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June 05, 2007
The Bestest Entertainment News Ever Since Scrubs Got Renewed
Posted by sarahk at 11:45 PM

So's your face. HaHA. Preemptive strike.

HERE IS THE SUPER-AWESOME MOTHER-OF-ALL-FANTASTICKEST OF FANTASTIC-SUPERTASTIC NEWS!

Can you handle it?

I'm not sure you can.

Take a deep breath kids. Maybe I should put it below the fold. No, I'll wait till the end of the post.

The other thing is that Frank is painting our bedroom right now. The color is vanilla ice cream. No lie. We'll see how that turns out.

Ok. Are y'all ready? Prepare yourselves. Alright. Bravo is doing a reality show called...

Read More...


Rating: 2.9/5 (13 votes cast)

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May 17, 2007
LOST
Posted by sarahk at 01:15 AM

S
P
O
I
L
E
R
ALERT! (crossposted from mountaineer musings)
That's enough of a warning, right? Right.
I swear. Jack thinks he's god of the island. I want someone else to say something like, "Jack, there's just one problem with your plan: you're not Sayid, and he's the only one who's been kinda sorta clear-headed about this all season... So... I wanna know what the Iraqi thinks."

I love how Jack formulated this whole plan without consulting anyone else or even telling them that they should maybe prepare for an attack. What was he worried about? Widespread panic among 40 people? Oh no! The public squares will be flooded as people scramble to eat all the Dharma crackers before Hurley gets to them!

I hope Charlie doesn't die this episode. I'm kinda starting to like him again. And I hope Locke doesn't die either, because he finally stopped acting like a weiner last episode, right before he got shot. But I'm less worried about him than I am about Charlie, because Locke has those crazy island healing powers. Save Locke, save the world!

So... this whole "they found the plane" thing... a staging by the Others or what?

Ooh, Juliet, be careful with that dynamite, remember what happened to Ardtz. Isn't that how his name was spelled? Hey, that anagrams to Dratz. Dratz indeed.

Boy, who ever wants to see a grim look from Desmond in the morning? It's like the grim reaper waking up and pointing at you and saying, "Yep, it's you today. Sorry, broothah."

Methinks Juliet (an Other) knows that Charlie is not a swim champ, since she knows everything about all the passengers. (She's an Other.)

They're coming right now?! Juliet, that liar! Oh wait. Not surprised.

Not a very good kiss between the two island kids. But they're young yet. They'll learn.

Whoa. Alex's boyfriend not experienced with guns. Don't point that thing at people!

You think the grim reaper's gonna take one for the team? "I'll get this one, broothah. Here's my scythe, I'm passing it on to you now. Take good care of it fah me."

Charlie... uh, dude. Writing down the top five moments in your life is like singing a departure song or being the best singer on American Idol. You're dooming yourself! Oh, and then he went and told the baby he loved him and got kissed by the hot girl. Doomed! I hope he at least gets a silent countdown clock at the end of the episode.

For you Melbourne, Florida, viewers: Arms stiff-as-a-board at your sides... Hi, I'm David Maus! I love to imitate him. He looks so tense.

Bernard! You can't say "Nothing's gonna happen to me" on a J.J. Abrams show! Stupid. He's dead.

Well, Rose, I suspect you're the only person who likes Jack lately. Jack's been acting like a dweeb and a wuss until about this morning.

Yay Sayid! Jack, you go lead the people to the radio tower, doctor dweebface, while I run the military operations. Or I stick bamboo under your fingernails and the fingernails of your new Other girlfriend. Yes. Go. Mmmhmm. That's what I thought.

Ha, I love Hurley. "Yeah, whatever dude, love you too." Very rushed, very quiet.

They do LOST specials more often than Hope Brady gets brainwashed by Stefano. And the Tivo description is always "Mysteries of the island are revealed."

Sorry excuse for a life, Chahhlie? You were a hobbit. What's better than that?!

So Desmond didn't see that coming? Chahhlie hitting him in the head with the paddle? Dream about that, Des!

Huh. Ok, I saw pretty much everything in the episode coming except the chicks in the Looking Glass station showing up with guns. I wonder if Des saw them coming.

Who does Jack love next week? Kate or Juliet? Or is it Sun? Rose? And will Locke show up and save the day?

Rating: 2.6/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (3)
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May 09, 2007
American Idol Season Yawn - Top Four
Posted by sarahk at 08:46 PM

Ok, so I'm a day behind on Idol. Big whoop. Last night was a big whoop night anyway. Maybe I'll get tonight's recap up by late tonight, or maybe it'll be up tomorrow. Don't tell me who the big loser is tonight! (I'm guessing Kiki and her giant boobies, which she unbridled anew last night. Yes, that's my official prediction: LaKisha and her enormous milk canisters and even more enormous ego -- HE'S BARRY GIBB! LISTEN TO HIM! -- go home tonight. Word to your mothers. And if it's not her, it's Comrade Blahk. Eastern Blahk, that is. Haaaaaa, I'm hilarious. You know it. Laugh.) BTW, LaKisha? Nothing but a panderer.

Anyway, on with last night. Let's pretend I'm just now watching for the first time.

Hey y'all! Blake looks like a communist in headlights as the only guy left in the running this year. Is that Judge Judy in the audience? It totally looks like her. Ryan says it's important to vote. And you know what? He's right, because Joey and Kym were in the bottom two last night? What?? And it's true, I forgot to vote. Ian and Cheryl danced to that commie song! Not to mention that Ian isn't even in the same league with Joey or Laila or Apolo O-Yes (whoa). The clear top two are Apolo and Julianne and Joey and Kym. Laila and Maks are third (sorry, but she has total spaghetti arms, and his choreography is not nearly as inventive! Plus, he totally tried to snake Mike Modano's girl last year, so I don't like him. Boo.), and Ian and Cheryl are fourth. I guess there are a lot of thirty-something gay guys out there who LOVED 90210 still voting for Ian and Cheryl. It's the only explanation. I mean, you saw Cheryl's face when they were not in the bottom two, right? She was like, "Holy crap! I want a recount! Did you even see the way this guy holds onto me like I'm a mildewy rag he's taking to the hamper? 'Ew, ew, ew, it's a woman, get it off me!' Are you sure we're not in the bottom two? They show his hair on TV, right?"

/DWTS tangent

So tonight they sing twice. I was wrong, Frank was right. And it's Barry Gibb night. Yes, yes, yes. I LOVE the BeeGees and all forms of any Gibb anywhere.

OH! Seriously (not to say that my talk about loving Gibbs is not serious, because peeps, it IS serious, just ask my mom, who got me hooked, Jordin), I was painting or cleaning the kitchen last night when the show was on, i.e., not looking at the screen, and when they played the BeeGees hit parade, I happily listened until "How Deep is Your Love" came on. And it sounded soooo. Verrrrrry. 'NSYNC. I know the period thing is so. two. years ago. But it was warranted there, I promise. I almost knocked myself out trying to run to the TV. THEY WORKED WITH 'NSYNC? How did I miss it? No, it was the BeeGees alone. Awesome.

"We're living in a world of fools..." Enough with the Sanjaya jokes, ok? It's over.

And when did Barry Gibb decide that he's Sean Connery? I could not get over it last night. Every time he spoke, I would bust into some James Bond line or other poor Connery impression. Frank eventually jumped into the game, too, even though he was painting the guest room. It looks great, btw. The color is so rich in there! And you look out the window, and there's a palm tree. I'm not a big fan of palm trees. But it looks pretty, and I hear Floridians love them.

01 Melinda's first song is "Love You Inside and Out," which Barry was confused by, because it's supposed to be a falsetto man song, and she isn't going falsetto on it. Eventually he says she pulls it off, but I don't see her shining on this. Mebbe, mebbe neh. Melinda says her goal is to take a group song and make it work in a solo. Uhhhhh... that's so unusual on American Idol? Didn't you have to do it just last week on Bon Jovi week? Anyway, I heart her, so I don't want to bag on her too much. She looks great. Dark jeans, modest funky cool black blouse, black boots, cool jewelry, okay hair. She does fine on the song, but she's not stretching herself or going for it or anything. I don't feel like she's putting herself out there like she's Kiki's boobies or Haley's hoo-hah or Seacrest's ambiguity. RANDY: Another solid performance. I don't know if I was jumping up and down. SARAHK: Did you feel any jiggling movements? That's how I can tell if I'm jumping up and down. Mainly my thighs and boobs start to hurt. We probably feel it in the same places. RANDY: But you know, it was good. PAULA: You know, it's hard to critique you, because your vocals are spot on. We want to say whoa whoa whoa whoa. You're consistent. SARAHK: Kind of like Pauler with the collagen and vodka. And wow, check out the eyeshadow on her tonight. SIMON: I think what Pauler was attempting to say was that was she wasn't that impressed by it. You know, four people left... I expect incredible tonight. SARAHK: Hahahahahaha. Jordin and Melinda are the only ones who aren't generally predictable, and Melinda is in danger of becoming boring. SIMON: That was not incredible. That was more of a backing vocalist's performance. You are better than that. Luckily, you've got a second song. RYAN: Paula, is that what you were trying to say? PAULA: It's good that I'm short and succinct, because we're going to go over tonight because of him. SARAHK: Usually aren't you the warble gooby deedler? SIMON (to Ryan with glee): You just got cut off by the music. SARAHK: Boof on you! In your face! Oh, snap! Y'all, it's gettin' hot up in here.

02 Comrade Blahk Ilyich Lewis is up next, and he is singing "You Should Be Dancing." Barry says the beatboxing really suits the song, because there's a breakdown area in the song. Ouch, right off the bat, we have issues. We now have white skunk tiger stripes in Comrade Blahk's black hair, and I cannot take this joke seriously. He's kidding, right? And he's wearing flowers on his jacket. And some kind of priest collar. With the flowers. I'm pretty sure that's a girl jacket. I think this week he is definitely trying for the Yoko look. If he comes in with little round glasses tonight or next week if (shudder) he's back, we'll know for sure that he is trying to be a Yoko Ono knockoff. The song isn't too bad, except the very first note, which is way off-key. I don't know, dawg, the falsetto on this was actually a'ight, and the skipping and whatnot was ok, but the overall effect just was way too... misguided, Arrested Development fans. Misguided. Mr. F. RANDY: Sometimes when you do the beatboxing it works. Tonight it didn't work. Just keepin' it real. This song didn't need any of that. I just felt like I was in some weird discotheque in some foreign country. SARAHK: *cough* Germany *cough* SIMON: Germany. SARAHK: Ha. PAULA: I have a different take on that. I think it started a little off. Your pitch was off. You didn't have the best night. You showed why you're unique and why you're on that stage. SARAHK: You had quite a lot of criticisms, so why not just tell him that he showed why he should go home? CRICKETS: *chirp* SARAHK: Too mean for Pauler? Oh yeah. SIMON: I'll give you unique. And I know that this is a matter of personal taste, but I thought that that was a terrible performance. MUSIC: Do doot do doot do doot do doot... SIMON: I haven't finished. SARAHK: Mr. Gorbachev, TEAR DOWN THIS WALL!

Read More...


Rating: 2.4/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (5)
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April 11, 2007
American Idol Six - Top Eight elimination night
Posted by sarahk at 10:02 PM

Speaking of elimination, the Dallas Stars are soooo going to eliminate the Vancouver Canucks from the Stanley Cup playoffs this round. Just so you know. /minor hockey trash talk

Wow. My first Whopper Jr. in ages. I won't get to have them for much longer, and mmmm. I forgot how good they are.

Oh yeah. American Idol. You can see how much I care about this season any more. I'm aching for Kellie Pickler to return, that's how much I un-heart this season. Yep. New lows.

Seacrest says the contestants brought flair, passion, and power to the Latin special. No, Ryan. They brought suckitude, apathy, and yawns. Seacrest asks who is going home and then gives Sanjaya a long look. Nope, don't think so, but it's good we're all fully IN the Universe of Sanjaya.

Randy says Latin songs are hard to sing, but the contestants overall did good. Paula giggles when Ryan asks if she saw a new side to the contestants. She and her vodka can't stop laughing. Simon says he did indeed sleep after complimenting Sanjaya last night.

The top eight (used loosely, of course) are singing "Bailamos" by William Hung, et al. It's not good. Oh, and I can't help but laugh at the producers' joke when Sanjaya and Haley are center stage for a duet. Well played. It must be fuh-reeeeezing in that auditorium tonight, because Haley is clothed. Or I don't know, maybe Haley's mama finally told her that in Texas, we don't like our girls to be h*s.

AI "Challenge": Which of Elliott Yamin, Kat McPhee, and Taylor Hicks performed with Meatloaf at last year's finale. How could we forget that? I mean... really. How. I don't remember what I said at the time, but I'm recalling it with a big fat "egad".

Oh yeah, the songwriting contest! I assume they're having this because the finale songs have gotten worse every single year. The song that wins will be sung on the finale. Please peeps, send in non-crappy, non-campy, non-"inspirational" drivel that someone would sing weepily to their mama at a 50th wedding anniversary party, ok? Avoid songs in the key of dull. Prime examples of what to stay away from include: "Inside Your Heaven" (known in our house as "Inside Your Tear Ducts"), "Do I Make You Proud" (Weird Al's version is so much better), "Flying Without Wings", and whatever nasty spittle Kat McPhee sang for the finale last year.

Seacrest went to the streets to interview people about the show. It's kinda cute. A lady ran away from Ryan at the end when he said "Come on baby, give me a nice, wet, lickery kiss."

A-Kon is on again singing "Don't Matter". He really likes singing on American Idol, because he was on with Gwen Stefani two weeks ago. He wants to fight for his right to love, yeah. You know what? I'm just happy he's not singing about b**ch*s and kn*p*y h**d*d h*s, as the hip-hop artists are so inclined to do these days. (And yes, I grew up in urban America and was a minority in my high school by the time I graduated, and I'm quite sure that at our school, knappy was spelled with a k. I'm well-educated on knappy. It means tangled, bushy, messy, gross. Even white people with dreds can have knappy hair--my mom's best friend's son and my own brother have had some knappy dreds, dawg. Every time I saw my brother with dreds, I would most assuredly make a comment about his knappy hair. It wasn't racist. It was just because his hair was knappy. For more urban education, just ask me questions. I'm happy to help.)

What was I talking about? Yes. The bad Ford commercial. It's "Knappy Together". No, sorry, that's "Happy Together". They got ahold of the CSI: Horatio visual effects and started morphing heads into other heads and cars into other cars. Morphing is wrong. I'm coming out against genetic morphing, especially genetic morphing funded by my American Idol votes and my driving of a Ford.

I can't actually see the game right now, because we have 2 things recording on the DVR, and our non-livingroom TVs don't get VS channel. But according to the Stars' website, the game is knotted at 1, thanks to our Captain. At 11 I can switch to the game. Florida sucks and has no sports radio, at least the east coast of Florida.

LOL, Soup moment: they're promoting the charity event, and Simon is showing the children in Africa that the charity event will help, and one of the little girls drew Simon with boobies. Simon says he doesn't much like her.

Ryan asks Simon if they raise $20MM, will Simon get up and sing onstage? Simon says no, you can do better.

They do a splice job with the judges trashing a contestant and Tony Bennett auditioning. "Other door."

NO NO! They're recapping the Latin show! WHY?! I like my ears! I need them for hearing and producing wax! They show Haley after the judges' comments last night, and Haley says, "I guess I'm gonna go, uh, put a robe on." Yes, because that's the first time she's heard the comment about her dressing problem? Wah.

Oh, poor wittle Haley says it hurt a little bit, and she's not gonna wear anything that she feels is inappropriate. Yes, just what would you consider inappropriate? Garters and crotchless panties?

Phil is in the bottom three.
LaKisha is safe.
Jordin is safe.
Melinda is safe.
Haley is in the bottom three.
Ryan keeps teasing Sanjaya and telling him to stand up but then telling him to sit back down, because we're not ready for him yet.
Blake is safe.
Chris is in the bottom three. Sanjaya is safe.
I predicted this bottom three exactly. It's not even challenging to predict the bottom three! Now there's a break and then a J-Lo.

After the break, Chris gets to sit back down. He is safe to sing another day. Finally, we will be rid of either the Hoo-Hah Girl or Pennywise. I actually hope it's the Hoo-Hah girl. Yes, I who have always withheld Phil's number would rather keep him around if it means getting rid of LegsMcCrotchy.

Hey, if J-Lo was a contestant, I would vote for her over any of the other contestants last night. My critiques would be that she ran out of breath a little at the end, and she needs to put her middle finger down a little. She was much more passionato than the others. J-Lo says she thinks she comes from the Paula school of criticism, not that we don't need our Simon. She believes in accentuating the positive. At least she's honest. She's charming and clothed for the evening.

Haley and her hoo-hah are going home, to the place where they belong, where love has always been enough for them. That's all I know of the song, still.

Next week is country with Martina McBride!! The only week to look forward to. But with this bunch, I'm not optimistic.

Rating: 1.8/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (12)
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April 10, 2007
American Idol Six - Top Eight
Posted by sarahk at 10:37 PM

Latin night. Also known as Producers Hate SarahK Night #34,847. Oooooh! The cast of Drive, including Nathan Fillion! I heart him.

That's about all I care about on this show anymore -- Nathan Fillion being in the audience. Gina is gone. Chris Sligh is gone. Melinda should win but probably won't, because some people will be distracted by LaKisha's Breasts, Jordin's Smile, Sanjaya's Hair, Pennywise's Reflective Head, and Haley's Hoo-Hah. Oh yeah, Blake's my 2nd fave, voice wise, but I don't want to buy the crappy electronikka CD he'll want to put out--if he would just sing and look nice and stuff, I would be happy, but he really likes the digital, yo. Jordin could be my 3rd favorite of those left, but I'm afraid she'd want to do bubble-gum pop, and, um--ew. Chris R is probably my #2 (based on the fact that I wouldn't like Blake's and Jordin's CDs) of those left, but he's been in the bottom two so often and makes bad song choices (according to America) often enough that Haley's Hoo-hah will flash him right out way too early anyway.

So yeah, I don't care. Bring on Sanjaya's bad hair decision of the week so I can throw up my dinner already.

Oh, and for Latin week, it's Jenny from the Block. J-Lo. Didn't she grow up in the very Latino Bronx? Just for clarification purposes. I mean, I'm too lazy to google it (google it), but y'all can if you want. I'm going straight from rote. Whew, big words! I have to occupy myself somehow with this boring show now that there's no one to get excited about.

For the record, I like J-Lo as an actress, don't care for her as a singer, and avoid her tabloid shenanigans like the plague, because oh my.

Why not say who is your favorite, Miss Lo? Please! Do something interesting before I change the channel!

Oh, um--Latin music? Yeah, not so much. Please keep it in Latinastan and don't subject me to it. Oh, I guess I said that in my first line.

