Pseudonymous troll Acroso asks:

"When will IMAO apologize for not supporting Ron Paul in the GOP primary?"

Well, since I am - rumor has it - just a manifestation of Frank J.'s multiple personality disorder, I can't really act as official spokesperson for IMAO. However, if I were the official spokesperson for IMAO, the answer would be:

When Ron Paul goes back in time, re-runs the GOP primary, and changes his position on the war to winning it instead of running away from it.

Seriously, that was my only beef with him. But it was a deal-breaker.

Anyway, if that happens, someone please drop me a line so IMAO can get to apologizing.

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In the Idaho Republican primary Tuesday, Ron Paul actually got 24% of the vote -- something that would be quite a respectable showing were it a four way race and not already over. I guess it is kind of a slight against McCain, but I don't know who would really bother to vote in a decided presidential race except those who want to protest the result. And crazy people.

Anyway, Ron Paul now has tens of delegates to match McCain's thousands, and he plans to use them to win himself the presidency and usher on the rEVOLution. Here's the plan:

Phase 1: Secure a meager amount of delegates.
Phase 2: Come to the Republican National Convention and demand to be heard.
Phase 3: Realize no one is hearing you.
Phase 4: Shout that you will not be ignored.
Phase 5: Be ignored.
Phase 6: Knock over a chair in defiance of the system.
Phase 7: Head back to room at Motel 6.
Phase 8: Drink lots of cheap booze.
Phase 9: ?
Phase 10: Become president and reduce the size of the federal government until it can be run out of a kiosk at the mall.

This plan seems a lot more dynamic when Ronulans tell people about it because the replace the '?' from Phase 9 with "RON PAUL!"

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Why did the chicken cross the road?

RON PAUL!

Ron Paul is basically just a punchline now, but I actually heard a Ron Paul ad on a country music station the other morning. If you're wondering where the millions of dollars gullible losers threw at Ron Paul was going, well now you have your answer.

Seriously, though, if Ron Paul increases his standing and manages to get 10% of the vote in the Idaho Republican caucus next Tuesday, he'll only need to get 10,000% of the remaining delegate to beat McCain.

Say it with me...

RON PAUL!

If Thomas Jefferson were a creepy looking crank, he'd be Ron Paul.

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Home come when someone says a gated community of Ron Paul supporters, the thing that pops into mind is Arkham Asylum?

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Ron paul ron paul ron paul? Ron paul ron paul ron paul; ron paul ron paul -- ron paul ron paul. Ron paul ron paul, "Ron paul ron paul." Ron paul ron (ron paul ron paul) paul ron paul?

Ron Paul!

Ron paul ron paul ron paul:

* Ron Paul: Ron paul ron paul ron paul ron paul.

* Ron Paul: Ron paul ron paul ron "paul" ron paul; ron paul ron paul.

* Ron Paul: Ron paul ron paul ron paul:

RON PAUL: Ron paul ron paul ron paul.

RON PAUL: Ron paul ron paul?

RON PAUL: (ron paul) Ron paul ron paul!

RON PAUL: Ron.

RON PAUL: Paul.

Ron paul ron paul ron paul ron paul ron paul. Ron paul: Ron paul ron paul ron paul?

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I knew the whole Ron Paul thing would eventually fizzle out, but it seems like its been over a month since we've heard even a peep from a Ronulan. Have any of you had any sightings other than the occasional, fading road-side sign?

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Whatever happened to the Ronulans? Did they catch their comet? Anyway, here's an interesting poll that asks whether people will definitely vote for or against a certain candidate. For Ron Paul, 10% would definitely vote for him while 59% would definitely vote against him. That means 69% of Americans have a strong opinion on Ron Paul (only 67% had such an opinion on McCain). If the Ronulans' goal was to get Ron Paul's name out there, they really succeeded.

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When do you think that Ron Paul will finally admit that he can't win, that he's a loser, that his supporters are especially losers, and that they'll always be losers?

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The same people who conspired to blow up the WTC and blame it on Saudis to get in a war with Iraq are now plotting to take Ron Paul's congressional seat. We can't let this stand!

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So are the Ronulans all dead now, their might felled by common earth bacteria? Just seems like we haven't heard from them in a while.

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Do you think Ron Paul is upset with Huckabee for splitting the pointless vote?

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Do you think the reason Ron Paul's campaign never took off is because of the well-known rumor that he's only running for the vice presidency?

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Voter fraud in Iowa and a plot by Mitt Romney to assassinate Ron Paul (which isn't all that unusual since Bush the elder killed JFK and Bush Jr. killed his son) -- it's all laid out by this Ron Paul supporter on a Ron Paul site (hat tip to reader Pantera):

CORRECTED VERSION: Sent via email & fax on Jan. 7th, 2008

RE: IOWA GOP CAUCUS VOTE COUNT FRAUD & POSSIBLE ASSASSINATION PLOT FOILED THAT TARGETED RON PAUL IN DES MOINES.

