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May 09, 2006
Totally True Tidbits About Australia
Posted by Harvey at 08:58 AM
As Frank J. briefly mentioned, Australia was actually Britain's first attempt at a penal colony. What he didn't mention was that they stopped using it once they discovered that it was a lot cheaper to ship people off to Ireland and just steal their potatoes until they got so depressed that they emigrated to America and became crooked cops. Frank also forgot to mention these other:
* Australia is sometimes referred to as the "island continent". This is not exactly true, as it is actually connected to Asia by a series of underwater tunnels constructed by Aquaman prior to starting his so-called crime-fighting "career".
* Australia was originally a British penal colony for exiled thieves and murderers. It is not to be confused with France, which was originally a British penal colony for the cowardly and annoying.
* Australia eventually outgrew its shady past and evolved into a modern civilized nation. France has yet to make that particular leap.
* The basic unit of Australian currency is giant cans of beer, which explains why Australian men have gargantuan arm muscles.
* Australia is known for its vast, wooly herds of opals.
* It's also known for its many sheep mining operations.
* The kangaroo is a pouched marsupial native to Australia. Most women own them for storage purposes, since purses are illegal in Australia.
* Rabbits are considered a pest in Australia. Although somewhat cute and fuzzy, they tend to wander the country in packs, destroying everything in sight, and pooping everywhere with no respect for property rights, much like American hippies.
* The central portion of Australia is a dry, barren wasteland containing nothing of interest. Think of it as the real-world equivalent of an "Air America" broadcast day.
* The Prime Minister of Australia is John Howard, and not, as most Americans assume, Steve Irwin. The confusion IS understandable, since Howard keeps a pair of crocodiles chained to the throne of terrorist skulls upon which he sits.
* Contrary to a popular American stereotype, most Australians do NOT wear hats decorated with crocodile teeth or sell Subarus. That was just a phase Paul Hogan went through before he found Goth.
* Dingoes are wild dogs native to Australia, and shouldn't be confused with Ding-Dongs, which have less hair, and more cream filling.
* Koala bears, also native to Australia, may look cute and cuddly, but they are actually very dangerous. If you see one, don't make any sudden moves - just give him your wallet and hope he doesn't hurt you.
* Australians are strong, loyal, trustworthy, and fierce fighters. If for some unimaginable reason you don't own a gun, consider carrying an Australian in your holster instead.
* A platypus is an odd-looking creature that appears to be a cross between a duck and a beaver. They live primarily in water and to confuse biologists.
* Ayers' Rock is an incredibly huge rock that... well... it... um... that is... er... uh... anyway, it's really big, so don't make it angry.
* But the best thing about Australians is that they have a great sense of humor. Even if some stupid American comes along and pokes a little good-natured fun at them they'll just laugh and [WHACK!] OW! MY NOSE!
Completely off-topic, does anyone know how to extract a giant can of beer from your sinus cavity?
January 20, 2006
Totally True Tidbits About Glenn Reynolds' DNA
Posted by Harvey at 10:41 PM
After being discovered in Los Angeles surrounded by a pile of recently-sacrificed hobos, Glenn Reynolds underwent a DNA test to see if he was the real killer.
Well, you KNOW what happens to DNA evidence in trials for murders committed in California, so Glenn walked, based on the fact that his hobo-murdering gloves were two sizes too small.
Ah, the power of washing things in hot water.
Nevertheless, I *did* manage to get ahold of a copy of the lab report on Glenn's DNA, from which I compiled (in the extended entry) these:
While most humans have 98% of their DNA in common with a chimp, Glenn is 99% poodle.
Glenn's DNA will begin robot dancing if exposed to pure commie evil and/or Ted Kennedy.
Glenn's DNA was once shot a man for snoring too loud.
Remember that mobile weapons lab they found in Iraq? It was used for manufacturing Glenn's DNA.
Most people have Adenine, Guanine, Cytosine, and Thymine making up their DNA sequences. Glenn has Iodine, Einsteinium, Nitrogen, and Dysprosium, with the most common sequence being "I-N-D-E-E-D".
If Glenn's DNA bites you, you will start blogging by the next full moon.
If you're already a blogger, you will launch a blog ad consortium called "Lingerie Media" which people will make fun of.
Glenn's DNA made a cameo appearance during the Cantina scene in Star Wars. Look closely while Luke is talking to the bartender.
Glenn's DNA is used as currency in Iraq, although they pronounce it "dinar".
The secret ingredient in Underdog's "Super Energy Vitamin Pill" was Glenn's DNA. How's that for irony?
Traces of Glenn's DNA were found all over New Orleans, leading to speculation that Hurricane Katrina was caused by Glenn's typing too fast.
Glenn's DNA shows scars from where he had the "basic human decency" gene surgically removed.
Extensive testing on Glenn's DNA reveals that he's the real father of all those creepy "Village of the Damned" kids.
Glenn's DNA is featured prominently in the "Organic Chemistry Gone Wild: Spring Break" DVD.
Glenn's DNA released a rap album under the name "Vanilla Splice".
Injections of Glenn's DNA will cause a laboratory rat to grow inside a cancerous tumor.
If you're attacked by Glenn's DNA, point behind it and shout, "Look! An unlinked Ann Althouse post!". Flee when it turns to look.
Due to a defect in the 23rd chromosome, Glenn's DNA can NOT be trained to walk down stairs like a Slinky.
"What walks down stairs, alone or in pairs, and makes a slinkity sound?"... GAH! Now I can't get that stupid song out of my head!
