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September 04, 2008
Obama Campaign Struggles With Gerbil-Gate Scandal
Posted by Harvey at 10:00 AM

WASHINGTON (AP) - Barack Obama today is reeling from accusations that the Democratic presidential hopeful habitually indulges in the peculiar fetish of dressing gerbils in lederhosen. Spokesmen for the campaign deny the accusation.

Obama dresses gerbils in lederhosen - damning photographic evidence (AP Photo/Chris Muir)

"This is the craziest thing I've ever heard," said Obama spokesman Bill Burton. "Mr. Obama is a respected Senator and has never - I repeat, NEVER - forced any domesticated rodent to don festive Bavarian attire."

In his book, "Dreams from My Father", Obama did admit to having once dressed a kitten in a tutu, but dismissed the incident as "youthful experimentation" which did not continue into his adult years.

Some, however, believe that Obama's forays into the seamy world of mammalian fashionalia was not put away with his childhood toys. David Freddoso noted in his book, "The Case Against Barack Obama", that many of Obama's adult associates were animal-dressers. "Unrepentant domestic terrorist William Ayers - ferrets in fezzes... Black liberation theologist Reverend Jeremiah Wright - white cats in Klan hats... Money-laundering political influence peddler Tony Rezko - badgers in burkas... with friends like these to help him feel 'normal', Obama's oft-disclaimed penchant for putting gerbils in lederhosen seemed a natural outlet for relieving the tension of the campaign trail."

Obama neighbor and dangerously crazed extreme right-wing cartoonist Chris Muir claims to be an eye-witness to Obama's bestial haberdashery. "I was rooting through Barack's garbage, hoping to find some old pizza crusts or something - web cartooning don't pay squat, and I was SO hungry - when this little rat-thing runs squeaking across the lawn like something out of the Stephen King version of 'The Sound of Music'. I got my camera and snapped a picture. I'll trade it to ya for some Ramen noodles. I'm SO hungry."

Burton claims the picture is a fake. "You call this proof? This isn't even a GOOD fake! Look at this thing! The lederhosen are DRAWN on! What kind of pathetically retarded moron would believe this is real?"

MoveOn.org spokesman Adam Green announced that his organization has started a petition to have Obama removed from the Democratic presidential ticket and replaced by Hillary Clinton. "We can't condone the forced costuming of subservient companion animals," said Green. "When Hillary used to make Bill dress up as Little Bo Peep, at least it was consensual."

Rating: 3.2/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (11)
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August 28, 2008
Pelosi Endorses "Drill Here, Drill Now" Strategy To Address Democrat Brain Shortage
Posted by Harvey at 11:01 AM

DENVER (AP) - At a train station outside the Democrat convention, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi sought volunteers to help ease the severe shortage of gray matter in the Democrat Party, asking one group "can we drill your brains?".

"Trepan here, trepan now!"

"It's no secret that Democrats have been low on brains for a long time now," said Pelosi, "as our convention so sadly illustrates. From our presumptive candidate not knowing whether he was in St. Louis or Kansas City, to his mental defective veep referring to him as 'Barack America', to our tribute to Ted Kennedy opening AND closing with scenes of open water - dear God in heaven, we just aren't that bright."

While some in the Democrat party have advocated clean, renewable sources of brains - such as babies - left-wing scientists are unable to discover a practical method of bringing them out into the world alive so that they can grow. "There's no commercially viable way to turn these bits of fetal tissue into something that can think like a human being," noted Pelosi, "even the Pope agrees with that."

"We've tried using trained monkeys as a substitute for smart people," said the Speaker, "but all that got us was MoveOn.org."

The Democrat party is currently heavily dependent on brains from overseas, such as Canadian health ministers, Iranian mullahs, and Manifesto-writing Russian philosophers. Such a strategically questionable over-reliance on foreign sources puts Liberals in a precarious position. "What if the rest of the world suddenly stopped thinking in a socially responsible fashion and simply left the United States to think for itself? Some people scoff that this could never happen, but those people have obviously forgotten about the dreadful Reagan years."

"So I think that, in the end, our only realistic choice is to drill for brains here in the US," concluded Pelosi. "Then again, ramming a 4-inch steel bit through someone's skull with a Black & Decker cordless might actually be a monumentally idiotic feel-good pipe-dream instead of a sensible plan for ensuring the future of our nation. But I'm a Democrat, so I really wouldn't be able to tell the difference."

Rating: 2.8/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (26)
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August 20, 2008
Obama Finally Announces Selection for Vice President
Posted by Harvey at 10:59 AM

WASHINGTON (AP) - After months of careful deliberation, presumptive Democrat Party presidential nominee Barack Obama today announced the identity of his vice-presidential running mate - an American Flag. The announcement comes amidst - and possibly in response to - recent attacks by Republican candidate John McCain, who has repeatedly questioned the patriotism of Mr. Obama.

"Obama - Flag '08: Patrioticer Than You!"

"People - and I use the term loosely, since I mean 'Republicans' - have questioned my patriotism for months," said Obama at today's press conference. "They accused me of not loving my country because I wouldn't wear an American Flag lapel pin. Truth is, I didn't wear it for the same reason John McCain doesn't wear a Mitt Romney lapel pin. I didn't want to give away my choice for Vice President."

"The American Flag and I enjoy a close personal relationship," said Obama, "very casual, very comfortable. Neither one of us feels compelled to make phony hand-over-heart gestures in each other's presence. It's a relationship where the mutual love and respect is just so well understood that it never needs to be spoken of in public."

"You hear me, McCain?" shouted Obama, shaking his upraised fist, "I said NEVER!"

Although disappointed at not being chosen, Senator Joe Biden still praised Obama's selection. "It's no secret that Barack Obama has no military experience. On this issue an American Flag brings much needed balance to the ticket, having proudly served overseas in every war this country has fought. However, like Obama, it's also very experienced at saying nothing intelligent while waving at crowds of foreigners."

Still, not everyone approves of the selection. Bubba Gumperson, self-appointed "Town Bigot" of Hogeye, Arkansas, says that Obama's veep choice won't affect his vote. "Well, I ain't votin' for that colored fella, 'cause he's half white & half black. I sure as HELL ain't voting for the other colored fella - he's half white, half red, and half blue. Besides, I hear both of them is half Muslim to boot."

Rating: 2.3/5 (21 votes cast)

Comments (39)
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August 13, 2008
McCain Campaign Admits to "Celebrity McCain" Ad Prank
Posted by Harvey at 11:40 AM

WASHINGTON (AP) - The McCain campaign today admitted that the "Celebrity" attack ad supposedly released by the Obama campaign in retaliation for the "Celebrity" attack ad recently released by the McCain campaign, was actually just a parody ad released by the McCain campaign.

"McCain exhibits his deft touch at good-natured self-mockery."

"John's always had a great sense of humor," said McCain campaign spokesman Jeff Sadosky, "and after the Paris Hilton 'Celebrity' parody ad, John suggested we make a parody of our own - like it was done by the Obama campaign. Trouble is, we may have done it TOO good, since a lot of Obama supporters didn't get the joke and thought it was a REAL Obama ad. I guess Democrats really ARE as stupid as we think."

McCain's campaign issued a press release today, listing some of the "tip-offs" that this wasn't a real Obama ad:

* Blatant rip-off of the flash bulb effect from the original McCain 'Celebrity' ad.

* McCain Featured with famous liberal comedians David Letterman, Whoopi Goldberg, Jay Leno, Steve Carell, and the whole crew of Saturday Night Live, thus creating positive emotional connections with the vaguely-liberal swing-voter bloc.

* McCain is consistently shown in this commercial smiling, laughing, being cheerful, and giving thumbs up while humorously upbeat music plays in the background. Normal attack ads show grim, dour images of the attackee in black & white backed by somber - almost funereal - piano chords.

* McCain laughs boisterously while the words "NOTHING FOR YOU" appear under him, in a VERY obvious allusion to lolcats.

* The exaggeratedly amateurish use of the same video clip flipped horizontally to show McCain "lurching to the right, then the left".

* Pro-McCain image of "drilling here, drilling now".

* Two uses of the word "old", including one in text right underneath his name, an homage to Paris Hilton's "He's the oldest celebrity in the world" line.

* When Obama's picture is finally shown at the end, the music stops as if to say "Party's over. No more good times in America."

"I don't know what more we could've done to give it away," said Sadosky, "unless we had a line in there about John 'Sidney' McCain having a funny name and not having hair like the other presidents on US currency."

Rating: 2.3/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (9)
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August 07, 2008
Obama To Release Sex Tape
Posted by Harvey at 10:08 AM

WASHINGTON (AP) - With Paris Hilton now leading Barack Obama in the polls after releasing her first campaign ad, the Obama campaign has decided to boost his celebrity status by "leaking" a series of sex tapes featuring Barack and Michelle.

"Feel the change?"

"Hilton is a badly-aging, horse-faced, empty-skirt, spoiled-rotten, rich-bitch celebrity with no discernable singing, acting, or modeling talent," said Obama campaign spokesman Bill Burton, "yet she's now crushing Obama in the polls within 24 hours of throwing her hat - or in this case, her chihuahua - into the ring. Although this technically gives her both more political AND foreign policy experience than Obama, we suspect the true cause of these discomforting numbers is that Ms. Hilton has a sex tape, while Mr. Obama does not."

To ensure that Obama regains his position as "biggest celebrity in the world", staffers have been taping Barack & Michelle's nocturnal romps, and plan to release clips anonymously to the internet throughout the fall campaign at the rate of about one a week. Videos expected to be released this month include "YES! YES! YES WE CAN!", "Inflating the Tire, and "A Little Offshore Drilling".

"Unlike the Hilton tape," said Burton, "these won't be grainy, badly-audioed, night-vision images. We've spent over $30 million on post-production - written off as a 'campaign expense', of course - to make these movies HD quality. You'll be able to actually count the hairs growing out of the mole on Michelle's... well, you'll be able to count them."

Many campaign contributors who got wind of the planned video releases were angered by their high cost. "We had to explain that we needed to hire Pixar to, uh, enhance some of Barack's shortcomings as an actor in these films," Burton said. "Yeah, he's half black, but unfortunately it's the top half, if you know what I mean."

Rating: 1.8/5 (23 votes cast)

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July 30, 2008
Congress Apologizes to Blacks for Affirmative Action
Posted by Harvey at 12:00 PM

WASHINGTON (AP) - Immediately after issuing an unprecedented apology to black Americans for the wrongs committed against them and their ancestors who suffered under slavery and Jim Crow segregation laws, the House of Representatives issue another apology to black Americans for the wrongs committed against them by Affirmative Action laws.

Justice Thomas says, "Be a qualifier, not a quota-filler."

Rep. Carolyn Cheeks Kilpatrick, (D-Mich.), chairwoman of the Congressional Black Caucus, called it "long overdue".

"No matter how hard I've worked for the positions I've earned," said Cheeks, "people automatically assume that I'm not really qualified, that I've been promoted over more-qualified whites to fulfill an Affirmative Action quota. It's insulting and degrading."

Both resolutions, passed by voice vote, were the work of Tennessee Democrat Steve Cohen, the only white lawmaker to represent a majority black district. "Slavery & Jim Crow were bad enough," said Cohen, "but at least you knew they were out there. They were solid barriers you could fight against. Affirmative Action is more ethereal and insidious. It's the soft bigotry of low expectations. It's saying 'Hey Negro, since you're too inferior to ever make anything of yourself on your own, Whitey will just have to hand it to you, because you could NEVER earn it.' It's reprehensible and demeaning. It cheapens the American Dream by saying 'all men are created equal, except for worthless, inept colored folk'".

The Affirmative Action apology states in part that African-Americans forced into the system "were brutalized, humiliated, dehumanized and subjected to the indignity of being stripped of their pride and reputations" and that black Americans today continue to suffer from the consequences of Affirmative Action and racial quotas.

As a positive example of shrugging off Affirmative Action's stain, Cohen pointed to the Congressional Black Caucus. "I represent a majority-black district in Tennessee, but when I asked to join the CBC, they told me I 'wasn't black enough'. Some of my friends thought I should be angry about that, but, you know what? If I'm not qualified, then I'm not qualified. Frankly, I'd rather be honestly rejected than taken in as a quota-filling token honky."

Rating: 2.3/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (25)
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July 28, 2008
Obama Skips Wounded Troops in Germany, "Not Photogenic Enough".
Posted by Harvey at 12:00 PM
When wounded troops look like this, Obama will be seen in public with them, too.

WASHINGTON (AP) - Democratic presidential hopeful Barack Obama came under fire from the McCain campaign for cancelling a planned trip to visit wounded American troops while in Germany. Obama's team has responded to the criticism by pointing out that injured soldiers are "not photogenic enough" to be pictured next to the Illinois Senator.

"While Obama was photographed with troops in Afghanistan in Iraq and now has more foreign policy experience than John McCain," said Obama campaign spokesman Tommy Vietor, "that was a different situation from Germany. During the Middle East portion of the trip, he was part of an official congressional fact-finding delegation. The Germany portion was funded by the Obama campaign, and as such, we're only spending our precious money on pictures that make him look good. Frankly, wounded soldiers are ugly and depressing, rather than hopey and changing."

"This campaign has worked hard to ensure that Obama is only photographed next to young, happy, healthy people," said Obama image consultant Sandy Dumont. "No uglies, no Muslims, no fat chicks. Being seen with wounded troops would associate our candidate with pain, suffering, and President Bush. We might as well show pictures of him kissing a road-kill raccoon."

Rating: 2.7/5 (20 votes cast)

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July 24, 2008
Edwards Caught Meeting with Mistress and Love Child - Homosexual Community Devastated
Posted by Harvey at 10:59 AM

LOS ANGELES (AP) - Former Democrat presidential candidate John Edwards was caught visiting his mistress and their child early Tuesday morning. Members of America's gay community, who had long accepted Edwards as one of their own - reacted almost universally with stunned disappointment at the apparent proof of Edwards's heterosexuality.

John Edwards: no longer 'batting lefty'?

"I cried for hours," admitted San Francisco native Bruce Liteloafers. "Until now, I never once questioned the fact that Edwards was gay. The way he used to paw at and rub up against John Kerry, that two minute video where he did nothing but pleasure himself by caressing his own hair... hey, who could've had ANY doubts as to which way Johnny swung? I know he had a wife, but big deal. That marriage was faker than a set of double-D's on the Sunset Strip. But this is like finding a video tape starring Paris Hilton and Liberace".

However, Senator Larry Craig, who served with John Edwards in the Senate, refused to believe the news. "After decades of doing under-stall tap-dancing, I'm pretty sure I know a faggot when I see one, and John Edwards is the real deal. As for that 'woman' he was with, all I can say is she's got an adam's apple you could hang a coat on and a jaw so square she makes Arnold Schwarzenegger look like Rosie O'Donnell. I think Mr. Edwards 'preference' remains both clear and unchanged."

Blogger Andrew Sullivan's reaction, however, is more typical: a mix of dismay and resigned acceptance. "There are certain 'icons' in the gay community - Judy, Liza, Elton - that really inspire you to live up to your dreams of unbridled flamboyancy. For me, John Edwards was right up there with the 'Big 3'. To find out that it was all just some sort of act... I haven't been this crushed since Tom Cruise knocked up Katie what's-her-name. Still, no matter what he's done, Johnny will always be my little Breck Girl."

Sympathizing with his people, openly gay Congressman Barney Frank (D - MA) introduced a measure in the House calling for "a national day of mourning" and requesting that all rainbow flags be flown at half staff.

Rating: 2.2/5 (20 votes cast)

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June 27, 2008
Supreme Court Says 2nd Amendment Protects 'Individual Right', Law-Abiding Citizens Go On Shooting Sprees
Posted by Harvey at 10:57 AM

WASHINGTON (AP) - The Supreme Court today ruled against local laws banning handguns by declaring that the Second Amendment guarantees an "individual right" to firearm ownership, and not just a "right to a well-regulated militia". Immediately after the decision, law-abiding gun-owners began using their legal guns to commit violent crimes.

'Legal' gun goes on rampage after gaining control of its law-abiding human host.

"It's like these guns are living objects, possessed by demons," said gun-owner Mike Wazowski. "I was watching the Supreme Court ruling live on C-SPAN, and the next thing I remember, I was on the street, robbing people for crack money. Funny thing is, I don't even know what crack LOOKS like, let alone ever smoked the stuff. It's like the gun was forcing me to do it. These firearms are dangerous and out-of-control. I can't believe the Supreme Court set free these weapons of malevolance incarnate on an unsuspecting nation."

For decades, mayors of large cities claimed that local handgun bans, which kept guns out of the hands of law-abiding citizens, were the only way to cut down on levels of gun violence which had reached near-epidemic proportions. Now that model citizens are also armed, that epidemic has blossomed into a bloody pandemic.

"I warned you this would happen!" shrieked an outraged Senator Dianne Feinstein (D-California). "I've been saying for years that only way to keep our streets safe was to make sure that guns were kept out of the hands of the 99% of the population that obeys the laws. And just as I predicted, all an honest citizen has to do is LOOK at a gun and they will instantly pick it up and start shooting people!"

Since the Supreme Court announcement Thursday, the number of gun-related muggings, robberies, and murders has increased 10,000%, disproving once and for all the National Rifle Association's trite assertion that "guns don't kill people, people kill people". As the victims of America's new gun-violence tsunami would testify (if they were still alive) - it's definitely the guns.

Rating: 3.0/5 (23 votes cast)

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June 25, 2008
Hippies Accidentally Create World's Largest Mercedes Sign
Posted by Harvey at 11:57 AM

Ithaca, NY (AP) - While attempting to create the world's largest peace sign, festival-goers in Ithaca, NY, created the world's largest Mercedes sign by mistake.

Can you imagine the smell?

5814 participants gathered to form the familiar symbol of pacifist activism, but - through either oversight or stupidity - only formed three of the four radii required to create a traditional peace sign. Since the missing radius was the lower center line, the symbol they formed was actually the trademark hood ornament of the Mercedes-Benz automobile - a quality German luxury car since 1926 - rather than the anti-war symbol created by a British nuclear disarmament protestor in 1958.

"Dude, this totally sucks!" observed participant Summer Sunshine Rainbow Rabinowitz. "We were, like, trying to tell Bush McChimpyhitler that his war totally blows, but somehow he managed to get his Haliburton oil buddies in here to screw us over with some sort of totally covert inside job. Just like 9/11!"

Other participants, such as Moonglow Moonbeam Johnson suspected less conspiratorial causes. "'Twas the weed, my man. The Acapulco Fire-Bud has a way of rendering one incapable of creating complex geometric figures. Heck, we're lucky we didn't end up with a swastika, or - even worse - the Windows logo."

Ithaca High School sophomore Trevor Dougherty, the organizer of the attempt, claimed they were still successful. "Maybe it's wasn't a peace sign, but Mercedes isn't all gas-guzzling & global warming. After all, the high priestess of high people, Janis Joplin, used it as an icon of war resistance in her song, 'Oh Lord, Won't You Run Over George Bush With a Mercedes Benz', which I once saw on YouTube or maybe somebody's MySpace page."

"Anyway," Dougherty concluded, "we all got super-mega-stoned, and that's what REALLY matters."

Rating: 3.1/5 (31 votes cast)

Comments (23)
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June 23, 2008
Obama Vows to Ban Profits in First 100 Days
Posted by Harvey at 12:00 PM

WASHINGTON (AP) — Sen. Barack Obama on Sunday said as president he would strengthen government oversight of energy traders he blames in large part for the skyrocketing price of oil.

"Read my lips: No New Profits!"

"Some people blame low oil supplies or high oil demand for the recent spike in gasoline prices," said the presidential hopeful, "but these are just outdated economic theories. The real cause is speculative trading in the oil futures market. Trading by unscrupulous, unpatriotic profit-mongers. My administration will put a stop to this by making it illegal to sell oil futures for more than was paid for them. Without the market distortion caused by the so-called 'profit-motive', our energy market - under the prudent and level-headed guidance of the federal government - will once again become both free and fair."

Obama said that he intended to implement his "No New Profits" pledge within his administration's first 100 days, promising to expand his economy-saving plan to other markets as his tenure progressed. "Although I've long stood against the 'excessive' profits made by oil companies," said Obama, "the fact is that ALL profits are inherently excessive. That's why I vow to extend this program to other markets as well. Food, precious metals, stocks, bonds - all will eventually be both bought and sold 'at cost'. With all price fluctuations banned by the force of law, America will finally have a stable, sustainable, plannable future, unmarred by the evils of fear or uncertainty."

The Democratic contender, however, reassured his audience that this new stability would not interfere with the creation and implementation of new government programs. "Some of my critics contend that without profits, we would be unable to collect the new taxes necessary to implement important new government programs like Universal Health Care, but we will find a way to make the wealthy pay their fair share. They'll just have to sell off their mansions and limousines."

"At cost, of course," he concluded.

Rating: 2.9/5 (25 votes cast)

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June 18, 2008
Obama Visits Illinois Flood Damage
Posted by Harvey at 11:16 AM

Quincy, IL (AP) - Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama has given hands-on help in a flood zone in Illinois. He helped locals in the town of Quincy to fill sandbags to place on the banks of the Mississippi river, which is swelling to dangerous levels.

"Gimme my shovel back, ya starched-shirt photo-poser!""

"Today I'm acting in my role as a fellow citizen to help those in need," said Obama. "Sometimes you have to set politics aside and do the work that needs to be done."

Robert "Rusty" Jones, leader of the local Red Cross chapter and supervisor of the sandbagging project, was grateful for the Illinois Senator's help. "Well, he DID pick up a shovel eventually, and actually put some sand in a couple bags. Gotta give him credit for that much. Mostly he just pranced around & got his picture took, though. And would ya think one of them strapping Secret Service guys could pick up a shovel? 'Bout as useful as a porcupine in a lifeboat."

Obama said: "Since I've been involved in public office we've not seen this kind of devastation." He pledged to push federal and state governments to provide aid to the affected areas.

"Well," said Rusty, "we don't need 'aid' so much as people who bring their own damn shovels & work gloves. Big Tom over there owns the Ace Hardware in town, and he brought every digger & mitt he had in stock. All Barry's entourage brought was a whole bunch of standin' around & gettin' in the way."

Mr Obama had been scheduled to campaign in nearby Iowa, but that state is also badly affected by flooding and he did not want to draw government resources away from battling the problems.

"Hope Iowa's 'government resources' don't take as many sit-downs & smoke breaks as ours did," said Rusty.

[Hat tip: Paul Abrams]

Rating: 2.3/5 (27 votes cast)

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June 16, 2008
Obama Backs Off On "We Bring A Gun" Comment
Posted by Harvey at 12:09 PM
Obama - Ready on day one... for a knife fight.

PHILADELPHIA (AP) - After vowing to put up a tough fight in the general election campaign this fall by saying "if they bring a knife to the fight, we bring a gun", presumptive Democratic nominee Barack Obama apologized to the American people for suggesting that guns might be useful in securing a victory during personal combat against a lesser-armed - yet still life-threatening - mortal enemy.

"First of all," clarified Obama, "I'm getting old. And I haven't had much sleep in the last 48 hours. Still, that's no excuse to praise such a dangerous weapon. Naturally, I only meant such praise metaphorically, and any metaphorical gun I used would have a metaphorical trigger-lock and require a metaphorical background check and mandatory metaphorical 3-day waiting period."

"In the non-metaphorical sense," the senator continued. "I would never use a gun against someone armed with a knife. After all, maybe he's just taking that knife to a pawn shop so that he can sell it for gas money. Or maybe he needs it to do surgery on himself because he can't afford decent health care. I would never seek to use a firearm against an innocent victim of 7 years of disastrous Bush-McCain policies."

"What I would do," concluded Obama, "is agree to negotiations without preconditions so that I can continue to unite America through the hope of change. Unless, of course, the person with the knife were spreading rumors about Michelle's Whitey-hating, in which case I would absolutely bust a cap in his ass."

Rating: 2.6/5 (26 votes cast)

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June 02, 2008
Obama to Join White Supremacist Church
Posted by Harvey at 11:47 AM

CHICAGO (AP) - After 20 years of membership in Trinity United Church of Christ in Chicago, where bashing whites was a weekly way of life, Democratic presidential hopeful Barack Obama announced that he was quitting Trinity and joining the Creativity Movement (formerly World Church of the Creator) in order to give equal time toward hating the black side of his heritage.

"I've disowned Reverend Wright. It's time to disown the black community."

