"CHEESEBURGERS!!!"

Moore plans on making a new film showing numerous horror stories from people denied access to cheeseburgers. He hopes the movie will move people to demand universal cheeseburger coverage from their government. "CHEESEBURGERS!!!" Moore stated while violently shaking a reporter.

Though filming hasn't even begun, the new project has already garnered criticism. Conservative pundit and noted cheeseburger connoisseur Jonah Goldberg has attacked the idea of the government paying for cheeseburgers, saying, "There's no such thing as a free cheeseburger. Universal cheeseburger coverage will require a huge increase in taxes. Also, with so many people demanding their 'free' cheeseburgers, the government will be forced to ration them and put people on cheeseburger waiting lists. Personally, I'd gladly pay for a cheeseburger today rather than wait for a free one on Tuesday."

Moore's supporters are claiming that the Bush Administration is trying to shut down this movie, pointing to an altercation Moore recently had with police. Yesterday, the police were called on Michael Moore after he ran up to a drive-thru window and shouted, "CHEESEBURGERS!!!" frightening the Taco Bell employees inside. Moore then violently tried to claw his way through the tiny window until officers shot him with an elephant tranquilizer gun. "CHEESE... burg... ers...," was his reported final statement before collapsing to the ground and being dragged away by a backhoe.

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Michael Moore gets hugs from Republicans?

Here's my take on it.

Caption: For some reason, Michael Moore confused "hugs" with the effects of gravity.

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My hate mail to Michael Moore (of which I never did get a deserving response) was probably my most popular post yet, judging from the number of links to it and the how many positive comments were left with it. But, I just checked again, and the last two comments are not very positive at all!

Chris Ball wrote:

If ever I needed reminding, reading the Michael Moore article reminded me why I hate Americans. What a bunch of twats you really are. Mr Moore is surely a rarity as he is an American who has more than two brain cells. At least the rest of the World (excluding Israel and Poodle Blair) understand what a dangerous nation America is. Of course, the majority of you wouldn't realise this because of the old lack of brain cells. At least your current fear of all things non American will keep the majority of you gun loving, God fearing, black hating, crazy Republicans out of Europe. Long may it continue.

Encouraged, mm lover wrote:

WAY TO GO CHRIS BALL!!! The letter to Michael Moore was anything but humorous. I kept waiting for it to get "hysterically funny."

"But he's fat and ugly!" What profound comments Frank. Freaking HILARIOUS! At least Michael Moore has something intelligent to say about the terrible state that America is in, whether you agree with it or not, you should respect other opinions, instead of stooping lower than low.

But instead you'll continue being narrowminded, you'll keep living in this website BUBBLE where America's foreign policy is A-ok.

Why are you so TERRIFIED of him? Could it be because part of what Michael Moore says it the cold hard truth? Wake up! USA is a corporate free market disaster! I feel sick knowing this time of apathetic attitude still exists.

And YES, as Chris Ball was saying, you're playing into the "dumb American" stereotype perfectly by being so closed off. If only you know what the world really thought of you.

They left their e-mail's, so, of course, I decided to engage them in a scholarly discussion:

Thank you for your comments in response to my Michael Moore hate mail, Chris Ball and mm lover. You brought up some great points, so I wanted to respond. For the sake of convenience, I'm going to refer to you respectively as Cheech and Chong, so please keep in mind who you are to avoid confusion.

Now, Cheech, you are quite right, the rest of the world realizes what a dangerous nation America is, which is why most of them don't write us hate mail (we are gun-loving as you like to point out, and God knows we haven't nuked something in ages are just itching to do so). And you are quite right that Michael Moore is a man who has more than two brain cells; it requires a much more complicated mass of neurons to be able to make loud noises through his vocal cavity like he does. As for us being black hating and God-fearing (never heard that used as an insult before), I have a funny anecdote about that. The other day I saw this black man, and I was like, "Black man! I hate you!"

And he said, "But I'm Korean!"

So I yelled back, "Serves you right, you crazy black man!" I was about to go lynch him, but then I thought I saw the Lord, and, being God-fearing, I ran away. I really have to get over that fear of God, as it is quite disabilitating since God is everywhere (except for parts of Europe).

Now Chong, you are quite right that the reason we hate Michael Moore has nothing to do with him being a hideous prick who seems to have no genuine concern for his fellow man, but instead it's because we are terrified of him and his cold hard truth. We know that soon he will defeat our corporate America and take leadership himself. Then there will be portraits and statues of Michael Moore everywhere (wow, think of all the stone that we'll use up to make even a life-size statue of him). We'll be kept in line in our socialist paradise by numerous unshaven, unshowered Michael Moore look-alikes (shudder).

Well, before that happens, I'm sure we'll get to do some more violence to other nations first. Right now there is a debate to bomb the crap out of Europe and drill it for oil. I pointed out that there is no oil there, but they responded with, "But drilling is fun!" and, frankly, I don't have a response to that.

