Guns
are the greatest invention of mankind, bar none. They are the final triumph of the intellect over the
brawn, the final equalizer of man, and they look pretty durn cool. There are many dangerous things out
there – criminals, psychos, baboons, wild boars, Kennedys, etc. – and one is
a fool not to defend themselves.
Hell, I’d say a woman living alone without a gun is clinically insane. And the second amendment is the only amendment
we really need; everyone will always respect your rights if you have a gun
pointed at them. Thus, anyone
against guns is either evil or stupid or both and is deserving of a punch’n. Now, some people may think I would
have softened my stance on firearms after I was shot by a chimpanzee, but I’m
not going to selfishly turn against a fundamental right because of one
accident (and, to be clear, the accident was the chimp getting hold of a
loaded gun; he shot me on purpose and I appropriately sought vengeance). So on guns, put me down as fer it.
I
share enough beliefs with libertarians that I should at least be for
legalization of marijuana, and I really can’t come up with a principled
argument against it, but I just hate hippies too goddamn much for marijuana
to be legalized. What makes them
mad makes me happy. I just have
to go with my gut on an issue like this, so I’m ‘gainst it.
They
say the circumference of the earth is 24,830 miles, but I took out a tape
measure and got only 24,827 miles.
It was a brand name tape measure, so I know that wasn’t the problem. Now, I don’t know what the scam
is and who is making money off that three miles difference, but I’ll look
into it.
As
soon as I get a time machine, I’m going back to 1913 and find everyone who
was going to vote for the income tax.
I’d patiently explain to them how quickly the income tax would grow
out of control and give government the power to bloat like never before. I’d tell them the horrors of the IRS,
the intrusiveness of the government keeping track of your income and your
spending, and how wrong it is for the taxman to have a shot at your paycheck
before you can even feed your family.
Finally, I’d then begin to beat them savagely with all my might. I’d continue until my limbs were too
tired for me to move at all.
Then I’d get some rest, go to the spa, do some ki breathing, have a
nice meal, and, once I felt all my energy had returned, begin yet another
session of beatings. I’d
continue that process a number of times. Then I’d get into my time machine once more and go back to
the point where I first tired out and fill in beating for my earlier
self. I’d then rest while he was
beating and beat while he was resting such that, to those bastards who are
responsible for the income tax, it would appear to them that they were being
beaten by me continuously for a week on end. The income tax: I’m ‘gainst it.
Me, myself, I’m
pretty damn Catholic. I believe
in all that unbelievable crap and I don’t like people saying bad things about
the pope. I think the pope kicks
ass. I know a lot of people
can’t help themselves but spout off about how the pope is behind all that’s
wrong in the world and what not, but I don’t want to hear it. I don’t care if he just broke into
your house yesterday and stole all your DVD’s; you somehow deserved it. If the pope is currently robbing a
liquor store, you can be sure I’m outside keeping the engine running in the
getaway car. Hey, I have a
religion I ain’t going to half-ass it.
Now, I bet you have some great argument about why the pope is bad and
why the Church is horrible, and my response to that, as always, is, “La la la
la! Not listening!”
Even if you don’t
want to go all the way and be Catholic, I think a belief in God is a cool
thing. Me, it helps me be
humble. Yeah, I know, I’m not
that humble; but I’d be completely intolerable without religion. I might have even ended up as some
loudmouth idiotarian. Plus, it’s
nice to have God as that ace up your sleeve for the time you find yourself
having to jump out of a plane without a parachute. On the other hand, I would like to say I know a number of
atheists who are good, moral people even without a belief in God and I don’t
think they’re going to hell or anything. God thinks they’re going to hell, though, and His opinion
counts more.
So
on religion, I’m fer it.
I
don’t like monkeys.
To start off, I don’t
know much about the Middle East.
I don’t know who is an arab and who is technically not an arab, how
much killing the Koran actually condones, or even what continent the Middle
East is on. I mean, it’s wedged
right in there between Europe, Africa, and Asia, so which one is it? What I do know is that it’s really
hard to sympathize with the Palestinians. Maybe if once I read off the AP “Today, a group of
Palestinian thugs grabbed a man they thought to be plotting a suicide bombing
of an Israeli daycare and beat him severely for eight hours straight. France has already denounced it as
one of the worst acts of violence they have ever witnessed.” then I’d be
like, “Hey, those Palestinians are pretty cool. Maybe the Israelis should be nicer to them.” Instead I’m always hearing things
like “A bomb has gone off in a crowded marketplace in Israel. Reports are still sketchy on the dead
and injured, but we already have video of the Palestinians celebrating by
jumping up and down and screeching like deranged howler monkeys.” and I’m
like, “I hate the Palestinians.
