Giving money to Frank J. makes you happy!
Buy funniest book ever!
IMAO Merchandise and Newsletter
Cool shirts, mugs, stickers, and what-not!
Popular CategoriesFred Thompson Facts
John Edwards Fabulous Facts
Know Thy Enemy
Frank the Artist
In My World
Other ContentOde to Violence
IMAO Audio Bits
Read the Essay
Own the Shirt
Testimonials"All quotes attributed to me on IMAO are made up... including this one."
"Unfunny treasonous ronin!"
"You, sir, are a natural born killer."
"You'll never get my job! Never!!!"
"In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. And He did despair, for in His omniscience, He did know that His creations had but three-fifths of the splendor of that which would be IMAO."
-No One of Consequence
"A blogger with a sense of humor."
-Some Woman on MSNBC
BlogrollAce of Spades HQ
The Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler
The Daily Gut (with Jim Treacher!)
Dave in Texas
Eject! Eject! Eject!
La Shawn Barber's Corner
Right Wing News
The Flying Space Monkey Chronicles
Right Wing Duck
This Blog Is Full of Crap
Fred Thompson Links
Blogs for Fred
Fred Thompson Facts
July 14, 2005
If I Were President: Speech on Nominating a Supreme Court Justice
Posted by Frank J. at 12:35 PM
NOTE: This post contains naughty language, up to and including a synonym for a donkey. Yes, if I were President, I would swear more often.
Liberals and the American People, I come before you today to explain what I am seeking in a new Supreme Court Justice. Some think there needs to be special qualifications to be a member of the Supreme Court, but I would like to remind you of something:
THE CONSTITUTION IS ONLY LIKE THREE FRICK'N PAGES LONG!
Theoretically, anyone with a sixth-grade level of reading comprehension should be able to check if something is allowed by the Constitution. Instead we have all this precedent crap and who knows what else to complicate the hell out of what should be a simple thing. What's really needed here? Years and years of a legal education or just an hour reading the actual document in question here?
Some have asked if there will be litmus test based on the Roe v. Wade decision.
OF COURSE THERE WILL BE!
And it hasn't nothing to do with abortion, either. It's just that anyone who thinks that Roe v. Wade is a sane Supreme Court decision should not only not be a Supreme Court Justice, he should not be a Supreme Court janitor. I mean, come on; the majority opinion spelled out things based on trimesters! Now, simple question: Is that something out of the Constitution or something pulled out of one's ass? And should judgments on law be based on the Constitution or what comes out of one's ass?
I think we all know the answer to that.
Anyhoo, appointing a Justice is still an important thing, because it is a lifetime appointment. Then again, I can always kill them and pardon myself - yet another check and balance. And it's an option I may use if some of the more choice idiots in the Supreme Court don't decide to retire.
And that's all I had to say about that. God bless.
May 25, 2004
If I Were President: Justification for the War on Terror
Posted by Frank J. at 09:02 AM
I missed the president's speech last night (I was busy kung fu fighting), but here is what I would have said in his place:
There have been some questions about the War on Terror and specifically our fight in Iraq... mainly from the assholes in the press, but there are some others as well. To those who doubt our mission, I can't say this emphatically enough: SCREW YOU!
We have lots of smelly, unshaven men who hate nothing more than the American way of life, and I'm not talking about Michael Moore. These people want to kill us for a multitude of retarded reasons, so we have to kill them first. Pretty goddamn simple if you ask me, yet people want to "understand why they hate us." Frankly, I'm fine with understanding what one ate for lunch from the gaping wound in his stomach. The full understanding can be saved for the anthropologists.
Let me make this clear: When people want to kill you, will blow up men, women, and children and celebrate the deaths by jumping around and yelling like a bunch of deranged howler monkeys, you waste those motherf**kers. There are no ifs or buts about it. And you don't wait for permission from some "international community". France has about as much relevance on the world stage as a tribe of mountain gorillas (and guess which groups bathes more). And we're supposed to wait for China to take a break from executing political prisoners to approve what we're doing?
Here's my policy on that: f**k them!
