About IMAO



Giving money to Frank J. makes you happy!

Buy funniest book ever!
Buy funniest book ever!




IMAO Podcasts
IMAO Merchandise and Newsletter

Cool shirts, mugs, stickers, and what-not!

About IMAO
Then conquer we must, for our cause is just, 
And this be our motto--'In God is our trust.' 
And the star-spangled banner in triumph doth wave 
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave.


If you want to send something by snail mail, e-mail with subject "P.O. Box" to get mail information for Frank J. and SarahK.

Bloggers:
Frank J.
Harvey
RightWingDuck
Cadet Happy
spacemonkey
Laurence Simon
SarahK


Popular Categories
Fred Thompson Facts
John Edwards Fabulous Facts
lolterizt
IMAO Condensed
Know Thy Enemy
Editorials
Frank the Artist
In My World

Other Content
Ode to Violence
Brief Histories
IMAO Audio Bits



Read the Essay
Own the Shirt
Peace Gallery

Search IMAO
Google
Web www.imao.us

Testimonials
"All quotes attributed to me on IMAO are made up... including this one."
-Glenn Reynolds

"Unfunny treasonous ronin!"
-Lou Tulio*

"You, sir, are a natural born killer."
-E. Harrington

"You'll never get my job! Never!!!"
-Jonah Goldberg

"In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. And He did despair, for in His omniscience, He did know that His creations had but three-fifths of the splendor of that which would be IMAO."
-No One of Consequence

"A blogger with a sense of humor."
-Some Woman on MSNBC
Blogroll
Ace of Spades HQ
The Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler
Blackfive
Captain's Quarters
Classical Values
Conservative Grapevine
The Corner
The Daily Gut (with Jim Treacher!)
Dave in Texas
Eject! Eject! Eject!
Electric Venom
Hot Air
Puppy Blender
La Shawn Barber's Corner
Michelle Malkin
Pereiraville
Protein Wisdom
Rachel Lucas
Right Wing News
Scrappleface
Serenity's Journal
Townhall Blog

IMAO Blogroll
Bad Example
Cadet Happy
The Flying Space Monkey Chronicles
mountaineer musings
Right Wing Duck
SarahK & Cadet Happy snark TV
This Blog Is Full of Crap

Fred Thompson Links
Fred File
Blogs for Fred
Fred Thompson Facts
Awards

 

Permalink Contest Archives

Email This | Add to del.icio.us | Digg this | StumbleUpon Toolbar Stumble It!
August 07, 2003
Permalink Contest Talkback
Posted by Frank J. at 09:48 AM

Please use the comments section of this post to discuss the permalink contest. I know some people thought it was a distraction, but I figured they could just skip those posts and read the other stuff. I plan on another, shorter competition later which will be a bit different, but I would like to hear some feedback from my readers first.

Rating: 2.6/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (32)
Email This | Add to del.icio.us | Digg this | StumbleUpon Toolbar Stumble It!
August 06, 2003
There Can Be Only One...
Posted by Frank J. at 08:05 PM

Super Lucky Happy Fun Permalink Contest Number One™ could not go on forever. Only one could win the Permalink. The final question once again was:

They struck during the night. There was no warning. By morning, they had swarmed the U.S. and resistance was crippled. One fought bravely against them, trying to end the menace. Finally, though, the sword broke, the Colt 1991 locked on an empty clip, and the mighty Frank J. fell. He died as they always thought he would: clawed and bitten by thousands of monkeys.
Now the monkeys, in conjunctions with the hippies and the Communists, have taken control. The hippies dictate government policy, the Communists crack down on freedom, and the monkeys... well the monkeys just cause havoc. They race sports cars through school zones and rob liquor stores all day long. It's all over, it seems, for the human race, but there is one hope left: you.
You lead a ragtag group of rebels in possession of a few small arms. In 200 words or less, how do you plot and bring about the downfall of the monkey, hippy, Commie power structure?

And the winner of the final poll is...

UPDATE: Now have acceptance speech.

Read More...


Rating: 2.6/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (22)
Email This | Add to del.icio.us | Digg this | StumbleUpon Toolbar Stumble It!
August 05, 2003
SUPER LUCKY HAPPY FUN PERMALINK CONTEST NUMBER ONE FINAL POLL!!!!
Posted by Frank J. at 06:30 PM

Here it is, the deciding competition for the permalink.

BTW, people were supposed to describe their blog without using the letter 'e' and include the word "armadillo". Some people cheated on that, but I can't punish them for it since it isn't part of the competition. They should just know they have my dissapproval. Kudos to those who did it properly.

Meet the Finalists

the voodoo lounge by dr.dna
My blog is gr3yish in color. On it I writ3 about armadillos. I also us3 th3 l3tt3r 3. Com3 and r3ad, I'v3 got th3 b3st 3's in th3 blogosph3r3.

Adventures in Trouble Shooting by Tom
My blog is my story. I writ3 about t3chnology, politics, bas3ball, lif3, my girlfri3nd (hands off, Frank! You can't hav3 h3r.), my job, blogging. Inst3ad of y3lling at th3 TV, I y3ll on my blog. It's not all bitt3rn3ss and b33r, though, th3r3's a lot of funny stuff, too. Oh, and it app34rs that I also sp34k l33t. Go T3am M3.

Modularparrot.com by Stan, Bob and Jon
A Ragtag Parrot Army – joking with armadillos, hacking armadillo tails from trunks, pulling out armadillo claws, shooting armadillo skulls with hollow points, spooning out armadillo brains, roasting armadillo brains, tails and claws – armadillo gourmands having fun with armadillos.

Bad Money by Harvey
Witty insights about this and that, plus graffiti bills with captions so hilarious that a road-kill armadillo would sit up and laugh.

[Think About It] by Jarred Nicholls
Armadillos and Libs: Good for a midnight snack!

Serenity's Journal by Serenity
Warm, caustic, funny and as snarky as an armadillo on a Florida highway!

Here are the answers to the question in random order (revealing who wrote which is means for disqualification):

QUESTION: They struck during the night. There was no warning. By morning, they had swarmed the U.S. and resistance was crippled. One fought bravely against them, trying to end the menace. Finally, though, the sword broke, the Colt 1991 locked on an empty clip, and the mighty Frank J. fell. He died as they always thought he would: clawed and bitten by thousands of monkeys.
Now the monkeys, in conjunctions with the hippies and the Communists, have taken control. The hippies dictate government policy, the Communists crack down on freedom, and the monkeys... well the monkeys just cause havoc. They race sports cars through school zones and rob liquor stores all day long. It's all over, it seems, for the human race, but there is one hope left: you.
You lead a ragtag group of rebels in possession of a few small arms. In 200 words or less, how do you plot and bring about the downfall of the monkey, hippy, Commie power structure?

ANSWER 1: We will entice the hippies to trust us by handing out granola and gently bubbling bongs and tell them that the monkeys want to set up a new capitalist government. This will prompt the hippies to whine and flee to New Mexico.
We'll then inform the Commies that the only papers the hippies produced before crossing the border were Zig Zags. While the Commies race after the patchouli stenched group, we'll tell the monkeys that the Commies just left with all the Vodka. Everyone will be on their way to Albuquerque.
Now that we have everyone assembled in the desert, we will sacrifice one Nuke The MoonT t-shirt and place it neatly on the sandy ground. We will then pour a volley of righteous Freedom Rounds into it thus causing a nuclear detonation. Everyone will perish except for those of us who wear the shirt.
As the fallout clears, we will see a figure walking towards us. It's Frank J! Of course Frank is alive. Everyone knows you can't kill someone who wears their Nuke the MoonT shirt. It was a vast left wing conspiracy, and we knew this, but it was a fun excuse to annihilate all the scum.

ANSWER 2: I would put on a big mustache and go to the hippies and commies, saying I was Saddam Hussein. They love mustached dictators, so I would gain their trust. Then I'd sneak into their headquarters, push the big red button marked "SELF-DESTRUCT". Hippies and commies are stupid, so they'd probably have a self-destruct button. So that would take care of the hippies and commies.
Now, for the worst of the lot - the monkeys. Since almost all diseases that infect humans came from monkeys at some point, I'd take the dead hippies and fling them at the monkeys. Since hippies are filthy, they've probably got tons of cool new diseases. Hopefully one of them will infect the evil monkeys. It wouldn't even have to jump species, seeing as monkeys and hippies are so closely related.
Then, the world freed once again, I would resurrect Frank J using voodoo, upon which he will probably ask me "how do you do that voodoo that you do so well?". Then we'd nuke the moon and have a big party.

ANSWER 3: Having cobbled together small arms and a catapult, we set off to the UN building where the Commies, Monkeys and Hippies had built their formidable fortress. Using the catapult, we captured some of those speeding cars in school zones, with a truckload of bananas to distract the monkeys. Since the Commies are most likely french, the use of German cars caused their outer guards to surrender. Using a few small arms on the non-French commies, we advance on the UN HQ for Communistic Crap and insult their leader, who sends out the hippies and monkeys.
Gathering the strength of the Wall Street Underground (who obviously hate commies and hippies) and a legion of firehoses filled with soapy goodness, we flushed out the hippies, who, coated in clean and soapy water became normal people, albeit more clueless, scattered like mice. The monkeys being tougher customers, the catapult was used to hurl bananas and other fruits toward them, pacifying them into a bloated stupor while we caged them up. Buck the Marine lead the final charge with the cry of "For Frank! And NO QUARTER!" which lead to a communist bloodbath the likes of which the world had never seen. We Won.

ANSWER 4: "There's only one way to stop them. We'll create a super-virus, mixing DNA from Frank, Rumsfeld, and Ebola."
"You can't do that," said a suspiciously odiferous cabal-member, "what about the unknown environmental consequences?"
*SHLORP*- I ripped the heart from his chest, holding it in front of his eyes as it spurted patchouli. "Shut up, hippy spy."
"URK!" said the hippy.
"But won't this require a new government program to pay for treating all the infected working poor?" said an elderly, rotund, gin-blossomed man (whom I'd been eyeing suspiciously).
"Die, Commie!"
"Kennedy"
"Whatever."
“BLAM!” added my Frank J Memorial 1911 decisively, ending the argument.
“Anyway, we’ll use the labs at ImClone to put this together.”
“How will we make it in? We’re nearly out of ammo.”
“Don’t worry. I’ve got inside connections. My mother-in-law is Martha Stewart. At least I think she is. Last time she visited, she alphabetized my silverware.”
“Alphabetized your…?”
“Don’t ask.”
“Anyway, enough chatter. Let’s roll.”
The virus worked as planned. Hippies and Commies died of strangulation-like symptoms, while monkeys everywhere bled to death out of their eyes.
… but somewhere in a dark cave… a voice… ”This round is yours, but I’ll be back.” *sip* “mmm… blended puppy.”

ANSWER 5: After the death of Frank J., the US becomes a kingdom of "you can't do that" Nazis under the direction of hippies and commies, with monkeys in charge of alcohol production.
Enter a patchwork team of citizens led by Chuck Heston, a sleeper cell created for just this sort of eventuality and developed at the Army War College.
Chuck has been spirited underground after accumulating vast experience with unruly monkeys in 'Planet of the Apes', hippie behavior in the pagan worship scene from 'Ten Commandments', and secrets of the current communist food complex in 'Soylent Green'.
The Chucks execute a commando operation that fouls the supply of vegetarian Soylent Green, Red and Yellow with pandas, rhinos and blue whales respectively. The hippies commit ipecac suicide after realizing they've destroyed 3 endangered species.
Without hippies, the commies have no free love, so begin the mass rape of monkeys. The monkeys retaliate by plugging themselves with potatoes, inadvertently creating the perfect conditions for the fermentation of vodka. The relentless pounding by the commies eventually leads to a chain reaction when the rectification columns of the volatile, vodka laden monkeys reach critical mass and explode.
Frank J. is immortalized in stone.