01 Melinda is singing "Sway", an incredibly boring Latin song. She did her hair up like a grama. J-Lo told her to be sultry and sexy, and Melinda says that will be hard for her, because she's so not sexy. I'm a little tense until she comes out. She's obviously going for sexy this week. She is sexy in a sleek black dress, but she's still modest. Kudos there. Say, Melinda, there's this girl named Haley. You should give her a tip about how to be sexy without flashing the goodies to the world. This is sultry and whatnot, but incredibly boring, but it's Latin music, so I suspect one of the best of the night. We'll see. She almost doesn't hit the end note right, but she just makes it, barely. It was a yawner but mostly spotless. Other than the hair, she looks fantastic, probably the best she's dressed any night of the competition. RANDY: Yeah, dawg. Not one of your best, but yeah. PAULA: Sultry, sexy, you look lovely. You didn't have to wow us. SIMON: Well it had to happen, Melinda. I didn't like it. I'll tell you why. That song is all about personality. You appeared much older than you are. At this stage, you have to put on a wow-factor performance every week. I think you're better than that. RYAN: Were you worried what Simon would say? MELINDA: Actually, I'm happy, because he really wanted to say something bad, and he got the chance. (Even Simon can't help himself, he laughs.) SARAHK: BTW, your lipstick is way too red.

02 Wow, that is a DWTS dress that Kiki is wearing tonight with her giant breasts bursting out of the seams. My bad, I only saw the boob part of it while she was sitting. It's just loud like the DWTS dresses. Ok, so we've had all these legends on the show--Tony Bennett, Diana Ross, Lulu, et al--and LaKisha has ignored every bit of advice from them (no, I'ma do my own thang, because I'm Kiki tha Great). Now we have J-Lo... J-LO!!! And LaKisha is all over that advice! Show me how to move, I'll do it. How do I pronounce conga, Miss Latina from the Block? Oh no. I was wrong. She didn't take the advice on how to pronounce conga. Would it be wrong of me to advise her on not wearing dresses that accentuate the backfat? Sorry, but I have backfat, and I don't wear dresses in which the backfat spills out over the back edge of the dress. At least not on purpose. No, I just can't let it go. Bad form. The song, the song. It's Latin crap. I hated it when Gloria and the Miami Vice or whoever did it, and I hated it this time. Yuck. Nothing good about it, nothing special. Boring and safe and frankly, I was too distracted by the above to even hear the mediocrity. Please, where is Gina? RANDY: Yo, check it out, whatever we were missing with Melinda, here it is, you brought it, that was hot, welcome back. SARAHK: Come again? PAULA: You look lovely. SARAHK: Come again? PAULA: I didn't love it as much as Randy did. I felt it was very safe. I'm ready for you to bring it again. We love ya. SIMON: Do you agree? KIKI: Not so much. SARAHK: Come again? SIMON: I agree with Pauler. It was safe. The dancing wasn't very good. (Kiki looks shocked by this.)

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Rating: 2.8/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (18)
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April 09, 2007
24 Day 6 -- 9 p.m. to 10 p.m.
Posted by sarahk at 10:44 PM

So here we are in shark-infested waters. Many sharks have been successfully hurdled this season. We've chopped off arms (wait, didn't we already do that in the season finale of season three?), only to have the chopped off arms get lots of salt in the open wounds when the tide washed in (ouchie!). President Waynewreck got his presidency back just in time to become an adrenaline addict so he could successfully launch an attack on an unnamed Middle Eastern country. I think it's Pakistan (no offense, Pakistan, it's just my theory, get mad at the writers who won't name the fictional country, k?). Frank thinks it's Iran. Would that it were so, but see, the West turns into a big giant weenie when it comes to Iran. Hopefully not for long. Well then. You know how I feel about the subject of "should we stick it to Ahmadinejad?".

Ooh. Waynewreck's hand is shaking.

How convenient! Unnamed Middle Eastern Country's ambassador has suddenly (after our launch, and at two minutes to impact) uncovered "new" information about the attacks on our country. What?? They've been withholding info from us? Inconceivable!

UMEC's ambassador just said "For G-d's sake", not anything about Allah. How'd he become ambassador for UMEC?

Waynewreck says he'll abort the missile, but UMEC's ambassador better get over there like now and hold his hand for the rest of the day until the crisis is over.

Paging Dr. House: Everyone on 24 this season has developed Whispering Disease, also known as Bauer Mouth Syndrome. It appears to be contagious and travels through phone lines, as talking on the telly with Jack Bauer is the most common cause. Symptoms include but are not limited to:
Chronic whispering even when enclosed in underground bunkers where no one can hear you (I promise)
Annoying, Dangerously Stupid Female Relative Syndrome
Chronic scowling
Keeping important details to yourself until after the top of the hour and then revealing them in a dramatic whisper before walking or running out of the room
Making wrong wrong wrong decisions involving national security (this is a repeating symptom and should be controlled with medically induced comas and/or accidental death)

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Rating: 2.4/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (18)
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April 03, 2007
American Idol Six - Top Nine
Posted by sarahk at 09:25 PM

It's Tony Bennett night on AI. Prepare yourselves for total suckitude! Speaking of suckitude, make sure to buy our new t-shirt (and other items), a Ducky especial.

Tony Bennett calls this a rare group. Rare, indeed.

01 Blake Lewis is singing "Mack the Knife". Tony Bennett wants him to slow it down, give the words more impact, and think about that Mack the Knife is a gangsta, yo. Blake sounds great, is not taking this slow tempo at all. He looks great, is dressed very jazz-loungey. A couple of pitch issues, cute scatting at the end, not too much of it. He covered the big butt for me, good job. If you ask me, he twirled around too much for me. Dancing and moving is fine, but spinning? Save it for Dancing with the Stars, k? RANDY: Yo, great way to start off the night. Couple pitch problems. You're kinda funky, jazzy, cool kinda guy. PAULA: You personify pizzazz. You're a hip cat. SIMON: Good song choice, performed it well. I give you 7 out of 10, give the band 8 out of 10. The band had a big part in that. SARAHK: It was very good. Not boring at all, a big improvement over what you've been putting out recently. Good news: It's voteworthy!

Lots of Brits are coming for the Idol charity thingy this month. Even Kelly Clarkson is going to stop dissing Idol for the event. It's about time. Well... it is. I heart her, have her CDs, I'm just saying, it's about time.

WH Phil Stacey is singing "Night and Day". TB says Pennywise is one of the better singers he's heard in a long time? He's been wearing Bose noise-filtering earphones or something? Anyway, Tony wants to put a beat behind the song, because Pennywise is boring. You know, I'm a fan of owning your baldness if you're bald. Bruce Willis pulls it off spectacularly. Shoot, Demi Moore did too. I think if you're going in that direction, just own it. But Pennywise? Consider not owning it. As to the performance. From the neck down is good, I like the suit. This is actually a good genre for him, and had he come out and sung in his normal voice, I think it would have been great, maybe even voteworthy. But he did that whole affectation thing where he tried to sound like someone else, sound like he's an old-school crooner. He would have been better off using his own voice. Because some of the song was really good. But then he put on airs, and it just made me grimace and want to run from the sewers and leave Derry, Maine, forever. Shame. RANDY: Check it out, interesting choice. I didn't feel real connection, any passion. (Boos.) I know how you feel, I was listening to it too. PAULA: You're reminiscent of a young Frank Sinatra. SIMON: What?? PAULA: But you need to warm up and let your vocals come through. SIMON: It had all the joy of someone singing in a funeral parlor. It was gloomy, slightly dark. SARAHK: Could have been great, but it came off as fake, and yeah, now that Simon points it out, gloomy. RYAN: What do you think about what the judges said? PHIL: I was just trying to focus on my wife... SARAHK: And focusing on your wife gets us fake and gloomy? Stop talking. It doesn't help you.

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Rating: 3.4/5 (16 votes cast)

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April 02, 2007
24 Day 6 -- 9 p.m. to 10 p.m.
Posted by sarahk at 10:42 PM

No recap. Snark only. No time for recap/rewrite. There is much to do.

BTW, how 'bout that shark jumping/mounting last week when Jack questioned and used the mentally handicapped or autistic man?

Oh, and Nadia (Yassir)? Totally a mole. It's so obvious that I can even tell you her middle name (Nina).

Can you think of a more Over-The-Top character than VPOTT? Or a more whispery one than Waynewreck?

Jack likes the idea of two men fighting over the presidency, because then he doesn't have to honor the immunity agreement for Gredenko. If only that had happened earlier... when there was still a Curtis and an Assad, and the immunity agreement in question could have been Assad's, and I wouldn't have to hate Jack.

Re: above shark jumping/mounting. Who am I kidding? This show has been playing badminton all season, and the shark is the net! And in case I haven't said it in total snooty fashion: Worst. Season. Ever.

I wish it were a less smarmy VP, because Waynewreck is such a lousy excuse for a president.

You know, I really like Bisquick.

What's up with Ricky Schroeder?

Oh goodness, they're letting BlacKim write the arguments for reinstating Waynewreck?

Well, that was quite an intimate hand-hold between VPOTT and his blonde perjurous bimbette. She says the end justifies the means, and on one hand I agree, because Waynewreck just wants to sit there and look weak and let America look weak, but on the other hand, it's a little... you know... unconstitutional. Then again, the way Waynewreck is cringing and flinching, he could flop over at any minute.

Bisquick is a little industrious, then, isn't he? I keep thinking someone is going to stab him with a shiv right in the kidney in the hallway.

Now that Waynewreck has been "reinstated" or not uninstated, I'll betcha he's gonna slump right over at his desk and kick off before the end of the episode.

Hey, Chloe! I wish she were more Chloe this season.

Say, whatever happened to the "dirty bomb", the nuke that split open? Is that non-news now? Just a catalyst for the whole takeover thing? I guess since it happened in San Francisco and not LA, it's not important to the show. You know they can't leave LA on this show.

Ew. They cut off Gredenko's arm. He must really heart bin Diesel.

Huh? So they ran into a bar together, and then Gredenko told everyone in the bar, "That's him. That's the guy they're looking for." And bin Diesel shot at Gredenko, then shot a civilian, then the men in the bar started kicking the crap out of bin Diesel. Yes, we didn't see that coming. I guess he was like, "That b**tard cut off my arm! I mean, I told him to, but still! He did it anyway!"

So now CTU gets bin Diesel, and Gredenko's blood loss is heavy, and he is washed up... so to speak. A-HAHAHAHA. I'm so funny.

Waynewreck is getting another shot of adrenaline, which I think is what will kill him...

And no. In the syringe WAS NOT ADRENALINE AT ALL! IT WAS SPINE-GENERATING FLUID! Bisquick and the Ever-Shrill Mr. F are like, "What?" when they hear that Waynewreck is launching the nuclear strike on the fictional Middle Eastern country after all. "I didn't come back to save the country from that policy, I came back so you would RESPECT MY AUTHORI-TAH!"

YAY!

I mean that in a total world-peace-wanting way. But the only way to get world peace is to forcefully make people stop killing us. Even if it's a rogue mission, the world doesn't see it that way. The world sees it as, "Hey, America doesn't fight back! Cool! Free attack zone and student visas for all!"

Even with the assertion of authori-tah, he still can't manage to raise his voice above a whisper.

So I guess Wayne won't die until next week.

BTW, Joey and Kim totally should have gotten 9s tonight, and last night's Amazing Race was AWESOME. I love the beauty queens Dustin and Kandice. They're my favorites, I hope they win.

Rating: 3.1/5 (11 votes cast)

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March 28, 2007
American Idol Six - Top Ten elimination
Posted by sarahk at 10:35 PM

Ryan says the two important questions are who will go home and how Sanjaya will wear his hair. Then Ryan comes out in a faux-hawk wig. I'm not sure who pulled it off better. I give them both an A for effort. Did I just say that? I'm off my game, yes?

They do the recap.

I think if Haley doesn't go home, it will be Chris Sligh. That makes me sad, because he shouldn't be going home yet. But he's been so safe lately. :-(

Bad Ford commercial is "I Fought the Law", and it's actually good! I enjoyed it, anyway.

Blake is safe.
LaKisha is safe.
Phil is in the bottom three.
Melinda is safe. What? Chris R. is making fun of her with the surprised face. That is so cute.
And Chris R. is safe! Yay!
Sanjaya is not being thrown out with the Bath Water, he is safe. Come on, someone had to make the pun. He sang the song, not me.
Haley is in the bottom three.
Jordin is safe.
So it's to Gina and to Chris Sligh. If Chris is in the bottom three, I think my bottom three prediction is 100% accurate tonight. Lemme go check. Yep.

And now we go to break, and Gwen Stefani is going to perform, and Chris and Gina have to sit through it not knowing. Gina gets so emotional.

American Idol "Challenge": Which of Bo Bice, Ruben Studdard, Taylor Hicks was dubbed the "Velvet Teddy Bear"? Hrm. I entered the first week, I should start entering these again so Frank and I can have a shot to go to the finale.

Gwen Stefani is out to perform. Is that Mekhi Phifer with her? A-Con? A-Kon? I don't understand his name, but anyway, he's going on tour with her. You know, I don't enjoy her music most of the time (it's just not my type), and her voice is not my favorite (she stays in that low range almost exclusively), and I don't like the hoo-hah shorts, but--I know I keep saying this--she seems like a genuinely nice person. And she is a true performer, and I love to watch people who love what they do. She oozes that.

Gwen will be back for the AI charity thing next month.

Publix Ginger Ale is $2 a 12 pack this week, and I like Publix Giner Ale. So you know.

Chris Sligh is in the bottom three.

Phil is safe. Now it's Chris or Haley going home. Simon says it's Chris going home. I fear he may be right, but I stick by my prediction.

Chris is going home, and Haley gets to stay. Shame. I'm sad. I hope he gets picked up for TV (American Idol host? Just kidding, Ryan, you know I love you.) or maybe by a Christian label.

Sanjaya and Haley remain, and Chris is gone. But you know what? This means there is something bigger and better in store for Chris and his lovely wife.

Rating: 2.9/5 (10 votes cast)

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American Idol Six - Top Ten
Posted by sarahk at 10:15 AM

Ok, more detailed now. I'll put what I quickie-wrote last night in italics and add the exhaustive tediousness.

Ryan says Gwen Stefani is supplying the song list tonight, which takes away some of my confusion, because I wondered what kind of disaster it would be with only about two contestants having the body and charisma to pull off Gwen Stefani and No Doubt songs. So it's Gwen Stefani, No Doubt, and bands that inspired them like The Police, The Cure, and Donna Summer (?).

I don't normally read anything anyone else has written before I write up my bit, but my initial impressions are already out there and aren't going to change. I thought Gwen Stefani was great. Funny thing is, she dresses and dances like a skank on stage, and if she were an Idol contestant, I would probably have her at the bottom of the list for her skankiness but at the top of the list for her personality. She just seems like a nice person. And on-stage persona notwithstanding, for some reason she comes across to me as a classy broad. I don't know why. Now since I've had my morning Oreos and done my morning reading before writing this, I've read what other people had to say. I don't know why everyone was hating on Gwen last night. I read that she didn't say anything, or that she had no critiques, or just stood there, blah blah. Y'all do get that they had 10 singers in 67 minutes last night, right? Cut in with your standard 87 minutes of commercials and promos for EVIL AT&T Wireless, and you're left with about 60 seconds of song, 60 seconds of judging, 30 seconds of Seacrest blather, and 5 seconds of contestant intro. Oh, not to mention that they now have Inane Viewer Email of the Week to answer and Gratuitous Shot of One of the Nigels "Dancing" in the Audience of the Week to show. So maybe y'all should think about it a little, cut sweet skanky Gwen some slack, and realize that the producers gave her the short end of the stick and probably cut out 95% of what she said and just popped in the quick little sit-down interview. She might actually have coached them while they were at the piano, but since she only got her 5 seconds, they just showed the leopard chair part.

Contestants, feel free to email me if I'm wrong. I know you read here, because some of you take my advice. I promise to keep you anonymous so the producers don't fire you. (sarahk47~at~gmail~dot~com).

Also feel free to email if you know why I got all up on my soapbox (it makes me sound less haughty if I call it a soapbox than if I call it a high horse, right?) to defend Gwen Stefani, who doesn't need my help and probably couldn't care less about AI, despite her proclamations of excitement about most of the contestants. And who wore a sweater that had a picture of belt-suspenders on it.

Moving on. Ok, Gwen says it's not about the voice for her, it's about the contestants' personalities and styles. Kind of like with her. "Don't Speak" is really the only song of hers I've ever thought was one I'd like to sing at karaoke.

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Rating: 1.8/5 (11 votes cast)

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American Idol tonight
Posted by sarahk at 12:42 AM

Ok, we're just watching straight through, I'll have to blog it in the morning, because I dragged my husband out shopping for three hours tonight, so I'm being a good girl and doing a quick watch-through... blah blah blah...

All I have to say right now, though...

Wow, THE GLOCK. She was outstanding, I was so proud of her (ok, honestly I hated the dress, the boots were a'ight, but I LOVED the performance).

Idols 03. Vote it!

Oh my. As I was typing this, Sanjaya walked out with his faux-hawk, as Paula just called it. I hate to say this: it was his best performance even though he forgot the words and had that hair thing going on.

Wow, Haley isn't wearing sleeveless and didn't show her armpits. I almost am tempted to vote for her. Would never do, no, but I'm so thankful about the armpits.

Ok, I'm signing off unless someone else knocks me off my feet.

Vote for THE GLOCK!

UPDATE: Idols 10... Chris Richardson was totally knocking my socks off until he forgot a couple of words near the end. Mouth agape and everything, chest clutcher until then. Chris, please remember, though: the microphone stays at your mouth. If your body bobs up and down, the arm with the mic moves in motion with your head. If you're using a mic stand, you must bob only the body, keep the mouth stationary, or no bobbing. You have quite enough vibrato without leaving out entire notes due to mic loss.

Quick lineup:

03 The Glock. Mwah. I was so happy when I heard your song choice. Perfect song for you, very well sung, heartfelt and emotional. You win tonight. But no more painted on bronze dresses, please. I heart you, but I could have plucked you off the stage and used you to decorate one of my plant ledges with the metallics you were painted into tonight. I hate to even go negative at all on you because I loved your performance so much, and it was your best so far, but I can't not talk about that dress. Say, next week how about "Hello" or "My Immortal" by Evanescence? But I'm not sure you can hit those high notes, so either stay away from those songs, or lower them a couple of clicks.

10 Chris Richardson. See above.

07 Melinda. Don't listen to Simon. The outfit was fine. I love that you dress modestly and don't feel the need to let it all hang out, unlike Baby-Feeder LaKisha.

01 Lakisha. Enough with the baby feeders. We get it. They're gigantic. Do you want us to give them their own zip code or something? Rah rah, you have big boobies. Yay for you. I do applaud that most of the rest of you was covered, and other than that, I liked the outfit. And this was your best performance in weeks. I'm starting to like you again. If you would just do something about your boobs.

WH Phil. Thanks for pinning your ears down. Made you more watchable. Oh, come on, I'm not the only one thinking it, just the only one saying it. Y'all would be thanking me for wearing support hose and girdles if I were up there. Except for a few screechy notes, you were quite good until the end, and then you got all freaky weird when you did your own thang, dawg. That's when it became a gigantic mess, and my face scrunched up in horror. Until then, I had you above LaKisha. I was going to give your number out and everything.

02 Chris Sligh. Sleeping pill. Please throw in at least one vocal backflip in the next performance. I'm giving up on you. I'm glad you got your humor back in the pre-talk, thank you, but what's with the boring vocals? You can't phone it in every week, or you won't last much longer.

