Hey Paula. Starring Pauler Abdul. It's about her life. And includes her dogs. She has five Chihuahuas! Tulip, of course, and also one named Chomps! This is too good to be true. June 28th. We will be tuning in, peeps. For you. We do it for you. Join us. We will be blogging it, baby.

03 LaKisha's first song is "Stayin' Alive." Ok, see, old LaKisha is back right from the beginning of her first clip, you know... where she acts like she realizes that the legends who have actually made it in showbiz and know how to get to where she wants to go are smart, and then she disses them onstage by ignoring the advice they give? Because She's KIKI! DREAMGIRL EXTRAORDINAIRE...Y. LaKisha pretends that she's listening to what Barry says in his critique. She's singing the whole song low, doesn't even go up on "staying aliiiiii-hiiii-hiiii-hiiive," she's keeping it down in this stupid I'm-doing-my-own-Kiki-thang register because she's decided that it's break-out-the-boobies-and-phone-in-the-song week again. And when we were watching last night, and she started acting like, oh yeah, these are great things he's saying to me! He's BARRY GIBB! You know, like any normal person would think. I just knew that old predictable phoner Kiki was just playing nice with the legend so she could juxtapose that with her in-your-face-I-don't-need-your-advice performance onstage. Ok, I know I'm repeating myself, but my shoulders hurt, and I don't want to go back and edit. Deal! Anyway, Barry likes the slower version she's doing (I hate it, it's a fast song). Alright, so on with the show. The first song, LaKisha actually has the chesties hugged in tight in a real blouse! I didn't see that last night, I only actually saw the second song, because after her fake niceness with Barry, I walked in the other room and listened and cringed while I painted. Hideous, the performance. She looks good in this outing. The arrangement is a mess, because LaKisha learned it at the Ruben Studdard House of Lazy. She's pitchier than Kellie Pickler on standards night. Dang, I wish I'd thought of this last year. Cadet came up with Bewitched, Butchered, and Bewildered. I should have come up with Bepitched, Bothered, and Bewildered, which is almost as good. I'm a year late on that joke. Clam chowdah! (Frank never ever gets the clam chowder reference when I say it, just looks at me blankly, please please, somebody remember that one for me.) And she's just butchering everything. Laying out in parts, not singing for most of the song, letting the backup singers do all the work... Whatever. Enough about Kiki, I hated it, it sucked, what more about it can I say? Next, please. Oh yes, the judges. RANDY: It's good you guys got two songs tonight. I know you were trying to make it your own, but it wasn't working. All the stopping and starting with the melody. Baby, I don't know. You tried to do too much with it, there was too much going on. PAULA: It's always good to gauge the audience, and everyone is on their feet. SIMON: They're heading for the exits. SARAHK: Yay! PAULA: They're not heading for the exits, Simon! But taking the tempo down brought everyone on their feet wanting to dance kinda brought the mood down and yah, so what. SARAHK: I don't think she liked it, but why, Pauler? Why can't you say it? Just say it. At least tell her she's pretty. SIMON: Well, no kiss tonight. You're back to the shouting again. It was bordering on scary in parts. Not great tonight so far. RYAN: Clearly, Simon not the kind that calls back after a first date to see how you're doing. SARAHK: Well if she puts out on the first date, there's no point, is there?

I said it out loud, didn't I?

Oh yes, about the pandering. LaKisha is the Hillary of this American Idol season. Who do you want your Kiki to be? She'll be it for you. Unless you are SarahK, of course. You want Chesty McKnockersville? She's your gal. You want someone to pretend she thinks you're the smartest musical legend ever ever? She's on it. Kiki will even cover the cleavage and talk about growing up in church when she's on the bubble and needs to grab some religious voters. Single moms? LaKiki is just like you. In fact, she is Fantasia 2.0, or so she believes.

She don't feel no ways tired. She's come too far from where she's started from. Nobody told her that the road would be easy.

Coming back from the break, Ryan says he spit on Jordin. Okie doke. First time he's exchanged spittle with a girl. Congratulations, Jordin! What has Jordin learned about herself? Blah blah blah. And she's doing school, too, and her grades are good. As and Bs.

04 Jordin's first number will be "To Love Somebody." Barry says over 200 people have done this song (hello, royalties), and he likes Jordin's version the best. That's high praise from a Bee Gee. Jordin looks cute. Nice hair. It's flat-ironed with long juice-can curls at the ends, very pretty (not that I don't adore her normal tight curls). Jeans, long top that I wish covered her above the chest better. Jordin went to the Melinda Doolittle School of Humility (thank you The Soup) and has officially taken over the I-can't-believe-they're-cheering-for-me gig on the show. It's cuter on her, though, because that crazy smile just makes you almost forget she's doing it. Oh yeah, about the singing. It was good, I'll give her very good, not great. Best of the night so far. She almost got screechy in a spot or two, and the goat vibrato came out once, so I was worried, but then she got over the nerves and handled the rest of it much better. RANDY: That's probably the best vocal so far, Aretha, Mariah, ya-ya. Jordin, so far, you're winnin', baby. PAULA: Not probably, Jordin. Definitely the best vocal so far. SIMON: Best song choice, best vocal so far, we're back in the competition. SARAHK: Also best brevity by the judges. And I agree with Simon and Pauler. Randy took too long to get to where he was going.

01 Melinda is up again and has Inane Viewer Email. What is the first tape or CD she ever bought? Tape, because she's a little older. Yeah, I had vinyl LPs, so shut yer pie hole, Doolittle. And mine, I do believe, was Madonna's eponymous album. Do I sound smart when I use that word? No, I didn't think so. Or was it Cyndi Lauper's She's So Unusual? I can't remember, which means I'm getting old. Melinda's was Michael Jackson's Bad, which her mom crossed out and put "Good." I think Mrs. Doolittle might have been wrong about Mr. Jackson (allegedly). Melinda stammers over why she's shy about her answer (she doesn't just come out and say, "because I grew up religious, and I'm religious, and Michael Jackson isn't exactly the role model religious parents want their children looking up to." She uhhs and wells and... Poor girl. I'da said, "Michael Jackson is creepy, and I didn't know he would grow up and (allegedly) have other people's children come sleep in his bed at his amusement park house! And I love Jesus, and if y'all don't like it, you can just GO TO HEAVEN!" Then people would call me an extremist and possibly a hatemonger.)

So. Melinda is singing "How Can You Mend a Broken Heart," and Barry's like, why are you not singing the part about "how can a loser ever win?" and Melinda's like, "I'm not gonna sing about being a loser on American Idol." Ohhhhh, Melinda, I ADORE you. You get my vote, just for giving me the shout out tonight, girly girl! I love it when they just come out and say, "I read SarahK's writeups, and she says don't sing stuff about going home." Barry agrees she can leave out the lyric about being a loser. Second time out, she looks great and classy again. New dress, prettier hair even. I have to ask, because I don't know... the "la la la la la" part... is that in the song, or did she cover forgetting the words? I'm guessing it's in the song. She would not forget the words. She's too Melinda for that. The first half is a little low-key, but then she gets into it near the end, and she's great. She can do the big notes like Jordin, too. See, if she'll pull out more of those, plus do all that other rockin' stuff she does, all in one song so that she makes a super-exciting song? Finals for the Doolittle. She needs a nickname. RANDY: Yo yo, resident pro, much better this time, look SarahK can rhyme. PAULA: No doubting, beautiful vocal. Throwback to Stephanie Mills. But throw away your technique and surprise us. I keep waiting for you to jump out. RANDY: Yeah yeah. SARAHK: Yeah yeah. SIMON: You don't understand a word of that, do you? SARAHK: Oh, look at the freeze-frame on the DVR. She has the funniest face on right now. SIMON: I think the 2nd half of that song has put you into the semifinals. SARAHK: I surely hope so.

02 Comrade Blahhhhk Vissarionovich Lewis (google it and find out who was born with that middle name, because I worked for it, peeps) has picked for a second song "This is Where I Came In," because it's an obscure song, and it won't be compared to the original by many people. Blahhhhk with the skunk hairdo said so himself. Barry is like, "What? That's crazy, you're stupid for picking that one." Barry says, "We thought that song could be a hit. We were wrong. But maybe Blake can put a contemporary beat to it and make a hit out of it." Considering that he's not butchering one of the bestest disco classics of all-time here, I actually like this one better than the first. It's boring, but it's not offensive.

OH! BY THE WAY! I totally forgot to make note of the fact that LaKisha didn't even hint at the Saturday Night Fever dance during "Stayin' Alive." I wouldn't have wanted to see that, but it goes with the song, and come on. I would have wanted to see it. I ain't a liar.

Anyway, back to Vasiliy. RANDY: I do think this was definitely better than the last one. Remember, you ain't gotta beatbox on every joint, man. SARAHK: Just like you ain't gotta say joint on every joint, man. RANDY: I mean, we know you can do it, and I liked that little reggae spin you put on it, but I don't know man. PAULA: But if he can, he can. RANDY: I know, but it gets old. SARAHK: Check out the freeze-frame on Pauler's face right now. (Simon laughs at Pauler -- he must have the freeze-frame too. Yay Tivo, right, Simon?) PAULA: Blake, I don't know that song, but you, do you like M&Ms? I do sometimes. Dipped in vodka and stuff. And it was spot-on-key. SARAHK: Spot-on-key? Pauler, you're mixing your spot-on and your on-key. I don't think you're supposed to do that, like I don't think you're supposed to mix certain alcohols, not supposed to mix the words "black" and "licorice," and not supposed to mix the words "Pace" and "picante." SIMON: I don't know why you chose that song, I found it completely tuneless, I don't think you've had a good night tonight. You have a lot of young support, which is good. It was a really weird, bizarre song choice. RYAN: Did you think he would get that, going into it? COMRADE: I didn't think so. SARAHK: Without the young *cough* dumb *cough* support, you're toast. And Kiki shows the udders after the break, so you'd better hope VFTW has picked you for their champion (we forgot to look this week and don't want to spoil the results show for ourselves).

Oh yeah. We haven't gone and checked out the finalists for the songwriting competition yet. I'll get back to you on that, because we totally don't want a stinker for the first single this year.

Judge Judy in the audience, yes, I was right. Yay me.

03 LaKisha's second song is "Run to Me," and Barry gives her some advice that she probably won't take. Barry says she has two key changes. She says, "Ok, yeah, you're so smart! Of course I'll take your advice!" Flotsam and Jetsam are back on display in her black and green cleavage dress. Oh, however many snaps in a Z formation (was it 3 or 4?), I just got a wicked migraine in my left eye. They cut the video weird, so it's hard to tell what advice he gave her exactly, so I don't know if she followed it. The singing is better on her second outing until the end when she is completely cracky and offkey on the next-to-last note (I remember yelping at that one last night). I put her squarely at the bottom tonight. I actually think she'll go home. That's my prediction. RANDY: I know you got a little hoarse at the end, but it was much better than the first joint that you did tonight. SARAHK: Ahem. See above re: joint. RANDY: But that was good, that was good. PAULA: Don't worry about that note at all. You're still a champ. SARAHK: She was a champ? SIMON: It still wasn't great, and I think you and Blake are vulnerable tonight. SARAHK: I agree. If she doesn't go home, Blahhhhhk will.

04 Jordin's second JOINT is "A Woman in Love," and Barry tells her she has a choice with every high note whether to go intense or stay gentle. In other words, she has control, dawg. And he highly compliments her and says that he thinks she will be one of our great female recording artists. I'm gonna go out on a limb and say she could win it all this year. If she works on that screechy thing and the goat vibrato thing. And she only does that when she's nervous, it seems (my goat vibrato comes out when I'm nervous, I admit it). Or maybe when her voice is tired? This second song, not so great. It was still good, but she was better on the first song tonight. She looks pretty, and she was still the best tonight overall, but Melinda's second was better than Jordin's second. I give Jordin the win by a nose. The two of them were far ahead of the Comrade and Chesty No-Vesty. RANDY: Yo check it out. I don't think it was your best. It was pitchy. It's a tough song to sing, so let's give props to Barry Gibb. PAULA: Jordin, you're beautiful, and yeah, I can't think of anything nice to say other than that. Simon, please, take over. SARAHK: If only you had said it for reals. SIMON: I love the song. It was a bit old fashioned. It was very pageanty. But you're seventeen, Jordin. Aren't you? SARAHK: I think he's dismissing the pageanty thing there? I don't know. Anyway, yeah, your first JOINT was way better. But I love you, dawg.

Jordin*
Melinda*

Chesty
Comrade

Prediction: Comrade Blahk goes booooo-bye. UPDATE: Obviously that's not what I meant to write in this space, because above I wrote this big long predictive sentence about Chesty going booooo-bye. So. Prediction: Chesty goes booooo-bye.

Rascal Flatts, Annie Lennox, Il Divo, EW&F, Josh Groban (i think), Kelly Clarkson will be on the charity event this month.

BTW, Paula is not wearing a lace doilie on her bodice tonight. A change from the last few weeks. The collagen and lip-gloss factor is high, though.

You know... J-Lo is one of the better "mentors" they've had. She's involved and giving advice and correcting the children and everything. Who knows, by the end of the night I may be saying, "Can we have her on every night?" while also repeating for the 1,247th time, "Please let's never ever ever do Latin night again!"

03 Chris R is doing "Smooth", which is a total copout, if you ask me. Yeah sure, it's guitar by Santana, but he's doing it because of the Rob Thomas vocals. This song does not scream "Latin flair" to me. Whatever. Right away Jenny (we're old friends, because I've seen every one of her movies, including Monster-in-Law, and that's saying something, though truth be told, I did that for Michael Vartan and struggling against Hanoi Jane the whole way--it sucked, in case you're wondering)... Anyway, Jenny right away corrects his pronunciation of a word lest he embarrass himself in front of his voting base of Latina girls and they withhold their votes. Then she takes the song up a whole step for him. Hmm, see when he strains at the top edge, he can sound whiny, so I hope she's not sabotaging him on purpose. We'll see. Chris is onstage with the drummer and guitarist. Oh goodness. If she hadn't raised it, he wouldn't have been able to get most of the song out, because it was still way too low as is. The whole song, he sounded hoarse and like he was struggling. Frank wasn't looking when the song started, and when he looked up, he was surprised to see it wasn't Sanjaya. Ouch. That is so RUDE, Frank! He's got the Bobbing Microphone Disease yet again. I'm going to beat him over the head with a microphone one day if he doesn't permanently attach that thing to within an inch of his face. RARRR! I have to rewind after hearing the judges' vast praise. No, it was still pretty mediocre the second time. Not worthy of the confetti parade being thrown by the judges. RANDY: Really good job, very cool. PAULA: It was a hot, hot performance. What am I gonna say? It was sexy! SIMON: I'm not gonna say it was the best vocal I ever heard, but it was more contemporary than the first two. The first two were a bit hotel cabaret. I liked this better.

04 Hoo-Hah is singing "Turn the Beat Around". Blake came in during rehearsal to provide beatboxery so Haley could keep beat without the drummer. So no internal rhythm for that one. Oh wow. I was already having seizures before she started, and after that horrific performance of a song that should be boxed like a bad Cylon, I imagine things will only get worse in SarahK's Neuronland. Awful awful awful. Wow. Need I even describe the outfit? I'll just skip it. RANDY: Oh wow. Keepin' it real, being honest, dude? That was very karaoke for me. Could have been anywhere, any bar. PAULA: It's not a singer's song, but it's a fun song. You were having fun up there. SARAHK: I was not having fun, Pauler. SIMON: I think you have a very good tactic at the moment, Haley. Wear the least amount of clothes possible, because you can't compete in this competition as a singer. It was so rushed at the end. SARAHK: Let's rush her out this week, can we?

Only half-way done? Good grief. This is the part where I would curse if I were the cursing type.

WH Pennywise the Clown is singing "Maria Maria". I don't remember what advice J-Lo gave him. I was tuning out, because I don't enjoy him. Plus I was looking for a poster to link for you. I cannot believe I'm going to say this. Until the end when his voice cracked, that was actually one of his best performances, and maybe the best of the night. Because no one else is doing anything exciting. Did I mention it's Latin night? I hope Sanjaya does the Macarena. That would be so freaking awesome. Please, Sanjaya. Do the Macarena. Please. Pretty please. Oh please. RANDY: A'ight, so, I don't know if it was your best. Jennifer was right, I don't know if you connected with the passion, and you had some cracks at the end. It didn't all come together for me. What you think, Paula? PAULA: Other than the cracks at the end, I thought it was a really good vocal. SIMON: Phil, you're a nice guy. SARAHK: Come again? Did you miss when he skipped out on the birth of his baby to audition for American Idol? That excludes him from the Nice Guy Club. SIMON: Your voice cracked towards the end, there's nothing I can get particularly excited about. Sorry. PHIL: I'd just like to say my daughter just got a stuffed animal cow, and she calls it Simon Cowell. SARAHK: Don't bring up the daughter. It's a reminder that you weren't there for the birth, you idiot. That just knocked you down a couple of notches on the night. Stupid.

06 Jordin. Inane Viewer Email. If she were in charge of choosing next week's theme, what would it be? '80s music. Oooh! Me too, and Haley could sing "Like a Virgin"! It would be snarktastic. Let's do it. She's singing "The Rhythm is Gonna Get You", because the contestants apparently think that Gloria Estefan is the only Latin artist ever. J-Lo says she's doing it with a Michael Jackson flair. Oh yes, I can't wait for that. Gloria Estefan and Jacko tied up in one. Shoot me first, ok? I hated it. Because I can't stand Gloria Estefan music. Remember Gloria Estefan night? Hated it hated it hated it. Boring, Latin, and dumb. What's with all the contestants telling the fans "I love you!" when their telly numbers are being said tonight? Is that a new Nigel requirement? Ew. Stop it. RANDY: That was the YO Factor on BLAST! PAULA: I love that you don't care about anything except you. You're adorable. SIMON: I feel the same way I've felt all night. So-so. Too many ad-libs. No progression.

07 Blake is singing "I Need to Know" by J-Lo's hubby. J-Lo tells him to actually feel the song or something like that. He looks awful, like he just stepped off a Caribbean cruise with his 75 year-old wife. That hat was bought off a women's hat rack. The singing was the best so far, and since only Sanjaya is left, I'm gonna go with best of the night. The dancing was atrocious. RANDY: So check it. Best song choice of the night. Hot. PAULA: Very smart performance. Just captured who you are. Excellent. SIMON: Best choice of song of the night. Best performance so far. SARAHK: Agreed, but let's put it into perspective: it's Latin night, and Latin night is just reason #348 we should invade Mexico and Venezuela. *gasp* Did I type that? Bad SarahK. Oh well. Anyway, yes, you win the night. Woopee. Get a stylist.

08 Sanjaya is singing "Besame Mucho", a song which I hate with almost as much passion as I hate las cucarachas. Are we still on Latin night? Ugh, if I close my eyes, it's not awful. Excuse me, Sanjaya? You got something on your face. Right there above your lip and under your otherlip. Here, I have a napkin if you'd like it. No, really, don't borrow it, you can just keep it. No need to return it. Anyway, eyes closed, it's not terrible, almost good even. Maybe he should try ballads sitting down and never move not a tic on the stage. Because when he moves, he loses his breath quickly and I fear he's going to pass out immediately. Oh no, SarahK, don't type it. Don't. NO! I must. He was one of the better ones tonight, if I ignore the Fudgesicle on his face and the horrible song. Welcome to the universe of Sanjaya, SarahK. RANDY: You're one of the smartest contestants I've ever met. That was really good! It was! PAULA: Smooth. That was very nice. It was. Very nice. SIMON: Right. I couldn't understand a word of it. SARAHK: You mean the Spanish? SIMON: You sang like a fourteen year-old. SARAHK: And wore a mustache and goatee like a ten year-old. Holy crap, that Atomic Fireball is smoking hot. SIMON: And I'm gonna hate myself for this. It wasn't horrible. (Sanjaya's neckid-guitar-playing sister is so happy in the audience. Welcome, google hits.) RYAN: Do you realize how painful that was for him to say? SANJAYA: I'm sure it was horrifying for him. RYAN: And Simon, he's completely unaware of the cameras. (Ryan impersonates the Sanjaya camera-*ahem*-hump.)

Latin Snoozefest order:
07 Blake, the clear winner*, even though Latin night total stunk worse than my colon, and I have celiac disease.
08 Sanjaya, and no, I can't believe it either. I'm going to hell for it. Straight to hell. Buy our t-shirt to keep me out of hell.
WH Phil even though his voice cracked. It kept me sort-of awake.
01 Melinda
03 Chris R
06 Jordin
02 LaKisha and her backfat
04 Haley and her Hoo-Hah

Bottom three prediction: Haley, Chris, Phil. Going home: finally Haley.

Turns out the missile was a whole bluff. What?? A weenie president played a nuclear bluff with a UMEC? What a moron. That could have bitten the entire country on the butt. IDIOT.

Jack tells Fayed he hasn't even begun to have fun with beating the snot (and blood) out of him. Jack tells Doilie it isn't working (in a remarkably LOUD whisper in Fayed's earshot) and takes a call from the needle torture guy while Doyle tries to manipulate bin Diesel. Well it just doesn't work! I say WATERBOARD HIM! That's right, and I'm not kidding. I guess you know where I stand on that. Ah yes, I'm all nice and relaxed today. I got a massage. Anyway, I don't much care for terrorists. Heartless beasts. Are they doing the good/bad cop thing with bin Diesel? BD's eyes get big when he hears that the needle torture guy is coming, and Jack tells him oh yeah, now we're gonna have some fun. Good, because I haven't had fun since you killed Curtis.

Too bad this isn't a videogame. Waynewreck could just smash through some barrels with his sword and get some more health to cure those shaky hands.

What? A prisoner transfer gone bad on 24? A shootout? Is this the one that's gonna make us like Nurse Doilie? Uh oh. Both Doyle and Jack are down. And bin Diesel is being taken away in an armored truck, which is much more secure than that van the prisoner was being transferred in. They didn't check to see that they were dead? No head shots? That's not a very good extraction.

Because it's not an extraction at all! It's a fakeout! Woo. I might have been faked out if they hadn't shot the show lead and the one they're reportedly bringing in to be the new show lead. And if they weren't transferring the most important prisoner with just two people and a van. Where have all the suburbans gone?

It is sad when the POTUS doesn't even know proper English. "Myself" does not take the place of the pronoun "me" unless you are the subject of the sentence and the object of the prepositional phrase, in which case you use "myself" as the object of the prepositional phrase. There may be other usages, but you may certainly not say such things as "You are on the phone with Tom Lennox and myself." That is not acceptable. Proper English is: "You are on the phone with Tom Lennox and me." Learn proper usage before you run for election, okay? You're a disgrace to the office and to the English language.

(NOTE: Before you start correcting my English in the comments or nitpicking me, know this: I am allowed to use improper English, because I know what is right and what is wrong. Like totally.)

Oh good. Now Milo gets to act like a complete jerk about Nadia (Yassir) instead of about Chloe. Because we didn't already have this plotline this season.

The conversation Habib had with bin Diesel... you think there were code words used in the convo to tip bin Diesel off that this was not a kosher phone call? I think so. Like "we should have sent Samir in your place" means "There was construction on the highway. Take the surface streets." Or whatever the phrase is. Forty-seven of you catch my drift.

I'm so smart. Turns out Nadia (Yassir) is smart too. Habib was telling bin Diesel that he was in a FLANK TWO POSITION! And bin Diesel now has a trash truck, and Jack's hanging from the bottom in a flank two position. They are taking the surface streets. Whatever you do, Jack, don't push on the back of that truck.

That show Drive looks like I might not enjoy it... but it has Nathan Fillion. Which negates the not-enjoyability factor.

Waynewreck... has he considered asking for VPOTT's resignation and appointing a new one just in case he kicks off soon? Not that VPOTT would resign even if asked, but... appoint anyone else that might end up president! Except Shrilly McMr F. That's who she reminds me of. A certain shrill presidential candidate.

What? Bin Diesel is going to take down downtown LA? I can't believe terrorists would consider attacking that city on this show.

Ouch, that guy is going to have such a neck-ache in the morning. I hope he has a good massage therapist.

Well that's one way to do it, just go in and start shooting people. I might consider liking Jack again after that shootout and the whole "Say hello to your brother" thing.

And the bombs are secure. And it's only 10 p.m. and it started at what? 7 a.m.? I just asked Frank what time it started so I know we still have several episodes to go and a whole new plot. I'm having warm fuzzies about Jack killing lots of terrorists, and I think I could like him someday.

But then Audrey calls to talk about their relationship and ruins the whole thing.

Next week, more relationship talks, and Mr. Chang, whom Jack hates passionately, and hahahahaha, Waynewreck takes my advice and asks for VPOTT's resignation, and VPOTT refuses -- who could write this show? Who? Me. And Jack FINALLY tells a Palmer, "You owe me." Duh.

03 Melinda is singing "I've Got Rhythm". TB says she's the best singer all day, and she says, "Oh! Thank you!" Wow, a loud audible thank you, I think she is officially over the surprise thing. I'm distracted by her outfit. Honestly. The pattern and cut are ok, but it's too tight, and I'm just so distracted by it. I think because she's been so modest the whole competition. Oh look, I just noticed an almost-flat note. She corrected it quickly, but I probably would have just called it a sliding note if her dress were a little less snug. I'm neurotic, I know, about the M word. Sue me. Anyway, the first half is what I think Simon would call a little indulgent (not much rhythm to it at all). Then she speeds up and actually gets rhythm after the sliding note, and the rest is hugely fantastic Melinda. RANDY: Yay yay yay! Every week you give a singing lesson to everyone! SARAHK: Sanjaya? Pull up a chair? PAULA: You got rhythm, CDs, concert halls... I got vodka! You give the songs a beginning, middle, and end. SIMON: Every song has a beginning, middle, and end. I didn't like the beginning of the song, it was a little cabaret. SARAHK: You mean indulgent, Simon. Indulgent. CROWD: Boooo! SIMON: Oh, shut up! SARAHK: Yeah, let the man talk! You already got to cheer! She knows how you felt about it! Sit down! SIMON: I liked the last half, it was fun, great. I don't think we're ever going to be able to criticize you. This is a problem. SARAHK: Yep. She could go home early if she never gets criticized. Latoya London shocker, something like that? Except that all but about three people totally suck vacuum cleaner dust this year, so really, the danger is small... Right? Right? RYAN: Simon, why is it a problem? SIMON: Well, we like to be mean to people now and then. SARAHK: It's good for ratings and snark. RYAN: You can't be mean just to be mean. SIMON: Yes I can. SARAHK: Ryan, meet Simon Cowell. BTW, Melinda, please don't distract me with your clothing next week.

She does seem to be coming out of her shell, no?

image by Cadet Happy

04 Chris Richardson, the only Chris left (sad face goes here) gets a dumb question from viewer email. How do you pick your song? He picks something he might be comfy with, then he tries to figure out if it will work on the show, blah blah blah blah. TB suggested that Chris memorize the lyrics to "Don't Get Around Much Anymore" before the show. Great advice, I'm sure he wouldn't have thought of that on his own. Is that all he gave him? Hey Chris, here's one for ya: make sure you pick a song to sing. I love his look tonight, he's wearing jeans, suspenders hanging off his jeans, NOT a white shirt (mwah, I love when you guys take my advice!), the shirt is dark, a charcoal vest, and a nice crooner hat. His look is perfect tonight. I'm diggin' it. Oh my goodness, his performance has been over for a couple of minutes (it takes a while to type up my thoughts), and I'm still grinning ear to ear. I absolutely LOVED this. My favorite part was the end when he stared into the camera. His eyes are killers, and he should utilize those gems more. I don't mean make love to the camera like Brandon Rogers or Ace Young or Constantine Maroulis. Oh dear Pete, no. But subtle glances, the occasional sparkle at the end of the performance... exactly what you do on the nights when I call your performances chest-clutchers? Do that. Ok, the vocal was spot-on tonight, too. One of his best of the season. I'm voting. RANDY: You came out with a vengeance, this was one of your best of the season, you interjected your own style into an old standard. PAULA: Gargle yay boo lah lay! Best ever! SIMON: Very good, I thought it was very believable. Made it kind of hip, you worked it out very well. One of the strongest tonight. SARAHK: Seriously. Don't go overboard and make love to the camera. I'm scared I said the wrong thing. Great job. UPDATE: I grinned the whole time you sang, I mentioned that, but I was also having visions of When Harry Met Sally in my head. I first heard this song in that movie. I think it's Harry Connick Jr. singing it in the movie, but I don't remember exactly. I heart HCJr.

05 Jordin is singing "On a Clear Day". Tony says it's very rare for kids to sing in tune these days like Jordin does, and he likes her improvisation. She looks great, very classy to match the genre. At the beginning, she sounds a little shaky to me. But then she picks up, and wow. Huge, loooooong notes at the end. Jordin has really brought it the last few weeks (with the exception of last week's Raggedy Ann bit), vocally. My criticism, and you know I have one, is that she's doing these sexy body moves, and it's almost like watching Cadet Happy's daughter do her America's Next Top Model runway moves when we tell her, "Pose, Solveig." Jordin is trying to let you know, "Hey, look, I'm singing this song, and don't forget, even though I can sing the heck out of these notes, I'm still sexy." Maybe because all the singing vixens today can't sing worth crap but prance around all sexy, so they sell records and get to make music videos? Is that what she's going for? Oh! I know. She knows Haley will be out to sell her body later, so she wants to make sure everyone knows about her sexiness too. Because otherwise, I can't figure it out. Well, I prefer vocal talent to crap like Kellie Pickler and Haley Scarnato, so cut the annoying prancing, will you? Especially when you're singing, "On a clear day"... sexy pose... "you can see forever"... shake my hips! Wait at least until you're singing, "I'm so hot for you"... sexy pose... "touch my body now"... shake my hips! RANDY: We got some heat up here, that was the bomb again! You're like a pro, and you're 17, and I'm like what? PAULA: Watch out, man. Jordin, you're really a magnet of joy! You're hip, you're cool. I'm just so frickin' proud of you, I just don't know what to say. Maybe if I have more vodka, it will come to me. Refill! SIMON: Well, I thought you sang it very well, but you didn't achieve what Chris did. It was very old fashioned. It was good, but I didn't like it as well as Squiddly and Diddly here. SARAHK: Don't try to be Haley. You can sing. Loved the vocals.

06 Gina. The Glock is singing "Smile". I didn't know Charlie Chaplin wrote this. I have a Nat King Cole version on my iPod. Tony Bennett thinks of it as a song of hope and thinks of 9/11 and the soldiers in Iraq when he hears it. The Glock's hair is a little poofy for my taste in the back, and her lipstick is very shiny. The vocal is very good, I hear no tuning problems, and it's lovely, really, but it's very understated and underwhelming. Her outfit is good, boots are good. But I'm underwhelmed. I wouldn't change the station if it came on the radio, though. RANDY: Understated performance from the rocker girl, I liked it! PAULA: Flawless. SIMON: I can't go crazy over the vocals, because two girls have already been out here tonight who outsang you. Sorry. (It breaks my heart when Simon gives The Glock bad comments, because she sooo wants his approval more than anyone's.) SARAHK: It really was just too understated. There was nothing else wrong with it, it's just that this is American Idol, and you have to put something bigger out there every week, or you'll get run over. I still heart you and will vote for you.

07 Sanjaya meets Tony Bennett. Ryan says two legends collide. Sanjaya is in a true lounge lizard suit, all white, I swear it's probably made of velour. His hair is slicked down and just past his chin. He's very greasy tonight, very car salesman-y. No offense intended to the car salesmen. Nor to Sanjaya, of course. I do this in love, to help the AI children. He's singing "Cheek to Cheek". Didn't he already sing this? TB thinks he's a great entertainer. *sigh* You know what? I actually think this didn't suck. I know, I'm losing my touch. Well, maybe this is his genre. He danced with Paula, and it actually fit in quite well. Maybe they rehearsed it. Anyway, this is one of his best yet. Still not great, but some of the notes were very good. Some of them very bad. But good for Sanjaya. Oh look! His dad is there! That's his first time ever? Or at least in a long time. RANDY: Yo, I can't even comment on your vocals anymore. SARAHK: You're so mean. RANDY: But you know what I like about you? You're an entertainer. PAULA: You're charming. You are an entertainer. I love vodka! Thanks for dancing! You give me more to drink? Yes? SIMON: Let's try a different tactic... Incredible! SANJAYA: Welcome to the universe of Sanjaya! SARAHK: He's owning it. Good on 'im.

Oh, I'm so shocked! Haley is wearing a hoo-hah dress! What??

08 Haley the Hoo-Hah Girl has a viewer question. Is she more nervous singing before the crowd or waiting for the judging? It's so nervewracking singing for the crowd, but I looooong for Simon's approval. No you don't. The Glock longs for his approval. You long for money and fame. Hoo-Hah Haley is singing "I Ain't Misbehaving". Tony tells her to sing it to only one person, not say "saving my love for you and you and you." Just one "you". She ignores his advice and lets everyone know that she has plenty of love for all the boys. She starts sitting in the hoo-hah dress so she can flash her prize to the front rows when she stands up. Oh, and she's showing every bit of her cleavage. Did I mention the cleavage amidst all the hoo-hah-iness? Ok, the song... she changes tempo about ten times and is basically nothing but sex with a microphone. It's a giant mess, and she's back to showing the armpits. She even throws in a Kat McPhee chest bump at the end. Hey, everyone. Haley is a female! RANDY: I thought this would be a good genre for you... I don't know, what did you think, Paula? SARAHK: Ouch. Randy has no words. PAULA: Did I mention that green is a good color for you? SARAHK: Green is also a good color for frogs. SIMON: That's rude. You should say what you think of the performance. PAULA: She wants to know what you think. SIMON: I think you've got great legs. RYAN: Be nice. SIMON: I agree with Randy, it was a good style of music for you. It was a bit pageanty. PAULA: You did your thang. SARAHK: Why. are. you. still. here?

09 LaKisha is singing "Stormy Weather". Tony tells her to leave off this extra little bit at the end that she wants to add. Oh, hello, LaKisha's breasts. Haven't seen you in a whole week! How've you been? I do like the color on her, it's a good dress if it had a top. She also ignored Tony Bennett. He's only been singing for fifty years and gained legend status, what does he know? She actually was just okay tonight. And drowned out by the horns in the band. I don't know if that's her fault or the band's, but I think she picked a song a little low for her range, and the low notes don't work as well for her. At least not tonight. It was just a'ight for me, dawg. RANDY: Perfect song for you. Pitchy in the front, but the middle and end were great. PAULA: This is the most gorgeous you've ever looked. SIMON: Back on form, LaKisha. That was a sassy, great performance. SARAHK: I should re-listen, because I wasn't feelin' it. Okay, I relistened. Still just a'ight. I think it's the vocal range. No offense, altos, but I don't enjoy low songs as much. Oh, and the end bit that Tony told her to leave out was so off-key.

The order tonight *s get votes:
04 Chris*****
01 Blake*
03 Melinda*
05 Jordin* (I can't get the hip jiggles and catwalking out of my head. It just didn't match up. Sorry. Plus, she was out of breath a lot.)
06 Gina*****
09 LaKisha
07 Sanjaya
WH Phil
Gluten
08 Haley

UPDATE: Just realized I forgot to predict. Hrm. Chris Sligh's votes go to... Gina or Melinda or maybe Blake. Not to Phil. Don't ask me why I think that. It's too complicated in my head. Bottom three... Phil, Haley, Sanjaya. Going home... Phil. I have no clue.

01 LaKisha is singing "Last Dance" by Donna Summer. Last night I said: Enough with the baby feeders. We get it. They're gigantic. Do you want us to give them their own zip code or something? Rah rah, you have big boobies. Yay for you. I do applaud that most of the rest of you was covered, and other than that, I liked the outfit. And this was your best performance in weeks. I'm starting to like you again. If you would just do something about your boobs. Today I say: It was a good performance, I like the kimono-dress thingy if you could cover those breasts. Seriously. You've not worn one stinking dress that covered those things. Ok, I'll stop going on about them this morning, but really. Enough. I like the boots, I like that you sang and didn't just phone it in like you know you're going to win or something, because you finally realized that there's this girl named Melinda Doomuch, and she is whipping your pinkytoe every week, owning you up and down the stage. She still did last night, but notsomuch as usual. Good job. RANDY: Yo yo, I want to start the night off by saying "joint", that was uptempo, true fly diva, that was hot. PAULA: Donna Summer isn't easy to do, and you did her proud. RANDY: Simon, do you like the boobs? The boots, I mean? SIMON: Love the boots. You're thirty years younger this week, putting your mark back on the competition, great vocal. SARAHK: Oh, and I like the hair too. And that's a good color combo for you. Black and red, you should stick with that. It takes a little attention away from... well. You know.

02 Chris Sligh. Last night I said: Sleeping pill. Please throw in at least one vocal backflip in the next performance. I'm giving up on you. I'm glad you got your humor back in the pre-talk, thank you, but what's with the boring vocals? You can't phone it in every week, or you won't last much longer. Today I say: Chris has to answer Inane Viewer Email of the Week. How much down time do you have during the week? What do you do with it? Crocheting, knitting, playing bongos in his boxer shorts. Yay, he jokes again! Ryan is uncomfortable now. No, you're gay! He's singing "Every Little Thing She Does is Magic", one of the worst grammatical songs ever. Ever. Every little thing she does is magic, every thing she DO just turns me on. Sting started thinking he was hip-hop before hip-hop was down wit that or something. Anyway, Gwen says he needs to find the beat of the song, because yo, he keeps losing the rhythm. She's in the rehearsal looking around for the drummer. Someone save him with the cymbals! She air drums to show him the seriousness of the situation. That's been his problem a few times. I'm not sure he has internal rhythm. Very nice voice, yes. Internal metronome? I don't know. Anyway, it's a snoozer. Right off the bat he's nasal, which is not a problem he's had before. I think I'm annoyed with him this morning because he and Phil both sang Police songs, and Phil did a better job, and I'm not a Phil Phan. Ok, so pick a better song and show off next week, ok, Chris? Or you're going to go soon. You're becoming forgettable, and I hate that, because you were my early favorite among the guys. You and Blake are disappointing me hugely. RANDY: Your problem was you couldn't get in the pocket with the band. What do you make of that? Trainwreck. CHRIS: Yeah, you're right, man, whatever you say, I'm so nice, and the judges are aaaaaalways right forever and ever amen. I picked it a day late, I've never sung this song before, and it was like a master's class in music for me. SARAHK: Not a hard song to find the rhythm to. I know you're a religious boy... are you from the church of Christ like me? Or Baptist? We're both notorious for our lack of rhythm. Wow, y'all should totally see my Tivo'd freeze frame of Paula's collagen. It's really puffy. Sorry for the delay, phone call. PAULA: Yeah, stay in the pocket, feel the beat, yeah! SIMON: It was a mess. It didn't feel right. (Cut off by the music.) I haven't finished yet. Not the Oscars. RYAN: I'm not pressing the buttons. Not yet. SARAHK: Oh Ryan. Not ever. CHRIS: It was my bad. I was so off. I'm the nicest guy ever, because I made a Teletubbies crack to Simon, and I got scared. SARAHK: Yes, I should be nice too. But then I'd stop snarking, and how would you kids know how to improve yourselves?

03 The Glock is singing "I'll Stand By You" by The Pretenders. Last night I said: Wow, THE GLOCK. She was outstanding, I was so proud of her (ok, honestly I hated the dress, the boots were a'ight, but I LOVED the performance). Idols 03. Vote it! Vote for THE GLOCK! Mwah. I was so happy when I heard your song choice. Perfect song for you, very well sung, heartfelt and emotional. You win tonight. But no more painted on bronze dresses, please. I heart you, but I could have plucked you off the stage and used you to decorate one of my plant ledges with the metallics you were painted into tonight. I hate to even go negative at all on you because I loved your performance so much, and it was your best so far, but I can't not talk about that dress. Say, next week how about "Hello" or "My Immortal" by Evanescence? But I'm not sure you can hit those high notes, so either stay away from those songs, or lower them a couple of clicks. Today I say: Ryan says Gina is a bit of a wreck. Shut yo' mouth! Anyway, he's talking about her being all girly and crying and stuff. She's so emotional, because Gwen's a hero of hers or something. Gwen says if Gina sings it with the emotion in her voice and the control that she's using, she'll do great. Or something. It's all chopped up, thanks, producers. Gina cries like the whole rehearsal and hugging Ms. Stefani. Anyway, the performance: I love what she did with the song. She still isn't "pronunciating" that well, but she's getting better. And Cullen, she is always grateful when she gets cheers, is always grateful when the judges praise her, is a good-mannered girl who always says thank you. She enunciates the thank yous always, because I always see that blasted tongue-bolt on the thank yous. Yo, dawg, that rocked. She did have one mic issue where she pulled away and forgot that the mic was on the stand, and she can't do that unless she's going to sing louder, so she needs to watch that, but really, I'm nitpicking, because mwah mwah mwah, I applauded on the couch again this morning. Yay! I'm gonna watch again after the judging. Major standing O from the crowd. RANDY: I love the boots! SARAHK: Let's just come out with the boot fetish, will we, Randy? RANDY: One of your best performances ever. Perfect song for you. Choose wise songs. (Wise songs?) Oh. Wide songs. (Wide songs?) PAULA: You're improving every week and coming into your own, it really was the best performance so far. SIMON: Gina, it wasn't one of your best performances... dramatic pause... it was your best performance. The transformation from three or four weeks ago to tonight was chalk and cheese. Best performance so far tonight, that's how good it was. SARAHK: Chalk yucky. Yes, I know this. Cheese yummy. Yes, I know this too. Most especially shredded parmesan. RYAN: I didn't realize chalk went with cheese. SARAHK: It doesn't, dufus. They're like, different. Get it? One isn't good to eat? One is? He's not pushing the buttons yet, kids. REWATCH: Mwah.

Frank can no longer hear the song "Downtown" since seeing a clip of Ginger Spice's video (was it her or a different skank?) on The Soup. It's ruined for him. I never had love for it anyway.

04 Sanjaya. Last night I said: Oh my. As I was typing this, Sanjaya walked out with his faux-hawk, as Paula just called it. I hate to say this: it was his best performance even though he forgot the words and had that hair thing going on. Whatever. Stick around. You're growing on us, and you know we're making fun of you. Now you're just there for the laughs, and you know it, and you know we know it, and you know we know you know it. And even Seacrest and the judges are openly joking about it on-air, so as long as no one is pretending that you're there because you're the next Aretha or Whitney or Celine, whatever. I don't care anymore. Today I say: Sanjaya is singing "Bath Water" by No Doubt, and Gwen is being nice. She worries because he was forgetting words and because it's a hard song, "but he chose it, so..." And the funniest thing about him is that now he is making the hair his focal point. He's trying to be this little virgin rocker boy with hair. RANDY: I'm speechless every time. You're interesting. The hair is interesting. You know, you can actually sing, if you would just put it all out there. Come on, man. SARAHK: In other words, you know America has made you into a punching bag, and Randy wants you to stop playing along and fight back. He thinks you can beat back all of America. Oh Randy. Come on, dawg. PAULA: If you had the gumption, if you had the ability to just totally go for it, it would fit the wackiness of the faux-hawk, and we're just sitting here going, come onnnnn. SARAHK: Paula's reverting to the days where she just regurgitated what Randy said. No, Paula, no! Don't fall back into your old patterns! How hard is it? You're up there already. SIMON: I presume there was no mirror in your dressing room tonight. SANJAYA: You're just jealous you couldn't pull it off. SIMON: You're right. Look, I don't think it matters what we say anymore. So if people out there like you, then good luck! RYAN: If you're voting for Sanjaya... for... several reasons, then here's his number. SARAHK: Several reasons being the following: a) Howard Stern told you to. b) VFTW told you to, and really, do keep him around, because I will be crushed if he leaves and Haley becomes their next candidate. c) You're a tweeny who really thinks he's hot because you have never seen Frank J. Fleming, Michael Vartan, Tom Welling, Orlando Bloom, Johnny Depp, Matthew Fox, Nathan Fillion, or Adam Rodriguez, and that's just off the top of my head, I could go on. d) Idol has been unimaginably boring this season, and you want him around for kicks. Frank said had he been voting tonight, he would have voted for Sanjaya.

05 Haley. Last night I said: Wow, Haley isn't wearing sleeveless and didn't show her armpits. I almost am tempted to vote for her. Would never do, no, but I'm so thankful about the armpits. And later in the rundown I said: I have nothing to say. Today I say: You know me, I always have something to say. Gwen says she liked what haley was doing with "True Colors" (Cindy Lauper, others), until she started going all wacky and doing her own thang. Gwen's like what are you doing to that song? Tell me about it, that's what we say every week. Gwen wants her to tone it down. When Haley starts singing, I think she's wearing an actual pink wig a la Cindy Lauper (who actually had pink hair), but when she stands up from her beloved stage-edge sitting position, I see it's just the lighting. About the sitting. She has to get up sometime, and thank goodness the camera wasn't right on her, because she is in a hoo-hah dress tonight. I am so thankful about the armpits not showing, though. But really, the singing? The song is so unrecognizable. I hear the original melody only on the words "True Colors". Oh, and she lost her pitch a lot, especially when she was sitting. Probably because she was nervous about how she was going to carefully stand up in that hoo-hah dress. Anyway, yeah, not much to say. It wasn't even the same song. RANDY: Not jumping up and down. (And now Haley's obnoxious family are cheering over Randy's judging.) PAULA: It wasn't young...er. It's like Gwen said, it has a good melody. Pretty girl. SIMON: How do you think you did. HALEY: I think I did well. SIMON: Sweet but forgettable. Too safe. Thousands of girls all over the country can do that. SARAHK: Thank you for not flashing me your armpits. I do appreciate it. Thank you.

I'm having seizures. I blame the Sanjaya-Haley one-two punch.

WH Phil. Last night I said: Thanks for pinning your ears down. Made you more watchable. Oh, come on, I'm not the only one thinking it, just the only one saying it. Y'all would be thanking me for wearing support hose and girdles if I were up there. Except for a few screechy notes, you were quite good until the end, and then you got all freaky weird when you did your own thang, dawg. That's when it became a gigantic mess, and my face scrunched up in horror. Until then, I had you above LaKisha. I was going to give your number out and everything.

Whoa, pause. More important things. I just read Frank's latest IMW, and it's very funny, and I finally took a look at all the pork in the war surrender bill that Congress tried to pass, the one that Bush vetoed because of all the pork and surrendering. I feel an angry SarahK rant coming on. Let's surrender, oh, and by the way, we can plant $40 million in trees, including Christmas trees, but it's not ever okay to say the word Christmas in our schools or public facilities or outside of our very private houses. And don't offend anyone by saying Merry Christmas ever! But we can put $40 million worth of Christmas in our surrender bill. Blasted politicians.

Ok, back to Idol, I'll rant later. Things to do today.

Back to Phil. Today I say: Yes, he's singing "Every Breath You Take", which is about a guy who will never ever leave a girl in peace, even though she's kicked him to the curb. He's probably going to chop her up into little pieces and scatter her across the Nevada desert, and we'll see it in reruns of the first season of CSI. That's what Frank and I have been watching on our lunches. But anyway, Phil, Inane Viewer Email, how does it feel to go from nobody to household name in a matter of weeks? Oh, he doesn't notice it, but people send him magazine clippings, but they're so busy you know. But it's cool. Thanks for asking! Gwen is pleasantly surprised that Phil is doing a good job with the Next Episode of Cold Case song, and she thinks he should not do any extra melody stuff. Just stick to the song, Phil. Ack! Phil is even doing creepy stalker eyes at the camera, like he's really going to chop her up. Yeah, you didn't even stick around for the birth, so how do I half believe you and half not believe you? But he does sound good until "baby baby please", and on the "please", it turns into a disaster until the end. Until then, it was really good if I didn't look at the screen. RANDY: Yo, I actually liked that, dawg. You sang a couple of runs at the end that kinda made it nice. SARAHK: Those runs at the end ruined the song. Until the end, it was really good. PAULA: The verses are kinda safe. You should put character there. Later, rinse, repeat Randy, put more collagen in lips. SIMON: This might surprise you, but I actually liked this. It's the only time in the last few weeks when I actually felt like you were trying to do well in this competition. SARAHK: When you put your own spin on stuff, you terrorize it. Just stick to the original, do a copy cat, sing the heck out of it, and you might actually grow on me. Your voice is actually good. Oh, and yes, thanks for covering the ears and the head. And your wife, she's really got a sweet smile. I said something New Testamenty here and then erased it. It was really nice about her, but people wouldn't have understood and would have just kind scratched their heads and thought I was being ugly to you. Anyway, be nice to her, she truly loves you, I can see it in her eyes. She adores you.

07 Melinda is singing "Heaven Knows" by Donna Summer. Last night I said: Don't listen to Simon. The outfit was fine. I love that you dress modestly and don't feel the need to let it all hang out, unlike Baby-Feeder LaKisha. Today I say: Do all Donna Summer songs sound the same? I mean the instrumental parts. To me, they all sound very Xanadu. I wonder why I never noticed that before. I expect Olivia Newton-John to pop out in gold lame with poofy blonde hair and start singing in roller skates at any moment when I hear the opening notes of these songs. Do I even make sense? Anyway, Melinda is excellent, par for the course. She roller-skates all over the stage. Her hair is Reese Witherspoon in Sweet Home Alabama. I like the knee-dress fine. Could do without the leggings underneath (girls: leggings are not back. I detest them. I lived through them the first time, and I refuse them this time. Put them back in the '80s and '90s where they go.). She's got incredibly uncomfortable toe-shoes on tonight. At the end she looks surprised but not shocked. Getting better. Not losing the humility, but she knows that she needs to move on from shocked. She reads. :-) Good girl. Mwah. RANDY: The reason I call you the pro is because you live the words, you don't just sing them! That was the bomb again! PAULA: You're fun and joyful! (She wants to cry, but all the moisture is in her lips tonight.) SIMON: I don't think it'll be the performance we all look back on as the best. Vocally you were again outstanding. Hate the outfit. SARAHK: Wear dark red, black, purple, he'll love you. Try crepe as a fabric maybe. Crepe loves curvy bodies. I know because I own a curvy body. Oh, and I do not mean "fat" when I say "curvy", so don't even think I'm calling you fat. You look good. RYAN: You always look so surprised when you're up on the stage after the song. But it's becoming habit now, right? You sing, they say good things... SARAHK: In other words, Ryan watches The Soup... I do love that they're finally pointing these things out to the contestants (to their faces) that the blogs and snark/chat shows are saying (we would say it to their faces, too, but we don't get face time). They're pointing out all the awkward elephants in the room, and giving Ryan the dirty jobs most of the time. I LOVE it. RYAN: Melinda, embrace it. (She hugs herself, Simon looks away, because he thinks it's obscene to hug yourself onstage. She doesn't know what to do now, because she's already hugging herself, so as time wears on, she just owns the hug less and less... but she smiles and stuff.)

08 Blake is singing "Love Song" by The Cure. Last night I said: What were the judges on about with that boring performance? Even Sanjaya was more enjoyable. Could y'all hear me yawning on the left coast? Today I say: Gwen says it's pretty, and he needs to be careful about when he beatboxes, because that can distract from the melody. Or detract, whatever. Now that I think about it, I don't remember any beatboxing. I do love his voice, it's beautiful, and among the males, he has the most beatiful voice. It's pure, clear, has a lovely tone. But he is just not doing it for me. The song tonight was flawless as far as vocals, but such a lullaby. I mean, let's be next door neighbors, and when I have babies, I'll send them to you at bedtime, and you can sing them to sleep, ok? But before I start voting for you again, you have to start doing something again. Everything is so slow and deliberate, like you're carefully planning everything. When I'm listening, I feel like I'm listening to you walk a tightrope, and you're just singing so carefully with that balancing stick in your hands, so planned, so safe, so... I'm just waaaaiting for something to happen. Get to the other side. Fall off into the safety net (notice I don't want him to splatter on the ground). Something. Ok, enough with the bad metaphors, I apologize. You may slap my hand with rulers now. Anyway, there was no beatboxing, and had there been, I would have disliked it even more, because it was so slooooooooow, and beatboxing and slooooooow don't really do it for me. RANDY: I'm not sure it was my perfect song choice for you, but you made the most of it, you made it tender. I wasn't jumping up and down but I liked it. PAULA: I loved what you did with that song. You're taking risks, and you're the dark horse. I'd love to see you in the finale. SARAHK: Don't listen to Paula. Whatever it is you're doing with the songs, do something else. Remember that Keane song you did? That was a chest-clutcher. Please, I want some more. SIMON: Definitely the strongest guy in the competition, but you have to be careful, because you're in this Chris Daughtry zone where you're doing you're own thing, and it's a bit boring. PAULA: No. No. No. SARAHK: Listen to Simon. Listen to me. Get exciting. RYAN: Wow, the F-word from Paula! Finale! What do you think about that? Don't say it. PAULA: As Gwen would say... (Blake sings two words of "Don't Speak".) RYAN: Don't sing that, or we'll have to pay for it. SARAHK: Don't worry, you'll be at commercial soon, and I think you get thirty seconds in Fair Use, so I think you're ok. RYAN: I'm gonna hear from Fox on that. SARAHK: Because you know, he's pushing the buttons. (Blake looks scared, like he got Ryan in trouble.)

09 Jordin is singing "Hey Baby" by No Doubt. Last night I said: Nice picnic basket you were wearing, Raggedy Ann. Also vocally the worst performance out of her in weeks. If Disney's what you do best, just do Disney. How about "Part of Your World"? You haven't done that one yet. I'm kidding, don't do it. People will laugh at you, and that's one of my all-time favorite Disney songs. You can never live up to the original, or to my singing-in-the-car version. I rock at that song, baby. Today I say: Gwen says she was shocked that Jordin was going to do it. That Jordin made it sound so much more musical than she thought it was. ? If she can just get her groove on or something. Jordin is dressed, as previously said, like Raggedy Ann. I actually think this is her worst performance ever. I hate the giant hoop earrings, too. I do like the grey boots, though. And that they match her Raggedy skirt exactly. That is all the nice I can say about this. It had tuning problems, the look was awful... I mean, she tried, and she flounced around the stage and tried to own it, but it's just horrible song choice for her. Or for AI. Period. Blech. Stick around, but pick a better song next week. I've decided I like her, but she slipped. Sorry, one more thing... No pleated skirts. Girls like us, with lots of butt... no pleated skirts. RANDY: It's hard to do a stylized song, but you could sing anything, you'd be a great recording artist, and that was great. PAULA: You're adorable, you're hip, you're young. Just celebrate it. SIMON: You're the most improved contestant in the last few weeks. You're much younger. Only problem with that song was that it was a bit copy-cattish. JORDIN: I wanted to do something a bit fun and different, though. SIMON: And you did. SARAHK: And I do appreciate that, but it was the wrong song.

10 Chris Richardson is singing "Don't Speak". Last night I said: Chris Richardson was totally knocking my socks off until he forgot a couple of words near the end. Mouth agape and everything, chest clutcher until then. Chris, please remember, though: the microphone stays at your mouth. If your body bobs up and down, the arm with the mic moves in motion with your head. If you're using a mic stand, you must bob only the body, keep the mouth stationary, or no bobbing. You have quite enough vibrato without leaving out entire notes due to mic loss. Today I say: Gwen says she's seen him on the show and noticed he likes to do the vocal Olympics, and she doesn't think the song really needs it (if it did, she probably would have sung it that way to begin with), so she hopes he just throws it in a little. Ok, he's singing now, and I have a problem with him wearing white button down shirts. I'm ok with the plaid ties. They're cute. But the white shirts make him look a little squatty or something. He should try black or brown. And other than the mic issue and the word forgetting, I cannot complain. Yummy vocals. Loved it. Loved it. Loved it. RANDY: Yo, so check it out, that was very interesting, I like your R&B ska flavor. Don't be afraid of yourself. Just believe in yourself, baby. PAULA: You're good, Chris, you're good. You're just good. Also good? Vodka. And opaque cups that don't show that it's not really Coca-Cola in my cup. You're good. You're just goooood. SIMON: I think your song choice got you in trouble last week, and this was a much better choice of song. I didn't quite like the arrangement. It wasn't the best vocal. You struggled, and I think you have to pay a lot better attention on your vocal right now. RYAN: Let me make you uncomfortable and cause tension backstage, because we have to make this season exciting somehow. How did it make you feel when they said Blake is the frontrunner of the guys? CHRIS: Ryan, you're a buttface. I mean, if Blake's the frontrunner, that's cool. I mean, we're good friends. RYAN: But you'd like to win. CHRIS: No, I'd like to punch you. Yes, I'd like to win. SARAHK: Punch him anyway. It'll make The Soup! In the "Chicks, Man" segment. Because of Ryan, not you, Chris.

The rundown again:
03 The Glock.
10 Chris Richardson.
07 Melinda.
01 Lakisha.
WH Phil.
02 Chris Sligh.
09 Jordin
04 Sanjaya.
08 Blake
05 Haley

Prediction: Bottom 3... Haley, Phil, Chris Sligh. I was torn between Jordin and Phil being bottom three, but Jordin is so likeable. Going home... I think it's finally Haley's turn.

02 Chris Richardson is doing "Don't Let the Sun Catch You Crying". This was beautiful. Simple and beautiful. I might have even loved this more than "Geek in the Pink". RANDY: It was beautiful, one of your best vocals yet. PAULA: You're playing this game to win it. Acoustic arrangement, sexy and charming. SIMON: I think that was your best performance ever. Your control on the song was excellent, you didn't make it sound old-fashioned, I'm not familiar with the song. You were a little nasally, which you have to watch out for. SARAHK: I agree with Simon.

03 Stephanie Edwards gets a fan question. Stephanie says the hardest part of getting ready for the show is picking the song. Really? Because you pick the same song every week. Stephanie is singing "You Don't Have to Say You Love Me". Something actually felt a little off with this. She seemed almost a little out of breath on this one tonight. She had some pitch problems, and she kept doing that pause-and-hold thing that she does on every song, only it didn't work on this one because she sounded like she couldn't breathe. I hate the dress, am not crazy about the boots. Hair looks awesome. RANDY: Yo, great song choice, not your best performance, a little pitchy and choppy or something. PAULA: You're beautiful and picked the right song. You're a great singer, but I want you to have fun! Like me. Try vodka, it works for me. SIMON: How do you think you did? STEPH: I think I did well. SIMON: I think you're losing your soul, I thought it was very good nightclubby, cabaret. You've lost your edge, and you're not having fun. You're getting too old for yourself. SARAHK: Yes. Get out of your rut. You were really good in the beginning.

04 Blake Lewis is singing and beatboxing "Time of the Season". He needs to ignore anything Randy says to him. Because when he sings and scats a little, his voice is at the top of the guys' list. See, when he just stops and sings, his voice is so beautiful, but when he stops and beatboxes, he gets distracted and starts having pitch problems. Argh. And Blake, let's talk about your Jason Mraz outfit. Here's why you can't get away with it while Mr. A to Z can. You have a big squishy butt. Nothing wrong with big squishy butts, but those pants are not meant for big tushies. Plus the tight cord jackets just don't work on some people. I know what look you're going for, and it's a cool look on some people. You don't pull it off. So try moving on to cool t-shirts or something. But wow, I love your voice when it isn't distracted. Stop distracting yourself! Oh, and the weird slo-mo hip action dance moves? Eh-eh. No no. Make them go booo-bye. One more thing. Please no more songs that have been used in a million commercial jingles. Please! RANDY: I'm a huge fan, and yay! You made that song really current. PAULA: Giggle yay la la la rah rah jiggle yum! Yay for you! You could release that right now! Release the vodka! SIMON: A million times better than last week. You chose the right song and found the right way to do it without messing with the melody. Strongest performance so far. SARAHK: If you mean strongest tonight, you are so wrong, because Chris was way better tonight. It was fine but not Blake's best (the Keane song was better) and not tonight's best).

05 LaKisha is singing "Diamonds are Forever" after Lulu told her for sure that she should sing the other one she had in mind and make it her own. To which LaKisha returned a blank stare. Then Lulu tells the camera that "Diamonds" is one of Simon's favorite songs. And Ryan tells us that Kiki is wearing about a million dollars worth of diamonds. Do the other contestants get the same luxuries, or is it just the pimped preordained winners? Anyway, she's wearing yet another giant breasty dress, in case we haven't seen her giant floppy boobies enough in previous weeks. This one is green, though. I like the color. Not the cut. Nor the hair. Nor the performance. It's neverending and boring and safe. Next, please. She's Studdarded with diamonds tonight. Did you see what I did there? The play on words? With the whole Ruben thing... lazy implications... yes, I'm witty if nothing else. RANDY: Not my favorite performance, you have a big voice, but I didn't feel enough LaKisha in it. It was just a'ight. PAULA: I don't think you picked the wrong song. You're a very smart girl. Any time you sing about diamond, they'll give you diamonds to wear. We'll bodyguard you. How many millions are you wearing? SIMON: Millions of what? SARAHK: Why do we have to listen to Seacrest if no one else does? SIMON: This is the LaKisha I see in fifty years. Too old-fashioned. The performance, the dress, the hair, the everything. SARAHK: The phoning it in. RYAN: Are you surprised with the review? KIKI: You take the good with the bad with the ugly. FRANK J.: Which is which? SARAHK: Simon's the good, because he's the only one I agree with. Paula's the drunk. FRANK J.: That's not an option. SARAHK: Fine. She's the bad, because she never says anything. Randy's the ugly. FRANK J.: Poor Randy. SARAHK: Well, he's better than Paula. FRANK J.: I would have said Randy's the good, Simon's the bad, Paula's the ugly. SARAHK: But Simon's the only good judge! FRANK J.: But just like in the movie, the Bad is a really good shot but he's still a bad guy. SARAHK: The Man with No Name is also a really good shot. Simon's the good. RYAN: Cowell, what don't you like about this dress? SIMON: Your subject. RYAN: No, you're gay. SIMON: No, you are. RYAN: No, you are. SIMON: No, you are. SARAHK: We get it. You're friends.

06 Phil Stacey is singing "Tobacco Road". It looks like someone spit up all over his shirt. Is that a design? I like his jeans, though. I like him getting away from the power ballads, and I think this is kind of a good genre for him, but he didn't sell it. The harmony in the bare spots is kinda weird. How many times are they going to flash to his wife to prove to us that she does really still love him even though he wasn't there for the birth of the baby? We get it. She's very forgiving. This was better than last week, I think. Don't know, don't care. RANDY: Pretty good, couple pitchy spots. I like your upper register... In the end, it was pretty good for me. PAULA: Good song choice, a few pitchy spots, but I think you played it off well, and I think it was a good performance. SIMON: Third division bar band performance. You need grit to pull off a song like that. You weren't believable. You may have a problem tomorrow. SARAHK: I don't know, the men may be happy that he stopped singing girl songs.

07 Jordin Sparks is wearing a big cleavy dress. A song that describes her best... "I'm So Excited" by the Pointer Sisters. And now she's telling why. And she should just stop, because the more she speaks, the more I don't like her. She's been gaining ground with me, but she can lose it by continuing to speak. She's singing "I Who Have Nothing". Let's see if she can sing it without grinning like a puppy who just stole a steak off the grill. Judging from the the rehearsal, she actually will. ? A new her since Diana Ross got ahold of her. Most of this is excellent, but she does get a little bit of goat in her vibrato in a couple of spots, so she needs to be careful with that. Also, she's serious to the point of she looks like she might cry. Well, he loves someone else, so... Poor Jordin! She ran circles around LaKisha tonight. Take note, Kiki, because Jordin is kicking your pinkytoe with all your laziness. RANDY: One of the best performances tonight. Very controlled. PAULA: It doesn't matter that you're so young. You're a wonderful singer, wonderful performer. SIMON: You sang it beautifully, but I feel like jumping off a bridge. It was soooo gloomy. You did sing it beautifully though. RYAN: I think, Simon, to get it you have to have loved someone other than yourself. SIMON: No, you're gay. SARAHK: It was great. Watch the goat thing, and great job on not grinning through the pain, but don't overdo it, or Simon just might kill himself. And then we'd be left with Paula and Randy for judges.

08 Sanjaya Malakar is singing "You Really Got Me". And there is a girl in the audience who is bawling like a baby. She was crying after Haley sang, and I thought it was because of the armpit thing, but she is making it so hard for me to write. She's gotta be a plant. She's crying her eyes out. And they have flashed to her every two seconds in the song, and she is so much more entertaining than anything Sanjaya's ever done, including the hula. Sadly, this was probably Sanjaya's best performance ever, and that's saying something, because this was awful, and he was wearing sweaters on his fingers. And he thought he was a rocker or something, and Frank and I were just roaring with laughter the entire time at the girl. RANDY: You shocked me. You're usually reserved, and tonight you came out of your shell, and this was probably your best performance to date. PAULA: Go for it, this was great to see you like this, I'm glad you went for it. SIMON: I think the little girl's face says it all. RYAN: I think she actually liked him. (Ryan introduces her, her name is Ashley, and Sanjaya gives her a hug.) (To Ashley:) If you need anything, just let us know, we'll be right here. SARAHK: Tissue, more glycerin, a clue. Anything.

09 Gina Glocksen cut off her hair to her chin, and she looks great. She's dressed all edgy and stuff. Email question: Yes, she does believe being on AI has made her stronger. Absolutely, because there are a lot of critiques and stuff that they can see, blogs and stuff (SHOUT OUT TO SARAHK FROM THE GLOCK! I HEART YOU TOO! YOU'RE ONE OF MY FAVES!), and it can get you down (not if you do a great job and keep it tuned in to IMAO, Glock. Can I call you The Glock? I like guns, and that will make you even cooler.), but you have to stay confident. Try not to pay attention to the media. Try not to. Try not to. She's going to sing "Paint It Black". I think it's good she raised it a half step, because she might not have gotten the opening notes out if she hadn't. Or maybe that's me. Ok, this was good but could have been better. It wasn't horrible or anything, but I think she should have raised that song more than a half step or sang a different song. It's too low for her and doesn't show off her range. She has a much better range than she let on tonight. And The Glock needs a tan. RANDY: Just a'ight for me. Pitchy for me in spots. PAULA: This is what you have fun doing. And honestly, you picked Simon's favorite song. SIMON: Haha. Haha. Haha. PAULA: Well, it wouldn't be "Paint It Purple".

thanks to Cadet Happy for the image.
SIMON: There were moments of complete torture. Just not very good. That was style over content. To do well, you're going to have to do a lot better than that. Vocally, not good enough. SARAHK: It was good but you need to sing more. Rock out, but maybe rock out to songs with big strong long notes, because you can pull those off. Don't let Simon's early critiques scare you away from those. (The judges have a spat over freedom and stuff.)

10 Chris Sligh is singing "She's Not There". Peter Noone is worried that Chris might go too safe with the song since got in trouble with the arrangement last week. He's walking through the crowd, but he's completely ignoring the people in the audience. Looking only at the camera. Sing, navigate, sing, navigate. Watch out, don't kill Simon with the mic stand. Ok, the vocals were good, but I was a little bored. The male vocal prize of the night goes to Chris Richardson. RANDY: I love how you walked through the crowd! Started rough but ended strong. A little ahead of the beat. PAULA: I love how you're dressing and how you're working the audience, but feel free to be more personable with the audience. SARAHK: ... I agreed with Paula? That's some strong migraine I'm on tonight. SIMON: I don't think there was anything wrong with his audience work. It was fun, good vocal, much better than last week. Not your best vocal, but good work or something. CHRIS: Hi Dave! Fro Patro! SARAHK: I'm not on board with being called that. I might not be able to vote for him tonight because of that. Except that he's making fun of Taylor Hicks, and I'm still annoyed that Taylor has turned into one of those I-Hate-AI-and-Never-Needed-It DBs (insert your own words there) who didn't thank his AI fans on his CD liner notes. I'm still not ok with being called Fro Patro. (UPDATE: I was thinking the shoutout to Dave was a VFTW thing because I thought I read the Fro Patro thing over there this week, and Frank says it was.)

11 Melinda Doolittle is singing "As Long as He Needs Me". I'ma come right out and say it. I'm getting bored with her "Whaaaat? I'm a good singer?" act. You know you are. Quit actin' like you're not, and please, for the love of pete, say thank you. Just once. Ever. She's sitting on the edge of the stage. No blazer today, but she's still dressed modestly! See, ladies (LaKisha)? You don't have to have your baby feeders on permanent display! We know you have them. She looks nice. Her hair looks good, I like the change, it's flat and not fluffy, and she got it cut to her chin, too. Waaaaaah ha! The cryer (crier?) is still crying, and she squeezes out the big Sundancey glycerin tears, and then stops crying long enough to glance over at the big TV screen and see if she's on camera. She has to be a promo for a new Fox show. Maybe she's one of the smart little 5th graders. WHOA! Melinda just mouthed "thank you" to the audience! Awesome, because I was going to threaten that if she didn't thank somebody, I was going to boycott voting for her next week. I know now that they read the blogs (thanks, The Glock!). The vocals are boring at first, but then wow, just excellent. She's pure talent. RANDY: Best for last, you're a pro. PAULA: You're a story, beginning, middle, and end. SIMON: Are you really as nice as you seem? When it started, I thought it was a boring song, and then you made the second part of the song absolutely sensational with an impeccable vocal. SARAHK: I said that already. SIMON: SarahK, you naughty little fox. SARAHK: Yes, well... fox anyway.

The order of things...

11 Melinda Doolittle*
07 Jordin Sparks*
02 Chris Richardson*
09 Gina Glocksen (The Glock)*
04 Blake Lewis*
10 Chris Sligh
05 LaKisha Jones
06 Phil Stacey
03 Stephanie Edwards
01 Haley Scarnato
08 Sanjaya Malakar

The bottom three: Well last week there was justice, and Sanjaya was in the bottom two, so maybe he can be there again. So I'll go with Sanjaya, Haley, Phil. And going home... Hmm. Haley or Phil. Booo-bye, Haley. You cried your way into tonight's show last week, but not one of the judges slammed you tonight, so you're out.

7:15p.m.
Chloe says the drone should already have reached L.A., so L.A. can come off the list of targets. Next on the list are SF, Phoenix, and Vegas. Hey, you keep your nukes off our gays, our whores, and our... Arizonans. Jack is now at CTU with his internal bleeding but is walking perfectly. He wants to know about Gredenko, and Bill tells him Gredenko escaped after launching the drone, and oh, by the way, get to medical. He tells Jack to get to medical and Nurse Silver Spoons to run point. Jack hates Doyle, because he wants to be him.