Hello Dave & Joyce.

I'm sending this without having proof-read it for typos since it's getting late. It's also attached as a word document so that you can correct any typos should you want to publicize part or all of it. I may send over a better or longer version of it later after Ted has reviewed it (which he has not yet done). As I said below, I have more information than what I've presented here…but, this should do for now.

Here's what I know, believe and reasonably or, perhaps, unreasonably presume or hypothesize about the apparent Iowa caucus VOTE COUNT FRAUD and possible assassination plot that targeted Dr. Ron Paul.

Dec. 2nd, 2007

1. My wife and I arrived at the Ron Paul rally that was held at the Ft. Des Moines
Marriott Hotel located a 1000 Walnut St. We sat on the last role at the back since we arrived late at 7:40 p.m.

2. I went to the front and engaged Carol Paul, introduced myself and handed her a large manila envelope containing information for Dr. Paul from Ted Gunderson and marked: "Personal and Confidential – For Dr. Ron Paul's Eyes Only." This packet contained a personal letter from Ted Gunderson offering Dr. Paul his professional "security consultant" services…since Ted had the latest information about the high-level Neo Con plot to assassinate Dr. Paul; this "latest information" was included in the packet. The packet also contained DVDs that Ted wanted Dr. Paul to have. I remember Carol telling me: "well, you sure delivered it to the right person" before thanking me.

3. At the conclusion of Paul's speech, Linda and I were the first to leave because I wanted to drive round and round the block to promote Dr. Paul with my large lighted sign I had affixed atop my green van. Dave, you may recall me driving repeatedly around the block.

4. While we were circling around the block, I observed four brand new, SUVs with "suits" inside and all of them had a cell phone to their ear. The four vehicles were positioned east, west, north and south around the Marriott Hotel. The black SUV that was parked at the 10th Street double doors where most of the people were entering and exiting had Virginia License plate: "KO1" and not registration decal. A 2nd SUV also had Virginia tags, the 3rd one had Tennesse tags and we did not get the license of the 4th one.
I was suspicious of these vehicles as Linda and I discussed whether Dr. Paul had Secret Service protection. We still need to find out whether he did or not!

5. I observed an orange (or red) car [make & model not noticed] come to stop on the northside of the Ft. Des Moines Marriot that was illegally parked on Walnut St.—in the street/not curbside—about 40 or 50 feet from where Dr. Paul would have exited from the eastside double doors (presumed). This suspicious vehicle remained in this location for at least 20 minutes while the public was exiting Dr. Paul's event. I had driven around the block at least 5 or 6 times and kept noticing that it never moved. This may be inconsequential… except for the audacity of parking illegally for so long a time and so close to the exit door. A long-haired individual [did not notice if male or female] was sitting at the wheel as though waiting for someone.

6. While we circled the building about 14 times, I had observed you, Dave, walking up and down the east-side sidewalk and talking into a microphone (presumed). Another fact I determined to be highly suspicious was that Hannity & Colms just by COINCIDENCE happened to shooting a show inside the bar (i.e. Raccoon River Brewery) adjacent to the Ft. Des Moines Marriott—on the same night and at the same time as Dr. Paul's rally. I mean, what's the chances of this happening? What most alarmed me was the name "Kauffmann" for "Kauffman Broadcasting" that was the logo on the door of the huge broadcasting truck parked on the southside of the Raccoon River Brewery/on Mulberry St. Now, this may not mean anything to you…but, it means a helluva-a-lot to Ted and me because we have the proof that the name "Kauffman" is heavily involved in CIA covert operations—both domestic and foreign. In fact, the assassin crew that was stalking Ted and I in Las Vegas and that succeeded in poisoning both of us was affiliated with Carlton and Kauffman out of Guatemala, evidently a CIA "cutout" company. Visit the following link for more information about this true fact:

http://www.1-free-dvd.com/About_more_info_on_CIA_Assassin.html and
http://www.1-free-dvd.com/ABOUT_ANNA_AYALA_FELONY_INFO.html

A search of the name "Kauffman + CIA" shows how embedded the Kauffman family is with the CIA. As a side note concerning vested financial interests in the Marriott Hotel chain, Mitt Romney is one of the owners [not yet verified].

So, I was alerted by these COINCIDENCES but at the time I did not hypothesize that a plot may have been afoot to assassinate Dr. Paul on the night of Jan. 2nd, 2007. I did not realize this possibility until last night when I awoke from my sleep with this crazy [or not so crazy] idea in my head. Now, Dave, it is you who articulated so very well about "conspiracy theories" in your 9-11 In Plane Site film…so please bear with me while I attempt to put these puzzle pieces together to form a reasonable hypothesis.