Why haven’t the Israelis killed them all yet? Don’t they have some sort of Zionist conspiracy
to deal with these ‘people?’”
Obviously,
those Palestinians cannot be reasoned with like adults, so I say Israel
should treat them like children. They should force all the Palestinians to
sit in the corner for a couple hours thinking about why what they have been
supporting is wrong. After that, they must all write one hundred word essays
on why murder is bad. All answers will then be graded on a bell curve. The
top five percent of scorers will be leaders of the new government, the middle
ninety percent will be sent back to their business, and the bottom five
percent immediately executed. Finally, in celebration of the new government,
Arafat will be shot out of a cannon.
Nothing
ruins a quiet stroll through the countryside quite like being jumped by a
group of ninjas. It’s a common
complaint, and the problem is only getting worse. Yet, the solutions offered are just more of the same. Build taller fences they say, but we
all know how adept ninjas are at climbing. They propose putting more townspeople on ninja watch, but
the whole point of a ninja is to sneak by unseen. Sometimes hiring wandering ronin to attack the ninjas’
headquarters has worked as a temporary solution, but the ninjas always
regroup and the ronin are expensive and not always trustworthy. Frankly, how good could a samurai be
if his master is dead? I say the
only real solution is to make the death touch available to the people. When the common man is able to cause
someone’s heart to explode by striking certain pressure points, then they
will be able to defend themselves from vicious ninjas. There are many who oppose this, but,
when the death touch is outlawed, only outlaws will use the death touch. And that leaves no one safe.
Government
is evil. It’s a necessary evil,
but it’s still evil. Its job is
to be big and powerful and push people around. It’s sorry thing we need it, but, hey, them’s the
breaks. So, the idea is to be as
careful as possible when applying it.
You should be as hesitant to use the government to achieve something
as you would be burning down an orphanage to achieve something. But people don’t get it, always
whining to government to fix every problem instead of getting off their own
duffs even though government can often make things worse. Look at this way, the government is
like Godzilla: it’s most adept as smashing and breaking things, but if it
tries to help an individual person, it’s more likely to crush him
accidentally than anything else.
So that’s why I’m ‘gainst big government.
Slavery in America
was a horrible crime against humanity, and the governments support of it is
more than inexcusable. I say, rather than that forty acres and a mule crap,
give every surviving former slave $10 million dollars so he or she can get a
condo and a porsche. And, since slavery was such a horrible thing, I think
there should also be some reparations for the children of slaves who were
never slaves themselves. They should all get free residence in a nursing
home, if any are still alive. As for all other descendants, they can get an
"I sought reparations for slavery and all I got was this lousy
t-shirt" t-shirt for the apologetic price of just $12.00. Act now,
because these reparations won't last forever!
I’m
just kidding ya. I’m ‘gainst
reparations. T-shirts are full
price.
The
value of being able to relate the diameter of a circle to its circumference
is priceless in my opinion.
Frankly, I find it profane for someone to try and put a number to it. But, if one must, why make it one
that is admittedly “irrational”?
Why not instead make it 3.
Accordingly, make two plus two equal 3.832869142… I never found adding two and two very
important, anyway.
Whose
dumb idea was this? The solution to racism is to ingrain racism into our laws
and hiring practices? Some may say you should fight fire with fire, but, if
my house were ablaze and the firemen showed up with flamethrowers, I'd be
like, "Hey! Don't fight fire with fire!" That why I'm 'gainst
affirmative action.
I’ve never been able to be too opposed to immigration
since any rational person would want to become an American. Living in inferior countries must
really suck, but I found out that, by far, most people in the world don’t
live in America. That’s
horrible, and I feel real sorry for those people. The only problem is that our stupid entitlements make
every person here costly, and, if you just open up the floodgates, we could
suddenly become saturated with Communists or something. But, overall, I’m fer immigration,
because, in a perfect world, everyone will be an American.
About everything we do relies on gravity, but the only
evidence we have it is circumstantial.
No matter how many times you let go an object and observe it fall to
the ground, that doesn’t prove anything. What we need is an explanation, but all scientist can do
is make things up like “gravitons.”
Now, don’t take me wrong, I’m not saying that gravity doesn’t
exist. All I am saying is that
if you’re one day beaned in the head by a bird who fell from the sky since he
was knocked unconscious by an apple falling upwards, don’t act too
surprised.