Jack's sister-in-law (and son's mother) is at CTU to tell him she always regretted things didn't work out between them. Because that's what grieving wives do. Jack tells her oh yeah, I loved you too, but hey, there was this whiny girl named Audrey before I went to China. Mrs. Petrelli says but Audrey's DEAD! SarahK says, "YAY!" but then knows in her heart of darkness that it's too good to be true. Because the writers of 24 killed Tony and Michelle and Curtis, so they hate SarahK. They hates her. Me. Us. Jack looks like he might puke, but like always when he looks like he might do that, he runs and confronts Chloe instead. "Why didn't no one tell me?" "Buchanan didn't want to tell you when you first got back, because we figured bin Diesel was gonna kill you anyway. I guess we shouldn't tell you your daughter's a whore, and really stupid, either, right?" Turns out (supposedly) that Audrey went to China to look for Jack, because she is soooo smart and figured the Chinese took Jack, and there were some remains identified that were Audrey's. No details as to how she kicked it. She probably whined herself to death.

Actually, I'll bet she's not dead at all, because of reasons listed above. Look who's dead, and then there's Audrey. If Chloe's alive at the end of this season, I'll be in shock.

VPOTT's blonde hooter's girl tells VPOTT that Mr. F is still acting NSA and will attend the meeting of the Joint Chiefs. Speak of the Devil, Mr. F comes to see the Bisquick, and she asks if he got pushed down the stairs. "No, Karen, I tripped over your ineptitude." BOO, and YAH! I like him. I hope they're not trying to make me like her over him, because she became shrill early on this season, and he was made out to be someone who just really loves the country and doesn't want to see it go down in politically correct flames. He's screwed up some, yeah, but she's a shrill, PC apologist who makes me want to throw up on myself for funsies. They exchange sadness over what happened to Waynewreck.

VPOTT convenes the meeting and tells everyone about the nuke containing the drone. He also tells everyone about the potential retaliatory strike of the fictionary country at the northern border of the country that would result in 2000 deaths and show how well we take being nuked on American soil and whatnot. Mr. F starts her shrill apologies for the Middle East or whomever and blah blah blah, mistake mistake mistake, we're just supposed to sit back and take it for as long as anyone wants to dish it out.

Here's the thing: whether bin Diesel's home government is behind this or not is becoming irrelevent. We've been nuked once now, and we're about to be nuked a second time. This after months and months of attacks, thousands of lives lost. At some point we have to attack someone. Some government is financing this. This isn't just one guy with a bunch of money. And even if it is, the American people won't see it that way, and more importantly, the world won't see it that way. All our holding back because we can't prove who is attacking us will show the world is not restraint; it's that you can attack us on our home base and we won't do a thing about it. A little too PC for my taste.

I guess what I'm saying is that Mr. F should SHUT HER PIE HOLE!

As smarmy as VPOTT is, he has to do something, and standing up for America is a good move. Finally, someone with testicles. He tells the Admiral to have a nuclear strike sub to stand by.

7:28 p.m.
Nadia (Yassir) has given stuff to Morris, and Milo is all jealous. So now Milo is going to be jealous of Nadia instead of Chloe. He asks Chloe if Morris is better, or if he's just better because he had a drink. SarahK is tired of this crap and thinks Milo should maybe step back his jealousy bit since Morris got tortured earlier and Milo didn't have someone drill through his shoulder. MILO: I need you to do me a favor. CHLOE: No. SARAHK: LOL. Milo wants Chloe to check Morris's breath because he's jealous. She kisses Morris, and when he asks why, she reverts to classic Chloe! CHLOE: Just checking your breath. SARAHK: LOL! Yay! It's fun to snark again!

Mr. F tells Bisquick she knows he's not in favor of the nuclear strike. So now she wants to team up and says hey, Waynewreck wouldn't want any of this to happen. He tells her not to presume what he believes and notes that Waynewreck made wrong decision after wrong decision today. So maybe your husband should step up and stop the drone if you want the nuclear attack stopped.

Chloe tells the CTU team that the satellite data from CTU is being relayed from CTU to the drone... and Bill says, "One of our own people?" and SarahK says, "Whaaaaaat??? A mole at CTU? I wonder if it's Nadia (Yassir)?" Then again, hear me out, Morris did get the nukes all nice and working for the terrorists, and he could actually look a little terroristy... And then there's Milo. Milo has given Nadia, the Muslim, his login to use, and Nadia has been so chaste in using it... or HAS SHE??? Nadia's probably going to frame Milo for it, and then in the end it will turn out that it was Nadia all along, and that will be the only thing that doesn't turn all the viewers completely away from 24 this season. Because if you think that the core audience isn't completely fed up with all the "The Muslims are our best tool" bullcrap, then you're wrong, writers. Get over yourselves.

Either that, or it will turn out that Chloe was so mad that the Americans let Jack rot in China for 2 years that she turned against them. But I doubt it.

Anyway, Nurse Silver Spoons immediately profiles Nadia because she's a Mooooslim and says that they should trace her computer first, because profiling is smart, and finally this show makes an ounce of sense this season. Oh, and by the way, she's already been tagged. Milo gets all ticked off, and NSS says you just want to get in her panties, and Bill says hey Nurse Silver Spoons is right. We can't be stupid morons and pretend we live in the EU. Check her computer. And Chloe says hey, it checks out. So SarahK decides that either it is Nadia (real world likely), or Milo is framing her but we won't find out till later in the season, or Morris is and it will be super-elaborate. Either of the latter, and we'll all go, "huh?" when they try to explain it, because they're both late-season additions to the script.

So Bill says to shut down the workstation, and for some reason, the only way to do that is to shut down CTU's mainframe for 20 minutes. Because CTU's computers are stuck in the 1800s? Milo watches all sad and puppy-dog-eyed as Nadia says, "Bill, I'm not a traitor!" and is carted off by security. Morris looks on. Hmmmmmm. Bill tells Morris to secure the station and find where the leak is going. He waits until Nurse Silver Spoons goes away before he continues his work. Let's repeat, everyone: Muslims are our greatest asset. Oh look! I see a dead horse! Let's beat it! Gredenko talks to a small-peep'd man and finds out that a bomb will detonate over San Francisco in 20 minutes. But that's where Ghirardelli Square is! And if I'm not mistaken, See's Candies is headquartered there! Plus, if it detonates, we won't be able to make any jokes about it or the fact that its people elected Nancy Pelosi ever again! Please, stop the attack! For the love of pete!

7:39p.m.
Mr. F goes to see President Waynewreck's doctor to find out how he's doing. He's in a coma, but his vitals are strong. "He's a fighter." Are you sure you're looking at the right chart? Because the guy I'm thinking of would appease that coma right into cooperation. Mr. F asks the doctor if he can bring the president back so she can talk to him, you know, as a matter of national security and shrillness. The doc says he would need consent from the family, but it's super-risky. Sandra Palmer is there for consent purposes. Looky! Shrill times two! Yay!

At CTU, Nurse SS is questioning Nadia (Yassir) while Chloe, Morris, and Milo try to prove the innocence of Nadia (Yassir). NSS warns Nadia (Yassir) with a choke hold that he will do what's necessary to protect the country. Ok, I'm a fan. He can replace Jack Bauer. He didn't shoot Curtis, nor fail Tony. Milo comes in and tells Nurse Silver Spoons that they have found the drone pilot's location on Nadia (Yassir)'s computer. It's three miles from CTU. How convenient! They do like to stay close to CTU. NSS leaves but warns Milo that they're not through with Nadia (Yassir).

Milo gets all stoic and asks Nadia (Yassir) if she's ok. She says, "Milo. You know I didn't have anything to do with this. Because I'm a Muslim. And therefore one of America's greatest assets!" She tells Milo to get out of the interrogation room.

Jack, in medical, is looking at Audrey's file, which is a bunch of watercolor paintings of Audrey's death? Car accident or something. Jack sees people mobilizing and asks what's going on. Dude, they like totally have a location on the drone! Jack asks Chloe what's going on, and she tells him. He says he will need a PDA and a phone. No mention of a JackAttackSack. Bill comes up and wants to know whatsup, and Jack's like, why didn't you say nothin'? Bill's like, you were dead anyway, we figured why make it worse? Jack thinks Bill should have told Jack about Audrey, because Jack thinks Audrey was murdered, because that's a natural assumption about someone so whiny, murder for the purpose of shutting her up. Jack says he has to see this thing through "for Audrey" because she was so whiny. Nevermind for Kim and for Teri. Audrey. Audrey went to get him out of Chinese prison because she thought he was worth it. Even though he wasn't, because he saves terrorists over soldiers.

Jack MUST track down the people responsible for Audrey's murder, don't you know, Bill?

7:50 p.m.
Little-wang-man tells Gredenko the nuke will detonate very soon over San Francisco. Like in this episode and everything! And he's playing with a videogame joystick to set off the bomb!

Now Jack and Nurse SS are in the field together at the location of Little-wang-man so they can stop the drone and the detonation. They storm the castle easily with their suppressors. L-w-m tries to set off a grenade but can't pull his pin on his little grenade. Jack finds that the target is Frisco. They can't deactivate the bomb and can't veer the drone too steeply or something, or they'll stall it out and kill a bunch of people.

Chloe is walking him through it, and video game buffs would be good at this one. Jack somehow veers it offcourse and stalls the drone. Eventually, Jack crashlands the nuke somewhere around San Francisco. They are trying to wake the drone pilot. Fire and rescue show up but call for hazmat because radioactive materials are released. Poor first responders. :-( The VPOTT is calling it a dirty bomb and wants to bomb the other country anyway because he does not consider this a success. This just makes Karen even more shrill than EVER! Even Bisquick is agreeing with Shrilly Mr. F.

This country is ready for a woman president, and it should be me, on anaesthetic. Someone who would just pimp-slap Mr. F right out of the room.

VPOTT gives the order to launch the missile on the other country.

Next week on 24, Mr. F's voice reaches glass-breaking pitch. Bin Diesel and Gredenko fight. Mr. F goes to Sandra Palmer about waking up Wayne. Wayne crashes!

04 Gina Glocksen. Twice Diana Ross tells Gina to "pronunciate" everything. Pronunciate. Pronunciate. Children, if you don't know why that's a problem, you're probably the ones putting Haley and Sanjaya through to the next rounds. Gina is dressed appropriately to herself again tonight, and I like it, but I have to say, she is not right for the tapered leg jeans. She needs a good boot cut. Then again, I feel like tapered leg jeans are a bad look for everyone. Any '80s looks should never come back from the dead. Don't let any sale racks tell you differently. Tapered jeans just always look like they're two inches too short. From the waist up, she looks great. The singing was good but nothing spectacular. But it was good. She sang "Love Child". Ok, fine. I voted for her several times, because I'm a fan, and she was fine. RANDY: Not my favorite performance from you, pitchy in spots, boring, weird. PAULA: You're much better than you did tonight. You shouted sometimes. Enunciation wasn't great. SIMON: Wasn't terrible, wasn't fantastic. Right song for you, right image for you. Forgettable, middle-pack performance. SARAHK: It was fine. I like you.

Before the break, Sanjaya is smiling huge and waving at the camera. I just want to give him a lollypop. "Ok, here's your lollypop, Sanjaya, now go skip rope with the other children!"

WH Sanjaya. Ahahaha. He's singing "Ain't No Mountain High Enough" or whatever that song is called. Are you kidding? He thinks he can sing that? Oh no. When he comes on stage, his permed, poofy hair is tousled, and he's wearing earrings. I'm sorry. I'm sure he's a nice twelve year-old, but I cannot stop laughing at this. I think someone pulled a nasty trick on him and told him he's supposed to look like whatever artist they're imitating each week. I use imitating very weakly. Frank thinks he's going for the whole young Michael Jackson look, Jackson Five era. Oh yes, it's a singing competition. Well, that was just horrific. Frank asks if he's the worst to ever make the top twelve. My mind wanders back to Jasmine [UM, see UPDATE below], but she had decent moments. Sanjaya's voice isn't that bad, if he's singing "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star", but Mozart would probably not approve, considering it's a ripoff of his tune, come to think of it. Ok, bad example. Ok, it's not that bad if he's singing something like the ABCs. Wait, same tune. I didn't do that intentionally. Hmm. "Mary Had a Little Lamb"? Ack. Anyway, I'm gonna go with yes, he's probably the worse to make the top twelve (when you put it all together – singing, stage presence, dancing), but Haley's armpits and high-fives are so unnerving that it makes it difficult for me to hear her sing, so her onstage issues are even worse than his dance moves. Anyway, that was an absolute trainwreck. Stop the madness, whoever you are that is voting for him a million times a night. RANDY: Wow, um, dude, I don't even know what to say. Dude, it wasn't very good. Thank goodness for the background singers. I look forward to your hair every week, though! PAULA: You sang on pitch. You're the sweetest soul, you have the sweetest smile, it warms people's hearts. You need to explode with your vocal sound with reckless abandon. SIMON: When you hear a wail in Beverly Hills, that is where Diana Ross is watching the show. She's going to freak when she hears that. I don't know what else to say. Look, I'll be positive. How old are you? 17? You're very brave. SANJAYA: Your first comment, Simon, was so far over my head. I didn't understand you. SARAHK: It took me a while, too. At first I thought "whale" and didn't get it, but then I processed with my brain, which understands homophones, being older than 17, and needed no further explanation. (Simon defines "wail" as a "scream", and Ryan explains that Simon doesn't mean anything from a marine biology standpoint. It's a very uncomfy moment, but not as uncomfy as if Diana Ross had been a large woman. Thank goodness she's as large around as a praying mantis, or Rosie O'Donnell would freak out and call American Idol "weightist" again tomorrow on The View and look like a giant fool. Haha, I can't do that without laughing. She says something every day that makes her look like a giant fool.) SARAHK: Oh, um, did I mention that was hideous? Please go home.

UPDATE: How could I forget. I think he's even worse than... dun dun dun... KELLIE PICKLER!

06 Haley Scarnato, the Queen of the Armpits, is wearing a funky deep purple maternity dress with lots of cleavage so we might forget how badly and airily she sings. Haley says they're drinking water backstage, and Ryan says pointedly that there is always Coca-Cola available. Queenie is going to sing "Missing You". Snoo-oo-oo-ooze, I'm missing hours of my life, tell me why I'm listening to this... Frank just turned to me and said, "You could sing this so much better." "I hope so! And thank you." Forgetting lots and lots of words. Wow, what is that around her thighs? The dress is like this maternity dress with lots of cleavage, but then they took this big piece of darker material and just cinched it around her thighs, with some of the dress hanging below it. Not much, because the dress only comes about two inches below her hoo-hah, but what is that thing? Frank thinks it looks like a tire. I don't know, maybe a chastity belt. RANDY: You know what I'ma say. You forgot your words. You were pitchy, which is unlike you. Dawwwg. PAULA: You look beautiful, which probably isn't what you want to hear, but hey, it's a big auditorium, and half the time the audience doesn't know you forgot the words. SARAHK: Because they're asleep, or focused on your armpits, a good distraction, or their husbands are telling them how much better they sing than you. SIMON: It wasn't that bad. SARAHK: What? It was atrocious! Did you see the outfit? SIMON: You look like a star tonight. SARAHK: Did you see the chastity belt around the waist, and the dress up to her hoo-hah? SIMON: Yes you forgot your words, but other than that it was a pretty good vocal, and I think people actually will remember you tonight. SARAHK: [...] (That means I'm speechless.) Oh, and Haley is so farklempt that she can't even stand up anymore. Forget that Paula and Randy had nothing good to say except you're pretty, but Simon said it wasn't that bad, and she's about to fall off the stage. Make sure the defib and some antiperspirant are on standby just in case, peeps, because she has lived her whole life now and can finally die because Simon has half-complimented her and her cleavy hoo-hah dress. SARAHK: It was really bad. Simon is distracted by the hoo-hah. And if I hear one more person say "It is what it is", I swear...

WH Phil Stacey. Ha, most of these reviews I wrote the first time through, and I'm just touching them up on the rewatch, but I didn't write word #1 on Phil's review. "I don't like him." Does that suffice? I think I was still writing about Haley, not bothering with the man who didn't bother with the birth of his child. I remember hearing it and thinking he sang well, but I still don't like him and his head. He's singing "I'm Gonna Make You Love Me", a song his poor child will probably have to sing to him someday just to get him to pay attention, daddy! I'm going by song title only, not delving into lyrics, because that would require yet another rewind, and like I said, I don't like him. It's a good, solid vocal. A little screechy in a couple of spots. And his head is fully uncovered. That offends my sensibilities. And at the end, they're trying to pander to the people like me who seethe with rage over the fact that he missed the birth of his child to audition for AI when there were eight audition cities, not just one audition city, because there's a poster that his friends and wife are holding, a picture of the baby that says "I'm voting for my daddy." Poor child is going to need so much therapy when he/she grows up and reads what people wrote about his/her dear old dad on the interwebs. RANDY: You get the boys' award for the night. Hot vocally. PAULA: Needs to be more uptempo, that song. SIMON: No, I think you're wrong, that was the right tempo. It was ok, a very good song choice. But when you hit the big notes, you tend to shout. So it's like you're shouting in my ear. Better than last week, that's for sure. Not awful, not great. SARAHK: Good but screechy in parts, and now I have a migraine, which probably has nothing to do with you unless your name is gluten, but I'm going to blame you for it.

08 LaKisha Jones decides she wants to be old friends with Diana Ross, so she tells her that her name is Kiki. She is singing "God Bless the Child" in a full-length white dress. I could do without all the cleavage, but other than that she looks lovely. I know I complain a lot about cleavage, I'm not oblivious to my own "Dawg"s and "You're so pretty"s. Maybe it's because I'm not a man and can walk in front of a mirror and look at boobs any time I want, or maybe it's about modesty (I am a modesty girl, I won't lie to you), but any time I see that on the girls it's an automatic demerit from me. I'm not going to slap any hands with rulers, but I am going to make them work harder for my approval to get a vote. And almost every week I feel like I should shield my eyes for fear that LaKishas EEs might plaster the screen any second now. I know it's hard to find modest apparrel these days, but it can be done. Melinda does it every week. I do it. Anyway, the singing is great until the very last note, which is very flat, and she knows it, because she cuts it short. Other than the last note and the flouncy boobs, it's a great performance. So far, second place. She finally has the fire back that she had the first night of the voting. That's good, because it was starting to look like a runaway for Melinda. RANDY: You didn't overdo it, you could do because you have the big voice, that was sensational. PAULA: (Tears.) Beautiful performer, blah blah blah, something about possessing something important. SIMON: You've either got it or you haven't got it. You've got it. You and Melinda are in a different league. SARAHK: Second place! Other than the flouncy boobs and the flat note at the end, it was outstanding. Better than I could do, of course. I voted for her once. Like I said, I give demerits for the boobs. She would have had to be flawless to come back from that and get 10 votes like Melinda did.

09 Blake Lewis. He is doing "Keep Me Hanging On". I'm angry over this. See: Brandon Rogers's song choice. Blake has gone and arranged this all electronica and synthesizery, and any minute now we will see the 'NSYNC boys ride out on their mechanical bulls and start singing "Space Cowboy", rewound '80s style (don't get me wrong, I love me some 'NSYNC and can't wait to see Joey Fatone on DWTS next week, but the key is "rewound '80s style", and when they rode the mechanical bulls onstage during their Pop Odyssey tour, even I thought that was too campy, and I was soooo not hearing any slander against my 'NSYNC boys). Dawg. I was not wit that. I appreciate that he tried to do his own thang, dawg, but 1) I'm not sure you can overdo a song any more than "Can't Hurry Love" and "Keep Me Hanging On" and "Ain't No Mountain High Enough" have been overdone. Visions of curling my hair in the locker room at the racquetball club in the '80s really are popping into my head. Seriously. No place in American Idol. These are the aughts. (That's the zero zeros, Sanjaya.) 2) The stage lighting? I felt like I was in our Karaoke Revolution game. 3) Vocally, it was fine, but that was a hideous arrangement, and I could hardly hear you over all the crappy keyboard stuff. Detention for you, Blake. RANDY: Yo yo, check it out, check it out, I'm a big fan, right? SARAHK: He didn't like it. RANDY: Let the classics be the classics, yo. There weren't enough vocals in there. SARAHK: You're the one always telling him to beatbox instead of sing. Make. Up. Your. Mind. PAULA: I saw a big difference between what Blake did and what Chris Sligh did. We saw you arranging it and stuff, and I think you could have a hit with that again. SARAHK: The vodka and the drugs tonight. Everyone who's had a hit with that song had it by 1985. SIMON: I didn't get it. It was atrocious. If you'd heard that in isolation on the radio, you wouldn't like it. You didn't sound as good as we've previously heard you. PAULA: We like Motown sound. SARAHK: And I like kitty cats.

10 Stephanie Edwards is singing "Love Hangover". I don't know this song, which is to her advantage. The problem the kids have been having tonight is that they're picking ridiculously overdone songs, songs that have been covered by every pop singer and Motown artist on the planet. This one, not so much, at least not in my world where I don't listen to Motown that much. Stephanie looks good. Paula is dancing. Stephanie seems very comfortable on the stage. She has a great voice. This is very boring, very strong and pipey. Stephanie sings the type of song that she always sings, and those aren't my kind of songs. I think she can really sing, but the smooth, mellow R&B thing is not my kind of music. The problem with it is this is probably the kind of album she would put out, because it's the same kind of song from her every week. It's the kind of artist she will be, and that's not the kind of CD I would buy. Anyway, it was good but boring. RANDY: Interesting with forgetting the words tonight. (I rewound twice and still couldn't find where she forgot the words, so she hid it well.) PAULA: Why didn't you do the fast part at the end of the song? SARAHK: I have no idea what she's talking about. This is such a nondescript song, I'm surprised anyone remembers ever hearing it before. STEPHANIE: It was just too long that way, so I had to cut it some where. SARAHK: Maybe she's like me and can only sing slow songs well. When I try to sing fast stuff, I get all out of breath. So I don't do that, lest I embarrass myself. SIMON: It felt like you sang an intro to the song. You're going to have to do better to make an impression.

11 Chris Richardson is singing "The Boss". It's not so good. The way he's dressed? Cruise ship performance. Then the camera is right in his face, so he gives a big "cheese!" smile because he doesn't know what to do. Vocally it's not awful, but it's not great. The stage performance and in and out of the audience, it's all very cruise shippy and jerky to the point of Taylor Hicks. No really, it's that jerky. And I'm a fan, so I'm not being ugly. And the outfit. Please don't do that again, ok? That's a preacher tie. *sigh* RANDY: Not my favorite performance of yours, you overdid it a bit. Interesting for me. PAULA: You nailed the blend of contemporary and back then-i-ness. Blah rah rah. SIMON: Take you and your charm and personality out of the equation, listen to the vocals, and it was dreadful. On the radio, it was terrible. SARAHK: I wouldn't call it dreadful, but it wasn't great. I thought all the personality stuff was worse than the singing this time. Thank goodness the tweenies will vote many times for you, because I like you. But I can't vote for your preacher tie.

12 Jordin Sparks. Remember I don't like her for some reason. I think it's just because she can't stop smiling no matter what she's singing. Oh thank goodness. Diana tells her to actually think about the words she's singing, and Jordin says she's going to do just that. If she gives it half an effort, I'll actually dial in a vote for her because it will make me so happy to see her stop the toothiness. Oh no. She is sitting at the edge of the stage when she starts singing. I hope she doesn't do that McPhee Knee Sing Thing. She's singing "If We Hold on Together" from A Land Before Time, because she really likes the cartoon movie songs. And she does have a good Disney movie song voice. That's not an insult. Hello, my name is Ariel. She stands about halfway through the song. I'm not crazy about the dress. It's not a good cut for her. She sounds really good, and her facial expressions actually fit the song. I'm in shock. Her voice is starting to shake on the vibrato late in the song, I think that's nerves doing it to her. But I'm going to cut her some slack and vote for her once because she's most improved. Sure, I tell you to pay attention to the words and it goes right by you. Diana Ross tells you, and you're all ears. It was very good. I'll give her 3rd place, I'm feeling generous. RANDY: I'm so impressed with you. Tonight, you just made it a 3-girl race. PAULA: Natural gift, breath of fresh air, sang your heart out, lalala. SIMON: It was a little bit gooey. Very, very good vocal. And absolutely you've put yourself in with a chance of being in the finals.

02 Melinda**********
08 LaKisha*
12 Jordin*
03 Chris Sligh**********
WH Phil
04 Gina**********
10 Stephanie
09 Blake
11 Chris Richardson
01 Brandon
06 Haley
05 Sanjaya

Hrm. Prediction. Sanjaya is still going to stick around. I don't know how. And even though Simon's reverse psychology thing with Haley (oh, along with her bad performance) is going to knock her into the bottom three where she belongs, I predict that Brandon will get the ax tomorrow night. Bottom three: Haley, Brandon, Stephanie.

04... Haley Scarnato, Queen of the Armpits, used to be a gymnast but eventually dislocated both shoulders and turned to singer. A natural progression. Also perhaps an explanation for the excessive hi-fiving of the camera. Or maybe she dislocated the shoulders practicing her singing techniques in front of the mirror. I turned to Frank the first time we watched through this and said, "How did I not make it onto this show and she's on?" She's doing "If My Heart Had Wings" by Faith Hill, one of Faith's most nondescript songs, and one of her easiest to sing. She still managed to sing it with zero oomph. Haley does not have a strong voice at all. Even Alaina had a stronger voice mechanically. She just had no air in her lungs. But Haley has no vocal chords, she's all air and fakery... how do I explain?

As a singer, I think of it this way. In my lower register, I'm in my throaty voice. Like a bow dragging across a cello, except not as pretty because I'm better with the high stuff. That's where I'm gravelly, could go hoarse if I stay too long in that range. Plus, if I'm too low, I'm a little airy. Then there's my middle voice where it's no voice at all, it's all faking and just bouncing around off the walls and vocal chords with as much air as I can muster and hoping no one notices that I'm not actually dragging anything across the chords at all, I'm just blowing air across them. I think I have about three notes in the middle voice fakery range. Then there's my upper voice, my head voice. That's my power range. My second soprano stuff up to about an E-flat, which is my very best note. Then there's my falsetto, which is strong up to a point, probably B-flat, then it gets all airy and suffocated and screechy. But at least I know my range. I sing outside of it to stretch myself in the privacy of my home, but I know my limits in public. /boring singer discourse.

Haley is all middle voice fakery. No voice. I really think she made it through on her looks. RANDY: Pretty much in tune, no YO factor, interesting song choice. PAULA: I think that's the kind of song you sing well. You look great. SIMON: I thought it was horrible. Ghastly high school musical. Halfway through the song, I told Paula I don't know your name. RANDY: No YO. SARAHK: Yo Yo Ma. PAULA: Her name is Haley. SIMON: What's her surname? PAULA: Her what? [She asked it like that, like he asked something offensive. What's a surname was going through her mind. What's a surname, and this is a family show. I have morals!] RYAN: Haley Scarnato. So. Give us an idea. How tough is it to listen to comments like that? HALEY: Clock in, clock out. I've had bad comments every week. PAULA: Nuh-uh! HALEY: Well, not from everyone. Simon doesn't like me though. SIMON: I like you, but what could be your final performance, you didn't do yourself any favors with that song. SARAHK: I'm soooo bored! RYAN: Does she have a chance for the top 12, Paula? PAULA: Blibberdy blinkidy blick! Anybody's game ya ya sisterhood! SARAHK: Pack up.

05... Stephanie Edwards has been singing forever. Like since she was a kid. I'm in shock! She looks like a birthday gift with those weird satin blue stripes on her dress. I'm not on board with it. She's singing "Sweet Thang" by Chaka Khan, whom Randy only ever calls "Chaka", because you know, he must know her or something. Old friends. I have to tell you, this is not good either. She's pitchy, dawg. Missing a ton of low notes, I can't hear those. Getting pretty yelly and screechy near the end. Seems like she's off with the band at one point? Maybe. She's all over the place here. She's really flat in a couple of spots. I'm not feeling her tonight. Wow. RANDY: A for valiant effort. I hear my friend Chaka in my head. Be careful not to copycat. I don't know, man. PAULA: Darn near flawless. But watch falling behind the beat a little. Great showmanship. SIMON: No question, you're one of the best. You tend to be a little copycat. You've 100% done enough to get to the top 12. RYAN: Does she have the YO factor? RANDY: Definitely, but Chaka done sung Chaka. It can't be sung no more. Pick different songs. SARAHK: That was your only bad performance to date. And all your songs are starting to sound alike. Please mix it up a little. But you definitely deserve to be in the top 12.

06... LaKisha Jones is next and says that she is terrified of all animals. I'm out. When she goes to people's houses, she asks them to lock up their dogs and even cats. Did I mention I'm out? She might as well have said that she hates children, minorities, and the blind while she was at it. Or loves illegal immigration and gun control. Asks people to lock up their cats. Pfeh. She's singing "I Have Nothing" by Randy's friend Whitney. She looks pretty, dressed in a nice black dress and black knee boots. Silver and rhinestone jewelry. Hair is flat and long. Ok, already LaKisha is turning into Ruben Studdard for me. She didn't even do the key change? For me that was boring and nothing I haven't heard a million times before. It's like she had the one song from Dreamgirls a couple of weeks ago and then didn't have a plan B or plan C. I mean, it was a good vocal, but last week and this week, she has brought no emotion, no feeling to the stage. I'm bored with her already. RANDY: Not your best, but another great one by the great LaKisha. You're our pimped preordained winner! PAULA: You're the next American Idol! LAKISHA'S AUNT: That's my niece! That's my niece! SIMON: What you've brought that the others lacked is passion, talent, believability... RANDY: YO. SARAHK: I'm sorry, did we watch the same performance? I thought I was watching a more talented, prettier, and smaller breasted Ruben. SIMON: And tonight you look beautiful. RYAN: Auntie and Mama need their own show. LAKISHA: I told them don't act up.

07... Gina Glocksen is next. She carries good luck charms. A troll and a stuffed pickle. La la la la la la. She looks great, she's in her edgy clothes to match her edgy hair and her tongue bolt. She's singing "Call Me When You're Sober" by Evanescence. Perfect song choice, IMAO. And what lovely and talented snarker told her to do Evanescence? Yes, that was me, and when you make the top 12, Gina, you may thank me. You're welcome. She sounds great, she's in tune, she owns the stage, she's completely comfortable in her skin, in her clothes, her makeup. I loved this performance. She owned it. RANDY: Finally the real Gina. You rocked out. PAULA: I agree, but don't oversing. This is definitely your style of music. SIMON: You enjoyed that, didn't you? This is the girl we wanted in the competition. You tended to scream the song, but I genuinely hope you make it through to next week. You're a breath of fresh air. GINA: Thank you! SIMON: Pleasure. [a wink] SARAHK: Aww! A moment! I might cry too! Except I'm cranky, so not likely. But anyway, I loved it, and I called in and voted for you at least ten times. I lost count, but I know it was at least ten. GINA: That's the Simon I love! RYAN: You have such a great personality! SARAHK: She is not ugly. GINA: I think I just needed to hear Simon say that last week, and I'm so much more comfortable now. SARAHK: BTW, you also get the Most Improved trophy for the week.

08... Melinda Doolittle admits not to having a little bit of OCD but to giving things equal opportunity. Chew food on one side, chew the same # of times on the other side. Step on a crack with one foot, step on it with the other. The kids love the Peggy Lee this season. Melinda is singing "I'm a Woman". This is excellent. She is in full control. This is probably a slightly more difficult song than Gina's, so I probably have to call her the winner of the night by a hair. She looks great, too. Energetic, pointed, soulful. LaKisha, take notes. RANDY: Hottest of the night. Consummate pro. You need to be in the studio making a record. WHAT! PAULA: You're so phenomenal, likeable, loveable, pom pom poodle! SIMON: You little tiger! I thought we had a pussycat! I loved that! It's very nice that you're actually enjoying being on the show. We're definitely going to see you next week. SARAHK: I'm about to nickname you The Silent Thanker if you don't start thanking the judges out loud for their stellar remarks in your direction. You always smile, blink, and nod, and I think you try to mouth the words, but they aren't coming out. Why don't you give it a shot. Anyway, yeah, I'll give you the blue ribbon tonight. Yet again. You're starting to hog them all, though, aren't you? Mind playing nice with the other girls, Melinda?

The order tonight...

08 Melinda** (voted for her twice)
07 Gina********** (voted for her at least 10 times)
06 LaKisha
01 Jordin
02 Sabrina
05 Stephanie
03 Antonella
04 Haley (hard to decide last place, but the armpits give her the edge)

Melinda and Gina were the only ones worth voting for. Who goes home? Antonella and Haley aren't even in the same league with the other girls. No doubt. But this is American Idol, not American Best Singer. It's possible that I'm worrying too much over Stephanie, because maybe people who don't know music (like the vote-happy teenagers -- I'm not vote-happy, I only voted 10 times for Gina, so shut up) won't have heard how bad that performance was and will vote for her anyway. She definitely deserves to be in the top 12. She's consistently been one of the best. Sabrina's song choices get worse every week, and I wonder if America is seeing the trend along with me and will want to run far far away. I hope not, because she's good too. I'd be perfectly ok with Jordin leaving, and after the song she did tonight, so underwhelming, it is a possibility... But maybe America will wise up and stop the madness. I'm going to hope against hope and predict that Antonella and Haley finally get their long overdue walking papers.

Kate and Sayid pretend with Eyepatchy for a little while, and finally he says let's stop playing this little game. Yes, LOST, let's stop pretending that you know where this show is going. But now that Kate and Sawyer are out of the monkey house, we're having a little fun again.

Oh yeah, the guy that captured and tortured Sayid in his past for Sayid allegedly torturing his wife, that's the guy from Crash who tried to shoot the locksmith with blanks. Sorry if I ruined that for anyone.

Locke's kind of an obsessive idiot, no? Let's push all the buttons just to see what they do.

Sawyer has turned into one of my favorite characters.

I agree with Rousseau and Eyepatchy. Kill Eyepatchy. But Sayid is too soft.

I told Frank that if Locke beat the chess game, the house would blow up. I was right. I could write any JJ Abrams show. Even though he doesn't write most of the episodes. Too easy.

Simon is wearing charcoal yet again. And Ryan says that on Thursday they will announce one of the most important events in Idol history. Wooooo. Maybe they're announcing that Paula will, for the first time ever, do a show sober. And Simon will wear pale blue. Ryan will do unscripted banter, and Randy will refrain from namedropping for a whole show. It's a HUGE Idol event. Don't miss the big announcement. Hopefully bigger than the Idol "challenge".

And this week, the contestants are supposed to tell something revealing about themselves. In other words, let's all say it together, it's no fair for Antonella to have the upper hand. She's getting all the limelight, and she's one of the worst singers left (please let her leave with miss Armpits and Hi-Fives this week). Oh dear. Sanjaya ironed his hair tonight. I can't take it. If "Mark Johnson" and "Mary Smith" from the Indian call centers across "America" keep this kid around for the top twelve, I might die of exhaustion. He's so boring to watch that I'm physically tired by the end of every one of his performances. I keep physically willing him from my couch to do something. ANYTHING. No. He just stands there and sways awkwardly with his My Little Pony hair and Nicole Ritchie body inside his oversized clothes. Someone get the kid some jeans that fit. I'll buy them. I will. Well, I'll take up a collection, because I can't be the only one who wants him to not wear balloons on his legs.

Ok, fine. To the performances.

01... Blake Lewis wants you to know that he is completely retarded. He likes to put on masks and play-act like he's Kellie Pickler and do improv, and that's just weird, y'all. He sings a 311 song called "All Mixed Up" that I don't know. I don't particularly like this kind of music, but I find myself smiling most of the time anyway. That's a definite plus for this kid. I also like that he replaced the curse words with beatbox effects or other vocal effects or whatever it is he does. I mean, it's mandatory on AI, I'm sure, but he seemed comfy doing that. RANDY: That's hot. I'm not going to pretend to know the song today like I normally do. That's hot dawg. PAULA: I don't know the song either, yay! You're cool. SIMON: I didn't understand a word, but you'll be here next week. SARAHK: I like you, Kellie Pickler impersonation notwithstanding. You're through to the top 12.

Ryan asks Sundance about all the wah-hahing on the results show and says that Simon says it's artificial. Sundance says no way, I didn't even know the cameras were on me, I promise! I totally would have hidden my tears and my glycerin fo' sho'! And he blames Chris Richardson. What, was he holding onions up under your face? Lame. Simon is hard-rolling his eyes.

WH... Sanjaya Malakar is next, and I am officially withholding his number now. He is sucking the life right out of me, through my DVR, peeps! How can a 17 year-old boy do that? By being teh suck week in and week out, that's how. It's not his voice, that's fine. Dull dull dull. Sanjaya thinks you would be surprised to learn that he can hula. No, Sanjaya, not that surprised. Also not surprised that those rockin' red azaleas behind you (are they azaleas? because wow, those are the most beautiful azaleas I've ever seen) are far more exciting than your hulaing self. UPDATE: Bougainvillea. Awesome bougainvillea. We have it here in Florida, but it's usually purple. You can't even hula with oomph. Snore. Sanjaya is singing that dreadfully dull John Mayer song (I heart John Mayer, but this is about his dullest song), "Waiting on the World to Change", which is one of the stupidest songs I've ever heard. Yes, let's just wait, ok? Don't do anything at all, mkay? Sit on your bright shiny butt. The song says something about wanting to bring everyone home from war and get the ribbons off the doors and get rid of the terrorists with sunshine and puppies. Let's do! Let's just wait and see what happens. These songs are so stupid. That's the problem with the kids. Don't vote either, will you? Please. Anyway, he actually tries to stretch his voice for a note or two, so I applaud that, but it's still a snoozer. Please go. And give Gina Glocksen her hair back. RANDY: Better than last week, but that doesn't say much. You haven't returned to form from when we first saw you, and that wasn't even that great. PAULA: Yibbidy do wah debado lalala. Keep learning from the older guys. Keep raising your game. I'm trying not to be rude. SIMON: The hula hoops and Paula hairstyle don't do anything for me. It wasn't as ghastly as last week. SARAHK: Go. Please. Out. RYAN: Either Paula or Sanjaya has hair extensions, and I don't know which. SARAHK: Go.

03... Sundance says we'd be surprised to know he's skinny. I'd be surprised to know that's not an Ent on your face. Nice to see you did learn about the beard trimmer kits, though. America appreciates your kindness. Sundance is singing "Jeremy" by Pearl Jam. His voice is kind of shaking in the beginning of the song. The middle he hits his stride, and the end is fine. I've never been able to understand this song, so I go look at the lyrics, and ??? I have to rewind and see if he cleaned up that lyric. Oh ok, he did. Anyway, I thought it was fine, not too bad. Not that great. RANDY: Pitchy in spots, but yay for southern rocking on a Pearl Jam joint. Oh. Randy called it a "joint". EYE ROLL FROM SARAHK. PAULA: Midway through, you pulled it out. Sundance applauds her assessment. No joke. SIMON: Generic bar singer, indulgent choice of song, sounded like you were shouting the whole song. SARAHK: What's with trying to pull off Blake's hairstyle? You can't. It was fine, but I don't appreciate what word I saw when I looked up the lyrics to your dumb song. Seacrest does a Larry King impersonation when Simon tells him he's not Larry King.

Oh, I forgot to say that one reason Blake makes me smile is he kind of reminds me, in his mannerisms, of Jason Mraz. The way he is on stage. Even though I've not seen Mraz on stage more than maybe once. But I've listened to so many of Mraz's live performances, and I can see/hear Blake Lewis sitting down with a mic, maybe a guitar, and a Toca next to him.

Wow, Travis Tritt is about half the size he used to be, right?

04... Chris Richardson used to be forty pounds heavier and played football in college. He's singing Keith Urban's "Cry". It's pretty bad at the beginning, a lot of pitch problems. He gets a lot better when he stands up. This seemed awful short to me, like he was only singing for thirty seconds. Something that bugs me to no end about this song? "There's pictures of you and I on the wall." I don't mind the "There's pictures..." -- poetic license and whatnot. But there is no reason that Keith couldn't have said "There's pictures of you and me on the wall." That drives me nuts. Rarr. Anyway, he did not blow me away at all tonight, but I still smiled and all that. It was an "eh" for me, safe and all that. But good enough to get him into the top twelve. RANDY: Yay! You're in it to win it! Full blast! PAULA: Nice! SIMON: Not jumping out of my chair, cutesy, your voice was nasally. Timid, safe, but you sold it. Anyone else, that might be a problem. SARAHK: Eh. But you'll be fine. I like you. RYAN: How'd you lose the weight? SIMON: Leave the poor boy alone and stick to the singing. RYAN: Let the old men judge, let the young men interview.

Oh yay! Jared is going to sing Stevie just for me! Y'all know how I loves me some Stevie Wonder on American Idol.

WH... Jared Cotter's number is withheld for sure. Jared thinks we might be surprised that he played division 2 basketball. Yes, eight-foot tall black guy with giant white tennisshoes? I'm in shock. You know, after all the ruining of Stevie that American Idol contestants have done, I might not like Stevie Wonder himself anymore. Oh, I can't bear all the hamming Carlton does to the cameras. To the wrong cameras. Y'all notice that? He's always looking at the wrong camera. And then right before he turns away to the next camera, the camera that he's making passionate love to finally catches up with him. I want to vomit and take ten showers after he and his giant shoes take the stage. I didn't even bother to listen to what song he was singing. As soon as I hear "Stevie", I'm out. I just know it was nasally and screechy for me, dawg. And he bolts around the stage like he's playing basketball. Dribbling one end to the other and back. Long strides. Stomping. Ick. RANDY: I'm gonna say "joint" again, because that's my word of the night! Stevie "joint"! Randy must be craving a joint or trying to hint that Paula smoked one or something. Yo, it was good! PAULA: This is just my opinion... SARAHK: I thought that was your job... PAULA: Energy is one thing, singing on key is great, but blah blah blah. SIMON: Not very original. But you're popular. I'm slightly disappointed overall tonight. That was not the wow factor. RYAN: Do you think he belongs in the top 12, Paula? Randy? PRANDY: Yeah, sure. SARAHK: Come on, ask Simon! I say no! Go home with your smarmy shoes!

06... Brandon's reveal is that he plays classical piano, and that is the first of the surprises this evening that actually surprises me. And this draws me in and makes me like him better. And he's singing "I Just Want to Celebrate" by Rare Earth. I actually thought this was pretty good. RANDY: It was good. You messed up the end. SARAHK: I didn't think he messed up the end. I rewound. Didn't hear the messed-up run that you're talking about. PAULA: Phenomenal. SIMON: You didn't represent yourself well. Not a memorable song, not enough melody. SARAHK: One of your better performances of late, actually. I dug it, ok? I'm not ashamed of that. So y'all shut up.

WH... Phil Stacey, whose wife is far more devoted to him than he deserves, is trying to tell everyone that he's bald because he chooses to be. But seeing pictures of him with long hair, I have to say there is no good choice here. I will say that this song choice is horrible for him. This is awful for his low range, too high for even his falsetto, because when he goes up to his falsetto he's struggling even with that. He's singing Leann Rimes's "I Need You". When I heard he was singing a Leann Rimes song, I thought this would be good, because typically on AI when the singers sing a song of the opposite sex, they can't be compared to the original and they have a much better chance. But this was just a trainwreck. Horrible. Nothing about it was good. And the hat. But he can't go hatless, either. That is not advisable. What is advisable is a different hat. RANDY: Interesting song choice. Name drop! Your voice reminds me of this guy I used to be in a band with, Steve Perry from Journey (just in case anyone doesn't know which band Steve Perry would be in). SARAHK: That's an offensive comparison. RANDY: It was a'ight. PAULA: Your low range is really bad. Song choice bad. SIMON: I didn't get it. Hat, big eyes, I didn't get it. The whole thing was odd. Strange choice of song. Disappointing night. Not good enough, sorry. RYAN: Do you think it was the right song choice? PHIL: Obviously not. All three of them agree. RYAN: If you make it, will you squint next week? SARAHK: You were so awful I might get my wish.

Thursday night, Carrie Underwood will perform. Awesome. I heart her.

08... Chris Sligh used to have a shaved head. Now he has the lush curls. You know, he's quieted his humor ever since that whole Teletubbies thing. I wish he would bring it back. Yes, he's a great singer, but we like the whole package. He shouldn't be timid. I'm not saying take potshots at Simon, but even in these little clips he can go back to his regularly scheduled funny. Anyway, he's singing "Wanna Be Loved" by DC Talk. I once knew a radio DJ who stole his DJing name from one of the DC Talk band members, if I'm not mistaken. They're a Christian rock group, I think. I'm enjoying this. Easily the best performance of the night, but that doesn't say much, because this has been another stinker from the guys. What is with them? Yes, the whole song is good, he's great. RANDY: Best vocal of the night. PAULA: Oh boy. Not my favorite performance. Rise above. Stretch more, take some risks. CHRIS: I'm trying to build and get better each week. SIMON: Beginning was good, you shouted in the middle. But you've definitely done enough to get through to the top 12. SARAHK: He would have to have drunk Paula's entire vodka stash and crawled out onstage, whispered the entire song, then thrown up at the end to not make it to the top 12 with how lousy the guys were tonight. CHRIS: I like the sentiment of the song, I feel like it's something America could identify with. SARAHK: He listens to me. I say don't tick off us red staters with unpatriotic crap like the Dixie Chicks, because we vote like mad, so he comes back with something he thinks us nutters will identify with. CHRIS: I apologize for not picking the right song, blah blah blah. SARAHK: Stop with the apologizing. You're starting to annoy with the nice guy bit. Simon is looking put out, because he thinks you're patronizing him. You're not, but you apologize too much, so it's starting to feel like you're patronizing. Stop it.

So the order:

08 Chris Sligh*
06 Brandon Rogers*
04 Chris Richardson*
01 Blake Lewis*
03 Sundance Head
WH Jared Cotter
WH Sanjaya Malakar
WH Phil Stacey

Phil was awful. Jared was screechy and made horrible vomitous faces. Sanjaya was a dud yet again, and maybe America can see through that finally. Brandon made major improvements tonight. Safe: Chris, Chris, Sundance, Blake. For consistently awful and/or boring performances, Sanjaya and Jared deserve to go. But Phil really tanked tonight, so I think Sanjaya might eek into the top 12 past an early (though not much early) exiting Phil. I predict Jared can't survive his ginormous feet for another week. Phil and Jared go.

I'm Linderman.

02... Alaina is dedicating to her mom, who worked four jobs to support her kids. She wants to be able to give back to and provide for her mom. Mom is crying in the audience. Alaina looks gorgeous. The dress is perfect, way better than the ugly ensemble of last week. Blue is an awesome color on her. Hair is excellent, as always. First bit is good. Oh, this is that song? She's singing "Not Ready to Make Nice" or whatever the angry mad rant fest song is called. Ok, it's the first time I'm hearing the entire song. I've only ever heard the one line of the chorus that they play over and over, because see, I listen to country stations, and they don't play the Dixie Chicks on my station, and I'm fine with that. So I just hear it on TV commercials and whatnot. Anyway, the more of the song I hear, the more annoyed I get that she picked this song. Oh no, it's really out of tune. But I was trying to listen to the words to see what all the fuss is about and hung up on the fact that she was making these ridiculous facial expressions to let us, America, know that she really means it. I really mean it, y'all. I'm mad as H-E-double-hockey-sticks! So now I have to go back and relisten so I can give her a fair judging. First... hang on... let me just get my duct tape and put it around my head so my head doesn't explode a second time... there... we... go. Ok, yeah, that was out of tune like I thought the first time. She was out of breath in several spots. And I think a lot of people are going to be offended by her song choice. Like me. I'm offended by her artist choice. What's the big deal about patriotism? Alaina probably doesn't read the news and have any idea the kind of crap that comes out of Natalie's mouth, though. Anyway, Randy says wow, it was pitchy. Not good, dawg. Paula, who was dancing the whole time, says it was a little out of tune but not as bad as the Dawg says. Simon says it was like Randy running a 100 meter dash or something. You ran out of steam 3/4 of the way through. That sounds right to me.

03... Lakisha is next, and she dedicates to her Grama. Grama is in LUV with Ryan Seacrest. That judgment notwithstanding (oh, I'm just playin'). What is she wearing? Short denim skirt that doesn't work for her. Big oversized orange sweater. And leopard print heels. Nothing matches, her hair is very blah and pasted to her head. Her outfit looks like she wants to get noticed on the boulevard (I'm sorry, I love her too, but it must be said, because it must be prevented from ever happening again), while her hair makes me think she wants to hide in a cave and never be seen by anyone again. It's a little befuddling. Anyway, she's doing "Midnight Train to Georgia". Paris did this last year, and I don't remember particularly enjoying it, but I could be wrong. I have to keep it real, y'all, this is really boring. She has a phenomenal voice, and I feel like she went safe and boring tonight. She seemed nervous, so I don't think she went to the Studdard School of Sloth, but if she wasn't born with a huge voice, she'd be practically unnoticeable tonight. RANDY: That was hot. You were nervous in the beginning. Don't be nervous. PAULA: Remember, you're Lakisha. Woo hoo! SIMON: Interesting dance at the end. Not as good as last week. You didn't come out thinking you're a big star this week. The outfit is distracting, I don't like it. I think you're a phenomenal singer, but I'm saying as nicely as possible that I don't like the outfit. RYAN: You don't like salmon? SIMON: It's orange. SARAHK: And hookery. You were safe and boring, and I agree with Simon on the outfit. You have a huge voice, but if you rest on your laurels, someone's going to use your laurels as a stepstool and vault right over your head. Mwah. Love ya.

04... Melinda Doolittle dedicates her performance to her "Gails". She's Oprah, they're her Gails. One is her vocal coach, and the other is a stylist. She hates to shop, just like me. She's singing "My Funny Valentine", and first words out of my mouth: Can y'all please stop doing the same songs over and over?! Do songs no one else has done on this show! Anyway, it can't possibly be the horror show that it was when Constantine did it a couple of years ago, so I don't know why I'm worried, I guess I'm just thinking that they've got soooo many songs to choose from, and they keep picking ones they've heard someone else do on the show? Do something else. Y'all have no idea how many automatic booster credits Chris Richardson got before "Geek in the Pink" ever started last night. Jason Mraz on American Idol, that was my dream come true!

On with the singing. She looks great, standard Melinda clothing. Denim jacket, jeans, red blouse, cute jewelry. Red shoes. The singing is fantastic. Fantastic. Far better than what Lakisha did just now. No crazy dancing antics, either. Just amazing vocals, good stage presence, and I'm very pleased. So is Simon, because he is grinning. RANDY: Yo, we have a competition. You're in it to win it. You came out here, you and Lakisha -- um, why do you even need to mention the previous singer, she's not onstage right now. You wouldn't do that when Lakisha is singing, so you shouldn't do that to another contestant. PAULA: You're a beautiful butterfly with vocal wings. SIMON: The best vocal we've had throughout the competition. We've had precocious monsters on this show, and I don't think you're one of them. You don't know how good you are, and I don't think you'd change if you won. You're a breath of fresh air and a sweet little lollypop. That was fantastic. RYAN: Was it easier this week? MELINDA: Sure. (Not convincingly. She's really cute.) SARAHK: I love her. And she didn't smile through the pain this week.

Antonella is singing Celine after the break. I have no faith that she can do it. Sorry.

05... Antonella is wearing an interesting dress, but I think I actually love this dress. She dedicates to her brother. And she put that beautiful hair back down. She looks great. She's singing "Because You Loved Me". Pitchy at the beginning. I do not like the arrangement. It confused me and made me think she forgot the words until I figured out that it was just an awful arrangement. It did not work for me. Sad Tivo note: Right at the the one spot where she could shine during the song, we had a DVR glitch, and I could see her sing but not hear her. So I have no idea if that went well. Eh, she has a pretty voice, but she's just not up to caliber with a lot of the other girls here, and she shouldn't have gone for a huge Celine song. However, she was improved a bit from last week, just because I don't think it could be any worse than last week. But she might get to stick around, because she didn't completely botch the song, unless she did so during my Tivo glitch. RANDY: Dude, it was pitchy all over the place. The song was too big for you. But you look good. SARAHK: You know you're in trouble when it's not even Paula that goes to the look factor. PAULA: Not even 1% of America can sing like Celine. THE COLLECTIVE: Whew! SARAHK: Y'all shut up, I love Celine! She's just a little koo-koo. But her voice is awesome, so I say again, shut up. PAULA: It was much better than last week, so rah rah, sis boom bah. SIMON: Wrong song, and I thought it was worse than last week. ANTONELLA THE STUPID: I'm going to take Paula's criticism, because Simon was wrong about Jennifer Hudson, so he can be wrong about me. SARAHK: What an idiot. He is going to eat her alive. SIMON: Let me be clear. I did not kick Jennifer Hudson off of American Idol. We three put her on the show, and America did not vote for her. If America disagrees with me, they'll keep you around another week. SARAHK: She's no Jennifer Hudson. And I voted for her. RYAN: I don't know if we have a break scheduled, but we need one. SARAHK: Yes, someone needs a reprimand.

06... Jordin dedicates all the love in her heart to her younger brother. She's singing Christina's "Reflection" from Mulan. She looks gorgeous in that turquouise color. And aww, she read what I wrote about her last week and paying attention to her lyrics! Good girl. The vocal was rough in spots, off-key several places, but in other places it was outstanding. So I'll say it was inconsistently grand? She seemed nervous and really emotional, and oh no, she's crying when she's done. Get me a box of tissues and a Nicholas Sparks book, will you? *sniff* She's crying almost as much as I did Monday after I nearly got flattened by a semi on the highway. Seriously, sweetie, perspective. Near-death v. singing a cartoon movie song. *sniff* again. RANDY: Not the best you've done, but still really good. PAULA: You're infectious. I have the Jordin Infection. Now will you get me a vodka, love? I'm out. You're gonna be in this competition for a long time. Now the vodka? SIMON: Not your best, but you're 17, you have massive potential, but I think the dedications are getting to you. RYAN: She's irresistible. SARAHK: For men who like girls. Wink wink. That is so RUDE, SarahK. Oh, you know I love you, Ryan. It's all in love. It was inconsistently grand. Now go wipe your nose and watch a chick flick. Get it out of your system before next week, for the love of pete.

Oh yay! Kellie Pickler will be on the results show tomorrow night! The good thing is, if she sings, it will make all the losers going home sound great. If she doesn't sing, it will be fine, because she has that cute fake personality. I love her act, it's cute.

07... Stephanie Edwards is singing "Dangerously in Love" by Beyonce. Finally, something new! The good thing is, I've never heard the original. She looks gorgeous in a long white dress with metallic accents, nice earrings. Thankfully no Beyonce clothing, because most of Beyonce's clothing choices are unfortunate. I don't particularly enjoy this kind of music, but she is singing her pinkytoe off, and I think she's remarkable. I'll have to go back and rewatch to see who is best between her and Melinda when I do my recap, because she is throwing down tonight, just like she did last week. There's one note with all the excessive trilling that she kind of botches, but it's almost not noticeable, and she redeems herself quickly and has a fantastical ending. If you like that kind of music. I don't, but I'll live through it. RANDY: You look hot, you sang your face off. Don't be so Beyonce. I mean, I love her, but do your own thing. That was so much better than last week. SARAHK: She was excellent last week. RANDY: I mean, and you were great last week. SARAHK: He keeps saying that to the ladies tonight. I think he's drinking the Paula juice tonight and keeps forgetting that the girls were pretty good last week, and he's just using the standard comments that he used for the guys last night because he stayed out too late partying or something and didn't have time to come up with a new script for tonight. PAULA: I disagree with you. You were fantastic, brilliant. So many people will be in love with you, just like Beyonce. SIMON: I agree with Paula. You're not just taking part, it was terrific. RYAN: What's wrong with Beyonce? RANDY: Nothing. I love her, NAME DROP. (Paula and Simon go to sleep.) Blah blah blah. SARAHK: I'M BORED, let's move on. She was great.

08... Leslie Hunt is singing Nina Simone, dedicated to her dead Grampa. She's very bohemianly attired, which probably suits her more than the oversized boots she wore last week. She tells Ryan she's going to dance around on the stage less tonight. That's good, because I don't think The Spastic is going to be the next big thing to catch on with the kids. Oh, she's singing that "Feeling Good" song that AJ sang last night. Well, I'm embarrassed to say that I never heard it before last night if it's a Nina Simone song. Y'all may berate me accordingly for that in the comments. I deserve it.

Here are Leslie's problems: 1) She has a much smaller voice than a lot of the other girls up there, no doubt. That will hurt her, because with all the girls in the competition right now, she will need a big voice to make a big enough impression to make the top six. I don't think she'll make the top six. 2) Her hair doesn't help. Sorry, it's fine for an everyday person, but it's pencil straight. That doesn't work for someone trying to make the most lasting impression, or for a celebrity for that matter (I'm looking at you, Queen Gwyneth). It's coming off as mousy and in need of a deep conditioning. Two words (maggie katzen will disagree wholeheartedly here, but she starts with curly hair, so don't listen to her): Garnier Fructis. 3) She really just looks so stinking uncomfortable onstage. I'm the same way, so I can relate. It's mostly her shoulders. She moves her shoulders like she's trying to conspicuously hint that she really needs a shoulder rub. There's no fluidity in her body movements at all. 4) I don't want to say this. She's what, 24? She looks 35. So an old fogey like me won't discard her for that, but the junior high and high school crowd are going to completely ignore her, because she, like, looks as old as their Aunt Jennifer (yes, the 35 year-olds are named Jennifer now. That makes me feel ancient.)! And I know that is so wrong, but that's how it is.

You can see her bra right through the back of her shirt. I mean the shape of the bra. She sings the song fine, and she's better than last week, or at least she must be, because all I can remember about last week is that she wore those awful boots. No wait, I remember what she sang, and yes, this is better. Nothing exciting for me. And she's scatting at the end, and the scatting is ok, but not fantastic, and not as good as Blake's scatting from last night, though her song choice is much better than the atrocity he picked. RANDY: Glad you did jazz, dawg. Pitchy. Just a'ight, but I love the a capella beginning. SARAHK: A capella means no instruments. There were strings lightly hanging out in the background. But who am I to correct someone who has worked with Beyonce? PAULA: You're being you. SIMON: The scatting sounds like Paula talking. I'm kidding. Your problem is the big voices that came before you. Better than last week, but not many people are going to remember you. PAULA: She's a different ice cream flavor! SIMON: Four raspberry ripples tonight, she's a vanilla. SARAHK: I've never had raspberry ripple. Is that good? It sounds yummy. RYAN: Simon is a sorbet. SARAHK: Can we finish with the ice cream analogies and return to where this was a singing competition?

09... Haley Scarnato. Can we skip to the end? Whoops, did I let out that she's not my favorite? Everything about her seems like an airbrushed cheerleader, and she does not do anything for me when she's singing, so I am ready for this to be over. Especially knowing that she's doing Whitney. Brace yourselves. She's dedicating to her most wonderful fiance. Haha, she's singing "Queen of the Night". No, I'm serious, y'all. And she keeps raising her arms so we can check out her armpits. How many armpit views do we need? And she does this thing where she gives the camera a high five all the time. RANDY: Wasn't great for me, dawg. Vocally not on point. Is better than last week. SARAHK: That's like saying Paula is more coherent than she was on that Seattle morning show. PAULA: Sooo much better than last week. SIMON: A for effort, you really tried. But if you take on a Whitney song, you do it at your peril. You're one of two or three very vulnerable girls tonight. SARAHK: I agree. Before I ever knew what she was singing, I had her pegged as going home. I'll let you know after I do my lineup. It was loud and dancy with not a lot of singy. Stop crying. Ask Jordin if you can borrow a tissue.

10... Sabrina Sloan. She dedicates to her Grama. She is singing "All the Man I Need". She's kind of a nasally singer, isn't she? She's doing her own thing with the song, and that makes me happy, because with a Whitney song, that's the only way you can survive on this show. I think the end is great. She's a little screechy right before the end, but the end is good. I think she was a little better last week, but still great this week. RANDY: Lost touch with the pitch in a couple of spots, that's my new way of saying pitchy, dawg. But very nice overall. Big song. Big voice. PAULA: You showed your voice last week. Dolphin clap! Bravo! SIMON: I don't like the song choice. I preferred you last week. Don't confuse shouting with power. She's a great singer, but I wasn't jumping out my chair this week. But you'll be back next week. SARAHK: Yes, don't screech and yell, but I liked what you did with the song when you made it your own, dawg. I like her pretty well. Oh, and lose some of the nasal bit, would you? I just noticed that and it bothers me.

My order tonight:

04 Melinda Doolittle*
07 Stephanie Edwards*
10 Sabrina Sloan*
03 LaKisha Jones* - she was really boring. really.
06 Jordin Sparks*
01 Gina Glocksen*
08 Leslie Hunt
05 Antonella Barba
09 Haley Scarnato
02 Alaina Alexander

Ok, so to the predictions. I'm so nervous, seeing how I'm 4 for 4 this season. Thank you, thank you. Don't applaud. Just throw money. Anyway. On the girl side... I think Antonella sticks it out this week. I'm sorry, but she's like Sanjaya with that crazy inexplicable fanbase. And she's gotten a ton of extra publicity this week, so... she'll stay in one more week. But if she makes it to the top 12, that's just wrong. I think Alaina had a shot to pull herself up and skate past Antonella, Haley, and Leslie, but she blew it. Not only did she botch the song she sang, she picked a song that will tick off a lot of people, and they'll just roll their eyes and say no thanks. So I think she's out for sure. And it's not because America is trying to silence the Dixie Chicks, the bunch of evil fascists that we are. It's because we get to make our choices, too. You choose a polarizing song and sing it poorly? Not doing yourself any favors, love. Leslie or Haley... well... Haley is annoying and a bit on the phony side, plus those of us who can sing are kind of wondering how she made the top 24. She badly covered Celine Dion, then picked the Whitney song she would most likely be covered by background vocals in... is the rest of America as tired of her as I am? But the worst part? The hi-fives to the camera and the armpit stares. That's why I think she'll go home, and Leslie will stick it out one more week.

On the guy side. I wrote this yesterday in the comments: i'm sorry to tell you, there's no way that Sanjaya is leaving this week. last week, they said he was in the top 4 of the guys. the top 4! i had him around #7 after he sang a wretched rendition of a Stevie Wonder song. this kid has an inexplicable fan base. the girls (or boys) must love the hair. i think he will stay around. maybe he's this season's Jasmine.

he was by far the worst of the guys. by a mile, in my opinion. there was nothing wrong with his voice. and at a concert, a long concert, maybe this is the understated number you do sitting on the piano while everyone goes and gets a drink or uses the portapotty. maybe i listen to it on my ipod while doing my running cooldown or some relaxation exercises. i don't want to hear it on the radio driving down the road. i'll fall asleep.

then there's his personality. performing, not performing. he's 17, so he needs a ton of work. he's like Al Gore on Valium, that's how little he moves around. he's so stiff.

no, i think Jared is a definite for going home. he made a big mistake picking that creepy song this week. the other one is either going to be Nick or Brandon. i think AJ sticks around another week because he surprised even me enough to vote for him. i tried to vote and the line was busy.

hmm, Nick or Brandon... i'm going with Nick.

so i predict that Jared and Nick, Haley and Alaina go home.

Ryan asks Sundance what he heard over the weekend. Sundance said that people told him not to be so crappy. LOL. Yes, you listened to us!

02... Jared Cotter is doing Marvin Gaye. Prepare for suckitude, world. Simon told him to be more adventurous, so he's doing Marvin Gaye!! Come ON, what you should do is read my last few years' stuff. Marvin Gaye does not work with the majority of voters on this show. No no no no no. He's for real singing "Let's Get It On". I'm out. Knowing that you have all these five, ten, fifteen, sixty, and eighty year-old women watching you, you choose this song. You're so stupid. Not to mention that it's nothing I haven't heard before from my husband. ;-) I have to tell you. I think he went for steamy. I felt like an oversized kid was up there trying to show off for the kids on the playground. And the voice was fine, pitchy occasionally, screechy at times, but it didn't stand out in a good way. I've heard better than that from the songleaders at church. Singing hymns. That don't make me want to shower afterwards. And I don't mean shower because I got all hot and bothered. I mean because I feel like you spat on me during your antics. What was with rubbing on your face? Did you have something on it? Next, please. Randy liked the voice and loved the face thing. Paula thought the face thing was good on Jared but he pushed it too much. Simon thought it was corny in parts and would have been the cabaret singer on the Love Boat. Jared retorts with, "That would have been a great Love Boat." No, Jared, I would have gotten off at the first port of call. Ryan doesn't know where to start but starts here:

RYAN: And the things we've all done to that song. Man! The memories!
SARAHK: Yeah. Not very convincing, Ryan.
FRANK J.: Oh, like Ryan couldn't have any woman he wanted... if he wanted a woman.

Ryan actually asks Jared to do the face thing again. Mmmhmm, Ryan.

Oh wait! I forgot to watch his inspirational video. Tivo! He's dedicating to his mom and dad. Mom made him audition. Dad made him listen to Stevie Wonder and Donnie Hathaway. Ok, nothing changed my mind about whether I loved that song. I did not.

03... AJ Tabaldo is next, and he's dedicating to his mom and dad. Because they love him and stuff. He looks good, is dressed sharply. Jeans, 3/4 sleeve shirt (I forgive him, because it's not pink, it's a nice manly green), black vest. I can understand his words at the beginning of the song, he's starting off very slowly with limited band music. This is a song I've never heard, called "Feeling Good". It's been done by apparently everyone recently. Muse, Pussycat Dolls, Michael Buble. He is singing this really well, and I'm in shock. He's singing in English! I could do without the gayish hand movements, but he sings so well tonight that I just don't care. I take back everything I said about him last week. Doggone, who am I going to pick on for the rest of the night? Who will my standard joke fallback be? Not AJ. I will not pick on him for the rest of the night. Randy liked it. Paula says he has a great great voice, rah! rah!, Simon is surprised by him (I know, right?) and says he looked strangely comfortable and was almost very very good. AJ says he took their constructive criticism and went way out of his R&B comfort zone to do the song. Might I vote for him? Take a deep breath, SarahK. I might.

04... Sanjaya is dedicating to his dead grandpa. Not his sister, who got cut earlier in the season. He's wearing slacks, a maroon shirt, a top hat. His hair is in a ponytail. He's singing "Steppin' Out with My Baby", a standard by Irving Berlin. It's so quiet. The entire song is boring. Even the end when he tries to put the big finish on it is a bore. He's wooden onstage. At the end he smiles huge at the judges, because he knows how bad it was. Randy says it was a bad talent show. Paula says at least it wasn't pitchy, but hey, maybe you should sing younger songs. Simon pushes her to finish more quickly. Simon says it was like after lunch where the parents ask the kids to dress up and sing. Very weak, a little weird, and somewhat whispered. Paula wants to know why he did the song. Sanjaya says he wanted to celebrate the great heroes of music, the classics. Dude, wait for Tony Bennet.

So far, AJ is the best.

05... Chris Sligh is next, and he tells Ryan that the secret to the volume of his hair is as much conditioner as possible. And his dedication is to his wife Sarah. What is it with geeky, funny guys getting super-hot wives named Sarah? Wow, look at her! And his dedication video is wonderful. He is so sweet about his wife! Phil, take notice. And he is singing "Trouble" by Ray LaMontagne, which Taylor did last year, if I'm not mistaken. And this is good. This is really good. I'm just smiling with teeth the whole time. I'm going to rewind and listen a second time. It's that good. I love that he wears Converse with his baggy suits. It's great on the rewind, too. Randy says he's even better than last week, and good song choice. Paula says yes, good, and good wife dedication. You're awesome, but watch your pitch and getting ahead of the song. I didn't hear that tonight. Simon says he is a really good singer tonight. He was a little worried about him dedicating a song called "Trouble" to his wife, but the lyric made sense. Chris says he has been saved by a woman. Awww. Yay for Chris! First place! Oh. I suppose I should listen to the other five first. Whatever. Ryan says Chris gets a free pass for a while out of the doghouse.

06... Nick Pedro dedicates to his girlfriend. He's singing "Fever". No, really. What a horrible song choice. No he is not doing the hip-hop hand moves for this. Huh. I'm baffled by the song choice. The tone quality was good, the song choice was awful, the hand jive was hideous, he rushed ahead of the band, and it was boring. Ugh. I didn't love Nick tonight. I love the "Vote for Pedro" gimmick, but I don't love Nick tonight.

07... Blake Lewis dedicates to his parents. His dad is a hard worker, and his mom is talented in the music department. Oh yes. Dad is the one with the funny rhythm. And Blake is... NO. NO. NO. He is singing a song called "Virtual Insanity" by Jamiroquai. It's about life in the digital age. NO. NO. NO. He is singing a song about life in the digital age and how insane it is. I love the scatting. In the beginning he sounds very Maroon 5 to me, and I love Maroon 5. In the middle, I love the scatting. Did I mention the scatting? Jason Mraz is another scatter I love. Whoa whoa whoa, what happened there at the end with the pitchiness, dawg? The falsetto is good. But come on, please. Virtual insanity. These have got to be the corniest song lyrics since "Digital Getdown" by 'NSYNC. And we've had "Don't Cha" since then. So you see the gravity of the situation. I'm sorry, Blake, I can't get past the horrid lyrics. Dude, I'm typing right now, and when I click "Save", what I just typed will be out there on the interwebs. That's so insane in this digital age! Awful. But I did love the scatting. I hope enough of the teeny-boppers don't care about corniness and vote to keep you around, because you're one of my favorites. Randy says that's what he's talking about, baby! Paula ya ya ya! Simon disagrees and says exactly what I said with a few added details: the beginning was a copycat of the original, the scatting was good and original, and the end was pitchy. You were better last week. SarahK: except the scatting. I like the addition of the scatting. Other than that, you were better last week.

Speaking of Mr. A to Z, Chris Richardson just told Seacrest that he will be singing "Geek in the Pink" in a bit. Yes! That will be pure joy for me if he doesn't screw it up. It's on my iPod, in my "running" playlist.