Glenn's DNA always cries at the end of "Old Yeller".
And remember, the most commonly available source of Glenn Reynolds' DNA is rent-by-the-hour motel mattresses.
Oh, wait... that's for Kennedys.
August 06, 2005
Totally True Tidbits About Uranium
Posted by Harvey at 07:18 PM
In honor of today (August 6th) being the 60th anniversary of the atomic bombing of Hiroshima, I thought I'd celebrate by posting some completely useless - and probably untrue - bits of trivia about the delightful element that makes pretty mushroom clouds possible. So here are some:
Natural uranium ore isn't concentrated enough to use in weapons, and must first be enriched - usually by stealing from minorities and the working poor.
The original motto of the United States was "E Pluribus Uranium", a Latin phrase meaning, "We will nuke you many times".
Uranium was discovered by French scientists Pierre and Marie Curie in 1898, who immediately surrendered in the face of its radioactive might.
John Bolton's moustache is made of uranium - just another reason to FEAR THE STACHE!
Saddam Hussein's moustache is NOT made of uranium - reports by Joe Wilson to the contrary notwithstanding.
Uranium is highly unstable and will decay rapidly if it doesn't brush its teeth twice daily.
Since 1945, uranium has consistently voted Republican to avoid being drafted to fight in another foreign war.
Due to its unique atomic structure, uranium possesses the power of flight when placed at the tip of a missile.
Using complex laboratory procedures, uranium can be taught to obey simple commands like "speak" and "roll over".
The word "uranium" comes from the Japanese word "Yu-hae-te-wum" which means "BOOM!"
Although poisonous in large doses, small amounts of uranium are actually nutritious, and can be found in such popular cereals as "Count Atomica" and "Nuke-lee-O's"
The chemical symbol for uranium is "U", which may explain why Joe Wilson was recently spotted sneaking around the set of Sesame Street.
"Uranium" is the only word in the English language which - if used in a Google Images search - will NOT return pictures of naked women.
"SarahK" won't either, but that's not technically a word.
Admit it. You just Google Image searched "SarahK" to see if I was right, didn't you?
You are SO going to hell for that.
In a battle between Aquaman and uranium, Aquaman would explode like a hamster in a microwave.
If uranium bites you, you will develop super powers. Use these only for good, lest you explode like Aquaman.
Despite uranium being hunted to near extinction, PeTA refuses to fight for uranium protection legislation.
This may be because uranium is bright and shiny instead of cute and furry, but this doesn't explain why PeTA annually slaughters thousands of innocent dogs.
Unless Glenn Reynolds secretly works for PeTA...
Contrary to popular myth, President Bush does NOT pronounce the word "uranium" as "u-nar-i-um".
HAPPY BOOM DAY, EVERYONE!
July 08, 2005
The Truth About Frank J.
Posted by Harvey at 10:39 PM
In honor of his third blogiversary (July 9th), I thought I should promulgate some important information about Frank J.
It's not always pretty, but the readership deserves to know these:
TOTALLY TRUE TIDBITS ABOUT FRANK J.
Frank J is actually a demented cyber-demon from another dimension, and his "In My World" posts are reprints from his world's version of the New York Times.
Even though Frank J. professes to like guns, he doesn't actually own any. His only weapon is a pair of fingernail clippers.
These were recently confiscated at the airport, so he is now defenseless. Go punch him.
Frank J. has been known to use third-rate, spam-infested search engines like Alltheweb.com instead of Google when doing research for his Frank Answers posts. This may explain why a question such as "How many parsecs in a light year?" will receive answers like "V!@GR@"
Frank J. has a web site. People visit, receive immense pleasure, and go away. Yet afterwards, Frank J. still has his web site, which he will use again and again in an attempt to make money. Although this is analagous to what a prostitute does, this does not make Frank J. a whore.
A T-shirt pimp, maybe, but not a whore.
Frank J's grandfather, Frank H., was exiled from France in 1939 because - due to a tragic childhood accident - he was unable to raise both arms above his head, thus making him unfit for French citizenship.
Despite Frank J.'s devotion to the Christian faith, God still thinks Scrappleface is funnier.
When he goes to the shooting range, Frank J. always draws chimp ears on the targets and screams "Die, you simian bastard!" between trigger squeezes.
You laugh now, but when the monkey menace invades, you'll be begging for Frank's protection.
Frank J. is NOT happy to see you. That's just a pistol in his pocket.
Or possibly a pair of nail clippers.
When he's not blogging or podcasting, Frank J. is secretly buying black-market fissionable materials and missile technology from former Soviet-bloc countries. That moon ain't gonna nuke itself, ya know.
In a battle between Frank J. and Aquaman, Frank J. would hold a flounder hostage and threaten it with a Popeil Pocket Fisherman while he made good his escape.
In a battle between Frank J. and Hurricane Dennis, Frank would defeat the blustery winds of doom with his mighty katana and fierce battle cry of "I am the great Frank J.! Worship me!"
Which he'd say twice.
I hope this clears up some of the mystery surrounding the legend that is Frank J.
Happy Blogiversary, Ronin.
May 10, 2005
Totally True Tidbits About The Netherlands
Posted by Harvey at 08:03 AM
George W. Bush is visiting Europe & Russia this week as part of the "See? I Told You So!" Victory Tour, although the official excuse is to mark the 60th anniversary of VE Day (or "Don't Make Us Come Over There Again Day", as it's known in the US). Naturally, Bush's visit caused thousands of smelly Euro-hippies to take to the streets in The Netherlands.
