IMAO has long been a revered conservative institution, and we thought it would be neglectfully of us not to weigh in on who the Republicans should nominate for president. Surveys show that most Republicans are not certain of their current choice and a whole 53% of them are waiting for IMAO to tell them more.

So, looking at all the facts, here is who IMAO thinks should be the Republican nominee:

Fred Dalton Thompson

Many of you may be surprised by this. You may ask why didn't we endorse Ron Paul, the only hope for America? Do we not like America? And why didn't we endorse Mike Huckabee, the lovable hillbilly who will pardon any murderer who got a hold of a Bible? And what about Mitt Romney whose hair is very shiny?

These are good questions, and the endorsement of Fred Thompson certainly wasn't made on a whim. As you may know, IMAO has been reporting on Fred Thompson facts for some time -- for purely academic reasons. The more we looked at these facts, though, the more we began to think that they might mean that Fred Thompson is a great candidate. America really could use a candidate who could stop illegal immigration for a month by simply glaring at Mexico. And while other candidates are arguing over whether the rarely used waterboarding is too mean to terrorists, it's refreshing to have a candidate who believes that pulling out a terrorist's spine and beating him with it is a perfectly cromulent interrogation technique.

What really put us over the line was seeing the facts put to awesome music:

Also, John Hawkins's reduction of the Fred Thompson slogan "Kill the terrorists. Protect the border. Punch the hippies." down to the less cumbersome "Kill. Protect. Punch." really makes Fred Thompson's strengths as a candidate clear.

But we can't just go by our gut. Let's compare the main attributes of Fred Thompson versus the other candidates:

Fred Thompson: Teh Awesome

Other Candidates: Teh Suck

I believe when you lay things out this way, the reasons to support Fred Thompson over the other candidates becomes obvious, especially since IMAO has long held the position that "Teh Awesome" is better than "Teh Suck." And, in this time when our country is threatened by terrorists, weenies, and goobers, it's that more important we elect someone awesome -- a strong conservative who will kill and hurt those who need killing and hurting.

With a Fred Thompson presidency, I expect terrorists to become extinct within a year. Many bros will be tased, and hippies will be driven underground where they will eventually evolve into hideous creatures like the Morlocks (but not as hard working). America's economy will sky rocket all at the expense of foreign countries who will become so poor they'll all compete on who can grow us green onions the cheapest. Though Fred Thompson will not improve America's image abroad, other countries will suck so much in comparison to us that we'll care even less about their opinions.

So not only should you support Fred Thompson like your life depended on it, you should tell everyone else to do the same. Here's a visual example:

I should note, though, that the most important factor in IMAO endorsing Fred Thompson is that I already have an awesome t-shirt designed for him which will pretty much go to waste if he isn't the nominee. And it's not like I can just move that slogan to whoever the Republican nominee is, because, come on, do you think a tough slogan like that is going to work with Romney or hyuk-hyuk-Huckabee? No. Fred Thompson is the only Republican with the awesomeness to pull that off.

So, when it comes down to it, you have to ask yourself: Are you for awesomeness or not? If you think having a nominee who is awesome is just not for the Republican Party and we instead need some compromise candidate no one is thrilled with (or, in Ron Paul's case, only people infected with brain-eating bacteria are thrilled with), then vote for the one of the other guys. Otherwise, pull the lever for Fred Thompson, immediately turn around and punch the guy behind you in the face, and rock on!

Kill the terrorists.

Protect the border.

Punch the hippies.

Vote Fred Thompson.

He's the only candidate that is IMAO approved.

...Close It

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khart208 has received his Super Happy Fun IMAO Prize Package Number One that celebrated five years of IMAO. Here's what he had to say:

I'd like to let everyone know that I just received my Super Happy Fun IMAO Prize Package [Number One] a couple of days ago. It was like Christmas, Easter, the Fourth of July and Labor Day all rolled into one! Except for the tree with ornaments, and colored eggs, and fireworks, and labor. I was so excited that I didn't even think to admonish my girlfriend when she asked "Who's this Frank guy, anyway? This isn't, like, drugs or something super bad, is it?" I grabbed that box and scuttled to my office. I haven't left since.

