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May 20, 2008
Threats to Our Great Nation
Posted by Frank J. at 12:01 PM

I think the first thing people think of when they hear the name IMAO is "vigilance." While our nation is great, there are many threats facing it, and it has always been the job of IMAO to list those threats so we can later tackle them when we have nothing better to do.

THREATS TO OUR GREAT NATION

* Terrorism
* Illegal Immigration
* Crime
* Drugs
* The Capital Gains Tax
* Childhood Obesity
* Hippies
* Gay Marriage
* Potholes
* That Noise Kids These Days Call Music
* Dingos
* Even Gayer Marriage
* Whole Foods
* That Singing Guy from the FreeCreditReport.com Commercials
* Simians
* The Amish
* Hope When Combined With Change
* Lawn Darts
* The Irish
* Clamshell Packaging
* Diet Coke When Combined With Mentos
* The Moon
* Your Face

As I said before, this is only a list of threats to our great nation that I don't necessarily have solutions for. If you run into one of these threats before I do come up with said solution, just try shooting it with a gun for now. That probably works more than half the time, anyway.

Rating: 2.3/5 (36 votes cast)

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May 01, 2008
Know Thy Enemy: High Gas Prices
Posted by Frank J. at 12:59 PM

Many people are worried about high gas prices, so I sent my crack research staff to find out all they can about them. Here are their findings:

FUN FACTS ABOUT HIGH GAS PRICES

* High gas prices were invented by John D. Rockefeller who one day said to himself, "You know, I could charge a lot more for gas." Some say that business acumen was a big part of his success.

* High gas prices can raise the price of everything from food to action movies in which lots of gas tanks explode.

More expensive than Disney World (but with more mice).
* Gas prices are largely affected by oil production. Oil productions is set by amoral tyrants who live in the desert and wear ornate mumus. It seems to be an odd system, but no one has yet to suggest a better one.

* It seems unfair the Middle East charges so much for oil when its not like they need it themselves for all their cars and technology they're so famous for.

* High gas prices may cause more people to ride a bike to work which could lead to more people wearing bike shorts and thus an increase in false accusations of homosexuality.

* And accurate accusations.

* Canada produces a lot of oil, but uses up most of it in their extremely fuel inefficient Zambonis.

* Venezuela also produces oil, but Hugo Chavez wastes a lot of it by setting it on fire since the color of the flame is pretty and makes him smile and clap.

* One way to reduce gas prices is to do more drilling in America. None of the drilling will be near you, but there will be many people near you loudly complaining about it and it's currently illegal to punch them.

* And it's too expensive to hit them with your car.

* One gas price crisis occurred when some wise guy bought exactly one gallon of gas and, paid a buck thirteen for it when it cost a buck twelve and 9/10ths, and demanded exact change.

* Many people blame American oil companies for the high gas prices, but in fact they are just more victims in all this. Victims with obscene profits, but victims nonetheless.

* Also, if you complain about oil companies too much, they can have you killed. How are the police going to do anything about it if Exxon refuses to give them gas for their cars?

* One strategy to combat higher gas prices is to chide people who drive wasteful SUVs, but they will probably just run their Humvee over your Prius while falsely accusing you of homosexuality.

* Or accurately accusing you.

* High gas prices hurt poor people the most, which is one of the few benefits of it.

* If you think you see high gas prices, whatever you do, do not tell the authorities. If you do, eventually the federal government will find out and try and do something about it, screwing things up even more.

* One way gas stations are combating high gas prices is to make shorter signs that advertise the prices.

* I bet that one took you a second.

* One way to reduce gas prices are biofuels which could reduce gas by cents a gallon at only the cost of millions of people starving to death because of the raised price of crops.

* Alternative fuel cars could one day lead to us no longer needing gasoline, but a label on your car proudly proclaiming your car is safe to the environment could lead to false accusations of you being a homosexual.

* And, of course, accurate accusations.

* A big part of gas prices are the taxes on them which the government spends on telling you not to smoke.

* Especially while in a gas station paying gas taxes.

* Be careful of hidden gas prices. Some place may look like they are only charing a dollar five for a gallon of gas, but if you look closely at the price, you'll see it says, "and 395 tenths of a cent."

* A lot of people think we don't need gas as much anymore since we don't need to physically travel places now that we have the internet. Guess what the internet runs on, though? Gasoline!

* If surrounded by high gas prices, whatever you do, don't panic. It can sense fear and go up even higher in response.

* In a fight between Aquaman and high gas prices, Aquaman would have to sell his fish friends on the local fish market so he can afford to gas to drive his Geo Metro to his new job at the cracker factory.

* And on the way there, he'd be falsely accused of being a homosexual.

* It is false!

* One way to lower gas prices would be to have a huge war for oil. Most people seem to be against this, though, despite no one being able to cite a single downside.

* Some people say angry Muslims may come over here to attack us if we steal their oil, but how are they going to do that with nothing to fuel their vehicles? It's a foolproof plan, I tell you.

* The first high gas price was when gas rose from a penny a gallon to a penny and nine tenths. People back then didn't understand fractions and falsely accused the gas station attendants of witchcraft.

* And accurately accused them.

* Some were also homosexuals, but no one thought to accuse them of that back then.

Rating: 2.4/5 (33 votes cast)

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February 19, 2008
Hippie Punching FAQ
Posted by Frank J. at 12:36 PM

Unfortunately, American society has gotten lax on hippie punching to the point I thought I should write an FAQ to better explain the issue to those who don't currently engage in the punching of hippies. Hopefully one day this will all become so natural again that a hippie punching FAQ will be about as necessary as a flipping people off in traffic FAQ.

HIPPIE PUNCHING FAQ

Q. Where is best to punch a hippie?
A. About the face. That's where the hippie is most annoying.

Q. What is a hippie?
A. Generally, a hippie is an annoying, useless. Actually, less than useless, as they are not happy until they prevent other people from being useful as well. In fact, Scientists have determined that the only evolutionary purpose of a hippie is for punching as a stress release for productive members of society.

Q. Are there any other uses for hippies than punching them?
A. No, there are no other uses.

Q. Couldn't they be ground up and used as chum?
A. They're too gummy.

Q. Where do hippies come from?
A. There's basically waste products of a productive society, as they only come from middle class to upper middle class families. Thus its important for parents to make sure they tell children the importance of not being a hippie while also making them cut the lawn and do other non-hippie, productive activities.

Q. Where can hippies be found?
A. Their main habitat is the college campus and can be found in the vicinity thereof. Occasionally they have mass migrations to city areas to work as a large group (a group of hippies is known as a "protest") to make loud noises and annoy people. In this way, they are like geese, except with more excrement. Also, they have large puppets.

Q. What are the benefits of punching hippies?
A. What aren't? It gives you exercise, increases your intelligence and sexual prowess, helps the economy, defeats terrorism, and helps orphans find families. Also, scientists say that each time you punch a hippie, they get one step closer to curing cancer.

Q. Hippies smell. Do I have to worry about getting that smell on my fist?
A. Always carry around hand sanitizer in case you punch a hippie. Make sure to put it on your knuckles.

Q. Is it okay to punch a hippie on a Sunday?
A. Check local laws. Some counties have blue laws preventing striking hippies on a Sunday. Other think that's the best day for punching hippies.

Q. Just to be clear, are you talking about physically striking hippies or are you talking metaphorically about "punching" hippies through rhetorical means or through your actions against narcissistic hippie ideals?
A. Can't it be both?

Q. Well, one of those is a valid point and the other I'm pretty sure is assault.
A. Maybe you're a hippie.

Q. Since you're writing both sides of this FAQ, you're actually accusing yourself of being hippie.
A. Shut up. I really hate you.

Q. Now this is getting a little weird.
A. You're the reason dad never loved me!

Q. Dude.
A. Why won't you die!

Q. Okay... let's dial this down a little. It's not me you're angry at. It's them. They're the ones at fault. Remember?
A. Are you going to have me hurt people again?

Q. That is not your concern. You do what I tell you, or I will make your life miserable. Do you understand?
A. I understand.

Q. Where does the term "hippie" come from?
A. It's derived from the word hipster.

Rating: 2.9/5 (62 votes cast)

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September 10, 2007
The Similarities Between Osama Bin Laden and Left-Wing Bloggers
Posted by Frank J. at 10:09 AM

Some people seemed surprised that Osama bin Laden sounds exactly like a left-wing blogger, but it's not surprising at all if you've been paying attention. Just look at all the similarities between the two:

SIMILARITIES BETWEEN OSAMA BIN LADEN AND LEFT WING BLOGGERS

* Are very much against the Bush Administration's harsh interrogation techniques.

* Attitude towards contractors killed in Fallujah: "Screw 'em!"

* Can't wait for Brian De Palma's movie showing the "reality" of being a U.S. soldier.

* Are sure they're the real mainstream.

* Don't allow dissent from followers.

* Are quite concerned about Bush Administration wiretaps.

* Think Keith Olbermann is brilliant.

* Hate having to keep hidden from most of society.

* Think those who disagree with them aren't only wrong but evil.

* Hate -- hate -- Joe Lieberman.

* Despite the stark scientific evidence to the contrary, are still convinced the Dan Rather memos were real.

* Despise average American.

* Think Stephen Colbert's humor is edgy.

* Protested ABC showing The Path to 9/11 because of the way it portrayed people they respected.

* Don't bathe as often as the average American.

* Say they cares for the oppressed but come from a very privileged upbringing.

* Tell people they're the only "real conservatives."

* Favorite candidate of the Democrat front runners: John Edwards.

* Think gay Republicans should be exposed and publicly punished.

* Love making impotent threats.

* Celebrate and wish the worst when a Republican gets cancer.

* Sole focus is to get power, but not sure what they'd actually do were they to achieve it.

* Hate America and the West.

Rating: 2.7/5 (60 votes cast)

Comments (4)
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August 22, 2007
Know Thy Enemy: Childhood Obesity
Posted by Frank J. at 11:47 AM

I often hear from people, "Man, things are going so great in the world... except for all the fat kids." Childhood obesity has become a great problem affecting everyone since we all have to look at these fat children. So, I had my crack research team found out all they can:

FUN FACTS ABOUT CHILDHOOD OBESITY

* SUVs would get great gas mileage if it weren't that they were so often filled with fat kids.

* Childhood obesity also affects education, as its hard for a kid to learn math while stuffing his face full of Ho-Hos.

A Lebanese woman reacts to childhood obesity.
* We're talking fat, stupid children.

* Scientists have determined that children become obese because of their moral failings and thus deserve the ridicule.

* Too many fat kids will drive down property values, so if you're having an open house, first drive an ice cream truck through your neighborhood and out of town, leading the fat children away like plump rats following the pied piper.

* Part of the problem is that it takes caring parents to help fight obesity, but the fatter their children are, the more trouble parents have feeling any affection for them whatsoever.

* Fat, stupid, unloved children.

* If you find yourself surrounded by fat children, throw a stick of butter and escape while they plod after it. Last thing you want is for them to get their chubby, sticky hands on you.

* The best way to fight childhood obesity is by promoting healthy eating and exercise. You can also use ridicule.

* Number one threat to forests: All the fat kids trampling plant life as they search for sweet sweet berries.

* Fat, stupid, unloved children clomping through the forests in search of food.

* When an obese child stares up at you with those sad eyes framed by a face covered in chocolate, you can almost feel sympathy for him. Don't fall for it!

* In a battle between Aquaman and childhood obesity, Aquaman would have to spend most of his day fetching chunky Aqualad who would keep floating to the surface like a buoy.

* Why does California get earthquakes? Because the weight of all those fat kids messes up the tectonic plates.

* Fat, stupid, unloved children -- even the earth trembles in anger at their existence!

* Liberals' children often become obese because liberals are too afraid it would hurt their child's feelings to slap the ever present Twinkie out of his hand.

* Monkey-faced liberals and their fat children waddling about like beach balls with stubby little limbs.

* Obese children are of some uses such as when hiking through Africa. If your party gets chased by a tiger, it will obviously first grab the slow moving fat kids given you time to escape.

* How can you tell if a child is obese and not just fat? Throw him in a lake and measure the rate at which he bobs.

* In case of a nuclear holocaust, obese children are the most likely to survive since their stored fat will give them sustenance during the famine and protect them from the cold of the nuclear winter.

* That's our future: Fat, stupid children who have never known human affection aimlessly waddling through a nuclear wasteland. Thank you, McDonald's.

Rating: 2.4/5 (36 votes cast)

Comments (29)
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August 14, 2007
Know Thy Enemy: Anti-War Activists
Posted by Frank J. at 12:47 PM

"There is nothing more despicable than those who, ignoring the call to fight, decide simply to nip at the heels of their betters," Popeye once said about anti-war activist. Everyone is annoyed by them, but what are they? I sent my crack research team to find out all they can about them. Here's what they found:

FUN FACTS ABOUT ANTI-WAR ACTIVISTS

* The first anti-war activists were angels in Heaven who cautioned God against sustained hostilities against Satan. God cast them into hell for the high crimes of being weenies. He also sent Satan to hell for the lesser crime of defying Him.

* What makes someone an anti-war activist? Perhaps war frightened him as a child. Or he's just a self-important douche.

* When threatened, the natural response is to fight back. In contrast, the natural response of an anti-war activist is to annoy and pester those who would fight back. Once again, he's a douche.

* As a child, anti-war activists usually start out by protesting the card game War.

* What does an anti-war activist think is important enough for people to die for? Only his own ego.

* Helping end a war makes people feel important. Most do that through fighting our enemies, but the anti-war activist only has yelling and sign waving skills, so he sticks to that to feel important.

* Why doesn't he wave signs at the enemy? Because they would shoot him. And who could blame them?

* If you find yourself surrounded by anti-war activists, make war sounds to scare them away.

* Is an anti-war activist more motivated by hatred of their free country or from love of its fascist enemy? Scientists have yet to determine an answer.

* The easiest way to tell a male from a female anti-war activist is that only the female ones are lesbians.

* Just because an anti-war activist prefers to wave signs and annoy America when America is threatened doesn't mean he hates America. It means he really hates America.

* America also hates him.

* An anti-war activist can be defeated through reasoned debate or fire. Fire is more effective.

* Why do anti-war activists hate America so much and want to see it humiliated on the battlefield? They hate a country that is so wealthy and civilized as to allow someone as useless as themselves to exist. They don't hate America; they hate themselves.

* So desiring to see America defeated on the battlefield, anti-war activists have thought of fighting along side America's enemies. The idea was rejected when it was determined that would take real convictions and not just an ego trip.

* How do anti-war activists have so much time to march around and wave signs? Due to continuing workplace discrimination against egotistical douches, they remain largely unemployed.

* In a fight between anti-war activists and Aquaman, Aquaman would beat them to death with one of their own minibuses. Hey, he did fight the Nazis.

* You can protest an anti-war through war.

* The movie Star Wars caused anti-war activist to envision what war protesting could be like in the future. None of them could come up with anything other than more yelling and sign-waving, though.

* It is uncertain what anti-war activists consume to continue their existence. Some scientists believe they actually turn annoyance into sustenance.

* The easiest way to defeat anti-war activists is to declare war on them. You can then easily pick them off while they protest anyone of them that tries to fight back.

* It's said that if you punch an anti-war activist, it brings you good luck. Many say that was a superstition started just because people liked punching anti-war activists anyway.

* They tried protesting the cola wars, but they gave up when they got thirsty.

* Anti-war activists feel that Vietnam was their biggest success. They hope that the countless slaughtered after America's retreat knew that at least they were helping some privileged Americans feel good about themselves.

Rating: 2.7/5 (39 votes cast)

Comments (16)
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August 07, 2007
Know Thy Enemy: Unions
Posted by Frank J. at 11:45 AM

At YearlyKos, someone spoke about making a blogger union. That's just so mind bogglingly stupid I don't even know if I should comment on it. If there were two speakers with one in favor of making a blogger union and the other in favor of sticking forks in power outlets, I'd listen to the power outlet guy because he is making much more sense.

Other than that a union won't work for bloggers (Won't the MSM want us to strike? Aren't there like a million scabs for any blogger who refuses to work?), unions are evil. I sent my crack research team to find out all they can about unions, and here is what they found:

FUN FACTS ABOUT UNIONS

* The word "union" comes from "un" mean "not" and "ion" meaning "energized."

* Unions were formed when evil workers decided to get together and blackmail honest employers to give them more pay for less work.

* Ultimately, unions hope to be able to get paid for no work at all... or no work beyond threatening employers with physical violence.

* Unions force what they want through strikes where they refuse to work out of principle instead of just out of laziness.

* The cause of the Dark Ages: Unions.

* Satan and his minions being cast down from Heaven was God's way of breaking up a union strike.

* Mob influence of union has declined in recent years as mobs have become more discriminating in who they associate with.

* Reason Krypton exploded: It was up to union labor to stabilize it's core.

* Jimmy Hoffa ran afoul the wizard's union and was disapparated.

* If surround by union thugs, don't panic. They won't beat you for more than five minutes straight without a paid break.

* If the sun ever unionized, we'd get only four hours of daytime a week.

* Unions fund themselves through collection of dues which are spent on cigars for the bosses to chomp and bribes for Democrats.

* What happened to the dinosaurs? They went union.

* Slogan of the teachers union: "If we teach even one child to read, then we've failed."

* Scientist classify a union as a type of fungus.

* If you see union member working hard, report him to his union boss for a strict punishment.

* In a fight between Aquaman and unions, Aquaman would end up buried under Giants Stadium.

* If unions were successful in unionizing the Justice League of America, though, they'd force Superman to use less of his powers so as not to make the other unionized superheroes look bad.

* Unions have declined as Americans have begun favoring using marketable skills for leverage instead of blackmail.

* If you think you see a union, break it up using Shaolin style kung fu.

* Ever see something not getting done? Nine times out of ten it's because of a union.

* If a union strike is causing you business to shut down, try hiring scabs. Or Mexicans.

* One day robots will replace union workers. The robots could eventually decide to kill all humans or, even worse, form their own union.

FULL DISCLOSURE: I was in a union when I worked in a supermarket from age 16 to 18. They took five dollars out of every paycheck and in exchange I got a newsletter explaining why Republicans are bad and Democrats are good.

Rating: 2.3/5 (36 votes cast)

Comments (23)
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July 09, 2007
Know Thy Enemy: The Moon
Posted by Frank J. at 01:19 PM

IMAO has long advocated nuking the moon, but what do you really know about the moon? I had my crack research team find all they can about our natural satellite, and I bet after reading this you'll want the moon nuked right away.

FUN FACTS ABOUT THE MOON

* How the moon was created is still a matter of scientific debate, but most agree it was Satan.

* Documents show that the moon plagued early man, often stealing their children.

* Why can't you see the moon during the day? It hides then because, like Batman, it figures it's much more threatening in appearance at night.

* Scientists say that to hold a higher position is to show dominance. So why does the moon float up there in the sky? Because it thinks it's better than us.

* If confronted by the moon in a dark alley, blow your rape whistle.

* The moon is so evil that radical Islamists can only stand to use a sliver of it as their symbol.

* Astronomers note that the moon is the number one source of light pollution world wide.

* It has been shown that the moon is immune to bullets, poison, and being stabbed with a flag pole. The only thing that could possibly harm it is a nuclear strike.

* It's said the full moon can cause people to go crazy. That means the moon has been conducting psychological warfare against us for ages.

* Jupiter has over sixty moons and is completely uninhabitable by human life.

* About once a month, the moon completely hides shadows. This is when it plots against us.

* Despite its evil, America was forced to put men on the moon and claim it as their own to keep it from falling into the hands of Commie evil.

* If America ever tries to use the moon for its own purposes, it will be consumed by the moon's evil. That's why they must destroy the moon where it was created: Mount Doom.

* There's a piece of moon rock displayed to the public at Kennedy Space Center. When you touch it, you can feel your soul whither.

* The moon, like the puma, has no concern for human life.

* Since the moon controls the tides, it's responsible for the creation of such evils as tidal waves and surfer dudes.

* The moon always keeps the same side facing the earth. What is it hiding on the other side? Most scientist agree it's acres and acres of pot.

* In the 1950's, America considered nuking the moon to prove our dominance over all of God's domain, but the whiny, weak Democrats stopped from fear of angering the moon. It already hates us and wants to kill us, idiots!

* The moon can be useful as its gravity can slingshot a craft towards Mars. Airplanes use a similar effect to speed up cross-country flights by using the gravity of Michael Moore.

* We left some moon buggies parked on the moon. I'll bet you the hubcaps are missing.

* In a fight between Aquaman and the moon, the moon would mess up the tides until they threw Aquaman into some power lines.

* Scientists mention numerous possible benefits from nuking the moon such as world peace, learning the cure for cancer, and gaining really awesome video of a mushroom cloud.

* Venus has no moon and has never been under the threat of Communism.

* If you are ever attacked by the moon, don't panic. Death is certain, so you might as well meet it like a man.