No, I've never heard of that country either.
So I did some Googling so I could present (in the extended entry) these:
* People who live in The Netherlands are called "Dutch", which makes about as much sense as calling peole who live in France "Great - yet humble - warriors"
* Most people refer to The Netherlands as "Holland", since having the word "The" in your country's name is, like, totally gay.
* Except for The United States of America, which is only gay along the edges.
* They added the "The" to "Netherlands" to differentiate it from all the other cheap knock-off imitation Netherlands that flooded the market after it became popular.
* Damn Chinese and their market-flooding cheap knock-offs!
* The Netherlands used to be called the The Netherregions, but people complained that it sounded too dirty.
* The Netherlands is known for its many windmills, most of which are non-poisonous.
* However, if a windmill bites you - even a non-poisonous one - your will become a lunatic donkey-riding Conquistador.
* It's legal to smoke marijuana in The Netherlands, which would explain why all the filthy Euro-hippie protesters are there in the first place.
* Experts agree that the best Tulips are grown in the Netherlands, having the highest THC content of any Tulip in the world.
* The Netherlands has no official language. It's citizens communicate with each other by hooting like excited monkeys.
* They can, however, be taught English through the judicious application of a cattle prod.
* The official currency of The Netherlands is the Euro, but with a subtle hand gesture, you can persuade most shopkeepers to accept Imperial Credits.
If I overlooked any important facts about the Netherlands, let me know in the comments.
May 04, 2005
Hanoi Jane's Book Signing
Posted by Harvey at 08:45 PM
A couple weeks ago, a man spit tobacco juice at Jane Fonda during a book signing. As you can imagine, I was quite upset about this, because that's really no way to treat tobacco juice.
So I was thinking... what would I like to see happen at a Jane Fonda book signing that's not quite so abusive towards spit? Since Jane made a name for herself by lying about Vietnam veterans, maybe I should go to her next book signing and sell a book containing:
* Jane Fonda is the daughter of famous actor Henry Fonda, who is best known for his role in not giving Jane enough spankings as a child.
* Despite the similarity of the name, Jane Fonda is not a tasty cheese sauce for dipping pieces of bread in.
* Like the beaver, Jane Fonda must constantly gnaw down trees, lest her front teeth grow too long and puncture her lower jaw.
* There are no other beaver-related tidbits about Jane Fonda
* Don't even go there.
* Although the word "traitor" is often tossed around lightly when talking about anti-war protestors, in Jane Fonda's case, it should be hurled with great force after being written on a rock.
* In a battle between Aquaman and Jane Fonda, Aquaman would tell lies about Jane and encourage his aquatic friends to spit on her at airports.
* In the 80's, Jane Fonda produced a popular workout tape along with a best-selling diet book, "Puke Yourself Pretty".
* Jane Fonda currently lives in a small house in the woods that's made out of gingerbread, where she survives by cooking and eating lost children.
* Some people say that Jane Fonda only married Ted Turner for his money, but the truth is that she just has a thing for powerful men with cheesy moustaches.
* This may explain all those "secret admirer" notes that John Bolton's been getting lately.
* In 1990, Jane Fonda retired from movie-making because she was weary of assuming human form in public.
* She had modest success writing children's books such as "Green Eggs and Communism" and "Horton Hears a Mao".
* Her groundbreaking work for the advancement of feminism includes being the only woman ever to win a John Kerry Look-Alike award.
* Jane Fonda is the owner of Fonda Farms, a California ranch that raises deformed frogs which are planted in swamps across the country so that crazed hippies can claim Bush's environmental policies are destroying the planet.
* During the last election, Jane Fonda missed becoming Pope by 3 votes.
* Apparently some of the Cardinals hated Barbarella because it didn't feature enough pointy hats.
* Other Cardinals were more appreciative of what pointiness it DID offer.
* When listening to a Jane Fonda political speech, do not attempt make sense out of anything she says or operate heavy equipment.
* When carefully considering their respective life stories, it becomes obvious that Jane Fonda is actually the Bizarro World version of Arnold Schwarzeneggar.
If there's anything else that belongs in my upcoming best-selling novel "Jane's World", let me know in the comments.
April 26, 2005
Totally True Tidbits About Saudi Arabia
Posted by Harvey at 07:52 AM
President Bush met with Crown Prince Abdullah of Saudi Arabia in Texas yesterday where they discussed important things like the price of oil and how Saudi Arabia might become our newest nuclear weapons testing ground if they don't get on board the anti-terror train in a big hurry.
But the sad fact is that most Americans don't really know all that much about our partner in the Middle East. Except that they're only a "partner" in the sense that - in the war on terror - they provide the terrorists and we provide the kill'n. So to make us all a little wiser, I Googled my little heart out and present (in the extended entry) the following
* Saudi Arabia is named after an Arabic phrase meaning "Land of Kitty Litter".
* The government of Saudi Arabia is comprised of a ruling council of 12 of the countries oldest and wisest camels.
* Saudi Arabia contains the Muslim Holy Cities of Mecca and Medina, which - roughly translated from Arabic - mean something like "Disney Land" and "Disney World", respectively.
* Saudi Arabia is bordered on the West by the Red Sea, which is called that because it's where commies go to die.
* When Ted Kennedy books a flight for Saudi Arabia, you'll know his time draws nigh.
