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Precision Guided Humor Assignments Archives

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August 23, 2006
Terrorist Awareness Quiz
Posted by Harvey at 09:35 AM

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

I think it's wonderful that citizens are aware of the terrorist threat, but recently there have been several false alarms turned in by folks who obviously aren't qualified to spot terrorists. For example:

Cargo containerfull of explosives in Seattle! ... just dirty rags.

1000 cell phones bought by Arabs for explosive triggers!... just buying them cheap to re-sell later.

Crazed jihadi hijacks plane with napalm!... just a claustrophobic grandmother with a jar of vaseline.

Are YOU qualified to spot terrorist threats? Take this short quiz and find out:

1. 12 men are huddled together whispering to each other. They are.
a) Terrorists
b) A football team about to get a 5-yard penalty
c) The Disciples killing time waiting for Jesus to get back from Starbucks with their morning coffee.

2. Someone sits at a workbench, alternately mumbling curses and prayers to himself as he sticks wires into high explosives. This is:
a) Terrorist activity
b) Just another day at Industrial Light & Magic
c) The ever-optimistic Wile E. Coyote

3. An angry, bearded man shakes his fists and ululates at the sky. He is:
a) A terrorist
b) Harvey stepping on a nail
c) Al Gore giving a speech

4. A stray dog wanders up to you as you sit at an outdoor cafe. You should:
a) Suspect that terrorists have strapped explosives to it
b) Change tables - your shoes are both expensive and not drool-proof
c) Angrily send the dog back into the kitchen, complaining that you specifically ordered "well done".

5. You see a piece of unattended luggage at the airport. It's probably:
a) A terrorist's explosive device
b) A clue in some stupid race-around-the-world reality show
c) Odo doing undercover work

6. Middle-Eastern men are taking surreptitious camera-phone pictures near a national landmark. They are:
a) Gathering intelligence for a future terrorist attack
b) Just dorky tourists who are too cheap to buy a REAL camera
c) Gathering photos for later uploading to their hotnakedankles.com porn site

7. You open a package and notice a white, powdery substance. This is a case of:
a) A terrorist anthrax assault
b) The post office brutally mishandling your order of Enzyte
c) You forgetting to wash your hands after scattering lime over the shallow graves in your basement

Score as follows:

a - 1 point
b - 2 points
c - 3 points

Grading:

1-6 points: Either you suck at math or you skipped a question.

7-11 points: You're far too twitchy to be trusted with our national security. Lock yourself in a closet with a Louisville Slugger, ya big scaredy-cat!

12-16 points: Your finely-honed sense of danger is balanced with a generous dollop of common sense. America needs more people like you. An Army recruiter will be contacting you shortly.

17-21 points: Fictional characters? Dog-eating? Hiding bodies? You're a criminally insane psychotic freak. A danger to yourself and others. A Marine recruiter will be contacting you shortly.

22 or more points: CHEATER!

So... how did you do?

NOTE: Please be aware that scoring 22 or more points may cause you to be contacted by the DNC's "Get Out the Vote" committee.

Rating: 2.9/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (11)
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August 16, 2006
Reuters News Flash!
Posted by Harvey at 09:58 AM

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

"After yet another vicious, unprovoked Israeli attack, the victims..." Oh, come ON, Reuters! You're not even trying anymore!

Rating: 2.9/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (2)
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August 10, 2006
The New Cuba
Posted by Harvey at 08:14 AM

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

With his brother in the hospital, Raul Castro has wasted no time shaking things up in the country he now controls. In a mere 10 days he's made several notable changes in Cuba:



* Relaxing the ban on American corporations. Even going so far as personally pinching the ceremonial first ass at the new Havana Hooters.

* Upgrading the country's numerous rusted out 1950's Chevys by installing broken 8-track players.

* Being more like Bill Clinton, except with better cigars and hotter interns.

* Growing himself a nice, bushy, dictator-beard, like Fidel, Saddam, and that ruthless bastard Santa.

* Guaranteeing the right of free speech to all citizens as long as they don't use the letter "e".

* Ending the program of automatic Cuban citizenship for the constant flood of American refugees washing up on their shores.

* Random beatings of political prisoners will no longer include hideous Ricky Martin background music.

* Replacing layers of filth encrusting the streets of Havana with more wholesome layers of crud.

* Replacing numerous giant pictures of Fidel with numerous giant pictures of hot IDF chicks.

* Legalizing the importation of Viagra from America so that he can resolve his "Cuban Missile Crisis".



He's still working on getting the Fidel Castro urinal sticker factory up and running, but production is expected to start any day now.

Rating: 3.6/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (2)
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August 02, 2006
Israel's Top Secret War Plans - Revealed!
Posted by Harvey at 11:21 AM

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

Figured I should follow the lead of the New York Times and start revealing Israel's covert ops, since it's the hip & trendy thing to do when a nation battles terrorists:



* Use uncircumsized bullets - the full metal foreskin provides extra stopping-power.

* Secretly plant an anti-Semitic parrot in Mel Gibson's house to make him look bad.

* Refer to the terrorists as "tar babies". If they get offended, apologize by saying "We're sorry if our thick Israeli accents made you cry-babies misunderstand what we said."

* Use the Force.

* Develop new head-exploding sonic weapon that transmits a focused beam of Fran Drescher's hideous voice.

* Refuse to negotiate for the release of hostages, but hint that they might be willing to haggle a bit.

* Institute policy of deliberately targeting innocent Lebanese civilians who get paid by Hezbollah to fire rockets into Israel.

* Have IDF stop toying with the terrorists and switch their swords to their right hands.

* Threaten terrorists with ICBM's (Intercontinental Ballistic Mohels)

* As Arabs try to push Israel into the sea, back up real quick and laugh when they fall on their faces.

* Feed Popeye some spinach and tell him Bluto is holding Olive Oyl prisoner in Lebanon.

* Kill terrorists 9 at a time with Ginsu Menorah.

* Get Kos to pick the terrorists to win.



By the way, revealing these secrets does NOT make me a terrorist supporter. I just think the terrorists have "a right to know".

...how they're going to die.

Rating: 2.8/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (10)
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July 26, 2006
Profit & Loss... Mostly Loss
Posted by Harvey at 09:35 AM

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

In a cost saving move, the New York Times will soon be printed on smaller sheets of newspaper, and will cut over 1000 jobs.

Apparently blabbing the details of secret anti-terrorism programs isn't the money-maker they thought it would be.

And this is only the beginning of the exciting changes at the Gray Harlot. A number of other cost-saving and revenue-enhancing moves are in the works:



* Switching to discount brand "Gee, Your Whiz Smells Terrific!" urinal cakes.

* Eliminating wasteful i-dotting and t-crossing.

* Dumping over-paid reporters and getting news from know-it-all cab drivers.

* Instituting firm "no seconds" policy when hosting DNC fundraising dinners.

* Siphoning ink from New York Post printing presses.

* Hiring street-corner squeegee bums to clean the Times Building's windows, and cutting their harness ropes just as they finish the top floor.

* Switching reporters to a flat salary instead of the current pay-per-lie arrangement.

* Refinancing mortgage on the Times Building and paying off those high-interest Mob loans.

* Switching from regular printer's ink to much darker Hudson River water.

* Explaining to their paperboys that, for a mere $20 a week, they'll "make sure nuthin' bad happens to that nice little bike you're ridin'... which would be a shame".

* Using regular newsprint instead of that fancy, quilted kind.

* Stopping unrealistic "news stories unchallenged by bloggers for 30 minutes, or it's free!" ad campaign.

* Firing their fact-checkers. They just sit on the computer playing solitaire all day, anyhow.

* Cease using William Hung songs as subscription order line hold music.

* Waiting until Democratic candidate bribe checks actually clear the bank before giving endorsements.

* Replacing boring news stories with hilarious "Fun Facts About the 50 States" pieces.

* Which would also increase the paper's overall accuracy quotient.

* Saving on expensive photographer's fees by replacing pictures of President Bush with royalty-free chimpanzee clip-art.

* Replacing ink-wasting word "insurgents" with shorter "dudes".

* Three words - Arthur Andersen Accounting.



With these changes in place, the paper should be back on its feet, in the gutters, and raking muck in no time.

Rating: 3.1/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (9)
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July 19, 2006
My Fault For Not Reading The Fine Print
Posted by Harvey at 10:59 AM

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

For some reason, I was always under the impression that the protections afforded to prisoners of war under the Geneva Convention treaty only applied to uniformed soldiers fighting for countries that signed the treaty.

Apparently you don't have to sign the treaty.

Or wear a uniform.

But who am I to question? The courts have reached deeply into this mysterious document and discovered rights for terrorists like Lance Burton yanking doves out of his ass.

I suppose the next time the question comes up, they'll find that terrorists have the right to:



* A box of sand so they won't get homesick. Used kitty litter is not an acceptable substitute.

* A supportive visit from Cindy Sheehan (non-conjugal), and a bite of her vanilla fast cream.

* A supportive visit from a goat (conjugal).

* A cell phone to vote for the "America's Got Talent" contestant of their choice and/or trigger an IED.

* A gasoline-soaked American flag and a Zippo.

* Only be forced to make license plates if they say "I H8 USA".

* A Rock hammer and a poster of Raquel Welch.

* An iPod loaded with that hideous, screechy, wailing music they like. Anything by Kenny G will do.

* Soprano sax?... Dude... that is TOTALLY gay.

* A turban, or at least a stylin' fedora.

* Weekly viewings of "Team America: World Police" so that they can hear someone speaking in their native tongue.

* Access to the Bush Administration's top secret war plans. A New York Times subscription is also acceptable.

* A Koran, a prayer mat, and a Jew to blame all their problems on.

* A replacement Jew if that one gets blown up.



I'm pretty sure that they're also entitled to a bullet in the head, and I think it's a shame our troops didn't provide that a LONG time ago.

Rating: 2.2/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (8)
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July 12, 2006
The Continuing Madness of Kim Jong Il
Posted by Harvey at 03:29 PM

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

So last week, North Korea launched some missiles, called the tests "a success" when one of the missile crashed into the sea after 42 seconds, declared that they have a right to ICBM's, and demanded one-on-one negotiations with the US.

Throwing things, lying, whining, crying... this isn't a nation, it's a tantruming toddler.

And like a toddler, North Korea and it's freakishly coiffed Grand Poobah of the Sacred Monkey Lodge (or whatever the hell his title is) will probably indulge in other bizarre behaviors designed to get attention. I speculate thusly on what Kim Jong Il might do:



Order pictures of a bikini-clad Helen Thomas to be painted on the noses of all North Korean fighter jets.

Change the country's name to "North Koran" to get more foreign aid from Muslim countries.

Accidentally drop his glasses in the toilet, then declare it to be a successful test of North Korea's "waterproof spectacle" technology.

Order airbags installed on all North Korean citizens to protect them from falling rocket chunks.

Tout Communism's documented success as a weight-loss plan. Move over Atkins!

Start doing press conferences in his bathrobe, which will keep "accidentally" falling open.

Actually read the Pajamas Media blog on a day when he hasn't been linked by it.

Call psychic hotlines and demand one-on-one negotiations with Miss Cleo.

Grow a matching poofy Hitler moustache.

Blame widespread starvation on an Internet Explorer security flaw.

Attempt to re-start production of the Edsel.

Attend official state military parades wearing a Hawaiian shirt, Bermuda shorts, black socks, and sandals.

Start answering the phone with "Ahoy-hoy?".

Teach the North Korean negotiating team the Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique.

Order his army into South Korea. When South Korea complains, he'll look surprised, smack his forehead, and say "I knew I should've had them take that left turn at Albuquerque!".

Shoot Superman in the eye just to watch the bullet bounce.

Call President Bush "an iron-willed, straight-shooting cowboy who doesn't take crap from anyone" in a tone of voice suggesting that it was an insult, then giggle when Bush looks confused.

Break wind, then say loudly, "I AM FARTICUS!".

Only appear in public wearing a coonskin cap.

Wait... I'm sorry, that's actually his hair. Nevermind.

Claim that he can't help his war-like ways, because he was orphaned as a baby and raised by wild landmines in the DMZ.



If we're REALLY lucky, he might hire Bill Keller as his head of national security, but that's probably just wishful thinking on my part.

Rating: 2.3/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (10)
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July 05, 2006
Half-Assed Protests
Posted by Harvey at 10:20 AM

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

Cindy Sheehan & Code Pink have started their "Bring the Troops Home Fast", where - in exchange for the following demands:

* The withdrawal of all U.S. from Iraq;

* No permanent bases in Iraq;

* A commitment to fund a massive reconstruction effort but with funds going to Iraqi, not U.S., contractors.

they promise to eat regular meals.

Amusingly, Sheehan's idea of a "fast" isn't the normal one of "no food, just water". It's "a diet of water, teas and juices". Possibly the occasional Wendy's Frostie, too, although I don't know if soquids are allowed.

And for those who aren't even willing to give up solid foods - no problem! You can join in the "rolling fast", where you only stop eating on designated days. Yes, you too can share quality hunger-time with such celebrities as Susan Sarandon, Sean Penn, Danny Glover, Willie Nelson and the Rev. Al Sharpton.

"Stop eating on a designated day"? Guess what, Lefty Idiots, that's not fasting, that's DIETING. Of course "Bring the Troops Home Diet" just doesn't have that martyr-like ring to it.

I imagine, however that this "fasting with food" concept will probably inspire other weak, watered-down protest efforts that require no real sacrifice and have catchy names and the phrase "for the Troops" added so it sounds like they're doing something noble. Maybe protests like:



Poop for the Troops - Use the toilet but refuse to flush.

Death March for the Troops - Don't use your remote control. Walk up to the TV and change channels manually.

Fine for the Troops - Return your library books late.

Hubble for the Troops - When you take vacation pictures, make them slightly blurry.

Hobble for the Troops - Walk around your house barefoot until you stub your toe on a piece of furniture.

