"All right, which one of you jokers said 'MOUSE!'?"

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Apparently my Fabulous Facts so humiliated the little pillow-biter that he quit the race and ran home crying to his mommy.

And yet I still have a big pile of Facts left.

Seems kinda pointless to keep kicking the man in his withered jubblies every day when he's not in the race any more, so I'll just do one more big Riverdance on his cowering form and call it a day.

I do, however, reserve the right to resurrect this feature in the horribly unlikely event that he gets the nod for VP.

Note for those who've suggested an Obama daily feature - it's not ripe for happening yet. The man simply doesn't have a mockable stereotype, since he's just another black socialist, albeit a particularly clean and articulate one. Hillary's got pure evil. What's Barack got?

If he develops a personality between now and the convention - or at least gets a humiliating YouTube video posted about him - I may be able to get something going.

Meanwhile, let's say good-bye in style to Ann Coulter's favorite faggot:

John Edwards looks forward to Super Bowl Sunday every year, because all those folks at home watching the game means they're not at the mall getting in the way of his shoe shopping.

And here's me emptying my Big Bucket O' Fabulous Facts:

* The truth in John Edwards's secret heart is that he would gladly see EVERYONE in America living in poverty if it could somehow cause the development of a painless leg hair removal process.

* John Edwards doesn't understand how people could accidentally grab two coffee filters. How could they lift them both?

* John Edwards Pet Peeve #53 - "waterproof" mascara that runs all over the pillow he's biting.

* In John Edwards's experience, ALL caps are childproof.

* John Edwards Pet Peeve #61 - getting poked by his underwire.

* John Edwards always takes it personally and starts crying when he sees a "no fat chicks" bumper sticker.

* John Edwards wonders - how DO people manage to wrap things in aluminum foil?

* Does anyone else think it odd that if you ask John Edwards for advice about jock itch, he'll nod & say "Vagisil"?

* John Edwards is physically incapable of passing a women's magazine rack without jealously hissing "siliconed hussy!".

* Although usually a model of self-control, John Edwards will still occasionally slip and wink at a hot guy cruising by in a convertible.

* John Edwards's saddest day wasn't November 2, 2004, it was the day he realized that he would never be the guest of honor at a baby shower.

* John Edwards Pet Peeve #75 - returning his airplane seat to the upright & locked position and getting flung over the seat in front of him in the process.

* John Edwards puts the "man" in "manicure".

* Although not famous for his pugilistic skills, John Edwards did once manage to bruise a banana while bloodying only two knuckles.

* John Edwards hates the look of his 5 o'clock shadow, but some days your hectic campaign schedule only gives you the chance to shave your legs first thing in the morning.

* At parties, John Edwards always whips out his wallet and starts showing off pictures of his hair dryers.

* America's Funniest Home Video - John Edwards trying to pick anchovies off his pizza and being soundly defeated by the superior might of the cheese.

Just kidding. THIS will always be America's Funniest Home Video.

So long, John, and thanks for all the comedy gold.

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That sound... as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced... just John Edwards chipping his his nail polish two hours after a manicure.

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John Edwards Pet Peeve #47 - burning his mouth on vichyssoise.

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Say what you will about John Edwards, but at least his "getting out of the limo upskirt shots" ALWAYS show him wearing panties.

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John Edwards is jealous of Jane Fonda's career for many reasons, but mostly because it included John Edwards's lifelong dream of kissing Ted Turner's tickly little moustache.

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For John Edwards, dropping the soap in the shower isn't a tragedy, it's a greeting.

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Easiest job in the world: being John Edwards's athletic supporter.

Hardest job in the world: being his Wonderbra.

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John Edwards knows that "sucking a golf ball through a garden hose" isn't a metaphor, it's a talent.

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For John Edwards, the worst part about dandruff isn't the embarrassing flakes, it's the bruises where they land on his shoulders.

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Regular contributor Chris sent me a picture, and he and I are both convinced there's a John Edwards joke in there somewhere, but neither one of us can find it:

If you think you've found it, leave it in the comments.

If you haven't found it, visit the comments and leave High Praise! for the people who you think have.

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John Edwards doesn't understand why people complain about getting wonderful, wonderful wedgies.

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John Edwards loves that the Swiffer Duster actually picks up the dust instead of just pushing it around, but it makes the darn thing so heavy!

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John Edwards always brings a supply of fresh, transfusable blood on the campaign trail, because he knows that no one ever plans on getting a paper cut.

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John Edwards Pet Peeve #22 - escalators when he's wearing spiked heels.

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John Edwards pet peeve #16 - passing a store window that's only 30% reflective.

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History's greatest feats of strength:

King Arthur - Excalibur from a stone.
John Edwards - Napkin from a dispenser.

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After embarrassing himself by pushing on a door marked "pull", John Edwards will embarrass himself further by pulling and getting the same result.

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John Edwards always has the football game on, but only really watches it when the offensive line is bent over waiting for the snap.