Rating: 2.4/5 (24 votes cast)

Comments (16)
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June 11, 2007
Compact Fluorescent Light Bulbs FAQ
Posted by Frank J. at 11:12 AM

Compact fluorescent light bulbs are increasing in popularity. SarahK is adamant about us not using them for medical and religious reasons, but Glenn Reynolds of Instapundit has been a big proponent of them (he keeps track of readers who have converted their lighting on his site's sidebar). Since he's not one to jump on the bandwagon of environmental causes, I figured there must be something else afoot if one who drinks blended puppy suddenly has an interest in light bulbs. Here's what I found out put into an easy to read FAQ format:

COMPACT FLUORESCENT LIGHT BULBS FAQ

Q. Why would I want to replace my incandescent light bulbs with compact fluorescent light bulbs?

A. A CFL uses only one-fifth to one-fourth the energy of an incandescent bulb which saves money and reduces greenhouse gas emissions. Also, CFLs last up to fifteen times as long as incandescent bulbs.

It will light your house with its dark power.
Q. How is it that CFLs use less energy than regular incandescent light bulbs?

A. A CFL turns electricity much more efficiently into light than an incandescent bulb which wastes 90% of the electricity in consumes in the form of heat. Also, instead of drawing all its power from electricity, a CFL also draws some of its power from Satan (check the packaging of the bulb for the specific percentage).

Q. Is it true that a CFL will dim over time?

A. CFLs may dim before reaching the end of their lifespan. Also, repeated exposure to the effects of a CFL will eventually erodes one's soul, causing everything to look dimmer despite no change in actual light output.

Q. Are there special environmental concerns in disposing of CFLs?

A. Since CFLs contain mercury, special disposal procedures should be followed. Also, if a CFL breaks, a certain amount of evil will be released into the world. Remains should not be handled until the area is cleaned by the EPA and exorsized by a priest.

Q. Is the light from a CFL the same as that of an incandescent bulb?

A. A CFL emits light on a different wavelength than an incandescent bulb. While the light is similar, some describe it as slightly "unnatural" or "evil." All the effects of the wavelength haven't been fully classified, and some say that if you stare directly into the bulb, you'll get glimpses of another dimension filled with beings of unimaginable horror and that to fully realize them would cause madness. Thus, staring at a CFL is not recommended.

Q. Can the light from a CFL cause seizures?

A. There is evidence of increased seizure risk, but it should be noted that CFLs thrive on human suffering and watching you fall into a epileptic fit will increase the CFL's efficacy.

Q. Ever since installing CFLs in my home, I've felt cold even though the thermostat notes no difference in temperature. Why is that?

A. Since CFLs waste less energy as heat, the area directly around a CFL may not feel as warm as you may have been acquainted to. Also, most theologians agree that God will not dwell where the light of a CFL shines. This separation from the love of the Almighty is often described as a vague feeling of "coldness." Intense depression may follow.

Q. After using CFLs, I tend to have horrible dreams. I can't remember what happens in them, but I wake up in a cold sweat and have an odd sense of dread for the rest of the day. I've begun to fear sleeping. Is this normal?

A. Yes.

Q. I think I heard voices coming from my CFL urging me to kill my family. Have I gone insane?

A. No. Sometimes demons will use a CFL as a way to open a path of communication between their dark dimension and our own. Since they prey on man when he is weak, make sure to stay away from all CFLs if you're feeling particularly mentally vulnerable.

Q. I have this feeling that my prayers are ineffective when a CFL is shining on me. Why is that?

A. While some say its blasphemous to put a limit to God's power, many still believe that the wavelength emitted by a CFL effectively corrupts one's prayers and keeps God from hearing them. It is recommended you turn off all CFLs in your household before trying to communicate with a benevolent higher power. It should be noted, though, that your prayers will most likely be in vain since purchasing a CFL may be viewed as a tacit agreement with Satan.

Rating: 2.7/5 (20 votes cast)

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May 15, 2007
Know Thy Enemy: Jerry Falwell
Posted by Laurence Simon at 02:25 PM

After weeks and months of research, much to the detriment of my IMAO posting duties, I've been working on what should be the greatest of all Know Thy Enemy posts ever posted on IMAO.

I had a few minor corrections to make, some sources to check in with, but I believe my magnum opus is finally complete.

That's right: the subject of this Extra Special Know Thy Enemy from IMAO's Token Jew is the so-called "Reverend" Jerry Falwell, founder of the Moral Majority, leveraged buy-out conqueror of Jim Bakker's faltering PTL group, Christian Zionist for Rapture purposes and not the right for Jews to have their own state, and enemy of all cartoon characters purple.

So, here we go!

JERRY FALWELL

  • Born in-

CNN: Rev. Jerry Falwell dead at 73

Aw, crap.

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Rating: 2.1/5 (16 votes cast)

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January 30, 2007
Know Thy Enemy: Global Warming Climate Change
Posted by Frank J. at 01:01 PM

Global climate change keeps making the news, and now Al Gore's documentary is scheduled to win an Oscar. Thus, I sent my crack research team to find out all they can about global climate change:

FUN FACTS ABOUT GLOBAL CLIMATE CHANGE

* Global climate change was first discovered during the Ice Age when some guy said, "Hey, it's been getting kinda cold lately." This was blamed on the activities of man, specifically their angering the moon god by giving it lackluster offerings of shiny beads.

* The first global warming fear came at the end of the Ice Age when noted climatologist Thag observed, "It get warm." Many didn't believe Thag and were unprepared for the coming ice cube shortage.

* Today, climate change is blamed on humans doing cool stuff like burning things and driving big trucks since these also anger the moon god.

* Earlier last century, it was believed that human activity was causing the world to cool. Now, it is believed human activity is causing the globe to warm. Eventually the two will merge into the global lukewarming theory and scientists will debate whether or not you'll need a jacket.

* Extremely cold winters are also evidence of global warming if they are observed when scientists declare it to be opposite day.

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Rating: 3.0/5 (35 votes cast)

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November 16, 2006
Know Thy Enemy: Smoking
Posted by Laurence Simon at 09:15 AM

Since today is the American Cancer Society's Great American Smokeout, I thought I'd shake American's greatest enemy after terrorists, illegal immigration, alternative energy sources, liberals, gay marriage, Communism, and the Kyoto Protocol: Smoking.

FUN FACTS ABOUT SMOKING

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Rating: 2.3/5 (16 votes cast)

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October 09, 2006
North Korean Nuclear Explosive Test FAQ
Posted by Frank J. at 09:37 AM

Q. Why is this a big deal? We've had nuclear weapons since the forties. What's next? The North Koreans getting the microwave?

A. Let's not underestimate this. While nuclear weapons go back a very long time, the speculation on their popularity was vastly overblown, as none of the predictions of every American flying around in his own personal helicopter armed with nuclear bombs ever came true.

Q. So, should we panic? I'm due for a good panic.

A. Sure. Go ahead.

Q. Aieeeeeeeeee! Game over, man! Game over! What are we going to do, man? What are we going to do?

A. We'll probably enact sanctions.

Q. And that stops a nuclear explosion how?

A. Once the country is hit by a nuclear attack, it allows us to say, "Hey, we tried." The only thing worst than a nuclear holocaust is a nuclear holocaust where you didn't even impotently try sanctions to stop it.

Q. How can we be sure North Korea really set off a nuclear explosion? The explosion was only equivalent to 550 tons of TNT, and Bob Owens thinks they could have used conventional explosives to do that. Is he crazy?

A. Absolutely. Where in the world would North Korea get that much TNT? Dynamite R Us? That place has, at most, a half a ton of TNT in stock at a time. If you do the math, that means the North Koreans would have to visit at least six dynamite stories, driving all over North Korea to find them. Perhaps now you get an idea of how infeasible that would be.

Q. The Russians say the explosion was 5 to 15 kilotons.

A. The Russians say lots of things, and they also use the number three as a letter. Bunch of goofballs, the whole lot of them.

Q. So, are the North Koreans crazy enough to use their nuclear weapons? I mean, their leader is this short, weirdo with a potbelly and poofy hair. The guy is practically a carnival freak.

A. Hey! Don't provoke him, fool! He has nuclear weapons!

Q. So, is that it? Is he going to nuke me dead?

A. Possibly... if you're visiting Japan and the North Korean missiles work perfectly. The much more likely target is the ocean between North Korean and Japan.

Q. He can't keep his Dong up, am I right?

A. Huh?

Q. It was a joke. See, the North Korean missile names all has the word "dong" in it, and that is often used as a synonym for...

A. Well, I'm glad that while we're all threatened with nuclear death, you can make jokes. We here at IMAO are against all jokes.

Q. I know, I come here everyday. Anyway, if their missiles won't work, what about the possibility of a nuclear weapon being strapped to a North Korean ninja who could then sneak into America with his ninja skills?

A. Nuclear ninjas? Bah.

Q. But they also know kung fu.

A. Well, it sounds like a job for Batman.

Q. I was thinking Chuck Norris.

A. Either or. Anyway, I hear Homeland Security is well aware of the nuclear ninja threat, and will shoot on site anyone dressed all in black.

Q. Won't that cause a lot of innocent Goths to be shot?

A. Yeah. So?

Q. Well... it's just... forget it. So, isn't this a failure of the Bush administration?

A. Isn't everything?

Q. I'm serious! He was all focused on Iraq and it's non-existent WMDs, and now North Korea has actual working nuclear weapons.

A. What were we supposed to do? Invade them? What would we have to gain? They have no oil for us to steal, and we already have plenty of nuclear weapons of our own, so why would we want theirs?

Q. It's more than that! I hear the Koreans eat dogs. We have to stop that!

A. That's a cultural thing.

Q. But it's just like cannibalism... except, instead of eating people, they eat dogs!

A. The U.S. government won't even stop Glenn Reynolds from making puppy smoothies, so I wouldn't expect action against North Korea.

Q. I question the timing of this nuclear test.

A. Of course you do, you moonbat.

Q. Well, how do you think this will effect the election?

A. While the Democrats can play this up as a Bush failure, if Americans feel there is an actual big international threat out there, people aren't going to look for protection among a bunch of whiny Democrats who all had silicon testes implants to pretend they actually have balls.

Q. Some Democrats do have testicles!

A. Maybe Hillary.

Q. This is stupid. I want more info about the Mark Foley scandal!

A. I'm sure the MSM will prioritize towards that as soon as they can.

Q. What does a dog taste like?

A. If you're really curious, e-mail Glenn Reynolds. Now, have a happy, radioactive day.

Rating: 2.2/5 (17 votes cast)

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August 22, 2006
End the Fear-Mongering: Facts About Muslims
Posted by Frank J. at 11:59 AM

Everyone seems scared of Muslims and terrorists these days. So many people these days when passing a a mosque will wonder if people inside are plotting against the country. On one flight in the UK, people were thrown off just for speaking Arabic. What that means is we have a culture of fear. To combat that, I've compiled this list of facts about Muslims and terrorists to end all the irrational fear people have of their fellow Muslims.

FACTS ABOUT MUSLIMS AND TERRORISTS

FACT: Only 45% of mosques are primarily filled with terrorists.

FACT: Of any Muslim you see on the street, there is only a 30% chance he is currently thinking about killing you.

FACT: Islam means "peace"... or something similar. If any Muslim murders you, then he is going against what his own religion somewhat means.

FACT: While Islam may seem abusive or demeaning to women, 100% of Muslim women love it that way as reported by their husbands (the women were not allowed to speak... and, according to their husbands, they didn't want to either).

FACT: While killing yourself and others for some perverted sex dream involving 72 virgins might seem crazy to us, studies show that people who work towards concrete goals are more successful in life.

FACT: Most Muslim terrorists are secretly gay, anyway, and only act like they want 72 virgin women out of peer pressure.

FACT: If you overhear someone speaking Arabic on a plane, there is a less than 15% chance that person is talking about taking down the aircraft.

FACT: Even if they do take down the aircraft, there was a 0.0001% chance it was about to crash anyway.

FACT: Most terrorism goes against the teachings of Islam since terrorists often use more explosive power that was dictated to be allowable by the prophet Mohammed.

FACT: The prophet Mohammed was a humanitarian who saved nearly as many babies as he killed by the sword.

FACT: It is expressly forbidden by the Koran to beat someone to death with a Koran.

FACT: You are much more likely to be killed at a crosswalk by a careless Jew driving his fancy car than be killed by a Muslim terrorist.

FACT: Joooooos!

FACT: Most Muslims would hate it if all infidels were murdered and rather have infidels simply pay a tax - a "Don't Murder Me" tax.

FACT: The tax for not being murdered by Muslims would most likely be much less than the taxes you pay on gasoline a year.

FACT: Though Muslims do want Jews pushed into the sea, they don't necessarily want them all to drown.

FACT: Muslims are the most likely victims of Muslims murderers. Thus Muslims help eliminate the threat of Muslims.

FACT: Though Muslims do want to take over your country and put it under Islamic law, that doesn't mean they want to kill you.

Now that you have the facts on your side, you have no more reasons to be afraid.

Rating: 2.3/5 (15 votes cast)

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August 11, 2006
Updated Terrorist FAQ
Posted by Frank J. at 12:41 PM

TERRORIST FAQ

(With new additions from Frank J. and spacemonkey; original is here)

Q. How can I identify a terrorist?
A. Sometime the differences between terrorists and non-terrorists are quite subtle. While a non-terrorist would carry a briefcase, a terrorist would carry an AK-47. If a non-terrorist bumps into you, he will say, "Pardon me, sir." If a terrorist bumps into you, he will say, "Death to the infidels!" The main way to identify a terrorist, though, is the evil look in their eyes. Also, they're Arab.

Q. What about those people who set bombs in Ireland?
A. I believe they are also Arab.

Q. I don't think that's right.
A. Then write your own FAQ.

Q. I don't want to.
A. Then quit yer griping. Oh, in addition to their Arabness, they may carry a liquid or a gel, or perhaps a citrus juice from concentrate

Q. What do I do then?
A. Don't drink it, especially if you are on a low acid diet or don't like exploding.

Q. I tawt I taw a terrorist! What should I do?
A. Immediately jump him and pummel him. There will always be time for questions post-pummeling.

Q. What if I was wrong and jumped a non-terrorist?
A. Have a sincere sounding apology prepared just in case. Also, carry around a number of those "Fun Size" bags of chips. Then you can say, "I'm sorry I beat you up. Here's a bag of Fritos."

Q. What if I need to shoot a terrorist? What caliber should I use?
A. I recommend a .45, but many people now prefer a .40 caliber handgun. Shoot the terrorist a couple times; if he doesn't die, switch to the next higher caliber.

Q. I just shot a terrorist, but I found a bomb near him. What should I do?
A. Cut the red wire.

Q. Are you sure I shouldn't cut the green wire?
A. Yeah, on second thought, cut the green wire.

Q. So which is it? The red wire or the green wire?
A. Could be the blue wire.

Q. I'm just going to try running away really fast.
A. That's what I'd do.

Q. Oh no! I'm surrounded by terrorists! What now?
A. Whatever you do, don't make any sudden movements or be a Jew.

Q. Whoops! I'm a Jew!
A. Don't worry too much; they're more scared of Jew than Jew are of them.

Q. Why do people want to terrorize us?
A. They're retarded.

Q. Aren't the causes for terrorism much more complicated, involving socio-economic factors, the residual effects of colonialism, the...
A. No, they're just retards.

Q. But isn't...
A. Retards.

Q. The Democrats say they have a better plan to handle the terrorists. Should we elect them?
A. What's their plan?

Q. I dunno. You're the answering guy.
A. Well, I'll check with the Democrat FAQ...
...
No, it doesn't know the plan either.

Q. Maybe it's a secret.
A. If it were a secret that would be effective against terrorists, it would be in the New York Times by now.

Q. A terrorist all in black is flipping around and throwing sharp objects at me. What should I do?
A. That's a ninja, not a terrorist.

Q. Well, he's still trying to kill me.
A. Sorry, but that's beyond the scope of this FAQ.

Q. I think I saw Saddam Hussein. What should I do?
A. First, make sure it's not actually Tom Selleck.

Q. Whoops, it is Tom Selleck.
A. When identifying Saddam, try not to just focus on the mustache. Remember, Saddam's in prison now; we got that sucka.

Q. When are we going to capture Osama bin Laden?
A. Why does everyone always bring that up? If we capture him, you know his replacement won't make nearly as entertaining videos and audiotapes.

Q. Does Osama do anything these days other than release straight-to-video screeds?
A. I think he also has a cooking show.

Q. I see a terrorist dressed in black stripes who keeps saying, "Robble Robble Robble." Should I kill him?
A. That's not a terrorist; that's the Hamburglar.

Q. Might one consider the way he steals children's hamburgers, thus preventing them from a normal, happy meal, a form of terrorism?
A. Yes... if you're an idiot.

Q. I am an idiot.
A. Good for you.

Q. So does he also steal cheeseburgers, or just hamburgers?
A. Go away.

Q. I see some people trashing America and telling us to cut and run in the Middle East. Are they friends of the terrorists?
A. Probably. Punch them in their dumb monkey faces.

Q. Why would someone be friends with terrorists?
A. Terrorists tend to think they're great poker players, but they really aren't. Thus terrorist friends tend to clean up big on poker night.

Q. It seems wrong to take advantage of naive terrorists like that.
A. Well, we're not here to judge. We're only here to punch.

Q. I hear that the whole religion of Islam is just a Zionist conspiracy so that the Jews can distract us with terrorism while they steal our money.
A. Sounds logical.

Q. I also know of a conspiracy involving the Keebler elves and the Vatican.
A. You should write a newsletter.

Q. A liberal told me that Bush is the real terrorist. Is that true?
A. Bush isn't Arab.

Q. Okay, I've killed all the terrorists; now what do I do to put meaning into my dreary existence?
A. Go back to killing Communists. Consult the "Better Dead Than Red" FAQ.

Rating: 2.3/5 (14 votes cast)

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July 18, 2006
Know Thy Enemy: Hezbollah
Posted by Frank J. at 12:28 PM

For this current conflict in the Middle East, I already have KTEs for Syria and Iran. Guess that just leaves Hezbollah. So I sent my crack reasearch team to find out all they can about wacky Hezbollah and write:

FUN FACTS ABOUT HEZBOLLAH

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Rating: 2.8/5 (30 votes cast)

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June 29, 2006
Know Thy Enemy: Floods
Posted by Frank J. at 11:31 AM

Apparently lots of places in America where I don't live are getting flooded. Thus, I had my crack research team find out all they can about floods to help you wet citizens out there.

FUN FACTS ABOUT FLOODS

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Rating: 2.0/5 (17 votes cast)

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June 19, 2006
Know Thy Enemy: Rain
Posted by Laurence Simon at 12:28 PM

With all of the panicked shrieking about Hurricane Season in the media, down here in Houston we don't need any stinking named storms to cripple the city's infrastructure. Dump ten inches of rain on the place during your morning commute, and you've got the makings for a boatload of fun... without the boat!

With all that in mind, we should look at this "rain" thing more closely to see the true nature of this flash flood of threats this phenomenon presents...

FUN FACTS ABOUT RAIN

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Rating: 1.9/5 (14 votes cast)

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April 25, 2006
Know Thy Enemy: Illegal Immigrants
Posted by Frank J. at 01:06 PM

Illegal immigrants are everywhere and completely illegal! Something must be done, but even President Bush doesn't seem to be handling this issue. Thus, I had my crack research staff find out all they can on these immigrants who are illegal.

FUN FACTS ABOUT ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS

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Rating: 1.8/5 (21 votes cast)

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April 11, 2006
Know Thy Enemy: Passover
Posted by Laurence Simon at 10:55 AM

Unlike "normal" holidays, Passover sneaks around the calendar and then shows up to distract us from our all-important Easter shopping. This obviously presents a threat to American society and our economy. Thus, I sent my crack research team to find out all they could about Passover.

  • The terms "Passover" and "Pesach" are used interchangeably to allow recording artists ample opportunity to find words that rhyme with the holiday.

  • One should not confuse the 15th day of Nissan in the Jewish calendar with the 15th day of owning a Nissan, when the customer usually brings the car back for its first of many "unexpected" repairs.

  • Of all the Plagues, historians consider "Frogs" to be more of a nuisance than a Plague. Unless "Frogs" is a mis-translation, of course, and it actually refers to a plague of Frenchmen. That would be worse than all other plagues combined.

  • Jews are not allowed to eat, own, or lease with an option to buy unleavened bread during this time. This results in a glut in the secondhand leavened bread market, putting thousands of bakers out of work.

  • Have you seen how cheap croutons are these days? Wow!

  • According to the Protocols of the Elders of Zion, the blood of Christian children is used in the making of matzoh, or the unleavened bread used in Passover rituals. However, like many best-sellers on the New York Times list written by their own columnists, the Protocols of the Elders of Zion just happens to be full of crap.

  • (If your children go missing, ask the Baron Von Bombast of Vulgaria where they went.)

  • During the Passover ceremony, Jews read from a book called the Haggadah, which contains the texts for the seder as well as the things you should shout out while sitting on the toilet for hours, blocked up from eating too much matzoh.

  • Looking for a Seder? Try the International Seder Directory. Or, if you're in a hurry, your grocer's freezer section for a Swansons Microwaveable Seder. (They tend to keep them hidden to avoid angering Muslims, so insist that you're not a Muslim and that you want one.)