Fresh Step for the Troops - Go an extra day before cleaning your cat's litter box.

Get Moore-On for the Troops - Just keep eating until you're as fat as Michael Moore. If you're already there, shoot for Ted Kennedy.

Matte Finish for the Troops - Next time you wash your car, don't wax it.

Agent Orange for the Troops - Stand on the grass right next to a "Keep off the Grass" sign. Move along smartly as soon as a cop yells at you so that you don't actually get into any trouble.

Butterfatless for the Troops - Switch to skim milk.

Burning in the Flaming Cauldron of the Desert Heat for the Troops - Set your central air one degree higher than normal.



Myself, I'll be participating in "Stifle the Dissent of Stupid Neo-Hippies for the Troops" where I'll be mercilessly violating the free speech rights of anonymous trolls by editing their comments to make them look stupid...er.

Rating: 2.5/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (17)
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June 29, 2006
Threatening World Peace
Posted by Harvey at 10:22 AM

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

The Pew Research Group conducted of survey European, Muslim, and other useless nations and concluded that most people consider the US to be a bigger threat to world peace than Iran's nuclear program.

Piffle.

Neither one of those is a significant threat to world peace.

You want to know what REALLY threatens world peace? I've got a list:



Ted Kennedy's driver's license

Global cooling warming temperature stagnation.

People cutting into my traffic lane when I'm not watching the road because I'm busy cleaning my gun.

Saying "Michelle Malkin sure is cute" when SarahK is in the room.

Spanish apes with legal rights. Is there no stopping the accursed monkey menace?

Selling cars so small that you'd be lucky to fit a single clown into them.

clown car.jpg

My wife changing my Google settings to "Safe Search". Doesn't she know that viewing nude olsen twins pictures is crucial to worldwide geopolitical stability?

Any operational printing press at the New York Times.

Toddlers holding chem warfare drills.

toddler chem warfare.jpg

Donald Rumsfeld buying a new pair of strangling-gloves and needing to "break them in".

President Hillary Clinton



Oh, and live terrorists. The US military REALLY needs to do something about that one.

Rating: 2.6/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (18)
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June 22, 2006
Less Offensive Terrorist Killin' Song
Posted by Harvey at 09:20 AM

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

A Marine wrote a song called "Hadji Girl" (video here, lyrics here) that was described as "contrary to the high standards expected of all Marines" by Marine Major Gabrielle Chapin.

Since Marines aren't known for their sensitivity, I have to assume that the objection was that it didn't have enough brutal terrorist-killin'. So to show my support for the Marines, I wrote a sprightly little ditty that's - hopefully - a little less respectful of bloodthirsty Islamofascists.

CONTENT WARNING: contains censored profanity, violent imagery, disrespectful references to terrorist sexual preferences, and other assorted not-very-niceness, so it's in the extended entry...

Read More...


Rating: 2.5/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (17)
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June 14, 2006
Alarm! Armageddon! Factoids!
Posted by Harvey at 03:31 PM

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

Recently Greenpeace wanted to say something nasty on the occasion of President Bush's visit to Pennsylvania promoting his nuclear energy policy.

Unfortunately, they sent out an early draft of the press release instead of the final document, and it contained the following:

"In the twenty years since the Chernobyl tragedy, the world's worst nuclear accident, there have been nearly [FILL IN ALARMIST AND ARMAGEDDONIST FACTOID HERE]"

Being a so-called "writer" myself, I just hate to see writer's block cramping someone's style, even if it IS a bunch of ecoterrorists so lame that they once got beat up by the French.

So here are some ALARMIST AND ARMAGEDDONIST FACTOIDS that Weeniepeace can use for their next press release:


... nearly three million square miles of rainforest decimated by President Bush. And that's just on his ranch:

bush_ranch.jpg

... nearly a a 35% increase in carbon monoxide emissions, mostly from Al Gore flying around the country shrieking about the dangers of global... something. It's hard to make out the words when he shrieks like that.

... nearly 15 million cases of leprosy in Iraq. Either leprosy or some other horrible disease that turns fingers purple. Probably due to depleted uranium dust. Or freedom. Both of which are known killers. You don't see North Koreans with purple fingers, do ya? I think I've proven my point.

... nearly 24 instances where Aquaman failed to save the world. Because he was weakened by toxic water pollution. If President Bush would keep dirty Mexicans out of the Rio Grande, this wouldn't happen.

... nearly 6 years of Karl Rove not being indicted. That's just CRAZY! It's like letting a rabid pitbull run loose around your neighborhood. A very Machiavellian rabid pitbull.

... nearly 3000 hurricanes - each with the force of hundreds of billions of tons of TNT - which have slammed into the coastal United States - killing millions of innocent minorities, women, children, and fuzzy kittens - while putting trillions of dollars into the pockets of Bush's oil buddies at Halliburton somehow.

... BUUUUUUUUUUSH!!!1!

... nearly a 10,000% increase in the number of prisoners being held at Guantanamo Bay since 2003. If current trends continue, even the prison guards will be imprisoned by 2012.

... nearly 50 people in Florida eaten by alligators because new nuclear power plants are being built, disrupting the delicate ecosystem of the alligator's natural prey - poodles.

... nearly 1 more dead Zarqawi, which has devastated the market for New Balance sneakers among the terrorist demographic.

... nearly a 300% increase in attacks by Ann Coulter, leaving thousands of innocent liberals dead or miffed.



By the way, if anyone can make out what Al Gore is shrieking, let me know.

Rating: 2.1/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (10)
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June 08, 2006
Michael Moore's Fundraiser
Posted by Harvey at 12:19 AM

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

Michael Moore is being sued for $85 million by a wounded soldier who was justifiably irked by Moore's unauthorized - and deliberately misleading - use of an interview he did with NBC. The way Moore made it look, you'd think the soldier was just another monkey-faced anti-war zealot, when nothing could be further from the truth.

If there's any justice in the world, Mikey's going to lose the suit. I mean, is it really too much to ask for America's deep-pocket-hating juries to accidentally do the right thing just this once?

Well, if they do, then that raises the question of where Moore is going to get $85 million, since everyone knows he's squandered all his movie royalties building a 300-foot, solid gold statue of a Twinkie, toward which he bows down to pray five times daily.

Surely, though, there MUST be someone in the Democratic party willing to hire a Goebbels-quality propagandist such as Moore to do a little creative cinematography?

I envision something like the following...



The screening of the new film ended. The houselights came up.

Michael Moore sat next to Hillary Clinton, nervously chewing his lower lip.

"Tastes like chicken," he thought.

Followed by, "I wonder if Hillary's lip tastes like chicken?... "

"Nah," he decided, "probably more of a strangled-kitten flavor."

At last Michael broke the uncomfortable silence.

"So..." Moore queried Hillary, "How'd ya like it?"

With eerie, ninja-like speed, Hillary grabbed Moore's collar and pulled his terrified face within an inch own rage-distorted countenance.

"This film," seethed Hillary, "was FIVE... HOURS... LONG!"

"To create a full-bodied artistic..."

"It shows me beating Chelsea with a coathanger!"

"Mild exaggerations were..."

"It shows me accepting a wheelbarrow full of cash - clearly marked "BRIBE MONEY" - from Jack Abramoff!"

"It was sort of allegorical..."

"It shows me smoking crack with Marion Barry while dressed in nothing but fishnet stockings and a steel-studded black leather teddy!"

"Some directorial license was necessarily..."

"IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A 30-SECOND SPOT FOR MY 2008 PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN!" shrieked Hillary, as she landed a vicious right cross that broke Moore's nose and then hurled him to the floor.

"Wait!" wheezed Moore, as Hillary stormed towards the exit, "I'm still getting my $85 million, right?"

Hillary paused... turned... considered... "Sure," she grinned, "you'll get what's coming to you."

"BRUNO!" Hillary called to her Secret Service agent, "Pay the man... Give him 85 million... in PAIN! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Is that some sort of Chinese currency?" asked Moore hopefully.

"Yeah," said Bruno, "it's Chinese... just like these here brass knuckles I'm wearin'... Here, have a closer look..."

Bruno paid the man.



Well, I don't know if Hillary ever got her campaign commercial, but I *did* see an interesting item on eBay recently:

(click to enlarge)

Anyone wanna go in on it with me?

Rating: 2.5/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (6)
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May 31, 2006
Things You Didn't Know About Jesse MacBeth
Posted by Harvey at 10:58 AM

(A Precision Guided Humor Assigment)

In order to make America look bad, Iraq Veterans Against the War hooked up with compulsive liar Jesse MacBeth, who made up wild stories of his adventures in toddler-slaughtering while he served in Iraq.

Only problem being that he didn't actually DO any toddler-slaughtering.

Because he wasn't in Iraq.

Or even enlisted in the US Armed Forces.

Ever.

However, one small fib (ok, THREE) shouldn't make you doubt Jesse's character. I'm sure that - thirty years from now - CBS will find memos that confirm his story, as well as some of the other claims he made during his startling video interview:



* While working for Hitler, he invented the Jewsy-Bake Oven.

* Personally light-sabered the entire village of Tusken Raiders who killed his mom.

* Told Natalie Maines what to say through a hidden earpiece during the Dixie Chicks infamous London concert.

* Worked as a boy-toy delivery driver for Michael Jackson.

* Spent days chumming the waters off Amity Beach right before tourist season.

* Manufactured O-rings for NASA.

* Programming code writer for the HAL 9000 computer.

* ...AND those twitchy A/2 series androids.

* Planned the Imperial defense of Endor's moon against the Ewoks.

* Stalked the streets of London as "Jesse the Ripper"

* While head elf for Santa, he would randomly remove kids' names from the "nice" list.

* "New Coke"

* Converted "Who Let the Dogs Out?" into a ringtone.

* Drove a tank at Tiananmen Square.

* Invented telemarketing.

* Was the first person to say to a Palestinian, "Ya know, if you pushed the Jews into the sea, you'd finally have your own homeland."

* Wrote "The Communist Manifesto".

* Killed the scientist who invented the 200 mpg carburetor.

* Designed the unpronouncable symbol by which Prince was known for 7 years.

* "Jar-Jar"



Despite that last one, I heard that Imperial Veterans Against Star Wars is STILL continuing to support him.

Rating: 3.0/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (15)
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May 24, 2006
Stopping Iran's Nuke Program
Posted by Harvey at 03:36 PM

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

Despite the European Union's numerous offers of flowers & candy, Iran's lunatic president Imabigdweeby (or whatever his name is) still refuses to stop enriching uranium.

Need to put a stop to that.

So I recommend sending in the Double Secret British Special Forces Commando Team to shut them down with some of their patented pacification techniques, which include such diverse elements as fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to World Peace, and possibly one or more of the following:



* Park a giant wooden rabbit outside the enrichment facility, then - when the Iranians bring it inside - they'll sneak out to open the gates for... RUN AWAY!!!

* Soundly ignore any and all Iranian complaints about dead parrots.

* Wear high heels, skip and jump, press wildflowers, put on women's clothing and hang around the gates of the facility waiting for a chance to sneak in and blow it up with the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch.

* Write a strongly worded resolution, wrap it around an arrow, and fire it into Imabigdweeby's bodyguard, Concorde.

* Burst into the enrichment facility, search it for cheese, and start shooting people if none is found. Starting with the bouzouki player.

* Taunt the Iranians.

* Taunt them a second time if necessary.

* Do something in their general direction, but only if it doesn't violate the Geneva Convention, because Amnesty International is like a freakin' pit bull on these sorts of things nowadays.

* Demand that the Iranians dismantle their nuclear program immediately. If they refuse, explain that you're very sorry, but you're not allowed to argue with them anymore unless they dismantle their nuclear program.

* Slap Imabigdweeby with a fish.

* Bomb the nuclear facilities, invade the country, kill the leaders, and steal their huge tracts of land.



If none of that works, I suppose we can always try giving the Nuts Who Say "Nuke!" a shrubbery.

Rating: 2.8/5 (12 votes cast)

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May 17, 2006
Donald Rumsfeld's Blog (updated 5-18-06 9:15am)
Posted by Harvey at 09:52 PM

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

Donald Rumsfeld was on the Hugh Hewitt show last week, and he mentioned blogs.

I hope that means he'll be starting one soon.

I mean, sure, he's done a great job as Secretary of Terrorizing Terrorists or whatever his title is, but he's also a great communicator and his talent is being wasted.

If nothing else, at least he wouldn't be a weepy little woman like Tony Snow.

Granted, it probably wouldn't be the BEST blog in the world - just lots of pictures of him strangling journalists and hippies and feeding their twisted corpses to Chomps - but I'll bet it would have a cool name, like maybe....



* Rumstapundit

* The Only Good Terrorist Is A Dead Terrorist, and the World Needs More Good Terrorists

* Shut Up! I'm Trying to Hegemonize!

* Hand Grenades In The Podium And Other Keys To A Successful Press Conference

* What Good Is Having Nukes If We're Not Going To Use Them?

* I TOLD You Not To Listen To Colin Powell!

* I Don't Want To Beat You To Death With Your Own Press Credentials, But I Will If I Have To

* Invade Their Country and Steal Their Oil - Solutions To Illegal Immigration

* KILL! KILL! KILL! - The Rumsfeld Doctrine Explained

* You Say "Torturing Terrorists" Like It's a BAD Thing

* Five Point Palm Exploding Heart and Other Love Poems

* I Like You. I'll Kill You Last

* I Miss Napalm

* I'm Only Wearing Glasses So That My Eyes Don't Jump Out of My Head and Strangle You

* Pale Rider's Adventures In Apocalyptic Horsemanship

* Kittens, Puppies, Rainbows, and Other Irritants

* Remember When I Said I'd Kill You Last?... I Lied



Or maybe he'll just go with IMAO (Immolate Mutilate Annihilate Obliterate)

Any other guesses?

