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Totally True Tidbits Archives

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May 09, 2006
Totally True Tidbits About Australia
Posted by Harvey at 08:58 AM

As Frank J. briefly mentioned, Australia was actually Britain's first attempt at a penal colony. What he didn't mention was that they stopped using it once they discovered that it was a lot cheaper to ship people off to Ireland and just steal their potatoes until they got so depressed that they emigrated to America and became crooked cops. Frank also forgot to mention these other:

TOTALLY TRUE TIDBITS ABOUT AUSTRALIA



* Australia is sometimes referred to as the "island continent". This is not exactly true, as it is actually connected to Asia by a series of underwater tunnels constructed by Aquaman prior to starting his so-called crime-fighting "career".

* Australia was originally a British penal colony for exiled thieves and murderers. It is not to be confused with France, which was originally a British penal colony for the cowardly and annoying.

* Australia eventually outgrew its shady past and evolved into a modern civilized nation. France has yet to make that particular leap.

* The basic unit of Australian currency is giant cans of beer, which explains why Australian men have gargantuan arm muscles.

* Australia is known for its vast, wooly herds of opals.

* It's also known for its many sheep mining operations.

* The kangaroo is a pouched marsupial native to Australia. Most women own them for storage purposes, since purses are illegal in Australia.

* Rabbits are considered a pest in Australia. Although somewhat cute and fuzzy, they tend to wander the country in packs, destroying everything in sight, and pooping everywhere with no respect for property rights, much like American hippies.

* The central portion of Australia is a dry, barren wasteland containing nothing of interest. Think of it as the real-world equivalent of an "Air America" broadcast day.

* The Prime Minister of Australia is John Howard, and not, as most Americans assume, Steve Irwin. The confusion IS understandable, since Howard keeps a pair of crocodiles chained to the throne of terrorist skulls upon which he sits.

* Contrary to a popular American stereotype, most Australians do NOT wear hats decorated with crocodile teeth or sell Subarus. That was just a phase Paul Hogan went through before he found Goth.

* Dingoes are wild dogs native to Australia, and shouldn't be confused with Ding-Dongs, which have less hair, and more cream filling.

* Koala bears, also native to Australia, may look cute and cuddly, but they are actually very dangerous. If you see one, don't make any sudden moves - just give him your wallet and hope he doesn't hurt you.

* Australians are strong, loyal, trustworthy, and fierce fighters. If for some unimaginable reason you don't own a gun, consider carrying an Australian in your holster instead.

* A platypus is an odd-looking creature that appears to be a cross between a duck and a beaver. They live primarily in water and to confuse biologists.

* Ayers' Rock is an incredibly huge rock that... well... it... um... that is... er... uh... anyway, it's really big, so don't make it angry.

* But the best thing about Australians is that they have a great sense of humor. Even if some stupid American comes along and pokes a little good-natured fun at them they'll just laugh and [WHACK!] OW! MY NOSE!



Completely off-topic, does anyone know how to extract a giant can of beer from your sinus cavity?

Rating: 2.7/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (16)
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January 20, 2006
Totally True Tidbits About Glenn Reynolds' DNA
Posted by Harvey at 10:41 PM

(A Filthy Lie)

After being discovered in Los Angeles surrounded by a pile of recently-sacrificed hobos, Glenn Reynolds underwent a DNA test to see if he was the real killer.

Well, you KNOW what happens to DNA evidence in trials for murders committed in California, so Glenn walked, based on the fact that his hobo-murdering gloves were two sizes too small.

Ah, the power of washing things in hot water.

Nevertheless, I *did* manage to get ahold of a copy of the lab report on Glenn's DNA, from which I compiled (in the extended entry) these:



TOTALLY TRUE TIDBITS ABOUT GLENN REYNOLDS' DNA

Read More...


Rating: 2.3/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (6)
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August 06, 2005
Totally True Tidbits About Uranium
Posted by Harvey at 07:18 PM

In honor of today (August 6th) being the 60th anniversary of the atomic bombing of Hiroshima, I thought I'd celebrate by posting some completely useless - and probably untrue - bits of trivia about the delightful element that makes pretty mushroom clouds possible. So here are some:

TOTALLY TRUE TIDBITS ABOUT URANIUM



Natural uranium ore isn't concentrated enough to use in weapons, and must first be enriched - usually by stealing from minorities and the working poor.

The original motto of the United States was "E Pluribus Uranium", a Latin phrase meaning, "We will nuke you many times".