* Men in Saudi Arabia wear a white cloth on their heads called a Ghutra. Although some claim to wear it for religious reasons, mostly it's because America has refused to share advanced baseball cap technology with the Saudis.
* There is very little water in Saudi Arabia, so if you see an Arab, shoot him, lest he steal your bottle of Aquafina.
* All muslims are expected to make a pilgrimmage to Mecca at some point in their lives, just as all Japanese must go to Disney Land.
* The main source of revenue in Saudi Arabia is selling bottles of stolen Aquafina to thirsty pilgrims.
* It is against the law for a Saudi man to mate with a camel. Unless his wife has a headache. Which is why Saudi men usually have enough wives to make sure that at least one of them has a headache at all times.
* The Saudis consider dogs to be despicable, unclean animals because they sniff each other's butts. Truth is, a dog's butt smells better than your average Saudi.
* Hey, you can only do so much bathing with one bottle of Aquafina.
* Saudi Arabia was originally populated by wandering tribes of nomadic, wise-cracking rabbits who should've taken a left at Albuquerque.
* A Saudi's weapon of choice is a huge, curved sword called a scimitar. Yeah, they're compensating for something.
* In a battle between Aquaman and Saudi Arabia, Aquaman would be eaten by a carnivorous sand dune, just like in Aladdin.
* Most terrorists come from Saudi Arabia, probably because sand gets in their underwear and makes them irritable.
* Arabs wear loose, flowing robes to help shield them from the desert heat and to hide the water-retaining humps on their backs.
* Arab culture is quite primitive by American standards. Some areas of Saudi Arabia don't even have the SpongeBob movie yet!
* If an Arab threatens you with his scimitar, just shoot him. They don't have "Raiders of the Lost Ark" yet, either.
* Arabs are a protected species, having been hunted nearly to extinction by Giant Sandworms and angry Jews.
* Saudi Arabia has lots of oil, but we can't steal it unless they're not watching us...
* Quick! Look behind you! An angry Jew!
* The easiest way to offend someone in Saudi Arabia is to say that their mother smells like goat. It's probably true, but they just don't like hearing it.
50 IMAO points to the first person to cause an international incident by using that last bit of advice.
April 12, 2005
Totally True Tidbits About Libraries
Posted by Harvey at 07:45 AM
April 10-16 is National Library Week, which is being celebrated across America despite the fact that it blatantly discriminates against illiterates & LiveJournal bloggers.
However, I believe that this is an important event, because without it, I wouldn't have an excuse to make up (in the extended entry) these:
* In a battle between Aquaman and a library, Aquaman be brutally attacked by book after book and die from paper-cut induced blood-loss.
* Much like the internet, libraries are grand repositories of human knowlegde, except with a lot less porn.
* Library books are arranged on the shelves according to the Dewey Decimal System, which replaced the unwieldy Library of Congress classification system and which was named after Donald Duck's nephew, who invented it.
* Ironically, Dewey was illiterate.
* He was also pantsless, adding further irony, since book-reading nerds never get laid.
* Food and drink are not allowed in libraries. Intravenous drugs are fine, though.
* Although being a librarian appears - to the untrained eye - to be a very simple job, it's actually a difficult career requiring a 4-year degree in pantsless duckology.
* In order to best preserve their books, libraries must maintain a constant level of 0% humidity. This is why the most experienced librarians are always withered old crones who look like they've been in the possession of the One Ring of Power for a couple centuries.
* Your library card contains sensitive personal information that terrorists covet. If anyone tries to look at your library card, shoot them.
* If this happens inside the library, use a silencer so as to not disturb other patrons.
* Libraries carry large-print editions of books for the visually impaired. Don't read them or you'll go blind.
* You shouldn't do anything else in a library that'll make you go blind, either. Which is why libraries don't have as much porn as the internet.
* Libraries usually have one small section of books that are written in foreign languages. Since you have no way of knowing what they actually say, you should burn these in case they contain information useful to terrorists or foreigners.
* Libraries have bookmobiles which will come right to your door. This is very convenient if you need to hijack a vehicle for a multi-state crime spree.
* If you've ever wondered what it's like to be in a ticker-tape parade, you can find out by going to a library and blowing it up. WHEEEEE! Flying paper!
* Although rarely seen by non-employees, a library's basement contains non-circulating items, such as rare first-edition novels and the severed heads of people who don't return their books on time.
* Libraries also loan out video tapes, so you can avoid movie-rental fees and STILL enjoy such classics as "Gone With the Wind", "It's a Wonderful Life", and "The Tonya Harding Wedding Video".
* I never said libraries didn't have ANY porn.
And how will YOU be celebrating National Library Week?
April 11, 2005
Totally True Tidbits About The American Flag
Posted by Harvey at 08:18 AM
US forces are doing another sweep for stupid terrorists in Baghdad.
I call them "stupid" because you'd think they'd have learned by now that if you're in a place where you can see an American flag surrounded by American soldiers, you shouldn't be a terrorist there because you'll be dead soon.
I mean, isn't that one of the more obvious things represented by the American flag?
In the extended entry, there's some more
* American flags rarely bite unless provoked.
* Methods of provocation include poking it with a stick or being a filthy hippy.
* Each star on the American flag represents one of the 50 states, although McDonalds is eyeballing the naming rights to the one in the upper left corner
* When a patriotic American dies, the flag is lowered to half-staff. When John Kerry dies, expect to see a week of nationwide double-staffing.
