted by Frank J. at 08:53 AM
I'll be leaving after work to catch a flight to Amarillo and help SarahK move all her stuff to Florida, so I won't see you guys again until next week. I didn't think it was right that only I get to see SarahK, so...
December 20, 2004
December 16, 2004
The Hate-Filled Lefty Meets Opressed Muslims
Posted by Frank J. at 09:08 AM
Fair warning: Final contest post follows this one in a couple minutes, so be ready.
Anyhoo, if you aren't refreshing like crazy, here's everyone's favorite lefty - the hate-filled one!
Hooray! Me draw good!
December 08, 2004
The Hate-Filled Lefty Makes a New Friend
Posted by Frank J. at 08:31 AM
He's The Hate-Filled Lefty!
Okay, I'm still working on the theme song.
Yay! Comics make me laugh and are good!
December 02, 2004
The Hate Filled-Lefty Lefty Goes to Sea World
Posted by Frank J. at 06:56 AM
I think the Hate-Filled Lefty should have a theme song:
He's the Hate-Filled Lefty,
Okay, that needs work. Anyway, here is comic!
Yay! Comics are fun!
November 22, 2004
November 19, 2004
November 18, 2004
New Comic Character: Hate-Filled Lefty
Posted by Frank J. at 08:28 AM
With all the comics drawn by hate-filled lefties, I was thinking maybe I could do a comic about a hate-filled lefty. But how to design a new comic character? Here is what I came up with:
Hooray for comics! Who knows what wacky adventures he'll have in the future!
November 04, 2004
Funny Then Sleep
Posted by Frank J. at 07:41 AM
Feeling even worse this morning, so I'm going to rest up this day and hopefully recover. That means I'll have that essay and In My World™ sometime later... hopefully by tomorrow.
Still, I made this illustrations about how an upgrade to S.M.I.T.E. good be advantageous.
Hopefully that will have to be enough to get for funding.
October 29, 2004
The IMAO Presidential Endorsement
Posted by Frank J. at 11:45 AM
In the course of this long campaign, you've been asking yourself one question, "Who will IMAO tell me to vote for?" Well, that time has come, and the person you should vote for is President George W. Bush.
Domestically, he has given me tax cuts.
He may have done lots of spending, but I don't know how that affects me so I don't care.
Most importantly, though, he's killed terrorists.
Even stopping the evil Saddam.
The war on terrorism is very important, so he even teamed up with great allies like Tony Blair.
Together they fought terrorists and ninjas.
Bush's opponent, Senator John Kerry, is scared of terrorists and ninjas.
That's why I enthusiastically endorse Bush and say that Kerry is a goober. We need four more years of tax cuts and dead terrorists.
October 18, 2004
Posted by Frank J. at 06:55 AM
Over the weekend I went shooting with SarahK. The only other people at the range looked to be a father and his twelve year old son, but it ended up they were both sheriffs, the older teaching the younger quick reloads.
Well, I have pictures and will give you a whole range report later, but why trust pictures when you can see an artist's rendition?
October 14, 2004
October 13, 2004
S.M.I.T.E. in the Office
Posted by Frank J. at 12:58 PM
There still has been no funding for my space laser program! That makes me so mad I could scowl! Well, I'll show yet another application of space-based lasers:
Yes, you too can improve your office morale and productivity through the miracle of targeted laser strikes. Write to your congressman about S.M.I.T.E. now!
September 29, 2004
No Beer and No TV Makes Frank J. Something Something
Posted by Frank J. at 10:00 AM
Sitting in my house Saturday in the dark (I had no power and my storm windows blocked out the sun), I was hot and bored as the wind still howled about me. Out of this frustration I then drew my most artistic cartoon yet:
September 25, 2004
Hurricane Force Winds, I Shake My Fist at Thee!
Posted by Frank J. at 12:57 PM
Going out in the golf course and shouting at the storm has been canceled due to common sense. Instead, here is an artist's renditition of what that would have looked like.
For those in Florida who do not have hats and are not mighty, be safe.
September 24, 2004
Just Beat It
Posted by Frank J. at 10:48 AM
I mentioned this story about an Iranian woman who was trying to have a court keep her husband to only beating her once a week. The husband protested since he wouldn't be able to keep his wife obeying him if he couldn't beat her at will.
I have a better solution:
Yes, space lasers can even settle domestic disputes. So why isn't funding pouring in?
Pour in the funding! ::shakes fist::
September 22, 2004
Panacea for Dictators
Posted by Frank J. at 10:27 AM
There are reports that Saddam Hussein is depressed. Aww... po' Saddam. As the cat batter mentioned, electroshock can be used to treat depression though scientists arenít sure why it works. Just make sure the electrodes are connected to the head and not the genitalia.