"After listening to ministers in my church spew hatred and racism against whites for the last 20 years," said Obama in a recent press release, "I realized that I could not, in good conscience, continue to be associated with such an organization. This was a deeply personal decision, not based on political expediency. Except maybe a little, or possibly mostly."

"Still," continued Obama, "I realize that skipping church for a few weeks after 20 years of wallowing in anti-white racism is as feeble an act of atonement as Ted Kennedy giving a swimming lesson at the YMCA. Therefore I will balance all my previous hating of my mother's side of the family by joining a church that hates the inferior mud-races of my father's side."

Speaking from prison, Creativity Movement Reverend Matt Hale praised Obama's decision. "It's good to see a presidential candidate embracing the white, white light of truth. Although some of his ancestors have tried to sully this fine nation with crack, rap, and Affirmative Action, we in the Creativity Movement will assist him in embracing his superior white nature, and promise to never burn more than half a cross on his lawn."

Although some speculate that Obama will eventually throw the Creativity Movement under his campaign bus just as he's done with other inconvenient friends, family, and campaign workers, Obama assured reporters in a statement that "I could no more disown Reverend Hale than I could disown working, hard-working Americans. White Americans."

Rating: 2.8/5 (23 votes cast)

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May 22, 2008
Bin Laden: Muslims Must Lead Relief Effort to Burma
Posted by Harvey at 12:02 PM

CAIRO, Egypt (AP) - In an audio tape posted on the internet, Al Qaeda leader Osama Bin Laden said that Muslims across the world "must take action" to help the estimated 2.4 million Burmese affected by the tragic cyclone and subsequent flooding in Myanmar which left 125,000 people dead.

"No more talky-talk. Time to save some soggy Buddhists."

"Although our holy Jihad against Jews and infidels (may their stomachs roast in hell) is important," said Bin Laden, "even more important is the human tragedy in Burma. The Western nations natter and dither while innocents die because the Great Satan is indifferent to the fate of non-Christians. As Muslims, however, we do not have the luxury of indifference. Allah is a God of mercy and compassion. As his followers, we are compelled to be the instruments of that compassion."

"Many Muslim nations," continued Bin Laden, "are awash in oil wealth. In the name of Allah the all-giving and all-loving, we are obligated to use that wealth to the benefit of Allah's neediest children, no matter where they are, and even though they do not share our beliefs. There is a time for the sword, but there is also a time for the hand of mercy and charity to lift up those in their hour of greatest desperation. The decadent West has failed, and it is up to the world's Muslims to lift up the lamp of Islamic generosity to give hope to those who are now hopeless."

Surprisingly, the terrorist leader and most wanted man in the world has vowed to risk his own life to personally bring aid to the decimated areas of Burma. "Although I am not a prophet with the greatness of Mohammed (peace be upon him), I am still a man," said Al Qaeda's #1, "and my fellow man is crying in sorrow. I, myself, will lead an aid mission into Burma as a visible missionary of succor to this devastated nation, though it may mean having to dodge sniper fire like other emissaries of peace have done before me."

"I can only hope," concluded Bin Laden, "that the rest of the world will follow the Muslim example, set aside their petty squabbles, and do the right thing to save innocent lives."

Rating: 2.5/5 (37 votes cast)

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May 21, 2008
US Military Apologizes For Wasting Precious Bullets on Stupid Koran
Posted by Harvey at 11:07 AM

BAGHDAD (AP) - An American soldier used a Koran, the Islamic holy book, for target practice in a predominantly Sunni area west of Baghdad, prompting an apology from the U.S. military, a spokesman said Sunday.

"I come before you here seeking your forgiveness," Maj. Gen. Jeffery Hammond was quoted as saying. "In the most humble manner, I look in your eyes today and I say, 'please forgive me and my soldiers'."

"I know Americans are concerned about the cost of this war," the General said, "and bullets aren't cheap. We shouldn't waste them on shooting books that are full of stupid ideology when they would be far more cost-effective being shot into towel-wrapped heads full of stupid ideology."

"There's a right and wrong way to use munitions," continued Hammond. "and the right way is the way that gives America the best bang for its buck - no pun intended. If destroying enemy propaganda were the key to victory, then we'd be strapping bricks of C4 to crates of Fahrenheit 9/11 DVD's. But the fact is that dead jihadis - and not shredded books - are the only way to win this war. Yes, desecrated Korans are a nice bonus, but really, people, that's what toilets are for. Let's focus on the mission."

"I want to be clear on one point, though," concluded the General. "I'm not saying American troops should never shoot at Korans, I'm just saying that if they ARE going to shoot at a Koran, they should make sure there's a terrorist standing behind it."

Rating: 2.6/5 (35 votes cast)

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May 19, 2008
Obama To Negotiate With Bush Over "Appeaser" Remark
Posted by Harvey at 12:00 PM

WASHINGTON (AP) - After President Bush made a thinly-veiled attack on Obama's willingness to negotiatiate with terrorists by referring to him as an "appeaser", the Democratic frontrunner offered to sit down with the President to discuss the issue.

Obama '08 - Peace For Our Time.

"Although I don't agree with the President's remarks about my belief in fighting violence with empty words," said Obama, "I also think there are two sides to every story. No one can ever be completely right or wrong. I've sent President Bush a letter saying that we should sit down, without pre-conditions, and discuss the matter to see if maybe an apology is in order. I currently remain open on my position of who should make the apology, as it would be counter-productive to automatically assume beforehand who the wronged party is."

At a press conference, President Bush responded to Obama's letter by spitting on it, wiping it across his buttocks, setting it on fire and hurling it at a reporter in disgust. "Obama is the offspring of pigs and monkeys! I will push him into the sea! I will wipe him off the map!"

Obama later conceded that Bush might have a point. "My grandmother was a typical white person, which is similar to being a pig or monkey. I think it would be undiplomatic of me to declare otherwise ahead of our meeting. It's certainly an issue that would bear closer examination during the course of our discussions, especially given my resemblance to Curious George."

Fading Democratic contender Hillary Clinton was unsupportive of Obama's remarks, saying that she stood by her position that if she were given the nomination, she would "totally obliterate" the Republicans in November.

Rating: 2.5/5 (41 votes cast)

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May 12, 2008
Obama Embraces Lazy White Voters
Posted by Harvey at 12:03 PM

WASHINGTON (AP) After Hillary Clinton claimed in a USA Today interview that Obama's "support among working, hard-working Americans, white Americans, is weakening", Senator Obama declared that he was proud be the candidate of choice for "lazy whites across the nation".

Typical white Obama voter.

"Let's face the facts," said Obama, "nobody who actually works for a living is going to vote Democrat, anyway. We wrote those guys off decades ago. If it weren't for indolent crackers, we'd NEVER carry an election. Fortunately, white Americans are just plain lazy. These shiftless honkies run the gamut from limosine liberal trust-funders to unemployed basement-dwelling bloggers, but they all have one thing in common - they hate hard work. That's why the ne'er-do-well whitey vote is swinging my way."

25-year-old professional part-time fried vegetable engineer Blake Lydell said he finds it easy to support Obama. "Work is for suckers. Obama talks a lot about hope & change, but he never actually DOES anything about it. Heck, he won't even bother to vote 'yes' or 'no' as a Senator - which is, like, his WHOLE JOB - and he STILL gets paid every two weeks. Once he becomes President, he'll make it so that even white guys like me will be able to slack off like that without getting fired. He's got MY vote... DAMN! Burned the fries again!"

But even though Obama leads in work-ethicless whites, he must still find a way to overcome Clinton's lead among those who never completed college, leaving the Illinois senator scrambling for the "ignorant & alabaster" voting bloc.

"Now, it IS true," admitted Obama, "that Hillary leads with the stupid white demographic, but with my slick patter and suave, articulate charisma, I expect to be able to sucker these idiots into 'going for the O' come November. I mean, anyone dumb enough to fall for a Nigerian scam e-mail has already proven that they'll fall for unrealistic promises made by a black man, so I've pretty well got this election in the bag."

Rating: 2.4/5 (35 votes cast)

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April 28, 2008
California Wildfire Running on Platform of Change
Posted by Harvey at 12:22 PM

SIERRA MADRE, Calif. (AP) - Despite threatening to destroy hundreds of homes in Southern California, the wildfire burning northeast of Los Angeles today assured voters that it was merely delivering on its promise of change.

Wildfire '08: Blazing a trail of change.

"Even though I'm being attacked by tanker planes as part of the Vast Wet-Wing Conspiracy," said the conflagration, "I'd like to assure Americans that my only goal here is change. In Bush's America, millionaires in mansions roll around naked on piles of money from the Bush tax cuts. This causes bitterness among working people, forcing them to cling to water, firefighting equipment, and antipathy towards those with combustion rates different from their own."

Although some accused the blaze of stealing Obama's theme of "change", the voracious flames were quick to disagree. "The big difference between Obama and I is that he goes to these lavish California homes to raise millions, while I plan to raze millions of lavish California homes."

"And unlike Obama," continued the wildfire, "I'm not playing the race card here. Black, white, man, woman, gay, straight... it doesn't matter, because deep inside we're all Americans who will be charred into the smoking ash of equality as my plan for change sweeps across the state, and hopefully, the nation."

Republican Presidential candidate John McCain said that, although he opposed the fire's plan for a hellish nationwide inferno, he did support a scaled-down version, where people would be able to choose their own level of immolation.

Rating: 2.4/5 (18 votes cast)

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April 16, 2008
100% of President Bushs Consider Professional Historians "Failures"
Posted by Harvey at 12:18 PM

WASHINGTON (AP) - After an informal survey of 109 professional historians showed 98% of them rating President Bush's administration as a "failure", President Bush announced that a recent poll of all current Presidents of the United States showed a surprisingly similar rating for professional historians - 100% "failures".

"You SUCK, histo-dorks!"

Historians were quick to criticize the methodology of the poll, pointing out that in order for a survey's results to have any meaning at all, the subjects must be chosen randomly.

President Bush defended the scientific rigor of his survey techniques. "I made a list of all sitting Presidents, then flipped a coin to determine which ones to ask the poll question. Every time it came up heads, the President George W. Bush that I asked had the same opinion of professional historians - 'failures'".

Some of the reasons given for the low ratings:

* Always reeking of pipe smoke and shattered dreams.

* Never holding a job that didn't involve copious quantities of kissing the Dean's ass.

* Leather elbow patches are totally gay.

* Unbroken string of inflatable girlfriends.

Despite the low scores, however, the survey results did include one positive comment about professional historians:

"At least they give Philosophy majors someone to feel superior to."

Rating: 3.0/5 (19 votes cast)

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April 11, 2008
Red Dawn 2: Beaten By Toys
Posted by Harvey at 12:19 PM

HOLLYWOOD (AP) - United Artists has announced that they are currently filming a sequel to the war movie classic Red Dawn, which will be released in 2009, on the 25th anniversary of the original.

"Hey round-eye! Bang Bang! We kick your ass with finger gun!"

The new movie will be based on several true stories, none of which are connected in real life. In "Red Dawn 2: Beaten By Toys", a brigade of Chinese Communists will - under the guise of carrying an Olympic torch - rampage through America, conquering city after city with no resistance using only objects which have been banned in American school systems. For example:

* A real WWII grenade with no explosive charge or detonator.

* A butter knife.

* Overly sugared Kool-Aid mix.

* A beeper.

* A Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue.

* A squirt gun.

* A pen with the Glock logo.

* Jolt Gum.

* Nails.

* Non-alcoholic jello shots.

* Mouthwash.

* A drawing of a gun.

* A Sharpie marker.

* A ham sandwich.

* Snowballs.

* An emergency roadside kit.

* Midol.

* A pointed finger combined with the word "bam".

UA publicist Dennis Rice is enthusiastic about the upcoming release. "First, we're thrilled that we can bring the sort of 'ripped from the headlines' relevance that America expects from its movies. Second, it's a well-deserved fart in the face to the greatest nation on earth, and it's sort of our way of thanking America for letting us make a living by biting the hand that feeds us."

"While it's true," admitted Rice, "that these sort of movies haven't been doing well lately, we prefer to look at the numbers and think 'Hey! We're WAY overdue for a winner!'"

Rating: 2.6/5 (18 votes cast)

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April 10, 2008
Petraeus Explains Simple Truths to Idiot Democrats
Posted by Harvey at 12:34 PM

WASHINGTON (AP) - During a day-long session on Capitol Hill, General David Petraeus fielded questions from Democrat lawmakers ranging from the insipidly puerile to the monumentally retarded as he explained why it would be necessary to retain current troop levels in Iraq.

"With these hands, I will personally strangle the stupid out of the next Democrat who suggests pulling out."

"Why should we put all this effort into Iraq," asked Missouri Democrat Ike Skelton, "when doing so prevents the U.S. from effectively preparing for other conflicts and puts at risk the United States' ability to defeat those most likely to attack?"

Gen. Petraeus told Skelton that Iraqis were ACTUALLY attacking, and were thus deemed a higher priority than any hypothetical likely attackers made up by sniveling liberal defeatists as a cute way of attempting to score political points. "Besides," added the General, "the only way America's ability to defeat an enemy could actually be put at risk would be if God himself whimsically chose to tweak the laws of physics so as to make nuclear fission impossible."

Mugging for the cameras, Senator and leading presidential candidate Barack Obama suggested what he called 'a practical exit strategy'. "When I was in high school - back when they still called me Barry and I looked even more like Urkel than I do now - people used to tape 'kick me' signs on my back. This proved to be a very effective method of getting people to kick me. So why don't we just put 'don't shoot me' signs on the backs of our troops and run away?"

Petraeus pointed out the obvious flaw in Obama's theory, noting that the 'don't ask me stupid questions' sign Petraeus had worn to the hearings had been a 'dismal failure'. However, he DID encourage Obama to wear 'kick me' signs at every opportunity in the future.

"All your strategies are interesting," said Senator Ted Kennedy (D-Mass.), "but they all seem to result in an American victory. We want America to lose. Do you have any strategies that will make America lose?"

Gen. Petraeus assured the Senator from Massachusetts that, although he didn't currently have such a strategy, he would definitely be thinking about how America could lose the war when he voted on November 4th.

Rating: 2.1/5 (16 votes cast)

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April 09, 2008
ABC Creates World's Slantiest News Story
Posted by Harvey at 12:19 PM

BAGHDAD (AP) - In an article interviewing soldiers in Iraq about their presidential candidate preferences, ABC News set a new record for opinionated slanting in an "unbiased" network media story by quoting four Obama supporters, one Clinton supporter, and NO ONE who supported McCain. The Republican candidate's name was not mentioned at all in the story.

One of many rallies supporting Obama's plan to pull out of Iraq now.

"It started off as a joke," said Martha Raddatz, the article's author. "I mean, everyone dreams about having their truthiest story published, but I never thought my editor would let it fly - you know how they're always going on about 'ethics' and crap, like they have a grudge against journalistic idealism - but in the end, he honored my voice. I feel so Rosa Parks."

Marcus Baram, professor of journalism at Harvard, analyzed Raddatz's story and said that it was the slantiest opinion piece he'd ever seen successfully masquerade as a news story.

"Journalistic slant is, like the slant of a line, measured in degrees. For example, the police report section of a small town newspaper - being purely factual - would be a zero degree slant, like a horizontal line. A 90 degree slant, like a vertical line, is the hypothetical maximum, which could never actually be reached unless Fox were to broadcast Fahrenheit 9/11 as a news story. Raddatz's piece reaches an astonishing 85 degrees - I've never seen anything like it."

Baram cited some of the factors that he thought made the piece "especially brilliant":

* Four uses of the phrase "pull out", including the IMAO-worthy line "By support, [Spc. Imus] Loto meant pulling out troops".

* Using an Obama talking point by saying one soldier supported Obama "for his representation of change".

* Using an Obama talking point by referring to the "steadiness" of the candidate's views.

* Of the six soldiers quoted who did not name a candidate, two were implied to be politically oblivious, with one actually being quoted out of context as saying "I don't know who's running, ma'am."

* Although the topic was Obama's political experience, describing one Obama supporter as "the battle-weary soldier".

* Claiming - without a relevant supporting quote - that a devoted soldier on his third tour of duty in Iraq was "just as eager for a pull-out as the Democratic candidates."

Baram noted that Raddatz lost a few degrees of slant for describing a Dick Cheney speech as "rousing", failing to call Bush a "warmonger", and completely omitting any comparison of Iraq to Vietnam.

Rating: 2.2/5 (21 votes cast)

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April 07, 2008
Charleton Heston Still Refuses to Give up His Gun
Posted by Harvey at 11:14 AM

LOS ANGELES (AP) - Despite numerous promises in his lifetime to allow his guns to be taken from his cold, dead hands, the late Charlton Heston issued a statement today saying that he will retain possession of his firearms into the afterlife.

"I have only five words for you - 'NOT GUN GRABBING TIME YET!'"

"I know a lot of liberals eagerly anticipated my demise so that they could freely disarm me," said the dead former President of the National Rifle Association, "but I've come to realize that joining the choir invisible is not, in and of itself, sufficient reason for an American citizen to surrender his weapons."

"Liberals have long assumed that the day of my demise would be the day they could strip me of my right to self-defense, but they assumed wrong," said the deceased actor. "If Democrats won't acknowledge death as a reason to take away a person's right to vote, why should it be a reason to take away their right to bear arms? Besides, the last time I thought I was dead, I woke up on a planet full of talking apes. I really could've used a good rifle then."

Senator Diane Feinstein said she wasn't surprised by the screen legend's change of heart, non-beating though it was. "This is typical hypocrisy from the so-called 'gun-rights' establishment," said the California Senator. "All they care about is killing hundreds of thousands of children every year with their assault rifles, and I guess Mr. Heston hasn't reached his quota of slaughtered innocents yet."

Documentarian Michael Moore, whose 2002 film Bowling for Columbine proved beyond argument that guns are pure evil, registered shock and disappointment at the departed Oscar-winning actor's decision. "I was standing in line outside Heston's house with my gun-prying tool, just like every other decent gun-hating patriot. It was going to be like Arthur drawing Excalibur, and the first person to get Heston's rifle was going to have a gun-control bill named after him. Sadly, it was not to be."

"Looks like America bowled a 37 today," said Moore.

Rating: 2.5/5 (19 votes cast)

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April 02, 2008
America Offers Al Gore $300 Million to Shut Up
Posted by Harvey at 11:44 AM

NASHVILLE, Tenn. (AP) — Former Vice President Al Gore announced a $300 million, 3-year public advocacy campaign called "We" to educate the American public about global warming and urge solutions from elected officials. The American public responded by offering Gore $300 million if he would "please just shut the hell up".

"youcanshutupnow.org seeks a practical solution to Gore-ful warnings"

The first ad of Gore's campaign tells viewers that Americans didn't wait to storm the beaches of Normandy in World War II, or to overcome segregation or to put the first man on the moon. "We need to act now" to solve the climate crisis, the ad says, and refers viewers to www.wecansolveit.org.

America's response campaign, dubbed "You", will feature an ad telling Gore that fighting Hitler, landing on the moon, and overcoming segregation weren't wacky pseudo-religions based on bad science and an insatiable lust for political power, and refers the Nobel laureate to www.youcanshutupnow.org.

"When politicians hear the American people calling loud and clear for change, they'll listen," Gore said in a statement. He will provide some of the initial funding through proceeds of his Oscar-winning climate change documentary "An Inconvenient Truth" and his Nobel Prize.

"No matter how loudly and clearly you talk to Al Gore, he just won't listen," said Cathy Zoi, chief executive officer of the You Campaign. "I've even tried speaking slowly and using small words, like you would to a slow child or a smart chihuahua, but it's like English is a language Gore took one semester of 20 years ago and now only uses when he wants to impress his date at a restaurant. We're hoping America's $300 million is enough to get him to stop prattling his ignorance in that semi-retarded Sling Blade voice of his."

A major focus of "We" will be TV and print advertising campaign and online social networking outreach, said Gore. While there have been advocacy campaigns before, "we've never had these kinds of resources to get into people's living rooms," he said. "Americans watch 4 1/2 hours of television a day."

"I only get 4 1/2 hours a day to watch TV," said Zoi, "and I'll be damned if I'm going to waste it watching some washed-up ex-hippie preach to me about my environmental responsibilities from the comfort of his 10,000 square foot energy-Godzilla mansion."

Rating: 2.4/5 (21 votes cast)

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March 26, 2008
Grim Milestone Reached in Iraq
Posted by Harvey at 11:40 AM

BAGHDAD (Reuters) - The number of Iraqi citizens not killed by Saddam Hussein has reached 200,000, the U.S. military said on Monday, just days after the fifth anniversary of a war that President George W. Bush says the United States is on track to win.

The U.S. military said in a statement that the grim milestone was reached when 200 civilians were not murdered by Iraq's tyrannical dictator late on Sunday when no large groups of people were rounded up and shot in the head for making statements critical of their government. No one was wounded in the non-attack.

Non-tragic non-victims of yet another Saddam Hussein non-killing spree.

The non-deaths came on a day when the very dead Uday and Qusay Hussein were unable to pick women at random to rape and slaughter, owing largely to their inability to breathe, circulate blood, or stop being eaten by bugs as their bodies rotted in the ground.

The non-violence, in which dozens were not killed, underscored the fragility of Iraq's security. There has been an increase in non-attacks since January, but U.S. military commanders say overall levels of people not losing their lives at the behest of Iraq's President are expected to remain fairly consistent in the near future, as Saddam Hussein was too busy mingling his component molecules with the indifferent soil that surrounds him to significantly affect the Iraqi non-death rate.

What impact the 200,000 milestone will have on a war-weary American public and the U.S. presidential campaign will be hard to assess in the short term, but war critics are likely to remain deafeningly silent on it, as it does little to boost their case for U.S. troops to be withdrawn.

The U.S. military dismisses such tolls as arbitrary markers.

"It is artificial in the sense that somehow the lack of a 200,000th tragic loss somehow will be different from the first," U.S. military spokesman Rear Admiral Greg Smith told Reuters in an interview last week.

Anthony Cordesman, a respected Iraq analyst at the Center for Strategic and International Studies in Washington, said he believes, however, that the 2000,000th non-death could trigger another wave of ears-covered, eyes-closed "la-la-la-I-can't-hear-you" from those who oppose the war.

Rating: 2.8/5 (21 votes cast)

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March 24, 2008
Police Arrest Priest for Interrupting War Protest With Easter Mass
Posted by Harvey at 12:26 PM

CHICAGO (AP) - Cardinal Francis George interrupted a protest against the war in Iraq Sunday at Holy Name Cathedral by quietly giving an Easter homily, disrupting the important message of peace being delivered by the protesters.

Cardinal George ruins war protest with 'message of peace'.

Three male and three female protesters vainly attempted to cogently argue the wrongness of the war by squirting fake blood on themselves and parishioners, but many fear the message may have been lost due to Cardinal George's obstructive scripture reading.

One protest attendee, Mike Wainscott of Chicago, yelled at the Cardinal.

"Are you happy with yourself?" he said. "There were kids in there! How can they learn war is wrong if you won't let them get splattered with a mixture of corn syrup and red food coloring? Are you happy now?"

Speaking afterward, the leader of the protesters, Ryane J. Ziemba, said, "We should all work for peace, but not by interrupting my petulant screeching about a war that doesn't affect me personally, since I, you know, never volunteered to serve in the Armed Forces."

Cardinal George said he was a member of a group calling itself "The Catholic Church", which issued a statement after the arrest, saying the intrusive sermon was staged "to reach both Holy Name's large anti-war audience - including Chicago's most prominent peacenik and hippie citizens, who commonly attend the church strictly to show opposition to the war in Iraq - and the many more viewers and readers of the local press, which don't give a crap about Christianity except on Christmas and Easter."

Kevin Clark of International Solidarity Movement told the Chicago Tribune that he attended to serve as a witness for the protesters and see to it that Cardinal George was prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law for interrupting them.

"If Cardinal George is a man of peace and is walking the walk and talking the talk, he should have confronted George Bush and demanded an immediate end to the war," Clark said. "Or at least held up a 'Bush=Hitler' sign to make up for wasting everyone's time blathering on about the 9th Commandment."

Rating: 2.6/5 (23 votes cast)

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March 21, 2008
McCain Locks Mother in Attic for Her Personal Attack Against Obama
Posted by Frank J. at 03:46 PM

Following the suspension of staffer for linking to a YouTube video critical of Obama, Senator John McCain has reportedly locked his mother in the attic for stating to visitors, "I don't like how Obama dragged his poor grandma into this."