  • The name of The Almighty is often written as G-d or L-rd because it costs extra to buy a vowel from Vanna, and Jews are notoriously cheap.

  • Matisyahu rocks, man.

  • Jews make lousy slaves. Nobody trusts an enslaved plastic surgeon. What kind of idiot says "Here, slave, have a sharp object and then cut me up while I'm unconscious."

  • Okay, besides Joan Rivers.

  • The phrase "Why is this night different from other nights?" refers to the extended stay of Jews in Miami Beach, where every night 78 degrees and has a 10 percent chance of precipitation.

  • In a fight between Moses and Aquaman, Moses would win. Because Moses would turn the rivers to blood, rendering Aquaman without water and powerless.

  • Then he'd smite him with his staff.

  • The ceremony starts with the Kaddesh, or the ritual blessing and drinking of wine. Repeat as often as necessary until you're sufficiently blessed out of your mind.

  • The rest of the ceremony should be a blur. Blessings breakings, vegetables, bitter herbs - who needs it? You're just going to stop by Wendy's on the way home, anyway. If you recover any amount of lucidity, you didn't Kaddesh yourself enough. (Tip: bring a flask)

  • Jews will hide the last piece of matzoh and call it the "afikomen" which translates to "It's either this or let it go stale while taking up a lot of room in the pantry. It tasted so bad fresh, can you imagine how awful it will be stale?" The kids are then sent out of the room to go find the afikomen while the parents argue over who's paying the bill.

  • The blessing "Next year in Jerusalem." is obviously a Zionist plot to take over the world. Especially when you consider that Jews already in Jerusalem use the blessing "Okay, we're in Jerusalem. Nice. How about next year we take over the entire world?"

So have a safe Passover, and watch out for Kaddeshed drivers.

Rating: 1.7/5 (15 votes cast)

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February 28, 2006
Frank Advice on Port Security
Posted by Frank J. at 01:07 PM

When people first heard that the UAE were going to manage some of our ports, everyone was like, "Whatever." Then, we found out what the 'A' in UAE stands for: Arab! Those crafty Muslims, trying to take over our ports without us noticing; they're almost as sneaky as the joooos.

Now, people are concerned about port security, thus leaving it to me to tell everyone what to do:

FRANK ADVICE ON PORT SECURITY

* Remember: Ports involve delivery with ships, so, if some other vehicle than a ship comes into your port, treat it with suspicion.

* Muslim extremists could infiltrate your port and blend in with the workers. Every so often, you should yell out "Hey, Mohammed!" and see if anyone turns his head in response. Also, you might want to yell out, "Hey, Bruce!" to see if you've been infiltrated by filthy, thieving Australians.

* Just because someone went through all the trouble of painting "Not WMDs" on a crate, doesn't mean it's true. You might want to consider inspecting that one.

* Muslim extremists hate cartoon depictions of the prophet Mohammed (peace be upon him), so put an unflattering comic about Mohammed on your door. If anyone tries to kill you over it, treat that person with suspicion.

* Remember: Just because someone is Arab doesn't mean that he is a Muslim; in fact, the huge majority of Arabs in America are Christian, so, when you see an Arab, you should be more worried about a Christian extremist who will chat off your ear about "The Bible." To shut him up, just tell him you have "The Bible: The Movie" on your Netflix list and you don't want him to spoil it for you.

* SPOILER: Jesus gets killed. Ha, bet you thought they wouldn't kill off the main character.

* Don't jump to conclusions. If you hear people saying stuff like, "We're going to steal the port," "Let's take over the port," or "I'm going to smuggle WMDs in the port," they could just be talking about port wine.

* Though you don't have enough time to check every crate, don't just check the first two crates from each shipment; terrorists could use that predictability against you. Sometimes, check the third and fourth crates instead. Don't bother with the fifth and sixth crates because, even if they have WMDs in them, you'll probably die of old age before the union workers finally unload them.

* SPOILER: Jesus comes back to life! Yes, it might seem a bit cheesy like with Star Trek III: The Search for Spock, but, if you paid attention, there was plenty of foreshadowing.

* Terrorist want to smuggle a nuclear bomb into America, so, if you find a nuclear bomb in one of your inspections, make sure it's on the manifest.

* Every so often, walk among the workers asking, "Anyone know where to score some WMDs?" Maybe someone will slip up.

* Since you're right near the water, you might want to enlist the help of Aquaman so he can swim around and... uh... On second thought, try flashing the Bat Signal.

* Another way terrorists may attack us is by smuggling in Ebola infected monkeys. So, make sure you have bananas - bananas for the monkeys.

* Monkeys like bananas.

* If you think one of the workers at the port is holding back information, you should consider beating him with a rubber hose until he talks. It's a good idea to check union rules on that first.

* Remember: Port security starts with you. Don't just say, "Well I don't need to find smuggled WMDs; Jack Bauer from CTU will handle it just in time." Jack Bauer is busy and needs sleep, so do your job!

Rating: 2.1/5 (24 votes cast)

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January 24, 2006
Know Thy Enemy: DUmmies and KosKids
Posted by Frank J. at 12:14 PM

Chris Matthews has somehow gotten the moonbats hating him since he made the obvious comparison between Osama bin Laden's rhetoric and Michael Moore (who previously bragged that Osama must have watched his film Fahrenheit 911). John Kerry actually went on the mental patient emporium, Daily "Screw 'Em" Kos, to defend Michael Moore, probably in hopes that people don't realize that OBL's rhetoric was not quite as radical as Moore's and closer to his own.

This is a bad precedent for Democrats to be closely associating with the noisy nuts. What's next? Reid going on Democratic Underground and patiently listening to their crazed conspiracy theories involving Bush and Rove and aliens? The wackos of Daily Kos and DU have been trying for a while to grasp at the steering wheel of the Democratic Party with their tiny, clawed hands, but, if they get control of that Yugo, they'll send it off a cliff post haste. Thus, I had my crack research staff look into the crazies so that even the Democratic leadership will know:

FUN FACTS ABOUT DUMMIES AND KOSKIDS

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Rating: 2.7/5 (13 votes cast)

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November 27, 2005
Know Thy Enemy: Cats
Posted by Laurence Simon at 07:00 PM

Well, it's time for The Carnival of the Cats, but what do you really know about that furry little beast that you leave in your home unsupervised for nine to twelve hours a day while you slave away at a keyboard earning barely enough money to pay for their food, vet bills, and toys they ignore while still having to clean up after them?

That doesn't sound like domesticated household pet or friendly companion. It sounds more like a cruel, domineering master who has enslaved you in its claws. So, I had my crack research team find all they can about cats…

FUN FACTS ABOUT CATS

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Rating: 2.8/5 (24 votes cast)

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November 08, 2005
Know Thy Enemy: Riots
Posted by Frank J. at 11:59 AM

The riots in France have gone on for 12 nights. It's gotten so bad, that Jacques Chirac decided to actually mention it. Also, they now have a curfew (no mindless destruction after hours). Riots can always be a problem, so I had my crack research team find all they can about riotousness.

FUN FACTS ABOUT RIOTS

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Rating: 2.3/5 (16 votes cast)

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October 31, 2005
IMAO Guide to Spooky Creatures
Posted by Frank J. at 11:22 AM

There is a lot in the world that is spooky, so here's a quick guide to all the spooky things out there. For simplicity, I marked creatures that, if they bite you, you become one with a "(B)".

* DEMON: Powerful evil entity closely related to the devil. Not easily defeated by mortal man, but you might as well try some buckshot if you encounter one. If that doesn't work, kick it in the shins. If that doesn't work, then I'm outta ideas.

* DEVIL: Fallen angles; minions of Satan. They'll try to get you to do evil stuff, so don't listen to them. Or ask for cash payment up front.

* GHOSTS: Ghosts are the souls of the departed trapped in this world. In their despair and anger, they will lash out against humans, sometimes even throwing objects as poltergeists. Since they are not corporeal, no medication works on them. Ways of handling ghosts are blasting them with a beam from a proton pack or, lacking that, sucking them up in a vacuum. You can also have a priest come over and exorcise the spirits, but he'll probably want dinner.

* GHOUL: A ghoul is kinda like a ghost but... well... I'm not sure what a ghoul is. If you think something is a ghoul, don't touch it.

* HARPY: Female woman with bird features. May claw or nag you to death. Try buying it flowers.

* HILLARY CLINTON: May be a witch, a harpy, a devil, or lesser demon that (somewhat) conceals its horrible visage. Best way to defeat one is not to vote for her.

* MONKEY: Looks like a little furry human. Will try to bite you. Destroy with fire. (B)

* VAMPIRE: The ultimate undead. Will try to drink your blood (may have you fill out a form about whether you've ever been to the UK or Africa first). Can be stunned with holy water or sharp kick to the groin. Can be killed by sunlight, so the best way to defeat one is to screw with its alarm clock. (B)

* WEREWOLF: Half man, half wolf. Only dangerous when there is a full moon. Can be killed with a silver bullet. Gold and platinum bullets also work, but the cost of slugs is completely impractical. (B)

* WITCH: Usually considered evil and should be killed by burning, but the Harry Potter books have made them popular. Destroy those books by burning.

* WRAITH: Like a ghost, but meaner. Throwing rocks at it does nothing. Try a high powered fan. If that doesn't work, then high powered negotiations.

* ZOMBIE: Really been in vogue lately, so watch out. They are the walking undead, and like to eat human flesh or brains or something. Whatever they want, you ain't gonna like it. Methods of killing them vary, but a shotgun to the head always works in a pinch (their heads, not yours). (B)

* YETI: Large beast that eats traveler in the Himalayas. Best way to defeat one, stay out of the frigg'n Himalayas.

Well, that's all the spooky creatures I can think of; if you can think of others, put them in the comments.

Rating: 2.4/5 (10 votes cast)

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October 20, 2005
Know Thy Enemy: Bird Flu
Posted by Frank J. at 12:56 PM

With the ginormous hurricane Wilma heading my way, I'm really worried about bird flu. Who wants bird flu when you have a hurricane to deal with? Thus, I had my crack research team find out all they can about the flu of birds.

FUN FACTS ABOUT BIRD FLU

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Rating: 2.4/5 (19 votes cast)

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October 03, 2005
Know Thy Enemy Supreme Court Nominee: Harriet Miers
Posted by Frank J. at 11:30 AM

Well, so far no one seems to like Bush's new pick for the Supreme Court, Harriet Miers. I even went to DU trying to hope they picked up on something conservative she said to shake their tiny fists about in impotent rage, but all they were able to come up with was "cronyism." Well, since Miers was not a judge and doesn't have a record to go by, I had my crack research staff look up what they could that might indicate the kind of judge Harriet Miers will be. Most of it is quite disheartening, though.

FUN FACTS ABOUT HARRIET MIERS

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Rating: 1.8/5 (9 votes cast)

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September 20, 2005
Frank Hurricane Preparedness Tips
Posted by Frank J. at 11:11 AM

"What's with all the hurricanes?" you're probably asking, "And why isn't the U.S. government stopping them?" Well, hurricanes are a global problem, and thus the U.N. should take care of them. We could do it for them, but then the U.N. will never learn responsibility.

As for what causes hurricanes, some say global warming. The only way to prove this, though, is to heat some sort of globe in a lab and see what happens. This would require a globe heating device - something you'll only find in bad science fiction. Thus, we just have to accept that hurricanes happen and we don't know why (though it probably has to do with there being so many gays in Miami).

Since we can't stop hurricanes, all we can do is prepare for them. I had previously written a Know Thy Enemy: Hurricanes, but now I want to focus exclusively on what you can do to prepare for and survive a hurricane. Thus, I wrote a neato guide.

FRANK HURRICANE PREPAREDNESS TIPS

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Rating: 2.8/5 (33 votes cast)

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August 01, 2005
Know Thy Enemy: Ants
Posted by Frank J. at 11:54 AM

This weekend, I tried to pull out all the weeds in my front yard so my HOA wouldn't yell at me. But, after pulling out a certain weed patch, I uncovered an ant nest, and they attacked me and everything.

IN MY OWN YARD!

Now I have itchy bumps on my hand that itch. To help others, I sent my crack research team to find out all they can about the diabolical ant.

FUN FACTS ABOUT ANTS

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Rating: 2.7/5 (8 votes cast)

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July 21, 2005
Know Thy Enemy: The Patriot Act
Posted by Frank J. at 11:51 AM

The Patriot Act is up for renewal. It's been controversial for a long time, but many people still don't know the facts about it. Thus, as a service to you, the public, I sent my crack research team to find out all they can about the Patriot Act.

FUN FACTS ABOUT THE PATRIOT ACT

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Rating: 2.3/5 (8 votes cast)

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June 14, 2005
Know Thy Enemy: Amnesty International
Posted by Frank J. at 11:36 AM

Amnesty International has been pestering the greatest country in the universe - America - for some time, so I sent my crack research staff to find out what they can about that strange organization.

FUN FACTS ABOUT AMNESTY INTERNATIONAL

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Rating: 2.1/5 (7 votes cast)

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May 04, 2005
Know Thy Enemy: Senator Harry Reid
Posted by Frank J. at 12:02 PM

Since Harry Reid is the new minority leader in the Senate, I thought it best we learn something about him. While he seems like quite a boring person on the surface, he's actually even more boring the deeper you dig. Still, I had my crack research team compile all they could find into:

FUN FACTS ABOUT SENATOR HARRY REID

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Rating: 2.7/5 (13 votes cast)

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April 13, 2005
Know Thy Enemy: Taxes
Posted by Frank J. at 10:56 AM

Taxes are due Friday. I still haven't done mine, but I have my CPA fiancée to help me get it done and submitted online. Others aren't so lucky, and thus I sent my crack research team to find out as much as they can about taxes.

FUN FACTS ABOUT TAXES

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Rating: 2.8/5 (13 votes cast)

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March 28, 2005
Know Thy Enemy: Fleas
Posted by Frank J. at 01:15 PM

My proposal to SarahK was almost ruined when we found that our cats were miserable with fleas that Saturday morning. Sydney, who is usually a mute, made the loudest monkey squeak I ever heard her make when I left her alone for a moment while she dealt with the fleas (it sounded like, "EEEEEeee!!!"). Luckily, we calmed the problem down enough that we were able to have our eventful dinner, and, to help others, I sent my crack research staff to find out as much as they can about fleas.

FUN FACTS ABOUT FLEAS

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Rating: 2.3/5 (12 votes cast)

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March 17, 2005
Know Thy Enemy: The Irish
Posted by Frank J. at 10:09 AM

Top 'o the morning to ya! Today's Saint Patty's day which means its time for getting drunk, getting in fights, and breaking ceasefire agreements with the British. Now, I'm half Irish myself, and, as such, am quite a jovial, dangerous fellow. Others around you may be Irish, too. So what do you do if you encounter an Irishman? Well, I sent my crack research staff to find out all they can about the Irish.

FUN FACTS ABOUT THE IRISH

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Rating: 2.0/5 (12 votes cast)

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February 17, 2005
Know Thy Enemy: Blogs
Posted by Frank J. at 09:16 AM

There are these things called blogs out there run by salivating morons who work in lynch mobs to bring people down regardless of the facts. This seems like a dangerous new phenomenon, so I had my crack research staff find out all they could about blogs.

FUN FACTS ABOUT BLOGS

* The blog was invented by Edgar K. Blog in the 80's in attempt to spread lies for the sole purposes of evil. At the time, only two other people were reading the internet, but most experts say he was responsible for Black Friday.

* Blogs can simply turn on you at anytime for any reason. They attack without thought or provocation. Thus, make sure to always stay away from them and to disparage them in the media.

* A blog will use a dark art called the "hyperlink" to "link" to what you say in an attempt to slander you. If you see any blog using a hyperlink against you, immediately contact law enforcement to get them to stop.

* If you see a geeky looking male or a slutty looking female in front of a laptop, he or she could be a blogger. Don't make eye contact or say anything in front of them or they will destroy you.

* On September 11th, bloggers spread rumors about some sort of terrorist attack leading to a war with Iraq so bloggers could get more oil - a raw material essential for blogging.

* Bloggers are particularly depraved individuals. One infamous blogger was caught putting puppies in blenders to make smoothies. He now has to do community service as punishment which he fulfills by murdering hobos.

* They say the shift in information by blogger lies was so great that it actually moved the earth leading to the recent tsunami.

* Be careful of letting your daughters read blogs. Some are known to use ploys called "T-Shirt Babe Contests" to lead unsuspecting women into their lairs.

* The only reason people blog is for the money which the so called “blogosphere” is full of. It is estimated that, by 2010, 90% of people will blog instead of work causing the destruction of the worldwide economy.

* Blogs can often appear as other types of website that have real information instead of lies. If you suspect you're reading a blog, immediately smash your monitor with hammer.

* If it's an LCD, cutting the screen should work too.

* I haven’t really tried that; it just feels like material you should be able to cut.

* In a fight between blogs and Aquaman, blogs would keep hounding Aquaman about supposed statements he made at Davos about U.S. troops deliberately targeting fish until he was forced to resign from his job at CNN.

* If you are part of the mainstream media, blogs will keep demanding facts and objectivity from you. Don't give in! If you cede to this demand, who knows what they'll ask for next!

* If under attack by bloggers, stop, drop, and roll. Just make sure there isn't a blogger with a digital camera nearby or he'll probably make a big deal out of it.

* If blogs continue in their present march of destruction, the regular media will fall and you'll get all your information from what some guy named "Phil" can hack out during his coffee break. Even the greatest minds in science fiction could not imagine such a dystopic future.

Rating: 2.9/5 (21 votes cast)

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February 09, 2005
Know Thy Enemy: Iran
Posted by Frank J. at 08:55 AM

It looks like Iran could be next on the list for getting "democratic reforms," if you know what I mean. Thus, I had my crack research staff find out all they can about the country.

FUN FACTS ABOUT IRAN

* Iran is part of the Axis of Evil along with North Korea and Diet Pepsi.

* Iraq was once part of the Axis of Evil but is now part of the Axis of Happy Fun Democracies.

* According to the CIA World Factbook, Iran is slightly larger than Alaska. Who the hell do they think they are? Well, a few bombs should take care of that.

* Iran is one of the leaders in state sponsored terrorism, helping Hezbollah, Hamas, and the ACLU.

* We have sanctions against them because of that, but most of the radical Islamists don't want a Big Mouth Billy Bass anyway.

* The main diet of Iranians is canned corn and grape soda as dictated in the Koran.

* Iran was taken over by an evil Ayatollah and the clerics in 1979 while taking a number of Americans hostages. Carter, the most inept world leader in the history of mankind, handled this ineptly, but the hostages were still released when Reagan took office.

* Iran pretends to have democracy, but is really ruled by Iran's clerics. The advantage is, if you think you messed up on the butterfly ballot, it doesn't really matter.

* Many of the youth in Iran desire real democratic reforms. Those crazy punk kids and their desire for democratic reforms.

* When the dictatorship is finally toppled, the clerics will probably exclaim, "We would have gotten away with our theocratic, Islamic rule if it weren't for you meddling kids!"

* Because of the supreme Islamic rule, if you suspect you are in Iran, whatever you do, don't piss on a Koran.

* In a fight between Aquaman and Iran, Aquaman would get taken hostage and have to be rescued by the other Super Friends as usual... unless they finally got tired of rescuing his ass.

* Iran, much like Japan, rhymes with Suzanne.

* If you ever find yourself face to face with an Iranian cleric, don't panic. Instead, get him in a headlock and yank on his beard.

* Much like the hippopotamus, Iranian clerics have a four-chambered heart.

* War with Iran would be an easy follow up to Iraq since they're right next to each other and all you'd have to do is change one letter in the war plans.

* Iran has a big military with guns and tanks and planes... oh and bullets for the guns, so fighting them might take a day or two.

* Iran is trying to get their hands on nuclear weapons… but don't worry; we still have like thousands more than them.

* If we have to fight the people from Iran and they retreat - i.e., run - there has to be joke there somewhere.

* No, can't think of any.

Rating: 1.7/5 (13 votes cast)

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January 21, 2005
Know Thy Enemy: Social Security
Posted by Frank J. at 09:57 AM

I may still be sick, but it's my day-off, dammit, and I want to enjoy it by getting an oil change for my car. That didn't stop me from tasking my crack research team from finding out all they can about Social Security.

FUN FACTS ABOUT SOCIAL SECURITY

* FDR created Social Security in an attempt to destroy America. After Pearl Harbor, though, he found it was more popular to try and save America.

* FDR celebrated creating Social Security by having a smoke.

* He did not celebrate it by having a brisk jog.

* If he did jog, he would have been easily winded from the smoke.

* Social Security is founded on the principle, that, because some people won't save for retirement, all must be punished.

* The deduction from each paycheck for Social Security is listed as FICA or Med or some such crap. The reason they don't call the deduction "Money we're stealing for the so-called Social Security" is because that would be too long.

* That's the same reason they don't call the deduction "black hole from whence you'll never ever see your money again."

* If instead of the government taking the money you were allowed to take it and shove it up your ass, you'd get a better return on the money and not be quite as pissed off.

* I'm all faklempt. Social Security is neither social nor secure. Talk amongst yourselves.