The reason I say that you, Dave, could have foiled a planned assassination [presumed] is because any conspirators would have seen you roaming up and down 10th St. [or perhaps, my circling van troubled the presumed conspirators…or…something else]. Were the Spooks in the black SUVs protecting Dr. Paul or coordinating a plot to assassinate him [or protecting Hannity & Colmes or some other celebrites; unlikely, of course]? Also, guess who would have had the "exclusive" film footage of Dr. Paul's assassination [other than you], FOX News via the Hannity/Colms film crew. This would have skyrocketed FOX off the charts; the corporate stock probably would have skyrocketed to. Imagine, FOX being there on location to get the assassination film footage. Look how valuable the JFK film footage became. Think about this!!

More information regarding "assassination" hypothesis provided below for Dec. 3rd.

Relevant questions at this point:

What is the chance of Dr. Paul's arch enemy FOX/Hannity & Colms filming on the same night and at the same time at a location right next door to where Dr. Paul was speaking?

Is the "Kauffman" Broadcasting logo of on the door of the parked truck the same "Kauffman" whose crew attempted to harm Ted Gunderson and I in Las Vegas – i.e. "Carlton & Kauffman"…and…could "Kauffman" be involved in other assassination plots beside the one that targeting Ted Gunderson and I in Las Vegas…specifically…that of Dr. Ron Paul. "Kauffman" certainly does qualify as a "high level" Neo Con as provided us in Daniel Estulin's recent information about the plot to assassinate Dr. Ron Paul.

Why Des Moines? Is this not the city that the FBI warned was a target for a briefcase nuke attack because of its "shock & awe" benefit should a Midwestern town be hit by terrorists?

Is it possible that the Neo Cons want to assassinate Dr. Paul—not only because he is a threat to their desire to get "their man" into the White House—but his is the catalyst that is inflaming this entire freedom social movement across America? Is Mitt Romney involved? Assuming he was, he'd become a "made" man should Ron Paul had been assassinated. Bush Sr. was photographed in Dealy Plaza at time of the JFK assassination [see film: JFK II – The Bush Connection" and Bush Jr. is said to have been involved in the assassination of JFK Jr., his wife and her sister [see film: The Assassination of JFK, Jr.].

Dec. 3rd, 2007. More on suspected Iowa GOP VOTE COUNT FRAUD and the possible assassination plot of Dr. Ron Paul

My wife and I arrived at Stowe Elementary School, the 32nd precinct for the Iowa GOP caucus, where she wanted to vote for Dr. Ron Paul [she maintains her primary residence in Des Moines even though we are living and working with Ted Gunderson]. At this precinct Dr. Paul took 2nd place with 16 votes…behind Huckabee who had 40 votes. Romney, Guilliani, McCain and Thompson had 0 to 8 votes (we lost our score list later). Linda's family also voted for Dr. Paul. Her sister Lavonne reported that Ron Paul took 1st place in her 94th precinct. Her Mom and Dad reported that Dr. Paul took 2nd place at their precinct. This information is important because it would cause me to question Guilliani's claimed 13% showing (at one time during the vote count) which we observed on the big screen at the Ron Paul Rally that was scheduled to start at 7:30 pm at the Downtown Marriott, 700 Grand Ave. I would later end up being escorted out of this rally by police.

During the day, prior to going to the 32nd precinct so that my wife could vote, we decided to drive all around north, south, east and west Des Moines to do a "sign analysis"– to determine which candidates had the most private yard signs. On the Democrat side Obama took 1st place with Hillary and Edwards running a close 2nd. On the Republican side, Ron Paul and Huckabee definitely won for the most private yard sign count. For the routes we drove, we did not see a single sign for Guilliani, Thompson or McCain. We did see a few for Romney. It is interesting to note that Obama, Edwards and Hillary had a 1-2-3 finish that exactly matched our sign analysis. So why did Ron Paul not take 1, 2 or at least 3rd since he had as many signs as Huckabee along the routes we drove? The signs remain today so anyone can conduct their own yard sign analysis as we did.

More circumstantial evidence that Ron Paul should have placed 1st, 2nd or at least 3rd is the true fact that he had standing room only turnouts at his scheduled events [we saw it, we were there]—far more than Romney, Thompson and McCain who purported whipped him in the caucus. Guilliani wasn't in town.

I developed other circumstantial evidence of VOTE FRAUD that I will not go into at this time. But, I want to tell you what occurred after we left precinct 32 and landed in the Downtown Marriot at 8:15 (approximate time) to attend the scheduled Ron Paul post-caucus rally.

1. When we enter the Hotel I began asking employees (who were wearing the Marriott uniform) for directions to Ron Paul's event. I was shocked to see that the first gentleman I asked looked like the man I had reported to Ted Gunderson was stalking me in Nebraska. A very muscular individual in his late 30's or early 40's with a military haircut. He had on a Marriott uniform and would not make direct eye contact with me—keeping his head lowered—and, he also told me "I don't know" when I asked him where the Ron Paul event was happening. In fact, 3 employees rudely refused to tell me…but, the 4th employee I asked informed me to go to the 3rd floor. When we walked into the ballroom, a band was playing and I got this real bad vibration about this area. Now I know "hunches" don't count in this business but I felt something was not right!