08... Brandon Rogers dedicates "Time After Time" to his dead grandmother. He's wearing a pink shirt. His voice is shaky at first. He's behind the music the whole time, like every single line, he's trying to remember the words. I thought it was really boring. And honestly, I sang "Time After Time" on our karaoke game this weekend to see if I could get a perfect score, 50K points, and yes, I did, and I think I did better on it. It was so over-thought-out, if that makes sense. Really, y'all, I just can't wait to get to "Geek in the Pink". Seriously, if he pulls that off? Anyway, this didn't do it for me. Randy thinks it's great that he dedicated it to his Grams, but it was boring. Brandon says, but I was really trying to put my heart into it so I didn't think it needed extra. Paula says he didn't need to oversing, and no one knows how it feels to dedicate it to the Grama. Simon rolls his eyes and says let's take it back to a singing competition and forget all the rubbish about your dedication. Simon says you have to get past the "I'm feeling it" nonsense and show that you are a good singer, which you are. Brandon tells everyone it's his dad's birthday, and he feels great about singing the song. Simon says, btw, it's my mum's birthday in November. Oh, and I love puppies. LOL. Randy admits to liking dogs. Poor Brandon, but he totally walked into that.

09... Chris Richardson is dedicating to his Grama, his "Big Mama". Um, have you read "Geek in the Pink" lyrics? Do you know what you will be singing to dear old Gram? Just saying, that's not a song to dedicate to your Grama. It's got some grexual overtones. This performance is great. I would have said excellent except that he had a hard time keeping the microphone to his mouth so we could hear him. His singing was a cross between Mr. A to Z and Justin Timberlake. Dancing and aftershocks (that's the body movements after the song is over) were very JT. But the microphone technique was very RightWingDuck during the hiatused IMAO Podcast. Y'all don't know what I go through to make it so y'all can hear him. ;-D Randy says it was better than Jason Mraz himself, and that is absolute blasphemy. Someone tie him to a stake and set him on fire for me, would you? Not really, ok? If Randy is set on fire soon, please take note that I withdrew my request, so don't look at me. Paula says it was a funny song for dedicating to your Grama. Oh no! Did someone replace my Dasani with vodka tonight? Because she and I never speak the same language. Nope, that is definitely water in my Dasani bottle. Simon says he's somebody to watch, and he's the best tonight by a mile. I don't know, I'd like to hear Chris Sligh again to compare.

10... Sundance dedicates this to his son Levi, who's 3.5 months old. When he auditioned, his wife was pregnant, and he misses being away from his family. Levi's already smiling, and Sundance had to miss that because he's off at American Idol. BUT. He dedicated his video to his son, and he, as far as we know, was around when the little tyke was born.

(Aren't y'all glad I'm directing all my venom toward a male this year so that y'all can't automatically assume that it's envy? It makes it so much more confusing for you, doesn't it? And no, before you ask, I've never had a baby, and I've never had a husband miss the birth of my baby. And my dad was present at my birth, or at least that's what my mom tells me. I think I've seen pictures. I just think it's wrong. There were eight audition cities, and the price of airfare isn't much more expensive to other cities than to Birmingham from Jacksonville. He could have found another way. I mean, you can fly round trip to New York from Melbourne for pretty cheap, so he could have done a little research and found another way. Until I hear something like he was in Iraq fighting at all the other audition times (or, you know, on a submarine or ship in the middle of an ocean), and Birmingham was the only city that wasn't during a time when he was fighting for my freedom, "he's a pale-faced, mealy-mouthed ninny, and I hate him!")

Anyway, to Sundance. This performance is a 180 from where he was last week. Ok, I'll go with 160. I don't want to go crazy, because it's a fast and wild song, and I've heard karaoke bars go wild at this song, so I'll hopefully say he's 100% improved. He's doing "Mustang Sally", which is right up his alley. No rhyme intended. It's lively, soulful, fun, and vocal. He uses a lot of range during this performance, tricks up the song a lot, and I'm very pleased. I had started to wonder whether his audition was a fluke. Randy says what a difference a week makes. Welcome back, you dropped the bomb. Sundance thanks America for keeping him around one more week. Paula gives a standing ovation seal clap and says he has such an awesome range and thinks it's the best vocal he's ever done. Simon says yes, he's back, but let's not get carried away (he's so smart). It's a very popular song with everyone up on their feet, so I still think you can do better. Then Ryan says he thinks Sundance has been away from Levi longer than he thinks and shows him a photoshopped picture of Levi with Sundance's goatee. It's cute, Simon winks, and then, I'm not kidding, Ryan reaches out and fondles Sundance's goatee and comments on it being hard. Sundance shares the secret of hairspray, and I'm too scarred to continue.

Ok, the order tonight, my intense dislike for Phil notwithstanding (*s get votes):

05... Chris Sligh*
09... Chris Richardson*
10... Sundance Head*
03... AJ Tabaldo* - yes! ok! he's off my snarkdar!
07... Blake Lewis* - ok, i guess i'm a teeny-bopper, because i want him to stick around.but he does not deserve my vote tonight.
WH... Phil Stacey
08... Brandon Rogers
06... Nick Pedro
02... Jared Cotter
04... Sanjaya Malakar

Gwen Stefani. It would be worth keeping A.J. around just to hear him sing "Hollaback Girl". I'm concerned about that night and what it might bring. Gwen Stefani is a rocker and a character, a full package, and I think without her whole package, the songs aren't really good enough to stand alone. I hope I'm wrong, but I... hmm. I see a steam train rolling onto the stage that night. I anxiously await it with glee.

Tony Bennett. You know I love me crooners. And I love/hate standards night on American Idol. It's deliciously awful for the people who can't sing (they get exposed -- ahem, Kellie Pickler) and a lovely showcase for the people who can.

Martina McBride. Eeeee! I say eeee, but there are actually very few Martina McBride songs that I can see blowing the voters away and really being vote-worthy. She has a lot of ballads that won't scream "vote for me!" So the contestants are going to have to get creative and insert themselves, do their own thang, dawg. Very few of the contestants can do "Independence Day" and get away with it, because it was Carrie Underwood's signature just two seasons ago, so they'll have to do it so much better in order to not be compared to her. Other than that, there's "Broken Wing"; someone should scoop that one up quickly, because if you do that one right, it's the automatic winner. The guys have the advantage of the night, because the girls will be compared to the original, while the guys can basically do the song closer to as-is without coming under too much fire from the judges. She has a huge body of work, so the contestants should start looking through her songlist now. And so help me pete, if anyone sings that horrible song about God-fearing women who don't want to stir the gravy anymore and decide to quit the Baptist choir and their marriages to become whores, I will shred someone's vocal chords with my own fingernails. I'll do it, don't make me come out there to Hollywood, peeps! It will be an interesting night.

Lulu and Peter Noone from Herman's Hermits on British Invasion 60s night. 60s night. I could cry.

Barry Gibb from The BeeGees. I cheered at this one. Cheered. I loooove the BeeGees.

"Sowing the Seeds of Love". Ahahahahaha. The snaps are killing me.

I hate the V-cast commercials. If I was sitting on a plane, and a random stranger asked if he could check out my V-cast, I would say no. Nobody else is putting my very own earbuds inside their ears. Maybe Frank. Maybe my sister or my mom. That's about my limit. So disgusting.

Ryan asks Chris Sligh if he's nervous, and Chris is nervous that America took the banter with Simon the wrong way. America, Chris loves Simon. Simon likes Chris, because Chris loves Simon.

Foot Fungus Freak Paul Kim wore shoes for getting kicked off and also for "Sowing the Seeds of Love". I betcha the producers demanded it and Lysoled the stage. He does not take my advice and still does the gansta hip-hop dance while singing about his guilty, stinky, neckid athlete's feet.

Amy Krebs is the first girl to get the ax, and Ryan decides he hates her, so he asks Simon to give her words of wisdom. "You're not a standout" or something like that. Oops, should have asked Paula for a rah-rah speech.

Fantasia comes out to sing, and the singing is good, but her dress is way too tight. I don't mean just immodestly tight (if I wanted to talk about modesty, I could go on about other aspects of the dress). I mean that dress is painted into her. Not onto her. Into. Come on, you're like super-rich now. You can't find a dress that fits? Or a stylist? Fantasia, I voted for you many times! Don't embarrass me by not knowing that you're a size 6 and not a 4. And 6 is awesome. Don't try to squeeze into a 4 just because that's what you wore in high school. Remember you've had a baby since high school. No wait, you had the baby in high school. Ok, so you should be used to the 6 by now. Face the facts. I do love you, so I come in peace.

Second boy to get the boot is Rudy Cardenas, because he no sing English. He speaks English just fine, but when he starts singing, he just garbles all the words, so I happily say goodbye.

Second girl to go is Nicole Tranquillo, and the second time she sings, I'm doing that cringing thing I did the first time I heard her sing. What is that? How did she get through to the top 24? I don't get that. Not at all.

Ok, now we watch tonight's episode. Just remember, I'm 100% on my predictions so far. I'm awesome.

IDOLS 02... Amy Krebs is next up in a hideous early '90s pattern dress that's a little too big for her. She sings "I Can't Make You Love Me". That is true. You also can't make me wake up. Unexciting. Safe. I like her hair, though. That's something. Randy says she should have been soulful, but she went safe. Paula says yes. Randy says she's better than that. Simon says she's forgettable and has the personality of a candle. Amy says yes sir, Simon, and it's all he can do to keep from rolling his eyes. He tells her everything about her right now, including the dress and the hair, are forgettable.

IDOLS 03... Leslie Hunt is next, and I read today or yesterday that she has the Lupus, so we're supposed to feel sorry for her and vote accordingly. No, I promise to make fun of her shortcomings just like I do with the other contestants, Lupus notwithstanding. I didn't hold back on Elliott last year because of his diabetes (of course, I really liked him, but when he was bad I said so), and I didn't hold back on Kellie Pickler because of her cognitive disability. In fact, I made fun of that, worked it into my schtick. Leslie looks much older than 24. Y'all check her ID. Anyway, her dress is ok, nothing offensive, a little nondescript. The boots don't work with the dress. She's singing "(You Make Me Feel Like A) Natural Woman". Y'all remind me to make fun of that song title someday. Anyway, I hope that spastic stage dancing isn't related to the Lupus, because I need to make fun of that and don't want to feel sorry for her about it instead. That's some bad dancing. The singing is fine, and she's really trying, but she's not blowing me away. But she's not trying to be safe, so I appreciate that. Randy says Dawg, you're no Aretha. Well, neither are you, Dawg! Paula says she did great. Simon says nuh-uh. He says it was ok, but she's a dog walker and she was out of her element, and Ryan says he actually knows what Simon is saying. Yes, Ryan, that you're his... coworker.

IDOLS 04... Sabrina Sloan is up next, looking cute and almost modest in a white see-thru long blouse (it had potential to be cute) and jeans. And very uncomfortable shoes. She's singing "I Never Loved a Man". The ladies love Aretha tonight. She's fantastic. Everything about her. The voice, the song, the stage presence. Randy loves her, Paula loves vodka and standing ovations, and Simon loves himself and self-adulates over his previous comments. How he is so right to say that the ordinary performances are just not good enough, because someone like Sabrina comes on and proves what Idol is all about. Simon says she's the best yet. SarahK agrees. Sabrina smiles. Hey, that was a movie back when I was five! I loved that movie! No wait. It was Savannah Smiles. I loved that movie, but now it's not as exciting. Ryan asks why no ballad? Sabrina says she actually watches the show and wants to win. Vote for her for sure.

IDOLS 05... Antonella Barba, the BFF whose BFF got cut from the show. Because God likes good people. But apparently, Antonella let Amanda pick her song for her, because Antonella (I'm guessing the parents really wanted a boy and wanted to name her after the father Anthony, right?) is singing "Don't Wanna Miss a Thing" by Aerosmith. As soon as I heard the opening notes... sigh. So let's talk about the look. I hate those shirts that have little short sleeves but the shoulders cut out. What IS that? You don't want people to see your dandruff, so you cut out the dandruff's landing pad? I don't get it. She's pretty in red, but huh. Jeans, red heels. I'm not pleased with the hair. She has this gorgeous long brown hair, and she pulled it back in a boring ponytail. Why, to show off those big hoop earrings? They're plain. Ok, the song. Pitch problems galore. I thought she might do something good with it when she stepped off that urinal chair she was sitting on, but no. Then at the end, when the song gets really huge, she just took it down a hundred notches for the teeny ending. It didn't work. Randy is displeased. Paula breaks out the beautiful card, which means that it tanked, and Simon says the song was way too big for her, but the good news is she's attractive. Yes, Simon, but she hid the hair to show off the earrings! Wow, I have the DVR paused on her face right after Simon's harsh judging, and she is gorgeous. I'm not kidding, she could be a Max Factor model. Why does that makeup brand pop into my head? Look at her bone structure, nice unobtrusive (inobtrusive?) ears. Very pretty. Simon says she might go home. Anthony Jr.'s mom's eyes are huge at that remark. Jr. asks what she can do better, and Simon tells her to sing pop. Ryan says, did you realize that song was a risk? Anthony Jr. says, yes but I figured it was a risk worth taking. Simon says, It would be like Ryan doing the news, and Jr. does not hide that she thinks that's funny. Ryan graciously says she was better than that.

Before the break, Ryan says that Jordin Sparks is singing Tracey Chapman next. My automatic blind prediction is that Jordin Sparks is the first Wednesday night casualty. She's going home.

IDOLS 06... Jordin Sparks really for real is singing Tracy Chapman's "Gimme One Reason" on AI. I've decided to be annoyed with that until she makes me forget to be annoyed by completely ticking me off. Ok, um, remember when I challened Triple F on his hip-hop thing for "I'm never gonna dance again..."? A'ight. Listen up, sweetums, because you're only seventeen and have likely never had a bad breakup, and you don't know what this song is about. She's walking out on him, breaking up, walking out of his life, but she doesn't want to go. "Give me one reason to stay, and I'll turn right back around...This youthful heart can love you and give you what you need... " and you are up there running around the stage, parading, smiling and hooraying and soooo excited to be leaving this guy! But in the song, she is telling him, come on, just give me one reason to stay. I will do it, you can see me already turning around, just give me the word, gimme one good reason. You got it all wrong. Sounded great, but you performed it wrong. Dead wrong. Randy, who professes to know about music and be a musician, is not offended by her complete ignorance of the lyrics. Paula loves that she had fun with the song. I don't remember what Simon said.

07... Nicole Tranquillo is yelling a lot. Her black and silver top is pretty, but her black jeans look badly faded, and not stylishly. What did she sing? "Let's Stay Together". Wow, that's really that song? Supposedly, according to Randy, kind of a mix of the Chaka Khan and Erica Badu versions? Well. A lot of yelling, not much good. But I did enjoy watching her dad try to keep rhythm. Poor guy. He just did not get the rhythm gene. Anyway, I did not love her. Randy says it's the wrong kind of song for her. Paula says she doesn't know how many people can hit the notes that Nicole hit. Right Paula. Not many people. Paula says it was out of this world. Indeed. Simon says it was indulgent and the wrong song. Ryan asks if she has what it takes. Randy says yeah dawg, but it doesn't take that song. Blah blah, there's banter, and I'm bored. Can we get back to that Sabrina girl?

Hey, we had a real life bona fide runaway show up on our door step tonight. Commenced the Sarah Nervous Talky thing. She's fine. Her parents picked her up about forty-five minutes after she arrived. I bawled like a baby when I shut the door, it was very emotional.

Y'all live for my little life vignettes, don't y'all? Admit it.

IDOLS 08... Haley Scarnato is singing a Celine Dion song. "It's All Coming Back to Me". Apparently it never came to you, because you, too, have never read the lyrics you're singing. What is WITH the girls tonight? I'm losing my patience. I do, for an unknown reason, like the big doubloon around her neck. Matches the ones on Paula's ears. LOL, Chris Sligh looks incredibly bored during her judging. Her outfit is ok, but it'd be better if she hadn't lost the top. Anyway, she sings so happily and whimsically about how it's all coming back to her. Yes, Celine understands the soap opera of this song. She's moved on, she's gotten on with her life, and she's stronger now, but then he starts touching her and kissing her, and it's all coming back, and oh no. She is so not prepared for this. It's so very Sonny and Carly Corinthos today on General Hospital. Do y'all get that at the AI mansion? Watch today's episode on the soap channel tonight and see how you should have sang that song. Again. All wrong. And the whimsy arm waves were too cheesy. Too much! Don't do that, or you'll beat that blue sapphire heart right off your chest at the Oscars, Haley. Ugh. What a beating that was. Randy did not love it. Paula says she wishes Haley would have sung something they hadn't already heard her sing, but Haley is pretty. Simon says Haley sounds like she's 40. Haley tells Ryan that of course she appreciates the judges' critiques, but she's going to be her own self and sing what she wants. Well, for a week or two or zero, anyway, right, Haley? Oh, by the way, Haley botched the words like mad on this song. Every other word out of her mouth was wrong.

IDOLS 09... Melinda Doolittle is singing about being hurt in a real bad way with a giant smile on her face. Not YOU, Melinda! She's singing "Sweet Sweet Baby Since You've Been Gone" (Aretha). Her voice and energy are incredible. She's amazing, but I am appalled that she sang so happily about having been kicked to the curb. Have any of these girls ever been broken up with before? She looks great, too. Jeans, cute top, brown leather jacket, ugly earrings. Cute hair. Randy loves her, Paula loves her and her firecrackyness. Did Paula just call her a cracker? Paula, Paula, Paula. Too much vodka. Simon loves her and her story and really hopes she does well.

IDOLS 10... Alaina Alexander up front says that she's emotional and sensitive. Oh, she's perfect for Idol! I hope she reads my Idol snarkage. Anyway, she's dressed kinda nondescript for Idol. Didn't dress up or down, like she doesn't want to be noticed. That's not good. What great hair she has, though. Some of these other girls should learn from her. It's the first hair of the night that really stands out as good hair. Yes, the song. Well, it was not good enough. What can I say? She sang something about being special and wanting attention? "Brass in Pocket" by the Pretenders, apparently. She didn't really do anything special with the song. Or anything attention-worthy. I've already forgotten it. Randy says it was pitchy, dawg. Paula says that what Randy meant was that she didn't make it her own. No Paula, pitchy means "off-key". Take away the Coke cup, guys. Simon says what I said about her not being special and that she's going to depend on her looks to get by. Ryan starts being all sweet, and Simon asks if Ryan wants to date her. Simon, did you hear yourself and the pronoun at the end of the sentence? Rethink it. Ryan fumbles around for a long time. Again, I'm bored.

IDOLS 11... Gina Glocksen is tired of auditioning for American Idol, so she's ready to win it. The good news, Gina, is that now that you've made the top 24, you're no longer eligible to audition. So whether you win or not, you're done. So you get your wish either way! Glad I can bear the good news. Anyway, the music starts, and I'm scared for her. "All By Myself", the Celine version. All my muscles are tense, because this can go very badly. It can also go well. She looks as good as a girl with a tongue bolt can look, I guess. Oh, speaking of that! My sister's biopsy results came back today. It is definitely cancer, stage 0, but they think they got it all and she'll just have to go back every three months for biopsies. Ok, so here's the big note, and she hits it, and after the note, she finishes the song well and with a little non-Celine flair, even, which impresses me. Good for her. Randy is happy, Paula is praising the unicorns, and Simon says that she surprised him singing that song but he doesn't think she hit the big note. Ryan asks her about her confidence. 6 pre-performance, and 12 post-performance, because she's sure she hit the note. Tivo is our friend. I've listened to it three times, and it sounds to me like she hit it. She had to tweak it slightly, but she ended up where she needed to be, and at least she wasn't smiling giddily while singing about being all alone her bleak, isolated, cat-lady world. Ahem. If ever Frank leaves me, I'll be a cat lady, so I'm insulting only me there.

IDOLS 12... Lakisha Jones is the last of the girls. *sigh* I'm too tired to even talk about her dress. There is too much of her ginormous breasts for that dress. It's a pretty dress, lovely red and gold, perfect for the Chinese New Year. But those bazoombas need their own matching purses, good grief. I guess I wasn't too tired to talk about the dress. She's singing "And I Am Telling You" by Jennifer Holiday and now Jennifer Hudson, so it will be high on the judges' radar. Did she just feel herself up in her hoo-hah region? Was that on purpose? I mean, everything else she's doing on that stage is very well crafted, so I have to think she went for her own hoo-hah on purpose. I mean, there was a dress barrier there, but... whatever. Too tired. Hoo-hah girl is awesome. Different league. She's amazing with her voice and her acting and her bazoombas and hoo-hah and her hair that won't stay out of her mouth no matter how hard she tries to keep it out. Randy says Jennifer Hudson watch out! Yes, she'll watch out from behind her little statuette. He can protect her (if she wins). Paula says hooray! Simon says, to correct someone earlier, let me be haughty for a moment and take away from your moment just a smidge, that's the right note. Lakisha looks uncomfy with that remark but smiles with her Godzilla breasts. Her Godzeasts. King Kongas. Simon says he's tempted to tell 23 people to book their tickets home, because she's in a different league.

Ryan asks the judges between the guys and the girls, how many would you keep? Randy says he'd keep about 4 guys and 8 girls, and that's exactly what Judge Extraordinaire SarahK would have said. Paula says everyone is so beautiful in all the plum fairy land! Oh, and some of you can sleep great tonight. But the rest of you... pick the right song. (If you're here.) Ryan asks Simon the score, and Simon says that there were about 4 good performances tonight and Lakisha has thrown down the gauntlet. Yes, the Gauntlet of Breasts. Cutlet?

Ok, the order...

12 Lakisha Jones*
04 Sabrina Sloan*
01 Stephanie Edwards*
09 Melinda Doolittle* - was better than Stephanie but got major points off for the smiling while getting kicked to the curb thing
11 Gina Glocksen*
03 Leslie Hunt
06 Jordin - sounded better than Leslie, but got major points off for not knowing anything about lyrics
08 Haley
10 Alaina Alexander
05 Antonella - at least she moved around on the stage, unlike Amy.
07 Nicole - Yes, Antonella was pitchier, but Nicole yelled her whole song, and I wasn't crazy about her tone.
02 Amy Krebs - zzzzz.

Prediction: I think Amy is gone for sure. Either Nicole or Alaina will leave with her... hmm. Alaina has that hot girl thing going on (not that Nicole isn't pretty, she is, but Alaina has all that hair). I think Antonella will skate easily. Ok, Amy and Nicole.

On the guy side, oh please let it be A.J. and Rudy, who haven't quite mastered the art of singing in English. But I don't think it will be them. I think it will be Rudy and Paul. The Foot Fungus Freak. Which kind of makes me sad, because I was going to start with my mushroom jokes next week. There's always tomorrow night, I guess.

IDOLS 03... Sundance Head was one of the best in his audition, then fell apart in Hollywood week and is hoping to redeem himself tonight. He's singing "Nights in White Satin", and it starts off a little pitchy and shaky, so I'm kinda worried for him. Yeah, it doesn't get much better. He keeps belting, but it just never comes back on track... I almost want to vote for him as a mercy vote. He's having a rough time. Randy says he needs to go back to the bluesy Sundance from the audition, and he is pitchy Dawg. Paula says yeah. Simon says he agrees and doesn't like Sundance tonight, and you can see the pain in his eyes. He has very emotional eyes. I can't take it, I feel my fingers pulling toward the phone for a Sundance vote. He's in danger of going home unless one of the other unremarkables does something unremarkable. LOL, one of the judges had said something about Sundance's arms flailing about while he was singing (it was Simon), and Ryan asks Sundance what he would do differently with his arms next time. Paula, of all people, starts doing the Simon Chicken Breast Rub and rubs her hands all over her upper chest. Ryan joins in. Hahahahaha. I love it. They picked up on it on The Soup a couple of weeks ago, too. One of the best Idol moments this season.

IDOLS 04... Paul Kim, the Foot Fungus Freak. Yeah, I've decided that until he wears shoes, he is a walking athlete's foot machine. We get it, you've shown us your gimmick, whatever. You can spray your tootsies with Lysol and put your flip-flops back on. Anyway, he's singing "Careless Whisper", ok? And he's doing the hip-hop hand motions, right? I'm never gonna dance again... yo... whatup... uh... guilty feet indeed. The up-and-down hand motions do not go with the song. Listen to your words, Triple F. Yaaaawwwwwnnnnn. This is soooo boring. I know why the hand motions, he's rocking himself to sleep... and aaaaaaack!!! What in the world was that? Right in the middle goes up into the worst Ace Young falsetto -- way worse than any Ace ever did -- and completely botches it. Randy says maybe the song is not right. Collagen asks how he feels, which is her way of saying that it sucked, and Simon says that it was 3rd rate and he should put his shoes on. I'm with you, Simon. Oh, and Randy and Paula want the viewers to remember that Triple F is one of the best voices in the competition. Eh, I can do without him and his many fungi.

So far, I feel let down tonight. Who will save this wretched heap of deflating manhood?

Oh dear, Ryan took off his shoes to show his support. Plus, he just got a pedicure, and he says the Triple F definitely needs a pedi.

IDOLS 05... Chris Richardson dresses like Justin Timberlake, looks a little like a cross between K-Fed and JT, so Britney's Dream Ex. Well, here's a much better song choice than the other guys, because I'm not scowling upon hearing the opening. Gavin Degraw's "I Don't Wanna Be". About three bars in, I'm kinda rocking back and forth, watching closely because I'm not sure what to think, and Frank is saying, "It it just me, or is that really bad? Doesn't that sound like me trying to sing it?" And halfway through, I rewind and start it over; I'm too puzzled. I have to listen with my eyes closed. And I think what's happened is that he's been compared to JT enough that he's trying to sing a rockish song with a popish flare to it, you know, do his own thang, dawg, so that they can't judge him on a pop song and compare him to JT apples to apples? Maybe. And I don't know why, but I almost like it. I think I like it for the high notes. Definitely requires eye closure, though. Too much weird gyrating and chicken dancing for my taste. But I don't like it enough to vote for it. Frank thinks it's terrible. Randy says yo yo, the show just started. Not your best vocal. Paula says yummy! Simon says the girls will love you and vote for you, but your vocals sounded small up there. YES, exactly!

IDOLS 06... Nick Pedro is definitely one of the cutest of the guys, not that I think he's cute, but other girls might. He's singing "Now and Forever" by Richard Marx, and in the beginning, he is having a hard time keeping up with the band. He finally gets it together, but it's a little pitchy. The high part is good, but eh. It was pretty blaaaaaaaah. Nice voice, and I want him to stick around, so I hope the little teeny boppers fawn over that hunky smile of his and vote for him. I can't vote for that performance. He'll probably be middle of the pack.

IDOLS 07... Blake Lewis, the beatboxer. I'm glad he said the beatboxing will be used sparingly, because really, save it for special occasions and a song here and there on your album. This is a singing competition. He's singing "Somewhere Only We Know" by Keane. I've never heard the song, and I haven't heard him sing much, so let's to it... Oooooooh. For me, this was a chest-holder. One of those songs where I just put my hand on my chest and didn't move until it was over. That was lovely. I like his voice. Am calling to vote for him right now. Line's busy. Will try again later. Finally, someone stepped up. Good job.

IDOLS 08... Sanjaya Malakar is singing, oh guess whose song Sanjaya is singing? Sanjaya, have you not read in the SarahK Rules of Idol that you are not allowed to sing Stevie Wonder songs? No one is. Nothing good can come of it. Some song about not wanting to bore me and I love you, I love you, I love you, you're boring, you're a lovely little lemondrop candycane. Snoooooooze. Randy says no, dawg. No one can sing Stevie Wonder. Yes, that's why they did a whole Stevie Wonder night last year, Sanjaya -- or was that just to make all my hair fall out? I can't recall. Paula says something about lovely poppies in a field, and Simon agrees with me on the boring but says people will like his hair. They have hair banter, and it's uncomfy talk with Ryan about age until the break. Yes, we get it, he's 17. Big whoop, Leann Rimes was 14 when she yodeled "Blue", so don't talk to me about age.

IDOLS 09... Chris Sligh is up, and he was my favorite coming in, so I hope with all the hope in my heart that he's great tonight. He's funny in his interview, makes fun of wanting to sing "Do I Make You Proud" in the finale. He sings "Typical" by Mute Math. Frank and I thought it was the best of the night. I could have done without the annoying Pink Floydathon they had going on with the lights, but the singing was great. I'll vote for that. Randy likes it, Paula likes it. Simon says that yes, his humor did get him here (referring to his interview), but he felt like he was at a college singing or something, and Ryan wants to know when kids just start randomly singing at college. I knew what Simon meant, like karaoke night in the SUB, but Ryan is talking over the judges when it's not his turn, and Simon starts to hissy... Simon says shut up, and those two girls just start the squabbling. Meanwhile, Chris tries to break the ice and says something like, "I just wanna know, just because I don't sing the types of songs like Il Divo and the Teletubbies..." referring to the men's opera group Simon started and the Teletubbies Christmas album that Simon is responsible for, and hahaha, he researched just in case Simon insulted him so he could fling poo back. Simon says, "You could always play a Teletubby." So Simon is getting ugly with Chris because he's in the middle of his lover's quarrel with Ryanne, whom he has already called "Sweetheart" in their little match. So Chris doesn't get a very constructive judging, because Ryan has cut Simon off, and they're arguing over who has prettier nail polish. Oh Simon, you know Ryan spends hours picking out his nail color, just let him win. Vote for Chris, BTW.

IDOLS 10... Jared Cotter. This is really the first time we're seeing him, so great, clean slate for him. That can be great. And he's singing a stupid, retarded, foot fungus song. "Back at One" by Brian McKnight. Forgettable. Well-sung, but forgettable. Terrible song choice.

IDOLS 11... A.J. Tabaldo. I hear the opening horns of the song and roll my eyes. I'm sorry, didn't we already hear him? Wasn't this the first guy, the one whom I couldn't understand at all? Because he's back. This time singing the safe and boring "All My Love" or something like that, who cares. Goodbye.

NUMBER WITHHELD... Last is the family-abandoning Phil Stacey, who left his wife to have a baby on her own so he could audition for Idol. Wasn't due for another week. Ok, so you just left your 9-months pregnant wife. That's so much better. Why do you feel the need to explain yourself? Do you feel guilty? Because you should. Look how your wife came with you to support you in Hollywood. Like you didn't do when she had your baby. I'm not one to make fun of physical features, so I won't. But I do feel so much negativity for this man who left his 9-months pregnant wife to audition, so I will say this: He should grow some hair or wear the hat like he wore in his audition. And it's nothing to do with the bald head. Oh, and would everyone shut up about Britney's bald head already? Anyway, he sings "I Could Not Ask for More", a song I love. The beginning is shaky and bad at best, but to be honest, that is a hard song to sing. You have to have range to sing it. I can nail the chorus and the coda, but I really struggle with the beginning, because probably most people who hit the chorus with ease are uncomfy with the beginning -- it's too low for us. It's too low for me, anyway. It's barely in my range. /me being nice. He eases into the chorus and does his own thing near the end. I'm more impressed with his performance than I want to be. Vocally, I'd say he's in the top three tonight, even though I want to punch him in his dumb monkey face. No, I wouldn't actually do that, so if his dumb monkey face ends up punched, y'all look at other suspects before me, ok? Randy is like, "You're my hero! Can you also fly and turn invisible?" Paula's like, "Can you melt things with your brain? Better yet, can you make vodka appear out of thin air?" Simon says, "Yeah, it was monstrous in the beginning and good at the end, but it wasn't the best thing since self-healing cheerleaders." He starts name-dropping past Idol contestants.

Ok, the ranking (I only call in votes for the *s):

09 Chris Sligh - 07 Blake Lewis*
07 Blake Lewis - 09 Chris Sligh*
NW Phil Stacey - even though he's a pale-faced mealy-mouthed ninny, and I hate him.

Everyone else pretty much did nothing for me.

06 Nick Pedro* - changed my mind. I guess I can vote for it, even though he doesn't deserve it.
02 Brandon Rogers
05 Chris Richardson, and I don't know why.
08 Sanjaya Malakar
10 Jared Cotter
03 Sundance Head*
04 Paul Kim - Foot Fungus Freak
11 A.J. Tabaldo - come on. I don't care if you speak English, but at least sing in English.
01 Rudy Cardenas - ditto.

I'm so offended by all these guys coming out and playing it safe. This is the first time they get a chance to show off, to prove that they should be the one whose record I'm buying in nine months, and they want to sing a crappy Stevie Wonder song to me? That is so RUDE! Same thing happens every year. I feel like a broken record. You can't win Idol playing it safe, because you're just counting on everyone else screwing up. One person is bound to break out and do something worth voting for, and you'll be left in the dust. But if only one person is breaking out, that makes for tedious television for the 30 million of us watching.

Gina Glocksen made it through. They showed her singing in Hollywood week, and she was so good. I'm very happy she's in. Simon is smiling as she's running out the door holding her high heels. Fantastic. Congratulations.

Jimmy McNeal and Errick Johnson are out.

Haley Scarnato is in. She didn't bother to dress up for the occasion. Most everyone else is dressed to impressed.

Philip Stacy. He's that bast**d who missed his daughter's birth to audition. If I hadn't remembered that, I would really have wanted him to go through, because wow, I like his voice. But his priorities are all wrong, so I'm not a fan. He's in the top 24. Woo frakkin hoo. I'm sure his neglected baby will be happy for him.

Frank is so envious that the contestants got to see the Simpsons movie.

Chris Sligh walks in and says to the judges, "You guys are probably wondering why I called this meeting today." Frank and I are laughing. We think he is actually hilarious. Not one of those contestants who thinks he's funny but falls flat. Chris is genuinely funny. Every time he speaks, we laugh. So we want him to stick around. Oh yeah, there's also the singing. He's great at that, too. We're fans. Yay for Chris! I don't know what Simon's talking about with that "you're not one of the better singers." I differ. No begging. I just differ. Off you go, Simon. Anyway, he's in.

Blake Lewis, the beatboxer who brings the 'NSYNC factor to AI this year. He's through. They haven't showed much of his singing. I wish they would.

Thomas Lowe is out. Didn't I read something about him? I don't remember what.

Rudy Cardenas. They show him singing in Hollywood week, and I'd actually be ok with him staying. Nice high notes. And he stays.

Paul Kim insists on going barefoot every time he appears on the show. Oh good. We need someone pregnant in the AI kitchen. Fantastic. Also, he'll always wear his lucky American Idol "draw'rs". Whatever. Phony. ::eye roll:: He's in the final 24. I am not crazy about the voice. Or the toenails for that matter. Moving on.

Jordan Sparks. They show her singing in Hollywood week, and she sounds great to me. She's through to 24.

Olivia Quiba-Hurst and Tatiana McConnico are out. I kinda wanted Tatiana to go through just because I love her name. It's all to do with my favorite author.

A.J. Tabaldo is through, but I sure hope he learns how to sing in Ingles before the voting starts, or I'll have to learn how to dial in Espanol. Or I can just not vote for him.

Stephanie Edwards is in. Never heard of her.

Hershey's All Natural Extra Dark Pure Mint Dark Chocolates are yummy. /product endorsement

Leslie Hunt is in. Judging by her Hollywood week singing, I'd have preferred Tami Gosnell.

Nick Pedro, who is all kinds of sexy (for the single ladies, of course -- I wouldn't know, because only Frank is sexy to me), is through. I'm glad of it.

Alaina Alexander sounds like she has potential. But she needs work. Randy's really drawing it out, which means she's in. And she's in. They're so predictable.

Y'all, Minerva is so funny. She jumped up on top of Rowdi's crate and then started hissing and spitting at Rowdi through the afghan that's on top of the crate. Rowdi's so tired from going to the dog spa today that she was just like, "What the --? Ma, I just want to sleep. Can you just deal with this for me? I'm going back to sleep. Thanks." And she grunted and rolled over. /Fleming house commentary

Chris Richardson has a Justin Timberlake in early 'NSYNC days sound to his voice. Frank thinks he looks like K-Fed. That is uncalled-for. Oh I do love my Homedics Shiatsu Massaging Back Cushion. It rocks. That Chris Richardson fella is in.

Sabrina Sloan. I can tell from her H-week singing that she's in. Simon tells her they've decided "not... to exclude" her.

Jerome Chism is out. Joelle James is out. Matt Buckstein the cowboy is out. I figured if he got this far, he'd make it. Princess Johnson is out.

Lakisha Jones. Wow, she's dynamic. And she's in.

Nicole Tranquillo is in. She's interesting.

Jared Cotter is in. His Hollywood week singing didn't sound that great to me. Good, not great.

Amy Krebs. Never seen her before. She sounds good. She's in.

Last two guys, last two girls. They have to face off. Marisa Rhodes vs. Antonella Barba (BFF#2).

They wish each other luck on the elevator, of course, because the cameras are rolling. From everything I've heard, they both should have gone through, and there are several girls I would have picked off whose place Marisa should have taken. I think the judges missed the mark on her. Maybe there's some behind the scenes drama we don't know about, but hmm. They baffled me here. I don't think that Antonella and Marisa should have been the last two girls standing. They should both be in. Hmm.

Last two guys. They could just spare us the drama, because we all know that Sundance is going through to the top 24. No brainer. Tommy Daniels is the other one. He was from the Seattle auditions and had lovely tone. Sundance was all over the place in Hollywood week, and the judges are going to put him through to the top 24 based on his very first audition. Honestly, I think Soulpatch Sundance has a great voice but probably should have been cut when he could never remember his words. But I guess the judges are going on the talent that they know is there, even though Soulpatch Head has a major nerves issue.

Wow, not a single blonde in the top 12 girls. For some reason, I'm feeling remarkably relieved about that. I wonder why.

Ok, on to the boys. Day 2.

Oh yes, I remember liking Brian Miller in his audition. I hope they keep him. He has nice pipes. But he should change his clothes. Jarrod Fowler too. I like him.

Matt Sato. I think he has some growing up to do before he can continue on. He cries all the time, and he's very ... I don't know ... chorus line? I just feel like he's gonna bust out with spirit fingers any minute now.

I think the judges got that one backwards. They sent Jarrod home and kept Matt. And oh my word, Matt, go sing with the girls on group night, would you stop crying already?

Eeee! Group night! The stuff that makes your ears bleed! Get out your iodine, kids!

Oh, and the crygirl Matt can't find a group. Well, maybe you should hook up with that other girl who's over there crying. She needs someone to sing with. It's almost too much to watch. This is where I can hear Cesar Millan talking about how dogs in nature kill the weakest members of the pack. A dog is sick or weak? They kill it. A contestant cries like a baby every time his mama hugs him? The other contestants kill it. Oh come on, I'm just kidding. If I was there, they'd feed me wheat.

There's that nice cowboy Matt Buckstein who was in Jarrod the singing cowboy's group last year. I'm glad he's back this year. He was so gracious last year.

Huh. Perla's group is frustrated with her, because she can't harmonize.

And there's DRAMA ALL AROUND! Especially with the girl groups. Because we're just evil! EVIL, I SAY! Vicious little monsters.

BTW, it's good they're not in Vegas for Hollywood week, or many of these girls would go off and get hitched in the middle of the night just so they wouldn't have to learn their lyrics. I'm sure of it.

Ok. Judgment time. I just don't get it. They have an entire night to partition out and learn one song. And they only have to sing about what? Ninety seconds in each group? Not even a whole song. How can they not remember the words? It's like cramming for a test, only you only have to cram for about a third of the test, because the professor decides about a third of the way through that you've done enough.

So of course, they start dropping like flies forgetting the words.

Matt Sato is one of them. What, no tears when you get kicked off?

Perla is the weakest link in her group, and she says in perfect English that it's her job to prove them wrong. Dude, where's your English when it matters? Anyway, when it matters, she screws up and sounds awful, and the rest of the group is great, and Salpeneloperla is out. Adios.

Chris Sligh's group is great, they sound like 'NSYNC! They have the beatboxer, and oh, I've missed 'NSYNC! Yay! Claps all around from me.

Sundance's group. Oh no. He is forgetting lyrics, jumping in early, the girls aren't very good... they put him through to the next round anyway, and Simon tells Paula a couple of times that she was very generous with him. Sundance knows it and says he has to pull something together or else.

In Baylie Brown's group, Antonella is the only one who remembers her words. Baylie remembers only two words. The other blonde chick, who isn't memorable at all and will be gone within seconds if she even gets to the voting rounds, forgets some of her words too. The best friends make it through, and Baylie goes home. I'm really disappointed in her. Man, I wanted to see her in the top five. She has one of the best voices this season. Period. Then one of the BFFs (not Antonella) tries to say that it's because God likes good people. That is one of the snobbiest and stupidest things I've ever heard. That is so RUDE! Whatever, you'll be gone soon too. What then? God hates you then? Idiot. Ryan says her name is Amanda. Baylie says she worked so hard and didn't flirt all night, and BFF Amanda says I didn't flirt. We never flirt. Flashback to last night when Amanda was flirting at 3:30 a.m. and then Antonella and Baylie had to give up on Amanda and go to bed without their routine ready.

So they do the thing where they split them up into three rooms, and at this point, really I have no horses in the race. I'd like to see Antonella make it through, because I like her voice, and I think she has an insufferable BFF, and I know that if Antonella makes it through and Amanda doesn't, then Amanda will go the rest of her life thinking, "Well if only I hadn't asked Antonella to go down to that audition with me, I might have made it through to the next round instead of her." Oh don't beat yourself up, Amanda. If you hadn't asked Antonella to go with you, you wouldn't have made it to Hollywood, babe.

I'm happy to see Sundance and Chris through to the top 40. And Gina from a couple seasons ago and that Indian boy, but his sister didn't get through. And Antonella made it, but not Amanda. Amanda is pretending to be happy for Antonella. Yes Amanda. Because God likes good people.

William Green from Dallas just isn't sure which key he wants to use for "Amazing Grace", and that sort of offends me. Too funny, he's so nice about being told no, and then when he leaves, he says, "Now when I leave, I'm gonna talk trash, but that's just for the camera, ok?" And the judges tell him, ok, represent! And he goes out yelling and talking trash, and it's funny, and the judges are cracking up. I forgive him for utterly destroying "Amazing Grace".

I mean, seriously. They can't kill off Ryan instead? I really liked him at first, but he started getting all whiney after he shot himself in the eye with the nail gun. And he gets preachy and stupid occasionally. I'm just sayin', if they have to kill off a CSI, why not him? Horatio has already lost his brother and his wife. It is just wrong for him to also lose his brother-in-law, even if he was only married for about five minutes before Delko's sister was killed.

Oh yes. American Idol. Akron Watson is William Green's cousin and is also from Dallas. He's a much better singer than his cousin, but yes, Simon is correct. No personality, boring when he's not singing. So Paula suggests he start singing again to keep Simon interested, and he sings "Let's Get it On". Yawn. But Simon is impressed, and he's through to Hollywood. He is very happy.

Sandie Chavez of Houston. I think that's supposed to be "Black Velvet". I mean, I recognize those words, but that is not the tune. I think that's the sound Minerva makes when Rowdi gets too close to her. Wow, it's an all-out breakdown from her.

Ashlyn Carr from Sugarland. Is that two words? I always thought it was one. She sings, and I'm typing and doing other things, so I'm not watching her, so it sounds good to me. Randy and Paula both pass on her because of her facial expressions, and I'm really confused because she sounded really good, but again, I wasn't watching. As she's leaving, Simon says he would have said yes, then he tells the other two judges that they made a mistake. She's already out at the street, and Seacrest has to flag her down, because Randy and Paula are like, ok, ok, maybe we should give her another shot. Ok, I rewound. The facial expressions are over the top, but I'm pretty sure that can be fixed. She's just hamming and doing what I'll bet her choir teacher told her to do. You know why they went and got her back? Because she didn't start cussing and throwing a fit. It's nice how she responded to the rejection.

Ok, so she comes back in and sings another song for them. Simon tells her she has very bad habits but she's too good to pass up. Randy likes her because she's unique. Paula says she has bad habits (don't we all, Ms. Abdul?). Oh, and while Simon is talking to her, he's rubbing all over his chest like he's trying to rub seasoning into a plump, whole chicken. Get those seasonings in there good, Simon! Rub in that salt and pepper! And when they tell her she's going to Hollywood is when she should jump across the table and kiss them all, but she barely even thanks them. She crosses herself and saunters out the door.

Jimmy McNeal from Waxahachie is the last auditioner, and he's singing "Cupid". He has a very nice voice. Very strong. Haha. He's going to Hollywood, and he tells his daughter, "I'm going to Hollywood." Her response is, "So?"

*sigh* Ryan just said something about the people who made it to Hollywood from Texas and then said, "Will we have another American Idol from the south?" If you're implying that Texas is in the south, Ryan, I'm not sure how many times you need to be told. I'm sure I've said it before. First of all, Texas stands alone. Second of all, if you must lump Texas in with a region, it's in the southwest. Not the south. I do not put sugar in my tea. That is disgusting.

Tomorrow, my DVR says that AI will be the best auditions of the season. Is that a trick to get me in the door, and then they show me the worst ones? Either way I suppose I'll watch.

Brandon Rogers has been a background singer for Anastasia and Christina Aguilera. He's singing "You Were Always on My Mind". He has a good tone, but he's getting pitchy in quite a few spots. If he were a cruise ship, I would be a little seasick. But the judges are all over him. They love him like Joe Biden loves Barak Obama. I believe Olivia Newton-John might even have remarked about how clean he is. I think he will be good, but again, I heard that a lot differently than the judges did, and I did not get the flittery chillywoos like Paula and Olivia did. Simon said best of the day. Okay.

Brian Miller got knocked out in Hollywood week last year and is back this year. Based on the voice and the adorable boy looks, I'd say yes.

Sherman Pore, 64, is singing a song for his lady who just died of cancer ("You Belong to Me"), two days before the audition. Their project was getting signatures for his petition to audition for AI, and he thinks that lifted her spirits while she was fighting the cancer. Even Simon doesn't give him a hard time and asks to shake his hand when he's done singing.

And OF COURSE I've got big ol' tears in my eyes. That was sweet.

Cavett and Darold are all over each other and are both auditioning. I have so many comments I could make. I won't. Anyway, two notes out of her mouth, and I'm sure she won't make it, because wow, I... just can't comment. Because if I say what that sounded like, y'all will think I'm commenting on her appearance, and I'm not. And she's singing about going down. That's highly inappropriate, and now she's flirting with Simon and winking and licking her lips, etc. And Darold is no better. They're made for each other. Two peas in a pod.

Eric Mueller is the last contestant of the day, and his falsetto is so high that only Justin Timberlake could hit that... if someone kicked him in the gralls!

Oh. AT&T is a sponsor of American Idol. I guess we can't watch it anymore. Sorry, y'all.

Next week it's San Antonio.

Victoria Watson has Crystal Gayle hair. She's a very sweet girl. She's singing "You Raise Me Up" by Josh Groban. She has a pretty voice but it's not Idol standard. Very nice when they told her no, though. No, please don't cry, because you're nice, and you'll make me sad, and I've been beaten down for two whole days and don't need to be sad tonight. But best of luck to you.

Lakia Hall. No no no no no no no no no. There is no reason for that ever to have been broadcast into my livingroom. No no. That was not nerves. What people say you can sing? No no. Don't do that. Ever.

Haha. Did y'all see that Ford commercial? Watch the text at the bottom of the screen. I thought it was going to be roughly the standard text.

Nichole Gatzman. She has the beginnings of a good voice but misses a fifth and goes up a third instead (or something like that) in "Something to Talk About". Randy says she's not ready yet but to keep trying. She's not bad, though, so she really should keep trying. She's just young. I was

Brandy Patterson is singing "Like a Virgin", and... oh. Then "Proud Mary". Wow. Um. She goes on for about ten minutes. We're cracking up at Simon cracking up because she is just so out there.

Tomorrow the auditions are in L.A. So if they get through to Hollywood, I guess the judges say "welcome to here."

Fania Tsakalakos. She is from Athens and New Jersey. I will say for her that she is dressed modestly. And she was very nice when she got the big "No". Everything else was odd and just... no. But she was nice.

Ashanti Johnson is a repeat customer. Twice in Hollywood? Why is her eyeshadow two different colors? I mean on the different eyes, a different color. Oh! Did she just swallow a canary? Dude. Carole Bayer Sager totally looks like Joan Collins right there. And Ashanti is begging from the depths of her soul now with a prepared monologue. You're done, sweetie. Get over yourself. And since you want to know what America thinks, and I'm one American... I would not have voted for that canary you swallowed that made my eyebrows join my hairline. Sorry. It's a no.

The BFF Saga

Oh goodness. Next up are Paris and Nicole. Or Paris and Brit and Lindsay. Or whichever two are best friends this weekend. Both very pretty, both very talkative in their little story clip. So the duet thing is an absolute trainwreck, and Simon recommends they split up for the audition. So Amanda Coluccio sings first, and she sings "Crazy" by Patsy Cline. It's ok, and you can tell she has a good voice, but she's nervous and goes off-key a few times. She's the one with more stage presence, more personality. The judges aren't "Crazy" about her, but they can tell she's nervous and decide to push her through to Hollywood. You can tell that the judges are just so tired by the time they've gotten to New York, that they're like, "Yeah, whatever, you're not crappy, you'll do." They're thankful to not have crap. Not to say she won't be good. But two seasons ago, she would have been a no, or been asked to sing another song.

Amanda gets her ticket to Hollywood, hugs her best friend and runs out of the room. Which I'm thinking is kinda sorry of her, because her best friend stuck around for moral support, but there goes Amanda right out of the room. No moral support for you, sorry! Gotta go celebrate. Her friend is genuinely happy for her. I can tell, because my Tivo freeze frame says so.

Next up is BFF#2, Antonella Barba. I can tell the first couple of bars in, she's better than Amanda. Those are the facts, I just lay them out. And her audition is better. Paula and Simon both say so, too. Four immediate yeses from the judges, and Paula tells her not to ever say "she's trained and I'm not". Antonella says, "Well, also, she didn't have her best audition. She's really good." LOL, Simon gives her showbiz advice and says to kick her while she's down. She says no way, not my best friend and walks out with her ticket to Hollywood.

Awkwardness afterward when BFF#1 Amanda asks, "So what did they say to you after I left? What were their comments to you? Do you think they thought you were good?" No, dufus, they let me through just as a favor to you because you were so, like, totally awesome! BFF#2 should have slapped BFF#1. BFF#2 was sooo diplomatic. "Oh yeah. Paula said that I should never say that you're trained and I'm not, because I was really good." And BFF#1 says, "Oh, good!" BFF#2 left out the part about the judges liking BFF#2 better.

I bet Lean Cuisine night was fun for them tonight. BFF#1 should be very grateful for BFF#2 sticking up for her.

End The BFF Saga... For Now!

Clifton Biddle. He plays the harmonica, just like Taylor Hicks. But he talks really slowly. He likes making people scream. Yes, so do serial killers. What is the DEAL with people starting their songs with the lead-in claps and stomps tonight? He's a yeller.

An astronaut, now that's one I hadn't thought of. I hope he sang "Fly Me to the Moon". Or "Moon River". Or "Moon and New York City", incredibly apropos.

Kia Thornton is singing "Ain't No Way" by Aretha Franklin. She can sing, it's a yes from me.

New York Day 2
brought to you by the Homedics Shiatsu Massaging Back Cushion

Jenry Bejarano. Wow, he's only 16? He has a very nice voice, great audition. I say yes. Except he spells Henry with a J, and that weirds me out. I'll try to look past it.

Nakia. Paula is so not into her. Oh no. "Dancing in the Streets". I abhor that song. I actually thought she sang it well, which makes me abhor myself. And then they make her sing a second song and ask her to sing with less energy, and she sings "Dreamin'", a much slower song. It's bad, because her voice is exposed, and it's a no from the judges. She can't handle it. She says she can't handle hearing no anymore, and not just with singing. That's very sad. She seems nice, but this is not American Fix All Your Problems. I'm sorry, I'm just pointing out the obvious. You're all thinking it. Except Socialism O'Donnell, who wants the judges to let her through just because she's nice, forget that it's a singing competition, and wants me to pay for everyone else's daycare and health care and boob jobs and tooth laminates. Pardon me for wanting to spend my money on my own life and letting you plan for your own.

Oh, I'm sorry, how did that political semi-rant get in there? My bad. The kids aren't saying that anymore, either. I know. I'm not even saying that anymore.

Sarah Goldberg. She, too, is singing "Dreaming". Joan Collins just asked "Do you really think you can sing?" and she said "No." She's sure she can be the next American Idol because... Oh, I can't even do this. I can't type. I'm laughing too hard. And now I'm just staring. I actually agree with Rosie at this moment. She's clinically insane. She thinks she can be the next American Idol because they can teach her to sing. Her friends laugh at her tonedeafness all the time, and still she came to audition. She's my all-time favorite clinically insane (allegedly, of course) American Idol contestant. EVER! I LOVE HER! I need a catchphrase for her. She kept saying, "That is RUDE!" over and over. I guess that's it. I'll go back and watch her again later, but she was BRILLIANT! Actually, the only thing she needed to complete her outfit was the stick pony. You know, with the stuffed horse head and the stick body? So the catchphrase, which will come from her FOR SURE, will either be, "That is RUDE!" or "Dear Buddha, please bring me a pony and a plastic rocket." (Firefly reference)

Antonio Torres Jr. is 47 and has lost his Ks. He sings about "New Yor New Yor". What a frea.

Jory Steinberg. She's a Canadian living in Santa Monica. Canada + California. That's 2 strikes. :-D She can sing, but I'll hold a grudge to Hollywood. She even sang a song that referenced that weird Canadian letter "Zed". Unless you're Weird Al, that's not ok here in MexAmeriCanada, Sparky. Off with yer head! The judges LOVE her.

Porcelana Patino. She has trained herself 8 hours a day (physically), plus the singing, for an entire year to get ready for her audition. I wasn't blown away by the singing (it was good, just not great to me), but I can hear potential, so I'm fine with her going through, especially hearing the other ehs who have been getting through and knowing how hard she works. She gives Randy, Paula, and Joan/Carole a group hug that Simon wants no part of. Oh, and mind your crack, sweetie.

Girls who wear the ultra-low-rises should really mind the cracks. Aaaaand. LOL. I had no idea Ryan was straight. He's totally checking out the crack while she's hugging her boyfriend! I love the moments that the camera catches when the people are clueless.

Oh, a montage! Apparently Olivia Newton-John is going to guest-judge later this season. She's in the montage.

Christopher Henry. A Simon Cowell lookalike? I would have said Ryan Seacrest. I'm sure Simon would love to hear that. Yes, George Michael too, but I would have said Seacrest. Oh snap. He's singing "Before Your Love". She? He, I think. Ouch, I think my earwax just jumped out of my ear in protest. That was high, out of tune, and offensive. Shame on you. I had to rewind to get his name, and I usually just let it play while I type, but I couldn't bear to do that. I had to fast forward. Oh. Paula just called Simon a sphincter. Except she used that ugly name for it that y'all know I won't type on a blog. :-)

Rachel Zevita, 18, goes to school for opera. If they find out she's there, she's going to get kicked out. Don't worry. No one watches this show. They'll never find out. They make her sing three different songs, and in my opinion, she's outstanding on all three. She does rock, pop, opera, and she's fantastic. I LOVE her. Randy is done after three seconds of the rock song, but Joan saves her. She says, "I like that, I want to hear something different." After the pop song, Simon thinks it's scary, so Randy wants to hear opera, and she kills on that one too. Simon asks who she wants to be. She says, "Every week you guys pick something different. I can sing anything." I believe her. She says she's a singer, a songwriter, a rockstar. I hope so.

Chris Richardson. He said "interpretated". I cannot take him seriously. I don't care how well he sings. He said "interpretated". One too many syllables. Too bad. Such a nice voice. It's a no from me but a yes from the judges. I just know that if he's a big star, he'll act like K-Fed or something. Interpretated by me, he could turn out to be a media nightmare.

Nicholas Pedro bowed out of the competition last year because he couldn't learn "Build Me Up Buttercup" in time for his group song in Hollywood. Not a hard song. He's singing "Fly Me to the Moon", and it's really good (does go offkey once, maybe twice, but just barely), but will he crack up in Hollywood again? Maybe he'll take it seriously this time. We shall see. He gets another shot.

Isadora Furman is a clairvoyant. Please don't be better than Sarah Goldberg, because she just became my all-time favorite and deserves so much more time at the top. She's singing that "Lady Marmalade" song. No really. And dancing around with a tambourine. And a white satin hat. In clogs. It's hideous. And now she just went into another song.

Winner: Sarah Goldberg. I LOVE her. Dear Buddha, Please bring me a pony and a plastic rocket... That's so RUDE!

I don't know which I like better. You decide.

Wandera Hitchye. I thought she was pretty good. Not crazy about the hair or the necklace of scrubbing bubbles, but I liked the raspy gospel voice. Man, I hate it when they go out of the room and just go crazy insane and scream at the camera and start flipping the bird and ripping off clothes. Where did these people learn how to act in public?

BTW, I’m loving all the shots of Simon playing on his Crackberry when contestants come into the room. He must be texting with his hot girlfriend. I luv u, baby. Missin u! xoxox much luv, Sweetums.

Travis McKinney. What in the world world world was that that that?

Danielle McCulloch. I kinda like that top. If it had sleeves I would wear it. It’s kinda Chloe O’Brien on a self-conscious date. The song. She went a little off-key at the end, and she didn’t blow me away… I’m a sucker for the high notes, and I’m not sure she can hit them, but she’s really good in the lower registers. So we’ll see what she can do. I think she’ll be good for a few rounds, but I don’t think she’ll go much farther than Melissa McGhee (who I also liked).

Topher McCain. His wife left him because she (allegedly) didn't like honoring marriage vows. He sang "Footloose". And he got to go on national TV and tell the world that his wife is an adulteress and call her a bi***. Good on 'im. I only get to talk about my ex-husband like that on my blog, so there you go.

Paula is wearing a heart right in front of her collar bone.

Janita Burks. She is talking about dressing sexily but conservatively. She thinks the judges will see her as innocent, sexy, well-put-together, conservative... and she is spilling out everywhere. Not a whole lot of material on the top part of that innocent dress... concoction thingy. And she's singing Disco Inferno, a most innocent song. And then the start of something else.

Sean Michel from Bryant, Arkansas. "We're all kinda poor on the inside." Whatever, shut up. He looks like Castro and is singing "God's Gonna Cut You Down", the Johnny Cash song that is currently on my running playlist on my iPod. Ran to it today, actually. I did not expect that voice to come out of that beard. I love his tone;I say yes. The judges are surprised -- Simon was expecting something about the revolution. Maybe they can get him a stylist when he gets to Hollywood, no? They all say yes, starting with Simon, who raises his eyebrows at himself.

Melinda Doolittle, a professional background singer. Paris Bennett 2.0. She's really good. My only hangup is that she's going to be exactly what we had last year with Paris. Am I alone on this? Anyway, I want to hear more of her in Hollywood and see if I'm wrong. She's not as raspy as Paris, but really trilly like that. I could do with less trills, I guess that's what I'm trying to say.

Robert Lee Holmes. He writes stories, and the current story of his life ends with a period. Good gracious. What is he pointing at? You know, in HD, everything is so much clearer.

The judges are ruthless this season. They just laugh at everyone. And not Simon, it's Paula and Randy. And then Ryan just deadpans everyone and pretends to be their friend.

And that guy just pulled a towel out of his fly.

Philip Stacy. You couldn't have found another audition city? There are 8 or so. You have 9 months' warning. So you left your wife to deliver your baby so you could go audition for American Idol. You left your 9-months-pregnant wife at home. You are a prat. I hope you don't make it through. Too bad, too, because the voice wasn't awful. The beginning was bad, but it got better. No, Paula and Randy are wrong. He starts his songs poorly, and then they get better, just like Simon said. Either way, I don't like him because of the whole ditching his wife to audition thing. Yes, I dislike complete strangers. That's me, SarahK. Nice to meet you.

And I'll say again. I'd prefer to see fewer of the duds and more of the goods.

Tomorrow is New York.

Milo again notices that Morris is not working on what Milo wants him to work on. Morris says Chloe has tasked him, but Chloe says she hasn't. The obvious thing is that Morris is a mole, but that's way too obvious. So are they making it way too obvious so we'll think it's way too obvious and be surprised when it's true? Here's what I think. Morris has found a mole and is trying to prove it. Frank thinks that's a deadhorse subplot. I'm ok with mole subplots. But not stupid sister and daughter whose stupidity gets other people into danger and diverts attention from important things like fighting terrorists subplots.

At the White House, they're discussing nuclear casualties. As soon as Karen says "hundreds of thousands," Wayne says, "Get me Jack Bauer." That sounds about right. We just tried to kill him a couple of hours ago, let's ask him to fix this! He'll say yes, because he's an idiot. And I hate him.

Rico is still pushing Assad out. "There is no us. There is us, and there's you." See, Curtis gets it. I'm so sad, knowing this is his last hour. All because he gets it. Make sure to remember that this guy you're supposedly working with is a twenty year terrorist. I'm sure Walid Shoebat is all nice to you now, but you don't go from knowing he's the bad guy to being best friends in a matter of beepy boopy hours. Disclaimer (before y'all get all correcty on me since I hate your superhero now): I don't know Shoebat's story, I'm just saying, we probably didn't trust that guy and give him a key to the Oval Office the minute he said, "Hey, I'm a good guy now!"

President Waynewreck wants Jack to take control of the search for bin Diesel. You know, after everything we've already asked for, and us sacrificing you all the time and whatnot. Do us a favor? Jack says, "Of course, Mr. President. My life is a joke. I'll do anything for a free cheese pizza. And since you're in charge of the country, no one will notice if I hose it all up, because they'll think I was acting on your orders. You know, since you're the worst president in the history of the country." Waynewreck tells Jack to report to Bill. "Oh, and call me anytime. Since we're such good friends and I like to sacrifice you for the team and stuff."

Jack tells Curtis that he is in charge of the search, and he really needs Curtis to work with Assad. Because Jack can't do this without Curtis's help. "You know. Until later, when I shoot you in the neck." It's fun knowing the outcome and that I hate the writers before I write my snark. Too bad this will probably be the only one I write like this. Until Jack decides to off Chloe because he doesn't like her perfume, or because he really wants her purse and she won't give it to him. No wait. Chloe doesn't strike me as being a perfume-wearer. I'm not one. Curtis reminds Jack that in the past, Jack would have seen through Assad in a minute. "What did the Chinese do to you? Besides take away your purse? Is that what this is about? Do you want me to buy you a new one?" Jack asks if there's something Curtis needs to tell him. I have something to tell you, Jack. You suck! Jack wants to know if there's history. Assad interrupts and says he decoded the message, and there is a "visitor" to arrive on Thursday, and that "visitor" is Muslim-speak for weapon. It arrived on Thursday, and since that's past-tense, they must need Numir to make the weapon operational. Jack tells Curtis that finding bin Diesel and Numir is most important. When Rico Suave walks off, Jack calls Chloe and tells her to run a crosscheck between Assad and Rico to see why Rico won't work with Assad. Maybe because Assad is a terrorist. Even one who wants to stop blowing stuff up in favor of getting his throngs "involved in the political process" doesn't sound too sunshiney to me, actually. A bunch of Muslims get elected and establish a caliphate. That's loads of fun for all the non-Muslims! I love being stoned for showing my forearms or going outside without my husband. Let's all pardon the terrorist. Where was I? Oh yes. Not expressing my political views. Jack tells Chloe he needs to get Assad and Rico to work together, and he knows there's something Rico's holding back. Perchance Rico doesn't favor getting shot in the neck. Chloe scowls that she'll get on it when she can.

Numir and bin Diesel kiss like all straight men do, and they talk about the device. The music is Halloweeny.

Ahmed swallows a bottle of pills, and if the nurse mom was smart she would have given him something strong. Suburban dad calls and says that if Ockmed doesn't let his family go, he'll destroy the nuke component, which SD doesn't know goes to a nuke. Mute Boy still doesn't speak. Ockmed agrees to let one go, SD says let the boy go, so Ockmed lets mom go. Which is good, because I'm not sure Mute could have called the cops. Of course, Ockmed is threatening that if the cops show up, Mute gets it. When mom is away from the house, she calls SD to tell him she's ok. He tells her not to risk calling the cops. Mom obviously doesn't have a gun, or she could have tried shooting Ockmed through the livingroom window. As long as she doesn't have something like prefrag ammo that is going to fragment in her face, and the window isn't too thick. At the very least, she would have distracted him long enough to get off a second shot or let her son run away. But yeah, maybe she should leave this one up to the cops. Ockmed was really having a hard time killing Mute. They were buds and all.

SD tells Mom, "Do not call the police," and calls Ockmed, who gives SD the address to take the package, and Mute's little ears perk up. When you can't speak, you can't hear any better, but you learn to focus your other senses better. It shouldn't take him longer than a half hour. In LA traffic. Mom promptly calls the police and tells them her son is being held hostage by a terrorist.

9:19a.m.: Morris and Milo are still squabbling, and Chloe jumps in. Morris is being a real jerk. Chloe says, "We know what this is all about. This is about me. Everybody loves me, and there's only one fabulous Chloe. I'm sorry. I chose Morris." She reminds Morris that yeah, she dated Milo a couple of times, but she chose Morris. So stop being jealous. Morris shapes up right away and tells Milo he was never jealous. Milo's cool. They're cool. They make up, and everything is fine. It's all fine. Guys are so silly when they try to see who can pee the farthest. Just like gastroenterologists, who, by definition, suck.

Bill patches a call through to Whack, and it's Suburban Mom, who drops the name Fayed bin Diesel, and Whacky Jack is all ears. They were on the phone for about six seconds, so naturally, they have a location on the mom. Horatio Caine would have just asked. But Whack has to be all secretive about it. Rico points out that they shouldn't take one terrorist on a tactical mission to subdue another terrorist. Interesting point, says Whack, but "Overruled! You just sit there and look handsome, Rico!"

Meanwhile, at the Oval Office, Waynewreck, Karen (redubbed Mr. F), and Bisquick are having a meeting with a diplomat to see if he thinks Assad is really for real turning over a new leaf. He says, "Mmm, yeah, I think so." And is he influential? And could it be a step towards peace? "Oh. Um... yeah." That is good enough for President Waynewreck, so he decides that even though Assad hasn't asked for anything like immunity or a pardon... We should give him a full and complete pardon for all of his past crimes, because... because... FOR NO GOOD REASON AT ALL! SO THAT AS SOON AS HE HAS HIS NEATO LITTLE PARDON AGREEMENT IN HIS FILTHY LITTLE TERRORIST HANDS, HE CAN SAY, OH, BY THE WAY, I REALLY HAVEN'T RENOUNCED TERRORISM... I'M WORKING WITH BIN DIESEL AFTER ALL! NOW GIVE ME JACK BAUER'S HEAD ON A PLATTER! Yes, Salome, whatever you wish for. Now please, dance for me again.

Waynewreck calls Jack and is like, "Lemme talk to your friend Assad," and then is all, "If you help us get bin Diesel and do some peace talks and stuff and talk your followers into being nice to the United States and all, I'll totally pardon you for everything forever and ever, amen," and Assad's all, "Dude. Am I in charge of your country now? I think so. So, um, give it all to me in writing, and I want a house on Pennsylvania Avenue, with a goat in a corral in the Rose Garden. And a harem. Don't forget the harem." And Waynewreck's like, "You totally got it, bro," and Assad's like, "Don't call me brother, infidel!" And the whole time, SarahK and Rico are trippin' and looking at each other with the, "Are you kidding me?" eyes.

And then BlacKim calls for the president with the dumb sister subplot, and I'm to the pantry for some Chee-Tos, because I can have those (they're gluten-free). Yawn, yawn, yawn. LOL, Bisquick agrees with me, he thinks it would make a great law review article but incredibly boring TV. You know who would like this crap? The people who continued watching Boston Legal after the pontificatory credit card episode. BlacKim threatens to embarrass Waynewreck. Um, he's doing a mighty fine job of that one himself, okay? He just agreed to give a goat and a corral to a terrorist.

Meanwhile, BlacKim's boyfriend Walid is in the Muslim detention center. The other Muslims don't want to be his friend because he's wearing a white shirt or something. Or maybe because he's cozy with the president's sister, and they know she might get him attacked by cougars. They want to stay safe from the cougars! Only one man will be nice to him, and that's someone who wants to know if Walid told the guards anything. Walid overlistens to the others on the playground, because they won't let him in on their conversations.

Suburban Dad arrives to deliver his package. He is attacked by a terrorist with a P99. At least that terrorist likes good guns.
SD is like, "Ahmed sent me! Ahmed sent me!"
"You said Ockmed wrong!"
"I don't know an Ockmed! My neighbor kid Ahmed sent me with this to give to bin Diesel!"
"It's Ockmed!"
"He never corrected me!"
"I blame you!"
SD actually tells the terrorists that he has a deal with Ahmed that his son will be released. Hey. Dude. They're terrorists. They don't care about you and your family. Bin Diesel calls and tells Ockmed to kill the boy. Because terrorists are such honorable people. Awwww. Ockmed asks if that's necessary. Makes me still not feel sorry for the little demon.

Ok, that's ridiculous. They're already selling the 24 season premier on DVD. There will be actual humans that will buy that.

9:37a.m.: Bisquick, Waynewreck, and Mr. F meet to go over the pardon agreement for Assad. Mr. F is just as stupid as Waynewreck. Bisquick is trying to be reasonable. At the end of the scene, Waynewreck appreciates Bisquick's loyalty all the more. Ooh, maybe he'll betray the president like Mike Novick did in season 2. Bisquick is the only sane one. I'd hate to see him go all insane like Whack Bauer.

Jack says "Copy that" to a man who says something to his face, which is totally ridiculous. They are in the suburbs. Mute suddenly speaks up and asks Ockmed, "Why aren't you talking?" Uh, why so verbose all of a sudden, Sparky? Ockmed starts yelling all evil and Muslimmy and tells Mute to get up. He makes Mute kneel and turn around, but I'm thinking that if the only way a terrorist can kill someone is execution-style, maybe don't turn around. Make him shoot you in the face. Make a play for the gun. He's gonna shoot you anyway, so you might as well fight for it. If he shoots you in the process, at least you didn't just sit there. Throw your body at him. It's not like your hands are bound or anything. Aww, it's so sweet. Ockmed says he's sorry right before almost pulling the trigger. Anyway, Curtis and Jack show up, Ockmed tries to run, and a nametagger (someone who needs a nametag if I'm to know his name) shoots Ockmed. Whack is very upset, because this is the link to bin Diesel! What will we do? And Mute, who has miraculously rediscovered his vocal chords in this scene, comes up with the address that he overheard Ockmed telling his dad to take the package to. "You're gonna save my dad, right?" Whack says, "No. I mean, we're gonna do everything we can. But hey, at least you didn't die, which is good for you, and which is not anything I care about. I only care about cheese pizza."