Uranium was discovered by French scientists Pierre and Marie Curie in 1898, who immediately surrendered in the face of its radioactive might.

John Bolton's moustache is made of uranium - just another reason to FEAR THE STACHE!

Saddam Hussein's moustache is NOT made of uranium - reports by Joe Wilson to the contrary notwithstanding.

Uranium is highly unstable and will decay rapidly if it doesn't brush its teeth twice daily.

Since 1945, uranium has consistently voted Republican to avoid being drafted to fight in another foreign war.

Due to its unique atomic structure, uranium possesses the power of flight when placed at the tip of a missile.

Using complex laboratory procedures, uranium can be taught to obey simple commands like "speak" and "roll over".

The word "uranium" comes from the Japanese word "Yu-hae-te-wum" which means "BOOM!"

Although poisonous in large doses, small amounts of uranium are actually nutritious, and can be found in such popular cereals as "Count Atomica" and "Nuke-lee-O's"

The chemical symbol for uranium is "U", which may explain why Joe Wilson was recently spotted sneaking around the set of Sesame Street.

"Uranium" is the only word in the English language which - if used in a Google Images search - will NOT return pictures of naked women.

"SarahK" won't either, but that's not technically a word.

Admit it. You just Google Image searched "SarahK" to see if I was right, didn't you?

You are SO going to hell for that.

In a battle between Aquaman and uranium, Aquaman would explode like a hamster in a microwave.

If uranium bites you, you will develop super powers. Use these only for good, lest you explode like Aquaman.

Despite uranium being hunted to near extinction, PeTA refuses to fight for uranium protection legislation.

This may be because uranium is bright and shiny instead of cute and furry, but this doesn't explain why PeTA annually slaughters thousands of innocent dogs.

Unless Glenn Reynolds secretly works for PeTA...

Contrary to popular myth, President Bush does NOT pronounce the word "uranium" as "u-nar-i-um".



HAPPY BOOM DAY, EVERYONE!

Mushroom _Cloud.jpg

Rating: 1.9/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (6)
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July 08, 2005
The Truth About Frank J.
Posted by Harvey at 10:39 PM

(A Filthy Lie)

In honor of his third blogiversary (July 9th), I thought I should promulgate some important information about Frank J.

It's not always pretty, but the readership deserves to know these:

TOTALLY TRUE TIDBITS ABOUT FRANK J.



Frank J is actually a demented cyber-demon from another dimension, and his "In My World" posts are reprints from his world's version of the New York Times.

Even though Frank J. professes to like guns, he doesn't actually own any. His only weapon is a pair of fingernail clippers.

These were recently confiscated at the airport, so he is now defenseless. Go punch him.

The real reason that SarahK won the IMAO T-shirt babe contest can be deduced from the fact that Frank J. took that now-famous winning picture with his Crotch-Cam.

Frank J. has been known to use third-rate, spam-infested search engines like Alltheweb.com instead of Google when doing research for his Frank Answers posts. This may explain why a question such as "How many parsecs in a light year?" will receive answers like "V!@GR@"

Frank J. has a web site. People visit, receive immense pleasure, and go away. Yet afterwards, Frank J. still has his web site, which he will use again and again in an attempt to make money. Although this is analagous to what a prostitute does, this does not make Frank J. a whore.

A T-shirt pimp, maybe, but not a whore.

The Peace Gallery picture of Frank J. wielding a katana? Not really him. It's actually a hand-painted miniature left over from his geeky Dungeons & Dragons days, i.e. last week.

Frank J's grandfather, Frank H., was exiled from France in 1939 because - due to a tragic childhood accident - he was unable to raise both arms above his head, thus making him unfit for French citizenship.

Despite Frank J.'s devotion to the Christian faith, God still thinks Scrappleface is funnier.

When he goes to the shooting range, Frank J. always draws chimp ears on the targets and screams "Die, you simian bastard!" between trigger squeezes.

You laugh now, but when the monkey menace invades, you'll be begging for Frank's protection.

Frank J. is NOT happy to see you. That's just a pistol in his pocket.

Or possibly a pair of nail clippers.

When he's not blogging or podcasting, Frank J. is secretly buying black-market fissionable materials and missile technology from former Soviet-bloc countries. That moon ain't gonna nuke itself, ya know.

In a battle between Frank J. and Aquaman, Frank J. would hold a flounder hostage and threaten it with a Popeil Pocket Fisherman while he made good his escape.