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With John Edwards, there are no bad haircuts - only hairstylists who are marked for death.

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Although not a pack rat by nature, John Edwards just can't talk himself into throwing out his Jane Fonda workout video & leg warmers.

Bonus Fact from Chris:
John Edwards has a bitch bell.
[Caution: Once viewed, this video can't be un-seen. Not responsible for loss of sleep, composure, or sanity.]

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Don't get me wrong, I don't have anything against John Edwards personally, but that look of sublime ecstasy he gets on his face after being spritzed while walking by a department store perfume counter is just a little bit creepy, doncha think?

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Most people are surprised to learn that John Edwards has a tattoo, but take a good look at his eyeliner sometime.

Bonus Fact from Silicon Valley Jim:
Power tools scare John Edwards. Actually, any tool scares John Edwards, even his manicurist's nail file.

Bonus Fact Video from Jim of 24thState.com (which actually predates the Hawkins video, but I've been too lazy to post this):

Illustrated Bonus Fact from Dick of Suicide Help Desk's comment (#3) about John Edwards's favorite Monty Python sketch:

Illustrated Bonus Fact from exhelodrvr (#4) about John Edwards's least favorite Monty Python sketch:

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John Edwards believes in the conspiracy theory that Big Hairspray is paying millions to keep the uncloggable spray nozzle off the market.

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The most annoying thing about going out drinking with John Edwards? Having to listen to his incessant ranting about how EVERY pad should have wings.

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John Edwards's Pet Peeve #7: being sick and - after searching the mansion high and low - only being able to find the oral thermometer.

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John Edwards is incapable of entering a flower shop without gazing around and whispering "I'm prettier than all of you".

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A shoe salesman once told John Edwards "those size 5 pumps are too small, let's try a size 6". That size 6 is STILL lodged in the guy's colon.

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John Edwards wishes someone would hurry up and invent Post-It-Note-strength velcro.

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In an attempt to help out John Edwards, here are facts about John Edwards put to music made by John Hawkins. Edwards is definitely IMAO's choice in the Democratic race, so we hope he slaps the competition in Iowa!

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John Edwards always does crossword puzzles in ink, although, oddly, all his answers are "my perfect hair".

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John Edwards can't walk through a clothing store without feeling a cramp of bitter envy while passing by a "size 3" rack.

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John Edward's life didn't really begin until after cell phones started coming with automatic voice dialing - no more bruised fingertips!

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John Edwards could never make it through an entire church service if Elizabeth didn't bring along a little bag of Cheerios for him to munch on.

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John Edwards's Pet Peeve #12 - itchy post-Brazilian-wax pubie stubble.

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John Edwards's least favorite part of the campaign trail? Bone-crushing handshakes from toddlers.

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When confronted with a full-sized Kraft Jet-Puffed marshmallow, John Edwards long ago resigned himself to having to break out the electric carving knife.

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Every time he watches Rudolph the Red-Nose Reindeer, John Edwards thinks, "No, Clarice, that scruffy studmuffin Yukon Cornelius is the one who's 'cute'."

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Nothing makes John Edwards laugh harder than procotologist jokes with the punchline "that's not my finger", since it actually happens to him every visit.

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John Edwards new universal health care program will cover mental health treatments which are currently priced out of reach of working families, such as Acute Retail Therapy, (aka Gap Spending Sprees).

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* "We Are Family", performed by Sister Sledge
* "Over the Rainbow", performed by Judy Garland
* "I'm Coming Out", performed by Diana Ross
* "My Funny Valentine", performed by Frank Sinatra
* "YMCA", performed by Village People
* "Dancing Queen", performed by ABBA
* "MacArthur Park", performed by Donna Summer
* "I Will Survive", performed by Gloria Gaynor
* "It's Raining Men", performed by The Weather Girls
* "You Spin Me Round (Like a Record)", performed by Dead or Alive
* "Karma Chameleon", performed by Culture Club
* "Relax", performed by Frankie Goes to Hollywood

Are these

A) Gay anthems?
B) Hot dance tunes?
C) Cassingles that John Edwards has played until the tape snapped?

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Things John Edwards candidacy brings to the table:

1) A firm but flexible foreign policy

2) Real tax fairness for working families

3) Fashion sense, girlfriend!

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John Edwards would like to see a more tolerant and open-minded America. One where people will be judged by the content of their character and not whether they wear white shoes after Labor Day like degenerate inbreds.

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John Edwards loves playing tennis. He feels so deliciously naughty when his skirt flies up during his serves.

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John Edwards is still waiting for someone to invent a machine that will remove peanut skins so that his fingertips won't get cut to ribbons any more.

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In nature, the crocodile promises the Egyptian Plover (or crocodile bird) that it won't be eaten as long as it does a good job of picking rotting food out of its teeth.

In politics, John Edwards promises working families that his policies will not harm them as long as they vote for him.