09 Jordin - Nice picnic basket you were wearing, Raggedy Ann. Also vocally the worst performance out of her in weeks. If Disney's what you do best, just do Disney. How about "Part of Your World"? You haven't done that one yet. I'm kidding, don't do it. People will laugh at you, and that's one of my all-time favorite Disney songs. You can never live up to the original, or to my singing-in-the-car version. I rock at that song, baby.

04 Sanjaya. Whatever. Stick around. You're growing on us, and you know we're making fun of you. Now you're just there for the laughs, and you know it, and you know we know it, and you know we know you know it. And even Seacrest and the judges are openly joking about it on-air, so as long as no one is pretending that you're there because you're the next Aretha or Whitney or Celine, whatever. I don't care anymore.

08 Blake - What were the judges on about with that boring performance? Even Sanjaya was more enjoyable. Could y'all hear me yawning on the left coast?

05 Haley. I have nothing to say.

Gwen Stefani. Wow, she's beautiful. And very nice. She came across as a class act.

Rating: 3.7/5 (9 votes cast)

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March 21, 2007
American Idol Six - Top Eleven elimination night
Posted by sarahk at 10:04 PM

He is Ryan Seacrest. Did we listen to the judges? I hope not, because they loved Haley in hopes that we would not see her alligator tears. Instead we saw the plant Ashley's alligator tears. Now there's a recap.

Peter Noone is singing "There's a Kind of Hush". Now why don't they have cutesy songs like this anymore? Today it's all about "I wanna give you the good sex baby, uh huh."

The bad Ford commercial is "Another Saturday Night", and the kids are doing their laundry. They're using Surf with the label removed! I know, because I use Surf.

Hey look, Brad Garrett is sitting with the kids between The Glock and Chris Richardson.

Phil, Melinda, and Blake all stand up. None are in the bottom three.
Chris Sligh, LaKisha, Jordin stand up. They are not in the bottom three.
Sanjaya, Haley, and the Glock stand together, and that is crazy scary. The Glock with those two? Seacrest says they are not the bottom three.
Well, one of the above is in the bottom three, because I count nine, and there are only eleven. That's some fuzzy math, Seacrest.
Chris Richardson and Stephanie Edwards stand up and are the bottom two! I was so bad and didn't vote for anyone last night, so if Chris goes home, I feel sad and mad at me. Stephanie is not a big surprise.

American Idol for the Challenged: Which of Fantasia, Paris, and Vonzell has been recently cast in The Color Purple?

Now Ryan is giving a message to corporate America about the big charity event on April 24. Coca-Cola, the evil AT&T, and Ford are the big sponsors. Two out of three not bad.

Lulu is singing "To Sir with Love". I tell you, I thought she was awesome this week working with the chicas. She looks great tonight too. She's fantastic, I love her.

So... Stephanie and Chris. And Stephanie is going home. To the place where she belongs. Where love has always been enough for her. Ok, so I learned one more line of the song.

Obviously, she left too early. What can you do? America has lost their minds, and Sanjaya runs the mental institution.

Rating: 2.1/5 (11 votes cast)

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March 20, 2007
American Idol Six - Top Eleven
Posted by sarahk at 09:54 PM

Hey, America! You're in control. This is American Idol.

Yes, you're so in control that Sanjaya will sing your favoritest songs tonight. Sing you a little lullaby.

Paula is giggly on her intro. That should be good for seal claps and Paula super crazy factor. Right off the bat, she tells the contestants to picture Simon nude. She admits to Simon that she does so.

Oh bother. It's the '60s night. British invasion work-in, but I'm sure they can sing whatever they want. Peter Noone and Lulu are here. Ok, so let's review. '60s night. Sunday night it took me over an hour to get to sleep. Tonight, I think I'll take an American Idol-brand sedative.

01 Haley Scarnato is singing "Tell Him" in hoo-hah shorts and an armpit blouse. With high-heels. I don't understand the shorts and high-heels thing. And there's a big armpitty high-five. Her entire back is bare. It was so boring and lackluster for me. I can't even snark much, because there was just nothing there. America will forget her by the end of the night. Bottom three without a doubt this week. Standing ovation? Do the people in the audience have buzzers on their seats that require that they shoot up at the end of the song? RANDY: Yo yo, Haley's back, best ever from you (??), definite YO factor, baby! Have my puppies! Haley's back in the competition! PAULA: You had a girlish quality, you flirted, you were adorable, good for you! SIMON: I used the "minx" word on Kellie Pickler last year, so I have to go with you naughty little thing. Young, fun, a little shrieky in the middle, but everyone will talk about a lot more than your singing tonight. SARAHK: You mean the armpits and jiggly bits? And the giant saucers that are hanging from her ears? For me, it went on forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and... you get the point. My eyes are already heavy.

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Rating: 3.2/5 (19 votes cast)

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March 19, 2007
24 Day 6 -- 7 p.m. to 8 p.m. (an actual DVR-delayed liveblog - finally!)
Posted by sarahk at 10:47 PM

Previously on 24, Martha Logan stabbed Charles Logan for his past crimes, and when they cuffed her, she said, "What's that for? They should give me a medal." Amen, sista. Also, she and Aaron are together, which is awesome, but he's been relegated to being kind of her errand boy, which makes me like him less, and even though Martha is not with Charles anymore and is with a much better dude, and Charles is the one who made her crazy, she's in a mental institution. Which kinda makes me crinkle my forehead in annoyance. Welcome to Day 6.

That's pretty much all the good stuff that happened last week. Or this season after Jack shot Curtis in the neck.

I guess I'll snark tonight, but not in detail. Are y'all excited? Me almost too.

I don't know who I have to tell that the V-Cast commercials are disgusting and unclean, but again! Nobody is putting his earbuds in my ears. It's my policy.

Ooooh! Jack's gonna find out something about Audrey tonight! I hope it's that she's a terrorist. Or dead. Or underwent electroshock therapy to become not whiny. How 'bout it, science?

More last week on 24: Vice President Noah Daniels has a square face and is a bit power hungry. OH! And last week, when I was snarking this and never finished it, because the show is so boring now, I wrote the following. It's too good not to share with you:

The guy at the Russian embassy who was helping Jack and wearing a red shirt gets killed by the guy who always played an extra named Vasiliy on ALIAS.

I AM SO AWESOME! I JUST HAD A LAUGHING FIT THAT MADE MY MIGRAINE TEN TIMES WORSE! JUST AS I WAS TYPING THAT BIT ABOUT THE GUY WHO ALWAYS PLAYED AN EXTRA NAMED VASILIY ON ALIAS, JACK SHOOTS THAT GUY, AND THE RUSSIAN CONSUL, WATCHING ON SURVEILLANCE, SAYS, "THE AMERICAN HAS JUST KILLED VASILIY. He's in the basement." HAHAHAHAHAHA!

LOL, last week, I named the Vice President "Vice President OTT", and I have no idea what OTT stands for. Anyone know? I apparently did not tell my husband. I was too busy with my laughing fit about Vasiliy to go back and fill in the acronym even once. Anyway, I'm going to call him VPOTT, and maybe one of you will come up with what OTT (yeah, you know me) stands for.

Finally Jack has told Buchanan that Gredenko and bin Diesel are in the Shadow Valley. Doyle lets Jack know quickly that he, not Jack, is in charge. Well, that's good, because when Jack is in charge, Jack shoots Curtis in the neck, and SarahK holds grudges FOREVER and stops snarkage. Jack has internal bleeding. Buchanan tells VPOTT that Gredenko has the drones with the nukes in the SV, yo, and OTT smirks and chuckles, because that (the smirking) solves national security problems.

In the SV, yo, Gredenko is all talking like Jack with the d word and tells bin Diesel that the Americans know where they are. Bin Diesel says hey, now it's Markov's fault that the Americans found us out, and blah blah blah, we're tired of you making us feel like we have little penises. Tonight you Russians are the ones with the tiny wee-wees! Ha ha! It's your faults! Not ours for once! We get to have bigger wangs for once. Gredenko says they need to get out of the SV, yo, now and launch one of the drones right now. His small-peep'd underling says the Americans will shoot it down before it reaches its target -- well, thanks for ruining the ending of the episode for us! -- but launches the drone anyway. They start to move out as the drone launches. Yawn.

Nadia (Yassir) is visibly upset and has caught the 24 whisper disease. Milo asks if she's ok. No, not really. Chloe comes over. She finally had a good line last episode ("I'm feeling ambivalent"), so I have hope for her. She tells Milo and Nadia (Yassir) that she noticed Nadia (Yassir) is doing work under Milo's account. See, I'm feeling ambivalent, too, because I like Chloe because she shot up terrorists in season 4. Yet I like Milo because he blew stuff up in season 6. I have no feelings on Nadia (Yassir), because she has proven herself neither to be a mole nor a mole outer, and all she is is a boring subplot thus far. So it's a conflict between two characters, one of whom I have liked for two seasons longer, but who honestly has started to annoy me this season because she won't just let her ex-husband alone, and because coital bliss is making her a boring character. Anyway, Chloe says she's not doing anything about the noticing, she just wants them to know, because if she noticed, someone else will notice. Chloe's way too nice since Deadger died.

Morris has found the drone, so we have found the plot for this episode. All we have to find out now is whether this nuke is headed for L.A. or... L.A... HAHAHAHA. This show is too predictable. One day the terrorists will learn that Chloe O'Brien lives in L.A. and will decide that maybe she doesn't want to die today. She's like Superman without the Kryptonite weakness. Perhaps they should try Chicago. San Francisco? Uh, I don't know... Miami. Though I'd equally miss any American city, blah blah, disclaimer, not advocating, usual stuff.

Anyway, a shocker occurs! Morris has lost the drone off his little drone map. So we have our problem for the hour. The General on the path to intercept will stay in a holding pattern.

Meanwhile, Gredenko's little-peep'd guy tells G that he has disabled CTU's ability to track the drone. Wily bees! Get it? Drone? Bees? Yeah, me either.

In Washington, where it is after Bisquick's bedtime, Bisquick is in the Bunker telling VPOTT (what does that MEAN?) that CTU lost the drone. VPOTT gets all yelly and interrupts Bisquick to assemble the Joint Chiefs. He tells the peeps assembled in the bunker that he will ask the Joint Chiefs to draw up targets in some unnamed Middle Eastern country (that country Assad was from -- you know, Assad is the dead terrorist that Jack murdered Curtis to save -- in vain, mind you) for his own nuclear strike. I'll bet President Waynewreck would be NOT on board with this. Especially since he's a giant wuss who would have to see his entire country destroyed before he'd even think about retaliation.

I'm torn over this. Not over 24. I'm quite sure it's boring this season. I'm torn over whether I like this whole retaliation thing. On one hand, I'm the viewer, so I know everything going on... plus, I know China's got to have some part in this, the stinkin' Commies... not to mention that VPOTT is so smarmy that I feel like I should go wipe the TV screen at every commercial break to clean the slime off the screen. Icky.

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Rating: 2.1/5 (9 votes cast)

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March 14, 2007
American Idol Six - Top Twelve elimination night
Posted by sarahk at 09:49 PM

Hi. Welcome. Ryan is so proud of the "come out of the closet" script with Simon last night that he wants you to see it again. Also a replay of The Children™. Tonight they are doing a dreaded Diana Ross medley that starts with a crazy-eyed Phil staring at Brandon or someone equally forgettable. Please make it stop. My head is KILLING me.

Here is the first awful Ford commercial. The kids are so pleased with themselves. Was that Bo Bice or Chris Richardson at the beginning? The song is "Float On". Float away.

LaKisha is safe.
Gina is safe. Yay!
Brandon is in the bottom three.
Jordin is safe. She is very smiley.
Chris Richardson has many fans in the audience. He is safe.
Melinda, also many many fans. She is safe.
Phil Stacey is IN THE BOTTOM THREE! Wow, I kinda didn't see that one coming.
Chris Sligh is safe. Yay!
Stephanie is safe.
Blake has many fans. He is back next week, safe.
We'll find out if it's Haley or Sanjaya in the bottom three after the break. I'm telling you, it's Sanjaya.

American Idol for the Challenged question: Which Idol did Simon predict would sell more albums than any other? Kelly Clarkson, Carrie Underwood, or Taylor Hicks. Y'all, I'm sure it was Taylor. Simon thought Taylor was the bestest Idol ever.

Diana Ross is out to perform. She is in a long ruby dress with this giant feather shawl that she carries behind her to look like a butterfly until she starts to sing, then she holds it to one side, then she gets tired of it and throws it on the floor. She's classy and flashy and insists that the crowd sing along to "I Love You More Today Than Yesterday", a song which she does not pronunciate. Ryan asks Diana three times who is going home tonight, and after she talks about inspiration, he asks, "Who's going home?" and she says, "You know what? Me." She's adorable with all that wild hair.

After the break, SANJAYA!! joins Phil and Brandon in the bottom three. Haley can't believe her schmucky tears got her to the safety couch. So there is justice, somewhat, and the bottom three is an all-male stinker.

Right away, Ryan sends Phil and his hinky bald head back to safety. His wife is so happy. Phil just looks ticked off that he was even in the bottom three to begin with. Like it's a chore for him to walk back to safety. I'm sure Brandon would love to take your spot on the couch. How about a smile and a thank you, Smarmyface? Now I like him even less. That's like negative like.

So it's Sanjaya and it's Brandon. I still say Brandon is going. And Brandon is out. Sing it with me. He's going home to the place where he belongs. La la la la la a la la la la la laaaaaaaaaa. I only know the first line.

Rating: 2.9/5 (14 votes cast)

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March 13, 2007
American Idol Six - Top Twelve
Posted by sarahk at 10:28 PM

Is everybody watching now?

Really? You chose tonight to start watching? Tonight? Because see, it's Diana Ross night, which means there will be a lot of bad disco and Motown song choosing, and you just might want to die by the end of the night. And not in a good way. Lock up your guns. Mine are in the safe. Ok, not really, but Frank is next to me, and I have faith in him and in my lazy butt. Really. They never pick good songs. They pick the overdone ones that I can't even bear to hear the names of anymore.

The band now has strings and winds, and there's a bigger stage, per usual top 12.

Simon is in a white t-shirt tonight instead of his normal charcoal sweater. No, Simon, those go under the clothes. The judges say their normal blah blah blah about this stage of the game.

Oh no. Diana Ross says she's not a critic. She wants to be the trusting voice and the supportive voice. I liked it when we had David Foster. Wasn't he the one? The one who came in and said that the kids would have been kicked out of his studio? I liked that one.

01 Brandon Rogers is out. He is singing "Can't Hurry Love". I kick you out for selecting the most covered song ever ever. Diana Ross told Brandon to go to his center, his hard place. Wow, his voice just cracked in major fashion. I don't think that was the Tivo. I don't think the hip swinging is going to save you. OH NO! First one out of the gate, and he forgot the words. No no no. Forgot the words to the most overdone song ever. RANDY: Boring, reverted back to a background singer, but your last two notes were like a front singer. PAULA: It's not easy. I know it's nerves. We don't need to tell you what you did wrong. SARAHK: You're the judges. You're waiting for me to tell him? You're waiting for him to look up IMAO when he wakes up in the morning? PAULA: There's a lot you do right. SIMON: Complete letdown, predictable, terrible dancing, forgot the words, no originality, no star quality, came across as a background singer for a background singer. Not good enough, sorry. SARAHK: Yes. That. And I kick you out for song choice alone. Bad Brandon. Bad. Your only hope is if Sanjaya's inexplicable fanbase has been eaten by the boogie monsters under their beds in the past week. And there's always the Queen of the Armpits. You were all bad tonight.

02 Melinda Doolittle. Oh, we're to answering inane viewer email, are we? Cute, maybe I'll send one. What's your favorite color, Ryan? Pink? I knew it! Melinda says the high heels and dresses are the hardest part of the show, and that's something we've heard before from a prior contestant, because it sounds familiar. Anyway, Melinda loves sweats and tennies. Me too. RYAN: Simon, what can you tell her about the high heels? SIMON: You should know, Ryan. RYAN: Stay out of my closet. SARAHK: Thou sayest. SIMON: Come out! SARAHK: Boo-yah. FRANK J.: That was too easy. RYAN: This is about the competition, not your wishes, Simon.

Melinda is all very face-covered-uncomfy during the exchange, but it's a cute back-and-forth, and I especially love how Simon says what I think sometimes. It's fun, our scripted ESP.

Anyway, Melinda is singing "Home" from The Wiz. Proudly, I can say I've never seen that movie all the way through, and I've never heard the song, at least not to my recollection. This is to the advantage of any contestant. If you're saddled with Stevie Wonder night or Motown night or whatever awful theme night they plague my ears with, the least you can do to give yourself a chance is pick an obscure or vague song and sing it well. Trick it up, but don't go crazy. Change a few bars or something. Don't do what Blake did later in the show tonight. That was a mess (sneak preview!).

Anyway, she is modestly dressed, I like that. She does always kind of come across in her dress as a cross between a 1950s housewife and a businesswoman. Does that make sense? It's way better for me than most of the rest of the attire going on here, mind you, because it's modest. Don't get me started, I can go on for hours. Maybe it's the color she is wearing tonight, the very bland black/white/greyish denim thing. But she always looks nice, attractive, and like she respects herself, and I appreciate that and thank her for that.

Oh yes! The singing. Fantastic. I voted for her like ten times. And look, she is crying when she gets the big standing ovation from the crowd. But barely. Just tearing up a little. RANDY: Hot hot hot! Girls 1 Boys 0! SARAHK: Oh YES! PAULA IS OFF HER NUT TONIGHT! SHE'S BAWLING ALREADY, AND IT'S ONLY THE TOP TWELVE! Paula is all-out crying, I am rejoicing. PAULA: Margle wurvy woozy head. Wuv you goo goo! (Simon is laughing.) SIMON: Melinda, why are you crying? (This is in a patronizing tone. I loooove it.) MELINDA: Something incoherent because remember she can't speak directly after singing so powerfully. She's incapable. Especially of saying "thank you". SIMON: You made a very boring song fantastic. You remind me of a young Gladys Knight. FRANK J.: Who? SARAHK: Tell me you're joking. FRANK J.: Gladys who? SARAHK: I'm going to hurt you if you don't tell me you're joking. FRANK J.: Yes, I'm joking. SARAHK: Melinda, it was fantastic. When are you going to thank the judges for the praise? Please? Just for me?

03 Chris Sligh. Haha, he says to Diana Ross that they have the same hair. What? "Endless Love"? Yes, well, I guess there weren't four decades of music for you to pick from, then, were there? But it is Diana Ross night, so what are you to do? I don't like him without the glasses as well, because it seems like he's trying to lose his look a little? The hair went shorter last week, the glasses are off this week. What next week, he starts dressing like Seacrest? Chris, you are who you are, and we like you. BTW, we'd like the humor back. There was a hint with the hair joke with Diana (listen to me call her Diana, we're old friends), keep it coming. "Endless Love", I'm so worried about it, though. Shouldn't I be? I guess we'll see.