* Monkeys have no flag, and must therefore be exterminated.
* Ditto terrorists.
* And the French.
* Yes, I know, TECHNICALLY they have a flag, but they only every really use the white part.
* Some people think it's unpatriotic to buy an American flag unless it's actually made in America. However it really doesn't matter where the flag is originally made, as long as it eventually flies over bullet-ridden terrorist corpses.
* Or live Frenchmen.
* Trust me, they're on the list.
* If an American Flag becomes worn or damaged, it must be disposed of respectfully by burning it in a solemn ceremony. The flag should be neatly folded, set on top of a commie, and set ablaze.
* If you don't have a commie handy, you can use a Kennedy, although these tend to be soggy and not burn well.
* It is disrespectful to wear the American flag as an article of clothing such as a shirt or a pair of pants. Thongs are ok, though.
* In a fight between an American flag and Aquaman, Aquaman would trip over his own damn feet, fall down, and smash his head open on a rock.
* Some people REALLY shouldn't try to fight on land.
* The best way to illuminate your American flag is to place a halogen light no more than 10 feet from the base of the flagpole and aim it toward the lower right corner of the blue field, although purists insist that you should use rockets' red glare.
* The original design for the American flag featured a coiled snake on a white background and the words "Don't F**k With Me!", which was later modified due to pressure from the FCC.
* The best American Flags are made from the bark of the Tree of Liberty, the roots of which must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots & tyrants.
* If Michael Moore were touched by an American flag, he would immediately burst into unholy flame.
So... what do YOU know about the American flag?
March 21, 2005
Totally True Tidbits About ANWR
Posted by Harvey at 08:13 AM
The US Senate recently voted to open the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge to oil exploration. Hearing this made made me so happy that I celebrated by beating up a hippy. While washing the blood off my hands, it occurred to me that I don't actually know anything about ANWR. After extensive Googling however, I still didn't know anything, so (in the extended entry) I made up these
* ANWR is located in northern Alaska, a land so barren and desolate that it only has three Wal-Marts.
* Environmentalist groups describe the area as "pristine", but a better decription would be "19 million acres of ice lightly sprinkled with moose poop".
* The area is called a "refuge" because it's mainly inhabited by pro-Coke polar bears who escaped there to avoid the ethnic cleansing of the Cola Wars in the 1980's.
* Environmentalists claim that drilling in ANWR would disrupt the habitat of the native caribou. However, the plan approved by the Senate specifically allows for moving the caribou onto small reservations and allowing them to open casinos.
* The biggest drawback to drilling in ANWR is that the oil rigs would leave less room for club-swinging when killing baby seals.
* The oil reserves in ANWR are estimated to be some nine billion barrels, which is more than twice that found in an order of McDonald's french fries.
* Oil was first discovered in ANWR by a man named Jed. A poor Eskimo - barely kept his family fed. And then one day he was shootin' at some food...
* ...Black gold. Arctic tea.
* Some people are concerned that local herds of caribou will be decimated. Which is nonsense, since a caribou can only be killed by driving a wooden stake through its heart.
* Being so close to the North Pole, ANWR receives only 15 minutes of daylight per year, which explains why all the caribou haven't yet crumbled to dust.
* There isn't a single paved road anywhere in ANWR. Which is actually a GOOD thing, since it keeps the sightseeing hippies in their badly-in-need-of-a-tune-up Volvos from destroying the pristine wilderness.
* Besides, Buffy the Caribou Killer drives an SUV, so she doesn't need roads.
* Most of ANWR is so remote that it is only accessible by airplane, leading to the obvious conclusion that we should soften it up with airstrikes before stealing the oil.
* Bird lovers are concerned that the proliferation of oil derricks would wind up killing Snow Geese, who might accidentally fly into them. However, this would only kill the weak and stupid, which is in accordance with God's will.
* The strong and healthy would be slaughtered for sport.
* Which is NOT God's will in the strictest sense of the word, but there's a coupon for free Snow Geese in the Bible somewhere, I'm QUITE sure of that.
If I failed to include any pertinent ANWR info, please bruise my fragile ego by pointing it out to me in the comments.
March 15, 2005
Totally True Tidbits About Hybrid Cars
Posted by Harvey at 07:58 AM
Totally True Tidbits About Hybrid Cars
Honda is piddling themselves with joy over the pending release of their latest hybrid version of the Accord. Unfortunately, the new Accord does NOT run on piddle, so it's not as good of a deal as you might think.
What IS a "hybrid" car, exactly? Well, it's a car that runs partly on gas, partly on electricity, and mostly on the weed-fevered fantasies of filthy hippies who think that spending $5000 to get an extra 2 mpg is actually a bargain because it enhances the self-esteem of spotted owls.
Anyway, I assume that everyone else is as ignorant of this whole "hybrid" craze as I am, and I want to keep it that way by presenting (in the extended entry) these:
* Because of their sleek, aerodynamic design, a hybrid can be used to bulls-eye womp rats, or any other animal that's not much bigger than two meters.
* A hybrid should always be driven at 85 mph. That way if it looks like you're about to have an accident, you can simply increase your speed to 88 mph, travel back in time, and avoid the situation entirely.
* Although hybrids are packed with advanced technological features, they do NOT float on water. That would be a "hydrofoil".
* Keep that in mind if Ted Kennedy wants to borrow your new hybrid.
* Hybrids do, however, come with a sophisticated Global Positioning System array, so if Ted DOES get his hands on your car, you can call down a S.M.I.T.E.-strike on him.