Crocodile '08
Trust Matters

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John Edwards's MySpace gravatar:

[Hat tip to my blogless brother Tom for the image. See also South Park Character Creator]

Bonus Fact from Jim
John Edwards knows his limits:

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Rather than by color, John Edwards arranges his tie collection by "glamtasticness".

Bonus Fact from Silicon Valley Jim
If John Edwards is elected President, he will have the White House moved to the Castro district of San Francisco, giving a whole new meaning to the phrase "seat of government."

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Things John Edwards is hopelessly devoted to:

1) The Democratic Party
2) His wife, Elizabeth
3) The "Grease" soundtrack.

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When John Edwards was in kindergarten, he wanted to be either a cowboy or Superman, proving that he's always been an indecisive waffler on the question of "leather or tights?".

[collaborative hat tip: Pork & Beans]

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30 years ago, John Edwards discovered the wonders of Crisco, and now he won't use anything else.

For his Mom's pecan pie recipe.

What did you THINK I was talking about?

Bonus Facts from Jim:
John Edwards knows what it's like to rough it. One time at band camp, he forgot his favorite brush and was stuck using his backup one for two weeks.

It is a well-known myth that Eskimos have dozens of words for "snow". It is a little-known fact that John Edwards has dozens of words for "pedicure".

Bonus Facts from Silicon Valley Jim:
John Edwards is envious of two things about George W. Bush:

1. He's President of the United States
2. He can twist the lids off jars by himself.

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Slurred speech, falling off his barstool, can't walk a straight line... looks like John Edwards should've said "no" to that third Shirley Temple.

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There's now an embarrassing video featuring John Edwards floating around the internet. In several scenes you can CLEARLY see John not wearing any hairspray.

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John Edwards's aerobic workout consists of tying BOTH his shoelaces.

He's worked himself up to the point now where he can do it without a water break.

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Although John has long been a "friend of Dorothy", he actually prefers his men more like the Scarecrow - brainless and acrobatically flexible.

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John Edwards wonders why they're called "push pins" instead of "shove with all your might until you're completely drenched in sweat pins".

Bonus Facts from Chris:
John Edwards never had girlfriends... just 'fag hags'

John Edwards has a special device that lowers oxygen levels in his house to keep from getting the bends.

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Thanks to his mother's constant guilt trips, John Edwards uses every last drop of conditioner in the bottle because "there are millions of children with frizzy hair in India".

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John Edwards always keeps a pitcher of water handy to extinguish the spicy burn after a bite of celery.

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World's most lopsided defeats:
1) Napoleon at Waterloo
2) John Edwards at the office pencil sharpener.

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John Edwards plan to fight hunger in America? "Let them eat cake".

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John Edwards habitually winces after turning on a light. Those photons HURT!

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To help America's working families, John Edwards vows to do something about the outrageous profits being raked in by Big Mascara.

Bonus Fact from Silicon Valley Jim:
John Edwards's law school classmates knew that they could find him after class at the local Hooters. Waitressing.

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If elected President, John Edwards promises to hold daily press conferences where he will answer all celebrity-gossip-related questions.

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John Edwards tends to raise his voice when he gets angry, but only the pitch.

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As a bully in high school, John Edwards would frequently tape "lower my self-esteem" signs on people's backs.

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John Edwards is a mean drunk, and after three Appletinis, he'll slap you just for looking at him wrong.

Not very hard, mind you, but still...

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Things John Edwards is thankful for:

* Aquanet

* Pocket-sized mirrors

* Hair #56,823 (it's his favorite)

* Silk

* Trailer trash juries

* Full-length mirrors

* Discreet, home-delivery of YM

* Chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and Midol (you know what I mean, girls)

* Vaguely reflective surfaces

* John Kerry's rancid unlikability, which kept John from becoming a one-term historical footnote like Walter Mondale.

* No, not the CBS news anchor that preceded Dan Rather. I think you just proved my point.

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Bedtime at the Edwards house includes the nightly coin flip to see who gets to wear the French Maid costume.

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John Edwards's Swiss Army knife has no blades, but it does have tweezers... and a compact.

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John Edwards can't decide which he hates more about his morning routine: his daily 5-minute struggle to get hair #108,349 to fall into place or his daily 5-minute struggle to get that stupid toaster lever to go down.

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John Edwards learned yoga so that he could do a complete self-manscaping.

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John Edwards wishes the Queer Eye guys would quit pestering him for fashion advice.

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Nothing makes John Edwards angrier than when Elizabeth uses his Estée Lauder Re-Nutriv Ultimate Lifting Eye Crème without asking.

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John Edwards's uncontrollable bad habit? Nitpicking Ralph Lauren's Style Guide.

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No matter how much he diets, all John Edwards sees in the mirror through his tears is just a big ugly giant fat pair of thighs!

Bonus Fact from Casper the Friendly Host:
John Edwards's secret stash movies - 'Lord of the Flies', 'Kite Runner' and 'Boys of 2nd St. Park'.

[Huh... I was thinking "Can't Stop the Music" and "L.I.E." - Harvey]

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John Edward's idea of macho? Watching Titanic without Kleenex handy.

