WASHINGTON, DC (AP) – Democrat congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez held a press conference at which she proposed a “radical new green energy program”. Calling it the “ultimate renewable,” Ocasio-Cortez proposed that freshly-printed $1 bills be shoveled directly into furnaces to provide American with cheap, plentiful electricity.

The Representative from New York’s 14th district discussed the origin and benefits of her proposal.

“I was sitting there writing a bill to fund, like, a huge new green energy program,” said Ocasio-Cortez, “when I realized how wasteful it was. We give money to people and they turn it into, um, like, wind panels and solar turbines or whatever, and then we get electricity. Then it occurred to me – what if there were a way to turn money directly into energy? It’d be so much more efficient! I don’t know why no one else ever thought of that!”

“It’s a very green idea,” Ocasio-Cortez said. “Like, money is made out of paper, which comes from trees, and trees are a renewable resource, just like sunlight and batteries! And what with all these coal plants shutting down because, like, we’re almost out of coal now, I thought maybe they could burn something else instead of coal – like money. Or we could just look into planting more coal trees. I don’t know why no one else ever thought of that.”

“Anyway, so we can just shovel in one dollar bills, which would be like – bonus! – an amazing green job in itself,” continued the freshman Congresswoman. “I guess we could put other bills in there, too, like $20s, but I think those cost 20 times as much to make, which is weird, because they’re the same size. I think it’s because Jackson’s head is so much bigger than Washington’s.”

“The sad part,” concluded Ocasio-Cortez, “is that, like, even though this is a genius idea – I don’t know why no one else ever thought of it – I don’t think Trump will sign it, because I wrote it, and Trump hates colored people of color.”

On his Twitter account, President Trump did, indeed, threaten to veto the bill if it made it to his desk, although he also complimented it, saying “this takes money and turns it into smoke and ash. Biggest return on investment I’ve ever seen from a Democrat bill.”

[IMAO Ace Reporter Frank J. contributed to this story]

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< Secret Documents Prove That NRA Only Supports Gun Rights For Law-Abiding Citizens; Wants To Leave Criminals Defenseless

FAIRFAX, VA (AP) – Critics of the National Rifle Association (NRA) blasted the organization after newly revealed documents prove that the NRA – long hailed as a champion of 2nd Amendment rights – has no interest in seeing those rights apply to everyone. In fact, the documents reveal that the NRA’s official stance is that only law-abiding citizens should be able to own guns, and that criminals should be left disarmed and defenseless.

Long-time NRA opponent Bill Daggett said he was “appalled” by the callous nature of the gun group’s stance.

“Everybody thinks the NRA is all about ‘guns for everybody,'” said Daggett. “People think the NRA wants guns in every house, in every pocket, in every cradle, and strapped on the side of every granny’s walker. But it’s just not true. I have seen proof with my own eyes that the NRA only wants guns in the hands of people who obey the law. Which doesn’t even make any sense. If you never do anything wrong, no one is ever going to shoot at you, so you don’t need a gun.”

“But the flip side of this – and this is the NRA’s dirty little secret that they don’t want anyone to know about – is that the NRA doesn’t want criminals to have ANY GUNS AT ALL!” Daggett exclaimed. “That’s right, the people who are – statistically speaking – most likely to be shot at, the NRA wants them unarmed and helpless. That doesn’t even make any sense. Say a convicted felon wants to go shoot up a school. If the NRA had their way, all the teachers would be armed and the shooter wouldn’t even get to shoot anyone because he wouldn’t be allowed to buy a gun. How’s he supposed to defend himself against all the teachers that would shoot back? How is that fair? How is that even American?”

“And what if he wants to rob a store?” continued Dagget. “You wouldn’t believe how many robbers get shot. It’s a very dangerous line of work. But the NRA doesn’t want the robber to have a gun, just because he has prior felony convictions. What’s he supposed to do? Go in and rob the place with a knife? What about HIS 2nd Amendment rights? Why should he be forced to bring a knife to a gunfight? This is a grotesque insult to the Convicted-American community! Whatever happened to the NRA’s ‘only outlaws will have guns’ slogan? What a lie! Shame on the NRA for hiding their disgraceful secret agenda from the public for so long.”

When asked about the “secret document,” NRA spokesman William Munny at first claimed to be unaware of its existence. However, when confronted with a copy, he admitted it was genuine.

“Yeah, this a printout of the front page of our website, so it’s only ‘secret’ to people who think the NRA site randomly makes your web browser fire live ammunition. Yes, we want law-abiding citizens armed. Preferably to the teeth. Criminals? If they’ve shown they can’t be trusted to handle a gun in a civilized way, we shouldn’t let them do it again.”