In a battle between Frank J. and Hurricane Dennis, Frank would defeat the blustery winds of doom with his mighty katana and fierce battle cry of "I am the great Frank J.! Worship me!"

Which he'd say twice.



I hope this clears up some of the mystery surrounding the legend that is Frank J.

Happy Blogiversary, Ronin.

Rating: 2.8/5 (29 votes cast)

Comments (9)
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May 10, 2005
Totally True Tidbits About The Netherlands
Posted by Harvey at 08:03 AM

George W. Bush is visiting Europe & Russia this week as part of the "See? I Told You So!" Victory Tour, although the official excuse is to mark the 60th anniversary of VE Day (or "Don't Make Us Come Over There Again Day", as it's known in the US). Naturally, Bush's visit caused thousands of smelly Euro-hippies to take to the streets in The Netherlands.

No, I've never heard of that country either.

So I did some Googling so I could present (in the extended entry) these:

TOTALLY TRUE TIDBITS ABOUT THE NETHERLANDS

Read More...


Rating: 2.9/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (20)
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May 04, 2005
Hanoi Jane's Book Signing
Posted by Harvey at 08:45 PM

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

A couple weeks ago, a man spit tobacco juice at Jane Fonda during a book signing. As you can imagine, I was quite upset about this, because that's really no way to treat tobacco juice.

So I was thinking... what would I like to see happen at a Jane Fonda book signing that's not quite so abusive towards spit? Since Jane made a name for herself by lying about Vietnam veterans, maybe I should go to her next book signing and sell a book containing:

TOTALLY TRUE TIDBITS ABOUT JANE FONDA



* Jane Fonda is the daughter of famous actor Henry Fonda, who is best known for his role in not giving Jane enough spankings as a child.

* Despite the similarity of the name, Jane Fonda is not a tasty cheese sauce for dipping pieces of bread in.

* Like the beaver, Jane Fonda must constantly gnaw down trees, lest her front teeth grow too long and puncture her lower jaw.

* There are no other beaver-related tidbits about Jane Fonda

* Don't even go there.

* Although the word "traitor" is often tossed around lightly when talking about anti-war protestors, in Jane Fonda's case, it should be hurled with great force after being written on a rock.

* In a battle between Aquaman and Jane Fonda, Aquaman would tell lies about Jane and encourage his aquatic friends to spit on her at airports.

* In the 80's, Jane Fonda produced a popular workout tape along with a best-selling diet book, "Puke Yourself Pretty".

* Jane Fonda currently lives in a small house in the woods that's made out of gingerbread, where she survives by cooking and eating lost children.

* Some people say that Jane Fonda only married Ted Turner for his money, but the truth is that she just has a thing for powerful men with cheesy moustaches.

* This may explain all those "secret admirer" notes that John Bolton's been getting lately.

* In 1990, Jane Fonda retired from movie-making because she was weary of assuming human form in public.

* She had modest success writing children's books such as "Green Eggs and Communism" and "Horton Hears a Mao".

* Her groundbreaking work for the advancement of feminism includes being the only woman ever to win a John Kerry Look-Alike award.

* Jane Fonda is the owner of Fonda Farms, a California ranch that raises deformed frogs which are planted in swamps across the country so that crazed hippies can claim Bush's environmental policies are destroying the planet.

* Jane Fonda's current horrific appearance is NOT the result of botched plastic surgery, but rather it was caused by being dropped into a vat of chemicals by Batman.

* During the last election, Jane Fonda missed becoming Pope by 3 votes.

* Apparently some of the Cardinals hated Barbarella because it didn't feature enough pointy hats.

* Other Cardinals were more appreciative of what pointiness it DID offer.

* When listening to a Jane Fonda political speech, do not attempt make sense out of anything she says or operate heavy equipment.

* When carefully considering their respective life stories, it becomes obvious that Jane Fonda is actually the Bizarro World version of Arnold Schwarzeneggar.



If there's anything else that belongs in my upcoming best-selling novel "Jane's World", let me know in the comments.

Rating: 2.4/5 (8 votes cast)

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April 26, 2005
Totally True Tidbits About Saudi Arabia
Posted by Harvey at 07:52 AM

President Bush met with Crown Prince Abdullah of Saudi Arabia in Texas yesterday where they discussed important things like the price of oil and how Saudi Arabia might become our newest nuclear weapons testing ground if they don't get on board the anti-terror train in a big hurry.

WOOOOOO! WOOOOOO!

