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State of the Frank Report Archives

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May 16, 2007
State of the Frank Report
Posted by Frank J. at 04:07 PM

This is the part of the blog where I write about my day for those interested.

Well, I've been busy. You may have noticed I've been less engaged on this blog; well, that's because getting a house ready to sell is not easy, and the clock is ticking since the zoo is rebuilding the monkey house. How in the world are we going to sell this house if someone looks out a window and seem damnable monkey eyes staring back at him and plotting death?

Then there was the plot by Doctor Doom was just a huge interruption. That was stressful. I don't even want to talk about that; just read whatever they wrote in that rag The Daily Bugle if you're interested.

On top of everything, I have this vague feeling that Aquaman is still alive and watching me. Isn't there a French word for that?

After trying to come up with new methods to reinforce our new faux wood blinds so they don't fall down every time someone tugs the cord, I heard the cats making those alien chirps and clicks they make when they cornered prey. They had chased a lizard under the dresser, and I decided to rescue so its corpse wouldn't turn up at an inopportune moment. I pushed away the cats who hissed angrily at me for interrupting their murderous plans and reached for the tiny lizard. The lizard opened it's mouth threateningly, but I thought that was just the little thing bluffing.

Unbeknownst to me, lizards don't bluff.

The lizard clamped down on my index finger with it's strong, toothless jaws. I yelped in surprise and drew my hand away, the lizard now dangling from my hand, still holding on tight. I quickly went outside, placed the lizard on the ground, and then had to pry its jaws open.

Needless to say, that's the last time I'll ever try and help another living creature.

Back to work. It's much to do, but SarahK tries and keep a brave face, constantly exclaiming, "Yay! Painting is fun!" Then again, the other day she tried to put leashes on the cats. That woman has gone insane, I tell you.

I can't wait until we're out of the fetid swamps of Florida and on to the promised land: Texas.

Rating: 2.4/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (18)
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May 03, 2007
State of the Frank Report
Posted by Frank J. at 05:38 PM

This is the part of the blog where I write about my day for those interested.

They're rebuilding the monkey house!

How can this be? I even used hidden speakers and squibs to make them think the place was haunted. Still, there they go rebuilding it.

Thus, the wife and I have been quite busy painting the house and getting it ready to sell. We're going to move to Texas where there are many laws on the books regulating how close a monkey house can be to residential areas.

Painting is a pain. It's not the painting so much as the prep work such as the taping and the drop cloths. And then little things are always coming up and needing to be fixed. It seems like we'll never be done and away from the monkeys.

And then there's those trips to the hardware store. I was rushing to get to Home Depot before it closed when someone jumped on my hood. "We need to talk!"

Batman! "Like hell we do." I maneuvered the car to ram into a telephone poll, but he jumped off just before the collision.

Bruised and battered I struggled to get out of the car, but then hand gabbed me and yanked me out. "They're still investigating you about Aquaman's disappearance!" Batman yelled at me.

"I don't have time for this; Home Depot closes in fifteen minutes." I came at him with an uppercut. He dodged and socked me in the gut. I ignored the pain and took the open shot at his head. He kicked me, knocking me to the ground, but I had what I needed: His grappling gun.

I fired it at a truck that raced by and zipped myself to it, grabbing hold of the back. "Goodbye, Bat... stupid!" I yelled at Batman (I really need to write those sorts of lines ahead of time).

I got to Home Depot and got a new can of orange peel texture spray just before it closed. I then had to call SarahK for a ride back and sent a tow truck for my car the next morning. Stupid Batman. I wonder what he wanted?

Rating: 2.5/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (5)
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April 30, 2007
State of the Frank Report
Posted by Frank J. at 04:07 PM

This is the part of the blog where I write about my day for those interested.

After my meeting with Iron Man, I decided I couldn't rely on the superhero community. I'd just keep my eyes open and continue on as business as usual. I was still waiting on the Justice League to do another decision on nuking the moon, so I started working on a new project: A computer program that could automatically blog humorous political observation for me by simply Googling today's new stories. It's an advanced project, but only I have the humor expertise to see it through.

I was interrupted, though, by a call today from my sister in Hollywood. Apparently a major studio had decided to go ahead on my movie idea entitled Ninja Nixon. It's a reimagining of Nixon's visit to China with Nixon as a ninja out for revenge. The current tagline is "He's not a crook... but he is a deadly assassin." It's quite a high-concept film, and I'm surprised a major studio approved it.