“They have a complaint?” concluded Munny. “Guess they should’ve thought about that BEFORE they went all Jesse James.”

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< Twain’s “Adventures of Huckleberry Finn” Banned From School Library for Not Addressing Huck by Preferred Pronoun

PORTLAND, OR (AP) – School library officials at Portland’s Shermer High School announced that the school board has voted to ban Mark Twain’s literary classic, “Adventures of Huckleberry Finn” because of offensive passages in the story where other characters engage in dialogue that fails to use Huck’s preferred pronoun.

Shermer High’s principal, Richard Vernon, explained the board’s controversial decision.

“Some people find their decision a little odd,” said Vernon. “Historically, when ‘Huck Finn’ gets censored, it’s because someone objects to one or more of it’s 219 uses of the N-word. But that’s not the problem. See, the current trend has moved away from being N-offended to N-empowered, where you feel so secure about your dignity that you just shrug it off. Especially when encountering historically accurate usage of the word, like in “Uncle Tom’s Cabin” or “Blazing Saddles”. Quite frankly, the prevailing attitude is that if the only place you can find the N-word these days is in a single 135-year-old book that nobody’s ever read without being threatened with an F from an English teacher, it’s safe to say that African-Americans have won that battle and it’s time to move on.”

“Now, the ‘gender sensitives’ on the other hand, they’re just starting with their own peculiar brand of fussing over things that they don’t like,” Vernon said. “At first they were very embracing of the book because Huck spends a lot of time, you know, alone with an older man. Plus there’s that scene where Huck wears a skirt and tries to pass as female. However, the LGBTIQCAPGNGFNBA community has since enlightened me that there are still ‘issues’ with Twain’s narrative style that need to be addressed. Specifically, Twain’s insistence upon using ‘he/him/his’ exclusively as Huck’s pronouns. When you have a character whose gender is broadly hinted at as being non-binary, it just makes more sense to use non-binary pronouns, like ve/vir/vis or zie/zim/zir.”

“The media is making a big fuss over this,” concluded Vernon, “but it really boils down to chucking the 3 dog-eared copies we have in the library and replacing them with the inclusive version. As soon as that’s done, everyone can declare victory and move on like the African-Americans.”

As press time, Portland’s local LGBTIQCAPGNGFNBA chapter announced its intention to sue Principal Vernon for slander for assuming the discarded books would prefer the pronoun “them”.

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< Student Expelled for Wearing “Gun Free Zone” T-shirt Because It Had a Picture of a Gun on It

SEATTLE (AP) – Chip Douglas, a freshman at Eugene V. Debs High School in Seattle, WA, was given a 3-day suspension and escorted out of the building by police after he was found to be in violation of the school’s “zero tolerance” policy on weapons. Douglas had been wearing a t-shirt that had a picture of a gun inside a red circle with a diagonal line through it and the words “gun free zone”.

Fred Engels, the school’s principal, defended his decision to mete out what some consider “excessive” punishment.

“We got some complaints about it,” said Engels, “but the district has a very strict ‘zero tolerance’ policy when it comes to any form of weapon. You can say ‘oh, it’s just a picture, you can’t hurt anybody with a picture,’ but it’s not the picture that’s the problem. The problem is that someone could see the picture and it will start a chain reaction in their brain, and the next thing you know, someone don’t like Mondays.”

“You have to be harsh about it to some degree,” Engels added. “It’s not just about punishing the one student, it’s about deterring copycats who think that guns are cute or funny or save lives in the hands of good guys. We have to get the message through to everyone. Guns are bad. Always. Everywhere. And anything that looks like a gun is bad. Always. Everywhere. If you don’t stop guns on t-shirts, next you’ll have people nibbling pop-tarts into revolvers and pointing their fingers while saying ‘BANG!’ This is about bringing order to the chaos and anarchy of these youth. They have to be taught to obey every command if they’re going to be model citizens for the people who’ll be ruling this nation after Trump loses next year. I hate Trump!”

“Where was I? Oh, yeah… it’s for the children.”

Douglas, whose parents are suing the school to have his suspension overturned and the incident stricken from his school records, seemed surprised that his choice of outerwear could be the source of such contention.

“It’s weird,” said Douglas, “because my T-shirt is pretty much an exact copy of the gun-free zone signs at every entrance to the school. I just thought that, since they work so well there, the t-shirt would protect me in case a shooter accidentally didn’t see one of the signs.”