2. My wife and I grabbed some snacks, ordered a soft drink, then sat down to listen to the band and that's when I noticed on the big screen that the Republican vote count was reported as being "41%" completed on the big screen in front of us…with McCain, Thompson and Guilliani each scoring 13% of the vote. Right then…I became upset because I knew in my gut that there was absolutely no way Guilliani could have captured 13% or 15,600 of 120,000 Republican votes in the conservative State of Iowa. Besides that, I reasoned, what's the chances of these three guys hitting the same percentage—that would be like getting three sevens on a slot machine. I complained repeatedly to my wife about the evident vote fraud.

3. Only about 15 minutes had passed, Ron Paul had not yet arrived and the live band took a recess. At this point, I got out of my seat and walked over in front of the stage to address the crowd of Ron Paul supporter who numbered about 60 to 80 people at that time. I said (as I can best recall): "excuse me, may I have your attention please." One guy shouted back "yeah, sure" and everyone got quiet. Then I said: "My name is Clarence Malcolm, I work for Ted Gunderson, a former FBI Division Chief, and I think we have vote fraud occurring here in Iowa because I just came from precinct 32 where Dr. Paul took 2nd place. Can some of you people tell me what your precinct results were with regard to Guilliani?" People began to shout to me that he had gotten "0" or "1" or only 2 or 3 votes in their respective precincts (mostly "0s". The people were listening very intently as I went on to explain that the vote count was apparently fraudulent. Then I told them about the manila envelope that I had delivered to Dr. Paul for Ted Gunderson the night before and I mentioned the fact that it contained information about a Neo Con plot to assassinate him. One lady shouted out: "They're going to assassinate Ron Paul?"…then, suddenly, a uniformed Marriott employee accosted me and ordered me to leave the building. I believed he had no right to do it but when two police officers asked me to leave, I complied and asked the crowd: "do you want me to leave?" Several people indicated that they did not. A couple of news reporters approached me to get information as I was being escorted out of the building. As I exited, one of the police officers indicated to me that he and the other officer supported Dr. Paul and warned me that if I returned I would be arrested. I told him that I was familiar with "trespass" law and would not attempt a return. They were very professional, respectful and polite to me.

4. I waited a minute for my wife to come out and we left for the GOP Headquarters on 9th Street where I intended to fervently complain about the apparent vote fraud—which I did—to a Jr. Staff member after arriving there and introducing myself as an investigator working for Ted Gunderson. I was assured by this individual that the voting was being conducted fairly…but I nevertheless ardently insisted that it was a "fraud" and told the people listening to me: "there is absolutely no way that Guilliani could have 13% of the vote." Linda and I were told that the votes "for the precincts" would be published the following day. As it turned out, they were not and the GOP has unreasonably refused to release the precinct votes. We were at GOP Headquarters for only ten minutes before exiting to go to my wife's parent's home where we turned on the television after arriving there.

5. To my astonishment, Guilliani's percentage had suspiciously dropped from 13% down to 3%—and this occurred in the 45 minutes between when we left the Marriot till arriving here at Linda's parent's home. I knew then that my complaints about Guilliani at the post-caucus rally and/or at the GOP Headquarters—more likely than not—had caused this sudden and very suspicious reduction in Guilliani's standing. Also suspicious, was that Dr. Paul's percentage remained at 10% during the most of the vote count period. It was obvious that the GOP Headquarters persons had broken their promise the day before to do a "live" vote count. On Sunday, January 4th, the Des Moines Register reported only the county totals…hence, I have concluded that the VOTE FRAUD most likely occurred when the votes were translated from precinct-to-county. The corrupt GOP conspirators know that the public could only know the vote count for their particular precinct and would have no way of verifying "county" totals—unless the complete list of precinct results could be obtained…and, as I said…this isn't going to happen. Of course, Christopher Bollyn has exposed that an Israeli Defense firm counted the votes [personally unverified].

6. Now, here's my speculation about the assassination plot in Des Moines. Could it be that because…for one reason or other…the alleged plot to assassinate Dr. Paul on Dec. 2nd in front of the Ft. Des Moines Marriott [presumed, of course, with no hard evidence—only strange coincidences/circumstances] was dwarted; and isn't it reasonable to assume that the conspirators—the assassination crew that was already on location—would make another attempt the following night at the Downtown Marriot…unless…some guy who claimed to work for an internationally renown, former FBI "honcho" stood up and publicly announced to the Ron Paul crowd that there was a plot afoot to assassinate Dr. Paul? Could they go forward with their plan after this? Why, were Dr. Paul to be assassinated, Ted Gunderson would be surrounded by reporters the next day. Well, who knows anything for sure except God…and He works his "divine intervention" in mysterious ways.

But, one has to wonder…why was I escorted out of the Marriott? Why did the Guilliani—the specific candidate I complained about—percentage drop so dramatically in only a 45 minute period? This suspicious incident has been reported across the internet but few know that it COINCIDENTALLY occurred after I had raised a ruckus at the Ron Paul event and at the GOP headquarters.

