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If I Were President Archives

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July 14, 2005
If I Were President: Speech on Nominating a Supreme Court Justice
Posted by Frank J. at 12:35 PM

NOTE: This post contains naughty language, up to and including a synonym for a donkey. Yes, if I were President, I would swear more often.


Rating: 2.2/5 (25 votes cast)

Comments (9)
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May 25, 2004
If I Were President: Justification for the War on Terror
Posted by Frank J. at 09:02 AM

I missed the president's speech last night (I was busy kung fu fighting), but here is what I would have said in his place:

There have been some questions about the War on Terror and specifically our fight in Iraq... mainly from the assholes in the press, but there are some others as well. To those who doubt our mission, I can't say this emphatically enough: SCREW YOU!

We have lots of smelly, unshaven men who hate nothing more than the American way of life, and I'm not talking about Michael Moore. These people want to kill us for a multitude of retarded reasons, so we have to kill them first. Pretty goddamn simple if you ask me, yet people want to "understand why they hate us." Frankly, I'm fine with understanding what one ate for lunch from the gaping wound in his stomach. The full understanding can be saved for the anthropologists.

Let me make this clear: When people want to kill you, will blow up men, women, and children and celebrate the deaths by jumping around and yelling like a bunch of deranged howler monkeys, you waste those motherf**kers. There are no ifs or buts about it. And you don't wait for permission from some "international community". France has about as much relevance on the world stage as a tribe of mountain gorillas (and guess which groups bathes more). And we're supposed to wait for China to take a break from executing political prisoners to approve what we're doing?

Here's my policy on that: f**k them!

Most of the countries of the world get the luxury of being a bunch a whiny little bitches because they know that America will actually get the tough s**t done. Frankly, I'm okay with all those pissant countries sitting around and patting themselves on the back while we the American people take care of all the problems in the world. Someone has to be an adult here.

And about angering the Arab world - those people are already a bunch of irrationally angry assholes. Who gives a rat's ass about whether defending ourselves helps their anemic self-esteem. The only thing they need to know is that, as angry as they get as they eat food donated out of the kindness of our Christian hearts, lifting a finger against us is the surest way to commit mass suicide. Our goal should not be to be liked, it should be to be respected... or feared. Same difference.

So on to Iraq. Saddam was a madman in charge of an entire country. He murdered, he tortured, and, as long as we left him alone, he was free to plot more mayhem. So we took the bitch out; simple as that. You may say that there are plenty of other evil dictators out there, and it's a good point; we'll get to them later. But the journey of a thousand miles starts with dragging one disheveled, former dictator out of a hole in the ground. But, when I have my way - and I will because I'm bigger than you - all dictators will eventually be fertilizer or the bitch of some guy named Bubba. It should be our goal to make all countries productive, capitalistic democracies, because those guys won't attack us whether or not they're smart enough to kiss our feet.

So Iraq is just a start, and every despot out there better start packing if he knows what's good for him and every psychotic terrorist better renew his life insurance. Some may say that for every evil terrorist we kill, we create another bin Laden. Well, guess what; we can make bullets and cruise missiles even faster.

Still, there are going to be many Americans against our war in Iraq and other places. If you are one of them, then please write out your reasoned arguments in a letter, put it into a an envelope, address it to "1600 Pennsylvania Avenue", put a stamp on it, and then SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!

Thank you and God bless.

Rating: 2.8/5 (34 votes cast)

Comments (41)
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January 23, 2004
If I Were President: The State of the Union Speech
Posted by Frank J. at 10:45 AM

I don't want to criticize Bush's speech, as it was in HD, but I would have done things differently. Here would be my speech as president:

American people, I just want to tell you that the State of the Union is strong, yo. And why? Because I'm president, mo'fo's!

There were people how there who wanted to harm us. They dead! There are still more people out there who want to do us harm. They dead soon too! We're going to get those sons of bitches and cut their f__k'n heads off. And they ain't going to run around like chickens; no, they're just going to lie there and bleed... bleed where their head was!

Some people say all this violence has messed up our foreign policy... those people are jackasses! I say that we've taught all the countries out there the most important lesson: You don't f--k with America! People know now to stay away from us because we crazy; we mess them up. The American people are safe because the foreign people are dead!

We need things good at home too, yo. That's why I say we cut taxes. We cut them crazy! Some here in Congress don't want to cut taxes... then I cut you!

(pull out switchblade)

I do it, too! Everyone know that Paco is a man of his words. I say I cut you, then you be cut!

(put away switchblade)

We also reduce spending too. First way we do it is cut welfare in a program called, "Hey, Lazy, You Get Job Now!". Also, we reduce Social Security in a program called, "Hey, Old People, Stop Being So Old and Get Job Now!". I also say we cut spending for national parks because I never used them. F__k national parks; we need more condos.

Some may be against these spending cuts... I kill you!

(pull out .45)

That's right! I'm loco! I blow your f__k'n brains out! Then I pardon myself. There's nothing you can do, mo'fo's.

What? You think you can impeach me? Then I kill you all!

(pull out second .45)

You start impeachment hearing, I'll bust right into the Capitol and splatter you all over the walls! That's right! You my bitches; you do as I say!

That's my speech; now you give me standing ovation.

(fire at their feet until they all stand and clap)

That's right; you clap now... clap like the little monkeys you are.

(put away .45's)

I'm going now because I want a beer. Just one warning, though: if in the Democratic response they say bad things about me...

(pull out switchblade again)


Thank you and God bless.

(exit room by jetpack while laughing maniacally)

Now there's a speech that would look great on HDTV.