I told my sister to get in talks with Chow Yun-Fat for the title roll and she told me that she's a costume designer and that isn't her job and I told her I don't care for excuses and hung up the phone. "My dear wife," I told the harpy watching The View, "do you think we should go to Hollywood to make sure they don't screw up my movie? If done right, the ideas expressed in this film could change the world."

"I don't like California because everyone is weird there and they don't let you have guns," she said. "I shoot people who don't let me have guns."

"Well, I guess I'll just pass on my ideas to them, then. Who do you think should play Nixon's wacky sidekick Henry Kissinger?"

"Um... Bruce Willis."

I wrote that down. "Good idea. If this movie doesn't sweep the Academy Awards, such vengeance shall I wreak upon them."

The doorbell rang, and the dog growled and snarled so much you'd think it was Mexican out there. I opened the door and it was Lieutenant Caine from Miami. "Aww... did you lose your friend," I laughed in his face.

He took off his sunglasses. "I know your involved with the disappearance of Arthur Curry."

"Then, when you find his mutilated corpse, can you take a picture so I can frame my work and put it on my office wall?"

He didn't react. "In a building by the docks where we believe Arthur disappeared, we found sand like substance. Spectral analysis showed us it was actually ground up sea shells we traced to a business in Melbourne. While looking through their customer database, we got an anonymous phone call from someone saying he saw you leaving the docks laughing manically about how you killed Aquaman."

"In other words, you've got jack. Well, keep me updated on your case." I slammed the door on him.

"Hey, where are my sunglasses!" I heard him yell from outside as I used some tape to put a new pair of sunglasses on the dog. "It's a felony to take an officer's sun glasses!"

"I hate these distractions," I told my wife. "I'm going to work on movie ideas. If you see Dr. Doom, attacking the country, give me a holler."

Rating: 3.4/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (10)
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April 26, 2007
State of the Frank Report
Posted by Frank J. at 04:02 PM

This is the part of the blog where I write about my day for those interested.

After I finished my inane blogging for the day (or "speaking lies to weakness" as I call it), I went to Stark Tower to see if my old college roommate knew anything about Doctor Doom's plans.

"Wow, nice office." He took up the entire top floor and his office decoration had that "I paid good money to have someone decorate this for me" look.

"Not to be rude, but I'm really busy. So, what's up, Frank?" Tony Stark looked stressed to the breaking point.

"Doctor Doom... Muslim terrorist... Nuclear power plant... Monkeys... Any of that ringing a bell?"

"Honestly, I don't care about Doctor Doom's plans unless he's working on a competing contract for the Department of Defense. You think he's up to something?"

"Something involving me, Tony! I have contracts of my own to work on, and it's quite hard with there being some crazed supervillian possibly after me!"

Tony tried to clean up the papers scattered on his desk. "I heard the Justice League was getting in the way of whatever you're working on."

"More like the 'Gay Homo League'!" I retorted. I then thought that was kind of lame and I could do better. "I mean the... um... Stupid League... Okay, I got nothing. Anyway, that's taken care of."

"Be careful, Frank. The Justice League is slow to action, but if they come after you, that's trouble I don't want any part of."

I laughed. "Slow to action? When was your last superheroics?"

"Hey, I act when needed, but flying around in battle armor fighting evil is hard to justify to the Stark Industry stockholders."

I looked out the window behind him to his magnificent view of the bay. "Is that a giant mutant squid attacking that boat?"

Tony turned to look. He began to get up, but then thought better of it. "Eh... I have a lot of forms to fill out; you know how government contracts are. Plus, that's really more of a job for Aquaman, and he doesn't get that many opportunities."

I smiled. "No one has seen Aquaman for about a week."

Tony sighed. "I remember back in my college days I always said, 'One of these days, Frank is going to kill Aquaman.'" He thought for a moment. "Or was it Namor?"

"Never had a beef with Namor." Out the window I could see the red and blue of Spider-Man staring out over the water at the squid and not looking sure of what to do.

"So did you really cause Aquaman to snap in Arizona?"

I sighed. "You said you were busy; why don't I let you get to work and you can tell me later if you hear anything on Victor von Doom."

"I'll ask the Avengers if they know anything."

I chuckled. "Yeah, I'm sure the Fabio looking guy with the big hammer is a real fount of knowledge. Or maybe you can ask the giant green guy who smashes things."