Keep coming back to IMAO.us. I hope you find my posts more humorous in the future. I like to keep a diversity of opinion here... unless of course you're some hippy or a communist. Then I hope you die some horrible death.

Cordially,
Frank J.

BTW, I'll have a very special post that I'll be putting up a little later today. Oh, and one more thing, Michael Moore is fat!

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I liked the idea of a hate mail section, but the only problem is that I don't get that much juicy hate mail. I'm just too loveable. Plus, my In My World parodies can be a bit ambiguous of who I'm making fun of. I saw on one message board that someone linked to one as "great Rumsfeld bashing".

So, I had an idea: why don't I write a rambling hate message to someone. Michael Moore has his e-mail on his website, and everyone hates him, so I though he would be a great target.

Dear Michael Moore, I'm sure you've received plenty of incoherent, frothing at the mouth hate mail before, but I promise this to be the most hatingness hate mail of all. You probably can't tell this from reading it, but it took me an hour to write that first line. That's because I kept glancing at your webpage and exclaiming, "Grah! Do I hate Michael Moore!" I even stared at your face with pure hatred for so long that the screensaver kicked in, you know, the one with floating thing that changes from like a box to a flower shape. It's pretty hypnotic, and then I ended up staring at that for a while. Finally, I accidentally kicked my desk, causing the mouse to move, and thus the screensaver ended. So there you were again, and I was like, "Ahh! Michael Moore! I hate him!" Finally, though, I closed your webpage so I could focus better, so here I am.

To get to the point, what was up with your Oscar appearance? "Oh, look at me! I'm making a radical statement! Everybody look how controversial I am! Tee hee hee." My brother is getting married soon; what if I used the opportunity to give a toast to make a radical statement about my beliefs on tort reform? Sure I'd get a lot of attention, and I do keep thinking about it... but no, that would be wrong. That's not what the occasion is about. And neither is it that what the Academy Awards is about. Instead the Oscars is about vapid people obsessed with their own artificial importance... which I guess in a way your outburst was an expression of. Anyway, shave next time.

And what's with your statement about how the country is actually all liberal and that the people booing you were actually booing the booers? Do you actually believe that? What kind of fantasy world do you live in? Are there elves and leprechauns there? If there are, and I caught one of those hippy leprechauns and he told me, "If you don't harm me and let me go, I'll give you three wishes," (that would be in Irish brogue; I don't know how to represent that typing) I wouldn't let him go, because the only thing I would want would be to give that stupid pinko leprechaun a beating. To be clear, I wouldn't beat him as much as a regular size hippy, because that would be like a huge beating to him because of his small size, which isn't his fault. But I assure you it would be a sound beating, and, when he went back to his leprechaun home, he'd tell the other leprechauns, "Aye, what a sound beating I received; quite proportionate to my size."

I might have strayed off topic. Anyway, I first started hating you when you wished more Republicans were killed when the planes that crashed into the WTC. Well, I wish you were in there.

...no wait, there would still be lots of innocent people killed. Instead, I wish the terrorists crashed an empty plane into you solely.

...then again, the airline industry is really hurting for money, and losing a plane probably wouldn't help them any. So I wish a terrorist just ran into you really hard.

...but considering your girth, that would probably hurt the terrorist more that it hurt you. But I do hate the terrorist more, so I guess I do wish that, but as a punishment for the terrorist, not for you.

Did I mention you're fat? I wasn't going to do it, because this was supposed to be about how much I hate your viewpoints, not your size. But I can't help it; you're an ugly, corpulent bastard. Yeah, that's right; I know the word "corpulent." You're so fat, if the screen got torn at the Cannes film festival, they could just have you wear white pants, have you bend over, and then project the movie on your ass.

...know what; that went too far. I'm sorry. You've probably been dealing with your weight problem all your life.

And what's with wearing the baseball cap all the time? Is it to distract from how hideous you are?

...actually, I guess that works. I remember once going, "Damn! What a fat, ugly man... what's that on his cap?" So kudos on wearing the hat.

In conclusion, I hate you, you fat, stupid, liberal, Commie, monkey-faced, unshaven, retarded, pinko, flatulent, socialist, globular... and I know I need some sort of noun to complete this thought, but I'm too enraged to think of one.

By the way, my sister is trying to break into the movie business as a costume designer. She has some credentials now, but if you have any contacts that could help her out, I'd really appreciate it. Oh, and though the critics didn't seem to like it, I thought Canadian Bacon was hilarious. Keep up the good work.

One last thing: BURN IN HELL!

Hatefully,
Frank J.

That should make him know how stupid and useless he is. He'll probably start crying.

Then again, that wasn't very Christian of me. I feel bad now. I'll just have to keep in mind how fat and ugly he is and that he deserves it.

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