While most humans have 98% of their DNA in common with a chimp, Glenn is 99% poodle.

Glenn's DNA will begin robot dancing if exposed to pure commie evil and/or Ted Kennedy.

Glenn's DNA was once shot a man for snoring too loud.

Remember that mobile weapons lab they found in Iraq? It was used for manufacturing Glenn's DNA.

Most people have Adenine, Guanine, Cytosine, and Thymine making up their DNA sequences. Glenn has Iodine, Einsteinium, Nitrogen, and Dysprosium, with the most common sequence being "I-N-D-E-E-D".

If Glenn's DNA bites you, you will start blogging by the next full moon.

If you're already a blogger, you will launch a blog ad consortium called "Lingerie Media" which people will make fun of.

Glenn's DNA made a cameo appearance during the Cantina scene in Star Wars. Look closely while Luke is talking to the bartender.

Glenn's DNA is used as currency in Iraq, although they pronounce it "dinar".

DNA tests prove that Glenn Reynolds and Michele Malkin are identical twins, but in an Arnold Shwarzenegger & Danny DeVito kinda way.

The secret ingredient in Underdog's "Super Energy Vitamin Pill" was Glenn's DNA. How's that for irony?

Traces of Glenn's DNA were found all over New Orleans, leading to speculation that Hurricane Katrina was caused by Glenn's typing too fast.

Glenn's DNA shows scars from where he had the "basic human decency" gene surgically removed.

Extensive testing on Glenn's DNA reveals that he's the real father of all those creepy "Village of the Damned" kids.

Glenn's DNA is featured prominently in the "Organic Chemistry Gone Wild: Spring Break" DVD.

Glenn's DNA released a rap album under the name "Vanilla Splice".

Injections of Glenn's DNA will cause a laboratory rat to grow inside a cancerous tumor.

If you're attacked by Glenn's DNA, point behind it and shout, "Look! An unlinked Ann Althouse post!". Flee when it turns to look.

Due to a defect in the 23rd chromosome, Glenn's DNA can NOT be trained to walk down stairs like a Slinky.

"What walks down stairs, alone or in pairs, and makes a slinkity sound?"... GAH! Now I can't get that stupid song out of my head!

Glenn's DNA always cries at the end of "Old Yeller".

Oh, wait... that's for Kennedys.

Nevermind.

* Most people refer to The Netherlands as "Holland", since having the word "The" in your country's name is, like, totally gay.

* Except for The United States of America, which is only gay along the edges.

* They added the "The" to "Netherlands" to differentiate it from all the other cheap knock-off imitation Netherlands that flooded the market after it became popular.

* Damn Chinese and their market-flooding cheap knock-offs!

* The Netherlands used to be called the The Netherregions, but people complained that it sounded too dirty.

* The Netherlands is known for its many windmills, most of which are non-poisonous.

* However, if a windmill bites you - even a non-poisonous one - your will become a lunatic donkey-riding Conquistador.

* It's legal to smoke marijuana in The Netherlands, which would explain why all the filthy Euro-hippie protesters are there in the first place.

* Experts agree that the best Tulips are grown in the Netherlands, having the highest THC content of any Tulip in the world.

* The Netherlands has no official language. It's citizens communicate with each other by hooting like excited monkeys.

* They can, however, be taught English through the judicious application of a cattle prod.

* The official currency of The Netherlands is the Euro, but with a subtle hand gesture, you can persuade most shopkeepers to accept Imperial Credits.

* The government of Saudi Arabia is comprised of a ruling council of 12 of the countries oldest and wisest camels.

* Saudi Arabia contains the Muslim Holy Cities of Mecca and Medina, which - roughly translated from Arabic - mean something like "Disney Land" and "Disney World", respectively.

* Saudi Arabia is bordered on the West by the Red Sea, which is called that because it's where commies go to die.

* When Ted Kennedy books a flight for Saudi Arabia, you'll know his time draws nigh.

* Men in Saudi Arabia wear a white cloth on their heads called a Ghutra. Although some claim to wear it for religious reasons, mostly it's because America has refused to share advanced baseball cap technology with the Saudis.

* There is very little water in Saudi Arabia, so if you see an Arab, shoot him, lest he steal your bottle of Aquafina.

* All muslims are expected to make a pilgrimmage to Mecca at some point in their lives, just as all Japanese must go to Disney Land.

* The main source of revenue in Saudi Arabia is selling bottles of stolen Aquafina to thirsty pilgrims.