But I have a better solution:
Yes, space lasers can cure a murderous dictator of anything. Help support its funding now!
September 14, 2004
Rather's Last Stand Political Comic: Special Edition
Posted by Frank J. at 10:18 AM
I know many of you liked the comic I did Sunday. It's become precious to you and part of popular culture. Still, it wasn't what I had envisioned.
Thanks to technology that simply wasn't available two days ago, reader R Strong has digitally enhanced the comic so itís now more like what I originally envisioned.
Having loved the previous one so, I know many of you are not going to like this change, but art is a living thing that should evolve with the times.
Now if only I could make it so Greedo fires first...
September 12, 2004
Political Comic: Rather's Last Stand
Posted by Frank J. at 11:41 AM
I was inspired by current events to draw my very first political comic, full of subtle symbolism.
Eat your heart out, Cox & Forkum.
UPDATE: Now that I think of it, isn't it quite apropos to use a crude drawing to make fun of crude forgeries?
September 01, 2004
Lighten the Mood with a Cartoon
Posted by Frank J. at 12:36 PM
I'm waiting for my workplace's verdict on the Hurricane Framces which will be at 1pm. Whatever it is, I booked a room at the Orlando Airport so I can drive up there tonight after I secure my house (who knows when an evacuation order will come out, and then the roads will be packed).
A lot on my mind, so, to lighten the mood, here is a drawing I did of SarahK and I at the canyon.
August 11, 2004
Posted by Frank J. at 06:39 AM
Still no funding for the space laser! Am I the only visionary? Well, I would like to tell people that the space laser power can be increased to destroy more than just one human target. Look at this presentation and learn!
July 20, 2004
S.M.I.T.E. in the Home
Posted by Frank J. at 06:43 AM
Unbelievably, I still have not gotten any government grants to build my space laser, S.M.I.T.E, even after my original spiel for it, my detailed plans of it, and showing its domestic applications. To further display its usefulness, I now have produced a graphical representation of its non-lethal uses.
Well, I guess its targeting and power output still have to be worked on. More arguments for why I need the funding!
July 14, 2004
The Domestic Applications of S.M.I.T.E.
Posted by Frank J. at 11:29 AM
I still haven't got any funding for my S.M.I.T.E. space laser concept, so I figured I better produce yet another graphic illustration of the uses of S.M.I.T.E. beyond just defeating terrorism.
June 24, 2004
We Must S.M.I.T.E. Our Enemies!
Posted by Frank J. at 06:46 AM
Everyone thought my idea for a space laser was great, but I still haven't gotten the government grant money to start the project. Perhaps more convincing will do. Here I have written out a full, scientifical diagram of the S.M.I.T.E. design (it could be more scientifical, but I couldn't find my ruler and just used a pen to draw it):
And here is yet another demonstration of how the laser can be used for happy, peaceful purposes:
I hope that's enough to convince everyone and get me the grant money. I think I'll just supervise the creation because then I don't have to worry about all those hard design questions and just yell at people instead.
I like yelling.
June 16, 2004
Pax Ex Viro Et Laseris
Posted by Frank J. at 06:55 AM
Things are getting tense, I tells ya. We have to get things done right in Iraq so that it's known around the world that America will always follow through on what we say and that we murder any sons of bitches who f**k with us. And we have to do it before January just in case, 'cause Lord knows John F'n Kerry ain't gonna get it done.
We have work cut out for us, people. I saw a headline yesterday on CNN: "Accused Abu Ghraib contractor: Guards told to keep prisoners awake". Well boo-f**king-hoo. Yeah, isn't that horrible; some scumbags didn't get their nappies all because we're trying to stop terrorism. Here's a little tip for people who want more sleep: DON'T SHOOT AT AMERICANS!
Actually, most who do end up with all the sleep they want, but now I'm sidetracked.
The point - and I swear this time I have one for real - is that if we were a tough and resolved society, we would not have headlines like that. Worrying endlessly about that crap makes us look weak and makes terrorist dumbasses think they can attack us. That just not right.
Remember when Reagan didn't know the mike was on and joked about how "the bombing starts in five minutes!"? Well, I don't, because I was too young, but I sure have heard plenty about it, and the Soviets were actually scared it was going to happen. They thought we were so crazy-loco, we just might do it. That's what we need again.
I don't want this to be a re-hash of Nuke the Moon, but we have problems to fix. Vietnam is run by Commies, Somalia is still war torn, and Castro walks and breathes as we speak - all glaring failures. That means we have a lot of work ahead of us to get the terrorists from wanting to kill us to fearing us like an angry god.