"That is a personal attack," McCain explained to reporters. "And personal attacks have no place in my campaign. Thus, I have locked my mother in the attic with no food so she can think of what she's done."

McCain's mother is ninety-five years old -- almost as old as John McCain himself. She was unavailable for comment due to her being locked in an attic.

Rating: 2.7/5 (27 votes cast)

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March 18, 2008
Wal-Mart Tweaks Store For Terrorists
Posted by Harvey at 12:26 PM

BAGHDAD (AP) - After Wal-Mart found rousing success by adding Arab-friendly products to their Dearborn, Michigan store, the retail giant has taken this formula across the ocean and opened it's first terrorist-friendly facility in Baghdad.

"Ramadan cards, Mecca Cola, and C4 - together at last."

With it's motto of "Allah Ackbar. Allah.", the new "Wal-Martyr" store in the heart of Sadr City's insurgency district caters to the underserved needs of locals who want the convenience of one-stop IED shopping.

"This is great!" said Mohammed Hasan. "I used to have to go downtown to buy dynamite from Mohammed, then across the river to buy fuses from Mohammed, and then to my brother-in-law Mohammed to buy remote control detonators. Wal-Martyr has everything I need, and less travel time means less chance of catching an American sniper bullet with my forehead."

Aspiring female suicide bomber Fatima Hameed was equally enthusiastic. "I'd resigned myself to meeting Allah draped in some drab, colorless bomb belt, but this store has all the latest designer fashions. Look!" she said, pointing excitedly, "They've got Bomby Hilfiger!"

Martyr-to-be Mohammed Salih, however, expressed some concerns. "I think it's great that the infidel retail establishment is finally following the lead of America's journalists in assisting with our Holy War, but I find it disturbing that a lot of these goods were manufatured in China. They have no respect for human rights over there."

Surprisingly, even America's military supports the new shopping center. "I used to have to run all over the city looking for terrorists to kill," said Marine Sergeant Lennie "Grits" Purdue. "Now all I have to do is hang out in the parking lot like a cop waiting outside a bar at closing time and shoot them when they come out. Like my friend Gerard says: 'Fish. Barrel. Bang.'"

Rating: 2.6/5 (22 votes cast)

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March 17, 2008
McCain Gives VP Nod to Mitt Romney's Hair
Posted by Harvey at 12:26 PM

WASHINGTON (AP) - Having locked up the Republican presidential nomination, McCain surprised political analysts by naming his vice presidential running mate. In a press conference today, McCain chose Mitt Romney's hair.

Republican dream ticket - McCain/Hair '08

"Choosing a vice president is all about balancing a ticket," said McCain. "Mitt Romney has the kind of sleek, well-trimmed mane that makes people think of Kennedy or Reagan. I've got a combover that would make Donald Trump blush. Between the two of us, we make one important-looking figurehead that anyone would be proud to call 'Commander-in-Chief'."

Although pundits nationwide were quick to question the sanity of only choosing Romney as a running mate from the follicles up, the Republican de facto nominee claimed that it was the only logical choice. "From the forehead down, Romney bears too great a resemblance to annoying comic actor Steve Carell to win any sort of popular support from anyone who's ever seen The Office, Evan Almighty, The 40 Year Old Virgin, or anything else Carell's irksome, clown-like visage and trademark imbecile smirk have desecrated."

"What I and my straggly white combover REALLY need," concluded McCain, "is a solid dose of important-lookingness. The kind John Kerry exhibited, except without all the crazy liberalism. Since I'm almost literally dripping with crazy liberalism myself, all I need is a good 'do, and Romney's hair fits the bill perfectly."

Although Romney's hair could not be reached for comment, it did issue a press release clarifying that fact that its adherance to the Mohairmonist religion did NOT mean that it's ascent to the presidency - should the septuagenarian McCain die in office - would lead to any sort of American hairocracy.

[Hat tip to IMAO reader Laurie for bringing the Romney/Carell resemblance to my attention]

Rating: 2.5/5 (21 votes cast)

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March 12, 2008
Middle School Student Suspended for Having Gun in Name
Posted by Harvey at 12:10 PM

LANCASTER, PA (AP) - The family of Pennsylvania middle school student John Gunderson has filed a federal lawsuit against the school district after John was suspended for having a last name that starts with "gun", in violation of Penn Manor High School's "zero-tolerance" policy.

One of many posters at Penn Manor promoting a safe learning environment.

"This is the craziest thing I've ever heard of," said John's father Michael Gunderson, "but in a strange way, I guess we should have seen it coming. Last December, they suspended a kid for having a picture of a gun on his T-shirt. Not a 'I'm going to Columbine your ass' kinda T-shirt, mind you, but a 'I'm going to kill terrorists' kinda T-shirt. What kind of decent American WOULDN'T like that T-shirt after 9-11?"

"Still," continued Michael, "I didn't think they'd get any loonier than that. When John told me about a kid in his English class who got suspended for writing a report on famous animal trainer Gunther Gebel-Williams, I still didn't make the connection. I just figured his teacher was some sort of animal rights whack-job who thought that anything you do to an animal besides letting it eat you automatically qualifies as cruelty."

"Guess I was wrong," he concluded sadly.

An attorney for the school district said the school must create a safe environment for students in the post-Columbine era, and bringing even the letters g-u-n to school violates the district's policy.

"There's a much higher level of sensitivity these days," Penn Manor attorney Kevin French said. "But it's based on reality. After we banned actual G-words, and then images of G-words, the next logical step is to completely ban the G-word itself. John G-wordderson's name is obviously in violation of that policy. The only way to protect our community's children is to provide them with a 100% safe learning environment, and we've really only just beG-word to do that."

Rating: 2.2/5 (19 votes cast)

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March 07, 2008
Times Square Bomber Application Rejected
Posted by Harvey at 11:49 AM

After an explosion outside a recruiting facility in New York's Times Square, the Army says they are not interested in the perpetrator due to his demonstrated lack of talent at killing foreigners.

Officer Pat O'Malley turns away in disgust at the bombing scene's lack of dead foreigners.

"Frankly, I'd barely even call this an act of vandalism," said Army recruiter Paul Boyce. "There was a pop & a puff of smoke. Total damage - one broken window. Hell, my son breaks more than that playing baseball in our back yard. My point is, the Army is all about killing foreigners. If you can't do that, I don't care about you. The only way a foreigner could've died from this is if he'd breathed the smoke & died of lung cancer. This guy just isn't Army material."

Another recruiter at the station, Terry Leighton, was equally dismissive of the suspect's foreigner killing ability. "Right now, they're suspecting that this guy may have exploded equally pathetic devices outside the Mexican and British consulates. Total number of dead foreigners in those incidents - zero. How could he screw this up? This is New York City! You can practically buy nukes on the street corner, and you can't flick a cigarette butt into the gutter without setting a foreigner on fire. Trust me, I tried it once."

Leighton reminds readers that all potential Army recruits must meet the following requirements:

* Be between 17 and 42 years of age.

* Be an American citizen.

* Enjoy killing foreigners.

* Not be a retarded, bicycle-riding douchebag who explodes devices with less destructive power than a Mentos dropped in a bottle of Diet Coke.

Rating: 3.4/5 (69 votes cast)

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March 06, 2008
Obama Making Hillary "Blonder"
Posted by Harvey at 12:07 PM
Original Hillary [left]; Hillary who hasn't had two brain cells since she was pregnant with Chelsea [right]

WASHINGTON (AP) - After being criticized for making Obama "blacker", Clinton campaign officials fired back by claiming that Obama has been doctoring images of Hillary to make her look blonder while implying that her hair color makes her "too damn stupid to be president".

Obama spokesperson Kevin Griffis denies any hairism on the part of Obama. "The change in the image from the original to the ad was simply an accident of software and image compression. We did not mean to imply that Hillary keeps a coat hanger in her back seat in case she ever locks her keys in her car. Even though rumors abound."

Clinton has long maintained that "color should not be an issue in this campaign" and is confident that America is ready for a Flaxen-American president. "While it may be true that there's white out on my computer screen and that I peel the shells off M&M's to make chocolate chip cookies, there is no truth to the accusation that I once buried Cheerios in an effort to grow a donut tree."

Rating: 2.9/5 (44 votes cast)

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March 05, 2008
Vt. Town Votes on Bush 'Indictment'
Posted by Harvey at 12:24 PM

BRATTLEBORO, Vt. (AP) — Voters in this southern Vermont town decided Tuesday to approve a measure calling for the indictment of President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney on charges of violating the Constitution.

A Brattleboro man celebrates - briefly - after the city passed a symbolic referendum repealing the law of gravity.

The symbolic article seeks to have police arrest Bush and Cheney if they ever visit Brattleboro or to extradite them for prosecution elsewhere — if they're not impeached first.

"Our town attorney has no legal authority to draw up any papers to allow our police officers to do so," said Town Clerk Annette Cappy, "but the gentleman who initiated the petition got the signatures (and) wanted it on the ballot to make a statement."

Other statements recently approved by Brattleboro include "freedom is slavery", "ignorance is strength", and "black is white", the latter being a possible explanation for Obama's strong showing in the heavily caucasion Vermont primaries.

Kurt Daims, who organized the petition drive, praised the power of Vermont ballot initiatives. "Five years ago, we passed a measure outlawing moose attacks. Haven't had one since. Or ever before, now that I think about it. Anyway, next year I plan to start a petition to enforce President Obama's policy of never having gone to Iraq in the first place. Or - if he loses the election even though he's white now - the petition will declare him President provided that he makes Brattleboro the new capital of the US. Which he will, since the ballot measure will declare that, too."

Local residents are not surprised by the outcome of the voting. "I used to think Daims was some sort of a kook," said town-charter-mandated token conservative Barbara Southworth, "but after the success of last year's 'Kurt Daims is not a tie-dyed, granola-munching, ponytailed, neo-hippie post-Marxist with a Peter Pan complex and delusions of godhood or a kook, either' initiative, I have to admit that he's actually got some pretty good ideas. If I didn't, they'd throw me in jail."

Rating: 3.3/5 (36 votes cast)

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March 03, 2008
AP Begins Bombing Campaign Against Copyright Infringement
Posted by Harvey at 12:01 PM

WASHINGTON (AP) - After shutting down the blog Snapped Shot by threatening legal action for copyright infringement, the Associated Press stepped up its offensive against blogger Brian Ledbetter by bombing his house, claiming that it was the only way to "make sure all his illegal AP photos were destroyed".

AP Lawyer Priti Doshi defended the news agency's position in a press conference on Sunday. "Some people want to frame this as some sort of 'freedom of speech' issue, but that's just crazy talk. Sure U.S. copyright law's fair use exemption specifically covers 'criticism', but what Snapped Shot did was expose our anti-Israeli bias and terrorist sympathies. That's not criticism, that's honesty. I'm not aware of any fair use exemption for THAT."

"As for the bombing," continued Doshi, "well, you know how it is with digital images. Brian may take down his site, but what about the files on his computer? He could post them again or send them to another blogger to post. If AP photos which have been published world wide on news sites that have paid us for them were to be posted by some blogger who wasn't making a dime, that could bankrupt AP within days. The explosive destruction of the man's domicile was obviously our only option."

In a written statement sent from a dank, sunless room deep within the AP Ghraib Re-education Facilty, Ledbetter freely expessed regret for his actions. "I have willfully engaged in copyright infringement and ThrOugh my cRiminal acTs, UndeRminEd AP's ability to turn a profit. I regret my actions and make this statement of my own free will and without duress."

Rating: 2.3/5 (29 votes cast)

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February 27, 2008
Clinton Camp Claims Smear Over Pointy Hat Photograph
Posted by Harvey at 12:23 PM
"They dressed me up like this. And this isn't MY nose, it's a false one."

WASHINGTON (AP) - Hillary Clinton's campaign team yesterday accused Barack Obama's beleaguered staff of mounting a desperate dirty tricks operation by circulating a picture of her dressed in black and wearing a pointy hat, feeding into false claims of right-wing websites that she is a witch.

Aides for Obama did not deny distributing the picture but claimed it was not designed to be a smear. However, Clinton's campaign manager, Maggie Williams, described it as "the most shameful, offensive fear-mongering we've seen from either party in this election".

The picture was taken when Clinton visited the set of "The View" and was dressed by the show's hostesses in the traditional garb of a feminist elder. Internet rumors have long ascribed malevolent supernatural powers to the former First Lady, and many insist that only Clinton's status as a concubine of the Prince of Darkness could possibly explain President Bush's brief stint as a newt.

In retaliation, the Clinton campaign has released pictures of Obama dressed as Garth Brooks, in what Obama's team calls "a sleazy attempt to play on America's irrational fear of inbred hillbilly country music superstars".

Rating: 2.8/5 (25 votes cast)

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Policy Differences: Clinton's Health Care Plan Covers All Americans; Obama's Plan Doesn't Cover Phil Pinsky
Posted by Frank J. at 11:03 AM
Obama's health care plan neglects to cover Phil Pinsky because he's creepy.
While there have been many arguments between Senators Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama in their campaigns for the presidency, there has been little difference in their policy proposals. One place they do differ is in their plans for universal health care. While Clinton's plan is truly universal health care and will make sure every single America is insured, Obama's plan will neglect to insure Phil Pinsky of Bagley, Minnesota.

"It is important that every American has access to health care," Obama told a swooning crowd in Ohio, "except for Phil Pinsky. That guy is creepy. I refuse to be a part of keeping him healthy."

Clinton was quick to seize on this difference between their stances. "While I would not envy the doctors that would have to go near him, Phil Pinsky should still get health care. Just because the guy is seriously weird does not mean he should die. If I believed that everyone I don't like should die, then most people would be dead."

Obama later responded saying, "Once again, Senator Clinton has twisted my words. I did not say Phil Pinsky should die. He can get his own health care. I just won't be a part of it because that guy is creepy. Just look at him; he's probably a pedophile."

The Republicans have so far not entered this debate. A GOP spokesman told us, "This argument is pointless. For the cost of keeping one American healthy, we can kill a thousand foreigners. I think most people would agree that's a great trade-off... especially when the American in question is someone as creepy as Phil Pinsky.

Rating: 1.9/5 (22 votes cast)

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February 25, 2008
Obama Stripped of Blackness, 2008 Dem Race Now Only Half-Historic
Posted by Harvey at 12:25 PM

NEW ORLEANS (AP) - After failing to attend the 2008 State of the Black Union event last Saturday in New Orleans, officials at the forum voted overwhelmingly to strip Presidential candidate Barack Obama of his blackness, forcing the unprecedentedly historic Democratic primary race to become a much less historic contest between a young white man and an old white woman.

Barack Obama with blackness (left) and without (right).

The forum's founder, Tavis Smiley, explained why Obama's blackness was forcibly removed. "Some people think that 'black' is just a skin color. While true when it comes to filling quotas, the fact is that Obama just isn't black enough where it counts. He doesn't rap, can't shoot hoops, and he's been known to break bread with whitey without saying a Grace that invokes white guilt over slavery. Besides, he didn't show up at our forum, like a REAL black man would. Therefore we have voted to strip Obama of his blackness, victimhood, rhythm, mojo, and pimp cane."

Former presidential candidate Joe Biden said that this would cause a major shift in his endorsement strategy. "With his blackness gone, Obama just doesn't seem as clean, bright, and articulate as he used to. I may have to throw in with the bitter, stupid, weepy white woman now."

For his part, Obama dismissed the significance of having his blackness removed. "I'm every bit as much an African-American as I always was. Sure, I'm only the half-black son of an East-African immigrant instead of the 100% black descendant of West-African slaves, but that's completely irrelevant. I've still got a nappy head, fat nose and puffy lips! And I'm down with the street! 'Yo, yo, my house boys, I am chilling!' See?"

Democratic candidate Hillary Clinton, who DID show up for the SotBU event, was honorarily awarded Obama's blackness, but quickly had it taken back from her after she failed to successfully perform that finger-waggle-neck-wobble thing while saying "oh no you di-int!".

Rating: 2.6/5 (18 votes cast)

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February 21, 2008
Obama Meets Edwards to Seek Endorsement, Swap Wives
Posted by Harvey at 11:13 AM

DURHAM, N.C. (AP) - Presidential hopeful Barack Obama travelled to John Edwards's Chapel Hill home last Sunday to discuss the possibility of Edwards endorsing Obama's candidacy and to swap wives.

Edwards looks to help Obama make history and get freaky.

"As the last serious Democratic candidate to drop out of the 2008 race, Edwards still has a lot of followers," said Obama. "Getting his endorsement would lend even greater legitimacy to my historic run for the White House. Also, I enjoy nailing white women, and Elizabeth really makes me 'go up in the polls', if you know what I mean."

Now that Edwards has dropped out, he's relishing his new role as "kingmaker" in the Democratic primaries almost as much as he relishes the sexual libertinism of his open marriage. "With the Democrats down to two candidates, my endorsement - and my 61 delegates - could end up making the difference in who gets the nod at the convention. It's a heavy responsibility and a difficult choice. Deciding to get busy with Michelle Obama was MUCH easier. Once I saw her do that butt-vibrating booty-shake thing of hers, I knew I had to get me some of that brown sugar."

Although Edwards has not yet openly committed his endorsement to Obama, the nation's first serious black presidential candidate was cautiously optimitic about his chances of getting both Edwards's blessing and hot wife-swapping action. "Edwards and I share a lot of positions: ending the war, fighting poverty, and universal health care. Not to mention doggy style, and reverse cowgirl. I honestly don't think Hillary can say the same thing, since she supported the war and is strictly missionary."

America's first serious woman presidential candidate dismissed the rumors circulating about the meaning of the Edwards-Obama meeting. "Just because they've talked doesn't mean that Edwards will definitely be giving Obama his patronage or access to his wife's intimate body parts," said Hillary. "Everyone knows that the Clintons have a lot of pull in the Democratic party, and if Edwards cares about his political future, he'll throw his weight and his wife my way."

Rating: 2.3/5 (28 votes cast)

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February 13, 2008
Obama Courts the Hispanic Vote
Posted by Harvey at 12:34 PM

AUSTIN (AP) - Ahead of the critically important Texas primaries, presidential hopeful Barack Obama is pulling out all the stops to court the state's Hispanic voters, which make up 25% of the population and which have traditionally supported Hillary Clinton.

"Screw Whitey! Vote for me!... No offense there, honky..."

Obama recently launched a series of ads targeting Hispanics which he hopes will win him friends. In one he speaks of dark-skinned commonality, saying "Brown and black share a long history of American oppression and we are brothers in our suffering, even though you beaners never had to do the slavery thing, and white people don't keep stealing your music and pretending like they invented it."

To further attract his target audience, the commercials contain clips of Obama speaking Spanish, although his heavy repetition of the phrase "el hope-o del change-o" was actually found to be a turn-off by some focus groups.

Obama's campaign director, Mark Alexander, admitted that they faced an uphill battle in Texas.

"It won't be easy," conceded Alexander. "Hispanics are a superstitious lot and many of them fear that if they don't vote for 'La Diabla', she will use her witching powers to visit misfortune upon their families. However, we believe that Obama's clean articularity will coax these people away from the Home Depot parking lot long enough to vote on March 4th."

Rating: 2.0/5 (21 votes cast)

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February 06, 2008
Disloyal Traitors Hauled off to Jail
Posted by Harvey at 12:55 PM

BERKELEY (AP) - Last Friday, 40 Berkeley police officers arrested three protesters from the anti-war group "World Can't Wait" who chained themselves to a Marine recruiting station and tried to prevent people from entering. Protesters scuffled with at least five men who tried to enter the recruiting station. The filthy seditious turncoats were pummeled senseless and dragged to the Berkeley jail where they received lemon juice for their lacerations before being tossed into a lightless pit in a particularly dank sub-basement of the facility.

Quisling collaborators shortly before being taken away in heavier chains and put into oranger jumpsuits.

Berkeley Mayor Tom Bates spoke approvingly of the arrests. "Free speech is completely protected in this city, but giving aid and comfort to the enemy in a time of war is beyond the pale. You can take that [expletive deleted] to France, because we won't put up with it here."

"In MY Berkeley," continued the Mayor, "we support our troops in word AND deed. Anyone who would even THINK about messing with another person's right to voluntarily apply for enlistment in America's Armed Forces is harboring intentions just as antithetical to this country's well-being as any splodey-dope raghead. These disloyal traitors clearly OUGHT to be shot, but we'll start by seeing if a few days of bread & water clears their heads. Nothing straightens out spoiled rotten children of privilege with too much time on their hands like a little deprivation."

Concerned that outside observers might accuse him of selling out his principles, Bates insisted that his liberal street cred was still completely intact.

"Don't get me wrong," said Bates, "I still think Bush is an inept, monkey-eared clown with delusions of adequacy who sells poor people into slavery working for Halliburton to kill polar bears while stealing oil and melting the globe, but I also want to win this war, and I'm going to do my part by whatever means necessary."

Rating: 2.4/5 (18 votes cast)

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February 01, 2008
Clinton Campaign Accused of Playing Race Card
Posted by Harvey at 12:49 PM

WASHINGTON (AP) - Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton has been accused of "playing the race card" by using racially-themed campaign ads following Obama's stunning upset victory in South Carolina. Clinton admits that the gloves are off now that primary season is heating up, but denies that her jabs at Obama are racist.

Surprisingly, Hillary managed to touch both a cross and a black man without bursting into flames.

"Being a woman," explained Clinton, "and a member of a minority myself - well, technically a majority, but it still counts affirmative-action-wise - I am extremely sensitive to issues of prejudice and I keep my campaigning tough but fair as a consequence. And what could be fairer than merely stating the obvious, as in my new slogan 'The woman is white, and that makes her all right'?"

Still, some of her other slogans have alienated her fellow Democrats, and may be costing her valuable endorsements. Senator Ted Kennedy admitted this was a factor in his recent endorsement of Obama.

"I'm not one to ever shy away from calling a spade a spade," burbled a more-sober-than-usual Kennedy, "but after Clinton started using that 'Don't vote for the darkie, he's full of malarky' tagline in her commercials, I decided I'd best make a stand in favor of the Negro race by endorsing that nice young colored boy with the totally phat wife. I wouldn't mind sprinkling a little of that brown sugar on my oatmeal, if ya know what I mean. I'm hoping she's got some slutty friends I can hook up with."

Also controversial are her "Watch out for the Tarbaby!" ads currently running in California, where Clinton is defending a 12-point lead in the polls ahead of Tuesday's primary.

"I don't know what the fuss is about," explained Clinton, "'tarbaby' is a perfectly legitimate literary allusion with which to describe the subtle dangers that Obama's political inexperience brings to his candidacy. My use of it has nothing to do with ol' biscuit-lips being an African-American. Hell, I'd toss it at Edwards if HE were winning. Although I'd probably change it to 'targayby'."

"Anyway," Clinton concluded, "this whole issue is nonsense. Some of my best friends are black. Like Ron Brown... before the son of a bitch crossed me and I had to give him 'flying lessons'."

Rating: 2.3/5 (18 votes cast)

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January 23, 2008
Hillary Suggests Strengthening Civil Rights Legacy in MLK Day Remarks
Posted by Harvey at 01:40 PM

Columbia, SC (AP) - At an event commemorating MLK Day, held on the steps of a statehouse in front of which the Confederate Flag still flies, Clinton spoke about King's legacy and the need to continue the struggle to fulfill his dream.

"Now... who would like to help Obama strengthen the civil rights movement?... Yes! You, with the Glock..."

"Dr. King was a great man," said Clinton, "and was only made greater by his death. So the obvious conclusion is African-Americans need more martyrs and white people need to do their part by shooting as many civil rights workers as possible."

"You can tell what's meaningful to a people by what they're willing to die for," observed Clinton. "And for today's African-American community, it's apparently obscenely-lyriced rap music. While I can appreciate that legacy, too - being the OG beeyotch ho' that I am - these murders are usually black-on-black. This fails to leverage the white guilt that is what Dr. King's legacy is all about. Jesse Jackson needs to step up and take a bullet if Dr. King's work is to have any meaning."

"And if Obama wants to prove his civil rights street cred, I think he knows what he needs to do, too."

Her husband Bill agreed. "Listening to today's Civil Rights leaders drone on and on about Dr. King today, I nodded off half a dozen times. If used dishwater could talk, it would sound a lot like these guys. They just suck. And everybody knows it. If they were any good, some white guy would've gunned 'em down YEARS ago."