UPDATE: Apparently it's called The Rumsfeld Strangler

Rating: 2.8/5 (9 votes cast)

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May 10, 2006
A Better Sentence for Moussaoui
Posted by Harvey at 05:37 PM

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

Some folks are upset that terrorist scumbag Zacarias Moussaoui didn't get the death penalty.

Personally, I don't think he deserved death. I mean, he didn't actually DO anything, right? As the great philosopher Sideshow Bob once said, "Attempted murder? Now honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel prize for attempted chemistry?"

Me, I think Moussaoui should become America's new symbol of Justice.

By which I mean he should be blindfolded, have a sword and scales placed in his outstretched hands, be encased in concrete, and placed in front of the US District Court in Alexandria Virginia.

The pigeons will take care of the rest.

Rating: 2.1/5 (8 votes cast)

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May 03, 2006
Dan Rather's Blog
Posted by Harvey at 09:17 PM

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

Recently rumors have surfaced that Dan Rather is contemplating quitting CBS and taking up blogging.

Now there's no mystery regarding WHAT he'd blog about - his cat, his colon, how much it sucks to be living in his daughter's basement - after all, he's lost without his teleprompter.

The only question is what he would call his blog. I speculate thusly on the possibilities:



* Rather Ironic, Isn't It?

* Speaking Half-Truths to Power

* Drink the TANG

* CBS Evening KOS

* I Am NOT Making This Up!

* Here's the Frequency, Now Stop Calling Me Kenneth!

* Delusions By Dan

* Democratic Underwear

* Funny Like Colbert, Except Not On TV

* I'm STILL Not Wearing Pants When I Sit Behind My Desk

* Now With Superscripts!

* Take A Memo

* Rather's Blathers

* Please Stop Fact-Checking My Ass

* The Ratherington Post

* How Much Is That Selectric In the Window?

* 43 Years At CBS and Not Even a Freakin' Gold Watch to Show For It - Cheap, Back-Stabbing Bastards!

* Oh Yeah? Well I Wouldn't Come Back Now If You Got Down On Your Hands and Knees and BEGGED Me!... Although I Suppose It Wouldn't Hurt To Try...

* D!scount V1agra! - The GoogleBait Blog

* Vast Mainstream Wing Conspiracy

* Courage - The Blog

* Authenticated Signatures, Journalistic Integrity and Other Oxymorons

* It's NOT Bush's Fault (Just Kidding)

* Crouching Liar, Hidden Agenda



He might also call it IMAOpodcast.com, since heaven knows THAT one's not being used.

Any other possibilities?

Rating: 2.5/5 (20 votes cast)

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April 26, 2006
Wrong Tony
Posted by Harvey at 09:40 PM

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

I was deeply disappointed to hear that Tony Snow got the job as White House Press Secretary. I can't believe that President Bush overlooked all the many other talented Tonys out there who would've made better picks:



Tony Hawk - Need to dodge a tough question? Just jump the skateboard onto the podium and do a Figure 4 Calf Wrap Flamingo Pretzel Plant Brain Surgeon with a Mute Grab 900 into the press pit. Reporters will be too dazzled, distracted, and/or wounded to ask a follow-up.

Fat Tony D'Amico - Didn't see nothin', and will have the offended reporter quietly piano-wired when no-one's looking. If questioned, will respond "What's a moider?"

Tony Bennett - Political spin is always more convincing when sung to the tune of "Fly Me to the Moon".

Tony Blair - "I'd love to answer that question, but it's tea time, so sod off!

Dr. Phat Tony - Will brutally taser any MSM joker who steps out of line.

Tony Dow - He probably wouldn't be good at dodging questions, but it'd be funny to hear the reporters start all their questions with "Gee, Wally..."

Tony Randall - Tough question? He'll just fake a sinus attack.

Tony the Tiger - Has an inarguable, two-word answer to any question regarding whether Bush's policies will be good for America.

Tony Stewart - "I can't hear your stupid question over the sound of my engine!"

Tony Danza - The only question he'll get is "Did you every 'Danza slap' Alyssa Milano?"



It'd also be cool to have Anthony Hopkins eat the reporters' livers, but he's not technically a "Tony".

Any Tonys I missed?

Rating: 3.0/5 (11 votes cast)

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April 19, 2006
Secrets of the WMD Trailers: REVEALED!
Posted by Harvey at 09:53 PM

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

Lacking any fresh mud with which to smear the Bush administration, the "unbiased" media is re-hashing old accusations of President Bush lying about WMD.

Ok, so maybe those two trailers they found in May of '03 weren't "mobile biological weapons labs", but I have a hard time believing the claims that they were used to "produce hydrogen for weather balloons". Why would Iraq need weather balloons? Does the weather report ever change over there?

"Today will be incredibly freakin' hot with a [random number] percent chance of sandstorms. After sunset, your camel will freeze his hump off".

Anyway, here are my half-baked lunatic theories on what those trailers were ACTUALLY used for:



* Mobile helium production facilities - Those goofy terrorists just love inhaling balloon gas and yelling "Durka! Durka! Jihad! Jihad!" in a funny Mickey Mouse voice.

* Coyote trailers - Just in case any Mexicans felt like sneaking across the border into Iraq to steal jobs from hard-working Islamofascists.

* Super secret Death Star Control Platform - SHHHHH! Secret! You no tell!

* Scott McClellan's retirement home - Needed something big enough so that his chubby ass wouldn't get stuck in the doorway.

* It's where Michelle Malkin goes to strangle kittens with piano wire and/or mince them into brownies - Think of it as Camp David for MegaBloggers.

* It's where Glenn Reynolds goes to... aw, YOU know...

* Stolen oil storage facility - Since they only found 2 of them, President Bush wasn't able to steal NEARLY as much oil as originally planned.

* He was warned about this by numerous retired generals, but did he listen? NO-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O!

* Originally designed as a Stupid Hippy Human Shield Transportation Device - Driven only once. Still can't get the smell out.

* Production facilities for Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream - Now you know where their delicious "Caramel Camel" and "Go Pound Sandies" flavors come from.



I was going to mention that they were also on Rumsfeld's "Things That Need A Good Nukin'" list, but - let's be honest - what isn't?

Rating: 1.3/5 (7 votes cast)

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April 12, 2006
Reuters Maintains Journalistic Standards
Posted by Harvey at 10:48 PM

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

In their eagerness to shout "Dismal failure!" about the war, the Reuters news service blindly swallowed claims by Iraqi terrorists that they had video footage of them capturing a downed helicopter.

Well, they DID have footage - unfortunately the time stamp on it was March 19, 2000, and it was probably of a helicopter crash in Afghanistan.

So I guess I shouldn't have been TOO surprised over their coverage of the latest criticisms of Donald Rumsfeld (in the extended entry)...

Read More...


Rating: 2.2/5 (7 votes cast)

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April 05, 2006
McKinney Supports Capitol Hill Police
Posted by Harvey at 09:05 PM

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

During a press conference today, Congresswoman Cynthia McKinney (D - Georgia) reiterated her support for the Capitol Hill Police.

"Those CHP are my favorite people ever," McKinney said, "I have all 6 seasons on DVD."

"Plus," she added, "you have to admit - Ponch has the dreamiest smile."

At this point Rep. McKinney was pelted with a barrage of rotten vegetables, leaving her unable to comment on whether she also supports Wilmer Valderrama's assumption of Erik Estrada's role in the movie scheduled for release in 2008.

Rating: 2.6/5 (8 votes cast)

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March 29, 2006
Protest Rallies - Opportunity for Inclusiveness
Posted by Harvey at 09:03 PM

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

A recent DC anti-war protest turned out some disappointing numbers for the screeching loony left, and I can't help thinking that they could REALLY improve their attendance figures if they made the events just a LITTLE more red-stater friendly. After all, liberals ARE about being open-minded & non-judgmental, right?

Since I consider myself a fairly typical warmongering, right-wing, gun nut, here's what they could do to get ME to show up to one of their little kook-keggers:



* More SUV parking

* More crazy naked PETA chicks [PG13]!

* I'd really enjoy a Dick Cheney hunter safety course, because every time I try to shoot a lawyer, I end up hitting a quail in the face.

* Sell "Ann Coulter Gone Wild!" DVD's

* Schedule the protest on a weekend so that the gainfully employed can attend.

* Ergonomic comfort-gel Sof-Grip protest sign-handles ("Just say 'NO' to splinters!")

* Free John Kerry silhouette shooting targets ("10 points for the important-looking hair!")

* Free Korans - I've got a wobbly table with a short leg at home.

* Free shampoo - which I'll gladly provide myself if they promise to use it. Seriously - who's the lunatic who told white people they could wear dreadlocks?

* Free Palestine - I always see booths offering it, but when I get there, they never have any. I wonder if it's like funnel cake?



Actually, I'd gladly attend one of those things - and even wave around a "No Blood For Oil!" sign - if they'd just do one simple thing:

* Ban braless grandmothers.

Anyway, what would get YOU to go to a anti-war protest rally?

Rating: 2.6/5 (8 votes cast)

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March 22, 2006
If Democrats Ran Iraq
Posted by Harvey at 09:06 PM

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

The new Iraqi Parliament that was elected last December has finally been sworn in, but - due to an egregious mix-up at the ballot box - it turned out that all those elected were actually American Democrats.

Vowing to "do for Iraq what Bushitler won't let us do for America", the new Parliament promised to do the following during its first 100 days:



* Outlaw use of the word "terrorist" - replace it with "person of murder".

* No more death penalty. Except for those who refer to a person of murder as a "terrorist"

* Also outlawed will be the phrase "camel jockey", unless it's used at an actual camel race.

* Or by a rap artist.

* It will be illegal to bow toward Mecca at a public school.

* Having a non-denominational "moment of bending" isn't acceptable either.

* No one will be allowed to draw cartoons of Jesus, Buddha, or Moses. However, the Iraqi government WILL fund artworks such as the urine-soaked holy book, "Whiz Koran".

* No cartoons of Cindy Sheehan, either, because her son died for George Bush's sins.

* BUUUUUUUUUUUSH! *shakes fist at sky*

* Floor sweeping will be forbidden in all bars and restaurants, due to the hazards of "secondhand dirt".

* Meanwhile, the tax on brooms will be raised another 50 cents.

* No one will be allowed to own a gun except for police and persons of murder.

* Camel spiders will now be considered an endangered species, and no oil drilling will be allowed in their habitats.

* Unless the oil is being sold to France, Germany, Russia, or China.

* All camels will be required to get an average of 28 miles per gallon of water.

* 38 for the economy 1-hump models

* Witnesses in court trials have to swear to tell the truth while placing their hand on a copy of "Heather Has Two Mommies".

* All of Saddam's old presidential Palaces will be re-named "The Robert C. Byrd Memorial Palace", followed by a Roman numeral.

* And stop nagging Senator Byrd to apologize for his Klan membership! You people are like a pitbull on a mailman's leg with that!

* All sand dunes will be made wheelchair accessible.

* The new Iraqi flag will be an upside down American flag with a picture of Michael Moore's butt on it.

* Women will have equal rights. To apply for these rights, they should send a resume to intern@cigarsinparliament.com.



Frankly, *I'd* be ok with all of these, as long as they make "Democracy! Whiskey! Sexy!" the new Iraqi National anthem. (explanatory reference)

Rating: 2.1/5 (7 votes cast)

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March 15, 2006
Bush's New Advisors
Posted by Harvey at 09:23 PM

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

[Caution - the second to last link in this post is rated NC17]

Hollywood asshats like George Clooney are full of bad advice when it comes to hunting down terrorists - usually it boils down to something like "Just ignore them and they'll go away... Unless they don't... in which case it's Bush's fault for not connecting the dots."

Now, I'm sure President Bush isn't actually listening to George Clooney, but he's getting bad advice from SOMEWHERE, because the terrorist body count is still under seven figures, there are no internment camps for either Muslims OR hippies, and Michael Moore has yet to be thrown into a crocodile pit.

As a courtesy to our Commander-in-Chief, I assembled a focus group to give advice on how to win the War on Terror. The executive summary follows:



Frank J. - "Nuke the moon."

Darth Vader - "Strangle annoying underlings to maintain discipline in the ranks. There's no reason why that jellyfish Colin Powell should've left the State Department alive."

Dick Cheney - "Aim for the face."

Donald Rumsfeld - "Hey! Vader stole my advice!"

Ann Coulter - "Invade their countries, kill their leaders, and convert them to Christianity."

Gandalf - "More Hobbits"

Michael Jackson - "Give the terrorists a little Jesus Juice, and they'll be ripe for the picking."

Jeffrey Dahmer - "Beat 'em with a mallet for a while, otherwise they'll be too tough and stringy."

Laura Roslin - "Throw 'em out the airlock."

Harry Potter - "I'm a pansy. Let Hermione handle it."

C3P0 - "I suggest a new strategy. Let the Wookie win."

Barney the Dinosaur - "Lots of hugs!... and explosives!"

John Cleese - "Wait... are these terrorists armed with bananas or raspberries?"

Satan - "Just get the Arabs high-speed internet access. They'll be too busy Boobling for pr0n to kill anybody... By the way, has anyone seen my autographed copy of 'An Army of Davids'?"



If anyone else has conducted a focus group recently, feel free to share excerpts from your executive summaries in the comments.

Rating: 2.5/5 (8 votes cast)

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March 09, 2006
Looks Like We Lost the War on Terror
Posted by Harvey at 02:36 AM

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

First, the Mainstream Media caves in by being too cowardly to print the Muhammed cartoons.

Could the fast food industry be next?

islamerking.jpg

I suppose having Whoppers made out of camel meat would be an improvement, though...

Rating: 2.5/5 (7 votes cast)

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March 01, 2006
Secret Weapon for the War on Terror
Posted by Harvey at 08:46 PM

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

According to this story, a slain soldier's widow successfully sued a guy who was giving money to Al Qaeda, which means that - thanks to one of the few lawyers not shot by Dick Cheney - the War on Terror is $102 million dollars closer to being over.