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< Democrat Presidential Candidates Clarify: “‘Medicare for All’ Doesn’t Include Us”

OTTUMWA, IA (AP) – During a recent gathering of Democratic presidential candidates at the Iowa State Fair, there was widespread agreement from all those running that if any one of them mentioned “Medicare for All,” it needed to be clearly understood that the word “all” did NOT include the candidate using the phrase.

Elizabeth Warren, who hopes to become America’s first slightly Native American President, chose her words very carefully when speaking to reporters.

“Don’t be stupid,” explained Warren. “Government programs are for the little people, to be paid for by the slightly bigger little people. I’m not a little person, I’m a mover and a shaker and a decision maker. I tell you what’s best for you, and after I make you take it, you say ‘thank you’ by voting for me.”

“People actually want government health care? Sheesh! It’s like they’ve never been to a DMV or a post office. Well, I’m not standing in line with the smelly proles. I’ve already got my exemption lined up, and a private physician on speed dial. I’m good forever. What’s he gonna do? Retire on me? Pretty sure the law against that’ll be part of ‘Medicare for All.'”

Equally adamant about correcting the public record was Kamala Harris, who has seen her poll numbers jump significantly since somehow managing to paint the first black president’s vice-president as a bus-hating bigot.

“Do I look like a sap?” asked Harris. “I would never subject myself to a bureaucratic lemming-jump program like ‘Medicare for All.’ I’d rather drive a Ford Pinto into the side of a GM pickup. At least I’d have a CHANCE to survive that. Letting government doctors get their hands on you is a one-way ticket to being a permanent listee on the Chicago Democrat voter rolls. So, thanks, but no thanks. You guys enjoy.”

Although he was the originator of the ‘Medicare for All’ concept, Bernie Sanders got a distinct “not kissing that porcupine” look on his face when asked about signing up for the program himself.

“Me? Use THIS? Pfft! I’m 900 years old! I need real doctors! And that ‘s’ on the end isn’t an accident. My organs are failing even as I speak! If I don’t force young healthy people into a medical program that will kill them through sheer incompetence, how will I get new organs? Also, under ‘Medicare for All,’ organ donation will be mandatory.”

By way of response, President Trump offered only a single tweet.

“Don’t worry. No one in the Democrat clown car will win in 2020. When I’m reelected, I’ll make sure that ‘Medicare for All’ will never be more than a thing you use to scare your children into eating their vegetables. Like Slenderman or Nancy Pelosi’s eyebrows.”

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< Shocking New Study Shows That the Cure for Racism Is Global Warming

WASHINGTON, DC (AP) – Democrat politicians and liberal activists alike were shocked and dismayed by the release of a new study showing that the only way to end racism in America – and, indeed, in the entire world – is by increasing the rate at which global temperature increases.

Seth Brundle, a brilliant but eccentric climate scientist, issued his findings after years of research into both racism and climate change. He said that “no one was more surprised than I” to find a direct connection between the two phenomenon.

“My eureka moment,” Brundle said, “was when I was listening to my grandparents prattle on about the civil rights protests in the 60s and about those ‘long hot summers’. Well, out of either boredom or curiosity, I looked at some global temperature charts and discovered that there was a definite temperature spike in 1964, the year the Civil Rights Act was passed. I dismissed it as coincidence, but it stayed in my head like a Mentos jingle.”

“Eventually,” continued Brundle, “I checked other dates in civil rights history, and every time, there was a spike. Brown v. Board of Education – spike. Rosa Parks sits in the front of the bus – spike. Obama elected President – half a spike. The connection was undeniable.”

Stathis Borans, a climate scientist who is 97% certain that Brundle is onto something, discussed the implications of the research findings.

“The good news,” said Borans, “is that global warming is curing actual racism. The bad news is that as real racism goes away, those in the race-grievance industry lose money and power. To compensate for this, grievance peddlers will have to market inconsequential, frictional, and incidental episodes of mild rudeness as actual, deliberate, oppressive racism. Sorta like how unscrupulous bartenders water down their whiskey.”

“But while real racism is easy to fix with temperature increases, it takes drastically more heat to burn out fake racism.” Borans said. “Basically the oceans will burst into flame before every microaggression is eliminated.”

A joint statement on the topic issued by the Congressional Black Caucus read simply “shut up and start idling your SUVs.”