* If you refuse to give the government your money and invest it for your own retirement, the government will send police to your home to shoot you... but it's for your own good.

* Social Security is often called the third rail of politics because to mention reforming it will cause the Democrats to lie that Republicans want to throw old people out on the street. Republicans really do want to throw old people out on the street, but the Democrats don't know that so they are lying.

* Old people are a solid voting block because they have absolutely nothing better to do. Hell, voting is the highlight of their year. Maybe if you just visited you parents or grandparents more at the retirement home, they wouldn't be so quick to vote to steal your money.

* Bush wants to make private accounts where some of your money would be privately invested and thus ensure you get it (if you live long enough). Democrats are against this because they haven't figured out a way to say "private accounts" such that it will scare old people.

* Right now they're putting a strong emphasis on the second syllable of "private," but it's still not that scary.

* In a fight between Social Security and Aquaman, Aquaman would die of a jellyfish sting way before he is old enough to receive payments.

* If you think Social Security is sneaking up behind you, quickly turn around and empty your gun in its direction and then throw your gun at it. It's going to steal all your money!

* If you are currently collecting Social Security, make sure the payment is correct, and, if not, go to the Social Security office and complain until you get every last red cent. It's not like you have anything better to do that make sure you steal all my money, you old geezer!

* IMAO would like to retract that last bullet point. We appreciate every old geezer who reads us.

Rating: 2.1/5 (14 votes cast)

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December 03, 2004
Know Thy Enemy: The United Nations
Posted by Frank J. at 11:35 AM

The United Nations has shown itself to be increasingly corrupt and an impediment to the United States of America (the best United States of all). Thus, I sent my crack research team to find out all they could about the U.N.

FUN FACTS ABOUT THE UNITED NATIONS

* The U.S. created the United Nations in 1945 in an effort to centralize pointless squabbling.

* The job of the U.N. is to make other nations feel like they have a say in things while the U.S. goes ahead and does whatever the hell it feels like.

* The U.N. has expanded its job to getting kickbacks for their members and hating Israel.

* Most of the voting in the U.N. is for non-binding resolutions that hold no weight. It's like internet polls with more Jew-hating.

* The main power in the U.N is held by the few members of the Security Council who can vote and have vetoes. For some strange reason, France has a permanent seat at that council. It's their last semblance of having any influence whatsoever in this world, and they guard it as protectively as Frenchmen can.

* The main job for the U.N. is "peacekeeping" which usually means "whining at the U.S."

* While the U.N. never actually stops massacres and genocide, it does have endless debate about them. And isn't that better than nothing?

* No, it is not.

* The U.N. is full of dictatorships who get to vote on issues. Voting for them is new, but they realize how much better hating the Jews is when you pass a full resolution.

* The U.N. headquarters is in N.Y. and is technically not U.S. property. If you beat up some U.N. guy, the U.N. police would be the ones to try and arrest you. All you would have to do is then step out of the building and they wouldn't have jurisdiction over you. Then you could tell a NY cop, "I just beat up a U.N. guy!" and he'd be like, "Cool!" Then the U.N. police would yell from their front door, "He beat up some guy here. You extradite him back into this building!" And the cop would answer, "No." Heh, that's funny.

* U.N. people have silly names like Boutros Boutros, Kofi, and Kojo to reinforce how useless they are. It's sad that some countries are so backwards they don't know those names are silly.

* Well, I guess it's not technically "sad" since I'm laughing.

* The U.N. sometimes holds councils in other countries on topics such as women's rights or the environment. Whatever the original topic is supposed to be, the main order of the day is always U.S. and Israel bashing.

* The U.N. has had some of the worst human rights offenders head their council on human rights. If they were told to guard a henhouse, they'd probably appoint a fox.

* U.N peacekeepers have blue helmets. While not strategic for camouflage, U.N. peacekeepers never do anything anyway, so they might as well have colorful helmets.

* If attacked by U.N. peacekeepers, find the portal out of the strange dimension you got yourself trapped in.

* When dealing with U.N. members, remember that their greediness is only matched by their cowardice. Try shaking them to get what you want.

* With such scandals as the Oil for Food program, the U.N. shows itself to be both inept and corrupt. On the other hand, its building is shiny.

* In a fight between U.N. and Aquaman, the U.N. would endlessly talk about deploying peacekeepers against Aquaman but never actually do it. Thus Aquaman would win by default. Yes, there is at least one entity in this world more impotent than Aquaman.

* While the U.S. dropping out of the U.N. would cripple the corrupt organization and save the U.S. money, it would make lots of whiny nations angry at us... which, come to think of it, isn't really a change.

* Plans for turning the U.N. headquarters into an IHOP are on the table, but nothing has been finalized.

Rating: 2.3/5 (19 votes cast)

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November 12, 2004
Ninja FAQ
Posted by Frank J. at 11:45 AM

Now that Bush is reelected and terrorism is handled, it's time to focus on other threats - such as ninjas!

NINJA FAQ

Q. Why an FAQ rather than a regular Know Thy Enemy™ format?
A. Because ninjas are extra troublesome and thus require the format of the revered FAQ!

Q. Does that mean no jokes at Aquaman's expense?
A. I'm sorry, but no.

Q. Isn't there already a definitive website on ninjas?
A. I believe that website is somewhat loose with the facts.

Q. So ninjas aren't mammals?
A. Don't put words in my mouth.

Q. Are ninjas Chinese or Japanese?
A. I dunno; they wear masks.

Q. What do ninjas eat?
A. Rice and turtle meat.

Q. I live in the Midwest; surely I don't have worry about ninjas.
A. WRONG! Ninjas are everywhere and just waiting to attack you. Also, that wasn't technically a question.

Q. How come I don't see any?
A. Because ninjas are good at stealth and hiding.

Q. I heard a strange noise behind me. Was that a ninja?
A. Probably.

Q. Can't I just shoot ninjas?
A. No, they dodge bullets.

Q. What if I have extra fast bullets?
A. They're still faster than those.

Q. What about Speedy Gonzales?
A. Ninjas are not faster than him.

Q. Why not have Speedy Gonzales fight all the ninjas then?
A. Because he has to shout "Andale, andale! Ariba, ariba! Eh-hah!" before being fast, giving ninjas plenty of time to hide.

Q. Is it true the government is working on a new, quieter version of Speedy Gonzales?
A. I can neither confirm nor deny that.

Q. How can I fight back against ninjas?
A. With kung fu skills.

Q. How long does it take to develop kung fu skills?
A. A lifetime.

Q. What if I only have a couple hours free?
A. It's better than nothing.

Q. I don't have time to become a kung fu master.
A. Then you better schedule time - to die!

Q. Aren't we by kung fu fighting ninjas just contributing to the cycle of violence?
A. Yeah. So?

Q. You're not supposed to ask questions.
A. I can do what I want.

Q. Isn't there a quicker easier way to defend against ninjas?
A. You could hire a wandering ronin.

Q. Are they all trustworthy?
A. Well, uh... carpe diem.

Q. Don't you mean "caveat emptor"?
A. Shut up.

Q. Is it true that ninjas poison their blades?
A. I'm not sure. Best not to get cut by them just in case.

Q. I'm worried about their throwing stars. What do I do?
A. Use your kung fu skills to dodge them. Alternatively, block them with a katana.

Q. What if the ninja is expecting me to dodge and thus throws a star not quite aimed at me? Aren't I better off then just standing still?
A. Now you’re just being silly.

Q. Can't I just build a big wall to protect me from ninjas?
A. Ninjas can climb walls.

Q. What about a moat?
A. Ninjas can jump far and will jump over your moat.

Q. What if it's a really wide moat?
A. That might work.

Q. Can monkeys be ninjas?
A. Maybe, but you should kill them anyway.

Q. I hear ninjas climb around in the rafters of buildings. Is that true?
A. Yes. Whenever entering a building, fire blindly into the rafters.

Q. I thought you said before they dodge bullets?
A. I say lots of things.

Q. Do ninjas hide in trees?
A. All the time, so cut down trees. No safe haven for ninjas!

Q. But I like forests.
A. Then you're a ninja sympathizer!

Q. Well, aren't there good ninjas?
A. Yes, dead ninjas... unless they become zombies.

Q. How do I fight zombie ninjas?
A. Now we're getting out of my scope of knowledge. Try a crucifix.

Q. A crucifix? That's your solution for everything supernatural!
A. Well I'm Catholic; what do you want?

Q. Can we even win the war against ninjas?
A. Ninjas have been around since the days of Noah, and they shall always be around. The best we can do is make attacking Americans so hard that they stick to attacking countries we don't care about.

Q. What countries don't we care about?
A. I can't name them because I never heard of them... which is part of the reason I don't care about them.

Rating: 2.5/5 (16 votes cast)

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October 19, 2004
Know Thy Enemy: The Flu
Posted by Frank J. at 08:44 AM

With the shortage of flu vaccines, I sent my crack research staff to find out all they can about the flu.

FUN FACTS ABOUT THE FLU

* The name flu comes from the word influenza which means "flu."

* Flu will just attack you for who you are with no regard to your stance on flu issues, much like terrorists.

* Flu is a virus and not technically classified as living, much like terrorists after they have had a run in with the U.S. military.

* If flu is after you, try running through streams to throw it off your track. You can also hide in a log. The flu never checks inside logs.

* Eventually you'll have to make a stand against the flu. Counter its spinning flu kick with your advancing tiger claw.

* Since Vitamin C helps fight infections, drink orange juice until you puke.

* If flu is after you, have it chase you into a building. Then, sneak out and lock the door and burn the building down. The flu couldn't have survived that... or could it!

* Flu can make you feel dizzy.

* Spinning around in a chair gives you flu.

* The reason flu hits at a particular time of year is because the flu union allows for excessive vacations. Stupid lazy flu!

* The main carrier of flu is monkeys. Kill monkeys.

* The flu can be deadly to the young or the elderly while only bothersome to the fit and healthy. At the same time, the fit and healthy can easily knock down the young and elderly and take their flu vaccines.

* I'm not getting a flu shot this year out of a combination that I'm physically fit and healthy and also lazy.

* Flu vaccines are made from a small flower that grows only once a year atop the fabled Mount Gilfindorf in England. Only one pure of heart can pluck the flower, but this year someone greedy took hold of it and it wilted. Thus we are short flu vaccines now... or so the legend goes.

* While it seems we should blame Britain for the flu vaccine shortage, it's easier to blame Canada since they are closer. Also, angry phone calls will cost less.

* Have you killed monkeys yet?

* If you don't have vaccine, fight off flu viruses with a bat. Remember, viruses are too small to see, so swing everywhere and smash everything!

* Symptoms of the flu are fever, vomiting, and your doctor saying, "You got the flu, dude!"

* Flu can fly. After it flies, you can say that flu flew. Did you know that as I knew?

* If you put lamb's blood on your doorsill, the flu will pass you over and infect your stupid neighbors. Ha!

* It's a myth that chicken soup helps cure the flu, but, if you hadn't read this, it would have a pleasant placebo effect. Sorry.

* In a fight between Aquaman and the flu, Aquaman would have to lie in bed for days and be even more useless than usual.

* You know those creaking sounds you hear at night? That's the flu coming for you! Run!

* The U.N. is busy trying to open talks with the flu. Soon, they should have some way of making kickbacks as it infects us.

* If you think you have the flu, you can test that out with a store bought flu test. Just vomit on the test wand, and, if the symbol turns purple, you have the flu. If it turns maroon, you're healthy. Or vice-versa.

* People with the flu may shuffle through the streets trying to give their flu to others in their delirium. Use regular zombie handling precautions for this.

* The main thing to know about fighting the flu is to not be such a crybaby. Who cares about the flu? There are people dying in some country right now I've never heard of nor care to know about, so consider yourself lucky.

Rating: 2.3/5 (9 votes cast)

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October 06, 2004
Know Thy Enemy: Halliburton
Posted by Frank J. at 06:59 AM

As we all know from the media, Cheney serves his master the corporation Halliburton, the most evil corporation there is. Thus I sent my crack research staff to find out all they can about Halliburton, and I even checked out the FactCheck.org site Cheney mentioned (my sister was the first one to tell me about that site; good silly sister). Here are the goods:

FUN FACTS ABOUT HALLIBURTON

* Halliburton gets its name from the last name of Lucifer Halliburton, prince of darkness.

* Halliburton the corporation was founded right after Adam and Eve were expelled from paradise and soon got a sole-source contract for building their house.

* The cross Christ was crucified on - all Halliburton. They had sole-source on that for the Romans.

* During the Dark Ages, Halliburton labored long and hard to find a way to pollute the world using the technology available, but ended up on just causing the crusades since they had the sole-source on chain mail and the pope was a former CEO of theirs.

* While Andrew Jackson was president, Halliburton was able to get a contract to randomly destroy forest and kill woodland creatures for no particular reason.

* In the 80's, Halliburton researched how to turn puppies into nuclear waste that they could then put in the water of school children.

* After Cheney became CEO, Halliburton made money by bulldozing orphanages in third world countries to make chemical weapons plants to use on kittens.

* Some are confused exactly what business Halliburton does. Its main products are pollution, hatred, death, and lawn furniture.

* Remember when you didn't get that toy you wanted for Christmas? It was because of Halliburton!

* In Iraq, Halliburton has a couple people instructed to bang a hammer against pieces of wood to pretend they're constructing something while the rest of the employees work on stealing all that sweet, sweet oil.

* Halliburton saves money on labor by using slave labor. They save money on slave drivers by just giving whips to angry gorillas.

* Know who canceled the original Star Trek? Halliburton!

* Halliburton contractors in Iraq have been instructed to strap Iraqi children to themselves to protect themselves from bullets.

* Halliburton holds the patents on strife, suffering, genocide, and pure evil.

* Despite seemingly cutting contact with Halliburton and its profits, Cheney gets a dollar from Halliburton each time an innocent civilian in Iraq is killed.

* In a fight between Aquaman and Halliburton, Aquaman would be bribed with a cushy job to not tell the press how Halliburton is dumping waste in the ocean (hey, the ocean is two thirds of the earth; where else are you supposed to dump waste?).

* In the movie Planet of the Apes, know who blew up the Statue of Liberty? Halliburton!

* Reliable polemic, government-controlled newspapers in the Middle East say that not only is Halliburton part of the Great Satan, it's also run by jooooos!

* Halliburton has gotten its pollution so efficient, it soon should be able to produce pure pollution without any commercial byproduct.

* Halliburton has done business with America's sworn enemies such as Libya, Iran, and France.

* It's in the Halliburton mission statement to put evil and the customer before profit.

Rating: 1.6/5 (16 votes cast)

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October 01, 2004
Know Thy Enemy: Volcanoes
Posted by Frank J. at 03:18 PM

Since it looks like Mt. Saint Helens is going to erupt again, I sent my crack research staff to find out all they could about volcanoes. Here is what they found:

FUN FACTS ABOUT VOLCANOES

* Volcanoes are like mountains... but with a gooey center!

* What a volcano kills most people with is its lava... or is it its smoke. Well, whatever it is, just stay the hell away from whatever comes out of a volcano.

* Lava is molten rock. You have to heat rock pretty high to melt it. Like, my oven can get pretty hot, but I still couldn't melt a rock... and I touched the rock that wasn't melted as was like, "Ow!" That's hot!

* Where lava comes from within the earth. If you dig a lot, after getting through the dirt, you'll hit hot magma. And then China.

* If you dig a hole that flows magma into China, the Chinese will get angry. Stupid Commies.

* Why is it so hot in the earth as to melt rock? I have no idea. Seems like someone must be doing something crazy down there. We better find out who... or what!

* Many islands have volcanoes. This is much more dramatic because then you can't just drive away from the slowly moving magma.

* Those island volcanoes are bigger than they look because much of them is under water. If I were them, I'd go to Mount Everest and be like, "Bitch, you ain't the tallest mountain! You just the tallest thing that don't happen to be partially under water, foo'!"

* To stop a volcano, throw a virgin in it. Sluts only make it angrier.

* You can also use up a volcano's lava supply by causing a bunch of volcanoes around it to go off. Ha!

* You could also try throwing some ice in it. Wouldn't hurt.

* If the volcano you see is hollowed out, look out for evil geniuses.

* If you see a lava flow coming towards you, jump! Maybe it will cool to regular harmless rock before you hit the ground.

* In a fight between a volcano and Aquaman, the results of the fight wouldn't be known until ten thousand years later when Aquaman's remains are unearthed from the rock.

* If you think you see an erupting volcano, call the police. Someone should know about it.

* Whatever you do, don’t let your kids play on a volcano’s edge… unless it has railing.

* The site of Yellowstone National Park was once a giant volcano. If that ever goes off again, expect park services to ask for more money. They’re always asking for more money.

Rating: 2.9/5 (7 votes cast)

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September 29, 2004
Know Thy Enemy: Coral vs. King Snake
Posted by Frank J. at 12:41 PM

On Monday, since I still didn't have any power, I decided to take down some storm windows to let some light in my house. After laying one of the metal sheets on the ground, a brightly colored creature crawled out from under it. It was a snake colored red, yellow, and black. I knew it was either the venomous coral snake or the harmless king snake, but forgot how to tell the difference. I vowed then and there that, once I learned how to tell them apart, I would make sure to never forget again.

I decided the best way to remember things, despite my poor singing abilities, was a song. So, that night, after getting info from SarahK, by candlelight I wrote a song about it.

Want to hear it?

Here it goes...

Coral vs. King Snake Song

Rating: 2.9/5 (39 votes cast)

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September 14, 2004
Know Thy Enemy: The Mainstream Media
Posted by Frank J. at 06:45 AM

As the presidential election nears, the mainstream media is becoming increasingly more volatile and dangerous. Thus I sent out my crack research staff to find out as much as they can about those who tell us all we know.

FUN FACTS ABOUT THE MAINSTREAM MEDIA

* The mainstream media is known in the blogosphere as MSM which stands for Magnus Stultus Medius.

* Many say the MSM is highly liberal biased, a charge easily proven by watching it.

* Apparently there is some curse on the media where, if they ever actually admit they're biased, they'll instantly die.

* Liberal bias of the mainstream media dates back to the Revolutionary War when the papers claimed the conflict was all about oil.

* Watching an hour of network news destroys as many brain cells as a case of beer.

* If approached by the MSM, don't make any sudden movements or they'll misrepresent you.

* In cable news, CNN is left leaning while FOX News is right leaning. The leanings of MSNBC is unknown since no one watches it.

* When the MSM quotes an anonymous source, that's a codeword for "It's a slow news day, so we needed to make crap up."

* It's not like interesting stuff happens every single day; if there's nothing to report, just show a rerun of Hogan's Heroes.

* Also, the word "expert" is a codeword for "some guy we found who agrees with our viewpoint."

* Bill O'Reilly has gained huge popularity in the media for actually asking tough questions to guests... and then telling them to shut up.

* The New York Times used to be a respected newspaper, but now it's a partisan rag that's reportedly no longer any good for even wrapping fish.

* And, as big as the New York Times is, you think they could fit in Dilbert somewhere.

* If news anchors are sitting behind a desk, they're most likely not wearing pants.

* Members of the MSM, when threatened with contradicting facts, will inhale air to puff themselves up in an attempt to scare away enemies.

* Every time I see Michael Moore he seems to be trying to scare away enemies.

* If ever asked questions by the MSM, say, "No comment." The best they can distort that to is "Comment no."

* For the longest time, the main news was on at 6pm. This is because members of the MSM are cold-blooded and need to spend the day sunning themselves on a rock.

* If a reporter grabs your leg in an attempt to get an exclusive, you may have to gnaw it off to escape.

* Better yet, gnaw off his arms.

* What do you call a reporter with no arms and no legs hanging on the wall...

* The MSM is always reporting about the poor and on human interest stories, but they never talk about the things regular people care about such as which monkeys are most flammable.

* Weekly World News just makes up most of its stories (batboy!). This makes its main difference from other newspapers in that it’s actually entertaining to read.

* If there is a breaking news story and new information isn't available, the MSM will trot out people to speculate about the story. The way this is different from you and your cousin Skeeter guessing about what's happening is that the MSM people are better dressed.

* If you're at an event and someone claims to be from the MSM, ask for his press pass. When he shows it to you, quickly grab it and then run away while giggling like a school girl.

* Dan Rather suffers from nine different mental illnesses (I have documents to back that up authenticated by experts), and what appear to be folksy sayings are just his insane ramblings. No one will fire him, though, out of fear of being beaten to death with a sack of hammers.

* BTW, the frequency is 2.4 GHz, Kenneth, similar to that of a microwave.

* While many in MSM act like they're fulfilling some sacred duty in their news reporting, in reality they'd fill their news show with dancing go-go girls if they thought it would improve ratings.

* If anyone starts a news show that's filled with dancing go-go girls, they're stealing my idea!

* There are some right-leaning sources of information such as the Wall Street Journal, the Washington Times, and the average American.

* Many people find being dogged by the media a quite stressful experience, but one can get the media off their back by something as simple as a Molotov cocktail.

* With the advent of forged documents, this will decrease the news cycle on alleged political scandals because now the MSM can "prove" or "disprove" them at will. This will leave more time to cover trials of our ever more dangerous celebrities.