But the sad fact is that most Americans don't really know all that much about our partner in the Middle East. Except that they're only a "partner" in the sense that - in the war on terror - they provide the terrorists and we provide the kill'n. So to make us all a little wiser, I Googled my little heart out and present (in the extended entry) the following

TOTALLY TRUE TIDBITS ABOUT SAUDI ARABIA

Read More...


Rating: 2.9/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (14)
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April 12, 2005
Totally True Tidbits About Libraries
Posted by Harvey at 07:45 AM

April 10-16 is National Library Week, which is being celebrated across America despite the fact that it blatantly discriminates against illiterates & LiveJournal bloggers.

However, I believe that this is an important event, because without it, I wouldn't have an excuse to make up (in the extended entry) these:

TOTALLY TRUE TIDBITS ABOUT LIBRARIES

Read More...


Rating: 2.5/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (9)
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April 11, 2005
Totally True Tidbits About The American Flag
Posted by Harvey at 08:18 AM

US forces are doing another sweep for stupid terrorists in Baghdad.

I call them "stupid" because you'd think they'd have learned by now that if you're in a place where you can see an American flag surrounded by American soldiers, you shouldn't be a terrorist there because you'll be dead soon.

I mean, isn't that one of the more obvious things represented by the American flag?

In the extended entry, there's some more

TOTALLY TRUE TIDBITS ABOUT THE AMERICAN FLAG


Read More...


Rating: 2.6/5 (25 votes cast)

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March 21, 2005
Totally True Tidbits About ANWR
Posted by Harvey at 08:13 AM

The US Senate recently voted to open the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge to oil exploration. Hearing this made made me so happy that I celebrated by beating up a hippy. While washing the blood off my hands, it occurred to me that I don't actually know anything about ANWR. After extensive Googling however, I still didn't know anything, so (in the extended entry) I made up these

TOTALLY TRUE TIDBITS ABOUT ANWR

Read More...


Rating: 2.5/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (18)
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March 15, 2005
Totally True Tidbits About Hybrid Cars
Posted by Harvey at 07:58 AM

Totally True Tidbits About Hybrid Cars

Honda is piddling themselves with joy over the pending release of their latest hybrid version of the Accord. Unfortunately, the new Accord does NOT run on piddle, so it's not as good of a deal as you might think.

What IS a "hybrid" car, exactly? Well, it's a car that runs partly on gas, partly on electricity, and mostly on the weed-fevered fantasies of filthy hippies who think that spending $5000 to get an extra 2 mpg is actually a bargain because it enhances the self-esteem of spotted owls.

Or something.

Anyway, I assume that everyone else is as ignorant of this whole "hybrid" craze as I am, and I want to keep it that way by presenting (in the extended entry) these:

TOTALLY TRUE TIDBITS ABOUT HYBRIDS

Read More...


Rating: 2.5/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (21)
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March 08, 2005
Totally True Tidbits About Bono
Posted by Harvey at 02:35 PM

For reasons that give new meaning to the word "inexplicable", U2 front man Bono is having his name kicked around as possibly being the next president of the World Bank.

I guess it's not completely insane, though, since nothing says "fiscal responsibility" like wrap-around shades and beard stubble.

However, before handing this man the keys to the kingdom of international graft, bribery, and kickbacks, it would be helpful to know a little more about him. So, with a little help from my friend, "making stuff up as I go along", I present (in the extended entry) these:

TOTALLY TRUE TIDBITS ABOUT BONO

Read More...


Rating: 2.5/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (28)
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March 06, 2005
Totally True Tidbits About Knights
Posted by Harvey at 11:01 PM

Last week Bill Gates was awarded an honorary knighthood by England's Queen Elizabeth. I can't believe she actually thinks that sucking up to America's billionaires by letting them put "Knight Commander of the Most Excellent Order of the British Empire" on their resume is going to make up for burning down the White House.

Some of us haven't forgotten 1812, Queenie.

That aside, it seems there are a lot of misconceptions about knighthood and knights in general. Which is a good thing, because that means that Americans still realize that royalty and nobility are stupid ideas, and the only good use for a Queen is playing her on top of an opposite-colored King.

Monarchy - BOO! HISS!

However, if you're planning a trip to Englandia, it might make you look like less of a retard if you understood some of the local cultural traditions, like the proper way for peasants to wallow in mud, and (in the extended entry) these:

TOTALLY TRUE TIDBITS ABOUT KNIGHTS

Read More...


