Don’t you love being able to click on the links and reading about these stories?

Well, kids in developing nations will also feel that joy because Thai kids are now testing the new $100 laptop.

It uses a handcrank for power, and has a flash drive instead of a hard drive but otherwise, it’s just enough to get kids hooked on computing.

This should lead to some interesting fundraising commercials.

Announcer: Little Kasem needs your help. Won’t you please help him? For just $30 dollars a month you can help Kasem get DSL.

Kasem: Right now, I surf the net using two cans and some string. It’s only a little bit faster than dial up.

Or better yet.

Announcer: Little Suchin has carpal tunnel syndrome. Won’t you please donate today? Just $30 dollars buys sweet little Suchin an operation and a case of Red Bull.

Suchin: Please help me. Call the toll free number to get my full story – or visit me at MySpace.

The cool part about these laptops is the crank to generate power. That part is awesome. All for $100 dollars developed by a non-profit organization.

They would have bought Dell Laptops but, thankfully, many developing nations have already discovered fire.

Here in California, lawmakers are pondering a new law.

According to the SF Chronicle website, the bill would require pet shops to house no more than four mice per 1-square-foot-wide by 9-inch-tall container, and place an exercise wheel and gnawing item in the cage.

Good thing the state senate has some conservatives. As originally written, the law demanded Cable TV and conjugal visits.

Who COMES UP WITH THIS STUFF?

When I’m at a store with my kids and they want a hamster, I think about the price of the hamster and the food.

I don’t sit there worrying abut the hamster’s cholesterol.

Do I really need a hamster to be in shape?

Maybe.

You never know when it might have to run away from crazed country singers.

**

Remember, I can't hear you laugh. If something struck your funnybone - post it in comments.

Oh, yeah. Lance Armstrong won his 7th Tour the France.

I wish I had more jokes on the Armstrong victory. Really, I don’t follow bicycling.

I don’t know much about it. Do they put baseball cards on their spokes?

All I know is that it’s the one time people aren’t cursing at riders for not following the traffic laws.

But congratulations to Lance who won the coveted Yellow Jersey. Yellow being France’s national color.

Too bad, if Lance had served in the French military he’d have a pair of matching pants.

In Russia, the country’s biggest spammer was found brutally murdered.

I hope they catch the guy who did it so he can get what he really deserves – like champagne, or flowers, or chocolate.

They should give the eulogy the way that he would want it..

"We are here to remember the life of Vardan Kushnir. And while we think about life think about saving over 20% on life insurance from Zurich Direct. No interest. Click here. Gotcha, I’m not going away."

How do you bury a spammer? With lots of unwanted junkmail. But you might say, “Ducky, he’ll never get rid of it. He’ll be stuck with that crap forever.” Hmmm. You mean LIKE SPAM?

Mel Gibson’s new film will be in a Mayan dialect. His last film, Passion of the Christ was shot in Aramaic, Latin, and Hebrew. It was one of the highest grossing films in history.

Ancient languages? THIS is how you make cheap films, people.

You mess up a line? Who’s gonna know?

Actor: “Abuya lana lana kai haba haba kui. Oh, I’m sorry. We'll have to re-shoot. I messed that up. I should have said haba haba koli.”

Mel Gibson: “Eh- @#$% it.”

I would like to officially announce that my next post will be done in wingding. Coming soon!

Speaking of wingdings -representative Tom Tancredo is coming under fire for his http://msnbc.msn.com/id/8703595/">recent statements. During an interview, he stated that America should respond to any nuclear attack on our land by nuking Mecca!!

Now, people are screaming for an apology.

Bombing Holy Sites is wrong people. Just plain wrong. Holy sites should be used for their intended purpose – weapons storage.

**

Enjoy your day.

In other news, the Mar’s company says that their new product will have 20 less sugar than your typical placebo.

In Michigan a woman had her foot saved from amputation. What is the latest treatment?

Maggots.

That’s right. You know what’s worse. The HMO balked at payment.

"I’m sorry, you’re policy only provides coverage for 10 maggots. How will you be paying for the other 25?"

The patient is doing fine and has been moved into the Leech Treatment Ward.

I’d like to be there for that first bedside conversation.

Doctor: Congratulations. Your foot is fine. The maggots ate all the waste!

Doctor: Of course not. Here – Remember to take your M&M’s.

One interesting note. Now doctors will sound like some of my Drill Sergeants. "Good going, maggots. Good going."

While on a visit to Kenya, former President Bill Clinton was offered 20 cows and 40 goats for Chelsea’s hand in marriage.

Bill declined saying, “That’s what I need – ANOTHER cow.”

Hillary is still considering the offer and is waiting to hear whether the cattle and goats would be allowed to vote.

In other news, Jane Fonda will be launching an Anti-Iraq war tour. That’s right. She decided she could no longer stay quiet and has decided to tour the country to call for an end to the Iraq war.

I think she’s already screwing up. She made this announcement to the press while sitting in a London Double-decker wearing an explosive vest.

You never saw so many people make a mad scramble – mostly because they were looking for the remote detonator.

Oh, in case you haven’t heard – the tour bus will be powered by vegetable oil - which is better for the environment and for the bus’s cholesterol.

Is this a crazy world or what?

Anyway, here’s something you’ll really enjoy.

Al Gore says that he got tips from Johnny Carson on how to deliver jokes.

I can just picture them outside on a sunny day, drinking lemonade and working on jokes.

Johnny: “Okay, kid. Let’s see what you’ve got.”

Al: “Johnny, I’m over here. You’re talking to the tree again.”

**

Thanks for visiting. Remember, I can't hear you laugh. If anything tickled your funny bone - post it in comments.

Anyway, the next country is starting to vote, even as you read this. We’ll see what happens in the Netherlands which is internationally known for being slightly less French. At least I’m pretty sure the Netherlands are not in Paris.

Oh. Did you hear the great news?

Paris Hilton has announced that she is engaged to the son of a shipping magnate – whose name is also Paris.

So Paris loves Paris. Hey, don’t I already have that video?

It’s very sweet of her to make this announcement. I know what private person she really is.

Here in California, the Sacrament Assemply approved a measure limiting the size of school textbooks to no more than 200 pages. Nope, I’m not making this up. This explains our new motto: California – where shelf space is plentiful.

Ironically, lawmakers aren’t sure if the law is valid – since the law is 202 pages long. Hmmm.

Viagra is being investigated for causing blindness in some of its users. This has the Viagra community up in arms. How sad to discover new life in your member only to be told it might make you blind. It’s like junior high all over again.

In another announcement, the maker of Viagra, Pfizer, announced that all future prescription will come with a free pair of glasses.

In China, a man imprisoned for 11 years for the murder of his wife was set free. They felt compelled to do so when his wife showed up alive and chatting with people in her village. Turns out that she had run away!

What was THAT conversation like - when they saw each other again?

Wife: So how are you?

Wife: Okay. Not dead. Ha ha. BTW sorry about that.

In Georgia, the runaway bride, was recently indicted for filing a false police report. Jennifer Wilbanks is in treatment right now so her lawyers passed on the news. Word has it that when she heard the news – her eyes got really big.

Poor girl. She has agreed to repay the city about $13,000 for the effort it put forth in trying to find her. I think Jennifer was wrong to fake her kidnapping – personally, I feel she took it to far when she left behind a blood glove.

$13,000!!! Are these city officials crazy? Don't they know this poor girl has a wedding?

Bwu ha ha.

Michael Jackson is rumored to be considering a move. If he is found Not Guilty then he will head off for another country. Someplace relaxing, like France, or Africa, or Thailand.

If he’s found guilty? Well, he’ll be going to Flavor Country. Where he’ll be bought and sold for a packet of Marlboros.

Convict #1: This is Michael Jackson. The price is 10 packs of smokes.

Convict #1: (Introducing Michael to his new beau) Michael, this is Billie Jean – he’ll be your lover.

If MJ walked, do you know who would be the real loser in all of this? The mom. She’s obviously a Grifter, yet not only does molest your kid – he molests him for free!

Oh, well – they'd always have Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride.

The good news is that if Michael can be cleared of all charges, he might be getting an offer to play Las Vegas at the new Wynn Hotel and Casino. The bad news is that he needs to learn to ride a unicycle. And juggle.

In Los Angeles, police are using a network of surveillance cameras to try to catch street vendors selling illegal DVD’s. Isn’t that cool?

Having footage of actual busts taking place? Man, I can’t wait until that DVD comes out.

Seriously, copyright piracy cost Hollywood about $3.5 billion in lost revenues. This is horrible. Losses like this could lead to the industry losing jobs – in Thailand.

On some sets, money is so tight - the actors have to get their own coffee!!

So these cameras work. This is so not fair? Where am I going to buy my DVD’s?

I was waiting the new "Paris loves Paris".

Speaking of deep throat, the newspapers were talking about finally uncovering one of the last remaining secrets from the Watergate scandal.

As you know, Watergate was infamous for exposing cover-ups at the highest level. And for making sure that forever after – every single scandal would involve the word gate. Memo gate. Travel gate. Zippergate.

Anyway, it turns out that the top secret informant, “deep throat”, was W. Mark Felt, the number 2 guy in the FBI. He’s 91 years old now. At the age of 91 he's still very happy to have a good number 2.

Some people aren’t buying it though. He also stated that he was the original Green Hornet.

Ah. The Good old days. When anonymous sources were indeed anonymous sources. And not some crap you made up.

I'd like to close with this tidbit.

A judge in Kentucky is catching flak for offering a different alternative to those accused of drug and alcohol charges. Instead of rehab or jail – he offers them a chance to attend church.

Naturally, the ACLU is filing suit – not because of separation of Church and State issuea – they consider church attendance Cruel and Unusual punishment.

So if you’re in Kentucky and in church this Sunday, try not to act surprised when the guy next to you leans over and asks, “So, what are you in for?”

**

That's all.

Remember, I can't hear you laugh. So if something tickled your funnybone, post it in comments.

The Star Wars Movie is out. Woohoo. I guess this will motivate me to finally watch episode 2. To date, the movie has made about $180 Million dollars. This thing is a cash cow. In fact, sources tell me that Lucas suddenly remembered that the story had another chapter: "Star Wars Chapter 3 ½ - I Still Need More Money."

I still don’t understand why Star Wars Fans get all dressed up. I mean, if you were going to see Jane Fonda in Monster In Law – would you go dressed as a commie bitch?

Sorry. That was out of line.

Anyway, authorities are making busts left and right on all of these pirated copies of the new Star Wars film. Can you believe that? The movie is already being sold by street hustlers everywhere. Thankfully, the busts are easy to make: Look for a street vendor. Then look for a customer in a Darth Vader costume.

Burt Reynolds made the news at the premier of his new movie. As you know, his movie is a remake of the 1970’s football film called The Longest Yard. At the premier, Burt playfully slapped a producer who told him that he had never seen the original film.

Now the question is this: Was Burt being playful? The video footage is sketchy. He’s had so much plastic surgery, it’s hard to make out any facial expression. Heck, it’s hard to tell if the man is sleeping.

In fact, publicists should blame the surgery for the slap. The skin is so tight, every time he raises his eyebrows, his right arm flings out “whap”.

I looked at that footage. How come nobody in line is wearing football gear?

The first movie, in my opinion, is one of the best football movies ever made. Hard to believe Burt is now in his 60’s.

Here’s a weird bit. An Alabama great-grandmother, age 57, recently gave birth to twins.

It’s so special when you and your babies enjoy the same soft food.

Why did she have even more kids so late in life? According to my made up sources, they love kids. It’s just that with their bad eyesight they keep misplacing them. But they’re there somewhere. They’ll find them.

Not that it’s all easy. All the fussing. All the diaper changes. And then there’s the babies…and their fussing, and their diapers.

Speaking of crying babies. Al Franken is said to be considering a run for the U.S. Senator slot from Minnesota. The Air America radio host is buying a house there to meet residency requirements. I don’t really have an opinion on this move.

It’s really the same job as Air America, isn’t it? Screaming about Republicans until you're blue in the face. At least in the Senate chambers he’d have more listeners.

**

Thanks. That's all for today. Lots of good stuff in the works. Announcement. Believe it or not, the RWD site has a new post!!! I know. I'm shocked too.

Anway. I can't hear you laugh. So let me know what got a chuckle out of you.

In England, the mystery of the “Piano Man” continues. Have you heard about this? A man was found wandering around and taken in. He doesn’t speak, but spends hours a day playing the piano. Authorities are trying to figure out who he is - and how much they should tip.

A Polish man who worked as a mime stepped forward saying that they may have worked together in the past. Information is coming slowly, but so far they’ve figured out that the piano guy has had a hard life and has spent a lot of time trapped in a box –which seems to get smaller and smaller.

They are still trying to figure something out about a hurricane…
It would be easier if the mime actually spoke I guess.

This guy is getting a ton of publicity. Maybe I should become the crazy, silent bad joke person.

“In news today, authorities found a man who won’t speak unless it’s to utter really bad jokes. Reports are that his t-shirt advocates detonating a nuclear device on the moon. We go to our field reporter – Wendy…”

Here’s some good news, Scientists think they have found an herb that can help reduce binge drinking

Unfortunately, the herb is Marijuana.

Just kidding!. The herb is called kudzu.

Scientists aren’t sure why it works but they speculate that the herb makes you get tipsy faster: this in turn makes you stop drinking sooner.

This herb has tremendous potential for those who are trying to stop drinking – and for those drinkers on a tight budget.

Newsweek is still in the news. Their story that GITMO interrogators flushed a Koran down the toilet has incited the Middle East into a foaming torrent of Anti-American Hatred. Which is worse than what normally incites Anti American hatred - Tuesday.

The word is that Newsweek refused to accept the writer’s resignation.

How could they? The resignation letter relied heavily on an anonymous source. That’s when you know you have credibility issues:

“I’m sorry. I can’t let you resign, Isikoff, if that is your real name!!”

In actuality, they will be accepting the resignation – they of course need to confirm Isikoff's anonymous source. They do this by the very journalistic process of opening the window and shouting, “Hey, does this sound right to you?”

Bush was very composed at a recent press conference. They asked him about the Koran incident, and he responded, “Are we talking about North Koran or South Koran?”

Do you know who was in trouble? Vicente Fox got into some hot water when he said that immigrants come to this country and do the work that even blacks won't do.

So the other day he calls the reverends Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson and he apologizes to them!!

Ironic. He groveled at the feet of Jesse and Al. Now THAT’S a job no black person would ever take.

Vicente said, ‘I’m so glad we have put this behind us. I would never offend anyone. I look forward to visiting America soon and enjoying the sights, the sounds and those wonderful slutty American women.”

In Wisconsin, a boy caused a stir when he showed up for his prom wearing a dress

The truth is that the people didn’t really mind the dress. But did you see the SHOES he was wearing?

Hopefully, he'll be covered in something 49er coaches haven't worn in a while - Gatorade.

You know who we can blame? That darn prom dress spammer. Not only do they sell crappy prom dresses – but they bunch up at the corners – uh. Not that I would know..And what’s all this crap about one size fits all? Uh? Never mind

So now we have a new ethical dilemma for teachers. When a boy wears a dress – when EXACTLY is the neckline too low?

I guess it’s the firs time we’ve ever heard a guy use the phrase, “I’m up here”
(In all fairness that’s probably a visual joke.)

Dressing the part is so important these days.

The new San Francisco 49er coach, Mike Nolan, wanted to honor the coaches of the past by wearing a suit and tie for all of his football games.

The NFL refused his request..Some blame the endorsement deals with Reebok, since coaches are required to wear only their clothing. I suspect mental health reasons.

When you coach the 49ers, I believe you shouldn’t be allowed to have a tie – or for that matter - shoelaces.

In Chicago, there’s a mystery at the zoo. A third monkey has died. Yes, I know. That’s three monkeys in three days.

First they lost Hear No Evil.

Then See No Evil.

Now – myseriously- they lose Speak No Evil.

Hmmm. I think somebody was afraid he would TALK!!!

HAHAHAHAHAH.