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< Toy Story 4 Sparks Liberal Outrage Over Glorification Of Disposable Plastic Eating Utensils

SAN FRANCISCO (AP) – As Toy Story 4 continues to top the box office during an otherwise doldrumatic summer movie season, some activists are calling for its condemnation and boycotting, saying that the movie contains ideas as offensive to eco-sensitive parents as they are dangerous to their vulnerable and impressionable children. Specifically, they are concerned that the movie is sending the message that disposable plastic eating utensils aren’t a threat to the planet, but rather something benign, or possibly even beneficial.

Simon Legree, movie critic for the San Francisco Daily Evening, said that Toy Story 4 posed a “subversive threat” under the guise of children’s entertainment.

“There’s a lot of things wrong with this movie,” Legree said. “First, they went and rated it ‘G’. Who does that in this day and age? It’s supposed to mean it’s safe, but what it really means is that it doesn’t speak a single word of truth to power. It means that it’s an unquestioning tool of societal norms and conventions. Plus, Forky – like the other two main protagonists – is white. Way to toot the racist dog-whistle, Pixar.”

“But that’s not the worst of it,” said Legree. “Here in California, we’ve done a lot of work to stop the deadly plague of plastic straws, or ‘murder tubes‘ as we call them – that kill thousands of people every year with their insidious plasticity. Fortunately, we’ve been able to make a lot of progress in that realm. Most of the forward-thinking people I know just refer to them as ‘the s-word’ now.”

“But it’s not so much the plasticality of Forky as it is the disposability, and that’s what Pixar blatantly glosses over. Instead of being portrayed as an unnatural abomination made of man’s most environmentally deadly material, this disposable piece of pernicious filth is treated like a fun, harmless toy. A TOY! A plastic spork isn’t a TOY! It’s a misbegotten atrocity of man’s technological reach outreaching his sustainable grasp! It’s a nightmare! An outrage! A primeval Lovecraftian horror of doom and madness! Also the tines aren’t very long so it’s hard to eat a salad with one.”

In states where laws are more s-word friendly, however, the opposition to Toy Story 4 tends to be somewhat less strident, with some reviewers actually going so far as to recommend the movie, despite its message of irresponsible profligate mass-consumerism and subtextual promotion of human convenience over environmental responsibility.

Henry Rearden, an online movie reviewer based in Plano, TX, offered his take.

“Yeah, I read Simple Simon’s review,” Rearden said. “He’s a progressive ogre who hates fun like Dracula hates beach volleyball. In 2010, he totally trashed Toy Story 3 because Woody & company got rescued instead of recycled. Anyway, go see Toy Story 4. But only if you like smiling, laughing, and having your heart warmed.”

“As for Simple’s ‘racist dog-whistle’ crack,” added Rearden, “seems to me that if you’re hearing dog whistles, it likely means that you’re the dog. In this case, probably Cujo.”

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< Bill de Blasio: “Glad Fourth Of July Is Over So We Can All Be Normal Again Instead Of Patriotic”

NEW ORLEANS – During a campaign appearance at the Essence Festival, New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio said that he was doubly glad the weekend had come because first, he could address the festival, and second because “the Fourth of July is over so we can all be normal again instead of patriotic.”

De Blasio’s impatience with “red, white, and blue theater” was clearly evident during his speech to his Democrat supporters.

“Don’t get me wrong,” de Blasio said, “America’s an OK country, but it’s got lots of problems. Some people aren’t making $15 an hour, some people don’t have their reparations yet, some people can still buy guns. Trouble EVERYWHERE. But every year, we have to do all that flag-waving, rah-rah garbage because the idiots in Iowa paint stars and stripes on their tractors and sing Lee Greenwood songs. It’s pandering, it’s nauseating, and I’m glad we can put it away for another year. Now, let’s talk about my new program that I guarantee will somehow improve your lives by taking money away from rich people and giving it to my new Department of Spending.”

Speaking on a separate stage, Elizabeth Warren coincidentally chimed in with a similar theme.

“I am deeply ashamed of the biased, racist, violent history of this nation, with its wars of oppression and genocidal attacks on the indigenous people of this nation, of which I am fractionally proud to be one,” said Warren. “I don’t know how people can ignore everything that’s wrong with this horrible nation of greed and unfairness, and think that a few fireworks – and don’t get me started on the massive carbon footprint there – are going to smooth over this nation’s bumps like putting Clearasil on a teenager. Capitalism and its excesses are a cancer on this nation. Which I outline in my new book. Which you should buy. Lots of copies of. So that I can make money. Which is the only reason I’m doing this. Well, that and the free buffets at events like this. Try the potato salad!”