* It is against the law for a Saudi man to mate with a camel. Unless his wife has a headache. Which is why Saudi men usually have enough wives to make sure that at least one of them has a headache at all times.

* The Saudis consider dogs to be despicable, unclean animals because they sniff each other's butts. Truth is, a dog's butt smells better than your average Saudi.

* Hey, you can only do so much bathing with one bottle of Aquafina.

* Saudi Arabia was originally populated by wandering tribes of nomadic, wise-cracking rabbits who should've taken a left at Albuquerque.

* A Saudi's weapon of choice is a huge, curved sword called a scimitar. Yeah, they're compensating for something.

* In a battle between Aquaman and Saudi Arabia, Aquaman would be eaten by a carnivorous sand dune, just like in Aladdin.

* Most terrorists come from Saudi Arabia, probably because sand gets in their underwear and makes them irritable.

* Arabs wear loose, flowing robes to help shield them from the desert heat and to hide the water-retaining humps on their backs.

* Arab culture is quite primitive by American standards. Some areas of Saudi Arabia don't even have the SpongeBob movie yet!

* If an Arab threatens you with his scimitar, just shoot him. They don't have "Raiders of the Lost Ark" yet, either.

* Arabs are a protected species, having been hunted nearly to extinction by Giant Sandworms and angry Jews.

* Saudi Arabia has lots of oil, but we can't steal it unless they're not watching us...

* Quick! Look behind you! An angry Jew!

* The easiest way to offend someone in Saudi Arabia is to say that their mother smells like goat. It's probably true, but they just don't like hearing it.

* Much like the internet, libraries are grand repositories of human knowlegde, except with a lot less porn.

* Library books are arranged on the shelves according to the Dewey Decimal System, which replaced the unwieldy Library of Congress classification system and which was named after Donald Duck's nephew, who invented it.

* Ironically, Dewey was illiterate.

* He was also pantsless, adding further irony, since book-reading nerds never get laid.

* Food and drink are not allowed in libraries. Intravenous drugs are fine, though.

* Although being a librarian appears - to the untrained eye - to be a very simple job, it's actually a difficult career requiring a 4-year degree in pantsless duckology.

* In order to best preserve their books, libraries must maintain a constant level of 0% humidity. This is why the most experienced librarians are always withered old crones who look like they've been in the possession of the One Ring of Power for a couple centuries.

* Your library card contains sensitive personal information that terrorists covet. If anyone tries to look at your library card, shoot them.

* If this happens inside the library, use a silencer so as to not disturb other patrons.

* Libraries carry large-print editions of books for the visually impaired. Don't read them or you'll go blind.

* You shouldn't do anything else in a library that'll make you go blind, either. Which is why libraries don't have as much porn as the internet.

* Libraries usually have one small section of books that are written in foreign languages. Since you have no way of knowing what they actually say, you should burn these in case they contain information useful to terrorists or foreigners.

* Libraries have bookmobiles which will come right to your door. This is very convenient if you need to hijack a vehicle for a multi-state crime spree.

* If you've ever wondered what it's like to be in a ticker-tape parade, you can find out by going to a library and blowing it up. WHEEEEE! Flying paper!

* Although rarely seen by non-employees, a library's basement contains non-circulating items, such as rare first-edition novels and the severed heads of people who don't return their books on time.

* Libraries also loan out video tapes, so you can avoid movie-rental fees and STILL enjoy such classics as "Gone With the Wind", "It's a Wonderful Life", and "The Tonya Harding Wedding Video".

* I never said libraries didn't have ANY porn.

* American flags rarely bite unless provoked.

* Methods of provocation include poking it with a stick or being a filthy hippy.

* Each star on the American flag represents one of the 50 states, although McDonalds is eyeballing the naming rights to the one in the upper left corner

* When a patriotic American dies, the flag is lowered to half-staff. When John Kerry dies, expect to see a week of nationwide double-staffing.

* Monkeys have no flag, and must therefore be exterminated.

* Ditto terrorists.

* And the French.

* Yes, I know, TECHNICALLY they have a flag, but they only every really use the white part.

* Some people think it's unpatriotic to buy an American flag unless it's actually made in America. However it really doesn't matter where the flag is originally made, as long as it eventually flies over bullet-ridden terrorist corpses.

* Or live Frenchmen.

* Trust me, they're on the list.

* If an American Flag becomes worn or damaged, it must be disposed of respectfully by burning it in a solemn ceremony. The flag should be neatly folded, set on top of a commie, and set ablaze.