It occurs to me there's another underutilized American resource that could be put to work fighting Islamofascism - Pakistani cab drivers!

Picture this:



TERRORIST: Take me to government building where I can murder innocent people! ULULULULULULU!

PCD: I cannot please to be speaking your English! I get you hotel? Airport? Cocaine? Hookers? Durka! Durka!

TERRORIST: Jihad! Jihad!

PCD: Look Mohammed, I only talk that way to screw with the Yuppies. I don't actually speak your wacky Arab monkey-jabber durka-durka crap! Either take the broads & coke or get the hell out of my cab!

TERRORIST: Fine! I'll get someone else to take me! [gets out, slams door]

PCD: The only place you're going is between the treads of my Goodyear All-Season radials, you terrorist bastard! [sound of squealing tires]

TERRORIST: AIEEEEEE! *squish!*

PCD: USA! USA! USA!



God bless our patriotic geographically-imported transportation engineers.

Rating: 2.5/5 (7 votes cast)

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February 22, 2006
War On Terror Greeting Card
Posted by Harvey at 09:19 PM

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

Wandering about the greeting card aisle this last Valentine's Day, I was struck by the fact that there seems to be a card for almost every occasion.

Except the War on Terror.

It occurs to me that Hallmark could make a killing if they expanded their offerings a bit, for example:



The Osama Fatwa Card:

Infidels! You make me mad!
Praising Allah's not so bad.
You must do things Islam's way,
Listen now to what I say.

Pray five times toward Mecca town
Women covered with a gown
No more pork and no free speech
No bikinis on the beach

Obey me lest I chop your head
Blow you up, and make you dead.
I return to my cave now after that.
To dine upon this tasty rat.

YUM!

Love,
Osama



If nothing else, it'd save the terrorists the trouble of making all those badly-dubbed Osama podcasts.

Rating: 2.7/5 (9 votes cast)

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February 15, 2006
John Bolton's Peace Prize Nomination Papers
Posted by Harvey at 05:47 PM

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

I was tickled pink to discover that hard-core, ass-kicking US ambassador to the UN, John Bolton, has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize for playing a major role in exposing Iran's secret plans to develop nuclear weapons. To bolster his chances of winning, they also included a list of his other notable achievements:



* Author of "China Shopping For Bulls - The John Bolton Guide to Diplomacy"

* During 6-party talks on North Korea's nuclear program, shook down the other 5 parties for their lunch money

* Bolton plans to use the money to finance a mission to nuke the moon, pending the outcome of a copyright infringement suit filed by Frank J.

* Once caused a pigeon to explode in mid-air, just by looking at it.

* Kicked Paul Bunyan's ass and founded the "Bolton's Babe-Burgers" franchise.

* Due to lactose intolerance, had all lactoses rounded up and imprisoned at Gitmo.

* Led Lyndie England around on a leash while mocking her genitalia.

* Prefers to kill people with his bare hands so that he can look into their eyes and watch their souls leave their bodies.

* Eats newly-release souls to fuel the growth of his moustache.

* Hates working for the UN, since few of the ambassadors actually have souls.

* 'STACHE HUNGERS!

* Successfully went in against a Sicilian when death was on the line.

* While not related to Michael Bolton, John does have a better singing voice.

* Of course, who doesn't?

* Once made a rock so big that he himself couldn't lift it.

* The flood waters did not recede from New Orleans quickly enough, so John Bolton drank them.

* On Halloween, witches frequently go out dressed up as John Bolton to frighten liberals.

* Plans to silence whiny California hippies by kicking the whole state right into the ocean.

* Went hunting with Dick Cheney, but used 'stache powers to deflect the birdshot.

* Buys dead-squirrel toupees from the same store as Donald Trump

* Favorite saying: "I like you. I'll kill you last. And by 'last', I mean 'first'."

* 'STACHE HUNGERS!

* When his term as UN Ambassador expires in 2007, plans to decapitate all the UN delegates he hasn't already killed so that he can at last be THE ONE and claim THE PRIZE.

* Used Kim Jong Il's poofy head as a loofah.

* Until Captain Kirk, the Klingons had no word for "surrender". After John Bolton, they will also have a word for "pants-wetting terror".



Of course, they neglected his most notable accomplishment - never having mistaken an elderly lawyer for a small bird.

Rating: 2.5/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (18)
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February 08, 2006
SOTU-safe T-shirt
Posted by Harvey at 08:36 PM

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

During Bush's State of the Union Address, Gold-Star Mother and crazed anti-war activist Cindy Sheehan was kicked out of the event for wearing a T-shirt that said "2245 Dead -- How Many More?".

Meanwhile, Beverly Young - wife of Congressman C.W. Bill Young, (R-Florida) - was given the boot for wearing a T-shirt that said "Support the Troops Defending Our Freedom."

Let's see, can't oppose the war... can't support the war... surely there's SOME t-shirt that's non-controversial enough to not get you kicked out of the SOTU address...

Maybe this Fun Cat Trivia T-shirt...



* Cats have 18 toes - 5 on each front paw, 4 on each back. If your cat has 19 toes, that means it's male and you're an idiot.

* White cats with blue eyes are deaf. White cats with one blue eye are deaf in one ear. White cats with glowing red eyes are witches. Drown them in holy water.

* A cat's normal body temperature is 102° F. unless it's trapped under a pile of burning books, in which case it's 451° F

* Cats have no eyelashes, so don't be suckered into buying Maybelline's "Catscara".

* Cats are colorblind and thus oppose Affirmative Action quotas.

* A cat can jump 7 times as high as it is tall, which impresses everyone except Chuck Norris.

* Cats can survive falls from great heights because their paw pads are made from the same material as Roger Rabbit's head.

* An adult cat blinks an average of three times per minute - about the same rate that Ted Kennedy drinks.

* Some common household objects are fatal to cats, like Tylenol, philodendron plants, anti-freeze, and bullets.

* Cats have A, B, and O blood types, just like people, which makes them good bait for vampire traps.

* Cats don't think of themselves as little people, they think of people as large cats. Therefore, in order to establish your dominance over them, you should pee on your cat's head every so often.

* A cat's fur has a thick undercoat which causes it to make the same sound as a baby harp seal when you club it.

* To a cat, litter-box-filler appears to have the same texture as Rice Krispies. Protect your breakfast accordingly.

* The average cat has 40 whiskers, or 10 more than Frank J.

* Catnip has the same effect on cats as marijuana does on human beings. The feline equivlent of Pink Floyd and Twinkies is still, as yet, unknown.



Of course, if you're LOOKING to get booted from the SOTU, try:

"A Danish newspaper published my Muhammed cartoon and all I got was this lousy fatwa."

Rating: 2.6/5 (10 votes cast)

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February 01, 2006
Hamas: The First 100 Days
Posted by Harvey at 05:41 PM

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

Now that Hamas has been elected to rule the Palestinian Authority, they've outlined their agenda for the first 100 days of their administration:



* Fire guns into the air while shouting "ULULULULULULU!"

* Bury people who died from falling-bullet wounds. Blame deaths on JOOOOOOS!

* Throw rocks at JOOOOOOS! in retaliation.

* Realize too late how stupid it is to bring a rock to a gunfight.

* Attempt to be superior to all other Arab nations by raising an army that can't be beaten by a troop of Israeli Girl Scouts.

* Double the current Palestinian Authority spending on education programs by declaring that suicide bomber vests will now be considered "books".

* Scale back plans to push the JOOOOOOS! into the sea, by practicing on a pile of tiny pebbles.

* Get asses kicked by a pile of tiny Jewish pebbles.

* Give up attacking Israel and start with something easier to conquer, like France.

* Which will then become known as "Paristine".

* Attend formal dinner with Kim Jong Il, in celebration of the fact that he now pronounces the country's name correctly.

* Adopt new national motto of "Palestine - all the violent terrorist thuggery of other Arab nations, but without all the oil."

* Fly the new Palestinian flag (see extended entry)...

Read More...


Rating: 2.1/5 (7 votes cast)

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January 25, 2006
The New Democratic Code of Conduct
Posted by Harvey at 08:42 PM

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

Congressional Democrats will be attempting to grab the moral high-ground by making ethics an issue in 2006. Specifically, they want to introduce a new Congressional "code of conduct", hoping to take advantage of the public's perception of scandal over the Abramoff affair.

Sure, Harry Reid funnels money to Nevada churches, Nancy Pelosi is "suddenly" remembering $8500 worth of vacations provided to her by lobbyists, and there aren't enough pixels in the entire internet to list all the wild spinnings of Ted Kennedy's moral compass - but still, I'm sure there's a lot the Dems can teach us about being well-behaved, as illustrated by these fake (but accurate) excerpts from the new Congressional Code of Conduct:



* Don't vote for any bridge projects unless they include provisions for guard rails which can withstand the impact of a 1967 Oldsmobile Delta 88.

* The use of the phrase "President Bush" in a speech is forbidden unless the sentence also includes the words "liar", "Nazi", "failure", "warmonger", and/or "retard".

* Do NOT use tinfoil hats, as they've been shown to actually INCREASE one's susceptability to Karl Rove's mind-control rays.

* Prove how dangerous guns are by having your Secret Service bodyguard shoot people at random.

* Make sure he hits an Affirmative Action quota's worth of black people, lest you be accused of racism.

* Tell the victims' families that it was the Republicans' fault for not spending more on body armor.

* Don't take bribes. If someone offers you money in return for a promise to vote a certain way on a bill, that's a bribe. Just take the money and wink slyly - that way there's technically no promise involved, and it's considered a "campaign contribution".

* Avoid using the racist and offensive term "terrorist". Use "person of shrapnel" instead.

* Al Gore is NOT a piece of furniture - that's just his personality. Don't set your drink on him.

* If you do set your drink on him, at least use a coaster.

* Even if you just had a baby, don't offer a cigar to Hillary Clinton. It makes her twitchy for some reason.

* Carpooling can help save the Earth's precious, dwindling resources. Make sure there are at least two people in your vehicle at all times - for example, you and your limo driver.

* Whenever possible, shoot spitballs at that backstabber Zell Miller.

* If you accidentally put out his eye, blame the Republicans for not buying him body armor.

* True, body armor wouldn't have prevented an eye injury, buy your constituents are too stupid to figure that out, so there's no need to pass up a perfectly good opportunity to blame Republicans.

* Pointing out the resemblance between Nancy Pelosi and Michael Jackson will be grounds for censure.

* NO MORE CRYING!... [looking your way, Voinovich]



Of course, none of this will help once word of the Democratic mining scandal gets out.

Rating: 2.5/5 (16 votes cast)

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January 18, 2006
The Other Kennedy Book
Posted by Harvey at 09:30 PM

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

So Ted Kennedy wrote a children's book called "My Senator And Me: A Dog's Eye View Of Washington, D.C.":

ted book.jpg

The gimmick of this book is that it's written from the perspective of his Portuguese Water Dog, whose name is Amigo's Seventh Wave, but who (seriously) goes by the nickname "Splash".

Interestingly, Splash is also the author of "My Senator Didn't See Me: A Dog's Earful of Things I Overheard Ted Say", notable for such Ted quotes as:



"PPPPFFFFFTTTT! Who the F%$@ put WATER in my Evian bottle!"

"No, I just accidentally washed my cap in hot water. My head is NOT getting bigger."

"I did NOT call you "Alioto" because I'm drunk, I called you Alioto because... oh, wait... you're right... nevermind."

"Can we hurry this up? I got a limo full of booze, broads, & bribes double-parked outside."

"If you don't vote for this bill, I will PERSONALLY drive each and every one of you home!"



Also be on the lookout for Splash's new book, "My Senator And Me and Mary Jo: A Dog's Eye View of Chappaquiddick". Picture from the back of the dust jacket in the extended entry...

Read More...


Rating: 2.4/5 (8 votes cast)

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January 11, 2006
More Hollywood Propaganda
Posted by Harvey at 05:35 PM

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

While recoiling in horror at such anti-American/pro-terrorist Hollywood offerings as Syriana - a movie about evil US oil companies causing innocent Muslims to become terrorists - and Munich - a movie about innocent terrorists victimized by bloodthirsty Israelis, I found out that Michael Moore has been tapped to do another re-make of King Kong.

Movie poster in the extended entry...

Read More...


Rating: 2.6/5 (8 votes cast)

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January 04, 2006
Saddam For Kids
Posted by Harvey at 08:44 PM

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)
Everyone knows that if you're facing an almost-certain death sentence, the best way to avoid it is by writing a children's book to soften your image, just like Stanley "Tookie" Williams did.

Ok, that's a bad example.

But still, a tome for the wee ones IS the only ticket to freedom for a vicious killer. Without one, he's guaranteed a ride in Old Sparky. Just look at what happened to O.J.

Ok, that wasn't a good example either.

The point is that you can soon expect to hear about what a wonderful guy Saddam is once his bibliography hits the New York Times.

What's that? You didn't know Saddam wrote children's books?

Of course he did. Here's just a small sampling of his works:



* The Berenstain Bears Big Book of Burkhas

* Tyranny for Tots

* Curious George Invades Iraq

* One Fish, Two Fish, Dead Fish, JOOOOOOO! Fish

* Mommy Bakes Yellowcake

* Uday and Qusay Take a Bullet

* I Can Detonate My Own Vest!

* Horton Hears a Wahabbi

* Hide and Seek, Marco Polo, and Blind Man's Bluff: The Rainy Day Book of Fun U.N. Games

* Amelia Bedelia Beheads a Hostage

* Hassan Potter and the Half-Blood Infidel

* Little Camel Fluffy Toes and the Murderous Americans

* Are You There, Allah? It's Me, Fatima

* Little House on the Sand Dune

* My First Honor Killing

* Charlie and the Chemical Weapons Factory

* "Is That An IED?": An Explodey the Mouse Story

* The Tyrant, The Weasels, and the Warmonger

* The Poky Little Puppy and Other Unclean Animals

* Green Eggs and Hamas



If you know of any more of Saddam's books, leave the titles in the comments.