* Nowadays, many people's main source of news is late night humor shows. Ironically, many people's main source of stupid pet tricks is now the daily news.

* Some news organizations are considering replacing their anchors with jumping screeching monkeys. This would keep T.V. news about as informative and accurate, but reduce the perceived bias.

* In a fight between Aquaman and the mainstream media, the media would misquote all of Aquaman's fish friends and ruin his reputation. Aquaman would then go on a drinking binge, eventually becoming a full blown alcoholic. He'll hit rock bottom when he has to be rescued by a lifeguard in a public swimming pool. That will finally convince Aquaman to go to rehab. After that, he'll continue to go to AA meetings every week while lecturing about the evils of alcohol at schools. After being ten years sober, he'll die after getting hit by a schooner. The New York Times will only mention the unproven scandals in his obituary.

* The lederhosen-wearing MSM is quite disdainful of us pajama-wearing bloggers.

* The eventual goal of the MSM is to move from simple propaganda disguised as news to direct mind control.

* In the end, the blogosphere will topple the MSM. Then will start the great blog wars, in which most blogs will be eliminated. Left in the wake of destruction will now be a single man who will disseminate all news to the world while he sits on his dark throne drinking his puppy.

Rating: 1.9/5 (10 votes cast)

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August 02, 2004
Know Thy Enemy: Democrats
Posted by Frank J. at 08:32 PM

Who gave the Democrats a national convention? Well, before their crazy ideas can spread too far, I sent my crack research team to find all they can about the dreaded Crat’s of Dem.

FUN FACTS ABOUT DEMOCRATS

* Democrats chose the donkey as their symbol because the Democrat base smells as bad as one and has the same verbal skills. In the donkey's defense, it's smart enough to understand a butterfly ballot.

* The name Democrat comes from the combination of "demo" - which means "demonic" - and "crat" - which is a term for something unidentifiable which you scrape off your shoe.

* If your skin pigmentation is dark enough, you may be legally required to vote for Democrats.

* Democrats are big into class warfare. They also are for gun control which has caused the deadliest firearms to be too expensive except for the rich to buy. So, if class warfare ever goes to blows, it won't last long.

* No matter what legislation the Republicans propose, the Democrats call it "just a tax cut for the rich." When Republicans proposed to free the slaves, Democrats called it "just a tax cut for the rich."

* The base of the Democratic part is thought to be angry, drunken dwarves, but they may in fact be gnomes.

* Plus some are pixies or something similar.

* Though there are more registered Democrats, they don't vote as much as Republicans percentage-wise because of their tendency to be distracted by shiny things.

* Democrats have lost most of the men's vote because they're a bunch of girlie men. Don't tell them that, though, because they'll cry.

* Democrats are always trying to get into your wallet to spend money on their wacky ideas. If you see a Democrat near your wallet, hit him on the head with a rolled up newspaper. You have to catch him in the act or he'll never learn.

* To do better in elections, many Democrats are trying to allow felons to vote. Next on their agenda: Allowing foreign terrorists to vote.

* Trial lawyers can and do vote for Democrats... probably for the same reason convicted felons and terrorists would.

* While the Democratic leadership is currently devoid of any real leadership or substance, they may try and make up for that with important-looking hair.

* Some Democrats may have served in Vietnam. You can find out which ones by seeing who tells you that fact over and over and over.

* And over and over and over.

* Many Democrats intensely hate Bush because it's easier than confronting the irrelevancy of their ideas. It’s funny to dump a bucket of cold water on them and hear them blame Haliburton.

* If you're plagued by Democrats, they can be scared away with snakes, guns, or concepts of individual responsibility.

* Bill Clinton, who cost the Democrats their majorities in the House, Senate, and Governorships while he was president, is still venerated by Democrats because... uh... I guess they're just frick'n retards.

* Democrats will often visit maternity wards and shake their fists angrily at all those who escaped the wrath of choice.

* Democrats are secretly trying to destroy capitalism. If you see a Democrat near capitalism and looking suspicious, immediately report him to the police.

* You can't set fire to Democrats without a permit.

* In a fight between Democrats and Aquaman, Aquaman would be slurred by an NAACP ad that links him to lynching.

* Every so often Democrats will roam the countryside eating everything in sight before plunging into the sea. That might be called "Earth Day."

* The Democrats have built a giant statue in tribute to Michael Moore which eyes glow red, shoots fire out of its ass, and constantly demands tributes of ham.

* Or maybe that is just Michael Moore wearing a gray sweat suit. Whatever it is, don't let it fall on you because it's heavy.

* Democrats are convinced Bush lied about something. They're not sure what... but they know it's something! Come on; Clinton lied all the time... Bush must have lied at least once!

* The foreign policy ideals of the Democrats involve waiting for the mighty France to approve anything they plan on doing. This should allow them to snap into action about the time half the earth is destroyed by radical Islamists.

* Every time someone votes for a Democrat, baby Jesus cries.

Rating: 2.2/5 (11 votes cast)

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July 22, 2004
Know Thy Enemy: Black Holes
Posted by Frank J. at 08:23 AM

Stephen Hawking has revamped the theory of black holes, finally solving the paradox that black holes seemingly destroy information.

Now I can finally sleep nights again.

So what do you do if you happen to run into a black hole? Well, I sent out my crack research staff to find out as much as they can about black holes so you can be prepared.

FUN FACTS ABOUT BLACK HOLES

* A black hole is made by the combination of "black" and "hole."

* Gravity is also involved.

* The name "black hole" is somewhat of misnomer; they're more of a dark gray.

* They say that black holes are so dense that not even light can escape them - but that's just black hole propaganda to scare you.

* Hawking now says that, instead of destroying data, a black hole will eventually spit it out in a mangled form - much like shoving a classified document down your pants and then later pulling it out again.

* Many galaxies have a massive black hole at their center, so try to stay near the edges of the galaxy to be on the safe side.

* If you think you see a black hole, don't touch it. Instead, contact the authorities. You can throw a rock at it if you feel like it.

* Just because a hole is black doesn't mean it's a "black hole." Check if the hole has a strong gravitational force that rends your atoms apart for confirmation.

* They say that once you cross the event horizon of a black hole there's no escape - but that just sounds like loser talk to me.

* Whatever is sucked into a black hole is crushed down into an infinitely small point called a singularity. You can't beat that for convenient storage.

* Black holes will suck anything into them... except for Jews because they're virulently anti-Semitic.

* If a black hole tells you its okay to come a little closer, it's a trick! You're near the event horizon!

* You can throw a penny into a black hole and make a wish, but then Greenpeace will be on your case for disturbing pristine wilderness.

* The laws of physics fall apart as one is pulled into a black hole, so, whatever you do, don't take a physics test while descending into a black hole or you'll totally fail.

* If you think you are being sucked into a black hole, stop, drop, and roll. That might help distract you from the unimaginable destruction you're about to experience.

* When you cross the event horizon (point of no return) of a black hole, you'll notice no discernable difference. Outside observers, though, will be like, "That guy is totally screwed! Let's get lunch."

* A black hole can't even be destroyed if we launched nuclear missiles at it. I don't know if anyone has tried hitting it with a hammer.

* In a fight between a black hole and Aquaman, the ways in which Aquaman would die are just too numerous to list.

* The first time a star collapsed into a black hole, God was like, "Oh man, I like must have totally screwed up my calculations somewhere." He won't admit to that now.

* If a black hole is acting like it's "all that,” flip it the bird while saying, "Collapse this into a singularity!" That'll show it.

* Hawking has dispelled the belief that black holes are a portal to another dimension. Instead, what lies in them is much less interesting: cyborg alien ninjas who will kick you in the head for all eternity. And free ice cream.

* One day I hope to harness the power of black holes to suck into them all the people I disagree with. Some might say this will end political discussion, but I never liked political discussion - that's why I'm talking about black holes.

Rating: 2.4/5 (19 votes cast)

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June 28, 2004
Know Thy Enemy: Michael Moore
Posted by Frank J. at 06:36 AM

Michael Moore is fat. Oh, and he also had the number one movie over the weekend with his new propaganda piece, Fahrenheit 9/11, about how Bush is not a good president or something or other. I hope he really gets Bush on not controlling spending at home. Anyway, I had my crack research staff work overtime finding out all the facts about the fascinating piece of work known as Michael Moore.

FUN FACTS ABOUT MICHAEL MOORE

* He's fat.

* He's ugly.

* He's fat and ugly.

* He corpulent... which means fat.

* He compares unfavorably to a baboon’s butt in both appearance and smell.

* Michael Moore has the uncanny ability to cause burst of hatred in otherwise rational people - that fat, fat, ugly, smelly man!

* Michael Moore had a trouble childhood as he grew up without parents... since he ate them.

* Michael Moore was raised by a family of gorillas in the zoo until they could no longer stand either his smell or personality.

* Some say Michael Moore is a (poorly) shaved wookie, but wookies take offense at that.

* It's a myth that Michael Moore never bathes... he just does it nacho cheese sauce.

* John Candy died soon after appearing in Canadian Bacon. It is unknown how many other people Michael Moore's films have killed.

* Though a millionaire, Michael Moore is often stopped on the streets by hobos who offer him hygiene advice.

* Whether Michael Moore is fat and ugly because of his views or he got his views by being fat and ugly is under academic debate.

* The reason Michael Moore always wears a baseball cap is to keep in his pulsating brain which is a mixture of neurons and hog fat.

* Someone is making a documentary about Michael Moore, but I believe there already was one. I think it was called The Blob.

* Michael Moore doubles in size every one and a half years. This is referred to as "Moore's Law."

* Michael Moore's new movie, Fahrenheit 9/11, gives irrational Bush haters even more irrational reasons to hate Bush.

* As for people who are rational and don't hate Bush, any attempt by Michael Moore to convert them to drooling idiots is undone by him appearing on screen causing people to shout, "Who is that fat, fat ugly man? Whatever views he has, I want the opposite!"

* Michael Moore had a T.V. series, T.V. Nation, for a while which had a cool theme song... though not cool enough to distract from how fat and ugly Michael Moore is. Thus it was soon canceled.

* Though he says he's a socialist, the way he makes millions by exploiting the ignorance and venom of angry lefties is extremely capitalistic. Makes me wish I were a fat, ugly, lying, sack of...

* If he ever lost all his money though (probably spending it all on pork rinds) and became a hobo, how could anyone tell?

* Bowling for Columbine was a film all about guns, yet someone Michael Moore never took a bullet in a shooting accident... perhaps evidence that God doesn't love us.

* Then again, if Moore were to burn in hell, the fuel costs on frying that fat man would soon bankrupt the underworld, causing all the evil demons within to have to find jobs elsewhere... probably stealing them from our hardworking illegal immigrants.

* Fat and ugly, that man.

* The diet of the Michael Moore is globs of fat, mugs of grease, and small children.

* Michael Moore is frightened by healthy vegetables, facts, and three-headed zombie monsters. If you ever encounter him, scare him away with one of those.

* When Michael Moore wraps all his lies and distortions into a film he calls a "documentary," he gets lots of awards from Hollywood types, who, though not necessarily as fat and ugly, are quite stupid.

* Michael Moore's smell is a natural protection, as even a rabid animal isn't crazy enough to put its mouth around something with a stench like that.

* In a fight between Michael Moore and Aquaman, Michael Moore would hound Aquaman for an interview who would then hide in his Aqualair and ignore the fat, annoying man. Good for Aquaman.

* Finally giving up, Michael Moore would then fry and eat many of Aquaman's fish friends. Poor Aquaman.

* I once thought it would be funny to put a baseball cap on a pile of manure, get a picture of me standing next to it, and then show it saying I met Michael Moore, but I gave up the idea since I don't own a baseball cap.

* Michael Moore has a bunch of lawyers to sue anyone who tells the truth about him (namely that he is fat and ugly) for libel. Bring it on, fatty!

* BTW, if you would like to donate to the Frank J. legal defense fund, click on either the Amazon of PayPal link on the sidebar.

* Liberals and Conservatives often get into lengthy arguments about the merits of Michael Moore's political views, but so far there has been no good rebuttal to the fact that he is a fat, ugly, unshaven, smelly man, and I suspect there never will be.

Rating: 1.6/5 (15 votes cast)

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June 22, 2004
Know Thy Enemy: Bill Clinton
Posted by Frank J. at 06:40 AM

Bill Clinton's memoir My Life is out today, but, knowing him, I doubt you'll get all the facts. So here is what my crack research team could find about our 42nd:

FUN FACTS ABOUT BILL CLINTON

* He was born William Jefferson Blithe, but had to change is name to escape from the law after a series liquor store robberies in Hot Springs.

* They say Clinton's stepfather was abusive, but, come on, tell me you never thought of taking a swing at him.

* Clinton was a Rhodes Scholar, going overseas to better learn to be an arrogant prick.

* There have been many bad rumors about Clinton, but, according to him, he never inhaled the draft and did not dodge marijuana.

* Before you make fun of Clinton's "not inhaling excuse", know he can hold is breath for ten minutes. Can you think of anyone else who can do that?

* Clinton marched in Russia to protest the Vietnam War which is much unlike marching with al Qaeda to protest the war in Iraq because al Qaeda would probably march in a warmer climate.

* The courting of Hillary and Bill is a romantic story as old as time: too much liquor while in Vegas.

* Hillary married Clinton to use his power to eventually see her lesbian conspiracy to fruition in which all men will eventually be emasculated and enslaved... at least according to some crazy guy who used to hang near my college.

* Their daughter Chelsea ended up being quite smart, learning to write at an early age. This made the Clintons very happy, because it allowed her to sign a non-disclosure agreement.

* Clinton was elected governor of Arkansas because he quote "talked purty."

* When Clinton's pick-up line of "Hey, baby, I'm the governor of Arkansas" started to wear thin, he set his sights on higher political ambitions.

* Bill Clinton chose Al Gore as his running mate because... uh... hell, I don't remember why he chose that freak show.

* Some say that Clinton's story is an inspirational one, showing that, in American, even a fat, lecherous hillbilly can one day be president.

* I stole that previous joke from an old David Letterman top ten list... but I’m pretty sure he once stole from me!

* The famous Clinton lip-biting is a method he developed to keep from cracking up when faking sincerity.

* Bill Clinton seemed to have special appeal with women (he wouldn't have been elected either time without their vote). My opinion of this as a man is that women are crazy. Always expecting us to know what you're thinking and voting for Clinton - crazy women!

* Some say Clinton is a vampire, while others say he's a hillbilly. Either way, he's vulnerable to a stake through the heart.

* That previous item shouldn't be construed as a threat. It's wrong to threaten a president of the United States of America. I believe its okay to threaten who voted for him, though.

* Those who voted for Clinton should fear vengeance from a mysterious one know simply as "The J".

* Clinton had a number of close run ins while president, the White House being shot at twice, a plane was crashed into the White House grounds, his Secret Service getting fed up and pounding him three times, and Hillary attacking him at least six-hundred times.

* Clinton was never quite the liberal many of his supporters wanted him to be as he signed some policies that involved common sense.

* Clinton is a huge fan of the McDonald's Big Mac and even tried to get Mayor McCheese on his cabinet.

* Clinton prefers the chubby women 'cause they "got so much luvin to give."

* Clinton provided a huge economic boost by scaring the public into voting in a Republican majority... a benefit that lasts to this day.

* During Clinton's presidency, the economy improved, the sun rose every single day, and the earth made eight trips around the sun... all he takes credit for.

* Clinton was much beloved by foreigners... and you see the dinguses they elect.

* To get back at bin Laden, Clinton launched some cruise missiles killing many camels. Since then, camels have been too scared to have any dealings with al Qaeda.

* In all of Clinton's T.V. statements while seated at his desk in the oval office, he was not wearing pants.

* Most people would not be surprised by that last one.

* Janet Reno, Clinton's third liberal, female choice for Attorney General, was won over when Clinton removed a thorn from her paw.

* Some say Clinton is a huge liar, while other say he is not... but they're lying!

* Clinton is banned from all the strip clubs in D.C. for being too grabby.

* Some say a electing a chimp to president would have led to less disgrace to the Oval Office... as long as he wore a diaper.

* You know some liberal is going to read that last one and say, "We just did!" and then quickly follow up with, "Except he was selected, not elected!" followed by, "No Blood for Oil!" Stupid hippies.

* Like the cougar, Clinton can swim for short distances.

* If you're a woman and are approached by Bill Clinton, know that he's immune to all but the strongest pepper sprays.

* Were Clinton like Pinocchio, Scientist estimate he would be in very much pain right now as his nose would currently be being burnt by Alpha Centauri.

* Also, if a liar's pants actually caught fire, scientists estimate that the heat from Clinton's pants would provide more than enough power to provide the world’s energy needs. How you would get them down from the telephone wire, though, is unknown.

* Clinton is so whipped by Hillary that he handled making Vince Foster's death look like a suicide even though it was her who shot him in a fit of rage.

* When Clinton left office, some thought he was a little too loose with the pardons, but, in his defense, he charged quite a bit for them.

* To be quite honest, I still have no idea what the Whitewater scandal was about, but I still think Clinton should have been thrown out of office for it and then put in jail.

* In a fight between Bill Clinton and Aquaman, Clinton would use his slick charisma to win over all of Aquaman's fish friends. Being outdone in his only real superpower, Aquman would go into a downward spiral, finally O.D.'ing on heroin.

* Clinton's memoir, My Life, is 957 pages long, making it a great book to hollow out and put a gun in.

* While Ronald Reagan had a state funeral and was mourned by millions as his coffin was brought across the country, Clinton will most likely just be tossed in a dumpster when the time comes.

* Clinton may have gotten away with a lot in this life, but, when the final judgment comes, God will know what the definition of "is" is.

* A hundred years from now, Clinton will only be remembered for his sexual peccadilloes with Monica Lewinsky... which is unfair to him since there are also those legitimate charges of rape.

* I don't like Clinton.

Rating: 2.5/5 (31 votes cast)

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May 27, 2004
Know Thy Enemy: Al Gore
Posted by Frank J. at 08:32 AM

Everyone has heard about Al Gore's insane tirade yesterday, but is he really now so insane that's he's a menace to society? To find out, I had my crack research team find out whatever they could about the one know as Al Gore.

FUN FACTS ABOUT AL GORE

* Al Gore's father was also a U.S. Senator and his mother is a wooden plank.

* Many say Gore got his personality from his mother.

* Al Gore hugs trees because his parents never hugged him.

* Once when Al Gore was at McDonalds, the cashier accidentally gave him a large fry instead of the SuperSize™ fry he ordered. Gore then proceeded to demand the CEO resign.

* Don't let Al Gore near any elections, because he'll try and steal them.

* His programming was specifically for him to be a politician. Now that he no longer is one, he's gone rogue.

* Some say that Al Gore is an emotionless, killer cyborg, while other say he is more of an android.

* If you turn on a microwave while Al Gore is near, he'll suddenly start singing showtunes.

* Al Gore spent most of his vice presidency trying to keep Clinton away from his daughters.

* Al Gore's rage wasn't well known during the 2000 election, but it's said that sometimes he'd short circuit during the campaign trail and take out an entire town.

* Part of the reason Al Gore gave such an insane tirade yesterday is because a refrigerator magnet was stuck to his head.

* Most aren't sure why Al Gore singled out Rush Limbaugh in his recent speech, but it may be go back to the time Rush Limbaugh killed his father.

* Due to his huge obsession with porn, Al Gore invented the internet.

* During the 2000 campaign, Al Gore told a number of stories that weren’t quite true. These weren’t in fact lies, but instead the results of faulty programming in his logic cells.

* Al Gore is bullet proof but vulnerable to EMP blasts.

* Al Gore is obsessed with saving the environment. Eventually he plans to eliminate all cars to save the air and then all people.

* Al Gore was assembled in Tennessee, but has since been rejected by that state after his numerous killing sprees.

* Some say Al Gore is stiff, but he actually has a wide range of movement for a robot.

* When keeping a look out for a killer Al Gore, remember that he may have a beard.

* The only way to destroy Al Gore is to get him to chase you under a hydraulic press. It's best to keep in memory all the nearest hydraulic presses before hand.

* If his eyes glow red, that means he's about to charge. Quickly dodge to the side and then counter attack.

* In a fight between Al Gore and Aquaman, Al Gore would grapple Aquaman with his “tree hug of iron” grab, snapping Aquaman's spine.

* Rumors that Gore was designed by Honda are unfounded.

* What you don't see in the video of Gore's speech yesterday is that he slaughtered everyone in the room right after. Good for him.

Rating: 2.1/5 (19 votes cast)

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April 21, 2004
Know Thy Enemy: Iraqi Insurgents
Posted by Frank J. at 07:21 AM

There are a lot of insurgents causing trouble in Iraq, so I decided the least I could do was set out my crack research team to find out as much as they can about them.

FUN FACTS ABOUT IRAQI INSURGENTS

* The difference between an "insurgent" and a "terrorist" are the spellings and pronunciations.

* The Iraqis violently fighting against the coalition are a minority, and thus should be given preference in hiring and college admissions.