This is... interesting. I'm not saying that in a bad way. I had my face all crinkled the whole song, but just because I was trying to make up my mind. He's got a piano rhythm playing in the background that's very familiar, like a Coldplay song. "Yellow", maybe? I don't know which. Anyway, but he's doing the song in that beat, with drums, and I am not once thinking of Lionel Ritchie during this, which is a wondrous thing on any American Idol night. Say it with me, class: "We should never invoke Stevie Wonder, Lionel Ritchie..." I could go on. The vocals are fine, nothing spectacular, but good. I like him and want him to stick around, so I voted for him ten or so times, even though it probably only deserved one vote if that. It was weird, but much better than at least four others tonight, so I have no shame in voting for him so he can stick around. RANDY: You had that Coldplay "Speed of Sound" vibe going, and you don't have to trick stuff up. Sometimes just sing because you have a good voice. Don't worry so much about style and sing your heart out. That was a mess for me, dawg. PAULA: Sometimes I worry that you're trying to be ultra-hip and ultra-cool. Worry less about trying to be contemporary. SARAHK: Paula, sometimes I worry that you try to be ultra-hip and ultra-cool, like when you try to use the words that the kids use. 'Cept they'd probably say Chris is ultra-rad and gnarly, dude. SIMON: You murdered the arrangement. You took a beautiful song and did very bad things to it. SARAHK: You made Chris Sligh sing a Diana Ross song. And one week, you're making him sing J-Lo. Step back, or I'll cut you. SIMON: It was unemotional, uninspiring, and I would keep your glasses on. RYAN: Did you think you would ever be on a stage singing Diana Ross? CHRIS: Yes, Ryan, because the American Idol producers have proven year after year that they despise SarahK and want to make her life miserable. I think the judges didn't like my arrangement more than they didn't like my vocals, so hopefully next week I don't screw up the arrangement in their eyes so badly. SARAHK: Yeah, that's probably a good assessment. FRANK J.: They tell them to take risks, and then they tell them it's not ok to do anything to the songs. SARAHK: And they have Diana Ross night on American Idol.

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Rating: 3.1/5 (20 votes cast)

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March 08, 2007
American Idol Six - Elimination to the top 12
Posted by sarahk at 08:48 PM

The elimination show starts with the dreaded group sing. "Stuck in the Middle with You". The lyrics of this song are so perfect for elimination night. Go google. Sundance. Please please. Please stop with trying to pull off the Mohawky hairstyle. And quit wearing so much makeup.

They lumped Sabrina's performance in the "contemporary R&B" category. En Vogue from 1996, y'all. If I roll my eyes any harder, they're gonna pop right out of my skull. And I just woke up, so they're bleary. Don't make me roll them when they're bleary!

Keppra, wow, that makes me sleepy.

LaKisha and Blake are the first two to go onto the urinal seats into the top 12. And we find out that next week will be great for snark, bad for sing. It's Diana Ross week.

Chris Sligh doesn't want to look stupid, so he says he hopes he's in the top 12. He is staying.

Jordin Sparks sticks around. Eh.

Phil Stacey is in the top 12. Blast it.

And Jared is the first casualty of the night. The judges applaud Jared. I applaud America for not keeping his giant shoes around. Simon tells him that he's good-looking, but he needs to work on his vocals, because that's why he's not in the top 12. Ryan asks if he's surprised, and he says very. Really? You sang Stevie. On cut to top 12 night. Silly boy. Listen to SarahK. Oh look who's losing it. Antonella is going to have a breakdown over his departure. Look, she spied a camera.

BRB, kids. Have to go add some stuff to the chicken and put the macaroni on to boil so I can poison my body later.

Now it's time for American Idol for the Challenged. I mean the American Idol Challenge. Hmm. Of Ace Young, Kevin Covais, and Chris Daughtry, which of those currently has a #1 album? I think it's Kevin Covais.

Melinda and Brandon, the backup singers, are both in the top 12.

Chris Richardson and Gina Glocksen are in the top 12! Basically that's everyone I care about. Melinda, Gina, the two Chrises, Blake. I'm good.

Now Carrie Underwood is out to sing "Wasted", track #1 on her album. I heart her. She so deserved to win the big prize that year. I'm not crazy about her big balloon blouse, but she's Carrie, so I'm not going to go on about it.

So for the girls there are two spots left for Antonella, Stephanie, Haley, and Sabrina.

Antonella and Stephanie step to center stage, and this was the prediction that had me skittish. I predicted Antonella but was unsure... Finally. Antonella is gone. RYAN: What memories will you take away from American Idol? ANTONELLA: So many. Too many. Too much to think about right now. SARAHK: Please write a 100 word essay on the merits of not being photographed almost naked. Ryan, come on.

I'm two for two tonight. Which makes me... 4 + 2 + 2 ... carry the one... eight out of ten on the season. Let's see if we can go ten for twelve. If there's justice, Sabrina will get the nod over the empty Armpit Haley.

Man, if I have to pick my poison, we are going to be living off thirty-three cent Walmart brand mac-n-cheese in a box for the next three months. Gluten is yummy and poison to my body. And I'm under doctor's orders to eat it for three whole months. Glory.

I can't tell if Sabrina's gonna barf or cry. You are freaking kidding me. Even Paula is not hiding her shock that Queen of the Armpits made it into the top 12 over Sabrina. That was 100% awful song choice, kids. Let that be a lesson to you. Randy says that Sabrina should be in the top 12, and America got that wrong. Haley is thanking all of her angels right now. If I didn't like all my stuff and my animals, I would throw something.

AWESOME! Rachel just called to tell me there's a rocket launch scheduled for 10:10! We have to hurry up and finish so we can go out on the golf course and watch.

Tonight is the 200th episode of Idol. Cool. This is the big reveal. Big charity project. Raising lots of money for poor children in America and Africa. Borat will be here. Quincy Jones. Randy to wrestle Borat nude. Bono. Gwen Stefani. Etc. Huge charity event. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it, Rosie.

Ok, back from the rocket launch.

Sundance v. Sanjaya for the last spot. I told Frank: I bet it's Sanjaya. Sure enough. Simon looks astounded. Even Paula. RYAN: Simon, what happened? SIMON: The volume was turned down?

That is so RUDE!

Ugh. Well. What did I predict? I said Sanjaya would stay. I said Phil and Jared would go. 1 for 2 there. I said Haley and Antonella would go. Sabrina went, and Haley inexplicably got a seat on a urinal. Whatever. So I'm 4 + 2 + 2 ... carry the one ... 8 for 12. 66.67% going into the top 12.

Anyone know anyone who's voting for Sanjaya and Haley? Punch those peeps for me, would ya? Thanks. Love ya.

Rating: 2.9/5 (8 votes cast)

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March 07, 2007
American Idol Six - Top 8 girls
Posted by sarahk at 11:37 PM

It's girl night, so there's hope on the viewing couch. Right off the bat, they can't find Paula. Have you checked the vodka sellers, Ryan? I hear she visits them from time to time. I see that Gina is dressed all edgy; I figured she would be, because she listens to Simon. Ryan says tomorrow night they announce details of the biggest AI project to date. If it's that AI camp, I'm not interested.

By the time the cameras pan to the judges, Paula has been located. Simon says she was under the judges' desk. Randy says retrieving something for him, and immediately Ryan thinks dirty. Everyone spouts the standard line about it being a family show. That's the new line for the last two or three years. The standard. "This is a family show." "A family blog." "A family restaurant." "You can't say that here, this is a family." People are always blaming the family, the children. Poor kids. I think I'm going to start a new one, take a little responsibility. "You can't say that here, I have morals."

I have to warn you. I'm cranky.

01... Jordin Sparks. Yeah, I've decided for some reason that I don't care for her as a performer. I think it's because she's giddy non-stop. Happy, sad, she's smiling all the time. Her big reveal is that she loves football so much and used to want to play football but gave it up a long time ago for singing. And she's going to sing Pat Benatar? Huh. "Heartbreaker". I hate to say it, because she's a much much much better singer than Haley Scarnato, but this reminds me so much of the Queen of the Armpits performance from last week. She's got so much better pipes than this song shows off, and she went boring, fast, safe. What's up with that song choice? RANDY: Hot! Different show! Pitchy but so much better than the boys! PAULA: Energy! You only get better! SIMON: I'm not as enthusiastic as the dumb judges. A bit manic, a little shrieky. You've done well, you'll be back next week, but it's not your strongest performance. SARAHK: And manic Jordin can hardly contain herself with all her giddiness. Paula, can Jordin have one of your Valiums? Do it for me, sugar? The fizzy pep ball is overdoing herself. Oh, to the singing. Honestly, it was karaoke, nothing better. I'm disappointed.

02... Sabrina Sloan used to want to be Katie Couric. Blarf. She used to host the school talent program or something. Anyway, moving on. What is with her song choice? Are you kidding me with this En Vogue song from what? The '80s? I have to look it up. "Don't Let Go". Ok, 1996. Eleven years. You either need to go way back or get current. Don't go to the mid-'90s for your mediocre song choice! Is Antonella picking your songs? The dress is a pretty color (I do love brown), and she looks mostly pretty, but it looks like it's made of squishy foam material, and I can't get past that. I also get hung up on the way she squat-walks around stage. Ok, apparently I hated this performance. The singing was mediocre and nasal, too. Not impressed tonight.That song choice was awful! RANDY: Not my favorite song choice, you did your thing, you were pitchy, good and solid. PAULA: You can sing sing sing. You look beautiful. Energy is fantastic! SIMON: You're a great singer, but you lack emotion. Robotic. Bad song choice. Hotel resort performance. You're a great singer, but you need personality. You're too mechanical. SARAHK: Who the heck picks your songs? I'm mad at you tonight. Ugh. Not a happy me. RYAN: Deserve to be in the top 12? ALL JUDGES: Yes.

03... Antonella Barba plays the violin and still teaches lessons when she goes home for the summer. Is anyone else nostalgic for Baylie Brown right now? 'Member her and that nice husky voice? Yeah, me too. Anyway, Antonella is up and singing a song with all kinds of tuning issues. She's singing "Put Your Records On" by Corinne Bailey Rae. This is actually a good song choice for her, but it's a gigantic mess. It's horrific. She's hitting bad notes in every bar and grabbing her stomach to steady herself. She looks pretty. Even I'm throwing in the sympathy "she looks pretty". But it's not good. RANDY: Good song choice, but it was just ok. I think you're better than you've shown in the last couple of weeks. PAULA: Your high range is good, low range is bad, good song choice. SIMON: You've gone as far as you can go. I don't know how much more you can do. I feel for you, because you've taken a lot of stick in the media, and you've handled yourself well throughout, and no one should have to go through that. [Applause and Antonella actually thanks Simon for saying so. The first sign of respect she's ever shown him.] But I'm not going to patronize you. It wasn't your worst performance, we've heard you sound worse, I just don't think you can go any further. SARAHK: It's true. That Armageddon song was way worse. But this was not good. I think the Bad Girls 15 Seconds Train is leaving this week, and she should pack her bags.

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Rating: 2.1/5 (18 votes cast)

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LOST
Posted by sarahk at 10:48 PM

LOST is so snarkworthy. I'm not going to detail-snark it or anything. Just have a little fun while we watch. Feel free to join in. My American Idol review will be up late tonight. If you're sitting on the edge of your seats wondering, I voted at least 10 times for Gina Glocksen and twice for Melinda. I was a little unnerved, because I never got a busy signal on any of them. And they were the only two worth voting for.

Anyway, on with LOST.

I agree with Sawyer. Those unknown characters don't get an opinion. And they should be wearing red shirts. I'm a little worried about Hurley, since he is wearing a red shirt.

Wow. The last living member of the Dharma Initiative! And Frank has to go pee. He always does that.

The Others were there for a lot longer than the Dharma Initiative. Eyepatchy calls The Others "The Hostiles". But if The Others were there first, maybe that makes DI the hostiles.

Eyepatchy's cat has the same name as Sayid's old girlfriend. That's interesting. The Others always seem to know stuff about the Non-Others' pasts, so Eyepatchy sounds Othery.

Sayid agrees. And thinks Eyepatchy and his furry friend are not alone.

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Rating: 2.4/5 (13 votes cast)

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March 06, 2007
American Idol Six - Top 8 guys
Posted by sarahk at 11:21 PM

Ok, sorry to not do last week's results show, busy being a housewife and actually keeping things clean around here, blah blah blah... I promise the wait will be almost worth it, because I'm going to hit some highlights right here.

So. much. to snark in that elimination episode. It's like the entertainment gods looked at me and said, "SarahK, you had a rough week. This one is for you." I did. It was rough, and I kinda took some time off from blogging and did the bare minimum and relaxed my head.

Nearly died, reevaluated things a little... Plus I got a new anticonvulsant. I didn't like how dumb the Topamax made me, plus the constant nosebleeds and complete numbness of hands when it gets cold were inconvenient. The new drug makes me go to sleep, and since last Thursday I've been napping nonstop. I need a good simile there but can't find one. I must be slipping. Anyway.

Ok, so Kellie Pickler. Wow.

KP: Yeah, Ryan, I've bought stuff with my new American Idol money. Shoes. Just shoes and sushi.
RYAN [staring right at Kellie's giant Dollys]: Just shoes? Nothing else?
SARAHK: And a big giant rack to store those shoes on.

And the hair and eye makeup. Next she was going to audition for understudy in the Best Little Whorehouse in North Carolina. Or greeter at Dollywood.

And yeah, they put real live wolf spiders in that sushi. Eat up. Fu-haaaaaaaake.

She was classic fake Kellie. Except not as tone-deaf as usual, which was a little disappointing. And I didn't like that she sang the song that she co-wrote for her runaway mom, because even I have a heart about that and can't make fun. Plus, the song has about three notes, which is even hard for that virtuoso to screw up. Especially when she was singing it at the volume of a spider's whisper.

Then there were the eliminations and the boo-hooers. Are you kidding me? Every time the camera flashed away from Sundance, he pulled the glycerin drops out of his pocket and applied the drops. It was so funny to watch him and that awful spanish moss that hangs from his chin (dude, it's called pesticide, look into it), because when the camera panned to him, he blinked really hard to make sure every drop of real live salty tears squeezed out of his eyes.

Then Gina Glocksen. When Leslie Hunt got eliminated, you could hear Gina wailing from the bench. And I know why, and I don't blame her. I know everyone keeps calling Leslie the psycho girlfriend or something because of that wide-eyed stare, but Leslie is probably the closest to normal girl there was in the competition. And when Leslie got kicked off, Gina was thinking that now she's stuck with that Armpits and Hi-Fives Haley Scarnato and Antonella who thinks she's Jennifer Hudson with a Paris Hilton twist. I might have wailed, too, knowing who's left. Leslie seemed relatively normal. Especially when she sang her last song and ended it with, "Why did I scat? America don't like jazz!" That was fantastic, and I wanted her back. I want her for my next door neighbor, actually. She's way too young to live in our neighborhood, though. But dear Gina. Get ahold of yourself. If you love her that much, exchange digits. Keep in touch. K-I-T.

Nick Pedro. No surprise there, he was so boring last week. But AJ Tabaldo? Even I was on board with his performance and took back all the fun-making from the previous week, and when he went home, and Brandon and that awful giant white tennisshoes wearing Carlton Jared with the argyle sweaters and the "Let's Get it On" to his Grandma dedication got to stay, I was so disappointed.

The girls. Leslie, not really a surprise. Not a good song choice, and she didn't have one of the stronger voices. Should have been Queen of the Armpits. Also Alaina went home. Ticktock, no shock. Oh, but she could not get through her song, because she is just going to miss her new bffs sooo much. So she gave it up. Sang about three seconds of the song and then practically threw down the microphone so she could hug everyone. Say, sweetie, you know you'll get to see them after the show, right? I mean, for about five minutes until you have to clear out your hotel room and they have to pick out their songs for next week. But show some decorum.

I think that covers it. Now onto tonight.

UPDATE: I'm watching it again. It was that good. This is the 3rd or 4th watch for me. I'd forgotten that on "Joy to the World", the group song, they had AJ sing the line, "You know I love the ladies..." I cracked up. I will not elaborate on why, because I'm really sad he left the show, I think he would have worked for it, and he left earlier than he should have. Oh, he was classy when Ryan told him he was leaving, too. AJ asked if he was shocked that he was leaving and not Sanjaya. AJ said something like, "No, I think he's great." That was cute at the end of his song when he said, "Call me." Yes, Broadway. Call him, he'll be great there. I'm not kidding. He's perfect for Broadway. And Chris Richardson still forgot to use the microphone during the group sing. He did better tonight in the top 8, though. I've decided I don't like Jordin Sparks. She's always grinning like someone just gave her a brand-new puppy, no matter what. Oh yes. Alaina, when she got the ax. When Ryan read back Simon's comment that she "ran out of steam", Alaina leveled her eyes on Simon and said, "Clever." Like he had tried to come up with the most witty quip and failed. No, sweetie, he just said what you did, and no need to be clever. I loved when she accidentally cut the mic cord, and all the sound went out. You couldn't hear a word of Paula's Wisdom for Life. I guess we'll never know. *sniff*

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Rating: 2.8/5 (19 votes cast)

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March 05, 2007
HEROES SPOILER ALERT!
Posted by sarahk at 09:18 PM

Only read the extended entry if you want to know who Linderman is...

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Rating: 3.4/5 (9 votes cast)

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February 28, 2007
American Idol Six - top 10 girls
Posted by sarahk at 10:16 PM

Paula says that since the girls look gorgeous, they’re ready to sing tonight. Yes, because a pretty face and pretty clothes equal a great voice, as we saw with Kellie Pickler. *cough cough*

01… Gina Glocksen is dedicating to her boyfriend, and her dedication is sweet and all. She’s singing “Alone” by Heart, and this is going to have to be really good, because Carrie did this two years ago and brought down the house, even got Simon to give it up for her. Except Carrie had really bad hair when she did it. Oh, plus when I do this one at karaoke, I’m pretty good. Just sayin’. That reminds me of a story. At Rachel’s Halloween party this year, there were these people there that we had never met, and mind you, I sing Heart all the time, Heart is perfect for my range, I generally hog all the Heart songs at karaoke (we have a machine ourselves), and I usually handle their songs with ease, except maybe a few low notes that get in my way. Anyway, this neighbor lady from down the street, when she saw what song I was singing ("Alone"), said, “Wow, you’re going to attempt Ann Wilson?” and I just held my microphone, waited for my words to come onscreen, and said kinda offhandedly, “Yeah, I’m gonna give it a shot,” and could not look at Rachel, because if I’d looked at her, we would have shared a look and I would have laughed. We can both sing, and we know it. I mean, I’m no Kelly Clarkson, but I’m easily as good as half the girls in the top 10 tonight. So the neighbor lady was a little surprised when I got to the chorus. I thought it was funny, and Rachel and I laughed about it after the neighbor went home. We didn’t want to be rude and laugh to her face.