ANSWER 6: One bullet at a time.

There are the answers that will determine the winner of the coveted permalink.

PLACE YOUR BETS NOW!

POLL CLOSED (results here)

Poll closes in 24 hours (or so) from this posting, and then the final winner will be announced.

Rating: 2.4/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (8)
Email This | Add to del.icio.us | Digg this | StumbleUpon Toolbar Stumble It!
August 04, 2003
Super Lucky Happy Fun Permalink Contest Number One Final Question
Posted by Frank J. at 08:50 AM

It's time for the final question... time to decide who wins the permalink.

Finalists:
Adventures in Trouble Shooting
Serenity's Journal
Modularparrot.com
the voodoo lounge
[Think About It]
Bad Money

Before the main question, first head the e-mail with this:

List site name and preferred blogger name.
Write a brief site description. You can't use the letter 'e' and it must contain the word "armadillo".

And now, the final question:

SHORT ANSWER QUESTION: They struck during the night. There was no warning. By morning, they had swarmed the U.S. and resistance was crippled. One fought bravely against them, trying to end the menace. Finally, though, the sword broke, the Colt 1991 locked on an empty clip, and the mighty Frank J. fell. He died as they always thought he would: clawed and bitten by thousands of monkeys.

Now the monkeys, in conjunctions with the hippies and the Communists, have taken control. The hippies dictate government policy, the Communists crack down on freedom, and the monkeys... well the monkeys just cause havoc. They race sports cars through school zones and rob liquor stores all day long. It's all over, it seems, for the human race, but there is one hope left: you.

You lead a ragtag group of rebels in possession of a few small arms. In 200 words or less, how do you plot and bring about the downfall of the monkey, hippy, Commie power structure?

You have 24 hours from this posting to e-mail me your answer. Godspeed.

Rating: 3.0/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (10)
Email This | Add to del.icio.us | Digg this | StumbleUpon Toolbar Stumble It!
August 03, 2003
Every Contestant Gets IMAO, the Home Game...
Posted by Frank J. at 11:10 AM

Susie had the idea that everyone who participated and lost in my Super Lucky Happy Fun Permalink Contest Number One and lost should at least get a consolation prize of a special banner to put on their blog. Here is what she has come up with so far:

Post 1
Post 2
Post 3
Post 4

Pixy Misa has one too.

I like this idea. I think an official logo should be decided upon, and I put Susie, head loser, in charge of deciding what the logo will be. When she has chosen the logo, I'll present it, and only the participants in my competition can use it.

I even made an entry myself.

(I kid because I love)

On a related note, Turning Spork has a movie about his poor showing in the polls.

Reminder to those who aren't losers yet: the final questions will be announced tomorrow. Plus, there will be a very special In My World™ based on a true story.

Rating: 2.0/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (30)
Email This | Add to del.icio.us | Digg this | StumbleUpon Toolbar Stumble It!
August 01, 2003
Super Lucky Happy Fun Permalink Contest Number One Round 6 Over
Posted by Frank J. at 11:00 AM

After having a photo finish for the last poll, this one was a total blowout. There were 247 votes total.

The question was: You are on your way somewhere, but a group of hippies incoherently protesting something blocks your way. In 200 words or less, what is the best way to handle this situation?

And the winner is: Answer 3, written by Harvey of Bad Money. It got 143 votes (58%).

I actually encountered this situation once. All I wanted to do was cross the street, but the road was jammed with retarded lefties blathering gibberish like, “Free Mumia For Oil”, “No Blood For Peace”, and “Bush Lied, Babies Died, I’ll Have Tofu On The Side”, or something like that.
I suppressed my rage until I saw the “Bush = Puppy Blender” sign, then something inside me snapped. “That’s all I can stands, I can’t stands no more!” I cried, reaching over to a nearby organic foods vending cart, grabbing a handful of spinach, and shoving it down my throat.
Somewhere nearby, a Phish-smelling band inexplicably started playing a modified hornpipe, as animated battleship tattoos magically appeared on my biceps and started firing live shells into the fetid assembly. I waded through the crowd, my bulgy forearms windmilling madly as the Phish-smellers segued into a quick-tempo Yankee Doodle.
Filthy hippies flew in all directions, landing in comical pretzel-piles, with their stupid-slogan signs jammed in previously functional orifices.
Covered in patchouli-befouled blood, I reached the other side and burst into song:
“I’m strong to the finish
(here’s a buck for your spinach)
Don’t F*** with the sailor man!”
TOOT! TOOT!

Answer 1 was written by Analog Mouse of One Little Victory. It got 31 votes (13%).

When the hippies are basking in their smelly glory about how many protesters are there, tell them that the only reason no one is there supporting the other side is that they are all busy WORKING FOR A LIVING! Then ask the hippies if they have jobs. They will look at their shoes and quietly walk away. (I've seen this done. It really works!)

Answer 2 was written by Mark of Kaedrin. It got 35 votes (14%).

The obvious answer would be to simply savage them with my gas-guzzling SUV, but I should probably be more creative. I would sneak around the crowd, obtain their email addresses then send Frank J. a harassing email lecturing him on grammar. Then I would pull up a chair and watch the ensuing chaos (chances are, watching hippies die slow, horrible, painful deaths at the hands of a samurai sword wielding engineer would be more entertaining than anything I was going to attend anyway)

Answer 4 was written by Jennifer of Jennifer's History and Stuff. It got 34 votes (14%).

One word: soap. Soap is a well-known hippie repellant. If you carry a bar of soap with you at all times, you can wave it at any hippies you come across and they will part like the Red Sea.

Answer 5 was written by Tuning Spork of Blather Review. It got 4 votes (2%).

I'd cover myself from head to toe in a soapy lather; the hippies would part like the Red Sea as I strolled merrily on through.

Okay, I can see two answers centering around soap as a repelent to hippies, but both making reference to the parting of the Red Sea? Was someone looking over another person's shoulder when writing his or her answer?

As for me, despite how hilarious Answer 3 was (especially “Bush Lied, Babies Died, I’ll Have Tofu On The Side”), I voted for Answer 1, not so much because it was funny as it just was true.

So, congratulations to Harvey of Bad Money. We now have all our finalists.

Finalists:
Adventures in Trouble Shooting
Serenity's Journal
Modularparrot.com
the voodoo lounge
[Think About It]
Bad Money

The finalists’ questions will appear Monday. All the site descriptive questions will change, plus there will be the mother of all short answer questions to decide the winner (I just have to think of it first).

There are six finalists, but, in the end...

THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!

Rating: 2.5/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (20)
Email This | Add to del.icio.us | Digg this | StumbleUpon Toolbar Stumble It!
July 31, 2003
Super Lucky Happy Fun Permalink Contest Number One Poll (You Vote Now!)
Posted by Frank J. at 08:21 AM

This is it, the final group...

Group F!

Meet the Bloggers

The name of my site is: Blather Review.
My preferred name as a blogger is: Tuning Spork
I've been blogging since February 2003.
A brief description of my site: Some politics, some law , some recipes, some laughs, some mp3s of my crappy songs... whatever, no big whoop!
Briefly praise FrankJ and IMAO...hmmm....FrankJ is a satirist's satirist! The characters ring so true it's scary, I tells ya, scary!!
My favorite movie is....hmmm...I'll have to say....JAWS.
The Simpsons character I most identify with: Frank Grimes.

What is the name of your site? Jennifer's History and Stuff.
What is your preferred name as a blogger? Jennifer, but since that is so common, JenLars works. J. La! (ick)
How long have you been blogging? Since July 1, 2003.
Give a brief description of your site. I share little historical tidbits and assorted miscellany. Basically, I just try to make history a little more interesting and impart my enthusiasm for learning.
Briefly praise Frank J. and IMAO. Name favorite post. Frank J. is quite obviously an intelligent, handsome young man. Any single lady would be lucky to wait at home (with a dog) for Frank at the end of the day. He's available, ladies! IMAO is always an enjoyable read. My favorite post used to be the Brief History of Canada, but now it is anything with Chomps the U.N. Peacekeeper.
What's your favorite movie? Tough one, it's very hard to name just one movie. Today I'll pick "The Right Stuff."
Which Simpsons character do you most identify with? I prefer to identify with a South Park character, since all the good Simpsons characters have been chosen. I relate to Cartman's mom, who is a crack whore. I am not a crack whore, but I am a link whore.

What is the name of your site? One Little Victory
What is your preferred name as a blogger? Analog Mouse, or just Mouse or am will do.
How long have you been blogging? Since May 9, 2003
Give a brief description of your site. Ranting and raving on my blog so my friends and family don't have to listen to me bitch.
Briefly praise Frank J. and IMAO. Name favorite post. Frank J. is so great that a permalink on Instapundit would be an insult. My favorite is In My World: Reading to Underprivileged Kids.
What's your favorite movie? The Quiet Man.
Which Simpsons character do you most identify with? Marge, definitely. But not normal, everyday marge. More like Marge when she stopped her car in the middle of traffic, or Marge when she was a gambling addict.

1) Site name: Bad Money
2) Preferred Name: Harvey
3) Blogging since: June 21, 2003 (counting the 8 miserable days on Blogspot)
4) Brief site description: Well-captioned graffiti currency and amusingly-phrased commentary.
5a) Praise for Frank J & IMAO: As a rule, written humor will NOT make me laugh out loud. 3 major exceptions: P.J. O'Rourke, James Lileks, and Frank J. - Hmmm. I wonder if the letter J has anything to do with it?
5b) Favorite post: "In My World: The Hunt for the Rumsfeld Strangler". I TRIED not to laugh out loud at this one, I really did. I succeeded only in rupturing my spleen and coating my keyboard with a fine mist of nose-filtered coffee.
6) Favorite movie: "The Princess Bride". Besides having the best-choreographed sword fight in cinematic history, it is quotable to nth degree. I, myself, have successfully used the line "I do not think that word means what you think it means" on a number of occasions. [Ed. Gah! I forgot to put that one on my list of favorite movies I gave to John Hawkins.]
7) Simpsons character I most identify with: Monty Burns. Despite being black-heartedly evil, he's a shrewd and savvy business man who knows how to turn a profit. Not to mention that Li'l Lisa's Patented Animal Slurry is one damn fine product.

-What is the name of your site?
Kaedrin
-What is your preferred name as a blogger?
Mark
-How long have you been blogging?
Just over 3 years. Yes, years.
-Give a brief description of your site.
The blog covers political issues lately, but also focuses on culture, movies, and technology. My site also has book & movie reviews and a host of other schtuff.
-Briefly praise Frank J. and IMAO. Name favorite post.
IMAO is genuinely and consistently funny, and it has been for quite some time now (even getting better as it goes), which is quite rare these days. Something you'll notice in the answer to this question and the next two are that I have great difficulty choosing a favorite anything, so bear with me. My favorite posts are the In My World posts, because they are funny (natch) and because whenever you write Bush, I picture Will Ferrell delivering the lines. Funniest line Frank has written lately: "If a North Korean bites you, you become one." Classic.
-What's your favorite movie?
2001: A Space Odyssey or The Godfather or Seven Samurai or Das Boot... I could go on all day with these...
-Which Simpsons character do you most identify with?
Herman, the military antiques guy. Pet Peeve: Pacifists.