9:48a.m.: At CTU, Chloe has downloaded bin Diesel's location via satellite, but no one is coming or going. They get on the phone with President Waynewreck, who is so happy he could pardon a terrorist!

At the Muslim holding facility, BlacKim goes to see her boyfriend Walid, and finally the dumb subplot has some kind of meaning that doesn't have me scratching my eyeballs out of their sockets. Walid has been eavesdropping on the other Muslims. He tells BlacKim what he has heard, which is an Arabic phrase. He doesn't speak Arabic, but he's heard the same phrase over and over, so he wants BlacKim to tell the phrase to the FBI and see if it means anything. She says, "You overheard it in a facility where you and all these other people are being detained illegally!" And he says what we've all been saying. Well, everyone except the freakin' ACLU, which everyone except the ACLU hates. "Stop being a lawyer for one minute!" You're a Muslim! Beat her into silence! She talks too much anyway, we'd all be ok with it. Even us Christians. Anyway, he's an American first -- actually, I'm pretty sure with that accent he either just likes America or is from some part of the deep deep south that I've never heard of -- and doesn't want the country attacked, so he tells her to shut her trap and go to the FBI with the information, whether she agrees with the detention centers or not. She says she will. We'll see.

Meanwhile, back at the suburbs, Jack is showing Assad his pardon that he's getting for no particular reason. Rico sees Whack shaking hands with Assad and gets the Crazy Eyes. Jack leaves Assad at the table, because Assad wants to take his time to read the sweet, sweet pardon he's being given, and goes to talk to Curtis.

"Hey. Hey, Curtis. How you doin', my friend? Nice weather, right? I didn't think President Waynewreck would pardon Assad so quickly, but... you know... stuff happens."

Rico says, "Well... if that's the way it has to be... that's the way it has to be."

SarahK is asking, "Why are we pardoning this guy who wasn't asking for a pardon who was working with us anyway to stop the attacks and had already said he wanted to renounce terrorism and all that without asking for anything? Um..."

Rico Suave stares into SarahK's eyes. "Plot device, SarahK." He puts on his sunglasses and walks outside. "Plot device."

Suburban mom comes inside and creates a diversion. Mute goes mute again. Chloe calls to tell Jack, who is Whack, why Curtis hates Assad with such rage. After Desert Storm, Curtis was in the Army. Curtis's squad was ambushed. Five dead, two captured, and Curtis wounded and unable to go after his captured compadres. Assad's Lieutenant forced Curtis's men to beg for their lives and then beheaded them both. I'm on Curtis's side.

Ever notice how Jack has to close one eye to aim? I don't. I shoot with both eyes open. Just saying. Tactical advantage. I have all of my peripheral vision intact. Because I'm awesome. Unlike Jack Bauer, who kills good Americans in favor of terrorists.

So Assad signs his pardon agreement and looks quite smug, like he just won the goat lottery, and Curtis follows him out to the Suburban. "You still don't remember? Special forces?" He lists some other details for Assad, who's like, "Whaaaat? Now that I'm pardoned, none of that stuff ever happened! You and I could be best buds! It's like I never even accidentally cut someone off in traffic!" Now, if the writers didn't hate the viewers, they could have just had Curtis pop him in the back of the head, and everything would have been fine, because then the nuke goes off, and hey, CTU needs the manpower so they can't very well throw Curtis in jail for terroristslaughter now! But no. They hate us. So they drag it out, and Rico ends up behind Assad, using Assad as a shield, with Jack facing off with Rico.

"Don't do it, Curtis!"
"I have to, Jack, he's a monster!"
"By order of the President of the United States! Stand down!"
"You mean that joke of a president that signed this guy's pardon? That guy? No, I don't think so."
"Well then... by... order of the Power of Grayskull!"
"I never liked He-Man!"
"I oughta shoot you now, but the sun's in my eyes! All work and no play makes Jack Whack!"
"What'd the Chinese do to you, man?"
"They made me eat Hot & Sour Soup! Have you ever tried that crap? It's just slimy water!"
"Well, I'm sorry, Jack, but I can't let this animal live."
Assad says, "I don't like that soup either! Please!"
"Curtis, you know how I am when I give my word, and I gave that guy my word really early this morning, before I wiped the sleep out of my eyes and saw he was a terrorist."

So Jack shoots Curtis in the neck, and it's the worst plot twist ever ever. Ever. Just because a plot twist is shocking doesn't make it good.

And Assad jumps into the truck. And Jack drops his gun and throws his hands up in the air and cries like a girl, because he should, because he made the wrong choice. Oh, don't worry, Whack, the writers made you do it. And Whack goes and throws up by a tree with his Dumbledoresque hand. And Bill calls to console him and tell him he did the right thing. No you didn't. Horatio would have found another way. Bill says, "Curtis didn't leave you any choice." Yeah, well Bill's a tool whose wife chose to move to the other side of the continent rather than stay in the same city with him, so that tells you what his opinion is worth. Plus, she's the Mr. F who's the worst National Security Advisor ever to the worst president ever. So you decide if Bill's opinion is any good.

It's not.

Bill says they need Assad alive. Whatever. I'm sure he'll betray you before the end of the day. Jack says he can't do this anymore. I say bring in the Caine. They hang up, and Jack cries like the girl he is. They get word Ockmed is dead.

At bin Diesel's warehouse, the tactical team moves in. Everyone watches on their flatscreen TVs. Tax dollars are paying for that? They should not have flatscreens in the Oval Office for watching ops. It's not necessary. The tac team and BD's team engage, and Numir turns on the nuke as Suburban Dad yells "NOOOOOO!"

Jack watches the mushroom cloud go up north of LA in Valencia. In the OO, they watch it on their flatscreen. At CTU, they watch on their monitors.

President Waynewreck makes his first non-wrong decision of the day when he tells Mr. F to gather all first response teams and that LA will have all the country's resources.

At CTU, they get word from the FBI that a phrase kept popping up. Nadia translates it to mean "five visitors". Bill says this means there are four more nukes.

On the next 24, which I no longer care about, Jack is predictably back in. An admiral wants to nuke the Muslims back into the stone age, where they want to live. Jack finally meets Ron Howard's lookalike. Big whoop.

Darwin Misha Reedy. Um... did she forget her bra? Because her boobs are around her ankles, and that does not happen when you wear a bra. Ok, she's from Houston, Texas. And she just won't stop talking. And they've brought in her mother now. And she's singing that "Dontcha" song. And winner. Winner so far. Best of the worst. Oh my. Two peas in a pod wrapped up in a novella.

Thomas Daniels. Two notes in, I know he's going through to Hollywood. He's good. I love his vocal quality.

Melissa Carleen Stavros. She has a dog named Tika. As in Chicken Tikka Masala? Her voice sounded ok at first other than the nervous shaking, but she screwed up the words starting with about word #4, and then it went way downhill. And the outfit. Bad outfit. But her personality wasn't awful like most of these we've been seeing.

Blake Lewis. Seattle's beatboxing champion. Beatboxing was good, voice was very nice. Did too much on the song, I was saying, "Oh, don't go crazy now." And I don't want to sound obnoxious, but I heard hints of Mr. A to Z in there. I liked him. He was good, I'm glad he's through to Hollywood. Oh yeah, but he needs to do something about that porcupine fest he calls hair.

David Mills. No no no.

Shyamali Malakar. She is so beautiful. Beautiful voice, too, and I was mesmerized. Shy at first, and nervous, but I think she'll come out.

Sanjaya Malakar. Actually has better showmanship than his sister, and a little stronger voice. But her voice made me stop and clutch my chest. So he'd better watch out, because when she starts singing louder and stronger, she's going to blow him out of the water.

Both are through to Hollywood, deservedly. On our honeymoon cruise, there were these two little Indian kids singing in the karaoke bar with their parents and grandparents watching. They were so cute, a brother and sister. They were singing "A Whole New World" together. Perfectly, note for note.

I just noticed Paula has cut down on her collagen intake since last season.

Nicholas Zitzmann. How can "Unchained Melody" be anyone's favorite song anymore? It's been so overdone. Plus, Kellie Pickler did it last year, right? That there would put a person off it. Oh, and this is worse than Pickler! I think he should go be a software engineer in the Salt Lake City area. Oh my goodness. I want to bake him a pie. I really am almost crying for him, it's so sad.

I realize, yes, everyone, that I need a new person to hate on this season, but y'all are gonna have to wait until the Hollywood rounds. Until then, I love to hate on Pickler. Plus, she's just so cute.

Rudy Cardenas. Singing Journey to Randy, you'd better know what you're doing. I was pleased, and then Simon stopped it with an "It's a no." Randy and Paula saved him. He was a little cocky, but the voice was good, so I think Simon was just being cranky.

Kenneth Briggs. He immediately talks too much. He's doing "Tearing up My Heart" by 'NSYNC, NO WAY!! And HE'S DOING THE DANCE! Oh no, Simon, that was too far. You don't attack a person's natural physical appearance. Where is your line? Do you have one? "Simon can kiss my ***, because I don't look like a monkey." Quote of the day.

Jonathan Jayne. Kenneth's friend. Oh my goodness, it's like Cartman singing, no lie! "In the ghetto-o-o-o-o-o-o..." He actually hit notes, but the serious Cartman vibrato was a little scary.

Eric Chapman, who thinks he is Taylor Hicks's twin. It's a no.

Ryan says, "I'm average." The first step is admitting it.

Anna Kearns from Wichita Falls. Ok, when asked how tall she is, she says she's 6'7". That's her height with heels. But um, without heels, she's 6'4". So, when someone asks how tall she is, she should say she's 6'4". She's not 6'7". As to the singing, before the judges started, I told Frank, she's loud, but she's really not that good. She's going to Hollywood. Simon is pouting, because Randy and Paula were incredibly rude to them.

Jordin Sparks. Beautiful girl, beautiful voice.

Y'all know I just like to give Seacrest a hard time. I like the guy, he's just fun to give a hard time.

Steven Thoen. Haha, he says he's not a big fan of the show. And he's done "kuh-ro-ky" a few times. Does he think looking like Carrot Top is a big compliment? And he's only seen the show a couple of times. He's very polite to the judges. And I think they would like to be polite back, but he's singing "Bohemian Rhapsody", and yowza. I have to agree, that was about as high on the weirdness scale as it gets.

Next week, it's Memphis.

Charles Moody from Brooklyn. Ok, he came in dressed as Apollo Creed singing opera but actually has a voice? I don't know. I think he could sing, but the judges were too confused by him.

Denise Jackson. Wow, ok, she was born as a crack baby, and she's all quiet, so I just have a feeling something big is going to come out of that little bitty body. She's adorable. Yes. She has a great, BIG voice, great attitude. Put her through. Frank said, "Maybe the mikes just couldn't handle her voice, but that wasn't very good at all." I turned and said, "What were you listening to?" and made him listen again. He thinks maybe she also chose a bad song. He didn't change his mind.

Tashawn Moore. Where do I apply to be a guest judge? I would have too much fun with that.

Perla Meneses. "Do you like Spanish girls, Ryan?" Um, I believe the question is, "Do you like girls, Ryan?" You know, at the beginning I thought maybe her voice wasn't terrible, but it was so =affected= that it was offputting. I just kept wrinkling my forehead. The second song was good, though. I good do with much less of the hip jiggles, but that's what would make me a terrible judge. I'm fine with her going through to Hollywood, but I don't think she'll last very long.

Matthew Volna. Oh dear. Throw him in Folsom Prison.

Jarrod Fowler from the USS Ronald Reagan. Sweet. I hope he's awesome because I totally wanna root for him! That's awesome, they had Reagan Idol on the USS Ronal Reagan. Ok, lose the arm movements, or at least tone them down, and you're totally in. And I agree with Randy about the turns. Don't do so many turns. See you in Hollywood.

They should get a sign for the left door that points to the right door. They keep having to say, "Other door," as the contestants are exiting.

Stephen Horst. I'm hopeful when there's a pitch-pipe. But oh my. And did he have to do that one note? It really made my small intestine jump. Maybe it contained gluten. Ugh. That was bad.

Michelle Steingas. Country girl. A little pitchy in one spot, but I like her personality. She's in.

Dayna Dooley with the world's greatest boss. I really wanted this to be good, and it was not, and that made me sad. Rowdi didn't like it either. Oh, now the judges are just being ugly to her and dragging the boss in and telling him that she's tone deaf. And when she sings to him (yes, TO him, and that's a little weird), it's much better, and maybe they should let her sing a third song. But they don't, and she's out.

Matt Sato. I don't know what to think about this one. He sounds good. He has a quirky look, I thought he was going to be awful from hearing him talk, and he was good. And he made it! Oh, and he's crying to his mama, and people will be talking about this one the same way they talk about Clay... you know. Y'all leave the poor kid alone. I won't be talking like that, I'm just saying that other people will.

Rachel Jenkins. Her husband is in Iraq, she's in the National Guard. She started out great, but then she changed keys about three times. I'm surprised, but they're putting her through. Especially after the look on Randy's face when she finished singing.

Sarah Krueger. Very pretty. She's singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow," and I would like to not hear anyone else sing this in the whole season. Katharine McPheevered it till it was done, and this girl did it pretty much note for note the same. At least do your own version, ok? But anyway, her voice is very nice. I think she'll be great. I like her.

Jason Anderson. Okay, I think we've discovered Simon's official facial expression of Season Six. Or at least Minneapolis. The Blank Stare. Well, the juggling was good. Oh, your poor mother is so embarrassed. By your behavior afterward.

Brenna Kyner. I'm totally out on her because Ace is her all-time favorite contestant. And she said, "And it's like..." like four hundred times, and like, that was, like, distracting.

Josh Blum. "Bad Day" by Fuel. Pretty effected. So they're telling him to come back in fifteen minutes with an Abba song. Oh dear. He comes back with "Dancing Queen," and Simon is almost giddy. It's the same raspy, effected voice. On "Dancing Queen"! Have to adapt.

Tomorrow night is Seattle.

I told Frank that if they killed Black Tony, I was out. Not only that, but they had Jack kill Black Tony? Jack never saw Speed? He couldn't shoot the hostage? Or shoot Curtis in the shoulder and disable him long enough to get Assad away from Curtis? Jack is whack.

Negotiating with terrorists, we have a wretched BlacKim subplot, and now GreyJack shoots Curtis to save a frakkin' terrorist. A really HORRIBLE one.

UPDATE: Oh, and here's a clue for you fancy Hollywood writers and all those people out in the interwebs who have been calling this one of the bestest episodes ever. Just because a plot twist is SHOCKING doesn't make it GREAT! That was one of the worst plot twists EVER EVER. And that aside, how can Jack and Curtis ever work together again? They can't. How can Curtis ever serve the US government again? He can't. I would emigrate to Australia if I were Curtis. How can Jack look at himself in the mirror ever again? And don't get me started on all the unnecessary cocking of semiautomatic guns in this episode!

Jack and Assad argue over going to CTU for help, and finally Assad agrees with GreyJack.

At CTU, Milo gives Morris an order to vet (vette? vett?) the French fighters, and they argue, and Chloe scowls. Jack calls Chloe. "Jack, my love, I didn't think I'd ever hear your voice again." "Chloe, not right now. Lemme talk to Bill." "Bill, my true love is on the phone."

Bill asks if GreyJack is sure he can trust Assad. Jack pauses, because he's like, "I don't know how to do this anymore, and I already told Assad that," but tells Bill he thinks so. That makes me feel really good! They're trying to follow BD's guy for Jack, but they can't just yet, so Jack asks them to send over Curtis's tac team.

Rico Suave is not pleased when he hears that GreyJack is bringing over Assad. Maybe a personal connection there?

Jack steals a car after throwing down it's owner in an unfriendly manner. That's California for you. Jack smashes into the terrorist with the stolen car so that his car is unusable, and Assad drives up in the other car and pretends to be a witness in favor of the other guy. Jack drives off angry, yelling about "you people," and Assad says he's going the same place as BD's guy and can drive him. He sets up his subliminal ad cell phone as a tracker and calls Jack, who patches through to CTU, and Assad drops the phone in the map pocket for a leisurely drive to Newhall. Or Newhole. Or the new hole in the ground they are going to make when they nuke LA (where else?).

Jack follows two miles behind, and wow, he has great vision if he can see that far. It's his new werewolf vision! Curtis is going to intercept Jack on is way to Newhall.

Bin Diesel assures his men that Ockmed is on his way to pick up the component for the thingy that they're building, and by the time the prisoners are in the air, it will be too late for the Americans.

Ockmed takes Scott (Dimwit) over to his house and holds his family at gunpoint. Scott's mom is conveniently a nurse, so she will be repairing his leg. Scott's dad will be delivering the package and picking up something else for Ockmed. If he hears or sees anything or blah blah blah, the family gets it. The dad leaves, and mom and kid stay behind with Ockmed. Scott appears to be mute.

Everybody: We don't negotiate with terrorists. Or elect Democrats. :-D

8:21a.m.: Chloe and Morris argue over Morris picking on Milo. Chloe is full of zingers, and we LOVE her. Morris has unlocked Milo's files. Karen updates President... um... didn't I use up all my synonyms for spineless, gutless, weenie, wuss, etc. on Logan last year? I'm out of words! At least Logan waffled between the good options and the bad sometimes. Wayne just plunges right into whatever is the worst possible option. Let's turn over America to the terrorists! That'll solve our problems, we saw the good it did two hours ago! Thumbs up!

Curtis picks up Jack and gives him official comms. Woohoo! Better to hear you with! Rico talks to Jack about Assad and wonders how Jack can work with Assad. Rico says Assad should pay for his past crimes (agreed!), and GreyJack says yeah, but he's renouncing terrorism, so Jack doesn't know what is right anymore. "Anyway, it's not our decision to make." Rico says, "We'll see about that." Jack wants to know what that means. Oh, nothing. Keep coo', yo. Keep coo'.

Ockmed sends Mute to the kitchen for some pain meds and water, and Mute grabs a knife. He doesn't use it just yet. Dun dun dunnnnnn. It will end badly for at least one of the non-Muslims.

8:32a.m.: At the prison, the French fighters are getting ready to be loaded onto the buses. At the White House, Bisquick tells Wayne that his stupid sister was arrested. So he's not paying attention to the prison stuff -- you know, the important stuff that shouldn't even be happening, so he can pay attention to the insignificant distraction. There's some bullcrap about what the country stands for. Yes, Walid, the country stands for obstruction of justice and deleting files right in front of FBI agents. However, why weren't the agents raiding mosques instead of the IAA.

Kim-andra. Wait. Should we call her BlacKim? I like that. BlacKim fights with Johnny Five, who is all up in her face. "YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS UV ME." Walid doesn't cooperate, so he gets smacked around. I'm fine with that. Oh, and they're at one of the "provisional facilities." One of those that Karen keeps whining about, smacking us over the head with her objections over and over.

8:41a.m.: Assad tries to get info from the other terrorist, and when he finally gives a dropoff location, Nadia tells Chloe what to do. Chloe says, "You mean like I'm doing already?"

Terrorist gets out of the car and goes to the commercial district. Jack and Rico meet with Assad. Rico faces off with Assad. Assad gives Rico instructions, and Rico's all like, "My men know what they're doing." Assad's all, "Do I know you?" Rico says, "No, but I know you." Rico takes over and informs Jack that Assad is not part of the op to take down the other terrorist. "Thanks for helping us, but we'll be needing your weapon now. I don't trust terrorists. You understand." SarahK understands. The tactical team goes in, and the terrorist is taking a laptop out of a storage unit full of ammunition and weapons. He hears something, spots someone, and starts shooting. They have a shootout, he blows himself and the storage unit up, and they get a very toasty dead terrorist. I always say, the only good terrorist is a dead terrorist. Yeehaw. The laptop is kinda fried, too, so they might not get anywhere with that.

Everyone at CTU is sad. Wayne hears about the op going bad and gives the go-ahead for the prisoner transfer. Sure, why not? If a handful of terrorists have pulled this off, let's let a hundred more loose so they can have more manpower! That makes complete sense! S-L-O-W.

The prisoners start loading the plane, and bin Diesel looks at a big metal case in his Posse Warehouse.

8:53a.m.: Scott's dad drops off his package to "Marcus," and it's a giant box of cash. Marcus says it's not enough, because the component cost too much. He's gonna need another $50 grand. Marcus says that until he brings back the money, there's nothing to talk about. Suburban dad calls home and tells Ockmed, who tells him to get the item no matter what he has to do. So Suburban dad gets the guy to bring out the part (to a nuclear weapon, I assume), then he hits him over the head with a lamp. The guy pulls a gun. Dad knocks the gun out of his hand! Instead of grabbing the gun and stealing the part at gunpoint with a mere, "This guy is going to kill my family if you don't let me take this part. Please wait at least two hours before you call the cops," he smashes the man's skull against the floor until he's dead. Eh, who cares? He was working with terrorists, good riddance. Anyway, he gets the device.

Chloe is able to recover a schematic in Arabic and Russian off the toasted harddrive for GreyJack. Assad tells Jack it's a parts list for a nuclear device, a suitcase nuke. He is able to pronounce this. Jack? Not so much. Nuk-u-lar. Rico goes mad at Assad because he's sure Assad knew this was what bin Diesel was after all along. Yeah! Punch him, Rico Suave, punch him! Nadia Yassir (terrorist name!) says there was a claim that a suitcase nuke was diverted to a nuclear scientist way back when, so yeah, maybe they have one. The scientist's name is something Muslim, and Numir is one of the prisoners being released! Jack is displeased!

They call the president to tell him what a horrible thing he is doing. Because you know, negotiating with terrorists isn't horrible enough. At the airfield, there's a gunshot on one of the buses, and one of the prison guards has shot the other guard on the bus and goes to let Numir out of the bathroom. "Hurry up. Bin Diesel is waiting for you. He missed you. He loves you."

7:19a.m.: Islamic-American Alliance in Washington D.C. (we'll call them.... CAIR). Subplot. Two FBI agents want to look at CAIR's personnel database just to crosscheck it against the federal watchlist. CAIR seems cooperative at first, and the director seems sane (wait, I guess we can't call it CAIR). Then the attorney gets wind of the FBI's visit, and she comes running. She asks for the warrant, there isn't one, and she tells the agents to leave. Then she calls her brother. The president. Oh good grief. Is she going to get chased by cougars? Maybe the IAA will get invaded by Islamofascists who don't like the IAA, and she'll be held hostage at bombpoint, and Jack Bauer will be the absolute only person in the world who could possibly save her, and he'll have to hop a flight to DC to do so. And the president will say please, Jack, trade your life for hers.

Sandra Palmer tells her brother that IAA is being invaded by the evil FBI. Wayne says they need to follow up on every lead they get, and she says ethnic religious profiling blah blah, and she thinks Bisquick is behind it. And David didn't like Bisquick! That hurts Wayne, and they hang up, and miss attorney kisses her client the director of the IAA. So she's dating the director of the Muslim organization. She might have a conflict of interest.

Bill notifies the Oval Office that Assad was not in the house and is still alive. They're sure now that Assad will respond to the airstrike with more attacks.

Bin Diesel groups up with his posse at a garage and meets a suicide bomber. He helps the guy zip up his bomb vest, just in case the guy gets the heebie jeebies. "By overcoming your fear, you are proving your worth." Aww, that's sweet when you're not the one doing the overcoming, huh?

Jack, Assad, and their captive find a recently (five minutes ago, they're still moving) vacated house (please visit uhaul.com) and think it will be a fine place for a quickie torture. Jack confirms that Assad wants to ceasefire with the west and propose something or other, but key in the plan is eliminating bin Diesel. Jack takes off his shirt to change into a clean, stolen one, and Assad is stunned into silence by Jack's disfigured back. It goes well with his Dumbledoresque right hand. Jack says, "I'll be right back." Oh no! You never say that! He's going to be murdered by the serial killer when he walks outside!

Sorry. Shouldn't finish these past midnight, and it's almost 2 a.m.

Chloe sees the satellite footage of Jack getting Assad out of the house before the airstrike. She shows Bill, and they determine that Jack only did this so he could find bin Diesel and save America and that they should not tell anyone about this just yet but they should also look for bin Diesel.

Jack tells Assad they should involve CTU to find bin Diesel. "See, they tried to kill me ten minutes ago, so they're not on my top eight myspace friends right now, ok? And they'll lock me in a room and question me for days. I'll find bin Diesel on my terms." Jack says, but they have resources! Jack questions the mole and sticks a pencil into the guy's shrapnel wound to get info on bin Diesel's location. He tells Jack nothing, cries, and begs Jack to stop. Jack softens and stops. Assad is surprised and asks why. Jack says the guy wasn't going to tell them anything. Well maybe not filthy infidel pigdogs!

Assad sticks a knife in the captive's knee, and the guy sings like Whitney Houston on crack. Seriously, shaky, raspy voice and everything. Assad tells the guy he took the wrong path, sorry about that, and kills him. The people moving out of that house are going to be so surprised when they come back to find a dead guy next to the American flag curtain. "Did we forget to take our dead terrorist with us? Whoops. Go get the Uhaul again."

Jack is quiet, and Assad is ready to go. "I don't know how to do this anymore." Assad tells him, "You'll remember. Once you buy a new JackAttackSack and get a fancy new scope and an semiautomatic pistol that will make a cocking sound at unrealistic moments, you will remember."

7:41a.m.: Good grief, does anyone start work at or after 8 a.m.? Even the FBI shows up before 8. I understand the Oval Office at work, and CTU, but you're executing warrants at 7:40? And with all this switching between LA and DC, which time zone are they going with, Pacific or Eastern? Is it really 10:40 in Washington? I ask because they show a DC scene while flashing 7:40 on the screen. That confuses me. It must be Pacific time. Jack Bauer Standard. Whatever. Anyway, the FBI is back with an administrative warrant, and Sandra Palmer says that isn't legal, and FBI says that's her opinion. She steps aside, and her boyfriend is cooperative. While FBI is led to the media room, she deletes the personnel files off the server. Paper copies are going to be very inconvenient -- I hope the FBI agents are smart enough to think about paper files. Because no one has only electronic personnel files with no backups. Except maybe some of the non-profits I used to audit, but that's another story.

When the kid accessing the personnel files for the agents can't find the files, Kim-andra says, "That's right, I did it! Whatchou gonna do about it? I'm the president's sister! I deleted the files, and I used the shredder program on the computer, so boo-yah!" The agents press about four keys on the computer and say, "Yep, you're right, the files are gone!" Um yeah. I'm no computer expert, but I have lost a file before, and I do know that you look for longer than four key pushes. But you know. Primetime. The agents arrest Kim-andra and her boyfriend, who doesn't even bother resisting. Ok, the one FBI agent who does all the talking is a total robot. He makes me laugh. "U R UN DUR AR REST. AR REST THE BOY FREN TOO. NO SPESHUL TREET MENT. JOHN NY FIVE IS A LIVE!"

In Suburbia, the nice white kid sees the mean man from down the street approaching nice Ahmed's front door. Inside, Ahmed busts through some drywall to retrieve the package we've all been hearing about. I have to ask: how did he get the package inside the wall of his house without his parents knowing, unless one or both of them was complicit? The mean man comes in and starts throwing Ahmed around as payback for what Ahmed's people have been doing. Ahmed deserves it, so I'm happy, but on the other hand, the man doesn't know that Ahmed deserves it. He should know that he's just supposed to profile heavily and keep a hair trigger trained on Ahmed's center mass until Ahmed is proven innocent. He shouldn't just start beating the kid up for his dad's supposed crimes. On the other hand, Ahmed is evil and deserves everything he gets. Ahmed pulls out a gun and kills the guy with two shots (cocking on the second shot, of course). The guy deserved a good punching for beating the kid without proof of terrorism, but he didn't deserve death. Anyway, Ahmed got a nice big coffee table glass shard in the leg, and since teenagers are stupid, he pulled that sucker right out of his big artery. Shouldn't do that. You leave it in until it is surgically removed because it could be stopping you from bleeding to death.

Again in the teenagers-are-stupid category, the kid from across the street rushes right in after hearing two gunshots. "Ahmed? What's up? Wanna play some UnoDubya-2?" Dimwit wants to call an ambulance or 911, and Ahmed says no and cocks the gun again -- he is a safety kid, loves to decock that gun in the heat of this moment. Ahmed gets all touchy about the pronunciation of his name. It's a hard "h" after all. "It's Ock-med, and you're not my friend, because I never corrected you when you pronounced it wrong!" So Ocky says Dimwit will do what he says or else. What a nice way to start your school day, huh, Dimwit?

7:50 a.m.: Assad and Jack arrive at the location given by the mole. At an intersection, Assad sees two men crossing the street in suits, and he says one is wearing an explosive vest. He's sure these are bin Diesel's men. Jack and Jill follow the terrorists into the subway. I recognize that wide shot from ALIAS. Assad will follow the handler, who won't get on the train, and Jack is going after the bomber.

After the bomber is on the train, Jack steps on. When the ticketing agent asks for Jack's ticket, Jack identifies himself as federal agent Jack Bauer (he loves throwing that title around when he doesn't own it, and they never prosecute him for it, and they'd better not!) and tells the ticketing agent to leave him alone so as not to arouse suspicion. He fails to say to the agent, "And don't turn around every three seconds to stare at the terrorist, because that's conspicuous, too."

Meanwhile, Assad is following the handler, who is on his way to Union Station (LA), which is supposed to blow up. When he sees that Union Station is blown up, he will call to notify bin Diesel.

Jack positions himself right in front of the bomber, who is sitting only a couple feet from the back door of the train. The bomber notices the ticketing agent acting wildly, crazily anxious and quickly flips open his detonator. Jack snaps into action. Can he do it without his JackAttackSack? He grapples with the bomber, and eventually, the bomber kicks Jack to the floor. He shouts the normalcies and pushes his detonator, but Jack has ahold of some grips and drop-kicks the guy out the back of the train, just as he explodes. Since he failed at his mission, he will only receive 72 virgin daquiris. Jack stops the train. Bauer power!

Four blocks east, the handler (also bald) makes a phone call to bin Diesel to say that something went wrong and Union Station did not explode, and he sees smoke west of there. Bin Diesel is happy anyway about the Baltimore and Chicago attacks that were pulled off simultaneously. CTU gets word that Jack was on the train. Chloe gets a recording of the handler's phone call to bin Diesel, confirming that they went after the wrong terrorist. Bisquick tries to make Palmer feel better, and Palmer says yeah, it's only going to get much worse.

And we have our first "Copy that" from Jack of the season! Yay! He tells Assad to keep following the handler, because that guy is our only lead to bin Diesel.

At the end of the episode is a dedication to the memory of the aircrew of Gunshot 66: Major Gerald "Beav" Bloomfield, Captain Michael "Martini" Martino, whose Marine Corps helicopter was shot down over western Iraq November 2, 2005.

Tomorrow night, more demands from terrorists (this is what happens when you negotiate with terrorists), and a crazy stunning ending that will change everything. And so far this season, no Aaron Pierce, 1 copy that, no Tony Almeida, no JackAttackSack, and Chloe hasn't killed anyone. And there are only 22 hours left! I don't want to jinx anything, but no Audrey and no Kim, either! Though we do have a Kim clone with that dumb presidential sister subplot. Maybe she'll get eaten by cougars early. We can only hope.

Ooh! I have my name for Jack. I can't do Jackula, because someone else already did. GreyJack isn't taken, though. (Only Harry Potter readers will get it, and only those who have read OTP and HBP at that.) GreyJack works on multiple levels anyway. Doesn't he look old this season? It's a good makeup job, they really aged him well from last season. He looks like he endured a couple of years of torture.

Oh! Does anyone think that once bin Diesel is eliminated, Assad will be less than cooperative with the US government? Maybe he's doing what bin Diesel was trying to do, using the US government to eliminate his enemy's organization.

6:07a.m.: Rico Suave (Curtis) and Bill (he needs a name) meet Jack when he gets off the plane. That angry evil Chinese man is there too. Jack looks so unhappy. You know why? Because he's been all these many months without his JackAttackSack! Which would surely contain a razor. Please, get him a JackAttackSack! Jack says to the evil Chinese man, "I will kill you." HE SAYS IT WITH HIS EYES. Chinese man tells Bill that Jack never broke in the nearly two years he's been in custody. Finally a timeline.

Bill busts right in talking about President Palmer, and Jack blinks all funny. Oh yeah, the brother. Bill explains the deal. Assad has been attacking America for eleven weeks, and the guy who knows where Assad is has a vendetta against Jack. "We offered him everything. $25 million, every other alternative, anything he wanted." You see what happens? You start electing Democrats, and we start negotiating with terrorists. Great job, guys! He wants Jack dead, so Wayne Palmer's like, "Ok, sure." For all that Jack has done to save America from terrorists (Muslim and otherwise), and for the number of times that Jack has saved the lives of David and Wayne Palmer, they sure do hand him over to be killed a lot. And of course, Jack says, "Ok, sure. Just don't tell Audrey or Kim I'm back." And SarahK says, "In fact, don't even show them on the show not being told. Please!" You know, one of these times, Jack is going to say, "You know what? Not this time. No. I'd like a house in the mountains and a lifetime supply of leave me alone instead, please. Thanks." Jack asks if he can clean up before he gets offed. Measures have been provided to make your execution more likeable, of course, Jack!

6:19a.m. Bill tells Karen Jack is much worse than expected. Karen checks out her wedding ring, says she misses Bill, and he says you're where you should be. Aww, it's so sweet when married couples don't want to be together. *sniff*

Chloe starts badgering Nadia for info on Jack. She won't give up the 411, and Chloe says, "But he means more than my laptop to me!" and finally blackmails her with an old mistake Nadia made that she would have been fired over if Chloe hadn't saved her. Good old Chloe. Nadia tells Chloe what's going on, and when Chloe wants to call Karen to free Jack, Nadia breaks the bad news -- Wayne Palmer sold out Jack just like David did, and Mr. F knows. Chloe does a total mopey walk (cue Charlie Brown music) back to her desk and goes a little catatonic until Morris comes to talk to her. Ooh, that could mean she'll bust a cap in someone in the next four hours. It just feels like a good setup.

Wayne calls to talk to Jack and tells him his sacrifice will not be in vain. Jack says thanks and goodbye.

Wayne wonders if he's the right man to lead this country. No, you're negotiating with terrorists. Keep paying terrorists, they keep asking for money. Professor Biscuit says it's an irrelevant question, because you are the leader, so you have to lead. Oh, and Bauer has to be sacrificed so the country can survive. OR we could NOT negotiate with terrorists.

Karen corners Prof. Bisquick and accuses him of going against the president's orders by setting up camps in sports arenas in three cities. But since he hasn't done it yet, he's only setting up, he says he hasn't done anything wrong. He says that people have to sacrifice personal freedoms for security. Bisquick is a strange character. He's for negotiating with terrorists. That's a more liberal viewpoint, right? Yet he's for internment camps, which is right right right wing. And they're both national security-related. Usually if you're liberal one way and conservative on something else, they're two different issues, but these are kind of the same issue. But Bisquick is at opposite ends of the spectrum on the same issue. You can be at different ends of a range, but so variegated? He's weird. That's my point. He's weird.

Poignant scene: Bill, Jack, and Rico Suave get to their meeting place with Fayed, the guy who wants Jack dead. Fayed is a coward terrorist, so naturally he's watching from afar through binoculars. He calls Bill and says to handcuff Jack to a grate. Bill calls him an ugly name, Jack says do it. Jack says he stayed alive in China because he refused to die for nothing. Today he gets to die for something. Yes, it would be so very poignant and tear-worthy if I weren't expecting Jack to live for twenty-three and a half more episodes.

Sorry, I drank my cynic-snark juice. It's because we're negotiating with terrorists, and that always puts me in a mood.

6:36a.m.: Fire at a mosque, retaliatory. Family in suburbia whose son is friends with a Muslim kid whose father has been arrested. Of course, the non-Muslim-Americans down the street are all bigoted hicks who want to beat up the teenage son while dad is away, and the good neighbor across the street comes to help. My early prediction: The white, supposedly non-Muslim family is a terrorist cell (or at least parts of it are) and are working with the dad that was arrested or are framing him. Y'all can thank me in a couple of weeks when you sound like geniuses around the watercooler.

Morris tells Chloe that he did some on-the-side illegal work for an oil company or something, and he might be able to retask a satellite to look at the spot where they ditched Jack. Chloe is unsure, but Morris is like, "Hey, women trusted me with their feet, you can trust me with your national security!" They retask the bird. Fayed picks up Jack and says he's really missed Jack and couldn't wait to see him again. They throw Jack in a van in a tunnel, and Chloe and Morris watch for them to come out.

Fayed's sig-ops guy tells him that a government location is looking at their ditch with a private bird, and Fayed calls CTU. Nadia says it's not us, Fayed says yes it is, and Milo figures out that it's Chloe across the room. This is what you get for leaving Chloe out of the loop when you have a big conference call meeting with terrorists. Bill is listening to the call on his way in, and Nadia gets Chloe to reroute the satellite, but they've done some major damage. The terrorist (have I mentioned you don't negotiate with these people?) says that Jack's gonna die either way, and now he'll just consider giving them Assad. Fools. Not Chloe so much. CTU and Palmer.

Chloe tells Bill to fire her (yeah, so she can go rogue!), and Bill says he can't afford to fire either of them because he needs the manpower, but she'd better hope this all works out! Or... or... or... he'll fire her, and she'll have to negotiate her way to better pay and longer vacations!

6:52a.m. Bill tells Karen what happened, and Karen yells at Bill. Yep, they're married. Karen says that if we intern the Muslims, the country will never recover. Just like we never recovered from when we interned the Japanese-Americans during WWII. We never did start an upswing after that, did we?

Fayed starts torturing Jack with a knife and some alcohol. Jack reminds Fayed that he hasn't given CTU Assad's location. Fayed drops a little bomb on Jack. "Assad came to stop the attacks. He came to stop me. I'm behind them. You will die for nothing." Ouch. And he stabs Jack with some long horrific device somewhere in the back of Jack. Jack goes limp.

Who was right about not negotiating with terrorists? Was it me? Fayed calls CTU and gives them Assad. Then he hangs up and starts to cut off Jack's finger but is interrupted by a call. It's the son of the arrested suburbia Muslim, who has been working with Fayed. Oh, so the arrested dad is going to be framed, but not by the white neighbor but accidentally by his son. So... we learned in the first hour that profiling and bigotry against Muslims saves lives. Hatemongering is good!

While Fayed is out of the room talking to his BFF about their ruse and his henchman turns his back, Jack takes off his heart monitor so the monitor makes the dead sound. When the henchman comes back to check, Jack bites his neck, and I mean feasts upon it for a good ten seconds, like he was giving the guy a hickey but forgot how to do it and that it's supposed to be done on the opposite sex. THE CHINESE TURNED JACK INTO A VAMPIRE! I hope he can avoid daylight for the next twelve hours. Eh, he owns a broad collection of hoodies and sunglasses, he'll be fine. He gets the handcuff keys from his banquet and escapes behind a door or something where it would be really easy to find him, but when Fayed comes back, he only checks one escape route instead of both. Fayed is sooo ticked off.

5:00 a.m. to 6:00 a.m.

Bierko and his goons check to make sure everyone's dead, then check the air to make sure it's safe to take off their gas masks. Bierko commands his men to remove their masks, and if it were me, I wouldn't trust him. I'd wait to see his was off before I blindly followed. Bierko says they're close to finishing and notes that they've picked 12 high-value targets to teach the Americans a lesson with. Bad Americans, making treaties with Russia.

Audrey, who still *isn't* dead while Edgar, Palmer, Michelle and Tony (yeah, I give up, he's dead) *are*, gets on the video phone with Admiral Kirkland at the navy and tells him about the teeny issue with the submarine. She asks how fast he can scramble fighter jets to take out the sub before the missiles are launched. She stresses the 12 multiple-warhead missiles. He says they can be there in 22-25 minutes. She tells him that's too long, because Bierko is launching in less than 20, and he says, "well I'll scramble them right this second. They'll still get there too late, but I'ma do it anyway. But it's up to your team on the ground, Whiney."

Jack and Robocop are at the sub and counting the guards. Mr. F tells Jack they've got less than 20 minutes. Bill gives even worse news that it's going to be up to Jack and that guy he doesn't trust to get control of the sub and the warheads.

So Robocop tells Jack he's gonna need a weapon.

JACK: I'll cover you.
ROBO: I don't go in unprotected against hostiles!
JACK: YOU'RE hostile!
ROBO: I know you are, but what am I?
JACK: You're an idiot!
ROBO: Yeah, you got me there, Jack, I am an idiot. But still, I'm gonna need a weapon. So give me that extra .45 you have there in your purse.
JACK: It's not a purse, it's a JackAttackSack. Eddie Bauer, $69.95.
ROBO: Whatever you wanna call it, Jack. Anyway, gimme that .45.
JACK: Fine, here, but don't check the chamber or the magazine.
ROBO: Why would I do that?

They spot a signal tube that has been launched from the submarine, which could mean a friendly is on board. Chloe scans the emergency radio frequencies and finds the distressed friendly. She patches Jack through to Tim Rooney so Jack can give Tim instructions on how to be a red-shirt. Jack asks him where he is, and Rooney explains that he's in a sealed engineering compartment that he shut down when the atmospheric gages went cuckoo. Chloe finds the easiest entrance to the sub for Jack, and Rooney says there's a guard at the entrance. Jack says, "Yeah, about that, you're gonna have to kill him."

Robocop tells Jack that he's not going in without a gun. Jack gives him the .45 from his purse.

ROBO: Jack, just so we're clear. I help you stop the attack, and you help me and my wife disappear.
JACK: You mean your wife that I shot in the leg? Heh. That was funny. You totally never saw that coming. You thought I was gonna shoot you, and then I totally turned it around. BUUUUURRRRRRRRNN!!
ROBO: Jack, you promise?
JACK: Yeah, no problem. I'll disappear you.

Mike Novick tells President Estrogen that Bierko's taken over the sub's missiles. Marty is waiting outside looking anxious. She calls Aaron to tell him that she can't get Mike's attention. Aaron says he should leave camp alone, and Marty says, "No, you'll be seen, and we'll never be able to make our love babies."

Back at the submarine, Jack asks Rooney if he has a gun. Poor Rooney, the armory is on the other side of the ship. When Jack asks if Rooney has anything, he says, "I have a utility tool that has a knife on it," which can be translated, "I have a Leatherman, but I'm not allowed to say so because they didn't pay for advertising." Jack tells Leatherman he's gonna have to slit the throat of the terrorist who is guarding the door. "But I'm an engineer, I'm not trained for that." So Jack gives him a play-by-play on just how to slit a guy's throat. Except he tells him that he has to pull the head back real far in order to be successful. I thought I read somewhere that if you pull the head back, it protects the carotid and that in order to be successful, you have to push the head forward in order to expose the carotid. OH! I saw it on CSI. So I don't know which one is true. One is TV, and the other is TV.

Jack shoots the outside guard and runs to the sub to await word from Leatherman that the terrorist guarding the inside of the hatch is dead. Leatherman panics when the terrorist struggles, so he just stabs the guy over and over in the neck until he dies. Whatever works.

Jack and Robocop come in, and Jack tells the untrained Leatherman to go create a diversion on the other side of the compartment to attract attention. "Oh, then just hide and hope they don't see you. Because if they see you, you're dead."

Leatherman creates a distraction, and Bierko runs to check it out. They kill the other guy in the control room, and Robocop starts working on disarming the missiles, while Jack starts hunting Bierko.

Chloe's on the line telling Jack to hurry, because they only have a minute before the missiles launch. Jack fights with Bierko and Bierko's redshirt. He loses his gun but uses the redshirt's gun to shoot Bierko. He gets steam to shoot out of a pipe on the wall and pushes redshirt's face into the steam so he can be free to fight Bierko. Jack jumps up and hangs from a pipe on the ceiling. He gets Bierko's head between his knees, swings there for a while, and then snaps Bierko's neck with his knees.

Robocop disarms the missiles just in time, and Mr. F tells Chloe to call off the fighter planes that wouldn't have gotten there on time anyway.

When Jack gets back to the control room, Robocop is shockingly not there. What? I know, crazy. Jack tells Chloe to take him off comms because he's getting feedback and wants to do some off-the-record stuff. He gets to the outside deck, and Robocop comes up behind him and tells him to drop his gun. Robocop says he knows Jack wasn't going to let him go, and Jack brings up the fact that Robocop killed David Palmer. Robocop pulls the trigger of the gun from Jack's purse, and it is remarkably empty. Robocop says, "Funny, I checked the chamber earlier on my gun, but I got one from the JackAttackSack and just trusted it. That's not stupid at all." Robocop checks the magazine, finally, and sees that there are in fact no bullets in that pistol. Snap! Jack says, "You killed Palmer, Tony, and Michelle, and we can't find Wayne Palmer! You're a bad man!" Jack kills Robocop, and Leatherman comes out and sees Jack and looks very frightened.

Navy people show up, and Jack says thanks for the car. He tells Bill and Mr. F that he's coming back to CTU and asks for Chloe. Jack tells Chloe that he's going to get President Estro himself. Chloe grimaces but then says, ok, fine, anything for you, my love.

Back at the Estrogen Ranch, Estro is happy to learn that the crisis is over. He gets all creepy and thanks Mike. "For everything." This super-creepy moment lasts an eternity, and I'm very uncomfortable. So is Mike. Estro says he wants to be at the airport when David's body is shipped back to Washington so he can make a speech that's all about him. Mike leaves.

Marty finds Mike and tells him she knows he's suspicious about the day's goings-on. She begs him to come somewhere secret with her, and he asks, "Martha, are you...." and she says she's actually sober and sane.

Estro gets on the phone with Halliburton and tells them that Robocop is dead and that Jack Bauer will be taken care of.

At the stables, Marty and Aaron tell Mike about Estro's role in the terrorist activities. Mike has a hard time believing it but automatically assumes that Estro suicided Walt Cummings. Aaron tells Mike that Jack had a recording that implicated the president, and that's why Estro was so insistent on shooting down the diplomatic plane before Mike talked him out of it. Mike wants to kick things when he learns that the recording was destroyed. He says he'll drive Aaron out through the west gate, because "I know a guy", and Aaron and Marty have a tearful goodbye during which Aaron says they shouldn't have contact to keep themselves safe(r).

After the break, Mike and Aaron dump the body of the secret service agent in tall grass, and Jack calls Mike because he can't get ahold of Aaron. They talk on speaker phone, and Jack says he's gonna get a confession from Estro himself. Whee! This should be fun! I hope there are beatings involved! Jack will be at the Estrogen Ranch in 20 minutes, and Aaron and Mike have to stall Estro, who's just about to leave for the airport.

At CTU, Mr. F gets off the phone and tells Bill she's being transferred to Washington immediately. Bill says they'll be scape goats, and he imagines he's next. Mr. F says not if she can help it. Chloe busts in and asks Bill and Mr. F to sign some paperwork and give this guy Morris who used to work there high-level clearance. Bill says, "Morris???" and Chloe says she needs him to try to salvage the recording. Bill asks if he's even on the government payroll anymore. "No, he's selling women's shoes in Beverly Hills." Bill is pleased and signs off. After Chloe leaves, Bill says that Morris is Chloe's ex-husband. ??? Chloe put up with a man long enough to marry him?

When Chloe gets downstairs, her ex is flirting with another girl, and he immediately starts charming Chloe. And he is charming, because he has a British accent, and that's pretty much all it takes. Chloe tasks Morris to work on digital audio transfer, and she needs him to get the transfer rate higher than she can get it.

Back at the ranch, Mike tells Marty that Aaron is safe and that Jack is going to get a confession from Estro. He tells her that she needs to delay Estro. Ew. They're gonna DO IT.

Jack meets up with Aaron, who tells him that Estro is taking a navy chopper to the airport. Jack wants to ride on the chopper with Estro. Suh-weet!

Marty comes to detain Estro. Ew. She does everything she can to delay him, including apologize for saying he's a treasonous fartface. She says she loves him and the airport can wait. He says I can't, she says you're the president, and he calls to tell people he'll be delayed 30 seconds or so. She starts to undress him. SarahK starts to barf.

Elsewhere in the compound, Jack and Aaron sneak into the secret service outhouse. They hear that the president is being delayed, and Jack tells Aaron he'll go as far as he has to for Logan's confession. Dun-dun-dunnnnnn.

6:00 a.m. to 7:00 a.m.

The IT that Marty and Estro DID lasted all of two minutes. Wow, that is impressive in a very bad way. Poor Marty. First she had to DO IT with Estro, and then it didn't even last long enough for her coffee to brew.

In the secret service building, Jack puts on a helicoptering outfit, and Chloe tells him she and Mike have found a way to get the co-pilot off the chopper. Outside, a secret service agent tells the co-pilot there's a problem with his paperwork. Mike gets Jack the proper paperwork. When the co-pilot comes back in, Aaron distracts him while Jack suffocates him unconscious.

Jack goes out and shows his credentials to the pilot. He jumps onto the chopper. Estro's limo pulls up, and Mike quickly tells Marty she doesn't want to be on the chopper and should make an excuse to stay behind. Marty tells Estro that he should have a presidential moment of getting off the chopper alone and waving at the crowd. Estro loves the idea of looking anything other than gay, so he agrees with Marty.

After the helicopter takes off, Jack points a gun at the pilot and then tasers the two guys sitting in the back next to Estro. The look on Estro's face when Jack takes off his helmet and shows his face is priceless. A combo of "I'm gonna die" and "Jack's gonna torture me first". Jack handcuffs Estro. Eeeee!

Chloe finds a place for Jack to land the chopper where he can interrogate Estrogen. Estro asks Jack what he wants, and Jack scares the pee out of Estro by just staring at him silently. Ooooooooh. I would NOT want the silent Bauer Glower.

Chloe calls the charming Morris and makes sure he knows to give Jack the goods when he arrives at the place where Jack is landing the chopper. When the chopper lands, Jack tasers the pilot so he can have some alone time with Estro.

Jack takes Estro into a warehouse, and Estro tries to bribe him. Jack cuffs Estro to a pole and takes each item out of Estro's pockets, which Frank says is important. Morris comes in and hands some stuff to Jack and says he should have known that's who he was helping. He carries the one for no one, "Jack, that's the president!" Jack tells him to go away, doesn't even thank him. Bad manners, Jack.

Chloe beeps in and tells Jack that he has less than ten minutes until the president's people start looking for him, even though no one actually cares about Estro. Chloe reminds him that if he doesn't get his confession, they'll all be arrested for treason. "I know, Chloe, why you always frontin' me?"

Jack sets up a camera phone and tells Estro that Estro's going to confess. Estro says no I'm not. Jack starts interrogating Estro. Unfortunately, he doesn't beat the crap out of him. Chloe watches over the video feed as Jack asks Estro about Palmer's death and giving Sentox gas to the terrorists. Estro acts all innocent, and Jack tells him he's gonna put a cap in him if he doesn't confess. Jack also tells Estro that David Palmer had told Jack that Estro was having him killed, and that was the reason Jack had to fake his death. He's really ticked off because his braindead daughter will never forgive him. He says he'll shoot Estro. "Right here, right now, you're gonna face justice!" Owned!

Estro tells Jack that if he kills him, Estro will just be a martyr. Jack can't kill Estro, and Estro tells Jack that it's ok. "It's ok that you can't kill me, Jack. It's good. It means you're human." SarahK is screaming at the TV. "Kill 'im, Jack! Claw his eyes out! Fight him TO THE PAIN!"

Estro's rescue team comes in and arrests Jack. Estro puts everything back in his pockets. Estro tells the secret service that Jack is delusional and he feels sorry for him. Grr.

At the airport, Mike and Marty watch Estro's chopper land. Mike tells Marty that Jack couldn't get the confession and is now in custody. Marty isn't happy. Estro gets off the chopper and looks as presidential as a gay prostitute can look.

David Palmer's casket is removed from the hearse, and Marty throws a lunatic fit. She starts yelling about Estro being a murderer and that he killed all those people and isn't fit to be president. Everyone's like, "That loony first lady, she's such a gas." She runs off into a hangar. Estro says he wants to check on her and asks everyone to leave him alone with her.

When Estro gets inside the hangar, he slaps her and checks her for wires. He says, "I can't believe I believed you were really back on my side. The IT that we DID? You didn't mean it!" Marty says, "I would have meant it, but I didn't have time!" Marty starts going on about all the people that he killed today, and he keeps saying he did it for the good of the country. She names all the bad things he did, and he admits it and says it's all for the country. He tells Marty that if she steps out of line one more time, he'll fill her with drugs and ship her off to an asylum for the rest of her life.

They walk outside and go to the podium together so Estro can make a self-congratulatory speech. "I'm so great! No one loved David or was a better friend to David more than me! And I'm so awesome and did awesome stuff today! Woo me!"

Meanwhile, at CTU, Chloe is getting the Attorney General on the line. Mr. F and Bill are like, "What? We totally didn't know about this! We're sorry she called you!" and Chloe tells them that she had to leave them out of it so they wouldn't be arrested for treason if it all went wrong. She tells everyone that Jack put a bug on the president, and the Attorney General starts whining about civil liberties and violation of privacy. Chloe plays the conversation between Estro and Marty, and everyone changes their mind and decides it's good that they violated privacy and all that.

While Estrogen is still on the podium loving himself, the AG calls a Federal Marshall standing by at the ceremony. The only official who can arrest a President. The Marshall's like, "Are you sure?" but then follows orders. Several agents accompany the Marshall to the podium. Marshall whispers sweet nothings in Estro's ear, and Estro looks shocked. The Marshall shows Estro the microtransmitter that Jack had placed on the end of Estro's presidential pen. Marty and Mike stand there looking smug and happy. Marty's just happy she never has to endure that 30 seconds of IT with him again. Estro is escorted to a limo (what a nice car to be arrested in) during David Palmer's 21-gun salute.

At the warehouse, Jack is hangin' out with security peeps when Audrey shows up. SarahK gags ferociously. They kiss for at least as long as Estro lasted in the presidential sack. An agent tells Jack that Kim's on the phone inside the warehouse. Um, Jack, don't go in there! Why wouldn't Chloe have patched Kim through to a cell phone, yours or Audrey's? Oh no. Jack tells Audrey, "I'll be right back." He doesn't just say it once, he says it twice for extra bad measure. "Jack, don't go in there! The Chinese are in there!"

Jack picks up the phone inside the building, and there's no one there. Nah, really? Jack is attacked from behind and knocked out. And he doesn't have his JackAttackSack, so I don't know how he'll get through next season.

Back at CTU, Mr. F tells Bill she thinks Estro will resign and cut a clemency deal so he isn't Big Bubba's cell mate in prison. Mr. F tells Bill that she'll make sure the Veep doesn't fire Bill when he's sworn in as new president. They have a moment. She apologizes for being a big doody head earlier on, and he asks her to breakfast. She disses him with a lame excuse about having to go to division for debriefing. But she does ask for a rain check. Since it's not actually raining, I think she's just saying that to get out of the moment.

Bill tells Chloe she did good and hands her something found in Edgar's possessions. It's a picture of the two of them together. Chloe starts to cry, and Morris walks up to console her. He asks if she wants to talk about it, and they walk off together. I hope he's a new character next season.

Audrey goes looking for Jack in the warehouse. When she sees the phone is off the hook, she freaks out and runs outside screaming. "Jack said he'd be right back! He's gone! He's so stupid to say he'd be right back! What a moron! Didn't he see Scream?"

Jack is beaten and bloody when the Chinese guys throw Jack into a dark room. Cheng, the guy that wanted Jack's head on a platter last season, tells Jack that China has a long memory. Jack asks if he can make one phone call and then asks the Chinese guys to kill him. Cheng says he's too valuable to kill.

Turns out, Jack is on a Chinese freighter already, 12 minutes after being kidnapped in the warehouse. Good thing there was martial law to give them great traffic on their way to the ocean. The freighter says Shanghai. Beep-boop, all that. I guess we're going to Shanghai. Maybe.

It's been fun, let's do it again in January.

Ok, in Birmingham, the O'Donahue twins are overseeing festivities. In Hollywood, Tamyra Gray, writer of that hideous "Inside Your Heaven" song, is overseeing the McPhans.

To start off the singing, Paris Bennett is singing "We're In This Love Together" with Al Jerome [UPDATE: excuse me, Jerreau], and they're scatting, and scatting well. She looks good, she's wearing a good outfit and her hair isn't retarded.

Chris Daughtry is living his dream. He's singing "Mystery" with Live. He will have a great rock career ahead of him. Oh, the lead singer of Live is bald too. It's 2 cue-balls dancing around onstage. Two not-ugly cue-balls. The Live guy has a nice falsetto, I may have to listen to them.

Kellie Pickler is getting a food lesson from Wolfgang Puck. Ryan can't pronounce Albemarle. Oh, I hate to admit it, this is actually very cute and funny. Escargot? Not a fan. Oh, I can't believe I'm saying it, she was really adorable there. LOL, they're not having her sing, I think they know it's just a bad idea. But anyway, she'll be an adorable model.

Katharine is going to sing with Meatloaf. A wonderful Celine Dion song, "It's All Coming Back to Me Now". The arrangement is absolutely a crime, what an amazing butchering. Not their singing, because that was good, but the harmony was horrible, and Katharine way overpowered Meatloaf, and she was the harmony. Not acceptable. But I really blame the sadistic arrangement. Awful. [UPDATE: A lovely chipper reader pointed out that it was Meatloaf's song before Celine's. I've never been a Meatloaf fan and never heard his version. If this version from last night was the original... it SUCKS, and Celine only improved on it. And none of that changes the fact that when the duet was going on last night, it sounded like they just shook up the Boggle cube and said, "Hey, let's sing that."]

AI has decided that since they never win Emmys, they're gonna make their own awards. Mmmmm. K.

"Outstanding Female Vocal". !!!!! I WANNA HEAR ABOUT YOUR SUNTAN!!!! I can't believe it, that was my catchphrase, and I forgot it halfway through the season. Bad SarahK. Anyway, female vocalist awards are going to the absolute worst of the year. LOL, during suntan girl, Rowdi grunted really loud.

"Outstanding Male Vocal". Dave Hoover, the overspastic jumper. LOL, he even showed up.

More Puck 'n Pickler. Kellie is afraid of the live lobsters, and I can't blame her, they are scary. And Puck is taunting her. Poor Kellie. :-D

The top 6 guys are singing "Taking Care of Business". You know, I kinda missed Bucky. He really grew on me as the competition went on. Oh yay, Elliott! Taylor on harmonica! Ok, y'all thought Scrappy Doo was white. I think he's transparent after seeing that dance, and wow, did a bass note just come out of that scrawny body? Now it's "Don't Stop". Elliott again! Man, I wish he was in the final. I love his voice so much.

Darnit, I'm out of sushi.

That new show Standoff is gonna have Gina Torres. I'm in, Zoe.

Cheesy Ford commercial is a montage of the previous ones to the tune of "Don't Stop". And wow, Katharine and Taylor both get Ford Mustang convertibles.

"Proudest Family Moment". It's a tossup between Elliott's mum and Chris's wife. Because I mean, we get to see McPops cry all the time. And Elliott's mum wins, and I just love her. And now Elliott is singing "One Love" with Mary J. Blige. Wow, she looks fantastic. Oh, the singing is great too. It'll be hard to beat this tonight, she's off the charts, and Elliott's Elliott. I'm so farklempt, y'all.

Uhhhh. At 9:00, we got the west coast feed. On the east coast. Fire that guy, if I'm missing Taylor or Mandisa song. I shall be very put out. WHAT IS GOING ON??? WE JUST GOT THE OPENING CREDITS AGAIN (at 9:00 on the Tivo).

Ok, it just switched back to the east coast feed, partway into Taylor's "In the Ghetto" duet with Toni Braxton. It's good she's on the show and I can see her definitely female legs, because I've always wondered if she was really a man. Question answered.

So what did we miss, between Elliott singing and Taylor singing?

The girls are singing "Man, I Feel Like A Woman", which is just wrong, because that's the song Mandisa was eliminated for. [UPDATE: I think I have to correct myself here, because I think Mandisa was eliminated the night she sang "Any Man of Mine". Well, anyway, boring Shania song.] And Kat sang it, Mandisa was just dancing in the background. Now they're singing "Trouble", which Elliott sang so well. Mandisa finally sings a little on "I'm a Woman". Now Kat is singing "Natural Woman". Lisa Tucker. Paris sounds like her voice is worn out. Now "I'm Every Woman", and Mandisa finally takes center stage. This is her track on the AI:5 CD, which Frank ordered, and which arrived for me in the mail today. Good grief, how is Mandisa not in the final. Shame.

BTW, after I've heard the whole CD, I'll review it for you.

"Best Impersonation" is next. That Cher guy should win. Oh dear. I'd forgotten about the Clay impersonator. Nevermind, he should win for the pee thing. And Michael Sandecki is actually there. And oh no, he's singing. "Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me".

FRANK: What ever happened to Ruben?
SARAHK: Who cares?

Oh the monkeys of Fox love me!!!! CLAY!!!! I LOVE THAT VOICE SOOOO MUCH!!! AND HE LOOKS SO GOOD!!! The Davey Jones hair, dark brown, is perfect for Clay. And once that impersonator kid shuts up, wow. What a voice. That's how it's done, wannabes. Have a voice like that. He's amazing. Lemme tell y'all, when I bought the "Bridge Over Troubled Water" single (the day it came out, I was at Target at 7 a.m.), I played it over and over and over until Scott came into the kitchen (I was living with Scott & Candace at the time) and said, "Ok. I like it, too, but that's enough." *sigh* I adore Clay. Y'all shoulda heard me swooning, it was a little embarrassing.

Burt Bacharach is back (say that 3 times fast) for the finalists. "What the World Needs Now." Wow, Katharine looks fantastic in that red dress. LOL, when Ace sang the first notes, "The look....", I thought he was going to sing, "The look, the feel of cotton, the fabric of our lives..." Melissa looks and sounds great. This is Ace and Melissa on some song I find unfamiliar. Kellie is singing, and my ears hurt. "I'll Never Fall in Love Again" or something. Should they really give her a song with more than 2 notes? Bucky is singing "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head". Is there any possible connection between all these songs [UPDATE: Other than the obvious Bacharach common thread]? I'm not catching a flow here. Aw, Bucky. I like him. Mandisa is singing "I Say A Little Prayer For You". Man, she just eclipses Katharine and Kellie. Lisa: some song I don't know. Something about believers and believing. ELLIOTT!! is singing "A House is Not a Home". Didn't he sing this earlier this year? I know it's been sung on AI. Wow, how didn't he make it to the final? Scrappy Doo: This is a disaster. I don't know whether to laugh or cover my eyes. He's singing "Pussycat, pussycat, I love you..." and, um... waving his hand in front of his private area. I'm not kidding. Chris, Ace, Scrappy singing "Moon and New York City". I love that song. Paris is singing that song about birds suddenly appearing, etc. and introduces Dionne Warwick. Wow, she looks great for 175. Seriously. Fantastic.

Dionne is singing. All the girls are wearing red dresses. They look purty. Yay, song change to "That's What Friends Are For". And everyone joins her.

"Best Male Bonding". LOL. Chris/Ace. Ryan/Taylor. The Brokenote Cowboys. They should win, hands down. That whole bonding thing made me cry real tears, the kind with saline and everything. LOL, the Brokenote Cowboys are singing "Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Cowboys". You know, they really don't sound bad. Of course, the other two besides Garet have really good voices, but they stuck with the Crying Cowboy, and it was so adorable. Garet sounds pretty good, too. Ok, that was great fun.

I really liked the awards show format.

Prince is there. I've gotta give him props, there were many radio days in the 90s made better by him. You know, before he got all "don't say my name" on us. He just combed his hair on stage. F'reals. His dancers are more spastic than Taylor. At first I thought they had someone on stage trying to imitate Taylor. I thought they would next get on their knees to emulate the McSquat.

Right before the results, Katharine and her wedding dress are dueting with Taylor on "I've Had the Time of My Life". Possibly one of the worst Idol moments ever. Taylor missed a cue, Katharine's singing Taylor's parts, and she's prancing around in that dress with a train, and yeck. Katharine should never ever sing harmony. She's too all about herself. When you sing harmony, you don't sing as loud as the melody. Anyway, that was a disaster.

And the winner is... FOREGONE CONCLUSION!!!! I mean, TAYLOR HICKS!!!!! CONGRATULATIONS, TAYLOR!! You were my favorite in the beginning. I kinda wavered on you a lot, but you deserved it. Consistently the best, the fewest bum notes, and you love music. Just like me. And this is all about me.

David Hasselhoff is crying in the audience. I kinda teared up myself. No word on McDaddy. Katharine's dress threatens to cover the stage and become a Kodak Theater Fire Hazard. Taylor is screaming "Soul Patrol!!!", and the DVR cuts off. Did he sing? I'll never know.

So that's it. No more AI blogging until next year. Until then, I wanna hear about your suntan. SUNTAN PATROL!

IDOLS 01/03/05... Um. Does Katharine realize this was one of the weirdest and most lackluster songs she did the whole season, and that doing it again just reminds people why she shouldn't be in the final? At least she wasn't on her knees the whole time, but really. Boring. Not as weird as the first time. No vocal range... I'm really baffled by this song choice. This is the final, Katharine. RANDY: A'ight. PAULA: Garble warber goo goo. SIMON: Good with a lowercase g. Not big enough song for tonight.

I'm sorry, I'm so confused. Why would she pick this again? Ever? REWATCH: She looks cute? I really don't have anything else to say. McDad still crying.

IDOLS 02/04/06... "Living For the City" is Taylor's first one. The first time he sang this, I don't remember what I thought, but I remember what everyone else thought. Everyone was up in arms over how he sang it as a super-happy-excited song but the song is NOT a happy song. I guess at that point I revealed I'd never heard that song before. Boring. Not as spastic as the first time. Maybe I just don't like this song, but um. Stevie Wonder song + American Idol = Bad Idea. Always. Oh, and the jacket? Horrid. But he wins the first song. RANDY: Yo yo, yay yay! PAULA: We match! Look ma boobs! Dance like Taylor! Soul Pertol! SIMON: Good way to start the night, you win the first round. Hey, I said that too. REWATCH: It's fine, but it's Stevie Wonder on American Idol. The jacket. Should never be seen again. Ever.

1/3/5... Katharine is doing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" again this week. I hope she gets off the floor and leaves out the oversing part. Nope, on the floor, and I just can't express in words how tired I am of seeing the girls on their knees this season, it's been overabundant (how could it not have been, with Kellie Pickler in the competition and Kat trying to vamp better than Kellie). I suppose it's best expressed with a head back-tilt and a gigantic eye roll. Demure, very understated, let's just hope it stays that way. Aaaaaand she's building to the oversing... The build up was actually lovely and voteworthy. The oversing was, well, an oversing. But the end was good, and this was much better than last week. Wow, Katharine held out a note and didn't screech. Applause from SarahK. Ok, enough with the McTears. Do they have to show Mr. McPhee every single time he cries? Just in case y'all were wondering out there in TV land, Mr. McPhee is still crying. That's just an update from us to you, because we don't want you going to bed wondering, "Did Kat's dad cry every time Kat sang?" It's a service we provide. You can thank us never. RANDY: You worked it out two weeks in a row. You're hot. PAULA: let's see if anyone can decipher if Paula actually said anything -- this is a word for word quote, per my DVR... Katharine, it's no mistake that it's God-given talent that you are possessed with, that you are possessive of, that you, every father around this country is feeling the tears down their face as your father does every time the camera goes in, on him. SARAHK: WHAT??? Flurgy markova duvnok to you too, Paula. SIMON: Round 1, you were slaughtered. Now, this was your best of the season yet again. SARAHK: Oh, and I hate the blouse. Or curtains from Oprah's house, whatever she's wearing. BTW. Since she made such a big dumb deal about this, I'm gonna make a big dumb deal too. Katharine was wearing an earpiece so the piano could prompt with her starting note. It didn't work this time, and Kat is beside herself that she actually started on the right note. Um, if you can't hit a key on a dinky keyboard backstage and then come out 30 seconds later and mimic the note you just heard 30 seconds ago backstage, you shouldn't be in the AI finals. It's simple playing by ear. Or singing by ear, as it were. That makes me so much less impressed by her performance. Maybe I'm a music snob because my entire family can hear something and sing it back. I certainly wouldn't praise myself with such surprise in front of 40 million people for that. /rant. REWATCH: Katharine at her best. McDad still crying.

2/4/6... Taylor's second song is "Levon". I think I was the only one that liked this the first time he sang it. Taylor looks good in this shiny suit, and his pants aren't too tight. I thought this was even better than the first time he sang it. I am probably the only one in that camp, but I loved it. It wasn't spastic, a little understated, but in a good way. Well-sung. RANDY: Nice song, pitchy, you know I have to keep it real. A little pitchy. PAULA: Part 2 of the "Can We Decipher Paula" game... I don't know, Randy. I think what may be pitchy to you is the essence of who Taylor is, and Taylor's just getting in to the song... SARAHK: Mwu-huh?? Are you saying that pitchiness is Taylor's essence? SIMON: Paula, you make no sense. You walked the first round, Taylor. 2nd round goes to Katharine. It's up for grabs. REWATCH: Loved it. Much.

1/3/5... So now Katharine is singing her first single.

Lemme 'splain about the single. No matter who you are or how well loved, you are going to have a cuh-rappy first single from American Idol. I don't know who vettes (sp?) the songs and gives the big thumbs up that says, yes. By gum, let's take this superstar we've made this year and have everyone who hears the first single by said superstar empty their stomachs via esophagi and immediately turn the station. If it's not hurl-worthy, it's not good enough for American Idol. Last year, Carrie Underwood's first single was "Inside Your Heaven", which has lyrics such as, "I wanna be inside your heaven, take me to the place you cry from..." Where does that even make sense? Take me to your tear ducts, I come in peace, Mr. McPhee. Only in Tamyra Gray's inspirational artistic heartstring does that make sense. The worst part is that it's apparently an unwritten requirement that the song MUST be one of those "you're my inspiration" or "I'm inspired to dream" or "You inspire me to dream about you" songs. The two elements being inspiration and dreaming. By definition, those songs are B-E-A-T-I-N-G-S. So here's what we're up for: each contestant will be given a snooze-inducing cuh-rappy song to sing. Whoever makes their song sound the least sucky wins.

