Hillary Clinton is expected to give a major speech Thursday on Satanism to dispel any rumors about the religion that might be hurting her candidacy.

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One of the better known comedies of a famous playwright shrew is "The Taming of the Hillary."

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If Hillary Clinton is elected president, her first task for the CIA will be locating Smurf Village.

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Hillary's icy demeanor can be traced back to an earlier tragedy when a house fell on her sister.

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Scientist predict that if Hillary were Pinocchio, she'd be in intense pain right now from her nose tip being burnt by Alpha Centauri.

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Hillary Clinton vows to hunt down and destroy any terrorist organization that hasn't donated to her campaign.

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Hillary Clinton wishes the debates would focus less on things she doesn't know like her position on giving driver's licenses to illegal aliens and more on things she does know like the difficulty of setting puppies on fire.

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If even one cough or sneeze in the audience at a Hillary Clinton event is unscripted, she spend the next hour in a back room screaming and tearing chunks of flesh from her staffers.

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Confused by what a soul food restaurant is, when asked for her order at one Hillary replied, "I'll swallow your soul!" She did not leave a tip.

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If America is every attacked by zombies, you can expect Hillary Clinton to be one of the first out fighting them screaming, "Those brains are mine! Mine!"

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Hillary Clinton's touring hospitals to promote her healthcare plan was hampered by the fact that when she is around sick people she can't help but exclaim, "Suffering! Beautiful suffering!"

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Many Democrats are hesitant about the Hillary candidacy because secretly they wonder if America is ready to elect pure evil.

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When Hillary Clinton looks you in the eyes, it's not a sign of respect. It means she's hungry and wants to eat your eyeballs.

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Hillary Clinton is for banning all guns and all bullets... especially silver ones.

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The chest bursting scene from Alien is based on the delivery of the infant Hillary Rodham.

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Hillary Clinton doesn't actually have large thighs. The specially tailored pants suits she wears to conceal her harpy wings just make it look that way.

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Hillary Clinton is doing research into quantum mechanics so she can more perfectly hold two contradictory political positions at the same time.

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Hillary Clinton's main reason for seeking the presidency is she's decided her house could use more furniture.

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Hillary once tried putting on an American flag lapel pin, but it burned her like a crucifix.

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Hillary Clinton's favorite type of evil is chunky style.

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Hillary Clinton always wins "Scariest Costume." She has no idea what Halloween is.

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Hillary Clinton likes Midwesterners so much she even has an affectionate nickname for them: "Sky fairy worshiping nobodies I fly over on my way to important places."

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If Hillary Clinton isn't elected president, she will seek revenge by destroying the world... though probably in a less drawn out and painful way than if she ran it.

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If Hillary Clinton supporters are going door to door in your neighborhood, just mark your doorpost with lamb's blood and they'll not bother you.

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Hillary Clinton has a twin in the mirror universe named Clillarly Hinton. Oddly enough, she is also evil but has a less pronounced goatee.

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Hillary Clinton regularly breaks all ten Commandments even before breakfast. I don't know how she breaks "keep the Sabbath holy" on a Tuesday, but shes finds away.

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Hillary Clinton's parents' last name was actually "Sodom" though they changed it at Ellis Island after immigrating here from Mordor.

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Anthropological evidence shows that ancient man had to deal with a creature similar to Hillary Clinton except that it was ten feet tall, had horns, had a spiked tail, and was only half as scary.

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As a hobby, Hillary writes research papers on what animals can scream in pain and how loud.

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Hillary Clinton can't visit a maternity ward without pressing up against the window to the nursery and exclaiming, "Mmm... Fresh babies!"

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Hillary Clinton has never actually been to Arkansas or any other American state that doesn't touch one of the coastlines.

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Hillary Clinton can't tell the truth about anything without having extremely painful headaches.

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Hillary's favorite pastime is drowning puppies while orphans are forced to watch.

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Hillary doesn't smile -- she bares her teeth.

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Hillary Clinton lures in new voters with her gingerbread house.

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Voldemort always insisted that Hillary be referred to as "She Who Must Not Be Named."

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Hillary Clinton's main inspiration in politics is Skeletor.

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Sensing her evil, dogs bark when in the presence of Hillary Clinton... as do toddlers.

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When people are around Hillary Clinton, they are told to under no circumstances make eye contact with her. It's not because she's an arrogant bitch, though; it's because that will instantly turn you to stone. Also, she's an arrogant bitch.

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One of the biggest complaints of Hillary's campaign staff is the awful stench that comes from the flying monkeys' cages.

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Hillary Clinton is responsible for half the murders in D.C.

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Hilery-cleenton is an old Native American phrase meaning "giant-thighed baby-eater."

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Hillary Clinton uses the empty space where her soul should be to keep her change.

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When a pundit suggested that Hillary is in league with Satan, he was sued for slander... by Satan.

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Hillary Clinton is the only presidential candidate that is mentioned in the Book of Revelation.

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Though Al Gore may have invented the internet, Hillary invented lesbianism.

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The Chinese have stopped funding research into a neutron bomb so they can pour money into something even more potentially destructive: the Hillary Clinton campaign.

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Hillary gets all the daily nutrients she needs from the tears of children.

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The reason Hillary still keeps Bill around is that he's one of her horcruxes.

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Every time you hear Hillary laugh, you lose one year of your life.

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