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John Edwards hates it when women try to cut in while he's dancing with his buddies.

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Ears? Tail? Where do YOU start eating a chocolate bunny? John Edwards's answer is "neither..." and you don't want to know the rest.

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John Edwards's eternal punishment in Hell? Having Carrot Top's hair.

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John Edwards insists that The Producers wasn't a "real" musical. Now "Rent"...

Bonus Fact from Matthew:
John Edwards' favorite flower is the Cock's Comb, as it combines his two favorite things.

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If elected president, John Edwards promises to make antiquing an Olympic sport.

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John Edwards thinks riding a Segway makes him look butch.

Relatively speaking, he's correct.

Bonus Fact from Casper the Friendly Host:
When John Edwards overheard one of his staff members talking about a receding glacier, he squealed "Hillary’s dropping out?"

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How the media quoted John Edwards:
"You know, I believe in Santa Claus. I believe in the tooth fairy."

What he actually said:
"You know, I believe in men in love. I believe I'm, in truth, a fairy."

[Hat tip: Kyle]

Bonus Fact from Jim:
Victoria's Secret? Johnnie's pantie size.

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John Edwards was recently disappointed to discover that he'd ordered the Mel Brooks PG-13 version of "Robin Hood: Men in Tights" by mistake.

Bonus Fact from Innominatus:
As a self-professed Christian, it's not unusual that John Edwards frequently says "get thee behind me Satan!". It IS unusual that he reflexively grabs his ankles after doing so.

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If John Edwards were to travel into space, the Earth would be gravitationally crushed into a quantum singularity from the weight of all the "Uranus" jokes that would be posted on the internet.

Two Bonus Facts from Bill:
John Edwards always has Elizabeth check for monsters under his bed before going to sleep.

John Edwards' idea of a good Halloween prank is to snap a toothpick off in a doorbell... At least it would be a good prank if he could actually snap a full-sized toothpick.

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John Edwards's personalized license plate: AMB CHSR

Bonus Fact from Casper the Friendly Host:
John Edwards's OTHER personalized license plate:

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John Edwards hates his new iPod Nano because carrying it gives him such a backache.

Bonus Fact from Jim:
Last Halloween John Edwards answered the door wearing a green hat with a long feather, a green leather jerkin, green tights, and green slippers with a bell at the curved toe. One parent remarked, "Nice costume, who are you? Peter Pan?"
To which Johnnie answered, "...costume...?"

Two Bonus Facts from Bill:
A friend of the Edwards family rigged up a vice and small pipe wrench on a stand so little John would be able to separate the two halves of Oreo Cookies by himself.

John Edwards has a phobia about sneezing, since he once got a very nasty paper cut pulling out a Kleenex.

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John Edwards frequently runs red lights while yelling "It's ok! I'm doing it to help the poor!". To his credit, it IS just as effective as the rest of his anti-poverty schemes.

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For years, John Edwards has harbored a secret crush on the Olsen Twins.

Ok, just their collection of party dresses.

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Although researchers doing DNA testing on John Edwards did NOT detect the gene responsible for homosexuality, they DID discover that his mitochondria are comprised entirely of microscopic cans of Aquanet.

Bonus Fact from Jim:
John Edwards feels that he is uniquely qualified to deal with health care because he's watched almost every episode of "General Hospital"

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For John Edwards, something nearby isn't a "hop, skip & a jump", it's a "mince, prance & a flounce".

Bonus Fact from Jim:
John Edwards does not know how many licks it takes to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop. He always gets emotionally involved and loses count.

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Smoothness is measured on the "Edwards Scale", with a baby's bottom being 9 and John Edwards's "area" being the hypothetical maximum 10. The hypothetical 0 point has never actually been attained, although some claim that either Mount Everest or Edward James Olmos's face would qualify.

Bonus Fact from Chris:
John Edwards' favorite spice girl... Mrs. Dash

John Edwards prefers white rice... the flavor of brown rice is too bold

John Edwards' secret family recipe for a great cup coffee:
* 1 large mug with luke warm water
* 3 drops brown food coloring
* a whisper of powdered sugar for flavor

Bonus Fact from Silicon Valley Jim:
Kellie Pickler was recently sued by the Edwards campaign for plagiarism, as all the lyrics to "Things That Never Cross a Man's Mind", are direct quotes from John Edwards.

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John Edwards says it hurts his mouth to eat Cap'n Crunch.

Not the cereal.

Bonus Fact from Jim:
John Edwards is NOT gay...but he does play one on TV.

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John Edwards's career as a mime nearly ended in tragedy when he spent three days without food or water, fruitlessly trying to escape from his invisible box.

Bonus Fact from Jim:
Rejected John Edwards campaign slogans:

"FAAAAAAAAABULOUS!"

"All this, and brains too"

"Better hair than that Korean guy."