New Jersey Senator Cory Booker also seemed relieved at getting past another patriotic holiday.

“I hate America, and I hate patriotic holidays,” said Booker. “From the eye-poke of Memorial Day to the foot-stomp of Veteran’s Day, and the gut-punch of July 4th in between, I hate them all. It makes me physically ill to have to hold in my contempt for this nation, smiling and nodding while that child-king Trump puts tanks – TANKS! – on our national mall and says nice things about the troops. Well, Putin likes his troops too. That similarity alone is proof enough of collusion for me.”

The only candidate who didn’t vent his rage against America was former Vice President Joe Biden, who is still trying to re-energize his campaign after a dismal debate performance.

“Man! What a great Fourth of July I had!” said Biden. “There were hot dogs and hamburgers and sparklers! Made me feel like a kid again. What a great country! Best one in the world! Ya know what? On day one, I’m signing an executive order to make every day the 4th of July and everyone in the country will get free sparklers! Yay, America!”

As of this writing Mr. Biden was still being sequestered with his Secret Service agents as they tried to clean off the globs of potato salad that had been hurled at him.

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< Berkeley History Department Assigns New Races to Founding Fathers to Meet Diversity Goals

In a move sure to spark broad controversy amid academics and historians across the nation, Berkeley’s History Department Chair has assigned new races to a number of America’s Founding Fathers in an effort to meet Berkeley’s new diversity goals for its history department.

Berkeley’s History Department Chair, Peter Zinoman, said that the new goals, while “challenging”, were also “long overdue”.

“Well, we’ve been in need of a diversity overhaul for a long time in the History Department.” said Zinoman, “Frankly, if we were any whiter, we’d have our own hockey team. And it doesn’t help that all the movers and shakers we study are white, too. It’s not their fault, though. After all, people of color were oppressed and subjugated, so they weren’t really given an opportunity to shape world events. I mean, we’ve tried to compensate by making up things like ‘Black History’, but the ‘accomplishments’ we’re forced to celebrate are just kinda C+ on the grading scale of history. Let’s face it – no matter how much you’d love a big minority score in the historical significance column, Christopher Columbus just wasn’t black.”

A sly grin spread over Zinoman’s face as he continued, eyes a-twinkle, “Or WAS he?”

“We live in a new modern age, and things aren’t always how they appear on the surface. Elizabeth Warren’s a Native American. Rachel Dolezal is an African-American. And these are both girls who would’ve been kicked out of ABBA for being too white. Race is a fluid construct, subject to the desires of the individual. But what about when the individual is dead? Who has the right to declare the deceased’s race? Well, I say it’s to each according to his need. And brother, I need to find someone interesting to be the subject of Berkeley’s history courses. And since the Founding Fathers are there, and too dead to object, I took some liberties with the guardians of liberty.”

American History professor at Berkeley, Ned Brainard, explained some of the changes that have come to his course curriculum under the new edict.

“Well,” said Brainard, “we’re leaving some of the Declaration signers white, like Button Gwinnett and Elbridge Gerry – you know, the ones that no one has heard of or cares about. But some of the guys who actually did important stuff are getting their pigmentation upgraded. Patrick Henry – not only is he black now, but his ‘give me liberty or give me death’ speech has been tweaked into a rap song. Washington… well that’s kind of a black name these days, anyway, so not much of a stretch. Ben Franklin – he had that long hair, so we just photoshopped it into braids and call him Flies-Kite-In-Lightning. So, it’s an Elizabeth Warren situation: might be called Native American, but will never be called President.”

Asked to predict the future of Berkeley’s retroactive affirmative action program, Brainard was “cautiously optimistic.”

“I think the important thing is that the students will be able to feel really good about themselves, now that they can study American history without needing a safe-space break. Their feelings pay my salary. Which is a good thing. If it were their earnings potential, I’d be getting paid in McDonald’s gift cards.”

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< Liberals Unable To Pass Background Checks Necessary To Buy The Guns They’ll Need To Take Guns Away From Law-Abiding Gun Owners

WASHINGTON DC (AP) – While all the major Democrat candidates agree that, if elected, they will implement some sort of gun control legislation as a stepping-stone to the eventual confiscation of all registered firearms, a new study shows a major flaw in this plan. Specifically, liberals will need to buy a lot of guns if they want to force law-abiding citizens to surrender their weapons, but the vast majority of the liberals who would be doing the confiscating would be unable to pass the background check required to purchase a firearm.

Presidential candidate Robert Francis “Beto” O’Rourke called the study “ridiculous”.