Don't call me with them, though. Those cowards at the NSA might be listening in.

Rating: 2.5/5 (5 votes cast)

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December 28, 2005
Putting the Extra Troops to Good Use
Posted by Harvey at 09:07 PM

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

Rummy says that the US plans on pulling 7000 combat troops out of Iraq in 2006. Mostly because Iraqi security forces will be trained up enough to do most of the terrorist-shootin' themselves by that time. Hard to believe it's taking them this long to improve their marksmanship, but apparently Iraqis have worse aim than Ted Kennedy approaching a bridge, so we just have to make do with what we've got.

Meanwhile, we'll have 7000 troops with nothing to kill, so we'll need to find something else for them to do until Iran mouths off one time too many.

Here are my suggestions:



* Send them to rescue those seven stranded castaways. It's been 41 years already. Let's bring 'em home.

* Rub salve on Frank J's rash.

* Invade France - one can hold the gun while the other 6999 collect white flags from all the trembling surrender monkeys.

* Since Democrats are all pissed off about wiretapping terrorists, we'll just have the soldiers stand next to the terrorists and eavesdrop, instead.

* Use them to re-connect that loose wire on your computer's motherboard.

* No, wait... that's solders. Nevermind.

* After the '06 elections, the DNC is gonna need some logistical support to deliver their extra supplies of special "weeping hankies".

* Have them walk around New York City and gut-punch every lazy, overpaid Transport Workers Union bastard that went on strike.

* Rebuild the levees in New Orleans.

* Preferably with the bodies of the lazy, overpaid Transport Workers Union bastards that went on strike.

* Get 'em all likkered up & suggest that it might be fun to try pushing the UN Building into the East River... "it'll be sorta like cow tipping!"

* Give them each a pointy stick and have them poke at Howard Dean to see if they can get him to make that funny sound again.

* Give them a Holocaust Cloak and a wheelbarrow and have them storm the castle.



Or maybe we could just buy 'em a beer & send 'em home to spend time with their families.

AFTER they finish with Howard Dean.

Rating: 2.4/5 (8 votes cast)

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December 21, 2005
The Truth About Iran
Posted by Harvey at 10:11 PM

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

Showing less self-control than a Democratic Underground troll hopped up on Red Bull and commenting at Free Republic, the President of Iran has recently made foolish statements such as "Israel should be wiped off the map", "the Holocaust never happened", and "developing a nuclear weapons program within flying distance of the Israeli Air Force is perfectly sensible".

To regain his credibility as "sane" in international diplomatic circles, President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad decided to publish a pamphlet of interesting facts about Iran. Even though I can't read the drunken-monkey-fingerpainting that passes for their written language, I'm sure that my translation is at least as accurate as any given CBS news report.



* Iran is a large, Middle Eastern country covering 600,000 square miles of territory just east of Iraq that REALLY needs to get beat up and have its oil stolen.

* Iran was originally settled by a busload of people who got lost on their way to a 7-11 Owners' Convention.

* Iran is ruled by the "Council of Guardians" who strictly enforce the Koran's edicts all across the land. Living in Iran is like the Muslim version of living at Ned Flanders' house.

* I guess that would make the US troops in Iraq like Homer Simpson.

* Mmmm... infidelicious...

* The Iran-Iraq border is still littered with land mines from the Iran-Iraq war. If you need to sneak across the border, bring a Mexican to show you how to do it right.

* Before the founding of the Muslim empire in the region in 700 AD, there used to be two other countries between Iran and Iraq - namely Irao and Irap.

* For 8 years, Iran battled Iraq to a standstill, a feat that the Americans were unable to duplicate for almost an entire day during the Gulf War.

* If something smells like the back end of a camel, it could be the front end of an Iranian.

* Although some people - mostly filthy hippies - say that Iran is no threat to us, I still find it suspicious that their initials stand for Islamic Radicals Aren't Nice.

* Soon to stand for Idiots Receive American Nuking.

* In a battle between Iraq and Aquaman, Aquaman would raise an army of jellyfish and... right... who am I kidding? The Iranians would chop him into lutefisk before he even hit the beach.

* Iran's national symbol is:

iran coat of arms.jpg

I have NO idea... a pole-dancing penguin wearing a Mario moustache, maybe?



Hopefully this information will encourage understanding and dialogue between our two nations, ushering in an era of peace that will last for centuries or until we finish stealing their oil.

Rating: 1.3/5 (4 votes cast)

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December 14, 2005
Just One Little Tweak
Posted by Harvey at 09:02 PM

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

The Patriot Act is coming up for renewal, and although it already contains many helpful tools for assisting law enforcement personnel - like the right to root around in your sock drawer without a warrant to see if you have a copy of "Bouncy Burkha Bondage Babes" magazine (as all terrorists do) - the law is lacking in civilian education programs.

Let's face it. Cops can't be everywhere (unless you're making an illegal U-turn), so it's important that EVERYONE knows how to spot a terrorist. Especially children, since they have keen eyes and big, tattling mouths. That's why I think the Patriot Act should include funding for printing up a fun and colorful - yet instructive - pamphlet to help people practice spotting Islamofascist deviltry.

In the extended entry, you'll find a sample page from "Where's Osama?"...

Read More...


Rating: 3.5/5 (4 votes cast)

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December 07, 2005
Maybe We're Better Off With The Silence
Posted by Harvey at 10:19 PM

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

Have you noticed lately that the MSM isn't doing diddly as far as reporting any good news from Iraq?

Me too.

So, given that there IS actually good news to be reported (as the weekly CentCom newsletter so amply demonstrates) I thought I'd share what I knew.

Interspersed - just for fun - with how I imagine your standard Liberal Media terrorist-coddling lapdogs would title the story.

Feel free to play along, if you'd like.



1. Completion of police stations in Babil, Basrah, Erbil, Kirkuk, Ninewa, and Salah ad Din Provinces, and a holding facility in Al Muthanna Province will provide approximately 250,000 people a safer environment and greater security as police operate from these improved facilities.

250,000 THREATENED WITH ARREST AND DETENTION IN IRAQ! WHO WILL BE BUSH'S NEXT VICTIM?

2. The completion of renovations to 12 schools in Baghdad, Basrah, and Al Anbar Provinces will equal a better learning environment and brighter future for over 7,200 Iraqi schoolchildren and 50 teachers.

US PROPAGANDA JUGGERNAUT ROLLS OVER IRAQI CHILDREN!

3. Over 29 km of new roads between Qadisiyah Province and Wassit Province will provide a safer travel route for farming villages to transport their crops to the market and reaching larger towns such as Baghdad.

BUSH FAILURE MAKES IT EASIER FOR ROADSIDE BOMBERS TO STRIKE!

4. 500,000 people annually will benefit from six renovated railroad station in Qadisiyah Province will provide protection from the environment while the passengers wait to board the train and for the stationmaster to schedule freight movements.

BUSH FORCES IRAQIS INTO OVERCROWDED TRAINS: EASY TARGETS FOR TERRORISTS INSURGENTS FREEDOM-FIGHTERS!

5. 150,000 residents between Baghdad, Ninewa, and Wassit Province now enjoy more reliable electricity as their 15 km of electrical power feeder were installed to local distribution substations.

IS BUSH PLANNING NEW "ELECTRIC CHAIR" TORTURE CHAMBER IN IRAQ?

6. 80,000 people between Maysan, Najaf, and Ninewa Provinces now enjoy potable water with the installation of three compact water units and repair of 27 km of water line.

IRAQI WATER MAY CONTAIN DEPLETED URANIUM: BUSH'S NEW PLOT TO POISON IRAQI BABIES!

7. Four border forts in Maysan Province and two border forts in Al Anbar Province will increase the security along the border with Iran and Saudia Arabia, allow for the proper training of the border police, and provide additional logistical support for border patrols.

BUSH'S IRAQI POLICE STATE: THE NEW EAST BERLIN?

8. The completion of a Port of Entry in Ninewa province will expedite the safe passage of thousands of vehicles and persons traveling between Iraq and Syria daily.

FASTER PASSAGE FORTERRORISTS INSURGENTS FREEDOM-FIGHTERS? BUSH SAYS "BRING IT ON"!

9. Fire stations in Al Anbar, Basrah, Diyala, and Kirkuk Provinces will increase fire security for 100,000 residents in local towns and provide an excellent training facility for firefighters.

100,000 IRAQIS LULLED INTO FALSE SENSE OF SECURITY IN SPITE OF MASSIVE FIRE THREAT!

10. Completion of cluster pump station is part of an overall project to restore water injection to pre-war levels. The water injection infrastructure is critical to providing adequate pressure on the oil reservoir in the Rumaylah field and has a direct impact on crude oil production output.

BUSH RAMPS UP THEFT OF IRAQI OIL!



As I suggested in the post title, maybe no news IS good news.

By the way, the CentCom newsletter is free, contains the stories the MSM doesn't bother reporting, and can be delivered to your inbox by clicking this link & leaving your e-mail address.

If you don't sign up, then the MSM terrorists will have won.

Rating: 2.5/5 (8 votes cast)

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November 30, 2005
A Review of Cindy Sheehan's New Book
Posted by Harvey at 04:15 PM

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)



Before I dive into the review, a note about Amazon.com. When I first posted the PGH assignment at Alliance HQ on November 24th, I noticed several 1-star reviews of Sheehan's book.

When I returned today, I noticed that all the 1-star reviews prior to November 29th had been removed. ALL of them. Even though 5-star reviews from as far back at Nov 17th are still there.

Anyway, here's a link to the list of reviews, lowest first. Currently there are 5 1-star reviews dated Nov 29 (you have to click the "next" link to get to where the 5th one is listed). If you guys could keep an eye on that and let me know if they start disappearing, I'd appreciate it.

UPDATE: When I started writing this post, there were 6 1-star reviews dated Nov 30. Now there are 5.

Just freakin' CREEPY...



Look, I *really* tried to read Cindy's book before posting this review, but I was too busy buying pants for British soldiers. Nevertheless, I managed to compile a few reviews from other noteworthy Americans, on the assumption that you'll be able to trust their judgment when it comes to choosing your reading material.

What could possibly go wrong?



Martin Sheen - "I love this book! In fact, I even sleep with it. Not in... you know... the Biblical sense... ok, maybe once. But I swear it was consensual!"

Michael Moore - "Great book. I ate a copy with some fava beans and a nice chianti."

Joan Baez - "Best. Book. Ever. I mean, if it weren't for this book, I wouldn't have my picture posted at Amazon.com?



Oh... THAT'S what.

Fine. Let's just cut to the chase. If Cindy's book were a dog, it'd be this one:

uglydog.jpg

Meanwhile, I'll quote you one last Amazon review:

After reading this book everyone should be able to realize how painful it is for a mother to live without her son, how oainful it for a wife to live without husband who is killed in war.

Of course, I'm sure some people don't need a book to realize that...

Not One More Mother's Child, indeed.

Rating: 2.0/5 (11 votes cast)

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November 23, 2005
Maybe They're NOT Crazy... Oh, Wait... Yes They Are
Posted by Harvey at 09:30 PM

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

So I keep hearing Democrats claiming that Bush lied about the reasons for going to war in Iraq - because he said that he knew that Saddam had WMD.

But then I find out that these same Democrats - or possibly others... I can't tell, they all look alike to me - were saying that THEY knew that Saddam had WMD.

Maybe they're crazy.

But then again, maybe there's another explanation... Let's see...



* Yes, they said those things a few years ago, but now they have amnesia because they fell down the stairs after fainting when their husband found out that they were pregnant by their ex-husband because they made love while being held prisoner on an island by an international terrorist, but only because they thought they were going to die and they turned to each other for comfort.

* Don't look at me like that - it happened on Days Of Our Lives.

* Latest talking points memo from the Abilene Kinko's was in a hard-to-read font - confusion ensued.

* Memo may have sustained water damage from riding in a car with Ted Kennedy.

* Ditto Ted Kennedy's memory.

* Of course, that might have been the gin.

* Or the Scotch

* Possibly the Sterno

* Clinton's quotes contain the word "is", so there's no way to tell what he really meant.

* They only said those things in the first place because President Bush drove up to their houses with a huge truck full of cash & hookers. Haven't we ALL had a moment of weakness?

* What the Democrats said doesn't count because they had their fingers crossed.

* They didn't say "Saddam has WMD", they said "Saddam has WMB", as in "Saddam has Wondrous Man Booty".

* Democrats are hypocritical weasels who will do or say ANYTHING to regain political power, regardless of any negative repercussions on the troops in the field.


Eh. I'm sure ONE of those is the right answer.

Rating: 2.7/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (11)
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November 16, 2005
I Question Their Patriotism!
Posted by Harvey at 09:22 PM

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

Some people question the patriotism of the Mainstream Media because of their incessant coverage of American casualties in the War on Terror and the way they'll flock to any random group of smelly hippies if there's a "No Blood For Oil!" sign in their midst.

Or print up a sign for them, if there isn't one handy.

But I don't think that "unpatriotism" is a fair verdict to hand down. They don't make the news, they just report it. It's not like they're actually out shooting our troops in the streets of Baghdad.

Sure, that's only because journalists are pansys who can't muster the umph to cover the 4 pounds of pressure needed to pull a trigger - plus Baghdad doesn't have a Starbucks - but really, they're merely harmless buffoons, and not seditious, unpatriotic traitors.

On the other hand, there IS a serious threat to the patrioticality of America out there, and it's HUMOR BLOGS!

For example:

Iowahawk - Documented to be on Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi's payroll. I mean, why else would he turn down that ham sandwich I offered him?