Right of Center did not get a response in on time.

Here are the answers to the question in random order (revealing who wrote which is means for disqualification):

QUESTION: You are on your way somewhere, but a group of hippies incoherently protesting something blocks your way. In 200 words ot less, what is the best way to handle this situation?

ANSWER 1: When the hippies are basking in their smelly glory about how many protesters are there, tell them that the only reason no one is there supporting the other side is that they are all busy WORKING FOR A LIVING! Then ask the hippies if they have jobs. They will look at their shoes and quietly walk away. (I've seen this done. It really works!)

ANSWER 2: The obvious answer would be to simply savage them with my gas-guzzling SUV, but I should probably be more creative. I would sneak around the crowd, obtain their email addresses then send Frank J. a harassing email lecturing him on grammar. Then I would pull up a chair and watch the ensuing chaos (chances are, watching hippies die slow, horrible, painful deaths at the hands of a samurai sword wielding engineer would be more entertaining than anything I was going to attend anyway)

ANSWER 3: I actually encountered this situation once. All I wanted to do was cross the street, but the road was jammed with retarded lefties blathering gibberish like, “Free Mumia For Oil”, “No Blood For Peace”, and “Bush Lied, Babies Died, I’ll Have Tofu On The Side”, or something like that.
I suppressed my rage until I saw the “Bush = Puppy Blender” sign, then something inside me snapped. “That’s all I can stands, I can’t stands no more!” I cried, reaching over to a nearby organic foods vending cart, grabbing a handful of spinach, and shoving it down my throat.
Somewhere nearby, a Phish-smelling band inexplicably started playing a modified hornpipe, as animated battleship tattoos magically appeared on my biceps and started firing live shells into the fetid assembly. I waded through the crowd, my bulgy forearms windmilling madly as the Phish-smellers segued into a quick-tempo Yankee Doodle.
Filthy hippies flew in all directions, landing in comical pretzel-piles, with their stupid-slogan signs jammed in previously functional orifices.
Covered in patchouli-befouled blood, I reached the other side and burst into song:
“I’m strong to the finish
(here’s a buck for your spinach)
Don’t F*** with the sailor man!”
TOOT! TOOT!

ANSWER 4: One word: soap. Soap is a well-known hippie repellant. If you carry a bar of soap with you at all times, you can wave it at any hippies you come across and they will part like the Red Sea.

ANSWER 5: I'd cover myself from head to toe in a soapy lather; the hippies would part like the Red Sea as I strolled merrily on through.

Great answers, but only one shall win and go on to the final round next week.

PLACE YOUR BETS NOW!

POLL CLOSED (results here)

Poll closes in 24 hours. Then all the finalists will be known, and what will be left is the thrilling conclusion next week.

Rating: 2.9/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (19)
Email This | Add to del.icio.us | Digg this | StumbleUpon Toolbar Stumble It!
July 30, 2003
Super Lucky Happy Fun Permalink Contest Number One Round 5 Over
Posted by Frank J. at 07:19 PM

I tried to close this latest poll as close to 24 hours on the dot as I could because the vote was extremely close (2 votes separate first place from last place).

The questions was: Everyone knows my solution to random ninja attacks. In 200 words or less, describe your own solution. Remember, while people hate getting randomly attacked by ninjas, they also hate high taxes, so try and keep your solutions cheap.

And the winning answer is: Answer 1, written by Jarred Nicholls of [Think About It]. It got 62 votes (34%).

Ninjas? Are you serious? Unless these "ninjas" are wearing Batman like thick-as-shit rubber tighties that reflect bullets, then whip out your Desert Eagle, put one in each of their nuts (most ninjas don't wear anti-bullet-in-nut shields), put one in each of their knee caps, walk behind them, recite the Boondock Saints prayer, and put one in the back of their head. No more ninja.

Answer 2 was written by Pixy Misa of Ambient Irony. It got 60 votes (33%).

Hit them with a Dragon Slave spell. This is sort of like a Neutron Bomb, only backwards: it leaves people alive - more or less - in a crater several miles wide. While the Ninjas are boggling at the extent of the destruction (Ninjas often kill people, but rarely destroy entire cities), you can sneak up behind them, slip headphones over their ears and play Alanis Morisette at them until they melt into a puddle of gloop. This really works. (Celine Dion also works, but then you'd run the risk of hearing it and melting into a puddle of gloop yourself.)

Answer 3 was written by Beth of Beth's Contradictory Brain. It got 61 votes (33%).

Easy, breed Chomps, the world's angriest hunting dog, train his offspring what Ninja's are and how they smell, and then say "SicEm." Once the Ninja are taken care of (a week tops), the pups can then be trained to take out any other group, say the French, or the monkeys, causing problems.

Even though I've made it clear that ninjas dodge bullets, I, like a lot of people, voted for Answer 1 since it referenced the cool movie Boondock Saints. Yay, I finally voted for a winner (and my vote actually put it over the top).

Congratulations to Jarred Nicholls of [Think About It]. He will join the voodoo lounge, Modularparrot.com, Serenity's Journal, Adventures in Trouble Shooting, and one more blog to be voted for tomorrow in the final round.

So, last group tomorrow, and then next week we will have the thrilling conclusion of the Super Lucky Happy Fun Permalink Contest Number One™.

Rating: 2.7/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (5)
Email This | Add to del.icio.us | Digg this | StumbleUpon Toolbar Stumble It!
July 29, 2003
Super Lucky Happy Fun Permalink Contest Number One Poll (You Vote Now!) and Questions for Group F (You Answer Now!)
Posted by Frank J. at 06:58 PM

The tension is so thick, you can cut it with a knife. That means it is time for a new batch of bloggers to compete!

Group E!

Meet the Bloggers

* What is the name of your site?
Ambient Irony
* What is your preferred name as a blogger?
Pixy Misa
* How long have you been blogging?
Three months and counting.
* Give a brief description of your site.
This is my blog. There are many like it, but this one is mine.
* Briefly praise Frank J. and IMAO. Name favorite post.
Frank is funny. (Err, was that brief enough?)
I always loved the In My World press conferences, particularly when Condi was demonstrating a new toy. The one about the Robot Sipders is
may favourite.
* What's your favorite movie?
Millennium Actress (Sennen joyu)
* Which Simpsons character do you most identify with?
Leela. No, wait! Uhhhh... Simpsons? Identify? With? How about Stephen Jay Gould? He was on the Simpsons, right?

*What is the name of your site? [Think About It]
*What is your preferred name as a blogger? Jarred Nicholls (badass name, yes? My mother gave it to me)
*How long have you been blogging? June 2003. Fairly new, but have always had opinions that need sharing. Opinions are like @$$holes, everyone's got 'em. The difference here is, mine are the only ones that matter.
*Give a brief description of your site. [Think About It] is a Conservative news, views, and humor site with a taste of wit and in-your-face journalism with the goal to make people think (easier said than done).
*Briefly praise Frank J. and IMAO. Name favorite post. Frank J. is a good guy with a lot of humor. He's a brother of anti-liberalism, and for that I respect him. As for a favorite post, I happen to enjoy them all, so I don't have a favorite post. [Ed. Cop-out.]
*What's your favorite movie? The Army of Darkness (Evil Dead III)...funniest damn movie ever.
*Which Simpsons character do you most identify with? Probably Barney. Not because of me, but most of my external family are fat slobby drunks and burp alot.

*What is the name of your site? Beth's Contradictory Brain
*What is your preferred name as a blogger? God
*How long have you been blogging? I started on Diaryland (don't laugh) in April 2002, then moved to http://bethmauldin.com/ in November of 2002.
*Give a brief description of your site. All the contradictory thoughts in my brain on your screen - isn't the internet wonderful?
*Briefly praise Frank J. and IMAO. Name favorite post. Frank J. is wise and sarcastic beyond his years. There is no other blogger equal to Frank J. If IMAO were read by everyone on the planet - we just might achieve utopia.
My favorite entry: A Question of No Importance

Apropos to nut'n, were the can and the can opener invented simultaneously? I figure someone didn't invent the can opener first and then said, "Hey, we've got this great opener, now let's invent something it can open." If that didn't happen, and they were not both made at the same time, that means that, after the first man successful sealed food inside a can, he stood a long while just staring at it wondering, "Now how the hell do I get it out of there? Now this seems like such a dumb idea, because I'm hungry." I know that if someone had taken my food, sealed it inside a can, and didn't have a way of getting it out, I'd be pretty pissed.

What's your favorite movie? Fight Club
Which Simpsons character do you most identify with? Mr. Burns, I want to be rich and powerful. Oh wait, as long as I don't have to be old and ugly like he is.

* Site Name: Shining full plate and a good broadsword
* Preferred blogger name: Banagor
*How long have I been blogging: Since day 1. Nobody is, however, exactly sure when day 1 originated. Some carbon dating has returned the results of several years, but also going back nearly a decade in other various forms. Evolution is a wonderful thing and it sometimes can confuse the onlooker, especially when the purpose is to study the transformation and pin down the exact point at which one thing becomes another. There is no point to asking this question as the subject has been online longer than most people even know what the heck a modem is. There is also no point to this answer, as the writer has already shown his flippancy towards anything non-coffee related in the morning.
*Brief description of my site: Pain erupted throughout the thoughtless orc's visage as the mailed fist and steel shield smashed into the twisted mass of flesh and bone. The grunting and pig-like squealing from the denizens of evil all around the shining paladin now had a tinge of fear about it and their grubby little green and filthy fingers trembled just as they were reaching up towards him to pull him down into the darkness. There was silence.
And then the face slid off of the shining bright shield in a slow and slithering slump. Dead. It had been crushed and was the first to be destroyed in the mad throes of the fires of Hell itself. There was silence and naught was heard for that moment in battle which can last an eternity - that moment when your opponent sees death in his eyes.
And then begins the singing, and the broadsword shines forth in the darkness, arcing it's way through the air to accompany the song as the hordes of evil begin to flee. They trample each other in terror as the paladin does his best work, slicing and lobbing off heads, limbs, and all with his sword, their blood spilling over into the air like rainbows of light as they are hacked down by the thousands in this version of gritty work for the noble and higher cause. They know that they cannot stand before him so they jump, screaming their horrible pig squeals of pain and fear as they fall within the darkened crevasse - an abyss of their own ignorant making. They leap like lemmings, a single living bridge of contorted and twisted bodies suspended eternally in mid-air, grappling with each other in their doom, forever cursed to claw at only their own wretched bodies as he stands there, on the edge of it all, and continues to chase them with his tools of war and righteousness, ensuring that the final leap of their evil forever remains their last, stupid, painful moment: to have meddled with the forces of good and paid the highest price of all. Eternal damnation from that which is good.
I could, naturally, give you a long version of what my site is about.
*Praising Frank, IMAO, and favorite post: Frank is that dark mysterious black knight which fights on the side of goodness and truth and the paladin way. He humbles all, and teaches wisely about the evils of the world and how to guard against them. His goodness doth reach the very walls of the camp of paladins camped outside the very gates of Hell in that eternal battle, giving them hope and reaching out with the justice of arms. For, is it not said that no man who is wrong may win against one who is good, just, and true in a contest of arms on the field of valor? Yes, verily it is sooth and so, and Frank reminds us all of that. It is a given that my favorite post is the "Nuke the Moon" post, as I have written a long analytical piece on it, explaining the truth and justice behind the very notion.
*Favorite Movie: Where Eagles Dare. Killing that many Nazis in a single movie can only bring joy to the hearts of everyone who sees it.
*Favorite Simpsons: I don't identify with a particular character on the Simpsons really except, perhaps, Lisa. I know that she's a girl but as I see it, she's a paladin. She is oft the voice of reason in the show and she is by far the brightest star there is. However, I see the Simpsons as a single entity comprised of the many. I identify with everyone on the show because the genius of the show is that it has a little bit of everyone in it made up of each individual character. Therefore, it is the nature of God. God cannot be dissected into parts, because it is a wholesome oneness which creates the unique aspect of Godhood. It is heresy to even attempt to dissect the Simpsons in anything more than jest, but if I had to choose, I would then - again - say Lisa.