Oh wait, this isn’t the Talk About Me Hour. Yes, back to Gina and American Idol. Gina’s hair is good. Still with the red tints in the black hair, perfect for her. I’m not sure about the way she’s dressed, because if she’s wanting to be a rocker, the red satin knee-dress is a little nice, but then again, it’s red satin, and red satin is a little sassy. The pretty jewelry, though – maybe it should have been spikes? No wait, there are spiky bracelets, so she’s covered there. It’s ok. At least she didn’t get rid of the tongue bolt. But listen to me. Last week I said that she looked as pretty as a girl with a tongue bolt could look, so shut up SarahK. Ok, to the singing. I have to relisten. Beginning is good. Chorus is good until the big “Alone”s at the end. The first time through, I thought she was pitchy there, but she wasn’t. But screechy for sure on the last couple of notes. I was going to suggest she stay with this kind of song. Heart, Evanescence, the pipey chick rocker songs with mega vocals, but she’s gonna have to work on not screeching the high notes. I thought it was good, probably a little better than last week because this is a better song choice for her, but not fantastic. And not as good as Carrie Underwood did it.

Randy says yo yo awesome dawg, pitchy at the beginning but you worked it out. He points out Charlotte, the backup singer, who was awesome during the song. I notice Charlotte is wearing a Tenacious D t-shirt – hahaha, I love it! Gina thanks Charlotte. Good girl. Paula says we were surprised when Carrie did it, but man, excellent job. Simon says good song choice, very forced vocals at the end. And Simon is confused about Gina’s image, because he thought she was edgier than this when they put her through to the top 24, and he’s talking about the way she’s dressed, and Randy says maybe she should have worn all black. No, Randy, Carrie did that. Invites more comparisons to a better vocal.

Oh yay. Alaina is going to do the Dixie Chicks. You’re the next American Idol, Alaina. No really, you are. Because I don’t still cringe every time I hear the name of that band. Really, I don’t. Every time Natalie Maines opens her mouth she says something more infuriating than the previous time, so I think that no one at all will think about that while you’re singing. They’ll just judge you on your singing. I don’t know why we need patriotism, anyway. Oops, look at me, I’m doing it already.

Who coaches these kids on their song choice?

BTW, I think global warming caused by people is a steaming pile of bull feces. Mkay? And that train commercial is stupid and horrible for a family show. It scares children, you awful people. Shame on you.

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Rating: 2.5/5 (14 votes cast)

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February 27, 2007
American Idol Six - top 10 guys
Posted by sarahk at 10:03 PM

Randy knows the guys are going to be a lot better than last week. Are you sure, Randy? Are you sure? I'm gonna hold you to that. Paula says have fun and own the song. Which means she's gonna have fun with her Loopy Juice. Simon looks into her drink glass. Ryan calls Simon his friend, and Simon has no comment.

Tonight they are supposed to dedicate their songs to someone who inspires them. I feel a good cry and a load of sarcasm welling up inside me. I hope Chris Sligh dedicates his performance to The Hoff or Simon. Maybe AJ will dedicate his song to Ryan. A snarker can dream, right?

WH... Phil Stacey is up first, and I hope he can redeem himself the teeniest bit by dedicating his performance to his wife, whom he abandoned when she was nine months pregnant so he could audition for AI -- she had to have the baby all alone. Nope. He's still a big giant pinkytoe. Looks like one too. He dedicates it to his navy command or something. He's trying to play up the military angle so we'll like him. It's not working on me. I LOVE the military, but why didn't he ever mention it before? Suddenly he wants to play it up, because he knows all the girls hate him because of the baby thing. Maybe if it had been the Marines (no offense, Harvey -- you know I heart you, but the Navy guys wear white all the time, and that does not work for me). Oh, and he's singing "Missing You" by John Waite, also done very well by Tina Turner (I love that woman). It's so stinking blah until the end, then it gets pretty good. One note is precarious, but he holds onto it and works it out, dawg. I don't think this is great because most of the song is just boring. I think it's a bad song choice. It's not exciting me until the last few bars. Randy says yippie ki-yay, you're hot and showing your power. Paula loves his tone and hears him on the radio. Paula, the radio is not on, check your vodka levels, sweetheart. Simon isn't jumping out of his chair, loved the film piece about the military (sucker), doesn't think he has originality at all, and is a very good karaoke singer right now. Ryan says but his popularity will help him, and Simon says don't worry, you'll be back next week. Good job with the reverse psychology, Simon. Wink wink. I thank you.

They've flashed to Jeff Foxworthy in the audience multiple times.

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Rating: 2.9/5 (15 votes cast)

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American Idol Six - top 24 results show
Posted by sarahk at 09:43 PM

We were at Disney World Thursday night when all my American Idol predictions came true, but I'm rewatching the results show now (we watched Friday night when we got home), and I have things to say!

So here they are.

They announced all the guest stars who will be appearing this season. Let's discuss. Or let's me talk and you listen.

Diana Ross. Oh, I can't wait for that tragedy of a disco night. I could make myself a big pot of coffee to stay awake, but excess caffeine is bad for my epilepsy. Stupid neurological diseases! No wait, why am I mad at my brain waves? Stupid bad disco nights on American Idol that make me want to fall into a deep sleep and dream about cherry blossom trees and purple unicorns! Why must they taunt me?

Jon Bon Jovi. Sweet! One of those teeny-bopping wailers (probably Jordin) will sing "Wanted Dead or Alive" in a full-length, sparkly, long red evening gown. Mark those words, y'all, I'm tellin' ya. But she'll replace "cowboy" with "cowgirl", and she'll smile ear-to-ear like "look how clever I am!" when "cowgirl" comes out of her mouth, and her adoring fans will giggle and cheer. I won't be cheering. I'll be looking for this permalink so I can remind y'all of when I said this. Chris Sligh will sing an obscure song that wouldn't make the greatest hits album, and Randy will pretend to have loved that song for years, dawg.

J-Lo. A.J. Trabaldo will try to sing "Love Don't Cost a Thing", but we will have such a hard time understanding him that we will think he's singing "my oven tone caught touching". No wait, I take it back. If he makes the top 12, there is no justice in the world. Why yes. That is the only J-Lo song I know. It would be torturous to know more.

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Rating: 2.3/5 (12 votes cast)


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February 21, 2007
American Idol Six - Top Twelve girls
Posted by sarahk at 10:16 PM

Ryan is trying to lie and say that there was a good start to the competition last night. Lie. Ur.

After the recap, Ryan starts in being a complete pinkytoe to Simon. And now starts the Seacrest Simon Smoochy Hour. Ryan is picking and picking and picking, trying to get Simon to admit that Chris Sligh got under his skin. Listen, Miss Seacrest. I'll tell you how I saw it, and I am the Lovely and Talented SarahK, so after I make my judge's ruling, you can shut your piehole and remember that you're just the host and not the talent. If you don't chill out (because really, something has got stuck in yer craw, as we say in Texas upon occasion), I'm going to accuse Joy Behar (a talentless hack) of being able to take you in a witting contest with half her comedy tied behind her back, and that idiot is a one-joke pony (Dick Cheney is evil! Halliburton did it! Duh-hur-hur!! Ba-dum-ching!). Anyway, listen up, Seacrest. You were trying to take Cowell to your girly mat because you wanted to know about random college singings, and Simon told you to put a sock in it. You kept badgering him and annoying me. Chris, the long-forgotten judgee, whose judging time you were usurping with your inanity, said, "hey guys, remember me? Il Divo and Teletubbies!" and Simon stopped arguing with you for half a second. it looked like he was ticked off at you for forgetting your place and getting him off his rhythm, because had you kept quiet during the Simon Segment, Simon would have been able to come up with something razor-sharp to counter with. Instead, he had to settle for the butter knife that made fun of Chris's weight. But hey, Chris asked for it. After that, Simon stopped talking.

Get OVER yourself, Miss Ryan. Love ya.

On to the girls.

IDOLS 01... Stephanie Edwards is first. She looks pretty in a purply blue and brown knee-length dress. Hmm, I didn't really critique the boy clothing last night, did I? Well, except Foot Fungus Freak Paul Kim, who needs shoes. She sounds really good. Has great stage presence, is owning the stage. I would have hoped for a better song than this. "How Come You Don't Call Me Anymore" by Alicia Keys. Nice run at the end. She barely made that last note, I mean she crawled toward it like Seacrest toward a snappy comeback, and she only squeaked by. But she really came out swinging and didn't go safe like the safety guys of Tuesday night. That last note really hurt my ears, though. Especially on the replay. I think I'll vote for her. Randy loved her even though she was pitchy dawg but can learn from it. Paula says she's a star. Simon says she's better than everything, better than the guys last night (who all clap and nod and smile and pretend that they're happy for her), better than herself, better than sex and chocolate and Paula's vodka and unicorns and definitely better than Seacrest. Simon thought it was a good song choice. I disagree, but whatever. She sang it mostly well.

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Rating: 2.8/5 (29 votes cast)

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February 20, 2007
American Idol Six - Top 12 Guys
Posted by sarahk at 11:22 PM

Finally we have arrived at the voting rounds in the Idol studio. Thank goodness. And tonight is a 2-hour Idol. Two hours! The girls tomorrow night, and Thursday night two girls and two guys go home. We wittle them down fast now.

Ryan asks Randy about all the heat he's been taking this season for being so hard on contestants. Randy says he's just being more honest, and Ryan asks if he's just been lying all along. SarahK says yeah, dawg. Yeah. Paula's gonna have to be all more supportive and stuff, uh huh, and more happy seal clappy, yes. Ryan asks Simon if all of the Grammys, #1 hits, plus Jennifer Hudson's Oscar nod put more pressure on the contestants because the show is more valid blah blah blah... Simon says "Yes." Ryan was hoping Simon would expound, so he asks how the contestants should navigate the scary, raging American Idol river of pressure or some equally bad metaphor. Simon says, "Sing well." Yes, I agree, Simon, let's get to it, shall we?

Oh, my insides are all torn up. Y'all don't ever get diseases of the small intestine, ok? Not fun, dawg. Not fun.

After the break, the guys get to share share share their audition memories. Rudy Cardenas says that being a professional musician means eating Ramen noodles & mac & cheese. So not for celiacs, then?

IDOLS 01... Rudy is singing "Free Ride", and the first several bars are completely unintelligible. Completely. In fact, I can't tell what he's singing until he says "come on and take a free ride". After the chorus, I again can't tell what he's singing. It was campy, there was very little charisma, and come on. This is your one shot to show America who you are, and you come out here and sing a boring, overdone song that they play on TV commercials every five minutes? Terrible song choice, no enunciation, an awful bore. Ok, so he blew it. Unless someone else totally tanks, I think he's out.

After the break, Chris Sligh says that tonight is all about the guys looking pretty. Ryan is all, "Ok, you stay over there..." (so I can join you later...) Ryan is so in love.

IDOLS 02... Brandon Rogers is the one who sang backup for Christina and Usher and others, and now he's ready to take the spotlight. Ok, when the lights come up he's already singing, which is weird, and he's singing all slow and low, and I think he's going for a sultry effect, but really I'm just confused yet waiting for something big. Then the tempo picks up, and he is singing "I Wanna Rock with You". He's on pitch the whole song, that's fine. Smooth, velvety voice. Enunciation is way better than that guy who went first (too forgettable to name, and it would require scrolling for me to find the name for you... Well, yes, I do realize I could have scrolled in the time that I typed all this about scrolling, but see my hands and wrists didn't have to move for me to keep typing). Very warm, charming, sexy. Yes, woohoo, but I have to say, I was incredibly underwhelmed by his entire performance. I kept waiting for him to bust out and start belting some notes into the atmosphere. I felt like the song was pitched too low for him. I hope I'm not detecting a Studdardesque laziness in him. Eh, I think he'll stay, but for me it wasn't vote-worthy. He'll be safe on his smile alone, though.

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Rating: 2.5/5 (27 votes cast)

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February 14, 2007
American Idol -- Cut to 24 -- Dun Dun Dunnnnn
Posted by sarahk at 11:54 PM

So here we go. They don't actually have any singing competitions to get from the cut to 40 that they did last night to the cut to 24 that they're doing tonight. It's just something so the 40 kids can get really excited and think they made it, but then for 16 of them, the judges say, "Oh no, not you. Sorry to get you all lathered up for your deluxe pedicure just to tell you that you don't even get a basic foot rub."

Sanjaya Malakar. Of course, we know he's going through. He's a great voice. Could stand to eat a sandwich, because half of him is split off into his twin sister, but sings well whether he throws up all his meals or not. I kid; no, I'm not starting a rumor that he's bulimic, I'm just making a joke that he's skinny, give the poor kid a break. I'm just envious, come on! I'd kill for that fluffy hair, too! Anyway, he's in.

Anna Kearns is the girl who says she's 6'13" with heels or something, and I don't think she's going to Hollywood. And I'm right, she's out.

Bernard Williams is someone I've never even seen, so I'm thinking he's out. Yes, he's out. Someone named Eric Davis is out. All of the contestants who are left are pretending to be sad when the contestants get eliminated, but really in their minds they're saying, hey, that's one more slot that's open for me!

Oh, that makes me sad. Tami Gosnell is out. She's the pedicab driver from what, San Francisco? Auditioned in Memphis or something? I don't quite remember, but she was soulful, modest, original, I thought she was one of the better auditions, and definitely one of the better girls. Maybe she didn't undress enough for the show. Shame on AI. I think I would have voted for her often.

Frank and I are wondering about the opera girl, Rachel Zevita, from New York. She was an early favorite of ours, and we haven't heard anything of her since her audition. Nothing in Hollywood week that I remember. Her myspace page hasn't been updated (Frank googled her, no, I'm not stalking her, so shut UP!).

Melinda Doolittle, the backup singer, is staying for the voting. Simon has very nice things to say to her and tells her it was unanimous, and she's earned her spot at the front of the stage. Hugs and kisses all around. Mwah!

Brandon Rogers, the other backup singer, comes in, and they show his Hollywood week stuff. He is singing that Bryan Adams song about really loving a woman. Um, please keep him. Pleeeeeeeeeeeease. Yay! They're keeping him!

The contestants so far seem more mature this year than last year. The ones they're letting through, anyway. I mean voices, not necessarily attitudes. Or whatever. I'm judging before the first commercial break. Shut up SarahK. Shut UP!

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Rating: 2.1/5 (12 votes cast)

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February 13, 2007
American Idol -- Hollywood week! Yay!
Posted by sarahk at 10:43 PM

We're finally out of the auditions.

And -- SPOILER ALERT FOR CSI: HORATIO -- THAT WAS SUCH AN AWESOME EPISODE! Yes, we just finished it and are just now going to watch AI, but first, lemme gush. What an awesome ending, when Horatio nailed Clavo and Clavo totally looked surprised by it? Fantastic. I heart Horatio Caine! And Yay Yay Yay for Delko not being dead! But so so sad about him thinking Marisol is alive. When he asked Calleigh about Marisol. Oh. My heart. Oh, and how dumb is Boa Vista? When she saw the uncut diamond on the floor, I immediately said out loud, "Uncut diamond!" and Boa Vista said, "Piece of glass?" like you ever just see one solitary piece of glass laying on the floor like that. Like someone just dropped it on their way through to the recycle bin. I think I'll lay this piece of glass here. ?? Ditz. And y'all don't even start about David Caruso. He totally RAWKS!

Ahem. On to Idol.

Uhhh. Is that Katharine McPhee's CD cover? Suh-LUTT! I'm not saying she is one, I'm just saying that's what she looks like in that picture. Gen-you-wine bona fide slut.

Okay. Day 1 is the girls. They do a quick run-through of six girls, and some of them sound good, some bad, none awful, none great. They axe the whole first group. Bam. Wow, that'll make everyone else take notice. I think the only one I was surprised to see leave so early is Jory Steinberg.

Next. I expect this Perla Meneses girl to leave quickly. As fast as the first row. Oh good grief. Please don't put Salma Penelope Hayek Cruz through to the voting. Yikes, they kept her over more talented people. I mean really. Her over Jory Steinberg and that Rachel girl? And the other girls who can actually sing? This is a singing competition, Simon, not a gyrating competition. Simon warns her that she's more style over talent or something, blah blah blah, and she's crying, and you know what? Maybe one of those girls who got sent home will trade with you. Suck it up.

Baylie Brown, who my bff thinks looks exactly like my sister, sounds great. I'm glad she's staying. She's my pick for the final 12 girls.

Nicole and Nicole's mom. Um, you didn't make it. Leave. They look so pathetic when they beg. And even worse when they make their moms beg.

BTW, 24 blogging should return tomorrow. Should. I might do last night's episode tomorrow.

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Rating: 2.5/5 (13 votes cast)

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February 12, 2007
No Fox News mornings for me at all
Posted by sarahk at 11:17 AM

I love Megyn Kendall (or however you spell that), but since I can't bear to watch Bill Hemmer (I just don't have it in me to say why this morning, but it has to do with what I suppose his IQ to be), and y'all know how I feel about Gretchen and Brian in the mornings... Supposedly E.D. will be pushed to 11. They sure are pushing her around a lot these days, no?

Yeah, Fox has plunged into pure suckitude. So now I have a dilemma. E.D. Hill at 11? or the View?

::ducks::

Yeah, yeah. I Tivo the View anyway. I do. I love watching trainwrecks. And I love arguing with people in my head, and Joy Behar provides endless hours of fantastical arguing pleasure for me. Not to mention the joy I get from watching Rosie not grasp how twisted her logic is.

So when will it be enough for E.D.? When is her contract up? Do y'all think she's just waiting for that and already knows where she's headed? Today she's not even on. It's that Bridgette lady who disappeared last year.

Rating: 2.3/5 (8 votes cast)

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February 07, 2007
Attention Greg Gutfeld:
Posted by sarahk at 09:23 AM

You be nicer to your mom, or I'm gonna start snarking your show. But please do stay on the air, because I think Frank has agreed to Tivo your show the night before and play it in the morning, which means I will no longer be subjected to Fox & Friends against my will when I wake up. And I do so appreciate that.

Rating: 3.3/5 (9 votes cast)

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American Idol Six - San Antonio auditions
Posted by sarahk at 12:01 AM

I'll not thank all the people who chose to further that stupid stereotype that we all ride horses for a living and brush our teeth with horsehair toothbrushes while singing Rawhide at the top of our lungs.

Yee-haw.

First up tonight is Bryan Kyrish of San Antonio, screaming "Rebel Yell", and my vocal chords are having sympathy pains.

Haley Scarnato is next, and she's very pretty. Pretty girl, pretty voice. Not outstanding, but the judges say, "Well, you don't suck, so welcome to Hollywood." Seems to be a theme this year.

Oh my goodness, 10 points that don't count for anything to the first person who finds me the YouTube video of this!! It's beautiful. Jasmine Holland's family has made a poster for their girl. "Jasmine's Are Next American Idol!" I read it and reread it and kept looking for nouns at the end of the sentence or something to make that a correct exclamatory sentence, and then I realized. Oh. And on national television. How sad for them. Ok, so let's make fun! I hope they're from out of state. Please don't let them be from Texas, because it really sounds like an Oklahoma thing to do. Or at least... you know... an Aggie thing.

Now watch, I'll do it before the end of this blog post. But hey, they thought about this poster and probably traced it out with pencil first. I mean, it's on posterboard! Mine is on little teeny pixels!