Day By Day - Keeps American soldiers hostage in his basement as a bargaining chip towards eventual syndication. Fortunately, his foul scheme is hopeless since - as I mentioned above - American newspapers are patriotic.

Cox & Forkum - Draws terrorists as muscley studs while portraying Condi with a beer gut. Yeah... wonder whose side THEY'RE on.

It's A Pundit - Makes snide remarks about rottweilers, which everyone knows to be the patrioticest dog of all.

Lileks - From Minnesota. Which is next to Canada. Which is where cooties come from. And possibly terrorists. But definitely socialized medicine. And cooties.

ScrappleFace - This once-patriotic American loyalist betrayed his country early on in the War by causing the word "weasel" to become associated with the pro-terrorist backstabbery of the French. Once proudly associated with such American traditions as chicken-thieving and the practice of law, weasels are now merely another shameful creature in a beret.

"Gee," I hear you say, "humor blogs DO seem to be a direct threat to the safety and security of all American citizens, but what about IMAO? Isn't that a humor blog, too?"

Yes, but IMAO is the only patriotic humor blog. Look at the IMAO crew, and you see the face of America:

* Frank J: Native-American (well, he WAS born in Florida, so he's technically not an immigrant)
* Harvey: Blasphemous-Unbeliever-American
* RightWingDuck: I'll-Cut-You!-American
* Kevin: Weasel-American
* Spacemonkey: Hayseed-American
* Laurence Simon: Zionist-Conspirator-American
* SarahK: Armed-and-Beauteous-American
* Aquaman: Seafood-American

We're even thinking of breaking Spacemonkey's legs to better represent Crippled Disabled Differently-Abled-Americans.

Hush-hush on that. Monkey doesn't know about it yet.

Meanwhile, I'm pre-emptively denying that this post is just part of a vicious smear-campaign against blogs that will be competing against IMAO in the "Best Humor Blog" category of The 2005 Weblog Awards (voting to begin on December 1st), and I question the patriotism of anyone who says otherwise.

Rating: 2.2/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (6)
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November 02, 2005
Happy Birthday United Nations!
Posted by Harvey at 04:57 PM

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

On October 24th the UN turned 60.

I wanted to celebrate this on time, but the resolution to do so was bottled up in an IMAO Security Council Subcommittee for the last week or so.

Now that THAT bureaucratic knot is unfurled, my first suggestion for a proper celebration of the UN's many accomplishments over the last 60 years consists of changing the organization's name to reflect those accomplishments.

Thus, hereafter, it shall be known as the Mostly Useless United Nations, or "MUUN" for short.

The other half of the celebration involves helping the MUUN accomplish it's stated goal of bringing about world peace.

For 60 years, the diplomats have bickered and nattered, passing one toothless resolution after another, fruitlessly attempting to implement their silly pipe-dream of "peace through superior paper work".

A dismal failure.

Because when it comes to achieving true and lasting world peace, we all know there's only one realistic plan... (see extended entry):

Read More...


Rating: 1.9/5 (8 votes cast)

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October 26, 2005
The Quotable Saddam
Posted by Harvey at 07:26 PM

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

Man, I hope you didn't waste your time watching the World Series. Saddam's trial was a LOT better. Here's part of the transcript (in extended entry due to objectionable language):

Read More...


Rating: 1.9/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (7)
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October 19, 2005
You Call That a Plan?
Posted by Harvey at 08:00 PM

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

Some high-up Al-Qaeda nutjob wrote a letter to his superior Al-Qaeda nutjob proposing a "plan" for the future of Islamofascism:

The first stage: Expel the Americans from Iraq.

The second stage: Establish an Islamic authority or amirate, then develop it and support it until it achieves the level of a caliphate- over as much territory as you can[...]

Which - in terms of practicality - greatly resembles the Underpants Gnomes plan:

1) Collect underpants
2) ???
3) Profit!

or in this case:

1) Get blown up by Americans
2) ???
3) Establish Caliphate!

It's a good start, but maybe they should consider streamlining it a bit:

1) Get blown up by Americans
2) Die

MUCH better.

SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!

Rating: 1.6/5 (6 votes cast)

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October 12, 2005
Helping the Terrorists to Celebrate Ramadan
Posted by Harvey at 08:26 PM

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

I heard the terrorists are celebrating their Holy Month by blowing people up.

While I admit that sounds like fun, I can't help but think there's gotta be another way to have a good time.

So, being from Wisconsin, which - except for the Socialists in Milwaukee and the Commies in Madison - is mostly rural and sane, I think the terrorists should take a page from the Big Book of Country Charm and celebrate it more along the lines of a County Fair.

Because fairs are fun!



First you set up a huge, inflatable mascot at the entrance so everyone can find the place easily:

pig inflatable big.jpg
"Hi! I'm Hamadan!"

Make sure there's plenty of parking for both cycles:

pig bike.jpg

and cars:

pig car show.jpg

Inside the gates, there'd be lots of arts and crafts, like:

Candle-making:

pig candle.jpg

Glass-blowing:

pig glass 2.jpg

and gardening:

pig chia.jpg

And, of course, yummy food everywhere you look:

Chocolate:

pig chocolate.jpg

Cupcakes:

pig cupcakes.jpg

And everyone's favorite: PEZ!

pig pez.jpg

Plus there's plenty of fun activities for the whole family:

Carousel rides:

pig carousel.jpg

Costume contest:

pig jammies.jpg

Rodeo:

pig monkey rodeo.jpg

and hot air balloon rides.

pig hot air balloon.jpg

So every terrorist should grab his best girl

pig girlfriend.jpg

and come on down to the Ramadan County Fair for FUN! FUN! FUN!

pig grin.jpg

HAPPY RAMADAN!

Rating: 2.4/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (18)
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October 05, 2005
Counter-Protest Equipment
Posted by Harvey at 08:35 PM

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

Sooner or later, a bunch of smelly hippies will come to your town and try protesting the War, and - also sooner or later - you'll get sick of their mindless sloganeering and decide to take to the streets yourself to protest their protest.

No such thing as too much free speech, ya know.

But you shouldn't go empty-handed. Bring a ClueBat.

cluebat.jpg

This item is useful for "beating sense" into someone whose knowledge of "what's what" ain't quite up to where it ought to be. A versatile device, it comes in several sizes, so be sure to choose the right tool for the right job.



Small

mini bat.jpg

For RINO's like John McCain or Colin Powell, and also as a preventative measure for small children who just don't know any better because they attended a public school.


Large

medium bat.jpg

For politicians who just don't know when to stop talking, like John Kerry, Ted Kennedy, Nancy Pelosi, or anyone in the UN Building (except the Stachemeister, of course).


Extra Pointy

spike bat.jpg

For those with exceptionally thick skulls - Alec Baldwin, Tim Robbins, most hippies.


STFU ALREADY!

michael bat.jpg

For extreme cases - Michael Moore, Cindy Sheehan, Jane Fonda.

And don't forget to read the instruction manual before use:

clueless bat.jpg

"Fat end first, dumbass!"

Yes, with these handy tips, you'll soon be doing your part as an American citizen to create a more informed electorate.

Or at the very least, you'll have a good time.

bush_with_baseball_bat.jpg

"C'mere hippy! I want to explain my foreign policy..."

Rating: 1.4/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (19)
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September 28, 2005
And the Next Secretary General of the UN is...
Posted by Harvey at 08:22 PM

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

Ya just GOTTA figure that - sooner or later - that corrupt, embezzling weasel Kofi Annan will get perp-walked out of the UN building.

Which means they'll have to pick a new Secretary General.

Never hurts to start planning ahead. Bush didn't, and now he's got.... what... seven Supreme Court vacancies to fill?... and he's nominated John Roberts for all of them.

Lack of planning, man... just sad.

Fortunately, I'm on top of things with the UNSG. Here's my short list:



* Bambi! He will save us from Godzilla! He... aw CRAP!

* The SON of Bambi! HE will save us from Godzilla!

* Jesse Jackson - He knows how to unite the many-colored peoples of the world into one happy rainbow. Just like Skittles!

* Mmmm... Skittles...

* Bill Gates - If anyone opposes his mighty will, he can make their computer cr

* Hmmm... must've accidentally opposed Bill Gates.

* An Inanimate Carbon Rod - He's already proved his worth by thwarting the plans of the evil insect overlords.

* Frank J. - The moon will finally get the nuking it so richly deserves.

* Jacques Chirac - Then we'd be able to ignore the UN *and* the French at the same time, thus increasing America's disdainfulness quotient.

* SarahK - She'll make the UN pretty by riddling it with bullets.



All have their virtues, but you KNOW who I just have to give the nod to:

* John Bolton

Rating: 3.0/5 (12 votes cast)

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September 21, 2005
Hunger Strike! The Untold Story
Posted by Harvey at 11:47 AM

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

Dozens of terrorist scumbags inmates at the Guantanamo Bay Detention Facility have gone on a hunger strike in an attempt to draw attention to the fact that they're not getting the due process that they're not entitled to because they're not US citizens.

Wait... that doesn't make any sense.

There must be some other reason for the hunger strikes, about which I speculate thusly:



Think that a gaunt, haggard appearance will make them look sexy - like supermodels!

Really pissed off about being served kosher pickles.

We won't even talk about the matzoh balls.

Trying to trick the guards into force-feeding them to satisfy their nasal-tube fetish.

A publicity stunt to get Cindy Sheehan to stop by.

Brad... Jennifer... *sob*... who can eat?

Can't properly flush a Koran using the low-flow toilets in their cells.

They're deathly afraid of hamburgers after having seen "Supersize Me".

After a 30-day interrogation session featuring Beatles music & Dr. Seuss books, they refuse to eat anything except green eggs and walrus.

Not taking a bite until Season 2 of Firefly goes into production.

I might join them for that one.


I suppose I should be concerned about this tragic development, but somehow I just can't find it in my heart to care.

I'm too broken up about Brad & Jennifer.

Rating: 2.6/5 (7 votes cast)

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September 14, 2005
Hurricane Relief From the UN
Posted by Harvey at 02:55 PM

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

Recently the UN offered to assist the US in dealing with the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina. Working through their Office for the Coordination of Humanitarian Affairs, the UN has requested that all member nations donate whatever they can. Below is a partial list of current pledges:



Afghanistan - 34 tons of surplus building rubble.

Australia - 20 million cans of Foster's, each with a souvenier crocodile-tooth can opener that says "No Worries, Mate".

Belarus - 10 black-market suitcase nukes for beefing up security against looters.

Bolivia - 10,000 bushels of cocaine to keep the rescue workers alert.

Brazil - 1 million coupons good for a free bikini wax.

Canada - one slightly used hockey stick.

China - 1 million cookies with super extra happy cheerful lucky fun fortunes, like "You find dry soon".

Cuba - 1000 flotation devices
59 buick boat.jpg

France - Haughty, derisive laughter.

Germany - A crate of emergency lederhosen.

Greece - 200 burly, hirsute homosexuals.

Guyana - 1000 barrels of grape Kool-Aid

Iran - 1500 "freedom fighters" with explosive "liberty belts".

Ireland - 750 belligerent drunks.

Jamaica - 50 bales of weed and 1000 Rasta hats.

Japan - This handy instructional shirt-folding video.

Kenya - 50 "Holy Crap. Lions! Tours" busses.

Saudi Arabia - 1 million sandbags (bags not included)

Somalia - Assorted warlords & gunmen.

Sweden - The Bikini Team.
swedish bikini team.JPG

UK - Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, baked beans, spam, spam, spam, and spam.



Also, rumor has it that Kofi Annan himself will be pledging $10 billion dollars of embezzled funds to the Red Cross.

Or maybe he pledged to embezzle $10 billion from the Red Cross. Hard to tell, his English is only so-so.

Anyway, if you've heard of any other pledges, feel free to mention them in the comments.

If you'd like to MAKE a pledge, see the Red Cross.

Rating: 2.2/5 (18 votes cast)

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September 07, 2005
Bush Causes Hurricane!
Posted by Harvey at 08:20 PM

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

A lot of people have tried to blame Hurricane Katrina on President Bush.

Robert F. Kennedy Jr., for example, claims it's because Bush refused to sign legislation reducing CO2 output, thus contributing to global warming and causing chaotic weather patterns, including Hurricane Katrina.

Silly Bobby! George's Katrina connection is far more crafty and subtle than the ham-fisted scenario that you outline. His actual contributions to global warming include such diverse elements as:

* Boiling water to make tea, but not immediately turning off the stove burner afterwards.

* Ordering extra jalapenos with his nachos.

* Allowing Kim Jong Il's poofy hair to trap carbon dioxide - a known greenhouse gas.

* Sure, he made Kim get it cut eventually, but not until AFTER the damage was already done.

* Having two really hot daughters.

Once his negligence allowed Katrina to form, he didn't do anything to prevent it's destructive rampage. Consider:

* He could've lined the Gulf Coast with big fans and blown Katrina down to Cuba - but he didn't.

* He could've ordered the space shuttle to orbit the Earth really fast, thus turning back time so that the hurricane could've been prevented - but he didn't.

* He could've stood atop a levee shouting "By the power of Grayskull, I command you to stop!" - but he didn't.

That's right. He let Hurricane Katrina have free reign to do whatever the hell she wanted!

WHY?

Because hurricanes tend to vote Republican, THAT'S why!

But you'd think Chimpy McBushitler would've at LEAST been smart enough to make the APPEARANCE of helping out after the storm, right?

HA!

* He was overheard praying for God to "take care of those poor people in New Orleans". Apparently he meant "take care of" in the Don Corleone sense.

* Remember that plastic turkey Bush tried serving to the troops in 2003? He could've airdropped thousands of them to the victims to use as flotation devices - but he didn't!

* He was even videotaped casting a spell on the Sorcerer's Broom to carry buckets of water into the city to drown everyone!

sorcerer.jpg
(artist's conception of President Bush causing flooding)

But even if all this evidence doesn't convince you, you still can't deny that the following Top Secret photograph proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that George Bush is responsible for Hurricane Katrina:


(Actual picture of President Bush's weather control machine)

Crap! Gotta run! Black helicopters!!!