Dec. 5th, 2006. I received a phone call from a Washington D.C. number from a "Skip Parish" [Do you know this guy, Dave?] He claimed to be from Sarasota, Florida but his cell phone was a Washington DC number. I had Ted's phone on "speaker" so that my wife overheard my conversation with "Skip" who tried to convince me that I'd go no where with my investigation and then he proceeded to inform me about "how serious" these elections were…and how people could get killed…which both Linda and I determined was a subtle THREAT against me to back off of this VOTE FRAUD investigation stuff. This guy also wanted to know where I lived.

I've probably missed some details…but, this is most of what I know at this time.

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We should take all the gold we have in Fort Knox and fire it off into space. That way we'll never be tempted to do something as foolish as back our money with it.

It's a great idea, though I hear Ron Paul opposes it. He's a nut.

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I've always kinda liked Alan Colmes even though I disagree with him on everything and he is basically the FOX News whipping-boy liberal. I guess he just seems more reasonable sitting next to the very yelly Sean Hannity. Anyway, after the President's State of the Union Address Monday, FOX News had a text message poll on on whether the speech was good, fair, or poor. When they had the results, Colmes announced, "And the winner is... Ron Paul!"

Now here he is on his radio show handling a Ronulan trying to claim that Ron Paul won New Hampshire (hat tip Hot Air). You don't see that personality too much on FOX News.

And did you hear how Giuliani made fun of Ron Paul in his concession speech? You're never so down and out that you still can't make fun of Ron Paul and his nutty supporters.

UPDATE:

Got an e-mail from Alan Colmes:

Hi Frank,

Thanks for all the kind comments your commenters said about me. I’m going immediately for an AIDS test.

My blog is www.liberalland.com.

Alan

See what you idgits did? You made me look bad in front of the people at FOX News. Luckily Alan Colmes seems to have a sense of humor.

Anyway, let this be a reminder that anytime you write something bad about someone on the internet, he could be reading it. So be nice... unless you're talking about Ron Paul.

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Come to think of it, Ron Paul is an awesome candidate. Now that Fred Thompson is out of the race, we really should take a second look at him. If we want a good change in America, the way to go is Ron Paul. Just look at his positions on the issues and see how they match those of the Founding Fathers. Especially his flank two position. I repeat: His flank 2 position. Let's all talk about how awesome Ron Paul is.

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Listen to this audio of a Ron Paul supporter calling into the Gunny Bob radio show. (hat tip Hot Air)

And then there is this video of a Ron Paul supporter and his sign:

I think these people would be better off playing dungeons and dragons in their basement and pretending to save the world there.

But are we sure there are actual Ron Paul supporters and this all isn't some huge performance art? It's easier to buy both of these pieces as parody rather than actual people. Do you think these people will disappear after the election, because at some point I'll actually start missing them.

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I've noticed we've had a bit more Ronulans lately in the comments, and they've inexplicably seemed to have gotten even dumber to the point of basically shouting, "Ron Paul rulezzz!!! All others suxxors!!!" over and over no matter what is the post's subject. I'm tempted to think these are just people pretending to be Ron Paul supporters so as to (further) defame them, but how exactly can you tell someone pretending to be a social leper with the IQ of 60 from an actual sub-moronic, neo-Nazi Ron Paul supporter?

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Hair combed.
Shoes shined.
Jacket pressed.

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McCain had a huge advantage among anti-war voters -- even over Ron Paul -- despite him being perhaps the most solid candidate on the war. I don't know what to read from that other than apparently the fact that if someone is anti-war doesn't mean he wants to lay down with neo-Nazis (and that maybe McCain would do better at picking up independents in the general election than Republicans).

Exit Question: At what point will Ronulans have to face reality that their candidate won't win the nomination? Will it be sometime before the convention, at the convention, or will they continue their impotent scheming even after that?

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Now Ron Paul has no chance of being elected president. What's next? Someone finding a scandal about Kucinich and ruining his chances too?

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I just realized that the reason I make fun of Ron Paul is that, being a neocon, I secretly fear him and know I'm in trouble when him and his supporters inevitably take over. When Ron Paul wins the nomination (which I know will happen though I pretend to believe the poll numbers that the media use to try and marginalize Ron Paul and his supporters), I know that will be the end of me when the Americans turn on me and the rest of my neocon friends.

Also, he has the neo-Nazis and Twoofers behind him, and them guys is scary.

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So Ron Paul not only wants to immediately pull troops out of Iraq, he wants to remove troops from every single foreign country such as Germany and Japan. He also wants to remove them from Hawaii just to be on the safe side.

Apparently Ron Paul also has a big bone to pick with President Lincoln and spent time on Meet the Press denouncing him. Ron Paul sure knows how to pick his battles. He really is cranktastic; I expect after this is all over he'll live in shack in the middle of the woods with a bunch of canned food and muttering to himself. Probably the woods in Canada, because Ron Paul sure hates America (have you even seen a liberal denounce America and its actions this much?).