I've watched "Die Hard" at least five times now, and every time it's better, because I know that FrankJ and SarahK's eyes have seen the exact same movie! I haven't changed out of my IMAO shirt in days. "The Chronicles of Dubya", so kindly and thoughtfully inscribed by both FrankJ and SarahK, hasn't been out of my hands. Their words of wisdom are so profound... I'm going to memorize this book like terrorists memorize the Koran. And their special, mystery gift... well, I'm not going to spoil that, but suffice it to say it's something that I'll hold near and dear as a family heirloom, at least until the next time I have any unsightly rough spots on the fence or splinters to take care of.

As for the Hate-Filled Liberal cartoon... I know that posting for all to see will diminish its tremendous monetary value. However, I am willing to sacrifice some of the resale profits to provide a public service. If only someone could tell me how to post the scanned image...

I had the foresight to scan the comic before mailing it, so here is khart208's comic printed with his permission:

That was fun! Since I still have some irregular copies of Chronicles of Dubya lying around (bent or off-center covers), maybe I can give them away in some future contests. If you want a normal copy, you can buy it from Amazon or some other online retailer.

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Our military is very good at what it does: killing foreigners and breaking their stuff. Still, America isn't feared enough abroad because of all the whiners and second-guessers at home (we call them Democrats). To make up for this will take extreme measures. Thus it's time for the weapon our generals have been dreaming about since the Civil War: Dinosaurs with rocket launchers on them.

We need to put all our money into researching how to resurrect dinosaurs and then put rocket launchers on them. When our pathetic little enemies see dinosaurs coming at them launching rockets, they are going to give up. "How can we expect to succeed over dinosaurs with rocket launchers on them?" they'll exclaim. "We must surrender now and hope the Americans will let us worship their obviously superior god."

I would expect all terrorism to end within a month of us first deploying dinosaurs with rocket launchers making this an investment well worth the money. Some may worry that we will have trouble controlling dinosaurs with rocket launchers, but I think they will listen to us as long as we are nice to them and talk to them in soothing voices saying, "Good dino. Good." All dinosaurs with rocket launchers on them want is love.

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There seems to be a problem with Muslims in the Middle East. Many are not happy. Some are even angry. They have their religion of Islam and try to follow it best they can, but things do not seem to be working out for them. Know why?

Oil.

Crude oil is not in the Qur'an, yet it dictates much of Muslim life. It causes Westerners who care not for their religion to come to their region and bug them. It also funds decadent Saudi princes who drink and spend money on lavish excesses -- things that are not very Muslimy. If Muslims want to get back to their roots, they need to get rid of all that oil which has nothing to do with their great religion. As a kind country who likes helping others, America should offer to take all the oil so it no longer plagues them.

The problem is that Muslims may have gotten so used to having non-Islamic black crude that they may not want to give up the oil even though doing so will allow them to focus on being Muslimy and happy. The call of Satan's black blood is too great for them to surrender it willingly. As friends of Muslims and all humanity, America may have to come and take all their oil for their own good.

So, to help Muslims in the Middle East, we'll need devices that can quickly steal all their oil. My first idea for that is some sort of flying ship:

It will fly over oil-rich fields and suck out all the oil and then fly away, leaving those areas to Muslim purity.

I also came up with an idea for a ground-based approach:

I got this idea from a Stephen Spielberg movie.

However we take their oil, we can expect this as the result:

Artist's depiction of Muslims free from the oil that plagues them.

With no more oil, they'll no longer have to be worried about being bothered by Westerners and can focus exclusively on being extra Muslimy.

If Americans truly care about their fellow man, it's high time they demand we steal all the oil in the Middle East.

FULL DISCLOSURE: Frank J. is a paid consultant of Halliburton and has no morals whatsoever.

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Illegal Mexicans got you down? You'd like to deport them, but think of all the paperwork and the long drive to toss them over the border.

But now, deporting Mexicans is as easy as saying "Go home, invader!" if you use...

Simply place the Mexican in the Mexi-Cannon™, and its patented cannon technology takes over from there, delivering the Mexican back to Mexico in the blink of an eye.

Still, there are millions of illegal Mexicans in America. Can one cannon really deport all of them?

Yes it can with its Rapid-Fire Action!

That's right; the Mexi-Cannon™ can fire more than one Mexican at a time!