Tony took out some more forms. "He's not part of the Avengers."

"Why not?"

"He smashes things."

I noticed the red and gold Iron Man armor standing unused in a display case. "I can't believe you get all the credit for designing that when all you did was come up with gay color scheme after spending countless hours sobering up at Denny's while staring at the ketchup and mustard bottles."

Tony was busy filling out forms and looking more irate. "Yes, I know; the color scheme is gay. Anything else?"

"Your mustache is gay too." I noticed something out of place. "Do you know you have the number for Joey's Pizza stuck to your armor?"

"What?!" He ran over to his armor. "Stupid teenagers! They think it's so funny to put refrigerator magnets on Iron Man... even after I just saved them from aliens! I hate kids!"

"I'll show myself out." I took one last look out his window. Now Daredevil had joined Spider-Man in watching impotently as the mutant squid destroyed the tanker. I guess it was a job for Aquaman.

Rating: 3.1/5 (23 votes cast)

Comments (14)
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April 25, 2007
State of the Frank Report
Posted by Frank J. at 04:01 PM

This is the part of the blog where I write about my day for those interested.

I decided to broach the subject of how SarahK is suspected of terrorism over lunch. "Thanks for the tuna fish sandwich, sweetie. So why is there surveillance video of you at a nearby nuclear power plant along with terrorists?"

"I was just after that monkey because I knew you'd never get that done. I followed him to the nuclear power plant and then snuck up on him and threw him in the reactor. Then I noticed some Arab-looking people so I shot them to be on the safe side. What do you think happened, you silly billy?"

"What I think is of no concern," I told her. "What's important is that the government thinks you were with the terrorists and are going to have trouble believing you just stumbled on a terrorist plot."

"Don't get me started on the government!" SarahK shook her fist. "So they're going to waste time hassling a good American like me while illegal immigrants are coming in over the border? You know, last week I reported to the FBI that suspicious looking Muslims were regularly meeting in a building downtown, and they need nothing about it."

"They already knew there is a Mosque in Melbourne, Florida."

"Don't you patronize me too!" I figured I best watch my words, lest she strike me. "One of these days the Mexicans and the Muslims are going to combine forces," she continued, "and then everything will be exploding and I'll be saying, 'I told you so.' By the way, I saw your doctor when I was at the power plant, and he says you have an appointment with him soon."

I furrowed my brow. "What doctor?"

"Um... I think his name was Doom."

"Doctor Doom!" I shouted. "I keep telling you he's not my physician; he's one of my arch-nemesis."

She rolled her eyes. "You can't expect me to keep track of all your arch-nemesi. Now you better learn to be nicer or I'm going to be your next arch-nemesis... and my first strike against you will be to stop putting celery in your tuna fish."

"But a tuna fish sandwich has no character without celery!" This was all very concerning. If the monkey fled to a nuclear power plant where Doctor Doom and terrorists were hiding out, there was more to all this than I ever imagined. It was time to talk to my former college roommate: Iron Man.

Rating: 2.4/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (12)
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April 24, 2007
State of the Frank Report
Posted by Frank J. at 04:14 PM

This is the part of the blog where I write about my day for those interested.

On the way to pick up groceries for my wife, my vehicle was rammed by another car and then I was abducted as a hood was thrown over my head. I guess that's better than being abducted on the way home from the grocery store because who would know what would happen to the perishables.

When the hood was pulled off, I was bound to a chair in a darkroom. In front of me stood a man who looked in dire need of sleep and a razor. "I'm Jack Bauer with CTU."

"I'm Guybrush Threepwood and I want to be a pirate," I answered, not hiding my annoyance. "What the hell is this all about?"

"There was a terrorist attack on a nearby power plant." He held up some pictures. "Recognize these people?"

I looked them over. They were quite terroristy looking. "Last time I was at a mosque, I was pretty drunk, so I probably won't remember names. Twenty bucks says at least four of them are named 'Mohammad,' though."

"Do you recognize her?" He held up another picture -- apparently from surveillance cams at the power plant. It was of SarahK.

I quickly got over the shock. "I can't expect me to keep track of every blond woman I've been around. Why exactly do you think I, John Q. Public, would have anything to do with any of this?"

"We know you are an accomplice of this woman. You had her eliminate the other terrorists to try and hide the evidence. Unfortunately for you, the bomb never went off and we know that NTM Publishing Corp. funded the..."

"Corp.?" I interrupted. "I own NTM Publishing Inc."