So what do you think Ron Paul will spend all his campaign millions on? I'm guessing gold and then his people will try to form their own country on a platform floating in the Gulf of Mexico.

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If the economy wasn't doing awesomely, would people have six million dollars to waste in this fashion? I mean, donating to Ron Paul is only one step above just burning the money (which I think a lot of Ronulans would like to do since worthless, evil American money isn't backed by the gold standard).

BTW, Ron Paul has gotten the coveted Andrew Sullivan endorsement if you needed any more proof his supporters are primarily crazy, hysterical people.

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Here's Ron Paul at the Spanish debate in Miami saying we should restore ties with Castro's Cuba. My favorite part is when they pan over to McCain who is cracking up:

BTW, at the beginning they're cheering the vote rejecting Hugo Chavez, not cheering for Hugo Chavez (it may be a Spanish language debate, but it's a Republican Spanish language debate).

(hat tip Hot Air)

UPDATE:

From the same debate:

Asked what he would do with Castro, who has reigned through nine different U.S. presidents, Fred Thompson said, grinning: "I'm going to make sure that he didn't survive 10 U.S. presidents."

Fred Thompson is awesome.

(hat tip Devil_Dog)

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I just realized I've been so down on actual Republicans running for the presidential nomination today that I forgot to mention Ron Paul.

Ron Paul is a nut who is only out-nutted by his supporters, the super-nuts. That is all.

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If I read correctly the Ronulan Rapid-Response Task Force postings in the comments to this post (and no, I don't know why the comments are broken, but I'm sure it involved some sort of conspiracy between the CIA, the Jews, and the Stonecutters), Ron Paul wants to bring home our troops, close the borders and just hunker down, hoping that no one attacks.

We'll call this the "Panic Room" foreign policy, after the insipid Jodie Foster movie. So, like Jodie, we'll just squat down in our thick metal box with our closed circuit TV's waiting for trouble to come to us.

Of course, trouble will NEVER come to the USA, because we're protected from violent Arab nutjobs by two big oceans, not to mention TSA agents with a near-psychotic hatred of half-filled Evian bottles. Until terrorists develop an ICBM, we needn't fear Muslim fanatics.

"Do you feel lucky, Ahmadinejad?"

Besides, just like killer bees, pirahnas, the Ebola virus, and a long list of other things over which the extinction of I would not shed even the crocodilest of tears, they've proven time and time again that they'll ALWAYS leave us alone as long as we leave them alone.

I'm quite positive there are no exceptions to this rule. "Religion of Peace", you know.

On the other hand, some people prefer that we deliberately infiltrate the sleaziest, most run-down areas of the globe, find swarthy-looking gangs of young men with guns and bad attitudes, wait for them to ask us for our wallets, then gun them down without mercy or remorse.

"Death Wish" foreign policy at its finest.

"Hey American! Give up your freedoms and live under Sharia Law so we can rape your women, enslave your men, and eat your babies!"

"Eat lead, Muhammed!"

*BLAM! BLAM!*

"Who else wants some? How 'bout YOU, Libya?"

"Hey, man, we're cool. I'm shuttin' down my nuke program. Don't taze me, bro!"

Then again, there's always the "Dirty Harry" foreign policy where you pop off with some cool, witty line before killing the bad guy. Which is pretty much how I picture a Thompson administration.

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WASHINGTON (AP) - Supporters of Republican presidential candidate Ron Paul have led protests and riots all across America after hearing the news that a Florida man recently named his teddy bear "Ron Paul", which they say is "an incitement to hatred".

Blasphemous bear bothers bonkers bozos

People who back the Libertarian-turned-Republican-for-electability's-sake gathered in vast numbers to protest the "blasphemous outrage", with crowds in larger cities easily reaching into the double digits. Believers in Ron Paul - or "Ronulans", as they prefer to be called - claim that the man with two first names is a prophet of radical political reforms whose tenets are not to be mocked in any fashion by "unbelievers, socialists, and the subhumans who've never heard of Ayn Rand".

The Florida man, Frank Fleming, seemed mystified by the violent response. "I don't get it. I named the bear after my favorite Christian saint, Paul, and my favorite male porn star, Ron Jeremy. All of a sudden, I've got crowds of freaks standing on my lawn, screaming that my bear is a sacrilege against the second coming of Benjamin Franklin. Or something. I had Rage Against the Machine on my iPod, so I didn't catch it all. The point is, these people are weird and they smell like a mix of rancid butter and flop-sweat."

Ron Paul '08 campaign spokesman, Jesse Benton, argued that the protests were necessary to keep Dr. Paul's name from besmirchment by the impious. "We believe in the one true Ron Paul, and live to serve his greatness, defending his glory from all enemies, both foreign and domestic, as it is written in the Holy Constitution, which Saint Thomas of Jefferson brought down on stone tablets from the sacred altar of Monticello. Besides, have you SEEN this bear? It has GLASSES! Ron Paul doesn't wear glasses! He sees with a more perfect vision - through the lens of the Holy Constitution!"