1/3/5... Back to Katharine. Singing Sucky Song #1, called "My Destiny". Her dress is way too tight, she can hardly move in it. It's a pretty color on her, but the cut is horrible. Ok, first off, Sucky Song #1 is way too low for Katharine, and yes, Mr. McPhee is still crying. I've noticed something Katharine does. I used to do this, so I'm very self-conscious about it when I'm singing, whether in the car or the shower or on a stage. When the words are slow and/or the tone low, she looks very sad. When the notes get higher and/or faster, she gets happy. Unless the note is hard to hit, then she looks pained. Doesn't matter the words. Mr. McPhee still crying. Anyway, she should mind her facial expressions. That said, I think when Katharine learned and rehearsed this song, she focused on two things: getting the words right and making faces. Not so much on hitting the notes. This performance was awful, hideous, screechy, off-key (in LOTS of places), and she took an incredibly boring song and did absolutely nothing to make it better. Not a star, not a champion, not your next American Idol. RANDY: Dawg, first, you look gorgeous. Uh-oh. Keeping it real. You sounded really good. I did not love the song. But you sounded good. PAULA: That is not your fault, you are brilliant. SIMON: You went from brilliant to quite good in one song. You are a great potential artist. I hope your fans remember the second song. SARAHK: Absolute mess. REWATCH: Trainwreck followed by a Brevard County wildfire. But I know why it's too low in the beginning. Because it's too high at the end. Ick, it's way too airy. Sometimes airy is good, but when airy is because you can't hit the notes strongly, airy is bad. McMom crying too.

2/4/6... So it's down to Taylor's first cuh-rappy single. And then no more singy. And SarahK can rewatch then go to bed. Taylor's cuh-rap is called "Do I Make You Proud". He starts off holding back but gets into it pretty quickly. See, this is what good artists do. They take cuh-rap and make it bearable. And Taylor's making this more than bearable. Insert record scratch here. What's with the Baptist choir? Seriously, they were there for Kat's love song, and now they're very proud of Taylor. Insert record scratch again, and there is no question. Taylor took his song and made it the best he could make it. Katharine took hers and tried not to screw it up. There is absolutely no question. Taylor wins. RANDY: Slightly better song, but you know who Taylor is and you make all the songs your own. PAULA: You are better than the song. I love it, all the judges are dissing the cuh-rappy songs. SIMON: Assuming it was tied after the 2nd round, you've just won American Idol. REWATCH: Soul Patrol!

No question about it. Taylor wins, hands down. Now everyone vote. For Taylor and his cuh-rappy first single.

Congratulations, Taylor. Most nights, you earned it. Especially tonight.

Wait, pause, I have to dance before the rewatch. The AI producers love me after all. Weird, I'm having a seizure, and now I know when I'm having them, so it's very strange. Where's my helmet? Anyway, Daniel Powter is here, live, to sing "Bad Day". And now I shall get on my knees and dance and wave my arms and sway to the music. I LOVE this song. All I need for a good song is a good melody and that the words don't suck. Oh, and it helps if there's a lovely tenor voice thrown in. This melody rocks my soul. I love the words too. And the voice. But it's the melody that sucks me in every time. My soul, people, my soul. First person to send me this .mp3 from tonight is my new best friend for 30 seconds. REWATCH: I'm not ashamed of my love for this song. My soul, y'all.

Ok, it's to the rewatch, but there's really no point. Taylor, Taylor, Taylor. SOUL PATROL! Goodnight.

UPDATE: Thoughts from Tracey (including thoughts from red), Cullen (ok, well mostly just a prediction that didn't manifest), Bill (um, Dean, who's Kathy?).

IDOLS 01, 04, 07... Elliott's Clive Davis pick is Journey's "Open Arms". Expect Randy to drop names. Clive says he wants Elliott to do a rock song. ? Ok, I guess, but this is one of Journey's most popish songs. Anyway, Elliott will do a fantastic job, I hope. And I was wrong. That was mediocre at best, with Elliott flatting a few notes and I'm pretty sure he messed up the chorus lyrics. He looks good, though, so he should be proud. /channeling Paula. RANDY: Yo, dude, I was like Journey's drummer for a while. SARAHK: No! RANDY: I wasn't sure about you doing this song, but you worked it out, dude! You need to take chances though! [Thanks for that advice so late in the game.] Journey rulz! PAULA: I'm so excited about tonight I could pee my pants! Pirates of Penzance! Best night ever! Mwah! SIMON: Any other night, I would rip you for that performance, but it will be an absolute disaster for the show if Katharine is in the finals, so I'll just say that you can do better. Please please please pretty please do better. Loosen up and believe you can be in the finals. SARAHK: Please please please do better. Pretty please. I'll vote for you anyway, but others might not. REWATCH: He was sharping the notes, not flatting them. But it was good, not great.

IDOLS 02, 05, 08... Clive picked R. Kelly's "I Believe I Can Fly" for Katharine. I think this will be a McWreck, thank you Clive. She'll either try to do too much and come across screechy, or she'll play safe and be boring. Boring or screechy. I'm McOut on Katharine, if you couldn't tell. Send her to Broadway to win some Tonies. Oh, the ridiculous facial expressions aren't enough, what is that weird flappy jerky arm move thingy? Anyway, it was screechy in parts, good in parts, and just McWeird all over. RANDY: Lemme start with you look great. You're not that great a singer yet. PAULA: What a great turquoise color on you! Um... um... this is so hard... Um... KAT: You guys have been really hard on me the past couple of weeks. SARAHK: That's because you haven't been good. RANDY: Song choice. KAT: I didn't pick it! SARAHK: Simon's gonna go against them and praise her. SIMON: Paula and Randy are unfair, I praise you. It was a bit of a moment for you. FRANK J.: How'd you know he was going to do that? SARAHK: If Paula and Randy are really mean, Simon always praises them to be the good guy. Plus that whole reverse psychology thing. Get everyone thinking she's safe so people won't vote for her. Anyway, Katharine, I didn't love it, but it was better than I expected. REWATCH: The screechy notes near the end were flat. Super-flat. And leave the woos to Taylor. Still stinking weird and not good. She tried way too hard to do her own thing. I'm just befuddled.

IDOLS 03, 06, 09... Clive picked Bruce's "Dancing in the Dark". THAT IS A SABOTAGING SONG IF EVER THERE WAS ONE. That's a boring song no matter who's singing it. That's just harsh, Clive. Bad form. And from the look on Taylor's face, it looks like he's not thrilled. But apparently, Clive had to personally call Bruce Springsteen for permission, so maybe Taylor's glad, I dunno. Taylor is doing as much with the song as he can. And he's dancing in the dark with Paula. The performance was as good as it could have been with such a boring song. RANDY: You have a good time! You're great! PAULA: Wish I'd worn the double-stick tape! I always have a great time with you! Bowchickabowwow. SIMON: You have 3 songs. It was ok, paled in comparison to the original. Paula, for someone your age, you were great. SARAHK: It was as good as it could have been, because the original is a boring, three-note song. REWATCH: The facial expressions were painful, but the song was as good as it could have been. Bad song choice.

1/4/7... Elliott's mayor from Richmond, Virginia, tells Elliott that Paula picked "What You Won't Do For Love" by Bobby Caldwell. Poor Elliott, that is just bad luck having Paula pick for you. She always picks crappy songs. Paula says Elliott is a funky, soulful white guy who's full of love. Elliott looks good. He's doing these weird jiggy arm movements. Apparently, Katharine's jerky disease is contagious. Anyway, he sings this one really well. RANDY: Good song, not your best performance. PAULA: You're great, soul patrol! SIMON: Didn't really like the song, but you sang it really well. SARAHK: Yeah, what Simon said. REWATCH: The hip-hop hand-waves seem out of place, but that's just him being loose. But it was great.

2/5/8... Katharine's mayor said Simon wants Kat to sing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow". Simon says ever since he first met her, he knew this was the perfect song for her. It starts out wonderful, maybe even amazing. A capella, she's on the floor (eye roll, good grief, girl, do you have legs? body thetans weighing you down? stand up!). She starts oversinging it right before the finale but drops it back a notch and brings it in very well. That was probably her best of the season and the best so far tonight. Elliott will have to really nail his last song if he wants to be in the finals. RANDY: Yo yo! Woo! Hot! Your best vocal ever! PAULA: Seal clap! Make that dolphin! SIMON: I knew you could do it! I'm glad for you tonight. That was the best to date. SARAHK: Almost killed it with the oversing, but yay, you saved yourself. Definitely your best performance yet. FRANK J.: It's like a pentagon with one more side! I forget what you call that. SARAHK: You know I finish typing faster if you're not talking. And it's a hexagon. (Talking about the logo for Bones, which the Tivo is paused on.) REWATCH: She looks so sad for someone dreaming about what she might see when she gets over the rainbow. Other than that and the oversing in the middle, it's still excellent.

3/6/9... Taylor's governor, who apparently taught Kellie Pickler to talk, says that Randy picked "You Are So Beautiful" by Joe Cocker. The others got mayors, and Taylor got a governor? That's discrimination! Against the Jew and the girl! Anyway, Taylor is trying to go for very subdued here, really trying to feel the words, but he's really trying too hard. So hard that he misses some of the notes. Not flat or sharp, just sings them so soft that they're not there. Then there's a really good woo high bit and he brings it home. Excellent. One of his best. RANDY: Yay! PAULA: Yay! SIMON: Far and away your best performance ever. TAYLOR: Soul Patrol! Simon's happy! Yay! SARAHK: Yay! REWATCH: Oustanding, especially the high falsetto stuff. That's how it's done. Still tried to hard on the emoting.

1/4/7... Elliott gets to pick his own song. Let's hope he's better at it than Paula. I've already voted for him ten times. Elliott is doing the Donny Hathaway version of Ray Charles's "I Believe to My Soul". I love this from the beginning. There's one bad vibrato spot, but I love the re-- Oh no, he didn't. He sang his own name into the song. Ok, other than that and the bad vibrato spot, it was great. RANDY: Bad song, you did great. PAULA: Not a great song, people can't connect, but no one can sing like you sing. You rip, you nail, you're funky and white. SIMON: Your songs are not going to carry you through to next week. But you're a great guy, you have a great voice, you're going to make your mum proud. SARAHK: I loved most of it. Let's hope Kat goes campy and everyone votes for you because Simon thinks they won't. I'm worried about you. Bad songs for Elliott tonight. REWATCH: I think I'm harder on everyone the first time around. This is why I rewatch. I can't wait to buy Elliott's first CD. This was great.

2/5/8... Katharine is singing "I Ain't Got Nothing but the Blues". Short, black, skimpy, cleavagey dress. Tall boots. Love the song, didn't care for the performance. RANDY: Ok. PAULA: Ok. SIMON: I wish "Over the Rainbow" had been your last song. It was ok. SARAHK: Meh. OTR was great, this was less than great. REWATCH: No change to what I said. Except that I wish I watched with my eyes closed?

3/6/9... Taylor is doing "Try a Little Tenderness" by Otis Redding for the Soul Patrol. This is the song he was going to do the love songs week, and the producers made him change his song 2 days before the competition because it wasn't technically a love song. Honestly, this is kinda messy, all over the place, the slow part is sloppy, the fast and Taylory part is spastic. Not my favorite Taylor performance. RANDY: Your new name is Have a Good Time Funky Taylor. PAULA: I've been waiting for you to sing this. And I'll be waiting for you later, wink wink. SIMON: Great song, great performance, hideous ending, see you next week. SARAHK: It was a'ight. But you win the night. REWATCH: Overdone but really good. You don't win the night. But you're the next American Idol.

Best song tonight: Kat's "Over the Rainbow". Worst: Kat's "I Believe I Can Weird SarahK Out".
Kat's best: OTR
Elliott's best: I Believe to My Soul.
Taylor's best: You Are So Beautiful.

My first order (changes on the rewatch):
Taylor**
Katharine
Elliott*************** (I really think a Taylor / Katharine final will be incredibly snoozetastic.)

The songs killed Elliott tonight. I think Elliott and Taylor will split Chris's votes, because Chris fans are bitter about Katharine knocking off Chris with her lousy performances. Chris's guy fans probably roll their eyes at Taylor and either drop off or vote for boobs. The girl fans want to scratch Katharine's eyes out. Not me, I'm way nicer than that. But honestly, I won't vote for her, because I really don't want to listen to a whole album of screechy Christina Aguilera type music. I want Katharine to be a huge Broadway star and win Tonies. I don't say Broadway in a negative way, it's just she fits there and not on pop stations. Taylor has the super-huge fan base, so he's automatically safe. Katharine had the best song of the night, but Taylor was the best overall. Elliott got mostly bad reviews, so that will motivate people to dial. Ugh, it's just so hard. Taylor's safe. Elliott and Katharine are the bottom two. :D If Katharine didn't have boobs, I'd say she's going home. Aw, heck, I'm saying it anyway. Katharine's gone, or next week will be a yawner.

Now to rewatch. AFTER THE REWATCH: I actually think Elliott's going home, but I'm still picking Katharine. So to clarify, I can't take credit for the prediction if Elliott goes home. AFTER THE REWATCH, MY ORDER CHANGED:
Elliott**********
Katharine
Taylor**

Mr. F, Jack and Bill go to meet Chloe in the situation room. Chloe has a T1 to the Attorney General, someone in the House, and someone in the Senate. Chloe realizes something's wrong with the recording that no one copied, ever, and they all freak out. Chloe finally remembers that Miles came into the room when she was working on the recording. And that's all Jack needs.

Jack makes a beeline for Weasel, and Mr. F tells security, kinda half-heartedly, "Security, stop him." Jack turns around and punches Security in the chest. Security falls. Security is having a bad day. Miles is gonna have one too. Jack grabs Miles by the throat and calls him a bad word. Mr. F tells Jack to let Miles go, and Mr. F asks where Miles is going (he was packing). He's been transferred. Mr. F asks where, and Jack says the White House. Mr. F slaps Miles. I was really hoping for some bullet action with Miles.

Estro calls Mr. F and asks what's up with the conference call with the Attorney General. "Oh nothing, it was a mistake, I... uh... wanted to ask who does his hair. He has such nice hair. But then Chloe told me who she uses, so I don't need to talk to him anymore." Estro tells Mr. F that the evidence he had on Jack turned out to be not so good, so she could let him go. She reminds him of the millions of dollars he wasted (on fuel alone) in order to bring in Jack. "Yeah, well, you know my staff. Unreliable little idiots they are. They were on crack with the evidence they gave me, so I changed my mind. No harm no foul." Mr. F has by this time sent Chloe to the basement to try to get the recording off the microchip in a way that their super-high-tech computers can't. Chloe says, "Yeah, ok, I hate these old Trash-80 computers. They're so worthless. But I did write a program that tells me hello whenever I hit Enter."

Jack tells Mr. F that Estro's letting him go because he knows he's won, and that Jack will be killed. Jack thinks it must be timed with something else. And then they get word that Bierko's van was ambushed. The one survivor says he overheard Bierko talking about having one last thing to do and said something about a nerve gas canister. Mr. F gets very serious and tells Bill that Chloe's in charge, and their first priority is finding Bierko.

Bierko's goon tells Bierko that they can't do much with one canister of nerve gas, and Bierko says yes they can. He dramatically rips off his bandage.

Back at the ranch, Marty is taking more drugs. She sees Aaron's cellphone on the mantle and picks it up and caresses it. She goes and finds an agent. She asks him to return Aaron's phone to him, you know, since he's been transferred to Washington. She gets a little weird.

Estro walks into a special room where they've been keeping Aaron and beating the crap out of him. Estro says he's sorry and sits down for a chit chat. How sweet. Estro tells Aaron he doesn't know what's going on. Aaron says, then you tell me. Estro says, the recording Jack told you about doesn't exist, and Aaron says, that's not what I've been told. Estro says he needs to know they can put this behind them. He says if Aaron says they're cool, he'll transfer Aaron anywhere he wants except the White House. Is that acceptable? Aaron says that there is nothing that the President has done or said today that is acceptable. "You're a traitor, and it's my duty to see that you're brought to justice. Is there anything else, Charles?" BOO! YAH! OWNED!

Estro and his agent walk out, and the agent tells Estro that Aaron will be a problem. Estro gives him the come out swinging signal with his eyes, and the guy goes back to Aaron's secret beating room.

Estro calls Halliburton and tells him that the situation is contained, that Marty is not going to be a problem, and Aaron is being taken care of. I'm hoping that Aaron is excaping and putting the hurt on that one guy.

Mike comes out looking for the pres frantic-like. Mike tells Estro that Bierko's escaped and talking nerve gas attack. Estro wants constant apprisal of progress. Copy that.

Mr. F and Jack ask Chloe about her progress. Chloe's looking, and Mr. F carries a HUGE one for Chloe. "Chloe, it's really important that we find that car Bierko's in." Chloe flips her off with, "I know." Jack and Bill confirm that they have nothing. Mr. F offers up Henderson and wants to offer Robo a deal. Jack brings up the obvious. "Um, he killed an ex-president and tried to kill the SecDef." Jack is very against the deal but would LOVE to be the one to present it. Please let me alone with him. Can I lock the door even?

Jack tells Robocop that the recording is gone and Bierko is setting up an attack. Jack tells him if he's a patriot he'll prove it. Jack says help me put out the fire that you started. Robo says, "It was always burning since the world's been turning." Robo asks if he's getting immunity. Tells Jack that even immunity will kill Robocop. He says there's these guys who will kill me. You can't touch them, but they can touch you. But Jack doesn't like being touched. Jack wants names and Bierko's head on a platter. Robo says, "But you didn't even dance for me. Dance, Salome, dance!" Robocop says that he doesn't want immunity. He wants to disappear out of the country with his wife and needs contacts, because all his contacts are loyal to Estrogen.

Jack wants Chloe working out of the situation room and gives her 14 priority names that Robocop gave her. Audrey walks down the hall, and Jack has to go to him. She heard about the recording and Bierko, because those docs in the sick bay are such gossipers. Audrey's not happy about Robocop being given immunity.

CONTINUITY ERROR? Um, I swear last week, Chloe was wearing a black sweater. I remember commenting that Chloe got to change clothes, and thank goodness. And now she's back in that sweater. Thank badness. ???

Chloe found only one name with an active cell, and Robo says he's an arms dealer. Half hour ago, the guy got a 12 second call. !!! Robocop says don't bring him in, you can't crack him. Robo says send me in to talk to Molina. He says you can't even get into his system, which is blah blah blah, and Chloe confirms that they can't get through that firewall. Jack says Robocop can't be trusted, and Mr. F says, that's why I'm sending you in with Robocop. Jack says he'll kill him if he has to.

Marty's outside for some nice breezy nicotine-filled air, and she sees a car pull up in a garage. Ooh, cars in garages, better check it out! So she goes over. Meanwhile, the unnamed agent comes out hauling Aaron and tells him to get into the trunk, which is covered in a sheet. Yeah, I'll get right on that. Aaron tries to reason with him, and Marty comes up to ask what's up. The guy points the gun at her, she's like really? Think you're gonna shoot the first lady? He starts calling Estrogen for permission, and Aaron kicks him. He kicks Aaron, they wrestle and the agent loses his gun, he hits him on the back of the head, Aaron's hurt, Marty gets the guy's gun and shoots the unnamed redshirt agent (don't worry, there's a suppressor on the gun!). Aaron is seriously injured, so Marty's panicking. Now y'all run off together to Mexico!

Rico is in the car with Jack and Robocop! Yay Rico Suave! Curtis is setting up a perimeter at Molina's place when they park. Rico gets everyone in position, and Jack gives Robocop 10 minutes to do his thing. Hey, Molina's that guy! He's played a cop in something or other. So we'll call him Previous Cop, for lack of something clever. Robocop goes inside, and Molina scans him for wires and weapons. Jack's on the roof.

Previous Cop pulls a pretty gun on Robocop. Robocop tells him that CTU and Jack are there. He tells Previous Cop to secure his important files and trash everything else. Curtis and Jack move in right away, because you know, they've been listening. Robocop asks for Previous Cop's weapon, which is fully auto. They have a shootout. RICO SUAVE HAS BEEN HIT!! But he's so pretty! You can't shoot Rico Suave! Previous Cop has been shot in the hip. Robocop lets Jack in on what would have been the plan, which involved getting Molina to lift the firewall and segregate his important files. That's what I was assuming.

Jack sends Chloe the files, SarahK worries about Rico Suave, and Jack wants Previous Cop saved. Bill is very distraught that the very pretty Rico Suave has been shot. And has anyone found Wayne Palmer yet? Chloe found her sweater, surely someone can find Wayne!

Marty is dressing Aaron's wounds. Aaron tells her he needs to lay low, because the president needs to think Aaron's dead. Meanwhile, they have a dead body to hide. Marty wants to do it, but Aaron says to tell Mike to meet Aaron there so he can do it. He says they need to tell Mike everything. Marty wants Aaron's word that he'll find a way to live if Estro finds him. Because you know, I love you, my love. She doesn't say it, but you know she's thinking it.

Chloe hacks the files and finds that there's a schematic for a Russian sub that just happens to be docked in L.A. for inspection by the U.S. Navy, because part of the treaty is that we get to share technology with the Russians now. Now that Robocop has gained Jack's trust, Jack wants him uncuffed and all that so Robo can easily do bad stuff. Robo says that there are 12 spider missiles on the sub that could easily take out several city blocks.

Jack calls the sub from the helicopter and tells the sub commander about Bierko coming for his ship. He goes hunting, has Jack on the phone, and Bierko shoots the guy in charge. Then they drop a nerve gas canister into the sub to kill everyone. After a minute or so, Bierko and his men put on masks and go through the sub. Bierko enters codes they got from Molina and takes control of the weapons system. Bierkos men are loading the missiles.

On the next 24, which is a two-hour season finale, a bunch of crazy stuff happens, and Jack comes face to face with Estro and tells him he's gonna face justice the Jack Bauer way right now. Should be fun. Assuming Chloe figures out what she's supposed to wear.

Oh no. They're doing a group medley. Of Elvis songs. Quick, turn off the amp! Nuh-uh. Go Kat Go, and she's dancing all by herself on stage. I was already nauseous from my migraine meds. And Taylor has his Cap'n Tightpants on. And my goodness, Katharine. I'm starting to think she caught Taylor's manic dance fever, and is there an artist who jumps up and down constantly? Because she caught that disease too. 'NSYNC. She caught the J.C. Jumps. Poor girl.

Oh my goodness, that Rebecca Romijn thing where she requested "Jailhouse Rock" from Taylor. So staged. Taylor totally just got jiggy with Elliott's mama. He owes Elliott dinner for that one.

Top two and bottom two. Chris/Katherine and Elliott/Taylor. Which is which? You know what Frank said? "Oh, if Taylor and Elliott are top two, then Dial Idol got it right again." Ummmmmm. I don't have any machines doing my work for me, so it's WAY more impressive that I predicted it. That was all my smirts. No engineering involved. Thank you, I rock.

And Chris and Katharine are the bottom two. And Chris is going home, and the whole room is shocked.

Not me, because America has sucked so bad this season. Hello, Kellie Pickler got past Mandisa. Gedeon went home way before Scrappy Doo. How is Chris going before Katharine surprising?

Oh, about Katharine. Listen, I have big boobs too. Ok, average but as big as Katharine's. In fact, I looked down tonight and went, "Wow, my boobs are big," and Frank said, "Yes they are." One of the great things about having a Dove body. Does that mean I'm more talented than Chris? Uh no. But you don't see me up there in the top 3. Of course, I'll be 30 soon, so I'm too old, but anyway. Yeehaw. What was I saying?

But listen. This is absolutely the best thing that could have happened to Chris. Why is he gone? Truly, why is he gone? Because he kept having to do pop. His fans want him to do what he does best, which is definitely not pop. When has he been in the bottom? Never when he rocked the house. Anyway, if he puts out an AI album, you know they're gonna make him do pop, just like Bo. This way he'll be able to do his style of music. Unless AI puts out his album anyway. Plus I rilly don't think he's gonna be stuck out with no music career. Bands will be calling, which is great, but he has his own band, and now they have all that 35 million strong publicity.

So I'm glad he's out. I'm dancing to "Bad Day" as much as I did when Kellie's gig was finally up, because this is gonna be so much better for him and for music fans. Whee!

But if Katharine isn't gone next week (if you can't tell, I'm totally out on her), I won't Whee.

Did I say that out loud? I'll have to remember to go back and erase that. Such a great producer. Not the best judgment. Lemme ask. Does Priscilla Presley still live at Graceland? With all the tourists coming and going? I hope her house is decorated like that for the tourists and not by personal choice.

Say, we just spent the last 15 minutes watching Sydney jump around on the plant ledge, which is a 4 foot jump from the crow's nest for her. Then I took pictures of Syd and Minerva and Rowdi. Way more exciting than Elvis night.

IDOLS 01 and IDOLS 05... Taylor will be singing "Jailhouse Rock". If he manages to make this boring and safe, I'll be out on him. Ok, not boring and safe, but not exciting. Great vocals but more on the mic later. What was up with him taking out the earpieces in the middle of the song? I guess he didn't want to hear himself any more. Hmm, it wasn't dull. The dancing was funish. But Taylor needs to be conscious of his mic placement. Usually when he's throwing around the mic or missing kicking over the mic stand or throwing away his earpiece or moving side to side or walking or not walking, he misses the mic. It's not bad sound, it's only Taylor. He's either too far from the mic or he forgets it's there. Of course, they have 2 mics, and I don't know the purpose of the teeny lapel mic. Anyway, mind your mic, Taylor. Randy: You're hot tonight. Paula: I'm drunk tonight and I LOVE YOUUUUU! You look fantastic!! Simon: Let's finally get real, it was KaraoKe with a capital K. SarahK: Meh. Not boring, not standout. You get an F for choosing an Elvis song. Ryan accuses Simon of hardly living in the real world because Simon's so rich. I'm sure that Casey Kasem gig and the radio show and the E! show and the American Idol gig have Ryan living in the ghetto with Kenny. REWATCH: Soul Patrol! If you didn't hear me say it, maybe you heard Taylor one of the 47 times he said it. Way better on the dancing than Katharine. He doesn't enunciate so well, but that could be the mic thing. Earpiece flying all over the place. It was good but nothing spectacular. Why don't they ever let Simon speak? And I love it when he tells Paula to shut up. Everyone should do that now and then.

IDOLS 02 and IDOLS 06... Chris wears boxer briefs, for any concerned. Ryan is a little uncomfy with that, because he was really hoping for tighty whiteys. He is singing "Suspicious Minds", his all-time favorite Elvis song. You know what's my all-time favorite Elvis song? The Sound of Silence. Chris's future's so bright he's gotta wear shades on stage. He looks good, I like his clothes. That's about the only good I can say about this performance. He sounds very pop on this. And it's about as blah as I've ever seen Chris. Randy: Sensitive, kinda nice, not my favorite, kinda nice. Paula: See you in the finals. Simon: Other than the sunglasses it worked. SarahK: I liked the sunglasses, and that's about it. You get an F for choosing an Elvis song. REWATCH: Just nothing stands out. They're dumbing him down, and I don't care for it.

IDOLS 03 and IDOLS 07... Elliott. Tommy Motolla said to him, "Don't Jew up that song." At least that's how I would translate "Don't make it sound like a bar mitzvah song." Wow. He took it well, though. Elliott is singing "I Can Dream", which Paula says Simon says is the song Elvis used to close his shows. He lost his key when he got lost in a cloud but immediately picked it back up and saved himself. Other than that one note that made my migraine worse, it was outstanding. Tilt your head down, though, when you're doing the big notes. Trust me, just do it. Randy: Great, dawg. Paula: Gibbledy gook, waka waka, you've evolved, your best ever. Simon: Obscure song, great job. SarahK: Hard to beat that. You get an A for making an Elvis song sound good. REWATCH: I'm trying like mad to vote for him and have gotten a million busy signals. And it was the best of the night on the rewatch too.

IDOLS 04 and IDOLS 08... Katharine is singing "Hound Dog" and "All Shook Up", because apparently there were 3 Elvis songs she wanted to do. Strike 1. She looks great, I love the washed out jeans and the grey top. Ok, there's one mediocre note... I hate the switching back and forth, and oh my goodness, did she try and fail at the hip jiggle Elvis is way too famous for? !!! She forgot her lyrics!!! Bad Katharine. The stage performance is yuck, but the vocals are actually surprisingly great. You know. When she remembered to sing. Randy: Yo, you forgot your lyrics. Paula: But you played it off smart by turning your back to the audience. Simon: Manic, very audition-for-musical-y. Shrieky. Shreiky? Don't feel like looking it up. I think it's ie. SarahK: Paula, the audience is smart enough to know she forgot her lyrics. But the guys were probably distracted by the butt shot, so maybe it worked. I don't know, you'd have to ask a guy. Anyway, she gets an F- for singing not just one but two Elvis songs. REWATCH: The failing Elvis hip dance is just sad. There are times she just really looks tired. She does a big dance number and then stands almost completely still for a few seconds. Vocals are good but not as good as the first time.

01/05... Taylor's second song is "In The Ghetto". I'm sorry, but I can't hear the title or think of this song without cracking up and thinking of Cartman singing it. "In the Ghetto-o-o-o-o-o..." LOL, I won't be able to judge this one fairly. BTW, why does Taylor always squirm like he has to pee when he's sitting? Oh, funny, Frank freeze framed it, and Ryan's hand was on Taylor's shoulder, and Taylor has this look on his face like "He better get his !@#$ hands off of me NOW!" Ok, I'm trying hard to listen, but I keep busting out in giggle fits every time he says "In the ghetto...". Anyway, awesome Taylor, no dancing, yay, and wow, it's high and mighty. Randy: Right key, right song, hot hot hot. Paula: You know I love you. Simon: Much better, welcome to next week. SarahK: Bravo. He gets a B- (F for picking an Elvis song, A+ on the singing of it, B for making me get too giggly to listen). REWATCH: 2nd best performance of the night, behind Elliott's "I Can Dream". UPDATE: See below, this drops to 3rd best of the night.

02/06... Chris is singing "A Little Less Conversation". The sexy factor in this one is off the charts, and that might be the only thing that saves him. No wait, that ending is the other thing that saves him. Great ending. The rest was blah, but I guess he needed to build up. Randy: Hot dawg. Or is that hot, dawg. Paula: Yay. Simon: I liked the first one better. SarahK: The first one didn't even have a good ending. A+ on the sexy, F for picking an Elvis song. I liked you better when you were a so-called one trick pony. REWATCH: I guess I missed the Cap'n Tightpantsyness the first time around, but it's still good. This is better the 2nd time around. The whole package is there. And I love that ending.

03/07... Elliott is singing "Trouble". I really like when he wears jeans with boots and a sport coat / blazer / whatever the cool kids call it these days. It's a good look for him. Ok, y'all, Elliott is owning everyone else tonight. Pwning, as the cool kids inexplicably say. Seriously, what's with replacing the O with the P? Or am I missing something? Anyway, Elliott rules and gets 10 votes from me. Randy: Yo yo!! Paula: Seal clap! Arm wave! Elliott plus Paula equals LUV 4EVER! Simon: You deserve to go through to the next round. Came out fighting. SarahK: Elliott is the best tonight hands down. A++ for making another Elvis song sound not like Elvis. See you in the finals. REWATCH: I still can't get through on his line. I should have called earlier. I changed my mind. This one is almost as good as his first one and better than "In the Ghetto". Hooray for Elliott! I'm so glad he's finally killin' on stage. And I liked when Ryan implied Paula's a stripper. That was classy!

04/08... Katharine's second song is... oh yes, I suspected she would do this... It'll be hard to ever vote for Katharine again. I think the only Elvis song I hate more than "Can't Help Falling in Love" is "Blue Christmas". Ugh, the outfit. Kellie Pickler meets Paris Bennett meets a tax accountant. Song starts beautifully. After the beginning, I'm out. And at the end, she really has nothing left, it's like she's sung her last note. Dun-dun-dunnnnnnn. Randy: Yo, pitchy, no air left at the end. Paula: I have no idea what she said. Shoes! I love the shoes! Simon: You're in trouble, it started beautifully (I said that!), it was over the top, you picked bad songs tonight. REWATCH: Not better the 2nd time.

In order:
Elliott by a mile **********
Taylor**
Chris** - not voting for him. 1/3 of 1 song was good. :'( - changed my mind, see below.
Katharine - oh no. maybe i should vote for Chris just to make sure he wins over her.

Bottom 2: Chris, Katharine. Going home: This one's hard. I think it should be Katharine, but Chris was really bland tonight, and the judges picking on Katharine will garner her a few extra votes. The sunglasses on Chris will have a few guys not voting. Paris's votes probably go to Kat or Elliott... So I predict Chris is gone before his time. But I've already decided. The finals should be Elliott and Taylor. Now I have to go do the rewatch.

UPDATE: Since it's almost 1, and I can't get through on Elliott's line, I'm not voting for Taylor or Chris either. Ok, maybe Chris because I don't want him to get stuck behind Kat. Can't get through on his line either.

The copilot is complaining about his broken nose. Jack calls F and tells her they'll land in 21 minutes, just in time for the 2nd commercial break. Jack, of course, asks about Audrey. They decide they'll get a team to head off law enforcement when the plane lands.

Rico Suave comes in and tells Audrey he just saved 15% on his car insurance by switching to GEICO. Oh yeah, the other good news is that Daddy the PitBull survived the car crash. The hospital called, Daddy's in ICU but expected to pull through. Rico says he's well-protected, but you know how that goes. Rico's looking suspicious? Maybe he's just anemic, I don't know.

F tasks Rico Suave to get Jack and bring him back to CTU before Estro's men get to him. Copy that.

Halliburton Howard tells Estro that they'll make it look like there's a hijacking in progress on the plane so they can shoot it down. "All you need to do is appear to struggle with the ethics of shooting down the plane and then make the decision." Estro appears to struggle with the ethics of being evil and tells Halliburton Howard to proceed.

F and Bill are going over logistics, and Weasel hears them talking about great evidence that implicates Estro, and Miles asks F what's going on. She tells him it's need to know, and he can need to know it later.

Mike Novick tells Estro that the plane has sent out a hijacking distress call to the FAA, and the FAA has picked it up. Supposedly the plane's gonna be used to target installations on the ground. Boy, I can call them. I called it out loud, I just didn't type it. Estro asks an air force admiral what they do, and he says we have to shoot it down with our scrambled F-18. Estro appears to struggle with the ethics of shooting down the plane, and Mike says no, I just don't think Jack Bauer would do that. The admiral is like, Jack Bauer is stressed out. Mike's like, I don't know why this is happening, but Jack wouldn't do that. The admiral's like, we're out of time because the plane's over the desert now but will be over L.A. county soon, and I'm like, it's just Hollywood, who cares? (My sister-in-law and Frank's other relatives excluded.) And the president says do it! And Mike's like, No! And Estro's like, I have spoken! COPY THAT!

F gets word about the distress signal and tells Jack that an F-18 has been scrambled. He's like, "Shoot us down?" and the copilot is going, "I just took the recording in exchange for a free breakfast at IHOP next week, it so wasn't worth it!"

Jack wants to talk to the F-18 pilot so he can work his Bauer Power Magical Speak, and Bill tells him they're on a coded frequency. *whistle* Chloe? Jack tells the copilot they have to land right now this second or they'll die. The copilot says there's no where to land for a hundred miles, and Jack tells Bill to find him a stretch of freeway a mile long (give or take 280 feet) they can land on. SarahK says, "Yeah, they've got martial law, they can do that." The copilot says, "We can't land on the freeway." Jack says, "It's late, there's a curfew, we can do that." Frank says, "That's what you just said!" and I say copy that, I'm smirt. Copilot moves over and at Jack's orders handcuffs himself to the wheel. You know, just in case he was planning on using that commercial jetliner ejection seat. Don't forget to use the seat cushion as a floatation device if needed. Copy that.

Weasel sees Chloe coming in (F and Bill brought her in). F and Bill ask Chloe to do some technical stuff so they know exactly how long Jack has. Bill finds a freeway, but Copilot whines that it's not long enough. Jack says either the copilot can try, or Jack will try to land it. Copilot caves, because he doesn't know if Jack has flight credentials and doesn't want to risk the safety of the passengers. Because he cares.

Chloe pulls up the radar for the F-18 that she's hacked into, and they've got about 5 minutes. 15 miles. Eep. They bring the plane down hard, the oxygen masks drop, and the flight attendant carries a whole bunch of ones for the passengers. "Put the oxygen masks on!" Copy that! Also heard ya in the pre-flight lecture! They have trouble pulling out of their major nose dive, and Jack helps out. The admiral tells Estro that the plane is landing, and Estro starts throwing a tantrum and saying, shoot it down! And the admiral says, "But... um... he's uh... landing? Which means not using the plane as a missile." "Shoot it down!" And Mike's like, "Wha? They're not a threat, doofy! What is your deal? I IMPLORE you to reconsider!" Finally Estro caves but yells loudly about sending Marines in the area to take Jack Bauer down. COPY THAT!

Then the plane landing commences, and SarahK just about has a heart attack. Seriously, where is my sphygmomanometer? And who named that thing anyway? Some guy with a deadly blood pressure disease named Sphygmoman? Hey, that's a cool super-hero name. Blood pressure threatening you? Systolic trying to kill you?? Send out the Cuff Signal and call Sphygmo Man!

What was I saying? Oh yes. Just in time for the 2nd commercial break (really, I rule on this predicting thing), Jack and copilot land the plane. Copilot says, "It's too fast!" Jack says, "Do it!" The passengers get super-jostled, I hope they're ok. The plane comes within a TV-tray's distance of hitting an overpass but stops just in time.

Bill tells Jack that Curtis is coming to meet him. Jack says, "Oh yeah, the copilot's attached to the plane, so don't forget to collect him." Copy that. The passengers all flee, Jack yells at them to continue fleeing, and he opens one of the emergency exits to escape out the side, next to those engines that have already stopped moving (and did they even reverse?). Beep boop, commercial. BTW, that was a huge budget scene. At least it looked like it.

Halliburton tells Estro he screwed up and should have shot down the plane. Copy that. Estro says But the Marines will fix it all! Which yes, they would, but Rico Suave was special forces or something.

Jack calls Rico to tell him that the Marines are swarming, and Curtis is driving in. Jack goes to meet him with his JackSack. Rico says a Jack Bauer phrase when they get stopped by the Marines. Jack tells Rico to talk his way out of it. Rico says, I'm not gonna show you my ID, I have to get Jack Bauer before he escapes. We're all on the same team, yo. "Now if you really want to fire on a Federal agent, that's on your head. My head is driving on away from you." I heart Rico Suave. Anyway, so the dumb Marine (I'm not saying Marines are dumb, I'm saying this one is dumb and should have checked IDs) lets them go, and Rico talks to Bill. Bill says that Estro has to be behind this, and Rico says, "There's construction on the freeway. I'll take the surface streets," which is the ALIAS way of saying, "I'll take the backroads." Copy that.

Miles calls F's cell to ask what's going on, and Miles says, "But you're working with two people under arrest. You tell me now." F is going to tell him. Personally, I think they should hold him in the situation room at gunpoint and not let him out until Estro is dead or at Camp Despair.

The blonde chick who doesn't have a name that I can remember watches Miles leave to go talk to F, whom I'm now back to calling MR. F, since she didn't take Miles into the situation room and hold him at gunpoint. Mr. F tells him what's up, Miles says you're crazy, she says this is why I didn't tell you, and here comes blonde chick, who is obviously a mole. I think Miles is gonna kill Mr. F. The blonde chick gives Mr. F a message about Bierko being ready for transfer, and Miles promises not to tell anyone what Mr. F told him. Right. No one but Mike Novick or President Estrogen.

Mr. F tells Bierko he's being transferred to district holding and tells the men to let her know the second he arrives. Yeah, so that means he won't actually arrive.

Bierko nods at the driver of his van. So cliche.

Estro is looking for Novick, and Novick walks in to tell Estro that the Marine field commander doesn't have Bauer after sweeping the perimeter. Bauer got away. Copy that. Estro gets crazy eyes. Novick tries to reassure the President, who gets menacing eyes and turns away. He tells Mike he needs some time alone. "BTW, can you bring me my wife's pills and some wine to down them with? I'd love to kill myself precisely at this moment."

Estro's cell is ringing, and he's not picking up. If only he knew that it was Miles.

Jack comes in to CTU and gives the recording to Chloe. Don't let it out of your sight, Chloe, he says. Copy that, Jack. He never mentions how she should make copies. With his 10 minutes until questioning, he wants to see Audrey. Ugh, and see her he does. He even kisses her knee and tells her to close her eyes. Will a sphygmomanometer measure the hurl pressure in my tummy tum?

Estrogen sits at his presidential compound desk and takes out a presidential box that I assume holds his presidential pistol. He calls Halliburton, and they tell him that the Attorney General has info from CTU that implicates Estro. They tell him it would be a horrible thing to put the president on trial. He says, yes, I agree. Gotta go, need to do some stuff before I off myself. Copy that. He checks the magazine in his beautiful 1911. Wow, what a pretty gun he's gonna kill himself with.

After commercial, Estro goes into Marty's room for a last magnificent scene together (and bravo, both of you!), where she's watching CNB and not FoxNews. Is he gonna shoot her? What, she can't live without him? He's so arrogant. Anyway, he says he's so sorry for everything. She says you should be sorry when you forget my birthday. This is too big for sorry. Or something like that. She says if I weren't so horrified that I married a homosexual, I might actually be impressed with your ability to lie. That was a great scene.

He leaves the room and goes back to his presidential office where his beautiful shiny presidential 1911 awaits. But wait, first he needs to have a glass of Scotch to delay things so he can receive a phone call. Doesn't he know he could destroy his liver drinking like that? Just as he's about to shoot himself, he gets an urgent call from CTU. Miles, that !@#$%^&*(). Miles tells him that he feels compelled to intervene and get that recording for the president.

Because you know, not one of those people there would have thought to make a FREAKING COPY! YOU'RE ALL TOO BUSY SAYING "COPY THAT" TO ACTUALLY.... COPY THAT!!!

The President says, I won't forget this. Miles says, Good! And offscreen, Estro says, I won't forget to off you just to make sure you're not a loose end for me. The president puts away his beautiful shiny gun. !@#$it.

Miles walks in to ask Chloe how long before the teleconference, and he's demagnetizing the recording as Chloe is working on it but not COPYING IT! She tells him to get out of there. Hey, I just noticed Chloe got to change clothes. I'm so glad the sweater is gone. Beep boop.

Next week. Everyone's like, what happened to the recording that not one single person in TV land ever thought to copy? And Chloe's like, I don't know! I hope Jack shoots Miles just for funsies.

Bierko escapes, and one of the guys says they said they're not finished. Aaron returns, Estro makes him bleed, and says let's put this behind us. Aaron tells him he's a disgrace to his office. Estro gets crazy eyes. Robocop tells Jack that he can't touch Halliburton's group, but they can touch him. "IF you know what I mean..."

IDOLS 01 AND 06... Not that it matters, since the voting is over. Anyway, last night the contestants sang two songs. One from the top 10 on Billboard charts right now, and one from their birth year. Elliott was born in 1978. Aww, he's just a baby! He's singing "On Broadway" first, and it's kinda boring. He looks good, but the song seems out of sorts. Sounds good but almost like he's off with the band. The end is really good, but the rest was kinda eh. I'm glad he has two songs. Randy: Started iffy, loved the rest, dawg. Paula: I can't say anything negative unless Randy says it first. Simon: I'm glad you have two songs, not your best performance. Hey, maybe now that Kellie's gone, Simon and i will be in sync on this thing again. UPDATE: I'm watching with Frank now, and this is way better than I remember it being when I watched it this morning. And I forgot to comment that I really liked this outfit. Jeans, brown jacket. I could do without the huge-knotted brown satin tie, but whatever.

IDOLS 02 AND 07... Not that it matters. Paris is next. Paris says her first song is gonna be "Prince Kiss". I think she means Prince's "Kiss", but since Prince ends in an "s" sound, she thinks that means there's a silent apostrophe and no "s" at the end. Ugh, that is one of my biggest pet peeves ever. That, and someone not giving something the s after the apostrophe just because the word ends in an s. IF IT'S NOT PLURAL, IT GETS ANOTHER S, AND THE S IS PRONOUNCED! GOODNESS, TAKE 7TH GRADE GRAMMAR, WOULD YOU? Yet another reason we are soooo homeschooling our kids. Anyway, Paris says this isn't a song that a lot of people could make a song, but she thinks she can, which sounds pretty arrogant if you ask me, but she probably doesn't mean it the way I'm taking it. Anyway, she was born in 1988 and was a super-cute baby. LOL, she was a tomboy and her mama dressed her in frilly dresses. Poor Paris. She looks pretty. Oh, she thinks she wants to dance, which means she's shaking the booty and the boobies. I could have done without that. Ok, the song. Boring and screechy, and had another one of Paris's signature "come on"s.. Randy: A'ight, yeah I liked it. Paula: You know I love you. Simon: Screechy and annoying. Ah. He's back. I may start loving him again. Paris: I love all the opinions, thanks for saying I was screechy and annoying. Kellie left her fake humble pie behind, and Paris gobbled it up?

IDOLS 03 AND 08... Not that it matters. Chris was born in 1979. He's just a baby! Oh wait, my husband's his age. LOL, his kid pics are funny. Chris looks like he's wearing the eyeliner again, and I think he's wearing foundation on his bald head. He's singing "Renegade" by Styx. I'm enjoying this. It was really great, the ending was great, and he looks great, and I was wrong about him wearing eyeliner. Good, so it wasn't just a temporary lesson he learned. He should always wear black. BUT PLEASE, CHRIS, STOP COLORING YOUR EYEBROWS! IT'S CREEPY! Randy: You're hot, dawg. Paula: Where's Ted Kennedy? I'm not super-drunk, and I could use a hit from his flask! Simon: A million times better than the other 2, you picked a great song.

IDOLS 04 AND 09... Not that it matters. Ryan is asking Katharine about last week's wardrobe malfunction. "I didn't even know I lost a button, so I hope I didn't offend anyone." Ryan: "Everyone Tivod back and now knows that Katharine wears boxers. But you're all strapped into this week's dress?" She grabs her dress and says yeah, she's good, she feels like she's wearing a trash bag. She was born in LA in 1984. I was 8. Cute kiddie pics. She's singing Phil Collins's "Against All Odds". The first half is awful and "pitchy", dawg. Second half is a little better but still mediocre. And I went back and watched it twice just to make sure. On second watch, the first half is not awful. It's mediocre. 2nd half still mediocre. I hated the arrangement / "spin", as they like to call it on this show, that Kat put on it. The dress when she stands up is good from far away. Close up, it looks like she put a belt over her boobs, a belt around her waist, and a belt around her knees, like she really didn't want to fall out of it this week. I like the color, though (brown). Randy: You look amazing. Key is too low. He's right about the key. Paula: Yes, you're pretty. Randy said something negative, so I can say something negative too. It wasn't my favorite. Simon is confusing: Last week I was wrong about you and apologized. This week the song got away from you. It was by far one of your best performances, but you have 2 songs, so you're a lucky girl. Ryan asks if it's a hard song to sing. Um, no, and Kat doesn't lie. Simon clarifies: If I said it was one of your best, that's not what I meant.

IDOLS 05 AND 10... Not that it matters. Taylor was born in 1976, which is a very good year to have been born. He's not a baby! His kid pics are cute. Blonde, then brunette, then a headlight. He says he's had more hair changes than Ryan Seacrest. He's singing "Play That Funky Music" by Wild Cherry, and lemme just say that it's impossible to not dance to this song. Ok, let's talk about the outfit. Good disco-y shirt going on there. His jeans aren't too tight, or if they are, the shirt covers them up. Good bootsbowling shoes(?), good hair. He's back to Taylor-dancing, but it's not awful wacky, it's good dancing. The singing? It almost seems like his song is too low too. The repeat-back-to-me part is good but too low. The end is good but only because he lays down when he says "die" and starts singing on his back. I'm gonna give the dancing the thumbs up and the singing an eh. Not that great. Randy: You had a good time, it was wild, I felt like I was drinking out of Paula's cup. Paula: Fun and you dressed good and you're authentic Taylor (which is one of the dumbest things she's ever said). Simon: Horrible wedding performance. I wouldn't go with horrible, but it wasn't great. Ryan and Taylor are now lying on the stage together, and Ryan is inching closer to Taylor and reading on his back. Ryan likes Taylor's shirt. Weird.

2ND PERFORMANCE: We're doing the Top 10 from any Billboard chart this week. LOL, I hope someone does "Bad Day". That would be funny, because that person would be going home tomorrow night (because of the gist of the song). For the record, "Inside Your Heaven" is one of the worst and stupidest songs ever written and should never have been a #1 song. "I wanna see the place you cry from," are you kidding me? I wanna see inside your tear ducts? So retarded.

IDOLS 01 AND 06... Elliott is taking on Michael Buble, which is incredibly brave. He's singing "Home". He's wearing a suit and sitting on a stool with a mic stand. He should always wear a black suit with a pinstripe shirt. Pinstripes are perfect on him, I don't know why. Ok, he sounds beautiful on this song, he's doing a great job. Very understated, maybe a little too understated. I definitely would have voted for him at least 4 times last night, though. Elliott is trying to run away from the judges, which is funny. They're laughing and having an emergency brake moment. Randy: Nice choice, baby. Paula: Rich, melting voice. Wanna go out sometime? Simon: Not the smartest lyric in the world. "I wanna go home" is not a good song to sing. It's true, I can't believe I didn't catch it. Don't sing about going home! Simon says not enough wow, which I think means too understated, just like I said. Anyway, Simon's worried about him but he's probably safe this week.

IDOLS 02 AND 07... Paris is singing "Be Without You" by Mary J. Blige. Oh goodness, let's talk about Paris's outfit. Satin grey what. Not gauchos. Shorts? Culottes? Camo shirt. Red belt with a butterfly clasp. Egads, Paris. Anyway, her hair looks great tonight. The song. Boring until the very end where she went high and mighty and got really screechy and a teeny bit offkey. Randy: Risky taking on Mary, that's her vibe. Pitchy here and there, but you did your thing. Paula: You've got it. I loved your voice but wanted your Paris spin on it. Simon: You're wrong, Paula, she did good. SarahK: Meh, I didn't love it. I barely liked it. And I can't get over that horrendous outfit.

IDOLS 03 AND 08... Chris is singing Shinedown's "I Dare You". I haven't heard the song, so I don't know if this is his own spin or not, dawg. It's great. He's a star, I don't care what anyone else says. Randy: Your voice is giving out, I don't love the song. Paula: Song wasn't my favorite, but I love ya. In other words, what Randy said. It's always what Randy said. Simon: Whoopee (about Paula loving him). Sounds like you're losing your voice, so you better watch yourself, but great first song so you'll do fine. Ok, I'ma relisten, because I didn't hear his voice giving out at all. On the relisten, I see that I really can't get over the eyebrows. But the voice is just fine. I don't hear it giving out, I just hear him going higher than his comfort zone, which is something you can hardly ever say for boring, safe Katharine. All I hear is Chris taking a risk and pushing his limits. That's a bad thing? Chris is making excuses. We go all the time, I sang that song a lot today. Eh, just say you did a good job and quit making excuses.

IDOLS 04 AND 09... Kat is doing "Black Horse and the Cherry Tree" by KT Tunstall? Never heard of it. And now I see why. Kat's on the floor, doing the Kellie Pickler Knee Dance. She's barefoot with turquoise toenails to match her top. This is possibly one of the dumbest and most ridiculous AI performances ever. The song sucks. Her singing of it is good, you can tell she spent most of her time practicing this one and little practicing the first song. She gets a little off with the band at times. She's pushing her limits, so I have to give her props. But overall, I can't stop rolling my eyes. Randy: Yo dawg, this show is wild, that's the Katharine I love. Paula: I love the choreography, this was much better. Simon: This is a strange show. Taylor is lying down, you're on your knees. I prefer it to the first song, it was younger, showed more personality. *whatever* Funny, Katharine giggles a lot, but she does the fake smile so much that I can't actually believe she's giggling for real. She's giggling to get votes. I don't like fake people, and her fakeness is sticking out so much more than her performances for me tonight. Except this performance, because it was so dumb. I'm gonna watch it a third time just to make sure. Yeah, I'm rolling my eyes again. It's like this song tries to be the "Hand Jive" and just makes me want to never turn on the radio again. I'll bet it's the one I hum all day today, though, and eventually I'll love the song and want to own it. HOWEVER. Currently, I can't possibly tell you how much I hate this performance. It's that bad. The faces she makes. Blech.

IDOLS 05 AND 10... Taylor is doing "Something" by the Beatles (it's from the Pop Catalog chart, which I guess means that it's top on the oldies stations?). Mmm. There's that beautiful tenor voice. He's wearing a suit, not Cap'n Tightpants. He's making this very soulful, and I love it. No dancing either. This was great. Randy: Great song, nice tender moment, I like the Beatles vibe. Paula: Very daring to sing it, you were tender. Simon: It was clever to get a 30 year-old song into this show. I think with all your campiness, I sometimes forget what a good singer you are. Taylor: Woo! Soul Patrol!

In order overall vocally:
Chris
Elliott
Taylor
Katharine
Paris

I think bottom 2 will be Katharine and Paris. Paris is gone.

I haven't read what other people wrote yet, but here's more AI bloggage from Althouse, Tracey, Hudnall, Dean and the accidentally verbose Jay (darn you telling me what happened on House!).

Mr. F touches base with Bill, and Bill tells Mr. F that Jack's on the flight. Weasel shows up in Mr. F's office (Bill's office) and tells Mr. F that the team is almost at Bill's house to get Chloe. Weasel wants the remote debrief set up in Mr. F's office, but she says no, get out of here, I want my privacy, set up in the situation room, and his wussy little feelings are hurt. Bill tells Mr. F where Jack is, and Mr. F gives Chloe a secure channel to call her on. Bill tells Chloe how to escape and tells her that he'll see her later at CTU, because Mr. F is gonna have him arrested and brought in for show. Chloe looks worried and runs away with a laptop.

Before we go any further, it should be noted that Mr. F is no longer a mentally retarded female and has become totally cool. So I have to drop the Mr. part of the name, and since she's cool like a James Bond character, she gets to just go by her only remaining initial. She is now "F". People will wear t-shirts with her new name on them.

People wearing black arrive to arrest Chloe, and Bill starts undressing. He strips down to his wifebeater and messes up his hair to look like he was sleeping. The team comes in, and Bill says I'm not talking to you. I'm only talking to F, 'cause she's cool, unlike you bonehead losers. And SarahK's like, where's Wayne Palmer? Wasn't Bill babysitting him for Jack? Maybe he's sleeping in Bill's guest room.

The suits find that Chloe must have been there, so they need to question Bill. Weasel wants to question Bill at his house, F is like, No! We do it here so I can run it and derail the whole thing! And Weasel says they're wasting time, and she tells him to shut his weasely face.

Chloe walks into the hotel that Bill directed her to and sets up shop in the hotel bar. Her ethernet cable is attached to her computer, but she doesn't plug the ethernet in. She phones F to tell her where she is and tells F to not let people look for her there. F pulls up Jack's flight manifest and sends to the shared drive so Chloe can access it.

Chloe calls Jack, who's kinda busy in the plane's underbelly. Chloe's crossreferencing the passenger list against Robocop, and Jack's surprised that F is letting Chloe help Jack. Jack wants the air marshall's seat number.

This jerk in the bar is turned down by a woman and calls her a 21st century woman, because he doesn't think that his bald, frumpy physique could be to blame. Maybe it's the white button down shirt. At least go off-white. White see-thru button-down plain low-grade cotton is so "I wear tighty whiteys and don't think there's anything wrong with that." You know, this world would be a better place if all men would check with SarahK before making poor fashion decisions. Anyway, Chloe's giving him the stay away look, and I think he's gonna ignore that.

Jack tucks his JackSack away and heads into the cabin of the plane. He sits next to the air marshall, says he needs to get some sleep, and elbows the guy in the face, which knocks him out. He takes the marshall's badge, because he's sure no one will recognize that he doesn't look anything like that air marshall. Hmm. Gay and foreign-looking v. powerfully hot and apple-pie-American-looking. Yep, you could pass for him, Jack.

Chloe tells Jack that there's a German guy in a certain seat who worked with Robocop. Jack finds him and gets him to come to the galley with him, where he knocks him out and moves him into the baggage compartment.

Marty asks the guard for her meds, and he says no. "What? You think I'm gonna kill myself over that SOB? I just called the President of the United States a SOB. Isn't there a law against that? Or am I immune to laws just like he is?" She tells the guard that he has no personality, then she calls Mike Novick. Good old semi-reliable Mike. She tells Mike that they won't let her have her meds. Mike says she has enough in her system. She says no, I need it now, I don't need counseling, I need a pill. Mike dismisses the agent and closes the door. She starts crying and flashes her diamond, which is really big and really pretty. She says none of this is going away. Mike says wha? Marty says I can't tell you, but I can fumble around here so you know something is really super wrong. Maybe if you guess. Ask me questions. Give me meds. Please pill me.

Halliburton calls Estro to remind him and the viewers just how bad it will be for Jack to get ahold of the recording. Thanks for the update. Mike comes in and tells Estro that his wife is agitated and wants to medicate. Mike says, what's going on? Estro: What did Marty say is going on? Mike: Marty is agitated and needs meds, so if something's up, I should know. Estro says: It's none of your business. Mike: It is if it involves national security. Estro: Ya see... Marty and I figured out today that our marriage is nothing more than a facade, what with me being a flaming homo and all. And we have to stay married for as long as I'm president [which isn't very long, hopefully]. Give her the meds!

Jack tells Germanman that he knows who he is and wants to see his luggage because Robocop gave him something. Germanman says he doesn't know nothing.

Back in the hotel bar, Chloe gets approached by the guy who's not wearing a white button-down. I was wrong. She blows him off, and he tells her that when she comes up for air, he's buying. He should run away. She could kill him with one squint.

The flight attendant figures out that the air marshall has been assaulted and there's a passenger missing. They tell the pilot, and the air marshall comes to and figures out that his gun is missing. He goes looking for Jack. Meanwhile, there's major turbulence going on, because it is physically impossible for an action show or movie to film an airplane scene without there being turbulence to make the fights more interesting. Physically impossible.

Mike shows up with Marty's meds, and she downs some with wine. Mike wants Marty to tell him what's going on, and says that he knows she and Estro are covering something up. She doesn't tell him her husband is a treasonous fool.

Chloe realizes that the Germanman isn't the guy because he was tied up in customs when Robocop was making the handoff. The air marshall, who's now looking extremely Arab and guilty, has the flight attendant tell the pilot that they've cleared the baggage compartment and can depressurize it. "But there's a passenger with the guy! He could die!" Air marshall still wants it done. Guilty! Jack realizes what's going on and calls Chloe to have him patched in to the pilot. Chloe calls F for help, and F calls air traffic control.

Meanwhile, the guy in the bar keeps going after Chloe and tells her he can help her steal bandwidth. Really? Have a seat! He sits, he asks what sweet piece of machine she's working on, she tasers him and says, "CTU Series 4." F patches Chloe and Jack through, and Jack says he's a federal agent and tries to convince the pilot to open the hatch. Pilot says no, Jack tells him that someone on board is a danger to the captain, and the captain says no. Jack calls the pilot an SOB, opens a panel, and pulls on some wires to move the plane from side to side. Captain gives in and tells the flight attendant to open the hatch and let Jack out. Jack grabs his purse, leaves Germanman there, and climbs out. He makes the Guilty Air Marshall get into the baggage compartment and closes the hatch.

Jack walks through the cabin waving the gun and yells at everyone. He gets on the phone with the captain and tells him to keep him in a holding pattern until he finds the national security evidence, and the captain says no, I have to land. Jack's mad.

How many blades can one possibly need in a razor? I use 1 and 2 blade razors. I refuse to go higher.

FAA calls Estro and tells him about the plane being commandeered by Jack. Estro tells Halliburton, who tells him to order the plane down and arrest Jack at the airport.

Bill is brought in to call Weasel a pinkytoe kisser. SarahK laughs. Weasel calls Mike Novick to second-guess F, and he sounds very whiny. Mike says, "Noted. Get off my phone." Meanwhile, F takes the cameras in her questioning room offline so Weasel can't watch. She tells Bill Jack has about 15 minutes. Estro & Mike call, and Estro tells F that the plane is to land, and Secret Service is to take Jack dead or alive. She hangs up on the president.

Bill says they have to buy Jack more time. F says she can't keep the plane in the air.

Novick says Jack's on the right side. Estro says he's backed into a corner right now, and he's hijacked a plane. "Jack's been lying to us all day. He's played us all for fools." Mike isn't buying what Estro's selling.

Chloe's tasered guy wakes up, and Chloe re-tasers him. She finds out that the copilot was replaced at the last minute by someone who worked for Robocop for over a year. Chloe patches Jack through to the pilot where the copilot can't hear. A hero tries to attack Jack from behind but only gets halfway up the aisle before Jack waves his gun around.

Jack tells the pilot that the copilot's bad. Pilot fakes a leg cramp, copilot attacks pilot with a flashlight, and pilot gets door open as he falls. Jack busts in and points gun at copilot. Jack tells copilot he doesn't look like he's willing to die for Robocop, and the copilot hands over the recording. Jack tells Chloe to call CTU and tell them he's in control of the plane and has the evidence.

Estro gets a call from Marty, who sounds like she's swallowed a whole bottle of pills and is crying and saying goodbye-ish. Estro tells her he didn't trust her because she's been wacko for 3 years. He hangs up on her and talks to Halliburton, who tells him that they heard Chloe tell F that Jack's got the plane and the evidence. Halliburton tells Estro he's gonna have to shoot down the plane, or go to jail for treason and murder. Beep boop all that.

Next week, the President orders people to shoot down the plane. Jack tries to get the plane landed first. Novick is confused.

IDOLS 01 and IDOLS 07... Katharine is singing "I Have Nothing" by Whitney Houston, written by David Foster. Katharine looks wonderful in this yellow dress with wow, that's a lot of boobage. Ok, when she walks around in the dress, it's not so good. I changed my mind on the great banana peel she's wearing. The hair and eyeshadow are great. The facial expressions were awful. Aight. Down to vocal business. Sa, I must absolutely disagree with you. She was awful. After such a great performance last week, I was really hopeful she'd kill the competition this week. She didn't. It was screechy, weak, and flat. Bad bad bad. Randy says "nah, dawg". Paula says "you're pretty and I love the boobs". Simon says "red, blue, green, green, yellow"... I mean Simon says you're not Whitney so you shouldn't have tried it.

IDOLS 02 AND IDOLS 08... Elliott is going to sing with a giant satin baby blue tie on. Elliott is singing "A Song For You" by Donny Hathaway. It was awesome, the entire song. That's all I'm saying. Randy hates the arrangement. Paula is crying, her glycerin is above her eyes, under her eyes, and the collagen in her lips has leaked out. Simon is laughing at Paula and really trying to contain himself. I'm in heaven. HEAVEN! Thank you, Paula. Thank you so much! Oh, and Simon liked it.

[I DONT THINK SO] AND [AFTER BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?]... Kellie is singing... this is going to be phenomenal... "Unchained Melody". Lemme tell ya, I snorted this entire song at church camp one year for talent night, and it's never been done as well as my snortage. So I have no hope that Kellie will do a good job. Kellie's wearing her prom hair. She's talking about Ghost and the pottery scene. "Isn't that a cute scene? I don't have anyone to play pottery with." Yeah, that's like one of the most erotic movie scenes ever. Real cute and playful. Wait, has she developed thighs? If so, I might have to start liking her out of solidarity. Kellie. I love you. This is what the Chinese will torture dissenters with in the future. You came through for me, and so did the judges, finally. That poor dead Righteous Brother is turning in his grave. Randy: "Dawg, you know you butchered that right?" Paula: "You're not raising the bar each week. You're pretty." Simon: "It's like the Hindenburg crashed into the Titanic." Ok, actually that was Frank, before Kellie even sang. Simon: "I thought the torture would never end, it was so boring and monotonous and robotic and -- wait! wait! I'm not finished!" LOL, They actually cut him off because he trashed the performance for so long. Frank almost felt sorry for Kellie. Me? No.

IDOLS 04 AND IDOLS 10... Paris, with her 19th hairdo since getting to the voting rounds, is singing "The Way We Were". Her head is bouncing a lot. First half is extremely boring. Second half is terrible, whiny, and screechy, not to mention offkey in a lot of spots. Randy liked it a'ight. Paula thought she oversang. Simon thought it was a good vocal but old-fashioned. Simon not happy about being cut off last time.

So. All the girls were bad tonight. Elliott's the only good one so far tonight. And I reiterate about David Foster. Every week. Please.

IDOLS 05 AND IDOLS 11... Captain Tightpants is back. That's unfortunate. Cap'n Tightpants with the velvet tux jacket. I really wish he'd stop dressing like Elvis. Anyway, Taylor's singing "Just Once" by James Ingram (I think). I still don't think he's ever hit a bad note, maybe in his life. Great vocal, great finish, great night for Taylor. And no crazy dancing, yay! Randy didn't like it but likes the tightpants suit. Paula didn't like it. Simon thought it was hotel lounge singery, and Paula cut Simon off with a big jump up out of her seat and rah rah cheer cheer we love you Taylor, Simon's crazy even though I said I didn't like it either!!! Simon: Again not happy about being cut off, this time by Paula instead of Ryan and the music. Anyway, I think the judges were wrong on this one.

IDOLS 06 AND IDOLS 12... Chris is singing "Have You Really Ever Loved a Woman" by Bryan Adams. David Foster got Chris to lie on the floor to learn to sing with his body and not just his throat. Wow. I don't know what to think about what he's wearing. He's on stage with a guitarist on each side, which is great for effect. This song has always been very Don Juany for me. Very Mexico. That reminds me. I made chicken chimichangas tonight, and they were awesome. My mom loves this song, of course. I've always been iffy on it. So to Chris... Beginning is very good and vulnerable. One low note was "pitchy", but overall great quality... The high notes on "tenderness" and "treat her right" -- he got there, but with his facial expressions, you could tell he wasn't sure he would make it. He made it though. I thought the performance was excellent. Randy: "We love you!" Paula: Jumping out of her seat, sending out seal-claps with a forward motion - what is that? A dolphin clap? "We love you!" Simon: "Good song choice, great performance, very sexy song." Yay! However, I'll bet tomorrow I'll read on a bunch of blogs and boards: "Yeah, it was great, but he did a song that Bryan Adams already did before! He cheated!"

So the men killed and the chicks dogged it tonight. In order of vocals... Ouch, it's a severe tossup between Elliott and Chris for top spot (we voted for both 4 times)... I have to give it to Chris, maybe because it was a little sexier, and maybe just because he was in the final slot. But Elliott was only behind by a hair. Ok, so...

Chris****
Elliott****
Taylor**
Paris
Katharine
Kellie

Prediction: The girls will be the bottom 3. Going home? I think it's finally Kellie's turn. Wait, it's been her turn for-like-ever. It's either her or Paris. Ok, yeah, I'm going with Kellie.

UPDATE: Related thoughts from Tracey, Cullen, Dean, Althouse.

Jack patches Audrey up and tries to call Chloe, who's not at CTU. Daddy calls one of his henchmen, who is dead, and Jack answers the phone and says, "Hey, Pops. Everyone here's dead except me and Audrey, you betrayed me and ruined everything, and Robocop has the recording. Bravo, Dummo."

Daddy tells Jack about Estro's asking for Daddy's resignation and says he's sorry for being stupid.

Jack calls Bill looking for Chloe. He asks Chloe to hack into CTU for satellite feeds, and she warns him they'll find her if she's on for long. Jack copies that, and we have a great Chloe moment. Chloe to Bill: "I'm gonna have to network onto your computer, even though it's kinda pathetic... I hope you don't mind me bossing you around, but technically, I don't work for you anymore."

Chloe has the satellite from a while ago when Robocop left the airport and is tracking where he went. Jack leaves the airport with Audrey in his stolen police car that the police are apparently not looking for.

Estro calls Robocop to see if Jack's dead and wants to know if Robo destroyed the recording. Robo says, "Nah, I don't want you to suicide me like you suicided Walt Cummings, so I'ma hold on to this, keep it secret, keep it safe... And if anything happens to me, the recording will go public. I don't so much trust you." "But you told me to suicide Walt!" "Yeah, and someone else will tell you to suicide me, and you're evil enough to do it." "That recording protects both of us!" "Mostly you, Estro. Anyway, I'm cautious. Don't accident me either." "Dangit!"

Chloe has found Robocop, who's just ahead of Jack. Jack says, "But yo. He left way before me. How'd I catch up with him already?" Chloe doesn't know. Jack copies that. They catch Robocop and have a little shootout where no one gets shot but Robo runs out of bullets. Jack tells Robo that if he moves he's dead, and Robo tells him about his contingency plan. "I'ma kill your girlfriend's Daddy if you kill me. I have to check in every so often, or the people following him in the helicopter will off him." Copy that.

Jack has Robocop cuff himself and calls Chloe to get patched through to Daddy's cellphone. She patches, Jack copies. Chloe patches Daddy's visual onto Jack's PDA, which Jack copies. Daddy confirms there's a chopper on him and notices the laser sight they've pegged him with. Jack requests the recording very nicely from Robocop, who says no. And here I thought he was gonna give in. Daddy tells Jack not to give Robocop up, tell Audrey I love her even though her pretty jacket has been destroyed. To make sure he doesn't screw things up anymore, he drives his car into the lake a la Big Fat Teddy K, except not drunk, and without killing a girl. The chopper leaves him.

Jack has Chloe confirm that Daddy just drove into the lake, and Chloe says yep. Audrey tells Jack to kill Robocop, and I'm in agreement. Instead, Jack just punches him, because you know, they might need him alive sometime in the never.