“I’ve been in the US Senate for a long time – in my mind – and I know how these things work,” said O’Rourke. “We pass a law, and people do exactly what we want them to do. There’s no arguing, no resistance, just compliance. Like when we raise taxes. The rich always just sit there and give us whatever money we want. It’s not like they hire accountants to exploit loopholes and off-shore tax havens. Pretty sure you have to be a Mexican drug lord before THAT makes financial sense.”

4th in the polls, but first in hating guns, Kamala Harris thought the study “exaggerated the challenges” involved in a firearms confiscation program.

“I consider myself an expert on guns,” said Harris, “and I’ve yet to hear someone that I’m not ignoring say otherwise. If liberals need guns to get the guns away from the gun nuts, we don’t need to give up our weed, domestic violence, and felony convictions to get those guns. We’ll just buy them off the internet. Ain’t no background checks on the internet. I could buy a machine gun off Amazon and have it in two days with free shipping if I wanted. Then I can go up to anyone I want and just point my machine gun at them and say ‘Hey! Gimme your guns!’ and they will, because that’s the law I’m gonna pass when I become President.”

“And I know it’s gonna work,” Harris said, “because we’ll be taking guns away from law-abiding citizens. Obeying the law is what they do. It’s not like we’re trying to take guns out of the hands of criminals.”

While the Democrats we talked to (most of whom wouldn’t agree to speak on the record after hearing that we knew about the “eventual confiscation” part) seemed unperturbed by the report’s warnings, psychologist and Second Amendment expert Robert Hartley explained that elected Democrats often suffer from “short-term thinking disorder”.

“I don’t know why,” said Hartley, “but most elected Democrats seem to have a hard time thinking past the range of their senses. They see something and they try to take it, like a toddler grabbing a Cheerio. They never stop to think that there might be complications.”

“All I can say,” Hartley concluded, “is that the first thing they’ll need to do is pass a new recreational water safety law, since studies show that gun registration laws tend to result in a sharp increase in the number of guns getting lost in tragic boating accidents.”

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< “Welcome An Undocumented Immigrant Into Your Own Home” Website Marks 1000th Consecutive Day of Not Being Visited by Any Democrats

SAN DIEGO – Although “WAUIIYOH” is often touted by the left as the progressive antidote to the privately-funded “We Build the Wall” effort supported by many conservatives, the program often described as “the private citizen version of a sanctuary city” is still struggling to gain traction. As of this writing, the website “Welcome an Undocumented Immigrant Into Your Own Home” has not had a single Democrat visitor, let alone had any Democrats sign up for the program.

Website founder Marco Salamanca started WAUIIYOH in 2016 with high hopes of showing those “stupid Republicans” how much the average American citizen favored a more open-borders position on immigration. He describes attaining this goal as being “still in progress”.

“I know Americans have big hearts and love to share,” said Salamanca, “so I thought ‘let’s show those bigots on the right what a real people-powered people’s solution looks like.’ In this great country, city after city has welcomed our undocumented brethren into their urban bosoms with no ill-effects whatsoever that we can’t dispute, deny, or ignore the documentation for. So I thought ‘why not make it more personal and have people welcome these strangers – who are really just friends they haven’t met yet, who don’t obey laws that unnecessarily inconvenience them – into their very own homes?’ It seemed like the natural next step.”

“Somehow, though, it’s just not catching on,” Salamanca lamented. “This marks the 1000th day of the site’s operation, yet not a single Democrat has visited the site. So far the only visitors have been me and some guy whose website’s named after a communist, like IMarx or something. It’s a weird place. Don’t go there.”

Asked how he knew the political affiliation of the site’s visitors, he explained with a casual shrug, “you’d be surprised what Google knows and sells about you.”

“Anyway,” continued Salamanca, “I refuse to give up on my dream of having every wayfaring waif from South of the Border get matched up with a citizen’s house that he can call home, and I will continue to shout it from the rooftops until that dream becomes a reality!”

Asked how many undocumenteds he was currently sponsoring himself, Salamanca snorted derisively.

“Are you kidding? I’m not letting them into MY house. I have nice things, and I’d like to keep it that way. Nope, I’m just another visionary trying to make a buck off liberal guilt. I’m like the Al Gore of immigration.”

[IMAO Ace Reporter Oppo contributed to this story]
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< High-Profile Corporations Oddly Reluctant to Turn Independence Day Into Month-Long Celebration of American Pride

NEW YORK (AP) – After a number of high profile corporations changed their logos to rainbow colors to mark “LGBTQ+ Pride Month” – which, until recently, was only “Pride Day” – observers were surprised to note that none of them have any plans to turn their logos red, white, and blue for the entire month of July to create a month-long celebration of American pride, which celebration is currently confined to marking Independence Day on July 4th.