Soon all the Mexicans will be flying back to Mexico. Take that, evil Mexican Presidente!

The Mexi-Cannon™: For all your deportation needs!

THE MEXI-CANNON™ FAQ

Q. Can the Mexi-Cannon™ be used for deporting Canadians?
A. The FDA has only approved the use of the Mexi-Cannon™ on Mexicans.

Q. Will the Mexi-Cannon™ hurt Mexicans?
A. No. Mexicans don't feel pain like you and me.

Q. Aren't the Mexicans simply here to pick lettuce and thus don't deserve to be fired out of a cannon?
A. Wrong! Picking lettuce used to be my job. Now I'm unemployed and have nothing left to do but sit around all day and draw pictures of Mexicans being fired out of cannons. Don't let this happen to you; buy the Mexi-Cannon™ today!

...Close It

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NOTE: All "The Js" comics are based on true stories.

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Click for full size.

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What else will the Democrats be up to if they win the election? Read comic and find out!

Archive:

Comic #5
Comic #4
Comic #3
Comic #2
Comic #1

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What other indignities will we suffer if the Democrats are in charge? Read comic and find out!

Archive:

Comic #4
Comic #3
Comic #2
Comic #1

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What else will those wacky Democrats do if they get in charge? Read comic and find out!

Archive:

Comic #3
Comic #2
Comic #1

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How will those stupid, effete Democrats further destroy America if they are in charge? Read comic and find out!

Archive:

Comic #2
Comic #1

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What else can we expect when the Democrats are in charge? Read the comic to find out!

Archive:

Comic #1

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They say pictures are worth a thousand words, so my drawing must be worth at least somewhere between thirty and forty. That's good, because that's about as many words as the average attention span can take these days.

Anyway, I've decided to use the power of my drawings to depict to you what America will be like if it's run by Democrats. Here is the first comic in this series:

Don't let this scene become a reality! Vote Republican!

A new comic of the horrors of having Democrats in charge comes tomorrow...

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Liberals these days can be quite hard for the average person to understand. While people see issues being influenced by many different people and factors, liberals will often draw everything back to President Bush - even if the President's views are only a small part of the issue or no factor what so ever. People who see everything in terms of President Bush are often described as suffering from "Bush Derangement Syndrome" (BDS for short). Now, I'm against labeling someone "deranged" simply because he or she has a different way of perceiving things than is the norm ("derangement" is a subjective term - subjective as any viewpoint), but I will use the term "BDS" in this article for simplicity since it is the most accepted label for those who hold a viewpoint that see everything in terms of President Bush. Still, I hope through this discussion you'll better understand those with BDS and see them less as "deranged" and more as people who see the world through a unique viewpoint.

Let's start by looking at the most common view of our world:

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We had enough money left over from wedding gifts that I demanded we have money set aside to get a dog. I said to SarahK, "Woman, we're getting a dog!" I even informed my cat Sydney that, as soon as I get a dog, I'm never going to pay her attention ever again, so she better get it while it's available (she then bit me).

SarahK is now a housewife, so that helps, but I still need lots of information on getting a puppy and then caring for said puppy, so if anyone has that information or knows where to get that information, I'd appreciate the advice. We'll be getting a German Shepherd or German Shepherd mix. And, does anyone know anything about "crate training"?

Anyway, I'm so excited about getting a dog, I've decided to draw concept art. I'm going to name the dog Tuco after a character from my favorite movie. Here's my vision for Tuco in Phase 1:

In the initial phase, Tuco will be small and even lack the muscles for holding his ears up. His teeth will be small and pointy like needles and no good for the crushing of bones. Also, he'll have a cuteness factor that will keep him from intimidating my foes. Thus, we move on to Phase 2:

I will train away Tuco's cuteness by having him attack the cats (who are a constant annoyance to me). Anytime the cats make noise, I'll yell, "Tuco! Cats!" and he'll go bite the cats until they're quiet. This will also help him wear out his puppy teeth. This training will eventually lead to Phase 3:

Now, Tuco will be a lean, mean fighting machine. Also, he'll probably be angry for no reason. All I'll have to do is direct is anger at my enemies. I won't stop there, though, as, after enough funding, I hope to move to Phase 4:

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There are many liberals out there who still don't get it about terrorism. They blame America and not want go kill all terrorists... but that's what God made terrorists for!