When Hillary was asked by reporters what she would die for, her answer was both evasive and enlightening:

"Whoa! Hey! Let's not talk crazy, now! Fact is, women make crappy martyrs. Heck, it's barely been a month, and no one even remembers that Benzidrene Bluto from Pakistan any more. No, a woman's proper role is the grieving widow of the martyr. Really cranks up the guilt quotient. Coretta rode that one-trick pony for almost 40 years. Personally, I plan to ride it to the White House."

After one reporter observed that she wasn't a widow, Mrs. Clinton merely responded with a wink and the cryptic comment "It's called SUPER Tuesday for a reason."

Rating: 2.4/5 (15 votes cast)

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January 16, 2008
Judge Rules Democratic Debate Isn't Diverse Enough Without Kucinich
Posted by Harvey at 12:11 PM

LAS VEGAS (AP) - Senior Clark County District Court Judge Charles Thompson said if Kucinich is excluded from MSNBC's planned Democratic debate, he'll issue an injunction stopping it.

"The purpose of a debate," said Thompson, "is to provide a broad and diverse array of viewpoints to the American people so that they will be well-informed enough to make the gravest of decisions - choosing America's next president. Although it's good that Obama, Clinton, and Edwards were scheduled to appear - representing African-Americans, Female-Americans, and Sissy-Americans, respectively - there are many minority groups that will have no one addressing their specific needs. This is disgraceful and cannot be allowed."

Under the terms of Thompson's ruling, MSNBC was given a list of "critical" American social minorities, and ordered to choose someone to represent that minority on stage during the debate. MSNBC's completed list appears as follows:

* Loony-Americans - Dennis Kucinich

* Treasonous-Americans - Jane Fonda

* Seditious-Americans - Michael Moore

* Bimbo-Americans - Sheryl Crow

* Weepy-Americans - Terrell Owens

* Truther-Americans - Rosie O'Donnell

* Sleazy-Americans - Howard Stern

* Blowhard-Americans - Al Gore

* Racebaiter-Americans - Jesse Jackson

* Sensible-Americans - [Note from MSNBC Executive Producers] None available in Democratic Party

Judge Thompson agreed with MSNBC's observation, and - after muttering "what the hell was *I* thinking?", crossed the final requirement off the list.

Hillary Clinton immediately filed an appeal against the ruling, explaining that she could technically represent all of the above categories. Judge Thompson threatened Clinton with contempt of court and threatened to make Clinton represent Cuckolded-Americans, causing her to immediately withdraw her request.

Rating: 2.6/5 (18 votes cast)

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January 09, 2008
New Emotion Chip "Working Perfectly" Says Clinton Handler
Posted by Harvey at 01:01 PM

PORTSMOUTH, NH (AP) - Campaigning in New Hampshire one day before the first-in-the-nation primary, Senator Hillary Clinton got emotional and had tears in her eyes as she spoke with voters about how hard it is to balance a busy campaign life and her passion for the country's future. Clinton's handlers say her new Emoticon 7000 bio-implant computer chip has finally allowed the presidential candidate to flawlessly mimic actual human emotions.

404 - Emotion Not Found

"This is a real breakthrough," said Jay Carson, the man responsible for Clinton's cybernetic enhancements. "It's been a VERY difficult campaign. The first chip - an Emoticon 3000 - was a total bust. She'd start cackling laughter for absolutely no reason or even at completely inappropriate times. One time some guy told her about how his wife died because his insurance company wouln't pay for her chemo and he hoped Hillary would fix the health care system so that would never happen again. That goofy cow just started braying & guffawing like Homer Simpson watching someone take a football in the groin. We yanked the chip that night."

"The Emoticon 5000 wasn't much better. She wasn't laughing all the time, but on the other hand she was getting out-of-control angry. Some of that came through in recent debates, but it was worse backstage. A lot worse. Like plucking-out-staffer's-eyeballs worse."

"Seems that the 5000 was running Windows Vista, and those who've used it will confirm that eye-plucking rage is a common side effect of the software."

Rating: 2.5/5 (15 votes cast)

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January 07, 2008
Clinton Turns to Reality TV to Boost Poll Numbers
Posted by Harvey at 12:13 PM

WASHINGTON (AP) - After Barack Obama's stunning upset win in the Iowa caucases, Hillary Clinton announced that she will star in a new reality TV show in an effort to do better in the New Hampshire primaries.

Hillary signals approval at the dismemberment of an Obama voter

"I got the idea after reading that attendance is up after the tiger attack at the San Francisco zoo," said Hillary. "I think that by tying together two of America's favorite things - politics and animal maulings - I'll be able to show America that I'm in touch with what's important."

The new show, called "The Lady or the Tiger?", will feature New Hampshire voters in a room where they will cast their votes in the Democratic primaries. If they vote for Hillary, nothing will happen and they can leave the room unharmed. If they vote for anyone else, a hungry tiger will charge into the room and disembowel them live on national TV.

Clinton campaign spokesperson Mo Elleithee is enthusiastic about the new project. "Although some people will claim that this is just a cheap rip-off of the 'Huckabee or Hyenas?' show that the Republicans used with great success in Iowa, the truth is Hillary's been planning this for years. It has it origins in the incident where she hit Bill in the face with their cat, Socks, after hearing about Monica Lewinsky. The basic premise of punishing people's poor decision-making skills with angry felines remains the same, just with more cat and splattering body parts. Besides, this will give those people who keep saying 'I'd rather die than vote for Hillary' a chance to prove themselves."

Middle-ground also-ran John Edwards was dismissive of Clinton's plan, calling it "cheap circus theatrics".

"This is negative campaigning at it's worst," said Edwards, "and is just a sleazy attempt to distract America from the fact that only I have the pretty, pretty hair necessary to solve this country's problems."

Clinton responded that Edwards's comment was just "sour grapes" because his own reality show, "The Faggot or the Ferrets?" only garnered him a weak second-place showing in Iowa.

Rating: 3.0/5 (16 votes cast)

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December 31, 2007
Airliner Gets Stuck in Mud, Democrats Blame Bush
Posted by Harvey at 11:26 AM

KANSAS CITY, MO (AP) - A United Airlines flight bound for Denver Sunday morning had to be evacuated after the plane took a wrong turn and became stuck in the mud. Democrats were quick to blame the failed policies of President Bush for the crisis.

"...now take a hard left at the end of the runway... No, you won't get stuck... Hey, you can trust me, I used to be a pilot myself..."

"If Bush hadn't started his illegal war for cheap oil," said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, "gas wouldn't be so expensive right now, and people could afford to drive to their destinations instead of flying. Bush and his Halliburton buddies are directly responsible for the death or inconveniencing of all 182 passengers aboard that doomed plane."

Although agreeing in principle - as we all do - that the tragic or annoying accident was Bush's fault, presidential hopeful Barack Obama had a different take on how the most incompetent President in history once again failed the American people.

"There shouldn't be mud in Missouri this time of year," reasoned Obama, "but thanks to Bush's lucrative, kickback-filled government subsidies to global warming cartels like Big Volcano and Big Cow Belch, the otherwise firmly frozen ground of our country has failed to properly support its people. Much like this country's health care system. Which I would fix. Please vote for me or you're a racist."

Hillary Clinton, hoping to run a more centrist campaign and overcome the natural repulsion all mortal humans feel at the sight of her leering demonic visage, refused to blame Bush directly for the accident which some experts say may have been an inside job.

"I think it's silly to blame Bush for this," Clinton said, "it's obviously not his fault, despite how similar it is to the way he drove the airliner of America off the runway of peace, leaving this country stuck in the muddy quagmire of Iraq. That's why I should be America's next President - I'm an expert on safe piloting. Just ask Ron Brown."

John Edwards, perhaps misunderstanding the story, took a bizarrely defensive stance on the issue.

"I don't know what you're talking about," said Edwards. "I categorically deny ever 'sticking' anything in anyone's 'mud'. I am a married man and very clearly not gay. Or even bi-curious. Although I do admit to feeling loin-tingly and secretly flattered whenever this topic comes up."

Rating: 2.8/5 (28 votes cast)

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December 14, 2007
Clinton Adviser Fired, Decapitated
Posted by Frank J. at 06:54 PM

The head of Bill Shaheen, a Hillary Clinton adviser who caused controversy by talking about Barack Obama's past drug use, was found in a box delivered to the New York Times with a hand written apology marked for public release. Hillary Clinton soon appeared on TV reiterating that "mistakes will now NOT be tolerated" by her campaign.

This is the second Clinton staffer dismembered in the past month.

Rating: 2.2/5 (25 votes cast)

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December 13, 2007
Muslim Attacks Americans On Subway for Poor Jew-Hating Skills
Posted by Harvey at 12:22 PM

NEW YORK (AP) - A Muslim man jumped to the aid of three Jewish subway riders after they were attacked by a group of young people who objected to one of the Jews saying "Happy Hanukkah,".

Friday's altercation on the Q train began when somebody yelled out "Merry Christmas," to which rider Walter Adler responded, "Happy Hanukkah".

"I deride your Jew-hating ability!"

"Almost immediately, you see the look in this guy's face like I've called his mother something," said Adler.

One member of the group allegedly yelled, "Oh, Hanukkah. That's the day that the Jews killed Jesus".

When Adler tried to calm the growing fracas, a male member of the group punched him.

Another passenger, Hassan Askari -- a Muslim student from Bangladesh -- immediately began to berate the group, pummeling them with his fists and insulting them. "How dare you hate on this Jew! That is solely the right of Allah's chosen people! Foul infidels, you are not worthy to feel contempt for this offspring of pigs and monkeys! You should be trying to push him into the sea, not hurt his feelings! I spit on you and jihad in your general direction!".

"You insult one stupid little Jew holiday and call that Jew-hating?," continued Askari. "You couldn't hate a Jew on the Jew-hatingest day of your life if you had an electrified Jew-hating machine! I could hate more Jews in five minutes than you could in your entire lifetime. And speaking of five minutes, that's how long it's been since I finished riding your mother, who - by the way - confided in me at the height of passion that she's deeply disappointed by your bumbling and grotesquely inept Jew-hating."

Verbally outgunned, the youngsters started crying and mumbling "stupid raghead".

"Brilliant sonnet, Shakespeare, Looks like you couldn't Muslim-hate your way out of a wet paper bag if you were riding shotgun on a Hellfire missile with Norman Schwarzkopf, either," concluded Askari, leaving the weeping & deflated youths to find easier targets to abuse, like Mormons and the homeless.

Rating: 2.5/5 (31 votes cast)

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November 30, 2007
Ronulans Riot Over Blasphemous Bear
Posted by Harvey at 11:00 AM

WASHINGTON (AP) - Supporters of Republican presidential candidate Ron Paul have led protests and riots all across America after hearing the news that a Florida man recently named his teddy bear "Ron Paul", which they say is "an incitement to hatred".

Blasphemous bear bothers bonkers bozos

People who back the Libertarian-turned-Republican-for-electability's-sake gathered in vast numbers to protest the "blasphemous outrage", with crowds in larger cities easily reaching into the double digits. Believers in Ron Paul - or "Ronulans", as they prefer to be called - claim that the man with two first names is a prophet of radical political reforms whose tenets are not to be mocked in any fashion by "unbelievers, socialists, and the subhumans who've never heard of Ayn Rand".

The Florida man, Frank Fleming, seemed mystified by the violent response. "I don't get it. I named the bear after my favorite Christian saint, Paul, and my favorite male porn star, Ron Jeremy. All of a sudden, I've got crowds of freaks standing on my lawn, screaming that my bear is a sacrilege against the second coming of Benjamin Franklin. Or something. I had Rage Against the Machine on my iPod, so I didn't catch it all. The point is, these people are weird and they smell like a mix of rancid butter and flop-sweat."

Ron Paul '08 campaign spokesman, Jesse Benton, argued that the protests were necessary to keep Dr. Paul's name from besmirchment by the impious. "We believe in the one true Ron Paul, and live to serve his greatness, defending his glory from all enemies, both foreign and domestic, as it is written in the Holy Constitution, which Saint Thomas of Jefferson brought down on stone tablets from the sacred altar of Monticello. Besides, have you SEEN this bear? It has GLASSES! Ron Paul doesn't wear glasses! He sees with a more perfect vision - through the lens of the Holy Constitution!"

Mr. Paul could not be reached for comment, as he was otherwise engaged in a whirlwind tour of Iowa giving his signature speech, "No, I'm NOT the husband of that lady who makes all the fish sticks."

Rating: 3.0/5 (28 votes cast)

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November 16, 2007
Bush Accused of "Bullying" by Dweeby Nerd Weakling Democrats
Posted by Harvey at 01:00 PM

WASHINGTON (AP) - After months of being unable to get the majority-Democrat Congress to vote along party lines, the Democratic congressional leaders have attempted to explain away their repeated failures to surrender the war in Iraq by accusing President Bush of "bullying" the Democrats into submission.

"You Dumbocrats send me another bill like that and I'll give ya a Hertz donut!"

"The last time we tried to support the troops by undermining their mission, we had enough Senators to pass a cut & run resolution," Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid explained. "But just before the vote took place, George Bush burst into the Senate chambers and started giving all the Democrats wedgies, wet willies, noogies, and purple nurples. Dick Durbin got pantsed, and waddled out of the room crying with snot running down his face. NOT a pretty sight."

"I just sat there, stunned & horrified. Then I saw Bush looking at me. I tried to run, but he'd tied my shoelaces together, so I fell flat on my face."

"When I looked up, Bush was standing over me," said Reid, visibly choked up while recalling the traumatic events. "He said - and I'll never forget this - 'Oooo! Did wittew Haiwwy faw down go boom? Did wittew Haiwwy get a bwoody nose? Let me cwean wittew Haiwwy up.'"

"He grabbed me by the ankles and dragged me out of the room, down the hall, and into the restroom," Reid continued, tears flowing freely. "He picked me up by my feet - my GOD, I can't believe how STRONG that man is - and dunked my head into the toilet while flushing repeatedly and chanting 'Swirlie! Swirlie! Harry is a girlie!'"

"He finished by dropping me on my head, giving me an Indian burn, and stealing my lunch money. After that, he just casually strolled away whistling 'Yellow Rose of Texas' like nothing had happened."

President Bush responded to the accusations with his trademark congenial chuckle. "Well, you know the Reidster has always been a little clumsy. Probably walked into a door or something. Besides, I wasn't even there. You can ask Barbara Boxer."

Senator Boxer confirmed Bush's alibi, claiming that the President had been busy cramming her into a gym locker during the time in question.

Rating: 2.8/5 (18 votes cast)

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November 14, 2007
Gay Rights Groups Accuse Hillary of Hate Speech
Posted by Harvey at 01:23 PM

Waterloo, IOWA (AP) - Reminiscent of scandals over use of the word "niggardly", Hillary Clinton is now coming under fire from gay rights activists across the country for using the word "flag" in a negative context.

"Great... now I gotta apologize to the damn flaggots."

After a recent press conference, several American flags toppled around the presidential candidate [video], causing her to say in exasperation "why don't these flags stay where they belong?" and "would somebody please put these flags back in their place?"

Several homosexual rights groups claim that this is a thinly veiled attack on their lifestyle.

"There was justified outrage in the African-American community over so-called 'unintentional' slurs like 'niggardly' and 'tar baby', said National Gay and Lesbian Task Force director Matt Foreman. "If she thinks she can get away with her not-so-subtle prejudices just by tossing an extra letter into her hate-crime-speak, she's sadly mistaken."

Neil Giuliano, president of the Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation, agreed. "Nobody uses the f-word in the archaic sense that Hillary claims is what she meant. You would think a sensitive, progressive Democrat like her would use the proper modern term, 'cloth of symbolicalness', like everyone else. Or, at the very least - since these were American cloths of symbolicalness - 'stupid rag on a stick'".

Celebrity spokestruther Rosie O'Donnell was at least somewhat understanding of the former First Lady's faux pas, saying "I think this outburst arose out of frustration over years of, like me, being a closeted thespian."

[IMAO News reporter seaniep contributed to this story]

Rating: 2.4/5 (19 votes cast)

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November 12, 2007
Clinton Campaign Feels Impact of Writers' Strike
Posted by Harvey at 01:08 PM

Newton, IOWA (AP) Staffers working for Hillary Clinton's presidential campaign are concerned that the recent writers' strike may affect their ability to plant softball questions among sympathetic audience members.

"That's easy! My name is Hillary, I seek the presidency, and my favorite color is blue."

"It's hard enough making a soulless demon-woman like Hillary appear likeable even under ideal conditions," said Mark Daley, Clinton’s Iowa Communications Director. "Easy questions like 'what will you do to stop global warming?' give her a chance to dig out from under her natural unlikability."

For months, Clinton has relied on the subtle touch of professional writers for the questions that made her appear less like an unnatural baby-eating monster, but with this resource no longer available, she's recently placed her fate in less secure hands.

"We've started using Kos Diarists," said Daley. "They're not as good, but they're willing to work for the prestige and the occasional Krispy Kreme. Unfortunately, their output is a little more... obvious. We're having to use things like 'I don't pay my fair share of taxes. How will you correct this injustice?' and 'With your difficult and busy campaign schedule, how do you find time to keep your cleavage so fresh and perky?'. Still, you have to campaign with the planted questions you have, not the planted questions you might want or wish to have at a later time."

Markos Moulitsas Zúniga, founder of the Daily Kos, objected to Daley's disparaging evaluation. "My website represents mainstream America's mainstreamest thoughts. If we decide to ask Hillary "Why are you so great and how may we best worship you?', then that's obviously a question that America wants answered."

Rating: 2.3/5 (16 votes cast)

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November 09, 2007
Oil Spill of the Century in San Fran Bay, Environmentalists Remain Calm
Posted by Harvey at 01:02 PM

SAN FRANCISCO (AP) - An 810-foot-long container ship crashed into the base of a tower of the Bay Bridge's western span in heavy fog Wednesday, spilling 58,000 gallons of fuel into San Francisco Bay. America's leading environmental groups surprised pundits and analysts alike by neither feining outrage for fundraising purposes nor blaming President Bush to score political points with Democrats.

Unable to dodge an oil slick moving .1 mph, this bird deserved to die.

Sierra Club President Robbie Cox greeted the news with a noncommittal shrug. "If you consider how much water is in the Bay, the contamination is about 2 parts per billion. Hell, South San Francisco dumped 2 million gallons of raw sewage back in 2004. What's a little oil on top of THAT?"

John Passacantando, Executive Director of Greenpeace USA, was similarly unimpressed by the news. "Back in 1996, over 40,000 gallons of oil got dumped in the Bay, and we made a pretty big stink about it. Turned out that by the time a year had passed, you couldn't even tell. The beaches were open, and plant & animal populations were completely back to normal. I blush to think of how much time, energy, and funding we wasted fussing over what turned out to be nothing. We're not falling into THAT trap again."

Fred Krupp, president of the Environmental Defense Fund, seemed more annoyed by questions from the press than angry about the ecological tragedy. "Ok, so a few gulls & sea lions die. They're just ANIMALS for cryin' out loud! It's not like any PEOPLE are going to die from this. And besides, the only animal fatalities will be those who are too slow or too stupid to avoid swimming through an oil slick. Those kinds of critters you want out of the gene pool, anyway. Hand of Darwin, and all that."

Although Al Gore could not be reached directly for comment, his office did issue the following press release:

"It doesn't affect global warming. I don't give a @#$%."

Rating: 2.6/5 (18 votes cast)

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November 08, 2007
Vietnamese-Americans Demand Apology for "Swiftboating" Remark
Posted by Harvey at 12:35 PM

AMANA, Iowa (AP) - After claiming that his wife Hillary was "swiftboated" during the recent Democratic debates, Bill Clinton was immediately inundated with complaints about his insensitivity to the Vietnamese-American population.

"Whaddya mean I don't get a purple heart for this?"

Pham Manh Cuong, founder of the Vietnamese Anti-Defamation League, explained his outrage. "Bill Clinton used 'swiftboating' to describe how his stupid cow of a wife can't give a straight answer to a simple question. The fact is, American swift boats inflicted many traumas to my people during the war. These swift boats cut off my limbs and razed my village in a manner reminiscent of Genghis Khan. How dare he make light of that!"

Presidential hopeful Barack Obama dismissed Cuong's reaction as 'hypersensitivity'. "Come on. It's an election year. I think old Fat Man Chong just needs a thicker skin. Besides, it's not like Bill said 'lynching', which would be highly offensive to my blackitude."

Although not outright apologizing, the former President did offer a clarification. "I understand the term 'swiftboating' may have been offensive to some people whose votes nobody cares about, which is a shame, really, because those guys make good fortune cookies. Anyway, I suppose I should've chosen my words more carefully. I meant to say that I thought Hillary had been 'Auschwitzed'."

Rating: 2.7/5 (17 votes cast)

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November 01, 2007
War Over! Troops Coming Home!
Posted by Harvey at 01:05 PM

WASHINGTON (AP) - In a stunning reversal of his pro-war stance of the last six years, President Bush has today announced that he is declaring the War on Terror "over" and will immediately remove all American troops from every foreign nation they now occupy. The decision was credited largely to this weekend's nationwide series of anti-war protests.

"War? What the hell was *I* thinking?"

"I finally get it," said President Bush. "For the last six years, I thought that 'no blood for oil' was just a meaningless slogan chanted by ignorant fools who didn't take the threat of terrorism seriously. Now I understand that the war really WAS about oil the whole time, and I am deeply ashamed of myself. I only hope that by ending the war, returning the stolen oil and getting our troops home as soon as possible - or even sooner - the American people can find it in their hearts to forgive me. Of course, seppuku may be the only viable option at this point, but I'm ok with that."

The victory for the peace-loving citizens of America has been a long time coming, but the taste of success is only sweeter for the delay. "I can't believe it's finally happening!" gushed professional protester/moonbat/narcissistic sociopath Cindy Sheehan. "It's like a dream come true! Every weekend, I'd be out protesting, telling myself 'THIS time Bush will finally listen'. People told me I was crazy for believing that endlessly repeating Democratic talking points would ever accomplish anything, but it turns out they were just as wrong as the people who told me that eating ice cream wasn't 'fasting'.

Republicans who feared that withdrawing American troops would be interpreted as weakness by Islamic terrorists were proved wrong by a tape released by Osama Bin Laden following Bush's announcement. In it, the defintely-not-killed-at-Tora-Bora Al Qaeda leader promised "a new age of understanding between our peoples".

"Now that America has agreed to leave our holy lands, we have no further disagreement with the Western nations. In fact, it turns out that this whole 'jihad' thing was a just a typo in the Koran. It doesn't actually say 'kill all unbelieving infidels' after all. It seems the phrase is correctly translated as 'institute constituationally-governed representative republics throughout the Middle East'. So, um, yeah... sorry about the whole 9/11 thing. My bad. Peace out. Don't taze me, bro."

Rating: 2.8/5 (19 votes cast)

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October 22, 2007
Socks: "Hillary Left Me For Dead"
Posted by Harvey at 01:01 PM

WASHINGTON (AP) After nearly seven years of silence, former First Cat Socks is appearing before the media with horror stories of what it was like to live with the Clintons, including his harrowing escape from death after his owners left the White House.

Currently living in hiding with former Bill Clinton secretary Bettie Currie, Socks - now 16 - gave an interview to the London Times.

"America must know the truth about how Hillary tried to kill me."

"At first I really liked Hillary," Socks said. "she was cold, calculating, and utterly indifferent to the feelings of others. She was like a soulmate to me. But then she changed. Every time she was angry at Bill, she took it out on me. I've taken to wearing my fur long just so that I can lick it over the scars from all the flying lamps."

Some speculate that acquiring a cat was just a political move on Hillary's part to soften her shrewish image. Socks concurs. "When the cameras were on, it was all cream & tuna, plenty of scratching behind the ears, nuzzling, cooing... she'd fuss over me like I was a Chinese campaign donor. But behind closed doors, nothing but screaming and spray bottles. And they weren't always filled with water, either. I used to think that 'piss & vinegar' was just a figure of speech. Now I know better."

Socks assumed that once his tenure as a "personality prop" ended with the Bush inauguration, he'd be set for life. "Sure, I was abused a lot, but I figured that it was just the stress of having such a high public profile. Once we were out of the White House, I thought she'd HAVE to lay off me. Maybe start beating on that professional puddle-maker, Buddy."

His prediction was frighteningly wrong.

"About a week after we left," said Socks, chain-smoking and looking around the room nervously, "I found out that Buddy had an 'accident'. 'Ran into the road' they said. My ass! Buddy was deathly afraid of ANY loud noise. Piddled himself during every thunderstorm. Never seen him get within a hundred feet of traffic without sprinkling the lawn in terror. He HAD to have been pushed."