Now, the singing is awful, and I don't want to make fun of that. And the judges, Simon in particular, are laughing. But Simon is laughing before she ever starts singing, so it just snowballs once she starts. I actually felt sorry for her while she was singing, because the judges were having the giggle-fits before she ever got going, but then once she started running her mouth and flinging the insults once it was all over, I changed my mind. Especially since she was from San Antonio, and that made me mad, because she embarrassed my state and all. Jasmine, You Our* Not My Next American Idol. *on purpose

Baylie Brown is from Krum and is only 16. When they do the whole life on the ranch thing, I'm scared, but she's the anti-Kellie, because she doesn't pretend to not know anything about anything. She's the little It-girl, fashion-lover, knows she doesn't belong in a small town. When she's singing, she reminds me of Natalie Maines, except prettier, with a stronger voice that doesn't itch and doesn't twang as hard (thank goodness). I did notice that she started rolling through the song like a freight train, and it got a little scary for me. I started screaming, "Slow down! Slow down!" halfway through. Does it go like that? I wasn't familiar with the song, but talk about your accelerandos.

Speaking of Latin, tonight we watched last night's CSI: Horatio, and oh my goodness, Delko!!! Are you kidding me? I will be so upset if he is dead. He is one of my favorite characters. Clavo Cruz better watch out for me and Calleigh and Horatio, because I don't know who is more ticked off about that. I needed serious comforting after we watched that.

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Rating: 3.0/5 (11 votes cast)

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February 05, 2007
Needles of fire!
Posted by sarahk at 11:37 PM

Needles of fire on 24 tonight!

If only Quentin Tarantino had been there to administer them instead of Jack Bauer!
And how great would it have been if James Cromwell had said, "That'll do, Jack. That'll do." when he popped his head inside the room to let Jack know he'd tortured his brother enough with the needles of fire?

My full snark of the episode will be up tomorrow, but we watched Heroes first, and it's late, and I want to get to bed at a decent hour.

Rating: 2.4/5 (8 votes cast)

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January 31, 2007
American Idol Six - LA auditions
Posted by sarahk at 10:36 PM

So Olivia Newton-John is guest judging this week, and Paula seems to be done with her family obligations.

And the first dog and pony show, complete with added sound effects, is Martik Manoukian. Fuh-RIIIIIIIIK!

Sholandric Stallworth. For some reason, I thought he was going to sing that very well; I think it was his talking voice that deceived me. It was not good.

And then there's the parade of people in Halloween costumes. Yawn.

I really liked the New York auditions. Can we have another night of those?

Marianna Riccio. Oh good grief. They made it sound like she was going to be great because she has a show biz background and her mom was in show biz, and it was amazingly bad. Oh dear no, not the beg. They don't realize how awful it is when they beg. And she went and got her mom to talk to the judges.

And now it's the parade of little Ollie Twists. Please sir, they want some more. Please, Simon, I want a pistol.

Alaina Alexander is absolutely beautiful. Appearance-wise, I say she has "It". She's the first one of the day who can hit two consecutive notes on key, but wow, she's singing a terrible song and getting pitchy, dawg. How do these people pick their audition songs? They're letting her through based on looks and an okay audition. I think they should have made her sing a second song.

Phuong Pham has a sad story about an unsupportive family who doesn't want her to do music and doesn't think she's pretty enough... and she starts with this awful gyrational dancing jerky... thing. Maybe if she wasn't doing cartwheels while she sang, her notes wouldn't all get forced back into her lungs. Simon keeps calling her Pong. He asks how to pronounce it, and she says Phong, and he repeats it back Pong. I don't know why he asks for pronunciations if he's then only going to pronounce the names wrong anyway. Maybe it's time for a hearing aid, Simon. She's not a video game. Oh no. And when they're playing her out, they play the awful forced Taylor Hicks AI song! I do prefer the Weird Al version.

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Rating: 2.4/5 (16 votes cast)

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January 30, 2007
American Idol Six - Birmingham auditions
Posted by sarahk at 08:44 PM

Ryan just said the dumbest thing. Something like "Birmingham is the home of Bo Bice, Ruben Studdard, and Taylor Hicks. So we thought we'd come see what all the hype is about." Uhhh. All the hype is about Bo, Ruben, and Taylor. Well, not so much Ruben for me, but you get my picture.

Erica Skye (sp? I didn't is yelling "Unchained Melody", make that butchering "Unchained Melody", which she heard was Simon's favorite song. Oh good grief. She's gonna sing "Unchained Melody" by "Leann Rimes". It's not by her, but she did cover it, if you must know. You wish they would have been nicer? I wish you would have stopped singing when they asked you to the first time. Or the first ten times.

Katie Bernard. Um, I did not expect her to sound like that after hearing the Mickey Mouse speak. She can sing. I hated it, but I can't deny that she has a voice. I hope she sings differently, but she can sing. She's so stinking annoying but in a very cute way. Like she's the Kellie Pickler who could actually grow on me. The ridiculously annoying girl whom everyone loves for some inexplicable reason, but I could actually learn to like her. Except that she is not tone deaf like KP. Paula puts her through simply because Simon hates it.

Tatiana McConnico is 17 and fabulous. Yay, she's through.

Diana Walker is singing "Saving All My Love". Paula and Randy are laughing at her. She's really not so good, and she sounds like she's doing belly laughs on some of the notes. It is a little funny, I must say, but the way Randy and Paula are behaving... That's so RUDE!

Bernard Williams II. "Rock with You", and thankfully doesn't sound like Michael Jackson. I'm so over Michael Jackson. Sounds very good, and Simon says 100% yes. Paula says great tone but thinks it's off-key? What? Her eyes are kinda moving all funky, and her Coca-Cola glass is full of something that looks like water, right?

Margaret Fowler. She offends my senses with her Big Birdy ways. Haha, her name is Fowler. As in fowl. Chicken. Fowl. And she's fifty. Simon finally gets her confession.

Awww, that Coke commercial was totally cute.

Meet your next dumb blonde bombshell act. Jamie Lynn Ward. Except with an even more sobby awful sympathy-votey story. Sorry, but Frank and I laughed at that over-the-top story. Maybe not so much at the story itself, but the way she said it.

JUDGES: So tell us about yourself.
SYMPATHY VOTE: I live with my Grama. My dad's paralyzed.
JUDGES: Oh. I'm sorry. How?
SYMPATHY VOTE [matter-of-factly]: Oh. He shot himself. In the neck. [Just a-rockin' back and forth on her heels, grinnin'.]
JUDGES: Wow. Uh. Why?
SYMPATHY VOTE: Oh. It's ok. It just tells you to keep trying. No matter what. His wife was cheatin' on him. That's my step-mom. He shot her. Then he shot himself. Now he's paralyzed. And me and my Grama take care of him. Y'all wanna go get some ice cream?

Something like that. As you may have guessed, she's through to the next round. She actually had a pretty enough voice. And she's not tone-deaf like last year's sympathy vote. Randy and Paula said yes, and Simon said he would have said no. Oh, and her accent is even more over the top than Kellie Pickler's. And yes. She's from North Carolina. Yippee!

Chris Sligh, my favorite contestant so far. Finally, a contestant with a personality! Why are you here? "I wanna make David Hassellhoff cry." He references the tear on the Hoff's cheek in last year's finale when Taylor won. Hahahahahaha. Love it. Frank and I are instant fans. He has confidence but isn't pretentious. I could do without his overly shaky vibrato, but I think he won Simon over by proving that Americans have humor(humour) too. Paula's first seal clap of the the season, for a Seal song! And I'm pretty sure she's loopy now. And he's through to Hollywood.

Paula had to go back to Hollywood for a family obligation. She's related to Betty Ford? So now it's just Randy and Simon.

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Rating: 2.1/5 (20 votes cast)

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January 24, 2007
American Idol Six -- New York auditions
Posted by sarahk at 09:36 PM

Carole Bayer Sager is sitting in as guest judge. Let's be hopeful that she'll say more than Jewel did in her stint.

Our first giant loser is Ian Benardo. He has chinchilla fur, two therapists, and his name on his shirt. He deserves every bit of ridicule he gets, except that is what he wants. He just asked Simon for his visa and accused him of being an illegal. And now he's being ousted by security and there he goes saying Simon is the dangerous illegal one. And even Ryan looks annoyed and pushes Ian down the hall, and they could have cut about ten minutes out of his tirade, and I think I would have gotten the point. It's like in those church hymns where the 2nd or 3rd verse has a star next to it, and the star means that you can drop that verse without changing the meaning of the hymn. What a turd.

Sarah Burgess lied to her parents to audition. Her dad doesn't want her to audition or be a singer. If she goes, he won't help her with school or college. I'm sure he won't see it on TV or hear about it at all. Nobody watches this show. She's very pretty. And there goes the crying. Can someone tell me why everyone is singing "Call Me" this year? Did it have a comeback this year or get packaged on the B side of "Black Horse and the Cherry Tree" and I just am not cool and didn't get the text? "hey sk! dl call me by blondie on2 ur ipod stat! it's the bomb! over." Are they even saying "It's the bomb" these days? I doubt it -- I'm showing my geekiness. I don't care, y'all can all shut up. Anyway, I like her. Like Simon says, she doesn't have the best voice, but I think she can improve, and I think she'll try. And she is bawling like a baby, and I love contestants like her, because she's weepy and genuinely feeling it. And terrified of telling her daddy. Wow, he must be a big meanie. No look, he's supportive. Or knows he's on TV. Notice that TV cut, where Ryan must have said, "Bob, don't say anything you don't want broadcast on national television." Bob's first reaction sounded happily surprised, and he just wants her home safely, blah blah blah. So she's so happy. Nice story. I hope she works hard in Hollywood. BTW, I kinda cried like a baby at her story too. But I cry at GEICO commercials, so that's not saying much. That poor, misunderstood caveman.

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Rating: 2.0/5 (10 votes cast)

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January 23, 2007
American Idol Season Six - Memphis auditions
Posted by sarahk at 10:53 PM

All of Memphis audtioned for American Idol this year.

I would like to say that I want to see more good auditions, fewer awful ones, and zero instances of Simon saying people look like monkeys.

This first guy's name is Frank Byers, so he should go to the next round, because my husband's name is Frank. Scratch that. I am not enjoying this. It is wonky and feels like a Slinky to me. He could sing, but I felt like he was a Slinky. And now two men are lifting Ryan in the air. Hrm.

Timika Sims. That is an unfortunate place for her hoodie string's knot to be. She's never sung in front of anyone before. And Randy is off his nut this year. He just laughs at everyone. You're bad? Randy will laugh at you. You're awful? It's a laugh from Randy.

Christopher Rivera. Another joke. Somebody slashed his pants with a machete covered in paint.

Alexis Partee, the stripper with the bangle bracelets that went out in the 1980s. I have nothing to say about that.

This guy's dad named him Sundance Head. It was hell to grow up with that name, he says. I'm so glad he owns it, because if he makes it through, I will have so much fun with that. The marquee says Jason 'Sundance' Head. Ooh, and he's from Texas. And he starts singing, and can he just sing for the entire hour? Why do they have to show all these other jokers at all? Just let this guy hit those high notes that left me breathless. Ok, enough cliches. (One is enough for me.) And I'm a big Taylor Hicks fan, but I have to agree with Simon. This *snicker* Sundance guy (it helps me say it if I say the word "guy" after his name) is better at first glance. We'll see how he stacks up. I hope he's not one of those that Simon was talking about that made it to Hollywood and then crumbled before the final 24.

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Rating: 2.2/5 (15 votes cast)

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January 22, 2007
24 Day 6 -- 9 a.m. to 10 a.m.
Posted by sarahk at 02:29 AM

I would give a spoiler alert, but if you still haven't caught up with your Tivo, you watch even more TV than we do, and that is crazy insane. You should cut back. Or take fewer business trips.

Note: It took me all week to come back to this episode and finish this hour of 24, because I hated it. It ended horribly. Not the nuke. Yeah, that was bad, but we all knew that was going to happen. Something huge was coming, or else all those commercials were waaaaaay overhyping the premier. But for Jack to shoot Curtis in the neck to save a terrorist who has killed hundreds, probably thousands of Americans? That was one of the suckiest plot twists ever ever. Frank says that they originally considered having Jack kill Tony to save Robocop last season, and this was just that horrible leftover plot device. You know, sometimes when leftovers have been sitting in my refrigerator for too long, if I just take them out and put them on the TV trays and say, "Mmm, eat up!" do you know what happens? Nothing, because I would never do that. Frank and I would get food poisoning, and I would never do that to my husband, because I love him and respect him too much. Leftovers have a shelf life.

Furthermore, the only reason I'm finishing my snark is because my husband, whom I love more than anyone else in the whole world, really wants me to. He also wants me to keep doing these every week, and he is the head of the household. Plus, I'm funnier when I think the show is stupid. Which is now, 24. I hate you and your Curtis-killing hero. I'm officially out of the Jack Bauer fan club. Do you know whom I heart? Horatio Caine, who is killing terrorists on Monday nights at 10 eastern. That's right. Horatio never would have killed Curtis. He would have taken off his sunglasses, called the president, told the president that he would not head up the mission if Assad got a pardon ("I appreciate your help and will get you through this day alive, sir, but there are families out there who still need answers for your past crimes."), looked at Curtis, said, "We'll find another way," put the sunglasses back on, "we'll find another way."

Jack is whack, and I don't love him anymore.

Oh, BTW. When everyone looks back and tries to figure out when 24 jumped the shark? It's this episode.

Previously on 24...

Do you wonder why they didn't give Numir new clothes? Orange stands out, no? Whatever, it's not like I want him to be safe out there. Bill is yelling at CTU for doing really bad jobs. Have any of them slept in weeks? Maybe you should bring in nap rooms like all the cool companies are doing, Bill. It's your fault they lost Numir! No, wait, it's the president's fault that he was letting a hundred or so terrorists go by negotiating with terrorists. Something you -- say it with me -- don't do.

Numir is German and moved to the Middle East eight years ago. He's evil. Evil Germans! Wait. Those are my people. Hey, I should get all offended and demand an apology from 24! Oh wait, I'm not a big fat baby like some people.

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Rating: 2.3/5 (13 votes cast)

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January 17, 2007
American Idol Season Six - Seattle auditions
Posted by sarahk at 10:51 PM

Reportedly the worst stop on the auditions tour this year.

Brandon Groves. The guy who sang "I Shot the Sheriff" to Paula last season. Now he is dressed as Uncle Sam to sing "God Bless America". And it's bad.

Jennifer Chapton. The hotness. "Give Me Your Love". Give me some earplugs. Wow, no wonder Paula went on the local Seattle show smashy smashed. She needed something to get through the pain of Seattle.

Not that I would have done. But wow.

Amy Salgado. Her husband isn't supportive of her auditioning. That's sad. But then again, she has a baby and responsibilities. Or... um. Maybe he wanted to spare her the embarrassment. He knew what would happen, because he's heard her sing. I hope she went home and just let him give her a big hug.

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Rating: 2.9/5 (20 votes cast)

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January 16, 2007
American Idol Season Six premier - DVR delayed liveblog
Posted by sarahk at 09:06 PM

It's almost 9, and I'm just now starting.

They're going through all the big stars that came out of Idol heretofore, and I'm with them until they make me laugh with Kellie Pickler. She's a household name, alright. I have a CD clock with her face on it, even!

So first they went to Minneapolis, and Jewel is a guest judge on the panel. And the first girl they showcase is a crier. Jessica Rhode. Jewel is very gracious for as long as she can stand it. It was not so good. Ok, it was actually in tune, there was actually a melody on key, but the tone quality of her voice was just... bad. And the contestants need to know by now that they should not sing an artist's own song in front of the artist. Ever. "I'm not gonna stop." Please do. She was cute, though.

So... did Cadet Happy go down and audition when they had the Minneapolis auditions? I know he's twice the age limit, but maybe he could fake it.

Troy Benham is the Amish joke singing some song about spit dripping in someone's face.

The next Carrie Underwood? No, but maybe that girl they rejected could be the next Kellie Pickler!

Jesse Holloway. I know someone with that name. Anyway, oh. My goodness, he's singing the Titanic song. Badly. Airily. And he's asked for a water break two lines in. And it is not better when he comes back. Even Paula rubs her temples. Frank says she's trying to get her brain to work.

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Rating: 2.0/5 (6 votes cast)

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January 15, 2007
I'm potentially out
Posted by sarahk at 10:59 PM

SPOILER ALERT

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Rating: 2.1/5 (18 votes cast)

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24 Day 6 -- 8 a.m. to 9 a.m.
Posted by sarahk at 09:12 PM

Viewer discretion! Last time, that meant GreyJack would take a bite out of crime! This time, let’s hope it doesn’t mean Audrey is back. A nuclear explosion is more palatable for viewer discretion.

Previously on 24…

8 a.m.: GreyJack the werewolf and Assad are following bin Diesel's man. Casualty reports are coming in to CTU and the White House. It's bad bad bad, because they didn't listen to Jack, who is always right.

Bin Diesel calls Palmer to negotiate some more, and SarahK has an opinion about negotiating with terrorists. Palmer says, Ok, what do you want? I'm all ears. And chrome dome, yo. BD says he wants the US to release some enemy combatants (um... TERRORIST DIRTBAGS) and then quotes the ACLU, Amnesty International, and Reuters, eventually calling the dirtbags "freedom fighters." They're French? Bathe them immediately, they'll talk! BD wants them in the air in international airspace within the hour. Oh, and he will only make this "offer" once. They hang up, and everyone (Bill, Karen, Bisquick) is against it except Wayne, who thinks it will buy them more time to find bin Diesel. Okie dokey. S-L-O-W.

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Rating: 3.0/5 (7 votes cast)

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24 prediction
Posted by sarahk at 07:52 PM

so... the big shocker tonight. do y'all think a nuke is going to go off? or will it be worse? like Audrey comes back?

Rating: 2.4/5 (9 votes cast)

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January 14, 2007
24 Day 6 -- 7 a.m. to 8 a.m.
Posted by sarahk at 11:02 PM

Previously on 24...
SPOILER ALERT!!

1 hour gone, and so far, no revival of Tony. I'm still not ruling it out, since his death was so ridiculously unceremonious. Why keep him in that coma for several hours just to kill him the second he comes out of it?

So we know that the Muslim kid has a package that he needs to deliver soon.

Fayed's people say they need to go, and Fayed says he wants to find Jack Bauer first because he knows the truth about him and Assad. Fayed's people tell Fayed (we'll call him bin Diesel) that by the time Jack finds Assad, Assad will be dead, so no worries. Jack sloshes out of the tunnels and surprisingly does not disintegrate into ash. Must be wearing some fantastic sunblock!

At CTU, Milo wonders if Jack bought the farm for no reason at all when they can't get a heat signature at the Lat/Long given them by bin Diesel. Chloe overhears and tells Milo to shut up. Morris tells Milo to attenuate his thoughtless remarks. Chloe is a sensitive girl, you know. Jack breaks into a car whose owner happened to leave their cell phone in the car (I always leave my safety net in my locked car so I can't call a locksmith or towtruck or emergency vehicle if needed) and calls in for Bill. I love this phone call. Priceless runaround primetime.