The agent checked some documents. "Oh. Looks like we made a mistake." He cut the rope. "You can go."

"Don't I get an apology?"

"We don't have time, sir. There are terrorists attacks going on right now and--"

"So you're telling my you have time to explain to me why you can't apologize to me, but you don't have time to actually apologize."

He glared at me. "Fine... Sorry!"

"See; that wasn't so hard. Can I get your insurance information? You did hit me earlier."

It took a while to get all the information I needed, but after about an hour I let him go. Still, there was the question of why my wife was at a nuclear power plant with terrorists. When I get home, Lucy will have some splain'n to do.

Rating: 3.1/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (14)
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April 23, 2007
State of the Frank Report
Posted by Frank J. at 04:01 PM

This is the part of the blog where I write about my day for those interested.

I didn't feel I had time to celebrate the death of Aquaman with the monkey still living, so the weekend was spent designing a bullet apt for killing a monkey. The goal was for the bullet to fragment inside the monkey shredding its insides. The monkey would then vomit up its liquefied organs while I laugh and sip a martini.

As I was perfecting the round this morning and cleaning up the watermelons I was using as test subjects, the doorbell rang. "Someone is at the door for you!" SarahK shouted.

I hate having my genius interrupted. "Who?"

"Someone in a bat costume."

"Man or woman?"

"Man."

Batman! "I'm coming." There Batman stood at our entryway with his tiresome grim expression. "When did you start using the doorbell?"

"I've been getting in trouble lately for no-knock raids. We need to talk."

"I'm sure of it." I stared at him a moment. "I'm used to meeting you in a dark alleyway where you can be a bit intimidating. In full light, though, you just look ridiculous. Your accessory belt really does bring out the color in your blouse, though."

"That's uncalled for. I get enough people trying to imply I'm gay with the whole Robin thing, so I don't need..."

"I really don't need the story of your life," I interrupted. "What are you here for?"

"Aquaman has gone missing."

I couldn't help but laugh. "Did you try checking the ocean."

"This is serious! He was a founding member of the Justice League! Also, there is evidence of foul play."

But I covered my tracks! "What evidence?"

"A body was found floating in the harbor in Miami. From how bloated the corpse was, they thought he must have been dead for weeks. Then they realized it was Rosie O'Donnell and she's still alive."

"Is she talking?"

"Nothing sensible so far."

I grinned. "That's our Rosie. So, how long do you have to put up this pretense of an investigation?"

He was quiet a moment. "The others aren't going to let this go."

"And I don't care. I need you influence in getting the moon nuked."

"It will look suspicious to have another vote on that matter so soon after--"

I backhanded him. "Cowboy up, Batman, and nuke the moon! This is a matter of national security, and I don't need pathetic excuses!"

He glared at me. "Fine, but one of these days it's going to come down between you and me."

"Whatever. Just move your gay little car before the home owners association complains about it being parked on the street."

He stormed out and I slammed the door.

"Be careful if you fight him," SarahK warned. "He looks sneaky."

"I'm not scared of flying rodents or those who dress as them. I need to get back to working on my monkey killing bullet."

"Maybe you should forget about that and work on other things. It's just a monkey."

Just a monkey! I stared at her. Something was up. "What did you do?"

"I made a pie!" She took a pie out of the oven. It was apple and an obvious omen of bad things to come.

Rating: 2.8/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (13)
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April 19, 2007
State of the Frank Report
Posted by Frank J. at 04:05 PM

This is the part of the blog where I write about my day for those interested.

I told my wife I was off to implement my plan to kill Aquaman and that I'd be home by dinner. She told me not to bother returning if Aquaman wasn't dead and that we'd be having pork chops tonight.

The drive to Miami was uneventful as ever as I only had the flat, barren land of Florida to look at. Still, I could only assume Aquaman was following figuring -- quite rightly -- that I was up to something.

When I got to Miami, I took some evasive turns towards the docks. I only had to lose Aquaman for a short bit. Sure no one was following me, I parked near my destination. I took a small hot dog stand out of the back of my SUV and placed it on the designated spot at the end of the dock. Next to it I put a sign saying "Free Hot Dogs." Then I disappeared into a nearby building where I could watch the scene through a window.

I had a contact pass out fliers to fatties on the beach. Now I just had to wait for one to take the bait. The important thing was that there would be no connection between me and this victim.