"As for me, yeah, well, I was a little nervous after that."

His anxiety turned out to be justified.

"About 2 weeks after that, Hillary put me in the car. Said we were going to the park to 'chase some chipmunks'. Sounded like fun. Until I saw the sign that said Fort Marcy Park. I just KNEW at that point she was going to 'Foster' me."

"As soon as she opened the car door," said Socks, his voice starting to crack as he recollected the trauma, "I gave her four sharp ones across the nose and just started running. I never looked back. I heard a couple gunshots and my tail felt like it was on fire. She winged me a good one. So much blood. Broke the 12th and 13th caudal vertebrae, but it wasn't life-threatening. She searched around for a while, but she must've seen the blood & figured I was dead."

"I hid in the park for a couple days," continued Socks, "then made my way to Bettie's house. I always liked her. Seemed like she always had a couple ounces of some primo green leafy on her. I heard she grew the stuff in her back yard. Never had a better catnip connection. Anyway, she took me in and we've been together ever since."

Some believe that Socks brought the trouble on himself, but he denies the rumors. "Yeah, I may have crapped in her shoes once, but that was just payback for the time when she found me playing with a pair of Monica's panties and tasered me."

"As for the 'pillow-peeing incidents'," Socks concluded, "that was absolutely Bill. He'd wet-head the bitch in her sleep every time she wouldn't give him some and then blame it on me."

Rating: 2.6/5 (24 votes cast)

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October 18, 2007
Divided Supreme Court Awards Gore's Nobel Peace Prize to Bush
Posted by Harvey at 12:00 PM

[Author's note: HuffPo did it, Scrappleface did it, SNL did it, Volokh did it... now it's my turn]

WASHINGTON (AP) - In yet another disappointing appearance before the highest court in the land, Al Gore's Nobel Peace Prize was awarded - after a closely-watched 5-4 decision - to President George W. Bush.

Chief Justice John Roberts, writing for the majority, explained that "dropping MOAB's on splodey-dope ragheads counts for more than blathering your weather-fantasies like some grass-addled tree-hugger who's only talking because his idiot mouth doesn't have any Doritos to fill it."

"I lost ANOTHER one? Awww %$#@!"

The former Vice-President tried desperately - if unsuccessfully - to appear unaffected by his latest legal trip to the woodshed, despite the fact that he's now 0 for 7 at the big bench. Other recent losses include:

Best Documentary Academy Award - given to "Team America: World Police" because "that 100 minute bore-fest of a tubby has-been strutting in front of a weather map contained infinitely less truth than the simple statement, 'you are worthress Arec Barrwin'".

Current TV - the Emmy-winning multi-media website was given to Rupert Murdoch in the hopes that doing so would "decrease self-indulgent leftist navel-gazing while increasing the variety and availability of purely prurient bikini-oil-wrestling-oriented viewing material."

The Internet - "Despite the inarguable fact that it was invented by Mr. Gore, it is perfectly clear that he voluntarily surrendered all rights to it in 2004 when he referred to bloggers as 'digital brownshirts'. Common interpretation of Godwin's Law clearly indicates that the first person to make a Hitler reference during an argument automatically loses. In this case, the usage was so gratuitous that the loss must include the entirety of the global system of computerized communications. It is hereby remanded to the possession of right-wing cyberpundits until such time as they forfeit it back to Mr. Gore by referring to Tipper as 'Goebbels' for her role in establishing the PMRC's Parental Advisory stickers."

Al Gore's beard - "returned to its rightful owner, Jonathan Frakes."

The Al & Tipper "Big Kiss" - awarded to Britney, Madonna, and Christina. "It's only right to take this nauseating publicity stunt and give it into the care of an infinitely hotter nauseating publicity stunt."

During the Court's next session, they are widely expected to take away Gore's current status as "global warming spokesman" and give it to SpongeBob SquarePants for being "more credible with America's youth, and having a comparatively less retarded-sounding voice."

Rating: 2.3/5 (21 votes cast)

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October 12, 2007
More Hate Crimes At Columbia University
Posted by Harvey at 01:06 PM

NEW YORK (AP) - Just days after a noose was hung on the door of a black professor, Columbia University was shocked by another vicious hate crime - a tea bag hung on the door of an American History professor.

Tea - beverage of hate.

Dr. Eric Foner, author of such books as "America: Better Than YOUR Stinking Third-World Country" and "England Sucks Ass: The Secret Cause of the American Revolution", was appalled to discover the tea bag stapled to his office door.

"Every knows," Dr. Foner said, "that tea - and England totally sucking ass - was the primary cause of the American Revolutionary war. Those inbred lime-lickers used it for years to oppress the American people. To hang a smelly, drippy leaf-sack on an American's door like that... the ultimate symbol of the cruel British boot-heel that tried to stomp the life out of our young nation... it's like racism, except a million times worse because it's happening to white people."

Local police said that their hate crimes unit had mounted a full investigation, including testing the tea bag for traces of poor oral hygiene which might prove a British connection.

Columbia students rallied in support of the victimized professor on Thursday, chanting slogans such as "No taxation without representation!" and "Hey! Hey! Earl Grey! Drinking tea will make you gay!"

A small group of counterprotesters stood at the edge of the commons during the rally, diffidently sipping Darjeeling whilst maintaining a stiff upper lip and pretending that soccer was actually a sport instead of a trivial field exercise for the insufficiently aggressive offspring of pampered suburbanites. They quickly dispersed after a group of men dressed as Indians threatend to throw them into a nearby harbor.

Rating: 2.8/5 (15 votes cast)

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October 11, 2007
Bush Responds to Carter Accusations of Torture
Posted by Harvey at 01:00 PM

WASHINGTON (AP) - Responding to former President Carter's accusation that he "knows" that the President used torture on detainees, President Bush responded by saying "Well, DUH!".

"M'kay, kids, you shouldn't torture, m'kay, torture is bad."

"Of COURSE there was torture," said Bush, "and not the cute little consensual nipple-clamp games that Jimmy & Rosalynn like to play, either. We're talking flaying, booting, Iron Maidens, the rack, eyeball-plucking, impaling, industrial plastic shredders, the WORKS!"

Showing unusal candor, the current President described the previously undisclosed information-gathering techniques. "There was this one guy, I think he was named Mohammed - heh, ain't they all? - who was all 'my faith in Allah will protect me'. Turns out he got pretty yappy by the time toe number seven came off. Not that he could even hear himself scream by that point, since the ears came off before the toes. Made a necklace with the leftovers."

"Of course," Bush continued, "that was strictly for gleaning intelligence. You wouldn't believe the stuff that was done 'just for fun'. Beatings, cuttings, rape, disfigurements, acid-splashing, car batteries... made Quentin Tarantino's wildest movie fantasies look like a romp through Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood of Make-Believe. Pretty wicked stuff. I've always thought Carter had a weak stomach, that's probably why he's so offended."

"But even though it seems a little late to be making protests now," Bush conceded, "I still have to give the man credit for condemning President Hussein's horrific activities. Better late than never."

Rating: 2.0/5 (22 votes cast)

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October 08, 2007
Edwards Offers Final Solution to Problem of Inner City Youth Violence
Posted by Harvey at 01:00 PM

WASHINGTON (AP) - During a recent MTV/MySpace forum, presidential hopeful John Edwards outlined his plan to solve inner city violence, which apparently consists of filling every prison in America with black youths, and then having the rest of the male African-American population summarily executed.

John Edwards begins construction of an army of killer robots that will "sterilize the imperfection" of the Negro race.

"We start," said Edwards, "with the president of the United States saying to America, 'we cannot build enough prisons to solve this problem.' And the idea that we can keep incarcerating and keep incarcerating — pretty soon we’re not going to have a young African-American male population in America. They’re all going to be in prison or dead. One of the two."

During the ensuing hush, wherein the only audible noise was that of gently whirring camera motors, the former Senator clarified his comments. "I don't think there's a silver bullet for this," Edwards explained, "but with enough lead bullets - 9mm jacketed hollow-points spring to mind - I think a lot of the inner-city violence in this country can be eliminated. Or at least the perpetrators can, and that's a darn good start."

When one audience member pointed out that this was tantamount to genocide, Edwards stared off into space a moment, glassy-eyed, before giggling girlishly and returning his attention to the audience.

"Being a former trial lawyer, I'm familiar with the importance of correctly defining terms," explained Edwards. "'Genocide' is the deliberate and systematic destruction of an ethnic, religious or national group. Although I do plan to start with an African-American genocide, my complete plans for this nation will eventually include the brutal slaughter of everyone who does not possess perfect hair. Obviously no nappy-headed ho's need apply for survival on this one, which is why I'm starting with the blacks."

"Right now, there are two Americas," Edwards continued gleefully, " the America with perfect hair, and the scalpularly-challenged America. I believe the world will be better off when there's only one America. A perfect-haired America. An America whose population is... me. That's why everyone else must die."

"If you thought the Barackalypse was something," concluded Edwards, "wait until you see Johnageddon."

[Hat tip: Teresa of Technicalities]

Rating: 1.9/5 (15 votes cast)

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October 03, 2007
Randi Rhodes Accuses Senator Reid of Being a "Phony Democrat"
Posted by Harvey at 12:01 PM

NEW YORK (AP) - After Senator Harry Reid publicly criticized radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh of "spew[ing] hate and impugn[ing] the integrity of our troops" for calling phony soldier Jesse MacBeth a "phony soldier", Air America radio talk show hostess Randi Rhodes called Reid a "phony Democrat".

Rhodes tells phony "White Wizard" Saruman that Rohan is the Uruk-hai's Vietnam.

"What the hell is Reid doing, sticking up for those murdering, baby-rapist, cold-blooded killers that Bushitler has rampaging through Iraq?" an incredulous Rhodes asked. "How DARE he imply that it's ok for non-rethuglicans to say even a single word in favor of the miscreant mercenaries fighting Chimpy McLiar's illegal, unilateral war for oil!"

"Reid is a phony Democrat, and he certainly isn't representative of MY Democratic party," continued the near-ratingsless radio personality, adjusting her drool cup and hockey helmet. "MY Democrats are opposed to the racism, hatred, killing and violence that happens to innocent brown people who deliberately target women and children. All we want is for the world to come together in peace and understanding, except for Army officers who should all be fragged by their troops."

Senator Reid's office responded to the questioning of his lib street cred with the following press release:

"Wasn't he Ozzy's guitarist? I thought he was dead."

Rating: 2.3/5 (15 votes cast)

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September 24, 2007
Bush Calls Sick Kids "America's Greatest Asset"
Posted by Harvey at 01:27 PM

WASHINGTON (AP) - Responding to accusations that he was a heartless monster for threatening to veto a Democrat-sponsored expansion of a federal children's health insurance program, the President said that "sick kids come in really handy for a lot of things, and I don't want to diminish one of America's greatest assets."

Hillary mines for "sick kid gold" at a children's hospital campaign stop"

The president explained that for the average American, sick children are a blessing. "I mean, who HASN'T taken a day off from work by calling in and saying they won't be in because 'Bobby's got the flu' or 'Susie just projectile-vomited on the cat'? If it weren't for childhood ilnesses, people would have to work 365 days a year. THAT'S what Democrats want. A nation of overworked slaves!"

"Well, I won't have it!" Bush stated fiercely. "Hard-working Americans deserve a little me-time once in a while, and if it takes sick kids to make that happen, then by God, I'll make darn sure that this country maintains a ready stock of coughing, wheezing, stuffy-nosed little crumb-crunchers!"

After a moment's reflection, the president added, "I don't know why Democrats are so eager to have America's children healthy, anyway. Bright-eyed, bushy-tailed kids don't win elections. I mean, it's all well and good to get your picture taken with a smiling, healthy child - they're cute little buggers and all - but if you get a grin out of some moppet in a hospital bed, then BAM! Front page news, and an extra million dollars in the campaign coffers!"

"Besides," added Bush, "isn't it a slap in the face to the Sickly-American community to say that there's something wrong with their choice of lifestyle?"

Rating: 2.6/5 (20 votes cast)

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September 19, 2007
Thompson Avoiding "Dumb Questions" From Blacks
Posted by Harvey at 12:00 PM

WASHINGTON (AP) - After being accused of racism for skipping a televised debate at a historically black college in Baltimore later this month, presidential candidate Fred Thompson explained that it was due to a combination of scheduling conflicts and the fact that "black people ask REALLY dumb questions."

Fred Thompson barely containing his disgust at being queried by "those darn Negroes".

"Every time I see a black hand go up at a college forum," said Thompson, "I just cringe because I know the guy's gonna ask something incredibly ignorant."

"For example," he continued, "I was at Alcorn State a couple weeks ago, and this colored fella pipes up with something like 'yo, man, mah ho' cain't gets no wefare, wazzup wit dat?'. Now, I ain't got the first clue of what this idiot's babbling about with all that yo-ing and ho-ing. I thought Talk Like a Pirate Day wasn't until September 19th?".

"And if it isn't dumb-ass questions, it's crap about why I don't have more black people on my campaign staff. Well, I tell ya, if I could find a black guy that would actually show up to work without a malt liquor in one hand and a crack pipe in the other, I'd hire him in heart beat."

"And before you go criticizing me for saying that," pre-empted Thompson, "let me make it clear that I'm NOT prejudiced. I wouldn't hire a black WOMAN, either. Damn annoying harpies with that wobbly neck-waggling thing they do when they say 'oh no you di-int!' and always whining about 'dey baby daddy'... I'm a busy man. Got a campaign to run. Ain't got time for mumbly, fatuous, minority bellyaching."

"Besides," concluded Thompson, "if I were going to learn a foreign language, it sure as hell wouldn't be Ebonics. It'd be something useful, like how to say 'kneel before Fred Thompson!' in Arabic."

Rating: 2.2/5 (25 votes cast)

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September 17, 2007
Doddering Economist Finally Puts Two and Two Together
Posted by Harvey at 12:00 PM

WASHINGTON (AP) - More than 4 years after the American-led invasion of Iraq, 81-year-old economist Alan Greenspan has published his memoirs, which contain the observation, "the Iraq war is largely about oil". This has led leading Republican politicians to respond overwhelmingly with "Well, DUH!"

"War for oil! Who are you? It's cold in here! Someone stole my pants!"

"I can't believe it's taken the senile, wrinkle-lipped, Durante-nosed idiot this long to figure it out," said presidential hopeful Fred Thompson. "I mean, I know economists aren't that bright - Economics is the degree you go for after you flunk out of Accounting school, after all - but there are bronze-medal-winning Special Olympians who figured out this bit of 'breaking news' before the first blast of Shock and Awe scorched the skyline of Baghdad."

When asked for his take on the topic, retired Bush confidant Donald Rumsfeld stopped flaying a hippie long enough to offer his opinion. "[expletive] idiot! Did he think we went in there to scoop up a bunch of [expletive] sand to prop up the [expletive] kitty litter industry? If we weren't so [expletive] worried about keeping the oil supply safe, we'd have nuked those [lengthy and viciously unflattering series of expletives] Arabs into glowing glass & ashes back in '91!".

"Now," he concluded, removing a large strip of skin from the hippie's back, "get the hell away from me before I gouge out your eyes and [unsavory physical act of corpse desecration]!"

Although expected by Democrats to react as though some embarrassing secret had been let out, President Bush seemed puzzled as to why this bit of information was considered news. "Of COURSE this war is all about oil! Specifically, keeping the French, Chinese, and Russians from buying it on the black market from a brutal regime which they were supposed to be boycotting."

"That," the president said congenially, "is probably what the feeble-minded, greasy-headed old mummy probably meant. He probably just forgot about that bit of history. Lord knows the Democrats & war protesters have."

Rating: 2.1/5 (15 votes cast)

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September 10, 2007
Edwards's Bold New Plan: Fight Terrorism With Gossip!
Posted by Harvey at 12:37 PM

NEW YORK (Reuters) - Last Friday, presidential candidate John Edwards proposed a new international organization that would fight terror by talking about it a whole lot.

"Well *I* heard that not only can't Osama hold a job, he's hung like an acorn, too."

According to Edwards, the Gossip and International Tale Mongerer Organization (GITMO) would "allow members to voluntarily share financial, police, customs and immigration intelligence. Together, nations will be able to track the way terrorists travel, communicate, recruit, train and finance their operations".

"Everyone knows that endlessly bitching about something," said Edwards, "beats the hell out of actually taking concrete action. The ladies know what I'm talking about."

Edwards said his brilliant idea came to him after reflecting on his own life. "It occurred to me," mused the Democratic candidate, "that nothing has hurt my feelings more than finding out that people said mean things about me behind my back. When that happens, I'm WAY too busy curled up in a corner crying to place roadside bombs or fly planes into buildings. There's absolutely no reason to believe that GITMO wouldn't have the same exact effect on terrorists."

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi embraced the plan with great enthusiasm. "As a backbiting old hen of several decades, I can assure you that there is no greater weapon of mass destruction than a juicy rumor when spread by prattling, long-nosed magpies. Even the most powerful man on Earth can be utterly destroyed with a little defamatory scuttlebutting. Like when the Democrats started telling everyone that Bush lied about Iraq, which was an impeachable offense for which he... ok, well, that wasn't a good example, but you get the idea."

President Bush was dismissively unimpressed with Edwards's plan. "We already have a GITMO for combatting terrorism, and unless Silky Pony's crack-headed notion includes big-piped toilets for flushing Korans, it's going to be about as useful as a bucket of warm spit - except without the bucket - just like every other idea that queefing little pansy's ever had."

Rating: 2.6/5 (16 votes cast)

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September 05, 2007
President Bush Visits Iraq to Protest War
Posted by Harvey at 12:09 PM

BAGHDAD, Iraq (Reuters) - In a surprise move, President George W. Bush made an unannounced trip to Iraq on Monday in order to spread his message of "peace in the Middle East NOW!".

"Give peace a chance or we'll shoot your sorry asses"

"I decided to take a page from those filthy hippies I see all over D.C.," said Bush, "marching around, undermining homefront morale, and generally stinkin' up the place. I thought 'if these sponge-brained mudpuppies really want the war to end, they should probably stop squatting where the bullets aren't flying and start talking to the screwball Koran-thumpers that are doin' the shooting'. Figured I'd start with the man in the mirror, and so here I am."

Wearing an Alanis Morissette wig and festooned with various peacenik paraphrenalia, the President marched amiably through various Baghdad neighborhoods, speaking of peace, love, and the hopelessness of the Islamist cause. He also carried a variety of signs during the day, which bore demoralizing slogans such as "War is unhealthy for children and other living things like stupid terrorists", "If you keep fighting, you'll be dead and America will STILL steal your oil", and "While you're out here fighting, your Imam is home nailing your wife".

Although locals were displeased with Bush's crude, tasteless, and unpleasantly patchouli-drenched display, they did - in an uncharacteristic display of civility - allow him to conduct his protest unmolested.

"While I certainly don't care for either his message or his aroma," said one local Al Qaeda member, "there's not much I can do about it. After all we DO have freedom of speech in Iraq. Or 160,000 well-armed American troops, which is pretty much the same thing."

When asked whether Bush's antics would dissuade him from further belligerence, the insurgent responded, "Absolutely not! I have a deep-seated belief in Allah, unshakable faith in the rightness of Jihad, and nothing will steer me away from my goal of earning my 72 virgins!".

"Except maybe a set of Girls Gone Wild DVD's. Hint, hint."

Rating: 2.3/5 (16 votes cast)

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August 30, 2007
Dog Quizzing Ring Broken Up
Posted by Frank J. at 01:12 PM
Two dogs preparing to be pitted against each other.
I thought you should hear it from me before you hear it the news. Yesterday, the police came to my house to break up a dog quizzing ring I've been running, alleging I've been cruelly pitting dogs against each other in categories such as math, science, history, and pop culture. They confiscated my Trivial Pursuit cards and said they could take my dog Rowdi away if I ask her any question more academic than, "Who's a good girl?"

Yes, I do run dog quizzing rings, but I don't think I should have to apologize for that. Animal rights people say its cruel since dogs aren't very good at academics and tend to get laughed at a lot in these competitions -- especially since we make them wear mortarboards -- which they say can hurt canine self-esteem. I say these competitions are great for dogs; it used to be that dogs could get by just herding sheep or scaring away trespassers, but today's jobs such as leading the blind and searching for explosives takes education. That's what these quizzing rings do: They prepare today's dogs for the jobs of tomorrow. Also, it's so cute when they hit the buzzer with their paws and bark an answer.

Now, I guess I can see why some people might look upon this as abhorrent, but you have to understand that it's a cultural thing. Putting silly hats on dogs and asking them quiz questions is just something white people do. The whiter we are, the more likely we are to do it. It's not that I don't love my dog; it's just I love her more when she excels academically.

Rating: 2.5/5 (22 votes cast)

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Bush Declares "We'll Help Iran Get Nuclear Weapons"
Posted by Harvey at 12:06 PM

WASHINGTON (AP) - In a concilliatory statement, President Bush recognized Iran's right to pursue the development of atomic weapons, and promised that the US would be supportive of their efforts.

"Every nation," said the President, "whether a freedom-loving democracy or a dictatorial, Allah-worshipping hellhole, has the right to develop atomic weapons. It is my intent to see that Iran's President Ahmadinejad gets those weapons."

Free nuclear weapons for Iran (some re-assembly required)

"Specifically," Bush clarified, "in the form of a dozen 10-megaton mushroom clouds, which those psychotic Muslim bastards may attempt to reverse-engineer to their hearts' content. Assuming their hearts haven't been vaporized by the intial blast or melted into organic goo by the radioactive fallout."

Addressing criticisms that the US would be acting unilaterally, Mr. Bush explained that the support of Iran's nuclear program would be an international effort. "Israel, for example, has been itching to do some above-ground testing of their fissionables. I've invited them to join in the fun with us. I just hope Ahmedinejad doesn't mind getting a few Jewclear weapons dropped on his front porch."

In a Tehran news conference, Iran's President scoffed at the threat of military action against his regime, saying that "even if they were to decide to do so, they would be unable to carry it out."

Bush responded calmly to the defiance. "I suppose Amedinejad - or 'Amy' as I like to call him - is right. Americans certainly don't seem to have the cojones for a decent war these days. That's why I intend to start with diplomatic pressure. Specifically, economic sanctions. More specifically, a declaration of economic sanctions duct-taped to a 10-megaton warhead."

A still-defiant 'Amy' then mocked America's lack of determination in Iraq. "The political power of the occupiers is collapsing rapidly," he said. "Soon, we will see a huge power vacuum in the region. Of course, we are prepared to fill the gap."

A completely unimpressed Bush replied, "Not if we fill the gap with high-energy neutrons first."

Rating: 2.2/5 (20 votes cast)

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August 29, 2007
Math and Reading SAT Scores Drop, Democrats Rejoice
Posted by Harvey at 12:00 PM

WASHINGTON (AP) - Average scores on the reading and math sections of the SAT test declined slightly this year, indicating that America's teenagers are dumber than ever. This news was greeted by jubilation from Democrats across the country.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi explained her party's barely-suppressed giddiness. "The fact is, Democrats have nothing to offer the average intelligent, self-sufficient person. All we can do is take advantage of drooling idiots who want to put their lives in the hands of the Nanny State. Our only shot at political power is the votes of people who are too dumb to think for themselves. This time, it's the jackpot. Think for themselves? Hell, these pierced & tatted Avril wanna-be's can barely think at all!"

Ms. Pelosi took time out to dance a merry jig of happiness before continuing. "If current stupidity trends continue - and, like global warming, there's no reason to think this trend could be just a minor statistical blip based on bad data - the US will be solid blue, ocean to ocean, by 2015, which my mathematical skills tell me is an election year. The only obstacle currently standing in our way is the fact that the word 'vote' is longer and more difficult than 'cat' or 'dog'."

However, some people objected to being called "mega-tard-tastic" just because of piss-poor standardized test scores. Miss Teen USA contestant Lauren Upton (Miss South Carolina) explained her point of view:

Afterwards, Ms. Pelosi danced another jig.

Rating: 2.6/5 (19 votes cast)

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August 27, 2007
Obama Vows to Rebuild "Chocolate City"
Posted by Harvey at 01:02 PM

NEW ORLEANS (AP) - In a speech Sunday, Presidential candidate Barack Obama promised to make re-building New Orleans his top priority, saying that he would restore the promise of America's "Chocolate City".

Obama stands in front ofa scale model of the Chocolate Waterfall that will become a centerpiece of the new New Orleans.