(crickets)

Ahem. (Hat tip to reader RandyM for that article)

Authorities are investigating and protesters have once again showed up.
The last time they were there was last month when they protested the death of Wankie the elephant. Who was the third elephant to die in a 6 month period.

Wankie was well know for his strength, his gentleness, and his ten foot weenie.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.

(Crickets)

Ahem. Uh. Can I get you some more ice water?.

***

That's all folks. I can't hear you, so if something made you laugh, post it in comments. Do you have an interesting newsbit? Email it to me at rightwingduckatyahoodotcom. Do I have to spell it out? I just DID.
HAHAHAHAHAH

Yes, sir. More butter, too? Right away.

[UPDATE: It was brought to my attention that the Elephant joke did not make sense. On re-reading this I figured out that I cut out a whole segment from another joke. Trust me - it was funny. Sadly, I left the joke on my work computer so I'll post it tomorrow. It had to do with a Rock Hill police unit looking for a missing 10 foot weenie sign. YOu know, I'm going to have to start posting every day. I'm drowning in jokes and I end up throwing them in the garbage. Yes, I know, that's where most of them belong... but still]

Speaking of angry mobs.

In Britain, American Sports Tycoon Malcolm Glazer has bought the Manchester United. My top research staff here at IMAO (Frank sitting on the couch drinking beer) tells me that they are NOT an airline.

They are a soccer team. Wow, who would have figured?

Anyway, the Brits don’t take lightly to a Yank buying a Top British Team. They are concerned that he’s only in it for the money, that he’ll take on too much debt, and that he’ll raise ticket prices.

Some fans got together to protest and even threatened to riot. This confused British authorities who are not used to British Soccer fans Rioting WITHOUT a soccer match.

The protest was non violent, but not well attended. Maybe because before fans could gather outside the Manchester offices, they had to pay an admission. Glazer's influence?

Glazer was ready for the rioting too, he had kiosks selling official rioting supplies - like Manchester United Official Gasoline!

Rumor has it that he’ll make some changes to make things interesting – Cheerleaders. Of course, Britain is a somewhat left leaning country – so he’d have to get cheerleaders that are just right. Cheerleaders with socially aware cheers like:

“Manchester.
United.
Can never be defeated.

Manchester.
United.
Can never be defeated.”

John Bolton is still at the center of controversy. Democrats are launching an investigation into him. You know, all I really need to know is what size shoe he wears. This is what the UN needs.

Sure he looks ancient. I’m not saying his look is out of date, but if they updated his look by a decade he might be able to do a guest appearance on That 70’s Show!

But who cares? I’d like to paint that big floppy mustache orange and make him wear a Yosemite Sam hat!! THAT I would LOVE to see!

Koffi: Welcome to the UN Ambassador Bolton
Bolton: I’m the rootinist –shootin’ist t-t-t tootinist. Stick my size 10 bootinis, up your p-p-p- patoot-toot tooninus…

Then I want him to do that thing with the pistols where he shoots himself up into the air.

George Lucas is said to be taking some Anti American potshots in the latest installment of Star Wars.

Direct quote:“In one scene he has Anakin Skywalker, saying just before becoming Darth Vader: "You are either with me — or you are my enemy."..

To the Cannes audience, often sympathetic to anti-Bush messages in cinema as last year's triumph here of Michael Moore's "Fahrenheit 9/11" attested, that immediately recalled Bush's 2001 ultimatum, "You're either with us or against us in the fight against terror."

There are other zingers directed at the Bush Administration, most notably, we see a section of the movie blaming the destruction of humanity on the lack of a filibuster shield.

Later on, there’s the scene where Darth Vader launches a No Stormtrooper Left Behind Program - and there's no funding!!

And who can forget that sweet, touching segment where a tired, frail Yoda blames his skin condition on Global Warming.

I can’t wait for this movie to come out. I haven’t been this excited since the release of White Chicks.

**

Can’t trust those airplanes, man. Or airlines for that matter.

Did you hear about this one? United Airlines has gotten permission to cancel their employee pension plans. That is so messed up.

United says that they need the cost savings to avoid bankruptcy.

In another money saving move, United asked a judge to approve a new business model. They’d like to ensure that you pay a good price for your airfare, but they’d like to have permission to not have to fly you anywhere.

They believe this can help them further avoid bankruptcy.

The Marines are recalling over 5,000 protective vests that are currently in Iraq. It could be that they may not have the right amount of stopping power.

I’m not saying they were flimsy, but when they whacked one with a rifle, candy spilled out on the ground!

Is it a bad sign when your vest was worn last week by a runway model in Milan.

Or the guy who parked her car.

In other news, the Army and Marines are having trouble meeting their recruitment goals.

As incentives they are offering enlistment prizes. In fact, the Pentagon just got a great deal on some slightly used vests!

What desperation!

Speaking of which, Detroit is desperate for tax revenue. They have a budget shortfall this year of about $300 million. So you know what the mayor is thinking of doing? They are looking at taxing fast food.

Do you really want taxes on your food? If I’m debating ordering a value meal, I’d like to think it’s because of the calories, and not the tax implications.

“Sir, would you like cheese on that Quarter Pounder?”
“Hmmm. I’m not sure I’m in the right tax bracket for that one.”

Oh those silly mayors. On May 9th, the mayor of a little town in Brazil declared it Orgasm day and proclaimed it a day of celebration.

Earlier reports had the date as May 8th, but it turned out they were faking it.

By the way, excellent timing. May 10th is when the Brazilian playoffs begin.

In New York, a Russian man was busted with 1,600 badges from every type of law enforcement agency.

This is truly scary folks. The fake badges were made in Taiwan but they looked just like the real badges made in Taiwan.

Actually, they busted the guy on their second visit. The first visit was a bit embarrassing.

Officer: We’re with the police. (Flips open his badge)
Criminal: So am I! (flips open badge)
Officer: Sorry, Mr. ...Janet Reno? Didn’t mean to bother you.
Criminal: No problem. Hey, if you ever lose your badge, I can get you deal on a new one!

Hee hee. Like anyone could confuse a old Russian guy with Janet Reno. Janet’s taller.

A new transportation report is out showing the longest commutes. Los Angeles placed at the top!! We're number one! We're number one!

Traffic is slow here in LA. You hear all about the freeway shootings around here.. but do you want to know the number one cause of death on the freeways? Old Age!!

That’s the problem with the slow commute. You start off with too many of these teenage drivers and you end the commute with death from natural causes. It’s like driving next to the Baby New Year.

Macauley Culkin was on the stand at the Michael Jackson trial today. He did great testifying on Michael’s behalf. He stated that the whole idea of him being molested as a child “was absolutely ridiculous”. Not even when he was asleep. He says he would have known that.

Many a time he enjoyed sleeping in Michael’s bed.So soft. So comfortable. It was all perfect.

Except for all those weird dreams he had where Diana Ross kept taking off his pants.

Childhood is so sweet. He still has all that money that he found under his pillow from the Underoo Fairy!

I’d like to close out today’s monologue with a bunch of Rolling Stone’s jokes. If you are getting up in your years and are sensitive about it – then keep reading. Getting angry is good, it makes your heart pump...

Mick Jagger and the Rolling Stones announced that they will be going on tour one more time. The tour should be very popular and will be called “Save Social Security”.

Just kidding. Mick Jagger is British.

Or should I say, Sir Mick Jagger.

Many people think he’s a knight because the Queen Calls him Sir Mick. That's not true. Even the Queen is respectful of her elders.

Bwuahha.

Some changes in store this tour. There will be about 400 seats on the stage area reserved for Fan Club contests. These contests will be fun.

Remember, you too could win a great prize -Early Bird Dinner and a Show Enter at your local pharmacy.

It will be the first major tour sponosred by Metamucil.

Fans can also win other Stone’s merchandise such as posters, t-shirts, and those little donut chair pillows.

An interesting tidbit, researching the internet I found out that that first Rolling Stones tour actually involved stones as musical instruments.

Sorry, I know they’re an institution – like water. Except water is not that old.

He he. Just kidding.

My family has been big fans of the Stones. I believe my grandma has their first Edison.

Ticket revenue should be in the tens of millions even after you factor in all of the senior discounts.

Buwahahahah. Why yes, I AM evil. Thank you.

**

That's all for today. Remember, I can't hear you laugh. So if some joke in this post made you laugh, let me know which one

A public school teacher in Georgia was fired recently. His crime against humanity? Giving a student athlete a lower grade for sleeping in class.

(Hat Tip: Michelle Malkin)

Of course, it's not ususual to catch a student sleeping in class - I do feel the young football player was pushing things when he came to class in tiger striped jammies.

Other's felt he took it too far when he asked the class to make "ocean noises".

**

So the teacher gives this guy a poor grade and gets fired when he refuses to change it!

What kind of future can this young man have, now? Airport security? Michael Jackson attorney?

**

Let me just say that it is indeed sometimes appropriate to wake a student. In fact, public school policy allows for it specifically. Especially when the student is hogging the covers.

**

You know how they can tell when public school students are sleeping? The test scores go up.

**

So the physics teacher gets fired. However, they might bring him back into the school system - especiallly if the baseball teams keeps oversleeping!

**

Is it safe to blame sexy cheerleading? That kind of stuff can keep you from sleeping.

**

Physics question: Does an object asleep tend to stay asleep, unless acted upon by an outside force?

**

General Motors and Ford both have had a bit of hard luck. Recently their bond ratings slipped and they are now classified as "Junk". Which means their credit rating now matches the quality of their cars. Hahahahaha.

Just kidding.

On a positive note, their cars were indeed upgraded to AAA-POS.

**

I'm not saying that GM has gotten away from making good cars. But their last strategy for quality improvement involved carjacking Toyotas and swapping out the emblems.

**

Good news. Ford and GM are announcing bold new strategies for dealing with the competition.
Bad news. They already issued a recall for those policies.

**

A junk bond status is weird. On the one hand, you can buy the stock for dirt cheap. On the other hand, you just know you'll have to buy the stock that comes with the extended warranty.

**

I can just picture a stock broker with a client.

"Sure, Ford is a good deal. A great deal"
"I think I'd like to invest in Toyota."
"I understand. Let me ask you. What will it take to get you to buy this stock today?"

**

Enjoy your day.

In Texas, lawmakers have banned sexy cheerleading. Meaning that the next time you see a high school cheerleading squad –it will have nothing but guys.

In all sincerity, that bumping and grinding was getting out of control. You know you’re going too far when your cheerleaders walk off the field and their shorts of full of dollar bills.

Now, Schools will be constantly watching the games for anything remotely sexual.

Squad: Gimme an "F"

Fans: F!!!

Squad: Gimme a "U"…

Fans: U!!!

State Lawman: I’m sorry ladies. What do you think you were going to spell?

Squad leader: We were going to do our school cheer!

TL: That is horribly inappropriate. That is just not the way you should do things here at Fulton High School.

All cheerleading squads are encouraged to refrain from sexual dancing. Instead, they ask that they motivate the student fans by doing cheers from stuff they learn in school- like math, grammar, and putting condoms on cucumbers.

No bumping. No grinding. And that’s just for the End Zone Celebration.

I'm glad they passed that law. What are we TEACHING our kids!

A school in Elma Washington made the news when a detective came to class for a cooking demonstration. The dish of the day? Meth. That’s right,good old, get addicted, swipe your neighbor’s stereo, until you wind up in the street gutter – meth

There’s even a video of the demonstration!

The police officer gave them all of the basics on how to make it. Parents of course are outraged. Personally, it’s one thing to make drugs. I think he took it too far when he offered to set the kids up with a distributor.

It was like an Amway presentation..

And you recruit two more dealers, and if you do that and they recruit two more, then you’re a manager. Now, bonus money….

I don’t blame the school system though. It was an honest mistake. Typo really. The class curriculum should have said.. This year we will focus on reading, writing, and MATH!!

The school is trying to recover from the bad press. Hopefully, things will get better by next Monday to celebrate Bring some Nyquil to School day.

Paula Abdul was the subject of an ABC American Idol Expose. Former contestant, Corey Clark alleges that he and Paula had an off camera relationship. Corey claimed that she helped him pick out songs, clothes, etc.

The sad part is that nobody CARES what Paula thinks.

She helped him pick songs? I'm sorry – but if she knew how to pick songs she would STILL HAVE A SINGING CAREER!

And clothes?The judges don’t care what the contestants wear. Heck, next week the theme is Sing In a Clown Costume!!

Poor Paula. She has been through so much in her career. Remember when Paula got sued by her backup singer because the backup ended up having her vocals put on the lead – instead of Paula. Hmm.

Personally, I liked Corey. He was a good singer but he had such a high voice… hey wait a minute. Hmm. High voice? Omigosh- Paula wasn’t looking for a boyfriend, She was looking for a ghost singer!!

Lynndi England was in court today. The judge threw out her plea of guilty. This was shocking. Is there something worse than guilty?

That’s when you know you’re in trouble.

Judge: How do you plead?

England: (Looking around, confused) Uh,guilty with a cherry on top?

Bruce Springsteen’s new album will not be played in any of the Starbucks stores.

Aww. True, one of the songs contains lyrics where he talks about hiring a Reno prostitute for anal sex.

Starbucks isn’t concerned about the language. It’s concerned that it might make people start to think!

Customer #1:Hey, did the Boss just sing about anal sex?

Next in line: Hey, we’d do better in Reno!

I guess as long as you THINK you’re getting good coffee, that’s all that matters.

BBC reports that researchers see no valid difference in treating migraine headaches with either real acupuncture or fake acupuncture.

It’s true. They had a group of people get real acupuncture. and another group got needles put into them at random. And – get this – researchers are surprised that the second group got results. They didn't feel the headaches as much!!

Man. I so need to change careers.

RWD: Welcome to the RWD Migraine clinic. How can I help you?

RWD: Exactly. That will be $100 please.

Dr. Duck. Yep, I can see it now. Remember, I accept PayPal.

**

That's all for today. Remember, I can't hear you laugh, so let me know what tickled your funny bone today.

Do you have a funny newsbit to share? Email me at rightwingduckatyahoodotcom.

Have fun, fun. fun.

Gimme an "F"

Gimme a "U"

[This post censored for potentially foul language]

There’s a rumor going around that American Idol might drop judge Paula Abdul for behaving inappropriately with one of the contestants. She may have provided extra encouragement and guidance to one singer in particular – Corey Clark.

Let me get this straight. You can call them fat, unstylish, criticize the way they sing, accuse them of being Vegas Lounge acts – but supporting them? YOU HAVE THE DRAW THE LINE SOMEWHERE, Darnit!!

Should Paula be asked to leave the show? I don’t know. Make sure you text message your vote!

Wow, I guess I’m talking about relationships today.

It has been rumored that actor Tom Cruise is dating actress Katie Holmes. It seems rather an odd pairing doesn’t it. You see them together and think, “Gosh, could I actually date somebody so darn tiny and so darn feminine?” I don’t know – but Katie doesn’t seem to mind.

A school in New Mexico had quite a scare. Someone called the police saying they saw someone drop off a long wrapped package. The SWAT team showed up, along with the bomb squad. Turns out it was a student’s special project – he had made this huge, giant burrito.

Which is funny. That’s the first time I’ve ever seen a burrito clear out a school BEFORE it was eaten.

HAHAHAHAHAHHA.

Sorry.

A couple of guys are in trouble with the police for stealing some money and then claiming they had found it buried while working on a job. Authorities suspected something was amiss when they kept telling the same story but changing important details each time.

See. Here’s a lesson for the criminal element reading this. You have to know what to say when you’re caught in a boldfaced lie.

Katie Couric: At first you said you were digging for a job. Then you said you were helping a friend plant a tree. Now you say you had a secret treasure map on the back of a Wendy’s menu? Why the discrepancy?

Criminal:Katie, are you questioning my patriotism?

Katie: I’m just saying that your story changes each time you tell it..

Criminal: I’m sorry – did YOU ever serve in Vietnam?

So, anyway. Bad guys are busted and the police are trying to figure out where the money really came from. Stupid criminals. Maybe they didn’t get enough love growing up.