* The mileage on most hybrids is far less than the estimated mpg listed on the sticker. Car companies avoid liability on this issue by including the legal disclaimer, "Just kidding!"
* Not all hybrids are cars. Generally, a "hybrid" is something of mixed origin that functions better than its separate component parts. For illustration, consider that "Sammy Sosa" = "Steroids" + "Sammy So-So".
* Technically, Vanilla Coke is also a hybrid, since it's of mixed origin, even though it doesn't say "Just kidding!" on the can.
* In a battle between Aquaman and a hybrid, Aquaman's tights would inflate rapidly, like an airbag.
* This does NOT mean that he's just happy to see you.
* The first attempt to create a hybrid car was when the Ford Motor Company attempted to mate Seabiscuit with a Model A. Unfortunately, Seabiscuit burned his willy on the exhaust pipe and the project was terminated.
* Toyota's first hybrid - the Prius - was the result of a successful mating between Seattle Slew and a Corolla. Turns out that the CORRECT hole was under the gas cap.
* Hybrid cars run on a special fuel that's a combination of gasoline, ethanol, and Scooby Snacks.
* Which is why they make a "Scooby-Dooby-Doo!" sound when you start them.
* Hybrids use Nickel-Metal-Hydride (NiMH) batteries, which are highly radioactive and will give you superpowers if you eat them.
* Or possibly kill you. Hard to say. Radioactivity is a fickle mistress.
* A NiMH battery can be charged an infinite number of times unless eaten or drowned by a Kennedy
* Again, don't let Ted borrow your car.
* If you have a hybrid, most states will allow you to use the carpool lanes on their freeways because NiMH batteries are considered sentient beings.
* Yeah, that was a Massachusetts Supreme Court decision. How'd ya guess?
* The batteries in hybrids are recharged by driving them around in thunderstorms and getting hit by lightning.
* If the outside temperature falls below 0 degrees F., your hybrid will shatter into a million pieces. However, like the T-1000, it can re-assemble itself after it warms up.
* The next advancement in automotive technology - hydrogen fuel-cell powered cars - will hit the market in 10 to 20 years. Or a week after you finally buy a hybrid for yourself, whichever comes first.
If you think you know something else about hybrids, you're a damn liar, but leave it in the comments anyway.
March 08, 2005
Totally True Tidbits About Bono
Posted by Harvey at 02:35 PM
For reasons that give new meaning to the word "inexplicable", U2 front man Bono is having his name kicked around as possibly being the next president of the World Bank.
I guess it's not completely insane, though, since nothing says "fiscal responsibility" like wrap-around shades and beard stubble.
However, before handing this man the keys to the kingdom of international graft, bribery, and kickbacks, it would be helpful to know a little more about him. So, with a little help from my friend, "making stuff up as I go along", I present (in the extended entry) these:
As a child growing up in Dublin, Bono practiced his vocal technique by singing with his mouth full of marbles, which allowed him to perfect his trademark incoherant mumble.
Bono was originally named Paul Davis Hewson, but changed his name to Bono Vox - an Irish phrase meaning "nose like a tent stake".
Bono currently sings for the band "U2". They were going to name it "V2" after the famous rocket from WWII, but decided it would be silly, since no one associates the Irish with violent destruction.
Most people think that Bono's song "Sunday, Bloody Sunday" was about the shooting of Irish civilians in the streets of Derry in 1972, but it was actually based on Bono's response to being mistakenly given a banana split at a British ice cream parlor.
Bono originally played guitar for U2, but switched to vocals after it was discovered that his voice sounded somewhat less like a cat that's just peed on an electric fence than his guitar playing did.
Bono's dynamic stage presence has frequently been compared to that of both Al Gore and William Hung.
Bono is descended from Irish royalty and counts among his ancestors King Patrick the First, and Lucky the Leprechaun.
U2 often interrupts their concerts to deliver political messages to their audiences, much like the Dixie Chicks, except that U2 only has four boobs on stage instead of six.
Bono was recently nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize for advocating that rich countries write off the debt of third world nations. Personally, I say that if poor countries are dumb enough to put a billion dollars on the Eagles, they should be forced to pay every last dime.
If chosen to head the World Bank, Bono will make debt repayment easier for developing nations by declaring tse-tse flies to be legal tender.
Bono once spent some time working with Greenpeace, an ecoterrorist organization so inept that they were once beaten up by France.
Bono wears sunglasses whenever he goes out in public to protect innocent bystanders from the laser beams that shoot uncontrollably out of his eyes.
He also has near-supernatural healing abilities, and an Adamantium skeleton.
Although Bono was once bitten by a radioactive spider, it had no effect on him, since he's not a nancy-boy like that Peter Parker pansy.
If there's anything YOU know about Bono that I don't know, go ahead & spout off in the comments.
March 06, 2005
Totally True Tidbits About Knights
Posted by Harvey at 11:01 PM
Last week Bill Gates was awarded an honorary knighthood by England's Queen Elizabeth. I can't believe she actually thinks that sucking up to America's billionaires by letting them put "Knight Commander of the Most Excellent Order of the British Empire" on their resume is going to make up for burning down the White House.
Some of us haven't forgotten 1812, Queenie.
That aside, it seems there are a lot of misconceptions about knighthood and knights in general. Which is a good thing, because that means that Americans still realize that royalty and nobility are stupid ideas, and the only good use for a Queen is playing her on top of an opposite-colored King.