Who Tends the Fires and A Little Aardvark Never Hurt Anyone did not respond. Banagor turned his nearly 500 word answer in late, so it had to be disqualified on two counts. Thus, there are only three answers to choose from this time.

Here are those three answers to the question in random order (revealing who wrote which is means for disqualification):

QUESTION: Everyone knows my solution to random ninja attacks. In 200 words or less, describe your own solution. Remember, while people hate getting randomly attacked by ninjas, they also hate high taxes, so try and keep your solutions cheap.

ANSWER 1: Ninjas? Are you serious? Unless these "ninjas" are wearing Batman like thick-as-shit rubber tighties that reflect bullets, then whip out your Desert Eagle, put one in each of their nuts (most ninjas don't wear anti-bullet-in-nut shields), put one in each of their knee caps, walk behind them, recite the Boondock Saints prayer, and put one in the back of their head. No more ninja.

ANSWER 2: Hit them with a Dragon Slave spell. This is sort of like a Neutron Bomb, only backwards: it leaves people alive - more or less - in a crater several miles wide. While the Ninjas are boggling at the extent of the destruction (Ninjas often kill people, but rarely destroy entire cities), you can sneak up behind them, slip headphones over their ears and play Alanis Morisette at them until they melt into a puddle of gloop. This really works. (Celine Dion also works, but then you'd run the risk of hearing it and melting into a puddle of gloop yourself.)

ANSWER 3: Easy, breed Chomps, the world's angriest hunting dog, train his offspring what Ninja's are and how they smell, and then say "SicEm." Once the Ninja are taken care of (a week tops), the pups can then be trained to take out any other group, say the French, or the monkeys, causing problems.

Three to choose from, one to win.

PLACE YOUR BETS NOW!

POLL CLOSED

Poll closes 24 hours (or so) after this post.

And now next round of questions for Group F!

GROUP F QUESTIONS:
What is the name of your site?
What is your preferred name as a blogger?
How long have you been blogging?
Give a brief description of your site.
Briefly praise Frank J. and IMAO. Name favorite post.
What's your favorite movie?
Which Simpsons character do you most identify with?

SHORT ANSWER QUESTION: You are on your way somewhere, but a group of hippies incoherently protesting something blocks your way. In 200 words ot less, what is the best way to handle this siuation?

Group F, you have 24 hours to get me your answers. Godspeed.

Rating: 2.6/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (15)
Email This | Add to del.icio.us | Digg this | StumbleUpon Toolbar Stumble It!
Super Lucky Happy Fun Permalink Contest Number One Round 4 Over
Posted by Frank J. at 06:21 PM

Me home now. Here are the full results for the poll.

The question was: In 200 words or less, describe the best way to kill a
Communist.

And the winning answer is: Answer 5, written by dr.dna of the voodoo lounge. It got 63 votes (28%).

Get an Islamic suicide terrorist to blow up near him. Two birds with one stone.

Answer 1 was written by Susie of Practical Penumbra. It got 55 votes (24%).

The best way to kill a commie depends on one's own personal idiom. There are those who prefer weapons grade plutonium in a puppie smoothie, and others who insist that a katana and a Colt 1991 will do. I, however, am of the school that believes the old tried-and-true remedies work best: capitalism (and lots of it!).

Answer 2 was written by Bloodthirsty Warmonger of Over The Edge. It got 26 votes (11%).

Almost anything can be justified, as long as you have a good recipe for it. The Japanese in me wanted to turn him into sushi – then I came to my senses, realizing that you need the freshest ingredients for that. As I plunged into the nefarious depths, my thoughts turned to the fine art of jungle warfare. We could let him out into the jungle with a five-minute head start, pursued by Buck the Marine, who’s been given the order to shoot him on sight, like a mad dog.! But before that happens, he could be done in by a variety of booby traps. My favorite method of turning him into hamburger would be the Bouncing Betty, the mine with the spring device that causes a bomb to explode at chest level. Of course there will be cameras to record the expression of surprise on his face in his last second of life. Muh ha ha ha!

Answer 3 was written by Elliot of Curiosity. It got 57 votes (25%).

Drop him in a pit with monkeys. Tell the monkeys he's a Jew (monkeys are anti-semitic).

Answer 4 was written by Norbizness of Happy Furry Puppy Story Time. It got 7 votes (3%).

Put a bomb in Yao Ming's ribcage during a Chinese National Team basketball exhibition game in Beijing. [I hereby cede my 183 unexpended words back to my competitors].

Answer 6 was written by Attila Girl of Little Miss Attila. It got 20 votes (9%).

Wouldn't that depend on the range?--I could see a variety of firearms as being really useful for this project. But please do not forget poison, which creates a lot of pain. If you can get close to the communist in question, I would recommend working poison into their food. Don't mess around with ice picks; that's silly.

I voted for Susie's answer because she has been trying to get a link for a while. I guess she'll never get one now; I wish there was something I could do. If I hadn't voted for hers, I would have probably voted for Answer 3; it was so random it cracked me up.

Congratulations to dr. dna of the voodoo lounge. He will compete against Modularparrot.com, Serenity's Journal, and Adventures in Trouble Shooting in the final round.

The poll for Group E will be up soon, as well as the question for the last group, Group F.

Rating: 2.4/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (7)
Email This | Add to del.icio.us | Digg this | StumbleUpon Toolbar Stumble It!
Poll Results... Sorta
Posted by Frank J. at 01:07 PM

I forgot again to prep some questions so I could answer them during my lunch break for Frank Answer™, so I was going to at least put out the poll results for Group D. Then I realized, I don't have the information here at work with me to know who wrote what. Anyway, there were 228 votes, and the winner is...

Whoever wrote Answer 5, which got 63 votes (28%). Congratulations to someone.

Answer 1 got 55 votes (24%).

Answer 2 got 26 votes (11%).

Answer 3 got 57 votes (25%).

Answer 4 got 7 votes (3%).

Answer 6 got 20 votes (9%).

I voted for one of them, probably not the winner. Whichever one it was, I liked it for some reason.

Congratulations to someone for winning the poll, and thanks to the other people who aren't that someone for participating.

Someone will now join the other three finalists - who I can't remember off hand - in the final competition.

Anyway, I'll update this with more details when I get home from work.

Rating: 3.1/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (1)
Email This | Add to del.icio.us | Digg this | StumbleUpon Toolbar Stumble It!
July 28, 2003
Super Lucky Happy Fun Permalink Contest Number One Poll (You Vote Now!) and Questions for Group E (You Answer Now!)
Posted by Frank J. at 09:41 AM

Feel the electricity in the air? It could only mean one thing: time for a new batch of bloggers to compete!

Here is Group D! (now with less formatting so this post doesn't take me an hour to put together)

Meet the Bloggers

1. Site Name: Happy Furry Puppy Story Time
2. Preferred Name: Norbizness
3. Length of Blogging: Since May 25, 2003
4. Brief Site Description: A steaming load of
appeasenik tripe.
5a. Praise Frank: He sells me weed 'at cost'. He doesn't smell like dog when he gets wet. He lends me small firearms so that my wait at the Post Office can
be cut in half.
5b. Favorite Frank Post: The December 2002 chestnut "If They're Not Evil, Then Why Are They Foreign?"
6. Favorite Movie: Toss-up between Renoir's "The Grand Illusion" and Swayze's "Roadhouse"
7. Simpsons Character: Johnny Cash as Homer's spirit guide

My Blog
By Susie
My Blog is called Practical Penumbra.
It is by Susie because that is my name and I like my name.
My Blog is 3 months old, and soon it will be able to roll over by itself. [Ed. I took developmental psychology in college, so I get that joke.]
My blog is very pretty. It would be prettier but all my crayons melted into blurple.
I write things in my blog. Sometimes I mention Frank, because he is very funny.
Sometimes I talk about school and sometimes I talk about where I work. School is not fun. :( Work is sometimes fun. :)
Usually I just read my friends' blogs and link to them.
I like Frank VERY much. He is VERY funny. He is also best friends with lots of
cool people like Buck the Marine and the President, and he tells us about them.
That is very interesting. The best story he told was about Belgium getting
nuked
. (It wasn't in the news, though, so I think the government covered it up.
They do that.) [Ed. Actually, they missed if you remember correctly]
Today my favorite movie is "1776". The men all sing and wear funny clothes. It makes me laugh. (But not as much as Frank does).
I like the Simpsons very much. Usually I feel like Lisa, but today I feel like Apu. The Simpsons makes me laugh. (But not as much as Frank does).
The End

*What is the name of your site?
Over The Edge, a subsidiary of ColoradoPsycho.com.
*What is your preferred name as a blogger?
Bloodthirsty Warmonger. I take an epithet that most Idiotarians are likely to hurl at me and turn it into a badge of pride.
*How long have you been blogging?
Since 18 February 2003
*Give a brief description of your site.
News and opinions, mainly on the wacky world of human behavior. “Compassionate conservatism” is more than a political catch phrase on this site, which has been declared a troll-free zone.
*Briefly praise Frank J. and IMAO. Name favorite post.
I have no life outside of IMAO! When I grow up, I want my site to become a cheap imitation of his. Frank’s blog site is the only one where I absolutely cannot have anything to eat or drink before visiting. At the risk of sounding sadistic, the “In My World” scene where he describes Rummy educating a reporter on the difference between Vietnam and other wars (30 June 2003) gives me violent fantasies.
*What's your favorite movie? It’s a Wonderful Life.
*Which Simpsons character do you most identify with?
Mr. Ned Flanders, of course. I always look for the good in people, am an incurable optimist most of the time, have been known to teach Sunday School, and am probably the first person in this contest to name It’s a Wonderful Life as his favorite movie.

What is the name of your site - the voodoo lounge
What is your preferred name as a blogger - dr.dna
How long have you been blogging - about 6 months
Give a brief description of your site - war, politics & whatever else catches my eye
Briefly praise Frank J. and IMAO. Name favorite post - All Hail. That brief enough for you? Favourite bits are Frank Answers and Know Thy Enemy
What's your favorite movie - Lots, but the first that come to mind are Braveheart & Monty Python movies
Which Simpsons character do you most identify with - Homer, because even though I have a job, sometimes it seems like I always have something better to do than go to work.

*What is the name of your site?
Curiosity
*What is your preferred name as a blogger?
Elliot or curi
*How long have you been blogging?
6 months
*Give a brief description of your site.
I write in-jokes, hardcore philosophy, and random stuff. Occasionally. Read at your own risk.
*Briefly praise Frank J. and IMAO. Name favorite post.
The jokes are terrific, and plenty to qualify Frank as brilliant, but the post that most stands out is this one: Giving Thanks. I very much appreciate that Frank is Good as well as funny.
*What's your favorite movie?
Cruel Intentions
*Which Simpsons character do you most identify with?
Lisa, for the isolated intellectual thing, *not* the tree-hugging bit.