Mr. Paul could not be reached for comment, as he was otherwise engaged in a whirlwind tour of Iowa giving his signature speech, "No, I'm NOT the husband of that lady who makes all the fish sticks."

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I'm trying to decide whether to support Ron Paul or Fred Thompson for president. Does anyone out in the internets have some advice for me?

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Ron Paul is dumb. I'm glad no one is voting for him. Who wants to bring currency back to the gold standard like a bunch of cavemen? I guess people with simple minds who like shiny things. Not Americans though. Certainly not people who respect the Constitution.

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Got this as a late comment to a post about Ron Paul, and I thought I'd share. It was posted under the name "Ronald Reagan":

I like Ron Paul. He is a Vetean, and he will be a fine President.

I really do not understand why you would want to elect Hillary with all those loser Candidates.

Vote Ron Paul. He is the winner among us.

From context, I assume a Vetean is either a type of benevolent space alien or a member of a mystical suborder of the high elves.

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You know what they say about Ron Paul: First they ignore you, then they ridicule you, then they ridicule you, then they ridicule you, then they ridicule you, then they ridicule you, then they ridicule you...

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I know I seem really pro-Fred Thompson here, but I just want it to be known that in the end I'll support whoever is the Republican nominee... unless its Ron Paul. In that case, I'm going to seek out Morpheus so I can take the red pill.

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I saw Ron Paul at a rally the other day, and he was all talking about how important it is to follow the Constitution, but where he finally cited something from the Constitution, he said, "The Constitution clearly states that hitting your ball into a water hazard is a one stroke penalty!"

That's not the Constitution! This whole time he must have read the official rule for golf and thought it was the Constitution! All of his supporters just cheered, though, but maybe they didn't hear him because they were wearing underwear on their heads.

I can't believe a whole one percent of people want to vote for Ron Paul. Those are crazy people.

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Dean Barnett, who was one of my favorite bloggers until he recently left Townhall, has an article in the Weekly Standard that is perhaps the best explanation I've seen so far of Ron Paul's inexplicable popularity among crazy people. It also includes some nice photoshops that illustrate his point nicely. Go read it and come back here to make fun of Ronulans in the comments.

I think people who think Ron Paul is a great candidate should be removed from society and put into forced labor camps where they can make us wallets (as prescribed by the Constitution). What do you think?

(hat tip Conservative Grapevine)

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Wow. 4.2 million in one day. Let that be a lesson for politicians: You can have a huge online presence if you just get the insane conspiracy theorists, neo-Nazis, and other assembled losers energized by your candidacy.

Still, that won't be enough money to cover up that Ron Paul is a crank supported by people who make the Heaven's Gate cult look rational, and I wonder if all the donors are going to have a bit of buyers remorse when they think of what a rocking Star Trek convention $4.2 million could fund.

UPDATE:

Another Wired article on Ronulan shenanigans. Expect more freaking out from them.

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Ron Paul supporters are often mistaken for conservatives since they sometimes kill them and wear their skin.

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Biggest scandal ever! The writer of the Ron Paul spam article I linked to earlier has admitted in a Rudy Giuliani forum to having been bribed to write the phony article! Here's video evidence:

I just can't believe, though, she'd admit to being paid off in an open Rudy Giuliani forum. That's seems kinda sloppy.

Wait a second... where did we see the URL RudyGiulianiForum.com before?

Am I the only one who finds this clever for Ronulans? I mean clever in how you'd call a dog clever for figuring out how to work a door knob but you wouldn't say the same for a teenager. Anyway, it takes more brain power than their usual cutting and pasting statements in every blog comment section they can reach.

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Ron Paul sexually abused himself as a child.

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Just when you'd think Ron Paul supporters couldn't be any more annoying, it ends up they're using illegal spam to pester people about their screwball candidate. So that makes the Ron Paul base now twoofers, neo-Nazis, and spammers -- every societal reject hated by the average American.

So now we know where Ron Paul got all those campaign contributions from: He just sent out e-mails pretending to be a Nigerian prince until he could scam the money out of some people. If you get any e-mails from Ron Paul or his supporters make sure you don't give them any personal information!

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It's a well established fact Ron Paul can perform literal acts of magic that wow and woo his avid/rabid followers. His supporters, By and Large, (their actual names) have sworn to give their very lives at his command. They both work tirelessly to spread the troof about the wonderland a Ron Paul led free world would be. They also adjust internet polls to correct for the silent majority.

Ah, the crisp smell of a freshly restored U.S. Constitution is quite an enticing idea. We all bicker about those idiotic amendments and the Bill of rights anyway. They weren't in the original document so they really have tainted the Republic. Any present day Thomas Jefferson would tell you that.