Researchers recently wrapped up a study showing that ugly children get less attention from parents than the pretty ones.

I don’t know. Could this be true? I asked my dad, but I couldn’t get his attention.

Do parents really judge on looks? I keep thinking about my childhood and I realize that my sister did indeed get a lot more attention from my folks than I did.

But then again, she always got higher scores than I did – especially in the bathing suit competition.

Not that I'm bitter. No, I'm not bitter at all.

Mr. Congeniality MY ASS!!!!!

Sorry.

So, maybe we do judge people by their beauty – but think about it- it only affects ugly people – so does it really matter?

Okay. I’d like to wrap up with this sad story.

In Florida, a teenage boy, who was just learning how to drive, lost control of his parents’ car and drove it right through the side of a McDonalds

Thankfully, he wasn’t hurt and emergency workers showed up quickly.

See, you drive your car through the side of a McDonalds here in Los Angeles – one minute later you have two cars behind you honking Hurry Up!!

I admire when people travel the less beaten path. Or in this case, the less used wall.

You know what I would do if that happened to me?

Duckie at the McDonalds...

CRASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!(really loud) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Manager (makes it through the rubble): "What's going on here? Can I help you?"

Duckie (rolls down window): "I'd like a quarter pounder with cheese, a small order of fries, and... hey, do you sell giant burritos?"

**That's all for today.

Remember, I can't hear you - so if anything made you laugh - let me know in the comments.

Do you have an interesting article or funny newsbit to share? If so, email me at rightwingduckatyahoodotcom and share. Don't be so darn selfish.

American Idol is making headlines. Looks like ABC is trying to air a special where they talk about all the backstage stuff. It may be that – get this- judges can influence the decision made by viewers of the show!

I don’t know. Does it MATTER if the judges are too chummy with the contestants and push their favorite?

Folks, this isn’t the Olympics. This is a popularity contest.

Fox is livid that ABC would air such a special!

When asked for their opinions, the AI judges had their say. Simon said the idea was “dreadful and seemed like a cruise ship act”, Randy called them a bunch of dawgs, and Paula, always positive, really appreciated that ABC was "trying hard and putting in the effort."

Juicy tidbit: Did you know that Simon spent the first half of this season always asking, “Hey, whatever happened to that fat, black guy?”

Former contestant Corey Clark is coming out with a book. He says that he and Paula Abdul were lovers and she promised to be his special friend and help his career.

Paula came out with a statement, “I won’t dignify that accusation with a response – but he sure does try hard and I like his effort.”

The Europeans are very happy. They successfully carried out a test flight of their new Airbus A380 jetliner. A plane so big it holds 800 passengers.

There were 30,000 people at the site to watch the tests and there were some great reactions such as: “I’m so proud.” This will be good for Europe.” And “This will be the Mother Of All Hijack…. I mean Airplanes.”

This is one big airplane. Hollywood is sooooo excited about this. Imagine – a plane big enough to hold Michael Moore AND a beverage cart.

While we’re on the topic of airplanes. President Bush, in a show of support, invited Tom DeLay to return to Washington with him on Air Force One.

The President personally escorted DeLay off the plane. He wished him well and sent him on. Afterward, the President joined the crew as they tried to figure out why so many ashtrays went missing.

DeLay as you know is facing an ethics probe. Mostly because of questionable trips paid for by outside groups.

This is a serious charge. Democrats are right to pursue this aggressively. Of course, they have adopted incredibly high standards - ever since Monica gave Bill that free trip “Around the World.”

Air America is in the news too. I like Air America (motto: The alternative to static)

Morning host Randi Rhodes featured a radio skit where they fired gunshots at the president.

Thankfully, there won’t be any investigations for the network. A formal FCC inquiry requires 12 complaints – which is 2 more than the total number of listeners.

I’m not saying their ratings are bad, but their newest slogan is ‘More fun than the Emergency Broadcast Signal”

All this trouble because they were trying to do humor. Personally, I feel that liberals should leave humor to the professional news anchors.

Here in Los Angeles, there’s some controversy over a billboard. Did you hear about this? A Spanish TV station put up a sign saying Los Angeles, CA – with the “CA” crossed out and “Mexico” written off to the side.

The TV station of course sees nothing wrong with it. There is a huge Mexican population here in Los Angeles – some of them are even legal. Yep – I’ve got my papers (wait – I was born here!)

The station is standing by the ad saying, “Listen, this is a free country. If you don’t like it, go back to America.”

Sad. People ask me, "RWD,what can we do about this?" And I usually respond, "What do you mean WE, paleface?"

Oh. Here’s some more sad news.

You know who’s taking steroids these days? Young girls. Really, girls as young as NINE have been found to take steroids because they want that toned look that they see on models.

How screwed upis this? Those models had 1,000 pictures snapped before the photographer got the perfect one. Then they airbrushed it, photoshopped it, and tweaked it to make it look just right. The MODELS wish they could look like models!!!

Thankfully, these girls aren’t out to build big muscles. They simply want more toned legs.

And many of them are getting just what they want: long, strong, beautiful legs. Legs that go all the way up to their testicles.

Finally, from a Baltimore suburb we have this great story.

Some Buffalo escaped from their ranch and ended up hitting the streets. Police took a long time to round them up but approached it with a light-hearted attitude.

Who knows, next week, they could be rounding up the deer and the antelope.

That’s why I like Baltimore people. They are just so mellow.

Baltimore.

Where seldom is heard.
A discouraging word.
And the skies are not cloudy all day.

**

Thanks.

Remember, I can't hear you. So if anything got a laugh out of you, post it in comment and let me know what struck you as funny today.

Speaking of propaganda…

There’s a new ad blitz dismissing the “hype” over American Obesity.

The ads are sponsored by the US Food and Restaurant industries. The ads are in papers, on the radio and they are even selling t-shirts! In all honesty, the t-shirts aren’t selling very well. Mostly because they only come in “small”.

Could THAT be a factor? I don't know.

Today, they introduced their newest spokesperson – Michael Moore.

In Ohio, a man is suing Arby’s restaurant chain because he found something unexpected in his salad. A piece of skin.Turns out the manager cut his finger while chopping salad. Although he cleaned up the mess – he didn’t toss out the lettuce.

It goes to show you how hard it is in this country to remain a vegetarian.

And how expensive lettuce really is.

Skin in the Salad. Fingertips in the chili? What’s happening to this country?

Maybe I’m just too old fashioned. Really.

I just believe its wrong to exchange body parts DURING dinner.

But that’s just me.

I’m thinking about suing McDonalds. I found something in my Big Mac I had never seen before – MEAT!

In Wisconsin, a man kept his mother’s frozen body in the freezer for several years after she died. This was discovered after a very tense standoff with police.

You really have to read the whole article. According to the story, “he didn't tell anyone because he was afraid police would blame him, according to documents filed in court Monday.

He said his mother years before was attacked by a cat and her blood was on the walls in the house they shared, and he feared police would think he killed her…”

Here’s where I don’t even have to make stuff up.

“He surrendered early Saturday without incident. Investigators found 15 to 20 homemade explosive devices, packed with nails, heavy staples and other metal items, a sawed-off shotgun along with 15 other firearms.”

This is depressing. Not only that he stuffed his dead mother in a freezer – but that real life can be so much funnier than anything I could ever make up.

Criminals get caught when they make stupid mistakes.

Neighbors suspected something was wrong when he kept offering his houseguests “momsicles”

Okay. Enough bad stuff.

Funny stuff.

Who says the department of Homeland Security is good for nothing? Besides everyone.

Just the other day they busted a guy at the Mexican border with over 800 pounds of bologna that he was trying to smuggle in. Illegally.
He had it stuffed in his suitcases.
What made authorities suspicious? His passport had a first name – it was O-S-C-A-R. His passport had a second name it’s M-A-Y-E-R.

I'm also grateful for the fact that someone at Homeland Security realized that suitcases normally don’t weigh 800 pounds.

Unless they have airholes.

What the heck was he going to do with ilegal baloney? Is this how bad the ghetto has gotten?

"Psst. Kid. You buyin'? Whatchu want? Crack? Meth? Baloney?"

Speaking of giving kids the baloney, the Michael Jackson trial took a fun turn today. MJ had one of his lawyers fired. Oxman was the guy who they called the "sleeping lawyer", right? The guy who was sleeping during sessions.

There was a confrontation in the parking lot in full view of the press. Turns out that he had gotten fired before, but he kept coming back to the court house. When asked about being let go he answered, "I suspected I had been fired before - but I simply thought I had been dreaming."

Late last week, one of Michael's security guys testified that he brough him a jar of vaseline in the middle of the night. He testified that Michael had a young boy in his room. This doesn't look good for Michael - mostly because that's the man's job title" "Vaseline man."

Times have been tough for Michael financially. He only has the Umbrella Guy remaining. Four months ago he had to lay off The Watch.

Which explains why he sometimes arrives late.

Oh, and I’d like to end with a bit of good news.

The American military has cleared the soldiers accused of killing that Italian intelligence agent. As you know, the troops fired on an approaching vehicle carrying a rescued hostage – a reporter for a communist newspaper.

Italy may still not be satisfied with the results of the investigation. Our troops visited the Italian envoy to Iraq to deliver the report outlining the results.

In a bit of bad news – our troops accidentally shot him.

**

That's all for today.

Pope Benedict XVI is coming under scrutiny for having been part of the Hitler Youth. What's worse - today it was discovered that for a brief period of time - he was also an Episcopalian!!

Nobody talks about the good part about his youth. Did you know that he once had a band called Ratzi and the Cool Cats? No, of course you didn't! I just made that up!! But he does play the piano.

Some are saying he took the name Benedict to fulfill an ancient prophecy. Sometimes people make things so complicated. He chose the name based on his favorite morning food. He almost chose the name Pope Sunny Side Up.

HAHAHAHAHAHa.

Ahem. Moving on.

In South Korea, elephants made an escape from their holding pens and ran wild through the city of Seoul.

Sadly, one elephant ran into ALLEY and hit a 52 year old woman. More sadness-she didn't want people to know how old she was.

The woman was okay. But it goes to show you that you never know what you'll find in an alley. Take that as a lesson kids!!

You know why it took them so long to catch these elephants? They went into a restaurant yet nobody called the police. It goes to show you what happens when people pretend there's no elephant in the room.

Customer #1: Can you pass me the salt?

Customer #2. I would, but something that's not here just put it in it's trunk.

Customer #1:Should we give it a peanut?

Customer #2: Give what a peanut?

Customer #1: I agree!

Jane Fonda was in Kansas City for a book signing when one of the people who waited in line walked up to her and spit tobacco juice in her face. The man, a disabled Vietnam veteran, was arrested.

Folks, this is so not cool. Spitting tobacco is gross. If you disagree with someone, do the civilized thing. Smack them with a pie.

The vet actually made out pretty good. Jane declined to press charges. He was also offered a ride home, a round of drinks from the VWF, and an endorsement deal from Copenhagen.

Jane of course has apologized for visiting North Vietnam and taking pictures at an anti-aircraft battery. That was a long time ago, and in all fairness, she really was a lousy shot.

Oh, airline stuff!!

US Airways had an internet screw-up and ended up selling round trip tickets for just $1.86.

You know what's really sad about buying a ticket for $1.86? You just know that the guy sitting next to you got a better deal!

"A dollar eighty six? Pssht. You got robbed. Ninety Eight Cents buddy AND a free upgrade to business class!"

It's weird when you get that low a price – everything afterwards seems so expensive.

"FOUR dollars for a drink? That's TWICE what I paid for my ticket."

Scientists are reporting that an iceberg recently collided with a glacier

There were no witnesses to this as it was all seen from satellite photos.

Tragically, sadly – the iceberg did not have enough lifeboats! Oh the humanity.

You know what else the satellite photos captured? Icebergs gone wild!! Wow, is there no limit to today’s technology?

In Chicago, a stain has appeared on the wall of an underpass. Visitors say it has the shape of the Virgin Mary. Catholics have laid roses and candles at the site and have prayed non stop.

You know, sometimes I think, "How stupid of people to gather around to see a stain…" but then I see people in Kansas City lining up to buy Jane Fonda's book…

In all honesty, for the longest time I would see an image of Mickey Mouse on the side of my toast each morning. It bothered me so much that my wife ditched the Mickey Mouse toaster and bought Hello Kitty.

That wasn't too much better.

Sometimes. Late at night.

I can hear her little Hello Kitty voice talking to me, saying…

"Kill the dog."

**

Enjoy your day!

President Bush threw out the first pitch for Washington's new baseball team, the Nationals.

He didn't one hop it, but it was a decent throw. Afterwards John Kerry railed on Bush saying, “I could have done much better. He didn’t have a plan!”

The stadium is nice. They have some interesting seating options: Field Level, Plaza, and Protest sections.

Of course, like any protest seating, you want to make sure you sit in a good place. I recommend Bush Lied or if not, try Bush is Hitler. It’s really far to the left, but you’re close to the hot dogs.

The D.C. reporters don't have any experience covering baseball, so they're recycling quotes that they’ve used for President Bush. So the local papers have color commentary such as,

The manager didn't have a plan for winning the game. He should have consulted with his allies.

His mismanagement has led to a decline in his poll numbers.

And

He stole the manager’s position! The real manager should be Al Gore!!

Hahahaha. Al Gore.

Or as they say in West Virginia… AL GORE!!

Did you hear about this? English is now the official language of West Virginia.

This is a great way for organizations to save money. Now Senator Byrd can send out Klan brochures in only one language.

Hee hee. Just kidding. If Byrd wants to send a message, he doesn't need words. He can simply burn a cross on your lawn.

The race for mayor is getting hot here in Los Angeles. Incumbent Mayor Hahn and challenger Antonio Villaraigosa held a debate. Hahn claimed that criminal violence in Los Angeles is down 27% from last year. And that’s just the police.

Villaraigosa is leading in the polls BIG TIME.

Normally in LA, when you see a Latino running that far ahead of a white guy, the police tackle him and beat him with flashlights.

You guys might not know about this. The LAPD is now switching over to a lighter, smaller flashlight after several documented cases where officers used them to bash people!

Don’t get me wrong. They’ll still beat you – but now they have to put more shoulder into it.

Interesting, the flashlights have little slogans on them saying, "Vote for Mayor Hahn."

Elections are so much fun.

They are still working on getting a Pope elected.

The NY Times reports that Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger is the leading candidates.

That is too cool. I loved him on "Cheers."

Ratzinger, eh? Well, far be it for the NYT to be off base when it comes to religious issues.

The Vatican took a lot of precautions in ensuring that no spying took place.

Italian security swept the area and all was clean. So now nobody from the outside world can hear the Cardinals when they look outside their windows and ask, "What's that van doing in the driveway? Is that a diaper service truck?”

So here’s the process on voting for pope. Several times a day, they’ll cast ballots. When somebody gets 2/3rds of the vote, he becomes pope. If this goes on for 12 days, and nobody’s been chosen, then they’ll go to a simple majority vote.

Or as Harry Reid would call it – “The Nuclear Option.”

They’ll signal to the world that the new pope has been chosen by sending out white smoke through the chimney. Hopefully, there won’t be any false alarms like last time when the two Cardinals from Australia were standing at the fireplace, roasting marshmallows.

False alarms always send people into a panic.

U.S. Officials were worried about China and the huge increase of military equipment production. THankfully, upon closer inspection, authorities realized they were NOT products for the Chinese Army – they were for ours.

China recently sponsored the Pig Olympics. In it, pigs compete in events such as running, swimming, and diving. They got the idea from watching the Arkansas pig Olympics. The Chinese event was basically the same. I guess the big difference is that China probably didn’t have a sex scandal.

Or a bathing suit competition.

Or a Clinton apology.

**

That's it.

I can't hear you laugh. So post in comments and let me know what got a giggle out of you.

Do you have an interesting news bit? Email it to me at rightwingduckatyahoodotcom.

Thanks for visiting.

As you know, Republican consultant, Arthur Finkelstein is gay.