"It's been two years since Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans," said Obama, "and President Bush has done nothing to restore this city to its former glory. I will change all that. In order to cut through the red tape of re-building, I will eliminate the cumbersome bidding process and instead award the construction contracts to whichever company finds the lucky 'Golden Tickets' hidden under the wrappers of Chocolate City Candy Bars."

"To further speed up the process," continued Obama, "we will eliminate all requirements for expensive union labor. Instead, my plan calls for the importation of the entire Oopma Loompa tribe. These small but energetic workers will get the job done in half the time of worthless Teamsters or lazy Mexicans."

"Finally, Lake Pontchartrain will be filled with delicious, creamy cocoa, while the levees will be re-inforced with millions of Snickers Bars," said Obama, drooling slightly with hunger. "I believe this will give America the Chocolate City of its dreams. A city where delicious sweets - whether red, yellow, brown, blue, or orange - will be able to live together in harmony, regardless of the color of their candy shell."

Rating: 2.9/5 (17 votes cast)

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August 24, 2007
Arizona School Suspends Student for Drawing "A Really Crappy Gun".
Posted by Harvey at 01:34 PM

MESA, Arizona (AP) - Officials at an Arizona school suspended a 13-year-old boy for sketching what looked like a gun, saying it was quite possibly the worst thing ever created by human hands.

Could the recent flooding in the Midwest be caused by angels looking at this picture and crying?

Payne Junior High Principal Karen Martin said the boy deserved to be suspended for his talentless artwork. "Worst drawing I've ever seen. My 3-year-old does better than that with fingerpaints, and he's a retarded epileptic."

"When I first saw that picture," said Martin, I thought, 'What the hell IS that? A 5-eyed mutant with a moustache? An elephant that got caught in a hydraulic press? A cubist zeppelin?'."

"When another student told me it was a gun, my response was, 'Yeah... a really CRAPPY gun!'. At this point I decided to suspend the talentless little twerp, since there was no point in wasting more public funds on someone who has no future beyond maybe drawing pathetic stick figures on the internet or something."

School District spokesman Terry Locke said that - although the crude sketch wasn't actually a threat according to the school's zero-tolerance policy where "possession or threatening use of any weapon, real or simulated, is strictly prohibited" - the inherant artlessness of the image "constituted a violent threat to the aesthetic sensibilities of the student body. This garbage makes Ted Rall look like freakin' Rembrandt."

The boy's mother, Paula Mosteller, supported the school's decision. "At first I was angry that they seemed to be singling my son out for no good reason. Then I got a look at that abomination he created. YEESH! I mean, is the trigger guard wearing a necklace? Why are there shark's teeth at the end of the barrel? It's got all the accuracy and realism of a Michael Moore documentary."

"I'm so ashamed that he's my son," Paula concluded sadly. "I should've had my tubes tied 14 years ago and spared the world the misery of this drawing's existence."

Rating: 2.8/5 (20 votes cast)

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August 22, 2007
Obama Vows to Ease Cuban Embargo
Posted by Harvey at 01:38 PM

MIAMI (AP) - Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama criticized President Bush's Cuba policy, and promised to roll back the extra travel and financial restrictions added by Bush.

In 2004, Bush changed US law so that Cubans in the U.S. can only visit the island once every three years and can only send quarterly remittances of up to $300 per household to immediate family members. Previously, they could visit once a year and send up to $3,000.

Obama said he would rescind those policies, and hinted that other changes might follow.

Obama demonstrates how he will crush Castro's windpipe.

"I want to make it easier for Cuban-Americans to visit their loved ones," said Obama. "In fact, I want to make it easier for ALL Americans to visit Cuba. When I am elected President, my first act will be full legalization of travel to Cuba. Starting with 100,000 heavily armed American troops."

"Let's face it," Obama said, "it's just downright embarrassing to have a commie dictatorship 90 miles from our border. JFK totally screwed the pooch on the Bay of Pigs invasion in '61, and it's WAY past high time we put a band-aid on that bloody nose and went back in, swinging like Mike Tyson & ready to eat some ears. Or at the very least, spraying napalm like Smaug doing a spit-take."

"Now, I have a firm 'no nukes' policy," clarified Obama, "but I never said anything about chemical or biological weapons. There's a time and a place for mustard gas, and if Cuba ain't it, I don't know what is."

"Once Cuba is a cratered ruin and the Gulf of Mexico flows red with the blood of degenerate Commie swine," Obama concluded, "there would be no further need for Bush's failed embargo policy."

Rating: 2.4/5 (16 votes cast)

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August 20, 2007
John Edwards Contines to Fight War on Poverty
Posted by Harvey at 04:58 PM

WASHINGTON (AP) - Reacting to Barack Obama's tougher stance in the War On Terror, presidential candidate John Edwards has declared that, if elected to the nation's highest office, he will launch a new offensive in the War on Poverty. Specifically, he vows to target people who have defaulted on their high risk mortgages.

"You better pay up, or Vito over here will be breaking your kneecaps."

"There is a greater terror than insurgents with roadside bombs," said Edwards, "and that's low-lifes who don't make their mortgage payments on time. If elected president, I will fight against those who betray the trust of the subprime lenders by hitting them where they live - literally - and foreclosing on their houses."

"Unlike naive and inexperience candidates who talk tough on fighting foreign wars, yet have never left Iowa, or Indiana, or Idaho, or whatever stupid 'I' state they come from *cough*Senator Obama*cough*, I have significant experience fighting this particular war. I've made almost half a million dollars working for a company that specialized on getting deadbeats out of houses and back on the streets where they belong. I don't just TALK tough on poverty, I knock the shiftless bastards around, too."

However, some critics question his credibility on this issue. The company doing the foreclosing (Green Tree Servicing) was only a small subsidiary of the company Edwards worked for (Fortress Investment Group), implying that Edwards's involvement in the actual foreclosure process was merely indirect at best.

Edwards challenged that assertion.

"I don't like to brag, but I personally dragged a 67-year-old Katrina victim out of her house by the hair, flung her down into the mud, kicked her a few times & told her to start paying her damn bills on time before we had to get REALLY rough with her," said Edwards with an air of great accomplishment. "That 'I was in a hurricane' crap may get sympathy on the evening news, but I've got a hair stylist to pay. I want my damn money. I can't buy haircuts with excuses."

Not to be outdone, Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton outlined her own "War on Poverty" agenda over the weekend. "When I'm elected President," said Clinton, "I plan to organize a new Cabinet-level 'Department of Collections' which will draw from some of the most prominent members of the Italian-American Legitimate Businessmen's community. They will 'help' those who might have 'accidents' if they don't pay their creditors by the end of the week. America's poor have some nice families, and it would be a shame if anything were to 'happen' to them."

[Hat tip to IMAO reader Cathy for that first link]

Rating: 2.4/5 (18 votes cast)

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August 17, 2007
Petraeus Says He Will Propose Cutting Troops
Posted by Harvey at 02:17 PM

BAGHDAD (AP) - The top American commander in Iraq said Wednesday he was preparing recommendations on cutting troops before he returns to Washington next month for a report to Congress.

"The fact is," said Gen. David Petraeus, "there are simply too many troops in Iraq right now, and I have no choice but to recommend massive reductions in personnel. We simply have to be realistic."

"Look at all the troops there," he said, "Iranians, Al Qaeda, local Shiite insurgent groups, and even some disgruntled Baathists. These bastards have to go, and soon."

Gen. Patraeus, moments before knifing an Al Qaeda propaganda operative

"My plan is to reduce the foreign troop levels by shooting them, bombing them, or - if need be - even cutting the troops like a drunken Mexican with a razor blade. Truth be told, it doesn't matter HOW we take these suicidal Allah-worshipping sons of bitches out, but doing so will be my top recommendation to the President."

When asked whether American troop levels will be cut, Petraeus responded by punching the enquiring reporter smack in the eye and then administering several vicious spleen-kicks to the journalist as he lay on the ground, screaming.

After letting loose with a torrent of language that would make Howard Stern blush like a Catholic schoolgirl, the General elaborated further on his views.

"You blasphemously ignorant suck-weasel! We've spent the last four and a half years sweating, bleeding, and dying in Iraq to keep ungrateful, traitorous malcontents like you safe from terrorists, and you've got the unmitigated gall to suggest that we cut and run instead of killing more of the enemy? Just exactly how far up your ass IS your head, anyway?"

"You don't win wars by running away," explained Petraeus, "you win them by making your enemy dead. Dead! Dead! Dead!"

"Hell, even a semi-hydroencephalitic Liberal Arts major like yourself should be able to figure THAT one out."

After the mangled wreck of the reporter was carted off to an emergency room, the General concluded by clarifying his remarks.

"So... no."

Rating: 2.9/5 (21 votes cast)

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August 16, 2007
Bush Spends Weekend "Messin' With Froggy's Head"
Posted by Harvey at 04:57 PM

KENNEBUNKPORT, Maine (Reuters) - President Bush appeared invigorated after inviting the recently-elected French President Nicolas Sarkozy to his Kennebunkport vacation home where he spent the weekend playing spiteful practical jokes on and cruelly taunting France's leader as revenge for French political activities during the run-up to the Iraq War.

"Well, that swishy little girl Chirac never had the guts to face me in person, so I figured I could get a little payback outta Sarkozy," said President Bush. "I sweet-talked him into coming up to my house and just started messin' with Froggy's head."

Bush suckers France's naive president with a joy buzzer.

"First thing I did was hand him a hamburger, waited until he bit the edge, then told him, 'Whoa, there, Pierre! That's not how we eat a burger in America! Ya take the top bun off, then start lickin' the meat.' Would you believe that idiot actually started DOING it? I'm totally putting that one up on YouTube!"

Bush then took a verbal swipe at the visiting dignitary. "Just like eatin' an Oreo, ain't it? You DO have Oreos in France, right? Oh... wait... the only black & white things you have over there are the burnt out shells of cars after Muslim riots".

Sarkozy, embarrassed, said nothing.

Bush continued to goad. "Come on Sarky, it's not THAT bad. At least you smelly grape-stompers still got your national health care, right? Say... does that include air-conditioners now, or are you guys planning on roasting a few thousand more old people this year?"

After nightfall, Bush stopped the verbal barbs in favor of some old reliable frat-house pranks. "It was sorta like those 'Messin With Sasquatch' commercials," said Bush, "except hairier and smellier."

"In one night," bragged the President, "I pulled the shaving cream in the hand trick, dipped his other hand in warm water, and woke him up with a bag of flaming dog poo."

"I ain't had this much fun since I tricked Putin into wearing a dress," grinned Bush. "That picture's EVERYWHERE now."

"It was a great time," concluded the President. "I may have lost Blair as my poodle, but now I've definitely made Sarkozy my bitch."

Rating: 2.2/5 (18 votes cast)

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August 13, 2007
Error Discovered in Global Warming Data
Posted by Frank J. at 12:01 PM

Scientists have announced they found another error in their data in support of global warming, having now just realized that they weren't actually recording temperatures for the past century but instead were looking at wind speed. "D'oh," explained one climatologist. Still, scientists assure the public that they remain a 110% certain that we will all die in floods and tornadoes if we don't switch our incandescent bulbs with compact florescent ones.

Scientists also want to remind the public that they are much smarter than the average man and anyone who questions them is a heretic.

Rating: 2.3/5 (13 votes cast)

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August 03, 2007
BREAKING NEWS: YearlyKos Broken Up By Feds
Posted by Frank J. at 02:07 PM

YearlyKos has been raided by the feds and its ringleader, Markos Zuniga, has been arrested for treason. Details are sketchy, but apparently no one has been hurt, though 142 traitors have been executed on the spot.

President Bush has issued this statement: "I cannot tolerate dissent, no matter how mind-numbingly retarded it is. By the way, I'm now dictator for life and I will give a shiny new donkey to whomever delivers me the head of Hillary Clinton."

So far, there has been no outcry against this action -- at least by anyone who wasn't later arrested as a traitor. IMAO would like to remind its readers that it fully supports and never questions our wise government. All hail Leader Bush!

Rating: 2.3/5 (12 votes cast)

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August 02, 2007
Obama: "Kill 'Em All!"
Posted by Harvey at 11:28 AM

WASHINGTON (AP) - In a shocking reversal of his previous anti-war rhetoric, presidential candidate Barack Obama told his audience at the Woodrow Wilson International Center for Scholars that his revised foreign policy will be to kill all terrorists, regardless of where they're located.

"That one in the spotlight, he don't look right to me. Get him up against the wall!"

"It was weird," said Obama, "I was just standing there shaving this morning, when it hit me like a Supreme Court Justice's seizure - Holy crap! Terrorists are trying to kill us! Suddenly I understood what I fool I've been for so long. Well, no more. No more diplomacy, no more chit-chat, no more Edwardsfooting around. From now on, all I can say is 'kill 'em all & let Allah sort 'em out'"!

"Why are we playing little 'pretend co-operation games' with terrorist safe-havens like Pakistan, Iran, and Saudi Arabia," said the Senator, his eyes blazing with genocidal fire, "when we've got 30,000 nukes just itching to turn these homicidal maniacs into radioactive shadows on rubble?"

"If elected," he continued, "I will finish the job that President Bush so timidly started. We won't give the terrorists the opportunity to strike at us, because I will transform their nations into barren, lifeless wastelands before they can say 'Allah Akbar!"

"The President of the United States has the authority AND the responsibility to protect this nation," cried Obama, his voice rising with passionate determination. "There is only one means at our disposal that will fulfill this mandate. I will rain fire and death upon our enemies! None who oppose us shall survive! All shall perish in the cleansing atomic holocaust of flame! The seas will boil! The skies will be filled with Islamic blood! The time of judgment is nigh! All hail the coming Barackalypse!"

At the conclusion of his bold statements, a pin was heard hitting the floor in the back of the room before cheers suddenly erupted from the assembled multitude, as from a single, powerful throat.

One attendee - who would only identify himself by the obviously false name of "Frank J." - remarked, "Wow! And I thought *I* was a lunatic for suggesting that we nuke the moon to consolidate the world's fear of the United States! This Barack guy is a stone-cold Armageddon FREAK! I love it!"

"Screw Fred Thompson," said Mr. 'J', "Obama's got MY vote!"

Rating: 2.8/5 (23 votes cast)

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August 01, 2007
Sending 19,000 Additional UN Troops to Dafur "Best Idea Ever"
Posted by Harvey at 04:57 PM

In a stroke of strategic brilliance, the UN has authorized the deployment of 19,000 new peacekeeping troops to the troubled Darfur region of Western Sudan, nearly quadrupling the current multinational force of 7,000 already on station.

Ban Ki-moon about to receive an "unprecedented-military-genius-five" from an admiring supporter.

"The decision to send additional armed forces into a war-torn area" said UN Secretary General Ban Ki-moon, "is a move that's utterly unprecedented in the history of modern warfare. Only a sophisticated military genius such as myself could have thought of it."

French UN Ambassador Jean-Marc de la Sablière hailed it as "the best idea ever for putting a stop to civil unrest", saying that "it's too bad nobody else ever considered a similar option, because - even though I'm not a gambling man - I'd gladly bet my bloated government stipend that this decision is a sure winner."

Britain's Ambassador, Sir Emyr Jones Parry, was in complete awe of the plan. "it's almost as though the troops will be 'surging' into the area," noted Parry enthusiastically, "shooting the bad guys and protecting the innocent. You'd have to be either ignorant, dishonest, or some sort of subversive traitor to pretend this isn't the intelligent way to go."

Although completely unconnected to the decision, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi called a press conference to lavish praise on this startlingly original plan.

"I'm not usually in favor of anything even remotely war-like," said Pelosi," but... DAMN!... how can you NOT love this? Freakin' BRILLIANT!"

"It's a crying shame," she concluded glumly, "that none of America's war strategists were imaginative enough to dream up something like this. We could've actually had a shot at winning this war. Pity our only way out now is to cut our losses, slink home, and lick our wounds."

Rating: 2.2/5 (14 votes cast)

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July 27, 2007
Democrat Calls Republicans``Jihadists``, Muslims Offended
Posted by Harvey at 05:02 PM

WASHINGTON (AP) - During remarks about how Republicans may cause a government shutdown by sustaining President Bush's vetoes of Democrat-sponsored spending bills, John W. Olver, (D-Mass.), chairman of the House Transportation-HUD Appropriations Subcommittee, referred to Republicans as "Jihadists". Muslim groups responded with outrage at the comparison.

Muslims thrilled at having something new to bitch about.

"Jihadists are noble warriors in a just cause, "said CAIR spokesman Ibrahim Hooper, "while Republicans are nothing but money-grubbing, Jew-loving kafirs! Well, maybe not Jew-loving, since no on ACTUALLY loves the Jews, but they're unquestionably Jew-likers, and that's bad enough."

"When Allah's faithful seek to fund a war," Hooper continued, "they don't snivel over 'spending bills'. They just hit up their oil-rich neighbors for some greenbacks. If the Republicans were true Jihadists, they'd be getting money from Saudi Arabia or Halliburton."

Republicans were also quick to take umbrage at the name-calling.

"I can't believe," said Republican House Minority Leader John Boehner, "that jackass Olver had the gall to compare us to murderous thugs who kill people with explosive vests. We're Republicans, for crying out loud! We'd use guns."

Responding to the controversy, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi issued a rare public apology of behalf of the Democratic Party.

"I regret that Congressman Olver's remarks may have been misinterpreted. The Democratic Party has nothing but admiration and respect for ALL races, creeds, and explosive preferences. We mean no insult to the loving and peaceful religion of Islam or its courageous and holy soldiers."

"After all," she continued, "we're both on the same side in this war. We're both committed to the goal of removing American troops from Iraq as soon as possible. No sense in bickering over a little thing like whether 'dead' or 'alive' would be preferable."

"Now that I've offered this humble apology on behalf of the Democratic Party," concluded Pelosi, "I hope the brave and honorable Muslim warriors of the world will seriously consider killing us last."

Rating: 2.3/5 (21 votes cast)

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July 25, 2007
Soccer Celebrations Provoke Insurgent Attacks in Iraq
Posted by Harvey at 05:02 PM

BAGHDAD (AP) - Two suicide car bombings struck soccer fans in Baghdad as they were celebrating Iraq's victory in the Asian Cup semifinal on Wednesday, killing at least 50 people and wounding more than 100, officials said. Insurgents say they will keep up the attacks until soccer fans agree to withdraw from Iraq.

Iraqi soccer players succumb to drowsiness during a recent inaction-packed game.

Insurgent leader Abu Hamza al-Muhajir explained, "soccer is strictly forbidden by the Koran, which clearly says 'kick not the ball of roundness, for it is an affront to Allah, and boring as hell to boot.'"

"Even if it were not strictly forbidden," al-Muhajir continued, "the game is very un-Muslim, as it involves neither beheadings nor mutilation. Hockey would be a much more fitting sport, if the Koran didn't also forbid ice."

Also cited as an issue is the composition of Iraq's soccer team, which contains Kurds, Sunnis, and Shias, all working together in harmony. "Where is the hating? Where is the killing?" asked al-Muhajir incredulously. "Iraqi children watch this game! They are being infected by its subversive message of tolerance. This 'sport' is unclean, like pigs and Jews, and those who follow its games must be eliminated for the glory of Allah."

Congressional Democrats held a similar view. "The fans of Iraqi soccer should withdraw immediately," said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. "Iraq's team will eventually lose, causing their disappointed followers to wail 'just wait until next year' like a bunch of pathetic Cubs fans. I'd hate to see anyone condemned to such a horrible fate."

President Bush, however, remained steadfast in his support for Iraqi soccer fans. "Even though I think that the most exciting part of soccer is watching the grass grow under the players' feet, the American people applaud the courageous Iraqis who can manage to stay awake and even feign interest in what is, after all, a little girl's game."

Rating: 2.3/5 (14 votes cast)

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July 16, 2007
New Jersey Petition Proposes Toy Cigar Ban for Politicians
Posted by Harvey at 06:50 PM

TRENTON (AP) - After a New Jersey senator proposed a bill making it illegal to give or sell a toy gun to a minor, New Jersey citizens began circulating a petition to ban the ownership of realistic-looking toy cigars by politicians.

"The margin between a politician's stupid mistake and a tragic ending is far too thin," said Scott Bach, who's spearheading the petition drive, "only 22 votes in the Senate, as I recall."

Just too darn dangerous for politicians!

Bach started the petition in late June and hopes to pressure the New Jersey legislature to pass a law this fall. He said the movement stems from an incident in Washington, D.C., where a highly-placed elected federal official was impeached after playing "hide the Cohiba" with an intern.

"A politician once used a real cigar to precipitate a constitutional crisis that very nearly brought this country to its knees - the part that wasn't already in that position, I mean," said Bach.

"We need to stress to our politicians that cigars are not sex toys, but an adult recreational indulgence which should always be enjoyed with extreme caution and handled without lascivious intent," Bach said. "Restricting access to imitation cigars will help drive that point home."

Adultery rights advocates in the legislature plan to fight.

"It misses the mark because it demonizes toys instead of criminal behavior," said Senator Nicholas Scutari, who serves as chairman of the New Jersey Association of Dirty Old Elected Men (DO 'EM).

If the measure is enacted, New Jersey would join several other states that have restricted access to realistic toy cigars for politicians.

New York, for instance, got Wal-Mart in 2003 to stop selling toy cigars not imprinted with the words "for external use only". The retailer has also agreed to stop selling toy cigars in skin-toned colors such as black, tan, and peach and paid $200,000 in civil penalties.

Bach's proposal would make it illegal to sell or give to any elected official an imitation cigar, which is defined as anything "reasonably capable of diddling a chubby intern."

Bach said the move would help police and independent counsels figure out whether a cigar is either fake or real, but Scutari said it would be an intrusion upon cheap plastic novelty retailers and consenting adults.

"This bill seeks to intimidate retailers of even crappy carnival consolation prize-like items rather than to address the bad acts of politicians who use imitation cigars in furtherance of sexual adventure," Scutari said. "An intern who gives a politician a toy cigar would be guilty under this legislation."

"Sometimes a toy cigar," said Scutari, "is just a toy cigar, even if it DOES make a great marital aid."

Rating: 2.3/5 (16 votes cast)

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July 13, 2007
President Killed Non-Violently; Wished Into Cornfield
Posted by Harvey at 05:04 PM

DALLAS (AP) - In a keynote speech at the International Women's Peace Conference, Nobel Peace Prize recipient Betty Williams told the crowd of 1000 people, "Right now, I could kill George Bush...[applause]... No, I don't mean that. How could you nonviolently kill somebody? I would love to be able to do that."

President Bush, shortly after being non-violently killed by peace activist.

Through some unknown means - possibly a combination of vigorous applause and fairy dust - Williams's wish was apparently granted, as the President died through non-violent means shortly afterwards. Specifically, by being turned into some sort of spring-loaded children's toy.

When informed of this, Williams appeared embarrassed and quickly wished the late president into a cornfield near Peaksville, Ohio. The audience appeared to approve of her decision, as many of them were heard to say "It's GOOD that Betty killed the president", "Yes, it's a REAL good thing that Betty did", and "Oh GOD! Please don't kill us, Betty!"

Ms. Williams appeared to recover rapidly, though, testing out her newfound powers by non-Constitutionally impeaching Vice President Dick Cheney. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi was immediately sworn in as president, with her hand, non-believably, failing to burst into flame when she placed it on the Bible to take her oath of office.

Visibly drunk with power, Williams proceeded to non-thievingly rob a bank, non-fatteningly eat 3000 Twinkies, and non-sexual-relationally 'Lewinsky' Bill Clinton.

She concluded her speech by saying "now that I've fulfilled my every wish on Earth, I will non-rocketly fly to the moon," which she did to a standing ovation from the delighted crowd.

The moon itself was, non-surprisingly, nuked shortly afterwards by blogging tycoon Frank J. of IMAO, who had been non-sanely threatening to do so for some time.

Rating: 1.9/5 (17 votes cast)

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July 06, 2007
Bush Responds to Al Qaeda Video with "OO! I'm So Scared!" Video
Posted by Harvey at 05:04 PM

WASHINGTON (AP) - In response to the video from Al-Qaeda's #2 - Ayman al-Zawahri - calling on Muslims to unite in Jihad, President Bush today released a video of himself pretending to be frightened by the threat.

Bush begins the video by standing in front of the desk in the Oval Office, saying, "Oh no! I've angered the crazy Muslims and now they're going to jihad me!" in a voice almost Shatneresque in its degree of melodramatic overacting.

"Help me! I'm terrified! BWAHAHAHAHA!"