Monarchy - BOO! HISS!
However, if you're planning a trip to Englandia, it might make you look like less of a retard if you understood some of the local cultural traditions, like the proper way for peasants to wallow in mud, and (in the extended entry) these:
* Knighthood is only bestowed on those men who demonstrate the highest levels of bravery, loyalty, and chivalry. And Paul McCartney, on whom the Queen had a crush.
* An honorary knight is just like a regular knight, in that he's allowed to wear the really cool armor. However, the honorary knight isn't allowed to say "Ni!"
* Knights were originally called "nights" because of their almost supernatural ability to fight in total darkness. The spelling was changed because those wacky British are always adding extra letters to perfectly good words.
* Or "wourds", as they say in England
* They were going to call them "niughts", but England's supply of silent u's was already dangerously low.
* They also thought about "ninjas", but that was already taken.
* The British STILL hate the Japanese for that.
* Traditionally, knights were classified as either "white" or "black", depending on whether they were good or evil. In the modern system, however, knights are classified as "blue", "green", "yellow", "orange", or "red" - depending on their threat level.
* French knights are always "yellow", but only because the French classification system is based on bravery.
* By a strange quirk of eytmology, French knights were ALSO once called "nights". This was because of their almost supernatural abilty to drop their weapons and run screaming like girls in total darkness.
* King Arthur's knights were seated at a round table as a symbol of their equality. They originally wanted a dodecagonal table, but the 150-degree angle hadn't been invented yet.
* A knight's most feared weapons were his lance and his laser heat-vision.
* In a battle between Aquaman and a knight, Aquaman would be impaled on the lance and laser-fried like a crispy fish stick.
* Knights were frequently called upon to fight fire-breathing dragons. The main danger from a dragon, though, was not his fire, but his ability to lie convincingly. The dragon would pretend to be the knight's friend, convince the knight that they were on the same side, and - once he had the knight's trust - betray him. Much like what modern-day journalists do to American soldiers.
If I missed any important knight-related information, you can use the comments to spackle in the gaps in my knowledge.
March 01, 2005
Totally True Tidbits About Nuclear Power
Posted by Harvey at 07:55 AM
It was recently announced that Russia will be selling nuclear fuel to the Iranians for use in the Bushehr nuclear power plant. This is making a lot of folks uneasy, since - given Iran's track record - many fear that this will lead to a sudden release of radioactive material after 444 days and a failed rescue attempt.
Personally, I consider these fears overblown, and I think they're merely the result of the general level of appalling ignorance regarding nuclear power in general. People simply fear what they don't understand. Fortunately for IMAO readers, I served for 4 years on board a nuclear powered aircraft carrier (USS Enterprise - CVN 65), which makes me eminently qualified to shed some much-needed light on the topic (in the extended entry) by pulling out of my magic ass the following:
* The first controlled nuclear chain reaction took place in Chicago in 1942, and ushered in a new era of cheap, sustainable electric power and protests by filthy hippies.
* Coal- and oil-fired power plants burn "fossil fuels" which come from the remains of prehistoric dinosaurs. By contrast, nuclear power plants burn radioactive dinosaurs like Godzilla and Rodan.
* Just kidding. The TRUE source of nuclear power is a mysterious green ooze found in New York sewers.
* No, wait... That's TURTLE power. Nevermind.
* There have been no recorded deaths in the United States from nuclear power plants. This is due to stringent operational procedures and the fact that the safety records keep getting vaporized by atomic fireballs.
* No, NOT the candy.
* Nuclear waste can be safely and permanently disposed of by transporting it in Ted Kennedy's car.
* The source of nuclear power is nuclear fission - the result of subatomic particles coming together energetically. It should only be done by particles who love each other very much and have had their union blessed by the Church.
* The result of fission is the creation of numerous, smaller, high-energy, subatomic particles called "neutrons", or - if the union hasn't been blessed by the Church - "bastardons".
* When most Americans think of nuclear power, they think of Russia's horrific Chernobyl disaster. However, it's not a fair comparison, because - unlike safety-conscious American reactor operators - Commies can't hold their liquor.
* In a battle between Aquaman and a nuclear power plant... wellllll... let's just say that it'd be like a battle between a hamster and a microwave.
* Despite the massive amounts of radiation released in the accident at Three Mile Island, recent studies have found that it was actually less damaging to human beings than exposure to a Half-Time wardrobe malfunction.
* As a nuclear power plant ages, constant exposure to radiation causes the surrounding containment structure to become weak and brittle, like the bones of the elderly. To avoid this problem, modern reactor containment systems are constructed only with the bones of young children.
* If a nuclear power plant bites you, you become an evil, mindless, flesh-eating zombie, just like in that movie, "Lady and the Tramp".
* Which, speaking from personal experience, isn't NEARLY as bad as it sounds.
* Except for the whole "being owned by Disney" part,
Anyway, if you're aware of any important nuclear power plant information that I've overlooked, please feel free to leave... your... sweet... sweet... braaaaaains... in the comments.
February 27, 2005
Totally True Tidbits About The Pope
Posted by Harvey at 02:03 AM
Despite the fact that the Pope has been in the news a lot lately because of his recent health problems, most people don't know much about him. He remains shrouded in mystery like Austin Powers or the true meaning of the letters "IMAO".