HAAHAHAHAHAHA That’s funny.

What? You want more? Okay. Okay.

Arthur is helping gather funds for the Defeat Hillary campaign. Bill Clinton does not like this and has said that Mr. Finkelstein suffers from “Self Loathing.”

Perhaps if Finkelstein applies himself and the Principles of Bill, he can one day reach Bill’s level- Self Pleasure.

BTW, if there so many people out there who indeed are gay, then why do liberals hate it when one of them turns out to be conservative? Aren’t there plenty to go around?

If the Republicans can find one more gay conservative to you know what we’d have? DIVERSITY!!!

John Edwards went off on a rant recently stating that Hillary is not the frontrunner for 2008 and that he’s still a good candidate.

He’s getting cocky over that one little electoral vote- which was cast by accident.

Or should I say 'Ewards" – since the Elector spelled the name wrong.

One Electoral Vote! One!! I haven't seen that much false overconfidence since Saddam Hussein snagged an extra fruit cup.

Needless to say, Hillary is not happy that so many oppose her for the Presidency which she assures us she really doesn’t want and who the hell are you to keep her from being president again – I mean, one day.

Camel racing is big in the Arab Emirates. It’s like NASCAR without all the endorsement stickers stuck everywhere!!

Camel racing is going to have some big changes coming – The Robot Jockey.

For years, human rights organizations have protested the use of children as Jockeys. So they tried out some Robot Jockeys and the royal family was pleased with the demonstration.

Of course, we never know if this drastic a change will last long term. I can just see them trying to sneak kids back into the races.

Red Cross: I was watching that race and that sir is no robot! Bring that over here!!
Prince Abdul: Of course it’s a robot, don’t you see? It’s all shiny and everything.
Red Cross: This is a boy in a C3PO costume!
Prince Abdul: I respectfully disagree. This is a genuine android. Top of the line.
Red Cross: Look at his costume. It says right there: Star Wars!!
Abudl: Yes. Um. Er. That is our sponsor?

Bush is entertaining Ariel Sharon at his ranch in Texas. They seem to get along great.They started becoming friends ever since President Bush stopped saying, “Tee hee. Sharon – that’s a girl’s name.”

The Prez is quite the considerate host. Sharon was homesick so Bush took one of the cabins and had it bulldozed.

Of course, many were shocked by this including the Secret Service, the ranch manager, and the Ambassador of Burkastan – who at the time was inside the cabin.

Chinese protesters got violent and went on a rampage against the Japanese embassy. They were furious at the recent edition of Japanese history textbooks and the downplaying of Japanese violence during World War II.

After the rampage, protesters gathered to celebrate in Tiananmen Square, or as the Chinese call it -Happy Happy Sunshine Place.

China and India have come to an important treaty. Do you know why? Because even China -with it's girl killing, leg stretching, Taiwan threatening faults understands the importance of one little thing...SECURING YOUR BORDERS!!

Britney Spears has finally admitted to America what we already knew....she’s pregnant.

In an interview with a 10 year old for her school paper the little reporter said “It's good you told us before your water broke.”

Britney responded, “Aren’t you cute? I have to tell you sweetheart- water is soft – it doesn’t break.”

Her new reality show is now going to have such a real dimension. We are so going to be able to relate to her. Like when she’s shopping and she can’t figure out if she should buy the entire boys department, or the entire girls department. I feel her pain.

Music labels are trying to figure out how to deal with the problem of college students downloading music for free. Now, the Industry is in NO WAY out of touch with the needs of young people. That is NOT the reason why CD sales are down. We can only blame music downloading software.

Music sales should improve soon. Britney is coming out with a new single –“Me reading my grocery list.” It’s available at record stores for $19.99 or free by illegal download.

In other news, Britney’s label announced the signing of a new superstar!!

They haven’t heard him sing, but they think he’ll be very popular. So keep an ear out for the music of - Ron Mexico.

If you're a regular reader you'll get that one. :)

**

That's all.

What made you laugh? Post in comments.

Best Buy is in the news (Hat tip: Wizbang)

Best Buy called the police on a man who tried to pay for a purchase with a stack of $2 bills.

so remember kids, Best Buy is the place to go for all of the latest technology.
They’ve just never heard of $2 bills.

The company is so suspicious of this latest development and they have even banned their internet site from carrying out all transactions that have a 2 in the final amount.

Man, these guys are good. Here a blurb from their new training guide.

“If a customer’s total is $5.00 and he pays with a $7 dollar bill, remember that you must give him two singles. Stay alert for the $2 bill!!"

Best Buy is working hard at giving good service. They’re also working hard on another chronic employee problem: crashing into garbage cans.

Professional Golf announced that they will start accepting transgender golfers. Female golfers are protesting this move saying they in essence would be playing against castrated men.

Castrated men? You know, can I have ONE monologue where something doesn’t remind me of JOHN KERRY??

This could turn out to be good news for transgender players. However, they might go through some radical changes when they try to get past security.

“I’m sorry. You’re not allowed to play here, ma’am.”
“What? I played at Augusta just last year.”
“Yes, but that’s when you had a penis. No females. Why don’t you go shopping?”

An advisor to Republican politicians, Arthur Finkelstein, is coming under fire for having gone out and gotten married to his same sex partner of 40 years.

Many on the Left see this as hypocritical.

Personally, I’m happy for the guy. The gay scene is so wild these days, it's always nice when you can find somebody who is sponge-bob-worthy.

In Washington, police were praised for tackling a man who “stationed himself on the west side of the Capitol and asked to see the president.”

Not everyone is happy. Today, the White House received a complaint from the National Association of Door to Door Luggage Sellers.

Turns out the guy had two suitcases full of cash. Oh, man. He was just trying to buy gas!!

The cost of gasoline is reaching record levels here in Los Angeles.

In fact, it's gotten so bad, that police are now beating up motorists - just for their gasoline.

It's so bad, criminals are robbing banks and getting away by bus.

It's so bad, we miss the days when it was raining and houses were sliding down hills. At the time, we called it sad, and horrible that millions of dollars were lost. Today- we'd call it a cheap commute.

In Germany, a terrorist attack simulation involving over 1,000 people experienced some problems when a train used in the simulation caught on fire. Sadly,18 people were hurt.

The German government learns from it’s mistakes. On the next training drill, they will prohibit the use of flares, combustibles, and method actors.

The exercise was going smoothly until flames broke out in the rear of the train. At first they thought it was Finkelstein on his honeymoon!!

A woman, who settled out of court with Jackson previously, testified against Michael saying that he begged her to let her son sleep with him. In fact, when she said no, she says that Michael starting crying.

See, it’s always tough when these celebrities let themselves go limp and drop to the floor. She should have done what all those mothers do at the supermarket, she should have dragged Michael out by one arm.

MJ: I wanna sleep with your boooooooyt!!Waaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
Mom: Come on Michael. If you don’t know how to act, we’re going home.

There are some big changes coming to Sesame Street.

The Cookie Monster will be cutting back on cookies in favor of more healthy alternatives.

The creators of the show felt that they needed to have more balance. Especially since Big Bird really let himself go.

So now we can expect wonderful scenes like...

Elmo: Cookie Monster, would you like a cookie. Elmo has lots of cookies!

CM: Cookies? I love cookies. (singing)Cookies. Cookies. Cookie Monster love cookies. Oh wait, how many carb in cookies?

**

thanks. Do you have an interesting newsbit to share? Email me at rightwingduckatyahoodotcom.

I can't hear you laugh. What got a laugh out of you? Post in comments.

Prince Charles finally got married.

I know. I know, “Why buy the cow, when the milk has dried up” but he seems to be happy now.

As part of the wedding ceremony, the priest made the Prince and his bride admit they were wicked sinners for having cheated on their spouses.

It was appropriate. However, I do feel the priest went overboard when he made them admit they were ugly.

Hey, not everybody can be pretty. But it helps.

Seriously. The Federal Reserve did a study and found out that pretty people make more money.

Researchers spend countless hours, staying up late, talking to workers, and counting the dollar bills in g-strings.

They may need to go back and do more research.

Hmm. Maybe one day companies will brag about all of their ugly workers.

I can see the commercials now.

We have the best insurance rates because we save money on overhead!! Just look at all of our ugly people!!!

The good hands people. Because we have to be.

Here’s a really cool article. There are now some public schools wooing home schooled students to get them to attend public schools.

In fact, they’re experimenting with some new advertising slogans such as…

Our teachers are prettier than your mom and friendlier. Much friendlier.

Get out of the house.

And.

It’s been 23 days since our last shooting.

THE FDA is evaluating lifting the ban on silicone breast implant.

Reasons cited are health improvements, safety upgrades, and an excessive number of women with flat chests.

A Detroit Reporter is in trouble for faking details of a story.

The story had to be filed on Friday. Although the game happened on Saturday.

Hmm. Maybe newspapers should report on stories AFTER THEY HAPPEN.

The author also wrote Tuesdays with Morrie – which was later turned into a TV movie.

Preliminary investigations show he wrote the book on Saturdays!!!

His report was fake, but clairvoyant!!

General Motors has pulled their ads from the Los Angeles Times citing frustration with their left wing bent.

Said an LA Editor. “They sure are missing out. Just next Wednesday we’re running a new series. The Top Ten cars for Fascists.”

Is it accurate? I don’t think a real Fascist would drive a Toyota Prius.

The Smuckers company was dealt a bad blow. They had filed a patent on their peanut butter and jelly crustless sandwiches.

The patent was denied. Said a lawyer, ‘With a name like Smuckers, we thought our patent would be good.”

John Kerry was recently in Rome for the Pope"s funeral.

No, not for political purposes. What’s wrong with you people? He was there for the Veterans of Vietnam Mourning the Loss of the Pope Meeting.

Having had knee surgery recently, he was actually on crutches. Physical crutches, not the “I was cheated out of Ohio” crutch.

In typical Kerry fashion, he’s put himself in for another Purple Heart.

This isn’t like the other times he’s applied for a medal. This time the injury appears real.

I’ll keep you informed of this step by step.

Here’s a great rumor. If it’s true, it’s hilarious.

It turns out that Madonna’s kids primarily speak French. She spends to little time with them that now when she visits, they can barely communicate.

Now it all makes sense. This is why the Liberal Elite love the United Nations – the Interpreters!!

Madonna’s child: Le Blah, le blah, le blah blah blah.

UN Interpreter: Your son wishes to express his happiness at your return from America and asks if you brought him back anything.

I love it!!

**

That's all. Remeber, I can't hear you laugh. So use the comments to tell us which jokes got a laugh out of you.

As the L.A. Times would say: Enjoy your day, you fascist pigs.

The Los Angeles Lakers are now officially out of the playoffs. Yep. It’s all over except for watching Shaq on TV trying to win another ring..

So, it looks like Kobe’s court time is going to be coming to an end. - Unless he gets himself arrested again.

In LA we debate whether it was wise to trade the tall arrogant one and have the short arrogant one stay behind.

Man, it’s like the Democrats deciding: John Kerry or Howard Dean?

Except the Lakers know what it's like to win.

Here in California, there’s a new report showing that 22 million of us eat too much, exercise too little, and are getting too fat.

I didn’t read the article. It was way over on the other side of the couch. Who knows.

This has not gone over too well. Protesters were planning a massive rally, then they realized it required 20 minutes of standing. So they went to the local IHOP and chanted slogans at the wait staff.

Hey hey. Ho ho. Low fat has got to go.
Can I get that with extra gravy?

In Canada, a beer truck toppled, spilling thousands of bottles of beer.

Now, Canadian men are just like American men – right? Run and see if you can score a few bottles!!

Actually, in America you’d say to your wife, “Honey, can you go to the freeway and get me a beer?”

The beer company is carrying out an investigation and the driver could be in trouble if they discover he was driving while sober.

Even sadder, two stray animals were killed. They had beer battered roadkill. They've never seen that in Canada. Kentucky, yes. Canada, no.

If the problem in the United States is width, in China the problem is height.

In China, those with extra money are now splurging to make themselves TALLER!!

How? Let me quote the L.A. Times directly talking about two of the people in the article…

“They had a doctor break their legs and insert steel pins into the bones just below their knees and above their ankles. The pins are attached to a bulky contraption that looks like a metal cage. For six months or so, they will wear this stretching device even though it delivers excruciating pain eased only by medication.

They dial the adjustment knobs daily, forcing the ends of the broken limbs to pull away from each other even as they heal. As new bone grows, the device forces it apart again, resulting in more new bone to fill the gap. Patients on the device typically gain about 3 inches in six months.”

This procedure, developed by John “Daddy Longlegs” Chang, is turning out to be quite popular. Especially among those wanting to be actors.

I can just imagine people in China saying, “I want to be tall, like Tom Cruise or Dustin Hoffman.”

So you crank a knob to separate the bones? Ewww.

The guys are lucky, their model comes with a remote control.

This procedure is totally gonna change the social scene in China.

Two Chinese guys checking out a girl in a bar..

“Hey, she’s hot.”
“Yeah. Tall. You think she’s natural?”
“Nah, she probably cranks.”
“That reminds me – where’s my remote control?”

What gets me is that ACTORS are getting this procedure done! If there’s one place in the world you can hide flaws, it’s in a film!!

“Mr. Cruise. Could you step over here in this light. Wonderful. Yes, stand right there next to the thimble.”

The Popes Funeral is today. In attendance will be the Who’s Who of the world. There will be 4 Kings and 5 Queens.

Funny, I once attended a funeral that was caused by 5 queens. Actually, there were four, but then the fifth one fell out of the sleeve...

Mysteriously enough, John Kerry has shown up in Rome on crutches.

His spokesperson says he’s had medical treatment for his knees. It’s from years of marathoning, and hockey playing.

Yeah, and Monica’s lip blister was from stress.

The better question is this: Is he looking taller?

BTW, Kerry isn’t there for the funeral. Now that there’s no Pope, he’s still working on getting that first marriage annulled.

The quarterback for the Atlanta Falcons is being sued for giving his girlfriend Herpes. She is asking for an undisclosed amount. Well, SOME of it is undisclosed.

Price for two drinks: $20.00
Price of a new NFL contract. $145 million.
Having every woman on the planet know that the plumbing is infected: Priceless.

On the plus side for Vicks, no more waiting in line for the showers!!

Get this. It appears that Vicks sought treatment under a fake name -Ron Mexico.

Which, by the way, is a great name to assume when treating problems “south of the border”.

Vick. Remember, if you wish to come back – you’ll need a passport.

**

That's all.

Remember: I can't hear you laugh. Please post in comments and let me know what got a laugh out of you :)

The President along with former Presidents Bush Sr. and Bill Clinton visited the Pope today.

Jimmy Carter was left behind, not because they thought any less of him, but because somebody needed to stay behind and water the plants, feed the fish, and you know, just keep an eye on things.

President Bush wanted to show strength as well as sympathy, which is why Condi and Laura won out.

When Bob Villa dies, he’ll send Jimmy.

I’ve been saddened lately by the passing of the Pope.

I grew up Catholic but am now Grace Brethren (sort of like Baptist). In reading different articles, it seems that everyone is inclined to state whether or not they are Catholic.

Why is that? We don't say stuff like that at other times.

Illegal Immigration must be controlled (Full disclosure: I’m Mexican)

Hillary Clinton is the devil (Full Disclosure: I’m not female)

The Pope was a good man who practiced his faith and served God his entire life. There are people in line who’ve waited days just to see him and say goodbye. There are people traveling thousands of miles just to pay their respects.

I hope when I die that the people aren’t just lining up to spit on my grave. And if they are, I certainly hope the line takes less than 12 hours.

Have you SEEN that?

Some people waited 12 hours to see the Pope one last time. Man, I haven’t waited that long since my last trip through airport security.

Martha Stewart is saying that she wants the rules of her home arrest relaxed.

Being allowed to work only 40 hours a week is keeping her from building her empire and is causing her to lose money!!

It is just so unfair when jail time robs you of your freedom.

It’s like prison!

In Iraq, Saddam Hussein was watching on television when the new President of Iraq was elected – a KURD!!