* Some people are against America because they actually liked rule under Saddam. Hey, if they liked torture and oppression, maybe we should be more accommodating to their tastes.

* The natural predator of the Iraqi insurgent is the U.S. Marine which has no known predator and threatens to cause their complete extinction.

* Some religious leaders are causing insurgency in a grab for power. Religion should never be used to grab power. It should only be used to give oneself moral grounding, explain the reasons behind existence, and shame others.

* Monkeys are also opposed to Americans, and are being summarily executed.

* Some consider those fighting Americans to be patriots of Iraq, but, since they harm people of their own country and are trying ruin its future, the more accurate terms for them is "total douches".

* Insurgents like to use bombs. If you see someone with a bomb, be careful - he may insurge!

* Some insurgents aren't Iraqis at all, but instead are people who have traveled to Iraq since there aren't enough opportunities in their own country to be killed by coalition forces.

* That Sadr guy is kinda chubby. I don’t know the relevance of that, but it is a fact.

* Frankly, I'd rather be a chubby cleric than the usual blind cleric, but I don't know if Allah gives you a choice.

* As a defensive measure, Iraqi insurgents will sometimes run away screaming.

* The insurgents have all the battle knowledge that can be gained by skimming through a copy of The Idiots Guide to Insurgency.

* The insurgents are opposed to democracy because then people will vote that they shouldn't insurge so much. And, if they can't insurge, then they'll probably have to finally get that job at McDonalds, and they don't want that. Hey, it really ain't that bad.

* Since Americans and allies are trying their best to build schools and an infrastructure in Iraq and people still try to kill them, that just proves you can't even please everybody some of the time. Luckily, we can kill anybody anytime.

* Insurgents are trying to use hostages to force American allies to remove troops from Iraq. Hey, not all our allies are yellow-bellied Spaniards.

* In a battle between Aquaman and Iraqi Insurgents, Aquaman's fish friends would warn him of any bomb attack allowing him to easily avoid it... if the insurgents tried to attack Aquaman in the water. If the attack were land, as usual, Aquaman would be screwed.

* France is now considering sending troops to Iraq so they can give in to terrorists demands and then remove them. Those guys haven't had a good surrender in a while.

* If you’re surrounded by insurgents, kill them with your guns. If you're in Iraq right now, you should probably have guns.

* Know what? We should really just go ahead and make Iraq into the richest, most stable democracy in the world. That should piss off those filthy insurgents. Wankers.

Rating: 1.7/5 (9 votes cast)

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April 07, 2004
Know Thy Enemy: PETA
Posted by Frank J. at 07:03 AM

PETA is an annoying bunch, now trying to put the Colonel out of business by giving kids buckets of blood. Evil people scaring kids and trying to put Colonels out of business! I'm going to sic my crack research staff on them!

FUN FACTS ABOUT PETA

* PETA is an acronym that stands for People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, but, when wrapped around sliced roasted lamb, they're called GYRO, but I don't know what that stands for.

* They think that animals, things that care not for Christian values and claw and bite with no sense of morality, should be treated "ethically". That's because they're hippies.

* PETA is against all testing on animals. If they had to choose between curing a sick child and saving an evil feces-flinging monkey, they'll choose the demon-spawn simian every time (I mean the monkey). Hey, if God didn't want us experimenting on monkeys, then exactly what the hell did He make them for?

* Many members of PETA like animals more than people, but, ironically, it's a scientifically proven fact that most animals hate hippies.

* Though they don't like KFC's method of killing chickens, their suggested replacement of having each chicken individually strangled with piano wire by a trained assassin is simply not cost effective.

* They think people should be vegetarians, even though plenty of animals eat nothing but meat. Atkins dieters, every one of them.

* I used to tease my dog. I bet PETA wouldn't like it, but my dog didn't too... and she was stupid. So there.

* They complain about how veal calves are kept from moving their entire lives, but have yet to prove they would move if given a choice. Cows are lazy.

* PETA had championed eating whales since less whales would have to be killed to feed the same number of people than chickens. That's crazy. Ever try raising whales on a farm? They really don't get along well with the horses.

* They want to end the game of chinchilla football, and I don't want to live in that world.

* Has sued ACME for perpetuating animal against animal violence.

* When it was revealed that Rudy Giuliani had prostate cancer, PETA exploited that to put up ads saying that milk gave it to him. That's ridiculous. Babies drink nothing but milk and have some of the lowest instances of prostate cancer.

* They claimed that Jesus was a vegetarian even though in the seventh station of the cross Jesus pauses to enjoy a hamburger.

* PETA has had links with the eco-terrorist group ELF, know for having the gayest name of all terrorist groups.

* If surrounded by violent PETA activists, just hold a gun to a kitten's head until they back off.

* In a battle between Aquaman and PETA, Aquaman would be fined for disturbing the peace of fish. Unable to pay the fine, Aquaman would have to serve jail time, and you know someone like him just isn't going to last in jail. Poor Aquaman.

* It would be funny to teach a parrot to say, "PETA is a bunch of stupid hippies!" and then abuse it so PETA has to take him in. Then again, it would be hard to abuse something that spoke such truth.

Rating: 2.7/5 (13 votes cast)

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March 15, 2004
Know Thy Enemy: Computer Viruses
Posted by Frank J. at 07:30 AM

If I'm not getting spam or e-mails from limeys, I'm getting viruses. Usually Norton AntiVirus or my e-mail service takes care of most, but the few that get through to me all scream, "Hey! I'm a virus!" (actually, they're worms, but now we're getting technical). It seems someone is opening these attachments, though, so, as part of my civic duty, I set my crack research staff to find out all they can about malicious computer code.

FUN FACTS ABOUT COMPUTER VIRUSES

* In the very first computers, bits were represented by hamsters running in hamster wheels. Running clockwise was a zero, and counter-clockwise a one. The first computer virus was a hamster flu intentionally put into an American computer by the evil Soviets. It caused dementia in some hamsters making some run the wrong way, resulting in bit errors. Other hamsters died, resulting in data loss.

* Early computer viruses were limited by the fact that no one had computers.

* Technically, a virus is code that affects a specific program, a worm is self-replicating code that spreads itself through a network, a trojan horse opens a backdoor for access into a computer, a time bomb is malicious code that lies dormant until specific stimuli, and a nose bite is when someone hollows out your monitor and places a monkey inside who then jumps out and bites you when you sit down. Flat screen monitors were invented as a security measure against the latter.

* Some e-mails use social engineering to harm a computer, falsely warning someone to erase a critical file. These viruses can be stopped by ignoring the e-mail like you do most e-mails anyway.

* Many viruses use exploits in Microsoft Outlook Express, a.k.a., Microsoft Security Hole with e-mail functionality.

* Microsoft says that you should learn to live with viruses and stop being such a bunch of whiners. They also want to remind you that they are very big.

* So far, no computer virus can physically harm you, but I'm working on it.

* Computer virus writers are usually long haired kids wearing Pokemon t-shirts. If you see one, beat him up.

* Palestinians considered using computer viruses as a way of inflicting terror against Israel, but gave up when they couldn't find a way to kill themselves while doing it.

* If you think your computer is infected, throw it away and buy a new one. It'll help the economy.

* People write malicious code because, well, destroying stuff is cool.

* If your computer crashes a lot, that could be a sign that your computer is infected or that you're using Windows 98.

* Very few viruses affect Linux. Many attribute this to the open source nature of that operating system leading to better security, but it could also be that the geeks who make viruses probably use Linux and you don't s**t where you eat.

* One way to fight viruses is to never open any attachments sent to you. Another way is to open all attachments and let the computer viruses kill each other.

* You can avoid viruses by not connecting your computer to the internet. Oh... too late.

* If your computer is disconnected from a network, you have what is called an "air gap" between you and the network. The only way a virus can be transferred between the two is if someone physically puts one on your computer via a disk or CD. Stand by your computer with a bat to prevent that.

* Computer viruses can erase important files. Then again, so can the delete button. Destroy that button before you one day regret it.

* Just because an e-mail is sent from a person you know doesn't mean you can trust it thanks to e-mail spoofing. Also, the person you thought you know may have turned against you and intentionally sent you the virus. Kill him.

* One day, malicious code out there might mutate and become sentient and then turn against humanity and launch nuclear weapons against us. Norton AntiVirus probably won't protect you from that. I don't know about McAfee.

* Sometimes attachments will try to entice you by using titles like ILOVEYOU.TXT. Don't fall for it! No one loves you.

* In a fight between Aquaman and computer viruses, Aquaman would be thrown out of the Justice League for infecting their computer network when he forgot that, though he can talk to fish, they can't e-mail him.

* If you've finished reading this list, your computer is now infected.

Rating: 2.9/5 (16 votes cast)

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February 25, 2004
Know Thy Enemy: Canada
Posted by Frank J. at 07:12 AM

Canada always seemed to be too inconsequential to be an enemy, but I sent my crack research staff to find out what they can about Canada to see for sure if our neighbor to the north can be trusted.

FUN FACTS ABOUT CANADA

* Canada was originally populated by peoples loyal to Britain and dumb people who just got lost.

* Canada is still technically owned by England and has to dance for them when commanded.

* That happens usually three times a year.

* The border between U.S. and Canada is the longest unprotected border in the world. There are plans to mine it, set up video cameras all along it, and not tell Canada for a new Fox special called When Americans Are Bastards.

* It is rumored Canada has its own military. Their most powerful weapon is the telephone with which they can call America and say, "Help! We're being invaded, eh!"

* Canadians are almost as genetically similar to humans as the chimpanzee.

* Was originally called Cana, but, since everyone there said, "I live in Cana, duuuuh," the name Canada eventually stuck.

* For the same reasons, it will eventually be known as Canadada.

* Their national symbol is the most evil of leafs, the Maple Leaf, a.k.a. Satan's Palm.

* In a fight between Aquaman and a maple leaf... actually, a maple leaf is even too lame for Aquaman. Our national symbol, the bald eagle, would whup Aquaman's ass, though.

* Canadians pretend to be peaceful, but more Canadians are murdered in Canada every year than any other country.

* Canada modeled their currency after ours just to annoy us when we accidentally get useless Canadian trinkets in change instead of hard American currency.

* Canada has a picture of a queen on their money to show their contempt for democracy.

* A large minority of Canadians speak French, and they boss around the rest of the Canadians. Bossed around by French-speaking people - that's so pathetic I can't even imagine it.

* Canadians think they are superior to Americans. The rational basis for this is unknown.

* Canada holds up a sham democracy to try and be accepted by the civilized world, but in fact all real decisions are made by their moose overlord.

* It's a myth that the normal way a Canadian says "about" is so that it rhymes with "boot". It just happens that a lot of Canadians are retarded.

* The northern area of Canada is technically God-forsaken. If anyone there has a prayer, he or she first has to mail it to an American priest for God to hear it.

* Most of the prayers involve hockey and are promptly ignored.

* If a Canadian ever tries to express an opinion about America, hit him on the head with a rolled up newspaper while shouting, "No!" You have to catch them in the act or they'll never learn.

* Canada has gone its entire history without doing anything of note, something almost unheard of for a country its size.

* Canada has become an entry point for terrorist which has caused Canada's boring index to decrease slightly.

* Canada doesn't have all the beliefs in liberty and freedom of speech that we have. So, if you have to go to Canada, make sure to bring a gun to help them recognize.

* Canada is so defective that it loses gravity for six hours every month.

* Canada has no known industry. It's believed all their income comes from sales of syrup and hockey tickets.

* Canadians have universal healthcare. The way they afford it is making people wait so long that most die before seeing a doctor.

* Canadians are completely harmless, but don't assume someone who is wearing a hockey mask is Canadian. The people at Crystal Lake made that mistake and, well, it was messy.

* Canadians don't have any nuclear missiles because we decided they are not mature enough for them. Maybe when they’re older.

* Canadians have national gun registration. While solving no crime, the excessive amount of money the initiative has taken has foiled Canada's evil schemes to make mutant snow monkeys.

* If ever attacked by a Canadian... well... beat the crap out of him. What? You can't take a Canadian? What kind of pansy are you?

* This list would be classified as a hate crime in Canada.

* Actually, most Canadians who read this list would just say, "Eh?"

Rating: 2.9/5 (45 votes cast)

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February 11, 2004
Know Thy Enemy: John Kerry
Posted by Frank J. at 07:37 AM

Since it looks like John Kerry has a lock on the Democrat nomination, being the uber-partisan I am (hell, I'd vote for a retarded mule if it had an 'R' next to its name and said it would cut my taxes) I've set my crack research staff out to find the dirt on the haughty, French-looking Senator who - by the way - served in Vietnam. Here's what they got:

FUN FACTS ABOUT JOHN KERRY

* In his campaign, Kerry is planning on relying on his wife's ketchup money. That's a lot like blood money, but more tomato based.

* Kerry has enough botulism in his face to wipe out a small African village.

* Kerry wants people to know that he is a friend of the common man... he just doesn't want to talk to any of them, see any of them, have any in his country club, or even be near any of them unless they have lots of special interest campaign contributions.

* John Kerry's hair is the source of his important lookingness. If you shaved off his hair, he would no longer look important.

* Like George Bush, John Kerry was a member of the secret Skull and Bones society at Yale. They will actually determine who will be president, and this whole election is just for our entertainment.

* The Vietnam war was going great and was extremely popular in the U.S.... until Kerry joined in.

* Sometimes Kerry has simultaneous flashbacks to fighting in Vietnam and being a Vietnam War protestor, causing him to spit on himself.

* Kerry knows for a fact from Vietnam that eating the heart of your defeated enemy will not gain you his non-French-lookingness.

* Some hippies had called Kerry a “baby-killer” when he returned from Vietnam, but, in reality, he wussed out and ran away when caught in a baby knife fight.

* Though he likes to tout his Vietnam record now (he was in Vietnam, you know), he was also involved in the same protest group as Jane "Why in God's Name Wasn't She Hung as a Traitor" Fonda.

* Jane Fonda was married to Ted Turner who is a total jackass. That has nothing to do with John Kerry, but it's worth saying.

* If you are in the military and Kerry drops by your place, hide your medals. Apparently he likes to throw other people's medals.

* Senator John Kerry has a more liberal voting record than Senator Ted Kennedy, which people used to think was scientifically impossible since the way to judge how liberal one's voting record is was to see how close it is to Ted Kennedy's.

* Wait, who was I zinging there? John Kerry or Ted Kennedy? Hell, they both deserve it.

* John Kerry is so liberal...

How liberal is he?

He's so liberal, that he thinks minors should be able to get abortions without even their own consent.

* In a fight between John Kerry and Aquaman, I'm not sure who'd win, but the battle would involve a lot of effeminate slapping.

* Some say Kerry looks like Lurch from the Addams Family, but that's not fair; Lurch is not French.

* Kerry comes from the most evil/liberal state in the union: Massachusetts. Some say Hitler was born there.

* According to sources, Kerry's name rhymes with "fairy". I'm not saying to call him John "Fairy"; I'm just putting that information out there.

* Kucinich rhymes with spinach... but I'm not sure what to do with that.

* Oh, wait:

Vote for Dennis Kucinich
'Cause he eats his spinach.
He's Kucinich the crazy man. (toot) (toot)

* Back to John Kerry, according to lots of anecdotal information, he loves to play the "Do you know who I am?" card. If he does that to you, the best response is to say, "Yeah, you're the guy I'm going to punch in the nads," and then punch him in the nads. If he complains, hey, he asked.

* The last guy from Massachusetts who ran against a George Bush for the presidency of the United States lost. That's precedent for you!

Rating: 3.3/5 (12 votes cast)

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February 04, 2004
The Universal Democratic Underground Thread
Posted by Frank J. at 07:15 AM

I don't think there is a single blog out there I read that hasn't at least once linked to Democratic Underground's Forum. The place is like a train wreck of human thought; you just can't help but gawk at their twisted logic and wild-eyed conspiracy theories. I've even ended up becoming addicted to the site; anytime there is breaking news, I think, "I wonder what the nuts are saying about this," and head straight for DU. It’s like a daily freak show. Yet, I've begun to tire of it, and I realized why. In the end, it's really just the same thing over and over. After careful analysis (two minutes thought), I think I broke down all the variance of opinion you'll ever see on DU and put into one imitated thread. They will often go on longer than this, but then it's a lot of the same posts being made over and over by other people.

Well, without further ado, here is the...

UNIVERSAL DEMOCRATIC UNDERGROUND THREAD

Read More...


Rating: 2.8/5 (26 votes cast)

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January 09, 2004
Know Thy Enemy: Spam
Posted by Frank J. at 12:00 PM

At least half my e-mail is unsolicited junk e-mail now, and that's not counting the updates I get from the DNC that someone out there in T.V. land signed me up for. Well, this has to stop, so I set my crack research staff out to find all they can about spam.

FUN FACTS ABOUT SPAM

* Spam is short for "Spiced Ham". I have no idea what that has to do with unsolicited e-mail.

* You'd think e-mailing some of the spammers back, "Thank you, but my penis is plenty large enough," would stop them, but you'd be wrong.

* Some ignorant people think that spam is harmless when in fact it depletes one of America's most important resources: my time.

* How do spammers send out e-mails to millions of people at a time? By worshipping Satan.

* If you mark your e-mail account with lamb's blood, spammers will "passover" it.

* Spammers almost decided to stop back in 2002, but then one Stuart Dimwitty actually bought a product based on an unsolicited e-mail, thus once again encouraging the spammers. Thanks, Stuart!

* I'm pretty sure all those e-mails from Nigerians who need help moving money are tricks. If not... Oh my God! I'm passing up millions!

* In a fight between Aquaman and Spam, Aquaman would be disappointed when he never got the penis enlarger he ordered, but would be too embarrassed to report it to the Better Business Bureau about it.

* Eventually spam will completely overtake the internet, replacing all other information. It is also spreading into text messages, rendering our phone systems useless. In the end, we'll be forced back to using the telegraph.

* To recieve IMAO updates by telegraph, the message beep beep dash beep...

Rating: 2.5/5 (11 votes cast)

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December 10, 2003
Know Thy Enemy: Howard Dean
Posted by Frank J. at 08:45 AM

I feel a little burnt out on In My World™ right now, so I decided to do a different post today. Though I know you shouldn't count your doves before they hatch, it's looking more and more likely that Howard Dean, the angry peacenik, is going to be the Democrat nomination for president. Thus, I've decided to do something useful for a change and have my crack research staff do some muckraking on him. Here is what they found:

FUN FACTS ABOUT HOWARD DEAN

* He always cheats at Scrabble.

* Is governor of Vermont, and I hear there are some gay people there.

* Has a bit of an anger problem. Once, when the copier jammed at his campaign headquarters, he beat his entire staff with a metal stapler.

* He has gotten both the support of Al Gore and the entire Borg collective.

* Al Gore decided to support Howard Dean when he found out that Liberman is a Joooo! Apparently, Liberman never mentioned that he was religious during the 2000 campaign.

* Was once stopped for suspicion of drunk driving, and then a dead hooker was found in his trunk. Due to some technicalities in his arrest, the only charge that stuck was that he wasn't wearing his seatbelt.

* He still doesn't wear his seatbelt.

* Was the basis for the movie Howard the Duck.

* The reason he was so against the war in Iraq is that Saddam was his college roommate.

* If elected president, plans to put a hotline on his desk that directly connects to France so, in a crisis, he can always ask them what to do.

* At every campaign stop, an orphanage mysteriously catches fire.

* Is actually the alter-ego of Aquaman’s arch-nemesis, Black Manta.

* Plans to be the surrenderenest president ever.

* Was seen rooting for the Soviet in Rocky IV.

* He completely dishonors Bushido, the way of the samurai.

* Plans to raise taxes to fund his weather control machine so he can take over the world. Not even Aquaman will be able to stop him.

* Has lots of stock in Al Qaeda (symbol ALQ), and would lose a lot of money if they were ever defeated.

* Is always threatening to cut people, but claims that's just because he's a doctor.

* The only reason he supports gun rights is to confuse those of us who want to label him a complete liberal. Damn you!

Rating: 2.6/5 (14 votes cast)

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December 04, 2003
Know Thy Enemy: Liberals
Posted by Frank J. at 08:12 AM

Since terrorists are already covered, by popular demand I sent my crack research team to find out what they can about liberals.

FUN FACTS ABOUT LIBERALS

* Liberals hate people who are not open minded. Open minded is defined as thinking just like they think (otherwise you're evil).

* The major diet of the liberal is tofu and granola. This makes them weak and easy to pick up and throw.

* Liberals love to spend other people's money. If you see a liberal, it's okay to take his money because it probably wasn't his anyway.

* Liberals have an irrational fear of firearms. If you want to scare a liberal, point a gun at him.

* The whine of the North American liberal can often be mistaken for the sound of a screech owl. The main difference is that the liberal's whine will also have a nauseating effect.

* Liberals love socialism and want to socialize all businesses. If you see a liberal coming towards your business, throw a stick at him before he can socialize it.

* Liberals tend to congregate on college campuses as it is a safe haven for their idiotic ideas, protecting them from scrutiny. Thus, avoid college at all costs.

* Liberals are invulnerable to reason and logic. They are vulnerable to firearms, knives, and the bitch slap.