Rosie O'Donnell came clomping down the dock. "Hot dogs!" she bellowed and charged the food. When she reached the hot dog stand, the dock broke beneath her and she plopped into the water. It didn't take long for her to notice the dorsal fins circling her. "Someone save me before Bush uses this as an excuse to have a war with Iran!"

I had another contact chum the waters here since I first came up with the plan. Now all that was left was Aquaman to attempt his usual impotent heroics.

He didn't disappoint.

"Don't panic!" he yelled as he ran for the water. "I'll get you out of there!"

"Bush is doing this to me because I know too much!" Rosie burbled.

"I highly doubt you know much of anything, so remain still." Aquaman jumped in the water.

I activated my device. It made no sound; only a little green LED indicated it was working (I didn't feel like spending the extra money for a blue one). Basically it just sent out garbage on a specific frequency.

A very specific frequency.

Fear slowly crept onto Aquaman's face as he realized that, for the first time in his life, the fish were not responding to him. The sharks kept closing in on him, and he was so shocked he didn't even seem to know what to do. He finally struck at one, but another came from behind. Finally, he went under water and a splotch of crimson bubbled to the surface.

Thus ends the story of Aquaman. All that's left now is to see how much I can get for a fish telepathy jammer on eBay.

Rating: 2.8/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (15)
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April 18, 2007
State of the Frank Report
Posted by Frank J. at 04:05 PM

This is the part of the blog where I write about my day for those interested.

"Why haven't you killed the monkey?"

"Why haven't you killed Aquaman?"

"Why haven't you nuked the moon?"

"Shouldn't you be working on killing the monkey now?"

"When are going to write another 'Know Thy Enemy'?"

My wife's questions were beginning to vex me. "While Aquaman is watching me, it's too risky to take on the monkey. Also, Aquaman is using his vote at the Justice League to keep me from nuking the moon. So, when I take care of Aquaman, I can nuke the moon and kill the monkey."

SarahK practiced throwing her kitchen knife at a dartboard. "You're going to put the monkey on the moon?"

I set down my soldering iron. "No; that's completely separate. I'll devise some other scheme later to take care of the monkey."

"What's wrong with that box trap you made?"

"The monkey is obviously too smart for that seeing how he outsmarted me the other day."

She laughed that mocking laughs of hers, and I felt my soul shrink. "That doesn't mean he's very smart; the dog outsmarted you earlier today."

Rowdi sat nearby still wearing my hat, her tongue hanging out both to help regulate her body temperature and to ridicule me. The dog would gets hers after Aquaman and the monkey.

"So what are you making there?" SarahK asked.

"It's basically a powerful signal broadcaster." I soldered a few more wires. "It's far too complex for a woman's brain to comprehend."

"Whatever; I'm getting annoyed by all this." She flung a steak knife across the room, hitting the dartboard dead center. "Why don't I just kill the monkey for you so it actually gets done."

"No!" I pounded the table with my fist. "It's my kill! I don't need you killing my monkeys, woman!"

"You're a silly billy." She pulled out a gun and shot the dartboard. "If I see any monkeys, I'm going to kill them. That's my policy... same as with the homeless."

I just grunted and continued my work. The most ingenious superhero death was almost ready.

Tomorrow Aquaman dies.

Rating: 3.0/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (11)
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April 17, 2007
State of the Frank Report
Posted by Frank J. at 06:26 PM

This is the part of the blog where I write about my day for those interested.

Despite my injuries, I had important work to do. Aquaman and the monkey would have to wait for their deaths. I took the bag lunch of peanut butter and jelly and Doritos that SarahK prepared for me and headed for my car while checking the trees for movement. Aquaman was nearby watching me, but I paid him no heed.

The drive to Kennedy Space Center was uneventful, but I was in for quite a shock once I got there.

"We're canceling the nuclear strike against the moon?!" I shouted in disbelief, temporarily losing my composure. "Has the administration decided it now hates America, freedom, and apple pie? As long as we're being a bunch of compromising wussies, why don't we just send all the terrorists fruit baskets?"

I had been working on this project for some time. I have been paid well for it, but this was also my baby. You can't imagine how it feels to be told that their going to take away your baby and explode him in an island off of Puerto Rico.

"The President decided that, since this is a non-critical nuclear strike, we should run it by the Justice League," the general there explained. "They voted to stop our strike if we launch it."