He really irritates the guards when he watches TV – he’s always saying things like, “Hey, I thought I had that guy killed!”

The BBC has egg on its face. Recently they were working on a segment on the music of Bob Marley. They decided to write the Bob Marley foundation to see if they could interview him for a day or two.

Not a problem, except for the fact that he’s been DEAD a couple of decades.

When word of this got out, the foundation got another call – the Democrats wanted to know who he was going to vote for.

Today was also the funeral of famed lawyer Johnny Cochran. His list of clients included O.J. Simpson and Michael Jackson.

Actually, he’s not officially dead, his case is under appeal.

The funeral was a who’s who of celebrities. It got a bit awkward at the end. For some reason, many were afraid to leave without hearing the verdict..

Richard Gere is traveling across the globe, trying to spread world peace. He’s urged the EU not to sell arms to China and he recently went to Japan stressing the importance of a free Taiwan. I admire Mr. Gere and applaud his efforts. (Full disclosure: I’ve never been with a gerbil).

The FBI is trying to convince people that they need to have a more streamlined way of carrying out their investigations. They want to be able to seize information more quickly.

So basically, the FBI would still know nothing – they’d just know much SOONER.

They are hoping the new rules are appoved quickly. They need to act quickly on a hot tip. Pretty soon, they’ll be going off to look for Bob Marley.

**

that's all.

You know the drill.

Reader Babaganoosh gave us this next item. (BTW, next time, email the item so I can get your URL for a hat tip – hint-still not too late)

A Burmese woman is breast feeding a set of tiger cubs that are no longer with their mommy tiger.

The woman also has a 7 month old baby and offered to help the cubs.

Experts suspect the baby is picking up some tiger mannerisms. Just last week he was found jumping through a ring of fire.

This rekindles the ages old debate – tiger formula versus breastfeeding.

Actually, it’s not so bad. The tiger cubs don’t have any sharp teeth yet.

However, it does get a little difficult when she needs to get them to burp.

My queston is: What makes a woman do this? What is she – a REFRESHMENT stand? This is the kind of woman who stands by the side of the road...

"WHO'S THIRSTY? WHO'S THIRSTY. STEP RIGHT UP!!"
"Lady, what are you doing!!?"
"What's it look like? Can I offer you some breast milk?"

And she stays there all morning long, not letting any of the runners enjoy the marathon.

Many groups have protested a government website that promotes abstinence.
They say that it’s wrong for the government to promote a value. Unless it's abortion, homosexual tolerance, tolerance of anything....

We’ll see how this one plays out.

Some other sad news.

ABC’s Peter Jennings has announced that he has lung cancer. He sent a memo saying that he will be undergoing chemotherapy – and apologized saying he’ll have days when he’s cranky and days when he’s very cranky.

Which is just what America needs – a reporter who can blame the drugs.

So remember, kids, smoking can causse you disease. Don’t smoke. Oh, wait – is that endorsing a value?

Never mind. Smoke up, kids. Uncle Sam needs the tax revenue.

The US Border Patrol is complaining about the Minutemen stationed along the Arizona border.

Turns out that they keep tripping a lot of the sensors. This causes the alarms to keep going off at the main station.

That's tough. It’s been ages since they’ve had a good night’s sleep.

Baseball has returned to Washington DC. Their new team, the Washington Nationals started off their baseball season against the Phillies.

Washington locals aren’t used to baseball. To them, it’s weird watching a wealthy man scratch his OWN groin.

There are too many politicians in DC. The press wasn't sure what to do when somebody finally stepped up to the plate.

DC is the only place where a baseball report says: "And he hit a homerun, completely overlooking the idea of bipartisan support."

But things are moving.

The big hit was the opening day promotional giveaway – Leftover Steroids.

Michael Jackson trial is moving along, and MJ might be in trouble.

A former housekeeper testified that she once saw Michael in the shower with a seven year old boy.

Maybe parents simply MISHEARD Jackson when he said, “Sure, bring the kids over- I’ll WASH them.”

What did they THINK he was saying?

This also explains that mystery song on his last album – “Will you be my Scrubby Buddy”

Oh, and some really good stuff here.

Scientists are working on a bionic eye

For now, it has very low resolution, but scientists think they can they rebuild it better, and stronger than before –

They can also add that cool bionic sound effect.

Dooo doooo dooo dooo doo

**

Thanks. As always, I can't hear you laugh. Let me know what got a chuckle out of you.

The President recently awarded the first Congressional Medal of Honor of the Iraq war.

Army Sgt. First Class Paul Ray Smith died defending his men and saved many lives. His 11 year old son was honored to accept the award on his dad’s behalf.

And following the long standing Army tradition, the young boy then stepped out to celebrate by getting stewed, screwed, and tattooed.

Have you heard about this one? A group has set a goal of creating $100 laptops with the intent of sending them out to less fortunate countries.

This is actually a worthwhile project. Let’s send these people emails of support.

Also let’s remind them of the important nations out there who could benefit from this: Harveyville, Monkonia, and Ducky-stan.

This is a good idea as long as these poor families also have other amenities such as food, shelter, and clothing.

Nothing is worse than a starving kid with carpal tunnel.

Aaaah, Laptops. Uniting the World through pornography.

Here’s a surprising survey. Young teens that having oral sex – isn’t really sex.

Which explains some of their other beliefs: dropping out of school isn’t really like giving up your future.

No really. They did this survey and found out that, for many kids, sex is defined only has intercourse. They don’t consider oral sex to be sexual activity at all.

This has led to an amazing new development: Lots of young guys cruising for girls who Want To Have No Sex.

Well, what do you know? Bill Clinton was right. He did NOT have sex with that woman.

Al Gore has announced that he will be helping to launch a new TV network. The Current Network will cater to the 18-34 year old demographic.

This is so exciting, this is going to make Public Broadcasting look like Public Access.

One of the key people on this project is the founder of Google. This is weird.
The inventor of the Internet working alongside someone who actually invented something.

Why Al? Because he’s just like the potential audience. Young and hip.
Also, young people really seem to like trees.

Speaking of hip and exciting, a huge fight broke out at a recent Kanye West concert.

What’s wrong with young people today? Can’t they appreciate good music?

The incident happened while Kanye was performing his hit single – “I’m gonna beat you down and bust a cap in your @ass.”

Too.

Much.

Violence.

What's happened to you, Rap Music? Now it’s all about the violence. You used to be about the ho's.

In Germany, so many dog owners neglect to pick up after their pooches, that they are considering creating a DNA database of doggie doodie– this way they could track down offending dogs.

Man, I would just love to see a pet owner challenge that kind of evidence in court.

“Your honor. I tell you that the DNA evidence points to my dog.. but I have an important revelation…

DA DA DUUUUMM.

Fade out.

The position of data base coordinator could be an important one. Thankfully, realizing the political potential they had an applicant.

“I’m John Kerry. And I’m reporting for doodie.”

**

Thanks, that's all. Do you have an interesting newsbit? Please email me at rightwingduckatyahoodotcom.

What made you laugh? Post in comments.

Koran scholar says that the USA will cease to exist by 2007. They base this from their interpretation of their sacred texts - the ACLU talking points memos.

A new lab study shows that rats laugh when you tickle them.
Which goes to show you that maybe we need drug testing in laboratories.

"Hmmm. Johnson, you know what I'd like to investigate?"
"Dude, you're ruining my buzz."
"I'd like to see if rats laugh if you tickle them."
"Whao, that is so deep. Let apply for a grant"

Yes, we know they laugh. But do we know if it turns them on?

The Colorado Governor apologized for making a racially insensitive remark.
At an event for Native Americans, he claimed, "The Natives are getting wrestless."

Which wasn't as bad as his previous insensitive remark, "How about them Washington Redskins!!"

A top Boy Scout Official has been arrested on Child Porn charges.

The quiet behavior, the odd expressions, the love of Michael Jackson music.The signs were there!!

How many OTHER Scout officals were lobbying for a clothing optional Jamboree?

Question. When he completes his time in prison, which merit badge does he get?

A 37 year old Bronx teacher is in trouble for paying a homeless guy two bucks to take the teacher's certification test.

You know how you can tell there's testing going on a at a Bronx school? The halls are full of shopping carts.

So, anyway, the teacher's name is Brightly. The reporters go to Brightly's home to get the story. A man about his age and size answers the door. They ask, 'Are you Brightly?"

He answers, "No, I'm my son."

At first I thought - two bucks? what a cheapskate, then I realized - we really need to pay these teachers more. They are so worth it!!

A 15 year old has been arrested in a plot to blow up shis chool

This is sick. Are these kids really inspired by what they see on the news?

Here's an idea!! Try having a news broadcast with students doing their homework and graduating!! Play it non stop on all the networks --- then wait and watch!

Schools in Oregon are limiting junk food sales to students.

Not because it's makes them healthier, they just want them to be smaller targets.

A new government study is out covering the potenial of the internet. Sadly the study was requested 7 years ago.

The report titled, "Signposts in Cyberspace" details a comprehensive study of the internet.

Personally, I read the study and am trying to implement many of its recommendations.

Anybody know where I can get a good deal on a Tandy?

Another study is showing that many of the particles in the air are actualy dandruff flakes.

People are questioning the study because they suspect corporate involvement. The study states clearly that if the right measure were taken, our air could stand HEAD & SHOULDERS above the rest.

So remember, kids - wash your hair faithfully, and when people come to your town they'll say...

Gee, Your Air Smells Terrific!!

Jane Fonda said that the infamous Hanoi Jane picture was a betrayal. She apologized for all of the hurt she may have caused those veterans who served faithfully.

Jane now has something John Kerry will never have. The respect of the Swift Boat Vetreans.

Sandy Berger pled guilty to taking classified documents They would have really thrown the book at him, but the court system had a hard time with the evidence - mostly because nobody wanted to handle it. (These documents have been WHERE?)

In England, a woman at a townhall, yelled at Tony Blair because the public Dental System is so bad, that she had to yank out 7 of her own teeth -with a pair of pliers.

There are many private dentists, but she can't afford it. A least not right now she can't. But factor in the tooth fairy money ... one more tooth.

This story has gotten a lot of coverage here in the states. I guess when you hear about somebody missing seven teeth - it just makes you miss the National Hockey League.

NFL is seeking better steriod testng and wants to match the standards of the Olympics. If you fail once, no Olympic level comptetition for two years. If you fail a second time, no Olympics EVER.

As you know. Baseball was recently raked over the hot coals because they have very low standards.

However, Baseball plans to follow the same Olympic standard.

Fail twice, and no Olympics forever.

Former baseball slugger, Jose Canseco, who in now way wrote his tell all book just for the money - is going to be starring on season five of the Surreal Life.

The surreal life is a reality series where old Has-beens and other semi famous people hang out in a house and get to do fun projects. It has revived many a career like.. um.. that girl with the thing - and that guy. You know?

I'm not sure he gets it. He hopes he doesn't get voted off right away.

The Academy is suing over Oscar tickets which were sold for private use. Just so people could hobnob with the rich and famous.

The academy has always done badly in lawsuits.

It's their own fault really.

"Your honor, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, people of California. We come here today to prove to you...

Orchestra Starts Playing..

"Oh, I never have enough time. There are so many people to blame. I should have written this down."

Which is a shame. Really. Because I would kill to hear somebody say...

"And the verdict goes to..this is my favorite part."

The project to build a NYC Stadium has cleared some major hurdles

Original challenges included zoning, environmental reports, and which teamster to bury under the bleachers.

If the stadium, happens - then the Olympics might not be too far behind. This would be good for New York which seems to have difficulty attracting international visitors but DOES seem to get a lot of visitors from Vermont.

The NBA playoff slots are almost decided. The Lakers are so out of it it's not even funny. We in Los Angeles are heartbroken.

The good news is that Kobe Bryant has stated that he's looking forward to next season.

Unfortunately, he meant the next season of the Surreal Life.

Well, that's all for today. Remember to enjoy life. Tonight I'm going to party likes its 2006!!!

**

Thanks.

What made you laugh? Post in comments.

Peace.

In an interesting twist of fate a family discovered that their used Toyota Camry had two bricks of cocaine in the gas tank.

The bricks were worth over $40,0000.

The downside, to get to them, they had to empty out all of the gas – which was worth $50,000.

They were surprised, but it also explained why the original registration was wrapped tightly in a balloon.

Isn’t that weird?

When you think about it, I guess it makes sense. When you look at a vehicles fuel performance, it shouldn’t have an asterisk. But then again, it makes it fair for all the other vehicles.

Richard Gere is touring Japan promoting the release of his movie, “Shall We Dance?”

It was cute. In a press conference with Minister Koizumi, Koizumi reached around and started dancing with Gere.

It took a while for Gere to realize what the Minister wanted. So he played along great.

Gere said, “I’ll be the man.”
Koizumi responded with something that, loosely translated meant, “And I’ll be the Gerbil."

Jose Canseco will be joining the cast of the Surreal Life - a reality show that places former celebrities in a house together and films them for 12 weeks.

Jose has had troubles in the past with drugs, guns, and women. He is replacing the regular rock star slot.

Shooting starts in six weeks, just as soon as Jose can track down his old Toyota Camry.

He did it for more fame, a bit more money, and to make sure the Minute Men stopped following him.

Everyone is talking about Britney’s breasts. Rumor is that the change in their size and shape might indicate that she’s pregnant.

So, make sure you keep an eye on her boobs for future updates.

People haven’t been this focused on two boobs since Kerry / Edwards.

In the Michael Jackson trial, a flight attendant testified that Michael never acted inappropriately with any of the boys. She did however testify that Michael was a very private drinker and enjoyed his wine in a Coke can.

I don't get this. He likes to hide the fact that he drinks wine, but she thinks she'd fondle these boys in public?

Michael: "I'm a very private person. Please don't watch me while I drink. Thank you. Billy, come over here and sit on my lap."

Lisa Marie Presley was on the Oprah Winfrey show.

Oprah asked her questions about Michael Jackson and whether their relationship was real. Lisa was sweet about it. She commented that she loved him as much as he was capable.

Nice to see that Michael moved on, too. He wanted to have lots of children.

And he has. Some of them twice.

**

Thanks for visiting. If you have an interesting news bit, please email it to me at rightwingduckatyahoodotcom. BTW, now would be a good time to tell our emailers that I do read the HEADLINES!!! Thank you.

Remember, I can't hear you laugh. If anything made you laugh, post it in comments.

CAIR, the Council for American Islamic Relations, is asking Boeing not to advertise in National Review Magazine. Why? NR has ads for books which expose Islam as being less than a religion of peace.

CAIR "respectfully requested that Boeing "address the concerns of Muslims worldwide by withdrawing its advertising support from a magazine that actively promotes anti-Muslim hate."

Boeing officials are concerned. If Muslims are offended by their advertising choices, they might choose another brand of airplane for all future hijackings.

Maryland lawmakers have introduced a bill that would allow students to use sunscreen without having it dispensed by a nurse.

Condoms are still available for free.

Abortions still don't require a note from parents.

Sunscreen though. Over the counter, non pharmaceuticals are a completely different issue.

Labor unions are asking Congress to pressure ABC News to drop Walmart as a sponsor.

That's good. Because if there's on thing networks like doing, it's letting go of vital advertising dollars.

The UFCW represents 1.4 million workers at the nation's major supermarket, food processing and meatpacking companies. UFCW members also work in the health care, garment, chemical, distillery and retail industries.

Some 13,000 people have signed the petition, the UFCW said.

So. 13,000 signature from a membership of 1.4 million workers. If they keep this rate up, in a couple of weeks, their signature total might go as high as 1% of their total membership!!

In all fairness, it is an online petition. They'll get more signatures when they go out there and meet their members face to face.

You know a good place to find them? Wal-Mart. Man, those guys have great prices.

A woman in San Diego is suing three cereal companies over their claim of having cereals that are lower in sugar. She claims that the cereals have no health benefits over the regular cereals.

So? Are they indeed lower in sugar?

If so - what the hell is the problem?

My cereal has a label. It has no apples. It has no Jacks! I'm happy.