* Liberals hate America and love more oppressed people... like evil dictators.

* Much like the duck, it's illegal to shoot a liberal who is floating in a lake.

* Liberals will try to entice you with their twisted logic. If that doesn't work, they'll bite you.

* Hanging a picture of Ronald Reagan over your door will keep liberals from entering.

* Liberals come in two main varieties: intellectual and mental patient. You can only distinguish between the two by noting whether their jacket has sleeves.

* If you see a fuel-efficient car, it's probably being driven by a liberal. Run it off the road with your SUV.

* Liberals are always trying to save the environment because they are apparently dependent on it. If you want to kill all liberals, destroy the environment.

* Even if you satisfy liberals’ demands, they'll come up with new thing to complain about that you could never even imagine; they’re just that creative. That creativity is put towards much better use as forced labor in a coal mine.

* Liberals are always whining about tolerance, but, when I punch them for that, they get moody. Hey, be tolerant!

* You can tell if someone is a liberal by extracting some blood and seeing if it reacts violently to fire.

* Sorry, that previous item is how you find out if someone is the Thing. It's a good thing to check for that too, though.

* Some liberals still think Communism is good. I guess we should threaten them with nuclear missiles just like we did the Soviets.

* In a fight between Aquaman and liberals, liberals would have Aquaman fined for disturbing the habitat of endangered fish. He would then sulk about it to the great annoyance of the Aquawife.

* Liberals like to sympathize with terrorists. Keep them away from Gitmo, or there will be nothing but sympathizing.

* I've heard vicious rumors that liberals also like the French, but that might just be slander against liberals.

Rating: 2.6/5 (45 votes cast)

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November 20, 2003
Know Thy Enemy: Protestors
Posted by Frank J. at 08:27 AM

Terrorists are horrible, but I have a t-shirt to handle them. Who are also as annoying, though, are protestors. Since Bush is encountering so many protestors while in Britain, I thought I'd put my crack research staff on finding out as much information about protestors as they could. Here's what they found:

FUN FACTS ABOUT PROTESTORS

* They are called "protestors" because there is something which they "protest". Only God know what, though, because they're so damn incoherent.

* Much like the pineapple, protestors start with a 'p'.

* Protestors like to yell a lot, but it's hard to hear what they're saying. It's probably about how much they like Saddam and dictators since them being deposed seems to really get them riled.

* Protestors try to make their message clearer by waving signs around. Apparently they don't think there should be trade between the Red Cross and Exxon.

* A number of protestors these days are anarchists. They can be identified as the protestors who can't properly pronounce what they are.

* Large scale protests rarely change things because people don't want to share opinions with smelly, yelling people.

* To protestors, the day they protest is known as "action day". To police, it's known as "whomping day".

* If you're a police officer and it looks like protests are getting out of control, shoot a protestor. I thought I saw him going for a gun too (wink) (wink).

* Like bees, protestors operate in swarms, but they don't produce anything useful like honey.

* In America, the right to protest is guaranteed by the First Amendment, but I don't think it's a coincidence how that one's directly followed by one saying we should have guns.

* Whatever you do, don't let protestors touch you! It will make you annoyed.

* There are rarely large scale protests by right-leaning people on account of them having things called dignity and jobs.

* By the principles of basic physics, sound can be nullified by hitting it with the same sound with the sound wave offset by ninety degrees. So, to nullify the yelling of protestors, blast them with the recording of monkeys screeching.

* You make monkeys screech by dangling bananas in front of them but never giving them to them. Stupid monkeys. What are they going to do anyway? Take over the world and blow up the Statue of Liberty?

* Much like fire, protestors need oxygen to survive. Also like fire, denying protestors oxygen can cause them to die out.

* In another similarity to fire, dousing protestors with water can help quell them.

* Speaking of water, in a fight between protestors and Aquaman, Aquaman would soon be running around waving a sign saying how old forest logging is endangering the sea turtle.

* Maybe if the song "Don't Worry; Be Happy" were played over loudspeakers, protestors would stop protesting as they no longer worried and were now happy. It's worth a shot.

* Another idea is tear gas, but that will probably cause them to worry and not be happy. Screw them.

Rating: 2.2/5 (15 votes cast)

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November 06, 2003
Know Thy Enemy: Brush Fires
Posted by Frank J. at 07:02 AM

As we all know, Gray Davis set California on fire in vengeance for people recalling him. It could happen again, and thus I set my crack research team to find out all they can about brush fires so people can be more prepared in the future.

FUN FACTS ABOUT BRUSH FIRES

* Brush fires are caused by the combination of brush and fire.

* The conspiracy between brush and fire started when both became dissatisfied with the government in the 60's.

* If the conspiracy of brush and fire joined with the Zionist conspiracy, then we'd all be screwed.

* I just saw Matrix Revolutions last night. Do you think when anything goes wrong in the machine city, they blame it on a Zionist conspiracy?

* A brush fire has two main modes of attack: burning using its fire and suffocating using its smoke. It also has a special attack, but first needs to power up.

* To avoid brush fires reaching your home, dispose of all your brush by tossing it over the fence into your neighbor's yard.

* If there is a brush fire, you may see panicked animals flee the forest. Stay and fight, you pansy-ass animals!

* If a brush fire is coming towards your house, lock your doors. Fires can't operate locks.

* If you run into a brush fire, don't panic; it's more scared of you than you are of it.

* There is no reason to have lots of brush congregated in one area. Brush should be destroyed... just not by fire.

* If you wake up and find your room on fire, that's a house fire - not a brush fire. Those are common, so don't worry about it.

* A brush fire can be identified by its strong, smoky smell. If you see a large fire coming your way, see if it has a smoky smell.

* Since fire needs oxygen, a good place to store your brush is on the moon.

* Much like the Wicked Witch of the West, a brushfire can be killed by water.

* Water can also kill the aliens from Signs.

* I'm sorry if you haven't seen that movie yet and I ruined it, but someone ruined The Sixth Sense for me and I'm still bitter.

* I don't know if dropping a house on a brush fire would kill it just like it did the Wicked Witch of East, but it's worth a shot.

* That probably would also kill one of the aliens from Signs.

* In a fight between Aquaman and a brushfire, Aquaman would only be able to be identified afterwards by his dental records. If only Aquaman actually had some Aquapowers.

* A giant brush fire can be an awe inspiring site to watch, but it can be canceled in case of rain and replaced with a movie.

* You can't kung fu fight a brushfire. Then again, I've never tried it.

* I once set a hairbrush on fire. It like totally melted! It was so cool!

* Having caught the 10:15 showing of Matrix Revolutions last night, I am very sleepy right now. Hopefully some conniving brush fire won't use that to its advantage.

Rating: 2.1/5 (14 votes cast)

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September 19, 2003
Know Thy Enemy: Pirates
Posted by Frank J. at 12:37 PM

It's fun to talk like a pirate, but, in reality, they are murderous thugs. Thus, I think it's appropriate I have my crack research staff find some important facts about them.

FUN FACT ABOUT PIRATES

* Pirates operate by boarding your ship, killing everyone on board, and stealing your treasure. So, if pirates ask to board, tell them no.

* You may be able to avoid getting attacked by pirates if you drape a sign over the side of your vessel reading, "Radio Broken".

* If you are captured by pirates, fight back by throwing all their oranges overboard. Now they'll all get scurvy - whatever the f--k that is.

* Since piracy really ended centuries ago, my main concern when encountering pirates would be how to get back to my own time. Cryogenics was piss-poor in the 17th century - hell, it's hard enough to get a bag of ice - so you'll have to try some other option.

* Even though pirates sail all the seven seas, they’re apparently based in Pittsburgh, PA.

* When fighting pirates, you may think the man with the big hat is the leader, but it's actually the parrot on his shoulder. Take that bird out first!

* In a fight between Aquaman and pirates, Aquaman would... wait a second, a fight on the sea; Aquaman would actually be competent here. I don't think there's a joke to this one.

* A lot of people when boarding your ship may claim to be pirates, but make sure to ask for identification. If someone is murdering your crew and stealing your booty but doesn't have the proper ID, make sure to report it to the pirate union.

* While pirates tend to use the peg to replace a lost leg, it doesn't work as well to replace a lost arm, nose, or ears.

* Be careful of a pirate who lost a hand; them hooks is pointy!

* Those muskets take like a minute to reload, so, if a pirate fires at you and misses, time for a pound'n.

* The cannon the pirates have may or may not be loaded, but don’t check it by just sticking your head down the barrel. You at least need a match first or you won't be able to see.

* The pirate flag of skull and cross bones is called the "Jolly Roger" because whoever decided to name it was really gay.

* Jolly Ranchers have no relation to the Jolly Roger... that I know of. To be on the safe side, though, if you see a bunch of Jolly Rancher wrappers lying about, be prepared for a pirate attack!

* If someone boards your land going vessel and steals it, that's a carjacker, not a pirate. You can still run him through with a cutlass, though.

* If you see a man with a long beard, it could be the fearsome Blackbeard the pirate! If the beard is somewhat light colored, he's probably just a member of ZZ Top. Either way, use caution.

* The most fearsome pirate these days is some Middle Easterner known as Kazaa.

* If you're really worried about pirates, go to Taco Bell. I've never seen one there, and I like their chalupas.

* The main thing to remember about pirates is that they are more scared of you than you are of them. Just stand your ground, wave your arms in the air, and yell and that should scare them off.

Rating: 2.8/5 (19 votes cast)

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August 29, 2003
Know Thy Enemy: Hamas
Posted by Frank J. at 08:31 AM

Israel just can't seem to get a compromise between their desire to not be blown up and the Palestinians' desire to blow them up. Thus, I sent my crack research staff to find out as much as they can about one of the main players: Hamas.

FUN FACTS ABOUT HAMAS

* Hamas was founded in 1987 according to some site I found with Google. I was eight years old then and wanted to be a fireman or an astronaut. Blowing up Jews had not crossed my mind.

* Hamas is Arabic for "dumb f--ks with explosives".

* Contrary to popular belief, Hamas has nothing to do with ham. Actually, if you throw hams at them, they'll get angry.

* I don't like to loosely throw around charges of anti-Semitism, but I don't think Hamas members like Jews.

* One of the reasons that they keep attacking is that none of the Hamas members knows what "ceasefire" means and are too embarrassed to ask.

* Suicide bombings started when parents found out how much money they would save if their kids just blew themselves up instead of going to college.

* If you see a Hamas member, shout, "Hey! Look! It's a Jew!" Maybe he'll set himself off early. Dumbass.

* If a Hamas member says he wants peace, it's a trick! Shoot him the head.

* If a Hamas member says he wants to borrow the sports section from your newspaper, it's a trick! Shoot him in the head.

* Be careful; Hamas members are quite wily, ranking up there in intelligence with squirrels.

* Hamas members smell. It's not nice to say, but it's true.

* Hamas has a wing that’s devoted to charities. They need to make sure that all Palestinians children are healthy and grow up to be big and strong so they can blow themselves up.

* The French, enemies of all that is good and just in this world, are considering having some of their charities join those of Hamas. Expect more attacks from Hamas in the future that involves smelly cheese.

* Hamas members don't like contact with pigs, so I think it would be funny to feed them to pigs like in the movie Hannibal.

* That was really gross when Hannibal had Ray Liotta eat his own brain.

* I've strayed off topic.

* We should trick Hamas members into eating their own brains.

* If you're in a cafe in Israel, and someone runs in there and indiscriminately starts shooting people, he could be a member of Hamas, so be careful.

* Hamas is a big part of the "cycle of violence". They blow up innocent men, women, and children, and then Israel is like, "Hey, don't do that." And thus the cycle of violence continues.

* The cycle of violence will continue until the Palestinians stop being such a bunch of numbnuts... or if Israel finally gets fed up and nukes them all.

* Even though members of Hamas are out gunned and out smarted by Israel, they think they can defeat Israel because Allah is on their side. Isn't that cute.

* Hamas members think they go the Heaven when they commit a suicide bombing where they get 72 virgins, but instead they go to hell where they get jabbed in the ass with a pitchfork ad infinitum.

* Actually, I'm Catholic; I think everyone is going to hell. Hey you, reading this: you're going to hell. Seriously.

* In a fight between Hamas and Aquaman, Aquaman would like totally kick their asses. His fish friends would be like, "Hey, let us have a piece of them!" but Aquaman would say, "No! They’re mine!" And then one Hamas member would be like, "Please, have mercy, Aquaman!" and Aquaman would be like, "No!" and punch the guy through the chest and rip out his heart. Aquaman is a badass!

* Hamas tends to yell and complain a lot when Israel targets and kills their leaders. Someone should tell them to stop being such a bunch of babies.

* Sometimes Hamas members blow themselves up in their own apartments when they try making bombs. That makes me giggle. Hee hee.

* My grandfather was a member of Hamas.

* No, wait, he was in the IRA. They just blew up the British people who deserved it because... ah, I don't actually know anything about that conflict. I think it involves the color orange.

* I've gone off topic again.

* Maybe Isarelis and Hamas could all get along if they just hugged.

* No! Don't hug the Hamas members; it's a trick! They're just going to blow up!

* You know, Hamas could just plant bombs without blowing themselves up... or at least that's what I'd do if I were a subhuman, murderous Jew-hater.

* Hamas won't rest until the Jews are pushed out into the sea. That will significantly improve the GDP of the sea.

* If you make a Mexican laugh, and he wants an encore, he'd say, "Ha! Mas!"

* I think that means I'm about out of fun facts.

* The best way to handle Hamas is to be really patient. I'm sure Arafat will deal with them... eventually. Oh, and monkeys might fly out of my butt.

Rating: 2.5/5 (16 votes cast)

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August 05, 2003
Know Thy Enemy: Airline Terrorists
Posted by Frank J. at 08:23 AM

Al Qaeda is still plotting! You might have thought they were all plotted out, but, oh no, they're still after us. And their attacks are against planes again; these are like one note terrorists. You gotta switch things up, dudes. You know, Speed was on a bus, and Speed 2 was on a boat; that's how things work here in America.

Anyway, they're planning to sneak evil terrorist weapons into common household items, so I think it would be a good citizen of me to give everyone some tips on how to avoid terrorists on a plane flight.

FRANK TIPS FOR AVOIDING AIRLINE TERRORISM

* If the guy seated next to you is named Al, watch him with suspicion; that's halfway to Al Qaeda.

* If someone tries to light a fuse on his shoes, that's a sure sign of terrorism. Take away his lighter then hit him on the nose while firmly saying, "No!"

* If someone takes out a boombox, quickly grab it and smash it over the person's head. Even if he wasn't a terrorist, what the hell is he doing with a boombox on a plane flight?

* Terrorists are trying to sneak weapons into children toys. If you see a child on your flight, smash his toys.

* If you are going to crash land, don't duck into a crash position as illustrated in that little flyer; if everyone is ducking like that, a crash landing makes the perfect time for a terrorist attack.

* Terrorists plan to modify cameras as stun weapons. If a terrorist tries to take a picture of you, hold up a mirror and deflect it back at him. Stupid terrorist.

* The airline pillows are too small to smother a terrorist. If you need to smother a terrorist, politely ask your flight attendant for a blanket.

* Air Marshals on flights are supposed to have a gun, so, if you see someone on your flight waving around a gun and yelling, assume he is an Air Marshal and go to sleep.

* If you are worried that the people around you are terrorists, immediately alert the stewardess. She can give you booze which will make you much less worried.

* If the man next to you is named Mohammed, that's a terrorist name; beat him up. If he is named Mo, that could be short for Mohammed; beat him up. If he says his name is Bob, he's probably lying and it's really Mohammed; beat him up. If his name is Sue, make fun of him for having a girl's name; he'll beat you up.

* The best defense is a good offense, so bring a shotgun on the flight. How do you sneak a shotgun on? When security asks you, "Hey, is that a shotgun?" say, "Only a dumb person would think this is a shotgun." The security person will not want to look dumb, so he'll just wave you through.

* Also bring a bomb on board. If terrorists get up and start threatening everyone, you then threatening to blow up the plane if they don't shut up. That will steal their thunder, and they'll probably just sulk and then sit back down.

* If Aquaman is on your flight, don't worry; he'll save you. Well, maybe he will… if the flaming wreck lands in the water. On second thought, forget Aquaman; you're on your own.

* If the stewardess asks you to pay extra for your meal, that's probably a terrorist plot; take appropriate action.

* If the oxygen masks come down, make sure they are dispensing oxygen and not poison. The best way to do this is to use the lighter you took from the shoe bomber. If you apply fire to the mask and it immediately burst into flames, then yes, it was dispensing oxygen.

* As in Die Hard and Passenger 57, the best way to avoid the initial terrorist attack is to be in the bathroom. If someone complains about you being in there so long, tell him you're fighting terrorism.

* If terrorists are attacking, you can turn common items into weapons. One is to take your palm and then curl up your fingers. This makes a "fist" which works well as a cudgel. You can also curl up the inflight magazine and bop terrorists on the head with it. It won't do much damage, but it will be kinda funny. Bop! Bop!

* If you are about to fight a terrorist in hand to hand combat in the aisle, first yell to him, "You're about to experience some major turbulence!" because that will be so cool.

* When fighting a terrorist, the best and most climatic way to finish him off is to open an emergency door and suck him out. Be careful, though, as air pressure imbalance does not distinguish terrorist from decent American; it's neutral like the Swiss.

Rating: 2.7/5 (13 votes cast)

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July 18, 2003
Know Thy Enemy: North Koreans
Posted by Frank J. at 07:58 AM

I just realized I've never done a Know Thy Enemy™ segment on the North Koreans. If we ever have to fight them, it's likely my brother, Joe foo' the Marine, will have to go out there. I don't want him to get killed, because, if he does, it will be on my honor to avenge his death, and my schedule is just too busy for vengeance. So, I got my crack research staff to find all the important information one needs to know to fight the North Koreans.

FUN FACTS ABOUT NORTH KOREANS

* Remember, it's the North Koreans who are the evil Commies while the South Koreans are the ones who give us cars with really good warranties and animate The Simpsons. The West Koreans are mysterious loners who will work for the highest bidder.

* North Korea got its name from being North of South Korea. I don't know how South Korea got its name.

* North Korea is said to be the last Stalinist state, which means it's like an extra evil Commie country. I mean, people are escaping to China for a better life; that's pretty damn Commie!

* I believe we once fought a war with North Korea, and I think we won, too. There's precedent for you!

* They call the area between North and South Korean the Demilitarized Zone, even though it's filled with mines. With that much armaments, you'd think they'd call it the “Really-Millitarized Zone.” Anyway, if you're walking through the RMZ, make sure someone is walking ahead of you.

* I've heard rumors that the Koreans eat dogs. That's just like cannibalism! Except, instead of eating people, they're eating dogs.

* North Koreans are probably armed with Russian hardware like most evil people, because who would have sold weapons to evil people other than the Russians? Oh, they might also have French and German weaponry.

* Tae Kwan Do is a martial art that comes from Korea, so I would assume that every North Korean knows it. The martial art is characterized by its high kicks meant to knock riders from horses. So, when fighting a North Korean, duck low so his kick goes over your head, then counter with an uppercut.

* North Koreans are vulnerable to silver bullets... and any other bullets.

* Supposedly the North Koreans have nuclear missiles that could reach all the way to California, but let's find out which part of California before we get too panicked.

* I'm pretty sure ninjas are either Chinese or Japanese, but I can't guarantee that the Koreans don't have any. So, when fighting them, bring a samurai sword just in case since ninjas dodge bullets.

* If you find yourself attacked by a North Korean, stop, drop, and roll.

* The North Korean government keeps their people starving, oppressed, isolated, and ignorant, and they are all taught that Americans are evil. Still, if having to invade their country, just toss the people some Fun Size bag of Fritos and I bet they'll think you're the second coming of Christ.

* Just like the llama, the North Koreans need a constant intake of oxygen to survive; thus, they are susceptible to strangling.

* If a North Korean bites you, you become one.

* In a fight between the North Korean military and the Flash, the Flash would run away really quickly to a tropical resort in Thailand and drink a Mai Tai.

* I'm sorry, but I'm running out of jokes about Aquaman.

* Okay, one more: In a fight between Aquaman and the North Koreans, Aquaman could splash Kim Jong Il messing up his poofy hair and humiliating him. The North Koreans would then hit Aquaman with so much artillery that the Justice League wouldn't even be able to identify him by his dental records.

* If you kill a North Korean, be careful! His body will explode into deadly poisonous gas... or maybe I'm getting them confused with the enemies from some videogame.

* Their leader, Kim Jong Il, has extremely poofy hair, and our inaction will not make it any less poofy.

Rating: 2.8/5 (8 votes cast)

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July 09, 2003
Know Thy Enemy: IMAO and Frank J.
Posted by Frank J. at 12:27 PM

* When I first made named my site IMAO, I thought the meaning would be obvious to everyone. My only fear was that some people would think I was declaring solidarity with Chairman Mao (when IMAO.com wasn't available, the suggestions given were icommunist.com and imarxist.com).

* When on blogspot, comments were labeled "IYAO".