He made them for killing!

Liberals all concerned about Rove and not evil bad people who want us and our friends dead. Rove doesn't want us dead, though; he just wants to implant mind-controlling chips in our brains. So liberals should be concerned with super-bad terrorists.

Why aren't they concerned with terrorists? They must be messed up in the head! I, Frank, know how to fix this...

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Hate-Filled Lefty meets hate-filled, crazed rhetoric.

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The government has released a new food pyramid to help Americans eat right, but why have a new food pyramid when I, Frank J., have uncovered an ancient one that is greater than all. An illustration of it is here:

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Been busy this week, but I'll have a political post later today. Also, I'll soon have another segment of Frank Reads the Bible™. Until then, I think you should know I've been going to some real Bible study with SarahK. I thought I'd share my notes with you so you'd see how spiritually enlightened I'm getting.

My Bible Study Notes

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Poorly drawn comics beget poorly drawn comics.

For more Ted Rall fun, Laurence Simon has reopened his Ted Rall comic parody archives.

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Still sick, but since I'm up for a few minutes, thought I'd post this comic I drew last night. If the quality isn't as good as usual, it's 'cause I'm sick, yo.

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I'll be leaving after work to catch a flight to Amarillo and help SarahK move all her stuff to Florida, so I won't see you guys again until next week. I didn't think it was right that only I get to see SarahK, so...

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Based on a true story:

(NOTE: I used a technique to try and make the comic darker. I hope it's good enough for all you complainers.)

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Fair warning: Final contest post follows this one in a couple minutes, so be ready.

Anyhoo, if you aren't refreshing like crazy, here's everyone's favorite lefty - the hate-filled one!

Hooray! Me draw good!

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He's The Hate-Filled Lefty!
He's The Hate-Filled Lefty!
He doesn't know when to shut up.

He's The Hate-Filled Lefty!
He's The Hate-Filled Lefty!
It's sure is fun to beat him up.

Okay, I'm still working on the theme song.

Yay! Comics make me laugh and are good!

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I think the Hate-Filled Lefty should have a theme song:

He's the Hate-Filled Lefty,
He's the Hate-Filled Lefty,
It's funny when he gets hurt!

Okay, that needs work. Anyway, here is comic!

Yay! Comics are fun!

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New comic! Everyone happy dance (except me; I'm still working on that)!

Wasn't that fun? Of course it was.

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Yay! Another comic!

Hooray! I hoped you liked that, because I have a million more ideas for this character.

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With all the comics drawn by hate-filled lefties, I was thinking maybe I could do a comic about a hate-filled lefty. But how to design a new comic character? Here is what I came up with:

Now here's his first adventure:

Hooray for comics! Who knows what wacky adventures he'll have in the future!

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Feeling even worse this morning, so I'm going to rest up this day and hopefully recover. That means I'll have that essay and In My World™ sometime later... hopefully by tomorrow.

Still, I made this illustrations about how an upgrade to S.M.I.T.E. good be advantageous.

Hopefully that will have to be enough to get for funding.

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In the course of this long campaign, you've been asking yourself one question, "Who will IMAO tell me to vote for?" Well, that time has come, and the person you should vote for is President George W. Bush.

Domestically, he has given me tax cuts.

He may have done lots of spending, but I don't know how that affects me so I don't care.

Most importantly, though, he's killed terrorists.

Even stopping the evil Saddam.

The war on terrorism is very important, so he even teamed up with great allies like Tony Blair.

Together they fought terrorists and ninjas.

Bush's opponent, Senator John Kerry, is scared of terrorists and ninjas.

That's why I enthusiastically endorse Bush and say that Kerry is a goober. We need four more years of tax cuts and dead terrorists.

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Over the weekend I went shooting with SarahK. The only other people at the range looked to be a father and his twelve year old son, but it ended up they were both sheriffs, the older teaching the younger quick reloads.

Well, I have pictures and will give you a whole range report later, but why trust pictures when you can see an artist's rendition?

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There still has been no funding for my space laser program! That makes me so mad I could scowl! Well, I'll show yet another application of space-based lasers:

Yes, you too can improve your office morale and productivity through the miracle of targeted laser strikes. Write to your congressman about S.M.I.T.E. now!