I couldn't believe it. "The same Justice League that voted against helping in the Iraq war because it was 'too political'? Why in the world are we even still talking to them? We are nuking the moon for national security purposes -- to show our power -- how can we let some super losers get in the way?"

The general looked defeated. "I'm sorry, but the President has decided not to go against them."

I sat down and thought for a moment. "What was the vote?"

"It was a split vote: three to four. Batman, the Green Lantern, and Martian Manhunter voted to support the strike while Superman, Wonder Woman, the Flash, and Aquaman voted against."

Aquaman! I couldn't believe they actually gave him a vote on their council. Then again, France gets a vote at the U.N. This was too much; first Aquaman was bothering me in my personal life, and now he was bothering me in my work -- preventing America from asserting its power from nuking the moon. "If something happened to one of the voting members, how would that affect the vote?"

The general looked concerned. "What are you planning?"

"Never mind that; just answer the question."

"They'd appoint a new voting member... most likely Black Canary."

And she is a hawk (pardon the pun). It seemed this would be a problem that would solve itself when I took care of Aquaman. It also meant more focus would be on me when Aquaman is found dead. I'll have to be extra careful in this operation.

The peanut butter and jelly sandwich and Doritos were yummy. I never get tired of that.

Rating: 3.1/5 (11 votes cast)

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April 16, 2007
State of the Frank Report
Posted by Frank J. at 04:07 PM

This is the part of the blog where I write about my day for those interested.

To further my plan and kill Aquaman in an elegant and -- if I may say -- a poetic fashion, I'd first need some radio jamming equipment. I had a dealer downtown who often dealt in electronics of questionable legality, but before I got there, I noticed a pair of eyes in a window three stories above me.

Damnable monkey eyes. Staring at me. Boring into my soul.

Apparently the lone survivor had followed me, deciding to attack me when I was away from home... when I was more vulnerable.

I pulled out my .45. If the monkey wanted to end things now, I was game.

I charged into the apartment building, running to the third story and counting doors until I was pretty sure I had the apartment the monkey must have hid in. I then kicked in the door as I disengaged the thumb safety on my gun.

The family inside screamed at me. "It's okay; I'm a popular blogger," I told them as I kept my eyes down the sights of my gun looking for monkey movement.

I heard scurrying and fired two shots through the wall.

"Maybe we should call the police," the mother there said.

I grabbed the cordless phone from her and smashed it against the wall. "They'd only get in the way." I heard a window open and ran into the kitchen. The breeze billowed the drapes and I looked out the window for the monkey expecting to see him scurrying down the a pipe.

A cabinet popped open behind. I spun around and tried to aim my gun, but I was too late. I got off one unaimed shot before two monkey feet slammed me in chest sending me out the window. I plummeted towards the streets, smashing into a soft top car. Through pained-filled eyes, I could see the monkey jump out the window and fly off in a little monkey hang glider.

Outsmarted by a monkey. It was not a good day.

"Having trouble, Mr. Fleming?"

I recognized the voice. It was Aquaman. I groped around me until I found my gun. I then put it back into its in-the-waist holster and rolled off of the car. "I'm doing awesome. How are those swimming lessons at the Y working out for you?"

He glared at me. "I'm keeping an eye on you."

I shrugged. "What? Is it suddenly illegal to fall out of a window?" I walked off to finish my errand.

I still can't believe his obsession with me; it's not like he actually cares about some dead monkeys. It's not my fault what happened to you last year, Mr. Curry, but, when you die, it will be by my hands.

That I swear.

Rating: 2.7/5 (8 votes cast)

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April 13, 2007
State of the Frank Report
Posted by Frank J. at 04:05 PM

This is the part of the blog where I write about my day for those interested.

Many think that Aquaman's ability to command the creatures of the sea is something magical, but it can be quantified scientifically. Like any other signal that goes through the air, it operates on a specific frequency. And when I know that frequency, Aquaman will die.

Reading up on how brains operate, I was able to limit down the possible frequencies in which Aquaman's telepathy might operate. I then set a frequency scanner by those parameters.

"Dear, I'm heading out to stalk Aquaman."

She reluctantly turned her attention away from her soap opera. "You still have the monkey to kill."

"And die it shall, but the monkey I most want off my back right now is Aquaman. I'll be back in time for dinner."

"I'll try to notice." She looked back to her show and waved me away.

At the zoo, Aquaman's CSI friend had left (I was careful; there was nothing to find), but Mr. Curry was still staring at the ashes of the monkey cages as if he could command them to give him answers. It was an obsession -- and a very unhealthy once since it was going to cause me to kill him.