*What is the name of your site?
Little Miss Attila
*What is your preferred name as a blogger?
Attila Girl
*How long have you been blogging?
Since this past spring.
*Give a brief description of your site.
Beautifully crafted essays, sardonic jokes, and belated teenage angst.
*Briefly praise Frank J. and IMAO. Name favorite post.
Frank's a cute, wonderful kid. I'm allowed to say that, since I'm 41. It would have to be your declaration of war on Instapundit. [Ed. Oh, and the plans I have for him... but I must wait for the right time to strike...]
* What's your favorite movie?
Aliens.
* Which Simpsons character do you most identify with?
Lisa.

For the first time, everyone in the group responded. Yay Group D!

Here are their responses to the question in random order (revealing who wrote which is means for disqualification):

QUESTION: In 200 words or less, describe the best way to kill a
Communist.

ANSWER 1: The best way to kill a commie depends on one's own personal idiom. There are those who prefer weapons grade plutonium in a puppie smoothie, and others who insist that a katana and a Colt 1991 will do. I, however, am of the school that believes the old tried-and-true remedies work best: capitalism (and lots of it!).

ANSWER 2: Almost anything can be justified, as long as you have a good recipe for it. The Japanese in me wanted to turn him into sushi – then I came to my senses, realizing that you need the freshest ingredients for that. As I plunged into the nefarious depths, my thoughts turned to the fine art of jungle warfare. We could let him out into the jungle with a five-minute head start, pursued by Buck the Marine, who’s been given the order to shoot him on sight, like a mad dog.! But before that happens, he could be done in by a variety of booby traps. My favorite method of turning him into hamburger would be the Bouncing Betty, the mine with the spring device that causes a bomb to explode at chest level. Of course there will be cameras to record the expression of surprise on his face in his last second of life. Muh ha ha ha!

ANSWER 3: Drop him in a pit with monkeys. Tell the monkeys he's a Jew (monkeys are anti-semitic).

ANSWER 4: Put a bomb in Yao Ming's ribcage during a Chinese National Team basketball exhibition game in Beijing. [I hereby cede my 183 unexpended words back to my competitors].

ANSWER 5: Get an Islamic suicide terrorist to blow up near him. Two birds with one stone.

ANSWER 6: Wouldn't that depend on the range?--I could see a variety of firearms as being really useful for this project. But please do not forget poison, which creates a lot of pain. If you can get close to the communist in question, I would recommend working poison into their food. Don't mess around with ice picks; that's silly.

Many good answers, but only one can be declared the best answer.

PLACE YOUR BETS NOW!

POLL CLOSED

Poll closes 24 hours after this post.

And now next round of questions for Group E!

GROUP E QUESTIONS:

What is the name of your site?
What is your preferred name as a blogger?
How long have you been blogging?
Give a brief description of your site.
Briefly praise Frank J. and IMAO. Name favorite post.
What's your favorite movie?
Which Simpsons character do you most identify with?

SHORT ANSWER QUESTION: Everyone knows my solution to random ninja attacks. In 200 words or less, describe your own solution. Remember, while people hate getting randomly attacked by ninjas, they also hate high taxes, so try and keep your solutions cheap.

Before I had taken everyone's answers to their questions and formatted them the same, but now I'm just going to post them as you give them to me (I especially liked Susie's cute little way of doing hers). So e-mail me your answers ready for cut and paste. You have 24 hours from the time of this post to mail them in. Godspeed.

Rating: 2.1/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (8)
Email This | Add to del.icio.us | Digg this | StumbleUpon Toolbar Stumble It!
July 25, 2003
Super Lucky Happy Fun Permalink Contest Number One Round 3 Over
Posted by Frank J. at 12:48 PM

The poll is closed.

No offense to the first two groups, but I think we had the best group of answers so far (they probably also got an easier question; everyone hates monkeys). There were a total of 267 votes.

The question was: Name your least favorite species of monkey and explain why you dislike that monkey.

And the winning answer is: Answer 1, written by Stan, Bob, Jon, Darwin and Guy of Modularparrot.com. It got 96 votes (36%).

The European Moss-Back; a nearly-extinct subset of the infamous Cheese-Eating Surrender Monkey. The EMB is distinguished by its lack of personal hygiene, infrequent showers and propensity to urinate in the street. Visual identification is simple; the EMB is heavily carpeted in thick hair on its back, arms, legs, and feet and often wears a beret to cover a hairless pate. Always has something in its mouth, usually one of its feet. Older EMBs tend to be grey-backed.
* EMBs chatter constantly, usually unintelligibly, and wouldn't be caught dead communicating with lesser breeds. When they are caught dead, their meat is flabby, gamy and otherwise unpalatable.
* EMBs are not territorial; in fact, they rarely defend themselves except when there's pride or oil involved, neither of which they posses in any significant quantity. So they tend to be red arsed from frequent beatings.
* They can only be moved to action by threats and big sticks, or by yelling "Rarr". (16 words)
* EMBs tend to congregate around African cesspools, art museums, or plates heaped with rotting cheese, foie gras and crackers, and they show a peculiar attraction to whine.

Answer 2 was written by Graham Lester of Uncategorical. It got 67 votes (25%).

The baboon is my least favorite species of monkey:
Baboons have ugly butts.
Baboons are scary.
Baboons will eat anything, including other baboons, and even humans.
The baboon is the most French of all the monkeys. Here are some solid proofs:
If you ask a baboon a simple question in English, he will act like he doesn't speak the language.
If you ask the question again in French, the baboon will act arrogant, like you're not good enough to merit the consideration of a reply.
Although baboons eat anything and anyone, I know of no case of a baboon eating a Frenchman.
Although they will also eat anything, I know of no case of a Frenchman eating a baboon. Obviously, there is an alliance.
If you ask to be served baboon in a French restaurant, they will become angry, like they have something to hide.
French organ grinders never use baboons.
There are no cases of baboon organ grinders using Frenchmen (except in captivity).
If you throw a beret to a troop of baboons, they will wait until you have gone and then the leader will put the beret on his head and quote Sartre.
Stop Press: Absolute proof of the Franco-Baboon Alliance can be found at this link.

Answer 3 was written by Mike of Mike. He got 23 votes (9%).

At the risk of being permanently banned from IMAO, I have to confess that I love monkeys. All of them. The little guys are incredibly handy. They wash my dishes, pick up my dry cleaning, and occasionally pose as me on my blog. They even do windows, although they bitch about it. The only problem is that I can't toilet-train them. Their union contract says that they don't have to wear diapers so they shit wherever they want to.

Answer 4 was written by J of The Blog of Xanadu. It got 21 votes (8%). Donations are now being accepted.

Any form of macaque. Macaque is the French word for 'monkey'. Leave it to the French to name the monkey after their tiny masculine body parts. We should shoot all macaques, and then shoot each French man in is 'macaque'. As President, I'd make macaques illegal. Donations are now being accepted.

Answer 5 was written by Bill of Bloviating Inanities. It got 13 votes (5%).

The Buffy-headed Marmoset. While this particular monkey appears cute, cuddly and harmless enough, I once witnessed two of these little bastards at a zoo. It wasn't pretty. The male not only sexually assaulted the female, he then proceeded to steal her banana. She retaliated by throwing her fresh, steaming poo at him. I was afraid she would turn on me with the poo flinging so I headed over to a more well-behaved animal, the wolverine. Luckily, the Buffy-headed Marmoset is on the endangered species list.

Answer 6 was written by John or Collins (is doesn't really matter) of Collinization. It got 47 votes (18%).

Although I do hate all monkeys, my least favorite species is the apus moldus cowardus; the cheese-eating surrender monkey. Easily identified by their long, flowing back hair(females) and small genitals(males), this vile beast was the first species of monkey to fling excriment out of it's mouth. These animals allow their food to rot for months, even years before consuming it. Some think that they enjoy the stench, as it covers their own putrid smell. Others, like myself, believe it is due to their intense fear of inanimate objects. For those reasons, the cheese-eating surrender monkey is the species of monkey I hate the most. Well, that and one of the little bastards bit me one time, and I think it gave me the AIDS. Don't worry though; I put some windex on it.

This was a hard one to pick a best answer from, and I once again did not vote for the winner as I voted for Answer 2 as I thought the comparison between a baboon and a Frenchman was particularly funny (I especially liked the part about it pretending not to know English).

Hmm... and this is three times in a row answer 1 has won the contest.

Anyway, congratulations to the P-Team of Modularparrot.com who joins Serenity's Journal and Adventures in Trouble Shooting as finalists.

Thanks again to everyone for participating. I hope this has been as fun for you as it is aggravating for me to format these posts :)

Group D's answers are all in, and the poll will be posted Monday morning.

Rating: 2.1/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (18)
Email This | Add to del.icio.us | Digg this | StumbleUpon Toolbar Stumble It!
July 23, 2003
Super Lucky Happy Fun Permalink Contest Number One Round 2 Over
Posted by Frank J. at 08:37 PM

The poll is closed.

Damn this was a close one. 239 votes total.

The question was: Describe how bombing Paris will help Uganda's economy.

And the winning answer is: Answer 1, written by Serenity of Serenity's Journal. It got 64 votes (27%).

A loud cheer will erupt, "Paris is burning!" and millions of people will race to the streets all over the world to party. The next morning, gallons upon gallons of Uganda coffee and tons of Uganda sugar will be needed to revitalize everyone. This process will be repeated for years as there is no such thing as, "Celebrating too much after Paris falls." While everyone is happy and drunk, a contest will emerge to rename the, "Paris Club debt relief" and all proceeds will go to Uganda. This will be cause for another great celebration and the festivities will continue for another 100 years.

Answer 2 was written by Pink Zebra of Experimenting with Mental Exhibitionism. It got 54 votes (23%).

Since coffee is Uganda's main export, bombing Paris would cause a decrease in demand for the coffee it imports from India, repackages and sells to Vietnamese restaurants in the United States where it is brewed and mixed with sweetened, condensed milk to make Vietnamese coffee. The resulting destabilization of the global coffee market, the world's second-most widely traded commodity, would inevitably work to Uganda's economic favor as soon as Donald Rumsfield finds out that Vietnam (the world's second largest exporter of coffee) STILL hasn't been blown off the map yet. Uganda's only rival in dominating the world coffee market would then be, Brazil, currently the number one exporter of coffee and also a country which not only blatantly harbors monkeys but continues to discover new species of them within its own borders. Clearly, something will be done about Brazil before Uganda's economy completely implodes.

Answer 3 was written by Wince of Wince and Nod. It got 15 votes (6%).

Drunk with ambition and crazed by syphilis, Idi Amin decided that the path to riches and world power would be for Uganda to surpass France as the greatest wine producer. By kidnapping the greatest French grape growers, Idi was able to make Ugandan vineyards the envy of Africa. Foreseeing his own downfall and eventual demise, Amin had long ago arranged a secret cloning project. Now his clone is poised to bring their plot to fruition by bombing Paris, making Entebbe the wine-making capital of the world.

Answer 4 was written by Nephi of The Stormin' Mormon. It got 39 votes (16%).

Bombing Paris would ideally result in the elimination of the French Government. As such, French farms would no longer be subsidized, allowing Ugandan goods to be more competitive. France's clout in the EU would also be destroyed, paving the way for removal of importation bans on Genetically Modified Foods making genetic modification a profitable investment for Uganda. As Ugandan scientists exploit their new freedom they will develop superior strains of mutant celery capable of intimidating neighbors into paying tribute. Sadly, these mutant vegitables may not be able to conquer France itself, as the French Army may suddenly become competent with the removal of the government.