First off, don't take s**t from the goobers. When the Red Cross the other day said we either had to charge Saddam or let him go, the immediate response should have been to knock the Red Cross representatives into a puddle of mud and shout, "You don't tell us what to do! We're America! We have nukes! We do whatever the hell we want, and no one - NO ONE - can stop us! We'll give Saddam a trial consisting of asking, 'Are you Saddam?', and, as soon as he says yes, we'll immediately proceed to execute him in a most painful and lengthy way. And, if you feel like objecting, I'll just warn you not to get in our way when we're already in a kill'n mood!"
Methods like this should soon keep us from having to deal with pansy-ass crap and leave us to deal solely with the real issue: eradicating evil.
We all hear about the evil Iraqis out there who blow up people and then desecrate the corpses. Well, celebration of evil is bad, and we have to put that in their heads. It's kinda like if a dog keeps getting in the trash, put a mouse trap in there. The shock will then teach the dog to stay out of the trash. We can in the same way teach people that terrorist evil equals pain. First, we take some dead terrorists (I'm sure we have plenty to spare), and stage a phony attack making it look like cars of Americans were blown up. When people run over to celebrate, we then set off a real bomb taking out the whole lot of evil Iraqis while at the same time a plane flies over blaring this over a loudspeaker.
Bet they'll be pretty hesitant after that to celebrate what they think to be a terrorist attack.
Of course, more explosive is not going to solve the problem; that just puts us on their level. We need to take things to the next level to really reign supreme.
Imagine this: there's been a terrorists attack and bunch of Islamo-fascists start celebrating. On stage is a revered blind and/or crippled cleric. He starts to give a speech praising Allah and saying how great it is that America has been attacked. Just as he gets the crowd riled, suddenly a bright light comes from the sky bursting the cleric into flames. The crowd runs in terror as if God Himself is raining His wrath down upon them.
That right people; it's time for the space-based laser.
Sure, lasers for shooting down nuclear missiles are in the works, but that's not going to frighten terrorist dumbasses. We need something that can target them personally.
You may be saying that seems like a lot of money to build something that takes out one human target at a time and that nuclear weapons are already more destructive, but then you're missing the beauty of this. With our laser, we can take out any person at anytime (we'll even equip with infrared to see through buildings), and the weapon will be where those retards could never hope of reaching it. Our enemies will quiver every moment of every day, knowing their death could come at anytime if we so please, and there is nothing - NOTHING - they can do. That's why I'll call it the Satellite for Mind-f**king, Intimidating, and Terminating the Enemy - or S.M.I.T.E. for short.
Here are some technical drawings I have of the concept:
I hope that's enough to get the grant money flowing my way. We must do this to have global supremacy. Now, I'm an electrical engineer, but I'll need someone with knowledge about lasers and someone with knowledge about space to get this done.
The future is coming people, and we need our space lasers.
April 16, 2004
Super Happy Index
Posted by Frank J. at 11:09 AM
John Kerry came out with a new misery index to try and convince us we're all miserable, but a higher number on it means less misery. That's wacky.
I decided to make my own index. A higher number means less misery on mine, too, so I call it the "Super Happy Index". Zero is suicidal unhappy, while it will only reach negative numbers if you live in another country. What makes my index different from others is it's an inverse to the misery of our enemies and takes in such factors as whether the president is named Ronald Reagan.
March 25, 2004
IMAO's Roadmap to Peace
Posted by Frank J. at 06:28 AM
Everyone has been talking about how blowing up Yassin and other things is screwing up the roadmap to peace, and that sounds bad. I then started figuring that maybe the roadmap that is currently too complicated if it gets messed up every time some terrorists catches a missile. Thus, I, Frank J., the super-smart, have made a much simpler roadmap to lead to peace in the Middle East.
Buy IMAO T-Shirts
The IMAO T-Shirt Babe
(winning picture) YOU BUY NEW SHIRTS NOW!!!
Best of IMAO 2002
Best of IMAO 2006
Frank on Guns
Frank Reads the Bible
Frank the Artist
Fred Thompson Facts
Hellbender Take Two
Hillary Clinton Terrible Truths
I Hate Frank
If I Were President
IMAO for the Non-Deaf
IMAO Think Tank
In My World
In My World - Fan Fiction
John Edwards Fabulous Facts
Know Thy Enemy
Mitt Romney Ads
Precision Guided Humor Assignments
Ron Paul, Ron Paul, Ron Paul
Ronin Thought of the Day
SarahK's TV stuff
Scary Evil Monkey
Songs & Poems
State of the Frank Report
Totally True Tidbits
WEsistance Is Facile
Why Me Laugh?
By MonthDecember 2008