Google CEO Sundar Pichai said he’d “considered” celebrating Independence Day for the entire month of July, but decided against it.

“It just doesn’t make sense to make such a big deal out of something that only applies to a handful of people,” Pichai said. “I mean, how many Americans are there, anyway? Two, maybe three hundred? I know the number’s on the internet somewhere, but, ironically, I don’t have time to Google it. Anyway, we’re not gonna tie ourselves in knots just to pander to a tiny demographic.”

“By the way,” added Pichai, “did you see our Doodle for Elena Cornaro Piscopia’s 373rd Birthday? Awesome, right? Now that’s something everyone can appreciate.”

Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey was also dismissive of the notion of “Americanizing” the month of July.

“Ya know,” said Dorsey, “we just did the whole ‘month’ thing, so it’s kind of played out as a marketing gimmick now. People just don’t want that kind of overexposure. Right now we’d prefer to focus on gearing up our merchandising partners for Breast Cancer Awareness Month in October, followed by The 55 Days of Christmas as soon as Halloween is over.

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg refused to even consider “American Pride Month,” saying it would be “a silly idea”.

“Look,” said Zuckerberg, “let’s just say that July 4th only appeals to a… ‘certain demographic’… one that we’re trying hard to marginalize, demonetize, and deplatform on Facebook. To be blunt, we find their choice of lifestyle disgusting. The only reason we tolerate them to the tiny degree that we do is that they’re remarkably good at baking wedding cakes.”

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< Democrats Offer Nationwide Concealed Carry Reciprocity in Exchange for One Cent Per Round Bullet Tax That They Pinky-Swear They Won’t Jack 100-Fold the Second They Get Back Into Power

WASHINGTON (AP) – Looking to shed the “do-nothing Congress” label, House Democrats proposed a bill that would offer nationwide concealed carry permit reciprocity among all 50 states in exchange for a token one cent per round bullet tax. The bill would oblige all Democrat members of Congress to pinky-swear they won’t suddenly jack the tax up to a dollar a round the second they hold majority power in both the legislative and executive branches of the federal government.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) explained her party’s sudden cooperative streak.

“Oh, we’ve always loved bipartisanship,” said Pelosi, “so we give the Republicans what they want – the ability to travel cross-country while concealed carrying – and we get what we… well, not ‘want’, exactly. I mean this tax means nothing to us, really. And it’s certainly not a deceptive back-door tactic to make ammunition unaffordable and the right to bear arms meaningless. Pinky-swear!”

The bill’s co-sponsor, House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer (D-MD) was hopeful that this bill could usher in a new era of more harmonious inter-party relations.

“Historically, it’s true,” Hoyer said, “that Democrats have only watched out for their own interests. But this bill changes that. With no ulterior motives whatsoever, we extend this hand of friendship across the aisle to our friends on the right. Is that hand actually reaching for a lever that will open up a trap door underneath Republicans and drop them into a pit of alligators? Absolutely not! Pinky-swear!”

House Majority Whip James Clyburn (D-SC) added that there was “really nothing to explain” in his party’s sudden collaborative turn.

“Look,” said Clyburn, “I know it’s a little unusual, but there’s no reason to be suspicious of anything. National reciprocity is an idea whose time has come. Given the ‘full faith and credit‘ clause, it’s a wonder the Supreme Court didn’t make it happen already. And whatever completely irrelevant little niggling detail we’ve asked for in return is certain not the murderous petard with which we plan to hoist every gun nut in America by taxing their ammo into oblivion. Pinky-swear!”

Asked if he’d sign such a bill into law, President Trump answered decisively.

“Don’t be ridiculous. I’d sooner email the Ayatollah our nuclear codes,” Trump said while making ‘you’re an idiot’ faces. “But when Democrats regain power, they might try something like this in the future. However, if we pick a rabid pro-gunner to replace Ruth Bader Ginsburg when she retires, we’ll probably be able to get the tax invalidated on Second Amendment grounds alone.”

“But don’t worry Dems,” added Trump, grinning, “we won’t nominate Ted Nugent. Pinky-swear!”