Don't let Bush get away with this!1!!

Rating: 2.5/5 (20 votes cast)

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August 31, 2005
George Bush is Stealing My Oil!
Posted by Harvey at 06:19 PM

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

REDDRUM.jpg

According to modern leftist dogma, the whole reason we went to Iraq is to steal oil. Yet oil's going for nearly $70 a barrel these days.

Since it's obvious that he didn't sell it on the open market, what did W do with all that stolen oil?

My theories:



* Fixed that sticky door hinge on Air Force One.

* Needed supplies for the "Oil-Wrestle Condi" contest.

* Keeps it in his personal refinery so that he has enough gas to drive his International CXT across town if he wants to.

* Dumped it in Boston Harbor as a protest against England's "Texas Tea Tax".

* He's reverse-engineering it to make an army of dinosaurs.

* Sea otters have become tragically non-flammable in recent years. Trend now reversed.

* It's still sitting in Iraq, because Bush is having trouble getting blood for it.

* Bush hopes that if he keeps enough oil for himself, his monkey-faced daughters will grow up to be as pretty as Elly May.

* It's even possible that he didn't steal the oil. Maybe it's just that there are no barrels left to put the oil in because Bush had them made into steelpan drums which he's giving away to boost his poll numbers in the Caribbean-American community.

* However, based on recently acquired satellite images, I'd have to say that it's pretty obvious that he's just hiding it in and around the White House.

(click to enlarge)



BONUS FUN GAME: How many barrels of George Bush's stolen oil can you find in this picture?

Rating: 2.9/5 (7 votes cast)

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August 24, 2005
I Demand To Speak With President Bush!
Posted by Harvey at 07:42 PM

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

Since demanding to speak with President Bush is the hip and trendy thing to do these days, I decided to follow Cindy Sheehan's lead and demand to speak with the President, too, because I want to know:

Who's REALLY sitting in the prison cell in Iraq?

Is it Saddam Hussein?

saddam.jpg

Or is it actually best selling author Leo Buscaglia, presumably deceased since 1998?

Leo.jpg

Mr. President, I think the American people deserve to know the truth. All those lies you keep telling us... Please...

Leo love.jpg

Stop.

In the name of Love.

Rating: 2.8/5 (6 votes cast)

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August 17, 2005
Campaign Slogans for Running Against Hillary
Posted by Harvey at 07:09 PM

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

Recently Jeanine Pirro announced her intention to run for Hillary Clinton's Senate seat in 2006. As a patriotic American, I feel it's my duty to support her by offering the following suggestions for campaign slogans:



"Pirro 2006: Her husband may have cheated on his taxes, but at least he didn't cheat on her with a chubby intern."

"Pirro 2006: Won't disgrace herself by showing slide shows of her family reunion set to the tune of 'Dueling Banjos'" (moderately work safe, but hard to justify - via BoingBoing)

"Pirro 2006: She won't dance around the issues."

"Pirro 2006: Never lost a billing record."

"Pirro 2006: Leaving cattle futures to the cowboys."

"Pirro 2006: Her other car ISN'T a broom."

"Pirro 2006: Because sometimes it's just WRONG to wear a bikini"

(click to enlarge)

"Pirro 2006: She can stay awake for an entire State of the Union Address."

(click to enlarge)

"Pirro 2006: Because as far as we know, this is the only thing Hillary stands for."



Feel free to show your patriotism in the comments.

Rating: 2.3/5 (9 votes cast)

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August 10, 2005
Media Scandal!
Posted by Harvey at 07:19 PM

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

A lot of people have been asking "why hasn't the MSM picked up on the Air America scandal?".

Well, it turns out that it's because the execs at Air America have been sitting on a bunch of stories that are - shall we say - "less than flattering" about the other major news outlets, and threatened to go public with them if the big boys cracked the story.

Through various nefarious means, I've discovered what those hidden scandals are:



MSNBC paid over $3.4 million dollars in bribe money over the last nine years to keep the Apple Mighty Mouse off the market.

Ted Koppel was videotaped at Peter Jennings' funeral rifling the corpse's pockets looking for spare change to support his vicious crack habit.

Since the 2004 elections, Dan Rather has spent millions of dollars of CBS's money buying vintage typewriters on eBay.

The ink used to print Newsweek is manufactured in Honduran sweatshops and its main ingredient is the blood of orphans.

Elvis has been working in the mailroom at NBC since 1977.

Almost a year beforehand, members of the Associated Press CLEARLY knew that September 11th was coming. It was on all their calendars, just sitting there next to September 10th.

Wolf Blitzer, booze, a can of Crisco, and a video camera. 'Nuff said.

All the major networks accepted serious payola from Lyndie England to keep showing those Abu Ghraib photos, which did wonders for her "internet dominatrix" business, which - coincidentally - is owned by Time-Warner.

Speaking of ownership, you may have already guessed that greedy corporate sports network ESPN owns 'RoidCo, which makes steroids in Honduran sweatshops out of orphan-blood.

Oh, and Robert Novak had sex with Tom Cruise, but hey - who hasn't?



Let me know if there any media scandals that I missed...

Rating: 3.8/5 (8 votes cast)

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August 03, 2005
The "UN"ternet
Posted by Harvey at 12:25 PM

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

Recently a U.N. panel was created to recommend how the Internet should be run in the future. Here are some excerpts from the report:



No single country will be allowed to dominate the internet. Since the US is a single country, it must either get out of the internet business, or get married. Possibly to Mexico, since she looks hot in a bikini.

All internet sites will be approved by the international community, i.e. France, and any site without the official "cheese and beret" seal of approval will have resolutions passed against it.

The United States will enforce these resolutions on behalf of the UN in the face of international disapproval and ingratitude. If successful, must give full credit to France.

Any rapidly propagating viruses that slow down overall internet traffic speed will be blamed on the JOOOOOOOS!

All information posted to the internet will first be fact-checked by the Daily Kos Ministry of Truth.

The following phrases will be banned: "poofy hair", "filthy hippy", "communist", "ronin".

What grudge against IMAO?

Google will change the "Google Search" button on its home page to say "I [heart] the UN"

The "I'm Feeling Lucky" button will become "Oil For Food was a Legitimate Program that Saved Millions of Children from Cruel Starvation due to Unnecessary US Sanctions and NOT a Money Laundering Scheme Designed to Line the Pockets of Corrupt UN Bureaucrats".

All "adult content" web sites will cover naughty bits with little pictures of blue helmets.

All "adult content" sites will be thoroughly reviewed for compliance.

Until the US buys high-speed wireless internet access for all of Africa, everyone gets AOL and dial-up.

Except for those engaged in official UN compliance reviews.

All PayPal transactions must receive approval from Dr. Mbeki Salingo of Nigeria.

All bloggers will display the flags of every nation across the top of their home pages. Violators will be resolutioned.

No bushy moustaches. They frighten us.



Remember folks, John Bolton is the only thing standing between the free people of the world and the nightmare outlined above.

And for you power-hungry one-worlders, just three words:

fear the stache.jpg

Rating: 2.3/5 (12 votes cast)

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July 27, 2005
Wonkette Says John Roberts "Not Gay Enough"
Posted by Harvey at 12:29 PM

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

Even with his penchant for plaid pants and his eagerness to wrestle with sweaty, half-naked young men, Supreme Court Nominee John Roberts faced strong criticism from the left for his lack of overt homosexuality.

"When Roberts was first introduced," said butt-sex-loving possibly-closeted-lesbian leftist blogger Wonkette. "I thought that Bush was trying to break ground with the first Gay-American Supreme Court justice. Why else would he give a girl's SCOTUS seat to a guy?"

"But as I looked deeper into his past, I was disappointed. Sure, he was a man-grabbing drama-princess in high school, but he also played football - although that last may have been an excuse to snag an eyeful of locker-room boy-booty."

"I really got my hopes up," continued Wonkette, "when I read that he'd had a role in the musical 'You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown'. I thought that if he played that *ahem* thumb-sucker Linus - you know, the one who kept rebuffing that pretty blond girl, Sally - that would seal the deal on him being light in the loafers. Unfortunately, he played Peppermint Patty."

"I guess I should give him SOME gay-cred for portraying a lesbian, though."

When questioned directly at a recent press conference, Roberts briefly acknowledged his disappointly mild homosexuality.

"Of course I'm gay," said Roberts. "Who wouldn't be festive & cheerful after being nominated to the Supreme Court? But I'll try to contain myself until after the hearings."

Rating: 2.4/5 (13 votes cast)

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July 20, 2005
Terrorist Spotting Quiz
Posted by Harvey at 12:24 PM

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

After the terrorist bombings in London, it's become more important than ever for the average citizen to be able to detect crazy Muslims who mean us harm. As a public service to IMAO readers, I offer this simple quiz to help you determine your terrorist-spotting ability. Simply aim your sidearm at the correct answer and pull the trigger. If your monitor doesn't explode, you've chosen correctly:



1) Smells like a monkey, but has no tail.
a) Terrorist
b) Frenchman

2) Label on designer suit jacket reads "C4 of Hollywood"
a) Terrorist
b) Worthress Arec Bardwin

3) Towel on head
a) Terrorist
b) Galactic Hitchhiker eluding Ravenous Bugbladder Beast of Traal

4) Swarthy, hirsuite, bearded man with evil glint in his eye and no discernable sense of humor
a) Terrorist
b) Harvey

5) Sneakers have radiation symbol instead of Nike Swoosh
a) Terrorist
b) Merchandising whore Kobe Bryant

6) Makes pet Yorkie wear an explosive cardigan
a) Terrorist
b) Gay terrorist

7) Memorizes Holy Book, flies into murderous rage at slightest hint of blasphemy
a) Terrorist
b) SarahK

8) Prominently displays crescent moon on front door
a) Terrorist
b) Outhouse

9) Shouts "ULULULULULULULU!"
a) Terrorist
b) Country singer who misses his girlfriend, Lulu

10) Hates dogs
a) Terrorist
b) Terminator

11) Lives in the desert, sleeps in a tent, fires gun in the air at weddings
a) Terrorist
b) Buck the Marine

12) Man wearing long, flowing, badly-fitting dress
a) Terrorist
b) Transvestite

13) Kills innocent people when they least expect it
a) Terrorist
b) Ted Kennedy

14) Tries to smuggle weapons through airport security
a) Terrorist
b) Grandma and her knitting needles

15) Whooping it up at a strip club for a final night of earthly pleasure before his long-awaited entrance into Paradise
a) Terrorist
b) Frank J. at his bachelor party



Since this quiz is self-grading, I won't be posting an answer key. But if you got any answers wrong, buy a new monitor and try again.

America's safety depends on you getting a perfect score.

Rating: 2.4/5 (7 votes cast)

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July 13, 2005
The Empire Strikes Back
Posted by Harvey at 08:52 PM

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

After the cowardly attacks in London, the Brits went completely whacking hatstand, plotting bloody vengeance against those what done them wrong.

In their own typical, understated, cultured, and excessively polite English way, the Crown's Tommy's re-doubled their efforts in the Middle East to stick a dagger in the heart of organized Muslim terror.

Amongst the weaponry rapidly deployed against the filthy terrorists were such diverse elements as:



The Rather Unpleasant Exploding Head Laser Beam

The 20 Megaton Nuclear Crumpet of Mild Inconvenience

The Terribly Sorry About That Old Chap 7.62mm Explosive Sniper Round

The Didn't Mean to Trouble You Electrified Gonad Zapper and Battlefield Intelligence Procurer

The Double-Oh Eyeball Knife

Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam Napalm Spam Spam Spam and Spam

The Bit of a Sticky Rocket-Propelled Wicket

The 'Tis But a Scratch Depleted Uranium Bugger the Blighters Bunker Buster Missile

The Not Quite Cricket Cluster Bomb

The Nudge Nudge Say No More Bazooka

And...

A special propaganda bomb containing pamphlets imprinted with a single, multiple choice question:

"Sunny morning, me cheeky monkeys, and quiz me this: What word best describes Osama bin Laden?

A) arse-bandit
B) back scuttler
C) battyboy
D) beaver leaver
E) bender
F) brown hatter
G) buftie
H) bum-chum
I) chutney ferret
J) friend of Dorothy
K) fudge nudger
L) jobby jabber
M) knob jockey
N) marmite miner
O) mincer
P) pillow-biter
Q) poncey
R) poofter
S) shirtlifter
T) uphill gardener
U) all of the above

ANSWER: OO! Sorry! Trick question! The correct answer is "You'll be stone dead in a moment because the bomb after this one won't be filled with paper. Cheerio, ya rammy arse-monger!"



I *do* so love the Brits. Bless them and pray for them, and may their swords forever drip with the blood of Mangy Mohammeds.

SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!

Rating: 2.9/5 (6 votes cast)

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July 06, 2005
The Only Safe Way Out of Iraq
Posted by Harvey at 05:43 PM

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

Democrats have been howling with increasing ferver recently that Bush has no exit strategy for Iraq.

Which, frankly, puzzled me.

I couldn't believe that Bush hadn't planned on giving us a way out of Iraq. I mean, it's not like America's a bunch of idiot Frenchmen (sorry for the redundancy) who would go plunging into a war without some idea of how to get the troops home again.

So I consulted with my favorite military expert, Matt of Blackfive, who calmly assured me that Bush does, indeed, have an exit strategy for Iraq, which he explains succinctly in the extended entry:

Read More...


Rating: 3.1/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (16)
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June 29, 2005
New White House Press Conference Strategy
Posted by Harvey at 06:49 PM

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

At a recent White House press conference...

SCOTT MCCLELLAN: Good afternoon. Although I'm usually the one who has to handle questions from you journalistic jackals, President Bush has informed me that I'm not being aggressive enough with my responses, and he'll be handling the briefing today... Mr. President?