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Rock & Roll trivia: a young John Edwards had a cameo in the Dire Straits "Money for Nothing" video (about the 1:50 mark), during the line "the little faggot with the earring and the makeup".

Bonus Fact from Silicon Valley Jim:
John Edwards is having a hard time deciding on his Hallowe'en costume - Wonder Woman, Snow White, Liberace, a ballerina... they just all seem so... butch.

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John Edwards's last trip to sporting event was doubly disappointing. Not only did the Charlotte Sting lose, but the lines for the ladies' room were just unconscionable!

Bonus Fact from Jim:
"We have nothing to fear but fear itself." - Franklin D. Roosevelt

"Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask what you can do for your country" - John F. Kennedy

"I'm a lover, not a fighter" - John Edwards

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John Edwards's least favorite part of his annual physical? The Pap smear.

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John Edwards had a cancer scare once, but his mammogram came back negative.

Bonus Fact from Jim:
When John Edwards was in college, a group decided to put on an all-male production of "Sweet Charity."

Yes...John Edwards ran around wearing fish-nets, slit skirt, floozy blouse with a bra showing, a blonde wig, and garish make-up.

No...he wasn't part of the production.

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Never once has John Edwards either failed or missed a Cosmo quiz.

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To avoid alienating potential voters during his already-precarious presidential campaign, at public appearances John Edwards has been doing a LOT of elaborate verbal side-stepping on the Hummel vs. Precious Moments question.

Rumor has it he's actually a Lladro man.

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You want proof of the MSM's liberal bias? I think the fact that this 60 Minutes piece was completely ignored is proof enough:

Bonus Fact from Casper the Friendly Host:
John Edwards personal physician was stumped by a re-occurring bruise at Silky’s neckline until he admitted wearing John Kerry's class ring at the debates for emotional support.

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Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, although not in John Edwards's mouth.

Bonus Fact from Silicon Valley Jim:
When John Edwards was in high school, his parents insisted that his date have John home by 10:00, and they'd sit up to make sure that it happened.

Bonus Facts from Casper the Friendly Host:
Elizabeth Edwards had to install a seat belt system in the master bathroom after she found Lil’ Johnny crumpled in a heap in the corner. Apparently, the new bidet shot Silky across the bathroom and into the wall.

After a grueling three hour session with his "campaign advisor", John Edwards had to ride the bidet for three hours.

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John Edwards is perfectly capable of using a urinal, as long as he remembers to bring his Whizzy.

Bonus Fact from Jim:
John Edwards' idea of a DIY project? Cornrowing his own hair.

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Most people can't eat popcorn without dropping some. John Edwards can't eat popcorn without a little help lifting it.

Bonus fact from ExUrbanKevin:
Maybe John Edwards was born with it, maybe it's Maybelline.

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Gay Episcopal Priests wear wristbands that say "WWJED".

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John Edwards has to use a pry bar to remove refrigerator magnets.

Or would, if he could actually lift a pry bar.

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Things John Edwards can't walk through:

a) Walls

b) Particularly thick fog banks

Bonus Facts from Casper the Friendly Host:
Unable to pull it apart on his own, John Edwards must eat cotton candy with a spork.

John Edwards was hospitalized with a broken tibia when his CD-ROM drive opened into his leg without warning.

It took his new assistant a moment to understand what he meant when he hissed at her, "I was very clear, wasn’t I? I need ones with WINGS!"

An unknown feminine whisper was overheard on the candidate’s open mikes at the last Democratic debate, "Gawd, Obama makes me moist." However, Hillary was drinking water at the time.

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The worst part of being John Edwards's secretary? Constantly being called into his office to help him pull Post-It Notes off legal documents.

Bonus Fact from Casper the Friendly Host:
Fred Thompson isn’t the only candidate with a trophy wife; unfortunately for John Edwards, his trophy was for last place.

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John Edwards turned down the lead role in Three's Company after he found out the script only had him acting gay in front of Mr. Roper.

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Every night, the Edwards household reverberates with the screams of yet another "Maybelline vs. Cover Girl" argument.

Bonus Facts from Jim:
If you don't count high heels, John Edwards actually has a few more pairs of shoes than his wife Elizabeth.

If you do count them, he beats her by a mile.

Believing he was home alone, John Edwards was startled when he walked into his bedroom and found Elizabeth sitting on the bed.

"John," she said, "I want you to do something for me."
"What is it?" he asked.
"Take off my blouse."
He slowly unbuttoned the garment and the white silk floated to the floor.
"Now," she continued, "pull off my shoes and skirt."
John quickly complied. With a nervous quiver in his voice he asked, "Uhm, anything else?"
"Yes," she said in a quiet but determined voice. "I want you to remove my panties and bra...I supoooose the garters could stay???"
The lingerie was soon tossed on the foot of the bed. She looked him straight in the eye and in a business like voice said, "John, there's one final thing I want."
"What dear?"
"I want you to stop wearing my clothes! You keep stretching them out!"

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John Edwards once killed a man for saying his favorite lavender shirt was actually more of a lilac color.