Personally, I don't expect anything to be healthy when its mascot is a blueberry flavored ghost!

If she wants to make money off the cereal companies she should try to find a special prize inside - like a severed finger or something.

Burger King has come out with a new sandwich.

It is extremely heavy on calories and fat.
If you want a great deal, you should get the Super Big Combo. It's great. It comes with the sandwich plus the fries, a milkshake, and a defibrillator .

Michael Schiavo and the Schindler family have both agreed that there will be an autopsy performed on Terri Schiavo. This marks the first time in a long time they have agreed on anything.

Well, the only difference now is in the proposed timing. The Schindler's want the autopsy to happen AFTER Terry dies.

Sad. It will mark the first time that Terri is treated by a medical professional.

An autopsy is a great way to prove the extent of brain damage. Now, there are some radicals who believe that evaluations are best done when people are ALIVE, but they're just biased.

A North Dakota politician wants to see baseball put Roger Maris' home run record back on the books.

The idea of course is that the new records shouldn't count - steroids and all.

It's not fair when drugs lead people to bury your previous accomplishments.

Imagine how the Founding Fathers feel.

This is what politicians spend their time on?

There's legal trouble for a Playboy Playmate who stole $600 worth of power tools

She claims that she's innocent. She doesn't even like power tools. Her other turnoffs include: hammers, screwdrivers, and rude people.

They have her dead to rights - how many other people break into a place naked?

See, that's a habit they need to drop at some point in their lives.

If you read the article, you'll see that they looked in through her trailer window and saw the tools lying there. That's how they busted her.

Trailer window?

You know, I always wondered with those exotic modelling jobs.

I guess they really do get to keep the trailer.

You know what's weird about being a playmate? All the best pictures of you have you naked.

Hi, welcome. It's nice to have you come over and play with my son. Are you in the fourth grade too? Wonderful. Say, would you like to see pictures of me when I was younger?

Some male models who posed as wife beaters are now suing NYC.
It turns out that they posed for public awareness posters, but the posters have been out so long, that people think the models are real life wifebeaters.

Sounds funny. But true. So I guess these guys were really good models.

The problem turns out to be that the posters stayed out longer than they should have.

The city is considering removing the posters, which are put up throughout the city. But they might not do anything at all. Who cares what a bunch of wifebeaters want.

**

Enjoy your day.

A man has invented a sorely needed device. He has a filter for your TV that will block out Fox news.

This is much better, although not cheaper, than the old device – a remote control.

Experts predict this should sell big with liberals who strongly believe in all points of view.

This should also not be confused with the filter used by conservatives to block out left wing bias – the OFF switch.

Kofi Annan is depressed over his son's involvement in the UN’s Oil-for-food scandals.

Actually, it's only a scandal when it draws media attention. I think we can almost call this a domestic dispute.

Anyway, Kojo denies the allegations but is very concerned about his dad’s mental health. In fact, to cheer him up, Kojo bought Kofi a present – FIJI!!

Maybe Kofi just needs to party a bit. Hmm.

How about a visit to the UN troops in the Congo! The party never stops, baby.

Come on everybody and do the Congo –
You know you can't control yourself any longo-
Feel the rhythm of the music getting strongo

In an interview with Jesse Jackson, Michael Jackson suspects that there is a conspiracy that is out to get him.

He compares his situation to the cruel treatment received by Mohammed Ali.

Because when you think of bad ass, Black boxer…you think of Michael Jackson.

Hmm. Come to think of it, they both seem to have a skill for putting people on their backs.

The interview is quite intriguing and will be available in next month’s issue of BILF Magazine.

BTW, the judge has ruled that the old child molestation cases against MJ can be brought up in this trial. I don't think this is a bad sign. Unless your lawyer asks if you can dangle him from the fire escape.

Paul Wolfowitz is saying that he wouldn't use his position at the World Bank to preach Democracy.

Instead, he'd spend his time pitching something everyone on the planet truly needs - Free Checking.

Hat Tip to reader Jon, who had this next story to me almost as soon as it happened. Wow, IMAO readers are fast, I’m just too slow.

In Detroit, there’s a bank robber that is called the Michael Moore bandit.

They call him that because he’s very much like Michael. He’s fat, he’s bearded, and all the security tape is edited to blame President Bush.

That and the getaway car is driven by Sean Penn.

That’s silly, why would Michael Moore rob banks? He can focus on much easier targets – like gullible liberals.

Especially when they have their Fox filters on.

And finally, now it is possible to bother every single space creature in the galaxy.

Craig’s List is being beamed into outer space.

This shows you that there is now a new strategy. If the aliens won't respond to all those friendly ‘come visit’ invitations – maybe can trick them here with Spam.

**

Do you have an interesting news item? Send it along to rightwingduckatyahoodotcom with the words roundup in the subject line.

That's all for today.

Remember, I can't hear you laugh, so if any joke made you laugh, post it in comments.

For those of you who have wondered why I haven't posted at RightWingDuck - patience. I finally worked through some computer issues.

Rumor has it that the anonymous tip came from a competitor poet - or so they think. It's not many snitches that can recite a Haiku.

PETA is hatching another plan. They are working on getting together a running of the nudes, similar to the running of the bull in Pamplona Spain.

Man, I don't even when to be there when one of the runners get's 'horned.'

Again, and again.

Last year, PETA had nude runners wearing horns and sandals running through the streets. It was a first for Spain, and PETA. The runners fectched $2 a pound at market.

Donald trump would like to see Michael Jackson become a regular Las Vegas performer at at the New Frontier Hotel and Casino.

Responded Mike. That's not a bad idea, but can I peform at Circus-Circus?

Actually, he doesn't know it, but he would be on a reality show similar to American Idol. The other competitors would be Boy George, Charro, and 3 Elvis impersonators.

Peforming in Vegas? This would actually be a welcom break for Michael whose performing in front of groups of 12. (With 3 alternates)

The MJ prosecutors suffered a setback when one of their key witnesses turned up in Vegas- arrested!

This is too weird. The accused is running around free and the witnesses are in jail!!

A Chicago first grader got into trouble for handing out crack cocaine, thinking it was candy.

Actually, he was better off that way. Do you know the punishment for bringing CANDY to school. Man, the obesity crackdown is getting insane.

Administators knew something was wrong when he was asing $10 for a nickel bag. J

ust kidding. It was only $4.

You know, here in California, Arnold is proposing that candy machines be replaced by fresh fruit and other healthy snacks.

Candy is for losers kids. It won't help you succeed at all.

If you want success- try Arnold's Old Fashioned Secret -Steroids!

As advertised in the latest congressional hearings.

A few nights ago, protestors marched outside a Beverly Hills hotel, where Arnold was holding a $100,000 a plate fundraiser dinner.

You know what I'd LOVE to see. I'd love to see a Republican come out of that dinner with a small doggie bag and toss it to the protesters. 'Hey, here's 5,000 dollars for you. Eat up."

You know, Arnold doesn't have that many fans here in California. He's proposed a lot of budget changes and cutbacks.

They miss his kinder, gentler days - like when he was the Terminator.

Man, how could they NOT love a guy out there trying to kill a white woman!

Scott Peterson is starting to build a fan club.

Okay, what am I missing. You get convicted of killing your wife.

Does a woman stand there and say, "Yes, but he does have all his hair."

Does she look at him and say, 'No wife. He's available!"

Does she say, "Hmmm. Sure, he has anger issues, but he could change."

I guess they'd be fine, as long as they avoided going fishing together.

I don't know

Do they really think that one man could marry so many of his fans. Maybe they're on drugs. Maybe their doing LDS.

**

Thanks. That's all.

if you have an interesting newsbit, please email me at rightwingduckatyahoodotcom. Most of today's links were sent to me by readers (who asked not to be mentioned - but they're real - not imaginary- i assure you). If Imention your article, I'll credit you or link you of you have a blog.

I can't hear you laugh. So please tell me which jokes got a chuckle out of you.

A librarian is suing Harvard because of a "pretty bias." The assistant librarian has applied to become the head librarian, but to no avail.

She might have a case. Just last week, the Harvard president said that "Girls are pretty and boys are not."

She went to court and filed a lawsuit. They knew she was a true librarian when she insisted on filing using the Dewey Decimal System.

Michael Jackson was seen crying in court. He showed up with a man wearing hospital scrubs.

The Doctor told the Judge that Michael is strong enough to participate in the trial and can concentrate.

That's what make celebrities special – they always find that something extra and are able to show up for their court hearings.

The Doctors name is DR. Weiner.

Maybe this is all a big understanding.

"Your Honor - i said to Billy -Have a hard time bending over? Would you like to meet Dr. Weener."
"hmmmm. Okay, you're free to go."
"Hurray. Come on kids. let's go to my place. You guys can touch my monkey."
"BAILIFF!!..."

Did you hear that MJ may have a lien put on his property by a friend who works as a porn producer? It's a pretty big loan. We're not sure if the orginal loan was made in cash or porn magazines.

People are saying this trial has been very lurid and graphic. So far, they've covered all of the porn mags the police found when they raided Neverland.

They found stacks of the stuff everywhere: By the tub, on the sinks, on top of the TV sets. One thing they don't seem to have at Neverland – Bookshelves.

Joss Stone is replacing Sarah Jessica Parker as the spokesperson for the GAP.

How do they choose spokespeople? Do they really shop at the GAP?

I'd like to see more realistic Commercials.

"Hi, when I was poor and down on my luck, I shopped at the GAP. You should too."

or

"My maid says the GAP has the trendiest clothes. Trend-o Clothe-os! Muy Bueno!"

or

"The Gap, it's not just for old washed up has-beens."

Joss replaces the Sex and the City Star.
Gap is hoping she will be sexier – and city-er!

UN is backing a new program called Decade for Water

It is hoping to raise awareness of the value of water as a resource. The UN will spread out and educate as many as they can.

UN Soldiers in the Congo will participate by reading literature, attending lectures, and sponsoring a wet T-shirt contest.

Winner gets to keep her t-shirt on.

And food.

Did you hear abut this?

NASA will soon be testing a new water cleaner

They'll be setting it up in locations around the world in order to test it for use in outer space.

It recycles astronauts' sweat, respiration and even urine into drinking water purer than any found in a tap.

These testers will be placed in areas where clean drinking water isn't always available. I can see it– six months later, at an earthquake ravaged site.

"Dammit, this water tastes like piss!"
"Oops. Looks like the filter needs replacing. Try it now."
(Takes a long drink) "Aaah. Damn I taste good"

They could bottle it up for sale and distribution.

Commercial. A father and son sitting on a hilltop watching the sun set.

"This is good water."
"Yes, my favorite brand – I Can't Believe it's Urine!"

Bobby Fischer will be able to become a citizen of Iceland.

Ohh. So that's where Icees come from!!

Bobby is wanted for arrest in the USA because he violated an embargo by playing a chess match in Yugoslavia.

You know, for being a chess player, you think he would have thought it through.

Bobby: Hmm. If I play in Yugoslavia, I'll be a wanted man. But that's not until next week.
(one week later)
Government agent: Mr. Fischer, we'd like to talk to you.
Bobby: Uh-oh. I think it's time for the Japan defense.

In Brazil, a bunch of people saw a fireball fall from the sky. When they arrived at the scene, they would what was a badly injured alien.
Turns out it was only a rubber doll that had been set on fire and melted.

Which in retrospect, explained the alien's tattoo - Made In China.

Say, let's not jump the gun. The Chinese seem to make everything else – why couldn't it be possible there's some sort of alien factory somewhere – besides Mexico.

YOu want to hear about some big changes? France is going back to 39 hour work week

It turns out that the 35 hour week did not create jobs. Can you imagine that?

Worker: "Boss, I can't work those four extra hours. It is against our compassionate productive laws."
Manager: "Merde.I cannot improvise for 20 minutes a day. I must go out and hire someone else!!!"

Why can't people use their time productively?

Take for example this Blake juror. While serving - he actually produced six song while serving on the jury. He's now in the process of promoting it.

The rules state that he can make no more than $50 within 90 days of the trial ends. So that's good. He can sell $25 now and $25 later.

The songs are available for free at his website. Interesting stuff.

If you play it backwards, you can hear Blake begging people to kill his wife.

Turns out that the trial was excellent inspiration.

Song titles include:

You call THAT evidence,

My wife is dead and I can't find my gun

And my personal favorite...

Juror number # 3, I like you 2.

American Idol’s Paula Abdul may be charged in a hit and run.

So she might go up before a judge. Or in her case, 3 judges.

“I find you guilty Miss Abdul. Personally, I was rooting for you, but you didn’t quite give me what I was looking for.”

As you know, the Forbes list of the Worlds Wealthiest men came out not too long ago. And guess who moved up several spots? The darling of the Left - Fidel Castro.

Now, It has been said that Castro is upset at being on the list. He says he doesn’t belong on that list.

He’s sad. He’s moping.

In fact, it’s been days since he's left the palace.

Forbes said that the list is ‘more art than science’.

Which is exactly what you want to hear from a BUSINESS magazine.

Wouldn’t that have been a great defense for the WorldCom CEO?

“Mr. Ebbers, you are convicted of overstating profits for WorldCom.
What do you have to say for yourself?”

“Well, accounting is more an art than it is a science.”

I’m waiting for the day when congressional budget figures all end with “ish".

Bernie Ebbers, may face up to 85 years in a Federal Prison. Now, some say that it’s not fair for him to be sent to serve time with thugs, rapists, and murderers. I agree. I mean the thugs, rapists, and murderers all have some scruples.

Scott Peterson has been moved to San Quentin prison, where he now sits on Death Row.

He gets a lot of fan mail. In fact, he’s also received two wedding proposals.

And why shouldn’t he? He's young, he's good looking, and he has a real killer place in San Francisco, right by the water.

Maybe if he finds the right girl, he can invite her over for a final meal.

Adidas is coming out with a computerized smart running shoe.

It’s very functional. And if you crash it all you have to do is just reboot. Or in this case -“re-shoe.”

You know what I would want? I shoe that has GPS and talked to you.

"3 miles. You’re doing great."
Huff. Huff. "Thanks, shoe."
"Are you sure you want to keep going?"
Huff. Huff. Yes, I’m fine.
"We’re almost at the Dallas City limit…"
Huff. "I’m fine."
"Aren’t we cocky? Running in Dallas AND wearing a North Face jacket."
Huf. "I’m okay."
"Well, don’t look now, but there’s somebody chasing your butt right now."
Huff. "You’re right. What’s he screaming anyway?"
"He wants to know if you’re an extra large."

That might not be a bad idea to take up running. Have you seen the price of gasoline lately?

Drudge reports that the Bush Administration is studying a nightmare scenario of $4 a gallon.

Do you know where you find gasoline at $4 a gallon? Europe!!

My gosh, that WOULD be a nightmare!!

In Texas, a lawmaker is proposing an end to “Sexy cheerleading” saying the suggestive grinding has no place on the field.

Under the bleachers – yes, on the field – no.

I don’t know. What is cheerleading if not one long, sexual performance, done in your school colors? It's soft porn with pom poms.

Pretty young ladies, jumping up and down…
in short skirts.. ..
uh. what was I talking about?

Some cheerleading coaches are saying that the proposed change wouldn’t affect them. You see, in competition, sexy grinding moves can make you lose points.

Sounds funny to say, but Cheerleading is more of a science than an art.

And finally...

The Japanese have invented a gum that can enhance a woman’s breast size.

God bless the Japanese. Here we are in America wasting all our time making it sugar free!

This is actually a productive thing. Normally, all you get from chewing is a big ass!

Finally, a product to provide some balance.

This will change petty gossip as we know it!

She’s so pretty. Do you think her size is natural, or do you think she chews?

**

Thanks.

Remember, I can't hear you laugh. Remember to post your favorite joke in comments.

Britney Spears is in the news for giving Michael Jackson some advice.

She suggested he go out to a bar, get drunk and get into a fight.

We’ll remember that next time hubby gets arrested for drunk and disorderly.

She said that Michael just needs “a moustache and a beer.”