* If you don't have a commie handy, you can use a Kennedy, although these tend to be soggy and not burn well.

* It is disrespectful to wear the American flag as an article of clothing such as a shirt or a pair of pants. Thongs are ok, though.

* In a fight between an American flag and Aquaman, Aquaman would trip over his own damn feet, fall down, and smash his head open on a rock.

* Some people REALLY shouldn't try to fight on land.

* The best way to illuminate your American flag is to place a halogen light no more than 10 feet from the base of the flagpole and aim it toward the lower right corner of the blue field, although purists insist that you should use rockets' red glare.

* The original design for the American flag featured a coiled snake on a white background and the words "Don't F**k With Me!", which was later modified due to pressure from the FCC.

* The best American Flags are made from the bark of the Tree of Liberty, the roots of which must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots & tyrants.

* If Michael Moore were touched by an American flag, he would immediately burst into unholy flame.

* Environmentalist groups describe the area as "pristine", but a better decription would be "19 million acres of ice lightly sprinkled with moose poop".

* The area is called a "refuge" because it's mainly inhabited by pro-Coke polar bears who escaped there to avoid the ethnic cleansing of the Cola Wars in the 1980's.

* Environmentalists claim that drilling in ANWR would disrupt the habitat of the native caribou. However, the plan approved by the Senate specifically allows for moving the caribou onto small reservations and allowing them to open casinos.

* The biggest drawback to drilling in ANWR is that the oil rigs would leave less room for club-swinging when killing baby seals.

* The oil reserves in ANWR are estimated to be some nine billion barrels, which is more than twice that found in an order of McDonald's french fries.

* Oil was first discovered in ANWR by a man named Jed. A poor Eskimo - barely kept his family fed. And then one day he was shootin' at some food...

* ...Black gold. Arctic tea.

* Some people are concerned that local herds of caribou will be decimated. Which is nonsense, since a caribou can only be killed by driving a wooden stake through its heart.

* Being so close to the North Pole, ANWR receives only 15 minutes of daylight per year, which explains why all the caribou haven't yet crumbled to dust.

* There isn't a single paved road anywhere in ANWR. Which is actually a GOOD thing, since it keeps the sightseeing hippies in their badly-in-need-of-a-tune-up Volvos from destroying the pristine wilderness.

* Besides, Buffy the Caribou Killer drives an SUV, so she doesn't need roads.

* Most of ANWR is so remote that it is only accessible by airplane, leading to the obvious conclusion that we should soften it up with airstrikes before stealing the oil.

* Bird lovers are concerned that the proliferation of oil derricks would wind up killing Snow Geese, who might accidentally fly into them. However, this would only kill the weak and stupid, which is in accordance with God's will.

* The strong and healthy would be slaughtered for sport.

* Which is NOT God's will in the strictest sense of the word, but there's a coupon for free Snow Geese in the Bible somewhere, I'm QUITE sure of that.

* A hybrid should always be driven at 85 mph. That way if it looks like you're about to have an accident, you can simply increase your speed to 88 mph, travel back in time, and avoid the situation entirely.

* Although hybrids are packed with advanced technological features, they do NOT float on water. That would be a "hydrofoil".

* Keep that in mind if Ted Kennedy wants to borrow your new hybrid.

* Hybrids do, however, come with a sophisticated Global Positioning System array, so if Ted DOES get his hands on your car, you can call down a S.M.I.T.E.-strike on him.

* The mileage on most hybrids is far less than the estimated mpg listed on the sticker. Car companies avoid liability on this issue by including the legal disclaimer, "Just kidding!"

* Not all hybrids are cars. Generally, a "hybrid" is something of mixed origin that functions better than its separate component parts. For illustration, consider that "Sammy Sosa" = "Steroids" + "Sammy So-So".

* Technically, Vanilla Coke is also a hybrid, since it's of mixed origin, even though it doesn't say "Just kidding!" on the can.

* In a battle between Aquaman and a hybrid, Aquaman's tights would inflate rapidly, like an airbag.

* This does NOT mean that he's just happy to see you.

* The first attempt to create a hybrid car was when the Ford Motor Company attempted to mate Seabiscuit with a Model A. Unfortunately, Seabiscuit burned his willy on the exhaust pipe and the project was terminated.

* Toyota's first hybrid - the Prius - was the result of a successful mating between Seattle Slew and a Corolla. Turns out that the CORRECT hole was under the gas cap.

* Hybrid cars run on a special fuel that's a combination of gasoline, ethanol, and Scooby Snacks.