Most of the countries of the world get the luxury of being a bunch a whiny little bitches because they know that America will actually get the tough s**t done. Frankly, I'm okay with all those pissant countries sitting around and patting themselves on the back while we the American people take care of all the problems in the world. Someone has to be an adult here.
And about angering the Arab world - those people are already a bunch of irrationally angry assholes. Who gives a rat's ass about whether defending ourselves helps their anemic self-esteem. The only thing they need to know is that, as angry as they get as they eat food donated out of the kindness of our Christian hearts, lifting a finger against us is the surest way to commit mass suicide. Our goal should not be to be liked, it should be to be respected... or feared. Same difference.
So on to Iraq. Saddam was a madman in charge of an entire country. He murdered, he tortured, and, as long as we left him alone, he was free to plot more mayhem. So we took the bitch out; simple as that. You may say that there are plenty of other evil dictators out there, and it's a good point; we'll get to them later. But the journey of a thousand miles starts with dragging one disheveled, former dictator out of a hole in the ground. But, when I have my way - and I will because I'm bigger than you - all dictators will eventually be fertilizer or the bitch of some guy named Bubba. It should be our goal to make all countries productive, capitalistic democracies, because those guys won't attack us whether or not they're smart enough to kiss our feet.
So Iraq is just a start, and every despot out there better start packing if he knows what's good for him and every psychotic terrorist better renew his life insurance. Some may say that for every evil terrorist we kill, we create another bin Laden. Well, guess what; we can make bullets and cruise missiles even faster.
Still, there are going to be many Americans against our war in Iraq and other places. If you are one of them, then please write out your reasoned arguments in a letter, put it into a an envelope, address it to "1600 Pennsylvania Avenue", put a stamp on it, and then SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!
Thank you and God bless.
January 23, 2004
If I Were President: The State of the Union Speech
Posted by Frank J. at 10:45 AM
I don't want to criticize Bush's speech, as it was in HD, but I would have done things differently. Here would be my speech as president:
American people, I just want to tell you that the State of the Union is strong, yo. And why? Because I'm president, mo'fo's!
Now there's a speech that would look great on HDTV.
July 22, 2003
If I Were President: Address to the Democrats on the Subject of the Veracity of Statements from the State of the Union
Posted by Frank J. at 08:20 AM
Sixteen f**king words, and I swear to God I'll beat anyone like a rented mule who mentions it again. You Democrats are so goddamn useless I can't believe it. We're trying to fight terrorists over here, and you s**ts are just blindly groping for something to whine about. We're trying to do serious work over here, and all you are is in the way. So, know what? Get the hell out. Yeah, that right, flee to Canada or France or something, you weenies. I know America is supposed to be open to all people, but I don't think the founding father ever envisioned their country having this many whiny bitches.
We defeat an evil dictator, free oppressed people, and make the world a safer place, and your response is to focus on one statement that could or could not be true and had nothing to do with the vote to war that had happened months earlier. My God, are you people useless. And you might actually have Howard Dean as you candidate against me, you f**king nutjobs.
Know what? In the middle of planning my next move to make the word safer, I'm also going to shove a new tax cut down your throats called the "Only For the Super Rich" tax cut, which, for once, will be just a tax cut only for the rich like you always bitch about. And I'm just going to do it to because you impotent f**ks can't stop me. And I'm going to keep doing things like that until you weasels finally just pack up and leave. There are terrorists out there - bad people breathing air like you and me - and it's a disgrace and I want to end it. But it's pretty damn hard when I have to deal with all this piddling crap from you jackasses. For pete's sake, why don't you just go the extra mile and join al Qaeda, for as much use as you are to our nationís security. Hell, you could bog them down; you might actually be finally doing the country a service.
But no, you're going to stay here and gripe about sixteen words because that is all the f**k you partisan s**ts have. Well, guess what? I got another sixteen words for you: F**k you and the horses you rode in on, you c**ksucking, mother f**king pieces of s**t.
Thank you, and God bless.
May 20, 2003
If I Were President: Open Address to Whiny Countries of Interest
Posted by Frank J. at 08:39 AM
I know they're are many people out there out there who do not think much of America, many who think we are in fact a terrible, evil nation. I just want to make one thing clear to those people: we don't give a rat's ass.