It's time to lift the veil of secrecy surrouding the Catholic Church's most powerful figure, even though doing so will probably cause me to be sentenced to that special circle of Hell reserved for blasphemers and journalists. Regardless, some things are more important than the disposition of my immortal soul. Therefore I have plumbed the darkest depths of Google and otherwise just made things up in order to present to you (in the extended entry) these:
* The first Pope was the Apostle Peter, who became such when Jesus handed him the keys to the Church. Jesus also handed him a hefty mortgage payment, which is why churches pass collection plates.
* The Pope lives in Vatican City, or Pope-opolis, as it's known to the locals.
* Vatican City has a zero birth rate and everyone living there is completely celebate. Think of it as the anti-Utah.
* When it's time to choose a new Pope, the faithful are alerted to whether a new Pope has been selected by the color of the smoke coming from the Vatican chimney. If it's white, a new Pope has been chosen. If it's black, the Cardinals are still deliberating. If there's no smoke, the Cardinals are still holding in their bong hits.
* Numerous songs and poems have been written in honor of the Pope, mostly because so many words rhyme with it.
* I mean - hope, soap, dope, cope, rope, taupe, antelope, colonoscope... these things practically write themselves.
* The Pope is sometimes called the "Pontiff", which should not to be confused with "pilaf", which has more rice and less divine capacity for forgiving sins.
* The Pope's staff is carved from a single piece of Jordanian Olive Wood, which is the same type of wood in the staff that Moses used to part the Red Sea and explains why the Pope-mobile never gets stuck in traffic.
* If a Pope bites you, you become one.
* Assuming you get a 2/3 majority from the College of Cardinals.
* In a battle between the Pope and Aquaman, the Pope would bless the water surrounding Aquaman, transforming it into Holy Water, and causing Aquaman to burst into flame. POPE WINS!
* Although the Pope usually avoids politics for "render unto Ceaser" reasons, he personally leans toward socialism, despite not being a Belgiuminian.
* In a battle between the Pope and Satan, we'd finally discover whose side Aquaman is REALLY on.
* The Pope's hat is made of imported Chinese silk, sewn together with solid gold thread, and contains almost as much magical power as John Kerry's.
* The Pope frequently entertains the Cardinals by saying "Hey Rocky! Watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat!" and then pulling out a lion.
* Catholicism is America's #1 religion, with Frank-J.-worship coming in a close second.
* Although Popes are friendly, docile creatures, there is no record of any successful attempt to get them to breed while in captivity.
* Or under any other circumstances.
* Which is a shame, because in the early history of our country, vast herds of wild Popes used to cover the Great Plains. However, the Indians hunted them to the brink of extinction after the White Man killed all the buffalo.
* When the old Pope dies, the College of Cardinals convenes in the Sistine Chapel, where they vote for a new Pope by beheading one another with swords until the last man standing wins THE PRIZE.
* Just like in that movie, "Dirty Dancing".
If I overlooked any vital Pope-related information, please feel free to leave your own tidbits in the comments.
February 23, 2005
Totally True Tidbits About Belgium
Posted by Harvey at 08:29 AM
President Bush finished up his trip to Belgium, where he spent the last several days doing the diplomatic equivalent of Frank J's Happy Dance and making the Europeans look like the terrorist-coddling schmucks that they are.
Sadly, though, in a recent survey of American adults, 90% of respondents could NOT find Belgium on a map of Europe (50% selected France, and 40% chose Rand-McNally).
Even worse, when asked "What is Belgium?", 75% picked "The University of Wisconsin - Madison football team".
Here at IMAO, we believe that the only way to fight such appalling ignorance is with MORE appalling ignorance, and thus present these:
* Belgium is a small European country whose main exports include chocolate, waffles, and socialism.
* Belgium is one of the oldest countries in Europe, richly steeped in culture and tradition which has hardly changed from its quaint, 14th century beginnings. Mostly because all the innovators left for America centuries ago, leaving nothing behind but "short bus" people.
* Not all Belgians are socialists, but all socialists are Belgians.
* Wait... I was thinking of rectangles and squares. Nevermind.
#5 The official language of Belgium is German, which was adopted in 1939 on the theory that it's always best to embrace the inevitable.
* On a related note, no one in Belgium has ever bothered to learn French.
* But you Belgiuminians might want to start learning English (see tidbit #5)
* Get some oil for us to steal, first, though.
* Heh. I said "first".
* The capital of Belgium is Brussels, which was named after the brussel sprout because - like the vegetable - the city is disgusting and smells like urine.
* Belgium covers approximately 30,000 square miles - about the size of Michael Moore's breakfast spread.
*Belgians are normally friendly, good-natured creatures, but have been known to savagely attack humans if provoked by, for example, making sudden movements or invading Iraq.
* The headquarters of the European Union is in Brussels because socialists are disgusting and enjoy the smell of urine.
* The national pasttime of Belgium is "Commie-Ball", a game where each team tries to steal the other team's equipment and re-distribute it to the spectators.
* In America, this game is known as "Congress-Ball".
* In Texas, they play a version called "Get-Offa-My-Land-Afore-I-Blows-Yer-Head-Off-Ball"
* Despite being traitorous, back-stabbing terrorist-coddlers, Belgium is NOT part of the Axis of Weasels. However it may get tapped to fill the opening once we nuke France.
* Oh yeah, Froggie, you're on the list.
I hope you found that as enlightening as *I* did. I didn't know HALF this stuff until I just now made it up. If you have any appalling ignorance you'd like to add, please feel free to do so in the comments.
IMAO - Fighting ignorance, one fact(ish) at a time.
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