* Which is why they make a "Scooby-Dooby-Doo!" sound when you start them.

* Hybrids use Nickel-Metal-Hydride (NiMH) batteries, which are highly radioactive and will give you superpowers if you eat them.

* Or possibly kill you. Hard to say. Radioactivity is a fickle mistress.

* A NiMH battery can be charged an infinite number of times unless eaten or drowned by a Kennedy

* Again, don't let Ted borrow your car.

* If you have a hybrid, most states will allow you to use the carpool lanes on their freeways because NiMH batteries are considered sentient beings.

* Yeah, that was a Massachusetts Supreme Court decision. How'd ya guess?

* The batteries in hybrids are recharged by driving them around in thunderstorms and getting hit by lightning.

* If the outside temperature falls below 0 degrees F., your hybrid will shatter into a million pieces. However, like the T-1000, it can re-assemble itself after it warms up.

* The next advancement in automotive technology - hydrogen fuel-cell powered cars - will hit the market in 10 to 20 years. Or a week after you finally buy a hybrid for yourself, whichever comes first.

Bono was originally named Paul Davis Hewson, but changed his name to Bono Vox - an Irish phrase meaning "nose like a tent stake".

Bono currently sings for the band "U2". They were going to name it "V2" after the famous rocket from WWII, but decided it would be silly, since no one associates the Irish with violent destruction.

Most people think that Bono's song "Sunday, Bloody Sunday" was about the shooting of Irish civilians in the streets of Derry in 1972, but it was actually based on Bono's response to being mistakenly given a banana split at a British ice cream parlor.

Sorry, "parlour".

Bono originally played guitar for U2, but switched to vocals after it was discovered that his voice sounded somewhat less like a cat that's just peed on an electric fence than his guitar playing did.

Bono's dynamic stage presence has frequently been compared to that of both Al Gore and William Hung.

Sometimes favorably.

Bono is descended from Irish royalty and counts among his ancestors King Patrick the First, and Lucky the Leprechaun.

U2 often interrupts their concerts to deliver political messages to their audiences, much like the Dixie Chicks, except that U2 only has four boobs on stage instead of six.

Bono was recently nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize for advocating that rich countries write off the debt of third world nations. Personally, I say that if poor countries are dumb enough to put a billion dollars on the Eagles, they should be forced to pay every last dime.

If chosen to head the World Bank, Bono will make debt repayment easier for developing nations by declaring tse-tse flies to be legal tender.

Bono once spent some time working with Greenpeace, an ecoterrorist organization so inept that they were once beaten up by France.

Bono wears sunglasses whenever he goes out in public to protect innocent bystanders from the laser beams that shoot uncontrollably out of his eyes.

He also has near-supernatural healing abilities, and an Adamantium skeleton.

Although Bono was once bitten by a radioactive spider, it had no effect on him, since he's not a nancy-boy like that Peter Parker pansy.

* An honorary knight is just like a regular knight, in that he's allowed to wear the really cool armor. However, the honorary knight isn't allowed to say "Ni!"

* Knights were originally called "nights" because of their almost supernatural ability to fight in total darkness. The spelling was changed because those wacky British are always adding extra letters to perfectly good words.

* Or "wourds", as they say in England

* They were going to call them "niughts", but England's supply of silent u's was already dangerously low.

* They also thought about "ninjas", but that was already taken.

* The British STILL hate the Japanese for that.

* Traditionally, knights were classified as either "white" or "black", depending on whether they were good or evil. In the modern system, however, knights are classified as "blue", "green", "yellow", "orange", or "red" - depending on their threat level.

* French knights are always "yellow", but only because the French classification system is based on bravery.

* By a strange quirk of eytmology, French knights were ALSO once called "nights". This was because of their almost supernatural abilty to drop their weapons and run screaming like girls in total darkness.

* King Arthur's knights were seated at a round table as a symbol of their equality. They originally wanted a dodecagonal table, but the 150-degree angle hadn't been invented yet.

* A knight's most feared weapons were his lance and his laser heat-vision.

* In a battle between Aquaman and a knight, Aquaman would be impaled on the lance and laser-fried like a crispy fish stick.

* Knights were frequently called upon to fight fire-breathing dragons. The main danger from a dragon, though, was not his fire, but his ability to lie convincingly. The dragon would pretend to be the knight's friend, convince the knight that they were on the same side, and - once he had the knight's trust - betray him. Much like what modern-day journalists do to American soldiers.