That's not what's got me bothered. It's his voice. With every sentence he speaks the pitch rises. For a 2 minute debate answer it doesn't get too terribly painful. But can you imagine what would happen towards the end of a State Of The Union address? Don't bother, I can. T.V. tubes shattering, dogs howling in pain, vermin of all sorts running for their lives, eardrums bursting, bridges failing, the crust of the earth cracking in half. Is it worth it to destroy the planet, just to save the Republic? That's a question we'll need to answer.

Plus he was a gynecologist, which doesn't necessarily make him a pervert, but it's not so easy to wash your hands of that sort of activity. I'd like to think that the era of a having a resident of the White House who has been up close and personal with hundreds of hoohoos, chichis or whatever the technical term is, ended when Hillary moved out.

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No joke! Watch this clip (it's only twenty-two seconds) and listen to the sound Ron Paul makes right after George Stephanopolous tells him he has no chance of becoming President ("That's not going to happen."):

Tell me that's not some sort of alien insect language! I think it's pretty obvious that it's probably orders to the evil ant overlords waiting in orbit to attack the earth. Would the Thomas Jefferson of our time really sell us out to toil away in underground sugar mines simply because he's finally realized he has no chance of becoming President? I think all the evidence of that is right there in front of you.

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IMAO EXCLUSIVE: We have this new TV ad for Ron Paul made by one of his supporters:

Probably the most coherent case for Ron Paul I've seen one his supporters make thus far.

BTW, the Paul-bots already found the ad when I uploaded it last night and have been leaving comments. I think they liked it.

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Ron Paul supporters are easy to recognize, their signature headgear, when properly applied also keeps fat from dripping on your grill and flaring up. Also his name is Barry.

Ron Paul supporters not only appear when his name is invoked 3 times, it drives them crazy, an admittedly short trip.

The Federal Reserve killed most of Ron Paul's supporters puppies.

If you're bitten by a Ron Paul supporter if you don't become one, you do become a carrier.

Where do Ron Paul supporters have their meetups? A house of mirrors.

Ron Paul supporters never get sick and can only be killed by decapitating them. There can be/is only one.

When Ron Paul returns to the Earth, his followers believe he will restore the constitution so well that the ink will smell wet and also miraculously restore the moat around America to its pre-civil war glory.

To a Ron Paul supporter the first 10 amendments to the U.S. Constitution are collectively known as the Bill of WRONGS!

Every time a bell rings a Ron Paul supporter get his mouth very salivated.

Ron Paul supporters think everyone who doesn't support him fears him like they fear getting abducted by aliens, again.

When the feces found in the U.S. Capital was determined to be Ron Paul's, his supporters were quick to hail it the best idea, anywhere, ever and also delicious.

If Ron Paul falls in a forest, his supporter(s) will claim it's because gravity is inherently unconstitutional.

Some claim Ron Paul supporters spam online polls, the truth is they just all have the same I.P. address because... Hey! LOOK kittens!

The most ardent of Ron Paul's followers think the US government is too big when it has more people than the secret number Ron Paul has written on his magic anti-alien hemp underpants.

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Some people seem to be fervently for Ron Paul, but maybe this will finally convince them away from him...

That's right; photographic evidence that Ron Paul is in fact a villainous pirate. He doesn't seem so Jeffersonian now, does he?

...Close It

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Ron Paul is awesome; I can't get enough Ron Paul.

I should mention that John Hawkins recently had a column, The Conservative Case Against Ron Paul, which was great. Here are the e-mails he had from Ron Paul's supporters trying to convince him of his folly.

What's a good name for Ron Paul supporters? Ronulans? Pauloons?

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Ron Paul contemplates the advantages and disadvantages of eating your face.

Another possibility is that Ron Paul supporters spend all day scanning all blogs looking for a chance to spew their thoughts of Ron Paul greatness that builds up inside them until they feel like they're about to burst. This is not to say they think of nothing but Ron Paul; by their comments they also care about how the government caused 9/11 (though I thought Ron Paul said we made the terrorists attack us... which doesn't make any sense if we attacked ourselves) and the problem of the Jews and minorities.

The last most disturbing explanation of how apoplectic Ron Paul supporters seem to appear out of nowhere is that they are amongst us as we speak. Right next to you could be a Ron Paul supporter just waiting to be awoken like a sleeper agent. If this is true, your best bet is to try and lure them out. Every so often say, "Ron Paul is a nutter," and, if anyone around you says anything other than "Yes" or "Who's Ron Paul?", kill him and burn his body.

I'll end this dire warning with a fun exercise. Let's all try to come up with effusive praise of Ron Paul that matches statements of him being the last hope for America. Here's my attempt:

"Ron Paul is the only man who can get the international hot dog eating title back from the foreigners."

Try your own in the comments.

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I notice some Ron Paul supporters think the reason we make fun of Ron Paul is because we're threatened of his extreme political relevance. Of course, I tease chimps at the zoo, but that doesn't mean I'm contemplating voting for them.

Then again, I am threatened by the possibility of monkeys doing some sort of political takeover... while I don't fear any such thing with Ron Paul.

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