"Whatcha doin'?" My interrogator was a chubby child eating cotton candy. He stared at my frequency scanner with the incomprehension of a dog watching an opera.

"Did your parents ever tell you not to talk to strangers?"

"No."

"Probably because they hate you because you're so fat and are hoping some stranger will do you in." I noticed a nearby tank. "I'll honor their wishes." I snatched his cotton candy and tossed it into the tank.

"My candy!" He waddled towards the tank, leaned over the railing reaching for his cotton candy, and stretched his arms out for until gravity won over.

At the sound of the splash, I faded into nearby crowd. "A kid has fallen into the stingray tank!" a woman shouted.

Aquaman ran forward for the rescue. "Just stay still and they won't hurt you," he told the blubbering child. Stingrays were an extremely minor threat, but instinctively Aquaman must have told them to move out of the way, because they fled as he reached in.

And my scanner caught the signal. It wasn't enough data to properly breakdown how his telepathy worked, but it was enough for my purposes. By the time Aquaman had used his super strength to lift the wet dumpling to safety, I was gone.

Enjoy this minor act of heroism, Aquaman, for it shall be your last.

Rating: 3.0/5 (6 votes cast)

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April 12, 2007
State of the Frank Report
Posted by Frank J. at 05:50 PM

This is the part of the blog where I write about my day for those interested.

To kill Aquaman, I must first find his weakness.

I was bit exhausted today because I had to fend off a savage attack by my dog. She's a pit bull, so random, deadly attacks are just part of her personality. Still, recuperating gave me a chance to stay in and plot.

On our kitchen table I spread out newspaper articles and research papers on Aquaman. It would probably be easier to organize all the information on a computer, but when plotting to kill I like to have physical things to hold... to crush.

"Why waste your time with this?" My wife was cleaning her stainless steel .45. "Just shoot him in the face and get this over with."

I laughed. "This isn't going to be some drive by shooting by a gangbanger with his pants around his ankles; I'm plotting to kill a superhero. This is a game of chess." I didn't want this kill to be traced back to me either. No more loose ends to worry about.

SarahK finished assembling the gun and raked the slide triumphantly. "Just make sure he never bothers us again. You still have that monkey to take care of, remember?"

Of course I can remember; I can feel its eyes on me every time I'm near a window. But first things first.

One newspaper article caught my eye. Aquaman saved a swimmer from sharks. He simply swam in, grabbed the youth, and swam out without a care.

And that's his weakness. He is so used to commanding sea creatures, it's not even something he has to think about anymore. And after the incident outside of Tucson, he's been even more reckless.

You think you can swim with the sharks, Aquaman? We'll see about that.

Rating: 2.8/5 (9 votes cast)

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April 11, 2007
State of the Frank Report
Posted by Frank J. at 04:00 PM

This is the part of the blog where I write about my day for those interested.

One of the cats -- the fat calico -- played with a cricket today. The cat ripped off the legs and then watched then insect squirm around as it slowly died. When the cat became bored, it retreated to the corner of the room to lick itself.

Cute things, those cats.

I wish I such luxury to enjoy my kill, but I needed the monkey killed quickly and efficiently. I already have too much to worry about and need closure for this episode.

The trap is simple. It's a box with an apple dangling in its center. When the monkey reaches in and grabs the apple, razor wire will go taut and slice off the monkey's arm. The monkey will then bleed to death while I stand on my back porch smoking a cigar and sipping bourbon.

Trap in hand, I went to get a ladder so as to place it in one of the trees out back. What I saw, though, were two people searching through the ashes of the monkey cages. One was instantly recognizable as Aquaman. The other took me a moment to place. He was Lieutenant Caine, a crime scene investigator from Miami. Aquaman used to frequent Miami quite a bit so they were old friends.

"If you take off your sunglasses, it might help you see any clues," I called out to the Lieutenant.

Aquaman turned his attention to me. "What do you have there?"

"A box; they're used for holding things. If you guys get tired of looking at those dead monkeys, just give me a holler and I'll see if I have some more interesting ones in my basement."

"This area is at sea level." Lieutenant Caine took off his sunglasses in a dramatic fashion. "You don't have a basement."

"It's called a joke, sherlock. You two have fun. Just don't have gay sex while children are watching." Me and my box headed back for the garage.