* The first controlled nuclear chain reaction took place in Chicago in 1942, and ushered in a new era of cheap, sustainable electric power and protests by filthy hippies.

* Coal- and oil-fired power plants burn "fossil fuels" which come from the remains of prehistoric dinosaurs. By contrast, nuclear power plants burn radioactive dinosaurs like Godzilla and Rodan.

* Just kidding. The TRUE source of nuclear power is a mysterious green ooze found in New York sewers.

* No, wait... That's TURTLE power. Nevermind.

* There have been no recorded deaths in the United States from nuclear power plants. This is due to stringent operational procedures and the fact that the safety records keep getting vaporized by atomic fireballs.

* No, NOT the candy.

* Nuclear waste can be safely and permanently disposed of by transporting it in Ted Kennedy's car.

* The source of nuclear power is nuclear fission - the result of subatomic particles coming together energetically. It should only be done by particles who love each other very much and have had their union blessed by the Church.

* The result of fission is the creation of numerous, smaller, high-energy, subatomic particles called "neutrons", or - if the union hasn't been blessed by the Church - "bastardons".

* When most Americans think of nuclear power, they think of Russia's horrific Chernobyl disaster. However, it's not a fair comparison, because - unlike safety-conscious American reactor operators - Commies can't hold their liquor.

* In a battle between Aquaman and a nuclear power plant... wellllll... let's just say that it'd be like a battle between a hamster and a microwave.

* Despite the massive amounts of radiation released in the accident at Three Mile Island, recent studies have found that it was actually less damaging to human beings than exposure to a Half-Time wardrobe malfunction.

* As a nuclear power plant ages, constant exposure to radiation causes the surrounding containment structure to become weak and brittle, like the bones of the elderly. To avoid this problem, modern reactor containment systems are constructed only with the bones of young children.

* If a nuclear power plant bites you, you become an evil, mindless, flesh-eating zombie, just like in that movie, "Lady and the Tramp".

* BRAAAAAAAINS...

* Which, speaking from personal experience, isn't NEARLY as bad as it sounds.

* Except for the whole "being owned by Disney" part,

* The Pope lives in Vatican City, or Pope-opolis, as it's known to the locals.

* Vatican City has a zero birth rate and everyone living there is completely celebate. Think of it as the anti-Utah.

* When it's time to choose a new Pope, the faithful are alerted to whether a new Pope has been selected by the color of the smoke coming from the Vatican chimney. If it's white, a new Pope has been chosen. If it's black, the Cardinals are still deliberating. If there's no smoke, the Cardinals are still holding in their bong hits.

* Numerous songs and poems have been written in honor of the Pope, mostly because so many words rhyme with it.

* I mean - hope, soap, dope, cope, rope, taupe, antelope, colonoscope... these things practically write themselves.

* The Pope is sometimes called the "Pontiff", which should not to be confused with "pilaf", which has more rice and less divine capacity for forgiving sins.

* The Pope's staff is carved from a single piece of Jordanian Olive Wood, which is the same type of wood in the staff that Moses used to part the Red Sea and explains why the Pope-mobile never gets stuck in traffic.

* If a Pope bites you, you become one.

* Assuming you get a 2/3 majority from the College of Cardinals.

* In a battle between the Pope and Aquaman, the Pope would bless the water surrounding Aquaman, transforming it into Holy Water, and causing Aquaman to burst into flame. POPE WINS!

* Although the Pope usually avoids politics for "render unto Ceaser" reasons, he personally leans toward socialism, despite not being a Belgiuminian.

* In a battle between the Pope and Satan, we'd finally discover whose side Aquaman is REALLY on.

* The Pope's hat is made of imported Chinese silk, sewn together with solid gold thread, and contains almost as much magical power as John Kerry's.

* The Pope frequently entertains the Cardinals by saying "Hey Rocky! Watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat!" and then pulling out a lion.

* Catholicism is America's #1 religion, with Frank-J.-worship coming in a close second.

* Although Popes are friendly, docile creatures, there is no record of any successful attempt to get them to breed while in captivity.

* Or under any other circumstances.

* Which is a shame, because in the early history of our country, vast herds of wild Popes used to cover the Great Plains. However, the Indians hunted them to the brink of extinction after the White Man killed all the buffalo.

* When the old Pope dies, the College of Cardinals convenes in the Sistine Chapel, where they vote for a new Pope by beheading one another with swords until the last man standing wins THE PRIZE.

* Just like in that movie, "Dirty Dancing".

If I overlooked any vital Pope-related information, please feel free to leave your own tidbits in the comments.