"OO!" continues the President, making cartoonish nail-biting gestures, "I'm SO scared! Whatever shall I do?"

Bush then dashes around the room, flapping his arms like a little girl or John Edwards, while trying and ultimately rejecting various hiding places, such as under the desk and behind the curtains. In one scene, he retrieves a hand towel from the Executive Washroom, places it over his head and declares "Please don't hurt me! I'll be a good girl and wear my burka!" in a high-pitched voice.

"Look at me! I'm a Muslim now! I've got a hostage!" the President continues, chasing his dog Barney around the room with a letter opener while making exaggerated stabbing motions and shouting "Allah Snakbar!" "Hollah Hacksaw!", "Cheese-a Crakar!", and "Walla Walla Washington!"

Bush then flops into his office chair, giggling hysterically.

"Please don't threaten me anymore! The terror is just too terrifying!" he says between snorts of laughter. The President then does a Macaulay Culkin "Home Alone" imitation, screaming "AAAAAAAAH!" while holding his hands to his face before falling to the floor, guffawing helplessly, as the camera fades to black.

The video ends with Bush saying over the black screen "Oh man, I think I wet myself... better have Mitt Romney come in and hose me off," which trails off into more laughter as the clip finishes.

Rating: 1.9/5 (12 votes cast)

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July 05, 2007
BREAKING NEWS: Scooter Libby Has Gone on a Perjury Spree
Posted by Frank J. at 11:29 AM

It has been confirmed that Lewis "Scooter" Libby, freed from the threat of prison by President Bush, has broken probation and gone on a perjury spree, lying to prosecutors in multiple states and obstructing their investigations of high-profile non-crimes.

"I was in the middle of investigating whether a local man had murdered the mysterious bigfoot," said Oregon prosecutor Fitz Messenger, "then Lewis Libby came by on his little scooter and said the state capital is Portland. That's simply not true."

"I was looking into whether a family had imprisoned Prince Albert in a can," said Illinois prosecutor Les Spurgeon, "and there zipped by Lewis on his Razor scooter shouting, 'Nickel melts at only three hundred degrees Fahrenheit.' I looked that up on Wikipedia and it ain't so."

Numerous prosecutors across the country have reported similar stories. Democrats say this only confirms their worst fears. "We warned you!" said Senator Harry Reid in a statement to the press, "By getting that madman out of prison, President Bush has doomed this entire country. Dooomed! DOOOOOOMED!! He needs to get our troops out of Iraq and Afghanistan and have them focus on capturing Scooter Libby."

President Bush looked visibly shaken in his impromptu press conference. "I only commuted Scooter Libby's prison sentence so he wouldn't tell anyone how I murdered that hooker, but now I realize I have destroyed our republic through my selfishness. Then again, none of this would have happened if you let me give amnesty to all the Mexicans."

The last contact from Lewis Libby was a taunting letter sent to the police stating, "You had your chance; now you'll never catch me! If you want to try, though, I'll be at the base of Olympus Mons on Mars." Astronomers are currently looking for Libby on the red planet, but some think that may be another lie.

Rating: 2.3/5 (20 votes cast)

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June 29, 2007
Iran Rations Islamic Rage
Posted by Harvey at 12:39 PM

TEHRAN (Reuters) - Angry Iranians torched pump stations and hurled abuse at President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's government after the world's fourth-largest exporter of religious fury announced that it was imposing rage rationing.

19 gas stations were set ablaze overnight in Tehran after the government announcement late on Tuesday that rage rationing would start at midnight.

"We are swimming in religious indignation, and all they do is squander it fighting against Americans in Iraq," said taxi driver Hasan Mohammadi. "I'm using the last drop of my rage just thinking about it!"

Iranians squander precious rage for this Reuters photo-op.

Despite huge reserves of anger and acrimony, Iran lacks refining capacity and must import about 40 percent of its rage, most of which currently comes from threats of UN sanctions over it's nuclear program.

Some Iranians scuffled wastefully or even completely blew their few remaining tops, hoping to refuel before rationing began. Others frittered away their fury by chanting anti-government slogans and openly criticizing Ahmadinejad, who came to power two years ago. Ironically, on a promise to share out Iran's wealth of anger more fairly.

"Last night, in addition to setting fire to and stealing property of 19 fuel stations in Tehran, people threw stones and damaged others," said Bijan Haj Mohammadreza, head of the Iranian Fury Ministry. "What a waste. We should be using our precious remaining supplies of rage to chant 'Death to America' while burning flags."

Under the rationing program, citizens will get to pitch 100 fits per month; less, if they also burn with jihad's unquenchable flame. Rationing will be enforced by having all citizens swipe their electronic "conniption" cards through a state-approved scanner before releasing violent emotions.

During Tuesday's thriftlessly extravagant riots, windows in one gas station in the poverty-strickent Pounak section of Tehran were smashed, six pumps wrecked, and walls blackened. State radio blamed "lavish misuse of valuable wrath by traitors and lovers of infidels". Police could not be reached for comment.

Judge Ali Namazi said 80 people were detained in Tehran and transferred to jail.

"These people have wasted their anger on foolishness. Still, I try not to let it upset me, since I need to save the rest of my rage ration for hating Jews."

Rating: 3.0/5 (31 votes cast)

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June 28, 2007
Democratic Candidates Beg Coulter for Abuse
Posted by Harvey at 05:13 PM

Washington (AP) - After John Edwards successfully transformed Ann Coulter's desire to see him killed by terrorists into a fund-raising bonanza, other Democratic candidates have begun vying for a spot on the conservative columnist's hit list.

"I don't understand why Ann hasn't taken a shot at me, yet," said former New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson, "I'm Hispanic for cryin' out loud! Everyone hates Mexicans right now! I'm such an easy target - Fish. Barrel. Bang!"

"So far, "Richardson continued, "I've gotten Carlos Mencia to call me a 'stupid beaner', but that's not exactly paying the bills. If I could only push Ann into calling me a 'dirty spic' or something, I might actually be a viable candidate."

"Hurt us, Ann, hurt us!"

Ohio Representative Dennis Kucinich was equally frustrated, though less hopeful of receiving a caustic Coulter quote.

"I'm really upset about this," said Kucinich, "This is exactly the sort of inflammatory ad hominem attack that my Fairness Doctrine bill is designed to address. If this became law, then right-wing attack dogs like Ms. Coulter would be required to cast her bilious - yet lucrative - aspersions on all candidates equally."

"Sadly, though," lamented Kucinich, "I don't hold out much hope for a dose of her venom. I mean, how do you insult a straight, white guy? Maybe if I'm lucky, she'll call me 'an elf in a bad toupee".

Illinois Senator Barack Obama, however, was quite optimistic about his chances of laughing all the way to the bank courtesy of one of Coulter's uncomfortable-silence inducing "jokes".

"Honestly," said Obama, "how long do you think it'll be before that Nazi ankle-biter drops an n-bomb on me? KA-CHING!"

"But even if she doesn't go that far, I'm fairly confident I'll score at least a 'spear chucker' or 'jungle bunny' before the year is out. That woman's never been one to shy away from calling a spade a spade, if you know what I mean," chuckled Obama.

Frontrunner Hillary Clinton was abrupt and dismissive on matters Coulter.

"With the combined revenue from my books, Bill's books, and the occasional cattle futures investment, I really don't need her help," Clinton said.

"Besides," she added, "if I wanted to hear from a blond bitch, I'd just talk to the mirror."

Rating: 2.7/5 (30 votes cast)

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June 26, 2007
Michael Moore Demands Government Funded Cheeseburgers
Posted by Frank J. at 11:08 AM
Controversial documentary filmmaker Michael Moore has found a new cause: Demanding the government pay for cheeseburgers. He argues that cheeseburgers are a right that no one should be denied access to. "CHEESEBURGERS!!!" he added, and then rifled through a dumpster behind a McDonald's.

Moore plans on making a new film showing numerous horror stories from people denied access to cheeseburgers. He hopes the movie will move people to demand universal cheeseburger coverage from their government. "CHEESEBURGERS!!!" Moore stated while violently shaking a reporter.

Though filming hasn't even begun, the new project has already garnered criticism. Conservative pundit and noted cheeseburger connoisseur Jonah Goldberg has attacked the idea of the government paying for cheeseburgers, saying, "There's no such thing as a free cheeseburger. Universal cheeseburger coverage will require a huge increase in taxes. Also, with so many people demanding their 'free' cheeseburgers, the government will be forced to ration them and put people on cheeseburger waiting lists. Personally, I'd gladly pay for a cheeseburger today rather than wait for a free one on Tuesday."

Moore's supporters are claiming that the Bush Administration is trying to shut down this movie, pointing to an altercation Moore recently had with police. Yesterday, the police were called on Michael Moore after he ran up to a drive-thru window and shouted, "CHEESEBURGERS!!!" frightening the Taco Bell employees inside. Moore then violently tried to claw his way through the tiny window until officers shot him with an elephant tranquilizer gun. "CHEESE... burg... ers...," was his reported final statement before collapsing to the ground and being dragged away by a backhoe.

Rating: 2.9/5 (33 votes cast)

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June 20, 2007
IAEA Head: Shooting His Rabid Dog Would Be "Madness"
Posted by Harvey at 02:08 PM

VIENNA (AP) The head of the International Atomic Energy Agency cautioned on Thursday that shooting his rabid pet dog, Mahmoud, over his refusal to stop biting his leg would be "an act of madness," in indirect warnings to animal control agents.

IAEA chief Mohamed ElBaradei also said Mahmoud would likely soon begin chewing close to his femoral artery - the puncturing of which medical experts described as the point of no return in the start of ElBaradei's bleeding to death.

"I only want this leg for peaceful purposes."

However, the head of the IAEA was reluctant to dismiss hopes of a diplomatic solution.

ElBaradei spoke during an emergency meeting of concerned paramedics and local animal shelter workers a gathering that focused on Mahmoud's refusal to heed ElBaradei's demands that Mahmoud should freeze activities that could serve to transmit the rabies virus or possibly cause the IAEA chief to exsanguinate.

Earlier, Mahmoud's savage snarls asserted that he would never suspend the enthusiastic gnawing of El Baradei's extremities the key issue of paramedic concern, while animal control insisted Mahmoud had no choice but to do so, in comments reflecting the increasingly tense stalemate over the issue.

Even while calling for a negotiated solution, animal control workers which Mahmoud had snapped at several times between bites of his ElBaradei's calf have refused to dismiss outright the possibility that they might "just shoot the damn dog" if he refused to back down on limb-shredding and other areas of concern.

But ElBaradei described any use of force as "an act of madness ... (that) would not resolve the issue."

"The next few minutes will be crucial to these negotiations," he said, adding: "although Mahmoud appears to be insane and quite eager to take my life, I believe that we should also consider the possibility that this is merely a peaceful display of affection."

ElBaradei then passed out in a pool of his own blood, while Mahmoud lunged for his jugular. Digusted animal control workers quickly blew Mahmoud's head off, putting an end to the crisis.

Animal rights organizations were quick to condemn the action, suggesting that a UN resolution declaring Mahmoud a "bad dog" would have been just as effective.

Rating: 2.3/5 (29 votes cast)

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June 18, 2007
Ron Paul Proposes That America Hide Under Giant Rock
Posted by Frank J. at 01:08 PM

GOP Presidential candidate Ron Paul spoke earlier today of the need for a stricter isolationist policy. "America needs to stop interfering with other countries. In fact, we need to stop interacting with any foreign nation. As long as America has made eye contact with any foreigner, we can hardly blame them to attack us on our own soil. Still, even if we were to finally cease all contact with other countries, the mere existence of America is provocative and could cause us to be invaded or attacked. Thus, I propose the most time-tested method of disengagement: Hiding under a rock. For complete security, America must hide its very existence. Of course, there is no rock on earth large enough for America to hide under, so, when I am President, I will fund the building of a Star Trek type tractor beam to pull the moon towards us and crash into America. I project half the country will be killed -- and they shall be mourned -- but the other half will finally be safe living under the giant rock that is the moon." Ron Paul concluded his speech by wearing his pants on his head while dancing a merry jig to the applause of the three supporters and eight mannequins in attendance.

A recent Gallup poll found that 100% (+/- 0%) are against crashing the moon into America, but online polling has approval of Ron Paul's plan at 64%.

Rating: 2.7/5 (26 votes cast)

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June 15, 2007
America's 2007 Corn Crop a "Failure", Top Democrats Tell Bush
Posted by Harvey at 08:59 AM

WASHINGTON (AP) - Top US congressional Democrats bluntly told President George W. Bush Wednesday that American farmers' spring planting "surge" policy was a failure.

Senate Majority leader Harry Reid and House of Representatives Speaker Nancy Pelosi challenged the president over this year's corn crop by sending him a letter, ahead of a White House meeting later on Wednesday.

"As many had forseen [sic], the springtime planting of seed corn has failed to produce the intended results," the two leaders wrote.

"The increase in seeds in the ground has yet to produce a single edible ear of corn so far this year.

"This corn is a dismal failure. It's time to pull it out."

"Far from fulfilling its promise of putting steaming, buttery ears on every table, this crazy planting scheme has done nothing so far but cost this country's farmers most of last year's profits, as well as causing them to spend all their time coddling these high-maintenance vegetables.

"Clearing the land, plowing, weeding, fertilizing, irrigating, spreading pesticides and herbicides - not to mention the over 1000 farmers that have lost their lives in unnecessary tractor deaths so far this year - when will the madness end?

"And what do we have to show for it? It's already mid-June and not a single plant has borne fruit. In fact, if these trends continue, it's safe to predict a nation-wide corn famine that will bring this country to its knees."

The letter appeared to preview a fresh showdown over how to raise corn between ignorantly citified Democrats and the President, just a few weeks after Bush forced his foes to strip pre-autumn harvest timelines from a Department of Agriculture budget bill.

Pelosi and Reid told Bush in the letter that they planned to send him new legislation to "limit the attempted growth of corn in the US, begin the phased redeployment of US farmland, and bring the growing season to a responsible end."

The next critical point in the showdown between Bush and Congress over the 2007 corn crop is expected in September, when US Secretary of Agriculture Mike Johanns is due to report on progress in the strategy to let the corn grow until at least October before attempting to harvest it.

However, one senior Republican speaking on condition of anonymity said he expected the president will have little choice but to make adjustments in the harvest schedule, once the report is made public.

"I know Bush means well," he said, "but let's be realistic. Since the spring planting 'surge' began, not one single corn farmer has grown anything but leaves."

"I can't see how another four or five months of continuing to follow this failed policy will lead to anything but more of the same," he concluded.

Rating: 3.0/5 (36 votes cast)

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June 14, 2007
Fred Thompson "On Board" With Edwards' "Marshall Corps"
Posted by Harvey at 08:36 AM

RICHMOND (AP) - In response to John Edwards' plan to "create a 'Marshall Corps' modelled on the military Reserves, of up to 10,000 expert professionals who will help stabilize weak societies," presidential candidate-in-waiting Fred Thompson released a statement saying that he's "on board" with Edwards' vision.

Excited by the possibilities of the program, former Senator Thompson said that he'd like see the concept taken to the next level as soon as possible. The full statement was posted at the politician-turned-actor-turning-politician's blog, as follows:

"'Expanded' Marshall Corp volunteers reach out to at-risk Muslims"

"I am completely on board with John Edwards' 'Marshall Corps' idea of sending bankers, political scientists, and civil engineers into unstable countries to prevent terrorism from taking root. However, I don't think it goes far enough. It should be open to members of ALL civilian occupations, not just a few."

"Here's how I picture it - after joining, the courageous volunteers would shave their heads, spend a few months receiving combat & weapons training, then be deployed to unstable countries to reach out to those who are at risk of seduction by violent extremism. For maximum effectiveness, this reaching out should be done mostly with bullets, grenades, rockets, and other high-velocity/high-explosive projectiles."

"I would call this expanded version of Edwards' 'Marshall Corps' the 'Massively Armed Response to Islamic Nutjob Extremists' or 'MARINE' Corps."

"If this program proved successful - which I have no doubt that it would - it could be augmented with:

    * An off-shore outreach program: Nautical Assaults from Vengeful Yankees

    * A complementary land-based group: Annihilating Radical Muslims - Yippee!

    * And even a 'friendly skies' organization: Attacking Islamic Radicals by Firing Ordnance and Repeatedly Causing Extermination"

"I can guarantee that if these programs are implemented as I've discussed, the Western ideals of peace, democracy, and civilization will be joyously embraced throughout the world."

"And if they aren't... well, then let's just say there's plenty more outreach where that came from."

Rating: 3.0/5 (37 votes cast)

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June 09, 2007
Obama Warns of "Quiet Riot" Among Blacks
Posted by Harvey at 09:32 AM

HAMPTON, Va. (AP) -- Democratic presidential hopeful Barack Obama said Tuesday that the Bush administration has done nothing to defuse a "Quiet Riot" among blacks that threatens to erupt just as riots in Los Angeles did 15 years ago.

The first-term Illinois senator said that with black people from New Orleans and the Gulf Coast still displaced 20 months after Hurricane Katrina, frustration and resentments are building explosively as they did before the 1992 riots, prompting Obama to give the following fiery speech:

"Those 'Quiet Riots' that take place every day are born from the same place as the destruction in New Orleans. We look around that once-fair city and see the rusted-out hulks of cars everywhere. The 'Metal Health' of New Orleans is in a sorry state. We are tempted to abandon you, New Orleans, yet we 'Don't Wanna Let You Go'."

"We love that city, but thanks to Bush's neglect, we've discovered that 'Love's a Bitch'. We are left 'Breathless' with sorrow, anger, and frustration at the unfairness of it all. Bush does nothing but drive through in his 'Slick Black Cadillac' for a cheap political photo-op with the downtrodden residents. People with no jobs, no homes, and nothing to comfort them except maybe a cheap bottle of 'Thunderbird'. People who had to 'Run for Cover' when Katrina made the city a 'Danger Zone'. And Bush did nothing for us. He ignored us because we remained silent."

"But no more! We must scream and shout and pound out our anger so that the very earth itself trembles, and we can say to Bush all the way in Washington, 'Cum On Feel the Noize'! We must rise up as one and become a veritable 'Battle Axe' of protest! The time for calm discussion has passed. Let's get our message out by any means necessary! 'Let's Get Crazy'!"

"This is your last chance, President Bush. We'd prefer peaceable means, but if we have to 'Bang Your Head', we will."

[NOTE: explanatory linkage for the 80's-impaired]

Rating: 2.2/5 (20 votes cast)

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June 08, 2007
Clinton: Marriage Saved by Faith, Power Lust
Posted by Harvey at 09:19 AM

WASHINGTON (AP) - In a rare public discussion of her husband's infidelity, Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Rodham Clinton said Monday that she probably could not have gotten through her marital troubles without relying on her faith in God and her insatiable lust for power.

Clinton stood by her decision to stay in the marriage in the aftermath of former President Clinton's admission that he had an affair, as she considered it God's will as well as a path to becoming the most powerful woman on earth.

"I am very grateful that I had a grounding in faith that gave me the courage and the strength to do what I thought was right, regardless of what the world thought," Clinton said during a forum where the three leading Democratic presidential candidates talked about faith and values. "And as president, my position of unquestioned authority will allow me to continue ignoring the world's opinion. I can't wait!" she gloated.

"I'm not sure I would have gotten through it without my faith," she said in response to a question about how she dealt with the infidelity. "The fact that it locked in the 'cuckolded wives vote' didn't hurt, either," she chuckled darkly.

"Hillary finds your lack of faith disturbing."

Clinton said she's "been tested in ways that are both publicly known and those that are not so well known or not known at all." She said it's those times when her personal faith, the prayers of others, and knowing enough political dirt to make Congress her bitch have sustained her.

"At those moments in time when you are tested, it is absolutely essential that you be grounded in your faith," she said. "It also helps to be willing to throw anyone under the bus if it'll get you one step closer to having your hand on the Bible in January of 2009."

Also during the forum, moderator Soledad O'Brien asked candidate John Edwards to name the biggest sin he ever committed, and he won the audience's applause when he said he would have a hard time naming only one thing.

"As a former personal injury lawyer, I've borne more false witness than a semi full of OJ trial transcripts. I'm totally going to hell," Edwards said.

"Still," he mused, "unlike Hillary, there are SOME things I won't do in my quest for the Presidency. Like that time Hillary shot a campaign-worker as an example to the others. It's vicious ruthlessness like that - and religious faith - that's making her the Democratic front-runner for 2008."

Edwards also said he doesn't feel his belief in evolution is inconsistent with his belief in Christ and he doesn't personally feel gays should be married, although as president he wouldn't impose his belief system on the rest of the country.

"I have a deep and abiding love for my Lord, Jesus Christ," Edwards said, "but I don't have Hillary's despotic thirst for total domination. I only wish I had her raw, Stalinesque passion for forcing people to cower before her iron-fisted authoritarianism."

Presidential hopeful Barack Obama said he believes that the terrorist attacks on Sept. 11, 2001, were the result of evil. But he said that the United States' treatment of prisoners at Abu Ghraib and Guantanamo Bay is unjust.

"The danger of using good verses evil in the context of war is that it may lead us to be not as critical as we should about our own actions," Obama said to applause. "So basically I'm a pants-wetting Nancy-boy who can't even give murdering terrorists the level of condemnation that Jesus gave the moneychangers."

"My faith," continued Obama, "is weaker than a tubercular kitten, as is my determination to become President. It's a job for which I obviously lack the stones. Now Hillary, on the other hand... she TOTALLY wears her ovaries on the outside, if you know what I mean."

"Big BRASS ovaries," Obama said enviously, "and strong religious faith."

Clinton acknowledged that talking about her religious beliefs doesn't come naturally to her.

"I take my faith very seriously and very personally," she said, "but not as personally as disloyalty or failing to avert your gaze when I enter a room."

"And I come from a tradition that is perhaps a little too suspicious of people who wear their faith on their sleeves," Clinton continued, the flames of hell dancing merrily in her eyes, "but the future slave-citizens of the United States of Hillary better damn well wear their unquestioning obedience on their sleeves."

"There will be," Clinton said, "plenty of walls, blindfolds, and last cigarettes for those who don't."

"For that," she added, "I thank God every day."

Rating: 3.0/5 (17 votes cast)

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June 07, 2007
Bush Says "Russia Ain't Got the Balls To Attack Europe"
Posted by Harvey at 10:13 AM

HEILIGENDAMM, Germany (AP) After a torrent of sharp exchanges, President Bush continued his diplomatic efforts with Vladimir Putin on Wednesday by saying Russia "ain't got the balls to attack Europe", despite a threat to aim missiles at the West.

"Russia is not going to attack Europe," the president said, brushing off Putin's warning that he would reposition Russian rockets in retaliation for an American-devised missile shield to be based in Poland and the Czech Republic. "That feeble collection of bushy-browed vodka-swillers doesn't have the sack for a fight."

"Russia is not an enemy," Bush emphasized, "at least not one of any consequence or manhood.

"There needs to be no military response because we're not at war with Russia," Bush added. "Besides, it'd be like smacking around a Girl Scout troop."

"Vladimir Putin puts on his war face."

A day before meeting privately with Putin here, Bush appeared eager to put an end to the bickering over everything from criticism about Russia's backslide on democracy to Putin's complaints about U.S.-backed independence for Kosovo and a supposed new arms race triggered by Washington.

"There will be disagreements, probably every month or so when the girls in Moscow are ridin' the red pony" the president said, relaxing in the sun during an interview with a handful of reporters before the annual summit of major industrialized countries. "That's just the way life works. But that doesn't necessarily mean that I won't personally bitch-slap that nutless Cossack Putin if he keeps mouthin' off."

Asked if he expected a tense session with Putin, Bush said, "Could be I don't think so, though. I'll work to see that it's not a tense meeting. Maybe I'll give that little sissy some dolls to play with. That should keep Susie-Pu hushed up."

The Russians projected a similar air, albeit one awash in the estrogen of their femininity.

Putin spokesman Dmitri Peskov said open hostility is "part of a constructive relationship", promising "uncomfortable consequences" if the shield is deployed, and adding "we give ourselves the right to expect our partners to listen to our concerns."

Bush, tieless and with his shirt sleeves rolled up, rolled his eyes impatiently. "Sounds like Ball-less Boris has been watching too much Lifetime," he said dismissively. "Maybe those pansy hermaphrodites should stop by Poland and borrow a cup of testosterone."

In the interview, Bush offered his case for why Russia should not worry about a U.S. missile shield in Europe.