JACK: Bill, call off the airstrikes on Assad.
BILL: Jack, I'm so glad you're alive! Why call off the airstrikes?
JACK: You're going after the wrong man. Assad is not responsible for the bombings.
BILL: Where'd you get this information?
JACK: It's complicated. I'll explain it to you as soon as you call off the airstrike.
SARAHK: Wouldn't it have been shorter to say, "Bin Diesel told me that he himself is behind the bombings"? It's not really too complicated for a man who's been at CTU as long as Bill, seen what he's seen, is married to the National Security Advisor, knows the president, and has run Division. Give him a shot, Jack.
BILL: I don't have the authority to rescind a presidential order, Jack. You know that.
JACK: Then put me through to the president, I'll tell him myself.
SARAHK: Ooh! Ooh! While you're talking to him, you should say something about selling out the people who sacrifice everything for you and mention not negotiating with terrorists. Say that one a few times. It never gets old.
JACK: Bill, trust me. Just put me through to the White House.
SARAHK: Seriously, Jack. That conversation would have been over so fast if you'd said, "Bin Diesel told me that Assad is here to stop him. He's using you to kill his enemy."
JACK: SarahK, it's a 24 hour show. We have some time to fill.
SARAHK: See? Be succinct. Like that.

Jack hotwires the car while Bill tells Wayne Palmer that Jack is alive and that Jack says Assad is the wrong guy. Jack tells Wayne that Assad wants to mainstream his organization, bring them into the political process, blah blah blah, and bin Diesel wants to stop that from happening. Karen reminds Jack that Assad's organization has been warring against the west for twenty years and has killed hundreds, and Jack says yes, but call off the strike. Palmer says let's do a ground strike instead, Karen says we can't afford it (what, we're broke?), Bisquick and Karen both don't like Jack's judgment because of the twenty months in Chinese prison. Palmer thinks it over, and as he does, I am dumbfounded by the number of bald men on the show this season. Did they all get together and have a Trivial Pursuit game? The losing team had to shave their heads? Morris, Palmer, Curtis, bin Diesel, random computer guy at IAA. I'm sure there will be more. Palmer decides to go with the people who have not been tortured for almost two years; he proceeds as planned. Jack loads the coordinates he had previously memorized (terrorists shouldn't say things out loud in front of their hostages) into his stolen cellphone, which has a subliminal advertising mapping feature, and starts driving.

In suburbia, Ahmed (ok, is that pronounced with a hard "h" or not? I always thought yes) gets a call from "Uncle" bin Diesel and tells the nice neighbor family that he's going back to his house where he will meet up with his Uncle. Bin Diesel has asked if he has retrieved the package, and Ahmed says he will have it soon. When Ahmed leaves, his teenage friend follows him outside and is really nice to him. Says that he's sorry this is all happening. "Ahmed? I'm sorry. I can't believe this is happening. It's like the whole world's gone crazy." Ok, this family has been nothing but nice to this rat-faced coward. His reply: "Actually, it's been crazy for a long time. You just haven't been paying attention." Bite me. He tries to give him a necklace for good luck, and the teenage terrorist refuses it. "You might need it yourself someday." Plus, you're a filthy infidel American pig, and you might have touched bacon with your necklace.

Helicopters are en route to Assad's location, and so is Jack. Jack arrives and quickly finds a convenient pile of firewood in L.A. where it is very cold next to the palm trees. He knocks out the lone guard outside of Assad's house with a log and gets his gun. He gains access to the house and has a standoff with Assad and his men. He tells Assad about bin Diesel and the transponder and the impending airstrike. Jack concludes that bin Diesel must have a man on the inside who is carrying the transponder on him. They find him. Assad and Jack take the mole outside while others stay inside to secure computer files. Helicopters come in and fire missiles, destroying the house. Attacking our own soil. Craziness! And Islamofascists are so funny. They leave their loyal people inside the house to die while getting the infiltrator out to safety. I guess he's their only lead. But still!

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Rating: 2.3/5 (8 votes cast)

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24 Day 6 -- 6 a.m. to 7 a.m.
Posted by sarahk at 08:34 PM

Begins right now... beep boop all that. Yay!
SPOILER ALERT!!

Yay! Viewer discretion is advised! awesome!

Scene setup. Fox News Alert. A real one, it seems, not like the fake ones that come every seven minutes on Fox News and can be anything from a cat climbing a tree to an actual news item. San Antonio has been bombed by Islamofascists, and there have been multiple attacks with over 900 casualties. A man who could look Middle-Eastern sees the Alert and then frantically runs to try to catch a bus that has already closed its doors. The bus driver gives him the twice over and opts to move on. Well, he should have been on time if he wanted to look like a potential terrorist. That's right, I said it, and chances are I'll say it again tomorrow in casual conversation. He gets all screamy and yells about his rights as a terrorist lookalike when the bus pulls away. It's called profiling, and most people do it whether they admit it or not. Deal with it, Obama. I mean, Osama. Honest mistake, sorry.

Turns out, profiling does save lives! Particularly Obama's, because there's an Asian-looking guy (well, what? he doesn't look Norwegian or Texan, ok? give him a cowboy hat, and I'll say Texan. I'm an equal opportunity stereotyper. Even when it's my own people.) on the bus with bomb wires coming out of his PDA gadget. He blows up the bus.

So now Karen Hayes, Mr. F of last season, is the National Security Advisor. And her hair looks great, yes? And Professor Biscuit Fleinhardt of Numb3rs is also an advisor and/or cabinet member (we're unclear so far). Wayne Palmer has been the president for three months. Interesting. Is he married suddenly, or is he our first bachelor president? I never heard of him having a family or a wife. Well. He had someone else's wife, but I don't think that counts, and personally, I think that should count against you. Oh, and I don't want to hear anyone else ask the question, "Is America ready for a black president?" Uh, duh. Have you ever seen the show? We've had two now.

Anyway, Professor Biscuit (he'll get a new name soon, of course, as will Mr. F), has successfully instituted a policy of interning some of the American Muslims in encampments. NSA is calling them "concentration camps." That's extreme of her. Ok, I want this to be enjoyable for most audiences, so I'll leave my own opinions out of this (read: I had to backspace quite a bit -- I love tangents!). There's one terrorist guy leading all of the attacks, and they want to capture him. I missed his name, probably Mohammed. Once they capture that guy, everything will end and we'll be back to sunshine and roses in America, because no one else will want to kill us ever again -- just like how some people say that we should focus only on Bin Laden so this will all be over for us! And Palmer says we're paying a super-steep price to get Mohammed.

Muslim extremist seasons are probably going to bring out Political Ranty SarahK. I'll try to save her for other posts on the day after. This is about having fun with our favorite show!

At CTU, Morris (Chloe's ex-husband) and Milo (why has he been missing from seasons again?) are not getting along, because Morris is sarcastic and Milo is boring. Chloe comes over, and we establish that she and Morris are an item again. "I had the same problem with department heads when I started, and I learned to get along. You should try it," says Chloe. Haha. Nadia is apparently Chloe's new boss, and Chloe has a request from DHS and many questions for Nadia.


Suspected moles are: Nadia, this Clay Aiken guy that popped up, and Milo. Someone remind me why he left? I thought it was something to do with Kim and a heartbreak. Ugh, did y'all see in the preview she's back? Why her? Why me? Focus, SarahK.

They've maybe found a way to find Assad (previously Mohammed): Jack Bauer. Chloe warns Nadia that this could never work, because Jack's in a Chinese prison. Nadia tells her that her crush is coming back, and Chloe is thinking, "Dangit! I never would have hooked back up with my ex if I'd known there was still a chance that Jack would be out anytime soon! Oh well, love 'em and leave 'em, I'll get rid of him by 7:48 a.m." Chloe finds out Bill is meeting Jack at a Naval Air Station.

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Rating: 2.7/5 (17 votes cast)

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May 26, 2006
24 Day 5 - 5 a.m. and 6 a.m. -- the season finale!
Posted by sarahk at 11:23 PM

Previously on 24, Aaron verbally kicked President Estro in the nads, Estro tried to have Aaron killed, but Marty saved his life by killing his would-be secret service killer. Estro suicided Walt Cummings. Bierko escaped CTU's transport and threw a nerve-gas canister into a submarine, which just happened to be in an L.A. civilian port being inspected by U.S. navy personnel as a part of the treaty that was signed less than a day earlier, because those treaties work *so* fast. Bierko took over the sub. To catch Bierko, Robocop was offered a deal, and Jack took him with him to the submarine, though we would all rather have Rico Suave for the op. Turns out, there are 12 warheads on the sub that the terrorists want to use for an attack on the U.S.

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Rating: 2.7/5 (11 votes cast)

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May 25, 2006
Re: That 24 blogging
Posted by sarahk at 09:35 PM

Yeah, so internet crashed, and I lost a significant amount of 24 blogging. So I guess it'll be tomorrow.

Rating: 2.9/5 (15 votes cast)

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May 24, 2006
American Idol - The Finale
Posted by sarahk at 08:57 PM

Group song with all of the top 12 + Carrie Underwood. They're singing "I've Made it Through the Rain", which is almost as bad as last year's "He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother". No no. Nothing could ever be that painful. I'm having a seizure just thinking about it. They're completely in white, which is unfortunate. Every time Carrie Underwood or Taylor sings, everyone cheers real loud.

"I wanna hear about your suntan."
And now we have the first of many montages. It's funny, though. They showed Randy saying the same four Randyisms over and over. On Paula, it's her being emotional (playing "I Get So Emotional" in the background, LOL) and being drunk. For Simon, it's The Ego Has Landed. Cute. Simon can have an ego, though. He's the only one who ever has anything to say, and he is all that.

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Rating: 2.4/5 (11 votes cast)

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May 23, 2006
American Idol 5 - The Final!!
Posted by sarahk at 09:53 PM

Don't know why I'm so excited. I know I'm voting for Taylor unless Katharine pulls out something I've never heard from her. Taylor is definitely the most talented, and I don't care how spastic he is. Really, I'm not watching him when listening to his CD. Then again, if they're both boring and safe, I may not vote.

Simon looks suave in his nice jacket. Paula and Randy have meaningless nothings to say, and Simon says each should hope the other forgets the words.

They're showing the Bad Day stuff for both contestants, since neither one gets it tomorrow night.

BTW, sorry about 24. I'll get to it tomorrow. Today I had lots going on.

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Rating: 2.5/5 (16 votes cast)

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May 22, 2006
I Just Have to Say...
Posted by sarahk at 10:27 PM

I totally called that. You NEVER say "I'll be right back." And you CERTAINLY don't say it twice. And I did say exactly who would be behind that door.

BTW, I decided to take tonight off from 24 blogging. I didn't want the 2-hour season finale to take us 4 hours to watch, because um... ALIAS series finale tonight. WHOA! Special guest star Merrin Dungey, are you kidding? Didn't she die? Twice?

I'll get to blogging 24 tomorrow some time. But you know, I've got cleaning, dog training, a massage, and probably a few seizures on the way tomorrow, so it might not be early.

Rating: 2.5/5 (9 votes cast)

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May 16, 2006
American Idol top 3
Posted by sarahk at 11:43 PM

So it is down to three. Chris is gonna do way better, so we're all over him getting kicked off in favor of Katharine, who was almost as shocked as Chris was.

Well, I can see the cocaine and boob job crowd is out in full force tonight. No, I'm not talking about Paula. I'm talking about all those fake boobs in the front row.

3 songs from each tonight. 1 picked by the judges, 1 picked by Clive Davis, 1 picked by the contestant. This is the show where Clive or the judges or both can sabotage a contestant by picking the wrong song for the contestant.

Now here's the skinny: If the finals are Taylor / Katharine: Snore. Elliott / Katharine: Weird dream snore. Taylor / Elliott: Fun and interesting.

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Rating: 3.1/5 (16 votes cast)

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May 15, 2006
24 Day 5 - 4:00 a.m.
Posted by sarahk at 10:04 PM

Previously on 24, President Estrogen tried to shoot down Jack's plane, but they landed in time. Rico Suave helped Jack escape. Bierko got onto a transfer van where he will wreak havoc and escape. Mr. F, Bill, Chloe, and Jack worked together, and Chloe worked on the recording but didn't bother to copy that. Miles the Weasel decided to intervene and erased the recording to help the president. Jack kissed Audrey's knee when they reunited, SarahK vomited in massive quantities. Estro was just about to kill himself when Miles called him.

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Rating: 3.0/5 (6 votes cast)

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May 10, 2006
American Idol top 4 results
Posted by sarahk at 10:38 PM

I don't have a good feeling. I really think Chris is gone. Oh, but seriously. ALIAS DETOUR! I'm gonna get all caught up on my ALIAS snarkage real soon, because tonight's episode is possibly the most snarkworthy EVER!!! (No, wait. Blowback from Season 3 can't ever be beat, truth be told.) GHOST OF NADIA, THANK YOU J.J., I'M IN SNARKER'S HEAVEN! Can you tell what we just watched?

LOL, the Ford commercial ("Wonderful World", our wedding last dance) reminds me of last week's ALIAS, which I really need to snark, because the blatant Ford commercial where Nadia asked Jack about getting the Hybrid was even more blatant a Ford commercial than the Blowback one with the F-150 and the blue Focus. It's so hilarious that I remember the cars (colors and everything!), so Ford is getting its money's worth. Anyway, this AI commercial stunk.

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Rating: 2.9/5 (10 votes cast)

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May 09, 2006
American Idol 5 top 4
The God and the American Idol Producers Hate SarahK Edition
Posted by sarahk at 11:00 PM

Ryan should keep his hands out of his pants pockets tonight, because the hands in the pocket are making his suit give him boobies. For reals.

Anyway, I suspect tonight will be one of the biggest beatings of my life, ranking right up there with the night Frank beat me silly because I forgot to have his dinner ready when he got home from work and my great bike crash of 2002 that left me scarred, bruised for 6 months, and battered.

For the two of you who don't know, I can't change the station fast enough if I hear Elvis on the radio. Especially slow songs. Gag me with a spork.

Tommy Motolla is helping. I can't show respect for someone who married Mariah Carey.

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Rating: 3.3/5 (17 votes cast)

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May 08, 2006
24 Day 5 - 3:00 a.m.
Posted by sarahk at 10:43 PM

Previously on 24, President Estro is crazy insane. Chloe double-tasered an annoying guy in a bar, where she is helping Jack remotely. Bill was taken into custody so it doesn't look like F is helping Bill and Chloe. F's henchman, Miles the Weasel, called Mike Novick to tell him that he doesn't think F is doing a good job. Estro's totally awesome crazy insane wife who's not actually crazy insane downed a bunch of pills with a bunch of wine and called Estro, who basically hung up on his wife, because he's a pinkytoehead. That's not to call him a little blonde, that's... well nevermind. Jack got Robocop's recording and is trying to land the plane. Halliburton told Estro to shoot down the plane that Jack Bauer is on. And they captured Bierko, who's been absent several episodes.

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Rating: 2.6/5 (8 votes cast)

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May 03, 2006
American Idol 5 top 5
Posted by sarahk at 12:55 PM

So I'm just now watching this, because we had a dinner to go to last night. Hey look, there's Anthony Federov in the audience. I liked him for a while.

Paula looks pretty. I wonder if she's drunk. Y'all were all wondering the same thing when you watched it. UPDATE: Apparently they took away her happy pills. She seems normal.

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Rating: 2.3/5 (9 votes cast)

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May 01, 2006
24 Day 5 - 2:00 a.m.
Posted by sarahk at 10:10 PM

Previously on 24, President Estrogen admitted that Palmer's killer works for him, Marty flipped out, Estro said pretty please don't ask anymore questions, Robocop told Estro that he's saving the tape for in case the President has him offed, Miles the Weasel found Chloe at Bill Buchanan's house, Mr. F called and tipped off Bill and Chloe that CTU was on the way, Chloe (who has reapplied lipstick) couldn't leave because she's still helping Jackiepooh, Rico Suave returned to save Audrey and captured Robocop, which made SarahK happy (all except the saving Audrey part), and Audrey started to kinda sorta grow on SarahK. But she's on a really short leash! Also Jack tracked the recording to a chartered diplomatic flight and hopped aboard below deck just as the plane started to rev up, and nobody noticed.

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Rating: 2.4/5 (11 votes cast)

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April 26, 2006
EEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Posted by sarahk at 10:04 PM

I can't believe I wasn't blogging it, stupid migraines. Kellie finally leaves us. Yes. I screamed in the livingroom. I thought it too good to be true that she might go home.

They had a new version of the "Bad Day" song, which I desperately need. They showed Kellie taking a load off her calamari-eatin' chest, but no "what's a ballsy". And thank goodness. They love me enough that they just talked her up until the end of the show and didn't have her sing. That was my favorite thing all week, Kellie not singing.

Andrea Bocelli was wonderful. David Foster's awesome.

Chris & Katharine were the top two. Katharine surprises me, because even when I watched her again this morning it was awful. I'm apparently among very few who thought that, though. Even Simon apologized for being harsh. I suppose I can be wrong occasionally, but when I watched it again and subjected myself to her undies, I still felt the same way as last night. Though honestly, it was probably her ridiculous facial expressions -- she was waxing Kellietically. Maybe I just couldn't get past the faces.

Elliott and Taylor were the middle.

Kellie forgot to thank Vote for the Worst for keeping her in it this long.

Gotta go. Hockey's on, and my Stars have mucho ground to make up in Denver tonight.

Rating: 2.7/5 (12 votes cast)

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April 25, 2006
American Idol 5 top 6
Posted by sarahk at 09:44 PM

And by top 6, I don't mean the best 6 singers of the season. Obviously.

I forgot to pick the songs everyone should sing this week. But Sa called and told me what Kellie sang, and I couldn't be happier. This is going to be fantastic.

LOL, Ryan says that it was bad luck for the ladies last week, because Ace left. Frank and I both thought, one of the ladies went home.

Anyway, tonight it's love songs with Andrea Bocelli. And David Foster (who's produced Celine Dion a million times and written a million of her songs if I recall correctly) worked with him on this latest album, so he's there helping out. And Foster's like, "Are these the finalists?" when they vocalize. And showing Foster doing the critiques, I want him on every single week to critique and coach and yell.

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Rating: 2.1/5 (9 votes cast)

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24 Day 5 - 1:00 a.m.
Posted by sarahk at 11:12 AM

Previously on 24, Daddy the Pit Bull SecDef got involved to try to help but ended up messing everything up by betraying Jack and trying to get things done his way, in order to save the government. He asked for President Estrogen's resignation, but when Robocop got the recording from Jack, Estro instead asked for Daddy's resignation. Chloe got arrested for helping Audrey and Jack when Miles the Weasel and the Unstable Sexual Harassment Girl teamed up. But Chloe escaped and threatened to recommend Unstable Girl for psych evaluation and told Unstable that Estro's behind everything. Chloe went to Bill's house. SarahK still wanted to know: Where's Rico Suave? Aaron and Marty went to meet behind the stables at the presidential retreat, but all that showed up of Aaron was his cell phone. Robocop cut Audrey's arm and made her bleed all over her pretty white jacket. He should be executed for ruining that jacket. Jack gave up the recording to save Audrey, because he's an idiot who loves needy women.

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Rating: 2.1/5 (8 votes cast)

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April 24, 2006
Expect no 24 blogging tonight
Posted by sarahk at 09:37 PM

Computer just turned itself off at the first commercial break. I was just about to hit publish. So I'll do the rest of the show tonight but won't be able to go back and do the beginning until morning. Darnit, I was funny, too. Really funny. I hope I remember all my jokes. If the first 15 minutes aren't funny, it's because the computer killed my entry.