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John Edwards always wanted to be... a LUMBERJACK!

Bonus Fact from Bill O'Reilly (via Damian G. of Conservathink):
A decision made by John Edwards this week was widely interpreted as a sign that his campaign is in trouble. What did he do?

a) Cut his staff by 30%
b) Accepted public financing
c) Agreed to appear on Fox News
d) Cancelled a scheduled visit to Iowa
e) Shared a hotel room with Dennis Kucinich

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John Edwards once hit a baseball so hard that it landed all the way on the other side of the batter's box.

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Rating: 2.1/5 (4 votes cast)

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John Edwards thinks it's strange that Ken dolls aren't sold in pairs.

Bonus Fact From Jim:
John Edwards had one tattoo.
It's a unicorn.
It's on his butt.
It washes off.

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John Edwards can't understand how his secretary can always manage to get a staple through two sheets of paper in one shot.

Bonus Fact from Chris:
Whenever John Edwards hears the song "Butterfly Kisses" he gets flashbacks of the 'incident' in his 'boyhood' where he was ravaged by a Monarch.

Bonus Fact From Silicon Valley Jim:
60% of the depletion of earth's ozone layer is due to John Edwards's personal grooming practices, scientists said today.

Bonus Fact From Casper the Friendly Host:
Knowing he wouldn’t have time during the campaign season, John Edwards went to his orthodontist last spring asking if the "Perfect Smile"came in a "Fold-Back Teeth" model.

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When asked "paper or plastic" at the checkout counter, John Edwards always chooses plastic. He knows plastic bags aren't eco-friendly, but those paper ones are just so darn heavy.

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In the upcoming Batman film Dark Knight, John Edwards will play archvillain "The Manhole Inspector".

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Al Gore may have invented the internet, but John Edwards invented the curtsey.

Bonus Fact from Casper the Friendly Host:
John Edwards campaign just announced the latest endorsement: Sen. Robert Byrd. In a prepared statement, Sen. Byrd stated, “As I flipped through the stations between Matlock and re-runs of Card Sharks, I saw Johnnie talking to a bunch of worthless whippersnappers on that MTV crap. But then I heard how he planned to pick up where I had left off so many years ago and knew I had found my candidate. That boy’s got moxie and gumption, not to mention good hair.”

Bonus Fact from Jim:
John Edwards' campaign scrapped an idea for a campaign ad featuring average people giving their impression of the candidate after realizing that every interview ended with the words "...not that there's anything wrong with that!"

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John Edwards once sued McDonald's because the Happy Meal they sold him only made him moderately cheerful.

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Last time John Edwards got bit by a mosquito, it bled him whiter than what liberals think of Condoleezza Rice.

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John Edwards tried to take up smoking, but the cigarette just slapped his face & said "NUH-uh! I don't swing that way, buddy!"

Bonus facts from Chris:
4) "Ya want fluffy omelets, ya gotta beat 'em until your arm is sore. Good advice for raising kids, too."

John Edwards thought of this when making breakfast once. He still couldn't muster the energy to break the yolk.

Bill Clinton's dream interns: young chubby girls. John Edwards' dream interns? Teletubbies.

Bonus facts from Casper the Friendly Host:
At Wednesday night’s Democratic debate, NBC microphones picked up John Edwards humming his favorite jingle, "I can bring home the bacon..."

Later that same night, his campaign adviser whispered, "Mr. Edwards, the jingle goes 'Things go better with a DOLLOP of DAISY', not 'a polyp of Davy’s', sir."

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I can't compete with this one from AlanABQ, so the post is all his today:
Willie Nelson's heroes have always been cowboys; John Edwards' heroes have always been Care Bears.

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Today's Fact is from Jim:
It took many days, but John Edwards's advisers finally talked him out of using his original campaign slogan: "Don't hate me 'cuz I'm beautiful!"

Bonus Fact from Harvey:
Kelly LeBrock hates John Edwards.

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Of all the footballs tossed in John Edwards's direction, the only one that didn't make him squeal and duck was the one that hit him in the back of the head.

Bonus Fact from Silicon Valley Jim:
John Edwards can't watch The Wizard of Oz without fondly recalling his high school graduation and his very first pair of ruby slippers.

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Rating: 1.4/5 (5 votes cast)

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John Edwards knows what to do when a guy reaches his hand under the stall wall.

Bonus Fact from Chris:
What do John Edwards and an ambulance have in common?

They both get loaded in the rear and go 'WOO WOO!'

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Rating: 2.2/5 (6 votes cast)

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Like most men, John Edwards was VERY happy to see the mini-skirt come back into fashion. Unlike most men, John thinks he still has the legs for it.

Bonus Fact from AlanABQ:
John Edwards' biggest grade school compliment? Being told that he throws like a girl.

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John Edwards's biggest grade school trauma? Being called a "tomboy".

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Although usually an early adopter of new technology, John Edwards has already said that he won't buy an iPhone until it comes in pink.