Back from commercial, Estro's all worried because Robocop's not going to destroy the recording. "Man, I really wanted to kill that loose end! I mean, wrap up that loose end!" Estro calls someone named Raymond? Reese? to tell him to cancel the action against Robocop. This Raymond must be the head of the oil interests. We'll call Raymond: Halliburton. Halliburton tells Estro that they have a worse problem: Marty. Seems she's been talking to Aaron, who knows too much, and they've taken care of Aaron and are going to silence Marty.

Some henchman is telling Marty that Aaron was transferred at 1 a.m., and no, we didn't know anything about a meeting with you. Marty keeps asking people where Aaron is, and they say she'll need to ask her husband. The agents lock Marty in a room with no phone access, and she appears to have lost both her and Aaron's cell phones, because she's panicked.

Jack tells Chloe that Robocop doesn't have the recording and asks if he handed it off. She reviews the old satellite feed and tells Jack there was a handoff, and the car the recording got into went to Van Nuys airport. The airplane is about to take off. Audrey tells Jack they have to do anything they can to get the recording, because the recording killed her Daddy.

Jack asks the question SarahK's been asking all along: WHERE'S RICO SUAVE?? And Bill tells him Rico's at CTU taking orders from DHS, but he's sure they can trust him. He's 25 miles from Jack with a tac team. Jack wants Audrey and Robocop taken to CTU. Audrey wants Jack to go to the airport now so Daddy hasn't died in vain. Right, 'cause Daddy didn't swim out of that car in the fashion of the Big Fat One. Jack gets Robocop's gun and puts in a fresh magazine before handing it to Audrey. He tells her, "Don't talk to Robocop. Even though you're mad at him about your Daddy, and you are, indeed, a woman. Don't talk to him. But if you have to shoot him, you can." "But I'm a girl! Who am I gonna talk to? And I'm injured! A damsel in distress! I must talk!" Jack tells her to stay off her cell.

Jack tells her he doesn't feel right about it, she says she's gonna be fine, Jack hugs her and says he's sorry, they cry and snuggle, and SarahK says, Yay! Audrey's gonna die! That was so goodbye-forever-ish!

Ok, so now Frank and I are trying to decide who's on the plane, and who exactly has that recording. Because you know it has to be someone significant. We both said Neckid Mandy, but then I said... "Unless it's Tony!" and Frank laughed and I reiterated that Tony's not dead. And Robo's supposedly the one who killed him. Riiiiight.

Weaselgoon tells Mr. F that Bierko's going to be interrogated because he just woke up. He tells Mr. F to tell Estro that the transfer from CTU to DHS is officially complete, two hours ahead of schedule. Mr. F is wondering about Bauer, because she thinks they should have heard something by now. BTW, I'm starting to like Mr. F. She's seeming a little less Mr.

The new blonde chick, whose hair is now red, calls to tell Mr. F that Chloe's gone. Wow, that's some good operations-running there, if she escaped over 20 minutes ago and they're just now figuring it out. They wonder why Unstable Girl didn't stop her, because she had a conversation with Chloe and let her go. Mr. F says that Chloe has to be their focus. Unstable is removed from her chair. Weaselgoon and Mr. F decide that Chloe is probably hacking in to help Bauer. Weasel can track her location.

Mr. F asks Unstable Girl why she let Chloe out. Unstable tells that Chloe threatened her with psych evaluation. Unstable says Chloe thinks Jack is innocent and Estro is involved in the Palmer assassination and is framing Bauer. Mr. F doesn't look surprised, more like uneasy and kinda thinkin' it's true.

Marty is freaking out and yelling to be let out. Estro comes in, and she tells him to arrest the agent outside. And she wants to know where Aaron is. Estro says Aaron is fine and was transferred back to Washington. Maybe Aaron's in the airplane... nah, he's too not evil. Estro tells Marty that he would have told her sooner, but he thought she was fragile. But really, he just kept the secret because it's horrible. He tells her that Palmer's death wasn't supposed to happen, Estro didn't authorize that. That he knows who killed David, because he works for Estro. She freaks out about him being involved in David's murder. Estro tells her to stop asking questions in order to save the country. She spits, "Yes, it's the country that we're worried about." She is spitting at him a lot, and Estro tells her to shut up and swear she'll shut up for the sake of the country. He's very threatening with his recently acquired nads.

She tells him she's forgiven him lots, but not this, because he's broken her heart. She tells him, "Looking at you... I hate you... but I'll shut up because the people in this country don't deserve to suffer. You do." Give that woman an Emmy, would you? Marty walks out.

The sound is off on tonight's episode, btw. Probably because Marty's the only one not whispering. The sound is so low that all the commercials are way too loud, even the HD ones. I hate that. It happens during Celebrity Poker on Bravo too.

The side hog commercial from KFC? Didn't they invent the double mashed potatoes thing years ago? Oh, and the Toyota yaris commercials are retarded. Completely retarded.

The Halliburton council is talking about whether this is gonna all work out. The boss, who's been bossing Estro around, is talking about how strong they were 18 months ago when they started all this. Funny, that's how long it's been since Jack went dead. This boss guy looks like Ron Howard. I would call him the Narrator, but I think it'll be easier to remember to call him Halliburton in the future. Halliburton's praising Estro's good job today and trusting that he'll keep Marty in line.

Robo wakes up and asks Audrey where Jack is. He apologizes about Daddy and says Daddy's honorable. Robo is going on about how Audrey should call and find out whether her dad survived. "Your daddy's drowning, and you're not doing anything." She gets all Chloe on him and gets right up on him with the gun (which is stupid, because he could totally headbutt her). Anyway, she threatens him to not speak another word, and wow, get that girl a blood transfusion, she is quite pale.

Chloe says Robo's chopper guys are on the way to kill Audrey. Audrey wants to kill Robo but doesn't because Jack seems to copy that they need him alive. I say shoot him. She runs off at Jack's urging. Robo tells his guy that she's in the building. Audrey's walking, and someone grabs her from behind. IT'S RICO SUAVE!! There's a shootout, and Rico's guys win. They take Robo in to custody. Yay for Rico Suave!!

Audrey calls Jack and tells him they won. Jack tells Curtis to take Audrey and Robocop into custody. Chloe and Bill are looking for a passenger list to see who is on the plane with the recording. Jack takes out his spy monacle and looks at the plane. He copies nothing and jumps onto the gas tanker to ride over to the plane with his purse around his shoulder. Seriously, he should wear parachute pants so he can dump the purse. Ok, so it's a knapsack, but still. Unless he has paperclips, socks, rubberbands, and a match, it's not MacGuyver-ready, so what good is it.

Unless it's carrying lots of guns and/or ammo. Then I totally approve.

Bill calls Jack to tell him that the plane will take off in less than 10 minutes, and there's 7 minutes left in the show. Chloe still hasn't gotten through state department's firewall.

Interesting. Weasel's able to trace Chloe to Bill's house, which means he's decently competent. A competent weasel! Mr. F calls Mike Novick and asks for clarification on why the switch from the Veep being the boss to Estro being the boss. Mike tells Mr. F that he's not in the loop, because there is no loop, because Estro's keeping to himself and not sharing anything. Mike tells Mr. F that it's been a strange night.

Mr. F types on her computer, then calls Bill and Chloe and tells Bill to get Chloe out of his house now. She believes Estro's bad. Chloe refuses to leave until she's gotten Jack all the help he needs.

Jack watches the plane and takes some baggage to carry to the plane. It looked to me like Neckid Mandy was walking up the stairs into the plane. A diplomat car with dual British flags is driving away after dropping some people off at the plane. Hmm. Jack puts on his magic hood and heads into the cargo belly of the plane and stays there. The cargo door shuts. Beep boop, all that.

Next week. Mike asks Estro if there's something he should know. Mr. F tells Bill, yet again, to get Chloe out of his house now. Jack goes looking on the plane for the recording. Mike asks Marty what's up, and she says, "I can't say, but I'm a girl, so I'll bet if you keep asking, I'll be able to say later!" Chloe tells Jack which passenger he's looking for, but I'm betting it's a decoy, and we're gonna see someone we know on the plane. Jack takes out the air marshal and grabs the guy he thinks he's looking for. The guy says he doesn't know what Jack's talking about. Jack points a gun at the whole plane and tells them to sit down and not get hurt. Copy that.

Next week is love songs. With Andrea Bocelli coaching.

Kellie, Elliott, and Kat are together on one side. Chris, Ace, Paris are together on the other side. Taylor's safe and supposed to join the safe group. I think Kellie, Kathryn, and Elliott are safe. The bottom 3 are Ace, Chris, Paris.

And that's the way it is, Taylor has shaken Chris's hand but joined the top group of Kellie, Kathryn, and Elliott. This show is such a joke. Kellie, after that horrendous performance, is still here, while Mandisa was gone after 1 mediocre night.

Chris and Ace are the bottom 2, and Paris is safe. If Chris goes home, I'm done. It should absolutely be Ace.

Whew, Ace is going home. I was scared, y'all. After Mandisa went home, I lost all faith in voters other than me.

So what does Chris being in the bottom 2 tell us? Chris is a rocker, and if he wins and y'all make him record a pop album, no one's gonna buy it. So there's really no point in him ever breaking away from rock again. Y'all can all shut up about him being a one-trick pony. He showed another great trick to himself, and people didn't vote.

Tomorrow I'll pick the love songs everyone should sing. Starting with Chris singing "I Hate Everything About You".

Oh wow, look at that cute baby that Rod Stewart fathered! Wow, what a precious baby!

Uh oh. They're putting Chris in the dreaded #1 spot.

IDOLS 01... Chris is breaking away from rock and doing "What a Wonderful World". *sigh* That was the last dance at our wedding reception, so it's going to be hard to beat this even before he opens his mouth. He's singing absolutely beautifully. Simon's going to say he hated it, because Chris should have stuck with rock. Watch and see. Wow, that was lovely, he's renewing my faith in the show, I'm most definitely voting for him. WHOA! SIMON IS CLAPPING FOR CHRIS! Ok, I'm eating my words here. Thank goodness, Chris got rid of the eyeliner, and Ryan noticed. Ryan, I appreciate that you read my stuff. I'll stop making gay jokes about you (you know I meant those in good fun, right? My good fun, if not ours). BTW, Chris, if you're coloring in your eyebrows, please stop. Loved the outfit, even the tuxish vest with the rock pants and wallet chain.

IDOLS 02... Paris is singing "These Foolish Things". This is a good song for her. She's dressed very grown-up tonight, and I'm so happy she's not wearing pleather. A'ight, that was out of tune in a few spots. It was ok but boring, and at the end I thought she was going to bring it home and make me love it, but the whole song was a little too demure. I know standards are practically demure by definition, but that wasn't a stage performance. Randy says it was perfectly on pitch, but I don't think he'll say that when he watches it back. Paula loved it, Simon loved it. We were kinda "eh" on it, even Frank, and he almost always loves Paris.

IDOLS 03... Taylor is singing "You Send Me". Rod Stewart just said grab the audience by the balls, and AI bleeped him. Taylor is reminding me of Elvis more every week, and that is not a good thing in my book. Ok, the first half was Elvisy, but the second half was fantastic.

Before the break, Ryan mentions that up next we have two people who look like a prom date standing there. Pan over to Elliott and Kellie. Yeah, Ryan, that dress has way too much cloth to be Kellie's prom dress.

IDOLS 04... Elliott is doing "It Had to Be You", which is the song Frank and I walked out of the chapel to after the ceremony. Kris did such a great job on piano. Elliott looks good in jeans and tux jacket. There was one pitchy phrase, but I really liked it. It was a great song for him, he should do standards all the time. Paula's right, he did actually remind me of Harry Connick Jr., so much that I kept waiting for him to bust out like Harry Connick on the "Some others I've seen might never be mean..." part.

[STILL WAITING FOR MONKEYS TO FLY OUT OF WAYNE CAMPBELL'S BUTT]... Kellie is doing "Bewitched, ButcheredBothered, and Bewildered". Rod keeps mentioning her personality and not her vocals. "Well, you took a load off my chest." ROFL, she's wearing a saLmon-colored dress. The first half was actually very good, and I was all ready to give her props. Then she sang the second half, and it was as horrible as Paula's seal-clap after happy hour. Even Kellie says she butchered it, and hey, at least she told the truth. LOL, Paula just said she can't wait for Kellie's acting career to start. That makes me laugh. Anyway, Simon says it was just bewildered and that it wasn't great. Paula, of course, just says Kellie looks great, which means the vocals were bad. Honestly, it was only the second half that was bad. When she went up into that nasal twang near the end, I shrieked in pain.

ROFLMPTO!! Kevin sent me the following graphic, and I got the email before Kellie performed but just now opened it.

IDOLS 06... Ace borrowed a suit from Ryan and slicked his hair back and put it in... IS THAT A BUN IN HIS HAIR? I CAN'T EVEN LISTEN TO HIS SINGING TO TELL Y'ALL IF IT SUCKS, BECAUSE HE LOOKS LIKE AN AU PAIR WITH THAT BUN. He may officially be replacing Kellie as my AI muse. Anyway, we're rewinding to hear it, because I wasn't listening the first time. He's singing "That's All". Don't you know you can't sing an ironically-titled song on AI, or you'll always get the boot? Ouch, there's some nose-singing. And there's the falsetto, but I actually think it's good here and not overdone. There are Paula and Randy saying that his falsetto is his money. I disagree, but I can't complain about it tonight.

IDOLS 07... Katharine is singing "Someone to Watch Over Me", which is a perfect song for her. I just hope she doesn't go boring with it. She's born to sing standards, so this should be good. Is she wearing Paris's earrings? She looks pretty good. Her voice is so well-trained. She added some flair, didn't go safe and boring, I'm happy. This was beautiful. High praise from the judges, too. Finally.

I'd like everyone to note: Kellie is the only one that all three judges went negative on. Here's the thing about standards: vocals are always very exposed when you sing a standard. So if you can't carry a tune in a bucket, it will show. They should have standards night every year to weed out the awfuls.

And I'll say: tonight was so much better than the previous few weeks. Maybe there's hope yet.

So, the order, vocally, tonight...

Katharine**
Chris**
Taylor**
Elliott**
Ace
Paris
Kellie

So the bottom 3 will be Elliott, Paris, Kellie (I know I'm hoping against hope here, but come onnnnn.). I actually think Ace will be safe this week, and Elliott will be in the bottom 3 even though he shouldn't be. Paris was forgettable. Kellie started good then got awful, and even the judges couldn't praise it. Kellie should go but will probably stick around another week or two. Who goes home? This is a hard one, because Ace wasn't bad. I'm gonna say Paris goes.

It's midnight, and the news is reporting that Estro wants martial law to remain in effect even though the terrorist threat is over. You know, so he can more easily follow Jack Bauer's stolen police car, the only car on the road.

Robo assures Estro that they'll get the recording from Bauer before he can get it to the right people. Estro tells Mr. F to let him be the first to know if Jack is in custody. Mr. F says they're looking for Bauer and Robocop, and he tells her to put Jack first.

SexMan wants to go after Chloe, since Audrey ditched the trackers.

Jack and Wayne meet up with Bill in a secret, safe place. Jack asks Bill to babysit Wayne, and Bill nonchalantly asks where they're meeting the SecDef. Jack tells him, because he doesn't think that's TMI for Bill, which makes me instantly suspect him.

Audrey goes to meet daddy at his plane, and now I remember the preview we saw the other night, where Audrey's held at gunpoint for info. I hope she gets offed! Before they can get started talking, Jack shows up in the police car, and Daddy gets hot under the collar. Jack and Audrey explain that Estro's setting Jack up and Daddy the only copy of the recording, because he's not a politician or anything.

Daddy says he's not surprised about Estro, because he was terrified when Estro took office (like we would have been if we'd gotten Algore). Audrey and Jack kiss. Audrey says, "Jack, I'm going with Daddy. This is going to be ok, I promise, and then we can talk about our relationship over chamomile tea at Chloe's house!" Daddy says "one more thing" and punches Jack in the throat, because he forgot about that day 18 months ago when Jack walked into a terrorist camp (with Marines, of course) and saved him from a beheadin'. Audrey says wah, don't do that. Daddy says Jack can't go to the Attorney General with the info because he'll destroy the office of the Presidency.

Daddy plans to not tell anyone (smart guy, let's keep it to ourselves and no one will know when we die in a tragic accident!) but is gonna go see Estro about it. I'm sure that if Daddy the pit bull glances one time at Estro, Estro will collapse in a heap of tears and feminine hormones, but what if Robocop's there with Estro?

BTW, Jack told Daddy that he trusts the source of the recording. You know, Evelyn, that girl I met tonight. She and I go way back a couple of episodes, so I'm sure of it.

Chloe asks the new blonde chick what's up with the meeting in the situation room. That sensitive girl (I forgot what I named her) is setting Chloe up to find Audrey and Jack for Mr. F. Chloe starts ringing Audrey, and Mr. F and her goon trace the call (Audrey never picks up) to Van Nuys airport. The tac team starts leaving and Chloe realizes she was set up and reams the sensitive girl for it, calling Miles the Weasel an idiot in the process. Chloe is arrested.

And WHERE IS RICO SUAVE???

Mr. F tells Estro they have Jack's location, and he insists that F leave Jack for them to deal with. She calls Mike Novick, who's "been on other things" for several episodes. I think that means he had the runs and just couldn't get out of the bathroom.

Audrey and Jack are tied up together, because Daddy sucks with a capital ucks.

Mike checks out his Sprint phone and goes to see the Veep. He asks why CTU would have been pulled off the Jack Bauer acquisition. Mike is very unsure, and the Veep gives Estro the benefit of the doubt. Mike calls General Warren, who is on his way to pick up Jack Bauer. Scratch that. He tells Mike he has no idea what he's talking about.

Mike confronts Estro as to why he took Mr. F's people off the case. Mike also questions why the military doesn't know about the military operation to bring in Bauer. Estro tells Mike he doesn't answer to Mike and says that Mr. F shouldn't be undermining him. Mike keeps questioning, and Estro says a covert team is on the case, you know, so the Chinese government doesn't find out about Jack and think the president hoodwinked them.

Chloe and Miles the Weasel (who will be hereforth known as Weaselgoon) argue in the holding room. Chloe goes and grabs him by the shoulder as he's walking out and swipes his keycard. He says, "Don't touch me! I don't like being touched by women!" Chloe says he's not as big a jerk as he pretends to be and tells him that Jack's innocent. He huffs and runs away. "A woman touched me!" So after he leaves, Chloe uses his keycard (it's all about the keycards!) to get out of the holding room, swipes a computer from the holding foyer, and leaves through another door while the guard is distracted. Sensogirl catches Chloe, and Chloe says, "Jack's innocent, but I can't say why." Sensogirl says explain yourself, and Chloe says Estro's the one who killed Palmer. Sensogirl's like, "Uh uh, I'm reporting you," and Chloe's like, "Yeah, well that sexual harassment thing against Weaselgoon was made up, and you're sick, and if they find out Jack's innocent and let me go, I'm gonna recommend you for psycho counseling, and you won't like it!" so Sensogirl backs off and Chloe, in Chloe fashion, stomps off.

Marty goes to see Estro. "Are you coming to bed soon? I mean, you haven't been to bed with me, or any woman for that matter, in years, and I was just thinking you should come to bed." Estro blows her off and gets a call from Daddy the pit bull. Daddy requests a meeting with Estro tonight. "I don't like your tone, Daddy. Remember who you're talking to." "Yeah, I know who I'm talking to, and you're a girl, and you know what this is about."

Estro waits for Marty to leave and calls Robocop. Where are you? Daddy's coming, and I'm scared! Where are we with Bauer?

There's a helicopter.

Is it me, or has Estro gotten a tan in the last 17 or so hours?

Marty asks Aaron what Daddy's doing here, and Aaron says he can't say. His forehead isn't burned anymore. That L.A. plastic surgery is awesome. Aaron wants to meet Marty behind the stables. That will be awful when they're discovered and people assume they're having an affair. BTW, Marty played Aaron like a flute in that scene. I thought she was gonna kiss him.

Best scene of the whole show: Daddy confronts Estro. I know you did all this, I know you're complicit in Palmer's death, I know you're setting Jack up. Estro asks what Daddy wants. "Daddy wants you to drop the charge against Bauer. Leave my daughter alone. Oh yeah, and resign by the time the morning news cycles. Tell everyone you're too stressed. Go get the Veep, I wanna be here when you hand him your resignation letter." Estro's like, "Wha?"

But I'm sure Daddy's little girl is gonna ruin everything.

Chloe shows up at Bill's, and something is wrong with Bill. I don't trust him, and if he kills Chloe, I'm done. Out on the show.

Speaking of out on the show, Marty's at the stables and calls Aaron. His cell phone is on the ground, and she's being watched by an unseen watcher person. If Aaron's dead, I'm out.

Jack gets himself and Audrey free and tells Whiny to secure some guy he knocks out.

Jack corners Daddy's henchman and gets the recording just in time for Robo's guys to show up. Henchy gets dead, and Jack blows up a gas tank (he really should learn to shoot with both eyes open so he has full peripheral vision).

UPDATE: Reader Philip at mm pointed out the Bluth family staircar on the tarmac. I just went back and watched, and it's such a beautiful gratuitous shot! They show Robo's men shooting, then they show the plane Jack's hiding behind, then pan over to a quick shot of the staircar. Oh how I miss that show. And yay 24!

Robo has Audrey. Jack promises to give up the recording if he lets Audrey go. He cuts her artery in her arm and sends her out to meet Jack. He sees her bleeding (and this is very Redrum-All-Work-No-Play-Makes-Jack-a-Dull-Boy to me - Audrey in her white jacket, blood falling to the ground from one hand, small steps...). Audrey has to ruin everything just by being alive, but no, Jack won't let her die. He's anxious for that relationship talk. So he tosses out the recording, and Robo starts shooting. He doesn't hit anything, because terrorists just shoot crazy and never hit anything. Jack gets distracted by Audrey's dying, so he lets Robo get away so he can tie up Audrey's wound.

Back in Estro's office, the Veep has arrived, and Daddy is standing by wagging his pit bull tail. Estro gets the call that Robo's got the recording, and as soon as Robo has a ride, he'll bring it to Estro. Estro hangs up and tells the Veep that Daddy was just about to resign. Daddy says no, Estro orchestrated the David Palmer assassination. He's led out by security.

So Audrey's bleeding but ok. Something has happened to Aaron. Mr. F doesn't have a clue about anything, Weaselgoon is even cluelesser. Robo is breaking into a car, Daddy is out of the cabinet for now, and Chloe's hanging out with Bill.

Next week: Jack tells Daddy that Daddy betrayed Jack. Jack catches up with Robocop, Audrey tells Jack to do what he has to do (ok, thanks for permission). There's a helicopter with a red laser trained on Daddy, who's drivin' down the road tryin' to loosen his load. Audrey whines when Jack and Robo fight. Bill tells Chloe to go now, Mr. F says stuff doesn't make sense, there's a bigger problem from another new redshirt. Marty throws a fit at Estro, so Aaron must be dead, and if he is, lemme repeat: I'm out. Audrey gets even more pasty-faced than ever, what with all that blood loss, and she pulls a Chloe and gets really angry with a gun and a Robocop. The pres decides to silence Marty.

Oh no. They're doing a group song. Ok, are they all singing the same medley together? Because to me they appear to all be on different medleys... Ok, Bucky should've sang Under Pressure last night. This montage medley is killing me, I just can't wait for it to be over.

Ford commercial. No comment. Goodness, I'm sooooo tired today.

The messages from the parents... I liked the McParents, they were cute and funny, I see where Kat gets her McHumor. And wow, Kellie has a brother? Oh nooooo, he's soooo cute, and he's cute for real. Doggone.

Chris is wearing too much eyeliner again. Egads, he really for reals needs to fire that stylist.

Taylor, Katharine, Chris are safe. Kellie's next in the row, so I'm not hopeful. Looks like my bottom 3 prediction could be right.

Kellie's grampa seems nice. Where did he go wrong. Anyway, she's safe. This season sucks hard. The bit with Ryan, Kellie, and the handkerchief was as staged as Kellie's naivete. If I misspelled that, I'm tired.

The bit with Elliott's mom made me cry. I want him to win it all now. Elliott's in the bottom 3. He sings again. He's got such a great voice, I'm baffled by him being in the bottom 3. Really I am. I know a lot of people just don't get him (he's never impressed Frank much).

Ace's family seems really fun. He's singing again, because he's in the bottom 3 again. Mike Modano's Mama, this is even worse than last night. Apparently hockey's on the brain.

Bucky's brought new life to his town. Almost cried at that one too. I just hope it's Paris in the bottom 3.

And the bottom 3 are Elliott, Bucky, Ace. Who knows. Mandisa went last week, so maybe it'll be Elliott, the best guy voice. It should be Ace, hands down. Simon predicts Ace. Elliott's teeny up there between Elliott and Ace.

And Bucky is going home, so we have another week of the blasted falsetto.

Even if I tried, I don't think I could keep myself from dancing to "Bad Day". I love it so much, it's the only thing they're doing right with this season. But I will say... AN HOUR LONG SHOW AND WE STILL ONLY GET 1 VERSE OF THE BYE-BYE SONG? That's so wrong.

I'm so bored that I couldn't even yell at the idiot when she started in. But man, should tell her the the entire hour is not about her.

Why can't I stop watching? I guess I just keep hoping something good or something really egregious will happen (other than Kellie Pickler even being in the top 12), or someone will bust out and give *the* performance. Kellie will eat capers on her salad and think they're fish eyes, then she'll fall off her stilettos, Captain Tightpants's pants will split and reveal that he wears tighty whiteys (y'all know it's true, with pants that tight, there's no way Taylor wears boxers), Paris will trip on her weave, Katharine will sing something without putting a Broadway twist on it, or she'll *not* make a self-effacing comment. Chris will sing an 'NSYNC song and sound like a popstar (Simon will hate it). Elliott will wear a hat or sing without soul in his voice, and Simon will say it was his best performance ever, and I'll hate it. I'll stop wondering what Ace is doing in the audience when they show his older brother, and Ace will *not* butcher a song.

Maybe that's why I'm still watching. But I won't last much longer.
Katharine
Paris
Kellie
Chris
Taylor
Elliott
Ace

What an average lineup.

IDOLS 01... Bucky - "Fat Bottomed Girls". You know, Bucky has such a nice personality. I hope he stays and Kellie goes. I know, y'all are shocked. He's singing well, I'm happy with this. Especially since he's singing about girls with big butts. He should work on his enunciation again, but I hate to sound like Paula, so let's just forget it. His stage presence is good, he doesn't seem like a phony, he's got good style. I think the sound was bad, I don't think he was singing quiet, but they should turn up his mic. Or maybe I just want to like Bucky because he's nice. And because Mary Katharine loves him so.

REWATCH: I really like his rasp. And I enjoyed this a lot. Maybe he's just picking it up. What? He's married? I guess I didn't remember that.

IDOLS 02... Ace - "We Will Rock You". Everyone is loving on Freddy Mercury tonight. Especially Ace and Ryan. Queen: "I don't think we're gonna play your arrangement." They've gotta be dying thinking Ace is gonna butcher their song with a hi-hat. Oh my pain. Aaaaaaand there's the falsetto. I'll say this: The first phrase of every verse was good. After that: Major Suck. Wow. I told Frank that if Ace did falsetto anywhere in this song, I was sending him anthrax in the mail. Start ironing your mail, Ace! Um... if you get anthrax in the mail, it's not me, ok? I promise. Just alright for Randy. Paula: You bastardized it, but hey, way to go taking a risk. That was brave. Simon: Complete and utter mess. Maybe Simon is off Paula's drink now? We'll see after Kellie. Randy: Simon's right, I was trying to be kind. Ryan: Ace, did Queen make you uncomfortable? Ace: No, Ryan, you're cool.

REWATCH: I just LOVE his interaction with Queen! They just cringed at what he wanted to do. LOVE IT! Ok yeah, sucked the 2nd time too. I didn't even notice the microphone carry the first time. That makes it even funnier.

[DID HELL FREEZE OVER? DIDN'T THINK SO]... Kellie - "Bohemian Rhapsody" - I'm SHAKING WITH EXCITEMENT! SUCK, KELLIE, SUCK GOOD! Ok, first off, Queen is like, "That's a brave idiot there. We love her! Rah rah!"

Wow. I just couldn't even write during that. I couldn't have hoped for more from this train wreck. BEST. SUCK. EVER! From the moment she arrived on stage looking like Elvira meets Billy Idol, Frank and I were laughing our butts off. Ok, Hellie, lemme just tell you... Mary Kay has some great moisturizers, including this green eye gel that works on the bags under the eyes. It works, believe me, I have it. And if you're gonna go for the naughty leather minx look, you should just go all out and get the leather jeans too. And what's with the wig? She has pretty hair, but if that's her real hair, it has become roadkill.

I couldn't have laughed harder at this performance, so it couldn't have been worse, nor better. I almost want to vote for her for delivering soooooo like UPS: horribly damaged, as expected. LOL, the dog just got so annoyed that she left us, walked to the tile floor, grunted, and lay down facing away from us. Anyway. Wow, um, just wow. I can't even... I'm like bowing at the TV set declaring my undying love for Kellie for coming through for me in the biggest way possible. Let's see what the judges say... OKAY, I SWEAR TO YOU, ALL THREE JUDGES ARE SLEEPING WITH HER! I thought it was just Simon, but this has changed my mind, it's all of them. It is crowded in Kellie's bed. Poor Katharine.

REWATCH: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! THANK YOU KELLIE!!!! THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!! THE HAIR GRAB WAS JUST ICING ON A HORRIBLY PERFECT CAKE! Oh, the stilletto boots. Perfectly Single White Trash Female. And I sooooooooooooooooo love that fantastically virgin knee-squat. Beautiful. *Sniff* Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

IDOLS 04... Chris is doing "Innuendo". They've never done it live. Queen loves him. Chris is the only one they've actually complimented for real. Ok, and we see the view from the top of Chris's head. Chris is wearing way more eyeliner than he's ever worn, and that's making me really uncomfortable. He's even got his brows penciled dark, and I'm scared. Stop it, Chris, stop it. No wait, I don't mean the singing, I mean the makeup. Stop the madness. Chris's wife is in the audience, and I think that's the first time we've seen her since the audition. Yeah, I'm voting for him, not the song. Simon just has a stick up his butt about Chris, and will as long as he does better than Simon's first love (Kellie, not Ryan).

REWATCH: It was still great, I'm still disturbed by the eyebrows and eyeliner. Woo. I missed that high note at the end. Bravo. Bravo.

IDOLS 05... Katharine is singing "Who Wants to Live Forever", which is not the song she rehearsed with the band. She's got that whole backlit thing going on like Bo had when he did the a capella song. Ok, I've gotta give Katharine the props. She finally took risks and held notes for longer than half a second like I knew she could. And with Mandisa gone, Katharine is vocally the best female left (hands down). Wow, are there only 3 girls left? Katharine, Paris, Kellie... well, 3 unless you count Ace. She doesn't look completely retarded, and I actually only have 1 wardrobe critique for her: I would have worn the belt down on the hips. Red is good, though. This was the best Katharine's been in a long time. If she keeps this up, I'll catch the McPheever.

REWATCH: A little pitchy at times, but I'm just so happy she finally stopped being safe. She tends to screech the long notes, but I'm still on board tonight. Let's just hope she keeps this up and doesn't revert to boring. Yay!

IDOLS 06... Dangit, I just voted for Elliott meaning to vote for Katharine. I hope Elliott's not boring tonight, or I just gave him a free vote. (It's great watching it Tivo'd because I can vote as soon as they're done singing.) Anyway, I voted for Katharine for reals this time. Ok, here's Elliott. My third favorite Jooo. Oh darn, I'm gonna get called a racist for mentioning the J-word. No wait, 4th favorite (Jesus, Lair, Roger, then Elliott). He's wearing brown, ok, I'm happy with my vote. "Somebody to Love". ELLIOTT! DID YOU AND CHRIS GO TO THE BEAUTY SHOP TOGETHER???? TOO MUCH MAKEUP!!!! Anyway, EASILY the best performance of the night. Oh, thank you, Elliott! Wow, I was hoping for not boring, and he was fantastic. Seems incredibly hard to sing, and he was outstanding. I'm so happy! I've been waiting for him to not be boring, and he came through! Yay!

REWATCH: LOL at the makeup. WHAT IS UP WITH THAT? The singing? Great the 2nd time around too. Still the best of the night, by far. Kudos.

IDOLS 07... Taylor. "Crazy Little Thing Called Love". Ok, the first 2/3 of the song, I was ready to drop him, thinking what a freaking disappointment he's become. The last 1/3, though, hooked me. That was perfect Taylor, and I'm back on the bandwagon. I must say... the thing where he tried to kick over the microphone and failed? High-Larious. The 2nd kick to make it go over played well. Taylor's a good recoverer. Anyway, by the end, I'm happy and remembering why Taylor was one of my favorites.

REWATCH: He's wearing the right clothes tonight. And again, I only like the last third, but it's enough to get the vote. Paula has her only good line all season: "I don't know whether we should give you a record deal or a straight jacket." Simon asks if Taylor is drunk, and after Kellie, I could ask Simon the same thing.

IDOLS 08... Paris. *Sigh* Just hearing Paris's name, I miss Mandisa. BTW, Ryan's funny in slo-mo. He Rarrs like Chomps. But he's not like Kellie retarded in slo-mo. Because wow, freeze-frame Kellie is the bomb, baby! "The Show Must Go On". Queen loves her. A'ight. When you have pudge and teeny fat rolls, you DO NOT GO ON STAGE IN TIGHT SPANDEX OVER YOUR TUMMY! BAD BAD BAD! I HAVE FAT! I DON'T WEAR SPANDEX! Anyway, the song. For some reason, she's reminding me of 'NSYNC. I don't know why, because I LOVE them, and she hasn't done anything for me since early early on. Blah. I thought it was forgettable, other than the clothing. Frank liked it, but he likes her and not Katharine.

REWATCH: :-( Hubby just went to bed without me so I can rewatch. I'm sad, because we always go to bed together. I did tell him that per my new schedule, we go to bed at 11 on Tuesdays, but he didn't listen. Wah. Oh yeah, Paris. Yawn. Queen loves her. Lemme be objective and not bitter due to her being here while Mandisa is at home eating bon bons like me. Ok, honestly, she's good except for when she does the "yeah, hey hey" bit. Then I'm out, because that's a very Joey Fatone bit, and I've seen it in Dallas and El Paso before 'NSYNC disbanded, so now I'm bored. She can sing the big long notes, I will give her that. Whew, look at that diamond on my finger. What were we talking about?

In order of vocals (*s get one vote, **s get two votes):

Elliott**
Katharine** (both me - she's never done anything for Frank, and I don't get that. I think just because she stopped being safe, I'm going to vote twice for her anyway.)
Chris**
Taylor**
Bucky**
Paris* (Frank. I'm just over her. He still thinks she's great. I can't wait for her to be gone.)
Ace (yeah right)
Kellie (thank you so much, mwah!)

Oh yeah. Predictions. Bottom 3: Bucky, Ace, Paris. Ace is gone.

i'd heard that Kellie Pickler was singing "Bohemian Rhapsody", but i couldn't believe it. USA Today has it, though, so maybe i'll believe it. (thanks to reader Leland for the link!)

but let me go on. please, let me go on! this is so fantastic i can't bear it. last week i thought i was getting close to done with this snoozer of a season, but if they're going to suck this big every week, how can i lay off? the snark will be dying to escape my pretty little brain! ok, so here's the scooby:

Ace - "We Will Rock You". with an R&B soul spin! Weeeeeee wi-hi-hi-hiiiiiillllll, weeee wi-hi-heeeee!-hi-lilly-i-hi-hill ro-ho-hawwwwawawawoak ye-hoo-e-ooo. it's going to be a disaster, and he's going to bring that hideous falsetto, i just know it! if he sucks as hard as i know he can, he'll be going bye-bye. come on, Ace, do it for me and your permanent scar!

Bucky - "Fat Bottomed Girls". now Bucky, you can't expect me to go easy on you just because you're going to sing about me!

Chris - "Innuendo". never heard of it. i think it's funny that Chris notes it's never been performed live by Queen.

Elliott - "Somebody to Love". He says there's soul in it. i hope that doesn't translate to bring on the yawns.

Katharine - "Who Wants to Live Forever". she probably won't take any risks and will be wearing something retarded. period.

Paris - "The Show Must Go On". without her hairflicking, preferably. she says it's her kind of song but still a bit rocky. bubble gum rock. sounds groovy.

Taylor - "Crazy Little Thing Called Love". boring and safe? it's been a pattern of late...

Kellie Pickler, my all-time favorite train wreck. i cannot wait for 8:00. "Bohemian Rhapsody". God loves me. she says it's hard to memorize since she only has a minute and thirty seconds of it. that'll be so great, her forgetting the lyrics while hitting a bad note. "Mama, just la-la-la" out of tune will be fabulous! the best, though, will be if she sings this part: "I see a little silhouetta of a man..." - I would die from my sides splitting open. Galileo!

Kellie, thank you. i haven't seen it yet, but i know it's going to be so much worse than i can imagine. i'm so happy i could fly.

Jack's talking to Audrey and tells her that Palmer's dead because Estro is bad. Audrey says "No way!" Jack says, "Way! We're gonna have to call your dad once we get the recording of Estro talking to Robocop, like, okay?" Audrey says, "If we can talk about our relationship later, you've got a deal."

Jack and Evelyn are in a hotel room, Wayne and the kid are waiting outside. Rico Suave still not in the show, and that makes me sad. Jack rips off Evelyn's clothes (to look at her gunshot wound), and they let the kid in to see mom while Jack and Wayne go on a super mission. Have I mentioned I'd much prefer to see Rico in this role?

Robocop is talking to Estro, and Robo says that he'll get the recording back. Estro says the plan was to make the country safer by having a nerve gas crisis (mkay), and everything just got super-scary and crazy when Robo decided to kill Palmer. "I mean, everything was going great when we were just plotting to kill the Russian president and kill innocent civilians at the mall and take over an airport terminal and execute innocents and kill everyone at CTU including that big old teddy bear Deadgar and put a Mentally Retarded Female in charge over CTU and disperse nerve gas into all the homes in L.A. But YOU! YOU had to go and execute the black man, just for funsies, and EVERYONE loves the black man! You ruined EVERYTHING!"

Chloe tells Mr. F that Estro's on line 1, and Mr. F says, "I'm totally sitting at Bill Buchanan's desk now, because it makes me feel pretty." Chloe half rolls her eyes and nods. "Yeah, I get it. I hate you."

Mr. F answers the phone, and Estro says, "Mr. F, it's 11 p.m. Do you know where your Jack Bauer is?" "My who? Oh yeah, him. He's supposed to be on his way here. But he's gone off the grid. Which means we can't find his destroyer nor his submarine. Need I even mention his Battleship?"

Estro tells her that he's issuing an executive order for Jack's arrest and framing. Mr. F says, "What'd he do?" Estro says, "You know, he killed that black guy that everyone loves. Even SarahK loved him, and she doesn't love anyone." Mr. F says, "But I thought you said he didn't do it, and now you're waffling... are you sure you're Republican?" and Estro says something about new information, like the information that he's a scum-sucking weasel not fit to lick Jack's boots, and tells Mr. F to keep the warrant on the down-low. "You mean like your sexual preferences?" "And yours."

Audrey fakes going over a report with Chloe so she can ask for a private secured super-strong cell-phone. Make sure it's a Sprint Treo! Chloe says she can do anything except smile and then notices the warrant for Jack flash across her screen. Audrey draws some black clouds and crows into the background and says ominously, "It's starting." Chloe says, "Oh no. I hope you don't mean our chamomile tea hour. I'm not ready! I'm not ready!"

Mr. F joins them and says she wants to talk to them about Jack's warrant. Audrey says, "I'ma go get some sleep, but yeah, why the heck is there a warrant?" Chloe mentions the teeny fact that someone else confessed and tells Mr. F that she should read the logs because she's a moron. Mr. F says she knows about the logs, and then writes down "check logs" on her hand in red pen.

When Audrey finally has enough, she walks out, and Mr. F calls SexHarassman and the new blonde chick Valerie, and they tell Mr. F the transponder is on Audrey's car. She says, "Yay! She'll lead us to Jack! I'm so excited!"

Chloe keeps typing.

Still no Rico Suave, and it's still the wrong Palmer brother that's alive and with Jack. Wayne says, "We don't need guns to rob a bank, right?" and Jack says, "Don't be a wuss. If we're gonna pretend to rob a bank, we have to have guns." And they're robbing the bank because they need to get to the safe deposit box where Evelyn had the evidence.

Jack, like Sydney Bristow, can disarm any alarm and pick any lock, so Jack and Wayne bust in to the bank manager's house and scare him and his wife. Manager tries to yell for wifey. Jack punches him in the throat. They tie up the wife and tell the bank manager they're going to the bank.

Audrey calls her daddy, and the SecDef is back on the show. He's gonna stop off in L.A. to see his Precious. Audrey calls Chloe from the gas station, and Chloe helps Whiny find the tracker on the car. She puts it on a big rig (18 wheels on one of those, you know). Audrey's jacket is pretty.

Estro and the Veep have a confrontation. The Veep is upset about the warrant for Jack, Estro tells him there's new evidence, and the Veep's like yeah right. Estro says that Walt must have been covering for Jack but now there's no doubt that Jack was the shooter. Aaron is in the room when the conversation happens, and Estro dismisses him so Aaron can go talk to the first lady in secret.

Evelyn falls down goes boom, and Amy, the bad daughter, calls 9-1-1. Bad girl calling 9-1-1 when your mommy's dying!

Estro has a press conference. Says he's a major hero. Marty is talking to Aaron saying that Estro really had a good day, what with thwarting madeup terrorists and whatnot. Aaron is "battle-worn" and calls Jack to ask if there's anything he can do for Jack. Jack says watch your back and don't blink. SarahK thinks Aaron's going to die heroically. Because we all love Aaron, and the writers hate us all.

CTU finds out that Audrey ditched the transponder, and Mr. F tells Harassman to find her. Something unimportant like that.

Jack and Wayne make the bank manager break into the bank, and Jack says, "No funny business, or I'll totally put a hit out on your wife. I can do that, because I'm Jack Bauer, and you're nobody." Management asks Wayne why they're there, and he recognizes Wayne. Jack, you should have taken Rico Suave. WHERE IS CURTIS? I WANT HIM BACK! NOW!

Anyway. Wayne tells him they just want evidence on who killed David, Management asks why they didn't just get a subpoena. Wayne says, "They're after me! They want to snatch my body! I'm scared!" and Management says, fine, whatever.

EMTs arrive for Evelyn, and Robo busts in and shoots the EMTs. Evelyn is barely lucid, Robo asks where Jack is, and Bad Amy screams for effect.

Marty and Estro are talking, and she's praising him like crazy. "You were magnificent!" "Magnificent! I could get used to being called that! Especially if it came from an attractive, neat, well-dressed man!"

Yeah, so it kinda sucks that now that Estro's grown a pair, he grew an evil pair. He gets a call from Robo, who tells him they're on their way to get Jack. Estro says tell me when it's done, and when Marty asks when what's done, she can tell he's lying.

NEWSFLASH! AUDREY IS ON MULHOLLAND HEADED FOR THE SCOOBY-DOO PASS! Or something like that. It would be incredibly heartbreaking (for no one) if she were to get run off the road and die.

Over-Sensitive Girl asks Chloe if she's got a minute. "No." I love her. Over-Sensitive is on to Chloe, but she doesn't realize it, because Chloe's way smarter than her.

The Robogang arrives at the bank so they can have a big hairy shootout. Robocop, of course, isn't there, so these guys are all wearing red shirts. Red's such a pretty color for a shirt.

They get into the safety deposit box and listen to a recording that implicates Estro and Robocop. Management now wants to help any way he can. Jack says he wants his car for a little longer. "My car??? But gas prices!!" "Don't worry, I'll bring it back with a full tank of gas!" They decide to trip the silent alarm so LAPD and Robogang can have a shootout, which the Three Amigos can use as a diversion.

Does SexHarassman do anything other than look like a worm? Just wondering. Chloe's corrupting the satellite feed (in private) so they can't track Audrey. SHMan realizes the server is corrupt, and Chloe's not at her desk. Meanwhile, she deletes the server files to some Mission Impossible Sean Callery tunes. He gets there, she's gone, he finds her coming out of the bathroom. He asks what she was doing. "Are you kidding? If you really want the details I'll write you a report."

Jack and his P99 (such a beautiful gun, I want to clean it and shoot it and caress it and load it with hollow points) lead the way out of the bank as the LAPD shows up. Military shows up too. Jack, Management, and Wayne run out and steal a police car, because that's what innocent people do. Management gets killed. His poor wife. Jack calls Audrey and says that Estro is for shizzay a bad guy. What a shocker ending! Estro's bad!

Next week: SecDef asks how they know the recording is real. Then he confronts Estro and tells him the gig is up. SHMan (turns out, his name is Miles, which is perfect for such a creep) sets up Chloe with the help of Over-Sensitive Girl and tells Chloe she's going to jail. Maybe at the end of the season, Chloe and Jack will escape overseas together! Jack tells Bill that Estro's bad and using the military to keep his secret (not the brokeback secret, the evil pair of balls secret). Jack gets in a shootout of some sort.

Kenny is saying what he means and not sugarcoating. Yay! I love it! He actually said Taylor seemed weak at first. That's awesome, I like when they tell the truth.

IDOLS 01... So Taylor is singing "Take Me Home, Country Road" by John Denver. That was one of Taylor's most boring performances ever. I don't think he's ever sang a bad note, though. He's never flat, never sharp, so we know he's talented, but that was a horrible song choice. It was exactly as Simon said, safe and boring. Rewatch: Oh, I do love his high notes. Still boring. And oh my dear Captain Tightpants, please please loosen up.

IDOLS 02... Mandisa is singing "Any Man of Mine" by Shania Twain. First of all, it's a Shania song, so that's strike one. And once she sings her first phrase, I know it's the wrong song choice for her. The whole song was awful. Way too deep in the low range for her for most of the song. PAULA: "Mandisa, you can sing the phone book, you can sing the Encyclopedia, you can sing anything." SARAHK: "Yeah, but she can't sing that song." Re: wardrobe. I'm disappointed. It's not as modest as she usually is. And she really just shouldn't wear jeans. Rewatch: Note to Mandisa: You don't need to sing teasin' squeezin' pleasin' kinda songs. It was just uncomfortable for me.

IDOLS 03... Elliott's singing "If Tomorrow never Comes" by Garth Brooks. I'm not a big Garth fan, but he has great songs (make sense?). Elliott's wearing brown, so of course, he gets my vote, as that's my recently confessed favorite color. Anyway, it's good, a little subdued and safe, but kinda the right balance of smooth v. warbling. I personally liked it a lot and enjoyed it more than Garth. Plus Elliott took liberties with the melody, and I like that. Did Paula just say that "If Tomorrow Never Comes" is a hard song to sing? No, it's really not, but I don't care. Simon agrees. Rewatch: I enjoyed it just as much the second time around. He's probably my #2 tonight.

IDOLS 04... Ryan is asking Paris how many hairstyles she can possibly have. I dunno, Ryan, how many over-priced t-shirts can you possibly have? She's singing "How Do I Live" by Trisha Yearwood if you're country, Leann Rimes if you're pop (sorry, but Leann's version was the lesser of the two, because she was way too much about herself on that song). Here's hoping that she's singing Trisha... aaaaand she's not. The first "ever survive" was... um... wait, Frank, can you pause the DVR? I'm not done baggin' on Paris. Anyway, the first ever survive was screechy and just offkey enough that I couldn't tell if it was sharp or flat, but it made my face hurt listening to it. The second one was fine. She looks great, I love every part of the outfit, including the hair. Oh look at me being Paula. "Paris, you're beautiful tonight, so you should be proud." Really, the song was awful. And Simon must be doing that reverse psychology thing. ? BTW, didn't Jessica sing this song last year and it was awful? Rewatch: Just really did nothing for me. And I really didn't like the cuts, it could have been cut much better. Just doesn't flow. Eh, not impressed.

IDOLS 05... Ace is next, and Kenny's like, "Ace sings with his heart" (hearts don't make pretty music), so we know this is gonna s-u-c-K. He's singing Keith Urban's "Tonight I Wanna Cry". This is terrible and boring and ... sorry, I was sleeping. What's going on? Oh yeah, Paula's talking. Anyway, I was praying for him to leave off the falsetto, because his falsetto makes me wanna cry, but he had to do a whole phrase of it and not just one note, and that means there's all kinds of cringing goin' on up here in the house of J. Ryan: "Ladies, he's officially single." Translation: "Like Clay Aiken and me, Ace has failed to find the right woman." Wink wink, nudge nudge, I heart Kathy Griffin. Rewatch: The purple tulips I bought today are very pretty. It wasn't as awful the second time around. The chorus sounds like the chorus from "Wind Beneath My Wings", now that I hear it again. I was too busy hating it the first time. It's still fairly off-key, and there's that dreadful falsetto. Yech.

[HELL AIN'T FROZE OVER YET, Y'ALL]... Kellie Pickler is next, dressed in her jeans and brassiere. Nice girl, that Kellie Pickler. Ok, so Ryan asks her, "Are you really as big an idiot as you pretend, or are you faking, you big phony Earsore?" "No, really, I never heard of calamaray, and salmon has an L in it." Yeah, well Kellie, "pseudo" has a silent "p" - don't hurt yourself trying to figure out how to pronounce it - also "fake" has a silent "e" but it's not pronounced "fakey" unless I say "fakey fake Kellie Pickler", and "pretense" also has that big fat silent "e". But you know what, now that Ryan axed you if you're fake, and you said, "Naw, I wouldn't even know how to spell fake, what with that silent 'e' and all", I believe ya. You must be the real thang!

Oh how I love it when they read what I write about them.

EEEEEEEEE!!! OK! WHEN I WAS THINKING THIS WEEK WHAT SONGS EVERYONE WOULD SING FOR COUNTRY NIGHT, I KNEW SHE WAS GOING TO SING "FANCY" BY REBA! Poor Frank, I just turned and screamed that at him at high volume. Kenny: "This is the perfect song for her." SarahK: "Yeah, I know, it's about a prostitute, and we've seen that prom dress!" For the record, I think Chris is going to sing "Papa Loved Mama" or "Rodeo" or something by Toby Keith.

I'm going to hate myself in the morning ("but I'm gonna love you tonight") and blame it on Paula's vodka, but she was actually on-key most of the time. I have to be honest and say she sang well. But I can dis the hand gestures and laugh at the fact that half of voting AI watchers think she's a tramp (allegedly) and what a perfect song that makes it for her. For once, I'll say this: Great song choice, Kellie!! Rewatch: Don't walk and sing your low notes at the same time. I do really wanna know why she must pronounce "uptown" "upchown". And she's pretty weak when she needs to be strong. And she's still a major phony. You might fool a lot of people, but I was married to your type once upon a time (no, not a girl, a phony), and I knows 'em when I sees 'em.

Sweet, Frank left all his sauce from the Cranberry Barbecue Chicken I made tonight, so I totally get to finish it off.

IDOLS 07... Chris is singing "Making Memories of Us" by Keith Urban. That was awesome. We finally see the softer side, no jumping around, no flipping the mic stand, that was fantastic. Simon says that it was nice to see the softer side (we were all brainwashed by that Sears commercial way back, no?) but that for the last 2 weeks all the contestants had horrible song choices. You can't blame them for last week - the last 6 years haven't been the greatest for music (except Dave Matthews and Toby Keith and a few others), and this week - um, what, do you expect Chris to know all the country songs and pick the very best? Let's see how Kellie does Nirvana week. Rewatch: It was beautiful this time too. Well done.

Frank just said, "So why do we have this guy from the chicken restaurants coaching these singers?" and if he wasn't joking, it would be the end of him.

IDOLS 08... So. Katharine hates me (why do they always front me?). She's singing Faith Hill's "Bringing Out the Elvis", and we know how I feel about that (scroll to Melissa McGhee). That's OK if she hates me, the only ones I really want to love me are Mandisa, Chris, and Taylor, if I'm telling the Kellie-Pickler's-honest truth. Goodness, girl, are you letting Kellie pick your songs? You know she wants to sabotage you, right? No, wait, she's just a sweet, All-American country bumpkin who wouldn't sell her own mother up the river to get what she wants. Oh how I hate this song. She's wearing brown and purple, so you know I'm gonna love the wardrobe. Ok, so it was one of the best of the night, because tonight has been awful. Screechy on the high notes. Rewatch: Much better the 2nd time around, because I was over it being a song that I hate so much, but she needs to make sure she stays on the mic all the time. Anyway, it was really good on the repeat.

IDOLS 09... Bucky is singing "Best I Ever Had"... um, by Vertical Horizon. I guess Gary Allan released it in 2005, but I immediately said, "That's a rock song. I know that song." Sure 'nuff. It's on that album where the girl is cartwheeling into the water or something like that. "You're a God" is on the same album. But he didn't sing it rock, so I'll give it to him. It was good, pretty, boring, safe, too understated. He must think he's not on the bubble any more since he wasn't in the bottom 3 last week, so he's not going for it. But really, no one is, so whatever. Rewatch: Still pretty, still boring, pitchier than it was before, and very forgettable.

Vocally, tonight (voting for the * ones once, ** ones twice where Frank and I both vote):

Chris**
Elliott**
Katharine**
Kellie (I'm going to hell for putting her in the top half, I'm sure of it, but don't worry - I'll never vote for her!)
Bucky*
Taylor* (so boring) - come ON Taylor, you know you're better than this!
Mandisa**
Paris
Ace

Prediction: This is pulled straight out of my pinkytoe, because this was such an awful week that it's really hard to predict. Bottom 3 will be Ace, Mandisa, Bucky. No wait, Ace, Paris, Bucky. But if there's a big shocker this week, it'll be that Bucky is safe, and Taylor is in the bottom 3. Ace goes home.

Audrey's sitting with her hand over her face that Jack is alive. Oh yeah, Jack is alive and trying to revive Bierko, whom he carried out of the explosion.

Ok, now how many times do I have to say, "Is Bierko Robocop?" and how many times does Frank have to explain to me the difference between the two (Robocop's in the car talking on the phone, Bierko is the Scottish-Chechnyan guy) before Joel Surnow realizes it's just all too confusing? And how many times does Frank have to get frustrated and me explain to him that I have a medical condition that gives me a bad memory? And what was I saying? Oh yeah, and that medical condition is related to hormones, so he really shouldn't mess with me, because hormonal women are scary.

Curtis says they need to go to CTU.

Jack calls Bill and Bill is walking away from Mr. F to talk, because she's still trying to shut the place down. Jack tells Bill that he's scared. I'm totally out on Jack. Pansy. Aaron wouldn't be scared, he'd just kick pinkytoe. Tony wouldn't be scared, he'd just kick pinkytoe. Jack's now ascared.

Mr. F calls the Veep and Veep tells her to keep him informed and stop screwing up. Mr. F is talking to Mr. Sexual Harrassment, and SexHarrassman is talking about taking advantage of Audrey's split loyalties.

Audrey and Bill are talking, and she doesn't believe him that DHS is taking over. She says it's impossible, but she doesn't know she's on TV. Anything is possible on TV. Have you ever seen ALIAS? You can fly to Korea from L.A. and back in a half-hour, with a pit-stop at the Trattoria Dinardi in Rome to boot, and don't forget how many times people can die before they're really dead. I think Irina's been dead like 1200 times already, so anything is possible.

Robocop is talking to the men chasing Wayne Palmer. Wayne, in a deleted scene last week, apparently knocked someone out & took their big gun, then they fought back, and Aaron showed up and plucked him up and put him in his van.

Wayne tells Aaron that David had a source inside the White House, Evelyn (Marty's assistant). Evelyn and David were emailing, and info she gave him got him killed. Evelyn is really trying hard to get away from the compound. Wayne and Aaron show up to question Wayne, and Evelyn says she doesn't know nothing and starts crying. He yells, she says that her little girl has been kidnapped. She can get her daughter back if she gives them the evidence on the people orchestrating the day's events. Aaron agrees with Wayne and says the bad guys will kill both her and her daughter because she knows too much. Evelyn agrees to give Wayne and Aaron the evidence if they'll get her daughter back. Apparently this thing is super-big. Ok, now reality check (stay with me, I know this is fiction, but give me a moment). How long have they had her kid, because she only just this hour started acting hinky about it. When Marty was getting felt up by Walt, she didn't seem stressed about anything other than Mrs. Logan.

Single White Harrassed Female and Chloe are working. DHS walks in in a big posse. Some blonde is taking over Chloe's station, and Chloe's like, who are you? You can't have my keycard either! Mr. F makes the announcement that DHS is taking over. SexHarrassman asks to see Audrey in the situation room. She should accuse him of stuff and stuff.

Wayne is talking to Jack on the phone and tells Jack that Evelyn's daughter is the new Kim. Oh yay, I was worried we'd only have one kid in the way this season! Now that Derek finally has a tissue, we get a new kid to focus on. Except she's probably not as stupid as Kim.

SexHarrassman picked the wrong girl to try to convince to make a statement that CTU was totally at fault for everything that happened today. And Audrey isn't playing, so SexHarrassman threatens to show her at fault too. She tells him to shove the statement up his pinkytoe, because she won't help him justify his lies.

Audrey talks to Jack, and he says they really really need satellites and Chloe. Audrey says Veep Gardner told DHS to shut down CTU. Jack suspects the Veep. Jack says find a way to keep Chloe on. So Audrey goes upstairs and tells Mr. F and SexHarrassman that she changed her mind. She says the only way she'll stick around is if Chloe stays and they assign Chloe to Audrey. Chloe's gonna love that, having to hear every conversation where Jack and Audrey discuss their relationship while Chloe retasks a satellite every 5 minutes. Audrey signs the statement, with the name Audrey Heller Raines Bauer, and dots the i with a little heart.

Robocop tells his men to get moving on something or other, and there's the little girl, and goodness, there always has to be a female to rescue. Kim, Audrey, Teri, Michelle, not Chloe (because she can totally take care of herself), Derek, and now this girl. Robocop says he'll take care of the girl. I don't think he means he's making her oatmeal and tucking her in.

Evelyn talks to someone who says he's on the way to meet her at her car.

Wayne and Aaron walk down the hall and run into the Veep, who's super sorry that David's dead and stuff. Aaron says Wayne came to bring him a trinket from David. Now the Veep is looking way too obvious, so I'm going with Estro.

Chloe looks annoyed at the DHS girl taking over her station. She goes to talk to Bill, who says it's not over. She says, "It sure seems over, everyone is getting fired, end of season." SexHarrassman tells Chloe she can stay, and she's like, what if I don't want to, and he's like, Audrey signed something saying Bill screwed up everything. Bill says, but that's not true, why would you do that? I've known you for years (18 months)! She says, but it's true. You suck. She's trying to say that she's in a Flank Two position with her eyes, but Bill doesn't get it.

The Veep goes into President Estro's office and I'm realizing we haven't seen Mike Novick in this episode. Veep asks Estro about Wayne Palmer being there, and Estro's like, "What? He made it through all ... uh... I mean, he uh... was here? What for?" and the Veep is like, "You're sure he wasn't here to see you??" and I'm thinking Estro's doing super secret stuff, and the Veep is on to him.

Wayne & Evelyn are in the car on their way to meet Robocop. Robo calls Evelyn and asks why Wayne Palmer was at the compound. "Uh, I didn't see him. Honest, I've never seen a black man in person!" Robocop says if she's lying, Kimmie Jr. is gonna suffer. She raises her voice, so he believes her. He gives her an address, and Jack calls Audrey to tell her what he needs the satellite for. Chloe tells Audrey, I hate you, you're a jerkface! You go away! "But Chloe, Jack needs you." "Oh, Jack needs me? How may I be of service? Can I get you some chamomile tea?" And Audrey tells her she had no choice but to say that stuff so she could keep Chloe. Meanwhile, Bill gives Audrey the "Flank Off" look as he's walking out the door.

Evelyn and Wayne go to an old abandoned farmhouse (is that the same farmhouse from Hannibal?) (you know, abandoned farmhouses are great meeting places. If anyone ever wants to meet me at one, I'll bring my own pinata, and we'll have a grand old time in the dark in the middle of nowhere. I'm all for having parties at abandoned farmhouses.).

Jack meets them there and has Chloe check out the satellite. She says there are 10 bad people. Wayne, Evelyn, and Jack go to get the girl. Wayne really wants to go, Jack says no at first, and then Wayne says, "Jack, I'm a Marine." Jack says, "You never saw combat. There's a difference between training to kill and actually killing." SarahK says, "But he trained to kill Marine-style, I think he can handle himself." I'm thinking Kimmie Jr. lives and Evelyn dies.

Chloe is helping Jack and Wayne, Evelyn has left and is going to get her daughter and give up the info. Wayne and Jack start in toward where Robo's men are.

Robo's checking in, the men don't see Evelyn. Jack checks out his real-time satellite images on his Treo and kills 1 of the 10 with a suppressed pistol. Help! Help! I'm being suppressed! 10% down! Jack says they're running out of time so they have to split up. He changes his mind, kills another, then tells Wayne to go. Wayne makes his first kill, and he's all cool with that, because Marines were made for killin' and protecting the innocent. Jack slits one's throat. 4 down. Jack makes his latest kill's radio all distorted and talks through it, tells Robo that everything's ok.

Evelyn gets her daughter back, there's a big shootout, Evelyn is hit in the leg (shocker!), Kimmie Jr. is ok, Estro is shown on the phone with Robocop asking why there was a problem with Evelyn. Well, I didn't expect Jack Bauer to show up.

And where's Curtis? Did he get fired? Is he coming back? Are they getting rid of the field agents too? Is Wayne the new Rico Suave? If so, I'll be sorely disappointed.

Next week, Estro tells Robocop that Jack is Robo's responsibility. Jack tells Audrey that they can't trust anyone, and I'm going, well, I don't so much trust Audrey. How do we know she's not in on it? And why isn't Tony alive yet? Audrey tells Chloe, "It's starting. My period. It's starting. This is a bad time for that. Can I borrow a tampon?" And Chloe grimaces and says, "Borrow? No." Mr. F says no one can stop Audrey from meeting with Jack because they need that meeting to take place (yay! maybe Audrey dies!). Jack sports a loverly Walther P99 (my, that's a pretty gun, I'm so glad I have one). Jack tells Evelyn he's gonna get her to a hospital. Aaron tells Jack that every military agency is going to be after him. Jack decides to rob a bank and gets trapped inside by a tank and Robocop's guys.

questions: so the whole thing with Walt... Estro did know about it? didn't? is a good actor? is Mike in on this? Is Estro ever going to get punched? Is Aaron going to do the punching?

IDOLS 01... Lisa is singing "Because of You" by Kelly Clarkson. I wonder if she and Kellie had a big throw-down over who got to sing Kelly Clarkson. Ok, um... this was pretty bad. I like Lisa, I like her voice, she has terrible stage presence. But tonight she worked so hard on the stage presence (no doubt because everyone keeps calling her forgettable and saying she has lousy stage presence) that she completely botched the vocals. Really, she was offkey a lot, screechy a lot, and that hair flip thing was way over the top.

[WITHHELD FOREVER AND EVER AMEN]... Earsore Pickler is singing "Suds in the Bucket" by Sara Evans. That's a cutesy song to listen to in the car, but it's not even a showoff song for Sara Evans, and that chick has pipes galore. First of all, Kellie's very different in her pre-game interview. She is wearing less makeup, for one (she looks better, too), and she's less buoyant. Did I spell that right? Anyway, it's like she's lost some of her thunder. Maybe she started reading all the stuff people write about her idiot act and decided to tone it down? If so, thank you. Or maybe she just got ahold of some bad calamaray. Anyway, my ears hurt after that, no shocker. Her low range is awful. Mine is too, but if I'm picking a song to show off with, I don't pick a song that goes so deep into my shaky area, or I raise the key to something more comfy for me. Anyway, tonight she was even flatter personality-wise than she normally is vocal-wise, which is kinda boring for us snarkers. Touche, Dimwit, touche. UPDATE: I just went back and rewatched this, because the MRI last week showed that I don't have tumors in my ears, and I was hoping to grow some so I can be a more interesting patient for the doc. It's really worse the second time around. Not just the vocals (a given), but also the stage presence and the end talk with the judges (she only winked once or twice, and she hardly made any hand gestures). It's like she finally got deflated after that ballsy comment and realized the gig is up, and she wants out of the competition ASAP so meanies like me will stop saying ugly things about her.

IDOLS 03... Ace is singing "Drops of Jupiter", which is a good song choice for him. At the first hair flip, the performance is already way too gay. This was blah and bland and vocally hideous. He has absolutely no energy tonight. Moving on.

IDOLS 04... Look at Taylor! He got a haircut! And he's wearing something weird, like with a leather jacket and shiny shoes and everything. He's singing Ray LaMontagne's "Trouble". He's totally not dancing like a freak, which is letting him show off just how great that "whiskey tenor" voice is. Not the most exciting and flashy song, but for some reason this is one of my favorite Taylor performances ever. Hey look, there's George Huff. I liked him. Anyway, this wasn't the most exciting, but I would pop this one in the CD player, hop into my hammock, and listen to it over and over while alternately yelling at the golfers driving across my lawn and closing my pretty little eyes.

IDOLS 05... Mandisa is singing "Shackles" by Mary Mary. I love it, she's Jesus talking even in her song, and she's singing about freedom in Christ. This is what I love about this girl. She can pick anything she wants, and here she is going with contemporary gospel so she can use her showcase to loosely "witness" (as the kids like to call it these days). The vocals were a tad shaky, but Mandisa pulled it all together and mostly rocked. Frank and I enjoyed ourselves. Simon and Randy didn't like it (Simon thought it was indulgent??). I felt bad for Mandisa when Paula said there were millions of people joining the church of Mandisa. I said to Frank, "Oh, she's NOT going to like that comment," and she was shaking her head and very uncomfortable. Yeah, so Paula's never heard that whole idolatry bit in the Bible. But it's such a small part of the 10 Commandments that I'm sure a lot of people miss that part.

Frank just told me the name of the show is American IDOL.

IDOLS 06... Ok, so Ryan and Chris are talking, and giving credit to Live for last week's version of "I Walk the Line". Here's the thing. He probably tried to give credit in his pre-game talk last week, but AI cut it up because it's TV and that's what they do. And then all the backlash with people saying that Chris didn't give credit where credit was due, and if I'm guessing, I'm betting he asked if he could give credit before tonight's performance. Everyone knows he loves Live, and I don't think he intentionally left out the credit. Maybe that's just me.

RYAN SEACREST, YOU MUST STOP GOOGLING "SARAHK" TO SEE WHAT I SAY AND THEN PASS IT OFF AS YOUR OWN. Ryan said he'd love to see Chris sing Celine Dion. Yeah, I already said that. If he starts calling Kellie the Earsore, I'm totally emailing him a tough-love-o-gram. Who am I kidding? Ryan's all scripted except when Simon's judging a performance. BTW, Simon appears to be in a mood tonight.

Anyway, Chris is doing "What If" by Creed, which I think is great. Great performance. Simon thinks it's indulgent and that Chris needs to do something other than rock (after he said last week that he likes that Chris doesn't compromise - make up your mind). I keep seeing people comment that Chris needs to "branch out". WHY?? You know what I liked about Bo Bice? He was a rocker. Then he came out with a pop album. Yeah, not in a hurry to buy it. I listened to samples of all the songs, and none of them are the thing I liked about Bo. Why do I want to see Chris do showtunes or "The Power of Love"? He's a rocker, and I don't care if he can't sing pop. He's not going to put out a pop album, and if he does, I'm not in a hurry to buy.

WHAT IS KATHARINE WEARING????

IDOLS 07... Katharine is singing "The Voice Within" by Christina Aguilera. She says she has learned by doing AI that you can't trust anyone but yourself (trouble in roomy-land?). Katharine, you cannot trust your stylist, so I'm hearing you. If anyone ever tells you that's a good thing to wear, just pimp slap them, ok? Ok. It was good, she really sounded great (except on the runs, where she was a tad screechy). I've never heard the Christina version, and I'm ok with that, because Christina gets screechy sometimes herself. Anyway, she's got a fabulously controlled voice, and she did bust out a little more tonight (they really do listen to me occasionally, no?), so I'm happy with the performance. Good job. Oh, I criticized the clothes, but the face and hair are awesome. She's really beautiful tonight. And I do like that she's got back. Girls with back gotta support other girls with back. And she doesn't look pregnant tonight. Good on her.

IDOLS 08... Bucky is doing "Real Good Man" by Tim McGraw. He's dressed all up like Tim McGraw, too, even wearing the black hat so far down over the eyes that there's a shadow where his peepers should be. I actually thought it was Bucky's best in a while, and he actually sang like he wasn't trying to hide the fact that he was singing. I think with as bad as Lisa and Ace were tonight, Bucky will probably stick around.

IDOLS 09... Paris is doing "Work It Out" by Beyonce. She looks much better this week, that freaky 40s hair is gone, thank goodness. She's doing all the Destiny's Child dances that she learned when she was 14. Flinging the Beyonce hair, actually trying to do the whole Beyonce look tonight. She finally showed off her voice, at least. That part was great.

However.

The freaky hair dancing and stomping was way much. I was afraid she was gonna jump out the HD and slap me with that freaky straw hair. Stop the madness, Paris, stop the madness.

IDOLS 10... This is brave. Elliott is doing "I Don't Wanna Be" by Gavin Degraw, which Bo Bice did last year, and did well. So he's gonna have to come up with something fresh. I hate to say this, because Elliott danced so goofy and dressed like he just stepped out of the gutter, but I liked the arrangement, and I really enjoyed the performance (with my eyes closed, because the squats were going to set me off on a giggle fit, and if my abs already hurt, I won't likely go to Curves tomorrow). He sang mostly great, with a smattering of eh.

In order by tonight's vocal (* ones got either my vote or Frank's vote, ** ones got both so we called twice):
Taylor**
Chris**
Katharine* (me)
Mandisa** (we actually voted for her 3 times, because we like her)
Elliott* (me)
Bucky* (me)
Paris* (Frank)
Lisa
Ace
Kellie

Word of the night: Freaky. Let's all say it together.