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< Elizabeth Warren Sets ‘Jeopardy!’ Loss Record After Buzzing in With “What Is a New Government Program?” Every Time

CULVER CITY, CA (AP) – Hot on the heels of ‘Jeopardy!’ champion James Holzhauer’s 33-game, $2.5 million winning streak, Democrat Presidential candidate Elizabeth Warren appeared on the show to set a record of her own. In Warren’s case, though, it was pretty much the exact opposite of Holzhauer’s run, as Warren defied all odds by actually obtaining the lowest theoretical possible score of -$58,000 by offering “what is a new government program?” as her response every time she buzzed in first, which she did every time host Alex Trebek read an answer.

During a post-game interview, Warren seemed baffled by the turn of events.

“I don’t understand,” said Warren. “I phrased it in the form of a question every time, didn’t I? See? I even phrased THAT as a question! How could I be wrong? Maybe I should’ve mixed it up a little with “what is banning guns?” or “what is raising taxes?” but, well, a new government program has been my answer to everything for so long, I just assumed it would work as my question, too.”

While the game itself was painful to watch – both for Warren’s increasingly aghast-looking fellow contestants as well as for audience members whose boos and catcalls had become almost deafening by the end of the game – some scenes from the taping have leaked out and gone viral. Most notably, perhaps, the closing exchange between Warren and host Alex Trebek:

TREBEK: I’m sorry, Elizabeth, but since your score is negative… PROFOUNDLY negative… you are not eligible to participate in Final Jeopardy

WARREN: Thanks, Alex. I had fun. You’re a good American

TREBEK: Actually, I’m Canadian. And you’re an idiot.

WARREN: Really? I’m 1/1024th Canadian! 23andMe says so!

TREBEK: Then I assume the other 1023 parts are idiot?

WARREN: 1022. There’s some Cherokee in there, too

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< Bombshell New Climate Change Study Disproving Connection Between Human Activity and Global Temperature Burned At Stake By AOC

WASHINGTON (AP) – In an unusual procedural move, a bombshell climate change study – which completely disproved the connection between human activity and global temperature – was sentenced to death, tied to a stake, and lit on fire by Democrat Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY).

Upon being presented with the report – titled “You Idiots! You Probably Think Prehistoric Man Ended the Ice Age by Hunting Woolly Mammoths to Extinction, Too, Don’t You?” – during an otherwise uneventful hearing designed to bring the Green New Deal back to the House floor for another vote, Ocasio-Cortez appeared to grow increasingly agitated before suddenly reaching under her chair to obtain a robe, a powdered wig, and a pair of smart-girl glasses, all of which she quickly donned.

“Nobody expects the socialist inquisition!” cried Ocasio-Cortez to puzzled looks from her fellow elected officials, “Now, um… you so-called ‘report’ – you are accused of heresy on three counts – heresy by thought, heresy by word, heresy by deed, and heresy by action – *four* counts. Do you confess?”

The silence was broken only by the deafening roar of a pin dropping.

And Steve Scalise whispering to Kevin McCarthy “I didn’t know she knew Monty Python,” and McCarthy’s return whisper “She doesn’t.”

“Right!” AOC shouted. “Your silence condemns you! Off with your head!”

After being informed by a puzzled and hesitant House Sergeant-at-Arms that the report actually had no head to be off with, Ocasio-Cortez slumped in her seat, looking defeated.

Until fellow Democrat Congresswoman Rashida Tlaib pointed out that heads are not required for burning at the stake, just flammability, of which, in sufficient degree, the report was decidedly in possession.

Ocasio-Cortez then pulled a stake, firewood, and rope from beneath her chair, secured the report, and ignited the wood.

Minority Leader McCarthy’s objections were ignored by Speaker Pelosi, who was focused on tossing her gavel into the air and counting how many full turns she could get out of it before it came down again and she caught it. “Four”, if you’re wondering.

Just as quickly as the pyre was ignited, however, it was extinguished after it turned out that the carbon offset certificates AOC bought for the event were only good for torching “climate denial” reports and could only be re-lit once certificates covering “climate heresy” were obtained.

When asked later if House rules actually allowed the burning of documents that one disagrees with, Speaker Pelosi said, “You know, the House has a lot of rules, it’s hard to keep track of them all. I know there’s still one on the books forbidding cat-juggling on the House Floor. It seemed like a good idea at the time. It was the 70s – a LOT of things seemed like a good idea back then. We almost made ‘The Hustle’ America’s official dance. Anyway, as far as I know, heretical inanimate object immolation is still one of those gray areas.”

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< Biden Promises Massive Government Program to Cure Cancer That Somehow Won’t End Up Making Things Worse Like Every Other Massive Government Program