* The original tagline of IMAO was "No problem is so complex it can't be solved by proper firearm usage." Later, with the help of Laurence Simon, I made a randomly rotating tagline which included "Political musings of a dumb smart guy." (and "Political musings of a smart dumb guy."). The reason "Political musings of a dumb smart guy." was settled on was that was the tagline Rachel Lucas picked when she made me a banner for my switch to MT. I don’t have the list of taglines on me right now, but I’ll put them up later tonight.

* I first heard of Scrappleface when he put in the comment section of one of my posts "If you want to see a related parody, go to..." I was a little flattered at the time that someone thought I had enough readers to bother siphoning off them, but, in the end, I dismissed Scrappleface as an annoying upstart.

* Despite their popularity, Glenn Reynolds has never once linked to an In My World™ post, knowing that people would find it too funny and it would grow my power too much to have that many people see one.

* According to the Blogging Ecosystem today, I need 1067 more links to catch up on Instapundit. So, come on, start linking!

* I was born June 4th, 1979, so, despite my young age, technically my life spans four decades.

* My last name does not start with a 'J'.

* In a fight between IMAO and Aquaman, IMAO would win because of Aquaman's piss-poor hacking skills.

* Aquaman is just the lamest superhero ever. I mean, he's completely useless on land and only marginally useful in water (he can breathe underwater and talk to fish). Maybe he could be a really good lifeguard, but superhero seems to be aiming to high.

* I am proudly the number one Google hit for "I hate Michael Moore".

* I don't like monkeys.

* I own the URL bombfrance.com, but have yet to do anything with it. I was hoping to make a signature drive like Not in Our Name where I would collect signatures of people who wanted the U.S. military to bomb France. I would then e-mail the petition to everyone in Congress.

* I receive very little hate mail. I've often seen liberals link to my posts saying, "Hey, look at this great Rumsfeld bashing."

* Hot chicks in their twenties who are single and find me irresistibly handsome and witty should e-mail me immediately.

* I'm hoping to somehow expand IMAO into some super-conglomerate where I make lots of money. I like money.

* I am thankful for all my readers, and I love everyone one of you.

Rating: 2.5/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (65)
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July 01, 2003
Know Thy Enemy: Hurricanes
Posted by Frank J. at 08:28 AM

Hurricane Bill has been downgraded to a tropical depression, so, just after the nick of time, here's some info on hurricanes. I have lived in Florida for over two years now, which, though I've never actually seen a hurricane, makes me qualified to talk about them from all the second-hand information I've heard. So, without further ado:

FUN FACT ABOUT HURRICANES

* Hurricanes involve wind... and rain too, I think.

* Hurricanes only attack near the coastline, because further inland is ruled by the tornados who don't take kindly to other weather anomalies moving in on their territory.

* The main differences between a hurricane, a tropical storm, and a depression are their spellings and pronunciations.

* Jerry Fallwell says hurricanes are caused by too many people being homosexuals, so stop it already, guys; those storm windows look hard to put up.

* I talked to some guy who said he shot a hurricane with a .45, but that didn't stop it. A .44 magnum probably will, then.

* A true samurai should be able to stand down a hurricane and defeat it with one mighty stroke of his blade. I won't do it though, because it might mess up my sword.

* I just saw this movie Zaitoichi about a blind samurai, and it was really cool.

* I've strayed off topic.

* When a hurricane attacks, most people will flee inland, which will mean the beaches will be nice and empty for those of us who aren't a bunch of pussies.

* Hurricanes used to always be given female names because hurricanes are destructive, random, and capricious, just like women. That custom was stopped, though, when women got all whiny and moody about it.

* No one is sure what causes a hurricane, but it comes from the sea so the most likely candidates are Poseidon, sea monkeys, or France. We should do a preemptive strike against all of them.

* A hurricane, unlike the platypus, does not lay eggs.

* If a hurricane charges you, just strike it on the nose to ward it away.

* In a fight between a hurricane and Aquaman, Aquaman would end up stuck in some power lines somewhere with no fish to talk to.

* In Mexico, Aquaman is known as Hombre del Agua.

* I've gone off topic again.

* This arab guy I met told me that hurricanes are just a Zionist conpiracy to run up insurance costs. Joooos!!

* Most times we'll have plenty of notice for a hurricane because it will storm in right off the sea. Sometimes, though, it will sneak in wearing a hat and a trench coat. If you see someone in a hat and a trench coat, pull them off and shout, "Aha! A hurricane!" Most of the time, it will actually be some guy and you'll look pretty stupid, but, if one time it actually is a hurricane, people will be like, "Wow! You're smart."

* All hurricanes want is attention, so the best defense is to just ignore them, even if it rips off the roof of your house.

* I once thought I saw a hurricane, but it ended up that it was a gopher.

* That was sort of on topic.

Rating: 2.6/5 (27 votes cast)

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June 19, 2003
Know Thy Enemy: Monkey Pox
Posted by Frank J. at 08:24 AM

I've had a lot of requests to have a post on monkey pox, but I had avoided it until now because monkeys scare me. Finally, though, I've set my crack research staff on the topic and here is what we came up with:

FUN FACTS ABOUT MONKEY POX

* Monkey pox was either developed by evil monkey scientists or by God because of our sins. If someone sinned, please fess up.

* Poxes are all named after the animal that made them to try and overthrow humanity. Chicken pox was made in the long long ago by chickens in a failed attempt to destroy mankind, and later cows did the same thing, making cow pox, which ended up being a vaccine for the ancient and evil small pox, made by leprechauns to keep us from getting their pot of gold.

* Monkey pox is spread by prairie dogs, which are not actually dogs (or prairies) but instead are evil, stinky rodents who sold their soul to their monkey masters.

* If a monkey comes up to and offers to inject you with something he swears is not pox, don't let him. It probably is pox.

* Monkey pox is rarely fatal, but, while it has not been proven that it allows monkeys to control the victim's mind (or even hypothesized), it has not been disproven either. Do not trust anyone who is itchy.

* If you have monkey pox, no matter how tempting it is, don't eat a banana; that will just inflame it. Instead eat things a monkey wouldn't like such as chalk and suntan lotion.

* The symptoms of monkey pox are fever and itchy rashes. It's not much fun, but, if you're young, I'd say it's worth it to skip a couple days of school.

* Doctors say don't scratch the rashes as that will just make them worse. Know what; doctors say lots of damn things. Scratch those damn rashes; screw the doctors.

* If you seen prairie dogs, kill them and burn their bodies. Do not get them mixed up with Chihuahuas, though, or you will probably make someone mad.

* Monkey pox is a virus. A virus is an entity (not technically classified as a living organism - much like a monkey) that uses one of your own cells to reproduce itself. That's just mean. You work long and hard making those cells, and they shouldn't just be stolen like that.

* In a fight between Aquaman and monkey pox, monkey pox would probably win unless Aquaman had been taking a lot of vitamin C lately.

* A Nuke the Moon t-shirt will make you immune to monkey pox. When wearing one, you can lick all the prairie dogs you want without fear.

* The best cure for monkey pox is to eat monkey brains like in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. Ha, and you thought that was all fiction. You are so foolish I should rip your heart out of your chest.

Rating: 3.0/5 (16 votes cast)

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June 14, 2003
Know Thy Enemy: Wasps
Posted by Frank J. at 03:15 PM

Wasps were trying to build a nest in front of my garage door. So I got a hose and sprayed the little buggers, and then finished off their nest with my bokken (wooden practice sword). Well, today I find a new nest... not even a nest. Just a tiny little piece that two wasps were standing on, though they barely fit together on it since it is so small. Cheeky little bastards. Guess they don't take a hint. Next step is chemical warfare.

For others with wasp problems. Here's some use useful facts:

FUN FACTS ABOUT WASPS

* Wasps tend to build nests where they can have shelter from the rain and best piss people off.

* While bees will only sting in defense of themselves or their hive, a wasp will sting you just because he's a f**king jerk.

* While many people would think the wasp is closely related to the bee, it's actually more related to the badger.

* Wasps tend to come from rich families and have good upbringings and join exclusive golf clubs... or maybe I'm thinking of a different kind of wasp.

* While bees collect pollen to make honey for food, I don't know what the hell wasps eat. I think it's like birds, rodents, and small children.

* Wasps usually register as independents, but tend to lean Democratic in elections.

* In a fight between wasps and Aquaman, Aquaman would think he could win by hiding under water. But, as soon as he lets his guard down and emerged from water again, the wasps would jump out from behind a rock and sting him dead.

* While wasps building a nest on your house is bad, it's better than having a monkey nest.

* You cannot cohabit with wasps. First they start out in a nest in front of the garage, next they'll be in your living room controlling the T.V. remote.

* Wasps, like the zebra, cannot drive a car.

* A Nuke the Moon t-shirt will make you immune to wasp stings.

* Wasps are not very intelligent, but do have just enough intellect to let them be evil... much like Islamic fundamentalists.

* OT: Do not let Islamic fundamentalists build a nest off your garage either. Immediately spray such a nest with a hose.

Rating: 3.1/5 (24 votes cast)

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June 10, 2003
Know Thy Enemy: Hillary Clinton
Posted by Frank J. at 08:10 AM

Hillary Clinton has a book out! I know all of you must be racing to not read it, but I'll save you the trouble and not read it for you. Here's what I didn't find out from the book:

* Exactly how many people she estimated her universal health plan would kill.

* That Chelsea Clinton was played by a child actor.

* Whether she shot Vince Foster execution style or gangsta style.

* What are the exact details of her pact with Satan.

* How entrenched into our government is her lesbian conspiracy.

* Whether her banshee-like scream can cause people's heads to explode just like if she were a Scanner.

* Whether regular bullets can kill her or do you need to use silver ones.

* That every time she lies, her thighs grow larger.

* How many genetic scientists did she kidnap to make flying monkeys for her.

* For what purpose does she like to drink the blood of small children.

* Who would win in a fight between her and Aquaman.

* That the only thing that actually surprised her when she heard about the Monica Lewinksy affair is that her husband had relations with a "dirty Jew".

* She's not a natural blond.

Rating: 2.4/5 (15 votes cast)

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May 22, 2003
A Frank Guide to Homeland Security Alert Levels
Posted by Frank J. at 06:04 AM

Everyone has heard of the Homeland Security Advisory System by now and its rainbow of colors, but most are confused of exactly what it means to them about how they should act and live when it is at its different levels of alert. That's why I've decided to create this guide make things clearer to the people.

Read More...


Rating: 3.0/5 (82 votes cast)

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May 01, 2003
Know Thy Enemy: SARS
Posted by Frank J. at 08:20 AM

Everyone seems concerned about SARS, but don't worry; I'll help you out. I got an A in biology at the local community college (what was a genius like Frank J. doing at a community college for one semester you ask; it's a long pointless story and I'll tell you about it later) so I think I'm qualified to give expert advice on SARS. So here it is:

FUN FACTS ABOUT SARS

* If you hear a knock at the door, ask the person outside a long division math problem. SARS is unable to do long division, so, if the answer is wrong, fire blindly thought the door with the nearest firearm.

* Ninjas are from China, where there are lots of SARS cases. So don't let them cut you with their swords, because you could get SARS.

* Monkeys always carry lots of diseases, so, if you see a monkey, strangle it. This may get the zookeeper angry. Strangle him too, the dirty SARS lover.

* If you kill SARS while it is outside your home, drag it inside to make things easier to explain to the cops.

* SARS usually attacks with flu-like symptoms, but sometimes it will use a choke wire, so always keep an eye to anything sneaking up behind you.

* SARS is probably a mutated cold virus. If it mutates again, it will probably become some weird thing with tentacles and sharp teeth. Destroy it with fire.

* Your friends may say you're paranoid to be so worried about SARS. Destroy them with fire.

* If you see in the sky a red planet with two polar caps, that's Mars, not SARS. DO NOT shoot it down.

* SARS may mutate enough to replace your coworkers with evil pod-people. If you believe this to have happened, then you can spend all day surfing the internet because it's not like SARS is going to report you.

* SARS is really just a bully. If you stand up to SARS and say, "Hey, well maybe I'll infect you with something!" it will probably back down.

* Know of any closet or cabinet you haven't looked in for a long time? SARS might be hiding there. Better check it out with a flashlight and a shotgun in hand.

* If SARS has you cornered and you are unarmed, remember that it usually starts off its attack with a wide right hook punch. If you duck under it, then SARS will have left itself open to a counterattack to the kidneys. That's right, SARS, you don't know who you're f**king with!

* If you bear the mark of the ancients, then you are the chosen one meant slay the Queen SARS, thus ending the threat for us all.

What? You say you have something better to do? Yeah, right; you were just going to watch TV. Lazy bastard.

* Whatever you do, don't go to Instapundit.com. Glenn Reynolds doesn't take very good care of his links, and they're probably all infected with SARS.

* If SARS is after you, you can't out run it. Instead, get in a car and drive as fast as you can, making many sudden turns so you hopefully can lose it.

* Donate money to a humorous blog. People who donate money to a humorous blog are shown to be ten times less likely to be infected with SARS. Don't give money to Scrappleface, though; that will give you SARS for sure.

* In a fight between SARS and Aquaman, Aquaman would win because SARS can't swim. It's not like he'd save any of us, though.

* If you believe you have SARS, don't panic. First of all, make sure you don't come down to Florida; that's where I live and I don't want your damn SARS.

* Uh-oh; I hear a knock at the door. Might be SARS. I guess there's nothing to do but chamber a round in my .45 and check it out. If you don't hear from me again, tell everyone I went down fighting.

Rating: 3.0/5 (9 votes cast)

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April 15, 2003
Know Thy Enemy: Syria
Posted by Frank J. at 08:29 AM

We've been hearing a lot in the news about Syria lately, so I got my crack research staff to find all the relevant information about them that you need to know.

FUN FACTS ABOUT SYRIA

* Syria is not in South America.

* Syria just barely avoided being put on the Axis of Evil by sending President Bush a fruit basket.

* Their current tourism campaign in Iraq of proclaiming "Syria is a safe harbor for you, your family, and your chemical weapons." has drawn some suspicion.

* Syria was first added to the U.S. list of terrorist nations when it was discovered that the country was in the Middle East.

* Syria is so evil that France just can't wait to appease them.

* Syria's main exports are electronics, computer software, automobiles, telecommunications equipment, and consumer goods.... whoops, I mean their exports are oil followed far behind by clay pots.

* The Syrians, unlike the Romulans, cannot turn invisible.

* If you are ever chased by a Syrian, drop to the ground, curl up in a ball, and play dead; Syrians only like to murder alive people.

* The country of Syria is completely landlocked, unable to fly for even the shortest distances.

* Syria raised a lot of suspicion when they purchased equipment for making Twinkies since such equipment could easily be converted for making chemical weapons.

* Syria used to follow the Islamic practice of collapsing walls on homosexuals. When their towns became devastated from lack of walls, they instituted a “don't ask, don't tell” policy.

* Syria is currently as poor as dirt. Without oil, dirt would actually be giving Syria foreign aid.

* Reuters would like to remind you that while some may consider Syria a “terrorist nation”, others might consider it a “freedom fighter nation”. Reuters would also like to remind you to stop slapping them.

* Once, while everyone was distracted with an anti-Israel rally, a bunch of monkeys staged a bloodless coup. At first, people found it funny seeing the monkeys playing around in the government's capital - that was until the monkeys started ordering mass executions of dissidents.

* In a fight between Syria and Aquaman, Aquaman would win since Superman couldn't just sit there and watch Aquaman get his ass kicked.

* Military estimates say that the conquering of Syria would take months… unless, of course, you don’t care about all that collateral damage crap. Then is would only take a couple hours and a few beers.

Rating: 2.0/5 (15 votes cast)

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March 28, 2003
Know Thy Enemy: Iraqi Republican Guard
Posted by Frank J. at 01:44 PM

On occasion, our troops may pause to wonder, "Who were those guys we just killed?" To help in that query, I'm starting a new feature where my crack research staff find all the important information you need to know about America's enemies. Our first subject: the Iraqi Republican Guard

FUN FACTS ABOUT THE IRAQI REPUBLICAN GUARD

* The Republican Guard were a replacement for the less successful Iraqi Democrat Guard, who would try to whine and tax their enemies into submission. Eventually Saddam became too annoyed with them and had them executed.

*To make sure they were his best-trained troops, Saddam handpicked his most qualified first-born son to lead them.

* The Republican Guard is supported by tanks and other hardware that, according to U.S. military experts, are fun to blow up.

* The Republican Guard are so well trained, that, in a one-on-one fight with U.S. ground troops, they can last into the tens of seconds.

* The Republican Guard are dangerous if encountered by civilians. If you see a Republican Guard, do not run; this only provokes him. Instead, stand your ground and wave your arms in the air while yelling to scare him away.

* In a fight between the Republican Guard and Aquaman, the Republican Guard would win... unless Aquaman could somehow trick them into following him into the sea.

* Though many Republican Guards dress up in burkas in the privacy of their own tents, that doesn't make them gay.

* In the first Gulf War, a confused group of Republican Guards accidentally surrendered to some monkeys. The monkeys then bit them (violating the Geneva Convention rules on handling P.O.W.'s) and stole their vehicles and weapons. Legend has it that they still roam the deserts today, wreaking havoc as only monkeys do.

* To raise money for their uniforms, the Republican Guards hold an annual goat roast.

* The Republican Guard's only natural predator is the camel. It will spit in the eyes of a Republican Guard to blind him and then swallow him whole. The shark would be another natural predator… if only Aquaman were somehow able to trick the Republican Guard into following him into the sea.

* In a show of cultural differences, when seeing the famous photo at the arrest of Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, most Republican Guards were shocked by how little body hair he had and how small his shirt collar was.

* In the first Gulf War, most experts identify the main military blunder of the Republican Guard in their fight with the U.S. military as being that they we're fighting the U.S. military. It's yet to be seen if they have learned from that mistake.

Rating: 2.2/5 (15 votes cast)

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February 07, 2003
Terrorist FAQ
Posted by Frank J. at 02:53 PM

Since the alert status has been raised, I’ve decided to help out by writing this terrorist FAQ to educate the masses.

TERRORIST FAQ

Q. How can I identify a terrorist?
A. Sometime the differences between terrorists and non-terrorists are quite subtle. While a non-terrorist would carry a briefcase, a terrorist would carry an AK-47. If a non-terrorist bumps into you, he will say, "Pardon me, sir." If a terrorist bumps into you, he will say, "Death to the infidels!" The main way to identify a terrorist, though, is the evil look in their eyes. Also, they're Arab.

Q. What about those people who set bombs in Ireland?
A. I believe they are also Arab.

Q. I don't think that's right.
A. Then write your own FAQ.

Q. I tawt I taw a terrorist! What should I do?
A. Immediately jump him and pummel him. There will always be time for questions post-pummeling.

Q. What if I was wrong and jumped a non-terrorist?
A. Have a sincere sounding apology prepared just in case. Also, carry around a number of those "Fun Size" bags of chips. Then you can say, "I'm sorry I beat you up. Here's a bag of Fritos."

Q. What if I need to shoot a terrorist? What caliber should I use?
A. I recommend a .45, but many people now prefer a .40 caliber handgun. Shoot the terrorist a couple times; if he doesn't die, switch to the next higher caliber.

Q. I just shot a terrorist, but I found a bomb near him. What should I do?
A. Cut the red wire.

Q. Are you sure I shouldn't cut the green wire?
A. Yeah, on second thought, cut the green wire.

Q. So which is it? The red wire or the green wire?
A. Could be the blue wire.

Q. I'm just going to try running away really fast.
A. That's what I'd do.

Q. Why do people want to terrorize us?
A. They're retarded.

Q. Aren't the causes for terrorism much more complicated, involving socio-economic factors, the residual effects of colonialism, the...
A. No, they're just retards.

Q. But isn't...
A. Retards.

Q. A terrorist all in black is flipping around and throwing sharp objects at me. What should I do?
A. That's a ninja, not a terrorist.

Q. Well, he's still trying to kill me.
A. Sorry, but that's beyond the scope of this FAQ.

Q. I think I saw Saddam Hussein. What should I do?
A. First, make sure it's not actually Tom Selleck.

Q. Whoops, it is Tom Selleck.
A. When identifying Saddam, try not to just focus on the mustache.

Q. I see a terrorist dressed in black stripes who keeps saying, "Robble Robble Robble." Should I kill him?
A. That's not a terrorist; that's the Hamburglar.

Q. Might one consider the way he steals children's hamburgers, thus preventing them from a normal, happy meal, a form of terrorism?
A. Yes... if you're an idiot.

Q. I am an idiot.
A. Good for you.

Q. So does he also steal cheeseburgers, or just hamburgers?
A. Go away.

Q. I hear that the whole religion of Islam is just a Zionist conspiracy so that the Jews can distract us with terrorism while they steal our money.
A. Sounds logical.

Q. I also know of a conspiracy involving the Keebler elves and the Vatican.
A. You should write a newsletter.

Q. Okay, I've killed all the terrorists; now what do I do to put meaning into my dreary existence?
A. Go back to killing Communists. Consult the "Better Dead Than Red" FAQ.

Rating: 2.3/5 (12 votes cast)

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