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Sitting in my house Saturday in the dark (I had no power and my storm windows blocked out the sun), I was hot and bored as the wind still howled about me. Out of this frustration I then drew my most artistic cartoon yet:

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Going out in the golf course and shouting at the storm has been canceled due to common sense. Instead, here is an artist's renditition of what that would have looked like.

For those in Florida who do not have hats and are not mighty, be safe.

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I mentioned this story about an Iranian woman who was trying to have a court keep her husband to only beating her once a week. The husband protested since he wouldn't be able to keep his wife obeying him if he couldn't beat her at will.

I have a better solution:

Yes, space lasers can even settle domestic disputes. So why isn't funding pouring in?

Pour in the funding! ::shakes fist::

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There are reports that Saddam Hussein is depressed. Aww... po' Saddam. As the cat batter mentioned, electroshock can be used to treat depression though scientists aren’t sure why it works. Just make sure the electrodes are connected to the head and not the genitalia.

But I have a better solution:

Yes, space lasers can cure a murderous dictator of anything. Help support its funding now!

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I know many of you liked the comic I did Sunday. It's become precious to you and part of popular culture. Still, it wasn't what I had envisioned.

Thanks to technology that simply wasn't available two days ago, reader R Strong has digitally enhanced the comic so it’s now more like what I originally envisioned.

New Digitally Enhanced Comic

Having loved the previous one so, I know many of you are not going to like this change, but art is a living thing that should evolve with the times.

Now if only I could make it so Greedo fires first...

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I was inspired by current events to draw my very first political comic, full of subtle symbolism.

Eat your heart out, Cox & Forkum.

UPDATE: Now that I think of it, isn't it quite apropos to use a crude drawing to make fun of crude forgeries?

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I'm waiting for my workplace's verdict on the Hurricane Framces which will be at 1pm. Whatever it is, I booked a room at the Orlando Airport so I can drive up there tonight after I secure my house (who knows when an evacuation order will come out, and then the roads will be packed).

A lot on my mind, so, to lighten the mood, here is a drawing I did of SarahK and I at the canyon.

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Still no funding for the space laser! Am I the only visionary? Well, I would like to tell people that the space laser power can be increased to destroy more than just one human target. Look at this presentation and learn!

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Unbelievably, I still have not gotten any government grants to build my space laser, S.M.I.T.E, even after my original spiel for it, my detailed plans of it, and showing its domestic applications. To further display its usefulness, I now have produced a graphical representation of its non-lethal uses.

Well, I guess its targeting and power output still have to be worked on. More arguments for why I need the funding!

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I still haven't got any funding for my S.M.I.T.E. space laser concept, so I figured I better produce yet another graphic illustration of the uses of S.M.I.T.E. beyond just defeating terrorism.

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Everyone thought my idea for a space laser was great, but I still haven't gotten the government grant money to start the project. Perhaps more convincing will do. Here I have written out a full, scientifical diagram of the S.M.I.T.E. design (it could be more scientifical, but I couldn't find my ruler and just used a pen to draw it):

And here is yet another demonstration of how the laser can be used for happy, peaceful purposes:

I hope that's enough to convince everyone and get me the grant money. I think I'll just supervise the creation because then I don't have to worry about all those hard design questions and just yell at people instead.

I like yelling.

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Rating: 2.7/5 (22 votes cast)

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Things are getting tense, I tells ya. We have to get things done right in Iraq so that it's known around the world that America will always follow through on what we say and that we murder any sons of bitches who f**k with us. And we have to do it before January just in case, 'cause Lord knows John F'n Kerry ain't gonna get it done.

We have work cut out for us, people. I saw a headline yesterday on CNN: "Accused Abu Ghraib contractor: Guards told to keep prisoners awake". Well boo-f**king-hoo. Yeah, isn't that horrible; some scumbags didn't get their nappies all because we're trying to stop terrorism. Here's a little tip for people who want more sleep: DON'T SHOOT AT AMERICANS!

Actually, most who do end up with all the sleep they want, but now I'm sidetracked.

The point - and I swear this time I have one for real - is that if we were a tough and resolved society, we would not have headlines like that. Worrying endlessly about that crap makes us look weak and makes terrorist dumbasses think they can attack us. That just not right.