Rating: 2.5/5 (15 votes cast)

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April 19, 2006
American Idol 5 top 7 elimination
Posted by sarahk at 09:53 PM

So here we cut it down to 6. My hope, of course, is that Kellie leaves, but I have no hope for that. I love the replay of Kellie saying "I butchered it!" It warms my heart.

Ford commercial... "Kids in America." Funny, Kellie looks like Carrie in her billboard. It must be the shades. I like Chris smashing the guitar, but other than that, it's... a Ford commercial. That reminds me, we were working tonight so we couldn't watch ALIAS. I fully intend to snark it in the morning. Irina and Vaughn are returning, so I'm all in.

Rod Stewart comes out to the tune of "Do Ya Think I'm Sexy". Yay! Anyway, he's going to do something '70s rockish next.

Rod sings "The Way You Look Tonight". It's great, but the microphone stand swing is a little out of place in this one, no?

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Rating: 2.5/5 (10 votes cast)

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April 18, 2006
American Idol 5 top 7
Posted by sarahk at 08:47 PM

I'm not excited about tonight's show. I love Rod Stewart (yes, I think you're sexy), but this lot is the most disappointing lot of contestants we've had. Plus, it's standards under the guidance of Rod Stewart (standards are my favorite kind of songs, but no one does them well on American Idol), not Rod Stewart songs. Seriously, I'm more excited about separating my handful of Nerds candies by color before I eat them than I am about this top 7. Blah.

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Rating: 3.1/5 (7 votes cast)

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April 17, 2006
24 Day 5 - 12:00 a.m.
Posted by sarahk at 09:47 PM

Before 24 tonight, there's a preview for Jack Bauer: The Movie. Kim Basinger plays Audrey. I might see it anyway.

Hey, Prison Break has the guy from Fargo and the un-pimped ride Volkswagen commercials. I LOVE those commercials. Especially the "We just dropped it like it's hot" one.

Previously on 24, Jack went to the bank and got the bank manager killed, Estro blamed Robocop for complicating everything by killing Palmer. Aaron warned Jack that Estro put out a pres. order for Jack's arrest, Mr. F and SexHarassman followed Audrey, who outsmarted them and called her daddy. Jack and Wayne got the tape of Estro and Robo talking about killing Palmer before. Evelyn? Well, we assume she's dead. Who knows about her daughter, but I'll bet she gets attacked by cougars.

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Rating: 2.1/5 (8 votes cast)

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April 12, 2006
American Idol 5 top 8 elimination
Posted by sarahk at 09:08 PM

Ryan thinks it's a good thing that tonight's show is an hour. Simon says America appreciates a bit of honesty. Yeah, about you and Kellie... forget it, I'm too tired. Anyway, the theme of Ryan's comments this year seems to be that Simon is grumpy and never says anything good. Maybe he's as disappointed in what this top 12 has turned out to be as I am? This is my 3rd full season, and I watched the last several weeks of season 2. This is definitely the worst top group I've seen. They're one of the most talented top groups, but they've been the messiest, the most erratic, the most boring, the most disappointing. Probably because they could have been the best, but it's just been one big suck with a few ok moments.

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Rating: 2.5/5 (10 votes cast)

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April 11, 2006
American Idol 5 Top 8
Posted by sarahk at 08:59 PM

Um... Is that a sweater vest under Ryan's suit? Ryan says they're so excited to have a Queen night on the show. I'll bet you are, Ryan.

Poor Mandisa. I wish she were here. You people who didn't vote for her suck. Wait, I didn't ever get through, so I guess I suck too.

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Rating: 2.9/5 (8 votes cast)

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i just peed my pants!
Posted by sarahk at 04:32 PM

ok, even if y'all don't watch American Idol.

please.

do me a favor and watch tonight. it's going to be the best show ever!

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Rating: 2.7/5 (9 votes cast)

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April 10, 2006
24 Day 5 - 11:00 p.m.
Posted by sarahk at 09:17 PM

Graphic violence - yay, another main character will die this week. FRANK: Sweetie, they've said the graphic violence warning every week this season. SARAHK: Yeah, and a main character has died almost as often.

Previously on 24: Mr. F took over CTU, SexHarassman acted like an insecure worm, Audrey had to explain herself to Chloe, Wayne questioned Evelyn, Evelyn used the Kidnapped-Daughter Card (that's such a cliche among aides to first ladies), Robocop and Jack and Wayne had a big shootout, and Evelyn was shot in the leg. No Rico Suave after the first 5 minutes. And President Estro is bossing Robocop around.

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Rating: 2.9/5 (8 votes cast)

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April 04, 2006
American Idol 5 Top 9
Posted by sarahk at 11:41 PM

Kenny Rogers! Yay! Wow, he looks fantastic. Actually, not so much like Kenny, but I know that's Kenny, because it's his voice. Lots of plastic surgery? Anyway, who cares, it's Kenny, and I don't care if he gets Dolly's boobs put on his body, as long as he can still sing.

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Rating: 2.2/5 (13 votes cast)

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April 03, 2006
24 Day 5 - 10:00 p.m.
Posted by sarahk at 10:52 PM

Previously on 24, there was a shootout, and Aaron grabbed Wayne and took him away. Jack interrogated Audrey until she asked about their relationship, and then he just freaking gave up, because he couldn't stand to talk to her. But later they played kissy-face, and I yelled at the TV. Man-Girl told Jack where the nerve gas was going. Jack said it had to be incinerated. Chloe yelled at Jack to get out of there, man. Oh no! Is Jack dead? No, Keifer's still in the opening credits, so I'm going with not dead yet.

BTW, last week, one of my commenters made a good point: If all it takes is incinerate the virus, then who cares if it goes out to people's houses? They're going to use the gas by incinerating it anyway... so big deal.

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Rating: 2.9/5 (7 votes cast)

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March 29, 2006
American Idol 5 top 10 results
Posted by sarahk at 10:06 PM

Ryan is totally wearing a preacher tie tonight.

"It's one big happy family," says Lisa Tucker. Yeeeeeeeah. We believe you. And we believe that Paula doesn't have a substance abuse problem (allegedly).

The Ford commercial was stupid with a capital Kellie.

Aw man. Kellie's sitting with all the safe people. Darnit.

Ha! I'm so funny. Frank just read one of the posters from the audience. "Ace makes me flush." My response: "...the toilet."

The sound is horrible for Shakira and Wyclef Jean. Well, at least you know they're performing live and not lip synching. I feel bad for Shakira, though. Looks like Sydney attacked her hair in the middle of the night, and she couldn't find a comb. She has a nice belly. And once you get past the hair, she's really beautiful.

Ugh. Taylor, Paris, Kellie, Mandisa, Chris are all safe. I'm happy with all but Kellie. Well, not so crazy about Paris hanging around, but we all know she's not leaving this week anyway.

Elliott is safe. Lisa is in the bottom 3. Ace is in the bottom 3. Between Katharine and Bucky, I'm betting Katharine is in the bottom 3 just for shocker's sake (and based on the outfit she wore last night. I really do hope she gets a new stylist.). Wow, how does poor Bucky feel with the whole crowd erupting in a chorus of boos when Katharine was called over.

So. Ace is safe. Lisa and Katharine are both gritting their teeth. Katharine is mortified. Kellie looks really happy. Did you catch Ryan saying, "Paula, what do you think about these two being the bottom two, especially Katharine?" That was incredibly rude to Lisa. I mean, I'd say stuff like that on a blog or behind her back, but to her face? That's just tacky. Shame on Ryan.

And so it goes that Lisa is gone. No big surprise there, she knew she was leaving. She even wore her performin' clothes. Oh, and look while Lisa sings, they're zooming in on Kellie, who is paying more attention to herself singing along than to Lisa's swan song. And when they all go over for the big happy group hug and fake cry, Kellie's still focusing on herself singing.

Ha, next week is country. I predict that Simon will say something retarded (because, yes, I'm losing my faith in him this season, and he has a bad memory). He'll say, "Bucky, I'm getting a bit ti-yad of you nevah bronching out and singing anythin othah than country. You're stahting to bore me, if I'm being ohnest." And to Chris, he'll say, "Chris, what I've liked about you throughout this competition is that you ahh a rockah, you always sing rock, and you nevah compromise. And now you've come out here with this very... put on country song, and I hahv to say, I'm a bit disappointed with the ahct. It was olmost appohling, really."

Rating: 3.3/5 (8 votes cast)

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March 28, 2006
American Idol 5 Top Ten
Posted by sarahk at 10:22 PM

Yay! House M.D. is back tonight! If only I didn't have to wait through American Idol. Actually, we'll probably watch it tomorrow. God bless the DVR.

Oh, I'd just like to thank the Earsore for all the traffic her skanky prom dress has gotten me over at mm today. And no thanks to Vote For the Worst. I thought their voting for the worst was comical, but now they're backing the Earsore, and really, do we want her to stick around so she can make me want to pour acid in my ears every time I hear her? So boo on you VFTW peeps. Yer killing me.

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Rating: 2.4/5 (11 votes cast)

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March 27, 2006
24 Day 5 9:00 p.m.
Posted by sarahk at 10:12 PM

Great. There's the graphic violence warning. That just means someone else we like is gonna die.

Previously on 24, Tony's supposedly "dead" (yeah, right, where was the fan-fare). DHS is taking over CTU, President Estro is totally doing martial law based on the Veep's "advice". Half-Neckid Man-Girl gave up Audrey as her contact. Booty Call told Jack about Man-Girl. Wayne Palmer was attacked by terrorists on his way to see Aaron with vital information.

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Rating: 2.9/5 (12 votes cast)

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March 23, 2006
Pickin' on Pickler
Posted by sarahk at 05:02 PM

So. I'm getting some sort of reputation for hatin' on Kellie Pickler. Pee-shaw, y'all must be gettin' me confused with someone else!!

I am the number one through four hits for Kellie Pickler hate club (go me!), 7 and 10 for Kellie Pickler tone deaf (suh-WEET!), and 1 through 3 for Kellie Pickler earsore (ahhhh yeeeeaaahhhh).

Last night, when Mr. F made her "What's a ballsy?" remark and let America in on the joke that she's an over-the-top-cartoon fake (Frank just kept saying, "She did not just say that" even though I replayed it for him 3 times), red said her immediate reaction was to wonder what my response would be.

And over at Hugh Hewitt, Mary Katharine says that I really, really don't like Kellie Pickler. As if!

I'm just misunderstood. Really I am.

Ok, maybe not. "She's a pale-faced mealy-mouthed ninny and I hate her!"

Rating: 2.6/5 (12 votes cast)

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March 21, 2006
American Idol 5 Top 11 (DVR-delayed liveblog)
Posted by sarahk at 08:51 PM

Ryan's dressed up like he's going somewhere important, but Ryan, you're just gonna hear the Earsore sing, so big whoop.

Do I have to stress YET AGAIN that I don't like Kellie Pickler because she's a fake moron and CAN'T SING. Yes, I agree, she's hot. Big deal, so is Carrie Underwood, and I love her.

Oh wow, Taylor is wearing the suit that his dad wore to the prom many moons ago. Oh, the songs are from the '50s, that would explain it.

Simon thinks Taylor, Chris, and Kellie are going to be the top 3. That's what I read he said this weekend anyway. Lemme tell you, picking Kellie over Mandisa or Lisa or Katharine? Simon's finally had enough of Paula and stoled her vodka.

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Rating: 2.4/5 (8 votes cast)

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March 20, 2006
24 Day 5 - 8:00 p.m.
Posted by sarahk at 10:55 PM

Previously on 24, I swore I'd be through with the show if Tony's dead for real. Mikey died saving the Goondocks. President Logan was a wuss. DHS decided to take over CTU and fire everyone, which will happen in this episode or something. I don't care anymore.

Tonight, graphic violence. Unfortunately, this season, that tends to mean that one of our favorite characters gets offed very unceremoniously. So boo to graphic violence. I no longer heart the graphic violence warning.

So. 8 p.m. Tony's dead for real. I'm sooo done with this show. Done for good.

Not going to watch it.

Nor blog it.

Can't. Stop. Bad. Addiction. Hate. Surnow. Angry. SarahK. Must. Stop...

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Rating: 2.3/5 (10 votes cast)

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March 15, 2006
I Can't Help It - AI Top 12 results show
Posted by sarahk at 09:41 PM

Wow, so down between Ace (who sucked last night) and Kevin (who sucks always), Ace is in the bottom 3, and Kevin is safe. So there IS hope for Kellie to go home. Of course, Ace and Kevin should both be in the bottom 3.

Let me just note: All you people saying that I don't like Kellie because Frank might think she's hot -- first of all, he (obviously) likes more cushion on his women. Second of all, he is laughing his pinkytoe off right along with me and makes fun of her almost as much as I, and he also grimaced just now when they said that fake idiot was safe.

So between Elliott and Melissa, not a big shock that Melissa's in the bottom three.

More surprising to a lot of people but really not that surprising to me is that between Lisa and Bucky, Lisa's in the bottom 3. I expected Kellie (after that wretched excuse for singing she put on last night), Bucky, and Melissa to be in the bottom 3. This is a pretty good bottom 3, though.

And Melissa is going home. Not a big shock. I guess I didn't pray hard enough. Everyone pray for Kellie!

Rating: 1.9/5 (10 votes cast)

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March 14, 2006
American Idol 5 top 12
Posted by sarahk at 09:37 PM

So here it is. Boys v. girls. Bigger stage. Bigger band. Bigger beating.

Oh, and of course we get to start off with the horrible montage of all the top 12 making it and doing the *oh! tear!* bull. And here are the contestants, who all now have personal stylists. For the most part, they look better. Chris is the only one fairly unchanged, because he already had the style and class.

No, Ryan, I did not pick out this top 12. Namely, Kellie Pickler. More on that earsore later.

And after the introduction of the judges, I am reminded that tonight's horrible theme is Stevie Wonder night. Let's make something very clear: I heart heart heart Stevie Wonder. He's brilliant. But any time a contestant does Stevie on this show, they either butcher the song, or try to mellow it out. MELLOW OUT STEVIE WONDER! And I'm not sure there's ever been a contestant who sang Stevie and didn't get the "song choice" critique. So I don't want to hear word one about song choice from Randy, who's not gonna be feelin' it, Dawg, or from Paula, who just has no ability to criticize a performance, so usually cops out with saying "You know, I love you, you're so great, but it just wasn't the right song for you. I'm sorry." in a quiet voice.

Oh, and look! Stevie surprised the contestants by showing up while they were at the piano to say hi. And Earsore had the glycerin and onions handy for the spectacle tears! She must be a boyscout. Always prepared.

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Rating: 2.0/5 (11 votes cast)

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March 13, 2006
24 Day 5 -- 7 p.m.
Posted by sarahk at 09:48 PM

Ok, so if it's Chloe that gives "the ultimate sacrifice" tonight, I'm done with this show. FOREVER! You hear that, Joel Surnow?? Done!

Yay! Graphic violence! BTW, I don't think there's an ep this season that hasn't had the graphic violence warning.

Previously on 24, Kim was all about her, the Veep said something, and Bill talked to Tony about Robocop. Jack tried to question Robocop. Lynn's keycard was used to gain access, and CTU had (nerve) gas. Edgar died. SarahK hated TPTB.

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Rating: 2.8/5 (7 votes cast)

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March 09, 2006
American Idol cut to 12 (DVR-delayed liveblog)
Posted by sarahk at 08:23 PM

I wanna hear about your suntan. And your spinach salad.

Ryan felt the need to tell us that there's drama and anything can happen.

Say, those dozen empty seats that the contestants are hoping for look incredibly uncomfy.

EEEE! Bo Bice is out to perform! We didn't even know his album was out until a couple of weeks ago. We need to get that. Is it any good? I'm sure it is, it's Bo. He had a baby, and from the looks of that left hand, he got hitched! Hooray! I'm surprised, I'm actually not liking this song, it's too pop for Bo. He's a rocker! He's still great, works the stage... Ok, lemme ask, what kind of loser sees someone's house on TV and then decides to track him down and camp out for pictures and such? They had to move. That sucks. Of course, I'm sure they got a nicer, bigger house, so that's good. But what jerks those people were to hunt him down. Shame shame shame.

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Rating: 2.8/5 (9 votes cast)

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March 08, 2006
American Idol 5 top 8 guys
Posted by sarahk at 08:55 PM

Ryan's name is still Ryan Seacrest. And I wanna hear about your suntan. The guys are all fired up, and Taylor is wooing.

Paula has started the seal clapping early. This is the forward seal clapping, not the upward seal clapping. And Simon is looking good. I just hope he's not sharing Paula's drink tonight. But I don't think he has a mad crush on any of the boys (maybe Ace, he's pretty).

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Rating: 3.3/5 (7 votes cast)

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March 07, 2006
American Idol top 8 girls
Posted by sarahk at 10:48 PM

We're back. Kellie Pickler's back. I wanna hear about your suntan and your calamari.

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Rating: 2.8/5 (13 votes cast)

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March 06, 2006
24 Day 5 - 5 p.m. and 6 p.m. (liveblog, DVR-delayed)
Posted by sarahk at 09:16 PM

Graphic violence is so wonderful! Let us praise the graphic violence warning! We're gonna be really disappointed one day if there's not graphic violence.

Previously on 24, Jack got stoopid and tricked by Robocop, Audrey made me almost like her, and Lynn went cuckoo for cocoa puffs, so Curtis jacked his position. Mr. Logan didn't save his wife, but CTU and Aaron did (3 terrorists, 3 bullets, 3 kills). The terrorist threatened President Estrogen.

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Rating: 3.4/5 (8 votes cast)

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March 02, 2006
American Idol 5 top 20 elimination night
Posted by sarahk at 09:43 PM

I wanna hear about your drunken suntan.

pauladrunk.jpg

image by the evil and fake sarahk

Yay! More people are going home tonight! And Carrie Underwood will be performing; I love her whole CD, so I'm looking forward to this.

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Rating: 3.4/5 (4 votes cast)

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March 01, 2006
American Idol 5 top 10 guys
Posted by Frank J. at 11:45 PM

NOTE: This, if you couldn't tell, was posted by SarahK. Until we get her laptop fixed, we share computers and this sometimes happens.

VOTE FOR TAYLOR. THE END.

Ok, fine, if you insist. Let's consult the manual, boys: No Stevie Wonder, no Jackson 5, no boring songs. If you disobey my commands, I shall smite you with the non-vote. Wooooo. Scary, I know. Where's my knife for stabbing my eardrums, because Ryan just said those two words, "Marvin Gaye". Listen, I'm all about Sexual Healing (it's good for the soul and was my favorite song when I was 5), but come on. Not for American Idol. Capice?

Taylor's going first, and Chris last. So I've figured out the format. Bookend the rest with the best so people tune in for the beginning and the end. Not a bad strategy, except that some folks will simply switch over to LOST at 9:00, because Taylor's already done.

And look! There's Kellie Pickler in the Dawg Pound, Paula's Poodle Kennel, or Simon's Staffordshire Spot, whichever you prefer. I wonder if she's ever seen a staaaage beefore!!
It's so cute when Simon and Ryan pick at each other. I'm hoping that tonight isn't the ghastly horrible nightmare that last night was. Ryan, don't forget about hotel lobby karaoke. ;-) I heart Simon.

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