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February 14, 2006
IMAO Demands MORE Global Warming!!
Posted by RightWingDuck at 11:38 AM

If you're like me, you're probably getting fed up with religious extremists. That's why I took great joy in hearing that Hollywood bought the rights to Al Gores new documentary “An Inconvenient Truth.” For those of you who don’t know, Al Gore was involved in a movie about global warming. I haven’t seen it but assume it involves the liberal basics: American blame, corporate greed, and a gay love story.

Before I go on, let me be clear on something: I have a high tolerance for religious values – I really do. But it seems like every day one of these whack jobs stops me to share "the good news" that the "end is coming soon" and we have to be "ready" for the "glorious day."

Of course, "that glorious day" refers to the final day of the Bush Administration. After that, they tell us, we can start to address the issues of global warming.

But religious wackos like Gore really get on my nerves. It seems like we keep seeing clips of Al Gore screaming stuff like, “Global Warming is going to kill us”, or “the U.S. Hates Arabs” or “Where’s My Ketchup?!” With the sale of this movie to Hollywood, now maybe Al's influence can go beyond affecting the tides.

This must be stopped! We could do something about Gore and these religious extremists if only we had a greater separation of church and state. Is there nothing we can do? Why must these myopic people force their views on us? Why can't they accept that the theory of Darwin isn't some sort of fairy tale involving half truths, huge gaps in evidence, and wishful denial of a deity?

If they would accept it, then we could move and and enjoy a quiet and peaceful evolutionary process. That is why today I call on IMAO readers to join me in a brand new movement - the kind you have never ever seen before.

Today, I call on us to demand MORE global warming.

I know this may not be a popular request. If the polar ice caps melt and the world ocean levels rise, this could wipe out countless species. If the volcanoes rage out of control we could end up with a world full of muddy ash. And let’s not forget the freezing cold we’re undergoing. There’s nothing worse that being flooded, freezing, and hot. But it would be wrong to stop global warming. Ladies, gentlemen, and undecided - we must allow global warming to happen. It is the only scientifically logical choice. Let me explain.

A few hours before the flood, the IMAO crew was in New Orleans. We were taking a tour, while Lair was off by the levees muttering something about a Zionist conspiracy. I don't know, I wasn't paying attention. As the flood waters came, and we tried to get out, I remember telling rescue workers to ignore all those people stranded on rooftops and not to save them. Yet, those "religious wackos" were so focused on saving "precious life" that they wouldn't let the Darwinian evolutionary process take place.

When will this fascism end?

I remember Frank and I taking bets. How long before these stranded roof dwellers would adapt to the environment? What would happen? Would they develop the ability to drink toxic water? Would their digestive systems mutate to be able to eat roof shingles? Gills? Bright orange skin allowing them to be seen from far away?

Sadly, the fascist extremists and the respect for life won out, and we were left to wonder what would have happened to these roof dwellers, and why Lair kept yelling, "I did it. I did it!"

Well - no more. NO MORE!! If we teach this evolutionary process and believe in it, then it is only fair that we let it go forward - none of this "preserve Mother Earth" crap. It's time to Let Go and Let Evolution.

Want to help? I thought you would.

Here are the things that you, as an every day evolving species, can do to accelerate global warming and allow change to happen!

Screw the trees. There are acres and acres of forests out there that do nothing but impede the growth of future Wal-Marts. This is unacceptable. Remember, forests are a good place for all those Bambi and Thumper types to gather and create sinister plots. Besides, Bambi and Thumper can adapt.

Drive everywhere. Sometimes, I call my neighbor and ask for a ride - to the end of my driveway. Helpful hint: hard driving can generate more pollution. I tend to Burn Rubber from stoplight to stoplight. This not only makes me look cool - but should I get lost - I can find my way back by following the tire marks.

Become a celebrity. Take Barbra Streisand for example: her many mansions take a ton of energy to power and heat. If you were to stand on her front porch, you could look up at the sky and practically see the hole in the ozone layer getting bigger. Then you'd have to run, because your survival instinct would kick in saying, "It's Barbra - she's going to eat me."

I'm still investigating other potential steps such as having the US sign the Kyoto Agreements. I strongly suspect that joining the Kyoto is as effective as Al Gore's gym membership. This, however, will require some research - so you'll have to wait for that as a separate post.

We hope you join our cause.

Rating: 3.0/5 (23 votes cast)

Comments (18)
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