Rating: 2.6/5 (38 votes cast)

Comments (35)
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July 22, 2003
If I Were President: Address to the Democrats on the Subject of the Veracity of Statements from the State of the Union
Posted by Frank J. at 08:20 AM

Sixteen f**king words, and I swear to God I'll beat anyone like a rented mule who mentions it again. You Democrats are so goddamn useless I can't believe it. We're trying to fight terrorists over here, and you s**ts are just blindly groping for something to whine about. We're trying to do serious work over here, and all you are is in the way. So, know what? Get the hell out. Yeah, that right, flee to Canada or France or something, you weenies. I know America is supposed to be open to all people, but I don't think the founding father ever envisioned their country having this many whiny bitches.

We defeat an evil dictator, free oppressed people, and make the world a safer place, and your response is to focus on one statement that could or could not be true and had nothing to do with the vote to war that had happened months earlier. My God, are you people useless. And you might actually have Howard Dean as you candidate against me, you f**king nutjobs.

Know what? In the middle of planning my next move to make the word safer, I'm also going to shove a new tax cut down your throats called the "Only For the Super Rich" tax cut, which, for once, will be just a tax cut only for the rich like you always bitch about. And I'm just going to do it to because you impotent f**ks can't stop me. And I'm going to keep doing things like that until you weasels finally just pack up and leave. There are terrorists out there - bad people breathing air like you and me - and it's a disgrace and I want to end it. But it's pretty damn hard when I have to deal with all this piddling crap from you jackasses. For pete's sake, why don't you just go the extra mile and join al Qaeda, for as much use as you are to our nationís security. Hell, you could bog them down; you might actually be finally doing the country a service.

But no, you're going to stay here and gripe about sixteen words because that is all the f**k you partisan s**ts have. Well, guess what? I got another sixteen words for you: F**k you and the horses you rode in on, you c**ksucking, mother f**king pieces of s**t.

Thank you, and God bless.

Rating: 2.2/5 (26 votes cast)

Comments (45)
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May 20, 2003
If I Were President: Open Address to Whiny Countries of Interest
Posted by Frank J. at 08:39 AM

I know they're are many people out there out there who do not think much of America, many who think we are in fact a terrible, evil nation. I just want to make one thing clear to those people: we don't give a rat's ass.

Why should we listen to you? Your countries are all small and pathetic, and that's not our fault, that's yours. It not like we set out to be so much more rich and powerful than other countries, it's just we actually went the freedom and the capitalism route, the one that just "too scary" for others to try. And now we're the big dog - partially because of our own success and partially because all other nations are a bunch of dorks.

And we never said, "Hey let's be a superpower!" It was never our decision that all other countries be whiny and pathetic, but that's the cards we were dealt. Just feel luckily we took the mantle, fighting back evil and trying our best to keep the world in some order. Think if we disappeared and everything was left up to Europe, for God's sake. It would just be a matter of months until the world was nothing but a bunch of smoldering craters.

Still, it's much easier for everyone to hate us rather than dwell on their own incompetence, but don't think we're going to go out of our way to be liked. We'll give foreign aid as always, because, well, we're just too nice of guys to just watch everyone starve. And you people can spout off all your hatred of America while you eat the food we donated to you, and we'll still be back to feed you again. There is just one thing you have to keep in mind, though: if you ever act on that hatred and try to harm us, your worst visions of hell will pale in comparison to vengeance we will wreak upon you.

Thank you, and God bless.

Rating: 2.6/5 (26 votes cast)

Comments (20)
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April 29, 2003
If I Were President: "Boo Hoo... My Speech is Being Supressed"
Posted by Frank J. at 08:24 AM

I know everyone and their mother has commented on this topic, but I just couldn't help putting my own two cents in because it pissed me off so much. I'm not as funny when I'm angry, but take what you get. So here is me as President, giving an address to the American people.

I know there have been a number of complaints about suppression of speech here in America. Those in opposition to the war think the harsh criticism they've received has been stifling their dissent. I have just one thing to say to this:

Shut up you whiny little bitches!

I swear to God almighty, that if I see even one of you come and complain to my face like that, I will shake you like a British nanny until He finally deems appropriate to bestow you an ounce of sense.

"Whaa! People say mean things about me. It's like we don't have any freedom anymore."

I simply lack the skill with prose to express how much you idiots disgust me. There are people in other countries who risk their own lives to speak out against oppression, and you pieces of excrement are whining about how people are criticizing you for that diarrhea of the mouth you think is political speak. Well, I can think of any better expression of freedom of speech than people making life hell for you complete and utter nitwits, either by constantly declaring loudly what jackasses you people are or boycotting whatever you are involved with.

"But that's suppressing the debate," you whine. Hey, just like you wouldn't want some KKK member's opinion on the subject of race relations, we don't need the input of assclown pacifists on the debate of foreign affairs. Your opinions are so idiotic, they erode the debate, not add to it. We are all dumber for having listened to you, and democracy is better for having you shouted down.

If some of you still don't get the point, then, next time I hear one of you retards complain about your "speech being oppressed," I'll send some thugs to murder your family, burn down your house, and then drag you out in the street cut out your tongue. Then tell me (or, I guess, sign to me) whether you can't tell the difference between that actual suppression of speech and what you thought was oppression before.

One last note: if you're a hot chick, and you're idea of fighting back is to pose naked, I'm perfectly fine with that. Everyone else, shut up for the sake of the country's sanity.

Thank you and God bless.

Rating: 2.5/5 (25 votes cast)

Comments (33)
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