UPDATE: Forgot to predict. The bottom 3 will be Ace, Lisa, Paris. Lisa goes home.

Ok, so the new ep starts, and Bill Buchanan tells Audrey that he has to detain her. "But why? Does Jack want to talk about our relationship in private? I've been wanting to do that, but he's always brushing me off because of "National Security." Pshhht. As if!"

Bill tells Audrey that she gave info to terrorists, and she says that's not true, and did Jack sanction this? Oh yeah, he did, and he's totally going to strangle your pinkytoe later!

Jack is talking to Man-Girl (who doesn't have a man's body, just to clarify, she just has a manly jawline. Not my fault.). He tells her he's totally gonna make her sorry if she's lying.

Buchanan is arguing with Mr. F, saying that he's known Audrey for years (18 months, to be exact), and they can't do aggressive interrogation on her. Jack walks in to Mr. F (after his super-fast magic-carpet ride to CTU) and tells her they need to let him interrogate Audrey. NO! LET SARAHK DO IT! Jack threatens Mr. F and tells her that if she's wrong and interrogates Audrey the wrong way, her daddy, the SecDef, is totally gonna kick Mr. F's pinkytoe. Mr. F is like, "but what if she's guilty?" and Jack is like, "You're a retard! Maybe we should figure it out first! Is your name Kellie Pickler?"

Terrorists are doing something, but really, do we pay attention before they actually do something? They're heading toward a target with lots of canisters. Whatever, this is about STRANGLING AUDREY!

Chloe tells Jack that Audrey and Walt Cummings were totally DOING IT! They stayed in the same room at the same hotel and whoa. That makes her an adultering fornicator, and yay! I have reason to hate her! Woohoo! And Jack has totally forgotten that he was doing it with Diane, and Chloe is like, "Sweeeeet! I got to tell Jack that Audrey's a whore!"

Sherry shows up and wants to talk to Chloe. She's there to replace Edgar. I know this girl, what was she on before. Chloe and the new girl are gonna have chamomile tea later, I feel it in my bones. New girl and that Mr. M from DHS are eyeing each other like they've DONE IT before.

Jack goes in and questions Audrey. Audrey's like, "But we used to DO IT, Jack, you totally know I couldn't be bad!" And Jack's like, "Yeah, but I've DONE IT with lots of girls, you the least of them." Jack asks if Audrey knows Walt or Robocop. She says she's met Walt a couple of times, and Jack's like, where? And Audrey's like, "Oh just office parties, no biggie," and Jack's like, "YOU WHORE! YOU SHARED A ROOM WITH HIM LAST YEAR!" And she's like, "Oh yeah. But you know, it was only because you died, and he'd just separated from his wife, and I totally broke up with him." And Jack says, "Why?" and she says, "Because he wasn't you." And SarahK is like, "Gag me with a spoon!" And Audrey's like, "I only didn't tell you because he turned out to be a traitor, and no, really, that's it!" And Jack totally wants to kill her, and he's holding her up against the wall by the neck, and I'm LOVING IT! And Jack's like, "This convo is totally over, man," and Audrey has totally won.

Chloe asks Sherry why Mr. M from DHS is so hostile toward her. And Sherry tells Chloe that a while back, they worked together, and she had to file a SEXual harrassment charge against him because he was a total fiend, and she says, I shouldn't mess up, and Chloe says, "Uh, yeah."

Jack says Audrey is done being interrogated because he can't take it any more, and Bill says that DHS's Mr. F wants her questioned more. Me? I just want Jack to strangle her once more. Maybe twice more. Jack starts strangling people just for fun, and Audrey's being taken away, and Jack's been taken into custody.

Robocop is talking to his buddy asking if Wayne is dead yet. "No, but he will be soon!" Aaron, the greatest SS agent EVER, asks where Wayne is. He decides to go out and look for Palmer, and I'm like, "Why is Wayne alive and David's dead? Is that justice?"

Jack tells Mr. F that Audrey is innocent. "Why?" "Because I DID IT with her! And Nina Meyers is -- anyway, forget about Nina, this is about Audrey, and she's whiney and stuff, but I totally know she's not lying."

Do we really need a sexual harrassment subplot right now? This new girl (whom I really want to call Jamie, because she reminds me of Jamie from the first season) is fighting with Mr. M, and Chloe comes to her rescue and tells Mr. M that if he doesn't shut up and stop being a pinkytoehead, she'll file a complaint with Division and show him what protocol is all about. And SarahK's like, "I love Chloe!"

At a gas company (Wilshire, which is totally the name of the hotel in Pretty Woman -- the Regent Beverly Wilshire), the terrorists arrive and shoot people. They want to go to the control room. Ok, just don't shoot me, I'll take you there. So they're gonna put the nerve gas in the gasoline, but that's ok, because gas prices are so high that everyone in L.A. owns electric french-fry cars now, so no one will die. Aw, how sweet for it to end so cleanly! Frank says it's a natural gas pipeline, so I'm totally bummed that my joke no longer works. Darnit! I hate it when I'm not funny!

Terrorist tells the gas guy to reduce the pipeline's PSI by 1/2 in the next half hour (whew! I was worried that it wouldn't be within the hour!) or he kills people.

Audrey's about to be tortured. Can I start cheering? Dangit, I hate it when Frank has a headache and I can't yell.

Wayne tells Aaron to drop his gun, and after he points his gun at the back of Aaron's head, Aaron says, "Whoa, it's me. Don't hurt me." And they get happy and go terrorist hunting together.

Audrey is being tortured (translation: talked to harshly, wooo, poor baby). I think they injected something too, but big whoop. I inject myself every evening. It's not that bad.

Jack goes back to Man-Girl and asks why she's fingering Audrey in the whole thing. She admits that Robocop told her to blame Audrey for everything. Now, is there really anything wrong with that? Jack forces Man-Girl to tell him where it is, and it's the natural gas distribution center, though they don't know why. See, we're all-electric-type people. We don't want anyone to be able to distribute anything via natural gas, so we go electric.

Audrey's all freaked out and sweaty, and whew, get that girl a blow dryer because she looks like a wet chihuahua right now. Ew. They're kissing. Blech. Cognac shrimp a second time. My esophagus hurts from the throw-up acid.

Jack just said, "I'll be right back." Did he learn nothing from the Scream movies? You never say you'll be right back, because that means you'll be right dead! Stupid Jack!

New girl figures out that the PSI thing would happen, so they figure out which natural gas plant is under attack. When Bill walks away, new girl tells Chloe that Bill's hand brushed her shoulder, and that was wrong. New girl's a whiney liberal. That's the only way to describe her. Boohoo, he accidentally touched her. Ok, I'm pretty sure she's the girl who was on Felicity and every time I see that show in reruns I always think it's Jennifer Garner and then I decide she's not JG.

On the way back from the bathroom just now, I smacked my ankle on the TV-trays holder. I could cry right now.

Ok, so they're headed to the gas place. To be honest, I'm more interested in Tony (who's not actually dead), Chloe and the new psycho-girl, and Audrey, because it was really cool seeing her strangled. My ankle hurts.

Chloe is trying to help Jack pinpoint where in the gas place he needs to attack, and Jack's yelling because he's sexually frustrated (wouldn't you be if you OUAT DID IT with Audrey?). I think my ankle is swelling. Chloe tells Jack to hurry. But we're only half-way through the season (as of last week), so if they catch Bierko now, what will we do for the next 11 hours?).

Jack tells everyone to turn their silencers off. (??? Am I the only one who finds this silly?) Anyone notice that Curtis is there? I wonder if he's gonna die. I'll be mad if he does.

The canisters have been activated by remote by Bierko (i'm so confused. where's Robocop?), so Jack wants to blow up the gas with C-4 so the gas doesn't go to the houses and the Centox will be incinerated.

Everything starts blowing up, but Jack just has to chase Bierko. Jack looks at Bierko, and Bierko falls down. There are lots of explosions. And the beep-boop of the end of the air.

My ankle hurts.

Next week: Audrey asks Curtis if Jack is there, and Curtis is like, "Am I my Jackie's keeper?". CTU is being taken over by DHS. Elaine (Martha's aide) is someone's source inside the White House (assumably Robocop's). Note: They do not show Jack nor Tony on the show next week, which mean's they're both alive.

Ok, so Barry Manilow coached everyone, which is different from it being Barry Manilow songs night. So I'm ok with this.

IDOLS 01... Mandisa is singing Dinah Washington's "I Don't Hurt Anymore". She looks great, she sings great. It was a little rough at the end, but she faked it well. When she went off key, she just pretended she meant to do that. And that's what a star does. And she's a star. Even Simon loves her tonight. Uh-oh, he just called her sexy; she's soooo embarrassed by that. Good girl. I adore her. Mandiva, how cute. She's too nice to call a diva, though. That's a good thing.

IDOLS 02... Bucky is doing "Oh Boy" by Buddy Holly. His voice is still too quiet. Hair is good tonight. Still looks washed, but not curly. So he's using the Garnier Fructis conditioner but not the smoothing milk. This is boring, and he's still way too quiet. After the keychange, off-key a lot. He's definitely going to be on the bubble tonight. He really just sounds like he's trying to sing and not get heard. Simon's right, it didn't make an impression. :-(

I love HDTV. I mean, I can see allllllll of Paula's lipgloss. Really, I think on HD, they can see it in Paris.

IDOLS 03... Speaking of Paris, she's next. She's doing Peggy Lee's "Fever". Oh my goodness, what did they do to her hair? I love the dress. The earrings are all wrong. For such a classy and grownup dress, you want earrings that don't look like you made them. Shoes are great, they must be killing her. Ok, first half was extremely boring, hence the focus on the appearance. The second half was good, end was great.

IDOLS 04... When Ryan said Chris would be doing Johnny Cash, Frank and I both got excited. Anyway, he's singing "I Walk the LIne". Oooh, he's wearing black too. Eeeeee! He seems nervous, but this is great. We'd by that single. That was more exciting than Johnny Cash's version. Was that him covering someone's cover version of the song, or was it his original cover? I'm asking because I don't know, and if he came up with that, bravo. Bravo anyway.

IDOLS 05... Katharine is doing "Come Rain or Come Shine" of Ella Fitzgerald. You know, I love that she does rehearse-and-interview day in her sweats with little or no makeup. That was good. Her hair is gorgeous. I hate the dress, but she looks beautiful. For the record, she's way hotter than Kellie Pickler, and I don't hate her. I hate her song choices (usually). She was much better tonight than usual (should have left off the very last phrase if I'm being honest). I still think she can do more than she's doing, and I'm still hearing Ruben in the back of my mind. I think she's coming around, but really. Katharine, you know you can belt better than that. Please do so.

IDOLS 06... Taylor is doing Buddy Holly's "Not Fade Away". And he's wearing a hideous baby blue grey suit thingy. Cap'n Tightpants yet again (really, someone tell that kid to buy bigger pants!). First half of the song is boring. Really boring. Ok, if'n I'm being honest, that was his worst performance to date. His voice wasn't there. Oh help me, what is that face Paula is making. They really should let Simon speak, since he's the only judge who has anything useful to say.

Paula... she really just makes me tired. I loved Simon shushing her. That's how we discipline our dog. I'm not sure if it works on clap-happy seals, though. She really took the giggle juice tonight.

IDOLS 07... Lisa Tucker is going to sing "Why Do Fools Fall in Love?". Off the top of my head, I'd say bad song choice. Boring song for this show. Maybe she and Barry can pull something out. BTW, Barry is just a great musician all around. (That's not permission for AI to have another Barry-songs themed night.) You know, I'd be fine if they replaced Paula with him. Why does she wear knee-shorts on stage? Lisa, that is. She was dressed better for meeting Barry than for her performance. She has great pipes, but... I dunno, when you're trying to make everyone forget you're a kid and you already have trouble picking forgettable songs, you should try to dress less like you're going to the schoolyard for a game of four square. Man, I loved that game.

IDOLS 08... Scrappy Doo is singing "When I Fall in Love". Ok, I think he's trying to look mature? What's with the hand in the pocket? You know what's bad is that the big notes are decently on-key, while the other notes are sharp. Ok, except that one big note right near the end. That was definitely pitchy, Dawg. Ok, earlier, I was gonna bring up Jasmine and how Kellie is like her, but then I decided that would be mean. But now that they've shown her in the audience, I feel she's free game. Kellie is like Jasmine, except Jasmine was better. There, that's how awful Kellie is.

IDOLS 09... Elliott is next. Wait, how could someone who sings like Elliott not have liked Barry's music before meeting him? Silly boy. Anyway, it's good he's turned around. Say, did y'all know that Elliott and Kevin are both diabetic? It's amazing what you learn on the AI website. But lemme tell y'all, that website's not as funny as this one. Elliott's singing "Teach Me Tonight". You know, Elliott and Chris have the best voices of all the men in the contest, no question. The first part of the song was blah, but it picked up. Wasn't his best, but it was good. He has a song choice problem that he really needs to remedy.

[NUMBER STILL WITHHELD BECAUSE ETERNITY IS NOT YET OVER AND UNLIKE SIMON, I HAVEN'T LOST MY EVERLOVING MIND]... Next up, Kellie Pickler is going straight to hell, because she's going to butcher Patsy Cline. Good mama, help me not faint, who in the world has never heard "Walking After Midnight" by Patsy Cline? Were you under a rock for all of the second half of the last century, Barry? It's only slightly less well-known than "Crazy". "Because she's so young, Kellie had to be reminded what the song is about." Translation: "Kellie's an idiot." Well, she looks good anyway. I'm sure that in somebody's world, that equates to vocal talent. And oh yes, soooo many innocent country girls dance like that. Hell. Straight to hell. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.

This show has become a nightmare. A trainwreck. I have lost all respect for Simon. Why don't they just kill Chloe while they're at it.

IDOLS 11... Ace is going to do "In the Still of the Night". My soul already hurts after Earsore, I'm not sure I can bear it. Well whaddaya know. Miracles happen. Ace didn't suck. That was actually great. He only did the falsetto for the one big note right at the end. I'm in shock, that was great. I have to give props. A couple of out of tune notes, but I mean, I'm just so shocked that he didn't suck that I might vote for him.

Vocally tonight:
Chris*
Mandisa*
Paris* - Frank thinks this was voteworthy, I don't.
Katharine* - I don't think this was voteworthy and was not as good as she could have done, but I feel guilty voting for Ace and not Katharine and Paris. They've been consistently better than him...
Ace* - But if he has sex with the camera one more time tonight, I'm taking it back.
Elliott* - His song choices have to improve or I'll stop voting for him next week. No more messing around, Elliott.
Lisa
Scrappy - I hate putting him above Taylor, but Taylor didn't even sing tonight.
Taylor - I'm sorry, I can't vote for him tonight. I can't get behind such a lazy vocal.
Kellie - I can't believe I'm saying she was better than Bucky. I must have forgotten my hormone shot. Or maybe the pit bull just beat me down too much today.
Bucky

I think Bucky has a big enough following, Taylor's not going home, and some tone-deaf folks like Kellie, so I predict Lisa goes home. I wanna hear about your pickled suntan.

UPDATE: LOL, I left out Scrappy Doo. Lemme just add him...

Can't stop. Blame it on husband, he won't let me. And fingers, they just keep typing.

Anyway, Curtis is prepping the tactical teams, and Jack's pretending the horrible writers on this show didn't kill Tony.

Marty is trying to convince President Estrogen that the Veep is calculating to steal the nomination from Estro by suggesting this curfew thing. And that martial law and curfew would kill Logan politically. Estro is not listening, because he's a moron.

The new guy from DHS says hi to Chloe. She says, "Who are you?" "DHS." "I asked your name, not who you work for." Now he is telling Chloe that Edgar's dead, and he'll just use Deadgar's station. He asks for Chloe's keycard, and she says, "No! You can't have my keycard! That's what got this whole dead thing started, missing keycards! You're an idiot!" She has to give up the keycard anyway. I'll bet Chloe's the next to get killed, followed by Aaron, then Curtis. Might as well kill Jack while they're at it, too. But who gets to live while Palmer, Michelle, Tony, and Deadgar are dead? Audrey. Yeah, there's some justice.

Wayne Palmer calls Aaron and tells him that he has info for Aaron from David Palmer. "But dude, he's on another show now, how can he give me info? And there's a curfew!" Wayne says, "But yo, I left before the curfew, so it's ok that I'm out so late. Plus, my mom knows where I am. She says it's ok."

The half-neckid girl who looks like a man (Colette?) is putting on very uncomfortable boots that you know she's gonna break an ankle running in. I hope she breaks her face too.

Bill confronts the DHS lady (who also looks like a man) and tells her she's a liar and he knows she's there to shut down CTU and fire all his people. She says, "Yeah, but can you like, not tell anyone? Because that would really make people hostile. Especially that Chloe chick, I'm sure she's never hostile, but her psych profile says she could get there quick." And Bill says, "Why don't you go ask her to have chamomile tea? I'm sure she'd like that. Y'all can talk about Deadgar and Chloe's love for Jack."

Curtis and Jack and the tac team are at the half-neckid-man-girl's apartment. Her boyfriend freaks out and points a gun at Curtis. Turns out he's German intelligence and has been working on man-girl for info. She doesn't give that info to her booty call. Booty-Call's not going to give up his thing with Man-Girl, because she's connected to lots of terrorist cells and he really needs to track her and stuff. Jack ends up taking Booty-Call with him and offers to trade Colette in exchange for the U.S.'s wet list (if that's the real name of the list of terror suspects, whoever thought that up should be severely reprimanded).

Man-girl is meeting with He Who Killed Tony, Robocop.

Jack calls Chloe for the wet list, and she throws coffee on the guy working in Deadgar's spot so she can use his system to get the info. Jack gives the list to Booty-Call but asks for it it back until they can get Man-Girl into custody.

Jack and Booty-Call have a nice chat about dating women in the field.

DHS PowerHungryChick is furious that Chloe gave Jack the wet list. It must be super-wet, because everyone is Freaked Out!! DHSPHC calls Jack and says, "No you can't do it!" and Jack says, "Got's ta look out for my peeps in L.A. right now!" "But you'll jeopardize years of work and risk our agents! I'll tell on you and yell at you and kill you!" "Yeah, yeah, I'm already dead!"

So they bust Man-Girl, and when Booty-Call gets down the road with the wet list, it turns out that the wetness of the list fries the Sprint Treo when Booty-Call puts the card in. So Jack was smarter than DHSPHC gave him credit for.

BTW, Sean Callery this episode - fantastic job. I'm totally vibing with the music.

Interesting, Wayne got through the roadblock to the presidential compound, but apparently so did some super-bad guys who just flipped his car off the road and are trying to kill him. They work for... the Veep, maybe? Mike Novick?

So DHSPHC (whose name I am changing to Mr. F) says to Jack: "This immunity for Man-Girl, I don't like it!" Jack: "I don't like you!" So then when Jack tells Mr. F that he set the chip to self-destruct, she's like, "What? Durrr, like, why didn't you say so before? Durrrr." Jack says, "Well, Mr. F, I was in the car with Booty-Call, and I figured that wasn't info that I wanted to give him."

So Mr. F says ok on the immunity and gets Mike Novick to sign off on it, and Man-Girl tells Jack that her source on the schematic was someone at DOD named Audrey Raines. !!! So... WOMAN SCORNED! Did I mention the woman scorned thing before? And if this is true, it means I'm totally right about Chloe getting offed this season. It'll come down between saving Chloe and getting info from Audrey, and Jack will have to sacrifice Chloe. You watch. And if I'm wrong, well, the writers killed Tony (allegedly - I mean, really, why keep him around in a deep sleep for so many episodes just so he can get offed when he wakes up? That's just stupid.)

Next week on 24, they look for Robocop some more, there are canisters, Jack threatens Man-Girl that if she's lying he's gonna make this the worst day of her life. Jack's gonna call William Devane up and ask, "Hey, what'd you do to your kids when you raised them? Why'd they both turn out to be stupid and in bed with terrorists?" Robocop is going to ask if Wayne is dead yet, and they make it look like Aaron's searching for Wayne to kill him, and Wayne's got him under the gun, but really it'll all just be a big misunderstanding. And when Jack throws Audrey up against the wall and starts strangling her, Audrey will say, "Jack... We need to talk about our relationship... If you'd just talked to me about our relationship when you were dead, I wouldn't have done anything like this. But you told Chloe and not me, and I'm telling my dad if you hit me!"

Actually, it'll probably be a big copout fakeout. Someone else is using Audrey's name, blah blah blah. Who cares, anyway? Everyone else is dead, and Audrey lives. That's the true crime.

LOL! Ryan just said that tonight will have 12 songs from 12 of the best undiscovered talents. Um, best, Ryan? *cough* Kellie Pickler! *cough* Ace Young! *cough* Kevin Covais!

IDOLS 01... Ace is the first to sing tonight. He's singing "Do I Do". The first half wasn't as horribly out of tune. When he started walking into the crowd, that all changed. Dude. If you can't walk and sing at the same time, stay in one place, or do the seventh grade dance thing where you sway back and forth from foot to foot. Anyway, booooooring.

[NUMBER WITHHELD FOR ALL ETERNITY THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE]... Kellie Pickler is up next. "I'm not familiar with Stevie Wonder, in all honesty. I mean, I never seen a negro in person before! And he wears sunglasses all the time inside, which is really weird. Is that a brown people thang?" She's gonna sing "Blame it on the Sun". LOL, Stevie is such a nice guy! He totally just insulted the Earsore on the camera, but he said it in such a way that Earsore will never ever be able to look up all those big words in the dictionary (the what??) to understand his meaning. EVERYONE IS HEREBY COMMANDED TO SING STEVIE WONDER SONGS HEREAFTER EVERY WEEK ON THIS SHOW! He's my new favorite. Ok, here's the quote: "She sounds like she will have a lotta fun with it. I think that she'll have the right kind of spirit... to sing the song, if she works with her intonation... it'll be a pretty good delivery." Translation: "Dude, I'm struggling here. How do I say this nice? She's really out of tune, someone hit that girl with a tuning fork, quick. But hey, at least she'll look good singing it. Far as I know, anyway." Good grief, it's like Kim Bauer to the 14th power. Ok, all you people voting for her: Take in the performances with your eyes closed. She's not pretty enough to overlook the horrible vocals. This is boring and awful, even for her. And she has something in her eyes. Holy, how many times can you wink in one phrase? Who wants to bet she says she's sick tonight. Even Randy is calling it a non-event. She is soooo fake smiling right now, trying to keep herself from throwing the microphone at Randy. Finally, the judges have taken their meds, or stopped drinking their dinners, or turned on their hearing aids and given her a bad judging. Even Ryan can't be nice. All he can say is that Simon has no business insulting the way she looks. Oh well, Kellie, maybe you can go backstage and try to outsmart a sack of bricks. You might come in second! What a cartoon.

IDOLS 03... Elliott Yamin is next, and he is crying for real after meeting Stevie Wonder. Stevie likes Elliott. He's singing "Knocks Me Off My Feet". He has really good lungs and vocal chords. And they are shining blue lights on him, and it looks like his super-sheen hair is blue. This is pretty boring, but the vocals are good at least. And the ending is good. Speaking of good endings, tonight would be a really good night for Kellie to end her stay on my TV screen. One thing on Elliott... Please no more white jackets, you look like a waiter at a fancy restaurant. Next week, if you wear a cumberbund, or wear a towel over your arm, I'm out.

IDOLS 04... Mandisa says the judges are kinda hard to please tonight. Not so much, you could just sing your ABCs and be the best tonight. Stevie says she's right on pitch singing his song "Don't You Worry 'Bout a Thing". (He left out the part about, "Unlike that farm girl with the intonation problems and the fakey fakeness." Ryan has taken off Mandisa's horribly uncomfy shoes (because they were so cute that they had to be killing her!), so she's singing barefoot. She's awesome and actually doing her own thing with the song. The first non-boring song tonight. Woo! Oops, the Taylor in me escaped for a second. She looks great (I LOVE that necklace, and she does look great in black).

IDOLS 05... Bucky Covington is next. Thank goodness, someone finally combed that hair. Now if only we could get someone to shave that penciled-in mustache, I'd be happy. Loves Elvis. I'm out. He's singing "Superstitious", which I think is on one of our karaoke video games. Wow, his hair is so nice and fluffy and pretty now! He must use Garnier Fructis like me. That stuff rocks, Bucky, I hear ya. You know what it is about Bucky that will keep him from getting very far? He has a good voice, yes, and it's gravely, yes, but he's too quiet. It's almost like he's singing to himself in the back of an art history class so the professor won't hear it. Just not a strong voice. The performance was fine, but eh. He looks good, though. That color is good on him. Shave the smudge! Bad Simon! He just insulted the finally-combed hair! And Bucky faux-pased by blaming the stylist. Shame.

IDOLS 06... Melissa McGhee is next. Haha, Melissa is wearing an "Everyone Loves a Brunette" shirt. I wonder if she and miss "Everyone Loves a Blonde" Earsore went shopping together, or if she's frontin'. She's singing "Lately". Melissa has a good voice. Ouch, a few bad notes in there. I thought it was a bit boring, but not nearly as boring as Kellie (and way more in tune).

IDOLS 07... Lisa Tucker is singing "Signed, Sealed, Delivered". Wow, this is a first. She's a bit out of tune tonight, very surprising. I don't know why, because Lisa has a great voice and a pretty good presence, but she's very forgettable to me. Every week, I don't think about her until they announce she's singing, and I go, "Oh yeah! Her! I forgot about her." That's a very bad sign. This was very forgettable until the last phrase, which was good. Hmm, Randy's talking about how most of the Stevie songs tonight have sounded very karaoke. Wonder why. Who picks the themes? Not SarahK.

Have I mentioned how happy I am that Earsore has already sung, so I'm not dreading her coming up? Then again, Ryan just said that the Kindergartener is next.

IDOLS 08... Scrappy Doo is the worst of the guys for sure. Thank goodness they did something with his hair, though. Kevin is trying to push the myth that he's a sex symbol, and he's really, truly going to butcher "Part-Time Lover". "Kevin had a very interesting kind of voice. Kevin brought a great sense of fun to the song. Little Kevin!" That sure sounds like an Earsore review by Stevie Wonder. He's horrible. My ears hurt. My eyes hurt. My SOUL hurts. It's funny when the judges keep stressing "You sang in tune, and you sang in tune, and wow, like, you sang in tune. I can't believe it. You sang in tune." And that's from Paula and Randy, who apparently wore the earplugs tonight. Ugh, did I mention my SOUL hurts?? Hurts bad.

IDOLS 09... Katharine McPhee. So excited about Stevie Wonder. Don't worry, Katharine, everyone else has to sing a Stevie song too. This time, though, you didn't choose to have a horrible song choice. She's singing "Until You Come Back to Me". Someone hit her in both her eyes, and she stole one of June Carter's dresses for tonight's performance. She looks so pregnant tonight, and she's already said that she's not, but after this dress, I'm not sure I'm buying that... Why wear a '70s maternity dress if you're not preggers? BTW, she reminds me, in her mannerisms, of Jennifer Garner. Has that same kind of tomboyish-giggly-fake-sweet thing going on. Like "Whoops, am I talented? I had no idea! Look, I broke my shoe! Whoops, I fake-tripped at the Oscars so I could say I do my own stunts!" Anyway, she has a really great voice. But this was amazingly boring tonight. She's playing it safe every single night, and she's pretty much lost me. Two words: Ruben Studdard. I only even remember his name because I was so fed up with him never taking a chance and singing for real. Good grief, could you sing like you're in the shower, or on the open road with no one around? Pretend no one's listening and sing. *eye roll*

IDOLS 10... Taylor Hicks is singing "Living for the City". He's the winner of the Captain Tightpants award tonight. Someone dressed him in Scrappy Doo's pants. Whoa, he's not wooing. Has he even woo'd once? This is a very strong, soulful vocal... The dancing is getting out of control, and we're about to agree that I'll just listen with my eyes closed from here on out. The singing was great, though. Incredibly soulful. Best of the night, hands down. Simon, stop calling him old! He's my age! The Drunken Dad Who Can Sing. TDDWCS. Whoops, one of the stylists wants to change his hair color. Please, y'all, not Elvis-black. I'll barf if y'all do that to Taylor. Just leave it alone.

IDOLS 11... Paris is singing "All I Do". She was good, but it sounded like all one note. A great D or D-flat or something like that, but all the same note. Fairly bland. And Paula calls her "seasoned". No, Paula, I said bland, which is the opposite of seasoned. Maybe it's the pink jacket. It hurts my pupils.

IDOLS 12... Chris will be singing last tonight. Nuh-uhhhh. Did they take away his soul-patch? Or did he shave it while mourning the death of Soul-Patch Tony, who could be dead for reals on 24. Fox, you're killing me. No wait, the soul-patch is alive and kicking, they just took off all the smudges. Whew, I was gonna be sad. This is really good. Whoa, was that a super-out-of-tune phrase there? It was weird, I don't know what to think. Anyway, he's fantastic, a complete natural performer. Yay.

So the order tonight...

Chris*
Taylor*
Mandisa*
Paris
Elliott
Katharine
Lisa
Melissa
Bucky
Ace
Scrappy Doo (that's Kevin, for the light of wit)
Kellie Fakeler

My prediction. Wow, it's hard, because Kellie was so horrible that people might be willing to overlook the hot factor and not vote for her. But Scrappy is such a joke... And Melissa just eeked into the top 12. I'ma go with Kellie and pray real hard.

So now there are 2 safe zones. CTU director's office, holding room 4, situation room, medical. So that sounds like 4 safe zones, but who's counting when Edgar's dead. And that must mean Tony's fine, and if he's the other one that dies tonight, I'm done with the show. Tony, Chloe, Curtis, Jack. Anyone else, go ahead and kill 'em. But those four... beware the wrath of SarahK.

Jack wants to know if Robo's still alive. Chloe is watching her best friend being dead. That makes him Deadger. Jack asks for Chloe's help, and Chloe is fairly unresponsive. Give that girl an M4 and a terrorist.

Darnit, I just threw my drink all over me. I must be sad about Deadgar and crack whores.

Kim's evil boyfriend is trying to "help" Chloe to get her out of shock at seeing her best friend die. Chloe's sad she treated Deadger like crap all day (when doesn't she treat everyone like crap? She should feel good about that!).

Lynn's saying this is his fault, because someone used his keycard to get in. THAT'S RIGHT, MIKEY, IT'S YOUR FAULT IF WE LOSE THE GOONDOCKS! No one really cares about L.A. (except my sis-in-law and Frank's aunt Helen and such), but we all care about the Goondocks.

Red-shirt security guard: "So we're all gonna die because you were embarrassed [that your sister beat you up and stoled your keycard]."

Tony's just put the doctor in the CTU ward to sleep. And he wants to kill Robocop. He's really ticked about Michelle. Jack is bustin' in on comms and is trying to talk Tony out of killing Robocop, since we need him and all.

Tony tells Jack to hurry up, because he just doesn't know how long he can keep from killing the man who killed his wifey.

Back at the DHS, the Veep is asking how CTU could have been hit. 40% of CTU's personnel have been taken out. Logan is worried about how they're gonna fight the nerve gas threat. This DHS lady is saying she can go in and neutralize stuff and take over.

The terrorists have a new target and are glad that CTU is momentarily subdued.

Oh, and Jack is trying to get Chloe to help, and she's a little traumatized, and Barry (the evil) is telling Jack that Jack's a meanie. Jack's like, Dude, if we had time for your psychobabble, I'd totally be for it, but we don't have time, so step back before I kick your pinkytoe. BTW, you took advantage of my daughter.

Kim's like, "Barry's my only reason to live," and Chloe's like, "You people sicken me. Fine. I'll get back to y'all if you'll just SHUT UP!"

So the nerve gas is mixed with a corrosive agent that's eating through the walls or something, and they've got mega-warnings that say they're all gonna die. SLICK SHOES? ARE YOU CRAZY?

Back at the compound, Martha's mad that the Veep is making policy because President Estro can't make a decision to save his life. Mike Novick tells Martha to use her influence on Estro. "Bake him a cake. He really likes cake."

Bill says everyone's safe except for that corrosion that's gonna let the gas in. Bill says something about flushing the Centox out of the areas before they all die. Audrey wants to believe the numbers are off. Jack wants to blame himself that Kim might die from nerve gas. Chloe's all business and looking for solutions. Some program is keeping all of them hostage, because they're gonna die if the program keeps them un-ventilated.

Long story short: Nerve gas and bad ventilation: everyone dies. Good ventilation and fixing stuff: everyone lives. Except someone.

Chloe reminds Jack not to screw up going thru the ventilation system, or he'll kill them all. "Thanks, Chloe, I was really happy about having a picnic later."

Kim tells Chloe not to talk down to her. "Why not? I always talk down to idiots." Barry says everyone breathe. Chloe says, "What's up with Barry and the breathing? Is that his solution for everything?"

Jack gets thru something that keeps him from inhaling gas. Lynn is in holding room 4, which is connected to the room that Jack needs to get to. If Lynn can get to the room above the holding room, he can save them all. Jack tells them that Lynn and the redshirt are gonna die to save everyone.

Yay, it's Lynn that's gonna die! "No firmen! No firmen!" Yay! Mikey can save us all with his marble bag! Have I ever mentioned that Goonies is my all-time favorite movie? It really is.

Kim apologizes to Chloe so they can have a moment. Chloe tells Kim that everything she passed onto Jack was about Kim. Chloe: "Yeah, well shrinks are always giving advice that they prob'ly don't follow." Kim: "How are you doing?" "Oh, I'm great. Woke up with a guy I'll prob'ly never see again, but you know. All in a day's work. Later, I'll have chamomile tea with Audrey."

The redshirt is talking to his daughter on the phone, telling her to mind her mommy. Lynn is rushing him, because it's time to get moving and sacrifice themselves. Chloe thanks Lynn for saving everyone, and he and the redshirt go off to save everyone. Lynn runs upstairs and fixes the system so that the corrosive stuff is no longer corroding stuff. Jack comes on over the intercom and tells Lynn and the redshirt that they're heros. The redshirt breathes and thinks he's ok, but then he dies. Lynn holds on not breathing as long as he can and then dies, in the arms of One-Eyed Willie. But thank you, Mikey, you saved the Goondocks! BTW, that looks like a super-painful way to die.

Tony and the doc are in the infirmary with Robo. No progress.

Chloe is working the problem, but her team is dead, so it's kinda hard for her.

Jack wants Kim to get checked out by medical when the barriers are lifted. Kim says she can't be around Jack even though he loves her and she loves him. It looks like Kim is gonna leave for good, and yay! Can't say that hurts SarahK's feelings.

Audrey grabs Jack's hand from behind and asks if they can talk about their feelings. "No. Woman, can't you get a grip?" "But Jack... we need to talk about our relationship..." Jack sighs and wishes he'd killed himself to save everyone else.

Estro and the gang are talking, and Estro is trying to say that martial law is super-fantastic! After all, says George Clooney, Hollywood is ahead of everyone on the issue of martial law. And all of the world is so grateful to have George Clooney. Bluuuurgh. Sorry, the tilapia was so good going down, but coming up, it had Clooney. Yuck.

Some prostitute's phone is ringing, and some John is pressing her. Prostitute promises to have the info in a few minutes. This is half-neckid Coletta. Not Neckid Mandy like alla ya's were hoping.

Meanwhile Karen Hayes from DHS is calling Bill to tell him that she's coming to take over. All of CTU's stuff has been transferred to DHS's laptops. CTU is no longer operational. And DHS is in full control. They're gonna fire CTU staff and replace them with DHS peeps. Hmm, something crazy's gonna happen.

Evil Barry (C. Thomas Howell) stops to thank Jack for being awesome, and Jack says Barry should take care of Kim.

Tony tells Jack that Robo is going to die now at Tony's hands. Jack says "d---it!" like always, and Tony knocks out the other guy in the room who's not already in a coma. Tony's about to jab a giant needle in Robocop's chest when Robo wakes up, jabs the needdle in Tony's chest and injects Tony with whatever. Tony is dying. Jack shows up to save Tony. Tony doesn't care about living because Michelle is gone. Robo has Tony's gun and has properly checked it for magazines and ammo

If Tony is dead, I'm done with this show. The good news is, there's a boop-beep at the end of the show, so Tony shouldn't actually be dead.

Next week, there's a pansy president who institutes a curfew in L.A., a power-hungry woman, no sign of Tony (which probably means he's not dead), a helicopter, and Curtis.

BTW, I like the stage this year. I like the overlooks and whatnot. But this is the last night for that location, right? Don't they go to a bigger venue?

Anyway, the girls. The first girl to go isn't Lisa or Melissa or Ayla. It's Kinnik. She's a really talented singer, and she seems genuinely nice, I wish her well. She looks pretty. I can't believe I like that dress, because I usually wouldn't, but I actually like it. BTW, Ryan's bitter that Simon got the best of him with the jibes last night, because he doesn't even want to let Simon speak tonight. Come on, suck it up, Ryan. It'll be ok.

Minerva is sleeping adorably on the back of the sofa, and Sydney is watching American Idol.

Gedeon has one of the best personalities of any AI contestant ever. "God bless everyone." He's such a nice boy. So for the boys, Will is the first one to go. And like Kinnik, his problem was always song choice. And that shirt he's wearing with the what are those? Magnolias? Gardenias? LOL, our DVR froze right when he sang "I wanna stop." He was better on that song tonight than last night, but it's still not an AI song.

Top 6 girls:
Paris is safe.
Katharine is safe.
Someone claw my ears off for me, Kellie's in the top 12. No surprise.
Mandisa, my girl. She's safe, and Simon gets his wish for her to sing on a bigger stage. Bad gaucho pants wearer, though!
Lisa is in the top 12.
So it's down to Ayla and Melissa. Melissa is sure she's going home, Ayla doesn't know what to think.
And after the break, Melissa is in the top 12!
And Ayla is going home for 2 reasons: 1) song choice was horrible Tuesday night. 2) Kellie Pickler is blonde and hot. Ayla's one of the more talented girls, but it just didn't work out for her. Best of luck to her.

Top 6 guys:
Taylor's in.
Ace is in (maybe he and Kellie will sing in the same segment, and I'll just skip it altogether).
Chris is in.
Kevin is in. *sigh* Is America even listening??
The Brittenum twins are in the audience. Why?
So it's to Gedeon and it's to Bucky. I really think Gedeon's got the pipes. I really expected Kevin to be gone. I can't watch. Gedeon is the more talented.
Expletive deleted, Gedeon's going home. He's still smiling. "It's by the blood of Jesus I'm saved." I really like this kid. He asked America to pray for him. You got it, bud. I'm going to miss him. And for the record, I did vote for him.

I did not call this one. I was right on the girls, but the guys I missed completely.

I've gotta say. I'm LOVING the song they play at the end of elimination night this year. "Bad Day" by Daniel Powter. Wasn't it on Scrubs one night?

I don't know if it's God that hates me, or if it's the AI producers. Maybe Simon, because I'm NOT a fan of his naughty mink. I got an email from Cadet Happy when we were about 40 minutes in, laughing his pinkytoe off that it was Stevie Wonder night next week. I'd hoped he was just messing with me.

But no. Next week is Stevie Wonder night. And next week, every single contestant will get "Song Choice" as the main part of their critique. No one will have a good song choice.

Frank wants my prediction for who will be the first of the top 12 to go. It'll be the person who picks "My Cherie Amour", unless that's Taylor, because he's pretty much the only one who can pull it off. If they do "Ebony and Ivory" for the group song, and all the white people sing the ebony part and all the black people sing the ivory part, I'm SO done with this show. I'm tempted to be done with this show merely because of Stevie Wonder night. I predict it'll be in the bottom 3 of all AI shows ever. Along with Gloria Estefan night and Barry Manilow night.

All things being equal, Bucky goes first.

IDOLS 01... Gedeon is going first tonight. He likes to paint. He talks very deliberately, I wonder if that is on purpose. I really like Gedeon. I first sighed when he started singing "When a Man Loves a Woman", but it could be a good wailing song, so I'm gonna listen. I'm so fair-minded like that. Ok, the first phrase was choppy and off-key, but after that it was very good. He has good pipes and great stage presence. I'll vote for that. Doesn't Simon always use "odd" to describe Gedeon? I can't fault him that, because I will now always use "Mr. F" to describe Kellie Pickler.

IDOLS 02... Chris was styling his hair like Ryan Seacrest a couple years ago, then when he started losing it, he started shaving it. He's singing "Broken" by Seether. Kind of a softer side of Chris. He has so much talent. I love to listen to him, and he's a great performer. I'm voting for Chris, as always.

IDOLS 03... Kevin Covais. I think this is going to be his last night, as he just squeaked by last week. He's singing "Vincent (Starry Starry Night)" by Don Maclean. It's a great song, one of Frank's favorites, but he was boring. He's not doing anything for me anymore. Paula is hugging herself. And someone is having microphone issues. It's true what Simon said about it being like watching puppies play. It's cute, but after about 30 seconds, your like, hey! Let's watch our new Harry Potter DVD instead!

Taylor met Christopher Cross. Cool.

IDOLS 04... Oh, I just started clapping, because Bucky is gonna sing "Wave on Wave" by Pat Green. I hope this is good, I'm so excited! Ok, where are his backup vocals? They're way too quiet. But he's doing a good job, it's just too quiet. I don't know if it's because he just doesn't have that strong a voice, or if it was a bad arrangement... If I'm telling the truth, it was good karaoke. I know, I know, I like him too, but that was just ok. Bucky has a twin brother. You know, Bucky has such a nice smile, I hate to see him go. Maybe he'll make it through.

IDOLS 05... Will Makar. He's studying Japanese. He's singing "How Sweet It Is" by the wonderful James Taylor. What is going on tonight with the music? Everything is so quiet. Are they having sound troubles, or are they just not arranging the songs well this week? He wasn't bad, but he wasn't great. It was pretty boring, and that's one of those songs that's not good for American Idol, but there are still some James Taylor songs that I would be ok with on the show. So far, Frank and I are still waiting to be blown away tonight. Paula just gave him a room key (allegedly), and Simon said it was average. I have to agree with that.

IDOLS 06... Taylor is dressed like an Easter bunny for his pre-singing clip. He used to play one in the mall. He's got such a good feeling about him, you know? He's doing "Takin' It To the Streets" by Doobie Brothers / Michael McDonald. WOO! Holy, I'm gonna have to start watching him with my eyes closed. WOO! He gets really lost in the music, no? WOO! Frank's laughing, I'm perplexed. WOO! The singing was great. WOO! The sound is awful tonight. WOO! The dancing was ... interesting. Oh dear. WOO! He was what we were waiting for tonight. WOO!

IDOLS 07... Elliott Yamin. Wow, that's impressive. He sings so well with 95% hearing loss in one ear. Kudos. He's singing "Heaven", which I know as a Bryan Adams song, but someone probably remade it. I loved it when Bryan Adams did it. I would have liked for him to do much more with that song, but he was solid, once again. Look, Paula just spilled her vodka. Waiter! Simon's right, it wasn't his best. But it was good.

IDOLS 08... Ace Young. Ace is a handyman in Hollywood. Tonight he is trying to be Justin Timberlake singing "Butterflies" by Michael Jackson. My first impression is of those jeans. From far away they look like '80s tightpants. Dear Ace, We get that you can sing an entire song in falsetto. Please stop doing that. My goodness, he just doesn't do anything for me. He did a good job, but ugh. If I want to hear JT, I'll pull out my 'NSYNC CDs or my JT CD.

In order of tonight's performance (and y'all give me a break. It's not my fault that Will always picks the wrong song, and it's not my fault that Ace made a bigger impression than Bucky tonight, because believe me, it's hard for me to put Ace above Bucky):

Taylor*
Gedeon*
Chris*
Elliott*
Ace
Bucky
Will
Kevin

My predictions for tomorrow night: Bo Bice will perform. I think Will and Kevin should go home, but I think it will be Bucky and Kevin. I think Kellie and Kinnik should go home based on last night, but I think it will be Kinnik and Ayla, and Melissa will be on the bubble. Because people seem to think that Kellie's hotness equals vocal talent.

I wanna hear about your spinach salad.

IDOLS 01... Paris Bennet is singing Gloria Estefan. For someone so talented, she sure knows how to be a tranquilizer. Tonight I was at Curves, and "Conga" came on. I thought, "If I work out hard enough and breathe hard enough and make those hydraulics squeak loud enough, I won't have to hear this song." If only I'd known someone would be singing it on AI, I would have stolen a machine and brought it home for just this moment. I even would have brought that ghastly down-pressing-shoulder-thingy that I've pulled muscles on twice. Vocally, it wasn't very good. She was boring. I'm losing my faith in Paris.

IDOLS 02... Lisa Tucker plays a little electric guitar. Good for her. She's singing "Here in the Dark". Fairly boring, but not as boring as Paris was. She owned it better, though. She's so talented.

Simon apparently took his happy juice tonight. Yes, Ryan is correct. Lisa is likeable. However, Simon has been wrong on who's likeable, because he really thinks Kellie is.

IDOLS 03... Melissa McGhee. She's singing Heart, which is always a good choice. "What About Love". She did a good job, is the best so far tonight. I don't know what's up with Simon, because she was really good. I think Simon has already picked his top 6, and she wasn't in it coming into tonight, so he's not going to promote her. One thing I'll say about her: definitely an alto, not even high enough for a soprano 2. That's not a bad thing, it's just not usually who you hear in the charts. Usually you've got second sopranos, and a few first sopranos. In case y'all are wondering, I'm a second soprano. Anyway, I'm voting for her tonight.

Katharine McPhee is not quitting AI and is not pregnant with Kevin Covais's baby.

IDOLS 04... Kinnik Sky is singing this horrible Alicia Keys song, "If I Ain't Got You". I never heard it until I auditioned in Vegas (for AI 4), and everyone was auditioning with this song. Two girls on my Southwest flight from Albuquerque sang this over the intercom, and this is before I ever got to Vegas, so by the time I even got there, I loooooathed this song. Like more than everyone started loathing "My Heart Will Go On" by the time Celine got around to singing it at the Oscars. So I'm not happy before she even starts. Anyway, I like Kinnik, but this was really bad. She really was offkey for most of the song. Too bad, I think she's going home.

IDOLS 05... Katharine McPhee, who loves Barbra Streisand, Kellie Pickler, and Stevie Wonder. Three of my favorite things! Her "smoldering" look she speaks of is more of a sweet look, but whatever. She's singing "Think" by Aretha Franklin. Ok, gut check here. She was good. But seriously, Diana DeGarmo did that better in season 3. Frank thinks she was the best so far, and I think she was good but not great. I don't know if I'll vote for her or not. I have to think about it.

Frank is super-impressed with Ryan's apparent accelerating of the wit. He's much faster with the comebacks these days.

IDOLS 06... Ayla Brown. Her dad sounds like Elvis she says. Poor child, she should win just based on the torture she's had to deal with over the years. What a beating for your dad to sound like Elvis. Blech. BTW, what in the syllable-elongated-heck is she singing. I'm picturing Dr. Cox asking that same question. And what is she wearing? Bloomers? Re: the performance. This is awful. "Unwritten" by Natasha Bedingfield, and yes, I had to google that. Ok, that was bad. She might have opened the door for Melissa to take the 6th spot. I really liked her until now, but she does not get my vote tonight. But that's a hard no-vote, because her dad's a Republican, so I feel like I should support her. I just can't get behind her tonight.

IDOLS 07... Mandisa... She sucked her thumb until she was 24. LOL, her poor mother. Oh dear. She's doing Chaka Khan. Let's hope it's not "I Feel For You". Ok, good, it's "I'm Every Woman". She did a fantastic job, and she's wearing brown (you know I love that). Of course I'll vote for her, she's the best of all the women. PLUS SHE'S JUST SO STINKING ADORABLE! I just love that personality.

IDOLS 08... Why they would let Kellie Pickler (Mr. F) go last is just beyond me. She's way too awful to go last. BTW, make sure to listen to the next IMAO Podcast, where you'll hear my interview with the (perhaps fake) Kellie Pickler. It should be out tomorrow sometime. She's showing that her dog is even smarter than her, and he can't even fetch. She's singing "I'm the Only One" by Bonnie Raitt. Know what that means? If she can't handle this 3-note song, she should be banned from singing forever. Wait, can we ban her anyway? "In Hollywood they have something called baseball. I don't know what that is, but they say it's as American as apple pie! And I'm like, what's that?" Holy cow, she shocked me tonight. She only missed 3 or 4 notes! That's gotta be a personal best for her. Not good enough to vote for, but better than she's ever been. P.S. If her accent were any more southern she'd be speaking another language. Mr. F.

Oh my goodness, Simon is smoking Paula's crack pipe tonight. Kellie is a naughty little minx, and he kinda prefers her to Carrie Underwood? Why, because Carrie has brain cells? Because Carrie can actually hit all the notes in a song? Because Carrie uses hand gestures at appropriate moments? Because Carrie has a wonderful voice? I'm just stunned that Simon is so tone-deaf this year. And so blonded by Kellie. Mr. F. "I'm a mink!"

HOLY CRAP! SHE STOLE MY LINE! I'M NOT KIDDING Y'ALL, I ALREADY WROTE MY INTERVIEW FOR THE PODCAST, AND SHE REALLY HAD SAL-MON, PRONOUNCED IT WRONG AND EVERYTHING. AND IN MY INTERVIEW, SHE'S REALLY SHOCKED THAT A SAL-MON STEAK WASN'T MADE OF BEEF. DOGGONE, I CAN CALL THEM. I can't believe she ruined my sketch. I'll probably keep it in the podcast anyway. Man, if I'd released it this morning, y'all would be laughing your butts off now. Bad SarahK.

Tony is awake! EEEEEEEE! Did you hear me smiling out loud? Tony's asking for Michelle, because he doesn't know she's dead. "Bill, can you get a message to Michelle? Tell her I'm ok?" "I would, Tony, but I don't have a ouija board handy. I'll just say that her condition is stable. And will be stable forever."

Everybody shhhhh! Aaron is going to speak! There are the Suvarovs, in one piece. Martha is crying, and Aaron is all business. Wuh-oh, Marty told Aaron that President Estro knew about the attack and let it happen. I hope Aaron goes all-business on Estro.

Terrorist guy is ordering a lackey to make sure everything is set, and then they're checking on the key card. Yeah, 'cause Rudy's sister's boyfriend beat him up and stole it and is using it to cut cocaine.

Estro is talking in hindsight about what a sucky president he is. Thanks for the newsflash.

Jack's calling to tell that he got duped. Chloe's hacked into Robocop's computer and found his address for Jack. Robo is calling Argentina to get access to his safety deposit box.

Curtis has found a schematic on one of the dead terrorists that Aaron killed. They're hoping it's the next attack's locale. I hope they figure out that it's CTU.

Soul-patch Tony has had enough of no one telling him that Michelle is dead. So he's like screw this, I'm getting out of bed and finding out myself. Bill finds him at a computer, where Tony is accessing Michelle's file to find out that she's deceased. Which totally sucks, by the way. I hate the writers! If I find out y'all killed Michelle to make way for a Soul Patch-Neckid Mandy love affair, I'm gonna be so mad. And I'll be even madder if it turns out that Kim dumps Chase for Tony, because my mind's eye can't handle those visualizations. Bleh.

Estro is meeting a helicopter (Marine 1?) that's carrying Martha and Aaron back from the wreckage. Martha is giving Estro that "don't you dare touch me ever again" look, and he's totally frightened. The Suvarovs are ticked, and the Russian president is not happy with Estro's poor security. Estro's asking for his cooperation and intelligence (God knows Logan doesn't have any of his own), and Suvarov mentions that Martha's been acting funny. Estro, of course, says she's nuts, and Suvarov storms off. I don't think S. believes Estro.

Mikey is asking Bill to let him call his sister, and wow, what for? So she can bring him another quarter-pounder? Because Mikey has eaten about 30 quarter-pounders since the previous episode and will soon be forced to do the truffle shuffle if he wants to go through any doors (really, it's a major swelling in the last week). Here's hoping he doesn't break his mom's most favorite piece.

His sister wants to give him back the keycard, but her class-act boyfriend wants to sell it for 20 Gs to the highest bidder. And that terrorist guy who's coming to collect the keycard and kill the sister and boyfriend (right, like he's gonna let them live) -- he's been on ALIAS at least once, and I'm thinking more than once. I wanna say he played a guy named Yuri, but I couldn't be sure.

Anyway, Evelyn won't let Estro into see Marty. "She specifically told me that if any pansy Frenchmen come looking for her, I should spray them with teargas and stomp on their faces with my stiletto heels. Back away from the door, because I'm sure she was describing you." Of course, Evelyn still hasn't told Marty why Walt felt her up several episodes back. "Woops, I told him to."

What a girl. He can't even handle a woman, how can he be expected to handle a terrorist? Frank says women are worse than terrorists. Well that's true, but we're also prettier. Worth it.

There's a hospital that matches the schematics that CTU is looking at, and there is a terrorist setting up a canister at a hospital. He's super sneaky and wheeling the nerve gas in under a gurney.

Jack is breaking into Robocop's house.

Curtis is giving the hospital the skinny and is on his way to help. The guy in charge doesn't seem to be in a huge hurry, I wonder if he's involved.

Jack's talking to Robo's wife now, and she's quite sure he won't shoot her. Yeah? I shot my ex-girlfriend, I can shoot you too. He's at Robo's computer, and Chloe's on the line.

Aaron goes to see Martha, and they've decided to run away together. No wait. She's just thanking him for saving her life. No wait! She grabbed his hand! And Mike came in to destroy the nice moment. He wants to inform Martha that Estro really wants to talk to her. Marty's like, "So? I'm due for a pedicure soon. Pencil him in for never, mkay?" And Mike leaves, and Aaron's chasing after him going, "But nothing happened!" and Mike is going, "Make sure it doesn't!" and Aaron's going, "But she's so awesome, and she's married to that Brokeback twit, and why can't I quit her??"

Curtis is at the hospital, and there are ICU patients who can't be moved. Why isn't Rico Suave wearing his gas mask? I would be much more comfortable if he were. The evil gurney terrorist is calling his boss and telling him that they're evacuating the hospital and his boss is like, "Die if you have to. As long as I get my posh condo on the beach, and you kill a bunch of people, I have no preference whether you live or die."

Man. When there's not much Audrey, there's not much to make fun of. Estro is a one trick pony. "Wah wah wah!" That's about all he does.

Bill and Audrey are on the phone with Estro and Mike. Jack is trying to convince Robo's wife that Robo's bad. "Why do you hate him so much?" "Hmm, I dunno, he tried to make my internal organs external today. Tried to kill me even though I'm already dead like 3 times... I don't hate him. Love the sinner, hate the sin."

And Rico Suave is still walking through the hospital without a gas mask. They think they have a 20 on the hostile. Look at me with my cop talk. I think I got that from CSI Miami.

Rico just shot some guy dressed in hosptial whites. What, just because he had a gun? That's prejudice! Finally, Rico put his gas mask on, and they've found the armed canister. It looks bad, like it could go off.

Interesting. I'm only moments away from a new X-Men trailer. Lovely how they make a commercial that's about an upcoming commercial. "In a minute, we're going to show you an ad. You watch it!"

Chloe is in ready-to-snap mode. She's even got tears, and she's very frantic. This should be fun.

Jack has Robo at gunpoint with his disbelieving wife. Jack shows wifey all the money in Robo's briefcase, and she's so surprised! Bad hubby! Tell him what he wants to know! He doesn't, and Jack shoots wifey in the leg. "Jack, you shot me! Why didn't you shoot him, he's the terrorist!" "I thought he would love you, but he doesn't. My bad! Here's some cloth! Hold it there to stop the bleeding! Sorry about shooting you!"

Rico and his team get the canister to a containment unit with 2 seconds left! Whew, that was close! I can't believe they cut it so close!

And Mikey's sister and her boyfriend are killed by the terrorist who want's MIkey's keycard. Those stinking Fratellis! Let this be a lesson: drugs are bad!

That's the end of the first hour. A very action-packed power hour!

And 6 p.m. has graphic violence!

The terrorist guy who shot Mikey's sister picks up his casings and checks out the keycard in his SUV. Man, SUVs can do anything!

Ah crap. Kim Bauer has shown up at CTU. What a beating this will be: Kim and Audrey together in the same scenes. Time to gouge out my eyes. Jack tells Audrey to tell Kim that he's alive. And now we find out that Chase has left Kim, and Kim's with someone named Barry. And Audrey tells Kim, and Kim looks like a martyr. Oh yay, it'll be just like ALIAS, where all the chicks are martyrs. I just can't wait!

Ah, and we meet the vice president. WHICH MEANS ESTRO'S GONNA DIE OR RESIGN! Why else would we need to meet the vice president? And the Veep is giving revised estimates of the casualties. 400K is his estimate, and he wants to institute preemptive martial law. And you know, in California, they don't have guns. So it's not like they can riot, so why not do it? I mean, they can riot, but pounding their fists won't do much.

Jack arrives at CTU with Robo, who tells Jack that he'll be opening another whole box of Pandora's if he investigates what's up.

Yuri is at CTU, and Sydney Bristow is not around to pour her drink all over him. He gains access with the keycard, and the beep and boop take us to commercial.

Jack comes into the command center, and Audrey turns a cartwheel heading toward him. Whiney tells Jack where Kim is, and that she has a new boyfriend. Jack goes to see Kim, and his boyfriend fronts Jack. And Kim goes on and on about Barry, her new beau, whom I do not trust.

Terrorist Yuri is in CTU and headed toward the ventilation system. Well, I just didn't see that one coming! Just like I didn't expect the sun to rise in the morning! And Soul Patch Tony is talking to Bill, and you just KNOW that Tony's gonna totally kick some pinkytoe later when it matters.

Audrey tells Jack that Barry was Kim's psychologist. That Kim, she just can't catch a break, because you know Barry was just after her to find out if Jack was alive. I wonder if Barry likes cougars.

Jack tells an extra to start Robo on some lie-detecting procedures, and Robo is so nervous about having to tell the truth. I hope he's able to cope.

There's another commercial for the commercial. Just do it already and pat yourselves on the back. If you don't know how, ask Clooney for tips.

So now Martha goes for a smoke, and Mike comes to talk to her. He tells her that Estro needs her, prayed for her, etc. She tells him cut the crap and tell me what you want. He tells her about the martial law idea and says she should try to influence the president in a different direction. Well, at least Novick knows how to appeal to higher authorities (women).

Yuri is shutting down the ventilation system, and Carrie is very suspicious of the flag sent up by the environmental system. She brings it up with Edgar, who tells her to leave him alone. She puts on her red shirt and heads off to get dead.

Martha goes to see the president. I hope it's so she can punch him in the face, or borrow some estrogen from him. But man, she's actually forgiving him and telling him to get back to work. What a disappointment.

Carrie sees the canister, dials her phone, and gets stabbed in the back by that backstabbing Yuri. Bad backstabber!

The X-Men commercial isn't even HD-enhanced. How lame for a commercial that advertised itself twice.

Back to the show. The nerve gas is going off in 15 minutes, and we're 17 minutes from the end of the show. What timing!

Kim comes to see Chloe, surprised that Chloe still works there. Chloe blows off Kim, and Kim asks if Chloe knew about Jack. Chloe rants about how everyone who knew is either dead, injured, or her. So cut Jack some slack, will ya?

Bill tells Mikey that his sister is dead. Mikey freaks out about his keycard, and Bill calls Chloe to see if it's been used. It has, and she locks down CTU. Jack is in with Robo when the alarms start sounding. Jack goes looking for a terrorist, and can we please see Soul Patch in action?

So they see the guy on the monitors, but they can't find Carrie, because she's kinda dead. Yuri grabs a red shirt security guard and is using him to get out of CTU. Meanwhile, the alarms are going off, and can someone please shut those stupid things off? Red shirt is dead, and Jack is on his way to find Yuri. Jack sees the radio missing off the red shirt and chatters falsely with Bill so Yuri will fall into Jack's trap. Jack kills Yuri, Edgar lingers looking for Carrie and sees Carrie dead, and the gas goes off.

People start dropping like flies, they seal off 3 rooms and get most people into the sealed rooms, but some can't make it, and Edgar is locked out. Edgar is dead, Chloe is crying, I am crying. Oh Edgar.

Goodnight.

Next week, someone else will die trying to get everyone out of CTU. I hope it's Lynn. No offense, I love Sean Astin, but I do not love his character, and it's all his fault that Edgar is dead.

And the 20 are singing "Love the One You're With." Oh, but I do! He's the sweetest, and the cutest, and I love him the best! Ok, so what is Paris wearing, and same for Mandisa? I totally dig Melissa's camo pants, though.

Hmm, the ones whose song choice was sooo awful this week: sang Stevie Wonder.

Yay, it's Carrie Underwood! She really seems like a good, nice person. And I love the "Jesus Take the Wheel" song, and I love that she can sing it on this show. Carrie looks absolutely fabulous. She is so beautiful. I love the dress (though I'd love it more with sleeves), I love her hair, I love everything about her voice. I honestly believe she's going to be at the top of country for a very long while. Oh, and there's the little clone up in the rafters singing along, every word. Except she's so fake that you know she's like the 4th clone of the 4th clone and can't hit any of those notes that Carrie sings.

Girls first: Kinnik is in the bottom 3, as I expected. And she really sounded good tonight on that group song. Darnit, Kellie is safe. I may start calling her Jasmine. Or Jaskellie. Or Kellmine. Anyway, so Brenna is also in the bottom 3, as expected. Heather is also in the bottom 3.

Ok, so I think Heather and Brenna should go, but I think it will be Heather and Kinnik.

Wow, I'm wrong! Oh, I'm so glad about Brenna, and I don't feel sorry for her, because she's not even nice. But I do feel sorry for Heather and Kinnik, who have to wait until after her song and the break to find out which one of them is going home. I think Heather, and if Heather is gone, then America actually voted my way. And now, after the break, Heather is also gone. She's a nice girl, just not as good vocally as the others. Is it just me, or did the whole salad/pizza thing make no sense? In joke? Inuendo that I don't get? Ok, singing herself out, Heather is much better than Tuesday night. If she'd sung like that Tuesday night, I probably would have voted for her. She surprised me tonight. Well, best wishes to her.

Ugh, Ace is not in the bottom 3, and no one read my blog and corrected the song title. Song is STILL called "If You're Not the One". Says so on my Daniel Bedingfield CD. Sway is in the bottom 3. Taylor's safe, and LOL. "Do you think you're in the bottom 3?" "No no no no no." David's in the bottom 3. I really hope he stays. Chris is safe, and Taylor rubbed his bald head, haha. Gedeon's safe. Kevin's in the bottom 3. Sway and Kevin should go.

NOOOO. David's the first to go. That makes me a bit sad. Poor kid, he won't get to eat as much. Man, I feel bad, too, because I tried to vote for him and the line was busy and I was sleepy so I didn't try again. But the line was busy for Taylor, Chris, and Elliott, too. I'm such a bad voter.

I've not been a fan of Sway, but he's such a nice guy. Good grief, it's only an hour show, Paula, can't you lay off the booze for 60 teeny minutes?

So it's Sway that goes, and I'm a little sad, because he's really nice. Definitely not one of my favorite performers, but as of last night one of the more likeable people on the show. And then there's Kevin standing behind him, trying to dance in rhythm. Trying and failing.

So that's what, 50% on my predictions tonight. I predicted Kinnik, Heather, Sway, Kevin.

So now i'm at 62.5% for the season.

Before seeing next week's performances, talent-wise, Ace and Kevin should go home, as should Kellie and probably Kinnik, unless she steps up and sings like she can. However, I think it will be Will & Kevin (though Gedeon is probably on the bubble too), Kinnik & Melissa.

IDOLS 01... I heart Taylor. Sounds like he's enjoying his fame, except that he doesn't want people to, you know, know he's famous. Oh Taylor, if I didn't heart you so, I would totally smack you for that. He's singing "Easy" by the Commodores. I'm not pleased with the song choice, because holy cow, BOOOOOORING. Until I hear him sing it. It's better than the Commodores (for reals, y'all), and I cannot help but grin giddily whenever he sings. It was great. Randy, you stop smokin' crack before I come banish you to the Dawg House. And Paula, you shut up. Simon at least has good advice. But don't worry, y'all, because if everyone VOTES FOR TAYLOR, he'll sail through to the next round. Simon, you give me back my keyboard and stop writing my lines. BTW, the Commodores and Lionel Richie are hereby banned. Take note, contestants. Because if anyone else in this pack of 10 had done that, I would have been looking for my eardrum-stabbing icepick. (See? We've moved on to icepick now.)

IDOLS 02... Next is Elliott Yamin, and there are a lot of ignorant jerks out there who seem to have a problem with this, so I'm not going to mention that he's (allegedly) Jewish. He's singing the cleverly titled "Moody's Mood for Love" by James Moody. If he puts me in a mood, I'm gonna get moody about it. Anyway, so he's talking about his mother, and LOL, I'm removing the (allegedly) from that prior sentence. His mother said she's farklempt, so I'm going with Jewish. That's so cute. He has such a nice voice. And his mom, who was sick, is better now. Good for her. So... onto the singing... Hmm. He sang it really well... I wasn't expecting crooning from him... Umm. I don't know, I just don't know. It was well-sung (very well-sung), but oh so boring. Even with those fast little vocal ditties, it was boring. Okie dokie, lemme repeat myself for the gigateenth time: SONG CHOICE SONG CHOICE SONG CHOICE. I'm rilly gonna become intolerant soon if y'all don't shape up. One thing: When I was listening to this, I was thinking of our honeymoon cruise. Frank and I would go down to the Sessions Lounge every night after dinner and listen to Bobby Hamilton sing the standards and blues, and we would just calmly unwind. We went to that lounge every night for Mr. Hamilton (nice man, too), and it was our favorite part of the cruise. But his advantage: he plays a mean piano. So unless you're gonna play like him, you have to avoid the lackluster songs.

IDOLS 03... Ace Young. He's singing "If I'm Not Made for You" by Daniel Bedingfield. I wonder if he means, "If You're Not the One"? Yep, that's what he means. Goodness, "Ace", at least get the title right. So now I'm already annoyed. And he sings, and I insist he pay Daniel Bedingfield much in punitive damages for murdering such a wonderful song. Adam, Boy, why are you not on this show? I've heard Adam sing this song soooo many times sooooo much better than that, and it just breaks my heart that he's not on the show. Of course, he should audition if he wants to make it. Anyway. The judges are praising this horribly off-key performance (the only good notes of which were the falsetto notes), and thank goodness Simon is there to bring the kooks back down to Earth. I must say this: It was a fantastic song choice, because wow, what a wonderful song to showcase every part of a range, and what a wonderful song period. If only he hadn't destroyed the song. Also, Adam wears a beanie way better than "Ace". Get off my stage.

IDOLS 04... Gedeon. I really like this kid and hope he does well. And then I hear the first 3 notes of the song and I already know: This is a song that people want to have slow, meaningful sex to. But no one wants to listen to that in the car!! And really, I'd rather just put on the Soundscapes channel for sex than the channel that plays this slow... sexyouup... getdownslow... letsgetiton music. Or do it a capella, for that matter. DADGUMMIT, CHILDREN!! DO Y'ALL HAVE A LIST OF LIKE 5 BORING ARTISTS TO CHOOSE FROM???? Ok, even after my little tangent rant, I must say that it was probably the best he could have done WITH SUCH A BORING SONG. I really like his voice.

CAN
Y'ALL
PLEASE
STOP
PICKING
SUCH
LACKLUSTER
SONGS...
DO IT FOR ME
OR FOR CALAMARI
OR FOR SUNTANS...
PLEASE, JUST DO IT.

IDOLS 05... Kevin Covais. Let's be honest. I loved his initial audition. It's kinda gone down from there for me. And tonight, he's singing "I Heard It Through the Grapevine", which I cannot take seriously ever since my mom went as one of those singing California Raisins for Halloween way back in the day. By in the day, I mean back when I was in junior high. * sigh * No one listens to me. Anyway... he gets emails from 12 and 13 year-old girls now, and he thinks it's almost like he's a sex symbol. Poor child. 12 and 13 year-old girls also like stick-on Barbie, so you can't really judge it by them. The performance was soooo boring that I could hardly bear it. Better than last week due to confidence, but where is my pillow. Thank goodness Simon has a good head on his shoulders. LOL, apparently Rowdi likes Kevin, because when Simon made the reality-based comment, Rowdi grunted and growled a bit.

Does anyone have a bottle of wine? 'Cause I sure could use one to soak my feet in right now. Because see, now, after this hideous song choice halfway point, I have to listen to Sway Penala. And really, could someone just tell me about their suntan while we forget he's even on the screen?

IDOLS 06... Jose "Sway" Penala. That's cute, the thing about his family being brought together over this. Almost makes me want to like him. BUT HE'S SINGING STEVIE WONDER. Is Stevie paying Fox a lot of money? Seriously, y'all are killing me. "Joy (Takes Over Me)"... I'd be falling asleep if I wasn't interpretive dancing in my livingroom right now. Anyway, Simon said "ain't". I think we're Americanizing him. He does watch FoxNews and whatnot. "Maybe it was the wrong song choice for me this week."

READ MY BLOG. I'VE BEEN SAYING SOMETHING OR OTHER ABOUT STEVIE WONDER, AND I CAN'T HELP IF Y'ALL WON'T LISTEN.

IDOLS 07... Fred Savage. Wait, what's his name? Will Makar. Ok, y'all are ALL forbidden to vote for Will Makar ever again. "I got to meet Justin Guarini, which was really cool." Where'd ya meet him? The checkout line at the local Dollar General? And wow, was he still a big joke when ya met him? Is that why it was kewl? He's singing "Lady" by Kenny Rogers. Now I totally heart Kenny Rogers, so he better not butcher this. I'm sorry, did you miss the part of the CD sleeve that says this is a country song? You're not allowed to sing Kenny as pop. It's like against the law in Texas. That's like trying to sing Willie Nelson as pop. You are hereby kicked out of Texas forever. 4FR! The good news is, you didn't sing Jackson 5; the bad news is, you sang Kenny all wrong. Bad dog. I mean, bad Will.

Speaking of dogs, I just went to the potty. And I just peed on the pooper scooper. No joke. After Rowdi's ginormous dump today, I had to put the scooper in the toilet to soak, and woops, with the cat vet appointment and all, I forgot to take the scooper out of the toilet (we got back from our walk just before I had to take the critters to the doc).