Remember when Reagan didn't know the mike was on and joked about how "the bombing starts in five minutes!"? Well, I don't, because I was too young, but I sure have heard plenty about it, and the Soviets were actually scared it was going to happen. They thought we were so crazy-loco, we just might do it. That's what we need again.

I don't want this to be a re-hash of Nuke the Moon, but we have problems to fix. Vietnam is run by Commies, Somalia is still war torn, and Castro walks and breathes as we speak - all glaring failures. That means we have a lot of work ahead of us to get the terrorists from wanting to kill us to fearing us like an angry god.

First off, don't take s**t from the goobers. When the Red Cross the other day said we either had to charge Saddam or let him go, the immediate response should have been to knock the Red Cross representatives into a puddle of mud and shout, "You don't tell us what to do! We're America! We have nukes! We do whatever the hell we want, and no one - NO ONE - can stop us! We'll give Saddam a trial consisting of asking, 'Are you Saddam?', and, as soon as he says yes, we'll immediately proceed to execute him in a most painful and lengthy way. And, if you feel like objecting, I'll just warn you not to get in our way when we're already in a kill'n mood!"

Methods like this should soon keep us from having to deal with pansy-ass crap and leave us to deal solely with the real issue: eradicating evil.

We all hear about the evil Iraqis out there who blow up people and then desecrate the corpses. Well, celebration of evil is bad, and we have to put that in their heads. It's kinda like if a dog keeps getting in the trash, put a mouse trap in there. The shock will then teach the dog to stay out of the trash. We can in the same way teach people that terrorist evil equals pain. First, we take some dead terrorists (I'm sure we have plenty to spare), and stage a phony attack making it look like cars of Americans were blown up. When people run over to celebrate, we then set off a real bomb taking out the whole lot of evil Iraqis while at the same time a plane flies over blaring this over a loudspeaker.

Bet they'll be pretty hesitant after that to celebrate what they think to be a terrorist attack.

Of course, more explosive is not going to solve the problem; that just puts us on their level. We need to take things to the next level to really reign supreme.

Imagine this: there's been a terrorists attack and bunch of Islamo-fascists start celebrating. On stage is a revered blind and/or crippled cleric. He starts to give a speech praising Allah and saying how great it is that America has been attacked. Just as he gets the crowd riled, suddenly a bright light comes from the sky bursting the cleric into flames. The crowd runs in terror as if God Himself is raining His wrath down upon them.

That right people; it's time for the space-based laser.

Sure, lasers for shooting down nuclear missiles are in the works, but that's not going to frighten terrorist dumbasses. We need something that can target them personally.

You may be saying that seems like a lot of money to build something that takes out one human target at a time and that nuclear weapons are already more destructive, but then you're missing the beauty of this. With our laser, we can take out any person at anytime (we'll even equip with infrared to see through buildings), and the weapon will be where those retards could never hope of reaching it. Our enemies will quiver every moment of every day, knowing their death could come at anytime if we so please, and there is nothing - NOTHING - they can do. That's why I'll call it the Satellite for Mind-f**king, Intimidating, and Terminating the Enemy - or S.M.I.T.E. for short.

Here are some technical drawings I have of the concept:

I hope that's enough to get the grant money flowing my way. We must do this to have global supremacy. Now, I'm an electrical engineer, but I'll need someone with knowledge about lasers and someone with knowledge about space to get this done.

The future is coming people, and we need our space lasers.

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John Kerry came out with a new misery index to try and convince us we're all miserable, but a higher number on it means less misery. That's wacky.

I decided to make my own index. A higher number means less misery on mine, too, so I call it the "Super Happy Index". Zero is suicidal unhappy, while it will only reach negative numbers if you live in another country. What makes my index different from others is it's an inverse to the misery of our enemies and takes in such factors as whether the president is named Ronald Reagan.

Super Happy Index

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Everyone has been talking about how blowing up Yassin and other things is screwing up the roadmap to peace, and that sounds bad. I then started figuring that maybe the roadmap that is currently too complicated if it gets messed up every time some terrorists catches a missile. Thus, I, Frank J., the super-smart, have made a much simpler roadmap to lead to peace in the Middle East.

IMAO's Roadmap to Peace

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