Rating: 3.0/5 (10 votes cast)

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March 01, 2005
Totally True Tidbits About Nuclear Power
Posted by Harvey at 07:55 AM

It was recently announced that Russia will be selling nuclear fuel to the Iranians for use in the Bushehr nuclear power plant. This is making a lot of folks uneasy, since - given Iran's track record - many fear that this will lead to a sudden release of radioactive material after 444 days and a failed rescue attempt.

Personally, I consider these fears overblown, and I think they're merely the result of the general level of appalling ignorance regarding nuclear power in general. People simply fear what they don't understand. Fortunately for IMAO readers, I served for 4 years on board a nuclear powered aircraft carrier (USS Enterprise - CVN 65), which makes me eminently qualified to shed some much-needed light on the topic (in the extended entry) by pulling out of my magic ass the following:

TOTALLY TRUE TIDBITS ABOUT NUCLEAR POWER

Read More...


Rating: 2.3/5 (10 votes cast)

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February 27, 2005
Totally True Tidbits About The Pope
Posted by Harvey at 02:03 AM

Despite the fact that the Pope has been in the news a lot lately because of his recent health problems, most people don't know much about him. He remains shrouded in mystery like Austin Powers or the true meaning of the letters "IMAO".

It's time to lift the veil of secrecy surrouding the Catholic Church's most powerful figure, even though doing so will probably cause me to be sentenced to that special circle of Hell reserved for blasphemers and journalists. Regardless, some things are more important than the disposition of my immortal soul. Therefore I have plumbed the darkest depths of Google and otherwise just made things up in order to present to you (in the extended entry) these:

TOTALLY TRUE TIDBITS ABOUT THE POPE

Read More...


Rating: 3.2/5 (15 votes cast)

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February 23, 2005
Totally True Tidbits About Belgium
Posted by Harvey at 08:29 AM

President Bush finished up his trip to Belgium, where he spent the last several days doing the diplomatic equivalent of Frank J's Happy Dance and making the Europeans look like the terrorist-coddling schmucks that they are.

Sadly, though, in a recent survey of American adults, 90% of respondents could NOT find Belgium on a map of Europe (50% selected France, and 40% chose Rand-McNally).

Even worse, when asked "What is Belgium?", 75% picked "The University of Wisconsin - Madison football team".

Here at IMAO, we believe that the only way to fight such appalling ignorance is with MORE appalling ignorance, and thus present these:

TOTALLY TRUE TIDBITS ABOUT BELGIUM



* Belgium is a small European country whose main exports include chocolate, waffles, and socialism.

* Belgium is one of the oldest countries in Europe, richly steeped in culture and tradition which has hardly changed from its quaint, 14th century beginnings. Mostly because all the innovators left for America centuries ago, leaving nothing behind but "short bus" people.

* Not all Belgians are socialists, but all socialists are Belgians.

* Wait... I was thinking of rectangles and squares. Nevermind.

#5 The official language of Belgium is German, which was adopted in 1939 on the theory that it's always best to embrace the inevitable.

* On a related note, no one in Belgium has ever bothered to learn French.

* But you Belgiuminians might want to start learning English (see tidbit #5)

* Get some oil for us to steal, first, though.

* Heh. I said "first".

* The capital of Belgium is Brussels, which was named after the brussel sprout because - like the vegetable - the city is disgusting and smells like urine.

* Belgium covers approximately 30,000 square miles - about the size of Michael Moore's breakfast spread.

*Belgians are normally friendly, good-natured creatures, but have been known to savagely attack humans if provoked by, for example, making sudden movements or invading Iraq.

* The headquarters of the European Union is in Brussels because socialists are disgusting and enjoy the smell of urine.

* The national pasttime of Belgium is "Commie-Ball", a game where each team tries to steal the other team's equipment and re-distribute it to the spectators.

* In America, this game is known as "Congress-Ball".

* In Texas, they play a version called "Get-Offa-My-Land-Afore-I-Blows-Yer-Head-Off-Ball"

* Here in Wisconsin, we just drink beer & eat cheese, but we'd watch Commie-Ball if one of the players were named Favre.

* Despite being traitorous, back-stabbing terrorist-coddlers, Belgium is NOT part of the Axis of Weasels. However it may get tapped to fill the opening once we nuke France.

* Oh yeah, Froggie, you're on the list.


I hope you found that as enlightening as *I* did. I didn't know HALF this stuff until I just now made it up. If you have any appalling ignorance you'd like to add, please feel free to do so in the comments.

IMAO - Fighting ignorance, one fact(ish) at a time.

Rating: 3.4/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (32)
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