Why should we listen to you? Your countries are all small and pathetic, and that's not our fault, that's yours. It not like we set out to be so much more rich and powerful than other countries, it's just we actually went the freedom and the capitalism route, the one that just "too scary" for others to try. And now we're the big dog - partially because of our own success and partially because all other nations are a bunch of dorks.
And we never said, "Hey let's be a superpower!" It was never our decision that all other countries be whiny and pathetic, but that's the cards we were dealt. Just feel luckily we took the mantle, fighting back evil and trying our best to keep the world in some order. Think if we disappeared and everything was left up to Europe, for God's sake. It would just be a matter of months until the world was nothing but a bunch of smoldering craters.
Still, it's much easier for everyone to hate us rather than dwell on their own incompetence, but don't think we're going to go out of our way to be liked. We'll give foreign aid as always, because, well, we're just too nice of guys to just watch everyone starve. And you people can spout off all your hatred of America while you eat the food we donated to you, and we'll still be back to feed you again. There is just one thing you have to keep in mind, though: if you ever act on that hatred and try to harm us, your worst visions of hell will pale in comparison to vengeance we will wreak upon you.
Thank you, and God bless.
April 29, 2003
If I Were President: "Boo Hoo... My Speech is Being Supressed"
Posted by Frank J. at 08:24 AM
I know everyone and their mother has commented on this topic, but I just couldn't help putting my own two cents in because it pissed me off so much. I'm not as funny when I'm angry, but take what you get. So here is me as President, giving an address to the American people.
I know there have been a number of complaints about suppression of speech here in America. Those in opposition to the war think the harsh criticism they've received has been stifling their dissent. I have just one thing to say to this:
Shut up you whiny little bitches!
I swear to God almighty, that if I see even one of you come and complain to my face like that, I will shake you like a British nanny until He finally deems appropriate to bestow you an ounce of sense.
"Whaa! People say mean things about me. It's like we don't have any freedom anymore."
I simply lack the skill with prose to express how much you idiots disgust me. There are people in other countries who risk their own lives to speak out against oppression, and you pieces of excrement are whining about how people are criticizing you for that diarrhea of the mouth you think is political speak. Well, I can think of any better expression of freedom of speech than people making life hell for you complete and utter nitwits, either by constantly declaring loudly what jackasses you people are or boycotting whatever you are involved with.
"But that's suppressing the debate," you whine. Hey, just like you wouldn't want some KKK member's opinion on the subject of race relations, we don't need the input of assclown pacifists on the debate of foreign affairs. Your opinions are so idiotic, they erode the debate, not add to it. We are all dumber for having listened to you, and democracy is better for having you shouted down.
If some of you still don't get the point, then, next time I hear one of you retards complain about your "speech being oppressed," I'll send some thugs to murder your family, burn down your house, and then drag you out in the street cut out your tongue. Then tell me (or, I guess, sign to me) whether you can't tell the difference between that actual suppression of speech and what you thought was oppression before.
One last note: if you're a hot chick, and you're idea of fighting back is to pose naked, I'm perfectly fine with that. Everyone else, shut up for the sake of the country's sanity.
Thank you and God bless.
Buy IMAO T-Shirts
The IMAO T-Shirt Babe
(winning picture) YOU BUY NEW SHIRTS NOW!!!
Best of IMAO 2002
Best of IMAO 2006
Frank on Guns
Frank Reads the Bible
Frank the Artist
Fred Thompson Facts
Hellbender Take Two
Hillary Clinton Terrible Truths
I Hate Frank
If I Were President
IMAO for the Non-Deaf
IMAO Think Tank
In My World
In My World - Fan Fiction
John Edwards Fabulous Facts
Know Thy Enemy
Mitt Romney Ads
Precision Guided Humor Assignments
Ron Paul, Ron Paul, Ron Paul
Ronin Thought of the Day
SarahK's TV stuff
Scary Evil Monkey
Songs & Poems
State of the Frank Report
Totally True Tidbits
WEsistance Is Facile
Why Me Laugh?
By MonthDecember 2008