Answer 5 was written by Dave of The Wise Man Says. It got 10 votes (4%).

Bombing Paris will create thousands of jobs in the cleaning up of the residue and ashes (and blood and guts, and the slaughter of any remaining bad French people, which will be all of them because we will convince the good ones to immigrate to the US or to Britain before we bomb them). We will hire Ugandans to do this, thus pumping millions into their economy.

Answer 6 was written by Tiger of Tiger: Raggin' & Rantin'. It got 57 votes (24%).

I suspect that if we flew over Paris and shoved a million Ugandans out of airplanes, the economy of Uganda would immediately improve. Paris would be a bloody mess.

I'm almost ashamed to admit that was the one I voted for. It almost won, too, but, so far, I still keep the tradition of never voting for the winner in one of my polls.

Congratulations again to Serenity of Serenity's Journal who joins Tom Bridge of Adventures in Trouble Shooting as a finalist.

New poll tomorrow of Group C and the questions for Group D.

Rating: 1.9/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (10)
Email This | Add to del.icio.us | Digg this | StumbleUpon Toolbar Stumble It!
July 22, 2003
Super Lucky Happy Fun Permalink Contest Number One Poll (You Vote Now!) and Questions for Group C (You Answer Now!)
Posted by Frank J. at 08:01 PM

Time to meet Group B.

Meet the Bloggers

Wince and Nod
* What is your preferred name as a blogger? Wince And Nod, or Wince for short.
* How long have you been blogging? Since Saturday, June 14, 2003, at 3:42 PM
* Description of Site: Slightly right of center with some reflections on life. I hope my site will be a safe place for liberals and conservatives to discuss
their views, but first they have to actually visit.
* Praise for Frank J. and IMAO: IMAO is the funniest site on the web. Even funnier than the Engrish site. In My World is a stitch. Plus you can read my review.
* What's your favorite movie? A River Runs Through It
* Which Simpsons character do you most identify with? Ned Flanders, because I wear glasses, I'm usually a nice guy and I usually don't cuss. (Nobody is as good as Ned Flanders.)

Tiger: Raggin' & Rantin'
* What is your preferred name as a blogger? Tiger [Duh!]
* How long have you been blogging? since 4/4/03
* Description of Site: A place where you can see my inane thoughts and some other stuff
* Praise for Frank J. and IMAO: Frank is not a liberal assclown or a puppy blender, but uses those terms quite freely. Buck the Marine should do something about liberal assclowns who blend puppies. Frank has threatened to do me harm if I didn't compete in this contest. My favorite post is this one, I guess.
* What's your favorite movie? Tank Girl, I mean cute girls, power mad utility companies and Kangaroos, what more could you expect from a movie?
* Which Simpsons character do you most identify with? Although I have previously stated: It seems there is some part of me that has always wondered what it would be like to be Maggie Simpson's pacifier, that was meant in jest. I guess if I was to identify with one, it would have to be Lenny, because I am usually in the background and no one notices me.

The Stormin' Mormon
* What is your preferred name as a blogger? Nephi
* How long have you been blogging? Exactly 4 months
* Description of Site: My views of life, politics, and whatever I find interesting. More structure to come!
* Praise for Frank J. and IMAO: In My World: Whitehouse Hopes Democrats Don't Flee to Canada (wink wink). Karl Rove is awesome!
* What's your favorite movie? Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Which Simpsons character do you most identify with? The Comic Book Store Guy

The Wise Man Says
* What is your preferred name as a blogger? Dave
* How long have you been blogging? Umm... about 3 months.
* Description of site: It gives my conservative opinion on anything and everything I want to talk about.
* Praise for Frank J. and IMAO: You know how Jesus sits at the right hand of God? Frank J sits at the right hand of Jesus. How's that for praise? Oh, and praising IMAO - well, anything that Frank J writes is, by the above definition, at least semi-divine. Therefore, IMAO is semi-divine or better. My favorite post? Gotta be an IMW.... Blood is Also Symbolic of Blood. That one's pretty good. Especially the last line.
* What's your favorite movie? Geez, you're going to make me pick one? Um, okay... don't rush me... The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly. Obviously, France is the Ugly. [Ed. That's my favorite!]
* Which Simpsons character do you most identify with? Either Groundskeeper Willie, or Professor Frink. Depends on if I identify with my Scots side, or my Geek side.

Experimenting with Mental Exhibitionism
* What is your preferred name as a blogger? Pink Zebra
* How long have you been blogging? Almost a year.
* Description of site: It's an experiment in progress.
* Praise for Frank J. and IMAO: Frank J. is funny in the same way that murderers are scary. I mean that in a good way.
*What's your favorite movie? This is Spinal Tap
* Which Simpsons character do you most identify with? Ummm, I don't have a television so I don't watch the Simpsons, but this quiz says I'm most like some character named Professor Frink.

Serenity's Journal
* What is your preferred name as a blogger? Serenity
* How long have you been blogging? 3.5 months
* Description of site: It's gray and purple and has lots of words strung together and flung upon it.
* Praise for Frank J. and IMAO: Frank J is jolly jack splendid. Favorite post is the, "I hate Michael Moore" entry.
* What's your favorite movie? I don't have a favorite but will give examples of movies I really like: One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, Blazing Saddles, and Monty Python-Search for the Holy Grail.
* Which Simpsons character do you most identify with? Bart

Oridnary Galoot did not get answers in on time.

Here are their repsonses to the question in random order (revealing who wrote which is means for disqualification):

QUESTION: Describe how bombing Paris will help Uganda's economy.

ANSWER 1: A loud cheer will erupt, "Paris is burning!" and millions of people will race to the streets all over the world to party. The next morning, gallons upon gallons of Uganda coffee and tons of Uganda sugar will be needed to revitalize everyone. This process will be repeated for years as there is no such thing as, "Celebrating too much after Paris falls." While everyone is happy and drunk, a contest will emerge to rename the, "Paris Club debt relief" and all proceeds will go to Uganda. This will be cause for another great celebration and the festivities will continue for another 100 years.

ANSWER 2: Since coffee is Uganda's main export, bombing Paris would cause a decrease in demand for the coffee it imports from India, repackages and sells to Vietnamese restaurants in the United States where it is brewed and mixed with sweetened, condensed milk to make Vietnamese coffee. The resulting destabilization of the global coffee market, the world's second-most widely traded commodity, would inevitably work to Uganda's economic favor as soon as Donald Rumsfield finds out that Vietnam (the world's second largest exporter of coffee) STILL hasn't been blown off the map yet. Uganda's only rival in dominating the world coffee market would then be, Brazil, currently the number one exporter of coffee and also a country which not only blatantly harbors monkeys but continues to discover new species of them within its own borders. Clearly, something will be done about Brazil before Uganda's economy completely implodes.

ANSWER 3: Drunk with ambition and crazed by syphilis, Idi Amin decided that the path to riches and world power would be for Uganda to surpass France as the greatest wine producer. By kidnapping the greatest French grape growers, Idi was able to make Ugandan vineyards the envy of Africa. Foreseeing his own downfall and eventual demise, Amin had long ago arranged a secret cloning project. Now his clone is poised to bring their plot to fruition by bombing Paris, making Entebbe the wine-making capital of the world.

ANSWER 4: Bombing Paris would ideally result in the elimination of the French Government. As such, French farms would no longer be subsidized, allowing Ugandan goods to be more competitive. France's clout in the EU would also be destroyed, paving the way for removal of importation bans on Genetically Modified Foods making genetic modification a profitable investment for Uganda. As Ugandan scientists exploit their new freedom they will develop superior strains of mutant celery capable of intimidating neighbors into paying tribute. Sadly, these mutant vegitables may not be able to conquer France itself, as the French Army may suddenly become competent with the removal of the government.

ANSWER 5: Bombing Paris will create thousands of jobs in the cleaning up of the residue and ashes (and blood and guts, and the slaughter of any remaining bad French people, which will be all of them because we will convince the good ones to immigrate to the US or to Britain before we bomb them). We will hire Ugandans to do this, thus pumping millions into their economy.

ANSWER 6: I suspect that if we flew over Paris and shoved a million Ugandans out of airplanes, the economy of Uganda would immediately improve. Paris would be a bloody mess.

There are the answers.

PLACE YOUR BETS NOW!

POLL CLOSED (results here)

Poll closes 24 hours (or so) after the time of this post.

And now, next round of questions! (you must have entered previously and be listed in the proper group to participate)

GROUP C QUESTIONS:

What is the name of your site?
What is your preferred name as a blogger?
How long have you been blogging?
Give a brief description of your site.
Briefly praise Frank J. and IMAO. Name favorite post.
What's your favorite movie?
Which Simpsons character do you most identify with?

SHORT ANSWER QUESTION: In 200 words or less, name your least favorite species of monkey and explain why you dislike that monkey.

Answers are due to me within 24 hours of this post. Godspeed.

Rating: 1.2/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (4)
Email This | Add to del.icio.us | Digg this | StumbleUpon Toolbar Stumble It!
July 21, 2003
Super Lucky Happy Fun Permalink Contest Number One Round 1 Over (Group B Answer Questions Now!)
Posted by Frank J. at 07:32 AM

The poll is closed!

Sorry I accidentally reset the voting Friday by fixing a grammar error in the poll, but it wouldn't have changed the winner if those votes were included. Total votes were 189.

The question was: Describe a situation or crisis in which Aquaman would be a great superhero.

And the winning answer is: Answer 1, written by Tom Bridge of Adventures in Trouble Shooting. It got 63 votes (33%).

Seeing as Aquaman is a pretty enormous pansy, I think it would have to involve the French sinking Bikini Atoll into the Pacific, and Aquaman whipping their asses like so many rented mules. Since, well, even Aquaman could whup the French, and they'd just surrender anyway, I'm not even sure that qualifies Aquaman as a superhero, since it requires that he only fight the French. So I guess there isn't a situation where Aquaman is a superhero.

Answer 2, written by Dana of Note-It Posts got 29 votes (15%).

Geeez, Frank, I mean, don't make it too EASY for us or anything. (yes, that's sarcasm) Hmmm..... ok... here's my answer: Saddam Hussein has hidden his weapons of mass destruction in leaky oil barrels up and down the lengths of the Tigris and Euphrates Rivers. Because of his amazing power to communicate with sea animals, Aquaman discovers the locations of these barrels and relays them to Allied Central Command. Not only has Aquaman managed to clear up the mystery surrounding these materials, he has single-webbed-handedly arranged the cleanup of the resultant water pollution. He does so employing the amazing filtering capabilities of a species of jellyfish known to no one else except (dun-dun-DUNNNNN) Aquaman!!!

Answer 3, written by Dave of Proveritate got 32 votes (17%).

Aquaman should be living in the Asian country of Bangladesh. If you read the factbook it says this about Bangladesh's natural hazards, "much of the country routinely flooded during the summer monsoon season." Aquaman would have his very own season as the monsoons and the Indian Ocean drown the country. Plus he'd save hundreds in a single day since Bangladesh has a tendency to pack 600 plus people on a ferry which then promptly capsizes. Bangladesh is the perfect place for Aquaman to show off his superhero skills.

Answer 4, written by hln of Angelweave got 17 votes (9%).