W: And you're too damn fat, too. Now, in order to encourage more respectful questions, I'll be instituting a program of rewards and punishments as a way of giving you feedback on your level of professionalism. Ok, who wants to go first?

(continued in extended entry)

Read More...


Rating: 2.7/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (9)
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June 22, 2005
Relocating Terrorists
Posted by Harvey at 06:26 PM

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

With all the hubbub about terrorists being tortured at Gitmo, the pansy Republicans agreed to shut down the detention facilities.

Not wanting to be accused of exacerbating the homeless problem, they started handing out government grants to encourage the creation of private detention facilities.

I checked it out - $50 per month per terrorist. That's some sweet cash!

So I figured I'd make a little money on the side by starting my own concentration camp, "Harv's House O' Happy Hebrew-Haters". All I had to do was keep these wacky Muslims from either escaping or complaining to Amnesty International and I'd make enough money to get that cool new PornStation Portable I'd had my eye on.

It seemed like a good idea at the time, but - as you can tell from the security tape excerpts in the extended entry - it... could've gone better...

Read More...


Rating: 2.3/5 (9 votes cast)

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June 15, 2005
A Tenderly Dedicated Poetical Ode to the Peculiar and Unpredictable Nuances of Political Speech as Occasionally Put Forth by the Former Governor of Vermont and Current DNC Chair, Howard Dean
Posted by Harvey at 07:07 PM

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

Howard Dean, a man insane
Earthworms crawling through his brain
Stood himself upon a stage
And sputtered loony words of rage.

"Republicans are filthy hogs!
Into blenders they put dogs!
Never work those honest jobs,
Sleep all day and dress like slobs!"

"Lazy! Shiftless! Liars, too!
Never bathe! They smell like poo!
They hate gays! Won't let them wed!
They starve old folks 'til they're dead!"

"Torture children! (call it "spanking")
CPS we should be thanking!
Kill the poor and steal their cars!
Say rude things to movie stars!"

"Foul the air! Pollute the skies!
Pull the wings off butterflies!
Drive big trucks! Use too much gas!
Keep the sick from buying grass!"

Appoint black judges! Women too!
My God! What's next? A freakin' Jew?
Hiring Hispanics left and right!
(Yet still their party's WAY too white!)

"Christian bigots! Muslim haters!
Rob the Irish of their taters!
Gulag runners! Women beaters!
Evil Nazis! Baby eaters!"

"I just want them all to die!
Then they'll go to hell and fry!"
(... deep, cleasing breath...)
Now I'm going home to blog
Vote Democrat in '06 -
YEAAAAAAAGGGH!

Rating: 3.0/5 (9 votes cast)

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June 08, 2005
Self-Desecrating Koran Offers Convenience, Sparks Riots
Posted by Harvey at 11:40 AM

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

If the Democratic Underground can have little wet dreams about life in 2006 ("GOP Swept from Power in 2006; Impeachment Looms"), figure it's only fair that other people are allowed to indulge.

Like me.



Self-Desecrating Koran Offers Convenience, Sparks Riots

Looking to cause havoc in you detention facility but can't trick your infidel guard into mishandling your holy book? The Jersey City based company "Desecrated Incorporated" has the answer to all five of your daily prayers.

"Although Muslims will riot at the drop of a hat," said Marketing Director Sam Snead, "they prefer a more provocative excuse, like the drop of a Koran. That's why we've created Korans that will give the appearance of being defiled without actually being touched. So when a guard approaches, all the detainee has to do is activate the easily-hidden remote control, and POOF! International incident."

"There are several models to choose from," explained Snead. "Our most popular is the Whoopsie Wayward Walker. It has little mechanical feet that spring out, enabling it to "walk" off a table and onto the floor. For added effect, another touch of the remote will make a kick-dent appear in the book's spine."

"Then there's our "magic ink" models. When activated, "stains" will appear on the pages to simulate either water damage, dirty fingerprints, a coffe-cup ring, or wind-splattered urine. Pretty hard for the guards to talk their way out of it when you have the proof in your non-kafir hand."

"We're looking to add a poo-stain version this summer," continued Snead, "but we're having a little trouble getting the smell right. Scratch & sniff is a tricky medium to work with."

Also in the works is a self-flushing model.

"It's the ultimate convenience" said Snead. "moisture sensors in the cover automatically guide the book directly into the toilet, and a tiny, water-activated motor propels it down the bowl and into the waste pipe."

"Plus the quick-dissolving paper is completely septic-safe!"

Muslims the world over rioted outside stores selling the special Korans, fighting amongst themselves to be the first one on their block to own a copy.

Said one unidentified rioter, "Only twenty bucks for an excuse to riot AND I get to blame the infidels for causing it? Hell, I'm gonna sell my wife and buy a CASE of these things! I love it! ULULULULULULULULU!!!"

Rating: 2.3/5 (6 votes cast)

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June 01, 2005
A Get Well Card For Zarqawi
Posted by Harvey at 08:21 PM

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

Terrorist scumbag Abu Musab al-Zarqawi was recently wounded and his supporters have been asking for people to pray for him.

Being "none of the above" religion-wise, I can't do that, lest I be struck by lightning. But I figure the least I can do is send him a nice get-well card, like the one I put in the extended entry...

Read More...


Rating: 2.4/5 (8 votes cast)

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May 24, 2005
Payback for Newsweek
Posted by Harvey at 08:12 AM

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)
So, Newsweek thinks they can tell lies about the troops flushing the Koran and get off the hook with a half-hearted apology.

Bah!

I got news for "journalist" Michael Isikoff & his crew: you mess with the pajamas, you're gonna feel the flannel. But I suppose there are... "consequences" that might appease the blogosphere's wrath, as I describe in the extended entry:

Read More...


Rating: 3.2/5 (8 votes cast)

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May 18, 2005
America's New China Policy
Posted by Harvey at 08:48 PM

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

Communist China hasn't been a very good friend to us lately, what with their not helping us keep North Korea in line, blocking Security Council Appointments in the UN, and declaring war on innocent bloggers, so it's time for America to re-evaluate the relationship.

But before any firm policy decisions are made, it's necessary to understand who we're dealing with. To that end, I've assigned a Newsweek reporter to gather all the information he could about this inscrutable nation. Based on his report, I present (in the extended entry) these

TOTALLY TRUE TIDBITS ABOUT CHINA

Read More...


Rating: 2.7/5 (9 votes cast)

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May 11, 2005
The Iran Strategy
Posted by Harvey at 08:58 PM

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

Deep in a secret government Plotting Cave, somewhere beneath the White House, President Bush and Karl Rove map out a strategy for dealing with the increasing nuclear threat from Iran...

(see extended entry)

Read More...


Rating: 3.0/5 (8 votes cast)

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April 27, 2005
New Weapons for the Troops
Posted by Harvey at 08:53 PM

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

The best part about starting unprovoked wars of aggression in the Middle East - besides getting to steal all that sweet, sweet oil - is that is leads to the development of fun new weaponry. For example, the enchanting and addictive new XM8 Assault Rifle (see the video here, featuring R. Lee Ermey).

Using my secret Pentagon connections, I've discovered more cool things we can expect to see in the near future, and I've listed them in the extended entry:

Read More...


Rating: 1.8/5 (8 votes cast)

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April 20, 2005
Rummy in the 'Stan
Posted by Harvey at 08:47 PM

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

Last week Donald Rumsfeld visited Afghanistan.

This week, Donald Rumsfeld met with reporters to discuss his activities there. A transcript of the press conferece follows in the extended entry.

Read More...


Rating: 2.9/5 (7 votes cast)

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April 13, 2005
Al Gore's Cable Network
Posted by Harvey at 08:21 PM

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

On August 1st of this year, former Presidential hopeless Al Gore will be launching his new cable TV network, "Current".

I read the press release to try to find out what sort of programming will be shown, but aside from a few disclaimers about being non-partisan, the actual content was only described in the vaguest of terms.

Soooooo... I did a little research and found the original video of the Al Gore news conference that Reuters quoted from. In the extended entry, I've padded out the press release with some of the omitted information:

Read More...


Rating: 3.4/5 (7 votes cast)

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April 06, 2005
Frank, Sarah, and the War on Terror
Posted by Harvey at 09:08 PM

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

Not too long from now, Frank J. & Sarah K. will be entangled in the chafing shackles of matrimonial bliss. After all the hectic planning of the ceremony is behind them, they'll once again be free to spend their time doing what they do best:

Fighting terrorism.

I imagine that the events I'm about to describe in the extended entry will take place within weeks of their wedding day...

Read More...


Rating: 2.2/5 (9 votes cast)

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March 31, 2005
"Protestants for the Pope" Pray for Pontiff
Posted by Scott McCollum at 09:35 PM

As a Protestant, I'm not a believer in the whole "Pope as conduit to God" thing that my Catholic buddies like Frank do. Like the Jews, we believe that the true conduit to The Divine is through the Ark of the Covenant (which is why Lucas and Spielberg are such good friends)

I really like the Pope because he stood up to the Soviets as Pope and in his pre-Pontiff days he fought against the Nazis in WWII.

Sounds like a good guy to me, and I'm praying for the Pope to get well soon. His condidtion has apparently stabilized now but there was a point when he was on a feeding tube...

...considering what happened today in Florida it's good thing the Pope ain't married.

Rating: 2.8/5 (10 votes cast)

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March 23, 2005
What's Irking North Korea?
Posted by Harvey at 08:39 AM

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

What the heck is North Korea's problem? They don't have nukes, then they DO have nukes. They want to talk, then they DON'T want to talk. They're all whiny & high maintenance. It's like dating a supermodel, except without the good looks and fake boobs.

Why are they so irritable? Nobody knows. But I'll make some stuff up & put it in the extended entry:

Read More...


Rating: 3.3/5 (10 votes cast)

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March 16, 2005
Dan Rather's Farewell
Posted by Harvey at 08:25 AM

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

I'm not the sort of person to gloat at the misfortune of others...

*BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!*

Sorry, my b***s*** detector just went off.

Anyway, Dan Rather's out of a job, and I'm sitting here grinning smugly... well... SORTA smugly.

Truth is, I was a little disapointed by how his last show went down. He just sat there, did his newscast, said his goodbyes peacefully, and that was it.

Personally, I was hoping for something a little... less dignified... something that would better befit a man with his weasel quotient.

I've placed my list of possible scenarios in the extended entry:

Read More...


Rating: 1.7/5 (6 votes cast)

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March 09, 2005
Car-Bomber Bumper Stickers
Posted by Harvey at 05:11 PM

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

With all the crazy action going on over in Iraq, it's hard to tell friend from foe. Let's say you're manning a checkpoint and a car comes careening up toward you. You have no idea whether it's a suicidal car-bomber, an innocent (if somewhat communist) Italian journalist, or simply just another Ahmed Lunchpail in a hurry to get home for a nooner.

Wouldn't it be nice if there were an easy way to tell them apart so you wouldn't accidentally open fire on the last example and risk losing the hearts and minds of the Iraqi people? Well, it turns out there's an easy way to spot the bad guys - just read the bumper stickers! If you see one that's even remotely like the ones I list in the extended entry, then fire at will:

Read More...


Rating: 3.3/5 (6 votes cast)

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March 02, 2005
Adventures in Journalist Targeting
Posted by Harvey at 10:40 PM

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

Frank J. - giddy with success from his brilliant idea of converting IMAO to a group blog - recently convened a meeting of the IMAO editorial board deep in the heart of the super-secret IMAO Cave. There he outlined his cleverest plan ever for placing the might of the blogosphere in the service of Truth and Justice. He also tried to get us to join Amway, but that's not important right now. In the extended entry, I've placed the official minutes of that meeting, plus some supporting documentation that was discovered in Sandy Berger's socks...

Read More...


Rating: 3.8/5 (6 votes cast)

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February 23, 2005
Iraq's To-Do List
Posted by Harvey at 09:18 PM

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

After 30 years of brutal oppression, the Iraqi people are finally free to build a decent society based on the principles of freedom, liberty, democracy, and nickel-beer nights. It's a daunting task, and there's a lot to get done.

Fortunately, the Iraqi government has published this handy to-do list so that everyone can be on the same page during the nation's reconstruction:


* Institute "T-shirts for terrorists" program. Turn in a terrorist and a get a free "Nuke the Moon T-shirt".

* [subliminal message]T-shirt good! You buy now![/subliminal message]

* Send "Thank-You" cards to America, Britain, Australia, and Poland.

* Send "F***-You" cards to France, Germany, and Russia

* Invite the human-shield hippy dirtbags to hang out by the Iraqi police stations.

* Invade and conquer Syria and Iran.

* Wait... that was from America's to-do list. My bad.

* Have Saddam appear on TV and issue a formal apology to the Iraqi people by doing the Happy Dance at the end of a rope.

* Change the name of the country to "Irack", because that final "q" just looks freaky without a "u" after it.

* Release a new x-rated video.

* Oops... that's Paris Hilton's list. Nevermind.

* Revamp Iraqi currency. Replace camel with camel-toe.

* Be careful Googling that one.

* Legalize wet burkha contests.

* Free lap-dances for all Coalition troops!

* Wait... I promised I wouldn't make any more lap-dance posts, didn't I? Scratch that one.

* Shut down "T-shirts for journalists" program, since America has already bagged its limit.

* Rename the Tigris & Euphrates rivers the "Mc" and "Donald's" - if the price is right.

* Buy more "Nuke the Moon" T-shirts. Did I mention they were 100% preshrunk heavyweight cotton?

* 20% of net sales revenue, why?

* More tax cuts and dead terrorists.

* Yeah, they stole that one from America's list, but we'll let it go this time ;-)


That's everything from the official list. If you've got more suggestions, leave them in the comments and I'll pass them along.

...If you buy a Nuke the Moon T-shirt.

Rating: 2.4/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (11)
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