Bonus Facts from Jim:
Based on personal research, I give you the following TRUE* John Edwards Fabulous Fact:

One time, John Edwards bravely ran away.

Brave JohnnyE ran away - No!
Bravely ran away, away - I didn't!
When danger reared its ugly head
He bravely turned his tail and fled - No!
Yes, brave JohnnyE turned about
And gallantly he chickened out
Bravely taking to his feet
He beat a very brave retreat
Bravest of the brave, JohnnyE

*The actual document may be fake but the story is acurate!

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John Edwards best pick-up line? "Why yes, you CAN buy me a drink".

Bonus Fact from Chris:
When there is debate about 'gang violence', John Edwards mostly refers to the extreme choreography between gangs in West Side Story.

Bonus Facts from Jim:
John Edwards believes that there is NO problem in this world that cannot be fixed by higher taxes, appeasement, or a good line of hair care products.

Why does John Edwards send out his wife to attack other candidates? Because confrontation makes him pee himself a little.

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Rating: 1.8/5 (5 votes cast)

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John Edwards favorite action movie? "Spice World".

Bonus Fact from Jim:
John Edwards is against mandatory helmet laws. Not because he's a libertarian, it's just that he can't stand helmet hair.

Bonus Fact from John of Johnalism:
John Edwards lost his job to the Snuggles Bear when Unilever opted to toughen the brand's image.

Bonus Fact from Silicon Valley Jim:
When John Edwards was a child, not only did his mother never have to tell him to clean up his room, but he would tell his parents to clean theirs up.

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Rating: 2.7/5 (6 votes cast)

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John Edwards doesn't understand why men flinch when they see a guy on TV take a shot to the groin.

Bonus Fact from Jim:
Contrary to popular belief, the movie "Hairspray" is NOT John Edward's biography.

Bonus Fact from Casper the Friendly Host:
For 6 months after the devastating loss in 2004, Elizabeth Edwards had to slip into an ARMY jacket and gruffly whisper “Genghis Khan” & “I served in Vietnam” over & over to get Lil’ Johnny in the mood.

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Last autumn, Elizabeth Edwards was nearly arrested for spousal abuse until it was discovered that John's numerous bruises really HAD been caused by falling leaves.

Bonus Fact from Pork & Beans:
As a trial lawyer, John Edwards would pace back and forth in front of the Jury droning on and on about talking to dead fetuses. This was when the phrase "Pussy Footin'" was coined.

Bonus Fact from Casper the Friendly Host:
John Edwards hates licking stamps for his scented correspondence. Not only is it so laborious, but the taste reminds him of Lance, and that was a summer fling he’s already cried too much over. (sigh)

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John Edwards can completely relax on an ocean cruise vacation, knowing that - since he's weaker than either a woman OR a child - he'll be given the first seat on the lifeboat.

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After hearing that "pink is the new black", John Edwards explained his lipstick & nail polish by saying it was "new goth".

Bonus Facts from Casper the Friendly Host:
When asked during last year’s Great American Smoke-Out if he had ever used the patch, a confused John Edwards replied "After I smoke one, I usually have to use a Tuck’s pad, not a patch."

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Rating: 2.8/5 (3 votes cast)

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The most common word in the English language is "the". For John Edwards, it's "pedicure".

Bonus Facts from Jim:
John Edwards has every one of Michael Jackson's singles. Every. Single. One!

The constant characterization of him as an effete snob makes John Edwards so angry that he wants to scream and stamp his foot.

John Edwards does not mind being called a Metrosexual. He prefers that to what he used to be called: "pantywaist".

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Grunting, sweating, heavy breathing, rapid up & down motions - just John Edwards trying unsuccessfully to operate a click-top pen.

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John Edwards created the youth organization "Edwards Scouts" for boys who like to wear skirts and sell cookies.

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John Edwards taught Monica that cigar trick.

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John Edwards loves his teddy bears, which is why - if you ask him "Ginger or Mary Ann?" - he'll answer "Skipper".

Bonus Fact from Silicon Valley Jim:
The first argument in John and Elizabeth Edwards's marriage occurred when Elizabeth used John's rouge before he was done with it. He'd already done his cheeks, but hadn't done his nipples yet.

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The documentary about John's presidential campaign will be titled "Edwards Sissyhands".

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John Edwards doesn't wear flannel shirts often, but when he does, they're usually knotted at the midriff.

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During a Celebrity Boxing match, John Edwards got his ass handed to him by a marshmallow peep.

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John Edwards's haircuts cost $400 because he has to buy enough carbon offsets to cancel out trucking in a sufficient supply of hairspray.
[collaborative hat tip: John of Johnalism]

Bonus Fact from AlanABQ:
Once long ago, a Monarch butterfly landed on John Edwards' arm & gave him such a severe sub-dermal hematoma, that for years he couldn't go frolicking through the daisies without being mortified by the sight of ANY butterfly.

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When he got married, John Edwards suprised his parents by keeping his last name.