Which is better than what he had before. a beard and some Jesus Juice.

Hmm. Beard, what is Lisa Marie Presley up to these days anyway.

It was reported that the Olive Garden restaurant sent the Jackson jury pizza. It was sweet – some of the staff overheard a CNN reporter mentioned that the jury never ate lunch but just snacked 3 times a day.

I suspect they’re just trying to get inside information. Look at the order form.

We’ll send you a pizza. Which do most of you prefer?
Pepperoni with Innocent crust
Thin crust with other I think he did it toppings.

When MJ was told about the Blake verdict he said, “Man, I wish I had been on that jury.”

No, he didn’t want to set him free. He just wanted the $24.75 he would make as a juror.

Yep, Michael might have some financial problems.

It's so bad, that Bobo the Monkey has started offering him food.

It's so bad that
Michael and Jesse Jackson are starting each day with prayer.

That just seems so weird.

That's like Ted Kennedy standing up each day to recite the 12 steps.

WorldCom CEO, Bernie Ebbers was found guilty and may face up to 85 years in prison.

He was feeling a bit down, but on the plus side, the prison phones have great rates on long distance.

Mr. Ebbers was found guilty on 9 separate counts. Actually, it was only 6 but the jurors thought it would be funny if they too did some over-reporting.

Ashley Smith, the single mother who helped capture Atlanta’s escaped killer, has already collected $10,000 of the reward money.

You know what I like? They keep referring to her as a single mother, like they’re trying to get her a date.

Ashley Smith, who likes long walks on the beach and Ned Flander types, recently collected some of her reward money.

In Iraq, people are feeling upbeat about their future. Most say that Iraq is moving in the right direction.

What’s interesting is that the results varied greatly depending on their political party. The Kurds came in at 71% Moving in the Right direction, it was 66 % for the Shiites, and 33% for the Arab Sunnis.

Oh, and 12% for American Democrats.

You know the new dangerous place to live? Philadelphia!!

This last week, 21 people have died in Philly violence

It’s so bad, citizens are joining up to go to Iraq – not to fight – they just feel it’s so much safer.

Thankfully, the Lakers came to town to play the 76ers and showed the world what it means to not put up a fight.

Of any kind.

At all.

Inspired by this, Philadelphians are now thinking of moving to France.

Tee hee. The Lakers are really awful this year.

The Lakers are so awful this season – Scott Peterson felt sorry for them.

In other news, NASCAR has suspended three crew chiefs. These guys skirted some of the rules to give their racers extra advantages.

For example, they rigged the fuel gauge to make it appear the fuel tank was full.

Yes, this gives the car a weight advantage, but in their defense - have you seen price of gasoline?

Gasoline prices are so high that NASCAR is considering a new race – The Hybrid 500.

In order to increase national audience, the NFL is considering letting the 49ers and Cardinals play in Mexico.

As a 49er fan I was really excited by this -until I realized that they were coming back.

Mexican citizens were concerned that they were taking jobs from their own lowly pathetic football teams. We educated them – no – and they understand that these are the NFL jobs that nobody else would want.

So everyone wins!

I'm so excited about it - oops. where did I put my gun?

**

Do you have an interesting newsbit or blog article? Email me at rightwingduckatyahoodotcom.

I can't hear you laugh. So post your favorite joke in the comments.

Here a story of scented bowling balls and how sales are going up.

Popular scents include black cherry, chocolate, lemonade, plum, blueberry, grape, banana, cinnamon, orange, amaretto and cherry.

Who decided that the best way to increase product sales is through perfumed equipment?

Try the new Lexus SUV– available in Vanilla and Chocolate.

This is too weird. I guess it makes sense. The other day I bought new cologne called ‘Bowling Ball.”

This will add a new dimension to bowling conversations.

“Hey, I just bumped into Paris Hilton and she said my balls smell wonderful.”
“Cool. I didn’t know you had scented bowling balls.”
“What do you mean - Bowling?”

Failed Presidential candidate John Kerry suffered another humiliation.
In a survey of potential presidential candidates, he came in way, way behind Hillary Clinton.

Maybe he would have done better if the ballots had been scented.

Sad - he also came in behind Ted Kennedy, and two of the Queer Makeover Guys.

Did you hear about this?

Some of the Boston Red Sox are going to get made over by the Queer Eye for the Straight Guys.

Changes will include new clothing, new hairstyles, and lavender-scented bats.

This will lead to fan taunting such as “You suck Damon – but you’re hair is Fabulous.”

You can always tell you’re in Boston when you hear the vendors calling out, “Peanuts, Popcorn - Moisturizing Hair Gel!!”

The CEO of WorldCom, Bernie Ebbers, was found guilty of all charges.

He faces up to 85 years in prison. So he’d be out of prison at the age of 148. Of course, there is an up side to all of this. I mean – look at what prison time did for Martha.

Ebbers, helped his company grow by setting up a series of takeovers of smaller companies. He was known as the Telecom Cowboy. He won’t be doing any riding – unless he ends up sharing a cell with Michael Jackson.

There's a study showing that Obesity in Rural Areas is more common than in the cities.

Maybe the study is flawed.

Could we blame accuracy? Rural kids are the only ones who use weigh in using those big farm scales - city kids have to guess after 300 lbs.

Could we blame availability?
City kids have pantries, rural kids have grain silos.

Plus, you drink more milk when you get it straight from the cow.

(Kid gets up late at night and walks to the barn to get some milk.)

"Nobody likes me."
Moo.
"That’s right."
Moo.
"No, I never thought of that."
Moo.
"Bowling ball? That might smell nice. Tell me more."

(Stays up chatting and drinking milk all night)

The study shows there are many more obese kids in rural areas. Of course, in a rural area – they don’t use the word obese – they prefer the term Blue Ribbon kid.

In Germany, a small supermarket has now made it ossible to pay using your fingerprint.

Cool, huh?

They take your bank information and link it to the print on one of your fingers..

Of course, this will change what you typically hear at a checkout stand.

“I‘m sorry, ma’am. That account is empty. Would you like to use another finger?”

“What do you mean the finger’s no good? I know, I’ve been picking my ear all day long. Let me just clean this off.”
Or better yet.

“While Hans bags the groceries – why don’t you give me the finger?”

This could even change the names!!

I smashed my finger!
Which one? Index, Ring, or Visa?

There’s been some buzz on one of the American Idols , Mario Vasquez, withdrawing from the competition.

People are unsure as to why, but Mario is telling America that it's for personal reasons but that we'll see him again.

Sure.

Making it as a singer is easy. Just get somebody to fly you out to California, write original songs for you, help with song arrangement, hire a voice coach, and set up meetings with top industry executives.

No problem Mario. That’s easy to do.

BTW, if one day the people who helped you get this far flip you the finger – it doesn’t mean they’re offering you payment.

**

That's all for today.

Do you have an interesting newsbit? Email me at rightwingduckatyahoodotcom with the link and a link to your blog (If applicable).

As always, I can't hear you laugh. Please make a mention of the funny jokes in comments.

Hmmm. Maybe those home run records should have an asterisk after all.

Barry Bonds. 670- Home runs*
*Obnoxious jerk, didn'tknow what 'cheating' meant - or 'courtesy'.

Jose Canseco - 400 homeruns *
* Split the big payday with ex-wife and lawyers

Jason Giambi, 500 homers*
*Moved to New York and completely deserved it.

Paul Newman says he'll be retiring after his next movie.

He did a lot of great movies early on - but lately - well, his last movie was very well received - what was it - Dealing with Chlamydia?

I'll look it up.

Personally, I hate it when people use the announcement of retirement to get even more publicity.

In other news, George Bush announced he'll be stepping down after he finishes out his current term.

Folgers announced that it will be raising the price of coffee.
They're making more changes. Their old tag line said, "Good to the last drop."

The new tag line will read, "Go ahead, lick the bottom - it's too expensive to waste."

Analysts link the price increase to various factors including supply, demand, and greed.

A small typo caused a bit of an international stir.

A web site showed that the US carried out a Nuclear test in Sudan. Turned out it was a misspelled word. The Sudanese were relieved to hear this.

Because you know, it's always good to know that you DIDN'T just happen to miss a nuclear explosion go off in your tiny little country.

Hmm.
Iraq. Iran.
Hmm. Ira-q. Ira-n.

Oh Crap!!

Toys R' Us is said to be leaving the toy business.

They may split off the toy division and just sell baby clothes.

Their new name will be R' Us.

Then they'll split off again and just be R'.

Where they will focus exclusively on clothing for baby pirates.

A restaurant owner in the Netherlands fought off a would be robber by hurling French Fries at the guy.
It's made headlines worldwide. It should. It's the first time something French repelled anything.

Funny, what happened is a 16 year old kid tried to rob a restaurant and the owner grabbed the basket out of the fryer and tossed them at the kid.

Cool. Now, when that happens, you really have to chase after the robber screaming, "Hey You want Ketchup with That?"

It's ironic. Normally, 16 year old boys are referred to as "Pizza face."

The Jackson trial is moving along.

You can tell Michael Jackson is taking this seriously. It's been ages since he's walked into the courhouse without a boy date. Or Liz Taylor.

His accuser has been cross examined and admitted that he has lied in the past. That was a shocker. I'm still waiting for the ultimate shocker - That MJ and Latoya are indeed the same person!!

There is some speculation that Michael might be broke.

There might be some truth to that. Instead of using his normal plastic surgeon he’s applied as a contestant for the next installment of The Swan.

Money’s so tight, he cancelled his subscription to Barely Legal.

He's been forced to start a new subscription - to Barely Solvent.

He's so broke, he's started inviting kids to visit Neverland – at 20% off!!

The good news: If you're interested, he's offering SUV dancing lessons. Cheap.

Michael was scolded by the judge for lewd behavior. Turned out he was just trying to get that last drop of coffee. Prices went up you know.

What is it with these performers from the 80's?

Boy George is throwing out the insults at Elton John.

George ssaid that Elton John has no sense of humor.

Some speculate that George is just trying to generate publicity for himself.
Personally, I find that silly.

BTW, George will be performing at the El Toro Motel’s Pacific Room. He’ll be opening for Mr. Zubzub and His Amazing Puppets. $10 Cover charge. Bring the family.

In Florida, there is talk about taxing toilet paper.

True. A law maker is proposing a 2 cent tax on each roll of toilet paper sold.

That would change the way people talk..

At a business meeting…

“Johnson, I’d like to get your two cents on this.”
“Thank you sir, but I already used the bathroom.”

I heard that Jane Fonda had a new hip movie coming out.

Sorry, I misread that. She’s getting a new hip and has a new movie coming out – two separate things.

That’s bad. She should take better care of herself. Has she tried exercise?

I hope her recovery goes nicely. Surgery is always bad news. And bad news is icky!

On the plus side, she’s made a movie with Jennifer Lopez and J-Lo movies always mean sure hit!!

Speaking of hits…

Two retired NY cops are accused of being Mafia hit men

If you think about it, it was fairly obvious. After every hit they’d say, “Have a nice day.”

They are each charged with 8 murders and two attempted murders. How did the two get away?

Easy…

(Police/Hitman walking up to victim's car)

"Do you know why I stalked you?"
"No."
"I’m here to kill you. I’m a hit man."
"No way. My brother is a hit man in Los Angeles."
"Okay. I’ll let you off with a warning."

Yep, being related to a hit man is always helpful.

A police officer is accused of Tasering a guy strapped to a hospital bed..

Don’t these guys know anything. Why didn’t they just wait until he was asleep and just put his hand in a bowl of water?

Am I missing something?

What - was he going to hold it forever?

"Never. You’ll never get me to urinate, man!"
"Would you like another glass of water?"
"No thanks. I’ve had 3 already. Never do you hear me!"

So now this cop is in trouble.

Maybe it's not all bad. At least the Mafia seems to have openings.

The Michael Jackson trial is still going strong.

Of course, after visiting the hospital for back pains, MJ went to the courthouse yesterday in his pajamas

He made a big mistake. Not only did he wear pajamas – they belonged to the victim!

PJ’s? Do you know what this means? Michael Jackson is a blogger!!

He’s much better today. He’s had his Jesus Juice, along with some Torah Toast with some Moses Marmalade. Yummy.

He’s ready to face the day.

Well, maybe not. News reports speculate that Jacko may be on suicide watch

Close friends were afraid they saw somebody dangling from the balcony – turned out it was just Michael watching over the kids.

Michael is running out of money. It appears that he’s broke.

He’s so broke he might start sharing rent with MacAulay Caulkin

He’s so broke he’s worried about the toilet paper tax.

He’s so broke he might have to start holding his own umbrella.

Of course, if he kept his hands on his own umbrella, he wouldn’t be in this mess to begin with.

In other news, the US may be transferring the Guantanamo Bay detainees.

They are tired of being held against their will with no chance of escape.
Starting next week the government will be moving them to Neverland.

Senator Hillary Clinton is saying that there is too much sex on TV

Personally, I’d like to see more sex on TV. Specifically, it would be nice to see some coverage of the UN Rape Scandals. Some of them. Any of them.

You know why she dislikes sex on TV? It keeps giving Bill more crazy ideas!

**

Enjoy your weekend.

Congress has subpoenaed 11 baseball players as it investigates the use of steroids in the Majors.

10 ballplayers and their lawyers have vowed to fight the subpoenas saying congress does not have the authority to do so.

Except for Jose Canseco who will be showing up at congress to promote his new book, “Me and steroids – and the people I shot with steroids” and his new book “Steroids for Dummies.”

Some are saying that the homerun records shouldn’t count the same as others –calling for an asterisk showing that the ball player was juiced.

What’s the big deal? They’ll get it eventually. Can’t you just see Canseco at the doctor’s office in 10 years…

Doctor: Look Mr. Canseco. It appears you have a small tumor.
Jose: Must be from the steroids doc.
Doctor: Yes, you can see it clearly on these X-rays.
Jose. Wow it looks just like an asterisk.

Italy mourns the loss of one of their intelligence agents at the hand of an American GI.

The lady communist journalist is the sole witness saying they were fired on because the United States didn’t like Italy negotiating with terrorists.

We have to be careful with this issue.

In Europe, a Communist has something special – something that no American will ever have – credibility.

But think about it. Would the Bush administration really kill somebody because we felt they were making it look bad?

I don’t know. Is Michael Moore still alive?

The fact that he is still waddlin' around, means we can tolerate a whole lot.

New York Senator Hillary Clinton touted the ethical standards of female leaders like herself on Monday, telling a forum at New York University that women in government are less corrupt than their male counterparts.

Is that because women on average tend to earn a bit less than men?

This is why she is promoting a new law – Equal pay for Equal Corruption!!

A new study shows that Hispanic teens are likely to have sex more often when they speak the English language.

No kidding?

How many times have you seen this?...

"Hey baby, would you like to go somewhere quiet and make out?"
"No hablo ingles!!"
"Voulez vous couchez avec moi, cest soir?"

See, guys. Yet another reason to learn Spanish.

This whole language issue is starting to come up more and more.

A 9th grader has refused to stand for the Pledge of Allegiance because his school is reciting it in other languages. This of course is part of national language week or something.

He says that saying the Pledge in Russian is like going to church wearing a crucifix upside down.

Or, let me add, saying the Lord’s Prayer in Spanish!! GASP!!

Sometimes a 9th grader should be told to sit down and shut up. Which he did. In fact, he went out into the hall while it was recited.

I’m sorry. I’m not jumping on this bandwagon. The Pledge is said first in English, then in the language of the day. What is El Problemo??

Hey, kid. Say the pledge in another language – chicks dig it!

George Soros never gets tired of wasting money or time.

While in Spain he said that more people want to kill Americans than ever before!

Good news – if Soros is saying it – it must be wrong. Hurray. We’re winning.

Soros is saying that Spain has the right response. Soros said Spain had "a very different response to terrorism - a healthier response".

If by ‘healthy response’ he means running in fear.

Here’s my favorite part of the news bit.

"Meanwhile, a NATO plane, 7,015 police and an anti-aircraft battery were deployed over and around Madrid to provide security for an international conference on terrorism."