Aquaman can best excel by using his powers to make
money (and, of course, spend money to stimulate the
economy, but we'll not cover that here). Here are some of the ways Aquaman could render service. He'll never starve! He'll never be bored in a job!
1) Head Trainer at Sea World
2) Dunk-Tank Demonstrator/Salesman
3) Navy Seal
4) Professor of Underwater Basket Weaving
5) Olympic Athlete, distance events (Money comes from later endorsements)
6) Water-based security guard for Sealand
(http://www.sealandgov.com)
7) Geological Consultant - photographing the Marianas Trench
8) Working for Greenpeace - thwarting longline swordfish operations
9) Titanic artifact recovery
10) Reporter for Siren (http://www.siren.sut.org.uk/main.htm)
And, to keep himself on the positive side of the ever-scrutinizing public eye, Aquaman's community service of note would be to summon all of the still-living starfish lying on the beach back into the ocean. If that's not enough, he could make public appearances to unbeach whales.

Answer 5, written by LACAstronomer of ThisSide got 48 votes (25%).

When you're fighting the French. Underwater.

Personally, that was my favorite. I give everyone 200 words, and he only used six; that takes courage.

Anyway, congratulation to Tom Bridge. He is now a finalist.

On to next round!

GROUP B QUESTIONS:

What is the name of your site?
What is your preferred name as a blogger?
How long have you been blogging?
Give a brief description of your site.
Briefly praise Frank J. and IMAO. Name favorite post.
What's your favorite movie?
Which Simpsons character do you most identify with?

SHORT ANSWER QUESTION: In 200 words or less, describe how bombing Paris will help Uganda's economy.

You have 24 hours from this posting to get your answers e-mailed to me, Group B. And remember, you can't reveal to anyone your answer to the short answer question. Godspeed.

And, remember, don't be a playa hater; be a Super Lucky Happy Fun Permalink Contest Number One™ participator!

Rating: 1.7/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (5)
Email This | Add to del.icio.us | Digg this | StumbleUpon Toolbar Stumble It!
July 18, 2003
Super Lucky Happy Fun Permalink Contest Group A Answers (You Vote Now!)
Posted by Frank J. at 08:02 AM

I've upgraded by account just in time for the contest so that the poll won't have any pop-up ads. Anyway, let's get to the contestants.

Meet the Bloggers:

Adventures in Troubleshooting
* What is your preferred name as a blogger? Tom Bridge
* How long have you been blogging? In one form or another for just over two years. Began on LiveJournal (lj Username: cortana), continued on with Radio, now betatesting TypePad.
* Description of Site: Adventures in Troubleshooting is about my life, what I think is interesting, and what I think is funny. I write when it moves me, and not when it doesn't. I write about technology and Mac computers, as well.
* Praise for Frank J. and IMAO: Frank J is honestly one of the best humorists on the web. His In My World™ posts are frequently passed around our office and enjoyed by many of my coworkers. The fine line between the outrageous and the possible is equally danced around. As for my favorite post? Can I have two? If not, I'll just go with A Frank Guide to Homeland Security Alert Levels, since I live around DC, I get to deal with all sorts of dirty hippy protestors, and really dislike them. If I get a second favorite, it would be the introduction of Chomps.
* What's your favorite movie? The Usual Suspects
* Which Simpsons character do you most identify with? I'm gonna go with Sideshow Bob. Devious, hellbent on world domination, with a slight fetish for Gilbert and Sullivan.

ThisSide (named after the song by Nickel Creek)
* What is your preferred name as a blogger? LACAstronomer
* How long have you been blogging? Since Monday, February 10, 2003, at 1:05 AM
* Description of Site: My site is a basically a social conservative blog. It covers my views on issues like abortion, Affirmative Action, and the general downfall of morality. Also, whatever I happen to feel like talking about :)
* Praise for Frank J. and IMAO: Well, I have to say first of all the Frank J. is the funniest person on the internet. My favorite post would have to be, "In My World: Reading to Underprivileged Kids." Also any other In My World featuring Buck and Chomps.
* What's your favorite movie? The Lord of the Rings movies. This last one had better not disappoint me, cause if it does! (Homer Simpson like fist shake)
* Which Simpsons character do you most identify with? Despite my above fist shake, I'd have to say Ned Flanders, cause I like his outlook on life. He sees that the morality of the world is rapidly declining, but he doesn't really let it get to him. I wish I could do that. Also, he's like America, cause he always does good things for everyone and no one is ever grateful.

Note-It Posts
* What is your preferred name as ablogger? Dana. What can I say; I have no imagination, and no fear.
* How long have you been blogging? Since June 29, 2003, but I've been writing an online journal (http://www.2frogs.net) since December 98.
* Description of Site: The (admittedly lame) description from my site is "Thoughts and commentary on whatever attracts my interest. Politics, current events, quilting, scrapbooking, photography, movies, music - it might be about anything." I'm going to change it, though, to something pithier when I... well... think of something pithy.
* Praise of Frank J. and IMAO: Ooh, already did! In the spirit of bloghood, check it out: http://noteitposts.blogspot.com (second entry for July 15th... my direct links don't work. *sob*)
* What's your favorite movie? When Harry Met Sally
* Which Simpsons character do you most identify with? Marge. Sure, she seems shy and unassuming and matronly at first, but I say she's hiding something. I mean, think about it - have you ever heard the way she says, "Oh, HOMie!" when they're gettin all hot and bothered? And what's she hiding in that hair? Plenty of room for whips and chains. I think there's a biker chick lurking under that cool, naive exterior. That's me. ;)

Angelweave
* What is your preferred name as a blogger? hln
* How long have you been blogging? I've been blogging since early April of this year. I started a week after my husband (stlbrianj.blogspot.com) decided to give it a whirl because it seemed to be something he enjoyed, and I've always been a writer - I'm often posting interesting things on the message boards at
work; the blog has become a new hobby in the few short months I've been working at it.
* Description Site: I'm not very politically oriented in my posts. I prefer to discuss health, exercise, personal anecdotes (often involving health and exercise), and gross violations of what my moral code calls "personal responsibility." I also make fun of PETA at any opportunity. The site ranges
from irate rants to goofball whimsy.
* Praise for Frank J. and IMAO: IMAO (hence, Frank J.) cracks me up. I had "If you see in the sky a red planet with two polar caps, that's Mars, not SARS. DO NOT shoot it down." as my MSN IM name for a good week, and "Probably that kid, he's France" as my MSN IM name for a month (laziness, really). Instead of a favorite post, I have a favorite group of posts - the Fun Facts. I share those with coworkers.
* What is your favorite movie? Princess Bride. "We are men of action; lies do not become us."
* Which Simpsons character do you most identify with? Definitely Lisa. Lisa's musical and is often the voice of reason. She also likes animals.

Proveritate (latin for for the truth)
* What is your preferred name as a blogger? Dave
* How long have you been blogging? A year and a week.
* Description of Site: A principled review of current events by an eighteen year old living in metro Detroit.
* Praise Frank J. and IMAO: Frank J runs one of the most humorous web sites in the world. I'm glad he is bringing the truth to the world stage with his lies about Glenn Reynolds. There are too many funny posts to pick from, so I'm going to throw those out and pick the post where Frank J. provides a link to my blog, it's awesome.
* What's your favorite movie? The Rock
* Which Simpsons character do you most identify with? Krusty the Clown

Advanced Combo Tricks and Ramblings of SilverBlue did not respond in time.

Of the five, here are their responses to the questions in random order (so you don't know who wrote which). As I said, revealing who wrote which is cause for disqualification.

QUESTION: Describe a situation or crisis in which Aquaman would be a great superhero.

ANSWER 1: Seeing as Aquaman is a pretty enormous pansy, I think it would have to involve the French sinking Bikini Atoll into the Pacific, and Aquaman whipping their asses like so many rented mules. Since, well, even Aquaman could whup the French, and they'd just surrender anyway, I'm not even sure that qualifies Aquaman as a superhero, since it requires that he only fight the French. So I guess there isn't a situation where Aquaman is a superhero.

ANSWER 2: Geeez, Frank, I mean, don't make it too EASY for us or anything. (yes, that's sarcasm) Hmmm..... ok... here's my answer: Saddam Hussein has hidden his weapons of mass destruction in leaky oil barrels up and down the lengths of the Tigris and Euphrates Rivers. Because of his amazing power to communicate with sea animals, Aquaman discovers the locations of these barrels and relays them to Allied Central Command. Not only has Aquaman managed to clear up the mystery surrounding these materials, he has single-webbed-handedly arranged the cleanup of the resultant water pollution. He does so employing the amazing filtering capabilities of a species of jellyfish known to no one else except (dun-dun-DUNNNNN) Aquaman!!!

ANSWER 3: Aquaman should be living in the Asian country of Bangladesh. If you read the factbook it says this about Bangladesh's natural hazards, "much of the country routinely flooded during the summer monsoon season." Aquaman would have his very own season as the monsoons and the Indian Ocean drown the country. Plus he'd save hundreds in a single day since Bangladesh has a tendency to pack 600 plus people on a ferry which then promptly capsizes. Bangladesh is the perfect place for Aquaman to show off his superhero skills.

ANSWER 4: Aquaman can best excel by using his powers to make
money (and, of course, spend money to stimulate the
economy, but we'll not cover that here). Here are some of the ways Aquaman could render service. He'll never starve! He'll never be bored in a job!
1) Head Trainer at Sea World
2) Dunk-Tank Demonstrator/Salesman
3) Navy Seal
4) Professor of Underwater Basket Weaving
5) Olympic Athlete, distance events (Money comes from later endorsements)
6) Water-based security guard for Sealand
(http://www.sealandgov.com)
7) Geological Consultant - photographing the Marianas Trench
8) Working for Greenpeace - thwarting longline swordfish operations
9) Titanic artifact recovery
10) Reporter for Siren (http://www.siren.sut.org.uk/main.htm)
And, to keep himself on the positive side of the ever-scrutinizing public eye, Aquaman's community service of note would be to summon all of the still-living starfish lying on the beach back into the ocean. If that's not enough, he could make public appearances to unbeach whales.

ANSWER 5: When you're fighting the French. Underwater.

Now everyone vote for your favorite answer to the question. The voting results will be hidden until after the poll is closed to add to the aura of mystery.

POLL CLOSED (results here)

Thanks to everyone for participating in Round 1 of this seven round event.

Rating: 2.4/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (18)
Email This | Add to del.icio.us | Digg this | StumbleUpon Toolbar Stumble It!
July 17, 2003
New Super Happy Fun Schedule!
Posted by Frank J. at 06:42 PM

I've condensed the schedule, as it did seem a bit ridiculous to take a month to reward someone what I used to hand out to anyone who e-mailed me. Anyway, I just hope everyone has fun in this contest and, in the least, gets some traffic out of the deal.

The deadline approaches for Group A, and two blogs have yet to submit their answers...

Rating: 2.2/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (10)
Email This | Add to del.icio.us | Digg this | StumbleUpon Toolbar Stumble It!
Super Lucky Happy Yadda Yadda Update
Posted by Frank J. at 12:12 PM

I think I'm going to try and condense the permalink competition schedule a bit. This won't affect Group A, but Group B will probably be getting their questions Monday morning. If I change it, I'll post the changes tonight.

I also have a great idea for another competition afterwards, but that will have to wait.

Rating: 2.6/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (7)
Email This | Add to del.icio.us | Digg this | StumbleUpon Toolbar Stumble It!
July 16, 2003
Super Lucky Happy Fun Permalink Contest Number One Starts Now!
Posted by Frank J. at 08:01 PM

Man, this is a lot of work for one permalink, and I'm just talking about my side to organize this. I decided to sweeten the pot a little, in that the winner will not only get added permanently to my regular blogroll, but get a spot at the top also right under Rachel Lucas and above Liberal Assclown. Plus, the winner can fives times send me a post and it automatically goes to the top of that day's Links of the Day™.