IDOLS 08... Bucky Covington is singing a Chris Gaines song. "He puts the rock into country." Probably because Garth is a country POSER. At least that's what us Texans think. Oklahomans (but they can't be trusted) might disagree. Too bad he didn't sing "Papa Loved Mama", because that would have been fun. At first I was bored, but ya know, dawg, he made it his own and brought it home in the end. But really. "Mama's in the graveyard, Papa's in the pen" is way better than "Another love grows cold all the sleepless nights, blah blah blah." Of course, I agree with Simon. A good opening act for the main events (Taylor and Chris). Have I ever told y'all how much I hate sweet tea? Disgusting. Tea and sugar are not meant to DO IT.

IDOLS 09... David Radford, the crooner. LOL, for his audition, he used his mom's cell phone charger as a belt, because his pants were falling down. Sweet, a good song choice. YAY! He's singing "The Way You Look Tonight." I danced to this song with Spidade and Pappy at my wedding. So I'm a bit partial to this song. That was great, I'm happy with his performance. I wasn't bored at all, he was great, he didn't do that wacky freaky-dance thing that he did last week, so I'm happy. Maybe the difference between the judges and me is that I listened to him with my eyes closed, and I really think that helps him. I'm voting for him. BTW, he reminds me of Harry Connick Jr. Not the sound, Harry is all his own, but the look and the cuteness.

IDOLS 10... Chris is doing "Hemmorhage" by Fuel. Can we call him Soul-Patch Chris? Let's do. I know I'm voting for him before I even hear him, because let's face it: the top 3 will be Soul-Patch Chris, Taylor, and Mandisa. He's even got all that rocker charisma going on. I really like him. When he sings, he makes me hug myself. Does that make sense, or am I just talkin' crazy? Say, all the resta ya's, why don't y'all talk to Chris about song choice, because he's always got it. He was the best tonight. VOTE FOR HIM!

In order of vocal performance tonight (voting for the *s):

Chris*
Taylor*
David*
Elliott*
Gedeon
Bucky
Sway
Will
Ace
Kevin

My predictions: I still think Kinnik and Heather are gone tomorrow night. Will's too cute to go yet, so it will be Sway and Kevin.

IDOLS 01... Katharine McPhee, who apparently wants to lose my vote, will be singing Stevie Wonder. Did she not get my memo that Stevie is banned on the show? Maybe she's trying to prove that Stevie can be done well. Is she frontin' me? I think she is! First she hearts Babs, then there's this Stevie thing... Oooh, girrrrrl, it is ON! And they just did the whole look at me bit where they tell about her favorite AI moments. And she hearts Kellie Pickler. Apparently Kellie's not so annoying when she's not going on about that prisonly father of hers. UPDATE FROM LATER IN THE SHOW: Yes she really is that annoying. Anyway, so Katharine's all like, "I heart Kellie, she's my bestest friend 4EVER, and we're gonna live next door to each other for all time and raise our babies together!" and she's really thinking, "I hope I get more votes than her, because if only one of us gets this hotel room, it should be me! Me! Me!"... Oh my goodness, they are so in love with each other. Get a room!... Er, maybe that's the problem. Oh bad SarahK, that was so distasteful. On to the singing... * yawn * I'm sorry, is it over yet? Oh no, it's not! And it's bad! That's why you should always listen to your good friend SarahK. I gave you a break on the Babs thing, but no. The first half was boring, and the second half was bad. Shoulda listened to me, Katharine! Don't try ta front me! I'm not gonna withhold her number, but I'm sad to say I'm not voting for this performance. And I really liked her until now when she tried to front me.

Well. I didn't notice before, but Ryan bought his velvet tux jacket (that he's wearing with jeans) at the local vintage store (or Thrift Town), and I just have to wonder about... ah, forget it, Kinnik just said she's singing Gretchen Wilson.

IDOLS 02... Back from barfing now, I'm gonna hurl more sloppy joes (all fresh ingredients except the dried spices and the potato buns, which I didn't make in my nonexistent bread machine) if Kinnik Sky is singing "Redneck Woman" (aka "I'm Proud to Be a Hick, H-E-doublehockeysticks Yeah") or "When I Think About Cheating" (aka "I Really Wanted to Whine for My Next Song, And All the Diane Warren Songs Were Taken, So Here's Something I Made Up in the Back of My Tourbus. Took Me About Four Minutes To Write.")... You know, she's really quite adorable in her little interview. Well, I need someone to replace Katharine for me, so step up if you can... And she's singing "I'm Here for the Party" (aka "I'm a Skanky Drunk Hoe, Take Me Home So I Can Puke in Your Dually On the Way To Your Place"), so I'm out. Anyway, it wasn't that good, but I love her outfit. But she really needs to pull that cowboy hat down... Much better, she felt my vibe and corrected her head topper (40 minutes later on the DVR playback).

Simon and Paula are already snipping at each other, because Paula is already halfway to Vodkaland. She loooooooove that vodka.

IDOLS 03... Lisa Tucker. She's so adorable. But what is she wearing. A tank top yellow sweater over an orange bra or swimsuit thingy. Oh, it's true, I'm just jealous my matronly arms would never let me get away with that. Ryan is fixing her hair, and she was in the Lion King when she was 10. She's singing "Who's Loving You", and have I banned the Jackson 5 yet? If not, I officially declare it disallowed. What a boring song from such an amazing voice. There was just no range there. Blah. And Paula is disagreeing with Randy (who agrees with me), because she's got her vodka on. I might vote for her on sheer charm.

Come ONNNN, girls, give me someone to vote for, or I'm totally dialing 9 digits and not completing the last digit, then hanging up. Indignant dialing, they call it.

IDOLS 04... Next is Melissa McGhee. She's gonna sing Linda Ronstadt's "Why Haven't I Heard From You". I'm embarrassed to say I like to sing the Ronstadt at karaoke, because she's one of the people who taught me how to sing (can you say "When Will I-Hi Be Loved?"). So Melissa is so right about chicks in Florida wearing the flipflops all the time, though now a lot of us are really into these hideous Crocs (I heart them so!). I love her voice tone, but I would really love for her to try to get out of her comfy range a little more. Paula, listen to Simon, he's right about you being a precocious child, except Simon, you left out the part about "completely sauced". Completely sauced precocious child. Anyway, I agree with Simon, she's not connecting. Great voice, not connecting. But I DO love it when they wear brown. Is purple really my favorite color, or is it secretly brown? Paula is such a parody of herself, I wonder if any of her real friends have told her so.

I'm really tired of the girls already tonight. Where's Mandisa? (Oh yeah, singing last so we'll stick around.) And can Taylor sing tonight just for funsies?

IDOLS 05... Heather Cox, you may go home. Go. Go. I don't even have to hear you sing, you obviously have no respect for any of the viewers if you're singing "Hero" by Mariah Carey. Where's the mute button? Or a knife. A sharp one. To stab out my eardrums. Lookie there, Heather Cox held a snake when she got to Hollywood... Sleeping, stabbing eardrums, sleeping more... btw, since I've totally tuned her out, let's talk about her outfit. It's great until you get to the huge square button. NEWSFLASH (why do I have to flash news so often??): The huge square button is a huge failed bit from the '80s, and I still remember it. I remember it and legwarmers. Do you want to wear legwarmers? No? Nobody wants to see your square button.... Anyway, she saved up everything for one big note and was flat for the note. Not impressive. Off. Paula: "Right now there's no one hotter than Mariah Carey." Nor more annoying, Paula. Nobody likes that screeching bat. Back to Heather, I think she's gone after tonight.

IDOLS 06... Brenna Gethers is going to perform after the break, and my goodness, she's wearing one of those dresses that they wear on Dancing or Skating or Strolling Down the Lane With the Stars. Bluuuuuurgh. There's the rest of my sloppy joes. You know, I should thank the ladies, because I'm gonna be so skinny after they're done with me. Yay for involuntary bulimia! Brenna is singing "Last Dance" by Donna Summers. Before she starts, I'll go with "forgettable". But it's true what she says about posing in the mirror. I always look for the angle that makes me not have 2 chins. I only have one, but in pictures I tend to come out with multiples, so I really have to work the camera. Anyway, ADVICE FOR THE CONTESTANTS (AND I'LL KEEP GIVING IT AS LONG AS YOU NEED IT): If a song starts with a couple of taps from the hi-hat, AVOID AVOID AVOID. (Exception would be Celine Dion's "The Power of Love", but ONLY if you can do that whole "by your siiiiiiiide.... 'cause I'm your laadaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyy" bit without taking a breath.) EGADS, I TAKE IT BACK! She's not forgettable, she's awful. I think she's gone too.

IDOLS 07... Paris Bennet is next and is singing something with favor (from God apparently?). Oh bother, her song starts with a hi-hat. And it's Bette Midler from Beaches. The Wind Beneath My Wings. Okie doke, lemme just say: Heard this song at my cousin Allan's funeral, not a happy song for me. Nighty night... Having said that, regardless of her horrible song choice, she handled it with "favor", though not enough to get me dialing. But SONG CHOICE SONG CHOICE SONG CHOICE. Believe me, I've learned from experience at many many karaoke bars (and yeah, I wear that proudly) that you can't sing that stuff, or everyone just ignores you and calls the waitress over so they can order another batch of fried pickles. Paris Paris Paris. No more picking songs on Great-Grandma's choice. Be sweet, and do some Billy Joel for me. (I'm only one generation ahead. Ok, bordering on 2, but I act younger than I am.)

IDOLS 08... Ayla is singing "I Want You to Need Me" by Celine Dion. I love that song, but that's awful brave. At least she didn't pick a safe song. Hey, Ayla, about that new makeup thing you've got going on. FORSAKE IT, DON'T CAKE IT. Really, natural is way better than piled on... Onto the song. She was very good again this week, but I'm partial to that song, and she didn't butcher it, even after she changed the lyrics (a lot), so good on her. Paula ingested some of her Botox or something, because man, what makes her talk like that? Anyway, Ayla's the first one I'm actually going to vote for tonight. Here's to hoping there's no Stevie Wonder or Bette Midler from her next week.

IDOLS 09... Next is Kellie Pickler, and WHOA, you should see the screen-freeze on the Tivo. She does not blink evenly. FOR THE LOVE OF PETE. She is given the spotlight to say anything she wants about American Idol, and she has chosen to talk about the spinach salad, which is liiiike pullin' a leaf offuva bush and eatin' it, with swallowin' an' everything! YET ANOTHER new experience for her. Heya, Kellie? I kin git a big bag-a spinnitch at the local Piggly Wiggly. Maybe you kin find it at yers tew! Check it out, they might evin hayuv a 99 cent sale on it! OH MY GOODNESS, I can't believe I already spent a paragraph on the spinach, because did yew know that they caul skwiyud "calamaray"? Ayund the dawgs, they have more clothes than I do! She is baby Jessica, only no one found her at the bottom of the well. She stayed down there for 20 years until American Idol heard her singing from deep within the earth. Say, did you know they've got sumthin' called a lightbulb? And the outhouse? It's INSIDE NOW!

I don't have the energy to talk about her performance. Woops, found it. Ok, so she's singing "Something to Talk About" by Bonnie Raitt. How about spinach and calamari? Anyway, her hand gestures are all wrong (she does the come-here fingers when she shouldn't), and she's so flat on every note. Guess she shoulda crawled outta that well a little sooner!

Paula and Randy: Well, Paula's sloshed, and Randy's on crack. Simon is soooo wrong on this one. WHO IS FALLING IN LOVE WITH THAT OVER-THE-TOP CARTOON? Bad Simon, BAD! I almost want to vote for her, because she makes for really fun snarking. What a caricature. Someone get that girl a library card, please. I WANNA HEAR ABOUT YOUR CALAMARI.

BTW, the ladies seem to be over their gaucho pants obsession. But now, they're all obsessed with makeup and calamari and hi-hats.

IDOLS 10... Mandisa. Redeem them, oh noble one. She played a practical joke on Ryan Seacrest right before her audition. She's so adorable. I LOVE her. That said, SONG CHOICE: "Cry" by Faith Hill? You better do this better than Faith, or BORING... Ok, now I hear it, way better and more exciting than Faith Hill. And she did that whole "may" thing at the end like Justin Timberlake (who says "may" instead of "me"), and I totally dig that. It's Gonna Be May! Good memories, good times. I miss 'NSYNC. I should go pull out my "Celebrity" CD and reminisce about that El Paso concert Cynthia and I flew down for. Wait, what was I talking about?

Oh yes. I'm thinkin' on banning Faith Hill, because they keep picking the WRONG Faith Hill songs. Next week, someone will think it's a grand idea to sing "Breathe", and I'll think it's a good idea to do the opposite.

Does anyone wanna hear about my suntan?

So the wrapup. In order of best performance tonight (I'll vote for the * ones):

Mandisa*
Ayla*
Paris
Melissa
Lisa*
Katharine
Kinnik
Brenna
Heather
Kellie

My predictions on who goes: definitely Heather. I'm torn between Kinnik and Brenna (because we know that some drawl-loving sophisticates are gonna vote for Kellie despite the lovely and talented SarahK's wishes). Brenna has the annoying cat thing going for her... Kinnik never showcases her range... I say Heather and Kinnik are going home, and Kellie's gonna learn that peeple eet these thangs from the ocean called oysters. I have never wanted to hear about your suntan more than now.

As the hour begins, President Frenchie is having a John Kerry moment. Flippity-flop, I just can't decide whether it's wrong to allow the assassination of President Suvarov and my wife. Baby no wanna make big decision.

So the president calls Martha and tries to convince her to get out of the car. "Martha, just ask the driver to come to a rolling stop! You jump out, I'll get you nice surgery to save your face!" Marty says no, and President Flipper is unsure whether to get his wife killed.

Audrey enlists Edgar to meet her somewhere and keep it secret! Keep it safe! We either have a new character (Carrie?) or Lynn just needs someone to yell at.

Curtis is looking on, as he was unharmed after being dumped in the ghetto. He's so pretty, so it's good he survived!

Audrey and Chloe are working together to help Jackie Jack, and Chloe is thinking, "I'ma put a cap in Audrey if she gets in the way of my love affair with Jack. And I'm a good shot."

And now we know that Christopher, who's somehow involved blah blah terrorist, is one of the guys Jack investigated within CTU, and he got fired, so he's mad, and oh no! Vendetta!

Audrey and Chloe get Edgar to help Jack "before it's too late." It's always just "before it's too late".

Frenchie almost makes a decision, but then he decides to suck his thumb instead. I don't like Mike Novick these days. He's advising President Estrogen to go ahead and kill his wife and that world leader guy.

Lynn is yelling at Carrie and firing her. "You don't work here anymore." "Did I work here at all? I just got my badge five minutes ago. Hey. Got something on your chin, I think it's stupidity."

Lynn is soooo on to everyone, who're soooo working against Lynn. Lynn catches Audrey and Chloe in the act (of working against him), Audrey big-times him (I'ma call my daddy!), and Lynn insists on Chloe coming back with him. "She's my ball! I'm taking her home!"

Jack goes into this blah blah terrorist guy's company and wants to meet with the SVP R&D, because he's the blah blah guy. Jack's new name is John Barrie, and he matches his picture great at the security desk. As soon as he gets into SVP Christopher's office, D.J. Chris tazers him (good thing he's not carrying a lighter on him!) and Jack wakes up with no gun. D.J. Chris never believed Jack was dead. Chris is being "implicated" by someone inside CTU because of his history with Jack. Yeah, I'll believe him at arm's length. Don't turn your back on him, though, Jack!
The company has a bunker or something, and D.J. Chris is taking Jack to it and giving full access to the Centox stuff.

Fast Eddie Styles has new info for Chloe, about Suvarov's route to the airport, and they go tell Lynn, who calls them analysts like that's an insult. Curtis sits quietly until they leave; then he tells him to stop being stupid and call Secret Service. Lynn says "No no no! Me boss! Me in charge! Me yell! You sit!" and Curtis looks like he's ready to laugh at Mr. Meanie.

Audrey confronts Lynn about the President Suvarov thing, and they yell a lot. And Lynny Boy is off his nut. Whooooo. Crazy! Dadgum. I'm starting to like Audrey. She's summoning Fast Eddie and Chloe to the corridor. Eddie's talking about legalities, Chloe's all for breaking the law (because she's awesome now), and no one has yet consulted the manual on how to oust someone who's flippity floo off their rocker.

Audrey brings in Curtis. Oh wait! She has read the manual! Curtis is the ranking agent, and he's the only one who can invoke Section 112 of the CTU Crazy Leader Manual, and Audrey's totally talking him into it. Curtis is all, "Man, I've already been shot, choked, dumped in the ghetto, and now you're consulting the manual on me! Can't I have a pee break? Get some coffee? Watch my stories on the breakroom TV?"

Mike doesn't have answers for President Whinyface but reminds him how long he's got until the motorcade is dead. The President wants to pray about it, which is the first good idea he's had today. He and Mike kneel together. Dun-dun-dunnnnnnnn.

Lynn catches Edgar and Chloe doing their subversive stuff, and tries to fire and arrest everyone. Curtis says, "Yo, I'm totally gonna shoot people up in here if you carry out that order." He puts his hand on his Glock, and the other security guards look at Curtis's weapon. "Aww, man, he doesn't have a strap on his holster! He can totally draw faster than me! I'ma do whatever the black man says!" And Curtis looks pretty. [Ed: by pretty, I mean manly and suave with a very good fashion sense. I heart Curtis.]

So the security guard says, "Hey, whatever you want, Mr. Curtis, is totally what's happening." And Curtis relieves Lynn of command, releases Bill from prison, and brings Tony out of a coma. Sorry, that last part was my wishful thinking. And so is the part where Curtis completely bans Kim Bauer from ever returning to the TV screen.

Ugh. I almost like her, I know it, I feel it. She needs to do something annoying real quick, like call Jack to talk about their relationship. Or ask Chloe if they can have chamomile tea together.

They like the name Carrie on this show. Wasn't that the girl Michelle hated in season 2? Are y'all just rubbing it in our faces that Michelle is dead? I hate you, Joel Surnow! (Or writers.)
Bill overrides everything and wants to alert Secret Service immediately. They let the president know, and he's so happy that they've alerted Secret Service, because you know, he was too giant a pansy to do such a thing.

HUGE ATTACK OF GRAPHIC VIOLENCE! Just when I start to think Aaron is dead, he opens the car door and saves the day by bustin' caps in some terrorists. I still think he's gonna die right afterward, you know, cliche heroic death, blah blah. But no, the writers didn't cop out like that. Yay writers! Except for the killing Michelle thing.

Oh, and YAY AARON! WE HEART YOU! You know, if you were real live and stuff.

Aaron has saved the Russians, the First Lady, and himself. And you just KNOW that Marty's gonna beat the crap out of Mr. President when she gets back. Except that he's gonna take credit for the rescue.

Jack's now in the bunker with the terrorist who's supposedly not a terrorist. "No way in or out of the bunker." Hmm, I wonder if that will play into the final minutes of this episode. Terrorist guy bails, and Jack finds himself with no phone and with a bomb. I told y'all not to trust that guy!

Christopher leaves the building, talking to some chick on the phone, maybe Neckid Mandy. And Jack has to find a way out of the building quick, or find a way to contain the bomb. He just gets it contained when his old pal Chris blows stuff up. And now Jack is angry. Chris won't like Jack when he's angry.

Terrorist man calls President Canary and threatens to release the gas again. And the hour is over.

WHOOHOO! NEXT WEEK IS 2 HOURS LONG! SOMEONE IN TV LAND LOVES ME!

So... next week... monkeys are moving 24 to a different time so we can have 2 hours. Kim's back, Tony wakes up, Marty tells Aaron that Logan is a rat bast**d, and we have the biggest surprise of the season... so what do we think that will be?

*Aaron and Martha run away together!

* Neckid Mandy wears clothes.

* Tony is the mole (not).

* Audrey's running the whole thing, because she found out Jack was alive, and she is TICKED. First Jack killed her husband, then he went and died, and she found out he didn't die, and angry woman scorned wrath!

* Kim isn't annoying! She doesn't get attacked by cougars or lured into secret basements of cavedwellers!

* Lynn can hum the entire Notre Dame fight song!

* President Logan makes a decision and is actually sure about it!

* Aaron says screw this, I'm going to work as Jack Bauer's personal bodyguard!

* Mike tells the President that it was way too uncomfy for them to pray together since the President is a godless, mindless twit!

* or Michelle's not really dead! She's pulling all the strings!

when they replayed Ace's performance from last night, Frank held up his hands in front of his face and said, "aaaaahh! i can't look at him, i'm afraid it'll make me gay!"

Brenna's paddling like a duck. quack quack.

ok, i'm thinking Brenna's going. wow, i was wrong. Becky's gone. i thought she would stick around just because she's hot, and because Brenna SANG STEVIE WONDER. i think Simon's right, she'll have a good modeling career.

the girls seem to be over their gaucho fetish from the other night. aw man, i'm gonna get a lot of sickos searching here for fetish photos now. bad sickos! go away!

so... Bobby and Sway are on the bubble, center stage with Ryan. wonder who's going home... not really. i have to give it to Bobby, he has personality, and he took it well. he's funny, i reluctantly laugh at his jokes. "Bobby, it's you." "I know." except now he's blaming his Gram. poor Gram. well, anyway, he's gone, yay. except that means that we have to listen to Copacakillme again.

btw, you know all the guys on Taylor's row were thanking their lucky stars.

2nd girl going home. i'm thinking it's Stevie or Heather. Brenna's safe, Kinnik's safe. and Stevie and Heather are in danger. both of them were terrible last night. i'm sad about Stevie, because hearing her before, she's good. the lesson here for contestants is: NEVER GO WITH THE UNDERSTATED PERFORMANCE UNLESS IT'S GOT A BIG FINISH. and then if you get booted off, please don't blame "tha sickness". that just makes everyone roll their eyes, even if it's true. anyway, i wish her well, i liked her.

i love the colors she's wearing. brown is my favorite color to wear. unlike Becky and Bobby, she was better tonight. oh yeah, except that major crack, but whatever.

Ryan is so tiny.

and with the guys, everyone i voted for is staying. and the two i predicted to go are gone. Patrick is out too. he just was forgettable last night. Bucky still needs to shave that penciled-in 'stache. if you fellers are going to wear 'staches, at least go all in.

PAULA: "i just love you, Patrick. but not as much as i love vodka in my Coca-Cola cup."

so everyone i voted for and/or would have voted for moves on. i was 75% on my predictions. Becky left in place of my Heather prediction.

YAY FOR TAYLOR!

IDOLS 01: Patrick Hall. oh good. he's in touch with his feelings. i hope he feels the song in his soul. 1st line out of his vocal chords has me saying "next please". so he's singing "Come to My Window" by Melissa Etheridge. oh good, she was probably singing it to a girl too, so at least they're on the same page. this is one very forgettable performance. what a beating. it was like the 3rd place guy at the karaoke dive on karaoke roulette night. and not the dive where everyone is drunk and the bikers all sing good. oh my no! did you see all the collagen in his mother's lips? i don't like to make fun of people's appearances, but that's totally self-inflicted. i know, i'm going to hell for being so mean. not voting for him.

IDOLS 02: David Radford, the crooner from Crystal Lake. maybe he'll be an eagle-eyed machete enthusiast! "Crazy Little Thing Called Love". i'm so glad he's back to his element. ok, but he's gonna be one of those performers like Constantine who i have to listen to when i'm cooking and can't see the TV. because he's crazy to watch. the singing was good, the stage performance was ... um ... insane. so. i'll close my eyes, you sing, and we'll get along. i'm voting for him.

IDOLS 03: Bucky Covington is singing "Simple Man" by Skynnard. i really like the tone of his voice. if we could just get him to shave off that ridiculously thin mustache, it'll be much better for me. he can keep the soul patch. but he really should wash his hair. or maybe he just needs to dry it, i don't know. anyway, he's good enough. not sure if i'll dial the phone, but i'm hoping he goes forward.

IDOLS 04: Will Makar. the only one left from Texas! here's some Deep in the Hearta comin' atcha. wait, did i already send that? "I Want You Back" by the Jackson 5. you hurt my heart. DEAR CONTESTANTS, JUST BECAUSE YOU WANTED TO SING THIS SONG WHEN YOU WERE 8 YEARS OLD DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD SING IT ON NATIONAL TV. REMEMBER YOU ALSO PICKED YOUR BOOGERS AND FLICKED THEM AT THE DOG WHEN YOU WERE 8? anyway, it was way better than i expected considering the song. he looks like Fred Savage (Bobby Brady, Paula? remember, he was the wussy little freckled one?), so i like him... probably won't dial the phone, but he shouldn't get kicked off.

IDOLS 05: Sway Penala. the guys are as into their feelings tonight as the women were into their gauchos last night. he's singing "Reasons" by Earth, Wind, and Fire. and it's special to him. what kind of falsetto convention did i walk into? holy boogers, Paula is standing up and seal-clapping above her head. that was awful, and Randy and Paula are on crack. so what if he can go high and do vocal acrobatics? would anyone actually want to listen to that? ever? it was like Mariah Carey (obnoxious) on speed. thank you, Simon, for having ears.

IDOLS 06: Chris Daughtry is doing "Wanted Dead or Alive"! sweet! need i say who that's by? he's one of the three i'm here for tonight. there he's working the mic stand like Bo. i think they can't control it, they have to do it because they've sung in bars. and he's wearing his wedding ring, yay! ok, he's great, i am so happy he's here this year. VOTE FOR CHRIS! lol, Ryan. Simon's going to the happy place.

IDOLS 07: Kevin Covais. he's 16, and Frank said he would have guessed half that. he's singing "One Last Cry" by Brian McKnight because Brian is one of his role models. i was thinking that he'd been charged with some crime or other, but i googled and came up with nothing; maybe i was thinking of R. Kelly. know how old i am? this was our class song my senior year in high school. not by my choice, but whatever. we also had teal and burgundy for our class colors... yeah. anyway, he blinks a lot; i don't know if that's nerves or Tourette's. it was decent, but his voice was shaky, and he looked so nervous. i'm voting for him anyway, because he's been great until now.

i think Paula's got the alkey in the Coca-Cola cup tonight. she's standing up an awful lot. i think the standing is to signal her personal bartender that she needs another.

IDOLS 08: Gedeon McKinney. he's singing "Shout". ok, i have to say it. he has such a strange look about him. that's not a bad thing, he just has a very memorable face. i think he reminds me of someone. oh! i know who! can't think of his name or what he was in, but he was in sitcoms in the '70s and '80s and was always antagonizing a main character or something. i actually enjoyed him, i love his shirt, and his smile just grabs you, i don't care who you are. he smiles so big, and i actually believe he's a happy guy. Simon and i are gonna have to disagree on the smile thing. his smile bothers Simon? his smile is my favorite part! i'm voting for him just because of the smile. one thing: shave the chocolate smudge - you pull off the mustache as well as Bucky does, which is bad.

IDOLS 09: Elliot Yamin. "If You Really Love Me" by ugh. Stevie Wonder. don't get me wrong, i love Stevie. DON'T SING STEVIE SONGS ON AMERICAN IDOL. THEY ARE FEEL-GOODIES, NICE PLEASANTRIES, BUT THEY DON'T EVER STRETCH A RANGE OR LEAVE THE LISTENER WITH A LASTING IMPRESSION. ok, i'm done yelling now, sorry. he did a good job vocally, but come on, how do you expect to move people to dial 10 digits for you when you're singing Stevie Wonder? unless you have the piano too... i'm not feeling it. really, he sang well. but he sang Stevie. did i mention that you shouldn't sing Stevie? hats off to him, though, for his facial hair. i have nothing to critique about his facial hair.

[number withheld]: Bobby Bennett. if Taylor weren't singing last, i'd have turned off the show as soon as he said Barry Manilow. seriously, does everyone remember that horrible night from season 3 when everyone had to do Manilow? it was absolute torture. as was Bobby's performance of "Copacabana". blurgh (that's my throw-up sound). i ate meatloaf tonight, and it's on its way back up. it was yummy the first time, but i'll not thank you for bringing it back. Paula: druuuuuuuunnnk. the mustache? shave shave shave. i'm thinking he made it to the top 12 so they could have a class clown for the AI5 yearbook, but i've got question marks all around my head for this one. how did he get here? moving on...

IDOLS 11:

holy! did you see the end of the 24 preview just now???

anyway. IDOLS 11: Ace Young. so he's dropped the Brett altogether. spitting image of Kelly Clarkson. he's singing "Father Figure" by George Michael. i'm laughing my head off, because... welp, not a shocker there. he just made my dog growl. good girl! he does more hair flips and camera stares than Constantine. Paula: i changed my mind, she's absolutely stoned. out of her gourd. the judges love him. me? i can't stop laughing at him. he's like a caricature of himself, and himself is Constantine Maroulis + Kelly Clarkson + Unknown (Seacrest?). eh, he sang fine, but i disagree with Simon. horrible song choice. and please stop having sex with the camera.

IDOLS 12: VOTE FOR TAYLOR! oh wait, i should wait till he sings. finally, an excellent song choice. "Levon", which he chose because it means something to him. aww crap, another one in touch with his feelings. but anyway, i'll let it slide because i adore his voice so much. he was excellent, the song choice was great for him, he carried himself well on stage, made me want to grab my husband and slow dance across the livingroom. he just makes me melt. shut up, husband (who just said that he looks about as old as his father), you leave him alone. and his personality, he's infused with soul vibe. and he's soooooo weird. yay for Taylor!!!

so here's how i rank them (i'm voting for the * ones):

Taylor*
Chris*
David*
Bucky
Ace
Elliot
Kevin*
Gedeon*
Will
Patrick
Sway
Bobby

so my prediction on who's leaving tomorrow night: i think Stevie and Heather are gone, though Kinnik is a possibility. and i think Bobby and Patrick are gone.

Mandisa is the first to sing. she is the girl who has humbled Simon and gotten him to apologize for the fat comments. and oh yeah, she's singing "Never", a Heart song (i heart them!). she wants to prove that sisters can rock too (from my church experience, i would never have doubted that). i would have voted for her, absolutely. ftr, i didn't think it was over the top like Randy and Simon did. she's so funny, i just adore her personality.

Kellie Pickler, on the other hand... she makes me tired with all the crying and the hicking (my cousins from West Texas aren't that hick!). and she's singing a Martina McBride song ("How Far"), which means i'll be exceptionally hard on her, because i just hate it when Martina's songs get butchered. she deserves so much better... eh, she's decent on the song, but she's got lots of flat notes, lots of sharps... she's pitchy tonight, Randy. um, standing ovation worthy? uh uh, i don't think so. if she doesn't talk much, she might grow on me, but only if she doesn't talk much. i absolutely disagree with Paula and Simon. likeability factor? um, maybe if she stops crying and speaking. Kellie, you are so over-the-top on the hick act, you should really tone it down. and you should really listen when yee-haw girl gives you advice (that's me. yee-haw.). i wouldn't have voted for Kellie.

Becky O'Donohue, singing "Because the Night". say, didn't 10K Maniacs do that one? yep, they did, says the Internets search engine. oh, she's all over the place on this, missing lots of notes. that's too bad. i'm noticing a pattern with the girls this year. we seem to have a lot of rocker wannabes. might we get one this year? (not Becky, but someone, maybe). wouldn't have voted for her.

Ayla Brown. ugh, let's talk a minute about fashion. i know they like to call them gaucho pants, and they're all the rage now, and everyone is wearing them (i don't think Becky O. owns anything but gaucho pants), but i will always think of them as long culottes. which means i will never be on board with gaucho pants. i believe in everyone's freedom to look dumb; otherwise, i'd campaign for the banning of gaucho pants. moving on... LOL, i'm so OLD! one of Ayla Brown's favorite movies "growing up" was Mulan. that movie came out the year i graduated college. anyway, Ayla's going to sing Christina Aguilera's "Reflection"; awwww, i used to listen to that when working in my tomato garden. i hope she doesn't try to be Christina, who was always just trying to be Mariah, who is one of the all-time most annoying people on Earth. aw, man, she played boys' football for 3 years; i hope she's good so i don't have to insult her. i don't want to get my pinkytoe kicked... she was pretty good on that, but then she ruined it by saying she "felt so complete" after singing that song. ::rolling eyes far back in my head now:: she tells Ryan she "felt amazing" while she sang the song. really? even in those gaucho pants? i don't want her kicked off yet, but i wouldn't have made the dialing effort for her last night.

Paris Bennet, one of my favorites through the early rounds. singing "Midnight Train to Georgia". this should be good. crap! gaucho pants! who's dressing these children? actually, hers are a little shorter, so i'd call them full-on culottes. that makes me wanna cry... oh yeah, the singing. so far she's not wowing me, but i'm hoping for a big finish. i have to admit, she actually pulls off the culottes. eh, that was not nearly the caliber performance i was expecting from her vocally. she has the energy, the look, but the singing bored me, probably because there was little range. i still would have voted for her because i know she's got it all, but honestly, today i'm hoping that she doesn't dud out like Nadia Turner did.

Stevie Scott. when she started out, her name was Stephanie. oooooh, she's singing "To Where You Are", that song that Josh Groban sings so amazingly. she has a very controlled voice, and she's singing well. eh. i was expecting way more of that song based on her earlier auditions. she was too quiet for most of the song, i kept waiting for her to belt it out, but nothing ever came. the guys are right, it was boring and messy. i wouldn't have voted for her, and that makes me sad, because i really want her to do well. one thing on her physical appearance: she needs to not slump. i know she's stinking tall, but she needs to carry it and not try to make it go away.

halfway through, Mandisa is tops.

Brenna Gethers. drama queen, middle name is "Mima". NO NO NO. i don't care if you want to show your softer side, you can't sing "You Are the Sunshine of My Life". that song is meant for wedding receptions, not American Idol. she copped out and went the safe route. absolutely boring, no range, and not nearly as dramatic as i was expecting from this gaucho-wearing drama queen. i'm having Mikalah flashbacks. seemed like such a firecracker and then just fizzled out, got old over a period of a week. Simon said it right, she's a wild cat that someone put gloves on. she so wants to sleep with Simon. and he eats that stuff up. NO NO NO, Brenna, no one needed to see your softer side. i wouldn't have voted for her.

Heather Cox. "When You Tell Me That You Love Me". can someone just shoot me now? i hated it last year when the finalists did it, i'll never like it, what a horrible choice. NEWSFLASH FOR CONTESTANTS: HOKEY IS NOKEY. hey, how cute, i made a little rhyme that almost made sense. oh, i hate this song so much. i just keep picturing fadeouts from Vonzell to Anthony and oh barf, make it stop. that was awful. she's so beautiful, and she's not wearing gauchos, so i wanted her to be great. with such an awful song choice, it's so hard for me to know if she's just bad, or if it was the song.

i hope the guys are better tomorrow night (which is tonight, since i'm watching this Wednesday), because tonight (last night) has been like Bode Miller disappointing.

poor Ryan Seacrest. someone writes terrible jokes for him, and he gets paid to say them.

oh, you big fat liars. it's not catty backstage with the AI girls. yeeeeeaaah.

Melissa McGhee, the beauty pageant girl from Tampa. hey, i've been there! Faith Hill's "When the Lights Go Down". one of the most boring songs Faith has ever recorded. ah well, at least it's not "Mississippi Girl" or "Bringing Out the Elvis". she was good except when she tried to warble, which was when she always went flat. but hey, cute outfit, no gauchos, good sound to her voice; here's to hoping she doesn't do a Lindsay Cardinale and go safe every night. i may actually have voted for her. oh dear. she's hinting that they should put her on tv more. oh, bless her heart, life experience has made her feel the songs in her soul more. ::do i even need to write in the eye roll?:: here's to world peace.

Lisa Tucker, one of the best quality voices. singing "I Am Changing" by Jennifer Holiday. groan. i hate it when they talk about how wonderful the message is of the song they're singing. blah blah blah. i'm singing it because i think it showcases my voice, and i really want to showcase my voice. why don't they all just tell the truth. anyway, she's fantastic, sings beautifully, has as much charisma as Orlando Bloom, she's all that. i would have voted for her.

Kinnik Sky. singing "Get Here" by Alita Adams. are y'all gonna roast me if i say, "by whom?" hey, no gauchos here and she's singing the song because she knows if she can pull it off, she's good. i'm not feeling the denim formalwear (really, those two words should never be paired up), but it's not gauchos. ok, so she can do the big wail. i disagree with Randy, i thought she carried the entire song fine. she didn't blow me away, but she was good. i wouldn't have voted for her, but i don't think she should go yet. and hey Simon, don't call a 28 year-old old, or this almost-30-year-old will cry.

egads, am i really going to be 30 in 5 months? ::sniff:: where does the time go? y'all give me a stage, and i'll sing a song for you that i really feel in my soul.

Katharine McPhee. singing "Since I Fell for You", which she says was originally recorded by Barbra Streisand. um, no, not originally, but whatever. anyway, i like Katharine, so i won't dwell on that. i might dwell on the fact that she really looks up to Babs, though. yep, it's ruined her for me. btw, ALIAS, season 1, episode 21, Sydney Bristow sang this song in the club where Khasinau was having dinner with Mistuh Sahhk and Will Tippin was being held... so to the singing. no gauchos (official gaucho count tonight: 4), yay. best vocal of the night. oh brother, she's still going on about kissing the judges.

vocally, here's how they stacked up for me tonight...

Katharine
Mandisa
Lisa
Ayla
Paris (who was a better performer than Ayla, just didn't bring the vocals)
Melissa
Kinnik
Kellie
Stevie
Brenna
Becky
Heather

i can't wait to hear Taylor Hicks, Kevin Covais, Chris Daughtry, and David Radford (but only if he croons) tonight. i just hope none of them are wearing gaucho pants.

i wanna hear about your suntan.

man, why do they have to show Audrey in all the previously clips?

so here we are. Jack is looking at something. Badger is telling someone that the Centox (Syntox? Cintox? at first I thought Symtex, but those are vintage Russian explosives -- i learned that on ALIAS) is genuine. and he's gained about 10 pounds since the previous episode, i'm sure of it. no no! you can't stab and kill Badger! ugh, i really like him on the show. i mean, for a bad guy. why does Fox always have to kill Badger? MONKEYS!
so the Russian "extremists" (translated Chechnyan Islamofascists) want to kill Nathanson, because he was working with the "Americans" (translated that expletivous traitor Walt), and he is on the run from them.
Lynn's deadbeat sister and her deadbeat boyfriend are fighting over whether to return Lynn's CTU keycard. i don't think he's with the terrorists, but i do think he's going to be mischievous with that card.

Audrey is talking. that makes Chloe crumple up her face. Lynn is a hothead, he wants Jack arrested, because Jack saved people's lives. bad Jack!

Nathanson calls Audrey and wants her to patch him through to Jack. he says he can find the nerve gas.
show note: any time they say "how do i know i can trust you?" and the other person answers "you don't." that means that they really can be trusted. it's good that everyone knows that.

hmm. Nathanson tells Jack that there's someone else inside the government working in the bad bad terrorist operation. Jack says, "you lie!" and the Russianish-accented guy says, "nuh-uhhhh!"
it's a Jack Attack! Jack, you say you're sorry to Curtis right now! you can't just punch Curtis and make him pass out without apologizing! good Jack.

Lynn's all ticked off about Curtis being dumped in the ghetto (he's so pretty, after all!). And he's yelling and wondering why Jack got a call from "Audrey". And now Audrey is calling Chloe and saying, "hey, help me trick Lynn! it's for Jack!" and Chloe's all like "anything for hunny-bunny Jacko! yeah, let's do this thing! and when i think of an insult for you, i'm totally gonna say it, because i'm Chloe!" and Audrey's like "thank you."

and they trick Lynn, and SarahK's like, "awwww, crap! i'm gonna start liking Audrey!" and Frank's like, "only if they send her out on a mission and she shoots someone!"

now Mike and the French President are talking. a terrorist has called Walt's phone, and Logan is all like, "i'm not talking to a terrorist! terrorists are scary! you do it!" and Mike's all like, "grow a pair, and stop being so French!" and Logan's like, "if a terrorist talks to you on the phone, do you become one? or do they have to bite you first?"

so Logan thinks it's Erwick, but it's the guy that stabbed Erwick/Badger. and Mr. Switchblade (yeah, it wasn't one, but that's a cool sounding knife) wants the Russian president's motorcade route so that he can assassinate Suvarov, and he tells Logan that Logan has 15 minutes to decide, and Logan starts to say, "i'm not sure i can make a decision in such a short period of time!" but Mr. Switchblade cuts her him off.

and now Mike is wearing his "i'm pensive and reflective" face that he's been wearing all day, and he tells Logan that Logan can't sanction the murder of the Russian president (you know, it being an act of war and whatnot), and Logan says that he wants the route, so Mike just does the whole woo-woo crazy signal next to his ear and says, okie dokie.

Lynn tells Bill that Audrey totally tricked him and that Bill should fix the pores of the agency. and Bill says, "why, i know JUST the skin cream for that! i'll get right on it whenever you're done with my desk, Mikey!"

Jack and Nathanson, who is apparently not Russian but likes to inflect a bit of some kind of accent just to confuse snarkers like me, talk on the phone. it's a nice chit-chat, and there are helicopters arriving on the roof where Jack is going to meet Nathanson.

Audrey and Bill have a sweet heart-to-heart, and Bill's so into her, and she's so into Jack, and Bill's going, "d'oh! lost another girl to a former CTU agent." that reminds me, when's Tony waking up? anyway, Lynn walks up to spoil their insubordination moment, and Audrey wants to kick him in the shins. just like me.

Jack and Nathanson are hiding from terrorists, or Nathanson is, anyway. ok, Nathanson is fighting a bunch of terrorists with a super-big gun, and then a super-bigger gun, and Jack's giving him instructions over the phone or earpiece or whatever. hey! isn't that the rooftop where Jack chased the kid in season 2, and the kid fell on his back and got a pipe to the neck? that building gets around.

Jack the Crackshot takes out the last two, and he and Nathanson have a gunbattle (or Jack does, and N. -- what a long stinking name -- hangs around and waits to get shot). didn't N. cut and color his hair since we last saw him? i think so. anyway, N. gets offed, but just in time, he tells Jack to go through his pockets and look for loose change. Jack totally scores, yay!

Jack calls Audrey, but Lynn's totally up her butt, so she transfers the call to Chloe, who tells Jack that Lynn thinks Audrey's been talking to Jack behind his back "which i guess she has." so he uploads the info with his SPRINT!! SPRINT!! SPRINT!!

President Limp-Wrist is just sure that he should give the info to the terrorists, because hey, they've got good security on that motorcade!

and Martha comes in and totally verbally kicks Limpy's pinkytoe and says, hey, you're the U.S. president, you don't get to behave like other pinkytoe leaders of other countries! you can't just sanction murder! you're not a democrat from Arkansas!!

did i say that out loud? nevermind, forget i said it. really, Hill, i mean Bill, i was kidding! sweetie! lock the doors! where's Shiny?

so Chloe and Audrey and Bill work together to circumvent Lynn so Chloe can decrypt the chip Jack got. and Lynn throws a hissy-fit and throws Bill out. Audrey's like, "i'm calling my dad!" and Lynn's like, "don't threaten me! Goonies never say threaten!"

Chloe's on the phone with Jack. "can Buchanan help you?" "he could if he weren't in holding." Chloe thinks Lynn is losing it, LOL.

Logan tells the emmy-caliber Jean Smart (really! give that woman every award! who'da thunk? Charlene!) that it's a difficult decision that has to be made, and Martha wants to put his gralls in a vice (me too!), except he doesn't have any! she's horribly torn up over it, and Logan limply hand-shakes Suvarov and bids him a fond adieu. "thank you, President Logan, for everything. especially that kill order!"

sweet! Martha decides to ride to the airport with the Suvarovs and tells Aaron to make sure the President knows where she is. dadgummit, Aaron's gonna die. he gets in the car with Martha and she tries to tell him to go in the other car, and he insists.

so. next week: Jack gets stun-gunned, and when Lynn tries to get everyone at CTU taken into custody, Curtis says "if you do that, i'm gonna draw my weapon and shoot you, you stupid fat hobbit." and Logan has to decide whether to let Martha die or not. i'll bet you anything he says, "welp, she made her own bed, and that'll sure be a whole lotta trouble out the window. you know, she's crazy." which she's not. bad husband. i want a divorce.

so it's the big night. the final cut to get us down to 24. that means far fewer annoying people! woohoo! let us pray that the Brittenums are included.

so it's the big night. the final cut to get us down to 24. that means far fewer annoying people! woohoo! let us pray that the Brittenums are included.

wow, they're cutting a bunch of people right up front. how are they gonna make a whole hour out of this?

all the contestants are shocked and acting sad, but you know they're all going, "yes! they got cut! it wasn't me who got cut!"

wow. that Crystal Stark girl is so beautiful. i didn't enjoy her a capella bit that they showed, but she's very classy and graceful.

Katherine McPhee. she made it. please, quickly, get out of the room before you become annoying! alrighty, so she's most thrilled that she got to kiss all the judges on the lips. more thrilled about that than the making the top 24.

Ace Young. he looks like Kelly Clarkson. he made it.

Eugenia. she thinks she's peaked at 26. i sing much better now than i did 3 years ago, but maybe that's just me and all those other artists who get better with age. oh no, i just lumped myself in with the aged. i'm so old. anyway, she's gotten incredibly annoying.

Robert Bennett Jr. you know that likeability factor they said you have? you know how to keep it? stop actin' a fool, and just smile quietly. pretty please?

Mandisa. ok, i like Jesus girl. she's precious. and she got Simon to apologize for the fat comments. good for her. did y'all notice how she even said "bottom" and not "butt" when she walked out? good girl.

Lisa Tucker. oh good, i like her. and her mom doesn't seem obnoxious!

David Radford. he's humming Gob's magic act song! i love it! ok, i remember him now. i liked him in the very beginning when he crooned. when he made it past the group auditions i was shocked, because he does not do pop well. but hearing him croon again... i love crooners so much. i'm glad he moves on, even though i wasn't glad last week. i hope he wows us next week.

Jose Penala and Eliot Yamin (is he Joooish?) are through to the next round.

Brenna Gethers. wow, is she all breast? y'all were all noticing that, i'm just the one who said it. i bet i'm not gonna like her. not because of the breasts, but because she reminds me of snobby cheerleaders. and no, a cheerleader never stole my boyfriend. (or if it happened, i was too traumatized by it to remember.)

Gideon McKinney. he seems interesting, should be fun. he did seem confident, but not Brittenum "i am the Messiah" confident. ok confident.

Stephanie Scott. i like her high notes, but when she gets below about the A above middle C, she warbles way too much. but a lot of people like warblers, so she'll probably do well. wow, she really is praying mantis tall (i don't mean that as an insult).

Ayla Brown. she's got a great voice. another tall one.

lol, Chris Daughtry got stuck in the elevator. i'm sorry, that's mean. if that was me stuck in the elevator, i'd have been panicked. absolutely panicked. yay! he's in. very well-deserved. i forgot he's married.

Rebecca O'Donohue. just hearing her sing in the a capella part tells me she made it.

Heather Cox. have we even seen her?

William Bucky Covington. my goodness, why have they kept him a secret? thank goodness it's not a mullet, under the hat it looked like a mullet. i figured that's why the secret. anyway, the second i heard him singing i put him through to the final 12 guys. because see, i can do that in my little lovely and talented world of SarahK.

Patrick Hall. he's not as confident as he lets on. but that was funny. "i'm not as pretty as Ace, but who is?" that's so true, that Ace boy is Kelly Clarkson.

Kevin Covais. Simon, i'll be sooooo mad at you if you don't put him through. like send you tough love mail with a 39-cent stamp mad. YAY!! he deserves to be there with those pipes.

Paris Bennet. there's no God if she doesn't make it to the top 12. whew! if she didn't make it i was gonna have to find a new religion. thank goodness.

of course! House M.D. is doing really well, so it's time for the monkeys at Fox to destroy it. "for one week only" they have a special night. Monday night next week. and then suddenly we'll catch the series finale on a Friday night. monkeys. you're all fired.

the Brittenums. "our behavior has been absolutely flawless." yeah, ok, felons (allegedly). i really hope the judges wouldn't have made the mistake of letting them stay if they hadn't been, you know, alleged felons.

Kelly Pickler. oh goodness, i hope she gets smarter between now and next week.

Taylor Hicks. HE PLAYS THE HARMONICA TOO! IS THERE ANYTHING WRONG WITH HIM?? i really heart him. Simon, how can you not like him?

Kinnik Sky & Megan Bobo. i really like Megan better just hearing the clips they played. that one note from Kinnik gave me an earache. but it's not always the best part that they show.

William Makar & Syd Harcourt. oh yeah! the Fred Savage lookalike! i'm sorry, but Syd looks too much like Vin Diesel. and Makar is through to the top 12 guys.

overall, i'll say good pickin' by the judges. but next week we all get to vote for Paris and Taylor and Chris.

i wanna hear about your suntan.

oh yeah. so the Brittenums are split up. which means that both of them will pontificate over how the others are just not cutting it. i hope neither one of them makes it. they really should never speak. ever.

Brenna. sweetheart, i can't blame you, because before i went to college, i actually thought that coal metamorphosed into diamonds too, but now i know that they're only formed igneously. but anyway... your stupid analogy of diamonds to coal? not scientifically accurate.

and yes, i'm a nerd. but that doesn't make you less informed.

oh how cute! the twins are getting snippy with each other! i wonder if that's what convinces them that grand theft is the way to make it big.

i think the best thing for any competitor is to be in Paris Bennet's group. because that girl has it. she. is. the. bomb. really, though, Paris is the star. i pick her to win.

then one of the the twins. his group. Elliot Yamin, i think he should stay. Jose Penala didn't bother to learn the lyrics, so i'm fine with kicking him out. Terrell Brittenum is just too annoying. dude, the cameras have been on you, so the judges know what's going on. i actually agree with Randy for once. Elliot is the only one i think should go forward. what the heck? Elliot should have been the only one to go forward, and Anthony something or other is the only one to go. bad bad bad judges.

i cannot WAIT for Terrell Brittenum to go home. what an arrogant pinkytoe.

oh how i love the standards. i want the whole standards group to move forward. you can't kick any of these guys out if you keep a Brittenum. yayyyyyyy!!!!!

Derrell Brittenum's group. i soooooo hate that i'm calling it that, but that's all they're showing. oh, good. we get a moment... is he really talking about his disappointment after making it through? i think that's funny that he made that whole speech because he thought his brother got cut, and then it turns out that he said he was leaving when his brother actually didn't get cut.

oh please make the torture stop, and send them both home. i can't take the circus anymore.

that girl group sounded good.

oh, please, people. LEARN THE LYRICS!! YOU HAVE A WHOLE NIGHT TO DO ONE THING!! LEARN THE STINKING LYRICS!!

y'all are the biggest idiots. BIGGEST IDIOTS. THIS IS YOUR SHOT!!!

the Tyra girl. she's done killed my last nerve. she's really really lucky that her 1st group let her back in.
ok, sounds like she was smart to leave her 2nd group. and the Ashley Simpson lookalike is going home. is it Ashley or Ashlee?

oh good! Derrell and Terrell are back to beg for forgiveness?? it's so funny, but it's almost sad. yay!! Simon is fed up with their hissy attitude!! me too!! send his brother home at the same time!! please please make them both go away!! you wanna win them over?? promise you and your brother will SHUT THE HECK UP!!

Tyra Schwartz's group. i like all of them, especially Tyra. i hate to say it, because she's a bit annoying, but i really like her voice. i'm glad they all went forward.

Marcy Smith has a good voice. so does Nick Whitten. the other girl... not so much, but they could all 3 go forward... and then they start talking. SEND NICK THROUGH! ok, fine, they all go through. whatever.
NEWSFLASH!! I LOVE SIMON COWELL!

ahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Broke Note Mountain. ROFL!! i love this SHOW!! y'all don't make fun of my Garet! i need to bake him pies! and all of his teammates! MOLTEN CHOCOLATE CAKES FOR EVERYONE!!

oh sweet mother of Paul. the Brittenums are back to apologize. DON'T ACCEPT! DON'T ACCEPT! blast it. they're staying. DON'T YOU KNOW THAT NO ONE LIKES THEM...

I LOVE THE BLACK GUY GOING WITH THE FLOW AND SINGING IN THE COWBOY HAT! oh, Garet, you're killing me. LEARN THE WORDS! i'm really sad that none of Garet's group went on. and i'm so AWED by them that they didn't blame him for them not getting through! they want to bake him pies too! wow, i'm so impressed with the other two in Garet's group. really, i liked Garet, but i know he wouldn't have made the top 24. but the other guys stuck with him, and if they had been Brittenums, they would have trashed him and blamed him afterward. that makes me love them ALL. so the other two guys... CONGRATULATIONS ON BEING GOOD PEOPLE AND NOT BEING PINKYTOES. Y'ALL ROCK. you too, Garet. BRAVO. best group yet. my hat is off to all three of you. you know, i remember not liking that Tim McGraw feller. i've changed my mind.

please please please keep Taylor Hicks in. please...

Paris, Taylor, and that rock guy. those are the only ones i really really want to keep.

i really liked Tyra's voice, but she's going home. probably because she's not the most congenial...

YAY! ROCKER GUY MADE IT! that's really all i care about in that room.

insert expletive here, the twins are staying. but yay! so is Paris, and so is Taylor!

* sigh * that dumb Pickler girl is in. but so is that rocker fella. what IS his name.

Frank says (re: the Brittenum dumbpinkytoes) "well, better that both of them are in, or..."

Sarah says, "yeah, that.... well, we'll have to listen to them anyway."

GO HOME BRITTENUMS!! i wanna hear about your suntan.

ok, i'm done for the night. it's Valentine's Day, and i have something new, slinky and black. i'm gonna go sex up my husband.

Day One

Kelly Pickler. already on my nerves. i'm sorry, i'm sure she's real sweet, but i think her dumb girl act is waaaaaay over the top. and if she's really as dumb as she lets on, we can't make her the next American Idol, because we'll start seeing tabloid pictures of her driving with her baby in her lap. btw, she was flat on almost every high note in "Hopelessly Devoted to You".

Patrick Hall. i love his voice. and they haven't let him talk much, which is probably good, because if all these kids have the same personality... yeesh.

hey, good! that married guy who dirty danced with Paula like he couldn't wait to get her into bed is going home already! i'm glad.

Lisa Tucker is only 16? man, she's beautiful. very powerful vocal chords. weird, she's awesome on the higher notes and a little flat on a few of the lower notes. actually, i guess that's not weird, because i struggle with low notes too.

Matthew Buckstein. how did he make it to Hollywood? what??? moving on??? his "Hopelessly Devoted" was soooo painful to listen to. he's trying to be Tim McGraw, but his voice is incredibly forced. i'd love to hear his natural voice, but this is not it. bleh.

i'll repeat what i said during the Super Bowl. the Burger King Whopperettes commercial is one of the worst commercials i've seen in my entire life.

Paris Bennet. wow, she just has everything. she's an absolute star.

Taylor Hicks. they're gonna have to do something about that hair. i'm not saying color it, but cut it. but man, i love the way he sings.

Garet the cowboy. he's like the Kelly Pickler from Wisconsin, but he seems completely genuine. i know he's going home, but he's so sweet i just don't want him to.

Day Two

Megan Zeiger. you know what's awful is i know she can sing. i can tell. i mean look at her! she knows how bad it is and she knows it's not what she can do. and she should stop talking before people stop liking her. especially since she's been crying all day and is up there talking about how she's smiling and having a good time. but she knew when to stop anyway.

how cute! look at all the sick people! and the pianist-blamers! send them all home. especially the ones blaming the piano. you have to be able to adapt.

so next are Terrell and Derrell Brittenum. Derrell - eh, didn't we have Nikko Smith last year singing the same songs with the same voice? no offense. Terrell - he actually has something different about his voice, it's interesting. but i can't tell if it's phlegm or effect. oh. and now they're talking. ok, they can go home. didn't they get arrested anyway? oh, please please stop talking. i now can't stand you. newsflash: Carrie Underwood? awesome. her album's great, too. America doesn't like mouthy people. we like nice people. be nice, boys.
Paula should definitely try to hide it when she wants to sex up the boy singers. she really needs to get ahold of herself.
David Radford. are you kidding me? he's terrible. absolutely awful.
Brett Young? he's really good, but he's gonna be one of those obnoxious ones, you know it. i mean, he calls himself Ace.

Joshua Simmons. wow. i never thought i'd see a black guy sing a Rascal Flatts song. oh, come on! you know you were all thinking it! anyway, he was pretty good, had a few blah notes, but as good as any of these other jokers they're letting through.

Jarrett Simmons. the high note was good for him, the rest of it was not so good. eh.

uh oh, they're going home, please don't let them start mouthing off. and who is that girl who's all over everyone out in the hall? and now the Brittenums are patronizing them. and you KNOW the Simmons twins just want to stomp on their toes! i would! ah, just kidding, you know they're all gonna be the best of friends forever and ever! BF4FR!!
Garet Layne Johnson. ok, he's definitely taken the voice lessons and gotten better since the first audition. he's one of those improvin' types. AND YAY!! HE MADE IT TO THE NEXT ROUND!! he's so sweet, i just want to hug him and bake him a pie. my heart just breaks when he cries. ok, fine, two pies!

Chris Daughtry. very good. flat notes, but i'll call it nerves.

Katharine McPhee. love her voice. she's adorable.

Dave Hoover. he's a bit insane, i guess that's his bit, but he's gonna have to chill. you know who he reminds me of? the TSO singer. i don't know if the mannerisms are the same, but the sound anyway. i do like the way he exited, though. he was happy and giddy that he made it as far as he did. kudos to him.

and to the girl standing next to the van holding her shoes about to head back to the Bronx with someone else's money: please don't speak anymore.

i wanna hear about your suntan.

* darnit. credits say Audrey is still on the show.

* Chloe, are you set up for the trace? of course i am, why else would i be calling you?

* you know, for someone who gets manipulated so much, President Frenchie sure knows how to manipulate people... that is, until he doesn't get his way and gets all whiney and starts yelling. he and Audrey should get together.

* Badger's gonna have a big role this season. yay!

* Lynn McGill also has an annoying blonde chick in his life who calls during national crises. aw crud. i see a subplot. everyone has deadbeat siblings or stupid daughters or sniveling sons. Chloe and Edgar are the only ones with no freaky family (especially since Edgar's mom offed herself). i love them even more.

* Rene Rienne's fake dad from ALIAS (the one that was frozen) is a new terrorist!

* oh no! CTU is doing "domestic spying" without a warrant! President Logan must be held accountable! or someone must punch the ACLU in the nuts! which do i want more??

* we're already running out of time on the nerve gas! what are we gonna do for the next 17 hours or so??

* i love Chloe!! have i ever mentioned that?? i loved the super-huge eye roll when Buchanan gave her trouble on using Spenser. Frank and i agree that the only thing missing from last week's episode was Chloe. big giant void.
* yay! Audrey is going to get Kim and "bring her back to CTU"! the two of them can get kidnapped together! and then they can get chased by cougars. i hope they get mauled.
* is that a PPK that Badger's carrying? funny, i think terrorists should carry way bigger guns if they want to use them to intimidate people. way scarier that way. if not way bigger guns, at least carry a P99 with a high-cap magazine!
* there's Martha! punch your husband! he deserves it! then kick him in the nads!

* oh no! the exclamation points have taken over my keyboard!!!!!!!!!!!1one! somebody stop them!

* i clapped and yay'd for joy when she slapped him! that was exactly what i wanted her to do. i'm glad that Martha listens to me.

* Chloe is in top form tonight.

* Curtis is on a mission with Jack. i hope he doesn't die, i really like him. i like them in the field together too. they're two complete badpinkytoes. and you know, Curtis was on Tony Danza last week, so he shouldn't die. 'cause if he does, we'll know anyone who goes on Tony Danza has a character who's gonna kick it.

* don't do that! Curtis's vest shouldn't even get shot! that's too much for my poor thumping heart! don't y'all know i have a brain tumor, and you shouldn't mess with my head??

* that girl doesn't look like Neckid Mandy. so i was wrong about who the girl in the penthouse would be. whoever she is, she needs some food. Jack, quick! get her some food! Curtis! give the girl a Twinkie!

* i really wish Mal would just waltz in with Zoe and knock Badger on the back of the head with Zoe's gun.

* maybe the underfed girl is going to be Jack's new squeeze. wait. i wrote that before i knew she was 15.
* ooh! Curtis is queueing up the bad guy in a chair so Jack can interrogate him! score! "you'll get a lawyer as soon as i get what i need." yay Jack. hey, terrorist dude, Jack's telling the truth. you don't want to go down that road with him.

* this is sanctioned torture! oh no, that poor terrorist! what about his rights? i feel so sorry for him!

* that guy opening the canisters looks like Tony when he has the full facial gear on. ya know, from a distance.
* how many damsels in distress are we going to go through this season? i'm already at my limit.
* poor Chloe. "shut up, Edgar." i adore her. i want to be her.

* the president is just patronizing his wife right now. ugh, this actor should get an Oscar. he makes me angry, ill, and disgusted all at once. if he's not really French, he deserves an award.

* Walt killed himself? wasn't anyone watching him? not that i'm sad to see him go, but i really wanted Jack to toy with him some more. and then kick him in the nuts. he'd kinda outlived his usefulness, though.
* well, Lynn's sister might be worse than the other dumb girls on the show. robbing your own brother. what a waste of a human body.

* i'm sorry, that was insensitive of me.

* sigh. if it's not Audrey calling Jack during the middle of a crisis to talk about their relationship, it's Jack calling someone during the middle of a crisis to find out where Kim is.

* hmm, i wonder if they're gonna lose the malnourished girl and Rossler's gonna escape with her. i just hope she gets some food first.

* wow. that underfed girl is a good shot. i guess Rossler's not gonna escape with her since he's dead now.

* whoa... next week is gonna be interesting. Frenchie is gonna order the nerve gas to be released in the mall. hey, i'll bet that Kim, Chase, Chase's baby, Diane, and Derek are all there shopping, along with Kate from season 3, plus her dad, plus Raisa's parents, the Secretary of Defense, Audrey's hippy brother, Behruz (sp?) Araz, and Rush Limbaugh. oh, and Lynn's gonna stop by there for a Chai Latte on the way back from getting beat up by his sister's boyfriend. what a bad day this is gonna be for Jack. at least Chloe's safely at CTU where nothing bad ever happens. unless you count it getting blown up in season 2.

* i'll have quotes tomorrow. there are dishes to do and TV trays to put away before bed.

* yay! graphic violence! i hope it's against Walt Cummings! and President Logan, just because he's such a pansy and a bad husband.

* is Audrey like co-running CTU with Bill Buchanan? she sure does give her opinion a lot.

* i wonder if the president will be mad that Walt felt up his wife. somehow i doubt it, because i think Mrs. Logan is just for show, if you know what i mean. and i'll bet you do.
* Audrey, i'm sorry if you think you're supposed to talk on this show. ever. Jack's kinda busy with his whole save-the-world thing, so if you could put your feelings on the back burner, that'd be great.
* i am still really happy that Derek got a kleenex.

* hey! there's Badger again! he's not as smarmy as on Firefly though. more evil, but not as smarmy.

* sweeeeeet. i love how Mike gets the message from Jack. except Walt is suspicious. dagnabit. did you notice how when Jack told Mike, "I'm so sorry about David Palmer," they played the loud boom in the music that signifies that Mike's about to look at the camera and say, "What about David Palmer? What's he talking about? Why is he sorry, and why am i the last to know????" yeah, a little dramatic with the score there, Mr. Callery (whose scoring abilities i just adore, FTR. i'm just sayin... ).
* say, Derek, if your voice is any higher, i'm gonna be absolutely convinced you're Kim.

* Jack, you are the biggest idiot on the planet. no, you're not going back to Diane so you can take another shot with Whiny? Whiny who always starts every conversation with "Jack... I..." someone needs to smack you hard on the back of the head. stupid.

* ok, so the pacing Russian guy who really likes talking with the earpiece phone... when he says that there's only one thing Walt can do, i'm soooo hoping that doesn't mean Walt kills himself, because i rilly rilly rilly want to see Jack kick his pinkytoe in grand fashion. and i wouldn't mind a little spit in the face by Mrs. Logan.

* is Aaron implying that Mrs. Logan is a horse? that is very not nice. come on, Aaron, you know you want to help Mrs. Logan. she's a nice lady who's not that crazy.
* dude, Schafer! you can never trust Badger! he always stiffs people! you should have gotten your payment up front.

* ok, so Jack's out on a super-important mission, and Audrey calls him to talk about their feelings? can she not just give it a rest for 24 hours? 24 hours would be superb. Audrey, it's more complicated than me loving you... such as you being homely (granted, less so this season) and whiny.

* ok, the confession by Walt is unexpected. how much ya wanna bet that the President gets talked into his idiotic scheme? holy wow! he just grabbed the President, and Logan didn't even yell for the secret service. and um, wow, Walt just admitted to assassinating Palmer. i totally thought Walt was gonna kill the President just then. nope, President just turned coat and betrayed the country. i hope Jack Bauer kicks him in the nuts. ok, so the evil Republican just wants to prove WMD are in the Middle East so we can increase our military presence there and protect our sweet sweet oil. at least Walt has his priorities straight. ;-) btw, Walt should read that book that just came out about WMD.
* what? they're gonna arrest Jack? that's the craziest thing i've ever heard! this has to be the first time ever that Jack's been arrested. i guess this is a short season, because there's no way Jack's getting out of this. man, and i was really into this season.
* i think Aaron's gonna make some tough decisions... ooooooh, he's getting angry and determined. i love it! "What is Jack Bauer doing here, why is he under arrest, and why wasn't I told?"

* yay hobbit! yay Rudy! disobey the order!

* Jean Smart is so outstanding in this role. someone give her an emmy.

* hahaha! "actually it's not that hard to believe" that Walt Cummings ordered Palmer's assassination. yay Aaron!

* BAUER POWER!! wow, i don't know which is my favorite scene now. Chloe unloads an M4 into a terrorist, or Jack Bauer starts to take out Walt's eye as Aaron just stands there watching. i looooooove seeing Walt get punched in the sternum over and over and over. sweet. it's nice to be able to take out my own aggression vicariously through Jack. do you think Logan realizes how absolutely idiotic it was to admit that he knew about Walt ordering David Palmer's assassination? You think Jack's gonna kick the President's pinkytoe in hour 24? that would be totally rad.

* too little too late, Mr. President. you're still the worst husband ever. i hope she dumps your sorry butt right now. walk away Mrs. Logan, tell him you'd like your bags transferred to Jack Bauer's house because you love him now.

* why do they keep showing Chloe disgruntled and staring at a computer and she hasn't had a line the whole episode? were all her scenes cut? bad producers cutting Chloe scenes! she better not have shot someone in the cut scenes!
* so Cummings and that Russian guy who paces back and forth with the earpiece... are they both in on the Schafer thing?

* look how smug the first lady looks now. Logan's not getting sex for a long long time. at least not from a woman.
* ok, that was a great Jack Attack.

* next week's episode... who do you think is in the upstairs penthouse? my first thought is Neckid Mandy, because it can't be Nina, because Nina's dead. but would Neckid Mandy hide behind a bed like that? seems like she would escape or be holding a gun and all the cards. maybe it's Kim.

* Quotes (note, some quotes are embellished in italics for my own enjoyment)

DIANE: Ms. Raines? Really? Her?
AUDREY: Yes. Whore with a snot-nosed kid!
DIANE: We've been released. Which means I'm free to punch you in the face.
AUDREY: Oh, good. I hope they tortured you first. And I hope to never see you again.
DIANE: Can I ask you something? Like why do you never smile unless you're trying to not cry?
AUDREY: Of course. But make it quick. I've got a man to steal!
DEREK: Dude. This would be a totally awesome catfight if my mom weren't involved. Can we get Chloe in here instead?
DIANE: Do you still have feelings for Jack?
AUDREY: I'm sorry but that's personal.
DIANE: Feelings sometimes are personal. But I asked you a question, whore. I know, but he's been living with my son and me for the last six months. [mark it down! proper grammar on TV!] We started to become a family. And I care about him. Do you know he still loves you? ... If you don't love him, let him go.
AUDREY: WHAT?? HE STILL LOVES ME?? OHHHHHHHH, YEEEEEEAAAAHHHH. [dancing about foolishly with pointer fingers pointed outward like Yosemite Sam's six-shooters] I knew it, uh-hu-uh, he loves me, awww ye-eah. Work it Audrey, work it girl!! [now doing imaginary lasso above head]. FACE!!

LYNN: Novick's people say he's unreachable, and Jack's cell is going straight to voicemail.

BILL: Something's wrong. Such as, I used to be running this place, and now I'm not.

LYNN: I know. But I don't know what we can do about it. But at least I know what a Flank Two position is. Nyah-nyah.

BILL: I do. Give me my job back.

LYNN: What?

BILL: We can disregard the order.

LYNN: Disregarding a presidential order. Slick shoes, are you crazy?

BILL: If we don't, we will not find this nerve gas. And you want to find One-Eyed Willie, don't you, Mikey?

LYNN: Sending Jack Bauer to have a conversation with Mike Novick as a private citizen is one thing. But I am not about to start considering disobeying a direct order from the White House. Unless you do the Truffle Shuffle, Bill. Do it!

BILL: That's because you don't have the experience to know any better. Y si no hacen buen trabajo, sera encerada aqui con las cucarachas por dos semanas. Sin agua y sin comida!

JACK: Walt Cummings ordered the assassination of David Palmer. I know it's hard to believe, but I can prove it, it's true.

AARON: Actually, it's not that hard to believe.

LOGAN: I'm the President of the United States! Get your hands off this man! Agent Pierce, do something! [Meanwhile, Jack is beating the crap out of Walt.]

AARON: I am, Mr. President, I'm upholding my duty to protect you. [Logan reaches for phone.] That won't have any effect, sir. I've overridden the distress line.

SARAHK: Heeeee!!

JACK [holding a knife to Walt's face, as Aaron and Logan look on, frightened]: I am done talking with you, you understand me? Now you've read my file. First thing I'm gonna do, I'm gonna take out your right eye. Then I'm gonna move over and I'm gonna take out your left. And then I'm gonna cut you. I'm gonna keep cutting you until I get the information that I need. Do you understand me? So for the last time, do you want that soda where is the nerve gas?