It goes on…

"According to the Spanish interior ministry, the police presence included units specialized in nuclear, biological and chemical attacks."

If Spain had the right response, than why so much SECURITY?

If I was a terrorist and saw this lack of trust – I would get angry and attack or something!

Teresa Heinz believes the presidential election was hacked.

Does she really believe that?

We have counties that had more votes than voters.
We have counties where the dead voted.
We have voter rosters phonier than a Boy Scout attendance list.

And she thinks that the Republicans cheated?

I guess that makes sense. The woman believes Kerry married her for her personality.

Michael Jackson almost had his bail revoked. He was late for his trial because of back pains.

Poor Mike. First the flu – now these back pains. He should be put in a place with the best healthcare in the world –prison.

Jacko left the hospital and went straight to the court house. He showed up wearing pajama tops and bottoms – and slippers. You want to know what’s really crazy? He wasn’t in a rush – that’s what he had planned to wear!!

To further complicate matters, it turns out that the staff at Neverland has walked out!

They have not been paid in over 2 weeks.

The family has been brought in to help settle the problems. The workers rejected the first offer – payment in Neverland Bucks.

We'll see how things work out.

Maybe they should just lock the gates and run away from it all.

Yep, that's right. That would be a healthy response.

**

Thanks. That's all for today. Sorry for not posting yesterday. There are days when I'm away from a computer and have no chance to write.

Do you have an interesting news bit? Email me at rightwingduckatyahoodotcom and share.

As always, I can't hear you laugh, so post your favorite funny in comments.

The reporter that authored the article, The 52 Funniest Things About the Upcoming Death of the Pope. recently chose to step down from his job. He decided not to take a two week unpaid suspension.

He is now working on his next article: 50 fun things to do while unemployed.

Along with: Fun ways to spend an unemployment check.

In fact, he might even try branching out into other types of writing – such as:
Creative recipes with Macaroni and Cheese.

You know who’s had it equally tough lately? Mel Gibson.

Mel just had a guy put in jail for stalking. Remember, there's a big difference between praying and preying!

Anyway, Mel bought an Island near Fiji for $15 million dollars. But now that faces a lawsuit too.

Some native islanders are suing saying that their families got thrown off the island a long time ago.

Which episode of survivor was that? Was that the one with the naked guy? Or was that the one with Elisabeth?

In fact, this forced removal from the island so upset these people that they are now suing - 100 years later!!!

A bit of sad news, really. Dan Rather is going to be retiring very soon.

At first, Dan resisted the idea of leaving. However, he’s been more excited about his retirement ever since CBS made some changes to the set. Yep, nothing motivates retirement faster than a trap door.

Dan: “I’m Dan Rather, and this is the neeeeeeeeeeeews! Yagh. Ow. Crocodiles!!Call the media.”

Dan’s replacement sits down. “I’m the new reporter saying, - There’s nothing to see here folk. Nothing at all. These are not the droids you’re looking for.”

In South Florida, voters today will consider whether or not to allow Slot machines.

This is different from the way they normally gamble- forgoing homeowners insurance.

Which is different from the way they normally gamble- online Viagra.

Which is different from the way they normally gamble- electronic voting.

The Italian Reporter for a communist newspaper is still saying she was targeted.

Well, what is she complaining about? She’s communist and we treated everyone on that checkpoint equally. To hold our fire would have been to give them preferential treatment. Sigh.

The White House continues to deny that US troops are singling out journalists.

In a completely unrelated newsbit, today the Pentagon announced its new weapons system. The JTS-15 – the Journalist Targeting System.

The job market is doing great. Last month, the economy added a quarter million new workers - or as Ward Churchill would call them - little Eichmanns.

Martha Stewart is back on the job. She said, "Work is great. It's where you find the people, the trends, and the latest stock tips."

She was not wearing the electronic monitoring ankle bracelet. In a nod to her power, she is allowed to delegate that task.

The Michael Jackson trial is still moving along.

You know what I noticed today? Michael was wearing glasses!!

At first I thought, now home come a rich guy like that hasn't had eye surgery - then i realized - oh, this is Michael. He likes to keep thing real.

He probably likes them because they make him look smarter. That's probably how he got into this mess in the first place.

Advisor: MJ, do you think it's wise to have all these boys sleeping in your bed?
MJ: I know how you feel. Let me put on my glasses. See?
Advisor: I guess you're smart enough to know what's best. Get some rest so we can work on your new album- The Best of the Greatest Hits.
MJ: Yeah, those K-Tel people are gonna love it!

Today, we heard that the victims family called MJ 'Daddy Michael' and looked at him as a father figure.

I'm sorry folks, but this is sad. Who the HELL looks at Michael Jackson and sees a father figure? Stick Figure - maybe.

His OWN KIDS don't see him as a father figure and they're HIS- he paid good money for them!!

Has the whole world gone crazy?

In an odd twist, it is being reported that rock singer, Bono might lead the world bank

Why? Because of all his experience pleading for rich nations to forgive third world debt.

Excellent reason.

That, and they know he would stand up to the world’s greediest force: TicketMaster

If you hire a singer for that position, why Bono? Why not Dylan?

That would be perfect.

At a press conference...

"I sez Uh monuh brokuh. Izzu all terr-el"

Public Radio Reporter: No, he said. “I like books. Let’s all share.”

So they are seriously looking at Bono but also willing to entertain other non-singers. It is also rumored that they might even consider somebody with actual banking experience.

They’re looking. But they still haven’t found what they’re looking for.

But they stiiiiiiiiiil. Haven’t fouuuuuuuuund. What they’re looking foooooooor.

Hmm. On second thought, having Bono as World Bank Prez could be fun.

Of course, it would mark the first time that the Annual statement would be edited for the F word, but it's a small trade off.

Word has it that Al Gore won’t run in 2008. 2008? I think he should start running right now. And while we’re at it – throw in some push ups and sit ups.

Or he could keep working on his tan and apply for a better position: Star Jones impersonator.

Remember this one?

Star Jones may sue PETA for using a drag queen look alike.

Please recall, viewers were tortured by Star Jones' on air planning of every last detail of her wedding. She received a ton of free wedding stuff for plugging all these companies on TV.

I can just see her next move on this PETA thing...

Star: I can’t believe they’re gonna make advertising with somebody who looks just like me.
Elisabeth Hasselbeck: You mean Smokey the Bear?
Star: No, you dummy! I mean PETA and that cross dresser! I’m gonna sue their butts.(into the camera) And when I sue somebody, I like to use the people and Johnson, Bernstein, and Allen, who conduct themselves professionally. JB&A – they care.
Barbara Walters: Did you just work in another plug? Didn’t we talk about this?
Star: What’s the big deal? It’s just a little plug for free services.
Elizabeth: Okay, I guess that wraps up today’s episode. And remember, only you can prevent forest fires.
Star: Oh,no you didn’t. Let me at that skinny little thing. Let’s see if she can survive this!!!
(Cut to commercial as all hell breaks loose.)

Do you think Hillary is starting to position herself for a Presidential run in 2008? Who knows. But lately, she’s been trying to positiong herself to the right of George Bush.

Lately, she went and stumped for the protection of Israel.

I’m waiting for her to come out against socializing our health care system.

Today, she gave a speech, “The importance of faithfulness in marriage.”

Did you hear about this?

Former Presidents Clinton and Bush shared a flight from the tsunami and Clinton gave the elder Bush the only bed. When they checked on Bill he was spread out on the floor - and there was no flight attendant next to him or anything!

Hurray for Bill. What a sweet thing to do. That's why we look upon him as a father figure.

I guess that's why he's always asking, "Who's your daddy?"

**

Thank you for visiting.

Do you have an interesting news piece to share? If so, email me at rightwingduckatyahoodotcom with the words roundup in the subject line. Be sure to note if you have a blog.

As always, I can't hear you laugh, so if any joke tickled your funny bone - please post it comments.

Li’l Kim is on trial for lying to a grand jury about a shootout between her people and a rival record label.

What Am I not getting?

Does Pepsi ever do a drive by on Coca-Cola?

Did Tony The Tiger ever take out anyone who was KooKoo for Koko Puffs?

I guess it’s just a hip hop thing and I’ll never understand.

Some bands perform cover songs – others just take cover.

So if things go badly, Lil’ Kim might be doing a lil’ time.

Record Producer P.Diddy will be hosting a new show looking for an all girl band.

Making the Band: Three will feature 19 women living in a loft as they compete for 5 positions in the group.

Compete for the band? I want to watch them compete for the bathroom!

P. Diddy says that the group will be pop with a dash of hip-hop.

All contestants will be judged by their singing, dancing, and marksmanship.

Okay. Speaking of other pop stars, the Jackson trial is getting going.

Reports say that the Jackson team will make the accuser’s mom 'look like a crack whore'.

I’m not sure what that means, but I’m pretty sure it involves winning an Oscar. Is she an alcoholic crack whore? If so, she’s a winner for sure.

This has been tough on Michael, with the trial and all the publicity - he hasn't had the chance to do what he does best – make Greatest Hits albums.

Poor Michael, he thinks people are chasing after him because he had all the suitcases full of money. Turns out they were just full of porn!

Hey, that reminds me. You know that guy that follows the President with the briefcase…. Hmmm. He does look very happy.

Are you sure those are nuclear codes? Now that I think about it, most launch codes don't have a centerfold.

The United Nations is holding a forum on Women’s Rights. Many are not happy with the whole idea.

The UN holding a conference on Women's rights is like Ted Kennedy holding a forum on responsible drinking.

Actually, the forum has value. They’re debating on how UN troops should treat women.

Today, the feature seminar was: Regular or ribbed for her pleasure?

The speaker was the commander of the forces in Congo – he was great! He really showed off his rapist wit.

In New Jersey, some workers are in trouble for performing a skit featuring the KKK. The skit was performed as part of a drug treatment program.

You want to know the real controversy; it was funded by the Campaign to Re-elect Robert C. Byrd.

Senator Byrd is saying that the GOP is using Hitler tactics in getting judges approved.

I wouldn’t take that charge too seriously. Byrd also refers to the Holocaust as “The Good Old Days.”

I understand the Left’s fascination with Hitler. He was European, he hated Jews, and he resisted American military power. If he was alive today, he’d be giving Howard Dean a run for his money.

In other news, Baltimore is hosting the Tour De Clay.

It’s one of the worlds largest exhibits of pottery. They will feature over 122 exhibit spaces, 160 sculptures , and 28,000 ashtrays.

Oh, and check out this news bit. CNN's ratings are tanking while Fox is growing.

CNN immediately accused Fox of targeting its shows and reporters.

The article also shows that MSNBC lost about 23% of its viewers. This puts their total viewer count at 14.

Bill Gates was made an honorary knight by Queen Elizabeth.

He will be not be called "Sir". In order to be called Sir one must either be British or weigh more than 90 pounds.

Boss, yes. Sir, no.

The award is good, but if he wants it to remain valid- in 6 months he’ll have to pay for the upgrade.

Kobe Bryant settled out of court with his accuser. There will be no civil trial.

Thank heavens. Now Kobe can spend a thousand percent of his energy at keeping his team above .500.

**

That's all for today.

Do you have an interesting news bit? Please forward it to me at rightwingduckatyahoodotcom.

As always, I can't hear you laugh.Please post your favorite joke in comments.

**

Canada recently announced that they won’t participate in our plans for a missile defense shield

Officials say that negotiations were tense but cordial.

“President Bush, we cannot participate in your shield program, it costs too much.”
“Well, Prime Minister Whatever, I guess we’re not really friends, are we?”
“Do you still want to save 20% on your prescription drugs? You need
Canada.”
“Do you still want our doctors to perform your heart bypass surgeries? You need us, too.”

Today, they announced a compromise that fits within the Canadian Budget – Project GZR

Project GZR will feature volunteer Canadians, mostly retired citizens, who will sit on rooftops with really big nets. Canada is hoping it goes well.

"William. Heads up. Incoming!!"
"Huh? What?"
"Here it comes, get ready to catch it!"
"Huh? What?"
"There it goes. You missed it you dang fool."
"Huh? What?"

**

Hillary got the big smackdown from the leading Iraqi candidate, Dr. Ibrahim Jafari.

Read the blurb. He basically said, "Who the hell are you? Shut up and keep an eye on your husband."

On a press show, she mentioned that she had concerns that the Iraqi leader might have close ties to Iran.

Maybe Senator Clinton should have used her other prepared statement, the one where she complains about the other finalist and his close ties to the United States.

It’s strange to see something like this reported.

In Hillary’s case, her usual problem is under-reporting. But I don’t want to talk about her adventures in fundraising.

Hillary issued a statement saying we can’t trust any conservative reporters because they might have links to homosexuality.

Harry Reid is opening a Senate Investigation into the Gannon/Guckert affair. .

GASP, Oh no, the Democrats are winning. We have Dan Rather’s Head on our Fake But Accurate platters, we have Eason Jordan’s Protect Me From the Troops Resignation letter – but crap. They got Gannon! Damn, he was the turning point for our new Press Credential Program – Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.

We need a replacement. Is Andrew Sullivan still retired?

The Washington Post has a big write up on Condi Rice.

On her visits to heads of state? No.

On her progress to bitch slap those Euro-weenies into place? No.

Here is the number one issue: Her Sexy Boots- yes, Power Clothing.

The Post stated: The boots had a high, slender heel that is not particularly practical.

While I respect the quality of the Washington Post – I love the topless girl on page 3 - I have to disagree.

Practical heels? What – does the Secretary of State do a lot of hiking or something?

Oh, sure. NOW she’s supposed to dress like Dick Cheney at a Holocaust commemoration!!

As a writer, let me just say this: It’s nice to see the Queer Eye guys getting into real journalism. I believe Mr. Gannon is looking for work…

IMAO reader, Kirsten sent me this great article. Scientists have spotted an invisible Galaxy.

I know what you’re thinking, “If it’s invisible, how did they see it?”

It's a secret, but let me just say this: Remember, if you’re an invisible galaxy, try not wearing so many clothes.

Also, avoid devouring other galaxies as they are seen for a while as they digest.

Scientists are hoping to develop a mission where they can send up a bunch of invisible astronauts.

It’s best to be invisible galaxy; otherwise, the Washington Post would go around calling you a Dominatrix system.

A Animal Right's Activists are protesting a new candy made by Kraft - Trolli Roadkill Gummi Candy.

The Kraft company is pulling one of their ads. They will be allowed to keep making their Gummi SUV's as they are evil and must be devoured.

In other news, the Trolli company announced their newest line… Dead Islamic Terrorists Gummy Candy!!

Yipee. A suicide bomber!!
Aww, I got an insurgent, I wanted the CNN reporter
Hmmmm. You can practically taste the hatred. Minty.

Charles Rangel immediately protested the use of the phrase, “Islamic Terrorist”

The Trolli company will soon be changing the name – to US Marine Roadkill Gummies.

Catholic organizations are livid over a scene in the series “The Committed” where two actors take a host, the Catholic communion wafer, and flush it down the toilet

I agree with this outrage.

It is never appropriate to flush a host down the toilet – unless it’s Regis Philbin.

The reaction has been so strong, that the show is rethinking an upcoming scene where one of the main stars takes a page from the Holy Bible - and uses it to wipe his ass!!

No final decision has been made.

A British TV station has vieweres outraged over the recent TV broadcast of an exorcism

Said a spokesman, “We sincerely apologize if any viewers were offended by the recent broadcast. Although we saw the scene in question with a man tied up, screaming and cursing, with sweat and foam coming out of his mouth – we operated under the mistaken assumption we were broadcasting a segment on the American, Howard Dean…”

In a related incident, after witnessing the Exorcism, Republicans called the BBC demanding equal time.

**

That's it folks. Enjoy your weekend. Remember, I can't hear you laugh, so post your favorite joke in comments.

BTW, do you have an interesting newsbit? Please email me at rightwingduckatyahoodotcom (put roundup in the subject line) along with your blog URL.

I have to go. These boots are killing me. Man, they're not very practical.