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In college, John Edwards went through a cross-dressing phase and was once caught by his roommate while trying on a pair of men's underwear.

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John Edwards taught Senator Craig the "wide stance".

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When John Edwards uses a laptop, his feet fall asleep and start to turn blue.

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John Edwards once dislocated his shoulder trying to pull apart string cheese.

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John Edwards believes that "NFL" stands for "Nightly Fix of Lifetime".

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Still on John Edwards's "unsolved mysteries" list - why is there always a line of guys facing the wall when he enters a men's restroom?

Bonus Fact from Silicon Valley Jim:
John Edwards doesn't get what's funny about Animal House and Blazing Saddles.

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John Edwards invented the "Eek! It's a spider!" dance.

Bonus Fact from Anonomouse Reader:
John Edwards had to stop using his Clapper because of the severe bruising he suffered from just using it one time.

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John Edwards thinks it's weird that all his buddies' shirts button from the right.

Bonus Fact from Jim:
In an attempt to change the impression that he is effeminate, John Edwards has taken to ordering his Shirley Temple WITHOUT the cherry!

Bonus Fact from AlanABQ:
John Edwards really does read Playboy for the articles - but ONLY for the articles.

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John Edwards once spent three days tied to a chair after accidentally spraying himself with Silly String.

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John Edwards's first action if elected President? Installing an all-Streisand karaoke machine on Air Force One.

Bonus Facts from Matt:
John Edwards' turning point against corporations was when he narrowly lost out to a soft, anthropomorphic teddy bear for the the title of the "Snuggle Soft Dryer Sheet Mascot." "Edwards Soft" has since become the measure of just how soft someting can be -- making newborn kittens extremely jealous.

John Edwards lost his role to the Pillsbury Doughboy mostly due to the fact that he was unable to stop giggling uncontrollably when poked in the belly button.

If the US forewent spending 6 Million Dollars on rebuilding Lee Majors in 1974, invested half of it's government budget on R&D, and recruited the brightest minds from around the world, we STILL wouldn't have the technology or capability to create a bionic representation of the glamour and lusciousness of John Edwards' hair.

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John Edwards's cell phone ringtone? "It's Raining Men".

Bonus Facts from Anonomouse Reader:
John Edwards invented the Caboodles make-up organization case.

John Edwards has his own kitten factory, where cats are specially bred to be the softest in the world, and they have no paws at all to scratch him with. Shhh... don't let PETA find out.

John Edwards keeps his loose change in a jewlery box his Nana bought him. When you open it, there is a spinning ballerina.

Funniest thing about the ballerina is that he had his Jr. year prom dress replicated from it.

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John Edwards invented cocaine so that he could stay up all night admiring himself in the mirror.

Bonus Facts from Jim:
John Edwards believes that the three biggest issues facing America today are: poverty, health care, and split ends.

A review of John Edwards's legal career proves that he can do what no other current candidate can do... embarrass lawyers.

Adult Bonus Facts containing references to anatomy that might make SarahK blush... over here.

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John Edwards cant resist jumping into the flame wars on the "Downy vs. Snuggle" message boards.

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John Edwards SWEARS that there's no such thing as a "twist-off" bottlecap.

Bonus Fact from Silicon Valley Jim:
John Edwards sued his high school because he wasn't permitted to perform "The Good Ship Lollipop" in the annual talent show, although really he was just pissed that he wouldn't be able to wear his Shirley Temple costume.

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John Edwards was once possessed by a demon and kept uncontrollably vomiting unicorns & rainbows.

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John Edwards just can't stop thinking about what it'd be like to lick the sweat off of Bruce Willis's head.

• Currently 2.38/5
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Rating: 2.4/5 (4 votes cast)

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Sequined fur coat, candelabra, Liberace CD's blaring - just another football Sunday at John Edwards's house.

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Rating: 1.9/5 (5 votes cast)

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Halloween was invented by John Edwards so that he wouldn't ALWAYS have to wear something over his fairy princess costume.

• Currently 1.88/5
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Rating: 1.9/5 (4 votes cast)

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There isn't a hooker in the world who wouldn't sell her soul to have John Edwards's perfect, round little ass.

Bonus fact: Estimated street value of John Edwards's perfect, round little ass: $10,000.

Bonus bonus fact: 10 cartons of cigarettes in Attica.

• Currently 2.63/5
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Rating: 2.6/5 (4 votes cast)

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John Edwards is actually a lesbian trapped in a lesbian's body.

Bonus Fact from Jim:
It takes John Edwards three times as long to shave as the average man. This isn't because his beard is heavier but because he has to also "hit the pits" and those areas around the knees and ankles can be so gosh darn tricky.

Bonus Fact from Silicon Valley Jim:
John Edwards believes that there are two Americas: one where there are Islamofascists, Dick Cheney, and George W. Bush, and another one populated by fluffy bunnies, cuddly kittens, and darling lambs.

• Currently 1.75/5
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Rating: 1.8/5 (4 votes cast)

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