Anyway, using random numbers from random.org, here are the six groups (three of seven and three of six):

Group A:
Proveritate: A Principled Review of Current Events
This Side
Advanced Combo Tricks
Note-It Posts
Ramblings of SilverBlue
Adventures in Troubleshooting
Angelweave

Group B:
Ordinary Galoot
Tiger Raggin' & Rantin'
The Wise Man Says
The Stormin' Mormon
Serenity's Journal
Experimenting with Mental Exhibitionism
Wince and Nod

Group C:
Collinization
Mike
Blog of Xanadu
Mamamontezz's Mental Rumpus Room
Uncategorical
Modular Parrot
Bloviating Inanities

Group D:
Curiosity
Practical Penumbra
The Voodoo Lounge
Little Miss Attila
Happy Furry Puppy Story Time with Norbizness
Over the Edge

Group E:
Who Tends the Fires
Think About It
A Little Aardvark Never Hurt Anyone
A Lone Paladin in Good Company
Ambient Irony
Beth's Contradictory Brain

Group F:
Blather Review
Jennifer's History and Stuff
Right of Center
Bad Money
Kaedrin
One Little Victory

And here is the schedule:

NOW Group A Gets question
7/17 Thursday night Group A answers are due
7/18 Friday morning poll is posted of Group A answers
7/21 Monday morning poll closes and Group B get questions
7/22 Tuesday morning Group B answers are due
7/22 Tuesday night poll is posted of Group B answers and Group C gets questions
7/23 Wednesday night poll closes and Group C answers are due
7/24 Thursday morning poll is posted of Group C answers and Group D gets questions
7/25 Friday morning poll closes and Group D answers are due
7/28 Monday morning poll is posted of Group D answers and Group E gets questions
7/29 Tuesday morning poll closes and Group E questions are due
7/29 Tuesday night poll is posted of Group E answers and Group F gets questions
7/30 Wednesday night Group F answers are due
7/31 Thursday morning poll is posted of Group F answers
8/1 Friday morning poll closes
8/4 Monday morning finalists gets questions
8/5 Tuesday morning finalists answers are due
8/5 Tuesday night poll is posted of final answers
8/6 Wednesday night poll closes
8/7 Thursday morning, winner is announced!

Winners are announced an undetermined time after each poll closes, and poll results will be hidden while the poll is running.

Anyway, here are the questions for Group A. They are to be e-mailed to me, and no one can reveal what his or her answers is to the short answer question as the voting is to be blind to who wrote it. If anyone reveals on their site or elsewhere which entry they wrote, they will be disqualified.

GROUP A QUESTIONS:

What is the name of your site?
What is your preferred name as a blogger?
How long have you been blogging?
Give a brief description of your site.
Briefly praise Frank J. and IMAO. Name favorite post.
What's your favorite movie?
Which Simpsons character do you most identify with?

SHORT ANSWER QUESTION: In 200 words or less, describe a situation or crisis in which Aquaman would be a great superhero.

Answers are due 24 hours from this posting. Godspeed.

Rating: 2.1/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (16)
Email This | Add to del.icio.us | Digg this | StumbleUpon Toolbar Stumble It!
Permalink Contest Update
Posted by Frank J. at 09:09 AM

I will have split all the contestant up into groups and will have the list of groups plus the first group's question posted tonight. They will then have 24 hours to respond, and then the vote will be up the next morning.

Also, I recommend everyone check out the list of blogs to see the different ways everyone handled their link for my most scientific experiment. Thanks for everyone who is participating, and I remind you it has to stay up for a week or so for Google to catch it.

Rating: 2.2/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (11)
Email This | Add to del.icio.us | Digg this | StumbleUpon Toolbar Stumble It!
July 15, 2003
Super Happy Lucky Fun Permalink Contest Number One (Plus Very Scientific Experiment Everyone Can Help Out In)
Posted by Frank J. at 12:48 PM

I didn't want to make this contest for a permalink a long drawn out affair, but more people opted in than I expected. Thus I am going to draw it out a bit so that each blog has a chance in the spotlight. I will randomly divide the blogs into groups, one group competing at a time. Each blogger will have an opportunity to describe his or her blog, and then answer a short answer question. Readers will vote on the best answer. The winner from each round will then compete in one final round, the winner of that getting the coveted permalink of no monetary value. Here are the blogs I have listed as competing:

The Voodoo Lounge
Blather Review
The Stormin' Mormon
Think About It
Mike
Jennifer's History and Stuff
A Lone Paladin in Good Company
Note-It Posts
Practical Penumbra
Collinization
Advanced Combo Tricks
Adventures in Troubleshooting
Mamamontezz's Mental Rumpus Room
Tiger Raggin' & Rantin'
GrahamLester.com
Happy Furry Puppy Story Time with Norbizness
Right of Center
Proveritate: A Principled Review of Current Events
Beth's Contradictory Brain
Experimenting with Mental Exhibitionism
Serenity's Journal
ColoradoPsycho.com
The Wise Man Says
Ambient Irony
Ordinary Galoot
Angelweave
A Little Aardvark Never Hurt Anyone
Bloviating Inanities
Ramblings of SilverBlue
Modular Parrot
Bad Money
Little Miss Attila
Kaedrin
This Side
Wince and Nod
Blog of Xanadu
One Little Victory
Curiosity
Who Tends the Fires

If I left anyone out, please notify me. But, before the competition, everyone must help me in a scientific experiment first.

Before I get to that though, I want to clear something up. I acted jokingly mad at Instapundit for not linking to me on my blogiversary, and then I had people e-mail him hate mail as a joke. He then used that as another opportunity to not link to me, and also insulting called my readers "spambots". That would seem to make me angry, but it is all in good fun (who ratted me out, though?). I actually respect Glenn Reynolds very much, and am proud to have a permalink on his page. He was an inspiration for me making my own blog.

That said, onto scientific experiment!

Scientific Experiment! (very scientifical)

Google puts a lot of weight on what words are used in a hyperlink to link to someone. People exploited this to make Microsoft the number of item returned when searching for "go to hell" by many people linking to Microsoft with the words "go to hell". This doesn't work anymore, as Google seems to have changed the rules. As I pointed out yesterday, while Google does take text in the hyperlink into account, it will not return an item in the search query unless one of the terms being searched for actually appears on the page and not just links to that page. Thus comes my theory:

Frank's Very Scientific Google Search Theory: If many people link to a page with one word that appears on that page and one word that doesn't, that page will become the first item returned by Google for the phrase made of the two words.

Now we must experiment to prove this. First, I'll need a page to link to. Let's randomly pick one from my blogroll... ah, Instapundit. We'll use that page.

Now let's find a word that is always on his mainpage... "Liberal". That is always on there since he links to the Armed Liberal.

Now I'll use my random word generator to pick a random word that is not normally on his main page... "Assclown". Hmm, that's an interesting word. It will work perfectly for this experiment.

Now all we need is lots of webpages to link to http://www.instapundit.com with the phrase "Liberal Assclown" (e.g. Liberal Assclown). And the links must stay up for a week or so for Google to read in all the new data. If enough people do it, next time we search for "Liberal Assclown", Instapundit.com will be returned.

So, spambots, here are your orders. Put a link to Instapundit on your mainpage (not just in a post), the hyperlink text being "Liberal Assclown" (I have mine up right under Rachel Lucas on my blogroll). You don not have to remove your normal link to Instapundit if you have one. You have 24 hours to do this, or you are out of the competition (unless you have a note from your doctor or tech support saying that you weren't able to put up a link). Everyone else with a blog or other webpage is invited to help out in this scientific experiment of extreme scientificness. Make sure your webpage is submitted to Google for scanning. The more people that join in, the more scientifical this venture will be.

Isn't science fun!

Rating: 2.2/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (43)
Email This | Add to del.icio.us | Digg this | StumbleUpon Toolbar Stumble It!
July 13, 2003
Who Wants a Permalink?
Posted by Frank J. at 02:06 PM

I used to approve pretty much any link exchange, but now my blogroll is too large and I'm too big and important. As Stephen Den Beste had said before, permalinks don't really bring you more traffic, but I still think they are important as a status symbol. So I came up with this great idea: why don't I have people compete over a permalink on my site!

Here's the deal. I'll come up with a short answer question, and people competing for the permalink will then write answers to it. I will then post all the answers and have people vote on the best one. I will say what blogs are competing, but I will not say who wrote which. If someone reveals which one they wrote, they are disqualified (this keeps blogs which already have a decent amount of traffic from trying to tip the scales). If you are interested, post in the comments section along with your blog URL. Anyone already on my links page is disqualified (only Rachel gets multiple links).

As always, if you just want to get on my Links of the Day post, feel free to e-mail me a post anytime you feel particularly proud of one. Best done during the weekdays when I have less time to read and find links anyway.

Rating: 2.2/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (46)
Email This | Add to del.icio.us | Digg this | StumbleUpon Toolbar Stumble It!
 

Buy IMAO T-Shirts


IMAO T-Shirts

The IMAO T-Shirt Babe
(winning picture) YOU BUY NEW SHIRTS NOW!!!
Yay! Books!





Capitalism
Archives
By Category
24
American Idol
Aqua-Adventures
Barackalypse Now
Best of IMAO 2002
Best of IMAO 2006
Bite-Sized Wisdom
Editorials
Election 2008
Filthy Lies
Frank Answers
Frank Discussions
Frank on Guns
Frank Reads the Bible
Frank the Artist
Fred Thompson Facts
Friday Cat-Blogging
Fun Trivia
Hellbender
Hellbender Take Two
Hillary Clinton Terrible Truths
Humor
I Hate Frank
If I Were President
ignis fatuous
IMAO Condensed
IMAO Exclusives
IMAO for the Non-Deaf
IMAO Reviews
IMAO Think Tank
In My World
In My World - Fan Fiction
John Edwards Fabulous Facts
Know Thy Enemy
lolterizt
Michael Moore
Mitt Romney Ads
News Round-Up
Newsish Fakery
No, McCain't
Our Military
Permalink Contest
Precision Guided Humor Assignments
Ron Paul, Ron Paul, Ron Paul
Ronin Profiles
Ronin Thought of the Day
SarahK's TV stuff
Scary Evil Monkey
Simpsons Trivia
Songs & Poems
State of the Frank Report
Superego
Totally True Tidbits
WEsistance Is Facile
Why Me Laugh?
Yvonne's Ashes
By Month
December 2008
September 2008
August 2008
July 2008
June 2008
May 2008
April 2008
March 2008
February 2008
January 2008
December 2007
November 2007
October 2007
September 2007
August 2007
July 2007
June 2007
May 2007
April 2007
March 2007
February 2007
January 2007
December 2006
November 2006
October 2006
September 2006
August 2006
July 2006
June 2006
May 2006
April 2006
March 2006
February 2006
January 2006
December 2005
November 2005
October 2005
September 2005
August 2005
July 2005
June 2005
May 2005
April 2005
March 2005
February 2005
January 2005
December 2004
November 2004
October 2004
September 2004
August 2004
July 2004
June 2004
May 2004
April 2004
March 2004
February 2004
January 2004
December 2003
November 2003
October 2003
September 2003
August 2003
July 2003
June 2003
May 2003
April 2003
March 2003
February 2003
January 2003
December 2002
November 2002
October 2002
September 2002
August 2002
July 2002
March 1933