Ode to Violence

Violence has always gotten a bad rap. That's because people just don't understand it. First of all, regardless of what people tell you, violence solves problems. Actually, violence, taken to certain extents, can solve any problem. Is someone annoying you with their idiotic opinion? Beat the hell out of 'em. Don't know the answer to a math problem? Pistol whip your teacher until he gives it to you. Having trouble understanding tax forms? Firebomb the I.R.S. headquarters. War and famine exist on earth? Nothing that can't be solved by nukes, nukes, and more nukes. See, how can someone be against something with so many practical uses?

And, for the environmentalists out there (and other whiny annoying people), violence is completely natural and bio-degradable: the lions savagely tear at the antelope for food, the wolves viscously bring down a deer, my dog angrily bites me when I tease her, and the dolphins stupidly run into nets made for catching tuna (well maybe that last example doesn't show animal violence in nature, but I like the image of it). Why don't one of you enviro-mental-cases try talking things over with a mountain lion and see what happens? I bet you one of your arms and legs that it chooses violence.

And why not.

Violence is truly a universal language. Do you really think we are able to reason verbally with people in Iraq who don't understand why their nation is poor when their leader uses all their money to build himself eighty palaces? But everyone... check that ...everything understand the message behind saturation bombing. Violence truly allows every living thing to communicate between each other.

Can we expect there to be understanding between species when everything has its own form of communication: our thousands of languages, the dogs barks and stances, the bees complicated dance, the dolphins whistles and clicks (the dolphin's language, incidentally, contains three hundred variations of the expression, "Duh...", but has no word for, "Look out for that tuna net!"), etc. Hell no. That's where violence comes in. Think of it less as aggression and more as an effective form of communication.

When the wolf viciously bites at an intruder on its territory, it's simply saying, "Excuse me, sir, but this is my property, and I would like some privacy." When the intruder savagely claws back as it tries to escape, it's communicating, "I see. Sorry. I guess I'll be leaving." When you get too near a bee and it stings you, that's but its way of saying, "Noli tangere!" When you crush the bee out of spite, that's just your reflexive way of declaring, "Don't do that. It upsets me." Why spend millions trying to understand what dolphins are trying to say when a few boots to their heads will communicate all we ever need to tell them? There's no reason. It's just people's ignorance that prevents us; that's all.

If people could just understand how effectively violence allows us to communicate with all living things, perhaps it would be a better world. Why if everyone could be violent to everything for but one day, think of all the understanding it would create of each other. We would have reopened the gates to the Garden of Eden, a viciously savage Garden of Eden, but a Garden of Eden nonetheless. The only people stopping this bloodthirsty utopia are the pacifists, but I know that a brutal beating will show them our side.

So, remember, while you may bring a pocket translator to better communicate with people of other languages and cultures, I pack a Colt .45.

'nuff said.

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