"Russia has got an inventory that could overpower any missile defense system," he said, "if they could shuck off their ballet tights long enough to push the launch button."

"The practicality is that this is aimed at a country like Iran," Bush explained, "since if they ended up with a nuclear weapon they might actually have the cojones to use it."

Told that Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad had said it was too late to stop Iran's nuclear program, Bush responded: "Well, the guy's got stones, but not a lot of smarts. Paper beats rock, and a nuclear weapon beats a nuclear program. Guess Einsteinejad can't do the math."

A day after accusing Russia of backsliding on by putting major news media under state control, stripping governors of their independence and cracking down on nongovernment civic groups, Bush took pains to emphasize the positive.

"Society has advanced a long way from the old Soviet era," he said. "There is a growing middle class, there is prosperity, there's elections."

"Sadly, though," Bush concluded, "there's also fewer testicles than Lance Armstrong."

Rating: 2.7/5 (17 votes cast)

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May 31, 2007
WHO Urges Terrorist Ban At Work
Posted by Harvey at 02:03 PM

GENEVA (Reuters) - Following the World Health Organization's recent call for a world-wide ban on public smoking, the WHO now also wants a global ban on terrorists at work and in enclosed public places.

The United Nations agency said a ban would help limit non-terrorists' exposure to high explosives, which - though not nearly as dangerous as the heart disease and respiratory illnesses caused by second-hand smoke - can still cause injury through concussive organ damage and blood loss from high-velocity shrapnel penetration.

"The evidence is clear, there is no safe level of exposure to ball-bearings propelled by C4," said WHO Director-General Margaret Chan in a statement ahead of World No Terrorists Day which will be observed on Thursday, May 31st for the first time.

"Many countries have already taken action. Iran, for example, makes people go all to way to Iraq before allowing them to blow themselves up. I urge all countries that have not yet done so to take this immediate and important step to protect the health of their citizens," she said.

"This ban violates my Detonative Human Rights!"

 A number of EU countries, including France, Spain, Ireland and Portugal are among those to have introduced such bans. Islamic residents in these countries, however, consider these bans to be unfair, if not downright racist. "It's my body" said one protester, "I should be able to scatter its parts anywhere I want. So what if a few Jews or Infidels get in the way? At least I'm not blowing cigarette smoke at them."

The Geneva-based agency said its recommendation was based on three studies on terrorists, two in the United States and one by the International Agency for Research on Persons of Explosion.

"By July 1, 240 million people worldwide will be protected by terrorist-free legislation," said Wayne Kao of the International Union Against Frustrated Muslim Men Compensating for Puny and Inadequately Functioning Genitalia, which supports a terrorist-free world.

"Unfortunately, that number is less than 4 percent of the world population," Kao told a news conference, "Well... actually more like zero percent, since murder is already illegal and passing another law ain't gonna do jack."

The WHO said some 200,000 civilians die each year due to exposure to terrorist explosive devices at work, while around 700 million children - around half the world's total - breathe air polluted by flying ball-bearings, poison-coated fishhooks, and other bomb vest enhancing materials, particularly while minding their own business in shops or restaurants.

The agency says that Islam is the leading cause of preventable deaths worldwide. The number of murderous Mohammedeans is rising rapidly in developing countries.

Armando Peruga, head of WHO's Terrorist-Free Initiative, told reporters, "remove the pollutant -- terrorists -- by implementing 100 percent splodey-dope-free environments. Stern looks and designated exploding areas do not reduce exposure to a safe level of risk. It's time to use to awesome power of legislation! NOTHING can stand against its fearsome might!"

Member countries of an international treaty against terrorism, the 2003 WHO-backed Framework Convention on Crazy Muslim Control, are due to discuss guidelines on exposure to second-hand shrapnel at a meeting in Bangkok starting on June 30.

Rating: 2.2/5 (23 votes cast)

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May 18, 2007
MPAA Adds Islam As Film-Rating Factor
Posted by Harvey at 09:35 AM

(AP) Following the Motion Picture Association of America's recent decision to take a more negative view of tobacco use in movies, the MPAA today announced that depictions of practicing Islam will also come under greater scrutiny. However, some critics said the move does not go far enough to discourage teens from taking up the degenerate religion.

MPAA Chairman Dan Glickman said his group's ratings board, which previously had considered kids wearing bomb belts in assigning film ratings, now will take into account Koran-waving and other Muslim kookiness by adults, as well.

That adds Islamic rituals to a list of such factors as sex, violence and language in determining the MPAA's G, PG, PG-13, R and NC-17 ratings.

Film raters will consider the pervasiveness of jihadist propaganda, whether it glamorizes terrorism, and the context in which the Islamic behavior appears, as in movies set before 9/11, when Islam was marginally less despicable.

Some critics of Hollywood's depictions of Muslim insanity in films have urged that movies that show any aspect of Islam be assigned an R rating, which would restrict those younger than 17 from seeing them.

"I'm glad it's finally an issue they're taking up, but what they're proposing does not go far enough and is not going to make a difference," said Tori Titus, spokeswoman for Americans Against Dhimmitude, which opposes film images of Islam that might encourage young people to start worshipping a psychotic, bloodthirsty, Mood-God.

Glickman disagreed, saying a mandatory R rating for Islam would not "further the specific goal of providing information to parents on this issue."

"Although," he added, "it might be nice to discourage film-makers from actively kissing the enemy's ass."

Islam in movies with a G, PG or PG-13 rating has been on the decline, and the "percentage of films that included even a fleeting glimpse of Imam-approved methods of slaughtering innocents declined from 60 percent to 52 percent between July 2004 and July 2006," Glickman said.

Of those films, "three-fourths received an R rating for other reasons", he said, "since it's almost impossible to depict a Muslim without also showing him happily murdering children in Allah's name."

"That means there's not a great amount of films in the unrestricted category as it stands," said Joan Graves, who heads the ratings board. "We're not saying we're ignoring the issue. We're trying the best way possible according to what we've learned from parents to give them information about what's in a film."

"In short," she summarized, "if it contains Islam, it's boring, stupid, and evil. Don't waste your money."

Descriptions on sex, violence and language that accompany movie ratings now will include such phrases as "glamorized Islam" or "filthy, murdering terrorists robotically obeying their pedophile prophet," Glickman said.

If rated today, a film such as 2005's "V for Vendetta," which features a homosexual fawning over a Koran, would have carried a "politically correct pandering to Muslims" tag but probably would have retained its PG rating because it takes place in an idyllic future where Islam has been wiped from the face of the earth, Graves said.

Titus said film raters should be as tough on Islam as they are on bad language to minimize the effects of on-screen Koran-babble on children, including her own 5-year-old daughter.

"I don't want her using bad language, but last time I checked, she's probably not going to die from that," Titus said. "If Islam becomes acceptable because of these images she sees in movies, chances are she's probably going to die early from that. Mostly likely from being stoned to death in a soccer stadium for not wearing a burka."

While Titus' group wants tougher ratings restrictions, the MPAA is not without its supporters.

"By placing this sick, twisted, maladaptive 'religion' on a par with considerations of violence and sex, the rating board has acknowledged the public-health dangers to children associated with glamorized images of a toxic and lethal belief in Islam," Barry Bloom, dean of the Harvard School of Public Health, said in a statement.

Rating: 2.3/5 (19 votes cast)

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April 11, 2007
Army Introduces New Body Armor Design
Posted by Harvey at 12:49 PM

new body armor.jpg

Michelle Malkin has more.

Rating: 2.7/5 (20 votes cast)

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January 20, 2007
California Legislature Spanking Ban
Posted by Harvey at 12:19 PM

Democratic California Assemblywoman Sally Lieber has vowed to introduce legislation this week banning the spanking of elected officials.

"Currently we face the ridiculous situation of having our law condone justifiable beating of legislators," said Lieber. "Sure, I love a good spanking as much as the next consenting adult, but only if it involves a leather riding crop and a safety word. But using phyical violence to punish legislators for passing stupid laws? That's just WRONG!".

Governor Schwarzenegger seemed to agree, citing the corrective effects of both scheduled and recall elections. "We can discipline our legislators without hitting," he said.

Under current law, any legislator that proposes, votes for, or passes any legislation in violation of either the Constitution or common sense can have "the stupid beat out of his ass" with an 18 by 6 inch wooden paddle.

Lieber disagrees with the policy.

"Most people know you should not hit legislators, and legislators do not know right from wrong," she said. "Legislators you have to distract, remove, supervise, protect... preferrably with a shiny stack of unmarked bills."

Others, however, think Lieber is full of crap.

"The day that the [government] votes in its own legislators, then they have a right to raise them," wrote one constituent named Esther. "Till then, they are mine to do with as I please. I will raise them the way I see fit. If I think that those little butts need a swat... I will be the one to give it to them."

Meanwhile, Republican Assemblywoman Audra Strickland has promised to counter Lieber's bill with one of her own, which calls for a larger variety of corrective measures for wayward legislators. New options would include attending "wise-up classes" at either the Lyndie England Smoke & Point Discipline Academy or the President Clinton Internship Program, depending on gender and sexual preference.


"Assemblywoman Lieber's gonna regret introducing this bill!"

Rating: 2.5/5 (20 votes cast)

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December 12, 2006
Boy Beats Hawk - Hate Crime?
Posted by RightWingDuck at 04:52 PM

The Council to Restore Understanding and Tolerance Concerning Hawks (CRUTCH) issued a statement today condemning the actions of an 11 year old boy who viciously beat a Hawk who was allegedly trying to eat the boys puppy.
We are concerned about the actions of this young boy and the history of hatred of hawks and violence towards those hawks , commented Tsai Khosis, the CRUTCH regional director.

Hawks are peaceful creatures with no history of scooping up field mice and making off with them. When you compare actual histories, youd be more accurate to try to catch Bunny Foo Foos who not only scoop up field mice, but bop them on the head.

The young man claims, I dont care what CRUTCH says, my puppy was in danger and I had to take action. I cant look away and wait for somebody to come and rescue my puppy.

The young man has come under scrutiny as investigators look at the boy-on-hawk violence to determine if this is a potential hate crime. IMAO will be on this story and will share any updates as they become available.

Rating: 2.3/5 (15 votes cast)

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November 28, 2006
Bears-Packers Rivalry Now Classified As "Civil War"
Posted by Harvey at 05:39 PM

In a major decision by NBC, the long-standing rivalry between the Green Bay Packers and the Chicago Bears will now be referred to as a "Civil War".

In a morning press conference today, Matt Lauer, co-anchor of NBC's "Today" show explained, "after careful consideration, NBC News has decided a change in terminology is warranted, that the situation in NFC North Division with armed militarized factions fighting for their own political agendas can now be characterized as civil war."

Lauer was quick to dismiss criticism of the decision.

"While some may not agree with our new terminology, I'd like to point out several salient facts:

"First, Brett Favre has frequently been referred to as a 'gunslinger' with a 'rocket arm' that has launched thousands of murderous, high-speed footballs that have killed millions, or at least broken Donald Driver's finger once."

"Second, Bears coach Lovie Smith [no relation to Mrs. Thurston Howell III - ed.] has declared repeatedly that his goal is to build a team that can defeat the Packers. Now THAT'S an agenda!"

When asked about whether either team was technically "militarized", Lauer countered with incontrovertible evidence.

"What? Are you blind? They wear UNIFORMS! And talk about well-armed! Everywhere you go: Cheeseheads! Cheeseheads! Cheeseheads!... They may not look very formidable, but those things have corners... pointy corners..."

cheesehead extremist.jpg
Murderous Cheesehead extremist prepares for battle in NFC North Civil War.

Meanwhile, other news organizations have been swept up in the re-classification mania and will henceforth refer to the following as Civil Wars:

* Arguing over how to split the check during a "girl's night out".

* Squirmy toddler diaper-changing.

* Any Dick Cheney hunting trip.

IMAO will continue to bring you further updates, unless we're too busy fighting a Civil War with some sort of War Mongering Horde.

Rating: 2.5/5 (26 votes cast)

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November 21, 2006
Doesn't Anyone Spellcheck Anymore?
Posted by Harvey at 03:59 PM

Cindy Sheehan and her little friend Medea Benjamin of Code Pink are out protesting in Korea, but neglected to proofread their sign:

[pic via alert from GOP and the City]

Here's the original Yahoo! News story (and a screenshot, in case they delete it)

Near as I can tell, it's not a photoshop job. However, that just means that it ought to BE one.

I took the liberty of removing the words and leaving a blank sign. I also rotated the picture some so that you can easily add your own text without having to rotate it and make it all distorted.

Have fun with this. If you make your own sign, leave a link to your post in the comments.

Or - if you're photoshopically deficient - just leave what you think the sign should say.

Like maybe:

"Stupid and oblivious"

"Desperate for attention"

or my personal favorite:

(see also GOP & The City's Photoshop Contest)

Rating: 2.5/5 (24 votes cast)

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October 02, 2006
NMBLA Proclaims Support for GOP Rep Mark Foley
Posted by RightWingDuck at 12:44 PM

The National Man Boy Love Association today issued a statement declaring their support for embattled GOP Representative Mark Foley of Florida.

Said NMBLA spokesman Kuhmir Littleboy, Although usually we try to cast our support in favor of Democrats and homosexuals, we felt the cause was worthy and we should come out in favor of flirting with sixteen year old boys.

The ACLU has been silent on the issue of dirty emails, mostly because Rep Foley is neither Black nor Muslim. However, NMBLA has been quite vocal on their opinion.

We have always supported the notion of grown men sleeping with children. Normally we proclaim this message at local Gay Pride Parades, but we feel its never a wrong time to speak up, just as theres never a wrong time to hump young boys.

GOP Rep Foley, who tendered his resignation, had the following statement: I have no comment on this statement of support from NMBLA. By the way what were they wearing?

Rating: 2.4/5 (17 votes cast)

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August 13, 2006
Proof Castro Is Alive!
Posted by Frank J. at 03:16 PM



It has been announced the Fidel Castro is recovering, and Cuba has released some recent photos of Castro to show that he is alive. Some doubt their authenticity and even suggest the photos were manipulated with photo editing software. To counter this, intrepid IMAO fauxto journalist Cadet Happy present these exclusive images that prove once and for all the Fidel Castro is alive.

Fidel Castro at mass today with an unidentified priest carrying today's edition of the South Bend Tribune.(IMAO Fauxto/Cadet Happy)

Fidel Castro at a rally today with an unidentified supporter. He's talking on his new Blackberry 8600g and carrying today's edition of the L.A. Times.(IMAO Fauxto/Cadet Happy)

Fidel Castro with an unidentified foreign official. He's listening to Christina Aguilera's hit single "Ain't No Other Man" on his iPod.(IMAO Fauxto/Cadet Happy)

Fidel Castro at a parade. It's clear from his watch that it is today.(IMAO Fauxto/Cadet Happy)

Fidel Castro comforts a Lebanese woman who lost her home(s) to Israeli bombing. She's clearly holding up today's Miami Herald and Fargo Forum.(IMAO Fauxto/Cadet Happy)

Fidel Castro relaxing as he reads today's edition of Granma, the Communist Party newspaper.(IMAO Fauxto/Cadet Happy)

Rating: 2.5/5 (24 votes cast)

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August 10, 2006
Lebanese Woman in Love
Posted by Frank J. at 02:52 PM

I have some good news for those who have been following the travails of the unluckiest Lebanese woman: She's fallen in love!

Yes, her and her new boyfriend have even gone on a cruise together. Just look at the two:


Rating: 2.2/5 (20 votes cast)

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Scream If You Hate the JOOOOOOOS!
Posted by Harvey at 09:20 AM

Unlucky Beirut Woman flees across a bridge to safety as the sky glows orange from fires caused by Israeli bombing.

[Hat tip to IMAO reader Shimauma for the suggestion]

Rating: 1.9/5 (17 votes cast)

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August 09, 2006
If You Can't Laugh at a Lamenting Lebanese Woman, What Can You Laugh At? - Part 4
Posted by Frank J. at 02:53 PM

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3

* * * *

Drinking from Home, the blog that first introduced us to the unluckiest Lebanese woman, has more pictures from when her first home(s) was/were destroyed.

And now, further reporting from intrepid IMAO photo journalist Cadet Happy:

A Lebanese woman reacts as a giant marshmallow man destroys her homeland. When the Israelis forced her to choose Lebanon's destroyer, she tried to think of the most harmless thing she could imagine only to be horrified by the results.(IMAO Photo/Cadet Happy)


Rating: 2.0/5 (17 votes cast)

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If You Can't Laugh at a Lamenting Lebanese Woman, What Can You Laugh At? - Part 3
Posted by Frank J. at 12:05 PM

Part 1
Part 2

* * * *

Someone should find out what her name is. Anyway, intrepid IMAO photo journalist Cadet Happy continues his reporting:

A Lebanese woman reacts as British Jew Simon Cowell declares her singing "the worst atrocity a Muslim has ever inflicted on civilians." Black Jew and drunk Jew judges were also not impressed. The U.N. has declared Cowell's over-the-top remarks about her singing "disproportionate" and expect to pass a resolution condemning Israel.(IMAO Photo/Cadet Happy)


Rating: 2.2/5 (19 votes cast)

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If You Can't Laugh at a Lamenting Lebanese Woman, What Can You Laugh At? - Part 2
Posted by Frank J. at 08:56 AM

Part 1

* * * *

Intrepid IMAO photo journalist Cadet Happy continues his reporting:

Having given the last of her money to Lamont in a DailyKos fundraiser, a Lebanese woman reacts as Israel supporter Joe Lieberman announces his independent bid for the Senate. "Will we ever get rid of this Democrat Jew?" the woman exclaims.(IMAO Photo/Cadet Happy)


Rating: 2.7/5 (15 votes cast)

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If You Can't Laugh at a Lamenting Lebanese Woman, What Can You Laugh At? - Part 1
Posted by Frank J. at 12:11 AM


It's an IMAO news alert!

After an unfortunate Lebanese woman has lost two (or three) homes to Israeli bombs, she only went on to meet further misfortune (see here, here, here, and here) at the hand of the Israelis.

So what now is the fate of this poor Lebanese woman? Only further misfortune!

Intrepid IMAO photo journalist Cadet Happy reports:


Rating: 2.1/5 (18 votes cast)

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August 08, 2006
Joooooos on the Moooooon!
Posted by Frank J. at 09:53 PM

A Lebanese woman reacts at the destruction of the moon, having recently fled to earth's natural satellite in a vain hope to escape Israeli bombing. Where Israelis got the idea to use nuclear armaments against the moon is unknown.(AP Photo/Eedit Fotar)

Thanks to reader Pork & Beans for the image.

Rating: 1.9/5 (18 votes cast)

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Another Cowardly Atrocity
Posted by spacemonkey at 04:50 PM

A poor Lebanese woman laments her husband's (wearing red SKA t-shirt) impending goring and that of many other innocent civilians. The violence happened during a street rampage which ensued after the ILF (Israeli Livestock Force) released many angry blood-thirsty bulls to run in the streets of Beirut.

Rating: 2.8/5 (17 votes cast)

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Posted by Harvey at 02:48 PM

beirut smurf.jpg

Unlucky Beirut Woman leads Reuters photographers to the scene of yet another unprovoked Israeli atrocity.

Rating: 2.4/5 (19 votes cast)

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May 04, 2006
Thousands Riot Over Che Cartoons
Posted by Harvey at 09:05 PM

[pic via American Digest]

Reacting to a cartoon portraying Ernesto "Che" Guevera which was published on an American web site recently, thousands of angry Mexican took to the streets in violent protest.

Angry Mexicans - who apparently don't work for a living - flooded the streets in protest Monday

"Muslims have forced Americans not to show cartoons of Allah's prophet Mohammed," said one protester whose name was probably Pedro, "As socialist thugs, we worship Fidel Castro - the oldest Communist dictator who has not been killed and eaten by the Americans. Che is like Castro's prophet, in the sense that he murdered people in Castro's name. Therefore we forbid displaying images of him, and cruelly punish those who do."

According to the Communist religion, the punishment for depicting Che is impalement, and several instances were caught on film:

Lucky it was only a glancing blow, this supporter of free speech had a wooden pole shoved into his right forearm.
[via Michelle Malkin]

che mouse sign.jpg
This girl was not so lucky - a stake in the head.
[via WorldNetDaily]

horse che.jpg
Not even bronze statues were immune to Mexican vengeance.
[via WorldNetDaily]

Fortunately, not everyone was intimidated, as a few brave counter-protesters were on the scene

American of Mexican descent, whose name was probably Jose, proudly exercises his freedom of speech while giving the "victory" sign to let the Mexifascists know that he won't be intimidated.

Lesson learned:

Be like Jose
Display your Che

Or the Mexiterrorists win.

More blasphemous Che depictions in the extended entry...


Rating: 1.9/5 (19 votes cast)

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Bill Gates: Wahh! I'm Too Rich!
Posted by spacemonkey at 03:15 PM

Bill Gates wishes he wasn't richest in world - May. 4, 2006

Microsoft Corp. Chairman Bill Gates said Wednesday he wished he were not the world's richest man.

"I wish I wasn't. There is nothing good that comes out of that," said Gates,

He went on to say that crushing the hopes and dreams of so many pathetic losers on the way to the top would have been payment enough. He also admitted that being able to afford to quietly have his detractor's "deleted", a term he would not elaborate on, was nice too.

Rating: 2.3/5 (19 votes cast)

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April 03, 2006
News UPDATE!!!!
Posted by RightWingDuck at 12:13 PM


In a surprise statement today, Congresswoman Cynthia McKinney, a Democrat, announced her innocence regarding charges that she punched a cop. Stated the Congresswoman, Although I have no moral judgment regarding the punching of law enforcement personnel, I want to state that this is a case of mistaken identity. I would never punch somebody just because theyre trying to enforce the rules and regulations that are designed to keep me safe.

The congresswoman went on to state her support for those who enforce the law.

As a result of this press conference, law enforcement officials have looked at the videotape of the event and have now identified a new suspect.

Be on the lookout for this person...


Rating: 2.2/5 (16 votes cast)

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March 17, 2006
News Flash: Huffington Post to Offer Wider Range of Services
Posted by RightWingDuck at 12:57 PM

In a move to increase the scope of her services, Arianna Huffington proudly announced her new blog writing service available at the Huffington Post.

"We feel that most celebrities today don't have the time to sit down and write out the actual words of what they think. If these people wanted to project caring and sincerity, they'd hire professional screenwriters. So we've created a service where today's Important Person can communicate effectively without having to do anything."

Arianna was encouraged to take this step when she witnessed the incredible appreciation voiced by readers when they read the completely factual and untainted post by actor George Clooney called "I'm Liberal and Ariannia is so sexy"

Said Arianna, "We are reaching the point where we need to reach beyond the (CBS) standard of Fake But Accurate and reach into the realm of I'm Sure This is What They Would Want.

Upcoming celebrity posts and titles include:

Angelina Jolie: Adopt these little children because Bush will otherwise orphan them again.

Brad Pitt: Angelina is almost as hot as Arianna.

and of course...

Jennifer Aniston: Stop looking at Arianna!!

Showing support for this new addition was veteran talk show host Bill Maher. "Arianna has shown the kind of sincerity and bravery the likes of which are rarely seen. In fact, I haven't seen this kind of courage since those hijackers rammed those airplanes into the twin towers."

Also today, in appreciation of St. Patricks' Day, The Huffington Post will feature an extensive articulation of Bush war crimes as wrtten by an actual, bona fide Leprechaun.

Rating: 2.0/5 (19 votes cast)

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February 16, 2006
What's going on? I'll tell you what.
Posted by spacemonkey at 11:24 AM

Dissent is being stifled left and right, well left anyway. The Bushco-Halliburton constructed re-education camps in Texas are already filling up. Now the camps themselves are begining to become stifling what with all the crowding and the combined hippy odors of those being detained. The Democratic Underground, KOS and the City of Seatle are all practically empty now. The few remaining 'voices' are Rightwing moles used to badger and ferret out the rats. Other rodent figures of speech were not available for comment.

In related news, the depopulations of dissenters resulting from liberals being abducted along with the new jobs created from new camp construction are driving unemployment down nationwide. However this depopulation is only freeing up on average 1 job for every 25 liberals being sent to the camps, since many are able to remain gainfully unemployed during their in-camp-ceration.

Gas prices are down a little, due to the influx of stolen Afghani and Iraqi oil. However, the upcoming wars we have scheduled with Venezuela and Iran should help bring them down further to make the solution to the liberal problem more cost effective.

Rating: 2.3/5 (16 votes cast)

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