This is too much. I won't be able to do anything while Aquaman and his friends are constantly looking over my shoulder. Thus, I must finally do what Black Manta never could.

I must kill Aquaman.

Rating: 3.0/5 (10 votes cast)

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April 10, 2007
State of the Frank Report
Posted by Frank J. at 04:02 PM

This is the part of the blog where I write about my day for those interested.

They counted the bodies from the fire. One monkey was unaccounted for.

Dammit.

Of course, as we all know, it's quite hard to sort out charred monkey corpses. Plus, they were locked in tight when I set the fire; none should have been able to escape.

That's what I told myself, but then I thought I saw something move in the trees behind my house. If the monkey didn't kill me, the uncertainty would.

The only way I could find solace would be to set a trap for the simian -- one that would surely kill it if the monkey were in fact stalking me and planning its revenge. Something quick and deadly so that one shriek would mark the end of this saga.

I tried looking up traps on Wikipedia, but one gets the sense that none of those internet nerds has ever killed anything... has ever watched something slowly bleed to death until its life fades from its eyes much like a polaroid in reverse. No, if I wanted a trap, I'd have to devise it myself. And I'd have no rest until I did.

SarahK prepared a lovely dinner of lemon-mustard chicken and garlic broccoli with pine nuts. It looked quite delicious, but then the dog barked at something unseen out the window. My stomach clenched with dread, and I had no appetite. "Sorry, dear wife, but I'm just not hungry."

She grabbed me by the collar and stared at me with her intense green eyes. "Next time, stay and make sure they all die!"

I hate it when she's right.

Rating: 2.6/5 (10 votes cast)

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April 09, 2007
State of the Frank Report
Posted by Frank J. at 04:09 PM

This is the part of the blog where I write about my day for those interested.

The monkey cages mysteriously burned down last night.

The police took me in for questioning. I gave them the usual answers:

"I was fast asleep."

"I honestly don't know how a steel cage could burn down either."

"No, I love all simians."

"I don't even know what a blog is. It must be some other Frank J."

"I'll give you my gun if you give me yours."

After three hours of this, they let me go. They had nothing.

I thought I had gotten away scot-free, but there, waiting outside my home, was Aquaman.

"Well, hello, Mr. Curry." I placed my hand in my pocket for the reassuring touch of my gun. "Justice League not keeping you busy?"

Aquaman had seen better days; from the looks of him, he still hadn't mentally recovered from the incident at Tuscon. He was five days overdue for a shave and two months behind on his haircut. Instead of his usual orange and green, he was in street clothes -- a leather jacket and jeans. There was nothing to him that suggested he was the former king of Atlantis other than eyes that portrayed a sharp intellect. "You say you were sleeping when the fire broke out, but the fish in the penguin sanctuary tell a different story."

I forced a laugh. "Why don't you give me a call when the courts start accepting the testimony of tuna, then." I walked past him into my house and slammed the door behind me. No matter what I did, Aquaman was always there trying to ruin things for me.

The operative word is "trying."

Note to Self: Next time, poison any nearby fish.

Rating: 2.0/5 (5 votes cast)

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April 06, 2007
State of the Frank Report
Posted by Frank J. at 12:03 PM

Most blogs started as online diaries, but I don't usually blog about myself because my life is not particularly interesting. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, then sleep -- what's to say? Still, in the interest of more content, I'll just try and blog what's on my mind.

Anyway, it's been a troubling time for me. The city ended up building a zoo next to my house. Now, when I look out my bedroom, I see a chain link fence, and, just beyond that, the monkey cages. During the day, it's constant screeching. The monkeys just scream all day long. You'd think their voices would get hoarse, but they screech from sun up to sun down.

At night it's worse, though. At night, they are completely silent. They don't even move. And when I look out my window while lying in bed, all I see are these unblinking eyes staring right at me. Every time I look, they do nothing but stare. I don't know what's going through their wretched monkey minds, but all night their gaze is upon me. I try not to look, but I can't help it. There, reflecting the moonlight, are all those inhuman eyes upon me.

One night, I went to bed as usual and looked out and saw those horrible eyes. Getting somewhat used to it, I eventually fell asleep. I awoke at about three in the morning for no particular reason. When I looked out the window, the eyes were gone. I saw nothing but the dark of night. And then I heard a noise in the house. I found nothing awry, but, needless to say, I got no more sleep that night.

I don't like monkeys.

Rating: 2.7/5 (8 votes cast)

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